Brittany Jade: Relapse, Recovery and Redemption
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All right, gentlemen, coming to main stage next, this is Bunny. Get up there. She's got a tornado of titties coming your way. Get those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes like Michael J. Fox. So get up there and throw, throw, throw them dollars. Dude, that is fucking iconic.

What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, I have the Brittany Jade in the house, baby. What's up? How are you? Hi, I'm good. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here. Dude, I'm so happy you're here also. I just learned that you came from the West Coast. Yes. Well, actually, I'm originally from Wisconsin. Oh, okay. Born and raised in Wisconsin for 22 years. I moved out to California to go to rehab, actually. Wow. When I was 19. Wow.

And then I met my husband in the sober living house after. And that's kind of where our California life started. But we've been living there now for 10 years. I love that. I can't wait to hear this whole story because that's actually what drew me into you on TikTok was how raw you are about mental health. And everybody that listens to my podcast knows that I have suffered from severe suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety.

and fucking severe anxiety ever since I got sober. So I think I came across one of your videos one time and like you were crying and you were just being so vulnerable. And I was like, I love that because not many people do that, you know? And I always cried and it's not, and it's, well, it's not even that, but it's just, it's,

you're doing it for a good cause though. You know, like you're not crying because you're not getting views or you're not getting likes, you know, you're actually crying because you're hurting. And I think that means so much. Yeah. I'm just trying to share my real life too. I think so much of social media is fake and I've,

I've really tried my best to make sure that it's what I'm sharing is real life. And that means sharing the good along with the bad as well. You remind me of one of my best friends I grew up. Her name is Jamie. You guys even look alike. It's crazy. So I think I feel a familiarity with you also with that. Oh, that's crazy. So, okay, let's take it back. I want to know all things Brittany Jade. We're going to start from the beginning. And I just want to kind of hear your journey through life. So you grew up in Wisconsin. Yes.

Grew up in Wisconsin. Had a pretty normal childhood besides the fact that my dad was an alcoholic. So that alcohol just affects a lot of relationships and families, obviously. But my dad got sober when I was 15. Go dad. Yes. Yeah. And to be honest, I don't really remember a lot of my childhood. I hear that's like a sign of trauma, but...

It just is what it is. Same. I'm the same way. Yeah. I remember the bad parts. Mm-hmm. Yes. I started drinking, though, at 13. Wow. I don't know why I started that early. I think it was just very easy access to me with my dad being an alcoholic. There was always alcohol in the house. They never knew how much was gone because my dad drank so much. He didn't know if a couple beers were missing here and there. And so I started really young. And it was very clear from the very beginning that it was a problem. My mom even said...

The first time she saw me come home drunk, she said she could see it in my eyes and she knew what I had, what my dad had with alcoholism. And so she said even from my very first drink, like she knew it was a problem. Do you remember the first drink you ever took?

I don't remember the very first one. I was just, cause you know how I remember the first Xanax I ever took. I was like, Lord, thank you. Like I was so happy because you just feel so peaceful. So I didn't know. Yeah. That's how it was with Coke for me. Oh wow. Yeah. But yeah,

The first drink, not so much. I think it just kind of started off small when it was like little sips and we were so young. I think the first time I ever got drunk was off a 40 of Old English. Oh my gosh. I used to the high gravity and the 40s and the Cisco, all that shit. Oh, I can't do it. I know. I've never drank a 40 since I got drunk the first time. You like that's one of those things you do the first time and you're like, I'm never going to do that again.

So mom knew from the start that after you had your first drink, did you always have a really good relationship with your mom and your dad? Yeah, I have.

My dad and I aren't super close. I don't know. But like we get along. We have okay relationships. My parents are still married. My dad lives back in Wisconsin. My mom lives in California. She moved out here when I got sober to help me get back on my feet. So we'll get there in the timeline. But I've always had a pretty good relationship with them. You know, just it was it was just fantastic.

my dad and I were just not very close. And do you think because of his alcoholism that created a wedge between you guys? Yeah, I do. And I think there's been times that like now, you know, that we're both sober that, um, we've like wanted to connect more, but we haven't, but maybe we'll get there, you know, one day. So, um, but yeah, I, so high school drinking, um,

my parents let me move out when I was 17. Um, and that's like really what like took my partying level to a whole nother level. Cause I was the only senior in high school that was living on their own. And, um,

I had the party house. That was just my house and all my friends. So you moved out like on your own like. With a boyfriend. So I was with a boyfriend. Well still, that's still having your own place. Yeah. Yep. We moved out. That's crazy to let you move out that early. I know. I like, I'm like, mom, what were you thinking? She's like, Brittany, you were going to do whatever you wanted to do regardless of what we said. So yeah.

And I guess I've always kind of been that type of person. But I also have always been the type of person that, like, wants my parents' approval and validation for everything. But then I also know that I probably won't get it, so I'll just do whatever I want anyways. So, yeah, we moved out. And then, you know, everything was pretty –

was okay it's just i was a big partier and then did you graduate yes i did i graduated um i got voted i i feel like i do a lot i really do a lot um but i got voted biggest slacker my senior year

Simply because I just didn't like coming to school. You know, but I make sure to get like past enough, good enough grades to pass. But that's about as far as I wanted to do. I dropped out in 10th grade. So you did better than me. Yeah. It just, I didn't like school at all. And I didn't want to go to college. There was nothing I wanted to do. I might literally as a kid, like I wanted to move to the beach and move to Jamaica and live on the beach. That's what I wanted to do for my future. And that wasn't really realistic. So I decided to go to cosmetology school.

And I went there and that's when my drug use started because I had smoked weed and stuff.

And even in high school, I was always the girl that was friends with everyone. Like every single click I was friends with. And I've always been that person. It's so exhausting being that type of person because. Because they say something and then, you know. Yeah. And it's just like I'm I feel like I'm almost like just I'm a professional people pleaser, you know, and I've always tried to make sure that I can get along with everyone when reality. It doesn't make you feel good inside, though. No. Yeah.

So, um, went to cosmetology school and that is, um, when I tried Coke for the first time and it was pretty much love at first snort. And, um, yeah.

I started doing acid. Like, the house... I got evicted from my first apartment because I had a party and one of the guys who I met that night, apparently while we were all sleeping, woke up and through the apartment building went and, like, broke all the windows. Oh, my God. And so I...

I got evicted from there and kind of during that time, you know, I had, I would always struggled with mental health. I started, um, do you think maybe you started drinking because as so young, because you weren't able to identify the feelings that you were having? Yeah, pretty much. Um, and I was a cutter. I started cutting really young too. And, um, I think I was always looking for something to numb and for a while it was the cutting and then it was alcohol and then it turned into Coke and, um,

So I went to school in Minneapolis, which is a new city, a big city, Minneapolis, Minnesota. I had a really bad... My boyfriend broke up with me right during that time. We were together for four years, the one I moved out with. That was so hard on me. I did not think I was going to... It was like one of those young loves that you don't think you're ever going to get over. Yeah, that first young love is always so hard. Yeah. Yeah.

And I had a really bad suicide attempt from that when I was living in Minneapolis. How old were you? What? I was 18 at the time. And it was, it's crazy to think about because I was completely sober for it because I wasn't old enough to get alcohol. I think I had drank a little NyQuil because I

that's the type of person I was. I was looking for anything. Oh, that's how my best friend Grace was. She would drink mouthwash. Yes. Scope. Yes. Yeah. Yep. We'll get mouthwashes. It definitely in my story too. Nobody that's listening to this podcast. Do not take that as a tip. Yes. Yes. Please don't. I know sometimes it's so hard. Cause I'm like, I want to give people any ideas. It's part of your story. Yeah. People are going to do what they, they're going to do, you know, but we can throw that disclaimer out there. Yep. Um,

And so I got evicted from that part and then I moved into a house. It was like a drug house and like literally the people living upstairs were dealers. And that's when I started. You moved into a trap house. Yeah, pretty much. And I know I get in trouble for using that term online, but it's yeah. No, you do use that term a lot. Yeah. No, for sure. I'm always in trouble using fucking trap house and other shit. And I'm just like, it's I'm

Live that life. Yeah. I used to get in trouble for saying like trailer trash or trailer park. But I lived in a trailer park at the time. So it's like it's. Yeah. Like people want you to be embarrassed of where you came from. Yeah. No. Yeah. This is part of my truth. I'm going to fucking say it. Yeah. So you moved into the trap house. Yes. Moved in the trap house. And things just like really.

I remember my parents, like when I was in the hospital after that suicide attempt, it was, I'm surprised they didn't. Cause that was the, I mean, I had taken pills and a couple other times, but that one was like really bad. Like I should have died. Can we, can we talk about it? I didn't know if that was okay. So I've actually never,

I've never told this like to my husband knows I've told it to maybe a couple friends, but I just don't talk about it because it's really fucking scary. And people will be like, oh, my God, Britain, you're batshit crazy. But that's all right. We're all crazy, baby. So I actually I.

It was like downtown. I was in the city and it was more of like I was wanting attention for my boyfriend because I had went to go see him that night. But I had wrote a whole letter and it's weird because I don't remember writing the letter. I don't remember. No, no, I wasn't. I had drank in a little bit of NyQuil, but like not even a full bottle. Like my blood alcohol, I think, was like point zero three when we when they brought me.

But so I had walked three miles that night with a knife in my pocket. And the craziest part about this is I don't even remember like I don't remember grabbing the knife and carrying it with me the whole time. Was it a form of psychosis?

It was never talked about like that. Yeah. It sounds like you might have been in some sort of like. Yeah. And I think almost immediately after it happened, though, my brain like was like, no, we're not remembering this. And that's why I don't remember it so well. But I actually so I stabbed myself in my stomach. I had a winter jacket on.

And like so it went through everything and almost immediately after it happened, I pulled it out. And like I remember like trying to take a couple steps and walk because we were like it was like midnight downtown and there was like these steps going down. I remember like sitting down and then I passed out and I woke up a little bit like I remember them putting me into the ambulance and being like, she doesn't have a pulse. She doesn't have a pulse. Like I remember hearing that.

And then I woke up the next day in the hospital and they found the letter in my pocket. And they said, the doctor said that like I got so lucky if it would have been like a millimeter deeper, it would have hit some artery in my stomach and I would have I would have bled out. So, yeah, that was that was very hard. And I think.

I don't know. I just didn't really do much to heal from that at all. I just jumped into that's really when the drug use, you know, started. I feel like when we're that young, we don't know how to heal. And especially if we don't have parents who haven't healed themselves either. We're never taught fucking coping skills or how to get through something or like, hey, maybe you should go see somebody and talk to somebody. Yeah. You know, we just kind of like get thrust back into life like sink or swim, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. I think our generation for sure. It was just like everything was kind of brushed off, which is why now me as a mother, I'm so adamant on getting, make sure my kids are getting the mental health help that they need and deserve. Don't they say underprotected daughters are overprotective mothers? Yes. Yeah. So, all right. So you wake up from the hospital, you have this near death experience. Take me on that journey. What does Brittany do now? Um,

I started doing acid like a few times a week. It was really bad. And I almost didn't even graduate. Like I would go to school on acid. And I remember like highlighting people's hair and like sobbing for no reason. And I was the last one in my class to graduate. But I did graduate. I actually they made me take like a two week leave from school because I

They're like, girl, this is not... I was a total different person from when I started cosmetology school. But I did finish cosmetology.

But I ended up getting like I ended up getting arrested a few times like I would get drunk like I am not a mean person. I have never been in a fistfight with anyone ever. But when I got drunk, I would punch my I would punch holes through walls and they'd always take me the drunk tank. Like I've never been actually charged with anything, but I've been to jail. I've been to the drunk tank like more than more times. I can count on two hands. Right. That's just who I was. Yeah.

when I was drunk. And so we had an incident. I got evicted from the drug house place. How do you get kicked out of a trap house? Right. Damn it. I don't even, yeah. The landlord was just like, it was, there was holes in the walls. I'm like, okay. And so my parents were like, all right, you need to go to treatment. So that's the first time I went to treatment and I was back in Wisconsin. Um, it was only like a week long though, because insurance never covered longer than that. And, um,

So it didn't really work. I always met guys in treatment. It's just my toxic trait, I guess. Angst as attachment. Yes. Yeah. And I had met a heroin addict that time.

Is this married? You did this in Wisconsin, not Cali, right? Yep. Yep. Yeah. So we were, oops, we were in Minneapolis for all that. And then now we're back in Wisconsin and I tried to go to treatment here. It didn't really work. So I had this brilliant idea that I was going to go out to California by a one-way ticket and I was going to get sober out there on my own. Like I was like, this is, I thought it was my calling to go and have this

and time. And I, it didn't work. When I came out to California, I stayed in hostels and I met men who would let me stay with them, but only if I slept with them. And it was just, it was very bad. And I ran out of money really quickly. And so I went back to Wisconsin and my part, my poor mom during all this, like my mom, she just loves me so much and she's just always wants the best for me. And so this happened.

This life that has been very hard for her, for sure. But I... I love that you have that support of your mom. Yeah. Because a lot of people don't. I went back to Wisconsin, and my mom and a few of my friends actually had, like, an intervention with me. I rarely remember it because I was drunk that time, but I had a little intervention, and that's when I decided to come back out to California. I'm still 19 now, so this is my...

I think that was my second time then in treatment at 19 to go to a treatment center in Palm Springs. My insurance ran up again, same story, like after like two weeks. And thankfully I found a sober living house and in San Diego. And that is then where I met my husband in the sober living house. Yeah.

You're not allowed to date in sober living houses. Really quick for people who don't know how it works. So you have to go to treatment. How long were you in treatment for before you got moved to the sober living? I was there for two weeks. They want you to stay for 30 days, but if insurance isn't going to cover it and you can't afford to pay the $40,000, then...

It is what it is. Can we talk about how this world, America is in a mental health crisis and they do nothing to help people. It's terrible. It is. It's really terrible. I learned how hard it was getting addiction help when I went through that. And then six months ago when I went through like a really bad mental crisis, I learned how hard it was to try to get mental health help. Um, it's so sad. And,

even like I was willing to try to, cause we couldn't afford these places. Our insurance doesn't cover any mental health, like literally nothing. So,

We had to pay out of pocket. And like the cheapest we could find was $1,400 a day for me to go to. And I even offered like since I have a platform, I'm like, could we like work together and like all promote? And it still was going to be like and I'm back in my head. I'm like, well, I don't really want to be working when I'm trying to like receive help. You know, you want to be able to focus. But

Yeah. It's, it's extremely, extremely hard disheartening to find help. Yeah. And yeah,

So two weeks and then you move into the sober living and you meet a stud. Yes. Yes. Stud from sober living. Yeah. The halfway house. You have a type, I'm sure. Yes. I guess I do. Yep. After all of this, really quick, after all of this, have you came to the conclusion of where all your pain has stemmed from? Have you ever been able to pinpoint it yet? Not yet.

I don't know. At times, at times I think I do, but also not really. I think what it really comes down to, like all of my problems is my inability to love myself. And I think, um, I think that's why I give so much time and energy to so many other people. And that's why I want to always be helping other people because I don't feel that way towards myself. Hmm.

but you are worth it and you are worth being loved and you are worth more than you ever could imagine. It's just something I've always struggled with and I felt like I've gotten to good places in my life before, but then it's just very quickly I'm reminded and my depression is back. And, um, yeah, cause I struggled all those, you know, all those years, but I was never diagnosed with anything. Um,

Because I don't think I went to a doctor or therapist long enough to have the option to be diagnosed. But now I'm 34 years old and I did finally get a diagnosis. But.

We'll get there. We'll get there with the diagnosis. So let's rewind. I just wanted to know because I always try to pinpoint where my, my, you know, what caused my shit too. And I just always like want to hear people's stories, you know? Um, okay. So you met this stud and sober living. Yeah. Yes. And, um,

It was love at first sight for him. And I had just got out of that like four year relationship. And I was like, no, I don't want a relationship. But you're also just in a very vulnerable state in that time. And you're you feel very alone. And you also probably kind of bond with somebody. Yeah. Because you guys are going through the same shit. Yes. Yep. Can can we bring him in? Yeah. Let's bring you in, Bubba.

My honey bear. I'm so sorry. What is his name? I'm so sorry. His name is Weiland. Weiland, okay. But I call him Wiley. Okay. Or Demps calls him Riley. Okay. Like, I shit you not, she's been calling him Riley all day. Listen, Demps makes her own rules. What do you want me to call you? You can call me whatever is easiest to remember. Can I call you Y? Is that easy? Yeah. Okay, we'll call you Y. Or I also go by Will. Okay, we'll call you Will. We'll call you Will. Perfect. I know. I know.

used to always only go by wiley but then when we separated he kind of went like back to wyland and like introducing himself so yeah all right ladies and gentlemen we brought in wyland uh britney's husband and we're gonna also have him join the conversation now because i just think that this is like a vital part of their lives you guys meeting and you were in a rehab also what were you in rehab for i was um i was like 18 years old so i i uh

Got into pills and Xanax. I love Xanax. Yeah, I did too. And basically just my parents were very, very straight edge, you know, very religious household growing up. And so it was like the first, you know, first signs of,

me smoking weed, things like that. Like they knew it was going to be a problem, but then it did turn into a problem. I started taking pills on a regular basis. But I was young and then they sent me to a rehab in like San Jose. So I went out there for 30 days and never had an issue with it ever since. Went to sober living. Wow, that's amazing. He stayed clean of all of his drug of choice. And then I did not from then on.

From mine. Yeah, but yours is a little bit, yeah. So you guys met. Take me on that journey. You guys are so young. So you're 19, you're 18 in the sober living. No, we're both 19 now. You're both 19 now. Those are, that's babies. I know. Like it's, when I think, people get mad at me for saying that, but I'm sorry when I was 19, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Yeah, no. We have a 15 year old at home and she wouldn't know what to do if she fucking had to be on her own.

in a sober living place. Yeah, they're babies. I think you should be 21 to get a tattoo because I got all my tattoos when I was 18, 19. Same. I'm like living with a fucking mural on me from when I was a kid. Right? So it was love at first sight. You were trying to like deny it because you had just got out of a relationship. Yeah. We just, we did it though. We just, we wanted to be together and then we got kicked out.

For dating. Yes. Yeah, they figured out we were dating and we ended up on the streets for like a short while. We were homeless for a little bit there. I don't understand how a sober living place can do that to you. Yeah. I know. My mom was pissed for how much we were paying there. Like...

For them to just be like, nope, you guys can't be here anymore. But isn't the point of them helping you with your sobriety and then to kick you out on the street with nowhere to go? Like, doesn't that jeopardize your sobriety? Yeah, it did. We didn't stay sober. We didn't. We went and drank. They have to, like, set standards. Gotcha. Yeah. I mean, he didn't do his drug of choice, but we definitely, that's when we started drinking. Yeah.

We really struggled. Like, I mean, I think he got to, you got, that's when you really got the first taste of just what alcohol does to me. Because we eventually moved into a place together with like a bunch of other roommates, party house basically. Were you guys working or just no? I was working. Yeah.

job some hotel or something like that trying to with you know the busy nights that we had trying to get get in every day but right I remember that can you tell this yeah maybe you can tell whatever I remember I was like the first time I feel like there was an issue is when I realized like it would happen more than more than one occasion because we had like an air mattress and it would like oh that story yeah

like partially deflate halfway through the night and most nights I'd wake up and I'd be like, Oh, soaking wet. I would piss the bed. I was, I was a bed wetter. And you know what? My friend Katie was too. She would get shit faced and pee. We wouldn't sleep with her because we knew she was going to pee. Yes. Every time. You know what's crazy is even though as a kid I was a bed wetter, I wet the bed up until like, I remember having sleepovers when I was 10, 11 and peeing the bed still. So I don't know. Did you ever have any sexual abuse?

My mom says no. Because that's a sign. I know. I actually just learned that at, uh, I went to this like intensive treatment recently and I learned that there, that it was a sign of that. And so I asked my mom and my mom's like, no, I don't think so. So I'm like, oh,

Something seems off with everything. So you woke up in the middle of the night. Yeah, drenched in urine. Yes, because it would like pool down in the air mattress. I know. And then, I don't know, just like every time we would drink, I was able to kind of realize pretty quickly that like, oh,

oh she she turns into like somebody else like that's not the same girl that I you know that I know like right and so kind of picked up on that pretty pretty early in our relationship but like I don't know I just I love the Brittany that wasn't like just from the beginning even though you know we still chose to drink like yeah I knew who she was deep down like I knew who her her true self was and so that was enough to just to keep me around I guess

Until it wasn't until I took a bunch of pills. Is that what happened that night? How long were you guys together before this night happened? Two months. Yeah. Yeah. So you guys were fucking moving fast. And we had, we had been like homeless for one month. Like we would like sleep on a rug in a field or we would go look at apartments and like they would tell us,

um, like what the code was to get the key to go look inside the apartment and we would just sleep there on the floor. How amazing is that though? To see how far you guys, I know when you tell me about sleeping on the rug in a field and I see you guys have a beautiful home with your babies, like fucking go babies go. You know, I just get, I'm so excited for the underdogs. Okay. So you, what happened the second? Um, I just got really drunk one night. I took a bunch of pills. Um,

I wound up in the hospital. You called 911 on me? Yeah. Was it you or someone else? Probably turned, like, violent. Like, she, at that point, too, I remember she would, like, she would hit me, too, and, like, when she would drink. I remember actually hitting you.

Well, you would, yeah, yeah. And so probably... I really didn't know that I was hitting you. I think it progressed in maybe one of the roommates or something. Somebody called the police or the ambulance. I'm not sure. I don't even know. Yeah. Ended up going to the hospital. See, I just remember waking up in the hospital and... By the way, I can cut that out if you want me to. Just let me know. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll let you guys watch this before and then you guys tell me. Okay. I mean, it's something from my past, so it's like I don't hit him today. Well, I mean, you're also severely intoxicated, not that I'm making excuses, but we are all different people when we're inebriated. Yes, very true. And then... Trust me, I've hit a few of my men before. Yep. I get it. Yeah.

And I just kind of, I don't know, I remember just getting out and feeling defeated and knowing I couldn't go back to that house that we had together. And I had, once again, no other option but to go back to Wisconsin because I had failed at trying to get my life together again. And I have to go back to Wisconsin to live with my parents again. This has been like a year now of me really trying to... Get it together. Yes. And I couldn't do it. So...

I mean, I don't really have much stuff with me. I had like a bag. And so I went back to Wisconsin and we said our goodbyes and we kind of thought that's what it was going to be. And that was just like an end of a chapter. But then two days, two days after I get back to Wisconsin, he calls me and he says, can I move to Wisconsin? He's born and raised in California, so he's never lived anywhere else.

They do say crazy pussy is the best pussy. I have a feeling that's what's going on right now. And he...

And I said, sure. Yeah, you can come move to Wisconsin. And me, knowing I'm living with my parents. And your parents were like okay with it too? And to me, I don't know if they really are okay with it, but I think they thought if they didn't let you, that I would like go run off with you somewhere else. So I bought a one-way ticket, quit my job, and said, mom, dad, see you guys later. What was it? Were you just drawn to her? I just was really drawn to her. And I think we maybe had a couple conversations since then too where like,

where like, you know, she had maybe apologized, whatever. We kind of reconciled. And so, yeah, like I said earlier, just like I knew who the true Brittany was and like I was, yeah, like you said, drawn to her. So he moved to Wisconsin. Yeah. And honestly, you guys moved in with her parents? Yeah. Okay. 19 years? Yeah. Okay.

It was fine. I don't think we were really sober then at that time. No. No. Yeah, no. And then we got engaged. He tried to ask my dad's hand in marriage. We moved out. We got a place eventually. Like I got working in Wisconsin, kind of got settled in when we were at her parents' house. And then we got another place and then came back to California, visited. You know, we were out for a while there. But you guys weren't sober, right?

No. No, we were still drinking on and off, remember? Yeah. But not like it was before. Yeah, not quite like it was. Still being functional. Yes. Like we knew, we recognized like there was some issues. And then just the fact like with the knowledge that we had been in rehab and we both had an idea like, but it wasn't still enough for us to make a permanent switch or at least try to. Yeah. But we did. Yeah.

We got engaged and were engaged for a year and then we got married and we did have a sober wedding. There was no alcohol at our wedding, but we pretty much did it to please our parents. Yeah. Which was fine. And because everyone there like knew, like all my friends from high school knew that I always had a problem with alcohol. I'm sure all your friends did too. Yeah. Kind of knew you had a problem. And so we got married and

And then shortly after that, what was it? Like nine months after we actually, actually no, it was a few months after we got married, we completely stopped drinking. Like remember? Yeah, it was weird. It was weird. I'm sure there was something that maybe initiated, but like we were good for a long while. Well, and then, because I know I was completely sober when I got pregnant. We decided let's go off birth control and in a year we'll,

get pregnant, you know, thinking it was going to be a year. I got pregnant the first month, which we were like not really ready for, but it happened and we had our daughter and honestly, like everything was very good in our life from the time we were 23 to 26. Like happiest we've ever been. I, he worked full time. I,

worked in the salon full time and then actually became a stay-at-home mom and we moved back out to california his parents bought us a house um which was so nice because i take offense with the like they redid the whole house we got to help pick everything out they're probably just so proud of you guys yeah yeah they yeah they were um and just life was really good and really easy and we weren't

We didn't say we were sober, we were in recovery or anything like that. We just simply, like, when our neighbors asked us, oh, do you guys drink? We'd be like, oh, no, we don't. Like, it was just that sort of thing. Or not really. But then we got pregnant with the twins. And that is really what, like, I think...

I mean in that time though there was like you know we would still get like alcohol every once in a while like a while after Violet was born like when we moved to California that was towards the later yeah like before the twins were born we would drink with the neighbors is that right or was it until after we had a couple times but it was mainly after it wasn't a problem it wasn't like to where cops are getting called people are you know popping pills and stuff like that it was controlled

And when I was pregnant with the twins, actually his mom was diagnosed with cancer. And three months after she was diagnosed, she died. So it was very, very quick. His mom was like the healthiest person ever. She was, you know, all organic, just everything like the most healthiest person. And to see it happen to her that quickly, it was it was very, very hard for our whole family.

And she was like the glue to our family, like my side of the family. Like she was the backbone that everybody, you know, was kind of centered around my mom. And so when she passed away, it was it was difficult for us all. But yeah, that's when I like found myself like looking back, realizing like, OK, alcohol was an issue for me, too, because like through that grieving process where I should have been grieving, like.

Like, you know, I just numb myself. You guys started drinking again. Yeah. Like, to get through another night, like, not thinking about the loss of my mom. Like, just, okay, I'm just going to drink some whiskey and call it a night. And, like, there's her right next to me without me really realizing, thinking, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Were you drinking too? Well, not when I was pregnant with the twins, obviously. I didn't drink for any of my pregnancies because I had been sober before I got pregnant, thankfully. So I never had to go through anything like that. But after...

you know, we made it through, it was a very scary pregnancy. We were told like the whole time that one of them might not make it. And it was very stressful, which is also what made like that, that terrible joke that I, you know, did six months ago, which is what made it even worse because like I had a very scary pregnancy. And so my dumb ass, but we'll get there. Yeah. Um, and, uh,

So after the twins were born though, they were born six weeks early and were in the NICU and pretty much right when we got them home from the NICU when they were a few weeks old, that's when I started drinking again.

And it was pretty bad from the very beginning. I went from one kid to three kids overnight. At that time, my family lived all the way back in Wisconsin. His family, his mom had just died. We weren't really close with the rest of the family. Yeah, it was like we were, but close not in the sense of like, okay, reach out to my brother. Can you guys watch the kids? It was not like...

Right. That would just, they didn't do that to us, so, like, why would we, like, you know, so. Right, yeah, absolutely. So we just turned to alcohol, you know, to, like, get through that time, and I thought that it was okay, and I remember, like, calling up my sober friends and being like, hey, you guys, like, I'm not an alcoholic anymore, and they're like,

I'd say, I'm, you know, I'd tell him that I'm drinking again. I'm like, you're not an alcoholic anymore? And I'm like, no. Which is just so dumb because, you know, once an alcoholic, I was an alcoholic. But we were able to control it and manage it for a while. Yeah, we were. And, like, there were so many times where, like, we would get a six-pack and, like, and it would just, we'd start off and be able to, like, drink two beers a night. But then that would turn into three. And then, like,

Yeah. It just always slowly progressed and then an issue would happen and then we'd try to stop and then I'd be the one that, you know, buy another six pack. Yeah. Insanity, right? Insanity is doing the same thing. The definition of insanity. Same thing over and over, expecting different results. So this is after the twins are born and you guys are drinking again. You guys split, right? Was this around the same time? Yeah.

Well, kind of, you know, we made it like three years of this and it got pretty bad within the three years.

Right, because the boys were three. It's about two and a half years. And my drinking was just so bad. It was causing a lot of mental health issues. But we were both in denial that it was the alcohol because neither of us wanted to remove alcohol from the house. Did you suffer any postpartum? Yeah, I think that was like the least of my worries. But yes, definitely. Like that's just what I was going through. And I tried to get help, but...

It was so hard for me to make appointments, you know, like remember how hard it was? I had so many appointments for the kids that I just didn't have time for myself and I totally lost myself in motherhood and yeah, I really struggled and then it got really bad and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. There's been multiple times in my life where I'm like, what is wrong with me? And that was one of them, remember? And because of my drinking,

I think like just our marriage became very toxic too. Yeah, it was like we would drink every night, right? And like I would have to go to work the next morning. So like I always shut it down. Like that's where we were different, like different levels of alcoholism, if you will. Like I didn't feel like I had a problem, but like she would be just getting started like when I would be falling asleep. Little did I know most nights, you know? Yeah, and I think, you know, a lot of,

By the time that I realized that I needed help, it was almost like too late. Like we acknowledged that we need to remove the alcohol, but I couldn't come off alcohol without getting sick. Like I tried to a few times. I had a seizure once in our house and it was very bad and very dangerous. And I think...

I more so at the time kind of looked at our marriage as the problem. Right. I didn't look at my alcoholism as a problem. It was us. And I think a lot of that, a lot of it was because when I would get drunk and be crazy, because that's what I was crazy, he would call me crazy. Right. Yeah. And there was just so many things, I think, that just really... Yes, like really affected me, you know, and just, you know...

I didn't look at it as in the sense of like what, you know, the relationship dynamic. It was like she just said, like, you're crazy. Like there was nothing I was doing wrong. You guys were babies learning how to navigate life together. Again, you guys weren't given. Yeah. Well, we are 27 at this point, but still babies, you know.

I mean, listen, I'm 43. I think of 25 year olds as babies. Yeah. Because the shit I was doing at 25. Right. I could have I could really incriminate myself. Yeah. I can admitted to half the shit I was doing. Yeah. So you guys were blaming the marriage and you guys.

Yeah, and I had told him that I was thinking about getting a divorce. I was thinking about wanting that, and he never wanted that. I love that Y, through all of this, has always just wanted to be with you. I know. Yeah. Well, until I made the poor decision of, like, during that time, like, one...

there was, you know, cause episodes just kept getting like closer and closer together. Um, more things would happen. And yeah, that's what we're calling. And then I was like, something's got to change here. And like, so I went to an attorney, got like divorce paperwork. She had brought this up. That was the last thing I ever wanted. But like, I was like, I'm going to use this as like an ultimatum. Like, Hey, here's the papers. Like if you don't change, if we don't, if something doesn't change here, then we might have to get a divorce. And like, that was little did I know that was like,

her way i was like there it is come out that's all i needed yeah she's like don't fuck around and find out yeah and so i moved out and got my own place which was very difficult because i've been a stay-at-home mom for the past three years i really didn't have much income i had a garage sale and sold like just whatever i could from the house that was very awkward day because we were living together and i moved out and how are you feeling during this time why

Oh, that during that time, like I was I was one of the lowest points in my life. Like, you know, knowing like that she was leaving and that I guess just kind of in denial that like that we were actually getting a divorce. You know, how are we going to do this with three kids? And like lots of denial at that point, for sure. But lots of pain, too. So how are you feeling, Brittany? Were you sad or were you mad? You were pissed. Oh, I was I was free. I was living my best life. Oh, OK. Yeah.

I know this one. I literally went and got free tattooed on my hand. I think I was just like so, so angry. We didn't like our marriage now is not how it was back then. Yeah. Like it really wasn't like we were not this close.

And I just didn't have a life outside of being a mom. You know, you didn't ever want me to go out and be doing anything with friends. Right. Because of? Because of the alcohol. There was a lot of controlling factors because of alcohol. And so I was like, okay, you know what? I'm free. Oh my, my, that first 30 days of me living on my own.

Did not do me well at all. Like I couldn't stay sober. Yeah, it was, it was bad. I'm laughing at how you said it. Yeah. You said did not do me well. Yeah. And what happened?

I was supposed to because we had gone to mediation. We wanted to try to do this because we knew that if we were to go to court, it would cost a shit ton and that... We're both stubborn people. We both know that. Yeah, we both knew that it would be a battle. So we're like, we'll go to mediation and just be good with it. Well, let's see what it was. I don't...

My mom had came out during this time to help me and I was supposed to be, I was supposed to be getting sober. My mom thought I was getting sober and she was staying with me at the house. And I was, I'm pretty, you, I could never really trick, but my mom, like she was staying with me at the house and I was supposed to be sober, but I wasn't. And I, then she actually left, went back to Wisconsin and I,

I'm in this condo by myself and my drinking just got out of control to the point where I was drinking vodka first thing in the morning. And like my one of my best friends came over to check on me and it was 10 in the morning and she came over. This was the kids weren't with me at this time, but they were with him and she came over and I was completely passed out at 10 in the morning. And that's when she was like, OK, Brittany, it's not OK. Like we need to get you help. And so

I had been on like a four day bender at that point. It's like constant drinking. I was so out of it and that she took me to a treatment center actually and the treatment center was like absolutely not she is she is way too sick like she needs to go to the hospital. So she took me to the hospital and they drew my blood there. I waited in the hospital. I was wasted but I like I still remember it like my friend took videos of me and stuff. Was this after the court date?

No. Oh, okay. Oh, yes, this is. That's a big thing. Oh, that is a big part. I was missing a big part. Okay. It's okay. Rewind. So rewind. It was... When did we have court, though? Oh, so we had tried to do mediation. Right. But then I think... What happened with that? There was one time where I remember I came home. Again, we were living in separate houses, and she had the kids that day, and I gave her free reign to the house, too, just because I just...

And I came home and I didn't have the kids that day, but I saw like, okay, Brittany was here, but like, oh crap. Like the house is a mess. Like this is, this is how she used to act like when she would drink. And so immediately I was like, that means she was drinking and driving with the kids. And that's when I was like, okay, well that's, that's a problem. Yeah. Yeah. So he went and got an attorney. This is where that started. He went and got an attorney and, um,

with them, right? And then I was served with an ex parte orders for an emergency court hearing while I was

I don't know if I was drunk when I got it. I didn't really know what was going on. And I tried to call and figure out what it was. And I didn't have money for an attorney. I didn't have an attorney. And so I called and they're like, yeah, you just have to show up to court that day. And I'm like, I had no idea what it was about. I mean, I had a feeling it was probably for a custody thing. But I didn't understand the severity. And I was so nervous. I stayed up way too late the night before drinking, preparing what I would say to the judge. And I woke up.

I woke up like an hour later than I was supposed to and still drunk. And so I show up to the courtroom. I showed up. I run in there. I'm looking absolutely terrible. I've got a LaCroix in my hand because I'm like so dehydrated. I had parked on the curb on the side of that. There was no parking spots. And so I parked like up on the sidewalk. It was bad.

I should have they should have took me to jail that day but they didn't um I'm surprised they didn't take you into custody I was I was a mess and I like tried to pull it together and I run into the courtroom like all frantic he's there with like his whole family and then it's just me and it was super super quick and um the judge just goes like okay uh you know granted or something and I was like

I was like, okay, Your Honor, I just want to make sure that we're going back to our original custody schedule, like our 50-50 schedule. And she goes...

Yes, what was ordered. I had no idea. I'd never been, like, I've never seen papers. I didn't know what the order was. So I walk out of the courtroom and I call my mom and I was like, Mom, you know, I did it. Like, everything is going to be okay. And she was like, oh my gosh, Brittany, I'm so proud of you. I knew it was going to be okay. And I'm walking out of the courtroom and I look at this paper. And it's, I've never been able to tell this part of the story without crying, but it says on there that

supervised and unsupervised visits and then I'd seen that he had filed for sole legal and physical custody and so that's when I realized that that I had I didn't really fully know the extent but I knew it was way worse than I thought and I knew I had lost custody and it's so sad because in that moment I

You think that like if you just lost custody of your kids because of your alcoholism that that would be enough to wake you up But it didn't I have the first thing I did was I went straight to liquor store and I started drinking and That's because I mean those kids were my whole life like I would they were with me 24/7 and I was never a bad mom, but I was and I was a very sick mom

And that's what started the bender. That's what started the couple days. It was like, this is what spiraled you into going into the hospital. And then they drew your blood. And when they drew your blood, what you were waiting for the blood work. You said your friend was taking videos of you too. So it was actually, it was actually the very next day then that's when she had said, like she took a video of me. Actually I posted on Tik TOK. I was wasted. And she said, what are you willing to do to get your kids back? And I was like,

You know, you can tell I'm fucked up. But and she so, yeah, I said I would go to treatment. The doctor.

That the hospital another place ended up calling when we were waiting at the hospital and they said hey we have a room open for her we'll take her right now. You don't she doesn't need you can just leave the hospital and come here while as we're driving to that treatment center that one was going to let me pay cash it was a detox center I was going to get to go for two weeks to detox it was eighteen hundred dollars cash which.

is not much at all. Like that's super cheap. I had $1,850 in my bank account. So I drew out everything to go to this detox center. And as we're walking into it, the hospital calls and they're like, hey, where'd you go? Like we just got your blood alcohol test back and you're a 0.457.

Which is like absolutely insane. And I was like, oh, well, actually, I stopped at the gas station. I got two more tall cans because I was still with it and still drinking. And but I said, but I'm walking into a treatment center right now. I know. And that's just like this goes to show that's how much I was drinking to build up a tolerance that to that high. Yeah. Which anybody that doesn't know, like that's like above lethal, like for most people. Yeah. It is the lethal limit. Point four.

Wow. Yeah, I know. It's crazy when you like lay it out. Like I've heard like I know a lot of alcoholics and alcoholics

I've known maybe two and these are grown huge men too. Like I've known maybe two people that have had higher than 0.4. So it was very crazy. And that was a big, that like when I went in there, I was like, wow, Brittany. Okay. If it was that bad, like you need to be here. And I, I stayed. How do you not see your purpose of being here? Yeah. With, you know, surviving that. Yes. Shit that would kill somebody. Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

And I knew I had to go there. I hated it there, that detox. But thankfully, you know, you have to be medicated to come off of alcohol. Like, you just have to. Otherwise, it's not safe. What do they put you on? Like, sedatives? Valium. Okay. Gabapentin. Oh, my God. Gabapentin is crazy. Naltrexone. Naltrexone. What else? It was mainly Valium, though. Like, that was the big one that would really help with the withdrawals.

And, you know, that's when I really started my sobriety journey, kind of, because I didn't stay sober after that, unfortunately. I left. I could no longer afford, I had no more money, so I could no longer afford my condo. And so I moved back in with him and...

I didn't want to be there. Like I, I didn't think it was a good place for me to get sober at, but I also wanted to be with my kids and I knew that was the only way that that was going to happen. Yeah. You were trapped basically. Yeah. I didn't have anywhere to go and it was really hard for him because he still wanted our marriage to work out. And so it just, those next couple months were just hard cause I,

Once again, I didn't stay sober. I had met a heroin addict in that detox center. And just like the shit. And February, was it January? Yeah, I ended up, I stayed sober for a few months and then I relapsed. On alcohol? Yeah. Was that the wedding? Yeah, in Mexico. Yeah. I was...

photographing a wedding I was the photographer and oh my god I got shit-faced they found me like three resorts down had to bring me back in a wheelchair like it was terrible um oh and I actually ended up going into psychosis after that I tried to get sober again after that I thought I won't go through withdrawals I only had like one bender weekend but I went into an actual psychosis and

scariest thing ever we were I was hearing things seeing things like God was talking to me and then the devil was here and it was very scary very scary and um that a few days after that I had like a crazy manic episode um

This is all while trying to come off. Now this is all from alcoholic. This is after Mexico. You came home and you're trying to do to do this on your own. Yes. Trying to do the whole. Do you think maybe you were drugged in Mexico?

No, I think, um, no, I don't. So, cause, because I know how much I drink. I've never seen, I've never seen hotel rooms with full liquor bottles, like with the spout things. And it's like, it's so crazy. I was 50 days sober. When I walked into that room, those 50 days went out the door because I was like, holy shit, I have four full liquor bottles and no one here with me. And so I like literally put my mouth under it and was like drinking it like a, like,

crazy woman. So I don't think so. But for some reason, medications, I think whatever I was prescribed for my alcohol withdrawals definitely had something to do with the psychosis. Yeah. Because I was going to say, if you've never dealt with psychosis, like something to bring that on. Yes. You know, I'm not making excuses. I'm just I'm always trying to be analytical behind like what caused that. Right. I think it was a mix of alcohol withdrawals and the medication I was prescribed for those.

um and then i actually ended up getting arrested again um which one which time the this is which one which time episode is that at home yes yeah yeah we got into an argument um we both called the cops on each other actually and they said they had to take one of us and um

They took me. They told him that they thought I was on heroin and meth. Can I tell the pillar story? Cut this out? No, honey. No? No? Okay. We'll cut that. We can cut it out. We can cut out anything you guys want. It's fine. Basically, I thought... So I thought I was going to be going to jail for sure. Because she said that I was...

you know call the police because you had you had pushed me i don't want to talk about this yeah because you have no idea how much it's going to trigger me because you have no idea how much you are me all right i'm sorry it's okay let's take it let's feel like every time we have to talk about this it's always just about how terrible no no that's not my intention at all i'm sorry let's take a deep breath it's okay we're just here to tell you guys a story because you guys really um

A lot of people look up to you guys online, you know? And I think it's really cool that people can see that you guys have been through some shit, dude. You know? But I don't think we're pointing fingers at anybody. I know. That's what I was really feeling like. No, well, I'm sorry. You know? Because I'm being very cautious about what I'm saying to make sure I'm not speaking anything negatively about you. And that's not one of my intentions at all. What I was trying to get to is when they told me...

Cause I, if I can tell you anything, I have done some fucked up shit in my life and trust me, if it helps anybody else in the world, I have outed myself on this podcast. And of course, tell whatever you guys want that you're comfortable with. I've got you guys as back, you know, we'll cut out this whole entire situation, but yeah,

I've learned that just talking about it is healing. And, you know, I don't think I'm not getting involved, but I didn't take it as him pointing fingers. I took it as him just kind of you guys are telling a story of shit that you guys have fucking been through, man. Yeah. Like this is admirable. I'm like, I have a newfound respect for you guys because of all the shit you guys have been through. This shit would tear people apart, dude.

Yeah. You know, and you guys are still here loving each other and being lights to everybody in the world. So, yeah. Yeah. But whatever you guys are comfortable with, I just want you to know, don't ever feel embarrassed in this space ever. Where were you? Uh, so basically I was just, so like I was fully like intending on going to jail. Um, cause you don't, like in those situations like where man, woman, husband, wife, like

typically the male would go to jail. So I was preparing for that and then the officer came up to me and said, no, she, is she like an ex-gymnast? And I was like, yeah, she was. And he's like, well, I think she's on some sort of drugs. He's like, she can't even

walk in a straight line and like at that point I was like drugs like what like that that was the furthest thing from my like I knew that you know she'd been struggling with alcohol but like that was the first time that I heard that and like it was and he said so I'm gonna arrest her I'm taking her to taking her in and like it was just mind-blowing to me at that point like to

Were you still dating the guy that you had met in Rehab the Heroin Addict? Kind of. And at this time, I don't think I, I don't know if I had started taking the Suboxone. So I started taking his Suboxone. Okay, gotcha. So taking the dude's Suboxone.

Yeah. Which is heavy. Which doesn't get you high if you're a heroin user, but if you're not, it'll get you high. And so I think at that time though, I don't know if it, I had me, it was the very beginning if I had, because I was completely sober. They actually drew my blood when they took me into the station. Um,

And it, it, the, but the cops came to the house and told him that they thought I was on heroin and meth. And at that time I had not, I had not started with that stuff yet. Cause I did. Yeah. It was, uh, it was like the next day that, um, I had him. So I think it was like a major manic episode. You know, my mom said she talked to me in the jail cell. I called her and she's like, it sounded like you were on every single drug possible. And, um,

Have they ever tested you for schizophrenia? My mom has schizophrenia and that's how she was. She would split and like would not remember anything. People would think she's on drugs. I've asked about it and I've done, I just went through like this crazy intensive testing. And I was like, I've thought about it, but it's never been that. No, that's not.

That's not you. But honestly, I have no idea. Like, it's so hard when you... I have so many different doctors' opinions. Yeah. It's so hard when... It is hard. Yeah. So they drew your blood in the police station. Yeah, and I left the hospital. They only just kept me in a drunk tank, even though I was sober. I've been in the drunk tank many times, but not actually sober. Right. Because I was on Valium from my alcohol withdrawals, but that's it. Right. So...

Let us out. And then that's when I found out, when I came back, that's when I started drinking again. I started drinking, and he filed a restraining order on me. You guys were still living together when he filed the restraining order? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it was his dad's house. So that's why, too, I always had to be the one to move out. And then, and there was a, you know, I think you had gotten an attorney as well. So at this point, there was attorneys that were involved, too. And like everything going on, like the attorneys were just like, you need to do this. No, baby, I didn't have an attorney. I didn't have an attorney. Oh, she didn't have one yet. No, I couldn't afford one. So I had an attorney throughout, you know, a lot of this. And like, I'm just telling them the things, everything that's happening. And they're just telling me what to do. And like, I'm like, what?

Yeah. I guess so. Okay. He didn't know what to do in this situation, so he kind of trusted other people's opinions who maybe didn't have... It was never like, oh, let's try to get Brittany help. Let's... It was never. Find out what the cause of her actions are. It was just like, how can we punish Brittany? What can we take away from her? Shut her out. Type of thing. Right. And so...

When the restraining order was filed on me, I couldn't go home. I couldn't see or talk to the kids. All contact completely stopped. And so then I was out homeless. I ended up hanging out with the guy. I started using heroin with him. I started using meth with him. And it was like two weeks that we were out homeless. I ended up overdosing. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, and he found me in the car and...

Were you using on your own after you guys? It was, it was just with him. Just with him. Yeah. Cause I didn't really know how to use type of drugs. Like I, my thing was always alcohol, but at that time I didn't like, I didn't,

I didn't want alcohol anymore because I had just lost everything. Like I couldn't, I think it was like the pain of not being able to even call like the kids was so unbearable for me. And so I just wanted to not feel like that. And I don't really remember much that time, but,

remember him saying like all I would do was just use and go in the shower and just cry for my kids and then get like just wake up and use it was a very it was a very rough two weeks and um he found me shooting it or yeah well I mean it started

It started smoking it and then it was shooting it up the butt. I love doing cocaine up the butt. I've done a few tootskies up there. And then, yeah, actually the very last time I used it was IV. It was in my arm. And I'm thankful it was just that one time and it was the last time. But yeah, I overdosed in the hospital. And when I woke up in the hospital...

I was very weird because I'm now 30 years old and I'm waking up in a hospital again like what happened 10 years ago. And I'm waking up in this hospital and realizing,

--It's not getting better. --Yeah, this is just like the same thing. And I have nowhere to go. And so I have to go back to Wisconsin even though I have this whole family. I built this whole life here in California. I have to go back to Wisconsin again. And I'm very grateful that my parents did help me. They let me stay there for two weeks and helped me get sober. And that was because that was the hardest time ever. My it was just very it was very difficult.

that somewhere around that time, that's when you, you came to the realization too, that like the restraining order said, like the verbiage on like the, it said like you, there could be a chance like you couldn't see the kids for how long?

So no, it wasn't even the, yeah, it is the verbiage on the restraining order, but it was the attorney. So I'm trying to find an attorney now cause I'm newly sobered trying to come. Thankfully I didn't have to go to detox or anything because I wasn't drinking as much. I was using more and yeah, it was still rough, but I was able to get that time sober safely at home. And, um,

Sorry, I just totally lost my train of thought. You were talking about how you were trying to find a lawyer because you were nearly sober. Yes, and when I was calling, because it was a domestic violence restraining order that was on me, these attorneys were telling me that it could be three to five years before I saw my kids again. And...

I just like that was the most painful thing to have to hear sober. You know, I couldn't numb those anymore because if I did like that's just gonna bring me backwards and I finally found one attorney who said you know, that's not gonna happen like there's no way that's gonna happen and you're gonna get to see your kids and so

I paid for him and we started the process and I honestly did everything I had to do. I started going to drug tests. I got an at-home breathalyzer. I just started doing anything in my power to prove my sobriety. Your kids were worth it. Yes. Yeah, they were. And thankfully we showed up from that

It was a restrict. That was like a month later. So we, I only had to be without them for 28 days because when we went back to court, actually like our attorneys had, you know, I, um, had realized how much I had put in. They realized that I wasn't the only one. Like we both had toxic sides of us. Um, you know, my side is, was the only one that was like really talked about and stuff, but we both had that. And, um,

You also made the decision to drop the restraining order, right? Yeah. And then I actually got legal custody back that day.

They didn't know that I didn't have a house yet. It was like, it was very fast. And so I was like, now what do I do? Like, I have legal custody back, but I have nowhere for the kids. And so that's when my mom decided she was just going to up and stay here in California with me and help. So she left my dad, her whole life and job in Wisconsin to help me get back on my feet again out here. She wanted to see you do good. Yes. Yeah. Wow.

She was like, you're not going back this time. Yeah. She was like, I'm coming out and I'm going to watch over you. Yep. And... You needed that support system during that time, though. Yeah. Yeah. No, I really did. She was a huge help. So going on from here, how are you guys doing? Are you guys mending your relationship? Or are you... How are you feeling about this? Why? At this point, I don't think we... I think it was just like still we were...

kind of in shock, like, of everything. And, like, at least from my perspective, like, there was a lot of... When I got sober? Yeah, there was still a lot of, like, resentment. There was a lot. Lots of anger. And so we're doing, like, you know, what's it called? Like, where you, you know, drop the kids off. Yeah. And, like, just so many emotions, at least for me.

probably from your end too but yeah you guys still loved each other yeah you can't hate somebody I would have said no at the time but yeah I wanted to be friends I wanted to have like a cordial relationship and I think for him it was that was it was too hard because he still he loved you so hard yes yeah and you know

And you guys had three at the time, right? Yep. This is the three. Okay. And we ended up having to go like completely no contact because it did get pretty... You guys are passionate. Pretty rough. Yeah. And so we did. We went no contact and that's when I got sober. That's when I started TikTok. I started my TikTok. Woo! Just...

really making some not so nice videos of him and like looking back like that's one thing like I I know I shouldn't have done you know but that time that's how I chose to heal at that time yeah would I have done it today no because I imagine I can't imagine like how much that hurt to have to see those and I didn't I wasn't even thinking about the kids having to see that like right I mean we all make mistakes online you know and I mean and then like I we both had

that healing journey. So I was doing my own thing too. And so, and, but yeah, that like, yeah, I got into like a, it's called like the dad's edge. It was like a podcast, uh, Larry Hagner podcasts. And, uh, from there, there was like a group with, with, uh, you know, fathers. So like, you know, it didn't matter if they were divorced or not, but like there was a single dad's group within that. And like, it's really like, and this was like during like COVID too. So lots of virtual friendships and like strong relationships I got to build with,

And you went to therapy? Therapy, yeah. And then I stopped drinking too, even though I didn't, I never said I had a problem. I just decided to just completely go sober. Yeah. And really just kind of like hit my emotions and like all that, all those wounds just kind of like faced them head on. Yeah. And I got, I got sober. I stayed in AA. I,

got a job through a treatment center from my TikTok and was still living with my mom in the trailer park. But we were like, we were happy. Everything was good. What were you doing at the treatment center? I was doing community outreach. So it was a treatment center in Ohio.

Who I no longer work with anymore. That was kind of a rough ending. But I learned how sketchy the treatment center industry was. And I learned how oblivious I was when they hired me in the beginning. It really hurt me to see for myself how greedy all these people are for money off addicts. So I quit. And...

But I did really like my job when I got to actually work with the clients. She was so passionate about it. Yeah. She got to help people. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was awesome for the longest time. It really was. It was like I thought, you know, God had answered all my prayers and because this is what this was my passion and what I wanted to do. Just helping people. Yeah. I love that. It gives you a sense of self-worth. Yes. Yeah.

And so you're on TikTok. You're taking jabs. Are you on TikTok? Me? No. I mean, I had a TikTok. I'm always an aspiring videographer. But I didn't go and look at her stuff. And then we both started dating.

Yeah, we both healthy relationships or I was like, no, I like the only person that I had feelings for. I met I met I met him on TikTok actually ended up being a girl. I got catfished. Oh, yeah, that was a whole ordeal. Like MTV catfish actually called was going to do a show on it. And thankfully, because of TikTok, they all figured it out. What? Yeah. And this woman had been catfishing for other there was four of us.

So that was like a huge thing. How does that happen? She was able to change her voice. She didn't even use like a voice changing thing. She could just change her voice to make it sound. But you never FaceTimed her? She never wanted to, right? No.

No, I know everyone's like, Brittany, that's a red flag if you won't FaceTime with you. But I'm like, it's fine. I'm not looking for anything serious. Oh, my goodness. But yeah, the one of them had been taught. It was only six weeks. I talked to him. Some of these other girls, one of them was three years. Three years. I don't understand that. Right. I don't see somebody for three years. Did they get money out of you guys?

No. But they like sent, they sent gifts like to my kids for their birthdays and it was very strange. People on the internet are fucking weird. Yes. I hate to do this, but can I use the restroom? Of course. You're good. Baby.

No, you're good. We can keep going. So, okay. You guys are complete no contact. You're on TikTok. You're working at a treatment center. Take me from there. So when I started from started TikTok in June of 2020, everything happened very fast for me. I had a million followers by December 1st.

So it was like six months. And I went from literally, it was a huge change for me from like get, you know, going from nothing with the kids and having $0 to my name. And, um, and then all of this amazing things happening. Um, it was just, it was a lot to happen. And so 2021 then was, um, that's when we actually got back together. We had, I dropped the kids off. Uh, it was Thanksgiving and, um,

We decided, you know, we both said like we need to get along for the sake of the kids. Like this has been long enough. Like we need to do this. We're both adults and it was okay for a little bit. We did family stuff and then it wasn't long till we realized like, wow, you've changed a lot in this last year and vice versa. We both had done a lot. We both were finally able to apologize to each other because for so long, like we

I just had to hear, you know, that it was always my fault. And I knew that the majority of our problems was my fault. But I knew that it wasn't all my fault. Yeah, it takes two to tango. Yeah, and I think it was very healing for me when he apologized to me and...

you know, and just being able to know. And it was crazy. And at that, at this point we had spent a hundred thousand dollars on this whole separation because it was no contact. We had to go through our lawyers for everything. And it was,

You guys are very passionate. So I can only imagine how the sparks fly for you guys. That's what keeps drawing you guys back to each other. When's your birthday? January 8th. Oh, you're a Capricorn. Okay. And when's your birthday? It was just two days ago, April 11th. Aries and Taurus. That's what my manager and her husband are. Are you and Jason very passionate?

She said, of course. We don't talk about their sex life. I get that. That it's like just a super passionate relationship. And that's what keeps bringing you guys around. I'm sure you guys have some sort of like

spiritual bond too that keeps bringing you guys back to each other we definitely twin flames for sure yeah you guys are what real twin flames are yeah like when people think it's all cute like oh we're twin flames like no twin flames go through some shit dude like you guys are mirrors to each other you guys fucking tear each other down just to build each other back up and that's exactly what a real twin flame is my husband and i did that to each other too so yep yeah

And we just decided that this is what we wanted to do. And, you know, we knew that we had gone to marriage therapy and... You mean like before? Before we got married? Yeah. Were you guys still dating other people? No. Deciding to rekindle? Okay. No, but that was the hardest part about, you know, coming back together was realizing now we had both been... With other people. With other people and...

Having to get through that. We didn't know if that was going to be something we could get over, but we were pretty open about with what we...

Yeah, we talked about it. Like, okay, what do you want to know? Like, if anything, and then we just decided, like, we were going to set, you know, okay, that's where we're going to draw the line. And we're not going to look back anymore. And move forward and start this new life because it wasn't even like we were, like, rekindling our past life. Right. It just seemed so different. Right. We had both...

really taking accountability for both of our actions and we were ready to start this new life. I'm proud of you guys. Thank you. You guys have been through some fucking shit. Oh my God. We really have. That was a roller coaster. Yes. And that's wild, but I know I'm so proud of you guys. Thank you. That's really cool. It's very grateful because people don't fight for love anymore. Yeah. You know, and you guys have fought for love. Yes. He's stuck with me through some pretty, uh,

Crazy times That I know Others wouldn't So I'm very Very grateful So you guys End up having A fourth baby No we didn't No you didn't You guys only have three Why do I think You guys have four Why

Why do I think you guys have four? I don't know, but that was funny because when you said you just had the three at this time, I was like thinking in my head, I wonder if she thinks I have another one. I don't know why I thought you guys had four. That's crazy. I got to do better research. So you guys are back together. You guys are thriving. Are you sober now? Like how does that work? Or do you still...

you know, I know you're, you're going on, um, you're sober, right? Okay. And you're doing like a mental health journey because I've been watching that on Tik TOK. Like, yes, take me on this journey with you. Like how has sobriety treated you? Because I know getting sober, people are always like, Oh yeah, sobriety is great. No, the fuck it's not. Yeah. You feel everything. Exactly. Everything that you've ever tried to run away from or numb or hide hat comes out and it's, it's very hard. It's a battle.

Yes. Yeah, I just celebrated three years sober. And the first year, it was like rainbows and butterflies. I was riding that pink cloud. It was really great because just like a lot happened in that year, you know? And it was really great. And then the second year was okay. And third year was, I don't know, the first year was really great. And the full second year was when things went downhill again. That's when I really realized. Like mentally.

Yeah. Yeah. That's when my mental health got really bad because I think I had thought this whole time that all of my problems were from alcohol. And that once that alcohol was gone, my problems were going to be gone. But I very quickly realized that that was not the case and that, you know, I still have mental health problems regardless if the alcohol is there or not. And, yeah.

Now you're getting to the root of what has been causing it or trying to. Yeah, finally. Yeah. It's been a really long year actually right now this month is a year like this is when my life started going downhill last year. And so I think like it's very, a lot of just these times, um,

like are have been very like triggering I'm living in a lot of fear right now like what if that happens again like what if my life starts going downhill and when I when I think about it like what what happened you know obviously I've done a lot of work to try to figure this all out but um so my

how it was was just made in may um and of last year and i i said that it didn't bother me i said i wasn't going to look at it but in june i went into like a major major depression and i honestly didn't know why i didn't think it was because of that at the time

But I learned, you know, through this whole year now was that's what it was. It's so hurtful. And I feel so bad for you online creators. I think Trisha Paytas, she gets it really bad, too. I think she's finally doing a documentary about it. Really? We've got to start speaking. No, I think that's amazing. Yeah, it's I haven't talked about it, like how much it affected me, you know, but it really was. And I guess I can refer to it just instead of like the, you know, you know,

Well, you know, cyberbullying, it's very extreme. And it got to a point to me where, like, I started believing these things that people were saying about me. And a lot of them were just making fun of my appearance, which those were, like, kind of petty, you know? It did end up affecting me, but it was more so, like, people saying I wasn't sober. And, like, I literally would question my own sobriety.

And it wasn't like that at the beginning. But after months and months and months like that, they're really good at like pushing buttons and figuring out what gets under certain creators skin the best. And then that's what they default to and they go to. And like, it's just such a disgusting way. Yeah, it's really gross. But it's damaging. Yeah, it's really damaging. And I remember like it was June of last year, but I remember like

I did a lot of research on how this could stop. How can this stop? And the only way that anyone who is cyberbullying can be held accountable for what they're doing is if someone...

loses their life over it. And so I remember like driving in the car and thinking that because at that time, you know, a lot of my friends had been going through it too. You know, Demps had to count my friend Kelsey. Oh, they're relentless on Demps, dude. Oh, fucking Demps, I know. And I remember like it was just so painful to see like so many people I love also go through it.

And I, I don't know. I just thought in my head that this was what had to be done that I had to take my life because, um, so that, and it's just so sad. Cause I just know that was like straight devil taught telling me that. Cause I know that's not true, but these people that bully are from the devil too. Yeah. They think they're doing like this higher calling of, um,

holding people accountable for things. Which is fucking like, who the fuck are you to hold anybody accountable? Yeah. You can't even show your goddamn face. Right. You know, like, come on. And I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep using the Lord's name in vain, but it just makes me so mad. Yeah. You know, like it's wrong for you to, to actually think about taking your life because people are saying such hurtful things about you. Like,

if you had done that, your blood would be on those people's hands when they die and they go to hell or they go to heaven. Those people's blood are on your hands. There has been a couple TikTokers who have committed suicide or overdosed and had, it was a lot to do with like extreme amount of hate. And it was so sad. Yeah.

That's like when I started feeling better from that, that's what I really felt called to do and to help was to talk about that. But almost at about the same time as that, that's when I made a really bad mistake about posting a video that I didn't understand fully the context of it clearly. And...

I don't think, you know, I realized it 10 minutes after I posted it. 10 minutes. I saw like three comments. There was only 10 comments. I saw three comments and someone had said, and so maybe we should, obviously this is,

trigger warning you know I feel like I can't even talk about this though you know because I haven't gone gone through it you know and I'm sorry cuz I know that you have right yeah miscarriage yes yeah and it's so hard for me to even so I don't even know I don't even know if we talk if no it's okay and I think I think what is

A way to talk about the situation is to see how hurt you are even talking about it. Oh my God. I know it like, and you literally have brought it up and each time you've talked about it, you've apologized. Yeah. I feel like everybody makes mistakes and, um,

What you did, of course, wasn't right. You know? We all fuck up. We all post shit we shouldn't have posted. You know? We've all... A lot of you guys are new to this online shit. So it's like you don't know what the rules are. Yeah. We just, like, we're so dumb. The fact of the matter is I'm equal to blame here, but I don't have that number. Yeah. And his name and... My name, like, so... But, like, I... But I deleted it. I deleted it within 10 minutes, right? I apologized to everyone, and I'm thinking...

okay, like it's fine. I apologize to the people who saw it, right? Well, no, they went, posted it over on my, and then posted it on the TikTok. And then of course everyone in the TikTok, I posted back on TikTok, which is really where it all got when people had no idea that, that I was only up there for, for 10 minutes. And, um, you know, at that time I had a really real, and I don't think I even fully realized the, the,

how many people I had hurt and the extent because I hurt like a community of people who I would never want to hurt who have experienced more pain than I will I could ever imagine um and so I think it's okay to be sorry though and to learn from your mistake and who are we

as mere mortals standing right beside you to sit here and just keep telling you that you made a mistake over and over and over again. That's not fair. And that's where the internet is wrong. Yeah. You know, like that's where it's like nothing brings people together more than hate. Yeah. You know, and it's sad, but everybody wants to just be the person who points the finger. And it's like when you have a million,

millions and millions of them pointing at you, they don't know what that feels like because they don't have the platforms we do. Yeah. You know, that shit is brutal. Yeah. So take me down that journey with your mental health. How are you feeling? I know that you took a break on social media, right? Yeah. You know, I've realized now that like, I know God has, God has forgave me for that. And so I do forgive myself for it. I think I'm just, I've,

so much feeling though for people that it still is, is going to be a lot. But, um, yeah, you know, after that I took a break for a while. We didn't know, we, we didn't know what our, what our future was going to be like. I didn't know if I would have a platform. I didn't know if we'd be able to get through this. Um, it was very unsure cause our, when I stopped working, our income stopped working cause he was a stay at home dad and helped me with all that. And, uh,

tried to get into a treatment center but we couldn't afford it basically long story short thankfully I did find a non-profit foundation that actually I'm speaking for them tomorrow in Vegas but they helped me find a doctor to get into where I could go and get this testing and it took a

like six weeks to do the testing and I got a diagnosis and I started going to therapy and getting help. I've tried medications. What was your official diagnosis? So my official diagnosis, which I don't even talk about because I'll tell you in a second, but I did a little bit is, um, MDD. So major depressive disorder. Um, and they qualify it as severe. So severe major depressive disorder, ADHD, BPD, um,

which is dependent personality disorder and with showing signs of current PTSD from that. But we found out like the time I did that testing, I was going through a lot of trauma. And so my psychiatrist that I see doesn't know if it's actually that. She thinks I'm bipolar still. And so it's like,

I've spent months like trying to get help and find answers when really it just led me to being more confused. And so I've really had to just like,

work on what I can fix and change about myself and which is going to therapy you know getting up choosing to get up out of bed every day and because that that depression was really really hard on not only me but our whole family yeah I think I saw that you had like moved away from your family for a couple of yeah I yes I had to it was it was just I had to leave um

A couple times. I had been starting a new medication, and one of the side effects was psychosis, and because of my last psychosis, I was terrified. So that was the main reason why, and I just, I was not okay, you know? How do you feel whenever she has to leave? Do you understand it now, and you kind of give her the room to do that? Yeah, I wouldn't have before, but this time it was like,

She came back like a different person. And then we were more connected too. But like, I just feel like, you know, this last time when she did it, like I completely understood why. And she was able to be, you know, she's sober, you know? So like she was able to verbalize why she was doing it. And like it just, that's a huge part in probably why. Yeah, you guys are growing. I think, you know, I'm finally in a better place. But I also know like,

with my history, like it's just like, it's, it's a battle. It really is. Mental health is a battle and you have to fight it every day. It really is. I remember seeing like a comment, someone left on a video, like through that, through that time, there's so many videos being made about me. And someone commented and was like, I went to elementary school with Brittany. She's always been unstable. She's always had mental health problems. Um,

And that was like a big wake up call to me because I was like, yes, honestly, ever since. She's like, I feel seen. Yes. Like that is the truth. And I think because my TikTok happened so fast, like people painted me out to be like this perfect person because of how it happened. And when people realize that I am just as flawed and as everyone else, like it

it caused a war for a bit, you know, parasocial relationships are, um, very real. Um,

Well, I'm proud of you guys. Thank you. This has been a journey to listen to. Yeah. I love it, though. Just seeing you guys sit here and be able to stand through the fire together like you have is just so admirable. And I know I keep saying that, but like I said, nobody fights for love anymore. And I think you guys are inspirational to people who are in toxic relationships and that are in twin flame relationships that you can get through it. And there is growth. And, you know, you guys are setting a really good example. Most importantly, you're setting a good example for your kids.

Yes. You know, they get to see that mom and dad fought for love and, you know, hung in there and mom's fighting for sobriety. Dad's fighting for sobriety. Like you guys are checking all the boxes and you guys are really doing it. Thank you. So 2023, what do we have to look forward to with the family? Oh my gosh. Honestly, like last year was so busy. I was like traveling, doing girls trips and, and,

It was so busy. Yeah, if you guys came here to hear about mom talk, go fuck yourself. I am not talking about mom talk. You bitches are crazy, okay? So, sorry. But no, I'm not friends with anyone anymore. Oh, well, yeah, okay. There we go. Done. That's all. We're leaving it at that. Yeah, we don't really have, like...

Like just really slowing down. I think that's what. How about enjoying each other? Yes, exactly. Being able to love each other correctly. Living in the moment. And so I started a new job now too. Yeah, I did see that. So that's kind of changed the whole dynamic of things, which it has. So you weren't working. You guys were just completely stay at home. When we first got back together for like two and a half years there, basically gone.

stopped working at my old job pretty much right after that. You guys needed that though to rebuild and just Yeah. And I was making enough. I was making good enough money to where we could do that but it was very it was very stressful on our marriage. Like Oh yeah. Only Working together. Yeah. Oh yeah. I work with my husband. Yeah. Yeah.

And so now we're more like equal. It just feels like things are a lot smoother and it, it does. We don't spend, he goes to work now 40 hours a week away from home and, but it's been good for our, for, it really makes you miss him too. So when he's around you appreciate him more. It really is. We, we spent 24 seven together and so we, it's been nice to miss you. Mm.

Likewise. I love it. Well, you guys fucking enjoy the shit out of each other. Just take this year, the rest of this year to just love on each other. And you know, you guys have been through so much shit. What are you guys going to do in Nashville tonight? Go out with dimps. We are. She's taken us to like a L. Oh,

you know, you were invited there too. Yeah. To Caden's. Yes. So that's where we're going to go. Cause without her, I was like, babe, are we just going to go walk down Broadway? Like by ourselves? I don't know what to do here, but Demps is always a good time. Demps is going to take us. We're going to have fun. So excited.

Well, thank you guys for coming on the podcast. Thank you so much for having us. I was so excited to learn that you are also a sober queen. Yeah, baby. I think sobriety is sexy. It really is. I've never been embarrassed of it. I love when people are like, you're sober. And I'm like, fuck, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's sexy. It's a badge of honor. It really is. It makes us very, very special. Yeah. I love that.

Well, Brittany, I can't wait to see what you do on this journey. I can't wait to see what both of you guys do on the rest of this journey. And anytime you guys want to come back on and sit on the couch and talk, I will have you. Yay. Thank you so much. Shout out where everybody can find you on your socials. Brittany Jade. Brittany Jade with some underscores. Instagram, TikTok.

Honey. Zabo Zoo. You're going to have to spell that out for me. So it's our last name, Zabo. S-Z-A-B-O. And then Zoo for our TikTok. And then Instagram's Weiland Zabo. Love it. Yeah. Awesome. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I will see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.