Ria and Amber: Twin Flames
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All right, gentlemen, coming to main stage next, this is Bunny. Get up there, she's got a tornado of titties coming your way. Get those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes like Michael J. Fox. So get up there and throw, throw, throw them dollars. Dude, that is fucking iconic. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, I have...

I believe one of TikTok's cutest couples. I think you guys are just so fucking adorable. I love what you guys represent and I love what you do. Rhea and Amber Demire. Did I say it right? Yes. You said it perfect. Yay for me. Yay for me. Yay for me.

What's up, guys? What are you guys doing out here? Well, nothing yet, but... We haven't left our room yet. We slept all day yesterday. You guys had some... Trying to get you guys here was crazy. Remember when we were looking at the flights? I was like, holy fuck. It's because we live in Connecticut, and Connecticut doesn't have much options to leave. They make it really hard. You have to get on two different flights to get anywhere.

Yeah. It's crazy. And then New York is like two hours from us. So it's like pointless to get a ride to go there to get one flight. So it's might as well just get on two planes. Yeah. I saw that when I was trying to book you guys' flights. And Amber, I was just like, you know what? Why don't you guys book your flights and then tell me when you guys are coming in? I know you're like 6 a.m. You're like, what's wrong with you? She's like, that's okay. She travels every month like that. I do, so I'm used to it. Every month she travels like that. Once a month to see the kids. And then I'm up at 3 a.m. Two flights every time.

I can't. My team knows I'm not getting up. I'm not getting to the airport before fucking 12 p.m. I mean, I would rather not. But I just don't like a walking zombie at this point. I can't. I can't do it. There's nothing in my DNA that says you can get up at fucking 6 a.m. I agree. She knows her worth. That's all that matters. I'm with that.

Well, I'm so happy to hear you guys' story. I want to start with Rhea. And then we're going to just kind of like intertwine and, you know, see where it goes from here. But Rhea, where did you grow up? Are you from Connecticut? I was born in Macedonia. Okay. When I was two years old, my parents decided to move up to the United States. We had like a visa, so...

So that eventually expired after like 10 years. So we came here. I was two years old. I grew up in a very like strict household. My parents being Muslim and we're Albanian, you know, the two very like between the culture and the religion, it was rough, especially being a woman in our culture. It's like one of those cultures that are like, you know, your whole purpose is to serve people.

your husband, their family, and you're basically their servant. So that's one of those really rough. And you were basically as soon as you, you know, you remember, all I remember is like my parents

talking to me like you know or mostly my mom like you have to learn this because your husband's gonna yeah starting at like childhood like eight years old very young like you have to learn how to clean because your husband's not gonna like this you know what I mean like all it was always like that was never I could never be a kid right you know it was very very rough so that I lived in one of those households and then obviously like

You can't even marry outside of the culture. You had to marry in the culture. There was no... Like, different races. Like, had to be strictly Albanian. So they just from the womb were like, look, you were born to pretty much serve a man. Your life was already chosen for you. That's pretty much it. Like, you had no...

no per you they picked everything for you like your personality everything you had nothing for yourself so I never know my identity really right in my heart yeah as a child I mean I knew I knew I liked girls when I was five years old like I had crushes on in kindergarten you know what I mean I'm like but I knew that wasn't like normal because we didn't talk about that no one said anything about it especially back then you know yeah that was how old are you

me i'm 35 now okay okay so yeah like that we're like in the same age group a little bit yeah 42 i'm older but you do not look 42 i love you guys not just wake up next to me and just give me fucking compliments all day i love it as long as you give them back i'm like holy shit but yeah no for sure back in the day back in that and you know in that era it's so weird to even say that is our parents were

You know, they were brought up that way too. So they inflicted their fucking childhood trauma onto us. And it was just, you know, just given to us to carry on. Yeah. Like the fear mongering of like religion and like going to hell if you did anything bad. You know, it's like we were scared. Yeah. Religious trauma. Yeah. I didn't know what to do. Like I basically lived...

inside of my head. That's all I knew how to do is live life inside of my head. It was all like fake, obviously. Like I created my own reality in my own head. Yeah. Because you're in fear to even speak out. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So, and I, yeah, I grew up in a very, also very like abusive household. My dad was very abusive to my mom. He always put his hands on my mom. He was always drunk. You know, money was a, a fear in my house too because my dad was always spending money and my mom always like, you know, with the bills being paid, like that was a huge fear.

And that was one of my traumas I had to work on was like fear of losing money. Like, and when you, when you had, I had a money hoarder. Yeah, she was. I am still really, I'm still working on that. Like I'm helping her through that for sure. I'm still working on that.

No, it's hard. It's hard when you... I remember my parents having an argument. They argued all the fucking time about money. And one argument, it was about getting me clothes for school. And I remember I looked at my dad at like 12 years old and I was like, I can't wait to leave home so that you don't have to take care of me anymore. Like that really... They don't realize that...

them arguing about money in front of kids is fucking us up, you know? So now that I'm fucking make hell of money, I'm like, so like scared to spend it because it's like, you know what it's like to live in that fucking chaos of not having it. Yeah. Of not having it, but also it kind of being held over your head, their heads and like you being made to feel bad. Like it's a fucked up thing. Oh yeah. We have conversations about it very often. And yeah,

It's a struggle. Like, we show, you know, we show ourselves on camera all the time. Yeah. And this happy stuff and, like, but then outside, like, I would like to show my... The healing. The healing part of it. Yeah. Because it's very, like, like, yes, we're smiling on camera, but there is, like, a...

um we cry struggle we argue we we do go through these things that we need to heal together like she has her healing i have my healing you know and but it all stems from child all of it all of it we're healing our own stuff together and we love each other through it and we take accountability that's the thing is like people think that like oh it's you know it might be toxic it's not toxic if you take accountability and you work through it together and you heal together it's really not

No, that's what my husband and I did. We went through so much fucking shit when we first got together. But I'm so thankful because his trauma and my trauma somehow came to a head with each other. And we just both healed each other and worked through each other. I think that that would be good for you guys to show that part of you guys. You know, whenever, like, do you guys have a YouTube channel for anything like that? We plan on it. We started a YouTube channel with this one. For sure.

Please. I forgot the password and the email. So we have to start a new one. Okay. It's not going to be that hard. I think you guys could probably like email YouTube and get that. Maybe. I don't know. I'm not too worried about it. She's like whatever about it. And I'm like, I don't want to start over. But yeah, like we would like to be more on YouTube, like showing these type of things. Yeah. I feel like on TikTok you can do it, but it's like such a time difference.

Yes, that's the thing. You know, like you have to get fucking, I guess now we can do like 10 minutes, but which I do on my backup account. I fucking talk to everybody on my backup account. And I know I'm like, you know what, skip if you don't want to see it. If you do, fucking hang in there. But it's just so hard to like cry on command. And then, you know, if I can have a have a beginning, a middle and an end in 10 minutes, it's like really hard to do that. That's actually how I started out was vlogging. So I did YouTube and that's where I got my following online.

plus I was in webcam so that's where I got my two followings from and then you know Instagram and Facebook and all that shit and then fucking TikTok came along but YouTube is a great platform to for people to really get to like know the inside of your family yeah I feel like that as well we do that on live like TikTok's not the place for it yeah when we're on live we get very open and raw and real yeah I love that yeah so Amber where did you grow up well I

Well, I was born in Florida. We moved to New York, actually. And then to Minnesota. Minnesota. I was just there. I'm very sorry. I was laughing so hard at that TikTok. Bro.

bro i was like i feel you i feel you i get depressed we get pneumonia every time we oh god i thought i was gonna get it no really god i was exaggerating the cold depresses me i'm not joking it's depressing when you can't see the sky there's something you feel like so claustrophobic and like caged in literally we were depressed yeah no it is depressed i can't even leave the house yeah you can't do anything i don't know how people live there i that's why i left yeah so how long were you in minnesota i was in minnesota for like 23

three years. Oh, wow. Bitch, you are a lifer. Very depressing. That's a lifetime. So my dad was in prison in New York and my mom was like, well, let's like get away from him. Let's rewind. Okay. So about that. Yeah. So you were born in Florida. Mom and dad were together then or? No. Okay. He was from New York. I think she went down to live with her mom in Florida and had me there and then came back up to New York. Okay. So was dad in prison when you were

born no okay what did he in and out drugs you know theft he was like a hit man at one point like my dad was deep into crime and you know my mom i think she loved that badass like we all love criminals i don't know why but you know that was each their own i prefer felons i married one so um

No judgment. No, no, no. We love jelly rolls. Yeah. Daddy. Okay. So you, your dad was in prison and then your mom took you to Minnesota. So your dad was, was your dad just in and out of your life? Did you have a relationship with him? At that time? Yeah. He lived with us. He was just like in and out of prison all the time. Okay. So you got to see this firsthand as a child. Oh yeah. My mom and him would fight to the point, you know, he broke her nose. I can, I can remember all of like the trauma, even like,

six years and under I can it still flashes back often so she put us on a greyhound just my sister and her with the clothes on our backs and we came to Minnesota I can remember it you still didn't really get away from it right well my mom I think she told she was she had a trauma bond with him it was a toxic relationship very toxic so she ended up telling him where we were and he followed us back to Minnesota

And she grew up in like foster care systems because her mom couldn't let go of that relationship. Well, it was around like eighth grade. It got so bad in the home that I was like, I wasn't even getting showered at home. I wasn't eating. I wasn't. And people were noticing at school and like bullying me for it. So I remember like I was in a stall at school one day and I was like, how would you feel if you went home and didn't, you know, your parents were literally killing each other and you had nothing to eat.

And they were like, oh, I had no clue. Like, I'm so sorry. And then told the principal. And from there, I went into foster care. Oh, how are you feeling as a child? Was your sister with you? No, she also was in and out of foster cares as well. She already had had a baby. At 15, she got pregnant. Oh, wow.

So I was home. I was, I literally raised myself. They were never there. I was like this wanderer of a child. That's gotta be so hurtful. You know, at this point, I don't feel the hurt any longer because we've gone through like the spiritual awakening kind of journey thing to where I'm like, we get it. I get it. Right. Like I get, I can turn that pain into power. I get why it happened. And,

And it's like now I have this wisdom and no one can ever judge a book by its cover. Like I can now share my stories and I can help people in the same situation and be like, bro, this is not, you're not a victim. This isn't the end. You know? Yeah. Nope. If anybody agrees with that, it's me. Yeah. That's our main thing is we tell people you don't, you know, you don't have to be a victim to your trauma. You're not your trauma. You can get out of it. Ever.

You know what I mean? Break those generational curses. Absolutely. And I say, and like victim sounds like, you know, when you say victim, it's like you die to, you die, right? You die to it. You die to it. You're living. You're living. Don't allow it to hold you back to live. You know what I mean? You can still thrive. You can heal and become stronger. Make yourself proud.

Yeah. Amen. I love it. It's literally just prison. Yeah. No, it is. It's a mental hell. Yeah. People living in your own hell. Yeah. When you give yourself that victim title, it's just a loop that you put yourself on to just feel the abuse over and over and over again. Like a dopamine hit.

Right. Yeah. Exactly. So it's just like, you know, if you want to break out of that, you have to do something different and not do well and not feel sorry for yourself. Yeah. You got to be uncomfortable. Healing is fucking ugly. I'm telling you. Ugly. I was such a fucked up person before. And I was on social media. I didn't meet her yet. So whatever. I got popular on social media. Yeah. I followed you first. Yeah. And then I remember when she came on, I was like, hell yeah, baby. I was excited.

I was like, woo! Everyone pushed her. You're the only one that was excited, believe me. Really? I was rooting for you guys, dude. No one else was excited. I'm telling you that right now. We had some supporters that were rooting as well. Some. But like, meeting her for me, she was like in my face, like...

I knew if I let her in and she was one of those people that like that she would be the one and I knew in my soul, but I was in my victim mentality too. And I was like, I was such a, I was just, I knew I was, I felt broken. Well, let's rewind real quick. So we left off where you were, you know, living in this household with religious trauma, being groomed.

Yeah. To serve a man. Definitely. I feel like all little girls were all groomed in some sense. I mean, yours definitely probably more because of the religion and stuff like that. But even, you know, American girls, that's what we're taught is, you know, you get up and you serve your husband and, you know, unless you have a fucking crazy mom, you know, like me, who's like, no, we don't need no man. Yeah. But, you know, our moms back then were like, you know, you fucking serve your man, whatever. When...

When did you start realizing... So you said at five you started realizing that you liked girls. Yeah. Like, take me on that journey, too. I was just quiet about it. I never said a word. I...

I always played with the boys. I always like wanted to just hang. The boys were just the ones I wanted to hang out with because I was a tomboy. So I never related to girly girls. I never wanted to play Barbies. I never wanted to play house. I didn't give a shit. So I just wanted to just play sports with the boys. And my parent, my mom took it as like, I was interested in boys at that time. And I remember I would, if she ever saw me with, with a hanging out with the boys, I would get,

like sometimes beaten for it or put in in a room and sometimes I wasn't allowed to go outside anymore like it was bad so I remember keeping that a secret for a long time the I didn't come out to my mom to my mom until like I my second divorce where I had enough wow I think they knew she was gay I think they didn't know because she she would take me to like e-moms like they're like

priests yeah in trying to pray the gay away in the muslim uh religion they're priests and i never knew what the hell she was doing she said that like i was cursed or something like you want to take bad juju from me you know make make me better right i was like okay so like i would always end up these places with her and i never knew why but i she admitted like she admitted she married me off to my first husband because when she did that i was i was a senior in high school i i wasn't

I was about to be 18. So you they had a man picked out for you already? They did because my it's like he was 23 I think 23 or 24 I'm not sure. Tell her how. I was at uh so my cousins it was arranged my cousins knew somebody and they just told my mom about it oh he's a good guy great family yada yada.

And they showed me a picture and I told my mom, I was like, absolutely not. I was like, hell no. You know, I'm like, that's absolutely not even just the guy who's definitely not my type either. It's like you're like still in high school. You're not even processing like, hey, I'm going to go be a wife and have kids. And like, you're supposed to be wanting to go off to college. Yeah, I didn't get to, I didn't even get to processing.

First of all being gay and then being shown this guy you're like yeah, and I was a hell no. Did you have girlfriends through high school secretly? I did. Yeah, so people in high school had ideas that I had I was interested but

but I didn't really get, my parents weren't involved in my school stuff. You know how parents get involved with, and no parents of like, my parents never got involved with anything. They were always working. So I never, they never have kind of like a different life at school. Yeah. But her sister knew about it. My sister did. She was always supportive. Oh, yeah. Um, so where was it? So then you met him at McDonald's. No, I did not meet him.

not me what the hell where was it applebee's no let me before but before that my i said no and my father came downstairs and i remember he said you're gonna go and he threatened me he pretty much was like i'm gonna beat your ass you're going you have no choice until this day he'll tell you he had no involvement in that but he absolutely had involvement in it don't you love how our parents gas no they always gaslight us motherfucker always and we're me and my dad are beefing right now because he's trying to tell me my childhood wasn't real oh yeah and i'm

like you were on my podcast saying it was yeah yeah i think we're on the same page yep cutting our parents offering oh yeah no yeah absolutely so i met the i went once applebee's and there's like 30 people they're his family members my family members and i'm just sitting there like in like

I don't want to be here. Apple fucking bees. Do you ever eat there now? No, I don't. I don't want to ever see apple bees again. Fuck apple bees. For real. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, all right, well, this will be over soon. I'll just go home and do my thing again. And then I end up home. I'm like, I didn't eat apples. There's 30,000 people staring at me. So I didn't even eat. And I went to McDonald's. I'm like, I was hungry. And when we got home, I went, I came back from McDonald's. My mom was like, congratulations, you're engaged. And I'm like,

God, that's so weird. So creepy. What a different way of life. Yeah. So it was like that. And then I was like engaged for like a year to this guy that I knew for like 20 minutes. I literally had no idea who this guy was or who as a person at all. During that year, did you guys like go on dates? We did. I mean, I just went with it. I was not a very...

I tried to pretend as much as I could. You can only pretend so much. Like it was very hard for me to like show any affection or gravitate to somebody I didn't want, you know? And I'm not, I also felt bad for him because it was unfair to him. I felt horrible for things that I didn't create. Was his parents part, um, his parents arranged his stuff too. But he made out like, I mean, I'm not trying to be a dick about it, but like,

I ended up being the better looking of the two. Right. You know, like I really got the shit under the stick in that situation. By any means, I'm not a shallow person, but if I was going to marry a guy, like, it's just, yeah, I shouldn't get to choose. You know, like I didn't. And he was shorter than me. I'm not, not hating on that either, but like, it was very hard for me to connect everything.

At all. To physicality. There's so much trauma. I tried. You were just grasping onto anything. Anything. Not eyelashes. Like at this point. Yeah. Like anything. And I tried. His humor. I guess his humor. Even to this day she says this. He was really funny. He was funny. She does try to take something nice out of it. He was. And he was honestly straight up nice guy. I never. Yeah.

- I never, and I wouldn't, even with my other ex, like both of them, they're genuine good guys. - We'll get to the next ex too. - So how long were you married to him? - I was married three years to him. So, and I got out of that situation 'cause my cousin was married to his brother, she's my first cousin, and she ended up leaving that situation, not even a year married because he was abusive.

and mixing family like that in our culture is not good because once you get divorced there's no talking like it's done and i was mixed like that was my aunt's daughter so i was like i'm not gonna lose my family and not talk to my cousins or anybody because of somebody i don't love anyway yeah and i was like that was my way out and i i got out of that my parents are okay with me leaving that situation because it was messy were you a virgin when you married him

Not with men. Averted that way. With men, yes. 100% averted. But not with women. No. Okay, gotcha, because you had girlfriends in high school. How traumatic is that, though, to have to be made to sleep with a man? I have sexual trauma. We're still healing through that. I still have sexual trauma. To this day. I feel like people don't talk about that enough, you know? Like, that is just, first of all, you're giving your body to somebody that you're, a species you're not even attracted to. I mean, I can't stand men as it is, but I married one, you know?

you know, but to be forced to be with somebody that you're one, not physically attracted to two, there's no connection whatsoever. That's how are you feeling that night? Oh,

I was scared. I was scared. I didn't even know what to do. Honestly, I was scared. It was dark. I know the lights were, I wanted the lights off. I never wanted them on. Yeah. It was quick. I know that. I mean, I didn't lose my virginity right away because he was very much like. New to it as well. New. He's like, he's like, you know. Yeah. He ejaculated before he even went in. Right. It's like one of those things. So it's like. You're both new to it. I was like, okay. And then that was over and.

And obviously repeated until. It was never long and which was nice, but I never wanted anything. The way she's trying to sugarcoat it. Like, I don't. It's just her way. I understand. Her coping. Yeah. I mean, I never wanted him to touch me in areas. Right. I was always like, no, no, no. I was uncomfortable. Yeah. And he was okay with it. He didn't fight, but he also started becoming insecure. Oh.

Because. Did you think he was catching on to the fact that maybe you. Oh yeah. Somebody outed me in high school. Oh no. Somebody that knew that I was married to him. Which is fucked up. Outing people is the most fucked up thing to do. Because no one knows. That's no fair. No. Someone's life. Because there's a reason I didn't come out.

Yeah. There's a reason someone doesn't come out. They don't feel safe. And for you to out somebody and say, oh yeah, but she was gay in high school. Especially in your culture, they could be like jeopardizing your life. I mean, I got threatened my whole life. My dad would describe to me and my siblings what he would do to us if we ever strayed off path. Like, and he would leave. He'd be like, I'm going to go back to Macedonia and they'll never catch me. Like,

That's traumatizing. Yeah, absolutely. So it took a lot for me to be where I'm at today and speak on things and be myself. But that sexual trauma, it's still something that we even struggle with. Like getting her to even enjoy her body or to not disassociate. Sometimes I do disassociate accidentally.

I don't try to. It's your brain. You have no control over it. Your brain is just going to shut off automatically. My hand does that too with certain things. We've been doing tantric meditations and trying to heal her chakras. It's helping. It actually is doing a lot of help. Acknowledging you need to heal. That's the problem. Healing is long.

it's dirty it's messy you have to reopen those wounds so that they can literally close back up heal scar exactly and then disappear and it takes a long time dude the last thing is like when we first got together like i she had a psychic tell her that i was going to open her pandora box and it was like all the she'd been hiding for so long from the world

I was going to make her face it. I didn't even know what that was. And I did. I realized what it was once that floodgate opened. Yeah, being an empath, it's like I loved her internally, even on the outside when she was putting up this wall. The wall that I put up, we almost broke up many times. Let's get to that. Hold on real quick. So Amber, let's bounce back to you. So you go away and foster care. Yeah.

Take me on this journey now. I went to foster care at 12, I believe. And I started just rebelling horribly. Oh, yeah. I mean, with drugs, sex, like all of it. At 12? At 12. Wow. Yeah. And I mean, all my friends were doing it. So like I wanted somewhere to fit in. And that's how I fit in with them. The outcasts always accept. And I was just numbing. You know, it gave me... I was drunk off of... We used to drink like...

moonshine like rubbing alcohol yeah at 12 years old like falling downstairs like but even younger my the first time i got drunk was eight years old with my sister because she was she'd have to bring me to every party she was eight years old eight years old you're drinking wasted

That is insane. She had no guidance, clearly. I was raising myself. When I say that, I truly did it all on my own. Yeah. They'd come home at like 9 p.m., 10 p.m. They'd be drunk fighting and I had done everything on my own until that point, you know? So I think up until like...

No, I definitely was rebelling all through high school. I went into a really good foster care though in like ninth grade. And although they were really good, I was still rebelling, you know, hard. Well, a lot of hurt. Yeah. A lot of pain. Yeah. So...

And after I graduated, I went down an even worse path like drugs. And, you know, I should be dead right now. I'm actually surprised that I'm not. I say that all the time. I don't know how I literally almost got kidnapped at one point. I can do twice. I got into some guy's car. He had no handle on the inside of his car door.

And I can remember being awake enough to be like telling him my whole life story so that he'd feel bad enough for me. And, you know, walked home in the winter with no shoes on. How old were you in this guy's car? I was like 17. He was an older guy. Ugh. They're always fucking perverts. Mm-hmm. And he had no, apparently he had no handle. Yeah. No car door handle. No car door handle to get out. Just bad intentions. In college, it was very bad. Like I was raped at a party one time because my drinking was so bad. I would just black out. Black out wherever you were. Yeah.

Everywhere. And at that time, I felt guilty for it. I felt dirty for the things that I was doing, even though I wasn't responsible for a lot of the shit that was happening. We're never responsible for the trauma that other people inflict on us. We're left to fucking pick up the pieces and learn how to deal with it. Absolutely. As a child, you're not equipped with those coping skills. No, but you get ridiculed for it. Everyone on the outside is like, oh, you're just a whore. You're just.

dirty you know you shouldn't have been drinking you shouldn't have been wearing that which puts you into a deeper depression you're going to want to drink more and you're just going to continue to make bad decisions and bad choices which is what I was doing um so I started actually I was dating girls in college as well and then yeah so when did you know that you were interested I was always I was having sex with girls in middle school too yeah me too I was banging my neighbor

I've made her put socks in her pants. Oh, yeah. We were all grinding on each other. I had a foursome when I was like 12 years old. Nah, listen. We can compare stories later. Regina, I'm sorry. Regina actually reached out to me and was like, can you please stop talking about me on the walkout? I'm like, nobody knows it's you. She's like, they all know it's me. I'm your fucking neighbor.

a neighbor. I was your neighbor forever. I'm like, no, okay. Yeah, no, I get it. My first love was boy George. Like, I mean, I have, I get that. Yeah, no, I, and I still love dudes that wear makeup. Like it's the weirdest shit ever. It's not weird. It's not weird at all. I love it. I love it. My husband thinks it's crazy. He's like, you married

me and I'm like well you know I love you but I fell for your soul yeah exactly not for your that's okay very true absolutely there's souls yes there's all ways of like loving no judgment looks or yeah absolutely so many different ways no for sure so you knew just as a kid that you like I was a very free spirit yeah very free very loving very I wanted to be loved so I was I just experimented all the way around and

So I actually met the guy that I married in high school and he was horrible for me.

Horrible. Shocking. The one story she told me. Please stop. I'm going to tell the story. I want to hear. She told me she had one of those babies from class and you had to take care of it. It was like part of class. Yeah. And she ended up with the baby at his house with a bunch of his friends. I don't know. And she said he took the baby and then he threw it with his friends across the room. I was like, you don't think that was like your first red flag? That's not the person I thought of. Okay, I was a little dumb back then. Clearly not.

I wasn't quite thinking straight. She was like, ooh, that turns me on. The way he flips that baby around. Yeah. Love it. Craziest part is that he went to the same college that I did. Same area.

And we ended up, you know, dating in college. And the reason I dated him was because... At least you went to college, though. I went to college on a full ride scholarship for vocal performance. I was talented. So you sing? Yeah, I'm a singer. Sing a little bar for us. No, no, we're good. No, I cannot sing on command. I can't. Do it. She's so good. I love it. She makes me get emotional. On another time. She's really good at it.

yeah she gets shy though she's i love that because nobody would know that about you she sings she used to sing on live all the time for her her when before me that's how i that's how i have horrible stage fright so i could never have even been a performer i don't even know what i was thinking i mean you got a full ride baby you were doing something right i was i definitely knew what i was i was such a nerd when i came i engulfed myself in in anything music and yeah i was your escape

It definitely was my escape. So you met your first husband. Yes, I met him in high school and then we started dating again in college. But he was like this quiet, no. He was this quiet kid. Like he didn't fight me on anything. Like he stayed around. You know, everyone else is wanting to fuck and be like, you're a whore, you know, whatever. He just stuck, he stuck around. And for me, that felt like safety. So I felt like love. Abandonment.

It wasn't love on either end. Right. But if to you being in this. He was my friend and it felt safe. Yeah. Right. Exactly. It didn't feel like crazy or anything. So that's where I stayed. So when did you guys get married? We got married when I was 21. I got pregnant at 18 with twins and I lost them. And it was very, very rocky. Like we definitely had a lot of, I had a lot of trauma. So I was not meant to be in a relationship. Right. But we stuck it out.

We stuck it out for 13 years. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. He knew I was gay, however. Right. So how did he know you were gay? Oh, I told him. Okay. But I think he thought I was bisexual. Right. Because I wasn't openly like, I'm gay. Yeah. I was just like, I love women and I want to fuck women all the time.

And he was just like, oh, he thought it was kinky. Right. Yeah, men sexualize us. Always. He definitely did. But he knew in the back of his mind and it made him insecure for sure. Definitely did because he knew.

Let's bounce back to you, Rhea. So when somebody outed you, what happened then? Somebody outed after that? My life was hell. He was watching my every move. My ex-husband, my first ex-husband, he would follow me to my other jobs. He would make sure like whoever I had as even girls as friends weren't like...

like somebody i was interested so my life was miserable after that like you were like more under a microscope than when you yeah and then i had like i i couldn't do much anymore like i i could have before so they really these people who outed me really fucked with my life after like why did they do that do you know just it was some kid it was some fucking kid this guy i don't know why this kid he did it twice to me right he outed me with him and then he outed me with my second

My second ex-husband. Because he's a barber. He ended up having a haircut by my second husband at the time. And he was like, yeah, he found out that was my husband. He's like, yeah, I heard she was into girls. And then that became, and then with him, it was easier to deny. Because I tried harder with him. In a relationship, I was more...

um involved in their relationship i'm sorry yeah i love the dog yeah i love the dog but yeah it's just it was easier with him when they added you the first time did your family hear about it too my family did not hear about it but in my family always knew they just didn't want to they didn't admit it they didn't want to admit it and they never heard me say it

So to them, it wasn't real. Right. So they really like hoped that it would go away. Like it was one of those things that you could just like choose. You know what I mean? But when you got out of the marriage, I think they knew. So they even kept her even more prisoner after she got out of the marriage. So your sister, right, was married to the...

My cousin was married to his brother. So once we got divorced, my life fucking hit the... I was 21. And this is like the time of your life, right? You should be... Finally, I'm free. And I wasn't. I was back in this house where...

living it again, but as a 21 year old. You were forced to go back home or you just kind of had no choice? I had no choice. I didn't go to college. They didn't let me go. I didn't, you know. Well, let's be real because in her culture, it's like very traditional to take care of your parents. Right. And especially with the trauma bond that they had, she was their comfort too.

And the control, as toxic as it was, she still felt responsible for them as well. So like there was this horrible trauma bond going on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh God. But yeah, so my parents didn't let me have friends. I wasn't allowed to have a phone at the time either. I was going to school at the time. I started this like,

medical assisting program i'm like anything fast so i can make some income and it's like whatever professional is a cool career whatever so i did that and they drove me and picked me up brought me to a restaurant we owned at the time it was a pizza place i went from school there to there went back home at like midnight and it was a vicious cycle of that all the time yeah i had that was my schedule i had no life outside of school and and restaurant

And that was literally like where I'm like, I need to find a dude. I need to find some guy on Facebook. And I was like, mom, how do you expect me to find a guy if you guys won't let me have a phone, no social media? And then that's when they're like, oh, that's true. So they let me have like social media and a phone.

And I met Frank. I met him. Frank! My second husband. My ex's name is Frank. Really? That's hilarious. Frank. Yeah. Frank the Tank. He was supposed to be just my boyfriend and like just to be like a way just to say I have a boyfriend and let me be free and like them chill out. But that did not work in my favor. And I just had gotten divorced. I met Frank.

I was divorced like three months, really. And then my parents and Frank, they were all like, well, you got to get married. You can't just stay. Was Frank in your culture too? Yeah. Okay. You got to get married. He's like, I can't. He's very much like a little bit old school culture type mentality with him. So he kind of like, they all persuaded me to like,

I'm like, whatever. I'm like, just do it. I'm like, I'll still have more freedom at Frank's house. I'm like, he has no mom. I didn't have an evil mother-in-law like the last one, right? So she's overseas. I was like, I'll be home. I'll still have my freedom. And that didn't pan out well either because his mom ended up coming from overseas living with us. Oh, God. So I was living with the monster in law. Which, when I tell you like,

demon demon like she was so nasty to me for no she just did not like me she he didn't have his father died when he was two so it was just her and she had this attachment to her son since then i don't know but like she'd make her clean out the cupboards pregnant like get up and like take all the stuff down and clean them while she's pregnant so this is your baby daddy yeah okay i had i had

I had my first pregnancy with him and I was eight months pregnant. I remember. And I remember she used to make me do the craziest things just to watch me like suffer, suffer. She loved it. And I would just do it because I didn't want to argue. And I, I was looking and seeking so much validation, so much love. Like I wanted some, just to be loved. I never felt that ever. So I would do anything. And then at one point, uh,

I lost the baby. She was stillborn. Yeah, I had a stillborn. At eight months. It was from listeria. It was like bacteria. I must have eaten something and that guilt ate me for a very long time because I felt responsible. I'm like, I ate something that caused my child to die and it's my fault. And I could not grieve that. And that carried on to her 10 years later. We're still healing that. That's tough. I couldn't imagine carrying a baby that long and then

i had everything i had the nursery i had the clothes i had the name and she made her throw away all of her stuff the mother-in-law made her throw away all the baby she told me to stop crying she couldn't keep any of it she's like it's enough you'll have another one it's not the end of the world you need to get pregnant right away after evil woman yeah she was i'm telling you she's still alive yeah but they sent her back to her hurt his new wife his new wife sent her back

To where she belongs. Back home because that's where she was living first. She was living in Macedonia. Yeah. And she was getting almost same treatment because she has her own daughter from a previous marriage. She was treating that daughter like a stepchild. I feel like karma did its job for sure. You're not my blood. Yeah. So she's being cruel to that little girl and the mom had enough and she shipped her ass back. Good for her. That lady deserves it. That was coming to her. Yeah, for sure. So she made you get pregnant right away again. Yeah, I mean, I wanted to. Right. It wasn't her. It was me. Just to kind of help you.

The hurt. Not even just the hurt. You felt lonely. At that point, when I lost the baby, I felt suicidal. Like, I'm like, what the fuck does God want for me at this point? Like, you got me doing... I'm doing everything you want. I'm with this man. I'm not...

not doing these sins you know not being gay i'm doing whatever i'm supposed to be doing i just wanted a child and you took that from me so it's like you know at this point i was like fuck god i was like are you even real like i started like i'm like what's the purpose of life and i really came to this really like dark place at one point where i like i was ready to shove a bottle of pills and just call it a day and then like this voice inside of me was like ria don't do it

ria don't do it i'm like it's like you have a purpose here like it was like for some reason like whatever was going on in my head my intuition something i don't know was telling me don't do it i just stuck i just

I just stuck with that. Like, I'm like, okay, I'll just keep going. I'll see, you know. And then you had Ayla. Then I got pregnant like two or three months later after I lost the first baby. And I didn't even think about it anymore because I was so hurt. But I wanted a baby so bad to fill this like void in my heart. Like I had no purpose. And I just wanted to be happy. And I never felt happiness. I didn't know what the fuck happy felt like. Yeah. Because I was always...

depressed. I was always in a dark place. So I just, and even when I had the baby, I was still like empty in a way. I still felt like I wasn't myself. I'm like, this, it doesn't feel right. Because you weren't living your authentic. And then that's when my daughter was my whole purpose of why I like,

Wanted to stop everything. I was like they treat me like shit here. No one sticks up for me I was like, I don't want my daughter to see that and I'm like my daughter's never gonna know who I really am I don't even know who I really am. I was like, so how do I how do I raise a kid like that? Mm-hmm. It's just like this whole I had up an epiphany moment for my daughter. How old was she when you got out?

She was not even two years old. She was like a year and a half maybe. Oh, good. So you like had her and you just started a plan to leave. Because I never wanted to be like my parents either. I wanted to give her something I never experienced ever. Yeah. You know, and I never wanted to pass trauma to her that I had. I just wanted her to see something I never saw. Yeah. So you guys both share in losing...

children yeah that's crazy it's crazy that you guys are very common parallel lives we do and i truly believe in like soulmates or like twin flames and i truly believe he's my twin flame like our souls cut in half like we even kind of look alike if you

say no i've been sitting here looking at you guys like do you say twin flames are like supposed to like never never last no that's not no it's not it's not true that's the misunderstanding that society has made twin flames can't you of course you're gonna meet there you guys are gonna go through some shit like that but you can also heal together i agree and you can stay together and longevity jay and i split we had a separation whenever we first got together but you were meant to be and we got back together twin flames can become soulmates and i believe that full

And I also believe it because there's so many things that have fallen into place that just wouldn't make sense otherwise. Like her baby's due date, her first baby is my birthday. It's her birthday. Aww.

I take it as a sign. What are the odds of that? My first one, she told me and I was like, holy shit, like maybe Ava sent her to me. You know what I mean? Oh my God. This is, this is, this is her. This is the right person. And I always felt right with her. I was just afraid of her. Her first marriage date was my son's birthday. Wow. Yeah. My first, my, my, too many, too many days. And nothing just like happens by chance. Numerology is a huge thing in

people's lives too if you guys break those down so after you lost the twins when did you have you have two kids right yeah correct okay and it's with the same three you have three yeah okay sorry sorry we forgot about that no I'm just kidding um when did you get pregnant next when I was um 20 okay I had my first daughter when I was 21 okay like I was pregnant while we got married

we had a destination wedding and I remember the day we got married I bawled I cried so hard like I knew I shouldn't be doing it but I had this that's all I had there was going no I had no family there was this is all I had right and your dad's already locked up at this time my mom is toxic going through other relationships and

You're just running, really running on empty, just trying to figure out like a robot life. Yeah. Yeah. Robot. And then when were the other babies born later on down the road? Yeah. So Cavell was born like three years later. Okay. And then Sire was born. He was an oopsie baby.

But he's the reason I got out of the relationship. I love that name, Sire. Thank you. I had a dog named Sire. I love it. It's the king. I love it too. Yeah. That's awesome. He was my like catalyst for my spiritual awakening. Yeah. I remember just laying in bed and like so depressed. I used to drive down the street and just want to fucking swerve into the other lane and be like, you know, my kids would be taken care of. Like I wouldn't have to like just suffer.

suffer anymore yeah and i couldn't even be a mom i couldn't get out of bed and i'm like these kids need me and they don't have me just pretending to be the soccer mom faking my shit every single day and i had lost who i was in in the making of it yeah and so i told him i'm like bro like i need a girlfriend so that i can like find something inside of me to like spark me again otherwise i feel alive i need to feel alive

So my kids can have a mom again. And he's like, okay. He said yeah to that. So I found a girlfriend. And then when he realized that like it wasn't for him, when he realized that I couldn't, I wasn't sharing her with him, then he was like, no. Oh, because he was like, then we were sharing it. He thought we were finally sunk in. Like this was real life. She's not into me. She's into them, you know? Like, okay, gotcha. Yeah. So then I asked for a divorce.

Awesome. And how was he? Was he like, fuck now? He was pissed at me. Oh, I'm sure. He called me like a master manipulator. He's like, you're not the mom you used to be. Oh, just trying to hurt you. All nasty shit. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely angry. So when did you get divorced from? A year and a half is when you left? Yeah.

Yeah. From Frank? After you had your baby, a year and a half was when you left. Yeah, I was married to him for five years. So it was like first marriage, three years, and then Frank right after. That was another five years. So a good portion of my life was dedicated to these marriages with men. Yeah. And that was hard. But I do see why. Like I have my daughter and I would do it all over again. She motivated you to get the fuck out of there and break. She did. So you left. That's what it was. I never knew it was that.

I didn't know what the hell trauma was. I don't think we all knew what we were doing until we were in the middle of it. And we're like, holy shit. Makes sense now. And now we know. Like she taught me these things. I'm like, I didn't know that's trauma. I thought I got out of this fucking life. I'm like, oh, wow. Like I got out. I didn't need therapy. I didn't need medication. Poor baby. I made it. And then this one comes into my life and she's like,

Surprise, bitch. No, no, no. We're going to face all this shit together, mama. And I'm like, what do you mean I got to heal? I'm fine. I didn't realize I tucked everything under. Yeah. And I didn't really...

So when did you guys, okay, so Rhea, you got on social media and you got a pretty big following. I think I started following you a couple years ago. How long have you guys been together? Like two years. Two and a half. Okay, so I followed you right before you guys got together. I think I had even talked to you about coming on the podcast or something. Yeah.

So take me through this journey. You get on TikTok, you blow up. You're like fucking TikTok's most eligible, you know, lesbian. Yeah. I'm trying to learn people's terminologies and I never want to insult people. You can say lesbian. Okay, gotcha. Yeah. My daughter got my, it was during the pandemic. My daughter was like, mom, let's get on TikTok. And I was like, I'm like, same. Yeah. I don't want to, but fine.

and it started with me making fun tiktoks with my daughter and then i saw this tiktok i'm like i saw somebody do some cool ass transition i'm like i'm gonna try it i did it and it just blew up i'm like holy shit i'm like what do i do i didn't know what to do yeah i'm like that was an accident but then i started just like still being into it like being like this thirst trap lesbian and that eventually became a thing where like i'm like well i was like i don't want to keep doing this like

I was like, there's more to me than just like... Yeah, it felt like there's no substance to it. And then people were asking me in my comment section about my story. And I'm like, maybe we should just tell them. I was like, why not? Let me just tell them like... A glimpse of it. A glimpse of it. Because you can't really tell your story on just one video. You know that. Right, yeah. So I was like, all right, I'll just do a little glimpse. I did that and it just skyrocketed even more. Like people just were so... Started a whole movement. Like...

like it just sparked something in people to like motivate people to be themselves and like you know they saw what I went through and then where I am they're like holy shit this girl's confident little do they know like I was also like still a traumatized that

person behind the scenes that I didn't even know. We're all faking it out. But I was faking it till I made it. Yeah. Clearly like. Well, that's actually a trauma response too is, you know, faking it till you make it is like everything's great on the outside, but on the inside we're really fucking falling apart. And I couldn't even talk about my story. Like,

It was hard for me fully because I would turn blotchy red. I would get my... It's like I felt it all over again. And so clearly I never heal. Right. So now I talk about it, it's like I'm so numb to it. Like I don't feel the feelings I felt then. Well, because you're talking about it as therapeutic alone, you know? And just telling people your story and just being able to see how many people you touch with your story too has got to be healing in some way. She wants to act humble, but listen, this girl has changed so many lives. Like...

thousands when I tell you people will be like, I've came out because of you. I'm brave. I'm not homophobic any longer towards my children. She's really changed people's lives and their mindset. And she'll never take it. She just doesn't see it. And it's not that I don't see it.

It's like... You deserve that, though. That's the thing. She doesn't feel deserving of it. I just feel like it's still not enough. All those days that you were laying in bed wondering why you were still here, this is why you're still here. That little voice in my head all the time. No, for sure. I just feel like I should... She's like, she needs to do more. And I'm like, baby, just being you and...

And like sharing your wisdom with people is all you need to do. Yeah. Just be yourself. You're changing lives just by being you. Yeah. Yeah. So that's been. I love it. That's been my journey. I think it's amazing. Amber, you were on social media also? Okay. Tell me about your journey. I started like way before her, like years. I did YouTube. I used to do mukbangs as well. Like. I never say it right. I always say mukbangs. I say mukbangs too. I think it's mukbangs.

she won't even let me watch those i deleted them i think there's nothing cool about watching anybody eat but people love it dude i've done them too i've done a few on my youtube too they love it yeah and i was like i couldn't eat during my pregnancy and watching them made me want to eat so i started doing them i was like if i can help people fuck yeah yeah so i did i did that and i was doing like um selling makeup whatever so i had my own shit like empowering women whatever and

and then she comes along she's an empowering woman whatever whatever you know all that cool stuff you guys know what the fuck i'm talking about exactly yeah so then um she comes on my for you page and i my sister and me were sitting in her kitchen and i was like hello i was like have you seen this girl and she's like oh yeah i was like i'm gonna marry her

And she's like, okay. You psychopath. You can't just say you're going to marry someone you don't know. That's called manifesting. Yeah, exactly. She did that. That's exactly what I did, actually. And I followed her. Manifesting works, ladies. I tell you guys this all the time. We manifest everything we have. Everything. Everything. And I swear by it. I think that's why the money thing, I'm trying to let that go so it doesn't become like a blockage. Yeah. I'm just trying to teach her to like, just don't worry about like the money.

as much as your freedom and your happiness because money comes... It's energy. It's energy. My husband had to teach me that too. Yeah, he's the one who taught you that. I love it or not. You both probably teach each other things. We do. You feed off each other. He squanders. Yeah. And I'm like... He calls me a cheapskate. I'm not a cheapskate because I will... She definitely kind of is too. I will spend money but it has to have a purpose and a reason. You're me too. You're me. But yeah, no, he is always...

She's jelly roll. Yeah. I love that though. We need that though. It's a healthy balance. It really is a healthy balance. And I always just do it. It's a fine. Yeah. I just want to stop. You want to just stop it. But the thing is, is like to get to that place though with this type of energy, I can't just say it and act like I've been born with a silver spoon because I haven't. I've done the work. I've done the healing. I've done, you know, we've done what it takes to be to the point where I'm healthy enough to now say, I know I'm worthy. Yeah.

Yeah. Of all of the blessings. Yeah. And everybody is. Every single person. I had to explain to fucking TikTok the other day why I fucking hired a chef for my family. Of course you have to. The first time I could ever hire a chef for my family. You should. And I had to fucking explain that to people. And I was like, I don't know if you guys know. Well, I feel like as...

I don't like using the word influencers. I feel like people that are on the internet like us that share our lives with people, we do owe certain explanations. And I don't mind giving it to people. If I have time, I'll tell people. I address what I want to and I don't address what I don't want to. I understand that. But I also feel like... I saw you gave somebody a job. That's amazing too. But using the word influencer, I feel like it's used very lightly. It's used very broadly. Right. And I feel like not a lot of people deserve that.

That title. The title of influencer because what are you influencing? Right. Are you actually making a difference, a change? Are you like giving people something to like grow on or are you just spewing money out and something that's not even attainable? Like James Paul. Nobody is attainable. It's not attainable for other people. It's so false. I just feel like I will take the term influencer because I give it a good name. Yeah. I love that. I've never looked at it that way. So yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. All right. So let's get to the fun part. Everybody wants.

wants to know let's talk about i always tell it wrong how okay well now we're gonna we're gonna fucking say i'm a way better storyteller she's a better storyteller and i always tell it wrong because i'm so i am very adamant that she's the one who damn she also has adhd and she bounces around and she can't stay on topic so i'm like baby just fine all right how did you guys okay so you looked you saw her you said i'm gonna marry her i did

And I followed her. She followed me back. And I was in a live one. I was on live one day just singing to my followers. Like we were all vibing. She pops in and she's like, you're so hot. And I was seeing somebody at the time. So I couldn't really say anything because they were in the live. So I was just like, what?

Was it another female? It was a toxic ass. I did not know this, by the way. I'm not that person. She didn't. And I am not. I will never hit on. I would never do that. I actually found it innocent. It was innocent. She didn't know. Yeah, I had no idea. She was quiet about that. So I did. I just smirked at it. Yeah. You know, and your intention was good. Yeah. She wasn't trying to overstep my standards. Yeah, definitely did not know. So, yeah. Okay.

Let me make that clear. She just wants to clarify. So anyway, she's not out here snatching, snatching bitches from people. I would never. So yeah. Anyway, I was like, you know, smirking at her or whatever. And so eventually me and this girl stopped talking and I was like, okay, well now I'm going to shoot my shot.

And I did. She would duet me. I duetted her a couple times. We would flirt in those comment sections. Our fans would tag us in each other's shit. They're like, you guys would be perfect together. They were egging it on. They're like, Rhea, just give her your number. Amber, just give her yours. Somebody give somebody's number. I think I remember when this was going on. Yeah. So I made like this thirst trap. And because she had done a thirst trap of her back. And so I made one of my back. And I was like, this is for the femmes. And so I tagged her in it on Instagram. And I was like, maybe this will catch your attention. And she's like, about time.

we gave each other our numbers yeah and then we finally talked but then she we were talking for like a day but i was answering her every like six hours and she wasn't into that why why were you she wasn't very ready she wasn't ready i wasn't ready and she didn't know who to like trust at the time either because all these girls were throwing themselves at her people were in my dms like

Trying to convince me. But that was the difference between me and them. Like they were like sending nudes, like playing with themselves, like dirty ass shit. You would never believe the shit that I saw. Listen, I'm pretty horny, but I don't even do that. No, they were sending her like letters, like telling her they could cook. She had boxes of fan letters. They were trying to convince me of what they would do for me. Did you date anybody from the DMs? No, I had a crazy ex right before I blew up.

She hacked my shit. Deleted everything. This was right when I blew up. Deleted. I had to restart. And then I got all my followers. It came right back. She deleted. She got so jealous. Yeah. But yeah. That was... So you were gun shy. So she was shy. So we started talking for like a day. And she would text me back like every six hours. And I was like, yo...

I don't have time for this. I'm a grown woman. I have three children. Like I'm not in this to play games. So like when you have. Love that you put that boundary up. Yeah. I was like. So if you ever like have time or like you want to see if this could go somewhere. Awesome. I'll be here. I thought that was so hot. Yeah.

I did. I'm like this bitch. I'm like, she, she said this to me. I'm like, no one's ever said that to me. I was like, she knows what she wants. It made it hot. I'm like, she's like, she's like good without me. Clearly. I'm like, she doesn't need me, which made me attracted to that. Right. So I'm like, she's not here to use me. Clearly. She just wants my attention. She wants to get to know me. Yeah. I wanted to get to know her. So I was like, I let, I let her, we left it off that way.

Did you text her back when she said that? No. She was like, I appreciate that. She's like, yeah. I was kind about it. I was like, and I actually thought she did it so...

and not rude and not made me, she didn't make me feel like an asshole. Like she was so kind about it. She understood. She's like, I get it. You're on social media and you're popular. Like I understand. So it really like, she had a soft spot in my heart for that. So like two weeks later, I saw this video of like Megan Fox and MGK and she had a thing for Megan Fox at the time. Megan Fox was my crush at the time. So I sent her this. I was like, yo, have you seen this? She looks so hot in this video. And then she's like, you should come see me in Connecticut. Yeah.

I don't know why. I was like, you know what? The fact that she's still texting me just to share a song with me. I'm like, she's still thinking about me. And I also like was thinking about her too. And I love that she did that. Yeah. So I was like, you know what? Just calm down. She's like, well, I can't because I will pay for your damn. But I also said, she also said, just so you know, like, I'm not going to just come fuck you. You're not going to be paid. You're not going to pay me to come to Connecticut just to fuck you. Like, I'm not that kind of girl. Yeah. You're my spirit.

She's like, I'm coming. Yeah. I'm coming. She set that boundary too. She's spicy. I know. I was like, I'm like, the fact that you even thought that was a thought. Of course I thought that because why wouldn't I? Maria's like, I was thinking that but I'm not going to tell you. Exactly.

Exactly. She said that too. She's like, well, clearly I was thinking about it. All right. So did you go? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Three weeks later. But in the meantime, we were texting back a lot. And you weren't texting back every six hours? No. No. I started to text more. And actually I let her in. The thing how I let her in was.

One of the nights after she texted me the song, I think it was the next day or something, we're talking all night and we had to go to bed. It was so late. No, there's three days later. Three days? But we also were talking about like our childhood trauma. Like we were definitely opening up to each other, like telling each other about our lives. And we really connected at that.

point we're like let her in okay we're both real fucking people like we both have real shit that we've been through we're not just like these pretty faces i love that you guys could trust each other right away yeah but i made her open up no the funny thing is i had this intuition i i

I don't I know what the hell it was I gave you a safe something right told me to tell talk to her let her in stop stop stopping her from like getting to know you so in that safe space she shut down like after she started talking about her trauma she shut down and she's she put this wall up and I was like okay well maybe we can talk about this like tomorrow so we hung up the phone at like 3 a.m I wake up and then at the moment I wake up I get a text from her she's like are you awake

I pick up my phone and I was like, yeah, I'm awake. And she's like...

we literally at that moment fell in love with each other at that moment because i'm like i'm for some reason i missed her and i'm like i hope she's awake because i don't know i was lonely and in my head my head was dark and you hadn't even met her yet no i was so alone in my i was so like in my head and in this dark place you know when you're not healed your yeah your head is loud and i was like i hope she's awake right now because i need her i text her and she just was like yeah i'm right here i'm like oh my fucking god i was like i miss you i just want to hug you and then i was like i was like i was ready to

to cry right there like perfect it's like three in the morning and you don't think someone's gonna pick up so natural like it felt like we had loved each other for decades i get it decades like we've been in every lifetime together and that's how i recognized her on tiktok i was like my soul recognized her how the hell would i have been like i'm gonna marry that girl like i just knew she was mine forever and she always had been jay every time everybody's like what was it about him i was

I was like, my soul recognized his. It's true. It was like I knew him forever. It was like my soul was like, there you are. Didn't skip a beat. It took me forever, but I found you. But it's all about timing too. You make these soul contracts wherever it is. You come to this...

And you're like, we're going to meet at this time because this is when we need each other, when we're supposed to be. I believe that we've lived lifetimes together before. Have you guys ever done a past life? We haven't, but we'd love to. We've done meditations together where I've seen past lives of mine because I can get pretty deep. She's really good at it. I'm close to source when I'm meditating. And I've seen past lives where we've literally, she's killed herself in past lives before. And it's to the point where I keep coming back

to get her through it and I feel like this is the one lifetime where we finally broke that mold and she's like she's getting it she's healing I love that like that's how it feels I can't explain it it sounds a little bit it sounds crazy to other people I get it but I've had every psychic that I've ever talked to has told me that I'm here to absorb all

all of jay's pain i'm like i've done the same thing such a great fucking life it's wonderful yeah i went through like a severe depression oh same i learned how to deal with same are you kidding like our first two years like we almost broke up like because and i'm sure you understand that part like we she moved to connecticut for so let's let okay hold on yeah let's rewind really quickly yeah

you went to go see her yeah first night so how'd that go it was amazing i was nervous as fuck did you guys talk nervous oh yeah the moment i got off the plane i showered i got out but she made me the only reason we fucked was because before she came she's like she really was like what am i to you like what like she wanted to know like what's our title and i'm like i'm not fucking you without a title yeah she's like she demanded that too and i was like fine you could be my girlfriend

girlfriend and then we were actually together in a relationship so that's why like she did come and that's why we fucked otherwise it wouldn't have been a fuck unless there was some yeah I wouldn't have let it like yeah she wouldn't have let me in without I knew my worth at that point I had been through it for 13 years like I wasn't playing games so she's like I was afraid I literally thought this girl would not look like

I was afraid you would like have like something missing. Like I don't know. Like it was all like a missing couple teeth. I don't know that she's hiding. I don't know. I was nervous because girls don't look like they do online a lot of the time because some of them don't. Yeah. Yeah. Because the filters, you know, I don't know. Yeah. You know, I was nervous. I was like, fuck.

I was like, believe me, I look better in person. But I also was like, I hope we connect like we do via phone. I hope we connect in person. She was nervous about the energy. Because I'm like, that makes me nervous. And sexually, like, I have a lot of sexual trauma that I'm getting through. So I'm like, I hope I connect with her sexually too. Because, you know, you don't. Not everybody has that energy. We don't connect with everybody. You know what I mean? So when I got off the plane, she was so quiet. And I thought she was going to be like this, like, boisterous, like, you know, cocky ass bitch. And she was so quiet.

- Quiet and shy. - She's probably nervous. - So nervous. I could feel her energy, her heartbeat. - I'm a big teddy bear. People make assumptions about me. I'm a big teddy bear.

And here I am just loud and rambunctious. But you guys are perfect for each other because I'm the quiet one and Jay's very obnoxious. Yeah. Wow. And loud and rambunctious. Yeah, I love that. It's the yin and yang and we definitely fit each other perfectly, but it's taken us a long time. Yeah. So let's talk about that. So you guys hit it off the first night and then guide me from there. So I was only supposed to stay for like three days and I changed my trip to be like seven. Yeah, because I wish we were like... We were having such a good time together. Yeah, and I was like, it's too short. Yeah. So we did that.

In the middle of me being there, she legitimately, she felt like this pull from the universe and she quit her job that she was in in the moment. She quit her job. She's like, I know my worth. Like, I'm just going to, I'm going to throw it all into social media and I'm just going to take a risk and this is going to be what I'm going to do. And I just was like, fuck yeah, babe, we got this. We can do this together. I wasn't scared, which was funny. I just knew that like I should, that was what I was supposed to do. Like my confidence in that, like I was not afraid. I was like just excited. Yeah. The excited feeling of something new.

So then at the time, like you might think that you were excited for us and some people were, but a lot of people behind the scenes were trying to rip us apart. Oh, with my saying that I like, you know, fucked with their sister or like them or like I was cheating on her. And I'm like, just ask for proof. I mean, if there's proof,

It was... I didn't care. It was creepy to the point where people were, like, sending us letters, like... I know where you live. Putting our address online, like... Ew. Threatening us. Was it... Was it fucking the shitbag website that fucking hounds us? I don't know. It wasn't that one. We haven't had that... We don't go on that. We don't even...

care i don't even give a shit but there was people like within the inner circles that were literally like trying to convince her like get in her head and like get psychics involved like fake psychics involved to tell her that i wasn't the one for her and like brainwashed me and she was using me like yeah i almost fell for some of it too and i'm like yo so on top of the shit we were going through our traumas then we're trying to fight for our relationship from other people trying to break us up in the background all on social media at the same time yeah

So it was traumatic. That's a lot of fucking pressure. So much pressure. You guys handled it really well, though. We did. We tried to keep it off of social media. Right. We're not...

We don't want to. We don't want drama. That's not our position. That's what I love about you guys. You guys, that's how I am too. I don't do the drama. I don't. No. This is time for it. No, we don't. What good is it going to bring you? It doesn't. It doesn't bring anything good. And it's not going to. There's no longevity in drama. You're not going to get me to talk about it. But that's what makes me feel gross when I see people just engaging in nonstop drama. I just get like, I get like the ick. I feel like, you know, a lot of people's platforms are based off of that and they're not going to

last very long because they don't have substance thank you to continue yeah build without that yeah because how much drama can you create like and it's not healthy negative energy but a lot of people know because people love drama that's the crazy people love it but I don't mind I don't like to each their own but I'm gonna just

We're going to stay away from it. I'll be there with you guys. Yeah, no, we're not interested. Yeah, let's stay over here. Yeah. Like, you will not catch us around it at all. So we got through all of it, though. Yeah, we did. We got through it. We, like, then started to focus on our healing. And Rhea had a really hard time with that because... Yeah, let's talk about the healing part of this. She, um...

No one ever made her face her trauma. No, no one told me. Everyone told me I was just crazy. A psycho. I had issues, but like I was in toxic relationships where like one toxic person fed another toxic person. I never picked healthy. Those were all your karmics though. They were her karmics and she had to go through them to get to me. Absolutely. So it's like toxic with toxic.

And I will never sit here and say I wasn't. I will always take accountability. No one's perfect. Even before I healed, I was like, I knew I had issues too that I had to work on 100%. I take full accountability for my actions in my last relationships. But you didn't realize what your trauma was doing to you. You thought that was just your personality. You couldn't identify what was happening. That's the thing. My dad was an angry man. My dad was always angry.

He was abusive to my mom. All I saw... I didn't know any other love languages. Her first emotion was always anger. Both of you guys came from extreme violence. Very. Horrible. Bad. Yeah. And I would be the one to protect... I was always the protector in my family. I was the one... Stick, because I had a brother and a sister, and they would cry. And I'd be the one, like, to shield them and help my mom. You know? My dad would drag my mom out of the house by her hair. Into... My mom would sleep in the car, and I remember I would...

you know climb the back deck and try to sleep in the car with her because i would feel bad for her i was the one who always tried to protect everybody and i never had that that feeling protected ever by anybody so that's what i gave to her i i'm i'm like okay i see your darkness but like you don't get to identify as that any longer yeah because don't let it consume you you can't and and like i'm gonna be empathetic with you while we heal through it but once we've identified it

then you cannot keep going back yeah and if you go back then i'm not i can't stick around because then you're hurting me yeah so she's like she's hurting her by hurting herself exactly and she loved me enough to be like fuck like okay like i'm not gonna lose the one person that me makes me feel safe and actually loves me unconditionally even with the

the trauma I have. She loves me as well. And that's what I have to say. Watch me heal. She'd be like, I have to take accountability and do it. She'd be like, you know, that makes me feel unsafe that you can't just love me for me. Why can't I just be enough? And I'd be like, you are enough. I never felt enough in my life. You're not your trauma. Right. So you don't have to, your personality isn't what people have told you that you are. You get to decide yourself.

who you want to be. You don't have to be angry. You don't... Do you guys go talk to anybody about this or you guys just doing it? We did it all on our own. We did it as communication together. Yeah. And that's all it takes is just to listen and talk together and take accountability and validate each other's feelings through it. We got through the rough part of it. Yeah, we did. We got through. We got past it all because the hardest part was we had so many outside influences still affecting us. We lived in her parents' house for two and a half years.

And there was a lot of, you know, trauma associated with the negative energy. How did that, I was just about to say, how did that go over? Horrible, horrible energy. It was always, um, every day. So they finally accepted you. Oh, they loved her. They had, they had to because like there was, we were also on social media and I feel like that was part of it. Up until social media, my parents were very much like, at least my mom, my dad minded his business a lot.

But my mom... Now. Yeah. Now dad wanted to mind his business. My dad always minded his business. Oh, did he? Yeah. He didn't... Her mom was what worked him out. He didn't want to fight with my mom. Okay. Gotcha. She really avoided trying to ever fight with my mom. So it was like he would protect her. They'd protect each other, which was annoying. Traumatically, though. It's like when someone's wrong, you're wrong. Can we just like acknowledge that? Right. But yeah, that was still going on up until now.

Until we moved out. Yeah. You guys just recently moved out, right? Yeah, finally. And now I had to finally cut my parents off for good. They actually, like I was trying to say, they were trying to... They finally came around. My mom would say the most horrible things to me. Like, you know, like, I don't know why I had you. Like, you have a disability because I was gay. Things like that. Like, she would say very much hurtful things. And then...

I'm trying to get to the damn point. Oh, social media. Sorry. See, ADHD. Yeah. My social media and I had a, what do you call that? A meet up, a meet and greet. We want to meet and greet ahead in Canada because everybody was,

begging me for it on social media so I was like I'll do one in Connecticut and my parents came to that and they saw how much people loved me for me and they were just like mind blown you know what I mean they're like and my mom was like I can't believe your whole life I did not love you for you like I couldn't just accept you but then these strangers so easily love you for you and don't judge you she's like why couldn't I do that I also feel like though so she did like having that fame

made them look good. Yeah. As well. They gave them something to be proud of. And I think like an Algarian culture is very important to them to have something to be proud of. If I didn't have that, I feel like they would still be in a homophobic mindset.

To be honest. Because honestly... How does that make you feel knowing that? It makes me feel shitty right now because right now I don't have a relationship with my parents. I actually have to cut them off for good. And that's okay. I said that too. Yeah, don't ever think it's for good. Maybe... You never know. Somebody... Something could touch their heart to where they could be like, you know what, Rhea? I'm sorry and apologize. And like, you know, just never close that door fully because...

I just tell everybody this too, because I just went through this with my own mother and, you know, she was not there in my life and, you know, just crazy fucking story. But in the end, before she, my mom passed away November 3rd this month, um, you know, you are trauma bonded to your parents, whether you like it or not. And when that day comes that you get the same phone call that I got, it's,

the worst mind fuck that you're ever going to go through because these people have hurt you so badly and they have scarred you so deeply. But knowing that they're not there in physical form anymore is like the most hurtful thing. And then when you like, I cut my mom off three months. I wouldn't talk to her before she passed away. She was out here in Tennessee.

And fucking I wish I would have never done that because it just you need to do that for your boundaries because of what you've gone through and our situations are different. But I'm just saying somewhere along down the road, forgiveness is for you. It's not for them. That's what I always say. And like it's you can definitely forgive somebody but love at a distance. Absolutely. And there's reasons that we have to cut them off.

completely because when you tell someone that they're dead to you which is what they've done and my mom did the same thing to me then that is wonderful you cut your mom off too she said the same thing to me that I was dead to her they say things that like it's hard to come to just like even forgive it yeah and I'll forgive it I'll forgive it because it feels good to me to forgive

but when I moved to Connecticut I split custody with my ex so I fly back and forth every three weeks to my kids for a week I get a hotel I rent a car I'm doing what it takes to be a traveling mother and I bring them back to Connecticut in the summertime when I did that my mom said I was abandoning my children

And I told her, I'm abandoning my kids, but you put me into foster care. She's one to talk, right? But I'm literally just splitting custody. Okay. So I was speaking openly about this on social media and she sends me a message and says, just because you feel like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth does not mean you're better than your family and you're dead to me. Hmm.

So I was like, okay, cool. Well, because you're triggering her wounds now. Yes, 100%. And like I'm very okay with cutting my mother off. And I know it's different for you. Yeah, it's different for everybody. But like I can see it as like from the spiritual view that this was just a very big lesson for me on how to love myself and I don't need outside validation. Absolutely. And that I know how to set very firm boundaries now. Yeah. And choose myself. Yeah, absolutely. I've been in situations where I've forgiven. I have a...

I've even apologized. I've taken their sorries too. And it's just a repeated cycle of being let down over and over. And I don't know how to keep it a distance. You know what I mean? Because it's like, how much can you take? You know what I mean? It's like you say sorry, but you don't mean it. You just want to say sorry just to keep me in your life just so I don't really cut you off. Yeah.

It's like when do you take accountability and learn? The last straw was we moved out of the house and I mean everything that they have is in her name. Like everything. I've helped them. Their cars, their furniture, like their cell phone bill. Everything Rhea did for them. And when we moved out, you know, it was just like, oh, I was just too nice to you guys, you know. And she's like, I did everything.

So there's a point where it's like you have to choose yourself. And the reason it's like, it's like being repeated because my sister finally got divorced and she's living her true authentic life. And like, they were not, I saw them really not be there for her. And they were like, more worried about stupid shit than being there for her. Cause she was in an abusive, narcissistic, like,

horrible situation yeah and she was young when she got married because when i was forced to get married she had nobody she felt like i needed because it was prison i told you she was like i'm gonna go too my sister's gone my best friend's gone like what am i gonna stay here and she ended up marrying like a narcissist narcissist albanian too and and she was in a horrible situation for 15 years and she finally got out of that and you aren't like i saw them not be like

supportive of her. I just watched it. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. My sister lives with me now because she cut them off too because they were not supportive of her authentic life. Yeah. I feel what you guys are doing. I think Amber hit the nail on the head. You know, when I was saying you forgive them for you, not for them. Yeah. You can still forgive them and have your

100%. They don't have to. And that's where I'm struggling is I put up that firm boundary with my mom and then she died. Yeah, I get it. So it's like... I didn't think healing that. You didn't get closure. You still have that. You feel like you didn't get closure maybe? I don't know if it's like I feel like I didn't get closure. I just... You feel guilty. You feel like you did the wrong thing. Yeah, you feel guilty. And it's like... But then she has shown me so many signs. Like, I mean...

I pulled up an email from fucking 2018. Like how I even found this email was crazy. Pulling her shit out of fucking pond for her. Like she's definitely sending. Yeah. Yeah. Literally. Yeah. Like she's just showing me like, Hey, you did so much for me. Like I understand why you just, she's giving you the last three. I love that you've taken it like that.

that yeah for sure I mean you have to it's the only way that you can really like cope with certain things I agree 100% since we've actually left that house though like our energy it's been if we can breathe there's no weight on our shoulders that was the house that was my trauma that was where she was all my used her whole life you know and I feel like that was part of our trauma while we were there together like she had this bond she was afraid to leave the house in the moment we left her dad was like

you're never going to be able to afford this. Like, why wouldn't you buy a house? Well, all those things are lies, but those are what he's been saying to her for so many years to get her to stay there. Instead of being happy for her. Instead of being happy for me, I get the opposite. It's like, I don't understand. Like, you know, it's just so toxic. Now we're trying to reprogram her now that we're out of the home. And that's going to take time. You know, it's not going to happen overnight.

And you guys are on this amazing journey together. There's not a lot of people can heal together. And that's the real fucking sauce of a relationship. It's like not it doesn't matter how good of sex you have. It doesn't matter how good you guys look on the outside. No, it matters how you guys get through shit. And if you can help each other heal from childhood fucking shit that we that you guys have all been through, holding each other accountable, making each other the best version of each other. Like, that's what I want. Hold me accountable. I love it. Yeah.

I love that for you guys. So now that you're out of the house, what happens now? We have big things. We can't say it, but we have some really big things happening. I know. Secret. We've been just grateful. I mean, I've been just working with awesome brand deals and awesome opportunities like that that

And I'm looking forward to the LGBTQIA nomination for the American Influencer Awards. Oh, cool. That's in LA. I didn't even know that was a thing. Yeah, that's in January. I got nominated for that, so that's coming up first. That's really cool. I don't know yet. I'm just excited. Either way, we're excited for it. It's a big deal. What does 2023 hold for you guys? You know, we...

People always say like, what's your like five year? We don't have plans. Yeah. We love to just trust the universe to be like, this is what's coming for you. Just like trust that it's coming and keep doing what you love. Keep putting your passion and your soul into everything and be authentically who you are. And like, it's just going to fall into place the way that it's meant to. Yeah. We just do that.

really and it's really because i was asked what what's your goals in five i'm like i have everything i want i already have every everything else that comes after this is literally just like just being grateful uh what do you call that a cherry on yeah baby sometimes yeah i love that really like i i have the love of my life and like the my little support system around me like my kids and like

What else can you ask for? I mean, I love that. So do you guys have your kids full time and your kids every three weeks? I have my daughter full time. She goes to her dad's

Every weekend. But she'll go Sundays usually. And then I have them every three weeks and all summer. So. Yeah. They come back with us in the summer. But it's really hard being a split family. You know. My heart gets split. Never. And their dad can't travel. So I was like, I will do that for you. I actually gave him the house back so my kids could live in it. Yeah. And I'm like, I'll do the I'll do the heavy lifting because I don't care. That's what moms do. Like, I'm going to do what it fucking takes. Like if my my mom wasn't there for me, I'm going to give them

Show them what it looks like to be brave. Yeah and to do things that make you happy at the same time Absolutely, no matter what society says a mom is supposed to look like I couldn't give a fuck less because they're so hard on mom shit I get for being a traveling mom. They still say you you've abandoned your kids I can't believe you're doing the internet is very mean about it like what is 50/50 look like to you? I don't mind because I know everyone has been taught

their whole life of what things should look like. I was going to say, these are the same parents that are sitting at home in relationships that they don't want to be in with a man that they are not happy with. Showing their kids how to just stay in a terrible relationship just to make the kids happy. Yeah, no, they're not happy. The

Kids would be happier if you would just leave. And that's toxic because being in the situation I was, my parents are still together. They were arranged marriage. They're everything. And I begged. I was like, mom, please just divorce me. I would beg my mom. I would cry to my mom. I was like, why are we still here? She's like, I don't have anywhere to go.

I don't have anywhere to... She really didn't. It was three of us. I feel like that's most families though. Yeah. I feel like most families, they're doing what like, you know, society says this is what a normal family looks like. No matter how it looks like in the home, just hide it. Just show everybody on the outside that it's okay and then you'll be fine. Yeah. But like, fuck that. I don't give a shit how...

I look on the outside to anybody as long as I know what I'm doing. I know my integrity. And your babies love you. Exactly. The babies are happy. And they're like, my mom's a badass. Yeah. I love that. I'm so happy that you guys came on the podcast. Thank you. We're so happy to come. We're so happy that you invited us here. Honestly, we're so part. Everyone's like, I'm so jealous.

I love what you guys are doing. Thank you. Please keep it up. We will. Don't ever change. Like keep being who you guys are because the world needs more of you guys. Thank you. Likewise. They need. I'm mad at daddy right now. You're mad at him too? He pissed me off last night. Oh shit. But we'll talk about that later. Shit. But no, I love what you guys are doing. Thank you. Why don't you tell people where they can find you? Shout out your socials. Oh,

Only fans? We don't have it. I keep making jokes about it, but she won't let me. Hold on a second. I'm just going to throw this out there. I'll teach you guys everything about OnlyFans. It made me a millionaire. I told you. Do you know what we could be doing? We don't judge, honestly. That's what people do. Whatever. If you guys just wanted to jump in and get a quick bag, just let me know. I'll help you guys out. Whenever you guys are ready. You know what? When...

I'm going to use that as like a safety net. Yeah. If you guys ever need it, just let me know. Yeah. If you guys ever need it, I'll be there for you. We'll keep that in mind. All right. Tell people where they can find you guys on Instagram, TikTok for the moment. They're both the same. What's yours? You could tell me. Amber Eileen. Underscore Amber Eileen. Yeah. And mine's Ria underscore D3MRI. They're both the same. Instagram and TikTok. Yeah.

Yes. I love it. Let's talk about the wedding real quick. We didn't even talk about the wedding. You guys have this fucking beautiful, your fucking wedding dress. I loved it. Thank you. So pretty. Shout out to Serti. She's in Canada. She reached out to me and she's like, let me design your dress for free as long as you shout me out. So she went through the steps with me. She designed it from Canada. Wow. And sent it to me. And it fit like a glove.

Wow. I'm like, holy shit. That's hard to do. No, she did it. Because I just went through that for the CMAs and it was. Your dress was beautiful, by the way. Thank you. It was very itchy. It was gorgeous. I know the feeling. I love you, Jonathan. I love you, Jonathan. It was an amazing piece. It really was beautiful. It was itchy as fuck, dude. Um.

um the wedding though like so the wedding was like i swear it opened a portal yeah so many people like my sister got divorced after my wedding they either got divorced around that time or they got um married or they're getting married now because of it and i feel like babies kelsey's having a baby there you go i feel like our love just was we felt it i mean if you were there you would have felt it too the energy i saw it on live it felt like i was there really i love that i really wanted people to feel that way because i wish everybody could have been there but

it felt like you know the love that we had in that the crowds who we only invited people who we thought were going to truly you know support us continuously we don't have family really so none of you guys' family was at the wedding I had a little bit of my cousins my parents were not there my parents were overseas but they came the day after the wedding but they didn't really bother changing their ticket to come and my mom felt guilty but

It could have been changed. But it was okay. But the love that like radiated off of people, it was intoxicating. No, it looked like a blast. It really was. We should do it again and then wait. Everybody. I want to be a flower girl. Okay. Jay wants to be a ring boy. Can you imagine? I would have, if dead ass, if we could do it again, I would do that. All over again. You too. I'm holding you guys to it. If there's ever another wedding, I want to be the flower girl. Okay. Okay.

Thank you guys so much for being here. I really appreciate you guys. Thank you. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of dumb blonde. I will see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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