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All right, gentlemen, coming to main stage next. This is Bunny. Get up there. She's got a tornado of titties coming your way. Get those dollar bills ready. She's got an ass that shakes like Michael J. Fox. So get up there and throw, throw, throw them dollars. Dude, that is fucking iconic. What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, I have one of the more controversial TikTok stars sitting on my couch, and I am so excited.
to go down the rabbit hole with her. Hawk is in the house, baby. What's up? Hey. How are you doing? Thriving. How are you? Baby, I am living. Blessed and living. I'm so happy you're here. Thank you for having me. Dude, we were talking a little bit about this before the podcast. I am so happy to have you here because I feel like there is so much bullshit on the internet and I am just here because I want people to fall in love with you.
You know, and that's one of the main... And, you know, you also have a huge advocate in your corner, Joanna Angel, and she just loves the shit out of you, too. I love her so much. I'm excited to tell a little bit of my story. I've really just stayed quiet the past few months, and I've just, like, let the universe handle everything. Yeah. But then when Joanna told me about you, I was like...
let's do it. Yeah. Like, let's fucking, let's go for it. I'm willing to talk. I love it. We'll deep dive into some things, but let's start out like, where did you grow up? Let's paint a picture for people so that they know where you came from. And also you do go by pronouns, right? So they, them, so I'm going to try my hardest to, if I do something wrong, just correct me, but I'm willing to learn, you know, so I don't ever want to, um, you know,
insult somebody indirectly by not using the right pronouns. So just let me know. I appreciate that. Yeah, for sure. So where did you grow up? I grew up in a small town in Ohio. Oh, okay. So like literally middle of nowhere. Gotcha. So I moved around a lot. Like we were like poor, poor, like going without water for months at a time, living in a snow belt, poor. Yeah.
And was it, were your parents together? Sometimes. Was it a single mom? Yeah. My mom, I have an older brother and a younger sister. And it was like pretty much just us with my mom growing up. We moved around like once a year. So... Was there addiction in the house or was it, yeah? You know...
My mom was my hero growing up. Like, she was a fucking kick-ass mom. But addiction runs in my family. And, like, one year, I think I was, like, 14, maybe 15, she kind of just snapped and started drinking. So after that...
Me and my mom, she's a Capricorn. I'm a Cancer. Like, we go head to head. Yeah. Technically, you guys are soulmate signs. Yeah. Well, we put each other in each other's places. So I did a lot of living with my grandparents for a lot of my life after things started to go bad, like when my mom started drinking. Was there something that happened that triggered her drinking or that you know of or you just...
I think once, honestly, I feel like it was, um, like once she realized all of our kids could do things for themselves, she was like, okay, like a switch just flipped. Right. So that was really hard. And you said you weren't close with your dad. He was in and out. Yeah, he was in and out. He, um,
He runs sound for like this, like one hit wonder nineties band. So who is it? Am I allowed to do, are we allowed to say who it is? Yeah. So it was for a band called. Okay. Do you know? I, for some reason it sounds familiar, but I'm not sure. So, um, my dad was just kind of in and out. He was basically like a fun uncle, right? No, he would show up, take you out and then drop you back off. Right. But my mom, after I got a lot older, um,
And like I lived, you know, my life. I realized that like my mom had such a hard life. So and we have a tendency to like dads can fuck up really all they want. Right. We hold moms to this crazy standard. And I think that's another reason that like she had snapped the way that she did. The pressure. Yeah. A lot of people. That's actually pretty, you know, awesome that you realize that because a lot of parents project their childhood trauma onto themselves.
their children. Yeah. And I feel like our generation of parents just didn't know how to heal, you know? So instead of healing, they just kept that generational trauma going and going and going. Yeah. I think we're the generational trauma breakers. No, I wholeheartedly agree with that. Yeah. Like a hundred percent. My mom, um, what's crazy is now, uh,
She got diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. So she stopped drinking and we finally started getting along. And my my brother has some really bad anxiety. So I had to be in charge of like everything when she had gotten sick. And now we're like best friends. I love that. It's like I go over there like once a week. We have dinner. How's she doing health wise?
She's okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's finding out how she was sick was the craziest thing. She was having these insane headaches and like I get treated for migraines and I've had to been, I like, I've had to be put in the hospital for my migraines because they just get bad. Yeah. Yeah.
But she had a migraine for probably like two months. And I was like, they're not supposed to last more than like four days. Yeah. Like get your ass in the car. We're going to the hospital. But the way that we grew up, if you're not like showing bones or just like bleeding or dying, like you don't go to the hospital. Right. So I put my mom in my car and I,
We get to the hospital. They take her for a brain scan. They were like, hey, you're not leaving. You have a brain bleed and you also have like two tumors. Oh my gosh. They shipped her to this other hospital that I wasn't allowed to be at because COVID was still pretty bad. And then they were like, hey, so you actually have like five tumors. And they put her in for emergency surgery and she got like from here to here cut. It was a...
A bilateral craniotomy. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then it turns out there was actually 14. There were just like microscopic. And we found out it was cancerous. And then she only had one tumor in her lung. The rest just went straight to her brain. Wow. So that's how we found out. Wow. It was so fast. It happened within like days. Oh, that is so hurtful, too. That's a lot to process at one time.
Yeah. So let's rewind it back. You said that you're at 14. You had to start go living with your grandparents. Yeah. How does that make young Hawk feel? Happy. My granny is my whole heart. Like I have the best or I had the best relationship with her. Shout out for good grandmas, right? Honestly. Yeah. And people that were raised by their grandparents are just like a totally different breed of people. Yeah.
But my mom and I didn't get along very well because like I was when I was like 13 years old, my aunt was giving me like Percocet for babysitting for her, which sparked a problem. And with me and my mom, it was like the alcoholic calling the junkie, you know, an addict. You wouldn't. How old were you when you took your first pill?
12 or 13. Wow. You, that was a huge part you left out. Yeah. Yeah. So 12 years old, you take, who gives you your first pergastat? Your aunt? Yeah. My aunt, we called her, um, aunt Minnie and she had two kids and she would let me babysit for her. And I thought she was so cool. Like she let me smoke cigarettes in her house. And like, I was like, she's so fucking cool. And
And she was giving me like Percocet and Vicodin for babysitting for her. Wow. Which snowballed into obviously later on in life of full blown heroin addiction. Yeah, we'll get to that for sure. So you're 12 years old taking Percocets. Mom starts drinking at 14. Yeah.
You have a full-blown addiction by the time you're 14, right? Yeah. Just pretty much. And when we say addiction, can you paint that picture? How many were you taking a day? You know what? Because that's really young to be... Yeah. When I was in high school...
It wasn't as bad. I was just taking things whenever I got them. So, like, maybe on the weekends or maybe, like, on a school night. Still young to be popping perks. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I had no idea what withdrawals were until I was probably about 17. Wow. And then I was, like, doing morphine during my high school career. My...
My brother had this friend who had cancer and he had leukemia and he was in like a wheelchair and not many people wanted to be like friends with him. And him and my brother had this strange dynamic where you could tell that our friend, like he just wanted to make friends. He felt like an outcast because he missed so much school. And my brother, you know,
used me it's like it's funny for me to laugh at it but he was like i need you to take a walk with this kid and like he's gonna hug you and put stuff in your pocket and i was like yeah all right whatever right and i feel like being in the middle of nowhere you know things like that were so normalized oh yeah for sure drugs really were just like normalized and it's scary
especially like Ohio too, because you know, the cold winters, like there's nothing to do for you guys out there for the kids. I started using drugs when I was 16. Yeah. Yeah. 16 is when I, the first time I started using drugs, but you know, like, and it's just a different way of life on that side of the world. You know, trash has been on the podcast and she's from Ohio and she started using
She's from Ohio? Yeah, she is. Oh, my God. I think she still lives there right now, right outside of Columbus or in Columbus. Yeah. Yeah. And she started using at a very young age, too, because she said that's really all that you guys have to do out there is to just do drugs. Yeah. So walk me through Hawk in high school. You went to your grandparents' house. Are you living at your grandparents' house full time and just kind of bouncing around? So I would go up to my mom's house on the weekends. Did your mom know about your addiction?
Sort of. Okay. She sort of knew about it. She had like a feeling. And my brother and my mom were very close with each other. So he had no problem telling things, you know, to my mom. But I was like, don't be a rat. Don't be a fucking snake. Like, don't rat me out. I'm already kicked out of here. So like, let me, you know, see your little sister and things like that. It was hard going up to my mom's house for me, though, because my brother would always like throw parties and
And I remember like we didn't have electric at the house. No, we had electric. We didn't have heat. So the stove was running to keep the place warm. They pulled out all the food out of the fridge and they just put beer in it. And my sister's like four years younger than me.
So I really stopped coming around because I was like, my little sister lives in this fucking house. I can't, I cannot do this. Right. Is it because it hurt you to see her living in that situation? It did. And there was nothing that I could do about it. So my sister went and she lived with our aunt for a while. Not Aunt Minnie, right? Nope. Not Aunt Minnie. No. Like, damn it. My mom has like six brothers and sisters. Okay. Gotcha. Well, honestly, like 12.
My granny married my papa and she had seven kids and he had six kids. Wow. And then they moved in together. So we have like a big old Italian family. Yeah. Okay. You're Italian. Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah.
So, um, it was really hard. So I bounced around a lot. It's like always been inside of me. Yeah. You didn't really have stability. Yeah. And my mom would always like get evicted from a place and we, we really just bounced. This house that I'm living in right now with my daughter, we've been there for two and a half years and that's the, I like, that is the longest I've ever lived in a house and I'm 28. Yeah. Yeah.
I understand that. I didn't have stability really until Jay and I decided to settle down and actually build a home together. And that was last year. And that was after being together for five years. You know, we were finally like, yeah, we've got to start putting roots somewhere, you know? Yeah. It's crazy whenever you have traumatic childhood, such as what I've had and what he's had and you've had. It's hard for you to put in roots somewhere because you feel like you don't belong.
Okay, yeah. So your sister went to go live with the aunt, not Aunt Minnie. Not Aunt Minnie. My sweet Aunt Patty. She's an amazing angel. Good. Even though she's a Gemini. Yeah. But like, that's okay. Geminis can either be one or the other. So I feel like it's very rare to find a good one. And when you do, hold on to them. You know what? I have like...
four Gemini placements and my birth chart. I have so much shit to talk about Geminis and everybody's like, well, what about you and all your Gemini placements? And I'm like, it's a Gemini thing. Yeah. Like you wouldn't get it. Yeah. We're allowed to talk about ourselves. Yeah. I can say this. It's from experience. I love that. I'm moving in with aunt Patty and I had lived with, um,
My grandma and my mom at some point, she put me through dental school because I was failing. I'm pretty sure I had like a .5 GPA. Like I did not give a fuck. Well, you were doing drugs. Yeah. Yeah. I was high. And when I wasn't high, I was taking Adderall in school. There was this chick.
In my high school, who sold me her Adderall 30 milligram extended releases for $1 a day. Wow. She didn't even know. She didn't even know that like... The power she held. Yeah. And I was like, for $1. People nowadays would pay top dollar for those. Literally. So...
I struggled with my weight a lot in high school because of the fact that like I was doing Adderall. I was drinking four logos every weekend, like whatever I could get my hands on. Were you overweight, underweight? I was underweight. I was like 17 years old and like 70 pounds. Wow. You are very tiny. Like when you came in, I was like, she's like Joanna size. Like you guys are like fun size. I have like a very tiny build, but I think that like doing Adderall in high school was
very much so contributed to like having an eating disorder later on in life just like out of stress you know what I mean yeah so but we're here yeah and we're thriving yeah for sure baby so moving on from you know she she lived with Aunt Minnie you had your full-blown addiction take me from there what does baby hawk do then um so I went through dental school right and I met my best friend in the
And we... She really tried to help me through a lot of it. But like... Does she have a name? Her name is Haley. Haley, okay. Oh, we have a Haley. Yeah. My makeup artist is Haley. She is one of the best people to this day that I've ever met. She's actually...
engaged my assistant now. So like we're just all together and my assistant is my cousin. Right. So yeah, you got to have people you trust. Yeah. In your circle. We just hired on an assistant and it's her sister. Yeah, literally. And like Haley helps me with like my social media pages and things like that. Like, but back then,
Things were really hard. She loved me. And, like, we went through... We basically lived out of her car together once I was, like, old enough and Granny, like, you know, let me do what I wanted and hang out with friends. It was just me and her. Struggling, partying every weekend together. Where was your addiction at at this point? It was a lot of drinking back then. Yeah. And I really...
It wasn't until I was like 18 when I met my child's father that like I became heavily addicted to like downers. Right. That was like high school. It just seemed when I look back at it, it just seemed like fun. Like whatever I could get my hands on whenever it wasn't like the mentality where I was like, I'm going to get sick without this. Right. You know?
And then... And I feel like it always starts off fun. And then once it gets a hold of you, you're like, holy shit, this shit just got real. Yeah. You don't realize how bad it is until you're like literally sweating, shaking and crying. And like you can't sleep. And you're like, what the fuck did I do? Yeah. Or like you put somebody in danger or like something really bad has to happen for you to realize how bad it is. One time my mom and...
Mom, if you watch this, I'm so sorry. But you guys are in such a great place now. We are. And this is just painting a picture of where you came from so people can maybe understand, you know, some things about you. Yeah. Yeah.
A lot of where I came from also like ties into the controversy of like the things that the internet has to say about me now. Right. Because I, you know, I made jokes about like growing up in a trailer park and things like that. And people are like, oh, well, this explains like you saying these things when you were younger. And I'm like.
The point is right in your face. Yeah. Like, it's right here. You don't understand. I did not give a fuck about anything or anybody up until I probably hit age, like, 23. Yeah. And I don't justify anything. Yeah.
Like I there is you're growing up, though, and I think people on the Internet don't allow people to have mistakes because Lord knows they've never fucked up ever in their life. Yeah. You know, and I know when I was your 25 now.
I'm 28. 28 now? Okay. I'm still young. I'm 42. When I was 28, I was fucking doing eight balls of cocaine off strippers' asses, fucking robbing men for their money. Like, I was doing fucked up shit. And it wasn't an excuse for my age, but when you grow up in an environment, you can't do better if you don't know better.
You know, and if you don't have those influences showing you to do the right things or, hey, you're not allowed to say that or, you know, hey, this isn't proper form, you know. Yeah. You're going to have to figure it out on your own. And that's what I try to preach to everybody is like, it's so easy for people to point fingers, but Lord knows when fingers are pointing back at them, they can't stand it. Yeah. So fuck all them. Yeah, that's it.
That's how I feel, like, about the internet now. I'm like, I'm not asking anybody to like me. Yeah. I'm not, I've never asked anybody to stand up for me or stand up for that person that I was because I see those videos and, like, I don't even look like that. Like, I don't recognize that person at all. Yeah. And I've never even tried to be the person that was like, I didn't know any better because...
I did know better. I did not give a fuck. I was heavy on drugs for like so much of my life. I did not care about who I hurt or what I hurt. Like none of it mattered. I didn't even think I would be alive until like where I'm at now. If I could sit little Hawk down and just like explain where my life is now, the fact that I am a mother, like a fucking kick-ass mother, like
The fact that like we got sober and like I left an abusive relationship. If I could sit little Hawk down and just be like, just hold on, just get it together for a fucking minute. Yeah, it will get better. I can't let's let's keep exploring that. So you left off at you met your baby's father. And that's kind of like when you started falling in love with downers. Yeah. So I.
How old were you when you met him? 18? Yeah. I was 18. I was living on my friend's couch because my granny, you know, she had rules. It was 10 p.m. every night, you know. Heaven forbid you have rules, hon. Yeah. So I was like, you know what? I'm going on this fucking couch. I was literally like down the street from her house. So I was there all the time. Did she ever worry about you or she trusted the friend? No.
She worried about me like crazy. And in her eyes, I could do no wrong. And I did. I fucked up a whole lot. And my family had a whole lot to say about me. And she was like, don't talk about my girl. So she was like the one person on this earth that really just understood me. Even when she didn't understand me. I remember...
After I gave birth to my daughter. Okay, we'll get to that. We'll get to that. We'll talk about it. It's hard to talk about childhood and stay on track. And I didn't realize how hard it was until we had to do my life story podcast. Yeah. And then we got done. I was like, I left out so much shit because it's literally like so hard to fucking talk
yeah like who is that person right it's just like it's so weird so I get it and all my all my listeners get it too and okay somehow the stories always tie back in together it just works so don't worry about it okay so you met baby daddy I met baby daddy there I will say now there's a lot about mine and his relationship that like I can't talk about okay because I think that
When my daughter gets older, these are things that she needs to hear from me. Right. You know, before she, like, sees online. Absolutely. Because one day she's going to grow up and she's going to find all these things out about me. And I've made it a point to not talk much. Right. About her father. Right. Because it was absolutely fucking bonkers. Well, you guys were 18, so... Yeah. We were... Trying to figure it out together. It was, um...
After meeting him, it was one of the hardest times of my life. And we were like on and off. And his mom didn't like me at the time. She's my best friend now. I go to her house twice a week for dinner. Yeah. But what's that movie with like the chick from David Bowie's Labyrinth and Jared Leto?
Do you know what movie I'm talking about? I can visualize it. I can visualize it. That's what my life was like. Wow. With him. Requiem for a Dream. Yes. Requiem for a Dream. Yes. So that was a lot. That was, I mean, we were together from ages like 18 until 23. Yeah.
So you guys did, we let her talk about the addiction you guys did use together. We did use together. And how, you don't have to really talk about his, I don't know anything about this. So this is all the stuff that I'm learning. So if I, you know, like I said, if there's something you don't want to talk about, just say you don't want to talk about it. Okay. So the addiction part, were you like shooting up? Were you snorting? Like what, what was happening? You know what? For some reason, I thought I had this moral high ground issue.
when it came to shooting up yeah so i ruined my nose like i have no cartilage in my nose it literally my um my septum is like touching my nostril my nose is forever up i have to do nasal sprays allergy pills every day no surgeries will fix it when i laugh i blow bubbles sometimes with my nose super embarrassing but like i did that yeah
She's like, I earned those stripes. Yeah. So it was... Everything was just put up my nose or, like, I would smoke it. It all started out, like, doing Percocet. Right. And this is also, like, my intro to sex work because, like, back then when Vine was a thing, I had, like, a pretty big following on Vine. And we...
He had realized, like, how much money I could make if I was selling nudes. And we rolled with it. And, like, it just... It turned into a lot of things that, like, I didn't want to be doing, which added to the addiction. I was just, like, make more money, you know, just do more drugs so I don't have to feel what the fuck I'm doing. Right. It was very, very ugly for a very long time. Yeah. Um...
So you guys were pretty much, you got into sex work to kind of feed you guys' addiction and also to be able to put a roof over you guys' head. Yeah. A lot of it was up to me. It was like, it was on me to feed the family. There was like a lot of pressure. And then I had gotten pregnant. Right. Okay. I was going to say, when did you get pregnant? I got pregnant and... How old were you when you got pregnant?
I gave birth at 22, so I was like 21. 21. Yeah, when I got pregnant. I got clean as soon as... When I found out I was pregnant, I was in the hospital visiting my granny, and she literally said to me she had to get this surgery behind her ear, but she had to stay awake. And she was like, I saw my brother, and I saw my dad.
And they wanted me to go with them, but I knew there was a reason. I just don't know what the reason is. I told them no. And then I went down to the ER for UTI. And they were like, you're one week pregnant. So...
I went back. One week. Wow. One week. And then I had to wait a few weeks because they were like, we don't know if it's a miscarriage. We don't know if it's like a tubal pregnancy. You had a tubal pregnancy before? No. They said that they didn't know because it was only one weekend. I had to wait for like the ultrasound and figuring out like my hormone levels and stuff like that. Yeah. But when I went upstairs and I told my granny, she was like, I fucking...
I fucking knew that was the reason I had to be here. We love granny. I absolutely love her. So how does 21 year old Hawk feel, you know, being an addict? And you were only doing Percocets or were you doing like heroin then? I was only doing Percocets. Okay. How do you feel you find out that you're pregnant? And I was scared.
I was very scared because I was scared about making money. You know, I was scared about like, what if like getting clean? I was so scared about getting clean because I'm like, what if I lost the baby? Yeah. When you were doing sex work, were you in porn or were you? It was. It was just like. It was all Snapchat stuff. Okay, gotcha. And like things like, it was all like ran through me, you know, things like that. Yeah.
So I ended up getting clean. I was so sick. I was sick for probably like a week and I was so scared about, you know, losing the baby. But it was so early. Like I had a chance. Yeah. You know what I mean? And everything...
Everything was fine. I was still with, you know, my child's father, which was, um, it was hard. It was hard still doing, you know, taking care of everything. So you had to still do sex work while you were pregnant? Yeah. He just refused to work or? Yeah. He would, um, he would get a job for like two weeks, um, to like show his mom that he was trying. Right. But it would never last. Right. Um,
So, yeah, a lot of it was on me. I, like, I didn't have much access to my phone, um...
There was a lot that, like, I lost so much of me. Right. Why didn't you have access to your phone? Because it, like, it wasn't me running my accounts to, like, make the money. I was just there to, like, be the body. Right. I guess. Who was running it? Him? Mm-hmm. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. It was messy. It was just like a...
What's hard about this, this is, like, my first time ever really talking about him. And, like, there's so many details, like, I can't get into. But, like, it's been over five years. And, like, I'm just now unpacking it and, like, therapy. And, like, I blocked out so much of that relationship. So I, like, I really don't even have that many details because, like, my brain went into survival mode. Right. Yeah.
And I, like... Was there physical abuse of any sort? Or just emotional? Not really. Like, arguments would get very heated. Yeah. And it would get very scary. It was a lot of, like, emotional abuse. It was a lot of pressure on me. A lot of, like, threatening that I would just be, like, booted to the street. Or, like, me and my daughter wouldn't have, like, a place. It was scary. Yeah. And so...
In my head, I was like, I have to be a good mom. I have to, like, I have to feed the family. You know what I mean? Like, just do whatever the fuck you can. You wanted to try to be different than what your mom was. Yeah. Yeah. And I felt, after I left him. How old were you when you left him? I left him this September after she was born. She was born in February. So the reason that I had left him was I got this, I had gotten this message from,
from some random follower and um it was like in detail what they were going to do to me and like they involved my daughter and like they talked about like raping me and like just like the ways that they would murder me while my daughter would like cry out my name like it was the sickest thing I've ever received so I quit I called my mom
I said, mom, I am going to die. I am going to die. Like if you don't pick me up. And she did. Who was it? You never found out who it was? It was just somebody he was affiliated with or just like a crazy fan. I think it was a crazy fan. Wow. So and I like I didn't want to go to the cops because I'm like, I make, you know, yeah, I make explicit content. They're just going to tell me it's my fucking fault. Yeah, I knew better.
But I was scared for my fucking life. So I left.
And he and I have a great relationship now. We're both clean and sober. Yeah. And he takes her, you know, almost every weekend now. And he's a great fucking dad. He really is. I love to hear that. We just weren't good together. Yeah. And that's okay. It was probably very passionate. Most passionate relationships are extremely toxic. Yeah. I feel like you can't have health and growth in a relationship. Yeah. And passion. Like, it's you have to pick. It's like one or the other, you know, like it's.
yeah either get your back banged out and fucking argue all the time or fucking be straight and narrow and you know like i just yeah yeah when we first met it was like a fucking fairy tale like everything seemed too good to be true and like that's because you guys trauma bonded and love bombed each other i'm sure yeah so anxious attachment also yeah definitely
So take me on this journey of you being sober and being a mom and you're back at your mom's house. So I was at my mom's house for maybe like two weeks because we just don't get along. She's like, you're a junkie. And I'm like, you're an alcoholic. Like, what are we going to do here? So you guys are like sisters. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. So I called his mom and I was like, I need help, you know, and and my daughter, like we need help.
We need a good, healthy place to stay. I can't be here. Like, after I left him, I vowed that, like, nobody would ever raise their voice at me in front of my daughter again. Like, that is just, to this day, that is just a standard that I hold. I don't give a fuck who it is. Right. So I called his mom, and I was like, I know you've seen me and him fuck up a lot, but, like, I want to do right. So I moved in with them. I lived in their basement. My daughter had her own room, right?
We became best friends. And like, where was baby daddy at? Had his own place. I don't, I think he had his own place. I don't really remember what he was doing because the first, the first year he didn't see her as much. Um, it was too hard on him. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, that, that must be really fucking hard for you. Like how convenient. Right. Right. But so, so easy for dudes to tap out. Yeah. If a mom does. Exactly. Yeah.
So I stayed with his parents and they were just the sweetest, most... Everything I learned about like being a fucking great kick-ass mom, I really just like learned from her. I love her with all of my heart and her husband is cool, but like I like women. I respect women a lot more. We're girls, girls. Yeah. Yeah.
Um, and then I started doing TikTok like when I lived with them. It was years ago. So you already had like a pretty big following on Vine. Do you think that followed you to TikTok? I think I had like 13,000 followers on Instagram when I started TikTok. So like that's a, you know, that was a pretty decent sized following for, um,
Back then. Right. And, you know, a lot of these people had watched me go through, like, it was all very public. Like, I would be crying on, you know, social media platforms about, like, how I was scared I was going to get kicked out. Like, I never really had, like, healthy coping mechanisms. So, like, social media was also, like, always...
You weren't taught any of that. I mean, you had your grandma, but... But she didn't know shit about social media. She didn't know. Well, I'm talking about coping mechanisms and stuff like that. That's taught. How to present yourself to the world. So talk to me about getting on TikTok. So I got on TikTok. It was fun. It was like...
I think I was like one year sober, you know? So like, so your sobriety is pretty new. Yeah. I'm five years off of, um, heroin. So I, I had, you know, a hiccup after my daughter was born, um, in September, um,
which is what led to me like, you know, leaving and all of that because I was like, this is so, this, I'm not being the mom I want to fucking be. Okay, so before you left your ex or baby daddy, you had a slip up and you started doing heroin. So you went from perks to heroin? Oh, I missed out like when I started heroin. Oh my gosh. Okay. So my first time doing heroin, um,
Um, my baby daddy and I were on a break and I was like suicidal. Okay. And actually Charlie classic saved my life. Isn't he an amazing human? Just such a sweetheart. He, he and I were mutuals and I was on the podcast all the time. I've seen that with me. Like he's one of my really good friends. I love Charlie. He's, he's such a sweetheart. Yeah.
I try to bang him all the time. He won't bang me, man. I'm kidding. It's like an ongoing joke we have with each other. Like I went on his podcast one time and I think we, it was like started as a joke there. And like now it's just, we always joke around about how he won't bang me, but I've really never tried to bang him. So I love that. I absolutely love that. How did Charlie save your life?
Charlie found out I was suicidal because I had told one of our mutual friends that I was staying with and Charlie called me and was like, hey, move to Florida. Move to this house that I'm at. If you just be the cleaning lady, like you can live there for free. Was it the Sausage Castle? It was. Oh, shout out Mike Busey. Yeah. I never knew you were at the Sausage Castle. I was there for a solid three months of my life. Wow. I mean, that's a long time in Sausage Castle years. Right. Right. It was like seven years in Sausage Castle years. Yeah.
I had gone to the Sausage Castle, you know, and there was a lot of partying there, like drinking and stuff. But like Mike always had the rule, you know, like don't bring hard shit and like don't be doing that in here. Like he was very strict about that. But there was this chick that I had met, you know, there and we kind of trauma bonded. Did you move in there with your daughter? No. Okay. No, this was, I was probably like,
19, I would say. Yeah. So you met a girl there and you trauma bonded. We trauma bonded. She also used to be addicted to downers and one thing led to another. And like that was my first time trying heroin because we were trying to buy like perks for this trip that we were all going on. But they were like, all we have is like oxys or like dope. And she was like, it's fine. It's not that big of a deal. It's just like doing perks. And I was really scared, but I was like, fuck it. Yeah. Yeah.
Excuse me. So, yeah, that was my first time. What did it feel like for you, your first time? Did you love it or did you hate it? They always say that when you do meth or heroin for the first time, you're either hooked or you're completely sick. I was hooked. It was so warm. And, like, I was able to, like, shut things off. Like, just feel numb. You know what I mean? So...
That was my first time doing heroin, and then I ended up leaving the Sausage Castle because I was like, this is so bad. I've been on, like, dope for, like, two weeks, and this is my first eight hours without it, and, like, I feel like shit. Wow. I, like, that's...
that's what kills me about heroin is like you could only be on it for like a week maybe two weeks and as soon as you go without it your brain is just like i fucking need it like what's in it that gets people so addicted i don't know much about heroin i've done a lot of fucking drugs in my life heroin wasn't one of them i was always scared that i would get addicted and that's valid yeah i don't know much about it i just did it like i didn't do much research i like i
At some point in my life, somebody was like, just so you know, this is fentanyl. And I'm like, cool. Is it going to stop me from getting sick? Gotcha. You know? So, but that was back before fentanyl was like killing people. Right. Like I used to get like the medical grade fentanyl because this one of our friends that had cancer was just like giving it to us. And you were snorting it? Yeah.
I was just taking it. Yeah. Oh, it was a pill. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. They have, I don't know if they have them anymore. This was like fucking 10 years ago, but they have little fentanyl suckers. Yeah. Lord. I just got goosebumps. New fear unlocked. No. And they taste like blueberries. Oh my God. Yeah. That's even scarier if a kid ever fucking gets a hold of one. Oh yeah. Super scary. You can barely taste it. And it's, I'm pretty sure it's like,
250 like micrograms of fentanyl. Like it was the tiniest amount, but we would get them by the fucking packs. Oh my God. Super dangerous. But that was back before that was like from the hospital. That was before fentanyl was like stepped on. Yeah. And now it's just a whole fucking just terrible situation that's going on in the world. Yeah. I just heard about somebody getting laced with fentanyl in a drink at a bar.
Went to the hospital overdosing because he took a drink out of a bottle on the bar and it had fentanyl in it. Like, bro. That's so fucking scary. That's why I won't drink. I am so weird. I won't drink anything if I haven't opened it myself. Yeah. And held on to it. Like, I look like I'm on E all the time because I have a bottle with me at all times, like, of water or something like that. I'm like that with water. I'm like that with...
Gatorade. Even when it's just me and my team around, I'm like, I don't know what you bitches slipped in here. Well, yeah. I'm just kidding. No, every time I'm out at bars, I will only drink Corona and I'll keep my thumb on it. I don't trust it. What a fucking world we live in. Right? That you have to literally walk around with your fucking finger on your beer. I've been roofied before. Actually, when I was living in Florida, that Pulse nightclub, I got roofied there before COVID.
What happened? It got shot up. Me and this chick that I was with, we just wanted to go out. We couldn't get high. So we were like, fuck it. Let's do the next best thing. Let's go out drinking. And we went out to this club and we had felt safe. So we were just like...
I'm, like, feral when I drink. Right. Like, it has always been like this. Like, a fucking party girl. I make out with bitches and just have a blast. Yeah. Like, there's not much I wouldn't do, like, when I'm drunk and, like, at a bar. But we were just dancing and having a good time. And then I, like...
I remember her going and hugging people and saying goodbye. And I went and hugged people and said goodbye as well to, like, different people. And then I came back to finish my drink. That's where I fucked up. Shit. No idea who it was that roofied us. But, like, the last thing that I remember was...
Like, I was laying outside of the nightclub and I was, like, throwing up between my legs. Like, I mean, like, pussy out. I was wearing a tiny little dress. It was rolled up to here. Poor baby. I'm just, like, throwing up. I call my friend who's in Japan for some fucking reason. And I was like, Brian, I think I got roofied. I got to go home. And, like, and this chick can't drive. We're too fucked up. She was...
We weren't good for each other, but she was a fucking rider. I will say that. So my friend in Japan calls us a fucking taxi cab, right? So we get back to the house. We get back to the sausage castle. And I remember... I don't remember any of this. I remember looking at the cameras the next day, but...
I'm like throwing up a bunch. So she goes out to get our roommates to like carry me back from the taxi. Taxi pulled out.
I wasn't in the taxi, but she thought I was. So nobody was getting up fast enough. This bitch pulls a knife on all of our roommates. And she was like, if you don't get the fuck up and we go find Hawk, I was just laying by the front door. I don't know how I got there. Maybe the taxi driver, like, dropped me off. But that's where I was. He's like, I don't know where you're going to go, bitch, but you got to get the fuck up out of here. Yeah. But...
She was trying to make sure that, like, I was safe. Aw, that's awesome, though. So let's talk about... Okay, so you said you had one relapse after your daughter was born? Uh-huh. Okay, let's talk about that. I had a tooth pulled. Okay. And that was it. I mean, they give you painkillers after you get a tooth pulled. And then it was just, like, a few days of...
you know, taking painkillers. And I was like, this isn't enough. And I was still like making content, like making sexual content for money. And I was just like, I mentally, I don't want to be here. Right. So, um, I ended up like doing more perks and then like, I think I spent like two days on dope and then I had gotten that message and that was when I called my mom.
And I love that you in that moment, you you didn't realize what you were doing, but you were breaking generational trauma. You subconsciously made that decision to not be like your mom, you know, to give your daughter an addict mom. And that's really cool that you thank you. Yeah, no, that's huge that you were able to have that self-reflection in that moment. Yeah. My mom and I hadn't talked in months.
at that point. So like, that's what made it even scarier. And I didn't, I didn't want to take my daughter into a place where like, I knew me and my mom would be like screaming at each other. So I called his mom and I said, can you take my baby girl for, you know, a few days so I can just like get my fucking head on straight. Yeah.
And so we all just like, all these powerful women in my life and my granny too, they all just like band together to just help me like become a mom. And they all sat me down and they were like, this cannot fucking happen again. And I was like, you're right. Because you think about like anybody in active addiction would say like, I would never do that. But then they fucking do it because they don't realize what the fuck they're doing. You know what I mean? Right.
And I was like, I know I would never hurt my baby girl. But the thing is, like, I was not okay. I was not in a good space to be, like, the best mom that I could be. Right. And I made the right decision in, like, calling, you know, his mom and making sure that, like, she was taken care of. Right. That was great. That was amazing that you did that. Yeah. Thank you. I'm so...
My life has been very hard, but I'm so grateful for the way that those months of my life went.
Like, as ashamed as I can feel, you know, for who I used to be. Like, I look back on all these videos that people, you know, on the internet are bringing up now. And as much as I don't recognize that person and as much as I'm, like, embarrassed of that person. What videos are they bringing up? Because, like I said, I don't know any of this and I refuse to go on that other website because it's just a cesspool of fucking garbage. Oh, my God. So you got on TikTok. Yeah. Yeah.
while you were sober, you're sober. Yeah. You got on TikTok. Let's start taking that journey and then we'll get into all the stuff that everybody wants to hear about, which I really don't know. So whatever you want to address is perfectly fine with me. Okay. So I got on TikTok. I made friends. I had this like
We had this friend from England that like we ended up flying out and like this whole group chat of people. We just like all got together and like made friends and TikTok was so amazing in a like, I feel like my healing because like I felt like such an outcast because I had missed out on so much of my life.
You know what I mean? That like, I felt very immature. You know what I mean? Like it was hard for me to grow up because I missed out on so many things. So like being on TikTok, I really just got to like feed that inner child and be a jackass because like I could be. Right. You know what I mean? And people are going to love you for you. Exactly. They're going to hate you for you and they're going to love you for you. Exactly. And I really... Always, always the hate. Yeah. Yeah. Um...
But it was a crazy ride. And then at some point when I like, when I was really getting popular, like I was verified on TikTok and I had like over a million followers. And then... How did you get verified? Because they will not fucking verify me. And I have articles up.
up the wazoo yeah I don't I don't know like I don't love that they I don't fucking know I'm over here fighting for verification yeah well this was like forever ago this was I was really blowing up there was like a specific group of friends that were really just like blowing up right um who was all in the crew
Nice Michael. I fucking love Nice Michael. If you don't know who he is, you should look him up. He dances and he's just such a sweetheart. I got to hang out with him. He was one of the first people that I really hung out with and he was so...
Like welcoming. Right. Just and I got to meet like his girlfriend at the time and she was like hilarious. She was even funnier than him. I'm sorry, Michael, if you see this, but like she was so amazing. They were just such a sweet couple. And yeah, there was.
There's a lot of people that I don't want to say their names. Okay, gotcha. Because, like, we're not friends anymore. So I don't want to just, like, talk about them or, like, upset anybody. For sure. But back then, it was a time of my fucking life. And I will always appreciate those people. Like, no matter what. It was such a turning point in my life. And when I did get verified on TikTok, they literally called me. And they were like, we want you to be a part of the creator program. So, like...
How would you feel about getting verified? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. And they're just on their computer. They're like, okay, it's done. And then they called me. Must be nice. Then they called me months later. They were like, do you want to meet Youngblood? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. I do. So they like got me in to hang out with him, like with a lot of other creators. And TikTok did a lot until I started doing sex work again. Right. So when I was getting popular, I,
People had found out that like I used to sell, you know, explicit content and I had been pretty open about like, hey, this was like, I wasn't in a good place in my life. Like I wasn't with a good person. I wasn't being treated okay. Like it was an abusive relationship.
And I don't want you guys to like use these photos. They were making their profile pictures, like a picture of me with like a dick in my mouth. Oh, my God. Like on TikTok. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And TikTok was like allowing the whole thing. Didn't matter how many times I reported the accounts, all of that. So I was like, you know what?
fuck you guys. You're not going to do this for free. Right. I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this shit. So then I started OnlyFans. Right. And it blew the fuck up. Of course. Yeah. Because those that talk shit still want to fucking see what's going on. Literally. Yeah. And that changed my life. Aww. And I did that for a while and then I did like my first like collab like people on TikTok calling they call it collabs. Um
And that blew up as well. That was like one year into like me doing OnlyFans. And then I just spent the next like year, I would do like one big collab a month with like whoever else, oh, sorry. I'm good. Whoever else like did OnlyFans and also did TikTok. And like somehow I was just known for doing that, like collabing with like the biggest influencers online.
On TikTok. And what happened? So you had your profile taken, though? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they just banned me. They banned you and took your verification now and they won't verify you again or what? So they banned me. They won't give me the account back. I had like 2.9 million followers, I think. So when does all the hate start pouring in? Like, when does this happen? Literally, midweek.
maybe like three months ago, four months ago. Is when this all started? Yeah. So the thing about back when I was on Vine, back when I was on drugs and I was on Vine, I made some jokes that were fucked up. Jokes that like I'm not proud of. I used to like say the N word, you know, and it's not okay. I do not like stand up for that at all. It's not something that like I believe in whatsoever. I used to make just sick jokes. Like,
since I was like 15 I was groomed by like one of my dad's friends you know and so I used to think that like grooming jokes were funny because I was like conditioned to it I was like I can make these jokes I was it was your upbringing yeah yeah so um I look back at these videos and I'm like oh that's fucked but this is something that
I bring up, I try to bring up like at least once a year. Right. Because I don't want it to like come as a shock. Right. You know, because I, as embarrassed as I am about this, I'm like, that was me. Right. I didn't give a fuck. Like I have to take accountability. That was still me that did that as much as I hate it. I mean, owning it, that's all you can do is own it, apologize. And the best apology is changed behavior. Yeah. You know, so for people who want to keep dragging you for it, that's just...
Yeah. So there was this weird little I'm going to call it a fan page that was started for me.
And the reason that they started the page was because of the fact that like I used to say the n-word ten years ago and a lot of my friends are POCs, you know that like I a lot of my friends like OCS, huh? What are people of color? A lot of my friends are like black and just people of color and They call out racism when they see it right now, but me I
I mind my business. I'm like, I'm what the fuck am I supposed to do? Tell them like, maybe you shouldn't call out these things like that's their place. Right? It's not my place. And that's where this hate page got things like very mixed up because they think that I call these things out. But I'm like, my friends know about my fuck ups because I've openly said it on my pages. You know what I mean?
um I bring it up every time like at least once a year you know what I mean I take accountability for it but it it's not my place to tell tell my friends not to call these things out right but from what the internet was seeing you know they were seeing the fact that I used to do this and the fact that my friends like call these things out but
They didn't understand that, like, it's just not my fucking place. Right. And that also the person that they're trying to, like, convict you of being, that was 10 years ago, you know? Yeah. Like, people grow, people learn. And also, it has a lot to do with your upbringing, too. You know, like, I was raised in an extremely, I don't want to say racist household, but, you know, we had Confederate flags in our house and it was just...
like, you know, you don't date outside your race and you know, people don't understand that when, and it wasn't until I got with my husband that I really understood different cultures because I had never been exposed to it. And all of his friends know that. Cause I have been very open with them about that. We actually did a whole documentary with Chelsea Handler on racism and I had to talk about it with Chelsea Handler, you know? And I don't think people realize,
realize that, you know, your parents have a lot to do with how you start
speak and how you feel about and you know you were just a baby 10 years ago 10 years ago you're fucking 18 yeah you know like yeah I don't want to use age as a scapegoat because it's not but it's like what 18 year old isn't fucking learning how to fucking be a human being especially with no guidance you know right I just don't understand how people can just crucify other people for doing things that they were never taught
was right or wrong. Yeah. And like none of my friends really like corrected me.
Because my friends were doing... I had a bunch of hood rat friends. We weren't correcting each other. We weren't being watched. We weren't being corrected by parents. We were just literally out running around, sleeping in random fields with bottles of vodka. Cars and shit. So there was no guidance, but...
But you've taken accountability. And I don't think that you should have to keep every year fucking reminding people, hey, I used to be this person, but another year has gone by and I've changed. You know, like, that's so not fair to you. And these sites literally are, like, ruining people's lives. Like, going out of their way to, like, hurt people. And that's not okay. One thing that I really want to say about these hate pages, like, this is...
This is the one thing that I kept reminding myself, like when I get on this podcast, because there are viewers like I, I want to talk about this because as much as I honestly, I do understand these people wanting to hold people accountable. Yeah, like, absolutely. I empathize with that very much.
But then as soon as they got like the attention that they were looking for, you know, this hate page gained like 11,000 followers because when it's a whole page where you can delete any comment that's like, hey, this isn't true. Yeah. Like it was all fucking slander. Yeah. No, they did the same thing to us whenever the whole Demps thing went down. They tried to say that I was shaming an essay victim. Yeah. And that was not the case at all.
And they literally took one piece of the video that I had posted. And all I simply said was, if she's comfortable telling thousands of people on a hate page her situation, why? And threatening lawyers, then why doesn't she go to the authorities and do what she says she's going to do? Yeah, we don't even... And the thing is, is these people on these pages believe people who don't even have profile pictures. These could be anybody...
impersonating anybody. And you guys do not have cold, hard facts. In the court of law, you would have to have cold, hard facts to convict somebody. And these people do not have any facts. And they're literally just making up whatever they want to make up about people. And it's not okay. They take these like almost half truths and they fill the gaps. Like if...
That's been the entire problem. It's called speculation. Yeah. Which would never hold weight in court. The whole problem between me and this page is I haven't said anything. So they're like filling gaps with any friendships that have fallen through with me. Any situation. Heaven forbid friendships fall apart. I'm like...
I'm like, have you never like, do you fucking still have like every friend you've ever had in your life? Are they still active? I fight with my fucking best friend of 20 years. We fucking broke up two years ago and just recently started talking again. It's a part of being human. Yeah. And like, that's valid. But my biggest problem with this hate page is like, like I empathize with wanting to hold people accountable.
But I don't think they're so wrapped up in getting the attention from this hate. They don't realize that they're like, I'm a fucking sex worker. I'm a mother and I'm a sex worker. So by just as much as they don't want to fucking believe it, people want to kill me just because I fucking exist. People want to be aggressive with me.
And they're digging up this information about me. They're like reaching out to people that I went to fucking high school with. 10 years ago, I went to high school with these people and they're looking for information. And I'm like, you guys don't understand the game that you're playing. You can get all this information about me. And I can promise you, you're not going to like everything. I've had a hard fucking life. Yeah. I didn't grow up with a fucking picture perfect goddamn life. Like it...
It is not 12 years ago. You were underage. Right. So what the fuck are they digging for? Like, that's weird. So these people are getting these bits of information, but they don't understand that the wrong people could be watching. Right. You think every fucking every person in that page is there because they want to hold me accountable to. Yeah. No, people are fucking sick. Yeah. They created this.
They created an entire private Discord to share photos of our children's faces. Mine, Honey's, and Luna's. They also tried to tell us that that didn't exist. But we have screenshots. Like...
Do you know how fucking scary that is? And we managed to get in the fucking discord. What makes you think fucking creeps aren't? Yeah. That's so scary. Like, if you want to hold us accountable, that's fucking fine. You want to pick us apart, that's fine. Don't bring children into it. These people have tried so hard to prove that I'm a bad person.
Which, I'm not fucking perfect. Like, I never came online saying, like, I am the picture-perfect sex worker. I am the picture-perfect mother. But that's what makes a person beautiful is not being perfect. Yeah. Being perfectly flawed is beautiful. They've picked...
everything apart every friendship like they do that with demos they do that with Demps too like literally Demps can't even breathe the wrong way no or they it's like oh my God her lip quivered to the left do you see how ugly she looks like it's like the weirdest and I don't go on there but you know I talk to Demps all the time or like yeah you know some people on my team see stuff and they tell me about it I just
I cannot, like, I would rather love the shit out of people who are not perfect. Yeah. And just, you know, be a beacon of light in their life than to ever want to fucking put, like,
anybody in harm's way or fucking jeopardize a child. Like, yeah. What if there's like pedophiles in there and child molesters that see these babies? That's what I'm saying. And one of these babies gets hurt because of this fucking group. Like how this place is legal is fucking beyond me, dude. Right.
I don't understand, and I really think the creators need to start talking out about it. I completely agree, but nobody's going to start talking about it until somebody gets hurt or they're very affected. I just had to... My friend just relapsed on live.
And they... So they live in my apartment. And I don't fuck with that. Like, I've had talks with them. I'm like, if you're gonna stay in my apartment, like, you can't fuck up like this. Like, for me, sobriety is like life or death. And I'm talking about, like, getting high. Like, I drink every now and then. But, like, if you're getting high, you can't be in my life. Right. Because it will ruin me. Yeah. So they had a mental breakdown because of this fucking hate page. Because...
there's so many ways I could pick them apart the way that they have picked me apart but the way that they have if they see me with somebody I did a collab with our friend Yenny and they went in this page talking about how they think Yenny is an abuser and Yenny did this and Yenny did that Yenny had to go in there and explain every single relationship that they've ever had and like do you know
Do you remember the Goonies when Chunk was like explaining his entire life with his hand in the blender? That was Yenny just trying to save their own ass because these people were trying to label them as an abuser for being seen with me. And it's scary for anybody that wants to like be a part of my life. Yeah.
No, they do that. They do that with Dems too. Auntie Amanda, they tear her apart trashly. They tear her apart. Yeah. It's like, I just don't understand if they like it's if they pick and choose who they want to fucking pick on. Oh, yeah. They zero in. Yeah. It is like literally like a swarm of bees just attacking. Yeah. Over and over and over again. And it's just so toxic and it's so disgusting. And.
I just don't understand, like I said, how that site is even fucking up. It's insane. One time I had... I'm really cold. I'm shaking like a chihuahua. So I'm going to put my jacket on. Are you getting mad? Yeah. Well, this whole thing is like... It's almost... I've got trauma. But this is like borderline traumatic. Because my friends are being affected. You know? And like... My friend had a mental breakdown. And I had to...
I had to take a school night away from my daughter to drive all over my state to get them a ticket to go back home so that they could go to like the mental hospital. And I'm just like, you motherfuckers want to call me such a bad mom, but because of everything that like you have put on all of us, you know, my friend's an adult. They did fuck up, but that's like a conversation between, you know, me and them. But like,
This page was like, how could you blame us? I'm like, we all played our parts. Yeah. We all played our fucking parts. I mean, if everybody just stops tuning into that page, I feel like they would have no leg to stand on either, you know? Yeah. Because it's like...
You could talk about me all fucking day long. I don't give a fuck. I'm still going to succeed. You're still going to succeed. And honestly, the hate doesn't reach me unless I go looking for it. And really, you can siphon comments out and stuff like that and just completely block these people out because giving them attention is just feeding. You feed what you fear.
And I realized that after I had addressed things with this page and they got that attention, I was like, this is never going to stop. Somebody has to end it. So just fuck them. And then I found out who some of these people were. I found their Instagrams.
Yeah. Mimi got mad at somebody talking shit about me and she literally found this woman's fucking children found her like, and they're always fucking like the people who don't have a profile picture, literally never want to show themselves and who are the most fucking opinionated because their lives fucking suck. Yeah. I fight me on it. I there's not one successful person in there.
I don't give a fuck who you are. You guys can claim you're successful. You guys can say you've got all this shit going on, but you're literally in a fucking chat tearing down other people with no profile picture. I don't give a fuck. If you can't say it from your chest, I don't respect it. And you know what?
There are people that I have worked with that I found in this page. Like a grown ass 26 year old person that I have worked with who I didn't even know we had problems. I still have not had a conversation with them about it. Wow. And they're in this page saying like, does anybody think that like Kenzie just looks like they bite people and like is really annoying? And I'm like, what the fuck? You've never even met this Kenzie person.
And what are you doing as, like, a grown successful person? Like, a grown successful independent sex worker? What the fuck are you doing? And I've had other people, like, that I was close friends with join in on this, which made it worse. And that was...
one of the hardest like awakenings when I realized that like not everybody is friends with you because they want to see you make it to the top. Oh, yeah. They will put their fucking claws in you and try and rip you down the second you don't benefit them anymore. Oh, absolutely. And that's like exactly what happened.
Yeah, that's like just we've already given it way too much energy. But I want you to speak on it and, you know, people to hear your point of view on it, too, because it does affect you and it does affect the people around you. And that's not fucking fair, dude. But that place is that they're like they remind me of like.
people who fucking are hanging out at like a Denny's at two o'clock in the morning are four let's you know what 4 30 a.m okay because that's a rough crowd right so that like literally I just picture them all in like a Denny's or a blueberry hill fucking smoking cigarettes chain drinking coffee just talking shit about the next bitch you know like it's literally like they're just I just cannot see these people being productive citizens so
So saying that much moving on from that site, what does 2023 hold for Hawk? Like,
holy shit I have no idea dude you know I'm just fucking flying by the seat of my pants I really thought about quitting after all of this I really did because never let them win baby and I know that and honestly it was Joanna like Joanna is so strong and just like sat me down it was just like bitch I
I know you're a good person. You know you're a good fucking person. She was like, who fucking cares about the rest? People are going to talk. You've made it. Yeah. And now, like, I'm a sensitive little cancer baby. Yeah, you want to hide in your shell. Yeah. So... Don't let them dim your light, though. You don't...
You've worked, you have clawed your way out of fucking the depths of hell from addiction, from, you know, an abusive relationship for art, you know, whatever type of relationship that was. I don't want to label it something that it wasn't. But, you know, just being made to do work that you weren't to me is abusive. So, yeah, that's why I say that. But not physically, you know.
childhood trauma fucking living on your own being doing drugs at 12 you know like you have come so far to let people who can't even face you say these things to you for you to ever fucking give up dude yeah fuck these people honestly keep shitting on them you know what when i when i when
I texted you last night and I was like, I'm so nervous because in my brain, I'm like, this is finally my chance to like address all these rumors. And like, I had bits of phone calls and screenshots with all these facts because of the rumors that they spread. And I was like,
Dude, fuck them. Yeah. Like, honestly. I mean, it doesn't matter how many receipts you show and how much shit. They're still going to fucking twist their narrative. Exactly. You could never do right in these people's eyes. Yeah. And it's just like, it's kind of like, I hate to compare it to this, but it's like a fucked up relationship with a parent. Yeah. And you just have to cut it off. If it's toxic for you, it's...
And it's not benefiting you in any way. Those motherfuckers, I guarantee you half of those 10,000 people are subscribed to your fucking OnlyFans. Yeah. Oh, no, they are. Guaranteed. They've talked about it. Yeah. They like hate watch. And I'm like, that is $15. But you're still getting paid. Yeah. Bro, that is lunch. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. That's so sad. Yeah. It's insane. No, don't even try to explain yourself. Don't ever give up for those people because then they win. Yeah. And really win.
Why? What did they win? Fucking another hater in the group? Yeah. Like, they're hating for free. These people literally are sitting around hating for free, which fucking blows my mind. And I realize that, like, if they win, if I quit, I'm not going to be the end of it. Right. Because I'm not the problem. I'm not, like, I'm not the solution to their problems. Oh, no, they'll just zero in on somebody else. It'll just be to the next fucking person. That's why there's multiple fucking pages. Dude, I had fucking...
Kristen and Whitney in here. Those, I don't know if you know who they are. Huge fucking TikTok stars too. Kristen Whitman and Whitney Wren. These little girls are fucking just turned 20, 21 years old and are literally getting torn apart. And it's just, it's the fucking weirdest shit to me, dude. They'll zero in on anybody. Yeah. So it doesn't matter. Yeah. I will say another reason I didn't quit.
is because, like, I stopped taking this page serious when, like, last year I got in, like, a six-month situationship with this guy who ended up treating me like shit. He went into this page and told everybody that he was freed from the shackles of Hawk when he broke up with me because he couldn't make me cum, and I was like,
No amount of waterboarding could ever get that out of me. That is so embarrassing. And the way that the page was just like, oh my God, you poor thing. I'm like, you guys are fucking insane. Come on. What the fuck? I was like, this is a joke. Like that's something to be so... First of all, he's a cornball for even saying that. He is. Also, I'm on antidepressants. So like... Yeah. What do you expect? Like...
It's okay. All you have to do is try a little bit. Yeah.
Still, it's just like that's so corny. Yeah. People just would turn to that page just because you guys didn't work out. Like nobody has loyalty anymore. It's so weird. Yeah. 2023, what do you want to happen? If in a perfect world, what would be a perfect year for you? You know what? I have been steering away from like working with influencers and, you know, sex work.
Just because like I went into sex work knowing nothing and I fucked up along the way like planning group events and you know things like that. There have been... It's hard. Yeah. Collabs are hard. I don't do them. And going in knowing fucking nothing and trying to like coordinate all these things just because I'm the one that like got lucky and had the money to do it and then being responsible for like 20 plus influencers. I'm like...
This isn't for me. And then I met Joanna. Yeah. And I worked with, um, I worked with Aaron, which was such a game changer working with people who have been in this industry for so long. That are professional as fuck. That's where I'm headed. Yeah. Because I love my job. I love the friends that I've made that are like so professional and,
And I'm probably very soon just going to retire on a little farm with my daughter. I love that. And that's all you can do. That is like the best life that you could give her. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I when I first got my house that I'm in, I remember crying. Did you buy it?
No. No, I didn't. But still just having your own house. I'm still too scared to have a house in my name. Right. Because, you know, it's public knowledge. Like I could buy a house, but I'm like working. There's ways around it. Whenever you're ready, let me know because our houses aren't in our names. Okay. Yeah. I would love to talk about that. But being in the state that I'm in, not many people know about these things. So like I'll be talking to realtors and I'm like, can you figure this out? And they're like, oh, I don't know.
know yeah okay we got you so um I remember crying because my every house I've ever lived in has been so chaotic kids running back and forth you know like our cousins would be living with us and I felt so safe my house was so quiet my daughter was in bed by like eight o'clock and like we had both like gotten our showers in dinner time and that was when I was like
I want a quiet life. That was when I decided like the end goal is the farm. Yeah. So I love that with goats.
She said with goats. You got to have the goats. I love that. I love that so much. Well, Hawk, I'm so happy that you came to sit down with me and I can't wait to keep watching your journey. You got to promise me that you're going to come back though. I would love to. All right. I would absolutely love to. Thank you for having me. Dude, I'm just so happy you're here. Why don't you shout out where people can find you and your OnlyFans and all that stuff if they already don't know? It is...
My Instagram is Hawk Hates You and my OnlyFans is Hawk Hates You and so is my Twitter. The only thing that's different is TikTok, which is Disco Robot Dance. Unless I could get my Hawk Hates You page back, then we'll be... We'll see what we can do about that. Hawk Hates You across the board. I love that. How did you get the name Hawk, by the way?
I'm so glad you asked because I get this question so much. Yeah, I want to hear this. There's this movie, Detroit Rock City. Did you ever watch that movie? Okay. Well, I'm pretty sure Gene Simmons made the movie. It's a movie about... I did do a lap dance for Gene Simmons one time. Good. He licked my back. It was weird.
Yeah, I bet it was. It was weird. Me and my best friend, Tasha. So this movie, it's called Detroit Rock City, and it's about four kids who are just fucking dying to go to a KISS concert. And like one of the moms is super religious and she like burns the tickets. So they do all these crazy things to get tickets like,
Like there's a guy, Hawk, and I wanted to be just like him. He ends up sleeping with like a stripper in the movie. And I was like, oh, what an icon. I want to sleep with strippers one day. Look at you now. Yeah. And here I am. You have her destiny. How would I how do I say that properly? Hawk fulfilled fulfilled their destiny. Yeah. Gotcha. There you go. I'm learning, guys. It's it's OK to like.
Fuck up with pronouns. One thing that I've realized is, like, people get more uncomfortable if you make, like, a huge deal. Like, if somebody fucks up, you know, pronouns in front of a group of people and another person is like, hey, their pronouns are they them, you know, like, making a huge deal.
spectacle of somebody's pronouns yeah that's that's where it gets uncomfortable for me i just always want to be respectful you know and it's it's so hard like i said you learn things in childhood and yeah all this shit is so new i'm 42 years old trying to learn pronouns has been a thing for me but it's a thing in the world and it's like you want to respect
people's choices and people's beliefs so yeah I think that's great and that's really important I think the issue is like with people that are like I don't get pronouns you know it's you're human it's okay to like every day we're fucking up and like unlearning things that's that's okay but like
I think it's really cool that you're trying. Right. I think I appreciate that. Are you guys are you meeting up with Joanna after this? I am. Yeah. We're going to dinner. We're going to someplace that does magic. Oh, OK. House of Cards. Yeah. Yeah. That's where we're going. You guys are going to have a blast and I can't wait. I'm super excited. I can't wait for you to come back, too. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me. You're always welcome back anytime. Anytime you want to come and spill tea or just talk shit.
My couch is waiting for you. And I'll be here all the time. I can't wait. Be careful what you say because I'll be out here all the time. Cannot wait. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Dumb Blonde. I will see you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.
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