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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.
My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com slash results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Tell us a true story from your life that sounds made up. We've got quite a few replies. So this is the one that someone sent to me.
First time I was ever out past 8pm, I ran into my friend's grandfather on my way home. He warned me about being out late, saying people are being killed out here. Woke up the next morning to news that he had been arrested for murder. Next. Wait, what? His brethren's grandad was on road and said, you need to get home. People are getting killed out here. People are getting shanked out here. He was out here killing people. He was out here. Next morning, he was arrested for murder.
My grandpa said he would come back to life only after his mum was late. He died four years back, 4pm January the 15th, of a bike accident that left a scar on his left side of his head. My kid brother was born years late at 4pm January 15th and with the exact same scar on the same spot of the head.
Nah, bro. This isn't. What's the title? Let's do it again. Tell us a story. Tell us a true story from your life that sounds made up. Yeah, both of these sound made up. I'm pretty sure they are made up. I'm certain these are made up.
I once burgled a home and stole a safe. I cracked the safe and discovered photos of the owner molesting a child. He reported the burglary to the police. I turned the photos in. The cops called him to confess the burglary. He confessed and we both went to prison. What a moral conflict. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What a moral conflict. Yes, yes.
This guy's a pedophile. This should be a movie. That could run as a movie. This guy's a pedophile, but the only way I can prove it is if I give myself in. I stole a safe, big man. I wonder if he got anything out of it. Or was it just pictures? Probably. I either turn myself in and go pen or just let a pedophile roam the streets. That's internal conflict. What would you do? I think it would depend. It's tough because I think it would depend on my...
on how much I've stolen so far in a sense of, because if I'm just out here burgling and I'm on like a list, I'm clearly like the next one I do when they clock me, it's long for me. So if I'm on my, if I'm doing one of my last sneaky burgles now, and this is the one I grab and I've, and they went like this close to catching me last time. And then I see that I'm thinking, I don't know if I can turn myself in.
i don't know let's say for some reason the news are spilling all the beans okay and they're basically saying for whatever reason the news are saying whoever this burglar is yeah as soon as we catch him yeah he's doing a minimum of six years me being pet you've been in there as soon as we catch him he's doing a minimum of six years yeah and the homeboys are gonna have a play with his body hole
They're going to have a time with it for at least the first six months. They're going to have a time with it. They're going to loosen that. God have mercy. But you know, let's say these pictures, homeboys in the pictures and there's bare use in these pictures. So, you know, he's snagging use and you do your research and you found out he's killing the use as well. Oh my God. So you start looking at missing children. Yeah.
Just to double check. And every missing child. It's just adding up. It's just all the pictures you've got. It's all adding up. He's on the loose. Fuhad.
He's on the loose and he's taking and killing kids. Okay, I'll have to, I'll bail someone. I'll bail someone high up. High up. Like, I can't just walk into the police station. Do you know what I mean? They wouldn't listen to what I have to say. They think I'm making up stories, James, about I've got a safe and there's kids in there. Or kids pictures in there with the next man. They think I'm making up stories. I have to bail someone high up.
How are you going to get through to them? Fam, I don't know. How are you going to get past the secretary? Fam, I don't know, James. I'll probably pay someone to take it to the police station. That's also risque. I'm going to go ballied up, 100 quid, and explain to someone who understands. You're ballied up. No one's understanding what you're saying. Fam, I'll bally up, and just a woman, a woman has to be a woman, middle-aged woman, ballied up. She's terrified. It doesn't matter, because we're going to take as long as it takes.
This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go ballied up in a van. I'm going to kidnap this bitch.
unmarked van kidnapper take it to a field somewhere yeah and just where no one can hear her scream yeah and just let her get the nerves out oh this is blackbird this is full-blown blackbird let her get the nerves out yeah and they're like listen are you are you done are you done are you done you're not in any danger bro but here's what happened i'm a thief i'm a fool they're after me yeah they need man behind bars but i'm not willing to go
Last person I tea from, I stole all these pictures, bro. And this guy's taking and killing children. Do you understand me? She's going to be like, she's going to be so conflicted as well. So conflicted. She'll be like, do you understand why you're here now? I need you to go to the police. Take your phone out and record the situations that they believe you. Otherwise they might think you're the tea. Yeah.
Get your phone out. I'm paddied up. Take your phone out. Record what you want. Yeah, record what you need to record and tell them, bro, I teethed it.
These are the pictures. This is the evidence. This is the yard. I'm telling you the yard on camera right now. This is where I stole it from. They will be able to corroborate the theft report. They will be able to corroborate that the man in the pictures is the same guy who filed the report. Take it to them, please. Because we can't lose another kid out here.
That has to be the, surely she'll do the right thing. She'd run away, bro. Yeah. I promise you. I promise you. As soon as you let her out, she's going to scurry into the air. She's going to scurry into the field. Pictures are just done. And she's dipping. I would, I'd murder her. I would fucking murder her. You'd run her over. This bitch could never do that. I would kill her. And now that's 25 for life. And now I need to find a new mole.
Who's going to infiltrate the team. He needs to find the pictures as well. And he's going to start picking up pictures that are getting caught in the wind. I'm livid. You got pictures, a safe, and a dead woman in your car. Now I've got a dead bitch in my van. And you're bellied up. You are going jail. So the next person on that team now needs to face the fear of this and understand why there's a body in it.
Listen. Listen. Let this be a lesson to you because the next time I speak, this might be you. So shut up and hear what I have to say. Bro, I told this bitch and you know what she did? She dashed the pictures and ran. I had to kill her. That's why she's dead. Because she wasn't even willing to save kids, fam. Are you willing to save kids? I would shake and say yes. I would shake and say yes, James. I'm willing to save the children. Fam, I...
Imagine, bro. And you're just so deep. You can't get out of it now. And imagine, imagine this one now. I imagine that. All right, there. Hmm.
So this one, they're actually like, holy fucking shit. I can't believe it. Yeah. I actually can't believe it. Yeah, yeah. So the new brother you've kidnapped believes the story. He believes the story. He's taking the pictures and he's like, fuck this guy. He's on my side. Fuck this guy. And I'm like, big man, thank you. Roan free. He opens the door and just as he leaves, he yanks my body off. And records him and he yanks his shit. He has to go too. You are going to all sorts of jail, bro.
Your day has just gone worse. I can actually imagine this being a movie. All shot over one night. All right. The scene is one night. Fucking long. Oh, that's long. That's how you make a movie that ends up being. Do you remember the movie Phone Booth?
with um it had forrest whitaker in it yeah and colin farrell yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ringing yes yes do not hang up this fucking phone everywhere yeah yeah yeah yeah fucking bomb yeah it would have to be a phone booth thing where i have to ring a random phone booth and then whoever answers it don't have a fucking phone don't have a fucking phone there's a bomb in there there's a fucking bomb in there don't hang on the phone
And they're like, what? Don't have a fucking phone. There's a bomb in there. I'm kidding everyone. Listen. Take the third panel to your left. Lift it up. Take the pictures out. There's a parcel in there. Is that what I need you to do? It's going to be drama. That sounds like a good movie. I'm not going to lie. That sounds like a fucking good movie. I'd be so livid. At some point, I'd be thinking...
Fuck this And you'd want to go home And then you think These kids bro These kids bro And then you think Maybe I should just murder the guy Do you know what I mean Maybe I should just murder the guy Maybe I'm doing this the wrong way Maybe I am justice
I am Batman. Yeah, literally. I look like Batman now anyway. I am Batman. This is how Batman started. Because you can't trust anyone here. You can't trust anyone to do the right thing. You can't. So you have to take justice into your own hands. I am Batman. Literally, this is an anti-villain origin story. Facts. Anti-hero story. Anti-hero origin story. Yeah.
Wow. What's up, guys? Thank you very much for listening. That was a short clip from our most recent Patreon episode. If you enjoyed it and you want to get the full episode, head on over to patreon.com forward slash shits and gigs. Link is in the description. And once you're there, it's going to cost you a light, humble three pound a month. 10p a day. Run the P. You know the drill. Head on over today, guys, and enjoy. Thank you very much.
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