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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.
My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. What's crazy is that Joker doesn't even have superpowers. Just a crazy white guy with a gun. Bro!
A crazy white guy with a gun can do what he wants. Do what he wants, bro. He takes what he wants. Tory Lanez is finally big enough to ride the Batman roller coaster, so he took his whole family to Six Flags. Fam, Tory Lanez is the shortest person I've seen in real life. I'm not even joking. Where did I see him? I saw him in Manchester, Victoria. I think it's called Victoria Warehouse. And he literally walked past us.
And I've never looked so low before. Yeah, that's exactly what it was when I saw him when we went to the Drake thing. That was the time he walked past us. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fan? Yeah, yeah. Seen him get off stage, go back, and I just see the shortest prayer walking past me. He's scurrying past us.
He's so short, bro. It's insane. He claims 5'7". He's not. He's not. Everyone knows he's not. Everyone knows he's not. He's 5'4". Pushing. Yeah, yeah, he's pushing 5'4". Pushing 5'4". I would hazard to say 5'3". He's the shortest bro I've seen. It's wild. This chick wrote...
No, I think this guy wrote, some females will link a guy today and then link another guy today. Rags. Double dinner ting. Bro, facts. I think I've said that one before. All right. So haven't gone back to the gym since I kept using my phone and someone asked me, is it fingers day? He was sat in the gym on his phone. She was. Oh, of course it was. And someone said, oh, is it fingers day? That's a fight. That's a public fight.
mind your fucking business is it fingers day no it's a rest pause yeah yeah i mean it's a recovery period shut your mouth oh i went on a date with a guy who said he was six foot two i would just like to announce that i too am six foot two apparently fucking liars bro oh you can't be lying about hype bro we've had this and then link someone yeah rags he clearly lied
so much about his height not even like your 5'9 and say oh maybe i'm 5'10 yeah man he's clearly 5'8 or 5'5 it's a 6'2 he just threw numbers together what do you think is gonna happen bro man probably he was on his tippy toes i reckon she was so buff that he had to lie and then when push came to shove her she's down to link yeah she was so buff that he couldn't not yeah
He couldn't not. He was never going to tell her until she found out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's cancelling the date. Oh, rags. So she has to like me for me by the end of today. Couldn't deal with it. Couldn't deal with it, bro. And it would have to be an activity thing, so no heels. No heels. We're going bowling, babes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to see eye to eye. Oh, fuck. Oh, it's peak. I'm 6'2", apparently. Well, at least they're the same height. At least she's not taller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Facts, facts, facts. Fuck. But it's weird when she starts wearing heels. It's long. It's the longest. You're not allowed.
The Purge movies weird because... No, the Purge movies are so weird because they said all crime is legal and everybody automatically thought murder. I'd be at the grocery store stealing chicken and steak. Fam, I would be looting in Purge. Bro. Murder who you want. I'm stealing everything. Everything. I don't need to kill anyone. Why am I killing people? It's pointless. Fam, this is their... Because I've only watched one. The premise is that they have no crime at all in it. I've seen... I think I've seen all of them.
Why? You've got too much time on your hands. You've seen every Purge movie. You say like all six came out or all five came out back to back to back. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That's like me saying I've seen all the Fast and Furious movies. I have. Too much time on your hands. Of course I have. It's not of course. It got dead. As soon as Homeboy died in real life, it got dead. I'm still seeing them. Exactly, because you've got time.
It's fine to have time. Everyone sees shit movies, bro. Yeah, I'm saying, I've seen shit movies, but I don't continue to watch them. Because they're just going to get worse and worse. The first Purge was dead. I can't remember what the first Purge was like. Neither do I. I just remember it's the same shit. Yeah, it's all the... Every single one of them is obviously the same premise, but just different somehow. Yeah, I'm not watching that. But...
um yeah so the premise is like this because they have this one day there's nothing that goes on i think it's for 12 hours or 24 hours or something like that yeah nothing goes on for the rest of the year a man just bolt themselves in themselves and other men just start killing people unless you're out here killing people how in this because if this is our universe and this has been going around forever how are men still managing to break in yards
true you're not getting if every year there's a purge and i promise you i've made it to adulthood yeah you're not getting in my yard facts you won't make it in i promise you yeah i promise you you won't make it i'm building site yeah yeah yeah so surely the only people that are dying are the people that are trying to kill facts anyway at my funeral take the take the bouquet off of my coffin and throw it into the crowd so i can see who's next
Fam, the way you said next sweetened me. Because you were in their mindset. So I can see who's next. That's the way you said it. So I can see who's next. That's too funny. Having a boyfriend is like having a slow son.
Wow. Excuse me. Fam. Excuse me. It's like having a slow son. Always have to pick up after your shit, tell you what to do. You dumb little bitch. You dumb motherfucker. You don't know how to live. You can't even do your own laces without me. Oh, fuck you. I was passing my son in the kitchen and he did a little crossover and I hear him go, light work under his breath. I will buckle him into the fucking chest of drawers or whatever.
I'll bounce him off the fridge. Yeah. My son could never cross me. Light work. Light work. And you shimmy as well. You shimmy and he goes, light work. I've smacked the back of his head. I've draped the back of his collar. Run it back. Run it back. With this imaginary ball, run it back. I said, light work. My old man is light, timid little work. You old fuck.
oh jesus christ this is facts actually not anymore to be fair i'll never be mature enough to work on my birthday i've never worked on my birthday i think no that's a lie i've worked on one birthday in my adult career and i think i was still in um grill on the market i remember because i couldn't get off i couldn't get the whole day off so i think i worked the morning and went out in the evening i've worked my birthday a few times
It is actually like... I'm very immature. You're immature when it comes to... I'm very immature. You love your birthday. I need a week off. Yeah. The reason why, especially because in hospitality, my birthday is so close to Valentine's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need that week off. I just can't be asked to be in the space of work. Makes sense. During that week. Working on your birthday is so overrated as well in terms of like...
you feel bad you feel like you're a big man you actually feel mature when you don't book your birthday off and you rock it up into work you're thinking big man I'm an adult I'm an adult I'm working on my birthday I'm not gonna book my birthday off like come on man I'm past that but when you get halfway through your day you're thinking why am I here why am I here it's my birthday you feel like you were dragged here yeah
It's my birthday, bruv. And no one's singing me nothing. No cake, no card, no pat on the shoulder. Everyone's just walking like it's normal. It's my fucking birthday. It's my day and there's no one surrounding me. Yeah, you feel like when you don't book off, you feel like you want to walk into a round of applause. Oh, rags. A guard of honor. Wow. You're the employee. You're the employee. And when you don't get that, you feel like you've been dragged into work. I think I worked here on my birthday, didn't I? When you say here, what do you mean here? This studio. In this studio? Yeah. Yeah.
Because we had to do a bonus episode because we were in London on the Monday. What was your date? Oh, yeah. My birthday was on the Friday. On the Friday. Okay, okay, okay. Yes. No applause, nothing. Oh, shit. Yeah, I forgot about that. Soz, bro. I was going to say, you're the one who didn't applaud. I'm pretty sure we said satin on the channel, on the show. Probably. This one's for you, B. I'm done pretending like I know the lyrics to Dreams and Nightmares at a function.
literally the only bit i know is hold up wait a minute you thought i was finished that's jokes bro everyone screams it yeah yeah they do screams it as soon as it drops they do they do i know no lyrics to it yeah same he's so cute i don't know if i want to kiss him or strangle him been there i wanted to eat a baby before have you never had that when you held your nephew or something like that you want to like bite their cheek and then just like really fucking bite yeah you're so fucking cute you're fucking cute bro
Yeah, it's dangerous. Oh, it's hilarious. Two people had sex and now I'm fighting for my life every day. There's so many facts to that. It's unbearable. It's unbearable. I used to fucking hate when you were, you know, when you're a kid and you just have to remind your mom. I didn't ask to be born fam. I didn't ask for this. You had to remind your mom that sometimes. Bare times. Oh, I've never spoken to my mom like that in my life. I've never said to my mom. I got smacked up afterwards. I've never said to my Nigerian mom, I didn't ask for this life.
I would have been in Nigeria sooner than later. Sooner than later, brother. I would have done primary school there. The fact that your parents use your home country as punishment is so fucking hilarious to me. You have no idea. Every African does it. I'm surprised. To be fair, it's because you live with your mum. I'm surprised. If you had lived with your dad, maybe it could have been different. Or you think he might have sent me to Trinidad? Maybe. I don't know. He could never. He could never.
He didn't grow up there for a few years, but he didn't like, he didn't like go from childhood to adulthood. He wasn't born there. He was born in England, then moved there for a few years and then moved back. Very different. So he was basically like you. Okay. Yeah. And he did go to private school. He went to a public. Nah. Yeah. I don't know if he went to school. He was there. He was in fields. I've seen pictures of him just in a field. Wow. Mama's just acclimatizing. Yeah. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. That's hilarious.
Alright, this is a conversation Hey, do you talk to my baby daddy? Reply, who's your baby daddy? Kwan, she said Hmm, let me check my records Kwan with the dreads or with the waves? He's like, the fuck? He's got dreads Reply, oh, absolutely Well, tell him my baby ain't his anyway God, bro That's a conversation I wouldn't be able to unpack that Not only are you cheating on me You're cheating me with a woman who doesn't even know who you are
No replic... Not even replication. No... What's the word I'm looking for? No... Like, no direct recall. Recall. Nothing. Just nothing. Just like notepad ting. Nothing, bro. It could be him or him. Mine said, Kwan with the dreads or the waves. Is this funny? Because I'd need to know what Kwan with the waves looks like. That's what she was thinking. Who's Kwan with the waves? Oh, absolutely. I fuck with it. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
Live it. Live it. I'll tell him my baby is not his. He's going to be happy. Right. Because he's moved on. Clearly. Oh, fuck. Juicy J wrote bands that make a dance when he was 38 years old. I've got time. Really? 38? Bands that make a dance. Bands that make a dance. Oh, fuck. 38. There's time.
If the multiverse, if the multi-universe is real, I hope every version of me never meets you. Tough. That is horrible. That's tough. That's fucking horrible. This one, this is literally chess. This is literally chess. Go, go, go, go. Lie to her that I can play chess now. Sorry, lie to her that I can play chess. Now she wants to play me online. How do I learn chess in 30 minutes? Reply.
make her use white open up a chess app as white play her moves and reply with whatever the computer plays this shit is too easy you've said that before have i yeah have i yeah yeah 100 i don't remember yeah i do remember because i remember thinking ah i definitely don't remember saying that oh wow fair enough some girls are in bed at the moment and they have no eyebrows that's so mad to me bro some things are in bed at the minute look
That's it at the minute. Looking just raw. Like looking like. You're not the same human. Yeah. The fuck? I was watching MasterChef last night. Okay. And I saw the catfish of catfishes. Okay. So when they do the MasterChef in the open heats, they do some backstory ting. Yeah. No one gives a fuck about your backstory. But they do some backstory ting. And there was one chick we hadn't seen her properly yet. Mm-hmm.
But they were doing her intro. She was narrating and they were just running pictures of her life. Okay, okay. I saw a picture of her and her kids and she looked a bit buff. And then it flicked to her actually talking in the master kitchen. And I was literally like, who the fuck is that? Who the fuck is... Bro, literally, I was like, I had to rewind it. I was like, who the fuck is that? This filter ting or whatever she did in that picture. I was like, that's a piss take. That's a fucking piss take.
Because if I agree to link you and this is what you bought, me lying about my height is the least of your problems. Me lying about my height is the least of your fucking problems. Because you've got issues and you're a witch. Because you can't coerce me into coming on a date with you when you know you don't look like that. Rags. How fucking dare you? Oh, bro. I remember early days as...
When I used to watch the UK office, there's a thing in there where they do like the Christmas special. And David Brent's doing some blind dating. And then they go off like a date website. And they go off some pictures. And these men are catfishing everyone. And my man's like, he's interviewing the camera. He's talking to the camera. He's like, oh, she said I'll know what she looks like because she'd be wearing like a blue scarf or something. And then he's talking, talking, talking. And he hears like a voice to his side. She's like, David, is that you? And he's talking to the camera and he looks...
And immediately looks back and says, for fuck's sake. And she goes, what? And he's like, what? Nothing, nothing. Nice to meet you. He's pissed the fuck off. It's hilarious. That's not the one. Oh, bro. She's not the one. Oh, I couldn't. Fuck's sake. Yeah, moving. I've got a few more. Almost squirted this one time, but I held it back because I didn't want him to win. I already know Bay yet, so I like that.
I already know Bayet. I didn't want him to win. He would have been gassed. He would have been gassed. Facts. I didn't want him to win. A Yat will hold down, like avoid an orgasm. Yeah. Just so you're not allowed to leave this room saying I made a cup.
Like that's how spiteful they are. It's a win-win. Yeah. It's literally a win-win. Not to her. She took it as an L. Rags. If she nutted first, she's vexed. She has no choice but to nut first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She'd rather not nut just to prove to you like, yeah, this nigga can't make me nut. This is the pussy for you and you ain't shit. Oh my days. Speaking of, assuming a woman had to reach orgasm before she gets pregnant, there would only be like 50 people in the world. Yeah.
Men wouldn't give a fuck. Men wouldn't give a shit.
What's up guys Thank you very much For listening That was a short clip From our most recent Patreon episode If you enjoyed it And you want to get The full episode Head on over to Patreon.com Forward slash Shits and gigs Link is in the description And once you're there It's going to cost you A light Humble £3 a month 10p a day Run the p You know the drill Head on over today guys And enjoy Thank you very much
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