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Welcome everybody to Stop His Rope. We have an incredible show for you today. Devin Walker, Michael Goodfellow, they're here. Pals of mine, SNL cast members, but just a couple sweet long boys. But before that, we want to let you know a couple things are going on. Tires on Netflix. We've pre-recorded so many episodes of this podcast, we forgot to mention that I'm on a huge comedy sitcom.
That weird that I was on the number one for four days in the top ten for a week. Hilarious. Shane Gillis, John McKeever, Gerbs, of course, Steve Gerben. I'm playing the district manager of tires. I'm on there. It was an incredibly fun show. Really fun to finally get to work with those guys. So go watch that if you haven't. And we also want to say, hey, thanks to our sponsor, Liquid Death. You know I love getting my freaking thoised.
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We got a couple of nice tall drinks of water on the couch today. That's right. You know what I'm saying? We got Devin returning, Devin Walker, of course.
And Michael Longfellow. What's up? What's up, Big Mike? Happy to be here. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. Yeah, dude. Devin was like, I will not come on with another homosexual after his appearance with Alex. Nah, we're past that. He was like, I'm done. We're past that. I'm done. Straight boys only on the podcast. Straight boys only on the podcast. It's about time we took it back. Really straight boys only. Straight boys only. That's right. That's right. Super straight. No more black people either. Only white. Yeah, yeah.
Straight white men. You're the only one. You're the only one allowed. It's like no homers. It's like there can be one. I heard you had Alex back on the podcast too. Couldn't be me. I tried to cure him, but it didn't take. It was just 90 minutes of straight conversion therapy. If Alex could be converted, I've never known a game. That's how I really know it's not a choice because if he could choose...
Yeah. He'd be the straightest man in America. That is true. Do homosexuals not perform well on this podcast? No, they do great. They're fun. They're sassy. You've met a couple, right? They're a good time. They are the funnest guys of all time. It's not even close. I love Alex very much. Yeah. And the funny thing is, Alex, because you're on tour, what do we got going on? Let's plug that up. I'm going on tour. I'm going on tour.
I love it. Everybody, I'm going on tour. First couple dates are sold out. San Francisco, we still got tickets. Chicago, Portland, Seattle. Come see me. I love it. James Austin Johnson, Andrew Duzmukes. You got three of us for the price of one. Michael, they said fuck you, huh? They're like, the rest of the cash can go on tour. They're like, you're sold out.
Those guys couldn't come. So here's just another white guy also on SNL. I'm also going on tour. Some of those shows are sold out. I didn't need two other cast members to do that. Come on, Dallas is coming up. Dallas sold out already? Yeah, Dallas.
Why not Dallas? Sounds like you could have used another cast member. Tell your dad I'm funny in Dallas. That's awesome. Yeah, go hit that shit. It must be nice to get to go on the road a little bit because it's like for you guys, B1SNL actually... Like, I...
It's so funny growing up. I'm like, dude, I want to be on SNL. And then you, your friends get on that show and you're like, that sounds like work, bro. That sounds like bullshit. You got to fucking work hard as shit. And then like everyone fucking critiques it. You know what I mean? It's like, bro, niggas are so mean when you're on SNL. Niggas,
mean to me, bro. It's crazy, bro. I'm not Eddie Murphy. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not the guy that you liked when you were nine. I'm just me, okay? I didn't think I was going to be here neither, bro. Stop, bro. Niggas will DM me and straight up just be like, why you suck on SNL so bad? People are taking time out of their day to be like, I hate you. They should bring Will Ferrell back. Bro, truly. I'm like, I'm so...
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best.
You said you missed a cue one time that somebody DM'd you about it, right? Oh, I didn't miss a cue, but I looked at the camera. That was like the second episode, yeah. I looked at the camera to see if I was in my right place, and you can see me just... And someone was like, that's unprofessional. Someone was like, another stupendous acting showcase from my fellow. Well, that's... Second episode. It is tough because you kind of just have to not get criticism. First of all, it's hard as shit to write that many sketches in a week. That's crazy. And then it's like...
everyone's ready to hate. And the people that are super fans are some of the like, it's people who like the office is a little too controversial for them. You know what I mean? Like the absolute super fans are like, are like down the middle. Like we love, you know, fuck. They're like, no, don't do any conceptual sketches. Talk about Mitch McConnell more. You know what I mean? Like, so that's gotta be difficult because it's like,
I don't know. I would just assume. I love that the world has come to a place where somehow putting microphones in your spare bedroom is an easier job. Like, this is a fucking funner comedy job than the most prestigious comedy property in the history of U.S. television. I'm like, I straight up would rather podcast than have to, like, wake up and do sketches. Good for you guys, though.
I love my job. Yeah, sorry. You are funny. By the way, I'm not. These are my boys. They are very funny, but I would not want to do that job. I'm too lazy to fucking actually work. You definitely have an easier job. Oh, it's not even close. I've never worked that hard in comedy before. You know what I'm saying? Or even in anything else, right? We all get into this to not. Because we don't want a job. You kind of should not get a real job. So much of it is just like. It's like the one real job that I would want.
And we work him. Yeah, we do. Anybody doing cocaine anymore or is that over? A handful. We need to bring the coke back. You gotta bring coke back. We need to put the coke back in the open. You gotta go Aykroyd style with it, bro. You gotta be doing cocaine. I think we should get... You wanna bring the coke back? I mean, if everyone's gonna do it. Because I feel like there was an era where it was like everyone was like
really serious like the like oh yeah they used to like fight with each other yeah but they were just like fucking everyone's like taking it like super seriously and like everyone was like trying to like you know where it's like it started everyone's doing drugs and who get and who fucking care we don't even know what's going on then it was like the biggest fucking show in the universe and now I feel like you guys have an opportunity to get back to drugs fuck
Do some fucking drugs again. Let's bring it back to the roots. Let's get it back. Let's do it back. Sarah could be doing fucking acid or whatever the fuck weird shit she could be doing. I wish. You know what I mean? I want Squirm to party. I would like to see Squirm. Yeah, she absolutely will not. She's a fucking dork. Yeah. Sarah's a fucking dork. Sarah's like a, she treats the judge, she's like a straight A student.
Yeah. What a fucking loser. Thank you for giving me this intel to shit on her when I see her next. Squirm shows up like if everybody else, like on Tuesday on writing night, people are usually getting in there like 2.30, 3 o'clock. Squirm is there at like 11 o'clock in the morning. Oh,
Yes, you fucking loser. She already has two sketches fully written before anybody else is in the building. Dork. She's like, oh, I'm me. The man can't tell me what to do anything because I wear fucking rainbow suspenders. And how about that? We know what you're really up to. You're doing all your work like a fucking loser. What happened to making nutsacks explode on YouTube, Sarah? Now you're tap dancing. Yeah.
That's fucking awesome, dude. Were you guys ever big? You guys, I mean, were you ever big coke guys just in general in your lives? Cocaine? Yeah, Michael, you seem like you got the look for it, maybe. Yeah, you know me. You know, that nose seems like it'd be nice snorting. It's a nice nose. No, I don't do cocaine. I mean, Vegas is Vegas, but I don't do cocaine. Were you ever a drug guy? Were you ever a big addict of anything? Pot.
Yeah, a little weed. A little weed action. I'm with you, too. I'm on a sober year, and the thing that's been the most difficult for me has been weed. It's not even close. Booze is no issue. Like, whatever. Like, I wasn't a huge drinker anyway. It's more socially. Like, I miss that one drink in my hand, and then, like, every, like, I was the kind of guy where every five months I'd get fucking really hammered. But then, you know, just if there's some big party or a wedding or some shit. Yeah.
I miss that socially, but yeah, weed, dude. And pills are fucking sick, too. But weed is really the one I'm missing the most. What kind of pills were you fucking on? Little Xannies, little pain. I'm scared of them. Oh, dude. I'm scared of the Xannies. They're so good. I've done them a couple times. One time in college...
A guy handed me a Xan and I thought it was going to be like a Mali. Like I didn't, I thought it was going to be an upper. Right. And I like did that and took two beers and like got lost and forgot where I was. Yeah, truly like. That's awesome. Woke up truly like without a single memory. And I was like, that's.
That sucks. That sucks, bro. That's how you end up in like a documentary. You know what I'm saying? That's how you end up in a documentary. You're like, I didn't know I drank two beers and took a Xanny. Like, nah. There is a good little Xanny period in college. You was fucking with me? Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. It feels good. It just, yeah, takes away all the...
It's awesome. All this stuff, man. I'm with you, bro. No, don't fuck this guy. Don't let him stop you. It's so good, you can't do it. Yeah, exactly. That's what it is about pills. And not just those pain pills, which are heroin. Yeah, exactly. Like, they're just little heroin. It's like, yeah, of course that's awesome. Yeah. But yeah, that's why I can't be doing those. No, I can't be doing it. Can't be doing those, unfortunately. But they are awesome. There's a lot of Adderall these days. Yeah. Yeah. Just replace cocaine. Yeah. Nerd coke. I know.
Yeah, I can't do Adderall anymore either. Actually, I kind of miss Adderall too for that. I love Addy. I love Addy. That's what we're doing here. That's what I was worried about. Go back to you thought it was going to be in Molly. Were you a Molly guy? Were you taking Mollies and rubbing? Rubbing my hair. Feeling this shit. I'm really doing this a lot. I've never done Molly. In your life? In my life, yeah, yeah.
I don't know what to tell you. That's great. You have to. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know why. How much longer do you have for your sober year? I got a while. What is it? Fucking... Well, it's June or whatever fucking it is. And you've decided you're sober on everything. Sober on everything for a year. I turned 35. I'm fat as shit. I was close. Like last year, I had those moments where I was like, I'm too fucked up. Like I was like, you know, I mean, I don't know if you guys have, probably not, where you're like...
I'm probably not going to die in my sleep. But I was like, I'm in the zone for it. You know what I mean? Where I'm like, where it's like, I got every pill in my, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I want, the joke I was doing for a while, but I had to stop because it was too similar, like a Louis bit where I didn't realize that I wasn't stealing. It's just how I felt. Where it's like, I wanted if I died for people to ask what happened.
You know what I mean? Like, if I had died last year, no one would have been like, did he get run over by a bus? You know what I mean? Like, there's no one that would have thought that. Yeah, they're like, fuck. I don't want people to be like, fuck. You know, like, oh, I should have said something. So, yeah, I had to...
I had to chill on that. But yeah, so that's what I'm doing a whole year. My 35th year of life. Okay. I'm going fucking sober with it. Okay. When you stop being sober, start doing Molly. I might give it a whirl. Start doing Molly. It is the best drug. Okay. It's the best one. Yeah, I think I've done it once. It was very fun. That's crazy. I did acid once. Oh, yeah. I was dating this girl for like three weeks. And we were like, let's not, you know, this is an intense drug. Let's not say anything crazy. Second we felt anything, we were like, our thumbs are in love. You're my soulmate. Yeah.
I've been with her for seven years. I'm currently with her. Now, do you think if you hadn't done acid, you're not together? We wonder that. We each woke up in the morning like, what did I say to this person? I kind of know. And then just didn't mention it. Wow. And kind of went on with it for a few months and fell in love.
That's beautiful, man. Imagine if you're that, but it's also like, imagine if that's all it takes for humans to be pushed towards something. Dude, right? That's all it is to find true love. Do acid at the right time. Jump into the fire like that. Yeah. I'm going to do that. Any gals want to come over and do some acid, maybe we're soulmates. You got to just kind of know each other. Yeah.
I can't know each other too well. What was the... How did you guys meet originally? My friend, Neil Ghosh, who's a comedian, ran a comedy show and she was...
helping like serve Franzia in the back. She was an uncredited waitress. Yeah. She's not involved in comedy at all. That's good. That's huge. I was about to start judging you so hard if you fell in love with another open mic-er when you started. Digital media analyst. That's so much more respectable than comedy.
I don't know. The double comedy relationships, that's a hard... It's crazy. It's a hard thing to... You just can't actually use. And it's also like... You've got to date like an opposite. Yeah, absolutely. I just feel like you see so many people do comedy and then there's significant others also doing comedy and then it's like, well, now they've got a podcast about their relationship. And I'm just like, this is horrifying.
And there are people, there are friends of mine who are actively doing this right now. And if you're listening, Rosebud, this is not about you. Rosebud, there's so many other problems with you and Andy's relationship. Don't worry. It's not the podcast. This is not about you. The kid's cute, though. The kid's beautiful. The kid's beautiful. Looks like fat Andy. Yeah. Two friends of the show. We've had them both on multiple times. Beautiful baby. Yeah, she is so cute. But I am like, that's too much. It's too much togetherness. It's crazy. I guess I'm...
I guess I envy it on one level. Sure. Because if you can do that and not want to fucking kill each other... You really love each other. That's huge. I can't fathom that. I'm jealous of, like, that level of connection.
but I don't think I can do it. I also don't podcasting is like, I like it more than other jobs. I don't like it. You know what I mean? I'd rather not do shit. I'm not one of these people that needs to do something. I could be on a beach getting fucked up my whole life. I would be happy if I was a, if I was a trust fund kid, it'd be beautiful. I know.
It is crazy. It would be nice, right? I feel like sometimes, like, I feel like in this last couple years of my life, I've met really rich kids who, like, also were, like, grinding. Ugh. And I'm like, how do you? I'm like, I respect it, but also, like, why? No, fuck that. God, if I didn't have to. Oh, my God. I don't respect that at all. I don't respect that at all. Don't fuck it. Unless they're, like, doing something good for the world with their. And the thing is, if you go far back, if you meet a rich kid in New York. Yeah. The money came from something horrific.
There's no way their great-grandfather wasn't involved in some kind of human trafficking, some kind of forced labor situation. He invented the shackles that they put on the slaves. Yeah, the locking mechanism. They used to be able to break through it with their brute strength, but when Thaddeus T. Weatherford got the double locking shackles...
And that's where we are today. That's why we have a townhouse in the West Village. We don't talk about that. There's no, like if you go to the Midwest or something, like somebody's rich because their fucking dad has five car dealerships. But here, the money's evil, brother. That is very true. The money's evil here. Is it like that in Baltimore too? Oh, yeah. You can get rich. Literally, the richest guy I knew was a guy who's,
The richest guy in my community in Baltimore, Greektown, was a guy... I love when a town is named after an ethnic group. It's beautiful, dude. It's so... Yeah. Because it always sounds... It sounds like you're putting them down, but they're like... No, no, no. We prefer it. In fact, we're mad Hispanics are moving into Greektown. You know what I mean? He said it. I was channeling them. I'm...
I'm happy the level of taco is shot through the roof in the last 10 years. But the richest guy I knew was a guy who inherited his dad's machine shop, and the roof was faulty and caved in, and he sued the roofing company. And that was the richest guy I knew. Like, that's how you get rich in Baltimore. You know what I mean? And I'm sure there is some, like...
There's parts of Baltimore that I'm sure there's some industry, but it's like industry left, bro. It's like there was like steel mills. That's what rich people were like. And it's like that shit dried up. All those motherfuckers killed themselves in the 60s when steel went away. So yeah, it's like the richest people in like a small town, it's kind of quaint. It's like literally restaurant owners and fucking car dealerships and shit like that. Yeah.
Yeah, the guy who did truck nuts. Well, Austin, I feel like, you grew up in Austin or around Austin? Like right outside. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. I grew up in the town they shot Friday Night Lights in. Oh, yes, that's right. We talked about that briefly before Alex interjected with something. With some big, big Alex story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The show or the movie? The show. Oh, all right.
I didn't know they were different. Yeah. The movie's based on the book, and that's in East Texas. Oh.
The show, I think, is also supposed to be in East Texas, but it's like a fictional town. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And that was my high school. But yeah, truly, the rich people I knew were like people who like owned a restaurant. Yeah. They like franchised like a Buca di Beppo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like they were like paid off for that. And they had like a pool in their backyard. Right, right. The pool was huge. You know what I'm saying? Pool was the marker for sure. Yeah, they had a pool and they got like a...
like a BMW for like their 16th birthday. Like that was rich. Yes, absolutely. Where I grew up. And then you meet people here and you're just like, oh, you're, you guys are rich in like an evil way. You could have people killed. Yes. You don't want to. Yeah. Power, true power. Exactly. Like power.
Exactly. Old-fashioned power. Yeah, you can, like, call a senator if you want to. Yeah, you, like, start conflicts. Mm-hmm. Where'd you grow up? Arizona. Arizona. Ooh, oh, Phoenix. Grew up in Phoenix? Grew up in Phoenix. Tough. Phoenix sucks dick, dude. It's hot as shit. It's, uh...
You love Phoenix. Rep your hometown. I rep my hometown hard because it's like such a weird place that no one. It's desert and hot. Yeah, but I left as soon as I could. Yeah. But it was a good place to start like comedy and stuff. Yeah. But what about being a child and living and stuff like that? It was just beige. It was just like, you know. Yeah, hot as shit beige. No grass. Yeah. Yeah, like you couldn't even play outside in the summer basically. You still would try though. Yeah. Like pretend.
to have a summer break and just be having heat strokes at the freaking park. And then, yeah, you just go home and play Halo forever. Why was your family just from there for the whole time? My dad lived there and, yeah, my mom moved there to marry him and then... Oh, nice. ...in Arizona. Fuck. I feel like
I don't even think of people. Love you, Arizona, by the way. Yeah, yeah. So, you know. It's, listen, I'm the same way with Baltimore where I like popping back in, but I'll never live there full time. You know? And you're never trending for a good reason.
Arizona. Yeah, yeah. That's both our hometowns. It is getting tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I feel like Arizona doesn't get the negativity that Texas... You guys deserve as much negativity as Texas gets. Sure. You guys deserve to be shit on in the same way, and I feel like y'all don't get that. No. Well, yeah, I don't know. For a while, they were so racist that it was like any brown person could be stopped by the police. Yeah, I did a whole report on that in high school. Yeah, that was fucking crazy where they were like, yeah, we could just...
Ask for your papers if you just look Latino to a cop. If a cop, if some fucking guy. That was a more popular policy than you would think. Well, if I'm in Germany and they ask for my papers, I'm expected to. Well, if I have nothing to hide.
What does it matter? That's so fucking funny. Sheriff Joe. We're like the only state where people know the sheriff. Big Joe Arpaio, right? Wasn't that his name? Yeah, sure. Yeah. And he was running like, people were like dying in his prisons. In pink jumpsuits. Yeah. He wants to emasculate you. He has pink handcuffs and pink jumpsuits. There's no way he wasn't jacking off to that. There's no way he wasn't jacking off to criminals in pink. Yeah. And they were having fucking heat strokes and shit. But, you know.
Dude, that's... Yeah, that's... Did you...
So what are the jobs? Because in my head, it's like you either, like, you know, an old rich person retires there. Yeah. Like, it's one of the classic go there because you have some kind of lung disorder and the air is dry. It's a lot of, like, Wisconsin people. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of people, like, are from Arizona. Right. Or, like, what are the fucking industries? It's like golf pro. People golf there a lot. Right? Seems like everyone I know is, like, a sports therapist. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's the town of physical PTs. Gym stuff, sports therapy. Yeah. And then there's like the guys with like the truck nuts. Sure. Someone's dad will be rich because he sells like boat parts or something. What do your parents do? My parents, my dad's a divorce attorney. Oh, divorce attorney.
Oh, that's a great thing to do in Arizona, actually. Yeah. Because it does feel like it's the capital of a type of swinger. It's like a kind of leathery... Dude. Before polyamory. Scottsdale is like the swinger capital of the world. Yes, yes. There's like Republican swingers that would...
spit on polyamorous blue hairs. You know what I mean? It's like the way you're supposed to fuck another man's wife, not the fucking gay Biden way. We all get together, we eat fucking spinach artichoke dip on the deck, and we all fuck Mike's wife like Americans. You know, sorry to say Mike. I was just a fictional name. I wasn't saying it was your wife. I'm sorry.
Yeah, Scottsdale has that going, right? Yeah, Scottsdale's got a lot of, like, cougars. Wow. Dude, divorce attorney is an interesting thing because that's got... Do you bring... You're around divorced energy constantly. Oh, yeah? You're around people that hate each other that once... Where there was once the highest levels of love, there is now hate. But there's silver linings. My dad, his current wife, he did her case. So there is...
Love dies, but it also opens a new door. Totally. It's like the guy who works at the receiving part of the Goodwill, and he's like, whoa, someone's throwing away Gucci? I'm keeping this for me. He's retired now, so I can say that. That's fucking awesome. You know her ex-husband's so mad. You know her ex-husband's so upset.
They was already getting divorced and then one day my guy popped up on Facebook to see if he got any new friend requests. He's like, oh, she's fucking a lawyer now? God damn it. She's not going to let me have nothing.
They met a couple times. Yeah, yeah. At official legal proceedings. Crazy. You fucking shake it. You shake the... Your actions led your ex-wife directly to the man who now fucks her. He got that dog in him. Now, do you ever ask your, I guess, stepmother, do you know the details of why they got divorced?
My first is first, what, my mom and... No, no. He's had a couple wives. Oh, nice. So he went into the industry he loves. Yes. He did, yeah. You love pizza. It was like a joke I would do, and Stan's like, he walks the walk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want that, though. You know what I mean? I went to a doctor for sleep apnea. That motherfucker uses CPAP. He can really talk to me about it. Your dad really knows how to talk to divorced people. Yeah, dude. I want some married guy. No, some guy in love with his wife. This is a whore. I want someone who's going to help me make sure that whore doesn't get the house. You know? Who's been there before. He was like, if infidelity can't be proven, the most she'll get is 30%. Ha ha ha!
And it's very hard to prove. Text messages are not enough. That's fucking awesome. Respect. That is more, and I'm not accusing your dad of being a red-pilled guy, but that's one of, it's like, well, you could. Swallow one of those big old multivitamin red pills. You absolutely could. You absolutely could, and I don't think anybody would blink an eye. You got the merch now. He's got the mugs. That's the way to do it. Like, I,
a point I like to talk about is like firefighters like if you're a racist be a firefighter yep because no one knows that you're fucking racist right if you're a misogynist be a divorce lawyer you can get women you can fuck women over and people are just like well he's just a good attorney sure you know what I mean that's what he has to do and then you can also literally fuck them in their lowest moments when they've been cheated on
You can swoop in. He's got it all figured out. I'm going to guess a great role model that dealt no psychological problems to you whatsoever. Thanks, Dad. Love you, Dad.
How many do you love, Dad? Yeah, that sounds good. I mean, look. But you know. You were up to some stuff, Pop. You know what you did. He married this one lady for like a year. She still got her last name. Really? That's weird, right? That's a weird move. One year. One year. What was her other last name? What was her original last name? It's a cool name. I can't remember. Because I feel like she might have just upgraded name-wise. I can't even remember my ex-stepbrother's name. Ha ha.
That's awesome that you have ex-step siblings. Shared a room with him. Remember fighting over the Batman and Spider-Man covers because we each wanted Spider-Man. Wow, really? And he got Spider-Man. Wow. I don't remember his name. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Dude, he's dead to me. That's not even a relationship most people have is ex-siblings. Yeah. But you got him.
We spent Christmases together. I mean, it's a powerful name. I would, you know, Longfellow, that's nice. It's good. You know, it's got a little something to it. Yeah, I like it now. Yeah. We were growing up. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're tall? Who knows? It's always like, you know, in roll call, they'd be like Longfellow and people would be like, fucking Longfellow. Silly ass name.
I guess it is like a medieval peasant style. He's a long fellow. Calm down. Damn, dude. How many step siblings filtered in and out? I had two ex-ones and now I have two stepbrothers. Oh, nice. That are current. You let you fuck with the stepfamily? Yeah. We fucking hated each other growing up. We're good now. We're good now. Well, dude, how... I mean...
That's not... The fact that you had that many... Dude, it was like I would get cozy in my house, and then he would move in some new fucking people. Like, that's so... And my stepbrothers were... I was, like, 11 or something, and they're, like, 13 and 15, so they're, like, douchebags. Immediately alphaing you, stronger than you. Yeah, I, like, can't play Grand Theft Auto with them. It's your house.
It was like bullies just moved into my house. Yeah, you're dead. Listen, son, I know these kids are going to make your life bad, but their mom's pussy's top notch. You're going to have to take one for the team. I had like double eyes. My mom's house, I was like fun and spunky. And then my dad's, I was just like quiet. You're Harry Potter. Every time I would talk, my stepbrother would be like, cool. Oh, so cool. I'm not going to talk anymore.
That's so fucking hilarious that just getting a bully dropped into your life in your sanctuary. And a funny bully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he was funny. Yeah.
It sucked. Oh, fuck. On mom's side, what did we have? She ever get remarried or anything like that? Yeah, I had one stepdad. He just came out last week. He's not my stepdad anymore, but he was. My parents got divorced when I was like one. Okay. So I felt like I always had like two dads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big John. Big John. And then there was a couple, you know, a couple other guys have filtered in after Big John. Now there's Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry.
Shout out to Terry. Shout out to Terry. Those are classic guys who date your mom names, Big John and Terry. Big John and Terry. Complete opposites. Everyone my mom's dated is so opposite. Interesting. She wants a little, you know, taste pack. Yeah. A little variety pack, you know what I mean? Longfellow has a ton of jokes about Terry and I want to meet him. Yeah, he's fascinating. He's like a nudist, kind of. Yeah. Yeah.
I want to know this man. Like I have to lie in my stand up joke about how many times I've seen him naked. I've seen him naked like a hundred times. He just was around the house. Dude he does like yoga in her backyard and then he'll like skinny dip. Sunning the perineum. Yeah. He keeps a wonderful backyard.
But he just walks on a big foot with his dick out. Oh, yeah. What's his hair situation? I imagine him down. He's got like long. He kind of looks like Fabio. He's ripped, but he's got gout. Oh, interesting. He's got a little belly. Yeah, he's shredded, but he's kind of just crushing bruise all day. That's pretty funny. So he's a piece of ass, Terry. Yeah, he's a piece of ass. Wow. Terry, you're a piece of ass for sure. Okay. I was 100% expecting him not to be ripped. Yeah, no. Terry, you think of like an insurance guy with like a collared shirt.
Or even like balding long hair, kind of a longer, bald pony type of vibe. He's like a very tan, buff guy. Is everyone in Phoenix? Kind of talks like this. Oh, nice. Love you, Terry. Is everyone in Phoenix? Everyone's in Phoenix. Wow, the whole squad's... I'm trying to get him out, too. Yeah, yeah. Will they? They either love it too much? I feel like people don't leave. I feel like that is where people go to stay.
It's astounding. Yeah. The whole state of Arizona is gorgeous, but we built our city in June. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Arrakis. Yeah. Yeah, I've never... I've really only just been to Phoenix to do... Stand-up live. Stand-up live, yeah. Good club. I like it. Yeah, it's a good one. I like the little Mexican restaurant nearby. I had...
I had lunch there every day, all three days of the week. I do that too. I love doing that in the city. When you find it, you're like, it's not going to break my heart. I know what I'm getting. You find like a waiter that you fuck with? Yep. The waitresses were all hot at the time. I was there maybe two or three years ago, maybe two. Every waitress was hot. I was like, I can get behind this.
Like, you know what I mean? It's great. You ever see those Ted's Montana grills on the road? Yeah. I'll fuck with the Ted's every once in a while. I'll fuck with Ted's Montana grill. And then I'll tell the people in the city that I went there and they'll get mad. Totally. That's not what we do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, it's just a regional Chili's if you really get down to it. Big shiny bison sign, I'm in. I do like the big bison. I really like going to a chain restaurant in a city when I'm on tour. I really fuck with it. Yeah. I really fuck with it. I really like doing that thing where everybody's like, where'd you go? And I'm like, I have Pizza Hut. How do they do the Jack Daniel's burger here? Fuck.
It's Applebee's right by the hotel. What you expect me to not? I like when it's such a small town. One time I did a club and we went to like a TGI Friday's, the only place open. And the guy was like, I was with the manager of the club. And he's like, you see that guy over there? He used to work at the club. He stole $40,000 from us. And they're just in the same drinking hole. That's just what I think. Awesome. 40 grand worth of embellishment. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. That's fucking awesome.
Damn, dude. Cheers to him. He got away with it, it seems like. And he still gets to fucking have the endless margaritas. He's still, yeah. It's still Friday all day for him. You got your parents still together? What do we got there? Nah, bro. Of course not. Okay. Who knows? I feel like, how often do you have people with still together parents on this podcast? I would guess not much. Not much, but at least, but you know, their parents could hate each other. Sure, sure, sure, sure. You know what I mean? That's true. I didn't ask, did your parents have a good relationship? Yeah.
You know what I mean? No, my parents split up, but they had a good run. My parents split up when I was 16. And I was like surprised by it. Annoying age for them to split up. You know what I'm saying? It was kind of sick though, because then I could kind of do whatever. Like they were, I really strict parents are like very Christian. And I feel like when they split up, they were kind of just like, well, let him, let him do what he wants to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Get you a cup of black and miles. You know what I mean? We're breaking up. Here's a black and miles. Here's some condoms.
Get some pussy. We'll turn a blind eye to you skipping mass. Kind of. Kind of. Yeah, it was honestly kind of that. Yeah, yeah. My parents thought, they thought I was fucking before I actually was. Which was devastating. Yeah, that's tough. They were really out here being like, okay, like when you make sure you wear, they were truly giving me condoms. I was like, I can't take this. Yeah, this is hilarious. There's nowhere, I have no, I wish I could use this. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
That was crazy. Did your parents, were they pro you fucking? No, not at all. They didn't want to talk about it. There was no, and it was a sexless relationship. My dad was maybe, I mean, my dad cheated at times, but there was no like, and they never, there was no sex talk. Yeah, you could tell when he was on a run. You could tell. You could tell.
You can tell he was in a good mood. He would do his move, which was awesome. My dad had like classic horseshoe baldness, you know, but he had like that puff of hair, that weird little puff that he wouldn't just get rid of or cut.
And he would just fucking put hairspray on his, like, four Homer Simpson hairs. And he was like, oh, yeah, going outside. And it was like, yeah, oh, yeah, time to get a little fucking pussy. That's awesome. I love that you knew. We could tell. Yeah, I mean, it was like, well, I mean, I talk about this on my first special, but it's so funny because he literally had a heart attack. And it was like a...
I have to, like, take a look in the mirror moment. And he, like, lost a bunch of weight and started cheating. And he was like, what's missing in my life? Getting pussy. It's like, now that I've lost weight to stay alive, these... You know, I'm not saying my dad was pulling top notch. You know, he's a fucking contractor in Greektown, Baltimore, Maryland, you know? That's a good job.
He would go to these Greek restaurants where it just kind of felt like everybody took a turn fucking whatever illegal Ukrainian waitress was there. You know what I mean? Like, it just felt like she just... Like, those women, you know, they're like...
They're like, the youngest one was in her 30s. The oldest one is maybe 50-something. And it just felt like that was kind of the scene there. And then there's also ladies from the church that he kind of... I feel like he fucked a friend of a friend's mom type of thing. There's like that kind of thing going around. But, you know, who knows? That's what... I was aware of what he was up to. And it was kind of that same age where you're like 16 and you're just kind of like, oh...
I see what's going on. Because they didn't give me any talks about, you know, sex. But then you start to see what's going on when you become like a horny demon. You get to pick up on like those sexual vibes. And so, yeah, I was just like classic sex.
Getting absolutely no pussy. Just like... Like what they make... Like watching Superbad was a transformative moment for me. Where it was like, this is literally what my life is like. I am literally Jonah Hill's character. Except I won't get the fuck at the end. Although I guess he didn't fuck. He never actually did. But they made it seem like... He was on his way to fucking. It was like...
So, yeah, no. No pussy whatsoever. You know, we've talked about it on the pod before, but me, Eldest, and the team, you know, me and Eldest go back all the way, and we would just go to fucking, you know, parties and, like, just get drunk amongst ourselves, not look a woman in the eye. Sure. You know what I mean? It was brutal stuff. Who lost their virginity first between the two of y'all? I think...
Did you edge me out? I think you had me beat by a year or something. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yes, yes. You had... Eldest got close with an atrocious-looking bitch in ninth grade. Ninth grade? No, that's early. But that's what I mean. Eldest was in the zone. He was in there, and then it just never happened for whatever reason. I feel like you were close early, and then... What happened? You want to break it down? Not really. I mean... She was like...
I mean, I just think we, like, didn't like each other that much. Yeah, yeah. I kind of, like, got in there on the wings of a breakup. Yeah. Eldest was opportunistic. Was it the ninth grade one? Huh? Was it the ninth grade one? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was, like, tenth grade or maybe eleventh. But she was, like, a year older than me. She went to, like, college, and that was, like, the easiest breakup talk I've ever had. She's like, oh, you know, I'm going to college. You're like, no worries. No worries. You're busted anyway. Yeah.
No. All right, man. Imagine how fucking bad looking you have to be for fat virgin elders to be like, hey, what are you going to do? We'll get them down the line.
But yeah, dude, there was none of that going on. There was no... Nobody was a pussy getter in the crew. We were just all... Brutal stuff. Taking my mom's gold minivan, driving it home drunk after a party where everyone strikes out. Do any real pussy getters get into comedy? No.
I'm trying to think. I think some, weirdly. We must know somebody that was... Or did they start getting pussy once they got into comedy? No, no, no. That's definitely an option. I think it's kind of an old school thing of like, there's a type of like...
Because to me, the idea that a comedian is cool is the craziest thing in the world. It's not. Everyone is, you have to not be cool. But there is kind of an old fashioned style of like, I'm the fucking cool guy. Leather jacket. Leather jacket kind of shit. Like, I opened for Bobby Kelly for years, right? And Bobby was truly, I mean, he was fat as shit when we were touring together and like, looked bad.
And in his, like, look like Varys from Game of Thrones, you know? Like, that was his thing. And so, but this guy had so much charisma. And he used to be a sexy guy. He was like a sexy, he was an actor first, weirdly. And then he got into comedy. And he just had like this, he was always the guy that could fuck. He was always like a, you know. And he was kind of like, they had that kind of bond.
ball busting first just kind of literally tough who had a tough life like grew up you know like in fucking foster care and like whatever was in juvie he was one of those weird guys that got sober when he was like 19 like he had a problem enough as a child that he was like I gotta change my life and so I do think there is a type of guy that is just like
On charisma and that thing that just like gets into comedy. But yes, for the most part, I don't think anybody. Yeah, this is a way. Everything anyone does is to fuck. You know what I mean? And it's like, this is a way to get pussy. This is a way to trick women into thinking that you have value societally. You know, that's definitely the start of it. For sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it gets going. That's why it's like, oh, why did I love stand-up from the time I was 18 years old? Why did I pour effort into it? And it's like, yeah, I did kind of like it, but the first, I mean, the first person I had sex with was like a college girlfriend who I actually wasn't doing comedy with. But then after that, literally the next...
20 women I fucked was because of stand-up comedy. You know what I mean? Like, it was like just... Well, actually, I had one other one that was a wholesome not stand-up thing. And then it was just...
every stand-up just led me to everything. It's like, oh yeah, well now I'm definitely dedicating my life to this even though I'm broke and my life's bad, but at least I could be a loser who fucks. It never occurred to me that doing stand-up would help me fuck. I mean, it certainly has in my life in a huge way, but when I was getting in, I had no idea. Now, do you think just by being tall, and you played sports, just by being tall and
you could have gotten, you could have lucked into some pussy? Absolutely. I really can't stress enough how... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Relax, dude. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. You really can't overstate how much work being tall does. Being tall, you know. It just goes such a long way. Absolutely. And then if you're just not mean, I feel like you've lived that life as well. If you're not mean. I kind of, I've fucked up. I've never really swung comedy into society.
maybe once but I had like a long term girlfriend in Arizona when I was doing comedy and then when I got to LA there's like a couple hookups sure and then Kate well dude to me my whole plan was to swing this dick around after my Conan credit I was like I'm gonna use this you did Conan in like 2017 too when it was really like it was like 23 and ready to go yeah yeah yeah but then I you know Kate was cool
Well, I also, and we barely know each other. We just met. But just hearing about your family, it's like that's a classic guy who doesn't try to fuck that much. That's a classic guy that like you can go one of two ways. You can either become your dad or
Yes. Or you can rebel the opposite way where it's like, I... It's actually rebellious to care and nurture a relationship instead of constantly looking for pussy. Dude, that is exactly what it is. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm like, I just gave my dad way too much shit that I can't be like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. That was really astute. I mean, I get that too because me and my brothers have gone different ways on our dad where it's like... Because our dad was, you know...
he did all right. We're trying to get back in the zone. We recently had some lamb chops together. We're trying to reconnect. But like, you know, he was like, I have kind of gone the exact opposite way where I'm like, I'll, no one will ever tell me what to do because my dad always complained. He was like, he felt like, it's so funny when your kids, you tell your kids how trapped you feel by your family. Like that's not, a fat eight year old should know about that. You know,
You remember. Yeah, something that sticks around. You feel crushed by the responsibility of caring for me. Don't tell me that, dad. And so he was like unsuccessful in his business and he was like, and always talked about feeling trapped. So I was like, I'm going to succeed and I'll never, no one will ever trap me. I'm going to live like a fucking child to the point where it's getting pathetic on the other end where I got to fucking get into a relationship, whatever. But then my brother, both same situation. My brother was kind of like,
I'm going to be the best family man possible. Like, my brother was like, always tried to make every relationship work. The second he met a nice woman who he clicked with, he never had those constant thoughts of like, what if there's something better? He was just like, I want to commit. So it's like, I get that that's, you know, people could just, I feel like you either...
go hard one way or the other when you come from so much dysfunction and that that was just my that was just my guess you I don't know what's going on I think you're just kind of in the zone bouncing around getting some pussy no I got some you deserve some you don't oh of course I mean no I gotta go right now oh you're in oh okay nice how long you been dating like
Two years Oh shit Really I didn't realize that Yeah Damn Nice She's lovely Yeah she's sweet She's the best Nice But uh I don't know I feel like you were talking about Knowing your dad was cheating Yeah I feel like I still I to this day do not know If you ask my mom My mom will be like Yes absolutely And if you ask my dad He's like
How dare you? Me, like, truly, Tuesday, I've been divorced for, like, 15 years, and I still, Tuesday, do not have any answers. I would believe it. I absolutely would believe it. My dad, he's just charming in a way that, like, I think you could have done it. Totally. What did he get up to afterwards? He's remarried. Remarried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he go pretty quick?
He was like way in his eye. He was like dating. It's weird to like see her that dating. I like, there was like women, there was women calling our phone a lot. Like the house phone. The house phone. A bunch. Interesting. You know, that I like never met. So I like knew my dad was outside. And you're like 17, 18 when this is going on? Yeah, exactly. Were you living with him? Yeah, I stayed with my dad and my mom moved out. Gotcha. And yeah, that's my dad. That's a fun little gender swap. Yeah. Usually the mom has to. . .
My dad made more money so he could pay for the house. My mom was kind of, she was like a teacher. Yeah. My dad was like, get back in. I'm keeping the fucking house. It was crazy how they did it too because when my mom moved out, they waited until I had like a football game. I had like a football scrimmage and I came home and my mom's gone. My mom's is not in the family anymore. And you were scrimmaged?
I don't know, bro. Was it like a loss and then you came home to there? I don't remember if we won the scrimmage, but I know I lost my mom. That's so Friday Night Lights. That's so, it makes sense it was filmed where you're from. Yeah, man. It's very Friday Night Lights. We can't ruin the scrimmage. Yeah. He's got to get his head in the game. You know, the boy after the game. Yeah.
And she was just gone. And you're not a young kid. They could so easily have talked to you about this. Totally. You should have waited for a big play during the game and been like, son, we're getting divorced. Ram it up the fucking throat. If you get a touchdown, we might stay together. Probably not, but we might.
That's fucking wild. It was nuts. 26 can't guard you. All right, go. Holy fuck, dude. That's fucking hilarious. It is weird when parents are dating. It's like, I need my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. My boyfriend. I kind of hope my mom... My dad, I don't know what he'll get up to. I do kind of hope my mom gets into a nice... I mean, they're old. They're 70, you know? But, you know... You want your mom to be with somebody. I would like her to... I always... Yeah, it's like...
Just sometimes I think about why didn't they just get divorced a little earlier? Like why not? I would have liked a couple. Were they old already when they got divorced? Were they staying together for you? Huh? Were you staying together for them? Did they stay together like till y'all were out of the house? Dude, my parents got divorced like last year. Oh. Yeah. They were together my whole life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's the kind of thing where I'm like it's insane to like the fact that this is happening now where it's like, you know,
Which is good for them. Like, I'm happy for... Because it's like, whatever. You're just... Yeah, stay together for the kids kind of idea, even though, whatever, that's bullshit. And now it's like...
You know, they were together the whole time, sort of. And now I'm like, I wonder what they'll get up to. You know, but sometimes I think my mom is kind of like, she's kind of like the fucking guy from Shawshank that killed himself after he was free. It's like, you know, what does she do now? Her whole life has been taking care of an ungrateful guy. It's like she just knows the rhythm of that. Where it's like now, it's like I don't even know. I hope she gets into some shit, but I don't know. Has she done it at all?
No, and also my fucking grandma just keeps hanging on. You know what I mean? I stopped being mad. His grandma's still alive.
I mean, what's she doing? It's fucking time. I love her more than anything. She's the best. I'm going to be sad when it happens. I will be really sad. Don't get me wrong. But it's like, she's not happy to be around. It'd be one thing if she had all this fucking, if she had like, you know, if her body was going, but her brain was active and happy. And it's like, and she didn't even have dementia. She just is so bored. She kind of pretends to sometimes. Yeah.
She just stays. That's so funny. It's weird. She'll make, she'll pretend like, oh man, she's so fucking funny. She wanted to go to Greece and it's like, you cannot go to Greece. We ended up taking her because my cousin got married, but it was like the most harrowing. She kept begging for months to go to Greece and then we take her to Greece and she just does not want to be there at all.
She's like, this sucks. She was like, in America, she's like, leave me in Greece to die. And then she goes to Greece and she's like, wait, this fucking village has no AC. There's no fucking, I don't have an iPad. I can play Sudoku on over here. Like, she was pissed. You don't even got cable. This is ass. Dude, it was so funny what a bad mood she was in. And she was like, I want to go to the wedding. I want to go to the wedding. And then we were at the wedding and she just was like...
It was so funny, I helped remember. The eldest was there too, we went to Greece together. And I helped my grandma, you know, my cousin had this beautiful ceremony on like, you know, kind of on this beach. But it was like kind of hard to get a fucking old lady there. So I kind of helped her go through these rocks with her walker. And it took like, you know, it took us like fucking 30 minutes, right?
And then I help her back. Everywhere, I'm kind of maneuvering her everywhere. And then when my mom's like, all right, she tells my grandma, she's like, it's time to go. My grandma gets up by herself and just fucking scoots to the car. Like, when it's time to leave, this bitch was like, I'm ready to fucking go home. She hated every aspect of it. And that was the moment where you're like, I'm ready for this bitch to die. I'm like, it's time to go, lady. You don't want to be here.
And it's like, we can't send her to fuck. And it's like, my mom's got to basically, you know, got to be a caregiver the whole time. It's fucking annoying. I feel bad for her. Oh, she lives with your mom? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay. And then it's like, we can't, my grandma wouldn't want to fucking be in a nursing home. Right. You know? I mean, who does? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe. It's kind of nice. My stepmom's mom was in our living room for like five years. Oh, the living room's hilarious. And my dad would be like, why do you stay at your mom's when you come to town? Yeah.
So I'd like stay there one night and then I'd go out to get like water at night and she'd like wake up and be like, who is that?
And I'm just in my underwear. Yeah. And I'm this old lady in my house. I'm like, why the fuck am I here? Dude, an old lady that's not related to you? Not related to me. That's crazy. God bless her. May she rest in peace. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it was like. That's brutal. Yelling old lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I can't. I mean, I love my grandma and even I'm annoyed by her. But if it was some lady, it was some lady. My dad was dating his mom. Not even related to him. Yeah. That's brutal. Brutal stuff.
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Well, look, we all have a wealth of knowledge here. What we really need to do is help our fucking... It's time to give. Let's do it. Hopefully, we have a lot of divorce questions. Probably not. But you might be getting something here. I see you over there producing, little buddy. Oh, okay. You ready to go? All right, play us in. Hey, Stav and Eldis. It's Dean Guest. Gotta restart it. A little bit of background. A couple weeks... Hey, Stav and Eldis. It's Dean Guest.
A little bit of background. A couple weeks ago, I found out that my dad had cheated on my mom when I was around 12 years old. And it took me a little bit to get over it. I didn't look at him that way as a guy that could cheat or whatever. But yeah, lost a little respect there.
And then this morning I asked him to help me find something on Amazon and he pulled it up on his phone. And I see on the top, he's like texting some woman that I've never heard of. And also I see a message come in. It's in Spanish, but basically was calling my dad, like, you know, her love, like a pet name, I guess, or whatever. So now I'm not sure what to do exactly.
Should I pretend it never happened? I never saw anything. Should I tell my mom that my dad could possibly be cheating again? Oh, man. How old do you say he is? Not too sure. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
Damn, that's tough. That is tough. So he found out that his dad had cheated when he was 12. We don't know how old this kid is. He found out a couple weeks ago that his dad cheated when he was 12 years old. Now, that's very interesting. But he didn't say his age. In what context did he find that out? I bet his mom got drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And told him, because that's how I found out. I was 15. Yeah.
Your mom hit a jug of Carlo Rossi. Just be happy for the chip on your shoulder that you've been given. There's not much to do. That's tough, yeah. So basically, your dad's still up to his old ways. Yeah. I mean, I think you're probably actually right that somebody must have told him it must be the kind of thing that everybody in the family knows and maybe got over. Yeah.
Fuck. And he sounds really young, right? He said when he was 12. Yeah, he sounds like he's maybe like 18 or something like that.
Don't tell your mom, buddy. Well, she's trying now. She knows that man. You know what I'm saying? He didn't change. She knows that. But she loves him and she's decided, okay. Or she might not even love him. I mean, you could bring it up to her and have a discussion about it. I think that might be worthwhile. I don't know. Depends on what you think you need to do to fix this. Well, putting ourselves back in the... Let's say we were...
let's say we're like teenagers, right? We've all dealt with this on some level, it sounds like. Although you, they were already divorced when you were, so for you it's different, Michael, but...
For me, speaking as someone who was pretty sure his dad was cheating, but I guess I didn't have the smoking gun he had. I just kind of had vibes. I don't know what I would have said, honestly. It's also like, it's a lot to ask of you. Here's the thing. Here's the real answer. You don't have to do shit. In fact, you probably shouldn't do anything. Don't do it. And you definitely don't have to, don't feel like...
This is your responsibility in any way. They're the parents. You're the kid. You know what I mean? And so...
Welcome to learning your dad's a piece of shit. That's really what this is. It's an important moment for every... I would say maybe don't bring it up to your mom, but talk to your dad. You know what I'm saying? Just be like, hey brother, I saw it. So let's talk about it. Give me some manly advice on how do I avoid these temptations maybe that'd be nice. Or fucking blackmail your father. Get something out of it. At least get something out of it. Now you don't have to listen to him anymore. And you can do whatever the
fucking want. That's a great point. Yeah, it's all, all this bullshit's done for you now. That's a great point. And that'll feel good. So good. Deal with this, this betrayal of trust by more negativity. Start getting fucked up. You don't got to anymore. You don't got to do anything this fucking guy tells you. Pick up that guitar, bro. I feel like, just remember whatever pet name he called that woman in Spanish, just have that locked and loaded. And anytime he says some shit, you'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be like,
You bust that word out. That's a good one. You bust that word out and then he's quiet. That's good, yeah. Dude, you don't fucking have to drive yourself crazy here. You're the kid here. And yeah, blackmail him. Don't listen to him. He does not control you anymore. And it's like, yeah, you've just... Welcome to living the rest of your life with the knowledge that your father's a fucking piece of shit. It happens to all of us. Exactly.
If he does love you, though, and he's like a good dad in the other ways, then don't like hate him. You don't have to hate. But you can be mad at this. It's tough, though, because it's like, yeah, again, if he's a totally good dad, I'm going to guess...
There might be some other areas of improvement. You know, no one's got every other aspect of their life figured out, but also just kind of won't stop cheating for 10 years or something. But hey, yeah, you don't have to be... It's just a nice thing to have in your back pocket. And you'll really work through this in probably 10 years from now. You'll really know how you feel about this in like 10 years. It really is a blessing in disguise. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.
This is how the world works. Most of the people you look up to are not worth being role models. Next question there, little bud.
Stavi baby, eldest, you beautiful Albanian bitch, and whoever the guest is, or guests. I have a bit of a predicament here, kind of long, but I'm going to try to do it quick. I dated my ex for three years. We broke up on good terms. We broke up about three years ago, a little over that. So still on good terms, still friendly. There was a neighbor of mine that she was always insecure about. There was genuinely nothing ever happening with me and this neighbor.
Uh, when me and my ex were together, we never hooked up, never nothing even close to that. Um, we broke up and then sometime after we broke up, me and that neighbor ended up hooking up one night and we were, we were hooking up for a while. Um, and, and now we're dating. And so me and that neighbor are now dating.
And obviously they obviously know my ex, my ex knew them. Um, and, and so my now current partner would prefer me to tell my ex that we're dating. And obviously I should, that's, that's a reasonable request. Um, but I was, I was actually planning on the, I don't really see my ex very often. Like once in a blue moon, like, uh,
to watch my cat for me sometimes if i leave the town or whatever you don't need that uh but you don't have other friends the next time i was going to see my ex i was going to let her know hey me and the neighbor are dating now what are you going to say because i'm not doing anything wrong but that might make her feel some type of way pause this for a second man but
What were you going to say? Hey, you were right. Your greatest insecurity in our relationship that I kind of gaslit you about and won't even admit to myself now. Like his fuck at the beginning of his call is like, we never did anything when we were dating, but you fucked her immediately after you broke up.
She's 100% in the right. At least admit that. Anyway, yeah, what are you going to tell her? Hey, you were right about that. Anyway, if you see her fucking it, if you see her at Target, give her a hello and let her know. And think about the fact that she is sucking me off now. What did you mean she knows her? Because they were neighbors? Yeah.
That's how he knows her? Maybe they just saw each other in the hallway. But that's not knowing. That's not a fucking... It feels like this guy's... There's something deeper about this relationship that he's living out. Did they know each other beforehand? Yeah, I feel like they knew each other in some kind of way. So let me get this straight. Let's say I'm dating a woman and our fucking downstairs neighbor, she thinks I have chemistry with her. And then I break up with her
I fuck the neighbor. This person she only knows from in the hallway sometimes. She asked me to clear it with my ex. That's insane. They have to know each other a different way. Yeah. Right? He just don't want to talk about the full story. Something else is going on here. My neighbor is her cousin, by the way. My neighbor is her identical twin sister. My neighbor is her stepmother. We met when they were moving in. Her stepmother raised her since she was like 12 years old.
And like now, you know what I'm saying? It's like, there's more, there's more. There's something. Oh, there's, it looks like he's going to be juicy here in a second. Okay. He gets into some more. All right, let's start, sorry to cut him off, but let's go. What else we got here? So, Mike called me last week. Um,
in the midst of a full-on mental breakdown. And, like, had to go home to her parents, was committed to a facility, and, yeah, I was there for a week. And she's out of that facility now and, you know, is doing a lot better, is on medication now. But, you know, wanted to, like, meet up and buy me a beer as a thank you for, like, talking her through that a little bit when she, like, scared the shit out of me. She was really...
saying some crazy ass shit but um obviously i don't really want to go out for a beer with my ex given i'm in a relationship now and i do want to tell the at my ex but i'm afraid that hearing that like i'm dating the person you were insecure about at the time might like send her into a spiral and i don't want her to have another mental breakdown
But I also want to do the right thing by my partner and tell my ex. The right thing by your partner is crazy. So that our relationship isn't like a secret in that sense. So anyway, yeah, I'm fucked. You're not. This is fucking weird. You're really not fucked. Don't tell her. Don't do this. Yeah.
Obviously do not tell her now. She just got out the facility and you're like, yo, like, hey, I was fucking exactly who you thought I was going to fuck. That's actually my new girl now. And the Pope made me do it like you were thinking. Yeah, what the... That's nuts. I mean, okay, I am really hung up on the neighbor requesting he tell his ex. Yes. Like, I'm... Something is off here. There's like a weird girlfriend request of being like...
Like, yeah. That means something to me. It means we're official. Make sure you know. Either that. It will make this girl way more uncomfortable out of the mental hospital hearing that than your girlfriend having to deal with you not telling her. Right. So that's the thing. Either we have a piece of information that's missing that makes us make sense or his current girlfriend is kind of being sadistic. Right.
You know what I mean? Like, those are the two options I see. Because, like, again, let's put the scenario where it's just a downstairs neighbor and it's not someone they have any other pre-existing relationship with. Why on earth would you fucking... Like, flip it and be like, if you started fucking your neighbor...
And you were like, hey, can you tell your ex-boyfriend I fuck you now? It's like, what is that? What the fuck is that? It's weird. I don't think it's that weird if it's like, okay, so they're hooking up for months before they're together or whatever. But what relationship does a neighbor have to somebody you fuck?
I mean, what if he just like, you know, what if they were fucking whatever he would just tell her? She's like, oh yeah, my ex thought, you know, I wanted to fuck you or whatever. Isn't that funny? He just like, you know, leaks information like that to the new... So who, still, who gives a fuck? Like the idea that my... But, but, that plus her knowing like, they're still like talking on good terms. She's watching her cat. I mean, you know, maybe she's a little jealous or something. Okay. If it's from the perspective of, if it's purely from the perspective of...
hey, can you tell your ex you're seeing someone now? Or like your relationship with your ex where she sees the cats makes me uncomfortable. That's different though than being like, you could just be like,
You could ask him to take a step back in that relationship and be like, hey, I'm dating someone right now. We're a little too friendly. I still want to be in your life at some point, but things are pretty raw right now. Let's take a break from being friends and then let's reconnect in the future. That's so much different than telling her exactly who you're fucking. You know what I mean? That's what I'm confused about. But whatever. In any case, what he should actually do, I mean...
I wouldn't do shit. I think what you do here, yeah, I mean, you kind of have to give this, I think what you do here is like, hey, I'm happy, like, this is so tough for you to go through. I'm happy I could help you through it. I really care about you. But I do think we're broken up and it's probably healthier for us to like,
You know, not... I can't be your support system through something like this. I was happy to do it this time. I want the best for you, but I think... I'm seeing somebody right now. I'm dating. And I just think for both of us, it would be healthier if we...
Kind of went on pause Friendship wise And maybe picked it back up Maybe a little bit Where I'm feeling more secure In my relationship I still have feelings You could flatter her Whatever You don't tell her I'm fucking the girl That you were worried I'm fucking Let her find out about that On a story in six months Yep
Let her find out about that when you post a vacation pic. Let the medication really get in her system. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Let the lithium build up in her bloodstream, and then she can fucking find out who you're fucking dating. I gotta pee real quick. Yeah, yeah. Get in there, bro. We'll fire one up. We'll catch you up when you're back. Go ahead, Elders. Also, why does your ex need to come watch your cat? The cat thing is fucking... The cat's really strange. But that does feel a little bit like classic...
Keeping them around like a little bit. Yeah. Dragging it on. Dragging it on. Yeah, which is... You're like, oh, you got the best relationship with the cat. You know, the cat loves you, so... Yeah, yeah. I think it's also a little this guy like, you know, whether he realizes it or not, just like playing dumb. Because it's like...
On some level, you should understand you don't need to have your ex watch your cat. The same way you should understand you probably shouldn't fucking start full-on dating the neighbor that your ex thought you were fucking or something. You don't have... Listen. I mean, not that you shouldn't, but... That's different.
Who cares? Yeah. And listen, sometimes if you're dating someone that's not right for you and they're insecure about somebody who ends up being right for you, they're just a perceptive person. You know what I mean? Like, that's definitely a kind of awkward situation, but you can't disqualify potentially somebody you have a great relationship with because the person that it ended up not working with was right that you did want to fuck them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm.
But I don't know, man. There's, he definitely has played dumb a couple different ways where he's like, when we were dating, nothing bad happened. And, and like, yeah, the cats thing is crazy, but, and I don't know how old he is. He could be semi young. He could be in his, you know, mid twenties figuring this shit out. But,
But I mean, his dad, him and his ex were dating for, he said, three years. That's fucking crazy. And they've been broken up for three years also. No. Is that what he said? Yeah. We broke up about three years ago. Oh, that's fucking insane. Yeah. It's like, what? Oh my God. Why would you need to have that? That's a whole level of fucked up. Yeah. They were, they've been, they've been broken up for three years. Yeah.
Broken up for three years and she watches your cats? Broken up for three years is, yeah, what are you... Oh, man, something's wrong. Something weird is going on here. I mean, that's what I mean by, like, playing dumb. That's why you just gotta, like, cut your ex off, man. This person should be dead to you. You don't, like, need them in your life on, like, a friendly... Like, on some friendly level. Like, it's kind of pointless. Wow, that kind of complicates the fucking advice I gave him a little bit. Because you can't say, we need to take a little break here if you've already established kind of... I guess you could. If you've been...
You should just be like, it's healthier. I'm dating someone. I think we should step back. Take a step back here. But yeah, he might... That might fuck the person up. So you just got to be... You clearly have a weird fucked up enmeshed relationship here. And you kind of have to just tiptoe around things until she's feeling... She's on that... Until the meds have powered in.
And then maybe drop the bomb on her. But your current girlfriend being like, you have to tell her we're dating. That's something I'd like to explore more too. But whatever, man. Fuck this guy. Next question. We went through it enough. Hey, Stav. I'm a first-time caller. And I'm wondering if you have advice for a couple who one person, me, is a morning person and always wants to have sex in the morning.
The other person is a night owl, only wants to have sex at night. So then we don't have any good hours of overlap during the week because we're both working normal schedules. On the weekend, it's fine. We just meet in the middle, have a little afternoon delight. But how do we keep it alive during the week when he's too tired in the morning, I'm too tired at night? What do you think? It's a very relationship question. It really is. Yeah, yeah. Like, hmm.
Wow. You can't just sometimes do it? This is crazy. I will say, I do like to fuck in the morning because I feel like I have all my powers down. Me too. That's the best version of me. My dick is the strongest it will be until I wake up the next morning. That's true. And at night, especially when you're younger and you're out all night and you're getting fucked up, that is the lowest quality penis ever.
When I was younger, I used to be all about that. When I was younger, I was a night sex guy. I was like, yeah, I'm going to have some drinks. I'm going to party and I fucking go to sleep. Now I'm like, hey, I need to rest. My dicks didn't work even as a young man. So I really needed a full night's rest. I do think, though, if you're someone who's like, I only have sex in the morning, that's weird. That is weird, too, for sure. You got to mix a couple nights in here. But I think this is an overall...
Yeah, I mean, can it... It's just a logistical issue. It is logistics. Can you just have the fuck wheel like it's the chore wheel and it's someone's night to fuck when they want? Also, I've... This is a little... This is a little like, I guess, like toxic...
About the man But it's like You're too tired To fuck in the morning I don't respect that At all It really is It really is You're a bitch for that one It's like this guy Sometimes Like This is some old fashioned Like You know Almost like 80s stand up comedy Stuff But it's like
You pretty much fuck your girlfriend when she asks. That's sort of my, that's sort of my, like if I have like, I mean, do I have food poisoning or something? Right. I'm not going to fuck her in the morning. You're not going to groggily get pussy. Yeah. I don't know. You don't feel that like power of God coming inside you? Yeah, it feels cool. Like you're going to have sex? Yeah. Like, oh, I am tired, but for the next 10 minutes. Yeah, exactly. 10 minutes, whatever. 10 minutes for the whole thing. That's how I would bring it. Yeah.
I'm not tired. Yeah, it's not that fucking long. I relate. Yeah, anyway. So everybody else here is in a relationship. Why don't you guys kind of take the lead on this one? Because it's been a while. And whenever I was in a relationship, we never really had a...
It never lasted long enough to get into these logistical concerns. We just fucked a lot whenever I was in a relationship. I definitely, my girlfriend wakes up early and I go to bed very late. Right. So we do have, but we've never had like a schedule. Yeah, yeah. It just happens when it happens. Yeah, yeah.
Eldest? I feel like when you're like... I mean, you know, like being too tired to fuck or something can be a thing if you're in a relationship. But you kind of got to treat it like going to the gym or something. Like you never regret after you like go work out. And it's the same thing with sex. And you kind of like just do have to like force yourself to do it. Because it's like you do have to treat it like a troll wheel. Because like, you know, when you're in a relationship, sex is like more like...
Checking in or something. It's like maintenance. It's like making sure you're getting your oil checked. It's like a big hello. Yeah. Oh, hey, there you are. I missed you. I missed you. I've been missing you. Because you could always think of it as like, you know, whatever, we'll fuck eventually. It doesn't matter. But you have to actually work at fucking to just make sure you, like, I don't know.
Life is so busy and stuff, and there will be a million reasons why you guys might not fuck for a stretch. So just suck it up and get it in when you can. Exactly. There's so many other things that will actually make it harder that the fact that you just prefer fucking at night or in the morning is kind of insane. Because one of you is going to have a tough day. That's an actual reason, but just I'm a little sleepy.
I don't know. Find it, brother. Yeah, I'm sorry. We're not giving them great advice here, but stop. Suck a little dick at night and let him fuck you in the morning every once in a while. The weekends. I feel like the weekends is the answer to this. You know what I'm saying? Weekday, you got to get a couple of those snuck in. Sure. But like the weekends, it's like wake up on a Sunday and do a night, like have a nice little Sunday. Sure. But you're telling me this guy wakes up and his girlfriend is sucking his cock and he's mad? Yeah.
I mean, that's insanity. This feels a little bit like a... I mean, I'm not telling you to...
technically by the letter of the law, commit assault on your sleeping partner. But I would have a conversation. I have cleared it with girlfriends before where I'm like, listen, you ever want to suck me off while I'm still sleeping? I've given them the... I've been like, you have my permission. I'll sign. Let's get a notary in here. I'll put me on the stand. I will always support you for that. So maybe have a little conversation, but it just...
I don't know. I am a little skeptical about the... So, yeah, look, if what we're saying doesn't hold true, then, yeah, take it into a chore wheel situation and be like, all right, this week we get to fuck in the morning for you and we'll fuck at night and you just kind of have to prep yourself for that. Or we could cut to a bitch you're at right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They still... You could be paying me.
Every fucking, almost every week, there's an opportunity for a dick pill sponsor and you never do it. Right now, we could have dropped it in right now. You see that? It would be perfect. It would be perfect.
Yep. Bleep out the brand. You already on it. You're a pro. No free plugs here. My bad. My bad. No, no. It's not your fault. It's really this company's fault. There cannot be a better podcast to promote dick pills. That's crazy. I mean, it's fucking insane. I haven't got... You never reached out? Never. Wait, stop. When did your dick stop working?
When would it ever work? You don't gotta do it just because it stopped working? Yeah, when did my dick ever work? Really? I mean, I could, I still, I can still, I just, my dick, the quality of my dick is so brutal. Huh. Like, just, just, I, fat as shit. Yeah. Having to fuck, you know, I don't, I don't love any of the women I fuck. You know what I mean? It's not, it's not like love gets my dick hard. Do you think that would change it? Yes, absolutely. My, I didn't take dick pills when I was in a happy relationship.
It's like I'm friends with some of them and that's when my dick kind of works. Yeah, sure. That's actually really sweet. That's actually really, really sweet. I'm a romantic. No, that's actually beautiful.
That's really nice. Thank you. Yeah, I'm pretty fucking romantic. The thing that I've always... I've said this to you off the podcast, but the thing I've always respected about you is how openly horny you are. And the way that I'm like... I feel like I see girls sending you ass in public on the internet in a way that few people can do. It's a nice type... You can't be traditionally attractive and do that, but you can't be so ugly it's creepy. Sure. You gotta be...
On paper read, horrible. Yeah. But just have that little magic quality. No, you got it. You know what I mean? No, you got it. But if I was hot and doing this kind of stuff, it would be a big issue. Sure. And if I was just like, you know. And look, for some, some will hear me say that and say, he thinks he's not atrocious looking. And they'll be right also. But the magic, the fairy dust doesn't work on them. But it don't gotta. It's gotta work on just a handful of ladies. You know, that's what's important. Fair enough.
Thank you, man. Thank you for seeing that in me. No, I'm proud of you. It's really, you'll be like, I'm trying to see titties in Cleveland. Yeah, that was a fun era of my life. I would just do that and it would work. I have to, I feel like I just want to grow as a human a little bit. It's like, all right, how much of your life can you just, how much of your life can be just about getting pussy? You know, and I'm kind of over that now where it's like, that was a fun little run. Yep.
But now it's like, I think I'm in the zone to, not yet, after the summertime, of course. I'm not going to stop getting pussy in the summer. Come on. But like, but you know, come the autumn, come pumpkin patch season, it might be time to try and get a little relationship with my wife.
going. I think it's been long enough. I'm excited to see you apple picking, man. Dude, I'm ready. I'm a good boyfriend. When I'm in that zone, I want to hang this up. It's a tiresome lifestyle. It is. Constantly trying to fuck. You know what used to get me when I moved to New York? I was like really outside. I remember when we first met and you were just talking about how astounded you were how easily women fuck in New York. That
That was a conversation we had. And like, what show is that? Some like Bushwick. Yeah, it was in Bushwick somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, man, it's fucking awesome. I was like, I was like, welcome. This city, the women are the hottest and they fuck the easiest. The greatest city in the world as far as I'm concerned. I'd never seen anything like, cause also in Texas, like girls are like, they're like a little, they're a little more repressed. Sure. You know what I'm saying? They've got a little bit more of that like religious guilt. It takes a couple of whacks to crack the nut. You know what I mean? To get the meat inside. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, yeah. A couple dates and then it springs open. But I feel like what would always snap me out of like really being in like a slut phase is like I would really be, I'd be having a conversation with somebody and I'd be like, well, I'm only here to hook up. And this is a person, I'm like, we don't like each other. We don't really have a good vibe. I mean, I will say I have a good vibe.
I'm big on vibes. Yes. So the vibe's got to be good, especially in New York. Yeah. But on the road, it's like, what, am I going to be alone with my thoughts? Never. I can't do that. Never. I got to try and get pussy. What, am I going to fucking hang out with Eldis again? I see him every day. Sometimes I'll get pussy, then go downstairs, and we'll watch You People on Netflix until 3 a.m.
Yeah, we've had some fun times on the road. I've heard a girl gag when she sucking Stav's dick before the other one. I'm like, oh, brother. She's really putting on a show. She's really putting on a show. I know. She's really selling it. I know. I was literally embarrassed.
I was like, great. Because we were in a weird Airbnb where like the walls didn't go all the way up. And so usually we're in a nice private space usually. And usually or we'll be in hotel rooms. But this was like one night we were in and out of this city. And I was literally in that same moment. I was like, fuck, dude, I'm not going to hear the end of this. Let's do one more here. We got a nice one. What do you think?
This has been a great ep, boys. Go see the fellas on tour. We'll flash all their stuff. Give it to us, and we'll put it in the description and stuff. But, you know, great ep, boys. Let's see what we got here. We got something nice. Stav, Eldest, and Guest, fellow mid-30s Maryland boy here. I actually saw you at the Lyric last October. You killed my dude. Maybe lengthy, so I'll get right to it. My girlfriend of seven years broke up with me a couple months ago.
Alright.
Sounds great. What? Oh, here we go. Here it is.
My libido is way down. I'm barely jacking off these days. And I've failed to have sex with this girl multiple times now because my dick refuses to get hard. You want to talk about perfect for a fucking bad. I've seen my ex a couple times since the breakup. And if she so much as grazes my shoulder, I get rock hard. He's like you. He's like you. This poor guy. I kind of feel like my dick is just heartbroken too and doesn't want to work for anyone else.
I'm not too sure what to do or who to talk about with this, but I'm a huge fan of the pod, so I figured I'd call. Yeah, this is actually...
You couldn't be more in the right place. You got to get back with your girl, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to show up to her house, knock on the door, refuse to go, chain your, take handcuffs, chain yourself to the front door and say, I'm not eating until you get back together with me. It doesn't work without you. It won't work. I tried fucking the girl you weirdly set me up with and my dick won't get hard.
Well, let's start there, though. Honestly, that's fucking bizarre. Yeah. She recommended... Okay, look, dude. Far be it from me to tell... This goes against everything I believe in to tell someone not to get pussy. But clearly...
Clearly you're not ready to fuck Your body is telling you You're not ready to fuck Yep What you need to do Is You're on the right path Of all the other shit You're talking about Yep Like Getting in better shape Starting therapy Getting out of the job That's always Put you down Like
This actually could be a very good thing for you. That's devastating. Seven years thinking you're going to get married. That's tough. Brutal stuff. Maybe you should have proposed a little sooner. No, I mean, clear this for the best because it's better that you didn't get together because somebody didn't want to. Yeah.
But yeah, dude, you're just not ready. And honestly, the fact that you're saying no foul play, like you're still thinking about your ex-girlfriend. It's like she broke up with you. Yep. You're not... He's not a really good dude. Yeah. He does. Yeah, truly, truly. Like too good. Too good because at this point, it's like you could... This is actually when we need Eldest's red pill corner because...
You're okay. And I've said this before. It's like every once in a while, a little problematic misogyny. It's like chemotherapy is the thing I've caused where it's like it's poison, but it kills being a pussy. You know? And it's like just a little bit of it. You know what I mean? Just enough to get over this and then you're off it. You don't stay on red pill stuff. But to help you get over getting out of the blue broken up with seven years, you can think to yourself, fuck that bitch. Every once in a while. Yeah.
You can play Little Future and try and fuck someone, one of her friends, if you want, just to get, just to feel alive. Definitely don't worry about foul play or hooking up with an approved woman. Mm-hmm.
That's how much he loves this girl. He's like, I'm only going to try to fuck the girl if you say I'm allowed to. Exactly. Damn, that's love. You're fucked. You're fucked. You're heartbroken and you're fucked and you're clearly not ready to date. And you could absolutely, you know, but that's the thing. You don't have the same compulsions. You're not fat as shit and could really use a dick pill to get your dick over 60% when you're in Indianapolis, for example. Yeah.
And so you just need to stop doing it. You just need to stop dating. This is seven years. Yeah. And when did they break up? Did he say just recently? A couple months ago. A couple months ago and you're trying to date? That's raw. Dude.
At least a year you're out. Yeah, yeah. Six months before you even consider some meaningless casual hookups. At least a year for anything legitimate and probably, unfortunately, more. Like, that shit is tough. The rule of thumb that you hear people throw around is half the time you're dating.
Three and a half years is fucked. Maybe that's too long, but like still, dude, and I can tell you, I haven't even been in that many serious relationships, but like for me, when I was dating somebody for two years, it took me like...
two full years to fully be over and maybe even a little more like there's still a little so it's like it's all different for everybody and you're dealing with a particularly tragic fucked up one where it's out of the blue you thought you were going to be together forever so you're just so not ready bro that's it and you're really on the right path though because you're trying to control everything you can the like you know working out getting
Getting out of your job therapy. That's the shit you that's the shit We preach is like get a little post breakup glow up going that's that's the time to do it Reset your life, and then you're ready, and you seem like the kind of guy who wants to be in a serious relationship You're in your mid-30s You could be in something really nice as the better version of yourself by the time you're 40 no problem Maybe even a little sooner than that, but yeah, you're just not ready to fuck whatsoever
Yeah. Damn, dude. Date yourself for a little bit. Absolutely. And you'll know when you start wanting to jack off. Because he's not even beating off. He's not even jacking off. What are you going out for? He's not even beating off.
That's the whole point. You have to go on dates when your dick is just like... From the other room. You hear the chain. It's almost taking the studs off the wall of the chain you have it attached to. You're actually in also a nice place. I would love to be less horny.
I would love to be able to channel self-improvement. The science we could achieve. Exactly, exactly. You're in actually a beautiful spot. Channel your not horny, don't force it. Channel all that energy into your other pursuits. Policy reform. Yeah, absolutely. Start getting into politics or something like that. Change some laws. Hit up a lawmaker. Change your interests so much that you fear getting back together with this girl. Mm-hmm.
That's a good point. Fuck, this guy, couple months. That's... You're not even... You're clinically insane. Yeah. It's like when you get hit and it doesn't hurt for a second and then it fucking really... You're just getting into it. Oh, shit's gonna be brutal. It's gonna be rough for a few months. Brutal, dude. Can I bring up a point that I just thought about? Yeah. If...
If there's a girl that your ex-girlfriend is telling you this is the girl you got to be with, she not cute. You definitely can't be with her. That could be part of it too. It's not like a baddie. It's approved. If it's approved, she kind of thinks that the girl is below her.
Yeah, and even if she is a baddie, it's like psychologically she's still pulling the strings. Yes. So either way, either she's homely or there's like a fucking fucked up, still you're weirdly getting cucked in a way by this girl that broke your heart still. Yeah. Where she approves of you. And they know each other, they can text each other about how it was. Yeah, your ex is laughing at your limp ass dick right now. Yeah.
Block it all. Yeah. You gotta fucking... In a movie where they're like... They sweep for like bugs for like... If you're being surveilled. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like this woman might be wearing a fucking wire. Your ex might be getting everything. Sending all the messages back. This is... Approved is crazy. Although it also could be the thing where...
This will, you know, his ex feels really guilty. Right. And he's got a kind of cute coworker who's like, it's kind of like the situation from earlier where it's like, if she, she, she would have been intimidated had she not been planning secretly to fucking break up with him kind of thing. So whatever. Still not a nice thing that she's doing. Still not nice in any way. She's just trying to feel better about herself. And your, your ex should factor in zilch.
Until you're ready for it to factor in zero or, like I said, if you need a little toxic masculinity, if you need to sprinkle just a little bit to help you get over. Just a little drop. She needs to factor in not at all or almost like a, fuck her, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want. But it can't be, I will obey her wishes. Because you're not ready to get pussy if that's how you're thinking. No.
Tough, tough, though. I feel for this guy. Our hearts are with you, bro. Same, dude. Thinking about you. Our hearts are with you. Thinking about you. Thanks for coming. I think I'll probably be back at the Lyric at some point. Actually, I shouldn't say it yet, but that's a little tease. We might have some kind of show around the holidays. That's all I'll say.
All right. Well, that's a good ep, boys. Thank you so much for coming. This was super fun. Thank you for having me, bro. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for inviting me to tag along. Of course. Yeah, come back. Now, once you're in, dude, you're in the group. Now you can bring somebody I don't know. Yeah, now I gotta be in the seat next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go see the boys on tour. We will... We don't have shit going on. We're taking the summer off over here at Stabby Baby Enterprises. This has been...
This was recorded January 2023, actually. So this is really pre-recorded. We don't have shit going on. See them. And we will talk. Oh, JP Special is coming out soon. That's something we should talk about. We produced a special. It's coming out soon. You can watch Tires on Netflix, actually. Please do. And I think, yeah.
Well, whatever. Fuck you guys. We'll talk about it in future episodes. Or maybe we'll put in a little insert if we really need to plug anything. All right. That's enough. Bye-bye.
