Devon Walker and Alex English 01:48:52

Welcome to Stavi's World everyone. Holy fuck, I got my fucking boys in the mix. I love dropping the theme song on The Unsuspecting. I had no idea what it was going to be. I was really expecting like elevator, some jazz, some pop beats. Nah dude, look where we are dude. We're in the diner dude. We're in the fucking diner.

Pretend we're getting terrible service at a diner. We're waiting for some old Greek bitch with a lazy eye to come bring us pie for an hour and a half. That's the vibe. We're waiting on a waffle that's been sitting on the counter for 25 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyriakos is too busy sexually harassing the hostess to make your lamb. And that girl, she in high school. She in high school and he got a family. But the waiter's also very much flirting with the black girl that you might be there.

Oh, 100%. Remember, we would go to the diner on Sundays after the dinner with Marie Faustine. Can we start ordering? Because Marie is talking to this man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm mesmerized by her. Oh, I love that. If Marie went to Greece, the amount of sexual harassment that she would attract and also destroy. Marie versus that kind of...

perpetually horny foreign man that's a fun matchup I would love to see that's a fun that's a like I would love to see you know like when Aubrey are we watching White Lotus I haven't seen this season the scene where Aubrey Plaza like walks by herself into that other town and she went with the lady and then like all the men are kind of like circling her kind of in a weird way would love to see that happen in a movie

Oh, yeah. But like somewhere where I can protect her. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out of context, it sounds like we want something horrible to happen to Marie. We are not trying to get our friend and we want good things for her. We don't want her to be... We don't want her to be in the circle of her like vultures in the desert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait,

Stav, how do you feel about the fact that like Italians in America, Italians really like, they're so, in terms of like the off-white white people, they get so much more representation than the Greek folks. How do you feel about that? Well, you know, that's a great question. And I do think we're kind of, we are the like, in terms of the off-white, I think that's a good way to put it. Yeah, yeah.

Y'all are white people, but y'all really make it known that you're like, no, I'm this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Greek people especially. Greek people are really... Y'all are basically black. Y'all are kind of like black people. I don't co-sign what he's saying here. I don't co-sign this at all. But you know what? When it comes to the cultural sort of... Y'all have a specific kind of culture. Stop his black adjacent because he's from Baltimore.

That's true. Maybe that's what you're picking up on. This is not like a normal Greek. This is not every Greek man that you find. That's true. Stavros is a real housewife of Potomac. Hell yeah, dude. Absolutely. Yeah, we're kind of like, we're the cult classic group.

Because, like you said, we're a little... I would say we're, on average, less white than most Italians, especially in America. There's been a big... I think a lot of Italians are super assimilated. Where most Greek people, we cling on to that shit. I was honestly, for the first time in my life, I was thinking about it. I was like, damn, I might take Greek classes because my friends are having kids.

and I want to speak to them in Greek. I want to refresh my shit a little bit. It kicks in when you're in your 30s. You're like, oh, I do care about my culture and my heritage. But I am working on a bit where it's like, I think Greek people are, if we're being honest, we're probably the most light-skinned Arabs. That's like the real, that's like who we actually are. Because it's like, I think we only became white

because white people wanted ancient Greece on their resume. That's my theory, is that they couldn't count us as Arabs because that would mean they get democracy. And white people really wanted democracy. So there's a whole bit I don't want to spoil it to folks.

Stavi.biz, the fat rascal tourists out there. Check him out on the road, baby. These bids don't come for free. You better pay the ticket fee. That one's going to make the special, so I don't want to give it too much away, but I fully, I see what you're saying. And that's, and by the way, 904-800-STAV, guys, call in. We got, I don't know if I even said, Devin Walker, Alex English, two of my boys, so funny.

Honestly, Stav, I'm going to push back a little bit because as I get older, I find myself moving away from my culture. Oh, interesting. His culture is Detroit. That's what he's referring to. And, you know, I'm just like, you know, but there are just certain things that I tend to turn away from. Let me hear them. Like, for example, do we need the swag surf anymore?

Swag surfing. I think we're done with the swag surfing. I don't know. I don't know. I think it's come back around. Here's the thing, Alex. It was gone, but it's come back around the way you listen to the Beach Boys. I'll listen to swag surfing. That's our oldies, bro. We're going to be 80-year-old men and like, I'll swag. I'll surf. I'll surf.

And our knees aren't going to be able to bend all the fucking way. So let's just retire. We'll be doing an arthritic. Something really about it, when it happens at a party, my vibe changes. I get that. I think maybe you're more worried about it. That's just a clear sign of your mortality approaching. Also, some niggas have really gotten into natural deodorant, and I don't want to share that space with anybody.

I didn't know there was a swag surfing epidemic going on in New York City. If you're at a black function, the swag surfing problem is happening. I've been on the road too long. I haven't been to a black party. When you're in a black place, somebody who's been to college between the year of like 07, 2012. Of course. That's kind of our, what is it? What's the thousand mile? Oh, journey? Yeah, that's kind of...

That's our don't talk, believe it. That's getting played late at night. Sweet Caroline. Yeah, that's our Sweet Caroline. It took 50 years for black people to be carefree and frolic like that. It's true. All the black anthems from the 70s are all about fighting oppression. But it took until 2011 to get a fun bop. Maybe I'm taking something away from my community. Yeah, you see that, Alex? You're being anti-black right now. I'm becoming Candace. I really am.

I've said it for a long time. Alex is heading in the wrong direction. He's not. He's going to give him like 15 years and more money to let him change trash brackets a few times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to start. I'm leaving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Alex is from Michigan. And one time we were talking about Michigan rappers and he was like, none of them niggas fuck with me when I was young. I hope they never get clean water.

And I miss every single word. Listen, I love my people. I know some of these Detroit rappers. They are talented men, but they weren't very nice to me when I was younger. Because a lot of them I know from we were on the same page. Right, right, right. So I hold a grudge. One thing I love about Detroit rappers is it feels like the naming conventions are like something with money and something vaguely Italian. Right.

Like there was a guy Who's named Payroll Giovanni Payroll Giovanni Yeah Payroll Giovanni That's tight I love that And then Somebody was named Something De Niro Wasn't he Oh fuck yeah We were just talking about that We were watching a Yeah I forget

Let me find it. But you guys got some good, you have some good, there are some Detroit rappers popping off right now. There's a rapper. And don't let their homophobia stop you from enjoying them as artists. Oh, I never do. I never do. Wait, I forget what his name is. His name was awesome. I'm trying to remember what it is. It was something De Niro. I went to high school with this half black, half, I want to say Chinese dude.

Nice mix. He went to my high school. A good mix. Very nerdy in school. Like, got good grades. But, like, now he... I think he goes by a rapper named Young Sushi or something like that. And he's rapping. And this is something, like, he used to say nigga all the time. And I would be like...

Is this supposed to be happening? I know you got a black mama. Right. But like his daddy, I remember we was in, what he, a story that followed him during our time in school was that his dad like went to jail because he was performing illegal abortions. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That is honestly the most hood type of Chinese guy you can be. I like that he's doing crimes, but he's still working medicine. So his son grew up to become a local Detroit artist. I think it's Young Sushi. Oh my God. He's in one of those bulletproof Chinese restaurants in the back behind the bulletproof glass. It's Planned Parenthood.

That is fucking wild. That's right. Respect to him. Respect to him. Yeah, that is... I do love your... The Detroit stories of just like... I mean, my favorite story is that you literally were at the Malice at the Palace. I was there. You were there. That is an incredible Detroit claim to fame. Watching Jermaine O'Neal. Jermaine O'Neal. Jermaine O'Neal fucking claw his way through a bunch of Michigan hicks. Yeah. Yeah.

Really fucking the people that came in from the suburbs to watch the game. I was just such a hood rat, too. I was ready to always see a fight in high school. My dad was concerned. We should get out of here. The police are coming in. I'm like, no, these bitches fight. Did you have to scrap a couple times? In school or at the palace? In school, not at the palace. I'm not asking if you fought Steven Jackson. I had one. You know Alex was fighting. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Look at him. He's gay and he loves to talk shit. That's the kind of kid that gets in place. I punched one nigga in the face in high school my freshman year and nobody fucked with me after that. Wow, that's awesome. You gotta really show you crazy. Absolutely. I don't want to fight. Of course. I don't want to run away from a fight. Well, especially like, especially like,

a fucking inner city, you know, that we're all pretty much the same age in the fucking mid, late 2000s. Like, yeah, this shit was not, this shit was not very LGBTQ plus friendly. You know, it's like, it's like we had a fucking, the gayest kid that are in our high school, this kid, I won't say his name, but he was like, you know, theater, like, you know, dancer, like,

And people were fucking with them. They were like, you know, really about to fuck him up. And this fucking kid karate kicked him. Roundhouse kicked him. And was like going like, wah! Just a black dude, this kid. You know what I'm thinking? Flimsy ass, arms and wrists, don't got no reach, dog. Yeah, dude. We can fuck you up. Because he was a dancer. He was like fucking, he was jacked. And he's in shape. He was in insane shape. Exactly. And he was just, and no one fucked with him. And he was just sucking dudes off in like the, in like the fucking theater costume closet. I was looking, I was waiting on something that we had in common. Yeah.

Luckily, I avoided most fights. I don't think I got in a fight in my senior year. I don't think I got in a fight in high school. And I actually got in fights when I was like in...

elementary school when it was more you know we were in Greek town it felt like it felt like more tribal in Greek town where it's like you know there's like a white trash bully and I was like I have to stand up I have to stand up for the Greek youth like it was like race wars you know in that level inter-white race wars and he's Baltimore Elders Albanian our friend's dad wouldn't let him in the house so

I love this stuff I love your version of The Wire yeah season two of The Wire literally is what is where we grew up I've always been really skinny though so it's like people you know a big dude if you skinny and gay you know you were like a target but my thing was like my mouth

Like the shit I would say to people Totally, totally Would always get It would make people want to hit me Because They couldn't use their words Of course If I had tea on you If I knew your mama was a hoe Or something I was gonna make sure You know what I mean? Like I was missing a parent in the home too But if you were I was gonna be like Well you live in the projects I don't live in the projects You know what I mean? I would just go after them As something that I know would make Because Niggas often don't know How to use their words They wanna put their hands on people Exactly You know so now I gotta beat your ass And I just verbally lash your ass too

That's a tough one. Yeah. That's a tough one. I've been beat up before, so I'm not one of these guys who's like, I won every fight. I got my ass kicked. The first time I ever really got my ass, like, beat...

I was at the gay club. Oh. And I got beat up by a transgender woman. And you... I don't need to repeat what I said to her. Yeah. And also... You got a job to protect. I don't agree with what I said either. I will say that. I know the things he said to this woman. And I will tell you it was earned. It was earned what happened. I got punched in my fucking eye for the very first time. It was earned. And I think... I honestly think it's...

Most people do. I'm sure this has been said before, but most people should be punched in their fucking face. At least one time. It really shut me up for a little while. I got my fighting out of the way early, but it was definitely a fucking good lesson. That's fucking hilarious. I got a permanent scar on my right thigh from that bitch. Anytime I feel a little out of pocket, I'm like, she can show up at any moment. I would imagine that you...

like a bully but you had to fight because people you're big and people would challenge you

No, I mean people would fuck with me but like people didn't want to fight me I've been a big kid for a long time interesting, you know And so like yeah exactly And so people you grew up in Texas, yeah, okay, I grew up like right outside of Austin, okay Yeah, and so I grew up literally in the town that they shot the TV show Friday Night Lights Oh fuck. Did you play football? I did and so that at least that gave me like some cool shit and

You know what I'm saying? That's real cachet in Texas. Exactly. It kind of meant something. I was not cool on the football team, but just by being on the football team, and we were good. You had such status over everyone else who didn't play football. I was associated with it. For sure. You had the jacket, and that meant something. We grew up in that kind of environment. That's awesome. What did you play? What position did you play? I was a tight end. Tight end. There we go. Did you still have your varsity jacket? Probably in my dad's house. Would you bring it to New York and wear it? Absolutely. Absolutely.

I would never, ever do that. Truly, because I would see people like when I was in college, I would see people still wearing varsity jackets around. I was like, I can't be that. Or when I was in high school and people would come back to town and they would still have their shit on.

Because that's what it meant. Like, that's what it meant where I was from. Like, that's how important that shit was. One time I got pulled over when I was on the way home from football practice. And a cop literally saw my... Like, he was about to give me a ticket, saw my varsity jacket in the back, and he was like, oh, you on the team? Don't even worry about it. Wow. It was really like that kind of shit. Yeah, I wonder if they have that same...

when it comes to sexual assault. If I'm gonna guess, it's not just parking tickets that Texas cop was getting people out of. I was like, I hate that so fucking... Those motherfuckers. It's crazy that that's how much they love football, that it's like they would literally hide most... And if it was a murder...

Probably not if, like, the white quarterback got killed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if, like, a second string, like, black lineman gets killed, you know those cops are covering that up. Absolutely. You know, like, that's how much high school football means in Texas. And that's what level of athlete I was. Yeah. My shit was getting...

My shit was getting covered up for sure. Damn. You know what I'm saying? Damn. I didn't have enough receptions. No glory, dude. No hashtags. No TDs. Nah. We got to find Devin. Damn, dude. We ran an offense where we ran the ball like 55 times a game. So you were a glorified blocker. I was just blocking all the time. We would throw the ball like three times a game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like. How much CTE do you think you had? Bro, I wonder. I really wonder. I really wonder because my memory is already nasty.

not that good. I really forget shit on a regular basis. I got my shit rocked a couple times. I played football for a couple years. What did you play? I played nose tackle. Right over the center. Tony Saragusa? Saragusa, baby. That's it. The Goose. May he rest in peace. There was one time where it was like

We were out of town. I think it was like a warm-up game or something like that. It was weird. We were traveling. It was outside of the city. I think it was before the state playoffs. We played a scrimmage with someone. I don't know what it was exactly. But it was like...

They put in this second string center. Oh, you know what it was? It was when I first got called up to varsity. Before the playoffs, they did a game that didn't count. There was a point in the game where they put in all the new people or the second string or whatever. This was my sophomore year of high school or freshman. I don't remember. Sophomore.

And the guy playing me was like tiny. He was fucking small. But he was like, had something to prove. He had like a Napoleonic shit. And I was like, this fucking guy, I'm going to fucking ruin him. So I just, I'm not, I just try and go through him. And this like, he's like five, four, like small. And he's like picking me up. He's like got me by the shoulder pads.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Fuck this, you know, little cocksucker. And, like, I just, like, you know, I try and swim over him. And he stops me again. And then I'm like, fuck this. I am just going to fucking wreck him. And I don't know. This kid, like, deked me or something. He could tell my momentum. And then he just, like, fucking hit me under the helmet, snapped my shit back. And I was just, like, fucking standing there. And I was just, like, I lined up, like, in the wrong spot.

People were moving me over. I showed up. There was like, there is four minutes that I spent on a football field that do not exist in my memory. Because back then there was no concussion protection. You know what I'm saying? Like the coach would know you were fucked up and he'd be like, I don't worry about it. They would laugh at you. I think they could tell I had a concussion and they were like, ah, you got a concussion from the little guy. Like if you get out and that's me trying to prove myself, there's no way. So I just fucking ate the concussion up and just fucking saw stars. I tried to play football

One time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad that's funny by the way.

Motherfuckers, both of y'all. Fuck both of y'all. You got us on that one. That's the mention we were like, hand up, hand up. You got me. I was like, I tried out for like one of those, like, not for any of my schools, but like one of the... You're a Pop Warner team? Yeah, Pally, like a local local place. So fucking, I get hit one time. I was like, I started crying like a bitch.

Straight bitch. I was like, oh, okay, this is good. I guess I'm gay now. I was on the fence and this put me over. Football was never going to be my thing, but I did play baseball once. There he is. One time. Every story is you playing it one time. Because, okay, yeah, they would catch my hits. I would always just... But see, even though I would technically be out, I just...

I just always kept running. Just not how it works at all. And then I would like slide into home, play like I just did something. Like, yeah, I was very extra when it came to baseball. You're a showman. Basically. Doing back flips. Sticking the landing. The sport I absolutely was the best at was basketball, though. Out of all three. I don't know why you, this is so hard for you to believe, like I wasn't out here hoping we played together. I played basketball with you. That's why it's hard for me to believe. You want to tell me how I blocked your shit one time?

You gonna tell them how I blocked your shit that one time? Don't act like it's because it's not on videotape. You know it happened. You know I blocked your shit. I blocked your shit. Devin, is that true? I'm gonna bring up a video of Alex playing basketball. I'm gonna bring up a video of Alex playing basketball. He gonna bring up a shot that I missed. Okay, so what? No, but we'll see. If we have video of you getting your shit rocked,

Did you block my shot or did you rock my shit? Which one is it? Which one is it? You know what I'm saying? Because look at these limbs. This is not rocking. This is not rocking shit. Let's be honest. There should be more gay men in basketball specifically. Who better? You're right. The wrist. Who better? Come on.

Who better? What do you think this is? That's how you shoot the fucking ball. You need to use this in your wrist. That is true. Yeah. I'm just saying, more gays need to be or be open about it. We need gay three-point shooters. If you have a gay son, don't put him in fucking drama. Get him in the three-point line. Get him out of them fucking dance classes and put his ass on the court. I'm doing it. When I have kids,

I don't care about your sexuality but you will play a goddamn sport because I am trying to retire as a sports parent I am and I don't give a fuck what it is you can play football you can fucking wrestle do whatever you want but you're gonna be athletic you know what's interesting about that too is the first generation of gay sports parents that's me oh me that's awesome all day I can't wait

I've talked about this a lot. I'm like, I have plans for this little motherfucker. I love it. Whichever it is, whoever, he or she, whatever. Yes. You trans? Okay, get your ass back out on that soccer field, bitch. I don't care. Now we're talking. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, that's good. Parents can come talk to me. Well, your child is trans and we don't want them playing with the girls. I'll whoop your ass. I'll put my name on it.

I'm trying to get a scholarship. That's a really great character. He's the guy, he's a transphobic sports dad who's like, you gotta be a girl because I'm trying to get you a scholarship. He's like, dad, that's not how it works. Shut the fuck up. I want to be on the court embarrassing the hell out of my kid. But like,

Look, Gayle of our ball. I miss him. Gayle of our ball. I wish you were back. That's a character. I wish you were back. Yeah. He was disrespectful as hell. Unfortunately, yeah, there is something. I feel bad for the Ball family. It seems like there's a curse going through them. Are they going through hard times right now? I mean, LaMelo's been hurt.

Lonzo, they don't know what's going on. He said he can't walk upstairs. His knees are fucked, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's still like, he's like 25. Yeah, no, there's some kind of... Michael Jordan put a curse on them niggas. Yeah, there's something. Something's going on. Talking about that shit. Yeah, let's check it out. One day I gotta go through Devin's phone and delete any sort of reference to me. Because he has a lot of... Ooh, that's a tough one, I will say. But you look joyful. Yeah.

You're playing with a lot of piss ass. I love the idea of your mom coming up to the coach and be like, how's he doing at practice? And he's like, I don't know. He's got a lot of flair. There's a spiciness to what he does out there. The only reason them motherfuckers put me on the team was so they could look at my mama. That's the only reason. Interesting. Sometimes I think about other boys that didn't get picked over me. Oh, wow. The future. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Forrest Gump's mom was sucking dick to get him into public school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? To public school. I was like, how stupid did that make it? They couldn't even put him in a separate... They don't have special ed? You know what I'm saying? He's like, we have special... He doesn't tell her that every retarded kid gets to go to school. He's like, oh yeah, I could pull some strings. That's crazy.

So do you have any hilarious, like, did your mom ever hook up with anybody, like a teacher or a coach or just...

My mom is married to a dude who's a teacher in my school. He's never my teacher, but he used to work. I was in the fifth grade. Okay. He used to teach third or fourth grade. Oh, yeah. My mama was in a relationship at the time, so she would pick me up from school. At one point, I remember him being like, oh, pulling me out of my homeroom to take me. He was like, I'm going to take him downstairs. Okay.

Because apparently he'd be watching from the window or something. Respect. And he like, I remember him like walking. I'm like, what the hell is Mr. Smith? Is he not even your teacher? Not even my teacher. You never had him? That's crazy. Never had him. And he was like, I'm going to go talk to her. Damn. I'm like, yeah.

My guy was shooting shots from half court. Yo, my guy was shooting crazy. And now they're married? But he was in the friend zone for a long time because my mom was in a relationship. But then that ended. Oh, good for him. He stuck around. Then she got into a second relationship before him. So she just kind of kept this nigga at the peripheral. Like, okay, I see you over here. My stepdad went to my mother's bridal shower for the guy she was engaged with before him. He went as like a guest there.

Wow Yeah That's a fucking Honestly that is a Friendzone success story He like kept At what cost Yeah You know for years Your mom's getting Dicked down by other guys And it's hurting his feelings Yeah

But he's still there Buying her a nice dress One day she gonna break up with this nigga Signing a card Best wishes to you and Frank Or whatever Meanwhile he's fucking you know Doing voodoo Hoping this guy dies It worked That second That hurt The guy she got in Cause the first one was her boyfriend The second one She got engaged to And we ended up moving in with that motherfucker And I hated him Mmm

He was doing weird shit, like looking up my biological father's record. Get the fuck out of here. His criminal record and stuff like that. Trying to get information because he worked for the jail system. That's crazy. So he was doing a lot of weird shit like that. I'll never forget the one time I woke up. Because when we moved in, I moved. This is going to sound crazy, but I basically moved up into the attic. Because that was the only place I had a space. His house was so fucking small.

So then I'm trying to move in Me and my mom They're like We used to be in bigger shit That's crazy Yeah yeah yeah You're downgrading us They gave my man the Harry Potter That's crazy That's crazy I walk downstairs one morning And you know This is like What

7th grade 8th grade So you know Dick is starting to get hard In the morning Sure of course He's doing his thing Of course So I remember I had on these Plaid Tommy Hilfiger boxes right And I wake up from The attic And I'm like wiping the crust On my eyes And it's probably like 11 It's probably 11 on a Saturday morning 98 degrees Cause there's no window It was summertime It was summertime So it was like I was like Wiping my eyes out Dick was hard But I wasn't adjusting And my mom's fiance And his brother Was sitting in the living room And I'm just like

oh shit. And they both were looking just mouth dropped. Not unlike the first time. Hilarious. Me and my mom used to live alone. It was just me and her and then the boyfriend's shit before that. I just like totally saw him naked one time. Like he was coming out of the bedroom. I was coming out of my bedroom. They were right, my mom and her bedroom were right next to each other. And I saw this nigga's dick just flopping against the door. And I was like, damn. Fresh. I've had that exact same situation happen. Your dad? No, no, well. Well.

Everybody's seen their dad's dick at some point. Of course. That's just like part of being. But not in a sexual, not in a post-sex. My dad would just walk around naked after like a shower. Okay. That was his move. When my biological father got out of prison and he moved into his house and I started going over there, I was taking a shower once and he just like comes into the bathroom and opens up the shower door on me. I'm like, nigga, I know you just got out of jail, but we don't do that. He'd become so comfortable with the male form. Like what the fuck? Just,

Just to ask me if I wanted something to eat. I'm like, you couldn't wait until I was done? Ridiculous. Goddamn. How long was he in jail when you were a little kid? He went to jail when I was two and got out when I was around 11 or 12. He actually, this is crazy. You ever heard of Big Meech, the BMF? Of course. My dad was like, basically, that's why he went to prison because he was basically in, he was very close to those people. He was selling to him and my uncle in the 80s.

actually, Stars, and I am not plugging this shit at all. Check out his newest mixtape. Stars, Stars, Stars, uh, fucking did, like, some documentary recently on BMF and Big Meech. Oh, wow. Because, like, 50 Cent produced, like, Power Under the Eye, that shit about BMF. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad was interviewed on that shit. Get the fuck out of here. And they were using pictures of my uncle, but I think, I think,

think there's a picture of my mom and my dad on there with her face blurred out and I'm like yeah she don't want to be associated with this ghetto ass shit yeah yeah yeah I asked her about it did you watch it and she was like yeah and it made me mad and it makes me mad too because when he was telling me about it I'm like if this nigga gets famous before me I'm gonna throw a fucking fit he gets famous for the reason that your life was fucked up yeah

Actually, though, it's great that he went to jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he was abusive and he was a fucking cocaine dealer and that was dangerous. Of course. And honestly, I owe Ronald Reagan. I really do. You're on your, the Candace Owen arc. I can't.

Anti-swag surfing. I'm telling you. Bro, the war on drugs. I'm telling you. I can't speak for the hundreds of thousands of young black kids whose fathers were snatched out of their lives. I mean, it wasn't like it was going to get any better for you. You know what I mean? You're the one. I think Ronald Reagan really did me a solid. It's because this is why I'm here. Look at what happened. Here's what you're missing. That's why I'm here. Yeah.

Thank you, Roderick. You're missing probably one really cute baby picture of you in a Pelly Pelly tracksuit and like a huge gold rope chain. That's all he took from you. And like the Marbury cut. That's true. You know what I mean? The one right down the middle. That's all. And a baby pair of snakeskins and Mickey Adams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Other than that, you're probably right. It's for the best. Absolutely.

But that would have been a cute pic. It's nothing wilder, though, than like, I don't know if y'all have seen these. I'm sure you've seen them before. Maybe the photo shoots that happened at the jail photos. I have a number of those. Oh, of course. Yeah. Where like, you know, depending on the season, like during the summer when I would visit him, the backdrop, something like this a little bit. It's a little, it's a little like mall. It's a little school photo. It's probably the same thing as a school photo because it's like, you know, you have to take it. Yeah, it's just a prisoner taking a fucking photo. It's like, it's the backdrop.

The background would be like a beach. Yeah. Or like if it's autumn, like fall foliage. Yeah. But you're taking this picture and it's like, who are they trying to convince? No, not jail mural, Eldest. Jail family photos. Jail family photos. You dumb motherfucker doesn't even know how to pull it. Jail mural photos. It's just jail. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, one of those. Like the fourth one. The fourth one, yeah. That's definitely the vibe. That is the vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, that has that. Oh, man.

Look at those little kids. Look how happy that little girl is. I feel so bad for her. When I was in third grade, I brought one of these pictures. Oh, no.

- Oh no. - No! - You got your ass flambéed. - The assignment I think was like bring a picture from home and I brought one of these pictures to school. I got them in front of the class and told everybody that this is where we went to visit my dad at work. - At work?

Yeah. He was working. For one sit. Yeah, for one sit every two hours. I had to, my teacher, God bless her, had to like pull me out of the classroom to be like, was your daddy really at work, Alex? And I was just like, you know I'm lying. Like, stop it. Come on. What was I supposed to say? Basically, she couldn't really articulate. You couldn't like be...

You couldn't pick any other picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, I was a little liar. What are you going to do? I was a little liar. Yeah. It is funny. It is funny because there probably are plenty of homophobic ho-teps who are like, see what happens when a man's not in the house? They'll point to you and be like, he becomes a gay liar. That's how you get Jesse Smollett. My favorite gay black man ever.

iconic black history figure, Jussie Smollett. Probably, if we're ranking gay liars, he's, I mean, maybe there's a little recency bias, but who's a better gay liar? He's the first gay black, like, embarrass me. You know what I mean? Like, everybody, I talk about

talk about it. He's like, we don't really have an embarrassment. For years, if you were both gay and black and people in America knew who you were, you're so talented. You know what I mean? You're fucking Little Richard. You know what I mean? In fact, I had Subway yesterday in honor of him. Yes.

Shout out to Jussie. In honor of Jussie. Remember that was, remember he said he was getting Subway at 3 o'clock in the morning in the middle of Chicago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know you hit that 3 a.m., that 3 a.m. Subway. I still would smash though. I believe that. You wouldn't want to, but I still would. Who knows? He's pretty low in his life. You might catch him. You might catch him. I would slower it down.

Lying to the city of Chicago. You might could catch him, dude. Who knows? Oh, man. That guy right there under Related Consents looks like Patrice O'Neal. Yeah, he does. We're probably going to blur his face, honestly. So no one else will see him. But wait, let's get back to how you saw someone's penis. Oh, yeah. Or vice versa. It was vice versa. Oh, vice versa. Oh, someone's kid saw you? Oh, you were that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I was saying. I was the man who probably scarred that boy. But you woke up in the middle of the day leaving or something? No, it was like, I don't know. I was probably like...

maybe like right out of college. Okay, wow. I was like hooking up with this girl who... She'd had a kid, but we were the same age. Oh, gotcha. She just like didn't go to college and like had a kid when she was like 19 or something like that. So homie was like four. Poor kid. It was like... I would just come over late, do the thing, leave kind of situation. And like we had finished up and like she like...

You ever know somebody that just has like a poor mentality? Like she like... She like... Let's let this bitch have it. Yeah.

Let's let this single mother desperately looking for human connection in the small pockets of time she can between full-time work and raising her son. Let's let her fucking have it. She's not a single mother anymore. She wasn't at the time, though. Okay, good for her. Yeah, and yeah, we like finished up, and it was really like me and homie were both going to the fridge to get juice at the same time. And truly, I was just completely naked, and I saw him, and he saw me.

And I just kind of had to turn and be like, and I had to turn and I never told her. I never told her. I just was like, hey. His first concern was what you doing touching my juice? Of course. We was both on the way to the fridge trying to get some apple juice. Yeah. As long as you left him. You drink that tap water. You know, you already fucking my mama and

Did you get my juice? And it was like, it was hot too. That's what I was getting. Like, she would never like turn the AC on in there. You know what I'm saying? And so it was like, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to keep that energy build down. I was like wet and dick out and going to grab like a- You couldn't have thrown the box or something, bro? See, at least- I didn't think- At least-

It was the middle of the night. At least Alex's guy was going to the bathroom. You're straight up taking... I don't know where he was going. You're walking. Oh, okay. Because she had a bathroom in her bedroom. Oh, wow. I think he might have been going to the kitchen. You know what I'm saying? I think he might have been going to the kitchen. Both our bedrooms were in this area where we had to walk to get to the kitchen. I stand corrected. We both met...

I feel him. His dick was huge though. I just remember being with him. I was like, all right, go ahead, man. Respect, mom. Yeah. How big is your penis? Is that kid thinking the same thing? And I've never seen it. Get out of town. That's rude. We've never seen each other's dicks. That's almost rude. Me and Eldon have seen each other's dicks thousands of times. Oh, yeah. I would say, all right, I'll knock it down to hundreds. Does it change the dynamic? How does it affect the dynamic of the friendship when you've seen each other's dicks? It stops dick as small as he talks about it, bro. Oh, yeah.

Let's just say, stop embellishing how small it is. How big it is.

I really thought you were always exaggerating. No, no. It's about honesty and comedy. I'm a truth teller up there. And if I say my dick is small, my dick is small. And me and Elvis have the same size penis, but he's 6'6". So, you know, take that. Dispel that myth out here that the big guys are out here running around.

Eldest is doing that for us. Being 6'6 with a little ass dick. You're not alone, bro. You're not by yourself. But a large foreskin. I've encountered some surprises. To the eye, it looks large because he's got, he's hanging foreskin like, it's almost like, it's like a butterfly that makes itself look like a predator. Y'all have really spent time with each other's dicks.

In a way that you've done like analysis. Yeah, just have lock screens on each other's phones. That's crazy. We've known each other since literally preschool. Oh, God. We've spent, you know, years. One time I was, when I was living here, I lived in this bedroom. I got out the shower in that bathroom right there. I was like, oh my God, stop. Come look at the cat. She's being so funny on the window.

And I know. He's like, dude, come look at his cat. He's never once in his life told me to come look at the cat. So I know 100% Eldest has his dick out, right? So I come out. I'm like, oh, really? Take my phone out. Yeah.

I'm like, wow, let me see her. And then Elder Seuss is like, oh, and then he runs away. So I have his little ass dick bounce. I have a video of it bouncing to the side and going, you know. I'm like shyly trotting back to the bathroom in that video. My little dick flopping in the vid. That's right. Sometimes you got to do that for your boy, though. I remember having like, this is actually the same place that I live. I talk about that when I saw my mom's boyfriend. Yes, yes. I had like a 12-year-old. I had like a 12-year-old.

Was it 12 birthday parties? Something like that? 12 or 13? And so all of the boys that I like was on the basketball team with them friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where we all... All the girls came to for the party, but then the girls left and all the boys spent the night. Right. And I had one, this one dude who I... I was always like flirting around with him. Sure, sure. And he would never bully me or nothing, but he would always be cracking jokes. Right. One time... Well, this was the... Everybody spent the night... We were in the kitchen. We were up. Everybody else was like asleep. And I forgot how we got there, but he was like...

basically daring me being like that he wouldn't pull his dick out and show it to me and you know this is a turning point oh no this is a turning point this is a turning point this is really a turning point in my boyhood cause I was like oh okay I'm being faced with this and what's gonna happen I'm like I'm sitting right here and he was like we were sitting in my mama's kitchen I'm like I'm sitting right here and he was like I won't do it I'm like you about to do it and he did it

That feels like a deleted scene from Moonlight. Those were really my teenage years. Is that guy gay? No, he is now a pastor. Oh, so yes. So...

So he's scared of you. Scared of me, yeah. I was a little creeped, though, when I was younger, though. Sure, sure. Just because when I was like, that same dude, he left his boxers at my place. Oh, respect. By accident, I think. I don't know, dude. It might have been on purpose. What would you do with them? Smell them. Bro, maybe Dr. Umar was right.

We need these black fathers in the home, bro. We need them in the home. You see what's going on. I was a little creep. I was a little creep. I used to spend the night over with a best friend, one of my best straight homeboys. One time, we would sleep in the same bed. It would be head to head for some time. Sure, sure, sure. And one time, I got close enough to where just a sliver, just a tiny part of our lips touching. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just to see if he'd fucking... Just to see if he would like hit me in the fucking face. Or if he'd kiss you back. That happened to me once too where I didn't expect it. Oh, wow. But I was like, oh, you're gay? Yeah, yeah. Did you fuck that guy? No. I didn't really start dealing with men until like... I was like...

That's how, that's, you know, I don't say it technically. Dealing with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Until like 17. Okay. That was my gay virginity. Okay. Gay virginity was 16. So infuriating that you're gay as hell and you got pussy easier than I did. Like, it's like, every time I hear about my, like, my gay friends that like were in the closet just,

pounding. Because that's a way to get, you know, to, I guess if you have no nerves, if you don't actually like the girls, it probably would be easy to fuck them. But when you're like, oh, she looked at me and I'm nervous. And there's like a classic, like, you're like disinterested. You know what I'm saying? You're disinterested in like a loop to a woman. I was trying to be, I was really like, there was a moment where it was, because a lot of people, a lot of gay people would be like, well, I was trapped in a sea of sadness. It's like,

was trying to like pussy it just wasn't working i'd be trying to tell people i'm like i get mad as fuck sometimes when i see like a bad bitch yeah fine ass woman and my dick don't get hurt this is not god god is not with this right now what's going on what happened to me this is the devil's work look at this your dad was selling crack it really is it goes back to black fathers

We need him in the home. Black men, if you're listening, we need you in the home. We need you in the home. Yeah, my team, like, I feel like, yeah, like, my stepdad came too late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta rear those dicks to, like, you know, show them, but this is what. That's what it should have been. Yeah. No, you're right. There is something great about when you get to fuck, like, an insanely hot woman, it's like, this is the best thing in the world. Yeah.

world I'll be happy about this for years like when I'm sad I will think about this and it will power me through as someone I never speak to we fucked like once or twice but just just thinking about it I'm like yeah that was awesome it's like it might have even ruined parts of my life for a couple months give or take but it really there is something to

You know, call me biased, but fucking an incredibly hot woman, that's pretty cool. And I'm sorry your dick doesn't get hard for that, Alex. I'm sorry, too. You know what? I'm gay as hell, but, like, I get really mad. Don't nod like that. I don't know what I'm saying.

So mean. That's right. As a close friend, I can't concur. I get mad when women don't hit on me. I get mad. I just get mad at the very concept that I can't get women. I can't get women. It pisses me off. You're mad? There are some gay men that women are like, oh my God, even though you're gay, I'm so insanely mad. And I only hear that sometimes from like,

women in comedy and that's nothing I'm not interested in that right I don't want to bang any female comedians are you kidding me girl you goofy you goofy I'm goofy we both two goofy motherfuckers in bed that's not cute yeah it's a lesson that it takes some of us years to learn yeah

Some of us make the mistake over and over again. Exactly. And are opening to making it again in certain situations. Look directly at camera. Depending. Talking to you, Marshall Warfield.

I don't know Marsha. I don't know who that is. You don't know who Marsha Warfield is? No, sorry. And y'all call yourselves comedians? Sorry, dude. What? Yeah. This is why I see black women need me as their office. They do. They do. I just didn't want a woman I don't... She used to work with Richard Pryor. She was on the Richard Pryor show and shit. Pull her up. I might know her. Oh, my God.

She's a lesbian too, speaking of. Okay, okay. Oh, okay. So she would knock both of y'all down. Yeah, absolutely. She does look familiar. She's funny as hell. She used to be in Night Court. Remember Night Court? Oh, Night Court is a banger. I'll give you that one. I thought you named some girl that we all know, and you're like, we all want to fuck you. And I was like, for the record, I don't know who you are. I thought you were talking about some... You ain't trying to knock down Marsha Warfield? Honestly, I'm good on Marsha. Yeah.

I don't know. She's licking pussy, so she be into it. I think it's mutual. I don't think she wants us to want her. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Especially that third picture, especially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her night court. She got a roommate. In her night court days. She got a roommate who's been living there for about 16 years. Is that what you call lesbians? You know exactly what that is. Yeah, come on. That's a very, that's an auntie trope. Big time.

Big time. Lesbian auntie is. Do you have... Are there any other gay people in your family? Like at the family reunions, anybody pop up? I got a cousin that just got gay married, which is kind of crazy. Yeah, but I...

I don't know. I love the joke about you coming out during the NBA finals. Yeah. My uncles were just always like, yeah, okay, this is kind of where my attitude about gayness and being gay comes from. It's just because they didn't care, so why should I care that much? Is that true? No. My uncles did not care. But you told them during the finals for real? You told them during a basketball game for real or no? It wasn't the finals, but it was when they were all watching television and I thought I was going to have a

moment and they were like nigga what alright we're trying to watch the Pistons Stackhouse has 20 yeah move Graham yeah like move dog so like they treated it that way the adults always know first anyway it's like did you not think that we were talking about this shit like we just come on dog we've been watching you since you were like six like we figured it out we seen you in the layup lines we know what's up

Yeah. We caught you sniffing your pal's boxers the other day. I still remember to this day what those boxes look like, too. Just worn down...

Basically, you could see through the back. They were like, yeah, the kid had them for a while. And I was like, I'm holding on to these. I gotta be honest. I mean, you know, I've never been... Some men are big sniff guys. Never been a big sniff guy. It's crazy. I'm not into that. But people love this, like, gym... Yeah. After the gym... Men say that to me all the time. I'm like, man, it smells like they just got... No, take a fucking shower, dog. I don't like all that. Let's go clean. Yeah, I don't like funk. Yeah, I'm not a funk guy. But some people, the fucking...

The pheromones just get to them. They're real fucking animals. What about you, Aldous? You look like you've got... You have enough body hair to be a sniff guy. I'm not a sniff guy. You're not a sniff guy, dude? No. Never been interested in it. But do people classify you often as a bear? Do people tell you that that's how you would qualify in the gay community? No.

No, you know what? People like actually rarely have said that to me. Wow. I think I'm, I don't know. I think I'm big. I definitely check the boxes, but. Eldis is now he's going to give himself the hot, whatever the hotter one from bears. He's going to pretend that's what people call him, but there's no hair. What's the hot hairy one? I think it's the bear. But isn't that fat also? I mean, it can be. What if you're not fat, but you're hairy? I think it's between fat and like husky. Okay.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Eldest definitely qualifies as a bear. Yeah. You don't get a hotter pick than that. No, I'm not saying hotter, but people have rarely lobbed that at me. That seems like an easy target or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have gay guys ever tried to fuck you, Eldest? One time when I was in Pittsburgh, we were at some after hours, like, just dance spots.

And I was like, I was just like on the dance floor. Not on the dance floor, just like standing around. This guy comes up to me, starts talking, blah, blah, blah. Then he like asked me if I wanted a drink. I'm like, uh, I'm okay. I kind of see what's going on here. And I like, you know, slowly, slowly start. And then you're like, get the fuck out of my face. You punch him, you start crying. I'm not. I'm not. You just trying to figure.

to figure yourself out. I'm just like slowly shifting away from him back to my friends kind of and he's just like lingering for a sec. He's like, I'm going to walk away now. And I'm like, okay, damn. You're like, take the L with grace. Yeah. It's like, damn, that's what women feel like a lot of the time they're out and shit. You know, you know, gay men are still trash ass men. We are no different than straight men. And I agree

straight men who are like damn this is how it went yeah some might say some might say like I took okay I took David to a gay we did Punchline last was it in the summer in Atlanta in the summer in Philly on Philly and I took him to a gay bar afterwards

This dude was like all up in his face. You've got some rough and tumble homosexuals in Philly. Yo, I was like, get the fuck out of his face. Yeah, I'm not going to fight one of these bitches. Get out of his face. Some guy with a freeway beard trying to fuck you. He's trying to dip his long beard into your ass.

No, but you stopping that guy in Philly from trying to mess with me, that was more out of jealousy. Because I think they felt, they knew that I wasn't in there a lot, so I think a lot of those dudes were like, I'm not in there a lot, so I don't fucking litter. They could tell you were accustomed to the ways of the gay club. They could tell I was looking around in a way that I didn't understand everything, and some dudes was pulling up, and every dude that would ever talk to me in there, I'd be like, he's not gay. He's straight. Get away from him. Get away from him, bitch, and come over here. What the fuck is up with that move?

It was rooted in jealousy ultimately. No problem. This is not his time. He just came here to drink and sit down. I see. I see. I see what you're talking about. Y'all get jealous. You were getting cock blocks. There was a, truly, there was a gay porn star who was DMing me. Remember that? Oh, yeah. I do remember that. And he was like a one that like- He's a fan of SNL. Okay. He's obsessed with Devin. I will say I checked out his page and he had a video of him sucking his own dick. What?

That's awesome. And who among us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, absolutely. Oh, wow. Yeah. Too big a penis, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta be smeated up to really be able to like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. He's like, I really love that sketch that you was in with Dave Chappelle. Do you want to see my dick? That's true. Well, that's, yeah. You must have any non-gay awesome sexual DMs came in since you got on SNL? Oh,

I don't know. Because I feel like women are probably going to have a little more, they're going to be a little more couth. They have a little more tact. Yeah. It's a lot of women being like, oh, we should go on a date sometime. Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? Because they can't just come out. That's the thing. They could. They could be wheelbarrowing their own pussy in their mouth. I feel like that's your life. One woman. Sure, that does happen quite a bit. Yeah.

And keep them coming, gals. Eldest, let me get my camera for this one. Please feel free to keep those DMs with the titties out. I will be, for real, some of my favorite short relationships or just even just friendships have come up have started with titties in my inbox. Yes.

Truly, like, girls I've met up with had really nice times with. Oh, those women rock. They're the best. They're the best. I literally was on Twitter yesterday, and it said somebody, like, replied to one of your things, and I clicked on the page, and it was just the girl with the biggest ass I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Those are the tweets that Twitter allows you to first see. Yeah. I was really like, that's... It is a hilarious lifestyle, I will say. Langston Kerman played a bisexual dude on the first season of Insecure. On Insecure, yeah. And I remember him telling me he'd never seen that many dicks being sent to him. It's like...

I would believe it if he still were getting dicks into this day. Sometimes I'll go on license page just to see what some gay dude who I know is following. I'm like, y'all are following him. This man has a wife and a child. Yeah, he's got a mortgage. That is nothing. He does not dabble in that community. Please leave him alone. That's also part of light skin phobia, I would say. Assuming any light skin man in Hollywood is gay. That is true.

We got a truther. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm not saying every light skinned girl is gay. There are some light skinned people. Especially like in the early 2000s when they were rocking like no shirt and mesh tops and stuff. Very Shamar Moore on the floor. You know what I'm saying? Sultry, like sexual, like sort of like. If you were that guy, you was going to have some allegations. Yeah, absolutely. Of being gay. Absolutely. Because it's a crime. Well, not anymore in some of these fucking states, but it's coming back, folks.

Things are going just as planned. Get the fathers back into the houses. Black fathers. Black fathers. I love that, dude. That's fucking awesome. So yeah, just some dates, huh? Well, you'll get that too. That's the nice thing about SNL. It's like you're so famous that you will just attract some like...

Like a porn A female porn Or just like The more people that are aware of you I've had a little Or the more people that You're in people's homes Exactly I've had a little bit of I've had a little bit of stuff like that Yeah I don't get no dick pics Get out of here Don't nobody be trying to send me nothing Maybe I don't send enough like Fuck dude I need to start posting like Sturge traps I need to really up my Step my game up Like Mateo Like Mateo fucking goes The fuck off You do What is the well? The one Where's mine? Do y'all see how he does it here?

I can never have a moment of confidence. I'm just saying, Mateo's doing a different thing than what you're doing. Mateo's clearly only eating fish patties and rice every day and broccoli. It's my diet trash. And it's getting in the gym. You might have to hit a couple fucking glute bridges. That's all I'm saying. Stavi, do you want to see one of my...

I'm not saying you don't have a fat ass I'm just saying You got good stuff going on But I'm saying I really want you to see Stav Like what you look like Let's see it Mateo clearly been in the lab He's been in the lab Like getting that shit together Oh yeah yeah yeah That shit don't happen by coincidence Go ahead and peep this Go ahead and peep that Let's take a look Stop playing with me okay That's awesome Go ahead and stop playing with me Okay but we not gonna act like that's the same What you mean? You know what I'm saying This is cool What you mean? This is not That's good look And you know what Stav You have my permission to put this on the pod Put it on the pod You have my permission

You have my permission. Let's get Alex some dick pics. That's right. Because I know your, and I like your fan base too. Whenever I do your shows, I like some of them people. So go ahead and like, yeah, go ahead and let that. Let's get Alex sucked off. Because I need to change the narrative. It's time to change the narrative. You do need to thought it up a little bit though. I need to thought it up because right now I'm just on Instagram like telling jokes and being silly. Not the way to do it. I got to change my vibe right now. I'm about to become a sex symbol.

That's what you need to do Yeah Stop you got You got boys in your DMs You got any other homies I used to have a lot more But I think before When my shit was just Instagram And I was just naked on there A hilarious amount of gay dudes A lot of gay A lot of guys were just like Felt betrayed When they found out I was straight Really That happened a lot We're like wait what They're like you doing All these naked photo shoots With Mateo Fully dude You like pussy Stop me out here queer baiting Yeah I am dude I'm fat Harry Styles I'm fat Harry Styles

I'm about to be in a fucking romper. A fucking romper on my next special. Wearing one of those long earrings. Being like, well, gender's a spectrum. You put a bunch of scarves on the microphone. Next time we see Stive, his nails gonna be a different color. Yeah, dude. That's the move. I don't know. We'll get there. We'll, you know, maybe. Maybe I'll go into... It would be fun to just like...

To try and, like, weaponize, like, trying to get representation and, like, just get my dick sucked by one guy for, like, one minute and be like, I'm bi. There we go. Throw me on the fucking... That's all it takes for some people to do that. Well... Yeah. It is a gay way. Yeah. You wouldn't be the first person to do something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I started this. I changed the style up. The real trick that I've learned is technically if you're with somebody who's non-binary...

And they happen to look exactly like a woman. Right? Like big ass titties, a pussy, the whole nine. They're they them. And that's your partner. Technically, that's a queer relationship. That's the plus. That's how we get more straight men into the community. Listen, y'all need to start fucking me. I'm in. I love they them pussy. Give me my camera again.

If you have they, them pussy, please send it my way. Yeah, I guess pronouns, I've heard from some gay dudes who are like, if you identify, you have to identify as a man. And I'm like, I don't know that them identifying as non-binary changes anything for me. No, it doesn't for me. As long as you got a dick, dog, I don't care what you say.

That's all I really fucking care about. Honestly, I'm still deciding how I feel about like, like titties and dick. Titties and dick. Sure. I'm like, well. Have you ever been involved in any trans women? No. They often, I often get like approached on like on dating apps and stuff. But I'm like, I don't know. I feel like that would be, to me that's taking, I feel like I can't see

It being me genuinely into it. Right. Just... Because then it's like, I'm just there for the penis and not the person. Sure. Well, but listen... Which that's the case for a lot of men. What I was going to say is that's every time you fuck. Yeah. So what's different here? I don't know. I don't know. This could be a good... It's an emotional thing. This could be your good gateway into like... You were just talking about it. You see a bad bitch and you're like, my dick doesn't get hard. Now... This could... You know what I mean? Now, here's my question. Yeah, hit me. And not like, hey, this is...

If I fuck a transgender woman, am I now bi?

Oh, I love it. We're getting into technicalities here on Stavi's World. They, them, pussy makes me gay, technically. And trans butthole. What does that make me? Am I just queer? I think that makes you... I don't like that all-encompassing shit. You know what? I think you would technically be... If that was your thing... Technically? The way that anyone can fuck one of anyone and they're not that thing. If you fuck one trans girl...

But if you were hooking up with a bunch of them and you were dating them, yeah, I guess this would make you softly bi. Softly bi. That's a soft bi. Soft bi. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, you know, I've been thinking about that. I've also been thinking, if I were white, would I be racist? Oh, yeah. You probably would. I think I would. Absolutely. I mean, you're black and you're racist. Yeah.

But do you think Do you think If you were black Would you hate white people Or would you like Like be a guy That like likes That enjoys the company Of white people Or would you be A black guy That only has white friends That's very interesting What kind of black guy Do you think you would be Wow Is he still from Where he's from Yes I'm from Baltimore though dude I think I would be like

Pretty black Oh you'd be pro-black Yeah I grew up in Baltimore City I have like You know my family All comes from like It's not gonna be a hotel Yeah I might be I might be I might dip my toes In hotel stuff And I'd be like I don't know about this guys But I would throw it on I would talk about Well you're from Texas That's right So you're a white man What would you be What kind of white person Would you be

I don't know. I'd probably be like a white boy with a fade. Oh, you'd be chained? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd probably be like a white... You know what? I'd probably be like a white boy with a fade who wore Jordans in his teen years and then went to college and realized, like, okay, I gotta switch it up. Oh, I gotta be white. Yeah, I'm actually about to let me lean back into my privilege real quick. You're gonna waste my privilege. You have to be smart. That's exactly... And I would be a full-blown Republican. I could see that. Full-blown. Absolutely. What? What, bitch? That's hilarious. I can't hear none of that noise y'all talking about black lives matter.

I'm on a yacht, ho. What? What?

I'd be a very problematic white man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think that's right. I think we nailed all of us. Closetly gay. I'd probably be one of them closet gay white politicians. You gotta tap the foot in the bathroom stall. You know, I'm thinking about it more. I think I would be a fat black guy who had like a very fat light-skinned wife. You know what I mean? Like one of those fat guys that's great at cooking ribs and his wife is fat as shit.

You know what I mean? But she's hot. Oh, oh, I got exactly what you mean. She's got a beautiful smile. Yeah. You know what I mean? Devin is going back to a place. She's like Cajun black. You know what I mean? She could pass a little, but I'm fat as shit. You know what I mean? I have gout. I have gout.

Holy shit. This sounds like you're talking about a guy you met. It just seems like an archetype of black guy that I think that's 100% me. That's funny. This is great. I'm having a fucking blast. I think it's time for the questions. How long have we been doing? It's an hour. Jesus Christ. You guys are the best, dude. We usually do like 40 minutes on the... This is just us...

Bullshit. You guys got to come back. We got to, let's fucking, let's solve some, we'll continue this conversation through the solving of some problems we have. Let's do it. We have a possible black Republican here. We have a man who's shown a child his penis. Damn. Technically, that is who you are. Jesus. Jesus. But not, no, no, hashtag no Aries Spears, hashtag no Haddish. Right.

That was weird. No one was traumatized. That was really weird, dude. But hey, I'll watch Girls Trip 2 if it comes out. You know what? Me too. Me too. I will watch it. To support black women. Of course, of course. Support black women. And what if it comes out, it's all child actors? You're like, oh.

Alright, Aldous, hit us with the fucking first question. Yeah, we got a couple thematic questions here lined up. Okay, I love it. Go with the... Starving baby, man. Starving baby. Man. Crank the volume, I don't think. I don't even know where to start. Alright, so...

I'm a pretty good looking dude. Okay. 6'1", 220. I got gray hair and I'm only 35. So no real problem with the ladies. Okay. My thing is this. I went to this girl's house the other night and she is smoking hot. I mean, we've hooked up before a couple times. The sex was great. It's been like a year since the last hookup. Okay.

Interesting. And I couldn't get hard, man. It was the first time this has ever happened. A couple of times it's gone soft during sex, you know, just because the sex wasn't great. And we got back going. That wasn't a problem. But I think what happened is I started fucking around with trans girls. And the sex is just so much better. So now when I try to sleep with a straight girl, it's like my dick doesn't want it.

I don't know, man. I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting old. I'm 35. Maybe I'm just getting old.

It's getting old! My man is going through it. He's starting gay. It threw me for a loop. Oh, fuck. Run it back a couple seconds. That's awesome. Oh, my God. He's going through it. He's like, I'm getting old. I don't know, man. It just threw me for a loop. Now it's the holiday season, then I got fucking dick depression. I got seasonal depression. I don't know, man. What do you think? Should I keep trying with the straight ladies or just like...

I don't know. Wow, that's... Come to terms with what's going on. He's going... Let me know. Appreciate it, man. Love you. He's going through his new... Yeah. He's coming out... I've been thinking about this day coming. To you? I've just been thinking, like, when is this going to happen to me? When is my dick going to stop working? Where you change orientations?

Well, it's not... Here's the thing. His dick didn't stop working. He said it, like, couldn't get up. He said it worked for a particular... Because he started fucking around with trans girls. So it works for trans women and it doesn't work for us. Yeah. Yeah, it seems like he's already kind of answered his own question. I mean, he got there. It seems like we've gotten to... It's crazy because he started out like, oh, I'm really handsome and I'm great. And it ended...

Very like But yeah I am Well this is Yeah He's having He's dealing with some adversity And it's like It's not Here's the other thing Yeah Nature has told you The fucking answer Your dick is getting Your penis knows Use it as your guiding light Yep

And also, there was no part of that voicemail that he lit up more than talking about how awesome it is to fuck trans girls. He's like, it's just fucking... What did he say? It's good, man. What was his exact thing? It was like, it's just so much better. So much better. Like, that's it right there. You got it, brother. Like, you already know. Don't... Listen, you're... This is maybe a little strange. I don't know where you're from. I don't know if there's cultural things here, but...

It seems like you found what you really like. And if there's no health reason, if there's no anything... That's the area code. Okay. We don't have to put him on blast. But it seems like you're from a conservative place. And even your parlance is wrong because you're calling him straight girls instead of cis. But his heart is in the right place. Oh, and his dick is too. And his dick is too.

So listen, buddy, you're into trans girls. You're, you know, that's you. Follow it, dude. If it's just so much better, you got your answer. Yeah, because I mean, at the end of the day, you're experiencing pleasure. Yeah. It's not like you're like, maybe you feel, your straight, cisgendered area, it's over. Your era is over.

It's done, dude. And now you're moving into a new era of life. Yeah, this is exciting, dude. It's accepted for what it is. He's what? He's in his 50s, he said? No, I think he's in his 30s. Oh, I don't know why I thought he said that. He said he had gray hair. Gray hair, that's why. Yeah, dude. And also, you're 35. You and this girl have been hooking up. You said the last time was like a year. So you seem to be in the kind of place where you don't have good relationships with the women you've been dating. And maybe those women just got bad pussy. Maybe it's also that. And the problem is that it's not butthole. And it is.

It's not butt. It doesn't quite grip your dick as hard as the trans women. Yeah, or the fucking... They're scientifically made pussies. I wonder if that is a scientific thing, though. Do men start, like... Well, at a certain point, you gotta think... Sleeping with trans women and want that more. I don't know. I think the ones who are attracted to them are. And look, we don't know if this girl has a... You know, it might be butt. It might be like a specialty pussy. Sexuality is crazy. A medical... I was gonna say...

There's gonna be a point. Like, right now, like, I feel the worst for, like, trans girls from the 70s. Oh, yeah. They had to do... You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like how Dr. J was playing in fucking Chucks. Yeah. That's not good for us. It's not good for your ankles. Yeah. You know what I mean? These girls...

It's gonna be in like in the next 30 years trans girls are gonna be lapping this women Yeah, they already doing it in sports. Yeah Not just in the swimming pool

whooping their ass. They are gonna have like turbo science made pussies. Damn. So the thing is dude you're getting in at the right time. You're buying correct. Because they only gonna get better. Science is only gonna get better. Medicine

is only gonna get stronger. It's only gonna get better. Faster. Things are gonna move faster. Yeah, it's true. You're fucking... You're there, dude. You're where you need to be. I say keep going though. Like, yeah, don't stop. Keep going. Keep fucking... It's no shame. Not at all. It's no shame today. Absolutely not. I think that's part of...

Because his tone really switched up. He sounded like Fabregas. There's a pep in his eye. He's happy about it. You can hear it. But I can kind of see a somber, I can feel a somberness to it. He's kind of like... He's torn. He's a little torn. Well, it is a type of coming out, even though it's not fully, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah. And especially if you're from a conservative place or your family's conservative. I mean, he's clearly not conservative enough to not fuck them. Exactly.

You know what I mean? So he's, you know, he's just... So do what makes you feel good. At the end of the day, we just all rubbing genitals out here. 100%. And he said it's seasonal depression. I'm getting old. No. You're just like... You actually are a little queer. Like you are... You're on the spectrum and not on a they-them technicality. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

You found another loophole. All right, sick. Thank you for calling in, buddy. Hey, listen, call us back. I want to hear. I want the fucking. We want to know what happened. I want them to get married. Yeah, I do too. All right. Oh. Hey, Stavi. So my question is. Let's go. My husband just admitted that he smells my panties.

And I don't know what to think about that. That's flattering. It's not gross. It's not weird. I just am curious why. And he told me that all guys do that. Wow.

I've never heard any guy admit that. And so I guess my question is, is that true? Do all guys, whether, I don't know if they're with you,

girl just sniff their underwear I asked him if he does it to my clean underwear or dirty he said clean I don't know if I believe that yeah let me know if this is normal or weird I just don't know what to think about it but I love you keep doing what you're doing I hope that

All of your wildest We got it We appreciate it Thank you Love you too You're a very nice lady It's a compliment to me I honestly do think Yeah first of all It's not all guys But we did cover it On this episode A nice amount of guys Are animals that smell That like smelling Pussy scent Or dick scent Or French case And it's the guys Who didn't have their fathers In the home Remember that

So, look, but also, I do think it actually is a comedy because it's his husband and it's like, he wants to fuck you that bad. Panty sniffing is like a very horny move. It's almost like animalistic on the way. It's super animalistic. No, it really is. It's purely animal. Like, I think it is the pheromones. Like, you're smelling and it's like... It's not good, girl. Yeah, it's like, I want to fuck it. And it's like, so...

He's really on a chemical level can't wait to pound your pussy. And I think that is pretty romantic. Yeah, you know? Like, I think that's pretty awesome. I take it as a compliment. Yes.

It is, you know... It's not normal. It's normal sexual behavior. It's not like you don't want to catch him just sniffing panties at all times. He should be discreet about it. The way, like, beating off is normal, but it's not if you're beating off in your car outside. He just got him on a pile on the floor. Like, she put him in the clothes and put him on a... I'm like, no, put them back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly. I just want to clarify also, when it comes to boxers and shit like that, like, I'm sniffing the front. I ain't sniffing the back. I ain't sniffing the back. No, no, no. There's no... What do you...

You're only going to smell one thing. That ain't really the scent I'm looking for. That is a gay L, I think we can all agree. But yeah, girl, you smell good down there. Keep up the good work. And congrats on having a nice smelling pussy. Yeah, that's basically what it is. This is really beautiful to me. Out of all the calls you've ever had, this is the one that makes me believe in love the most. So that's a nice one. Hit us with another one, Elde.

Keep 'em coming, baby. These are good questions. These are. G, you didn't see this one coming, Eldest, that I would ask for another call? It's a fucking call-in show. Wasn't that much to talk about with that one. We're all in the same boat. You fucking dumb bitch. We just thought we'd make you up to good work. Yeah. Yeah. Keep being a love. Davi, baby. Dumb bitch. So here's the situation.

Like you, I'm a fellow half-gay boy with an unimpressive penis. Okay. She still somehow does pretty decent as women, but I've been married for five years. That's a funny sentence to go with that. My wife and I have been together for about ten. Can you jack this up a little bit? And, you know, a couple things one night with the third wheel and all of a sudden falling love apart. But now the situation has grown to where one of her best friends

Who we have hooked up with before in the past. Who we have. Her and her boyfriend have split up. I'm lost. She wants her friend to move in with us, you know, temporarily. But I know if it's going to be due and anybody who's going to meet her knows if it's going to be due. I love my wife very much. I also appreciate her very much. She's a man. What? But I'm just afraid. Sorry.

He said he loves her very much. He loves threesomes too much. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, him and his wife. They both fucked this girl before. It's the wife's friend. Interesting, interesting. And him and the wife have been together married for five years. Oh, and the friend and her boyfriend split up and she's trying to move back. She's trying to move in with him and his wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh, I'm going to try to fuck this lady if she comes and lives in our house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It turned into something that could inevitably end up causing tension here. Not only sure what to do with her, but...

He's really... Okay, let's pause. I think we got it. This man is wildly confident in his ability to get a... Like, he thinks it's a done deal. I wonder why. Maybe his wife has done all the heavy lifting here. I was about to say, they fucked at the same time together. That's what it was? Okay, yeah. So, but does your wife... I mean, you haven't said this to your wife? I mean, I would feel like this would come up. If me and my wife fucked someone...

And then she's like, hey, we should let her move in. Someone's going to be like...

do we get to fuck her again or should we not? We should have that conversation. Yeah, y'all have already fucked before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's up? Yeah, it feels pretty. So you should just straight up talk to your wife about it because he's talking about like, but I know what that's going to lead to. I love again that he thinks it's inevitable. Like you don't think anything might have changed in these people. You're married now. This woman, this girl, like are you and your wife still open or were you ever? Was this a one time thing? Like I wouldn't just assume this is going to happen.

And if anything, if you're like, well, it's just going to happen naturally, that means you're kind of planning to try and fuck this woman is what you're saying. I mean, that feels very clear. That feels like he's very much like she's going to move in. I'm trying to fuck. But what I'm trying to say to him is those are two very different things. Right, right. It's inevitable that we fuck. And like, if you didn't make any moves whatsoever, do you think they would be begging to fuck you? Right.

If that's the case, my hunch is no. It's almost like he sounds like he doesn't trust himself to not be honest about it if it happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost like she'll move in and we'll both be in the laundry room. Right, right, right. It's porn. She'll get stuck. And my wife will be away. She'll get stuck under the sink. She'll be like, please, I need help.

And then for some reason you fuck her. Because I've fucked outside of my marriage. Yeah. But yeah, I'm like, is the intention. If you do, will she be okay with it? I mean, again, just talk to her about it. Yeah, you need to have a conversation straight up with your wife and also be realistic with like, do you think it's inevitable that you would fuck her? Mm-hmm.

Because it might not be. I mean, there's plenty of people you fuck and then you're friends with afterwards in life. There's plenty of people I fucked that I'd like to fuck again that don't want to fuck me again. Is that the situation you're in? Same here. That could be bad. That's bad energy. If you want to fuck this person, they're like, hey, that was... They're not even mad about it. They're like, hey, that was cool. But that was like, wait, that's over. Yeah. My head was in a different place. Because I feel like you might be in that zone where you're still reliving your glory days where...

Where your wife, I don't know, wanted to fuck a girl with you or didn't believe, wanted to get you to propose. So she was letting you fuck other women. Yeah. And that might be over for you. What if he asks his wife and she's like, you can't fuck her, but I am. That's pretty cool. I would be okay with that, but I'm stupid.

So it probably wouldn't work, but I would think it would be cool. So yeah, look, buddy, a lot of these calls end up with basically like have just talked to the person about it. But yeah, you want to talk about it. And look, and there's also a weird like 1% chance that you might just have the best life in the world. Where it's like you get the movie, she's moving in, you guys all fuck each other for at least for a couple months. And I want that for you. And I do. I want it to go like that for you, buddy. Yeah.

I don't know that I do want it for him. His energy was off. Something about him. I don't know what it is, but there is something. I mean, the last sentence on that thing says, I love getting my wiener wet by strangers. I'm on the fence about how successful I want this to be. Did we hear that part? I don't know. It might have been jumbled. Let's hear that. On the other hand, I love getting my wiener wet by strangers.

It's not as strange. This guy stinks. Yeah, no. This guy, no. I actually don't want good things. He's calling to brag about the one cool thing he's ever done sexually. He's pretending it's a problem. It's not. Maybe it was his birthday. He was crying. And she's like, well, what if me and Erica suck you off? Would that make you feel better? And he's like, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, man. I hope this goes bad for you, actually. Yeah.

I hope this lady starts fucking your wife and then they leave you. Mostly because of that last sentence. You said I love getting my wiener wet by strangers. Also, it's not a stranger. He knows her. True. He's trying to brag. This is a brag call. Fuck you. Have your wife and her friend hit me up, though. I'll fuck both of them. Let's get another one rolling. Hey, so I'm in a band with this kid. There's a few kids. This one kid is specific.

He said he killed himself when he was little? One of the kids that was in the band killed himself. He was in a band, and one of the kids in the band killed himself. Gotcha. I thought he was talking about a guy currently who killed himself when he was young. Sorry. Okay. Sorry, buddy. Like they had a ghost in the band. Yeah. Casper's playing keyboards.

Okay. You let me borrow the keyboard and my cat breaks it. And then I ship like the $600 keyboard to get it fixed to someone that is advertising is like a cord, like a retailer that will repair it and stuff. And it turns out that I just got scammed and they kept the keyboard and kept the money I sent them. And it's my dad, my friend's dad's keyboard.

And I definitely can't get it back. And he thinks it's still just getting fixed. I was wondering, what should I do? Oh, this sucks. Oh, shit. Wait, wait. Did the kid's dad kill himself when he was little? The kid did. But he has the keyboard of the kid. I think the kid's dad. Play from the beginning. No, the kid did because the dad wants the keyboard back. Hold on. Just play from the beginning. Hey, so, uh...

So I'm in a band with this kid, or with a few kids. And this one kid in specific, his dad killed himself when he was little. Dad killed himself when he was little? And his dad was also into music. So his dad had, like, leftover keyboards. Oh, my. This is brutal. And he let me borrow the keyboard, and my cat breaks it. And then I chip, like, the $600 keyboard to get it fixed. Oh. To someone that is advertising as, like, a quarter, like a retailer that will repair it and stuff.

And it turns out that I just got scammed and they kept the keyboard and then kept the money I sent them.

And it's my friend's dad's keyboard, and I definitely can't get it back. And he thinks I'm still just getting fixed. Okay. I've got the solution. I'm wondering what should I do. I know exactly what to do here. You need to learn Photoshop, and you need to get some... You need to find the local newspaper from the town your friend was in when his dad killed himself.

And you need to start planting stories about his dad. You need to Photoshop stories about how maybe he was a child molester. Okay? You need to... You need to... You need to... You need to start...

You'd be like, dude, I was looking through some archives. The level of confidence that you said, I have the answers. I really thought you were going to have a practical solution for how to repair this man and his friend's friendship. It's going to work. I was looking through some microfiche. Oh, my God. And it looks like the fucking St. Paul, Minnesota rapist

actually it was your dad of 1978 and he and this I found this article that says he was driven to suicide by the guilt for all the horrible sex crimes he committed and he's gonna be so upset that

that his dad was a child molester that he'll forget all about the keyboard. Or even go further, he used the keyboard of torture to, he would play a song that would hypnotize all his victims on this specific keyboard. Like Michael Jackson. Like Michael Jackson. Yeah.

And the keyboard was the direct source for a lot of pain for a lot of molested children. And I think that way you make his dead father a villain and you make it so that he's better off with his life without this keyboard. You deserve the Mark Twain prize for the way you were able to come up with that.

That is unbelievable. He deserves something. He deserves something for what he just did. I don't know if it's the Mark Twain vibes, but it is. He earned something. He deserves pussy from the two women from the last call. That's right. Hit me up. Oh, my God. That's one way you could go about it. That is one way. That is one thing you could do.

To me, the main problem was why is this kid lending his dead dad's keyboard to his homie? I'm kind of mad at him for this. You know what I'm saying? Well, they're in a band. They're good friends. I would lend the family heirloom to Eldest. Would you lend something to Alex? My dad died. Your dad's dead. What's the item? Hmm.

You gotta assume the dad was pretty into music. So it's like, this item is emblematic of my dad. But he also might have a couple things, right? So he might have a couple keyboards. You know what I mean? It's like something that meant something to your dad, but it's not like... It is irreplaceable, but it's not one of a kind. I wonder if this is his only memory of his father.

If it's the only one, yeah. If this is the only one, then you fucked up. Then you fucked, if this is the pure one. But if your dad had a bunch of stuff that you remembered him by and this was like one of the many keyboards he had, then like, yeah, I would lend something like that to Alex. Exactly. Now let's say Alex fucks it up. Okay, this is good. Let's role play this. Alex, you have Devin's

dead father's keyboard and you fuck it up you spill a bunch of cum on you know whatever kind of you do it in some kind of gay way you go to brunch you get a lot of mimosa juice on it you spilled poppers all over the keyboard and then

This completely doesn't work anymore. Keyboard for the rest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do? What would you do? I mean, me and Dev got to stop being friends. You just call it off. Man, I don't want Dev in my life. I couldn't stomach being like, dog. Actually, yeah. I mean, this wasn't the same thing. I think you would take that, how that happened well. I think you wouldn't be mad at me.

I'd probably be fine. But something, not the exact same thing. Alex and I share an office at 30 Rock. And the other day I saw him at an after party and he goes, hey, I spilled a full bottle of water all over your computer. So you should talk to somebody about that when we come back to work. Not a single apology in sight.

Not a single apology. It's his fault that it happened. It's his fault that it happened. And I'm going to tell you why. Because we both have these desk lamps, like these attorney, accountant-like lamps on our desk. And I always try to create the vibe in the room with low lights and those purple and blue lights. It looks good in the room. So I have to go to his desk to turn everything on.

This motherfucker likes to leave his open container of water, his little water bottle. What was your water bottle that got spilled? I turned the light on and I knock it over. Put the cap on your water bottle. Wow, this is a classic curb situation. Where you do both have a little bit of something. It's crazy. And I did it again the other day. Okay.

I didn't even bother calling because it wasn't as much. But I knocked it over again. I knocked it over again. You knocked more water on my computer? Because you left your container of water on the desk. It's true. Okay. You got to put the cap on. But at the end of the day, I think it is his desk.

I'm going to barely rule in Devin's favor. Barely. And I've never knocked water over on my desk a single time. And somehow he's managed to do it multiple times. And it's not even his desk. He don't even got to go over there. What happened?

There's nothing for him over there. It's only my stuff. I don't understand why you keep finding yourself over there. I have to turn the light on. I never turn nothing over on your day. We need a new light situation. You don't like vibes. We need a new light situation. You gotta get one of those extension cords. I'm gonna take this desk and put it over your mind. I'm at two. You obviously don't appreciate yours.

I'm trying to create a vibe in the office. If you want to leave, there's water bottle open. I wouldn't be surprised if this was Alex who called this one in. This seemed like some Alex-style shit. Okay, let's get back to our friend here. If you're... I mean, he knows it's getting fixed. You're probably just fucked here. I mean, there's no way around it. Like, if you have the money...

I mean, it probably doesn't sound like you do. I would try and replace it. I mean, you're just going to have to come clean. You're fucked. Unless you can find some kind... Unless you want to treat this like a sitcom from the 90s and you want to find the exact replica and try and do it, but it's like, is that really going to work? You're just going to have to tell him and you're going to have to fucking make it up to him and buy him. This is also a really good lesson in like, sometimes you just got to go to a building, dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't be doing everything online and shipping because you don't know who you're dealing with. This is a good lesson for you. Unfortunately, it sucks that it has to happen from somebody's deceased father's heirloom. I look at him like he still thinks it's getting me. Yeah, he still thinks it's getting me. I mean, yeah, you gotta be honest about stuff like that. You just gotta be like, dude, I'm so sorry. If your friend is like a...

It is strange to like Ship a $600 keyboard To somebody else's What like house To get it fixed Like y'all You don't have no like Local Like music repair Like You gotta do a little more research For sure Yeah but You know I think At the end of the day I mean you either gonna do that Or you gonna do what Stav did Said to do Which is Photoshop Archival Photoshop some archival Newspaper stories Make it look like his father Was a sexual Deviant And then Like

Like, Dad, I'm sorry, but your dad was canceled. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I heard that, I destroyed the keyboard out of disgust for what your father did to the children of this community. And frankly, you owe me whatever it costs to get it repaired that they scammed you out of. You owe me that for, you know. I say come clean. Yeah. Come clean and then play for your friend what Stob's advice was. Yeah.

That way your friend would be like, well, you should have just did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So good luck. Sometimes you just take a gigantic L and you're taking one right now. And I'm really sorry, buddy. And I'm sorry for your friend, too. Hit us with another one, Eld. These are fun. These people. These people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're getting good calls. This one's short.

Hey, Stavros. My name's Ben. My wife and I are going to New York. And we were just wondering, what are, like, the greatest spots to go and eat? Okay. All right. Thanks so much. Bye. All right. I like it. I like it. Eldest, why were you laughing while you were playing that call? Why did you find that so funny? I don't know. Devin was just cracking. Oh, Devin. You're going to blame Devin. I was just catching the energy. I don't know.

Fuck both of you motherfuckers. Here's what I have a problem with. Yes. Off the rip. Please. People ask this question, tourists, people, and they never fucking really listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Ben, before we start rattling off places, hot spots, Mm-hmm.

I really want this to be clear. Don't make us go through the emotional labor of giving up our spots, giving up a seat to the place that we like to go if you want to take your ass to Taco Bell. Go to the places that we suggest because motherfuckers be doing that. And I'm like, you're going to end up at the place that you go to every time. You're going to go to the Times Square Red Lobster. Exactly. Exactly. Spend five hours and $500 there.

Like how you're really going to Flushing to get those dumplings. You know you're not taking the train out there. Exactly. So that's all I got. That's my disclaimer. Okay, good. Let's hear it. I think Ben might. I think Ben and his wife, who are clearly asking me this question because I'm their favorite comedian who lives in New York and for no other reason. He'll know what to do. Why are you guys laughing again, Devin and Elvis? What about that statement made you two laugh again? They want to bump into you.

There's something about you they really trust with this question. So I am laughing for that reason. Because of how trustworthy I am on the topic? Yeah, because they're like, hey, we know this man knows at least one thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's one thing that he's familiar with for sure. But it's also because all the other questions these people have in actual crises, they're really having these existential deals. This guy's just like, hey, I'm trying to get some wings. Me and my wife love each other. We want a nice dinner. Such a normal question. That's a duality of the people that love you. Of Stavi's world, baby. And it's always 904-800-STOV. Call in.

leave us your questions. Some nice spots. Yeah, so Eldis started us off

Dumplings and flushing is always a nice move. We go to Nha Long Giang Long Bao. Is that right? Something like that. I either crushed it or I sounded very racist there. But it's incredible. The soup dumplings place in Flushing. They just got a bigger space. Not just. Maybe last year. They upgraded to a bigger space. It's really great. I got one. Go ahead. If you don't want to go all the way to Flushing...

Noodle Village in Chinatown has awesome soup dumplings. Noodle Village is our soup dumpling spot. We took my mom there. Me and my friends and my mom was visiting. My mom's been a waitress in a Greek restaurant for 20 years. She was just not prepared for fresh off the boat Chinese service. They're just incredibly rude. They act like you're

You're lucky to be eating their dumplings and they just throw things out. It comes out no order. Whatever's ready, you get the main course, then the salad, then the veggies come. So it's Jamaican. Yeah, it's basically Jamaican. The Chinese and the Jamaicans have a lot. They had that in common. You know there's a lot of Chinese in Jamaica, a lot of Chinese people? Yeah. I was writing, one of my jobs after college, I wrote these like,

profiles for like teachers that won some kind of award. It was like just some bullshit writing job. I had interned at the place and then they kept hiring me for a couple years afterwards. And one of the teachers that won the award was named Jennifer Chin. And it was in Montgomery County in Maryland. So I just figured, oh, cool, like...

It's Montgomery County, a lot of Chinese people there. I go there. It is a white Jamaican woman. It is a white woman with a Jamaican accent who married a Chinese guy from Jamaica whose family had Jamaican children.

restaurants. So she was a white Jamaican woman who like was selling like curry goat and shit like that and like fucking, you know, beef patties and shit. But it was like, it blew my mind. Yeah, she sounded, she was awesome. She was a good teacher too. Talking like Miss Cleo, white as fuck, husband Chinese. It was awesome. Oh,

But anyway, Noodle Village, yeah, so we took my mom there and she was like, the food was good, but the service was, you do not treat people like that. She was like fucking, she was mortified that, you know, they just don't make eye contact. Like, okay, here you go. But Noodle Village, service aside, is fucking incredible. If you want to get some real, you know, if you come to New York, a lot of people talk about pizza, pizza.

Probably my favorite is Prince Street. Prince Street is good. With the little fucking pepperoni, little charred pepperonis. Nolita pizza is also fucking bomb. Yeah, that's a good one. I haven't been to that one. People keep telling me about that one. Not my job. Lindustry.

uh industry or whatever that one's good as fuck I'm a fan of Joe and Joe's the classic I like Joe's it's just greasy as hell like to me if you get a whole pie at Joe's that shit slaps if it's like fresh but the separate slices I don't like the slices that much I like the square the squares ones they have squares they have squares and you know roses in Williamsburg is also good if you want breakfast sauce cure okay uh

It's Breakfast by Salt Secure. It's on 7th Ave South in the West Village. And that's really good. But you got to get there. Now, you got to, okay, okay, this is important. Yeah, hit them with it. It's a pancake restaurant. They make pancakes out of like oat, kind of like oatmeal-ish, kind of like grain. So it's like how they actually should be made. Okay. And don't use syrup. And don't be pulling up with your bottle of Aunt Jemima. Okay.

Don't be offended. Don't be offended. You can't ask for fucking syrup. No, because they already make it. You don't need it. You sure? It's already sweet. It's already got the sweetness. I promise you don't need it. I got to be honest. Yeah. That's rubbing me the wrong way. Something about that don't feel right. I agree with that. It's fucking pancakes, bro. I want it to be a little wet. I agree. It's fine.

Is there a little butter on there? I mean, they put all of that on there for you. All right, all right. But it's fine. You don't need to worry about a thing. They have grits. I mean, no, they have eggs that have the consistency of grits. It's really kind of strange. Interesting, very airy and fluffy. But yeah, it's a very simple breakfast spot, but it's really cute, really good. I like that. They close at 3, though, so you really got to hustle. You got to hustle. Yeah. You got to hustle. Yeah. Of course. And then, you know, some Greek spots if you're going to want to go to Astoria. Gregory's 26 is my favorite one.

The one that everybody talks about. It's solid. Quiclades. Taverna Quiclades. Good, but I do think if you just go to Astoria, you go to Dipmars, you go to 34th Avenue, 36th Avenue, you're going to find...

A lot of comparable ones. My favorite is probably Gregory's, but you can't go wrong a lot of places. What's the one right here? Ovelia's is good as well. I've never been to... I don't often dine in Astoria. I've never been. Dude, the food's great. And the Greek food. One time you guys got to come, we'll have like a whole Greek dinner. We'll go out to like a fucking... Because it is authentic here. It does feel almost like Greece. So we got to have a nice... We'll get a nice crew together, get some fucking Greek food. We got to take you uptown Harlem. Hell yeah. We got a Red Roosters.

My mom goes there every time she comes in to visit. Really? Check out Red Rooster if you're trying to be around some niggas. If you want to be like somewhere where they're doing the swag serve, where you're getting brushed. Go to Red Rooster. Uh, uh.

Where do we go? I love it. What place do we consistently go to? Golden Diner. Golden Diner. Oh, my God. Yes. Chinatown. Okay. Yeah, they're awesome. Yeah, dude, I've been on the fucking road so much that I feel like I should have don't live in New York. Like, I've been doing the pod and I've seen so many of my friends that I have straight up not seen since, like, before the pandemic. Because it went pandemic-ish.

And I just have been on the road The entire time And it's like all these places I'm like damn I have not been to like Fucking Any of that shit And like I can tell you Well a lot of new shit Has been popping up too Interesting But some of these places Some of these places in New York Like They'll like

It's like, this is not that serious, what y'all are doing here. And it's like, it's cute, but I'm not going to call this place out because the food was decent. It wasn't over the top. But I'm like, it's one of these new spots that's like, we are reimagining the chicken sandwich. No, you're not. No, you're not, bitch.

Is it chicken between bread? Yeah. That's pretty imagined. With Thousand Island dressing on it, dog. This is not special. You know? And they are trying to... But see, it's one of the places that like really like... Oh, our cocktails are very... They're spending like 10 minutes making the food. $19. Yeah, and they're spending so much... I'm like...

It's taking too much time. I'm sitting here and I'm like, where is my fucking drink? No, fuck that. But the place is cute. But that is a nice thing about New York. You have both extremes where you have that and then you have just the sickest meal on paper plates from immigrants that don't give a fuck about you. You can have it all here. So that's a little taste. But we obviously can't give you all our fucking spots. We can't give you everything.

Okay. There's a couple other ones, but look. Golden Diner is that. Get that chicken. Get that chicken. Chicken club. Club sandwich. That's the one. Okay. The wings are bomb there, too. The wings are really good. They give you that big pancake, too, for breakfast. The pancake's bomb there, too. Oh, I love a big pancake. Everything I've had there is good. You need syrup for that. Yeah, yeah.

Me and Elvis went to fucking Texas. We were driving between Austin and Dallas, I think. And we got like one, it was like, oh, we'll split one pancake. This fucker was like legitimately like- Do y'all remember what town you were in? Fuck. It was like between Austin and Dallas. Was it Waco?

No, Waco was closed. It was a Sunday, and Waco closes, but it was that same route. Yeah. We'll find it later. Let's do one more. We've kept the fellas here almost probably, what, two hours, Elders? Yeah, we're at an hour 40 right now. Oh, jeez, we're fucking flying. Let's do one more for the fucking road. What do you guys say? Let's do it. Let's do it. This one's from overseas. Oh, look at that. In Estavi's World International. Oh, shit. Let's see.

Yeah, g'day, Stav. It's Ben calling from New Zealand. Mate, I'm trying to give up marijuana in my 40s. Any advice for someone who's trying to do something as such that's been smoking for 20-odd years? 20 years. And alcohol isn't helping. No shit. Love you, Stav. When have you ever?

Alcohol doesn't help a lot. Oh, it's not helping? Well, there goes my first suggestion. Start getting fucked up. Start getting an addiction to something that's more harmful for you. Bro, that literally happened. This kid that I went to college with, my college roommate, he was addicted to dip. He would do tobacco all the time. And he was trying to quit, and so he started smoking cigarettes. Ha ha ha!

That's the exact same person. I feel like a lot of people I know are on the treadmill between cigarettes and fucking vapes. Where they're like, vapes aren't so bad. I'll just smoke one cigarette to get out of my system. Or people that don't smoke doing nicotine gum because of fucking vaping. But for this guy, how are you guys on? Are you weed guys? I am. You are? I'm not really. Not really? Yeah, Dev is like social. Social.

Yeah. He'll pass it. He'll smoke one. I'll hit it on the way around. But I'll knock down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Me and Elders were sucking some joints off in Vermont. Fuck it. We were getting high as fuck eating shitty pizza. And we watched American Gigolo, Richard Gere. Oh, yeah. Great movie. The perfect movie to watch. Yeah. Great movie. So...

Have you tried to stop Alex at any point? Because I have some advice here. Ever since I picked it up, I haven't put it down. Respect, man. Respect for being able to get through all this fucking have a career and being high as shit. There have been moments where I will cut back. Usually, it's like, oh, I'm broke right now. Let me... Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. But...

I've found, actually, that his problem is mine in reverse. Because, like, where I do smoke a lot, I drink less. So, I mean... Yeah. You're actually... Yeah, I'm a weed guy, not a booze guy. I'll drink, but, like... I'll drink... A couple nights a year, I will get absolutely shit-faced. Just for that experience. Because it's more, again, nostalgia. I want to swag surf. Like, I'm asking the DJ to play swag surf. You know, I'm fucked up. Um...

and then, you know, I'll have, I've become like a couple of little wine. I've become a glass of wine. I'll get there. I'll get there. Like when I drink now, that's what I went on a break right before. I just decided this and that last tour, I was going to stay sober because it was going to at least keep me sort of on the rails. And it was true. This last weekend was the only weekend that I got fucked up and completely fucked my whole body up. Like I was, or like what I had, like,

We come back from a weekend on the road where I'm getting high and it's like I'm just ordering pancakes like from Seamless. That's a tough look. When you're ordering like perishable things, like pancakes and milkshakes from a diner at 1 a.m., you're in a tough spot. I can't say that wasn't my diet like last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't say that that wasn't the case. But I...

I had to go through this where I was getting high every fucking day. And I stopped. And what I really did was just kind of like, you got to admit to yourself that this is a withdrawal. It's not as bad as fucking heroin. But there's going to be three, four days that are going to be atrocious. And there's going to be two weeks probably where your sleep is fucked. Just completely fucked. Fucking Ian is calling me. I mean, give me something else. But I think like you just got to fucking give yourself that time. Mm-hmm.

And also, for me, I needed to fall asleep. That's why I started smoking weed. And the hardest part of the day was not sleeping. So you just got to tuck yourself out. Exercise more. No caffeine. You're going to be a bit of a zombie. But have two horrible weeks. And not even two, maybe. Even in a week, you can get it done. And you'll get there. And then take it as an opportunity to do more health and wellness stuff in general. Also, what is life like where he's from?

I don't know what that's New Zealand's beautiful though too I mean is it a place where you don't want to be high I think going a little fucking you go on a hike you know they film the Hobbit movies there I mean if you in a sick ass fucking place just stay high dog it sounds like he's got a problem Alex

They got that hot Prime minister I don't know I guess You also like If you're living in New Zealand Or something You don't want to be like A 47 year old pothead Or whatever Really So I don't know That's what I'm wondering I'm like I guess my question is like What is it doing to him Like what is it I

guess that's the second part clearly there must be an issue if you're 40 if he's calling into a podcast in another country in a place where they have socialized medicine by the way he's really talk to a fucking therapist yeah that's because i mean you you asking the wrong person because i got high on the way here yeah yeah yeah

But yes, that's my advice to you. Just take three days. Feel like you're a fucking... Feel like you're going through withdrawals. Almost like don't expect yourself to do anything or do time-consuming... You know what I mean? Do like mindless activities. Just get the day through. Watch some movies. Do whatever you need to just power through the hours. And it's going to be horrible because you have a 20-year addiction to this thing. Also, maybe hang out with people who don't do that stuff too. Who don't smoke weed and...

And hit some CBD, hit some fucking sleeping, you know, hit some fucking just melatonin, like that kind of shit. When I did a sober year, one thing that really helped was like thinking long term. And it's like, you know, a year from now, if I look back and be like, oh man, I really wish I smoked weed on this date. Like, will I be sad that I didn't get fucked up any day? And it was like, probably not. Yeah. I'd be fine. Yeah. Normal. But if it is a sick ass party.

There's probably one. I mean, it didn't never happen to you in your year. But like, if I was like, dude, I also stopped nine months early because I wanted to smoke weed at the beach. So I stopped sober year. I stopped nine months, nine months in. Oh, I thought. Okay. My sober year that I stopped nine months early is my three month break.

But yeah, you asked the question. You're like, you know what? I want to smoke weed on the beach. Fuck it. But yeah, good luck, buddy. And, you know, I don't know. I'm sure you have your reasons, even though Alex doubts you. I say try and stay off the weed.

alright well that's good we had a nice little this is a great episode guys thank you so much for coming on I had a fucking blast you guys were awesome it was cool as hell thank you friend yeah of course I can't you know from here we got you that fucking free throw shooting wrist yeah anything you guys want to plug anything people can see you at I ain't doing shit come to the cellar go to the cellar I'm at the comedy cellar all the time

If you live in Arlington, Virginia, I'll be there on January 6th. Okay. January 6th. Did you pick that date? Yeah. Your white alter ego. Like I said. Who you would have been. That's the capital and that's how he got SNL. That's right. That's right. Yeah. So check out these fellas. They're fucking hilarious. And keep watching. Tell your friends. Come see me. Stavi.biz. You know where to find me. Follow Eldis.

Eldest has his fucking Instagram. If he gets 10K followers, he'll show Hole on main. He'll post Hole on close friends. The gay bait. We're all queer baiting. But yeah, thank you guys so much and we'll see you next time. Bye. There it is.