Ali Macofsky 01:50:01

There it is. Hello, everybody. Welcome to Stavi's World. I'm very happy to have my good friend Allie Makovsky here. We're going to fucking answer all your questions. 904-800-STAV if you want us to weigh in. I can't wait. Allie's a fucking, she has so much experience. You know so much. You've had a life of a...

Anytime someone gets sober before they're 21, you know they were a fucking train wreck as a child. Yeah, I feel like if you get sober young, you just start becoming a therapist. Of course. You rush the high of therapizing your whole life and analyzing.

Personalizing everything? You went so hard as like, I don't know, 17-year-old. I don't know why. We haven't gotten really into it. Maybe we'll get into it here. But yeah, she's fucking going to therapy, reading fucking self-help shit. Allie's going to tell us everything. She's going to fucking fix all you motherfuckers. So make sure to get those fucking calls in. Not for her. She's going to be gone by the time you call in. I'm going to be honest with you. But next time, maybe somebody even smarter than Allie will be here.

Which, you know, no disrespect, it's pretty easy to get. Pretty easy, yeah. Yeah. I think you have a lot of emotional intelligence. I think so. But I don't know about, like, regular intelligence. Yeah. Not a good student, I'm guessing. No, I mean, I was a good student. Okay. I was a good student, but then it was, like, it was the classic, like, stop giving a fuck about school and just trying to, like, entertain the class. Right. Class clown. Yeah. Yeah.

smoking black and milds at lunch. No, no. That was more a Baltimore thing? No, I was doing the... Did you, like... You grew up in California. Long Beach. Long Beach. Snoop Dogg. Yeah, Cameron Diaz. Sublime. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Now that's a Holy Trinity. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's all the hitters. Damn, sublime. Hell yeah, now we're talking. I remember just fucking...

Eldest, you were with me too, man. Just seventh grade, listen to them sing about weed, haven't seen it yet. You're like, dude, one day I'm going to see weed and I'm going to smoke it. And I'm going to smoke two joints just like Sublime. Smoke two joints. I'm going to be just like Bradley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they had that weird song about a girl getting like abused. Yeah. Which was just like...

Brutal like on the radio. Yeah, like her whole family is fucking her and like it was horrible and then she yeah, but it's like a fun Scott Just like a lifetime of sexual violence and just like a band that's like we're just having a good time No

Assault. Weed and assault. So yeah, you're in fucking Long Beach. I'm in Long Beach. Like before doing drugs or anything, the big thing was like trying to like breathe in and out really fast and make yourself pass out. Wow. So like Wim Hof, but for getting fucked up. Extreme Wim Hof. Not for self-improvement, but for like doing drugs. I love Wim Hof. He rocks. Yeah. I love his accent when he's telling people to breathe in. He's like fully in.

Yeah. Fully in. I haven't done it, but I respect that you guys were huffing shit. The OG of that, of course, is spinning around in a chair really fast. But yeah, you'd have to huff in and out a bunch of times, like really deep breaths, like so fast, and then spin around. Right. And then you like hold your chest or something really tight, and then you just pass out. We'd do it during PE, and everyone would be like, guess I don't have to run today. It was tight. It was so fun. Respect. Yeah.

Yeah, I was a chair spinner. I don't know that I breathed in and out. I think to show you how cool I was even in college, I remember one time...

Like, the first time I did Adderall, it was to stay awake while I smoked weed and played GameCube with just bros. And we would spin in chairs. Like, we were already on drugs, and then we still spun in chairs. That's how far I was... How far away I was from getting pussy my sophomore year of college. Where it was just me and the fucking... I joined this, like, fraternity that I was like, oh, it'll be sick. We'll get pussy. It was just, like, a bunch of... Like, one guy got pussy in the fraternity. And I was like, what? Now I just have, like...

It's like his high school girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like not even anyone knew him then. He didn't use any of his college swagger. Yes, it was like one guy with a college girlfriend, one guy who was engaged in college. No. And then one actual pussy getter. Yeah. And it was just like, you know, you got one. Did you go to a bad school? I went to the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Okay. So it's like a really bootleg...

It's one of the shittier University of Maryland systems. So you know the Terps, like the big school, College Park. Eldest actually went there. But he wasn't getting pussy either. He was doing college radio at the time. Yeah, it didn't make a difference. It was a party school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I at least had an excuse. I went to the parties and the parties were like 12 guys in a dorm room. One girl who was like... Like not even... Like not scared of a sublime situation. It wasn't that. It was just like...

just so off-put by how little masculine energy was in this. Everyone's just ignoring the woman to play Pong. - We should start calling any, like, any sort of, like, sexual misconduct, like, just a sublime situation. - A sublime situation. - Ooh, did you get sublimed? - Oh no.

Fuck, dude, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I also went to a college like that where it was like a big commuter college. Yeah, so ours was a commuter school. Yeah, and so with that comes not the most brilliant minds. No, no. People who have like 12 kids already and they're like, this is just the easiest option. We had a lot of like foreign, because it was a good academic school. Oh, okay. We had one of those guys...

The professor or the director of the school was like this, he was like a super brilliant guy, but it's like one of those guys where you're like, you must never see your family. Because he just transformed this horrible school into like a real powerhouse academically. But also, he was a fucking nerd. We got offered, because we were so close to Baltimore, the Ravens were like, hey, we want a practice facility and we'll build you a stadium, we'll do everything, but you just need a football team. Whoa.

And he was like, no. Because he was like, no. We were like the best chess school. Like, that goes to show you what we're dealing with here. So yeah, I was spinning around on Adderall, getting no pussy. A guy in my fraternity went to rehab for World of Warcraft. No. No. No.

Okay, we're all laughing, but wouldn't you love to go to rehab for like social media? Yeah, that's true. I would love just a little break. That would be nice. That is really funny though to picture him and other World of Warcraft heads, other WoW heads just being like... How that room smelled. Yeah. Someone have a controller? Day one of that. They're just fidgeting. They get into Rubik's cubes like, I gotta use my thumbs. Yeah. So yeah, that's kind of... But in high school, early on, yeah, our shit was like...

I don't know, smoking weed behind the CVS, that kind of thing. Yeah. But, yeah. What was your... So you were just spinning around early on in Long Beach? Yeah, spinning around, which is like a pretty good early sign of how you're going to do drugs and alcohol. Right, the kids that are spinning around when they're eight. If you're chasing a high in P in sixth grade, you're most likely going to get fucked up. Yeah, I mean, I would feel like

I was trying to be a stoner because you know it's Long Beach it's Long Beach it's the cult when in Rome yeah so I like tried to be a stoner for so long and I had this friend tried to be so funny I tried to be it's like how do you not it just didn't work every time I smoked

I got way too high, way too fucked up. Always thought that I was shitting myself or freaking out. So you're ruining the vibe. You're harshing the vibes. Oh, absolutely. But there was this friend of mine, Seth. I think his name's Seth. I haven't talked to him since high school. But he had cancer in high school. Not Hodgkin's lymphoma, so pretty chill, I think, in the world of cancer. When someone gets a really treatable one and really milks it, it's like...

No, it was great, though, because we were in high school, so he milked it by being able to smoke weed and be high at school. And then we'd go to his house after, and he'd have, like, really good weed. Wow, so you really lucked out that a friend got cancer. Yeah, getting hooked up with our bald homie. Yeah. And, yeah, every time I just, I was like, I'm going to die. And Seth was like, no, I'm going to die. Yeah.

It's like, I swear I'm dying right now. And he's like, I have chemo tomorrow. I'm like, okay. I have cells in my body trying to destroy me from the inside. And I'm like, and I can't swallow this granola bar. I think Stewie just gave me a message to kill myself. I'm pretty sure Brian and Stewie are going to come out of the TV and murder me. Which is also the cutest drug to try and sober up from. Because every time I was like, I'm way too high, people would be like, do you want some milk and cookies? Yeah.

It's like a very Christmas... It's like coffee, maybe, milk and... Just to wake you up. Yeah. A little snack and a nap. Yeah. It's like... Sobering up from weed is like how you treat a little baby having a fit. Yeah. It's like, let's get you a little... Here. Let's get you dessert. Settle down. You're going to be okay. Let's get you dessert. We'll put on a cartoon. Yeah. And here's a warm blanket. Yeah. Which is the best. But then I was like, okay, weed doesn't work. So then I went right into cocaine. Right to coke. And that was great. Oh, yeah. How old are we talking? I don't know.

I would say probably like 11th grade. Okay, hell yeah, junior. Yeah, junior in high school. Junior in high school, coax around. I probably would have done it sooner, but I had a boyfriend at the time, and we were both kind of very much like high school relationship, like never leave the house, hang out all the time. Right, right, right. Do nothing. So once we broke up, I like went straight in. Interesting. I had to make up for lost time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love the idea of someone worried about their PSATs and where they're going to get cocaine at the same time. It's like, because there was definitely cocaine popped up. Well, I didn't take the PSATs. I'm sorry. I forgot who I was dealing with. Didn't have a lot of stressors going on. Um,

Coke popped up in Baltimore, I would say, my senior year. What was popular in high school? Because a lot of kids at my school were doing Xanax, which I've never done. I don't see. I think it's just... Yeah, yeah. I think you were real advanced. I mean, Baltimore was just like... It was weed. It was just like... That's it? We smoked weed. We got fucked up. Cocaine popped up in the... We also went to public schools. So it's like... I think the private school kids... There was a school in Baltimore where it was like...

There was a prostitution ring. Like middle schoolers were like, some middle schoolers like pimping out girls to jack off their like their classmates. No way. But that's, but those were the rich kids. They were so rich. They're doing pills. They're doing cocaine. We were just fucking literally smoking black and milds.

Like, getting high off black and mild is because, you know, inhaling them. And then, like, smoking blunts and, like, friends would sell cocaine. But it was more like, we didn't really do it. It was like, you know, and like, you know, maybe some psychedelics got in there. How old are you? I'm 33. Okay.

Because I remember in high school, it was like texting and the advancement of technology. I remember this kid got an iPhone in seventh grade, the first iPhone. He was the only one we knew. And I got to sit next to him in English class, and we would cheat on tests because he had Google on his phone, which was crazy. I was like, this rocks. Wow. This is a generational difference for sure. But then we had a sexting scandal. Oh, wow. Because, you know. Everyone took turns on his phone. Beating off. Yeah.

No, people, there was a girl at our school who sent a guy a photo and then he sent it to like everyone until we were in the news. A minor sublime. Yeah. Not a full sublime, just a mild sublime. Yeah.

Just lying. Wow, in the news. Yeah. Look at you guys. That's interesting. So your parents just, cocaine slipped under the radar? What was going on? I'm the third child. You're the third. You're the baby. Yeah. They were divorced, right? They're divorced. Yeah. So I was raising myself. Me and cocaine. Cocaine was my dad. Jameson was my mom. But yeah, I mean,

I feel like I handled it pretty well. I'd be like, oh, I'm hanging out with my friends or I'm like going out and they were like cool with me going out to like party. Right. Hilarious. They were partiers. You told me your parents met, they were both longshoremen. Is that right? No, they met at a 12 step convention in the desert. They met at like a, I think it was a cocaine anonymous convention. Wow. You had no chance? You were set for life. I was set for life, yeah. Wait, but they were longshoremen, right? Or no? So, yeah, but.

they. Because I remember thinking that was a hilarious detail. Yeah. No they met at a 12 step convention in the desert and then fell in love. Which by the way you're not supposed to fuck at the 12th. You have to like go through it. No you can fuck. I think you're not supposed to isn't it? You can. Depending on how sober. I mean everyone has their own way of doing things. If you're going back to like. If you're

brand new. If you're fresh and sober, then it's probably not the best idea to just start hooking up with crazy alcoholics and drug addicts. Isn't that what they call the 13th step? 13th step, yeah. Is when, like, someone fucks, like, a young impressionable person. Yeah, you're like, oh, I'll take you through the steps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they get 13th stepped or were they, how were they in the process? I think they were both fairly, like,

They had a few years maybe under their belt. Nice. I don't know the love story that well. I've heard just bits and pieces. Oh, yeah, because they were, how old were you when they got divorced? Like five. Ah, so you didn't grow up in the good times. No, no. I know my sisters. I'm like, what was that like? They loved each other? These two people? Yeah, these two people that I've only known to fucking fight and like, you know. Well, it was nice because they got divorced before. Like, I only remember like a few fights growing up. Yeah.

But then when they got divorced, I was so stoked because I didn't know them as like a happy couple. Right, right, right. So I only knew them as like kind of bitter. There was nothing sad. So once they were divorcing, I was like, this rocks. This is great. I'm happy for you guys. I sat down with them. I was like, I'm really proud of you guys. It's a mature decision. Do you guys want to bang some lines to celebrate? Yeah.

You took your teddy bear to just do cocaine with you? You're like, you have your stuffed animals. I do my line and then I'm like, your turn. Yeah, yeah, instead of a tea party, you had cocaine parties. Starting fake cocaine. Oh, Barbie wants a line.

And then they were, my dad was a traveling salesman, which means he was a cheater. Yeah, yeah. First of all, in the fucking 80s, 90s. Oh, yeah. That's not even a job. They need to have it like a more updated version of Mad Men. Right. Like instead of ad sales, then it's like traveling salesman from like the 90s to early 2000s. Right, right. I think you like your dad a lot because it's not even close to as glamorous as Mad Men.

It's not mad men. It's like you're not fucking like some socialite. You're getting your dick sucked in a trailer park in exchange for a vacuum. You're like, I'll throw in this attachment if you jack me off. She's like, all right, hurry up. My husband not back for a while. Just takes out her teeth to suck your dad's dick.

That's not exactly fucking Jon Hamm in a three-piece suit. That's why it would be good. It's the working man's madness. You're right. It's your dad slipping his cock through some fucking khakis with Docker Stain Defender and getting his face sucked out.

Hilarious. Traveling salesman is such a... That's like working at a blockbuster now. Like, that wasn't even really a job, even in the 90s. Yeah. That's insane. Yeah, he was selling, like, washing parts. Wash, like... Yeah, like Napa Auto parts, I think. It's so interesting. Yeah, I don't know. Just a job that, like...

How did it hang on even one day after the internet was invented? Oh, yeah. It doesn't make any sense. Amazon is the traveling salesman now. Damn. What's he up to these days? He's still a longshoreman. So he was a traveling salesman. My mom was working at Lindoro, which is like a weight loss clinic.

Hell yeah. Just two fake jobs. Two fake jobs. Two of the most 90s fake jobs. Like Jenny Craig. Lindoro's like Jenny Craig Weight Watchers type of shit. And your dad was a traveling salesman. A very 90s existence. Yeah. Those jobs all went away. And then my mom, a lot of people in my mom's family, they're from, my mom's family's from like San Pedro area in LA, which has a big Greek community. Maybe I'll pop in. Big Greek, big Italian community. Yeah.

And a lot of her family's like longshoremen. So she decided to get into that. Nice. And then she got my dad into that. Ah, so she got him the gig. Interesting. All right, nice. Yes, they were both longshoremen and they still work together. Really? Yeah, my dad will like group text me and my sisters and be like, I'm working with your mom, rolling eye emoji. And then my mom will text me and my sisters and be like, just so I know. Oh, that's sad.

That's fucking hilarious. That is some like true sitcom shit. Like if it's fake, like if you wrote a script about, yeah, my parents are longshoremen. My divorced parents are longshoremen that work together. They'd be like, this is a little far fetched. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. So you're just like, so you're growing up in the chaos. So that's why you can just.

Do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. Your sisters are how much older than you? Seven and five years older than me. Oh, so you had quite a little... Little gap. Little gap there, especially the older one. The older one probably got the best childhood, right? Probably. Yeah. But I would also debate maybe the worst because she got to see what it was like and then be like, well, what the fuck happened? Whereas me, it's always just been what the fuck. Yeah, you've existed in reality. That's what is normal to me. Right, right, right. But to her, she had like two different realities. So how... Okay. Okay.

Let's test your hypothesis. What's her life look like now? Really good, actually. Yeah, now that I think about it, maybe she did get the good end of the stick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is interesting, though, to see the different attachment styles. Right, there we go. To therapize this. The different attachment styles, because she's very codependent.

Like with our parents, like she's very much the one that we all turn to. She's the parental figure. She keeps things in order. And then I'm very much like, you tell me where to go. Right, right, right. I'll be there. Yeah, I definitely have had to, I definitely had to deal with that. Elders, you got to be the baby, right? Your sister did everything? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My sister, like, I don't know. I just remember, like, being a kid, we would go everywhere because we're like, you

His parents didn't even really speak English. Yeah, they spoke it, but, you know, it was rough. And, like, my sister would be, like, 11 years old and have to, like, go up to people in the store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember one time I was, like, seven or something. We were lost in the fucking mountains in West Virginia just on a family trip.

And Marilyn goes in. She's like 12 years old. And she like, they're like, go ask how we get back. She's like, okay. She's like fucking 12. A 12 year old doesn't know like driving directions. She came back and she's like, they're like, okay, what'd they say? She's like, oh, I think you said that way or this way. And they're like, what? You don't even know? She's like, I'm 12.

Why don't you go with me, motherfuckers? I could have fucking... Yeah, I definitely... I had that. You get to be the fucking... But you've had women make decisions for you your whole life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got... I had to be the... Because I'm the firstborn, so I had to... And my parents are foreign. Not as foreign as... My mom is probably the least foreign. Of our four parents, my mom is probably the one who speaks the most English and can get around. But I still had to do a nice amount of like...

and like I would proofread documents like legal documents and shit. Yeah, you're like doing their taxes and you're like what is this? No, I wrote like my mom would write a lot of letters and I would have to like she'd complain about whatever the fuck, you know. Um...

She was a big compl... They tried to get like a strip club put in our neighborhood, like literally a block away. My mom had like a big like, no, kind of, you know, campaign. So there are a bunch of immigrants in Baltimore? Oh, I mean, I grew up in... It's just a Greek neighborhood. It's called Greektown. Oh, okay.

But yeah. Then what the hell is the Albanian community up to over there? I remember like, I think there are a lot of Albanians in Essex. Yeah, there's some Albanians there too. Do you think there's like brochures in Albania being like, Baltimore, the city of dreams. Everyone's like, we got to get out there. Baltimore is one of the few cities that if you come from Albania, it's a just pure step up.

It's not even a fucking question. I mean, I'm not... Like, Greece is just a little better, don't get me wrong. Like, my family's from Athens, and I go there, I go back there, and I'm like, oh, it's Athens, Greece, major city. And it's like, these motherfuckers don't have dryers. They literally have clothespins on their shit. There's no real... Like, the mattress technology there is hysterical. Everyone sleeps on, like... When you went to camp as a kid, that's what everyone's mattress looks like. They're thin as fuck. There's just so much, like, shit you take completely for granted. But then...

like being from here my whole life and not knowing anything different, I'm like, oh,

Oh, that's so romantic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So dreamy. It's romantic until you have fucking lower back pain and you're sweating through every night because of the fucking fan. They've been using, my grandfather had a fan without the guard. Like, they hadn't invented the guard when he bought his fan. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Just death traps everywhere. Like, literally, he would like nick his finger on it and say, just get a new fan. It's like metal and sharp. No joke. It was literally metal. It wasn't even like a plastic one.

Um, so yeah, we're dealing, we're dealing with that kind of shit. But, but yeah, I do think, yeah, who knows with your sister going back to the original point, it's like she probably, she got to see it, but at least like it implanted some healthy shit in her brain. Yeah. Whereas you got like, you know, fucking people just shitting on each other. Yeah. Nobody, nobody living in the same house. Like it must be, we're talking about it a little earlier. It's like, we all like my shit with my family. It's like,

What you think is a good relationship because you're a little kid is just so fucked up. Yeah. Because no one I knew had a good marriage. There was no Greek people I knew that like were happy. Someone was cheating. Someone was like, you know, just like stealing money. You know what I mean? Like we had no good parental role models. Even if they were good people and like good parents, they weren't good. They didn't have a good relationship. Yeah.

You might be fucked, is what I'm saying. Yeah, but I'm working on it. You're working on it. Nice. Hell yeah. I have a lot of breakthroughs in therapy. A lot of breakthroughs in therapy. Nice. I want to talk about therapy, but how did you... I do want to hear about how buckwild it got and when you decided to get sober so young. Okay. Because I met you, you were already sober. Yeah.

You're like 21, right? Yeah. 20? How old were you? 21. Yeah. Maybe 20. I don't remember. How old are you now? 27. Okay. Yeah, because I met you pretty early on when I was in New York. You were just coming to do like shows and stuff. Yeah. And yeah, because I remember being like going to a bar. Because that's like, you know, when you first moved to New York, it's like you would do like one good show every three weeks. So then you were just like, most of it is hanging out. Yeah. So you meet people. It's mostly at a bar. Pretty much everyone's like getting fucked up because it's like...

You have to come back to your shitty apartment where you have a... When you're new to a city and newer to comedy, you're like, this is the life. This is it, baby. Me and the boys just drinking some brewskis, getting fucked up. Getting fucked up, going to a diner. Yeah, we're going to say some crazy shit. It's going to be hilarious. We're rock stars. Just being hacks. Just being like... Just things you saw on a shitty TV show about comedy, trying to live that way. Like, dude, this is like Opie and Anthony right now.

Dude, this table is basically the seller's back table. I'm Patrice. You're Gary Goleman. It's like we were like... It's like kids playing doctor. Yeah, yeah. You be Bill Burr. Yeah. It literally is. You're like 20, you know, from 19 to like 25. There's a little bit of that. And then you're like, this is fucking pathetic. Some of your friends are getting married. I was with my friends.

Like last night I was with my friends at the stand and we were like sitting at the table eating and talking and in my head in the back of my head I'm like this is like the shows. Well it gets to the point where you're like it is but who cares.

Like this is just my life now. I'm not trying to be in the show. I'm just trying. My stupid, I just want to get home. My spots are like too, why did they, why couldn't, could I have gone last on the first show and first on the other one? I hate being, you know, like you're having those thoughts where you're like, oh, the train. But early on, it's like you would go to a club with no spot.

Just to hang out just to do that so I met you then and I was like oh she you know everyone's getting fucked up and you were like young and not drinking I was like that's and that's what I was like. Oh, she must have been a fucking Lunatic at like 17 or something like that yeah, because Bobby Kelly is the same way where he got sober like when he was like 18 Yeah, and he was like drinking. You know he's like a 12 year old kid just get drinking moonshine in a park or

or whatever the fuck, you know what I mean? Like, getting fucking stabbed or something. Yeah, I remember, like... Going to juvie. In high school, doing, like, Coke and stuff with my friends. Like, we were doing it so much to the point where, like, we could eat full meals while fully, like... Gacked out on Coke. Like, we would go to this one spot and just be, like, pounding burritos, just shoveling them in our face. And, like, before we went into the restaurant, we were, like, doing lines in the car. Yeah, yeah. Um...

Who sells Coke to children? I don't know. That was the one thing that I'm very glad about is that I never figured out who sold it. I just like when I would party, I would buy it from my friends. Gotcha. But I didn't know who to reach out to to get my own. That's good. That's a tough one. Very responsible.

very responsible yeah you towed the line yeah um and then yeah and then i just started drinking a shit ton when i went to college nice hell yeah and then i like crashed my car in a blackout yeah my terrible because that was the thing it was like the parties there they weren't like cool parties it was like house parties it was in north county san diego so it's like away from like the fun downtown san diego area it's literally like house parties there's like ranchero guys out

there it's like these hispanic dudes in the cowboy hats like that's the vibe there's people with like horses fuck it's just like dirt roads so it's like west coast farm yeah yeah really weird vibe so everyone's just like there's no one cool at this school right it's like literally like the losers from high school who went to this school right right right now like think that they're cool why did you go there it was the only one i got into

And I had money saved up for college, so I'm like, I have to go. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right, because you had some weird, you were like a weird child radio star or something, right? Yeah, I was on Kiss FM with Ryan Seacrest. The Z100 of the West Coast, Kiss FM. And yeah, I had a job at the age of seven, and I shouldn't be shamed for working hard. Two years after the divorce. And you know what the best part is? What's that? My dad stole money from me.

for outdoor patio furniture. This loser man stealing from his seven-year-old daughter to get a better smoking cigar lounge in the backyard. - A better setup. - Yeah. So once all of my funds were ripped through from the outdoor furniture, I had a little bit left over for college.

Have you confronted him about the patty? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he probably just laughs it off. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen... You post your dad on social media. He does seem like a good hang. He's a good hang. He seems like a fucking good hang. But that's, like, the problem is, like, he's always been a good hang. Dad, not so... That's how I feel, too, where it's, like, I think about my dad and it's, like, I think I would be friends with him because he is really fun. Like, we have...

Me and my brothers are all pretty funny, and I love my mom. She's one of the best people. She's not very funny, right? It's interesting to watch her after having three sons who are... We're all dickheads and funny in a separate way. Yeah. And it's interesting because she's kind of become funnier the older she gets because it's just me and my brothers nonstop trolling her and whatever. But my dad has always been kind of funny. And again, same thing. It's like...

He's a pretty good hang. Like, you know, him and his boys are all laughing. He's not, you know, he's missing soccer games because he's hanging out. You know what I mean? Like, he's like, oh, fuck, I forgot about this. And it's like, you know, like at my like a wedding or something, he'll get really fucked up. He's not he wasn't a big drinker, but when he did, he would be fun. Like, I remember the first he was so strict about letting me drive.

when I was like 15 and I and then we go to like a baptism or something and he just gets so fucked up and he's got this giant like work truck because he's a carpenter and he's like good news buddy time to drive laughing

It's like 1 a.m. I haven't driven. He's let me drive in a parking lot. And it's not that far away, but it's still like, you're so fucked up. I have my learner's permit. I'm 15 years old. The same thing happened to my sister. Really? Yeah, my dad was at my cousin's bar mitzvah. It was baseball-themed bar mitzvah. And my dad makes a speech, and he's sloshed. And I haven't seen my dad get drunk that often, but this is like a

standout moment for me. My dad's making the speech. It's on video somewhere and he's like, well now I'm going to be your baseball coach. You're going to the big leagues. Jackie Robinson, you. And then we're leaving and my dad is driving. Yeah. He doesn't even have the wherewithal to be like, maybe the oldest sister with the Lerner's permit should do it. He's like, I got this. The whole fam's in the car. Oh, the whole fam. Me and my sister's, my dad.

We're in the car. We're just sitting in the back like this. And my dad gets pulled over. Oh, my God. He gets pulled over and he goes, she has her learner's permit. She'll drive. And so my sister, 15 years old. What, the cop just lets him get away with that? Yes. Hysterical. These crooked cops. These fucking defund. White privilege has gone too far.

It's true because then when I crashed my car in a blackout, highway patrol came because my car was totaled. It wouldn't drive off the freeway. Trust me, I tried. I'm trying to drive it off the freeway and I'm like...

You wake up, you're like, I just got to get it going. That's what happened. I was like, I don't even remember driving at all. I think I might've fallen asleep. Like I might've had the sleepy drunk or I'm just passed out. Cause I didn't hit anyone. It's like three in the morning. I must've been driving so slow, but I hit the center divider and I like wake up all of a sudden. I'm like, I'm alert. I'm focused.

And I'm trying to move my car. It's not working. And I just bought a brand new car. Oh. Just bought a brand new car. All that Seacrest money. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. I bought a brand new car. I mean, it wasn't, it was like a Honda Fit. Sure. Come on. I'm humble. I'm modest. Of course. Brand new. Well, a lot of that money was gone on fucking umbrellas and fucking recliners. I only had a few options to choose from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the car dealership. Your dad had one of those like fucking outdoor heater, heat lamps. Yeah. So he could smoke cigars in the wintertime. My dad's driving a convertible.

I'm like, am I Honda fit? No, this is good. No, this is good. And so I'm like, it has the alarm activated thing. Like when you total your car, it like sends out the message. So now highway patrol's on their way. And you're just fucked up. Yeah. And you're how old, like 20? I'm 19. 19, hell yeah. And. Blotto getting fucked up at the Ranchero house.

You're just coming off a farm. This was after an open mic, which is so embarrassing. Oh, my God. I was like celebrating an open mic. It was my friend's birthday. It was my friend's birthday. So after the open mic, we went to the bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a few drinks. I was like buying people at the bar shots. People I didn't know. Just strangers. Just trying to be loved. Being cool. And then, yeah, I drove. Highway Patrol comes. And I was like, I'm just, I start crying. I'm so tired. I'm like, come on.

I've been a comedian for like a year. Bringing that up. That's such open mic behavior to let even the cop. I would never do that now. Of course not. But at the time I was like, I'm a comedian. Oh,

- Oh yeah, when you start, you're like, I've done three open mics, I'm a comedian. And the fact that you would bring it up to a cop potentially about to give you a DUI to make you sympathetic or impress him just shows you what open mic or brain you had. Like that, you didn't have the wherewithal not to drive drunk, right? But your brain was like, I should mention I'm a comedian.

He might really like comedy. It wasn't like, let me sleep on a couch. It was like, let me let him know. Well, I did try and sleep on a couch. I went back to the open mic because there was this open mic in LA where the guy who ran the open mic lived at the space. Oh, my God. It was a sad vibe. A dark vibe. That sucks. And so I knock on the door. It's like 3 in the morning. He opens it. And I was like, can I crash here? And he's like, Ali, it's 3 in the morning. You can't be here. Yeah. And so I think I was going to sleep in my car, but then decided to just turn it on. I'm almost there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's only an hour away where I'm staying. Wow. Listen, going back to a guy who lives at an open mic blackout at 3 a.m., you also avoided another possible sublime. That's a real sublime. I got it. My sublime stopped because he was with a woman in there. That's why I couldn't stay. It could have been me.

Yeah, it's true. But yeah, the highway patrol came and I was like, I'm just so tired. I'm out every night. Just, you know, bringing joy to people. Changing lives.

With my pussy jokes. Telling me about how fucked up my pussy is. How it leaks. And they put me in the car. They're like, you can wait here. We'll call your sisters. They'll pick you up. So just like sit in the car and chill. And I'm sitting in the back seat. God damn. And I just talked to my friend Kevin, who's one of those like comedians slash lawyers. There's a few of those around. Sure, sure, sure. I know what you mean. And so he... Yeah, I'm guessing he's a really good lawyer. Okay.

Like the week prior, we were at the comedy store and he was like, yeah, I work with a lot of DUIs and you don't have to do tests on site. You can always fight that. So this is just luck. Luckily, you had had this conversation. So then I get real Karen vibes and I'm like, you gotta test me. Yeah, you flip immediately. Oh, yeah. Test me. And they were like, no, we don't. We're fine. They didn't even bring it up. No. No.

That's awesome. And my sisters finally came to pick me up, and they were like, you reek of alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah. Pulled it off. Pulled it off. Let you off the hook. Yeah. And is that when you got sober? No. No. It took two more Honda fits? Yeah. One more. One more. Did you total another car? Well, that was my second car I totaled. Oh, okay.

I had just bought a brand new Honda Fit, and then four days after I bought it, I had totaled it trying to get some dick at a hostel. Nice. I made an illegal U-turn to get a really good parking spot. Yeah, there were some Australian guys. Nice. Were they hot? Probably not. Nice. Don't remember what they looked like. You were drunk as shit also? No. Oh, sober. I think I was sober, yeah, but drunk on some dick. Drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just once I had them. Pheromones. Yeah.

Come over. I'll give you some penis. And you were like, right away, sir. In a hostel, too. Three Lithuanians on bunk beds just watching you get your shit smacked by some Australians. Have you ever hooked up in a hostel? No, no. Thank God I've never. You have to put towels over the bunk beds. That's hysterical. So you're seasoned. You've fucked in a lot of hostels. That was my first time.

I've been to that hostel before. That hostel. Oh, Allie's back, guys. Oh, hey, Allie. Who are you fucking this? What nationality is it this time? You have a little punch card. You have to get a different flag. Morocco. Australia. My passport. Yeah.

The dick passport? No, that's interesting. I mean, I think a passport is a dick passport. I think it's true. If you like traveling and you're single. Sure, a single lady. You don't travel just to see things. That's true. Some people do. Some people do. A little taste of the culture. Especially depending on the culture, you know, they are going to try and fuck you at most places. There was one hostel I was in. I was in London. And I was staying at this hostel and it was like...

six person room. So it was three bunk beds. And I get in, I check in and it's empty. And I'm like, oh, I get this kind of sick. It's like only me. And so I settle down, I take a nap and I hear some noise. I wake up from my slumber and it's five Australian guys just jacked little like... Holy shit. A rugby team. Yes. And then I was like sublime.

I spoke to the judge in the morning. You guys ever heard of Sublime? Are you guys looking for your... Stop it, Ely! You're sucking all them off? No! No! We've seen all girlfriends. I don't care. I didn't come all the way to Long Beach not to get stuffed up. I'm trying to get airtight. Two in each, one in the mouth. Let's get this going.

A girl only sees London every so often. No, not me, Bellend. No, that's London, Bellend. But I don't know how you say dick in Australian. I'm sorry, folks. I really butchered that riff. But we had fun until that point. Everyone's like, did you see something, Ben?

How many of these guys did you fuck? I think just one. Just one, okay. It's a little blurry. Sure, sure, sure. I've never... One time, me and my buddy stayed at a... I just told this story on the Soda episode, so I won't tell the whole thing, but the closest I've come to a hostile situation is one time my friend was fucking a girl. He didn't even really want to fuck, and I was just watching on an iPad. I was watching The Grand Budapest Hotel. So that's the closest I've gotten. But I don't... I get too nervous. I don't want other people around. Yeah. I would be too nervous. Yeah.

I don't think I've even fucked with anyone else in the room. Like, even like on some college shit.

I mean, now at this point, now that I'm sober, even like living in an apartment, I'm like, oh, my neighbor. Like, I'm in here. I'm just playing the quiet game during sex. I mean, in this apartment, because it used to be, now it's just me. We've turned this, this was Eldest's old room, actually. We've turned the master into the studio. At one point, we had five people in this three bedroom. And it was like, everyone knew the tempo everyone else fucked at. That's so true.

so like it was like i i've heard every one of my closest friends bust um except maybe let's bleep his name out but i don't think i've heard i don't think i heard our boy bust but yeah definitely i know eldest's lazy stroke i could i could with my eyes closed i could be like yep that's eldest yeah i used to live in this house and i had this roommate uh

And he was like a screenwriter. That's what he said. I don't know if he was. LA, yeah, of course. Yeah, he was like a screenwriter. Everyone who buys Final Cut is a screenwriter. Or Final Draft is a screenwriter in LA. And he would show me his scripts and he would refer to all the women in the script as broads. Hell yeah. And we shared a wall. And at one point, I didn't know where his bed was in his room, but it turned out our beds were touching on the wall. And so when he would have a girl over, I could just...

hear it and I could like I could hear that she was faking an orgasm because I'm like no one's having that good of a time of course not from that guy it sounded too cute it's not guttural yeah it's not a little fucked up and disgusting yeah it was like watching a porn yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh and he was like yeah I've seen Annie Hall about 42 times because it's it's what I put on when girls come over oh

Disgusting. This guy sucks. Yeah. Yeah, there's no way that guy knows how to make someone bust. Yeah. The people that know how to make someone bust, they're watching Chopped when they have sex. Chopped stays on when we fuck. I gotta see who fucking won. I gotta see if the fucking Buffalo Egg Rolls took it home. I hope it's not Chopped Kids. Ha ha ha.

I definitely have started watching. I've been like, we can't watch Chopped Kids. Chopped Kids has come on. That was my go-to. I just love Chopped. There was definitely a couple of years, maybe a year in my life where I fucked a lot to Chopped. Yeah.

Who were the hosts on that? Fucking Ted. What's his name? Ted, he was on the original Queer Eye. He was the food guy on the original Queer Eye. I forget his last name. He's great. Yeah. But Chopped is a fucking, what a program. Do you guys watch like random, because I'll masturbate, but I'm like very, I can't focus on one thing at a time. So I'll be like, I'll be on like TikTok or something.

thing and then while beating off no well yes okay but i'll just like be on tiktok at night you know before bed and then i'm like oh you know i should i should masturbate right and but i'm like but tiktok is so good i know i'm not gonna turn so then i'm watching and my boyfriend's like that's the craziest thing so you're watching tiktok and beating off yeah

TikTok in my left hand. Yeah, I'm just scrolling. But it's like just some guy's building a pool in his yard. A girl's dancing. So what part of your brain is beating... What are you beating off, too? Or are you just doing it purely mechanically? Purely mechanically, yeah. No emotions. That's wild, bro. It's like beating off of the TV on. But isn't that like having chops in the background? It's not.

She's not fully paying attention. But you're holding it in your hand. But if you're watching porn, aren't you holding it in your hand? Yeah, but you're actively holding the thing. What I'm saying is the holding makes it not a passive thing. Once you're holding, it's active. If your phone was here, and TikToks are kind of doing, but you're scrolling and beating...

I don't know. Only for the beginning part. Okay, okay. Once things start getting more exciting, I got to be hands-free. Okay, fully in. Okay, all right, all right. I'll give you that. It's the whole thing that, for me personally, I think that's the Rubicon. Got it. That it's like, once you cross that, it's a little strange. Now, for me, and I'm not on, I'm trying to get on, I totally have taken TikTok off my phone, but Instagram tricks you and they have bootleg TikTok on Instagram. Yeah.

So my whole algorithm is half of it is things I would beat off to. Is your Instagram reels, is it a lot of women just doing this? Just bouncing? Yeah, it's like a POV style video. I don't get the basically soft core porn, but I get a lot of workout stuff because I have started lifting a little bit. And so I'll watch them out of, it started with me watching like some would pop up.

And I would be like, oh, that's interesting. And then it would be like a girl would do it. But, you know, and then it's just like, it's just turned into like the hottest jacked women. Yeah. And now I'm like, I could easily beat off to this stuff. Yeah. And so a lot of it will start with, it's almost like the appetizer for beating off. Where I'm like, that would be sick to fuck her. And then I'm like, let's fucking...

giant thighs on X videos. You know what I mean? A woman wrestles man. You know what I mean? Jacked woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fitness model, you know? So in that case, I could see it. But I've never just been looking at like, you know,

I've never had a string of like, oh, here's a puppy. Oh, here's a delicious sandwich. And I'm beating off. You know what I mean? You gotta try it sometimes. I'll give it a whirl. Who knows? Pavlov's dog. Now I just start beating off when it's like a weight loss journey thing or like a fucking... Just a dance video. I don't even fucking know. My shit is pretty varied, but it's zoomed in on... My algorithm has basically become jacked hot ladies...

Um...

There is like some like weird little protein powder desserts because I'm always trying to like sneak a dessert in. We like to have meathead ice cream around here, which is like Greek yogurt protein powder and a little fucking, you know, some toppings here and there. And then it's like also I think it's realized that I'm started... Like everyone in my family, a lot of my closest friends, some are married, some are having kids. Like I'm starting to think about like, damn, I'm fucking 33. Like...

Maybe I should like have it. So some of it is like some of it is like hot women, but not like overly sexual, just almost like like if you're really hot wife was modest. I get a lot of those women and then I get like, you know, big titties and like curly hair, but they're not dressed like they're not trying to. It's like a nice lady you would you'd want to go on a date with who happens to be wildly hot.

And then also I'll get like women like like or like baby videos because like don't you want a family? And it's like that's what it is. It's like the horny shit. It's like, oh, you love to fuck this like jacked woman. And then it's like, but what if wouldn't you like to go on a date with this woman? And then with her, wouldn't you like to make a sweet child to raise? And then it's like burgers. It's like it's like my whole it's like become a fat dad. Yeah. I'm an obese father. And I'm like.

Sounds pretty nice, you know? Yeah, I have a lot of baby stuff online. A lot of baby stuff. Yeah, my sister just had a baby, so now I'm like looking at baby stuff. Auntie. But it's hard because now I'm like, I'm taking in all this information about babies and I want to tell my sister, but I don't have, I can't just be like, so I saw this thing on TikTok. Right, right, right, right, right. And you should actually be doing

this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, shut the fuck up. I call our friend, one of our best, she also lived here. We originally moved in here, me, Eldest, and our friend. And she just had a kid. And, like, I will never tell her. Every time I call her, it's like, hey, what's up? And she's like, yeah,

Just this little asshole screaming. And it's like, you really see it because it's like, this is, he's a parasite. Yeah. He like sucks all her life. He's literally taking the nutrients from her and like needs her attention at all times. And I'm like, whatever you need to make this fucker. So like she, I just go visit her. She's in Baltimore. I would go visit her. And it's like, I see like,

I just see how worn down. She's just like, can somebody hold him for 12 minutes? Yeah, it's brutal. And I'm like, damn. She puts him in like the little carrier. She's like constantly, this kid and her, he just always needs her attention. So I'm just like, yeah, I'm not giving her TikTok suggestions. Yeah, there's something where, what did I see?

Oh, I forget. That's okay. I forget. But you don't want, you're not even, you're not thinking about having kids. Oh, I remember. I was thinking about it, but then I watched my sister give birth. Like the physical, watch the baby come out of her. Oh, I saw the baby come out of her. Yeah. Wow. I saw it all. And part of it was like, oh, I would never, that's so crazy. Yes.

I can't, like, that's so insane. Yeah, it really is. Like, the fact that people aren't talking about how wild that is. It's, a person comes out of your pussy. It's the most fucked up thing I've ever seen.

Like there was no part of me that's like, oh, this is beautiful. I was like, this is torture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It looks, it seems, I haven't seen it, you know, whatever. But it seems torturous. Oh my God, brutal. But then it's like, it's that thing you see as soon as the baby's out, you're just like so happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're probably, I don't know if you're so happy to see your baby or if you're just so happy to not have to push. The pain is over. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I saw this thing about how people like,

people who are like shitty moms or parents but have a ton of babies it's because they just like the newborn phase when they're like not being annoying they're just sleeping and like being cute and you can just hold them and like take photos of them they're a little doll they're a little doll basically yeah so it's like people just get addicted to like the newborn phase which kind of seems like the shittiest part it seems fun but it seems like like it seems like adorable but it's also like don't you want this fucking little thing to like do something

and silly. Yeah, do something silly, talk a little bit. Yeah, make a weird face at you. And eventually, like the part where I'm like, it would be cool to have kids is thinking about showing like a 14-year-old John Wick for the first time. Or just like showing, you know what I mean? Like sharing all your interests and like having a friend who's like you've known his whole life or their whole life, whatever. That seems kind of cool. And the baby face sounds cool, but like... That toddler... Four through like...

You know, 17 even? Seems fucking horrible. Yeah. Oh, fuck, Bobby's calling. Wow, we're going to see on the show if he can do the show we record later today. Hi, Bob. You're actually technically on the show right now because we're recording, but... Great. No slurs, please, Robert. Not only would it have canceled me, it would have canceled everybody, every comic that even knows me.

Well, keep it nice and clean. I'm very happy you did the code. And I hate people who don't do the code. You know what I mean? Like when you call them in the car and they're like, hey, what's up? Right. Are you going on some tirade about, you know, some nasty vagina massage poly you went to? And it's like, hey, dude, my kid and my grandmother and my wife are

I mean, they got my wife in the car. Of course. You got it. You got to know. Of course. Of course. You got to fucking keep it clean. One hundred percent.

Yeah, no children, no women. And when you pick up the phone, you let them know who's in the car. Of course. I'm so with you. Well, we do have Allie Makovsky. She passes, though. She's a comic. She's not a regular woman that you can't talk around. Yeah, I'm a cool girl. That is nuts that you just said that. I don't know what that means. Oh, they're very nice, Bob. Now you're going to fucking go. You open this up talking about the slurs you were going to say, and I do a cute little misogynistic joke that we're all in on, and you fucking abandon me.

Hey, man. Yeah, that's right. That's corporate America, dude. I need to click. All right, motherfucker. Can you do the show later or not?

No, I can't. I can't do it in January. All right. Well, we'll get you. I can't. All right. That's okay. We'll get you in January. I mean, I literally added a lot to this show as is. You did. That's true. You saved me. What were you guys talking about? The state of comedy, man. No, no. No. Did you see what Chappelle said? Dude, I don't know, man. That's not the kind of show we're doing, Robert. Thank you very much. No.

Okay, alright. Now look, I've had enough of you stealing a woman's time. It's time for you to go. I'm sorry, what's her name again? Howie. So good. What a fucking lunatic. Just starts doing bits on a call. He's the man.

Anyway, fuck Bobby. What were we talking about? That's like the equivalent of Rogan playing like a video of a deer being eaten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now let's take a call from Bobby really quick. Yeah, let's have Bobby go into a high energy observation. It is funny. He's so good at comedy. You can feel his energy over the phone. Yeah. Like Bobby would have fucking, you could play him on a fucking microphone at a club and he would probably kill.

It was hilarious opening for him and being like, I don't even do comedy. He would just go on and just like he's fat as shit. Just like swaggering though somehow just like control the like energy fully. Anyway, fuck him. He's not doing the show. He can suck my dick. He's dead to me. What were we talking about before Robert so rudely interrupted us? Does anyone know? Pussy birds. Oh, babies. Oh, babies flopping out of pussies and shit like that. Yeah, it seems fucked up.

Michelle Wolf has that great joke where she's like, I think it's incredible, but like I'll never have a kid. Where she's like, it is really impressive, but it's like, which is like, it's like being a bird and being like, you know what? I'm just going to walk everywhere. Yeah. Because it is like insane that a fucking, that life, you could just nut in someone and a baby comes out.

I also think I'm too selfish. I'm like, oh, the only... I just want to see what I would look like in baby form. Right, right, right. I want to see baby Ali. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what if it looks like the, you know, the guy? That's brutal. Then kill it. So you... Face the Anthony.

So you're not even thinking about adoption. You're like... No, I would love to adopt. Okay. Yeah. Nice. But I also want to have a kid, I think. I just want to be rich enough to not have to fully raise it on my own. So fucking true. Because then if the kid's like, Mom, you're shitty. I'm like, I wasn't even there. I wasn't there. Blame the nanny. Taking up with your nanny from Barbados. I don't care that you got tired of eating curry goat. My baby has a Barbados accent. Mother. Hey, mother. What?

What's going on? A lot of these fucking kids in parks love... Didn't Tom Hanks have like a... That's probably what it was. That's why Chad is like that.

I mean, a lot of these, like, I was in Park Slope, you know, South Brooklyn, where it's like, it's rich as fuck and a lot of fucking, you know, people have nannies and shit. Like, I was there, I was working there one day and I had, like, a two-hour break, so I was, like, walking through the park. Every stroller is just, like, some little fucking white kid and, like, an elderly Caribbean woman. Yeah. Like, who knows how much time they've been spending with their fucking parents, so, I

I don't know. I asked my mom because she wants grandkids. Thankfully, I think my brother is going to have kids eventually. But I was like, all right, like I could get you a kid, but can you, would you raise it? Yeah. She was like, no. She was like, I'd help. Then what's the point? I was like, well, then buzz off. Yeah. I don't want to fucking raise my own son or daughter. I want to pop in. So I'm clearly not ready for that shit, but you know, whatever.

All right, well, look, I think we've gotten a nice little background. Yeah. There's more. We could gab for hours over here. But I think we have enough. Get one of those Diet Dr. Peppers in me and I won't stop. Oh, fuck. We could get you one. It would feel nice to send Eldis out on a drink errand. So you say the word and we'll fucking send him. But why don't we fucking start taking some calls? Yeah, I would love to. Get some of this advice going. Yeah.

Alright, here we go. First call. And by the way, guys, 904-800-STAV if you want some fucking wisdom from a future guest, maybe. Who knows? Maybe you'll catch Ally. We'll have such a backlog that you'll catch Ally on her second appearance. It's not likely, but maybe. Call in, 904-800-STAV. Let us hear your questions. Hit us with the first one, Eldis. Yeah. No, motherfucker. I'm 22. This is what happens when you hire a baby. Play it over. So...

Yeah, we got it. I'm 22, and I've sold drugs since I was like 14, probably. Okay. And, you know, I've never sold any, like, super hard drugs or anything. Don't worry. Just, like, weed and acid and shrooms and shit like that. Don't worry. Don't worry. I didn't smoke weed. I'm not a fucking dude, like... You're one of the good ones. That's the point.

I'm scared that uh, eventually I'm gonna get caught. And there's no signs pointing towards that, but I feel like I've been doing it for like eight years, like selling stuff, like mostly consistently, but it's kind of on and off. And no signs towards me, uh, anything bad happening, but I feel like, you know.

One day, maybe somebody gets caught with something. The cops are like, where did you get this? And then they like, ran me out or some shit. Or whatever. You know, shit happens. So, yeah, should I stop selling drugs?

That's the question? If you're in LA and you need some fire, that's where I got you. Oh, yeah. In LA, I'm going to call some fucking guy with an accent I can't even place. Where the fuck is he from? He's probably Australian that moved to LA like halfway into his adolescence. Because I know friends of mine who moved from Greece at like 11 and they have like half an accent. And that's what this guy has. Because certain words... So he says he's been selling weed since he was 14.

Nothing hard, just like DMT. Just DMT. Something that'll take you out of this world. But it's chill, it's chill. It's chill, just shit I had to break into a lab to get. But don't you know that getting into selling drugs, that there's a chance you could get caught? I know, this is like one of the most... This goes to show you that he does not have any kind of reasoning. It's like, of course you're gonna get... I mean, it's like, do you think that...

It's like he's watched Goodfellas. He's only watched the first half of Goodfellas, Scarface. Like, you're in the montage right now. You're 22. You know, things are going good. And it's like a lot of fucking money. You get to, you know, you get to do drugs. Like, you haven't even been doing it that long in the grand scheme. Starting at 14, you weren't really selling drugs. You probably only... Yeah, you like stole your dad's weed.

and then you, like, kind of give it out. I sold weed in high school, you know what I mean? Like, it was like, that's not a real, you know, that doesn't really count. That's not high profile, unless you're selling it to, like, Demi Lovato. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're probably good. You're probably good. Yeah, you can't get caught unless it's someone who went they them and then went back. So here's the thing. And that's okay. It's okay. Gender, everyone's got their own gender journey. And that's okay. It's okay. I wasn't making a judgment. I feel like Bobby's back on the phone. Yeah.

So, yeah, dude, you're barely just starting to be eligible to be caught, right? Because when you're a dumbass little kid, it's like, who gives a fuck?

It's up to you. I mean, are you, can you do anything else? Do you have any other skills? I would say, I would say selling drugs is probably a good way to like invest in yourself and something else you want to do. If you're making good money, you can put that. If you want to be like a painter, you can like buy a bunch of supplies and like really, you know, put your head down to the craft. But if you really just like selling drugs, then I would get smart about it and make a plan for when you do get caught. Right.

Right. Have your money put away. Be smart about it. Yeah. Invest. Invest. Crypto. Yeah. Yeah. You do. You do. That's the problem, though. I don't think he's smart enough to do it. Yeah. It doesn't feel that way to me. But maybe after this, maybe we could knock some sense into it. You're right. Go to small. Remember. Yeah. Go to fucking. Go take some small business classes. Zap.

Yeah, they invest your money for you. I think I have a code. I get like $1,000 for four people. No, no, no. Beep all this. Beep all this. We will not hear the name of this app. No one gets a free fucking ride on Stavi's World, all right? Email stavisworld at gmail.com if you want to fucking sponsor the show. That whole thing is getting bleeped. I love when people...

people though like the app it just like gives anyone a code who signs up but you know how people like try and be influencers like they'll get like per

Parade underwear. And Parade's like, use this code to get your friends involved. Use my code. And then people are like, I have a code. And it's like, everyone has a fucking code. Everyone with an email has a code. No one cares about your B minus ass in those parade underwear. That was an epidemic going on a couple years ago. Everyone was just posting in their underwear like they were models. Yeah, they sent me underwear and I tried taking photos in the mirror and I was like, this looks so bad. Yeah.

I'm like trying to do this angle to like make my stomach look skinnier and my ass look fatter. And I'm just like, my back is so arched. I'm like the exorcist girl. I'm just like upside down. So yeah, I would say you probably will get caught unless you're smart about it. And look, have you built up any skills yet?

Ali makes a very good point. If you save some money, can you invest in something else? Can you go clean? Because I think ultimately, yes, you need an exit strategy unless you plan on being like a fucking kingpin. And now we're talking about having to like do violence and maybe not only just getting caught, but be getting fucking killed. So you have to be at the like...

You have, you're, you're kind of at a crossroads where it's like 22 is like, what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Do you want to go down drug dealer path? Which is like, all right, I guess I have to level up to the scary shit to make money. And then you're, you're living a pretty, which doesn't seem like a good life. Um, uh, certainly not for probably a cute little Australian twink. If I had to guess from your voice, uh, half Australian twink, um,

Or can you become an entrepreneur of some other kind? Do you, can you invest in like, do you have sales experience? Right? Like, are you good at selling drugs? Can you talk people into doing stuff? Can you get a sales job? Do you want to start your own business? Have you made connections? If you're in LA selling drugs, like, do you know people because their clientele you've made, you know, you've made connections. It's,

It's just like anything else. You can kind of transition from it. So I would say you need a plan, buddy. You need to look yourself in the mirror. Am I caught out to sale drugs? And if you're not, if you don't want to be 35 selling drugs, then start the plan to get out of it now and start transitioning out while the heat isn't really on you. Yeah, I also think 22, that's still a cute age to be selling drugs. I would say have a three-year plan right now. Exactly. Start transitioning out. 25 is when you need to kind of get out of it.

Kind of figure your shit out. But 22, you're good. I think so. I think so. You can get away with it. You can get away with it. But each year you're in it, you do have that. But also if you get like caught once with not that much stuff, you're probably okay. Do you even count as a drug dealer if you're selling like weed and shrooms in LA? Like who cares? No, I think it would have to be probably a pretty significant amount of weed. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, and acid and shrooms. Yeah.

The threshold for like a drug dealer is like, are you willing to kill someone who didn't pay you or something? That's a hard choice you have to make to like crossover. I think minimum shoot them, right? Like maybe we don't have to go to, you know, murder, but yeah, even in the foot, would you shoot a guy in the foot if they didn't pay you? If not,

You should start transitioning out, but you're right this guy could just be like a guy who sells a little you know like the way Comedians they do one open mic. They're like. I'm a comedian this guy could be an open mic He could be an open mic er of selling drugs You know cuz just sell a little getting your hands on a little DMT whatever and also yeah I'm not going to buy weed from you motherfucker. They got stores. They got drive-throughs in LA you think I'm gonna fucking hit you up Hit us with another one LD

Bobby you big beautiful bitch. That's me. All right coming to you from Canada up north so weddings weddings weddings have been the Title of the of the year and look the title it kept coming in a little bit, but I'm in the wedding party Do I and I so it's my best friend. He's dating a girl that I used to date years and years ago so Emotionally doesn't really matter but

What a stupid question.

Hey, I'm doing a speech at my buddy's wedding. Do I mention how his wife used to suck my cock or what? Because it seems like I would be kind of a missed opportunity not to. Because, you know, he fucked another one of my ex-girlfriends. So I should probably mention I know what the bride's pussy looks like, shouldn't I?

No, you fucking dumbass. Conundrum? How is this a conundrum? You just want to brag and let people know you got your dick sucked by the bride. It's not your wedding, you fucking piece of shit. Why would they give you a speech? You know what? It's not even your fault. It's probably at the dinner rehearsal or something. Sure, sure, sure. If he's doing a tiny little speech, I imagine it's at the dinner rehearsal. You do get a dumbass like this out of the way at the rehearsal dinner. You don't give him the mic. No, we're giving you a speech.

a speech yeah yeah like 12 people at Arby's because you don't want him drunk as shit being like Bethany gives awesome doom you're gonna be so happy bro those were the best times of my life yeah we can make it I always thought we could make it work um so yeah there's no conundrum here you're an asshole for even thinking about this um

Do I mention it? No, what the fuck? Why would you mention it? No, you talk about your friend. Yeah, you talk about your friend. You talk about your friend, then you say they're going to do great together, even if you think they're not. You say they're going to be happy, they're going to be together forever. Fully. Or if you even wanted to, you can't just kind of mention it. If you're going to go in, you got to go all in. You got to go all in.

You gotta like ruin it and fuck it up. Right, right, right. You can't just do a tiny mention. No, true, true. If there's hate in your heart and you want to expand on that, like go all in. Fuck it all up. Well, that's what's going on here, right? Is like there is like, first of all, him being like weddings, weddings is the title of the year, which is like, what does that even mean? Years don't have titles. The theme, is that what you meant? Did you mean theme of the year?

No one's like, ah, 2017, the good time year. You remember that was the title we gave it? Anyway, there is something in this guy. He is also a little like... That last part was a big hint, right? Oh, yeah. The last part. The second one of my exes. This is the second one of my... He's a gone with. And he...

He's just decided to marry this one. What does that even mean? He's just decided to marry her. Like, first of all, what do you think? You own a woman because you fucked her a couple times? Like, that's the other thing. Now, is it weird that your friend has dated your exes? Yes. Twice is weird. Once is weird enough. He said this one was years and years ago. So I'm like, okay, that's not too bad. Right. But I'm curious what the other one was. Yeah, like if a friend of mine dated someone, like...

in college or... I think 10 years plus, it kind of resets where it's almost like a funny... Almost like even a funny thing. Yeah. But he definitely has some resentment about this. But it's also... It's your exes, dude. Yeah, because he said, he said, I'm not...

And emotionally, it doesn't really matter. Which it does. But... Why bring it up then? Yeah. Well, then what... Okay, emotionally, it doesn't matter. So in what way does it matter? Yeah. That's the other... Like, what do you mean then? As an honor way? You've been dishonored by him marrying your ex? I really don't... Something more... It would be funny, though, to say, like, Jason, his friend, like, oh, Jason, he's a great man. He's really...

He's got a type, which is mine. Also my type. No, we could write great jokes about it. That's a good joke. That's a really good joke. But we could... If we wanted to, this is a great roast topic. It's also... You know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, if it's years and years ago...

Maybe their dynamic is that they're all buddies. It's not. You hear his voice. I know, I know. But if it was, if they were all silly about it and it's something that they talk about a lot and everyone knows, then that's fun. But it's not. That last sentence clues us in. They haven't gotten through this. They've never even had a... I bet you they've never had a conversation about how he feels about it. This is a little, what's going on here? This is the second time you've done this.

Maybe he really, maybe the first one that he dated, he really was his friends. We also don't know what the situation, what kind of ex, who broke up with who. Yeah. Did he want to be with these girls and then they broke up with him? Oh, wait a second. Okay. Because sometimes the most brutal thing that can happen to someone is you bring someone around your friends.

The girl you're dating realizes you're the shitty friend. And that, like, I've had friends... Like, we've had friends in the past that have stolen our personalities, right? Yeah. And those guys bring... We've always been funny, you know? And we would have friends... They would keep our friends away from... Like, they would never let us meet their mutual friends. Then we'd meet them and they'd be like, Dude, Stav and Eldis are hilarious. And it would be like, Oh, he's been doing our bits to them. What if this guy...

Is the shitty friend. He's brought his girl around. They realize his friend getting married is the better version of him. They've left him for him twice. That's a brutal one that might... Yeah, that cuts deep. And he might have... This is one chance for a little... He could get a little control back. He could fucking let him feel what he feels.

Now, this is pure and wild speculation, but that's a brutal situation. But you're right. There is a situation where that's our dynamic. And here's another one. What kind of wedding is it? Is it like a cool, we've been divorced before in our 30s, half the parents are dead, or the ones that are alive are cool? Or is it big wedding, fancy, their big day? Yeah.

You know what I mean? Is it in like a rented nice hall or is it in like a fucking park? Is it in someone's backyard? Because, you know, there's definitely comedians' weddings that that would fly at. Yeah. But if this is like a fancy nice wedding with everybody's fucking grandma there, don't talk about how you used to fuck the bride. Right.

That's that's our final verdict on that one if you get to bring a plus one maybe you can find the grooms act That's now we're talking Make a beautiful speech, but then in the back of everyone's head. They're like that's Jason's yes That's if you want to get if you want to get super villain with it Find one of his exes or one of her exes bring a man that she used to fuck. How would she feel?

Go gay. Just to spite this couple. You got a lot of options for revenge, but don't do it in the speech, buddy. I think that's good advice. I think that was really good advice. I think we really nailed that one. Hey, Savvy. So, I am almost a three-year-old female, and I'm having a real hard time finding, I don't know, somebody to just have fucking fun with. Like, it's so difficult to...

in this dating game now. Like, I have the dating apps. Those are bullshit. I try to go out, meet people. That's bullshit. Also, like, I'm a pretty independent woman. Like, I own my own home. I work a pretty successful job. I have solid friends and family. And...

I don't know. Do you have any advice on like how to go out and meet people or how to throw yourself out there more? Anyway, love ya, love your stand up and super excited about this new podcast. Anyway,

Bye. All right. I like her. I like her, too. She's clearly a woman beaten down by the world, by the dating world. I think this could be a match for you. You think for me? She's got her own shit. She does have her own shit. She just wants to have fun. She does want to have fun. She has a house. She has a job. Good job. She has a family. She doesn't really need you. That is good for me. I like to just pop in and out. Yeah. That's a possibility. Are you in New York City? How do you feel about emotionally unavailable comedians? What?

Yeah, this is, I mean, this is kind of hard, right? Like, because especially somebody who has all their shit together. Yeah. Like, I definitely feel this where I have invested a lot of my time and energy into every part of my life except, like, meaningful relationships. Like, I've had, you know, I've had, I had a college girlfriend and then I had, like,

Something that ended that was a meaningful relationship in Baltimore, but I didn't know it at the time because it was like, well, I'm moving to New York. And I realized after the fact that I had feelings for for her and then and then I had like one long relationship that I really tried to make work. Right. But for for the most part, that's not that long in terms of like most some people are in like a ton of relationships and they're always working at it.

And I definitely feel this issue. Yeah. Because that's how I feel like this last year has been like, I've worked so hard, I haven't tried to like make anything. Everything has been kind of like casual and fun, but like, you know. So I get this. This is a real problem for a lot of people, especially somebody who has their shit together as much as her.

And I think the short answer is, are you working at it the way you worked at everything else? Right? Like, have you put a lot of time and effort into this? Because it is kind of hard, right? Like, especially like, you know, if you get into your late 20s and 30s, it's like...

If you're juggling for having fun, that can be a little... Because some people are like, it's the last fucking chopper out of Vietnam. They're trying to get fucking married before their 30s kick in, right? Not in New York, but it's like, you know. So I don't know. I think you got all your shit together. You have a nice base. So maybe you have to just dedicate more time to all of this stuff, right? There isn't an answer, right?

Like, you just have to do all the bullshit to find somebody good. I also think in this situation, you can't have any expectations. Like, if you're just looking for someone to have fun with and, like, hopefully find, like, a companion out of that, then don't go at it so seriously. Like, be serious about it, you know? Put time into it, but don't look at it seriously. Don't be like, you have to get married. Don't think every date is, like...

or nothing. And I think when you just kind of like, like I remember for a period of time I was on Tinder and I would just like, I would like, this is probably so annoying to hear from a man's perspective. But I would just, if I wanted to meet up with a guy, I'd be like, hey, can we just like meet up as friends? Which is probably annoying to hear. I would have been like, unmatched? Yeah.

Then it just took all the pressure off and then it was like, okay, we can like do something fun. Right. Right. And then it doesn't feel, but I don't even think I would have needed to say that. I think now that I'm older, I could be like, yeah, let's go do this. Let's go get coffee. Right. But in my own head, I'd be like, this is just me meeting up. Like I would picture it as like, oh, I'm meeting up with like a friend of a friend who's in town.

Like, when I was going to a date, I'd be like, oh, this is just, like, my friend's friend who I'm, like, taking to get coffee. That's very interesting that you had to, like, do mind tricks on yourself. Yeah, because I hated the idea of going on a date. It just felt so weird and, like, forced and...

There's something there. So I was like, oh, I'm just going to meet up with this person and see what they're like. Which, look, is totally valid. I think what you're talking about is your expectations for a first date, right? Basically, if I can cut through, it's like I want to meet someone where they know I'm not going to fuck them no matter what. Yeah. The first time, right? And so that's totally reasonable. I think like...

And, you know, this lady might want to fuck some people. She might not. She probably just wants to feel it out. But I think, like, ultimately, because you met your boyfriend on Tinder, right? Yeah. And it's like, I think a lot, you met your girl on... It was on OkCupid. OkCupid back in the day. Yeah.

Yeah. No, this is like when OkCupid was already like kind of just done. It was like way past its prime already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you figured it out. It just worked. You got a great relationship out of it. And so it's like the apps are brutal and also just going out is brutal. But you just have to keep fucking at it and like, yeah, go on a couple of these first dates. And you seem to be someone who has their shit together. So apply now.

As like unromantic as it is, you almost have to treat... Like when you're trying to find a job almost, like you're applying places, right? Send out some fucking resumes. Go on these like cute little fucking coffee dates or, you know, drink dates or just like stuff that puts the pressure off. And that's really what it is. I mean, I'm not really, you know, I always...

I definitely have a... My personal feeling is like, damn, I would really like to just meet someone in the real world. Like, I would like that because I want to get off of the internet in general. And I think I'm working towards that a little bit with just, like, having other people run my social media and shit. But at the same time, you can meet good people on an app. And if you want it to be in real life...

I think a tried and true method is actually kind of what, what you were pretending to do, which is friend of a friend. Yeah. Find someone you trust, go old school with it. The original dating app, get matched up, you know what I mean? Have someone set you up. Yeah. Reach out to friends that you trust and be like, do you know anyone who you think I'd be a good fit with? Yeah. Yeah. And,

And you might even like, even with like online stuff, like me and my boyfriend have a lot of mutual friends like randomly. Oh, interesting. So sometimes it works where it's like we met online, but it feels like we could have met out in the real world. Yeah. And so, yeah. And also to be clear, this is also just filtered advice from my therapist because I'm in a similar place with you where it's like, he's like, actually try.

Like, don't get discouraged. Like, the way... You know, I don't get discouraged if, like, a fucking, you know, something doesn't... If I'm working on...

You know, if I'm like auditions or some shit like that where I'm like, I want to start acting. I've been writing. I've been auditioning. It's like you don't get anything for a long time. But I got a little some, you know what I mean? You're about to see Stavi on the fucking on a streamer soon on a little some, you know what I'm saying? Like you and and you just have to you have to apply that and just hope for the best. And it will be kind of sometimes it will. You'll have weeks where you're like, this sucks.

I hate this, but you might also just find somebody to have a nice time with. So good luck, sister. Keep us fucking posted. Call 904-800-STOV with the update. We're eager to hear if it's working out for you. What do we got, Eldis?

Hey, Stavi, you've on the show been talking to people a lot about their dicks, and I thought I would ask a different kind of question. I've never had a hemorrhoid before, but lately I've been bleeding out my ass a lot, and, you know, it's a little alarming that I've had that experience before. I'm a guy. Yeah.

And I was curious if you had any experience with this. Do you recommend taking it seriously or not? Like, I'm not a huge fan of the doctor, so I'd like to avoid going to the doctor. Fan of the doctor? That'd be great. Love you, Stavi. Thanks. Bye. He's not a fan of the doctor like it's a fucking band. I don't really care for medicine. I don't like their early stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like the leeches, their early stuff.

Okay, so bleeding out of your ass now. Been there, done that. Welcome to being a man. Yeah! I had blood come out of my asshole, sure. Yeah, Eldis confirmed have gone to the doctor for these. And I think I have undiagnosed if I have a real tough time

Sometimes I will get a real painful shit and you get a little flex. So what I would say to you is take it seriously because ultimately bleeding out of your ass, yeah, it could just be hemorrhoids. It could just be not enough fiber, too much straining, and blowing out a little something in your ass pipe. But it also could be something really serious, right? So go to the doctor. I know you're not a fan of them. Have them look around your ass. Make sure you're not going to die because you don't want to ask cancer, pal.

OK, we want it. We want you alive. We want you out there bleeding, asking questions about your ass and not your dick for years to come. So that's really I would be remiss to treat this as a joke, because even if there's a little percent chance that something is seriously wrong with you, I would feel bad if you died and I didn't immediately tell you to go to the doctor. So get your ass pipe checked.

It's fun. It's fun. It's fun to get your butthole touched. Medically. A little medical. I don't know that I would describe it as fun personally. It can be fun. It's weird. Make it fun. You have a cool doctor? Yeah. I got a colonoscopy once. Nice. And it was such a blast. I got to see the inside of my butthole. How did it look? It was so cool. It was nice. It was clean. It was very like pink. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and also, yeah, the straining. That's a big one. Straining, sure. Do not push it out. Don't push it out. Don't push it out. Let it glide.

Get a little, get a little, get more fiber in your diet. There's stuff you can do right now. If I've had a couple rough shits, I go smoothie. I might have one today after this podcast, actually. I feel like this guy needs to do a checklist. If his doctor's like the last option, then like, are you eating a lot of beets? Because that'll make it look like you're bleeding. Sure, red velvet cake. Remember? We had a friend, we had to rush to the hospital once. No. And he was like, I'm bleeding out of my ass. And we were like, oh my God, what the fuck? And he had eaten an entire red velvet cake. Oh, man.

And the doctor was like, there's nothing wrong. And then everyone, we went from worried about him dying. He's also fat as shit. So it was like, ah, you mother, it was the fattest. And we're not, it's not a not fat group here, right? So imagine how fat this guy was. And we were like, ah, you fucking fat moron. You ate a whole red velvet cake. The doctor's checking his birthday. He's like, is it your birth? No, you just ate an entire cake. Interesting. Is it a half birthday?

So, yeah, go to the doctor. I would say just go to the doctor. But, yes, there's stuff you could do. There's your fiber, your diet, all that kind of stuff. But I'm not a, because this is not a disclaimer, this is not a medical show. No fucking advice. Go to the doctor first and foremost. I'm not even going to tell you the other shit to check out because I want you to get finger popped for your own good by the doctor. Yeah, every guy listening to this over the age of 35. Right. Go get finger popped.

I got a schedule one soon, actually. Yeah. Eldest has gotten his asshole checked. I went this year, yeah. How was it, buddy? It was pretty weird. The doctor did it. He put the lubed finger up there. No glove? He kissed you on the neck. He's like, can you spit on my fingers? He put his fingers down your throat. Yeah.

But he did it and I really did have like a moment. And then he like finished and I was like, wow, I've never done that before. You said that? It was the weirdest thing to say. He's like, this is my first time. You're like another one. Another one. I'd also tell this guy though, get a bidet. Get a bidet. Whether or not something's wrong, you won't go back. That's great. And listen.

Stop it. If you're a bidet company, you could have been. We just bleeped what she said out. Imagine if that was yours. Wouldn't that have been nice? Stavi's World, we're looking for advertisers, folks. You know what I'm doing? White elephant gift?

Great gift. A bidet. That's a great gift. Any kind of bidet. That's a great gift. There's so many on Amazon. That's such a good White Elephant gift exchange gift. Yes, absolutely. It's not hard to install one. I'm doing a little makeover of this place when I get a little time off. Double bidets in both bathrooms. I can't believe I haven't done it yet. All right. You got to get the one that heats up the water. I like that. Yeah. Real Japanese style. Yeah. I remember going to Japan. Every toilet has a bidet. I want to go to Japan so bad. It fucking rocks. When were you there? Um...

Probably a few years ago. Just for fun? Four or five years ago. We did a come-down tour of Australia. Okay. And Adam tricked us into thinking... We didn't look at a map. And we were like... We thought Japan and Australia were next to each other. And it was like a 10-hour flight. Oh, my God. And so he wanted to literally go shopping. Yeah.

Fucking asshole. I'm still mad about it actually. You know what? It was the summer after the last time you were here when I fucked my foot up because I just was able to walk and instead of going to like some beach, like we could have gone to like Thailand which was like, you know, right next to Australia. You just lay on a beach all day. We go to a fucking huge walking city. Where you have to walk constantly. And I loved it. Tokyo is fucking sick. I want to go back for sure. But, and my asshole was treated right but that was the only part of my body that was happy.

Because I was like, I can't go shopping in fucking Japan. There's no fat. No one's as fat as me there. There was one big and tall store. And there was one guy who was the model for every... They have like one fat guy. He was this big fat Japanese guy with like a bowl cut. And he was just like in a 2XL like polo shirt. And his clothes were all horrific. Anyway. But I also went one time. I was doing like very low level like USO shows like on Marine bases.

And we had one day off in Tokyo. But this was like, this was so early. This was before I moved to New York, actually. So it was like... How did you get that gig?

the headliner, I was working with this guy, really funny, Bent Washburn, very funny comedian. And he was like, just keyed into those gigs. It didn't pay very well, but it was like, you know, I'm 24 or something, and it's like, they pay for your tickets. I think I made like literally $750, but they paid for everything. That's nice. And it was like, you know, I'm poor as shit my whole life. I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get to Japan? So I was like, let's fucking do it.

It was great. Would you do it again? I would do it again for sure. I wouldn't, I don't know that I would do shows or if I would just go for a vacation. I mean, I guess the only show. No, I meant the USO. Like, would you do USO shows again? I guess so, yeah. Depending on where it would be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, especially if it was a way to get to Tokyo. Yeah. And Korea specifically. We went to Korea for a second. I wanted to go to Korea. I really want to go to Korea again because we didn't get to go to anywhere cool. We got to go to like somewhere real. I don't even know where it was. And it wasn't like, you know, Seoul or anything like that. It wasn't like a Psy music video. No.

I gotta go get me a fucking I want to go get me someone who got rejected from the kpop Academy. Yeah I'm gonna go fucking the day they make cuts Anybody want a green card?

Mark that down, Elders. We're going to do that. I'm going to go find a wife after they cut her from the K-pop. That would be such a good video of you trying to be a K-pop star. That would be a good one. You need to go to Korea just to film a K-pop boot camp video. We do need to do that. I would love to do that. I would love to see that. Me trying to dance and shit. All right, let's fucking do another one. I'm having a great time.

We're really crushing these. So basically, I've been having a hard time stopping smoking weed. Classic. It's never really been a problem. It's just affecting my memory and shit. And...

Yeah, I don't know. Like, I'll lose track of what I'm saying pretty quickly and, like, right now. But, yeah, any advice on, you know, how to cut back? Seems like every time I try to stop, I always end up going back to the dispensary or, I don't know.

So any advice you got, man, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you. Sure. Yeah. I like how he's like, it's not a big deal. It's just fucking up my memory. He's like 24 years old. I would also say don't quit smoking weed. Just tell everyone it's brain fog from COVID. You have long COVID. You have the perfect excuse. It's not. It's, you know, 2023. I guess you could keep getting COVID. Yeah.

Yeah. Long haul COVID. Long haul, baby. My mom's been using that excuse for her alcoholism. She's like, it's long haul COVID. I have brain fog. I'm like, okay.

I haven't seen you in two months. Oh, she's back. Her and your dad met at a... Oh, yeah, they're both... Oh, yeah. They're both relapsed. Oh, yeah. They were sober just long enough to meet each other to have a weird... I mean, I'm glad they did. We wouldn't have you, but probably not good for their lives. No. Yeah, after I was born, they started drinking. It is really funny to think about that because I think about that with my parents. I'm like, they shouldn't have been together, but then I wouldn't exist. So I guess...

Sorry, you had a shitty marriage, but... Cut the losses. Although not existing doesn't sound so bad. Yeah. Yeah, you don't know what you're missing. Or you could have... Yeah, I don't know. Because you could have... Yeah, there's too many possibilities with that. What do you think? Our souls just got... Like, we were in line for a different baby. That's what I think. Yeah, you could have been some weird-ass family. I don't know. Yeah, I could be in the third world. I could have been born Albanian. Ugh, could you imagine? Yeah.

Do you know any other Greeks or Albanians? Eldis. Have you ever come into contact with any other Greeks or Albanians? Greeks, probably. But no Albas. There's big, like, yeah, because I grew up, there's a lot of, like, Greek restaurants where I grew up. Actually, you probably met some Albanians at those restaurants, too. They're there. Who are, like, the most famous Albanians? Dua Lipa. Oh!

Yeah. Now he's singing a different tune. Off the mic, he's talking about how she's from Kosovo, but now he's claiming her. Yeah, she's from Kosovo originally, but she just got her citizenship. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you'll claim Dua Lipa now, motherfucker. But before he's calling her some not charitable things, I won't even say it. Who else is Albanian? Action Bronson is half Albanian. That's a big one. Eliza Dushku. That is a big one. Eliza Dushku from Bring It On. Half of Regis Philbin. May he rest in peace. Yeah.

Some huge stars. Elijah Dushku. A lot of talent. Yeah, I've done quite a bit of beating off to Elijah Dushku because of the literally a VHS copy of The New Guy.

You ever see that movie with J.D. Qualls or whatever his name is? Great, great flick. Great flick. I also, actually going back to the Chop thing, recently started having sex while watching The New Guy. So I threw that on and started making out with the woman. So pretty nice. Has a special place in my heart, that movie. There's a point in Elijah Ducey. It's a PG-13 movie, by the way. And she's trying on bikinis and sucking on a lollipop. And when I was in eighth grade, I was like...

I wore that part of the tape out. Yeah. We had a fucking, in our house, it was like my grandma, the upstairs was like my grandma, my room, and my brother's rooms, or room. They shared it, you know, their whole lives, poor guys. There was, you know, four of us upstairs. Then my parents' room and the living room. And in the basement, we had the kitchen and a VCR. So I did so much beating off just in the kitchen basement. Oh, no.

Just like watching to make sure no one was coming down the stairs. There was like no door. It was just like an open doorway. And I'm just like pulled up in a folding chair. Don't you think that's kind of the fun of it?

No, I don't have any of that. Because it's not like getting caught by a hot girl. It's like your father. You know what I mean? There's no like, ooh, what could happen? It's also not comfortable to beat off down there. Like there's no couch or anything. No, no, I'm in a folding chair. I take a folding chair, I put it right in front of the TV, and I'm just like... And like rewind, because it's only like a 12-second part. So I'd like beat off...

You're beating off an interval. He literally did. I'd be like, oh, fuck. I'm beating him back. I'm just like trying not to come while you're rewinding. Trying to come right when her titties are bouncing. That was a big problem with trying to masturbate to the, what was that Robin Thicke video? Blurred Lines. Yeah, because it keeps going back to Robin Thicke.

And it's like, come on, Robin Thicke. I'm trying to bust here, man. Good times. Okay, back to this. Did we answer his question? Not at all.

How do you stop smoking weed? Do you still smoke weed? No. No, you're off that too. Yeah, I can't do it. Off everything? If I could do like one bump of cocaine in the morning just to get my day started, that would be great. Any Adderall, anything like that? No, I used to do Adderall, but then I was doing, once I got sober, I was like, well, it's prescribed to me. And then I was like doing it at night.

and I was like, oh, that's weird. That's weird. I will say I do, I prefer doing Adderall in place of cocaine because I know what I'm going to get. It's pretty much the same thing. Like a nice, a move I did for a while when I first got to New York was high, high as shit on Adderall, go out. I really like that combo. It's like a poor man's speedball, you know, that won't like kill you as fast. Just on a low dose of meth. Yeah, basically low meth and like a little, and a fucking joint.

Not as bad as heroin and fucking cocaine. You know what I mean? Now, my friend over here trying to stop smoking weed. I have definitely experienced this. I did stop smoking weed. I've been sober completely for like six months now. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. I think I'm going to go back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those I just... My rule that I think I'm going to do is while I'm on tour, I'm going to stay sober so that it at least kind of like keeps me healthy.

Because the last tour, I was just too out of control. And this next tour, I'm going to also fold in, like, getting my meals delivered to the hotel. So that, like... Because that's the final piece of my eating on the road. Yeah, because if you're on the... Yeah, you're just eating chicken tenders every night. It's like you can have one of those, but it's, like, every night. Yeah, it's too much. So anyway, so each tour, I'm trying to, like, improve it a little bit. So I think what I'm going to do is stay sober. Next weekend, I'm...

I'm off the road, so I'm going to have a little holiday. Yeah. You deserve it. Get fucked up. Me and my brothers are going to probably watch...

Avatar, I'm probably going to do mushrooms. Yeah. I've never done mushrooms. That's one thing that I'm like, I have to try that. How about acid? No, that's a little too scary for me. I would say try mushrooms, and if you like them, go ask. To me, honestly, they're a little interchangeable. Acid, there's no... Mushrooms can kind of fuck your stomach up a little bit, but acid, there's no stomach issues. And it's... To me, I don't know. Do you see a difference? To me, I see they're pretty similar, but who knows? They felt pretty similar. Well, we did acid like...

We did SNR 30th birthday. Eldest was born one day before me. Cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We watched Spider-Verse. We watched... With like a bunch of toddlers. That was so good. So good. Yeah. I'm not into... I didn't know nothing about the series. I'm not keeping up with what Spider-Man's getting into. No, no, no. But that movie... An insanely good movie. Loved it. Insanely good. When they all saw each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful, beautiful film. Great film to watch on your 30th birthday. Yeah. And have realizations. Yeah.

Just on acid sitting in the balcony like damn bro life brother I was scared to try it but it was like I think I just didn't take as much as you did Oh I did double what you did Everyone I think I took three tabs My shit was just right You took a tab Yeah yeah I took two and a half Not that bad Anyway I had a great time It was a great birthday Yeah maybe this guy could just like microdose mushrooms

I would say, I've had that problem too where I was micro-dosing for a while and then one time I was going to micro-dose at a wedding and I just dosed. And me and my friend, it was acid actually, and we were so fucking high at a wedding. It was actually really fun, the best wedding I've ever been to. But we're in the Uber going there and the trees are like, and we're on a text group and everyone's like, no one is saying anything, everyone's just like, LOL. LOL.

It was like, LOL, LOL. We know what's going on. We're with five friends. I have no idea how. Communicating without saying anything. You're just like, uh-oh. Very memorable wedding. We don't have time to get into it. But if I'm you, buddy, and I've, so I've been this, I've done this before.

The hardest part for me for not smoking weed is the sleep. Because, like, I use it, it always starts with me with sleep. Like, I always would use it on the road to, like, go to bed. And then that goes into, instead of smoking it at midnight, it turns into, I'll start smoking as soon as I get off stage. And then it goes, like, oh, get a little high in the afternoon to, you're waking, baking, forget it. And then days off, I'm taking, like, 50 milligrams of edibles. You know, whatever. Yeah.

So my advice is you just got to go cold turkey and you got to give yourself some time because it's harder. People treat weed as a bullshit drug and it is. Don't get me wrong. The like the classic half baked like you ever suck dick for weed scene. It is a little it doesn't ruin as many lives, but it can be as addicting. So give yourself give yourself some time. Holidays are actually probably not a bad time because you have some time off and you're going to want to like.

You're going to want to like tucker yourself out. That's what I would do. The day... Like I would stop smoking weed and I would just like exercise more. I would just like... Just make sure... I wouldn't drink caffeine late. Like after like fucking... You know, just very early in the morning. And... Because I think if you can get your sleep...

regulated then that is the worst of it you're gonna have like some shakes you're gonna like not feel great so just have fun days like play some fucking video games do things that are otherwise destructive for you but use them as a crutch to get you off weed you know watch some movies are fun you get to remember the plot I watched the movie I watched the the movie where fucking what's his um Joaquin Phoenix is fucking people up with a hammer uh what is that one called do you know that one

I watched that three times, and the third time, I was like, wait, I've seen this before. I watched it high as shit three times, and I watched it sober, and when it ended, I was like, I've watched this two other times. I was like, this feels so familiar. So I've actually really enjoyed watching movies I would watch sober and being like, oh, this is such a better movie. I remember what happened.

Just tuck yourself out, play some video games, watch some movies, see some friends, do things that are enjoyable and use that as a crutch till you get... Because the first couple of days, you really literally go through these fucking withdrawals. You're in a bad mood. You have all that kind of shit. So...

That's my advice to you, my friend. Yeah, give yourself compassion. And then, yeah, like you were saying, have really good snacks that you like around because I'm sure part of it is like an oral fixation to like eat some snacks. Eat some snacks. CBD, I would like, honestly, I would literally like smoke CBD joints like an old alcoholic drinks O'Doul's. Yeah. You know, so like get, CBD's out there and it does a little something for you and especially the oral fixation. I would literally for a while smoke a CBD joint and just like,

calm down. So, but I think it's good. I honestly do think, I have, I've never stopped smoking weed and been like, this is bad for me. Like, I'm always like happier that I'm doing it. And every time I start smoking again, I'm like, this is a mistake, but I'm going to do it anyway. So, I think you'll feel better, but just try, just,

Tuck yourself out. Exercise. Go on some nice walks. Have some good days. And just, you know, once you get past like a week or two, you're in the clear pretty much. Then it's just like don't start smoking again. Yeah. And if it's a sleep thing, melatonin gummies. Melatonin is not bad either. There we go.

How are we doing on time? Do you have shit to do, Ali? I'm sorry. I don't want to... We're at an hour 40. Oh, nice. Look at us, just fucking crushing it. How about one more? Yeah, one more. One more to say goodbye. Get us a nice one, Eldis. And as always, guys, 904-800-STAV. Leave a fucking voicemail. All right, our goodbye call. Hey, Stavi. As a bigger man, I was wondering, what are the fashion brands that you wear yourself?

As a very fashionable man, I can see that you come out dripping to every show and every podcast. So I want to know, where do you get your clothes? I'm dripping, as you can tell. I'm wearing a 3XL Milwaukee Bucks Japanese. Shout out to Giannis Adetokounmpo and some Adidas 2XL track pants. This is great. Allie, you want to take this one? Yeah. Okay.

Uh, okay. This, a lot, you know, it's a little trial and error as a fat man, right? You have to know, it's also what kind of fat man are you? Your shape, what two XLs work for you, what three XLs work for you. You have to, everything is a little different. Um, I find the comfort colors, the, the t-shirts that are good. I like, uh,

Los Angeles apparel They have a nice Thick Well cut shirt I have comfort colors For like My t-shirts Um

Obviously, you can't go wrong with a tracksuit as a fat guy. The holy grail of fat fashion as a fat man is tracksuit, Hawaiian shirt. Okay? You can get those two pretty well. You got to get yourself a nice pair of pants, but you can find big boy jeans. That's easy. Find some jeans. Find the cut that works for you. Get it in every color. All right? You just got to pants are the hard one, I think.

If you want to splurge, go to the fucking Big and Tall store. Check out fucking... You know what? I don't want to say brands, but I'm going to say it because they've been good to me. DXL. I'm a DXL guy. You ever been to a plus-size store? You ever been to a men's? Never dated a fat man and gone shopping with him? Uh-uh. No. No. Never dated a fashionable fat man? It's not that I wouldn't. It's not that I wouldn't. Wow, no fat guys? On record.

I like fat guys. You're in the hostel getting fucking worked over by anybody who has $32, but you won't fuck a fat man? It was like a disgustingly skinny white rapper from Atlanta.

And I wish that he was just a regular, average, big fat guy. What I would do to take it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I would do to take it back. In hindsight, sure, I'm sure. I will say you're treated like a king at a DXL. Now, the thing is, they know they got you by the balls. They know there's no other place to get that kind of... So there's never a sale. Everything is a little too expensive. They really do trap you. But if you're looking for a luxury experience...

In my estimate, sometimes, I will say, a lot of times, the people working there, I have a hunch, are like gay guys that want to fuck big guys. I get really good service at the one in Manhattan. There's a guy who's like asked me about his day, my day all the time. And I've been to one on the road where the girl was like,

I think her boy, like, you could tell she wanted to, like, she liked fat people. So, like, I do think there is a weird thing where some of the employees even might want to fuck you. And it smells nice in there. They got good stuff. You're going to drop a lot of money, though, I will say. It's a splurge. Yeah, but that might be good to get, like, some staple pieces. Sure. Some nice quality staple pieces that you can wear all the time. Yep, yep, yep. Get some good use out of them. Absolutely. But other than that, it's just a matter of, like...

Find cool t-shirt brands you like, get a nice 3XL, get a 4XL. Find people that have the sizes you like and just hammer those a little bit and then go tracksuit. I'm in the middle of replenishing my tracksuit stores right now. I'm going to actually go. I was doing some Googling. I think Fila has some nice ones. Now, one thing I will say, Adidas, I like Adidas, but some of these brands have to get better with their 3XL products.

They stop at 2XL. And we're a fat country.

You know, my man over here, he might be a 4XL, he might be a 5XL. We need some fat acceptance. But it's growing. Land's End, L.L. Bean, they've recently gone to bigger sizes. But you can't go wrong with a tracksuit and a nice colorful shirt. Or the winter version of that, another version that I'm not as into, but I like to throw on every once in a while. It's almost like lumberjack fat guy. Get some plaid. Get a nice cardigan. Come on. Yeah.

You want to look cozy. I love a big man in a cardigan. That's a good look. It's a great look. It's a great look. And also, I'm not a big man, but I would say...

Don't do like the Walmart, like classic goofy t-shirt. Like, oh, I'll just be like the quirky big guy. I would say have some confidence. Wear something that you feel really good in. Absolutely. You feel swagged out. Get stuff that's like nice. Don't be like buying cheap shit because you're like, I'm going to lose weight, so I'll just buy the cheap thing. No, no, that's huge, actually. That is big advice here. Own your bigness. Know where you're at.

A big moment in this tour, I was fighting having to go back. I had clawed my way out of 3X. I was even at 1X for a while. And then I was like, just be honest with where you are right now. It's not for the rest of your life. But literally the most anxiety I would have was packing for the road and being like, I have three and a half shirts that fit me, depending on if I've had a big blunch or not, that half shirt.

And when I just bought you clothes and I looked great, like I love the clothes. It was like really worth it. So be honest with yourself. That is a huge one. That's a great one. Don't buy something cheap and be like, oh, I don't need it. You know, it's like you'll be wearing that something cheap that you're losing weight. You'll be wearing that for the next eight months and you'll look like shit. So be honest with where you are. You're good. And if you want to lose weight, keep at it, work at it. But you can always buy you clothes. So just be honest.

Be very honest with what you are. And don't just look at yourself from the perfect angle. That's another problem with a fat guy. There's one angle where you don't look so fat.

And you are looking at yourself in the mirror like that. No one else sees you like that. Okay? Look at the, you got to look at the side, brother. Right? It's not going to be nice. You're not going to like how it looks. But if you're honest with yourself, then you can dress for it. Right? So, yes, be honest with your body. Have comfortable clothes. And splurge a little bit. Have a couple staple pieces. Have a nice look that's also repeatable. Mm-hmm.

And I think sometimes guys are afraid to ask an employee at the store for advice or help. And I would say just ask. Sure. Ask. Get some outside opinions. Yep, yep, yep. Switch it up. Try something different that you wouldn't normally try because you're like, oh, like a fat guy wouldn't rock this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try something weird that you normally wouldn't. I agree with you fully. And I also think there is also one strength that I have found is that...

Uh, if it seems like you shouldn't have confidence, but you do, people are very attracted to that. Like, like there's no on paper. You don't look at me and go, that guy believes in himself, right? You, if you don't know who I am and you see me approaching from the street, you haven't, you're not a comedy fan. You don't know what's going on. You're like, but I come up to you and I just have no, you know,

I just behave the way I always behave. People are like, something in their basic head is like, this man looks like he shouldn't be, you know, not believing him. This man looks like he shouldn't speak to me with this much authority in his voice. What's going on? What's, I have to find out what's going on here. And everyone likes a jolly, this is the time, by the way, this is big boy season. Everybody likes a jolly fat guy. Put on a cute sweater, be cuddly, be fun. You're

you're fucking, you're, you're gonna, you're gonna crush it, pal, so go to DXL, go to, you know, these other brands, L.L. Bean has some fucking bigger stuff, and just go on the internet and try one thing from each website to see how it fits you before you, before you really fucking break the bank, so that's my advice to you, my friend, and I think you're gonna do really great, um,

Good luck to you, buddy. Good luck to everybody who called in. 904-800-STOP. We'll be back again soon with another episode. Allie, you were fucking awesome. You were such a good guest. Thanks for having me. Of course. Come back anytime. Which of the people? What do you want to plug here? What do you want them to see? I have some shows coming up. If you want to see if I'm in your city, go to alliemakowski.com slash shows. Now we're talking. And that's it for now.

Hell yeah. Go see Ali on the road. Come see me on the road. Stavi.biz, the Fat Rascal Tour. We're selling out all over the place, baby. And tell your friends about the show. It's new. We're trying to get it off the ground. Leave us a nice review, all that kind of stuff. From me and super producer Eldis, goodbye, everyone. Play us off, Eldi. There it is. See you next time.