#88 - Mandal and Langston Kerman 01:26:57

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Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We got a nice panel today. We're, of course, in our new personal studio that we decorated.

It's gorgeous, by the way. Thank you, man. Yeah, yeah. We're in New York. We're in Astoria, Queens. We have returning Langston Kerman, of course. Yeah. And we have Mandel holding it down. Thanks for coming, dude. Thank you. We've banished Langston to the non-fat zone of the podcast. Absolutely. You don't get the whole setup. It does feel like you're trying to make me feel small in a way. Yeah.

And to be honest, I think we need more of that. More banishing of Langston. I agree. Very rarely do the levers of power, our fat hands, controlling the, pushing the levers of power. And today they,

are and so we've gotten him there we've got the most handsome best shaped guy he is relegated to the shittiest spot absolutely I love that that's what we're doing most podcasts you two show up you're definitely getting the shittier chair usually if you two show up they're definitely putting him up somewhere nicer and I wouldn't stand up for him in that situation no no that's how life is man

What do you want from me? There's injustice everywhere. What do you want me to fix it? This baby's dying in the Congo. Yeah. I'm getting the better chair. I'm a handsome light-skinned man. That's how things work. It's sick, man. On his podcast with Bori, bro. I'm telling you, Bori always come in pixelated. Yeah. Man, the sign ain't wrong. Yeah.

He got the bouquet camera. He got a boy on a no-key. That's what I'm saying. Me and boy about to start a podcast. Slander and Langston. Oh, shit. This is what happened. They let America get too fat, and we have now outnumbered you. And that's the thing. Once the workers wake up, then the fats wake up, it's over for everybody. Can I say something? For a year and a half that you guys are all alive at the same time. That's funny.

It's going to be scary hours. Yeah, you guys are just going to get your base up a mountain. It's like up a, not even that steep a hill, just up a slight incline. It's like, all right, we're fine. They'll talk themselves out. They try and storm the citadel. Oh.

Y'all don't realize it's hard being fat, bro. I remember at one festival it was me and two other fat comedians. We got in an Uber together. All of us, 400 pounds. And the dude was an Asian. But he was Asian. Not saying that affects anything. I have some thoughts when you're done, but yeah. He gave us one star. Oh!

He gave me a one-star ride all because of obesity. That's sick. And that's why I'm on a campaign to get laced up out of here. Did he let you sit in the front or were all three of you in the back? Well, we had to put somebody. If all of us were put in the front, if we was all in the back, his bumper would have been on the ground. Sparks would have been flying.

Can I say something? Yes, you can. Go off. I don't know if I'm doing a lot. No, no, please. Bro, I really appreciate you because you really are a fat icon. Thank you. You're going to make me blush, bro. Thank you. Nah, man, you really do.

doing it for fabulous and another thing that you're doing you almost got my haircut I always want it thanks dude you got the cul-de-sac with the long hair yeah yeah yeah and I always want the cul-de-sac with a ponytail the ponytail what do you think this is for nothing we're getting there bro we're close look at this shit dude nah once you do that you'll come we're close we're close that's the next I've got a couple things in the you guys are catching me I like to think of myself I'm in the cocoon right now

You know, I didn't mean to come out, but, you know, we had the Netflix thing, the Mulaney show, which you guys are working on. That's how we met. You were doing warm up on the show and you're writing on it, obviously. But we've been boys, you know, since the Mike days, since the New York Mike days. It's like when you, we weren't like, we didn't start together, but we restarted together. You know what I mean? Like we all came from our own little cities.

even though you Chicago motherfuckers had a nice little leg up in New York at the time, we did a mass sort of like just a rival. It really was. You all were running every show. Everybody was getting on everything. And then Hannibal was putting everybody up. Yeah. It's like, what the fuck is this? It got weird. Yeah. But anyway, we did at the same time. So we, but like, uh, so anyway, I got out to LA and,

And I was planning on, I'm taking basically the first few, I'm taking a lot of this year off. Yeah. And so, but when I come out of that cocoon, I'm going to be still fat, but jacked, a little more muscular, a little more up top, you know. That Mark Henry. Slightly less fat. Because that's the thing. When you're fat as shit, you could lose 100 pounds and still be fat. And that's the thing. It's like, so I'm happy to be, I want to just be the most fat person.

regular guy. You know what I mean? I want to go back to shopping at general stores. I want to be able to just find a shirt last minute. It doesn't have to be a whole thing. If I'm going to a wedding, I don't want it to take me six months to make sure I'll be able to be clothed. You know what I mean? When we shot the Netflix special, Mandel opened for that and he was the first person I wanted to do this thing. We had this bit where he was reading this poem

from Love Jones before the show. I love it. And I was like, bro, you should wear like a turtleneck. You should wear like a tweed jacket on top of it. Love that look. And he was like, man, that's cool, bro. Hey, you're going to have to go ahead and make that official for me, the outfit, because I'm going to need about a month and a half to get that kind of size for

for my body. That ain't something I can pick up day of. Yeah, Laysan. Laysan literally gonna hit me like, yeah, it's whatever. We'll figure it out the week before. I'm like, no, we won't. There's no chance that's happening. There's no fit happening. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Yeah, dude. 100%. There's a lot that goes... I went to...

When you got married, I had to go... I went to Indochino and I literally... It was the last suit they had in Indochino. They were like... The guy looks at me like... Because, you know, they do custom fitting. And I'm like, great. They'll do any, you know, any body. Size don't matter here. This motherfucker looks at me, he's like...

he's nervous. You know, I get the Indochino. He's fucking sweating, bro. And then, and he takes the one, I guess the, the one before the biggest one just to kind of give himself a little, just to give himself a little breathing room. And I'm like, come on, bro. Not fitting. And you spotted it right away. And I just, cause it's at the very, he like fucking blew dust off it. There's no, no fat motherfuckers are going Indochino. And then he goes to the last one and he was like, whew.

And he was not, he didn't give a fuck about me at all. It was for him to get commission or whatever, whatever the, whatever weird structure they have. And he was just like, Oh, thank God. Cause we straight up don't make a bigger size. He didn't, he wasn't even like great, sir. He didn't like trying sugar coated. He was just like rude. He was like being a professional. He was literally like surprised because I know when he, when I came in, he was like,

No chance. I know that's what he was thinking. You know, that happened to me. He'll wander for a second and he'll walk out of here. He knows his place. I'm fatter than you, bro. You ain't never had them have to pull out a different measuring tape. The girl tried to get around my waist. She said, hold on one second. We gotta go get that heavy duty.

That's when I knew I had to walk out of the store. I was at the, and I wasn't even at a fast place. I was at the dang men's warehouse. I was supposed to light the way I look. What happened to the guarantee, you motherfuckers?

What happened to him? Is he still with us? I think he is, actually. He's got... What's that guy, Zimmerman? His name's Zimmerman or something. We guarantee it, dude. Yeah, you're going to like the way I look. I didn't know that was a real dude. Oh, that's a guy. Yeah, he'd like dye his hair deeply. For fuck's sake. I mean, come on.

Look it up. You're in the Zen paradise right now, dude. I see your eyes darting around your fucking head. Your cheeks are full. You're all jacked up on Zens. He is, dude. It's hard for fat people. It's tough. It's tough.

Don't mind me, folks. It's me from the future here on a beautiful balcony in Greece. I just got done at the beach, the beach you see right behind me, swimming in those salty waters, rejuvenating myself. And I was looking damn sexy doing it thanks to my friends at Chubby's. That's right. I was wearing this swimsuit right here for our audio listeners. You're going to want to log on to YouTube and look what I'm pointing at. A beautiful stretch swimsuit with hot pink

and crocodiles on it. A crocodile print

A very sexy surfer when I was in Malibu. She had big titties. She complimented me on the suit. She was Australian. She said, no, I'm sick, mate. And, you know, I got, well, I'll keep it clean for our advertiser. But let's just say something inside me stiffened. Huh? These, I have loved Chubbies for years. This is true. We advertise a lot of dog shit on this podcast. This is not one of those products. I have legitimately worn Chubbies since I was 15.

Since they came out, I think I was a freshman or a sophomore in college. I love this brand because as a plus size man, a lot of times you buy shorts and you're very limited, right? You get your standard khaki, you get a swimsuit, you might get one print. And also for big guy sizing, they very rarely let you have short inseams. Chubby's has size up to 3XL and you can get an inseam that's 4.5 inches. I'm a 5.5 man myself, but this is revolutionary. Okay.

Usually big guy shorts, you look like a fucking juggalo. You look like you're in the NBA in 2001, like Allen Iverson, while David Stern was suspending him, instituting a dress code. Baggy as hell, right? What if you're a fat boy that wants to show his thighs off? Chubbies has you covered. I've been a fan for that exact reason for over a decade. I'm so happy that they're back. They advertised this with us a little bit last year with the Two Wolves collection.

And I'm just pumped they're back. And you should be pumped too. No other brand for a big boy has the kinds of colors. You know I like the peacock. You know I like to look good, right? They have beautiful colors. I'm a shorts guy. That's how I know them. I'm happy to be back in the mix with them because I'm going to try their Friday shirts too.

You know I'm a Hawaiian guy. They got fun, colorful shirts. They got prints. The fabric feels nice. It's comfortable on your big body. Sorry for the little guys. I know they got clothes for you too, but I'm talking from my perspective here. I love chubbies. I've loved them for, like I said, over a decade, and you will too. Join the chubbies armada with me. Pledge your fealty to chubbies.

And you don't have to do it at full price because for our fans, they have a limited time offer, 20% off. That's right, 20% off if you use the code STAVVY. Very important to use that code. They know we said yeah. STAVVY at checkout. Support the show. Look fly as hell for the end of the summer or for the rest of your life. Sometimes I just buy swimsuits to get ready for the next season, baby. I'm literally wearing a different type of chubbies right now.

That's how much I love Chubbies. And this wasn't planned. I've been out of the country for weeks and we just got Chubbies to sign on. I just had this in my closet. You know it's a real endorsement, you dummies. Chubbies, in use code STAVVY, S-T-A-V-V-Y, I love you, goodbye. Yeah. I have gotten into the, I have definitely gotten into big and tall culture. Mm.

the stores, but I'm starting to get a little too comfortable. I don't want to... What do you mean by the culture? Just like really setting up shop in big and tall. You know? Knowing when the new drops are coming. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm like, all right.

I have certain levels that I've hit that I'm like too comfortable here. It's one thing to pop in for a second. Had a rough couple months. I need a fucking pants from Big and Tall. No big deal. But when I'm, it's bookmarked. When I know, oh, they got, oh, they got Nautica this time. You know, like I know Polo.

Polo's all over the big and tall. I'm polo'd up. One thing they're going to do with that big and tall, they're going to plaid you. They will plaid you up. They will get you a print. They will plaid you. They will print you. You know something, though? I had a bit about this for a while, but you know, the biggest issue for me is that, and you're a little bit taller than me, and you just overall, you're a peak version of myself. Damn, man.

I know, I know, I know. What the fuck? We're in the same zone. Don't you worry about it. They be so focused on, oh, if you fat, you also tall. Right. It's rarely like, nah, I'm just fat and short. They like, no, we don't. That ain't American. It's fucked up to like, it's like, come on, guys. If it ain't at this store, where the fuck am I getting pants?

Come on, you motherfuckers. See, I want a store that has big or tall. Yeah, big or tall. I want big or tall, not big hands. Yeah, absolutely. You know what I'm saying? And by the way, while we're on the fucking... Langston, you can leave, actually. This is... You're having a good time? While we're on the subject. But I'm not feeling like I'm earning it. You know what I mean? I'm not earning my keep here. I'm proud of you, boys. And I'm happy you're dressed, but...

Based off of your story, it seems like you should be ass naked just begging for large, large cloths. Large, short cloths. While we're on the subject, the models are all tall. Why? I mean, let me see some representation in my own store. Absolutely. Why can't we get someone who's fat as shit? And sometimes they'll get a chubby guy, but...

Give me a fucking obese guy. Absolutely. Let the guy be fat as fucking ugly. That's who's at your fucking stores. I've been saying this the whole time. I want to be like the first fat catalog model. Yeah, dude. I want to be in there like that. I want y'all to have the model where you hold your hands up and your belly shows. How about you relax? How about you relax?

You know, I just wanted to have fun too. Can I say something, bro? Of course, dude. This is what I'm trying to figure out Langston, bro. Yeah, yeah. Let's get into it. This is what I'm trying to figure him out. Because, you know, I went up on his special and, you know, like the crowd with all his friends and family, everybody's attractive. Yeah. He's the most attractive stand-up comedy artist I've ever seen. And so I'm like,

what happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Let's get to the bottom of this. I got abuse like the rest of us. Okay, okay, okay. There we go. Emotionally. Sure, sure, sure. I'm like, why is he funny? Right, right, right. Well, it is true that like, if everyone's hot, then no one's hot. Mm.

Right? So he probably got emotionally like some with, like maybe you had some hot parents, you know what I mean? Maybe you're, you know what I mean? Like, like, cause like fat, fat parents, like,

I do feel like the thinner you are, the meaner you are. The fatter you are, the more violent I feel like. Like a real fat abuse is much more like, you know, I don't know. At least in my experience, it hasn't been mind games.

it's simpler. You know what I mean? And now I'm fine. Maybe I'm falling in some ugly stereotypes about our body types, but like, it is like that, you know, like I can see it being, you know, some emotionally withholding, you know, what did it tell us? And like, what's the, what's the back, what's your parents like? I don't want to, uh, just get sad. My parents are night, lovely people. They loved me dearly. I think, uh, I just come from, uh,

my mom has been married four times. My dad has been married three times. Yeah, that's what it is. Too hot. Too many options. Laughter

They always were looking for better. I said that to my mother many times. A couple of fat, homely parents right here, they were stuck with each other. So they took it out on their children. But you know something, bro? Yeah. I got the opposite. So my parents was cool. Okay. If you look at my dad growing up. Where'd you grow up, by the way? I grew up in Atlanta. I'm from Atlanta. Okay, cool. Great city. They was cool. So I came out fat and that was a struggle for them. Whoa. You get what I'm saying? I'm like, uh, anime. Uh-huh.

I'm like, anime, y'all watch wrestling? And they're like, what a basketball lad. They're like, come on, man. They'll at least be the nose tackle. At least play some football. You know, when I was growing up, I felt like my dad was always trying to, like, he always thought I might be gay. But then it hit a point where I could tell that he,

When I got older, he was rathering that I was gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that was cooler than me just not being attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get what I'm saying? Yes. Getting cock is so much better than wanting but never getting pussy. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Because then, because that,

fake him because then that's in the genes. By the way, it's incredible to be so, such a fat loser that your father from Atlanta became not homophobic. That is like a testament to how much shit was going bad for you in middle school. Absolutely. I do think more people should know how much dick you can get if you become gay. Absolutely. I started crunching the numbers. I was like, I didn't get pussy in high school. So I was like,

could I just be gay? Yeah. And I ultimately could not pull the trigger. Sure. And I thank God did get pussy by the time college rolled around. But for a second, it's like, that is an elegant solution. I've had to play a gay, gay-ish person. Yeah. On television multiple times. Right. And to this day, it is the most motherfuckers who DM me. Yeah. It's just men showing me their open ass. Yeah.

And being like, you like this? And I don't. As it turns out, I'm not a fan. I've seen enough of it at this point to know it wasn't personal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It truly is across the board. None of these assholes have ever tempted me once. Of course. Have ever done it for you. But man, would I be cleaning the fuck up if I just decided to go the other way. Yeah. Hey, bro, and you know something? That's something special that you always have in your back pocket, bro. Come on. Just kidding.

abandon your family abandon your family become a gay guy do what everyone thinks happens in Hollywood damn that is so funny do you have any other siblings no I'm an only child only child so you were it yeah I'm a mom's only kid my dad my dad has like

So many. A lot of kids. I will say this. He has a bunch of kids because he was cool. A bunch of kids. Plenty by plenty. I can't say that. That is the truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's empirical. That's just data. But he's lucky, though, because I'm like the middle.

the kids and the dude that's older than me who we have the same name he's cool he's cool he did MMA in high school you know what I'm saying he was very cool guy I love that you call him the dude not your brother the gentleman I met

So you live in New York? I live in New York. I live in New York. I have a place in Baltimore. I got a place in Baltimore now. I grew up in Baltimore. And part of me was like, I think I'm going to live in Baltimore half the time. But I can't fucking do it. I got to be. It's like you realize when you're home, you're like, I can't be here that much. I got to get the fuck out of here. But I do love it.

Um, but yeah, I'm in New York and, uh, I love it there. And it really made me want to just fucking really get back in the mix with New York in a serious way. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. Just being in Baltimore. Being in Baltimore and also, cause I was like on the road and, and I was like, do I even need to live in New York? It's fucking expensive. Yeah. I have money, but I tried to buy a place. You can't buy a place unless you're fucking a Saudi prince in New York. Like, it's like you get rich. You're like, great, I've done it. It's like, no, you have to fucking, you know. No, you got it.

You got sort of rich. Yeah, I got Baltimore. I could buy a house in Baltimore, no problem. I could buy the best house in Baltimore. You didn't realize there were tiers above rich. The tiers are wild, bro. It's insane, yeah. But yeah. Would you move here? I don't know. I don't want to. I really don't want to. And as much as I like, I've been thinking about, because like I said, the cocoon, I'm in like a little crisis where I'm trying to figure my life out. Because shit works out and it's like, oh, okay.

I never thought I'd get this successful ever. I thought I'd just get the headline, comedy clubs. And so now I'm like, well, I got more than what I wanted, but life still sucks dick. So why did that happen? And so now I'm trying to figure it out. And so I want to act a little bit, but, dude, ultimately it's fucked up. I just fucking love stand-up. And it just always comes back to that. And it's the best –

it's the best lifestyle if you can just control it a little bit. And I'm just trying to learn not to have to go, don't get fucked up. Don't go crazy on the road. I probably should try and be in a relationship because then it's like,

The biggest thing is just getting fucked up and trying to get pussy after every show. And if you take that away and you replace that with a fulfilling family life, then maybe I won't die at fucking 52, which is what I'm cruising for right now. You know what I mean? If I get there, bro, this is how I believe life works. And I don't know. But I believe you get oh so much...

All-stars from Waffle House. Yeah. And I done had my allotted amount for a lifetime. So now every other one. The next one could be the one that kills you. I take years off my life.

So right now, I think I'm sitting around 48. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, if I eat another one, we 47.8. 47.7. I don't think it's a whole month, but yeah. But you're right. Definitely, it's coming down. I'm not lying. Bro, I want to move here, but the issue is, because I live in Atlanta, and I never moved, and I should have. Yeah. I was supposed to move to Penn. I'm trying to move, but- How old are you? I'm 20.

30 now. That's why I feel late to move. Whatever. But I wanted to move to LA, but the issue is all the toilet bowl waters are too low, man. The flushing is tough around here. It's sick. And then they got nice Mexican folks selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs.

Right. It's like you can't have both. You can't. No, no, no. Wait, you're saying that the Mexican ladies shouldn't be selling those hot dogs? No, I think they should, but if you're going to have that, you're going to have some hashtag real poopers. Yeah. Yeah.

And you can't have low toilet water because then you get the skid marks. It's not just the low toilet water. It's the pressure with which it flushes. That's what I'm saying. You need a real... This city is on fire. 98% of the time, we literally can't afford it. It was raining a lot this year, bro. Let's get some fucking water pressure up in the toilets. On this platform, I just want to say...

Shout out to all my real poopers. You should feel seen. You should feel loved. Eldest is smiling right now. You want to talk about it? We lived together and I think you probably, Eldest clogged the toilet at least every two weeks. Let's go. Let's go. You were definitely on a two-week diet.

Yeah, you know, sometimes, I mean, you know, you think you're okay with the toilet paper, but you try flushing and you're like, I know that was a two-wipe and flush kind of thing. Sometimes it didn't make sense. Whoa. Sometimes it's not even like, oh, I use too much toilet paper. Oh, it's never I use too much toilet paper. For this fucking guy? Yeah. He's a fucking 6'5", you know, obese Albanian. Yeah. Now he's looking better than he was when we lived together. He was fattish. We were both really...

God damn. In a brutal way. Just everything that came out of you was like the toilet said no. It's not a good feeling when you take a shit and like the toilet paper is still in the toilet. That means like the shit clogged the pipes, not the toilet paper. This fucking guy. It's hilarious. Man, have you ever been in somebody's house and you clog the toilet and they don't have the pleasure? You got to tell them. Oh, I did.

I definitely, I would be like, yeah, man, my bad for the toilet paper. Even if I know it was just me. Of course, if it was pure shit. You don't want them to know that about you. Every bathroom needs a plunger. You got a plunger in the basement. Real poopers that ride home. I do believe in that. Absolutely. That's beautiful. It's just smart. Yeah, come on. I've seen people pull the plunger out of the, under the toilet.

kitchen sink. That's twisted. That's fucked up. That's twisted. Make you do the walk of shame to the things. But yo, you shouldn't keep that in the kitchen, man. No, I'm with you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Mandel, sorry. Can you put that little statue behind the microphone? Yeah, totally. In the corner there. Is that cool? There you go. Yes, sir. Cool. Cool.

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Yeah, man. It's a, but you know, I like it out here, man. I had an Uber driver who, um, he wouldn't let us get out the car before he gave us his brand of meat pills. Meat pills? I was passing out meat pills to everybody. He said, I quote. What are meat pills exactly? Pills for your meat. Oh, dick pills. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he said it was mail-in

Hanson because he said men can't get BBLs. So this is they BBL. So his was more of a plumping situation than a hardening situation? He said, keep you going. He said big boy the radio host saved his family in Aruba with his medicine. He called it medicine.

Because it gave him like energy. That's what he said. He said he's selling me pills. In fact, I'm going to tell you, and I'm not making this up. I don't want to name, I don't want to say, I don't want to give him the, I don't know. But he did say, my favorite part was he was like, yeah, man. And if you go down,

to Hollywood. Yeah. It's some cheap models down there. He said, he's like, yeah, they're models down there, they broke. You go down there, you just buy my dinner, you take this supplement, and I was like, hey man, I don't think you know what type of dude I am.

I'm just trying to figure out more ways to pay my rent. What's the hard? I don't want to go to get the cheap model. It's cheap models. It makes me feel lower than when you find out what your Uber driver is willing to talk to you about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like as a kid, they go, you know, if I say this, you will still give me good start. Totally. He looked at Mandel. He was like, all right, let me, let me do some starter sex trafficking with this kid. This guy looks like a guy who wants to know how to sex traffic some fucking, uh, some Ukrainians that thought they were getting out of a war torn area. And I'm not making this up. He said, Kevin Hart uses his stuff.

And he said, Kevin Hart is using it. He said he's trying to get Kanye to use it. He's trying to recruit Kanye now. And he told me, he said he's giving them to me for free so I can say it in my set. Oh, wow. Guerrilla marketing. Yes. Have you tried one yet? Absolutely not. You know what? You know who my favorite part of this whole conversation is? He was like, yeah, man, I got this made by a real chemist. And

And there's two issues that I have with that sentence. Two parts. First, the fact that he had to say real. Yeah, absolutely. And second, usually when we put stuff in our bodies, I want a doctor. Yeah, right, right. Chemist isn't good enough for you. Chemist is a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chemists make potions. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm.

I think you're thinking of witches. Yeah, same thing to me. I'm from the South. Kimmy's shoes, Kimmy's shoes, cauldrons. You know, it's Newts and Eye of Toad and that kind of shit. Yeah, man, but shout out to him, man. He said he only drive Uber for fun and just to meet people. Right, right. His real business and passion is meat pills. That's definitely true. That guy,

I had a Uber driver recently. I got in the car and he was playing a YouTube at the front dash. It was two men arguing about the fact that BBLs, recently they've discovered that BBLs stink.

That there's like an odor. That's when he was playing with the volume up. Volume up. Wow. It was BBL stinking. Two niggas being like, yeah, I was with a bitch. And I was like, baby, you got an odor about you. Now, let me ask you this. Was it playing off the phone or did he have it Bluetooth connected into the whole? Off the phone. Bluetooth. Oh, off the phone. Off the phone. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, Bluetooth. Yeah, through the phone, Bluetooth. This was for all of our enjoyment. Dang.

That's awesome. Because I've been in an Uber where they'll play like something and they'll personally be watching the news. No, no, no. You offered me nothing else besides stinky BBL and light conversation. That's awesome. I don't know if I'm taking up too much air time. No, dude, please go crazy. Can I tell my favorite Uber story? Absolutely. Bro, I'm in Atlanta and it's a dude.

He's an Uber man, which y'all know based on the stories we have been telling. But he was driving an Uber and he's playing a sermon, right, in his church. The church is very, very small. And it's a dude breaking down how Soulja Boy's Yule, a Superman song, is worshiping the devil. And he was like, you know what they call...

a Superman, right? And then the crowd is like indifferent in the video. And then he's like, a Superman is what a dude take his stuff that only a man can make, put it on a towel and put it on a woman's back.

He's literally going over the thing we said as children that no one's ever done. He's saying, you know what a RoboCop is? He's like, that's where you take that same stuff, put it in a bucket, and put it on a woman's head. And I was like, I think you're the freak. Ha ha ha!

I think you're the freak. No, no regular person thought that. Why do you know the robo-catholic? And what point was he making? He was saying that we can't let our kids listen to this stuff because they ingrain and twist this stuff into their heads. But you're putting it in our heads. I didn't know that. I thought we were just dancing. And then he pulled out a

A notepad asked for my email. So I got to talk to you again. He wasn't even a preacher, though. So he's just talking. Oh, I thought he was watching a sermon. No, it was a video that he put on a whole laptop. Not an iPad. A laptop. A laptop. And handed it to us. Of himself? No, he's just a member of this church. That's his homie. Okay.

He's just a loyalist to the Superman church. He put out a laptop, opened up, and he put it in the back with me and my homeboy and had us watch his video. Oh, he's not watching with you. No, he put out a laptop. He's like, I got something to show you guys. I thought it was like sitting in the front and we all get to experience this. No, he got in the car. He said, I'm a part of this church. I want to show y'all this sermon. Before he takes his foot off the gas, he opens up a laptop, types in Superman Clips.

Cause he thought this was gonna convert me. Put it in the back seat and say, now don't you wanna join, don't you wanna live a Christian life with me, man?

Don't you want to love God with me and my church of five people? That cat was sick, man. And let me tell you something. He wasn't even a preacher, though. Yeah, I believe that. Of course it wasn't. He was probably in like a back room. I looked at a house once. I looked at an apartment and they were just running. It was like just some like Bahamian dude that was running his own unaccredited church in the basement. Oh, my God. It was fucking weird, dude. It felt like a little... It was like a little...

like voodoo, like light voodoo type shit was going on around there. Plus just a lot of Christian iconography, but it's like, you'll get a lot of those little ass churches that it's like,

Who the fuck is even in charge of this? Yeah. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I mean, a lot of, I mean, a lot of like small churches can go very wild. That's how you get a cult starting. It's like a proto-cult. You gotta think about how many churches had snakes that killed people and we just don't know about it. We'll never know about it. You know what I mean? Like all the ones that are fucking around with like weird fucking shit and it just kills a lady and now...

That church closes up and we had no clue. No idea. And it's a weird thing because I'm a Christian, bro. Yeah, I was going to ask you, Atlanta, I feel like everyone is. There's a lot of church going on over there. Oh, absolutely. I grew up back there. I'm as a black Georgia person I could be. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. But nonetheless, it do be some insane individuals, bro. Absolutely. Insane individuals. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Atlanta also leads the country in like church gay guys.

And like just choir directors that say they haven't met the right woman yet that are still looking for the right woman. When the Lord finally puts her in his life. Yeah. He's going to be different. I promise. Here's the thing, though, bro. I think that they really do make great music, though. Absolutely. That's all they have. You ever been to any of those churches with those guys? Yeah, of course. They're the best.

It's like, yo, y'all are killing it. That's why I think parades were better in the 50s. All gay guys had was planning parades. That's all they had to fucking do, dude. I bet you go back in time, the 4th of July parade in 1954 was going off. The floats were out of control because they can't have gay sex. Because the second you can fuck a guy's ass, you're not putting that much effort into the float. But if you put

All that energy? Oh, incredible. Incredible stuff. In the same way, and you still get that at a choir in Atlanta. You still get that

that energy. I have nothing else but my art and I will make my art everything. Why is Tyler Perry so prolific? You say what you want about the quality of the film. But he's coming out. The man does not stop producing ever. Can I say something bro? Can I say something? I'm going to say something wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, I do not

Enjoyed the Tyler Perry stuff Sure Okay I thought that No no no I am going another way I am going another way What's the but? But I do Respect it Yeah And the reason why I know a lot of people don't Yeah I respect it Because when I was Seven years old Nine years old We took my grandmama To go see Madea's class reunion Sure And to Fox City and Atlanta Sure

And to her left, to her right, everybody looked just like her. And then when he said a lady walked in and she had on a silver shirt, she said, you walking in looking like a little one of them four. And I saw thousands of 48-year-old black women. Yeah.

And I said, this is for somebody. They like this. These are good people. These people raise families. They go to work and then they want to come home and watch a dude in a dress act like a grandma. What is wrong with that? I'm with you. You're saying we're pretending as if these are flyover people when they are valued people.

of our... These are real human beings. It's just number, yeah. There's a lot of them. And he is providing a service for them. I'm totally with you. The place that gets the funniest is when he starts making moral judgments. Say whatever you want about the quality of the comedy, but it's so funny when it's like...

In everything, it's like the wife who was being abused gets AIDS because she like cheats with a man who over years like she became friends with and they made a real relationship. And it's like the person who loses is always like...

The wife who doesn't respect the man. The one person he doesn't want to have sex with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly. I get that. I get when everyone makes that point. But I think that... But I'm with you. Madea... I tried to get my family to go see Madea's Halloween. Mm.

on Thanksgiving when it was in the dollar theater. Yeah. And no one would go with me. Yeah. You know, but it's, it's, it's definitely, I just like it. Yeah. It's, you know, that schlock on TV, you know, boom, ideas. Halloween came from a Chris rock bit. No, he heard the bit and he was like, that's a good idea. Literally the, the year I wrote for the Oscars, uh, Chris rock put in a bit from, from that Oscars room. Yeah. Uh,

about making a joke that next Tyler Perry is going to make Boo a Madea's Halloween. That's awesome. And then Tyler, he didn't ask for consent from Tyler Perry. And then Tyler Perry caught wind of the joke because it airs on the fucking Oscars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he basically like pressures Lionsgate into like, or pressures them into like a lawsuit type situation or he just goes and makes the shit. Yeah.

That's hard. And so he went and made this shit. That actually is awesome. And then Chris sort of clocked it and was like, because he didn't sue Chris, he just made threats and shit. Yeah.

wrote boo of Madea's Halloween and then never said anything to Chris and then Chris clocked it and he had to decide whether he was going to sue. Should he sue for taking his intellectual property? It's just everybody's fucking going crazy. That is awesome to be like, yeah, fuck it, I'll do it. I'll make it. If you're going to make $500,000, we're going to take it cross country, man. Yeah.

We're going to make the movie. We're going to make the merch. The ride. It would be a great theme park. There's two movies. You made two of them. Oh, there's two? There's two movies. It would be an incredible video game. With the haunted ghosts. Hitting them with our purse. Yeah. Ow.

I like the idea. I like the idea that it's one of them investigation games. Oh, yeah, you have to find clues. Yeah, and then you have to do different costumes, and as Medea, he has to dress up as a dude. Yeah. Oh, it's Medea pretending to be a guy to gain entry in some kind of men's only... Absolutely. She has to sneak into like...

like, uh, what are the fucking, what is those secret societies called? Like, like the skull and bones, skull and bones. Like what were the simpsons, the stone cut, the Masons just to sneak into a Freemasons lodge. So Tyler Perry puts on like, it's,

He hides his fake titties, but he doesn't take them off. Has to hide them over a large coat. No, it's a Mrs. Doubtfire on top of a Mrs. Doubtfire. Oh, wow. A double Doubtfire. That's good. Something interesting that y'all should check out. Yeah. It's a scene in the Family Reunion play. I've seen all these plays a thousand times when I was a kid. Did you see them live? I saw the Class Reunion live, but all the rest of them...

The tapes just went around. Right, right, right. It was like every grandmama had these videos. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Bro, it's one where it's a family reunion and it's a lady talking to a boy. The way the stage is set up, it's outside of a house. And then Madea comes to open the door and tell him to come in. But when he opened the door, he has no shirt on. So it's just the fake...

bags hanging out. Whoa. And it's like a funny little bit. Wow. But like he literally opens the door without no shirt and then the crowd laughs. Is he wearing a fake bra? No, it's the actual like costume bag. Loose cotton titties. Absolutely. And then everybody laughs at it and I look back and like, hey man, that was insane. Yeah. Yeah.

That was insane. That's why I'm in comedy. It's also insane that like, I'm thinking about it because I remember those plays because, you know, growing up in Baltimore, it's like obviously they're coming through Baltimore. Yeah. And it's insane that, because I think about that and there would be Greek, you know, Greek people are like, I don't know, 1% of America, whatever the fuck, like maybe less than that. And we would have like, we used to have, yeah,

My parents were like a community play thing and they would put on plays to like entertain themselves because they're in a foreign country that doesn't get their culture. It's insane how big plays were for black people. Yeah. Up until really like, I don't know, four years ago. I, you know. There are still, if you listen to real radio, there are still some of them plays out there. But that's, that's almost like. They don't go viral and then become. They don't have to be anymore because it's like, you know, there actually does feel like there's been real,

real like black media with like real staying power in the last 20, 30 years. But that is fucking wild. How like reduced in the media landscape, black people, a huge percentage of the fucking, like you had to go do basically your own vaudeville shit for people, for grandmas to see something. That's fucking crazy. But that alone is why I'm,

I'm on board. Yeah. I get the people who are like, hey, bro, this stuff sucks. And even that point you made, like, listen, the dude who had money was Donkey Konging her. Yeah. She found a Christian dude. Yeah. And he broke, but he swole, but he loved God, so it's cool.

I get all that being what it is. I love that movie, by the way, the one we're talking about where that happens. I forget what it's called. With Jemima Moore? Yeah, yeah. Diary of a Mad Black Woman. It's so fucking awesome when she gets age. It's like, holy shit, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life, dude. I get that. I just be like, bro, my grandmama liked it. And other grandmamas liked it. And these people go to work.

wear every day. What's nice about it is when like a black grandmother is ignorant, it's like there's some artistry behind it. It's not just watching Fox News. It's like there's a whole movie about how gay people will give you AIDS. You know what I mean? There's like, you know, it's really, it's fun. Nobody will ever affirm our grandmother's...

anywhere like they just have lived their lives completely unaffirmed so everything is just a beautiful invention from their heads and their hearts you know what I mean you just have to make it up because everybody is gonna call you crazy and not acknowledge your fucking existence so it's like well shit yeah

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Mike Tirico here with some of the 2024 Team USA athletes. What's your message for the team of tomorrow? To young athletes, never forget why you started doing it in the first place. You have to pursue something that you're passionate about. Win, lose, or draw, I'm always going to be the one having a smile on my face. Finding joy in why you do it keeps you doing it.

Be authentic, be you, and have fun. Joy is powering Team USA during the Olympic and Paralympic Games. Comcast is proud to be bringing that inspiration home for the team of tomorrow. No, and you're right, and that's the first step. You need someone like Tyler Perry to just fucking... Yeah, you're not crazy. Get shit out. Look. Look at what I made for you. You're having insane thoughts. Let me just make the most fucking ridiculous movies and sitcoms you've ever seen in your life. And he is cranking them out at Apple.

At like a 1920s pace. Yeah. Like he feels like he's just actors locked up in a big fucking warehouse. And he changes the set to like this quality. I have a barber. Like he could fucking move the walls. I have a barber in Atlanta when I was shooting down there who works on Tyler Perry's studio set sometimes. Yeah. And he said they are shooting 28 pages a day for some of the shows that they're working on. Yeah.

28 pages a day. 28 pages? And they're writing it on the fly. Bro, can you- Like literally typing the shit out and being like, say this. And then a man will say it and then they get to the next goddamn scene. That's awesome, dude. Bro, in Atlanta, where his studio is used to be an entire neighborhood. What? They changed the name-

on the exit from the neighborhood to Tyler Perry's studio. It's a cult. And look, man, the stuff is crazy. The wind being on backwards. Somebody lost their leg because of us.

Jews, I don't know, some crazy stupid like that. Oh, I'd love to get Tyler Perry's take on Israel. Now that one, he ain't going to support the grandmas. He don't really turn on the grandmas when it comes to the Israel stuff. It be stuff like that. But, bro, these folks go to work every day and they watch the silly stuff and they go to bed. Yeah. No, you're right. No harm, no foul. I'm fully with you. I'm on board. And that is like the best thing.

When you get down to the best art or even the most prolific art, it's like just someone so clearly not trying to deal with themselves. Yeah. Tyler Perry just does not want to actually look inward for one second. No, that's scary in there. Not for one second. Come on, man. It's like, why did John Travolta love being in the woman's fat suit for that shitty fucking... The Baltimore movie, what was it called? The John Waters movie they remade? Yeah.

Babyface? No, dude. Oh, is this the, where he was a mob boss or whatever? No, no, I can't believe I'm fucking blanking on it. It's like a fucking classic Baltimore. Ricky Lake is in it. It's the dancing movie. It's John Waters. Oh, for Hairspray. Hairspray. They remake Hairspray and John Travolta, fresh off the scandal where he tried to, where he opened his asshole up for a masseuse, a male masseuse.

He's talking about how he feels the most comfortable he's ever felt in his life. Yeah. Playing a woman in a fat suit. It's like, all right, John. Come on, John. You said, like, all the Scientology hide your gayness training didn't tell you to let, keep that one inside. Yeah, it doesn't have to be a hot mouth thought. You know what I mean? Like, you know, it's like, and Tyler Perry's like,

What a coincidence. Yeah. Your trademark character is, but it's like, yeah, let him run for it. He's running so fast away from some realities that he's just has to shoot 28 pages a day. My only issue, and I don't disagree with what y'all are saying, but my only issue is I do think there should be a

cap. And I think it's the issue with capitalism in its, in its, no, that's like, no, run your scam. A hundred percent. All of that. You, these people absolutely need to be affirmed. No one should take that from you. You shouldn't get a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's taken up a lot of the oxygen of like being able to like, like we can't maybe get somebody else to do a take. Yeah.

Someone else take a pass at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Is he the best Madea? Oh, yeah. You're good. You're pro Madea. You think it should be like Batman, whereas if we're getting you Madea, you're like the Joker where every prestige actress...

and see what that's like. Oh, that's a great idea. Come on. We just changed my opinion, bro. Yeah. I agree. It should be a cap. Yeah. Because after a while, after a while, it is enough of... I do think...

My people have seen enough of that. I agree. I agree. I already need it on everything else. Your grandma still has the tapes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got the original. She's got the original. We all need a little Pepsi every once in a while to feel something, but you don't got to do that every day. I get it.

I always made an argument because it's like nobody say this type of stuff about Jersey Shore. You get what I'm saying? That type of stuff. But here's the thing. It's a bunch of trash TV. But the thing is, Italians get a... There's also Martin Scorsese. Yeah. You know what I mean? And like, I do feel like Tyler Perry definitely takes up a lot of the like... Absolutely. When execs are looking at it, they're like, well, I mean, there's...

There's this much black shit. We don't need more black shit. You know what I mean? And that's where the cap comes in. A hundred percent. It's too much power. Let's walk it back a little bit. Absolutely. You're right. This is great. Well, we got to the bottom of Madea. Finally. Hell, this is about time for us to do some calls. Yeah. We're at about 45 right now. Wow, boys. This is so fun. I mean, definitely...

Lang's been on Comeback, dude. If you're ever in New York, hit me up. Do another episode. Absolutely. Because I'd love to get more into Atlanta and growing up as a fat nerd in Atlanta. Tough, bro. Absolutely. Tough. Because Baltimore...

You know, I grew up, my high school was all black. It was like 85% black. So I know the plight of the fat black nerd. Cause it was, as the white fat guy, you could always kind of like just be the coolest white guy. That's all you had to do in a black high school as a white person is just be the coolest white guy. And you were so set, you know, cause everybody likes the one cool white guy, the funny white, the one, the one who like can make fun of other people.

But boy, must have been tough for being an anime fan. Absolutely. Can I say something though? At my school, we only had one white dude. And I'm going to be honest with you. It was beating the mess out there, bro. It can't be one. One is too few. I'm going to say something wild, bro. I'm going to say something wild that I might regret, bro.

That cat didn't grow up racist. He hated himself. They was getting the mess out of that boy. I mean, I just think back on it. He didn't say nothing. He just looked crazy. They was talking crazy. He would say, shit up. They said, what? He probably got that head shaved. Wearing that leather jacket.

It's so funny. Objectively, it's so funny to be racist every single day to the same person. I got bullied too, but I was happy when he pulled it up, bro.

It's one thing to be racist to a bunch of people, a brand new group. It's one guy over and over again. Just the same dude. Just beat the shit out of him because he's white. That's fucking cool. That's tough. He probably was a loser too, though, or what? I'm going to be honest with you, bro. They was beating on the man. Yeah. I mean. He never had a chance. He eventually left the school. And I'm like, ah.

Honestly, bro, his mom was a little late on it. It's also much stand-up for yourself. You know what I'm saying? I feel like if it's old school versus you, you got to transfer the key.

They don't listen to me learn. The Billy's one. Go home. Yeah, absolutely. It is not a fucking Disney movie. Oh, fuck. All right. Let's play. Let's play. Anything you guys want to plug, by the way, at the halfway point here, fellas? Anything you want to say? I don't got that. You're good? Yeah. Listen to My Mama Told Me. It's a podcast with me and David Boren. That's right. We talk shit. All right, let's see what we got.

Hey, Stavros, my sexy little stinky man. What? I just, you know, I have an issue, I guess, where like many men who call into the show, their bitch of a partner just doesn't give them any cooter or any pussy. Whoa. No, that's like, I'm not trying to be funny. I genuinely think that like, well, it's obviously a common theme on this show. It gives some really good critical advice. Our

I already know you're going to say something very critical of myself. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, I'm doing something wrong. Vibes alone. It's not always the case. I think there's a lot of guys out here who might be in a different scenario than myself, but I –

think that it might be okay to cheat on your partner if they're just 100 they've become like asexual and my question is do you agree that that's okay if you're getting no pussy uh for context it's been two years since i've had sex god damn and it's like actually

Truly ruining my fucking life. Like, I just drink all the time. Pause this. Pause this. I've got all this resentment towards this bitch now. Okay. Oh, man. You're not in a relationship anymore. Like, you're not... I wouldn't even call it cheating. You're a coward who won't... Anyway, let's finish this, because this is insane. Two years... And by the way, yes, your vibes are so off. He came in so wild. Truly off. And look, I get that.

I can't even imagine being an incel while having to do boyfriend shit. Uh,

Imagine having to do chores. It's like at least incels get the game all day. Incels don't ever have to go to the farmer's market against their will. They're debating over insurance and still not getting pussy. That's a nightmare. Anyway, before I fully flame this guy, let's hear out the rest of his call, I guess. I'm in a situation where I can't break up with him. I can't go into details on that, but I just can't do it. Then we can't answer your question.

Yeah, man. I don't know. Pause it again. I'm in a situation. She has a hard drive of child pornography that I downloaded. So I have to stay in a relationship with her. I mean, what do you mean you can't break up with her? Yeah, that's the part I want to know. Yeah, you can't just not say. You can't be one of the worst comedians.

I've ever spoken to in 90 seconds and then be like, but I can't tell you everything. I was about to say, he called with a familiarity as if every dude that calls this show speaks like this. And I couldn't tell if I got lucky on my last episode or if this is just a nightmare caller. This guy's brutal. Okay. Because when I listened, I said, okay, maybe I don't know the fan base. That's not the culture. But I think my little stinky man, stinky man,

will make me block you. No, yeah, this guy's brutal for sure. And again, an error in producing, nothing we're not used to here at Stop It World. Stop it.

Elders will do this all the time where he'll let the wrong people through. But go ahead. Let's finish it. Beautiful guest and yourself, my little prince. But honestly, there has to be a point in which if you've spoken about it, which I have, if you've tried to improve things that your partner told you would change,

sort of improve this aspect and you have like you hit a point where sometimes in my opinion it's all right to cheat um which i've not done yet i'm not why do you say it like a psa your opinion was on that uh thank you my sweet baby boy and uh thanks all right yes

Bye. He's not... The thing that he can't tell us why they can't break up is insane. Because what every piece of information we have...

is that he just has a person he's had a falling out with. This is not a girlfriend. You're not dating someone if you haven't fucked in two years. Now, I would love it, and it would show the character of this guy if the reason he can't break up with her is like, by the way, she's got terminal cancer. Or something like that. She's got some kind of disease. But it's like, dude...

Off of what you've told us, breaking up is not an option is a fucking insane thing to say. Yeah. You hate her. You fucking don't. She doesn't like you. She's not trying to fuck you. You know, there's something going on. And yes, you're right. My hunch is you're absolutely adding to this situation just because you have that pent up whorehouse.

horrible, like I said, incel energy plus the resentment of being in a relationship that's a really bad combo. Can I say what I genuinely think he's calling about? Yeah, please. He wants to kill her. Ha ha!

I genuinely believe he wants to kill that lady. But it's like... And I think he cannot bring himself to say that. Right, so he said cheat. So he said, I want to know if you think it's okay for me to cheat on her so that he can start to justify... Yeah, it's the beginning. He's beginning the train of wanting to murder a human being who will not give him pussy. We're not on... You cannot do that. Let me be clear. We are staunchly against that. But...

And yeah, dude, it's like, I just don't, the, the, the, just like hatred in this guy's voice when he talks about his partner. I'm more concerned about the lady. I want him to break up so he can be away from her. Absolutely. Well, he hates this lady. He hates her guts. You clearly hate her. And, and what it, a group that's two people that aren't having sex and one is cheating on the other.

How, in what world is that a relationship? Like, what do you mean you can't break up? I mean, really, what do you, it's just like, this is a horrible call. This is, Eldis, you really blew it. This guy sucks. He didn't give us enough information. And I'm scared for this lady. Puts me in a bad mood. I mean, really, 0 for 7 in many ways.

And so, yeah, dude, I don't know. I don't know. We really can't give you the information. You're coming in a little too hot. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're not this much of a piece of shit that you were trying to be funny and then self-consciously pretended you weren't afterwards. But at the same time, there is just something so...

so dark and sinister in your voice. Can I give him some advice? Yeah. Go down, so, like the meat pill Uber driver said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cheap models. He goes to the cheap models down in Hollywood. I was like, I don't want him near that. No, no, no. Don't even. No, no, no. Nice girls. Don't put it. I take that back. I absolutely take that back. Yeah. I think you need to, uh,

Get on that lithium. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You need something. And look. Prozac. There probably is better advice to give you, but you cannot...

Tell us, say, give us that call and not say, I can't tell you why we can't break up. What the fuck do you think this means? What do you think? What kind of show do you think this is that we just will guess? You think we're just going to be like, oh, okay, man. I'll take your word for it. Oh, you can't do the clear solution, which is get out of this relationship. Then yeah, cheat, bro. Cheat. This guy I don't know or like.

So, yeah. He was trying to butter you up, too, with the other life. Towards the end. Yeah. Yeah, because he remembered he was asking for something. Yeah, absolutely. He was asking for... So, can I kill this baby? Stavi, please. Yeah. All right. So, like I said, Eldest, please keep this in mind. Don't ever let something like that slip. The next call is him calling again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

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What do we got, Eld?

Peace, Tavi. Love everything you're doing. I have a different question for you that I've known to ask about. So I was seeing this guy for like two months and it was the best sex of my life. He knows my pussy as a park. I love that phrase that you said. Respect. Anyways, he is like extremely emotionally unavailable and he ghosted me like a week or so ago. But anyways, his son who's like 13 and I were like,

kind of close like even though I would only see him like once a week he would really confide in me a lot and you know his dad would like kind of ignore me when he wasn't fucking me when I would come over and so I would just hang out with his son and anyways since he ghosted me obviously I haven't

No, keep going. I mean, this is so fucked up, but I just have to do the whole thing. That's like a fucking, like, that's like an indie movie plot, dude. That's like some fucking... It's Titor and Tyler Perry. Yeah. We were talking about that, dude. This feels like white Tyler Perry. I've never...

Yeah. Go ahead. Ignore me when he wasn't fucking me when I would come over. And so I would just hang out with his son. And anyways, since he ghosted me, obviously I haven't seen or spoken to his son in like two weeks. So I don't know like what to do because he's

like one thing that he shared with me a lot about was that like his mom had abandoned him and that like she never texted him or like called like even for birthdays or holidays and I'm just like Should I text him and like just tell him like what happened like that his dad didn't want to see me anymore but like I'm still Be there for him because like I just don't want him to think like oh another bitch like goes to me too Just another woman who abandoned me and isn't there for me. So

I don't know. Like, I mean, at 13, he's kind of his own person, but he's kind of like a young 13. He's a fucking child. He's not his own person. And I just really care about him, but I don't know if it's inappropriate. And also his dad, I think, checks his phone. So I don't know. Should I like text him and be like, hey, I didn't abandon you and I still want to hear from you? Or no, you can't do that. His dad is going to have to do it.

I'm a little confused. Are you a therapist? Why would they sue me? Oh,

Elvis really didn't do you any favor. He got in quick with some wild ones. Let me, as somebody who's had a lot of step parents, let me be clear with this young lady and anybody else who is worried about this. Yeah. That child is not counting on you. No. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely not. There's no bond you built. No. Absolutely not. That is going to make him need you after this moment. Yeah. You weren't together long enough. No.

He's seen a million yous. Yeah, that's the key right there, is you are so not special here, and you're not changing shit, and it sucks. No. It sucks to, like—

The fact that this guy let you interact with his son, this guy's a fucking lunatic. Yeah. This guy, he fucked you and then you played Xbox with his kid while he was... You'd be a wild. What the fuck? What do you mean you would hang out with his son if you fucked and he would ignore you and then you would hang out with his son? You mean nothing to him. And he told the boy that...

Can I give it a buck too? I think a part of this too is she really wanted to talk to the dude, but she acted like the relationship with the kids.

Well, there's a little... Look, I think probably this caller is a sweet person who doesn't get these situations, right? Doesn't understand this. Can't fathom treating a child this way. Can't fathom this shit. And does have good intentions because clearly this kid is fucked and his relationship with women is going to be fucked. Sure. The problem is...

You will not change it. You will not change it for the better. You will not change it. The only way you change it for the worse is if you do something very weird that we're not even going to say. Right? Like, don't get more attached to this guy. Yeah. It sucks. I get it. It sucks. But all this is, is this is like when the car right in front of you gets into a fatal car crash.

You didn't die. You saw it. You smelled it. But that ain't you. You got to get the fuck out of there. That's nothing. And you say, should I go in? No, because you're going to also burn up. You can't. Let the fucking first responders take care of that. Let this kid's therapist, when he moves to Brooklyn, take care of this. Because it's not going to be you. And I'm sorry that his dad's kind of a piece of shit. You seem like you have your own issues.

of, I'm going to guess, trying to fucking fix people. You know, you're probably too...

You're probably too into guys like this, completely emotionally unavailable guys. And I think to Mandel's point, you also probably are very much wanting that dad back more than you are being hero for the son. There's definitely a piece of this. And we don't know what the percentages are. If she's a great person, it's 99 to 1%. If she's a piece of shit, which I don't think she is, it's the like – there's definitely insane women.

Like, she's not insane because she's not already texting the kid. There's definitely a real dumb bitch move is to be like, oh, hey, I care about you so much. I worry about you. I just want you to know things with me and your dad didn't work out. He knows. He knows because there's a different 27-year-old that is fucking on his Ikea futon that he sleeps on. How long did she say that they was together? Two months. Two months?

Two months? Nah, nah. Oh, I missed that. That's fucking crazy. I honestly was putting in, like, I missed two months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's, yeah, two months. No, he doesn't give a fuck about you, lady. Everything we just said, times it, times four. Yeah, yeah. From two months. But you're a sweet girl. And by the way, this guy must be good at, like...

laying pipe. Yeah. Because that's what she said. Bad sex, she said. He's knocking her pussy out of the park. That's what gets you fucking thinking this goofy. He'd fuck her and send her to the living room with his son. To play Roblox. Insane. He's like, all right, I got some fucking shit. Why don't you head on out, but don't go nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, God damn. Give me 30 seconds to get, let me, once the refractory period is up, I'll come get you. And then you leave.

Well, prayers to this young lady, man. Get down to that Prozac. Let's get these people on their heels, man. All right, Eldest. Anything else? Maybe somebody's fucking parent just committed suicide. Something light you want to fucking drop on us or something? Hey, Shavi. Hey, Eldest. Hey, esteemed guest. I'm going to try and be as quick as I can because you might hear my kids in the background. But listen, you know, we all inadvertently see our parents

parents nude at some point during our childhood. There were a couple times where I saw my dad nude and I just thought, what, no, you know, I try, honestly, not to think about it much, but there was like no dick or ball that I could see. And then throughout my childhood, he kind of made offhand comments about having a small wiener. And

Wow.

And I can go on and on. When I was younger, uh, they told me a story about how he fell off a dock onto a boat or something. And he had broken ribs and he came back with scars on his chest and he was in the recliner for months and months. Uh, uh,

What the fuck?

But it raises the question, why don't they want to talk about it? And is my dad, like, who, if he's a biological woman, and I know my mother is a biological woman, that raises the question for me, who's my dad? And

And maybe that's why they're trying to hide the subject from me altogether. He's a very convincing trans man. He's like 70. He's not going to live forever, you know. I just kind of want to get to the bottom of it, but I'm like nervous to bring it up. And I kind of don't even want to, but I also want to know like why he didn't want me to know. And I also kind of equally want to know

Yeah, of course. Eldish, another joke. I mean, you're 0 for 3, bro. Okay.

I mean, this is a good question, but like off the heels of two wild ones, you just fucking up the stakes again. It's insane, dude. Yeah, this is insane. Bro, that was irresponsible. Hey, this idea is, I don't know, man. Because I'm like, hey, bro, it's so many people involved with this. Yeah.

Who's going to see this? Yeah. Going to know his voice. Yeah, yeah. Going to know his story. Then how does he come back? They'll be like, so you went. Nah, dude. You know what the internet has to do with about? Your dad had to keep it a secret from you for all your life. Now you're in the whole world now. Nah, dude. His old ass dad can't figure fucking podcasts out. This is crazy. I mean, this is fucking crazy. That's the thing. To not, to just like...

Not know and then well, how old did he say was when he figured it out? Did he say 33 right? He is 33 now, but he said he like figured out. I don't think he specified his age. It seemed like as an adult, right? Yeah. Yeah

That's wild. I mean, first of all, shout out to his dad's team. Because, I mean, this is... He's trans, like, in the 80s and he couldn't fucking tell? Yeah, he put it on. What's that guy? What's his fucking surgeon up to now, bro? Absolutely. Give that guy the Ben Carter... Gifted hands? That man is on a yacht somewhere eating shrimp. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a complicated thing. That guy's nice with it, yeah. Well, what I'm trying to figure out is...

Is this issue like he wants to talk about it or is this issue that he wants to know who his biological father is? I think it's both. I think what he's talking about is like, hey, I'm sort of curious about where I, you know, where's my biological dad, whatever. But I think he's also like, why don't you trust me enough to talk to me about this? And I just feel like.

You know, we're both adult. We're all adults. They seem to be, he seems, I mean, I guess one weird possibility when you keep something like this secret is if your kid turns out to be

uh you know hateful you know like but like clearly this isn't what this guy is right he said he not they are non-binary and yeah oh they said they i missed that yeah i missed that it was fucking sorry bit of a rambling call no no i don't mean it to be like a correction but no no i know just like yo that's a liberal motherfucker exactly it's this yeah yeah yeah so so

Then it's like, then especially if you're non-binary and you've ostensibly talked to your parents about your own gender identity, isn't that a nice time to be like, hey, by the way, you're not alone out here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And look, the thing is, the reason your parents aren't telling you is because it's a hard conversation. They don't feel like having it. I mean, that's really my, I mean, I don't know that, but that's my hunch is

Now, it is your right to ask these questions. You're their fucking kid. That is on them. I mean, they can handle however they want, but you also have absolutely the right to be like, and what the fuck's going on? And not even so much about the trans thing, which is that's between you and your dad, I guess, but the adopted or potentially adopted or your mom was with somebody else or was it a donor? Like, there's just...

There's so many questions that you just would like to know, and I don't know. And the caller said, this is my dad. That's who my dad is, but I'm interested in who, where I just come from. That's totally, and we've talked, this has come up a little bit on the show. That's a personal decision. Some people want to know. Some people don't give a fuck. If you want to know, you deserve to know, I think. Yeah. And so, you know, what to do about it? You just kind of have to press your parents on it, if you want to know. Yeah.

Which sucks. I mean, at least the, at least the like, where do I come from aspect is,

And just like, why don't you guys, why don't you guys telling me about this? Yeah. And I think, I think they probably are taking some pride in, in like not wanting to hurt their parents and shit. Sure. It's like, well, I, I, I want them to be okay. I want that. Like, you're obviously a kind person in that sense, but that's not a, an, an unkind thing to ask. Totally.

Totally not. It's a very reasonable thing to be asking is like, hey, I understand what you got going on. Yeah. So I need more information about me and my life beyond what you have going on. And that's OK. And I think nothing's wrong with nothing's wrong with, you know, advocating for their self in this situation. Yeah. Because I'm like, I do think that if you if you're like, hey, I want to know exactly where I come from. Yeah. That doesn't mean that you're wrong.

trying to hurt them. You get what I'm saying? Exactly. And that's the thing. If your parents take this the wrong way, they're being dickheads. Yeah. You're in the right. That's the thing I want to stress here. And your parents sound cool. And I'm sure for your dad, it's obviously a very personal thing. But hey, when you have kids, you fucking, you kind of

You owe it to them to kind of explain a lot of shit to them. And keep explaining shit. You don't get to just stop explaining shit because I, like, finished growing up. Like, no, you got some explaining to do all the way to the end of this motherfucker. Totally, totally. You're not some stranger who came across the information that...

Let's say they work with your dad and they're like, hey, Gary, you used to be a chick. Like, that's... You're his fucking son. So you can ask like...

Whoa, like if my dad was, you know, if your parent had any kind of like wild story about themselves, some past life, if you're fucking, if your mom was a circus acrobat and she never told you. I should know. You know what I mean? Like if like just something and I know, you know, I know it's not transitioning gender isn't that crazy, but it's kind of crazy to never tell your fucking kid. Yeah. Or at least like as an adult.

You know, handle it as when they're little, whatever you want. But it's like grown non-binary child who's probably had a gender discussion with you. It is a little weird. And if you want to know, you know, so it's up to you. You got to just kind of barge in the way you would with any kind of family secret, which is going to be uncomfortable. It's like it's going to—they don't want—they haven't told you because they don't want to. Right. But it's your right to do it. And, you know—

Yeah, don't wait it out. He's 70. He ain't got much longer. You got to get this question asked. Who knows what that surgeon was up to to make him look that good? I don't know what chemicals are coursing through your dad. I'm going to take all the fat from your heart and put it in your ass. America's first BBS. No, you're right, though. It is their right, though. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Mr. Cheeks, good to see you. Benny Butt Cheeks checking in, everyone. All right. Play something. Let's see, Eldest. Hey, yo, stop what it is. Eldest, how's it going? What the fuck? Hello, guests. So I'm almost 40 years old, and I have a job where I'm slinging some sweet, sweet treats over a counter here in a small town. Okay. And...

I don't have ginormous state drooper cans or anything. I don't know. I feel like I'm okay, but I'm not some hot young piece of ass. Okay. Whatever. It's fine. But at my job, I work for tips. So if you were to tell an elderly millennial the best way to get good tips while selling

Well,

Well, we need a safety net in this country. I mean, this is fun. The problem is that you're 40 and you sell fucking burritos. How can I slightly objectify myself to make a living in America, in the richest country in the history of the world? How do I show my tits a little bit so that I have a roof over my head? I mean, this is fucked up. We need continuing education. That's all dismal, bro. Yeah.

That was some dystopian, like... I know. I do like how they all try to talk like he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's clearly trying to keep it light and fun here. She said, look, let's be clear, my tits suck. Yeah, I'm not that hot. Trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cannot sell pussy just off of the quality of the appearance of the pussy. I don't know. How about be good at your job?

Did he get good tips in the service industry? Remember orders. Learn to socialize, perhaps. Sweet smile. Nah, man. Go get that cybersecurity certificate. The cybersecurity certificate. My homeboy, he went and got that. He made six figures in two years. Cybersecurity certificate. There you go. Network Plus, I think that's what it's called. Yeah.

That's what gets you right. That's a good idea. So, yeah, I mean, this is really tough stuff. But, you know, construction workers...

Since when are they the most picky guy? Like, it's the other thing. But that's what I mean. She's really telling us what she cannot do and it's sell ass. Right, right. In a way that makes it feel like, well, then we can't help you. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Right, right, right. It's everything else because you're presenting everything else. Right. You're saying like, look, I am giving my personality. Yeah, I see, I see, I see. I've done everything else and I can't sell ass, so what can I do? And it's like, well, I don't...

Has she though? Because I think she's a little in her head. So what I'm hearing is someone who doesn't believe in herself. And what I'm saying is these are fucking construction workers.

You know what I mean? We've got a 4'10 Guatemalan guy who would kill for a smile from a five. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I'm saying. It's like, don't sell yourself short. Maybe, you know, this sounds like to me, not only, it is dystopian in many ways, because it's also, I think, like,

You know, what do you think construction... How hot do you think it has to be to be objectified by construction? But also, too, I think there's other ways to get tips, too. Yeah, there is. I think, like, she could just be really nice...

or she could wear a t-shirt that said, hey man, my kid's going hungry. My back is against the wall. Free hash brown. Throw in a free hash brown. Yeah. You know what I mean? Steal from your employer and try and launder it into tips. There it is. You know what I mean? Like giving away something free, you're going to get tips. Yeah. And then, you know, the thing they do in like coffee shops where it's like, you know,

you know, like right now they might have something like tip. I mean, not anymore, but tip, if you think Kendrick Lamar or Drake want, you know, when they do like this or that now it is construction workers. Yeah. They're not, so you're going to have to do something like, uh, you know, do you like the punisher flag or do you like a blue lives matter bumper sticker? Like which, which blue lives matter, uh,

You know merch do you like you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly something like that Yeah, so but that you know, I also think she needs to believe in herself a little bit She seems a little self-conscious. Yeah, and I think it's not you show you show off those freckled saggy tits. I think you'll be fine Funny yeah, what do you think stuff?

One more? Yeah, yeah, for sure. This is more of an update. Okay. Oh, no. Hi, Bob, Elvis, Gus. Um...

So I'm one of the mentally ill women who listens to your podcast regularly. And I also have a broken pussy. But I would like to report that the advice that you gave, not to me, this is not an update, but a bit of advice you gave works. So I have type 1 herpes. And I hooked up with somebody last night and

And I tried your technique because I've been nervous about this for a while and I've never had to tell anyone before because I got it my last situation trip. And

We were hooking up and I waited until sex was imminent. Smart. To tell him. That's what I tell people with herpes. That I have them. Women with herpes. And you were right. It didn't stop him at all. So to other women out there, if you have herpes and you wait until sex is imminent to tell them,

you'll probably still get wigs. That's what I'm saying. Whoa. Yeah. Thanks, dog. I really needed that advice. I really like that she turned it out to the broader audience at home. Absolutely. That's what the show is here for. Because I hooked up with a girl who told me she had herpes, but she's on medicine, whatever. I was going to use a condom anyway. It's like...

Okay. And like, you know, mom, my dick is already hard. We've been, I've felt the titty. I'm not, not fucking. And so I've just put myself in everyone's shoes. It's like, look, tell me if you have the steel willpower to,

If you really, really fear herpes that much that you can say no to pussy with a hard dick, dang, more power to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that's when you tell someone because that's when they need to know. You know? That's really when they need to know. And then let them make their own choice. They have the choice, but they don't have to have the choice the moment that you meet. Because somebody else... They can have the choice further down the line. A different girl I hooked up with didn't tell me the first time we fucked. And I'm good. I've passed, you know. That's crazy.

And by the way, she was hot as shit. She was a freak. I liked her. If she had told me, I wouldn't give a fuck. But she told me after and I was just like, I hated that move. So I was like, I can't fuck with you anymore. Whereas the other girl, even though I didn't hook up with her, I only hooked up with her once, but it was still like she told me. And I was like, yeah, I didn't give a fuck at all. So congrats to this lady. Type one, is that the good one? Isn't one not really herpes? Yeah.

Anybody know if she has it on her pussy? I mean That's right. Dr. Eld is checking in One more pussy oriented and one's like just says that Ben hop on the mic dude. Go ahead. I

I know a lot about herpes. I've done my research. It was generally that herpes 2 was considered the vaginal one. Herpes 1 was the cold sores on your mouth. But these days, it's all up in the air. It could be either of them anywhere. Interesting. But it's also like 1 in 4 people have it or 1 in 3 people have herpes. What? Yeah, and that's why they don't really like you to test for it or even suggest that you blood test because so many people have it and it freaks everyone out. It's way over stigmatized. Anyway, that's all. Do you have it?

All right. Benny Buttcheeks coming in at the end here for the Benny Buttcheeks herpes update. All right. Well, listen, Eldest, really pretty much a horrible episode on your part. You really bummed this out. This was fun. This was my hand in the air.

You really bummed us out. You did three that should, we had three calls that should have been like, you know what I mean? Like the heavy one of the episode, but you hit us three over the head. You beat the shit out of us. Yeah, we went straight from Madea into all this bullshit. But, you know, we ended on a positive note. Our friend got her pussy smacked around a little bit, even though it is herpes ridden. And that's what we like around here. We like our friends to get fucked.

So thank you guys. Thanks. It was such a fun episode. It was so funny. Hell yeah. Come back anytime and thank you guys for listening and we will see you next time. And we were about to do a Kush Brothers with Bunny Buttcheeks. We're having a good time. So we'll talk to you guys soon. Bye bye. Yeah, please.

I apologize for any crazy thing I said. I said a lot of crazy stuff on this episode. No, no, no. You did great, buddy. Thank y'all, bro. Thank you for having me, bro. All right. Play a side, Elders.