#89 - Brendan Sagalow and Mike Recine 01:58:55

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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have a beautiful returning, a stacked couch of Stavi's World favorites. Brendan Sagalow. What's up? Breathing fresh, non-Patreon air for the first time in a Stavi's final. In a Stavi's World career. Got me out of the cage. He's got him out of his cage and he's doing just fine, folks. Ha ha ha!

And of course, Mike Racine.

Thanks. How's it going, buddy? Good to be here. Good to see you. The boys got their feet out. Sagal was freaking out ahead of, before. We had a lot of rich pre-pod discussion. A lot of, you felt vulnerable without shoes on. Yeah, I don't, I just don't, I saw a fucking tweet and it got in my head. And I like that you're like, fuck her, fuck that. But I just saw literally a tweet from this show. Someone like took a picture of you. Yeah, yeah. And was like, can we, can these fucking male podcasters please put their fucking shoes on? What do you think of this, you fucking whore? You whore.

Suck my nuts. Why are women telling us how to podcast? I know. Hey, do we fucking... I don't have any macrame opinions, do I? Why don't women got their tits out when they're knitting anymore? I'm trying to look at tits while you knit, bitch.

Yeah. Look, you can't have both. You can't have that hack tweet that's like, four men in a room, what's that called? A podcast? Yeah. Or whatever that one was. And also tell me how to keep my feet on my podcast. Right, I know. That's like telling an Italian guy how to eat out his mother. Yeah.

Every time I find myself getting mad at like, like women being like men, blah, blah, blah. I'm just proving them right. Yeah. I'll get mad at them and I'll be like, hey, fuck you, bitch. What we're talking about. I don't know, man. It's got to be case by case.

And I got my toes out, and if you don't like it, slurp the sausage, as far as I'm concerned. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, we were thinking we might go no socks. Oh, good. Please do. Whenever you guys feel like it, feel free to take your socks off. I've got my orthotic flip. I've got the kind of... I've literally prescribed...

This is how fat I've gotten Is that my podiatrist was like Never walk around barefoot He was like He like looked at me in the eyes And was like You can tell when someone's like I'm not fucking around anymore It was like There was like a It caught it You know I can hear something Catch in his throat And he was like Your doctor is like When in those apocalyptic movies The one scientist that's like Guys it's coming It's coming now And I was like shut up Yeah Dude he was literally Cause I have you know My feet are fucked up But he was like

You can never walk barefoot again in your life, basically. That was essentially what he said. So I got these recovery, this recovery footwear. We won't say the brand unless they want to pony up, all right? And I did bring a lot of attention to my feet, so let's show them this clip, you know?

That's like, if you can keep this man with feet this fat and flat, these ribeyes, if you can keep him from a catastrophic foot injury, you know you got a good product. Yeah, you're on a health kick, though, dude. I'm trying, dude. You got the fucking suction stuff. I did. I did a little cupping. Yep, yep, yep. Nice. Feels good. Salmon and rice. Eating salmon and rice, trying to keep the reaper off my back. That's all. I was telling Brendan how I was like, dude, I'm trying to take some time off. I'm trying to get in the zone. He was like, dude, you got to go to Disney World. That was...

By yourself? Not by yourself. That's the fucking stupid part of the idea. Take your life.

You know, I won't stand for this slander of Disney World. This fucking white trash makes Disney World as relaxing. I don't know. Who's he going to go to Disney World with? I don't know. Get a family. I don't know. I have no idea. That's not my job. Who would you go to Disney World with? You go to Home Depot to find guys to go to Disney World with? I'd bring all three of your moms. Well, Eldest's mom is dead. How do you feel about that? Great. Yeah. Great. I'll just be holding the urn.

On Splash Mountain. She never got to go. Disney World's fucking rules. I know everybody, you know, it's only, but I'm not saying go every year. Go once. You know, go. When's the last time you've been there? You've been to Disney World. A couple years ago. A couple years ago. What did you go with? Yeah, with my dad and my sister. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was fucking sweet. Your mom didn't go?

No, we left her at the airport. We left her at the New York airport. It looks like they're out of the wheelchairs for fat people.

Mom, I don't think you're coming to Disney World. They brought you four in a row. You can't break it. You want to talk about your own mom? Three. You want to talk about my mom, motherfucker? I don't care. I don't care about my mom. Your words can't hurt me. Fuck my mom. No, but Disney World is sweet. And as soon as I... When my nickel comes out... You know what else is sweet? Getting to sit in a wheelchair because you're too fat.

I would love that. Yeah. You're not fat enough, though. None of us are fat enough to be pushed around in a wheelchair. Well, I hurt my foot, and I did get pushed around. Do you see that happening at some point? Yeah. I never want to get that fat. No, no. You could be like a jazzy scooter guy. That could be fun. You go to Home Depot. Yeah, yeah. That I would be interested in. A little power. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to be like left in the shade fat. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put some in the shade. Yeah.

Go have fun. Leave me in the shade. Getting pushed around in the sun is too taxing for me. I need a little break under this tree from sitting fatly in a chair. I need a breeze to cool me down. Being a completely passive participant in my transportation is too much for me right now. Yeah, you push once and you're like, ah. Yeah.

Now, what did you do? Because I would imagine going to Disney World as an adult is like underwhelming. You go, oh, this is for kids. It's still fun. It's fucking sweet, dude. It's awesome. Come on, man.

I can't, I mean, unless you go, I really can't explain. No, it's not that you have to be there. Yes, it is. There is no intangible magic to Disney World. I feel pain for you guys because you're not going to know. You really go to Rhode Island and like look at a sunset? No, I would go to, where are you going to go? I'd go to Greece. Yeah. The most beautiful beaches in the world.

I'd have like fresh seafood brought like right go to the fucking restaurant right by there take a nice walk in the sand see the majesty of nature you ever been to Epcot though I'd go to London go to Chipotle yeah

In Epcot, you can hit all those places at once. It's so funny that this is so... I do like Epcot. I like the country. Oh, here we go. This is how it goes. It's just like, it's insane that you would be like, that's what the pinnacle of a vacation is to you, is Disney World. I can't think of anything better. What was the best thing? That means you have no taste or class. I know. I mean...

That doesn't mean Disney World's good. It means that's the one positive childhood memory you have and you're running it back. As soon as my nickel comes in, I'm going to medieval times. What was the best character that you met? Fucking Cinderella is pretty hot. He didn't get to see Donald Duck. He's like crying on the plane home. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw Donald Duck but I didn't see Steamboat Donald Duck. Yeah. It's a specific Donald Duck. That sucks. No, but Cinderella, all like the chicks that dress up and they like, and they stay in character too so if you're into like role play and shit, you're like, these guys are good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I could just picture you. Yeah, I'm sure they love talking to you. They're like, what are you up to later, Cinderella? And she has to do the math of how rude she can be to you and keep her job. at midnight, my car turns into a pumpkin. Yeah.

So where does the staff hang out after they've done work? Yeah, what time do you get off? Yeah, what time do you get off? No, really, really. I'm like being aggressive with them. I'm like, okay, cut the shit. And then you have to act special needs to get them to keep talking to you? Or hug me. They have a rule. They have a rule where they can't. They can't break the hug. They can't break the hug. I saw a TikTok of my baby. But that's got to be for children, right? No, no, no, no. There's no way it's for a

There's no way they'll... I mean, you think it's four children? All right, Brendan, get away from Gaston. Gaston's got other people to hug. He brought his own costume to be Gaston's gay little friend. His name is LeFou, you plebeians.

My God. That's the guy's name. His name is LeFou. Get it right. Yeah, it's awesome because you also think Disney movies are culture too. That's so good. Well, that one did take place in France. Deb's sister did that. She went to Disney World with her friend and they dressed up as Ilsa and Anna from Frozen. Oh, wow. And all the kids were like coming up to them. But you're not allowed to do that anymore. Oh, you're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to be a bitch from Staten Island. Yeah.

Well, of course, because think about, I mean, that's child molester 101. Dressed like fucking, dressed like the prince at Disney World and like kids come up to you. Oh, yeah. You could picture a bunch of pedophiles sitting around being like, if we just get costumes and we go to Disney World, we can touch all the kids we want. Dressed up like Prince Eric and Brendan's like, oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Sackalo keeps ruining their plans because he won't let the male Disney guys go. Like, beat it. We're trying to fuck kids, you fat piece of shit. Yeah, you're gonna see a video of me on Worldstar of the person being like, get off! I love you, Snow White!

When was your first trip to Disney? Me and my family used to go all the time. Interesting. When my dad was caking it. That's it. So this runs in the family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the only thing that our family does that runs. Yeah, very nice. Very nice, dude. That could be your second round joke in a roast battle in 2014. Yeah.

I heard that exact joke when people are doing filler. Remember they would make us do three rounds of roasts? There's not three rounds worth of roasts about each other, man. We're all open micers. Why are you making us do this for check spots? It was so humiliating. Everyone's like, we're all going to get on the Comedy Central show. And then they're like, put fucking people who have never done it on. I know. Whatever.

But now it's the era of podcasting, baby. Now we got our toes out and we're podcasting. It's beautiful. I got to say, podcasting is so much better than writing. Yeah.

Have you written anything? This is bullshit. We just hang out. It's fun when you have your friends on. It's like we're just talking about Brandon trying to get molested as a grown man. Right. And we could do this for another hour. I could talk four hours about Disney World. Because everybody ironically shits on it. No, no, no. I'm not ironically shitting on it. I am fully shitting on it. I think it's gay to love Disney. I think you're a loser. You don't love Disney? No.

Okay. All right. All right. Well, it's not the Disney way to fight, so I will passionately... That's right. I will let you feel that way.

Have you been to Disney, though? No. Dude, go fuck. There you go. There you go. No. I'll take you, bro. We'll go. We'll go. Don't go after him too hard, Brandon. Be like Simba. Yeah. I mean, I guess I would go. I guess, look, it would actually, this is the first time I've actually been interested in going. Going with your bliss. I'd love to go with you to just point out how fucking stupid everything is and ruin it for you. It would only make it better for me because, as they say, Hakuna Matata, so I wouldn't care. Yeah.

I wouldn't care. But, I mean, it's so detailed. The rides are fucking sweet. Everybody's got a goddamn smile on their face. But it's all fake versions of, like, real shit. What do you mean? When you see Captain Hook, do you, like, pretend to drop your churro? Yeah, it's interesting. Yeah, sorry, what did you say, buddy? I was saying when you see Captain Hook, do you, like, drop your churro on the ground and go, pick it up? Yeah. Yeah, I hope he looks at you. Pick it up with your good hand. No, you bend over in front of him. Oh. Because you want him to check you out. I want him to stick his hook up my ass.

It's the only way to get my male clitoris is with that hook. You have your own attachment for the hook. It's a little dildo he can fuck you with. Here you go, Cap. You're just wrestling it from him. Trying to put it on. No, it's fucking sweet, bro. Everybody that works there is like a slave. Good. That's why it's so great.

That's why the pyramids are awesome. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Why would I want to go to a real castle? So what? I guess that's true. I've seen real castles. I've gone to Ireland. I've been in a real castle. It sucks. Okay, all right. I guess you're right. You can't even have a meal there. They don't have Diet Pepsi there.

You got me there, Brandon. Yeah, you can't sit at the castle and then have like a character dressed up, come up to you and laugh and smile and hug you. Yeah, I don't know. There's something powerful about going to some ancient structure and being like, damn.

People 4,000 years ago were walking around here. That's fucking crazy. That is cool, too. I'm not taking away from anything. Okay, thank you. You're being positive. We're being negative. You're saying they should do a mix of, like, the old castle and Disney World. Yeah. You should be able to get cotton candy at Versailles. Yeah. At the Acropolis. You go, this is where they spilled hot oil on invading people. Yeah, yeah. And that's Chippendale. Yeah. The hot...

They have a hot oil. Brandon's like, what about hot oil? Is there funnel cake in the oil? Can I have some of that? I don't know, man. It just seems so... I mean, whatever. I'm not going to legitimately say why Disney sucks. It's just like a giant, you know...

And you didn't feel ripped off? That it's expensive as fuck? I didn't pay for it. Oh, I see. That's what's going on here. I mean, if I paid for it, I'd be like, fuck this place to death. But I'm like, what, $14 premium Mickey bar? Yes, please. And you went just a couple years ago, you said. Yeah.

I was in my 30s. A man in his 30s didn't pay for a damn thing at Disney World. That's fucking crazy. I'm taking as much free shit as I can get until I'm dead. That's true. I'll give you that. Brennan's dad is like, guys, we never hang out anymore. I'm really tired of pushing your mother in that wheelchair. My traps have gotten huge.

full arm extended pushing your fat mother up the hill where our house is situated. Brent's like, take me to Disney. I'm not coming to Thanksgiving unless you take me to Disney. And if you don't do it, I'm writing a rap about it. About you being a bad parent. I'll never have children. You'll never be a grandparent.

You never went to Disney, did you, Mike? When I was 10, yeah. 10, okay. Don't get me wrong. I did want to go as a kid. Have you ever been? No. You've never been? Oh, okay. So that's probably what's going on here. Oh, okay. Now you're turning on me too much. Well, it's nice. It's great when you're 10. Right. And if you have a special needs brother, you get to the front of the lines. Oh, true. That's awesome. That was pretty sweet. That must have been tough.

Yeah. Day that it, that it like worked out. Yeah. That almost meant, how many regular days is that by you think? Like 40, 50? It was like a good, probably a good year. A good year. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred days of him just, you know. Do you have to, do you actually have to be like mentally disabled or whatever? Or could I? He's getting the dossier ready for his next trip. I'm going, oh, cut the lines. My own little personal fast pass is just walking in and being like, thanks.

They're like, oh, get to the end of the line. I'm like, thank you so much. Did they make you wait in line? I'm so sorry. And they're like, there's two different lines. They have a different line for clearly poor 30-year-old men pretending to be retarded. They're like, oh, here you go. Yeah.

I walk out, I'm like, this is just Orlando. I was just in Orlando. What's that? They're like, sir, did they make you wait in line? Orlando, that's kind of a bummer. Orlando sucks. Orlando sucks ass. Yeah. It was horrible. Remember, we stayed in like a fake... Because all the hotels in Orlando are sort of Disney adjacent. So we stayed in like a...

It was so funny. It was like bootleg. It was like the Marriott Castle. And it was like medieval themed and it was so clearly like a fake Disney. They couldn't say we're Disney, but they were like... I love that shit, bro. And we tried to get a regular hotel and you just couldn't get one. They were all fucking shitty and overpriced. But yeah, Orlando sucked dick. And all the like restaurants around there are for like families that are, you know...

Everything is just kind of, you feel like you're in a giant mall. Yeah. Well, the minute you land in the airport, they're like, it's Disney fucking, it's Disney airport. Yeah. I don't know, man. There's something so off about that. It's like, it's like, okay, I get it. It's a fine experience, especially when you have kids, whatever. But it's like, do more stuff.

Yeah, I do agree with that. You know what I mean? Because the minute you, it's like Disney and like Magic Kingdom and all that stuff, like Disney proper is like, whoa, and then you get out of Orlando and you're like, is all the money going to there? Yeah. Because Brendan, you know you can like go to Thailand and be around kids. Yeah.

Fred is like, Thailand and Disney, my two vacations, bro. Oh, dude, there's a fucked up amount of people that is like that. I promise you. I promise. That's a big Venn diagram. Oh, very large.

Very large Venn diagram. Very large. Hell, there's no chance you went to Disney, did you? No, we never went. We're definitely way, way, way too poor. Yeah. I remember one time my dad, like when we were fresh off the boat, like Albanian immigrants in Baltimore, my dad took like a road trip to Florida with his boys.

Like, just four Albanians. Without you guys? Yeah, just four Albanian middle-aged students. So this is what, like, 90? This is literally, like, 93? Probably 93, 94, something like that. Just, like, four middle-aged Albanian immigrants, like, all fresh off the boat. That's awesome. They drove down there, and I remember, like, I would talk to him on the phone, and all I wanted to know was, like, did you go to Disney? Did you go to Disney? He said, like, one day they went to the parking lot and just, like, looked inside from the gate. Like, with no place.

That's hilarious, dude. I never knew about your dad's fresh off the boat road trip with the fellas. What do you think he was up to on that road trip? I don't know, honestly. You think they were buying some pussy up and down the eastern seaboard? They probably weren't buying pussy, but...

Maybe, though I doubt it. You don't think four Albanians in a car together for three days in a row. Maybe they went to a strip club. I could see that. For sure. Elvis' dad had a red dot of a sniper rifle on his head. Didn't even realize how close he came to being killed.

They're like, we got four Albanians. Four Albanians coming onto the property. They're going to try and eat and roast Mickey. They think he's a giant mouse. They're going to take him home for Easter. Their plan was to drive to where you could get giant rodents to feed their family for the next six months.

Anything about Mickey tied to the roof of their car? Keeping him alive to slaughter him fresh in Baltimore for Easter.

That's hilarious, dude. I guess that's like we just got... Should I take a shot? Should I take a shot? No, that's so funny to think about just some immigrants just being like, we're in America. We've just been doing the pay. We've been near our wives and children, wherever they're keeping you to immigrate. It's like, time for the boys to let off steam. Let's go to Fort Lauderdale. Yeah.

They probably weren't buying pussy because they weren't savvy enough with the country. I think that's right. Not because there wasn't a will to buy pussy, but think about guys who don't even speak English with like $8 between them trying to negotiate sex from a woman in the street. They just go to Kroger and be like, I buy pussy from you. $4 sandwich and pussy, please. I take half sandwich, all pussy.

Yeah, just trying to, the girl behind, like, at a Panera, trying to get her to fuck him in their Camry. That's nice, man. That's a cute little trip. Quiet down, Mike and Sagalow. I have important information for our listeners. I'm here from Europe.

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Let's see what that nuts about. My dad did ask me once in my 20s. I was just in Baltimore, early 20s. I was like, hey, want to go get some dinner? Me and him never really did anything together at all. I was like, hey, let me go sit down for a fucking meal with this guy.

And we were like driving as soon as we were out of the neighborhood. He was like, hey, why don't you go to one of those bars where the women dance topless? I like never known him to go to one. He's like, oh, yeah, I went with, you know, two family friends of ours before. And I just like imagine like three like subdued Albanian guys like, yeah, it's like it's nice. They're topless. You could drink a beer. It's really fun.

Just describing a strip club in the most basic terms. They have chairs you can sit down. You can take a load off, have a beverage, look at breasts. It's pretty cool. Just trying to get your son, your adult son, to go to a strip club with you. That's the sex talk with elders. Oh, yeah. That's the closest elders got to a sex talk. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

That's so fucking funny. I was just like, I don't know. How about we just get burgers? That's fun. Yeah, I never really did anything with my dad. I mean, I know you do. But did you guys hang out with your dad a lot? No, not really. I was just thinking about this. It's like, literally my job is to be good at talking. Especially training yourself to just...

Like this show's fun. You can sit down with anybody. I can pretty much sit down with like on this pod. We've had people that I don't really know. Like obviously you guys are my boys, but it's like when I have like people, it's like, you know. You mean that? Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Things going tough at home, Mike. I do mean that. Mike's at home. Dear diary, today was a great day.

Stav said I was his boy. But it's like, literally. Shut up, bitch! I need you! I'm gonna go hang out with Eldis and Stav! Do not open the door when Daddy's writing his diary!

Fuck. But yeah, dude, I don't know. I feel like literally I'm like, how is the one guy on earth that it feels like I can't talk to for more than four and a half straight minutes my own father? I feel the exact same way. And I know it's not me. You know what I mean? It's definitely not me. No, it's the dads. Yeah. What the hell is that? And my dad...

I don't know. I'm so close with my son. I'm like, are we too close? Yeah. You guys kiss on the lips probably? We kiss on the lips. We pee at the same time. I don't know. I mean, no, I think you're fine. I think it's definitely not a too close. Believe me, it's not a too close thing. But I don't know. It's crazy. It's like they don't make any effort to try to like connect with you or like be your friend. And it's like, what does he talk about with his friends? Does your dad have friends? My dad has a bunch of friends.

He goes to one Greek coffee shop, which it's become a, it was a coffee shop. And literally this guy just started cooking for his friends cause they were there constantly. Yeah. And over the course of 12 years, it's become a restaurant. Hilarious. And it's actually good. It's the best Greek food in fucking Baltimore. Um,

But anyway, him and his boys just hang out there. And part of me is like... We got to start selling sandwiches here. Literally, dude. They're always like... A get-rich-quick scheme? Yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm not kidding. It's actually good. Like, you didn't come, did you? Next time we're in Baltimore, look for somebody to go. We should eat there. It's fucking good. But yeah, they just hang out there. And part of me is like, maybe they just don't have that...

Rich of a life Where it's like I do think they just Talk kind of surface level Like they're always just Talking about like Greek soccer And like you know Work sucks And like They're not doing a lot Of introspection Did you watch Baby Reindeer On Netflix Yeah yeah yeah But that's the other thing Not even that Like at least Like with my mom We will slip into Just baseline pop culture Baseline yeah yeah Like whoa Like

Did you see that movie or whatever? And by the way, she has opinions and they're interesting. And it's like, and it's, you know, or she'll tell a story or I'll ask her a question about like, what were their lives like? Because it is interesting to think about your parents before you were born. Yeah. That's, they had an entire life that you don't even consider. No. You know what I mean? You're like, fuck that. Once I started thinking about that, I started thinking about my mom getting fingered and

I don't even want to think about that. That's pretty fun. It's not fun. The guy's fucking... Well, she's probably getting fingered nowadays, too. No way. You don't think so? No way. When's the last time you think a finger pop was in your mom's pussy? I mean, I think Clinton was in all of it. The last time...

Maybe Bush, maybe Bush Jr. I don't know. I actually kind of like my, I like the, the idea of thinking of my, like the prequel, the prequel to my, like the solo of my, of my, you know, parents' lives. Cause it's like, yeah, go be, it's, I can relate to them more. I actually kind of think that's the only way me and my dad are ever going to have a relationship if I relate to him as a guy, because like,

As a dad, it's kind of over. You know what I mean? It's been so long since our dads were people of color. Right, right. So you think your dad being young would be like, don't move your fucking walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, yeah. Greektown, they did not respect Greeks when they came in the 80s. It was literally like everyone spoke Greek. It was crazy.

They were, they had like, they came in 82 and I was born in 89. And like by the mid 90s, Greek time was kind of over in that way. But like there was like four or five years when they first got here where they were like an English language or a Greek language theater group. They would bring like Greek actors from Greece. They don't even learn English, right? When they come here. No, dude, my dad still barely knows English. Yeah, yeah.

Like, you guys would have a kind of hard time talking to my dad. You would figure it out, but it wouldn't be like, you know, and that may be part of it, too, the language barrier. My Greek is all right, but it's like, you know. Do you and your dad say I love you? No. No. Yeah. I don't think so. When my dad says it, I go, I don't know.

Yeah, it's kind of like interesting. Where did this come from? Yeah, I just started saying I love you to him. That's nice. I was like, I love you. And he was like, uh-uh. Yeah. I threw him off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good, though. Yeah, I guess. Because you guys actually do stuff? We try. We try. We'll try to go out and go to dinner and stuff like that. But it's like we're just –

It's all his world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's maybe like they're guarding something or... Because I don't... Because like you said, you know, I know what my dad likes. He likes basketball. He likes the Yankees. Right. He doesn't like Muslims. Right, right. There's a long list of what he doesn't like. There's a long list of what he doesn't like, which you think you could... And yeah, it's the same thing. It's like you talk to people and your job is to... See, I'm almost jealous of that. What? Because I don't even... I don't even think my dad has enough like... Like...

He's not even like racist. You know what I mean? And not because he's a good guy, because he just hasn't really thought about what races he does and doesn't like. You know what I mean? It's like he'll say some ignorant shit, but because he heard it like around. I don't know. And he's from Greece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I know what races he doesn't like. Yeah, by default. You don't have to be a genius to figure that out. But anyway, I don't know. Like even soccer, it's like, I don't know.

I wish we had a little basket. I feel like your dad was that way too, right? Yeah, for sure. I mean, I feel like when my dad and his Albanian friends were always hanging out, a big go-to was just bitching about politics. I would quickly take over a whole night of hanging out. They had big political debates about probably Albanian politicians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I bet your dad probably does some of that. Yeah, my dad, the weird thing is he was...

Because he grew up under, there was a fascist. Elvis' dad is like, are you voting for a goat or a horse? I was literally... I was trying to think of the same thing. I was like, how do I... Oh, you're trying to think of the same thing? Goat, horn like Jew, no vote goat. Must vote horse, strong. But light brown horse, not dark brown horse. LAUGHTER

who are you supporting in Albania in the mud wrestling match for the prime minister each politician's villager gets their biggest strongest retard oils him up and puts them in a mud pit and whoever suffocates the other retard he gets sworn in his champion yeah he gets sworn in

They're like, not voting is a vote for whores. I know God is not perfect. He's not perfect candidate. Now is not time for purity test. He will be even worse for Gaza.

Goddamn. Hey, speaking of Gaza, just real quick. Sure. Looks like Israel lied about the rapes. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. You heard it from Mike Brooks. Just want to say congrats to our boys for not raping anyone, which we knew you, I knew you didn't. Yeah.

I'd like to say congrats to my boys for coming up with a cool lie. Oh, you're a Zionist, Brendan? Irish Long Island Brendan Sagalos. That's right. We've got to stand with Israel. Represent the Jews.

What is even that? I don't know. Z for Zionist. Okay, all right. All right. Interesting. Fun. We're going to learn that was some kind of white supremacist thing by accident. He just did like some kind of like neo-Nazi thing. Blur out his hands just in case when you put it on the episode, Elders.

That way we make it look like he did something horrible. Fuck, dude. Yeah, I don't fucking know, but whatever. That's fun to think about. Yeah, doing stuff. I mean, me and my brothers hung out with my dad. We did a little barbecue. Honestly, the platonic ideal of hanging out with your dad is grill up some meats. Yeah. You know what I mean? Eat and then...

Have so many meats in your system that there's like some gentle sporting event on your TV. Yeah. Like we were watching, nobody cares about golf. Throw some golf on. Yeah. Take a nap. Like your dad starts to kind of napping and it's like great. Yeah. You know what I mean? We talked for 10 minutes, kind of. Because it is a little weird to be too close with your dad. Yeah.

Yeah. Totally. Those guys who like their dads too much and their friends. Right. Their family in general. Anyone who like hangs out with their family that isn't like the wife and kid, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're like, yeah, I go on vacation with my mom and dad every year. Yeah.

Well, don't knock that. Enjoy that. Psychopath. Yeah, yeah. Wait, didn't you just say your dad took to Disney World? Yeah, well, if it's some gay infantilizing vacation, that's different. If he puts you in a big diaper. I'm not training at Disney World. Are you kidding? I'm not going to go to the beach with my parents like some fucking loser. Yeah.

I'm going to get $80 worth of Mickey's cash to have a fucking barbecue sliders. Yeah. I'm going to go meet Winnie the Pooh. It's not something stupid. I'm not doing some gay shit.

Fuck, dude. That's awesome. Wait, what do your guys' dads do? What did your dad do for a living? My dad was a lawyer for AIG for a long time. Oh, nice. And then he left and just started becoming a consultant, like an insurance law consultant. Nice. And now I think he's retarded. I mean, retired. Retarded.

Freudian slip there. So just some nice white collar, living in the Long Island burbs. Right, right. Staying out, getting hookers. Really? I think so. That's awesome. He was just like a blur in a suit for the longest time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was just never around. He's the guy that goes to Chili's by himself on a lunch break and gets a double cheeseburger. Yeah, hell yeah. He's one of those guys. Always had the Bluetooth ear thing. Always. Making deals. Go for Ty. Making deals, but such low-level insurance deals. Yeah. Insurance is not exciting. I got us five more dollars. Yeah.

Did he work in the city? Yeah. He worked in like a building in the city. Classics. I mean, dude, that's Long Island guys who would work in the city. That's kind of a nice life. Yeah. It's old fashioned. Yeah. They held on to that like

My family's here and my... Yeah. You can really be two guys. Yeah. Close. Yeah. Geographic proximity. My family's here and there's a girl that works at Jamba Juice that's nice to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's there. Yeah. One day I'm going to overstep and offer to purchase her college tuition for her. She's going to find it weird. Yeah.

She's going to realize I'm not just a nice guy and I've been thinking about fucking her every second that I've ever talked to her. I'm going to get her jewelry for Christmas. I'm going to get my wife a book. A John Grisham novel. And I'm going to get this girl fucking 24 karat earrings. Sapphire. You're just such a good friend and it's nice talking to you every morning.

Yeah, my doctor says my diabetes is too bad for me to even get Jamba Juice. So I've just been coming here, buying something and throwing it away. Not giving it to a homeless guy, which I could be doing. I've just been throwing it in the trash and thinking about eating your pussy in my DXL elastic khakis. That's so funny because I went to the coffee shop yesterday and the girl working there was like, she said something about my shirt and we chatted for a little bit. And then I left and I was like,

This is the greatest relationship. That's the height of human relationships. Of course. Because I didn't do it. I didn't say anything weird. No. It's just like older guy getting a little bit of attention. Just enough. She gets to talk to a customer for a little bit. Right, right, right. And you haven't... And that's it. You haven't like... Yeah, as long as you don't reveal the freak...

barely under the surface. That's what most of this polite society is. Very hard to do. Very hard to do. Because it's constantly thinking about all of like the freaky shit. She's like, nice shirt. And you're like, ooh, you know, like see it on your floor. Don't say that. Don't say that. No, no, no, no. No way. That's what you're thinking about saying?

I mean, I'm on the spot. You're just quietly thinking about fucking her. It's not even like a... It's not even saying anything. It's like being fucking her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like an intangible, just like...

clearly in your you know some like minor like I want to fuck eyes you know like not nothing funnier than a guy who's like clearly thinks he's being charming right and he's just being fucking weird no no no yeah you gotta be aware of like you just gotta be like oh yeah no no you know just a little friendly interaction yeah yeah give her a little oh thanks

I left, I was like, I'm awesome. Yeah. I was like, so cool. Yeah, that would be a fun... There would be... I don't want to... Obviously, the point of getting married is not to cheat, but there is part of you that's like, that seems pretty like a fun life. What? Just you keep... Cheating on your wife. Having an affair. Just like being a guy who commutes somewhere and just...

is an animal and just like, you know. Well, now it's impossible. You can't cheat without it like being like, well, what if she like DMs my wife or something like that? Right, right, right. Or it's like back then you could give someone a fake name and then just fuck them and... Yeah, yeah. That is... Those were the glory days. Yeah. Now you literally have to go to, I guess, a foreign country and even then... Even then they could DM. Yeah. They could figure it out. You would need... You come back from the foreign country and she's like, you know, let me smell your dick. Yeah. Yeah.

Just don't cheat. Right, right, right. Yeah, right, right. But there's nothing wrong. I mean, if somebody says something about your shirt, you can say, yeah, I got it at Marshall's. Yeah.

That's not illegal. That's not illegal. You can jack off to maybe you go to Marshall. She happens to be there. Yeah. You go to the fitting room. She sucks your dick. You can't get hard. Right. You're like, I'm even in your fantasies. You can't get hard. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Good old fashioned. You show up at that coffee shop all the time, even when she's not working. Right. What's her name? Yeah.

You know where she lives? She dropped this. Hey, I'm her tutor. I'm her PSAT tutor. What's your schedule exactly? I just want to drop off a log. Just tell me what you're working! You dress up like a cop. You're like, her family's been in a horrible accident. And I was wondering if you had some contacts. Yeah.

You buy a fucking cop suit off Amazon? I'm a detective. I need news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to see pictures of her naked. She's committing multiple crimes this year again. Twirling your little baton. You're like, I'm just kidding. I got this at Party City. Yeah.

That's so fucking funny. I don't know, man. There's something. I guess when I'm thinking of it, it's like you're married to someone you don't like, which is not the point. Yeah. But it just seems like. No, I love my wife. Yeah. We don't sleep in the same bed together because she sleeps with my son. Right, right, right.

I can see not sleeping with your partner every night. That seems like a bit of a drag. Right. I need some fucking, you know what I mean, every once in a while. Well, Salvador Dali had a whole other house for his wife. Is that so? For his wives? For his wife, yeah. In the back? Him and his wife, like, yeah, he had a big house, and then she had a smaller house in the back. You're a big Dali guy? Hey, you know, they teach us that at Disney University.

That's awesome. You watch Chef's Table? Yeah. Because there's that chef. His name's like Francis Malman or something. He's like Argentinian and his whole thing is like he cooks outside. Oh, yeah. He like digs these big pits and like smokes like a whole animal. That was a sick episode. But yeah, when he starts talking about his personal life, it's fucking weird. He's like, it's easy to get bored with one woman. So we keep our distance. Yeah.

I'm like, how do you even bring this up? He would just disappear for like four months or whatever. Yeah. Clearly cheating. He's got a cheating phenotype. Right. But that was... The food that he made looked incredible, dude. Yeah. Man, chef's table, dude. That was a beautiful time of life. He's like, romance is not good if you see your wife every day. Yeah, yeah. That's how he treats her, like shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. My true love is cooking huge goats over an open flame, which...

I kind of get. If you told me what I would love to do every day, like one person or cook delicious fucking wild game every day. Oh, yeah. There's something about cooking with real fire. It's just like the best thing you can do. Dude, Chef's Table, when that shit came out and it was like, that was right before I moved to New York.

I'm living in Baltimore. You feel cultured watching it too. Like Chef's Table is like kind of like, you know, high end production, whatever. And I was like, I'm going to be in New York. Like I was finally getting pussy on my own. I'm going to be eating dinner with Tim Dillon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting pussy on your own is a hilarious way to say that too. Yeah.

I was finally getting pussy on my own. Yeah, without a pussy chaperone. Without a tutor. Without the training wheels on. I was getting pussy, like, I guess outside of a relationship is what I meant to say. Outside of, like, a college relationship. I was like, I finally believed in myself. I was, like, 23, 24. And I was, like, just living with my boys in Baltimore, man. Life never gets better. Watching Chef's Table, being like, I bet they'll make a new one of these. Never made another one.

Every other cooking show sucks dick in comparison. It really sucks dick. And it's like life just doesn't get better than when you're about to do your dream, but you haven't had to do any of the work. Yeah, yeah. It was just thinking about how awesome it's going to be. Yeah. I didn't think about fucking, you know, getting zero pussy in that living room over there. You know what I mean? Like...

God damn. Just gaining 20 pounds every year. Well, once it clicks that you're like, there's some hot chicks that like fat guys...

It's all over. You're like, oh, I don't even need to work on myself. Brendan, that's actually true for me. You clearly still have like, you still hate being fat. That's my issue. My issue is, but you clearly are like, dude, I know you do, man. I know in your head you're like 120 pounds. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm trying to get you to accept this. I want you to be good with yourself. I think you need to give yourself more love. No way, dude. In your head, you want to be wearing like women's jeans and like a, you know what I mean? Like a thin shirt. I want to be like Eminem when he was 25. Yeah, yeah. I mean, dog tags and big heavy, you know, being like, I like swimming in my clothes. My clothes are actually like suffocating from my body. Yeah.

I know. Your body dysmorphia is one of the funniest aspects of you for sure. You're the only one that's noticed that. Hopefully. Yeah. I'm the only one.

There's probably, you know, just a couple more. Not as many as you'd be worried about. You know, here's the issue is that everyone says you're fat. Like there are people in my life that are like, you're not that bad. Right. So I'm getting like... They're lying to you. I'm getting misinformation here. But what's the reason to lie here? Because they've picked up on what I just told you.

And there's protecting your feelings. There's a hive mind going on. They're like, don't tell him, don't tell him, don't tell him. He can't handle it. He's not strong enough to know how fat he is. He's going to close his eyes and think about being on Epcot right now. That'll be my rock bottom. Brennan just has to do that for three minutes every time somebody tells him how fat he is. That'll be my rock bottom. Every time he sees the size on his jeans, he has to be like, oh.

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S-T-A-V-V-Y. Get 20% off. Hey, one of the bears is broken. Can we get somebody? Is there someone who can fill in for one of the country time Jim Lee bears? Brandon's like, it's my mom. Anyone want to be one of the bears for a fast pass? For one fast pass. For one fast pass. You're like...

Yeah. All serious, though. The Country Bear Jamboree is really fun. Yeah, I believe it is, man. Oh, I'm sure, yeah. I'm sure it is. So, okay. Did they update that one? No, it's still the old fucking, like, the eyes are popping out. It's cool they didn't update it. I kind of like that. I like that. It's cool. Yeah. I kind of like that. Yeah, I don't know, man. We don't have this shit on Disney anymore, man. Or talk about. I like it. It's getting a lot of laughs. Yeah.

When you guys were younger, did your moms ever lie to you about your weight? Like, my mom would be like, you're going to go through your growth spurt, and it's all just going to... Absolutely. And she didn't say, like, hey, you should exercise a little bit. Yeah, yeah. No. Like, you're going to grow out of it. Oh, really? My mom over, like, fatted me. Like, if she got me clothes... Shamed you? Like, if I was, like, 12, she would get me clothes that were, like, XXL t-shirts. Like, they... My mom was like, of course you'll only feel... Well, no, she, I guess, coddled, but it's like...

She thought I was this weight. Interesting. Like, she said it in my head that she was like, yeah, we have a fat kid. Right. And I was like 13. Right, right, right. And I was a little boy. And I was just a little boy. Was she right or no? I was a chubby kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I had little puffy nipples and stuff. You know what I'm saying? Like, I had little puffy titties. But I wasn't like...

I was an obese. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I mean, I do think there was... Do you guys remember the scoliosis screening? Mm-hmm. They'd be like, all right, boys, so we got to check in for scoliosis. You're all going to line up and take your shirts off. Right, right, right, right, right. And I'd be like, I just started sweating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, when I was in high school and we were doing swimming, like when they had to do swimming, I just kept cutting the class because I didn't want to take my shirt off and go to the pool. But then they called my parents and they were like...

They were like, well, he's not showing up to the classes, and this is a requirement. So he needs to do it. So there was a part where the rest of the class was doing some other thing in the pool while I was doing what they just did last week. Last week. Like, they were outside of the pool. It's even more humiliating. Even more humiliating, because I'm like...

Yeah. And they're all like judging me and looking at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas if you're just gone, if you're taking your medicine while everybody else was doing it. Yeah. Sorry. Life lesson, man. There's like a helicopter looking for you. They're like, we got a fat kid skipping swim class again.

Is it making a sound? I don't know. I like it. We have a fat kid skipping swim class again. These damn fat kids. So you were a fat child too, Mike, huh? I didn't realize that. Yeah, I thought you did. I knew you had like... I didn't realize it was like a...

Because we've talked about how you don't like getting fatter now. I'm trying to resist it. As a dad, you're trying to stay away from fat dad life. Which I think you're perfect for, by the way. But I knew that was a worry. I didn't realize there was like... So when you were like...

You know, you had like an in-shape period in your 20s, 30s. And then it was like... It's sandwiched between a fat childhood and you're fat. Now you're the fat father. Yeah. You know, because you were telling me how you were like...

Try it on a 2XL shirt as a joke and it just fit perfectly. That's so funny. Be like, ah, look how fucking fat I am. Look how big these clothes are. Oh, God. This is how I'm supposed to wear T-shirts. This is how T-shirts are supposed to feel. Yeah, dude, I know. I go to Saudi Arabia. I'm like, this is amazing. And a little hat. Yeah.

Fat dad hood is just, that seems nice though, man. Yeah, but it's just like if your wife leaves you, you don't want to be like a fat piece of shit. Right. Well, just strong. You just have to have big arms. Yeah. You just have to be a strong man. I did go to the gym. I was swinging a kettlebell the other day in front of the mirror and I was like, I think I'm hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess as long as you think you're hot. That's all it takes. That's all it is. That's all it takes. You feel powerful. You got to feel strong. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

That's it, dude. You're going to blow up your shoulders and your traps. That's it, dude. Fat belly, big fucking shit. You got to have a kid, though. Sure. That's where you are afforded a route to being sort of fat that's acceptable and even attractive. Without a kid, you're just fat. That's what I'm trying to get, but without a child. I just want to be like that guy. You want to get skinny? Not skinny. I just want to have big ass arms. I actually love being fat in a way that's fucked up.

Like, I would not choose to be, like, what I'm supposed to be on the BMI chart. Yeah. Like, if I could snap my... I guess I would, and then I would just gain, like, 40 pounds. It would be cool if you had, like, that dude Ethan Supley kind of hit, like, his... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if you became like that... I'd love to be stronger. I don't want you to do that, though. I think I don't want you to be one of those guys that, like, gets surgery or something. No. And we have to accept, like, skinny Stav. Not surgery. I would have a hard time. Oh, my God. Not surgery. I knew somebody who... We're like, hey, oh, hey, Stav. You look great. Yeah.

Right. I'm like, guys, take control of who you are. Every day, every new day you wake up is an opportunity. You don't have to be this way, Brendan. You can stop going to Disney World. You can get fucking ripped. You can put on those size 29 jeans you were thinking about wearing to Warped Tour 15 years ago. In a sophomore in high school, you're like, I'm going to be like,

Six months from now, I'll fit into these jeans. You can get into those jeans right now, Brandon. I believe in you. I would rather be fat than have that fucked up stomach. You know what I'm saying? Like that, that like, that where it's like melted and shit. You mean the like, the extra skin? The gastric bypass extra skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The skin is tough. That, I mean, not that I'll ever...

lose enough weight to have excess skin, but that would be one thing I might consider trimming up a little bit. You know what I mean? Get that cool scar. Yeah. Because I have gotten fat enough where if I do lose weight, it'll probably be a little bit of a belly. But yeah, I agree with you. You got to have a little belly, man.

yeah a man's got to have a belly as far as i'm concerned yeah it's sauce if you don't yeah yeah yeah eldest is kind of like you where he thinks he's hot as and he thinks he's gonna be like like skinny i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna give you what i want people to give me

Yeah, you do look good. You have full head of hair, beard. Sure. There you go. Yep. But it's like... There's a lot of cosmetic work going on to just... I recently switched over to 3XL and it's like, man. T-shirts? Yeah. Big difference. Feel better? Yeah. I lost weight the last couple months, but...

Even still, it's like, man, it feels good just to be in a shirt that fits right. It just feels good to have the fabric hang off you. Just a little hang feels good. Yeah, it's nice. It's like you're not visibly trying to squeeze into something that just clearly does not fit you. That only fits in that one straight-ahead angle that no one will ever look at you from. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Everyone's seeing you from every other angle. You don't have the courage to look at yourself. Or if you sit down in it, you're fucked. But if you're like standing as tall as possible, it's like the two X's hanging good. But you sit down and it's like all belly. You want a little slack when you're sitting. Absolutely. I like the way that XL t-shirt fits me now. XL? Yeah. Love it, dude. Back in the X's. I'm at two, bro. Yeah.

I'm dreaming to get back to two, man. I'm at three, but I lost probably almost 40 pounds, and I just fit better in the same shirt size. That's a brutal realization. To be like, 40 pounds of weight loss buys me breathing room in a 3X. Doesn't get me down a size. Buys me a more comfortable fit in 3X. That's really tough.

That's one where you're like, what's the fucking point? Put me on Ozempic. What am I working hard for? What am I eating vegetables for? Would you do Ozempic? I don't know. It scares me. It feels too good to be true. I know, right? It feels like a deal with the devil. There's got to be another shoe that drops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving it a couple more years to see if people start getting stomach cancer. Right, or like some sort of tail growing or something like that. What if I just...

It's like, oh, well, it turns out that first batch of Ozempic actually worked and made your cock bigger. But now all the subsequent batches will never work. Right. And your dick shrivels. Anyway, look, that's enough of the fat pussy hour.

We have people to help. And what better episode, what better panel to help the everyman than my dear friends, Brendan and Mike. And you guys want to plug anything here at the Midway Point? I got a podcast, new podcast called Sag Daddy Da Pod. That's out. It's fun. Check it out on YouTube and all that stuff. And then I got a special coming out in August. I love it. Hell yeah. So it's actually out now probably because we are hilarious.

I might be dead. So yeah, the special's doing great. Actually, literally tell us the date and we'll try and do it. August 9th is when the special's going to come out. Well, maybe, maybe not. We'll see. I think that could work. We can do it? Nice. It just came out. It just came out. The podcast just came out. Well, the podcast is out now. I'm sorry. The special just came out. The podcast has been out. The podcast is... I just quit it. Too hard. Too hard.

No one respects me. I couldn't get good guests. Yeah, so that was fun. Go watch the six episodes Brendan did do. And watch, more importantly, his special. Mike, what do you got for us, buddy boy? I'm going through a divorce at the moment. So...

If you could. Yeah, I got a special out on YouTube. It's called I'm Normal, and I do a podcast every week called Out for Smokes with Sean McCarthy and Scott Chaplin. I love it. That special was awesome, too, dude. Thanks. It was really good. Thanks a lot. Go watch it. We've plugged it here before, but Ian was talking over you the whole episode. He took a shit. Yeah, yeah. I was thinking about that. Him coming to your house and shitting. It's not that he shat. It's just he needs to like...

be the center of attention and have drama around him all the time. He shit in your... Yeah, immediately. Immediately, yeah, yeah. And it was like, he can't... And look, you can shit in my house, but it was the first thing he did. The first thing he did, yeah. That's weird. That's weird. It's weird for it to be the first... You just got here? I was podcasting. Yeah, yeah. At his house. Yeah.

I mean, I would rather shit in my own house than even a friend's house. You can't take a quick shit at your house? No. I would hold it in because I need to get just naked to shit. Fully nude. I get fully nude to shit. Interesting, interesting. Every time? Not even like a bad one? If I'm in public, no, but every single time. If I'm at home. If I'm in public, no. Oh, okay. So when you're at LaGuardia, you fucking... No, you laugh, but, you know, I've tried it. But, no, at my house, I'll... Of course. Of course.

And what's that? You just feel freer? Freer. You can spread your legs out more. Mm-hmm.

You know, I don't feel like I'm pissing on my clothes. Or like if I have a bad shit, it comes up my back and then like gets all over my fucking... What do you mean it comes up your back? How the fuck would that even happen? You know exactly what I'm talking about. Up your back? I really don't. I wish I did. This guy starts eating salmon and rice. No, no, hold on. You're sitting on a toilet. Your asshole is over the toilet. I'm not saying if you were pressed against a surface, shit couldn't come up your back, but...

He's shitting naked. He's like, mommy, I'm done. I'm done. Every time. Interesting. Yeah. Try it. I've only ever, if I'm really struggling, I've taken my shirt off. If I'm like sick or hungover or like something like that. That's hilarious. We're like, oh my God. Literally, dude. I'm like, oh, fuck. Those middle of the night painful shit. Brutal stuff. Yeah.

Brutal. I'm so tired, too. Literally praying to God.

The only moments I'm like, I'm sorry, Lord. I'll never get fucking, I'll never drink eight whiskeys and order fucking seamless in the Uber. Fall asleep. Fall fully asleep. Be woken up by the delivery guy bringing me a pizza and 20 wings. Wake up, eat them, and go immediately back to sleep ever again. And then 45 minutes later just be like...

damn, I guess it has been good being sober. I'm like, what is this even doing for me? And it's like, wow, I haven't had one of those shits in a really, a really long time. You're sober? I've been sober. I'm doing a sober year. Yeah, okay, nice. I turned 35 in February and so...

But it's been tough. It's good, but having that first whiskey after you haven't drank in a while is like, there's nothing better. The drinking is like, I just want a couple. It's really the weed that's really getting me. Weed is hard. I really want to smoke a joint like every night. Every night I want to smoke one. Every night, every morning. I want to wake up and smoke. I mean, there's nothing better than coffee and a joint.

It is good, yeah. My little speedball. I love that, dude. I love that low-grade-ass speedball. So fucking awesome. Yeah. It's the best. It has really told me how much I love weed, this stretch of being sober. In the past, I would get off stuff. Like, I would...

Like right before I filmed my special I was like alright two months just to dial in But it was like purely like I have to be about my work And then the minute And I thought like oh weed's not a big deal Turns out it really is for me It really fucking is but anyway We're good we've been doing about six months now That's great Six more months and then we'll see And then I'm back on the road immediately once that year is up So then I'm like

Should I open the floodgates as soon as I go on the road? That seems like a mistake, too. Right. So anyway, we'll see. It might be more than a year. Maybe I take a little break, and we'll see. Who gives a fuck? Maybe I fully relapse by the time this comes out. It's possible. I've thought about it pretty much every day the last two months. Anyway, let's take some calls.

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A little about me, I'm 27, I live in Indianapolis. I've been trying to diet and get down to like 190 and sitting at about 240 and traditional tacos have been like my favorite food and I try not to overdo it especially with my diet. I just got my CDL and I drive for a local company a few months ago

Congrats, bro. I just started and recently I started having this insatiable fucking craving for steak tacos and I couldn't figure out what it was. I was door dashing them like every other day for lunch or dinner. Well, found out my boss switched over our fucking company trucks over to biodiesel that uses the oil from a local restaurant chain.

I've probably spent like $200 or $300 on fucking steak tacos this month. Is steak tacos code for something? Yeah, I know. Like what? I'm having trouble following this. I don't think it is. I don't think he's talking about, you know, I don't think it's the pizza gate situation where he's like, oh, some yummy cheese pizza to celebrate. Like a Wayfair kind of situation? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I start making them at home. Fucking fill my freezer up with flank steak. That really is the answer, actually. For, like, save on the cost of it. All right. Let me know. Love you guys. Thanks.

That actually is the answer. Because steak tacos, if this is not code for child pornography, is a healthy meal. What does the oil have to do with it? Because his truck smells like, so they're on biodiesel, so it's like when he burns it, it smells like you're at a fucking carryout. So you just smell delicious smells. Is he saying that or is he saying they get it from a taco place? That's what I kind of figured. But either way, it doesn't really matter.

I think he means they switched over the biodiesel. Yeah, biodiesel, which is like... From a local restaurant chain here in town. Isn't that what biodiesel is? They use like oils and shit left over? I think so, yeah. That's what I think. Anyway, whatever. The answer is make your own. Because steak taco... Flank steak is a pretty lean meat. Yeah. That's actually one of my go-to... So in my little Baltimore sabbatical, I have salmon and broccoli a lot. I have... I make a kind of like...

taco meat thing where it's like ground chicken or ground turkey and I saute a bunch of peppers and onions and I eat that with some cabbage. And then another go-to meal is grilled flank steak which is... It's one of the leanest cuts of beef and you...

The secret is you got to marinate it. And I marinated with some soy sauce, some orange juice, some lime juice. Yeah. A bunch of like chili powder, garlic, onions. You can do chipotle pepper with adobo sauce. Chipotle pepper with adobo sauce. Exactly. Some lime and garlic. Put that in there. And do like a steak taco bowl maybe. Bowl exactly. Avocado. Yeah. Maybe skip the cheese and the sour cream. Skip the cheese or get Greek yogurt. Yeah. You can make a... Oh, yeah. You get like low fat Greek yogurt, which is a huge hack.

for like filling little snacks. I love putting Greek yogurt in like a chili. Yeah, dude. Power. That's a great move. You know what you got to do? You do the chili, the hot chili, then you do chips on top, then you do a scoop of Greek yogurt so you get the contrast of the cold yogurt. That's beautiful. Absolutely. No, that's a go-to move of mine and I had to stop doing that because there was no way for me to eat that with any kind of moderation.

Sure. The second I started. Yeah, yeah. The second you introduce a tip, a chip situation, it's over. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, you do that, buddy. Get some flank steak, marinate it like that, grill it up. Yeah.

It freezes nicely. You chop it up into little cubes. You can... Cheaper. It's way cheaper. Way cheaper. I go to Costco and I get two flank steaks. I marinate one. I grill one. I marinate them both. I put one in the freezer after two or three days and then I grill one. And then whenever I feel like having another one, I just fucking... In fact, I go back to Baltimore today. There's a marinated flank steak waiting for me that I'm going to fucking take out. Oh, hell yeah. Wow. Or fuck all that. Fuck all that.

Yeah. And just keep going. Keep doing you, bro. Yeah. Tacos and go to Disney World. Yeah. Go through a couple drive-thrus, bro. Mm-hmm. Yeah, go start going to Taco Bell. Yeah.

Start eating Taco Bell in the daytime. But you could do a nice burrito bowl with like steak, rice, beans, avocado, and pico. Incredibly filling. And you could skip the cheese. Yeah. And that's good shit. And hot sauces, that's another little hack. Oh, okay. Hot sauce has no fucking calories. You find a couple sauces you really like, fucking hammer them home. You're in good shape, little buddy. We're going to change this guy's life. I'm fucking hungry as shit now. Yeah, dude. I'm like starving now. That's making my dick hard. Polaris.

I'm starving. You can be starving, man. It's okay. Don't second guess yourself, man. You're allowed to feel deep hunger. I don't know about starving, though. When was the last time you had... When was the last time I ate? At...

last night. I'm starving! That was Jon Panett's catchphrase. Oh, really? I didn't know he had a catchphrase. Even as a child, and I think he's very funny, but as a fat child, I was like,

This feels like minstrel-y. Yeah, for sure. It feels like he's fucking tap dancing for the non-fat community. Yeah. Because he was funny and good jokes. Then he'd be like, I'm starving. I'd be like, take it down. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah. Have some respect for yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, may he rest in peace. Yeah. He was great live. Yeah. Amazing. I hugely respect him, obviously. And people are like, have you seen your own act, you fat piece of shit? Yeah. I know. Right. Relax. But there is a difference between like, oh, here's a situational thing and then being like, I'm a fatty baddie. I think it was literally I'm starving that pissed me off. Right, right, right. I'm starving. Because it was like the punctuation on already good jokes. Yeah. And then it's like.

It's like, let me spell it out for these fucking retards who don't get it. Deb loves him because she worked at Caroline's, and she said he would come in, and he'd be like, in a really good mood, he'd have a wine bottle full of M&M's, and he would pour it into people's mouths. That's awesome. Oh, my God. He's the man. I wish I had met him, but what can you do? What else we got, LD? Yes, we got it. So, what's up, Stavi, Eldest, esteemed guest?

So to give you some background on myself before I ask for the advice, I'm 28 years old.

Grew up in the diner business. Pretty much my whole family, both sides of my family is in the diner business. I know, stereotypical Greek from New Jersey. But yeah, grew up in the diner business, but went to school for accounting. Got fucking two degrees in accounting. Had a pretty good job for a few years, but just decided it wasn't for me. You know, my ADD just couldn't handle the desk job. So joined my dad full-time at the diner about a year ago.

And also I was in a long-term relationship almost like five and a half years that started from college, but I'm single now. And so my question for you kind of had this debate with a couple friends, but how do you feel about me also, you know, being a manager, either, you know, flirting slash hanging out with...

Either customers or coworkers. - Fucking Greek piece of shit. - I think it's definitely-- - Talk about minstrelry. - Yeah. - This guy's like-- - I have a question. Should I fuck all my customers? - Can I fuck the 14-year-old hostess? - Yeah.

She's giving me very good vibes. How do you feel about me drugging the woman that come in here? He's like, you know, I thought it was going to be something about like, oh, do I want to be in my family business? Should I go around? Right, right, right. So yeah, no, of course I just ended up in the diner and now I ain't got no fucking bitch. Yeah.

around my neck like a fucking anvil so can I fuck the teenagers that serve mozzarella sticks in my fucking business hilarious let's give him the benefit of the doubt let's see if there's anything more I doubt there is but let's just give him how many shirt buttons should I unbutton let's give him the benefit of the doubt let's see what he's got here to a customer

Either way, I think they're both pretty messy and I haven't done either in the year that I've been working at the diner. Okay. But I was surprised that, you know, one of my friends thought that it was almost worse to do that with customers than coworkers. So I would kind of just love to get your take on

Kind of a two-part question. One is, you know, if I'm being a pussy, being too hard on myself and shouldn't be too afraid to do that. That's hilarious. Awesome. That's his first question. I'm used to the accounting corporate world where it was very instilled in me to leave all of that shit out of the workplace. You know, obviously the restaurant industry is, you know, has a little bit of different standards. Should it? I mean, it does. If that's even...

Okay at all and kind of second part is you know, how would you rank those two? doing that with customers as opposed to co-workers because You know I think customers is not great either because I don't want to get like a reputation around town of you know being a fucking you know perv at the diner and asking girls out so You know, I think they're both kind of bad 90% chance. I

Don't do either. Because I'm a fucking pussy anyway. Awesome. But, yeah. We just hope that you're taking it. That's funny. Because he's the thing. Like, I make the schedule. So, you know, sometimes I could be like, if you fuck me, I'll give you Thursday off. Right. I mean...

Awesome that it's a two-parter. Part one is, am I being too hard on myself? Is corporate America too strict about fucking your coworkers? That's part one. How about this one? No, you're not being too hard on yourself. All right, here's what you do. You can fuck your coworkers, but only the kitchen staff. Yeah.

So, I mean, you know, obviously, and co-works is hilarious too because your father owns the diner. You mean my employees. Yeah, yeah. Like, don't fucking, you know, separate yourself further from the power dynamics here. Don't put them in that kind of position. It's weird. You're the owner's son. You're probably being groomed to fucking own the business at some point. You have, you know, he acts like he had two accounting degrees then he went to...

It's like that's some fucking impressive thing. It's like you just went to school to do the books at your diner. This guy thinks he's like Kenny Powers. Yeah, you didn't fucking leave your Rhodes scholarship to go back to the diner. You fucking went to school to run a diner, essentially. This is like an origin story where the guy doesn't realize he's just...

There's, like, no agency at all. He's just, like, predestined for his, like, destiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't realize it. He's, like, you know, a few years away from, like, being the villain or whatever. Just, like, you know, he's going to have some chains. He will have a couple, like, shirt buttons unbuttoned. No, he's like Tim Allen in Santa Claus where it's, like... He shaves. He just shaves and the beard keeps coming back. And it's, like, he goes to college. He gets a regular job, but he just...

Wakes up in the diner every time. He goes to bed in a Manhattan high rise. He wakes up in a booth next to a 15-year-old Guatemalan. He's like, well, how did I get here? Yeah, dude. So don't, obviously. You don't want an entire staff of people making fun of your dick. Yeah. It's just like, this is so cliche.

clearly a bad idea. It's just insane this took you almost three... It's also a long question to ask. It's a preamble we didn't need and it's way too wordy, but either way, um...

don't do either of these things, right? Like, look. It's an abuse of power. And which one's worse? Yes. Abuse of power. You know, I think you're a diner. No, but it is an abuse of power. Of the people that work for you, it is. Yeah, yeah. But they're like, you know. Long Island Disney going. I mean, these are the people that love Disney, folks. Dude, what is the point in working like a job like this if you can't fuck everybody? Yeah.

Like, having a roof over your head, making an honest living. If I find myself staring at cakes all day, I'm like, all right, I gotta fuck somebody. Yeah.

Okay, man. Fuck someone who doesn't work for you. It makes sense if you work at Saturday Night Live to be like, I can't be fucking everybody. But it's like, what, a fucking bullshit diner in the middle of nowhere? It's not about you. It's about the 19-year-old girls that don't want to fuck you that feel a pressure to if you try and fuck them. Right, I guess. A pressure. Yeah, because there's such a future in this business.

It's not about their career. Harvey Weinstein, manager at the diner. Same thing. Yeah.

Fuck whoever you want, bro. Hey, you know what? Choose who you listen to here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sackalo or us. Yeah. Yeah, this is good. This is a choose your own adventure. Yeah. Go with Sackalo. Sackalo's like, I think you should exploit those low-wage men. Yeah. That are probably trafficked here. You should email them in writing and tell them you'll give them a raise if they fuck you. Right, yeah. You want that day shift, don't you? Yeah.

It's like, get it right. Get it right. Get it right. Because then they can't not fuck you because they've signed an agreement. Yeah, sorry. No repercussions there. I didn't know the diner industry was so, you know. Wow, okay. Brandon's like, God, I'm the smartest guy in the world. This guy's like the smartest pussy getter there is.

You guys are like, you don't want to take advantage of the person who's working the drive-thru. You literally don't. You literally don't want to take advantage of it. You work at a fucking diner. You poke off the grill. Fuck someone in the freezer. Who gives a shit? Who cares? Fuck the customers. Fuck.

I don't give a fuck. This is awesome, man. Again, this guy gets his fucking business taken away because he listens to Brandon. Yeah, go with the devil, bro. This is awesome, man. Yeah, this is like... She had a letter that was written in crayon that was signed...

On the back of a menu. This is like a meet the press where we have two different competing sides. Sex games will rock the local New Jersey diner. If you can't fuck your employees at a diner, where can you fuck your employees? Nowhere! That's the whole point! You're not supposed to fuck your employees! This guy's like selling crack and you guys are like, you know, you gotta respect it. Respect the employees.

No, but you don't see how that could have legal ramifications.

The defendant claims he was listening to Stavi's World Podcast and got the advice from him. Either way, listen. The news wouldn't even pick this up. Yeah. Yeah, probably not. You're probably right. But I would say don't fuck your... And stop saying co-workers. They're your employees. Don't fuck them. And yeah, customers, it's a matter of like... If there's signals or whatever, yeah. You still probably shouldn't if you're going to be professional. But that's when I may be more towards Brendan's line of thinking where it's like...

Hey, man, if being the owner of this diner gives you some kind of prestige with some trashy whore that likes to get pancakes every fucking Thursday. I'm just saying, this guy's not Leonardo DiCaprio. This isn't like a... Abuse of power. It is, though. It is abuse of power. What power? This person's livelihood. These people need to do it. I got keys to the place.

That's the power this guy has. You're not supposed to fuck your employees, Brendan. That's a clear thing. I haven't had to mop up the floors in two years. I know you haven't had any responsibility in your life ever, so it's kind of hard for you to even consider a scenario where a woman needs your opinion for anything. But if you were to find yourself in that scenario... Brendan, Brendan, Brendan. Imagine if Mickey fucked Daisy Duck. That would be great. That would be great.

That's just so... Yeah. That's a good bro code. That's a good bro code. Mickey has too much power and if you fuck Daisy Duck, that could be a problem for her employment. But in all seriousness, Disney's a huge corporation. This isn't like... This isn't like... My cartoon characters are part of

I mean, if we're going down this line of reasoning, that makes more sense. If Mickey was the CEO, he shouldn't do that. He shouldn't do that. Because that is a huge company. Whereas this is just a random diner. So you're saying Mickey Mouse can fuck the churro girl. Yeah. No, he can't. No, he can't. That's what I'm saying. Because it's too big a company. It's a big company. It's a big company.

It's a scaling issue for Brendan. Yeah. Now, Steamboat Willie, before he was Mickey, he could have fucked whoever he wanted. We get another call from this guy. He's like, hey, Stav, my dad lost his business. They killed themselves. So, yeah, man, there you go. Two very well thought out answers to your question. You decide who you go with, man. We'll leave it up to you. Good luck, buddy.

What'd you do, dummy? You do have a pretty normal fan base, though, compared to other shows. Yeah, I think so. I mean, we also have thousands of calls we'll never get to that are probably unhinged. There's a lot of rough ones. When a special drops or stops really doing something kind of bigger, that's when it's just an influx of bullshit, just nothing problems. They just want to drop in and say hi. It's a lot of sifting.

But, you know, I like talking to my Greek diner brother. Yeah. This next call is going to be like, the manager at my diner that I work at keeps trying to over the team's finger mania. He said he knew you, Stav. He kind of used you as like an abuse of power or something.

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Go to warbyparker.com slash covered to try five pairs of frames at home for free. warbyparker.com slash covered. Hey, what do we got, LD? Hey, fellas. My name's Zach. I'm 34. So I'll get into it. So I have a seven-year-old. I got three kids. I got a seven-year-old, my oldest, happily married.

Got two other kids with my wife. My wife took over and adopted my son because his mother, when he was six months old, due to postpartum or whatever, relapsed on cocaine and is now a fentanyl addict. Haven't heard from him or tried to call him or anything or me or my wife or anybody in six and a half years.

Um, the problem is my son does not know that my wife adopted them. And with her being like my ex being a fentanyl addict and everything, it's basically a matter of time until she croaks. Uh, so I'm just wondering, should I try to get ahead of that and try to talk to my son with my wife or should we just avoid the whole thing? I don't want him to ever feel like I lied to him or anything like that. Uh,

but I really don't want to have to explain to him after she's dead either. Let me know what you think. Thanks. Fentanyl Brendan, you want to take this one? What of the many members of your family who have been in this position? Brendan, can you fuck a woman you're selling fentanyl to? Of course, you're a fentanyl salesman. That's the point of the job.

Yeah, honestly, if that was the situation, I would agree with that. Okay, so let's go to... Let's actually try and answer this fucking guy's question. This is a tough one. This is heavy, yeah. Did the kid ever know his mom? Doesn't sound like it, right? He never knew his mom.

No, he says, the problem is my son does not know that my wife... She was out of the picture when he was six months old. Six months old. So all he knows is this new woman who's adopted him, right? He's also assuming that his ex is going to croak and die. True.

That's an assumption. So it's hard to, it's hard to sit your son down and be like, look, this is what your, your actual mother is a fucking drug addict and she might die one day. It's like, where do you see that conversation going to? I see it more reasonable to be like, this is what happened and she's dead now. But,

But I could be wrong about that. This is like so heavy. This is tough because like I also feel like you should talk to a child psychiatrist or psychologist. Right. I don't know when because this kid's young like this. That's a lot to drop on a kid. I actually like I'm not thinking of adopting a kid or anything, but I was like I got into like a Reddit foxhole a few days ago where I was like reading about like how do you tell like adopted kids? Like what is what is a story? How do they like understand their identity or whatever?

And I think like orthodoxy is like you want to tell the kid basically ASAP, preferably like before they're even old enough to remember it. So you start like telling them in like child language. Then it's kind of normalized. When they're an infant. Yeah. So they just know it their whole lives.

If you don't do that, like, you basically need to, like, tell them ASAP. Couch it. Because you're, like, dropping a bomb on them. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, I mean, seven years old, that is, like, they're a human. They know what's up. They think, like, you're their, like, biological mom and dad or whatever. Right. So that is, like, a bombshell and just, like, a shift in their, like, reality or something. So a lot of people were saying, like, talk to, yeah, talk to, like, a child therapist or something. Yeah.

And you got to couch it in positive terms that a kid could understand. Right. Just tell them they're a baby. But yeah, you basically need to like... Because the kid's going to find out one day, obviously. The odds are pretty good. You don't want them to find out they're adopted or something when they're 18. Right. The dad's like, remember when I took you to Chuck E. Cheese? Well, they found your mother's body in the parking lot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, outside of that Chuck E. Cheese, she was strung out. Yeah, so the other thing is like, yeah, this woman is an addict and like you said, Brendan, he's assuming she's gonna die or whatever, but it's like,

What if she tries to make contact? Like, what if she does get her shit together even? Like, what if there's a positive situation where she does get her shit together? And, like, obviously she's not going to have the role a mother traditionally has in this kid's life, but maybe she does. So, I mean, yeah. Again, Eldest reading a couple Reddit threads, it doesn't really qualify as expert advice. Yeah.

So you should talk to a child psychiatrist. Hey, I read a couple Google quick answers. Okay, all right, all right. Why the fuck were you even, that's interesting. Why were you even in the adoption? I honestly don't know. It is interesting. It is kind of interesting. I was like, when do you tell a kid they're adopted? It's just crazy to think about. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Tell them so it's just like a fact of life. Right, right. Yeah, like, yeah, we're your good parents.

Right. We're your second better group of parents that actually love you. Remember when Ian flipped out about the sperm donor? What happened? So funny, dude. Some guy called in and he was like, sperm donor. It was like, do sperm donors have a right to see their kids? And Ian was like, of course they do, man. It's your cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ian just coming to grips with the fact he's probably not having a traditional...

and his best bet is some jizz he forgot about 10 years ago became a person. So now he's like, oh, that's my kid. I'm a dad. Even though I'm gay. Or whatever. I'm a gay dad. Even though I'm not comfortable with how gay I am. It's like the movie I Am Sam. He's got to fight a legal battle to see his sperm donor kid. Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, but you know what? A lot of dumbasses on the internet agreed with Ian with similar issues, I would assume. Okay. It became a very contentious topic. Interesting. On the thing where people were like, where, you know, I, anyway, we don't have to keep going over it, but yeah, I really do feel like who your parents are who fucking raised you and like. Absolutely. Yeah.

Um, so, but anyway, figure this, I mean, you know, Eldest sounded like he made some sense, but talk to a child therapist, psychologist, something like that, and then just do what they tell him to do. And it's like, he has someone, you know, that's his mom, obviously. Those are his siblings, like, to him. The positive thing is that he sort of did that with his relationship to his mother, his, you know, his adopted mother, like,

That's just who is his mom. He didn't have to adjust to that, which that's a positive. And in a perfect world, maybe you would have kind of done both in a way where it's like, you know, whatever. But go talk to definitely pediatrician, child psychiatrist, something like that. Because, you know, we just cannot tell you what to do here. Yeah, yeah.

My cousin's adopted and my family doesn't really acknowledge it. And my grandparents were always like nicer to him because they were like compensating. They felt bad, you know? I was like, what the fuck is this about? Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. So you didn't know until like you were an adult that they were adopted? Yeah. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. I never, I mean, I always think, I also think people should adopt way more. Yeah. Because there's so many fucking kids and it's like, I've always thought. I would love to adopt. Yeah. I would love to have a different.

Race kid I have to say. Yeah, I thought like I'm trying to write a bit of us I don't wanna like do my bit on the pod, but it's like My family's genes. I'm bringing more of you right? Yeah, right my family are fucking stupid as shit Yeah, everyone's mentally ill. I was fucking like has health problems. It's like just let me roll the dice Yeah, let me fuck. It's like playing a scratch-off unless you adopt some kid with worse problems. I

Yeah, but I want my kid to have a little African brother or Chinese brother. That'd be fun. Yeah. Shake it up, dude. Shake that shit up. But it's like, yeah, is that the way we should be thinking about it? Probably not. But do you want that fucking kid in some kind of cement orphanage getting one meal out of a big pot? Or do you want him and his brother to fight crime someday? Yeah. All right. What else we got, Eldest? Anything else good?

What up, Stout? First time, long time, all that bullshit. Dude, honestly, I'm trying to figure out, like, can I get this bitch fired from my work? Because I fucking hate her. I just started this job two months ago. I'm a marketer for a school. And, like, every marketing tool...

uh like graphic i make she's got some small tweak to it but like 50 times over and over nothing i do is complete or good enough and even my boss is like dude like i don't know what this is fine to me like i don't know why she has a problem with this but i'm supposed to run it by her for some reason and like i had a one-on-one conversation with her things just aren't getting better uh so like

Is there a way I could plant drugs in her office or some shit? And like, get her fired? 'Cause I don't think anybody likes this bitch. She's probably the worst person I've ever met. The worst? I try to do the fucking right approach and be nice, have an adult conversation. But like, I just started this job and I don't think I've wanted to punch someone in the face more.

She's one of those people, like, you can never please her. I don't know. You got any advice, anything I can say to her? Or any way, any ruse, elaborate plan to make her lose her job and ruin her life? It's so funny, the difference between the last one and this one, where it's like, the last one's, like, such a real life, like, adopted kid, fentanyl abuser, and this guy's like, can I just, like, get this bitch fired? Yeah, yeah. She doesn't like my gradients. Ha ha ha ha.

What about this? You do a graphic. You ask her for notes. Then you go, oh, okay, yeah, it sounds great. Then when you turn in the graphic, you go, and I incorporated Cheryl's notes into the thing. There's just a giant swastika on it. Yeah. That's good. And you're going to Photoshop. You can Photoshop her emails to say that. Yeah. Photoshop emails, yeah. Love the swastika. Great swastika with a big thumbs up emoji. Yeah.

I mean, this is also a little bit of this guy. He sounds pretty young. This sounds like his first job out of college. And it's like, he's realizing how fucking stupid working is. And how bad offices are. And how, yes, it's inefficient. And old people that don't know what the fuck they're doing have seniority. And it's like...

You're falling right into this dumb whore's trap by being this pissed off. Yeah, okay. You have to realize that he's trying to do a good job. Yeah. If she wants to slow things down forever, let her do it. Yeah. Or if you really have fat nuts, go over her head. But you sound like a fucking coward. Like, I just think what you need to do is...

So she's figured out a way to annoy you, right? How about you fight fire with fire? How about you just annoy her? Don't do her changes. What's going to happen? Truly, what's going to happen? Or just be like, here's the thing.

Just be like, yep, sounds good, and don't do it. Yeah. You ever try that? I heard Mel Brooks would do that when they were making Blazing Saddles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just say, you just wouldn't. He would say, yeah, great, yeah. Because this is the type of person who, like, just want, and, like, just be like. And then if she makes a stink about it, then she looks crazy. Yeah, yeah. Just keep doing that. You're not going to be able to. You do have to learn. You do have to learn a little bit of, like, office espionage type shit or, like, just, you know.

This is a person who you've already tried having the nice, respectful conversation. There's probably somebody who feels threatened because she doesn't have the skills. You're young. You're out of school. You understand marketing in a way that she doesn't anymore, probably. And she just wants to flex her pussy on you because she has seniority. And most people, that's the other thing you learn about working is

People love having seniority. People love, like, lording some bullshit over you. So...

You just need to pick your spots. You need to figure out ways to, yes, subtly fuck her over, not planning drugs, but like ignoring shit she says or cutting her out of emails and then apologizing and like, you know, just shit like this, dude. But you also have to just make peace with this is what a corporate environment is. You have to do your job. You have to not do a good job. Do just enough of a job.

To keep getting paid. Yeah. And like, don't let these people fucking get you down because there's a ton of fucking people like this in these jobs. I used to love figuring out how to survive with the least amount of work possible. I loved that. I was a paralegal. I did no work for like almost a year. It was awesome. I mean, that's kind of what doing stand up is surviving with the least amount of work.

Yeah, I mean, with stand-up, you actually like it, though, you know? You enjoy doing the thing where it's like, when you have this bullshit, you're like, the point is to do zero. Yeah, you just hide stuff in the graphics, like how Disney does it. Like, put, like, a penis in there somehow. The guy's hard dick in Little Mermaid. The priest's hard dick. The priest's hard cock in Little Mermaid. Classic. So, yeah, dude, I don't know. This is just, like, this is reality, brother. And, you know...

You could, I don't know, bring her, put laxatives in her coffee. Yeah, poison her. You could do little minor things like that. But it's more like you need to learn how to annoy her. She's doing something that's annoying to you. And we don't know the specifics of your office, right? We don't know what her role is. Technically, she's your superior, but she's not your boss. So it's like, how can you maneuver yourself to just get her to stop looking at your stuff? Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, you can do whatever you want in an office. No one is paying attention. You can just stop doing the protocol. And as long as you keep doing your job, no one's going to care. You know what I mean? You just have to be savvy about these things. You're not, though. You're clearly not. And you're like, you're still going about things the way she wants you to. So...

It's a little hard without specifics of knowing the chain, but it's like you got to manipulate how a workplace works. You were the one who probably worked the most in a corporate environment, Aldous. Do you have anything specific for our friend here? Yeah, I mean, I saw a bunch of, you know, just shit like this. One time I had a, like...

I was, like, confronted by a co-worker who my boss took off, like, a client email that she was on. And then she, like, confronted me about it when he wasn't in the office that day. She was like, did he take me off that email? I was like, oh, I don't know. It was, like, two weeks after I started. Yeah. So there's, like, a bunch of little petty bullshit like that, but...

Playing dumb is huge. Yeah. Playing dumb is maybe your biggest friend in a corporate environment. Yeah. Play dumb, be easy breezy, ignore her bullshit, and, you know, yeah, she'll look like a dumb bitch if she escalates it. And also, your boss does... I mean, unless your boss is, like, a toxic, like, retard too, like, he doesn't want to hear about this shit. No. You get, like, one or two, and then it's like, yeah, whatever, add the fucking comma to the presentation. I don't give a fuck. Right. It's like when Pauly threatened...

Christopher about going to Tony...

You know what I mean? At a certain point, you have to handle your own shit. You know what I mean? You can't be tattling to the big man. And by the way, how about try a little bit of the catch more flies with honey thing? You've probably been combative. You probably do have a... You probably read as having a bad attitude. I mean, it comes across in this fucking voicemail. Talking about fucking ruining this woman's life. Get her a fucking Danish. Bring her a coffee. Make it a little easier for her to be like, do whatever you want.

Yeah, like that's the thing. It's like this isn't a competition. Yes, it's stupid, but you have to live with these people. That's the thing people don't understand about jobs is

And this is everything. It's like the work is like 40% of it. The rest of it is like these are people you see every day. People just want to have a good time. Most of life is like that. It's not about what you do. Entertainment is certainly not about being talented. How many fucking people just like know the right people or are pleasant to work with or like kiss the right asses? And it's like you think your dumb marketing job is a meritocracy and it's like no, you're in some stupid...

you know, company that you have to play the game a little bit. Yeah. Your life is like an episode of like vice principals. It's really important or no. Yeah. At the end of the day, your work is meaningless. Yeah. Wait, more people yourself. More people are going to come to your stupid community college because you fucking made a really cool fucking graphic. Remember that doesn't matter. Fucking. Yeah. Just fucking get your paychecks and live a full life.

Fucking pussy. Fuck you. Eldest, little eldest, you have a tiny fucking dick.

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Your chance to redeem real prizes is just a spin away. Care to join me? Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. Voidware prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Play a fucking call or I will make you suck my dick and balls. Javi, Otis, esteemed guest, thanks for taking my call. I'm 31 years old. Just for context, I am married and my wife is about two years old.

Have our first child in a month and a half. So my life is heading in a very positive direction. Good for you. That's just a little bit of context. The real problem is that I have this close friend. He was a groomsman at my wedding. He's a best friend, really. And he is a former heroin addict who has been clean, or so I thought, for about a decade. And in talking with him on the phone last week, I learned that

He just kind of dropped the news on me that he is addicted to Xanax. He's been taking about 32 milligrams a day. And he doesn't want to tell his parents because he's afraid he'll give them a heart attack and put them in an early grave. He doesn't want to go to rehab.

for the same reason. He doesn't want to derail his life. He's got this new job on the horizon that he's excited about starting. He can't afford to derail things by going to rehab. The problem is my life has moved in a positive direction. Yeah, that's a smart way to look at it. I live like a thousand miles away from this guy. I'm in New Orleans. He's in Austin. He really leaned heavily on me through calls and texts for emotional support.

and kind of just to like dump his woes on me. And I don't know how to set up a boundary with this guy. I was there for him a decade ago when he was strung out on heroin. I'm trying to be there for him now, but I just don't know when to say when because the calls are pretty constant. And I'm sober, have been for a couple years now,

He's all fucked up and I just don't know where to draw the line. I love him to death, but I don't want him to die and I don't want to abandon him. So any advice would be very helpful. Oh, man. Thanks. Love you. Peace. This is crazy. You're not going to abandon him. And also, he's put... Yeah. He's guilting you, essentially. Yeah, he's putting you in this position. You have a fucking kid. I mean, by the way, he said his kid's coming in a month, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. This is going to take care of itself because when your fucking kid is born, there's no way you're answering this fucking junkie's calls. You're immediately going to be like, I actually don't care if he dies. Yeah, yeah. You're not... You're fucking... You're blocking this fucking guy. You're like, I have to, like, look out for my son. If this dude's not going to rehab, it's like, okay, well, that's the answer. You got to go to rehab. Because I'm afraid my parents are going to get a heart attack. Shouldn't have gotten addicted to drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It fell apart. It's like... It's like I have...

I had diarrhea down my leg, but I can't get in your pants. Yeah. It's like, well, okay, just walk around with shit in your pants then. It's like, what the fuck? It happened. The thing, the bad thing happened. Rehab isn't the bad thing. You've done the bad thing by taking drugs again. My mom's going to cry. Yeah. And if this guy got a good job, he can do it again if he gets clean. Like, it'll be fine, but he's got to go to rehab.

And I get where our caller's coming from because imagine being in this kind of friendship and like, clearly he cares about this person. Clearly they've been through a lot. Our caller is also sober. He's going in the right... And I can assume that there's almost like survivor's guilt when you're the kind of person who's gotten out of that life. Your life is together. You have a family. You're feeling good. And you feel bad about this guy, but you also...

At this point, dude, it's not even about you anymore. This is... Even if you called us and you were 25, freshly sober, I would say like, hey, man, you got to peel away a little bit, but ultimately it's your decision. This is your life. Now you got a fucking kid coming. You can't do anything that puts you in like a weird spot with your own sobriety. You know what I mean? Not that he's even said that, but it's like...

I don't know, all that stress of like a family and your friend relapsing. It's like that on yourself, right? Yeah. It's like, what if that leads you to fucking relapsing? And then you fucking what? You're trying to get clean while you have a newborn. That's tough, bro. So yeah, this guy's in denial about his, his thing. He's got to go to rehab. He's got to stop this because I got a little, here's the thing. When you start taking pills, you don't,

Casually start rolling it back. Right. Typically, those MGs don't start going down. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you don't stay at Xanax either. Xanax turns into fucking like... Percocet. Percocet, which then just goes into... Clonopin. Becomes heroin. I mean, you get back to the opioids and it's like you're back to just doing fucking heroin. So...

You you're about to have a kid and all you can do is be like, dude, my wife is fucking eight months pregnant. And then once you have a newborn and a job, you just straight up won't have time. Right. Mike, you're you. Your kid's pretty young. But like, what's it like when he's like a newborn? You don't have time for shit, do you? You have a little more time because you can carry him around places. Right. So you got like maybe a year where you can put your kid in the carrier. But then once you go down. Yeah. Yeah.

go, you know, bail your friend out of jail. Right, right, right. With a Bjorn on? Go pay the hooker that your friend... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But dude, I don't know, man. It's like, we feel for you, obviously, because this is difficult and it's like one of his best friends. Like, I keep... Every time somebody says that, it's like I think about like, what if Elvis was this fucking strung out? Like, that would be harder than some theoretical guy who's on drugs. Like, I get why that's difficult. But this is someone that like...

let's be honest, seems to be taking a lot more from you than he's giving, right? Like, it's not a two-way... This relationship isn't a two-way street. And you've got a fucking family, dude. You're about to have a fucking kid. I get that he was a groomsman. I get that you feel bad about this stuff. But you can't jeopardize the nice path that you're on. And all you can say is like, hey, man, I really think you need to go to fucking rehab, which he needs to do. Because...

It's just like the idea that he's going to keep this awesome job and get it together at a later time is kind of crazy. And yeah, he's just going to have to figure it out. Yeah, you're not going to be able to answer all these calls once this kid comes. And like, even if the guy does die, which would be horrible.

It's still not your fault. Yes. Yeah. Worst case scenario, which is like bad shit happening. This is not your fault at all. It's like you're both grown men. You've you've taken responsibility for your shit. We're not judging. You know, nobody is judging fucking substance abuse. But it's like he's got it. He's got to take a little responsibility here and he's got to do it on his own. And it would be different if you also got something out of this relationship. But, you know.

Maybe he's just looking out for like it's like a little bit of a cry for help shit But it's like eventually it's gonna get worse whether you like it or not And it's like even if you were this guy's caretaker He probably would go down a bad path cuz like I know in my own I've never been that this fucking bad But it's like when you let a little when you peek in it's hard to get it under control again It isn't wanna go to rehab. Okay, go to fucking na and

Like, what the fuck? Something. He's got to do something. He's got to go to somewhere where they have, I mean, those programs are support systems. Get a fucking sponsor. That's exactly, this is like classic sponsor stuff of like, call me if you're ever thinking about using. That's what he needs to do. You have to push him towards that. And by the way, you're doing the right thing for him by saying that because you're preparing him for the reality of you when you have a fucking newborn. Right.

Right. There's no way you're going to be present in his life. And it gives you like a, a, an out where you can almost say like, Hey man, I love you. I'm worried about you. I know I'm not going to be able to be there for you the way I used to be because I have a fucking kid on the way. And by the way, if this guy makes us think about that, then you tell him to fuck off. Then that's, that actually helps you because then you just fucking block his number and tell him to go fuck himself being that selfish that he thinks his life is more important than a fucking little baby's life. Yeah.

You nutted in a woman nine months ago, and that fucking nut is about to fucking come to fruition. Right. So anyway, that sucks, though. Fucking sucks when your friends relapse. Yeah, your wife's about to push a baby out of her pussy here. Yeah, exactly. Exactamundo.

So yeah, good luck. Hope this guy gets his shit together. I hope this guy's alive in August when this comes out. This seems pretty urgent of a call. He's going to have to wait months to get his drug-addicted friends. Well, this would have been good news yesterday. Called relatively soon. My dad's taking a bunch of hostages. If you're looking for timely advice, this is not the show for you. Right, right, right.

You got something fun for us, Eldis? Something fun to take us out? Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldis. This isn't exactly a question, but could use a little bit of help with dealing with it. I heard on your guys' podcast a little while ago, a guy was talking about how his stepsister wanted to fuck him. And... Sagalos. Yeah, I can kind of relate to that story because when I was 17, my stepsister wanted to fuck me and...

Not gonna lie, I fucking went through with it. Nice. Although it probably wasn't the greatest decision, it was kind of fucking awesome. Hell yes, I love this. However, at the time, I didn't know that she was going to be my step-sister. My dad and her mom were just dating, and she asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I was like, you know how that goes, anyway. Sure.

I don't know what that guy did in his situation, but what I did was just go ahead and have a little fun, you know, fucking live a little. Although now it's kind of awkward at the family reunions and shit. I don't know what to do about that awkwardness besides just kind of, you know, forget about it. I don't know. Yeah.

Fuck it out. Nice, dude. Well, that's a cool call. Yeah. To brag about fucking not even your stepsister, but a girl that was your dad's girlfriend's daughter. This is like best case scenario for life. Like you fuck some hot chick that's like now your stepsister, which is kind of hot. Yeah. And she's always going to be there. So that pussy's always going to be there. And you're not. Yeah. You're not regular. Yeah.

Blood related, so it's not weird or whatever. When you go home for Thanksgiving, you got something kind of lined up. Yeah, you got pussy at home. Well, it doesn't seem like they're continuing to fuck. It seems like they fucked once and then kind of elapsed. I don't even understand why there's awkwardness. Sorry, not to be, you know, non-empathetic. No, but it's like, let's say, okay, so they weren't stepbrother, stepsister, right? It was like some...

Her mom was dating his dad and they fucked, right? Right. And then it's like, all right, that was fun, but we're both 17 and we're not compatible. We're just like horny and we fucked and it's like we should probably whatever. It's not something that I'm interested in. And then your parents get married and then it's like imagine somebody you just kind of fucked when you were 17 and you just like run into them and maybe they're dating other people. You know what I mean? There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't fuck your stepsister. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I would have fucked at my parents' wedding. Are you kidding? This is like dream scenario. Man, we really got bad Brandon on the podcast today. I like this. I actually, I'm with him on this one a little bit. Much more so than the diner. Fuck your employees. The theme of this episode for me is get pussy while you can. All right.

Okay, get pussy anywhere you can, anyhow you can. Get pussy while you can. The pussy scavenger, yeah. Yeah, the ghost of pussy past, Brendan Sagalow. Get it now before they make a law against this. It's not even illegal. Well, it's not in the law books. Seriously. Fuck now. It's not even illegal to do this. You haven't broken a law. Forget the difference between morality and illegality. That doesn't matter.

They're going to introduce a bill in three years that says you can't fuck your stepsister. Just don't come in her. Yeah, that's true. Well, but even then, you're not related. But even then, it doesn't matter. No, I'm sort of... I'm busting your balls about the other one, obviously, but this one, it's like... Step shit is like...

What? It's supposed to be my fucking fault. I'm a horny whatever, and you couldn't make it work with my mother, so now I can't fuck this lady's daughter? Right. That's not on me. That's on you for not being a good husband in the first place. Right. If anything, it's kind of good because you're keeping stuff in the family. You're like, you know, no strangers. That's a great point. You fucked my mom. I can't fuck your daughter? Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Fuck my mother. Exactly. So, yeah, man, he didn't really have a question. He was more just kind of bragging about getting pussy, which respect. Yeah. You know, we like to end the episodes with some fun calls, and that was pretty fun. This Canadian guy who fucked his stepsister, and now just it's a little awkward at Christmas. But, hey, he got pussy.

That's cool, I guess. And it's not going to be the last time you guys fuck. You don't think so? No way. If you fuck somebody, and if she's hot, and you guys had fun, like, yeah, there's going to be a Christmas where you... What if they're both in relationships for the rest of eternity? Well, you know what I'm talking about. If they happen to be single, sure. If you happen to be single. The original call he's referring to, it was...

The lady was cheating. Yeah. The lady, the daughter was cheating on the mom that was dating the dad. You are right though, Brendan, in that it is this fucked up like gray area that makes it hotter. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it does, like the fact that it's a little, like things you're not supposed to do, but they're not wrong. Right.

That is hot. Like when you fucking ex and it's like, this is a bad idea. Or a cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Settle down. The Italian... Finally, the Italian comes to weigh in on fucking your cousin. Yeah. Now you and Brendan have switched roles. It's not a league. She looking like my grandma. She looking like my nonna. It just... It has...

I will tell you one time when I was like 14, I gave my cousin a little back massage. Nice. It was nice. Yeah. That might have been the best boner I've ever had.

Gotta respect that, dude. You know, if you guys were in the old country, that night would have ended differently. Yeah. This should be a question of how am I not supposed to want to fuck her all the time? That should be the conflict. I'd be your husband instead of that black guy she married. Yeah.

And which one's really worse, if you think about it, guys? Right. Come on. They're both not natural, but one, at least you keep it in the family. Wow.

It's both an abomination, but at least I get to fuck my cousin. At least you'll go to heaven. At least you'll get to go to heaven with a voucher. The Pope can sign something that says you're good, but a black guy. Yeah, he's like, no stepsister of mine is going to fuck a bullion. All right, so yeah, man, congratulations. You fucked your stepsister.

That's going to do it for us, folks. Fellas, thank you. Thanks for coming on the pod. This was very fun. This was so fun. Listen to both of the pods. Watch both specials. Brendan's out just recently. Racine's been out for a while. Very funny.

I'm normal. Go see it. I'm on Instagram. It's going to be called Instagram too, right? You want to plug those? Yeah, Instagram, Twitter, all that shit. YouTube, it's going to probably be up on YouTube. It's called Thin Lips, I think. Thin Lips. Yeah. I guess they're kind of thin. Well, I did a... Somebody... It's a part of a joke. Sure.

That's all right, man. Yeah, check out Thin Lips, if that's what it's called. If that's what it's called, yeah. And watch it on YouTube if that's where it is. We're months before it comes out. We're taking the summer off. This guy's sister is dead and the guy's friend is in rehab. We love you. Thanks for listening and we'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye.

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