I Thought Marriage Would Fix My Lust Problem . . . It Didn’t
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Coming up on The Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I let down this wall that I've built between me and my wife connecting on an intimate level, letting go of my desire for lustful connection elsewhere? I do desire connection and that is available with her. So the intimacy you're seeking is hidden beneath the secrets you're keeping.

What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? This is the Dr. John Deloney show. I'm so glad you're with us. You're probably like, I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm listening. Well, I'm glad that you are here with us. Either listening or watching the show on YouTube.

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And let's roll out to Orlando, Florida and talk to Balake. Hey, Blake, what's up, man? Balake, yeah. Not the first time I've heard that one. I'm sure. I'm sure. Hey, the last show started with A.A. Rod, man. This is going to be perfect. Yeah, so what's up?

Um, so I'll just read you my question. Um, it's how do I let this wall that I've built up between me and my wife connecting on an intimate level down? And it is connection that I do desire and is available with her. Um, but also while letting go of my desire for lustful connection elsewhere. Hmm. Tell me more. Um,

I mean, I feel like I could sit here and tell you... Like, lustful connection? Like, you want to sleep with other people? Maybe not quite to that degree, but I mean... You just find other people sexually attractive? Yes, but I mean, I feel like my thoughts get, I mean, even deeper than that. It's a lot of curiosity, I think. So, I mean, for example, if...

I found somebody attractive and I felt like they gave me like a glimpse of they may be somewhat attracted to me. Like there's a part of me that wants to entertain it. Um, that would make you normal. Like if, if I see somebody who's attractive and they're,

They either direct and say, I think you look handsome or you look great. Or I can tell just with that glint in their eye. And by the way, I'm one of the worst on planet earth at telling that I'm the worst, but that's supposed to feel good. Yeah. I would be something dysfunctional in me if I did not feel good. What comes next is, do I decide to meditate on that?

and invent scenarios in my mind where we engage in hooking up and making out and sleeping together and doing all, what all kind of just going on a rabbit hole. Right. And I think that's where I have found myself. You know, I do, my imagination goes down that rabbit hole. Okay. So that's you imagining that you're sleeping with other people or wanting to hook up other people. I guess so. Not guess. So just like, so,

I'm leading you in a particular direction because good for you. You're not the first guy I've talked to about this. Talked to countless guys. But you have to take 1,000% full ownership of this thing. Yeah. Front stop, Mike. I like being in the presence of beautiful women, and I like feeling noticed, and I like feeling attractive, and I like feeling like they would be interested in me, and then I like fantasizing about furthering that connection.

You have to take full ownership of that. Can you do that? Yeah, I can. I mean, I'm pretty, uh, I feel like I try to live my life without making excuses and just calling a spade a spade. So yeah. Okay. Now, how long have you been married? Uh, four years coming up on four years. Does your wife know that you like to flirt or that you, um, love it when other people think you're attractive?

Um, no. I mean, and that's, I don't even really flirt. You know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't, I don't engage in that. I think it's just, you know. So the intimacy you're seeking is hidden beneath the secrets you're keeping. So you think I should tell her? I would not. There's got to be some lead into this. If you just sit down after dinner tonight, like, by the way, you know what I love to do? Fantasize about sleeping with your friends.

Like, nope, not going to go well. And I wouldn't recommend that conversation like that. Right. But y'all have created a relationship where she doesn't fully know you. And I'm a thousand percent confident that you don't fully know her. I agree. And so y'all are living this parallel lives. And my guess is you thought that actually having someone that would have sex with you would solve all of this, didn't you? For sure. And it probably made it worse. Yeah. Is your wife the only person you've ever been with?

Um, when I was like 19, um, there was one other girl. Okay. So how long have you, do you struggle with pornography? Um, I have in the past. Um, I've got a accountability partner now. Um, and you know, I'm, I'm wishy-washy on that because I've, it's, it's been a struggle in the past, but for like the past month, it's actually been very well. So. Okay. Um,

I feel like there's something else here or maybe not. Maybe I'm like, what is it about? Have you and your wife ever like just in a moment of like getting to know each other and, and I'm trying to think of like creating a, um, an atmosphere of arrows of desire in your marriage. Hey, go ahead. No, I don't. I was just going to answer your question. I don't really think so. Like,

You're talking about like kind of spontaneous? No, I mean, spontaneousness and playfulness, that's a part of healthy sexuality. Right. But I'm thinking beneath that, like if y'all have never talked about like, what's like your wildest fantasy with me? What's like the outfit that you could just imagine that I come in wearing that you would die laughing and then the outfit you would love for me to walk in wearing one day? Like what are smells and sensations that get you fired up?

What are like, you see what I'm saying? Like we're, we're edging into, I want to learn about you. Yeah. Not just, Hey, it's Wednesday. We have, um, missionary sex. We both punch our card. I want more. She wants the last. Let me go about our day. Cause that's just the way marriage is. What a horrific life to live.

Yeah. But it starts with, and here's the deal. You start having, it starts in your head, then it goes to the computer, and then it gets recursive, which just means it goes back and forth and back and forth, and it creates its own energy. And you are on a pile of dry kindling, and I'm telling you right now, one day somebody's going to come by and drop a match on that, which will be somebody at work that texts you back, and she's hilarious, and she thinks you're real funny.

Right. And then you text her back and then y'all text each other back. I can think on like one hand, the number of guys that I know that were like, I'm going to go have an affair. Yeah. Almost everyone I talked to is like, dude, I don't know how we ended up in this hotel. Yeah. Do you have somebody that you're already texting back and forth with? No, I don't. Okay.

Well, but I do want to add that is something I have done in the past. So, you know, I want to be upfront about that. So you kind of know where I'm coming from. Tell me about it. It was actually an ex-girlfriend and it was exactly what you said. I believe that, you know, and without being naive to it, I knew there was a risk, but

Um, she texted me and said she thought she saw me and, you know, no, you didn't see me. It was out of town, whatever. And one thing led to another. And then we started talking more regularly, whatever. Um, and that was when I was maybe 19, 20 years old. And I was with, uh, I've been with my wife since I was 16. So, um,

Um, it was during the time of dating my wife. You've been with her when you were 16, but you hooked up with somebody else when you were 19? Right. Does she know you hooked up with somebody else? Yes, she does. Okay. Um, so y'all were together. So you cheated on your 19? Yes. Okay. So you've got a history. Right. My question for you, I guess, ultimately is, um, you're not alive in your own life. What are things that make you come alive? Why are you settling for less than?

And you're settling for imaginary life. Well, it'd be an example. I don't know if I fully understand. When's the last time you and your wife just went on a long hike and y'all laughed so hard you had to double over because you couldn't breathe? Yeah, probably. When's the last time you walked in the bedroom and your wife just flashed you? Right. When's the last time you sent flirty texts? Do you have kids?

No, not yet. When's the last time you just went and did the dishes? Yeah. Like Eros, like a house of we're cultivating desire in this house. It's a playful home. It's a laughter filled home. It's not just a texting and watching Netflix home. Yeah. It's a, hey, I've got this crazy fantasy that I'm never going to do, but I got to say it out loud. And y'all have a relationship where she can be like, all right, let me hear it.

And then it gets curious, not judgmental. Like, all right, so I need to know, like, what about that sounds because there's so much trust in the bounds of that relationship. Yeah. Yeah. I liked the way you said cultivating desire. And, and like I said, from the start, you know, I,

I struggle letting her see that side of me of, you know, where I, I want, you know, we are an intimate moment, maybe not sex specifically, but you know, I'm just looking at her and I feel inside, like, I just want to look her in the eyes and grab her face and say, I love you. But like, why don't you, why don't you, I don't know. I don't, it's so hard for me. I don't know. Okay. That's, that's where the challenge is because the chief, I mean, the chief, the cheap dime store substitute is pornography. Okay.

The cheap dime store, like not even dime store, the cheap nickel store substitute is just sitting around fantasizing in your head and then masturbating and then calling it a day and moving on your life. It makes sense. Not having this home that is just pulsing with laughter and love. By the way, don't throw two kids in that. Of course it waxes and wanes. It's hard. Right.

But I can't think of anything more fun and more challenging and more that pushes my buttons in the good ways and the bad ways, the hard ways, like cultivating desire with deadlines and work and children and kids and school schedules. But we are going to continue to scratch and claw at cultivating desire here. And it changes over time. And by the way, I'll point the finger at you. Dude, if you ever feel like you want to grab your wife

By the face and look her in the eye and say, I love you and give her a kiss and you hesitate, bro, you got to dig into that. Yeah. And she has created a world where you couldn't in a million years. Have you ever heard of the Dr. John Deloney erotic envelope system? No, I haven't heard. It's amazing. It's absolutely free. Do you want a copy of it?

Yeah, I'd love that. All right. All you have to do is this. I'm not even going to give it to you because I don't have anything to give. It's kind of a joke. Go to Walgreens and get an envelope. It costs eight cents. And then you write five to ten things that you want to try, and you put it in that envelope, and she writes five to ten things you want to try, and you put it in that envelope. And commit to once a week, once a month, whatever. We're going to randomly draw something out of that envelope. Okay.

We're going to either try it or if you or her is like, I don't know how this is physically possible. Y'all have to, with curiosity, talk about it. Right. And often the conversation just talk. Okay. Why would you be into this? Like, what is the thing about it? Like, I don't know. Just like that conversation in and of itself is erotic. Yeah. Or it causes you to be like, Ooh, am I talking about that? And then that is where you're holding secrets. And that is what we got to explore. Yeah.

Okay. And by the way, just let me tell you, I did this. We've done this several times over the course of our marriage, but we did this once. And the first one I drew out, you know what it was? 30 minutes of fringe kissing. And I looked at my wife and I was like, are you for real? And she said, it started a whole conversation about, dude, we were in college. We used to just kiss. We'd hold hands and just kiss. And it reminded her of a time when I wasn't so burdened down by work and there weren't kids everywhere and I was free and I would just...

randomly kiss her and it didn't have to be this big product. And so she painted an entire picture of laughter and joy and free and back and forth. And it wasn't some exotic sex act. It was way deeper than that. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so deciding we're going to do these little things. So to answer your question, yes,

I think it's important that couples trust each other enough and default to curiosity 99% of the time and judgment 1% of the time and build a world where we can talk about just about anything. And you dude have to have the discipline that if,

One of her friends raises her eyebrow at you or somebody at work texts you and you think, I can't wait to text them back. You have to have the discipline to stop. And that might mean that I'm going to have an image or a picture or a thought of my wife that when I say no, I'm not having that – I'm not entertaining this thought. I'm not going down the rabbit hole of this fantasy, but I will think of this.

That's discipline. And by the way, over time, if you create eros in your home, if you create playfulness and joy in your house and sensuality in your interactions, then doing the dishes becomes a gift at the altar of desire for your marriage.

filling up your wife's car with gas on Sunday night so that she has the whole week, right? That becomes a gift on the altar of this relationship. It's not just about, hey, what are you wearing? And by the way, what are you wearing comes up a lot more when those kind of things, but that's about sitting down and going, okay, what are brakes and what are gas pedals? Okay. How about this?

I want you and your wife to read the book. Um, come as you are by Emily Nagoski. I want y'all to read it together. It's a book. It's a book written to women. Um, but I have found men all over the country going, dude, I had no idea. It's, it was so instructive and helpful. So I want y'all to read that book together. Have her read a chapter ahead. Cause she might say, yeah, we're not talking about this. And then we're going to have y'all going to have that conversation. Okay. I'll do that. Is that fair?

Yeah. I appreciate that. Stop with the, well, you know, it's been a good month. Just stop looking at pornography, dude. Just stop. Yeah. Just stop. Yeah. And if you can't, or if you find yourself, dude, I'm just locked in, then dig to the underneath. What is it about the world you have created where I've got to have some sort of escape from it? I've got to, I've created a life that I don't feel alive. And this is just a cheap hit of aliveness. Yeah.

Because I want people, individuals and couples, and I want people to build aliveness. Because it's that scrolling, that numb, dead-eyed, it's just the way life is, that I just rail against because it's not true. Yes, life is boring. Yes, life is repetitive. Yes, life is ugh. And then we get to make choices. Hopefully that was helpful, brother.

I want you to change the entire spirit of your household and have your wife call me. If y'all want to both call me together and we can walk through some things together, go for it. But don't ever not look at your wife if you feel like, I just want to look her in the eye and kiss her and tell her I love her. Do that. Do that. We'll be right back. All right, we have to talk about the greatest sleep innovation since the invention of the mattress. I'm talking about 8Sleep.

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All right, let's go out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Amelia. Not Bedelia, just Amelia. What's up, Amelia? Hi, how are you? Excellent. How are you? I'm good. What's up? Thank you for taking my call. You got it. I'm really excited. What's going on? Well, my question is kind of divided into three parts, but it pertains to the same situation. Okay.

And I can do a backstory, quick one, after I ask my questions. All right, go for it. Okay, how can I support my husband through his random career change? I don't even know. This is going to be awesome. So you're a huge fan of his career change. You're super behind it. All right, keep going. And how can I emotionally support him when he's closed off?

And how can I communicate with him when he's being more receptive? Yeah, backstory me here. Yes. Okay. So last year, my husband got a job that he's been manifesting for a very long time. Does he have a vision board? In his head.

Yeah. I bet he has a very elaborate Pinterest account. All right. So go for it. Go ahead. Okay. So my husband got a job that he's been wanting for a very long time. And he was really happy. And then shortly after starting that job, he realized he didn't like it. But he decided to stick through it because he felt like it would just get better.

And I started realizing that it was affecting his mood a lot. He started coming home really cranky and it was affecting his mental health. And after almost two years of being in that job, he decides he's going to get another one.

And so he told me last week he was going to apply for new jobs. And I said, great, you know, and I didn't really ask about it after. And then I needed the computer and I saw that he applied to be a police officer. But that was all he applied for. He didn't apply for any other electrical jobs, nothing. Which is why I call it the random career change because...

Um, it almost feels like a midlife crisis. Like it just, it just feels out of nowhere. And it's not that I don't want to support him because I think he would be amazing being a police officer, but, um, he's kind of stuck with that and that's what he wants to do. And it's, um, I'm a little bit confused. What are you confused about? He told you for two years that this job is killing him. Yes. Um,

It's just that he never went to school for to be a police officer. He has no training in it. It's just suddenly police officer. So I'll tell you on the side of, I'm confident this is the same with women, but I'm not a woman, so I can't speak to it like I can on the man side. There is a deep amount of shame when you, I'll just say with me, I finished a PhD in a particular field.

I made my way to the top of that field. I've got two kids. And I knew, A, this field is about to implode on itself. And I can't continue to be the husband and dad that I want to be. I have some broader scope challenges with this job that I'm not going to talk about publicly. Honey, I got to go get some more training and do something different. Yeah. I felt such a profound sense of shame.

Such a profound sense of embarrassment. I'd made it. I'd got what I wanted. And I knew how disruptive it would be to go back to school to get more training to my wife, to my kids, to my relationships. And by the way, it was. It was disruptive to all of that. And in a million billion years, I would never have predicted that this many years later, I'd be doing what I'm doing now. Transform my entire family's everything.

Yeah. But if y'all don't have a regular practice of you sitting down and holding his hands and him knowing there is not a thing in the world, I'll never call you crazy, what's in your heart and mind, then he's going to make decisions in a vacuum. Yeah. This sounds to me like either he is incredibly evasive and he knew you would react poorly. I mean, I'm sorry, he's incredibly evasive and is just rude, right? Mm-hmm. Or...

He didn't have the language or avenue to speak in a way that you wouldn't react. I don't like that. I don't want you to do that. Why haven't you been doing this? Which is a judgment, not curiosity. And I promise you he's judging himself enough. Yeah. Which comes to my next part of my question. Okay. So when, usually when he's trying to deal with things on his own and he's been like this since we first met, he likes to sort of sweep things under the rug.

and kind of handle things on his own. But we've been together for a very long time and that never works. And I don't like to fight. I don't like to argue. I just like to sit and talk about things. And I think if it wasn't for me constantly pushing him to talk about our problems, our problems would have never been fixed. And when he- I want you to personalize it. Yes. Here's what I mean.

There's some common marriage advice that says if there's a problem, both of you sit on the same side of the table and it's us versus this problem. I think that works sometimes. But I think, like you said, it sweeps the personhood of each of you under the – it just sweeps it off the table. And just solving the problem is a very masculine way of dealing with the world.

And so there's something about you going to the other side of the table and looking at him and saying, I feel loved when you tell me what you're worried about. I feel very unsafe when I know you're making big decisions and you don't include me in the conversation. I don't feel loved when you are about to change our entire family's ecosystem and you don't at least sit me down or sit down with me and tell me what's going on in your heart and mind and soul.

I love you to the moon and back, and I'll be behind you 1,000%, but I feel unloved and unsafe when you just drop these grenades on me. That's different than, what do you mean you're applying to be a cop? You've been working for the—that's a totally different thing because now we're talking about the problem. The problem is you didn't tell me. The problem is you're applying for this. The problem is I don't want to be a cop's wife. The problem is it's not I feel less safe because you are making decisions in a vacuum.

You see the difference there? One of them is really a powerful invitation to connect with me, and the other is you did this, and I'm doing that, and you did this, and so I'm doing that. Yes, but I never reacted badly to him being a cop. I was supportive about it. But you're hurt by it. I'm just confused. What are you confused about? It makes sense what you're saying, and I get it, but I think he just wanted something different.

And I can respect that because... Go deeper. Not just I want something different. This other job was killing me. Yeah. And I saw it every day. And I still see it every day. Have you told him? Of course. Have you told him I'm so proud of you? Yes. For changing jobs? All the time. Okay, so why are you confused? I'm missing something. I'm not doing a good job of hearing. I guess I'm just not... I don't know. Are you scared of him becoming a police officer? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Are you scared? Are you scared of people in your community being like, oh my gosh, your husband's a cop? No, because I couldn't care less. Okay. It's just, I always felt, because when I think of police officer, I'm like, that's dangerous. It's very dangerous. But then...

And I think that's because we have kids. And I don't know. I think that's really the only thing that's worrying me about it is that I think it's really dangerous. And that's the only reason why I don't like it. Okay. Well, I think that sense of honesty and safety is important to put out on the table because what you don't want to become is him.

The thing that frustrates you about this guy is how much you love him and how much he feels like he has to make decisions by himself in a vacuum and how much he holds things back. And if you are fully supportive of him taking a new job, taking a radical career change because you see what his current job is doing to him. Oh, yeah. And he takes a new job and your first thing is, well, that's random. Why are you doing that? You manifested this other job. Do you see the cognitive dissonance there?

And beneath that, if the core reason, that core feeling is a sense of, I'm so proud of you for taking yourself into account, taking our family into account, and I am scared to death. You just picked the most dangerous job. Oh my gosh. Every day you're going to go to work, you're going to put on a bulletproof vest, and I'm going to be scared you're not going to come home. Let's put that on the table. Every couple who goes through these communication challenges, here's what I'm always going to tell you.

Similar, just thinking about like a basketball player that's struggling with making free throws. You have to make practicing a priority, however uncomfortable it is. Let's get together on the calendar once a week and let's talk about money. Let's talk about how can I love you this week, like the calendar and how can I show up for you? And then the third thing is let's talk about here's just some feelings I'm having. The more I'm considering your job as a police officer, the prouder of you I am.

That you're getting out of this job and the more terrified and becoming that I'm going to lose my husband in the line of duty. Put that on the table. I'm trying to find ways to have you connect with me and not make decisions in a vacuum and I'm not doing a good job. Can you tell me why, what I'm doing so that I can make it easier for you to talk to me? Because you got to talk to me. Those are very different conversations and you'll have to practice that regularly. And he can go, oh gosh, we have another talking conversation. Yes.

And the more you have them, actually, the shorter they get and the more direct they get and the more safe they get. And the safer they get, the more they happen. It just happens in this big loop. This one's tough, Amelia, because I know your feelings on it are heavy and deep and so are his. And you're both going to just have to choose to do something very different, which is he's going to have to choose to speak. Here's what I actually feel. And for many millions of men, that's not a safe conversation to have. Brene Brown talks really eloquently about this.

that often the women in a man's life would rather them just go out on their shield than talk about things they're scared about. Men learn that and they have to have a place where they can safely say, I'm working on it, but I'm scared about this. I'm taking steps, but I'm not okay. And everybody in the family has to be able to sit in that tension. And then he's got to go do the next right thing. I statements are,

Give them a path to love you and give them a path to helping you feel safe. And remember the secrets will kill you. And put this stuff on the calendar and let's start practicing. That's your path forward, Amelia. And it's not sexy and it's not going to be fun, but it will lead to relational healing if y'all go for it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing and how are we going to pay for all this and on and on and on.

And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.

you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but can also help make the rest of your life possible.

When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.

With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

All right, let's go out to Evansville, Indiana and talk to Ronnie. Hey, Ronnie, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going? Outstanding. What's up with you? Oh, just working. It's an absolute honor to get to speak with you. It's an honor to talk to you, brother. How can I help, man? Okay, my question is, how do I best manage my time between my full-time job, my side business, and my family?

I think out of the gate, you have to let go of the illusion that there's a way this is all going to work out every day in a sustainable way. Yeah. Tell me about your job. What do you do for a living? Well, I'm a heavy equipment operator.

Mostly do dirt work. That's my full-time job. I do about 40 hours a week. Okay. What's your side hustle? Well, I started, it was just a side hustle. And then I, then I created the business out of it where I do, I build fences and decks and I do bathroom remodels, landscaping, uh, a blanket of different things. Um, and the past few months have been rather hectic because, you know, my that's picked up quite a bit. I've got a few big jobs that I've done and it's,

So after work, I'll get off at two or three, and then I'll go work on my side jobs for three or four hours. And then, you know, I'm exhausted by the time I get home. Sure. Are you building something? Are you paying off debts? What's the purpose of starting a new business? Well, I've listened to Dave Ramsey and you quite often, and I would like to get to the point where I can quit my full time and run my business.

That way I can be my own boss and try to build the best life for my family that I can. But my wife is due in like two or three weeks with our baby. And we're working on paying off debt, but I put that on pause to stack a little bit of money up to save for her being off work. Okay, that's the right thing to do.

So the question you have to ask yourself is how long are you going to give this side business a run before either A, you call it, or B, you've built up enough capital to jump. You've built up enough business, enough reputation, enough money to make the leap. Yeah. So my goal is to, if I can make the same I'm making in my full-time job and then still have at least six months, eight months saved up,

To make that leap. Okay. Do you have that dollar amount written down? I do not. Okay. I want you to start writing this stuff down. It's just floating in your head and it's floating in your wife's head and then the phone rings and you take another job. Yes. And then it's floating in your head and then an old job calls back and says, hey, you need to come re-grout this thing and you go back over there and then somebody calls and says, hey, I got another job and you're like, oh, sweet. I need that $6,000. And then she says, I'm pregnant. And it all just gets to be a lot. And then your day job, you keep going to every day, right? Yeah.

Yeah. So here's a good example. Um, a guy that used to do social media with me, actually he did it for me. I didn't, I don't know how to do any of this stuff. Him and a couple of other buddies made a, they made a bet. The first one to a hundred thousand dollars in our side business wins. Well, he looked up and did that like an eight months or something. And he realized, dude, I'm on a, sitting on a gold mine here. Oh, he's so incredible at what he does.

And so he decided to go on his own, and he's just done extraordinary. But it started with a very clear number written down, a couple of guys holding him accountable, and then a month-by-month documenting. And the leap was really rocky. It was tough. The first four, five, six months was wobbly. And that wobbly, man, makes you get on the phone. It makes you do excellent work. It makes you hire correctly. Yeah.

Because now you realize, oh, dude, I'm all that's between me and my family going hungry. Yeah. But a lot of dudes in your case, they see the checks. They see those big construction checks, and they see their tiny little piece of that, and they see how hard they're working day in and day out in the summer, in the winter, moving dirt.

or laying sod or laying pipe or doing electrical work or whatever. And so it's natural to go, well, if I just own this whole thing, then I can keep all that money. And the natural thing is, well, I'm gonna start kicking something up on the side. And you look up 10 years later and your kids are 16 years old and you've missed their whole childhood because you were never aiming at a thing. It just kind of was this, I'm gonna do this until, I'm gonna do this until. And you gotta have a line when you know we've made it or a line when we're gonna call it. Yeah, that definitely makes sense.

And so some people do a side hustle because I got to get out of debt and I've got to get my started. Okay. And then it might be like, Hey, this is really picking up in a really amazing way. Hey honey, for the next six months, I'm going to say yes to too many jobs or Hey honey, we're having a kid. And for the next six months, I'm going to ask you to take fewer jobs. Be very particular about the extra job you take. Cause I need you around here. Yes. Awesome. It's a season.

Yeah, and that's what I had talked to her about, that I only want to do this for a season to make sure we have enough money and for her to be able to be off, you know, as long as she wants to be after she has the baby. You know, it's her first child, so that way she'll have the time, that motherly connection, you know? Sure, but...

Dude, if you don't have a goal written down, that quote-unquote until there's enough money, that finish line will move on you every week of your life. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm at a good – we got plenty saved now. But, yeah, then I got to thinking, you know, if I slow down on my side work, then with her being off, it's going to eat away at what we have saved. Or y'all just don't spend so much. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a me thing, not a her thing. I tend to be the one that spends more money. I would much rather you do take six months to be a present dad. And, I mean, that baby's not going to want to have much to do with you. Could care less about you. Just wants to eat and sleep. But be a present husband over the next six months and stop buying crap.

Yeah. And my other thing is, is I do have three other children from a separate relationship that we have 50% of the time. And, you know, I, like I told her it was only for a season, but yeah,

I don't want it to take a mental toll on the kids because I can feel it on myself. I only have them half the time, and I'm working all day and then after work and on the weekends, so I'm not spending a whole lot of time with them. That's kind of eaten in me, so I can imagine how it makes them feel. Yeah, it's a little bit different, but it's going to be about priorities.

Like, for instance, if you sit down with your kids and say, hey, kids, for the next 12 months, I'm going to work like a maniac because me and your mom, but especially me because of how I spend, I've put our family at risk.

I borrowed money. And so now the bank tells me I have to go to work. The car dealership tells me I have to go to work. The truck that I bought for work and claimed it as a work expense, even though it's $85,000, that finance company tells me I have to go to work and I've put my family at risk. And so the right thing for me to do is to work like mad and y'all are gonna have to see me less. But when I crossed this finish line, y'all are going to get to see me a whole lot more.

Yeah, that's my goal is once I can get steady and go out on my own and make sure all my debt's paid off, then I can manage my time better. Stop spending. Just stop spending. Do jobs with cash. And think of spending money right now as...

Every time you spend money, not on four walls, not on basics, not on food and shelter and clothing and transportation, but every time you buy something else, you are choosing to spend less time with your kids because you got to go work that off. Every time you buy something else, you are choosing to make your wife a little more alone because you got to go work to another hour, another four hours, another nine hours to pay that thing off. That should bring things into focus real quick.

But I talked to a lot of dudes in your case, and here's the thing. There's just a lack of specificity. Be very clear about a budget. How much does it take your family to operate? Be very clear about what am I trying to accomplish with this side hustle? When will I know I need to call it? When will I know I'm ready to jump and make this my full-time job? Be very clear about your calendar. You're having a baby, dude. You got to take your foot off the gas a little bit.

You're having a baby and y'all have chosen for your wife to be a stay-at-home mom. Amazing. That's what some of that savings is for. When it starts being used for that moment, don't get mad about it. It's supposed to. That's the point. If you started leaning your safety onto that, well, that's your issue to work through. Stop buying crap you don't need. You don't need, you don't need, you don't need.

But let's talk specifics and let you and your wife get together and make a plan for the next four months, just four months. And then we're going to make a plan for the next four months after that and a plan for the next four months after that. And then let's decide, okay, when I reach this dollar amount we're in, or I'm just going to lay off all those jobs unless it's just a golden goose opportunity because I'm going to spend some time with my kids. I'm going to spend some time with you because over the long haul, that's going to be more important. If you have a chance to blow this thing out of the water,

and you start getting more bathroom jobs and deck remodeling jobs than you can handle, and the market is telling you, we want more Ronnie, well then put in your two-week notice, man, on the dirt work job and get after it. I'm sure you can move dirt on the weekends or on the side if you need a little bit extra money when you're trying to make more money doing bathrooms and stuff. Let's be specific. Let's be super, super, super clear. And let's partner with our wife to co-create what the next four months are going to look like, the next four months after that.

Go make it happen, man. You're in the right spot. You're in the right place. Just don't for one second think that there's some way I can work a side hustle that I'm trying to turn into a full-time business, work a full-time job, and be fully present with four kids at home. It's not possible. Something's got to give. Balance is a myth. It's not real. Just ask, in this season, what do I need to hit the gas on?

and what is going to come, what cost is that going to cost my family? And then how am I going to put, push the gas on another pedal next season? Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. Something cool that happened. What is it, Taylor? By the way, Kelly's still gone and we're still partying. All right, what's up? All right. So, hey, Deloney Show team. My husband struggles with ADHD, so I usually handle all the full mental load of the house. Meal plans, bedtime for the kids, weekly schedule, planning vacations, etc. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming and sparks arguments. Hold on. I know she's about to say something cool. I may or may not have ADHD, too. You all may have noticed.

And that's not an excuse for me to force my wife to carry the entire load. Continue. All right.

We went on vacation last month and I was dreading figuring out our daily activities. We decided to listen to the most recent episode of your show to pass the time on the road. And the first caller in the episode had a very similar problem in his relationship. John gave the caller great advice about taking initiative and loving your spouse the way they need to be loved. My husband didn't say a word, but proceeded to take initiative the rest of the trip. He made dinner reservations, bought tickets, helped with the kids without being asked.

I felt so loved and since we've been home, he's been even better about noticing when the kitchen is messy. Thank you, John. Dang, dude. All right. So I think this is important. So sometimes somebody can go, A, awesome. Thank you for saying that. And that makes me happy. And I just want to say this. Often you can go to a mental health professional and they give you a diagnosis. You have this.

And it's easy for that to become an identity. But also your spouse can give you that identity. Oh, you just never fill in the blank. You have this. And so I have to carry all the load, which is often code for you don't do it how I like it. So I'm just going to do it and I'm going to complain about how you don't do it.

And there's something about giving your partner permission. Yes, it is harder for me to remember things. That doesn't mean I don't get to just not remember. I have to remember. It doesn't even occur to me. We're leaving town like really soon. And I still don't have a place for my dog. And that was my job. That doesn't mean that I don't have to find a place for the dog. That just means I'm going to have a long evening trying to find a place for that dog. It's still my job. And so it's,

Often when we do both and, you have ADHD, you have OCD, you have anxiety, you have whatever, and you still need to carry your weight around this home, it empowers your partner to step into that. Awesome on all counts. Awesome for him. And who's the author who wrote in? Gabrielle. Gabrielle, awesome for you for letting him

do this in spite of his diagnosis. This is amazing. Good for y'all. Good for y'all. Well, good. That makes me happy. Way to go, everybody. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Be nice to each other. Jenna, I hope you enjoyed your time back here filling in in the old, in your old chair. My old chair. I did miss it. No, you didn't. Not even a little bit. Hmm. Love you guys. See you soon.