I Hit My Boyfriend and I’m So Ashamed 01:06:33

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I literally started hitting him. I talked to him, but he's just, you know what? No, I don't want nothing to do with you. This is it. And we had been together for four years. You can't put your hands on other people. You can't assault people. That's abuse, right? You know that. Your relationship as you knew it was already not what you're pretending it actually was.

What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your emotional health and your relationships and your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the really dark and challenging stuff.

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Alright, let's go out to Riverside, California I was just there the other day And talk to Aurelia What is up, Aurelia? Hello, Dr. John I'm a little nervous, so Oh, I'm really nervous It's all good, we'll be nervous together It's good Yeah, I never thought I would be talking to you I didn't think I would talk to you Did I say your name correctly?

Yeah, you did actually a lot better than a lot of Spanish speakers. All right, go ahead. Um, well, I, I'm going to start with my question because I think it will make me feel a little easy on, um,

I want to know how can I identify the root of my anger? And how can I resolve a conflict that I had with my ex-boyfriend? Let me tell you a little bit more. About a month ago, we had gone out with some friends, went to a concert, and it was pretty, like, let's say, relaxed the majority of the time.

We decided to go to a nightclub. So we went in there and I asked him for his phone. So I was like, can you let me see your phone because I want to take a picture. Mind you, by this, like we both have been drinking like maybe a little more than what we should have. So he gave me his phone. And before I can take a picture or anything, I noticed a man.

a text or let's say like one of the apps, I think it was WhatsApp, a name of a girl. So I asked him, who's this person? Who is it? He wouldn't answer.

He just kind of stayed quiet and looked at me. So I asked him again, like I want to say two or three times. He would not respond. So I just go ahead and give his phone back. I went towards my friends and I told them, I think he's cheating on me. That's it. Then we went a little bit more through the night and...

I was just about to leave the nightclub. Like, it was just, you know what, let's go. I don't want to be here anymore. So my friend and actually one of my sisters was with me. I told them, let's go. So when I was going down the stairs, and this is so strange, like, I literally looked at him and I went for him. Like, I went at him and I told him again. I asked him again who he was.

He wouldn't answer again. And I literally started hitting him. Like, hitting him, like, trying to punch him, like, my fist. Like, it wasn't, I'm going to slap you. Like, I went towards him. Like, I charged at him. Let me, let's put it like that. So...

Obviously, my sister and my friend, they went after me, and they were like, no, stop this. This cannot. Come on, come on, don't do this. So we ended up getting out of the club. He went after me, and I don't know where he ended up until next morning. You said he went after you. Did he hit you back? No, no, no, not at all. He actually didn't try to defend himself. He just, he probably, like, just trying to get out of, trying to get out of...

over, you know? So when...

When I saw that he wasn't there anymore, so he texted me, you know what? This is it. We're not going to be together anymore. You're not going to do this anymore. Trying to say that I was being jealous, that I was being weird, that I was being like this, that I was being like that. So I was like, what is going on? You know, why is this happening? And then I was like, okay, I get it. Like, I understand what you mean. And I decided just,

Text him back. Okay, you're not going to cheat on me again. So the next morning, I went towards his house, or I went to his house, and I talked to him, but he's just, you know what? No, I don't want nothing to do with you. This is it. And we had been together for four years. Do you all have any kids together? No, no, no. I have three kids on my own. He has one, but he's like, it's already 20. Mine are 17, 9, and 8. Okay.

Yeah, we don't. Do you all live together? No, we don't. Okay. So there's a couple of different questions here. One is, what does life look like for you after you put your hands on somebody? Right? Like, what does life look like for you after you physically assault somebody that you love? The second thing is, is what does life look like for you after you are gaslit in a pretty remarkable way? Because if he's cheating on you, he's already out of this relationship as you knew it.

The third thing is you've probably known this for a long time. Okay. There's a gap there and it begins to backfill. Some people backfill that gap, that distance between them and their partner when they know there's something there. Some people backfill that gap by creating their own little universe. Some people backfill that gap with sadness, like with hanging on. And some people backfill that gap with rage and anger.

It just, there's so many different factors that play into that, how people grew up, genetics, all those kinds of things. But it sounds like there was a, like almost a vacuum that got filled up and up and up. Does that excuse your behavior one bit? Not even one iota. You can't put your hands on other people. You can't assault people. That's abuse, right? You know that. Yeah. But your relationship as you knew it was already not what you're pretending it actually was. Fair? Yeah. Well. Has he cheated on you before?

No. And I think that's where my conflict

me wanted to resolve the conflict comes because I actually never, never, never like caught him cheating or anything. So when I asked him who he was, he wouldn't answer or whatever. But then next morning he showed me, he's like, okay, I'm going to show you these, but it's just only for me. He told me that. Um, and I was like, okay. So he pulled out his phone and, um, he shows me the message. Like it's somebody from school and, um,

you can see the messages were like, hi, how you doing? I wanted to see if you can do me a favor. And his answer was like, oh, hi, how you been doing? And that was it. Like, there was nothing else after that. So could it be that you were drunk and you overreacted in a pretty significant way?

Yes. And it just bugs me because I never wanted to be somebody to do that because I was in an abusive relationship for over 13 years with my kids' dad. And I never wanted to be an aggressor to anybody. Sure. And this is like literally killing me inside because from there, like I...

My anxiety went up. Everything has just... Of course. Going all over the place. Obviously, I didn't try to reach out anymore. This whole month, I've been just letting him be. I haven't nothing. Just because I don't want to gaslight or do something else. I just feel like,

That like just stop, just, you know, even make me feel even worse than what I already feel. Sure. Well, I think your feelings right now are right. I think they're right. You became somebody that you swore you would never become. You've been on the other end of the pain you just caused somebody. And so I think the feelings of guilt and of shame and of sadness are right. I think avoiding those isn't the right path forward. I think the right path forward is right through the middle of them.

And the question you have to answer, which goes back to the very first thing you asked me is, how do you deal with that anger that's inside? Where's that coming from? Is it coming from a fear of loneliness? Is it coming from exhaustion? Is it coming from just some rage on some other issues that you've got to deal with? Maybe you haven't fully grieved your first marriage and why that guy did that to you. Like whatever it happens to be, you have to decide I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

And you can't do it to try to win this guy back to you. You have to do it because you believe you're worth it. And have you listened to my show before? Yeah. Okay, so you know that I'll tell you the truth. You may have burned this relationship to the ground with one night of drunken rage. And if that's the case, you have to be not at peace with that, but you have to own that reality. And then what you have to do is commit yourself to dealing with that anger and rage. And it might be for you. I don't go to nightclubs.

It might be for you. I don't drink more than one drink at a time because I become somebody I don't want to become or whatever the actions have to be in place upstream so you get a hold of this. Okay. But if you go trying to grovel and duct tape over this relationship, you're just going to duct tape over the pain and the anger and the rage. I just find it really hard to believe that after four years, everything's going great. One night,

Somebody texts him on an app that is notorious for its ability to be secret. And he won't just go in a club, what? Because the music's playing really loud. He goes, dude, it's somebody from school asking for an assignment. Why he wouldn't do that, I don't know. And I do believe, I don't use WhatsApp, but I think you can selectively delete. So who knows what was originally there. But it is strange that he wouldn't show you.

And also, it's completely unacceptable that you go put your hands on them, be physically violent with them. Yeah, and that's why I cannot, you know, I don't know how to put it. Like, I cannot just come at peace with that. Like, not at peace. Like, probably just have the total acceptation that I just...

Mess that up. Because, yeah, four years together and we had gone like up and down and everything. And I want to say most of the stuff is because our lows, it was, it has been because me being jealous. And it's, it's a weird, you know, thing because I, I will, I would have never considered myself jealous. Like never. I don't want to say until we got these two days relationship, but

From the beginning, I thought, okay, he's a really good guy. He did really, really well with my kids. It's like my kids have asked me for him. Like, they miss him, you know? But so it's kind of like a strange for me to where, like, I felt like I had some type of stability and protection. And then...

um i will have these insecurities of well he he might just get with someone someone that doesn't have three kids or like did you ever talk to him about that i i did um did you ever ask tell him i'm i i feel exposed and and insecure after four years can we get married did you ever ask him those questions i did one time and she told me he's like well if

If you don't change these ways, like, of you always trying to, like, figure out if I'm with another girl, this and that, after I told you no, and after I tried, it's like, how can we get married and just end up bad? He told me, he's like, what I don't want is end up in a divorce, like, at all, like,

So I was like, okay. What did you do after that? Because that's an, well, there's two sides to this. One is, again, he's gaslighting you so bad, right? And he's seeing other people and your body knows it and he's making you feel crazy. That happens often. The other side of it is he's a pretty evolved man. He's able to say what he wants out loud and what he needs out loud.

And for him to say, I need you. We can't get married unless you trust me. And everything I'm doing on a daily basis shows you that I'm trustworthy. Here's my phone. Here's these messages. Now, maybe that one night when y'all both been drinking in the middle of a nightclub, he didn't. But here's, I don't know what else you want to see. But if it's like this every day, I can't enter into a marriage with somebody who doesn't trust me. And you said, okay. And you beat yourself up a little bit.

But did you go talk to a counselor? I didn't until like all of this happened. Okay. Like it was, yeah. So I started therapy, I want to say literally three days after it all started. And you're slowly starting to peel back some layers. Did your previous husband cheat on you? Yes. Did your dad cheat on your mom? Yes, he did. Okay. Your jealousy comes from a right place.

Every GPS pin your body has in romantic relationship has somebody committing infidelity. So your body's response to love, to be weary of it, is right. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you going to trust again? And if you're not going to trust again, then don't drag another person into a relationship. If you are going to trust again, you have to be willing to get hurt again because that's what vulnerability and connection is. See what I'm saying? Like,

If you just came and said, hey, my dad cheated on my mom all the time. My previous husband of 13 years beat me up and cheated on me all the time. Now I've got this new guy and he's wonderful. I love him. My kids love him. And I feel jealous all the time. I would tell you, you're exactly right. You should. And here's what we're going to do. But you've been walking around thinking that you're broken. You're not broken. Your body knows what happens when people love each other. Somebody gets cheated on. And then you meet a guy who says, dude, I would never do that to you.

It just, it has been, every time he would tell me, like, I would think, like, really? Because you don't think you're worth that. Because your last husband showed you that you weren't worth that. Your dad showed your mom she wasn't worth that.

But until you believe you're worth being loved and that you're worth being in a long-term relationship where people don't cheat on each other, until you believe you're worth that, you're always going to hold somebody else responsible for how you quote-unquote feel. And that's not his job. His job is to do right by you and to honor you and to honor your kids if he's entering into this relationship with you. See what I'm saying? And it sounds like he was doing that. And if you have some very specific needs, so for instance, if you sat him down after year one and said, hey,

This happened to my mom. This happened to me. I have a tendency to get over, like, I get pretty anxious around trust. At some point, I'm going to ask you, like, I just need to see your phone. Know that that's more about me than it is about you. And if he's in, if he's in, he'll go, well, you can see my phone anytime. I don't care. But if you don't have that question, you don't have that conversation and let him know. For me, especially early on in my marriage, I have some real big abandonment issues.

So I told my wife, hey, it's just a big deal. Because she would see a text come from me, and she would think in her mind, when I have some time to fully invest in this text, I'm going to respond. It would make me really get skittish. And I sat down and said, hey, it's important to me if you just respond and say, not a good time, I love you. And she started doing that, and it was awesome. But I had to speak it out. Otherwise, I walked around all day blaming her for my issue. See what I'm saying? Yeah, yes.

So I'm glad. And I think that's one of the biggest things for me because my communication skills aren't that good. I don't believe that. I don't want you to say that they're not that good. I want you to say, I choose not to be open and vulnerable. Yeah. It's one of those things when you say, um, nobody's going to do it to me again. Like it's like a shield, you know? And it just,

It makes things worse. It keeps you safe, but that safety destroys any other relationships you're going to have. Right? Yeah. And so here's a couple of paths forward for you. Number one, you're doing the right thing. I'm glad you're talking to somebody because you've got some deep scars and some deep hurt. Okay? Yeah. And if at some point you need to go spend some time in an anger management course or an anger management group, then go do that.

Do whatever you have to do to have peace in your home. And that starts with peace in your heart, okay? Okay. And I'm going to tell you something that's mean for me to say, but I'm telling it to you because I love you, okay? Okay. This is bigger than you and this boyfriend of four years. Your children are absorbing an angry, angry mom. And they are going to try to solve that for themselves too. And that's not their job, okay? Yeah. Yes. Their job is not to make sure mom doesn't get mad.

Okay, their job is to be little knuckleheaded kids. Actually, your kids are older, but some of them are younger. You're eight, nine year old. They're just knuckleheaded kids. They're supposed to be knuckleheaded kids. Mom is supposed to be the one who's stable. Okay, so that means it's your job to go get to the root of that rage. And I guarantee it goes back to your childhood. I guarantee it goes back to your abusive relationship and your marriage and all of that. And you can unwind that. And in the day-to-day life, you can practice that.

Oh, I'm feeling angry again. Here's the two or three things I need to go do. And you and your counselor can work those things out in particular. Okay. It's gonna be something you practice. This is a new way of being. Here's the second thing. You can ask your ex-boyfriend if he'll go to lunch with you or to breakfast with you. Just go out. And the whole conversation has to begin with, I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. And if you haven't ever laid it out, my dad beat up and cheated on my mom.

My previous husband beat up and cheated on me. And so I've been living with this fear that it's going to happen again and again and again because it's all I know. And then I met you and you're pretty wonderful, but I held you responsible for something inside of me and I'm sorry. I've been in counseling for a month. Will you give me another shot? And he may say no. Yeah. Also, you need to be clear. I will never, ever put my hands on you or anybody else ever again, period. Yeah. Okay. Yes.

Yeah, because I had never hit my kids. It's just something I can't, you know? I know, I know. It was rage, but you're lucky you didn't go to jail, right? Yeah, yeah. And if the roles were reversed...

Yeah. I would tell you, don't be with the guy that does that. And if he were to call me, I would tell him, don't be with the woman who hits you. Period. Yes. I would tell him that same thing. Right? So the choice moving forward for you is I got to do an overhaul. The overhaul starts with you and it has to be for you. And ultimately you got to get to that ticker tape that says it's going under underneath the story of your life. Not worth being loved. Not worth being loved. Worth getting cheated on. Worth getting hit. Cause that's a lie. It's not true. Yeah.

But until your body believes that, until you believe that, these things are going to keep replaying themselves in new relationships all the time. They're going to replay themselves in your kids. So the work is just, I'm stopping this now forever. And he may be done. Like I said, he may be done, but maybe not. The work's going to be with you. Thank you for calling. I'm really grateful that you opened up and told the truth and put it all out there. That's hard. It's hard. I wish you the absolute best moving forward. You call me anytime, okay? We'll be right back.

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All right, we are back. Hey, real quick, my friends at Mind Pump. Guys, I love them. Out of San Jose, California. I wish they would move to Nashville. But they're still there on the West Coast. Have the number one downloaded fitness podcast on planet Earth. And they just put out a three-day virtual course for fitness trainers and coaches, teaching them how to build their business, sell better, and become more effective with their clients. It aired a while ago. Over 10,000 trainers showed up.

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Hey, I'm doing pretty good. How about you? All right, man. What's going on? Yeah, so my question was, so how do I come to terms with my girlfriend's financial state and move forward in our relationship? I don't know, man. You tell me. What's going on? Yeah, so to give some background, she is $156,000 in private student loan debt.

She a doctor? Yeah. So she actually dropped out of her master's program with this amount of debt. And I knew she dropped out when we first started talking, which I didn't think anything of. But I just found out about the debt about a month or two ago. And it's really been weighing on my mind, I guess.

What's weighing on your mind? Is it who she is as a person? Is it, like, for instance, is it the dollar amount? Like, oh my gosh, if I marry this person, this is going to become my debt too, and how are we going to pay this off? Or is it, I'm questioning the character, your judgment of her character being that she took on this much debt and she just walked away because it got hard or she didn't like it anymore, and she's going to be somebody that doesn't meet her responsibilities long term.

Yeah. So I think it's more of the second. I'm not too worried about the dollar amount, just the way she handles it, I guess. And tell me more about that. Yeah. So she is a hardworking, motivated individual and she doesn't live beyond her means, splurge on expensive things. And I mean, hold on. She, she for sure does.

She just bought something she couldn't afford and she lives way beyond her means to the tune of $156,000. She might not do it in purses or in shoes or in guns or in whatever, but she lives way, way beyond her means. For sure. I guess, you know, it's one of those things she realized after the fact, which is hard for me to put in perspective because I was somebody that

from a young age, worked really hard, did everything I could to minimize the amount of debt I was in. So it's kind of hard for me to see from that perspective where I know it happens all the time. People go through all of college and they don't really see the dollar amount, the interest rate, and they don't see that racked up until the end. - That was me, dude. - Yeah. - That was me. And I racked up six figures in student loans.

And I'll never borrow money on anything other than a house ever again for the rest of my life as long as I live forever and ever. Amen. So change can happen. But I'll also tell you, it was several years of pretty intense, awful suck getting it paid off. Yeah. It's both and. And yeah, that's another thing too is, um,

I kind of did the math and if she wanted to pay this off in five years, let's say, she would have to triple the payment she's making now, possibly find a second job and maybe even move home if we live together. I don't know if she's willing to go to that extreme. Are you going to marry her?

Yeah, so she is an amazing person, and I do see myself marrying her, which is why I guess I'm so worried and concerned and overthinking all this stuff. Yeah, you're way overthinking it. Hold on, hold on. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Okay, let's take the money and put it aside. Why do you want to marry her? Yeah, so she has a lot of different qualities. She's selfless, caring. You keep talking about her. You keep talking about her. Why do you want to marry her?

Um, why do I want to marry her? Uh, I see, you know, we have fun together whenever we hang out, we have, you know, really good conversations. I have fun with Ben. Me and Ben go to metal shows together. Not marrying that dude. Why do you want to marry her? Um, that's a hard question. I mean, I do, you know, aside from that, we do have the eye to eye on a lot of different things. Um, you know,

You know, like when it comes to kids, religion, politics, like we do CI to I on a lot of that stuff. It's mostly just the financial stuff that, you know, I'm having concerns with. Have you sat down and talked to her about these concerns? So we've talked about it on two different occasions and, you know, and that's why it kind of worries me too, because I don't really think she has a plan and she didn't even know the interest rate until our first conversation.

And at first she was like a little dismissive and defensive about it, which I understand like she's in this hole and, you know, she doesn't feel like she's an asset and she feels horrible about it. And she hasn't even talked to anybody else besides her parents about it. So, you know, I'm just, you know, trying to be motivating and supportive and, you know,

But she did. This was actually a couple of days ago. We kind of talked about it again and, you know, I asked her if she might be open to talking to a financial advisor, maybe even if, you know, she has the free consultation just to see if that's worth anything. And then, you know, or us to sit down and kind of like go over a budget possibly.

Um, or I also wanted to, you know, use one of those calculators to show her like a amortization plan. And, uh, you know, so she does have perspective on it and see that if she does want to eventually get out of this, she has to put like more down with each of her payments or else she's going to be in this for a long time. Here's the, um, this is a common, common challenge and I don't want to over gender this, but it just seems to play this its way out this way most of the time. Um,

You're trying to solve a very shameful emotional issue with a spreadsheet. Yeah. And that's not the path to her heart or most women's heart for that matter. Most want to know, despite my flaws, do you still love me? Most men want to know that too. They just ask that question differently and they experience that question differently. But do you love me? Yes, I made a big mistake. I made a big mess. I don't know my path out of this. Will you sit with me? Because I'm not dumb.

I know there's going to come a moment when I need to figure it out. I'm still grieving the fact that I thought I was going to get a master's degree. I didn't. I thought I was going to be this. I didn't. I thought I was going to get this job, and for right now, I'm not. And now I've got this massive hole. Will you sit with me here? Just look at the car wreck for a second instead of starting to stop. I mean, there's still smoke coming from the engine. I don't need driving lessons on the side of the road. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. The bigger question I think you have to ask is this. I am...

I'm probably speaking out over my skis a little bit, but I think you really like this person and I think you're nervous and I think you are searching for reasons to keep at arm's length with her. I also think you have to be really careful not to put yourself in a position of I'm better and or smarter than you. Because if you ever feel that, this relationship is doomed from the start.

Yeah. And I don't believe that at all. You know, I have no 100% confidence in her and I know she is capable of getting out of this. But if you marry her, if you marry her tomorrow, it becomes y'all's challenge. Exactly. And we together are going to work on it like this. But if you tell her, hey, if you triple up payments and take a second job and move in with your parents for five years, and then after you fix this flaw, then you're worthy to marry me.

I mean, you might as well just start dating somebody else because that's not going to work. Okay, yeah. But if you said, hey, I love you more to the moon and back, and you know that I'm a spreadsheet-y, like, let's just solve this nerdy thing right now in this kind of way, and I know that you are more experiential and you go with your gut, and that's going to serve our marriage well down the road, but it made a big mess right here.

So what I'm saying is in my house, the roles are reversed on many things, but not everything in a weird way. And I'm so grateful that it has worked out that way. And my wife is too. Cause I will say something like at the end of this month, we're all going, I don't care where we go. We're going on a vacation. We're getting out of here. And she goes,

Okay, here's where our budget is. Here's how much money we have in the checking account. Here's what school looks like. Here's how exhausted these kids are going to be. And here's what life is going to be like the week after if we just do this thing. The other side, and there's a reality. And thank God I have that. Otherwise, my kids would be zombies all the time. They'd be sugared up. They would all just be like, all the time. Because I'm always like, dude, it's midnight. Let's go out. And the other side of it is,

Sometimes I'm like, let's just go do this. And she's like, all right, whatever. And it is amazing and it's fun. So there's a balance. Yeah. Right. And so it's knowing both of us bring an important role to the table.

And then occasionally she's like, I don't like living out in the woods anymore. We have to move right now. And I'm like, we can't. Here's what this spreadsheet will look like. And here's what this amortization plan would look like. And we work through that together. And so it just depends on what we're talking through. But my guess is you and her are that way. She probably brings some spontaneity and some joy and some laughter and some intimacy to your life that you don't have otherwise. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair to say. So those are equally as good.

They just have to be in balance. And if you feel like, man, we can be in balance together, that's amazing. But if you feel like, man, until you get this mess cleaned up all by yourself, we can't move forward, I think you need to put that on the table and let her know because she's probably going to walk. Yeah. I just...

So I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't give her an ultimatum like that. But I, you know, when we first talked about it, I did say like, I'm, I'm concerned and, you know, I'd like to see that you have a plan to figure this out. You know, not for my sake, but for her sake too, because, you know, even if we weren't dating, I, you know, I care about her and love her so much, you know, I want to see her out of this situation anyway. But yeah. So I think it's being very careful not to become her dad.

Right. Yeah. And that's the thing. I don't want to be discouraging or like, so here's the, here's, here's how I would have this conversation. And here's the deal. I know you love her. Okay. I'm not beating you up. I know you love her. I think you are equally scared at how much you do love her. Is she your first big longterm? Like I'm starting to make plans person. Uh, probably like my second, I guess probably. How'd your first one end up?

The first one ended up, we didn't really see eye to eye on quite a few things. And that's the thing. We didn't talk about this until later in our relationship. So now I'm trying to not make that mistake and figure all this stuff out earlier in our relationship. So we can see if we're compatible and all this other stuff, figure out the issues. So here's how I want you to go forward. So I applaud you. You are a...

A male Texan who is learning. That's a rare thing. So good for you. That's a rare thing. All right. So here's the next evolution I want you to take. I want you to take her out somewhere nice. And I want you to say the words, I. I love you more than life itself. Okay. And I have... I'm kind of scared at how much I love you. And I'm also scared of...

Not being totally aligned with dreaming about what our home would look like, what raising kids would look like, what, how we manage debt looks like. I'm scared about that. I like to have a plan for everything. I know you're more freewheeling. You're a free spirit. I'm more of a nerd. I, I, and you see what I'm saying? Cause what I'm doing here is you're admitting what you need and what you want instead of putting it on her. So instead of sitting down with her and saying, you need a plan,

By the way, she does 100% need a plan. I'm with you on that. But in a relationship, when you go like lobbing grenades at somebody who's just done something really shameful, she knows. She just walls up and defends herself, right? Like you said, she gets defensive. Right. But when you sit down and say, if we're going to be in this together, here's what I need, then it's more of an invitation. And so telling her, I know you're real smart and I know that I love you.

You know that. And I want you to know if you ever have questions about a path, I'm a nerd and I would be happy to help. Be super happy to help. Here's how it worked in my house. I'm a weightlifter nerd. I lift all the time. Makes me feel good. Okay. For years, I tried to talk my wife into all these weightlifting programs. She works out all the time. She just does it differently. And it got to where I was being, I was being a jerk. I was being overbearing. Well, man, if you just tried this, that wasn't helpful.

What she needed to see me do is just be quiet and keep showing up and encourage whatever she was doing. Because it wasn't like she was being unhealthy. She was being amazing. She just was doing different things than I was doing. Or I would listen to the latest Peter Atiyah Lane Norton conversation. I'd be like, oh, I need to change up everything. And she was like, hey, I'm just trying to fit this in, right, with my other 45 things I got going on today. And it wasn't until, slowly but surely...

She would say, hey, tell me about this one exercise. Tell me about this one other exercise. And I wouldn't try to be like, all right, here's the plan. I would tell her about that one exercise because she's real smart and that's the question she asked me. And then now, see what I'm saying? Now, fill in the blank, we have very similar programs and we're in sync on a lot of stuff. So all I have to say is I had to honor her path and also honor the fact that this is important to me and it's important to her, but it's important to her in a different way.

Right. And so when we have conversations, I have to sit down and say, here's what I'm wrestling with. And that's you being vulnerable, you not attacking it with a 10 key and a spreadsheet. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Think of it this way. With, not at. Or with, not over. For her to be safe, she'll have to know this dude is always going to be with me. Right side by side. I dug us a $150,000 hole. Ugh. We're going to get married and then we're going to figure this out.

And then he's going to start working 90 hours a week and we are going to sit there with his work addiction and we are going to start working on having fun. And that's going to be how she lifts you up. See what I'm saying? Yeah. And that makes for a pretty amazing marriage longterm. Oh yeah, for sure. That's awesome. Um, so I guess like moving forward, you know, should I just take a step back and like leave it in her hands and, um,

And just see where it goes. No, I think you sit down and talk to her like I said. Like, I haven't done this right, and I'm sorry. I came at you with a bunch of spreadsheets, and you never asked me to even do that. And I'm sorry about that. I'm just trying to love you in my own nerdy way. I think the best way I can love you right now is to trust you and to know. I want you to know if you ever need help or just say, hey, I need a plan. I'm right here with you.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I think I'm too focused on solving it rather than being supportive. There you go. That sentence you just used right there is transformational. Because what most men don't understand is transformation happens when their partner feels supported, not lectured.

And the other way around is often men need really clear direction on solving a problem. I need you to pick up that laundry basket. Like what, what? Right. It's a clarity thing. Right. And it just people, we talk past each other. I think some of that socialization, some of that is just different ways we see the world. And it's not every couple's not like that. And like I say, in my house, it's reversed a lot, but here we are.

And what you just said is really powerful. I'm going to be with you. I'm always going to be with you. And I need you to know this particular thing makes me unable to breathe. And that's you being vulnerable because she might say, wow, what a wimp. I'm out. Right? And if she does, then she wasn't for you. Yeah. And if she says, oh, me too. I can't breathe either. I just feel dumb when I'm around you and I don't like getting lectured because I'm lecturing myself 24-7, 365, and I just get frozen. Yeah, exactly. That's probably what she's going to say. Yeah.

And knowing you're right by her side and knowing you're not judging her, but you're with her, then we can go solve this problem. And by the way, there needs to be a plan. There needs to be a plan. And there needs to be some radical life transformation. Like you mentioned, you got to work three jobs. You got to triple up this payment. We got to get this stuff out of our life. Let's put a 24-month deadline on this sucker and see what happens. What would have to be true for both of us to get this thing done? Are you in? I'm in. Let's go bananas.

That can only be done on a bedrock of, I'm not going anywhere. I love you no matter what. And this is the same for debt. This is the same for healing from trauma. This is the same for kids. This is the same for any number of issues a couple's going to come up with. We often get scared of our own internal state and we blame our partner. And we're like, you fix this and you fix this. Instead of saying, I'm scared to death. I can't breathe. Because that changes everything. That's an invitation.

You're the man, Scott. Call anytime, brother. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. It is one of my most sincere honors to be partnering with an amazing supplement company. I'm talking about Thorne. Thorne is a world-class, personalized, and science-backed supplement and health testing company used by elite athletes, thinkers, doers, and world changers all over the globe.

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All right. Hey, tickets have sold out in record time for the Money and Marriage Getaway this fall with me and Rachel Cruz here in Nashville. But we've added another weekend for this event, Valentine's Day 2025. What?

Did you just rescue my marriage with Valentine's Day getaway? I don't have to plan anything other than flying to Nashville with my partner and us going to a two-day, two-and-a-half-day marriage retreat, staying in a hotel, going to parties, rocking on to the break of dawn. Yes, I got you. We did it. Over two-and-a-half days here in Nashville, hanging out with me and Rachel Cruz. We're going to talk about communication. We're going to talk about emotional connection. We're going to talk about sex. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about everything.

And the whole weekend is built around Q&As. So we have lots of teaching segments, but we also have tons of opportunities for you to raise your hand. And we're going to be in the same room and you're going to say, hey, I've got this question. Here's my husband right here. Here's my wife right here. Sometimes we'll invite you up on stage and we'll act it out in front of everybody. If you come to this event and don't get your question answered, it's going to be because you didn't ask it.

super excited about this. The first two have sold out or we had the first one. Second one sold out Valentine's day, 2025 tickets start at 699 for the whole weekend. That's not per person. That's per couple get yours while the early bird pricing is still happening. Um, and I,

I think VIP has already sold out, but it may not have sold out yet. Get on there right now. Ramsey solutions.com slash getaway, by the way, February 13th through 15th, 2025 Ramsey solutions.com slash getaway. And by the way, dudes listening to this podcast, I'll deal with that in 2025. No, do it right now, right now.

And just smile and just be like, hey, I got Valentine's Day taken care of next year. And your partners can be like, wait, what? I don't know what you're talking about. And be like, I got it. And then just put it in an envelope and put it under the mattress. And then Valentine's Day, it'll be amazing. All right, let's go out to Evansville, Indiana and talk to Jaqueline. Hey, Jacqueline, what's up?

Hey, I'm good. How are you, Dr. John? I'm so good. What's going on? So I guess my question today is how do I support my husband when my in-laws are mad at him for something that I did? Oh, no. What'd you do? That's like, what'd you do, Richard? Was that from Tommy Boy? Okay, what happened?

Well, so it's kind of the short version is my sister-in-law, which is my husband's stepsister, has struggled a lot with substance abuse and violence.

Just living a lifestyle that's not the best for herself and for her three young children. Last year, she actually was arrested for having narcotics in the car with her that she was driving.

And then sort of since that time, she's been on probation. And my father-in-law and mother-in-law have really just taken over in handling her kids and watching them and caring for them. Well,

Recently, they went on a two-week cruise, and of course, they couldn't take the children with them. So their solution was, we are going to leave the kids with their mom, and they have grandparents there that they would also be staying occasionally. But they were going to leave the kids with their mom, and hopefully that would...

make her just step up and, and be a parent. Jeez. Cause that's worked in the past, right? Yeah. Right. No. Um, no, it hasn't. And, um, so while they were gone, um, she had a major issue where, um,

The daycare that she takes her two youngest kids to would not release the kids to her because the vehicle she was driving, they deemed to be really unsafe. And she didn't even have car seats. So they said she needed to find a different mode of transportation or they would be calling the police on her. It was a whole ordeal. She ended up getting that vehicle towed.

And, uh, while I, I'm not entirely sure what happened, but that vehicle ended up getting towed from the parking lot of the daycare. So I just want to pause here. Let's applaud the daycare. Whoever, what an amazing group of leaders at that place. Good for them. Good for them. Right. And, um, my father-in-law contacted my husband's brother, um,

Just telling them like, Hey, I'll send you some money and get the, get the car out of the tow yard. And, um, I,

And as soon as I heard this from my brother-in-law, I was just like, you know, pump the brakes, hold on. As soon as you get that car out, she's going to be driving those children around in this unsafe vehicle. It was just sort of the last straw. And we had just heard multiple things up until this point that I just was no longer comfortable with.

Um, with not doing anything about, and my husband wasn't comfortable either. Um, and neither was, um, his sister, um, my, uh, my other sister-in-law, um, my sister-in-law and me, we, we, uh, we both filed, um, a report on her for child protective services. Okay. Good for you.

And my husband was there the entire time I was doing it. He 100% supported me in doing so. And I chose not to remain anonymous on the report either. I didn't feel any shame in doing it. Good for you. And right after we did it, I said, hey, you need to text your dad, let him know what we did because I'm not trying to do, you know, I'm not trying to blindside them at all. Because obviously they would probably be reaching out to them as well.

And right after he texted him the next morning, just a slew of text messages came in. How dare you? You betrayed us. You know, we were utilizing the summer for her to really just step up as a mom and you just ruined that. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Her challenges are not in a vacuum, right? Right.

And so you've got two incredibly guilty, incredibly immature grandparents who are looking, A, to step up and solve this issue, which good for them they have, and also to blame everybody because they're tired. They don't want to do this anymore. And they made up some imaginary fantasy where somebody who struggles with some addiction and hasn't taken care of things

isn't on the path to wellness is suddenly just gonna materialize and become the mom she needs to be. And that fantasy didn't work out. It was destructive to that mom and to those kids. And you stepped in and your husband stepped in. It doesn't matter who hit the button. It doesn't matter who typed up the report. Y'all both were there together. So y'all did this thing together. And your husband has immature parents. He's got a very sick sister.

And so, yes, when you're dealing with immature people and you're dealing with sick people, you're going to get throw up on you. You're going to get doors slammed in your face. That doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing. And it doesn't mean that it's not going to be really uncomfortable. Is your husband waffling on the decision? Is he trying to make his parents happy again like he always has throughout his whole childhood? I mean, no, my husband's really hurt. And I can tell. He should be. He should be. Yeah. That's not because of you. It's because of his parents. Right. Because in a perfect world.

I'd say this, in a perfect world, y'all went and pick up those kids and his sister-in-law or stepsister, whatever, however she's connected to you guys, would have said, thank God. But I've worked with enough people struggling with addiction that that's usually not how it goes. They usually think they've solved it and that they're fine, right? And they can't see it. And so that's not that easy. The next best thing is grandparents. Well, grandparents took a two-week cruise and they just hoped everything was going to be all right.

So the next best step after no family is the authorities. And here we are. Right. And just, it hurts me to see their relationship between my father-in-law and my husband where it's at right now. They're just not on speaking terms. And that's because your father, it's your father-in-law's issue, right? Yeah. Yeah. I hate that for everybody. Yeah. You were saying something about your husband. What did he do?

He tried reaching out to him again because they're back now and just said, hey, when are we going to sit down? I feel like I need an apology for the way you acted. And well, actually, I forgot to preface that by saying after we filed the report.

DCFS actually went in and took the children because they were not in a safe situation. So now they are 100% in the care

Of my mother and father-in-law. And after that happened, my husband reached out to my father-in-law and said, hey, when are we going to sit down and talk about this? I feel like I deserve an apology. My father-in-law basically said, no, you don't. You're still at fault for this. And my husband blocked his phone number. So that's sort of where we're at right now. Good for him. Good for him. I think instead of...

wondering what your next move is, I think you'll have to spend some time in grief because you had a picture of what your life was going to be like. Do you have little ones? Yes, we have two younger children. And that's why I just, anything to do with children not being safe, I just, I cannot. Well, nobody should, right? Nobody should. But here's the bigger picture. The bigger picture is you had this picture where your father-in-law was going to be this awesome granddad and your mother-in-law is going to be this awesome grandma. And that's not happening right now. Mm-hmm.

that's not happening now i'd only block a family member's number if they are constantly bombing me with negative texts i'm not going to block it if they're just ghosting me because there may become a day when they reach out and say i'd love to meet but the fact that your father-in-law didn't get home see that oh no these kids were in a really scary unsafe situation um and our little plan didn't work out and we put these kids in grave risk

And the state has now made us sole custody, right? So mom's parental rights have been formally terminated. Is that what you're saying? For now. She does have a court date coming up. But as of right now, she's not allowed to be with the kids at all. Okay. And you know as well as I do, for that to happen, there's some significant things going on that you're really soft peddling on this call, which I appreciate, right? Right. They were around some dark stuff. And for him not to call your son and say, thank God you called.

which is what a mature adult would have done. Thank God you got involved. He chose to blame all this on your son. And he probably had different plans for his summer. Whoop-dee-doo, right? Right. So I think the bigger thing is sitting down in grief and being heartbroken and trying to take this from your husband for a while that his dad is abandoning him. His dad is choosing to be immature. His dad is choosing to not be an adult anymore.

Even when your son is, I mean, your husband's trying to be, to reach out and say, hey, let's sit down and talk. You owe me an apology. Let's sit down and hash this out. I have a problem with you. I'm going to go to you first. Instead of doing that, he doesn't want to, don't take that from your husband. He's supposed to be sad. His dad is walking away from him. He's walking away. Mom's letting it happen. I hate that for y'all. And I just want to, for whatever it's worth, I applaud you for doing the right thing. You did the right thing. And anybody else out there,

Doing the right thing sometimes costs you everything. Or in this case, it lets people, it lets them, their true nature come to light. I hate that for y'all, but you did the right thing. And I'm proud of you. You're standing up for those kids with no other adults in their lives. We're going to do it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Kelly, am I the problem? All right, this is from an anonymous listener.

Am I the problem for wanting my wife to look nice for me? Jeez, why are you doing this, man? Golly. My wife is beautiful, but she wears a lot of outdated styles or older and faded clothes. She is very thrifty and likes to save money, but I would like for her to wear some newer and nicer things. Am I the problem for wanting my wife to look nice?

Good luck. It's a trap. Do what? It's a trap. It does feel like a trap. No, I don't think that, I don't think he's a bad guy for wanting his wife to look beautiful. And also, it sounds like he is, he sees something in her that he wants her to see for herself. And he's struggling with how to bring that to light.

And I can't believe we're in a world now where it sounds even weird to say that out loud. But here we are. What do you think? I 100% agree with you. I think it's all in how he presents it. Yes. If he's like, I want you to look nice for me, that maybe not— Then she becomes a trophy, and that's gross. Right. But if he—maybe, like, you know, spend some money on yourself. I—

Or I'm going to. I'm going to. Yeah, I would love to take you shopping. I would love to do this for you. Or if you're like my wife, just throw away all my cargo shorts. Well. It's ridiculous. I looked amazing in those things. Sure you did. I looked so good. She just got rid of them. You could do that too. Sheila is a smart woman.

But yeah, I think it's all in how he presents it because like you said, he sees something in her that she probably doesn't see in herself and he wants her to feel... He probably wants her to feel as beautiful as he thinks that she is. There you go. Yeah. There you go. And do clothes help with that? 100%. And anybody who says they don't is...

It's just not telling the truth. Of course they do. Of course they do. And there may be multiple layers to this, right? She may not want to feel beautiful for various reasons. She may be uncomfortable for various reasons. He may have created a world where she doesn't want to be beautiful in that world. So it's like it's a very layered conversation. But the idea that you see your partner and think, man, okay,

with clothes that fit or with clothes that, you know, were this century, man, or a haircut that actually like, yeah, I think that's, I think that's a thing that couples bring to each other. I see you for how beautiful you could be. And thank God my wife has helped me there. Right. And by the way, she has asked over the years, how do you think my hair would look best? Or do you think this, and I love being able to say, are they going to be amazing like this? Are they going to be amazing like that?

It's not a judgment thing. But if I saw somebody at work and I was like, ooh, I like her hair. I want her to look like that. That's gross. I don't want to do that. Fair enough? Fair enough. I don't think we need to tread lightly on that, do you? No. I think he loves his wife and he wants her to, I mean, I'm hoping it's that he wants her to feel better about herself because he thinks she's beautiful. There you go. There you go. I think that's a good thing.

Clearly, Ben's wife doesn't believe that about her husband. Just kidding. Yikes. You look great. You look great. Love you too, John. You're very handsome. You're very handsome. And are you wearing a Deloney shirt? Wearing a My Weekly Low shirt, man. Our band. Represent. We rule. That's it. Yes, it's okay. In fact, it's even encouraged to want your partner to be attractive and beautiful. It's awesome. It's all in how you present it. Good call, Kelly. Best of luck to you, America, on that one.

Don't screw this up. Love you guys. Bye.