Stuck in My Marriage
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. We haven't slept in the same room since 2020, since the pandemic. Why not? We kind of took sex off the table. He's like, well, I'm finding myself, and I guess we just needed some space. Well, that's bullcrap. What's he finding? I don't know.

What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show where we're talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, whatever you got going on in your world. I'm here to sit with you and we will figure out what's going on in your life and what's the next right step. In a world full of TikTok nonsense and Instagram madness, of which I admittedly am a part of,

It's so hard to even know what to do anymore. And then you throw mothers-in-law and you throw neighbors and that one woman at church and that guy who's like, I got it all figured out, snap into a Slim Jim. And it's just easier to sit down and turn on Netflix and pretend the day is not even happening. And here's what I want you to do. I want you to live your full life. And I want you to have peace. And I want you to have adventures. And I want you to have joy and laughter and play and enjoy.

Like, Eros. I want you to have all of it. And that's what this show is about. Sitting with hurting people, figuring out the next right move. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And before we get to the first caller, Kelly, listen. Can I tell you one of the world's great awkwardnesses that we don't talk about very publicly? I'm intrigued. Go ahead.

I went to do like a full blood panel this morning. I do that pretty regularly. And because of the timing and I'm doing a different test with Merrick and I had to pee in a cup. And there's something strange about the woman handed me a cup and just saying, just go in there and hand it back to me. And I get not a big deal. I'm not saying it happened. I'm saying occasionally you can miss. I don't know what to do.

Oh, that's life as a woman. Oh, here we go. Hey, come on. Here we go. Seriously. It's the patriarchy. Peeing in a cup is a hard thing for a woman to do. You're going to pee on your hand. No question. Well, you just ruined my day. You're the one that brought this topic up. Okay, but here's one time I got... I was doing another test and I had to... I guess the nice way of saying it is I had to give a stool sample. I got so wigged out by it, just totally freaked out. I...

Not the idea of like crapping in a box. That's fine. But it's the idea of it's the transfer. It's looking at another person and handing it and saying, you know what I just did in this box. Here you go. And I didn't know how to do that without being awkward. So as my wife says, you made it infinitely more awkward. And so I sat in and they're like, hey, there's a home option or you can just go right there. And I was like, oh, for sure, home. Like, I can't go in that room and just like hand this to you. And

So here's the deal. I just sat in my car with a bag inside. There was a box and inside there's a cha-cha in a box. And so I just held it and I finally just walked in and I looked that sweet nurse in the eye and I was like, I just cha-cha'd in this box. Here you go. And she looked at me and started laughing. And I was like, I'm sorry for making that weird. And she goes, you made that weird. And I just went back. We don't talk about it enough.

I don't think we're designed to... You're so brave. I just don't think we're designed to poo and pee in boxes and then hand it to other people. That's all I'm saying. I agree. It's weird. It is weird. But, you know, be grateful that whatever you're testing for... Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Dee. What's up, Dee? Hi. Hi, Dr. Deloney. How's it going?

I'm well. I'm not. I'm not. I think I'm not great. What's up? How's it going? I got a question for you. All right, bring it. How do I move forward in a sexless and troubled marriage without negatively affecting our daughter, our adopted daughter? She's being negatively affected right this second, so you don't.

Yeah. You don't move forward? No, you definitely move forward, but you don't tiptoe around this idea that other people who are living in this house and breathing our air are going to somehow be unaffected if we can take this magic yellow brick road through this chaos because that sweet daughter of yours feels this troubled marriage.

Right. And feels the sexless marriage and the lack of intimacy and your frustration otherwise wouldn't be calling. And I'm sure your partner's got some other challenges. Like that person, your daughter is just living like with one hand and one foot on an electric fence. And so there's not a way to not affect the dynamic of the house moving forward. You almost have to decide, are we going to move forward? What's going on with your marriage? Well, okay. So I've been married for 19 years.

And we've had our issues. If you just had, quote unquote, your issues, you wouldn't be calling. What's actually going on? Well, in 2000, I think it was 2018 or 19 when he was diagnosed with Asperger's. And that kind of hit the nail on the head. All the symptoms that she told us about is she said those were signs of Asperger's. So he had this all his life and didn't realize it.

And in 2020, we haven't slept in the same room since 2020, since the pandemic. Why not? We kind of took sex off the table. There's millions of couples that don't have sex for medical issues, for desire issues, but they share the same bed. That was a bigger move. That was beyond just intercourse.

Like when y'all took sex off the table, you lost something. What was that? Well, I mean, do we ever have it? We never had emotional intimacy. We just didn't, we're not connecting. So when we took sex off the table, it was like, why are we still sleeping in the same bed? Yeah.

He calls it, he's like, well, I'm finding myself. And I guess we just needed some space. Well, that's bull crap. What's he finding? I don't know. He feels like he hasn't really lived life. He blames the church for his sexual repression. How long has he been married to you? 19 years. Okay, that's two decades.

Yes, the church has been guilty of teaching people that sex is dirty and wrong and bad and casting a shadow, a long shadow, for sure. And two decades. At some point, you stop blaming and you be about healing and solving the problem. We haven't been able to move on since that. We haven't been able to solve this. Sex has just become stressful and just hard.

Just a chore. So let's remove sex for a second. Tell me about, you said you have never been connected or had intimacy in your marriage? Right. It's just been a hard thing to do. Sounds like sex was the breadcrumbs that was all that was there for you to be able to have any sort of nourishment. And now that that's gone, it's just, it was revealing. Right? Right. Your phone's cutting out on me. I didn't hear that. Right. Okay. Yes. Okay.

So right now, currently, so we sleep across the hall from each other, and he's just kind of given the bare minimum. He's not really helping out with the household. He's just kind of moping around. He's not getting any help. He just seems depressed. Here's the deal, Dee. He doesn't want to participate. Dee, listen.

I want to tell you two important things. Number one, I also know couples who sleep in separate rooms who has to regularly repaint the house because their sex life peels the paint off the walls. You're putting too much into that one thing. And when somebody hinges so much on a particular moment in their relationship, that's usually the straw that broke the camel's back.

And underneath this, I need you to hear me super clear. You can't do anything to change him. So you calling and asking, because I know I'm not the first person you call and just rattle off this list of things he doesn't do. He won't be a part of, he won't get healing. He won't get help. He won't go talk to somebody and on and on and on. And my heart's broken for him. And I'm on the phone with you. Yeah. So what are you going to do? You've been doing this for 20 years and you're how old your daughter?

10. She's going to ringside seat that this is what love and connection and marriage looks like. Right. And you have a husband that's saying, I am not interested in working on this. Or depending on the severity of his cognitive impairment, his neurological challenges, he may not be able to. But here we are. 20 years trying. I know. And I know you're exhausted. And I gave up. Yeah, I'm tired. And I just kind of gave up, I guess. And...

In 2020, I just gave up. Okay, it's 2024. That's four years. That's four years, and I'm still sitting here. Why? I don't know. I don't know what to do. Because you gave up, he gave up. He said, hey, I need to pause and find myself. And that sentence just makes my skin crawl, but fair enough. He used to find himself, and you quit. And then he quit, and then you quit, and then he quit.

And then nobody's moved for four years. And nobody's moved. What do you want your life to look like, Dee? Not this. I got that. I want to be happy. What does that mean? I don't know how to be happy. What does that mean? Because happiness is a byproduct on the way to a life well lived.

Happiness is temporary and it's never a destination. It's the journey. It's the path. I feel stuck. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't move forward. I can't move on. I don't know. I don't know where to go. I don't have any family support or I don't know where to turn. I'm just stuck. Okay.

I guess I just need some kind of guidance. I don't know what to do. And I don't want my daughter, like, this feels toxic, the way we live. Yeah. I can feel it on you. I can hear it on you. Yeah. I just can't breathe when I'm just under him. Okay, but I want you to stop that language.

Okay. Okay. Behavior is a language. He committed to, he's made it very clear. He does not want to be married to you in the way that you've asked him to be married. Right. You're not underneath him. You're right next to him. Right. And so I'm asking you, what do you want? Do you work? I work. Yes. What do you do for a living? Um, I work for a local hospital. Okay. Do you have meaning and purpose in that job?

I've been there 10 years. That's not an answer to my question. You've also been in a sexless, exhausted, completed marriage for four years. Right. On top of the other 16. So tell me about your job. It's kind of stressful for me.

I have good days and bad days. Let's say that. I just feel like I just go into everything with this anxiety and this stress and I just have to kind of talk myself out of it. I work from home. So. Well, lead with that next time. So you have a toxic home. You have a home that's full of poisonous gas and then you work there too. Right. So I'm just home all the time. Right. Right.

You have no adult interaction. You've got no community. There's nowhere where you go and laugh. There's nowhere you go and eat too many chips and salsa, too much chips and salsa and go, and then someone makes a joke. Like you don't have any of that. No. No. And those are all. I don't know how to get that. How do I. Those are all choices, sweetheart. They're all choices. Why don't you believe you're worth those things? Laughter and snacks and fun and long walks and a dog. Why don't you think you're worth that? I do think I'm worth that.

That's why I'm calling and saying these things. You don't go do it. What's stopping you? What's holding you back? Can I tell you what I think it is? What do you think? I think it's grief. I think you've been trying to make this marriage work for so damn long. And I think you had this picture in your head that when 20 years of marriage went by, it was going to look and more importantly, it was going to feel like something. And yours doesn't. Yeah. Yeah.

And grief is the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened, what we want to be true and what actually is true. And you're stuck in that gap. And until you acknowledge it with honesty to yourself, your body will continue to try to solve for it. And it spins in a loop and it spins faster and faster and faster until you just can't move. Does that ring true?

That does. And how do I step out of this grief? Well, I think you have to acknowledge that this is what is happening. Because at some point your body just hits pause. It just says, hey, all the things you're doing aren't working and we're getting sicker, we're feeling less well, so we're just shutting the machine off.

And I think that's what's happened the last four years. This is why I keep asking you, what do you want? What does a picture look like? Because that ultimately becomes your roadmap out. So if you tell me, I really can't be married like this anymore,

Then at some point, a marriage in as much trouble as yours is in needs one partner, one of the people, one adult to sit down at a table with the other person and say, we need to decide right now, are we going to stay married or not? Because if we are, here's what must be true. And if we're not, I need you to tell me you're not able or willing to do these things. And absent that conversation, or you say, John, I will never, ever, ever divorce this man.

And if that's the case, great. I honor that. Then I'm going to tell you, you got to go live your one reckless wild life. I mean, you got to tell me what that means. Is that comedy shows? Is that fishing? Is that cooking classes? Is that learning Spanish? I don't know what that is for you, but there's a whole wild world out there and you get to pick. Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm just sitting here. I don't know. I don't know why I'm just sitting here taking it. Instead of figuring that out, because I think that might take a long time. That might be how you grew up. That might be a combination of how you grew up and living in an unsafe marriage for a long time. It could be any number of things. But let's don't spend time trying to figure it out. Let's spend time deciding what's the next step. Okay. Is it time to go back? What's the next step? Is it time to go work in an office and get out of your house?

Probably. Okay. Do you have a pen in front of you? I have one over here. Okay, grab a pen real quick. Okay. Let's co-create a map together, okay? Okay. I have a pen. All right, let's write down, explore jobs where I go into the office. Okay. And by the way, I just went and got a blood draw, and I had to pee in a cup too. That was a whole experience. But...

The two women who did my blood draw and took care of me, it was early this morning. They were laughing. I was laughing. We were cutting up, making jokes at each other's expense. They brought me joy in a messy, traffic-filled whole thing. Right. You can do a lot of good for people if that's what you want to do. Okay. You want to go to med school? No. Do you want to go get your nurse practitioner degree? Probably. Okay. Then put that on the paper.

And before the night's over, I want you to explore. I want you to Google nurse practitioner programs in your area. And I want you to write down the length of time of the program and the cost. And if you know a nurse practitioner that just graduated, I want you to call them and schedule a coffee today. Okay. Do you like concerts? Do you like comedy? What do you like to do? You like to go out? I like concerts. I like comedy. I like doing all those things. Before the day is over, you're in Atlanta, Georgia. That is a hotbed of cool things going on.

That's true. Then by this weekend, I want you to take a girlfriend. I want you all to go to a show. I want you to go do a thing. Okay. Okay? And if your husband is not a safe person for your 10-year-old daughter to stay with, hopefully he is. Otherwise, you would have gotten her out already. But if you need to get some childcare, get some childcare. Okay. No, he's safe. Okay. Yeah. He's safe for her. And do you see what – I want you to begin to not worry about why I haven't.

And the crass way to say this is I want you to start faking it till you make it. It's like going to the gym. There's lots of days that I want to go to the gym, but I just go anyway. And then what happens is over time, I get in better shape. I get way, way stronger. I get in a better mood. And none of that was predicated on how I felt day by day by day by day. Okay. Okay? Yeah. I think you're pretty freaking amazing, Dee.

Thank you. And I think your husband hasn't been well for a long time, and I hate that for him. And if he wants to call, great. But I think you have to just look him in the eye and say, I can't make you be well. And I can't make you choose to have joy and adventure and life in your one precious speck of time on earth. Okay? Yeah. And I have to let go. I have to let go of this. You have to do two things. You have to let go and backfill it.

Most people let go and then they just go back to the couch and turn the TV back on and they replace emptiness with emptiness. I want you to replace emptiness with life. And maybe, just maybe, he sees a spark in you that he hasn't seen in a while. Maybe when you tell him, hey, at four o'clock on Thursdays, I go see my counselor. I'd love for you to come. You don't have to. I'd love for you to come. And by the way, I'm getting coming back to my own bed. I'm asleep in the bed. If you want to go sleep somewhere, you can, but I'm asleep in my bed. Yeah.

Do you get what I'm saying? I want you to start taking ownership of your home back. Okay. And if this marriage is over, if he has decided it's over, if y'all decide it's over. It is. Okay. That's grief. I want you to exhale and sit in that sadness because you had a picture of what this thing was going to look like and it's not going to look like that. Your husband has left you. He's just staying in the house right now. Right. Okay. And he's not going to tell me. He's going to wait for me to end it.

It's a pretty common thing that somebody tries to drown the relationship and then blame the other person. Or maybe his autism makes it that type of conflict virtually impossible in his body. I don't know. I don't know him. Yeah. But if you know how this plays out, you know how it plays out. And so then it's about rallying some people that will walk with you.

You have to have a couple of women in your life that will walk with you that you can text 24-7 and just say, I'm not doing okay. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I need someone to go get chips and salsa with me. And we're going to go make this happen. Make no mistake. Divorce is not good for kids. It's just not. And make no mistake. Living at home as a divorced couple that still has a certificate that says we're married. And the home is tense and chaotic and rage-filled.

That's not good for kids either. And so let's make the next right scary hard step and let's be open and honest and have adult conversations and only, and you can only deal with your thoughts and your actions. And that's where we are, sweetheart. Thank you so much for the call. I'm proud of you. I hope you catch a glimpse. It's going to be a really faint light, but I hope you catch a glimpse. There's a lot in your control. There's a lot that's not, but you control the next move and the next step.

Hang on the line. I'm going to send you Building a Non-Anxious Life. We'll get it mailed out to you. That's my gift to you. I want you to read it. Your daughter's 10. She's probably old enough to get most of it. And I want you all to use that as a roadmap for moving forward. And hopefully, hopefully your husband will come with you. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

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Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's go out to Frisco, Texas and talk to T.I.M. What's up, Tim? Hey, man, what's going on? Just rocking on to the break of dawn, brother. What are you up to?

Oh, you know, if I was any better, I'd be John Deloney. Dude, that's a low bar, man. That's a low bar. What's up? Hey, so my wife and I recently had one of our kids move back in with us. Okay. It's not normal. He's married. He and his wife are expecting in just a couple of months. And so it's not a typical move in.

Man, I can counsel a bunch of people, but looking in that mirror. Oh, dude. Yeah. Man, there's a reason I pay a lot of money to my therapist. Yeah, absolutely. So here's the bottom line is we want to set a hard, fast stop date. He lost his job. That's why they moved back in. So we need a hard, fast stop date. And I've told people this over and over. You got to stick to your guns. You got to stick to your guns. But brother-

When I'm looking at my 24-year-old son and his pregnant wife, it's a completely different ballgame. And it's like, how can I... And I also look and say, how could I have been so arrogant? That's it right there. That's what you're struggling with. Yeah. The son part is easy. It's the, what did I do wrong? Right. And that's the part you got to release and let go. Because let's say you did do something wrong, which by the way, all parents, none of us are perfect. I don't think you did anything wrong, but maybe you did. There's...

Literally zero we can do about that by spending on that and ruminating it. The only thing we can do is the next right thing. Right. And so something about your 24, like 24 year old coming home to save money in this wild housing market, Frisco, real estates, bananas, all the DFWs and bananas having a, like, Hey, you come home for six months. Y'all save some money up. So y'all can get a rental house or put a down payment down on a house, whatever. That's not weird.

There's something else here. Is he not looking for a job? Is he lazy? Like what, what in your guts? What's the problem? That's a great question. Um, so he has a part-time job. Why? It's like 20 bucks an hour. Yeah. Why does he have a part-time job? He says that he can't find anything full time.

And he and I get, we get frustrated whenever I talk to him about work because when I was his age and a newlywed, I was working three or four jobs at Macon's Meat. And he does not like that, doesn't want to talk about it.

So I have a good friend of mine that's a Catholic deacon that I'm super, super close. So I'm having him kind of run interference here and talk to him about his finances, talk to him about the job thing. And so finally last night we met and he finally texted me today and said, hey, when he was at work, texted me today and said, hey, so-and-so, I can possibly get a job here.

So now he's looking at working two part-time jobs. But he does sleep in until, I mean, truth be told, a lot of times he'll sleep in until 11, 12 o'clock, not on the weekends, because he doesn't have to get his job at a particular time. Yeah, I can't do that, man. Because I didn't raise him this way. I know you didn't. You got to let that go, Tim. Okay? I think you're a good dad. I appreciate that. What's his wife say? His wife wants to get him out of the house early in the morning and has a hard time getting out of bed and everything.

all that jazz and um you know he struggled with uh he struggles with depression yeah his brain doesn't produce serotonin so he takes a pill for that and um so i get that i'm trying to give a little grace there but again to to draw a hard fast line and how am i gonna how would i enforce that hey you got to be out by the end of january that should be long enough for you to work hard and if there's not and forgive the ramble but if there's not a deadline there's no urgency

Absolutely not. And beyond that, I think the serotonin hypothesis has actually been debunked. And now many places are going to the frontline challenge. You know what the frontline response is across many professionals and even a couple of countries have gone there? It's movement, exercise. You have to get up and you have to go move. And it's a loop.

I don't move. I don't do anything. The body kind of shuts stuff down, and then we stay here, and then it compounds, and there's a baby coming. There's a wife saying, hey, and there's a dad saying, hey, and it just loops, and that loop gets tighter and tighter, and it gets heavier and heavier, and we just don't do anything. As my friend Henry Cloud says, and by the way, for people listening to this, it sounds completely lacking in compassion, and it's the opposite. I've just worked with these young people of this age group my whole career. Henry Cloud, I love the way he says, Dr. Cloud says,

What someone in this situation is in desperate need of is some problems. Because at the end of the day, he knows. And you and your, are you still married? Oh, yeah, man. My wife and I are favorite humans. Okay. Y'all are about to go through a hurricane together. Y'all need to make sure that the windows are boarded up. Yeah.

Because one of you is going to feel compassion. One of you is going to see that pregnant wife. One of you is going to see and feel some sense of loss or failure or what do we do or why didn't we do this? One of y'all is going to feel angry and rage. Y'all are going to have to batten down the hatches and commit to we're going to talk through this and we're going to be united in this. Even your language of I have to get a go-between tells me there's a gap between you and your son.

Yeah, he gets angry if he's very, very intellectual. He can argue with the fence post. Yeah, and that's like we're not having intellectual discussions here. You'll be up by 7 o'clock, and you'll exercise, and you get two strikes. And beyond that, you're out of my house because it's my house. That's where I have the problem, John. That's the deal. I've done the whole my house thing. But to actually follow up with that?

I don't want to say something that I'm not going to follow through on. Okay, why won't you follow through? Why do you think so little of what you know to be true? Where is this shame coming from, man? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to—I don't know that I could kick him out. He knows that. That's a good point. He absolutely knows it. My wife could. And he's probably been—yeah, I bet she could. He knows that, and he's weaponized it. Did your dad turn his back on you?

No, no. My dad's still living, almost 80. He's one of the most godly men I've ever known. Mom died in 2017. Yeah, I mean... Your son knows you're not going to do anything. And so, by extension, he knows he doesn't have to do anything. And I'm being a 24-year-old who's still living at home, sleeping until 11 o'clock, working one part-time job with a baby on the way. But all he has to deal with is a nagging wife, and he's got his room and board covered.

And they're fine. And until something shatters that little snow globe that he's living inside, inside of, there's nothing going to change. And I'm not telling you what to do, but I mean, the way you've lined it out, you know, and what I, what I don't like is, um, man, I get depression. I get mental health challenges. I get financial challenges. I get all that. And I actually get parents a lot more grace than like the current. Yeah, you got it. Nah, it's dumb. If you got to help your kids out, help your kids out. This is past that. This is enabling.

Yeah, I mean, they've been with us for, I think, two months now. And so we did, like I said, last night we set up the boundary for the end of January. And basically, you're basically saying that that is the right thing to do, but then we have to follow through on that. Regardless of whether they're on the street or not, they have to know that we're going to follow through on that.

or they're not going to make the necessary changes. But every step of the way, they are in control. They're making the choice, not you. And so I think a reframe of the language, a consistent sitting down with your son saying, please choose to leave our house and move into an apartment or a home. Please make the choice for your own dignity and your own self-respect and your own about to be a father and your own wife to get a full-time job plus two part-time jobs. Like these are, this isn't,

An intellectual 24-year-old can wrap everything into this victim narrative where everybody's causing them their problems. And what you have to do is flip that. You have to flip it and challenge every choice you're making has landed you here. It's all choices. Please don't choose to move out of here onto the street. I'm going to say that to him every single day for six months. Oh, you're kicking me out. I'm not doing nothing. You're choosing to not have a place for your baby to live. That's a great...

I really appreciate that because that conversation has happened where he's like, so, you know, literally he said, what's the consequence? If we don't get the money saved for down payment or apartment or whatever, what's the consequence? What's going to happen? And I'm like, dude, I did not do the your choice thing. And I will from now on. That's a much better way to phrase it. But I'm like, dude, I don't know. I don't know, but you've got to get out of here. You've got to...

But I think you're right. I mean, he knows that I don't want to follow through on it. And I think it's fair to say, man to man, 24 years old, that your choices are hurting your old man. I'm choosing to have my feelings hurt by this. Yeah. So we're going to do the next right thing. If you find yourself coming to the realization that you're not going to be able to pull the trigger, that's your work to do, not his. He can't prop you up on that.

Yeah. That means you got to get a couple of men in your life there locally that you can sit down and talk to and say, I'm dying because I'm about to kick my newborn grandchild out of the house. Or to continue with the language, my son is about to have a baby and he's got a new wife and he's choosing to be homeless instead of step up and be a providing father. Or not to get all gender roles, but is she working? No, she's not. She's not. And, you know, we've had the entitlement conversation and

Stuff like that too. Yeah, but it's not entitlement. It's just being allowed to happen. If my kid screams and every time they scream, I give them ice cream. They're not being entitled. They're just speaking in a language that I appear to understand. Right. Entitlement is an unnecessary expectation that is not based on reality. But my kid screaming and me giving them ice cream every time, that's reality.

That's just them speaking Spanish just at a really low Italian. It's just a different language. And so I don't think your kids are entitled. They're just doing exactly what they're being allowed to do. If they move out and then they fight you and yell and scream and say, you owe us a house, that's entitlement. But right now they're just doing what they're being allowed to do, which is nothing, nothing. And man, I can't even, I can't even wrap my head around what it'd be like to be in your position as a dad is about to be new granddad.

The only other thing I could think of is if your son's got a relationship with your father, your 80-year-old granddad. I remember I had a problem telling the truth when I was younger, and my dad called his father my granddad. And that was a tough conversation, but it was a very powerful and impactful conversation. So I take back what I said earlier about getting an intermediary. I don't think you get somebody else to teach your son, but I do think if there's other men that your son will listen to, that's healthy and good.

But at the end of the day, I don't see an easy path and I think he's going to try to call your bluff. And I just envision a U-Haul out in your front yard or a yelling, screaming, blankety blank you. Oh yeah, you're throwing out your baby, your grandkid. I just picture that. And you and your wife need to be ready when that storm hits. And that doesn't mean, just because it's uncomfortable, doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing. Sorry you're in this position, man. I think you're a good dad. And at the end of the day, you can just do the next right thing. I think all of us know what that next right thing is.

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All right, let's go out to H-Town, home of the first place Astros, and talk to Mel. Hey, Mel, what's up? Hey, what's up? What's up? What's going on? Um...

So basically, I've written down this. I'm opening my diary up right now. I have a question and then a few bullet points I've written down. Okay, go for it. So how do I get over my boyfriend watching porn behind my back while I did it too?

I feel anger, resentment, and bitterness. I feel like I'm going to end up with someone just like my dad, and I'm afraid of the generational curse continuing. There's a lot of questions in that whole thing. So how do you get over your boyfriend watching pornography while you were secretly doing it too? Yes. I don't know if it's something you get over. I think it's something you get through. Yeah, yeah. Like...

Did you get... Did he get in trouble? Did you get onto him? Like, was there a big blow-up? What happened? I... Yeah, basically. I blew up on him, and I feel really bad that I did it. Because I... Knowing that I did it, too. Yeah, I know. Catching him exposed your lie. Why'd you take that out on him? I don't know. I just... I...

I guess it's always started with like the overthinking, like, oh, maybe he's just another guy. Maybe he's just like the rest of them. Maybe he's not who he says he is. No, that's you talking to you, Mel. Yeah. And then, yeah, that's what I realized. Like, I'm not who I project that into the world. Yeah, that's my whole dilemma right now. It's not a dilemma. It's not a dilemma. You know, there's a simple way to heal this. You know what it is?

Yeah. Turn all the lights on. All of them. Yup. And anything other than that is academic gymnastics. It's just linguistic, like rigmarole. There's wasting your time and energy.

Because you're going to move on to somebody else and you're going to be deceptive and you're going to hide things way bigger than pornography. They're going to feel that gap. They're going to be deceptive. And then you're going to just start the loop-de-loop. That's the generational curse. You want to change a generational curse? A, you decide this ends with me. And B, you turn the lights on. Yeah. I want to. I want to do that. Yeah. You don't. You want to want to. Because if you wanted to, you'd just do it. Why wouldn't you just do it? Why don't you think you're worth living in the light?

I don't know. I guess I'm like scared and stuff. Of what? Losing your boyfriend? You're going to lose him anyway. Yeah, basically. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm like at the same time, like, oh, I know what I got to do and I just don't do it. Text him right now. We have to talk. Yeah. No, like seriously, put me on speakerphone and then text him right now. We have to talk. Actually. Yep.

Okay, he's supposed to be here later on anyways. Okay, text him. When you get here, we need to have a hard conversation. I'll wait. Yeah, literally text him as we... You're texting him right now? Yep. Okay. I didn't really say that I was going to be talking to you. I didn't say anything like that. You don't got to tell him that if you want to keep another secret from him. So don't tell him? I would. I think you got to be done with secrets.

Yeah. What's this generational curse you're worried about? I come from, I guess, a lot of, I have a lot of like broken families that just keeps going on and on and on. And it's always the woman, either every woman in my life gets cheated on in some way or another or some sort of deceptions going on. And it sort of just breaks up families. Okay.

So you're walking down a road towards something that feels right and looks right, which is a romantic relationship. And you're just looking at wrecked cars and littered bodies on the side of this road, right? Yeah. Here's the only thing you can do is make a choice to be completely vulnerable, completely open, and stop hedging and hiding. Okay. That's it. Because here's what happens. Here's how these self-fulfilling prophecies, these quote-unquote legacies, get created.

You see grandma got cheated on a bunch. You see your mom got cheated on a bunch. You see your aunt got cheated on a bunch. You see your older sister got cheated on a bunch. And so what do you do? You do the smart thing, which is you start dating somebody and you only give them 75% because you got 25% you got to protect. Yeah. Because that's what got to be yours because you can't afford to get that one hurt. And every other woman in your life gets hurt.

And so then you see somebody, and let's say this guy's a great, wonderful guy, but he knows, he can feel it. He didn't have all of you. Yeah. And then he begins to wonder, what is it about me? Why won't she open up? Why won't she fully tell me the truth? Why can't we fully connect here? And you go in a loop and a loop and a loop, and then somebody at work texts him and says, hey, can you come by and help me with something? Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, yeah. Or he's...

unable to feel alive in his own home in his own relationship and now we carry around every pornographic movie ever made in the history of mankind in our pocket in our cell phone and it's easy just to take a quick off ramp to a like a quick get your heartbeat racing you know what i mean yeah

And then it just creates a self-fulfilling prophecy over and over. And here's what really sucks. Here's the heartbreaking truth, Mel. I'm just going to tell you the truth straight up. You can be totally vulnerable, totally open, and some idiot can still cheat on you. Yeah. But I can almost guarantee it will happen the other way. And so you have to live life with the lights on. I don't keep secrets. You want to change your family tree? I don't keep secrets. I only date men who are people of integrity, period.

Okay. I don't date guys who are already married. I don't date guys who are seeing somebody else. I date men, and I'd rather be by myself with character and integrity and hanging out with my girlfriends than being with somebody who just lies to me all the time. I'm worth that. Okay. That male starts with you deciding, I'm not going to lie. And so when your boyfriend comes over, I want you to look at him and say, I did not tell you the truth, and I put you through hell, and I'm sorry. I was ashamed. Mm-hmm.

Now, are you going to stay with this dude? Are y'all breaking up? What's the deal? I guess back when I found out everything and along with some other things he was lying about. What was he lying about?

He was lying about, I guess, well, not I guess. He did, in fact, in the past when I asked him about when we first started dating about his sexual history with other partners, he had said he had only been with one girl back in high school, but it turns out he had actually been with six different women. Okay.

And he met through, I guess, like online dating sites, just hookups that didn't really mean anything. And that was it. They didn't mean anything to him, but they meant something to you. Yes. I'm not worried about the number. I don't care about the number. I care that he looked you in the eye and lied to your face. Yeah. And you responded by lying back to him, right? Yes. Yeah.

So I'm never going to make the call on these shows about whether you should keep on going. But you guys are trying to plant a garden in a parking lot right now. There's not good soil for this relationship out of the gate. Yeah. And if you want to forgive him and decide, hey, we're going to move on, but if you ever lie to me again, yada, yada, you can do that. But he's not on the phone, so I don't want to talk about him. I want to talk about you. You have to choose...

To be a generational curse breaker, you have to decide I'm going to do something different than the people upriver from me did. Yeah. And that can be everything from I will always tell the truth. I will carry my head high. I'd rather be single then. I'll listen to all my aunts and grandparents asking me, why don't you have a baby yet? Why don't you have a baby yet? Because I haven't found the right guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, all men cheat. Nope, not the one I'm going to be with.

Basically. Wow, yeah. It's pretty much. Listen, if you don't think you're worth it, whoever you're dating is not going to think you're worth it either. Yeah. Right? So from this point forward, I want you to say, I, Mel, declare. Say it. I, Mel, declare. No more secrets. No more secrets. Only telling the truth. Only telling the truth. And I'm going to make right all my lies. And I'm going to make right all my lies.

Today's your new day. Today's your birthday, Mel. Okay? Yes. And by the way, anybody you're in a relationship, they're going to hurt you. Either accidentally or they're going to do it on purpose. That's the nature of relationships. The question is, how do you keep your integrity and your dignity and work through repair? Come back together. Yeah. And if you repair things by lying and getting angry and throwing things, it's never going to be repaired. It's going to be bondo. It's going to be duct tape. It's never going to be strong. Mm-hmm.

You know what I'm saying? Yes, I understand. All right. You're worth it. You're worth it. No more secrets. No more lies. If you want to change what comes next in your generational line, you got to do different than what was done before. Is that hard? It may be the hardest thing anybody can do.

You got to go seek other women, maybe not in your family, that is doing life the way you want it to be done. And you got to go sit with them and have coffee with them and go have drinks with them and go have dinner with them and learn and listen, be around them and absorb the way they talk and the way they think and the way they act. That has to become part of your life. That's how we change generational trees. That's how we change family trees. Proud of you, Mel. Go do the next right thing. No more secrets, no more lies. We'll be right back.

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That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. It's time for Am I the Problem? Today it probably is me. Nope, this is from Stephanie. All right. She says, my sister-in-law recently called my husband to let him know that she's getting married in a few months. We're a military family and we don't live near them, but my husband told her that we'd be happy to make the trip to come celebrate with them.

She then informed him that they're keeping the numbers small and asked that our kids not attend, other than the groom's nephew who happens to be the same age as our kids. We have three young children and we'll have a newborn at the time. When my husband asked her what she expected him to do, she suggested that I stay home with the kids and that she would be happy so long as he was just there. She later said this to me as well, and I was speechless.

My husband told her that he couldn't do that and therefore we wouldn't be able to attend. But now he's getting phone calls from his family crying and begging him to come to his sister's wedding regardless and he feels pressured. I understand that he feels torn, but I am also hurt that my children and I have been intentionally left out. I've asked him not to go. Am I the problem? Jeez. Yes and. It's yes and. Everybody's a problem here except husband. There is no winner in this one. None.

Everybody's a loser. Which is why I handed it to you. Everybody's a loser. Oh, man. So have a small wedding if you want. That's cool. Invite somebody and say you can't bring any of your family, especially your newborn. Cool. You can't get your feelings hurt if that doesn't work for them. Right? You can do whatever you want in your wedding, but you have to keep your hands open for that doesn't work for everybody else. On the other side, if you are a sister-in-law and they're trying to keep it very, very small and...

They say specifically, hey, we don't want you here. Hey, there's probably something else going on there. You get to get your feelings hurt. That's fair. But then poor sweet husband right in the middle here. It's just a mess. I'm trying to think if it's me, I probably would not go. I probably would stay at home. And I don't know that there's a right or wrong on that one. You're just going to make somebody mad. But I would probably default to helping out with a newborn. That'd probably be my option.

We've got to take care of just sitting here. What would you do? You'd go, huh? I think I would want my husband to go. It's your sister. I don't agree with all this. I'm irritated. And can we find some help because I'm going to be home with a newborn? Can my mom come in or something? I want you to go because it's your sister, but my feelings are hurt. But I wouldn't want to put him in that position to make him choose between

his family and me. Yes, it sounds like she's being a bit of a brat, the sister, but... And that's what I'm saying. So you're being a rational... You're being the caller. Right. I got my feelings hurt. That sucks. This is lame. It's your sister. Just go. It's your family. Just go. I'm thinking of being the guy here in the middle of this

He can't win. If wife says no with four little ones and I'm a military family, so I'm already moving all the time. I'm already gone all the time anyway. And they probably don't have a ton of money because, you know, military doesn't make a ton of money. Right. And I only want to be there where people want my family there. Yeah. Or at least my wife. I mean, to say that about the wife, well, she just can stay home. Yeah.

Heck, I mean, I understand if she says, I understand if y'all can't make it, this is what we've decided to do. Great. That's fantastic. And there's layers to this. So for that to be said, there's some tension there between sister and wife that already exists. Or even if there's not tension, there's some little bit of princess in the sister who, this is what I want. Yeah. And it's my wedding. And when I get married, she comes with. Yeah. Unless we're going to see...

or Theo Vaughn and Sheila's like, I'm just gonna stay home. All right, then it's just me or any number of metal concerts. She doesn't come to that either. But I get it. I get it. But yeah, I would stay at home with my family. So who's the problem? Everybody in the club. Do you think? Yeah. Yeah. Let him go to the wedding. It's his sister.

Clearly she's a diva and she's dramatic, but just go. And husband, don't you go. Don't go. I think the thing is you have to give him the choice. And then he's got to stay home. Dude, don't go. Don't go. Trust me. Don't go. Love you guys. Bye.