I Think I Am a Narcissist
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have been wondering and probably have come to the realization that I think I might be a narcissist. I'm not entirely sure if the root cause of that is my past trauma. I feel like I'm just making it as an excuse. The fact that you're asking this question in a compassionate way already puts you way in the probably not category. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Sure, we talk to real people going through real challenges about their mental and emotional health or relationships, whatever you got going on in your personal life. My goal here is to sit with you in the mess and we figure out what's the next right step. What's the next right step? Because here's the thing that nobody told you. You get to decide what happens next. You get to choose.

You get to choose what happens next, and that's what we do here. We try to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And big show today because Kelly's gone and Taylor's gone and the great and powerful James Childs is back in the SEAT. What's up, dude?

Man, I kind of thought when I left that you guys would just sunset the show. I didn't realize it was going to keep going. Yeah, it's staggering how fast and how much it's grown. I guess I kind of get out of your way. You loosened it. That's right. You loosened it. And then Kelly just came by and released it. I'm a fan of the new intro music. The old one wasn't great. Wasn't feeling it. You did make the old one though, huh? I mean, I chose it. I didn't make it. You chose... Oh, wow. I tolerated it. Well, we chose the next right thing and it was to get rid of that music and...

Find some new tunes. Man, it's like putting on an old pair of underwear you find in the back of the drawer. Everything just feels right having Jimmy Childs back in the seat. It's awesome. All right, let's go out to Sacramento, California and talk to Amy. What's up, Amy? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm great. How are you?

Pretty good. Pretty nervous. Oh, don't be nervous. I'm not that good at this. You know that. What's up? I have been wondering and probably have come to the realization that I think I might be a narcissist. And I have seen a lot of narcissistic traits on the internet that I kind of resonated to. And I have been sabotaging...

my relationships as well because I don't know if it's... I'm not entirely sure if the root cause of that is my past trauma, but I don't... I feel like I'm just making it as an excuse. Okay. I will tell you that few things in the world are over-dramatized and over-complicated and over-explained and over-fake-diagnosed as narcissism on the internet. Okay. Okay?

The fact that you're asking this question in a compassionate way already puts you way in the probably not category. Okay. Not all the way. Not all the way. I'm trying to think of the right way to approach this. Name somebody that you love. My mom. Tell me about her. She's very kind and compassionate. Okay. She's very selfless.

and has raised me very well, even though she's far away. Where is she? She lives in a different country. Okay. And she has never failed to, even though we're far apart, she has never failed to make her feel that she loves us and that she's still with us and reminding us to stay grounded and practice.

really have the strength in our core values, family, love, respect. Sure. So what happened as a child that makes you kind of feel like you're the, the, the tracks you were riding on in life are, are, are wobbly? The child, um, the childhood is pretty rocky for me. Tell me about it. Most of it, it was good. Um, but growing up, Oh, sorry. It's okay. You're good. Um, um,

I saw my father beat her up as well, like physical abuse. And I love my father. He's a good financial provider, but he has a bit of controlling issues because he's the financial provider himself.

It seems to me that his way has to be, like, we should follow his way. And, like, there was an affair that happened between the two of them. Like, my father kind of cheated, and then also my mom kind of cheated. And then I think that that doesn't justify the action of my father beating my mom. No, not at all.

So a man can be a great financial provider and a terrible human being. Okay. Yeah. And your father, he might know how to make money and he might know how to put you in school or send you over to America, to the US. He might know how to put cash in your checking account and still be a horrific man for beating up your mom in front of you.

Yeah. On multiple occasions, right? I mean, like, so, all right. So you're here and you're scrolling TikTok, you're scrolling Instagram, and you're seeing these five steps to know someone's a narcissist. And suddenly you're starting to go, oh God, I think that's me. What are some things you're seeing in these descriptions of these clickbait, these reels or whatever, that makes you think I might have narcissistic personality disorder?

It's the lack of empathy. I think I'm kind of stuck in my other wound that affected me, that affected myself first, that I'm still questioning my, my words and feel guilty about it. I don't think you lack empathy. You just told me how you're empathetic to your mom and you like your whole voice changed.

Yeah. I think if it's a family member, I am like that. I love my family, but I'm struggling too. How long have you been in the U.S.? Seven years. Seven years? Is English your first language? No, it isn't. Do you pass as a traditionally Caucasian person? I'm sorry, can you say that again? Do you pass as a traditionally Caucasian person? No, I'm not. Okay.

So you get dropped in the U.S. during an incredibly hostile last decade, right? Mm-hmm. You're learning a language. You are roundly known. You're seen. And when you walk into a room, not like us, you don't know anybody. You're dropped. You see what I'm saying? You know without a doubt, I cannot trust my father. I know without a doubt, both I love my mom and I harbor, and probably if you went there, there's some anger around your mom too.

You seem to have a lot of feelings. I do. Okay. I think another part of that is I was also sexually violated when I was young. Okay. I'm so sorry, Amy. Yeah. How old are you now? I'm 30. If I can tell you one thing is that your body has learned your body, not your mind, but your body. Not that they're separate, but in this case.

Like take your fist right now and put it right in the middle of your chest. Okay. Like right there has learned people are not trustworthy because people will hurt you. Yes. Did you know the person who sexually assaulted you? It's my mother's half brother. Okay. I can't trust family. Now I get dropped into a new culture, a new language, a new I don't look like anybody. Everybody's marching and yelling and screaming and hating. Your body knows I'm not safe anywhere.

Yeah. And so a squashing of trying to absorb the feelings and energy and compassion of the people around you makes perfect sense. Because every time you've done that in your life, it got you hurt from an uncle, from your dad, from your mom, from the people you got dropped off with in the U.S. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, yes. Do you have an exaggerated feeling of self-importance? Do you believe you're better than the rest of the world? No, no. Okay. Okay.

Would you rather people put you on a pedestal and bow before you, or would you rather somebody that you deeply trusted come up and hug you and hold you? That deeply trust in someone hold me. Okay. And hug me. Yeah. I don't do diagnostics on this show. I just don't do it. There's too much involved, but you're not a narcissist. Okay. Okay? You're not broken. I think your body's actually working really well. Okay. Okay?

Okay. Will you do me a huge favor? Take a huge deep breath and hold it. Three, two, let it out. Tell me about your friend group here in the U.S. I don't have a lot. I have met most of them through my siblings, but I have a few that are out of state. I haven't told them about my...

My past. Your siblings know? I'm sorry. I have told my siblings, but I haven't told about my friends about my, I haven't told my friends about my past and because there's still a part of me that's like shameful of that. Yeah. I just shared it to my brother a couple of months ago and that helped me a lot. Was he compassionate in his response? He is. What a great man. Good for him. Mm-hmm.

Good for him. And that might be the first man in your life that responded in a compassionate and vulnerable way, where he said, I see you and I still love you, right? Yes, he is a great man. That's awesome. He's a great man I trust, honestly. Okay, so what's your religion of origin? I was raised in a Roman Catholic household. Okay. And I am practicing Christian. Okay. Okay.

In Roman Catholic and in Christian, there's some, and this is in every major religion, there's some ethos of confession. And especially the Christian religion, Roman Catholic religion, they've turned it into name all the bad things you did last week. There's something much deeper to the idea of confession. Okay. The origin is I'm sitting with somebody who's hurting and I drop my shoulders and I say, this happened to me. And they say, I see you and I still love you.

Or as the great David Kessler says, he's a grief researcher here in the U.S., a practitioner really. He says grief demands a witness. What does that mean? You have to find safe places, safe people where you can tell your story. That's true. You bottling and holding all this in compresses the ability to meet other people where they are. It's vulnerability. And I hate that word. It just is what it is what it is.

Okay. So that means some people need to find a therapist. Some people need to find a trusting faith community. Some people have an amazing brother like you have. Some people have close, close, close friends. I'm going to implore you as a 30-year-old. I think your mission over the next four or five years is to get some great girlfriends, some great friends that you can be honest and open with.

It might be getting in your local phone book there in Sacramento and finding or get online, phone book. It made me sound like I'm a thousand years old. Get online and find like an abuse recovery group that can meet. But you need to be with other people where you can tell your story in a safe place. And your whole body, here's the transition you're hoping to make. I wasn't safe then. I am safe now.

Okay. Okay. That's very helpful. Does that resonate with you? Yeah, I've never thought of it that way. Okay. You care about other people. Other people aren't your jet fuel to get through a day, right? You don't walk around thinking you are better than everyone, and so they are essentially the sidewalk with which you will walk on to accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish. That's not you. Mm-hmm.

You're an amazing young woman who got hurt real, real bad by people who were supposed to care and love about her and then got shipped off to another country and said, go figure it out. Does that sound right? Yes, it is correct. Can I tell you that I think you're brave for making this phone call and I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Will you call somebody today? Whether that's a local counselor or a local friend and say, I just need some things I need to talk to you about. Yes, I will. And I actually have therapy tomorrow as well. Good. Does your therapist know about all this?

Yes, she has. Okay. I want you to ask her, I want you to say the words, I'm ready to start taking some action. Yeah. And you're going to have two different kinds of action. You're going to have one kind of action, which is healing from the actual abuse. Yes. And if she hasn't or is in the process of starting through a trauma therapy that will walk you back through...

and free your body from that, then I want you to ask for that. I'm ready to start into the trauma therapy. This can have some breathing exercises, some calming techniques, and then we're going to go back to hell where things happen and we're going to teach our bodies that we're okay now, right? There's a whole process. The second thing is I want you to ask your therapist, I want you to say, I want to find a group in town where I can begin to tell my story.

and be comfortable in my own skin here in Sacramento, California, in the U.S. at the age of 30, I want to start living my life forward now. Okay. Okay? Now just think about that. Think about 35-year-old Amy. Free. Does that sound so good? Yeah, very. And calming. Amy, you're not broken. There's not something wrong with you, okay? There's not something wrong with you. I think your body's working pretty good.

And for just for good measure, you may want to ask your therapist. You think I have narcissistic personality disorder? And your therapist will probably spit her coffee out and say, I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm really grateful for the call, Amy. And everybody on the Internet, stop calling everybody narcissist. Stop. Stop. Let's just take a moratorium on the word narcissist. Cool. Cool. All right. We'll be right back.

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So I... Do you mind if I give you a basic rundown of what's happening? Rock and roll, man. Rock and roll. I don't know. Yeah, fill me in. Awesome. Okay, so I was diagnosed a couple years ago with a league of spermy. I'm not sure if you're familiar. Yeah, dude. Yeah, like infertility, right? And I ended up dating a girl who... Hold on a second. That...

I thought there was a small percentage. There is a small percentage, but my doctor was talking about it in terms of like, I don't remember what the sperm count was exactly, but he- It was super low? Yeah, it was really low. The opportunity or the chances of me getting someone pregnant were, I saw them on paper. I don't remember what they were, but they were extremely low. Risk was zero? Yeah.

Yeah, basically zero. Okay. All right. And, uh, I mean, I was raised in a big family, so family is kind of all I know. I got seven siblings and I, you know, I kind of helped raise them all. So always wanted to be a dad. Um, anyways, I ended up, uh, I ended up going out with this woman who I was madly in love with. And I, you know, my whole family thought that we were going to get married and I thought we thought we were going to get married and whatnot. And, um, uh,

And, uh, we got by the grace of God, right. Um, we got pregnant and, um, she, she called me, she was out of state when, uh, when she found out she called me and she let me know.

And it was a big deal to me, right? I mean, because I thought that we were never going to be able to have kids. And it seemed like this miracle would happen. And I was ecstatic. You know, I was still living with my family, but I was like, well, I had enough money saved up. I was like, hey, if we got to get out of here, you know, we have no other choice. I want to provide for you. I want to provide for that child. I want to be the father you and that baby would need, right?

But she told me she told me she wanted an abortion and I told her, OK, you're you know, you're fully entitled to do what you'd like with your body. But just know that I'm entitled to handle this situation how I see fit. And if you get an abortion, I will pay for it because this is my responsibility. But at the same time, I don't want to I can't in good conscience be with you after something like that.

Um, so we broke up for about two days. Uh, I thought we didn't know what was going to happen, but, um, she was like, Nope, I want an abortion. So I said, okay, and we are broken up. And when you come back to Colorado, um, I will get you the abortion and we will go our separate ways. Um, two days after that, she gave me a call and she says she changed her mind. And obviously I was extremely happy.

And she was like, we can have the baby. And so I said, okay, perfect. We'll make things work. Then literally by the end of the day, as we were texting, she said, I'm sorry, I can't, I can't do it. And I had to change a heart. And I was like, I'm madly in love with this woman. You know, I want to make things work. We can get the abortion if we need to, and I'll stay with you.

Um, and we ended up having a miscarriage about three months into the, uh, into the, she, she had found out she was pregnant and she had been pregnant for about a month and a half at that point. And by the time she got back to Colorado, she was about two and a half months pregnant. And, um, the day before she got back, she had a miscarriage.

We had a miscarriage and, um, but the whole, the whole, I don't know what you want to say, you know, fetus baby, whatever it didn't, um, it didn't come out completely. So I had to take her for an abortion procedure anyway, even though the baby was already gone. And, um, she told me, um, after she went, one of the big reasons I was really upset over the abortion was because she, her birthday was coming up in the following month.

What she wanted to do. Hold on. Bro, this story is so jacked. I'm sorry. Just get to the question. How can I help you? Let me just say this. I don't believe any of this. And here's what I don't believe. You have a doctor that tells you your ability to have children is zero. Your girlfriend magically, in your words, by the grace of God, gets pregnant. What's the chance it's not yours? I put that at 100%. What do you think? Wow.

I don't know. I mean, we had, we had a lot of problems in our relationship, but I, you know, our sex life was probably the healthiest aspect of it. No. Um, I believe that. Are you living in, I mean, is it denial or is it like, have you not gone down these roads or can you just not wrap your head around that potentially happening? I guess I can't wrap my head around it. I mean, I, um, yeah, I can't really, it's crazy to me.

Crazier than a doctor saying, man, I'm so sorry. I'm going to grieve with you. This isn't going to happen for you. And then it magically happening. Yeah, I guess it is a little crazy.

Okay. Um, I guess my main question though is, uh, I am, we broke up and now I'm my, my, my lifelong, like want to have kids is just like magically disappeared. Not magically, obviously, but it's, it's gone. And the idea of having children now is, um, it hurts and I can't see myself as a father anymore. And I really want that back because one day I do want to be a dad, but, um,

Yeah, bro. I mean, you've had a lot. If we just follow the data, okay? I don't know your girlfriend. I don't know y'all's relationship. I don't know your sex life. I don't know any of that stuff. I'm just going to follow the data as you laid it out for me. Okay. The most likely scenario is your girlfriend got pregnant by somebody else, didn't want to keep that baby, didn't want to lose you, and then who knows what happens after that. And...

The idea of I'm going to terminate a child that like you told me, you started the whole call saying my whole life was family. It's all I ever wanted. I come from a huge family. It's what I wanted. And then the first rattle out of the bag is we're going to terminate this thing. And what role am I going to play? I'm going to spend money on it. I'm going to like, yeah, like the idea of fatherhood is a, not a pleasant experience in your heart and mind and body. It's a mess. But until you fully grieve,

That for this, like you have been able to ignore reality because for whatever reason, you were blinded by this woman. Or as you said, I was madly in love with her to the point that I denied reality on multiple different fronts. I violated core values. I violated like what my doctor said. I violated reality. I mean, I violated all these different constructs. Right.

Your body's going to continue to solve for reality over and over and over. It will loop and loop and loop on that. Yeah. Until you exhale. There is something a little deeper here. Do you mind if I get into it? Yeah, get right to it. Okay. She had told me after the miscarriage that it was my fault, and I kind of feel that way. Don't. Stop, stop, stop. It wasn't. It wasn't. Okay? Stop. It wasn't your fault.

Were you abusive? Not physically. We got in our fair share of heated arguments, though, for sure. I'm not proud of it, but I've said things. We both said things we regretted. But no, I've never laid a hand on her or anything. And were most of those arguments over the phone because she was in another state? No, because she had lived with me. She was just visiting her family at the time. But no, most of the arguments were in person. I mean...

I don't think the miscarriage is your fault. I'm losing less and less and less and less and less respect for this person that you were with. Yeah, but the way she said it, I understood what she was saying. I mean, she was diagnosed bipolar and she had clinical depression. And she said she had told me that I made it worse. And I know that those can all play into factors of a pregnancy. So how can I help you right now?

I just want to feel like I could be a father again. I want to get that urge back, that want back, that life goal. The same way I want to do other things in life, I want that to be one of my main goals as well. Okay. You've got to go sit with somebody. You've got to go sit with a counselor in front of you. You have to say all the things that you've said to me. And you have to gently and with compassion begin trafficking in reality. Okay? Okay. Is that cool?

Yes, sir. Absolutely. And here's what trafficking reality will be. I want you to have the courage to tell your therapist, your counselor. Do you have somebody that you already talked to? Not anymore. No. Okay. All right.

What, where I, I, sometimes it's this, I know like calling into the show, it's nerve, it's nerve wracking. I can hear your voice rattling. What's that from? What's underneath that? Are you, is it nervous to call the show? Are you? No, I'm not. No, I'm actually extremely comfortable to talk to you. I've, uh, where does that, where does that come from? Is what I'm saying resonating with you? Are you angry? Like what, what is that?

No, it's resonating with me. It's just hard. It's a little difficult to accept. I've spent, I mean, the miscarriage happened a year ago, so I spent a lot of time. It's just difficult. I spent a lot of time putting it off and now I'm talking about it. Okay, fair. It will hold. Yeah, your body will hold it. What does that mean in an alt reality where your girlfriend got pregnant by somebody else and she then drags you through hell and

Over the next six to nine months, are you able to exhale in that reality and say, wow, I got taken for a ride. I'm going to learn some lessons and then I'm going to be an amazing dad, whether biologically, which according to your doctors, probably not going to happen, or I'm going to go adopt some kids. I'm going to go take the next steps because being a dad is important to me. Right. What does that sound like?

Is that too much to even wrap your head around? Yeah, it's a lot to comprehend. I can't lie to you. It's a lot. But I guess I never even thought to consider the possibility that it could have been somebody else's. Okay. Just know, just hearing this cold is just some random dude halfway across the country. That's the first place my head went. Yeah. Okay. And the second thing is,

Let's say that there was some sort of miracle. And as you said, by God's grace, you got your girlfriend pregnant, which is interesting, but we'll just go with it. While you're living at your mom's house. We'll just go with all of it, okay? Okay. You told me that your whole life, the lighthouse on the hill for you was to be a dad. Yeah. How in the world are you going to pay for an abortion?

I have a good job. No, not financially, goofball. I'm talking about... Oh, sure. I'm talking about... This is your whole life. Yeah. And I'm not getting into the pro-choice, pro-life thing here. I'm just saying you told me this was your shining moment. I wanted to be a dad. Since everything I can remember, I'm imagining you come from a pretty great home, huh? Yeah, I got a good family. Okay. So I can't wrap my head around...

You not fighting tooth and nail for the life of this kid that you, that in your words, God violated the laws of health and wellness per your doctor and granted you this gift. It seems to me there's a deep and profound, like I violated my own virtue. I violated my own value. Am I wrong there?

No, you're not. I guess I just thought that sacrifices had to be made for the people we love, and I loved her, and I thought that's the way it was. Yeah, I get that, but I think you also loved that little baby, too. Yeah. Yeah, I would have. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yes, sir. So I think there's two things to grieve here. Number one is, man, you got hurt bad. Yeah. And number two...

I don't care what your values are, but you had some firm values and you violated those. Or at least went down a set of road to violate them. Right. And then you had somebody on the other end that blamed you for that. Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir. So let's take all, like this is a hot third rail. There's all kind of third rail mess going on here. Let's take it completely out for a second. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Let's say all you ever wanted to do was be a tennis player. That was it. I want to be a professional tennis player and play tennis. I want to play tennis. I want to play tennis. And then someone you care about, y'all got tangled up in an accident on purpose. Who knows? Who cares? Shattered your elbow in some sort of accident. So you're sitting there holding your arm, your elbow is shattered. You have to ask yourself, all right, those things happen. What's, what's, what's, I get to choose what happens next. What am I going to do next?

Are you going to go see a surgeon? Are you going to sit down and go through the hellacious process of getting cut open, getting your bones fixed, and then go through another hellacious process of rehab? Because I have an end goal, and that's to get back on that court. And all of that, by the way, is going to be painful. It's all going to be painful. Yeah. Or am I going to choose what I believe is to be an even greater pain, which is just sit here, hurting, letting my arm...

crookedly heal on its own, and then just going about my day, stuffing it down and stuffing it down and stuffing it down. Both of those paths are going to have pain involved. One of those paths will get you back on the court. One of those paths will not. That's a good way to put it. So here's the deal. You can go sit in front of a therapist and say, I violated my core value. I violated me, and I got to learn to rebuild trust and soul. And

I didn't want to see it until this knuckleheaded YouTuber called it out. But I think I got taken for a ride. I concur with that. Okay. I think I got taken for a ride from start to finish all the way through. Then I got blamed for the ride. And not only did I start to consider an abortion and I was going to pay for it, even though that's the only thing I've ever wanted to be was a dad. I also treated a woman wrong.

With dishonor and disrespect by screaming and swearing at her. Yeah. Okay. I became somebody that I abhor and I want to become somebody worth trusting and loving again. Okay. You can take that path or you can do what you've done the last year, which is just bury this thing all the way down and just keep working and making money and having the world pat you on the back. And I'm telling you right now, you're going to implode. Yeah. So you have two painful paths forward. One of these can end forever.

With you either, man, I'd go get my, I'd go get checked again by the doctor. Okay. I mean, why not? Right? Yeah, it doesn't hurt. And yeah, that's one of those tests that doesn't hurt, right? And the other side of that is in X number of years, you're either holding your baby or you're holding an adopted baby and you started a family. Yeah, one can hope. Yeah. Beyond that, brother, one can go do. One can go do. Right.

Is that fair? Yes, sir. It is. Absolutely. I want you to do something I've been telling people to do for the last few years, okay? Absolutely. You got it. I want you to go to Home Depot today or Lowe's or some local hardware store, and I want you to buy a cinder block. Just one. Okay. Okay? It's going to cost you like six bucks or five bucks. I want you to take it home, and I want you to put a piece of duct tape on it, and your friends and family are going to think you're crazy, and I don't care. They don't get a vote. And I want you to write on there, I became somebody temporarily, temporarily.

that I don't ever want to become again. And for 20 or 30 minutes, I want you to carry that thing around your backyard until it gets so heavy, you have to throw it down. Okay? You can put on music. You can put on your headphones, listen to podcasts. I don't care. I want you to carry it around until it gets so heavy. I want you to keep seeing it. And then once you throw it down, I want you to tear off that duct tape, and I want you to wad it up and throw it in the trash.

And I want you to put that cinder block somewhere in the backyard where it can just stay. And then we're going to set this stuff down and go do the next right thing. Okay. Is that fair? Yes, sir. You've been carrying the keys to hell, the gates for a year now, right? Yeah. Yeah, bro. I'm not carrying them anymore, man. I'm setting the keys down. I'm going to go sit with somebody and be seen. Tell my story. I'm going to be seen. I'm going to go to the doctor and get the data that I need. I'm going to grieve this stuff. Then I'm going to go do the next right thing because I want to be a dad. Yeah. Fair? Yeah.

Yes, absolutely. How old are you, man? I'm 19. I'll be 20 soon. Okay. Bro, you aren't even out of the gate yet. I know. I thought you were going to tell me you were 37 years old. No, I know. I know. I was worried somebody was going to ask my age and then it was going to change things. No, no, no. Pain is pain is pain, man. Yeah. What I'll tell you is the sun will come up tomorrow.

And right now it feels like you are stuck inside a smoke cloud in the middle of the night and it feels pitch black. Right. I promise you the sun comes up. Cool. I'll take your word for it. All right. Hey, that's, you know what? In times of darkness, that's all we do. I had one of my closest mentors told me, um, sometimes life is like swinging through the jungle and you're swinging on a vine and the vine runs out and you let go and you don't see the other vine coming through the jungle and you're just falling. Um,

And as you're falling, you look up and you see other people ahead of you still swinging. And that gives you that ounce of trust that a vine is coming. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, I've had my heart broken. I've violated my values. And I've sat in the darkness with some men that were older than me that said, hey, just hang in there. Do the next right thing. Okay? Okay. You'll make a call today to go sit with somebody? Yes, sir. Excellent. You'll make a doctor's appointment today? Go get checked up?

You got it. Yes, it's a Monday. Yeah, I can do that. You can do it. You'll go get a cinder block, put this thing down? Hell yeah. Absolutely. Excellent, excellent. Call me back in 30 days. Let me know how you're doing, okay? Appreciate your call, brother. Okay, I will. All right. Thank you so much, Dr. John. Have a good one. All right, brother. You got it. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around.

But one thing you might not think about, though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past. It's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it.

You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others.

And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning.

As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing.

three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Columbia, South Carolina and talk to you because I got to have faith, a faith, a faith. What's up, Faith? Hey, sir. How are you? I'm good. How about you? I'm good, actually. Thank you for asking. Of course. What's going on?

So I'll preface with a few things and then jump in and I may be a little all over the place, but just bear with me for a sec. Lucky for you. I'm never all over the place. I am. Okay. Great. Good. Um, okay. So right now my husband is the sole provider. I'm not working. I'm seven months pregnant and I'm in school full time. I do keep kids a little bit, but it's, you know, it's,

It's nothing major. But anyways, once I stopped working, we went over our budget and realized that we don't really have a whole lot of extra income. Doing single income has been a little challenging, which is fine. But when I was working, I...

Would pretty often go and get things like a coffee before work or I would go clothes shopping and all of that has kind of had to be cut out, which is okay. But I've had a really hard time doing without that.

What's the hard time? What does that mean? Well, I was going to say, I think it's less actually getting stuff and more going out and spending money. And that kind of scares me. My...

Mom was like that and it put our family in a pretty tough financial situation. And I don't ever want to get to a point where I feel like I'm out of control in terms of my spending. And even right now, sometimes I'll tell myself, just stay home, don't go anywhere, don't get anything. And then sometimes I still end up getting a coffee or getting...

food out if I'm grocery shopping or whatever it is. But I don't want to one day put a financial strain on my family because I can't use self-control when it comes to spending. Are you... Let me get beneath that. Give me two or three things that make you enraged. Like, put money aside. Like, two or three things that just...

Like your thermometer just goes real fast and it just bursts. You just get angry. Are we talking like anything at all? Anything at all. Okay. Child neglect. You personally. Generally rude. Okay. Generally rude people. Okay. Like not thoughtful people. And then...

Maybe being told what to do. There it is. Anytime you ask somebody three things, you always get the answer on number three. Well, it took me a second to figure out what you were getting at. Tell me about your dad. He was...

He... Don't couch it. Just tell me. Okay. He was a good man. And in his marriage to my mom, he ended up being very beaten down and broken because she didn't like being told what to do. And I don't think he knew how to say no. And so he's a really good guy and he loves us very much. I think he just was very overwhelmed and...

Kind of a broken guy. Tell me about your mom's dad. He was an abusive alcoholic. He was not present. And my dad wasn't super present growing up. I don't fault him for that, but my mom's dad was not present either. He just worked a lot. Okay. And do you see it? Is there a pattern? Yeah. You grew up with a parent who struggles with addiction. Yeah.

I've said it on the show before, you are grabbing at ghosts. It's a very unstable place for a kid to be. It's one of the most terrifying places for a kid to be. And I don't have any data to back this up, but I often wonder if a parent leaving a child is less destabilizing to a kid's nervous system than a parent who struggles with addiction. Because at least when a parent leaves completely, that kid has to grieve that, right? Yeah.

When a parent is there and they struggle with addiction, they're there, but they're not there. It's unmooring, right? It unspools a child. And again, you and I could talk for hours and kind of unpack all this, but I'm wondering if your mom at a young age said, I will control every freaking variable from this point forward. I will never feel like this again. I think...

I think me and my siblings have been able to see some of that in my mom. And again, I don't fault her. I can see why she feels that way. I'm not saying any fault. I'm not saying any fault. Yeah, I know. I will say there's a fault if you destroy your family with your habits, right? Or your financials or your partner.

And I don't want to get to that point and be totally unaware and just be... And I can tell that it stresses my husband out a little bit right now. And he tries not to say too much because he knows that I enjoy the occasional coffee, but I don't want to stress him out. This isn't about coffee, though. It's not about coffee. No, it's not. It's not. Can I tell you what I think it is? I think you're losing trust in faith. Mm-hmm.

And I think you have to reestablish trust with faith because you tell yourself all the time, I'm not going to, I'm not going to. And then you go do it and you go do it. No, you're right. I do. Cause I, I'm like, okay, I'm not, I'm not going to go out and spend money. I'm not going to do this. And then I am spending money and I don't understand why I can't just stop. You can. You can. I can. You can.

But that's not the real issue here. The real issue is underneath that, who in your life do you feel like they are telling you what to do to a point that you have to reject that, kick and scream against it?

I think my siblings and I had kind of a hard childhood. And then when I got out of the house, I was involved in a pretty harmful relationship, I would say. And I think after I got hurt, I was engaged and I broke it off. And I think after that,

Well, I know after that, I would tell myself all the time, I'm never, ever letting anybody dictate what I do ever again because I'm not going to get hurt like that again. Ta-da. So you think that correlates with it? I mean, you just said it. Yeah. And you've probably heard me say this a million times on this show, but the things that kept us safe during scary times in our lives are the things that will destroy our present and future relationships. Mm-hmm.

Growing up with a mom who was a tyrant, who will never let anybody tell her what to do, who just ran over your dad, who is dealing with her own dysregulated nervous system because of her childhood. That's scary for a kid and a bunch of siblings, right? Yeah, it was. And then you run to somebody who feels safe, but oh my gosh, I'm just repeating this pattern because we married our unfinished business. Here we go again. I will never freaking do that again. And that's not a bad thing.

But then you met this new guy and you looked him in the eye and you said, I do. And then y'all decided to create humans together. And then you ran into this awful thing that the whole world is having to deal with. And it's called math. Like I want this life, but this is the life that I can have. And it's easy when it becomes about, I should be able to have a coffee. You're right. But me and him said we wouldn't. And that just becomes a matter of me keeping my word to myself.

I think too, there's a part of me when we sit down and talk about finances, I totally agree with him. But then the more I sit with it, the more it feels like, or maybe I twist it in my own head and then it starts to feel like I'm being told what to do. That's it. And then I start to get mad at it. Can I tell you what that is? That's a good old fashioned temper tantrum.

Oh, dear. Or more than that, it's just, it's a childish response. Oh. I mean, isn't it? Right. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. It's just kicking and screaming. And so, I grew up in a money insecure house, okay? I never missed a meal. My parents never missed a mortgage payment, nothing like that. But things were so tight all the time. Yeah. Even to this day.

To this day, last night, of all times to get this call, last night, my wife and I did a budget for this upcoming month. I gently, I do this every time, I put my own hand on my chest because I feel it. I feel it. My body gets tense. I'm in my 40s, Faith. And unfortunately for my wife, her body feels my body get tense and then she starts responding. It starts a whole domino effect.

And my guess is that when you and your husband are sitting there doing budgets and you agree on it and you start getting pissed off, he starts feeling less than because he doesn't make enough money to support his wife. Yeah. And I don't want him to feel like that. I know. And then he turns into your dad. Right. Right. And I could see us turning into my mom and dad very easily if I don't get it together. It's not a matter of getting it together. I don't want you to look at this as though you're somehow broken.

I want you to look at this as a series of skills that you don't have. Okay. Okay? And if I invited you over and said, your job on our basketball team is to make all the free throws and you never shot them, the one thing you would do over and over is practice free throws. Mm-hmm. And so I want you to practice. If you moralize it, you're going to go to war against it. That's the pattern that your family has set. If someone tells you what to do, you fight the system. Mm-hmm.

And if you're always fighting this system, you're going to get exhausted and you're going to quit. You're going to go violate the thing that you said you wouldn't do. If you wake up every day and you say, you know what I get to do today? I get to take one more step to me and my husband never having to worry about money ever. Yeah. That's different than waking up and be like, well, I can't spend anything today. You're right. Does that make sense? It does. So what's beneath the coffee? Because you can afford to have nice coffee in your house. Yeah.

It's that you want to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it, right? I think you're right. Because when, I don't know, I think when I can't or when I don't, well, we just talked about this, or when someone tells me what to do, I just, I feel like maybe I'm losing control a little bit. That's right. And it freaks me out. And Faith, when you signed up to marry this guy, you ceded control. You're right. I don't know.

that I realized that, but I do now. But here's the deal. You didn't see total control. You see it to co-create what comes next. And you have to recognize your body has leaned on other people before and it's gotten burned bad. And so I'm going to practice leaning on this guy. What does all that mean? What does practice mean? Like, I say that a lot and it sounds all floofy. Here's what it means. It means you have to practice pulling into a Starbucks without thinking and then catching yourself

feeling annoyed, putting your hand on your chest, feeling annoyed, and then driving away. You have to feel yourself doing a budget with him and starting to feel yourself getting pissed and say out loud, I wasn't safe then, but I am safe now. That just has to be a choice. And if you're like me, practice was even harder than that. So there were seasons when I gave my debit card to my wife. I did that once before. And then there was one time that I needed it. And

I ended up getting annoyed with him. It was literally not his fault at all. But I thought we've talked about doing that as well. I want you to, I'm giving you permission to spend some money. Okay. And tell your husband this. I want you to go to the store tonight or get on Amazon tonight. And I want you to buy a small journal and I want you to call it your blame journal. Okay. And every time you start to blame somebody else for the way you feel, I want you to write it down.

And I think you're going to be stunned at how much you are outsourcing your own life to your granddad, to your mom, to your dad, to your siblings, to your husband, to the universe, to whoever. It's everybody else's issues. And this will be the path towards you going, oh gosh, I'm blaming him for having my debit card that I gave him because I can't control my spending, right? I know, I know. But hey, it's not an indictment. It's a thing to practice. Yeah.

I also think it's fair to sit with your husband and say, I've held you responsible for things that I feel inside my body and I'm going to stop doing that. But I'm going to have to practice it. And so when I snap or when I get mad, here's the signal that I want you to do to catch me. And you get to decide what that is. Okay. Is that fair? That's fair. And by the way, can y'all budget for coffee? Are y'all struggling that much?

Um, we can budget for coffee. It's just when he gives me an inch, I go farther. That's right. You know why? Cause it's never about the coffee. It's always about the budget. Right. Right. It's about a plan. You don't like workout plans either, do you? Um, not necessarily. So I want you to practice following a plan. Give yourself 30 days and commit to it.

Okay. If I give you and your husband the best budgeting app tool on the planet, will you use it? Every dollar? Yep. Yeah, we use that. I love it. So every time a little ding comes up, do you get mad at him? I don't think consciously. I don't think I've ever...

I mean, I felt annoyed a little bit, but I don't think I've ever realized that I get pissed at him over the budget. But now that we're talking about it, I can acknowledge that I have before. I want you to tell him you're sorry tonight. Is that fair? Yeah. Oh, for sure. And you can't spend your way. You can't earn your way out of this. And this is the pot talking to the kettle, by the way.

'Cause it's about maturity and it's about exhaling and it's about feeling safe in your own skin. And it's about delaying gratification and doing the next right thing, regardless of how you feel. And if you and your husband are co-creating a universe where your kids are going to live in X type of home and have X type of life, and you're gonna have X type of safety and security downstream,

then that requires y'all to make slow, boring, annoying decisions every day. Yeah, you're right. And I want that for our family. I just... I want you to want that for you. You've been taking care of everybody else for your whole freaking life, eh? I want you to have that peace. I think maybe now that you say that, maybe there's part of me that...

I don't know. Maybe I don't feel like it's important enough for me. You know, like I don't deserve the peace of mind that would come along with getting on the same page with my husband in terms of the budget. And I don't think you have a picture of what a married couple working together against all odds, us to ride or die, fight in the system together. I don't think you know what that looks like, much less feels like.

No, not at all. And so I want y'all to practice that together and celebrate the little wins. Celebrate the, celebrate the, dude, we went one week and I didn't buy anything outside of what you and I agreed on. Let's celebrate that. That's a big deal. We're learning new things. I wanted to so bad. I wrote it down in this little blaming journal that I got. I wanted to get coffee every day. I want to go out to lunch. I want to do all these things so bad. And I didn't. Let's celebrate it.

Because we're building a thing together. Because I am worth building a thing together. I am worth doing new things. I'm worth all that. And we're worth all that. And by the way, Faith, I think we can paralyze ourselves with overthinking these things and our childhoods and all that. And I started it. Our childhoods and this. Here's the deal. Make a budget and let's stick to it for 30 days. Let's stick to it for 30 days. We're going to do the next right thing regardless of what happened in our childhood, regardless of how we feel. We're going to do the next right, boring, hard thing. Then we're going to do it after that.

And every time we don't want to, we're going to feel it and go do it anyway. We're going to build those muscles. I believe in you, Faith. And I hope everything is great with your upcoming giving birth. I hope your baby's healthy and wonderful. And if it's a boy, I think John is a great name. Thanks for the call, Faith. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney here. And I'm going to tell you about Merrick Health, the premier health optimization platform that exists in the universe.

Their coaching and treatment plans meet you where you are to help you get where you'd like to be. Merrick Health has two packages for blood work and coaching, and both can be paid for with an HSA. And if you've never done anything like this type of in-depth blood work before, you can start with the core package. It's the one my wife is using.

The core package offers extensive lab work, 84 carefully selected biomarkers like hormone testing for estrogen markers and testosterone, body composition, cardiovascular health, metabolic health, and more.

and you get a thorough analysis and a video call review with Ameri-Health Coach. Or if you want to go all in like I do, you can have the all-in package. It includes everything in the core package plus some top-end specialized testing that helps you and me dial in everything exactly as we want it. Listen.

It's time for both of us to choose reality. And that means it's time for us to step up and take personal responsibility of our health. Head to MerrickHealth.com slash Deloney or use code Deloney at checkout to get a 10% discount on the core package or the all-in package. That's Merrick, M-A-R-R-E-K, health.com. All right, we're back. James, welcome back. That was a heavy show, man.

Yeah, I don't miss that part of it. Wow. Helping hurting people. I can see why you bailed. Jeez Louise. You're unbelievable. Fair enough. Hey, well, I got you. There are some things that you were supposed to hit at the beginning that you did not hit, such as... www.rulefollower.net.org slash James Childs. You're supposed to ask people to follow and subscribe. Hey, everybody, follow and subscribe.

We're getting close to a million subscribers, and that helps on so many different fronts. But hit the subscribe button, please, please, please, please, please. And share the show. If one of these calls was you thought, oh, man, I got somebody in my life. I need to hear that. Share it with them. That'd be great.

Ask for success stories. Hey, everybody. Man, we are crushing this. If you have been impacted by one or a bunch of these calls and you've gone to make some changes in your own life, I want to hear about them. As you listened to today, the shows get heavy. And so, man, success stories are always so good. How are you implementing some of these things in your life and making some changes?

What else coach? Money in marriage. Hey, listen, the October money in marriage has sold out, but we'd love to have you. We're doing a Valentine's weekend extravaganza here in Nashville. Go to Ramsey solutions.com slash marriage. It may already be. Is it sold out?

Maybe. Not that I've heard. Man, you are producing the crap out of this show, James. Yes, go ahead and do it. We'd love to see you here in Nashville. Me and Rachel Cruz. It's my favorite thing that we do. It's an amazing weekend event. Come to Nashville. Go to RamseySolutions.com slash marriage. What else, James? I think that's it. That's it? I'm proud of you for getting past the point in your career where you have to be micromanaged. That's awesome. Hey, and I'm glad that as all the world changes, there's one thing that's consistent.

James will follow all the rules. You still playing Fender? Just trying to make Kelly proud. You still playing Fenders? Always. You hear that, America? That's why he's not on the show anymore. Love you guys. Bye.