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I streamed Minecraft for nine hours yesterday. I know you did. I was watching you. You were watching? I was watching you, yeah. I had on the TV after I had quit my stream and I put you on and then you were just walking around a mineshaft or like some dungeon. You just kept repeating. You're like, what? What?
What is going on? What is this? What? I was enthralled by it, dude. I was going around and I was discovering all this new stuff and I kept going like, what the heck? Yeah, it was like a broken record, dude. It was honestly, it ended up being really funny though in hindsight because it was just like, I was so like, I was so sleep deprived at that point that it was just like, my brain just kept going back to it and then it turned into just like a, it just became part of my brain. What the heck?
heck? I felt like a little kid that was seeing like playing Fortnite for the first time and being like oh what the freak oh no
I like self-censoring myself instead of swearing and stuff. Dude, and you said that the having no face cam makes you, you know, have more ideas, feel more comfortable, and then still, all you could muster was, what the heck is this? And yet you recall it. I almost turned you off. That's what I was going to say. Oh, really? I almost did, yeah. Oh.
Come on. A lot of other people on that server, Ted. Come on, man. You were watching that and you were like, I'm so invested on what he's going to say next. What's he going to say next? And I come and I'm like, what the heck? And you're like, I knew it. I knew it. There it is. Yeah. That's my comfort streamer. I was comfortable too. I'm obsessed with Minecraft right now though. I haven't even expanded beyond the notion of that. I'm obsessed with cock. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. Are you a fan of sports though, Shlantz?
Yeah. Yeah, I like sports. You like sports? Sometimes I'll watch sports when there's nothing else on. What is... You're a Yankees fan, yeah? You're a baseball guy? I'm a Yankees fan, yeah. I dabble, I dabble. What is the mascot of the Yankees? Do we know? Of the Yankees? You know, the most World Series. We just kind of hold our World Series trophies up and parade that around the stadium. So you don't actually know. Instead of a little idiot in a costume. That's all we need. Well, I...
We don't have a mascot. You don't? No, the Yankees don't have a mascot. Is it just the notion of a person from New York? Babe Ruth? Listen, the Mets don't have it too great. All they can do is a fucking dude with a baseball as a head. They call him Mr. Met. Yeah, that is a bit of a... Would you like that if we had a baseball bat and we called him Mr. Yankee? Yeah. Fucking stupid.
At least Mrs. Met could get it though. You know, I think it would be really funny if we just tier listed a selection of mascots from across America, really. I mean, I feel like we're the only country that actually really has mascots. And we just kind of give them a name, give them a rank, and kind of try to figure out what their deal is. So today, we're going to be taking a look at some mascots that we may or may not know them, and we're going to rank them.
From various sports teams. We got to do E and we need E and F now. No, we don't need E. E doesn't, E's not a thing. It's not a letter. It's not a letter, Schlatt. It's not a letter. Nice try. Of course it's a letter. Yes, it is. Of course it's a letter. What are you talking about? It's not a grade. You can't get an E in school. Yeah, you can't. You can't get a fucking S in school. What is this? Yes, you can in Japan. There has to be a perfect middle. This is bullshit. You have to add an E. Yeah.
Yes, you do. You want E? I feel like E is like... We never end up using the E though. There's a middle row. There needs to be a middle in the tier list. This feels wrong. Yeah, it feels... This feels wrong. This is how you're supposed to do it. It just feels nefarious. It feels like...
I don't know. That's... I don't know. E is not a grade. What about fucking S? You started it with S. Come on now. That's... Everybody knows that ranking though. Nobody's really talking about E. Yeah, everybody's talking about S. Nobody's talking about E. C is in the middle. That makes sense. C is in the middle. Perfect middle. That makes sense. C. Okay. Okay.
Listen, I don't know any of these mascots. I only know Mr. Matt because he's the rival. I don't even know. I don't know any others. I mean, I know he's got a piece. He's got a gun? No, no, like a side piece that also hangs around the stadium sometimes. Mrs. Matt. And I hope she's on this list. Oh, yeah. And he goes around saying, you want a piece of me? You want a piece of me? Yeah, you want a piece of me? Oh, my God. There she is. That's just a drunk...
Oh, it's a woman. Mr. and Mrs. Matt. Oh, there's two. It's a whole family. Of course. Oh, okay. It's a hot young couple. Oh, bro. It's a hot young couple, yeah. Bro. This is probably the most baseline baseball mascot you could get. Why don't we just put them in a uniform and then put a baseball on someone's head and give it a nose? Let's roll with that. Yeah. It's really low effort. Oh, wow. They were masking up for COVID. And look, they're masked up. They masked up the baseball. Oh, wow.
Jesus Christ. It's essentially a flag on their face. Barely even a mask. So I guess, I mean, so just to give you guys some context, we sent Tucker out. He went and found a bunch of mascots from very, it's not a specific sport. I mean, obviously Mr. Met is baseball, but you know. We got baseball, football, college ball. We got it all.
Yeah. We went for weird or weird, well-known. Those are kind of the two big factors. Oh, yeah. And honestly, if we don't know who they are, we're going to need to give them a story. I feel like that's the best way to go about it because otherwise, how are we possibly going to rank them unless we give them their story? You know, we're all about facts here on Chuckle Sandwich. So, I mean...
I mean, what determines if something, I guess we haven't really talked about this. What determines if something is a high rank versus a low rank, do you think, Schlatt? Sexiness. Sexiness, okay. How good you think they'd be in the bedroom. Okay. Yeah.
You've been getting pretty horny recently on the podcast, Ted. So I think this is a discussion that I think you'd enjoy. Yeah. Are we talking about the three little pigs discussion? Is that specifically what we're talking about? Let's just say, I'll just say two words. Okay. Philly fanatic. Philly fanatic. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I see him already. He's the Philly fanatic. Who is he? Please don't. He's the, he's a fanatic mascot of the Phillies. Do you want to start with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. He's the Philly fanatic. So the Philadelphia Phillies, who are also in the NL East, which is the division the Mets are in, they have a fucking crackhead as a mascot called the Philly fanatic.
God, look at that. He's got a crazy mouth, too. I don't know what he's supposed to be, but holy shit, I'd love to stick my cock in there. Yeah, no, he's got a tube on his mouth that is just asking for shit to be... It's like a tighter... What are you doing? It's like a tighter Birdo mouth. This cat back here keeps attacking the fucking mirror. Keeps attacking its own reflection. Hey, we're not talking about the cat. We're talking about sticking my cock in the Philly Fanatic's beak.
Get out of here. See, now I understand why Schlatter yells at his cats mid-podcast. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're learning. You're learning. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that thing. Are you kidding me? Look at the ass on him. Look at that. Yeah, no, he's got some good stuff going on. Jesus Christ. What do you even think he would be related to? Is he a bird? He's definitely related to a few others that have the same green shaggy vibe.
Yeah, a lot of green shaggy creatures going on here. I mean, the Philly Fanatic, I mean, I think he's... He's like a grown-up Grimbley in a way. Oh, absolutely. He absolutely is a grown-up Grimbley. That's a great way to put it. He's sort of like King Grimbley. He might be King Grimbley.
And let me tell you, he's a crazy in bed. Not to keep going back to the whole bedroom conversation. I know that might not be the angle you wanted to take this episode, but I just can't get around the fact that this dude...
He lays pipe, okay? Look at that. Look at that. Look at that image. Tucker, with the two cops. Go down. Scroll down. Bro, he's humping the air in front of two police officers. You kidding me? Schlatt, not only does he lay pipe, he quite literally is the pipe. He is the pipe. Okay, he's dressed up like the...
He's dressed up like the fucking Playboy magazine guy right now. This guy, just give him a cigar and he's ready to go. He's ready to go. He's ready to go to exploit some people. Jesus. Yeah, no, he definitely seems like the kind of character that, you know, despite the fact that he is a mascot,
Some shit would come out about him. Like some sort of case is going to come out against the Philly Fanatic. Some kind of locker room scandal. Oh, absolutely. Can you imagine just being like a player for the Phillies? Oh, yeah. And being alone in the locker room, your last one to go home. All of a sudden you walk around the corner at the end of a dark hallway. You see the Philly Fanatic. The Philly Fanatic just standing there. Yeah. Yeah.
yeah he unzips his trousers starts jerking off okay i wasn't going that route i was going what route are you going consensual fun with the philly fanatic okay consensual fun is is is the ideal version yeah um
Yeah, no, oh, you were going the Wattpad route, the Wattpad Philly Fanatic fiction route. Yeah. Yeah, you know? Yeah, mine was a little bit more, like, nefarious. Like, the scene I saw in my head was, like, dangerous music playing as you walked around the corner and he shows up and it's just, like, one LED overhead light above him. I think you got the wrong vibe from the Philly Fanatic, dude. The end of a long, dark hallway. Yeah.
Philly, what are you doing here? Or he just starts sprinting at you. That's scary. That would be scary. Because his little beak scenario probably flops around when he moves, too. And his whole stomach area is probably bouncing, too. Yeah, no, he's the definition of a, he's on a list. You guys should rank him.
I'm going to give him a fucking... Okay, well, I was going to give him an E. E? Why were you going to give him an E? E for evil, dude. E for evil. And you wanted... Hey, you were the one who wanted that ranking category so badly. I mean...
How about let's agree on C for cock in that beak. Cock in that... Oh, you think it's a sleeve? You think that there's a cock hidden within his beak? No, dude. I'm saying my cock is going to be in that thing. Oh, okay.
Stop attacking the mirror. How would that even work? How would that even work, bro? I don't know. A cock in there that like it retracts. It pops out of the... It's not like he looks like a human. He looks like a creature from another planet. Oh, he's humanoid enough to know that the dick would be right where our dick is. That's a dangerous sentiment to have. He's human enough? Don't say that. He's human enough. Human enough?
You think the Philly fanatics cock wouldn't be between his legs like ours is? Listen, all I'm saying is we got to put you in one of those chambers, one of those cryogenic chambers, and we got to send you out to Alpha Centauri and then, you know, send someone to pick you up and bring you back in 5,000 years or whatever. And I want you to come back and tell the human race what you learned sexually. Keep going on this.
you'll have it'll be you'll be kind of like the darwin of the new age you'll come back with a journal but instead of it on evolution it'll be on like what you could and could not oh yeah yeah dude flowers but they had they were like donut holes and i i just couldn't resist spending a night with philly fanatic is like being on another planet it's
You get on a planet in Alpha Centauri, it's all Philly fanatic creatures. It's the whole planet of them. You're in paradise. We should keep going. We should keep going. We're getting a little worked up. Okay. I like the aspect of not knowing who they are. So what's that little one that... Can you get a larger photo without showing us actually its name, Tucker? That one that kind of looks like a baby, bottom row, one to the right. Kind of looks like a baby. Yeah.
So this is like a baby. This is like a weird little baby thing. It's a boy. It's not. I wouldn't say that's a baby. It looks like the boss baby if it put a backwards cap on them. No, no. He's a little more matured than the boss baby. Yeah. How old do you think? Okay. What the fuck is that? That's like a four-year-old. That's like a four-year-old, I think. Okay. And his knees are going the wrong way. Look at that. His knees are going the wrong way. That's terrifying. Jeez.
So this is not a normal costume. This is like a blow-up doll like mascot. Yeah, he's got a fan in there. He's got a fan in there that's keeping it inflated. And he's got a cap that says Little Red on it. Yeah, Little Red. I assume that's what his name is. This seems like a horror movie character. Yeah. This is like one of those... This is once again, I'm walking down and I see Dark Hallway.
lit by an overhead LED light is little red over here. And he's going like, he's singing like, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. I think you got this all wrong, man. I think you are completely affront to the fun loving vibe of sports teams mascots. This is a fun loving little boy.
And he's got no ill intentions. Sure, but I mean, that's their outward sort of understanding of what they are. That's our outward understanding.
you know, that's their, you know, they put on a face for the show, you know? No, I think he just is a really nice kind boy. I think the worst thing this guy would do is like, you know, steal some double bubble at the convenience store. Oh, you're right actually. That's kind of looked like the little character on the double bubble. He'd steal some double bubble and that's about, and he'd feel bad about it afterwards and his mom would scold him.
But really, he's just there for the big game. No, he definitely has that sort of 1950s. He's got that 1950s boy that did a little bit of mischief. Just a little bit of mischief. Petty theft. He has to apologize for the general store owner. He's like, I'm sorry, Mr. Washington. He was created to represent the women's volleyball team at this school.
F. Which if you're going the creepy route. Shitty sport. Women's volleyball? Yeah.
And for that reason, you're throwing him at F? I thought he was like for football. I mean, you got a picture of him at a big football stadium. I thought this was hype. Well, the origins and the employment changes. Oh, okay. So they've moved around a little bit. They've been tossed from team to team. Oh, okay. So one of two mascots. Who's the other mascot of the University of Nebraska? So Loretta is an orphan?
Go to your happy place for a happy price.
Bro, who is that? That's his uncle. Herbie Husker? That's his weird uncle. That's the football guy. That's his weird uncle. Oh, that's awesome though. They get a fucking ripped dude named Herbie Husker? Oh, that's so hype. Vintage Herbie. That's so hype. Vintage Herbie looks like fucking Paul Bunyan if he lost everything.
Look at this perfectly chiseled face on him. He's an actual mascot. They made him for the football program and they gave a little red to the women. God, that's fucked. Yeah. Little red is like, if we put Herbie Husker and little red up against each other, Herbie Husker is killing little red.
Dude, Little Red's fucking big. Yeah, Little Red's big. They could have that giant, that strength you'd expect of an oversized baby, you know? Yeah, I don't know. I feel like if Herbie Husker was on this list, I'd be inclined to give him a higher score because that's awesome. But the baby, you know? It seems like they're a package deal. They're showing up in photos together. If they're a package deal, then this is at least B. Tucker, would you let us rate them as a package deal?
I would let that happen. Okay. You say B, Schlatt? Well, I think Herbie Husker is easily A, but I think Lil Red takes him down a couple notches. Yeah, I'd give him a B. I'd give him a B. B. There we go. All right, what's next? Schlatt's pick. Who's this orange guy all the way to the right? Who's this orange guy? That is UB. Don't give him a name.
Bro, you asked me who it is. Don't give the name. We have to try to figure it out. That was the whole point. We're trying to guess the name now? We're trying to give them a... We're not supposed to know about them. We're supposed to rate them based on... We're not supposed to know the name! We're supposed to rate them based on... I keep saying that.
That was the whole thesis at the beginning. But then you ask me, who is this guy? Okay, well, what's he for? What's he like? What's he like? Well, he's Canadian. Just bring up a large photo of him, Tucker. I'm going to kill you. There we go. That is scary.
he looks like the guy on tiktok that you'll that you'll scroll on to at like four in the morning in the old time hockey and then he goes oh hey there buddy i'll tell you what is christ this this motherfucker looks shell-shocked oh yeah i don't know if canada got involved in any world wars but whatever they it was that they were involved in he was a part of that conflict he he
He lives in a wooden shack in the middle of nowhere. And they just cart him down for the hockey games. He doesn't want anything to do with this. Oh, Jesus. His eyes are bulging out of his head. Bro, let him go home. Let him go home. He's not built for this. Looks like they put him in a vacuum tube and started pulling all the air out. He's just orange and furry. Looks like they knocked him out of a spaceship and pulled him back in at the last second. That's scary, dude. Yeah. He looks like he eats raw venison.
Like he goes, he hunts for his food and he eats it raw. That's scary. I feel like he moves really slow, but then when he wants to, he could run at enormous speeds. Yeah, he's violent when he needs to be. But he suppresses that because that's in his past. Yeah.
Yes, it is because, but sometimes he'll get into this mode right here where he's shell shocked and it'll all start coming, flowing back into his brain. Yes, like the green guy from Happy Tree Friends.
Exactly like the green guy. What's his fucking name? Flipper? The veteran? Are we talking about the veteran? Yeah, the veteran. Flippy. Flippy. Flippy. That's so fucked up of a name. Oh, that's so fucked up of a name. I'll tell you what. I'm going to take a tangent right now. Happy Tree Friends. That was probably my...
my first sort of like introduction to gore and like cartoon gore and just like very much so not PG things. And I remember seeing those when I was a kid and just watching them get like watching, you know, someone getting chopped up or something and being shocked and, and very, Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. So like, yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. I remember seeing that in 11 years ago. God, man.
and that's number 74. monetized on youtube absolutely not i mean they maybe they used to be i bet there was a period where happy tree friends was making millions dude these what does this have 10 million views that's crazy like 10 mil oh my god yeah they're still making them they are this is six months ago oh my two million views what oh they're still make six months ago wow
Does he die? Oh, yeah, he does. Yep. No, he's dead. He's dead. He dies. That's wild that they keep figuring out. And I think that the scariest thing about, oh, God, the scariest thing about Happy Tree Friends was that they always showed like the brain matter coming out of their head when they get like a headshot or something. The brain matters coming out. Of course. Of course. Either way, with this orange character, what would we give him a name? We can guess his name.
What's the team? What team is this? It's the Montreal Canadiens. Wow. That's got to be the least creative. That's their name? The Montreal Canadiens? The Canadiens. I guess it's very literal over there, I guess. The Montreal Canadiens. Well, they're competing in an American league. Oh, they spell it wrong now. Yeah, and they're competing amongst Americans, so it's kind of like... Oh.
So they themselves are playing right now. You know, we've got the Bruins. We've got the whatever the the I don't know any other fucking hockey game name teams, but they're showing up as if they're also a character because all the other hockey teams are named after characters and shit. And they're showing up and we're like, we're kooky little Canadians.
And the other Canadian team in the NHL is called the Maple Leafs. Jeez. So they're really not doing themselves any good. They've got a brand and they're sticking to it. Jeez. Okay. So what would this guy be named? He's just an orange guy from Canada. He's probably all polite, but he becomes violent sometimes. The Lord of Time. The Canadian Lord of Time. Excuse me? I don't know. That's what came into my head and I had to say it.
I had to say it. The Lord. I mean, look. No one is calling him. No one. Zoom in on his face. Zoom in on his face. No.
The Lord of Time. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Canadians game. And look who it is. It's the Lord of Time. In here for the national anthem. The Lord of Time. Wow. Okay. You know what? That would be funny if he was named that. I would give that to you. You know what? Let's call him the Lord of Time. Awesome. What's his actual name before we come up there? Yuppie. Yuppie. Oh, Yuppie.
I like you, B. The Lord of Time. All right. I would give him at least an A. Yeah, I like him. I like him. Yeah. All right. Next one. What's that? Can you pull up a photo of that yellow one with the blue shirt, Tucker?
Okay. I hate him already. Now that is awful. What is this? That's terrible. Is that a gecko or is that an alien? That's supposed to be an alien for sure. Really? You think so? Yeah, with the little tendrils. Okay. We should explain what we're looking at for the people. Oh, yeah. Audio listeners love you to death. This is a mascot dressed in blue.
Um, and with blue sneakers, blue shirt that says, uh, you, you see SC and he's got a yellow tail. He's holding up like a little finger. Like he's like a millennial. Like he's like, he's all yellow. Um, and he's got two little tentacles coming off his face and he has a face like the way that his mouth curls up and stuff looks almost exactly like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Yes. So he's kind of like, looks like if a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was like,
got jaundice and then was tortured in a very unique way where they had pieces of their skin pulled far so that they had kind of like Shrek ears but longer coming off of their head.
I don't even want to talk about this guy for very long. They look like a villain. This is just kind of fucked up. They look like a villain for sure. This is not a mascot. This is whatever the opposite. Okay, that's worse. Ew, it gets worse. It looks like Bumblebee now from the Transformers. What is he even trying to be? He's trying to be... Yeah, that's such a brutal way to ask that question. What is he even trying to be? Can you imagine him saying that to someone?
There's a vintage look. Oh, the vintage one is awful. Terrible. What the fuck? So this is University of California Santa Cruz's thing? Yeah. Is that the name of the school? Man. Yeah, UCSC. Wow, you guys really lost the plot. You're going to have to give a potential name for this guy, Schlatt. You're going to have to give a potential name. I did mine. I did the Lord of Time earlier.
This is like some stupid shit. They probably call him Balthor or some like stupid alien bullshit. No one cares about him, though. Oh, that's just Balthor. He's just walking through the halls. You shove him into the fucking lockers. He's like...
Yeah, no, he definitely makes that noise. Oh, yeah, he's a bit timid, too. He's got some confidence issues. Very timid. Because everyone fucking hates him. Yeah, which is why I say... Completely warranted hatred for him. Which is why saying something like, what is he even trying to be would just... It would ruin him. It would ruin his week. Well, he doesn't know. I don't think he knows what he's trying to be. And I think that's his biggest flaw. And I'd put him at F. Yeah, no, I'd give him an F, too.
What's his name? Sammy. Oh, his real name is Sammy the Slug. He's a slug. Oh,
Jesus Christ. The only trail I want to see coming out of him is his fucking brain matter out of a Happy Tree Friends episode. Yeah, it's like, all right, board of student relations here at UC Santa Cruz. We got to find a mascot that's really going to hype people up. What's an animal that you think that UC Santa Cruz kids would really, you know, relate to? I'm a slug. I like where you're going with that. They just run it. Jesus.
Yeah, that sucks. F. Yeah, F for sure. How about, what do we got over there all the way to the right on first row? Oh, I love that. Yeah. He looks like the unknown. Oh, never mind.
He is, so audio listeners, the photo that we're looking at right now is essentially a gorilla with very, very human eyes that have a soul. It's like straight out of the SpongeBob episode. It's just a gorilla costume from Party City that they threw the team's logo on. Yeah, and he's wearing an orange jersey and he's got a child hostage in this photo. He's kidnapped a child.
What's the team that this is? This is the Phoenix Suns. This is the basketball team? Yes. This is their mascot? It's their mascot. This is the Sun? No. What's the motivation to have a team called the Phoenix Suns and then be like, yeah, our mascot's going to be this gorilla? The motivation was that somebody...
at one time ran on there with a gorilla suit on and it was so well received that they made it a mascot.
oh that's a fun little piece of lore so it is just like some from party city yeah it's totally unrelated yeah yeah no that's that's scary though i mean like having the full full eyes like i feel like there's a universe in which that could be a real gorilla like just with how lifelike the and real those eyes are because those are real eyes this appears to be a vintage uh version
Yeah, this is like straight up Planet of the Apes kind of look of a gorilla. I don't know if I like it. I feel like...
Something about someone wearing that costume just feels like it would be associated with really heavy, wet breathing. So I think that I would probably put that down an E if I had to choose. That's certainly a lower tier character. Yeah, for sure. I don't want my son going near him taking a photo. There's probably a pedophile under that mask. And not...
The fanatic? Not the Philly fanatic? No, the Philly fanatic is not a pedophile. You're the one with the bad view of this guy. He's just a guy who likes to have some fun. Oh, okay. Let's talk about Mr. Matt. Let's just cross this bridge now. Let's get this over with Mr. Matt. I mean, Mr. Matt is... Let's be real for a second. Let's be real for a second. If...
Any of the NHL teams had a mascot that was just completely human with the head of a hockey puck or a football team with the head of a football. We've already got a whole cartoon about that. Hey, Arnold. People, yeah, I mean, people would be pissed off at that, but somehow Mr. Met gets a pass. He does. Probably because Mrs. Met is hot as fuck.
Yeah. She's hot as fuck. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. I'm not afraid. It's hard to deny that. Yeah. I think the whole issue with, with the mouth that I've got going on is like, it seems like they're saying like the way their mouth is shaped, the way it's curled, it just seems like they're saying something they shouldn't, you know, it's like a, they're speaking in, they're speaking in lost ancient tongues. They're, they're, they're,
Doing some sort of, I don't know, like, yeah, no, they're saying something fucked up. I think so. I think so. Yeah. Oh, Tucker. Sorry. Put that away. Sorry. Yeah, I don't trust Mr. Matt.
in reality. I mean, how far can you, like, realistically, I mean, the game of baseball is a game in which you are hitting a baseball over and over. The whole point of the game is that. So how are we supposed to trust
that one of these baseballs has suddenly come to life and they're on our side? Exactly. Our whole goal as humans in the game of baseball is to smack the fuck out of that thing. We're trying to beat the shit out of that ball and now he's now on the side of his breakfast. Now he walks among us? Seems a little suspicious to me. Seems a little suspicious. He's got some sort of...
ulterior motive going on there. I'm going to, I would give him, I've got some, I've got some ulterior motives with this woman. Yeah. Just put it that way. No, she can stay. She can stay. He's got, he's got devious plans and you know, that puts him in. You invite Mr. Met to a party. So that Mrs. Met shows up. So, you know, do we, yes, that is, that's true. Yeah. Oh no, she's feeling under the weather. They, Oh shoot. Well, actually, you know, uh,
I'll have to hit you up on what the actual address is of the party. We're actually trying to figure out the venue right now. I'll let you know. I'll let you know. Yeah, we'll hit you back up, dude. We'll definitely put Mr. Met an F and then Mrs. Met an S. An S. Yeah. Mr. Met was what? F. An F. F.
Mrs. Matt. Just such an uncreative mascot, Mr. Matt. Such a piece of shit. Fucking baseball. And I feel like Mrs. Matt just probably has a bunch of good ideas. You know, she's out there slugging it for the people. She is just great. She lights up any room. That's a great way to put that. You want to choose another one, Schlack? Because I did two in a row.
What's this first image? I've been kind of looking at it trying to decipher what that is. It looks like Elmo from the thumbnail. Oh. That's entirely different. That's the Chicago Bull. Yeah, no, I think I've seen this guy before. This guy, from what I've seen online, is awesome. He is awesome. This guy is the... Out of all the mascots, this guy can hang... He might be the mascot. He is...
a homie and he also is the kind of guy that you could ask if you've seen his for some reason I've seen a lot of TikToks of this guy just doing shit and I feel like you could give this guy a bunch of beers oh yeah you know you tell him shotgun one you know you buy him a 32 pack he's going through the whole thing that night and he is gonna be like not even at 100% he's gonna be electric yeah
Yeah, no, he's the kind of guy that without fail every time if he were to jump off a surface, he's going to be able to split a tail. Look at that. That's just fucking awesome. You think Mr. Met could pull some shit like that? Not with the head that he's got. He is flying through the air, putting the ball through his legs and dunking that shit. Yep. What's his name? Billy the Bull or some shit like that? Benny the Bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I like him. He's got a cool haircut, too. I mean, look at him. Okay, that's not a flattering photo, really. I think that's a better one. That's electric. Yeah, that's...
That one right there. Oh, yeah. I mean, he can play. He can play the game. Like, they could sub him in if they needed to, but they won't because they know that it would be unfair. Mr. Met couldn't do shit, dude. Mr. Met couldn't do shit. Yeah. Mr. Met is like, is if, like, the Chicago...
folks had had like a basketball as a thing and it's like no okay we don't want a basketball yeah they call him mr ball yeah the fuck is wrong yeah no i like this guy a lot yeah i would put him up in the s zone i'd put him up in the s zone hold on hold on whoa whoa okay okay what's going on
You don't want him to share the space of Mrs. Matt, is that what this is? I just, you put those two together in the same category and I feel like I've got no chance. Yeah, it is a dangerous combination. A guy who can always show up and hang at the parties with the woman that you always wanted to show up at the parties. You know, if we did put the bull up there, Benny, if we put Benny up there, you might end up getting cucked by Benny the bull. Yeah.
Fate worse than death. Fate worse than death. I would not want that, I don't think. A new book by Jay Schlatt. How I was cucked by Benny the Bull. I think we got to keep the S rating a little empty.
Okay. If Mrs. Matt is up there. That's just how I feel. Oh, yeah. He can be nearby, but right next to Mrs. Matt. And yeah, that's risky for me. Oh, I definitely want to see the next one, Tucker. That next guy in the first row. I want to see who that is. Who's this individual?
Oh, what the fuck? Ebenezer screws got jaundice and also was turned into a peanut. What is this? This is horrifying. Okay. I love you to death in a sort of a
Like, imagine... Oh, okay. Oh, it's a human. Oh, it's a human. There was this other photo that it was like he had recesses in his face that was really scary. But this is an 1800s character. He kind of looks like, you know, those old 1950s animations for Christmas movies. Like, he kind of looks like one of those characters. He looks like...
He looks like Jack Frost or the Mr. Snow. Yes, he does. I'm Mr. Snow. Yes. Yes, he does. He looks like Mr. 100 Below. Yeah. That's what he looks like. Less blue, but he's got white hair, kind of like a chop style white hair. Yeah. He rides a motorcycle. He rides a motorcycle. That's pretty cool. Yeah, he's dressed in 1800s clothing. Jeez. Okay, he's kind of sick, though. That's fucking awesome. I love that.
Wow. Yeah, no. Okay. Now that one seems like he's going through withdrawal. He always starts a game off with the motorcycle. Oh, okay. So he rides in on a motorcycle. The motorcycle's part of the experience. Okay. So that's part of his thing. He can ride a motorcycle. That's pretty cool.
This picture's just so shocking. Yeah, that initial photo, that was, I mean, zoom in on that, Tucker. That is really scary. So what happened to him at this? Was he getting some physiology work going on? He was cupping before this. Yeah, no, getting cupping all over his face. It's all about the face muscles, really. It is.
Yeah, no, this guy's pretty sick because of his motorcycle stuff and also the fact that it seems like he could bust out in a cool rhyme about how he's Mr. 100 below. But he also seems like...
he he's got some pipe i mean just holy it also seems like he's got some really old ideas though that could be a little bit oh easily easily some old backwards ideas about i'll tell you one thing i definitely don't want to put him up near i don't want him anywhere near mrs matt mrs no mrs matt i don't want him up there but i do think that his
i think that his motorcycle thing is pretty sick i feel like that he's almost he's a b-tier that's a cool gimmick i was gonna put him around b-tier too yeah all right there we go all right shall i take it away let's just go with the next in line this looks like a fucking wolverine or some kind of werewolf what is this it's from the memphis grizzlies oh so it's a grizzly let's see what it is
Oh, that's it. Is that a bear? Dude, that's a fucking bear hog. That's a bear hog. I've never seen a bear that looks like that. Put him in a jersey, give it a snout, give it some bear skin. Can I tell you the name of the last guy? Oh, yeah. What was the name of the last guy? Demon Deacon. What? Yeah, that's the Demon Deacon. Fuck, man. I love the word demon. I'm glad that you told me that.
This other guy here, though, this is straight up out of South Park. This is ManBearPig is what this is.
This is... Yeah. That's not a grizzly. I don't know why they thought it would look like a grizzly, but it is very clearly more akin... This is like a fur... This is Warthog. It's a fursuit. It's a fursuit. It is a fursuit. It's like if a furry was like, I want to look... I want to look... Oh, my God. Yeah. No. In this one, it's... Whoa. He is changing...
He's changing a lot. I think he just started becoming more and more like a superhero. He still looks like a pig, though. Dude did a cycle somewhere in between these photos. He's on some roids, dude. Yeah. I imagine that they probably try to make him look like a bear, but he just does 100% to me look like a furry bear.
yeah it's like if a furry was like i want to look menacing but also still kind of fuckable and i want to be kind of cute i also want you know people to see my cute side at the same time while we're while we're fucking how do you fucking a fursuit how do you fucking a fursuit can we look i don't know if they do dude i don't know you don't think they do excuse you
I feel like they probably just keep the helmets on. No, I guarantee you they fuck with the costumes on. Really? Have you engaged yourself? No, I feel like it wouldn't make any sense to not have the fursuits on. Well, okay, let's see. What does it say online there? Some fursuits have openings. I knew it, dude. They'd have a flap. What a vague explanation.
Some fursuits have openings. Not going to tell you where, but they got them. My wife is a furry and she has sex better than anyone else I've ever been with. You're kind of obligated to say that. With Benny the bull. Yeah, I wonder if like...
For people who are into like the more like, because for some people, I feel like the furry stuff is like a hobby, but for some people it's a fetish thing. And I feel like for those who are in the fetish category of it. Okay. Who is that not a fetish for?
Dude, I just don't want to make assumptions here based on it. I'll gladly make an assumption. If you're buying a suit for that much money and you're going to conventions and it's got a flap on the back that opens your bussy up to the world, I think it's probably a fetish. But not all of them have them. Not all of them have them. Ted, if I was getting a custom fursuit, it would totally have a flap for my bussy.
Yeah. You gotta poop. You gotta poop. That would suck if your shit got caught up in the fur. Yeah, if it slid down the legs and it was just like... Nothing worse than being a furry and having diarrhea in a fursuit. That's all I'll say. That's rough. It's probably happened to one or two people. You ever realize that girls that wear rompers gotta take the whole thing off to go to the bathroom? Yeah, that's one of the known...
of being a woman. That blew my mind. Just add a flap. Add a flap. It's all better. It's all better. Slaps make everything better. Winnie the Pooh style. Yeah, Winnie the Pooh or like a little pair of pajamas. Just across the crotch. You know? All right, let's rank this guy.
That's bad. That's D. That's D. Yeah. That's D. What's his name? Grizz. The Grizzly. That's E. That's E. Oh, fuck off. Yeah. Grizz. You lose another point for that. Grizz. Okay. What's this next one? It seems like it's like the cousin. It looks like this might be the cousin of...
Of our last character here. What, the dog right here? Oh, I hate that. I hate that even more. This is awful. This is, okay, AudioListers, love you to death. This is like you gave one of those dogs that you see, little tiny dogs. Yeah, like if you gave a Pomeranian steroids. Oh, oh my God.
What the fuck is that? That's horrifying. Is this a dog or it's a... I think it's a koala. No, he's got bear on his fucking headband. It's a bear. It's another fucked up bear. This is the official picture too. This is the official picture? This is an official photo. Well, look at its nose, Schlatt. It's got one of those circular noses. That's a bear. That's what a bear has. Well, that's what a koala bear has. No, that's a bear.
Excuse you. That's not a koala. I'm telling you, I'm getting pretty close to being almost 100% certain that this is a koala. That ain't a koala, buddy. That ain't a koala. Tucker, is it a koala?
I don't think it's a koala. It's the Utah jazz bear. What? Jazz bear. Jazz bears as a bear. That's the one bear I feel like would be into jazz. He's got a point. It's a musical little bear. It is a musical little bear. And he's just chewing on it. He's basically eating weed his whole life. Do you think he's got a pussy flap? Certainly. Maybe a...
Maybe a cock flap. That's a scary photo. That's his official photo, Doctor? Terrible photo. Yeah, that's on the Salt Lake Tribune. That's a crooked smile he's got there. He does not have good intentions.
And he's copying the demon. He's copying Demon Deacon. Demon Deacon. With the motorcycle. Oh, don't give it to him. Don't let him near babies. Don't let him near babies. This is even worse than the Grizz.
And, Grizz, it is. This photo right here, Tucker, he's pointing that baby almost as if to say to the camera, I'm going to consume this thing later. I'm going to eat this baby. Yes, he is. Look who's got dinner.
Oh, geez. I don't like him. That's an F, dude. That's an F. But he looks... But that is... Look at the picture of a koala bear first. Okay. Koalas aren't bears, dude. I just want... They're not bears. I just want Schlatt to believe me, though. Do you see that nose? I see it, but that's also a characteristic of regular bears. They have noses like... They have circular nose. That looks more like a regular bear's nose. You're wrong. And you know you are.
I don't, I just don't think I am. That looks exactly like a regular bear nose. Okay, now go to the koala.
Koala's long and tall and gross. No, this is obviously a regular bear. And he's got a pussy flap. I don't know, Tucker. You're the animal nerd. Why don't you give us a determination here to settle the score? I think it's koala. It's got this nice rounded chunk. That's bullshit. No, it's bullshit and you know it is. It's bullshit and you know it is. But look at the ears. Look at the ears also. Take a look at the ears. Yeah. Oh, well, yeah.
Yeah. Look at that fuzz, that crazed Albert Einstein. It's not a koala. It would be fucking gray. These are triangular. It would be fucking gray. Look up brown koalas. Koalas aren't brown. And their snout doesn't get lighter. Do they have brown koala bears? Let's see if this is a thing. Now that's looking good. These are just fucking images with a sepia filter. Koalas are gray.
I'm not putting up with this shit. All right, we can move on. We can move on to the next one. We got to move on quick. We got to move on quick, otherwise. F. Yeah, F though. Yeah, F for sure. Jazz Bear. What's this next one we got here, Tucker? Who is this? Oh. Oh, no. I'm not a fan. Listen, side thought, now that I've seen this, what's with mascots having really wide child birthing hips?
Yeah, no, that's a mothering mascot right there. Do the mascots have some kind of hardware in the hip region that makes them all wide like that, like the Philly Fanatic and Yubo or whatever the Canadian one name is? Yubi. That guy. This is him? That's him. I don't like that. This is Kansas City. This is Taylor's boyfriend's hubby? Sure seems like it.
So this is a rat. This is like a rat. He looks like if the Cookie Crisp mascot lost his job. Oh, he does kind of look like the Cookie Crisp mascot. He went from Kellogg's to Kansas City. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, it is. It's a wolf. So maybe he's a wolf. It's a wolf. Oh, he's a wolf. By definition. Wow, that's crazy. Why wouldn't it be a chief? What?
Did they used to have a chief maybe? I bet they did based on the logo. They definitely used to have a chief. Based on the arrowhead logo around the K and C on the Kansas City, they definitely used to have a chief and it was definitely not good. He is the official mascot. He was introduced in 89 as a successor to War Paint.
Okay, what does war paint look like? Let's see how terrible this was. War paint seems to be some kind of horse riding ceremony. Whoa. Wait, unless that's war paint. Yeah, if that's that looks like that might be war paint. But if you look at a retired mascot war paint, I think the horse is war paint. The horse is sick. That was the mascot. The horse is a mascot. Seems cool. The horse is cool.
I was almost expecting it was going to be like a Redskins kind of thing.
No, I think the horse, this horse was warping. Like the formerly known Washington Redskins? Mm-hmm. I don't think it's called the Redskins anymore. I think it's called something else. No, it's called Commanders. The Commanders. That's better. That's better than what they had before. Commanders is a sick name. Commanders is sick. There was a surprising amount of Native American-based mascots where it was like,
That's so fucked up that there was a period where they were like, this is just like a character. We can like, let's make this a character. So originally Warpaint was the horse with a full decked out. Oh yeah. Yeah. I can see why that would be a problem. Yeah. No, the wolf. I think the wolf is a good step in the right direction.
If only he didn't look lame. Yeah, if only he didn't look like almost like, if he didn't look like a mule. He didn't look like a mule between a wolf and a rat. It's just lame. And Cookie Crisp sucks too. Yeah, but you wish Cookie Crisp was good. You do wish Cookie Crisp was good. You do wish. Similarly to this mascot, you wish it was good. This is maybe D. Yeah, D. D. Yeah.
we got another green blob up next he looks strikingly similar to the philly fanatic who's oh pirates oh it's a little parrot little parrot that's cool okay that's cool i need to see more photos of him though because i i he looks like he's maybe got some issues going on he's definitely flightless
Yeah. Oh, he's got a son. He's kind of there's a whole family thing. Okay. It's it's a good idea for the mascot of the Pittsburgh Pirates to be a parrot. Mm
This just this it just sucks. It just sucks. The gaping ma is really the issue I'm running into here. Like, like, it looks like he could you could just start hearing the sound of a vacuum cleaner and then he just starts sucking up little kids and just blood gets spit out the back. Yeah.
And again, with the wide hips for no reason, birds don't look like that. Birds don't look like that. I mean, maybe an angry bird. Yeah. Imagine how cool it would be. Imagine how cool it would be. It's fucked up how they took the original Angry Birds off the App Store, too. That's fucked up. That's fucked up. They want to do microtransactions. But no, it would be really cool if like...
they actually like got some mythical creatures for these mascots. They should look into getting portals or something for mythical creatures. I like the idea of having the parrot as a mascot, but it's just executed so poorly. Assuming that you've seen Avatar The Last Airbender, there's this one scene with this library where, you know,
There's this giant owl and it's like the size of like a bus. I think that they need the pirates. They need to have a parrot, like the size of a bus that comes in with its big talents and stuff. And like a cool thing is like they put it like a pool in the field or something like that. And then they have like the, the, the parrot choose someone random grabs them with its talents and carries them by the shoulders up above and drops them in the pool or something.
Or like, dude, like even if you don't want to put money in to like change the design of the guy at the beginning of each game, have them fucking parachute off the top of the stadium onto the field or something. Give them something, some kind of some kind of cool shit for him. I think that some mascots definitely do. They definitely have mascots that do that.
i just maybe not not this one though he doesn't have he's too girthy for it he doesn't have the movement for it very mid the i the the idea of a parrot gets me hype but this one doesn't so maybe just see yeah yeah all right what do we have next who's this next care okay so let me guess is this the minnesota vikings certainly this is certainly the minnesota vikings and he's trying okay it's just a guy dressed like a viking uh-huh and
and he's got a motorcycle he's got a motorcycle with three wheels like a this seems like a midwestern sport thing where they come out on a motorcycle every time that motorcycle either there's uh another motorcycle in the foreground or he's got some weird front wheel setup yeah some fucking 4d okay no it's just a regular motorcycle yeah no i like him i like him look at that
Yeah, that's a cool mascot. I mean, you're straight to the point, you know? You're straight to the point. He shows up. Basically just a guy.
Yeah, no, it's funny too because this guy's got tattoos that look like he's been waiting for that. Like when he got this role for being the Minnesota Viking mascot, like this was his dream. He seems like the kind of guy that that LARPs this shit too. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Those tattoos. He's got like these. He's got like those Eldridge Twilight Forest Vines on his arm or something. You can tell he loves this role. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
But he's looked into how to scientifically make Mjolnir a thing. But again, the motorcycle seems like overused at this point. Seems like a crutch almost. Have him ride in on a fucking horse. That would make more sense for a Viking maybe. Or like some beast. Have him ride in on a beast. Or get a whole group of 20 guys...
and then put this main guy in a fucking straight up long boat, like a Viking long boat, have them all run in with him on top of it. He's got the big drums. That would be hype. If I saw that, I would be, I'd be like, I got to buy more Minnesota Viking merch. Yeah, no, I would, I would give him, I don't know. I see. We can give him. No, I mean, I feel like we like him more than the bird. You're right. You're right. I'll give him a B.
He's right in the same category. Oh, I just remembered. Holy fuck. The Cincinnati Reds also have a fucking mascot. That's just a fucking baseball head. No. His name better not be Mr. Red. Tucker, don't tell me it's Mr. Red.
I believe it's Mr. and Mrs. Red. Fuck me. Don't worry about him. Who's the guy with murder in his eyes? There's one with a mustache that looks like he's ready to kill. Hold on. Hold on. One of them is Mr. Red. That's crazy red. This is Rosie Red. Rosie Red. That's a little more creative. Wait. Okay. We've got Gapper, Mr. Red Legs, Mr. Red, and Rosie Red.
A little more creative than Mr. and Mrs. Met. Okay, here we go. What the fuck is that guy? Ew. Who the fuck is that little creature? Audio listeners love you to death. We got another wise-hibbed creature. It's just a furry red thing. You can't even see where his mouth is. It's like... No. This is Gapper. This is Gapper.
I gotta say, though, the one with the mustache on the left, I don't like how dilated his pupils are. It looks like he's on drugs. He looks like a killer. It looks like he's... He's on some fucking PCP. He's full bloodlust in every shot and every photo I see. And that's Mr. Redlegs. Mr. Redlegs is fucking...
It's probably fucking cooking, dude. I mean, they probably call him that because that's what his legs looked like when he was marching through the bodies of innocence. Like, that's terrifying. I just think whoever came up with these mascots for the Cincinnati Reds needs to be fucking shot. Are you kidding me? The best you could do is three characters with baseballs for heads and a red blob. Oh, it's a baseball team called the Reds.
Do you ever think that the three baseball characters bully the fucky one? Gapper? No. Do you ever think that they bully him? No, no. Gapper tries to get included and they're like, shut up. Get the fuck out of here, you monster. Get the fuck out of here, Gapper. You fucking disgust me. Fuck you, Gapper. You'll never be a true Red. Do you think Rosie Red's got anything on Mrs. Met? No, she ain't got shit on Mrs. Met.
They're probably all related. They seem like the lesser baseball family. It's like a family of baseballs. Like, that's the guy with the mustache is the dad. And then those two are like the son and daughter. Like, this isn't even, they're not even fucking. If the guy with the mustache is the dad, then this whole family's got a whole lot of trauma they're going to need to unpack. Oh, yeah. Easily. Easily. Yeah.
Gapper's the loving, loyal family dog or something. He's just like the beast. Gapper is like the clump of cells that's been growing in their kitchen and then just got a personality. He's a cancerous mass. Yeah, Mr. Redlegs pulled him off his nutsack once and it just like growed into whatever the fuck that is.
D, I don't like this. Yeah, Gapper came out of a... He was born from a wisdom tooth removal. All right, who do we have next here? Okay. Pass. Pass. Don't even care about this. You don't even like this guy. The fuck is that? Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa. We'll get to that. Tucker just flashed us a nice image. Yeah, whatever the fuck that is. The St. Louis Cardinals fucking shitty-ass city, shitty-ass mascot, shitty-ass team. Okay. Okay, so we've got a mascot here, audio listeners, and love you to death that kind of looks like how the Home Depot theme sounds. Yeah. You know, just the percussion sounds of woodworking and...
hitting nails on yeah yeah this guy so this is for the pittsburgh steelers oh this is he's a dealer he's a grizzly like a like a miner or mill worker and he just carries a steel i'd be with him everywhere you did minor and mill worker but not what he is which is a construction worker he's a construction worker yeah he's very he
He's carrying a steel beam. What's a stealer though? Is that what they call construction workers? Or is that what they call people work at their steel mill? You know? I think he makes buildings. So he's a construction worker. Whatever it's called, I believe he constructs homes and buildings. Yeah, probably. Yeah, this guy seems like...
He's a titan of industry, this guy. I mean, realistically. Definitely, but not a magnate. This vintage version of him, whenever, like, especially with Archie and stuff, the old versions of these characters, they look like such betas in comparison to what he's updated to now. Oh, yeah.
I love that. I love that. The version of him now is just like, there's a... He got on some gear and now he's fucking ripped. And yeah, his balls are tiny and shriveled, but... And he's got anger issues, but he looks awesome, dude. He looks great. He's wearing a flannel. And look at that chin. This is a salt of the earth. Yeah. Yeah.
This guy started car hard as a side hustle. He's good. His hobbies are cheering on the Steelers and working out. His favorite exercise is curls and he's 190 pounds. He's 190 pounds? No shot, dude. This guy's fucking 1% body fat. Dude, this guy's got to be 250 minimum. Look at this picture of him here.
Geez, he doesn't have teeth in that one, too. His name is Steely McBeam? Yeah. Oh, dude. Okay. All right. I like him. I like him. And you can book him. Oh, let's book him. Steely McBeam appearance request form. Fuck yeah. We can get this guy on the podcast, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, let's get him on. Let's get him on. Tucker, organization event named Chuckle Sandwich.
Hey, Pittsburgh Steelers social media intern. This is a formal request. Get us Steely McBeam on the podcast, please. I like it how it's like he's in Pittsburgh. We're going to fly Steely McBeam out to LA. All so far from home.
And we're going to have him on the chuckle sandwich and he's not going to say a word. No, he's a mule. Oh, he'd have a lot to say. Oh, man. We should just have him on for chuckle week and it's like we don't tell any of our guests about it and all of a sudden Steely McBean comes in and just starts fucking with him. They just take their hat or something. They just come in. Or just one episode we come in and they just start smacking him in the head. It's like, what the fuck? I like Steely. I like Steely, but I don't know. Again, I'd feel...
I just couldn't give him S. I couldn't put him in S tier. Maybe A.
I'd give him an A. Yeah. The whole name's Steely McBean. I'm hype about that. All right. Now, I'm interested in this next one. Yeah. Me too. Who the fuck is this? This is the ghost of Christmas present or something? It looks like a nun. It looks like a nun. It's got to be a nun. But how did this pass by? How did they get a nun as a mascot? I don't know. What school is this?
This is Providence. Providence, Rhode Island? I think so. Yeah. And they just have a nun. It is a nun, Tucker? Can you confirm this? The name is Friar Don. What is going on in this photo? Are you listening to the movie? Okay, well, just so you guys know, it looks basically like a nun with a big head. Nun with a big head and clown shoes. I don't even know. This is a...
This is weird. This is a weird choice for a mascot in general. I don't even know what to say about it. Very strange. What does she do? Does she pray? Does she lead everyone in prayer before the big game? That's a pretty damn close thing to cheering on a team. There's a lot of sports fans out there that'll pray for a team. Oh, is it a woman or a man? Oh, it's a guy. Friar Dom. Yeah, it must be a guy. So he has like a hood. What's the team name? Is it the Friars?
Yeah, it's a friar's. What is a friar? Do we know that? It's like a priest. It's like a holy person. Oh, okay. This is their logo here. Oh, wow. Yeah, that looks way more badass than what it ended up being. That is cool. I think it's pretty sick, dude.
Yeah. It's unique. It's unique. And, you know, he should lead everyone in a prayer. I really hope he does. Can I be honest, though? This character here is probably like one step away from looking like a Dementor. Yeah. You know? What do you want to rank it? C. C. C. All right. What do we have next? The next one's a group mascot. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, wait. That's interesting.
Do we know these guys? Is this Dilbert? This is not Dilbert. Dilbert's an office worker who has an upturned tie. It looks damn close to Dilbert, though. I'll be honest. It looks damn close to Dilbert. The characters are blocky in nature. They're kind of tall. This is scary, though. These look like the guys that do a little running race. Are they about to race here? Yeah, they do. They race these motherfuckers, and they've got the stats here. You can look at it.
They keep them updated and you get some background here. Oh, okay. So we've got names here. We've got Chorizo. We've got Hot Dog. Oh, so they're racing sausages. They're like sausage mascots. Okay. And they got a German guy. They got a Polish guy, an Italian, a regular hot dog, and then a Spanish one. It's like dog racing. Yeah. They're race dogs. Yeah. Yeah. They make them race. That seems a little fucked up. Yeah.
they're not like independent creatures no they i'd say these guys are moving they're trying to move that's for sure not chorizo dude chorizo chorizo is way behind not even trying trees it'd be funny if one of them took it really seriously one every time they gotta put they gotta put look dude chorizo is the worst chorizo is the worst dude we could book these guys too
We can? Oh, these are the... Wait, hold on. These are the Brewers mascots? Yeah. Why? Why?
i don't know why the milwaukee brewers a town known for its history why did we get you can pick which specifically we're interested in just chorizo we're gonna we're gonna hire chorizo we're gonna fly them out here we're gonna be like all right those men and it's gonna be it's gonna be a whole boot camp and we're gonna be training this thing to run faster dude you could just race him you could call the video i beat the milwaukee brewers
Yeah, I think that that'll really hit just Milwaukee. This seems completely, this doesn't make any sense. This doesn't make any sense to have racing sausages as the Milwaukee Brewers. I'm just going to say it. This is stupid. This is stupid. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give him an F.
That's rough. Give him an E, maybe. Put him next to the furries with bussy flaps. All right. What do we have next? This one I got a little thing I want to talk about.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Now this is the Washington Nationals Presidents. It's similar vibe to, you know, it's another team-based one. Yeah. Oh my God. Look what they've done to our boys. This is the baseball team from Washington, D.C. And are either you guys familiar with Little Nightmares? No. Yeah. Because these guys... Yeah, dude, they look just like the Little Nightmares. Look at this.
Oh, that's awful. This is like exactly the vibe of Little Nightmares. They're huge. Holy shit, they're huge. Yeah, no, there's a whole level in Little Nightmares where you have to, where there's like these, yeah, like there's this whole level in Little Nightmares where like there's these little creatures that move around. They're awful. They're awful creatures. Every adult in Little Nightmares is kind of like this vibe. Yeah, big head. Like these. Yeah.
and then like look at this yeah but this is gray i know there's something more specific that you're thinking of that they look more like am i yeah no like there's ones that have even bigger heads i feel like but yeah no this is scary can you imagine if our founding fathers they got theodore roosevelt they got abraham lincoln george washington then some other some other guy with white hair who is that it's like uh jefferson that sounds right yeah thomas jefferson
Mount Rushmore essentially is what it is. It's the character. They weren't on Mount Rushmore. These, I know that Washington theater, Roosevelt and Lincoln were at the very least. Dude, these guys are the same color as Mount Rushmore. Roosevelt was on Mount Rushmore. Yeah, he was. Yeah. There they are.
Secret tunnel? Whoa. What's that? The Sphinx part two? There's a secret tunnel in Mount Rushmore? According to the Epoch Times. Okay, we'll look into that. We'll look into that. We'll look into that. That'll be... Tucker, make a note of that. We'll have another section for that. That's cool, though. I gotta say, I like that. I like that a lot. I'd put a middle of the road. You're not making them race. I would say...
shit i mean washington national what else would it be what else would it be of course it's going to be all the presidents and they look sick as fuck and they're scary yeah could be an eagle like a bald eagle i bet it would have been as another option that would be cool too but they butcher we've seen sports teams butcher the bird yeah no i wouldn't want to see our national bird treated like the way that some of these mascots have treated their bird maybe a or b you know
All right. B. You picked it. B? B. This looks fucking awesome. That's fucking awesome. No, he's sick. No, no, he's sick. I like him. That's sick. What's his name? I like him. I think this is just the Toronto Raptor. The Raptor.
the raptor that's all you need that's all you need that's fucking awesome yeah no i like him he but he eats rap snacks he's doing a dunk too oh yeah no he looks good this is a good looking one he looks real good and he's not he's not you know he's let me just put it this way he's he's sober okay he's the designated driver this is a responsible guy not like the chicago bull you know
Yeah. He knows his limits, but he's a fun guy. But, you know, he knows when to tone it back. Yeah, he knows about how many drinks, how they associate with blood alcohol content. He knows, like, his shot to kidney ratio. Yeah, I'd give him an A, unless you want to give him to...
Mrs. Matt. No, I think Mrs. Matt stays on S alone. Yeah? Okay. Who do we have next? I would feel comfortable with him being on S. Now things have taken a turn for the worse. F, F. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? First of all. I'll give you his name. I'll give you that creature's name. I can't see him anymore, but I'll give you his name right now. I think that guy right there, his name, his title, he is the guardian of shame. Fair enough.
I think that he had some sort of mythological journey and his mouth was replaced with a basketball and now he can't speak lies anymore. I've always been somewhat curious of the Miami Heat, specifically for their logo that looks like a peanut. Am I the only one that's looked at the Miami Heat's logo and been like, that's a peanut basketball. Why is it a peanut?
I'm interested to see. It's a peanut. That's a peanut. Every time I look at it, I think to myself, that is a peanut basketball. I guess where I see where you're coming from. Looks totally like a peanut. And there they are selling peanuts.
I mean, come on, guys. Let's be real. Well, Shlad, how do you eat your peanuts? I crack them and then I pull them apart. Yeah, the peanut doesn't. I don't understand why you would salt the fucking peanut. Are people putting peanuts in their mouth and splitting them open like sunflower seeds? Well, hold on. I'm about to tell you something that you're going to be interested in.
What? You can just eat a peanut. Okay. I'm not going to fucking do that, you psychopath. You can just eat a peanut. I'm never going to eat a peanut. I've done it before. It's good. Oh, it's good? Yeah. Why did you do that? Great. Go ahead next time you're at a Miami Heat game. I will. You can just eat a peanut. And eat them fucking whole, you barbarian. Tucker, look it up. You can eat a peanut. Why I eat peanuts with the shell on.
Fuck that. This is a confession blog. This is less of an informational thing. That's more like a tell-all. They taste good. I eat the peanut shells. It's so much easier. It's way less messy. Those things are sharp.
Sunflower seeds are controversial. But the peanut ones, you can just pop them in your mouth and eat it. Peanut is just as controversial, dude. I don't know why you're trying to normalize this. Do not eat that. That's gross. We're going to have people in our comments that are going to be like, I eat the peanut shells. No. Maybe one or two. What is this guy? I think he's going to eat them.
Okay, Ted. So you and Red Pill Vegan can go ahead and munch on some peanuts together. I didn't open up and say, hey, me and Red Pill Vegan are coming out and saying that we eat peanuts. I wasn't associating myself with this character that is just showing up on this podcast named Red Pill Vegan. I do it independently. Well, there's only two people I know on this planet that do that. And a couple of Redditors too. And a couple of Redditors. They're not people.
They're not people. Put this fucker at F. What is his name? It's Bernie. No, hate it. Yeah, F. F. All right, three more. What do we got?
Oh, what the fuck, dude? What the fucking hell? That's horrifying. That is not even a mascot. That's a visitor from another planet. That's just an alien disguising themselves. At least it's better than the fucking slug. It's a blue bee. It's a blue bee standing for the Pledge of Allegiance, it seems like, or something of that sort. He's got the...
He's got the whole fish thing going down. That's a bad photo. You know that's a bad photo of him. And he's doing a dunk. It's a blue little alien bee guy. Striped with purple. I don't like this one, dude. I don't like this one. Oh, it's a hornet, allegedly. Okay. That's interesting.
I don't like hornets. I don't like hornets in general. Yeah, they've got... You know, with bees, it's like at least there's some stakes. They sting you and it's like, okay, well, I'm dead. Hornets...
Hornets, it's like they got a million in the chamber. They can retract that shit. It doesn't come off their little ass. I think he's better than whatever the fuck the Santa Cruz mascot is, that little alien slug thing. Okay, I will put an E. Yeah, I'll take it.
All right, what do we got next? - This one might be controversial. This is a retired mascot from the Yankees, 'cause they don't have a mascot right now. - Oh! - Oh my God. - Who is this character? - This is Dandy. He served as the mascot for the Yankees back in the day. - I don't like him. - Dandy, I don't like Dandy either. - First impression, not good. - He also, it's funny too because it seems like the baseball glove is part of his anatomy.
Yes. Oh, it didn't used to be. Yeah, that's tied to him. That seems like it's his hand. That is his hand. He was born with that. And that's pretty fucked up. And he's also got those shell-shocked eyes, too, that I'm not a huge fan of. And he's got a red handkerchief, which means he's interested in fisting. Yeah, he was a mascot from 79 to 81. How do you know that? Is that like a thing?
Do people walk the streets with red handkerchiefs hanging out there?
Tucker, is that information? Oh, dude. Oh, we might be on. He might be on to something here. Oh, the hanky code. Oh, I don't want to hear about the hanky code. Now, once they start abbreviating handkerchief, you know, that shit's going downhill quick. Shit, this is in fucking debt. He's sniffing his mustache. I know that never means a good thing when he sniffs his mustache. Dude, he's right. He's right. Dude, how does he know that? Look how many fucking codes there are. There's a lot of them.
Worn on the left or the right. It doesn't matter. Same meeting. No, no. No, it's not. It's Fister and Fisty. Oh, you're right. You're right. My bad. Uniform fetish? A cop or a cop sucker? A cop sucker? Oh, I love that. Damn. Yeah, I just like smoking cigars. Jesus. Oh, all right. Let's get out of here. Yeah. No.
No, no. He's down there below. Again, with the weird wide hips. Not a fan. Not a fan. Even though he is from my beloved Yankees. Maybe an E. Maybe an E. And now, I know this guy. I know this guy. We got the green monster. We got Wally up in this bitch. Come on, dude.
Motherfucker. Look at him. Look at him. He's a homie there. That's not a homie. Look at him. That's not a homie that looks like a rejected Sesame Street character. He's just a green blob.
That stands for nothing. He stands for the wall. He doesn't stand for nothing. He represents the strength of the green monster. No, he doesn't. The wall. No, he doesn't. He doesn't represent anything. He's got the wide hips again. They're not that wide.
oh but they're wide enough he just looks like he likes to eat yeah no his aren't that wide i mean he he's got like a little bit he's got better of a better silhouette in his outfit going on a little bit better of a silhouette he went through a fucking look at that okay that that is hot that's everybody in the 80s man this was him in the 80s you know this was that monster back different time
Yeah. He put on a few pounds since then. If you look at that Instagram one, Tucker, you just looked at that. You know, he started listening to Jimmy Buffett. He started going to Florida a couple times a year. He's getting up there. He's getting up there.
Yeah, I don't know nothing about that. I don't know who that is. Tessie. We don't care about Tessie. We don't care. No, nothing about Tessie. But, you know, I'll be honest. I'd give him to Mrs. Met. Okay. I am leaving this podcast if you're putting him on ST. I'm leaving. I'm leaving the podcast. I think that Wally deserves it, you know? No. I think he does. No.
No. He's been through a lot. No. What's he been through, man? What's he been through? He's never struggled. A 95-year-long curse. He's never struggled. A 95-year-long curse or however long it was. Oh, fuck off. Fuck off. We had to make an ice cream in order to reverse that shit, dude. We had to make an ice cream flavor in order to do that.
And I ate that ice cream like I was making a difference, too. It was reverse the curse is what the name of the ice cream was. You weren't. That shit up, Tucker. Reverse the curse ice cream. I think it was, was it Hood? Might have been Hood. It was either that or Ben and Jerry's. Ben and Jerry's wouldn't give a fuck about a Boston team, would they? It was essentially like a rocky road or something. Hood.
Hood? Yeah, they're a sponsor of the podcast. Oh, maybe everybody did it. Brigham's did it, which is like a real, that's more of a New England brand right there. Hood is absolutely a New England brand. They were all in on it. Yeah. Comeback Caramel.
Look, all I'm saying is you got a huge fucking wall in left field. All you can think about is making a blob. Like, why wouldn't you make him fucking big and strong and muscular like the wall? Why is he? Why is he neutered? I know. But why did you neuter him?
I feel like he could have been so great. I mean, he could have. And all you've got now is a middle-aged to senior-age blob who doesn't stand for nothing. A shadow of his former self. I feel like you could hang, though, you know? Oh, you could hang with him. But like in a boomer way, he could hang.
Yeah, but you don't want, like, he's the parent of the, he's like the cool dad. Like, you never invite him, but he's there and he can hang a little bit. I'd give him at least a. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that. All right. All right. All right. But he's not going anywhere near Mrs. Matt. He's not going anywhere near Mrs. Matt.
That's the most games I've been to has been Red Sox games. I'm sure. I learned how to score a game. My dad taught me how to score a game. They have people for that. No, but there's little packets that you can buy at the beginning of the games. Like, they'll be handing them out. You buy them for like $10, and you get a little tiny pencil, and you score the game as it's going. It actually keeps you kind of focused on what's going on in the game. It makes it more entertaining. Really? Scoring the game? Ted's from a...
old baseball family yeah my dad's my dad's a season ticket holder for the red sox yeah and he and he he brings you to all the games he's like take notes ted here it was like it was like a rite of passage when i was growing up to be able to get taken to a red sox game like like i think it was like when we were eight or something was when your dad was using that scorecard to keep your adhd ass
hockey pod throughout that game he said here fucking score this you know 100% my dad did it and I learned how to do it when I was like 18 what's the point it took you a while well yeah because I didn't know like he'd get those and I'd be like dad's doing like math over here on the fucking like why is he why is he doing homework while we're watching really really why is he and you decided to do it too well it I don't know it's just it's
It's just a part of watching baseball or something. Stop fucking talking to me. I'm trying to score the fucking game we're watching. I don't know. Shut the fuck up, babe. Babe. In all honesty, it was a fun thing. Shut the fuck up. I need to write down how many balls and strikes there are, even though it's on the fucking big ass screen up there. It was a fun thing to learn from my dad, okay? It was a father-son thing. Hey, I'm just making... I'm just...
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