Smash, Marry, Kill 01:02:45

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

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Shlad, it's another week. Another time. Shut up. What? What's wrong? Show me those fingers. What do you mean? Show me those little tendrils, Ted. What do you mean? You want to see my phalanges? Oh, there's more on the other side. Yeah, there is, baby. Was that one, two, three, four, five rings now? Sorry. Sorry. Cinco. I'm in my fashion era. Cinco. Okay, well, I have a bracelet too, buddy. Okay, so you're not getting any points on me there. Oh, okay.

I don't remember actually seeing that bracelet before on you, Schlatt. Is there a pod tugger? Do you remember Schlatt wearing a bracelet? I don't remember that. I don't either. That is actually crazy. I believe if you go back like months and months, you'll see it because I've been wearing it. Here's the thing though. I'm not going to do that because I can say with certainty right now that Schlatt might be entering his own little fashion era. Are you, sir? No. Perfectly coiffed hair. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Alright, what else do I have? You've got sparkling eyes. Brilliantly white teeth. But listen, Schlatt, you know, I'm here in my fashion, you know, I'm in a situation where, you know, I can F a lot of people. I'm looking sexy. I can F...

a lot of people, if you know what I mean. Or I could potentially marry people, or with the power of this metal, because I've got so many rings, it's basically some brass knuckles, I could maybe kill someone. And perhaps our viewers have sent in various submissions on those people that we could do those things to. Maybe. So today...

on Chuckle Sandwich with my grand announcer voice. We're doing a good old fashioned game of F. Mary Kill. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. You want to know something crazy? What?

A lot of these suggestions people sent in were like, oh, my kiss, marry, kill. What do you mean kiss, marry, kill? Oh. Yeah, what are they, Mormon? Are you hearing this? What are they, cutie Cinderella? Who says kiss, marry, kill? Jeez. Kiss and marry are the same term.

Type of thing anyway. Yeah, no you get to kiss you get to kiss when you're in a marriage Yeah, that's the first thing you do in a marriage is kiss. You're right. It's actually Marriage starts. That's the signature of a marriage. Yeah right under the altar Yeah, right under the altar. Tucker's the only one here who knows how to do that. Ted saw it. Hey Tucker Can I see your hands actually for a second?

This is the ring of power, my friend. Oh, okay. It's earned. Okay, so Tucker's doing a little bit of ring action, too. What's that about? What's that about? Tucker's got a gold ring? Oh, yeah, it's gold. Wow. What are you, repping silver? I got a little zip tie. I can try maybe doing a little...

No, no, no. You can try. You can try. But unless I see you blinged out like a little like a little slut, I'm not going to be I'm not I won't accept it. I don't know. It looks pretty good right now.

I've been honestly, yeah, it actually kind of is working right now, which is weird. I need to paint my nails next, you know, and then pierce both my ears. That's terrifying that you would do that. But I also believe that it could happen. You just you just. What myself like. Is that what you said that you're going to bite your nails to like a point so you could pierce your own ears? The fuck did I say I was biting my nails to a point?

You invented that, man. That's what I thought I heard. I turned my audio down so I don't have as much bleed out of my headphones. I guess I can't hear you guys anymore. But yeah, we didn't actually just send out Tucker into the woods this time. We actually, all as a group, it was sort of like a group excursion where we all went in because we actually decided maybe...

Last minute. Yeah, the very last minute. As in, once we got on the call and we were like, what are we doing today? We went into the speak pipe and we actually all individually chose our own set. So there's going to be some surprises, even to Tucker for this one. So I'm very excited to see what we have here. If you don't know how the game works in the first place, if you're living on a rock or something, it's been at least a minute. So it's called Fuck, Marry, Kill.

And it's basically you choose, you got three options and you choose from those options. They're usually people, they could be notions, I suppose. But you choose out of those three things, which you would fuck, which you would marry and which you would kill. It's very, very simple, but sometimes they can get a little bit tough. Like if you were to say, for instance, Tucker or Schlatt, fuck, marry, kill your mom, your sister or your dad. Fuck my dad. Yeah, fuck him. Fuck my dad.

This is a game for high schoolers, you know? Maybe even late middle school. And it just, it feels like this isn't what we should be doing on the podcast. You know, like we should be spreading ideas online.

uh and maybe self-help habits instead of spreading hope is that what you think this podcast is about some joy you know okay message of jesus perhaps okay yeah you know maybe next time maybe the only thing the closest thing we get to spreading the message of jesus is one bible line that we repeat every single time yes it's the hardest one ever dude any of my children are to stumble uh

It'd be better a large millstone be hung around their neck. Oh, let a large millstone be hung around their neck and that they be drowned in the depths of the sea. Hard as fuck. Hard as fuck. I love that he said that. I think I have one that could tie in nicely to this. Oh, yeah. You want to open up with our first one, Tucker? Yeah, this one's coming from Steph. Okay. Hello, Chucklers, champions, and cherubs. Steph here. So, fuck, marry, kill. The father, the son, or the Holy Spirit?

Discuss. I refuse this on a moral level that's just not happening. I'm not answering that one. Can I just say off the bat, why is our first speak pipe, like, it's a mission coming from potentially an anthropomorphic mouse? Like, who is this? Who is this creature that's... I don't know. Steph? Steph? Okay. Wait, okay, so fuck, marry, kill the father, son, and the Holy Spirit. No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I probably...

I'd probably marry the son, gotta marry Jesus. He's a carpenter. He could make furniture. Be careful. He can make furniture. He's a carpenter. Be careful here, man. I'm being careful. You're walking down a dark path. I'm being careful. Of course I would marry Jesus. Would you not marry Jesus if you had the choice? Okay. And then I would fuck. Fuck.

God, AKA the father. I would fuck the father. Yes, I would. I would. And then I would probably kill the Holy spirit. Um, because in many ways, the Holy spirit has been killed inside me for many long, many, many long years being an agnostic character of the chuckle sandwich podcast. Um,

Schlatt's just gone. The only thing on his green screen is just the hills. The hills. Thanks for adding that in. The hills. Waiting for him to come back. Tucker, what would you choose if you had to choose? Probably some people out there don't know what the Holy Spirit is. So for those people, do you think you could... I don't know if I do either, to be honest. Shit. It proceeds from the Father. Oh, shit.

Audio listeners, love you to death. Fucking sitcom entrance from Slatt. Emma, please add in a fucking, a fucking, ooh, sounds my Carly while Slatt comes in.

Yeah, let's move right on. I actually do want to know, though. What does it proceed? The Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father. What does that mean? And depending on who you ask, from the Son as well. All right, let's move on to the next one. I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Do you guys want to pick one out from your deck? Maybe choose Nathan, the good one, too. Nathan, good one, too. Okay, here we go, Nathan. Hi, guys.

So for the fuck, marry, kill, you got Oprah, Kamala Harris. Kill. And Hatsune Miku. Marry. Damn. Who was the last one? Hatsune Miku, dude. She's an anime character. She's an anime character with blue hair that is like also the like music, I guess. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Atsune Miku. Don't do that noise the moment you see Atsune Miku, dude. What the hell? Yeah, that's marriage. That's wife material. You don't want to be in the same house as Oprah all day. Fuck that. We already know we're killing Kamala Harris. So you're marrying her? Hypothetically. Hypothetically. Okay. Yeah.

I need to make that very clear to any agents watching right now. That was a total hypothetical. It's a hypothetical scenario, yeah. Yes. All right. I'll just accept what Schlatt went with there because it seemed like it was pretty clear cut, cut and dry, some might say. Yeah, Tucker or Schlatt, you want to choose one that came from yours? Sure. Any of the ones with no notes on them. Marble Wolfgang. All right. Here we go. Okay.

Hi, Tucker. Hi, Ted. Hi, schnookums. My name is Marble Wolfgang. That's not a joke. Please don't contact me unless you have money and then you can contact me. My fuck, marry, kill are the three little pigs from the nursery rhyme. The one with the stick house and the straw house and the brick house. And you're probably thinking, yeah, just go ahead and marry the pig in the brick house because he's got the nicest one. You're wrong for that.

You're wrong. You want to, you know, of the three materials. Pause it, pause it, because he goes on, he's got a thesis about this. Okay. He wrote his dissertation about this. Marble Wolfgang. I want to hear this thesis that he, that Marble Wolfgang has. But hold on, before we do it, we should come up with, you know, a theory as well to see how in line we are. Okay.

Okay. So the three pigs from the nursery rhyme, the big bad wolf, there was a straw house, a stick house, and a brick house. Which one are you fucking? Which one are you marrying? And which one are you killing? Okay. I mean, obviously the mind immediately goes towards marrying the brick house boy because he knows how to make a stable homestead. Right. He knows how to do...

those things but at the same time you know the other three the other pigs they were using less strong materials yes and then they were having fun in their free time so you know in terms of a quality marriage maybe they would offer more fun but you know if you're looking for a safe homestead i'd probably marry the brick the brick pig and then i'd probably fuck the

the straw house pig because that that pig doesn't give a shit about anything so that's gonna be a good time you know right so you're right so the rationale for having that's a nasty pig that's a nasty bet that pig's gonna get down and dirty with me okay in the bedroom and then i gotta kill that the wooden rickety house one because it's like

You either, it's one or the other, you know, you either get down and dirty and sloppy and slimy or you get, you know, a Christian boy, which is the, which is the, the brick house pig. And that's, that's where I stand on things.

Interesting you said that. I think Marble Wolfgang might feel a little differently. Maybe we should listen to the rest of what he has to say. Okay, yeah, I guess your opinions are... Well, because I know, because I just want to say, I know what Marble Wolfgang is about to say and I fully agree with him. I fully stand behind the words that are about to come out of this dude's mouth. Okay, Marble, give it to us. You're wrong. You want to, you know, the three materials you've been presented with

bricks are the easiest to kill someone with so you want to go ahead and use that to your advantage so you want to kill the pig with his own bricks and then obviously you're gonna fuck the one in the stick house because he knows how to handle his wood right oh and then you'll just marry the straw pig and move into the now vacant brick home that his brother so graciously left for him

and so the will the the straw pig is a stupid one right obviously he has to be he built his house out of fucking grass so he'll never piece it together that you were the one that killed his brother the brick pig has to be the smart one by you know conversely he would find out he would eventually find out that you killed his brother and that would cause problems later on in your relationship yeah so marrying about

The Brick Pig in any situation is not the correct move. No, this is a great point. What are your thoughts on this? Bye, guys. This is a great point from Marlboro Wolfgang. I wasn't at all considering the larger continuity and lore of the consequences of the fucking Barry and me killing. You gotta consider it, man. You gotta consider it. Yeah, no, Tucker, I mean...

do you agree or disagree? Do you agree with me or do you agree with Marble Wolf Gang? The only problem I see is like if you're in a brick house, you can't just be like, oh, let me grab one of these bricks. Yeah, that shit's locked in. That shit's locked in. Yeah, just be like, eh. Yeah, just let me pull one of these out like a Lego. If you're a stick house and it was all woven sticks, you might be able to, you know, a little spear action. Yeah. But then you're not getting a good lay.

Yeah, that is true. Yeah. A straw pig could definitely get it. You know, if somebody's, you know, like the straw house pig, it's going to be a slut. That's going to be a slutty pig. That's going to be a slutty pig. And that pig knows how to do a little bit of mud wrestling, whatever you know what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about? Very horny this episode. A little bit. A little bit. Those rings. Bro, you're getting worse and worse. It's hornier and hornier every ring he puts on. Yeah, no, I'm fucking the straw pig, man. I ain't taking that back. Ted is the straw pig.

I feel a little bit of an allegiance with the Straw Pig because, you know, I feel like the Straw Pig is sort of the poster child of ADHD. It's like, how am I going to get this project done as soon as fucking possible? Am I right? So I can go off and play Baldur's Gate for fucking seven days until the, you know? You know? That's fair. Yeah. Next week, please do not, like, come in with two more rings and just, like,

Just like be doing that and shit. You know, you know this, this one. Yeah, I know that. Cause that's my thing. That's my thing. No, don't worry. I'll just come with more. I'm going to, I'm going to go. I got to start getting some thumb rings. Actually. This is a great opportunity because now we've turned this into a tax write off a bowl bit.

Oh, yeah. So you can just put them all on the card now. All of my fashion endeavors can now be written off. Just show off a fit every episode. Next week, I'm going to show up in just right off the shelf 2024 Fashion Week garbs that look like shit with like... Because there's some weird stuff that comes out of the Fashion Week stuff where it's like they're walking down the aisle and it's like they've got shoulder pads that are made of iron and shit and the...

Go to your happy place for a happy price. Go to your happy price, Priceline.

That's a good idea. Speaking of showing off a little bling, you should show off that new piece of gold behind you. Oh, yeah. Is this a thing to get me to stand up so you can start making fun of my shoes? No, no. That was a good segue. They were making fun of my shoes before we opened this podcast. Ed's shoes are a weak point in the outfit. I don't know what those are, man. Those are... That's just rough. Dude, those are the shoes I used to wear when I worked at Staples. Ha ha ha ha.

Let me guess. They made fun of me. I don't know why you'd willingly put yourself in those things. Why am I not surprised? Okay. Chucklers, check it out. Yeah! We got the golden plaque for Chuckle Sandwich now, baby. Came in the mail. And we're going to do a thing where I'm going to have the new... Two more ordered. Tarka's going to have one. Shalette's going to have one. Shalette's already got like...

11 already or something he's saving up for his mr beast fucking diamond play button right now i'm gonna trade up i'm gonna trade up with him at some point that's gonna be the conversion rate 10 mil for 10 mil oh yeah yeah it's just spread out across like 10 channels so

yeah and then how much do you think you're going to be able to sell that shit for i don't know probably a lot he's probably not giving away the original mr beast one he's probably going to give you something like mr beast gaming or something that's funny you say that where are you going so slice digging around okay what do you got here what the fuck what do you have what is that that was oh oh i can't see what does it say on there

You have the Mr. Beast Gaming 10 million play buddy? I have it. I have the original one. It's this one. This is the one. Why do you have it? I stole it. I went to his office. Um...

Almost exactly a year ago and I met him and I swiped it and he had no fucking clue He didn't even notice does he know you have this he was in a meeting now We should we shouldn't talk this has been sitting this been sitting. I've never revealed this I've had it for a year. Oh my god You just you're a thief. It's the original mr. Beast gaming YouTube play that's insane Yeah

Don't look at your, you looking at the reflection of a thief right now. That's what you're looking at. You're looking at the reflection of a thief. I hope you're happy with yourself. Sometimes I sit late at night with it and I look at it and I kiss it and I go, man, I wonder if Carl touched this. Is that why it's covered in fucking smudges all over the place? Yeah, of course it is. Okay. But that's the, that's the, uh, yep. That is the original. Oh my God. Okay.

And if Jimmy is watching this right now, that's, uh, this, this is us testing out our new AI, our new Chuckle Sandwich AI platform. We're a little AI generated video. Uh, so, so no need to check your grand vault. No need to check your grand vault, Jimmy. No need to send your, uh, no need to send your Mr. Beast Feastables death squad after us. It's okay.

Do not send Mr. Beast Feastival Death Squad after us because he has one of those. Only send Feastivals. Yeah, only send Feastivals. That's really funny. It is what it is, man. I've never revealed that. I can't even believe I did it because I'm putting myself in harm's way for this podcast. Hey, but that's what you got to do when you want to get a good podcast and when you want to get a good YouTube short.

That's true. That's true. Mr. Beast would know everything about why you did that. He would respect the grind right there. Yeah, no, he would respect it, actually. I think that Jimmy's going to give you a call and he's going to say, I got a private plane for you. And then you're like, I want you to be in another video of mine. You're going to get on the pirate plane. You're going to walk on it. They're going to get champagne. You're going to get some little hors d'oeuvres, some cheese and crackers maybe. Oh, yeah.

And you're going to get off that plane and you're going to be in fucking international waters. And it, and I think that you know where things are going to go from there, my friend. Yeah. Yeah.

I just won't get on any private planes anytime soon, I guess. Yeah, yeah. It's going to pretty much follow the same timeline as the movie The Menu. Right. It's just going to be a bunch of other YouTubers that are... It's going to be you and a bunch of YouTubers that copy MrBeast's content, and it's going to follow the entire storyline of The Menu. Anyways, let's get another Fuck, Marry, Kill going, huh? Dane. Okay, here's Dane. Hello, Dane.

Ted and Tucker. And hi, Schlatt. I think this is Fuck, Marry, Kills. I'm roping these right off the dome. Coming in at number one, we have Elaine Bennis from Seinfeld. Coming in at number two, we have Optimus Prime. And coming in at number three, we got Metro Man from Megamind.

Okay. Metro Man? Yeah, Metro Man. Oh, bro. So we've got... The three we've got is Elaine from Seinfeld, Optimus Prime, and Metro Man from Megamind. So what are we thinking here? Metro Man, he's looking pretty good. He's definitely... You're not killing him. You're either fucking him or looking at him for the rest of your life. I'm just going to say it. Yeah. I mean, I'd probably...

I don't know but you know there's a certain safety that comes with the voice of Optimus Prime you know Optimus Prime is sort of a he's sort of a safe guy you know he's like Autobots I'm about to marry Jay Schlatt. Dude you don't want that's like marrying that's like marrying Donald Trump and then all of a sudden no it's like you marry Trump and then all of a sudden all

All of a sudden, the person you married just to marry into some money is now the president and you have duties now. You don't want to marry Optimus Prime. You know the final sequence in the 2009 original Transformers movie, right? Where he does that little monologue at the end where it ends with fucking Linkin Park. Yeah. This is a message to all the Autobots hiding out amongst the stars.

I am here and I'm about to marry Jay Schlatt. Thank myself. Done.

That'd be an epic ending to the movie. That'd be a crazy ending, dude. I know, but I'm saying he had how many more fucking movies about him fighting shit? You're always going to be on the run. Always going to be scared. Is Optimus dying tonight? I don't know. I don't know. I was a kid, and I saw Optimus Prime say that he was about to marry Jay Shlod. At the end of the first Transformers movie, that would blow my fucking mind. No, you kill him. You kill him. My brain would come out. You kill him, you don't have to worry. It'd be like a little firecracker was under my temple right here, or in my temples. Don't worry.

Don't have to worry. Kill Optimus Prime. Fuck Elaine and marry Metro Man. Why do you have to say fuck Elaine with such venom? Like there was such venom behind that. That was like, I don't know what you mean. Okay. Yeah. I would also fuck Elaine, the fictional character. And then what would I do? I mean, dude, Metro Man's whole thing. I'm just learning about him now. It suddenly hit me. I do have a choice. I can be whatever I want to be.

And then he quits being a Superman and he pursues music. So you just be like at home with this guy all day doing hobbies. Yeah. That sounds great. And he's also like Superman level power level. Yeah. Merry Metro man. I guess I'll kill Optimus Prime. I mean, he dies anyway. So I think, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. You,

You probably get a movie made about you. I'll tell you what, I do not want to fuck Optimus Prime. I don't want to take a single look at that guy's all spark, if you know what I mean. Well, I mean, he could have a nice cat-back exhaust. Yeah, yeah. Or he could be straight piped, in which case, wow, that's a ride. There are people out there that would fuck Optimus Prime, though. They literally would. Of course, of course, definitely. No, because specifically I'm thinking of My Strange Addiction and the guy that fucks his car. Yeah.

Yeah. The guy that like sits under the tail pipe of it and starts smooching on the, on the bumper of the car. Have you seen this Tucker? No. Have you seen this? Look at the guy, my strange addiction guy kissing his car. Very interesting. Look at this guy. Dude, this isn't even a nice car. No, it's like a Ford. It's like an old Ford Mustang. It's terrible. I don't, I mean like, look at, he's giving it some kisses.

I guess he has sex with it. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, that's an action shot. Oh, yeah, that is an action shot right there. Yeah, no, I mean, so imagine this guy gets a date with Optimus Prime. I mean, I feel like he'd be living this car in the dust. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he would be. He would be. Yeah, a lot more horsepower in Optimus Prime, that's for sure. Anyways, what do we got next? Oh, damn, you have to ask me.

I went and got a prop for this. Fine. Tucker, I'm sorry. You sounded like a hurt child when I moved on from you. Well, we had it and I took off. Yeah, I know. I wasn't really sure what you were doing, but Tucker, what would you do for this? I just have been waiting for a reason to light this.

oh my god tucker has audio listeners love you dad tucker has a fucking elaine like vigil like wow yeah that's what they usually put jesus on those yeah not not on my bedside table they don't is elaine your like hall pass or something in your marriage dude you tell me wow enough said i suppose and then for the other ones

Oh, dude. Well, I'd kill the Optimus thing because that's for nerds. And I'd fuck the dude because he's pretty hot. Oh, so you're marrying Elaine. I'm wifing that up. Oh, yeah, dude. That's a lifetime of fun. And I assume that candle's on for the rest of the podcast. For the rest of the episode, that's going to be burning. Fuck yeah. All right. Let's go to the next speak pipe. We'll do this one.

Hello, Schlatt and Ted and Tucker. First of all, Ted, you're doing great with the fashion. You flew the mother plane into the World Service Center and Contagon. Okay, you fucking picked this one, didn't you? Wait, wait, go back. I can't stop talking. I can't hear him. I can't hear the comment. You fucking picked this one. He heard this before. Shut your mouth. I need to hear this one. You're doing great with the fashion. You flew the mother plane into the World Service Center and Contagon and don't let anyone take that away from you.

Anyways, fuck, marry, kill, do the Jonas Brothers, Nick, Joe, and Kevin. Personally, I would fuck Doflamingo from One Piece, but like, I get that he owns slaves, but like... What the fuck is going on with this speak pipe? That's true about Doflamingo. I mean, he is kind of a piece of shit, and he's like eight feet tall, and he's kind of, he's a shady character, Doflamingo.

Alright, I'm looking at the Jonas Brothers right now. Yeah, I know you're looking at the Jonas Brothers. With labels? I need to know which one's which. Tucker just searched up the Jonas Brothers with labels as his Google search. Like he thought that there would be like fucking comic stands under each of them where it said each of their names. Honestly, let's be real. If you were Kevin Jonas...

If I was Kevin Jonas, I'd fucking kill myself. Anyway, so let's finish the job for him. Let's put him down. Okay. Do either of these guys, have either of these guys ended up in like a memoir or something, doing something shitty? Joe and Nick? I'm sure that they've done something wrong. Are the Jonas Brothers good people? I'm sure that they've done something wrong. Are the Jonas Brothers good people? What has Nick done? I mean, I don't know.

I'd just probably roll a dice if I had to choose between these guys. I'd...

I'd roll a dice to choose each of them. A die. I could be fucking marrying and killing any of them. I was sort of just more excited about the compliment I was getting, but then they started talking about something about me doing something with the Trade Center. Yeah, some of the World Trade Center and Pentagon. That's not like a totally fashionable thing. No. There was a weird vibe to that one. Yeah, took a little bit of a left turn. I think she was horny. I think it was like for you, for your fashion.

Well, I mean, that's to be expected, but I mean, like, you know. I mean, I'm not surprised by that at all. I've got my nice little teal car hard jacket on. I've got my sweet rings. I mean, sorry. Sorry. Kill Kevin and flip a coin. Kill Kevin and flip a coin. Yeah, kill Kevin, flip a coin. Let's do the next beat pipe. Melissa. SpongeBob. Patrick. Squidward.

Man, no, that's a good. No. Yeah. Straight to the point too. I really appreciate it at Melissa. Okay. Question. If you're marrying, marry doesn't have to be the good option, right? Like you can be in a shitty marriage. You can. You can. I want to marry Squidward. Why? Why?

Because I feel like fucking him, I don't want to do. Yeah. He's got that nose, though. And killing him. He's got that nose, though, man. You'd get no, there'd be no, nothing. I'd feel nothing killing Squidward. Okay. The only way he can make me feel something is if I'm in a long relationship with him.

And I'd fuck SpongeBob. Yeah, no, I'd fuck SpongeBob too. You see how many holes that guy's got? You see how many holes that guy's got? He's got a lot of options. A lot of options for SpongeBob. You'd be 20 years in the marriage and you'd still be finding new options for yourself. You gotta fuck SpongeBob all the time. I mean...

No, all the time. I'd pop 10 Viagras. You just ring them out and go for a second. 10 Viagras. I'd be like, I'm still hard. I got to keep going. Just finding out. Yeah, this is a great episode of the sandwich. Yeah, we're fucking SpongeBob. Yeah, and then you kill Patrick. You kill Patrick because he'd be like,

he'd be cause you know Patrick like he gets a brain and he's like already depressed but then he loses his brain he's like you know when he was like the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma like he wants there's a part of Patrick that wants to die I think a little bit sure you know

But if I'm killing someone, it has to be like, oh, no, I don't want to die. Like, you have to get something out of it, some kind of, like, boo. It has to feel taboo. Yeah, it could go either way with Patrick or Squidward. But, I mean, at the end of the day, I think you and I both know we're fucking SpongeBob, man. We're fucking SpongeBob, dude. We're fucking SpongeBob.

Yeah. Yeah. No, and he's going to, he's going to, we could DP him. I don't even care. Yeah. At the same time, dude. Well, I can tower him. Yeah. Uh, yeah. No. Uh, can I get back to you on about that? Like, can I, I can talk to, you know what? I'll have my people contact your people. Sure. Uh,

uh sure we'll do a meeting beforehand we can yeah we can do yeah we'll sync up before my hand i just but i just want to let you know like i'm really booked right now so like it might be a little while before we can get like a meeting more for me no yeah i sure yeah and don't even get me started on sandy what do you think they call what do you think they call sandy cheeks for

You notice at the Super Bowl, they kept their helmet on? Why? She was above ground. Then it would just be a squirrel. Yeah.

People watching would be like, what the fuck's this? She didn't need the glass. She was above ground. Yeah. No, actually, because contextually in the Super Bowl, that was happening at Bikini Bottom. They never said that was the Super Bowl. Yeah, they did. They would do like establishing shots where they would show this massive like seven-story stadium and then the Krusty Krab was like small next to it. Okay, so it was underwater. Fair, fair, fair.

Damn. Yeah. No. Fuck Sandy. Sandy. That wasn't even like one of your choices. Like you're just, this is, this is like out of pure passion that you're saying this right now. Fuck Mrs. Puffs. Mrs. Puff. Okay. Fuck SpongeBob's mom. That is a puffer fish. You are going to put yourself in grave danger if you're going to try to fuck Mrs. Puff.

Okay, because that's a fucker. Fuck the tattletale strangler. I want him to strangle me as he's fucking me. I want him to fuck me. Yeah, I want to get fucked by one of those guys from the fucking rock bottom. They're good with their tongues, man, if you know what I mean. Okay, let's move on. Fuck the dirty bubble. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Fuck Larry. Okay. The lobster. Oh, yeah. No, we get it, dude. We get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Fuck the chocolate lady, dude. Fuck the chocolate. Oh, shit. Chocolate? That'd be your last time. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Yeah. A lot of great options in that show. Yeah, dude.

The hand. The hand that comes down. Fuck the hand, dude. That's a little too horny for SpongeBob Universe. Fuck Patsy the pirate. You know what? While we're talking, fuck the MyLegGuy. I mean, he's already got the line down. David Hasselhoff? David Hasselhoff? Fuck the...

I don't know. Keanu Reeves showed up in one of the newer movies. He did. He has a fucking tumbleweed. Oh, what about Neptune's daughter? Nice, Tucker. Yeah. Nice. All right. What's the next one? I feel like we're creeping people out now. Here's Jarrett at Comcast.net. Okay. Hey, Schlatt. Hey, Ted. Hey, Tucker. Fuck, marry, kill. Heihachi Mishima, Kazuya Mishima, or Jin Kazama.

Who the fuck are these people, dude? I don't know. Who the fuck are these people? Who favorited this one? Tucker. Tucker? No, I didn't. I have no... You think I know who those people are? Ed's the weeb. I didn't write... He is the weeb. I didn't write my note below this. Ted, what... Who are these people? I don't know. I didn't like this one. I have no idea who any of these people are. This has to be from some shit you watched.

No, it's not. I don't know. Why is it on here? Play it again. Let's figure this out, though. Fuck, marry, kill. Heihachi Mishima, Kazuya Mishima, or Jin Kazama. Heihachi Mishima. Heihachi Mishima? Oh, it's a foe! Oh, my God! What the fuck? God damn! He's huge! He's a Tekken fighter. Oh, Kazuma. Oh, that's...

Oh. Jin Kazama. I like the way that name sounds. Okay. This is like, okay. This is like, this is all Tekken, I'm pretty sure. It's got to be all Tekken. But who favorited this? I don't, I have no idea. Maybe one of us missed. Maybe one of us missed when we were doing the star thing and we accidentally got this random, this random guy. We wouldn't have chosen this. He just, he's probably listening to this right now and he's like, they wouldn't have actually chosen this. Yeah.

uh chad can i ask you a question as a straight man is it more accepting and more are you being more of an ally by fucking the dude or marrying the dude uh dude i'm fucking this lady i mean she's you know that's what else am i supposed to do here i don't know but then you have to marry a dude

Yeah, but as a straight guy, you have to marry him. Yeah, but like, you know, you can have some boundaries. Don't talk to me. That's your boundary with the guy. Dude, don't. Just a ceremonial, like a ceremonial marriage. This guy is scary. I don't want to fuck him. No, the old guy dies. Yeah, I think I need to kill him.

And he's sort of a dreamboat, isn't he? Yeah. He's sort of a dreamboat. Jin Kazama. Yeah, no, I'll marry Jin, you know? I think I'd have to do the same thing. I think he'll take me out to a nice dinner or something. Yeah, I'll marry Jin. I got to kill that fucking freaky guy, though. I got to kill that guy. That guy shouldn't be on this planet. He's got a fucking X scar on his fucking chest. How do you even get that? Yeah, it's fucked.

you'd go out of your way to get that and then i'll and then i'll i will i will have intercourse with the woman yes yeah and there we go there we go with the tiger too with the tiger involved too let's get the tiger involved no actually the tiger doesn't need to be involved i heard they're going extinct i heard allergic to cats is all the tiger is going extinct so your solution is to fuck a tiger

Don't rub your temple like it's a hard choice. I don't know, man. I'm trying to help humanity. Okay, that's fair. That's... Okay. Let's go to the next one. I'm getting a little confused here. Let's go to one that I picked because that was a weird one. Do anonymous, maybe. Hey, what's going on, Schlatt, Ted, and Tucker? I'm actually drunk driving right now. Dude's locking in right now. Oh, yeah, I'm stuck.

I took another swig. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, marry, kill. Um, let's do something a little bit different, you know? Something a little bit unique. How about, how about, fuck, marry, kill, Jay Shlatt, Ted, and Tucker. You know, that's something different. That's something, something that was, uh, something that was done before. Oh, actually, hold on, hold on. Uh-oh. No, no, no, no, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. No! No! No! No!

I think he died, bro. That was his last words. Shit. I fucked Ted and I married Tucker and then I kill myself. Cut and dry. I'd marry Tucker. Tucker is the obvious marriage choice. Stable. I'd fuck myself. Jerking off. Okay. And then I'd kill you, Schlatt. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. Yeah. You're going to have to wear a couple more rings when I'm fucking you.

I want to be, I want to feel magnetically attracted. You want to hear just like rings clasping together? It needs to sound like chain mail. Oh God. All right. All right. Rest in peace to the user who sent that in. Yeah, rest in peace to Anonymous who sent that in. Choose one of yours, Tucker. Let's see if you got something good for us. Here's McGuire. Okay.

Hey, how's it going? Ted, Schlatt, Tucker. My name's McGuire. One name, like Cher or Schlatt. Thanks for the clarification. And my fuck, marry, kill is Flo from Progressive, the Allstate guy, and the Aflac duck. Oh, fuck. Three insurance icons. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Just like...

Just like you guys are icons. Beautiful, handsome, lovely. Thank you. Okay. Bye. Okay. What does the Allstate guy look like, though? Tucker, would you pull up the Allstate guy for me so I know what the fuck that guy looks like? He's the guy with the deep voice. Allstate. Oh. You win good hands. But this is the guy. Is it the Mayhem guy? That's Chaos. Yeah, Mayhem.

No, I don't know, actually. That is the voice. Okay, so it's this guy, but this voice. No, because Mayhem is also speaking in his own voice. The Allstate guy has a very clearly distinct voice from the Mayhem guy. Yeah, yeah, he does. And I think when we think of Allstate guy, we think of that guy. I definitely think of this guy, the guy with the deep voice. I like this guy.

Yeah, maybe I'd marry this guy. Maybe I'd marry him. I can't stand Flo. I'd probably kill her. Yeah, you probably have to. But then if I do those two things, that means I'm fucking a duck. What's Flo's net worth? Can we look that up? Honestly, I kind of wonder if it's even that big. Oh, it's got to be big. It's got to be big, dude. What's her name? I don't know. What's Flo's net worth? 8 mil? 8 mil?

Honestly, not as big as you think it would be, right? I was thinking at least 20 mil. But for a commercial actress, that's pretty solid. Okay, I'll say it. I'll say it. Ducks, I can fuck one if I needed to. Why do we keep fucking the animals? They have cloacas. Oh, they got... Oh, yeah. No, they do have the... So, yeah, it'd be a new experience. And everyone always says you have to take risks and experiment in life. Yeah, no, they definitely have...

we've got this what is that this corkscrew penises tucker you're a duck guy you don't you don't i mean i don't see the duck fucking me you know well why'd you bring it up i did i didn't bring up the corkscrew penis you did didn't you say no what do you say you're inventing you're inventing things that i'm saying i'm pretty sure you said something about the cloaca the cloaca

What is that? The cloaca. They're reproductive. I just thought that was the name of a duck penis. No, so ducks have holes. Birds have holes that they have a cloacal kiss that they press together and that's how they reproduce. Yeah, it's revolting. I don't even know what's the point of the duck penis. The ducks not? The ducks have vaginas? Yeah, I think ducks are unique. Fuck, ducks have vaginas.

okay if i must you were like chilled by that information fuck ducks have vaginas if i must if i must uh i mean okay i'm killing flow i'm marrying the guy i guess i'll fuck the duck you are you are you are and i am too okay duck man i don't know man i'm all right

Can we move on? I don't want to think about fucking this Doug anymore. I don't want to hear about any quawacas or whatever the... I don't want to hear about this shit. I don't even know how you know about that shit. Boruff taught me. Boruff taught you? Boruff taught me all about quawacas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In an episode of Inbox. Nice, Boruff. I miss him. Here comes Henry. Hey, Schwart. Hey, Ted. Hey, Tucker. Not true. Fuck, Mary, kill. Gordon Ramsey, Martha Stewart, or Guy Fieri.

Not a bad one. And Barry Gordon Ramsey. He's going to be a good disciplinary to the kids. No, he'd be abusive to you. No, he wouldn't. He'd probably beat you. Because if you ever see him in those episodes where it's like the kids Iron Chef version, he's very kind to them. Very kind to them.

Yeah, but you're an adult, dude. You're an adult. I am an adult. And he's going to be rough with you. And is that Martha Stewart in a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition? What is Martha Stewart doing in there with her titties out? I don't think that... Can I... Hold on. Let me chase after you. I don't think that he would be abusive towards me. Oh, he totally would. He totally would. He would love me with all his heart, with all his... He'd hit you. He'd hit you. He would make me Beef Wellington every Sunday. And I would say thank you for it. Beef Wellington? Beef Wellington?

Kill yourself. I'm fucking guy. I bet that guy's got some crazy shit up his sleeve. Look up. Look up Gordon Ramsey. Kill yourself. Yeah, I will quote this multiple times a day. I'll just shout it. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Young man. Kill yourself. Oh, young man.

- But he wouldn't say that to me if I was in a delicious marriage with him. - No, you obviously married Guy Fieri because you get to travel the world. - No, fucking Guy Fieri. - No, you get to travel the world with him and eat at the best places in the country on his show. Drivers, Dive-Ins, and Deep, damn. You get to be on his show. I don't know what it's called, but. - I like Diners, Drive-Ins. - Drive-In and Dines. - You know what, I don't actually know what the third word is actually.

Dives. Dives. Dives. Yeah, it would be nice to be married to him. You get to go around. Yeah, look at that. That picks you up for a date. And he's in such a cool car. Yeah. No. Okay. Shit. I don't know. Maybe I'm married to Guy Fieri. You're definitely turning me over to the Guy Fieri marriage party. That's what I'm saying, man. And Gordon Ramsay is just going to hit you all day and beat you and beat the fuck out of you. Okay. Gordon Ramsay would beat the fuck out of his wife. He'd beat the fuck out of his wife.

No, yeah, no, no, no. He has a love for food. Not a love for eating. Yeah, he's got like three kids or something. He's got three kids? Yes, yes. I feel bad for that woman.

I think that he would be a wonderful... Kill yourself! I feel like he would be a wonderful man to marry. I think that he would make me delicious meals all the time. Definitely not. He would say... I would wake up in the morning. I'd be... I'd be coming downstairs. I'd be in my bathrobe. I'd be like, hello, Gordon. And he'd be like, you look marvelous this morning, darling. You look marvelous. Listen, you can have Gordon all for yourself. One thing's for sure. I am...

Martha Stewart. Oh, my God. Did you see? Did you see that magazine posed in a swimsuit, dude? Okay. Let her have her confidence. All right. I'm giving her some confidence.

I'm fucking Martha Stewart. Oh, I thought you were making fun of her for some reason. I was like, that's so rude. Why would you do that? No, fucking Martha Stewart. No. Yeah, no. Maybe I'd fuck Martha Stewart too. I mean, who am I killing though? I guess we'll kill Gordon Ramsay. I'll marry Guy Fieri and fuck Martha Stewart. Fine. Fine. Glad to see it my way. Fine. Fine. I think we have time for maybe one more. Should we try Val?

Okay. Hey, television. Hey, shawarma. Hey, trucker. These are my Fuck, Marie, Kill submissions. Tom Nook, Bowser, and Donkey Kong.

This one's easy. You don't marry Bowser because he's always looking at other women. He's trying to capture them, take them to his castle. One specific woman, by the way. One specific woman. It's going to be like he's going to go out and he's going to come home and he's going to be like, where have you been all day? And he's going to be like, I was out. I was with my friends. And he was like, oh, was your friend. Did her name begin with P and N with each?

You fucking slut. Exactly. You can't fuck with Bowser. Kill Bowser. Even fucking him, there's nothing to grab onto that isn't very uncomfortable.

Kill Bowser. Fuck Donkey Kong, man. Now, what do you think about Tom Nook? Are you marrying this guy? Yeah, I am. The dude knows how to run a business. The dude's got people in debt for him all the time. He's got a strong financial base. That's what I was going to say. I didn't think you'd take that route. I mean, I thought I was the only one who could say that. Look at him. He's a bad boy. Oh, yeah. He's a hunk. Oh, wow. Look at that. Shit. Audio listeners love you to death. Tom does not have a shirt on. Wow.

Yeah, he's good with business. He has two kids, right? Yeah, I think. Able sisters? Yeah. There's actually, yeah, I think that that's how I'll go. There's actually one more that I remember just now that I want to cover, though. One more Fuck, Marry, Kill. If you would, please, Tucker. Sure.

Okay. You want it right now? Yeah, I want that right now. Here comes Nolan. Hello, handsome men. Thank you. Today, your fuck, marry, kill will be one of every Pokemon, a billion lions, or Jesus Christ. No, I can't do Jesus. May or may not exist. He definitely, okay, definitely was a guy. So would you fuck every one of every Pokemon?

or marry one of every Pokemon or kill every one of every Pokemon or would you fuck a billion lions? Or would you fuck Jesus Christ? I'm not answering. I can't. I can't, dude. I think that perhaps would marry

Again, Jesus Christ. I would marry Jesus Christ because he's a carpenter and he knows how to make furniture. And let's say me and Jesus, we're having a great life. We're living our lives. Maybe we've got kids. I don't know. Would that be the son of God, daughter of God squared? Who knows? Zombie apocalypse comes rolling along.

I got a carpenter husband. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, what's that? What's that? I've got a carpenter husband. Looks like I'm surviving the zombie apocalypse because my husband, Jesus Christ, is going to be making me a set of ramps. Going to surround the house with the ramps and a moat before the ramps. So they go up the ramps the zombies think they're getting to us, but then they fall down into the moat. And then there's other ramps that lead them away.

And I think that is why Jesus would be a very good husband, because it would, you know, it would sort of be his responsibility anyways, if the zombie apocalypse did come, because his dad, my father-in-law would have made. Are you still fucking going? Yes, I am. Do you have a problem with that?

My father-in-law, God, would be semi-responsible for the zombie apocalypse. So he, you know, that's what he needs to do. Anyways, I'd probably kill... What would I kill? I mean, there are some interesting looking Pokemon. I'd probably fuck every single one just to figure out what those are. Jinx. And then I would kill a billion lions. I would kill a billion lions and I would...

be renowned for doing so and that is my take on it so so that's his take on it that is my take on it actually yeah Tucker what do you think what do you think you marrying Jesus man come on I think well you certainly can't kill him you certainly can't you can't because well yeah I would kill him you well it's crazy but if you kill him it's sort of like a not a lost cause because that that fucker is coming back

Yeah, and he's coming back stronger. He's coming back stronger, but only for like three days. Yeah, and then he's gone again for eternity. Yeah, or until he comes back. I don't really know the lore. I need to brush up. It would be a weird relationship, too. What if you impregnated him? That's not one of the options. Stop. I can't even listen to this off screen anymore, bro.

This is hurting me. Stop. What set you off there? Was it the part where Tucker said he wanted to impregnate Jesus Christ? No, not leaving. Well, hear me out. I'm hearing you out, Tucker. What do you have to say? You could have baby Jesus squared, like you were mentioning. Honestly, that's literally where my brain was going in the exact same way where I was talking about the daughter. I was like, Jesus squared. And that would be like the square root of God.

It would be. You're right. And the square root of God, you got that, and you're his mentor. You're his father. Square root of God. I think that's going to pan out real nice. It's simple math, brother. It's simple math. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, it really is. Damn. Okay. Really wish Slat would come back, though. Yeah, he's touchy about this stuff, you know? You know, he is a little touchy about this stuff. And with ducks, he is touchy, too. And with tigers, too? Yeah.

Well, we're talking about the lions today. A billion lions. A billion. Would he fuck a billion lions? Shlack, come on back. Come on back, Shlack. Come on. He's sniffling. He might be crying. Is he... I'm hearing noises from off screen. Is he like hitting something? What is he doing? Oh. Okay. I just got like a glimpse of his hair that came in the lower part of the screen. What is he doing? He's repenting. Maybe he's... Okay. Um...

Guys, can we end the podcast? Thanks for watching this episode of Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. The next episode of SpeakPipe, please go and submit us your questions on if you are the asshole. So if you've known in the past, we've done the am I the asshole through Reddit. We're going to do it with you guys sending in your submissions where you've been in a situation where you may have been the asshole and submit to us and ask your question. Am I the asshole?

And we will determine for you based on our morals. If you are the asshole. See you next time. I'm Ted. Bye. That's that. That's Tucker. Bye.