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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
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What did you do? I didn't do nothing. What did you do? I did nothing. I think you did do something, dude. I didn't. I didn't. You did do something. I've been sitting here in my seat all day, all week even. All week, all week I've been doing nothing. Okay, but you're smiling when you say that. You have a
grin, you're moving your tongue around under your lips. You know that there's been things in the news lately. What's been in the news? Nothing's been in the news. Have you checked on the king lately? No, I don't read the news. You don't read the news? Okay. No, I don't vote either. Yeah, King Charles, he's...
He's got cancer. He does? He's got cancer. This just came out? Yeah. King Charles, the newly appointed king of England, has cancer? You want to explain this to me? What, you got a cancer ray or something? No, no.
Okay, let's be real for a second, Ted. This news, you're telling me this news just came out? Mm-hmm. Everyone figured it out at the same time? Have you seen this fucker's hot dog ass fingers? Have you seen his extremities, bro? That shit's been cooking in him for decades. He's had it.
He's had it for as long as I can remember. Are you kidding me? You're right. I mean, Tucker's pulled up the Google images and it looks like a fucking, it looks like a butcher. Every finger's got cancer. I don't know anyone who's got fingers like that besides the King of England. Like, there's no one in the world that I've seen that has fingers that are like, it's just, that's crazy. It's...
And you're telling me that everyone just found out about this dude's cancer. I guess. I mean... Dude, I've been saying this for years. That dude has cancer. Jeez. And his time's almost up. So you don't think he's going to survive? How can you have so much certainty around such a topic like that, Schlatt? Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.
Welcome, everybody, to another episode of Chocolate Sandwich. King Charles has cancer, everybody. Dude's got cancer. Woo! Yeah. I'm going to be batting two for two soon, baby. Two for two. He's on a kill streak. Hell, even one for two is a Hall of Fame streak. I mean, dude, Ty Cobb. Ty Cobb batted 368, and he made it. So, I mean, holy shit. He was the best who ever did it. I'm up out of my seat today. You seeing this? I am seeing this. You got the...
Oh, you can jump. I don't think I've ever actually seen you jump before. I don't do it often. That was like a leapfrog kind of maneuver you did there. Yeah. It's funny, too, because I don't think that there's any sort of scenario where I can open up a podcast except for about King Charles and be like, man, the guy's got cancer, guys. Hey, there's a couple people in this world that I think we could do that for. Okay. Putin, probably.
vladmir putin be like vladmir putin he's got cancer um who else stephen hawking if he still was alive you you what he's a world the world fuck him up i'd love to fuck the world renowned astrophysicist i'm sorry the world renowned pedophile is i think what you wanted to say what what do you mean
Oh, you didn't see that article? Oh yeah, yeah. You didn't see that article? I guess I didn't. You didn't see the King Charles article. You're too busy clicking on the cancer articles. See who's got cancer. How about see who's on the island making short people do math equations on a big chalkboard? The fuck? He was making people do math equations? Yeah, yeah. That was his pedophile act? Oh yeah. He was jerking off on Epstein's Island too. To math equations? To little people doing math equations. That's what I heard.
No way. Inside Stephen Hawking's... What the... He was at the island? Of course. Of course. That's a confusing one. They rolled him onto the plane? Yeah, of course they did. Geez. Now I'm a bit confused. I'd love if he got cancer and he was still here with us. He has... God, if you're listening to me, resurrect this man. Resurrect Stephen Hawking.
I've got a little vial of juice for him. Please, Donald Trump, resurrect Stephen Hawking and then give him cancer again. Who else? Who else? Who else? Who else? You got to throw him in. Throw him into the mix. Me? Yeah, you. Why did I? I threw Putin in. Tucker, you throw him in. All right, then Tucker. Give someone cancer, Tucker. Tucker Carlson.
Tucker Carlson? You give him cancer? Why not? Your biggest rival. We're competing for space online. Yeah, he might have caught it from Putin. He just interviewed Vladimir Putin.
Okay, Tucker Carlson gets cancer, Vladimir Putin gets cancer, we resurrect Stephen Hawking, we give him cancer, we send him back to the grave. The worst kind too. Yeah. The worst kind. Yeah, who else? I don't know, Kim Jong-un, I mean, he could use some... Oh, come on. I mean, these are so, these are such layups, guys. These are such layups. Okay. Let's get a little more specific. Sure. Let's bring back Mother Teresa, give her cancer.
Shit. How about the waiter from Bar Harbor? Yeah, I can get behind that. Give him cancer. Is this like just a specific person that you met?
Or is this someone who was on the news? I'll tell you, that's the lowest rated restaurant on my list, Ted. Really? What? Oh, yeah. I had the worst experience of my life dining there. The waiter? The person making minimum wage? You're going to give them cancer? Yep. We can't show the name of the restaurant or else it'll get review bombed. But let's just say he got a nickel that night.
He got a nickel and the nickel had a little syringe in it and it was a cancer syringe. A little drop of something special in it. That'd be pretty fucked up if they, you know, in the world of espionage, you know, they've got poison, you know, you give somebody some sort of like caspium beer, like, you know, there's a bunch of neurotoxins. Imagine they had a fucking, like, somebody had a tranquilizer and you went, and like you got it in your neck and you're like, oh.
And then it's like the guy walks up to you and he like shakes your hand and he's like, congratulations, you have brain cancer. Like that would fucking suck. That would fucking blow. That would fucking suck. Yeah. Thank God that doesn't happen. Thank God it's just some like anesthesia in those things. Yeah. You could put a lot worse things in those poisonous darts. Do you think we could invent a cancer gun before we cure cancer? Oh, cancer has been cured, buddy.
That's just not true. Yes, it is. What do you mean? There's so many cancers that are like... Schlatt Sphinx segment coming up. Schlatt Sphinx segment. It's time for Schlatt Sphinx segment. Are you kidding me, Ted? You don't think that every big pharma company and all the executives who are milking the fuck out of that entire industry don't have the cure for cancer? Can the Sphinx cure cancer? That's what Tucker's looking at right now.
This has nothing to do with the Sphinx. I'm transitioning the Sphinx segment. Well, Tucker just pulled up a fucking oncology center that's called Sphinx Cure. So I think that maybe we actually have something. We actually have something here. And this is like Percy Jackson and the Olympians, but it's the Egyptian version where it's like an actual business setup for a mythology. I'm transitioning the Sphinx segment into general conspiracy theory.
Well, I mean... I don't know. I mean, the conspiracy is right here. I mean, it does say on this website that the head doctor is Dr. Bob Ra. So that's like... Bob Ra? Yeah, Bob Ra, you know? Fuck. Yeah. That's awesome. That's a great... In collaboration with Dr. Sean Anubis. Anubis? Yeah.
No, I'm just saying that there's definitely, they have a cure that they're not giving us because it's more money to treat it. You think the knowledge is in there? Oh yeah, yeah. Is in the hole? I think the knowledge is out potentially on this issue. Okay. But they don't, there's no money in curing it because then, I mean, what are you going to sell them one shot? Are you going to sell them a regiment and then it comes back and then you do it again? Yeah.
Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Okay. Okay. This is tickling me. This is tickling me. I just say stuff. You do just say stuff. You just say. I do want to know though, why is this whole Sphinx ordeal more realistic to you than just putting golf balls on a wire?
Oh, we're not talking about this again. No, no. That was a stupid fucking... I don't know. I'm... That is hydrogen bomb versus coughing baby, buddy. This is... You are a coughing baby and I am a little boy. Secondary question. Here it comes. You ready for a secondary question? Yep. Here it comes. Zombie apocalypse comes on. Comes on. No, you better not say that. You're like shitting on my ramps. You better not say it. You're shitting on my ramps. Remember the ramps?
I remember the ramps. Because I remember the ramps. And I remember when I talked about zombie apocalypse, I'm like, oh, we'll make a bunch of ramps. We'll put the zombies on the ramps. It'll solve a lot of scenarios. And then you're like, I'm going to keep one as a pet and play with it. And fuck with it. And that's not solving nearly as much. Like little Stephen Hawking. I'm going to play with him. You're going to make a zombie Epstein Island? Yeah.
If I get my hands on Stephen Hawking, if he's alive and well and I capture him somehow, I would just fuck with him all day. Stephen Hawking would be the first to go. The man is in a wheelchair. I would fuck with him all day. All day. He was speaking through fucking Twitch TTS, you know? Like, realistically, I mean, like, the zombie apocalypse is an ableist event.
Yeah, let's be talking about the zombie apocalypse. We are. I thought we were just talking about it like if I got apocalypse is an ableist event and you know, I might suffer too. I might suffer too because you know, I'm going to be walking around with my little ADHD ass and be like, oh, I gotta get supplies. Oh shit. The fucking arcade is open and there and I, and I can go in the back and just make it so I don't have to pay.
and then you get eaten yeah it's ableism that's ableism that's fucked man it sucks it sucks it sucks i hate that i hate that yeah no i hate it too but yeah no like the zombie apocalypse ableist event everyone who's anyone everyone who is according to tiktok neuro spicy we're dead spicy yeah i've been seeing that a lot on tiktok i've been seeing a lot of ads for like because i'm
Because I can't fucking focus. Because I'm neuro spicy. It's like they're trying to connect with the Gen Zers. So they're like, it'll be stuff about like focus apps or shit like that. I get advertised to because I've got fucking ADHD. And it'll say, this helped so much with my neuro spicy brain. I'm like, neuro spicy? Look at neuro spicy. Or maybe even on Urban Dictionary.
You may have come across this new neoglism that's getting popular online. Neuro spicy is a new internet term for neurodivergence. The fun and quirky phrase. I think it's so, I think it's stupid to be honest. I think it's stupid as fuck. I think it's stupid as fuck. That's this generation's doggo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
It's a flat fucking circle, dude. They make fun of millennials for saying shit like doggo and pupper. You're actually getting the nail on the head right now. Neuro spicy. Fuck you. Fuck you. There's going to be a gen... What is it? The gen alpha? Alpha. There'll be gen alphas making TikToks or whatever the next app is. And they're going to be like...
doing a little impression of a Gen Zer where they're gonna be like, oh, slay. I'm so neuro spicy right now. Neuro spicy. What's a, wait, no, is ghiat Gen Alpha? My ghiat is super neuro spicy right now. Skibity toilet. Or I guess skibity toilet's maybe a little bit Gen Alpha. That's Gen Alpha. That's Gen Alpha.
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I don't think, I don't know. I still am hearing lots of reports that they can't read.
Me too, honestly. I'm hearing a lot of reports about the illiteracy. The illiteracy problem is actually really funny because there's nothing they can do as a generation if they grow up and they're like, we have opinions. It's like, brother, you can't fucking read. You can't read a book. You can't have an opinion if you can't pick up a book and learn about it. What are you talking about? Reading one page out of Harry Potter. That's something we're facing in our family because we have a Gen Alpha.
And they do the text or the speech to talk to type. What? What? Yeah, because their parents are Gen X or whatever. They're old and they're doing like, OK, I'll be home for dinner at five. Send. Oh, so now on their iPad, they're like, search up Ted Nivison. They don't type. Wow. Which is like they're compounding the I can't read.
Yeah. Yikes. Okay. Shit. Yikes. For everything? Have you ever seen them? Everything. When you go home for the holidays, you better come with a whole fucking packet of phonics, dude. You better be showing up with it. You don't think? I get them books every possible chance, and I don't think they get read.
I'm like that adult family member you had when you were a kid. Yeah. Here's more books. You're getting them socks and books. Oh, bro, when I was a kid, I could fucking read. Yeah. I didn't have a phone either, though. My dad made me do, I don't know if it was called Type to Learn or some shit. Most boring computer game ever, but I learned how to type on a keyboard with a little QWERTY UIOP. Kids aren't even doing that shit anymore? Man, kid.
Man, kids got to learn it. Wait, I'm confused, though. So much of social media is reading, though. So much of that, like comment sections. No, it's thumbnails, dude. What do you mean? On TikTok, yeah. I mean, TikTok, it isn't. Yeah, but like shorts isn't. I feel like you can't. Newsflash, Ted, they're not reading the titles. You need to be able to read. Not the little ones. Really? You think? Okay, that's weird. That's weird. What are we? How?
We need to read, guys. We need to read. And to think, Ted, these kids in Egyptian times, in Egyptian times, they would have been building the fucking pyramids. Okay. Are you kidding me? Fuck that. No, no, no. Fuck that. You can't use Egypt as a comparison about literacy because Egyptian language is literally just a picture book.
So it's literally just from making reading the one culture reading Because that culture had kids They were harnessing sound waves to build those funny no, but you know that hierarchical, you know is pictures as a layer that
Yes. That's insane. That's insane. Why don't you just talk about Latin or something? Oh, let's talk about insane. The holes in the Sphinx.
I could keep going about this. You could, you could. I feel like it, there's a roundabout way that it lands though, where it's like, there's a hole in the Sphinx. Then it's like, what's in there? Where does it go? And then it's like, well, what do you think's in there? And then you go knowledge. And then that's, and then we kind of go back to the beginning and we keep doing that. And I don't know if we're going to, it's Spain. I don't know if the Sphinx section is going to have, I don't know if it's going to age or,
I don't think it's going to mature as a section of the podcast if it's just you saying there's knowledge in the hole in the Sphinx every time. I think most of the commenters on this episode would love another Sphinx section. I'm just saying. I think it's a fan favorite. I think it's a fan favorite. Okay, yeah. But let me make this point. Anyone who says that they want a Sphinx section in the comment section, you also are a mutton chop jerker offer.
Okay. Big, big whoop. I'm sure the recent comments on your video that said, that say, that all say in unison, Jay Schlatt made you. I don't get those comments. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. No, I don't get them. I don't get those comments. No. What the hell? You should check very soon after posting this. Oh, well, yeah. Well then you should check your comment section and, and, and where, where people are going to be saying,
They'll be saying, ready for this? And they're going to love this. They're going to love this. It's going to be perfect. You know there's nothing they can do about it. Schlag has the children locked away. That's already very similar to the comments I get.
yeah which is why it's gonna work which is why it's okay all right you're gonna be saying a lot it's gonna be and let's let's get clear on what the actual typing of it guys it's gonna be schlag has the children locked away dot dot dot and it and you capitalize schlag that's specifically what it is schlag and it's sort of like if you're wondering what it sounds like it's like schlag has the children locked away kind of like a narrator
Kind of like it's coming out of a fairy tale. Like you're like a witch living. Like you're the Hansel and Gretel witch. Somebody, artists out there, somebody make a whole picture book of Hansel and Gretel but replace Schlatt as the witch. And then make the children Tucker as a boy and a girl. Yes. So basically just a little boy Tucker and then a girl Tucker which is just Tucker with pigtails.
And a dress. Yes, and a dress. And some pretty shoes. And some pretty shoes. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Some little... Maybe a little bandana, too. All right, all right. Okay, maybe a little... Maybe a bow. Would you like a bow?
Yes. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Cool. And then the other Tucker is sort of like a little German boy version of Tucker with the suspenders and maybe he's holding like an Auntie Anne's pretzel. Wooden shoes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Cool. All right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yeah. Well, welcome everyone. We're like 20 minutes in now. Welcome everyone. Welcome everyone to the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. I mean, we got a lot to talk about today. There's a lot in the news. Sure do. Sure do. Do you hear about how Larry David fucking attacked Elmo?
What? Did you? So you actually haven't? I don't read the news. I told you this already. You sound like that apparently kid. I don't watch the news. I don't. I think that reading the news poisons your mind well. I mean, it really is just poison on the mind and soul. Well, Tucker's pulling this off. Watch this.
Watch this. Curb your enthusiasm star Larry David jokingly attacking Elmo on morning TV. But boy, has it ignited a firestorm. Elmo joke backlash? What did Elmo say that made Larry David do that? Going after Elmo on morning TV.
Oh, that was a bad punch. He totally missed that punch on Elm. Yeah, he did miss that punch. His depth perception is not at the... It's not what it used to be. What was that? Yeah, what was that swing that he was doing? He was like doing like the fucking lion's claw or something. I don't know. I don't know what... What did Elmo say that triggered this response? So, from what I've read, if you pause it here, Tucker, from what I've read,
Larry David was going on this show at the time, and he wasn't even in this section where they were interviewing Elmo. He just happened to be on set, and Larry David comes off from off camera and starts just going after Elmo for no reason. For no reason? He...
This is a quote from him. He says, I was going, oh my God, I don't think I can take another second of this. So I got off my chair, I approached him and I throttled him. How? He throttled him. He was not fucking around with Elmo. He was not a... He throttled him. He's just watching from offstage and he's like, fuck man, this is... I can't take it anymore. Yeah, no, he's probably like...
Larry David's probably the only person that could just suddenly just lose his patience with Elmo, of all people. Like, of course, Larry David's going to fucking freak out on Elmo. But yeah, no, I think that there's a lot of people out there, because I guess it was live, that are pretty upset with Larry David for attacking, you know. Attacking the puppet behind the couch. In the canon of Elmo, that is a child.
That is a child. Elmo's a child still? Elmo's a child still. How old is Elmo? He's at least in his 60s. Well... He's gotta be. He's fucking old, dude. Tucker, look it up. Look at how old is Elmo. You're not supposed to guess.
Elmo's three and a half years old? Elmo's three and a half years old. Three and a half. Tucker thinks he's fucking 60, dude. That's fucking bullshit. Elmo is not three and a half years old. Fuck this. He's birthday. He just had his birthday, too. It was February 3rd. Oh, he just had it?
Yeah. And now he's still three and a half. Three and a half. He's still three and a half. This is bullshit. This is bullshit. How many fucking actors has Elmo been through? When did Elmo get a dad? He got a dad? Elmo has a dad? Was his dad on screen? I think that was his dad on set with him. Was that his dad? Did dad bring Elmo to the... Wait.
Go back to Larry David clip, Tucker. We got to see if that's his dad. Dude, it is. That's his dad. Larry David assaulted Elmo in front of his fucking dad. What the fuck? And his dad didn't do shit. His dad didn't do shit. His dad was just... Wait, play the clip again. He was just watching. He was just watching. Yeah, look at... The dad's like, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that.
Wow. What a shit. What a deadbeat, dude. What if one of Elmo's eyes fell off or something while he's doing that live? That's something Larry David should have done. He should have gone for the tiger claw and grabbed Elmo by the eye and just started pulling.
Fuck me, man. Look at this. I see her all the time on TV, but I don't know her name, but she's got the classic Karen hair that lady would cover in her mouth right now. She is shocked. You could tell that that wasn't supposed to happen based on everyone's faces here.
Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, I know. Larry David fucking attacks Elmo. And just the sentence itself, Larry David attacks Elmo on live TV is fucking, that is fucking crazy for a title. Oh, man. Can I tell you something? A little bit of knowledge. You absolutely can. So, you know, it was Groundhog Day the other day.
And there's this big thing about Puxatawney Phil didn't see a shadow, which means spring is coming soon. Yeah.
I remember I was really invested in that result as a kid. That was like the election for me. Groundhog Day. You know what? Groundhog Day was big. Like, I couldn't tell you who the president was when I was six years old. I could tell you the Groundhog's Law of the Shadow. I knew what was going on during that period. Like, it was a big deal. Why was it such a fucking big deal? Who decided that?
Because Groundhog Day is based on lies. You want to know something? You want to know something, Ted? Really? I'm about to tell you something that will ruin Groundhog Day for you. That's okay. It's going to be hard to ruin Groundhog Day for me. Huxatawney Phil, all the groundhog, they are characters played by groundhog actors. Did you know that? Tucker, look up how long do groundhogs live.
And you're telling me, Pucks of Tony Phil, a hundred plus year tradition, you think they've been keeping this thing alive? They last for two or three years. They're switching him out every couple years. They're switching him out. I don't think that anyone...
who is involved in the Groundhog Day tradition was under the impression that Puxatawney Phil was as old as a tortoise. I was. I don't think that anyone thought that groundhogs, rodents, lived as long as tortoises. Why else would they hold him on that pedestal? Why else would he be important? He's just like all the other groundhogs, bro.
That's bullshit. I think that's bullshit. Where does this happen? Does this happen in Pennsylvania? It happens everywhere. If we're calling a groundhog Pucks of Tawny Phil and every year we take him out and see if he can see his shadow, that thing better be alive for a fucking century. Yeah. I mean, look at the way they're dressed, too. They've got the fucking...
hats on and everything this is probably the i would say that this event is probably the most pennsylvania looking event i could possibly come up with yeah yeah something about it some amish shit going down right here yeah yeah well it's not exactly almost but it's vaguely amish you know it's like there's there's sort of amish undertones perhaps remember when chris christie
Held up one of those things and dropped it and it died the next day. I remember when Chris remember when Chris Christie called Tom Brady handsome.
Wow. Tom Brady. He's handsome. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look up Chris Christie killed groundhog. He dropped a groundhog? Oh, yeah. He dropped. Wait, no. It was Bill de Blasio. It was Bill de Blasio. Sorry. I get him confused sometimes. Oh. It was totally Bill de Blasio. I would have loved for it to be Chris Christie, though. That would have been so much better. Okay. Here we go. Look. Look at those gloves. Yep. Oh. Thing jumped off, landed on the spike, and then it died the next day.
Yep. And they tried to cover it up. Did it get like a fucking hole in it? Nope. They didn't announce that it had been dead for months until a journalist did a study on him and uncovered the entire dirty truth. Whoa. They just tried switching it out for another fucking groundhog like they always do.
Groundhog Day 2024 marks 10 years since Bill de Blasio dropped Staten Island Chuck. CBS has not forgotten Staten Island Chuck. Pepperidge Farm remembers and so does CBS. Fucking A. Dude, that's crazy. Yeah, no. I don't know. But Shalette, were you involved in Groundhog Day? Here's the thing, too.
I was really involved in Groundhog Day more so than an election, more so than like how our government runs. But I think that the only, I didn't really know where to get the information about what the results were. Like it was word of mouth that I received. Oh yeah. Like it was like, you hear about it at school the next day and elementary school would be like, you'd be like, you hear, he saw a shadow. And I also never really could remember and still kind of don't.
Which, if he sees his shadow, does that mean winter stays? Or if it, like, I don't know the rules either still. If he sees his shadow, that means there's more winter. See, that's weird because you'd think that if you saw a shadow, the sun's out and that means that spring's coming.
This is a Pennsylvania tradition, so you have to keep that in mind. They're fucking stupid. Right. Yeah. Yeah, they're fucking stupid. Hold on. They don't even know how to inhabit half the...
half the state i mean the northwest portion of the state i mean no one even knows how to live they don't even know they haven't figured it out they don't have the science there's not a single road no they don't have the science for yet and also in pennsylvania i'm pretty sure every other town has ville at the end of it yeah there's so many bills in pennsylvania third point about pennsylvania and this is actually something that's probably going to piss off a lot of our pennsylvania listeners but you know if you're a pennsylvania listener take it from us leave um i think that
Chopped cheese is better than a cheesesteak. You're in great company to be saying that. Yeah. I think a chopped cheese is like, it's like the better version of a cheesesteak, you know? Yeah. Because like, it's a cheesesteak, warm, sloppy, fresh. They do it right every time. Any bodega in New York City, you can find one. It's good. They say yinz in Pennsylvania. No yangs? No. Y-I-N-Z. Uh-huh. Yinz.
That's what that's their word. What does that mean? What's the word? Is it a new word? That's like all, you all, y'all. That's what they say instead of y'all. I need to hear this in context. Can you say it in a sentence for me, please? Yin's going to the stop and shop. I think it's the way that you're pronouncing it that it doesn't sound like it's... Can we look up a video of somebody saying this shit, Tugger? Oh, he lost me there for a second.
There's a laugh track with-- -Tiger, stop this video. Stop this video. -He's stupid. I hate this. So, the Pennsylvania accent is just like sounding like an idiot? Like a fucking idiot.
Yeah, Pennsylvania, whatever, guys. Chopped cheese is better than cheesesteak. There is a good cheesesteak spot in LA, though, where it's pretty good, and I haven't taken Tucker there yet, and I feel bad about it. I've never had a cheesesteak, and I was like, damn, that was awesome. It's always like, eh, that could have been better.
Every time. Yeah. But I've never, I've never had a chopped cheese and not, and not been like, Oh, pretty damn good. Yeah. Yeah. You have a chopped cheese and it's like the only problem you can run into with a chopped cheese is just like when they give it to you, it's like the amount of tinfoil that you have is not enough to, to kind of like,
to control the backsplash of eating a chopped cheese. It's always an issue with the fucking wrapping. Like there's got to be a better way to wrap sandwiches in this current year. Yeah, there's got to be. There really does. There's got to be. Really. Yeah. And there's never, I don't think there's ever been enough napkins for me to contain the storm of a chopped cheese. But yeah, no, I love that shit.
Anyways, what else is fucking going on, man? Fuck Elmo. Elmo is probably saying some Democrat shit. Larry David, the bestest fuck. Rough him up. Give him a little noogie next time. Give him a little noogie next time. Yeah, but basically in the news lately, one of the big things that have come out, Schlant, that you might know about is the Apple Vision. Apple Vision's out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going to get one? You think you're going to pick one up? No, I don't think so.
Because, um... You don't even know. You don't even know why. I don't need one, I don't think. I don't think I need one. Yeah. People can't even watch VR porn on it. I was seeing people on Twitter upset because the VR porn plays in a window.
Oh, really? Like it doesn't play as a game? Yeah, because you have to open up a Pornhub window, right? And so you're in Safari. And so it's just a box and you can look around, but the porn stays right there. Right. Even if it's in VR. So the VR video stuff doesn't work? It doesn't turn it into VR video? It's not properly integrated yet. And, you know, it's probably going to be a while before Apple lets you, let's...
apps like that onto the app store yeah so i don't think yeah who knows that's the whole thing with you know you got to get those black market vrs if you want to see some crazy i don't know vr exactly yeah that's why facebook stock went up 20 on one day because everyone realized fuck you can watch vr porn on the quest is that true are you are you in one day it went up the day that the apple vision came out look up meta meta stock look at this seems like oh boom
Boom. Apple vision comes out. People like can only watch porn on quest three, baby. You think that this is entirely related to porn? Yeah. You think that this is entirely related to porn? This entire, this, this jump in stock. Yeah. Also they started paying dividends to their shareholders. So that's probably a big part of it as well. Okay. Interesting.
And their earnings were high over what they were expecting. But I think it's the porn thing. I think it's mostly the porn thing. I think you're right. It's probably the porn thing too, yeah. Probably the porn thing. Yeah, but the Apple Vision's out. What's unique about it, for those of you who haven't looked into it, I guess, it's like a VR headset, but it's got a bunch of cameras on the front and in the back where it's looking at your eyes, but it's also looking at the room around you. So you can see in the room.
You know, you can start, it's kind of like, it's kind of like the, like a, like a, like a, like a roundabout way to kind of do that whole hologram future that we've all been dreaming of, you know, where holograms pop up and stuff.
So I've seen a lot of reviews on it and stuff. I saw MKBHD's multiple videos on it, Casey Neistat, all that shit. Because I am interested in it. It's a big product, obviously. I don't think I'm going to wind up getting one for a while. Apple doesn't really release things unless they're like, we're doing this. They're very specific about their product line.
So as far as I know, pretty much every VR headset has that feature where it's got cameras on the front and on the inside, it basically shows you the cameras in as real time as it can. So you can look around and, and like see what's around you while still being the vision fully, like fully, uh,
concealed but a lot of the time those headsets focus more on gaming and stuff where your vision is fully covered up yeah whereas the the vision pro is more so you you're kind of meant to stay in that environment where where the cameras are on because they're trying they they want it to be more of an augmented reality instead of virtual reality right they want you to get used to
Just having things overlaid instead of being fully in this environment where you can't, you know, tune out of it. Yeah. So I think that maybe the next step, like this kind of feels like the beginning of what, you know, when we get better at making things smaller and smaller, it'll become eventually someday like a contacts. Oh yeah. I think it could be. There's already, you know, screen, uh,
screens in context there's there's companies that are working at it yeah uh i don't know how good the product is it would be hard to fit a bunch of computers and stuff in there though where you can like track the hands and stuff like that but i guess we're it would be a long way away from that yeah but it would but that would be so cool how long you think until we got contacts like vr contacts i don't know i don't know give it let's hold on think about it this way remember google glass i do
That was so unbelievably ahead of its time. Looking back, that was over a decade ago. Yeah. They still do. They still sell those anymore. Is that King Charles with Google Glass on? Wait a second. You have cancer in the top right. I was thinking more like I was thinking more like maybe that's what gave him cancer. Maybe. Maybe they have use in in like industrial like contexts like say you're
Doing some kind of sorting work with boxes or shit like that. Oh, that's where I think they're yeah, cuz HoloLens is another Microsoft thing that has this similar thing It's just like glasses with the screen. Oh, that one looks really fucking dumb. Oh
Interesting. So this is like meant to kind of be like that's meant to also be kind of like the Google or what Apple's doing here. Yeah. So Apple's trying to kind of hit VR and also like all the functionality of what these HoloLenses and stuff are doing at the same time. Well, no, I think they want to just do AR.
I just don't think the tech is there yet. They're not selling the headset with fully immerse yourself in 360 degree game. Well, yeah, they're not actually even calling it a VR headset either. They don't have the technology yet to have something as compact as Google Glass that doesn't fully obstruct your vision. They needed to put the screen in front because that's where the tech is right now.
And they made it as good as possible at pretending that there isn't something on your head and that you're just wearing a pair of glasses that has the windows on it. That's what they're gunning for. And I think in a decade's time, maybe they will get it down to just a pair of glasses. That's obviously the goal. I bet part of the reason why maybe...
Meta got a little boost is because, you know, they turned into Meta and everyone was like, he's fucking dumbass. And then, you know, fucking Apple, you know, the world's first trillion dollar company that realistically has done a really, has a really good track record of, you know, being ahead of the times.
maybe that made people swing over and be like, maybe Meta is doing a good thing here with their VR thing or whatever. But I don't know. One thing that people have started doing, um, is you've got the Tesla bros, uh,
and the fucking, you know, those future-coded, you know... The bug men. The bug men running around. The future-coded fucking Elon Musk gooners out there. And there's this one video of a guy on Twitter where he's driving. He's using the self-driving. I don't know if you've seen this, Schlatt. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, he's, like, typing on his phone, and the car is driving him somewhere. So he's...
He's like, and then he gets pulled over by the cops. I wonder why. Because he's got a whole fucking face mask on over his eyes. Yeah, so that's got to be one of the stupidest things that someone could do. It's been out for what? It's been out for a week, maybe? Two weeks. Yeah, two weeks, like...
Yeah. And then the videos of people walking around and like they've got like cyberpunk outfits on. They're walking around the streets in New York City just like. Yeah. Like obviously not using the thing, just like doing charades as if they're fucking walking. And like, it's just so stupid. Yeah. It's like, what do you even get done while you're walking? Nothing. Nothing. You fucking do nothing. No. Yeah. There's definitely gonna be people watching porn.
I feel like people who get shit done aren't wearing this. Yeah. Yeah, it would be kind of distracting. I mean, the one thing I can see it being good for is maybe having multiple... Imagine connecting it to your computer and having a bunch of monitor setups all at once that you can look around. Yeah, that's cool. That'd be kind of cool. That's cool. If you have a MacBook, it actually does work like that where it'll just sync up to the MacBook and the laptop screen turns off.
and you see it as big as you want to in the headset,
And the trackpad controls, like you have a cursor on your screen now with the trackpad on the laptop. Wait, so you can also control, can you like make it like, let's say you've got a 13 inch screen MacBook or something, you could make it big enough. So like if I was using, I was using Premiere or something. It could be as big, it could cover your whole vision if you want to. That's the one genuine. But it's not like just a scaling thing. It's like you have more actual, more room to like, like for instance, if you're using Premiere or something, you'd have more room to like have the timeline and the fucking.
shit like that yeah i think so i mean it is just a bigger monitor i don't know how the scaling works but yeah i could i'd like that but then you have to wear that fucking thing on your head yeah but i mean you know i mean i'll tell you one thing that i got i got recently i was telling you about this before but i was using it the other day it's that uh attachment where it's the two monitors that you could attach onto a laptop and you have two extra monitors
I didn't hear about this. Really? It's not like new technology. Yeah, look up the Xebec with the Z. Xebec? With the X, sorry, Xebec. X-E-B-E-C. X-E-B-E-C? Tri-screen thing, yeah. Yeah, this is what I've been using lately. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? What do you have on those things?
What? What do you mean? What do you put on them? You know how like when you're on a laptop, it's good to have, like you don't already have, you already kind of don't have as much room on the screen as you would on your normal computer in your home setup, right? Yeah. So like if I'm writing something and I'm referencing something on my, I can just put something up on the other monitor and then have something, like it's just nice to have that instead of like switching around tabs and all that. Okay. I'm going to say something, Ted.
If you're buying the Xsepic TriScreen 2 to multitask better on your laptop, you should probably just buy the headset. You probably should. Because that's going to be the best implementation. My dad got me this for my birthday. This was my birthday present for my parents. Oh, it's okay. Yeah. No, no. My parents got me this for my birthday. Use it. Use it. I'm good. I will. It's 3.8 stars.
At 71 ratings. Why are you trying to make me feel bad about this, Slant? I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I feel like you are. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I think that I was just talking to Talon Tucker about this and Tucker was like, this is awesome. And he's dead silent right now as I'm getting lambasted. Well, Slant's kind of changing my mind. Why? Just buy the headset. You're going to get an Apple. Just buy the headset. The headset thing is like six times as expensive. How much money did you make this month?
I'm not going to talk about that on the podcast. You have to do it. You have to. You have to. You have to say. Tucker, why'd you say that like you were a fucking kindergartner, dude?
You have to say it. You're like the little brother off to the left. You're like, you have to do it. You have to do it. Mom said you had to do it. Now you have to do it because she said so. Yeah, that's basically the dynamic right now. I think you should get it. I think you should get it. You should. You should get it too. Why don't you get it? I shouldn't get it because I have...
Bro, I got a square monitor recently. Okay. What does that have to do with anything? Because you're talking about multitasking. I'm trying to tell you how to multitask on your laptop. What is a square monitor? I don't use desktop computers. I got a square monitor. I don't need to plug into the Apple Vision. What if you're on the road and you need to work, though? If I'm on the road, I'm not trying to work. I'm trying to put on my Quest 3 and jerk off to fucking...
Tucker, don't look at me right now.
I don't know who this is. But yeah, one thing that's goofy about the vision though, I'll tell you one thing and I'll tell it. The fucking FaceTime thing looks weird as shit. It looks like dystopian. It looks like... Yeah, I have no interest in that whatsoever. FaceTime looks fun. Parker, have you seen the app, the fucking... I haven't seen the FaceTime. Bro, anytime I'm on FaceTime anyways, I'm already holding the phone slightly up, said only my forehead is visible. Why the fuck would I want...
A full face, a full shitty face instead. This is what it looks like. It's got a camera on the person's eyes. So it can do, it makes like a recreation of your face. So he's wearing the fucking thing. This is like what Meta did where you got to be like an avatar. No, but this is like FaceTime. Like this is what it would look like whenever someone, if I were to like, if I were to, you don't have an iPhone, but I know that Emma does. If I were to FaceTime Emma.
Don't be FaceTiming my wife. But if I were to, and I had the Vision Pro thing, she would see me as like a ghost. Like I would look like a phantom. Like sort of like myself. Like you can't fully recreate like the hair and stuff. It looks weird. Looks bad. Yeah. The tech isn't there yet. It's not there yet. Is he like vaping in here too? Yeah, what is that? What is he doing?
She just blew a fucking sick cloud. No, it looks like he's getting invaded by a fucking spirit. The ghost of Steve Jobs. Yeah, the ghost of Steve. I wonder what Steve Jobs would think of this. Yeah, I don't think he, I think he's dead. Well, what if we, would you bring him back and give him cancer? Dude, he died of cancer. That's how he died. He already got that. Well, I don't know. That'd kind of be kicking him when he's down, you know. Pancreatic. Pancreatic.
I did not know this. Would you bring him back to give him brain cancer? No, probably not. Guys, why are you guys getting offended about this? We were just talking about giving a bunch of people cancer. You talked about giving a fucking random waiter at a restaurant cancer and now you're getting mad about Steve Jobs? Fucked up, bro. American visionary, okay? American visionary. Well, dude, whatever, man. Okay. Took it too far, dude. Actually, I didn't... Apologize. Apologize. I'm sorry, Steve Jobs ghost.
I'm sorry, Steve Jobs, for talking about potentially bringing you back from the dead and giving you a different type of cancer than the one you had. It's fucked. I don't even know if I want to do this podcast anymore. That's your last straw? That's where you choose to draw the line? He invented iPhone. You don't even really use Apple products that much. Except for your money tree phone scenario. Breakthrough internet communicator. What is happening? What is happening to you right now? What is going on?
Sometimes I'll just go back and I'll watch those keynotes. And then the slide comes up and it says, one more thing, and I go... Do you think that Steve Jobs knew what was in the Sphinx? No, I don't think he did. Ted, I want to see a video of you walking down the strip just like...
Yeah. All those fucking idiots. Have you seen those videos, dude? I have. I've seen them. I can't tell if they're like, I'm wondering to what degree are they like staged videos though? You know? So staged. They're all so fake. No one is using those. No one is using them. They do remind me of that one manifestation TikTok though. Manifestation.
You know? You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't know what that means. The guy discovering manifestation, yeah. Wait, what? Okay, so this is like a hustler's university. Let's see what Andrew Tate has to say. If you're not currently rich, the more control they have over your life, the less likely is you're ever going to achieve that. A percentage of you are going to live the best life you've ever lived in 2024. I was able to make 500K, and on top of that, I can travel whenever I want to, and I have to. Wait, this is like...
Yeah, well the beginning though would go back and stop scrolling you're a fucking nutcase on this fucking computer This is just typing people up I'm so confused
You move around so fast with the computer stuff, I'm trying to react. I'm looking for what you're going to want. We need Tucker in a Vision Pro. Dude, just totally dialed in. Dude. Yeah, dude. Tucker, pull that up. Okay. You could be like that little guy in the cave in Kim Possible for us, you know? Yeah. I'll be Kim Possible. Schlatt, you can be the naked mole rat.
Fuck yeah. This guy or this guy? Yeah, that guy, dude. That's you, dude. That guy. Yeah, man. And then like every 10 minutes we'll see Tucker just like, Tucker, stop watching porn on the Vision Pro. Tucker. Like he forgets that he's on the podcast or something. I probably wouldn't that thing. Yeah, I think I'd really like to see. Imagine being too high and getting trapped and wearing one of those. How would you get trapped? Yeah.
What do you mean trapped? You don't know it's on. Trapped? Yeah. Yeah. I guess maybe we've had different experiences. I'm being attacked by notifications. It's not like a full video. You eat the whole bar of Nerds Rope. Eat the whole bar of Nerds Rope. And then you've got the headset on. All of a sudden, you're just like...
Whoa, dude. I can see Spotify. It's right there, dude. It's right there. Dude, when I got so high, I met Mr. Spotify. I met him. I met him. He's actually a creature. Yeah. Yeah, creatures. Creatures. I could see myself getting really high and then trying to look around and it will follow your vision and I'm like,
I can't escape it. And like, you're trying to like look away, but it won't because it's tracking your eyeballs. It's tracking it, tracking it.
Yeah, no, that's pretty good. I like that. I like that a lot. They should put a baby in one of those from birth. They should totally put a baby in one of those. Tucker, you should put your relative in one of those and start forcing them to learn how to read. Just plug it into a wall. This would be like a times five multiplier for increasing the problem. It's an upgrade to the reading problem. Yeah, it definitely has Siri in it. There's no way it doesn't have Siri in it.
As soon as you go to take it off, she goes, wait, where are you going? You'll die. She'd be like, I need it. No. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Here's a little iPad kid. They're so not using it. What could he even be doing with that? Nothing. He's telling me on Twitch to play Fortnite. Steps out of the Tesla. He doesn't even know where he's walking. He dodges the curb, though.
Because all he sees is the camera feed. These people fucking fake it. I think Casey was actually using it because he doesn't look like a fucking... He's not waving his arms around. He's about to go to a construction site. Oh, God! This is partly because most of the time you're seeing Casey Neistat with sunglasses on. I think that's why you were reacting that way. You don't see his eyes that often. He's got beautiful, beautiful, beautiful eyes.
They're shocking. So he... Okay. What sucks about this a little bit, though, is it's got like two hours of battery life, even with the battery attached to it. It's like you gotta have to wire with it and stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
You need a battery bank for the battery bank. Yeah. It's also made of glass and metal, things heavy to wear. He just walked past his tabs that he opened. Are those tabs going to remain? Yeah. I think so. Imagine you forget a tab behind you. He's like, oh, shit. I got to walk all the way back down there. You just walked past a porn window from 10 years ago? What the fuck? What was I doing here? What was I into, bro? Dude, my whole... I can't...
Shit, the Proctor test I was doing is four blocks that way. I gotta go find it. Imagine if other people could interact with your tabs too. You walk along, someone else with a Vision Pro steals one of your tabs and starts running away. You gotta chase him down. Man, that's fucking hilarious. So there's a little bit of VR shit here with the fucking 94. It's AR, Ted. AR. I guess I'll go fucking kill myself, Tucker. Thank you for that. Yeah, fucking kill yourself. I guess I'm gonna go fucking kill myself.
Is that what you want? I guess. I don't know. Then we'll bring you back and then do it to you all over again. Give you cancer on the second time around? Sure. Then we'll have Trump resurrect you. So who are you guys voting for?
