TikTok's Angriest Man Returns ft. Joe Bartolozzi 01:51:10

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Well, we're fucking here. We're here. Joe, Joe, Joe. Little Joe. Some people call you Little Joe. You hear about that?

Oh, yeah. Who calls me Little Joe? Dude, everyone's been talking about it. Yeah, everybody. Everyone's been saying. Yeah, Little Joe. Little Joe's at it again. Yeah. When are you getting Little Joe back on the podcast? That's actually exactly what people have been in our comments. People have been screaming that in the comments. They've been saying, we got to get that little sweet Joe back on the pod. Yeah. We really loved him. We really loved how much he yelled. We loved how angry he was. Yeah. Some say the best guest. Yeah.

You know, I mean... You certainly made us a lot of money last night. I'll say that much.

We were considering having you back on the pod, and we were kind of trying to figure out, you know... I feel like we used up a lot of your anger last time. Yeah. I'm pretty mellowed out this time. So we were figuring out, how do we charge you back up like a Duracell battery? How do we get you charged back up to ready to put you back out in the world and reset you for the new year? Because it's coming. Yeah. You know, Joe...

We decided we're going to, we sent our chair about, and we're going to be looking at some assholes today. And we thought, who else could talk about assholes on a podcast with two assholes than bringing, you know, TikTok's biggest asshole on the podcast? So today, Joe, we're doing a little bit of a combo guest episode, and you're going to be joining us here. Yeah. To be doing a little bit of, am I the asshole? Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm ready. Fuck yeah. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

Alright, how are we reviewing this? I'm just going to be giving my take on whether or not I think somebody's the asshole. I suppose it just depends on what your personal, you know, this really just, we're depending on you being a virtuous person, I think. Yeah. A virtuous person, so you want my take here. I'm taking a moral theory class. Oh.

Wait, this is perfect because you're a philosophy major. Philosophy major, yeah. Reading Nietzsche, John Dewey, yeah. Goodness, Ted, this is awesome. Yeah.

I think this is honestly more perfect than we thought it was going to be. We just thought you were going to fucking... Well, we just thought you were going to yell like you do on your little TikTok channel. Your little TikTok. My little TikTok channel. Your little TikTok page. My little TikTok page. Yeah, your little... How many millions of followers on that little thing? 20 million? 20 million?

something i don't know 20 million 20 well tiktok tiktok it's different i feel like a lot of inactive followers number one rubles over there yeah yeah russian ruble russian ruble for one follower versus u.s dollar youtube subscriber yeah well that's a lot yeah that's still a lot give

Gives you some authority about what we're going to talk about today. On whether or not somebody's an asshole? Yeah. I feel like that has nothing to do with morals, though. Bigger number, better person, Joe. Do you feel like you have solid morals? Now, yeah. How would you answer the trolley question? Oh, the trolley question on whether or not I would pull it?

The trolley question varies depending on whether or not... Oh shit, I forgot I just asked a trolley question to the f- I forgot almost immediately you're a philosophy major and I was like, "Damn, he's definitely had this conversation like 70 times. Fuck." The trolley question really varies because it's like, if it's one versus five people and it's going towards five, I'm gonna pull it and save one, right?

But if that one person is somebody I know... Wait, wait, wait, wait. That changes it. Wait, wait. The trolley question says that if there's a train going towards... You just said if it's going towards five, you'd pull it and save one? I know. I'd pull it and it'd kill one and I'd save four. Oh, okay. That's what I meant. I was about to say. Profit, profit, save four. That's more utilitarianism. Anyways, it varies. If it's just I don't know any of them, yeah, I'm pulling the lever. But if it's five people versus like my mother...

Yeah, it's tough. I don't know about that. I mean, at the end of the day. I had a slow reaction time on that one. I was a little tired that day. How about this? Your mother and then five of your greatest fans. Five of my greatest fans? Yeah, your greatest. Your top gifters on Twitch. Oh, top gifters.

I'm still not pulling the lever. Damn, you hear that? It's your mother. You guys watching out here, Joe doesn't give a shit about you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's flip this. That's the person that's the reason I exist. I can't hurt them. Yeah. Whichever one you chose, I was just going to flip it the other way and just be like, oh, so you hate your mom. So you hate your mom. Yeah.

But we sent Tucker out. Also, welcome again to the Chocolate Sandwich Podcast. We got Joe Bartolozzi on, the shining boy from New Jersey with a big-ass fucking lava lamp in the background. Audio listeners love you to death. $200 lava lamp. $200? You didn't even flex on us. It takes hours. You didn't even tell us how much money you're making. It's been on. Been on. Been on? The whole time? Jesus Christ. Yeah, you see how it's just frozen? Dude, it's frozen.

It takes forever to start, you know, lava lamping. This dude's such an asshole that he doesn't even fucking stand his cans up upright in his fridge. He's just like, yeah, let me lay him down sideways. Let me lay these fucking things down sideways. Oh. Yeah, I feel dumb now. Audio listeners, love you to death. They're tall boys. Yeah, I feel dumb now.

Yeah, shit. Paul boys. Can't stand them. I'll just shut up. I'll just shut up. Yeah, you didn't think... Oh, you thought I was just doing that to be extra. You didn't even introduce me to the podcast. You weren't even like, we're here real schlatt, too. I didn't introduce you as being a... When have we ever done that? When have we ever been like, and also schlatt is here. He is present. He is present.

Are you just drinking hard liquor right now? No. Well, I'll tell you what he's specifically doing. He's downing fucking peppermint schnapps right now. Jesus. How many bottles of that do you have in the bag? Okay. You in a festive mood? He clearly is. Clearly he is. He is downing schnapps right now.

Wow. Well, it's so. Can we do the asshole shit? What are you talking? We all stopped because you started singing to yourself and then you're like trying to move it along. What are you talking about? Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, man. Okay. Well, we sent Tucker off and you guys know the drill. We sent Tucker off into the bowels of the internet, the inner layers, and we had him looking for some assholes and he's got a whole selection. How many assholes do you have for us, Tucker?

Um, like around 10, I think. 10 assholes. Have you ever seen that many assholes lined up next to each other in your life, Joe? Um, what type of asshole? Wow. Wow. You know, this is a family podcast. This is a PG podcast, Joe, and you're coming in here talking about bear assholes. He was just full whipping peppermint schnapps.

I was going to say, I've seen more assholes on the r slash femboys subreddit. That's just water, man. Oh, my God. That's just water. And his cup is and the cup that he's drank. Jesus Christ. And the cup of caffeine and alcohol. It cannot be a good combination. But the way that he's drinking so little of it, I don't think that it's water.

Oh, you know, he's just slow. He's nursing. He's just a slow drinker. But we're just going to jump into it, Joe. You're a philosophy major. You're the guy. You're going to have to give us some help here because if you can't tell, the general stance on this podcast is generally pretty morally gray. We're breaking even over here. The in-betweens. Yeah, yeah. What was the first asshole that you have here? You ready? Yeah.

I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. Okay. Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. Here's the title. Am I the asshole for correcting someone at dinner? Okay. Here's the story. I went on a double date with my sister, Jamie 24 and her new boyfriend, Paul 25 ish. We went to an Italian place. Paul goes on about how the word, the word for red in Italian is marinara and the word for white is Alfredo. So that's how he remembered this. That's how he remembers the sauces names.

I told Paul I took Italian in high school and it's Rosso and Bianco. He even says so on the wine menu. Paul started yelling at me and calling me wrong. Those are the names for wines, not colors. My husband showed him on Google the translation for red and white. Paul told my sister he was leaving and called us stupid assholes and how wrong we were.

Paul and my sister left without paying their bill or even getting some food. Wow. When we asked the server, he said the drinks are no problem and not to worry about it. My sister texted me later and said, why do I think I always have to be right? And I embarrassed Paul. And it was an, it was immature of my husband. She said we didn't have to argue with him over something so silly. She called my husband and I bullied him.

She told me that I don't have to say to people when they are wrong and embarrass them in public like that. Am I the asshole? Dude, no, dude. I would say no. I mean, like, just is there a need to correct them about the red and white? No. But if I was them, I would say I would correct them. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's a normal conversation. Yeah. Yeah. It's not actually that's actually, you know.

You're just dead wrong on that one. Yeah, I suppose it depends on how they introduced it. How they said it. Yeah. If they were like...

Well, you stupid little fucker. It's actually, you're dead wrong. And here's the actual names of it. I took Italian in college. Like if they came at it from the fucking like, well, actually I took, I freaking took Italian in college and you're freaking wrong. Like, I feel like that would be, that would make them the initial asshole. But the reaction the guy had to, uh,

effectively lose a shit leave not pay the bill yeah and then call everybody stupid after he was corrected on google

that's a that's a rough argument i don't know if y'all have ever had an argument with somebody where you're like i'm dead right then they google it and you're wrong yeah and then you try to backstab you're like why are we even arguing right now you know it doesn't even matter why what's the point yeah shifting shifting to the to the wall why are we even fucking talking about this why are we even here right now you know like what's the meaning it's all so silly why can't we just say everyone wins yeah why can't we just like hold hands sing kumbaya you know like it's

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who's right. Yeah. I would say they're not the asshole for saying that. Sometimes, guys, I think it's better. And this might be a crazy thing to say. But with this whole red, white, Italian bullshit. Yeah. I think that it's better sometimes if we let people live in their mystical fucking fairy land. You know? I mean, am I wrong? I mean...

People have wrong opinions all the time. It's not an opinion, right? They're just wrong. Well, it's a worldview, right? They're stating... No, because they're stating... It's a worldview. No, they're stating a fact that Alfredo means white in Italian. I feel like this is akin to putting a... You got to put them out of their misery before it gets too far. If this guy goes to Italy and he starts pulling that out and he's like...

Somebody asks him what color something is and it's red and he says it's marinara. He's going to get killed. You understand how the Italians act over there? They're fucking vicious, man. They will kill you.

They kill him because he's an American, not because... I mean, they hate us. Well, I don't think him calling Red Marinara would do him any justice. It's not going to help him out. Listen, I think we let people live with their little allegory of the cave. How about that? You know, we show them the smoke signals, right?

I know the allegory of the cave. You've been learning about that Plato shit back in college? It's just a different scenario. It's not a philosophy on life or a political opinion. That's their worldview, right? It's not a worldview. And his worldview is marinara. It's a disagreement of definitions. We can let people live in their little fantasy land. We have all.

50% of them in this country live in Iran. But then at that point, I could just walk around and start saying false definitions of any term and you could just be like, well, you know, that's what he wants to do. Yeah, it is pretty bold to say that marinara is a worldview. I don't know if marinara is... Marinara being the word red is not a worldview. Let's make a whole religion about this. Why don't we? Yeah, you're just wrong. Listen.

I've winged and for tons of my dudes. Yeah. What does that mean? Okay. Shut up, man. Let me finish. Okay. Goddamn thought. Okay. Okay. You know, you're at a bar and your dude's like, Hey, I'm trying to, I'm trying to, you know, get something going. And you're like, okay, I got you. I got you. All of a sudden, you know, you're, you're helping this person get fucking late. Yeah.

What does this have to do with marinara and red? It sounds like this guy, whatever his dude that he's wingman and has gone up to someone. And said the red marinara thing. You know that marinara is red in Italian. Look, my point is that when you're on a date with someone, your job is to hype them up, is to make them look good in front of people. But she's not a wingman. Even if you're on the opposite side of the table, Joe.

I mean, why are we putting people down? Putting people down, but what's something you hold dear to your heart? Probably my cats. What if you were at a restaurant and somebody just started rambling about your cat, right? Yeah. And they were just wrong. Would you tell them? People say wrong things about me all the time on the internet. But that's not a definition. Yeah.

It's like people are giving a take about you that's incorrect versus saying like that's like it's it's like saying like a school bus isn't yellow. But how do we know? You know what? No, I'm not even getting. It's like saying. Who do you think? I'm like if I'm like sitting there and I'm having a conversation at dinner and I'm like.

Uh, you know, Tesla's run on gas. Are you going to correct me? How do you think they power the fucking chargers, Joe? Not gas. It all comes back to fucking bullshit, dude. It's turtles all the way down. See, but that's a take. Turtles? That's it. It's turtles. Yeah. They're powering this shit on turtles? Ask Joe to tell you about the fucking turtles. Joe, what do you know about the turtles?

I don't know definitively what Schlatt's talking about turtles, but I do know of a theory that states that the earth is flat and it sits on the back of a turtle. I don't know who's sitting on the back of another turtle of another turtles, turtles all the way down, all the way down. Yeah, that's a case in point. You are the asshole. Next fucking one. Okay. All right.

Do you want the top comment first? No. Yeah, let's hear the top comment. We usually do the top comment. Okay, top comment is, not the asshole. Your sister should be taking Paul's reaction as a huge marinara flag. Fuck this bullshit. That's a good pun. Wow. Did you ever, are you the guy from this post? No, man. No. No.

It feels like he is. It feels like he recently, like, we look at Schlatt real close. We zoom in on his mouth. He's got some marinara coming out on one side, some alfredo coming out the other. No, man, no.

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Go to your happy price, Priceline. All right. Well, let's do the next one. Okay, next one's title is, Am I the Asshole for Inviting My Husband's Potential Daughter and Her Mother to Our Daughter's Birthday Party? Here's the story. My husband made... Can I get that one more time? Can you repeat that title? Can I get that one more time? Potential Daughter? Can I get my brother's sister's mother's brother's sister...

killed my brother's sister's mother's dad here's the title here's the title am i the asshole for inviting my husband's potential daughter and her mother to our daughter's birthday party fuck that's a that's a mouthful i think they mean just their husband's daughter and mother but potential potential meaning if they're not married yet they would end up becoming the mother-in-law

It will become more clear. Yeah. Okay. Here's the story. My husband may or may not have a daughter with a woman, Charlotte, he slept with while we were separated. Dude, I like how she started with may or may not. Things are still gray, even as they're talking about it. They need to go on Maury.

He's never taken a paternity test, doesn't acknowledge her, and has never tried to meet her, but Charlotte insists he's the only possible father. We had a birthday party for our daughter last weekend, and I decided to invite Charlotte and her daughter. The reason I did is because if she is my husband's child, I would like my children to know they're sibling. I never told my husband I was going to, as I knew he would make sure they didn't come.

My husband's family saw Charlotte first and assumed she was crashing the party and tried to get rid of her before we saw her. None of them believed her when she told them I had invited them. They were all upset when I confirmed I had and that I wanted Charlotte and her daughter to stay. I've never seen my husband so angry, and I've never found him scary until he saw Charlotte."

I'm going to say yes for the sole reason that it's not her party. Why is she choosing who gets invited? If it was her party, she can choose...

Whether or not she thinks they should be invited. Which party is this? The daughter. The confirmed daughter of the mother and the husband. Confirmed daughter. Yeah, the confirmed daughter, not the questionable...

whether or not they're related, but likely so. Yeah. Right? And also, if she shows up and people immediately think that she's probably crashing, what does that say about... I feel like there's some missing information here on, like, their people's opinions. How they act. Yeah. Yeah. If they're, like...

showing up and everyone's like, oh, here we go. People just assume that about someone from the get-go. It sounds like there's some other drama. They've met them or they know about them. It's not just like, oh, we're showing up. I feel like maybe it's a little bit of an asshole thing here. It seems like there's some deeper shit here that was not considered. The husband's a bit of an asshole for not getting the paternity test and all that stuff.

But I would say that just off face value, you invited somebody to someone else's birthday party. Like, regardless of you being the mother, like, that'd be like Schlatt having a birthday party, inviting me, and I just bring somebody that I think is his half-brother. Yeah, I don't have a half-brother. You don't know. I mean, you don't know. Well, that's true. I mean, what if I just bring somebody that's like, hey, this is your half-brother? That'd be crazy. This may or may not be.

This person isn't. Here's your half brother. Maybe they're in flux. I just imagine sitting the daughter down and being like, hey, listen, your dad may or may not have another one of you.

And would you like them? Would you like to meet them on your birthday? Yeah. In front of all of your friends and make it really awkward? That's such a fucking weird scenario. I would not want to be put in that scenario. I wouldn't want to meet them right there and then. I feel like that's a terrible place to meet somebody that might be your sibling. Oh, yeah. Had they not met before? No. I think that's... Am I wrong in saying that's what they were saying? Is like they wanted them to meet?

I think you're right. Oh, that's a weird time to meet, man. First time to meet someone. Happy birthday. I also have a birthday due to our dad, maybe. No, I don't think she's the asshole. Wow. What's the quarter of a- It's a fucking kid. Who the fuck cares? I'm not going to remember it anyways. Wait. Hold on. You don't know if they're like 5, 15, 20. Shut up, Joe. Holy fuck, man. What?

I feel like you were agreeing with us and then out of nowhere you're like, yeah, no, I don't think she's the asshole. What if your kid's like, I only want to eat pizza the rest of my life. You're going to let it do that? That is so, like your analogies are 0 for 2 right now. That was a pretty crazy analogy. Hey, if I go 1 for 3, I'm still in the Hall of Fame. There you go. Yeah, no, I'd say she's the asshole on that one.

What does the court of public opinion say, Tucker? Top comment is, I pulled the pin on a live grenade and threw it into the middle of a family gathering. Am I the asshole? Well, in that scenario, yeah, of course he's the asshole. You can't do that with a grenade. Those are bombs that you can throw. You're going to kill people. Is that the third one? Yeah, no, that's the third one. Tucker just read the third one. I agree with the guys on this one.

Yeah. No, but so that's like the top comment where someone was like. Just being sarcastic. Yeah. Because they're obviously the asshole. Well, do you want to talk about this with me, Tucker? What? Sorry, man. We'll go to the next one. We'll go to the next one. I'm trying not to get obscenely angry today. Are you saying that Tucker is your half brother? No. If I would, I would love him.

But it may or may not be the case. I'd love Tucker if he was my half-brother. The possibility of love from Schlatt is good enough for me. That's a Christmas miracle. You'd be an heir to a magnificent fortune. Wait, by being his half-brother? Well, you guys... Yeah. Tucker's older than you. But if we had the same dad...

Yeah, Schlatt will die first because of all that. Because all the schnapps. It's going to be on his obituary too. He died of a peppermint schnapps overdose. Not even an alcohol overdose. A peppermint schnapps overdose. I'm going to go on a little joyride in my 91 Miata later. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Big on the streets. Fuck yeah. So yeah, it seems like pretty clearly across the board, asshole. And then Schlatt dies from peppermint schnapps overdose.

But you wouldn't be an asshole for doing that. You're just living your truth, you know? Yeah, yeah. If that's what I want to do, I should be able to do it. Yeah, you should. That's why we live in this country. Joe, you got a problem with peppermint schnapps? You seem like you're kind of making a face here. Oh, no, if Schlatt wants to drink peppermint schnapps, drive the wrong way down a one-way going 85, you know, that's his decision. Yeah. A little stick shift. Oh. Man, it seems like he may have gone a little too far too fast. Anyways. Yeah.

Tucker, you want to read the next one? Sure. The next one. Here we go. Title. Am I the asshole for telling my daughter that the special needs consideration for exams are unnecessary? Yeah. Is that it? No, no. Here's the story. But I'm already answering. Yeah.

I'm feeling no on this one. I'm feeling no. Here we go. My 15-year-old daughter has mild ASD, which is what you would call Asperger's back then, and suspected ADHD. She asked me why I didn't tell the school about it, and I bluntly told her that it is unnecessary to do so as she can pass off as normal, and I don't want her to get labeled when she doesn't need to.

Wow.

She said that the extra time is for a fair chance to get into ideal courses in university, but I think they should compete in the same conditions as others to get into whatever course that would, they would truly be able to do so. Am I the asshole? Yeah, dude. Yeah. Without a fucking doubt. Because the, the moms or whoever's asking if they're the asshole is acting as if like, if this child takes, uh, like a, an exam to, uh,

Wait, what? Show that they have special needs? What are they even saying? They're denying. They don't want to tell the school they have special needs. Yeah, it's like if they're taking a math test in school, they get like 20. Yeah, I had friends in high school that would get another 30 minutes on a final exam or something like that. I don't think I think they're an asshole for not allowing their child to have that time. Yeah, I think that's crazy because like the mom is like basically being like,

I decide whether or not you... Like, it's like she's making... She's casting her own opinion without ever experiencing what this person is. She's effectively hindering a helpful advantage that her kid could have to even the playing field because of her disabilities. Yeah. I used to, when I was in high school, I would... So when I said IEP, that's called an individualized education program, which is like if you have some, like, you know,

any of the neurodivergent little flavors under the sun. You can get stuff like extra time or you get to take a test in another room or something like that. And I had that in high school and that was very, very helpful for me because I was not doing well. So I think that that's that.

Is huge asshole shit. Like that's so fucked. To not even let them know. That you have it. I don't want people to even know. I want to hide you away. In a little cave. They were acting as if they told the school. Then their kid would be like. Shoved into a different classroom. In like the janitor's closet. And like taught alone or something. Like no they're just trying to get extra time. For a test. Like that's not an obscene ask.

Listen to these fucking liberals go, Tucker. Oh, you're the asshole. You're the asshole. Every single fucking person on this blog is the asshole. Wait, why am I getting roped into this? That's just like dragging me in today. I can't even. Tucker, come here. Come here. Put this arm around him. Hey, these guys are fucking pieces of shit, aren't they? No, real talk. I can't even disagree with this for content.

I mean, if there's anything I've learned, if someone gives you a handout, you fucking take it no matter what. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly. No matter what. It's like, hey, you want a speed boost? Hey, you want some, you're playing a game of zombies? Hey, you want some fucking quick revive? You want a max ammo? Hey, you want some juggernaut for free? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Cha-ching. Max ammo. You want one of, cop and cop.

yes i'm fucking taking that yes i'm fucking running straight into that glowing orb that i don't know what it is thank you it's got a hammer on it yeah fucking take that shit carpenter yeah that's 400 points right there isn't it that's four yeah it's 400 yeah

But then make sure you, you know, if you're near one of the open windows, you repair that. Yeah. A little 10, little 10 point. Yeah. It's like, yeah, it's like with a little fucking Max ammo, you know, everyone you shout out into the comms, everyone reload, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Take a handout. I can't. I feel like that was the easiest one. Yeah. That one was like, that one was like pretty straightforward. Cause it's like the mom is like essentially being ableist. Yeah.

Well, being ableist and also just like for no reason. Like literally just sitting there. It was honestly kind of crazy the way it was phrased too where it was like she wants... Is this written from the perspective of the mom or the child? The mom. Well, I think it's the parent. I don't know if we use mom or dad. It does feel like a mom, doesn't it? Something about it felt like a mom, but I...

I just don't think a dad would... I don't think the dad would post, die the asshole here. Ted's like, yeah, that sounds like a woman thing to do. Yeah, I mean, it just kind of seemed like a kind of... You know, this just seems like a girl problem is really what it is at the end of the day. Yeah, but she was saying she wants...

She wants her to succeed at the same level. Like she essentially wants her child not to have a disability.

Well, because you're saying in the job field, they're not panning towards people with special needs. But at the same time, they're not looking... Like, if you get this extra test time, which you can also have in college, by the way. Yeah, you're also not taking tests in fucking... Yeah, you're not taking tests. You're just doing a base job that you've prepared for through years of work. And then, like, even in college, they'll have extra test time and stuff for people that need it. And then that helps you get your first job because...

If that extra test time is going to help you get better grades, make you look better in better job applications, job areas. Yeah, this mom's a fucking dunce, dude. Yeah, I feel like it's just a stupid decision. Not even like... Let's kill this mom, dude. Because it is a mom. Kid would be better off. Is it a mom? No, we don't know. Oh. Well, it is a mom. We've all just decided it's a mom. Yeah, it is a mom. It's a mom. We got to kill this mom. Well, I feel like moms have usually more...

on hands work with their kids schooling at least in the people that i know single dad and we've just made some crazy assumptions here i feel like if it's a single dad though they're not gonna they're not gonna do that in some ways this could also be a dad because you know this could be a dad but he and he's coming from bootstraps angle oh yeah

Well, maybe this is more information. I went to look at their Reddit account and it's been suspended. That's the kind of dad thing to do though. Yeah, that's not leaning towards a dad thing. Probably just slinging a racial slur to it. He's been lurking for years with something to finally set him off. Maybe it's a dad pretending to be a mom. Maybe a little bit of Mrs. Doubtfire. What does a good comment say?

The top comment's long, but their final message was, do better for your kid, please. You're the asshole. Boom. Mic drop right there. Yeah, a lot of these ones that are pretty cut and dry are like, I feel like the responses are so clear cut where they're just like, fuck. They're just like, fuck you, man. Get out of here. Yeah, I couldn't even play devil's advocate on that one. I didn't even know how to do it.

Take handouts. I didn't even know. Ted comes to me and he's like, hey, you want to? Hey, you want to? I don't know. You want this free heroin? You want this free heroin? Yeah. Yeah. Yes, Ted. Yes, of course I will. Might come in handy later. Thank you. It's good. Free crack pellet? Crack pellet? Yeah, this guy walked up to me. He said, you need a little crack pellet.

little wall. It'll offer you for free crack on the side of the side of the street. And actually, the side of the side of the airsoft pistol, you start shooting at the playground, start shooting at kids. Yeah. Ooh, it gets lodged in there. Start shoving them in Halloween candy. Mm-hmm. All of a sudden, the kids are just, all the kids at the playground are just like... Stuck. You know how they, you know, you ever walk through Philadelphia? You start playing the mannequin challenge? And then...

All right, Tucker. What's the next one we got here? All right, here's the title. Am I the asshole for telling my girlfriend I hate the decor she bought? Oh. This ain't looking good for you. No. Did she ask? We need to know. We need to know. I'm going to say this before we even start reading. I think he's right. Okay.

I think he's right. Yeah. I think he's right. I think the man's right here. Oh, really? Here we go. Here's the story. Let's hear it.

For context, my girlfriend has got fantastic taste in decor and has been responsible for the majority of our house looking great. Can I just say something I thought would have been funny if it happened but it didn't? I thought maybe 75% of my being thought that it was going to just be at the beginning. He was going to be like, for context, my girlfriend has fantastic tits. And then he continues on with the story. But he didn't.

But that's my headcanon that that's what that guy was going to start his red post with. Sorry, continue to talk. All right.

We have a 200-year-old house, and my girlfriend is an antique dealer. So through her, I've developed a love of old furniture, and most of our things are antiques. The past two days, she's been on a deep cleaning house organization spree. My parents are visiting down for the festive period, and I'm stuck working 60 hours a week. So unfortunately, the cleaning has fallen on her. Damn, dude. 60 hours.

Yesterday, she hired a rug doctor and did a deep clean of all the carpets in the house, rearranged some furniture, and said she's going to finally sort out bits that were lacking. Some rugs, lampshades, log baskets, etc. Today, she decided to go to HomeSense, which is like TJ Maxx, and buys all of these things. I come home and she's so excited to show me. I smile and I say that I like them, but I just don't.

She's tried to get me things that look old to fit in with the rest, but I just can't get past the fact that they're from HomeSense. Eventually, we are sat down and I say, I really don't like the bits. She replies, the homeware bits I bought today? And I say, yes.

Am I the asshole?

I'm going to go now. I'm going to go now. No. I'm going to go now. He should be able to be honest. He should be able to be honest. I think he should have said it off rep. I think the second he walked in, saw them, he should have been like, ah, don't like him.

But he dragged it on and that made it worse because he faked liking it. And then that probably while receipt was in hand, while they're still in the bags, he should have been like, ah, these are kind of trash. You ain't putting those on my shelf. Yeah. I don't think it makes them ungrateful. I think that's a poor word to use. But I will say you got a house. You got you're inhabiting with someone else. What are you going to fucking send them off to fucking home goods?

They're doing all the work to make the house. Yeah. I don't know. Go on a weekend or something. That seems like if you really care about how the house looks, you'd go. Yeah, but he is working 60 hours a week. Yeah, but I work 60 hours a week, and I can still fucking go places. You work 60 hours a week? Could we get a maybe...

It's a list of what you're doing. Yeah. Can I get 60 hours? Can I get some time? You said maybe 80. So you think you're working double full time shifts? So sometimes, like before we filmed this podcast, I was playing Lethal Company with some buddies. Oh, yeah. But it was work because I was recording it. Yeah. And I couldn't go to HomeGoods then. So like.

But like you were you were you recorded it and you plan on posting it. Yeah. Yeah. But like, OK, what else? You know, you probably recorded Lethal Company for what? Maybe hour and a half. Two hours. Two hours. Solid. Two out of the 80. So one done.

Well, I mean, this is another hour out of the 80. Yeah. So three. And then I had a 30-minute meeting before that. Okay, so three and a half. Three and a half hours in a day. And then I jerked off before that. That's not work. That's not work. That's play. But you can write that off because I took some Bulge pictures on Snapchat. So I'll get some Snap crystals for that. All right. Yeah, let's add it. Okay. Four hours. Fine. Four hours. Four hours. So four times seven, what's that, Shlank? 28. 28.

Yeah, I don't think that's part. That's a part time job. You said you were double full time.

60 hours a week could realistically be six, ten hours. Think about this, Joe. Think about this, Joe. If he gets up his snap crystal bulge pick time, then things could really turn in his favor if he starts jerking off a little more. Yeah, because you have to take a good bulge pick. You need at least five minutes of prep. Yeah, you need edge time. Joe, you know this. Edge time? Yeah.

I've gotten some nice snaps from Joe. Come on, Joe. You know you're sitting there in your goon cave and you don't know what we're talking about here? You know, you give it a... Well, we don't need you to give a demonstration. Oh, yeah. I don't think we need a physical... Okay. No? No? No, but you're trying to... You could add some more time to your week if you... Yeah. I'm just saying. Listen, regardless of how busy you are, we're all busy.

Even like even if the girl just sends a little text like a photo just like look at it. Hey, that's not what that's not work But I'm saying like if you got a second like even like it's for the house, you know It's gonna be something you look at every day of your life. Yeah, it's just like well, she said yeah if she sent photos especially if there's like a establish thing where they're where they're they're both kind of working I mean Joe are you dating anyone?

Yeah, I've been dating a girl for two years, four months now. You guys live together? Nope. Okay. I'm also in college. I'm also younger than the both of you. Tucker, how does the decisions for the decor... Not the married opinion? Yeah, let's get the married opinion. I feel like it's 50-50. Oh, no. Yeah, maybe not. Well, honestly...

Dude, if I have a wife... I feel like if you're a husband that really cares about decor, though, I feel like just in general, like...

When I move in with my girlfriend, it's just, yeah, whatever you want to put up. Bro, if it's 50-50 and I got a wife, half the shelf is going to be filled with fucking bionicle Toa Nuju, Toa Lewa. It's going to be a fucking nightmare. It's just going to be one of those big anime sculpture fucking light-up cases, and it's going to be all bionicle. The guy has a room, like the man cave, where they decorate it with all the bullshit.

And then everything else, it's like not 50. I feel like the woman's going to be like kind of taking the reins on that one. Yeah, you need a you need an entertaining space that maybe doesn't look like something out of cyberpunk. Oh, you don't like my you don't like my dude, my half my my whole fucking apartment's covered in LED lights. I know what you're talking about when it comes to the lab. I'm sorry. Is that fucking pickle, Rick?

On the right. I got one of those. The bonsai tree doesn't make up for the fact. Like a bonsai tree? Yeah. Who's on the right? Who's on the right?

Yeah, it's... He's just avoiding it. He's totally avoiding it. Oh, the Deadpool hat? No, no, no, no. We've seen the Deadpool. We've seen the Deadpool. A little more over. A little more over to the right. Yeah, there he is. Oh, shit. That's a pickle wreck. That's a pickle wreck. Audio listeners love you to death. Three-foot pickle wreck. Joe's got a fucking waifu pillow pickle wreck. Yeah. What about Dave and Buster's? Oh. Well, okay. That changes things.

I tried one of my Dave and Buster's. Yeah. How many points? What were you playing? Skee-ball? I play, you know, I'll play the Flappy Bird game. I'm playing Pop the Lock. I'm playing Stack'em. I'm playing that one game where you go beep, beep, beep, and you got to like press all the buttons in time. You're playing fucking the spider game? I don't even know if it's called the spider game. Oh, do you remember the spider game where it was like little buttons you press to step on the spider?

No. Am I going crazy? No, you're going crazy. I don't know about that one. When I'm at pinballs, I play the fucking Flappy Bird machine. Yeah, literally. Yeah, just Flappy Bird. That gives you the most tickets per pipe pass. Yeah, especially if you beat the high scorer. Oh, yeah. That's a big bonus that day. You got to go at the morning, and then you know what you do? You're the first one in that machine every day.

You start at one and you get, then your next one, you go to two and then you just beat it by one and then you get the, you get the new high score bonus too. Oh my God. I think this is what you got to do. I think this is pretty good. This is pretty good that you won this end. And how much was it? Was it, how much money did you, I probably put in about 50, 50, 60 bucks.

And you got a pickle Rick. I got a big three foot pickle Rick. I think that's a fair price. I think that's probably, I think that thing's probably 40 bucks. Yeah. So, you know, I got to play some games. You think that that thing is 40 bucks? They're definitely pumping that shit out in a Chinese factory. All right. All right. Worth seven cents. I'm sorry. Seven cents. Seven cents. They're squirting that fucking thing out. Three foot pickle Rick. They're squirting them out every second. Yeah.

I can't even find them. Oh, I found it on eBay. How much? $79.95. Bullshit. There's no way that's me. Here's a 20-inch one for $50. Wait, what'd you get it for? A 20-inch one, which is way smaller, for $50 on Amazon. Shit. Ew.

Maybe I profited on the old Dave and Buster. You're not telling me he's got equity in the pickle. That's a part of my network. I mean, it sounds like it's a pretty valuable pick or risk. Fuck, man. I mean, was that made pre or post voice actor change? You can tell based on the cloth. That's good. Wow. Okay. So that's embedded with the.

I mean, that could be a problem. Won that back in 2020, 2021. Okay. 2021 because COVID, I don't even think Dave and Buster's is open. Are you okay with us auctioning that off to our viewers? If I want another one...

No, but if it's a one of one, it's a one of one. It's definitely not a one of one. It's a one of one. It's the Joe Bart one of one. They restocked that the second you got it. Yeah. What if we threw in one of those little Febreze little fucking twist off things that you got back? Yeah. What if we throw one of those? Yeah.

I mean, I got some cool Funko Pops. Oh, you got some Funko Pops. Yeah, a little Mickey. You sound enthused, lad. Little Mickey here. You know, I have a conspiracy theory about Disney. There's so many Funko Pops and you chose to get the mouse? Well, Mickey is a part of a conspiracy theory that I came up with myself. It's called the Disney Sniffer Theory. Employee underwear is a requirement at Disney World.

And so I have a theory that the real life Mickey Mouse sniffs the underwear to confirm that the workers are wearing the employee underwear. Right. Because they're not allowed to film you and they're not allowed to. Right. Like why can we go back to the beginning real quick? Right. Employee underwear. Employee underwear is a thing at Disney World.

What are we talking about here? You are required to wear not only the uniform, but a specific underwear that they will provide, to my knowledge, right? I did a little PowerPoint, whole video on it, you know, a little school presentation. Do you know what it looks like? Does it look comfortable? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's just because you might see the underwear. Dude, it's coming up.

Does it have little like linings that can cup your nuts out? Oh, this is surely for the character actors. Yeah. This isn't just like if you're working the concession stand and they're making you change your fucking underwear. That seems kind of crazy. Yeah.

But they have to know how you're wearing the underwear, right? Because what if I just don't wear the underwear? So I'm assuming when they return the underwear every day, real life Mickey exists. That's theory number one. Theory number two is that Disney's Mickey smells the underwear and confirms whether or not it's been worn. Hot summer day in Orlando, Florida, you're going to be able to smell whether or not somebody's worn the employee underwear. So...

If we take this a step further, you realize that we can derive from this, right? What? Is that you've spent an inordinate amount of hours thinking about a real-life Mickey Mouse sniffing underwear. Yeah, no, and I actually have photos of what I believe the real-life Mickey Mouse. Look up Mickey Mouse in real life.

And there's a few photos where I think they really just nail it on the head. There's a few where they try to make him look cute. I don't really vibe with that. I think he would kind of look more like a three-foot New York City rat. Just kind of hulking out. You think that that's him? I think that'd be real-life Mickey. Dude, why has he got so many folds? A little wrinklage. Oof. Oof.

Yeah, but just like can't you imagine like just real life Mickey just in a cage? Yeah, I don't think I like imagining it though. I feel like you're pushing this thing where you got to – you like think about this, Ted, and I'm like I don't like how it's making me feel. Joe, I don't know. I don't like how this makes me feel, Joe. Yeah, but there's some things in Disney that are just, you know, you walk by, you're like things are a little too perfect. You're going underground. Yeah.

It's the real life Mickey. They're storing the fucking head of Walt Disney down there, too. There's a couple secrets in there. I've been down there. You have? Yeah, when I was a freshman in high school, they took me on a little tour. Wow. It was like a subway. It was really big. Pretty cool. We should probably listen to another asshole thing, I realize. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's quite a rabbit hole. Yeah, we went down a rabbit hole. I don't even know how he got on that topic. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either. It's been a good 30 minutes, though. Yeah. I think. No, it's been like seven. Okay. Am I the asshole for having less time for my kids? Here's the story. I'm a 35 male, and the mother of my children, Lexi, is also 35. Wow.

We had an extremely healthy breakup. We were never married. So we had an agreement for me to see our kids, 16 female, 15 male, and 10 every other weekend. But they could also stay with me whenever they wanted to. I was going to say that's pretty young. However, right now I'm living with my partner, Lana, and I'm taking care of my stepkids, nine, six, and four. And she's also expecting, so I have priorities for them at the moment.

This weekend was supposed to be the weekend for me to see the kids, however, I had to cancel as Lana is extremely stressed and didn't want more people in the house, so I obliged. I called Lexi to tell her that they can't come over, and she said she would let the kids know. My 16-year-old called me to let me know she was disappointed and she missed me because I had to cancel last time as well. I explained to her that Lana was struggling and I needed to be there for her and the kids.

Hmm.

Now my kids are extremely angry at me and they're all refusing to answer my calls. Am I being a bad father or am I in the right? Also feel free to call out any mistakes. I'm not good with grammar. Okay. It is. He has no grammar. There's no punctuation. I, um, I feel like that's an in between scenario. Yeah. Cause I can understand how the kids are feeling where it's like your dad cares more about kids that aren't his. Yeah. But on the other hand, he is obligated to help his current,

And there. Yeah. Hmm. I don't know if I would call him an asshole. I would say that that is a tough situation to be in. Yeah. That's this is more of like a man. That sucks, bro. Yeah, that sucks. Like, no, no, no. You're an asshole. I'd be like, yeah, man. Wow. I'm sorry. That's like somebody complains about when you're hanging out with your buddy or like.

You're like, man, that sucks. Yeah, that's tough, bro. And then he keeps going on about it, and you're like, damn, man.

you're like a ball smoking weed you're like dude i'm too high for this i'm sorry yeah or you pass him the joint and he's just holding it talking and you're like can you hit that please ah can i uh a little bit of that yeah he's like oh no i'm about to hit it it's like well it's out now can you relight it i don't think i heard a single word of that i am absolutely fucking wrecked off the schnapps you didn't hear any of it you

You didn't hear any of that. No, I tried to pick it up like halfway in and I was just like, man, fuck. So what do the comments say, Tucker? Top comment's pretty good. Here it is. Oh, wow. Are you the asshole? You have replaced your children with your new girlfriend and her kids and made it abundantly clear to them that your new family matters more to you than they do.

Don't be surprised 10 years from now when your daughter wants someone else to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be lucky to even get an invite. Damn, dude. Dude, honestly, honestly, that kind of swayed my opinion. Yeah, actually, I changed my mind. Because from the viewpoint of the kids, dude, their father betrayed them for another family. Yeah.

From the viewpoint of the kids, their father's a fucking asshole. Wait! I see things entirely differently now. Joe's so close to the camera. Yeah, Joe, you're getting real close to the camera. I'm seeing your veins popping out as you're saying that. Bro. You know what? I agree with that Redditor. Yeah, I think that was a good take. I still feel like it's...

Like, what is he supposed to just never, never get with anybody else? Never, never marry? Whatever. Because they were never married to begin with. They just had three kids together.

I don't know. I feel like being with another woman's fine, but not being the dad. Keep talking about this? I have to, I've been holding in a piss for a while. I need to get this piss out. You're good. But keep talking. Keep going, Joe. This is great. No, I love it. This is good, Joe. I don't know. I think that... No, Joe, keep going. Keep going, Joe. I'll keep going. I'll keep going. And when you get back, can he even hear me? No. No, he can't. He can't hear me. What? Go. Go. Okay. Get lost.

I think that this is a more relatable experience. As weird and as specific as this is, one in three families, I think, in the United States are divorced. And I think it's one in two marriages end in divorce now. Shit.

My parents have been divorced since I was a month old. Right. I think it's not. And I always say my chat will ask me when I'm on when I'm when I'm on Twitch. They're like, what should I write about my college essay? And I'll be so straight up. I'm like, don't write about your parents divorce because they don't care. It doesn't make you unique. And I say it bluntly. And then people will be like, oh, that's so messed up. And I'm like, dude, my parents have been divorced since I was a month old. Like, it's it.

You should open with that. Well, yeah, I think it's a suit. Yeah, I probably should. But, you know, I do wait for the shock value for people to be like, what the fuck? Yeah. And then I'm like, well, my parents are divorced. So it's just it's it's a very common thing now comparable to like,

your parents parents right like everybody's grandparents tend to be together yeah they stuck together yeah stuck together they even if they didn't want to even if they didn't want to you know yeah um shit what does that say about our society though well i i think it's it was ingrained socially that people shouldn't get a divorce and now if you're 75 and you have marital problems ah you're almost dead anyway you know so it's might as well ride it out today it's just like

God, I really want to go through this problem. I am going to die soon. You know? Yeah. So let's gossip about Ted for a second. What about Ted?

I don't know. I just feel like he's been off recently. Have you felt that today? Yeah, a little bit off. A little bit off. A little bit off. You know, he's just got like, there's no life in his eyes recently. And I'm wondering if something happened. And he's been gone for a while, you know? Totally gone for a while. Like he said he was going for a little piss, but this is kind of a shit. Yeah, I feel like he's like. This is shit length. Yeah, shit length. Shit length. Shit length. How long are your shits? How long are your shits?

I'm efficient with them. I got a bidet. You have a bidet? Oh, I have a bidet. Really? I have a $630 bidet. Is that an expensive? Is there cheaper alternatives for bidets? Of course. There's a $20 bidet that isn't heated, has none of the convenience features. You got to wash it out yourself, put it in the dishwasher. There's no fan that dries your butthole. You're making fun of my bidet right now?

Oh, Ted has that one. Oh, you have a bidet. Yeah, Ted totally has that one. You both have to. Do you use them every time? Well, I bought the bidet. It was the bidet that I bought when we had Swagger Souls on a while ago. And he suggested this cheap $20 one you can get on Amazon. So I bought that one.

That's a shitty one. I have a $630 bidet. It's got really strong water pressure too. It's super strong, even the lowest setting. Even the lowest setting. But I will say my new bidet also is kind of strong. But I think over the years I've kind of gotten used to it. So maybe next time I come over to your house, I'll be a little more accustomed to the pressure. I've never used a bidet in my entire life. Joe, I'm a wiper. If I'm away from home and I haven't used a bidet in a while, I feel dirty.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I feel... I'm going to send you my address right now. Okay, Joe? And you're going to come over and you're going to shit. And just use your bidet. Listen, there's one button you press. And you don't have to wipe your ass at all. Listen, I have a preset. I have a preset. You just position yourself correctly. A custom setting. On the bowl, you hit the one button. And I have it programmed into the remote.

It'll fucking spray you a little bit. It'll up the pressure. It'll start fucking cover all your fucking, you know, around the butthole too, you know? And you don't wipe after that? Full coverage. No, let me tell you what it does after. Let me tell you what it does after. Sprays you for about 30, 45 seconds and then warm air. Oh, warm air, warm air, warm water, warm air.

How hard is the water pressure? It's... Listen, for the first time, it might be a lot. Just like, oh! It is nothing... You may feel a bit violated. Here's the thing. You go in... I always clench a little bit when I hit the button to do the routine. I clench a little bit. I do a little Kegel. It's a little shock initially. Yeah, because it just closes up the whole butthole area. But I will say...

You know, after it's done drying your asshole, so you don't even have to use toilet paper to dry it, then that's what you hear. And that sound is actually it's spraying air freshener. Air freshener. Yeah. Deodorizer on your asshole. Deodorizer. It's got a little deodorizer. It doesn't get at all.

Something that the actors at Disney could very well use is some deodorizers. That's what I'm saying. And listen, I've had no complaints. None. You haven't complained yourself or people haven't complained to you? People haven't complained. I've given it a whirl. It's a good one. It's a good one. And Joe Bartolozzi, I get my ass eaten frequently.

Oh, is that why he's saying that? No complaints after the bidet usage? Yeah. Not... Yeah. No, that's... What if they're just not saying anything? Yeah, what if they're just fucking... That fucking sucks for them. Yeah. Yeah, no, that fucking sucks for them. That's what I call not my problem. That's what they call a fucking choco taco is what they're calling that. Dude, I'll send you my address, okay? I'll see you next week. But yeah, what I was saying is that sometimes I'll go...

you know, multiple times. Like if I feel any semblance of a shit in my colon, I'll just go. And sometimes I'll do like very small shits multiple times a day so I get to use the bidet more. Sometimes even if I don't want to shit and if it's like before a...

You know a stream or like a important recording. I'll just sit in there for five minutes and just tell you one thing routine go Why don't you just use it today? He's got a heated seat in his - and that heated seat toilet. Yeah heated seat toilet It's like one of those things where it's like you spend so much time of your life Shitting if you really think about it you do it almost every day if you've got you know good enough fiber and

Why? I've gone three, four times a day. What are we doing? Why should we be sitting miserable on cold ceramic when in reality we could be living like kings? Yeah. I have a question for you. We may have an answer. If you're at a public restroom, are you going to place toilet paper on the seat before you take a shit? No. No, I don't do that. I don't. I don't. And I've been scolded saying, oh, how disgusting.

Yeah, I was taught to do it, but I actually don't care. It's too much work. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot. I'm not putting my face on the toilet. It's my ass. I feel like I'd be getting more germs spending that extra time in a public toilet than I would be just getting in and out. I shower. I shower, you know? I've been in public restrooms where I'm at an airport, and I got about 15 minutes before I got to catch a flight. Mm-hmm.

I'd take a seat and the seats warm and most people would be off put by that. But in my mind, I say, damn, thank you to the guy that warmed this up for me. I'm not scared of warm seats anymore. It's a tag team. You know, it's a you guys are working together. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm never going to I'm never going to see him. You know, I can't thank him. And then when you walked out of that toilet, there was a line. All the other ones are open. There's a line. Everyone's trying to come for the good toilet. The warm one. Oh, Joe was on that one.

I want that one. Yeah. I'd wait for that seat. I'll tell you that much. Joe Asalozy. If you guys are at a public restroom and there's a line of men waiting to use the urinal,

but you see that there are urinals open, but there are two men on either side of the urinal. Are you going to use that urinal? Yeah, of course I am. What a fucking... No, but I've seen guys wait. I'll go to a bar, and there's a whole line, and I peek my head in, and there's four urinals open. They're just the middle ones. I won't use a middle urinal, but if there's a line out the door, I got to really pee.

There's a wall. You know, I'm going to use a middle urinal. You won't go next. There's there's I won't use a middle urinal unless it's full. Are these are these open face urinals? Yeah. Like no, no guard. Just the urinal out of the out of the wall. I'm going to I'm going to pin my body against the urinal. Yeah, you pin it. Oh, yeah. You cup your you cup to prevent any sort of viewage.

Yeah, yeah, no, you've got great form, Joe. You've got great form. What about me? Do I have good form? Wait, can I see yours again? I was looking at Joe's. Jesus. No, you've got to stick more in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but pin yourself against it. Yeah, I like that. You want to hear about...

I've got another Marine reference coming in here so Tucker can answer this. You want to hear about something that sucks is going into a bathroom with no stalls. Tucker, take it away.

Oh yeah, at boot camp there's no stalls, so just all the toilets. There's a line and then there's something on the other wall. Not even no door, just stalls facing each other? Yeah, you're just hanging out in there. Why would they do that? Why wouldn't they? I think it is good preparation to take a shit in the middle of the woods.

run the there's no urinals either just a trough well that doesn't bother me I could pee I could pee anywhere but pooping I don't know I don't know about that dude yeah I mean I just you get comfortable with shitting real quick if there's like

Because, you know, like when you're a kid in elementary school and you're like going to the bathroom and someone else enters the restroom and you're like, it kind of turns into stealth mode where it's like you don't want them to hear your plops as if that's not the reason we're all there. And then they laugh. You rip ass when you're in the public restroom. Dude, that was even in high school. I still have that. You were getting laughed at for that? No, I remember my junior year in high school.

They had a new building at my high school and I was about to go to a track meet but I had to take a dump and I was like, I'm going to go there because no one's in that building.

First 10, I take half hour shits. Of course. I'm playing Clash of Clans. You know, I'm doing whatever. There you go. Scrolling Twitter. I'm sitting. Yeah. I'm having a grand old time. It's spring. It's 95 degrees in the bathroom because there's not AC in the building yet. Yeah. No AC in the building yet. I'm sweating. Right. But I'm getting this poop out. Next thing I know, I hear. Hey.

I hear the door open and two people laughing walk in. Actually, this is when I was a sophomore. They were seniors because I could see their pants and we had uniforms and I could see their pants under their stalls and they were seniors. And I was like, and I went, oh no.

And then I rip ass and they start fucking shaking the stall. They start messing with me. And I'm like that whole time. I'm like fucking hell. Like you've never had that.

I went to an all-guy school. Yeah, that sounds like an all-guy school. Yeah, we would have belt fights in the locker room. Belt fights. Yeah, that was how you settled discrepancies because we had belts with our uniform. You'd take them out. You'd just whip each other. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

But yeah, no, they were laughing. They were messing with me. And then from then on, I was like, I'm never pooping in school again. But now in college, now in college, I'll just get up mid lecture. I'll go take a half hour dump, stroll back in like nothing happened. I feel like I may have talked about this before, but how crazy was it when you were a kid and you had to ask to go to the bathroom?

I hated that. That was through high school. All high school. Humiliating kind of thing to have to do. Can I? It's like, hey, can I please? Like, shit. It's like in the teacher. The teacher's like.

Why are they allowed to determine that? Like, there's got to be examples of kids shitting themselves in class. And then they say, you mean the restroom? Yeah, may you use the restroom? Can I go to the bathroom? Is there a bath in there? I used to have a teacher that would tell me that. No, you mean the restroom. What am I, taking a fucking nap in the bathroom? What do you mean restroom? I'm taking a shit. Yeah. Jeez.

Wow. This is off topic. And I know we need to get back to the asshole questions. Joe, do people notice you on campus? Like, is there... You know, everyone sees your fucking face. Yeah, are you a local celebrity? You know. Yeah and no. In my classes, people will, like...

be pretty chill about it. I mean, they might be like, I know you. And I'd be like, that's cool. Right. I have a conversation. Hey Joe, I know you. I know you. Yeah. Like I, some people might ask for a photo, but that's like very infrequent. And I'm also not on campus often because I'm pulling up, going to class, leaving. Right. I'm not like chilling there, hanging out. I'm not living on campus. I think it would be a little bit different, but it's like,

College is actually a place where getting recognized is not bad. Getting recognized in like the Jersey Shore. I don't go to the Jersey Shore anymore.

Oh, really? Because of that? Yeah. I mean, not boardwalks, not Wildwood, OC, any boardwalk in New Jersey. Every time I've ever gone, I don't think I'm famous. I think people just know me, but I'll go to a boardwalk. I was in Point Pleasant in July, and I wasn't that bad. I got recognized maybe twice.

You also mainly do YouTube, and so I feel like people are more chill about it. Is New Jersey a big TikTok state? I don't know. It's just I'll show up, and somebody will be like – and I also think it's because I'm from New Jersey, so people know. But I'll show up. I'm walking. It's fine. And then, like, one kid will go, Joe? And I'll turn, and I'll go, Joe.

And I'm like, what's up, man? And I have no problem interacting with people that follow me. It's just like, I'll be like, what's up, bro? And I'll be with my girlfriend. I'll be with Brooke. We're about to go mini golfing. This was last summer. And we're about 100 yards from the mini golf place. It took us 25 minutes to get there. The second that kid walks up, 30 other people swarm me. Oh, no. And then I end up going in. See, the benefit of me being a dickhead on TikTok, though, is the fact that they're not really expecting much out of me.

in a social media interaction. Realistically, they could walk up to me and I could just be like, fuck you and just walk away. And they'd be like, that's Joe. And they'd be like, he did the thing. Dude, I got the Joe experience, man. He told me to fuck off. So I'll be nice, but they'll ask for a picture and eventually it's like a bunch of people and I'll just be like, I gotta go, guys. And that's...

And then I'll just walk. Or if I'm with friends, they'll shield me. They'll make like a bubble. Nice. Not paying for a security guard. I don't think that's... I don't think I'm nearly big enough for that. You're sort of... In many ways, you're sort of New Jersey's... You know, there's no more Jersey Shore show anymore. You know, you're sort of the Kardashian of New Jersey. I feel like the Jersey Shore really just...

ruined the new jersey yeah the new jersey stereotype everybody's like oh you got frosted tips and a spray tan and you and you talk like you talk like a new yorker but different like now yeah i think uh i think your state was already kind of fucking stupid oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm just saying i just say shit all right i think we've got about time for one more so tucker

Hit us with the best, or I suppose the worst, one you've got. Okay, here's the title. Am I the asshole for asking my sister-in-law if she's bringing anything else? Here's the story. My brother just married Sarah. She's Mexican and she's coming for Thanksgiving. She said she's bringing both sweet and savory tamales. So I guess one is turkey and the other is pineapple.

I thought this was strange, but my brother said they're good. I asked if she was bringing anything else because I don't know of anyone else other than my brother and his wife eating that for Thanksgiving. Oh, come on. Sarah just sort of ignored me and I told my mom. My mom said I was so rude and she'd be excited to try something different.

Mom lectured me as a host, but everyone normally brings a little something, but I think my sister-in-law needs to read the room and bring something that is for Thanksgiving and not some random dish that she came up with. Oh, no. Oh, dude. Let's go. Let's go. My brother said if I say one word to his wife, he's calling me out and leaving, accusing me of being racist over something so stupid.

normally everyone brings a little dish and tamales sounds like rolls and sweet rolls and I already made those am I the asshole yes he's such a fucking asshole oh my god I would have loved to have fucking tamales at Thanksgiving dude if someone came in and brought like fucking mozzarella sticks I'd be fucking hype at Thanksgiving are you kidding me

Dude, if somebody rolled up with tacos on Thanksgiving, I would have been like, oh, I would be so happy because I I'm going to have an odd take here. I dislike most of traditional Thanksgiving food. Yeah, you're just saying you're just saying what people are thinking.

I've said it before and a lot of people are like, what the hell are you talking about? I think turkey is garbage, right? I've said it on TikTok. It's really hard to make. Basic response I get is you're white, right? That's why the turkey sucks. That's a fucked up thing to say. Turkey sucks. If you have to do everything in your power to make it not be dry and disgusting, then

And people are like, oh, that's the white meat. That's 90% of the fucking turkey. If you have to deep fry it, put it in a smoker for six hours, pump it full of butter, Cajun seasoning all over it, and then it's edible, just fucking make a chicken.

Yeah. At that point, I'd rather go to a fucking grocery store and get a $4 rotisserie chicken and eat that. It's going to taste better. And honestly, if you served like a nice rotisserie chicken, you had it already pre-cut up and you started feeding it to people, would people really like- They'd know it's chicken. How long would they- They'd know it's chicken. Would they? Yes, because it wouldn't taste like shit. It wouldn't.

Exactly. They'd be like, is this chicken? It's like, I can't detect the graininess, what's going on. I can't detect the graininess. I've said, yeah, that...

Like when you chew it. Yeah. It's like, it's got like a spongy texture to it almost where it's like, what? I said, I'm going to be a ham family when I, when I get a host Thanksgiving. I, yeah, yeah. You could, you could say that's, that's foul, but I'm going to be a ham family. I feel like Thanksgiving could literally just be fucking meat. I feel like I'm just going to be having meat family. I feel like it's like we're busting out. Cause I'm, I, oh my. I,

I would love if the fucking Thanksgiving was an A5 Wagyu or some shit. Yeah, why don't you just make steaks? I think that when I get a house, the next, because my current hyper focus is the bike because people were calling me fat in the comments on Chuckle Sandwich. So my next thing is going to be, and I bike tune from the Jim Joe just for context there. And it's awesome. I listen to music. It's beautiful. My next thing would be to get a smoker.

When I have my own place. I feel like I get really into smoking.

And then get like a bunch of get brisket and get chicken and get a whole bunch of fucking meats and stuff. And then that'd be Thanksgiving. Like, why? Why do we have to follow? Because it's a tradition that people feel they they have to follow. I did a friend's giving this year and we all had T-bone steaks and it was amazing. We had we had nice like not like not like grocery store T-bones. Like you're going to a meat market. You're getting those big thick T-bone steaks, you know, season them, grill them.

And it's like, wow. Like, it was so much more enjoyable than the family Thanksgiving because I'm staring down a fucking broccoli casserole

praying that I'm going to get through this. That's bullshit. Like, I mean, does anybody really, like, what else do you not enjoy? Like, there's a mac and cheese. You don't fuck with mac and cheese. You like mashed potatoes. I love mac and cheese. I don't like mashed potatoes. I don't like mashed potatoes. You don't like mashed potatoes? Well, can I just step in here for a second? A mac and cheese, not traditional item, but it is a supplementary item that people have added over the years.

I feel like it's in every Thanksgiving household. By the way, Tucker, how was that fucking truffle mac that somebody brought to your Thanksgiving? I was thinking about that. Oh, it's so awful.

It wasn't as good as the last year's. Last year was so good. Everybody was hyped. And this year he's like, oh, I didn't put as much truffle in it this year. We're all like, why the fuck not? What the fuck are you talking about? Before we head out, I need to lay out my ideal Thanksgiving meal, and I think we all should. Oh, yeah. Can I also just say before, that dude's a total asshole, by the way. Right.

Oh, yeah, I would be fine with the fucking tamales. I think that would be nice. And he's hosting the dinner, so you fucking get some food. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you make the food. Sorry you didn't have to fucking slave away since 8 a.m. this morning and you got tamales instead of fucking stuffing, dude. It's just old bread. It is old bread. It is old bread. Okay.

I invite everybody over to my house. Let me tell you what I'm making. You guys chime in if you think it's not good enough. Is this just going to be your ideal meal or Thanksgiving? This is my ideal Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving because ideal meal is different. Ideal meal is like what am I eating on death row? Like if I'm going to die. Yeah, I'm still thinking about like a hearty. Like a Thanksgiving family meal. Yeah. Okay, here we go. The main course.

A5 Wagyu ribeye. Yeah. From fucking Kagoshima. You know, you get that thing fucking flown in a helicopter from Japan. Hokkaido region. Top fucking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All the way. They get a supply drop on a parachute. I just write in my fucking bag. I just think it's funny. It's coming in on a Chinook. Yeah. Who knows? Ribeye side dish. One.

mac and cheese. Damn. You're kicking ass right now, but you're also sort of just grabbing a bowl meal. And side dish number two.

truffle fries number four number four number four wagyu tacos and number number five truffle mash truffle mash and then you gotta get yourself uh what else is there that they they serve you know flaws there you get a smoke show too yeah you get a smoke show yeah

You said this was an American Thanksgiving meal and you've listed about nothing. This is an incredible meal that he's describing right now. An incredible meal, but not a Thanksgiving meal. Fucking french fries, mac and cheese with lobster in it from Maine. Fine. The cow can be from America. It could be a Wagyu cow from the US. Yeah. And that's a very American meal right there, Joe Bartolosi. What are you doing for your Thanksgiving meal? Yeah.

Main course, if I'm going really... Ideally, I would love steaks, but I feel like that's not... When I was at that Friendsgiving and we were eating steaks, I was like, this isn't Thanksgiving. It was great. It wasn't Thanksgiving. You need a big, big, big fucking piece of meat that you're going to... One dude's going to be sawing at for like two hours. Yeah. Right? So instead of turkey...

I'm going ham, right? I'm going to smoked ham. One of those big ones. It's just glistening glazed. Oh, it looks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just something sweet, you know. Something fucked up. And then that's the meat, right? Side dish. One of my favorite vegetables. I'm going green beans with bacon, right? Green beans, bacon, garlic mixed in. Really nice. Give me a bit of the bacon. Yeah. Yeah.

Obviously the mac and cheese. I feel like that's a staple, but not like base mac and cheese, like the one with the nice crust on top where you scoop into it. Yeah. It's like one of your aunts makes it and you're like, damn. Yeah. You know, biscuits.

obviously you got to have some sort of bread yeah biscuits yeah uh and then i'd go probably probably that uh marshmallow sweet potato you know where it's like the sweet potato with the the little yeah what it smoked marshmallow on top yeah yeah that's i don't know i feel like i i would love to have other things like that's not my ideal meal but i would say for thanksgiving

that's really what I'm, I feel like I would walk into that and be like, this is a Thanksgiving meal. Yeah. Right. But I feel like you're, I'm not dissing yours. I think yours is a better meal, but I think if I walk into your Thanksgiving and you're serving Wagyu truffle fries, I'm going to go, what are we doing? Fucking restaurant? Like, as this isn't,

Like this isn't homemade, but hey, dude I mean even if you got a shit your fucking brains out you get a nice bidet - like no. Yeah, it's a good night Good night. I think that mine might hit a middle zone because as I said before it would just be about the meats kind of scenario So there'd be kind of like a selection, but I think a really well cooked chicken like we're talking perfect

Not like, you know how chicken can be in either direction? You never had a bite of a chicken where you're like, this is so perfectly moist. This is the perfect chicken. Yeah, every time I go to Popeye's or KFC. No, not talking about that, Joe. Yeah, every time I bite into a nice fried chicken bucket. I'm not talking about a fried chicken. I'm talking about a grilled chicken with like a whole chicken. A whole chicken, like a roasted chicken. How are you cooking the chicken? Well.

No, but how? Like what method? Excellently done. But like oven, rotisserie, are you smoking it? We are cooking this chicken the best way. And then... All right, so that's up for grabs. We're doing it the best. We've done it the best anyone's ever done it. We're inventing new ways to make this chicken in order to achieve this. Maybe smoked chicken. Smoked. Okay. Low and slow.

And then... Please. Yes, please. And then we're getting some brisket going on. We are getting some... I'd love some truffle mac. I think that that would be excellent. I think that some...

some crispy Brussels sprouts would be very good. I love Brussels sprouts. Yes. I love them. With a little spice. A little spice. Look, I think both you guys have had misses. You with the green beans. I'm not even done. I'm not even done. You had no vegetables. I have not eaten a vegetable in years.

That's not... Do I look like I eat vegetables, dude? Do you eat fruits? Do you eat anything that's colorful? No. That's not food dyed. Most of the things I eat have legs. You don't eat any vegetables or fruit? None? You can't name any? Most of the time. Apples, watermelon, pineapple, berries. You don't even eat berries? Yeah, you want to eat a strawberry or a blueberry? Yeah.

And like a Pop-Tart, maybe. God, are you shit? They're not in there. Okay. That's just a flavor. That's just a flavor. They're not even in there, man. How are you shitting four times a day? I feel like you'd be like pooping out a brick. No, but that's the thing. I know when I can feel like even the tiniest shit, and then I, you know. Like a bear. Yeah. No, but they eat vegetables. They eat plants. Okay. Fine. Fine.

I don't believe... You don't eat anything that grows... Do you eat anything that grows out of the ground? Like potato? You like potatoes? Because it's got fucking dirt on it. You like potatoes?

But that's a starch. Yeah, I guess I eat potatoes. I guess potatoes are probably the only fruit or vegetable I've eaten. They're neither. It's a starch. Many years. Oh, okay, great. Dude, he's cooking you right now. I'm sorry. I'm not being cooked. I know this is a podcast. It's a fucking olive wagyu on my cast iron pot. I feel like you should start eating more vegetables. Why? Why?

This is an intervention now. Just a health thing. You just only eat carbs and meat. That's the only thing you eat. What's your dinner or lunch? What are you eating? Chicken. That's it? Sometimes you're out to dinner and you're just eating chicken. Rice. Okay, so carbs.

That's a plant. Well, he's got seaweed because he has sushi. Oh, sushi. You like sushi? Yeah. But I don't eat seaweed. I like the nigiri pieces. What? You don't like the normal sushi? You're avoiding the seaweed? Yeah. I don't like plants. He gets the crispy rice, the deep fried one. Fry the rice, you know, put some spicy tuna. It's the least healthy version of sushi. Do you by chance know what your blood pressure is? High.

Okay. Hi. Yeah. I mean, even if I did eat healthy, it'd be high. My family have all died of heart attacks. Well, I would choose. I would say then you should probably, you know, even more play on the safe side. Okay, bro. And then I get what? Like a couple months extra? A couple months? What the fuck do I care? When was the last time you ate a vegetable? I'm talking about a couple decades, man. It's been a while. It's been a while. That's all I'll say. Can you remember the last time you ate something green that wasn't food colored?

Like a salad? Like lettuce? No.

I don't like salad, but like peas. I used to get I used to get salads from a salad place, but on DoorDash is just so expensive. But you have a seven hundred dollar per day. Thirty fucking bucks to get us to get a salad delivered. I'm like, OK, you know, McDonald's has like three dollar. Or you could just just buy a head of lettuce at a fucking grocery store for like three bucks. I'm not walking into a grocery store. I'll get a line of people trying to take my photo. You can get you can do Instacart.

The only Instacart ahead of lettuce. Okay, before we... I want to hear what Tucker's ideal Thanksgiving thing is, though. Did you have one in mind, Tucker?

I liked a lot. I liked yours and Joe's. I didn't really vibe with Schlatt's. Because I think it has to have some Thanksgiving to it. Yeah, like sit around a table. Yeah, like a brown sugar ham and some smoked chickens. I think it's your best meat option. I like the green beans with the bacon. You can't go wrong with green beans. I'm a mashed potato guy. Get my mom in there and make it mash.

Sweet potato whatever. That's no good. You don't like sweet potatoes. You don't like sweet potatoes? They're pretty hit or miss for me. Like I've had good ones and I've had bad ones. But for like mashed potatoes, it's pretty rare. I think some sweet potato fries tossed in some salt and pepper. Oh, I'd go baby red potatoes. I'd go baby red roasted potatoes, little bite-sized ones. God, dude. Yeah, like in the oven? I love those. I haven't had anything today for food and I am... Starving. This is driving me. It's like, I'm like, oh man.

- Man, fuck! - You know what's fucked up about this, Ted? You live so close to Boa, you could have my ideal meal. - I go to Boa every now and then, like on my own. Not like on my own, like I'll bring-- - By yourself? - No, no, not on my own. But if a friend's in town visiting, like, I mean like in this fall at some point, my friend Katie, one of my best friends from college, Katie was in town, I took her to Boa. It's usually like where I take, like if I have a friend that's close enough that's in town,

I will bring them to Bala. Yeah, bro. That's the one thing I miss about Los Angeles. Shlatt, what do you have in your fridge? Dude, Joey's like concerned for you. I'm like, yeah, I'm like really concerned now. He's not going to let this go. What do you have in your fridge? There's not much, admittedly. Gamer sups. No, that's powder, so you don't need to have that in the fridge. He got you there.

Sometimes I'll keep, what's the fucking leaf that you put on? Bay leaf? Parsley, basil, spinach. Might be parsley. I think it's parsley.

You just have that. Yeah, I get parsley because then you put that on top of the ribeye when you like right. I just imagine opening your fridge and it's just that like pale white light and just like ketchup and then beer. And then no, no beer. And then maybe like a like just old DoorDash.

that just hasn't been eaten in weeks. Yeah, like just fucking takeout boxes and you're like, I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this. A Denny's Grand Slam just sitting in the back right. Just a collection of old sauces that you're saving from. There's a wine shop. There is a thing of Chick-fil-A sauce in there. So you got me there. There's probably some non-salt butter. Okay. There's parsley. Eggs? Eggs?

No, don't really need those. Do you get most of your meals by delivery? No. So you go out and get most of your meals? No. Oh, so you're just eating unsalted butter and Chick-fil-A sauce? No, the freezer is usually the one that I keep stocked. Oh, chicken tenders. Like Hot Pockets. Ooh, Hot Pockets? Dude, imagine if his fridge was just filled to the brim with just like Soylent.

Just so you'll or something. Yeah, you don't do that. I could just imagine your freezer just full of like 20 pepperoni pizza hot pockets. Well, it's funny you said the pepperoni pizza ones are the most shitty. They're the most shitty flavor. And I'm glad you brought that one up because the pepperoni pizza ones are the most structurally like.

Unsound hot pockets. Thinking about eating a hot pocket right now is making me nauseous, dude. Nauseous? What hot pocket are you eating? Ham and cheese, bro. Or sometimes, you know what? They have a breakfast one. I like the breakfast ones. Bro, they have the cheese and the egg and the little pepper ones, and there's some chicken in there with the pretzel crust, dude. You ever had the pretzel crust breakfast ones? Those are good. Just read the back of a hot pocket.

ingredient label, right? Like I actually, actually no, actually no. Right. I wish I was you right now. I wish I didn't care. Like I would just like, if I'm, if I want to eat something, I'm just like, ah, fuck it. And he just like, no, but I'll like, I'll eat. I'm the guy that's going to look at the back of an ingredient label and say not too much saturated fat and not, not eat it. Yeah. Mainly because I get high a lot and I fear heart disease. Um,

because we... See the difference? Yeah, Joe, the difference? I've already accepted it. You know? It runs in my family to such a degree. You're 23.

I'm 24 now. Oh, you're 24. I'm 24. And you know what? Most of my family. Oh, this is the, this is the very short period of time where we're a year, we're technically a year apart. And then I'm going to come January. I'm going to be two years. So Ted, um, let me tell you something that I think we should end the podcast on this note because it's, uh, it'll, it'll be a great way to end it. Um, most of my family members have died before 50 of a heart attack.

That's terrifying, dude. Yeah. Do you get tests for that? No. That's really scary. I don't even have a doctor. You don't have a doctor? No, I stopped going after I was too old for the pediatrician. So like 18? Well, actually, you could go to the pediatrician until you're 25. Yeah, until you're 25. Dude, I was going to a pediatrician until I left my hometown, a.k.a. 22. You can go there until you're off your parents' insurance, I'm pretty sure. Oh, okay.

Well, I mean, they're in New York. Yeah, but I'm just like... Even like Joe, if I wanted a new doctor, it'd be months in advance. Like the Texas healthcare system, just like there's not enough people. Yeah, but just go to a yearly... I go to the... Like I have skin cancer that runs in my family. I'll go to the dermatologist. Every time, lady goes, oh, no, no, no. And I go, what?

She'll point at a mole on my back. Just fucking scalp it off. Just scalp it off. Digs into my skin. I'll let you know in four weeks if you have cancer. I go. Then they tell me. You just feel like when you schedule an appointment, go get what? Why would I rather not know? I would have to deal with it.

Yeah, you do. You have to deal with it. You do it at a higher level. It'll get worse. This is why we're back to the allegory of the cave. This is some Plato shit. Joe Bartolozzi. I'm holding up. I got people holding up the fucking signs for me. I don't need it. I got shit.

How about this? You are the asshole, Joe. I'm the asshole? Maybe you're the asshole here. This feels, honestly, I will argue, Shled, that this feels ultimately very kind from Joe. He's showing a lot of concern for you right now. Did I ask? Damn, dude. Okay. All right.

We'll have a conversation once I'm off these schnapps. But I got about a fourth of the bottle left to go. All right? So let me polish this off. Yeah. Well, don't you... I mean, surely you have one more question for Joe. Because he didn't... I don't remember him answering the question we had last time. Joe, would you rather have unlimited bacon, no more games... Just shutting down, dude. Or...

And I'm going to state this very clearly because you didn't really give us a full answer last time. You didn't. You didn't. And Joe, you need to give us a full answer when you come on this podcast. Unlimited bacon, but no games. Unlimited bacon, but no games. Hold on. I didn't finish the question. I don't need to hear the other option. I didn't finish the question, Joe. I don't need to hear the other option. I know the other option. Joe, you didn't even know what he was going to say. Okay. Okay. It's been a year. And now I got to start again. And now I got to start again. Just ask again. Just ask again. Great. I got to start again now. All right.

A little drink break. Audio listeners love to death. You got to take a swig of the schnapps. Joe, would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more video games or games? Unlimited games, but no games. The bacon. The bacon. The unlimited bacon. The unlimited bacon because I just want the bacon. I mean, have you considered that there's no... Aren't you a streamer? Have you ever considered the bacon?

Well, Joe, you're a streamer. Your entire livelihood relies on your ability to play games. That's what I'm saying, Ted. I feel like Joe has probably streamed some games recently. But doesn't. What is this? It currently relies on games. But if I have unlimited bacon...

Now I no longer need the games. Why is that? Because I have unlimited bacon. So? I could use that to my advantage in whatever way I so please.

whether I want to open a bacon selling business, whether I want to maybe go into some sort of money laundering facility. Brother's not considering the law of supply and demand. If you have unlimited supply of something, you've basically squandered all the demand. If I have unlimited supply, if I have unlimited supply, if I have unlimited supply, it's going to be quite profitable for you, but maybe the next couple tons it'll get lower and lower, almost in a logarithmic sense. Let me tell you about the...

The diamond market. Okay. Okay. Fine. With your HyperX gamer red headset. Yep. If you control all the supply, right? Say I have unlimited bacon. Now I can undercut my competitors so low that I'm selling bacon for pennies on the pound.

They can't keep up with that, right? Because they have to kill their pigs. They have to get the bacon. Yeah, they got to kill their pigs. I don't need to get the bacon, right? I have unlimited bacon. It doesn't matter how bad the quality is. I'm selling bacon for so cheap that you can't deny the need for it. Once all of them go out of business, I ramp up the prices. Because now, not only do I have unlimited bacon...

But I also control the supply and therefore control the demand, just like the people in the diamond markets. I just foiled your question. I just foiled your question. Let me tell you something, Joe Bartolozzi. It was just that, Joe. You didn't foil anything. No, shut up, Ted. I'm giving it to him. I'm giving Joe the fucking W here. Not once in the history of Chuckle Sandwich have we had someone so capitalist that

That they are able to undermine the very foundation of this fucking question. Yeah. Do you understand? Joe, if this was the 1800s, you would be a fucking Rockefeller. Okay. That is the most robber baron fucking answer I've ever heard to this question. That's absurd. He's putting everyone out of business. And he's right. And he's right. And he's right.

Is this the first time? Am I? I think it's other than Eddie Burbeck sort of belligerently denying us. Pass, I don't care. Denying us the ability to even ask him the question. Yeah. I would say this is a pretty solid. And I think it was due to your absolute MLG freak out.

From the last time. From the last time where it seemed to have broken your brain. Well, because... Well, it seems like you got into your books. It seems like you dove into your studies. It was just two different... I didn't study for anything. This was just an off-the-cuff answer. But...

Last time I went with the method of trying to understand the question. This time I know that the question makes utterly no sense. That is not. So instead I fell into that. Well, hold on. That's a fucked up thing to say, Joe. Fuck that, dude. And let me tell, would it help if I repeated it to make it make sense in your mind? No, I don't need it. I already answered it. Joe, would you rather have unlimited bacon but no more games or more games? Unlimited bacon.

Okay, but see when he says it like that doesn't it not make sense? No, it make it makes sense, but it's um, okay Okay, it makes sense. All right, I'll give it. I'll give it to you. It makes sense. I took it I've got a question for you Yeah, because I don't I'm unsure if we asked did I ask you what part of the truffle sandwich you were last time? Do you recall that? I think you I think you did but I gave an answer That I believe you didn't like. Mm-hmm

No, I think I would have liked it. You know, I did scroll through the making the chuckle sandwich, and I didn't see the old Bartman's fucking answer on that one. Well, I would tell you what you did last time, but I think that Tucker made a list and then proceeded to delete the list. I believe I said sand. Yeah, and we put sand on it. Oh, we did. We did. Yeah.

Someone didn't actually watch the video. Oh, right. Yeah, you did say sand, didn't you? The sand that's like getting into the sandwich. Yeah, no, we put that. Tucker actually himself went outside, got sand. It was actually a little bit more effort than just going to the grocery store. We had to get bespoke sand to do that. And here you are coming onto our podcast right now.

essentially saying that we're a bunch of frauds and then also admitting that you did not give us your full retention on that episode of the podcast. I do seem to remember us putting sand in the sand. All right, I haven't finished the video. I haven't finished the video. Admittedly. Just watch it. If you'd like to add another ingredient to the chuckle sandwich, what would you add?

I get another ingredient. I get two. Yeah, I'll let you add another ingredient. For the next time we do it. The next time we do it. The next 100 episodes. Yeah, well, just, you know what? Since you're our first guest since the 100th episode. So, I'd say that. You're making a new sandwich? We'll make a new sandwich. So, I get the first pick? Yeah, you get first round pick. First draft round pick. Joe Bartolosi.

What are you doing? You're like diving into the fucking mainframe right now. A century egg. A century egg. A century egg? Oh, motherfucker. I'm done. I'm done, Ted. I'm actually just scooting away now. Do you know what a century egg is? It's like an egg that's like a century old. Well, they put it in a liquid to rapidly age the egg. And so they call it a century egg because it's...

feels as if it's aged a century. Do people eat that? Yes. Is it, like, gross? Yeah. Ed, we don't want to do this, okay? Maybe we retire this question. This is not a smart path to go down. Oh, Joe, this looks really weird.

Joe, this egg looks really strange. I'm telling you right now, we don't want to do this. Okay, I'll give you the pick. A balut egg or a century egg? What the fuck is a balut egg? It has a dead, I believe, a chicken fetus inside of it. Joe, why are you doing this? That's fucked up! Joe, we had you on our show. We showed you such care and joy, and now you're doing this to us? Joe, why would you do that?

Make it interesting, you know? What am I going to say? I would probably choose the century egg. The century egg doesn't look that bad. The century egg is also going to be fairly easy to get. The balut egg, you might have to source that. Yeah, it sounds like I've got to travel to fucking Slovakia to get that. Century egg, you could probably order it online. They look pretty foul, though. They don't really look like eggs. Yeah.

We should have retired this. We should have stopped after 100, Ted. We should have stopped after 100 because now our audience is never going to let us fucking look at this now. We're going to have to eat a fucking century egg. Well, just a slice. You'd have to just slice it up and put it on the sandwich. Century eggs were made around 600 years ago during the Ming Dynasty in China. You've never heard of them? You could Google some videos of people eating them. They're very fascinating. Yeah.

I think that, yeah, all right. A century egg is going on the chuckle sandwich. Part two. Motherfucker. It's going on there. Hey, Schlatt, think about it this way. We put it towards the center of the sandwich.

You're not going to taste it. You're not even going to. Oh, no, you can't. No, that's cheap. I didn't say anything, Joe. That was between me and you. Whatever you heard there was not for your ears. If you put it in the center of the sandwich and then don't even get up. Ideally, in the chuckle sandwich, you would get a one one fraction. Layer. Full layer of each. Yeah. Ted, this is fucked. This is fucked. You know, it comes after me about the vegetables.

I was trying to help you with the vegetables. Did I ask for help? No. Did I? Good. That's what I seem to remember, too. Well, Joe, it's been a pleasure. It's been so great to have you, man. It's been a pleasure having you on Chocolate Sandwich. You're one of our favorite guests. Oh, really? Yeah. Where can people find you?

Literally just Joe Bartolozzi on socials. I mean, I have a Joe Bart Games account on YouTube. Joe Bartolozzi. Joe Bartolozzi on TikTok. Literally just my name. Look up Joe Bart. Should come up. Those people know how to spell my last name. Thanks for joining us on this episode of Chocolate Sandwich Joe Bartolozzi. It was a great time. See you around, Joe. Bye, everybody.