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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.
yeah yeah it just it just yeah yeah you know when you've when you've when you've when you've put all your your guts into it when you've put all of your time into yeah into it you you blood and you sweat you blood and sweat and you sift through the bones of it all and that's about it yeah i mean if there was more to say then
maybe we would be here saying more, but we're not. Ted, if there's a homeless guy who jumps on your back, are you leaving him there or are you tossing him off? Like what? Leaving him there like a backpack? Yeah. Like he's going to join me on like... Yeah, a little adventure. I'm going to enter into a little state of mutualism with this homeless guy. You know, honestly, I feel like there's so many adventures to be had in that regard that I probably would keep him there. I'd probably, you know, maybe I'd twist his legs. Mm.
and kind of like try to shape him so he's... Yeah, the abdomen strap. Yeah, so he's kind of like a Jane's Sport backpack that I can wear him. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. You know that there's that one guy in India who has kept his hand in the air for like 50 years? Yeah, why did he do that? I saw that story the other day. Just a picture of a guy.
Drunk bed 90 chance drunk bra his arm was just completely drained of all energy It was just holding up there. You snap it like a twig Well, the bones are fused to so if even if he decided that yeah, the bones are fused like that That's why that's why people who are in a coma and stuff that they they move them occasionally because if you stay still like that for long enough, you're gonna you're gonna get you're gonna get stuck and
So yeah, no, I definitely think it was like a drunk bet though. He was like, I bet you can't hold up your arm for like a week or like two or like a month. And he'd be like, fuck you. I'm going to do it. He goes do it. Does it for a month. And he's like, all right, the bet's over. And he tries to move. Oh, fuck. It's fused. I've been fused. What an insane statement to come out of someone's mouth. Oh, fuck. It's fused.
I've been calcified. My arm. Then all his buddies line up and give him a high five. Yeah, yeah. And I think probably the worst part of that is that there's a pretty high chance
maybe in the 80 80 chance that that guy was right-handed and he had to relearn how to do his business oh oh poor you poor you you gotta relearn that fuck you get out of that dude you have no idea what it's like to be a lefty what a curve you have no idea no idea what it's like to be a lefty oh you're left-handed that's why it was a curveball okay so this was a pro left-handed thing i thought this was like uh i was like i just didn't expect you to to to go that route we
We've been left behind by society, okay? Yeah. We die earlier. Yeah. We come faster. There's a lot of propaganda against you guys. There's so many debuffs we get as left-handed. The nuns at my school would slap my hand with a ruler and say, not that hand. And I said, yes. That's horrifying. Yeah.
Is this a real thing that happened to you? They actually tried to... Miss Trunchbull, yes. Miss Trunchbull? Oh, my God. I didn't know you went to Matilda's school growing up. That's crazy. I did. I did go there. I did go there. Big fan. And so I assume that you also had pigtails growing up and she grabbed you by the pigtails and swung you around and threw you over the fence a couple times a week. Yeah, she smacked me in my ear too. Dude, I... For some part... There's a part of me. When it comes to watching Matilda...
is that there's a part of me deep down that kind of wishes that there was a teacher like that and I also had the knowledge to be like, this is wrong. You know, like a shower daydream where it's like you're fighting back against the powers that be. You know? I really wish that I was like a kid that age and I just fucking...
Start slicing at her ankles with a knife or something if she fucked with me. And everyone starts like clapping. Yeah, everyone starts clapping. They raise me up. They start singing songs and dancing and shit. I daydreamed not about me defeating the teacher, but it was more so about me defeating the school shooter.
Yeah, I think many a man. Yeah. This is like the Roman Empire for dudes, especially in America in high school. Everyone's thought about it. Every American. Yeah, every American's thought about it. Yeah, maybe American. That's even a thing that happens to people. But there's definitely like, especially when you're close to the door, when you're sitting close to the door in class and you're like,
hey someone comes in here i'm going i'm going for the gun you know you want and every every every guy has watched those videos when they were 13 of the how to properly disarm a pistol from someone perfectly choreographed in your head oh oh yeah oh yeah like you you die you're like this is what i'm gonna do and then you you like dive in and you're gonna like start you're gonna sneak up under him you're gonna do a little judo throw
Exactly, man. Yeah, no, I've thought about it. And I think that those thoughts were a thing for me in middle school, which is just not something a middle schooler should be having to think about. It's something that's crossing their mind. Yeah, probably not, but it was cool and manly. Oh, it was cool. You would have been the hero. I was coming into my house. Sometimes I'd sit by the door, Ted, and hope it happened. I would...
be we'd be given a under the bridge i'm gonna be i'm gonna be given a medal when i when i when i fucking take down the school shooter yeah no it'll be good you get the key to the you get the fucking key to the city you stopped it yeah yeah that's a man would hand you a comically large key i what i wouldn't give to be handed a comically large key by the mayor of the city and also what does that key do
- Opens every door in the city. - Yeah, is that like a, 'cause there's definitely doors that do that in terms, or keys that do that in terms of like maintenance. Like there's definitely maintenance keys that like you can open up, like you can like fucking collapse a bathroom stall with those fucking weird circular keys, you know what I'm talking about? - Yeah, dude, the last time the UPS, USPS worker came to my house, I stuck him up for his little universal key and I could get into any lockbox.
That is so true. That is probably the most valuable person to mug is a USPS person. Oh, yeah. That key fucking does anything. Anything you want. But no, I will say that the key to the city is probably just like a... It's just like a...
Fake it's like a I don't even know there's no way it doesn't do anything there's no way or kids and do anything or This giant key is a key to a giant door and we're not even talking about this They're not even talking about the city that you're living in they're talking about a door that leads to a special city and
For special cool people that save people and beat the crap out of school shooters. Who would be there? Everyone who's ever stopped a school shooter. But speaking of daydreaming about people doing bad things, you know, often...
We've gotten our listeners to daydream about the assholes of the world, a variety of assholes. And we recently did this maybe a little bit like fucking seven, six weeks ago or something like that, where we sent Tucker through the Internet. We've sent him on to Reddit, the the little I don't know, that fucking back corner of the Internet.
A little fucking old shoe in the internet. And he found us some more Am I the Asshole posts. Yeah, we get another Reddit episode, baby. Another Reddit episode, ladies and gentlemen. This is what it's all about, baby. And we're going to be judging these people with our superior knowledge and our superior set of morals. And yeah, I mean, Tucker, how was it this time going into Reddit?
As depraved as usual. Okay, that's good to hear. Well, then that means that we've got content today. We've got content. We've got content. So, yeah, Tucker, I suppose, take us away. I'm sure that in the time between the last one and this one, you've probably been working on your voice acting. And you've got a new microphone, too. Yeah, we've got the new mic. I'm really excited to see how this sounds. This better sound good. This better be a good story, man.
Okay, are you ready? Oh yeah. Okay, here's the title. Am I the asshole for requiring that guests change clothes before they sit on my furniture? Okay, here's the story. What an insane sentence. I love it. Okay. This is a throwaway. I'm a 20-year-old male and I live alone. I'm a very neat person. My mother kept our house pristine growing up and I helped her for as long as I can remember.
I recently moved out into my own place and something that I started thinking about was how many germs from outside we track into our houses. I always change out of my clothes as soon as I get home, but whenever I have guests, they don't. And I have no idea where they've been or what their clothes have been exposed to.
About a month ago, I bought a bunch of these clear disposable raincoats and I started telling people who I invited over that they could bring a fresh change of clothes to change into or wear one of the coats before they sit on my furniture. Yeah, no, you're fucking crazy, man. You're fucking crazy. Well, hold on, hold on. Let him finish. No, no, no, no. This person's clearly a psychopath. Well, there could be something else here that we're missing. You think there's a key ingredient that we're missing? I think there's some key to the city in this that we're missing here that could enlighten us.
I'll hold it. I'll hold it. But I'm biased already. Yeah, you're trying to hold it in, but he's turtling. He's turtling hard. I also offer to wash the clothes that they change out of if they want to. My girlfriend doesn't have a problem with this and started just leaving clothes at my place. My mom and my little sister have also been okay with this new rule.
But I invited a friend over yesterday. I told them about the closing before they came. And when they got here, they were surprised that I actually enforced it and said, "You've got to be fucking with me." I told them, "No, I'm serious," and then they left. They haven't been answering my messages either. I was talking to my mom about it, and she said it was pretty excessive and unreasonable to expect everybody to do it. I disagree, but I'm kind of double-guessing myself. Am I in the wrong here?
Yeah. Dude, Tucker, that ending. Well, can I just call attention to this remarkable voice acting worked on by Tucker there? That was excellent. And I actually, and I'd like all the chucklers to enter into the comments section, give Tucker a little bit of a clap, maybe a clap emoji, because that was great. Schlatt, take it away, baby boy. You're fucking crazy.
You're an insane, poorly adjusted human being. And I don't know what kind of fucking bubble. Was it the NBA bubble in 2020? Is that the environment you grew up in, man? Are you Spongebob with the suds and you have a fucking bubble? And your legs are filling up with your own pus and shit and fluid? Ew. What the fuck? And this is unrelated because I don't even think it's worth giving this guy the time of day.
You know those fucking people who put plastic over their couch? Like a protective layer of it. What the fuck is that about? I don't know. What the fuck is that about? Because it does ruin the...
purpose of the couch any of the i feel like i'm sitting in a fucking museum what the fuck you know plastic wrap on your couch it definitely gives american psycho vibes for sure in fact the clear raincoat in this instance somewhat gives american psycho vibes from this particular person because he puts on a clear raincoat in that scene where he chops the guy into fucking bits dude that's crazy that
That's crazy. This is an insane person. Psychopath. Psychopath. How are you an adult who has their own place and aren't adjusted well enough to understand why people wouldn't want to change their outfit, bring a change of clothes to your house? Yeah, this isn't really an acceptable boundary for someone to have. No. Because, you know, there's a difference between...
what a boundary is is like you don't want other people to do it to you but when you start enforcing something upon someone else that's not a boundary that's uh that's you trying to control them so it's like
this person is trying to like control anyone that enters their space. It's like you have to understand that people aren't going to want to hang out with you if you're doing that to them. Yeah, they'll just leave like that guy did. But look, I mean, the non-insane thing to do is to get rid of the rule and just protect your furniture.
Right? With the plastic wrap. Like, I think it's fucking stupid, but do that instead of make people change their clothes. That's absurd. But even the plastic wrap thing, am I off base here, Ted, with the plastic wrap around the couch? Dude, that's like keeping your wife a virgin just so she gets fucked by her second husband after you divorce. That's the purpose of that?
What? That's the purpose of that? Is you keep the wife aversion so she gets fucked later? Yeah. Because someone, I mean, once you die, right? I mean, like the couch goes to its second owner. Right. They're going to sit on it. They're going to fuck that couch. They're going to fuck that couch up. Yeah, they are going to fuck that couch. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean. Yeah. Yeah.
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Go to your happy price, Priceline. I get where you're coming from. The couch, the examples are sort of what's throwing me off a little bit, but I definitely think that the couch, the baseline thing of people putting plastic wrap on the couch, ridiculous. But you know what I think it is? I think that in terms of what the responses are going to be here, I'm feeling like it's going to be like people kind of being...
Understanding that this person is like this, but trying to kindly explain that they can't fucking do that shit to people because it's like...
I don't think this is like, oh, you're a fucking dick. I'm going to go come find you like it was with the mom in her 70s trying to make trying to make her son come home to take care of the kids. I think this is more like a hey, listen, this isn't how we do things in society. Like you got to understand that people are going to be friends with you if you're going to be doing that. They're not going to want to hang out with you. So, Tucker, what's like what is that? What's the top comment right now on this Reddit post? Like, what are they what are the people saying about this? OK, top comment of 44K likes.
44k? 1000? you're the asshole and need therapy I don't say that despairingly at all I sincerely think you would benefit from professional help damn yeah you see it's like people that's what I thought people were going to be like kind of like trying to recognize that this person doesn't exactly have the right perspective on how society is and like but also you know being like you are the asshole yeah and that's sort of the consensus across is it kind of similar to that across the board Tucker?
Yeah, yeah, it is. It's an asshole, an asshole post. An asshole in need of therapy. Yeah. My asshole needs therapy after what I did to it last night. Oh, oh my God.
You know, you can't just share shit like that. What? What, Ted? We're friends. We're friends. I don't want to hear about that. Ted. Ted. Don't keep saying my name like it's going to convince me. You'll like it. You'll like it, Ted. You'll like it. Don't even. There's something nice there. There's something nice in there. Such a clear shift in strategy after you were saying my name. You were like, listen to reason. You'll like it.
I don't like that. I speak the truth and some people don't like it. Oh, well, Tucker, give me give me give me the next. Am I the asshole? OK, this one I'm going to preface. I might struggle to read it because the person who wrote it, they're they're struggling. OK, it's not me. OK, here's the title. Am I the asshole for keeping my friend's bird in my freezer? Oh, OK.
My God. Okay. Okay. Here's the story. I had a friend living with me from the end of 22 to mid 23. When they moved in, they had a small bird with them. I can't remember how old she was exactly, but she wasn't old in comparison to her species lifespan.
She unfortunately died. Can I just say, when you start, when we're saying this wasn't that old compared to how long an average life of this creature would be, it seems like we're already setting ourselves up to not, this person very much so believes they are not the asshole. Oh, okay. I continue.
She unfortunately died a couple months into my friend staying with me. We found her dead at night and I didn't have a shovel, so initially that's why we didn't bury her immediately. So my friend wrapped her up and put her in the freezer until I could get a shovel so we could bury her. Well, the next day my friend told me that instead of burying her, they wanted to do some sort of taxidermy with her.
We have a friend who does taxidermy stuff, so that wasn't out of the ordinary suggestion. She just lives too far to drive with a dead bird and no cooler in my car with no AC. I'm also very ignorant when it comes to taxidermy, so that might not be the exact term, but for lack of a better one, taxidermy. It's been probably nine months of the bird being in my freezer. The friend has moved out now.
Here is the part where I might be the asshole. Me and this friend had a falling out, and in that falling out, I told them to basically come get their bird by a certain time or I'm going to bury her myself. The time frame was reasonable, in my opinion, especially since they knew when she was first put into the freezer. They said they would update me by a certain day within the time frame on what they wanted to do with the bird. Oh, interesting. This is taking a turn. That day passed with no word from them.
Then the timeframe I gave them ended again. No response. Fast forward to now, me and this friend don't talk but we have mutual friends still.
According to our mutual friends, they think that the bird is buried, which makes sense because that's what I said I would do. However, I have not buried the bird and she's still in my freezer. I'm not intentionally holding the dead bird hostage. I'm just not good with death and I am worried that if I bury her then something might dig her up and I don't want to deal with that. Oh my god. This is taking so many different turns for me. Oh my god. I also...
I also don't want to just throw her away because that feels worse to me. Our mutual friends are telling me to reach out and clarify that the bird is not buried and still in the freezer. I'm not 100% sure how to address this, but I'm open to advice. Am I the asshole? No. Surprisingly, I was... For some reason, I guess I had thought...
Based on the title at the beginning, and maybe that was intentional on Tucker's part, that this man had gotten pissed off by this bird and locked it in a freezer until it died a cold, icy death. Right. But now I'm realizing, no, this bird died and it's just been in the freezer for almost a year. And he keeps trying to get rid of this fucking iceberg, a dead iceberg. And the person is like ghosting them.
I guess the only category in which they could possibly be the asshole is that they didn't bury it when they said they would, but the person's also not responding and said they wanted to do taxidermy. So, like, I don't see any scenario in which I could feel like this person's the asshole. They're keeping a fucking dead bird in their freezer on behalf of, like, someone that doesn't even live with them anymore. I think he's being an asshole to the bird. The bird's dead. Let that thing be free. Oh, like return it to the circle of life.
Let it thaw out and be chomped on by a puma? I just throw... I mean, if it was me, the thing would be on the side of the house the day it died. On the side of the house? What do you mean? Like crucifying it on the side of the house? What are you talking about? No, Ted, I'm talking about in the fucking trash, Ted. Oh. I don't know why I thought you were going to crucify the bird, but it's... I'm not going to crucify the bird. I'm just not keeping a fucking dead bird in my freezer. That's where my...
first thing came to my mind was just, just early morning, 6 a.m. You hear the hammer and the pop.
Oh, I'm not. The camera pans over and slat one arm on the fucking side of the siding of the house. The other a big mallet and he is banging nails into the wings of the bird. And it's just got me all wrong. You've got me all wrong. I would never crucify a bird. What does it say? What does it say about you, slat? That that is what I thought rather than it being in the trash, though.
What does that say? It says, Ted, that you live in Los Angeles in an apartment. People aren't crucifying birds. And you're not a homeowner. You don't know that the trash goes on this side of the house. That's okay. Well, neither are you. Neither are you, asshole. Okay? So you don't know. Well, I live in a house. I live in a house, buddy. Fair. But maybe... I don't live in a fucking...
Urban. I do live in an urban sprawl. Actually, I don't know why. I don't know. I tried to get that one above. It's all falling apart there. It's because you don't want to live in urban sprawl. But I actually don't mind it. I don't mind it. Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of space for my cars and my gadgets and my gizmos. I don't know. Listeners out there, let us know if that seems like they kind of got to crucify a bird.
I wouldn't crucify a bird unless it had nailed a book full of bullshit to my door.
Like 95 bullet points of complete, utter horseshit, stupid gobbledygook. So you would only crucify a bird if the bird's name was Martin Luther? Yeah, I'd crucify Martin Luther if he popped up in front. If he showed up in bird form? Yeah. Okay. Even in human form, I'd do it. Okay. It'd be my duty. All right. He caused so much pain and suffering. Didn't he also shit?
Shit? Yeah. He probably did shit. No, no, no. He took a crap along with the fucking thesis. Didn't he take a crap on the doorstep? That sounds almost as revisionist as Protestantism itself. Well, you know what they say. If anyone causes them, these little ones, to stumble, it would be better if they had a large millstone hung over their head and be drowned in the depths of the sea. There you go, Ted. I like that you've memorized that. That means a lot to me.
Yeah. I think I got it wrong a little bit. A little bit, but your head's in the right spot. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's a really fucking funny bar. It is. That's fucking bars right there. That's the hardest shit they ever know. The fact that that is coming straight from the mouth of God is the most insane fucking psychotic shit I have ever heard. Dude, that's cool. That's like sick. I'm happy he said that. That's like fucking based. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, it's base. This is base god moment is Millstone drowning. Oh, yeah, I think he's being a dick to the bird, but I don't really mean like, dude, just like throw the thing out, man. Yeah, get rid of that, man. What are you doing? If they cared about taxidermying the bird, it would be taxidermied by now. This post was one of those posts that's written with...
It's more than 50% of the time there's no space after the period. There's no capital letters. And they use a lot of those 2008 texting things where they do acronyms. But they're not actually acronyms because you can't pronounce them. So that's why it was kind of hard to read. The consensus is that they're not the asshole, but everyone's kind of just confused about
On why they're struggling with this. This is a strange situation. Yeah. Yeah. That's unfortunate. I mean, yeah. NTA, but you and your friend, both are weirdos. If it was a European starling, it might have been like, okay. Might have been okay. I don't know what that is. It's an invasive bird. It's a highly invasive bird in North America. You'd recognize it probably. And if you don't recognize it now, you will.
And you can figure that out next week. That's my cryptic thing for you. For you personally. Nice. Cool. Okay. Do you guys want the next one? I'm warning you. There's going to be hundreds of frozen European starlings just littered all over his doorstep.
crucified to 95 thesis 95 theses each love it love it that's a nice meal right there that's a nice meal I'll be meal prepped for weeks yeah dude that's a good macro yeah the macros on that must be insane Tucker take it away for our next asshole all right title am I the asshole for turning off a video game that my son and his friends were playing yeah no here we go
My son had a sleepover with a few of his friends last night. They had gone swimming and played at the park before coming back to my house to play video games in the living room. I bought them a pizza to eat and was overwhelmed by the smell of 10 and 11 year old boy armpits. I told them to go put deodorant on and they said okay. I checked in with them a few minutes later and they still hadn't washed up. At that point they started to push back and said they didn't need it because they already had put some on last night.
I said, "Whatever deodorant they put on last night has gotten washed off at the pool, and you all spent the last hours running around in warm weather." I told them again to put some on. They still didn't put any on, so I turned off their video game. Apparently, they were just about to pass a difficult level before I turned it off, and they were very upset with me. My son later told me that I embarrassed him. I told him that I handled it the way I did because I wasn't getting their attention. Am I the asshole? No. It's your house.
Yeah, no, he's not. It's unfortunate, but those kids need to fucking wear deodorant. You know, maybe if they were just loud having a good time, that would be a little rude. But they lose points with the stink. You know, I'm starting to see that first guy's opinions here. It's starting to add up. It's starting to add up. You know, maybe they should have all changed clothes when they got into the house. I don't know.
I know. Who takes maxis with this stuff, man? And maybe they should have. Maybe they should have. Dude, there was a comment with 44,000 likes that told him to get therapy and that he was the asshole. But look, dude, people are smelly. They are smelly. But people just don't associate with people that are super smelly. Spain? They all smell. Everyone smells across the Atlantic. People wear deodorant. People wear deodorant on the...
In Europe, they do. A few of them do. I feel like this is a France-specific thing. This has got to be a France-specific thing. Maybe France. But I think my hatred is spreading. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Fine. I accept that. But in terms of the mom, this is a mom scenario, I don't really think she's that much of an asshole. I mean, maybe there's like, I mean, they're 10 and 11-year-olds. It's like they'll get over it.
And also like somewhat inconsequential for like, this is like a pretty normal mom thing to do. I don't know if it said that it was the mom. It sounded like a dad to me, but I don't, I don't know. I don't, I don't know. I would have just, I wouldn't have turned the game off. I would have just brought a fucking bottle of Axe Dark Temptation, just spray it on him.
Just lay it on them. Yeah, I don't know if it's that bad, though. I don't really think it's that bad. I mean, I think that maybe if I was like 15, I'd be like, that parent fucking sucks. But like now I'm like, okay, I mean. Right, it's probably like you were a terrible, terrible person and I'm calling CPS and I doxed you and I'm taking this kid away from you. Yeah, yeah, I think that maybe I'm past the age in which I would, I'm a little bit more on the parent side for this one, but you know.
Tucker? What'd they say, Tucker? Okay, here's the consensus. You're the asshole. They are kids. They do this sort of thing. You definitely embarrassed your son in front of his friends for a relatively minor issue. I will say it is a lesson they needed to learn. Being smelly as an adult is embarrassing. As an adult. Good to teach kids hygiene is important. And that has 15k upvotes. Whoa, shit. Were we in the wrong here, Schlatt? No.
I'm not raising a fucking iPad kid. No iPad in this story. I'm thinking about it now. There's a metaphorical one. I mean, I guess if the kids were in a different room, you can just go away. That's always an option. It is maybe a little bit imposing will upon the kids.
And maybe... It's my house! It's my house! But also, those aren't his kids. Like, other than his son, those aren't his kids. Like, he shouldn't be telling, like, other parents' kids to go put on deodorant and stuff. That's like something you just save later and be like, yeah, he was a little stinky, wasn't he? You say that to your partner later on, and these kids were fucking stinky. But, you know, I think that, like...
You wait until the sun is alone and be like, hey, put some deodorant on you, you smell like fucking shit. And then go into another room and let them fucking do their thing. Tucker, what's your thoughts? I want to hear your thoughts on this whole thing. I think that the parent is wrong. I think if you're going to have a kid when they're a middle schooler, they're going to stink.
And that's kind of normal. Why would you get so bent out of shape about that when they're friends over there playing freaking Dark Souls and one of them is about to beat the boss and you come in and you're like, nope! Like, what an ass. Yeah, no, if it was Dark Souls...
That changes everything. The game changes it. Oh, yeah. If it was, like, I mean, it could have been anything. It could have been an episode. It could have been a fucking Mario game. It could have been a fucking Telltale game. And it's like, it sounds like the dudes, the kids played outside all day. They were swimming all day. They just had a pizza. Now they're inside playing some video games. Like, that sounds like a good day. It sounds like a perfect day, honestly. That's a perfect day. That's a great day. You're going to be like, damn, dude, we had so much fun today. And also, how recent was this? This post? Let me check.
It was three months ago. Yeah. I would say even now more than ever, it's probably harder to get kids to go outside and do shit like outside. Like it's, it's like, you know, cause there's so much inside you can fucking do. You can be gaming all the time. You can fall into the gaming world a little bit too early. But you know, if these kids are going to the park, they're going swimming and shit, they're having a good time.
You know, that's a major buzzkill to a cool day. You switched up, Ted. You switched up. Stand by it. You switched up. You're different now. No, no, no. I'm just open to hearing other opinions and, you know, thinking about the context of it. I'm close-minded. And let me tell you something. Well, at least you're open-minded about the fact that you're close-minded. Something in my house smells like shit, I take care of it. Put that in your pipe and suck on it. Where'd you get that chicken tender?
Howdy listeners, love you to death. Shlatt just brought a little piece of chicken came out of nowhere and went into Shlatt's mouth. Now he's chewing mad. Okay, fine. But I'm pissed. You want to do the next one? Yeah. Alright, here we go. Title, Am I the Asshole for Not Letting My Girlfriend Eat the Naan Bread We Ordered? Here's the story.
My girlfriend and I got takeout from an Indian restaurant we like in order from usually when our budget allows us. This place is really the only good Indian place anywhere near us, but it is very pricey. And so we try to keep our order small. One entree for me, one entree for her, and a side of naan bread that we share. The thing is, the side of bread isn't very much, and the entree just isn't the same without it. So it seriously annoys me when she eats the bread without dipping it in her curry.
It's such a waste of the little bread we get. That is a waste of the little bread. You got to dip that shit in the curry. That's where it's good. That tomato sauce. Oh, baby. I told her this before, but she says it's not my concern how she eats her food. Except it is my concern because she's wasting a shared side. Whatever. I let it go each time. This time she didn't order curry like she usually does. She got, I'm probably going to botch this. She got biryani, rice and meat.
So I was happy that I would get the bread to myself. While we're eating, she reaches over for the bread and eats a piece on its own. I got annoyed and I moved the bread away from her and told her that she doesn't need the bread since she isn't eating curry and doesn't need the bread whereas I'm eating a curry so I do need the bread. Also, her entree comes with rice and she can eat that. She got offended and ended up threatening not to pay her share for the food next time.
She also called me a greedy asshole and took her food and ate the rest in our bedroom. Am I the asshole? Tucker, that was the best one you've ever done. That was a good reading. That was my favorite reading you've ever done. I was really feeling that one in here, dude. Dude, you were feeling that one big time. And it sounds like there's a potential that this happened to you and you're reading something that you wrote on Google Drive. No, no, I'm not reading off Google Drive. I can prove it. Okay.
No, that was incredible. I mean, the, the, just the flow, everything. I mean, that one, that one part flowed really well, didn't it? Yeah. It was like, it was like bars, dude. You were, you were like, I was getting worried. I was going to fuck it up too. No, it was, it felt like, it felt like slam poetry. Yeah. Yeah. It did feel good. Um, you, okay. All right.
all right yeah tucker's glowing right now i love it dude am i is it crazy to think that you that that doesn't warrant being called a greedy asshole by your partner you're not you're not crazy they're both assholes i don't i don't know calling someone a greedy asshole because of the fucking non-brother order more but non-bread dude
Split the bread down the fucking middle. What is this bullshit? If he's struggling so much with the non-bread rationing, then order double the non-bread. It's probably like $3 more. And then you solve it, dude. If you're already ordering food, you're already locked into spending more money than you usually do if you were making food at home. So you might as well just spend the three extra dollars to reduce any sort of problems you could have with your partner.
End of story. Who's getting upset? What relationship is getting upset over this? To begin with, this is absurd. Split the fucking bread down the middle. There's also a weird aspect to like, he's clearly got a very specific opinion on how non-bread should be consumed that she doesn't share. And I don't know if he's like the standing authority on how to consume non-bread. Like,
Right? I mean, yeah. Yeah. I think he's got a very good life. It could be a lot worse. I will tell you, though, I mean, the non-bread isn't a requirement. If you get if you if you've got basmati rice with curry and you put that stuff in and it slops it up and you got the whole beautiful slop going, you're
You know, you don't necessarily need the naan bread, but there is a lot of high advantages to taking a little bit of naan bread, cupping it, and then making like a little curry rice chicken taco thing. I'm speaking specifically about like butter chicken or like, or tikka masala or something like that. But yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it's, this is a tough one. This is like, um, no, he's an asshole. Well,
This is just weird. Like figure out a system to split the bread. Don't be petty over it. This is your girlfriend. This is somewhat similar to the like, this is, this could fall into the category of like, maybe you're not totally in the wrong, but you are an asshole. Yeah. Yeah.
You know, this is kind of like this is kind of like the no, I'm hungry. So I'm going to eat it. No, well, they split the bread. Usually he knows she doesn't eat it the way he likes, which is literally of no concern to him anyways. So let her have her fair share of the bread anyway. Split it down the fucking middle. Yeah, no, that would say so. Rip it in half and dividend divvy it out. This is fucking stupid. Well, he it's his issue. Well, you got to understand. Yeah.
What? I was about to sneeze. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought you were just getting overwhelmed with emotion. He... If he just understands that like...
There is an inherent agreement to the like, it seems like he wants to control the way like he's got these he's got these theories and he's got like he's like in the school of thought where he's like, you got to eat it this way. Like he's the kind of guy he's the kind of guy that would like look at somebody eating some traditional bone in wings and like get on their case for like the quality in which they're consuming it. They'd be like, you can't do it like you got to you got to twist the bone and then you got to get a suck on it through your teeth and go like that.
So I feel like this guy's probably closer to being the asshole. It's a little bit controlling of him, it feels like. Like she should be able to have her non-bread. They're also splitting the cost. Yeah. Oh, they're splitting the cost. That changes everything. Oh, no, she has every right to the fucking non-bread. She has every right to that non-bread. Fuck this guy. He's the asshole. End of story. Decisive.
decisive yeah what do you think tucker what's the what's the what's the uh what's the consensus what's the top comment am i gonna be surprised okay top comment you are a gigantic asshole boom you don't get to decide for someone how they eat their food you're splitting the bill she gets to eat some bread regardless of if you think it's being wasted as eaten go say you're sorry before you're single asshole
boom mic drop dude there you go fuck yeah there you go yeah no that was uh that was pretty cut and right all right here's the title am i the asshole for telling my son he has to wear clothes there's a story yes my son male 19 it's like it starts off it starts off and it's like sorry for interrupting but it starts off and like we're in a nudist community
And then that's like throws the whole logic of it for a loop. Go, go ahead, Tucker. Sorry. My son, male 19 loves to just wear underwear in his room for whatever reason. He'll throw on a shirt and pants. If he has to step out to go to the bathroom, come to the kitchen, talk to anybody, et cetera. But otherwise he's just in his underwear. I male 48 told him multiple times that I dislike this and that he has to wear clothes in case his mom or I have to come into his room.
He says that if we start knocking, he'll throw something on and it'll be okay. I told him he still has to wear clothes and then he made another excuse and said it was too hot. In the summer, I tend to set the thermostat to around 85 or 87 to save money. What the fuck? No, no, no, no. What the fuck? No. What the fuck? I was on his side until that. Oh my God.
I turn it down to around 80, 82 once the sun goes down because then it takes less energy. Oh my god! He says that it makes him sweat when he's just sitting around not doing anything and I rejoin by saying, "If it's so hot, go spend a couple hours outside, see if it still feels hot." We live in Oklahoma and it routinely gets up to 100 in the summers. He rolled his eyes at this and we just kept arguing. I'm wondering now if I'm the asshole.
Yes! Yes, dude! Keep your fucking thermostat at 68 degrees and don't change it. That's God's number right there. 68 degrees on the thermostat. 68. That's a little chilly for me. What are you talking about? That's a little chilly for me. Oh my God, your fucking bill must be astronomical. You kidding me? What do you mean? Bro, I would save money if that was a little...
You save money for the higher it is. 68 is the God's... What? I told you his math's fucked up. Your math is entirely in the wrong direction here. No. Yes. Yes. You just said to me... 68 degrees, baby. Yeah. And I said, that's too chilly for me. And you said your electric bill's going to be through the... Ted, it's hotter out there. Harder to make house cool. Harder make house cold.
Easy or make house warm? I have an explanation. Okay. My thermostat logic comes from exclusively growing up in Massachusetts. Oh, yeah. Fair. Yeah, because you pay for the heat. And so I escape once again into the hills. You got off scot-free. In Massachusetts, when it's hot outside. No, Tucker, don't say anything. I don't remember you being spoken to there.
Yeah, I am hitting my word allotment for this episode. That is true. This is the one scenario that I can prevent Tucker from coming in with some banger that puts me on the ropes again. Dude, dude, I was on his side until the thermostat. The title of the post should be, Am I the Asshole? I Keep My House at 90 Degrees.
Am I the asshole for heat torturing my son and being confused why he walks around in all underwear when he is like... Dude, the house is a sauna. You've kept your house to the temperature of a sauna and...
You know, maybe that's what the Swedish like to do, and maybe it's a Swedish family. I don't know. Oklahoma. So you're not. You know, this is wrong what you're doing. This is shameful. This is how to get put in a house when you're older.
This is just one of those things. This is how you get put in a house and they drop that temperature low in that house. You will be freezing in that house and you will be old and you will be withering. You will look like a fucking Dark Souls character when you are in that fucking home. Hollow. Hollow.
You will be hollow. You will be named the wretched one and you will be quivering around. You will look like that weird baby fetus dragon thing that you fight in Dark Souls 3. I don't know what he's talking about, guys. Uncultured. That's like the king, the shamed king or something like that, Tucker. Oh, yeah. Dude, that's a good one. He talks the whole time to himself the whole time you're killing him. Yeah, no, he's fucking freaky.
Yeah, that's a great boss fight. Let's not get into that. What's the top comment say? Top comment is, you're the asshole. Huge one. One, he's not naked around the house. Two, why do you actually care? Three, 87 degrees in the summer. That's torturous.
Four, your ridiculous temperature requirements are the reason he's wearing only underwear in the first damn place. You want him to get dressed? Keep the house a humane temperature. Yeah, that's a great phrase to use. That is not a humane temperature. That is like literally fucking like breaking international law by having your house at that high of a temperature. That is insane. I remember when I was my...
grandmother's sister, also known as my, I guess my grand aunt. I don't know. What do you call that? What do you call it? What is your grandmother's sister? Great aunt. Great aunt. Great aunt. Bobby. Great aunt. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. We call her aunt Bobby. She would keep her house temperature at 75. And I remember that being like, Oh, it's a little, a little warm. Yeah. That's uncomfortable. A little warm in here, but it wasn't bad. It was something I could deal with. And it was just, you know, it was just warm in there, but
87 degrees, a full 12 degrees higher than my late Aunt Bobbie's house. That's insane. Yeah, that's... Because at Aunt Bobbie's, she had little chocolates in the things. I remember those chocolates being soft because it was warm in there. Ted, that might even be... The heat might be on if you're setting it that high in Oklahoma. My AC died the other day.
And for about a week, I had to suffer in a house with 105 degree heat in Austin. And the house would get into the high 80s with nothing running. So the heat might be on to get it that high. The heat might be on to get it that high in Oklahoma. That's what I'm saying. That's a manual. He said it there. He's like, I want it at 87. It's a very specific number. He's like, he wants it there. Yeah.
Yeah, it's absurd. That's as if you... That's a number that will haunt this person. It's unlivable. It's completely unlivable. And you're getting put in a home. Dude, this is one of those, am I the assholes, where I'm hoping that people are figuring out where they live, they're contacting the electric company just to cut them off or something like that. This person needs to be saved. This is like they're in a POW camp and they're being tortured. This is fucking terrifying. Yeah.
Yeah. So yeah, definitely, definitely the asshole there. I think we have about enough time for about one more. Yeah, sure. So Tucker,
You got choose the best one you can think of. Just blow our socks off. Oh, dude, I don't think it's going to we're going to be able to top the non bread one. That one was pretty funny. Or, you know, dude, the 87 degrees one was such a fun. Like, I was like, why is this kid wearing underwear? Oh, well, maybe maybe that's maybe that's like some maybe he's doing something that's like maybe that's weird. Maybe he's like dancing around doing some fucking dirty dancing around the fucking room and shit. Like, no, no, no, no. It's 87 degrees in that house.
It just, everything lined up so perfectly, which just made sense. Yeah, but take it away, Tucker. Okay, we'll go with this whenever you're ready. Dude, that's nice. I like that. Okay, title. Am I the asshole for making the same food for the whole week and refusing to change it up? Here's the story. Okay. I live with my boyfriend and I have been meal prepping. It has been wonderful. I learned I am fine eating the same thing in a week, but...
And it actually saves me money. This week, I'm having salads for lunch. And yesterday, I made a lot of spicy chicken that I will use for quesadillas and maybe nachos until Thursday. That sounds fucking awesome. The problem is my boyfriend hates it. He gets sick of eating it after one or two days. He comes home from work really late also, so him cooking isn't great for it. I told him the quesadilla plan we got. What the...
I told him the quesadilla plan and we got into an argument. He called me inconsiderate for making the same meal every day. Am I the asshole? No. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. Oh, no. Buddy's got to make his own food. Oh, my God. He's probably sitting there gaming cheese. It's all over his fucking chest.
beard-grown-out fucking Shane Dawson-looking ass looking over to her and being like, I don't want chicken for the fourth night in a row. It's not even chicken. It's like, oh, quesadillas again. Yeah, like quesadillas are like one of God's gifts to the human race, and this guy is complaining about the fact that his...
girlfriend not even him made it for him and he had to eat it a fourth time like dude you're oh oh what a fucking he doesn't know how good he has it what a fucking brat oh my god i hope he she fucking leaves him and then he's and he's like doesn't and he just fucking goes broke or fucking dies or yeah i hope this guy fucking dies i hope he gets hit by a truck i hope i hope this guy gets hit by a truck no it's not ironic enough i hope he starves right
Oh, yeah. That would be ironic. Yeah, that would be like a little, that'd be like a Mother Goose tale. You know, that'd be like a tale from Mother Goose. I don't. You know, like a tale from, that'd be like a tale from Mother Goose. What's Mother Goose? Mother Goose, she knows all the nursery rhymes. Oh. And it's also what a little child called Phyllis in the office. There once was a man named Ted. He shot himself and now he's dead. He, I don't know.
I guess that was kind of over after the second line. I don't know. How could I even? I thought you were going to go for it. There was once a man named Ted. He shot himself in the head. Oh, blood poured out. A big red spout. Now Ted is dead. He bled and he bled and he bled. And now little old Ted is dead. Is this a nursery rhyme or a limerick? Um,
Man, come on. What are you doing? You think we fucking know that shit? Yeah, it's a limerick. Yeah, it's a limerick. You can't just decide it's a limerick. That was a limerick. Is that how limericks are? That was a limerick. Why? Why? Because it was a humorous, frequently bawdy verse of three long and two short lines. Oh. Limerick. Some limericks are nursery rhymes, but not all nursery rhymes are limericks. So would you rather speak only in limericks or riddles? Limericks.
limericks man yeah i kind of feel like the limerick one is funny too yeah and you can say things yeah you can say you can say things no you can barely you can barely you can barely you can barely say
Sorry. Sorry. Your lead up to a sneeze is so interesting. You give off the energy of a confused old man who's got dementia when you are about to... You're like... Dude, sneezes fuck with me. I get really stuffy after it and then I blow my nose and then whenever I blow my nose, I have to sneeze again. It's like a terrible cycle. Yeah.
We have time for another one. Wait, what did people say? What was the top comment? Top comment. Not the asshole. He can make his own food if he doesn't like what you made. That's how it works. Boom. Roasted. Got him. Nice. We have time for another. Let's do another. Am I the asshole for snapping at someone and saying we are not petting your fucking dog? Okay. Here's the story. This clearly needs context.
Wife and I went to a brewery restaurant. Where I'm at, it's nearly impossible to find a non-dog friendly patio. Also where I'm at, anywhere that serves food is not allowed dogs indoors. So because of these things, my wife and I always sit indoors. Neither of us like dogs. At this restaurant, the hostess stand and waiting area are outdoors. We check in and have to wait for a bit. In this time, a lady comes in with her large dog.
A few people swoon right away at how cute the dog is, including the lady next to us and the owner lets the dog approach. They get to talking and the dog approaches me. I tell the lady, no, thank you. And my wife and I move and get in line for a drink.
Of course, the lady with the dog a few moments later gets in line behind us. Her dog starts licking the back of my wife's leg. She jumps a mile high and moves away. She tells me what happened as I didn't catch it initially. I tell the lady, we are not petting your fucking dog. Kindly keep it away from us. I left it at that.
Am I the asshole?
No, fuck that dog. Who takes a dog to a dinner? Dude, that was kind of epic the way that you said, am I the asshole? You're like, am I the asshole? Who the hell? What are you taking a dog to a fucking restaurant for? That's ridiculous. You live in a clown world. This is probably some liberal hellhole. There are people that have service dogs, but a servant dog wouldn't do this. Probably some liberal hellhole. You're probably living in Portland, Oregon.
You're probably living in Los Angeles. Yeah. You're probably living in, I don't know. Do you say Seattle? You're probably living in Seattle. There you go. What the fuck? What the fuck? There you go. No, no. I mean, people need to get their fucking dogs in line, man. Yeah, I mean. I don't want some shit, piece of shit thing licking on me.
That's what my husband does. That's what my husband's supposed to do. Not a dog. Licking on me. Licking on you. Licking on my legs. Fuck that. My husband was supposed to be there later. No one's allowed to lick your legs unless it's the husband.
After that, listen, there's nothing wrong with the little wine and dine in 69 afterwards. But now there's going to be fucking dog spittle on my wife's legs as I'm trying to get in there. She's got to go home. She's got to wash her legs. She's got to wash off. She's got to change clothes. I'm going to turn off her game because she smells like dog.
Uh-huh. She smells like dog and she went in the pool and she's been running around all day. And you know what? Now she's not getting my naan bread either. She's not getting the naan bread because if you've got smelly dog calves that I can't get my lick on, then I'm shutting your game off and I'm taking your naan bread and I'm putting you in the freezer and I'm not burying you. You're staying in that freezer for months.
And the second you get out, you'll thaw immediately because this house is going to be 95 degrees. 95 degrees. Yeah, no, this... I would say that this person is maybe like... I don't know. It's like...
They're not in the wrong holy, but they're kind of a dick to be so annoying about it. They need to take a PR class, but I mean... Yeah, maybe take a PR class. It's relevant in their right to tell a dog to fuck off. The owner has to look after the fucking dog. Yeah, it's not like the dog was humping them, though, and the owner wasn't doing it. It was maybe a little lick coming in. Keep your dog away from other people. Waiting in a line with the dog. Take my dog to the restaurant. Fuck that. Who would ever...
Who would ever? You're weird if you take your dog, your regular dog. I'm a little bit back and forth on this, but I don't really like the way that the person was like, get your fucking dog away from me. You fucking prick. I'm not going to touch your dog. He turns around immediately, starts foaming at the mouth. We're not touching your fucking dog. I'm taking the fucking dog off. What did people say about it? Top comment.
Great self-esteem.
when she was little and is still afraid of that breed. There are also people who are allergic to dogs and people who see dogs as working animals, not pets. The lady who owned the dog is an asshole for assuming everyone would want affection from her dog.
Yeah, I mean, like, yeah, she definitely needs to. It's probably a new dog owner at the end of the day. Like if she's like, yeah, everyone's going to love my fucking dog. Because there's people there's there's people who lived on my street growing up that they weren't in. Like when I was walking my dog growing up, there would be they did not want anything to do with that dog. They got like freaked out by it.
Some people don't like dogs. Yeah. Where the fuck do you live that you have to eat indoors because every restaurant in your area just has people bringing their dogs around? They do kind of frame it like they're under assault from the dogs. Like they do kind of frame it like, like they just cannot for the life of them escape these fucking dogs. And they're just getting like descended upon by the, like, like they're still wolves or something. Um, but,
But yeah, no, they're not. They're totally the asshole. I mean, they deserve to not be, you know, pooched on or smooched on by some pooches. It's like bringing your fucking baby to a movie. What the fuck? Your dog to a restaurant? It happens, Tucker. You seem like you didn't believe it happens, but it does. I've never seen that happen. Never seen that happen.
I'd scoff at anyone who decided to do that shit around this neighborhood. I think that any child from zero to like three should not be in a movie theater because those shits are going to talk. Once they get that voice, they'll be like, what's happening? But yeah, no, I understand. I understand that perspective from that asshole determination. But Chucklers...
It's about that time. If you're listening, you better let us know in the comments what you thought about these. And if we made, you know, I kind of switched it up several times because I'm a sucker for the public opinion. You got to stay true to how you really feel, baby.
Yeah. Captain always sinks with a ship. Well, I'm also open to changing my opinion. That's also an important thing. No. Never. Never change your opinions. Okay. And never grow as humans. I don't know if we... Okay, fine. I'll let you say that. That's my message to the world today. My message to... Goodbye. But let us know what you think in the comments, Chucklers, if you like it.
If you didn't like it, what are our determinations of morals here? But thanks for watching another Reddit episode. You guys seem to like the last one. And we'll, I don't know, next time you see us, maybe we'll be like somewhere else. Who knows? Who knows? Sucking each other off. Jerking each other off in person. Jerking each other off and sucking each other off in person. Maybe. Who knows? Who do you think's more well-endowed? Huh? Like who's got a larger cock? Never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Okay, bye. Shouldn't ask that.
