AustinShow was Scammed in Amsterdam 01:14:52

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I don't have a very big penis. I mean, it's a good size. Why would you offer that up to us? Well, no, like it's, no, no. Let me rephrase that. Okay. It's above average. Okay. It's a grower, not a shower. And so in this state that I'm in now, I'm not hard. Wow.

Okay. Thanks for clarifying. Yeah. And in this state, I can wear pants like this and be totally comfortable. Now it's sort of a we're wondering what's going on down there. Oh, you want to know how big my penis is? Well, what's average? Yeah. What is average? To me, a solid six inches is average. But I will say I'm above average, thankfully. Are you above average, Ted? I believe I am above average. I don't know.

I'm getting some stuff out of here. This has never been seen before. Is that crazy? Everybody is above average? I mean, here's the thing. I swear, I promise. I'll show you. Okay. Yeah. Mountainous Venus you have. Does it curve? Oh, yeah, it curves. Mine does, too. Which way? Right on three. One, two, three. Left. Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.

This is the first podcast I'm admitting this in the presence of two very heterosexual males. Very what heterosexual? Very beautiful. Thank you. Then I think I'm actually a little too gay. You think you're too gay? I think I'm too much. I'm leaning too much into it. I think I need to lean out a little bit. What does too gay look like to you? I just talk about it too much. Well, I talk about it a lot as well. I think about it a lot. Being gay? It doesn't swing me one way or the other. No, I know.

No, certainly. No, I never got the impression from you that you were a homosexual. Even when your dick was in my mouth. Wow. Okay. Because you can't knock someone for trying something out. You give people three tries to figure out whether or not that's the case. Three strikes and you're out. Three strikes and you're out. Everybody knows the rule. Three strikes and you're out of the closet. That's what they say. You think it would take three to fully understand? No.

Are you looking for less or more in this question? I'm just gauging. Okay. Wait, so I think if you're trying it three times, there's something there. Yeah. I think that very often when you try it the first time, if you've gotten to the point where you are trying it, that's already saying something. And then if you're getting to the point where after the first time, you're like, well, hold on, let me try this two more times. Well, you know what they say when your parents are trying to get you to try a new food.

I don't think your parents are ever trying to get you to try to suck cock. How are you ever going to know if you like it though? How are you ever going to know if it's nice? I mean, you got a point. I mean, I think that, but if you're trying it three times, you're trying it till you like it. Oh yeah, three times is, three times is some definite interest there. That means you enjoyed it at least one of the three times and you're going for it. Or it's like, or there's some sort of

situation where you feel compelled to like as if it's you're trying it in the same way that you're trying to like enjoy vegetables or you're trying to really get yourself to enjoy it like convince yourself which I don't know if that's possible do you think you can convince yourself

Into enjoying that I feel like a you know, that is something that I think a lot of gay people have tried But in the context of being straight for many years and I don't think that I think that's called being in the closet I tried it for many years. Really? How long how long how long was I straight for? Well, how long were you were you in the closet for I suppose is that appropriate to ask? Yeah, you can't offend me Ted. I mean I could try but I like you That'd be interesting to see if you could offend me

I don't know. I mean, you're so freaking comfortable with everything that comes your way that it's like... It's hard. You know what? I actually do know a way to offend him right now. Ready for this? No, no, no, no. You were like a little stinky at the Streamer Awards this year. Okay. You were a little... There was like this air, this smell that was coming off of you. That would offend me. There was the stinky shirt saga.

Have you heard about this? No. I bought a... I want to know what you think about this, Schlatt. Okay. I bought a outfit for the stream rewards. I spent $7,000 on it. Okay? You spent $7,000 on that shirt? No, not the shirt. Only the pants. The sparkly pants were, I think...

$3,000 and the shoes were $2,000 and then the shirt was like $800 or $900. The fact that you're inserting the word only into that sentence blows my mind. What do you mean? You said it was only... Ted, you must be new to this world, buddy. That's an average spend, I think. On one outfit? Oh yeah, of course. Okay, so I buy this outfit. That's like double my whole wardrobe. Yeah, no, look, it was the most I've ever spent on an outfit for the record. Okay.

So I'm not trying to rich shame you. No, no, you can't rich shame me. It's like, I can stink shame you. That's like white shaming me. You know what I mean? You got me. Yeah. Whoa. So I buy this outfit, 7,000 bucks. The shirt, I try it on. It smells like BO. What? You don't like, you don't. Bro, you. You don't like. You look like a mannequin.

Are you kidding me? I look good. What the fuck? What is that facial expression? What is that? I wasn't taking a photo. This was like a candid moment in an interview. Face up yourself in real life. I had makeup on, too. Looks like an avant-garde Dolce & Gabbana advertisement. I had makeup on. But you see that sparkly shirt? This is the shirt in question, okay? I do. Get a little zoom on that, Tucker, there. So I'll tell you.

So I put it on. It smelled like BO. You look so shocked. Right? And we bought it the day before the stream rewards. And I said, hey, look, I'll buy this shirt, but it reeks of BO. So some fucking animal tried this. Some beast. Some beast tried this shirt on and they reeked. Ah, jeez. And they reeked. And that left a smell on the shirt. So I said, I'll buy it, but you got to have it dry cleaned tonight.

And you told this to the people at the place? Yes. And I'll pick it up the next day. Well, I come to pick it up the next day. It fucking still reeks of BO. My God. So they're like, we can fix it. So they douse it in like industrial, so many industrialized cleaners, chemicals, and they get rid of the smell.

At an atomic level. Yes. But you know when you get rid of a smell and you know the smell is going to come back, like the natural scent of whatever it is. You can only mask something for so long. Well, this shirt, it masked it for a minute, but during the stream rewards, it started to come back. Ah.

And I was pissed. And so I... And I don't think I've ever seen you pissed like this either because I was also present at the Streamer Awards. And the way that I knew that Austin was furious about this is that I had stood up to go to the bathroom or something. And all of a sudden, I see Austin. He's walking. He's fucking pissed. And he goes, fuck! Fuck!

Fuck. I was just the middle of this like banquet hall. Like, and I'm like, I'm like, he's going by me. I'm like, Austin, what the fuck's wrong? He's like, Ted, man, this shirt, it stinks, man. This shirt fricking stinks and I'm pissed and I, and I never smell. I never smell. He looks at me in the eyes and I'm like, Ted, I never smell. No, it's true. It's true. Yeah. And then I gave it a whiff and it was like, it wasn't that bad.

But still, man, BO is like, if either of you smelled like BO, it would ruin my image of you. Rude. Yeah, I've met people that they smell like BO and it's just like, I can't think of them the same anymore.

What? And it's this special type of BO that's so bad, so bad, that you just are like, that person doesn't take care of themselves. It smells like a deli or something. Yeah. I just couldn't do it. And that, to me, was the deli. I just thought you would know that. Delis don't smell bad. Well, like, okay, sorry, an Italian sub sandwich. Yeah, like a certain kind of meat. It's just, ugh. You know? The meat sweats. The meat sweats. What do we smell like? You guys smell, I don't even smell you. Ted, you smell like a...

That is a very normal... You smell like a very generic cleaner that you'd get at Target. Okay, this is a pretty new article of clothing. It smells like... I do shop at Target, though. That's such a specific... What's the Clorox? The Tide Pods? Oxi Queen Tide Pods. It sounds like you use Tide laundry detergent, don't you? Yeah. That's what you smell like. Is there other...

Now, Schlatt has a... I like the way that you're coming up to us. You're kind of like you're burrowing into us as you're smelling. I have to get a good smell. I know, but it's the visual. Okay, so Ted, you smell like Target, which is good. It's a good smell. Schlatt, you have some pheromones mixed in there, right? And it's sexy. Come on, man. What's going on? Ted, you're sexy too. I should have worn my Tom Ford tobacco and vanilla. I smell like this great flavor of GamerSavs.

Wow. Yeah. Which is one of my favorite guacamole gamer fart 9000.

And you can use Coach Latt for 10% off on the site. You can. And not only that, it's coming through your pores and making you smell delicious. It's giving sort of like a pheromone scent. I didn't even pay him for this. Dude, you're winning so hard right now. I didn't even pay him for this. Dude, every time. Okay, well, riddle me this. Both of you smell great. There was one time that I was wearing my, I have a cologne that I wear. There was one time that I actually beckoned you and I said, hey, come smell me. And you were a fan of it when I had that on.

You're a sexy guy, Ted. Oh, thank you. Yeah. And you smell good. You smell good that time and you still smell good now. You have a neutral scent. I've got a neutral scent. Yeah, you have a neutral scent. You smell good. This is a good smell. You both smell good. Wow. Thank you. None of you smell. There are some people in this industry that don't smell good sometimes. You heard it here first, folks. This is not a smelly podcast studio. It ain't. Smell good. Do I smell all right? Should I? Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do. You smell. Yeah. He's got like a luxurious smell to him where it's like, okay, this bitch is expensive. It's like hotel soap and shampoo.

I'll take that. Honestly, I feel like it's... I feel like you're... Well, what type of hotel? Because, I mean, that's... Oh, five star. Five star. Okay, well, yeah, that's a different story, you know. Thank you, thank you. It's definitely... Yeah. You've got, like, a nice... You're, like, a nice room spray. Nice. Okay, I'll take that. I did put on cologne, but it must have faded. I wear... What's the cologne I wear? It's... It's... Shit. It's called Spice Bomb by...

I forget who it's by, but it's called Spice Bomb. It looks like a grenade. I thought you were going to say it's shit by John Mayer. I don't know if that's true or not. Me neither, I think, but it's kind of funny to think about. For context, for anybody that doesn't watch Fear End, there's a rumor that QD spread that John Mayer likes to watch women shit on glass tables as he sits under it. We don't know if it's true or not, but we're spreading it. Tucker, would you get on that?

Yeah, we'll see about that. Yeah, I mean, you're talking about spice bombs. Here's a truth bomb. Okay. You look absolutely fucking smacked in that photo. Like smacked? This is like the moment that all the drugs that you took like 45 minutes before are hitting you all at once. Or the flashback moment in That's So Raven. This moment, I'll tell you what happened in this moment. Hassan had, they had accused me of something.

It was like Hasan and I sleeping together or something. And then I looked into the camera and then ran off the set. And so that was captured. Ted, this is the face that you'd zoom into. That's a raven? You'd move into it with the camera and zoom out at the same time. Oh, a dolly zoom? Yeah. I don't know why this...

Of all the things from the event, this is the photo that was the most predominant. But I was wearing eyeliner. By the way, I couldn't get that fucking eyeliner off for like three days. Honestly, was that such a big deal though? I mean, I got compliments. I just looked like I was doing the walk of shame for several days after. Yeah.

Do you still have that outfit? I don't have the shirt. I gave the shirt back and I switched it out for a different shirt, but I still have the pants. Okay. And they're still folded in my suitcase. I haven't unpacked it. I just don't know. I'm never going to wear that glittery outfit like maybe to an event. It's just anywhere but L.A. This would look ridiculous. You can do a little strut down Rodeo Drive with that. Perhaps. And you know. Yeah.

Perhaps I could and and you know what thank God I don't have the shirt because I won't smell bad anymore because it the smell came back I had to return it. I didn't have my spice bomb. By the way, I wanted to tell you one thing about spice bomb It looks like a grenade. Okay, like you're yeah, and it got confiscated by air Yeah, oh, I suppose the bomb part of it. Yeah, so I took it to the UK and the security confiscated it They took the spice bomb. They took the spice bomb because it looked like a grenade. Oh

That's fucked up. And I was like, guys, come on. So you were like, but it's not actually a grenade. Yeah, I said it's not actually. And they're like, we know, but it looks like one. And so they just took it. You never got it back? No. I have a funny story about this. When we were making the flavor for titty milk, which is my GamerSupps flavor. In the GamerSupps labs. In the labs, they would send me little tiny packets of samples of

Like a white powder. Yeah, it's a white powder. You put it in the water and then you mix it up and it looks a little cummy. That's the whole point. And so at any given moment I'd be traveling around with these little baggies of white. Were they in the little Ziploc bags? They were Ziploc bags. Tiny little Ziploc bags. Exactly what you'd put cocaine in. Little bumpers. Not that I'd know. What's a bumper? I have no idea.

I just know bumper than miserable cat. I mean, I kind of made up the phrase just then, but if you were to do cocaine, it's like a little bit of it, it would be referred to as doing a bump. A little bump. Yeah, a bump of cocaine. And that's why I keep this pinky nail a little longer than the rest. Makes sense. That's how you get energized. Yeah. When titty milk isn't doing it for you, you just... Exactly. You switch right over. And it's good. You tested titty milk with... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

You lace. You ever done cocaine, Austin? Never. Do I look like a guy that does drugs? Yeah. I did it once in a video game.

Really? Yeah, I did once in a video game and it was like not, it was just not interesting to me at all because I realized very soon after that for someone with ADHD like me who takes stimulants every single day that are essentially a legal form of meth, trying cocaine in a video game is essentially just a shortened version of that and it sucks.

I've never even tried it in a video game. Really? Never. Never tried it. I'm terrified of it. Weed is the only drug that I do. Yeah, it is kind of scary too. So it was a lot of convincing that it had to be tried in a video game. You never know with all the shit that's on the streets these days. You never know what the hell's in it. Oh yeah, with like the fentanyl. I had fentanyl. In the last year, I believe, the authorities in the United States have confiscated enough fentanyl to kill every single woman and child and man in the United States. Kill everyone.

every single woman and child and man...

It sounds more intense when you, women, children, and men. Man, and everyone else as well. It's like when you hear everyone, you're just like, oh, okay. When you hear men, women, children. Yeah, it's a lot. It's like, including everyone? Yeah, I just think that there's so much more intensity when you say women and children because then there's like, there's some emergency going on. Yeah. So let me clarify. You did say that you've had it. You've had it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry I breezed past it. I had it in a surgical...

Surgical scenario. So I had a upper endoscopy where they stick a camera down your throat and look at your stomach. And they gave me fentanyl for that to relax my throat. And dude, they gave me 25 mics, okay? Which is like 25 milligrams is like would kill you. 25 mics is like whatever. How many mics is in a milligram? Like a thousand, right?

Something like that. It's a microgram. Yeah. A thousand mics are in one milligram. He says mics like he... Like I'm a doctor? Yeah. Well, I mean, that's what they told me. They said 25 mics. Wow. And I was like, so... Do we got a...

I don't know what Mike's is microgram microgram. Yeah, 25 micrograms probably like a Multiple of ten less than a milligram thousand. Yeah, yeah, so they give me 25 of them and it hits me and my entire body goes And like I can't breathe my whole body goes numb and then I blacked out that's kind of scary shit is not anything to fuck with you don't want to fuck with that shit and

I am never doing it. Well, I mean, it was surgery, but like... Is that what they normally use it for? Is it for medical... Yeah, that's what it's meant for. Knocking people out. Is that like an alternative to anesthesia? No, it's part of the anesthesia. So evidently it relaxes you in a way that other drugs can't. So they gave me pro-fetol. Maybe I've been given... I may have been given... What about Michael Jackson? You know, they kill... Michael Jackson used pro-fetol or whatever to sleep.

And that's what they use in surgery to put people out. He should use a bed next time. Yeah. Maybe if he's given another chance. You think he was sleeping standing up like a horse or something? No, he was in a bed. I feel like he didn't really know how to be a human sometimes. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. But no, he was sleeping in a bed when he died. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So he figured it out. He just never woke up. At least he didn't die on a toilet. Yeah. That would have been embarrassing. Would have been. So this, long story short, don't do fentanyl, kids. Yeah. I think I may have gotten it then because when I got my wisdom teeth out, they knocked me out for that. They probably didn't give you fentanyl for that. They gave you pro-fethol.

I'm a hypochondriac, so I know a lot about this weird medicine. Hypochondriac is like someone who is like, it's like you're, oh, you know, you have a slight little pain when you're breathing and you're like, oh shit, am I going to have a heart attack in an hour? Oh my God, it's heart disease. Oh my God, it's cancer. Yeah, it's just sort of a hyper sort of awareness of your health and being worried about it. You start looking like that. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's like you stub your toe and you're like,

Yeah. I have osteoporosis. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Yeah. There's like a very clear, reasonable explanation for why you're feeling like, like I'm feeling under the weather right now. So WebMD must really be like your kryptonite. Oh yeah. I mean, I go, I definitely look at WebMD a lot, but that's why I know a lot about medicine because of it, you know? So because I know all the names of the drugs, I could be a doctor. Why are you moving away from me? I'm not. Is it because I said I was feeling under the weather?

I'm fine, don't worry. You're not gonna get what I get. Trust me, your immune system is much more robust. - You're not gonna get what I get? - What I got. - Okay. - You're not gonna get what I got. You're indestructible. - There's something interesting that I feel like has been a topic in your existence as an online content creator.

And that is the, uh, the tamper and texture of your voice. Is that something you'd be comfortable talking about? Cause I think it's like just sort of like an interesting sort of scenario. Sounds like that. Cause, well, cause you have, I mean, it's one of those things where it's sort of a part and I've seen you talk about this on Twitter. It's sort of a part of your, your brand in many ways where, you know, you've got this, you've got this like raft of which I personally find to be very charming. I think, I think it's, it's, it's, you know, it's,

It's how I've always known you. But it is, it's, I suppose you could expand on it. It's something medical that you have. I'll tell you about it. I, so I've noticed this rasp has sort of gotten worse over the last several years. And I went to an ENT, so ears, nose, throat, and they stuck something up my nose to look at the back of my vocal cords. And they said, oh my gosh, you have a polyp, a polyp.

It can be cancerous. It can be benign. Thankfully, the polyp that I have is benign. So it's not...

It's not going to kill me. And I don't really know how to explain it too much, but it's basically just a growth. Basically, I caused some trauma to my vocal cords and they bled. And when it healed, it created like a polyp or a cyst, right? A very hard thing that obstructs

The air, I'm probably butchering this. Somebody in the comments is going to tell me. That's not how it is. This is starting to sound reasonable to me. But that's something that generally that's what it is. And so when I talk, I have this rasp. And so that it technically needs to be removed to get rid of the rasp. I could have surgery on it.

I'd have to go on vocal rest for a month. After that, I wouldn't have the rasp anymore. And I would sound like maybe I did, if you look back at videos of me maybe three years ago, well, depends on the video, but I would sound like not raspy anymore.

You were raspy three years ago. Yeah, so I probably had the problem. I think I'm more raspy now. So maybe, have you thought about where it may have originally come from? Because obviously when you're doing content stuff, I mean, when you were first doing your Love vs. Host as the rogular or whatever. Or host. Love or host. He's probably never had one. No. Like...

I feel like back then, I mean, you were... There was a period in which you were not visually... You hadn't face revealed or whatever. I'll tell you where it came from. And it wasn't from doing different voices. I was thinking it was yelling. Yeah, I did yell a lot. This is what I did. So have you ever heard of like a tick? Like a... I don't have Tourette's, but like a tick. Yeah. Like that? Yeah.

I've got, well not like that, but like I've gotten these little things and I've always had it. It's like the most like base level understanding of it. As a kid, I would have these ticks. Like I would like, what was it? Like my neck, I always go like this and like that. And again, it's not something that like really is too bad, but I got one in my throat and I would always go like this. I go.

Like that. Oh. And it got to a point where I would do it so... Audio listeners love you to death. He just like swallowed three times. Yeah, so I would do like... I would do that a lot. And I did it so much that it caused my throat to be like super sore. And I caused trauma to my vocal cords by doing that movement. And it was like a tick that I couldn't stop doing. Right. And that's what caused it. And part of the fear of doing the surgery is that the tick's going to come back and I'm going to like...

permanently damage my vocal cords while they're supposed to be healing. Right. Interesting. But also, that sets your voice. Yeah. It's kind of like a brand at this point. Do you think that at a certain point, the polyp could be... Is it still growing, or is it like... So, it's not... They said it could get worse. It could spread to the other vocal to compensate for the weaker vocal cord. I may have a second one. I have no idea. I haven't had a look at it in a minute. But they...

They said it's like not... You can live with it. They highly recommend it. I get it fixed. But you can live with it. It's not really going to get worse. It could... Like I said, it just could go to the other side. The only downside is I just lose my voice easily. Right. So...

So as a hypochondriac, as a self-proclaimed hypochondriac, how do you balance like in your head the pros of removing it as, you know, these doctors are saying that they highly recommend removing it versus like the cons of, you know, being on vocal rest or like the possibility of redeveloping another one? Like how does that...

What's your thought? Well, my hypochondria is pretty much rooted in like anything that's life threatening. So the fact that it's not life threatening, I don't really worry about it too much. If they were like, you're going to lose your voice permanently, I would be very scared and I would get it addressed. Right. But it's not like that's not the case. No, it's not the case. And they made it seem like you can do this whenever it's convenient for you. Gotcha. So they weren't like, you need to come in emergency surgery. This like, you know, Adele,

Didn't she have nodes? That's what she had. She had the exact same thing. Oh, so specifically. So is what you have similar to nodes? It's like a polyp node. It's a nodule. It's the same thing. Oh, I had always heard that. And I'm probably going to get butchered by doctors or fake doctors in the comments. Because, you know, when I was growing up, I did like the theater and singing and shit like that. And I remember always hearing about how like nodes was like, oh, that's the death of a singer kind

situation or something like that. I mean, Adele is still singing. Yeah, she still sounds great. But I guess it's like, maybe it's something along the lines of, Grammy award winning and platinum vocal artist Adele underwent vocal cord surgery on October 2011 to alleviate recurrent hemorrhaging caused by a benign polyp in her vocal cord. That's exactly what I have. Wow. Yep, yep. So I can't like, and I'm not a singer.

Oh yeah, you are. I mean, I can sing a little bit. I sang with you in a bar. I used to be able to sing so much better. I can't control my voice as much because I can't do a falsetto. I can't, you know, like I can't do what I used to do. And so that, for that it's frustrating, but also like I've created an iconic voice for myself and I kind of like it. I kind of like the rap. It's sexy. I love your voice. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Here's the thing though, that I would, if, if it's something that,

would dissuade your worries about your brand is that I you know the rasp is not the entirety of your voice so if it is something that you are interested in doing but the only reason you're not is because you feel like you'll lose some form of your identity on online I don't think that you should be too worried about that because I mean the timbre and the tone of your voice is not going to change no and you were you know doing it

and it's progressively the rest is increased over the years but I mean like

I just don't think it's going to... I'd be pissed. You'd be pissed? You'd be pissed if I lost it. Yeah. You would unfollow me. If you sounded healthy and like you didn't smoke a pack a day for 30 years, I would be a little upset. That's the only thing that bothers me, though, is when people say I... Like, they think I smoke cigarettes. That's fine. Smoking is cool. I can't smoke weed anymore. Why not? Because I lose my voice too quickly. Oh. I eat edibles. Do you drink at all?

Because I found that I lose my voice sometimes when I drink. I've been drinking more recently. You've been steadily increasing your consumption. I've been steadily, yes. And I didn't understand why people drank until recently. Really? Yeah. I've been getting so drunk recently. How old are you? 29. Okay. Or excuse me, 28. Sorry. You're excused. Thank you. I like always when I turn an age, I always think I'm the next one. Right. You don't think that like puffing on a cigarette is cool? Oh, it looks cool.

They had a point back in the day. It looks really cool. You ever seen The Outsiders? Coolest shit ever. No. The movie The Outsiders? Have you? You mean the book? There's a movie too. That was adapted to a movie.

Well, yeah, but the movie, I'm talking about the movie. Sure, yes, the book that everyone had to, a bunch of people in California had to read in high school or whatever. Oh, I had to read that shit too. You had to read that shit? Oh, yeah. I didn't have to read it. Tucker and I definitely didn't. Did you have to read the outside? Yeah. We didn't have to read The Outsiders of Massachusetts, but Shay was saying that she was obsessed with the story, but she showed me the movie recently, and there's this intro scene where there's this guy. It's about a bunch of, it's like two sides of this town where you got the greasers and the...

The freaking grimble the grim blow like kind of like the grim blows But they're like rich people and they're called like that begins with an S or something. I don't know I don't know they're like just basically the rich kids the preppy kids on on the other side and it intros with this main character guy who's like one of the leaders of these greasers and he's smoking a cigarette and he's like he's got like that kind of like face on where he's like

He's wearing the leather jacket and stuff. You'd probably think he's hot. It's cool as fuck. Probably. And, you know, that's that guy right there. Bring him back. Bring him back. Look at him. Oh, look at that. I mean, come on. That's cool. Come on. Look at that guy. He is an absolute fucking asshole, though, at the beginning of the movie. I mean, he is just straight up. Is that a woman? What's up? Is that Ponyboy? Could be the

Who's the guy? We're the guy that took the kids to the church to hide them out. Oh, no, that's not Ponyboy.

The problem is, is that cigarettes, if you could only look like that forever smoking cigarettes. Yeah, because then your teeth start falling out. Your teeth start to fall out. You start getting wrinkles. Yeah, you start looking like a, you start essentially turning into a corpse. Yes, quite literally. It just starts to look like shit. But so. Damn, does it look cool. It looks cool when you're young. Well, what if you start vaping instead? That's a good alternative, actually.

- It's a really good alternative. - It's a good alternative to get off of cigarettes, but I mean-- - Or to ease yourself in. - Right. - Do you smoke cigarettes? - No, but I think I would need some kind of like soft landing because this, I've tried, you know?

It's terrible. I took one hit of a cigarette on accident. On accident? Like, oh no, I fell into the cigarette. No! Oh no, it's so good. So anyway, in Amsterdam, right? You're either, you know,

somebody's passing you something that's usually a joint you're either smoking weed or you're hiring prostitutes exactly i was just you took the words right out of my mouth by the way i i did go to amsterdam and were you riding a bike really yes i wanted to experience it you did you hear what he just said okay he hired a prostitute in amsterdam well let me get to the cigarette then i'll tell you about the prostitute in amsterdam um i uh

Took a drag of it and it was... My lungs collapsed. I felt them collapsing and I just dropped it on the ground. I couldn't breathe. So I just can't imagine what it's like to actually smoke a pack a day. Yeah. I couldn't... I was like... It sucked all the air out of me. You were like...

those flashing images of those things they show you when you're in high school of like the black lungs. I was like, and I couldn't breathe. Weed is much smoother. Highly recommend it to anybody. Yeah, and I mean, and it's one of those things where it's, I mean, as, I mean, there are people that have like sort of a physical addiction to being high, but in general, I would say that weed is not addictive as nicotine is. Not as cool though. Not as cool though. I've read that nicotine is,

Pretty much as addictive as heroin. Yeah, but nicotine is the coolest looking drug by far by far I mean it yeah, it definitely is can't I mean you can't even you don't smoke no, I would never smoke No, it is definitely cool. Yeah in certain situation. You put on a leather jacket white shirt Greaser it fits. Anyway, I hired a prostitute in Amsterdam and

So I really wanted to experience what it was like to do something in the red light district. But I'm a gay guy. I don't really like women as much.

It's not really my thing. But you just don't like women in general? No, I mean, you know, I like women platonically. How do you feel about women being in positions of power in politics? You know, I think we could do without it. Oh, okay. No, I'm kidding. Of course, I think women are powerful. Women, I love women. I love powerful women. It's a very sexy thing to me. Not like sexy, sexual. It's just like a... Like Shiv Roy from Succession. You're all over the place. Right. Bitch. Am I?

How many tampons do you think a woman uses a day during their period? That is something that I have no idea. That is something that... Yeah, I want you to guess. I just want you to guess. I don't even live in that world. I know, which is why I think it would be funny if you guessed. Obviously, women have periods and it's beautiful, right? Well, that wasn't the question.

That wasn't the question of whether or not they existed. Do you believe in the existence of periodids? I do. I really do, and it's beautiful. It's good. Okay. It's so gorgeous. I'm not asking you to tell me that periods are gorgeous. They're bleeding out of the crotches. Yeah, but it's natural. Okay, but how many tampons do you think they use a day? I don't know. I'd say maybe two to three. Okay. Is that right?

He's not going to tell you. How the fuck do I know? I'm a dude. Well, I know, but you've been with women before. You know, that's why you asked. Yeah, I have a general idea. You know, that's why you asked. I have a general idea, but I like to keep it in the air. Obviously, I know women have periods, right? It's not something that is... I know. It just sort of feels like you... But I just... You didn't know. No, but it's just something that I never think about because I'm with men most of the time and I just don't think about it as like a thing. Why would you ever think about it? That's why it's a really funny question to ask a gay guy. Walking down the road...

How many tampons do women use? I wonder. It's so weird. It just doesn't enter my... Like, that's something you guys probably think about. No. No. Never. It's probably in your realm of thought because you guys have been with women before, right? You've been...

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- Maybe-- - I know I have. - Yeah, right? That's public, right? - Yes. - Okay, well, yeah, it's very public. So your girlfriend, right? - Yeah, me too, sucker. - She has-- - I've been-- - Well, let's not talk about it. I don't wanna talk about her specifically, but that's definitely a factor in your relationship that you gotta consider, right? - Flow? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I suppose. - No, that would not be a factor in mine. - Really? - Yeah, she starts talking to me about flow.

Not even rat flow? No. What is flow? The only flow I know is the progressive lady. Blood flow. Blood flow. Progressive. If she comes up in conversation, I'm also done. The only...

Because she's trying to sell me insurance. It's not really like the one-sided relationship. No, I'm done. I don't care about the tampons. Yeah, we don't. But how many a day? How many a day? Yeah. If I had to guess, I'd say three or four. I mean, it depends on flow. It depends on flow. Would you agree, Tucker, it depends on flow? Yeah, it depends on flow. Yeah, and you've got different types. You've got different types. You've got the Supermax. I mean, there are so many. Supermax? There's so many different names for the amount of suck some of these tampons have. That's an airplane model.

Look, it's beautiful. You've got the natural. And that's, I think, no one has ever claimed that that period no one has ever made an implication that you believe that periods are either not beautiful nor a natural. I just want to make it clear that women are queens and it's natural and beautiful. OK, I should be in positions of power. Mm hmm.

And we need to close the gender pay gap. Right, Shlatt? Excellent. You are killing it right now. You are killing it, dude. My audience is loving this. Yeah, I'm sure they are. Which is also your audience. But sorry, I pulled you away from your prostitutes. Yes. So I decided last time I was in Amsterdam that I was going to purchase some time in one of the windows.

But I couldn't do it alone, so I brought a friend with me. So they got like a slot thing. Yeah. Like you're checking out a room in the library. Yeah, so if you haven't been to Amsterdam, you walk through the red light district and there's girls in windows and when the red light's on, you can...

Oh, like a red light turns on. It's literally called the red light district because they're in windows with red lights. And when the red lights on and the curtains open, it's they're open for business. And you see you see they're like advertising themselves. Yeah, they're sitting. Yes, they're standing in the window and they're they're advertising themselves. They're propositioning themselves by just looking the way they look.

And so I decided, well, I'm going to take my friend who is also, yep, just like that. That's the way they look. This is actually, this is from Amsterdam. Oh, I know. It may have been one of the, is that a man in the window? That's a dude. That's got to be a dude. Nice. Wow. That's, I didn't, did not see those windows. But anyways, I, so I went with my friend and I was like, hey, let's, let's do it. Let's just go both go in there and see what happens.

And we go in and I say, how much? We just want to... We don't want to do any... We just... Tucker, change the tab. We don't want to... I didn't want to like have sex or do anything like that. What? I didn't want to do that. This is the first time I ever tell this story, by the way. And so I decided, I was like, here's 50 euros. That's what they charge. And I was like... 50 bucks? Yeah, I was just like, I'm with my friend. I really don't want to get my dick out. Like, I don't want to do anything...

Let's just let we were drunk. Let's just have fun and maybe we can touch your boobs. That was all I wanted to do. And we went in there and it was a whole bait and switch thing. They had us in there and they're like, oh, 100 euros more to touch the boobs. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. That is not what I paid for. That starts tracking for me, though, because 50 bucks like just doesn't I mean, but it doesn't seem like a.

It's prostitution. Shouldn't that be more men horny and desperate? It was 50 euros for 20 minutes, right? First of all, I didn't get my full 20 minutes. Whoa. Second of all, didn't get to touch any boobs. Whoa. They tried to upsell me. What'd you do? I barely, they just sat on, they literally got me in there and they tried to upsell me for more services. And I wasn't interested. I told them I was gay. They didn't believe me.

And I was like, I'm not interested. - What type of services were they trying to upsell you? - Like they wanted to give me a blow job. - And what's the base service? Because you didn't get anything. - Well, I just evidently 50 euros just gets you in the door. - Yeah, it's hanging, it's a cover charge. - It was so interesting to me because I was thinking, oh my God, they would love this 50 euros just to touch boobs. Like this is like the easiest money of their lives. But they wanted to like, maybe it's easier to just get them off and then get them out. And they were not interested.

in anything and so we just sat there and they kind of like just had an awkward conversation and I used the restroom and then I left. We both left and we didn't get anything. We didn't get to touch boobs, didn't get anything and we wasted all our money and forget, forget getting your money back. The customer service doesn't exist in those situations.

Yeah, it's a prostitution. What are you going to do? You're going to go on Twitter? This brothel really scammed me. I mean, I didn't, you know. Man, I paid $50 to touch boobs. They didn't even let me. What the fuck? Amsterdam's boobs and butts is the worst prostitution service that I've ever had. And then you get like an auto reply thing on Twitter where it's like, hi, Austin. Jerry here. Can you explain more about your problem? I got really pissed by this.

The big... Oh, man. This happened recently. But I wish I would have been able to tweet it because I couldn't get the picture. But you know those body scanners at the airport? Yeah, the ones that go... Yeah. I usually have pre-checks. I don't go through them. But this time, I got randomly selected to go through them. And the body scanner... It would have been such a good tweet, Ted. Yeah. Because the body scanner...

took a picture, you know how it shows where you have things, and it shows all the squares. All the squares were like, you can see them overlapping right on my crotch. And I was like, oh my God, that would have been such a good tweet. And you just caption it, got randomly selected for a pat down or something like that. And it's just my body was just like, just all the crotch. That's so funny. They would never let you take a photo of that though. Yeah, but what are they going to do? Hey, you can't do that. Whoops. You know what I mean? And then I have it.

And I'm running and they're running after me, but it's too late. What are they gonna do? I mean, come on. It's all theater anyway. They don't catch security theater. Yeah, so security. They don't catch shit. So you've got you've got pre-check. Yeah, and do you have do you ever try clear? I have clear too. You clear and pre-check? Mm-hmm. So how does that work? So you clear and then you go? Yeah, they're not they're not What's that word? We're mutually exclusive. You can have them both.

Do you have global entry? No. You should get global entry. I should. Next time I get a paycheck. Because when I was coming back from Ireland, it was like my mom has global entry and she just blew right through. I'm going to be honest with you. Global entry, which by the way, when you pay for global entry, you get pre-checked.

Global entry I think is is worth it maybe but like I've never really been in that long of a line Mostly because I'm usually flying business class and usually you get off the plane first and you're to this you're to the check Well, it's fine too because like the global entry isn't even like I was super complicated set up like when we were coming back from Ireland it was like my mom walked up to this little kiosk thing and it's literally a Logitech c920 with like a

just on a Dell laptop probably and she like put her face in it and then it was like welcome to the United States and then she was like oh okay and then she's like just breezed on by I like to talk to the border agents though

I don't think they like to talk to you. Yeah, they don't. But I like to chat. It makes me feel good. You like to chat. Do you have an inciting moment in which you were like, I need pre-check. I need all this shit. Like, was there just something like some nightmare situation? Several years ago, it's just such a pain in the ass to take your shoes off and get your laptop out of your bag. Okay.

You sound like such a brat right now. No, but hear me out. Ted, everybody in the non-pre-check line are like traveling for the first time. Right, all the dirty. Oh my God. No, no, they're not dirty. Poories, as you would call them. No, they're not dirty or poor. It has nothing to do with it. They're just lack of experience travelers. Right, but they're still beautiful and gorgeous. And they're just like, oh no, they're just beautiful, gorgeous, and natural. And they're natural. Their dirt is natural. They're just all the people that just like carry too much shit. It's like, did you think?

Like, why do you have four layers of jackets and your baby and your shoes? Yeah, why are you a child? Like, your buckled shoes. And it's like, you just... When you go through security, you should think about how it's going to be to remove all the articles of clothing that you're wearing. Do you know what I hate the most about security lines at the airport? How they keep fucking changing...

the machines. But they don't change all of the machines. So like, at any airport I've ever been to, it's like seven different types of machines. Oh, this one you don't have to take your shoes off. Oh, this one you do have to take your shoes off. Oh, this one has an automatic system where the fucking, like, trays will move and then like, and like you can barely, like, you have to kind of like shove your fucking shit in.

And everything, sometimes you've got to put it in the tray. Sometimes you don't have to put it in a tray and they're mad at you either way. Yeah. You don't know. Yeah. You don't have your shoes on. The TSA agents are yelling at you like you like you're an idiot. Schlatt is back. He's taking a big old. How was it?

It was good. I don't trust the bidet, though. Really? Yeah. Bidets are for you. I think one bidet should correspond to one person or two people at most. I don't trust a new remote device.

You view it as an intimate sort of... I don't know what the owner has set the bidet to. Right. What its calibration was. Exactly. I mean, what if that thing starts spraying out cold water? That'd be terrifying. I've had the cold water bidet before. I have a cold water bidet. I do too. You just get used to it. The one that I have is a really high water pressure. I don't know if you've tried it. Yeah, it was brutal. It's shocking. It was brutal. It's shocking, but I've gotten used to it.

And now I can say that, you know, I've got a loose asshole now. Oh, really? That's not how it works, Ted. Really? I apologize. I'm not a bottom, but that's not how it works. You don't use a bidet to prepare for... Oh, no, that would be good preparation, actually. You need to go deeper for that. You need an enema. No, no, no. The bidet goes... What do you, like, open it up? I don't know. I'm not a bottom.

I heard bottoms do enemas. They do. Yeah. What is, I mean, is this too gross to be talking about? Potentially. Okay. You just squirt, basically, TLDR, you squirt water up your butt. That's a bidet. No. No.

That's like knocking at the door. Yeah. Bidet is knocking at the door. Anima is entering the home and extracting. Yes. You're doing a full service. Home invasion. Okay. Home invasion. Okay. Yeah. Not necessarily. Well, it's funny because that sounds less like someone getting an anima and more like someone being physically forced into getting an anima as the home invasion version. Yeah. That sounds a little bit problematic. Yeah. Yeah.

I want to be clear about my prostitute story. Okay. Women are beautiful and everything was natural. And everything was natural. Okay. Really? Yeah. The boobs were natural. TLDR on the prostitute story. I just wanted to experience what it was like. All I wanted to do was touch boobs. They tried to upsell me on blowjobs and sex and all sorts of other things. Kind of sounds like you just walked into a convenience store but for prostitutes. Yes.

And that's what it was like in Amsterdam. And you know what? I respect their hustle and they're beautiful and natural and gorgeous. - Okay, thank you. I'm so glad that that is how you-- - And powerful. - And powerful, especially 'cause they were upselling you. I mean, they were on the grind set. - They were. - They knew what they were worth. - And you know what? They got 50 euros for five minutes of trying to convince me and when they knew that I was just not it, they sent me out and they're all queens and I'm not even complaining about it. - Yeah.

And they're beautiful and natural. I'm so glad that you are so not sour about this. Not at all. Yeah. Not at all. I didn't even ask for my money back. Really? You didn't? Are you lying to me? Positive. Okay. Didn't even ask to speak to the manager. You really, sort of a bold thing to say.

to attempt to speak to the manager of a prostitute. That just seems like a fast... I may have lost my life if that would have been the case. Well, I mean, it's legal in Amsterdam, is it not? It is, yeah, it's legal. Yeah, I don't think that there's... It's regulated and legal. There's a lot of things that probably go on that... I don't think that you're going to be having to go through like the... And I only know this because of the South Park episode, but the bottom bitch and then to the... Yeah. You...

start communicating with the pimp and getting shot or something. I don't think that that's going to happen. That's true. It's legal and it's regulated. I don't know the inner workings of it. I don't know too much about it. And it's natural. And it's natural and beautiful just like everything else that we discussed about women. Like Flo. It's great. Like Flo. Yes. Natural, beautiful. Whichever way it is. You know what you should have done? If you were just going to have a conversation with him, you should have asked questions about Flo and learned more about how beautiful and natural it was. I have this feeling that that would have been highly inappropriate.

With a prostitute? Do you think it would have been? Despite how natural and beautiful it would have been. Right. That's just a funny concept for like to say that there was like something that a prostitute would be like, no, this is kind of an inappropriate thing to be doing. This is not work talk. You know, I mean, they probably wouldn't have enjoyed it. If you just were like, I'm just like me. You could have just been like, I am a lost homosexual man and I need and I'm in search of answers and I'm willing to pay for those answers. I'm here for a health lesson.

Health lesson that's a good way. I'm a natural philosopher. Yes. I'm just doing an interview. I'm conducting an interview Yes, absolutely you think they have a Michelin Guide for brothels

A Michelin guide. In Amsterdam? Oh, have you ever been to a brothel? No. I've never been to one, but I heard about this place in Germany called Artemis. Wait, what is the difference? Is brothels... Brothels like where you go to like a house, like a facility. Oh, facility. There's women walking around, prostitutes walking around, and you can...

It's like a simulation. It's like a club with a bunch of doors. What's the stuff in the red light district? Those aren't brothels? No, you just kind of knock on the door and it's like a little bit more like of a...

Just like, hey, what do you want? What do you want? These are my services. Here we go. It's like the Newbury Street of Sex. Yeah, the brothel's almost like a... Think about it like a strip club, but everybody there is a prostitute, and you can proposition them, and you go upstairs and do your thing. It's a little bit more of a simulation. There's like a cover fee to get in. Right. And then... It's like... Is it like... Did it have like a bar or something? It's like a club. I've never been in one. I'm just hearing it. Oh, okay. But yeah. Yeah.

Interesting. Hmm. Yeah, so what is something that you've been working on? Lately that you are like the most excited about that like might be coming because this podcast this is our Must be our fourth podcast we filmed so it'll probably come out in about a month So if there's anything that's coming out over you or happening you in about a month then I would say You could talk about it now and it wouldn't be revealing anything sure well the thing I'm most excited about is name your price name your price is coming back and

I joined Misfits. And for people who don't know what Name Your Price is, what is that? Oh, great call. Name Your Price is a spoof of an old 70s game show. We dress up in...

70s get up and it's themed after the 70s instead of naming the prices of like I don't know an item from Best Buy it's all the things that we bought on Craigslist and eBay so just like crappy old used stuff and we play a game where we guess the prices of items as well as

You know, I don't really know how it works, to be honest with you, but it's fun. And you smoke little fake cigarettes? No, they're real. Have you been on Name Your Price? No. Yes. Yes. Yes, he has. You were on one of the early ones. Yeah, he tried. Back when we did it remotely. Right.

Right. Oh, we've been on Name and Price together. Yeah. You just didn't remember that? He's been on a couple. Well, honestly, it didn't seem like you remembered. Oh, you've been on a couple times. Yeah. Well, it didn't seem like you remembered that we were on together. No, I didn't. Okay. Totally did not remember that I was on that show. I tried to get a schlatt on the in-person one, but the company went up in flames before I could do that. Yeah, I did do the in-person. You did. And that was a blast.

I felt like, you know, there are some times when you go on like streams and stuff and there are days that you feel like, oh man, I was, the jokes were flowing and it was natural and beautiful. Yeah. And then there's other times when, you know, you're like, you know, I kind of felt a little awkward or weird. I,

I felt so good after that, Name Your Place. And honestly, Ali was great. He was fantastic. He was doing this Michael Jackson sort of, or like Jackson 5 era Michael Jackson sort of bit the whole time, and he improvised an entire song. No, it was a blast. You were a very drugged out news anchor. Yeah, I went the Will Ferrell. Yeah, there's Ted right there. There he is. There's Ted. Yeah.

There he is. I mean, it was... That looks like it's a... Yeah, the show's a lot of fun. It's loose. It's loosey-goosey. It's loosey-goosey. People can play characters and...

Just like that. Ted, you look great. Thank you. You look great. Yeah, no, it's just kind of fun to enter into that little character mode. Man, when it comes back, you've got to go on in person, man. I think you would kick ass, dude. Damn. Thanks, Ted. Checks in the mail, Ted. I mean, from what I've seen, Schlatt, you excel very well at going on these game shows and

Like I don't know what for what I've seen when you go on game shows like you always kick ass I think it would be and having said having you set up in the in the 70s attire I think that would be great. I think everyone loved that as long as I get to smoke during it You absolutely it's highly recommended. It's encouraged and honestly be offensive if you didn't yeah, that's what they told me there's this guy on tick-tock who's like maybe 20 mm-hmm, and he's just like really into smoking and

And he makes TikToks. Like cigarettes? Yeah. What's his name? Yeah, I have no idea. But he comes up on my feed all the time. And it's like him just reacting to different comments people leave in the previous videos. And he's like, he just responds to them. What are you smoking for Easter? I don't know. I mean, I might get a pack of Marlboro Reds. Dude, this sounds like something I would love to see, honestly. The algorithm chooses...

Based on what you like. Yeah, I you know, I it didn't it intrigues me He's yeah, he responds to hate comments - this is gonna kill you early. I don't care I love the way it feels like just unabashedly vouching for says he have like any sort of like regional accent or something No idea you could say no idea or no Okay, what does he sound like just a guy just like it is the American is he's probably American. I

Does he just have like an average American accent? Yeah. Like what I'm speaking with currently? I think so. We have natural American accents. You kind of have a new. Well, natural is an interesting way to put it. And normal and beautiful. Yeah. And normal. But we have like a very standard American accent. Yeah. I would call it definitely just the standard like general American accent. Like you're not starting to speak with a drawl or something like that. Like you're not walking around.

Schlatt's got a little New York twang. Acting like you're from Beaumont, Texas. Oh, yeah. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Like you say a few things and I'm like, you're from New York. Where are you from, Austin? I'm from Oregon. Born and raised in- Is there an Oregon accent? This. There's actually parts of like Southern Oregon that people have like a Southern twang. It's interesting. Oh, really? So Oregon is very liberal in like three places and the rest of the state is just like desert and-

Conservatives and like Confederate flags and that's most of America. Yeah Most states that's how it is in Washington - it's like Washington State. Yeah, Washington from Washington State. No, I'm from Massachusetts Oh, so I'm from actually furthest away you could get from What did you know about Washington are you from well, I've just driven through Washington and you're both from Massachusetts We went to high school together Cool

I've driven through eastern Washington. What the, what does that face make it? I'm just excited to listen. I know, but you like, Tucker went like this. He went, at me, and it was kind of scary.

We've driven through eastern Washington before and it is just nothing out there. It is just plains and not even fertile land. It's beautiful and natural, but it's sort of the in-between. It's everything after Montana if you're driving east to west.

You went to high school with Ted. What's it like to watch him grow up to be rich and famous? Oh, we all knew it was coming. Really? Yeah. He was the theater star. You were a theater star? I do. You're either going to be... Come on, man. What are you doing? When you're the theater star, you're going to grow up to be gay or rich and famous. And sometimes both. You must have been around a lot of gay people in theater. Oh, yeah. Plenty of gay people. I mean, they weren't... Some of them weren't out of the closet yet, but I mean... Because how old are you? How old am I? Yeah. I'm 25. Even when we were in high school, it was tough to...

Oh, yeah. No, that was still in the period of time where it was like, you know, you still had YouTubers releasing their coming out videos. Coming out, you know. I feel like it's still tough to be gay in high school. Yeah, but I feel like it was tougher when we were in high school. But it depends on what part of the country you're in, too. I mean, I wouldn't know. I mean, I'm neither gay nor still in high school. When did you graduate high school? It's still tough to be gay in general, but...

- When did you graduate high school? - When did I graduate high school? - Yeah.

- 2013, really? - Yeah, it's 29, eight. - 28. - You're not that much older than me, that's weird. - Yeah, but it feels like-- - Well, you would have been a senior when I was a freshman in high school, so that's interesting. - Yeah, but we're very close to the same age. Schlatt, I can't believe you're as much younger. - You're 23, yeah. - You are such an old soul. I was in Schlatt's car yesterday. Do people know what car you got?

He has a Lamborghini. He's a Lamborghini. He rented a... A Urus. A Urus, Lamborghini Urus. And I was listening to it. I was like, I heard this... Yeah. He had some music on from the 20s that he just listens to very casually. Really? And I was like, I thought it was a joke. I don't want to set the world on fire, honey. Yeah. I love you too much. Oh, well, that's just because he played Fallout. No, I never played Fallout.

I just want to start a great big flame in your heart. And I thought he was listening to it ironically, or unironically, but he was. It's got that little guy with the little voice, and he goes, I don't want to start a great big flame in your heart. Yeah, it can't be the 50s. This is like the 40s at least. Maybe 40s. Where were the ink spots around? The ink spots? I mean, you know, when...

I wonder what was the active period for the band The Ink Spots who made a lot of popular songs. The 30s and 40s? 30s and 40s. I'll tell you, but you're an old soul. You're even older soul than me. I mean, that's sort of what the whole fallout music period was, was the pre-microtransistor era of like, oh, hey, we're going to have fusion. Pre-microtransistor era of fusion? Yeah.

What the fuck did you just say? So the whole thing about Fallout is that it's a representation of what the future would be or the development of technology if the microtransistor was not invented. Microtransistor? Like microchips and stuff? Like the technology is all coil-based. Yeah, it's all vacuum tube robots. The screens in robots are vacuum tube-based stuff. What does this have to do with the Inkspots?

Because I'm talking about Fallout because the song that you just said is a very popular song in the Fallout soundtrack. Oh, I never played Fallout. You just listened to this music unironically. Yeah. Well, I play DayZ a lot and...

That's obviously great music. It's a similar vibe to what I guess Fallout is. So it's so funny. So you will walk through an apocalyptic wasteland while playing the ink spots and you found no connection in your... Because you'd never played Fallout before. I don't know what the fuck Fallout is. You don't know what it is. I've seen trailers. I've never seen a lick of gameplay. I've never experienced Fallout. Have you played Skyrim? No. I've watched Skyrim.

I'm concerned for you. I love classical music, but not that far back. I think you would like Fallout. I'm just putting that there before we put that good. I think you'd like it. Do you guys think I should start an OnlyFans? I think that it would do very well. Real question. Do you think I should start an OnlyFans? I would never go nude. You're already posting shirtless photos of yourself for free online. You might as well do it with an audience that's willing to pay you

To do that? You should do whichever service will give you a contract that has money attached already. You should do that. Yeah. Because OnlyFans is for cock. And if you don't have cock, you can go to one of the tamer options that will give you money to be there. I could never show my cock. Yeah. And you don't have to show your cock. No, I can never do that. I can never be nude. I could be very close to nude, but that's about it. Never be nude. Yeah.

But I want to do it. I'm not putting out a lot of content right now, so I want to do it when I'm putting out a lot of content because I don't want to make it seem like I'm not going to be doing content and going into doing some sort of lewd thing. Well, you could. You totally could. I think you absolutely could, and I think that it would help you answer a lot of questions in the minds of the world. I think I may do it because I'm at a point now in my life, I'm 28 now,

It's like, I don't know how many years of being... Yeah. You know what I mean? You got a couple more years in you. You got at least seven years of hotness left. 35, right? I'd say after that, I entered like a daddy era. Yeah, but then that lends itself to a whole other genre of content. It's very true. It's very true. I enter a new bracket. A new bracket. Yeah, a new bracket. I don't know. I just... I think I really...

You know why I kind of want to do it is because growing up, I was very insecure about my body. And I think now I'm not nearly as insecure as I was.

So it's like a celebration. It's like I'm finally... And also you make money. I've always... Yeah, that's true. I would never be doing it for the money. I'd be doing it for the passion. I would be a great manager for this page. Really? Yeah. What percentage would you take? I'd give you tips and tricks. At least 10, 15 maybe. Percent? Yeah. Wow. I'd plan out. I'd give you... We'd have a little shared Google calendar. I'm looking and there is like this unexplainable reflection of money signs in Shled's eyes right now. And I'd say... And I'd say...

Hey, here's what you have to do today. I love this. Today, Austin, at 9 a.m., you're going to take all your clothes off. Here's what you're going to do. And then it starts turning into a thing where, like, hey, my little beautiful flower. I love the idea that no matter what, if I do release an OnlyFans, I'm going to say you're my manager. Yeah.

That's fine. And you know what? I'll be in the weeds. You don't have to do a thing. You'll be pulling the strings. You take beautiful and natural photos of yourself at 9 a.m. right in front of that mirror, spread open maybe a little bit, leaning under. Yeah. And I will handle the rest of it. Perfect. I mean, I really will. I'll be in the messages. Perfect. So that's going to be in Photoshop taking your bowl, just going...

I'll be in the messages. In the liquify tool in Photoshop. Pretending to be you and I'll be flirting with them all day long. I guarantee it. I will do it so well. You'd be a great manager. Yeah. Have you guys ever taken mirror photos like the one that I took? Never. Really? Not even privately? I've never been at a place with my upper chest body, my torso, where I felt like I'm ripped. Have you ever sent a dick pic?

Honestly, maybe in my life, like maybe once and when it was like requested of me, not even on solicitor or anything like that. - Yeah, of course not, of course. Have you? - No. - I have when I was like 16. - Cool. - They were also 16. But I hate when people are like, "Whoa, they were 16." It's like I was also 16 at the time. I haven't done it since though. - Where are you going with this? - Austin, would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more games?

Or would you rather have games? Unlimited games. Unlimited games. And that's an important question. It's a very important question. I'd have probably unlimited games. Why? I don't. I love bacon, but I like games more. But you wouldn't have any.

Oh, like I would never have any more bacon ever again? No. Okay, I think he's missing it. I thought you were being totally clear, and I thought you were being crisp, and I thought it was cut and dry, but you might need another run through the question. Austin, would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more games, or games, unlimited games, but no games? I don't think you're being clear.

I don't think I started. So that's rich that you're saying that because I am totally, I've been under the impression that Schlesing, I mean, it's going in my ear, my brain's processing it. I'm like, ding, that makes sense. That's crystal. Do you guys do this where you just like say something really confusing? What are you screaming about? What's confusing? I'm very confused. I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. He's being cut and dry with his wording here. I mean, he is just, Tucker, this is a simple question. Am I being gaslit? You guys are fucking nuts. What is this?

We're nuts. You need me to say it again? Yeah. This is like asking what's one plus two. Say it with me. Would you rather have unlimited bacon or no bacon? But no video game. But no bacon. But no... When was that ever an option? You seem to be really... It's no bacon. Did you slip something in my water? What's going on?

Ted, have I ever said no bacon? Ever. I don't. You know, Shlatt. All right, fine. I'm racking my brain right now. I'm racking it. And I not. No, you haven't. Look, games and no games. Games with unlimited games. That's what I choose. You seem to be really misunderstanding what's going on here. And I'm going to allow Shlatt to say one more. I legit don't know what's going on. So, Austin, this is a time for you to be listening right now. Okay, I'm listening. Because you're actually starting to, like,

create some tension in the studio right now where we're like this is like something you need to understand and you need to like take well I just don't think that you're taking this seriously right now I'm taking it seriously it doesn't seem like you are because you're laughing you're like this is a this is a question that's like important to both of us and like you're our friend and I want you to like listen to Schlatt and like answer this question to the best of your ability without any fucking funny business man I just get so fucking pissed I know I know and I understand it I'm sorry man okay listen hey hey

You're beautiful and natural. Say it one more time. This is a beautiful and natural question, Austin, and I need you to field it for me. Okay. And look at him in the eyes when he says it, too. Would you rather have unlimited bacon but no more games or games? Unlimited games but no games. Answer the fucking question, you motherfucker. It's the most complicated question. I would rather have... Yeah? Yeah? What would you rather have, Austin? I'd rather have...

Answer the fucking goddamn question, Austin! I'd rather have unlimited games but no more games. Sweet. Great. Well, thank you so much, Austin, for coming on Chuckle Sandwich with us today. If you had to choose, what would you say your...

piece of the chuckle sandwich would be you can choose any condiment you want what is on the sandwich uh you know it's an ever-expanding sandwich if you had to choose your favorite condiment or or piece of sandwich what would it be he's the butt pieces i'm the butt piece of the bread that hold it all together and he's the mayo i was gonna be the fucking mayo we can add you could be an aioli you could be an aioli why'd you choose mayo

You know what? I'm the tomato. Yeah, we're throwing another tomato in there. Excellent. I'm the tomato. What type of tomato? Like a red, juicy, cherry tomato. Okay. I think it's like the reason I'm the tomato is because you're going to notice when I'm not there. And I'll be happy. Excellent. And I'll be happy. I'll be thrilled. But you also, most people will be very sad.

No, I don't think you know what most people are like. We're going to have to agree to disagree, but one thing we can agree on is that they're all beautiful, lovely, and natural. Excellent. Well, thank you so much, Austin, for coming on this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Let's roll out the red carpet.

Where can the people find you? Twitter, at Austin on Twitter, Austin Show. Just Google me. You'll find everything. And thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure. Well, see you next time, folks. This has been Chuckle Sandwich with Austin Show. Peace out, bitches. Bye.