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I have to say, Schlatt, my mustache, it's catching up with yours. You're in a little bit of trouble. Ted, this is ridiculous that you've decided. First of all, how is it? Why is it so wide? Wait, what are you mad about? I'm pissed about this. I'm pissed. Were you pissed? Yeah, I'm pissed.
You're not mad. You're not actually mad. Well, first of all, I'm mad. I'm mad for two reasons, Ted. Why? The first is that you're ripping off my whole style now, and you're saying that, oh, my mustache is almost as full as yours. I've got the fullest mustache around. Even my philtrum...
right here where where my hair refuses to grow and even on my sides i've just got the best game in town i mean well it's on the speed i'm gonna i'm gonna say one name to you and you are just gonna get real quiet are you ready for this okay yeah eddie burback no that thing dude he tapes that shit on what are you talking no okay i don't think eddie burbacks is real i don't think docs is real i think a lot of these mustaches are conspiracies ted oh conspiracies even the one on your face you
You think that everyone's mustache but your own is a conspiracy and that everyone is plotting against your specific facial hair? Maybe. I'm the only one. Only I know that I can grow this, you know? Like, this is legit to me. I don't know about yours. Well, that's pretty good, Schlatt, because today on the Juggle Sandwich Podcast, we're going to be looking at some really weird and wonderful and wacky conspiracies today. That's right. And some of them I believe in.
Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich. I'm just going to skip the chit chat. I'm pissed off today, and I need to be completely honest. Well, this is new. You're usually a really happy-go-lucky person, so I better hear about this.
I have an uplift desk. Do you know the uplift desk, right? The standing desk? I do. This was an issue before we even started recording. Have you got the uplift desk? I've got the uplift desk. You've got the uplift desk? It works really well, too. I can just make myself rise. I can make myself fall. It's great. Five minutes before we started filming this thing, the uplift desk...
Just starts showing an error as I'm trying to raise it to stand because I like to stand when I'm recording the pod.
It stops halfway through me raising the thing. And it says E07 error, error seven. I get error seven. And I look online and, and, and Google says it's fucked. So now this is, this is, this is a perfect example of when you overcomplicate, when you put too much science into something, it bites your ass. Your fucking desk gives you error seven. Can you imagine? Dude. So now I'm halfway between sitting and standing and,
And the desk will not move anymore. So all my work for today must be conducted as I'm hunched over with the worst, like terrible posture of all time. But no, let's have fun on the podcast today. I feel like every podcast we record, you've got some sort of problem. You've got some sort of problem. Like on the Danny episode, you were like,
- Literally unable to move. - My neck hurts, my neck hurts. Or then like another day you're like, "Ted, I'm pissed, Ted, I'm pissed." And it's like, "Oh, because someone forgot to deliver your mail or just something really benign and you are just talking about it like you've been shot in the foot."
Oh, I'm from New York, man. That's what we're good at. We're good at complaining. Here's how you make, here's how you make friends in New York, Ted. You don't like go to bars or like do activities. You bond over your hatred of things and how poorly things are going for you. So like, you'll be waiting for the E train to arrive to Penn station. You're trying to take it uptown. Maybe you go to 53rd and Lexington or wherever. Okay. Which I've, I've,
Had a couple of interesting run-ins with Falk at that station, but maybe those are stories for another time. And the E-Train is not showing up. It's delayed, of course. The MTA sucks ass. And, you know, you look at the guy to the right who's in a suit. He kind of looks your age, and he looks just as stressed as you do. So what do you say to him? You go...
This is fucking bullshit. And then the other guy goes, yeah, this is fucking bullshit. This is fucking bullshit. Where's the train? And then you guys are just butts. That's your new friend. And then you guys are just shooting fucking revolvers inside the MTA station. Yeah, exactly. And then people join in and are like, guys, are we pissed about something? They're like, yeah, get in here. And they start shooting guns too. And everyone starts shooting. Exactly. And then they see a fucking homeless guy and they're like, get him! And you start beating the shit out of the homeless guy. Good times. Yeah.
Yeah. So this is something that you would do all the time. You would beat the shit out of homeless people in New York. It's a national pastime of mine, actually. That's actually what happened at the Lexington Avenue subway station. You're a poet. Thank you. But we've got something special today, Shlap, because you're a bit of a conspirator. I'm a bit of a conspirator. I like to lie. You like to lie. But sometimes lies, they might be true.
And that's a conspiracy. And that's a conspiracy for you right there. I sent Tucker, our little boy Tucker, and we all... And you know what? Tucker haters out there, fuck you! Just to clarify, we don't want any of them sticking around, okay? But we sent Tucker on his merry little way. He went prancing through the internet. He went searching around.
rummaging really, kind of like a truffle pig. You know the truffle pigs in France, how they find the truffles? That's the only way they find truffles, the mushroom. - They find truffles with pigs? - You know that truffle mac and cheese that you really like from Boa Steakhouse? - Yeah, I do. - Yeah, the only way they find those truffles is by getting a pig
Hog a truffle hog that searches for them and it has a really good sense of smell and it digs for them because they only Grow underground you can't propagate Truffles, that's a total non sequitur. But would Tucker went and he went and found Conspiracies for us some really strange ones. I neither of us actually have any idea what he is bringing us so Tucker
What do you got for us today? What led your search here? Okay, so you guys are probably familiar with the, like, is Walt Disney frozen conspiracy. Oh, yes. So that, I'm familiar with that, and I think that's a cool conspiracy. But someone took it a step further, and they think that the movie Frozen is to disrupt the Google search algorithm
So when you Google Walt Disney Frozen, it gives you the movie, not... And not the head. And not the head results. So it's a conspiracy on top of another conspiracy. Yeah, exactly. And so the second conspiracy enhances the first one. Oh, okay. Well, wait. It makes sense. Okay. So... What? First of all, let's just say...
I do remember this whole Frozen head discussion. I was a big fan of it way back when. And the thing that sparked it for me was the episode of iCarly where they go to Dingo Studios. Remember? They got that, you know Carly? She's got the web show.
- iCarly? - Yes, I know iCarly. Yeah, yeah. - And then Dingo Studios puts a-- - Yeah, that lady with the web show. - Yeah, and then they-- - And her unemployed brother that live in a million dollar apartment in Seattle. - In Seattle, yeah. - Yeah, that one. They have Dingo Studios, which is like a TV network that steals all the ideas. I forget what show Dingo Studios put on, but that's not really important.
They go over to Dingo Studios and Sam brings, you remember the sock filled with butter that she swings around? Right. To get the security guards and all that? You had to hit people with because she was violent. Exactly, because she was violent and didn't have a strong parental figure in her life. Right.
Spencer and Freddie actually go down. They go down to the bowels of Dingo Studios. And actually, this was a conversation they had with the homeless guy who was in their apartment room.
got in to the bathtub through the open window and you like the great view of Hollywood, right? The hotel had a great view of Hollywood. And the joke was that it's, you don't see Hollywood. You see the homeless guy whose name is Hollywood and it, the window opens right up to him and he gets access to the hotel. Okay. Where is this going?
So Spencer and Freddie go down to the bowels of Dingo Studios and they have, how do they get in? I don't know. They go down. Here's what happens. Spencer goes down.
And he acts like the director of the whole building. So he goes down. Can I just say something real quick? I can feel myself forgetting what the original thing you were talking about is as you speak about this. Don't interrupt the genius. It's fading from my brain. Like, I feel like I'm being hypnotized into not understanding any word you're saying now. Just keep going. So Spencer and Freddie Benson, whose mom...
It's a helicopter mom. Yeah, and Spencer said that he once dapped when Freddie's mom called him dapper. He dapped. That was in another episode. They go down, and Spencer, there's a security guard who's like, whoa, whoa, you can't be here. They're in the bowels of Dingo Studios. And Spencer...
He creates this figure called Mr. Fupferman or some kind of guy up here. Am I going to be tested on this or something? Why are you giving such information? Some kind of guy up here.
I'm telling stories how my mom likes to tell stories. I've been trying to do that. I'll be on the phone with my mom and she'll be like on a run or something. And then she'll just keep going because she has all the time in the world. Right. Because she's on a run. And I'm like in front of my computer, I'm like, mom, this is great. But like a story about what, you know, what, you know, dad is up to will turn into. So I saw the cardiologist's
And this is what the cardiologist is up to. And I'm like, mom, this is a silly thing to add to a conversation about. And then she'll start talking about some person that you knew at an acquaintance level in first grade. And be like, do you remember Billy Crossan? Have you spoken to him? No. Actually, I haven't spoken to him in 15 years.
And they're like, oh, well, his parents are doing well. Okay. Yeah, for real. And so always on the phone, it's like, Mom, you are talking about something completely different than the point of what you started talking about. And so I just try and let her know that. So was Dingo, this company, hiding a frozen head? So you haven't let me got to that part yet. It didn't seem like you were ever going to get there. Spencer goes down, and he's like,
do like you need to go upstairs to the security guard he's like you need to check something
And he's like, I'm going to call Mr. Kupferman, Mr. Fupferman, or Mr. Lupferman, or whoever. And then he starts repeating his name. And then the security guard gets all flushed. He goes upstairs. Then they open up the freezer door in the bowels of Dingo Studios, pull out the frozen head of Charles Dingo, take the photo of it, and use it to blackmail the writers of the Dingo show that's ripping off iCarly, that web show.
And then Sam also gets some hits in with the butter sock. You have a stunning memory. That was remarkable. I watched this last night. You think that the writers at Nickelodeon know about the Frozen had? I imagine Nickelodeon and Disney, they're... Rivals? I bet they've got some shit on each other. Oh, I bet they do. I bet they do. Fallout New Vegas did the Frozen Disney thing too. Did they? Yeah, have you guys not played that?
No, I've played that one. I'm trying to remember. Mr. House. Oh, yeah. He looks like Walt Disney, and it turns out he's... Oh, that's true. He does look like Walt. He's got the fucking... He's got the old mustache. He's got the Gomez mustache and shit. Yeah, he's got the, like, slicked hair, like 40s style. And then you find out he's actually frozen.
Or he's like in this weird cryo chamber in the basement. Right, right. And then you're like, and then you like kill him, right? Yeah, you can beat his ass with Nelty's driver if you're a true Fallout player. I wouldn't be surprised if that was real, though. Honestly, they probably did freeze that fucker. He was a weirdo. I would be more scared, less scared about the head's existence, but...
More scared about what would happen if they brought him back and put him on a little robotic body because that dude was fucked up and you know it. Dude. And you know it. You bring Walt Disney back, you put him on a robot body, you wheel him out in front of a microphone, and that dude is going to be slinging the most anti-Semitic remarks the world has ever seen. He is going to be showing Kanye how it is done. The dude is going to be a fucking psychopath.
uh and he's also the thing is about walt disney is that like he's sort of like the framework of what all the billionaires are doing today like that dude was crazy in so many ways he wanted epcot to be a legitimate city run by a business that people would live he was trying to make like a futuristic fucking mining town where they got it man
Okay, Epcot is not what he... Do you know what he originally was trying to do with Epcot? He was trying to make an actual legitimate city in Florida that Disney owned and ran. Epcot is like a baby version, like that eat around the world thing. That is not what Disney was trying to make. He was trying to make like a fucking... He was a psycho. He was a fucking...
He was a ridiculous man and I would not be surprised if he froze his head and then also staged the Titanic.
We're back to the Titanic. That's interesting that you keep bringing this up. It's like you actually might believe this, which is a little concerning. You said that so calmly. It's like you're genuinely worried about me. Well, this is how I deal with actual situations. You're trying to get me some help. You're like, okay. Okay, so Ted, I'm worried about you.
They have their own district, though. Disney has their own municipality. They have their own plumbing and shit, you know? Yeah.
They almost got there. Well, and Disney gets involved in politics too. Remember that whole thing with Florida where it was like, it must have been the governor or something of Florida. It was like, Disney, if you are going to go against us banning trans people in Florida, we're going to remove your tax shit that you've got going on. I think it was something about Disney
the don't say gay law i think it was in florida and then the disney ceo was like yeah this sucks that we don't support this and then florida's like governor was like fuck you we're gonna take away your tax rights which is like what the fuck man but um but okay tucker do you think
What do you think about this theory? I like it. Well, the original theory was the movie Frozen created to divert algorithmic responses away from the truth. I'm curious, though, what your personal opinion is on the initial theory, the theory within that theory of the frozen head. I'd like to think it's true. I think that...
He was kind of like one of those early crazy billionaires, kind of like an early Musk. Yeah. And I think that's, you know, our lives never overlapped historically. But like seeing these billionaires today, I think that like. You never cross paths with them. No, I didn't. But, you know, you look at Bezos, Musk, and you're like, yeah, one of these dudes is bound to freeze themselves. Absolutely. So like Disney, he was probably like, yeah, hell yeah.
Freeze me, bring me back. There's a company right now that's got like maybe 50 to 100 frozen people. Yeah, you can pay to do it. Yeah, and it's a company. I forget what it's called. Tucker, if you could maybe find it. I might explain this to Shlap. But it's a company that is like...
It's taking money from people or like people that are maybe on the edge of death. They've got like some sort of disease that's like impossible to cure right now. They're getting frozen so that like at some point maybe we'll figure out how to unfreeze them safely and then also cure the disease they have. Which is kind of cool. Just live now. No, no, no. They had terminal illnesses. They were going to die.
Oh, so when you say live now, that means dying. Yeah, I guess you're right. But there are other people that have signed up that are alive right now that have like a contract with the company that like when they get close or when they're about to die, they're going to get freezed so that maybe they could at some point, I don't know, live forever, I guess.
yeah that that whole shit is really creepy and dystopian i i learned about that whole thing playing soma which is a video game about like you can like hop consciousness between bodies and shit but then it always like splits you know like if you are frozen to death and you come back is that really you are you in there you in there
I don't know if you would be. I don't know if you would be either. Like, would you be asleep? It's like... There was a pretty interesting Amazon show that was... I think it came out... It must have came out during the pandemic. I don't know if you saw a bunch... You must have seen a bunch of advertisements for this on Twitch where it was like... I think it was called Upload. Have you seen this? I haven't heard of it. It's a show about a dude. It's like...
I would say it was like maybe like 2040-ish or 2050 is when it's around because like everyone is in, like all the cars are like self-driving cars and shit like that. And he gets into like an accident in this self-driving car, like malfunctions. And he dies, but then like someone paid his girlfriend at the time, paid for him to get uploaded
which is where your consciousness is downloaded onto like a little file thing and they upload you into like this sort of VR chat space where you can live. And it's kind of like a, it's like the equivalent of like a retirement home for people that don't want to actually die and see what's like later, you know? Um,
And there was this one point in the show that I thought was pretty interesting that kind of goes to your point about, like, would you still be there or, like, trying to revive someone after where they were doing the first experiments of trying to put this really rich guy into, like, a shell of a body, like someone who would, like, I think it was, like, someone who was
who was like a, had died or, and like their, their just brain function wasn't there. And there was like this news report where they try to put them into this body and he like wakes up and he's like, he's like, I'm back, I'm back. And then all of a sudden he's like, wait, something's wrong. Put me back in, put me back in. And then his head explodes. Oh,
shit that's not how i thought it was gonna go yeah but it's it's it's a it's an interesting show because it's like how how much will people because it's a really expensive service it's like how much will people pay to just keep on going or like you know what is there a certain value and just like going when your time is when it's your time and stuff like that um but it's weird because it's like
I feel like it'd be kind of... I don't know. Would you ever get uploaded or would you just die? No, I'm going back to God and we're going to chill. Yeah? You're going to chill? But like actually, you know? Like what does chill mean? Like where you guys go skating or something? It's probably harps and clouds. Yeah. Harps, clouds. Marble countertops. Yeah. They haven't updated their infrastructure since back when they first started talking about heaven.
So it's like people are getting into heaven these days and they're like, there's nothing. Where are the fucking games, man? Where's the AC? Where's the Call of Duty? There's a bunch of harps and people are hitting a stick around. They're doing sticking hoops. What the fuck? We're still playing bocce ball here? Like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, dude. People are playing an early version of soccer that's just a fucking rock. They're kicking that around. This sucks.
Yeah, that would suck. It wouldn't really be heaven. Yeah. Yeah, they don't have pianos. It's just harps. It's just harps. That would suck. Well, here's a question. Have you seen The Good Place? No, I don't think so. So I'm just going to, for those of you who are listening, I'm just going to spoil The Good Place and the ending of The Good Place right now. Tucker, you've seen it. No. I think. No. Okay. Well, maybe you have, but I don't think so.
I'm just going to sort of spoil it for anyone who's... It's been out for a while. You should have watched it. You can skip ahead like two minutes in the podcast if you don't want to hear it. But basically, it's like this whole thing about heaven and how people who are...
They went and they got to see what the people who were in heaven were like. And they were all like fucking drones because everything was perfect all the time. So they got so insanely bored. They were there for eternity. So they were there for, let's say, 1,000 years, 2,000 years, 5,000 years or something like that. And it's like eventually you're going to do everything you possibly could want to do.
with the afterlife. So at a certain point, they just kind of become these drones where they just have nothing to live for and they're just sort of a spirit stuck there. And eventually heaven would just become like this terrible limbo where it's like nothing excites you anymore and it's just, there's nothing to do. And so...
The way they fixed that was at the end, it was like they offered this way for once you get to heaven, there's an option for once you've done everything you want to do with the afterlife, then you can just go through this gate and just disappear and just end it, which I thought was really interesting. You do need suffering to...
To teach you what true happiness is. You can't just hook yourself up to a dopamine machine. You need the 10 out of 10s for those ones to feel good. Exactly. And you need some tragedies. I'll say it.
Yeah, you do. Because I feel if everything was perfect in life, it would man that would that would be weird. Because then if you stub your toe, it would be like getting hit by a car. Yeah, you'd adjust you to just real quick. Something. Yeah.
no that's why i don't envy it that's why during covid you get you get that fucking montage of people singing singing that song all the celebrities because their lives are so they're going so fucking well that they're like they're like this is the worst thing that's ever happened to us we have to stay inside and not go to not we can't go on our fucking yacht we can't go on our have our blood orgies anymore what the fuck what is this dude when i was on the um when i was on the trip with
To go do the point crow Mario party thing I was chatting with with slime on the on the shuttle that was taking us from the airport there and he was going on this fucking tangent about About blood boys. You're a blood boys. No This is like a thing that he just swears exists, which is these billionaires will get a young healthy man
and they will take their blood and transfuse it into their self so they can get like better blood. And so they've got like, they've got their blood boys. And then also he was talking about parties that like celebrities in Hollywood apparently have that are just called like fucking taser parties where they just all get together and taser each other. Yeah. You've heard of this? Yeah. I've been invited to one actually. No, you have not. Yes.
What, by Ludwig? That seems like the most likely person to invite you to a taser party. Let's be real. If there's someone we know who is the most entrenched into the media machine, it is Ludwig Agren. Yeah. And he has invited me to a taser party. He's probably doing those taser parties. He has. That's probably why Slime knows about it, because they're on the yard together. Slime might have a blood boy. Yeah.
There's no fucking way that Slime isn't talking that much about blood boys and doesn't have a blood boy himself. He's got a blood boy. No, he's got a blood boy. And Slime, if you're listening right now, there's no way you do not have a blood boy. Okay? He looks so ripe. You know, he...
- He's looking like, you could see, if you look at slime, you could be like that motherfucker wants to live forever. He wants to live forever and he's gonna, in 2070, he's gonna try to take over the world and he's gonna burn, I don't know, he's gonna just get rid of Argentina for some reason. But yeah, either way. Yeah, no, that's crazy. Walt Disney, Frozen Head. - Yeah, Frozen, I mean, honestly, I mean-- - I could see that being a strategy. - Yeah, but you just put Disney Frozen Head
You just put head at the end of the search and then all that money is lost. Well, let me look this up. It was a cover-up. Disney Frozen Head and I'll see what shows up. I guarantee you that'll pop up. Did Walt Disney freeze his head?
How Walt Disney Frozen head became... Yeah. Well, to be fair, the fourth result is already talking about Frozen. The fourth result is Disney Frozen 2 Elsa styling head. So it's like... I don't know. What even is that? They need a couple more movies.
Yeah, it's funny because the best thing that they could do is they – maybe this results page would be full of Walt Disney Frozen head stuff. Through their efforts of making a billion-dollar animated movie, they have managed to replace two of those search results on Google. Well, the conspiracy is based on the attempt. It doesn't mean it is successful. Right, right, right. How strong is this conspiracy? I don't know. You tell me. Do you believe it? Well –
I could see there being... I don't know if I believe that. I believe the Frozen Head one. I want the Frozen Head one to be real. Because...
There's nothing funnier to me than like them waiting another 50 years and they figure out how to unfreeze his head and bring him back. And you got that one guy who's working, whose main job is to carry Walt Disney's frozen head and he fucking trips and he drops it and Walt Disney's frozen head cracks into a thousand pieces on the floor and he's like, oh fuck.
And that's what I'm hoping. The whole plan, man. I can just imagine the press release from the Walt Disney Company. Hey, everybody. Walt Disney's back. He's back. He is now the CEO again. They kicked out Bob Iger.
Dude, Bob Iger is going to be the CEO of Disney until he dies because he keeps leaving. Well, he keeps leaving and then they keep bringing him back in because whatever CEO they put in, they just never do as good a job as Bob Iger. Did you know that he went to the same school as me?
really yeah he was uh bob eiger went to went to ithaca college and he was a tbr major he was when i was a freshman at ithaca they did a thing where bob eiger like they brought us all into this like fucking room where it was for the park school majors and they had bob eiger fucking facetime in like he skyped in that's crazy i would never call into one of my schools
Hey, everybody. I took math there. You want to hear something crazy, Slap? Keep doing great things. I don't think they're ever going to ask you to call in either. Because you didn't graduate. Because you didn't graduate. You don't even have a diploma. That's true. That's true. But, yeah. I mean, they don't have many... They don't have a lot of crazy alumni. They don't got USC alumni or fucking Harvard alumni that they can be like, oh, yeah, person who invented, I don't know, fucking...
the cure to this disease let's bring them on it's like yeah no he was a tvr major and accidentally somehow through the course of his life became the ceo of disney like i think i had nothing to do with the fact that bob iver could be in the ceo of disney um but they definitely got that frozen head the frozen head is definitely somewhere it's chilling somewhere honestly
I feel like I've got a pipeline in which I could ask Robert that. I think I'm going to ask Robert. I'm going to say Bobby. Listen up. Iggy. Robbie Bobby. Robbie Bobby. Robbie Bobby. Iggy Waggy. Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. You got that frozen head? Where is it? What is it now? Hill squeal. Hill squeal. Oh, hill squeal.
Iger's a squalor. Iger's a squalor. Whether it's about Bob Iger's head or with his fucking... I don't know. Every CEO has got a mistress. All right. So what else you got, Tucker? I feel like we spent so long on that one. That's what we do whenever we get Tucker to get a list of stuff. It's like we spend an hour on the first thing he brings us. What do you got? Have you guys heard of the mattress firm, mattress store conspiracy?
I think I have. I have. Because no one ever goes into a mattress. Yeah, you buy a mattress. Well, a mattress lasts like indefinitely, really. Well, about 10 years. Okay, well, I'm sleeping on a mattress that's like 30 years old. Okay, that explains some things. It does explain a lot of things. Explains why...
You speak like you've been sleeping on a 30-year-old mattress. Anyway, I'm looking at a picture from Chicago and there's like 15 mattress firms within like a couple miles. Yeah. And it's like the idea is that it's a money laundering situation. Yeah. It's weird because I can't really see any other situation in which money laundering would not make sense because like –
Who is going, yeah, like they're all right now. Like there's areas where they're just right next to each other, like within a 0.1 miles. Yeah, it's near, it's not that close, but might as well be. Some of them are that close. Also, Mattress Firm kind of took over a shit ton of stuff. Like in our hometown, we used to have a Sleepy's there and then it got replaced by a Mattress Firm. Sleepy's, the Sleepy's, damn. I remember the Sleepy commercials. They all got taken. Yeah.
yeah and now it's just mattress firm yeah i believe that i believe that i think that that's something that i actually think that that's something that shane dawson covered in his uh in his search oh i think i remember that yeah so right in between in between hour-long uncut scenes of him fucking his cat yeah between him just absolutely railing the shit out of his fucking tabby um
I don't doubt it. I mean, look, I think you can sell very few mattresses and still have a thriving business if you have one person working there. So no one really comes in. No one really works there. You sell a couple mattresses a month, you're good. I mean, mattresses are fucking expensive. I remember when we were doing a...
I was in chorus in high school and we would do the strangest thing that we would do for a fundraising thing was we would do a mattress sale. That's weird. Usually you sell like popcorn or something, you know, that's a boy scouts, but, um, the, there would be this guy who would come in and I guess he partnered with a company and
And he would be, he would basically be like, Hey, here's the stats. And on any given year, allegedly, and this is, I shouldn't know this information about the mattress market, but I do because of this. Um, I guess any year, 10% of people are looking to buy a mattress. Huh?
Which is interesting because you'd think there'd be less, but it's like 10% of people at any given moment are like they're trying to buy a mattress, whether they're moving somewhere or their mattress has gotten old. And the mattresses, I guess people replace their mattresses generally every 10 years. Have you ever met somebody who replaces their mattress every 10 years?
I have not been on the planet long enough to really start keeping track of that. Because 10 years ago, I wasn't worried about it, Tucker. I got a new mattress within the last 10 years. But you moved out. You both moved out. That's true also. Ted, when was the last time your parents got a new mattress? Probably within the last 10 years. Probably? Or are you just saying that to help your kids? Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing, Tucker. I'm not walking into my parents' room and then going like,
new mattress guys what do you guys what is this what is this tempur-pedic what is this tempur-pedic i'm not doing that all right i'm not keeping tabs on my parents current mattress i think and i don't think i should i think that there i think that that is not a category that i would want to like learn more information about my parents mattress yeah then you shouldn't be taking a stance on it damn you want to know fuck you you don't know something what
I really thought that waterbeds were way cooler than they were. They seemed like they would have a lot of potential. Like fish in them. I wanted a waterbed with fish. I thought that's what they were all about. You can look into the fish and see the water and the fish in them. But no.
Hell. That is hell for a fish. That is literally the lowest tier, like all the levels of hell of purgatory. That is the bottom one, the most intense one, where they put the fucking war criminals and everything to be turned into a fish where every night you'd have to look up and see Jay Schlatt's bare ass staring down upon them on a waterbed. The Grand Canyon. That is fucking awful.
Grand Canyon. That's awful. Next conspiracy. Next one. Next one. You guys ever talked about or thought about the Denver airport? Are you up to date with that one? Yeah. Have you heard that one, Ted? No, I've heard. The Denver airport is, it was like, it's a more recently built airport. And it went $2 billion over budget when they were building it.
So it drew a lot of attention to like, well, what are they building? You know, show me the show me the receipt. And then there's a lot of like almost satanic imagery in the airport. Like if you look at the artwork they have on the walls, it's like house on fire, you
Like shit like that. There's animals that wouldn't be normally found on paintings and stuff, you know, like skeleton horses. Yeah. And people have traced flights from like Air Force One or like something like that. Like bad event happens or like there's like some political turmoil going on. President flies connecting flight through Denver. Hmm. Huh.
And they think that's interesting. So I am. I mean, that's interesting because I imagine that would be the perfect situation of hiding in plain sight, putting a big fucking government facility under Denver airport because like airports are generally very secure. Yeah. So, yeah, that's the conspiracies. People think that it's like a hub and like a bunker for people.
The Illuminati or the higher order or whatever. I don't know. Look, they think higher order. I feel like it must just be like a spot for the government to just go because like, I don't know if there's many. I feel like Colorado is a pretty safe place to go if the nukes are dropping, you know, right? Is that true? No, no. They put all of our nuclear silos in the middle of the country away from the cities. So like theoretically the nukes would target the Midwest instead of like the coasts.
Because it'd be more strategic. So it might be worse. I don't know. Here's what I think about that. Sure, there could be a bunker or something. But the people who are really trying to hide shit from you, they're going to be a little more thorough than that. They're not going to leave $2 billion on the table in public record. Hey, this cost $2 billion extra. That was for our project. These people, I guarantee you, I guarantee you there are...
hundreds of people who have a higher net worth than elon musk and bill gates and and that but you they just don't want you to see them and if you have that level of wealth you can make sure that happens you know yeah so if there's if they're exactly he multi multi multi-billionaire term and he hides it so well um and that's because he owns nothing and it's all through shell companies he told me
But that's beside the point. The point is, is that if these people who are ultra wealthy and doing things with interdimensional, you know, warlocks and all this shit that you're claiming, Tucker, then they're going to, they're going to listen to shape-shifting, shape-shifting interdimensional vampires. Okay, hold on. Then they are going to keep that under wraps way better. And they're not going to let it turn into like a joke at the Denver airport. Interdimensional vampires that can open up rifts in space time with their teeth.
shit i mean that i don't think anything like that's happening there at least yeah they go they go they go and they go and then it opens up a rift in space and they step through and then they're in spartelheim that could be what happens in ohio though because think about it why are there 12 million people there what is in ohio cleveland
Toledo. Cleveland's got, you think Toledo's got 12 million people? Cincinnati? Great. I'm starting to add up a little bit. Every... But like, you look at all the other states, like, they have reasons to have that many people in them. Ohio, though?
I'll tell you one state that doesn't have a reason to have any people in. Fucking Nebraska. Oh my God. Eddie and I drove through Nebraska. It is the worst. It is the worst state. Actually, North Platte was actually kind of cool because they had a diner there that was really good. But other than North Platte,
Nebraska sucks ass and not because it's like, oh, it's boring and you drive through cornfields. I kind of like doing that because that's not normally my environment. And I've done it a bunch of times, but.
Nebraska smells so fucking bad because you drive by... Because we would drive by these cow farms that were like the ones where they put the cows in really terrible conditions where it's like you see cows like sardines in a fucking thing. And the smell of...
the manure or the shit or i don't even know what it was was so strong that we had our windows up the air conditioning off so no air was coming into the car and we could still smell it and we had to plug our noses as we were driving and i would still smell it it was like
It was like disgusting. It was so disgusting. Ted, I hate to break it to you, but that's not unique to Nebraska. Because every time I would drive from 29 Palms, California to Camp Pendleton, California, guess what we drove through? Miles and miles of that. Would you have to plug your nose? Yes, it was absolutely unbearable. Is that just the smell of shit?
What is that smell? Maybe it's the methane. Oh, it's got to be the methane. It's got to be the methane. It's got to be the methane. Let's get some like the most ridiculous one that you can think of right now. Would you guys be willing to talk about Sasquatch? Yes. Pacific Northwest. Pacific Northwest Sasquatch sightings through the roof.
Recently? Recently? I don't think recently, but they have so much higher than any other place in the U.S. We're talking like Seattle, North of Seattle? Washington? Yeah, Washington, Oregon. I mean, that makes sense. Where else would he be? He? He? You don't think the Sasquatch is a dude? I think the Sasquatch is non-binary. I think it's a chick.
So we're at an impasse here, a bit of a Mexican standoff. Where do they live? I got non-binary on my side, I got Tucker's godlady and Schlatt's godfucking dude.
I think, look, I think if there is a place where the Sasquatch would live, it would be up there, away from me. Seems like, well, no, he's not avoiding you. Let's get that clear. You think he's avoiding you? I think he doesn't. Because he looks so much like you. Rude. And also, I don't think he's avoiding me. I never said that. I think he likes it up there. All right. I agree. I think I agree with that. Because I live in a desert.
He doesn't want to come down here. He's all furry. Unless he can go like, unless he can completely shed his skin and fur. And then start walking around. It sheds its skin and starts walking around. Yeah, but that would be scary. And I don't think he'd like to do that. I think he likes to stay to himself. It would also be a skinwalker though.
That was the implication. Ted, you're not supposed to say that. You're not supposed to say it? I learned you're not supposed to say it. They come. Well, let's... Okay. I need more input. Hello? Oh, yeah. Let me go walk towards that. Hello?
Those ones are really creepy. I started getting a lot more of those on my TikTok page too. It's always a dude on a ranch in Texas that's always dealing with it. My buddy is a skinwalker. What? Yeah, Mike. He's in the Discord now. My Discord? Yeah, the guy with the mustache. Oh, yeah. That's not me. Yeah, he saw Discord on his way home from Las Vegas when we were in.
What do you mean he saw one? What does that mean? He would drive. He lives in Las Vegas, and we were stationed out in the desert. It was like three hours from it. So if we had a long weekend, he'd go, and then Sunday night or whatever, he would drive back, like middle of the night. And so those roads are wide open, empty-ass desert roads. And I heard about this the next morning. He comes to work, and he's like, dude. And the reason I believed it is because he called –
one of our other buddies to like stay on the phone with him while he's driving. Cause he was so fucking panicked. And this guy is like, he works casino security. Now he like carries a gun. He's pretty hard charging guy. And, uh, he was like, dude, I was driving down the road is a closed road. If you go to Amboy, California and you're going down, uh, what's that famous route?
Route 66? Yeah, it's right on that. The road is closed and there's a detour. It's closed my entire enlistment. Everyone says it's been closed forever. There's no signs of construction.
And so he takes it, though, because he doesn't give a shit. And so he's it was Google Maps telling him that that was like the way to go. No, he drives it so often that he just knows he just he just doesn't care. So he he's where he shouldn't be. Yeah. And so he's like, I'm flying down the road at night and I can see like a coyote on the road in front of me, like eating something. He's like, as I come up to it.
It becomes a man who just takes off on all fours into the desert. And he was like... So was Mike doing that thing that a lot of Marines do where they fucking drink while drive? I mean, yeah, probably. But he calls our buddy. He calls another buddy and...
He was like, dude, Mike was fucking scared last night. And Mike doesn't get scared. Like, he's an animal. And he was like, dude, he was really freaking paranoid. And this is like in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, it's like hour and a half from 29 towards Vegas. I drove all the time, but I never drove the closed roads. He saw a coyote, and this is something that he'll still back up today, that he saw a coyote eating... Yeah, you should ask him next time we play Call of Duty or something. I probably will, honestly. So he saw a guy eating...
Or just a coyote eating something. And then when the car came by, it turned into a man. And then like that one Dark Souls meme where the dude is running on all fours after that woman ran away on all fours. Yeah, I guess so. He was just coming up on it by himself. It was like 3 a.m. on a Monday morning.
And pitch black out there. That's fucking insane. I mean, you've seen the desert out there, Ted. It's pretty like there's nothing. It gets pretty desolate out there. And there's bad vibes, man. And right by there, here's another good little thing. There's two marble, like Chinese kind of lion statues.
And they're like several tons. And in 2011, they just showed up. They're like 50 yards apart. And they're taller than me. They're like 15 feet tall. Like massive marble. They showed up. There's no record of how they got there, who put them there, nothing. And that's right near where it happened. And people say that that's a portal to hell. That's like what those things stand for. It's like a gateway. So it's probably not that.
And honestly, I don't know if there's anything on this planet that turns into a man after it's getting eaten by a coyote. But it could be the methane, you know? Dude, the methane? The methane. You're driving through the methane. It'll fuck with your head a little bit.
I don't know. If I'm running through a forest or I see something that resembles, like, I'm not stopping to look at that shit. I'm driving right the fuck by. Was he just driving the same speed and then he just kind of saw it? Like, he wasn't slowing down to look at this thing, was he? Well, I think he was slowing down because it's in the middle of the road.
Yeah. But we can... That sucks. That's a trap. Yeah, that changes things. That fucking sucks. You just write in the headlights. Because I was imagining the way you were describing it. It was like, oh, he's driving by and then he's like...
He's like looking. No, like it was up in front. But like it was right in his view. And he like how far away from him was it? Did this happen? I don't know. We'd have to we'd have to ask Mike next time we talk to him. Jeez, that's that's fucking wild, though. I mean, there are stories out there of people like ambushing people, like pretending they got in a car wreck or something. But there's a bunch of people waiting like by the berm to like.
Ambush him. That shit happens. I don't know about the crazy animal part. And you know how I know that shit happens? That shit happens all the time. Almost multiple times a day to me in Red Dead Redemption. So I know that happens. What's the whole thing about Bigfoot before we sign off here? You ever see Survivorman? Survivorman, I don't know about this. It was a show when we were growing up.
from like 2000 to like 2012. This guy did a, he's like a Bear Grylls type, but he's legit. He would go out and do a week alone and film it all himself. He'd bring all the equipment. It's pretty legit. It's the best survival show that there ever was. He still makes some content too. He's a really cool guy. He did a Bigfoot documentary. He's a big Bigfoot guy and he's done more time alone in the wilderness than anybody. Did he find him?
He found like a bunch of weird shit. I don't know if he found him. I mean, I suppose if he found him, we'd probably know. Dude.
Gotta just say what flashed through my mind when you said he found a bunch of weird shit like it's just a documentary of the dude is like walking through the forest and he's like dude look at this stick this is like a weird looking stick that's a big foot stick and then he's like he like finds like a rusted washer on the ground or something he's like what the fuck what the hell is it muscle man what the hell
Dude, I've never seen this before in my life. That was pretty good. So he just found like a bunch of weird stuff. Yeah. Dude, I haven't seen that. What sort of conspiracy is this here? You said you're bringing us conspiracy and you're like, you heard of Sasquatch in the Northwest. I want to know what you think. I mean, maybe you guys just don't believe in anything that isn't plainly logical. I'll tell you what, I believe in dog man. If I bring you a conspiracy, you go, no, that's not true.
Well, I'm sort of wondering if there was a specific nature to what you're talking about. Do you think that there are great apes that we don't know about? Great apes? Great apes? Okay, that is specific. That's like a classification. Great apes. That's Bigfoot's classification? A great ape? Well, they would be, probably. That would be a pretty great ape.
I would love to see him with my own two eyes. I don't think that's ever going to happen. I feel like it's not... I don't know. It's just one of those things where it's like, why is there one? Like, is there one? He's probably dead. He's probably dead. I feel like it's so big. Like, there's a lot of endangered animals that are, like, really small and hard to find or shit that it's at the bottom of the ocean. But, like, the Pacific Northwest...
in america people are going all over the woods in there there are so many people that are just fucking camp life i'm gonna i'm gonna start backpacking through i'm just start going into the back country and shit like people are all over the place there so like okay let me add on a bit then oh okay what do you so this is going to be an alien tie-in so oh let your imagination take it
Do you think aliens, whoever they are, whatever they are, created, like genetically engineered, a Bigfoot, which is a very survivable creature. What? Hold on. It's a very survivable creature in the wild to take, to like gather data, to learn about Earth.
there's so many better ways to gather data about earth than putting name a big foot than engineering a big foot in the pacific northwest what the fuck is that they're just making a fucking stupidest thing i've ever heard they're like they're like the pitch the pitch that they say all right guys all right alien council here's here's the idea we make a
weird hairy thing we throw it in the woods and he just he just starts gathering data well we kind of want to figure out what their like arms capabilities are and stuff we like we need something in the city no no we got to figure out what's going on with those plants we got to have some we got to have some boots on the ground someone walking around looking at shit
That, I mean, I think that that is almost equally ridiculous, Tucker. I think that because wouldn't they just be able to scan? Okay, I think you guys are haters. I think you're both fucked. No, we're not. It's not. Well, hold on. Is this an idea you're bringing us or are these your personal thoughts? I don't know where that one came from. I've heard that one for so long. I don't know if it's my thought or if that's something I read online. You don't even remember where it came from? It came to you in a dream. A vision. A vision.
It was shown to me in a dream. That's the funniest way to respond when someone asks for evidence. It's like, you got proof? It was shown to me in a dream. That's basically how the Disney thing went. It wasn't a dream, but there's no... One guy, it's just one guy's word about the Disney frozen head. No, but that... Yeah, how did that start? One guy, it was like when they were transporting his body after he died or whatever. One guy said he saw it and it was frozen head.
At the hospital, like in a cryo thing. And there's no pictures. There's nothing. It's just this one guy's word. What do we know about this guy? Is he crazy? I don't know. He's right. He is right. He's got my opinion. He's real. I think Bigfoot could be real too. And you know what? I think Mattress Firm could be a money laundering site. I think the Mattress Firm could be real as well. It could be. It could be there. You could walk into one one day. I like to think that...
I'm going to walk into a mattress firm one day and I'm going to see Bigfoot in there and he's going to be jerking off. That's a hell of a phone call to make to Tucker to confirm two of these things. And I'm going to call Tucker and I'm going to be standing there frozen in fear and I'm going to be like, I just need you on the line with me because I'm fucking spooked right now, man. That's why you bring the butter suck. And I'm going to say, Bigfoot, he's jerking off right in front of me. And Tucker's going to be like, okay, we'll leave. And I'm like, I can't.
Transfixed. I'm transfixed on him and his... His big cock. His two foot long cock. I bet that thing is... And his hair is so matted. Yeah. Do you think the hair follows the shaft? Do you think it's covering that whole thing? I think it's just one big furry cock. A really, really two foot long furry rod. Yes, dude. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Okay, you sound a little bit too enthusiastic about that. Pull together, pull together. Sorry, sorry. Very unprofessional. It's okay. It's okay. Tucker, any closing remarks for us here today?
I'd definitely check out the Les Stroud Survivorman show, specifically his Bigfoot stuff. Okay. So you're just going to give recommendations on shows people should watch? Yeah. The guy owns a right to his show, so he published every single episode of his show on YouTube. Oh, okay. Yeah, because it was airing on Discovery Channel back in the day, but he owns a right, so he put it on YouTube now. Okay, cool. So, yeah, I'm plugging him. Nice.
Well, thanks so much for listening to this episode of Chuckle Sandwich. We checked out and talked about some conspiracies.
Who knows if they're real? I honestly think that the Skinwalker one is tickling my curiosity a little bit too much. But what do you think, Schlatt? You're not supposed to say it. Stop saying it. Stop saying that word. I've never heard. Okay. There was actually one time that I started saying it in front of my sister and she got real. She was going through a phase. She was really into it. She got mad at me for saying Skinwalker over and over again. Stop. Stop. She was like yelling at me. Yeah, she was doing that. She was the same tone, too.
She's like, stop. It's like Bloody Mary. They appear. They appear. No, I will never get. I will never. I will never. If someone calls out for help, I'm not coming. Period. Even if you are a real human, I don't care. I don't fucking care. See you guys later next time.
