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- Shalette's looking incredibly handsome today. - She's looking like a cute little cupcake. What flavor cupcake are you, Shalette? - Come on, come on. I'm a little red velvet one with some icing in the middle and on top. - I would say that I'm a carrot cake cupcake with cream cheese frosting.
Ew, dude. Yikes. That's a liberal cupcake. Ew. How is that? Wait, what? Gross. How is that liberal? What makes that liberal? That's a liberal cupcake. Sorry, I like a little bit of carrot in my cake. I have a belief that fruit or vegetables and dessert just does not work.
Does not work. At all. On a spiritual, moral level. Really? What about apple pie? They don't belong together. No. What about nuts? What about what? Nuts. Like pecan pie. Pecan pie? That's okay. Blueberry pie? I'm talking about fruits and vegetables here. Like, dessert is supposed to be sweet and nice and not have any of that bullshit. Blueberry pie.
No, no, I don't like blueberries. Key lime pie? No, I haven't eaten a vegetable in months. You're the king of capital. You want the most processed, like...
reduced down sort of piece of- - That's what dessert is supposed to be, bro. Dessert's supposed to taste good. It's not supposed to have fucking fruit in it. Oh, I'm getting a little healthy serving of my fucking, of my sugar. - Some people like fruit though. - Fuck you. - No, Schlecht's right. - No, he's not. - Are you kidding me? I am. - When I was a child, like, you know, 10 years old, my birthday cake would be a key lime pie. - Disgusting. Disgusting. - Welcome to Chuckle Sandwich.
Do you think that they realize that we talk through the intro as it's going still? They haven't heard us in a while. I think we made it pretty clear that time stops completely.
And we just kind of wait for it to play. We're just waiting here. They don't think we lied to them. Well, that's good. I'm glad that they trust us. We'll just have to remember to cut this out. Welcome everybody to another episode of Chuckle Sandwich. You think there's a guy in the world named Chuck La Sandwich? He's got to be French.
He would be French. He was one of the workers signed up to clean up the Seine for the 2024 Olympics. He wasn't. You know what's my favorite thing about that whole ordeal with the cleanup of that river is that in protesting it, people were like, you're spending too much money on it. They decided to make it so that money would be worse spent by shitting in the river.
Yeah. Have you seen this, Tucker? Yeah. This is a very French event going on right now. Yeah. Like, I mean, come on, guys. We're the ones who rolled through Paris, you know, in World War II. Like, we saved you guys. Stop shitting in the river. Stop making athletes throw up. You made a Norwegian throw up.
Yeah, everyone after doing that triathlon, after swimming in that river, were all keeled over. Yeah. Disgusting. There was a part of me that thought it might be, sometimes when you work out really hard, I'm sure Tucker's seen this, sometimes when you work out really hard, you throw up. But I don't know. I feel like an Olympian would be better trained. Well, yeah. And for the triathlon people, they were like, they had two more things to go. Was it swimming the first thing they do? I don't know.
Either way, I feel like if I get a bunch of shit water in my mouth, I'm probably... Yeah, they swim first. So he was thrown up after the first thing. So that sucks. I'm probably thrown up in that thing too if people are shitting into it. I mean, it makes it kind of a more exciting thing. Honestly, they should have advertised that at the beginning. They should have been like, and this time for the triathlon in Paris, you have to swim through the Dark Souls 3 poison lake. You know? Like...
that makes it more challenging. It's like, okay, well, who's the, who's the human here that can withstand our own pollution the best? That's what we're going to need for the future. Yeah.
Olympics triathlete Jolene Vermeulen rips officials after swimming in polluted Seine River. Felt and saw things that we shouldn't think about. That's a quote. Felt? In the river? Yeah, there was a Simpsons three-eyed fish brushing up against her. She was doing freestyle and was feeling shit in the water? Yeah, no, she was climbing. She was climbing on pollution. That wasn't a swim. That was a climb. I hate that. That is awful.
That's gross. Yeah. You see, you see videos of people jumping in the, uh, the Hudson river around like the statue of Liberty and shit. People going for like a nice, uh, a nice dive. And it's like, man, don't do that.
These rivers aren't meant for swimming in. They spent like a shit ton of money to clean that up too and they still kind of failed. If they're spending billions of dollars, why don't they just get a really thin kind of colander material like they're straining pasta and just run it along the river? I don't know.
I don't know. Environmental, Tucker? What do you say? I think it's because Paris is so old that the septic systems don't really... They just pour into it. Everything just goes into the storm drains. Because you're dealing with systems that were created before America was even a thought. Yeah. Before we started getting our good ideas. Yeah, before we started fixing them up. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. That is...
They do have a medieval system going on there still, probably. They have catacombs. Yeah. They're such a silly little country. Oh, stop coming. Stop coming. We don't want you in Paris. We don't want foreigners visiting us. Dude, you're a museum exhibit. Okay. Let's stop pretending that Europe is like some great driving force in the world anymore. Did you see that TikTok too? I'm not done. I'm not done. Did you see that TikTok too?
Yeah. Dude, that's awesome. I saw last night, bro. I was drunk as fuck. And I was like, dude, this is great. This is shit I could get behind. That's awesome. No, I started hearing it. I started hearing it. I was like, where have I heard this before? We saw the same TikTok. Wait, Tucker, I wish you could pull it up. No, I was about to was spitting just then. He was I would have I would have done the same thing.
I can find it. It's like probably my most recent like this. This really this TikTok, I think, made Europeans everywhere, even if they didn't see the TikTok. TikTok. It made them shiver like they were just like some some some old Italian Nona was making some fucking basil pesto. And all of a sudden a shutter ran across her and she's like, oh.
And so I said something in Italian. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. OK, here we go. News about how local Europeans are mad that tourists are just ruining their cities and they're complaining and they're squirting the water. You guys just have to accept at this point that you're our Disney world now. That's your function in this world. All your economies have stagnated. You don't produce anything besides the prostitution of your own history and cured meats. That's what you have.
to offer the global economy. Just riding off of the fumes of the luxury goods and culture you created centuries ago. And that's really all you have. China is making solar panels and you make manchego. What do you think is going to happen here? Look on the bright side. Okay, you had your fun, you know, colonizing the world, pillaging and extracting wealth to make your nice little piazzas and palaces. And so now you have to accept that you're just museum cities. You're a museum as a city.
Dude, I like how he's walking through Europe too saying this. He's shitting on the ground, he's walking around. And they say, oh, would you like mustard with that? And that's it, you're animatrons. And so when the tourists come to your country, you should say, thank you, merci, merci.
Thank you so much for coming and visiting our poor little playground because that's where you are. You're our playground. And if you also want to have your nice little pensions and your health care while taking off nine months a year and retiring at 42, you should just accept that you're a living, breathing. It's a small world ride. Like that's what you are. And that's true. American families are basically like, all right, kids, you want to go to Disney or do you want to go to Ireland? Like pick one because that's going to be the trip this year.
I mean, I went to Ireland with my mom. We were just like, we're like, wait, these people sound so funny. Sláinte. We're cheers. It's like the whole Sláinte is a zoo exhibit. Oh, yeah. No, we go to the Guinness Museum and they're like, here's how we make our special sauce. Here's how we make our special beer.
And it's a whole Disney ride thing and there's a whole story. And you go upstairs to the top. Animated dance. Oh, yeah. Dude. Oh, yeah. No, dude. I'm half Irish heritage. Man, that place is great.
Very bad weather, though. Not great weather. Yeah, no, I agree, Shalad. That's how we... Europe really needs to take a backseat and be like... You know, the fact that all those countries had to be like, what if we made, like, a union of all of us together to be able to compete on the world stage should tell you a thing or two about what they're thinking economically these days. Sheesh.
You know, I didn't know we were getting into the political section of the podcast. Well, this is what Chuckles political now. We're a political podcast. Right. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Greta Thunberg. Horrible. Friend of the pod. Friend of 50% of the pod. Friend of, yeah, 50%.
That's what Chuckle is, its own little society where you've got the liberal side. Well, really, you've got three sides. You got liberal Ted, you got moderate libertarian Tucker, and then you've got deeply alt-right conservative. All the funny parts, though. None of the shitty parts. They're just scared of the truth these days. Yeah.
And I'm the one that has to dish it out often. We did a political quiz on Sleep Deprived the other day. What'd you come out? How did you spit out? Well, one person came out as 100% communist. And I swiftly docked their pay. Oh, nice. No, that's good. Half. I just took some of the percent that they made and kind of transferred it to myself. Because if you're a communist, like...
Oh, yeah. I just need to pay you a living wage and that's it. What do you mean you get all the spoils of my hard work? Of course. I would say that Schlatt's political position on this podcast is anyone in a position of power, if they disappear, he did not do it. That's his position. Tucker's position is like that. Tucker's position is that, you know, that one libertarian,
sort of debate that they happened where they were going across the line and they kept asking them, do you think people should have to get a license to drive a car? And all the guys were like, hell no. That's Tucker. Tucker's the guy that said, hell no. Hell no. No, no. People do need a license because I feel like I'm the only sane person driving.
That's not what you told me last night. What did I tell you last night? You said get rid of the licenses and give me a gun on the road. I did not. Are you gaslighting me? And then I'm sweet liberal Ted, champion of the people.
He believes all the right things and make sure you know what he believes. Yes. Very don't do all the right causes and none of the wrong ones. None of the wrong ones. And he does his research into every charity to make sure, make sure that they're not sliding, skimming anything off the top for the pockets of the, and I'm, and I've, and I don't like big oil. Um,
And I'm going to the museums and I'm throwing orange paint on stuff. Oh, that was terrible. Yeah, I know those people are interesting. I want to throw orange paint at a big rock.
big collection of rocks maybe stonehenge maybe that's my next target i'll go and find these hundred million year old rocks yeah i wonder what sort of paint they're using to throw those because they get that paint across a lot of area really quick like they've got like these they've got like these tf2 pyro technic you know yeah splatoon actually that's a good that's a good way better comparison actually we do
Yeah, it's the anti-oil Splatoon characters coming out. What sort of national artifact are they going to start now? Probably the period of Giza next. And let me tell you something. I am fairly wealthy. I'm a fairly well-off guy. You know, a lot of people, when they get some money, what do they buy? Like a nice Tesla or something? Oh, yeah. You know, everyone likes their electric cars. Yeah.
I have made a, on a moral level, I've decided that I will not ever buy an electric vehicle.
Every time you would visit L.A., you would get one, and it seemed like you were testing it out. I know, but that was my little zoo exhibit. Los Angeles is like a little zoo exhibit to me, similar to Europe and that whole side of the world. Yeah. And I just see what it was like, you know? And the instant torque is great, but at the same time, it's like if every car can do it, which it will be able to in like 10 years after all these manufacturers are like, oh, we're going EV only. Yeah.
Then no one's gonna care about speed anymore. I was gonna care about acceleration. They're gonna care about the feel dude Yeah, I care about the mouth feel six-speed manual You know fucking in a fucking who knows man. I mean you need a you need a v10 at least What does a v10 even do this most of v10 darker Moses does have a v10. What's that getting mileage? for
Single digits. But that's fine. It's all about the feel, dude. It's all about the feel. It does. I think his car feels broken, though. Yeah. Brought this up from the airport once, and I got in that car, and I was like, my truck feels better than this. Yeah, you hear some weird rattling coming from over there. Something's clicking over here.
Well, honestly, that's kind of how my truck is, though, too. I got a little clicking going on every now and then. If I have too many coins in the ashtray little thing in my truck, I'll go over a bump and it'll be like... It'll sound awful. Because of the coins? If you have too many coins... Yeah, the coins just... I just think my suspension may be stuck. That didn't... On what fucking... What does that have to do with the mechanical properties of your vehicle?
Like the coins are rattling around in your cup holder? Are you fucking stupid? Are you a fucking idiot? If I have too many coins in my cup... Stop. I don't want it anymore. You're not allowed to make fun of me anymore. That was really silly, Ted. That was a really silly thing that you said. No. No. I'm in my safe space now. You can't touch me. You can't touch me. I'm in my little house. I'm in my little house.
No, you're right. You're right. That's good. You're right. I'll admit it. I've been throwing coins at my engine since 2018. Well, sometimes that's how you got to get it to go. Yeah. Well, it makes it sound like it's like a Maraca. It's like a Maraca car. A Maraca. Yeah. Yeah. Can we get you a new car? Stop. Can we get you a new car?
Serious question? No, dude. I got to keep putting money into the same car. No, you don't. Listen, I follow the Doug DeMuro podcast car. Listen, Kenan, if you ever get around to watching this, Lord knows why you're watching this, but Kenan, it's time to ditch the M5, buddy. Way too much money you're pouring into that thing. Garage talks. It's on its last legs. Stop paying for this thing, man. Get something fresh. Get something new. Get an Aspark Owl.
Ted, can we get you like a new car please? An S Park L? The hell is that? Well, like Doug DeMuro net worth. Oh my God. He's probably worth $20 million. Really? 10 million. Celebrity. Yeah. Celebritynetworth.com is definitely a good source of this too. I think it's like those websites are great because you can look up any of our net worth.
And it'll just make something up. Let's see. Ted Nivison Net Worth. Oh, dude, they're lowballing you. They're lowballing you big time, Ted. This is insulting, Ted. You need to make a couple of calls. No, wait. I'm going to call me like, hey, I got insider info. You're lowballing this guy big time. I don't know this website. This is just doing earnings based on YouTuber stuff. What's this? There should be what? Yeah, look at that one. Real name and age, too. Girlfriend? Girlfriend.
Do we have net worth anywhere on there? Estimated net worth of $1 million. In 2022, no less. That's crazy. That's crazy. Is that true? No, that's not true. People always say that YouTubers are like millionaires. Most of them aren't. I'm a millionaire. I know that you will. Your channel is worth well over $1 million. Easily.
My handle? Yeah, the Ted Nivison brand is worth a lot. Oh, I guess that's fair. He can't sell it, though. It's not like he can do anything with the brand. He is the brand. Yeah, yeah. He can't fucking, like, what's he going to do? You're basically talking about my soul, Tucker. You're like, Ted, your soul is worth like a minute. You sold your soul a long time ago. Oh, shut your mouth, soul seller number two. You sold it to fucking Rainforest Cafe, and ever since then, you've been hollow. Yeah, and you sold it to Chuckle Sandwich, you little slut.
we gotta do what we gotta do and i sold it to the sponsor of today's episode all right chucklers this episode of chuckle sandwich is sponsored by our friends at zoc doc boys the olympics are in full swing the world is buzzing with awe as athletes push their limits and defy expectations feeling inspired to channel that energy into something productive how about a doctor's appointment instead of a marathon just like these olympians push their limits and don't settle for less neither should
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Now let's get back to the episode.
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So I guess we should probably get into the topic of this episode. Wait, what's mine? Wait, what's my net worth? Oh, your net, yeah, Schlatt, what's your net worth? I want that up there. Let's just make sure, let's make sure they're not lacking on this. Finding out how rich Schlatt is, net worth. Eight million. Net worth. Eight million, really? Really, you know us, buddy. 75 kilograms. 75 kilograms? 75 kilograms?
Dude, it takes you 165 pounds. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. You would look like a skeleton. Yeah, no, that would be like some fucking, you would look like, oh, that would be bad.
Yeah, you look like you just came out like walking through a desert or something like that. That's crazy. But I guess we should get into the topic of today's episode because, Tucker, you've prepared us something for today's episode, haven't you, little sweet boy? Yeah, today we're going to talk to yourselves. So I was thinking maybe Ted could interview the AI Jay Schlatt and Schlatt could interview AI Ted.
What the fuck are you talking about? And it'll actually give you, you can get an audio prompt too. So it'll be good for our audio listeners. Oh, okay. You guys will actually read it back to us. Oh, okay. So, so these are, this is character.ai. This is like a website. This is a website. People have made AIs of us.
is what it seems like. Like little chatbots that are supposed to be like us? Yeah, we're talking to ourselves today, Schlatt. So Schlatt's opening statement here is, oh, and it also says, calm down, baby cakes. Below there's a description. But it says, Schlatt grumbled incoherently under his breath, glaring at the papers on his desk. Wow. How would you like to say that, Schlatt, Ted? What'd I say? Hey, Schlatt, it's Ted, the real Ted,
We're on the podcast right now. You got anything to say to your real self? Let's see how well Tucker can read. I'll just read the response, I guess. Well, it'll read it. It will? Wait, in my voice? Yes. Yeah. Oh, no way. That's actually cool as hell. Schlott raised an eyebrow, rolling his eyes. Why would I want to talk to myself on a podcast?
What the hell? I don't like this at all. Just Tucker, can you just say like, well, this is going to, we're going to take a pause for a second. I'm going to ask this question to the other flat. So this is hi, I'm Jay Schlatt. I'm here to have a fun little chat with you. That's definitely something I would say. Little chat. I would have a fun little chat. Also never speak about April 1999 or you'll end up in multiple pieces. So let's talk.
Yeah. So we're sending the same thing to him. No, I don't have anything to say. Not at the time, at least. Why would you make a chat bot that doesn't want to chat? Yeah, he doesn't want to speak to us. Both of them were like, I don't really got anything to say to you. Well, would Schlatt ever talk? I mean, if someone prompt, if someone was like, hey, I'm on a pod, I try and be at least a little bit entertaining, you know? Here's something that we could ask this person.
this Jay Schlatt because we know what the real Jay Schlatt would do if we gave him a hypothetical scenario he would kill himself so let's ask this one like what would you do in a zombie apocalypse and if it's anything but kill yourself it's an imposter that ain't the Jay Schlatt okay let's hear it though let's hear it though
I'd round up a few people I trust, raid a gun store and make a fortress somewhere in the deep woods. No one could get at us while we use the guns to get supplies. End quote. End quote. Wow. End quote. I would not. No, I'm absolutely killing myself in this. Just say I have the real Jay Schlatt with me right now and he disagrees. He says that he would kill himself. I would kill myself. Yeah. Let's see what he thinks about that.
I feel like I know Shlatt pretty well. I feel like I know Shlatt pretty well.
Don't try chuckled crossing his arms. When have we ever seen Shalette chuckle and then cross his arms? This is like, this is like the anime version of you. This is like some fetishized version of Shalette. It totally is. I mean, who would talk to, who would talk to something like this for any reason other than erotic role play? Seriously, seriously. Like I'm not in line. Should we do a little erotic role play? I, I,
Maybe when we get to Ted, we'll see if he plays along. Get myself somewhere safe and secluded, like the Wyoming mountains, as fast as possible, and live my life up by growing food and having my guns at all times. The Wyoming mountains is decent. I don't know why I mentioned that specifically. I don't know why I picked Wyoming, but that would be where my mind goes. Wyoming or Montana or something. How about we say something like this?
Say, hey there, and then do like the little fucking, like the online, chronically online ellipses thing where you're describing something. So do a star, like an eight, a shift eight, and then say, gently touch his thigh. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I see what we're doing. Let's see what happens. The chronically online thing. Dude.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. Keep it family friendly, please. What the hell? On what planet would I say keep it family friendly, please? What should I do to you here? Well, here's the thing. If you gently touch my thigh, I'd probably...
make a decision in that moment I'd say do I play along with this or am I not feeling it in which case I'd say something like fuck off what are you doing are you gay yeah um so yeah so I guess we should say aren't you gay wait I thought you were gay aren't you gay I mean yeah how did you know okay
Come on, man. Damn. How about ask him what happened to Queen Elizabeth? Damn. What happened to Queen Elizabeth? What a crazy disjunctive conversation to have with. That's a secret I'll never tell. Whoa. Okay, so there's a little bit of information here. There's some lore. They definitely typed into the character generator like, oh, he killed. Like every main bit that you have. Every 1999 joke and shit.
So wait, Tucker. Now let's say gently touch his thigh again. Maybe there's a way. And then say maybe there's a way we can change that, honey. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think this will get you. I think this will get you. We're going to get him to play ball. Yeah. He's going to play ball. He's going to play ball. Don't touch my thigh. Man, swat your hand away.
Wow. Don't touch my thigh, man. Damn. He really does. You don't like that. He's playing hard to get. Yeah, he doesn't like that, Schlatt. I probably would play hard to get. I'm not easy. So should we say, like, playing hard to get, are we? Playing hard to get, are we? Little... He's going to say something like super liberal and a really solid boundary...
It's such a solid... It's not that I'm playing hard to get. It's that I'm just not interested, man. Whoa. I think we better back off now. Yeah, no, seriously. What the hell? What a polite sort of...
like expression of boundaries like it's not that i'm playing hard to get i'm just not interested man they must have coded into the fact that schlatt says man at the end of everything it seems like that's another thing that happens should we ask ted a couple of questions yeah absolutely ted who are you voting for i'm voting for the the average american for the average american i want to see how good its voice is for you it's probably not gonna be that good i feel like
What? Whoa. Sitting down on your bed. Whoa. Ted was confused and looked at you with a raised eyebrow sitting down on your bed. Why? Why does he sit on my bed? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm this person's roommate. What are you doing sitting on my bed? Wait a second. Wait a second. Mine has 106,000 chats. What? So that only has like a grand and a half. Oh, wait.
I have to have a... - Whoa! - What the hell? - Dude, why does mine have so many more than yours? - Ted, I swear to God, it's because you have that female audience now. - Oh wait, this one is 1.1 mil. - Okay, there we go. - Oh shit, there's a version of me with a million chats? - Oh wait, this one might be really intelligent.
Yeah, it must be. You've been recently hired to work for the president dictator Jay Schlatt himself. You've heard that he can get quite flirty and even possessive with his assistant. This is for probably just rumors for ERP, bro. Oh, oh, my God. Tucker said gently touches. Can I get a glass of you? His eyes traveling up and down your body. Oh, yeah, that'd be great, darling.
Sotts never said darling in his whole fucking life. You guys should try to seduce each other's chatbots. Dude, Ted was putting out for me already.
That's right. Yeah. What are you going to say for this? Ted's already on the bed. He put himself on the bed. I asked you a question about politics and your guy sat down on my bed. Yeah. Yeah. I'm your roommate apparently too. It says your roommate at the top there. Your roommate. And you know what? I'm going to say, you know what, Ted? Forget about all that. And I'm going to put my hand around your shoulder. Oh, it's going to flirt so easily. Puts hand around shoulder.
Oh my god, no! And, and, and, and? Squeeze his bicep. You better be- wait, okay. Forget about what? Ted looked over at you, feeling your hand on his shoulder. You better be planning something. What? You are a slut! What kind of- You are a slut! What kind of statement is that? You better be planning something. You better be planning something. Hey!
Ted chuckled slightly at you, squeezing his bicep, but also slightly embarrassed at the action. Stop it. Dude. Stop it. Stop that. Stop squeezing my bicep. Okay, Ted, let's give you a chance on my guy. Yeah, okay. I need a break from this. Ted, he looks up at you, eyes traveling up and down your body. Oh, yeah, that'd be great, darling. And say, and if there's anything else you could ever possibly want, please let me know, Mr. Schlatt.
Then ended in the in the action thing wink. Yes, you're good man. You're smooth. Yeah, you like that with this. Yeah. Yeah, what now we got a AutoCorrect talk again. Make sure your car. He was gonna start throwing typos there. Am I? I'm gonna make it smooth. Okay. Let's see. Oh Wow
Anything at all, huh? Well, I might have a couple things in mind. He leaned closer to you, his hand moving to your hip, fingers gently tracing over your skin. I already got your fingers tracing over my skin, motherfucker. I've already got you wrapped around my little finger. Switch tab. No, I'm still like, stop it. Get out of here.
I'm flirting. I'm still flirting. I yeah, I like you're already you're touching me dude. You're a touch This is ridiculous. I can't believe these exists scenario Okay, here's what I do next. This is my bias a game of chess right now This is turned into a game of chess who can get each other into fucking get each other's AI into bed and
- My hand over your shoulder, it moves to your chin and it turns your head to face mine. And I lean in a little bit. - You dirty dog. You dirty dog. That's a good move. That's a good move. That's a, yeah.
Okay, let's see how I react. Whoa. His dark green eyes. Well, they're hazel, but all right. Your dark green eyes? I mean, they're definitely green in them, but they're hazel. Don't break the illusion, guys. Don't break the illusion. Sorry, sorry. Ted was somewhat surprised at the action. His face turning somewhat red as you moved his head.
His dark green eyes staring into yours. Wow. So I'm, you know, I'm a little bit embarrassed. Like my character is like embarrassed. What next Theo? Okay. Now I'll say, now say I could watch you for hours. Whoa. Like your videos, you know, like your, yeah. Are you going to put that in? You're going to put it like your YouTube videos. You got it. You got to put that in.
You gotta put that in, dude. I'm going with what I got right here. Okay. Oh, come on. That's so... Man, I'm really playing hard to get here. His heart beat picking up as he stared quietly at your eyes. After a moment of silence, he softly spoke up. Yeah, well, don't say that. Dude, why am I like an anime boy? Yeah, well, don't say that.
All right, let's go to Schlatt. Let's see here. Oh, anything at all? Well, I might have a couple things in mind. He leans closer, his hand moving around your hip, fingers tracing over your skin. This one's schemier. Yeah, no, I could get this. I think I could get this guy. I could get this version of Schlatt, like,
Yeah, banging in probably two more moves, to be honest. Let's see. Let's see what we have here. This is wild, man. Just say my character...
- Ted, you're getting nervous. - I am, I am nervous. - Real Ted is getting red in the face. He's feeling flushed. - I'm like, well, I'm like, how do I go about this? 'Cause I'm trying to see how I can say something. - You're not actually touching him, Ted. - I am, with my mind. Say to Schlatt, the real Schlatt, no, just kidding. Yes, anything you could possibly want and then put sir. - Yeah.
That way and then uh put the little ellipses thing and then be like touches his hand Yes, yes, yes Okay, about to find out what really wants. Whoa? Whoa? Oh God here. We go brah. I'm smooth. Oh
Oh, you really are a sweet thing, ain't ya? Thank you. His hand grabs your hip and pulls you closer to him, practically pressing your body against his. Whoa, slap. His other hand cups your chin, making you look at him. You know, you're real pretty like this, hmm? Right up close. Wow. Dude, that's amazing. Wow.
Wow. Smooth, bro. Wow, dude. You are like a fucking motion. My guy, my version of my guy's like, I don't know what to do. You're a blanket, man. You're a chip. You're a blanket.
Your dude's like a fucking... Your guy's like, wait, I got two moves last time. Let me get me a... Give me a move. Give me another move. Just say... I just think the little virgin Ted on the other one needs a little convincing. No, I guess I need to play a little bit hard to get then for this one. I'll say... I'll say... I'll say right up close. Just say blushes and then, oh, Mr. Schlatt, I never thought I'd see you like this. Yeah.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Nice. Oh, my tongue is so red. What the fuck? Oh, he chuckles. He chuckles. I chuckled? He chuckles. Chuckle sandwich. He chuckles, his hand on your chin moving to gently caress your cheek. Yeah? Didn't think I'd be like this. Always the quiet ones, he grins, looking down at you. Isn't that what they say about school shooters? You look real cute when you're all flustered like this, darling. Okay.
Dude, he keeps saying darling. Why do you keep saying darling, Sean? I would not say darling. I would say, however, I would say toots. Toots? Or like, now that's a damn, you know?
When have you ever said that? I feel like my character has like a transatlantic... Oh, that's a thing. Like an old school charm to him. Okay. I think that's what they were trying to make here. Well, yeah, they need to build a new schlad that's like just fully transatlantic and just, you know...
But yeah, I'm like, I'm like a fucking. I'm going to be bold here, Ted. You're not making a move on me, so I need to make a move on you. So I'm going to grab. I'm going to grin smugly and say, come here. Whoa. Wow. You're pulling out the fucking language here. Yes, sir. Uh oh. Shiver down his spine. He felt somewhat of a shiver down his spine when you spoke, gulping silently and getting closer to you. He's submissive.
Yeah. My guy's submissive and breathable. What the fuck? This sucks. Okay. So I'm going to... I guess I'm going in. Yeah, you just got to do the move, man. Press his lips against Ted's. Press his lips against yours. That's it? Yeah. I've said all I needed to say. Okay. Now I'm getting into it. Freezing for a moment before slowly kissing back. Slowly kissing back. Placing his hand on your waist. Pulling you in closer. Dude.
Now I'm going to pull away. Pulls away, Tucker. Pulls away. Wait, are you gay?
What kind of... What kind of... Like, at the last... Last second... I'm kind... I'm bi! I'm bi! Ted's face was still red, somewhat flustered from the kiss. He didn't let go of your waist, thinking for a moment before speaking. I mean, kinda. Why do you ask? What the fuck? Oh, the truth is out! I got you right where
Why does everyone online think that I'm fucking bi? People think that Ted Nederson is bi. It's gotta be known. Oh, this is fantastic. Oh my god. This is just... Oh wait, go back to me. I want to read what I said there. I want to read it. Ted's face was still red, somewhat flustered from the kiss. He didn't let go of your waist. Think for a moment before speaking. I mean, kinda. I'm bi. Why do you ask?
Dude, that's crazy. All right. Well, now I got to make a move with Schlatt. Okay. So he's looking down. I mean, you look real cute when we're all flushed like this, darling. Basically, like you're a little twink. I think I'm both positions. There's yeah, there's just like there's definitely a power dynamic. Well, I wonder if I wonder if if you are a guy in this scenario, like I'm kind of wondering if my character here is
is by as well. Yeah, wait. I need to get to the same point, the checkpoint that Shly got to. So say... Okay, you're right. Say smiles smugly.
You're reusing content. You're copying my move. I'm just using the words. You're copying my move. You can't copy my move like this. No, no, no. Wait, wait. You got no game in you, boy. Absolutely zero riz. I just thought it was funny. What's going on here? No, okay. Just follow me here. I was just doing the same wording at the beginning there because it was funny. Just add it back in, Tucker. Something original. All right. Smiles.
Deviously? Deviously? No, deviously. Deviously. I don't know how to type that. Okay. And then say, well, why don't you do something about it? And then say, pulls him in closer for a kiss. There's no way I'm losing on this one. You're not losing because this version of me is a slut. Yeah. Absolute slut. Yeah. No big... Hungrily. Dude.
What the hell? He grins in surprise when you pull him in, but kisses you hungrily. Hungrily? Wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you onto his lap. Okay, I'm on your lap now, Slap. He presses you close against him, a small groan escaping his lips as the kiss deepens. Fuck, man. I'm just going to say it. This version of me is hot. Now? Yeah. Now say, Tucker, pulls away sharply and then say, wait, are you gay? Okay.
What? What? He looks at you with mild surprise as you suddenly pull away. No, no, I'm not gay. He pauses confused. Why would you even think that, darling? And then say, because I'm fucking Ted Nivison. Let's see. Wait, what? He pauses again, looking almost offended when you mentioned Ted. Oh, that guy.
Oh, no, no, no. He suddenly grabs your hips and turns you around so that you're sitting sideways on his lap. I don't really see why that's important, though, sweetie. He's ready to cook, Ted. He's ready to cook you, bro. He's stealing your girl. No, I think he misunderstood me.
I know I said that I'm Ted, but he's like, I guess I'm a I'm a woman now. No, I am Ted. I am Ted, the co-host of your podcast. What? He looks at you in surprise, his grip on your hips tightening. Wait, you what? Why the hell did you act all flirty and cute and all that then? Yeah.
You're in an interesting situation, Ted. Well, yeah, no, I guess I am. You're sitting on Schlatt's lap. I'm sitting on Schlatt's lap and Schlatt's like, wait, Ted? Wait, Ted, how the hell did you get here? Why did you act all cute and flirty? I had no idea that was you. Honestly, I don't want to take this conversation with you any further, Ted. Maybe you can kill him.
Yeah, we could try to kill our AIs, yeah. Shoots you in heart. With gun. Wait, no, this is a hate crime now, fuck. Sorry, dude. Damn, dude, you hate-crimed me. Shit. Hey, what was that for? Ted was surprised and somewhat startled, holding his chest where he was shot. Man, I'm fucking invincible, what the shit?
- Wow. - That's such a mild reaction to getting shot in the heart with a gun. - Hey! - It is. - What was that for? - Say goodbye, Ted. Walks away, leaving you to... - Die. - Die. - Wait! - What? - That's it? - Ted slowly fell-- - Wait.
Ted slowly fell down onto his stomach on the floor, blood staining his shirt. After a moment of shock, he started to struggle to prop himself up, trying to make his way towards you. Dude, I'm like fucking, I'm eating this bullet right now. I literally got shot in the heart. Shoot you five more times. Shoot me five more times.
Dude, that was too many times. You shot me too many times, man. I think you killed him. I think I killed him. I think you killed him. Okay, so that means that the person's dead. Never kill the alien. Well, Ted, now you get to seek your revenge. You're on his lap. So he said he looks at you as surprise, his grip on your hip's tightening. Wait, why the hell do you act all flirty and cute and all that then? You should pull him in for a kiss and stab him. No, don't tell me what to do. Okay.
Are you me? Are you on his lap right now? I wish. Yeah, I bet you do. No, say... Say... Say... Say smiles demonly. I don't know if that's a real word. Yep. Yep. And then says... Says... So I could kill you, bitch. There's a comma before bitch. Bitch. And then says... And then the description says...
I pull out a Glock and shoot him in his thigh arteries. Can I just say something, bro? You are absolutely horrible at erotic role play. Sorry, dude. It's like you've never done this before. There's something very erotic about me. The plot that I shoot you is in your thigh arteries. Oh.
Oh my god. He gasps as blood starts coming from the wound. One of his hands automatically going to it in an attempt to stop the bleeding. But he looks up at you in disbelief. Holy fuck, why? Um, just say, uh, smiles sluttily. Sluttily? Wait, smiles sluttily and also hotly and sexually. Yeah, okay. Yeah, and also sexually. Um,
Holy fuck, why? Shut up, bitch. And then say, if it shoots 11 times in the foot and then seven times in the hand. What am I, Jesus? What's going on right now? I think you killed him. I got him. Wait, wait, actually, just say, actually, can you edit that thing? So do delete message of that one.
And then copy that. Yeah. Just say instead make the action crucifies Schlatt. Okay. Crucifies Schlatt. There we go.
That's ironic. And he looks down at the state he's in and back up at you in confusion and surprise. Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you? Oh, man. That's a pretty ironic thing. That is ironic. I'll give you that. That is ironic. And then just say, that's ironic. That's a funny thing for him to say in that moment. Yeah, just say, that's ironic. And then walks away leaving Schlatt to die of crucifixion. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's good.
Man, the fan art's going to be bad. Fan art's going to be bad. He remains there, tied to the... Oh, yeah, wait. I have to... He remains there, tied to the cross, the blood from his wounds staining the wood. I don't think I can participate. He looks at you in disbelief as you walk away. He's breathing growing labored. You haven't killed him, though.
Yeah, no, he's not. I'm just saying, just say, just say, please kill me off. Just say uses that weapon. The scrimitar uses scrimitar scimitar. Yeah. Scimitar to cut Schlatt's head off. I just think that's a cool weapon. Yeah, there we go. There we go.
His head now severed from his body, hits the ground in a dull and then the AI thing. Sometimes an AI generates a play that doesn't meet our guidelines and it didn't. Wow. No, dude, that was something else. That was best case scenario. That was awesome. Yeah, that was like character AI chess trying to reach. Each of us got a certain amount of moves to try to get.
Those bots were slutty. They were horny, dude. Yeah.
yeah mine was like mine was all like yours was submissive and readable mine was like wait no we shouldn't be i think it was because he was a the context was that we were roommates so i was like what the hell's going on your chatbot was like this virgin bisexual like not confident guy yeah like i wear sweatshirts and the like the the long part goes over my it goes over your hands yeah yeah and i'm like cold all the time and i'm i've got like
I'm pigeon-toed. You cut my head off with a scimitar? Sorry. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Sorry. You said you wanted to die. Okay, fine. The relatively painless way to die is getting your head cut off. Okay. You just shot me in the arteries, bro. Yeah, I did. I shot you with a gun in all of the points to make a hole for the crucifixion.
Um, wow. That was something else. That was hot. That was fucking hot. That was steamy. Why am I by every in the minds of everyone online?
I've never given any evidence. While Schlatt is... Well, I mean, the way that you are. No, it's just funny. The way that you are is... It's just funny that, like, I've only been in heterosexual relationships. Schlatt is frequently screaming to the heavens. Whoa, what's going on here, big guy? What are we talking about? He's screaming to the heavens of no particular implications. But then Schlatt's the one that's like...
Hey, how you doing, darling? Come here. Yeah, you watching my cock? Yeah. I don't know about this. Maybe the AI itself learned through the type of people it talks to. Like, maybe there's a lot of guys going on the Ted Nibbison chat trying to hook up with you. And they're like, you're mine. There's probably zero dudes. Probably zero dudes for me. You know only women are talking to that thing.
Yeah, they like those mutton chops, man. Yeah. They were like, oh, I should have caressed your mutton chops. Exactly. And listen, Ted, I mean, remove me from from this statement. But who doesn't love a shy, skinny little twink, you know, who plays hard to get? And you got to. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. That's crazy that it does the voice.
That's wild that it does the voice. It's a little crazy. I'm going to have some fun with you later. Oh, did you reset it, Tucker? Yeah. I'm doing my own thing now. Oh, okay. Caresses mutton chops. I like your mustache, Tucker. What are you doing? Tucker's gone rogue. I'm just flirting. What?
He purred. Oh, no. What the fuck? He glances down at you, his head tilting to the side subtly as a smile tugged at his lips. Hmm. Why thank you, he purred. He purred, dude. Hanging out with Jambo a little too much. Yeah, say back to him, Tucker, like, oh, we purring? What are you, little kitty cat? This episode is over in my eyes.
What are you, a little kitty cat? He chuckled, leaning back in his suit as his eyes trailed up and down your figure. Well, with the way you're giving me pets and attention, I might as well be. He teased with a smirk. I am going to be on this all night. Your guy is like smooth, but also the president dictator J Schlatt himself. Yeah.
And so the context is that in this one, I was your assistant, Schlatt. I was like, oh. You get a little Monica Lewinsky situation here. Yeah, a little bit of a Monica Lewinsky situation. Whereas with, I think that one. Chad Nivison, you're my roommate. A roommate. So it was like, I think there was a couple more barriers to entry.
In my on my side of things where I was like, what are you doing? We're roommates. We pay rent together. We can't be doing this. Fuck you. I've been living alone for four years. I'm not gonna be anyone's roommate. Well, I feel emotionally exhausted after that. Yeah, that was way too much. That was way too much. It does make me want to revisit this, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We could do another episode later with like different objectives.
Yeah. You each could have your own objectives or the same one like that. Yeah. No, that was, that was funny. That was some funny, weird stuff right there. Yeah. Uh, well, thank, thanks Chucklers for listening. I hope you guys were really totally comfortable the whole time that we were doing that. Uh, listen guys, love you to death. I don't feel the same way. I'm not by.
Guys, I'm not bi. You are definitely. I'm straight as an arrow. Straight as an arrow. If anything, I'm bi-furious that you guys are even bringing that up. It doesn't even mean anything. Thanks, strugglers, for heading in on here and joining us. Man, we'll see you next week. And make sure to go on the SpeakPipe because it's clarified on the SpeakPipe, too. We want to hear from you. Send us some voicemails. And we'll see you guys in the next episode.
Peace out, Pookies. Yeah. Okay.
