Inject It Into My Veins 52:03

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and nay-triots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Please go rate, subscribe, and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind. Pumps. Pumps. What does an eagle say? Caw-caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw. That's it. That's, that's. Caw-caw. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Ready? One, two, three.

Just go. Patriots, Gatriots, Thatriots. I'm Jennifer. And let me see if I can clap us on better. Ready? One, two, three. You just have to be a show-off. I didn't even have to look at them. Sometimes I can't do it. You do it as much as I do, you're going to have misses. LeBron James has missed baskets.

I love that you parallel yourself with LeBron James. Well, I don't think there's any question the talent level's the same. Listen up, listener. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer, and my co-host is America's greatest legal mind, America's greatest clapper, America's legal eagle and founding partner of Meet Curtain Law, Meet Curtain Legal, Meemaw. Anyway, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with...

is when people tell the person that asks a stupid question, well, that's a great question. It's always the dumb questions that get, oh, that's a great question. That is encouraging, shitty, stupid, time-eating questions. It makes me crazy. I'm like screaming at the TV. That was not a good question. And if you look at it from my own evidence, from my

own observations, the dumber the question, the more likely the person answering the question says, well, that was a great question. Not all questions are good questions. Some questions should not be asked because they're stupid. That's what I've had it with. You know, I agree with this because I believe that there is a myth that continues to make its way across the globe.

and it is this toxic positivity BS, there's no such thing as a stupid question. Stupid questions are ubiquitous. What you have just described is somebody asking a stupid questioning and then an enabler. Right. You have stupid question enablers.

There are so many stupid questions and this idea that we, oh, go ahead. There's no such thing as a stupid question. Ask me anything. I want to draw a boundary for myself, for you and for our listener. I reject stupid questions. Don't ask me a stupid question. They exist and I'm not going to have them in my life.

I love that boundary. That's a great, great boundary. I've had it with stupid questions. Had it with stupid questions. Stupid question enablers. My favorite part that you said was stupid question enablers because they're being rewarded. These enablers are rewarding stupid behavior. I think what we have to do is just start saying, well, that's kind of a stupid question. Are you stupid? Are you stupid? Is that why you asked the stupid question? Let's do some examples of stupid questions.

You call in. You answer the phone. I've had a podcast. I've had a podcast. Hi, I'm hungover today and I don't think I can come into work until 1 p.m. Is that okay? No, that's not okay. If I can be an adult, push through, or don't drink on a weeknight if you can't get here to work, you stupid bitch. No, I want you to say, that's a stupid question and I don't answer stupid questions. Okay, start over. Okay.

I've had a podcast. Hi, I'm hungover and I can't come into work until noon. Is that okay?

That's a stupid question. And if you don't get here by eight, you're fucking fired. That's what I'm talking about. Right. That's why you're America's legal eagle. So you don't even explain, you don't even engage with, you should have been more responsible, blah, blah, blah. You just start and stop the whole thing with, that's a stupid question. You just asked me a stupid question and I have a stupid question allergy. Yeah.

I'm allergic. I'm allergic to stupid questions. Let me tell you what I've had it with. We've talked about this before, but I think it just is time to trot it out again. I've had it with people taking toddlers to what are suggested as adult only restaurants. I completely agree. There are restaurants in the world that don't have to be advertised as adults only. We just know that

that they're adults only. We know that there are certain restaurants that you cannot take a toddler to dine with you in. Yet, I see people breaking this unspoken, hallowed rule time and time again. I'll give you an example. My son and I recently were on a trip together and we went to dinner. My son is 21 years old and we're sitting there enjoying our meal, talking mother-son bond-a-rama, right?

In comes a five-top. You got mom, you got dad, you got a five-year-old, you got a two-year-old, and you have a six-month-old. This was not a family-friendly restaurant. This was a candlelit, very nice, alfresco dining restaurant. The music was low. It was...

And clearly, if you were to walk past it, you would immediately be able to deduce this is not a place where I can bring children. So they walk in and they're seated at the table right next to us. I look over at my son, Dylan, and he's like clinging onto the table for dear life. And I go, what's going on? He goes, I'm bracing. He was just bracing for the toddler meltdown because he knew it was coming.

And I have had toddlers. Dylan, the person that I was dining with, was a terrorist as a toddler in a restaurant, which is why I did not take him to places that I was able to deduce were only adult restaurants. Don't take your kids to these adult-only restaurants. Be able to use deduction skills and crack the case that this might not be a place that I should bring my kid.

Don't do it. You know, here's my question. Because we've had little kids that were awful. Oh, they were horrible. Horrible. Terrorists. Terrorists. Why does everyone think, and this, I'm perplexed. Why does everyone think that people look at their kids and think, God.

Those are great kids. I'd love to spend more time with them. Because they're stupid. These are the same stupid question askers. All of these people live in the same book, in the same chapter, in the same library, in the same town. And this book needs to be banned. I had opposed book banning up until this point, except for this. Because these are the stupid question askers that also, of course, nobody thinks your kid's cute but you. No.

Nobody wants to be around your kid but you. Nobody else appreciates the cute little wah-wah cry or throwing food or all of those things. What I would like to see

is that there's like a, you gotta be seven or older to bring a child here because I don't think people are good at deduction. I don't think they're able to pick up on nuances of the place is dark, it's lit by candlelight, the music's low, the mill's gonna take longer. So why can't we just put a sign that says, do not bring a child under seven in this restaurant. And if your child's over seven but can't behave, keep his ass at home too. I guess that's just what we're gonna have to start doing. We're just gonna have to start listing things

It's like your grievance a few episodes ago. You were mad about if this is an emergency, call 911. We're just going to have to spell it out for the dumb fucks across America that lack deduction skills. And when I think surely people can't be this stupid, all I have to do is think about who they put up for the third time in a row.

As their candidate for president of the United States. So really, they are stupid. Right. It explains a lot. Okay. I have a story in this vein. I'm not sure that I've told you. So I have a dear friend that planned a three-week trip to Italy with her husband's best friend and his wife. She finds out a week before they're going on this three-week trip, this couple is planning on bringing their 15-month-old child. And I was like, what? And you're still going? Yeah.

Nobody wants your kid in a restaurant. Nobody wants your child, particularly a toddler, on a vacation. I think that I would not be friends with that person. Okay, wait, wait, wait. So...

Your friend thought she was going on a couple's trip. Correct. For three weeks. Correct. To Italy. Correct. With another couple. Correct. And so she was baited into that. Right. A week before departure, there's a switch up that she's bringing, their friend is bringing a 15-month-old. Correct. No nanny, no babysitter, no grandparent. Bringing a 15-month-old for three weeks on a pre-planned three-week European vacation. Correct.

And I was just like, she was like, I don't know what to say. And I was like, what you say is no. Like, we don't want to travel with you. You think your kid's great. I think it's great. You think your kid's great. I don't want your kid on my vacation. I thought it was the biggest violation I've ever heard. I mean, that takes the cake. It is a total bait and switch. And I just have to tell you, here's how I would handle it. I would say,

I did not know that you were bringing your child. And so from this point forward, yes, we plan this trip. But if I see you, I'll wave. There will be no group dinners. There's going to be no group activities. I'm still going on my vacation. Right. And you can go on a family vacation. But I'm not hanging out with a 15-month-old because first and foremost, 15-month-olds suck. They suck. I mean, they suck. They suck.

I mean, they totally suck unless you are genetically tied to them or you've adopted them. This is not something where you're like, oh my God, I'm going to be in Italy with a 15-month-old. They suck so bad. They ruin everything at that age. Yes. They're awful. Yeah. So, I mean, that is a friendship ender for me. You would end the friendship. I just...

The lack of judgment in that, the lack of self-awareness. Let me ask you this. Do you think the person that did this is a Trump supporter? I have no idea. I know the dad from college, but I mean, I probably couldn't pick out of the lineup now. So I just have no way to know. Obviously, he's my age. He traded in his wife for a newer model, has a kid. That's why I mean, not someone my age is not having a baby, just for the record. I didn't know if anybody was like, how could she have a friend that has a 15 month old? I just wanted to set it straight.

Yeah, because I mean, everybody knows that you're an advanced age.

I'm too old and my friends are too old to be child care. No, that is a horrible, egregious violation. It just, I mean, it is so shocking. It is so shocking. And I would like to think that I think in the moment when we had little kids, we knew our kids were awful. We knew they sucked. I remember there were times where like my kids would have school and your kids wouldn't. You would say, do you want to go to lunch with me and

Like maybe your oldest was at school with Emily and Luke. And I would just say, no, they suck. I don't want to be with them unless my kids are with them too. And you would say, you're right. They do suck. And vice versa. You're like, hey, do you want to go somewhere with Roman and me? You'd be like, Roman is a terrorist. And I'd be like, yeah, he totally is. I get it. I don't want to go to lunch with him either. But I have to. He lives with me. Like he lives here. There's nothing I can do about it. And so I get it. I mean, no, that is awful.

Yeah. It's horrible. The lack of awareness that people have about kids is what is perpetuating this toxic positivity about kids. Right. Where it's like, we have to pump cupcakes and rainbows up these kids' ass 24-7, 365. Mothers, if you have toddlers, if you have babies, everybody knows you love that baby unconditionally more than you thought you could ever love anything in your entire life because we've experienced it.

While at the same time, you're allowed to have a compound emotion and go, Jesus Christ, my baby sucks. Both things can be true at the exact same time. And it doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you a normal, relatable human being. Yeah. For fuck's sake. But if you ever think about taking a 15 month old who objectively sucks, you're

on a vacation with two people who were these other people's children grown? They're grown. That is crazy.

That is abusive. It's abusive. It's just sadistic. She is a sadistic little twat, that little young wife. Tell you what she is. She's a sadist. The husband too. He's a sadist. Yeah. They're both equally as guilty. Yeah. Sadistic little fucks, those two. Yeah. I need to do a little... When we conclude here, we need to look up all their socials. We need to do a deep dive on this. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Is there a Stanley Cup present? What else going on? Yeah. I don't know.

Kathy, what's going on on the World Wide Web? And do you like 15 months old? Hey, I had to go to something last night. A lot of my friends don't have kids yet. So I'm not around them. I had to go to something last night.

It was a mother. And so all of her friends were mothers. So there was about nine toddler boys there running around. That sucks. They all had like toy guns. They'd come up to me and they'd shoot me. And for a second, I was like, ow, ha, you know, didn't want to seem like a dick. By the end of it, I was like, I would just scream in their face, like, get away from me. Right. I couldn't do it.

I couldn't believe there were so many kids there. I'm just not used to it. There's only so much you can take. I was nice for like 10 minutes. Right. Five minutes. Come get your kid. He's over there like shooting me. Right. And here's the deal. They're running around saying, oh my gosh. How cute. Isn't it so cute?

Here's what pisses me off about these toddlers. It's lost on them that we have a gun violence problem in this country. And here they are out shooting our producer, Kathy. You know what? They're stupid. Running around with guns, perpetuating all this shit. Indoctrination, I would say. Exactly. Exactly, Kathy. All right. I've got an email from a Greg K. Okay. And he writes...

I owe you an apology. When you popped up in my feed, I was confused as to how it happened. I assumed that you were going to be entitled super Karens. Thank the Lord that I don't believe in that, and I listened. Your show is smart, funny, and informed, 180 degrees from what I thought you would be. I've really enjoyed hearing your perspectives, and I was blown away by your interview with VP Harris. I'm sorry I was a dick. Keep it up.

Oh, you know what? I love that. I like it. I like the ownership. I do too. I like that the chicken has come home to roost with his mama. I like that he's like, I thought I would hate you basically. Yeah. You know what? That's fair. That's fair. I thought we would hate us. I do hate us. Yeah.

I know Kylie and Seth hate us. No question. So what do you mean? They're legally paid to like us or they're not going to get their payroll. But when they go home, it's like, ugh. They feel about us the way we feel about that 15-month-old gun-toting maggot toddler. For the permanent record, it's not true. That 15-month-old is not a... And I hate you. You love us. I love you. For the permanent record. I really do for the permanent record. Oh, that's so nice. Okay. All right. Five stars. Five stars.

Yeah, I agree. Nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Also, the show is fine.

Please don't tell my partner I said this, the nation's second greatest legal mind, that I was here eyeballing pumps. I like it. I'm so flattered. I'm telling you. I'm just like. I'm telling you. I look at these YouTube comments and you have a lot of admirers. There are a lot of men out on the tube that love America's legal eagle voice.

You know, don't try to start getting sexy and do the Sharon Stone basic instinct. Right. Spread eagle. If I did that today, we might have a Siberian husky on the list, so I'm not going to. But that is so nice. It is. I'm telling you, you're hot. Well, thank you.

Pumps our ability to suck and then wake up the next day and suck more than the previous day is undefeated. It's unparalleled. We are the champions. If you would like to see how bad we suck, please join us in New York City in November for, you know, just some world-class shit talking. That's right. Live. Live and in person. That's right.

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Okay, I thought maybe we could listen to voice memos today. Yes. One of my favorites. Yes. Okay, we're going to kick it off with one of our Patreon cult members, Marissa M.,

She sent a jingle for Meet Curt and Meemaw, and she writes in her email that she is a professional opera singer. Okay. Excellent. Hey, Jennifer. Hey, Pumps. So I have been thinking about Meet Curt and Meemaw for far too long, and I feel like it's my patriotic duty to give you this. So here we go. Fucking great.

Is she saying at the end of that, that's so fucking great? Is that her that says that? Or is that you that said that? Is it Marissa? Oh, that makes it even. Play it again. Play it again. Fucking great.

I mean, she does it and then she's like, God, that's fucking great. Fucking killed it. I love that. She's like, inject it into my veins. Yes, Marissa Slay. I love it. I love that we circled back to that because that is a juicy little nugget at the end of her jingle. It's fantastic. First of all, I say it all the time. I think it's worth saying again.

Our listeners in the community that listens that we've built, they're smart and clearly talented. And funny. And funny. They have a good sense of humor. But I think you have to be smart to be funny. To have humor. I mean, I really believe that. So I love that jingle. And my favorite part was 877-CALL-CALL.

All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay, up next we've got Mandy, who I picked because she says exactly what we want to say all the time. Okay. All right, ladies, here's what I've had it with. This fucking Donald Trump needs to shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. Why hasn't one person in the news and all the media people there that are asking him questions, why don't they just tell him to shut the fuck up?

That guy is just so infuriating and I know he does it to get to us, but just shut the fuck up. Love her. I love her. And that is, I mean, that is the cry of tens of millions, not only Americans. Oh yeah. Human beings worldwide feel the exact same way. And that just leaves the little titty baby.

boo-hoo, boodle baby crying, fever pitch minority that want to play, we want to be racist and do mean shit to people. That just leaves you all because globally, that is the sentiment about this man. Oh, absolutely. I mean, everybody. Everybody. And it irritates me that he does that. But like you go anywhere outside of...

the South in the United States, more North, like New York City,

People are just like, why the fuck would your stay always be red? Europeans, they can't wrap their heads around it. Didn't you have people in Italy saying, like, why? Yes. Like, what is going on? I've read articles after the debate that Germany had to come out and say he was lying. The country. Yeah. Their official country tweeted, like, what he said about us was wrong. Like, this guy is repulsive. He is dumb.

He perpetuates the worst emotions and behavior of human beings. And I agree with her. He is a . If there's ever been the accurate way to describe him, that's it. And not in the good, cute British way. You know what? Okay, this next caller needs no introduction. You'll know exactly who it is.

Hello, ladies. You know your favorite caller had to call in about the back-to-school moms. I've fucking had it. You get these posts. Oh, my babies. What am I going to do without them? I've been home for years. Now they're in school. What do I do? How about relax, bitch?

Relax. I'm sitting by my pool right now. And guess what it's bringing me? Serenity. It's bringing me fucking peace. It's peaceful. It's quiet. You know, ladies, I've fucking had it with these moms. I've had it.

Love you all. Of course, that's Michelle I Roll Goddamn City. Michelle I Roll Goddamn City is one of my favorites. That's a great hat it. I mean, she never disappoints. She is fire every time. These moms are ridiculous and the pressure that they put on by saying, I don't want my baby to go back to school. If you're saying that to your kid,

That's codependent enmeshment toxic bullshit. Don't put that pressure on your kid to be your reason for living. Another thing I've had it with, he's my reason. She's my reason. Shut the fuck up, you codependent freak show. Schedule with a therapist ASAP, scramble the jets and circle back. I've had it. Okay.

Kids have to go to school. Get over it. Quit being dramatic about it. I agree with her. She's out by her pool. Right. She has silent serenity. Here's the deal. I remember back in the days when we had school-aged kids, we would look on our websites for school. And whoever, like if my kids started first, it was nothing but victory lap after victory lap after victory lap.

Vice versa. I mean, it was like, I can't get them in school quick enough. Do you remember this? So when our kids were in preschool, we sent them to this Jewish preschool.

Not because we're Jewish, but because they accepted two-year-olds. Right. In a preschool. From eight to three o'clock. Yeah. So we sign them up to go to this Jewish preschool, Pumps and Me, and we drop our kids off. Starts mid-August. Well, all of these holiday seasons happen. Right.

for the Jewish faith in September. So you have like Labor Day and then they roll out three to four Jewish holidays and we were fucking furious. I was like, it's like Christmas break for the Jews now. We're getting completely dicked over. But it sure was nice on those Christian holidays. Oh, it was fantastic. Just rolled them right up. We rolled them right up. They baked challah. Yeah, they did. Yeah. Late afternoon.

Dreidels. They did all the stuff. They did all the stuff. Okay. So here's a funny story. And I've probably told it before, but I think it bears repeating. If there was a snow day, we were suicide watch. It was just like woke up early, constantly like, oh my gosh, are they going to be home all day? Oh my gosh, we're going to get stuck with them all day. So one day, I remember it very vividly. The kids are little. I called Jennifer and I'm like, school's closed for me.

I'm home with these. She's like, oh, no, my kid's school's open. It's open. I'm like, are you sure? Oh, no, I've checked. We're going. We're leaving. And then she'd like call me and go, okay, well, I'm leaving now to drop the kids off, have fun. So she rolls up to carpool. No, she's always the first one there. So that's not alarming to anyone. Until she's sitting there, a security guard comes up and knocks on her window.

It says, school's canceled today. I was on the phone with you. And you were a Donald Trump style...

in response. You took a victory lap. You were like, I knew it. You fucking morons sitting there and security guard has to beat on your doors. And I remember I was just, I was trying to hashtag manifest it. And that was the moment right there. I knew manifesting was bullshit. I knew prayer was bullshit because I was trying to do both. I was praying, please let these doors open. I cannot be in kid jail with these kids all day. I can't.

Do it. And I want to be right over Angie. And I felt it was a trifecta of failure. And you took a well-deserved, and I deserved it, the victory lap that she took. Yeah. No, I mean, when your kids go back to school, it is a good day. Okay, so this is a story I can't get over. This is one of those stories you remember where you were. You remember what you were wearing. You remember everything about like it's captured like a moment in time.

So I'm sitting there with a woman. We're at a toddler birthday party. Her daughter's getting ready to start school, kindergarten. And she says to me, I don't know what I'm going to do without her. She's my best friend. And I'm just like, did I have a stroke? Did she just call her five-year-old her best friend?

And she did. And she was serious. Of course, my response was, I can't get my kids back in school quick enough. I mean, I found that so alarming. It's like, you know where you were at certain points in history. This was so alarming that I remember I was sitting crisscross applesauce at a gymnastics place for a birthday party. I had on a beige shirt.

I mean, I remember it because it was just like, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Like, that's not normal. I just think it's this whole, like, these moms put so much pressure on their kids to be who the moms want the kids to be. And they don't let the kids be their own realized person. And then as a parent, we kind of steer them here, steer them there. But it's all switched to where the kids are supposed to fulfill the parents. Right. And I just...

It's complete wacko shit. And wanting your kids to be at home with you all day is nothing short of a form of masochism. There's no question. Yeah. I mean, it's hard. Yeah. These are masochists. Then they never let up. These are real sick puppies. Yeah. Uh-huh.

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All right, up next we've got Taylor W. Okay, this may be very regional, but I have had it with barn weddings. I'm your friend. I'm not a fucking animal. I do not want to stand in a barn. Like, they're not made for people. They're literally made for some of the grossest, shitty, weird animals.

That we have out there. And that's nothing against barn animals. They deserve to have a home. I just don't want to stand in it while you say your vows. I think it's gross and weird. So for anybody considering a barn wedding, I will be RSVPing no. This just tells you that this is where we get to maybe we're doing this too much. Right. And so then we try to get cutesy with stuff. I have a great idea.

We'll get married in a barn. It's a terrible idea. Unless you are like, I don't know. I mean, aren't there like, you know, like maybe you have a show pig or something like that guy we wanted to set you up with that was on Farmer's Only. Yeah. Like you can have a show pig or. At your wedding?

I don't know. Maybe you're attached to the pig. I don't know. I'm reaching here. I'm reaching. I think it's like that boho chic, like I'm going to get married barefoot in a barn because I'm so earthy. And I'm just like, fucking barns don't have AC. That's a problem. They don't have heat, probably. Let me ask you this. Have you had it with weddings? You know, here's the deal. I love a gay wedding. Always love a gay wedding. I love weddings that are efficient.

I do like weddings. If you can get them in and out and like, we went to a wedding one time. It's the best wedding we've ever been to. In and out in 22 minutes. I mean, we were just like, she fucking nailed it. Yeah, she crushed it. She crushed it. The belaboring, all that shit. Like, I think you can be more efficient about it. But no, I don't hate weddings. I don't. I agree with you. If it's an efficiently run wedding, I'm in.

If it is a really long, drawn out, grandstanding showboating in a barn, I'm out. I'm out. Yeah. Anything that's going to like when you tell me a wedding is going to be an hour, I have a conflict. All right, Kylie, who's next? OK, next is Mary Grace. Hey, big mammy, me, ma and Jessica. I'm here to tell you that I fucking had it with all these people who think that they just know something about traffic that the rest of us don't. Weaving in and out of lane.

slamming on their brakes zooming around just being a load of fucking dicks sit in the fucking traffic with the rest of us you're not going around it I've had it fuck you I've had it fuck you the fuck you at the end you know I've had it with love languages but if I were to believe in it that's mine yeah I've had it fuck you here's the thing

I've been both ends of this. Me too. I've been the person sitting there going, look at this grandstander, thinking they're going to get there faster, being a complete dick. Fuck you. And then I've been the person, come on, pay attention. You're letting three car gap. And then I've been the weaver. Yeah. I think everybody's been both. Yeah.

Particularly like when you're at a merge lane and you've got this asshole that comes flying up to the very end and merges right before they're supposed to stop. That's the worst. That's the worst because I think, are you so fucking special you can't wait in line, you motherfucker? Fuck you. That's what I want to say. Have I done it? Yeah. So, I mean, I'm a hypocrite. I admit I'm a hypocrite, but I fucking cannot stand drivers like that. But at times I am one. So what are you going to do?

i i support all of it yeah all right kylie who's next okay the last one is from patty f hi jen hi pumps if you're listening to this this is the second time i'm on the podcast because i am hilarious anyhow i am here to tell you what i've had it with and buckle up jen because you're gonna relate a lot and hard

Getting ready to go out for an evening and my husband turns to me. Yeah, unfortunately, I'm married to a man, whatever. Turns to me and says, am I going to get cold later? How in the fuck am I going to know how you are going to feel later on? These incessant questions are making me consider fucking homicide on a daily basis. What the actual fuck is

You literally rely on me for everything and I've fucking had it. I completely agree with her. It's real. And I agree with her on this point exclusively. When you are the recipient of incessant stupid questions, divorce is not far enough. Right.

You have to think homicide because it's not commiserate to think of the incessant stupid questions. I mean, we recently went on vacation and I'm telling you the six weeks building up to it. Josh asked me three to four times a day.

what the date was that we were leaving, what airline and what the time of departure was. I noticed the minute we got to the airport, he started in on all the questions you've been complaining about.

For years. I mean, he just started in the litany and I noticed it was like he was an invisible man. You couldn't hear him. You couldn't see him. I just, I don't even, I don't even say that's a stupid question. I completely pretend like he doesn't exist. Yeah. I don't feed the stray cat at all. I ignore stupid questions with really with.

a champion style. Right. You're good at it. I'm really good at it. He, oh my God, the narrating, the questions. I mean, every morning while we're getting ready for work, I'm going to work. He's going to work. He says to me, what are you doing today? And I just look at him and I say, like you,

I'm going to work. And he just kind of laughs. And I hop in the shower. And then it starts about like, sometimes you put on an outfit, you know, and then I think, I'm not really feeling this shirt. I don't change the shirt until Josh is left for the office because I don't want the narration. Right. Because then he'll go, oh, look at this. Somebody going in for a costume change. Imagine 6.50 a.m.,

I just don't want to hear it. I have done this before. I have come to the office if I've left before him and I fucking hated the shirt I had on. And the more I had it on, the more I hated it. And I've waited until Life 360 informs me that that motherfucker's left the house. And then I will drive back to my house to change it to avoid the narration of my activities. I fantasize about that.

Sometimes he'll sleep up in the guest bedroom because we go to bed at different times and we like to watch different shows. And so he'll just fall asleep up there. I've been fantasizing, I would say for about a month now, about coming home from work, getting to work at 8, returning some emails, getting home at 8.30 a.m., moving all of his clothes and toiletries up to the guest bedroom completely and just having – we're still together. I love him. I still want to be married to him.

I want to have a complete bedroom, bathroom, closet divorce. That's what I want. That would make me happy. You know, this is funny. During COVID, when I have girlfriends that are married, that one spouse gets COVID and so they have to split rooms.

100% of the time, to this day, they're still splitting rooms and they like it. Like everybody's happier. There's a whole thing that's called sleep divorce where couples that have lived together, they're still married, but you end up, when you're first together, you want to watch TV at the same time, you want to go to bed at the same time, you want to cuddle, you want to snuggle, right?

We did that. It was fun. I'm way past that. Josh is way past that. And neither one of us require a lot of emotional attention. We're both incredibly independent individuals. And so I like to watch TV on my terms, the shows that I want to watch without narration or anybody. Actually, I don't even want to share oxygen with somebody that I'm watching. While I'm watching TV, I want it just me and the dogs. Right. That's it. That's my right.

as an American, right? And so Josh, so there's this thing now where people are like Josh and me, but sometimes they start sleeping in different rooms. One's a snore. Josh and I still sleep in the same room sometimes, but a lot of times it's like we just fall asleep in different rooms. I like it better. Yeah. I mean, all my girlfriends absolutely like it better. It's like,

Plus then it's like, okay, we're having sex. You're going to your room. I'm going to mine. Everybody's happy. Exactly. I mean, it's just, it's efficient. Nobody has to worry about anybody else. That's one of the things when everybody's like, oh, you need a date. You need a date. I'm like, I don't want to give up my nighttime routine. Like my routine about bedtime is sacred. Getting in the jammies, getting the dog, watching what I want. Like if the thought of having to like share that space, it's jaw dropping.

I, um, I do not, I, I don't like to share. I don't like to share either. And the older I get, the more selfish I become about that. Like when you're younger and hopeful that this relationship is going to complete you, you know, and you have all of that, those ideas and you really put a lot of energy and effort into it. And then as you get older, you're like,

Ain't nobody here but me. Right. It's just me. Yeah. I'm relying on me. You know what I mean? And if you're in a really healthy relationship, your partner's good with that. Right. Wants that. The most unhealthy ones, I think, you know, around our age are the ones that you still rely on that person so heavily for your emotional well-being and serenity. Because if you can't be self-sufficient...

At by 40, 45, you're fucked in my opinion. Yeah. Now I think she's 100% right on the am I going to be cold. It's like a child almost. You know, like fucking look at the weather app and figure it out. You know what Josh asks me all the time? What? Mind you, he wears an Apple watch and has an iPhone in his hand at all times. What time is it?

You don't get to ask people what time it is anymore. Right. Nobody gets to ask, hey, what time it is when we all have these smartphones, smartwatches. You just quit asking people what time it is. I agree. There's no reason. That's a stupid question. Right there. That is not a good question. What time is it? I don't know. Look at your fucking phone. Why don't you do that and quit asking me stupid questions?

Great response. Yeah, I've had it. All right. Well, please go. Do you have anything else to add, Meemaw? Any, any? Oh, now we know it's a great episode. Did we do that at the beginning? Did I do it at the beginning? I don't think so because Jen took the clap. Yeah, because I fucked up the clap. We almost went an episode without it. Yeah. Good.

All right, listen up. Speaking of cacaws, go to our link in our bio on all of our social media pages, and we have a voter registration link to register to vote, to check your registration, yak, yak, blah, blah. It is incredibly important to the patriots, to the gayatriots, and the vatriots.

that we go hard in the paint, up and down the ballot, voting blue for Kamala Harris. And if you don't like that, don't listen to our fucking podcast. Fuck you. Pumps, tell them when we'll see them. We'll see you next Tuesday and Thursday. Yeah, and fuck you. I'll tell you what I've had it with.