Ep 187: Matteo Lane & Raanan Hershberg ft Freedom 01:32:22

Here we go, folks! We're here! Happy 4th of July, America's birthday! Woo! Sorry, Native Americans! We fucked up! Yeah. Not even two seconds. Oh, sorry. How the hell are you there? We got Mateo Lane here, everybody. Hola, everyone. Hola. Happy 4th of July. Yes. This is a skinny bottle. Oh, yeah. This is a little Riesling we're rocking with. I just...

You said to bring wine. I just pulled whatever was cold in the fridge. Bring it on. Hey, Grassy. Cheers. Cheers to the colonizers. I can't cheers with Diet Coke. It's bad luck. I don't believe in that shit, but sure. Ooh, that is sweet as pie. You know what? I just realized this is dessert wine. God damn it. It's very sweet, but it's damn good.

Whoa. Oh, yeah. It's too sweet. Oh, my God. It's like Welch's grape juice. Oh, man. You swallow. This is too much. I'm going to spit. I think this is too sweet. What is a dessert wine? I don't understand. Like a wine replacing dessert? No, you have it with dessert. It's supposed to enhance the dessert. It's too sweet. I agree. Too much. Too much. Well, you loved it a second ago. I had another one, and I hated it. All right. Let's...

I mean, it's good, but it's like drinking a Snickers. Is he getting more wine glasses? Uh-oh, we'll get him to. Do we have more wine glasses? Sorry. We vetoed this. It's too sweet. This is a dessert wine. I fucked up. A pedophile should use this. They'd clean up. Isn't the court a little fancy kid? Yeah, a little Lord Fauntleroy there. Well, Fondleroy. That'll get his little pants off quick. All right. Hey, how about that Kevin Spacey?

Yeah, and what's going on with Kevin Spacey? Didn't he do some interview or something? He cried on Pierce Morgan. We've been talking about that a lot lately. First of all, Pierce Morgan is out of his mind, but he cried. What did he cry about? He's like, I don't have any money. My house is being foreclosed. He had a nice place in Baltimore. It was like right on the water.

Yeah, I know how many of his houses all of them are just that was his main house That was like where he lived cuz I think since House of Cards So he he spent all of his money hit in four years supposedly what I'm what but he's also a great actor so then you don't know if he's acting with a speech and

And who lives in Baltimore? You got all the money in the world, you move to Baltimore. Stavros. Yeah, but he's from there at least. He looks Baltimore-ian. Well, he was filming House of Cards in, I think, D.C. So I think he would want to be nearby. Got it, got it. Uh-oh, we might need a corkscrew here as well. I think if you're losing a house in Baltimore, it is really bad. But also, Kevin, what did you want? Yeah, if you lose a house in Baltimore, where do you move? Yeah. Yeah, Detroit. I guess so.

But yeah, he got off. He'll be back in movies, I think. No one is more infuriating to watch than Pierce Morgan giving an interview because he just, it's just like, he talks over everybody. And then you're like, why are you even having guests on your show? He steamrolls and then he interrupts. That's most podcasts. That's true. That's most people. You're just like, did I have to come in?

I know. I know. It's like Christopher Hitchens went on Fox once and they kept talking over him. And he was like, well, why don't you remind me to come back on your show so you can do all the talking? It's true. It's like you got 24 hours news access. He's on for two minutes and you're talking over him. It's like, what is this? He was also way smarter than any of those guys on those shows. Jerry Faldwell, he said...

When Jerry Falwell died, he was going on about how much she didn't like him. And they were like, but he's a Christian man and blah, blah, blah. And then Christopher goes, look, I'll put it this way. If he was given an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox. So good. He was fucking... He was quick. And he was... And of course, hated him. But he'd go on those. There was a few... You'd see them back down, which was kind of fun. Yeah. You'd see a host be like...

Let me go around that. And they'd go at other people. Like, Hannity, guys like that are such bullies. But Bill O'Reilly, guys like that, they would get him and they'd be like, I'm going to tread carefully. Yeah. Well, you have to. It's like arguing with somebody who knows everything. Exactly. And he was so charming and drunk, you know? Black label. He was a Johnny Walker black guy. Oh, really? Thank you. What did they say? Someone asked him, what's your favorite thing in the world? And he goes, crowing at the misfortune of others. Woo!

I was like, oh my God, what a vicious man. Great sense. He's so British. I love him and Fran Lebowitz, and I don't think they liked each other, but they're the exact same to me. They're too similar. They clash. Yeah, I think so. We know people like that, though. You two should like each other, but they don't. I don't know if there's people like that. Totally. Hey, Mom. Hopefully this is better. I'm sorry for the first round. I can already tell it's going to be better.

Oh, that's nice. That's smooth. That's very nice. Get a whirl of that there, Laney. Okay. Who fell? I don't know. Oh, geez.

This is Natty. Oh yeah, it feels very... I always know Natty Wines from Aziz when I was on the road with Aziz. He turned me on to it. I wouldn't have known. Natty! I forgot that we were touring for a long time with each other on that bus. Do you know what's funny? You guys did a bus with Aziz? And Mateo and I opened for Aziz at the Chicago Theater and then two years later

Did guest spots on each other's shows back to back nights in the Chicago theater. By the way, the experience of that was so funny because when I do shows on the road, I get there at five. I do the sound check. I lay everything out. I do the lights and this and that. I want to relax and put on music. And then so when Sam came, I said after the show, I go, Sam, I'll see you tomorrow. See you at five o'clock. He goes, no, 730. I'm like, the show starts at 730. Yeah, I don't know.

It just shows up. And at one point, it's the Chicago Theater. Sam's first time doing it. Sells it out. I said, do you want to take a picture? He's like, yeah, should I take a picture? I'm like, yes, Sam. I don't do that. You should. It's a great moment to remember. You guys do it on stage. I feel weird, Matt. I do, too. I don't know. I do it because, you know what? I want to remember. Sure. Because sometimes you do. It sounds so crazy. But when you're touring, you forget. Yes. I was just in Columbus doing a theater. And I was backstage. I was looking around. And I was like, wow.

Oh, I opened for Aziz here. And then I remember in the green room, you and I were having a conversation. Who would you rather live on an island with? Oh, hey. There she is. Oh, my God, the king. It's King Jufri. Oh, man. You already had the joke for that. What is that?

He said Joffrey earlier. Look at that. It's the Burger King, everybody. Good to have you there. Oh, this is adorable. A July 4th extravaganza. You know America, known for our royalty. It's very fitting. The crown actually looks good. This looks like good for you. Yeah, I think. Maybe I'll, you think I should? Keep it. I think this should be your new look. Queer eye for the straight guy right now. Oh, God. We're going to make a joke and Rana's going to go,

But yeah, that Chicago theater, that's a great venue. I'm there in the winter. It's great. I love it. And Chicago's a great city. Great city. And Aziz, he had a fine taste. He liked nice meals. Oh, that's the best part about opening for Aziz is that you get to these big rooms and then you go to all these really nice restaurants. Yes. Yeah, and everyone gained like seven pounds. I remember coming back and being like, I feel like shit. Yeah.

It's like the way Bert is with booze, Aziz was with fine food. Yeah, I'd rather the fine food. True. I can't imagine being in the middle of Bert Kreischer's tour. I would be like, wow. You have to party with him, right? Yeah. In the contract. I'd be like, am I at Bear Pride? It just seems so...

So if you don't drink, you can't open for him. No, Soder was on the tour. A lot of people didn't drink. Soder was doing other drugs. He was smoking with Jelly Roll. As long as you're doing something bad. You got to get some vice in there. I'm so boring on tour. I just like I show up at my opener. You do light sound, have a meal like a chicken. He bought a personal trainer on the tour. Who did? Bird.

Well, he's doing like 10,000 seats. I mean, it's like he can afford a person's weight. No, I'm saying there's ways to be healthy on the table. Oh, I see. I see. He's actually upset. And he's like, sometimes I'm like, oh, this guy's fatter than me. I feel good about it. And then they get thinner. Right. It really fucks up your whole, you know. I know. Yeah, he looks good right now. He went to the other side. He does. Well, he had to. I've been called a fat Bert Kreischer lately. Oh. Bert's successful. Yeah.

No, but you hit a great point, though, recently to me. He got really mad, Ron, and he said- Oh, no name names. Well, people who do Ozempic, he's like, well, this is like a guy who's fatter than me, and he just did a drug, and now he's thinner than me. Yeah, he's thinner than me because he was fatter than me. That's the reason he's now thinner than me. Good point. That's the reason Bobby Kelly is now thinner than me. Right, right.

You said don't name names and immediately. That's king. The king is getting to my head. I can do whatever the fuck I want. He was. No, no. He got the old school thing. The staple tapeworm. Cancer. He got the stomach stapling, whatever. What? You talking about Bobby? Oh,

I thought you said Obama did. Obama is on Ozempic. Yeah, Bobby. No, it's Burt. I thought he was like on a health. Oh, Burt. I don't know about Burt. I assume he just was training. I think he did Ozempic for a hot minute, but now he's training and he had a health scare, I think. Well, that's the thing. You can't trust. Just one? This week.

Now that people lose weight, you can't trust them anymore. You don't know if they're secretly on Ozempic or not. It ruins, and then they'll say they're not, but you're like, I don't know. You know what I mean? Right, right. So it makes everything kind of suspicious. Just about every lady I know is on it. Really? What? Oh, yeah. Really? I know two women. Your wife and your mom are on Ozempic? Yeah.

They're non-comedians. Every non-comedian lady I know is on it. Yeah, because the comedians are open about it. That's true. Who are on it. They're totally open about it. Some people are open about it. I think Oprah was open about it. Oh, really? She was on it? Yeah, she was on it. But she says I had medical, some other bullshit term of saying I'm doing Ozempic. Like a medical reason being that she's fat. See? That is a healthy reason.

Yeah, but I don't know. I'm trying to get a little fatter so that the side effects of Zempik are less dangerous than me being fat. That makes sense. Some say I could already probably do it, but I think another 20 pounds and then the thyroid cancer worry of Zempik side effects is less dangerous than the actual heart attack I could possibly have. That's a great way to put it. And do we even know the side effects yet? It's so new that no one really knows what's going on. Well, it's like diarrhea.

Everything has diarrhea. Yeah, that is true, actually. Yeah, Whoopi Goldberg. Oh, Tracy Morgan did it? She became Tracy Morgan. That's one of the side effects. Sharon Osbourne did it. She said she did it too much and she can't get the weight back on. Oh, wow. She must feel pretty good. I don't think Chelsea did it. She wakes up every morning next to Ozzy. She's like, I feel pretty healthy. Yeah.

I feel like a lot of people fitter than me are getting it. Well, it's a precautionary. Like, I don't want to get fat. Like a prognostic of getting fat? It's prep. Too late for me. It's prep. It's the prep. Preemptive. Let me nip in the bud early.

Yeah, everybody's on it. You see? Look at this. Whoa! Are we sure these people are on it? Or is this just like a website? I guess it's today.com. This is like Celebrity Net Worth. It's completely out there. Right. All the people I know on it are not fat. They're doing it to curb... Charles Barkley's on it? He's fat. He and Shaq, I think, both took it. Shaq took it? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Billy, uh... Who was that? No, Billie Jean King, who I met. I met her. Really? Yeah. She was great. Oh, God, we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel when we get to fucking... Who's this guy? What's his name? John Gosselin. Never heard of him. Yes, the Gosselin member, John and Kate Gosselin. Yeah. Oh!

Oh, yeah. Him. Wow, he should put that in his sack so he stops making kids. He's got eight kids. Enough's enough. Eight kids is too much. Maybe eight kids at different times, but eight kids all the same age at once. I don't even know at different times. That's fucking rough, dude. Who do you think you are? Nick Cannon? Slow down. He's got 11. And it's got like 18. How many does he have? He's got like 11. Yeah, that's a lot. Nick Cannon? You know, Nick Cannon...

It was like the day that Russia invaded Ukraine. And I was on a flight and I had a few drinks in me. And I just saw that Nick Cannon popped into Caroline's. They were like, Nick Cannon came by tonight. And I was like, I quote tweeted and wrote, can we get any good news today? I just immediately, eight minutes after Nick Cannon follows you, I'm like, oh boy. And I know how he feels about Jews already. I know. So that was his way of being like Jew. Yeah.

Right. Because he can't write it to me because he's on NBC. But him just following me was like, Jew. You know what list he's putting you on his Twitter thing. Definitely. He's like an anti-Semite who's producing so many anti-Semitic children. It's like really part of this new anti-Semitic wave. Good point. He's an anti-Semite. He's telling that to like his 42 kids. And he was one before it was cool. Yeah.

He was. He was in the beginning. Oh, he would just have like these weird propaganda people on his show and stuff. I don't think he was actually... No, he did say some stuff about Jews, but I don't think he's actually...

smart enough to actually be anti-Semitic. I don't think he really thought it through enough to know what he... You have to have a little intelligence to be, like, anti-Semitic. I just can't believe that he married Mariah Carey and had... It just seems so, like... Yeah, you're such... You're the biggest Mariah fan. Yeah, I just... I mean, that was sort of when, like... That's when the tides changed. Yeah. Mariah was on top of the world and then she married Nick Cannon and we just...

Yeah. But she got two good kids. She's really, her kids are cute and they're great and they tour together. He's a handsome guy. Yeah, he's a handsome guy. And Mariah's like a, I know this is going to sound shocking, but she's. She's a hot lady. No, she's a great mom. Like she's got the kids on tour. They are like, they're dancing and creating music and they've got good people around them. So like she's doing a good job. I don't know so much about Nick. Yeah. Well, good for her. And she's banking on that Christmas money.

Are you saying Mariah Carey... He makes so much money for that Christmas. Are you saying he's bringing her down? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. I don't know how anyone interpreted that any other way besides saying Nick Cannon. Is that worse to you than the anti-Semitism? That's a tough call.

As a lamb. As a Jew, it's also a tough call. I've got to say. Someone interested in success, yeah, you're like, I don't know. No, but that Christmas song really... Oh, yeah. It is a good song. Except for life. I get cynical the first couple times I hear it, but then after a few more holiday seasons, I'm like, it is a good fucking Christmas song. They did a thing, they were showing, there was some bar and someone was DJing, but it was packed, right? And so they're playing all this music, da-da-da-da-da, and you can see people just not really responding, and the second they play...

the Mariah Carey Christmas song everyone starts dancing oh wow it's just one month out of the year we get to enjoy a song oh yeah well it was actually going to be originally a Hanukkah song and he talked her out of it well the Christians have the music let's be real well it was all

written by Jews. That's true. But they didn't write it about Hanukkah. They had the option. Mariah did write her... She writes all of her own music. Come on. She wrote every single one. No, Mariah wrote every single one of her songs. Every single one she wrote. Yeah, every single one of her songs she wrote. That's a great point, though. The best

Christmas songs are the best songs are Jews writing Christmas songs. I would say the same with comic books. Batman, Superman, Spider-Man. It's all Jewish. Jewish made. But not Jewish. But not Jewish. It's like Irving Berlin, right? May your days be merry and bright. The loneliness of being excluded from it brought out the power

I don't know if it's that much. It's like unrequited love. It's a music industry thing. No one wants a Jewish superhero, though. No one's a guy who's like this now. Is that the same way they don't want gay superheroes? Like, really? I can't.

Jews and gays, both kind of catty in our own way. That's probably why we became friends. Mateo can shit talk. We love to complain. But it's also a New York thing. New Yorkers bitch so much. Yes, they do. It's a fun type of bitching. Every New Yorker is Jewish and gay a little. Is there a gay Jew? Who's a gay Jew? There's a lot of gay Jews. Harvey Fierstein is probably the... Oh, yeah. I was re-watching Independence Day, which is... I gotta call my lawyer. Forget my lawyer.

Here's an interesting question. Is that more offensive as a gay stereotype or a Jew stereotype? Because they're both really odd. I don't think he's offensive. I don't think it's... I mean, that's who Harvey Fierstein... That is who he is. I also want to talk about how that movie, by the way, I loved the first 20 minutes of that movie when the ships are coming in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the second they blow up, everything falls apart. And then I heard...

Patrice O'Neill and Jim Norton talking about it on the radio years ago. It was on YouTube. And they just dive in about how bad the movie is, how terrible. And it's true. It's a really bad movie. It's fun, though. It is fun. Yeah. It's a fun movie. President Bill Pullman, remember? Oh, yeah. Randy Quaid is the weird one. John Hirsch is the more anti-Semitic portrayal. There's two pretty big characters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the dad, it was like... The dad's pretty brutal. He comes into the White House. He's like, you think I can...

Take some pens. Oh, is that Judd Hirsch? Yeah, he's like, take the pens. He's like, ooh, the White House, the civil war here must be really great. It's so weird because Judd Hirsch, like old school on taxi, is so cool. So cool. Like, he's just a cool dude. He became a Jewish stereotype. Do you think at that point he was just like, I need the paycheck? Which is the worst stereotype of all. I mean, Independence Day, like, oh, Independence Day, here we are. It all comes back around. I think at a certain point you just become a stereotype. Yeah.

I think you just... I was 13. I've been riding on this stereotype for a really long time. You can only imagine what you're going to become. What monster I'll evolve into. Did you go to the parade this week or no? No, no, no, no. I'm just tired. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot. Even when it is, it's like I've done it. I'm 38. It was my birthday, too. By the way, we might have something for that. Oh, Jessica Gerson made the list, by the way. As a what? As a gay Jew. Work. Work.

Jessica's so funny. But yeah, I didn't. I went to Benihana.

And everyone smelled like... I don't... Benihana is like... That place is falling apart. Oh, it's a mess. It's like East Berlin in 1983. Like, that's what it feels like. You have such a sophisticated... I thought it'd be fun. Like, a group of friends are going to Benihana and just kind of laughing. But then we all smelled like onion. Then I don't know what's more embarrassing. Telling people you smell like onion or you went to Benihana. Like, I don't know what it is. Because everyone judges you. You're like, I went to Benihana. They're like...

Why? Well, it's kitschy. But the Japanese Olive Garden. But it is good, though, right? Isn't it good? It's all right. The fried rice was fine, but it's just like... There's a real class divide here. I'm like, that's a fancy place. It's just... I mean, they really need to like... You ever watch those cleaning TikTok videos? They need that. They need that blonde lady coming who's happy about mold and then just cleaning that place up. The music was bad. It was like... Oh.

It's a little dingy. By the way, can I preemptively say a comment making fun of me that's going to be on the YouTube thing? Sure. King George Costanza. Oh, my God. I got it first, so fuck you. Uh-oh. Speaking of stereotypes. Can we also eat the cake? Happy birthday to you.

Oh my God, look at his dick. That's a small black dick. That's not black. The black one costs extra. Oh no, I guess that's... But the Asian one costs less, so we did go for the white. I think it's a mixed dick. Who? I think it's him.

I gotta be honest. Thank you, by the way. I love sprinkles. If there's a Mr. Frosty, I'll get a vanilla cone with sprinkles. Sprinkles are the best. This actually looks way better than I thought it would look. This looks presentable. Well, that's because it's broken size. I would hate it.

Can you eat? No, you can't eat the penis, right? That's just like, let's give it a shot. I'm sure. That doesn't really appeal to me, but it does look like you can eat it. The sprinkles, the sprinkles look more appealing to me than the penis. Wait, you can eat it? No.

Chocolate. It's cold and hard. Oh, it's chocolate? Oh, wow. It's the worst episode of Is It Cake, Evan. It looks like jizz on his ball. It looks like it's coming out of a pool of jizz. It's a lot of jizz. It's so good. I'm 38 years old. It's so good. I moved here when I was 25.

Holy shit. And all this for the creek and the cave. I'm right behind you, though. I'll be there in a month. Oh, yeah? Woo! Dude, do you ever see the weird poll? Do you ever see the movie Bachelor Party in the 80s with Tom Hanks? Yes. No. Oh, dude, you've seen it? We had to watch it for the podcast, but I made it about halfway. Oh, no, no, no. I'm thinking a cocktail.

No, it's way more. With Tom Cruise? No, it's Tom Hanks. Oh, Tom Hanks. He's getting married and his friends are all degenerates and they throw him a party. And it's like Tom Cruise that is like total, like super charming, funny, dirty 80s comedy. Yes, yes. But there's a scene where the women are like, well, we're going to go out too. And they go to a strip club for men. And there's this guy named Nick the Dick.

And he's, I guess, got the biggest dick. And he walks over and as a joke tries to serve them his dick. They're giving out hot dogs. And they keep pulling on his dick. And that's what made me think of it. Oh, yeah. It's very good. It's less sweet than that wine. Come on. I want a bite. It is. It's good. I want a piece of the dick. Whoa! Sorry, I tried to slice it. I still can't believe it looks so plastic. That's chocolate?

I think it's chocolate. Okay, one more. Oh, easy, Lorena Bobbitt. Wow, that's a hard dick. It is good, though. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. I used to do Blue Chew a lot. What? Yeah, yeah. It works. It's great. Yeah. It's so good. Wait, what's Blue Chew? It's like Viagra, but for the youth. The cool Viagra. It's not your grandpa's Viagra. What does that mean? Yeah.

You pop it in, you chew it. You don't have to get a prescription. How long does it last for him? All night. I have no issue getting it up, though. Come on. That's all I heard. I used to do it because, you know, especially if you're...

having sex with someone in the beginning, you know, you know how you come early. Yeah. I'm just projecting it onto everyone. You know how everyone, you know how everyone comes immediately. Uh, but so that let me, that actually let me, interestingly enough, let me go for a while.

because I don't know why you think it'd be the opposite. Yeah. But it lets you keep going. I think it's the fact that my dick's so hard in my head. I'm like, even after you come, unless you keep going. Well, I think in my head, I'm thinking, because I know that if I came, my dick was still going, that takes away the pressure. And then I don't come early. It's all mental. It's all mental. That's interesting. Yeah. Like I tried Propecia.

And everybody's like, you're going to go impotent. You can't get it up on Propecia. And right then I couldn't get it up. Really? And then I realized this is all in my head and I got it up again. The first time I had sex, I was reading. Sorry. I was afraid of coming early and I was reading. Viktor Frankl has this book called Man's Search for Meaning. It's about like Auschwitz and him like.

It's hard to get hard to offer. It's like a psychological book about finding meaning in life, but he was a Holocaust survivor. But for some reason at the end, there's like a final chapter. He's a psychologist on how not to come early. What? Yeah, it's very bizarre. It's in the very end.

It's like if at the end of Anne Frank there was... It's like lessons of fisting at the end of the Diary of Anne Frank or something. But it said to come, to not come early, you need to try to come early because it's all reverse psychology. And your dick is like, I'll just do whatever the fuck. You don't tell me what to do. Basically, men aren't enjoying anything. Yeah, exactly. We're just constantly playing mind games while we're fucking. And we're like, don't come, come, don't come. He says, don't come, come. And they're like, can we get this over with? I literally have like...

baseball players in my head that help me not to like Wade Bob that's pretty game it's pretty gay but it's not gay because it helps me to not cum

You know? Something like Wade Boggs is weird. You're edging yourself with baseball players? But... You've never heard that baseball helped to delay orgasm? I... If Jeter pops, then I do know. I promised you that I'm not. But here's the thing. Are there baseball players you specifically don't imagine knowing it could have the... Jose Canseco. No, no. I just said that. Jeter. Oh, Jeter. I don't think it's Jeter. No.

He dated Mariah Carey. That's right. Oh, you should see this. And then she wrote the song My All About Him. Really? Well, he hit like, Jeter had everybody. Tyra Banks. Madonna. Madonna. Bruce. Oh, Madonna. A-Rod. A-Rod had Madonna, not Jeter. That's right. And A-Rod had J-Lo. Ooh.

J-Lo is a mess. Is she? Have you guys not, like, seen everything that's going on with her? Her tour is not selling. She had the tour. It didn't sell, so she canceled the tour. Then she did two movies. One, a self-produced project about her life that everyone panned. And then she did something called Atlas for Netflix, which is like...

I mean, it looked like reboot the cartoon from ABC morning shows. Oh, wow. And then that didn't go well either. And now she's getting a divorce with Ben Affleck. Wow. The canceling seems like such a fuck you to her fans that like she's going to cancel all these. Well, I just don't think it was selling. 18%. So I think that she canceled it because the fans were basically saying fuck you to her. But I guess I heard that it was still a big fan base, a lot of fans. But she had such a...

demand for such a high percentage that had to be completely sold out but it was only like 80 sold out well 80 is good that's what i'm saying so she canceled on like 80 full places just because she wasn't maybe she didn't want to do it because she's just tired yeah she did too much she's at benihana i mean she looks she's at benihana she looks insanely hot but she looks amazing like 54 oh she looks great but you saw those ben affleck photos they're all just like he looks like auschwitz

Fuck, I hate this. He does seem really stressed out. Oh, yeah. It's got to be a lot. It's kind of funny to be like, they got back together, so it's that old thing. They were meant to be the whole time. It's like, nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Look at him. That was also... He had good hair plugs. I'll say that. I mean, he looks great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had good hair plugs. He looks like a hunk. What is it with J-Lo? I don't understand what the... I think she's high maintenance. I think she's a lot. She's supposed to be the ultimate, like, diva, right? But she's always with... Like, she's never alone. That's true. She's always with somebody. And yet always alone. Yeah.

Kind of. Yeah. Literally. I got my horoscope read today. What did she say during the national or she was singing America the Beautiful and then she was like, you know, let's get loud. Didn't she scream that? Let's get loud. You do that real quick. It's humiliating. She's lip syncing America the Beautiful and then comes in and screams, let's get loud. Right. And then goes back to America the Beautiful and everyone's like, what?

What? Yeah, weird timing. She had a really weird timing. Her hottest movie, I think, was U-Turn. Remember U-Turn? No, it's Enough. Remember Enough? Oh, after fighting the abusive type? I think she's hottest in Out of Sight. She was sexy. Oh, there we go. There's J-Lo. She's looking good. She was dating A-Rod. She looks like the president. She always looks good. What year? There's got to be a time stamp because it's humiliating. Yeah, this is at the Biden inauguration. Oh, okay.

Jenny from the flock. Doesn't this feel so antiquated? I know. It just feels so like, what are we doing? What is this, Star Wars? All right, here we go. Oh. This is lip syncing. This land is your land. Okay. Biden's like, Gloria Estefan looks great. I feel like Woody Guthrie would be spinning in his grave right now. All right, so far it sounds pretty good. Got some flag shots.

She is such a bad singer. Yeah, I don't think she's that talented, to be honest. Oh, yeah, there was COVID, so like... Is this Biden's inauguration? Yeah. Here we go. The plastic walls. She looks... She's pulling it off. Oh, six feet distancing. I hate when they just switch to a new song. Like, in the middle. You hate medleys? Yeah. Although I do like this song. Like, finish the song. Oh, I see what you're saying. Don't give me the Mariah, bitch. Like, you know what you're doing.

She went to Michael's for her outfit and earrings. You know she did that in arguments with Ben? She'd be like... Yes. Here we go. What is this arrangement? At six foot distance. It is good wine, I think. Very good. No. Uh-oh. No. Uh-oh. Went to SAP. She's lip-thinking, let's get loud. Yes. Okay. Really? Yes. So...

Also, she doesn't speak Spanish well. She doesn't. You watch interviews with her, she's like, let me, what I think. Can I make a point about why Woody Guthrie would be spitting his grave? Please. Who? So, Woody Guthrie wrote the song, This Land is Your Land. He wrote it in reaction to the bullshit patriotism of America the Beautiful. Mmm.

So he wrote it as a counter argument to like the kind of simplistic Patriot. Yes, but the gay composer who put it together was like, we need all hands on deck for J-Lo. It went from the song that he was like critiquing in a way to that fucking song. Do you remember the... Did he also write Let's Get Loud? He wrote that too. Let's get loud.

Let's get live. Remember the Fergie at the All-Star game? Girl, it's so good. The cartwheels? No. You saw that?

I love that Mark knows all the gay shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. By the way, this is what Mateo and I meet in the middle. I'm like, you remember Fergie? And I'm like, at the All-Star game. Got you. How could I forget? I think she's pretty hot. Oh, she's gorgeous. She's beautiful. Are you kidding me? Oh, wow. Is that a controversial take? I don't feel like I hear it. Mark's like, I'd fuck her. Yeah.

The best is when you start seeing the past. I don't know who this is. Her name's Fergie? You know, Black Eyed Peas. I mean, I know the Black Eyed Peas, but she doesn't know anything great. Doesn't everyone start laughing at this point? Yeah. Oh, that hurts. Take that shit to WNBA.

The meds are just wearing off. Because you watched Mariah when she was 19. She sang America the Beautiful so no one knew who she was. And she hits the high note and all the basketball players start losing their minds. It's awesome. It's the exact opposite of what's happening right now. Yeah, yeah.

Ooh, that's rough. Very proud of herself, though. She doesn't know it was rough. Well, she got out of bed. But why is it so... It's just bad? She's just like off? Why is it bad? Why is it bad? Yeah. Weird. Where'd it be? Well, you know, the arrangement was bad. Her voice is bad. Okay. And she's doing weird things like...

I mean, the whole thing was weird. It's like a Dali painting, but a song. Like, it just doesn't fit the tone, you know. Versus, like, Whitney Houston. I just think at any single Super Bowl or any basketball game, whatever, just like when we were in middle school and they purled out that, you know, TV on a tray. Yes, yes. And we knew that something good was coming. Or bad. Anything was better than class.

Yeah, they pull it out. Just play Whitney Houston. Yes. And that's it. It should just be Whitney. She did it. I mean, I hate to sound old, but like, fuck, Michael Jackson, Prince. Oh, yeah. Diana Ross in that helicopter. It's crazy. I mean, dude, the Prince one blew my fucking mind. Yeah, pull it up. What's Roseanne Barsky in the National Anthem? That was in the 90s. Justin Timberlake. Oh, this one's historical. Oh, yeah. It's so bad.

Is it? Oh my God. This is very on point with the show, by the way. The best and worst National Anthem. You know what it makes me think of? Is remember the episode of The Simpsons where Krusty bombs the National Anthem? Oh yeah, yeah. It's like, ah, forget it. I recently watched The Simpsons episode where he got all the sugar.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a classic. She's like trolling. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's purposely bad. This is better than Fergie. That's like the naked gun part. Yes, yes, exactly. Mariah Carey had a good one, but Whitney Houston's is the best. I don't understand why anyone would ever try and outdo it. Ironically, Fergie took a bath. Not Whitney.

Whitney died in the movie. Is it Whitney Houston? Oh, fast forward. That's a joke. Yeah, I know. Just go halfway through. Also, this is not when everybody hated each other. We were kind of still getting along as a company. Yeah. Except for Rodney King.

Oh, she's so pretty, too. Well, if you think about how divided people are, you mentioned Taylor Swift's name and people are so divided. No one was really like, fuck Whitney Houston. Right, that's true. That's not true. Uh-oh. No, Whitney had some issues at the beginning because she was being, a lot of people were getting black.

for being portrayed as too white sounding. And so the first part of her career was... I think it's a little different. I know that maybe it's because Taylor's such a mega... Well, I think you're right. I think people back then didn't say like, oh, fuck Whitney and so and so. But also look at the standard of singing. Yeah. I mean, come on now. Taylor Swift and her wildest dreams could never accomplish this. I know that she's a different kind of artist. But it's like,

When you're one of the greatest singers literally of all time, what's to argue? Keep in mind, at this time, it was Whitney, Celine, and Mariah. That was the standard of singing. I remember where I was when I found out Whitney died. I was playing a club called Sidesplitters, not in Tampa, in Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville was actually a great comedy town, but that club was rough. It was the same night Jeremy Leonard and the Knicks dropped 38 points during Linsanity.

And I got off stage and I found out because someone tweeted, oh my God, Whitney Houston died. That's Lynn Sane. I remember, okay, there's a great comedian in Chicago named Ray Hollub. Oh, I love that guy. He's so funny. And the night she died, we were at an open mic and he went up and did a Whitney joke on the spot. He goes, and he's very, his performance,

is very dry, right? And he says, Whitney Houston was found with, they did the autopsy, and she had so many drugs in her body, lots and lots of drugs. And when they asked Bobby Brown, what do we do with it? He said, can we smoke it? He used to have a bit about 9-11 that was so funny. It was like about him being in the towers and drinking alcohol.

And like someone, I can't remember the full joke, but the part I just love, someone literally is knocking on the door and going, we got to get out of here. It's 9-11. Like he calls it 9-11. Ray Hollip is one of the funniest people I've ever seen. He moved here for like a second. Yeah, I know. I wish he would come back. Yeah, he's hilarious. Louie had a great 9-11 checkoff joke. You remember that? Oh, that's a great one. You can tell how bad a person you were by how long you waited.

to Jack off after 9-11. He goes, for me, it was between the first and the second plane. No, in retrospect, I guess that might have been true. That's like a John Lennon jealous guy when he's like, I didn't mean to hit you in the eye. And you're like, what a metaphor that you find out he really was beating. Yes, yes.

Yeah, Whitney Houston, that was the best. I think everything else is downhill from there. It's true. She's your number one. I would say either Barbra Streisand or Whitney Houston. It's a tie between those two. I'd go Barbra Streisand. I'd go Jew every time. You can go either way with those two. Papa, can you hear me? Or that movie is so ridiculous. Barbra Streisand playing...

She's got like palm olive fingers. Like she's not even attempting to try and be a man. Right. She's just Barbra Streisand in a man's outfit being like, I want to study. She didn't even attempt it. Like Superman without the glasses. Well, at least Mulan attempted. He's like, hey, boy. Anyone can pull off looking like a man without much effort. It's Barbra Streisand. Don't say I love Barbra Streisand. Yep.

Young Barbara was hot. I had Funny Girl on the other day. She's fucking hot. Although that book, I read her book. It was 900 pages. Kind of sexy. She's an attractive young girl. Look at that honker. I love it. She's got such a big nose. No offense to Jews. I like the nose. Can I say that her book?

I read it and I could barely get through it because it's like there's interesting stories and then she divulges and goes into like architecture. She wants you to know that she's a designer. So she'd be like, I met William. William was wearing a long purple A-line shirt with three buttons. I remember that. Just talk about William. That was everything in the book. Too much detail. That was exhausting. But she's truly. By the way, that's every woman. I was like, get to the fucking end.

Just tell the end of the story. Yes. The editor is like a man in a relationship. He's like, Jesus Christ. I guess because I'm gay, I'm used to men never finishing stories. All right.

All right, she's looked good on that ride. All right, she's hot. I mean, not hot. She's an interesting looking pretty lady. She was a beautiful woman, dude. She got ugly quick. Wait a minute. Edit that out. But it went bad quick. Yeah. She was like an avocado. I'll tell you. She's all right. But she made a movie about her being kind of unattractive. That's true. So even the mirror has two faces.

It's not traditional. Not traditional. Good look. But she's beautiful. It's just not like, yeah, she doesn't look like Whitney Houston. I love how the old way, like the old Shakespeare Twelfth Night way, it was like the woman being a man with no effort. Right. You're like, yeah, it's a man. I love how not traditional just means big Juneau's. True.

But yeah, it was a bad attempt at being a man. It was like a trans person in the 90s. Very lazy. Hey, I want to babysit me. No effort. I was in Jerusalem with Adrienne Appaloochee. Yes. We were at the Western Wall, you know? And she wanted to go on the men's side because the women's side was too long, the line. But you're not about to like... You can't switch...

in there, you know? Yeah. And I was like, do not go into the men's section. They'll fucking stone you. And she was going to go. She's a psychopath. She's like, I don't give a shit. I'm like, don't go. And I convinced her. I was like, worst case scenario, either you're going to get beat up or people aren't going to realize you're not

A woman. Both ones are kind of a bad situation. What's worse? She's got one of my favorite jokes of all time. She's the best. You know the joke she has where she goes, my boyfriend threatened to kill himself. And I was like, great, now I can't kill myself. People are going to think we were in love. Yeah.

That is a, like, you can't write a better one-liner than that. To me, that's like a perfect joke. Everyone says Appaloochee, but I think it's just pronounced a different way. Is it? I-Appaloochee. I-Appaloochee or something. She's Jewish, too, by the way. Really? Yeah, half Jew, half Italian. She's Italian, yeah. Her mother was a comic as well. That's right. I don't remember. Is that Gould?

She's great. Yeah, she married Elliot Gould. Elliot Gould lived a fucking life. And they had a kid together. There he is. Sam's... This is like Jack Nicholson when you see him at the end in the picture, Sam Morrill. I love him, dude. In the past. Oh, right. Dude, by the way, R.I.P. Robert Towne. Fucking guy. I know that. I know that. China Towne. China Towne, the fucking... And Last Detail was a fucking... Oh, yeah. And he did Punch Up on Godfather. Like, that dude...

He did Punch-Up on Godfather? You know what? It was Bonnie and Clyde. I'm sorry. I was like, I didn't even know where the Punch-Ups would be in Godfather. He was an uncredited script supervisor on a lot of stuff. He was like, no. But he also had a guy he didn't really take great care of. He got it, yeah. Last Detail is a really underrated Nicholson one. Norman loves that one. Can I say, the straightest thing I'm about to say is I still think The Godfather is one of the greatest movies of all time. Yeah. Why is that? Because it just feels like such a straight man thing to say. It's like, we all, The Godfather.

It's amazing. And the second as well. The second one's amazing. When he fucking stabs, when De Niro fucking stabs that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's how I don't get, like, some women are like, Godfather, you know, these movies guys love. It's like, you know. It's his quality. But it's like, it's all about fun.

Family, really. I mean, well, a kind of fucked up family. That's how they sold it. Sure. Yeah. That was literally because the book was- Well, they wanted Robert DeVol- No, they wanted the original- Redford. Redford to play- We talked about this. They were talking about this. Horrible choice. They're like, no. Yeah. Well, they had to honky everything up back then. The best testament to how good it is, Saddam Hussein's favorite movie was The Godfather. Whoa. Which means that movie is so universal and so just capturing life. Yeah. How do we know that that's his favorite?

He said it. He did. He was in the Criterion closet. So was Mateo.

But it's so good that even he could watch it and be like, yeah, you got to support it. Like, he liked it for the wrong reason. Right. The book was like pop. It was like, you know, pop, you know, sensation. Yeah. But then Coppola, like, he found what it really was like universal about it. And it's family. Oh, yeah. It's family. And he also understood, like, Sicilians and what that actually means. I will say it's pretty ballsy to –

bring a head of a horse into a bed thinking you're not going to wake the person up. I know, they never quite explained that. I was like, are they Batman? Like, you know how Batman like disappears and you're like, where did he go? I imagine carrying a decapitated head's horse is probably not the quietest action. And I'm a light sleeper. I'd be like, who is this? That could have easily gone with him just waking up. What the fuck? And a guy just holding a horse. That could be a great sketch. I know.

He's like, give Frank Sinatra the role. Let him off the contract. He was offended that they offered him that. Really? Oh, they offered it to him? Based off of him. Yeah, of course. When he got out of his contract, he was with that big band player. That's hilarious. Yeah. They offered it to him?

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Yeah, but no, Frank Sinatra, I think was... Because everyone said... I think, I'm pretty sure that's the story. Frank Sinatra, when he first became famous, was with this band leader. And the band leader... You know, Frank obviously became... He was like the Justin Bieber back then, so he wanted out. And the band leader was like, no, you're under contract, blah, blah, blah. And then I think he got out of the contract for...

You know some special help ah He's a horrible person. Oh yeah, like I was reading about him in Mia Farrow like he wanted 60 and 21 when they got married he wanted her out of Rosemary's Bay He wanted her to not he wanted her to agree to never work again once they were married He's that like crazily sexist and like he's like he didn't want her to steal

steal it at all. And then he wanted her to be out of the movie and then be in another movie. I think he went off that and was like, with him? Yep. And he sent her the divorce papers on set because she refused. That's right.

Yeah, well, he doesn't strike me as someone who was nice. Yeah, and he also beat up a lot of women. And he was manic depressive, and I think he had a lot of problems. Was he manic depressive? At least, like, borderline person. Something was up. Something was up. Yeah, I mean, there was this bio that Earl Wilson wrote on him, and it was like, best case manic depressive is what he said. Really? And he was fine. He was? Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah.

I didn't know that. I always thought that out of the Rat Pack that Sammy Davis had the best voice. He's incredible. He really was the best out of all of them. But Sinatra's just a unique voice. Sinatra's unique, and Sinatra is style. I mean, when he was younger, he had a really good voice, like a classical voice, and was kind of like a better version of Bing Crosby, and they were often compared to each other. But Sammy was just a better singer.

His version of, what's it called, Mr. Bojangles. Mr. Bojangles. Who can I turn to? He's more vulnerable than Sinatra. Yeah, Sinatra was all about style, and Dean Martin was just drunk. I love Dean Martin. Same. Everyone loves Dean Martin. Yeah, that's interesting. But what do you say about Bobby Darin?

Fine. Just all sort of the same. I mean, out of all those singers at that time, Tony Bennett was the best. Oh! Yeah, and even Frank Sinatra said it. Bobby Darin was pretty fucking good, though. Who? Bobby Darin was pretty fucking good. Yeah, but Tony was like a... Tony's a real singer. Get some Tony, Paul. Bobby Darin does the Mac and the Knife. That's so great. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's a good singer. He's a straight tone. He's more of a... What do you think about Bob Dylan? He died on 37, too. He's a really creative person. Yeah.

I've seen him live a lot of times the last couple of years. So I was last couple of years. Yeah. So I wasn't taken aback by Biden's performance. A lot of preparation. I'm like, this is great. You were like, I don't know what he said. He knows what he said.

Type in Tony Bennett, who can I turn to? There we go. And we'll see the real singer. He's the least attractive, too. Yes. Go to the scroll down. The ugliest are the best. Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle. Kathy Bates. I guess scroll all the way up. Oh, there, right there. Who can I turn to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you just go a quarter of the way through.

When he really starts belting, you're like, oh, okay, this guy is the real deal. Apparently Lady Gaga worshipped him. Yeah, they did a bunch of songs. Well, she's always crying, but they did a bunch of songs together. What's weird when he had Alzheimer's and he came out on stage and she was there, he couldn't remember anything and looked at her and said, Lady Gaga! Oh, jeez. Fast forward halfway through, let's hear it.

So is this what's happening at the Lane residence? No. He's not an ugly guy. What are you kidding? He's all right. He's very Italian looking. This is very Southern Italian. Southern Italian. With you I could learn to... Oh, that is nice. Velvety. Velvety it is. With you on a new day

But who can I turn to if you turn around?

That is a real singer right there. That's a real singer. Have you ever seen him live before? No, I never saw him live. I saw he did an album with Katie Lang live. I love Katie. And he was supposed to come, but I just saw Katie. So Katie Lang is also underrated. I don't even know who that is. Oh, my God. Lesbian, 90s, very famous. I sang Constant Craving. Oh, my God.

And it's just funny. She says like in interviews, she's like, I know I look like Elvis Presley, but I sound like Barbara Streisand. She does sound like Streisand. She has that kind of a voice. Who do you think is the hottest woman to have the hottest, best voice? Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston. Maybe Mariah. Mariah.

Mariah also. Mariah or Whitney. Do you think Whitney has the best voice? Oh, it's between her and Barbra Streisand. I would say them or Mariah. It just depends on what day you catch me. In a way, we always say there's an old Louis bit or something. How coincidental it is that so many singers are hot. Yeah, yeah. But if you think about it, out of the people you're mentioning, two of them are super hot. Whitney was like, Mariah's beautiful, Barbra's beautiful. Whitney was a model.

Whitney was perfect. But I guess there's a lot of ugly singers who aren't famous because they're not hot. No, that's not true. There's singers who are not conventionally attractive and I think are famous. Aretha Franklin. Right, right, right. Yeah, I mean, Aretha Franklin, she was pretty, but she certainly didn't look like this. You know what I mean? She didn't look like Whitney Houston. But Aretha and Patti started it all. If it wasn't for Aretha Franklin, we wouldn't have...

No singer would exist, really. Whitney, Mariah, Celine, none of them. You know who I love is that Sarah, what's her name? I hope you don't say McLaughlin. No, no, no. Sarah Vaughan. She came to one of my shows once. She did? She did. I hung out with her at the Cellar all night. I did an hour at the Cellar. A friend of mine is a musician, came.

I didn't know who she was. And when she left, I did. But we hung for an hour or two after dinner. She was so... She's like, oh, I'm a musician. Very unassuming. Chill about it? Yeah. Couldn't have been nicer and cooler. Oh, she's hot. She's great. Incredible. Have you heard her version of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road? Who's the most famous person that was in the audience when you were doing a show once? Oh, Adam Driver. Okay. Where did he see you? I did the Patrice O'Neill benefit.

Front row. That's pretty cool. You can see that mug a mile away. It's got a face that's like 10 feet tall. Oh, wow. Big honker, yeah. Mark was in the back watching my show once. At the cellar, Barbara Corkin was there when I was on stage once. Oh, wow. All the staff were like, Barbara Corkin's here! Because I have a whole bit about Barbara Corkin. And then I asked her, I have a Shark Tank idea. I presented it to her and she said, it stinks! But

For that reason, he's out. I did a show in LA once a year, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers were there at my show. Oh, wow. Everyone but Flea. That's fine. I found out because Tom Takar was opening. He's like, dude, do you know the Red Hot Chili Peppers? And I was like, no. He's like, they're here. Oh, wow. He didn't know because you were too old. I opened for Andrew Schultz at Radio City. That's not true. I sang New York, New York there. But either way, I was on the show.

And I was like, wait a minute. No, I was singing. But Bill Gates was in the audience. Whoa. Wow.

That's crazy. Wow. That's fucking crazy. He was at the Cellar recently. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's really like comedy. I think his daughter does. I got no one. Hannah Gatsby apparently was at my taping. All right. That's so funny. But even at the Cellar, there's not been a night like you've been up and someone's like, oh, so-and-so's in the crowd. Yeah, you've had more famous comics. You're fucking open for Louie. He watched your set. I guess Louie. Paul Rudd was at the Cellar once when I went over. Oh, yeah. He's cute. If Louie ever watched my set, I would have sent him. Oh, Matt Damon. Yes.

Matt Damon. Yes, yes, yes. I'm trying to think of other people. Matt Damon's in your book? Yeah, Zac Efron, who I met, and Forrest Germain Fowler to introduce me. I was talking to Louie about his Good Will Hunting bit because...

I think it's one of his funniest bits. Oh, it's a great bit. It makes me laugh so hard. He has a joke just shitting on Good Will Hunting and being like, you know, the gist of it is like, they wrote it for themselves and he's like, I'm going to play a... I'm blue collar and I'm tough and I get into fights. Also, I'm a genius. And it keeps going and it's such a funny bit. But I remember asking him about it and he said, you know, I...

He's like I honestly I said you know cuz I that bit me I love that movie But that bit made me laugh so hardy and he goes yeah me too, and then he said do you know Matt Damon? He goes I've never met him It's so funny that you can write a bit like that and you put that into the world and you're shitting on it And you're like yeah, I love that. It's almost like a tribute you know but I I was talking not shit about there's a woman on the British Bake Off who had one hand and

And I wrote a whole joke about it. And the joke was not that making fun of her for having one hand. The joke was about how British TV talks about it. They never brought it up. Where American TV would be like, what's wrong with you? And blah, blah, blah, blah, this and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, there she is. And so anyway, at the end of the joke, I make a joke about Michelle Wolfe because Michelle texted me on the last episode. She made it to the top three. And Michelle texted me. What happened?

into the hand. So she came to my show in London. Whoa. We hung out. We took pictures together. She could not have been nicer and she totally got that I was not making fun of her. I was making fun of British and American TV. Wow. And she could not have been nicer or cooler. Well, let's give her a hand. Oh my God. Cut that out. All right.

Did she have a little hand or what is it? Yes, I don't know. I never asked what exactly. So what's wrong really? What the fuck is up with your head? She's like, and I'll never tell you or something like that. I also made fun of a woman on the British Bake Off for whose voice you couldn't understand. Her name is Rosie. And she also, she wrote me and she was like, yeah, kind of just down myself sometimes. I love it. So it's sometimes you get like, type in Rosie for the Great British Bake Off. People.

People get offended because they think you have a strong opinion about it. But sometimes you're just joking. Well, that's a backhanded compliment. Well, because I think it's how you direct the joke, right? So it's like there have been times that we are just making fun of the person, right? But then there's other times that person is sort of the platform to make fun of other things. I posted a bit. It's like an old bit about how like...

how like in Germany now like they've really pulled a 180 because now like if you draw a swastika they'll throw your ass in jail and I'm like I love that it's like even though they're no longer Nazis they're still kind of being Nazis about it and like the German airport I was just doing a tour in Europe and the Berlin airport was the biggest fucking mess really I've never they used to be so organized I have never ever

They really did an objective. But everyone says, oh, the Germans are so efficient, blah, blah, blah. And I'm used to the Italians who are like a mess about everything. It was legitimately, it was the worst boarding of a flight I've ever experienced. Berlin's supposed to be a very modern city as well. Berlin? Yeah. Yeah, but the airport sucks. The Berlin airport is great. I think the Nazis were more incompetent than people. Yeah, they were all on drugs. Yeah, there's like a myth that they were so organized, but it was actually a lot of.

Also inefficient. But the Germans are sort of stereotyped as being very efficient. Well, they like efficient things. They like nice things. We think of nice cars or tailored clothing. Right. But I think, yeah, with the Nazis, I think a lot of that was confidence. Yes. A lot of it was crystal meth, and it was only, yeah, they were a mess. You should have taken a train. All right. But I posted that bit. Sorry.

I posted that bit and all these Germans got so mad at me because they thought I was making a point like I was dismissing the...

threat of fascism. They're like, how do you, you know, real notches there. And when you draw swastika, you should go to jail. And I wanted to comment, like, I agree with you. I wasn't like making, I'm just making fun of it. I'm not. But people never understand. I know. You know what I mean? That's the thing I think you have to take from it is like, sometimes the thing is just funny. Yeah. It's just like a roast joke. You know, it's like I'm roasting Germany. It's not like I believe it, you know? Yeah.

They roasted my people. I can roast them a little. I went to a sex club in Berlin. It was wild. As a city, it's kind of drab and it's fun, but it's kind of like gray and weird. The audiences were very good. Audiences were great. Yeah, they're great. But the sex club was wild. Was it like pretty intense? It was intense. Yeah. I banged the wife in the club. That was cool. Really? I tapped on my shoulder and goes, me next? And I was like, me next.

And then a guy on my left was jerking off next to me, which was kind of flattering. Was he saying me next to you? By the way, gays hearing this story are filing their nails like, and? Yeah.

Where's the party? They're like, where's the party? That's a get together. I did this. I did this. It was a big, big room. But they do, because the sound was great, right? But what they do is when they clap or they're laughing really hard at something, they all do that on the floor. Really? And no one told me this. So halfway through, I started thinking, like, is there an earthquake? Am I experiencing, am I having a stroke right now? That was the Jews trying to get out.

We're on the floorboards. Me next is such a funny thing. It's so funny that you're that, you know, it's like childlike. It's like, can I have cookie too? Right, right. Because if you're at a sex club, that is the most appropriate place to ask. You know what I mean? You can't be like, who do you take me for? Right, right.

You come and they're like, well, you're not using it right now. Can I just bust it on your wife, please? I brushed him away quick because I didn't want her to be like, yeah, I'll take it. I think you're technically being a little selfish, honestly. Yeah, I guess so. I married her. I got to deal with all the other stuff. You can't just go to a club and have monogamous sex. That's like. It is crazy. Oh, yeah. You know what? You're being rude. I guess you're right. You weren't appreciating other cultures. Good point. Sorry. I'll go back and I'll let you. I'll whore her out. You're a handsome guy.

He was pretty good, yeah. He was hot. Was his dick out? No, thank God. The idea of you not waiting time for her to answer is so funny. No, I kept it. Me next? Of course not. The runaway. She's like, wait a second, let's feel this out. Yeah. I was in Germany during COVID and it was...

it was tough because i was louis on the tour it was i don't know it was not like 2021 yeah yeah not the that tour when he was in uh italy i was having lunch with my friend francesca de carlo and i go who opened for him and he goes i am a black guy with a stroke that was me that was me i was doing that i was doing blackface and i was nervous i love that louis was in kiev

The week they got... Well, he was about to go. No, I know, but... But my friend was like, you think he's going to cancel? I was like, yeah. He's going to do the show. Right. He wasn't prepared. He wasn't canceling until the last minute. That's insane. Because I think like... I think no other comedian had like performed there. It was like a man on the moon. It was like a new territory for him. But then the day before...

He was going to go. The war broke out. It was literally the day before. It was like Apollo 13 made on the moon. He didn't make it. I just performed in Madrid, and they don't have a lot of American comics there. So I performed where the Lion King happens. Yeah. So I was doing a show with Nala. Yeah.

It was like Lion King stuff everywhere. Oh, that's funny. It was honestly kind of fun. Yeah. And they were the best audience, Madrid. Really? Yeah, they were great. I was the most nervous for them because I was like, oh, I wonder if they're going to... The Germans, they speak enough English. I felt like they didn't know. They were good in Madrid, but I felt like there was like...

pause where they're like translating it a little new tattoo yes I got storm from the X I think I saw and the voice who does storm sent me a message I cried I was like oh my god she's so she's from the original and she's back to do because the new one I thought was really good really really good I thought it was like Halle Berry or someone isn't it no it's animated animated

It's an animated show. I was like, I don't remember her name, but... X-Men. It's called X-Men 97. Yes, X-Men 97. I have to say, I wrecked it. I do wrecks. We do wrecks every week. It really, really is good. It's excellent. They did a great job. I feel so homeschooled. It's Allison. What is that? Who's Fergie? I'm winning. But you...

So how did she see this? So I posted online that I got a new tattoo and I put up Storm and then she sent me a voice message or a video message with my picture of the tattoo saying like, you know, like I heard the Mr. Self-Avail elements loves it too and thanks for making us laugh. Can we pull this up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on my Instagram and then I was messaging her. And Gay Dude's love Storm. Love. And my guess is it's because she's like

big and she's dramatic. Yeah. Like of all the powers, you know what I mean? Like Cyclops shoots. Yeah, and Wolverine's aggressive, but she's like, winds rise and sweep the thorns from our path. It's like a diva. There she is. You'd think it'd be a Jewish thing because of the controlling weather. That's true.

Shut up, Martin. I have the authority that the mistress of the elements herself also heartily improves. Oh, yeah. Keep doing what you're doing. Make us smile. Make us laugh. Oh, I love that. I cried. Dude. And she said to me, my publicist is a gay guy. She goes, my publicist is a gay guy. And so he's a big fan of yours. So he saw it. Oh.

It was all Canadian voice actors in the 90s because they wouldn't pay shit, right? So they went to Canada. But they brought them all back. Yeah, and Sailor Moon as well because you could hear the Canadian accent when they're talking. I don't know this gay stuff, X-Man. I don't know. X-Man, Wolverine. You're wearing a crown right now. You know this gay stuff.

I was trying to make a joke. You didn't watch any superhero stuff when you were a kid? No, I watched Batman movies. I like Batman. I love Poison Ivy. Oh, yeah, yeah. I love Poison Ivy. I love the Poison Ivy series. I love the first couple of Batman movies. I loved the Poison Ivy movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Uma Thurman. Uma Thurman. First of all, it's schlock. It's campy. It's campy. It's terrible. I love that you call it the Poison Ivy movie. That's the most important part. It is the Poison Ivy movie.

Is it Joel Schumacher? Of course it's Joel Schumacher. The gayest movie. You find out now that Arnold didn't even show up for anything. He just went. It was like the close-up scenes, but he just had a body double do everything. He got billed first before George Clooney. Chill out. Chill out. What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age. So stupid. Was it Joel Schumacher? Yeah. Joel Schumacher. He was gay, right?

Gay as a picnic basket. My friend Dana Gould told me they had dinner together one night. It was like a big dinner. And he asked him about casting Val Kilmer in Batman Forever. And he goes, he immediately just went, you know why I cast him? His lips. That's a pretty gay reason to cast Batman. This scene will explain it. Can you type Poison Ivy, Batman, Robin movie? Because there's a scene, her entrance scene. It is literally like...

She was hot as hell. Oh, she's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. But I mean, this is the worst Batman movie ever. Easily. Let me see which Nolan ones are incredible. He did. Yeah, I think it's like we go from Tony Bennett. No, she was a fox. And she was the only one that really understood what she was doing in that movie. Like as a character, she played it up the way I think it was meant to be played. George Clooney was taking it very seriously. Arnold Schwarzenegger was in his trailer. Fucking who knows? Yeah.

You know? They're all in a different movie. Keep scrolling, keep scrolling. Yeah, but you know, Clooney, I feel like could have been. That one, the pink one. I feel like he could have been a good Batman if it was a different type of movie. He just doesn't seem tortured, George Clooney. Right. They didn't quite. And then, what's her name was in it? Alicia Silverstone. This looks like Lion King. This is crazy. This is where I was performing in Madrid.

Yeah, this is pretty gay. This is gay, but then the muscular man come out. He had the nipples on the suit. Oh, that's right. He's so hot. Everyone's hot. But she, I mean, she knew what she was doing in this role, Uma Thurman. Oh, yeah. She looks great with red hair. She's underrated, I feel. I agree. I agree. I mean, not by me, but I know what you mean. But, like, Kill Bill is, like, does it get any cooler than that movie? No. And fucking Pulp Fiction. Oh, this is block. I love it.

Oh, just you wait, Mark. It gets even gayer. So now we've got all the hot, muscular, steroided men coming out. The great tagline, just you wait, it gets even gayer. That's the name of my book. Oh, damn. I'm getting chuffed up. Jeez. Yeah. Oh, wait. I should be there for Halloween. Yes. Yeah, she's not underrated by my date. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is it. Guys are just coming. She falls into a bunch of hot men.

Oh, my God. This is Joel Schumacher. Yeah. This is his fantasy. This looks like Moulin Rouge. This is crazy. It does. She's 6'1". Like a Bajie. Is she really? Yeah. Really? Pull it up. I know heights. Oh, this is getting gayer and gayer. The audience. Ah!

Yeah. It's like The Simpsons. Right. It's Johnny Andrews. Can we play any of this, Matt, on the show? Did she ever go nude? Did she do a playboy? Oh, yeah. Really? She was nude in, I can tell you exactly. Pull it up. She was nude in Dangerous Liaisons. Thank you. Do your worst, Peters. And she was nude in something else, too.

She shows her tits in Dangerous Liaisons. Oh, all right. I believe when I first heard it. Yes. We got to de-gay a little. We've gone so far. I mean, look around. I know you don't speak for the whole gay community, but is Batman and Robin like actually liked in the gay community? Oh, yeah. I can't.

Yeah, I think all superheroes kind of are. But that's not the distinction between gay or straight, really. But gays tend to, in my opinion, they tend to sort of lean towards the villains, which are a little more queer-coded. Sure, sure. Because you get people who are sort of the in-between. They're not really... Like the Riddler. The Riddler. Yeah, the sort of misunderstood, in-between, sort of outsider. That's why gays love Disney villains like Maleficent and Jafar and Ursula and all that stuff. Yes, yes. Because it was...

Honestly, I related more to a horned bitch than I did some prince on a horse. Right. Well, what's her name? Yeah, Ursula is so clearly. Well, she was based after Divine, the drag queen. Oh, was she really? Yeah. You know, originally it was going to be Elaine Stritch. No, it was originally supposed to be Bea Arthur. Oh, really? Yes, and Bea Arthur was originally supposed to be Elaine Stritch on the Golden Girls. Elaine Stritch fucking ruined it. But I do think Elaine Stritch at one point was going to be in Little Mermaid and Dropped Out.

I'm pretty sure it was, I'm almost positive it was Bea Arthur, and then they replaced her with, what's the name? Who's amazing. She's amazing. Doesn't Winnie look like if she had a voice, it would be Elaine Stritch? Yes, and the attitude. There are a lot of Jewy villains, too. Gargamel. Wait, who's Gargamel? Oh, the Smurfs? I never watched. You know what? I never watched the Smurfs. What? It must have just passed me. I did watch it.

But I don't remember. I watched when I was five. I remember I told someone in kindergarten I was watching. Pat Carroll, that's it. Who did that? That's a great name, Pat Carroll. Pat Carroll, yeah. Gargamel, who else is a Jewish villain? Penguin in Batman? Penguin in Italian.

He's eating a lot of fish. He does like cold fish. Look at that. There's Gargamel. Yeah, he's a little Jewish. Come on. They're all kind of gay, too, like Jafar. Oh, Jafar. Jafar is very gay. Jafar is so gay. Yeah, they're like, I want the woman. I'm like, do you? I had a joke. I had a joke about Scar because he sings that song called Be Prepared. I'm like, it's about douche. Oh, my God.

Look at that. Come on, that's Ari Shaffir. It is true that they... He's planning on roofing Bert in that picture right there. It is true. The villains are always gay because they never want to fuck the woman. They're always just trapping her. Right, right. It's all like... That's true. Completely non-sexual. Oh, yeah. Yeah, look at this. See, they got the nose thing going. Although I will say Maleficent is a... She's outside of the horns and the gray skin. She's very pretty. I agree. That was Angelina, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right. Not that version. This version.

Angelina Jolie. It's enough. We're talking like most gorgeous women ever. Her prime. Top five all time. Okay, is she the most beautiful woman of all time? I would say so. She's in the convo. I think Halle Berry is. She's very pretty. She's gorgeous. She's more interesting looking, I think, than Halle Berry's like a classic good looking lady. Look at that. That's a crazy mug. She's fucking sexy, dude. Come on. I'd put a...

Natalie Portman in there. Really? I mean, they're stunning, but... I'm going to go classic, too. Like, classic Rita Hayworth. I would say young Sophia Loren or Halle Berry to me. Sing it, sister. Or, like, the number... Young Vivica A. Fox was pretty fucking hot. Yeah, she was beautiful. I'd probably go with Natalie Portman. Her role in Independence Day 2 is hysterical. There's two of those?

Yeah. Oh, the second one is schlock. There's something so insulting about the casting of the second movie, which is that in the first movie, the little girl, the president's daughter, the actress, ended up being a very successful actress named Maya. She was the one from Arrested Development. Maya?

Maybe. The one who's like, what's his name? Anne? Yeah, the playing girl. Yeah. And she was in the Duff. But they replaced her for the second movie. They got this other actress who's just more attractive. Even though that girl had grown up to become a very successful actress. Wait, you mean we should look up? Because I'm curious what you guys think about this. Look up Mae West on YouTube, Mae West's musical. When she was in her late 70s.

This is very Joe Biden-esque. They did this musical with her. She's playing a 21-year-old, but she's in her 70s. Oh, wow. And if you scroll down a little bit, she's in a blue. You'll see. She's that one. Timothy Dalton. This is the most fucking weird thing you'll ever. She's playing a 21-year-old. Oh, come on.

Don't worry, honey. I'll rub you the right way. Love. That's horrible acting. Love will keep us together. Think of me, babe, whenever some sweet-talking guy comes along. Oh, this is horrible. This is amazing. This is what gays love. Really? Stop. But I really love you. Stop. I'll be thinking of you. This is so bad. My heart and that love.

Keep us together. Where's the talent? Whatever. It's fucking bad. Look at her walk away. Watch this. You belong to me now. This is horrible. She ain't gonna set you free now.

He was hot. Oh, yeah. Who is that? Kimmy Dalton. He was James Bond. Yeah, one of them, right? Yeah. He looks like James Bond. Yeah. But if you want to ask what a gay meant, like when Republicans are like, gay agenda, it's pretty much this.

This is the gay agenda. I've talked about this a million times. You've seen Brando in Guys and Dolls sing Luck Be a Lady, right? It's so bad. It's good. Pull this up. Dude, just get Brando Luck Be a Lady. Why wouldn't they replace his voice? Because he was... Dude, by the way, the best part of this is that he gets fucking the lead over Sinatra, who's in the movie. Sinatra's Nathan Detroit. This guy gets the main lead.

And Brando can't fucking sing. But he's so confident that no one gave a shit. And it's actually like... When did he stop caring in his career? When do we think it just... He kind of goes back and forth. Right. He kind of cares, doesn't care, then cares again. Because in The Godfather, he was just reading the lines off people's chests. Yes, exactly. In That Godfather? Yeah. And then he did it for Superman and all that. Go to like 50s. Listen to this. Yeah, go there. Lady Luck.

This is great. Oh, Jesus. It sounds like a comedian doing an impression. Yes. What if Marlon Brando was in Guys Without Bills? He's so hot. Yeah, I mean, he's hot. He's hot as fuck. This is right before he, like, I would say lost the book. Yes, yes. This is where it gets bad. Be a lady tonight. She's just talking to him. It's like if Nicholson was in it. And he's like, he's really active.

That's what he does. But he's still awesome in this, but it's like ridiculous. He's got the wiggly jaw. And the horns are working. Also, is he on the set of the original Batman movie? Like, where is he?

Mario Brothers? What's that? A lady doesn't leave her escort. It's not awful, but it's ridiculous. It's better than Russell Crowe in Les Mis. That's like Dylan now, where you're like, I think that would be a great movie. And blow on some other guy's die. Let's keep this party polite. Russell Crowe, like, destroys the songs in that movie.

Oh, my God. Are you talking about Les Mis? He destroys stars. When he sings stars, it's unrecognizable. Stars is my song. I sing stars. It's the best song ever. We got to watch Russell Crowe's stars. The weird thing is these are world-class actors, like Russell Crowe, Marlon Brando. But yeah, but it's like...

Yes, but then it goes to show singing. I always say it. I was like, we need names. I'm like, okay, well, that's like getting Taylor Swift to be a quarterback. Right, right, right. What's the skill you have? Singing is such a difficult skill. You should at least be able to sing a little. A little. Yeah. I mean, Sondheim said he'd rather a good actor.

Who's a decent singer. I was always upset. What does he know? What does Stephen Sondheim know? I'm the straight guy who's got a fucking... No, I love Sondheim. Are you kidding? I'm my hero. Oh, God. Oh, fuck you. What is he thinking? Who let this happen? Yeah, why? There we go.

That's such a big moment. What do you do if you're a director on this and that happens? No, you take your check. Yeah. But at what point do they, like, why did this let this happen? Also, I think they lowered the key. It's ruined the song. Yeah, like fall. That's a big moment. Yes, you're right. It's supposed to be like, you know. It's so operatic. This is like...

The thing with singing, and I'm sure your fans will love that I'm getting into this, but whatever. You use different textures in singing to create different emotion, right? So in that moment when he's like, and if they fall, you're supposed to go from quiet to loud, right? So he's just going, and if they fall.

Yeah, it's not a crescendo. The beauty of Les Mis, it has the best crescendos of any musical. It ruins that release completely. But you just did it. I got fucking hard. The way you do it. No big deal. And my chocolate dick is still hard. I've got everyone hard. But that's one of my favorite songs. Happy birthday, by the way. Yeah. Happy birthday, Banks.

Yeah, Stars is, is that your favorite Les Mis song, I guess? Yeah, for sure. I love that. It's my favorite. Because I used to sing it, it's like perfectly in my range. It's a great, it's a great, great song. Come on, what about Master of the House? Master of the House. That's a good one. I love On My Own. Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of anger? Well, why are they British? I don't know. Hello, where are you?

we're here in France like what back then British just meant any other country British just sounds better for me but it makes sense we are here in France

Because Nazis all had British accents. Romans had British accents. It's like Star Wars, the Empire. Princess Leia had it for like three minutes. Her book, by the way, is brilliant. Wishful Drinking. She talks about her accent a lot.

She's awesome. She's hilarious. She's hysterical. Really? She is from beginning to end, she's a comedian. The book is funny from beginning to end. She doesn't let you get serious about anything. She makes fun of herself. I'm going to pick that. Is that a wreck? Yes. I'm going to pick it up. Her personality is so beyond like those performances. Yes. Like that she did in the.

Yeah, totally. She's a great... At one point, she's being interviewed and they're like... Which book is the one that... Wishful Drinking. Wishful Drinking. Which is a solo show. Yeah, she did a solo show about it. At one point, someone asked her in an interview, they're like, Carrie Fisher, this one movie, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, which movie? And they said it. She goes, I don't remember a day of shooting. I was high as hell on that movie.

Good for her. Yeah, she's really funny. She's Debbie Reynolds' kid. Yeah. Talks all about her mom. They both died at the same, like she died like. 24 hours. What? Yeah. She died and then Debbie, she. Carrie died and then Debbie had to outshine her. Carrie died and then Debbie had a heart attack. Yeah, yeah. That's what happens with two divas. That's so true.

But even Debbie was funny. You watch interviews with her. She's also very funny. They're very self-aware. Yeah. You know. Wow. Good for them. On my own. They said she never had a, never went a scene without a cigarette and a Coke. Yeah, she loved, yeah, she loved Coke. She drank Coke. Wait, like, never went a scene. Never like, like,

I could use a fucking smoke, man. You know what I just found out about Pavarotti is that Pavarotti, they had to sew extra pockets into his shirts because when he would leave the stage, they would have chicken wings waiting for him and he would eat them and put the bones in the pockets. I'm not kidding you. That's so white trash. I love it. It's from the Metro...

From the Metropolitan Opera, they told me. Oh, that's like a Simpsons joke. I love that. Isn't that great? That's amazing. You love Cracker Barrel. I love like... There he is, yeah. Reason why legendary poet Luciano... Those are bones. He kept secret stashes of pasta with him during the performance. It's true.

It is true. It was hard to be fat back then. You had to work at it. You have to watch reactions. You know, I hate reaction videos. They're so annoying. But singing reaction videos I like. And they have a compilation of people watching Pavarotti and every time he sings, they cry. Wow. They just start weeping. People who have never seen it before, they're like...

Quite the womanizer, too. I watched his documentary. He did very well. He was a piece of shit. I know, but he was fat as shit, but still getting supermodel. Had wife, had kids, and then had another woman, had more kids, had this. He just did whatever he wanted. I guess I never think about, I mean, I know singing can be sexy, but I never think of him bellowing and women being like, getting wet. Oh, swooning. They're going nuts. Oh, yeah. You hit a high C.

They'll come. They'll come. Did you all see Sondheim's Merrily Roll Along on Broadway? Oh, it was incredible. Sondheim did Ascending the Clowns, right? Yeah. That's from Little Night Music. Yes. And the original singer was in, what's her name? She was in Mary Poppins' Cast Off the Shackles of Yesterday. I can't remember. What was her name? Anyways, the song was meant to- Ethel Merman? No. No.

I love Ethel Merman. I love that she's in Airplane. Yes. Airplane and Naked Gun are two of the best movies ever. I think Naked Gun is number one. Naked Gun is the funniest movie of all time. Really? Over Airplane? Wait, what's the funniest movie of all time? Naked Gun. Oh. But it has to be over Airplane. It's funny, yeah. Why? Because Leslie Nielsen is the funniest part of Airplane, and he's in all of Naked Gun. Really? Nielsen's the funniest part of Airplane? He's in like 10 minutes of it. But he's the best part.

Oh, Talk and Jive, the Jewish sports pamphlet. I mean, there's a lot of great stuff. The autopilot. I like when they scream and the woman just goes like that. Yeah, yeah, that was great. But there's something about Leslie Nielsen. Like, everyone else in the movie is just deadpan, but there's something about Leslie Nielsen's deadpan that's like, no, he's not. Stop calling me Shirley. So, seeing it in Naked Gun the whole time. Sure, sure. Okay, if you were questioning the guy, any, uh,

and then the money goes back and forth. That's amazing. I mean, that's like comedy. Oh, that's great. He's like, where? Why should I tell you? And then the guy he's questioning starts giving him back the money. Yeah. That's fucking gold. It's like Abra Costello shit. It's also like, oh, sorry. I was going to say, if you had to pick the funniest movie of all time, what is it? Now that's a question. I think Naked Gun. I would say Waiting for Guffman. Oh,

That's a fun one. Both make choices. Catherine O'Hara. Are we talking objectively or what makes you laugh? What makes me laugh? Between me, it's Naked Gun or Big Lebowski. Oh, interesting. Lebowski makes me laugh. Honestly, you know what makes me fucking die? MacGruber kills me. Oh, yeah. MacGruber's fun. MacGruber just like, it just tickles me, man. He's just so good. Yeah. Yeah.

That abortion part. That abortion part kills me. It's fucking, we did that on the tour bus last year and Gary Veeder, I've never seen him laugh as hard in my life as during the abortion where he describes making the woman, he's like, I don't know why this guy hates me. And then he describes him making him get the woman he loved in abortion and he says it sincerely and it's like,

And the van blowing up is legitimately shocking. It's actually pretty shocking. I would say Dumb and Dumber is up there. We're just going flat out funny. But the most I've ever laughed at a movie is Windy City Heat. Have you ever seen that? I've never seen it. What? I've never seen it. The whole movie is one long prank. So it's real. It's a real thing. So it's even funnier because it's really happening. They pranked this guy named Scary Perry, who's like a Brooklyn mook, Italian dude. He's homophobic. He's...

He's just like a womanizer weirdo. And they just prank him. They tell him, you're going to be a big star. We're going to put you in this movie. And it's all a fake movie. So he thinks he's in this movie. And they keep putting like, all right, you're going to kiss the girl in this scene. Oh, the girl's out of town. So we got this guy to stand in. He's like, I'm not kissing no fucking guy.

You gotta see it. It's incredible. Wait, they're pranking him the whole time? I've heard from many people this is like one of the funniest movies ever. It's fall down funny because it's really happening. Like this guy's freaking out the whole time and they keep fucking with him. It's amazing. Dude, you know what makes me laugh so fucking hard is...

Not a movie, but anytime I watch Nathan for you, I'm like... Oh, yeah. That's a great show. That gets me laugh out loud. Killer. I still watch the Golden Girls. Golden Girls has a lot of jokes in it. It's so fucking... Mitchell Hurwitz, Arrested Development. Yeah. Was he... Is that right? I think he was one of the main writers, if not the staff writer. My favorite Golden Girls line is B. Arthur goes, Blanche, I'm bowing your earrings. I have a date tonight. With a man? No, Rose. A Venus fly. Ha, ha, ha.

I have to head out in like 10 minutes. I'm sorry. Oh, all right. Well, let's plug some dates, man. Oh, okay. I'm on tour. The Can't Stop Talking Tour. Can I just read where I'm going to be? Please. Okay. Oh, great. So tour dates. I will be... Okay. I will be in West... Okay. Come on. Okay.

I'll be in West Hampton, August 3rd, Winnipeg, August 8th, um, Chicago doing a live podcast, Provincetown, August 30th. And then, uh, I,

I'll just read off my... I'll read off the order. Lauderdale, Atlanta, Cincinnati. Yes, Atlanta, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Durham, North Carolina, Albuquerque, Dallas, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Richmond, San Francisco, Sacramento. And if you want to get tickets, go to materialandcomedy.com. And I have a new...

advice special I put out a month ago on YouTube. So Mateo Lane comedy YouTube dot com. So much content. I got to hand it to you. You really pump it out. Thanks. I'm tired. Yeah. Ron Hirschberg's got a great new special out called Brave on YouTube. So check that out. Yeah. Yeah. The clips are great. Ron pumps out hours every five minutes. That's true. Thank you. Killer material dude.

It's kind of true. Not having a life can really... Watch it now. It's on YouTube. It's terrific. Watch my special. Follow me on Instagram, Rana on Comedy, R-A-N-A-N Comedy, but mostly just watch my special. Yes. It just came out. Check it out, folks, on YouTube. I got a new special. Oh, I'm sorry. Are we new dates? Rana. Dates?

Oh, going after Mateo. This is like someone just took out a bigger dick in the website. I've already brought the cake. I'm taking a I have a couple of days, but I'm taking a break to film a movie. Whoa. Congratulations. Raised like thirty five thousand. It's only twenty five minutes, but it's just really. Why are you talking down? Be proud of this. That's amazing. Congratulations. I'm filming that in August. So I'm focusing on that.

All right. Look out for that. I love it. Fiddler on the roof. Yeah. I got a new special out on Tuesday. So it's called You've Changed. It's on Prime Video, Amazon. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you watch it. Tell your friends. Amazon, You've Changed, Sam Morrell, comedy special. And I'm all over the road. I got, you know, I'm doing Hammond, Indiana with Chrissy D. Whoa. Chrissy D. Chrissy D and Nimesh is doing that day too. And then I'm in Miami, California.

fucking Prior Lake, Minnesota. Woo!

What else? Oh, Baltimore. August 15th through 17th. You get to say hi to Kevin Spacey. I'll say what's up. Space dog, come through. You're the man. Hey, Pax. We got New Brunswick, New Jersey in August 22nd through 24th. Niagara Falls. That's with Chrissy. Ooh, London. Yeah, and then I'm hitting Europe. Dublin. Have you been to Ireland before? It's amazing. I have. I loved it. Yeah, we got London September 18th and Belfast, Dublin.

Oh, the Apollo Theater in France is great. I can't wait. That's going to be. And the Mervart. Amsterdam. We added a second show, baby. I'm doing two there, baby. Copenhagen, baby. Who am I? Oslo. Stockholm. The wine's hitting me.

Stockholm. And follow us on punchup.live slash samorell, punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Everyone's on punchup. You got that right. Mark, what do you got? Happy New Year. Shit out of me. Hey, punchup live. I'll be in, when does this come out? Sunday.

I'll be in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Cedar Rapids, Rockford, Illinois. By the way, you know she's old if she's not hearing this shit. Richmond, Virginia, Greensboro, North Carolina, Anaheim, Thousand Oaks, Redding, PA, Red Bank, New Jersey, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Orlando, Florida.

Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, and Toronto, Newport. Come on out. Say hello. Queef it up. Oh, you got a new podcast with Chris D. Oh, Chris DiStefano. I have a new podcast called Teach Me Daddy. And I have another podcast with Nick Smith called I Never Liked You. The clips I've seen are hilarious. And, uh,

by the way bodega cat whiskey is at the comedy cellar it's at the stand it's going to be a new york comedy club soon it's all over the the country right now and it is the premiere it's the old-fashioned you order an old-fashioned the comedy cellar right now it's with bodega cat rye work and uh you can go to any of the rooms of the cellar the fat black the village underground the olive tree anything and you can get yourself a fucking say hi to avery

The hottest bartender alive. And makes the best dirty martini in New York City, baby. Here, here. Love those fucking... Avery, you make the best dirty martinis. Dan Hall, I love you too. You make good ones too. But... By the way, fucking... You get a strip house dirty martini with those fucking blue cheese. Oh, forget about it. Fucking...

Don't dick cake and that. I'll come. Anyway, you guys are the best. We love you. Watch Mateo's advice special. See these guys on tour. Watch Ronon's new special, Brave. Brave on YouTube. Keep listening. We love you guys. Happy Forge. Happy Forge. Sunday's the day for my next Fender. Shoes close. And Norman's talking shit about getting poked in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop. Feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New

This woman doesn't remember. And I'll be true.