Ep 185: Harland Williams & Sci Fi Hamster Wheel 01:35:42

Yo! Hey, we're here. We're queer. We might be drunk. There you go. You feel good? Yeah, good to be here. Beautiful. 75 degrees in New York City. So nice. I love this shit, man. Very nice. I don't mind when it's cold here, though. No one complains about the winter. I kind of like the winter. Love the winter. You throw on a big jacket, it's kind of fun. Love a jacket.

Yeah. But this time you get the, I mean, my neighborhood is just yoga pant city. I love that. It's pretty great. But when you have the jacket, you don't have to think about what you're wearing as much. True. And I kind of like that. It cuts down on the get ready time. Definitely. And you feel like you take on the world in a big jacket.

Yeah. I love a good jacket. Love a big... But I hate a fucking one of those. No. Growing up, that's all I had. My parents remind me of these. That was the style back then, too. Every jacket was puffy. Yes. You probably didn't even have big jackets growing up in New Orleans. Didn't even own one. I had to buy one here. That's crazy. We had like... I remember you remember the Blizzard of 96 and shit here. I mean, you'd have these big puffy jackets. Anyway, you looked like... Jeez, pull up the...

Maggie Simpson on the big red. You just looked ridiculous. Yeah, like Missy Elliott. Yeah, I hated the big J. There you go. That's what it looked like, dude. Like Christmas story.

Yeah, hate the big jacket. But yeah, this weather's fucking cool, man. And the yoga pants. It doesn't matter your ass. You got a great ass. That's true. Yeah. It'll take like a B minus to an A minus. That's a great point. It saves the ass. And some of them have like a weird thing at the bottom that like accents the cheek. Yeah. I don't know what they're doing, but keep on doing it there, Lulu Lemon. Yeah. It's been great for...

Great for the ass. Lulu, the origin story is that he was doing it to make fun of Asians. That's what I heard. I think it was debunked. Is it? I don't think. Look it up. Look at that third one. Go up top. No, no, no, a little left. Yeah, the third one. Look at that accent. I believe this is padding.

Okay, maybe Patty, but see that darker line at the bottom? You want to see an accent? Get an Asian person to... No, okay. Roo-roo. Yeah. Boy, a lot to talk about. Saw a face in the crowd off of your guy's rec, Ilya Kazan. I feel like we all have pretty good movie taste. Of course. Ilya Kazan, we played that clip...

with Dorosan Chrissy here. Yeah. I mean, not a good guy. Great fucking filmmaker. I mean, on the waterfront, east of Eden, streetcar named Desire. That's a great one, yeah. Is there a death of a salesman? What am I talking about? Streetcar named Desire. But yeah, facing the crowd is like,

Man, and it's one of those movies that it feels so relevant. Yes. Like when you rewatch Network and you're like, fuck, this type of cynicism is always going to be around. I'd say it parallels the rise of Trump as well, like the populist candidate. Right, right, for sure. Totally. But the media stuff is so similar to now. We haven't evolved that. We have podcasts and we have Instagram and social media, but it's still work.

somehow it's so good yeah and it's young walter math out in there yes oh that guy just always fucking delivered too always great but i mean uh andy griffith unreal that he deserved an oscar for that i know it was crazy and it's uh yeah it's one of those movies that i feel like people sleep on there's two i don't know i think billy wilder did the other one it was a face in the crowd and then the other one was uh ace in the hole which is kind of it's kind of

A similar message that, not a similar message, but kind of like how fucked up this guy is and what journalism is. Oh, really? It's a great movie. Billy Wilder made that. If you like A Face in the Crowd, definitely check out Ace in the Hole. It's Kirk Douglas. It's a great flick. Okay. Who backed the first guy who got outed?

Oh, what's his name? Somebody wrote. Rock Hudson? No, no, no. Somebody, the Hollywood 10. Yeah. Yeah, the communism you mean? The communism. He got one of them when that was all going on. He was like, this is ridiculous. The guy wrote, what is it, Ben-Hur? Spartacus. Whoever wrote Spartacus was in the Hollywood 10, and he said, put his name on the fucking credits. And they were like, we can't, we can't. He's blacklisted. He's like, put it on there. So he got it on.

Wow. Took some guts. What happened to the guy after? He got more work. Wow. So it kind of saved him. It was at the tail end of it all, but he was like, put the guy's name on there. He wrote the fucking movie. Ace and the whole great fucking... Highly recommend to both you guys. Facing the Crowd was one of those where...

yeah it just shows how how far charm takes you man yeah charm is bullshit charms a lie when you meet someone you're like he's very charming is he a good person right right and it's so relevant because we've seen this with social media people go viral they go crazy they're all over the place and then you got to see their show and it sticks see them live god he killed him and he was like on an 11 the whole movie screaming laughing yeah he's

It's funny. It's almost like got some Joker in it, too. Yes. It's really, really good. I went on an Elia Kazan wormhole after that. I was just Googling readings from Turkey, crazy stuff. Came on a donkey with a sack on it. I came on a donkey with a sack on it. You've been to Juarez, huh? Guys who were fighting over a cum joke.

Dude, yeah, that was like the age in Hollywood where all these great directors, they just came to America. Like there was a quote in the Orson Welles book about – I think it was Fritz Lang who has made so many great movies. But I think it was – I was pretty sure – look it up for sure. I think it's Fritz Lang, Orson Welles, Fritz Lang. But he –

He said to Goebbels, Goebbels, like, you should be like, you know, our kind of not, you know. Minister of propaganda. You should be our. Yeah. You should make our movies, basically. And he was like, but I'm Jewish. And he goes, I decide who's Jewish. Whoa. And Fritz Lang goes, it was that point that I realized I should leave Germany. Came to America. Wow. Made the big heat, which is like.

A top five noir for me ever. That's a fucking banger. Have you never seen that one? I decide who's Jewish. I decide who is a Jew. Wow. Yeah, yeah, there we go. It's kind of like make or break, like with cancel stuff. Like, I decide if you'll be all right, you know? You can see, I'm trying to think of a good example of, like, Chris Brown, who, you know, what I think did worse than Louis, but somehow he's allowed to be...

Right. So, like, we do kind of still do that. We pick who should be in trouble. There's, like, you know, Diddy. What he did is so fucking gross. Yeah. It's so funny that I saw, what's his name? Mayor Adams was like, we're going to take away his key to the city. I'm like, ooh, hit him where it hurts. Yeah, yeah. No more fake key. Yeah.

That's going to hurt. So I heard a theory about the tape that was leaked. The video of him beating up his wife, Cassie. The theory is, well, he actually paid for that tape. He went to security and said, $50,000, I want that tape. And they did it. So it's been since 2016. Was that like eight years? No one's seen this. The statue ran out. Is that why? No, that's what I thought. But they said, well, there's only one copy of this tape. And Diddy has it.

But the feds raided his homes and got all of his shit. And so people are saying, oh, well, they really don't have anything on the sex trafficking stuff, but let's dirty him up a little bit and release his tape. Yeah.

Interesting. Well, it's nice to have something concrete because we all keep hearing like Bieber this, Meek Mill that, and he goes to an island. It's all up in the air. And then you get the tape and you're like, we got something. And that's why they would release that to say, oh, look, we weren't so wrong about this guy. He is bad. There you go. And, uh,

It's weird how it happens, though. So they paid 50 grand. Who did they pay? Just some guy with security footage? Yeah, probably a security guard. I don't know. Is it one person? It's definitely not the hotel chain. They wouldn't be that stupid. Right. I think it was the Intercontinental in LA. Ooh.

They wouldn't be. I know that was my first thought. I'm like, I'll never stay at the hotel. And I was like, I kind of like a nice. They got they got the one in Chicago's got that Olympic pool. You see that towel he had? That was that really stayed on, didn't it? It really did. I'll tell you this. A fluffy towel.

Not just is that a wreck, but a fucking thin towel is such a piece. I said towel. You know what I meant. Yeah. I used to live with a guy named Powley. Oh, yeah. Jonathan Powley. Towel-y. Towel-y. South Park. The thin towel, there's nothing worse. Because you get out of the shower, especially in the winter when it's kind of cold and you just have a thin. It's nothing. Yeah? You get nothing. A loincloth.

Yeah, he almost made it to the elevator with that lady. That would have been a little Ray Rice that we've sampled before. That's another hit. Maybe this is the angle. You want a towel to be like the opposite of a condom. The thicker. I like it. I like it. That's something. No, no, no. That's terrible. We love you. We still love you.

Man, he killed it. But yeah. The Ray Rice one. Wild. That was pretty TV. Is this one worse? So, I mean, he drags her back to the room. It's so fucking bad. So bad. And he did a towel. And you see the later footage where he throws a vase at her. If I didn't see that. Oh, the vase is bad. It's a glass vase. And he just he's sitting down. He throws it at her. Vase in the crowd.

Face in the crowd. Pull up the vase. But yeah, that was a wild video. But it's nice to have something concrete. Enough with the rumors. Yeah.

Have you seen this? Kind of like OJ with the t-shirts. They got him on the merch, not the murder. They interviewed Cameron. Oh, I saw that on CNN. Yeah. He did what Mark and I do on these types of shows. You didn't see this? He just go to the end of it. The end of it's where it's really funny when he just starts fucking with her.

This is a world's colliding right here. CNN and Cameron. Cameron, he always trolls. He went on O'Reilly and fucked with O'Reilly. Oh, really? Cameron's really funny. Really? He's really funny. Do I know? What's a hit? What's a Cameron hit? Oh, welcome to New York City. Oh, yeah. Welcome to New York City. Oh, you've heard. Okay. Oh, boy. Oh, that's him? Cameron's fucking awesome. Wow, that's big. Hey, man. He came on my sports show back in the day on...

on msg he was a great guest really he was uh thank god he didn't do this shit to me because what are you gonna do yeah he uh he's so knowledgeable about basketball and he was so fucking cool he was just like he he played along when i got a joke and he'd make jokes he was he was killer wow i love that but he did not he did not play this shit any of that traffic no go deeper go further along did you recognize that kind of anger

So she asked when he plugs, when he plugs his, uh, his booty juice or whatever. Yeah. Juice. That's the best part. Okay. I was this, this line. I really like, she's like, do you recognize that puff daddy?

when you saw that you saw in the video it's like i mean i saw him as him i recognized him i was like no that's not what i meant he's a funny guy totally

She's a very attractive lady. This is like he's talking to the cops, being interviewed by the cops about it. Oh, wow. He's giving nothing. He's not snitching at all. Yeah, we played a clip of Cameron getting shot on here once. We did? Is that true? Yeah, yeah. He got shot, and he was talking shit. Like, he wouldn't give the guy his car. Oh, wow. And he got shot, and he was, like, still talking shit. It was pretty damn weird. Wow, it's like Teddy Roosevelt. Here's the thing Sam's talking about. What are you talking about?

more about that? I mean, is there... What does he have to do with this? Is he just a musician? Is that it? He knows Puff. They both are Harlem guys. He's drinking. Is there anything known in the industry about how Diddy treated his artists? He got the plug in. Move the fingers out of the way so you can see the label. So I'm going to get some cheeks after this horsepower joint. Um...

He said he's gonna get cheeks. It's pretty good. Cheeks. Look. That's great. As guys who have disrupted serious programs like Mark and myself, he's crushing this. Crushing it. I mean, to say cheeks, because it's like you kind of can't censor that. You can't get mad, but it's like he's talking about fucking. Sure. Well, this begs the question. Next time we do the morning stuff, we got to bring the bottle of bodega. Ooh. Come on. Drink on live TV. Yeah, just hit the bottle. There's something else at the end, isn't there? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the part where she ends the interview is always, that's the moment where you know you got it. Yeah. So many people have pointed out that Diddy couldn't get away with this stuff if there weren't a lot of people protecting him. Do you think that's the case? Who the talent agent for this joint? Like, you think I'd be sitting around watching what Diddy do and all this? I didn't know this was a Diddy joint that I was inviting me to. Yo, who booked me for this joint? Ah!

I don't be sitting around watching Diddy and all that. Thanks for joining us. Thank you for your time tonight. Thank you for having me. You and me. I love this. Cameron.

Cameron! Stop it, Cameron! Oh, that's great. Yeah, this is great. I mean, he's... Never saw that. Pull it up. Pull the Cameron getting shot video. Yeah, please. Dude, he's fucking great. And he's like a New York... He's a good basketball player, too. New York guy? Yeah, New York Harlem guy. Oh, nice. Played ball. Good enough to play college, for sure. Wow. But, uh...

Yeah, Cameron, come on the pod. Please. We'd love to have you. His pod's huge. Oh, really? We'll drink the dick juice and get some cheeks. I'd love it. Hell yeah. I want to try this dick juice. Maybe it's not on there. Who knows? All right. I'll try it, too.

They say the dick pill stuff is so bad for your heart. Yes. And then it's like, who's taking a lot of it? It's like people who are older or overweight. Yes. And when you're fucking, the heart rate goes up. So now you got the heart pill with the heart rate and you're not fit. Look at Keith. He had a stroke. He blames dick pills.

He really does. The most depressing lawsuit ever. You have to cane your way into the courtroom. Remember he said he was on a flight and when he was about to land, he popped the Viagra. It's a great bit. So he could go right to. Such a good bit. His special comes out in. June 11th. June 11th. Nice. You know. Juneteenth? We got to get him to pop back in. Yeah. Is this the Cameron clip you're talking about?

Yeah, but give it one sec. But there's something about the dick pills too where you're like, I forgot what I was going to say. Yeah, just play the clip. Oh, Rebecca the Heart.

pulled off and then he started shooting as Cameron drove off in his Lamborghini sports car down this Washington DC Street He was shot twice in the arms He was treated and released from Howard University Hospital and tonight after landing back here in Teterboro He showed us the bullet hole still clearly visible in his left arm, but he says he is okay and me. I'm fine. I'm excellent man. It was great Leave it going

The end is the best part. I felt disrespected because nobody's going to take a quarter million dollar call from me, let alone a five cent piece of chewing gum. They hold you for the chewing gum. Give them the gum. Give them the gum. Yeah.

He likes to be called a businessman from Harlem. He claims the previous violence in the hip-hop world has nothing to do with this attack. It's not because of music or anything else, but you've got to realize me and my boys, we go hard. We've got a million dollars worth of jewelry on. We've got a quarter million dollars worth of cars. We candy paint everything. We like to live a luxurious life, and you've got people who don't want to see that. Yeah, you hear that, Drake? You're soft. We're at the very end here.

Yeah. Let's see what he has to say about Cam Ron. Cameron says the hijacker definitely was after him, but he said proudly tonight he got nothing. Jim Gately, UPN 9 News. How do you stop a guy from stealing your car when he shoots you twice? You just don't get out? I mean, what do you do? I think he was shooting as he was driving off. So it was like, pop, pop, pop, don't, you know, stop your car. And he didn't stop, so he just pop, pop, popped him. Oh, was his arm out of the car, I guess? No, it was glass.

Who knows? Luckily, he wasn't killed. I know. Twice in the arm. Yeah. I like how they have to say, the Lamborghini sports car. We got it. We don't need a sports car. But hey, good for Cam. I'm a new fan. He's awesome. I didn't know anything about the guy. Were you on the road this weekend?

I was. Oh, boy. Detroit, two shows in Royal Oak. That's a good one. Great. Although it's a music hall, which I didn't love. Yeah, I think I did that one. The bar's in the room. It's a little big. We sold out two of them, but it was work. You had to hammer them. And then I did Fort Wayne the next day, which was amazing. Yeah. So you never know.

That's cool. Well, we had great times. Yeah, I did Fort Wayne once. I didn't do a theater there. I did a club there a while back. Oh, I know that club. Summit? Yeah. That's a tough room. Tough room. Well, first of all, there's a couple seats that can't even see the stage. And then there's two pillars in the middle. And then so you got this shit going on. And I got heckled for about an hour there. I was actually talking to Steve, the door guy at the Comedy Cellar last night. And he was telling me his story.

I guess a friend of ours played a huge venue in New York City, and he invited Steve to the show. Outside Steve? Yeah. Oh, nice. And he invites him. If you know Steve, if you watch the show Louie, Steve's the guy that Louie shakes hands with as he's walking into the club in the intro of the show. And he said he gave him comp tickets, like horrible blocked seats. Like he's like, come see my show at this huge thing. And then gave him the worst seats. He's like, I couldn't even. He's like, I want it gone. Oh. Wow.

It made me think, like, when I give comps to friends, I don't know where the fuck they're sitting. I assume they're getting good seats. I always say, like, make sure they're getting good seats, but we don't know. Yeah, that's true. I've been giving seats away like crazy. I got to cool it. Really? I get one DM, like, I can't afford your show. And I go, here you go. I feel horrible. No, I know what you mean. Yeah. I got some peeves. Please. If you're ready. I love a peeve. I'm loaded for bear, whatever that means.

Give that a go. Where's that from? Is that for shooting a bear? I think so. Okay. Did you hear this TikTok thing the women are saying? Yes. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, no. What is it? We've actually talked about it, I think. So a woman lost in the forest-

Oh, I love this. This is great. Would you rather come across a bear or a donkey? A bear or a donkey? A gay man who's hairy? A bear or a man? You just say a man. Could be any man. It's a vague question. 99% of women said the bear. 99%?

Crazy to me. And I've gone hiking with women. Like, your sense of direction is not as good as you think. You might need a man there. You know? Also, I would love to repose that question and make it a little more specific and see what the answer would be. Would you rather run into a bear or...

Or a Puerto Rican man. And they'd go, bear. Don't stab me. That's a good point. I'm telling you, throw black on there, Puerto Rican, Mexican. They're going to go. It's all about optics. They're going to go bear every time. You're right. I saw graffiti in my neighborhood, Hell's Kitchen. It said, if I were attacked by a bear, they wouldn't ask me what I was wearing.

Might ask what you're holding. Yeah. A hot dog. They might slash your throat before you could speak. What kind of bear are we talking? That's the thing, too. There could be a black bear, but it could be. But then also, what if you said like Harvey Weinstein or a bear? You're choosing Harvey Weinstein. If you have any athletic ability, you can get away from Harvey Weinstein. That's a great point. Great point.

Also, a guy could have a phone. He could have a cabin. He could have a car. He could have a, you know, like this guy could be so helpful. I think they're trying to show us our privilege because if they said a guy to us, we'd be like, obviously we're choosing a guy over a fucking bear. But also, so would you. Come on. Of course. Of course.

Of course. It's silly. But they got to go with it. It's for the camera. I'm sorry. What was your peeve? I didn't mean to cut you off. Oh, no. But that's a good nugget there. Let's ask Rachel when she comes in. Yeah. All right. By the way, never mind. I can go all day about the bear thing. But peeve. I got a couple. Should I save some for the guest? Go hard. All right. How about this one?

You know, you take people out on the road, you take them out to dinner, headliner pays, pretty standard. Sure. I don't care for these young guns ordering a bunch of apps and then not eating them. Oh, of course. You order those apps on my dime, you're eating every goddamn one of them. It's hilarious because he's nodding. I'm an app guy. You're an app guy? Yeah. Fine. I'm an app guy.

app guy as well. I love ordering apps for the table, but once they know you're paying, I've been with some people who get a little carried away. Yes! And I'm like, hey, this place ain't cheap, motherfucker. You picked it, Gary Veeder. I want a little bite of this. I want a little bite of that. No, no, no little bite. No taste sample flight of beers. No, no. You eat all those nachos. Gary will send me restaurants. We'll be in like a fucking, not expensive. We'll be in like Allentown, Pennsylvania, and I'll be like, $59 entrees? Ha ha!

You better give me that butthole when we're done with this dinner, motherfucker. Assume the position, you twink. This happens. I mean, I gave James Webb, our buddy, a lot of shit for this because we were on the road once at like a nice Mexican place. He's like, order me two burritos. I'm like, they're fucking this big. What? You're not going to eat two. And he's like, all right. He agreed. He's like, I won't. Jeez. But it was like they were getting carried away with the meals. Yeah.

And I'm an app guy, too. I'm down for the... Sure. Let's party. I think it's like something about the...

family style of being out with your boys. It is kind of fun. You're all sharing. Totally. Like Chinese food with your buddies, you know? Yeah, it's great. Family style, a little kung pao, a little poo poo, but I don't like this idea that they're out with the king so we must dine and feast on the meatballs, the chicken wings, the nachos, the potstickers, the dumplings. By the way, it doesn't sound like he was at the fanciest place that he's complaining about. Extra wings, you motherfucker. It was Chili's.

No, but I know what you mean, though. Because, like, I feel like we were pretty cautious about it when we were out. I would never order an app if I was with a headliner. Unless they brought it up. Nah, I mean, I don't give a... If it's my crew, I don't give a shit. But also, I know what you mean when more and more people start coming out. Yes, yes. They bring a friend. Then you got the sound guy, the video guy. It adds up. It adds up. This is how athletes go broke. Exactly. The entourages. The entourages. You hear that, Cameron? Ha, ha, ha.

So, yeah, I'm okay with ordering it as long as you eat it. I don't like just the idea of this willy-nilly, like, give us all everything. Here we are. We're out to dine. I know what you mean. Like you're Louis XIV or something. So I got a little dating advice from my dad. Very little advice in general, but a little dating advice. And one of them was wear a Hawaiian shirt. Never wear. So his advice was if you're on a date with a girl, you just look at the menu and you look at the waiter and say, I'll order the wheel.

That means every appetizer. The wheel. Yeah. And that usually impresses a girl. Okay. Or it's Gary Veeder. I'll have the wheel. He's like, oh, deary me. So you have everything? Every appetizer.

Why is it called The Wheel? I'll just take everything. I don't know. That's what my dad said. Probably something from the 50s. I don't know. Okay. I mean, that's pretty badass. Your dad's dating advice goes exactly against what Mark is annoyed by. Well, he's talking about openers. I'm talking about openers. Ah, there you go. Yeah, if you're trying to get laid, get the Wheel of Fortune or whatever. You don't want to eat that much if you're trying to get laid. Oh.

You don't want to be too full. It's a flex, though, as the kids say. Hey, look at this, lady. I can take care of you. I can provide. Every meal, every food is on the table. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Do you guys ever get dating advice from your fathers? No. Wrap it up. I got a lot of that. Put out. Yeah. Watch out. Give it up. Yeah. Pull out. Pull out.

That was from my biological father. He's like, make sure you pull out. Let me see if I got... I wrote some peeves. I always write down some peeves. Yeah, I got more too. Oh, I got a... I don't know which ones I should save because you write down so many. And the thing is with jokes and peeves, I forget which ones I'm repeating sometimes. So you guys hopefully can help. And we have a guy coming up in a few episodes who I want to throw some peeves at because he gets all worked up. Who, Sal? Quinn. Quinn. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's going to come out before this one. Oh, okay. Well, I'll save it. We're backlogging because we're both going out on the road. Okay. Um...

Okay, I got to peeve. People who act, they want to act busy, but they're not doing shit. Sometimes it's people we work with. They'll be like, all right, let's hop on a call. We're like, nope, all the things I need are written in text and an email to you. They're like, all right, 2 p.m., we'll all discuss this. I'm like, there's nothing to discuss. Oh, I hate the discuss. We got the stuff. We got it. I hate a call that we don't need to do a call. Mark and I, it's funny, whenever we're working on stuff, Mark and I just want to avoid...

any contact yeah i get stressed out by a long text oh same i don't read them i just go ah and i throw my phone i hate a long text but we were doing something with the movie i think it was i don't know if it was movie or like whiskey i don't even know yeah but you guys the text came in you guys have time to hop on a call and then i got a side text from you going do we need a call about everything and i was like i know i was thinking the exact same thing i don't i want to just text sometimes well the thing about

the call is, it's so much more than a call. It's like, you gotta be alone. You gotta be in a quiet area. You gotta be kind of stationary to have a call. And then the call turns into a Zoom. Not just audio. Now we want to look at you. Sooner or later, you're gonna be spooning me. It's fucking ridiculous. The call is a gateway to the anal. Yes. That's where it's gonna go. The Zoom is always... I hate the Zoom. We had one for the key art on my special. Like, can we hop on a call? I'm like, I gotta do a call about the key art.

I told you what I want. What do you mean? Be ditty. No more key art. We're taking that too. The key and the key art. What is key art? Is that just the main photo? Yeah, it's just one they use that you click on. Oh, I see. So you want it to look cool. And I thought actually they killed it. They did a great job. I love what they did. But I was like, we could have gotten this. Of course. Just give it a thumbs up on the photo, on the text. I think what happens is they're probably paying like an ad company to do it for them and the

more rounds probably cost them more so that's probably why they want to hop in a car but I'm like I'm pretty simple simple text yeah and I will say there's the other side of this where I avoided everything like a friend of ours he shot a special and he you know it's hard to watch a special you got to edit it it's brutal and he's like just just edit it I can't even watch it and then it came out and he watched it and he's like this is all wrong but it was already out who was it I don't want to say

All right. You can bleep that. Bleep that. But he was like, I hate the way it came out. I hate the way it looks. I hate the pacing, this and that. And he was like, I should have watched. So it can fuck you. But obviously there's limits. On the flip side of that, some guys are spending...

90 hours, I've heard, editing one hour of special. They sit in a room for 90 hours with the editor. That's overkill as well. It's tough to look at yourself. It's really frustrating. It loses all humor. Well, not only that, you start to hate. And by the way, you probably hate the jokes a few months before you tape. Totally.

uh so then when you're rewatching like oh at least you're removed from it a little at that point but then you kind of start to you're like all right these are kind of fun now that i'm like removed from it i don't hate them as much yes i haven't told them in a while so i don't hate them as much but then you start watching again then you start to fucking hate them again and uh

Yeah. I mean, I have such a peeve when I'm re-watching it and the same mistake. You have to keep it the same. Oh, yeah. I go nuts. Maybe that's good. Like your kids turn 18, you start to hate them to push them out. Yeah. That's just the natural progression of pushing your jokes out. Like you're out in the world now and I don't want to see you anymore. I'll never see you again. Yeah. This is it. And 80s comics, their kids never left. They did those jokes forever. Those kids are staying in the basement. Well, you never see them again except for when you're in a jam. Right.

When you're in a bad situation, you're like, kids, I need you. Yeah, it's like a corporate gig. I'm in a bad one. Corporate gig, you're like, let me pull out my kid. Because you're desperate. That's your jam. Dude, the cellar last night was fucking rocking, dude. So I'm on a show. The lineup was Chrissy D, Louis CK, Shane. I'm on it. It was fun. Jesus.

Everyone on there was murdering. It was so fun. Wow. You were on a show with Michelle Wolfpops. Wolf Shane. Kumail was on one of them. Kumail Nanjiani. These are all headlines. These are all like theater or arena comics. Yeah. I mean, she was in- I mean, Kumail- Hey! Hey! Get in here, buddy! How are you?

How you doing, man?

You don't have time to iron it before the show. Their stuff is comfy, but you look good. I mean, they're kind of fitted. I always get compliments on these shirts. Norman was like, "Dude, you look awesome in these. "Where do you get these?" He's wearing them all the time now. Gary Veeder on my tour, we're all rocking cuts. You need at least one nice shirt for a family function, make it cuts.

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Download game time today. Last-minute ticket, lowest price, guaranteed. What's up, buddy? Coast to coast. That's your mic. I almost wore that shirt. What a coincidence. It's so crazy. Yeah. Gosh. I think you brought your own brew, huh? Yeah, oh, Mountain Dew. No, I didn't.

Are you drinking Mountain Dew? No, that's just to wash the other stuff down. What? Yeah. Chaser? Oh, yeah. You've never heard the saying Yahoo Mountain Dew? No, no. Oh, yeah. It's a hillbilly drink. Oh, okay. They used to say Yahoo Mountain Dew and then they'd shoot their cousin. Yeah, it was kind of a weird early, one of the early slogans of advertising. Interesting. Yahoo Mountain Dew and then...

See, and then they shoot their cousin. I didn't know Mountain Dew was a redneck drink. Oh, yeah. Totally. Joe List drinks it. I thought it was white trash. I didn't know it was full-on hillbilly. It's neither. It's delicious. We got IPAs for you. Yeah, did you get my favorite one? We couldn't find them. Yeah, what's this one? We got the brand, though. Yeah, that's the one. Sci-fi hamster wheel? Yeah, that's it. That's my drink. Sounds like one of your albums.

It is. Oh, my God. Oh, thank you, sir. Me and Jimi Hendrix partied to a can of this at Woodstock. Oh, gee, how old are you? You know, when you puke, you got to go sideways. You got to put your hand on it. Yo. Is that real? The puking, choking with Jimi? Jimi, yeah, that's what I heard. Oh, man, this is fucking good. Isn't it great? Yeah. That's the best.

Oh, that's rich. Yeah, it's good on a raft. You guys ever float on a raft in a lake? I've done it in a river. Yeah, so you know. Cheers. Cheers for fears, bro. Cheers. Yeah, we used to have a tube down the Boga Chitta in Louisiana. No way, you have a fallopian tube? Yeah.

Wow, my guy. Long story. They're tied now. Are they? Yeah, yeah. No more. To what? A pole in the backyard. Wow. Tetherball with it. Lord, love a leprechaun. We were just talking. We talk about...

Something about marrying Dumb and Dumber. Oh, yeah. An unhealthy amount, probably. No. We love them both. I mean, it's crazy that you're in both of two of the greatest comedies of all time. Oh, thanks. Yeah. My career was thriving. Yeah. It was rocking and rolling. Yeah.

It was an honor to be in them, man. It was a pleasure, yeah. How are those Fairley brothers? Are they cool guys? Oh, yeah. I think they're some of the nicest guys I've ever worked with. Really? Yep. You'd go on their set and...

They'd make the guy, the handyman who was working on the trailers, treat them the same as they'd treat the A-list stars. Wow. Just total respect for just people, humans in general. And it was just really – it was such a nice kind of tone they set and just told me everything I needed to know about them. I love it. Right, yeah. Did you audition for the Dumb and Dumber thing or did they tap you or what happened? Yeah.

Yes and no. I went in. I had never acted. I'd never been in a movie before.

And, uh, I, uh, Jim Carrey asked them to see me, uh, asked them to see me. And so I went in. Wow. Fellow Canuck. Yeah. Yeah. And I went into their office and, uh, you know, the movie was called dumb and dumber. And, uh, I sat down on a couch and they were sitting there and they're like, Hey, how you doing Harlan? And I'm like, great. How are you? And,

They're like, okay, you ready to bring the script? And I went, what script? Like, I didn't know about auditioning for a movie. And they just looked at each other and they just looked and they went, this is our guy. Like, Peter said, this is our guy. I was actually in the running for the co-lead at one point. No way. Oh, yeah, because they thought I was that dumb. And yeah, so I went through the auditioning process and

And I read with Jim several times. And then I remember on the last day, it was me and Jeff sitting in the lobby in the auditioning room waiting to go in. I'd never acted. I'm looking over at, there's this guy who's been nominated for Oscars and stuff. And I just went, wow.

I don't even know what I'm doing here. And I went to Jeff, but the guys, they were so cool. They said, hey, do you want to do this other part, the cop? And I was like, you don't owe me anything. I'd be honored. So they just offered me the cop part. Oh, man. Yeah, it was really cool. That's awesome. Because, well, funny movie, funny guy. It feels like directors don't do that anymore. They're like, we need a name.

We need a Shalamu. And you're like, no, get the funny guy for the funny part. Yeah, you'll go to a comedy now and it'll be a rapper or a wrestler or like get a comedian for the funny role. Put the rapper and the wrestling guy in the wrestling and rapper role. Exactly. Come on. Yeah, well, if you're trans, you got to play a trans part. Maybe a funny guy should play a funny part. Right? You're onto something. Uh-huh.

There you go. Well, I think that's why the roast of Tom Brady did so well. It was a bunch of comedians. It was like working comedians like Kevin Hart. Yeah, but it was also going against you too. They got a bunch of football players too. Well, that's true because it's a football roast. But I think when you book, you know, sometimes they'll book like Seth Rogen and you're like, look, hey, he's a funny actor, but he doesn't know how to zing.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I think he did stand up for a while, though. Oh, you're right. I think early on he did stand up. Will Ferrell? Oh, he's the funniest. Will can do anything. You're making some dangerous enemies here. What the hell are you doing? I'm saying they're funny, but he's not a stand-up.

No, Will's done a little bit of that, but Will's the funniest. He can do anything, anytime, anywhere. I've worked with Will. I've been friends with Will. He's like, boom. He's...

Yeah, Will's in the upper echelons in my book. No question. Oh, yeah. I agree. I'm a fan. Yeah, he's a killer, man. Look at any appearance he's done. He just adjusts to the comedy moment, and he destroys it. Even on the roast, you know, the Tom Brady roast, he annihilated it, you know? Oh, he was on that too, wasn't he? Yeah, he annihilated it. I take it all back. Well, we tried to get him, but he said no. Oh, Lord. Lord, love a lemon meringue pie bush. Oh, God.

But yeah, well, just saying, like Greg Kinnear famously said, I tried stand-up, I couldn't do it, so I went into acting, and he won an Oscar.

Wow. So there you go. He was nominated. I don't think he won, did he? I thought he won for something. As good as it gets. Yeah. Jinks. Do me some Coke. What is it? Huh? Coke? Buy you a Coke? You ever heard of that? Might be an American thing. What about a Mountain Dew? Ew. Did you have any cousins you want, Dad? Sure. Yeah, who? Mountain Dew. I don't want one of those girls to talk. Whoa. Power drop.

Ten minutes in and he drops a power slam. What? Did he win? It looks like best supporting, best actress, and best actor? And best picture? Is that possible? Best picture. Wow.

The whole movie, yeah. The whole Helen Hunt one. I did say Hunt. And Nicholson. And Nicholson. He didn't win, I don't think. I think it was Nominal. Cuba Gooding Jr. was in it. Oh, yeah. He was the gay guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a fun fucking movie. Great movie. It's like a good holiday. It's like a feel good. Yeah. We watch. How about Helen Hunt and the Rain?

Yeah. What do you mean? Wet t-shirt at the end. Sure. Pull it up. You know what? I don't find her sexy, though. Really? Let's not pull it up. How about that? Can we not pull it up? Mark and I would like to see the nipples this season. Can we not wreck the show? Look away while we look at the Helen Hunt. What are we looking at? Tommy Lee Jones? Yeah, I don't want to see that. How did we say nipples and you say Tommy Lee Jones?

Pull up his nipples, dude. Yeah. Well, he won for best supporting actor that year. For what? The Fugitive.

Kinnear? Tommy Lee Jones? No, Tommy Lee Jones, 94. That's not the same year as Good as It Gets. Okay, hold on. Oh, I was thinking of Tommy Lee Anderson, the drummer. Who's that guy? He took her name? Wait, was he in the movie? No. Tommy Lee Jones? Isn't he the drummer for Iron Maiden or something? Motley Crue. Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee. Oh, it's just Tommy Lee. There's no Jones. He's Anderson. Yeah.

He's Tommy Lee Anderson. Okay. There you go. Hey, there's old Jack. We're all out of crazy. Wait a minute. Is that the scene? I guess it's wet t-shirt Helen Hunt. Oh, gross. Look at this. Her mouth is crooked.

All right, well. Yeah, we got it. As a 14-year-old, that was exciting. That was pretty cool. That's as good as it gets. Hey! Do you want to hear my crazy Jack Nicholson story? Yes! I'd love to. So I was at the... A buddy of mine invited me to the Lakers game. This was probably, I don't know, five.

15 years ago. Are you a b-ball fan? No, I don't like basketball because I grew up playing hockey. I'm Canadian. So we didn't even have a team when I was growing up. The Raptors came like way after I left. Sure. But we were at the game and we had really good seats and we were sitting across from Nicholson. Uh-huh.

And my buddy got good VIP seats. And is it the halftime at basketball? Yep. That we went to a VIP area. And Nicholson was there. And there's like a little area with food and stuff. And then there was a separate private bathroom. So I go over to the bathroom area.

and there's a little area where you can wait. There's like two stalls, and Jack was standing there by himself eating a piece of Black Forest cake, you know, the chocolate cake with the whipped cream and the cherries? Love it. Have you ever been to the Black Forest in Stuttgart in southern Germany? I go with the White Forest.

So Jack's like scarfing down his black forest cake on a paper plate with a plastic spoon, puts it down, goes into the, I go, you're next. He goes, yeah, I'm going in next. And he goes in. And while he was in there, I noticed he left

his plate and his spoon, but there was still a bunch of like gunk on the spoon. Like Black Forest, like he didn't clean it off. Interesting. And I went, holy smokes, what's better than an autograph but DNA? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

So I pocketed the spoon, and I got one of those shadow boxes, you know, the little boxes you can put things in, like metals. Yes, yes. So I kept the ticket stub and the spoon with the gunk in it, and I've got it in my office, a shadow box with Jack Nicholson's DNA on the... Wow. Isn't that cool? Might look like a stool sample over time. No, it's still... I mean, you know, whipped cream, it never fades. That's true. It's made out of more chemicals than your sister's legs. Yeah.

Kind of cool and kind of serial killer-y at the same time. Yeah, right? But who's laughing when I make an army of Jack Nicholson's when the apocalypse happens? You got the stem cells. Right? And then I'm surrounded by Jacks and anyone who wants to mess with me, you want to fuck with him, you go through me.

And I live, you guys get eaten alive by cannibals, whores, and sweet and sour Chinese recipe makers. Well, if you've got 20 Jaxi hours, you better get a lot of cocaine. Yeah. And a lot of chicks. And a lot of porn stars. That guy fucked. Oh, yeah. Huge dong, apparently. Yeah? Who?

Jack. Really? How do you know? I heard a porn star on Howard Stern talking about banging him. No. Pull it up. Pull it out. Oh, God. Wow. Is that true? Yeah. I mean, I was a little kid, and I was rubbing one out, so I was a little off, you know, a little wonky, but that's what she said. Really wonky. God. Well, you're the one with the chocolate at the house. Yeah.

So it's framed in your office? It's framed in a shadow box. Oh, I love that. And then I put the date and everything.

Yeah, so it's still there, like preserved. Like it just gunked. It calcified right to the plastic. Yeah, so I've got his DNA ready to rock and roll. I love the guy on the phone. Yeah, we got a couple shadow boxes here. What do you need it for? Well, I got some gunk off of Nicholson's tongue. Yeah. It's still in the concave part of the spoon. You ran in the bathroom after him. You grabbed the urinal cake. You're like, I'm going to put this. Whoa.

Yeah, there's another shadow box with a log in it. Don't ever watch him fuck. He'll take that condom. Whoa, power drop.

Jumping Jeremiah. You're a huge Nicholson fan, I'm guessing. I mean, I'm not huge, but I like him. I mean, he's one of those rare legendary actors, right? Sure. Like Clint Eastwood. They're all dying off. Yeah, yeah. There's not many left. We've got Cruise and Hanks, I think, left. Yeah, but they're even from a different era. Like Nicholson and Eastwood are kind of up there, and then Hanks and- It's like Hackman and Hoffman. They're all kind of old. Yeah.

Amazing. That's what I call you, Hackman. Yeah, that's right. That's what I call you, Pac-Man, because you eat my sister's face every night. I eat a fruit every now and then. What the fuck's happening? It's good to see you again.

oh my god yeah boy the 90s you had a real run you had a ton of movies dude yeah i can't complain man i i got i enjoyed it yeah i've been i've been to this guy's house unbelievable house oh i mean it's beautiful i don't want to get into it and yeah address away but no you earned it and it's that it these movies really went to a good oh half big too oh yeah half big yeah there it is was that fun was that a fun one to make

Yeah, that one was interesting because I didn't want to do it because it was a drug movie. You don't like drugs? I'm not huge into that. And so I think it was more about I didn't want to be an influence on kids to do drugs. Interesting. And so I turned the movie down about five or six times. Wow.

Yeah, I said no to it. And then the producer, Bob Simons from Universal, said, let me take you to lunch one last time. And I said, okay. So we went to a place like right down the street from my place. I met with him. And he just said, what can we do to get you to do this movie? Wow.

And I just said, I said, Bob, I'll tell you what. You let me improvise every line. I'll give you the line. I'll give you the lines off the script. I'm not going to be a prima donna or an eagle. I'll give you what's on the script, but let me do a take where I can improvise every line.

every time I want to. And he just went, done. And I said, let's do it. I've auditioned for 38,000 movies, never gotten one. You're getting begged to be in movies. Well, this one I was. This scene in particular. Oh, let's see.

There's a great story for this one involving the improv. It went on to be kind of an iconic line. I'm sitting in prison and Cheech from Cheech and Chong pulls me up and says. Chong, I think, isn't it? Yeah, he goes, this is my bitch. And that was the end of the scene. And all those guys, there was about 70 guys. They were all extras.

And when he goes, this is my bitch, I took a beat in my head. I went, this guy would be proud of that. And I just went, I'm somebody's bitch. And the whole, all the prison, they just erupted. It was like a huge, you know, if you did a killer joke at a club, just exploded. And we had to redo the take. And we had the director say, okay,

Nobody laughed. It's this moment right here. So we reshot it. Take it.

I'm somebody's bitch. It was great. It's just the guy, they just went nuts. And I thought, that one's going to hit. That one's going to be good. That's killer. See, funny guy do funny movie. It's very simple. These Hollywood cunts, they ruin everything. That is funny that it's a drug movie, but your character the entire movie is just trying not to get raped.

That's your entire part. Yeah. Well, he was also a very sort of gentle soul. He wasn't your typical like druggie. I felt like he was more like just a peaceful guy and his buddies were druggies and he just went along with it sort of. Right, right. Can we pull up my favorite line in the whole movie with the horse?

Oh, that's my favorite line, too. Maybe one of the funniest lines in movie history. I've rewatched this eight zillion times. We used to rent this movie, and we would just keep rewatching this. Yeah, me too, me too. It was a big laugh. Now, this couldn't have been improvised. If this is improvised, this woman, we got to get her on the podcast. The horse here. See the trouble you're getting me into? Is this all riff? Yeah, this is all improv. You're hungry, aren't you? Here. Oh. Ha ha.

You like popcorn. All the pink pop pop. Makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop, pop. You must have been so hungry. No, you missed the part we wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, with the girl. The fat cop. The lady. The lady. White boy D. But that part was all improvised. The whole buttercup thing. It was just supposed to be buttercup. Oh, here we go. Hey, girl.

You're hungry? Fuck you, nigga. I'm stuck on a horse here. That went over so big. She even had like a little hint of the...

That was awesome. Everything about it, the sound of her voice is perfect. Did she have to audition for that? I guess she did. She was probably a local girl. We shot that in Toronto. I actually didn't like that moment because she said, I don't like that word. Wow. Fuck you. She's black. Yeah. But people love it. People love the word. And the interesting thing about that- That's not why we're laughing. Yeah.

I know, I know. But I'm just saying my reaction to it, I didn't like that because of that. It was sort of hard for me to hear. But the beautiful thing about that scene is if you pull it up, you look at the – it's in front of a pizza joint.

So that's the pizza joint me and my buddies hung out at in high school. Whoa. Yeah, and if you would have panned 20 feet to the right, you would have seen my best friend Steve Reeves from high school sitting in my director chair there. Wow. Yeah, we used to hang out there on Saturday night, and here I was shooting a movie in front of it. That's amazing. So cool. And then this whole buttercup scene...

It was just supposed to be Buttercup, and I purposely kept saying the name wrong to milk like Buttercup, Butternuts, Butterstuff. And that turned out to be a real popular scene. Chips and some pink popcorn and some pumpkins. This horse is a diabetic! Buttercup! Buttercup! Don't you leave me! Breathe, Buttercup! Breathe! Breathe!

I drew my t-shirt. Oh, wow. You're under arrest. What? You dumb son of a bitch. No! I'm a peaceful man. I'm a school teacher. Shut up! You cop killer! I love horses!

I love horses. I love horses. I love butter stuff. Butter stuff. Damn. Butternut. That was off the cuff? Yeah, that was off. That's killer. And to that actor's credit, he was a local Canadian kid. He was from an improv background. It wouldn't have worked if he didn't go with it. So that's half him, half me. Amazing. He had the intuition to just kept going and it worked. And...

I'll tell you one other quick story. I don't want to drag it out. Well, this is one of the only movies they ever did where Yonge Street, where we shot it, is one of the... It's sort of like the Times Square of Toronto. Okay. And so it's one of the only movies they ever did. We were out on a Saturday night on this busy street, and they roped off the sidewalk on the other side, and...

And there was about 200 people watching the scene. And after we do it, people would clap. It's the only movie I've ever done where it felt like we were doing stand-up because it was like a live audience while we're filming live. And it was just the wildest. It was such a cool experience. And...

And that horse, they had a real horse. And then right when I pat his nose, they had a taxidermied horse. Yeah. And it fell over. And then that T-shirt I drew with Sharpies. Every movie I do, I try to sneak it in. I draw my own T-shirt. It's underneath. You can see it. Amazing. Yeah. But if you look at my movies, Rocket Man and a few others, that's kind of my sneaky Easter egg thing. I draw my own T-shirt. And it's also, I feel like you play like...

a sweet dumb guy really well yeah not for sure yeah everything else i feel like i play a real smart i always said you should have been goodwill hunting yeah my opinion i should have been what's that other one with a russell crowe my special mind beautiful mind yeah my special mind yeah my yeah yeah there's the shirt i drew in rocket man

Oh, there you go. Yeah. Do you sell those or hang them up? I do them still. Well, I don't want to give a plug, but I have a website called hardbling.com, and I draw on T-shirts and sell the originals. Oh, that's great. Yeah, there it is. All right. Can we go to your scene in Something About Mary? Because it's such a funny. Okay. It's so funny. It's your show, whatever you want. We talk about this movie all the time. Wonder Woman. I might buy that one.

That's such a funny scene. So good. I mean, how did they just hit you up again? They're like, come back for this guy? They just called me. They called me for Kingpin. Wow.

And they called me. Who are you in Kingpin? Well, I didn't get to do it, but they called me to play the Amish kid, the Randy Quaid character. What? That's you? I was just sitting at home one day and Peter, hello? Hey, Arlen, it's Peter. Oh, my God. And I go, hey, what's up, Pete? He goes, yeah, we're doing this new movie. Want you to play the Amish kid? I said, great.

But I got a sitcom at the time with me and Justin Bateman at a sitcom. And I couldn't do it. So he goes, well, he goes, they must have loved me. He goes, read through the script, pick any other part.

And you can do it outside of Woody's and the girl. And then I found the other smaller part that I wanted to do. And it was, I couldn't get out of the sitcom, but it turned out to be the part Bill Murray did. Where Bill Murray was the... Oh, Bernie McCracken. Yeah. Great character. I missed out on that movie, but...

They've been great to me. I love the Farrelly brothers. Yeah. I mean, they made some of the best comedies ever. Yeah. Easily. Well, I don't want to piss them off, but I say, and I thank my lucky stars, I think I was in their two best, Dumb and Dumber and Something About Mary. In my opinion, I like them the most. Not because I'm in them, but I just feel like they're both classics. I would agree with that because Kingpin's amazing and so is Me, Myself, and Irene, but these two...

are really just lights out. And they're so quotable. I know. The crazy thing about Something About Mary is like, it's got so many fucking funny people. Yeah, yeah. Chris Elliott. Lee Evans. Amazing, yeah. Everyone in that movie kills it. Matt Dillon.

How funny is Matt? Matt, to me, is the funniest guy in the whole movie. Same. The first time I watched it, I was like, okay, sort of the straight guy. But the more I watch it, I just go, he's unbelievable. Unbelievable. He's so funny. Stiller's sort of the straight guy. Right. Stiller's great. You couldn't do it without him. Amazing. But when they were editing the movie, the Fairleys had me come in, and I got to sit in the editing room with them, and they showed me...

excuse me a bunch of scenes that matt dylan did that didn't make the cut oh and i was like guys how can you not put those scenes in like they were hilarious was the one where he's squeezing her tits it was more about when he meets her at the architectural um excuse me yeah yeah and and um

Just hilarious footage that never made it. Yeah, he goes, you ever been to Galapagos? Twice last year. Whatever country it is. Santiago, Chile. That was it. That was it. No one's been to Santiago, Chile twice in a year. Yeah. I love when he's directing or talking about the special needs guys, and he's like, oh, Mongoloid. You know, Mongo had a forehead like a drive-in movie theater. Yeah.

It's a shocking scene to see because they would never allow this now, but it's so funny. So funny. We watched this on the tour bus last year, and James just downloaded one illegally, so it was like it had all the extra clips in, and I thought they picked the right scenes to cut. I was like, oh, shit, I don't remember this, and it kind of –

It kind of missed. But then meanwhile, we did the same thing with Dumb and Dumber and every extra scene that was in there was fucking like a home run. Yeah. That's why I think they're their two best because they just flow together as a comedic piece that everything works and one scene services the next and the stories are the most cohesive.

Whereas me, myself and Irene had some amazing standout moments. I felt like the story kind of fell off. But these work, they keep you engaged regardless of the zaniness or the comedy. You're invested in them, in the story. Yeah, I would say, is it Landis?

John Landis? Coming to America. Those movies in the 80s felt like real movies that were funny. Yeah, American Werewolf in London. Yeah. John Landis. Yeah. What's the other one? Trading Places. Yeah. That felt like a real movie, but it just happened to have a hilarious guy. Yes, exactly. Now, comedies kind of just seem...

ridiculous out of the gate. You're right. It's like they lost that human quality. Yeah. Like you really buy that Ben Stiller like fuck I love this girl. Yeah. And then immediately you love him because he protects the brother. Yeah. It's so well done. I have a new one coming out that hankers back to that that

the stuff you're just talking about where it's real world, but zany comedy injected into it. Great. I'm hoping it works at, uh, but, uh, yeah. Did you shoot it or what are you? We shot it. I actually wrote it and directed it. Yeah. So it's called wing man. It's about a, it's about a professional wing man who helps, uh,

Loser guys get laid, but it's sort of in the real world. But the wingman who I play also is sort of an over-the-top Austin Powers, Ace Ventura type character. And it gets back to the non-woke comedy. Yeah, there it is. Wow.

Who's the guy? I even hate using the word woke, but I feel like it's just safe is what the problem is. Yeah, this isn't. Wingman's not. Mark and I wrote a movie script together, and we're trying to make it, and we're kind of figuring out how we're going to do that now. Be fearless. Don't settle. You're better off to not make it than to let them squish your heart. That's how we agree. And someone will find it. Someone will come through. There'll be a hole in the darkness. Just don't.

don't cave in man because there's no point if you're there's no point if you're doing it for someone else's voice then it's passionless you gotta yeah hang on to whatever you have like every here and there you have to make little compromises but but don't let them tread on your overall tone and vibe of the movie agree you see we might be drunk comes out starring ryan gosling and paul rudd yeah

We're like, yeah, we want to make it. Well, that's why stand-up is doing so well because no one can fuck with it. You know, stand-up is – we're booming right now. Everybody's doing arenas and selling Netflix specials. I mean, to make shows now, you are literally losing money as a stand-up. Like, on the road, you make money to make – so it's really just something you love. We want to do it because we love comedies. Yeah. Yeah.

We probably will lose money on it or something. Maybe, but it'll be fun to do. It'll be fun as hell to do. And that's why we got into this, to have fucking fun. And I think there's more of a window for people to find your more individualistic self.

art than there used to be. It used to be you could only do movies through studios. And now there's so many more sort of media outlets and the internet and streaming. And so just stand by your horses and do what you want to do. Life's too short. There you go, butternuts. But

That guy, that universal guy, whatever his name was. Bob Simons. I don't think that guy is around in Hollywood anymore. The guy like, oh, all right, you want to off the cuff the whole thing? Let's try that. That guy took a risk. He saw something in you. That's over. It's all play it safe. It's all Avengers. It's all what's going to make money.

Yeah, from what I heard, Dave Chappelle was really fighting for me. He wanted me in the movie. There you go. That's got to feel pretty good. Yeah, so I was honored. It was great to work with Dave and Jim and all of them. It was really fun. Another guy, so funny too. Guillermo, yeah. He was great. Yeah, he was such a sweet. I loved that guy. You're cool. Fuck.

you but that was that's a famous line iconic yeah even right was in that fucking yeah and neil brennan is the guy he throws the isn't he the guy he throws the hot dog at yeah neil neil was the co-writer he co-wrote the movie that's right with dave yeah they were buddies damn what were like some of the worst movie experiences you had

Worst? You were cut out of Schindler's List. Yeah, but even though they cut me out, it was my best movie experience. Okay. It happens. Bummer. Worst? I don't know, man. I got to say, it's such a privilege and an honor and a blessing to do a movie that

I mean, there's moments in movies. Like, I did a movie called Superstar with Molly Shannon where... Oh, yeah. I remember. You're the up-interest. And I had to stand at three in the morning. It's me on my motorcycle pulling up to her house in the rain. Mm.

And they had a rain machine on me for four hours. You know, that's not fun. But, you know, you just do these movies and they're a real gift. Like, they're so fun. She's so funny. I love her. Yeah. Underrated as a comedian. Well, that movie, God bless her, was her first big starring movie ever.

And on day one, she was so committed to, you know, Mary Catherine Gallagher is such a physical character. And so on day one, she's just like going for it. And excuse me. And her first scene on day one was with Tom Green. Oh, wow. And they're in a gym.

And he pushes her into some chairs and she like tumbles. And she went into them so hard on day one of her own movie, she cracked like three of her ribs. Whoa.

And she had to do the whole movie like in pain and she still like destroyed it, you know? Wow. It was really. She's awesome. She's awesome. She was great. She should have been nominated for an Oscar for that movie where she had cancer. Do you know the movie I'm talking about? Oh. I think it's the one Chris Kelly from SNL wrote, but she's dying of cancer. That's the movie. Yikes. And she's fucking incredible in it. Really? She's a great dramatic actor, dude.

Sounds like I'm making this up. Sounds like I'm making a joke. I didn't see that one. Sometimes people are so good at one thing that we don't accept them as another thing. Yeah. You know? Robin Williams pulled that off. Yeah. He did. Or is it me? I don't know. I never even heard of it. Other people, I think. That sucks to be in a cancer movie and no one noticed. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there it is. Look at that. He's amazing in it, dude. Dude, you just said Tom Green. You and Freddie got fingered. That's right.

That's right, yeah. You're in the grossest and funniest scene where you get the nail through your knee and he starts licking it. No, I break my leg bone on his skateboard ramp. Oh, yeah, that's right. And then he started licking it and he improvised that moment. I like how you won't do a drug movie, but go ahead and lick my open wound here. Lick my femur, you Jeffrey Dahmer reject. Ha ha.

How do you not just break out laughing when you have a compound fracture that Tom Green starts licking? Because what's his face? Why? This is why I didn't laugh. This guy. Is that Rip Torn? Yeah.

Imagine throwing a skateboard at somebody. He improvised that, yeah. But let's just say I don't think Rip was super thrilled...

being there and I think him and Tom were sort of I think there was a bit of friction and you could feel it he was sort of intense so I was just like I'm just gonna do like cause he's kind of an intense guy and he's a he's an old pro like he's a seasoned dude one of the pro and so I just sort of

I didn't dick around too much with that one. I just, cause he was, he was in a right. You mean he didn't love being in a movie where the premises, he fingered his son. Oh, a seasoned pro didn't love that. Yeah. Yeah. Why would he agree? I don't know. I think cause Tom was so hot at the time. He was like, Tom was the hot. Well,

Like, you go on the cover of Rolling Stone, he was a hot commodity. So I think anybody wanted to be around that heat, you know? Sure. Yeah. I still like him. You ever see this Rip Torn movie? I don't know if it really came out, but it was with Norman Mailer. He's like cocaine...

mid early 70s and a sort of half documentary I have seen this half documentary not the therapy one it's half documentary half like scripted and then they have a fight they get to a point where they're like we're gonna fight and they fight and it's not really scripted Rip Torn pulls out a hammer and hits Norman Mailer over the head and he's bleeding for real it's right here yeah

There's a story back in the day. He's a fucking psycho. But also there's a story. All those dudes back then were psychos. Oh, yeah. There's a story like Dennis Hopper pulled a knife on him at a dinner because I think he was supposed to do the Nicholson's role in Easy Rider. And Rip Torn was like a military guy. He just disarmed him and put him in a fucking chokehold or something. Right, right. Although Walter Matthau was an Air Force pilot. They're all dudes. Now you get actors at the red carpets wearing dresses. Ha, ha, ha.

That's so sad. Come a long way. Yeah, it's horrible. Can I play one second of this when he hits him with the hammer on the head? Okay. Is this just a coke-fueled interaction here?

Oh, jeez. I can't believe he took that. He's still standing. You must die. You must die, not Mailer. I don't want to kill Mailer, but I must kill Kingsley in this picture. Is that Rip? Yeah, it's Rip Torn in the shirt and Mailer. Wow. He's biting his ear. He's gotten the best of him, even with the other guy with the hammer. Good times. This is what you call toxic masculine. You know, you trust me.

I'm watching them just thinking how fucking great he was in Larry Sanders. I know. What's the other one with Albert Brooks he's so great in? Defending Your Life. Oh, my God. He's so good. Yeah. Those guys were nuts. That's scary. That's not good. That reminds me of when I used to work for the police when I was just starting. I used to have to go down to the morgue.

And they had on display a skull with a hole right in the top. And it was a perfect. The hammer there was a murder weapon. I watched that, and the hammer went right through this guy's skull. You ever been to the Mütter Museum in Philly? No. Have you been there? Oh, man. If you ever do a gig in Philly, take a day, go to the Mütter Museum. I bet they have some great duct tape. Well, if you're going to Mütter. Oh, no.

Trying to figure that one out. That's good. I like it. Do I get a kadunk or what? Yeah, kadunkaroo. I like a joke wrapped in a riddle. Yeah. Or a joke wrapped in duct tape. Yeah. Power drop. The Moodle Museum is just all skeletons, dead people, and how they died. So it'll be like a skull with a nail in it. And they go, this guy was caught fingering his sister and his dad hit him with a nail gun. Oh, my God. And it all has a story. Oh, my God.

And they have to agree to be in that museum. That's got to be pretty fucking embarrassing. Totally. There's one guy, he's like a dead body, but it's huge, and he died of obesity or whatever. And they have him in a big aquarium. You want to visit dad at the graveyard? No, the Mütter Museum. Yeah. But it's all like the 40s, the 30s, but they're all perfectly kept.

They have that serial killer museum in LA, the death museum. I went to that. That's kind of cool. Yeah, it was sort of a low rent one though. It's almost like they sort of put it up overnight. They had some cheesy stuff and then you're out. They still had TVs.

playing like vhs tapes on like tube tvs like you could barely see it the line going through it was like yeah it wasn't very sophisticated this is ted bundy's toothbrush you're like what does that mean yeah did he kill somebody with the toothbrush yeah did it have black forest cheesecake in the fibers no i don't think so no it's amazing look at those chompers on jack i mean for a guy who eats a pound of black forest he's got some purlies yeah man

I better take my diabetes medicine. Any movies on the horizon? Are you done with that chapter of your... Well, no. Like I said, I'm kind of in a new chapter because with Wingman, I actually wrote, directed, and starred in it. Wow. And it was one of the... It was so much work. It's really not easy to, you know...

be the director and then jump in front of the camera and the focus you need. And so that's my latest venture. And then I'm sort of starting to go down that path where I'm writing more movies and want to direct them. And so I'm hoping Wingman...

gets a good reaction and I can jump to the next one that we've kind of got lined up in the chamber. Are your buddies in it? A lot of comedians in it? Russell Peters is in it. He's hilarious in it. And Jamie Kennedy from Scream, he plays the rival wingman. And Russell Peters plays the guy that hires Jamie. And so me and Jamie have this kind of rivalry and

The trademark of the wingman is we always have toothpicks. And I wrote a scene where me and Jamie Kennedy finally have a showdown in a bar. And I shot it like a Clint Eastwood spaghetti Western where there's a clock on the wall and we have a gunfight, but we spit toothpicks at each other. Oh.

Oh, fun. And it's all shot kind of close, like eye twitches and weird lower angles. And so, yeah, he was great. So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. And we just finished the edit literally Sunday. So it's not even out yet or anything. Is it self-funded?

No, we actually had a studio and some grant money behind it. Are you hoping for theaters or a streamer? We don't know yet because we just finished it. So now we have to put it on the marketplace, see if anyone, if a studio likes it, great. That would be ideal. But yeah.

probably in today's world and it being sort of a lower budget thing, my guess would be it would be a streaming movie, but who knows? You never know. You never know. I don't even know if I'll get anything. I don't even know if it's... I've edited it, but I haven't watched it as one continuous movie yet. That's how freshly edited it is. So I still haven't seen it as one piece. So it might just fall apart and stink or it might be really good. I don't know, but that's kind of exciting. Have you ever written and directed a movie before? Yes. Yes.

But not with other people's money or with another studio. This is my first one doing it with someone else's resources. Any tips? We're right. We wrote a movie. Yeah. Now we're trying to pitch it. We don't know what...

We just got a producer involved. Yeah. We just got him on board, hopefully. Yeah, get out and pitch it to whoever you can and try and get funding. With ours, we got some government funding, and then we also got private. There's a lot of people out there.

with a lot of money who want to put money into movies privately. Part of our funding was like one guy put in a few hundred grand here, another person put in 50 grand there. So if you can sort of find someone who's good at doing that, you can actually end up pulling the pieces together

So there's many different ways to do it, but that's kind of what we did with Wingman. Love it. Yeah. Congrats, man. No, thanks. Well, hopefully it comes out good. We'll see. You know what I... Oh, sorry. No, go ahead. What I think is going to open the door for comedies again, like as you say, you know, like the not safe comedies. Yeah. This New South Park guys...

They got a new movie coming out. Have you seen this? No. With Kendrick Lamar. Matt and Trey? Yes. Oh. Yeah. Have you heard about this? I heard about it. I haven't seen anything. It's like a musical about slavery with Kendrick Lamar. So you know they're going to go for it. And I think this is going to break it all wide open. Good. It needs to be. There we go. They just crush always. They're so good, man. Oh, yeah. And they don't hold back.

Oh, yeah, look at that. So I think this is going to be a wild comedy. Damn, did you hear his fucking...

His songs about Drake, they're crazy. Oh, that's the guy that did them? Oh, okay. Oh, my God. He's like, not only are the lines vicious, but they're so fucking catchy. What's worse than being destroyed and also being like, I want to listen again? Yeah. Oh, I know. You're getting zinged to a beat. He's really talented. He really is. Yeah, the BBL, you hear that one? Which one was that? BBL Drizzy? Has a fake ass.

He does? He got a bigger ass injected in. I mean, who knows? See what I mean? We had Clint Eastwood, and now we got guys getting fake asses. Like, what is happening? Yeah, he is, yeah. So you got to get a backup duet woman to sing. I mean, this is high production.

Drizzy is Drake. And BBL is Brazilian butt lift. There you go. No way. Yeah. What a burn. I feel like there's like the number one cause of death for like a YouTube influencer. Oh, yeah. There's a butt lift gone wrong, you know? I think you're right. That's what they can't do. They can't do fucking Law and Order in the future. Another butt. Well, my sister got it done the traditional way. She got like, she wanted a faceless. She wanted like her cheek. So they took extra fat out of her butt. Oh.

And put it in her face. And the only upside is I officially get to call her ass face now, which is a real treat. Yeah. Well, that's the white woman's move. Is it? Is to take the fat out of the ass. Oh. Because the others go fat in. Would you do it? Would you get a fat rump? No.

I could use a little padding. I'm all bone. Really? When I get pegged, it is not pretty. Ouch. It's a lot of friction. You ever think about around Thanksgiving just getting two glazed hams and stuffing them down the back of your pants? That's not bad, but I feel like I'll just get fat. Why can't I just gain weight? Well, it'd be nice if you could put some glazed hams and then we get to enjoy the scent. That's true, but I think dogs will chase me.

It's all right, as long as we get to enjoy your glazed pineapple ham scented ass cheeks. He's Jewish. I don't know about the ham. I can do ham. Okay. How about that, Jewish? I can still enjoy food. Wait, I thought you were Jewish. No, you wish. What? He's an appropriator, this guy. Oh, what are you, Catholic?

Ignost? Ignost what? All New York comedians seem kind of Jewish. That's true. They what? They do? All New York comedians seem kind of Jewish. Yeah, I thought you were. That's why you were mean to me. Oh, never. I'm circumcised. How many times? I think they took a lot off. Oh.

But yeah, I'm a fan. I'm a fan of the Hebrew culture. All my heroes are thieves. I feel like it's like New York and New York Jews just complain a lot. And I feel like that's just comedic. They do. Yeah. Right. They start every sentence with like, can you believe this? And that's like fucking comedy. You don't notice. What's the deal with? We literally have a segment called Peeves on this pod. Do you have any pet peeves you want to share with us? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I hate when a girl comes to bed with either wet hair or track pants. Track pants? Yeah. Like, ugh. Because they've been out in the pants? No, it's like if I want someone to, like, I'm dating a girl. I don't want my cousin Ed coming to bed. Like, they're track pants. Like.

Like, show me. Either come to bed nude or in lingerie. But don't come to bed with, like, looks like you're about to get on the treadmill for an hour and then go eat a smoothie and fart blueberries in the bathroom. Like Run DMC, you're talking? Yeah.

Just track pants, or what do they call it? Sweat pants. Sweat pants. What's wrong with wet hair, though? Well, wet hair, I mean, would you ever go to bed with a wet towel laying beside you? I would not. Like, you got a girl coming to bed, beautiful, long, wet hair. It's swampy. It's wet. Like, imagine, you know, she goes down there to give you a blowy, and it's like the girl from The Ring is crawling up your lap. Ha ha ha.

It's like, you know, you put your head on it. It's like soggy. You pull your hand up. There's like sea urchins. Yeah, it's like spaghetti or something. Right? Yeah. I think it's some bald women, dude. Bald. Apeachia. Ooh. No, that would look like too much of a guy. Yeah. Wait, you don't mind? You like it when a girl comes to bed with wet hair? No, I hate it. I agreed with you. Right? What about you, wild thing?

I never thought about it, but coming to think of it, the pillow mildewy. Yeah, but doesn't it feel weird? You go over to make out, and it's like you're wrestling with Swamp Thing or something. Yeah, I hear you. You can just towel your hair a little bit. Yeah, go turban. Yeah, but it's still wet. What about does your wife wear track pants to bed? No. Right? You wouldn't like that. Never thought about it. Yes, you have.

If she came to bed in sweatpants. Oh, come on. I mean, if we're going at it, they're coming off anyway. Yeah, but just she's coming to bed. Like, even if you're not going at it, just even if you catch a glimpse, you go, oh, that's a woman. I got a woman in my bed. I see. Like nude or lingerie, but track pants and like a Vikings jersey. Come on, come to bed, Mel.

You're in bed with Kevin Smith. It makes a good point. I mean, you do want a woman. My girlfriend, she'll shower and just play sports talk radio. And I'm like, what am I dating a fat contractor from Jersey? There you go. I get it. You want the sexy. You don't want a guy coming to bed. All right, Mel. I catch you. Or Ed or Larry. It is funny when you do a gay example and the name you give.

Like you went right to Mel. Mel is so not the name I'd go to. Maybe. Shows that we're all a little gay. Carl? Carl's a strong name. Carl's a good name. I hear you, though. And I think the same goes for us. They don't want us coming to bed in fucking pigtails and a lederhosen. Whoa. Unless it's Oktoberfest season. Yeah, I guess so. Hey, there's old Mel.

There's your girlfriend right there. But have you had that where your wife comes to bed with track pants on and you're just like disgusted? See, I'd rather wear track pants to bed than to church. But what about bed? Don't you want her to come to bed raw? She can wear a tuxedo as long as I'm plowing her. Tuxedo? I don't give a shit what she's wearing to bed. You want to fuck Sinatra? But don't you get turned off if she's not wearing something sexy? No, I can see through it.

Dude, come on. Well, I'm not saying I want to get married where she's in a sweat pant and a wife beater. Lingerie does nothing for me. What? I like lingerie. It's almost like hack, I feel like. Oh, bro. Yeah, I don't need it. I don't need it, yeah. From afar.

So you're dating an Arab girl? I was waiting for it. But what about girls... That would get rid of the wet hair. There you go. That's true. No track pants, just burka. What about a girl sucking down oysters? That's a pep piece.

Really? Like I can't go on a date and some girl like pulls up a shell and sucks down sea mucus and then I'm going to kiss that mouth. Well, you don't think that means she might suck down other stuff? I don't want to watch that. Oysters look like they're all brown and green. They look like Shrek pinched a loaf on a shell, you know?

Come on. You don't like oysters? I've never had one, and I don't want to kiss a girl who's just had like eight of them and suck it. The way they eat them, it's not like you're dainty with a knife and fork. You're like sucking them off like a cement mixer that just ran through Stephen King's backyard barbecue. Yeah.

What the hell? Can we get some adjectives? Look at that. Well, the guy who brings in Mountain Dew is not going to be a fan of fine seafood cuisine, I'll tell you that. Well, if you could shoot a girl after eating oysters, that's a different proposal. But what, you don't mind a girl sucking an oyster? I like an oyster. I love an oyster. I grew up on it. But I mean a girl doing it. Would you kiss her after that? Yeah, I'd kiss a girl if she blew me.

Yeah. Whoa, guy. You would? I have. He's kissed a guy after he bought it. What in the name of Galapagos Tortoise Thunder Juice? Are you one of these guys? I think that's Cameron's liquid. Are you one of these guys who makes the gal brush the teeth after? I say what? I say which? I say what? Hey, hey now?

I think he had a stroke. Well, I got a canoe in the car. Wait, what did you say? Are you one of these? Some of the, I do a guy in college, he got blown and she was like trying to make out with him. He's like, oh, you got to brush your teeth first. I ain't no gay. Oh,

Oh, wow. Well, you just don't really kiss with a girl after that moment happens. You go to sleep. Ah, well, if she wants to get plowed. Well, you can do that without kissing. I guess so. Yeah. All right. Some gals like a smooch. Yeah, but they're not going to get it, are they? I guess not, you prude.

All right. The oyster peeve is a weird one. I'm with you on the one. I'm fine. Well, what's a food that you're out on a hot date, some chick stuffs something in her mouth, and you don't want to kiss it? What is it? Another guy's penis? No.

Where are you going on a date? Mel's house? Oh, man. You've never been to the Glory Hole? It's a great bar here. Mel's Diner. Great oysters. Yeah, that's right. All right. A lady could wolf down most things, and I would still. There's nothing. What about breath? Bad breath. That's a tough one. You ever date a hot model, and they do that thing where they go on fasts?

And then their insides start to eat their insides alive. And so now their breath smells like the carrion of a dead caribou from the side of an old Eskimo hunting trail or something. It's just like rotted meat, stink. Because they're literally eating because their stomachs, their enzymes are consuming their innards because there's no food coming in. Right. So they want to be skinny, but they don't realize they're...

breath smells like the abominable snowman just ate a fucking corn on the cob at the back of a co-acampground outhouse.

I just want to let you go. See what else comes out of that soup cooler of yours. Jumping Jeremiah Johnson in a jiggly bag of jumbo juice. Well, luckily there's a thing called a mint. You can pop that puppy in there. Yeah, but you want to, in the middle of coitus, you're going to say, hey, pop a Mrs. Butterworth's or whatever they're called. Well, you ever had a smelly box? Oh.

We've talked about this. I feel like we're retreading a lot of things here. Mad breath. I've never made out with my UPS driver. Thanks for asking. I'm a porch pirate. I'll go down there. But wait a minute. What? You drink Diet Mountain Dew. I diet. Regular. You drink Mountain Dew IPA and eat pizza crust for dinner. You must have something going on in here.

Yeah, heaven. Hello. You must be kicking up to the esophagus. No, it's only when you starve yourself that your inner stomach and all your muscles and everything starts consuming because they have nothing to feed off. So, you know, when people get lost, your body starts eating the fat, right? Right, I get it. So when you're a model and you don't eat for nine days and you're purging in between...

You're starting to... Your own body's eating itself, and then you smell like Luke Skywalker just took a Dutch steamer in the back of an IHOP, and the janitor swirled it around with his dirty, greasy mop! Woo!

Boy, you at the old folks home is going to be quite a sight. It's going to be good. Can't wait for that. All right, well, shit. Now, who are these models you're plowing? Well, the same ones you did. Oh, no. No, I mean, just, you know, during your life, you'll date a few models, right? Did you ever date models?

Plus size model? Oh, yeah. Well, they don't have any problem eating themselves alive. Oh, no. God, it's the opposite. Like a donut. Yeah, you make out with them, it smells like a 24-hour Golden Corral buffet in your face. Oh, yeah. It's like the Keebler Elf tree. Good Lord. Yeah.

I got a good lord. You've been ranting on about who knows what. Yeah, that's true. What about outards? You never hear about outards. What's that? This. The outside. There's outards. What about it? Just say you don't hear about outards.

What do you mean? Well, you hear about innards all the time. Innards. The innards. You don't really hear about outards. Well, give me an example of an outer. This is an outer. Oh, like your outer body. Yeah. What about it? Well, no one calls it an outard. Oh, they do to the belly button. Outie. Outie. Great car. Indian outie. Yeah. By the way, I saw a homeless guy today so drunk.

He was bent over a log trying to shit out of his belly button. He was so drunk he forgot which was which. Unbelievable. You got to write fables, I think. That would really be something. Children's books. I see. I haven't. Actually, I've written children's books. Yeah? Oh, really? I got nine of them. Pull them up. Oh, here we go. Oh.

What are they called? I was looking for your dating history. I couldn't find it. Oh. But I did just find out that your cousin is in Barenaked Ladies. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they're good. That's my deep research for the day. He's never been in a Barenaked Lady. Not if she's in sweats. Yeah. Damn, those sweats. Unbelievable. Or track pants. Track pants. You don't call them that here? Track pants to me are like athletic-y, parachute-y pants. Oh. When I grew up, they were just like.

Sweats. Yeah, sweats. Track pants. I'm with you. I prefer like up to here, like, you know. That's nice. Dressed down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if it's cold? Well, you're getting under the sheets. So you keep them warm, right? Now you're in the clan. Whoa, lemon juice from Larry's hideaway. Yeah.

Mark, do you have any peeves left over? I got a couple. How about this peeve? You missed some gold earlier before you showed up. We rocked a few. But I got one in the chamber for you there, HW. Okay. Do we need some toilet paper? You might after that IPA.

You know when you're purchasing something with a credit card online and you put the credit card number, you put the date, you put the secret code on the back, and then they go, what country? You know, you go New York, New York, country. And they put United States under the U. So I'm scrolling for half an hour. All the way. Sudan, Tunisia, Turkey. I'm like, just put America. Put America. Get us up top. But what if people perceive it as South America? Ah.

Or North America, because there's several Americas. Good point. So they have to do United States of America. Can we do a little geo-tracking? We have the technology to put a credit card through the internet. How about the technology to know I'm in the U.S. and then put that on top? I'm with you. You just got to type U. You just got to open it and type U, and you're good. Oh, really? Because I do the same thing. I go all the way to... And sometimes you're in a rush. Yeah.

Because you get one of those things. This transaction will expire in two minutes. And you're like, I got to get this flight to Dubai to the Carmel Corn Festival or whatever you do. I got to get this assault rifle to the West Village. There you go. It's ping pong time. Yeah. So that's a peeve is that scroll. Yeah. I'm with you on that one. Thank you. Scrolling can go to hell. Well, you're Canada sometimes. So you got a little C. C is pretty high up.

Yeah, but I mean, we're referencing the United States specifically, and I'm with you, guy. Thank you, sir. Are you on the road right now, Harlan? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I'm touring. I'm going to be in Vegas. Hell yeah. There it is, yeah. I'm going up to St. Catharines, Canada. I'm going to be in Vegas. Nice. Phoenix, the Comedy Festival in Pittsburgh. Ooh.

Yeah. All right. That's a hot photo there. That guy's fucked a few models. Yeah. There you go. That was at skank fest last summer. Oh, wow. You look thrilled about those crowds. Yeah. Yeah. Three or four people there. HarlanWilliams.com. HarlanWilliams.com. That's right. And then, uh,

And the new movie? The new movie, Wingman. We don't know when it'll be out, so I appreciate you letting me talk about it. It was fun. Of course. Wingman. And you have a pod, too, right? Podcast, the Harlan Highway podcast. Killer pod. You were just on it. Had a blast. It came out this morning, actually. Oh, so did we. Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

And you've got to come on it when you're in Los Angeles. Just to see the house alone is worth doing it, but it's a great pod. Yeah, we had a ride. Thanks again for doing it, man. I'm glad. I'm honored. It was a royal blast. And that producer you got is a real...

Yeah, yeah. She's great. So the podcast is a ton of fun. And yeah, check it out. Hell yeah. Love Harlan. Check out Harlan Killed Tony, by the way, if you haven't seen it. It's one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Oh, thanks, man. Killed it. Oh, thanks. Yeah, there's a new one coming out with me in like two or three weeks, I think. Oh, great. We did it live at the Forum in LA. Whoa.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. Me and David Lucas have a pretty wicked roast battle in the upcoming one. You don't start a race war. Yeah. Although he's never had a race. He doesn't even have track pants. There's some mark dates here. All right. And check these out on punchup.live slash MarkNorman.

And mine are punchup.live slash sam or I'll follow us on Punch-Up, guys. Yeah, I don't know when this comes out, so I'm scared to say some dates. Do 614. 614. I'm in Philadelphia, the Miller Theater, then Hampton Bay, New York. That's the Hamptons. Red Bank, New Jersey, Poughkeepsie, Englewood, West Palm, Fort Myers, New Haven, Boston. Wow. All kinds of stuff. All right. Pittsburgh, Spokane. Baton Rouge.

Way to go, dude. Home state. And what do you got there, Sammy Davis? We got Atlantic City with Chris DiStefano. We're doing that together. Rochester, New York, Miami, Baltimore area. Then we got a Euro tour, London, Belfast, Dublin, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm, punchup.live.com. Bodega Cat should be legal by now. Should be at the Comedy Cellar. We love you for drinking this shit.

Should be at a ton of venues in New York right now. What is it, whiskey? It's our whiskey, yeah. The rye. How long have you been making that? It's been a couple years now. Wow.

Oh, that's good. Where do they brew it? In Jersey. Indiana. Wow. Wicked. It sells out of Jersey, I think. Yeah, that's where all the bottles are. What's it called? Bodega Cat. Wow. So it's kind of like all these guys doing their own tequila, but you're doing whiskey. Exactly. Oh, cool. We zig, we zag. Wow.

Well, thanks for listening, guys. Harlan, check out his podcast. See Harlan on the road. Thank you for listening. See you next week. Hell yeah, comedy. Thanks, guys.