Ep 183: Chris Distefano and Joe DeRosa 01:55:29

Are we on the air? Oh, shit. Are we? Are we shit-talking DeRosa's sandwiches on the air? Well... Well, they made them the way he eats. Yes. I mean, do you want to look like this? Come to our sandwich shop. Ha ha.

Are you in a Coke-fueled bender? You'll love this. It's got cottage cheese on it. Cottage cheese. There's all kinds of wacky shit on there. Is it really cottage cheese? No, but it's like voodoo donuts, you know, where they put a miscarriage on there and they call it a delicacy.

Oh, it's got placenta and afterbirth. Salty and sweet. The placenta's salty. There you go. If you put it with some sprinkles, it's not bad. The kid is sweet. Or he was. Oh, boy. Tough opening. Well, in L.A., apparently they drink placenta. Really? It's good for you. They got bone broth, placenta. Bone broth I get. Is that good? Well, when you're sick, you don't have broth. Never had it.

There's a place that I just order when I'm sick. You just chug broth. I don't know. It feels good. Damn. I mean, talk about shit coming back. That's like medieval. Yeah. Drinking broth, brine. Everything comes back. Everything comes back. See, I have a friend. He's like, I have to eat 280 pounds of like, not 280 pounds, but like 280 grams or whatever of ground meat every day. Wow. I'm 280 pounds. He's like a health nut.

I'm like, I don't know if that's healthy. I don't know. Yesterday, Mark told me, he's like, I'm not feeling so good. I was like, what's up? He's like, I drank salt water this morning. I was like, that's poison. I saw a YouTube video. Some guy said, have a spoonful of Himalayan sea salt in your water every morning. It'll even out your vitals. Who is this guy? I don't know. Some quack on the internet. And I felt like I was drowning in the ocean all day. I was like, oh, salty. My tongue hurt. My teeth were crunching. Salt. It was bad.

And putting it down is not easy. You subscribe to this guy, he's like a little cayenne pepper in your butthole. Wakes you up in the morning. That's the move. Dude, it really, I know you mean though, I follow this shit too. We're all searching for answers. Speaking of, look at this slut with the blowjob spit going over here. Oh my god. Lord.

Get on the video. If you're not watching the video, folks, if you're doing audio, you're missing out on some primo porno. This is because I was eating a sandwich next to her. I gave her some tortilla. That's true. I gave her some wrap. I'm going to give her an OnlyFans. Winnie's feet. Crotchless panties.

What is that, a dong coming out there? Oh, that's a foot. It's a shirt. It's a little shirt. It says, listen up, fives. The 10 is talking. Yes. The badass. I like it. So we're just talking about a friend of ours who has terrible breath, and we can't. It's hard to tell. Because you brought up, like there's a thing that helps. How do you bring that up with someone?

I don't know. I think you're really doing him a favor. If your zipper's open, you want to know. It's like, hey, I've been noticing a bad breath. Try this product. It really works. Yeah, but his zipper hasn't been open for eight years. That's the difference. This guy said bad breath. I remember we did a roast once. Remember we did that roast? Yes, yes. And every roast comic did a joke about this one guy who was like, what, did someone shit in your mouth? That was like the punchline of every joke. Yeah, what died in there? And he was like, I had no idea. Oh, man.

That's a weird way to find out. Well, it went from a roast to an intervention about his halitosis. His mom was there. But no, dude, it

There's something about it. It is hard to say to people, especially if you're not super close. Yeah. He's like a friend, but he's not like... If it was Norman, I could be like, hey, your breath is bad. Right. Yeah. And it's not a one-off either. You can say, hey, your breath's bad. Here's some gum. Case closed. This is like year after year, every single time I see him, it's death. Kind of a good looking guy too. I know. He's tall, full head of hair, smart as a whip. We keep giving away hints. I'm going to try and demonetize this real quick.

So have you ever dated a girl with a vagina that had like a scent or an odor? Sure, sure. Like an odor you didn't like? Never dated someone, but it's happened, yeah. And you wouldn't mention it? If it's a one-off, you don't mention it. But if it's someone you're dating, would you mention it? Well, what do you do? Put a mint in there? We need vagina mints. We got a shark tank. You think the mouth conversation is hard. Ha, ha, ha.

Excuse me, let me just put this in here real quick. Well, I think you put it in with your mouth and you're like, oh, I heard this feels good. Icy fresh. The darkest dentine commercial yet. Shark stank. Shark stank. Shark stank. I love it. Yeah, it did happen to me once where I was like, jeez, because you think it's something else at first. You know what I mean? You're like, well, surely like I left out milk or something. Oh.

This is dark. Well, yeah, yeah. The veg, you know they have pheromones and like you pick up pheromones. I hooked up with a girl in Philadelphia. She was half Asian. She had a mohawk. And hey, speaking of stinky pussy, hold on. What's shaking? I'm surprised, baby. How you doing? Good to see you. Hey, what's up, little pig?

Yes, Winnie. Winnie. Winnie the Pooh. No pants on. Whoa. Look at you. All right.

That was a poem right there. She started a new... Yeah. We were just talking about when you go down there and it smells worse than you think. Yeah, there's been a couple of times where I have went down and then I've come right back up. Whoa. You kind of just do it and then you just start... Like you're underwater. ...kissing your belly button a little bit. Exactly. Like, have you ever seen videos and pictures of rhinos with kind of half their nose out of water and it's kind of like that where you're kind of up there doing it? But I...

I didn't eat pussy for the longest time, but now I'm back. What happened? I was constantly getting sore throats. Every time I did it, I would get a sore throat, but then I just powered through. The old Michael Douglas. The old Michael Douglas. Now I'm eating pussy and ass. I'm back. Hey! Michael Douglas was complaining about the throat cancer. He was getting some top shelf throat cancer. Yeah, dude. Catherine Zeta. That's good throat cancer. Absolutely. I want to eat Salacuse's pussy. You like that, Skipper? Yeah, dude. I like that.

This was a real riskless outfit, Salacuse. How do you get away with this? You're dressed like a little boy. You should have a lunch bucket or something. Yeah, dude. I feel like if I put a camera in my daughter's preschool right now, there's a kid that looks just like you sitting there eating his boogers. Yeah.

You look like you're trying to impress a kid after school. Oh, yeah. Hang out. Oh, yeah. You got a slingshot in that back pocket. That's it, baby. It is my kid's birthday today. Oh. Happy birthday. And your gift to him was you coming out as gay. You look like you came here on a paper boat. Yes. Along the curve. Oh, my God. I want to drown you in a bathtub. All right. So...

You look like the guy they sodomize on the rugby team. Yeah. There you go. Piss yellow sweater. Yeah, the hat on. Gilligan's Island hat. You look like a guy like the doctor just told you you have cancer. So you're like, I'm going to live my life to the fullest. And you just look like an ass. I'm going to be me. That would be the guy on the Guess Who that I fold down immediately. Oh, my God. Winnie. Jesus. That's a good reference. Love you, Winnie.

Let's not drink until our other guest gets here because he's an alcoholic. Now, are these from Joey Rose's? Oh, you better believe it. My man.

Good for you. One of them has peanut butter on it. They're tough. Peanut butter, frosted flakes, potatoes. I know. I've been trying to go high protein. You look great. I've been fucking pumping creatine, baby. Really? Yeah. Does that have any bad effects? So according to the newest research, creatine, no, it's good for your brain and that they think it's the safest supplement out there. According to the research told to me by Joe Rogan.

Well, I got you to eat pussy again. Hey, yeah, we're back, baby. Yeah, wait, you dipped out on pussy for a while. This is interesting. Well, I didn't dip out on it. It's just every time I would do it, I would get a sore throat. And then what I discovered was it wasn't necessarily the eating pussy. It was just I was out there being single, and I was kind of – you eat five pussies a week.

Somebody's going to have something. You're going to get sick. But when you stay with one pussy, as I am right now, it's a beautiful thing. And, you know, it's nice and clean down there, dude. Five pussies a week. Five a week? That's like a Muslim. Yeah, I know. It's like a Josh Hartnett movie in the 90s.

I was going down there, man. I was going wild. Where's your old bartender? He got throat cancer. Oh, did he? I ate her pussy. How about bad breath? We were just talking about that. Where do you stand on when someone has really bad breath? Do you say something? So interesting you bring this up. Bad, bad. Three days ago, and I'm actually going to bring this up to you, and I want you guys to be honest with me. Three days ago, my girl, you know, I've been with for 10 years, was like,

Sometimes you have bad breath and I can smell it from like across the table. Oh, and I was like, well, I've been eating five pussies a week. I know. What do you expect? Five pussies a week for one day and you'll be blah. Yeah. And you go. And so she and then so I went on this like I went I texted like 10 of my friends like I was like, has there ever been a time where you've smelt my breath and

and I didn't know about it. Because the last thing you want to be is the guy that has smelly breath, but is just confidently talking and doesn't know. And the only person who goes, he goes, you know, James Madden, you know, I go on the road with all the time. I go, tell me the truth. Do I ever have bad breath? And he goes, no. And then I, and he goes, wait, maybe once or twice. And I was like,

what the fuck, dude? Tell me the truth. He goes, there was one time I remember it smelled pretty bad. And then I was like, oh my God. And then I, but then, but that's the only one. And then that was, that was when I was single on the road. So I was, I probably just had eaten this fresh chlamydia puss. But I do worry now that she just came out and she was like, I think you should go to the doctor. I think your tooth is rotting or it's coming from your stomach. Whoa,

And I was like, Jesus Christ, lady. I think it's the stomach because you can take a pill and it fucks with something in here. Do you guys think you have bad breath? We know a guy. Eight years, every day, shit breath. Yeah. So we're going to have to tell him. Is he known in the business too? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He writes on a big show. Don't stop giving hints. He writes on Kimmy Schmidt. Oh, yeah. Ari Shaffir. Yeah.

Well, he would smell his own. Yeah. No, it's interesting. I'm trying. There's one guy that goes to the gym that's always got hot breath, but obviously he's on steroids. I wouldn't say anything to him, but I don't know that I would tell. I wouldn't tell someone they have bad breath and I wouldn't tell someone they had food in their teeth. I know that people say that I'm just not that friend. I'll.

be positive with you in other ways, but I don't want to embarrass you. Well, it depends on the friend because some guys you go, hey, man, hey, and he goes, oh, thank you. And then some guys are like, fuck you. I'm like, I was trying to help. Don't take it personally. That's a weird type of dude to snap when you got a thing hanging out of your teeth. I know. Or a booger. I'm always very paranoid about it because I eat

a lot of like everything bagels. Yeah. Oh, onion, garlic. Well, not just that, but this, you get seeds in your teeth. One time I was getting, one time I was getting, again, these are all my single days when I was, you know, about when I was five pussy a day, Chrissy, I, I, I five pussy a week, Chrissy, I was getting a blowjob from a girl smoke show, but,

she had a huge booger like in the sex act that like was hanging out of her nose and she was like looking up at me like all sexy whatever but like this booger was hanging I was getting softer and softer and she was like and then she like got off and she was like really you're getting soft I was like no it's not it's not that I'm just like trying to get into it I'm nervous I was like I'm cheating on my family and

And I was just like making up excuses. And then she like, you know, like just stopped and like it got awkward. But then we like went to like go eat. She was like, whatever. It's fine. We went to go eat. But she still had this booger. And I'm like, I couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything. And I couldn't really see past it. And now she's been, you know, like she's –

I don't know. Well, she lives in another country. But every time I see her on social media, she looks beautiful. But I can only think about that booger. And I can't. I'm fully disconnected from her. That's tough. That is tough. I know what you mean, though. My friend, we went out to eat once to this soul food place. And the lady had a wart with 38 hairs coming out of it. And it was wild. Right on the chin. And he wouldn't eat there. He's like, I cannot eat here. I'm like...

It's the best food in town. And he's like, I saw the award. I got to go. Best pizzeria in Brooklyn for a while. It's closed now. It was out in Bay Ridge when I was living out there. Unbelievable pizza. The waitress had one arm. Couldn't eat there. Now we're reaching. No, no, no. She's not. But here's the reason why. How do you toss it? Here's the reason why. She had the nub, which is fine. People have, but,

one day she was serving us the pizza and we got we got like a type of pizza with regatta on it and there was regatta on the nub when she served it so I couldn't every time I would see her I would just think about her regatta nub and I couldn't eat there lick it off dude you're eating chlamydia vagina lick it off I know dude well that's too close to sucking a dick I know it's a nub with white shit on the end and I used to eat her pussy all the time

It is such a first, you know, your life is going amazing. It's such a first world complaint. I got a blowjob. Well, you could have probably looked away and been fine. Yeah, but I know what you mean. It's just, you know what it is. Here's it's good things. And this is like one of the things with having kids helps.

because when you have a child or go through like childbirth, the things you see coming out of like a human vagina is nuts. Rubik's cube, all kinds of stuff. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, like, dude, after my girl gave birth, her pussy looked like Winnie's face. It was.

Truly one tooth. Yeah. Fucking clit hanging out. And so, and so, but that, but then like when you have daughters too, I have daughters, it's like, you know, you don't realize like, you know, when you're like bathing them, clean it, like, you know, the shit and piss you got to clean out of like vaginas and stuff. So it's like,

I now kind of look at all that stuff like way fucking different. So I think now that I'm dad and been a little bit more mature, if somebody had a booger, I'd be able to just fucking power through and blow on off her schnoz. Oh,

Blowjob. Yeah, that's tough. The booger, I would push through on the booger. That wouldn't bother me. But it was a green, it was like a, it was right here. Like hanging out. A Mucinex commercial. Yeah. Right. Can we even say this shit on YouTube? Are we even on? No, no. We're waiting for DeRosa, right? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Don't give it away. Oh, sorry. They know. No, I knew Joe was coming. Was that supposed to be a surprise? Oh, does he not know he's here? No, everyone knows. No, DeRozan texted me today. I thought it was a big secret. No, DeRozan. You're hard to schedule, everyone. Dude, if you want to have a fucking secret one, bring in Giannis. Ah!

Oh, you guys are cool though, right? I mean, you know, what are you going to do? I would do a hyenas again. Hell yeah. I would do it again. I don't care. That was a fun pod. I love talking about history. Yeah. And I talk about it now. I have a Christory show, but it's just, I'm alone. You know, tidbit of what? Oh,

Nice fun. OK, got an episode coming out. We're going to record it tomorrow. But about President James Buchanan, President James Buchanan, who was the president before Abraham Lincoln. OK. And he's actually the guy Buchanan's policies are actually the reason why Lincoln inherited, you know, a civil war erupting. But the interesting thing about James Buchanan is, is it was a known policy.

fact it wasn't a secret it wasn't hearsay it was a fact of facts that he was openly gay and that his his you know not husband but partner gay partner they used to call him Aunt Nancy everyone called him Aunt Nancy and

James Buchanan was known as Aunt Nancy. He did not have a first lady. It was this senator. I forgot the senator's name, who was a, I'm sorry, congressman from the South, who James Buchanan, because it was his, basically they were gay having sex. Sure. James Buchanan gave this governor of a southern state all this power, which led to the power dynamic shifting in the Civil War and all that stuff. Yeah, so this guy, James Buchanan, was America's first gay president and-

Also, back then, you know, sometimes we think we're in the most progressive part of history today, but it's not true. And this was the 1850s. The American public did not care at all about your sexuality or your private life. That would mean no slaves, though. Right. That's true. But they didn't care about your sexuality, like in as far as voting. Right. Yeah. Right. Kind of a black. You couldn't be gay and black.

There you go. One or the other. But that's a – Wow, that's great. I mean, you think with 50 – what is it, 54 presidents? Yeah. One would have to be gay by statistics. James Buchanan, suppose – you know, it's – Lincoln had a guy too, right? Well, they – so the Lincoln gay rumors kind of stem from this guy. Oh.

They kind of stem from him because everybody was like, oh, Buchanan's gay. And then when Lincoln won, they were like, oh, I guess he's gay, too, type thing. They just thought all the presidents, kind of like when Obama was president, like, I guess they're all black now. That's what it was with James Buchanan. Like the commercials. This should be Lin-Manuel Miranda's next musical. Yes, yes. Gabe Buchanan. On Broadway. James Bukacki.

Oh, wow. Well, Lincoln could have been gay. He was at the theater a lot. He was. That's a joke of my special. Oh, is that? Oh, yeah. You heard that one. No, I mean, it's a silly joke. No, it's fucking fun. You watching Manhunt? No, what's Manhunt? It's on Apple. Norman turned me on to it. You would love it. Manhunt? No, tell me. It's about John Wilkes Booth getting away and them tracking him. Whoa. It's great. It's on Apple. Who's in it?

Nobody big that I don't think you would know, but it's well done. It's realistic. And I heard also on Apple, Benjamin Franklin, the Franklin documentary with Michael Douglas, the king of the pussies. Supposedly, my mom said it's excellent. She's a big hit. I'm into history because of my mom. Like my mom, being a divorced mom, she couldn't drive. So what we would do is, I mean, she could have been divorced and got a license, but she just didn't. She didn't drive. So what we would do is to take...

you know, to take me away to summer places. She would take me to like Boston. We'd go to the Freedom Trail. We'd go to Philadelphia. We'd go to D.C. And it was all history stuff. So she says that this Franklin show on Apple TV is the most accurate depiction of the real Benjamin Franklin. Because the bottom line is Benjamin Franklin. I mean, none of these people were good fathers. I mean, Benjamin Franklin saw his kids and like his kids were like, you know, 35 when he died. He saw one of his sons like 15 times his whole life. He was just in France getting puss. He was a poonhound. Oh, my God.

So they say, here's another fun fact, they say that even the one of King Louis XVI, that was the king at the time of the Revolutionary War, one of his mistresses was

would fuck Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin, because Benjamin Franklin was a huge celebrity. It wasn't like he was one of those guys that's like famous. He was famous back then. He was like Elon Musk back then. Everybody knew everybody and he was anti-vax. He had a famous quote, early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. And he invented a ton of shit. Benjamin Franklin. The almanac, the Bible, the electricity. And he said, and he said, house guests, house guests are like fish. After three days, they begin to stink. Yeah. And,

It's a good one. It's a good one. Bangers. But anyway, they said... That's such a true... That's like a stand-up comic type line. So he would... Well, he wrote comedy. He would write all this comedy. He has all these little quips. But he was banging one of Louis XVI's main mistresses. And when he was banging her, he told her...

to tell Louis XVI that America's, we're really turning the tide and we're this close to beating the British because there was obviously no cameras, you had to take people's word for it and we weren't. The United States was getting destroyed by the British but Louis XVI believed this woman because of sex and the next thing you know, a week later, signs, sends the whole French army and then that's how we won independence. Wow.

Good stuff. Yeah, dude. Because you make it fun and palatable. It's not boring and mystery. True. He was good at fucking? Huh? You think Franklin was good at fucking? I think he had to be good. He was not a handsome man. No. No, no, no. They say he wasn't good. But he was like a rock star, like a science rock star. Hell yeah. So. Do you think Neil deGrasse Tyson gets a lot of pussy? Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Uranus. Yeah, I think I think Degrass Tyson gets a lot of pussy. I mean, I think women respond to the biggest things are humor and intelligence. They don't care if you look good or not. We work out for each other. I'm working out. So other guys tell me I look good. Women look great, buddy. Thank you.

Women don't give a fuck at all. Look, college wrestler. Oh, my God. I think they care a little bit. You can't be a fat piece of shit. You know, like you can't feel like movie stars get laid. Yes, but it's because of their pal, because of their like the celebrity. I don't think that a woman cares as much if a guy is in shape or out of shape as much as a guy cares about a woman. Paul Giamatti's dick is wet right now. I 100 percent, dude. And he played Adams. He could play a good Franklin Giamatti.

Yeah, he could have. Yeah. Yeah, he would have been good. Yeah, look at this guy. Come on. That's Billy Grass Tyson. That's like Shaft. All right, here's a fun fact, not history. You're not going to believe this. I love a good fun fact. The lighter was invented before matches. How? I don't know.

Give it a goog. Give it a goog. But I heard that and it blew my tits off. Interesting. I love stuff like that. The lighter. It's like a Snapple fact. Yeah. Look at Giamatti's wife. Look at that. There you go. There you go. Yao Ming Park. That's it. Yeah. This actress. What's that show that he was on? Billions? Yes. This actress played his dominatrix on the show. And then they got together. And then they got together later. That's what I'm saying, dude. Wow. Good for him. A lot of downtime on those shoots. Yeah. Yeah.

He's tied up in bondage. He's like, so what do you do for fun? But yeah. All right. Check out that lighter fact. Dude, fucking Sal gets late. Look at Sal, dude. Sal's dressed like he's in fucking Newsies getting pussy. X-tree, X-tree.

All right. That's a good one. And then, you know, Romans, the ancient Romans invented dry cleaning. How nuts is that? Dry cleaning. They've been doing it for 2,000. The Asians are really appropriate to their culture. Yes.

The first lighter was invented in 1823 while the mattress created in 1826. Very interesting, my friend. Very interesting. So they had, I guess they had kind of, well, is it lighter fluid? I don't know what that is. I think it was flint. It was flint with a little chemical. I don't know. Who knows what. Good for lighters. Bad for water. Yeah. Very interesting.

Very, very bad for water. Yeah, so I love a good fun fact. But these history ones are great because you make it almost like a reality show. It's like drama. He's getting laid. That's the thing. History, like it's facts. Esty was talking about Chris Christries. Esty, baby, if you're watching.

Edit that. Well, the thing is with history, too, it's facts. It's all facts. But historians are telling you a story. They don't know for sure. They can just tell you what they take the facts and like, here's my version of what happened. I think what people do, too, is they go, oh, 18, whatever, boring. They're just like us. They're jealous. They're horny. Oh, my God. They're racist. They have all the same traits as Sam.

People don't change. It was just like different, different, you know, different countries are in charge, different leaders. They're wearing different garments, but it's the same reason. Human nature is still the same. And that's the thing too. Like when, like, you know, you know, being a history fan, like when you hear like people go on and on and on about like,

you know, like white people and this and that. It's like, no, no, no. You're talking about modern history. Like if there was a time where Spain, Spanish people were number one. Right. And they killed in pro... Whoever's got the fucking ball, that's who's going to do all the scoring. That's who's going to start killing people. I like to go to Black Lives Matter. Yes. So it doesn't be like, this is modern history. You don't understand. The Chinese... You don't understand. Dude, in the next hundred years, the Chinese are going to be the ones in charge and then they'll fucking kill everybody and rape everybody too. It's just...

It's got nothing to do with your race. It's just... Hopefully no rape, just a killing. Well, yeah, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, by then. Dude, I mean, no, you're right. I mean, and also you're talking about the ancient Romans. I mean, we talk about life expectancy. These guys are going to war every five fucking minutes. Dude, and then you think about culture, like when people go on and on and on sometimes at the...

seller about culture you're like dude if you've what is culture cult whatever culture you think is your culture your great great great great great great great grandmother would be rolling over in their grave if they knew you were wearing your hair like that because your culture got raped into you by whoever conquered you eons ago it's good so this whole thing is it's all one human culture none of this is real it's all divisions it's all it's all to divide

None of it is real. But then like you'll listen to somebody and you're like, yeah, you sound smart, but you also like are an idiot because you're not thinking about like we're just one human culture. But you're completely right. But that's part of human nature, too, is just to divide. Sure. Seize in the Romulans or whatever the fuck. What is it with the Don Cheadle movie?

Rwanda. Yes. They're both black. They're both poor. They're all fighting. Yeah, dude. Capulets and the Montagues. We just divide. Look at Ireland. Ireland up the rah. It's fucking the Palestinian. No. It's the same thing. What is it? Protestant and Catholic.

Yeah. You know, it's funny, too. Like, when you look back to those old times, not so much has really changed. No. I mean, you look at the Roman Coliseum. That's UFC. Yes. 100%. It's basically UFC. It's the same shit, bro. This guy, that's Dana White. And the same way that we are accepting, like, this is just my personal opinion. Like, we're accepting right now, you know, today's world of, like, UFC, eating meat, all these things. I still eat meat, but eating meat.

And we're like, this is fine. There's no problems. 300. The people of the future are going to look back and be like, remember those barbaric people? But those people that we think are barbaric, they didn't. They were thinking like us. They were doing their version of a podcast. You're sitting around talking. Let me run it by you because you just triggered a thought about this. Triggered. I mean, triggered in the old fashioned way. I'm upset. Sorry, I sounded like Jordan Carlos. No.

How are you? Miss you, Jordan. I used to see you around. Yeah, I miss you too. Dude, he's a fucking great yoga guy, Jordan. Oh, really? Great yoga guy. He's a great follow on Instagram. He's ripped. I love Jordan. Yeah. So...

I was watching a thing on Hitler and it said he was a vegetarian. I was like, I knew Hitler. It said he was an incest and sadomasochism and then it said he was also a vegetarian. And the joke is like, that bothered me more because I knew Hitler was evil, but I didn't know he was also annoying. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like he's at a steakhouse with everybody and he's like, you guys shouldn't eat those animals. They don't treat them well. Great. Like they treat them poorly. You know, that was the anger. They put them on trains. They bring them to these camps. They don't feed them. Yeah. I like it. Yeah.

He's annoying. He's annoying. What if it's kosher? Kosher meat. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

That's funny. Yeah. Well, what can you do? But you're right. You're right. It's all, you know, people go, Hitler, how could people follow him? People like DJs. Well, you got to put yourself, put yourself, exactly, dude. Hitler is my Diplo. Hitler is my Diplo. You got to put yourself in the shoes. Think about a World War I German. Think about a German in the 1920s. Think about this. I'm going to bring you there. We're in fucking Germany. It's 1920. We just got fucking our shit rocked.

By England, we have our currency. The value of a German franc was worth like, it was like $75,000. You know what I mean? Like they could buy a piece of bread in Germany. World War I Germany was like $75,000. It was impossible to live. So the complete because, what happened was, and this is bad. This is just fucking how people are though. We have egos. World War I, Germany lost. They got their shit rocked.

And instead of saying, you know what? You were bad boys. You know, instead of the United States, Britain saying you were bad boys, they said, and they were like, you know what? Let's just go back. Forget everything. You know, like they didn't. They said, now you're going to owe us war reparations. Not only are you fucking decimated as a country, but now you owe us the equivalent of like $50 billion when they had nothing, when the price of bread was $75,000. The economy went worse. So the economy keeps getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.

And then what happens is, is people are like, we have to sell our teeth to make necklaces to make money. My mother's a prostitute. Adolf Hitler comes out and says, you know what I want to do, guys? He doesn't mention anything about putting Jews in camp. None of that. You can't open with that. He comes out. You can't open with that. Good closer, though. Yes. Hell of a closer. He comes out and he says, how about this, guys? How about if I want to bring Germany back to its glory? The Third Reich? The Third Reich is...

we've had two rights. We've had, you know, the first German glory in the middle ages, the second German glory, even though we lost world or one, I want to bring us back to the third. We are the master race. What do you guys think of that? And the people have nothing. They're like, great. They're like, who do we blame? The Jews. So it's a simple thing. Most people didn't dislike Jews at all. They didn't. I'm glad that stopped and never came back. Yeah.

We love Jews. And then Hitler said, I'm going to clothe you in Hugo Boss. You're going to look fucking cool. BMWs. Same thing with World War I, too. People say, why did Japanese bomb us? Well, it started because in World War I, at this treaty, it's called the Treaty of Versailles, at this treaty, when they were divvying up the spoils of war with fucking Germany, you owe us all this money. Fuck you. Suck my ass.

Japan was on our side in World War I. Japan was not on the other side. They were on our side. It was Japan, the United States, China, Britain, France. So we say we'll give everybody, we'll give all the white country stuff. But Japan, you know, no, dude, you guys sit on the floor. We're not going to give you anything. Yeah.

And Japan was like, what? We helped. And they're like, did you really though? What did you do? So Japan got zero. So they were very angry for years and years and years. And then World War II. And then Japan, same, well, the same reason where the Germans start to kind of get this feeling of like, you know what? Fuck you. We're going to show you. We're going to build our tanks, build our war, you know, build our machines. Japan's doing the same thing. They're like, we're going to show the United States and Britain and these fucking white pieces of shit. Yeah.

that we matter too. So they start to invade China. They start to manifest destiny. They're like, you know what? Every Asian country is actually ours. So they had the Napoleon complex. They're like, you think we're a little island and we don't deserve anything? Well, now we're going to kill everybody. We're going to rape the babies, kill everybody. We're killing at will. And so the United States is like, that's a problem. But we don't want to join World War I because we're like, that's Europe's fight. I don't want to deal with fucking Hitler's nuts. I don't want to deal with this. So let's just stay here. We're protected by the oceans. Jesus Christ made the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to protect us.

The United States. He said, that's the main... That's why we are who we are. It's just the oceans. Really? Dude, if we were connected to Europe, we'd have the same problems they do. But we're...

You can't invade us. I never thought about that. It's 3,000 miles in any direction. That's huge. Well, the crazy thing, too, is I was just listening to a podcast of when General MacArthur, they had to retreat and he hid out in Australia. Yeah, dude. I mean, that's amazing that you could do that. Bro, if there's a nuclear war tomorrow in Europe, you know, which would affect the United States, the only safe place to be is Australia and New Zealand. And the only reason why is because they're too far away.

Right. Exactly. But, you know, he was like trying to he was like, I'm going to get people back up with like, exactly. You can't get that many people. No, you can't do it. So Japan. So Japan with Pearl Harbor, they said they were invading China going. They need oil. That's that was the thing at the time. You have nothing's fucking electric. Again, history doesn't repeat itself. No. A million fucking times.

So you need to get oil, more and more oil. And they say, you know what? And the United States was the one giving the oil. We were giving Japan the oil. But then when we saw what they were doing to the Chinese...

We were like we can't support this anymore. So we said stop embargo on the Japan's not getting any more US oil So Japan's like fuck we're fucked now. What are we gonna do? So that was an act of war to them and they said, you know What we think we'll do is we'll knock out their entire Navy in one swoop in Pearl Harbor They're like we're gonna kill it. We'll knock them out there But they fucked up because the three US aircraft carriers were in the middle of the ocean They got bad Intel Japanese did they fucking read it backwards?

Bad intel. And then they only knocked out two, and then we were able to rebuild our Navy and we destroyed them. Wow. But that's like – so that's why when people are like just so quick to be like these fucking Nazi – they all were pieces of shit and disgusting, but you have to – it didn't just happen out of nowhere. They weren't just –

I was literally about to quote this joke. But I got to say, I learned more about history. You're like Dan Carlin on 3X. That's it, baby. Yes, dude. I'm Dan Carlin on creatine. There's something so scary about the Japanese, too. Oh, yeah. Willing to suicide bomb.

Is this scary? Is this scary as shit? Dude, we didn't even need to nuke Japan. They were about to surrender. That's fun. No, it was. Twice. It was. Put him in the bento box. Three times a nukey. I don't know if you guys are students of history or not, but... I love the hand up. For those of you who aren't, Germany, in the previous century, in the early part...

They decide to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So good. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win? But it was actually close. I don't know how that would work. Then 30 years pass and Germany decides to go to war again. And once again, they choose as their foe

The world! And now... This time, they really almost win. So at this point, you would think the world would go, okay, Germany, you're fucking not a country anymore. All right? What the fuck? You're not a country because you keep going to war with the world. And...

no one does what do you think you're mars yeah so so simple and it was there for everybody for everybody the best jokes were like there for everybody to anyone could have grabbed that and he just perfect and you know the punchline you know he's gonna say the world and it's so funny because it's insane yeah sometimes just explaining how insane something is is a joke is the joke oh my god totally

Yeah, dude. Man, that was great, though. I learned a lot. I didn't know about the ocean thing. I love it. The Japan stuff. I think this is like a lane for you. I think you got to keep with this. And also, a rec, by the way, you ever listen to Lindsey Graham's podcast? Not the politician, the historian, Lindsey Graham. He's got one called American Scandal and one called 15 Minutes History, and he just breaks something down quickly. Yeah.

American Scandal will do things like Jonestown or, you know, it'll be a full season, like six episodes. Right, right. Jonestown, or it'll be like Ted Bundy, not Ted Bundy, Ted Kaczynski, rather. Maybe he did Ted Bundy, too, I don't know. But, in

Entire seasons on this shit. And they're really well done. High production volume. The only critique is there's so many fucking ads. I think there's probably a way to do it without ads. Right. I gotta look into it. They will. I was just listening to one he did on the history thing on Helen Keller. Ooh! And like, holy shit, man. Like, can you imagine just being Helen Keller? No. And actually making a life for yourself? But then...

This made me think of, first of all, the woman who taught her must have been the most patient woman in the fucking world. Because you're like, think about explaining the internet to your parents on the phone. Right. I'm like, mom, you got to Chromecast the phone. I'm like, all right, I give up. After like three minutes, this woman like taught her words. That's right. So it made me think of, you got to look up this South Park thing they did. Helen Keller, the musical. Oh.

Imagine being so retarded you're famous. Not retarded. Oh, I thought she was. No. She was deaf and blind. Oh, well, she sounded retarded. Yeah. Okay. Those titties ain't retarded. I'm sure he's worried about that bit. Yeah, it's like 30 seconds. Okay. 1800. 1800 Alabama.

What a great place and time. We're so happy that we live in 1800s Alabama, cause it's sunny and there is no crime. Now to the refrain. And in our little town of 1800s Alabama, there's a family by the name of... Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat.

No, it's the next one. Sorry, it's the next one. No, it's the water, Helen. Water. I didn't know she was Alabama. I didn't know she was from Alabama either. Not a great representative for Alabama. That's it, Helen. Water. Water. She did it. She did it. She did it. Water. And now that I can communicate, the world is not so cold and dark.

They're fucking amazing. I know. They're so good, the South Park guys, that they don't even get considered or nominated for comedy awards because they're above it. They would just win every year. They would win Best Animated Show, Comedy of the Year every year, but they haven't been even nominated because you're like, well, what's the point? It's like, obviously, everybody else.

They're too big. They crushed TV. They crushed movies. They crushed plays. Yeah, theaters. Can we talk about your show? Which one? The one you're making? I mean, yeah. I don't have a deal yet, but yeah, I've sold a show. Whoa! Yeah, baby. Sitcom. What?

Whoa! Yeah. In New York, motherfucker! Still going? Yeah. They still have sitcoms? Well, here's the interesting thing. Do you know which network is on you? No, right. Well, believe this part, it's Beats now. Wow! So I don't know. I should find out today. So it's interesting. Even Rogan, when I did Rogan last week when we were done, he was like, you know, he's like, I've been watching, because I told him about it off air, he was like, I've been watching sitcoms.

again with my family he's like I think like the world has gotten so crazy like the news is so heartbreaking and the internet that I'm not saying it'll be like it was but I think now is as good a time as any to put it just a family sitcom with no politics out there

Just put it out there. We try to avoid politics here, but I don't think people... I think it's everywhere. And I think you want to just fucking laugh. It affects every household, man. I mean, I got an eight-year-old and a two-year-old. One's pro-Israel, one's pro-Paris. And I can't... I'm taking them to protests on opposite sides of the city. I mean...

you're going to columbia yeah i've got to go uptown downtown i'm like your mother doesn't drive gotta go to barney greengrass yeah there's like some comfort if you watch like a like a everybody loves raymond yes or oh my god the office was the number one show on netflix for years just watch it man like you just because it's like you know and uh friends it's friends and and these network execs said they said uh when they bought it one of the networks was like um

They were like, you know, we're going to like try to like really like market these things again because they were like, you know, our exact quote, they go like our woke experiment didn't work. They said that they lost a lot of money. Well, look at the Comprady row. Roasts are back. Roasts are back, bro. That's still number one. Yeah. It's everywhere. So, yeah. Our woke experiment didn't work. We fired two people in wheelchairs. It just wasn't working. It wasn't working. It wasn't good. Yeah. So. No, it's true, though. I mean, it's like.

I think they get these like ideas in their head of what they need to do rather than like what they should just do. Yeah, dude. Also, you just want to be like, you're going to be an algorithm in two years anyway. Like, you're not going to be here. Let's just go funny. Let's just have a fun fucking. But I was going to say, it's also like, it's also like Everybody Loves Raymond and The Cosby Show. Like, they're still funny today. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not like, oh, it was only funny at that time. It's like, those jokes are timeless. So you can do that again. Yeah. It's just don't,

I think don't they're never if you watch those shows, they're never speaking about like the hot button political issue of the day. It's like if you're going to go out there and, you know, you're going to just like cram in, you know, a fucking anti trans character for it's like stupid. Like don't unless it's like natural to your story. Right. You know, which is my father's character. Who's playing your dad?

I want Billy Gardell from Mike and Molly. He's great. He's the guy that we're – and then I want to – in a perfect world, if you ask me perfect, perfect, perfect, I'd have Billy Gardell play my dad, Catherine O'Hara play my mom because my mom is very conservative, Irish Catholic. But then I have an aunt who's like off the wall, like straight up New York lady, kind of nuts, but like real fun. I want her to be played by Cyndi Lauper. What?

Cindy Lauper is awesome. She came in on an audition for my mom's character in 2016 when I had a CBS pilot that didn't go and she like blew us away. But we went with Annie Potts because Annie Potts was just like one of the best actresses of all time and was unbelievable. But we were like, oh, if we get an episode two, we're going to have her. We're going to have Cindy Lauper come in as my aunt. So now I'd like and then and then my, you know, girls, you know,

Puerto Rican in real life and in the show. I want her to be played by Melissa Fumero from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Oh, yeah. And then just her dad to be in the show as Luis Guzman. Oh.

But he told us he doesn't do sitcoms. Remember when we met? But we reached out after this and he was like, maybe, Papi, I come down from Vermont for you. Wow. He's so cool. He's cool, man. Because, you know, that's the thing is when we met him at that thing, it's like sometimes relationships matter. Like Joe Pesci said he wasn't going to act anymore. And then he came out and played Pete Davidson's dad. It's like, if you like it, you know. And I said, we're going to film it in New York. He was like, that's good for me.

Oh, there you go. Guess to go to see some sports, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sports, you know. Dude, if the Knicks, I hope the Knicks close it out game six, but game seven we're going. Yeah, Knicks won, baby. Hey! Louise Guzman, everybody. We got a lot of news. Hey, hey, we might be drunk. It's brought to you by Mando. Literally wearing it right now. There's a better way to make sure you don't stink. Mando's whole body deodorant's got you covered by lowering the skin's pH. It helps you keep odor free for longer.

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You've been losing. There you go. Sit down. Sam's dog, dude. That's what Joe's going to look like tomorrow. I thought St. Germain was sober. Yes. You're going with the hard-hitting questions. We're going to his birthday party at a bar. We've been here an hour. Why do you say that? You've been here an hour? Yeah. We've been waiting for it. Because we're going to his birthday party at a bar. He said 2. No, he said 2.45. Oh, I heard 2. No, he said 2.45. I'm just fucking with Joe. Yeah. Did it really start, though? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we're on. I thought it was at 2. That's why I was here at 2. Well, you said you couldn't get here until now, so we just started early. We're just fucking over here.

That's what my wife said. Yeah, what were you doing? You said, oh, I'm running. What do you do in the morning? You're like, oh, I'm out of breath. I got to go home and take a shower. I'm like, what do you have to go get fucking bread? What do you think? What do you think? Having kids is the only thing that makes anybody do anything? No, but I'm just saying, like, what do you got to do? Go fucking slice salami? What do you got to do? You want to come at me? You want to start? You're the one who came at me yesterday on stage at the cellar. Whoa.

You're good. On stage? What are you doing? Will Smith? He's fucking bombing. I'm trying new shit. Medium in the bar at the fucking Black Pack. I saved his goddamn set. That's the hardest place to do well at. True. I got up. I fucking exercised. I had to do stuff. Really? You exercised? Yeah. He's on tests now. What kind of exercise do you do? I do an upper body workout three days a week. Oh, my God. At Lucille Roberts? Oh.

What does that mean? Just shrug your shoulders over and over? It's been helping. I mean, I got to start slow, man. If I start doing some stupid meet a trainer three days a week, it's an hour, I'm never going to do it. So if I do like 15 minutes of stuff, I start seeing results. I'm going, oh, my arms are getting bigger. Oh, this is getting easier. Whatever. I'll start to add to it. I told you, just walk a little bit each day, dude.

Don't try to be nice now. I'm trying. What is he, 75 in Boca Raton? No, because he's got a park where he lives in Pennsylvania. So I said, get out on the trail, do two miles. And when you start moving, motivation comes along the way. I got a park where I live in New York, too. Yeah, but there's fucking junkies in it. That's true. You can run from them.

There are a lot of junkies out. It's bad. Dougal's wild. You try to stand outside the cellar for 10 minutes, it's 40 guys coming by. I was with my friend and some guy just started talking to us in the street and he was clearly crazy, but you got to give him a minute. And he was just kind of being weird, like, how are you guys? I was like, oh, I'm doing well, you? And then he goes, you guys are really pissing me off, man. Fuck you. And I'm just laughing as we're walking away. And my friend's like, what did we do? And I'm like...

You thought that was us? Yeah. He's holding a crack pipe. Dude, I've lived in New York my whole life. Now, even though people would say, oh, New York, so dangerous. I never had one altercation with a homeless person or mentally unwell. Not one time in 39 years. Three times in the past six months, I've gotten into altercations like that. One time about two months ago on McDougal Street, I had to push a homeless person everywhere.

out of because he was coming up into my space and he fell over a pile of garbage I swear to god don't you think it has something to do with the fact that it used to be probably booze or some other drugs and now it's some pharmaceutical shit that's 10 times worse that dude and the weed shops man the weed shops don't help

People start to lose their mind. I'm not anti-weed, but people overdo it, and then they start to go into a psychosis. The weed shops are an absolute fucking plight on the city. Yeah. Why? Well, they bring in a bad crowd, and they're ugly as shit. They're like neon and fucking green leaves everywhere. No, because it's what Chris is saying. The dosages are insane.

They are absolutely... The dosages are so high now you can literally overdose on weed. I have friends that have ended up in the hospital for three days because they ate so much fucking weed. That's terrifying. Literally, they overdosed from it. Damn. They're selling the shit to kids, to anybody that can fucking walk through the door. I don't think the distribution laws are in place yet. No. You can buy shrooms too there, by the way. Yeah, and everybody in the entire fucking dumb country we live in now thinks...

smoking weed is the same thing as smoking a cigarette they think like they think like you can just smoke weed while you drive or smoke weed before yes smoke weed in the middle of the doorway and it's not an obstruction it's not a hindrance everybody thinks it elevates them everybody think they're Bob fucking Marley everybody is a fucking moron and this country is already in a psychotic state and enhancing it with a literal psychedelic drug I don't give a fuck where it grows or how natural it is it's a fucking drug okay if

If I went to work and I said, let me just do a quick shot before we get started here. It's disgusting. Guys, let's have a drink. That was a hell of a run you had there, Andy Rooney. He's not wrong, Joe's not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm all worked up. It just cost $48 to go a mile and a half. This is Winnie's piss. It's called a bottle of Soju? Ooh.

This pairs well with a beefy from Joey Rose's. Right here, dude. To have the beefy is the best sandwich. I noticed that when I walked in. How cool is that? That's the tuna. It'll be good for the ulcer. It's probably the healthiest of all this. You got jelly beans on half of it. Yeah, out of all those. Well, the roast beef is we make it from scratch. So the roast beef actually might be

The literally most healthy of everything. I don't know. You're right about the weed, though. And we do this thing because it's medicinal now. Like people think it has this magical health effect. Same for me. I like this drink. This tastes like a caramel candy. No, no, let Chris have it. Too much cayenne. It tastes like I'm making out with a seven-year-old on Halloween. Hey, I'll take it then. Yeah, that's fucking...

No, it's good. I love the effort, though, Matt. It's too much for me, though, man. It's too much, yeah. Can I just have a bourbon on the rocks? Ha ha ha!

We'll do a bodega cat or like a fucking... I'm not a big rye guy, but I'm happy for you guys with this whiskey. Hey, thank you. We got it in the bar yet? I want to talk to you guys about that after the show today. That's a no. We want to do... Listen, we want to do a big bodega cat party with you guys, and we want to also get booze in the bar. Hell yeah. We'd love to. Which is the best one. And Paul, my... You know, Talia's my partner. He was like, tell them we want to get it at the stand, too. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right. We should be out by now, right? Yeah, I think so.

Hey, give it to the guest first, please. That's a bodega cat? Okay. You wanted bourbon? Yeah, bourbon. Just not scotch or rye, please. Thank you. You guys have tequila? I believe we do. I'll do a little tequila. What is a rosy? Make it two tequilas. Sorry, can I have a fresh glass? Because it's going to have the remnants of pecan walnuts here. I'm sorry, buddy. It was a good drink. Sorry, Matt. He walked out the door.

He got divorced over this drink. We just hear a gunshot. How's the sandwich? That's fucking great. The best. Oh, there you go. Joey Rose's, folks. Unreal. 174 Rivington. What do we got? Ham? That's mortadella. That was the one we sent to Rogan that he...

Did he poo-poo it? No, he loved it. You were there when he was talking about it. You were on the show. Oh, what's this one, Joe? The Amy. That's two kinds of salami. It's awesome. You don't like salami? I love the beefy. Yeah, do the beefy. Damn, that's good. That's really good, dude. Yeah, that's... We got to read Shears, though, when Joe gets a drink. That cayenne pepper... It's spicy, but I don't think it's bad. Spicy and like a margarita I can do, but spicy with whiskey, I'm not a fan, I don't think. Couldn't do a whole one. Sip is fine.

But the thing with the weed is when I, as you said, poo-poo it,

People are like, oh, well, it's like, dude, I'm not hating on it. It's like, go get fucked up. I don't care. Just stop acting like it's better than booze. It's not. They act like it's Adderall. Yeah. Adderall is also a whole other thing. I know. If you don't need it. You know what I mean? There are people that are not prescribed Adderall that take it. They're like, it helps me. I know. It's fucking speed. It's speed. All day. Just call it what it is, man. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a shortage. There's a Adderall shortage right now in America. Yeah, it's not a good sign.

I have a friend. He'll do an Adderall in the morning to wake up. Then he feels too high, so he takes a Xanax. Then he feels too low, and he'll take another Adderall. And I'm like, you can't live like this. That's insane. He's now in rehab. He's a drug addict. Yeah, he's a drug addict. That's insane. But people live like that. Everyone wants a pill. It's like Ozembic. You know. Yeah. It's one of those things. Did you really do it? Oh, I was joking. You didn't like it, though, right? Thank you, sir. No, it made me feel like shit. Make it a double.

It made me feel like shit. My cousin's a nurse, and she was like, of course it made you feel like shit. You're not fucking diabetic. She hot? No one's diabetic. Every girl's on it. What's the matter with you? Is your cousin hot? Nurses and teachers are always hot. I disagree. Have you heard his bit about it? Have you seen a nurse lately? They're in a Tweety Bird sweater with a fat cut.

I know, I know. They downvoted your restaurant. Did they really? Oh my God. I was shit talking Philadelphia 76ers fans on Twitter. And there were some guys leading a charge. Let's downvote his specials on IMDb. I'm like, you guys, what the fuck happened to sports? I know, right? Come punch me in the face. Yeah, I'd rather that. Give me a Buscemi.

No, it is too. With this weed stuff. And I get it. The government, the U.S. government has lied a lot. And there's a big thing that goes around now where they're like, oh, the government held – the government told us alcohol is better because they can make more money off alcohol. And people always point, oh, they can't make money off weed. And it's like –

That's true, but it's also because weed was illegal for so long because it does things like it fucks with your brain chemistry much more than alcohol does. And again, I'm not anti-weed. I smoke weed. I like to do edibles, but you're going to get down a bad, you know, people are starting to lose their minds. Oh, yeah. Plus the phones, plus the pharmaceuticals. Everybody's on all day. The Zoloft and the Ozembic. It never ends. That's good, right? That's good. What do you drink? What does Joe drink? Joe's back. That's your spinach.

Oh, that's a nice tequila. Yeah. No, by the way, the episode of Rogan where he complimented the sandwich was when you said, you guys are talking about how I'll do too many shots and go dark. And you go, but the Coke brings them back. Yeah. Not lying.

That's good. I've never done coke. You ever do it? I've never done it either. Never done it. You guys, you ever do it? A little coke. Sal, you ever do a little coke? Only Joe then. I've done it. What does it feel like?

What does it feel like? Awesome. But what does that mean, though? I'm being honest right now. In the mornings when I'm exhausted, right? You wake up early, whatever. I have a black coffee. I get positive endorphins and feel like a euphoria right away, and I'm ready to go. Is that Coke times 20? No. Well, here's the thing. I've never done it without booze.

I know people that do it without booze. Same. I can't imagine. Yeah, one of them's our manager. Yeah.

Now strike that. Sorry. No, no, no. Keep it in. Like you couldn't tell by the ponytail. Come on. We know. Keep it in. Sorry. Barry Katz? Our manager, Mitch Hedberg. I know people that will have – I know people that quit drinking and continue to do coke. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I did Adderall one time without booze. It works. It made me like... I was jittery. I was like, I don't like this. I have to sit down. Probably need a lower dosage. Right? But then... Well, I just did it because I wanted to see if it would... What Chris is saying. I was like, I want to see if it will give me like a better effect of coffee. It was too much. But here's the thing. When you combine cocaine and alcohol...

Not only does it even you out, you know, David Cross just did a big interview about this on, or not a big interview, but he talked about it on, I think it was Neil Brennan's podcast. Okay. And I completely agreed with him. He was like, Neil Brennan was like, how many times have you done coke? And he was like, hundreds. Yeah. He's like, what was your thing with it? Because Neil said he never did it. And he goes, it was never about the high of the coke. He goes, it was just a way to keep hanging out and drinking. Ah.

It's just like it props you back up and wakes you back up and now you can have a longer night and whatever. That's how I always looked at it. You could also mix in water. Huh? You could also have a water in between drinks and keep hanging out. What is this, the pussy show? What the fuck are we talking about? I'm just saying. They should. I'm going to downvote your special. What the fuck are you talking about? The pussy show. No.

That was earlier than Chris five times a day. But here's the other part. But these guys have money. Yeah, I get it. But here's the other part I'm getting at. There is a euphoric chemical reaction that happens when you mix cocaine and alcohol. There's actually a term for it. There's a term for the chemical reaction that happens. The DeRosa. Is it DeRosa? Yes.

It's harder to get laid if you're bringing a woman home. You're like, you want to do some smart water at my place? Yeah. But here's the thing. If you do it too frequently together, this is why a lot of true alcoholics are also cokeheads. If you do it too frequently together, your body cannot get pleasure from one or the other. Oh, no. So basically, if you do it too frequently together, eventually you'll get like a buzz from booze and your body will go.

Where's the other part, man? Like, where's the other part? It's not working. And then that's why we've all known guys that do like they can't have a drink without calling their fucking. Yeah. Yeah. So that's got to be very hard to break. It's got to be. It's got. I mean, I can only I can only imagine. But but and then also, too, they're drinking around the clock.

So the Coke keeps you standing up. Dennis Hopper talked about that. He used to do like three grams a day or something. Some crazy amount. He lived like a fucking psycho. Yeah. And he said, he goes, the Coke just kept me up. Oh, my Lord. He was like, just let me drink a case of beer and a handle of vodka, whatever the fuck he was drinking. He was so coked up at the Oscars. Like when Easy Rider broke, he was out of his mind, coked up talking shit to like the old guard of the movie makers. And he was like, you fucking pussies. Like we're taking over. And everyone was like, yeah.

Like, they weren't even mad. They were like, yeah, congratulations. Yeah. Wow. But he brought that energy of like, fuck you. We're fucking, we're partying. I kind of miss those coke-fueled rants and shit. Like, you'd see like the 80s and the 70s. There was a lot of coke. You see Scorsese on an interview. He's all jacked up. I miss that. Eh, but his wife didn't. He beat the shit out of her. Did he really? Oh, yeah. Scorsese used to beat his wife? No, Dennis Hopper. Oh, well, yeah, that's a given. I miss, I miss...

I mean, I can't say I miss because I didn't experience it, but... Prior to. Yeah, I miss like... You know what I mean. I am envious of that time because it's like, look, whether you're into drugs or not... By the way, can't wait for the comments. DeRosa rails on weed, but then is like talking about... I think we got to bring back violence, you know? Yes. Yeah, rock and roll. Ah!

Did that go in my drink? Is it edible? It's sugar, yeah. Oh, it's sugar. Did that one actually hurt? That one hurt a little. This shit gets in your fucking hair. We got curly hair. This shit stays. We do this to each other too much now. That was insane.

Yeah, look, his face is all red. You saw it coming? That one got, no, I didn't. I'm all right. It's all in the head. The end of grifters. But, you know, man, like, I just wish there was still, like, a sort of Wild West aspect to this business. Yeah. Right. There is, dude.

Well, the comedy has it. Not really the acting anymore. I don't know any comics that party and drink. We're doing it right now, you weirdo. Yeah, that's true. All right. But I'm talking about 2 p.m. Have you seen Skank Fest?

I'm being a hypocrite because I just can't talk about people smoking weed before work. But then I'm like, I don't know. That sounds crazy. Like when you watch the Apocalypse Now documentary and they're all like on fucking ass. I know. I know. Yeah. I mean, the old school comedy club guys would get paid in coke or money, whatever they wanted, the white or the green. That's completely done now. We romanticize Apocalypse Now because there's one instance where it worked.

Like so many of those fucking people just made bad shit back then. Yeah. Yeah, it worked. It was Copeland drugs. Right, right. A genius. You see those Orson Welles Coke-fueled movies. They're crazy. Yeah, but he was a fucking genius too. That's true. Dude, oh, you got to play that Orson Welles clip I sent you. It's fucking great. That one right there. This is killer. This is a great play from the start.

I'm trying to see what Orson Welles looks like. This is him? He's the coolest ever. Saint Germain. He's the best. He is a man who sold. It's about Elia Kazan. He is a traitor. He is a man who sold.

to McCarthy, all of his companions, at a time when he could continue to work in New York at high salary. And having sold all of his people to McCarthy, he then made a film called On the Waterfront, which was a celebration of the informer. And therefore, no question which uses him as an example can be answered by me. Thank you.

I have to add, I have to add that he is a very good director. I fucking love him. He is good. He just keeps it so real all the time. He's awesome, man. I love that shit. And I also love the movie On the Waterfront, but...

But he's right. He's right. He sold him out. Sold him up the river to the communism. I don't know shit about movies. Do you know, Sal? Are you a movie guy? He's a big movie guy. Everybody's a movie guy. I feel like a loser. I don't know anything about movies. Well, I'll catch you up. I'll send you some texts.

I'll tell you what to watch. Dude, sometimes in comedy when I'm like, you know, especially when I first got into comedy, everyone's talking about movies and old comedy specials. I'm like, oh, I don't know any shit. Well, I told you to watch the Taken to Pelham 1, 2, 3, the original last time we had dinner. Did you watch it yet? No, because my daughter just wants to keep watching Cocomelon over and over and over again. Watch it when you have a moment. All right. I will. The original one. That's fucking awesome. I saw the set. He's the worst New York guy ever. He would love it. Isn't it John Travolta in the second one? No, no, no. You're telling me to watch the first one. The first one. Yeah. No, no, no. Watch the remake. It's better. No. With John Travolta.

Yeah, the remakes are always better. Do you have like a dark period where you don't know movies and somewhere you do? Like I don't know any movies or anything like that like before the 90s, like 70s, 80s movies. Like I've never seen any of these. Godfather, Cuckoo's Nest, Cool Hand Luke. I've never seen Godfather. What? I've seen Cool Hand Luke but in like a movie class in school. That's a great movie. Yeah, I've never seen them. Cuckoo's Nest I saw but I don't really remember. What are you a fan of Cuckoo's Nest?

What? I love it. I love it. I'm just not that guy. That was like a big movie for me wanting to be a comedian because he was like the fucking crazy fun guy in the cuckoo house. Yeah. I loved it. Yeah, I don't know. That just doesn't rattle me for whatever reason.

Really? Like, I'm the guy that, like, I'll watch, like, the mass media movies or listen to, like, the music of, like, Taylor Swift because I don't even have the smarts to, like, analyze it. Like, I don't know what's good or bad. I'm like, oh, I'm watching this. It's entertaining. Like, God, you told me the 101 Dalmatians movie was good. Dude, it was fucking awesome, dude. The opening scene, they throw the mom off the... Disney movie, scene number one, they throw this kid's mother off a roof. Like Palestine. Yeah, dude. It's fucking great. Thank you, Lesbo. Pull it up.

Yeah. Is that Glenn Close? Well, the one with Emma Stone. Oh, the new one. Got it. Dude, it was so funny. One day I was sitting having sushi in LA with Tim Dillon and Tim's like, yeah, Emma Stone fucking hates me, man. Just absolutely despises me. Why? Well, we're listening to him and we're like, you know, he's just going on. It's funny because he said something funny about her on Twitter or whatever and it's so funny.

And Tim's like, yeah, he fucking despises me, whatever. And, you know, we're laughing. And because, you know, Tim Dillon is, you know, so laugh out loud funny. And then, you know, we're in L.A. So, like, I guess anything can happen. We're in the sushi restaurant. Ten minutes later, Emma Stone and her boyfriend or manager walk in. Like, she fully walks in. No way Tim knew that. He was just talking about it. And then, literally, she's walking from the door this way. And I'm sitting where you are and Tim's here. And she walks out. She goes, ugh.

And then Keith knew of it. And Tim was like, you see? You see? And I was like, holy shit, bro. Yeah. Tim was going to spin that for her being homophobic. Yeah. He'd get a couple rolls. Wow. That's so funny that Tim's got Hollywood beef with MSNBC. It was fucking hilarious. It took us to the best sushi place in LA. It's like in a shopping center on the second floor. But it's all these celebs in there. And it's one of those places you can't order off. I've been to that place. You can't order off the menu. They just come and bring the stuff to you. Yeah.

Yeah. I went there with a couple of writers. It was awesome. Yeah. All right. Shit. Well, Tim knows all the top-notch cuisine. Oh, yeah. Don Angie. You guys ever go to Don? That's the place we got to go to. Don Angie. Oh, you went. You went. Yeah. Me and you and Sal. We all went. Yeah, the fucking hockey puck. I don't like how you're bringing them into it now. I wanted to bring everybody in. I thought that was kind of our place. I'm sorry. You're making plans behind my back.

with these guys. No, dude. Our place is Lions, Tigers, and Squares Pizzeria. Oh, it bugs the hell out of me. You wouldn't even enjoy it. Huh? Would you actually enjoy basketball? You don't even like cuckoos, though. If I got the beef drunk and on the monitor. That's all I want. You'd be on your soapbox about fucking edibles. Just yelling at the players that they're on too much weed.

They should drug test these guys. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. You were just... Oh, yeah. Don Angie. Remember when we talked to Tim? We told Tim we were going to Don Angie? And he goes...

Dude, he started rattling off the menu. He goes, here's what you get. And he was right, though. I've done that with Tim. I'll be in a random city. I'll be like, what do you got for this city? Because I already have Gary Veeder, who's a food snob, but Tim will level it up. Oh, yeah. And Tim, you're right. He knows him. He's like, get the tuna tataki here. Yeah. So he's talking about baseball cards. Right. Yeah. And then you all think you all find, like, I thought I found a sandwich.

shop like buried in the Lower East Side and he's like I forgot what it was called like the dentist or something like that he goes oh the dentist he goes I've been eating that sandwich since 2006 with fat Chris Italia that's what he said he's been there he had the dentist what store is that uh at Arlene's no with a P um Parisi Parisi sandwiches in Little Italy yeah and like you think like you know he just knows yeah he knows it all yeah

But, hey, to each their own. How's your head feel? I'm okay. I got a lump. Do you really? Yeah, but it's fun. Sorry. No, no. It's fun. You're not supposed to actually get a concussion from the fake bottles. No, no concussion. Did he ever get you with it? I got him yesterday. You got me yesterday. Oh, you switched off. We're hooked. That's our thing. How many of them do you have? A lot. Here's the thing. So they cost $30 a piece. Is that right? So Matt Peters got a mold and he's making them himself. Shut up. That's why the concoction was wrong and it won't hurt. Bullets.

Wow. It was amazing. How do you make them? It's going to be a fucked up version. You're just going to be bleeding. Yeah. Could you make them a little softer? Sugar water.

melted sugar water and you put it in a mold and it hardens. That's it. That's it. One day is when you have curly hair like we have. It stays in your fucking hair. I'm sleeping with my girlfriend last night and she's touching my hair and she's like, what is this? I'm like, Mark broke a bottle of it and I'm trying to explain it. It was a podcast joke. When did this bit start? How long have you guys been doing it? Since Cinco de Mayo. Wow. Yeah.

Okay. We had Brad Williams in here. We had to break a bottle over his head. It's a big head. It's a huge bottle. We let Jordan Jensen break one over Ian's head. We had to have a few of those in there, but you know. Yeah. Jordan's a menace. She saw that thing and just went right for Ian. She was angry. Jordan looks like somebody that's broken an actual bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's a dyke. She's not, though. She's not. Her mom is.

Oh, is that right? She said her mom is. Yeah. All right. Well, it falls far. Doesn't fall far. Jordan told me that she'd build a tree house for my daughters for me, which is fucking real. There you go. It's like, yeah. She's like, I'll- Mark might've been right. Wait, what? She's a carpenter. What?

She's a carpenter, dude. She'll, she'll, that's what she'll do. She's dressed like you right now on some work site. She said she would build a tree house like for me and my kids. And she was like, you know, just let me know when to do it. I'll do it. There you go. Yeah.

We got to do an actual dinner thing, though, one of these nights. Maybe not Don Angie's. That's your spot. But we'll pick a good spot. I just didn't like that he's making Don Angie plans without me involved. I see. There's an Italian cheeseburger spot. It's from Italy, from Rome, but they specialize in burgers. We should go there. I can't even pronounce their fucking name. I'll tell you where I want to go. There's an English, meaning England, restaurant called...

I think it's in the West Village. I know it. They only make 10 of the burgers every day. I know what you're talking about. Is it Fort Charles or something like that? No, it's not Fort Charles. I went to Fort Charles with Vitor. No joke. Everything's imported. There's nothing American in there. Fuck, look up...

London or British I think it's on Hudson you got a hookup at Fort Charles no I got I did a favor for a guy and I got to do his web series or something and they got us a table there but it's not a hookup I got TJ TJ's a hookup yeah Miller's connected over there but they only make us you can't he brought me on my birthday and it was unfucking but just because you go doesn't mean you don't get the burger right we got everything

The French dip is the best thing there, right? Don't go burgers. Just go English. It's nuts. It's crazy good. I thought the burger was better than the French dip. Really? But we got that. We split it up. We got the French dip. That's how you do it, man. We got steaks. We got crab cocktail, shrimp cocktail. Wait, so what's the place? There's one place where you can go, but they only make 10 of the burgers. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, okay. But there's also a place that does 10 a day. It's called, I think, Raoul's. Yeah. I know Raoul's in Soho. You go there, right? Yeah, that's a good place. But do you ever go?

a burger though no i haven't but you've been to the england restaurant i'm talking what's it called it's called lord's yes it's like lords it's lords oh that's not what i was talking about okay no that's not the burger place i know it is i'm it's that's a it's a british place yeah and the burger just says raw onion on it yeah yeah have you had the burger no i want to go la guardia how the fuck oh like i don't know i'm sure we can figure it out even if we got in how do you get in in time to get this fucking burger you go first

Well, but you got to get a reservation. So you got to get a reservation. So the most the crazy thing, the most sought after reservations in this place are probably like 445 p.m. Well, I love that. Chris and I were trying to go to Via Corota and they said there was going to be a setup for us, like a hookup for us. But we had to get there at like five. Dude, an early dinner is the best. I know. But then we just we went to that other place. Remember? Hungry then later again. Yeah, but you just drink water, dude.

Just drink fucking water. Do an edible. What's you guys with water today? You fucking coke. If you do coke, you won't get hungry. When's the last time you did coke? I don't know. Come on. Tell the truth, you pig. What's today? What?

What time is it? You were coked up the other night. I know when he's coked up when he sends me six-minute voice notes. No, I was not. I hate the voice notes. Oh, God, here we go. That's my peeve. He's getting coked up at fucking next to Soul Joel in Prussia town, Pennsylvania. That good Prussia, Pennsylvania coke. King of Prussia. Now, I don't know. I don't do it often. It's just once in a while, you know? Whenever you drink. Once a week. Every few months. Every few months.

I don't know what's, like, bad. I'm not dismissing it. I would like to do it. I've had stretches, though, where I've done it, like, weekly. Yeah. Not every day, but, like, once a week. Sure, every weekend. And definitely I've had weekends where it was, like, a birthday weekend or something where I'm like, I'll go three days in a row. But it's like, dude, I'm not doing...

Again, it's just like we're going out drinking and you do it a little bit throughout the night so you can just keep hanging out and having fun and being an idiot. It's not like I'm fucking blowing out a gram. But aren't you worried about just the quality of the shit now? I feel like I hear all these stories. Yeah, but they've got the testing strips. You've got to test it, dude. Are you testing on your opener or something? Who do you test it on? No, you test it on the strip. Oh, they sell kits? You put it on the fan. All testing. It's easy. I didn't know this. Bars have them and shit now.

But yeah, we did do it at my bachelor party. We had a whole ton of coke. Yeah, we got the strips. No, but you kept trying to do it before the test. You're like, come on. I can take it. No, I did not. I did not do that. I did not do that. That's not true. I was there. That's not true. Listen, trust me. I wish I could say that I was doing that. But I was one of the guys when they showed us, when Liz showed us the test results, I was like,

Like, I don't know. Is that safe? Like, I was being like a little wary. Yeah. And then I was like, ah, fuck it. Yeah. You know, if I'm going to keel over, this is a good place. That's true. We had a great time. Yeah. That was a hell of a weekend. God, dude, I spent cash that night, dude. You didn't make it back? I already made, supposed to give everybody money back. Huh? No, no, no. Not only, I'm saying when we went out that night. Oh, the strip club. Yeah. How much did you spend? They were ugly. They were ugly.

I thought Tampa strippers were hot. We went to the bad ones on purpose. Oh, okay. Because you get the whole place. No, they were hot in that club. You were drunk. No.

What's his name? We won't say names, but somebody banged one of them. Remember how hot she was? She was hot. No, non-comedian. He's so good looking that strippers are like actually into him. He brought one back. He fucked her on a park bench. She was so hot that I was like hurt that he fucked her. Same. I was like, son of a bitch. I watched the whole thing. Who is it? Can you pull him up on fucking? We'll put it on Patreon. He might be married.

now yeah whatever but he's a good looking dude you've met him he's a gorgeous and a half do I know him yeah you've met him I probably did already up to his feet yeah I do I love his feet new specials on wiki feed I uh yeah I fucking I I'm always bummed I missed that wedding

Oh, yeah. I just couldn't get babysitting. I just went to the bachelor party. Oh, you didn't go to New Orleans? The wedding was fun as hell. I know. I wanted to go. I mean, Stav and I get an IV drip. Stav and I ending up at some fucking gas station with Ari at like 4 a.m. Fucking just amazing. Eating fried catfish and fried oysters and shit. It's the best. I love New Orleans. I had to do one or the other, and I opted for a bachelor party. That's a fun guy. Where was the bachelor party? Tampa. Oh, Tampa. Nice. Fucking blast, man. No.

It really was. We did three shows at the gate the first night and paid for the whole trip. We paid everyone's airfare. We got the house for free. Great. Perfect. Did you

Did you do shows too? Just three up front. Oh, three up front. Okay. They did shows. I showed up the next day. Ari does that when Ari does that skiing trip and you guys do a bunch of it. What a blessing to be able to do it. I'm trying to do one when I'm in Florida right now. Yeah. Sometimes my family will get mad at me. Like, we'll go on a vacation. I'm like, you know, we'll stay for a week. But like Monday and Tuesday, I'm going to do shows. And they're like, why do you always have to work? I'm like, this is painful. Yeah. Those are not your feet. That's my foot? Hoof?

My foot? He's on wicky feet. Let me see. No, that's my foot. This one here? That one's my foot. Holy shit. That's me. What the fuck happened? That's out of order. That's what it is, bro. What is that, Victor Wembanyama in NBA? That's my foot. I don't think that's my foot. Ah! Oh my god, is that you? Yeah. I thought that was Lena Dunham. Oh.

Oh, my God. What is that picture from? That's from a Bay Ridge Boys episode. Web series I did with Giannis when we did some Bay Ridge Boys episode where we were sleeping head to toe. You look like the kid in Ellis Island who's waiting on his papers. Yeah. You're on the bunk bed. I was a fat fuck, too. I know. He was a beefy piece of shit. He was wearing those old bathing suits from the 20s. Giannis was... Oh! Oh!

He wasn't fat there, Jan. Is this a lemon party? Yeah. We got to have you guys make up, man. I know. How often do you talk to him? He doesn't care anymore. I've talked to him about it. I haven't spoken to him in a few months, but I'm down to talk to him. Come on in, Jan. Get him in. That'd be a good guess. Give him a beefy. It's been five years, right? Who cares at this point? I want to bring it back. Start talking about history and yelling about the Chinese again. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Squeak. Squeak of the week. Yeah. It was a great show. Squeak of the week. We had like our whole language on history. I know. I know. People still... I mean, it's almost like daily. People will at least comment on YouTube and yell something about history. It was funny, man. It was fun. Do it again. Well, I would. Okay. I would do it again. It's funny. Why did it stop in the first place? Oh, boy. Here we go. It's that stuff. I would... I think...

if hopefully we do it again it would be fun for me and yannis to go out and like the first episode we do is the history of history hyenas type thing and then talk you know what i mean i like that and then do that and get it all out like in a fun way of like what happened my side his side and then kind of you know and then patch it up and then yell about you could do it like debate style too like you know we could we can moderate it yeah yeah i could come out and bring character witnesses he could come out bring character witnesses

this fucking guy will come out for the bulk of us at fucking two-time and pig. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The clip of Joe coming out when you... What was it on? Taste Buds? Which podcast was that? That was Hey Babe. Oh, my God. Can we pull that up? Well, with the one he came and started screaming at me? Yeah. Dude, he saved my fucking ass on that. Wow. Because here's what... Before we play, let me just preface it. I went into... I started to... Because I...

Because now that this is about a year and a half ago, I was probably just like clinically depressed. I started going so deep into stoicism. I mean, look at me, dude. These fucking glasses. I started going so... I forgot you were wearing these glasses all the time. Yes. I went so deep into stoicism that I just started to talk about... Like I knew... Like I read one line of a fucking Marcus Aurelius thing and I'm like... I'm talking about it like this is the new me. Kind of like when Joe's talking about edibles. We're just like...

You know, in weed shops. I'm like, this is how it is. And I was such a fucking doofus. And I was hanging myself out to dry with this serious point. I made myself look like such an asshole. And then Joe came in and saved my fucking life. And then I told everyone that was a planned bit. So I didn't look like an asshole. Let's just watch it. All right, here we go. Good setup. Practice poverty once or twice a month. What I mean by that is...

It's so bad. But Joe saves me. With the zip up and everything. Tony Robbins. Oh, God.

I just heard Chris talking about this in the other room. I just walked in like, you know, too. I didn't even know you were here. Fucking pig. Did you just say you're going to practice poverty by flying coach and riding the subway? You just described my regular life. Poverty. Say it.

That's your best word, Joe. I can't believe I described DeRosa's life when I was trying to make a philosophical point. What a piece of garbage Joe DeRosa is. No, dude. You saved me, bro. That day also, too. That moment helped me because I don't remember what happened. I was so fucking mad at Sal about something that happened on Taste Buds. Yeah. And then like doing that. What were you mad about? I don't remember.

That's what I led with. I don't remember. Dude, I've never met... You're arguing about egg rolls. Like, how bad could it get? You've clearly missed a few episodes. I just watched a clip. Yeah, but real quick, it goes immediately from fucking Skittles to, like, character assassination. Yeah. Yeah, it's quick. It'll get personal. You're fucking adopted. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't remember. I left, like, we finished recording, and I was, like, in the other room. We were preparing for the live stream. Mm.

I had to go in the other room after we recorded to sign the posters we were selling. And I remember I was sitting signing these posters after we recorded. And I'm like, this fucking motherfucker. I was stewing at it. And then I got up to leave. I finished. And as I was leaving, I heard you say that. And I walked in and did that. And then Sal was laughing. And I started laughing. And then it diffused me being mad at Sal. He doesn't even know I was mad at him. Yeah.

That's got to be tough because the whole show is arguing and debating and fighting your side. It's got to get heated. It's gotten, yeah, it gets ugly sometimes. Damn, about Oreos. Well, like Chris said, it'll start there. Right, right. But then it'll start to get into like, once you hear us going like,

You do this. You do this. You say these things, and it's like, that's when it's like, okay, we're not talking about, the fight's not about the dishes anymore. Right. You know what I mean? You guys have never fought? You guys off air have never fought or been like, I don't want to do the show anymore? It's never come to that? There's never been one moment? We don't really fight. No, we fought over, like, at the cellar drunk. You know, we got in an argument about jokes. But nothing ever to the point where it's been like, I don't know if we can do the show anymore. No. We don't really fight. That's good. That's healthy.

Yeah, the drinking helps. Yeah, I can't imagine you guys really... I could imagine arguing more with you than I could with Norman. That's not an insult. That's just like we're more similar. Yeah. Right. But I can't imagine you guys...

You enlist a four. Really? You guys have one of the longest running pods of all of us. Ten years, baby. I know, but I remember some of the fights. I remember being in the middle of some of the fights. Oh, really? I remember when he threw a birthday party for you and you were out of town or something. I didn't go.

And Liz was fucking heated. And I was like, I was like in the middle. Cause I understood like, but why both like why he wanted to throw you a party and why you didn't want to party. Yes. So I was kind of in the middle, like, you know, Mark doesn't like, he doesn't like that type of stuff. And Liz was like, why I did this for him. And I'm like, I know, but he has it. I had to kind of like get both. And then I had to explain to Mark, like, Hey, he did a nice thing for you. Try to make both of them here. The other person's side. I get it. I get it. He was, he was more right. But, uh, Colin Quinn.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone today. What do you mean? You really busted my stones today. Dude, what are you talking about? Leave me alone. You took off the tracksuit. What a comedy podcast. Yeah, just go back to regular Chris now.

I go, do you have Diet Coke? He goes, yeah. And he just sat back down. You look like a waiter on a gay cruise. You look like Gilligan. You look like a 12th season Gilligan. They're never coming, man. Gilligan, how many coconuts you been eating? Been here a while. Too many. Yeah.

I feel bad for this kid because we shit on his fucking pecan beverage. It wasn't bad. I liked it the most. Oh, my God. That's dead on. Holy shit. You look like Comic-Con Gilligan. You're signing headshots at the table. Comic-Con. Oh, my God.

Bob Denver. It's Bob Denver. All right, all right. Denver Omelet. Okay. Bush. Rush with Craig. What's that mean? I don't know. I think he killed himself. I've gotten it. Oh, yeah. As an old man, he killed himself? Yeah, well, he's got to hear Hey Buddy over and over. Who would do that? He did coke and died. No, he didn't. Stop it. All right.

I dated a girl who would do blow in the morning before work. That's wild. And it was a huge turn on. Turn on? Turn off. Yeah, but she'd do blow all night. We'd bang and she'd drink. Is that the girl you were dating when you were a janitor? I remember when I first met you, you were a fucking janitor. Remember Mark as a janitor? It was wild. Best job I've ever had. He would hear his keys. He was always cleaning fucking public schools, coming to open mics.

Yeah. It smelled like puke. I would hang out in the boiler room. I did a lot of writing in there. Yeah, that was a wild gig. Who was the girl? You don't know her. Just some rando floozy. Floozy. Good times. I bet he got laid a ton off this, by the way. Oh, yeah. Not working for me. Yeah. Remember Dobie Gillis? Of course. He was kind of cool. He was a hunk. Yeah, yeah. That was an old 50s show. That was the first show he was on. It was called The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, and he played his beatnik best friend. There it is.

Yeah, he's like a cool cat on that. Thanks, buddy. Dolby Gillis. All right, I'll take that big ice cube. Dolby Shane Gillis. I love these ice cubes. Yeah, right? Yeah, they're nice. Nice circle cube. Cube. Boom. Just saying. I've gotten into a few dust-ups with List.

Really? This is an easy guy to argue with. Sure. But so am I. Right. I'm not knocking him. But you were there. Remember we were on the road together, the three of us? Where? Oh, Sacramento. And we were all managed by Bjorn. Yes. And we all went to Sacramento. And me and List, remember the last night we got into that fucking- Yeah. What was that about? You guys were kind of pecking all weekend. And then the last night it came to a head. He was still drinking then though, wasn't he? He was. We all were. That guy would get a case at noon. By the way, Mark and Joe were opening for me.

I've zigged when I should have zagged. It was a wild weekend. Remember you hooked up with a girl in the cast? Did she have a cock? Chris, I swear to you.

I hooked up with this woman. I was like 29. She was like 48. I remember. Oh, it's so hot. I swear to God, it's the most I ever in my life thought I might have AIDS. Really? She looked like it. They were like... What's San Francisco? No disrespect. They were nice people. This lady was like jet trash, as they say. You thought she was like... You were convincing yourself she has AIDS from intravenous drug use, and now you have it. She was really skinny.

Right. She was skanky. And you did it raw. No, we didn't bang. I just got blown. But back then, I didn't know anything. So that was the most nervous of everything. Dude, I used to think that you could get HIV. I'm talking about when I was in my 20s. I used to think that you could get it.

If I had unprotected sex with a girl and like her blood type mixed in a weird way with my blood type, that would somehow create AIDS. And so that's why I was like paralyzed with fear about it. Dude, and that was when I was getting my doctorate degree in physical therapy. You just create AIDS. I thought I thought and then and then like, you know, I didn't like make it announced it. But like somewhere in like a lecture, it was taught to me that like they have to have full AIDS.

for you to get it and how almost it's so difficult to get it as a heterosexual guy. Also, he's still going. I mean, I think AIDS is cool now. He was an outlier at the time, for sure. There's not a stigma against it as much. No, there's theories that Magic Johnson was mistaken. He didn't have it. Or that he had access...

To the medicine that's available now regular HIV medicine now will make it almost undetectable in your blood. There you go. All right cut that I've been drinking. What uh any peeves anyone? Oh, I got one. Oh, look at that guy. Hello magic That guy is sparkling

Body of a power forward, though. Oh, yeah. 100%. Power bottom. Could have played. He's having a good time, man. I ain't mad at him. Good for him. Enjoy it. Get in there, baby. He's a sexy, slinky man. I got a peeve. Hit me. This is a whopper. I hope you guys can get on board with this. The guy who goes something, something, something straight up.

Everything is straight up. We're going to go out tonight. We're getting laid. We're getting steaks. Straight up. I don't even know what it means. I've never even heard a person say that. You never heard the straight up? Oh, yeah. I've heard that. It's annoying. Trump's going to win straight up. All right. Well, why is it straight up? I don't even know what that means, but people say it all the time. A little seasoning on the comment. It's like full stop. Yeah. Yeah. You already stopped. Full stop is dumb. It's dumb. Yeah. It's like when people... I don't like... My peeves do when people sign an email. Cheers. Cheers.

Ugh. You're not British. Cheers. Yeah. It's like, shut up. Just write sincerely or don't write anything. I don't need to hear cheers. I have a problem. I have a problem. One thousand percent with anybody. More so when they put it in writing than just verbally, vocally. When anybody uses a phrase that's.

a new phrase dumped into the public. Oh, like it's lit. I'm with you on that. Not, not as much as that. Not so much like a, like a new, like, like, oh, that's fat or that's all, you know, not so much a slang thing. I got one. We're going to, we're fucking old. Yeah. I want to start saying that when somebody goes like, so he goes like, like when I got, when I, when the nurses canceled me. Yeah. Uh, I kept seeing the same phrase. Hey, bro, this ain't it. Oh,

Oh, God. That's what I mean. Do better. Yes, yes. Do better is another great example. This ain't it. It's all the time annoying. I get like, that ain't it. Really, I see fucking red. I'm with you. People do that. Because they just heard it from me. Hey, bruh. And now they're saying it. Yeah, my fucking daughter says bruh. Really? Yeah, dude. To you? In a Hill GIF? Yeah, yeah. We're just like...

Yeah. Yeah. No, they'll just she'll just say it. She'll go, Brock, like in the park. Like if one of her friends like, you know, like little kids, if you go, Brock, come on, bro. I'm like, stop. Gateway to the N word. Yeah, I know. I'd rather say that. I got to be doing coke. I know. Yeah.

I got a peeve. I'm at the corner store, the deli guy, and it's like after the Knicks game. We're both bitching about the Knicks loss, and some lady, she just sees us both looking like really sad. She goes, what's wrong with you guys? And I go, oh, the Knicks. And she goes, I don't care. I was like, you brought it up. Yeah. Yeah, we didn't ask you to care. You intruded. That's a justifiable time to say cunt. Cunt.

That's a justifiable cunt right there. That's like, fuck off. Yeah. You need a cunt card. Like you say it and then you go, no, my friend, this is a good time. Yeah. You know what's a pet peeve of mine too? In stores. What's that? I got to be honest with you. I don't want to be in a store

anyone coming up to me asking if I need help with anything. If I need help, I'll ask you. As soon as you walk in, when someone says, can I help you out with anything? I'm right here. My name, I don't care how polite you are. I will walk. I want to walk out of your store. It's funny. I was, I was trying to write a bit about this the other day is, is do you do this?

I don't do a lot of bits like this. Do you ever do this? Whatever. But like, like, I do want to write a bit about this. Like, do you ever ask for help in the store and they're too helpful? Oh, yeah. Like, I was in Target and I was like, hi, I'm looking for arrow beds, like the inflated ladies, like sporting goods. Oh, great. She goes, okay, so you walk off. Oh, yeah.

I literally was walking away from her. Wow. Back to her 10 feet away. She was still talking. Wow. Going like, and then the aisle. And then when you get there and it's like, lady, I don't fucking care. Shut the fuck up.

You're adding too much coke. Jesus fucking Christ. Waiters will do that too. A woman's trying to help him. He's like, shut the fuck up. That's what's funny about it. You're mental. You're mental. I did too much coke.

No, but it's like, that's what, what's so like, I'll ask for help and they'll keep, and I'm like, I got it. I got it. When I say I got it, it means I got it. I got you. Stop. But because they're waiting, they're sitting there. Wait, I guess this is my peeve. They're sitting there waiting.

They're bored. Please, somebody. Yes. Please, somebody ask me where the fucking inflatable beds are. Yeah. He's got to get to a protest at Columbia. That's what he needs education on, is where these things are located. Why does yours seem harmless? What? Why do you get mad when a guy goes, you need anything?

I need help because I think that it puts, I, I, I think I have social, a bit of social anxiety. And I think when every time somebody comes up to me in a store and wants, cause I think that it's not genuine. I think they're just coming up to me cause they have to. And I totally understand that. But I,

I also feel like, you know what? I'll find it on my own because I don't know how to build anything or like do anything. And I'm always getting shit on by my family. We're like, Chris, you don't know fucking anything. Thank God you're kind of okay at comedy or else you'd be a piece of shit. That's just what I hear in my head all the time. So yeah,

so when yes yes so in the store in the store when someone's like you know do you need help what what i'm really hearing is like my mom and jazz being like hey you know you can't find anything just makes you realize how fucked up every person is yeah yeah someone's just walking over trying to help you and you're like no fuck you mom yeah that's every person's got some level of that yeah which is like ridiculous but but no but we all have it yeah yeah i i had one where uh

Fuck, I wrote it down. I had some peeve. Oh, this one about the guy who fucks up and then is too hard on himself so you can't say anything. The guy will fuck something up for you and you're like, ah, shit. And he's like, oh, I'm a fucking idiot. Oh, I'm such a piece of shit. And you're like, well, now I can't say anything. Because he's beating, it's like him beating himself up. Do you remember this? Do you remember this? And I think this is what you're saying. And it's along the same lines. I've had friends...

Big surprise, all comedians, because they're fucking psychos. I really, I truly hate comedians. The worst. I hate them as people. We're all self-centered narcissists. It's ridiculous. The whole art of it is baby. We're on stage. Look at me. Look at me. That's our existence. Go up there and you bomb like I do. Yeah. Because I'm a real person. Yeah. But like I've had, it's always a comedian friend where they will do something egregious and

And you'll be like, hey, dude, like, yeah, man, that was really fucked up what you did. And they'll go, I'm just...

You're right, dude. I'm just so fucked. And then you're going, dude, you're a good guy. You're going to blow your head off. And then you realize, that's fucking manipulation. That's manipulation. That's your way of getting off the hook. It's so fucked up. I hate it. It's so fucked up. It's a trick. That's why it's good to have your outside friends, like your non-comedian friends. You've got to have people just tell you the truth, dude. Right, Skippy? There you go.

Well, he doesn't talk. He's a mute. That's it. But yeah, along with the this ain't it and the do better, I was just in L.A. And of course, L.A., it's all agents and industry. So all they do is throw these fucking colloquialisms and shit at you. And this is the big one now.

We're going to unpack that later, and then we're going to table this. You say something, they go, table that, and then we'll get back to it. Like, what the fuck is table? Yeah, or that, or in specifically industry, when somebody goes, you pitch a show or pitch an idea to an executive, and then they pass on it, and then your agents will tell you, they loved you. They absolutely loved you. I think you're great. They're a huge fan. They own a network. Dude, this is why I love it.

I love our agent, Mike Berkowitz. I'll publicly shout this out. That's why I love Berkowitz. I love Mike Berkowitz. He's never once, never once in my life since I've been represented by him called me to ask me how I'm doing. He calls me or texts me with fucking work. And I'm like, thank you, bro. I don't need you to check in on me. When agents and managers are like, I'm just calling to say hello. I'm like, I have a family that I can't... What do you want to talk... Just...

You're a good Italian. No, wait, wait, wait. I think that's what you just said is more psychotic than me getting mad at the lady over. Why? Hey, Joe, can you unpack that? No, I think it's actually, if it's genuine, if it's genuine. It never is. It never is. They don't want to get fired. Hold on. I disagree. We have the same manager. Our manager will call us some, well, he calls me sometimes. He goes, hey, dude, I just want to.

We talk all week long about work stuff. He'll call me sometimes and go, hey, dude, I just want to see how you're doing. And he knows I'm a guy that kind of needs somebody to go, hey, dude, you doing okay? Can you put some cayenne pepper in it? And I appreciate that. I appreciate that. That's a personal touch that I do appreciate. Managers are a bit different than agents. When it's bullshit, it's bullshit. Right. Yes, I agree. Because I think what I think, it's the same. It's not genuine. It's like, oh, I'm just calling to check in on you because I don't want you to think we haven't spoken and then you get an idea to fire me. Exactly. That's what I think. Okay, that's fair. I get a lot.

I used to have a manager who would just... It'd be an hour-long phone call. You know those people, and you're just like, I don't... She'd be like... I remember I went in once, and I was mad I didn't get a thing, and she was like, you look just like blank. I won't say his name. A guy she used to date. Yeah. I'm like, you're talking to me about a guy you used to... You're my fucking manager. Dude, that's why with our bit, sometimes we're a little... I won't say... I'm a little infantile sometimes and naive sometimes.

But that's why it's good. Like, you know, Jazz, my girl, she's like just a Puerto Rican girl from Sunset Park that like grew up in the real hood, like the actual hood bullets flying through family members in jail, like the real hood. And she's so kind of like sees the bullshit, smells the bullshit immediately. I had a manager once, very short lived, that was like wanted to be friends with her and kept asking me for her information. And she was like, you need to follow.

me she goes you need to fire this fuck right now i said why she was like why do you think she's trying to be friends with me i was like it's a nice person she was like no no no she wants to put her hooks in me so you can never fire her because the only way that she'll keep you even if she's not doing business wise she'll keep you in the personal loop because she'll be i wonder who this is she goes get her the fuck out of your life right now and i i swear to god dude i didn't even discuss it with our manager i literally put

Stop talking. He's an agent or a manager? Manager. I put the phone down. I put the phone down, and I just called, and I did it in 30 seconds. I thought for a second I didn't discuss it with my manager. I'm sorry. From our manager to this person and back to our manager. Yes, that's what happened. That's a smart lady you got there. She's very smart. That's very intuitive. See, that I agree with. That I agree with in the personal sense. But I just mean, like, I actually do think it's kind of nice –

with people that are so involved with your well-being and your livelihood if the once in a while they show a human side. I agree with that. You know what, dude? Why don't we just go grab dinner? Why don't we just go grab dinner and hang out? Have some fun tonight. Like blow off some steam. Talk shop. How you feeling emotionally? Well, it's a...

I guess it's a preference then because I'd rather do that with my fellow comedians like human. But that side is like your job is to bring me the, the, the business, right? Sometimes you're going to these dinners and you're not getting the business. Yeah, it is different. Well, that's true too. But I, I don't mean all the time. I just mean like once, but I also do think it's different with a manager and agent. A manager is a little more hands on. That's,

Kind of your quarterback. Yeah. Right. And by the way, I want an agent to always be friendly and personal. I always be friendly and personal to them, whatever. But it's just like, I don't need to have a conversation about like just checking in on me. I don't need that from you. No, I have other people in my life that I do that. Well, I hate the check. And here's another one. I'll throw you. I just did mention it. The L.A. shows.

So I go to L.A., so all the management of mine is in L.A. So they're like, we're going to come to the show. So now my green room, I shouldn't be saying this, but my green room is full of managers, agents, and they all think they're doing the right thing by going...

You're in L.A. You sold this thing out. Here we are. We're supporting you. They're just taking time from you from writing your bits. Exactly. I'm like, I got to work on my bits, but you got to be nice. And they showed up. Yeah. Imagine the Knicks are warming up and their manager's like, hey, tickle, tickle. It's like defense. I want you to shoot three.

Brunson, we got a lot to unpack. Why don't you just tell them, like, guys, I don't want anybody in the green room. There's like 30 of them. They're all bringing you gifts. You need one person to clear everyone out. You need one person. Hey, do you mind? I just need to go over. Our manager is good at that. Emilio is good at that. He'll get people out first. He's fucking great at that shit. He's great at that. After the show, I don't care at all. Oh, yeah, hang on. Pre-show, I do get. But my people are pretty good about it. You got to meditate. You got to, like, just get. You're prepared.

for a game. You meditate before a show? I try to. Really? I do whatever Jerry Seinfeld tells me to do. He loves Marcus Aurelius, by the way. Oh, yeah, I know. I saw it. I texted him about it. I fucking, oh, dude, did I tell you I bombed with him on text? Yeah. This is a great story. No, no, no. A new one. A new one? A new one, dude. I bombed even worse. Oh, it's the sequel. Dude, so here, I'll read it to you. Oh, I

Oh, I fucking ate it hard again. So we're texting, you know, like, you know, obviously I know your friends. I, you know, quickly, Jerry Seinfeld called me in the middle of the pandemic. We had a nice conversation. It was all through Colin Quinn. It was, you know, Colin is like, you know, whatever. So, so we talk and then he was like, oh, send me a joke. Anytime I send him a joke, fucking, you know, left it on red. It was a pathetic joke, whatever. Bomb.

But then I would see him and it was always cool. He's like the coolest guy. But then we, I heard him on Neil Brennan's podcast blocks and it was unbelievable. He was talking about, he said something like specific about parenting where he was like, oh, I, I don't only want the quality time with my kids. I also want the garbage time. Yes. And like, I just want the time to be with them when we all are on our phones or doing shit. Nice. Thank you. And he goes, yeah. Yeah. All right. Great.

And then he goes, and then you said, yeah. And then he wrote, and I said, I need something to get through it. Well, I go. He's reading texts with famous people. No, no, no. But listen. No, because listen. Nobody cares about me. I'm just saying, because I bombed. It's a thing. It's a humble brag. Oh, listen to how I bombed with the famous guy. Oh, my God. Give him my glasses and my zip-up jacket. Unpack it. I'm sitting on coach. I'm glad Burrell gets it. No, don't zip up, you cocksucker.

I'm your only ally right now. You call me a cocksucker? You know, the lighter was invented before the match. All right, go. I go, really great stuff on Block's podcast. And I put in quotes, because he said this. He goes, you do comedy not to find out who you are.

but to find out who you're not, right? So I said, as the kids say, that's a banger. And he wrote, banging away out here, SNL surprise walk-on tonight. So he walked on to SNL two weeks ago, but this was at like 3 o'clock in the afternoon, so nobody knew. So I wrote back, my DVR just got unfrosted. Oh. Oh, my God. You fucking loser. Oh, my God.

You're right. He shouldn't have responded. Did he respond? No, he didn't. I'll show you. Mark. Look at that. Oh, it says delivered too. Yeah. And it's unfrosted. Yeah.

Oh, that was a brown one. Please. I'm begging you. That's what it was. One of my kids. I'm begging you. Can we please create an amazing podcast moment right now? Okay. We just did. Can you please? No, that was great. But let's bring it home. Clip that, Matt. Please text Jerry right now and say, I just told the story of how my last text to you bombed.

and see if he responds. No, he's not going to respond. This is why you're not on a chain with him. No, I can't. Why? He's probably going to be upset I even mentioned this. No, that's funny. He'll find it. He watches this. Then why would he not think that it's funny? Oh, shit. Sorry. Damn it, F. My F-N, he's frosted. Then why would he not think it was funny to say? Come on, Joe. I will say that, Girth.

You're telling me no way in hell he'd go. I don't think so. Well, he just doesn't want to deal. He doesn't like getting texts anyway. So he's like, oh, now I got to keep going with this. That's how he is. I mean, here's how bad it was. Even when I told my Jazz, my family, and she goes, Chris, you're a professional soccer player.

so-called comedian she was like if that's like even she's a if my mom texted me that i'd write back you're a cornball yeah she was like so what the fuck were you doing i was like i don't know jazz you have a self-destructive streak yes there's a there's this is a part of the comedians that i think people don't understand it's like we were the kids in class that wanted to say the most fucked up thing possible right and that doesn't go away just because you're talking to a comedy legend yeah good point please

Please let me bring everything full circle when I say I missed the edge of this business.

that a self-destructive streak now is writing a corny joke to a comedian and not shooting up heroin before you gotta go on to an hour. Yeah. You can do both. Yeah, yeah. But also, it's kind of so bad it's good. Right. I thought he would go, oh, you fucking nerd. You know, something like that. Like, he could have zinged. That opens the door for a good zing. I actually am surprised, just from a comic standpoint, that he didn't write back, like, yick. Exactly. Because I think, to be honest with you, when I wrote that back,

When I wrote that, when I wrote that, and tone is everything, when I wrote that, I knew it wasn't great, but I was like kind of trying to be a subtle cornball. Of course. Like I write stuff like that to Colin all the time. But I bet you this. Just corny shit. If Andy Kindler wrote that to, or Todd Glass wrote that to Jerry Seinfeld, he would go, that's funny, because that's their brand of humor. Uh-huh.

Right. Kindler would be like, my DVR just got unfrosted. That's kind of what I was going for. You're not that guy. Right. You're a fucking meathead. I know. I know. I know. Fuck. Oh, that's a great point. You got him there. What happened to Sam?

I was looking for a shard. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is long enough. I'm bleeding creatine. Because if you saw him in person, you'd go, how about that in Frosted? Oh, that was bad. He would go, oh, yeah, that was bad. And then you're back. Yeah. But the techs are brutal. Yeah, dude, I fucked up.

But it's self-destruction. It's what it is. It's what we all do, dude. I was texting with Patton Oswalt today, and I made him laugh. Did you? Yes, I did. What did he say? I don't need to tell my stories. Is he hanging out? Does he want to come by? We were supposed to hang out tonight, but he's doing press for, I guess, whatever he's promoting or whatever. Unfrosted 2. King of Queens 2. King of Queens reboot. Here we go. Oh, yay! I should have sent that to Jerry.

That's your friend. That's you. That's me. Yes, that's you. Seriously. Yeah. Funny. Yeah. We're going to send him that clip, though, of this. Yeah. Well, you guys got stuff you want to post? Oh, yeah. Oh, we lost the Google bitch. We lost the fucking Google bitch. When's Sal go?

When does this come out? Two weeks. Oh, yeah. Okay, great. Okay. Yeah, I think so. Chris and I are doing a gig together. June 22nd, baby. How funny is this, dude? June 22nd, you know, big gig for Sam and I were going to be in Atlantic City. I was telling my family the other day, I was like, oh, we'll go to Atlantic City June 22nd. And Jazz has got her arms folded. She's looking at me like this. And I'm like, what? June 22nd, we're all going to go to Atlantic City. She was like, mm-hmm. She goes, why do you think that date's important? And I was like, oh.

I don't know. I was like, it's a Saturday in June. I was like, the kids have school. It's a Saturday. She goes, when's your youngest daughter's birthday? And I was like, not June 22nd. It's June 24th. She was like, yeah, exactly. She was like, June 24th is a Monday. We're having her birthday party, which I told you 100 times. Saturday, June 22nd is your daughter's birthday party. Ah.

I was like, well, just make it on the fucking 23rd. Or I said, why don't we just have it at the craps table in Atlantic City? And so, but I'm still, we're going to go. We're going to go. I'm going to bring my family to Atlantic City. They're coming. They're coming. We're going to do her birthday party. Damn, I thought your divorce papers just got unfrosted.

I can't believe, by the way, you're worried that your family is mad that you don't know how to find a hammer in a store. You're afraid your daughter's birthday. Sunday, June 23rd, we're going to do the party in Philly. She's going to ruin our fucking dinner. That's true. You know that children's museum, Please Touch Museum? Please touch me. That's what it's called. What?

Don't be on the museum where he touched me. Oh, my God, dude. Yes, dude. That's where we're going to go. So wait. We're still getting dinner after that, right? 100%. Who's running that? Jared Fogle? Fogle. It's Fogle's house. Sam went to go hop in a puddle. In like two hours. He went to go fucking starve for the... We're done already? It's only four. Let's do flag kite. You weren't here for the first hour. Yeah, you were late. We were talking about the Nazis, and I was fucking saying how they're not bad.

They're just misunderstood. Have you seen the Hitler AI thing where he speaks English? Oh, my God, yes. That was very motivating.

All right. All right. Chris and I got hours to kill right now. We're going to hang out. Yeah, we're going to hang out. I got a show at 8 o'clock at Paragon Sports. I'm on that. You're going to do that? I'll see you there. So what is it, though? I thought it was Thursday. Aren't you doing it with me Thursday? Maybe it's Thursday. No, I got Paragon Sports Show, 815 and 845. They do it all week. But what is Paragon? It's a comedy festival. These guys do...

uh shows in weird places gym snowboard shop cat's deli or cat's deli kind of cool they do this and they're always packed guys so where's paragon though do we have any idea where it's it's on 17th street and broadway union square area all right that's gonna be weird that's like a two-story sporting goods store yeah and they said that's where the show is and they're doing show they're doing multiple shows at the same time because i got an 815 spot an 845 spot up down how many spots you got tonight

I did seven last night. When's the last time you did? Do you do comedy seven nights a week? You try? Yeah. So when's the last time you didn't do stand up? I'll take Sundays off sometimes. When's the last time you took a weekday or Saturday off? Rarely.

Maybe like Thanksgiving or something. Christmas. Right. Yeah. But out of 365 days, you're on stage 350 minimum. Probably, yeah. I like it. It's not like a workaholic thing. No, no, no. You enjoy it. I just enjoy it. Yeah. Michelle Wolf, she's always, why do you get up so much? I'm like, it's fun. I'm having fun. And I don't want to be home. Praise be to Allah. Yeah. Queef. It's good. Good to get up a lot. Mark Queef.

What do you got here? Oh, look at this. We got Amsterdam, Belfast, Liverpool, Glasgow, Birmingham, and London in first weeks of June. Good luck with Birmingham. That's a heckle fest. Yeah. Glasgow, too. Dude, I'm selling well in certain places, but some other places I'm shit in the fucking bed, dude. They're tough. They don't know what to tell you. Even London. O2, Shepard's Bush, Empire. I mean, I sold well in London. It's fine, but it's not... I don't know. Something happened. Oh, really? Fucking...

Maybe the boom is over. My Enfrosted text. And then June 22nd with Sammy Morrell in Atlantic City. I know. June 22nd in Atlantic City and a couple of special guests we're bringing out. A couple of special guests. And then Sam and I are going to be going out in July and August. We're going to do a little tour here. Some casinos, yeah. Some casinos, baby. Chris and Sam, we both taped specials. We're both trying to build back up. That's it, baby.

Well, this is probably going to come out after the 25th. Yeah, it comes out in June 2nd. All right. Well, I'm doing some festival stuff. I'll be on Kreischer's tour. Oh, hell yeah. See you there. Fully loaded. Skank Fest in September. But the big announcement I have, it's not on my website yet because by the time this comes out, it will be.

I'm taping my fucking next special. I've been on the road working on this for a couple of years. Call the nurses. At the Colonial Theater in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. September 14th. It's a Saturday. Two shows. Tickets are on sale now. Very, very, very limited seating. It is a very, very small venue, but we're doing two tapings today.

Go to JoeDeRosa.com for tickets. I'm excited, man. It's been a long, long, long build up. You think it's YouTube?

I don't know yet. I'm going to shoot it and then see what happens. But I got an amazing crew of guys working on it with me, and I'm excited. All right. Me too. When does this come out again? Sam, 6-2. Oh, so I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky tonight. You probably already missed that. Fun club. Great club. Brea Improv, the 7th through the 9th of June. Then we got Atlantic City, June 22nd with Chrissy. I'm doing Rochester, New York, the end of that month in June. We just added Miami Improv. We got...

Timonium, Baltimore area. Uh...

Yeah, Magoobies. I was trying to avoid saying the name. Magoobies Jokehouse. But yeah, building back up. And I got Europe coming up. So that's on the thing. Oh, hell yeah. September 18th, we got London. Ooh, yamama. September 18th, London. September 22nd, Belfast. September 24th, Dublin. September 25th, Paris. And we got Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Oslo, and Stockholm. So I'm fucking pumped. That's in September. So on sale now. What a run. Yeah.

This is you, Mark. All right, all right. New Haven, Connecticut. College Street Musical. That's a fun room. Beat Town. The Schubert Theater. Georgia. The Atlanta Health something. Health Amphitheater. That could be weird. Oh, I think that's with Bert. That's why. Charleston. That's with Bert. Amphitheater. Okay. Philly. The Miller Theater. Then Pittsburgh and

The Carnegie, whatever. Seattle, Spokane, Baton Rouge, Pensacola, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, Rockford. I'm out of cities. I've been everywhere. So I got to go to these weird towns. Greensboro, Anaheim, Reading, PA, Red Bank. Come on. Red Bank's going to be great. Really? Red Bank's going to be great. We'll go to Mark's show in Red Bank. And then the next night, Pitbull's playing at Forest Hill Stadium. We'll go see Pitbull. You want to see some fucking big fake butts. And Bodega Cat is now in New York City. Yay! Woo!

KenWhiskey.com. It should be at the cellar when this comes out. We're taping this two weeks before, but it should be at the cellar right now. I love it. It's about fucking time. Thanks for everybody for hanging in there. And if you're in New York and you want it, get in touch. Yes, get a bottle. They're going fast. We're almost sold out. Thank you. Comedy. The day for my next Fender juice close. Norman's talking shit at his home. In the same way. Feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New York.

This woman doesn't love me.