Ep 132: Kyle Kinane 01:21:06

We got Kyle Kinane. We might be drunk. Oh, it's happening. Hey, we're doing it. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for coming in. You're a West Coast queef, and now you're here with us. Pacific Northwest. Oh, the queefiest. Yeah, I'm an Oregon boy now. Whoa, REI. Powell Books.

I mean, REI is pretty national. Yeah, we got one of those. Yeah, sure. I just say, like, there's a lot of tents out there. Yeah, I don't think they're buying new. A lot of duct tape. A lot of hand-me-downs. It's more of a Dick's Sporting Goods kind of crowd. Yeah, good point. What prompted the move to Portland? Pandemic had a chance to move up there, and then just...

Been there since the beginning of it. I'm like, yeah, this is good. No, this is all right. Yeah. As I was saying before, I'm like, I'm not part of... Like, I do comedy, but I'm not really a showbiz...

Even before pandemic, they're like, hey, man, you want to drive to Santa Monica for an audition? I was like, no. No, I won't. I've been to China to do stand-up, but I will not cross the 405 to do a paper towel commercial. I'm not into that scene, man. I hate every audition, and I enjoy now because I'm such a pussy that I'll get an email from my agent like, hey, this is a good role for you. It's whatever show, Criminal Minds, and you'd be perfect for it. I'm like...

I don't want to do it. Fuck it. I'm saying no. What part of criminal minds do they think? What role are you getting on criminal minds? The autistic serial killer with a couple of zingers. They said you don't even have to audition. We wrote it for you. We wrote it for you. Right. Yeah. It's tough. But also doing the road out of the West Coast is always tougher just with the time change. If you're coming east, you have to go a day early, right? You're behind the eight ball there. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm like, I love a red eye. Oh, you're the one. I sleep, yeah, I sleep on the plane. I snore on the planes. A couple drinks before I get to the airport. A couple drinks on the airport. Sorry. I wish I would have saved mine. I had a bunch. Oh, lay it on us. I like that you specifically got pleather seats so they crack off real nice. Yeah.

Man, that blew this way. I appreciate you. Oh, sorry. I don't think you're sorry. I know you just farted. Well, I didn't mean it to blow on you. I mean, you did point it that way, but I think you got a vent coming out. I appreciate you blowing it in my direction. It smells healthy. Oh, yeah, Chipotle. I got the guac. It smells like me making it through the almonds pretty good. But you're on the road pretty hard regularly. Yeah, I'm kind of changing it up. I just was tired by this. Like,

You see everybody hustle. Everybody's grinding. I get here and everybody's like, I got four sets tonight. I got six sets tonight. I'm like, that sounds like hell, guys. That sounds like a living hell to me. I don't like myself or hate myself enough to hear that much of my own voice. Right. And yeah, I'm not like a social media guy. So I'm like, oh, I'm actually having a lot of fun. Nobody would know because I'm not celebrating it on Instagram. Right, right. Oh, yeah, this time off.

It's pretty tight. It's pretty nice, but you have a core fan base. You've got a group that'll see you anywhere. I've got a tiny little group out there. I've gotten this big realization of there might not be superstardom, but what if I just make as much as a good electrician? Oh, that's living. What if I make just a solid living, and that's it? And then I get...

However much off I want a year. I think it's... I don't know. I agree. I get jealous of people. Like, oh, look at... Like, people are blowing up and getting all that stuff. But I'm like, but do I want to do all the stuff that they do? Exactly. It's a balance. You got to give and take. Like, a guy like Segura, you know, millions of dollars a year, arenas. I don't know if I'd want that. That worries me. I get anxiety just thinking about that. Not that I'm going that way. You know, he's very talented. But like...

I don't know. I just... That's not the direction we're choosing. Yeah. I want to fart on a pleather couch and hang with you guys. You did. You have a sponsor for this. You're crushing it, dude. Don't you have your own whiskey? Yeah. For the fart cast here? I have no sense of smell anymore because of you. You're welcome. That's a shame because there's whiskey. You know, smell is tied to taste. You can't even enjoy the product. Me or COVID. One of us fucked your smell. But...

I don't know. The fame scares the shit out of me. That just doesn't seem fun. I've opened for famous people and running through restaurants and running through airports and hiding. Thank you. I don't know. Thank you. I would say that you guys are doing pretty great. This is a good level, though. It's a nice, easy level. We get a little of the good, and you still got to do the work. Hey! Cheers. Cheers, boys. Mazel tov.

I know what Mark means, though. I mean, like, yeah, we both, like, you know, opened for Amy Schumer back in the day. I mean, she was doing arenas at the time. It is, like, a level I'm like, oh, that would be hard to stay...

I mean, how do you work out material in an arena? Right. At what point is it too big that it's unmanageable? Exactly. It's also weird to see not a high-energy act in an arena. Like, I was in St. Louis, and Chris Rock was in St. Louis, so I went to watch the show afterwards. And it's weird to see a comic doing the type of comedy Rock does in an arena. You're just used to seeing... Like, I picture, like, a Sebastian, like, high-energy type of comic. You don't picture... Like, Rock is saying, like, philosophical shit on stage...

And, you know, having to repeat the setup because it's not the type of comedy you probably would normally see in an arena. I don't think he's new to repeating setups. I think it's kind of been his thing for a while. But still, it's not the type of comedy you normally see in a venue like that, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I don't... Well...

This is, I mean, of course, coming from a place, from a guy who's still doing clubs. I don't know. I think you can get too big of a venue for comedy. It's like, what a wonderful thing to criticize. I think it's true, though. I agree. I bombed opening for the Impractical Jokers at the same venue I saw Lollapalooza in 1994. Wow. Like, I was the same stage I saw the Beastie Boys on. Oh, wow. And I'm trying to do comedy on it. I did it to myself, though. Like, even before I went on, I'm like...

I don't think this is going to work. And then I fulfilled my own destiny. You were the Hoobastank of that Lollapalooza. I was 12,000 people, but a woman walking to her seat in the front row with two beers. I was talking about, like, yeah, I saw Smashing Pumpkins. I actually fell asleep in those seats right there during Smashing Pumpkins. A woman in the front row with two beers just goes, that was a great show. Fuck you. Even though...

11,950 people didn't hear it. I was like, fuck this whole crowd. I don't give a shit anymore. Bombing in an arena, I've done it. That silence is powerful. I had the sweat dripping down my back. I had the dry mouth. Brutal. I might do something else. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like shell-shocked in the green room after. I was like, oh my God, I couldn't shake it. That crowd is tough though too. The Joker. I bombed in front of the Jokers. Have you? It's like... This makes me feel better. It's kids. Well, yeah. They're not... It's like a family thing. They're like, we're here for the Jokers. There's not a stand-up crowd. Yeah. And they're settled. It's 12,000 people outside getting settled with their...

merch and beach balls and drinks. And you're like, no, no, listen, it's the way the words, it's an enunciation joke. There's subtlety to it. I've watched a lot of your shit and it's pretty bulletproof. So if it's not working for that person, it's not a comedy. Oh man, you should have been at most of my sets this week. Where were you? I bounce around here. I just like, I'll do like some drop-in sets.

But it's like, I don't have my sea legs out here. And I get in my own way. I get in my own head because I'm like, oh, I got to be like edgy because it's New York. But then I'm on like, I still get booked on like the sensitive alternative shows. I'm like, wrong choice. And then I'll not know that I'm on the edgy show. And I'm like, you guys ever just...

just think about life and get pensive. I'm like, wrong show. Like I did not, I didn't get here in time. I wanted to read the room. I didn't have the chance. We were talking about this earlier. I felt like I started in the Creek and the Brooklyn shows and the whiplash and all that shit. I was like club here.

And you were clubby. I had to work off some club stank and he had to work off some alt stank. Oh, yeah. Big time. Where's the middle? I think we're all kind of getting to the middle at this point because we're working the road. Exactly. If you live in the city, you have your little niche here. Right. Like, I do these rooms. I do those rooms.

And now it's like, well, no, I do the runs that pay me for a living. And I kind of got to win new people over in those rooms. I got to win over the dates. But you hear the stories about like Louis and Marin and Attell when they were coming up here in like the 90s. They did all the rooms. I think that's what we all want it to be is, you know. Yeah. You want to be funny for everybody. Yeah.

I think I just want to quit. Oh, come on. Come on, you want to back off, live in the country? But that's the thing, you're so goddamn prolific. Like, you always have new shit, and a lot of it. Like, it takes me so long to come up with new material and hone it and refine it, but you always are pumping it out. I mean...

Yeah, I really like stand-up. Same. Like, I really love it. But, like, the part I love about it is coming up with new stuff. Yeah. Like, once something works, you're like, okay, that's good to have. Yeah. But now, can I top it? Exactly. And it's like, that's why I...

I guess that's why I keep going. I can't do like, I'm, you know, I can't like turn my life into the reality show with the phone. All I could do is turn out new material. Cause that's the part that I'm attracted to in all of it. And, uh, you know, for better or worse, it's, it's hell sometimes. Sure. Cause you go for like,

two months without writing a new bit you're like it's over yeah that's the worst i spot i stripped the gear yeah i'm done now people don't realize a new joke is like an invention you have to invent something out of thin air or something has to happen to you and you have to make it funny and you have to tie it all up and has to make sense and have a good ending and a turn that they didn't see coming i mean it's it's tough it's what you said about doing the four sets a night like mark and i are definitely guilty of being those types of people and i think we there's something we

battle with or like we forget to live life sometimes to have shit to write about and I don't think it's bad to do four sets a night because you guys are gonna go you guys gotta like my short game's gone oh really I don't have a short game that's scary at all I'm spoiled I got doing an hour it's ten minutes of me

You know, kicking pebbles around the stage. You're here for me. Everybody loves me. And then I get here and I'm just like getting the light and I'm just like opening my notes. Like I don't have a quick zingers that I need them. The sellers are tough sometimes because you'll be following some new guy and you're like, fuck, this dude's really good. Yeah. And we're going there trying to work on shit. And it's like some new dude and you're like, this dude's playing the fucking hits. Oh, yeah. And my first five minutes now are going to be like...

you know, in the shitter. And then you're like, it's a 10 minute set. I got lit at eight for some reason. The show's behind. Right. And now I just had a bad set. Yeah. And then your ego's hurt. And then the young guy's going, he's, he's the good one. Come on. I'm the man. Okay. Can you do tomorrow night? New material. Oh shit. Sorry. Exactly. On the road too. You get like, I want to give local features an act. Yeah. Cause I, I, I mean, I do bring people like a lot of time also, but,

But you hear them like, yeah, there's no way to get feature work in these towns because everybody brings their own feature. I'm like, all right, do some weekends. Like, yeah, let's see who they got. And then I'm like, oh,

oh, you got some big hitters in this town. Right. And this is their gig. This is their big gig at the club. I'm like, God damn it. This is why I got to bring my own feature. But I also want to bring people that are still a challenge to follow too. For sure. I bring Gary Veeder and it's like just killer deadpan jokes. So it's like they're low energy. They have to listen. Yeah, that's perfect. I love his jokes. I had Sam Talent coming out with me. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing myself? I quit comedy every night.

He is a force. Yeah, I used to have Sean Patton come out. Before Sean Patton was Sean... And I'd sit there... I quit comedy, I think, three times on tour with Sean Patton. Like, legit. Like, we'd be at a bar after. I'm like, don't talk to me. Yeah. I gotta go listen to this musician play some sad songs in the corner because my career's over. Yeah. And I get back underneath it. And you're like, well, everybody's here to have fun. And I get in my head about stuff. Sean Patton, criminally underrated...

Look up his stuff if you don't know him. One of the best comics. I've done road gigs with him where I'm like, you headline. Because he's just so high energy and imaginative and he's all over the place. And unique. And the story's like twist and turn. And then, yeah, I was watching the other night and I was just like, that's the thing. I don't watch a lot of specials anymore, but if I'm at the club and I'm following someone, sometimes I'll watch. Sure. And I was just like laughing out loud. Oh, yeah. He'll say some horrific shit where you're like, where's this going? Yeah.

Yeah, that's exciting. It's some premise about it. You know that a lot of women orgasm when they give birth? I'm like, oh, goddammit, dude. What? I mean, I have faith in you, but...

fuck, man, why'd you make us all realize that? And then it was crowd work. Would you want your mother to have an orgasm? Which I'm like, this is so hard to watch. And then it was hilarious. Yeah, he knows what he's doing. But, oh, that's great. Yeah, Patton. But Patton Oswalt, different Patton, years ago said that about you. I don't know if he knew that. He's like, you used to open for him. And he was like, this guy's killing too hard, and it's making it hard for me. Well, I knew it was...

Like what you guys said, you guys like Schumer and everybody, like people before, like, I'm not going to pull tricks, but this is a crowd that's here, especially for Pat. And I was like, this is a crowd. These are like comedy fans. Like these are the people are going to, if they like you, they're going to follow you. Yeah. Yes. And I'm like, these are extra important people to do well in front of. So I was like, and that's my, like, that's my advice to open her. Like, don't do, you know, don't hot dog anything. Yeah. But...

you should try to bury me. Yeah. Cause, cause then, then you win. It's a constant, like knockoff, you know, you know, whatever sports metaphor, knockoff, king of the circle type shit. Like, Oh, you did good. Then you should be getting paid for the headlining spot. Like that's what you should be doing. And like, that's what we thought of when we were features. I said that. And then Sam talents like, Oh yeah. I'm like, all right, Sam, come on out. I'm like,

I gotta shut the fuck up sometimes. There's something great about being in the green room when you're like, damn, this guy's fucking murdering. And you're like, all right. And you kind of have to wake up a little and go, all right, I gotta do this now. Yeah. I was on the road and James Webb will film my sets and he directed my last special. And I was like, we should give a local guy a spot. Do you know any local guys here? And he was like, I got the guy. He's the best fucking comic. You never heard of this dude. He's a fucking killer.

And then he's like, I'm calling him. You're going to have trouble following me. I was like, is he coming? He goes, he quit. He quit comedy. Some of those guys burned out. Do you remember who it was? I forgot his name. Was it Chicago? It was Austin. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Damn. But it was just like, he just came and hung, but I was like, this is so funny. He like built them up. I was like, I kind of wanted to see it. Joe Rogan quit. Wow. How about that? It's about time. Joe Rogan started. Who knew? Okay. Hey, who's here to make friends? I had that. Sam went-

Oh, okay. All right. I'll catch up. Whoa. Easy, Big Papa. All right. I've only got a set in seven hours. We'll see how this goes. This is our second show, by the way. Yeah, Sam was like... I was doing some gig where there was a curtain in the bathroom. I do all these...

Or I used to do like, I got to do these punk venues. And then you get there, you're like, this is not a good place for comedy. The bathroom is behind the stage and there's a curtain and Sam's back there and I'm on stage and I'm not doing well because I got one of my long drawn out bullshit stories. And there's just a guy seeing Sam's like, that was just so, it was like amazing. Like I've never seen comedy that funny. And I'm on stage and the audience can hear that guy. That's great. Threw me with a microphone and finally I just got to open the curtain like, I'm right here. I'm right here.

Like, the show's not over, man. Damn. I've had a million of those. The worst one, I think I've told you this before. I'm shitting at Comedy Works. I'm hosting. Pete Holmes is featuring. And Amy Schumer is headlining. It's all sold out. I did okay. Pete Holmes annihilates. Like, the roof came off. And then she's killing. And these guys are washing their hands. I'm shitting in the stall. And they're like, man, that guy in the middle, the tall guy, he was amazing.

and the other guy's like I know I know and they're like and she's killer too I'm dying over here and he goes what about the host and I was like and I go he sucks my pants are on my ankles I'm totally vulnerable and I go I thought it

I thought it was pretty good. I'm trying to like chime in. Did you come out or no? No, I couldn't go out. It happened to me once on the road. Did you take your shoes off so they couldn't see them and held them up out of sight so they couldn't recognize you? Yeah, I lifted. The same thing happened to me. Years ago, I was doing like a private gig with Al Lubell was headlining. Oh, wow. And he was hilarious. Like really had killer jokes and they were like weird one-liners and

a unique guy like that killing this stiff crowd I was like this is pretty damn impressive yeah I sucked and I was in the I was in the bathroom I heard them just saying how bad I was and I was like I was waiting but they took forever I was like fuck it I gotta I gotta face them I said hey and they're like sorry I'm like ah

Let that be a lesson about talking shit without looking under the stalls. Yeah. Now they just do it online to the whole world. Yeah, yeah. It'll be a faceless comment. Yeah, a lot of mean comments. I got to stop reading them because I'm like, hey, nice, nice. I know not to respond back, but I still read them. I hate myself for it. Yeah, I can't stop. Mark reads them all. He reads every comment. Yeah, I get through a lot of them. What's your ratio of like...

How you feel of good comments to bad, like a hundred good comments, one bad comment erased a hundred good comments. I'm like, yeah, it's a hundreds about right. It's like, Oh, why, why am I like this? Well, it's the guy in the front row doing this, you know, you're killing, but that one guy, it's like your arena lady, you're focused on her. Do you look at the crowd?

No, I go right over the head. Yeah, I look at the lights because then if I do look at the crowd, I've already blinded myself. Oh, that's pretty good. So I'd rather risk my own vision rather than human interaction. Also, if I look at them, I feel like they go, ha-ha. Like, oh, he's looking at us. We have to laugh. And I don't want that fake smile. You know, I'd rather get a real laugh. Yeah. But sometimes you look and you're like, I don't know. I just want to make sure they're having fun. Sure. I guess that's.

I'll use my ears for that and then my eyes. I'll just listen. Yeah. And then if they heckle, I go, all right, well, now I have to judge you to tear apart your appearance. Yeah. See, I can't. You guys dip into the crowd. I still won't do it. I did it before the internet stuff just because I don't know it. No, I know. I've been loud on the internet how I feel about crowd work clips, but I also know who's been doing it and knew it as part of it.

the first thing you do in comedy like open mic where you from no no no no this is material time it's like when people would just like have a

they'd be like great roasters, but they didn't have five minutes about themselves. Yes, that was an epidemic. No, I think I'd do it, but I did it because I was like, you know, I was a big Dangerfield fan growing up and I would like listen to Dangerfield. He would dip into the crowd and it was because of his rhythm, I think. And I was like, oh, I love that, you know? And you know, I think if you have short jokes, it helps the show. It breaks it up a little. Yeah. I saw Don Rickles before he died. Whoa. That's like watching somebody old do comedy and you're kind of nervous. Like he started repeating a couple bits and there's a couple like...

But then he just looked in the front row at this couple. He's like, what are you holding their hand for? Nobody's fighting over. Because everybody was kind of like, all right, we're watching this old guy kind of do the thing. And he busted that. Like, he's still got it. He's still excited. Like, fucking Rickles, baby. And then he had it six months later. Was the show good? It was. I mean, for somebody that's like, oh, it's Don Rickles. And so you saw those glimmers of Rickles.

Like what Don Rickles always was. You were excited for that. But a lot of it was like, he said this one already. Yeah. Okay, that one's... Wow. He was banging on the stage with the thing. I got to get him to row faster. I'm like, yowza. And everybody else is kind of like, he's old. Let him have it. Just let him... We know he means well. Yeah. That's going to be a sad day when you see Dave Attell start slipping. You're like, oh no, we're all getting old. Yeah.

Dave Attell, the fastest gun in the West, is just like, so, Jaeger. Like, oh, I said Jaeger already. That set has to have happened at, like, you know, everybody has an off night. I've done it. I've done it too drunk. When you'd have to do, like, the St. Louis Funny Bone or whatever, like when they do the three shows. Yes. Or Zany's, the three shows. Those are the ones where I'd, like, by the show three, I'd be like, I think I've said this one. I've watched people do it. I used to go to Zany's in downtown Chicago just to watch and then.

watch somebody on the third show

everybody in there is fall-down drunk. The room is as big as a train car. Yeah. And the guy stays like, I have five. And they're like, you said it already. Fuck you. You'll listen again then. You'll listen again. This is my pursuit. This is my dream. Weird goal. I've chosen a weird goal. It's the smallest room, but it's still one of the best rooms. It's a great room. It's still one of my favorite rooms. I need to revisit it because when I started there, they weren't really putting up the way. The locals were a lot of weirdos.

That now turned in, you know, you got your Pete Holmes and your Hannibal and stuff like that. But at the time, it was... That was your class as those guys? Yeah, yeah. Your class is insane, by the way. Was Nick Vatterot always a little after you? No, Vatterot was the same time. I love that. We love it. He's underrated. Nick's very funny. Vatterot got...

That was a big one. Sorry, folks. I love Adirondack. Did you have to? No, don't back away from what you did. All right. Did you have to stand up for it? Well, it wouldn't come out with the pleather. It's almost like that would be better. It's almost like that would be good. I would have imploded.

It was sealed. It's not coming this way yet, so I feel good. Oh, it went north. It's the little things to be grateful about. It's all right. That's my hotbed. My ice melted. It's like global warming. Killing the ice caps. Yeah. It gave me more drinks, so I guess that's a good thing. The louder it is, actually, the less it stinks, I think. I don't know about that. All right. I don't think there's a correlation. I think it's that way with comics. The louder they are, the more they stink. Yeah.

Oh my God. When a comic's screaming, it fucking kills me. Oh, it's unnecessary. I was at the bar at the Cellar the other night where you're just like, they have four rooms now. So like, I don't know if you've been to the Fab Black bar. They have a bar show and just hanging and a comic screaming. I'm like, fuck. Yeah. When it messes with your ears, you're like, I don't get what you're doing. I know. I think it just means they're not that good. So they have to get your attention by screaming. I don't know. That's tough. Yeah.

But I got a zany story. So were you not allowed in there? Did you struggle to get breakthrough or get passed? I was allowed in the building. Well, you don't have to be. Were you passed? No, it was like they had their hosts that were great hosts that didn't do stand-up anywhere else. And then they had their features that occasionally got to do headlining spots that they were like kind of,

curating to become a star and then the traveling headliners so all the local guys and we were all doing goofball shit you got like a vat right like and so we'd get to do guest spots like the manager martin was always awesome and he'd like always ask the headliner we got a guy we like i would do guest spots but i was never gonna get booked because i was a lousy mc yeah and it was one of those things like well we can't put you past right to a feature and

And so it's just, it wasn't like it wasn't the goal. It was kind of looked at as like, oh, that's just what the old people do. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Cause I, uh, I did the open mic there and I don't know if you've heard this, this thing where you go to the open mic and you have to get there at a certain time. And if you're late, the owner yells at you and makes an example out of you in front of everyone. Yeah. And I, that was me.

So I couldn't get in. The door was locked. And I was like, ah, he's just like, you got to be here at six. You got to be here at six. I was like, if you're a minute late, don't even come in. And I was, you know, it's five fifty six. I'm banging on the door. No one's answering. And so I run around the back and that door is locked. I'm like, what the fuck? Is this a trick? And the door swings open and some waitress with a cigarette. She's like, what do you want? I'm like, I'm here for the open mic. She's like, oh, you're late. I'm like, it's five fifty eight. She's like, yeah, you got to be here early. And I'm like, OK, I run upstairs.

You know Bert. I don't know if I should say his name. Bleep that. Give the shit. All right. He's gone now. But it's in this room, the green room, and all the comics are there. And they all have manila folders with their headshot and their resume. And I'm like, oh, I don't have that. So he's like, you're late. How dare you? You come in here. You disrespect my club. You disrespect me. Everybody else got here early. And he goes, where's your headshot? I go, I don't have a headshot. He goes, and you don't have a headshot. You make.

be sick you're never gonna work in this town again I ought to tell your family you're a piece of shit whatever and I'm like ah and all the other comics are like oh fuck this is bad and I leave and I was like coming to tears I was like so angry and I was like I should have chewed that guy out fuck him cut to

Six years later, I feature there. And he doesn't remember me. And he's like, hey, welcome to the club. I had a good set. And he was like, we're going to pass you or whatever. So I got passed to the club. But I felt like Jean Valjean. You know, like I got back in and I was the mayor of the town. But he didn't know who he would know. I was the jail guy. I...

I was there when they didn't even have an open mic because they didn't want people running around saying they played zanies. You know, people will just say that. They'll just lie. They're comedians. They'll just lie. Oh, that happens. You've seen this guy on Comedy Central. When I went back, made my bones, went back as a headliner...

And was on stage and I, you know, that's like, that's a clubby room. It's a quick get them room. And I was even worse with my long stories of like, well, if you miss the detail at the beginning, you're not going to understand the middle. Like I was pretty up my own ass. Yeah. But I'm doing it. It's a late show. It's going all right. All of a sudden, all the way back in the bar here.

going on. Uh-oh. I'm like, ah, what's happening? Somebody just goes, fight. Ah. And I'm like, all right, what's the story? Like, it's cops. Oh. And Nate Bargatze was just hanging out in the back. He was just all the way in the back by the nacho cheese. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, it was like, this is the most Chicago bullshit thing. Because that place was notorious for being like this spot that was paid off. Oh.

Oh, like back in the day. And so these cops got in with their dates and they're on the back and some guys, you know, sitting there. It's a very small place. And this gal tried to go to the bathroom and I guess like tripped over his foot and was just shitty to him about it. She wasn't looking where she was going.

He's like, why don't you fucking watch where you put your legs? He's like, why don't you stop being a bitch? And then a guy goes, you can't say that I'm a cop. He's like, yes, I can. Oh, boy. That's not what you can do as a cop. And then shit went down. And then the regular cops showed up to support their buddies. Clearly put the dude who was in the right, put him in cuffs. Now they're leading everybody. I'm on stage the whole time. Now they're leading people out through the front door, which is right next to the stage. And I had friends from my hometown in the front row. I'm like, yeah, this is what...

It looks like when my dreams come true. So proud to tell people, like, yeah, that was like a big marker. Like, your headline is it? Like, just for people that didn't know anything. Of course, yeah. And like, man, I just kind of shout over bar fights. Yeah, but that doesn't happen at Katz, you know, or Les Mis, or Wicked. You know, these cops coming in and fighting a lady. Again, I think it has to. There's got to be a story about somebody yelling at Katz. Like, somebody getting booted out of Katz. I hope. I'd love to hear it.

I guess they don't do crowd work about it. I did go see Rock of Ages in Las Vegas. That was fun. Fantastic. Nobody's going to like this movie or play. Musical. Yeah. You know what it is, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And one guy would like- It's like Def Leppard and stuff. Yeah. It's a musical about the Sunset Strip in the 80s. Oh, I didn't know that. It's my wheelhouse. That's cool. And-

There was a guy that was just so drunk, he just kept thinking it was a concert and he kept standing up to sing the songs. Like, sir, you can't interrupt the performance. He's like, we're fucking playing the tunes, man. And he kept telling me, I'm like, I'm kind of on his side. They're doing a good job. It's in one of these big arenas in Vegas. There's like 50 people in there. Oh.

I was doing a, I was doing punk rock bull, like a punk rock festival. I was sick of punk rock at that point in the week. And I'm like, I'm going to see rock ages by myself. Yeah. I'm with these, like, you know, the older ladies and taking in a show. They think I'm going through a thing. Cause I'm at a Vegas show alone. And then they get to the ballads and I'm like drunk and kind of feeling like the journey tunes, maybe like getting emotional. Yeah. And this one lady just kept knocking over my beer cause she's dancing. Right. And then I'm leaving. They're like, I'm so sorry, honey. And they like,

she gives me like 50 bucks. I'm like, I'm not, I'm fine. They're like, everybody's fine. They really thought, they thought I got dumped and had to go sing 80s rock tunes. Ha ha ha.

Best show of the weekend. There you go. I love the guy who thinks it's a concert. He thinks it's a lady at Cats with like two cats. She's like, I thought that's what we did here. We just show up with our cats. I wish. Something like that happens. The run of these performers, like every comedian has a story about shit going wrong. Musicians have something crazy. I guess so. Broadway's got its batch of fucking movies. It's got to. I hope.

I would dress up like cats to go to cats. Yeah. People do that, right? Somebody must be in a Hamilton outfit, like a full-on, you know... Well, if that's as bad as it gets, then they're fucking lucky. I would think there's some bad shit that happens. But I feel like most of their stories are like, I lost my voice and I still did the show. I feel like it's much less about hecklers, right? Yeah, I don't think they get heckled a ton. I really came around on musical theater.

Do you go to it just as a thing to do because you're in New York? You're like, let's go take a show. I grew up with it. You're from here, but I love musicals. My mom loved that stuff. But if I'm dating the girls into it, I don't go with my guy friends. But if there's a girl that I'm dating. But it's like a thing to do. Yeah. It's like, hey, let's do something silly. Go see a show. Yeah. I didn't grow up with it at all. I go and I see how much effort is put in. It makes you feel so small as a comedian.

To see like all these people not only learn lines, but are singing them and know where to stand. Yes. So this giant prop doesn't come and knock them off the stage. Then they run. Then they change costumes. Somebody made the costume. Yes. I look at all that and I think about how like, oh, I'm pretty tired. I don't know if I want to get a shot. Get the.

Oh, I mean, we can live way harder. We can go on stage hungover. We can go on stage feeling like shit. You see, I saw Company on Broadway. It's amazing. It's a great show. But can you look up the woman's name in it? She's famous. You'd know her name if you heard it. I bought tickets with my dad. He fucking loved it. Company? Yeah. It's so fucking... It's like fun. It's Sondheim. It's funny. It's great music. God, what's it? Patti LuPone. Oh, LuPone. She's got to be in her 60s, but she's moving around the whole time. And I'm like, that's...

It's incredible. I couldn't do that. Oh, yeah. These people all have like Juilliard. They dance. They sing. They got it all. They're so talented. Where's your... Like, speak of that, like, what's your life then? Do you like get up and do stuff during the day? I think they dance. Oh, you mean... They go ballet and shit. But I mean, like, during the day, is that... Do you have... I think they have to be really careful and just really healthy, probably. Yeah. Go to the gym, maybe. Like, light. Light gym. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, this is like you're an astronaut. Like your life is about training to do the thing. Yes. And then you do the thing. And then you get shot into space. Yes. Or you're on Broadway for four months. And people come from Cleveland and all these places to watch it. And they pay hundreds of dollars to see you high kick. But this definitely shows. That's stressful. I'm going to get over the fact that I bombed for seven minutes the other night at a Two Boots Pizza. I'm not going to take it so personal now. Yeah.

No fault of Two Boots. It was a lovely slice. But we could definitely perform longer than them. Although she's 74 and still at it. She's 74? She looks good. Perform longer like how? Well, I'm just saying because we have a one-man band. It's just us. So we can go on. You know, Rickles is up there at 88 or 90, you know. That's what comics can do.

I mean, it's probably harder to get cast the older you get, but I mean, she's been working forever. What was her TV credit? I know her face. She looks like Janet Reno. What was the Corky TV show? Life Goes On? Was that her? Was she Life Goes On? Whoa, no wonder I'm hard. I haven't seen that in years. For which part of life goes on?

Hard for Corky? Oh, yeah. I got a fetish. Hey, guys. Peter's here, producer for We Might Be Drunk. I want to talk to you for a second about WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. It's the merch store. It's the website. It's so much stuff.

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is the place to go. Back to the show. Go Bills. Hey, we love Liquid Death, baby. It's that Liquid Death mountain water flavored sparkling water iced tea. I love a Tallboy can. It's a non-alcoholic choice that you can enjoy anywhere with flavors like Reston Peach and Armless Palmer. Hey, that's fun. It's good stuff. It's seltzer. It's really good. So good. Tallboy, who are we? Kevin Spacey? Ha ha ha.

It's a gift that keeps on giving. Now, all these sparkling drinks, I mean, like, you know, New York Jew, it's a stereotype, but we love this stuff. It's just good, good, clean living right here. Yeah, you can mix it with cocktails if you want to have a little booze in there, but it tastes great. They go down easy. A nice summer drink, and we drink them on here all the time. Drink a liquid death. Crack a can here. I'm going to pop one right now. What is this one right here? You got iced tea, it looks like. Iced tea? Woo!

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I love a forehead. Life goes on. There it is. Wow.

What a pull. I wonder what Corky's doing these days. Yeah, pull up Corky. He's probably passing the cellar at this point. What is that? You don't know life goes on? I've never seen that. What? Oh, wow. You had a good childhood. There he is. Yeah, that's Corky. I'm telling you, it's all head. He's not Irish. It's what you think. It's not. He had a lot of moves. He got good credits. Whoa, he did Mona Lisa smile? Come on. This guy's killing it. Big Cork.

Chris Burke. What was his show? Big Court. He was the special needs guy in Life Goes On. Yeah, like Down Syndrome fella. Yeah, head of the game. 89.

Yeah, we're older than you. I think he ever gets mad at being typecast. I mean, he's not going to play the born identity. You don't? Maybe stillborn. You never know. All right. Jesus Christ. Sorry. Woo! We're having fun. Oh, yeah. So you must love the... I'll throw another drink on after that one. Yeah, get this guy to... There you go. Thank you.

Beard you. Now, you must be happy about the YouTube game we all got going on here. We're all doing a bunch of YouTube hours over here. Same website where kids open new Legos. Ha, ha, ha.

That's what holds my career in a tan. A few more million hits than us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys are millionaires. Unbridled enthusiasm for those Lego sets. Good for them. They're not jaded by life. I don't think that'll end well, but for now, they're having a great time. But it's a nice option. No, yeah, I'm making jokes about it. Just let it be out there. Yeah. Let's put it out on the labels like we want to shop because labels spent money on it. They want to shop it around. I'm like, it's going to go on YouTube. Yeah. I'll tell you now.

It's going to go to YouTube. Yeah. Every streaming service has three of this. Oh, right. They have this guy. Right. So I'm not going to be the guy. But I just think YouTube does better. Yeah. I mean, there's like prestige, I guess, on that, but I don't... Who cares? Yeah, I mean, I do think YouTube is kind of the best place for a special now. We want eyeballs. Yeah. That's it. I forget, like...

It took me a while to realize that people watch YouTube like TV. Oh, yeah. Because I'm like an old man that's not sitting there doing it. But yeah, people put it on TV and just sit there. I'm like still looking at it on my phone thinking like, well, people are going to watch the whole special on the phone. No, they put it on their TV. They're more – they know how HDMI cables work in their home. And they can put – I'm like, oh, yeah, people do that. I'm the one –

Because I think I live a certain way. That's how everybody lives. Exactly. And we're getting older, so it's a whole new generation. I'm hanging out with my niece. I put on TV. She's like, what is this? And I'm flipping through it. She's like, this is a waste of time. And she's right. I'm like, infomercial, weather, lifetime, oxygen. But she's doing the same thing on Netflix. She's just scrolling. She can't decide what to watch on Netflix. True, but it's not like C-SPAN and all this other boring, worthless stuff. I'm not stopping on the...

car restoration show. Spike. Just because this is what I've convinced myself I like because I'm sick of looking for something in a hotel room. Right, right. Like, I don't want to see him get this Honda up and running. There's a FanDuel network. There's like networks you've never heard of. I know. Encore, Stars, all that shit. And...

And it's just such a... It's so primitive. You just feel like, oh, this is like a VCR now or something. But there's something fun about... I just got cable back for the first time and I never had cable. It's been forever. Yeah. And it's like there's something fun about coming into Cape Fear halfway through. That's true. That's true. There's something kind of cool about that. It's like the radio now. This is one of the lonelier things I've ever realized. But sometimes I like...

If I haven't been on the road in a while and I turn on the TV and Mario Lopez is there, I'm like, oh, hey, Mario, I haven't seen you in a while. Like, oh, my pal Mario is going to tell me what's happening on TV today. Like, oh, good to see you're still at it. Right, that's some real road shit. Yeah. You know, like A.C. Slater, we grew up together. I like that you're still doing this, whatever it is. Can you imagine if Screech were still alive and he was doing the road and he just turned that on? He's like, oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, good point. Yeah. He went to porn. He went to comedy.

Yeah. Did you ever work with Screech? No. Did you? No. Dustin Diamond. I remember. I did a porn with him once. Yeah. Well, that's how we, you know. That was the level. People don't understand the hustle, you know. That was a. It was an unpaid porn spot. What's the sketchiest thing you did early on thinking it was going to. Oof.

I almost wore a giant penis costume. Really? For like the early days of the internet where it was like just put out anything like 2003 or something. Whoa. We're going to put you in this giant penis costume. You're going to go out and you'll be on like the Santa Monica Pier interviewing people. And I was just like, I don't. Good for you, man. I would have done it. Yeah. And then I talked to, thank you. Gracias. Oh, you didn't do it though? No. It's like one of the few things my dad was like, I don't know. Yeah.

You got a good dad. I did a dating show that was really embarrassing. This guy was like, he saw my comedy. He's like, I'll pay you if you do this.

dating you just go on a couple dates and be funny on it and i was like okay and then i was like this is so bad i saw it this is so fucking oh really yeah yeah i was on a car ride with a guy he was a comic and he was like what do you think about me doing naked and afraid i got an offer and i was like don't do it that's crazy you're gonna be naked on tv for the rest of your life and he's like i already did it you idiot so he's on that i never yeah that that show i was like what's the

What's the point of all this? So the show is that he's stuck in the woods or something? Yeah. Real sunburned, eating leeches? Yeah. A lot of mosquitoes. How much money do you get if you win? Is there winning? Was it the same guy every week or is it a new person? Wait, actually, this is the one where you're naked on a dating show. Maybe I'll get the name wrong. What's the one on the dating show? It's like naked. It could still be naked and afraid for the woman, it might be. Right. Right.

There's a naked attraction? Maybe that was it. I don't know. Either way, it was on VH1, and it was a real dating naked. That was it. He did that. And he's a good-looking guy, but... Is it stand-up? Can we look through the credits and see what it is? Oh, yeah. It was Doug Key. Really? Yeah, yeah. Why'd he do that? It's TV. You know, TV is so alluring when you're a young comic. Do they blur your dick? Yeah, they do. See? A lot of blurring. But somewhere out there, it's not blurred. Yeah, in Europe. Yeah.

China everything's blurred. Yeah, Japan. Yeah, they blur the porn over there. That's you just make Japanese porn There's nothing at risk. That's not bad. You'll stand out Well, the number one is like all reality shows are gonna be every like just like I was glad I didn't do anything Where it was like my name? Yeah Boom there. Yeah, that's our buddy. He's in good shape. He's a very good shape. That's he's a

It didn't help him or hurt him, so it was fine. No, I had a friend who went on Judge Judy. Whoa, that seems kind of fun. I think that's kind of funny. Were they in on it? Yeah. Oh, no, they knew that she was a comic and they knew the other guy was a comic. Oh, that's great. It was pretty funny, actually. Some of them seem kind of real, and some of them are straight clown ass, and I think it's a healthy mix. Jerry Springer, R.I.P. to that guy. That was like a mix of...

sketch people in Chicago would get booked on it but then my sister's friend was the talent wrangler oh boy for some of and she's like

Like, not all of it. Some of them are the real deal. Wow. And as a talent wrangler, just her at 5 in the morning, like, I'm going out for cigarettes. Like, you can't leave the hotel. It's like, you know, they're going out to get drugs or fight hookers. Like, please don't. We have to have you at the studio in two hours. Kind of like, oh, that sounds like hell. Like, oh, I'm going to get a gig at Showbiz. And then your talent wrangler for Jerry Springer chasing people around the streets.

because they're looking for fucking mental lights. I spent a whole morning with him once because he... Really? When Jim and Sam were doing like... They were like, we're on vacation. Will you guest host? It'd be you and Jerry Springer. And I was like, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. And then they were like, you can bring a friend. So I just brought Greg Stone with us. Sure. And he was the nicest dude. Like, I loved him. Oh, yeah. He was a politician. He was a country singer. He's lived, that guy. Yeah. He was a country singer? Yeah. I didn't know that. For a while, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if you try to pay for a hooker with a check as the mayor of a town. That sounds like a country song. Yeah, I was going to say, you're going to get a country song out of that. You're going to get at least one. There he goes. Can we play a few tunes? Oh, that's like later in life. Oh, yeah. I think he's Jewish. I mean, he is. He is Jewish. The rare country singing Jew. Doc to Doc. Oh, so he was capitalizing off of the show already. I tried so hard.

Sorry, Jerry. Yeah. I just want to tackle him like a show. Yeah, you don't have a... You know, on the show, they all said, before you go out there, you know, you can't fight. You're not allowed to fight on the show. And they all go, oh, of course, of course. Then they would fight immediately. Every time. But they wanted to have fun. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The bouncer got his own show. Steve.

I watched a lot of Springer. That was the guy's name, Steve. Yeah. Big bald guy. Yeah, and he got his own show. He's just a clumsy weirdo. Yeah. That's how big that show was, that you could spin off characters. Security got a gig. Yeah, exactly. So you're cheating on him. That was the extent of that show. That was it. Was him kind of disapproving. Yes. Steve Wilkins. There he is.

Wow. Is Steve Harvey doing a judge show? No. Judge Steve Harvey. Jesus Christ. That guy's cashing in. Mm-hmm. I've always... What do you think the health regimen of somebody at that... That guy's all over. You're doing five TV shows. Mm-hmm. What kind of access... Or like a Madonna or somebody that's 60 and going to do a stadium tour. Like...

What are you taking to do that? I know. I want to know about rich people...

You talking about like a paycheck? Black market health care. No, no, health care. Oh, I see. You mean like workout regimens? He's a trainer. She's a doctor. Or maybe that's just how lazy I am. How are you doing like two things in the day? What's your secret, Date Time Drinks? I saw a thing that Nikki Glaser posted the other day, and she was like, I'm on Jimmy Fallon's singing show. I was like, Jimmy Fallon has a singing show? Yeah, take a breather. I'm like, what is this guy? Having your own late night show is a lot of work. Oh.

Oh, yeah, right. Is it another show? These guys never stop or they'll die. Yeah, Seacrest was going coast to coast for gigs. Yeah.

I think that, well, first of all, they're all on Ozembic. You know about this? What's that? The weight loss drug. The weight loss drug. That's how Barkley lost all that weight. You got to do a needle, you know. Oh, really? Yeah. A lot of people took it. I mean, he just shed weight. I think Shaq took it, too. Yeah, they have the Kardashians. They both look great. But that's not Mark Wahlberg was like. He's like, you shouldn't do that. You know, you should fucking wake up at 4 a.m. like me. Yeah. You should just punch a brick wall. You should just blind a Vietnamese. It gives me abs.

Abs the guilt eats away the fat because I know I might not go to heaven. Yeah, everybody's got their own. I mean, Biden and Trump, I think, are hooked on Adderall. That's like presidential. You wake up, here's five shots, a bunch of pills. As a president, you're going to fly to this country. You're going to fly here. You're going to run the country. Or is it secretly the easiest gig because everybody else is in charge? Exactly. And you're like, just speaking every day, though, has got to be hard. Yeah.

That's what we do. We do it. And it is. I know, but they've got more eyeballs. I'm pretty tired of it. True. Yeah, I'm going to shut the fuck up for about a month after this run. You're doing a lot of podcasting. Yeah, my voice already sounds like this, and now it echoes in my head. It's not great. It's not the acoustics you desire.

The press for a special is so much harder than stand-up. Oh, it's a nightmare. Because the stand-up is fun. The press, it feels like... I mean, this doesn't feel like work because we get drunk on it, but doing other podcasts, I'm like, holy shit, it's a lot. You've got to drum up stuff. Well, and it's like...

What's like if it's like, well, what's the bit that we're doing? Or if I don't know people. Right. I think I can get to be impersonable. We're talking about being introverts and everything. It's like, all right, we got to do this. Yeah. Did you see that beer commercial that they made with AI? No. Pull it up. It's like grotesque kind of like everything's off like how when AI does stuff. That's what like comedy podcasting feels like to me.

I'm just like, it's all. This is us and AI. No, it was a commercial before the fake commercial that the robots made. Oh, my gosh. Oh, weird. Yeah, just the faces. Whoa. Yeah. Freaky. This is what. This gives me hope, though, that AI is not good yet. Not yet, but this is all fake. And this is just, this is what doing press feels like to me. Yes, that's great. That's great.

Whoa, this is weird. I don't like this. This is dream shit. Yeah, it's kind of creepy, right? Oh, my God. Yeah, pause it there. What are they doing? What's going on? What the fuck? What beer was that? I think they made up a beer. Oh, there's Will Smith. Oh, my God. I don't like this shit. It makes me feel weird. Yeah. Yeah, it should. I hope that it makes more people feel weird. Yeah. And we aren't, like, sexy enough, you know? Right, right.

We got to get back to that Twins commercial. Yeah, and Twins. We keep playing that Twins. Remember that commercial? What? Pull that one up, Matt. Was it Coors? The Coors Light commercial. We were just talking about how Bud Light had the Dylan Mulvaney thing, and we're just like, let's look at some beer ads from the early 2000s and how different they were. Pull this one up. Wildly different. Yeah. Look how much things have changed. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a Kid Rock video. Yes! With the twins. That's the punch. With the twins. Wow. This is...

That was a different time. What year was that? I think 2001. Somebody at an advertising firm did not think that was funny at all. They're like, crushed it, team. Yeah. Fellas, you nailed it. I think this ad is why 9-11 happened. I think that's why they attacked us. I could understand. Their values are incorrect. They don't align with Muhammad's.

The way they just pander, though. Here's to football. It's like, holy shit, it's perfect. Oh, yeah, that was a hit. I mean, we'd walk around school going, and twins. Don't forget the twins. Twins. Yeah, that was a big deal. Is that still, like, a hot thing? Yeah.

It's a myth. They're sisters. They're not going to fuck. It's not not hot, but it's just not like my thing. It's like if I saw it, I'd be like, yeah, that's hot. But it's like the thing that you always said was the thing to prove that you weren't gay.

Oh, I would like twins. Oh, yeah. Like when you're a kid, you don't even know what sex is. Like fucking twins, dude. Right. I remember. Yeah. I mean, obviously lived in L.A. long enough and seeing women that get the plastic surgery. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, you're trying to look like what the gay kid describes in seventh grade to prove he's into ladies. Like, oh, I like big, juicy titties and like lips that are just big, big, big.

juicy lips and titties because like oh yeah we don't know that it's okay for you to be gay all right so you're gonna lie and then a woman's like i'm gonna i'm gonna pay money to look like that yes that's uh off-putting to me but i mean if you feel better about your body but yeah like twins give me give me two of them give me relatives like come on guys did we think this one out okay fine cousins all right stop it stop

Using your imagination about sex. You're never going to fuck. Don't worry about it. Right. And friends. That's better. There's two of them. Also, if you're having a threesome with twins, that's kind of incest. It is incest. It's incest. Yeah. If they're doing it with each other, yeah. Right. Yeah, you've got to pretend that they're fighting and you're trying to break it up. It's the only way that Jesus will let it happen. Is he looking? Hey, ladies, put your clothes on. You're not mad at each other.

Anal, God's hole. I mean, incest is like the new porn thing, though. It's all stepbrothers. Good point. It's all basically incest. That's number one. I can't let anything that looks like if she's under 30, I'm like, get it out of here. Yeah, we like MILF. MILF.

I mean, I don't even need to... Just a woman that seems like she's there of her own accord. Sure. Right. Just that. Yo, you've made a choice as an adult. Yeah. And you're okay with it. Yeah. I need it to feel consensual in the porn. It needs to feel like... I don't want to be like, oh, you got caught shoplifting. No, just...

Just call the cops. No, it's not Punisher with sex. Doesn't feel good. I don't want this to be your first gig. Yeah, don't give me any stories. Oh, no. But that's how I feel. Like, I've gotten DMs on the road where a girl's like, you want to come over to my hotel and fuck me? I'm like, this is actually all I needed. Just the fact that you will fuck me, I'm good. I don't need to fuck you. Yeah, the consent is hotter than the sex. Yes, exactly.

I had a recent one. This is a... Maybe I shouldn't share this. But I was getting a text. I got a random text from a random number, and I was like, what's this? And it was a naked lady. And I was like, oh. And she's like, hey, Roger, come over. And I was like, uh-oh. A trap. This is the wrong number. So I go, oh, you know, I'm kind of over you. I'm just fucking with her. And she's like...

come on, you know, I give the best head. I'll suck you dry. And I'm like, will you though? And I'm just like going with it. Just, you know, I'm at a restaurant. I don't give a shit. And she keeps sending crazier videos. Now she's spread the legs. She's playing stuff. She's got the tits. What restaurant were you at? Bob's big boy. And, uh, so then I'm like, uh,

I don't know. I'm a little bored with you. I got a new girl down the block. She's even better. And she's like, what? I'll kill her here. How about this? And she's sending more and more videos. And it's getting like sad. So I feel bad. I go, look, it's the wrong number. I feel bad. I can't do the charade anymore. Go find Roger. Wrong number. And she goes, well, what's your story? And I was like, oh, wow. I was like, I'm just a comedian in New York. She's like, you want to come over? And I was like, oh, this is horrible. So I just deleted her.

That was a trap from the get-go. Oh, really? Absolutely. The wife? I don't know if you've seen, but that's a trap. Really? Why didn't you? There's no dude's name Roger. Oh, yeah. Why didn't you engage? There's like two Rogers. Especially, you don't just start with nude pictures. Well, they seem to know each other pretty well. I think you'd make sure. Uh-oh. Somebody tried to do that on Instagram. I was like, nah. Really? Yeah.

Nah. What's out there? Nah. Russian bot. I don't want to. I'm not following this. Before we went on a date, she just sent me. She was very aggressive. She sent me a picture of a guy getting blown with a finger up his ass. Whoa. And I was on a flight. I was shocked the picture came through. But in-flight Wi-Fi. But it was aggressive. I was like, this is too much for me. Mm-hmm.

And then she was like, do you want this to happen to you? And I was like, yeah, but I don't want that to be your opener. I don't know. Do I know the guy? Right. Yeah, that's. So how was the sex? It didn't happen. Really? Yeah, it was too pushy. I get turned off. I like to be the aggressor. I like to do the chasing. Interesting. So you didn't pursue because of the photo.

Yeah, probably. Oh, wow. Fascinating. Anytime someone's aggressively, yeah, it just makes it less attractive. You want to be the one who, at least you want what you can't have. You want to pursue, you want to chase. Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I was always like passive about it. Oh, yeah? I'm like, this? You're choosing this? You're a wild one. Wow. Odd taste, but okay. Yeah.

I know. It's like that old Chris Rock joke. He's like, whenever I get some pussy, I'm like, it's my lucky day. As a single guy, that was how I felt. I was like, oh my God, I can't believe anyone's willing to. Yeah, it was always that like, oh, you like me? What's wrong with you? That's a big one. There's that Groucho shit, right? Yeah, yeah. Where you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. You almost don't trust him a little bit. Totally, totally.

I'm glad I'm out of the loop. You've been a single man right now? I'm in the beginning of something. Yeah, how about you? I've been nine years in. Yeah, I know her. She's very cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I look at what's going on. I'm like, oh, God bless you boys out there. I know. Boys in the field. It's a tough world out there. It's scary out there. Scary. Sending you off to war. Yeah, landmines everywhere. Watch out for Charlie. Eh, it's fun. All right.

Just be careful. Yeah? Well, you just never know who gets mad and then they twist shit and turn shit. You can't live your life that way. All right. I agree. Fart. Fart right now. Don't. Holy shit. Hey, you're welcome. We're finding a new talent. That's called timing. He's going Mike.

We got a long way to go, Chris Hopper. That was a single clap of applause is what that was. That was the saddest rebuttal of all time. That was just one penny in the fountain is what that was. I was Will Smith, you were Chris Rock. Well, I will have my revenge. All right, yeah, please. Everyone called him a bitch. Charlemagne called him a bitch. That was my Chris Rock going after Will Smith.

That was a weird gimmick to sell a special one to them. Do you have any things that are bothering you lately, like peeves or anything? I got some lined up. I'm trying to be better about not being... I think I am pretty high strung about a lot of shit, and I'm trying to lighten up about it. Because I'm like, what...

You know what? I think it's the fact that I will lay awake at night just, oh, you said this and you did this and you don't like... And I'm bad with my phone. I just lay there looking at things. I don't want to interact on my phone, but I just sit there. I found Reddit. I was never a Reddit guy. Oh, no. Careful. It sucks, man. I mean, it's... Evil. It can be... Like, everything can be curated to your interests and be useful, but it's the internet. We know it's not that. It goes into...

reading the horrible comments. And then like, oh, I'm being fed these things that are going to make me this guy. I'm going to get angry about these type of politics, even though I was indifferent. Right. And then I'll wake up in the morning and I'll look at it and almost it's three hours I'm laying in bed and I'm angry at the world. Like, oh, this didn't...

Nothing about my world changed except I wasted three hours. Yep. Read some shit that I'm not going to do anything about. Right. But now it's going to paint my view of the day. So I think I'm just angry at my lack of self-control is what it is. But that's been a decade. Your peeve is your own shit. Yeah.

Yeah. It's been decades. That makes sense. I do the same thing. Reddit is poison. I mean, it's really... Oh, yeah. They get real honest. Do you get around it? Like, I would love to know a way that you get around it. I don't know how to not look at it. You don't even open it. I met the guy. I met the guy who ran it because I did a lot of the thing he hosted. He's a really nice guy. I shit on him pretty hard because he was hosting the thing. I immediately was just like zinging him. Yeah. And he's like, I know, I know. He felt bad about it. I put poison in the world. Yeah, yeah. But...

Yeah, I mean, it's just... Look, you're going to look sometimes, but you can limit it. Like, when you're looking, you can catch yourself, but...

Sometimes, you know what I think is like instead of reading a book or something, I'm reading what just random people are writing. And it's just vitriol. It's just books. I'm on my nightstand collecting dust. And I'm like, you're going to read this at night. You're not going to look at your phone. And then I put my phone on top of the book. You choke the book out with your phone. Reddit is like 4chan light. It's scary. There's a lot of scary people on there. But you just can't look at it. How about this for a peeve?

you ever have this guy the guy who wants a photo with you but he calls you over he's like oh oh comedian come here come here let me get a picture let me get a picture i'm like you want to pick you come to me i gotta go to you now he's like sitting at a table he's like come here come here so now i'm like a puppy like oh okay i'm going over to you and then he's like hey you're you're pretty good yeah what's that what's it mike yeah mike yeah yeah i'm like all right thank you i came to him you gotta come

to me the other day a guy was walking home it was the it was raining i was walking home i passed the guy in the car he goes sam picture picture i was like it's raining you're in the car yeah and it was like 20 feet behind me fuck that is that like that seems like a very new york kind of thing the new york thing bro come here definitely exactly i like that i have kind of introverted fans like in a mix of like drunk

dudes that are like self-conscious about being like aren't confident about being drunk they're like hey man i just want to say i just started listening to your car and i was like i like you like can we get a selfie i'm like you call it a picture please yeah like hey can you take a selfie for us well now it's not a selfie right now it's a photo like but it's not like i'm still in that mix of

Like, I can't go... Do you guys go out after shows? Like, out in the crowd after shows? Do you meet people? Nah, nah, not really anymore. I don't know how to manage it. It's too much. That's harder than the show. It's way more work. Yeah, and I've been trying to spread the word. Like, I'm so glad everybody's there, but I don't know how to hang out. Not really for the fuck, but... People who listen to us are awesome. People who listen to us are really the best. A lot of people watch the special because you guys recommended it. Oh, great. So thank you for that. Yeah, I appreciate it. It's like...

They're really well-behaved drunks. That's the funny thing. It's like they're all drinking so much of the shows, but they're really good drunks. That's what I like. Yeah. Like, okay. Same thing. I'm a guy that's going to have drinks.

I was a shithead a few times, and I remember that part. Yeah, yeah. But... Same. I get friends, you know, the high school friends. I was just in New Orleans back home, and they were like, man, you used to black out. You don't black out anymore. They were saying it like a bad thing. Like, come on. What happened to you? You got all queefy up there in New York. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't want to black out and drive and forget where I am and fall down and lay on the sidewalk. Yeah.

Yeah. I've grown up. I feel like there's always maybe a couple, not as many anymore that feel like disappointed that you won't do a shot with them. Yes. And I'm like, if that's what determines whether or not you want to stay being a fan. Good point. I'll cut my line.

Good point. Also, there are nights where I'm like, I feel like doing a shot, but I'm more of a sipper than a shooter. I'd rather sip on a whiskey. But then if somebody sees me do one, then somebody else wants to do one. And now I feel like if anybody wants to buy me a drink, I'm like, oh, thank you. But they're giving them to me for free because then there's like, well, I bought you a drink.

Now, I feel like they expect some sort of obligation to hang out. Yes. I said all the stuff I want to say. Now, I don't have the social skills for this afterwards. Because somebody wants to say something like, oh, you know, comedy got me through a rough time. I'm like, oh, that's sweet. And then a drunk person comes in from 3 o'clock like, fuck it, we're going to do a drink. And then somebody's like, oh, Canaan's out. Exactly. And I'm like, oh, but this person was saying something sweet. But also, you bought a ticket too. Right. And I'm like, I got a veggie platter in a green room. Yeah.

I was saving the broccoli for after because broccoli is my favorite with the little ranch dip. So I'm going to just sit back there until everybody's empty. Your veggie platter with the ranch? Yeah, because I know I'm going to eat like shit every other moment. So in the green room, give me some vegetables. Get some to my rider. Yeah, yeah. I got only healthy things in the green room because I'm going to get a large pizza that I'll eat in bed. Me and Mario Lopez are going to split a large pie.

I have like nuts, Pepto, and the veggie platter are the main thing. Smart, smart. Get that veggie in because you're not going to get it in any other shop. I know, that's why. It's like I'm just going to house this whole, and not even, I don't need fancy. Yeah. Cheap one with a dip in the middle. That's my favorite. The big old cellophane. I love that. Yeah. Cherry tomatoes, baby. Boy, we fucking party, guys. Yeah.

No more blowing rails in the green room. Well, that's the thing. If you were like, oh, you're coming to Memphis, I got a guest room. I got a snake. I got a pool, you know, above ground pool. We can live it up, man. I won't bother you. You can just come by. I'll cook for you, but I won't bug you. And you're like, why would I want to

I got a hotel. But the people, they're just so optimistic. But you gotta realize people don't know the other side of it. Sure. People are like, let me buy you a drink. Cause it'd be good. Like Mike, you paid for a ticket.

That's all you needed to do. Yeah. That's all you needed to do. I'll give them a drink usually. I'll bring Bodega Cat on the road. So I'll just be like, here, I got you a drink. There you go. But I'm sipping mine. I'm not, you know, doing shots. Yeah. Right. If I got drunk every night, like even Guns N' Roses probably had a like, all right. Thank you, Minneapolis. Yeah. Boys, I got a yoga DVD for the bus. Yeah.

Let me get a seltzer. Yeah. Take it easy. Slash, you're going to make that good Mediterranean pasta dish. I'm going to have a real easy one tonight, all right? I'm going to watch Sleepless in Seattle. All right. We're going to watch Apocalypse. One time, I did the Burt Kreischer thing.

fully loaded. We'd watch movies and get drunk every night. One night I was like, let's just watch a movie. And we watched Apocalypto and smoked weed. And it was like, it was so nice because it's called Fully Loaded. You're with these fucking animals, Joey Diaz and Gillis and all these crazy, Big J. And you're like, let's just watch a movie once. We've been on the road for 12 days drinking. You long for like the sleepover days. Oh. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, give me a stick of celery. Well, Bert's the oldest one there and he's fucking going...

He's drinking the most. Going nuts. I was joking with somebody. I wonder if when Bert finally gets a night off, he just puts on all his shirts. They just won for every night he's had to take one off. Like, this is all I wanted. This is all I really want. That's his rape shower. I love myself. I just want to wear shirts. That's hilarious.

All right, one more P, and then I'll leave you guys alone. I got some P's. You got one? I got P's. You got one.

We'll wrap things up here. Let me see what I got. Ooh, this is more me being stupid. So I was seeing this. This is a peeve, but it's more like me just kind of venting almost where like I started seeing a girl and you ever just like recommend a show to someone? She's like, I need a show to watch while we're apart. I was like, oh, we're going through classic shows. I was like, Mad Men, that's a great show. And she's like, oh, I've never seen that. She binges it like four seasons in like two weeks, which I'm like,

She's like, now everything she's saying is how much she hates men. I'm like, oh yeah, you needed a week in between an episode. Mad Men wasn't meant to be binged. She's watching Don Draper fuck 47 different women. Right, right. She's like, he's a bad person. I'm like, yeah. That's the show. I did the same thing and had the same reaction because I binged it. And then when shows are meant to be spaced out, that's part of the drama. And I did the same thing. And I'm like...

All it is is like, oh, God, I fucking I fuck this lady again. But I'm sad. I'm like, I don't give a shit, dude. Yeah, you're a gorgeous man. He's rich. I get there. Oh, your past is rough. But oh, I guess I fell in some pussy again this week. Like, yeah, it was hard for me to build up because it wasn't compartmentalized. So I totally understand that. I get it. It was written for a time when you it was on A&E. Yeah. Now picture you're a woman and have trust issues with men. And then you're dating me.

Oh, interesting. It's a lot. And yet you recommended Mad Men. I didn't think of it. I was just like, I'm thinking like Sopranos is a great show. She's like, I've seen that. Nope, nope, skip that. Let's find something that's going to work. Yeah.

Yeah. You sent her Sopranos. She's like, I fucking hate Italians. They're the worst people. They're greasy and murderous. But I told her, she was like, oh, I love Sopranos. She's like, clearly likes it. She's still watching it. But I'm like, Tony kills people. I know. But he's so likable. But I'll do the same. I'll just get into it. Because when I'm off the road, I'm off the road. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you binge a lot of shows? Yeah. Again, when you guys are off the road, you're here. Yeah.

You're never off. You're the best. Yeah. You're in town and you're going to be getting a little splash. Thank you. Thank you.

Top me up. Get a little taste. I'm going to full one. Okay. Yeah. I was hanging out with Sean Patton and Shane Torres. And I'm like, because we're talking about being introverts. I'm like, where do you go to be alone in this city? And Sean's like, well, you know, like this part in Prospect Park where you can walk off into a path and I just go take a phone call. I can talk on the phone. But I'm like, that's not alone. You're on the phone in some bushes. I don't know.

I'm true. Where's outside of noise-canceling headphones and a weighted blanket? How do you feel? You're like an old-school comic where you're like... I feel like you romanticize being in a hotel room just away from everything. When I'm not... Obviously, the Oregon thing was pandemic, but even in L.A., I was like...

all day I was like you know I got into like bike riding stuff and so I fuck off into the mountains that was my thing like in the daytime was to go just ride in the mountains like truly by myself to a point where like you'd crash you'd be like ah wish I had a friend with me yeah that's cracked and I'm not making it out of this valley but uh

Like, where... Like, that's my... Those are my days. Really? And maybe I got a little too used to it, because now I come here and I'm just...

Like, I'm the guy on the sidewalk. Like, what are you honking at? You're not doing anything. It's not affecting anything. And I'm like, I look like the crazy one. Right. Because somebody is just like, better than feeling something. I'm the opposite. I'm in a quiet place, and I'm like, where the fuck's the noise? Oh, interesting. The noise is almost, like, common to me. This is fascinating. But I'm also a city. I grew up here, so it's like... Oh, you grew up in a city? Yes. Oh, okay, okay. That'll make me, like...

The non-fast pace, I'm in a slow city, like in the south, and I freak the fuck out. Yeah, because we're in the suburbs. I didn't realize I had mild tinnitus until we moved to Oregon. Is that an ear thing? Yeah. I'm like, what's that noise? I'm like, oh, it's my brain. Is that serious? It's just when there's truly no noise, like truly, truly, not even air conditioning or something, it's like this low level. It's not bad for me, but it's like this low level, like,

You know when you do a hearing test and they'll do like, boop, and it'll get to this frequency where you hear it, but you're like, I barely hear it. That's all I hear. Whoa. But it's only when it's completely quiet. I would never hear it. I would never know I had it here. I didn't know I had it in LA. Yeah. But Oregon, just laying there at night. Wow. It's like, what's going on?

But it's a different, like here there's like maybe gunshots or fireworks or car horns. Like here, we first moved up there, I hear like a stick break in the yard. I'm like, they're fucking coming in. Like I got extra paranoid about stuff. Actually, nothing's happening around. Right, right. One weird guy walking down the street. What's he up to? There's a guy with a needle like in front of your building here. And I'm like, get something, buddy. It looks clean. I hope you're doing it safe. I used to live next to like a drug recovery place.

Oh, no. And I didn't know when I started renting the place, but...

after a certain point, I was like, man, there's a lot of drug addicts outside my apartment. Then every day, we're like, man, another pack of drug addicts. And I'm like, yep, there we go. They're working on it. It's crazy how fast you adapt to the city. You're like, man, there's a hobo here and a crackhead here, but then you just go, oh, there's Jeff, and there's the crackhead. You just get it now. That was as doing a joke about how you start saying stuff with way too much nonchalance. Like, oh, that guy with the swords out in front of 7-Eleven. Like,

Maybe that should be something that's more addressed and not just accepted. Like, welcome into the fold, sword guy. Yeah, yeah. That's what this city does. I was walking with a woman and she's like, let's go. She's walking. I was like, don't go that way. There's a lot of rats. And she was like, what? Oh.

Oh, yeah. There's a pack of rats that always walks across the room. I know them. They all got the same jacket. I think they're in a gang. I was here with Rachel one time, and I forget where we were walking, and she was like hopscotching over so much vomit. It was like a Saturday night in some party area.

And she's like bopping around. She's like, I know we're not that far, but let's get a car to the hotel. I'm like, all right. So we get in the car, and she gets out of the car, puts one foot on the ground and screams. I'm like, barf. She goes, dead rat. What's worse? On brand, New York City. Dead rat. The most expected thing that could happen, but with a little twist. I'm like, all right.

Better than a live rat, I think, because that could run up you. They run up you? Oh, they'll scurry up your leg. I've gotten them bouncing off my shoes a couple of times. They're cocky here. Oh, yeah? They're fearless. They'll come up on the leg? A little bit. You respect it a little bit, too, because you're like, yeah, fuck, he's got some balls. Yeah, if you're stationary, they'll run up you. But if you're moving, you're good.

If you stomp, they run away. Stay moving. Stay moving, baby. Just stay moving. They can't see if you're moving. I remember I saw a woman walking dogs once, and she kept stomping. I was like, excuse me, miss, why are you stomping? And she goes, it scares the rats away. And I saw a bunch of rats scurry away. Whoa. Here we go. Hold on, hold on. Real quick. There's a guy sleeping on the subway. Uh-oh. What's that guy? Rat goes right up the leg. Tell me it takes his wallet. There's a new port behind us here. Yeah, right?

What if that's his rat? Oh, he woke up. Man, he took that well. Oh, no. How do you just feel? Okay. Wow. He took that really well. I would have fucking screamed like a lady. I like that rat, though. Yeah. The rat wasn't trying. But see, I can't criticize this, even though I want to, because now I just want to start feeding crows in my neighborhood. Well, crows are smart.

Rats seem pretty smart. It got on the subway. That's true. Good point. How'd that rat know? There's just too many of them. We have a rat czar now. Do we? Mayor Adams has appointed a rat czar. Oh, I've heard of rat kings, but I don't think there's rat czars. It's a woman who's supposed to do away with the rat problem. Really? So that's like the new... What, has she got a special flute? St. Patrick? What do you got?

I like that there's just multiple videos. Oh, yeah. This is a pro. Oh, he's eating out of his mouth. Oh, I can't watch that. God damn, man. That one I didn't need to see. That one is, that was baby burden. He was baby burdening that guy. Oh, you don't do that in Portland, huh? You know what? I would like to think that somebody would do, not just film it.

Yeah, right. Hey, this rat's eating out of this guy's mouth. Who's got the best phone here? Who's got 4K? Right. Like, I would hope...

Okay, wait. You know, I hear all this, you know, West Coast is like nice but not kind, but East Coast is kind but not nice. These videos are not proving that at all. That's true. This is like, hey, take this rat, giving this guy whatever disease you get from rats. Yeah, you don't help, but you do get a TikTok. Look at that. Oh, my God. That's a fucking aggressive rat. That's a rogue rat. He's a ballsy. That's crazy. But then, like...

In my head, they know which stops to get off. I know, right? He's like, oh, it's Broadway left. The Express pulls up. He's like, I can switch here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They got good trash on this street. Yeah. This is good trash. Follow me, guys. I can't wait for the rat who's like, hey, I got chocolate bars. I got a baseball team. We need uniforms. You want to see me moonwalk? Give me a buck. Like, he basically is giving him a kiss there. That is pretty rough. Oh, yeah. Well, it sure is beautiful. All right. Didn't somebody just choke out a guy on the subway here? But rats, they're like, nah, let him go. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I don't know, New York. You got some priorities. That's CBS News. That's CBS. Even CBS needs clickbait. It's CBS as rat climbs up sleeping subway rider. Come on, guys. I know it's ad base these days, but... That'd be funny if the rat's like, I need content, you know? Yeah. I need a clip. And CBS is like, we do too. Listen, we're going to put you on the L train. Do your thing. We got a guy on the inside. Look back. Tag me. Yeah.

All right. Hey, sorry, I'm drunk. Shocks and struts.

Did I get that right? Yeah, that's the stuff. Is that the one? It's on the same website we're watching rats climb up on people. That's why I got more views. No offense. Of course it does. Of course. We just watched it nine times. Yeah, there you go. I haven't even watched my special once. I watched it. It's killer. One of the best comics. I loved it. Thank you, buddy. Watch Kyle's stuff. Thanks, guys. I'm watching his special right now. Truly, yeah.

great comic great comic and there's a lot of backlog he's got some Netflix he's got some Comedy Central I remember your first album I remember the Trader Giotto bit I mean great fucking bit that was big truly a great comic back when you can kind of slide around that kind of material oh yeah but watch watch and listen to all his stuff one of the best comics working so killer and see him on the road anything coming up oh yeah oh here we go we got a lot of dates when is this yeah I'm out forever

This will be out in June. I think we're... June 11th. I'm going to tour forever and then hide the rest of the dates that you don't see there. There you go. Which helium are we talking here? Because there's a lot of helium. Okay. There we go. Oh, it's a new one? Oh, that's the St. Louis. I guess they call it St. Louis. Oh, okay. I love this trend of comedy clubs being named after the city they're 45 minutes away from. I know.

I know, right? It's a Liberty Township, but they call it Cincinnati. Oh, my God. That's like 45 minutes outside Cincinnati. Everyone's tweeting to me like, fuck you. This isn't Cincinnati. Yeah, Richmond Funny Bone is like, yeah. I'm like, well, yeah, sorry. It's a mall. Western Pennsylvania. I don't know where I am right now. I kind of like Richmond, though, actually. No, the city's great. Great city. They got this Jewish deli called Purley's. I shit you not, it's like the best Jewish deli I've ever been to. Great deli. You think if you're going to be a Jew in the South, you've got to step it up.

Good point. Listen, we're going to win you over. You got an idea about us? We're cheap. Look at all this. Look at how tall this sandwich is. Elite, elite Jewish food. Very nice. Don't say elite and Jews in the same time. Yeah, you're right. That's fucked up. We're backtracking on what I said. They control all the delis. I'd be okay with that.

See Kyle on the road. Go Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. I think I'm going to be in Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston, all over. I'll see you on the road, samorel.com.

Hell yeah. I'm still in Australia doing the... I think the last time I saw you might have been in Australia. We did the Melbourne thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just there last month. Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm. Oh, I can't wait. I'm excited going out there, hitting all the cities. So, yeah, adding shows. Check out marknormancomedy.com. Get Bodega Cat. We got YouTube specials. We got up, shit up the yin-yang. Thanks for listening. We might be drunk. Now we're going to go attempt to do sets in New York City. That's not going to be fun.

No. Thank you, Kyle. Thank you. Thank you, boys.