Ep 125: Nimesh Patel and Cucumber Gin 01:36:55

Hey, hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. How the hell are you, Fetty? Good to see you, man. Good to see you. It's good to be back in the city. Lisa, the guest bartender is here. Hello, everyone. Looking good. Great eyebrows. Sally, welcome. I didn't see you at the cellar party. I saw you across the room. I couldn't make it to you. There was too many obstacles, but you walked in in this Hawaiian shirt looking like a hitman. Yeah. It was beautiful. How was it?

I was like, Salamanca? And I couldn't get to you. Oh, yeah. It was a hell of a party. Oh, it was great. I saw you across the room, too, and even another guy couldn't get to you. It's so frustrating. Like, the people you want to talk to, you never get to. Yeah, that's true. I mean, obviously, I talk to a lot of people I love, but there were definitely some obstacles in there. There was definitely a couple of parasites who were like, hey! And you're like, damn it, I've got to be stuck with this queef for six minutes. So we had a Christmas party in April. What was it? The Passover. Oh.

No, they just always do the holiday party late because I think their logic is everyone does a holiday party in December. We'll do a holiday party in April because we're not competing with any parties. Yeah, and it's a crazy spread. It's open bar. It's every comic, and you're like, whoa, you're still doing it? You always see comics and you're like, oh, yeah, I forgot about you. And, yeah, it was fun. Liz was doing the drinks. There were a lot of those you're still doing it. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of those. How do you pay the rent? I have a few comics. I have a list of eight comics. I'm like, how do you pay a New York rent? You never do the road. You never do clips or TV or anything. It would be great if the party was just one giant intervention for a comic. Like, how do you do it? Yeah. Please quit. They literally came there for the food. Yeah. Right. Right.

The food was good. I mean, you got that Kennedy fried chicken, which was a little lukewarm in the temperature. I want a hot piece of chicken. I was a little upset. I still ate it. I don't want to get stereotypical. Guy's mad about the food temp. It was a little drafty in there. This may be a little inside baseball, but the comedy seller bought the McDonald's.

Yeah. That's right.

Which is... Who got beat up by a drag queen? Artie Fuqua. Really? Yeah, he got into it with a couple drag queens. He's quick, too. You'd think he'd be able to hold his own. Well, there's like six of them. Yeah. And it is dudes, after all. Man, that's how progressive New York City is. The drag queens are beating up non-drag queens. Yeah, that's right. Oh, here we go. Hey, Dimesh! I'm here. What's shaggin', fatty? Get over here. Sit over here. Hey. Hey. Welcome. Welcome.

This is Lisa. Hello, how are you? I'm Dimash. Nice to meet you. Salicus. What, you got a hog out there? No, it's a city bike, you know? Oh. I ride them every day. The drag queen had the hog. All right. Good to see you, man. We just started. Thanks for being here.

for being accommodating. You didn't miss anything. Well, we got you your drink of choice was, I believe, a cucumber gin. Yes, sir. A very summery request, which I appreciate. I love a good summer cocktail. If we're day drinking, I want it to be summer. You don't want like, I love whiskey. I don't want it at 2 p.m. Yeah. I want it at night. Yeah, the brown liquors, no offense.

But the brown liquors I feel like are better at night We drink a lot of brown liquors Us brown people Oh yeah I don't know why we haven't been in a whiskey commercial just yet Yeah You guys don't get in that Why don't you get in those?

I think Indian people are ashamed of how much we drink alcohol. Really? I think so. I didn't know you guys were known to be booze bags. Booze hounds. That's why we own all the liquor stores. Ah, good point. Vertical integration. No need for a middleman. You're getting high on your own supply. Hell yeah. There you go. That's what my first alcoholic beverage was. I stole some of my dad's whiskey from his store, and I kept it in a garage.

And I would like eighth grade, ninth grade, I would take a little nip. Oh, yeah. And mix it with orange juice and brought it to school to share with my friends. And then I chickened out. I couldn't drink it at school. I felt that whiskey OJ. Yeah. Oh, that's like my first drink. Not the right. I don't know what I was doing, dude. I just saw my dad drinking. It must be cool. And your dad owned a liquor store. Yes, sir. Look at that.

It's all locking in. There it is. Do you remember what kind of whiskey it was? Johnny Walker Black. That's a solid whiskey. Yes. But as a kid, no kid appreciates the nuance. No kid is like, that's a good scotch right there. I put it with Tropicana, dude. That's what the fuck I was doing. That's a good year.

That's when you're young and the first time you get a good bottle and you're too dumb. You don't know you're supposed to have it straight and you get that liquor snob who's like, what are you doing? I know. Yeah, we did a lot of country time lemonade and vodka. That's pretty good. It wasn't bad, but it's all sugar. That's a hangover and a half. Screwdrivers are good. OJ and vodka. Sure. When you're a kid, a cranberry vodka. It's the breakfast drink of alcoholics. I like it when we're just telling kids what to drink. If you're 13 years old. Don't.

waste a good scotch. Yes. Mix it with soda, kids. A lot of pop off when you're a kid. The vodka. It's like shitty vodka. Oh, the plastic bottle. No, we did all the banana flavored one smearing off banana, green apple, all that shit. Yeah, that's what you thought was cool. I know when you're a kid. Yeah. I mean, I feel like that's who's drinking. What's what's the cinnamon whiskey fireball? Oh, fireball. If

If you're an adult and you drink that, you are just classless. Or you're outside of Port Authority. In which case, you're pretty high class. Right. True. I don't like any of those. They got peanut butter whiskey now. I'm like, come on. I tried that on Santino's podcast. It's pretty good. It tastes good, but you can have one. I can't live with myself drinking that. You guys have your own whiskey, right? We do. Oh, yeah. I get to have it.

Yes. Look at that. It's Nutella flavored. Dude, I just thought Norman loves Nutella, and I just saw a thing. Pull up the Nutella nutritional. This is going to break your heart. What's in it? It's like the least healthy shit. What? No way. The last ingredient is hazelnut. Right. Oh, no. No, no, but there's like a breakdown of what it's like. Really? It's like all sugar and then like a dash of hazelnut. Can you read that clearly? Because I cannot, and I'm wondering if I should get LASIK.

No, I can't either. I can't see the shit at all. Two tablespoons. I don't know. It was on Twitter. I said, I don't know. Wow, 12 grams of fat, 21 grams of sugar. But it was like grosser when they showed the actual breakdown. I believe it. Ah, Nutella, that's my N-word. Well.

Well, you always think it looks, it's like expensive and it's foreign. So I always assumed it was healthy. Is it foreign? I believe it's from like Denmark. You feel like you've been healthier when you eat like a Ferrero Rocher as opposed to like a Nestle Crunch, but it's all garbage. It's all garbage. I think Ferrero Rocher is Nutella. Yes. It's a hazelnut cream in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. My buddy used to wear the shitty cologne and he was like, it's Italian, but he still smelled like an asshole. But it was Italian. It was imported. It was imported.

Man. Bad things, bad stuff overseas. Why does imported just sound better? It just sounds, because it's not here. It's like a Cuban cigar. Yeah, because good stuff is imported, and you assume if it's imported, it's good, but bad stuff is also. Everything's imported. Yeah. All the Chinese shit is imported. That's all bad. Good point. I had a friend come over from France, and he only wanted to drink Budweiser while he was here. He's like, this is the good stuff. I was like, it's not the good stuff. Is he trans? All right. It's a Budweiser. What's with the Pepto?

This is a drinking pod and we have weak stomachs. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, dude, I was... He's got an ulcer. Oh, my God. I have stomach pain. I was not made to be a drinker. You got coffee going right now. I know. I take horrible care of myself. A lot of coffee, alcohol, and then, yeah, I got to slip...

Pepto. I do peppermint pills occasionally. Yeah, so see us on the road now because we'll be dead in six years. Buy tickets. This is a slippery fucking slope here you guys have set up. This is an afternoon drinking podcast. Yeah, I know. I realize that. You think we're doing well? That's why I brought my helmet. You're going to need it for that bike ride home. You're going to get a Dewey.

Do you? Should I be wearing a helmet? Because I city bike every day. What? You don't wear a helmet? Are you out of your mind? No. What do you mean a city? Yeah, that's like you're supposed to wear a helmet at all times, dude. Do you see how people drive in this city and don't wear a helmet? I've had some close calls. You'll be wearing a helmet in no time if you're not wearing a helmet right now. Knock out some wood, man. Damn. He was riding a scooter without a helmet. Yeah, but you don't wear one either. Yeah, but you're on a motorbike doing it. That's true. All over the city. Yeah. 45. 45.

No helmet. If you bike around town, you should be wearing a helmet. It's very dorky, but it's even dorkier to be dead. Good point. Why is safety dorky? It is, I guess. It just looks dumb. Condoms. Nerd. There's no cool looking helmets. That's true. You should get one that says, like, fuck the police on it. You're like, that guy's cool. That guy's a man. Maybe I'll just get one that says, I'm special needs, because no one will fuck with me.

Then they'll make fun of me less. They'll be like, that guy's pretty cool. Yeah, he's high functioning. You wave to him and smile. Yeah, I am.

Mark Wavering, some guy with a cigarette, it's like, there goes the coolest kid in this city. Yeah. Play the horn on the fucking city bike. Oh, that's, okay, we see. He's got his helmet, says why he's doing that. I'm downs with the cause. All right. Well, you know, in Connecticut, they do all these, like, people are always fighting so they don't have to wear helmets, the bikers. Yeah. But it's like, you know,

Riding a motorcycle without a helmet, you're just asking to fucking die. Everyone crashes on a bike. So I fell off my scooter. I got knocked out. No helmet. Construction workers had to bring me to the sidewalk. Really? It was wild, yeah. And yet, you're still not wearing a helmet. Well, I didn't die.

How bad was the injury? It was pretty bad. I hit a bump and I flew off the front of the handlebars and I had gloves on. It was winter and I scraped them and they were just all skin because I scraped the glove off. And you got knocked out. Got knocked out. You have CTE for the future now. Yeah, yeah. No helmet. He'll be shooting up a bank in no time.

I wore, the reason I started wearing a helmet is because I got blackout drunk like during summer pandemic. Yeah. And I was on a city bike and I like rode home with no, I had my helmet but I didn't have it on. Oh boy. And I, I don't know how the fuck I got home and that's like the scariest thing. Oh.

Come home and have your wife yell at you like you could have fucking died. I'm like, shut up. I like that that's the scary part. Your wife's just yelling at you. You wish I died. Sleeping on the sofa. But you didn't fall. No, I did not. I've had two close calls. One where like the city bike gear didn't shift correctly. Yeah. And my shin hit the pedals and I like flew into a car. Ooh.

And then the second time where I hadn't seen the, I was like riding up to where the stop is where you dock your shit. Yeah. And there was a dip in the sidewalk and I didn't see it because I was just flying. I'd fucking boom right into my nuts. It was brutal. Ah!

Brutal. Luckily I didn't fly over the handballs that time because that would have been bad. Right. Damn. There's no helmet for the nuts. I guess there's a cup. There's a cup. The cups are dorky too. If you're doing that, then you are a dork. Yeah. I guess if you play baseball or something. Remember, you played baseball. You put the cup on. You're like, how do people move in this? I only did it when I was catching. Every other position, it doesn't make sense. You never really get hit in the nuts. Yeah. You have to be asking for it to get hit in the nuts. Man.

Yeah, good point. It goes in the dirt. UFC guys wear cups. Yeah, they have weird cups. Really? They're kind of cylindrical. Yeah, because they get kicked in the balls constantly. Not on purpose, but just flying kicks. Definitely on purpose. Probably, yeah. Some people fake a nut hit because you get five minutes. So if you're getting your ass kicked and you fake a nut hit, you're like, oh, okay.

I'll go over here and regroup for five. And it kind of helps you with the fight. You've been learning these strategies from Rogan, I see. You've been hanging out with Joe a little too long, man. You're a UFC dude now. I let him kick me once, and it was not pretty. What? Did you really? He kicks like a mule. Yeah. Why would you do that? I just said, give me like a softie on the ass. And I flew across the room. Wow. Yeah. It doesn't help that he's four foot two. No, he's got a little...

All that leverage. Yes. He's like a little tank. Yeah, it's a brick of a man kicking you in the leg. Oh, yeah. He is like a hard... He's just hard. He's solid. Yeah.

He's got a huge hog, by the way. Does he? Huge. You've seen it? Saw it at the urinal. It was after you got kicked in the ass. He's like, all right, Mark. He's like, this will make you feel better. Huge. I don't know if it's thick or his dick or his neck, but large piece on the guy. Both are holding up a big head. It says on it on the side. What's that? Time for a drink? Hey! Cocktail! Cocktail time. Come on, Lisa.

Oh, you drink with the guest drinks? Of course. Oh, that's amazing. Not always. I think recently I did. Every once in a while we say, it's good to drink the same thing. Yeah. For camaraderie. Gracias. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. So it's just gin and soda with the cucumber garnish? Or is there a cucumber flavor in there? It's muddled in. It's muddled in. Ooh, muddle. Love a muddle. This is my drink of choice. Glees of lime.

And chin. Beautiful. His mother was a mother. Yeah. Hey. Cheers. Mazo. Hey. Thanks for coming. Cheers. Oh. Hey. Cheers. All good. Damn, that smells nice. Mm-hmm.

That's a good summer drink. It goes down easy. Too easy. I'm going to be cursing immigrants pretty soon. This is a drink. Join the party. I remember when Nemesh used to run that hot show, Bar Matchless with Michael Che. And Mike Denny. Don't forget Denny. I'm sorry, Mike Denny. Hope you're doing well. There you go, Denny. We would do that show. I remember we would get wasted at your show.

I remember one time I got taken out. I was so drunk, the bartender removed me in a headlock. Oh, really? I only remember this because you text me. You go, man, you looked rough last night. The one person who checked in on me. Oh, I'm sorry, man. I don't know what I did to get taken out, but it was probably bad. They had a pretty high bar to get removed. He must have done some wild shit. Especially with Che. Che was fall down drunk every week. We were drunk pretty often.

And I was just thinking about Matchless the other day because I was in Greenpoint and walked past it. Yeah. I was like, it's gone. Is it? It's been demolished. What? They're putting up high-rises or condos. That was a great bar. Best bar. Classic neighborhood bar. Yeah, I mean, that area was like...

when Williamsburg kind of becomes Greenpoint. Yeah. And it was a cool, it was, Greenpoint is still kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Polish have held on. Yes. They're still there. Those bakeries, holy shit, they're so good. Wow, that's gone. We used to watch Lost there. Remember when Lost was a thing? We'd all go and watch Lost on the big screen. Really? And get drunk, yeah. That's an underrated thing. It's like, I love, my favorite thing is in the playoffs when you go to a bar and the sound is on. Oh, the best. That is the greatest thing. That's a big New Orleans thing. What are you watching tomorrow?

I'm going to be in L.A., so I'll be watching in L.A. I actually just had to move a podcast because with the time change, I didn't realize that it was a Knicks game. Because I scheduled it like weeks out, and I was like, fuck the Knicks play game two. And they completely understood. I could have made up a different excuse, but I was like, it's game two, and they're like, we totally get it. I'm surprised they're not going to Cleveland.

It would be fun to go. I did someone's radio show and he was like, I thought you'd be at the game and you're just at home with Stavros just screaming at a TV. And I was like, it's in Cleveland. You think I'd just travel with the team? Tickets are probably cheaper. They're definitely cheaper. You're going to go on Thursday, is it? I'm going to be on the West Coast. You're still in L.A., God damn it. Sorry. How much is that average playoff tickets for the Knicks? I think it depends. Sam's got it. That's the hardest work of a man in the show business, right? You too. Hey. Both of y'all.

But wait a minute. Back to Matchless. Yes. It's sad it's gone. So many good times. You were giving out those drink tickets. That's what it was. Yeah. You're the reason it closed. Every Monday night, we'd drop like a $20 tip at the bar and be like, that should cover everybody for the entire night, right? Well, that was the only bar where you'd use a drink ticket and they'd give you top shelf. Yeah. Every other day.

They're like, this is for a while. Imagine, you're drinking, I'd get a Johnny Walker black and orange. Yeah, thank you. It was great. Fuck, dude, it was the best. Because those bartenders were there when it was three people in the room. So when we got to what it became, when you guys were doing it regularly, it was like, they saw us grow. We became friends with all those people. Sarah and Aram and all of them. So they were just like, yeah, just get fucked up. We don't give a shit. Yeah.

Before Monday nights when we were doing it, they had nothing going on. Nothing. That bar would have closed a lot sooner had we not been there, I think. You brought in a lot of people for sure. And neighborhood people, which is good. It's good when it becomes a neighborhood thing. Monday nights, man. It started with Hannibal, right? Hannibal had it first, then gave it to you. No, Hannibal. He had Knitting Factory. Hannibal had Knitting Factory. No, Hannibal had done a show there. That's what it was. Hannibal had done a show there, and I think he did one or two there, and then I think he moved to Knit after that or something. And then...

Denny had a show in the basement of a bar, in the basement of a FedEx called Illegal FedEx. And we were in there for like three or four episodes of Broken. And then somehow he found that bar and we're like, all right, let's do it there. And it became just like more like we will build this as opposed to, okay, this is going to be like a...

like a chore or anything be like we were super excited to make it something out of nothing and yeah two years in at that right how else do you find stage time you guys had a hot show was it i had a couple different locations we had i when i first was starting i had a show in times square called sage stand up and it was killer that was a good show that was like a better show than we were yes yeah you know what i mean when did you start what year yeah a long time ago um i was oh nine

Yeah, it was before that. It was like – that was like a Times Square hot show. And then there was – we moved it to a venue called Hurley's, which is like where Johnny Carson used to get fucked up. Really? Yeah, it was like a classic old school bar. But they were such assholes to us at Hurley's. It was a bummer because it was – but that was back when like Times Square was still good for comedy in a weird way. Because we would hand out flyers and create word and it was like –

people would walk in they would just walk in yeah so you'd get a lot of randos right now i feel like times square is terrible terrible you know but uh

And then after that, the last one was Bar 82. Oh, that was a hot one, too. It was another cool bar that closed down. East Village. Yeah, it was like a grimy, cool, old school. I don't remember Bar 82. It looked like where they would shoot a Cassavetes film or something. Yeah. I feel like I've done a show at Hurley's. I don't know if it was your show. It definitely wasn't your show, I don't think. It might have been my show.

That's where I became friends with a lot of people. I mean, that's where I became closer friends with Joe List and Dan Soder. They do your show and you start having a drink and hanging out. Back when they were still drinking? Yeah.

Oh, it was a long time ago. I just realized both of them have quit. Wow. Bargatze. Bargatze was legless every night. Good times. And you did Hot Soup. What was the one on 14th Street? With Andy Haynes, Matt Ruby, Gary Veeder. It was on O'Hanlon's on 14th Street. Yes, that was a fun one. Big booze. Booze night was every Friday night. And then we got kicked out of there because they caught us sneaking in booze. Then we went to...

I remember sneaking in booze to that place. Why did you sneak booze in? I don't know. We couldn't afford it. Yeah, we don't want to pay for booze. Got it. Yeah. I remember bringing in like a Dasani bottle full of bourbon. Yes. And just everyone taking a swig of it and being like, wow, we're fucking trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the move. Well, they probably wouldn't have charged us either, but maybe, I think they'd maybe give you one for one. They probably did. Yeah, I think that's why you sneak it in. They were probably charging. Yeah, then we moved to Irish exit. That was the show. Yeah! That was the show. I think for me-

like, oh, I respected you and Gary a lot and Ruby. And I was like, I got to go do this show. Everyone's fucking doing it. And it popped in. I was like,

God damn, this is how fun a bar show could be. And we were just in a tiny little stage. In that back room. It was kind of a perfect setup for comedy. Terrible location for comedy, but it worked. It was Eastside Midtown. Yeah, and you got a lot of Eastside Midtown people. It would be like finance bros with their dates and you just talk shit to them. But they were good. Yeah, they were fun. They had a lot of fun there. Remember Phoebe Robinson had that showcase on the Mondays? Oh, yeah. And it was literally a hostage situation every week.

Where was that? It was in Midtown. That's why I thought of it. But it was like in the 40s on the east side. And I remember you'd go on stage and every night it was a hostage situation. She'd get on stage and be like, all right, you guys ready for comedy? People would turn around. They just got off work and they're like, no. And that would be the show. I remember bombing for like...

It was like four people in the crowd, and they were all kids that went to Tulane. I wish I went to Tulane. And they all... Like, I all told them I'm leaving school to pursue stand-up. This is where they see me, a four-person crowd of only them, and I just bombed for four people. No, what are the odds? Who I just told I was pursuing my dream to, and they're like, well, clearly this isn't working. This isn't going to work out for you. But that show was rough. Rough. That would be like, hey, can you turn off the hockey game? And they'd go, no. Get funnier. Yeah.

Brutal. The best show that I bombed at when Jared had – you were there. I've seen you bomb quite a bit. There's been a lot of bad shows I bombed at, but the best show I bombed at was Jared had a show in the Upper East Side. Remember Stumble In? Yes. In the back room when we were doing the J Train shows? Oh, yeah. Those were like when we start – because he was – we started almost at the same time. Maybe a year later – he started maybe a year later.

And he was like, I know how to make a lot of friends. And he was working at a financial advisory shop or whatever. And so he had this huge roll call of people. And we'd go up to his side. So funny that he used it for stand-up. Oh, yeah. It's a huge network. And it was all people his age, our age. Smart. Popping, fun. First show I did, I crushed. I was like, oh, this is awesome. A week later, it was me, you, Che, and a few other people. And.

And I went up and I did basically the same set I had done the week prior. Ate a fucking monster dick. Was it the same crowd, I guess? I'm not sure. It was the same type of people. I don't remember seeing the same. Interesting. I ate such a fucking dick. And then I think Che went up.

You went up before me, and you destroyed. I went up, ate a dick. Che went up afterwards. He struggled a little, I think, too. No, he struggled a little bit right after he opened. But he opened with, like, you trying to defend me. He said, if you want to try to stand up, go on stage and pull your dick out. And for whatever reason, that ripped the room open.

Oh, wow. And then he went up and did his thing. But I remember... Isn't it funny how you remember every detail of these bombs? The bombs, oh my God. It was at that show I decided I would never do that material ever again. Wow. Because I realized... We and I talked about it. The bit I was doing was about carrots and celery and shit. And it was a really stupid, silly bit that required a lot of momentum. And if I didn't have it at the beginning... Uh-huh.

It was just going to be me bombing for three minutes because you couldn't get out of the bit. And I didn't have the chops to be like, oh, I should abandon this motherfucker at this point. There's no worse feeling than when you're in the middle of a bit that you know is long and the first time in the beginning is bombing. You start sweating like, oh, man. You're trapped. It's worse. It happened to me. I did a private event last week. Ka-ching!

And it was a pretty damn rough set. It's one of those sets where you're like, I'm thinking about shit I'm going to buy with this money that you're making me fucking suffer. What type of crowd was it?

Meathead-ish. And Jeselnik was on it too. I didn't catch a set. I was like, I'm out of here. But they did not seem good. What was the... Was it a corporate event? It was some guy's birthday. Oh, shit. But yeah, and I remember leaving. I was in the middle of a bit that I knew... I probably shouldn't have done it, but you just want to do your newer stuff. Of course. So I did. I go into it and I'm like...

I had the trapdoor out of the bit because I was like, this is like a five-minute bit and it's going to fucking bomb. I was like a minute in. I was like, fuck this. You can feel it. I bailed on it. Yeah, you had to. Good call. I'm going to eat it. You had the professional awareness like, oh, this is going to be poor. Two years in, you're just like, oh, I'll find a way out of this. Did not. There's no worse feeling than when you go... I mean, there's worse feelings, but as a performer, when you go on and...

they're just talking. Oh, yeah. And you're like, what am I, a fucking magician? I need your awareness. I need something. And then they go, ah, you're not funny. And we're like, well, you have to listen to the setup. Right, yeah. How would I be, how am I going to get a laugh if you don't hear the setup and the punch? I hate that. No, it was a bomb. You can't even, I've been in a situation where you can't be like, will you all shut the fuck up? I know. Because it's there for them. Exactly. I know. I did a charity like last year, a year and a half ago, and I was supposed to headline, I was headlining it, and...

like two other people went up and no one was paying attention. And the people that invited me were like the heads of the organization sitting right next to me. They're talking. Yeah. The whole group is talking. I'm just trying to be like,

I'm supposed to do 30. I did like 18. And at one point, I just told the biggest sponsors of the event to shut the fuck up. I was like, yo, listen, y'all need to shut the fuck up. I'm not going to lose confidence in any of this material. I'm not the one doing poorly here. You're supposed to be paying attention. And I just sweat through the whole fucking thing. And then afterwards, the organizers were like, hey, that was really good. We're sorry that everyone was tough. They're like, that carrot celery material should have worked. Exactly. No, I'm just kidding.

So many bombs. It's so demoralizing, those corporates, when they're talking, they don't pay attention. You're like, I'm getting a lot of money, but...

Why'd you book me? I know. That's really what it is. You're like, you just have to accept that you're like, this isn't me being an artist. This isn't... I'm not even an entertainer here. I'm a monkey. I'm nothing. What does it matter if you do well there or don't do well there? It's literally just a paycheck. It's your own ego. Yeah, you just are like, oh man, I love this. And I feel... Yeah, this is... Look, world's smallest violin here. Come on. It's not that big a deal. But...

You leave feeling like shit. I'm always thinking about what's the opportunity I'm going to get out from this. That's always in the back of my head. I'm like, there's always other people at charity events that are like, oh, he did great at my event. Or Mike. Maybe we'll book him for that. And then you just eat a dick. It's like, whoa, that guy fucking sucked. You know, Jonathan Katz used to have a great joke where he'd say, I'm doing a benefit next week for the survivors of the week. I did for the benefit of the week before. That's funny. But it's a great joke.

He's a funny guy. He's a funny guy dry. Very dry. So I got shouted out by Seinfeld, and that year I got like a million corporate gigs because they're like, oh, Seinfeld likes this guy, and I bombed at every one of them. They hate it because, you know, my act is like, so what's up with the Puerto Ricans or whatever? And people are like, whoa.

we got HR here. What are you doing? You're the Seinfeld guy? Yeah. I got 12 minutes on squirting. They weren't having it. I've only, I've done like five corporates and they've all been like, four of them were great because they were booked through, like the, I used to work for these people. Oh, that helps. So they come to our event, like we love you and then like, I would like research them and all that, like,

you know build the community or build the set after talking to the community people but one of them i did a doctor's conference in san antonio after after crushing the year before i'd done a doctor's conference some doctor there was like come do this like smaller private event for like just this hospital group and i was working on this health care stuff like oh this is gonna go great yeah and i went up and i called i basically called them prostitutes and like it

It was like a family event. They were not having it, bro. It was bad. I haven't spoken to those people since. Luckily, you got booked at the sex workers conference the following week. Of course. No, that happened to me once. I killed a corporate and they were like, you're

you're our guy now we'll bring you back the next year and I was like great and I remember doing it again the next year and this year I'm coming in cocky I'm like these people are cool they know that's always when you know you're gonna eat shit when you come in like oh yeah I'm not gonna eat shit and I go up and uh the mic goes out and they're like just keep just keep going I'm like no you don't understand this is the only thing I need yes exactly the only thing I need is a mic

And I just, I'm talking. They're just like, we don't. We don't know. We can't hear. So it's one of those bombs where like it happened slowly. Like I, first couple of jokes kind of hit, I had the mic and then the mic goes out and then I'm just still talking. They're like, uh-huh. Because like two minutes later, they're all just talking on the table. And I'm like, all right.

Just count the minutes. Will you shut the fuck up? Yeah. I've definitely fucked a couple of gals at these corporations. Yeah, that's a nice thing. Because, you know, they've all fucked each other. So you're the guy coming in with the microphone and you're the new guy. Pretty easy to get laid at these Christmas parties because then everybody gets hammered too.

Yeah, and also if you do well, you're like a superhero. Who's this guy who just showed up and is funny? So what's it like? What made you want to do comedy? Yeah. I thought I wanted to do it. I'm pretty funny. You think I could do it? No. Oh, there's a lot of that. No, Brett. A lot of the bro-y guy like, hey, man, that was pretty good. He gets you in a headlock. Perfect.

Relax. I did one for a pharmacy, pharmaceutical conference. Bombing, bombing, and I snapped. You know when you're like, fuck you guys, you're all drug dealers, you're killing people, opioid addiction, and then they kicked me off. And they gave you some Xanax on the way out. You've got to calm down. Calm down, dude. You've got to chill. Yeah. Yeah, those are...

Those are tough because you're like – it just sucks when you know people – when you leave and they're like, that guy's bad. I think that's the feeling that sucks. Exactly. Because you're like – because those gigs, you are usually playing the hits. I think that's what hurts. Of course. In your mind, you're like, these are – I think that's what hurts. Yes. You know this is – you're throwing 95. You're throwing heat. Yeah.

Well, you're shooting baskets, but they're not counting them. Like, that went in. Like, nah, that sucked. Like, it went in. Yeah, it feels rigged. And I did the one where I went, that worked on The Tonight Show, which is the most cunty, sassy, condescending movie. By the way, it's like that worked on a –

a really hot crowd. Why isn't it working at this pharmaceutical benefit? It worked on a comedy show. Yeah. It's insane. But it's like that ego thing where you're like, I'm not, I don't want you to leave thinking I'm bad. Yeah. That's really what it is, but they will. They will. The worst is you still got to eat

Have I told this story?

Kenny Albert, you know, Marv Albert's son, he's a great guy, Kenny. He's a great broadcaster, but he's hosting the show. It was like the weirdest gig. It was like Trump Golf Course in Connecticut or something. I just got in the car. I didn't know where I was going. And

coca-cola it's like a corporate thing but it's also the rangers so i remember i uh i'm talking to al troutwig remember al troutwig he's dude he's like an anchorman character he reeks of scotch i was like oh man al troutwig i loved you growing up he goes well i haven't seen your work so my opinion remains to be seen i was like jesus this guy's got an attitude yeah by the way he did not become a fan that night i guarantee you so i remember uh

Kenny is, you know, the MC. He's kind of just, he's not a comic. He's just kind of leading the thing. And all these Rangers legends that are Rod Gilbert, I'm talking to who passed away a couple of years ago. Who's like the nicest guy ever, like could not have been a cooler guy. And then I bomb so hard that I remember I get off stage and Adam Graves, you guys know Adam Graves, Rangers, great. So it comes over to me and you can just see him searching his brain to find anything nice to say to me. And this is what he comes up with.

I love humor. That's all he could give me. I love humor. I love humor. That's all you do. I like comedy. Yeah, and then I ended – and then I – you better believe I hit that crab leg steak filet mignon bar, and I'm just chilling. And Kenny Albert's sitting there with me. He goes, I can't believe you just did that. Like he's like, I can't believe you bombed that hard, and I'm still here. Yeah.

I was like, it's free food. Yeah. That's a lot of balls. Oh, yeah. But you got to eat. But he was nice. He was like the one dude laughing in the corner. So I was like, as long as one person is enjoying it, you don't feel like a psycho. Oh, yeah. For sure. Someone comes over and is like, man, I've seen you before. Yes. You're good. You deserve better. That's the best part. They were shitty. Yeah, that goes a long way. Do you ever have that at like a weekend when you're a young comic and someone from the staff comes up like,

You deserved better. Yeah. Sorry. Just bombed all weekend. You deserve better than this weekend. It's bittersweet because they're like being nice, but they're also like, you're really tanked out there. You're bad. We got less tips because of you. Right. Asshole. I think worst gig I've ever done was Radio City warming up for the VMAs.

This is a classic. I won't tell the whole story, but they put me on before the show. So you got to like warm up, but nobody cares. No. So you go out there and I'm like, hello, hello. And they're all just like tweeting and look at each other and like JLo walk by. It was, I was supposed to do 15 minutes. I think I did eight. And the guy was doing this with the headset. He's like, yeah,

Get off. Oh, it was so bad. Scott Rogowski was there. He texted me when this happened. He took a photo with me bombing. That's how bad I was bombing. He could take a picture, like a selfie. Oh, it was brutal. Scott's a mutual friend, and Scott texted me. He goes, why are they doing this to Norman? I was like, doing what? He goes, he's bombing the VMAs. I was like, what? Yeah. I didn't know he was doing it. Were you bombing because they were paying attention and the jokes were just not hitting, or you were bombing because everyone was just talking to each other and you couldn't get over them? They didn't even...

I might as well not have been there. They thought I was like a grip. No, that's not a comedy crowd to begin with. No. I remember Dane Cook did a set at the peak of Dane Cook's fame on TV and he bombed. Oh, yeah. It's a hell gig. Yeah, you're not doing well. No. Ariana Grande walked in and the whole fucking place turned to look at her. And I was like, hey, how about her? I fucked her. I was just trying to say anything to get their attention. And they didn't like that. No, they didn't hear it. They didn't even listen. They didn't even register. Yeah.

Oots was there. Oots was in the crowd for some reason. He was filming me and laughing like, look at this piece of shit. For comics, it's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you know that's the thing is like Leonard knows Mark's hilarious. So it's like one of the things where you're just like, this is awful. Yeah, just laughing at the decision. Sometimes you can say no, Mark. Yeah. You don't have to do the VMAs. But you know what?

You got a story. I got a story. Then they pick you up on a limo. I brought the lady. You got to do it. Of course. It's the VMAs. You got to do it. I got personally thrown out of a venue by Chuck Berry. Whoa! What? Yeah. Did he pee on you? So I was supposed to photograph him, and I was talking backstage, and he's like- Chuck Berry? He's like, you can't photograph me backstage, but I'll invite you on stage. You can take your picture. Okay. All right? So I'm like- He must have been 90. No, it was like 2008, 2008.

He's still performing. Chuck Berry of Johnny B. Goode? Yes. What? 2007? No, it was 2008. Is he still alive? No, he's dead now. Yeah.

So he's like, I'm going to invite you on stage. You can take your picture then in the middle of the show. So before that happens, I'm just taking some pictures from offstage. And he points at me. And I was like, oh, this is my moment. So I start walking up. And he was like, get that guy out of here. And it was like a WWE work. The crowd was like, yeah! Oh!

Did they throw you out? They did. And I went backstage, ate my pasta primavera, and I left. Wow. Wow. I don't follow what you did. Were you hired? I was shooting for a magazine. Ah. I think the whole thing was a work just to get, like, the crowd into it. Yeah. I...

And I don't think he wanted me to shoot before he asked me to shoot. Got it. And I think that's what I really did. Can you pull this up? Can you pull up Richard Pryor live in concert? Because there's a guy in the beginning who keeps taking photos of him. And Richard Pryor's like, get the fuck out of here. It's gold. I love that they left that in. Ain't no film in the camera. Yes. Yes.

Exactly. That opening is so weird. Because people are just like seated. I know, but it kind of works. No, it's amazing. That's probably his best special. Easily, easily. But the end of Sunset Strips is best bet. What's that one again? Jim Brown. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so funny. That's a great one. No, this is Sunset Strip. You've got to go to live in concert. Live in concert.

It's crazy. He's known as the best comic of all time, and he has, what, three hours? His album's on Spotify. There's a billion of them. Oh, okay. My favorite is probably the Africa bit. Oh, yeah. You got to go to... I don't think this is the right one. Yeah, that's not it. He's wearing the red shirt. Yeah, yeah, that's it. I think it's the one at the top there. Live in concert. Oh, weird. Weird.

All right, well. It's so funny that Netflix has it. I know. Netflix has Eddie Murphy, too. He drops the F-bomb, like, I don't know, 38 times in the first six minutes? Not all comedy age is great. No. Although, those jokes aged well. Yeah. We watched it, like, a week ago. It's still funny. No, no, the special's amazing. Yeah. Eddie Murphy's insanely funny. He's got it. Yeah. He's like a phenom. And he's, like, 22 in those years. I know!

Like how? I don't think he should do stand-up again. What do you guys think? There was that whole rumor that he was going to do it, and it was $80 million, right? And then did he not accept it? I mean, what happened? He was going to do stand-up? Yeah, Netflix was going to pay him $80 million, right? Yeah.

The problem is it would require him going out and working it out and bombing and failing. He's so famous that him showing up at the comedy store would be a paparazzi thing. Can a guy like that actually work out material in private is the question. Yeah, I mean, just yonder everything. That's a good call. That's new shit. I guess so. I haven't seen, you didn't see Louis working his stuff out.

Nothing leaked. But Eddie Murphy, this is like over 30 years in the making. It's different than Louis. I think it's a bigger thing. But he'd still be dropping in at the clubs that we're doing. He'd be like, I'm going to do a weekend here, like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. True. Right? I wonder if he's worried. I mean...

I'm just playing devil's advocate here. I wonder if he's worried... Talking about Eddie Murphy? Yeah. About people just seeing him weak. That's what I'm saying. Because you have to be weak and vulnerable. Because maybe people... Audience see this. Comics are going to obviously all want to watch. Right. Of course. But I think every comic would be like...

That's just a process. And anyone that understands... There's no way he's not going to be not funny. Sure. He's just going to not be what he wants to be. Immediately. He's just going to be... There's no way Eddie Murphy can't just turn the switch on and just do the greatest 20 minutes you've ever seen in your whole life. He just does the whole catalog and people lose their shit. Yeah. I think...

I think it's probably a combination of fear and, like, he doesn't need to do it. And it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. Yeah. It's Michael Jordan coming back now. Yeah, yeah. You know, and be like, why? I'm past my prime. Yeah. I've done all this other shit. Leave me the fuck alone. But at least Jordan, that's the problem with comedy. Jordan can go to the gym and just shoot threes for five hours alone in the gym, whereas comedy, you need the audience to let you know what's what. Jordan on The Wizards was the clumps. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That was Dr. Doolittle. I got the prior clip. All right, let me just see the camera guy. This part kills me. This is riffing. Look at the balls on this guy. This guy would be tamed. By the way, people give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, that's true. God, he's funny. He just talks funny. This place is going nuts. Look at this guy.

He kind of looks like me. Yeah, he does. The camera's broken. He's still going. What is this guy? Must be autistic or something. I think it's cocaine. Oh. Andy, I mean, this guy's so entitled. Oh, that sounded nice when he shook his hand.

Crazy motherfucker. That's insane. That's a pretty, I mean, imagine doing that and being kept in the special. Right. Because I think people sometimes get excited when we just post a dumb, because we all post like crowd clips and stuff sometimes. People be excited. They're like, that's me in the thing. You're in a Richard Pryor special? The special. Being an asshole. Yeah.

Not like in a good way. You're just like a dickhead. But it created a funny moment. I'm not defending the guy, but it did create a classic moment. It did. It felt like you were there. At my first special taping, someone at the... Nice. Nice.

Thanks for putting it right in my mouth. Thanks for aiming it right here. He could have lifted up his legs and spread them to the room, but he literally just fed it to me. I had to get it a little up on the mic, and I didn't want to hit him with it. No, I appreciate the consideration. The first special, there's a girl in the crowd. When I say girl, I mean 28-year-old woman sitting up front. And at the end of the special, I'm still taping. I'm about to do my closing bit.

She throws a note on the stage. And she's like... She asked me if I could be in her book. I'm like, this is... And a pink piece of paper... Pink ink writes, can you be in my book? I'm like, this is where you shot your shot? Wow. Like, that... I didn't put it in. I didn't keep her in. It's like, I'm not giving this lady any fucking shine. Good. You know, like...

Richard Pryor commended him for being like this guy. Right. And maybe it was a decision of like this was funny. I bet if it was funny I would have kept it in but I was just like so annoyed. Yeah funny Trump's all. Yeah. How dare you. The entitlement of like this will be my moment. I'll interrupt this guy doing his thing. Doing it in a show is annoying but to do it at a. Taping. There's cameras. That's crazy. There's five $80,000 cameras around you. You know what I mean? Like what the fuck are you

doing but the annoying thing is when you have that great moment and the cameras aren't rolling like i had that i had that in there was a mishap in a wise guys comedy club which is one of my favorite clubs in utah a mishap where on valentine's day a woman rushed the stage and handed me roses and i just shit on her and it was like this is a great weird moment yeah and it was like fun we were like having fun with it but the cameras were off and i was like oh that would have been like

great one damn because it's just such a wacky moment yeah i had a similar thing in phoenix i do a joke about gay guys like any gay guys here and a guy goes i think so and it crushed and then i made fun of him for like five minutes and they were like oh we forgot to turn the cameras on brutal brutal god damn it yeah you had one stand-up live tempe improv got it got it got it yeah but

That pink letter shit or the pink, what do you mean put you in her book? Just put me in the book. It's not a movie. It's a book. Write me in. Writing a book about Patels. Okay, lady. Jesus. You could have just DM'd me like a normal person. Shot me an email. I've responded like most DMs. Yeah, I'd love to be in the book. Yeah, sure. But not anymore. Not anymore. Do you have any pet peeves, Nimesh? Anything that just bother you about humans? I don't know.

I got one of you don't. Yeah, me too. I got many. I mean, if I thought about it, yeah, probably, but... Take a think. Take a think. What about something your wife does, drives you crazy? Maybe... I got one. Asians. I got one for you. All right, go ahead. When people say... I don't know if Mark... This is like something Mark would say, so I don't know if you actually said this, but there's a peeve of mine. Well, we have similar peeves, I feel like. Okay. But...

when people ask you to do something and they go, is there any world where you would do this? Any world? What do you mean in any world? Yeah. Under the sea, under the sea in that world. What do you mean? Is there any world where you could see doing this?

No, I don't want to do it. It's always something that they know you don't want to do. In any world, that's good. Is there any world where you could pick me up from the airport on Friday? I'm like, not this world, but I'm sure there's a world. I'm sure there's another universe. West world, maybe. I'm sure there's a Rick and Morty extended world. Yeah. You go in a portal. Yeah, I'd pick you up, but I can drive in that world. I can't drive in this one.

You can't drive? Not really. Born and bred in New York? Yeah. Oh, legally. Yeah, he ran over a kid in 88. Oh, what is a whole new world?

In a whole new world, could you get me on your flying carpet? What peeves do you guys have? Well, I went to L.A. last week and got a Tesla as a rental car. Nice. Yeah. First of all, two-hour line at Budget Rental Car. And I was like, what's this line? And I noticed there was a lot of white dreadlocks around.

Got it. I didn't know that. So everybody's getting their rental car to drive out to the desert. But I finally got up to the counter and she goes, for $15 more, you want to get a Tesla? I said, I've never driven one. I'm in. Did they have to give you the pep talk how to drive it? I said, I'll figure it out. Really? It took me a good 20 minutes in the driveway or the parking lot, but I got it. Because I think they usually give you the rundown. Yeah, she tried to. I was like, I got it. I got it. Even though I didn't. I'm leaving.

Manual and moving. I think no woman's planning to drive this man as well. And I just want to be on my way. I don't have to wait for a guy and go, he's going to go, this is the on switch and this is the charge. I'll figure it out. When you get an Uber and they pick you up in a Tesla, it is a little exciting. It's fun. There's a moment where you're like, this is kind of cool. Yeah. But point being, super fun to drive. It's so fast. There's no gear, so it just accelerates. Super fun. But...

She goes, hey, just want to let you know, if you don't return it 70% charged, we're going to fuck you in the ass. And I said, that was a joke. A guy comes out with a fucking big dildo. He's like, we'll fucking do it. We're going to fuck you. Exactly. Says Elon Musk on the side. Another guy's crawling out in all fours. It was a boring company. Bored right into my taint butt.

I go, I got it. No problem. I'll find a charger. These chargers are hidden all over the town. I can't find any of them. I couldn't figure out any way to charge it. So I had to turn it in with like 12% battery. See, that's one of the things they tell you when you pick up the Tesla.

is that you could just look for charging stations on that big map. They just point the Tesla charging station. Oh, I tried all that. They're all in neighborhoods. One was in a parking structure, so I was like, all right, I guess I'll go into a parking structure. I had to get a ticket. The arm goes up. So now you're paying for parking while you charge your car. Listen to this shit. This is when the technology fucks you. So I finally find a charger, and you have to sign up for the app. So I'm like, all right, let me sign up for the app. Clock's ticking. The flight's going to take off. So I'm trying to charge this fucking thing at 8 in the morning.

No service in a structure. So I have to run out of the structure, get the app, go back in. I mean, and I just said, fuck it. I'd rather get plowed in the ass. This happened to me. A similar thing happened to me. I had to get a letter notarized recently. No one fucking notarizes. I tried two banks. I tried a UPS. Notarize? That's hard. Look at all these notaries hanging around. So I had to download an app, and then I paid for the app. The app, everything's gone.

Everything's an app now. That's the next John Wick movie. They're like, you've got to get a letter of notoriety. He's like, ahhh!

That's a tremendous pet peeve of mine. It's not people. It's just everything's being appified, and I fucking hate it. Agreed. I don't need an app to eat your pizza. Yeah, exactly. Give me the fucking pizza. Our pizza app. Yeah, I'm here. You know when you park on the street, and they're like, oh, to get the parking slip, you got to get the app of the parking meter, and you're like, god damn it.

Just let me put coins in this bitch. Yeah, why are you trying to steal my data? The fuck's I'm parking here? I know. And then now you got a new fucking button on your phone that you'll never use. Oh, and you're going through your apps. You're like, why does my phone have no storage? Oh, yeah, because I had to download Crackle for some reason. What the hell am I doing with Crackle? I know. One episode. I got one for you. Another peeve. OCD people...

It just bugged me. I'm sorry. I know it's a disorder. It just feels like the most narcissistic disorder. They use it. People who are like, if I don't wash my hands 47 times in twirl three, this plane's going down. I'm like, who do you think you are, God? Yeah, good point. You think your hands aren't washed? It's going to punish 400 other people on your fucking flight? Why did the United flight go down? Because Jimmy didn't Purell.

What do you mean? It's very self-involved. It's fucking insane. No, I'm with you. My pet peeve is when people are at the Delta Lounge buffet and they don't know how to sneeze properly. Oh.

I'm like, ooh. Like, I don't know. I think a lot of people learn to sneeze like this. You're supposed to sneeze into your elbow. Yeah. And for whatever reason, like, I'm just like, all right, I got to get off this fucking line. Here goes this. I'm going to go outside and eat at the bar because I can't eat any of this shit anymore. You know, you got to have, like, the soup or something that's closed off. Yeah, it's nonsense. By the way, it's always shit you would never eat in that thing. But when you're in line, I'm like, y'all get a loaded baked potato soup. Yeah.

You would never order that anywhere. But at Delta, you're like, yeah, this doesn't count. You know what it's like? It's like a movie on a plane. You're like, I would never watch Traveling Pants or whatever the fuck, The Sisterhood. But on a plane, I'm like, I'll watch it. Can I shit on United for a second? Please. I just took them here yesterday. What the fuck? They have eight movies on their plane.

Eight movies. And they're old. And they don't even start. You can't select them to start. You gotta wait. You select them and then you gotta wait five minutes for it to sync up. You can't leave it and come back. Otherwise, it's fucking... It's never a movie you want to watch either. It's always like homeward bound. A man called Otto. A man called Otto. That one looks like a stinker. What?

Tom Hanks has not been in a watchable movie in a really long time. He started making some poor decisions. I love Tom Hanks. We're like, what's going on? He booted somebody doing something. Which one? Bridge of Spies. That was boring as hell. He sucked in Elvis. He had the bad accent. Yeah, he did suck in Elvis. He's been in some stinkies. A Man Called Otto was quite possibly one of the worst movies. You watched it? I've never heard of it. I thought that was in Punchline. No, man. It was on the United plane. Damn.

I thought that was used for emphasis. No, man. That shit hurt my feelings sitting there watching that. Like, why the fuck did I commit two hours to this bullshit? Now, what's going on with me and Bluetooth? Why can't I get any Bluetooth working?

I don't know. I try to sync up to the Tesla. It's really annoying. And if you can't get Bluetooth going, you're just fucked. Yeah. We're so reliant on this technology now that it doesn't work. You're just sitting there listening to your fucking thoughts. It's hell. It's hell. So now I'm playing a podcast on my phone like this while driving because I couldn't get it to get into the system. You ever hung over on a flight and the Wi-Fi doesn't work and you can't talk to someone in the outside world and you're like, I'm going to fucking kill myself. Oh, really? I'm alone with my fucking mind. Yeah. I...

I disconnect. You like it. I love a plane five hours, like cross-country flight. Not when I'm hungover, though. Oh, okay. You don't get that hangover anxiety? No, I don't drink that heavily on the road because I know if I did, I'd turn into you guys. Clip it. But it's just that five, like the cross-country flight.

Five hours not talking to anybody, just me, myself, a notebook, maybe Delta's robust selection of fine films. Delta has a good selection. Delta's got the point. And you know what's good about Delta? I mean, we're really sucking off Delta here, but they've got the classics. They've got documentaries. Yeah. Action adventures. Look, I can watch His Girl Friday. What is this? Oh, wow. What is this? Fucking AMC Presents? They got 30 for 30? Yes. You don't know Bo? No.

That's next up on mine. I heard Delta's got a man named Otto on it, too. What's that one? By the way, all Mark's peeves could have been solved if he listened to that lady at Budget. What do you mean? The Bluetooth didn't work. I don't know where to plug the car in. Well, here's the real... Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you, Mark's wife? You never listen. Ha, ha, ha.

Here's the real cum stain about the Bluetooth. I got in the car and started working immediately. I was like, I didn't even have to sync it up. And then I got in the car again after going to the store, and it didn't work. Yeah, not working is annoying because you realize all this shit was so simple when we just had a plug. Like that aux cord was just easy. Or you have the – when sometimes you're trying to get your phone cooking, I'm like, this is when you get hit by the car, by the way. Yes. It's when you're like, why won't it connect? Eh.

That's your fucking ending right there. So true. That's when you get hit. Well, you know what they say. The smarter technology gets, the dumber people get. Yeah. You know? Yeah, like think about how many phone numbers you used to know, how many addresses you used to know, and now it's all in there. Phones are getting better. We're getting worse. You got that right. Phones are getting thinner. We're not. We're not. No. I'll tell you. No respect. This is Mel Brooks, the 3,000-year-old man. This old juice. Yeah.

These are hitting nice, these drinks. I like them. Are you drinking as well? No, I'm cheating over here, drinking club soda and lime and cucumber. I'm actually a driver, so as soon as I leave here, drive it. Oh, I didn't know that. Hope your Bluetooth works.

What are we talking? Town car? Uber? Piat? Very little. Right outside. I love a Piat. Italian. Yeah, those are tiny. What do those look like? I don't know what they look like. Is that like Italian job type? Mini Cooper type car? Similar.

A little different. That was kind of a fun movie. Best vehicle in New York City. Parking is the greatest. You can park anywhere. It's like a micro penis. Parking works if you have a small dick. Yeah, you can park anywhere. Excuse me, you have to move. I can park here. No spot wants to have you if you got a micro dick. That one right there.

Red? It's actually white. Well, that's a Mini Cooper. Yeah, that one right there. There you go. That was a fun last scene. That's a Mini Cooper. Just driving those tiny cars. Oh, yeah. Great movie. Remake. Yeah. I never saw the original. When's the last time you drove somewhere?

It's been during the pandemic. New York has some great drivers. Well, I'm a terrible driver, dude. So my ex was like, I want to see how bad a driver you actually are. So she's pulled over in like a parking lot and she was like, this is pretty bad. Wow. And there's no one around. I was like,

I was like, it's not that bad. She was like, it's fucking bad. Patreon. Mark teaches Sam to drive. I would love to teach you to drive. Really? I could teach you to drive stick tomorrow. Really? Yeah, not on my car though. I don't want you to ride that thing. What are you driving? I got a 1973 BMW 02. That's right. Should we actually do a Patreon of this? That would be pretty fun. Yeah, we could go to get a rental car from...

There you go. Turo. You ever use Turo? Yeah, they got nice stuff. They got some good tuna. Nice. Nice. What's that mean? Turo. Turo. Oh. I was making it. It was like a Norman type joke. It was for you. Is that a type of tuna? Yes. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Sorry. This is pretty amazing. This is in Germany. This woman was parking her car. And she asked her friend, what does this mean? Like, Frauenparkenplatz? And she told her what it means. Oh.

Uh-oh, that's not what I wanted. Ah, Google bit. You're on a cold streak today, man. Come on. You couldn't find the Nutella thing I wanted earlier? You're pulling up nonsense? What the fuck is going on? Can I explain this other than? This is pretty funny. So she pulls into the parking spot and she asks her friend, what does this sign mean? And it turns out the sign means women's parking. And she said, well, why is it women's parking? Don't look at the screen. She said, why is it women's parking? And she said, oh, because we make the spaces bigger.

In Germany. Is it bad at driving? Yeah. And what I like about it is it's like, this is super utilitarian. We're not making a judgment about, we are making a judgment. Women drivers are just like, they keep hitting cars, so we made the spaces wider. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. They're very practical as Germans. They're practical. What do they got for the Asian people? They don't let them drive. He said it. I would never say something like that. That's true. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. He can say it.

Yeah, you know no one ever talks about an Asian fish. All of you bailed on me on that sofa. I liked it. I liked it. Wow. Welcome to my world. This is my Shane Gillis moment. I think... Too late. I think Asian drivers are terrific. Yeah, we are. We're good people. I remember driving once and it was so bad that you ever have that where you have to just like, some guy's like, fuck you, you fucking suck. And I have to just roll down the window and be like, I know. I'm fucking sick.

Sam.

Oh my God.

Somebody please face swap Sam into this and send it to us immediately. Photoshop. Yeah, it does. It does hurt, actually. What if you get to where you're going and it's a job interview and I turn out to be the boss? I'm not going to a job interview! You could be. Folks, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Sheet Underwear, the official underwear of comedy. What do you got? Uh-oh, he's got it.

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Yeah, you got to learn to drive. My lady can't drive. And it sucks if we'll go on road trips. And I'm like, just give me like an hour. You drive for an hour and she'll drive for like 10 seconds. And I'm like, I got it. She's that bad? It's bad. Why is she so bad? She's Boston. I guess she's from like the city in Boston. No, she's from the Burbs. But I think she just doesn't care enough. She's like not dedicated enough to not. She'd rather look at her phone than wreck.

In Germany, she'd fit right in. Huh? In Germany, she'd fit right in. That's right. But she hits the curb immediately, or the guy next to her is like, you're coming into my lane. And I'm like, pull it over. I've got to drive. You taking that Beamer Anywhere fancy? I take it to gigs that are like an hour and a half away. No further. I'm too scared of getting stranded.

Oh, it breaks down all the time? It never has, but I know it's coming. You know, it's those gigs early on when I'd be opening for people and they'd be like, you can drive, right? And I'd be like, yeah. And then I'd be driving. I remember I was opening for a guy and he was like, pull over, dude. Yeah. He's like, this is bad. He brought me so he could work on his laptop while I drove. Right. And then he was pretty fucking pissed. Yeah.

And it was Tracy Morgan. I drove, Che had a gig in like, like a college gig. Che can't drive, right? Che can't drive. I would think, yeah, most city kids can't drive. Uh, uh,

what's it called? I think it was probably, we were like four years. He had just gotten SNL or something. He was doing SNL. So he had like a big college gig or something. And we were driving, I was driving and it was one of these moments where I was like, I should not be driving because we were in a car that should not be in the snow.

And I could tell Che had never driven before because I'm white knuckling this thing. It's snowing. We're going upstate New York. We're behind like a salt truck. And it's like spraying salt at us. And Che's just playing on his phone. Super cash. Meanwhile, there's a cliff on one side and a bunch of houses on the other. We're about to die, bro. You don't understand. I'm going 20 miles an hour. You're going down like, and he's on snood. What the fuck? Sudoku.

I want to get a car in the city. Really? Why? Isn't it just a huge waste of money here? I think you get a lot of... You can expand the things you do that aren't comedy. I agree. I want to go hiking and shit. I want to just take mind clearing... Take it on the train.

What's that? That Hudson Valley drive, though, is beautiful. Yeah, that's beautiful. But so is the train up to Hudson Valley. That's true. Have you ever taken a train up there? Very nice. Along the river. And also, you take a train up there and you rent a car or you Uber or something. Yeah, but he's got a couple bucks now. You live in what, Brooklyn? Yes, sir. Oh, you got a little space out there. We're working, you know? Yeah. Just taking a little cruise up. I get it. Late night drive. The car is nice. I just think in New York...

Do you have a car? No. Never had a car. I don't know. Never had a car. Never had a car. He's from Brooklyn. He's from New York, too. I got my license when I was 28. Oh, shit. Damn. But you can kind of drive. I've been in a car with you before. I'm a good driver. Yeah, yeah. He's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I had a gig in Poughkeepsie two weekends ago, and not bragging, but that drive up made the trip. Beautiful. Beautiful town. Well, it's so weird that...

I mean, it depends where you go, obviously, but that train ride going to, like, Albany, it's beautiful. Oh, yeah. Until you get to Albany. Yeah. And then you're like, what the fuck? What happened? Oh, my God. This is the capital. The beauty ends at the sign that says, welcome to Albany. Yeah. And then Cuomo grabs you.

Yeah, that really is a dump Albany. Yeah. Buffalo as well. I like Buffalo actually. Rochester, Syracuse. No, Buffalo's got heart I think. Buffalo's the best one. I like Buffalo. When did you go to Buffalo last? Less than a year. I went to Buffalo in October. Great food, great people. Have you been to Chef's? The Italian food in Buffalo is excellent and the wings are incredible. I got a weird love for Buffalo.

What? Buffalo Wing. Of course. There you go. I got love for Buffalo. Syracuse is a shithole, obviously. Ugh, PU. I did Albany and Syracuse and Hartford in a three-day one-nighter run. Oh, that's the Bermuda Triangle. It was sad. It was brutal. That doesn't even make sense in terms of routing. I think it was Hartford. First. And then...

I'm pretty sure it was Albany. It should be you just walking into Hartford getting stabbed doing the gig. You go into Buffalo, you get stabbed. We were driving up and there was a three, four hour pileup on the highway. So we went straight from Hartford, dropped all our shit off at the hotel and then had to jet to the, I think Albany Funny Bone or Syracuse Funny Bone, one of those dude clubs. I was like, this place is ass. That Syracuse Funny Bone, that mall.

is really like if you don't get shot there consider it a w really a fucking dump i'll be there this summer guys coaches the coach's wife got fucking mugged there really wow yeah the coach is well that's all there is in that town i know the orange it's a player they got cut from the team

Yeah. Nice one. I've shot it that way. Look up chef, pull up chef's restaurant in Buffalo, dude. It's like a pasta parm. It's like a brick of cheese. I mean, look, you're going to want to commit suicide after eating it, but it's the best fucking thing you've ever put in your mouth. It's unreal. Just a brick of cheese and pasta.

All right. Oh, my God. Oh, the marinara is phenomenal. Look at that. Look at that. Tell me that you wouldn't have. That's cheese? Dude, it's so good. That looks ridiculous. I mean, we made the mistake. I was with, of course, Kid Garissimo, Gary Veeder. Oh, yeah. And he was like, let's fucking, he's like, let's go to this place before the show. Oh. I want to die. Yeah, of course. That was also the infamous oyster weekend where Gary thought it was a good idea to get takeout oysters.

In Buffalo. And then he took one and he's like, it's fine, shut up. And he takes, he slurps one. I'm like, yeah, fuck it. What the hell? We'll go down together. So I slurp one. I listen to him on stage. I can hear him on stage going, and I'm like, oh, it's going to hit me in a second. So I go on stage. I'm like, whoa.

Oh, no. All because of his dumb optimism. You guys are so brave to be... I don't eat shit. Brave? We're fucking idiots. Before each... I mean, those are two synonymous things a lot of times. Brave and stupidity are like two brothers, you know?

I rarely eat before getting on stage. I can't. No, it's a nice thing. It's like a nice reward usually for after the set. But if you're doing two shows, you usually plan out that you do in between, right? Yeah, but nothing's open when I get off stage. Exactly. I always eat before. No, I do in between if I'm doing two. But if I do one, yeah. I mean, I like – it's nice to have something to look forward to. Yeah, yeah.

I do the diva shit of having the club bring me something while I'm on stage, like in the green room. Yeah. That's nice. That's a good move. Do one of those, you know? So speaking of the road, are you guys working on any new bits? Oh, shit. I got a couple. I got a couple ideas. Yeah, what do you guys got? New bits? I'm talking right now on stage, I'm talking about going to therapy.

Is therapy new for you? Yes, it's very new. What prompted the therapy decision? I'm trying to stop touching kids. We'll see if it works. It's not easy to quit. I got the patch. Chewing the gum? It was what we were talking about earlier about coming home that night when I was super drunk. My wife was like, I have definitely latent anger issues from when I grew up as a kid, how I grew up as a kid.

And like finally this year, I was like, I should probably see somebody. You should stop hitting her and talk about it. Is this from the parents? The anger stuff? Parents, family, yeah, for sure. Is anyone else in your family in therapy? Yes. Multiple people in my family are in therapy, as they should be. I think everyone, Indian people don't go.

Right. And I'm just trying to get sponsors. I don't think it's a necessity therapy, but I do think a lot of the people that are like, therapy is a joke, really need therapy. They definitely need to talk to somebody. They really do, yeah. How long have you been going? I haven't been in a while, but I went for a long time. Right. Very long time. Have you gone? I've been going for years now, yeah. I push Mark into it. He got me in. And what do you think? I love it. Game changer. Although Alan, our therapist, pulled a weird one the other night. Tell me if you've had this. I leave there. We had a good sesh.

20 minutes later, I get a text. He goes, I thought of something else. Can we do another session? And I'm like, well, wait a minute. Is this a grift? He owes a bookie, dude. Yeah. It's like, hey, I need you to come back. And it's like an upsell. Right. No, I haven't had that. I mean, my therapist has only worked for me. I've only worked with my therapist for like,

six sessions now okay and it does it i'm always like it's so expensive sure yeah it's insane it's so much for you to just lie to yourself well that's the thing it's very that's true you know that's true does not talk to anybody but it is incredibly expensive but this is the good part it's almost like a relationship where the beginning is the most fun so you have a you have a male therapist

I haven't gone in a while, but yeah, he was a man. Did you purposely make that decision, or were you like... No, I think if it was a woman, I would have been open to that. But then there's definitely that Dr. Melfi sexual chemistry. Sure. You got that right. Yeah. You want to fuck Alan? Yeah. Want to. No, he doesn't take your opinion into account. He just forces himself on you. Yeah. Use those tissues. That's the shit I'm working on right now. No, we...

Is yours a woman? Yeah, mine is a woman. Is she hot? I don't find her attractive, no. Perfect. White lady? Yes. Okay. The first therapist I went to was probably 20, right before pandemic happened. 20? 2020. Oh, I thought you were saying your therapist was 20. No, no, no. Good vision. Doogie Howser therapist. He's like, you just need a TikTok. That's your problem. Have you tried Athletic Greens? It was an Indian woman.

And because I was told like go, if you're going to go to a therapist as an Indian person, you should probably talk to someone Indian who understands like the cultural context of the things you're going to be talking about. And I started talking to her and it just, the vibe was off from the sense of like she was just like on her phone and like listening. On her phone? Like it felt like she was just like being dismissive. Huh. And I was like, okay, well, but it was even in that session that I had like a breakthrough. I was like, okay.

This lady's not it. Yeah. If I wanted to talk to someone who was going to ignore me the whole time, I would have just been on a date with an Indian chick as opposed to... Yeah. But the next person I... I started Googling recently to find somebody and then the most qualified people are women in terms of like PhD in trauma psychology or like medical... Do you have trauma? What's that? Do you think you have a lot of trauma? For sure. So my cousin...

My cousin is an alcoholic and we grew up together. And so I'm like, well, we grew up together and basically saw the same shit that he saw that made him who he is. Make it made him have what he has. I was like, I probably got some shit in my brain that I didn't has manifested as comedy as opposed to boozing all the time. But yeah,

I should probably talk to somebody at this, at the same level. Yeah. And if a trauma psychologist can handle like a, a war vet, she can. Right. Handle this fucking dumb ass, you know? Like, I've only killed like one person. So it's like, what are you gonna do? Is there, are you still close with your cousin? Is he alcoholic? Yeah, yeah. We talk all the time. And your cousin is like, it's a serious problem? Well, he's, he's sober now. Uh,

But yeah, it was a serious problem. He's on the mend and talking to therapists. Come on, what'd you see?

Dead body. Domestic violence. Oh, okay. Which is strange because none of our parents were cops. It was just like Indian people go through a lot. Yeah. At least the generation above me went through a lot of shit. And so for them to be like, we don't need it. It was your parents. No, not my parents. Ah.

But it was always around. It was always lingering. Yeah. And so it would be like... But it was in your family. For sure. So seeing that made it like... I know that impacted me subconsciously. Like, I don't remember shit of my childhood. And I should. Yeah. You think you blocked it out? It's probably just gone. Yeah. Where the fuck is it? I think I got a few of those too. These repressed memories. And I don't want them to come up.

Because I think they're pretty dark. You can hear more about it in Mark's new one-man show, Daddy Now. It's a really, really strong one. But that made me...

like i should talk to somebody like i don't have i'm not like out punching people and hitting things yeah like i know that's in me right like there's an anger in me for sure i've never seen that side of you and and we don't know each other super well three more of these baby i've gotten drunk with you before and you're not a bad drunk i think that's part of the problem too is like

You can use this shit as medicine. None of us are bad drunks. Yeah. So we can keep drinking. The bad drunks usually have to quit. I'm assuming your cousin who is an alcoholic, either it was affecting his life in some way or he was a bad drunk. He was not a bad drunk. That's the scary part. Yeah. Some of the best, quote unquote, alcoholics you don't even know. Right. They're just like, for years, I mean, granted. So what made him quit?

He hit rock bottom. It was like mid-pandemic where he was just like, he was trying to quit himself. And when you're an alcoholic, tries to quit themselves, they go cold turkey, they go through withdrawal. Withdrawal for an alcoholic, for someone who's been drinking for a very long time, is like you pass out and you get the shakes. That's why I don't quit. Keep going. And he's just like, he called me. He's like, bro, I need you to come back.

I'm like, what's wrong? He's like, I just passed out in the bathroom. I'm like, what? And then we went down. He told us all this shit. I was like, what the fuck? Like, for years we didn't know.

Like a, like a, like pints a day habit. Whoa. How the fuck are you functioning, bro? And then, you know, got a kid on the way at the time. It's like, oh, this, you, you have to change because this is not healthy. And my other cousins, the doctor was like, yeah, this is you on the path to being dead by 50. If you keep drinking like this, because it's like we fuck around with this kind of stuff. But like the way he was drinking, it was like you, you are drinking way too much, like a pint every day.

Yeah. Two hours or so, I was like, you're going to die. Yeah, that's crazy. You know? Pine of liquor. Absolute vodka. What?

Weird plug, but drink up, guys. Can't smell on your breath, everybody. Remember when Absolute had those really cool ads when it was like, the absolute tough guy would be like Steve McQueen, the absolute this, and then be like, the absolute vodka. And you're like, I'm not going to lie, as far as ad sales go, not too shabby. No, no. We used to have them up on the wall. They had that campaign. Was it them or Smirnoff?

Would you have a drink with you? Whoa, shit. I don't want to hear that. No. No, I would not. That's why I drink, you fucks. I hate myself. Yeah, the drink silences me.

Damn. I remember when Smirnoff took over for that. It was like the Bond vodka, and I was like, slow down. Bond vodka? Yeah, no. Oh, James Bond. Like James Bond would order like a Smirnoff, and I'd be like, what is he, a 13-year-old girl? Yeah. Bond's drinking Smirnoff now? Come on. No, you order fucking goose or like some classy vodka if you're fucking Bond. Or some shit you never heard of. Yeah. Top, top show. Some Polish-Russian cool shit. Yeah. Right. Smirnoff, shaken, not stirred. Shut up. That's my audition.

They're looking for a new guy. We need an Indian Bond. We do. Who is the next...

Bond is like one of those things where like, maybe like Idris Elba like aged out of it now because he would have been the cool choice, I think. Yeah. Because he was so fucking cool in Luther. Oh, yeah. So cool. And he's British, too. And he's sexy and dread dapper. And he's like cool as fuck. But you need like, but they're probably going to go younger because they want to franchise that shit. I think Ed Sheeran. I hope they go Dev Patel. That's my vote. Dev Patel, James Bond. Who's Dev?

He was in his biggest role was Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My vote goes to Dylan Mulvaney. I think that she would make a great Bond. Look at this beautiful man. Yeah, not too shabby. He's got to do it.

Oh, yeah, better than Cal Penn. He's just too goofy. He's too silly. No one's even mentioning him in the running football. I'm trying to name all the Indians I know. How are we doing? No one's mentioning him either. Well, hold on. What about Aziz? I'm just shouting, Riz Ahmed would be great. He's a really good actor, yeah.

Oh, that's way better. He's hotter. He's suave, man. That's a suave dude. Yeah, that's a suave dude. Oh, he's the guy in the Def movie. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's good. Sound of Metal. Sound of Metal. He's a killer. That's a Bond right there. But he's short. Ah.

I think he's like 5'8 or something. I guess it was Tom Cruise at work. I was going to say. Very good. Dustin Hoffman. Man, I was watching, by the way, such a classic. Tootsie was on TV the other day. Oh, yeah. That's such a funny movie, man. Great movie. Dustin Hoffman just fucking killed it in that movie. Yeah, drag. Drag. Yeah. Band in Nashville.

Really? No, I'm just kidding. Tootsie is. There's a new Bill. You can't watch Tootsie on cable. We're shooting a movie. Bill Lee is like, I'm sorry, guys. We tried, but it's a really hurtful movie. No, he kills it. It's such a funny movie. Jessica Lange was a fucking dime piece. Oh, so hot. She was great bone structure. I know I sound like a serial killer, but she had great bone structure. Real taut skin.

Indian bond. We got something here. That would be fun. Yeah. We'll never happen. The Brits would never allow it, but true. Oh, we do. Are we working on bits? So what's give us a therapy bit you're working on. I think I did a lot of them. Oh yeah. What do you got? I got one. So I was seeing a woman who, uh,

This is the idea I have. I don't know where to go with it quite yet, but she told me... We did that thing where we dig into the sexual past, which is always a very smart game to play with a person. Yeah, the body count. No drama ever comes from that. And she divulges that she slept with Liam Neeson once. Whoa! And...

Years ago. I have a particular set of skills. I don't. He's got a huge dong, by the way. I don't know if you've heard that. Pull it up. She said he wasn't great. How do you know about every dude? She said it wasn't good, whatever. But I didn't go into that. I've heard that, too. We didn't go into detail. But here's the thing.

Here's the angle I have. I don't know if you ever watched Schindler's List and got bummed out for a different reason. Oh, that's great. That's great. And then something like this line didn't hit, but there's something like this where I'm like watching it like, hey, Oscar, you left one name off that list. I like that. You know what I mean? There's got to be something. I think it's hilarious to realize because Schindler's List, I definitely stop pulling up pictures of. Her virginity was taken. All right.

Sorry, sorry. No, I like this. It's Schindler's List thing for the... You're upset for a different reason. It's great. And there's something about watching that movie where you're just like, this is a...

It's funny to be like, wow, I never realized how sad this movie was. You're like, what do you mean all the Jews? You're like, nah. That's good. I don't know. I'm thinking there's something there though, right? Yeah, definitely. What do you got, Marcus? All right. This is a bit of a stretch maybe, but I can't end this joke. It's hitting up top and it falls off a cliff.

So I went to this party in Brooklyn, warehouse, rager, DJ, people dancing. I went with a buddy and he goes, man, it's a zoo in here. And I was like, it's weird that people say that because you ever been to a zoo? Pretty orderly. You know, it's just people walking around, taking photos. A lot of animals sleeping. Yeah, a lot of sleeping animals. This is like, people always say that about a wild, this place is wild, it's a zoo. But the zoo is the opposite of wild. The wild is wild.

And then I need an ending. That part all hits. I've never seen a panda get taken out in a headlock. Yeah. Did you see a woman shitting in the corner? Just walk away from it. Yeah, right. By the way, it was like a zoo. What, are there children there? I don't know. Also, like...

I went to an old folks home once, and it's sad. They're not allowed to leave. I'm like, this is a zoo. Maybe that's the end of it. Okay, okay. It's a zoo in here. They're going to die here? Yes, yes. They were put in here by their children. Yeah. The only difference between the old folks home and the zoo is the old folks home, no one visits. Oh, good tag, good tag. I love it.

Hey. Comedy. I was just trying to think of how you could tie Cuomo into that somehow killing all the old people, but I haven't made the leap yet. Jokes are fucking fun. Oh, yeah. Love jokes, dude. This is an area I'm playing with, but this is a true story. A few weeks ago, I went to Bloomingdale's. There's this middle-aged white guy in there, and he's yelling at no one in particular. Literally just yelling at people.

I need a tuxedo. No one's helping me find it. He's like, yep, yep, straight up yelling. I confronted him. I was like, bro, this ain't, this is not the subway. You can't just be yelling at people. What the fuck are you doing? He's like, get away from me. You're being a bully right now. And,

And I laughed because I was about to fucking twist his titties and shit. But like I try to do the right thing at all times. And I walked away from this guy after just like laughing in his face. And my therapist was like, so what do you think you did wrong? You walked, you confronted him, you told him to calm down. You walked away. I was like, I knew where the tuxedos were the whole time. I could just go up the stairs and make a left. I don't know. I don't know what the end is beyond like.

What compelled me to confront him as opposed to telling him, hey, man, like, I'll help you. Right.

Right, right. What is it in me? That's the comedian. You know? You want the funny story. Helping is not funny. There's no justice in being like, oh, it's right there. Yeah. Asshole. Yeah. There's no justice there. No. There's justice. Maybe the turn is that like, yeah, have you done this on stage yet? Yeah. And does it get a laugh when you go, I knew where they were the whole time? Yeah, but it doesn't feel complete. Right, right, right, right. Also something funny that this guy is...

the biggest asshole but he's trying to be formal right like I like the idea like who's who's marrying your daughter sir this poor you know new boyfriend is fucked this store is not that big man yeah what event is having you yes hopefully it's a funeral yeah it's like he's the worst James Bond ever I thought about I thought about I hope your gala gets canceled hope you gotta wear a suit like an asshole like but it's so where's the tuxedo but if you helped him he would have thought you worked there and then you'd be suiting this guy up for a tuxedo

Right. And then he was just gone on living his shitty entitled life. What was his vibe? Middle-aged white dude, Rolex on one wrist, French bulldog on the other. Damn. Like...

Rolex on one of the French Bulldogs wrists. Yes, money. This guy was moneyed up. Not moneyed enough to be at Bergdorf, but moneyed enough to be yelling at Bloomingdale's looking for a tuxedo. Right. It's like, who the fuck kind of asshole? It's strange he accused you of being the bully when he's clearly bullying the- Yes. What did you say to him again? Projecting. I just told him, like, hey, just don't yell at people. Be polite. Like, what the fuck are you doing here? Yeah. He said, don't talk to me like that. You don't know who I am.

Could be funny to be like, and they say, hey, don't yell at people. It's not nice. You're like, I should have known that was a bad move just from my relationship. But something like that. Oh, yeah. Because that doesn't work with women either. When you say, hey, don't yell. That doesn't stop things. No, no. Calm down. Yeah. You ever tell a woman to calm down? They don't calm down. They don't calm down. Yeah. People don't like that. Yeah. What if I...

What if I go to where the tuxedos are and put one on? Like, this is where they are. Oh, yeah. I don't know what the end is. Yeah. Because you know what? You have a bit where like, oh, the bones are there. You want the button at the end. Yeah, like I got to close it up and walk out of the store with the tux in my bag kind of thing. That's what it feels like. Huh.

I'm adding that into the therapy chunk of just like, you know, a therapy material. Just like I am trying to be. I didn't help him. Yeah, there's something funny about like I didn't help him. I think bringing it back to you is where the joke is going to end up being. You know? So why did you confront him? Part of me was, well, part of me was like he's just yelling at people. And another part of me was one of the staff that walked past him because it seemed like the staff was ignoring him. Like he was just like a fucking lunatic. Yeah.

And he's just been a dickhead to everybody. And one of the staff was like this probably 70-year-old Indian guy who walked past him and just didn't say anything. And I guess part of me was triggered by that. Like my grandpa used to work at Macy's. Right. And I was just like, what the fuck are you just yelling at people in the store? Yeah. Like I've never been in a situation where I'm looking for something.

And you belittle people. And I belittle people because I'm not getting help. I'm like, I'm of the mind, like, I'll look for shit myself until the last second. Or I'll just be like, hey, excuse me, sir. Yeah. You'd be decent. Well, I mean, yeah. I have a bit of my last special where...

a woman was just being horrible to a tsa agent and vita and i confront her and we just start talking shit to her and it's like yeah there's there's it's about justice the punchline is justice so it's like something about who the fuck do you like there should be rules to get to wear a tuxedo like we're sorry sir we can't sell you a tuxedo it's almost like getting kicked out of the store yeah interesting you're not allowed to wear that because you're not

You're not sophisticated enough. Yeah, you're a low-class piece of shit. You don't get a fucking tuxedo. The suits are over there. Yeah, the sweatpants are down the hall. So, sorry, we can sell you Crocs or sweatpants at best. Yeah, there should be a polite and esperant like at a roller coaster. There's a height.

This should be politeness. This isn't it. No. I don't know. I'm fishing now. That is something you could add into it. Yes, yes. But I think it's about you. I think that's the bit. It comes back to you. Yeah, some misdirection like, and then I found the tuxedos and I married his daughter or something. Somewhere he loses. I took his dog and I don't know what it is. Took his dog and fucked it.

Guy who can't find a punchline. Right on Rolex time. Yeah, maybe you steal his Rolex at the end. You know? Huh. Well, this has been fun. Ah, shit. I know this. We don't solve all the fucking jokes. I know there's something. No. There's definitely something there. It's just start a conversation to get the mind working. Yeah. Like that Liam Neeson joke ain't ready for stage either, but it's something there. You're on the way. I like it with the worst thing about the Schindler's List. Can I ask, when you make a reference like that,

How confident are you that... So how old are your crowds?

I think they're pretty young. Early 30s? Yeah, they're all over the place, but you get a little bit of everything. When you make a reference to a movie that's 1994? Yeah. That is like the Holocaust reference, though. I feel like young people know that movie. It's like an essential movie. It's also a Spielberg movie. It's a school assignment. I know. Really? We didn't see Schindler's List in school. We saw The Pianist.

Oh, also great. Great movie. Adrian Brody. True story. Well, you know what's fucked up is he actually fingered her too. I'm kidding. I'm trying to think of an ending to this joke. One of my security codes is Schindler's List because it's one of my first movies I ever saw.

In the movie theater. Oh, you mean like the bank drop-down question? Yeah, they have those questions. What's your first movie you ever saw? Schindler's List. That's dark. That's your first movie? Liam Neeson's great in that movie. It's a great movie. Great movie, but it's three hours of Holocaust death. Yeah, and a lot of violence. And I think that's why it was so interesting because it was too premature. It was too early. That's my critique of the Holocaust movie. Too much violence. Yeah, it was too early for that. I could have done without the violence.

Oh, yeah. It's my takeaway. Yeah. And when it came out, it was like, oh, my God, this is, you know, rich. When you're young and they show you those movies, you're like, holy shit, there's my intro. But it's good as a kid to be shocked.

I guess. No, it is. Tell that to my babysitter. I think it is good. I think you should be shocked and horrified because that's what it is. It's a true story. You should watch slavery and Holocaust movies and be like, what the fuck? Of course. You should be in like sixth or seventh grade and be horrified. Well, what do you think about like taking out the N-word and Mark Twain and shit?

That's shocking. What do you think? It's tough. I don't like editing. I don't like editing either. I don't like editing work. Reality is real. It happens. Reality is real. It's a good thing your girlfriend didn't see Date, Chew, or Tell, Edge of Four.

Wait, say that again? He was making a 12 years of slave joke. What I bumbled Chewie a tail edgy for. Doesn't trip off the tongue. That's a hard name to say. That was 12 years of punchline right there. Jesus Christ.

I thought you had a stroke. Salacuse died on this episode, guys. So did the joke. Well, dude, this has been a great app, man. We're happy you came on. Plug some gigs. There we go. Oh, and the new special. My new special is called Lucky Lefty. It should be out April 30th. Hell yeah. On YouTube. Please go watch it. Oh.

All right. And, yeah, we love you, man. It's great to see you. Thank you so much. Yeah, good stuff. Fun time. Definitely support and follow Nimesh Patel. Congrats on the therapy. Thank you, man. I know. It sounds...

Joking around but truly like it's not easy to do that shit. Yeah, it means you're you know maturing Progressing I don't think I'm gonna stop touching kids This is the problem. Yeah, and we've been be demonetized a Lot of gigs coming up for me what we got a cheese when does this come out late May so go to late May

June here for you. Can you read it in my eyes? Yeah, June 4th in Richmond, and then Greensboro, North Carolina, Asheville, Charlotte, North Carolina, Knoxville, Tennessee on June 8th, Memphis, Tennessee, and we got Birmingham, Chattanooga, all over the place. I don't know when this comes out for Memphis, but tickets still available.

Yeah. Goddamn, you're working, man. Look at this shit. And then the Paramount Theater in Denver. Oh, that one. That's a great room. We added there, so that's going to keep. Please come. Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. I love San Antonio. I do, too. I have a weird love for San Antonio. I was there last week. It's like, dude, there's something about the Mexican food. It's incredible. The culture. It's like a cool city. Next time you're in San Antonio, go to...

Best quality daughter. Asian restaurant run by a chef who I think was in New York and then moved to San Antonio. A little awkward for a Chinese place. Don't they kill the daughters? No, they kept this one. It was a quality daughter. It's a very good restaurant. Oh, and support our good friend Stavros Halkias who Matt Salke's directed at four nights in New York City. You know, we love Stavi baby here.

I think it's 600,000 views in two days. That guy pushes numbers, man. He did six of the Vic, six of the Wilbur, whatever. He is killing it. That's free on YouTube if you go to Stavros' page.

And we have some dates for Mark. And we love him. All right, I'll be in Australia. Come on out, say hello. Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, you name it, doing a theater tour out there. They're announcing a theater tour this summer with, I don't know, Outback or one of those. So come on out, say hello, marknomancomedy.com.

Let's thank our bartender. Lisa. Thank you very much. Thank you. Guys, make sure to buy Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. By the time this episode's out, maybe it's fucking legal in New York finally. Pray not lie. It's about fucking time. Everybody's asking about it. We did our part. You got to register it. Yeah, it's a whole legal red tape mumbo jumbo jumping through hoops. But we're getting there.

So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Get yourself a tuxedo. Have a good one.