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Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. Special guest, Miss Pat. We were just saying, I met you years ago. I don't know if you remember it, but we met on Last Comic Standing.
Briefly. Was you part of the last group? Absolutely not. I was gone early. Oh, was you? I think I made it one episode. Yeah. How about you? You were on for a while? I made it till they picked day eight. That's pretty good. That's good. That's good TV time. Oh, it sucked. I got eliminated on my birthday. What? Damn. Harsh. It was Kenan, Roseanne, and- Russell Peters? Norm. Oh.
Wow. Norm was really cool to me, but Kenan, I think, buried me and I was like, I'm done. I didn't think Norm liked me. Oh, okay. Well, he's been known to be racist.
he would say that after he's dead you would have never said that shit if he was alive no we would try to get him on although I think Roseanne was the one who took Ambien that was before Ambien she was very nice I knew her before I love Roseanne I do too we call it BA before Ambien was she nice to you?
Yeah, I did a show called The World Funniest Mom, and she was like the host of it years ago. And I opened in Vegas for a couple times. So she was always nice. And then she went Trump crazy, and she blocked me on Twitter. No way. She blocked you? Yeah, I was like, I thought we was friends, Roseanne. Wow. Yeah, she blocked me on Twitter. I feel like she's back on the scene now. I see her doing sets. Yeah, I see her out.
You know, I see her pop up here and there. I bet if you saw her, she'd be cool with you face to face. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you know, people, we all get a little crazy in there sometimes. Here, here. We all go a little mad sometimes. Huh? We all go a little mad sometimes. Psycho. Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that shit. Scream also. It's what? Scream. Scream also, yeah. Skeet Ulrich. Oh, yeah. Skeet Ulrich. He was a sexy. Who's Skeet Ulrich? That guy from the 90s, that actor? Yeah.
Scream. Scream. I don't want to give it to you. Yeah, he's as good as it gets. The hate crime is as good as it gets. Yeah. Beats up Greg Kinnear. Yeah, that's him. Remember him? Well, he do. Oh, he was just quoting him in the movie. He literally says that. He goes, Anthony Perkins, psycho. Yeah, he quotes him. Yeah.
He said we all get a little mad sometimes. Oh, okay. Going off what you said. What are we drinking tonight? Today. It's the day for us. We're doing Amaretto Sours. Somebody must have told you that's what I drink. That's what you drink? Yeah, we asked Roseanne. Do you do a traditional one? Well, damn, yeah. What kind do you usually do? Just like sour mix and disarona? Sour mix and disarona. Are you open to a fresh one then? Yes.
Look at you with the limes all lined up. What a pro. Where the hell y'all get this sexy ass boxing? I know, right? How y'all seen a boxing on a podcast? I grew up in Atlanta just like you. Really? What's that a thing? I'm from Norcross. Oh, he's from where the money at. I was born in Northside Hospital though. Oh, Northside Hospital. That don't even take Medicaid. Ha ha ha ha.
You got to be insured to bring your ass over to Northside and open up your vagina. They will push that baby back in your ass and send you down to Grady Hospital. I was born at Northside Hospital. You'll never hear me say I was born at Grady Hospital. At Grady, they drop the kids and give them ID and tell them to get a job the day they come out the vagina.
I don't remember the hospital. I just remember my mom kept the pamphlet because my brother and I were on the front of it. It was like from the late 80s. Dave was on the pamphlet at the hospital? That's when you know you're a cute kid. It's definitely all white kids, though, for sure. I know it's all white kids. You got to tell me shit. Yeah, we're trying to move product here. It's a few black kids now. It's changed. It's changed. Wow, you guys are lucky. I was born in a living room.
Really? Yeah. I thought you were going to say I was born in a holler. I thought he was going to say a trailer. Oh, I wish. Hey, Pam. Hello, Pam. What happened? Your mama was loose and just let you go? She was on the toilet. She forgot. No, she... An Elvis birth. Yeah. I think she was just, you know, procrastinating. She was procrastinating if you just fell out like that. Yeah. Who cut your coat? I think my dad.
Oh, well, you know, your parents probably playing this shit. Maybe they're a little hippy dippy. Yeah, because, you know, white people believe in having their babies underwater and, you know, being born at the house and let the other kids slap it to make you cry. Black folks like I'm going to the motherfucking hospital when they get your mayonnaise and I can steal the napkins.
We ain't gonna be pushing all babies out anyway, anywhere. You know, probably, what are you, 20, what, 30 maybe? 39. I'm old. Yeah, you getting up there. Yeah. So your mom probably was a hippie. They smoked a little weed. They wanted to be free. Exactly. You probably got your afterbirth in the freezer. Yeah, the placenta. Yeah. Yeah. She was fun. But no, I mean, no drugs. Who didn't do drugs? My mom, like, no epidural. Oh.
She went natty? Natty, which is insanity. Which is fucking crazy. Crazy. And when people say that, I think they're, I mean, personally, I think they're stupid because that shit hurt like nothing else. Yeah. But some women are able to take that. I was like, let me tell you something. Give me enough dope for me and the baby. You hear me? Both of us need to be high. Yeah. The baby need to push itself out of me. Give me, I want all the drugs. Yeah.
Give me stitches I don't need. How many kids do you have? Four. Oh, wow. That's a lot. Good for you. You ain't got no kids? No, no. I'm barren.
What the fuck do you mean you're bare? I'm infertile. I shoot blanks. How do you know? Unlike Alec Baldwin. Well, I can... I've just... Was that an Alec Baldwin fucking joke? Somebody gonna whoop your ass with these undercover jokes you keep putting out? No, he's catching strays, and I see him in my local coffee shop all the time. Baldwin? Yeah, and I'm nervous because I posted a lot of jokes about him. Did he get an espresso shot? All right, all right.
I wanted to say hi, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I seen him one time at a, I don't know what side of town I was on. He was at like an Italian restaurant. I went with a producer one time and he was sitting next to me with a whole bunch of other celebrities. And I guess they wanted me, I felt like they wanted me to say, oh, Alex Bob, I'm not speaking if you're not speaking. Right. Yeah, you don't want to start that. Yeah, I didn't want to run up on him and shit. The man was eating noodles and shit. I ain't going to fuck with him, but he was sitting right next to me.
This was before, you know, the whole incident. Sure. Yeah, he's catching, he catches a lot of strays on this podcast. But you shoot a lot of strays. You weren't nervous? No, I wasn't. What do you mean? I ain't been shot on no movie set. Shit. Ain't nobody made a mistake and shot me. They was trying to shoot me. Right. Yeah, he was playing with a pilster. Yeah. That's how you got shot? No, that's how he shot. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, his trouble. Is he going to jail?
Nah. It's up in the air. I thought it was a manslaughter, like involuntary manslaughter. I think it's a different news story every week about it. I don't think nothing's going to happen to it. I think it was an honest mistake. It was an accident. Yeah. At least that's what I hope. Yeah. He's a nice guy. He looks exhausted. You see he's got like seven kids. Oh, I seen him again at the hotel in Beverly Hills where they shot Pretty Woman at. Oh, yeah. She got shot too? I'm kidding. What? I'm kidding.
Beverly Hills Hotel. I saw him there coming out with his wife and a whole bunch of babies on a nanny. Oh, really? A whole bunch of toddlers and small kids and a nanny. Well, his wife had so many kids that she speaks like a Hispanic person now. Here she is. I don't get it. Fake accent. She's like George Santos. Listen. She was born in Boston. Is that his wife? Yeah. Now she can do a fake accent for you. Beverly Hills.
She was born in Boston. She has a fake accent. Two white regular American parents. She puts on this fake Spanish accent because she lived in Madrid. Why? Well, no one knows.
It's very odd. Is she undercover as Alex Baldwin's wife? Because he in trouble? No, it's cultural appropriation. She's just pretending to be a... Hispanic? Yeah, no one knows why. She want somebody to feel sorry for her? I think that might be it. Oh, white women. Always stealing the world. What you gonna do next, bitch? Be the nanny?
She's done half a Dolezal, basically. There you go. She's gone like halfway. Vocal Dolezal. What do you mean? Rachel Dolezal, remember her? Oh, yeah. Rachel fooled black people because we really thought she was right. You black. Rachel really worked hard to get her skin to accept cocoa butter. Yeah, look. Pull her up. She's doing OnlyFans now. I know. I'm a member. Yeah.
Are you? You signed up? I like black women. Well, that ain't no fucking black woman. You don't give it to the fake black woman. Porn is getting so specific, though. Now it's like white women who act black. Yes, yes. Now you get a category. Who don't want to be black? We're the coolest people in the fucking world. You are cool. When you go all the way and use all the Vaseline and...
She tricked us, but we did not know that was a white woman. Let me tell you something about Rachel Dolezal. The bitch ran the NAACP, and I'm right. When you can play to be black and get all the way to the NAACP, you're good.
You black? She should get an Oscar. That's impressive. What she should have did was open up her jaw and say, I'm black! A pussy with a screen. Negro! In the words of Roseanne, I didn't know the bitch was black! My friend loves it! But you know what? I gotta tell you.
The lady who she called, who she said that to, I saw her at the breakfast club years ago. And I was like, that was a pretty damn good joke, Roseanne. Yeah, it's kind of a funny tweet. Pull her up, because she is kind of ambiguous looking. Who? She's a politician. Look at him using the correct words. I don't think she was a politician. Was she ever? I thought she was. I think she was. Like a senator or something. He's on it. We call him Google Bitch.
Here we go. I thought the bitch was white. Oh, I thought the bitch was black. Sorry, white. Valerie Garrett. Valerie. There you go. All right, let's check out Valerie. Valerie Jarrett. We gotta get Roseanne on here. I love that she says, I thought the bitch in the apology. Yeah, that's a good point. Look, she's kind of all over the road here. Look at that. I mean, Meghan Markle's blacker. Let me see. Meghan Markle is definitely blacker. Oh, yeah. I mean, that is a little ambiguous.
Is that the right way? If you go back in time, she's... Look at that. Okay, okay. Wow, she's like a reverse Dolezal. She's getting whiter. She's going the other way. She's fucking black. She's just light-skinned. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow, there you go. They're kind of alike, really. They should do a podcast together. They should do a podcast.
After she ruined her career, took her show off TV, I don't think so. Well, that was more Netflix, I'd say. But who knows? That was not Netflix. Oh, I thought it was a Netflix thing. Roseanne was ABC. It was ABC. She had the highest number. Oh, I thought it was sorry. I mean, she was getting like 20 million views. Yeah. She was like bringing back TV.
Totally. Like, it was, you know. She was killing that shit. Yeah. And it was good, too. Was it? Yeah, but what's crazy is they still on without her. I know. It's kind of harsh. I better not say the wrong thing and they keep my shit on. How many seasons are you in now? Three. This is season three. Whoa. Congratulations. That's really cool. Thank you. And you got an Emmy nomination. I got an Emmy nomination. Whoa. First time for BET or BET+. That's the first time a BET show has gotten that? Yeah, ever. Whoa.
That's huge. Yeah, it's pretty good. Wow. We over there trying to make a little bit of noise. They be trying to ignore them. We be knocking on the door. Hey, motherfucker, we over here too. How do you find out you get an Emmy now? Who tells you that? Well, it just comes out. It comes out. You found out on Twitter? No, not Twitter. My co-producer found out. Somewhere they let it go before the public knows, like for writers and stuff, through the writer's gear. How did they find out?
The noms. No, they didn't. Jordan knew it before it hit the internet. He was watching it as they was nominated, huh? It's like an announcement, the way they do the Oscars today.
I don't know where the fuck he from I thought he found it on some secret website and he came in my trailer jumping up and down and said we got nominated for Emmy and I was like what the fuck you talking about we don't BET that shit don't happen over here and he's like no we got nominated for an Emmy for the first season and it turned out to be true who'd you lose to
We lost to Ted Lasso. That's tough. That was a good show. Even just to be... The director got nominated, but even just to be
on that platform and to be up against the shows that we was up. I think Ella Elementary was in there. Ted Lasso was in there. Murder, what is it? Murder at the Elevator, some shit. Murder in the Building. That'd be a hard show to write. Murders only in the elevator. We gotta keep killing people in this one spot. This is tough.
But we was up against some good people and it was damn good. Yeah, it was it was just nice to be there. It's just not really strong. I'm not a big alcoholic person. Thank you, sir. These guys look like they drink every day. Oh shit, he got the fruit and everything. Wow. Cheers. Hey, mazel tov. Cheers to the Emmy nom. Nothing wrong with that. And it was for the it was for the pretty provocative episode, right? The nomination?
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Wow. That's nice. I'm going to take you home. You can fucking make me. This guy is a sexy. They're not using you right. I feel like this is the perfect way to use him. I don't know. I don't want to fuck him. I'm fine with this. Speak for yourself. Maybe a few more. There you go. That is damn good. Very good. It's got bodega cat in it. Not too much, but. A little bodega cat whiskey, you say. Got what in it? That's.
I was gonna go too. You want one? Y'all want one? Yeah, they do. Two. This shit is better than what we had last night. Hell yeah. He's a pro. Pam, you want one? Pammy? That's gonna get us... Absolutely. Here. Get one, Pam, so you can fall out on the way to the... Pam, does your dog want one?
Does Noodle want one? You got your dog here? I thought you... She brings her everywhere. I'm not a fucking dog. Okay. Boy, that is damn good, sir. You should do the shirtless. I heard that Norman Lear hit you up. Whoa, the legend himself. Yeah. And with his 100th birthday party. What? Wow. So he just hit you up because he's a fan. Well, he saw the show and...
He heard about the show and they sent him some episodes and he called me. Whoa. And I was fucking blown away. And my co-creator is more like of a sitcom geek than I am.
And he just called to say how much, you know, he really liked the show. You know, a lot of stuff we doing back in those days, he was trying to do what they would only let him get so far. Right. And then he gave us a big shout out on the internet. And then he ended up inviting me to his 100th birthday party. Wow. It was really nice, you know, to hear Norma Lear say, hey, you got something here. That's incredible. And it's the first thing I ever created for TV. And you get a call from...
Pimp daddy Norman Lear. Yes. The TV king. Yes. And he's so lucid at 100. It's amazing. He's like with it. I mean, I went to his birthday party and the first thing I say, hi, and the fuck are you still awake? Exactly. I'm 50. I've been asleep three times in the back waiting on my time to get on stage. I'm tired as hell. Right. Yeah.
But he was really nice. He's really nice. Yeah, what is... Did he say... Have you asked him how is he... Is that rude to be like, how are you still alive? No, I was just hoping he stayed alive until his birthday party, you know, because Betty White checked out. So I really wanted to go to his party. So I was so happy...
To know that my ticket, my plane ticket wasn't going to be wasted. Right. Thanks for not dying. United's a real bitch to get refunds from. Let me make it to the party. Let me make it to the party. He walked in like a champ. What was the party like?
A bunch of people that was on his show and a bunch of people he worked with in the industry and just stuff like that. Jimmy Kimmel was there. I met Jimmy Kimmel that night. Love Kimmel. And so we have, it was nice. The food suck ass. Really? Well, you know, Hollywood people don't eat. Oh, good point. A lot of anorexia. They chew. They don't eat. They don't swallow. Right. They don't want the real calories. Like my ex.
She didn't swallow. But yeah. Is you a part of this podcast or you just over there running your mouth? What the fuck is going on? I like that he explained the joke after. I do that all the time. Like, this is why. This is why it should have worked. Who? Did somebody dump you? No, no. I'm married.
You married? Yeah. Sorry. So who didn't swallow the X? The X. Yeah. You didn't think this joke was going to be broken down this hard, did you? No, I didn't. I'm like, who the fuck is he talking to? I just thought he was talking to somebody on the wall. Well, I'm just making a joke. I like that. It's a comedy show. I enjoyed it.
It kind of scared me when people just randomly run in their fucking mouth. Really? I'm from places where, you know, people run their mouth like there's something wrong with it. That's why I'm looking like, are you the fuck okay? I probably have some problems. I'm like, because I need to know if I need to hit you or get the fuck up. No, don't hit him. Hang out. You just randomly, a bitch didn't swallow. Who the
Tell me what's going on. I mean, ain't nobody invisible sucking your dick, is you? No, no, she was pretty big. You have a whole conversation by yourself. No, no, I'm just joking around. Didn't mean to scare you. A little bit you did. You know you got that little school shooter face, so I gotta be careful. I never finished school.
You done finished school? I'm joking. I'm finished. It's all jokes. I went to community college. No college for me. Oh, yeah? Mm-mm.
Who needs it? I regret it. I wasted six years. You know, my daughter was in, she was on her third degree. I was like, please drop out this bullshit. Yes. All it does, it puts you in debt and you're never going to leave out the house. Right. So you haven't been out the house. You never had a job. Now what the fuck you keep getting all these degrees for? Sounds nice. Huh? That sounds really nice. And so I told her, I said, come right on my show with me. So she been writing. Whoa.
Your daughter's writing on your show? Yeah, all my kids work on the damn show. Beautiful. Wow, that's great. Nepo. Yeah, nephatism, whatever the fuck they call it. What do they all do? My son works in construction. One of my daughters does makeup. And then I have a daughter-in-law that works in another department. And then I have a, my daughter writes on the show.
Wow. My friends and stuff like that. Is your daughter really funny? She should be a fucking comedian. She's very funny. Well, she's kind of technically a comedian. She's a comedic writer, right? Yeah, but she could do stand-up, too. She really could. She really could, but she won't.
She's kind of shy. But she's been writing on there now for three seasons. And we're also developing some other stuff. We just sold another show together. Wow. Where did you sell it? BET Plus. Damn. They have something over at Netflix, too. Oh, my God. I wish you were my mom.
Wow, just saying. My mom wasn't as cool. She didn't know a good gig. She made me mow the lawn. I wasn't getting a writing gig, I'll tell you that. My kids did the same shit. Oh, okay. Wow. A 40-year-old with your 50-year-old, they fucking mom. How old is your daughter, by the way? 36. Are you kidding me? Wow. No, I'm not kidding. That is, yeah, you...
I had her when I was 14, so we were a few years apart. Wow. Yeah. Do you like that you're so close in age? No. Somebody fuck me. Mike. Cheers.
I didn't plan to be a 14-year-old. That question really backfired on me. Welcome to the club. Hell no! Somebody fucked me and I can't pray. Well, I'm sorry about that. Don't be sorry. It wasn't that bad. Oh, okay. Still, you got a great relationship with your daughter. You work together. You're selling shows. But not that daughter. That daughter is 24. I'm married to her daddy. Got it. That's the first daughter. Who does he have? My gay daughter. Gotcha. Gotcha.
Okay. And I assume you don't speak to the guy who fucked you when you were 14. He didn't rape me. He fucked me. Oh, okay. I had two kids by him. He's married. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is he right on the show? Yeah.
No, he don't write. He can't fucking read. No, he don't write on the fucking show. Last time I talked to him, he had like three open heart surgeries. Wow. Wow. Damn. So I don't really talk to him. He always send me a message through Facebook. He speak emojis. But it's cool you guys are still...
You're cool. I mean, I don't have a relationship. I've been married 31 years. I have nothing to say to him. Yeah. We had a really crazy relationship. Sure. I was 12. He was 22 when I met him. Wow. Wow. That's young. What was it? Why was it so long? Well, it's young. 12 is young.
Yeah. I mean, anyone else hard? What? I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm not actually hard. The wow was you're not supposed to do that. Yes, yes. You're not supposed to fuck a 12-year-old. How was it? That was the wow. I was not on Epstein Island.
Another joke. I think the women on Epstein's Island were older. I think they were. I think they were older than Woody Allen. I hope they were older. I hope so, yeah. Yeah. Not that much older, but older. Yeah. Like 14, 15. Yeah. So I got a real question. Is it difficult disciplining a kid that's like 14 years younger than you? Because I'm 30 years older than my 7-year-old, and I can't control him.
What? You can't control a fucking seven-year-old? He's starting to talk back. Look how weak he is. You're letting a seven-year-old talk back? Exactly. Can you come over and handle some shit for me? I will beat the white off your mouth. The fuck? A seven-year-old talking back? Talking back.
See, we just, I mean, as black and white people, we just raised different. Italians and Mexicans and blacks, we kind of all the same people. White people, y'all just be like, y'all read too many fucking books to do shit. Stop.
reading the book and take the fucking life way set your motherfucking ass down you know this back in the day I'm 50 so back in the days was not a such thing as ADHD right you know my I had a special need uncle and with my special need uncle actor my granddaddy whooped his ass whoa he like sees him and he was crippled he said I told you don't piss at school before or after the beating he would tell him I'm gonna whoop your ass because you pissed on that school bus oh
Damn, that's a double whammy. How is Cecil doing now? He been there. Ah!
He's right on the show. I feel like this is, is this a cautionary tale? I don't know what the point of this story was. My uncle Cecil was special need and he got his ass beat when he act up. That's not good. He used to like to call 911 because he was fascinated with the police uniform. No, because he was scared. This was before police really started whooping niggas' asses. Right. So they used to wear bow ties in Atlanta. Really? And he would love to choke the police out.
And he choked a white woman out one time, and I'm not lying. I think I seen the police department falling out the air. They whooped my uncle's ass. They fold my crippled uncle up because he was crippled. They fold his ass up like an envelope. And they drug his ass in that paddy wagon. He went to jail. And when he got to jail, they know he was special needs. And they let him go. They ended up letting him go. My granddaddy beat his ass because he used to love it.
died 911 and hang up. And back in those days, there was no star 69. The police just came out. And when they got there, he would, anything in uniform. If my granddaddy was alive now, he would put a change around my uncle's waist because he loved people. He loved to beat the shit out of people in uniform. So when he took him to the grocery store, he would have a change around his waist. So when he'd act up, he would yank him back.
Is this in the show? This is good stuff. That is hilarious. I mean, that's gold. That's pretty funny. Oh, a flashback scene. You just make it look a little fizzy when you shoot it. Yeah. It's special, though.
Oh, about my granddaddy. I'm quite sure you all watched my special. My granddaddy, my uncle was, he was especially, back in those days, we could say the retarded, but we can't say it anymore. He would have seizures. So my granddaddy thought it was only because he couldn't bust nuts. So he would buy him pussy. And once he bought my uncle pussy, he thought that would calm down the seizures.
And me and my sister had to go in there and help my uncle get ready with the prostitute because he was crippled. You know, crippled people's knees go in like a kangaroo. Right. So we would go in there and pull his legs apart so he could get some pussy. And, you know, I didn't mind helping my uncle get pussy. It's the excitement. Because, you know, he was special needs. I stopped smoking.
I'm gonna stick a dick in this bitch so I can go play Pac-Man. That was the first dick I ever seen and it was so big. It was so fucking big. There was times I would, guys, I'd be like, you ain't got no Uncle Cesar dick. Wow. It was so big. What a waste.
No, it's not a waste. He's my granada. But he's only fucking whores, though. You don't get to. My granada bought him. My uncle's been there tearing them bitches up with his knees knocking. Wow. Well, special needs dick is bigger. Yeah, what is that? Retarded dick is bigger, I think. I grew up with a special needs kid. No Cecil. And we didn't buy him any whores, but he had a real honker. Really? It was like a parking cone.
It was insane. It was orange. It made a shape like a triangle. You're so fucking white. What was that? A honker. A honker. That's a real piano leg. By the way, what is Salacuse looking up? Is he looking up like a honker? I see you Googling. Google...
Retarded Dick, and you will see some real tree trunks. I'm not going to go with that. How quickly is this episode going to get demonetized? Why aren't we making money off the Retarded Dick episode? I'm telling you, Retard Strength. We lost all our sponsors? And Retard Strength is no joke. That's the truth because my uncle, he used to like to eat rice.
We wouldn't eat grits. And we from the South, you know, we love grits. Oh, yeah. He would only eat out of a pot with the handle burnt on the end. Whoa. So my granddaddy ended up shooting his neighbor like eight times because she called him a big black faggot or some sissy or some shit. I don't know. I'm just telling y'all. These are stories. So don't come after me for those words. Right, right. Other people's words. And so my granddaddy pulled out two pistols because his name was 38 and he shot her.
Wow. With both pistols. And so he ended up in jail and my mama had to keep Uncle Cecil and we fucked around and left his pot somewhere one day and he wouldn't eat. And my mama said, Cecil, take the goddamn plate. And he's like, how about the plate, bitch? How about goddamn pot? My mama slapped Cecil upside the head with all that rice went down his trauma, his ear. We was taking rice out of his ear for two weeks. Yeah.
Oh, man. I've heard of cauliflower ear, but this is crazy. She stuffed so much rice in my uncle's ear. And I remember when he passed away, and I had never seen a person who was crippled die. So I was like, how y'all going to put him in a casket? And he was like, we're going to break his leg. His dick was that big? No. It was an open casket. Yeah.
No. Because you know his legs would be in the air when he was sleeping. So his legs would be in the air like a bridge. But they broke his leg and he was laying straight. And he was actually a pretty tall man after he died. Wow. Wow.
Damn, you go out. There's your parenting tips. You good? Beat your kids. Yeah. Big dick. Shoot your neighbor. Shoot your uncle's pussy. Write that down. He shot him, and they both, I'm assuming, died from this. No, she didn't die. She took all the bullets. He shot him eight times, and they didn't die? She didn't die. It was a woman. Wow. He got like 10 years for shooting her. Wow. I was sitting on the porch with him that day, and he shot her finger off. Damn. She was pointing at him. It was like a Tarantino movie. Ow.
This is wild. I was holding his leg, and he said, now, bitch, I put all that hot leg in hot lead. And he told my aunt, she's like, why you shoot him, daddy? He was like, fuck her. Go back there and pour that moonshine out so they don't lob me up. You going to jail? You don't shout the shit out there later. And she was just laying in the grass bleeding. I had to be about eight years old. Wow. And my aunt's, why you shoot her, dad? Fuck her. That's what he was saying. Fuck her. Damn.
And they came and locked him up. He had both his guns. He had laid them down. Police pulled up. He said, I shot the bitch. Damn. Holy moly. Fuck her. Fuck her is also what he said to Cecil, apparently. Damn. Yeah. Wow. What a story. That is crazy. That was a Tuesday. It was during the week. Yeah. How do you make the weekend even come close? I know, right? Well, you get Cecil a hooker. That's what you do. Cecil's a great name. Yeah.
That really is. Ain't nobody named Cecil no fucking moment. One lion. Except that lion, yeah. Remember the lion Cecil? He was also shot. Also had a huge cock. He had a huge cock too? I don't know. RIP Cecil. You'll be missed. Damn. How long ago did Cecil pass? Oh, probably 20 years ago. Oh, wow.
He been gone a long time. That's a crazy story that you helped Cecil have sex. Oh, all the time. Me and my sister. And my granddad would give us 50 cent to go play Pac-Man. Oh, right. Once he get started. Because once he stuck the dick in, he was good. He could hunch. I'm the same way. He didn't know how to hold his penis and just get it in, I guess. And I guess what me and my sister put in his leg, we gave him aim. Right.
Man, that's a close-knit family. Damn. You got to write this into your show. No, I'm not going to write this into my show. I don't think they'll let me get away with that one. I'd say it's BET+. It's right. Well, I write a bunch of crazy shit in there, but I did it on a special, so I don't know. Yeah, but you could. It's probably a flashback. Flashback. But I don't even know. Where would I get the actor from?
You'd have to get a special needs person now because they get mad if you... If you imitate them. Yeah. I don't blame them. They was taking money out of their pocket. That's true. Get your ass out of that wheelchair and let me who be in the wheelchair for real be in there. There you go. I don't want you playing a big, fat, black woman. That's not fair to me. You got to get a real prostitute too for that. Oh,
yeah. Did, uh, busting the nut cure his seizures? No, I don't know where my granddad came with that stupid shit. Caesars still had Caesars all the fucking time. He, I mean, he would have seizures and we would put spoons in his mouth and shit. And, um, and it was, we, we,
we was trained as kids. He have a, just get a spoon and we couldn't use a good spoon. Right. Couldn't use his plastic either because he could swallow it. So we just get a tablespoon and stick it in his mouth and let him chew and spin. And he lay there and then he always, we always had a good cold Pepsi waiting for him when he woke up.
Nice. He liked Pepsi. All right, so there were some good times. This prostitute, we got to get her on the pod, too. I want to talk to her. Cecil was a handful. That's what we call that episode. Quite a make-a-wish. That is. Yeah, I guess that doesn't cure diseases, but I think we could definitely treat more illnesses that way. Make-a-wish. Just bang hookers. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Kids don't get to do that. I never went to Disneyland. What would you rather meet, Mickey Mouse or bang a whore? Exactly. But you know what? People don't realize that special need people need sex too. Oh, they're horny. Yes. They're backed up. They need fucking sex too. Of course. But we just sit here and treat them like they don't want to bust a nut. My granddaddy knew Cecil wanted to bust a nut. Every Friday and Saturday he had him a whore.
And he would give them pussy. Like, they would get a half a pint of gin. Because that's what my granddad sold. He sold moonshine. And he sold corn liquor. And he sold gin and single cigarettes. Wow. So if you go back there and fuck Cecil, you get a half a pint. Nice. Damn. That's worth it. That was like maybe $2 back in the day. Well, the girl got a full pint. Yeah.
Cecil. Damn, that is crazy. That's a crazy story. It's so visual, too. And the fact that you helped with the pulling the leg, all that shit. Me and my sister would pull his leg. Wow. If I saw my brother naked, I was running for the hills, let alone my special needs uncle. And he used to always beg for nickels. And he loved. He'd say, hey, girl, give me two nickels, two nickels, make a dime. But he didn't like dimes. So he would have a pocket full of change. So he always had on two belts.
because all he did was ask everybody who went in the bootleg house for nickels. Wow. So when we had to get those pants off him, you'd let that belt go. It sounded like a fucking... Jackpot. Damn. Take him to a coin store, huh? There was no coin stores back then. Oh, yeah. I think they're going away again. Are they? They're hard to find, those little... Well, change is out. Yeah, change is out. It's all Venmo now. Strip clubs take Venmo. True story.
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How do you pay the guy who's been to a strip club recently? I went last weekend. Where'd you go? Rochester. What? Yeah. Why? There's nothing else to do. Yeah, but that's not where you want to go to the strip club. Well, that's why we went. We're like, let's go see some down and dirty. How was the talent there? Not great. Where was you at? Rochester. I forgot the name of it. You was in Rochester? Doing a gig, yeah. New York? Yeah. Oh.
it was i don't know i thought he was talking about north carolina there's a couple rochestras around this great nation there's one in minnesota as well yeah there's rochesters um yeah i would never go to a strip club in rochester it was still a lot of cecil's walking around why because the women were cecil oh yeah big dicks
Damn. Yeah, we popped in. It was weird. Who, you and Murphy? No, it was with Andrew Youngblood. He was opening. He's from there. And we popped in, we popped out. Damn. Yeah. Yeah.
That sounds rough. But I'll tell you, you go to one of these small towns, you go to the strip clubs, I got two tequila sodas. It was like four bucks or something. Really? Yeah. They want you to buy the hoes, not the sodas. I guess so. Yeah, but in Vegas, you go to a strip club in Vegas, you get two, then they're like, buy me one and buy my friend one. You're like, all right, that'll be $200. You're like, what? Exactly. I haven't even gotten to dance yet. I know. It's crazy. $200 for somebody to dance? No, not really, but it's crazy expensive. No, Vegas is expensive. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Strip clubs in Vegas are crazy. And New York, too. Why are you going to a strip club when you're married? Well, that's why. You know, you look, don't touch. Right? I like how she's passing judgment after she helped her uncle get... I was a kid. You need to shut your damn mouth. Whoa. Stop that seven-year-old from whooping your ass. You know what? I'm with her. Shut the fuck up, Salad Cues. Fuck you. What the hell?
You should hire me to be your nanny. Yeah, you should. Get some discipline in that kid. She'll kick your ass, too. He's running rampant. Piece of shit. He's going to blow a girl. Do we really talk back? Yeah. What does he say to you, dude? He's like, no, I won't do that. Or stop it. He'll stop it. Wow. People learned it from me. Yeah, but that's when you're trying to touch him inappropriately. Oh, my God. Okay. You're saying he'll tell you to stop it? Mm-hmm.
And do you stop it? No, the thing, I try to talk to him. Like, you can't talk like that. Like, I'm trying to reason with him. Give him a taste of the back of the hand. A little raspberry. He passed the bag. He get the front. Oh, jeez. Yeah. Ray Rice him. Yeah, it's tough. Dude, cut him. Who gives a shit? Cut him. He's already circumcised. You married? Yeah. And what does she do? He run over her too? Yeah. Yeah.
Did you see that thing on Netflix where those people down in... The Murdochs? Yeah, that's what you're about to become. We're not rich, B. You're about to be the Poe Murdoch. You're about to be the Murdoch. That's what you raise. Is there another way to do it other than hitting them? Is there some other ways? You got to figure out... That's a good one. You got to figure out a way that you...
Y'all have let this seven-year-old take control of the situation. You gotta jack his ass up to let him know that you're fucking serious because you lost control. When a child can tell their parents no...
No, you done lost control. Yeah. I got a 14, a 10, 11. Ain't no motherfucking body in my house telling me no. I will slap your motherfucking eyes in your eardrums. There you go. And get a metal chain if you go to the grocery store and yank that kid around. I love your callbacks. Yeah.
Thank you for catching that. You're losing control. You can get it back now as the child is seven. All this time out, there's no respect. Yeah, here he is. I'll tell you, this guy's got no respect at all. Now what about if your woman's out of control? Can I hit her? I'm joking again.
Try to see where you end up at. I don't know. She's already in a wheelchair, so that helps. My wife's in a wheelchair? Yeah. Yeah, but he pays for her prostitutes, too. That's right. I pushed her down some stairs. You're a damn little... White men do not put their wives in wheelchairs. You just kill them. Good point. That's true. Good point. Murdoch.
Yeah. Shot his wife in the face, I believe. You know, didn't he get busted from the Snapchat or the video with the dog? Yeah, his son. When he shot his son. Yeah, the dog. No, the son was on Snapchat when he shot him. Yeah. What? Isn't that amazing? That's how he really got caught. He didn't know his son was on the internet. Wow. Something good came out of that app. Yeah. That app stinks. Yeah. No, it's amazing. He...
He almost got away with it. Well, he got away with killing the housekeeper. They killed the housekeeper. Hold on. The dogs killed the housekeeper. That's unacceptable. No, he killed the housekeeper. They killed the housekeeper. The other son supposedly killed a gay lover. I know. So either that son is gay or he's gay. His name is Buster. And who else did they kill? They had like five or six bodies on their hands.
Oh, yeah. Boat accident. Boat. Oh, cute. The girl on the boat. She was cute. And they got away with it. Yep. Yeah. Damn. Man. They really ran shit in that town. Oh, yeah. Everyone. For years. For years. Snapchat. Did anyone like it? Yeah.
But yeah, they ran. Their reactions are as fun as the joke right now. I'm quite sure they got a bunch of lights after you heard boom, boom. Like, what the fuck? Hey, they get down over there. You know what? I did think watching that, though, when they when they showed the boyfriend run off the boat and he was shirtless. I was like, he's got a good body.
That's true. He was a hunk. That guy works out a lot, clearly. I can tell that. I'm getting older. I was like, look at this young buck right here. Oh, yeah. That family should have been stopped a long time ago. Yeah. That family. Those small towns, though. You know what? Even if he hadn't killed his wife and son, that boy by now would have been so far out of hand because they had covered up so much bullshit on him.
He, I mean, he is the epitome of all, what is it called? White what? Old boy network. Privilege. White privilege. There you go. Well, yeah, and it was one of those things watching the doc that even though they're wealthy, it's like watching Succession. You know, even though they're super wealthy, you're like, this doesn't look fun. This doesn't look like you're having a good life. Oh, they're all miserable. Every picture, they look fucking miserable. And they're drinking their sorrows away. Oh, yeah, and the family. When you see how much they were drinking. If you was in North Carolina.
I think it was South Carolina. South Carolina, wherever, any Carolinas. I mean, with 100 acres and all the money and nobody still likes you. Did you not see Buster? I mean, they wasn't the best looking. The friends was way better looking kids than they were. He looked like Chucky, for fuck's sake. But he was still pulling ass. Well, they're the rich kids. The power. Yeah. If he had a lot of money, he could ask. Well, he got ass. Yeah, he's got a wife and a hot kid.
Look at that red ginger cunt. Yeah. Jesus. He's got a cunt. Yeah. He's got to have a tough. Sorry about the language. He's got to have a tough life now. He's lost everybody in his family. He got all the money. Oh, he'll be doing stand-up comedy. He was just in Vegas. Really? Was he? Yeah, he was in Vegas doing the trial. Him and Rittenhouse are doing a podcast. Oh, my God.
But the dad looks like Gary Busey, too. Look at that. And he shaved his head. That's never a good sign. Oh, bad look. No, the daddy lost all that fucking weight, too. Oh, that's a scary, horny. You know, he looked like Woody White Man Can't Jump. What's his name? Yeah, he looked like Woody Harrison. Oh, come on. Woody's better looking than that guy. Murdoch? Pull up Woody Harrison now.
Woody looks better than this dude. Yeah, man, he looks like Woody Harrison. Oh, that's not bad, actually. Damn. The charm goes a long way. Yeah, he ain't killed nobody. This guy's not pulling Rosie Perez in White Man Can't Jump. Oh, she was hot, huh? Well, that dude, that ain't pulling Rosie Perez in White Man Can't Jump. That's when he was younger. Right. Yeah, true. Billy Hoyle.
Rosie Perez looks pretty good these days still. Still holding up. Puerto Rican don't. Puerto Rican got that what we got. It don't fade too quick. You do not look 50. That's crazy that you're 50.
Well, when you don't do drugs and cigarettes and alcohol and that much, you know, our skin hold up pretty good. There you go. But I'm 50. Chris Rock has got to be 58. He looks amazing. Yeah, he looks good. Incredible. It's nothing like black skin with money. Yes. It's a whole other different level. How about like Gabrielle Union? She looks ridiculous. Have you seen her? Ridiculous good? Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, she looks good. She do.
Nia Long too. What? Nia Long's at the end of that Chris Rock special. She looks the same as when she was in Friday. She's beautiful. Yeah, she also got fucked over by that old Celtics coach. He was like fucking in-house, that coach. Her husband's just fucking... He was trying to keep it in-house and they let it go. Well, you can't be fucking people's wives in-house. She was married.
Other people, people who was fucking were married, I believe. I think that's why he got let go. Damn. I thought he was only fucking one person. No, I think there were multiple people. Yeah. I think it was a Good Morning America situation where he was fucking a lot. Oh. Man, you cannot. What was his name throwing all that dick around Good Morning America? I don't know. Cecil?
Matt Lauer. Oh, Matt Lauer. He's a cute guy. That was not Matt Lauer. No, I'm talking about the black dude. TJ Hall was throwing around that dude. And they was trying to hate on him. He was slinging some good old D to that blonde lady. It was more than that blonde lady. He fucked everybody on that show. I mean, if you're fuckable. Yeah. He's got those nice eyes. Oh, yeah.
He fucked quite a few of them, and they're together now, right? Ear to ear. He's happy. That guy's got no jizz left. That's a happy guy. He's got an empty sack for sure. Oh, yeah. The fuck is... Well, you know, he's jizzing a lot. Oh, y'all saying the man nuts empty?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Because he fucks a lot. The man is old as fuck. I'm quite sure they only have Phil anyway. That's true. This is like Freud. Is the ball sack half full? He's an optimist. He's shooting prune juice. Well, I'm quite sure he's happy he's shooting prune juice. He should be done with having kids. So mommy dust pops out of his cock when he comes? It's an older fella.
Oh, no, he's just older. Just a bang, a little flag. Somebody should have gone over my head. Sorry, sorry. No, he's, I did their show once. They couldn't have been nicer. They were great. Oh, yeah, you were in the way. Did you swing? I would have if they asked me to. Oh, really? No, but she was, I think she was pretty hot. You never did a threesome? No, I did have the guy walk in on me once. Ah!
Never heard the threesome. Did he jump on your butt? No, I'm not doing that kind of shit. No, that's not my thing. You've done a threesome? Yeah.
Devil's a regular. Miss Pat, you were there. No, I wasn't. Look at that three-shot right there. That's a hot three-way. We got a gold, a Jew, and a black. This is like walking to a bar. Why was you on Good Morning America? I was promoting a special. He's a big Matt Lauer fan. I used to love Matt Lauer while you were talking that bullshit. Oh, yeah. He was hot. He's a good-looking dude. He's very good-looking. What is he doing now?
Chilling in the Hamptons? I don't know what he's doing. What is he doing? I know he got fired for sucking his dick for positions, but supposedly, allegedly, allegedly. Katie Couric was pretty damn hot. She had a moment. She's hot. What are you doing? What's your nationality? White? Italian and French.
White. My nationality, you're asking? I'm like Eastern European Ashkenazi Jew. So pretty much white people, right? Yeah. So what do you do with your women? Because as African-American women, most white women start about 35 and they start to fade for them. Oh, yeah. Especially the Irish. A couple of pumpkins.
But what are you asking? What the hell are you doing? You're like Cecil. So how do that make you feel? I mean, do you stick with them when they start to wrinkle? Do that stuff bother you? I mean, I'm single, but I... Well, that's why you see Leo with a couple of 11-year-olds, you know, because he's trying to get in early. Who the fuck is Leo? DiCaprio. No, 19, but that's pretty... Leo DiCaprio with a 19-year-old? Yeah. Yeah.
Pull it up. Does it bother you? Does it bother me that he dates a 19-year-old? When they age like that. When women age? Yeah. No. It's part of... It's a bummer. You can deal with it, though. Yeah.
Yeah. Where the fuck did you get him from? But you love him, so you stick with him. And then now there's all kinds of cracker. It doesn't bother me because I don't think I've been in a relationship that long. They got cracker lotion. Oh, yeah. Botox, the lotion. Pam, you're on half that shit. They got the shots and the peels and the surgeries. Yeah.
What's that? You know what, Pam? Pam doesn't get to disclose my relationships. This is pretty rude. Seriously, my publicist is trying to fucking bury me here. Yeah.
Yeah, we were taking shots. I didn't know Pam was your publicist. Yeah. She talks a lot. She never stops talking. It's crazy. You want to come on here or what? She's really good at what she do, but so many times. One of the best in the business, and I really enjoy her as a person. I do, but I hang up on her all the time. I know. I'm always like, enough, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, but she loves to talk.
I was like, Pam, if you suck dick at that speed, you a bad motherfucker. I don't say that to her because that could get me in a lot of trouble at some point. She can't suck dick. She's still talking. Can't get the dick in there. You as stupid as fuck. You don't know the fuck you're talking about either because I know people who suck dick while they're talking. Wow, really? They give speeches. That's a small dick. You can get all those words out.
I can barely talk with a toothpick in, let alone a penis. You got dicks? You suck dick? No, I'm just saying if I... You get it. No, I don't. I tried to suck my own once and I got a lick in. Yeah, it's good to get a lick in. Yeah, I got a lick. Are you serious? I tried.
Every guy tries. See? No, I've never tried to eat my pussy. Well, that's much harder to get to. There's no length. Yeah. Unless you got crazy labia. Yeah. What is labias? Labia. The flappies. The lips. Oh, I call them lips. Oh, okay. Lips. Yeah, no, you'd have to have a really meaty situation down there to reach the tongue. It's just not going to happen. Or a huge clit. I have no... Who wants to eat their pussy? I've seen my draws. I don't want to eat that. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah. All right. I think eating pussy is great. I'm a fan. I don't care who I offend here. I think eating a lady's vagina is great. Yeah. I don't care how many female listeners I piss off. Until you've seen. I don't care. Until you've seen the underwear we hid. Don't show me the underwear. The hidden underwear? Is that like Legend of the Hidden Temple? I put on goggles when I do it.
Do you? Yeah, oh yeah. That's how much squirting happens? Yeah, big squirter, the wife. That's crazy. She can put on a candle. On the wheelchair? Yeah, the wheelchair. She can't feel anything, but it's shooting. I put a broomstick in the wheels. Really? Yeah, she can't get away. She went flying? Yeah. What is that cartoon character with the yellow on with the big glasses?
Yellow with the big glass. They're yellow. They look like little... Dilbert? Oh, the Minions? The Minions. That's what you look like eating pussy. Exactly. That's what you look like with your glasses on. Yeah, well, you eat pussy. That's me. And I get a miner's hat with the light on it. Man, they are cute little things, those Minions, huh? Look how cute. What are you doing? Fixing a wheelchair while you're eating there? Yeah, I'm screwing in the hubcaps. Yeah, big fan of the clam dive.
Clam down. You know, eating the gash. No, I don't know. You know, enjoying the ham wallet. The hatchet wound. The honey pot. The twat. The puss match. Yeah. Come on. What did you say? He can do five more. The love hole. The vajayjay. The vajayjay. The cooter. The coochie. The beave. The beaver. Yay!
The cooter. It's like the weirdest episode of Family Feud ever. Fast money. I'm from Louisiana. We said cooter. Is that the name when you're sleeping with your cousin? Cooter. Uh.
I had a second cousin who was pretty hot. Would you? Second cousin. Really? Did you fuck her? I tried. You ain't got no goddamn sense. You buy Craigslist a damn empty wallet. Empty wallet, that's a good one. All right. That's great. Do you have any pet peeves, Miss Pat? What is my pet peeve? Ah.
I don't like my feet to be cold. That's a big one. I get bad circulation, too. I sleep in socks all the time. Really? Yeah. Not me. I don't like my feet to be cold. I don't really want to touch my feet. Interesting. Yeah. What about sucking the toes? Hey, nobody never suck my fucking toes, okay? I got dog feet. Really? Yeah. My mama said when she was pregnant with me, she had a little dog that liked her. And I came out with his feet, so I don't have no toenails.
What? They're very small. They're like little dots. Prove it. Fuck you. Woof. Fuck you mean woof. The dog feet. Woof woof. But wow, okay. What about dirty feet? That's a problem too. You ever have dirty feet and you go to bed? You gotta wash them. Just gotta wash them. Yeah. I get in bed with dirty feet. Gonna get the sheets ruined.
Well, you got to wash the sheet anyway. Do you take a bath every night when you go to bed? No. I don't either. I think that's such a waste of water. I agree. How often do you clean the sheets at home, do you think? About once a week. That's way better than me. Women are better than guys are. Especially with those dirty ass feet, those dog feet.
My motherfucking feet ain't dirty. You some bitch. I said I got dog feet. I ain't told you nobody was fucking dirty. Your fucking feet dirty. That's true. They are, but at least I got toenails at least.
I have a peeve. You ever have that friend who calls you, but they only have like a three minute window where they call you and then you miss the call and you call back and they can't talk again for like a week. Oh, yeah. They in jail? No. Well done. You're my friend. That was very good. Dog feet in the house. That was good shit.
Mark, you motherfucker. He's so fucking silly. The good one, though. The guy who can't, the call window guy. The call window. Yeah, that's no good. Then you gotta wait a week. And what if it's important?
It's never important, but it's just annoying that they're like, I got three minutes now and then I have to be around people for another week. Right. I got to peeve. How about this one? The guy who's grilling you while you're eating, no pun intended, but he's like, I'm eating a burger. And he's like, so what time is this? When is that? I'm like, when you got a tomato hanging out of your mouth. I'm like, let me finish eating. It's like Alec Baldwin. You let him eat.
at the restaurant you mentioned that earlier but i'm just don't don't quiz me while i'm eating let me get the food down and then we'll talk no i know you the rapid fire it's not the question that bothers you it's the oozy like intensity yeah while i'm my mouth is full so then i guess see you see that's your fucking problem you don't know how to multitask you need to learn how to swallow and speak you talk with the food in your mouth anybody can do that i'm trying to eat pussy here
You said you were eating a burger, not a pussy. Oh, well, that's what I call it. Now, why is somebody drilling you like you eat pussy? I'm joking. Is the pussy alive? Sure, I hope. You look like you licked them pocket pussy from Amazon. Oh, my God.
Well, I practice on those. But yeah. No, but the burger. I like that you added it from Amazon. The ultimate insult. Not only is it a pocket pussy, you needed it in one to two business days. What a slam. I have prime. Get it to you quick. There you go. Get it to you quick.
You're that Bezos. Why am I on second alcohol and y'all still drinking the first one? Oh, you got a point there. You got a point. I'm on it.
Putting them back, sister. Hang tight. This ain't what you usually drink, is it? No, I'm not a big sweet. I don't like sweet cocktails, but this tastes very good, I have to admit. That's a killer. You did a good job. Sour. I'm more of just a whiskey guy. If I do a cocktail, more of a Manhattan maybe or like a, you know. Don't know what that is. Just whiskey, vermouth, bitters. I know this is a bitch drink. But it's a good bitch drink. I mean, try to beef it up with the bodega cat a little bit. It's got egg white in it, too. That's what the smoothness is. You did egg white, too? You didn't do it like crustacean.
That's how they do it at Crest Station in LA. Oh, really? They put the egg white in it. Is that a cool spot? Yeah, it's a very cool spot. Very expensive. Very good. Do you like going to LA or no? I don't like LA. I don't like New York either. Whoa. You live in Atlanta. Neither? Usually you've got to pick one.
I don't like neither. This place is so dirty. That's true. This is a dirty and the people walk around here acting like they don't even see the fucking rats. The rats are on their way to work. I fucking cannot stand this dirty. And then they don't have normal crazy people. They have crazy people like the lady who was doing my makeup. She said she was coming to do my makeup and the dude walked up and said, I'm a sex defender so I'm about to touch you. What kind of bullshit is that? She said, well, I have a knife. He said, never mind. What?
What kind of bullshit is this? Damn. So the people here are just like, I've never seen people get in arguments with cars. They don't care how they hit you. They walk out in the road. It's just too many people in this motherfucker. It is a lot of people. Dude, I don't know if you guys walked in when I walked in, but when I was coming up this block, there was an ambulance that was stuck. Yes. Did you guys see that? No. It just wouldn't move. And this is classic New York shit. I'm on a phone call, and I'm like, oh, come on.
All right. Literally, there's maybe a person dying in there, and I'm like, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. But it wouldn't move. And I shit you not, like seven minutes on one block. Wow. Which for an ambulance is fucking bad. But that's New York. It's that congested. It shouldn't have gone up a busy block in Times Square. Right.
True. They literally, whoever they was picking up, should have told them to meet him at the end of the street. So he wouldn't block the fucking whole street. Right. So where do you live? I live in Atlanta. Oh, you're still there. Okay. I was in Indiana for 15 years. I just moved back last year. That's an upgrade, I think. Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't like Indiana at all. I like Atlanta. I love Atlanta. And L.A. is just too fake. Everybody vegan. Everybody want to take you out at dinner. They chew and then they go to the bathroom and spit the food out. Right. They're just too fucking fake. I agree. There's a man of goo goo lies. So I don't like L.A. And it costs too fucking much. Yeah, and the traffic and the smog and the homeless. You can keep going. The homeless.
The homeless, you know, like in Atlanta, the homeless is positioned in certain places. In L.A., they just be laying out in the street like they had the Marriott. You like, excuse me, sir. He's like, fuck you, bitch. It's my bedtime. You trying to parallel park as a whole human being. Right. In that parking spot because that's where they're going to sleep tonight. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with it? Yeah.
How do you get control of this homeless problem? I don't know what to do. Yeah. It's the weather. Well, the drugs have made it so much worse. No, it's the weather. It's so good. It's easy to sleep outside when it's always 80 degrees. Yeah. If I was homeless here, I would just start walking. Just give me LA. Until the last week, this winter hasn't been that bad here. Yeah, it kicked up. It kicked up. The wind. The wind. The snow. It snowed yesterday. Yeah. There wasn't no snow. There was this white shit falling out of there. That was cocaine.
That's why I do the tongue. None of that shit. None of that shit. Oh, I'm stuck. The tongue. Yeah. So I like the South. I really like the South. Atlanta's cool. I like the South too. Yeah, point of raise. Yeah, I'll be there soon. I like going there. Where are you coming to? Tabernacle. Okay. Should be fun.
I've done the clubs for years there, Laughing Skull. Is that still there? Mm-hmm. Punchline. Yeah. Punchline is there. In the back of the diner. Yep. See the jello while you're doing your stand-up. Oh, that's fun. Classic. No, I played that room for years. What do you think about Buckhead? Yeah.
Why are you here to see it like that? Well, I'm doing a gig there. I want to get your take. Buckhead's is really nice. Where are you doing it at? Buckhead Theater. Really fucking nice. Oh, really? Yeah, really nice. All right. I saw Bill Cosby there. It's St. Regis there. It's not what it used to be. It used to be Party Central. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like real cleaned up. Yeah, it's bougie. Why are you here? I haven't been to Atlanta in a long time. I moved here from Salt Lake City, but I grew up in Atlanta until I was like, I moved when I was 15.
Too gay? In Salt Lake? No, Atlanta. Atlanta's pretty gay. Is it now? Oh, yeah. No, I'm not. What? What's wrong with me? Really? I thought you were gay. No. Ah, well, fire this guy. No.
Everyone's gay for the right price, Mark. You got that right. What's in it for me? I'll give you a little buckhead. Mark actually pays him a dollar. He's like, oh, this is actual buckhead. This stinks. Yeah, buckhead is really nice. You're going to like that theater. It's beautiful. All right. Thank you. I'm excited. What's your favorite barbecue spot in Atlanta? Uh-oh. I just got back last year. I don't know. I haven't had any fucking barbecue.
How about just like good food in Atlanta? I go to this place called, where we go? Breakfast at Barney's. It's right over there by Grady Hospital. Remember Grady Hospital? Well, they done gentrified all of that shit. They done ran my people out and the good old white people done came in there to plant flowers. They thought my people couldn't plant flowers. So, you know, it don't even look the same like when I grew up. So it's a really nice restaurant popping up every fucking where.
Night scenery. Because it's something to do there every damn night. Right. All right. Let's do it. My little Barney's. So if you go, call me and then I'll get you in because it's hard to get in. Oh, really? The line is down the fucking street. All right. I'm excited. I can throw your name around. The line's down the street.
Don't walk in there and say my name. Oh, okay. Just call me and I'll tell them you're coming. I appreciate it. Yeah, don't walk in there and say Ms. Pat. You'll probably get your ass whipped. Cecil Hooker's going to hit me. I don't know if it's still there. You've got to go check out Fat Matt's. Do you remember that place?
Wow.
I mean, like, he was the most... Yeah, the most dressed down. Oh, he's dangerous now. Yeah, like, but compared to the...
You know, the green suit and the long hair. He was just in a barbecue t-shirt. I was the only person who recognized him, too. Underrated handsome guy. And kind of an underrated actor. He's actually a pretty good actor, too. Great actor, yeah. I mean, obviously, OutKast is amazing. I mean, look at that. He's a hunk. I think he just said, hey, I made my money. I don't have time for the bullshit. I want to walk away.
Wow. Is he done with showbiz, you think? I don't know. We're hoping one day for another album. I know. Outkast was killer.
We got back together for Coachella a couple years ago. Big Boy stole. He's always around. I ran into him at the airport not long ago. Oh, yeah? Did you say what's up? Yeah, he did. I didn't recognize him. My assistant recognized him. He had grown a beard and mustache. I didn't recognize him. Yeah. When you're on the road, do you do the road pretty hard? Yeah. Do you have any things you do like you're like, you got to go to a good restaurant? Is there like a routine you have?
No, not really. I don't get out into the city. I go to my fucking hotel, go to sleep, perform, and go back to sleep. Because I do a morning show in Atlanta, and then I'm always working on something, trying to develop or whatever during the week. And I'm building a house, so I don't have time for anything. Yeah. It's a big house, I heard. It is. Oh, that's exciting. I heard from Pam. Yeah. I decided to be my own general contractor. Yeah.
And I built a 17,000 square foot house. Wow. That's huge. Yeah. No wonder you like Atlanta.
You're living good. Yeah, you could too if you come on in and wait with me. I'm down. You're leaving New York for Atlanta? Well, if I can check up with old Patty. I'm down. I missed this out. No, stay your ass up here because you're not shaking up with no old Patty. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean O-L-E. Yeah.
You're so fucking stupid. We can share stories. I lost Virginia to a hooker. Well, I'm not a fucking hooker. I'm just saying we both related to Cecil. I mean, we both have experiences. I'm not selling you no money. Merger's digging himself a bigger hole here. I'm not saying you're a hooker. Obviously, you're an established lady. I fucked prostitutes before. I'm not a fucking hooker. You dabbled with the ladies, so I was just trying to relate.
You're not doing a good job. All right, all right. This is a horrible speed date. Love Atlanta. Hotlanta, they call it. I do like Atlanta. I'm excited to be there again. Great comedy town. Underrated audiences. Great crowds. How big is the theater y'all doing? I don't know. Mine's not that big. I think mine's like 900. It's pretty big, I think. I don't know. Yeah, Tabernacle's...
Definitely big. Yeah, I'm only doing a show there, but it'll be fun. I'm pumped. I think Bill Bird did the black and white special there. Oh, wow. Yeah. Fuckhead Theater holds 1,800. Holy shit. Let's go. You doing 1,800? I'm excited. That's intimidating. Fuck you. He was excited. Oh, Mark, you could fucking do it easily. What are you talking about? I didn't know it was 18. Yeah, you could. Stop it. Oh, boy. If I could do it, you could do it. All right. Well, pull out my old fat Matt shirt. Well, what's a tabernacle? Pull that puppy up.
Atlanta. It's both of them really nice. I thought you said Tabernacle was 1800. Pat Nonswell did his... His shit is 1800. I think mine is close to that too. There's several rooms inside of it. Maybe I'm doing the small one. Sorry, it says 2600, but that can't be true. I think it's 18. Wow. I think it's pretty big. That might be for music though. I think for stand-up it's 18. 1911.
How about that? Isn't that cool? That's the cool thing about theaters is they're like Houdini play here. It's like the most random. I just started in September. I have my first theater tour called Young Girl Done Made It. And I'm moving into theater, but I really like clubs. Clubs are fun. You need both, I think.
You got to mix. Clubs to build and the theaters to hone, you know? Right. Is that what it is? I think. I mean, what do I know? I mean, it's... I agree. I think it's good to...
theaters are cool it's cool to do them but i think i mean i'm looking forward to it i'm excited about moving into theaters but it's also because you know clubs you're so personal right and in theaters just out there you know in a club is easy control 400 yeah but now you gotta control 1800 but so no check spot no chicken wings no heckle it's it's a little more uh happy to be there yeah it's a it's
Chris Rock said this once. He goes, it's velvet seats. He goes, something about velvet seats. They behave better. It's true. That's a bigger ticket price. Yeah, it's more expensive. They really have to want to be there as opposed to clubs. Sometimes those clubs have like a mailing list. They know who you are, but they're not as invested, I think, in the clubs. But I'm with you. I love clubs too. I did clubs for so long. I love...
I mean, you learn to love it. Right. You're going to slip in a theater like a dirty foot in a sheet. You're going to love it. You're going to slip right in. Like a toenail-less hoof in the bed. Oh, my God. Just calling back. All right, all right. What is that, fat mats, you say? I've got to check that out.
I thought Cecil got fucked. I'm just saying, I think you're going to like when you start doing them, you're going to love it. I agree with Mark. I think you're really going to. I'm excited. I'm excited. Oh, yeah. I got about 13, 14 dates so far. So I'm excited. That is exciting. It's a jump. The big house, the theaters, killing it. You're going to like it. You got to sell a liquor. Have you thought about that?
No. Amaretto. Ooh. Miss Pats. Ooh. I do like Amarillo. And I'm ready to go because he looking cute to me. Hey. All right. I turned you around. Have you been with the whitey? Never been with a whitey. Oh, I'm a good transition. No, you're not. You won't even feel me.
I'm quite sure I won't. You'll feel me because I'm going to have to probably be on top. I'll take it. All right.
All right. Bring it on. You're smashing the shit out of you. You wake up and you're going to be dead and you don't want white people to die. You leave them out too long and you turn into black people. Tell that to Dolezal. Something to look forward to. Yeah. Something to look forward to. Die black. I'll suck those nail-less toes all day.
Oh shit okay Alright So you got some clubs coming up it looks like When does this come out Matt? I'm in Kansas City Well when did this come out?
April what? April 7th and 8th. Okay. That's a good room. The 21st is off in this hat, by the way. The 21st and the 22nd of April is Janie's. Classic. Great club. I was having a podcast going on that week. Oh. Make sure y'all get the tickets to that. Hell yeah. April 28th and 28th in Tacoma, Washington. Good room. Those are theaters. Yeah. Don't walk around too much in that downtown area in Tacoma. A little messy. A little messy.
Matthew. When I was there with Gary Veeder, we were in the hotel in the power. We were in the nice hotel in the area, but the power kept going out.
So it's like we would just be in the room. I'd be like, dude, is your power out? I'd be like, the power's out. Then we get in the elevator for the building and it's broken. They're like, oh, be careful in the elevator. It's broken. What is be careful? We're on the 23rd floor. What do you mean be careful? So we get in and it's stuck and Gary's trying to get us out and some guys are drunk. They're like, it's fine. It's fine. Gary pushed a guy out of the way to get us out. And I was like, and then they got stuck.
We got fucking lucky. Yeah. But it is a good club, though, Tacoma. Yeah, I like Tacoma. Also, I wanted to mention about Pat that her theater tour starts in September. Okay. Get those tickets now. And it starts in Louisville on September 8th and on the 9th in Indianapolis. Ooh, going back to the home. And it went on sale this week. This week. It sure did. Hell yeah. Go to misspatcomedy.com for all the dates and...
And get your tickets. I love it. We can hang out. Now we're talking. And suck toenails. Yeah. The Suck My Toes Tour. That's pretty good. This girl done made it.
And Sammy, you got your dates up here. Yeah, but I got adding more. We got like, you know, L.A., San Diego, Sacramento and SF. We're adding a bunch of stuff. We got Columbus, Cincinnati, Indy, Kalamazoo, Perrysburg, York, Pennsylvania, Bethlehem. I'm all over Pennsylvania, Wilmington, Delaware, Baltimore, Philly. What? So what? Why are you laughing at me? No.
You just hear the work you're going to have to do, too? That's Pam. Yeah, because I'm going to tell her to get me on local TV and burn a hole. All right. Hampton Beach, Portland, Maine, Connecticut, Richmond, Virginia, Greensboro, Asheville, Charlotte, Knoxville, Memphis, Birmingham. So much more coming. Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. Let's go. Yeah.
Sam Earl dot com slash shows. All right. I'm coming to a theater near you and. Do you want me to read this? No. And this is my website, ladies on fentanyl. So this is all out of whack. Oh, no. But I'm coming to do a theater tour announcing it soon. And I'm coming to Australia. Whoa. This summer, June. So say hello down under. And Mark Norman comedy dot com. Get some bodega cat.
Check out, what was your podcast? My podcast is called The Pat Down. The Pat Down. Make sure y'all go and watch season three of The Miss Pat Show. Oh, of course. Because it's out now. Good call. And if you've never heard of The Miss Pat Show, because I've never done this podcast and it might be a new audience, start at season one.
I'm going to start watching it. I'm pumped. I'm pumped to see this. It's really good. It's really good. Emmy nominated, folks. I'm going to give it a plug real quick. As always, I'm at Joey Rose's Tuesdays and Thursdays. Come down and see me at the bar. There you go. Are you a bartender for real? I am, yeah. It's down at Joe DeRose's place on 174 Rivington Street. Sing it, sister. Sister? You ain't shit. Y'all better start listening to him. He always talking mad bullshit.
You didn't hear that. You better start listening. We're ending this on you ain't shit. You're the only person who listens to me.
All right. The Pat Down. The Pat Down with Miss Pat. That's funny. That's the name of Rudy Giuliani's podcast. I barely got that out. But yeah. It should have been the Pat Down. Stop and frisk. You got it. All right. I thought you got Arnold Schwarzenegger, the groping. Oh, that too. Doesn't matter. All right. Look, great episode. So nice to have you on the show. Thank y'all for having me. Really appreciate it. Killed it. And all you guys, Matt, Peter, Salamanca, everybody, Pat, we're...
Rockin'. Whoop that baby ass. This kid, you would beat this kid up? Fuck yeah, I'd beat the dog too. You see that dog? Great episode. Thanks for listening to We Might Be Drunk. Keep drinking.
