Ep 120: Matt Ruby
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Let's do it. Are you rolling?

No bartender today? No Salamanca? Yes, the teacher's away. And the mice will play. You got that right. I don't think that was the expression. The mice are gay. The cat's away, the mice will play. That's it, that's it. Close enough. But we got some Mark vodka sodas. Yeah, made them strong. It's a beautiful day. It's 60 degrees in New York, global warming. Love it. Cheers. Hit me.

Pushed it hard this weekend. I'm having a great day. I helped two people in New York. How'd you help them? A blind lady fell in the street on 6th Avenue and I ran to save her. Picked her up. She was all old and fucked up. And I called her a cab.

And then on the way here, an old... I hope she doesn't listen to this podcast. Because then it's not really helping. She was all old and disgusting. I saved her. She had snot, bad dress. So yeah, I helped her, got her a cab. And then on the way here, I ran out of the subway and there was an old lady on top with a bag. And I was like, let me get the bag. And I took the bag and I ran it down.

He was an old bag. But don't you just feel, you want people to see that. I'm like, where's all my haters? I want you to see me helping these old folks. You do hope someone sees that. Yeah. That's when you want to get recognized. Exactly. You never get recognized when you want to. I know. It's always you coming out of like a fucking porn store and you're like, I went in as a joke. Right, right. Yeah. Why are you hard? That's part of the joke. I commit. Yes, yes.

No, it's – I know you mean me. I had a guy stop me the other day on the street, and he was like – he just kind of – you know when it's coming, he gave me a look, and I was like – I gave him like a hello. And then he goes, Josh Hart for the Knicks. And I was like, that's a good sign, and I like it. And then he goes, I have a startup. And I'm like, oh, here we go. Oh, no.

You blew it. We had a thing. It was a good thing. Yeah, never ask for things, folks. It's all gravy until you start going, I have a script. You got to read it. Or I want you to be in this or whatever. And you're like, damn it. Now I got to say no to you. I know. Yeah.

What's up with this one? I had a show in Spokane. Great show. Great clubs. Did you go to Frank's Diner? I went to Frank's Diner. That's a great diner. Great diner. In the boxcar? Yes. Amazing. Amazing. It was a line, too, but we waited it out. That's a classic. Vitor fought for that one. When we were on the road, he's like, we got to go to Frank's. Let's go. It's great. It's great. Old school. Also, the other one, the Greasy Spoon. What's the other? Satellite's a good one, too. Oh, I didn't go there. Spokane's got some clutch diners. Yeah. Well, it's like a working town.

You know, a lot of blue collar people go in there. But had this one crowd that sucked. And then I do the Q&A at the end and they're going, how's your how's the house coming in Brooklyn? What's up with your watch beeping? They knew everything about me. I'm like, you guys know me. You're the biggest fans. You know more about me than my father. And you're the worst crowd. Isn't that the weirdest thing? Well, that's like our greatest fear is like once they get to know you, they're no longer really invested.

But they were invested. They were there, but you want the laugh. I think they were just like, oh, this is cool. We're seeing him in front of us. But they weren't like ha-ha-ing. No, I've had that a couple of times in a row where they just want to be there. I feel like sometimes podcasting is ruining stand-up. Yeah, yeah, because they want to talk to you. They don't want to watch you. Right. But I do think most of the shows are still killer. But occasionally I get that feeling. Yeah, seven out of eight were great. Like Dave Attell would be like podcast-ruining stand-up.

Definitely. The Colin Quinns of the world. Yeah, yeah. But they also help so much. They help sell tickets. And you get to know, the fans get to know you more.

So they know your humor more. Yeah. No, it's a double-edged sword. But yeah, I was in Salt Lake with Gary. We hit it up, man. We did it right. Tan France. Got a little lunch with Tan France. He said he'll come on the pod, so I'm going to hold him to it. Please, come on here. We want him on. I need his help with my special. I don't know what to wear. You should hit him up. I'm worried he's going to be too...

No, I think you say what you want and he gets you a cooler version of what you want. All right. That's his job. Tanny, let's do it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what he does. He's the fashion guy. All right, all right. I need him. My favorite part of that show Queer Eye is when the guy is like, you know, I hated gay people before and now I realize they're really cool. I'm like, well, not all gay people are just going to fix your life. Yeah.

That's not how all gay people are. Right, they're not guardian angels. They're gays. They're annoying gay people, too. That's true. These are just... They were hired to help. Right, right. I think they are...

Gays have some qualities that make them better than the typical straight guy. Oh, yeah. At fashion, at feng shui, at decorating. If you're not ripped as a gay guy now, I'm kind of like, what are you doing? Yeah. It's like a black guy with a small dick. It's tough. Yeah. Come on, man. I had a friend growing up, black guy. He couldn't dance. Wow. And it ruined his life.

He was just like, we'd have dance parties or go to the bar and, you know, white guys can go out there and do this shit and nobody bats an eye because they're like, oh, he's a white guy. But if a black guy is going like this, it's a bad look. Yeah, I had a black friend growing up who sucked at basketball and it crushed him. Oh!

It crushed him. He played really hard on D, but it was to make up for the fact that there was no offensive ability. Of course. I grew up with a dumb Asian. He was a drug addict. He was an idiot. We were all like, what are you doing? You're Asian. He's like, I know. It sucks. This whole string of stereotypes is called, we're going to get canceled immediately. We're going to get demonetized on YouTube. Yeah. No, you know, it's...

I knew a gay guy. No. I knew a gay guy. I love pussy. It was horrible. He couldn't get any dick. His name was Matt Salicus. But, yeah, no, it's like ripped gay dudes. Although you go to the gym and it's like you can hook up at the gym.

I know. I can't hook up at the gym. No, no. I see hot women at the gym and I can't like sometimes I'll get like a hello or something and you're like, hey, but you're like, I don't have it. You know, I see like sometimes a trainer at the gym I go to will be like friendly.

And she's hot. Yeah. In my head, I'm like, but you look at me like I'm shit. Of course. It's like if we saw an open mic comic. Right, right, right. You're not dazzling anyone with that part of you. Yeah, good point. But is she like, I'm the fitness person, so I kind of like that you're not? Maybe. Because you don't want to date an open mic comic because that's just too much comedy. Although you've dated comics, so have I, so maybe that's no good. No, it's tough. But yeah, it's...

Yeah, no, you're right. Maybe that's not what, but I just think like they're so good at that. Yeah. Like you're a bitch. Right. Don't you just need like a shredded giant dude? Yeah, that's true. You'd think that's a tough one, but then she's probably not funny and you're funny. So maybe that fills a hole. Yeah. As long as the hole is being filled, I'm happy. Yeah. There we go. Can I read you some peeves? Because we haven't done peeves in a while. Oh, I got a list. I've got a list. All right. All right.

So I'm at the Cellar with Ryan Hamilton the other night, a good friend of ours. Love the hand. And Ryan's got a brilliant new chunk about getting hit by a bus. Amazing. Really hit by a bus. Yeah. It's a crazy story. It's...

It's cool to watch that type of bit kill at the cellar. Yeah. It's a long bit that's pretty fucking depressing that he's just killing with. Totally. We're walking late at night and some woman sneaks up behind us as we're crossing the street and she goes, a bus is coming. And we're like, Jesus. And I'm like, he was actually hit by a bus. He's got PTSD. Was she joking?

It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Wow. So what did he do? He freaked out. Oh, my Lord. He was just like, I mean, it was like half a second, but then she's like bowled over laughing. I'm like, guess what? That's not a good joke if there are three people here and two of them don't think it's funny. Yeah, that's a good point. But he's, you know, you can tell he's like, what the fuck, bud?

Wow. That's heavy. Yeah. But how far does it go if you're like, Ryan's, you're at dinner with him and he's like, oh, these plates need to come clear. And you're like, oh, here comes a bus boy. Ah, shit. He's bussing the table. Like, where does it end? Well, it ends...

It ends there. In a restaurant, I think you're okay. All right, all right. But I think on the street, you're like, this really happened to him. He nearly was killed. All right. He was in the hospital for many days. I know. He was all fucked up. He's still a little wonky. That's a peeve, by the way, also, is...

Is the ha-ha. It was a joke. Yeah, the prank joke. The prank joke's not really a joke. Totally. Like when a guy would hit you in the balls and he'd be like, ah, I gotcha. Impractical jokers work because they're all in on it. Right. They're like, we know we're going to get fucked over. Yeah. But when you're just doing it to a stranger...

You're kind of a piece of shit. That's true. Yeah. And you're the only one laughing. Yeah. Joke's not funny. Like our set doesn't work if we're just like, ha ha. And they're just like, we don't, we don't get it. You hear that Chappelle? Quit laughing at your own jokes. I would say it's all comics out there, but yeah, yeah, no, I agree. She got one. It's the same with this move.

You know, that whole thing or this one, you know, whatever. This one, if it's like a hot girl, you're like, all right, she's flirting. That's true. I'll take it. I take this back. If a woman does any of these things, it's OK. Because it means she's flirting. And in her defense, she didn't know about the bus thing. She did. Oh, she did. That's why she did it. Why would she do the bus? Wow. She saw him at the cellar. That's crazy. That's why it's fucking. That's why it's fucked up. Yeah.

Damn. Can't do that with rape. No. It's the guy with the ski mask. Yeah, exactly. Boy, that's tough. That's pretty shitty, I think. Yeah, pretty shitty. Yeah. She should blow him and he's like, I'm about to bust. All right. I hope she gets hit by a bus. That'd be hilarious. We're just like, well, karma.

What do you got? You got a peeve? Karma. Bustma. Okay. Mark is committed to this pun. Yes. He's making this pun work. How about this? Yeah. What about the guy who gives too many handshakes? Oof. I hate the too many handshake guy. What are we doing? You know, he comes in. We're having dinner. Hey, how are you, man? All right. Good to meet you. Yeah, yeah. He's like, just, I got to say, big fan of your car. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. All right. We're heading out. Hey, hey. Okay. And keep putting out more stuff, man. Don't change. I'm like, all

right we've shaken hands four times i would it's been three minutes this jerk off running for mayor all of a sudden just coming and shake a fucking hand i know i did i was gonna come to a purell mug after this guy i was like this is enough that's the thing it's like it's a drunk usually it is he was drunk it's a drunk the drunks need constant validation i think that's why it's annoying because they're constantly being like more that's what it is look at me yeah they're like kids in the pool that are like mommy right

But as an adult, and I'm not your fucking mom. I know. So I just started switching to this because this is a lot. It's kind of you're touching palms. I get a little sweat there. This, it's easy. So I just switched over after the fourth one to pounding.

Yeah. But I know what you mean. You get a lot of those. Sometimes you get this guy, the over-complimenter who's drunk. Yeah. But I think you're great, man. You're like, thank you. And he's like, no, I really like you. And you're like, I like you too. And they're like, well, I think you're... And I'm like, guess what? I don't like you anymore. Yeah. You're too much. I don't know where to go. But the fourth one, you've told me I'm funny. I don't know what else to say. Thank you again. Appreciate it. Yeah. I don't know. Then you seem ungrateful. It's a tough spot. Well, the guy who's that drunk, if someone's that much past your level...

There's no connecting because they're not going to remember any of this shit. Yeah. They're so far past you. You're kind of like, well, I'm just having to wait. It's like talking to a guy who just lies to you all the time. Right.

Right. Where you're just like, well, none of this is real and none of this is registering. So you're just like, this is kind of a waste. Yeah. I hooked up with a girl years ago. We were in the backseat of a car making out and she was so hot. She was like way out of my league and I couldn't stop bringing it up because I was insecure. And eventually she was like, stop telling me I'm hot. And I was like, all right, all right, all right. You were just kissing her neck like, are you sure? Yeah. Yeah. But I would pull away and I was like, God, you're gorgeous. I was drunk too. And she was like, oh, thanks. I've done that before too.

You've done that? Yeah. And I couldn't believe. Every once in a while you pull a fish that's a little too big. Yes, yes. And you're like, how did I? I pulled a lot of big fish. But I'm just saying, she was like a hot lady, like a model-y hot lady in L.A. And I couldn't stop saying it. And she had to tell me to stop.

And I was turning her off because she kept realizing how big of a deal this was for me. I know. That's hilarious. Yeah. You blew it by acting like you've never been there. Yes, exactly. I didn't end up banging her. You have to neg the person. It's like a model. You have to be like, I mean, you're okay. Yeah. I've seen better. She would have loved that. So, yeah, I got kicked out of that Uber. Damn. In an Uber? No, it wasn't an Uber, but I was just saying. We were in the backseat of her car, and eventually she was like, I got to get going. I was like, all right.

Yeah, I've definitely – they can tell if it's too big a deal. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And let me ask you this. You ever hooked up with a girl, then followed her on Instagram just so you can see her more?

I don't think so. Me neither. It's just you want to remind yourself every time it pops up. You're like, oh, yeah, hooked up with her. I'm about to check your follows. Oh, yeah, good idea. I want to see some pop up. He's following his aunt. I'll be, Dan, Helena Bonham Carter. That's a weird one. Sometimes you just want to watch the world burn. Sometimes you get a DM from a private account, and I'm like, what, are you insane?

Yeah, that's annoying. A DM from a private account? Yeah. I was talking to Jared Freed, who's like a relationship guru. He's great. He gives great advice. We'll get him on here. We got to get him on here. We got to do like a dating episode. Because he's so good at that shit. Yeah.

I think that's his hat. His whole act is like a dating thing. Yeah, I mean, he's got other stuff too, but we were at a bar the other night, and it's hilarious. I was already drunk, and then Freed showed up, and I'm like, I'm toast. It's over. It's over. I was drunk, and he just goes, where are you? And I told him, and he just walks in. I was like, how did you get here that quickly? And he's a drunk. You know when you drink with someone where every time you turn around, they're handing you another drink? Yes, that's him. I'm like, how the fuck? He's a pro. This is like the old west, how quick you are.

Yeah. He'd turn around, he's polished on the bar. No, he is that guy. He can drink, he can party. He moved to the village, and I bumped into him. I live in the village, and he was like...

I already got where I'm going to eat every day. I know where all these bars are. He mapped it all out. He's like a real organized drunk. No, he's great. And he knows every bar to go to. And he knows every bar at what time. Yes. That's the impressive thing. It's one thing to know a good bar. But he goes, this one takes off around 2 a.m. Totally. I was bombed. I had to almost sneak out.

It was freezing, and I just saw... You ever do this? I just saw a cab. Yeah. It was like 4 a.m., and I was like... I just gunned for it. Gotta do it. But, you know. It's the only way, because he'll give you another shot. He fucking goes hard. You don't meet a lot of Jews who are tanks like that. Yeah, well, he's Boston. I think he was in a frat, so he's had the Jew pushed out of him. And he went to Penn State. And he went to Penn State. Come on. Yeah, geez. He drank away the Semitism.

Sem... Semitism. Is that a word? He killed it. Yeah. He killed it. What other... I got another peeve here. How about hotels where you have to turn on 40 lamps to make the room bright? Oh, I hate that. How about one control light? I completely agree. You know I hate lamps. We were in like a cool hotel and it wasn't like fancy. It was just like one of those cool hotels. Yeah. And...

Geez, I don't even remember where the hell we were. Portland. And we're in a cool hotel. We walk in. I swear to God. I had to run around the room. The worst. Still dark. Still dark. They're trying to be too boutique-y and too hip. They want all these hand-picked lamps. This is from Nicaragua. This is from a thrift store. This is a cat with the eyes.

Like, come on! None of it with the aesthetic. It's too much. They're trying so hard to be quirky that there's no... You can't do any writing. That's what it... It's too quirky. Yes. It's like a hipster who's like... You're like, we get it. You fucking were into the band before. Right. You only watched...

foreign films. Yes. That's what you are as a hotel. Yeah, I know. I'm going to jerk off in here and take a big dump and fuck a fat fish. Just give me a lamp. Give me a light. It's like, you ever see the guy with like the faux hawk? Yes. That is a hotel. Ha ha ha.

This doesn't even look good. It's just you want me to notice you. Yeah, exactly. And quirky is the opposite of efficient. Efficient is like some nerdy autistic guy who's like, this is the lamp. It goes in the middle of the ceiling. One switch turns it on. It's 8 million kilowatts. Quirky is like, ooh, we're going to be on Pinterest. We're going to have one of those little sand things with the rake that does nothing. You know that thing? What is that? That meditation thing?

Zen Garden. Thank you. Can you pull it up? What does that look like? Pull it up. It's so pointless, but it's, you know. I never meditate. Everyone tells me to meditate. I never do it.

I've tried, and the worst thoughts I've ever had came up, but I never did it again. I pay for one of them. It's Headspace or something? Yeah, Headspace. I tried that. I pay for it. I might have just unsubscribed, but it was not pricey, but pricey enough that I was like, I should do this. Yes. You ever just spend enough where you're like, I'll do this because it's enough money that I'll feel guilty, and I just still didn't do it. Totally. Yeah, fuck that. I tried it too, and-

I got like a day. It feels good when you do it. It does. I should do it. It takes a little discipline. We should try it. We should try it. Yeah. Because all the most brilliant people meditate. I'm so bored. What?

Me too. My mind wanders too much. I'll try to do yoga sometimes on the road just to stretch out after all the flying, and I'm so bored. Yeah, me too. That's guided. That's someone telling you what to do, but it's all these holes, and I'm just like, what am I doing? But maybe the boredom, we need to fight it. Maybe we need to go lean into the boredom because we're so good at grabbing a phone or putting on TV or whatever. Are you telling me I'm hiding from something? Yeah.

But I think it is a skill. If you can overcome that, you've really conquered something. Yeah, you're right. I mean, that's probably why guys like Jerry seem so disciplined. Yeah. Because they force themselves. I know a lot of writers who do that shit. Athletes. Like Brian Koppelman or Boy Brian is another one who... Totally. Yeah. And then you ever think... Now we're getting heavy. But...

I was watching this dolphin documentary, and a guy was a busboy, and he was staring through a fence at this water park looking at dolphins in his, like, the 70s. And he became the biggest dolphin trainer in the world. What if he had a cell phone in the 70s? He might not even notice the dolphins. You know what I'm saying? He's just staring at his phone and TikTok-ing and hot girls twerking and, you know, memes.

But now he's got no phone. He's just staring at dolphins in his 70s. I think about that all the time. I know. Like, writers like Hemingway, if they had, like, people – if they had their friends being like, look at this cat video. Yes, yes, exactly. You think he would have written The Sun Also Rises? Fuck no. He probably also wouldn't have blown his brains out. But –

But yeah, you're right. I mean, you had to figure something out. Like when I was a kid, you'd go outside with my brother and we would just pick up a stick and hit each other or make a game out of it or a wizard or whatever the fuck. We sound old right now, but there's truth to it. Yes, yes. There's something about the – also Nick Griffin used to have this great bit I love. He has so many of my favorite bits, but –

Nick Griffin had a joke where he said, I think it's Romeo and Juliet or West Side Story, whatever, same shit. They lock eyes from across the room. Right. Oh, that's great. He goes with cell phones. He's like, you're trying to make eye contact. You're like, what are you doing? You're like, you're my soulmate. That's such a relatable premise. Man, he's good. I mean, people do meet online, but it is different. I always feel better when I meet someone in person. Like, I met a girl in a bar the other night, and I was like, this is like fucking a throwback. That's huge. How often do you even do that anymore?

I know, I know. And it's so normal to not do that now that doing that is weird, almost. It is weird. Yeah. By the way, shout out to not just you, but also previous guest Alison Brie and her buddy Ronan Hirshberg, who have all told me now to see Defending Your Life. And I watched it. Oh!

Let's hear it. It's great. It's amazing. Poignant, funny. Poignant as hell. Interesting. Very good. Rip torn. I know. He's the greatest. He's the man. And Albert Brooks is a genius. So good. Meryl Streep? Yeah. Is she ever not great? She's great. And they don't make movies like that anymore. It's such a high concept idea.

It's kind of like Groundhog Day where you can be – you could take your time. Yeah, right. They don't make movies like that. Now you've got to hit them so quickly. Totally. I watched the Pam Anderson doc too. I watched that. I think it's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. It humanizes her like crazy. It humanizes her. Oh, man, I had such a crush on her. Same. Like every boy. But same old story. Molested, beaten, bad dad, shitty family, and then –

You meet Tommy Lee and you're like, this is just her dad. Yeah. It's so crazy similar. I was trying to do a new bit the other night about how every relationship I've ever been in, when a woman's yelling at me, it's like the opposite of Star Wars. I'm just like, I am not your father. That's great. That's great. When you're drunk, you sound like Yoda. The condom broke it, dude. You know...

Yeah, he's her dad. It's sad. Yeah. And then when she said at one point in the doc, not to spoil it, but I don't think I'm giving away a ton here. She basically said, like, I never made peace with the fact that I couldn't make it work with the father of my kids. And I was like, fuck, that's brutal. Because she got married like five times after that. She did? Yeah. I didn't get that far. Four or five times after that. Kid Rock was one of them. Yeah.

I remember that one. There was a few. Yeah, that sex tape really fucked her up. Well, he got props for it almost. Yeah. When you're a rock star, that's cool. That's true. And when you're a woman, it's just not cool. Not cool. Unless you're Kim Kardashian. I guess she popped at the right time, I guess, with it. And she put hers out purposely, they say. Damn. But she had a play. She had a plan. It didn't work for Screech.

You know, Screech was like, this one's going to fucking bring me back. Did he stab a guy? I think he got stabbed. Oh, he got stabbed. Wow. That's more believable. Yeah. I don't know what happened, but that's true. Damn. Screech was really. That's like such a weird American story. I know. Like the kind of the dweeb on the show. Yeah. You're the fucked up one.

Yeah. Oh, wait. He did stab. Oh, he stabbed a guy? Yeah. Well, I think he's got to get rid of that old image. We said stabbing. That doesn't mean he stabbed. Oh, that's true. Former child was sentenced for stabbing a man on Christmas Day in a bar fight in Wisconsin. What is that, a country song? Can you imagine getting killed? Your friend's like, what happened? Screech. Screech stabbed him. Oh, man. That's brutal. He should have gone, time out. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Mr. Belding shot him, dude. Mr. Belding shot him, man. Damn. Damn, I loved that show. So did I. I watched it all the time. I even watched the Miss Bliss years, and I watched the college years. Miss Bliss was fucking hot. Oh, yeah. She was just a good person and a good teacher. Yeah. She cared. Right, right. And then the college years were hot because they were older. Yeah. You know, Kelly Kapowski was like a woman. Damn, she was...

Hot woman. Hot woman. She got breast implants, too, at the end, and it really kicked her up a notch. Where do you stand on breast implants?

I like ours. Yeah. I don't, I prefer real, but breast implants look so good in clothing. You know, when you're, when you're feeling them, you're like, man, is it kind of hard as a rock and it takes you out of it a little bit. But when you see them in a shirt, it's like a wrapped gift. Uh-huh. Yeah. Wrapping is nice, but then you undo it. You're like, what do we do? Do we need this paper? Yeah. Good point. Good point. But a real tit, it's a, it's a, it's like getting cash. Yeah. You know, this is good all around.

Thanks, Mom. Titcoin. Titcoin! Yeah, that was... Yeah, I was never in a certain... Pierce Nipples freaked me out, too. I don't love Pierce Nipples. I don't love them. The only thing good about Pierce Morgan, I mean, Nipples, is you see him in a shirt, and you're like, this girl's fun. Like, you see him through the shirt, you're like, all right, she's cool. But I don't love him...

I remember I was in Springfield, Missouri, and I had DeVito with me and this young comic, Liam Nelson. And Liam is like seven feet tall. He's got these four girls coming out. And he's like, I've got four chicks coming. I'm like, this is hilarious. He's just hosting the show, trying to get laid. I'm like, this is like bringing me back.

Yeah. To being young. Good for him. And he's like pointing them out to me and I'm on stage. I'm like, afterwards, I'm like, dude, I could see one of them pierced nipples from like 40 feet away. It's like a little aggressive. Yeah, yeah. They know what they're doing. So you're like, that's just a hot look. I don't care who you are. Oh, the Cuomo. That was a real 180. He had pierced nipples. You never knew that? Yeah, I blocked it out. I remember now. Oh, yeah.

Jesus Christ, what is he thinking? He is a weird dude. He's single. He was like a sex guy. He was a fuck guy. Fuck boy. Yeah, but we don't need to know that about our politicians. I agree. Can you imagine if you just found out Elizabeth Warren had a pierced clit?

He'd be like, what are we doing? What are we doing here? That's hilarious. It's just a lot. Pelosi's got a bad tramp stamp. It's like a stock market thing. Yeah, he really fucked his brother's life up too, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He said he almost killed himself. That's like a, it's like almost like a succession level thing where like you kind of just kind of do right by your brother and then he fucks your life over. I know. And it was the big, Andrew Cuomo, during the beginning of the pandemic, I was staying at the ladies house or their parents in Boston, Cape Cod. Damn. And we would watch the Cuomo thing every day. It was like,

It was like an old 50s thing where we all come together around the TV and listen, you know? People thought he was going to be the Democratic nominee, though. Totally. He's going to take over. Can you imagine if he was president? Yeah, oh my God. Nipple rings up on the podium? That's insane. He just does it shirtless. Like, ugh.

He's got a whip. There's a girl. The first lady's ball gagged. Yeah, that was wild. Well, there's no first lady. He would have been, I guess, the first president to win a single president. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Holy shit. It's a different girl every speech. Yeah. Just fucks whores. Damn.

Damn. That would be easier when you're dealing with foreign leaders, though. You just are like, I brought some whores out. This guy's all right. It's like Liam. There's no. But, you know, Biden's like, let me check in with Jill real quick. Yeah, that's true. Pussy whipped. Also, we don't have to pretend to like their book. Michelle Obama wrote a book. All right. No first lady. No, no book.

But all these girls were TikToking, I remember, about how much they thought Andrew Cuomo was hot. I know. They were like, he's so sexy, he's taking charge, he's a real man, and then... Women get duped.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Also, how often do we do this with the media where they just will raise up this guy who's a hero and then it turns out to be Michael Avenatti? Oh, he was huge. Women were like, I want to fuck him. So sexy. There were people like, this guy rules. And now he's a con man who's helped millions of dollars. But that's what the media does. They will build...

It's radians. It's like a TV show. It's like, this will be our hero this season. Totally. And they do it with bad guys, too. Some guys aren't actually that bad, but they'll just go, he's evil, he's evil, he's great. It's like pro wrestling. I'm with you, man. Putin seems all right. If you get to know him. I don't know.

Well, like Ukraine is full of Nazis and all this shit, but we're like, oh, we're supposed to like Ukraine? All right. It is like a series. Yeah, nobody's perfect, but we make some people heroes and some people villains, and they keep flipping and flopping. Any other peeves? Yeah, I got another one. Now, I hope I haven't brought this up before, but you know me. I'm an aisle guy on a flight. Love the aisle, but...

I hate the guy with the window shade open. But look, he got the window seat, so it's his window. I get it. But here's my beef. Window's open. It's 8 a.m. Just piping sunbeams coming in there like crazy. He's asleep.

On the wall. Now the beam doesn't even hit him, but it hits everybody else. I see people two rows behind me going like this shit. It's fucking Cyclops. It's awful. It's brutal. The morning move. It's a dick move in the morning. It's a dick move. And I don't think he realizes because he's off nuzzled on the wall.

And the window's in front of him. He should realize. He should. That's part of being a decent member of society is realizing. Exactly. And I'm kind of being passive aggressive. I'm putting the menu in my glasses, trying to build a wall on my face so I can't get any sun. I've got the hood up over half my face. And eventually I couldn't take it anymore. And I leaned over him while he was asleep. And I slowly put the shade down quietly. And two people were like, what?

Wow. So I got like some approval, but I couldn't take it anymore. Guy's obsessed with the wall. See, the wall works. It fucking works. You use that. It does block things out. Yeah, yeah. It worked for that. No, it's a dick move. Here's another dick move on morning flights is the loud guy.

Oh, yes. Even if you're not trying to sleep, that's a fucking bad energy in the morning. Totally, totally. You ever have the guy, I heard this, he's just talking to the flight attendant, rather. He's going up.

Did you bring a food on the flight? Did you bring food? Like very loud. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I got food. And he's like, you eat what we eat? And he's like, no, I brought my own thing from home. He's like, they don't feed you? And I'm like, oh, give this guy a fucking humanitarian award. Fuck you. We're all trying to sleep, you piece of shit. I know. And you could go, they don't feed you? That's crazy. But you have to go, oh, they don't feed you? You want us to know you're a good person, but we think you're a piece of shit. Yes, yes. It's backfired.

I'm with you. I had the guys... Why don't you peel them off a 20, you piece of shit? Good point. You give them a fruit snack. But I had the two guys behind me, two rows behind me, going like, oh, where are you from? I love Cincinnati. Went twice last year. And just talk to them. You can't just go, oh, yeah, I love Cincinnati. It's great. Great town. The Bengals. Joe Burrow. I hate that shit. The fucking... The loud voice in the morning. It's also just a voice in public. Yeah. The person...

It's people who have nothing interesting to say who are that loud. Right. They're so used to overcompensating. Hey, we know some comedians who do that. They get louder with the less funny. I remember at List and I were on a flight years ago, and we were kind of crossing each other, and we were just surrounded by dudes on a bachelor party. Oh.

Oh, no. And they were all in polo shirts, and all of them were just like high-fiving. Yeah. I was in the middle. They're like high-fiving through me. They just keep high-fiving. I'm like, this is brutal. And they're all in the same polo shirt. Yes, yes. I've seen that. And they're in the same polo shirt, and then one of them takes one out and hands it to a guy, and he's like, dude. They just keep high-fiving. We're like, what is this? I know. And then they act like you're some kind of square because you're not getting involved.

With them, and you're like, I don't know you guys. I hate that shit. That'd be a great scene in a movie. The high-fiving. And then they order a ton of drinks on the plane, and then when the plane lands, they have to clap for some reason. The clappers. Fuck you. I hate the clap. Although, I was in a flight in Africa once, and it was the most rinky-dink plane, and when that thing landed...

I not only clapped, I like did the, I like faced Mecca and did this shit. I kissed the runway. It was because it was. You made out with the flight attendant? Yeah, I mean, Sully would have been like, I'm not flying that thing. Damn. It was wild. Yeah, we had some bad turbulence on the way back from Utah and.

Veeder's texting me. He's like, I'm next to a woman who is having a full-blown panic attack. Oh, yeah. She's screaming. I was laughing so fucking hard. Crazy. By the way, Veeder's opening for my special. He's the best. I'm pretty excited. He will expect top-shelf food, though. Okay, I can handle that. He will be demanding some good meals.

All right, all right. Literally every text is, you better take me out fancy tonight, bitch. That's every text from him. It's funny how when people are sober, they have to find some other way to get joy. The gym and eating really well. Yeah, and gadgets. I know people who love gadgets who are sober. Yeah, they're like, have you gotten the new electric blanket that plays music? I'm like, get the hell out of here. Electric blanket? Dude, you know what? I got another rec for you, and this is going to sound really dumb, but gut health.

God help. Because we, like, look, you're doing the athletic greens now. I'm doing it now. Yeah. And this is part of being a drinker, I guess, where I will have, like, you know, a bottle and a half of wine, and then I wake up the next day, and I have, you know, some kimchi, and I think all is saved, you know? But shit like that is supposed to be really healthy, kimchi or, you know, anything that's just, like,

Everyone I talk to who's really into health is like gut health is health. And we do a lot to fuck up our guts. Oh, yeah. It's all good. So what is it? A pill? Is it a powder? Anything. I mean, just anything to take care of your gut. Just like health. You know, eat well. Anything. I think pickled stuff is good, right? Oh, really? Pickled is. By the way, that's how you know you're getting older when you're like, give me some pickled food.

Yeah. No kid is like, are these pickled beets? You know? That's true. Adults love that. I love pickled food. I do too, but I think our livers are pickled. I don't know if that helps. Improve your gut. Oh, wow. This is all my rider, the fruits and veggies. Okay, diverse food. I do that.

What else? You got veggies. I do a lot of veggies. Beans, fruit. You do a lot of beans. Yeah, yeah. See? Fermented foods. That's what I was saying. Kimchi. Oh, wow. Yogurt. Yeah, Greek yogurt's good. Oh, all right, all right. Maybe I'll start doing more kombucha. Probiotics. Kombucha's what I... It's just all sugar and shit. We get enough sugar. Like, I think about how much sugar we take in just from, like...

I do so much wine on the road. Oh, yeah. And I can't resist a Manhattan. Yeah. Or Negroni's, man. I had Negroni at a good... I was at Minetta the other night. Yeah.

With Rachel Feinstein. We're just downing Negroni. It's so fucking good. Oh, yeah. So good. That bar late night. Yeah, it's a great bar. When it's dead. It's funny, too, because that block is kind of trashy. You know, it's like off the wagon and all these shitty food cookie joint beer pong. Yeah, and then you go there and it's like this sexy ass jazzy vibe. Love that place. We got to do a beer pong ep of this.

dude. Oh, you and me versus someone. I'm, I'm down. Let's do it. Look, that's, that's, that's what I can do. Breastfeed for at least six months. Hey, if you can, that's hilarious. Damn. Women have it hard. Oh,

Just a little baby sucking on your nipple. I know. And then you chew. Oh, my God. You see breasts after that. Oh, yeah. The damage is done. It's bad news. It looks like an old eraser. Tough test. Remember David Tell's joke? Women, you have drinks coming out of you.

If men had drinks coming out of their nipples, what would it be? Beer. I'm driving along. My buddy's sucking my nipple. We hit a bump. Now he's sucking my dick. Still holds up. That joke is timeless. He's the best. The king. The king. Speaking of which, I think we got a surprise guest popping in any minute now. Did you give him the intro or the info? Yeah, I think I did. Let me just double check, see if he texted.

Oh, yeah. You got spots tonight? I just got asked to do one, but I don't know if I'm going to. I need a night off every once in a while. Yeah. I hear that. I'm doing an hour at the cellar tomorrow. Oh, I'm doing one a night. Yeah, they're good. I just like, then the second I have a night off, I'm like, but what am I going to do? Yeah. I don't know. Should I do it? I know you're going to say yes. I would say it's just because what else are you going to do? And you can do one set and still watch a movie, still have dinner. Like one set isn't really going to ruin you. Yes, I'm in. Fuck it. All right.

There we go. I have no life. Yeah. Is he good? Is our guest all right? Yeah, yeah. He had the right address. Wait. No, wait. What was it? 251 West 30... Oh, I don't want to give the address away. Or do I? Fuck it. Send us stuff. Yeah, I was in Spokane. You got to get Belzer on this wall, man. Oh, Belzer. R.I.P. R.I.P. to Richard Belzer. How was Utah? Utah was great, man. I love a little Salt Lake action. I mean, you get those...

The Mormons are very interesting. So you either get the ex-Mormons who look like they're in the Ramones or you get the current Mormons who look like Kenneth from 30 Rock. It's a nice little range. But you get a nice mix and their energy is great. Man, do they drink there. Oh, yeah. Because when you have a 1 a.m. closing time for the bars, you got to fucking get lit. You got to do it. Man, there was one guy in the front row. I shit you not, he had 12 drinks on his table.

And he was completely coherent. Wow. That's when you know it's a problem. Yeah. When you're not even phased. And apparently he's like a well-known ski instructor or something there. Oh, wow. But he would just put them the fuck back. Yeah. Salt Lake is always a good time. I got fucked on hotels because it was all-star week. But, I mean. Says he's here. Yeah. So where'd you stay? Like a Hilton Garden Inn or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like 500 plus a night. Oh. Yeah. Free coffee. Free coffee.

Yeah. That's about it. That was with Vitor, so he didn't want that free coffee. He wanted that Starbucks next door. Yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah, great club, though. Great. Keith, you're the man. Love Keith. Great club, great guys. I just added all these California dates, so I'm pumped. I got, like, you know...

Coming up, we've got San Diego, LA, SAC, and SF. So that's going to be a fun stretch in April. So I'm pumped. That's fun. And we've got the bus coming up in March. So it's like 11 straight nights. Beautiful. The bus is the best. I love it. Going up that golden coast with a bus, can't beat it. It's going to be great.

It's got to be great. And I love San Diego. Oh, we're not doing the bus for that show because it's four nights. We're doing the bus from Miami back to New York. So we're coming from Florida basically back here. I see. But we're hitting all those fun places. It'll be like starting in Miami, ending in Port Chester. But we're hitting like D.C., Charleston, Atlanta, Miami, Orlando, all that shit. Yeah. Damn, that's a big run. It'll be good. Yeah. Every night work in D.C.,

It's going to be great. Love it. Wilkes-Barre. I'm lucky I got Vitor in that nice little window. Dude, it's going to be... He's such a good... You need a good hang in that group room. Yeah. Will Silvins is coming. Is he? I was like, I might be able to give you some time. He's like, I just want to be there. Really? I fucking love him, dude. Love Will. He's got to come on the pod more. Yeah. He's so fun. We were riffing last night. It was like... Every once in a while, it goes off the rails, but we were in the zone last night. Oh, yeah. He's the best. It's good when it clicks. Yes, yes. You get that video...

Uh-oh. Hey, you're on air. How's it going? Yeah, just keep it natural. Oh, yeah. Look at this guy. You want to make this guy a cocktail by any chance? Do you want anything? Yeah, please. What are you, a vodka guy? Oh, hey, even better. Oh, give him a bodega cat.

Oh, he can't make that. He's 11 years old. Can you? Can you make one? Oh, all right. Great. Just get the man some ice. How the hell are you? I'm good. Good to see you, man. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. I almost wore that shirt, and I'm glad I did. There you go. I made a million of those. I had to rep. I had to rep. How you been, man? I've been good. How you guys doing? Good, good. I'm a little sick, but I'm pushing through.

All right. Is it the vid? What do you got? No, no. Just from pushing it too hard, we did. We added a 4.30 show in Spokane, and we went out the night before. I mean, the amount of traveling you do, too. I know. It's a lot. You guys are on the road all the time. It's a lot. Eight-hour travel day yesterday.

People need to understand the commitment it takes to continue drinking when you work this much. Mark's got the great bit about the functioning alcoholic, about how they deserve more credit. Than the sober guy. Yeah, because Mark's, you know, that bit where he's like, fuck you, I slept here. Yeah. That's how I feel about all those people who are bragging online about being sober all the time. Like, it's been 842 days since I last... I'm like, you did nothing. Your life is better. You quit, actually. Yeah.

Yeah, you're a quitter, and it's easy to wake up sober. It's healthier. It's the way to be. Yeah. It's boring. That's the problem. It is. Well, I'm like a weed fan. I feel like that to me is sort of a good middle ground of your body isn't chewed up all the time. Alcohol all the time is rough on you. But you do ayahuasca and shit, too. I do. That's what, once a year? I just did it a couple weeks ago. I do it maybe two to four times a year. Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot.

Well, there's so much involved that you've got to go to some shaman and a hut in South America. You could do it in not South America too nowadays. Oh, okay. Also, what's hard is the three days before and the three days after. No caffeine, no alcohol, no weed, no fried foods. Whoa, why not? What?

Just to get the full impact. I mean, you could, but it's just going to dilute it. And like, you know, if you know, fried foods. Yeah. Yeah. They're holistic and natural about, you know, so what do you eat? Like going in like vegetables and, you know, you can do fish steamed things. So ayahuasca actually makes you healthier just in general. Cause you have to be to, to go with it. Yeah. I mean, it's not like a party drug. It's, it's like medicine. You're there to do some work afterwards. You're like, Oh shit, I got to like do yoga and change my life. Right. Like,

and everything toxic I've been doing. And then you forget about it and you go back to all your shit. And then you got to do ayahuasca again. Yeah, it's like a nice reset. Yeah, it's definitely like the reset. I had a woman once tell me it's like 10 years of therapy in one. Wow. It sounds horrible. Well, that's... It's like a line that people use. I went to my therapist after the first time of doing ayahuasca and she was like, I'm really amazed at...

the breakthroughs you've had from doing it almost like she felt not that she felt bad but she's kind of like a little bit of like you know what we've been meeting every fucking week for like five years and you go you do this plant for like one weekend and all of a sudden you learned all the shit I've been trying to explain to you that's a bit

Well, because therapists can't tell you what, or good ones anyway, don't tell you what to do. They're always just kind of hinting so you figure it out for yourself. Yeah. Whereas Ayahuasca just tells you what to do. Does your therapist tell you what to do? Oh, my God, yeah. He's absolutely been like, you need to do this. I'm like, I don't want to. And he's like, do it. I'm like, all right. You listen? You pay attention? Yeah. He wanted me to suck him off, so I did. You know?

No, he tells me what to do all the time. It's not good. Yeah, no, same guy. It's usually good advice, though. I know, but it's definitely – the problem is when they encourage you to confront people is that they're not always – it's not always going to help the relationship. Totally. Certain people I think you have to accept with their flaws, and there is a part of his philosophy that's like –

No, this person needs to hear that. And I'm like, but they're not doing this type of work on themselves. So it's going to destroy the relationship. It's a good point. I think in general, this is the thing for being a truth teller is really venerated in our society. But if you go around doing it, people don't like you. No. It's not a good way. It's not beneficial to you in your life to go around telling the truth to people you like. Do I look fat in this? There's your marriage right there. Get out of here with the truth. The truth is overrated.

But like going back to the therapist, I think my, I guess I assumed all therapists were this way. I think her theory is that like if she just tells me what to do, it won't actually stick. So I've got to figure it out for myself or at least be fooled into thinking like I decided it. Right. But yeah, I don't know if that's right or not. Neil Brennan said he got Chris Rock to do it. And now Chris Rock is religious.

Oh, Neil Brennan says he believes in God. Really? Yeah. That's wild. Although I do think- That seems like going backwards to me. Well, we get into what is God.

It's like, are you, I don't think either one of these guys are like sheep who are just like obeying. No, no. Like some preachers telling them to do. That'd be funny if it just made rock boring. Seriously. I mean, there are a lot of these wellness people who you're like, what happened? You've been neutralized or something. Totally, totally. I think both those guys still have like strong opinions, but just like, do you believe in like a bigger spiritual force or something that's.

you know, kind of controlling the universe. That's not just your own ego. That makes sense. There is something when people walk around too happy that I'm like, are you fucking dumb? You know, that's not healthy either. Just make, to just make an assumption about someone because they don't seem miserable. Well, this was like a Socrates asked that. Is it better to be like a pig that's satisfied or a genius dissatisfied? Yeah.

That's why I'm a pig. The best is when everybody's full of shit, you know, like Ellen is dancing every episode, but then you hear, like, oh, she's a huge coos behind the scenes. And I love that. I love when they, like Cosby. Cosby's America's dad, pull your pants up, put a sweater on, jello pop, and then, you know, look at him. The more you got to perform something constantly, the more suspicious it is. Exactly. Like the guys who got the big...

Oh, yeah, nerds.

in a religious way impressed me. People who talk a lot about being religious, I'm like, go volunteer at a fucking soup kitchen, then I'll believe it. Don't get me started on the God hates fags guys. They're all blowing each other. It's true. So many. So many end up like all these sellers. Don't get him started. Go go. I mean, I have the merch, but I'm just saying.

Yeah, so to the overcompensation, it's like you see this Chelsea Handler video that's going around? No. Oh, it's like super viral about her. She's like,

Here I am, being a woman with no kids in my 40s. I think I'm going to smoke weed, then masturbate, then go back to bed, wake up at noon, then fly to Paris, then get drunk, then meet a hot guy on Raya. And she's like, if I had a kid, I wouldn't be able to do any of this. And all these angry moms are like, fuck you, you're sad, you're dead inside, you whore, whatever. And it's causing a lot of stir with the women. Who cares if she wanted...

Yeah. I'm not on any side, but I do think it's a little pokey. She's poking like, hey, you idiot ladies. Well, someone went after her, like some Tucker Carlson guy. Sure. Started or whatever. Right, right. A lot of people went after her. But there's pressure on women to like, you know, just give in and have kids. And I think it's not for everybody. I think totally. There's societal pressure that's just like, well, does everyone need a family? I think a lot of people, you see them on flights all the time. Like this person doesn't want a family.

No. But they felt they should. Yeah. And now we have two kids with a mother who's fucking miserable and drunk on the flight. Agreed. I think my parents are in that boat. I mean, I think a lot of people. Your parents are very proud of you. I'm just kidding. A lot of people have no purpose in life, and they think having a child will fill that hole. And then they have a child, and they're like, I guess this is a purpose, but I don't like it.

but people are saying she's overcompensated. The whole thing we talked about, like she's really, he thinks now Doth protest. Yeah. Laying it on real thick. So you're like, maybe you do want to get that. That's the big, I just feel like we're all generating content. Like we're talking about it. Like Tucker Carlson, what does he even believe? You know, they don't believe the election stolen, but they go on air and say it was, and then they,

they make fun of her for being like some, you know, lonely shrew. And then she's going to be like, Oh, you're wrong. Yeah. What are we all doing? I'm sure if you took every Fox news and every CNN person behind the scenes, got them drunk or you're like, do you believe all this? They'd be like, I'm just trying to keep my job. You know, I got to pay the rent. Don Lemon's a fan of yours. How about that? Yeah. And right when he comes out as a fan, he gets...

We're at gateway to getting you fucked over. You're fucked. You're too influenced. Don Lemon, like he was, you know, doing the anti-woke stuff. And I'm just like, keep your job, dude. I know. Play ball. This works on YouTube. This doesn't work on CNN. Yeah. Come on here. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. Give me some of that sweet cancel culture buzz. It worked. Well, you saw Salak who's posted. We'll do Don Lemoncellos. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You gotta have a mon, right? I would love to have a mon. Yeah, sure.

He's free, apparently, right now. So he's got some free time. Yeah, well, it's a silly thing to say. What was the exact thing he said? I didn't actually hear it, so maybe it's out of context because I feel like so much stuff. But he said that women after 40 are not in their prime anymore as politicians. Nikki Haley. I'm like, are you talking about fertility or politics? Right, right. And they were like, what do you mean, Don? He's like, no, no, I'm just saying she's clearly not in her prime. He kept going with it. Yeah, in her prime is just stay away from that. Yeah, with the ladies.

Yeah. That's tough. It's like telling your black friend, hey, you're whipped. All right. There you go, Don. We're even.

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Nice.

uh yeah that's uh those shows so much talking and yeah it's around the clock news you gotta say something bad all tv news is like anyone who watches i'm like what are you doing with your life it's too much what are you doing it's also for the most part most news is like subscription based now too which is like yeah almost newspapers you know especially so it's like you're just kind of pandering yeah or these sub stacks where you people are literally paying you like whatever 80 bucks a year to tell so you tell them what they want to hear

Like, where are the incentives? Like, you know, going back to being a truth teller. Like, you're going to tell everyone who subscribes to your shit why they're, like, dumb and wrong? Or are you just going to feed them what they want to hear? And now you're in a bubble. Now you regurgitate everything you agree with and no one gets anywhere. And we just start separating more and more. Because if you don't agree with me completely, we're not cool. Well, the problem is, like, MSNBC is, like, the left one. Fox is the right one. And then CNN, like, you'd want to think they're kind of in the middle. But they're just kind of left, too. Of course, yeah. It's a bad...

Being in the middle is a dumb place to be from a business perspective. Of course, but now you have two that are on the left that are major and...

that of course takes away from each other yeah and then the one on the right has the highest ratings right newsmax or own you ever tune into one of those on the road those are much smaller yeah scary shit i talked to someone who said they were offered a position there and she was like fuck that shit oh wow stuff for sure really well i mean i don't know just like do you believe in the do you want the truth from your news or you want to be like yeah fuck

those people. Right, right. Well, it's a thin line now, right? I mean, it's not really news if it's on that much, right? It's entertainment. The news used to be like once a day and it was like one person. You're like, I trust this person. Now it's like 14 people. I mean, same in sports. ESPN is all just like two dudes arguing about like LeBron versus MJ. I'm like, did anyone play an actual game last night? Did we watch

that I know right well that's that's what they do because and it's like arguments you could tell they don't even really believe but it's like the way we'll just kind of like riff on something for the sake of the joke but they're doing that with like journalism yes you know yes good well everything's become wrestling that's how I see it everything is like pro wrestling you said that 20 minutes ago that's so funny there it is it's all pro wrestling because you need the ratings you need the heel you need the hero yeah you see Colin uh

What's his name? Skip Bayless. Coward? Skip Bayless throws a Cowboys jersey in the trash. It's like this is – Total wrestling. This is a wrestling thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's 71. It's comical to be a 71-year-old man and be like, oh, I hate you. Well, just to get back to the news thing, how crazy is we undervalued newspapers, the actual physical form of a newspaper forced you to read shit you didn't want to click on? Right.

It would just show up on the next page. You'd be like, I guess I have to learn about this. And then the opinion stuff was all on like two pages in the back. And you knew this was the opinion stuff. And the rest of the newspaper was news. And there was no name. Not by a person. It was just, this is the New York Times. Now the New York Times says like...

40 opinion pieces every day and then they're like why don't people trust us I'm like well you stopped doing the news you just offered up a bunch of opinions and now people are dumb they can't tell the difference they think you've got an agenda but they need subscribers that's the thing is like every you could tell they're like kind of crying poor every New York Times podcast they

You listen to it. There's like a little guilt speech where they're like, this isn't free, guys. We need – Them and the Washington Post are the only two survivors too. So if they're doing that, imagine what happened to the Chicago Tribune or all these other small town papers. And then the worst thing, the most dangerous thing is people go, but this is just my truth.

And you're like, wait, wait, wait, we need to go truth or not truth. But this is my truth. Then you're like, what? And then if you argue with them, you're a bigot or whatever. This is my lived experience. I love that one. It's like, isn't every experience lived? You think there's some zombies out there? We've all had experiences. That doesn't mean yours is the one true way of the world. By the way, the one I actually want to hear is a coma experience.

That's the one you actually want to hear about. What happened when you were in a coma? No one talks about it. Yeah. Did you get diddled by the doc? Did you hear things? Do you remember when you were in a coma? That's a good question. I don't think so, no. Interesting. I remember the Tony Soprano coma episode. Yeah, that was great. Yeah. Weird one. Carmella came in. She's like, oh, Tony, when you were 15, you beat up that guy at the ice cream stand. That was so hot. I never forgot that.

Classic. Can I blow smoke up both your asses while we're in public right now? Is this your truth? This is my lived experience of you two as comedians, two of the best comedians working. Here's what I think people don't always factor in. Keep going. The volume of stuff that you guys are putting out. Keep going. The frequency of the show.

Almost there. Well, there's like, I think there's a lot of people who put out like a good special like every like three years or something like that. Like the amount that you guys are generating and the quality of it, I think is like so fucking impressive in addition to everything else that you're doing. So I just want to, like as a comedian, I feel like you guys are kind of setting the bar for where people can be and what they can do. Well, you got the bar right. But, and we're drinking throughout the whole thing and we're doing a podcast and I'm getting

married and he's gay now so we're very busy it was mark doing this that turned me i can't wait for the burnout to happen i can't wait for it all to crash and burn and we've found out the truth oh it's gonna be ugly yeah yeah yeah you know it's the kreischer model when that falls it's gonna fall hard when they when they find our name on those epstein flight logs but until then

Well, we're amongst a great group. Bill Gates, Bruce Tucker. Yeah, we wish. Jesus Christ. Real thinkers. There was a lot of thinking going on in that play. Those were some good conversations, I bet. Definitely. Now that's the podcast. The Lolita podcast. iHeartRadio.

I heart teens. All right. But thank you. I appreciate it. Well, I feel like you got to capitalize when you're hot. Yeah. It's all going to go away at some point. The fizzle has to end. Use that momentum. Yes. So that's what I'm doing. I remember opening for Jim Jefferies like years ago. It was probably like 2011 or something. Remember this shit? Sure. That weekend at Caroline's? We went out after with him. We would party with him after. It was so fun. But I remember at the end of the weekend, he sold out every show. I just watched him take a long drag of a cigarette and he goes...

I'll see this place on the way back down. Sums it all up. Well, a buddy of mine is a booking agent for rock bands. I used to talk about that too. You see these people go up and some of them, they treat everyone like shit as they're going up. And he's like, I'm just telling you, I've seen this before. You're coming back to these same people again in the future. So just make sure who you treat well and who you don't. Totally. We've all been doing it long enough to see some of those people kind of get humbled already. You see those people, you're like, I remember people being such...

such a dick oh yeah even at that age i was like you know this is not the right move right well i feel like that joan rivers doc was a great examination of what a real career is like yeah it's not all you can have the most heat for like a few years but a real career for decades is always gonna have ups and downs and you you gotta like factor that in and realize that if you're you're in it for the long haul yeah patrice called it the roller coaster he's like sometimes you're up on the top of that

that, uh, you know, that drop and it's so fun. And then you got to get back in line and that's when your show's not getting picked up. Auditions aren't going, you're bombing your, your tickets aren't selling, but then you get back up. And then it's, although maybe that's changed now because we can connect with people in a more direct way. Like we had to like,

for years, it was like, you got to go through this maze of like these industry people. Like now, if you just stay connected to your fans, I wonder if, if there is a smoother trajectory. I think you're right. I think you're a podcasting. It's a, it's a one A to B. You go right to them. But I do think, I'm scared of younger comics now. Like when I was coming up,

I feel like I just wasn't allowed to talk. Like, if I was around a bunch of bigger comics and I spoke, they'd be like, why is he talking? And you're like, okay, sorry. Now, if I'm around a bunch of younger comics, I'm, like, blowing them. Like, Kurt Metzger had a great point. He's like, when I started, I was super nice to the industry because I wanted to get stuff. Now I'm very nice to young comics so they don't, like, tweet about me and shit. And I'm like, that's so true.

it's kind of flipped because they'll just go on like a face thing and be like Matt Ruby farted on me in a green room I'm just saying what happened to me Mark Norman farted on me on a podcast it's out there if you want to see it don't book him he made this jerk off motion throughout the podcast

The other thing was somebody said back in the day, a club used to book the features. Now the headliner books the features. And that's very true. Well, that would happen early on. They'd be like, we, and I always respect clubs that like we have our own culture and we're trying to build a culture here too. But at the same time, you know, like when we're on the road every week, I need to have someone I know with me, not just for my sanity, but I know it's going to be a good show. Yes. Yes. It's paying off. You have your culture.

Yeah. It's sort of like my culture matters too. And this is my show that I want people to come back to and I need a killer opener on that show. Sure, sure. Good point.

Yeah, it's a different time. But I heard one comic, big comic, not going to say his or her name, but they were like, I think I'm going to fire my manager. And I was like, well, you've been with your manager 40 years. You're huge. And he's like, I make so and so million a year. So we know. We know what the he knows. I make 44 million a year or whatever the fuck he makes. What does that mean? They get 4.4 million every year? Wow. That's insane. That's insane.

They get 10% of my giant check. Internet detectives, get on it. I'm just like, why do I have to give them that? Yeah. And then you fired yours. Years ago. I haven't had a manager in a long, long time. And you're doing fine. Yeah.

You miss it? Anything about it? No, not at all. Wow, not a peep. I have a tour manager on the road now, and he does a shitload. So I see what he does, and he puts money back in my pocket. He does stuff that makes sense, and he's great. I don't really – I'm sure there's stuff that – there are good managers out there, but I've never seen it. But no one gives a fuck about this talk at home. No one cares about the manager talk. But it goes back to the business changing is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah.

The internet, the pods, the clips, it's all direct. Totally. So you did a special where you're on a different drug in every, so it's four sets, one high on weed, one drunk, one on shrooms, and one sober. Mmm.

Four weeks apart, filmed back to back. Yeah. Directed by our boy, Matt Salacuse. Salacuse did an amazing job directing it. The Qs. Love him, appreciate him. What he did that was really valuable for the whole thing was kind of push it because we did documentary stuff leading up to each episode.

show to push it to be like, let's get a little deeper. Let's get a little more philosophical. Let's talk about like these substances and, you know, making art and performing and how it all interacts with each other in a way that I don't think out of the gate, I was like super comfortable with, but like he kept pushing for it. And I think in the end, it's part of what people are responding to is because it's like, it's funny. It's interesting to see these substances, but then you also get like a little behind the scenes of like,

what are you trying to do on stage? Who are you trying to be? Do you want to be polished? Do you want to be scripted and rehearsed? Or do you want to just be in the moment and loose? And like, are you best when you're a little bit like, you know, fucked up? Are you best when you're like completely sober? What's, what does the audience want? Yeah. Like what do you, what's the real goal here at the end of all this? And so I think a lot of that stuff came out. That's the, that's the best when you can get a little deeper. And what also took balls is,

Most people do a special. They go, hey, I'm doing a special. I'll do it an hour. Come on out. You did this in front of random New York audience. They had no idea what was going to happen until the host brought me up and told them the concept. So told them the four substances, but didn't tell them which one I was on. And so I just go up and I had to navigate that out of the gate. So, yeah, it was like a little bit of like this experiment of.

okay, let's try this. And the highs were great. Spoiler alert, the shroom set was probably my favorite one. The sober one was probably the best, me as the best comedian. And the drunk one was so awful that for a week afterwards, I was being like, what the hell am I doing? Whoa. I'm paying money to film people, to have people film me be bad at the thing that I want the world to think I'm good at. Wow.

I was like, I didn't remember a word I said the next day. Yeah, how drunk did you have to get for it to count in your mind? It's got to read that he's drunk. I wanted to be legally drunk, so I brought a breathalyzer, and I was. And then they gave me shots before I went on and brought me a drink on stage, and I didn't remember anything I said during the set until the next day I had to listen back. Wow. How was the hangover? Terrible. Oh.

Terrible. Mental, emotional, and physical. Like, oh my God, what the hell did I just do? Oh man. And like, it was like, uh, we edited it in a way that it's compelling filming. I'll say this about myself. Even when I was fucked up, I was like, I don't think that was a good set, but it was good. Good.

filmmaking good footage so I knew that even when I was messed up but I did not feel good in that room in like I don't think I did a good job I broke the contract between audience and performer but you did it for the sake of the special yeah have you ever gone on that drunk before this not that not never that drunk that high I've done like I've smoked a joint or had a couple drinks but never anything like this part of it was like I can't just go on having two drinks and act

No, no. I like that. You've got to go for it if you're going to do it. How many drinks do you think it was? I think it was like eight drinks in an hour or something like that. No meal. I just got it off a flight from Memphis where I'd done a corporate gig the night before. So I didn't eat. Oh, my gosh. Do you remember talking to me at all? Was it that week? Yeah, we hung out. We fucked. I knew my ass was sore. We chatted before and you were like, whoo.

You were like cartoon guy drunk. I don't remember that. I didn't know that. Oh, wow. Yeah, I was cartoonishly drunk. Yeah. Which usually I'm like not. Was there a set you were trying to hit or was it kind of more? Yeah, but like drunk I forgot to tell jokes. I just completely, I told like two jokes in like a 20-minute set. How much of that made the special? I mean, maybe. 15 minutes of it? Yeah, like.

10 to 12 minutes from the drunk side. And what order is that one in? That's second. So first one's high, then it's drunk, then it's shrooms, and then sober. So you close with your two favorites. Yeah. I think also I figured out what was happening in the project. Oh.

In the beginning, I was just like, let's see what happens. And also after the drunk one, there was like a lot of pressure internally. Totally. I better fucking deliver on like shrooms and sober because like I really fucking shit the bed on this drunk one. And the shrooms one was also it's like I like doing shrooms. I can talk on shrooms. And we got to like

some i had some good jokes and then i also talked about some deeper stuff about like my mom and new york city and death and reincarnate shroomy stuff but like still like fun and captivating and then the sober one was good because i was like oh finally i can actually it's like when you've been swinging a bat with the weight on it for like you know and then i got to go on and swing like a normal bat like oh yeah well you're how i would like to perform yeah i'm i'm at the peak of my power yeah exactly is shrooms i mean is that

Are you in control when you're on shrooms on stage or no? I am. I mean, I, you know, I think there's how much would you take? You could take an amount where you're not in control. I think I was like riding that line of still also like for me, I've done shrooms a lot. So I feel like I'm pretty competent and can like, you know, handle my shit and talk. But I think, yeah, for a lot of people, I don't know if I'd advise it. No, I've done it before. It's it sucks.

Because you want to just be high or do stand-up. They're not good together. Well, I'll tell you what I saw, which even comes up as the difference between the drunk one and the shrooms one. The drunk, when you're drunk, it's all ego. It's all like everything I'm saying is interesting. It's almost like how they feel doesn't matter because it's all about you. And then the shrooms one was like no ego. It's like, oh, how I feel doesn't matter at all. We're all connected in all this shroomy stuff of like, how do we have a good time together? What's funny for us as a group in this way that's like...

to me was like really interesting and enjoyable. But the drunk one was sort of like, I thought I was doing great. I thought like, yeah, they want me to stay on stage even longer. They had to come get me off stage. Alcohol silences the voices in your head. That you should be listening to. Some of those voices, people are like, I got voices in my head. Well, are they right? If they're right, maybe you should be listening. What's also interesting too is every other performance, I think,

Drugs help. You know, performance-enhancing drugs, steroids, all this shit with athletes and singers. But with us, I think they hurt. Yeah. I think cocaine or booze or Adderall even, I think it hurts your performance. I feel like caffeine, are we counting that as a drug? Caffeine's maybe okay. Yeah, yeah. Caffeine, I'm just my sixth cup of coffee. Oh, wow. I need caffeine. I think it helps you write, maybe. Yeah. But I think being on stage...

sober with a full night's sleep there's nothing better yeah yeah that's true I think I need I need some coffee but uh that's interesting you talked about your mom I mean I remember you wrote something years ago on Facebook about it was beautifully written about your mom thanks it was moving and then she was like a very artsy woman yeah well so like uh another spoiler alert but like this is from doing this special like

my mom lived in the same house as like Lou Reed and John Cale and the velvet underground and like the lower side. And I knew about that, but I didn't know until filming the special. I had Googled some stuff. I was like, Oh, I should talk about that. Cause she threw this event, uh,

and this other guy, Angus, called Rights of the Dream Weapon. And I had found a flyer online and the address on the flyer was 85 East 4th Street, which is New York Comedy Club. Wow. Whoa. And that's where you filmed it? Yeah. And so then I was like, oh, I got to look this up and see if I can find out anything else about it. And I found this site where Sterling Morrison started talking about how he bumped into...

Lou and Angus on the street and they all decide to perform at this event, which was this rights of the dream weapon show at 85 East fourth street. And then I scrolled up the very first velvet underground performance ever Sterling Morrison, Lou Reed, John Cale and Angus McLeese produced by my mom in that space at 85 East fourth street where I filmed the special. And I found out about all that because I filmed the special there.

Wow. So it's like, to me, that's the kind of shit that you start doing shrooms or taking chances or being like, let's piece some stuff together. And then all of a sudden the universe just sort of like hands you something. Wow.

Wow. Your mom blew Lou Reed. No, no. She dated the drummer, Angus. Oh, all right. She thought Lou was an asshole because I came home one year from college listening to the Velvet Underground. She just stopped. She's like, are you listening to the Velvet Underground? I was like, yeah. She's like, I used to live with them. I was like, what? That's insanity. And then I'm like, were you a fan? And she's like, oh, we thought they were like too commercial. They're all listening to like Lamont Young and these like

people in lofts doing like a half hour of silence with like five notes and shit that was way more avant-garde yeah like what do you like like Angus who was the original drummer in the velvets quit because this is literally his lines like no one's ever gonna tell me when to start and stop playing drums gee what a cut okay well we're gonna get someone else yeah it's funny my mom had the same story with NWA sorry I had to get that out she fucked Eazy-E yeah yeah

That's where he got AIDS. Yeah, that was it. But yeah, man, that's hilarious. The Velvet Underground. That's incredible. It's an incredible story. Well, it's also about New York City and that neighborhood and what's going on. Even though it's all condos and a bunch of bullshit now, there's still something in the streets. Oh, the village is still alive. It comes from CBGBs and the Velvets and that whole era. CBGBs too. That's crazy about...

She dated the drummer. For how long? They toured. She hitchhiked through Europe and Asia with him. Wound up hanging out with Leonard Cohen in a cave in Greece. What? The Beatles album came out. Yeah, my mom was more interesting than I'll ever be. My whole life is just trying to come in second place. Leonard Cohen, man. Yeah, that's where I first found out about ayahuasca. I think his documentary or something. Really? He did it? Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. And that's where I found out you puke from that. Purge. Yeah. Yeah.

People's number one fear about it. Yeah. Right. Is that why you wouldn't do it? Puking. He's never done shrooms. No, I don't like psychedelics. Wait, what's up with that? I'd like to push it down. How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it? I don't know. I don't like getting fucked in the butt by a dude. I've never tried that. All right. What are you looking for? But you're not curious about that? No. Okay. Maybe curious about the shrooms? Not that curious. Either way, a mushroom head's going in you. All right.

I just, man, maybe I should try it. Mark's, there's never a time. I'm feeling like I never have a day off. And then when I have a day off, like, what am I going to experiment? Now I get that. The same reason I don't go on a fucking date. It's like, first of all, take a date. Wait, what's the reason you don't go out on a date? Well, if I'm home two days a week, you know, and then I, you know, one of those nights, I could be at the cellar both of those nights, but say one of those nights,

You know, I go on a date. What if the date sucks? I've just wasted half my week. What what what are you afraid of if you took a day off or two days off? I don't know. Something's wrong with me. I definitely Mark and I before you came here, I was I was like, I have a night off. And then someone just text me to do their show. And I said, should I do it? Mark's like, you should do it. And I said, all right, I'll do it. I figure it's 15 minutes. You'll still have the night, but you got 15 minutes of work and you'll feel better.

Yeah. You could do a whole night off. I mean, on some level, it's almost like if you're that afraid of it, it almost seems to me like maybe you should try it. Ooh. Like take a week off just to be like, what happens if I do this? It's a great idea. I'm going to go skydiving without a shoot. That's it. Ha ha ha.

I'm scared of that, too. True, but one will kill you. One won't. Yeah. How many dissatisfied customers are there? Is there like a Yelp for ayahuasca? Yeah, I think it's Vice News. They just find anyone who's ever been assaulted or fell off a cliff. It's like, this is what happens. Right. It makes me, I mean, I'm sure I will be. Like, honestly, I would be more scared of booze than I would, you know, mushrooms. Sure, for sure. I've just been drinking since I was so young. Right, right. Well, then it's fine.

Well, keep it up. Find something that's killing you slowly that you're comfortable with. Yes, yes. We'll get married. I mean, I do shrooms at my wedding. To me, shrooms amplify. It brings things more happy. Yeah. So I like them. For me, it's the staying single. That makes sense, too. I get both of them. Well, I like...

I think don't do anything that you don't want to do, but the self-examination that I would encourage is like, is this coming from, is it coming from a place of fear? Is it coming from a place of ego? Coming from a place of like being a control freak? Or is it coming from like, actually, like, no, that's just not right for me. Probably control freak. So it's like, is that, and is that working for you in a way that you want to like, you know, sustain and feed? Or are you like, is it, yeah, if you're, if it's working, keep doing it. If not, like challenge it, I'd say. Well said.

I'll start with shrooms, maybe. I think you'll like it. I think you would love shrooms. And you can drink while you do it also, by the way. Really? Yeah, yeah. The thing that I'll say is do it with people you like and in a setting that you like and with a mindset where you're in a good vibe. Because everyone always is like, I had a bad trip. And you're like, oh, did you do it at a music festival with 18 people you don't know? And then you couldn't find your tent. And you're like, oh, yeah, how did you know? Because every fucking bad trip story is exactly the same. That sounds awful to me. Yeah, a nightmare. Going to Burning Man is a gateway to talking about burning.

man. Also, like people try to get me to go to Burning Man a lot because they think I'm like a Burning Man kind of guy. It sounds interesting. I will say that. It does. Well, as a Jew, I think to return to the desert voluntarily is a little bit of a big ask. And then also just anything that's like, well, it's 10,000 people. I'm like, I

In the same groups. Right there, right there. The older you get, the more I'm like, fuck big groups. Yeah. Same with music. You want a small circle. We're going to Coachella. I'm like, ugh. It's a young man's game, but I will say I went to Bonnaroo, and I was probably like 28, and me and Michelle Wolf did shrooms, and we had a fucking blast. She described you as like a weird cat. Yeah. A weird cat. Because Mark would, it was like, I thought you were like a jazz wet. No, like Mark would just like disappear and then show up, and she'd be like, Mark.

yeah i remember her telling me about it yeah uh i did bonnaroo once too and it was i didn't do drugs i just did a show yeah it was fun yeah it's amazing bands there but again we had the pampered hotel just being in a tent and there's mud and like the i just watched too many woodstock documentaries to ever want to do anything like any of those totally i get it but

It was fun as a youth, but going back, the dust and all that. I feel the same way about political rallies. Even I went to a bunch of the Black Lives Matter rallies. The megaphone's always going to some guy. I don't think this guy should be amplified. This guy's got to work on his rally. Don't murder George Floyd, but also I'm opposed to slam poetry. Where's my lane?

where do I get to go to support you know like I'm always like any time political rallies where there's like 5,000 people chanting the same thing I'm like I'm checking out yeah this doesn't end well for Jews and then we throw in one at the end that you're like I was with the first three and that last one yes free Palestine you're like come on I'm right here

It's whenever it gets there's always one at the end. Or there's like a group of like white chicks who are like in their 20s like cursing out some cop and telling him to suck their dick. And I'm like, yeah, this is the height of white privilege. Right here. This is it. You're not helping. Yeah. You're not making black people feel better right now. Yeah. Don't help anyone do anything. Yeah.

Yeah, that was weird. And you want to go, how long are we marching? Like, I'll do it, but just let me know if it's an hour, is it two hours? March concern with the protest is the cardio. Yes. Yeah, I mean, I got to get my steps in. I'll protest for 10,000 steps and then I'm out of here. I would have brought a smart water if I knew we'd be doing all this walking. I'm just saying. Well, I always say the most white privilege thing I ever did was ask the cop where the protest was. I was like, is it over here? Is it over there? Yeah.

That's amazing. True story. I really did that. So yeah, it's on YouTube. Yeah.

Yeah, Matt Ruby's Substance. Check it out. Leave a comment. Like. Directed by Salamanca. Make fun of my yellow pants. That's what one guy did. It's fun. I saw a few of them live. You have a couple good lines in there. Oh, thank you. We have a show every Wednesday at the New York Comedy Club at 8 o'clock. Sells out every week. Good eggs. Great show. Great show. Great comic. Great lineups. And you did it there. And the one that I liked the most was the high one. Because you got high out of your tree. This guy was baked.

And then you went on, and the host goes, this guy's doing a thing where he's getting high and doing jokes for a special. And the crowd was like, oh, they were intrigued. And you went on, and you had a smile ear to ear, and you went, can you tell? Well, that's what I love, too. It's like, I didn't think of that. That was like literally on the way to the stage. I love that. From the intro, being like, oh, these are...

I know what everyone in this room is thinking, which I think to me is still probably like the best feeling as a comic. Yes. Everyone in the room is thinking something and you're the one to articulate it. Yeah. And they all laugh in that, that moment of like shared experience. And it's funny. It's like, to me, that's, that's still feels like you broke the tension in a concise way. And now we're all in it together too. Yeah. I saw Shane Gillett, you know, he got canceled SNL, whatever. And I saw him his first set back. Hmm.

And it's weird. It's like seeing a celebrity because you're like, oh, that guy's the biggest thing in the news right now. And he's right there. And then he went on and he thinks the whole world hates him. He's the biggest racist of all time, Klan member. And he goes on and the audience is like... And he goes...

sorry applause break i mean people are falling over and you realize oh a lot of this shit isn't real and you know we actually kind of like you more now yeah now he's doing great yeah it could have been the best thing that ever happened to him too sometimes you don't even know about like what's the path yeah i think shane was inevitable i think it would have happened regardless i think if he was on snl would have happened i think it you know it happened this way that's fair because i think his talent is undeniable but i i

Yeah, you never know. Sometimes that type of thing forces you to show us who you are. He could have gotten bitter. He could have gotten mean and angry. And instead he just was like, I'm going to be funny and I'm going to really just go around this. And that was, I think, was the way to go. Right. I mean, it's like when Louis just went on, he went...

You guys want to talk about it? And that gets a laugh. Well, he's got a great line in his new one about how, like, I know everyone here, there's one person you didn't tell you were coming tonight. I love the self-awareness, too. It's so good. And the specificity. Like, I know exactly where I am. I'm doing fine. You're all here. I just sold out Madison Square Garden. But I used to sell out Five Nights of Madison Square Garden. So, like, I know that there's a change. Right, of course, of course. Damn, Five Nights. Crazy. I think he hit the record back then.

I think it was 12 sold out shows. Damn. Insane. Crazy. It's supposed to be 12, but I think it was a snowstorm. One got snowed in. But I remember talking about that on Letterman, which is crazy. Also, how valuable is it that he was doing all, like on a business standpoint, that he was like getting all those emails, selling all that stuff. Of course, of course. Building up his business infrastructure and like figuring out the tech and like.

Who needs the industry less than Louis? I know, I know. And he built that for 10 years before any of this. Yeah, he's pretty innovative. Yeah. But, you know, you're on YouTube. Ha ha ha ha!

Who isn't? We all are. I know. That wasn't a zing. YouTube, I mean, it changed. But you never know. What's the next thing? Maybe in a little while, YouTube starts pulling the goalposts in. It could happen. I mean, I think it all, we have to be ready for the next thing always because. Yeah. I always feel like there's a voice in the back of my head that's like, I kind of feel like I'm working for Mark Zuckerberg.

Yeah. Like the amount of time. I know it's for me. I know it's a way to connect. But like the amount of time, like I've had jobs before in my life. And the amount, I'm like, oh shit, I didn't post it. Yeah. Who do I work for right now? Well, it's for you, but I hear what you're saying. And then when you get these posts that something you put up there is harmful for the community guidelines, it does feel like HR is talking to you like, hey, could you not take it?

a joke about little people and you're like it's to make people laugh what really bothers me is when i do a jew joke and they pull it and i'm like this is against anti-semitism right right there's no nuance there's no human being able to decipher sarcasm or like intention yeah it's literally an algorithm yeah we're all and we like but it feels like they're the greek gods now of like okay i don't just

Give me a Thunderbolt, please, Zeus. Don't turn me into stone or whatever. I see comments getting mad at me because the guy who captured my thing blurred the name Hitler. I mean, you still hear me say Hitler, but he blurred it for the captions just because of these dumb robots that might think I'm doing hate speech. Right, right.

And these people are like, oh, fuck you, you pussy. I'm like, I'm using this to plug dates. I'm not trying to like, you know. I know. I'm trying to get eyeballs on it to plug gigs. Well, this whole idea that intention doesn't matter is like the great, especially like as comedians. It's good for entertainment. When they quote something, I'm like, okay, did he say it on a comedy stage to get laughs? Or did he say it at a Klan rally in front of a burning flame? Because I'm going to judge it two different ways. Of course, of course. But like when you're talking about like robots and like there's no nuance, there's no like.

Like, humanity, too. I know. It's all got to scale. And it's sad when they take you off. Like, when they take a video away or they shadow ban, whatever the fuck it is, you're like...

I didn't realize how much I needed this. It scares the shit out of you. Like, oh, wow, I post regularly. I better behave next time. I better behave. It's an adult timeout. It is. It is. But you're like, I got to get back on this. How long am I going to shadow ban? What's the timeout? It's also like podcasts, too. It's like if you're talking for hours upon hours every week. Of course. Eventually, you're like, come on. And I don't think people really give a shit, but they're like, I can use this. Yeah.

I don't think people really like shit. It's content. The way we're trying to create content, their outrage is content. Exactly. And it gets clicks. Look what he said. We live in an attention economy where everyone's trying to frack your brainstem all the time for every last drop of attention they can get out of it. And whether it's through hatred or laughter or whatever, whatever works, just give it to me. Attention is the new oil. Yeah. At the end of the day, it's not sustainable. You think? Yeah.

why is everyone so sad and lonely and depressed and going crazy all the time? What a coincidence. It all happened while we were on screen for like 18 hours every day. It's a self-fulfilling cycle. Cause we go, I'm sad because of my phone. Let me look at my phone to forget about how sad I am about my phone. Well, the phone is like a Prozac or something that just compress it. You don't like the, the,

lows are better but the highs are lower yeah everything's just sort of like this this because you don't have to feel an awkward moment anymore exactly every time you refresh it it should just say you're still sad every time you refresh twitter still sad with a question mark yeah let me take the pain yeah that's what's happening all the time it really is uh

It's great for awkward moments. It's bad for pretty much everything else. I guess for convenience it's not yet directions. Delivery, Uber, email. These guys with the flip phones, I'm like, how do you get around? I know. But it's bad for just relating to other humans. Way worse. I don't understand how a kid – I mean, I had a hard time paying attention to what my grandparents would say before smartphones. Yeah. Can you imagine the attention span of a kid? Some old person doesn't know how to edit their stories anymore. That's part of being a human. Yeah, yeah.

I know. But you think they're going to be able to make it without being like, I've got to touch my phone. And then your grandfather goes, hey, listen up, sonny. And you chalk it up to, oh, he doesn't get it. He's old. He's out of touch. And you're like, yeah, but he's also a human being, and you're a human being, and you're not even connecting. And he's going to die in 10 minutes.

Well, with the language stuff too, like people get so mad at old people for, all right, you done? It was a breather. Watch out. Thank you. Sorry. Mark's growing. And by that, I mean, he now pushes his farts in my direction as opposed to the guests. Yeah. I saw the, the, the Bargatze face. It was like just perfect. Whoever decided to post that was great. That was great. Well done. Human interaction, no phone. But, but,

I was going to say, like, old people, then we get so mad at them for not keeping up with the language and saying the right thing. Oh, you're so filled with hate. Okay, boo. I'm like, this guy just can't keep up. I know. Like, words have become fashion. Like, okay, you go to the runway in Paris and know everything that's couture and modern. Of course.

This guy is just buying underwear at Kohl's and doesn't know anything. Right. And doesn't know whether queer is a good word or a bad word to say now because you fucking changed it up on him like five years ago. I know. So like these old people are just trying to keep up. And where's your compassion for him being old?

Or her being old, you know? Like, they can't keep up with every cool word on TikTok, and you're trashing them. That's not compassion. All these cancel culture people want way more forgiveness and compassion for inmates than people who've been incarcerated. And, like, look at the mass incarceration. But then it's like, yeah, but this guy said the wrong thing. It's like, oh, he's got to go away forever. I don't get it. Like, I thought we want compassion. Like,

I agree. You got to be the change you want to see in the world. It's like, just be consistent is all I want. It's trendy compassion. Like, hey, the climate change, hey, COVID, hey, this, hey, that, the environment. Well, it's a crazy...

mushroom cloud of chemicals in Ohio. What are you going to do? A bunch of guys on a train, who gives a shit? It is literally which one's going to get me the most likes. Yeah, I think so. That is what a lot of this woke activism is. It's a performance. It's a performance. Some of it, good intentions a lot of it. Like, oh, Ukrainians are dying? All right. But you were also taught that you're supposed to like that one and not this one, and...

But then you're like, people are dying in Rwanda. And you're like, I didn't see a hashtag for that, though. Yeah. You know, the slavery in China. Well, I don't want to fuck with China. So he's like, you don't really care. Well, all the LGBTQ people who are like free Palestine. I'm like, what do you think happens if you go to Palestine? Yeah.

What do you think happens if you walk down the streets of Ramallah and be like, I'm a drag at this. I'm trans. Like, good luck. You're going to be stoned immediately. Like, Tel Aviv has the biggest gay pride. And that's a good way of looking at your special. Yeah, on YouTube. Substance. Matt Ruby, substance. There you go. LGBTQ friendly. There's all these, hey, women are less CEOs who are women. She got her click cut off in Africa. Well, I don't want to fuck with that. All right. So should we fuck with that first before the CEOs?

Big to small. It's a lack of consistency if you ask me. Thank you. No, it is interesting too. And, you know, words like fashion –

They come back. They go in and out, but they come back. So it is hard to keep track of what you should be saying. There's phrases, if you stop paying attention for like a year, you're like, Latinx, what the hell? That came and went. Then you find out, wait, Latin people don't even like it? They don't like it? Exactly. What are we doing here? Again, this is like the height of white privilege to be like,

Latin people. I know how you want to be referred to. Yeah. That's why I'm naming my bowling team the Redskins. All right. Because it's coming back. No, I'm doing a bit about the word queer. Because when I grew up, we were taught for decades to never say the word queer. It's hurtful. It's hateful. And then a couple years ago, it switched. Now people are like, are you a queer ally? I'm like, I don't know. This feels like a trick question. Yeah.

It's like if someone came up to me and was like, do you think we should protect the retards? I'm like, I guess. I don't think that's how you're supposed to say it, but maybe I'm the one who's behind the times. I don't know. The tards don't need help. I'm a tard ally. I don't want to be left out, you know. I'm tardy. It's weird that's still around. Tardy. Yeah. Yeah.

You can sniff around the word. Yeah. You can't use the word. That's true. Well, there's n-word-y-ly. You know that word? Oh, yeah. I don't think anyone can actually say it anymore. No, that was in books. And that means, yeah, it means stingy, right? Well, that's plain retarded. Yeah, I think it was like no relation to the actual n-word book.

No, but there was an anchor who got fired for saying it on air. That's right. There was also an anchor who got fired for saying chink in the armor. That was ESPN. ESPN. That was the Jeremy Lin thing. Now, do you think that was intentional? Definitely not. He would have to be the dumbest human being ever for that to be intentional. True. True. Or a real ballsy risk taker.

Like, let me see. I don't think racists play with, I think they're just, I think they're quieter. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you're right. Is that Burr's got the joke about like looking both ways? That's what real racists do? Real racists, quiet. He's got the great one about, Burr's got the great joke where you say, you know, black people have the great idea of putting motherfucker after it.

You say this fucking white guy. Look at this. This white motherfucker. Oh, that's so good. That's such a small thought to make into something so funny. He's like such a master at going to those kind of places but keeping you on his side. Yeah. It's amazing.

He had that joke where he's like, I'm on a date with a girl or I was out with a friend of mine. And she was like, can I say something racist? And he was like, this is going to be awesome, which is such a funny way to go with it because this will be interesting. Right, right. You know, he's not saying he likes racism. He's saying this will be entertaining. Can I tell you something I'm not supposed to say? Yeah, there you go. That's the thing we most want to hear. And that's why comedy is so popular right now. Well, that's why, like all this cancel culture stuff, it is kind of great for us because we work in the one room where people can go for the antidote.

Yeah. I mean, you got that great joke about like the speakeasy of. Oh yeah. Midget. Yeah. Side note. I love a speakeasy. Ah, there's something great about a speakeasy. Especially New Yorkers. Yeah. Cause there's no sign out front. You keep bridge and tunnel away. Yeah.

That's true. That's the whole purpose of it here. I love a weird little old timey. Any bar that feels out of place in time, like there's something fun about it. It's like Mark's joke, you stepped into a different dimension. And you feel like they actually care about booze. Yes, right. It's like a portal in Rick and Morty. You feel like you just walked into a weird green portal. Yeah. And they hand you like a gimlet and you're like, what the fuck?

I know. It's like... Because on the road, we go... I love to drink. I love to go out after the show, but every bar is some Irish sports bar where everybody's in college and hammered. And they've got the TVs on all the time. I love watching the game. With the lumberjack. Yeah. But it's not even a game. It's just like 1 a.m. and we've got lumberjack competition. And it's a lot of dudes like...

macho bullshit I hate the dude bumping you at the bar I'm too old to be bumped dude no more bumping I saw your show you're like get me to a dive bar but the problem is dive bars are going away there's so few now there's some good dive bars they're out there but I love them true or false a quote unquote real man should never look at a drink menu oh I love that I like that like you should just know what you drink what do you got to see what this particular bartender knows how to make

I'm just curious. I think it's curiosity. I usually don't even order off it, but I'm just curious. Yeah, why? What do you guys do that's so different? I think one reason I'm curious is that, do you have a paper plane on the menu? Because Mark and I are obsessed with these paper planes. They usually don't. They usually don't, but sometimes they do, and I'm like, hmm? You know it? I've had it before. Atta Boy, you ever been there? Cool Speakeasy in New York. I think they made me that there one time. Oh, yeah. It's in the Soho. Great name. Good spot.

But also you got to walk up and put your name in and then like we'll text you in an hour and a half maybe. That's not bad. I understand this impresses some people, but like I'm impressed by just like efficiency. Yeah, yeah. By not having to go somewhere and come back. Right, right. But people are impressed by that. What's your go-to? You're at a bar. What are your like top three drink orders? Bullet rye and soda usually is my like – because I know everybody's got bullet rye. Yeah.

And yeah, like old, like usually bourbon of some sort. So old fashioned or something like that. But I'll change it up. Lately I've been doing Hendrix and soda. I don't like to be pigeonholed, you know, I do something for like a year or two. I'm like, it's time to mix it up. It's fun to have a whiskey night. That's why I have a tequila night. That's what I've been into. Love mezcal with a hangover. Ain't pretty.

See, I feel like it feels more like medicine than other booze, if you have the good cut. Interesting. I had a mezcal Negroni, and I liked it. That sounds nice. Yeah, that was good. Pretty damn good. That's smoky. Yeah.

But yeah, a dive bar, it's usually quieter, it's usually emptier, and it's usually darker. Depends on your goals, though. Are you going there with friends that you just want to have a conversation about? Like you go to some more swinging place, you might meet people. It depends what you're looking for. I guess I'm never looking to meet. There you go. Depends. I've had some looking to meet nights. I want to have that moment. And I did the other night with a friend, and it was fun as hell. Nice. What was the moment?

Oh, just, you know, we're just hanging at a bar and it was, you know, just you chat with some people. It was fun. It was good. But the problem is, is you go out in New York now. I don't know when this started, but the standard cocktail is $17. Right. And I like to have 18 cocktails, you know? So I'm like, how did my bill get to be $361 on an out-and-out drinking? It's insane. It's insane. It's just this, this, and ice.

$17. You're paying for the real estate. Ah, fuck the real estate. Give me a fat lady with a C-section scar and an eye patch and a couple of parts of her hair missing. This is where the edibles come in. Is this still in Manhattan? It's still going to cost a lot of money. That's true. Just because she's gross looking doesn't mean... We can go out to Queens. Let's go to Echo Park or Flushing or something. Well, it depends on the bar, too. In some places, you'll see Happy Hour. You're like, all right, but...

Happy hours are hard for us to hit unless we just take the night off. That's true. That's true. But I love a happy hour. I do too. You feel like you're beating the system. Well, people are still optimistic. Tonight could go anywhere. I'm at the bar at like 3 a.m. I'm like, this is not a good vibe here now. That's true. Cheap beer and oysters. That's kind of fun. Oh, the best. The best. Get fucked up. I bet that was about in the old days when they did the oysters on the crackers. Oh, yeah. I don't get oysters. Oh.

Mermaid Lounge has a great happy hour on Bleeker and McDougal. And it's killer. But I think it's like $3 beers and quarter oysters. So I've done that a few times. It's like mucus that's been in the ocean. I don't get it. It's got some meatiness. I love the salty. You chew it or you just swallow? I swallow. Love the brine. Maybe a little chew in there. Maybe a little chew. But I just like seeing something on a shell, the ice.

It's very real. The presentation is nice. Yeah. It does feel primal. It feels decadent. If you told me it was trash, I probably wouldn't like it enough. Yeah, how about caviar? I don't get caviar. That I don't get. I mean, I like the fish eggs, but yeah, it's not something I would seek out, but I've had it before. I've been like, it's pretty good. But you ever been to a crawfish boil? I know I'm biased. I went with you. I went with you.

But they pour it out. It's steaming. That's a communal thing. It's communal. You got your beer. You're telling stories. You're standing. You're cracking. Ripping apart animals with other human beings. It's like, we're the master race. Here we go. Yeah. You got Nazis. Someone's going to clip that. Someone's going to clip that. We're the master race. It's a gift. Just me and Marco. Citizen species. But all right.

Master species. Yes. They're not going to get the crustaceans all over us. The mollusks don't stand a chance. Matt looks like the hipster Nazi. He's just like, I do the intel. I do the PR for the Nazis. Oh, that's the guy who found advice and the Proud Boys. Cool. All right. Nice. Nice.

All right, well, folks, check out Substance, Matt Ruby's Substance on YouTube. Give it a go. You'll find it. It's cool. It's fun. It's different. It's funny. The jokes are still good. Thank you. And you got the goddamn drugs in there. There you go. So I don't think anyone's ever done one of these.

No, that's the first I ever heard of it. So, I mean, like, yeah, like the con I'll tell you, the jokes are the thing that I care about the most. What I didn't realize was how much it was going to be a window into each one of these drugs. I'm kind of like four different comedians. And so you can also learn something about each one of those substances just via me as a vessel trying to perform on each one. That's great. Yeah. All right. Well, check. You're not going to see anything like it, folks. So check it out.

Yeah, it's on YouTube right now. Give it a watch. Are you going to be anywhere coming up on the road, Matt? Arlington, Virginia next week. I've got a podcast called Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby. You can check that out. We've got our Good Egg show every Wednesday at New York Comedy Club, every Tuesday night, hot soup at Comedy Cellar.

I think that's fun. Oh, I got a newsletter. MattRuby.com. Oh, great. Great newsletter. Yeah. So we got New Haven, Boston. We keep adding in Boston, so please come out, Wilbur, baby. Let's go. Miami, Orlando, Ponte Vedra, which I hear is like Naples 2.0. I'm a little nervous, but we added there, too. Atlanta, Charleston, D.C., Durham, Charlottesville, Norfolk, Chicago.

fuck all over Wilkes-Barre, Portchester. And we just added San Diego, LA, Sacramento, SF. And there's more coming. There's more. Goldstein theater. That sounds like the most Jewish place. And the next night I met the Elliot ghoul. No, a lot of good stuff coming up. So we hope, hope I see you there and, and more West coast dates as well. More other dates. Everything's coming. Everything's going to be. Love it. Get some bodega cat. Uh,

Get some shirts. We got sweaters out there. And I'll be all over the road. MarkNormanComedy.com. Got new merch. Queef. I got posters up. Come out to Chicago. I think we might have sold it out. But if we haven't, get those tickets quick. We added a Friday. And then I'm announcing a theater tour after that for the summer. I think I'm going to Australia. I'm going to UK. Really doing it up. So I'm coming to your town. I swear to God. Oxnard and L.A. and Toledo and Rochester.

So, Dayton, come on by, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Do some ayahuasca. Watch the special. Thanks for having me, guys. I appreciate it. Thanks for coming, dude. Good to see you.