Ep 118: We Might Be Garbage (Kevin Ryan & H. Foley of Are You Garbage?)
01:41:27 Share

Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by sheath, the official underwear of comedy. I bet I'm wearing them right now. Oh, yeah. What's a better promo than that? I'm not, but I usually am. He's wearing panties. U.S. Army soldier Robert Patton knew there to be a better way to keep your dicks from sticking to your leg, and sheath was born. Every pair of sheath is a soft, flexible, cradle-like pouch that separates the boys from the inner thigh, eliminating sticky situations. I love them. They look great. They feel great. You got to be a good guy.

You've got to give the balls and the dick a little space. It's like Israel and Palestine down there. Sheath comes in a lot of patterns, and they're ready for any occasion. They didn't leave out the ladies either. We've got boy shorts, sports bras, and bikini briefs. Go to sheathunderwear.com. Use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Every order comes with Sheath's 100% money-back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code DRUNK. Get Sheath Underwear and let them support your balls.

Hey, folks, we're here. We might be garbage. It's going to be bad. Yeah. We are garbage. Yeah. Yeah, we all are. We're drinking in the day. This is a St. Paddy's Day extravaganza with the RU Garbage guys. I love it, man. This is exciting. Oh, yeah. You guys must be some Mick. Yeah. 100%. Oh, of course. Hell yeah. Irish Catholic trash, man. Wow.

Although my mom did do a 23 and me a couple of years ago. No black. Muslim. What was the weirdest thing you got in there? She did it. There might be a connection with some people that we didn't know we were related to. Cherokee? I'll leave that. I'll leave that. No, not even that. Just... Dirty wops? Might have been some hanky-panky going on. Oh!

Yeah. Oh, baby doll. It's like a trashy soap opera down there. All right. My dad's my mom. My mom's my dad. I don't know who my brother is. I'll tell you that. It's Chinatown, baby. All right. I did the 23andMe, and the coolest part is you get weird shit. Like, it'll tell you what your taste buds are like.

And I'm like, yeah, it's like you prefer savory to sweet. And I'm like, that's fucking true. I don't think that's a good thing. When everybody was doing it for Christmas, I was like, listen, let sleeping dogs lie. You don't want to know what's what. Don't go digging. Yeah, you are who you are. That's it. I know. One time I heard that the algorithm can tell if you're gay before you know. Oh, boy. And I was like, I'm screwed. This is terrifying. On the internet? Yeah. Yeah.

What? Just by what you look at, how long you hold, how long you stare at Mateo or whatever. Yes. If that's the case. That explains the videos I've been getting. There is such a thing as an admiration stare. Doesn't mean you're gay. Of course. I got him. This is your intervention. Who can't appreciate a dick in the ass? You know what I mean? Yeah. I like it. That's what the prostate is. I mean, I had that done. You guys too young for that? Come again? Yeah. Get it?

Almost did. Good-looking doc, too. Really? Who was it? Hang out in there for a little while. Make yourself comfortable. What's the procedure like? Just two in there. Yeah.

I think it was two. Two doctors. One was filming. What are you going to do? So wait, you got the milking? I got it. Did it feel great? Because they always say it's the best thing ever. I mean, I must be pretty loose. You didn't get milked. You just got tested. No, I didn't get milked. That's what I'm asking. No, you had to.

No, they just go and see if it's swollen or anything. I thought that was like a rubbing tongue. I don't think that's what doctors do. No, well, his name could be Doc. I figured I was at the barber. Why not? No, I get my prostate checked because I was 46. You're 46? What? I just turned 47. Last week. Whoa! Yeah, on Friday. That is good. That don't crack. Holy shit. It does die early.

But I'm going to look good, Kimmy. That's right. Your skin looks good. You got no wrinkles. Are you still smoking? No, I just quit three weeks ago. That's so crazy you asked that. Yeah? Yeah, we went to... I saw you with like a Marlboro Red. I was like, that's not good. It's not a good look. Don't do it. It's not a good... I saw another fat guy smoking.

And I was like, man, is that what I look like? It's not. He has a body dysmorphia where most people think they're fat. He thinks he's like 215. We'll be driving down the street and we'll see a guy who's significantly less fat. I'm not as fat as that guy, am I? I'm like, you could eat that guy for lunch. You're like, that chair was already broken. Yeah, I quit three weeks ago. I'm on the Zins. So you're over the hump.

Because you're not craving it like a son of a bitch. I am, but I just take the little nicotine pouches. Those are big now. People love those. Yeah, they're all right. That and pickleball. Pickleball's big. Oh, yeah. That's a very couple-y thing to do, too. Very couple-y, and I was like, ah, this sounds like a nightmare, and we had the best time. Who won? Well...

Me and my lady beat them, and then we rotated. Joe and Sarah. And then I was with Sarah, and then they beat us. A couple of swingers. I like it. Yeah. A little key party over at the courts. Oh, yeah. Wife swap. Who do you play? We went to Long Island City, and it ain't cheap, by the way.

I can't believe they got you out to Long Island City. It wasn't easy. And it's snowy and gay and, you know, I'm hungover. So it was tough. But we got there. And I'm glad I did. I sweat it all out. Now, Joe and Sarah, they're your close friends. Has there been situations where you've done a couple things where you didn't know the boyfriend or didn't know the girlfriend or it was like one of those things? Nah, I refuse to do that. Dude, I refuse. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.

I've almost gotten drugged to a couple of office parties. Like, oh, they want to meet you. Get the fuck out of here. Oh. No. Those two shouldn't mix, office and party. That's a nightmare. I don't want to do a meet and greet with my fans. Yeah. Yeah, right. We do. We love the fans. Shout out. No, I do. But I also, like, an office party, it's like, that's where I'm like, fuck, that sounds rough. I mean, I love- That's straight to the bar. I love my girl's family, all that kind of stuff. I just- Can you do it sober? Yeah.

Yeah, I do their family sober. Yeah, we were just there. She's from Hawaii. We were just in Hawaii with them for nine days. Well, Hawaii. Anybody can like anybody in Hawaii. Put them on the streets of Detroit. Yeah, yeah. But my lady, I'm lucky. Her family, they just 11 a.m.,

Really? Well, it's bean town, you know? That's all my family knows. And my wife comes over and she's like, do you guys just always just drink at every function? I go, yeah, that's all. What's the drink of choice? At our house, it's just usually beer. Women drink wine, dudes drink beer. Or we'll do like Manhattans, but that'll be like, let's do Manhattans tonight. Classy. I'll get the stuff. Manhattans are probably my favorite cocktail. Loudmouth soup, baby. I got turned on...

Maybe like five years ago or four years ago to the martini. The vodka dirty martini. That's my number one. I knock them back. Love it. It's like drinking olive juice. Exactly. It fucks you up. Then you have nine of them. You don't even know it. Yeah, you feel good. Nothing hotter than a woman drinking a martini. That is the hottest. Sex. All right, you got me there. I was going for cocktails. I see.

Maybe when she's kissing another girl. That's the hottest. What are we drinking here, Patty? So I got the garbage cocktail first. It's what's called the Dew Garita. I know these guys are fans of Red Lobster. Who ain't, you know what I mean? Cheddar Bay Biscuits also. Oh, shit. Oh, really? Thanks, buddy.

I'm okay. He's on two packs a day of cheddar biscuits, though. I don't want to be rude. I'll do one. Yeah, I'm sorry. Thank you. Oh, that a baby. This is great. You're making a good-looking kid, too, huh? Where'd you find this dish? That hair. We got to do a poll. You guys are talking about salad cues, right? Yes.

We've got to do a poll for the folks at home on Twitter. Who's hotter, Beer Jew or Patty the Batty? Man, these are fantastic. Did you make these? Are these from there? We got the bags. I got Red Lobster. You got these just for us? Yeah, dude. Thank you, fellas. We should go to Red Lobster after that. Yeah. He's your top shelf. Oh, yeah. So, wait. This is a Mountain Dew? Margarita. Mountain Dew Margarita. Margarita.

I love it. Mountain Dew is a pretty good soda. They came out with their... It's a pretty damn good soda. I don't drink it anymore, but holy shit. Toad Red's no joke. That's one of the best. It's great. That's when you've really reached white trash. You know it's white trash because the white rock star can. Oh, my God. The monster. That's it. Anything white like that is trash. My check is cleared with my Monster Energy partnership, so yes, I agree. Yeah.

It's just piss. They got monster money? They were on my tour. Yeah, they do that, right? It was a lot of like, they were like, can you drink it in front of us? And I was just like, I'll do this. Yeah. I'm a coffee drinker. Drink it in front of them. They want you to do it in the meeting? Like hammer shit, yeah. Prove you're not a cop. Listen here, pussy. This guy's wearing a wire. Talked to me five days later. I'm like, fuck. I went in too deep.

They just came out with their seltzer or whatever, right? Really? I haven't had it yet. Everybody's doing that. Pull it up. And I thought one of them wasn't... What's his name supposed to be? The spokesman of that? Who? Wasn't Bert? That feels about right. I thought so. I remember him talking about it. That makes sense. Damn. Because he had it early. We were on his bus and he had it. This should go straight to Charlie Sheen for that shit. Dude, that looks aggressive. Holy shit. Yeah.

Dude, how about him losing? Oh, really? Yeah, he lost. Was he close? No, he got beat up pretty good. It wasn't close. Isn't that guy on Love Island or something, too? No, he was on Big Brother, I think. Or whatever they're... He's a boxer, though, right? Yeah, he was a boxer. They both kicked my ass, I know that. Yeah, his brother's Tyson Fury. Oh.

Yeah, yeah. Which is why he wanted to do it. Which is why Jake Paul wanted to do it. To be like Tyson Fury, the big Irish, the big British guy? World champion. No shit. Yeah. The Gypsy King. Gypsy King. That's it. He's like the Charlie Murphy. Yeah. Yeah, but still, the Charlie Murphy was still funny. Charlie Murphy was all right. Yeah, it was all right. Still funny. Oh, shit. Yeah. I think I beat up pretty good. The color of that drink is already insane. What's on the rim? That's to eat. Oh, they're going to say Doritos. Doritos.

Now you're thinking. That looks like college girl vomit right there. That's what that looks like. Oh, this is Flint water. Holy shit.

Damn. No, it's dried chili flakes, lime and salt. Ooh. Do you guys just get tuned up during the show? Usually. I would assume, like, after, you know, especially if you're piggybacking episodes. Yeah. You've got to pick it up for the shows later. You've got to just. Yeah. Yeah, when we came in, I felt like I got to a party late, and you guys were already kind of getting after it. Uh-huh. You've got to adjust yourself a little bit. We did the clean comic first. You know, get the comic away. Yeah.

No, but this, yeah, this definitely takes a toll on some late night. I've definitely showed up to the cellar where they're like, are you drunk? I remember I saw you a couple weeks ago there and you're like, I've been drinking scotch all day. Let's do the podcast. Get out of here. It feels like my Eat True Hollywood story. Yeah.

It's not bad because you're drinking, but you're working. We're working. Yeah, what do you mean? This is a job. Sure. Also, it's not like you guys came up with the show. It's not like you're clocking into an office and your mom's like, I need you to drink three Mountain Dew margaritas. It's better than that. Better than we might be doing push-ups or something. I think you're doing all right. Although, think about how much better we'd look. I know. We might be doing push-ups. That's Mateo's pod.

We might be doing crunches. Yeah. We in Matayuan, we almost drank muscle milk margaritas. Oh, yeah. That would have been fun. Would have been fun. We did a live stream and we found a drink over at Brooklyn Comedy Club that had Yoohoo in it. No, Kaleidoscope.

Caloo you know what the fuck was it clue you who or something like that? Vodka Kahlua and you who and it was it was fantastic. Can't go wrong with you. It was so good. Period blood. It was so good. And we do. That's a code red you who. Thank you.

Do I have the coupe glass? Absolutely. I love a coupe. Look at that. I love a coupe. Thank you. I've got to say, I prefer a martini glass. Really? Especially, no, a big martini glass where it's not shaken out. Yeah, 100%. This is nice. But it's very trashy that you guys didn't have enough glasses for everybody. Yeah, that is right. Cheers, fellas. Cheers, buddy. Thank you, fellas. To the Irish.

One of my favorite jokes about St. Patrick's Day. That's all right. That's goddamn delicious. That is phenomenal. Holy shit. Have you heard John Stewart's bit about the St. Patrick's Day parade, how they wouldn't let gays march in the parade? And he goes, because we won't want anything to mess with the dignity of that parade. When you're pissing behind a dumpster, you don't want some homo checking you out.

That's a great joke. Perfect piece of homo, by the way. Jon Stewart, man. His old stand-up, fucking good. I never really got into it. I missed him. His stand-up was solid. He had the great bit. I mean, his probably signature bit about Jews. He's like, Jews complain, but black people had the genius to make it into the blues. You know? And he has the whole thing about it. That's a great premise. Yeah, that's funny. You guys do St. Paddy's Day?

I do it all. I mean, I do Cinco de Mayo. I'm not Mexican. I do St. Paddy's Day. I'm not Irish. I do Hanukkah. I'm not a Jew. You get after and get into it. Yeah. It was always a solemn day at our house. It was very Catholic. Really? Yeah. But we went to church. And then we'd have corned beef and cabbage and the soda bread. That was my favorite. Wow. Ours was like blackout. Go to like Finnegan's Wake down in Fishtown or whatever and just get fucking black. Go there for like kegs and eggs or whatever.

Kegs and eggs. Yeah, just really get after it. Damn, what's that? Kegs and eggs. Beer and breakfast for the most part. Oh, damn. Getting after it early. It would be like a breakfast buffet. You're at like a fucking courtyard, Marriott. You know what I mean? Starting the day with beer is something I can't really... I need to start with like a Bloody Mary if I'm drinking early. 100%. I can move on to beer after, but I need the breakfast-y vibe. If you're flying on vacation, what's your move at the lounge or at the hotel bar? I never take vacations, but...

If I were to take one, probably like a whiskey drink. I would probably do like a Manhattan or like an old-fashioned stuff. I love it. I was just in Puerto Rico. Beer's in the morning every single day. Really? 10 o'clock. Crack a Corona or whatever. I guess Corona is a little lighter. It's a little lighter. It is light. Not as much bubbles, you know? True. I do. It's cliche, but I'm hungover at the airport lounge. I get the BM.

I get the Bloody Mary. Yeah. Dude, we went to Florida, what, two weeks or three weeks ago? Yeah. He drank 15 Bloody Marys in the airport. You did? Until the time we got, until we landed, he had drank 15 Bloody Marys. That's the most tomatoes you've ever had.

I don't know if it's tomato juice or what, but I wasn't that fucked up. That's how I get you. Yeah, you were, dude. You were really drunk. Yeah. And he's like, you're not drinking? I'm like, I'm the one who's got to go get a rental car after this. I can't waddle up to Avis and be like, oh. Literally, I do the same thing. I told my toy manager, I wasn't really that drunk. And Atlantic City goes, you picked a fight with a stranger at the card table. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Hey, that was my eight. I think I did 20 on the way there, on the way to Hawaii. It's crazy. Wait, 20. Bloody Marys. On the plane? You don't have the nine hour flight. To switch it up, all that tomato juice would make me feel weird. That's a lot of sodium. I don't know. I like it.

I like them too. I put my movies on and start watching it. That's what you're worried about? Yeah. He had 20 cocktails. That's a lot of sodium. Who are you, my aunt? He also had 19 sandwiches. That's way too much cayenne pepper. Are you kidding me? Those little onions. You can have 15 drinks on a flight. That's pretty fucking impressive. Nine hours. Nine hours. Well, the 15 was you had maybe six at the bar at the airport. Oh.

Okay. You did about nine on the flight to Orlando. That's like two hours and four minutes. That's a flight you need to get drunk on because of those shitty little kids. So much screaming on an Orlando flight. Mickey Mouse ears. Yeah, we didn't have it too bad. And we did Disney. We did it right, man. But that boarding process, it's either the elderly or kids. It's a slow board. Yeah. You hit Disney? Yeah, we did it for a Patreon goal.

Because he had never been, so one of the Patreon goals was like, I'll take you to Disney. Never been to Disney, so he took home. You go as a kid, I'm sure you went. I went once, yeah. What about you? No, no. Actually, no, we didn't. We didn't, actually. We went to Universal Studios. All right. That's the trashy version. Is it really? Yeah. What? Of course. I don't know. You're that close to Disney and you don't go? Yeah. It's like this. Do you poop on planes? I can't fit. What?

So, yeah, he's very open. He could have just said no and stopped there. It's a whole process these days. He's a lot on a plane. He's a lot to be around on a plane. No, I didn't say 16 sandwiches. I like he really believed it. It's a comedy show. They don't give you 16 sandwiches on a plane. They cut you off.

Hawaiian Airlines gave me poorly. That's an embarrassing way to get cut. Sir, you've had enough. Doesn't your tummy hurt, sir? It is embarrassing to get cut off with drinks, too, though, on a flight. It hurts. I've never been cut off, but I've seen the person get cut off, and I'm like, that's fucking humiliating.

Had you been to the Amex lounge in JFK? No. Get in there. There's a speakeasy. There's a proper speakeasy. You walk in and you go, let me get... I just did it to Puerto Rico. I was like, Manhattan. It was like 9 a.m. or whatever. You feel like you got to do it. I'm on vacation. It's free. It's beautiful. Amex. Yeah. I have an Amex. You can get in there. Listen, when you go through JFK... What do you mean? You're not doing all that stuff? I got the Delta lounge. I got the United lounge. Dude, Vito's in there. Is that enough?

Yeah, you can get in there. Yeah, that'll get you in. Ooh, Mr. Centurion. Mr. Centurion, that sounds high end. No, that ain't it. Everything's free now. If Vitor gets in there, you're fine. I think it's like, yeah, you should be able to do it. But if not, I think it's like $400 a year. But you get a bunch of stuff. You get like $50 Uber credit. They give you the money back. You're flying up front, right?

Every now and then. What? You're an idiot. I know. Dude, we can't afford it. We're up front. We're irresponsible with money. Yeah, we just spend so much. You do probably have to be up front, right? Not all the time. Well, he ruins the rest of the road trip for sure if he's not.

Wait, no. Theoretically, I can fit in the seat and all that stuff. It's uncomfortable for the person next to me. It's going to be uncomfortable for you, though, too. It's very, yeah. That's why I'm drinking fucking 15 Bloody Marys. It's true. I'm uncomfortable. I'm watching the Kurt Warner story. It's like a tough one.

That's why you're uncomfortable. Now, when we travel for the show, we sit up front just because we do usually same day, get up the next morning and fly out to the same day. I can't go back. So we want to be fresh. I can't. I'll do it just on even on vacation. I just can't. It's too nice. Yeah, but I can't do that much better. And I'm so bad with money that I don't care. I'm like, whatever. Especially the crawl. I just did Spokane and back coach. What? Why? I didn't understand. I did South America or South Africa coach and China.

Are you doing coach to theater gigs? Huh? How much money do you make in Spokane and you're fucking leave? Don't say, but a lot. And you're going to burn it in the air because when you land, you land. You're done. No, I hear that. I did do coach coming back going to Utah, but I usually go to Utah's five hours. Yeah, no, I fucked up. That's a sneaky life. I landed and I was like, I'm fucking dumb. You do it because you don't want to spend the money. You're trying to be frugal about it. Seat to seat.

We are irresponsible. He's a regular-sized guy. You're tall. Yeah. True. You can't play with you, though, man. I'm bigger. That's the other thing. That's true. That's true. You don't want to be too frugal where you can't enjoy your life. Free drinks up there. Yeah, that's nice. And you flew to South Africa and coached a young woman? With a lady. That I guess because those end up taking – those cost like $25,000. That's crazy. And I want to see if she really likes me. Yeah.

Sitting back in the bulkhead. The worst is I got a gig in London and they flew me first class and she's like, I want to go to London and I want to be the good hubby so I bought her ticket but

23D. I respect it. I brought her some snacks. I really did. I went back there and gave her like cupcakes. These are from the cheap guy up front. That is hilarious. Both TSA pre-check and all that stuff? Nah, clear. Okay. I gotta get pre-checked, dude.

This is really, they're so good at interviewing that they switch into their podcast. They're very good at this. You're killing it. I want to see you up front. I leave my wife at TSA PreCheck because she doesn't have it. As you should. I just go, I'm not taking my shoes off. Wow, that's a great way to divorce. She's all right. She tries to beat me, which she never does. I'm like, all right, you have fun with your game. I'll be chilling at the lounge. That TSA PreCheck is all right. Don't try to beat her. But yeah, it's pretty good. It helps.

But clear has gotten me a few saved flights. Like, if I didn't have clear, I would have missed it. Because you jump us, which I don't like. That bothers me. Yeah, jump you. Yeah, they walk in and they go, oh, this guy's clear. And they cut in front of the TSA pre-chat. You got that right, Daddy. Just get it. You got clear? I got it all. Yeah, why not? It's what you mean, goddamn gentleman. Yeah. What are you doing? I'm flying every week. Gentlemen, he's drinking a Mountain Dew margarita. He's making money doing it. I'm still trash. Promoting the

It is hilarious that we are wiped out from this. Like, it's like a painful, like, oh, my God, I had the hardest day. I got drunk with my friends. It wears on you. Holy shit, I'm sorry. Can we get him 14 more of those, please? The rim is unreal. Yeah, it's great. Goddamn. This is fantastic. Yeah, it was delicious. I'm sorry. No, no, no.

Sorry, we got a full bar. I tend to suck them down. Whiskey, I was going to do Irish mules if you want to sip one. Yeah, sure. Whatever. I'll do one of those as well. Oh, I got spots tonight. Slime juice. Jameson this time. I'm not a Moscow mule. Yeah.

We don't call him that anymore, bro. Ooh, Ukraine mule. There we go. Kiev kicker. A little respect. No, I love a good mule, man. Kentucky mule. I don't think I've ever had one. I don't think I've ever had one. What kind of mule are we having? I got offered to be a mule once. With an Irish mule. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Where to where? It wasn't anything. I didn't have to put anything in my cut. It was like Columbia. No. No.

That I would have done. Yeah. Took off with the goods. Remember that show Locked Up Abroad? Oh, I love it. There's always some cocky guy like, I got this. Yeah. Just tape anything to me. I'll be fine. You know what scared me from that was the Joaquin Phoenix, Vince Vaughn movie with Anna H. Yeah, Return to Paradise. Ooh. That was like the modern day- Fuck. Midnight Express. Midnight Cowboy? Yeah. Yeah. Or Midnight Express, yeah. And there was Broke Down Palace, which was similar, which is a true story. Yeah, with Claire Danes. I don't remember that. Uh-oh.

Oh, you can't do that in first class. Although I coach all over him. You asked me if I shit on a plane. I don't, but I fart all the time. Oh, you got to. I see if I can get it. Because first of all, that shit's loud as hell. Yeah. And everyone's zoned out and they have their headphones on. If I if I I'll do a test market.

I'll do a little sneaker and see if it smells. As a guy who sits next to you every flight, we notice. If it doesn't smell, man, I'm full automatic. I'm like a fucking AR-15 up there. The duster? Crop dust? Yeah, no, I wouldn't do that. I'm not throwing it in people's faces. Santino said he does that on the way to the bathroom. Oh, I do that.

And then he'll come out. Well, the airplane farts. I know, right? I think that's the classier thing to do. Because if you just fart next to your neighbor, it's a sneak attack. It's horrible. Yeah, that's a little. Disperse. Over the line smell. Yeah. Wow. I didn't catch that at all. What? Is that what you're saying? Your fart smell? Yeah.

Oh, you caught it? Yeah, absolutely. And it might just be me. Don't get too close. It smells like cheese. The whole thing. His body. I don't mean the fart. That's my deodorant gun, man. You got a Velveeta right here. Like our Kraft mac and cheese. This is my first mule right here. There we go. There we go. Look at that cup, man. It's beautiful. The copper cup makes it. The stuff you got here, this guy's a fucking minch.

The mensch off the bench. Hell yeah. Love it. Filling in for beer, Jew. Whoa. That's just fucking. You want to take a sip of this? I'd love to. I'd like a sip. That's fucking all right. That's whiskey? Yes, Jamo. Thanks. Damn. That's good. Jamison is one of the best whiskeys. I love it. Wait, that's Jamo and Club Soda and ginger beer. That is a phenomenal drink. The ginger beer pops. You guys don't have coronavirus, do you? No.

Oh, that's all right. That's a lie, but you said it with a lot of confidence. I like it. How about the person whenever you're sick, they're like, whiskey helps. Oh, yeah. Sweat it out. I understand maybe like one glass, but the person who's like, drink a few hot toddies. I'm like, dude, that's...

You think alcohol is going to cure my fucking sinus infection? In the 50s, it cured everything. Sorry. When I was doing blowback in the day, that used to take away a fever. If I had a fever, the... Really? Yeah. Because it burned? I don't know. Yeah, it just went away. Like horseradish. It just burns up the nose? Yeah, a little wasabi. Damn. Damn.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, back in the day, Don Draper had a bad day. He would drink. He had a tough project he would drink. He hated his wife. You know, he had a headache. It was all booze. How the fuck did they get anything done? Like, the Peaky Blinders, they would have been staggering around the city. I know. Drinking all that fucking scotch. Well, back in the day, they didn't even drink water because it was all contaminated. So they had to drink booze. Mm-hmm.

Crazy. That's like when someone says, I'm real thirsty, and they answer. Yeah. You're fucking nuts. That's wacky. How do you feel like the hydration thing is a little overrated? Come on. Agreed. I understand drinking water is important, but the people who you see with a jug like this, I'm like, settle down. Yeah. It's a little much. The gallon jug? It's annoying. Look, I'll drink a lot of water if I'm sweating, if I'm running or something, but I'm, you know. Sure.

Just the all-day water? I drink too much coffee. Yeah, I'm on my coffee. If I drink that much water and coffee and booze, I'll never stop pissing. Yeah, I drink 4,000 times a day. Sorry. That's your sneeze? It's a problem. That was the least intimidating sneeze I've ever heard. I don't do it on dates. That's like an alien. Yeah. It's a problem. Moving on. Oh, man. Hot button issues over here. Thank you, brother. Appreciate it.

Man. That was a good segue to pee because I was actually almost peeing there. What? Which one? Mark's sneeze? What? Too much water. Yeah, too much water. The water thing. And look, I understand that water is essential. I'm not saying like don't drink water. I'm just saying the jug people do get on my nerves a little bit. I hate the jug. I hate the jug.

Yeah, they got to bring their own tin thing. They got to bring their own bottle. It's like, where are you going that water isn't readily available? Especially in New York. You get a bottle of water on every corner. Totally. Not to go back to the airport, but those reusable water stations at the airport, I don't know who's using that fucking water. I use theirs. You do? Really? Well, I take a bottle out of the hotel, put it in the old...

and then I refill at the airport. Really? Well, I'm always hungover on flights, so I'm like, I need that water. How's that water? It's fine. It's like a water fountain. Mark, remember we did a gig, Mark and I did a gig opening for Amy Schumer in Orlando years ago, and Rachel was on the show. Yeah. And I remember we got so fucked up, Mark and I. We were just, we're in Amy's hotel room. It's like a massive, massive suite. We're watching the NBA playoffs. Playing that flip-up game with the phone. Remember that? Heads up. Heads up. Yeah.

We were just downing whiskey, downing wine, ripped. And I remember I'm puking in the airport bathroom the next morning. And all I remember, I look up and I just see a little hand over the stall. Ginger ale. Mark hooking up ginger ale. Good buddy. Love that. Shout out to an ice cold ginger ale. An ice cold ginger ale. Mark just having my bag. Yes. They were out of Manischewitz. Yeah.

Got you some Kugel. What is it with Kramer's making? Kugel, yeah. You like Ruggala? Yeah, your skin and bones. I got brisket at Newman's. Well, remember the 20s. You would do, I'll take a Chardonnay, I'll have a beer, I'll have a whiskey, I'll have a vodka soda, I'll have a shot of gin, a shot of Jaeger. You didn't do any of that.

Don't mix. Oh, yeah. It didn't matter. I do that now, though. Oh.

When we go out to dinner, I have a cycle. He switches every, yeah. I'll start off with a couple of martinis, and then I'll have, if we're getting like oysters or something like that to kick things off, I'll do like a Sauvignon Blanc. If we're having a steak, I'll do a red wine, and then he'll probably start getting an IPA at some point, and that'll look good. I'll have one of those, and to finish it off, probably an espresso martini. Damn. This might just be an intervention for you. Yeah, right? What's going on in that gut? I know. My God, it's like Wu-Tang in there. Give me the cheddar biscuit.

That story started cool and ended with, like, are you okay? Yeah. Holy shit. Ooh, the espresso martini at the end. My God, man. That was a real bait and switch with the oysters starter. Yeah. A few drinks later, I'm puking in the fucking bathroom. Yeah, what's your yak rate? Nothing. Yeah. Whoa. He's like a great white. You just, you know, cut him open. There's, like, a license plate, a boot. Yeah, I haven't thrown up a...

If I ate a lot the night before, when I brush my teeth, I have to gag myself for some reason.

When I brush my tongue, I don't feel like my teeth are clean unless I gag a little bit. I know what you mean. Am I the only one that does that? You have a tongue scraper? You're one of those people? No, I just use my toothbrush. But if I don't go back far enough where I have to gag, I feel like I didn't get it clean enough. Wish my ex was like that. I know the feeling because if I don't get my gums hurting, I feel like I didn't really get a good brush. Yeah. But I don't need to gag. It's similar. That'll make me puke a little bit sometimes. But other than that, nothing. Oh.

Yeah. Yuck-a-roo. All right. We're learning a lot here.

Do we do electric toothbrush or regular? Regular. I have an electric. I just don't like it. Same. I go regular. I like Dylan. I don't go electric. I always forget to charge it or whatever, the heads, and then I just forget it. You put it right over your sink. Yeah, no. They get so gross, too. Yes. The fucking bottom of that smells like fucking ass. Yeah. I can't stand it. I'm with you. I like the regular. Yeah. Old school. Old school. Analog. Hey, Amish. And I floss every day.

Damn. I can't imagine what you're pulling out of that jumper. Holy shit. Whole pieces of tuna? Do you do the pick or do you do the string? I do the string. Damn, you're all old school. Yeah, it's like magnet fishing. I pull out old bikes and shit like that.

Some gun that was used in a murder. Is that a boot? Damn. You go pick? I do pick. Pick is the priest. Yeah, like the glides or whatever. The fuzzy one that just fucking sticks. Oh, the fuzz. You get more in. Fuzz is good. What pops out. It's very exciting when you get a little piece in. Yeah, it is. It's like picking your nose. It's like a real honker. They say that's more important than brushing your teeth is flossing. Oh, no. Is that right? Yeah. Remember that Hedberg joke?

They say it's hard to quit smoking. You know what's harder? To start flossing. Sure, I always say, I'm going to floss, and I never do it. Yeah. I got to get back in there. I'm always...

If I'm sober, I do it. But if I'm drunk at all, I'm like, am I going to floss? I know. It's crazy. You're lazy. I'm more likely not to brush my teeth at night. Same. Yeah. When you wake up and you're like, God damn. You got to do it. Something died in there. It tastes like. Yeah. Morning booze breath. You know, you just snoring all night. The dust. Mouths all dry and shit. Oh.

You've got to brush. You ever have someone, it's not everybody, but when garlic hits them a different way and they really smell like garlic. I've worked with a couple of people. It's like, what the fuck? Have you ever brushed your teeth? I know. It must have sucked for someone who's really bad breath because we all know that. I remember we did a roast with a comic book. I don't want to say his name, but every joke was about, it was like, dude, did someone shit in your fucking mouth? Like every joke. And he was just like,

He had no idea. I had no idea. I didn't know. He'd never heard this. See, I would be so mad. I would always want somebody to tell me. Of course. If I have a booger, if I have bad breath, I would want somebody to tell me. Of course. But it was hilarious. It's not like we coordinated this attack. No. We're like, what should we write about a roaster? Oh, yeah. It feels like someone's shit in his mouth. Yeah. Wait, you guys were writing jokes for him? No, no, no. He was on the dais.

And every joke from every other comic was about his halitosis. Holy shit. And he didn't know he had it. So he was like, whoa, it was like an intervention.

Holy shit. I have to know all that. I would have fucking hated all of you. He's killed himself. That was Ralphie May. I bet he started tongue scraping. That's the bad breath. Then you got a tongue scrape. It could be a tooth in the back, too. A dead tooth or something cooking in there? This could be something. Instead of interventions, we should roast and then have everybody say that thing, and then maybe he'll change. You bark too much.

Ah, fuck. Mark, it makes all of us uncomfortable. Not me, not me. It's supposed to be a joke. You've got to do a joke with it. You can't just tell me. That's an intervention. It's just an intervention, which is all sad. Mark, you farted at my mom's funeral. Well, you had beans at the preview.

We now put her to rest. Hold on a minute. Let me just... Do me a favor, though. If I die, open casket, get a fart machine in there. Every time somebody goes, oh, we had a good time, we'll just randomly do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There aren't enough funny funerals. Remembering to take a bunch of different supplements can be a pain. AG1 by Athletic Greens makes it simple. Just scoop, shake, and have alongside your breakfast. That's it. I take this shit all the time. Don't you? I love it.

it every day I do it every day for breakfast good stuff yeah I before I even eat I shake it up I put in my vodka soda packed with over 75 vitamins and minerals for a major boost to your gut mood energy and even skin hair and nails AG one gives you increased energy and mood support making it easy to live your best life it takes under a minute making athletic greens the simplest way to start a new healthy habit

If you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens has given you a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to athleticgreens.com slash drunk. That's athleticgreens.com slash drunk. Hey. Now. There should be more funny funerals. Yeah. Would you want an open casket?

I don't know. No. I don't think so. I would want one. Go ahead. Really? Yeah, why not? What? Me creepy out one last time. Yeah, I was going to say, you don't look that good now. You can't have it. You got a full wig on, Elvis wig, chops on. Maybe a little bit of makeup. I'll pull it together on the bottom of the knife. Yeah, but you got to have a guy dress you down and put chemicals on you. I don't know. That's too much. No, cremated. That's the way. I'm with you. Yeah, 100%. There's a video of a guy that recorded...

Oh, now that's a fun guy. There was that one not too long ago at a club somewhere. This guy died and he's like 20-something or whatever. And they just said, hey, we're having like a memorial for him at this bar, at this club. And they were like, okay. And he was like, oh, yeah.

And they snuck him in, snuck the body in and like propped him up. And like he had like sunglasses. Everybody's taking pictures of him and shit. And they came there. He can't have a dead body in our bar. And they were like, all right, what do you mean? I love that. It was hilarious. I love South America. Remember that shit? Which one? On the wire whenever someone died. The Irish way.

Oh, I love that. I would love that at, like, Paddy's. Yes. Just be there. It's just everybody I know. I'm propped up on a table. My dad telling me he remembers when he was a kid because they were real Irish. When he was a kid, he's like, I remember that. They would have them, like, on ice, like on a pool table. And they would have them there for, like, a couple of days. On ice. And they'd be drinking. Yeah. Because you start fucking. That's awesome. With the coins on top. Next to the oysters you ordered that night. Yeah.

A couple more minutes. They got sushi all over them. On ice. Holy shit. Yeah. Lowered into his casket on his motorcycle. Damn.

Damn. That's pretty cool. Waste of a bike. Talk about scoring all the babes in heaven. Pulling up on that thing. The pearly gates. Reving the engine. Walking around with your wings on. I don't think you need the helmet at the last. Yeah, you can roll the dice. You're fine. But I was going to say, in South America, the kids, they get like embalmed and like mummied. And they put them in positions.

There's one where they keep him in the house and the kid's like sitting cross-legged. He's sitting just like you are now. Pull it up. Wearing like a track suit. I don't know how you would Google that. That's like that bodies exhibit. Remember that? Oh, I didn't want to do it. I didn't do it. Holy shit. That was wacky. You ever been to the Mudder Museum down there in Philly? Yeah, I love it. A little pricey. But... Caught you an arm and a leg, huh? Yeah.

I loved it. I loved it. Well, what's this? Is that a dead guy? He's chilling, dude. What jersey does he have on? Celtics. I thought it was Kevin Garnett for a second. I thought it would be a Kobe jersey. Extreme embalming, they call it. I like it. I like it. That's great. You don't want to whiff on that one. Jesus Christ. I missed it. All right. All right. He whiffed. Yeah, that's crazy.

That would fucking freak me the fuck out. That's wild. That's pretty cool, though. That's fun. They should add a dead Kardashian blowing it. The only one I can think of is the father. Robert? No. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

This fucking drink is good. Yeah, I'm out of do things. It's so good. You might got something here. The problem with these drinks is you have a bunch of them. I don't like to get drunk on sugary drinks. The sugary, it overtakes the buzz of the booze. I'd hang over the next day with the off the sugars tough one. We did a Kool-Aid. What would you do? Kool-Aid vodka tonics with Bert? With Bert? Oh, my God. I heard if you did it with another couple of years. Yeah.

It would be weird if you did them with another comment. Yeah. The lame boozler. Booze. But, yeah. He put them back. But, like, I was – you know when you're hungover, you're like, ugh, I'm hurt. But that was, like, pain. I think we had Judd on the next day. Oh. And we did a sober ep, which we don't normally do. I think we did, like, kombucha. We were just like, we'll do a sober. We had to. We didn't want to keep going. We felt like shit. What do you do if someone doesn't drink?

We would not drink with them. Yeah. Yeah, we'd coffee. I mean, we've also drank when they didn't, but, you know. Yeah, we've had Liston, Attell on. Right, right, right. We had Bill Burr. We did milkshakes. Yeah, there you go. That's fun. Still did Stogie's. Yeah. There you go. But we don't do, yeah, we don't need, I mean, we have Norton coming on. He doesn't drink. That's true. We got a trans woman.

Get somebody you can blow. Let's go. By the way, he was on trans before anybody. Oh, yeah. He's been pro-trans since the 80s. Gets no love for that.

Head of the curve. Yeah, and hookers. Trans center. Trans center. There you go. His new shit is great. It's great. His new shit, Jim Norton's new stuff is really fun. He's one of the funniest. We had him on, and it was like... Oh, really? The first time I met him, yeah, it was the first time we met him. He just came in. Somebody else had set it up. And he was making jokes so quick. He's so quick. To the point where I stopped being the co-host of the show. I literally said on the mic, I went, he's so quick. I was just like, what? Like...

watching us in all. Why doesn't he do more? Like, I don't see him around. He should be. He's so perfect for it. He did a lot of radio, man. That's like 30 hours of radio. Yeah, he's fucking done it forever. You're right. If he made the rounds like he's so good at it. And I think of the guys who are that quick on radio of like all time. And it's like Norton and Artie Lang.

Artie was great. Maybe the two quickest snipes. Kumi was really quick, too. When I really started listening to Howard was right when Artie came on because I got a job as a driver and I would just listen to it all day. When Norm would come on,

Those are the best. They had gambling stories. The Bob Bucher stories are fucking amazing. Google that at home, folks, if you haven't heard it. Then that... Artie Klein. That Artie Klein's got a real big mouth. We also talk about gambling away our money at casinos. Like, Norm was the fucking king. Animal.

He would lose, like, all of his money and be like, ah, I started fresh. You know, I'm back. There's that story of he walked, he had, like, 40 grand in a briefcase. I don't know if it's true or just, like, a lore. He had, like, 40 or 60 grand in a briefcase in Atlantic City, I think, maybe. Just walked out to a pier and threw it in the water. Yeah. Because he was like, I'm going to lose it anyway. Let's just fucking get it over with. What? Yeah, and he goes, I feel the same. As if I would have, like, okay.

Okay. I got a better idea. Maybe a charity of some sort. St. Jude's Children's Hospital could maybe use this money. At least have a little dinner or something. Right. Yikes. That is a problem right there. Yeah. Man, that's rolling the fucking dice, literally. Although I did find a lot of chips in my jacket when I got back from AC, and that's a bad feeling, too. Oh, really? Fuck, now I got to go back. I got to go back to AC. I got to go back and bring down the house. You should try giving that to a hobo. You know, like, here, just start walking. Take these.

That's the way you know. You know somebody's a real heroin addict if you give them fucking chips. And they drive to the city and they get down there. Wait, you were a driver? What are we talking, limo? No, I drove, I was telling you before with the fake titties. This guy used to sell fake boobs. His wife worked for this laser company. It was right when laser hair removal started to get popular. So they teamed up together and started a laser hair removal rental business.

Because he had the ends with all the high-end plastic surgeons out in Long Island, Westchester, here in the city. And I would drive the equipment and the technician around. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah. So this was like lasering off hair on people. Yeah. Yeah. Did people just have hairy vaginas before that? Yeah, I think so. Wow. But this is like face, all this kind of stuff.

It was a tough time. Yeah, it was a rough time. But it was awesome. I just got like a $20 breakfast from Burger King, and I'd sit in the truck all day, sleep, listen to fucking Stern. That's the best. Yeah, I used to move furniture, and we'd have to drive the truck. And driving the truck, you still got paid. Yeah. So you got a gig in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, and you're like, fuck yes, because you get paid for all that riding. 100%. Yeah. Those were good days. Nothing like sleeping in a car. Falling asleep on the subway or something. Woo!

He's the king of falling asleep on the subway. Really? Reggie used to do that a lot. Reggie Conquest. We'd see him the next day and be like, man. I'm like, what? He's like, I didn't get home until 8 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, why? He's like, I woke up out in Rockaway. Jesus Christ. That happened to me where I woke up. I'd miss it because I lived in the Washington Heights. I'd get up to the end and be like, all right, I have a few more stops. I would pass out, sit there, go all the way out to the Rockaways, wake up out there, and be like, fuck.

fall back asleep, wake up, and just like all night. But that sleep is unquestionable. That sleep is almost better. No, but I think it's better than sleeping at home. You don't think? It was after like 40 beers. Are you kidding me? It reminds me of falling asleep in the backseat of the car when my uncle was driving or falling asleep in like seventh period in high school.

Here's where some of that's negated. When you wake up like, oh, yeah. Going through your pocket. That's part of the rush. You wake up in like the park or some shit. I've done that a couple of times and you just wake up and you're just like, what have I done? The craziest. Woke up in the park? Yeah. Werewolf? He's got blood all over his face. He woke up in the park.

Well, when you're a kid and you're just getting drunk, yeah, you pass out. The craziest one is Eric Bergstrom. You've heard this story. He woke up on the AirTran. Whoa! So he fell asleep on the subway. Bad transfer. And in some kind of sleepy stupor, he got on the AirTran, which means you had to swipe. Buy a ticket. That's not the same transfer. And he got on it. He's like, JFK Terminal A. What the fuck? You know how legendary that story would have been, though, if he got in a flight just anywhere? He's like, Cincinnati. What the fuck? Yeah.

Well, that was at Skank Fest. Chris O'Connor. You know Chris O'Connor? Yeah, yeah. Dude, he was doing mushrooms or something and was like – Allegedly. No.

No, he was pretty public about it. And it was like three in the morning and he's like, I got to see the mountains, man. Oh, no. Got on a flight and like came to in Aspen. Shut up. I swear to God. It was like, I don't know. I just had this urgency. The mountains. And he came to and he's like, what the fuck am I doing here? Shut up. Meanwhile, we're in Vegas. There's mountains all around us. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

That is one of the craziest things I've ever heard. Holy. I did it once. I mean, you know the joke because you were there when I wrote it. But we were leaving Michael Che's house once, Mark, at like 7 a.m. Oh, yeah. We were both wrecked.

And I remember walking. Maybe it was 6 a.m. I don't know. We walk out. And Mark and I stumbled out. We go our separate ways. And a cab walks up to me. And he goes... He just sees me stumbling. And he's trying to rip me off. And he goes, JFK? And I was... Oh, no. He goes, LaGuardia is what he said. LaGuardia. And I said, yeah, yeah. All right. I just get in the car. I was fucked up. So he's driving me to LaGuardia. So he's driving me to LaGuardia. And...

True story. I fucking sober up in the joke. I say, I come to like, you know, 20 minutes later. I was like, whoa, JFK. That's what I did. But in reality, I was like, it took me like 20 minutes to realize and we had to turn back. I was like, no, no, no, wait. Wow. We were bombed. That was the night when Michael Che was pouring us...

Like, Johnny Walker blew, and I was like, you were wasting this on two shit-faced dudes who don't know the difference right now. Good point. I got all banged up at Patty's one night. One of those things where they, like, shut the door and you're like, cool, summer night, whatever.

And it's like now like 6.15 a.m. or whatever. Stumble out. The sun's coming up. And I just was like so drunk and just like, man, I love fucking comedy. This is great. This is so cool. I get in a car and I live up by the hype by the GWB. And I was like, I get out to get a Gatorade. I'm like, you know what? I've never walked across the GWB. I'll do that. It's like 6.30 in the morning. Sun's coming up.

I don't realize they have it. They used to. I don't know if he's still there. They used to have a guy sit on the GWB to talk you down from jumping. Shut the fuck up. There wasn't a net there. That's a great gig. Up until a couple of years ago. How do you get that gig? So I'm up there, dude. I'm like my neck. So my like collars. I look like I just got hit by a bus.

And he's like, how you doing, man? I'm like, just loving life right now. But like, really? Like, she left you, huh, big guy? He was like, take the kids on you. He was like, don't do it, man. Or something. He's like, it's not worth you good. And I'm like, yeah. And then it all hit. I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm like, I'm totally. I just came to watch the sunrise, dude, or whatever. Yeah.

But he was like slowly creeping up to me. Wow. Wouldn't it be great if they put like on the other side, it's like a Jeff Ross guy. Like, you look like shit. You should jump. You got halitosis. Yeah. Like a roaster. You got to pick what side you want. I remember, you know, Steve Fabricant from The Cellar. Sure. Outdoor Steve. Of course. So he told me a story once. So he walked on the bridge with a girl late at night and-

That's trying to kill her. This gang, he's like kind of gang season there and they're kind of fucking with him. And it's one of the things where he's like, they're going to fuck me up. And they hand him a drink. They're like, take a sip of this. And he knows if he takes a sip, they're just going to fucking beat him up. And for whatever reason, he just goes, I just quit the stuff. And they were like, all right. And he was like, I think that saved my fucking life. Wow.

So weird. Must have been the Van Buren boys. They don't mess with their own. Still holding the pepper shake. Dude, I've been re-watching because it's on Netflix and like the significant shrinkage episode. Oh,

Holy shit. One of my favorite lines of that is, she's got a great body, buddy. Oh, yeah. She's got a great body, buddy. That's the same actress that was in Boogie Nights and also in. Who's she in Boogie Nights? That's right. She married Don Cheadle.

Pull it up. She was also in Magnolia as the daughter of Jimmy Gator. Her body. Damn. I love what a fucking film nerd you are, Foley, because we've talked about this before, but you're such a film nerd. Yeah. We are, too. We love it. Her body in Seinfeld was absolutely great. It was banging. It made her have to be old to play somebody's mom recently. They were the same age. You know what? You're right. I can't remember what that was.

Yeah, my favorite line in that episode is when George won't stop kind of zinging this woman, and Jerry goes...

easy big fella yeah i love that yeah well they're at the table yeah yeah it's really quite breathtaking but you know that guy's so good he's great i'm such a seinfeld psycho about the show that i uh i watched the the dvd box set blah blah blah back behind the scenes shit and larry david kept running onto the screen and going say shrinkage more just it's a funny word just keep saying shrink really and i love

stuff like that. It's like Carlin when he keeps saying my stuff and your stuff and you just repeat a word and it becomes funnier. Right. Mm-hmm.

Damn, that's... I mean, so many of those old Seinfeld episodes are just like... It's just non-stop. It's crazy. My girl always tries to get me to watch something new or, you know, like everyone's talking about... Dude, I watch Seinfeld and Sopranos over and over again. Dude, Sopranos is my number one rewatch. I have to stop around season five or like the beginning of six. I just get depressed. Yeah, I'm like, fuck. It's the end and it's like... Because I know it's coming to the end. But I love all the Phil Leotardo stuff, but it's just like, fuck. Oh, but his ending is one of the finest. The best. Yeah.

But you know, I do have a new rec. If you haven't seen it, the movie Megan, dude. Is it good? Ronnie Chang fucking kills it. He's a killer, man. He's awesome. Really? Every time he speaks, I was laughing. Wow. Have you seen it? Yes. It's a good movie, right? Yeah. He was great in The Ten Rings, too.

I haven't seen it. Oh, I would love to. Yeah, dude, it's awesome. I would love to. Seinfeld-wise, I would love to. I'd do it with Don Lee and Fiore. We just did it the other night drinking. Who do you think the best one-off character is? One-off is where it gets tricky because I do love the guy. You know what guy I love who's recurring is the guy who's like,

You've ridden in a thousand Cadillacs, that guy? Jack Clumpus. He's on a few of them. He's great. A non-recurring, just a one-off character. A one-off is tough. The Moyle would have to be up there. I think it's the Moyle. How'd that guy not have a career? I know, right? What the fuck? What do you got to do? Every line out of the Moyle's mouth is a fucking punchline. You put it right on the edge, then it goes right to the shards of glass. Hit me in the head, steal my bag. Like,

He's very low-key, but you know what else was great? The guy that ran the pizza place where the Frogger was. Oh, yeah. Where you been? We're tanking over here. That'll save us. Man.

Slippery Pete's alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's not a friend of mine. In fact, we already had another one that I forget that it was like, it was the rival bookman, but I'm not sure. The librarian was pretty attractive, too. I saw a thread. I followed some Sopranos, like dumb Sopranos threads where they're like the amount of like hitmen who have been on Sopranos and it was just a Twitter thread of all the random, which is like that Asian dude in Palm Beach. Ah.

All those random dudes where you're like, oh, yeah, that guy. Yeah. It takes you to, it's like the way you hear a song, it just takes you to a fucking moment where you're like, yes. You know who was great in that? The heroin addict that hooked up the Italian hitmen. Remember, he could speak Italian? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's fantastic. Real seedy looking dude. Yeah. Which one was this? He was in a couple of them. He was very nondescript. Yeah, he was in a movie called Dinner Rush with Danny Aiello. I heard it's a great movie. Ooh. Really? Ooh.

I don't know that one. Sammy, you would fucking love it. My grandpa loved that movie. Dude, old school fucking New York indie movie. I gotta watch it. Eric the Clown? Jon Favreau. Yeah. Put it out with his big shoe. How about the DiMaggio boys? Lou DiMaggio? They're all blind and beaten down. We don't work for drug dealers. Ha ha ha.

They're all in their late 70s. They're like, we can take care of this. Half of them can't see. The 90s. Did you guys watch Simpsons? Not huge, but enough. Really? I'm not a cartoon guy. You don't like the South Park stuff? No, I can't connect with it. I remember seeing it for the first time on the Tracy Allman show. Have you guys seen this season of South Park?

Yeah, that made waves. Didn't they try to sue them or something? Yeah, they dropped it. They dropped it, but yeah. How humorless do you like that? They stink. I kind of liked them at one point, and then I'm like, ah, you're just getting out of here. I like the fact that they were leaving. I'm like, oh, that's pretty cool. And I'm like, this is all just self-aggrandizing bullshit. But they left for the money, right? Yeah. Yeah, they got like a $50 million Netflix deal, a book deal, everything. That book was like the bestseller of all time. It's like broken all these records. It's crazy.

People love this shit. I don't want to tell tales out of school. I might want you to cut this, but I don't think that's his kid. He looks just like the best friend that she was with. Princess Di was sleeping around. You're saying with the trainer. He looks exactly like the fucking trainer. Pull it up. Did you ever see that? That side by side? No. It's pretty crazy. I mean, I don't want to get clipped by MI6 or anything. Well, they're out of the family, so you're good. All right. You have to go, Salacuse? What happened?

Back to the subway. What's more important to you, your son? I got to go talk to the other mold people. I'm kidding. Buddy, thank you so much. We love you, man. Salamanga. You're a hell of a father. Wait, is that him? Well, who's that guy? Yes, that would be his dad. That's it. It was her like horse trainer or something. Wow. Damn.

Oh, back on the saddle again. Right? That's it. That's pretty dead ringer, right? Well, if that's true, then he made out like a bandit. And that's probably why he dipped, you know? Damn. Oh, interesting. Maybe tinfoil hat shit, and I'm loving it. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, that's pretty good. The red hair, too. And he's so much hotter than Charles. Yeah. Charles is a fucking horse. Yeah, they really did him a favor in The Crown, which I did like that. That's great show. The Crown was all right. The first two seasons were incredible. First two seasons were like...

Blew me the fuck away. John Lithgow was Churchill. Oh, my God. Isn't it nice for us to take one of their fucking jobs? Yeah. There you go. I appreciate that. Trevor Noah. John Oliver. James Corden. No, but it was... Dude, he would kill... That episode where he gets painted is one of the best episodes of TV ever. It's insane. Gary Oldman did a really good... Yeah, he's good. Darkest Hour. He did a really good... I didn't see that one, but yeah. He's always good. I liked it. Yeah. Oldman.

Oldman's all right. He kind of dodged the cancellation. They tried to take him down. Oldman? What'd he do? I don't know, but there was a moment where they were trying to take him down. So Ben Stiller pushed back. They're doing the Tropic Thunder. I saw that. Every four years, Tropic Thunder gets in the heat again. How could they make this? The retard, the whole thing, and then he pushed back. I forgot about that, too. I guess it was a lot, but man, it's a funny movie. He just doubled down like last week on it. Right.

Oh, domestic abuse. No one cares about domestic abuse. Come on. We got athletes out there. Come on. What happens in the house stays in the house. You know what I mean? Exactly. I didn't know that. Oldman, huh? How do you like that? Allegation. Anti-Semitic language. Okay. All right. Oh, shit. Is that bad? That was 2018 he was dropping stuff? We give him the benefit of the doubt. Was he preparing for a role? Yeah. It does say Daniel Day-Lewis. Okay. What did he say? Denzel Washington. He is a good actor. He is a good actor.

Who? I mean, both of them. Well, Oldman, forget about it. Yeah. Played fucking Drexel in True Romance. Yeah, that was a weird role. Dude. He's got a lot of range. He was so good in that, wasn't he? Yeah, you look like a fucking pig in heat. The fifth element is really underrated. Wait, that was Gibson. Man. We got to get Chris Tucker on here, dude. Have we tried that once? What happened? What'd they say?

What? Chris Tucker's coming on, though? Holy shit. That's awesome. Holy shit. Dude, Money Talks was one of the funniest fucking movies. Forget it. It was only one of the ones I had on VHS at a young age, and it was just like, run that. I will snap, crackle, and pop your ass or whatever he said. It's great. Heather Locklear. Oh.

One fine piece of ace. Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. She was great. She banged everybody, too. She had White Snake and Motley Crue and Skid Row and Raps. And Spade. Spade. Sheen, right? She was Sheen for a while. Scott Baio. Richie Sambora was fucking, he was like, he was killing it at one point. He was with everybody. Sheen switched as well. Yeah, a couple of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The craziest one is, what's the Counting Crows guy, the lead singer? Chris Robinson. Thank you.

He fucked Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel. Really? Really. While Friends is on the air, so they have to go to work and be like... No way. And it went on to Ryder. And Joey. How do you pull that off? Rock stars, man. Yeah. That was the first concert I ever saw in New York at the Beacon Theater. They were great. Dude, they fucking murdered. But how do you pull three people on the same cast? Also at their hottest. I know. Highest, hottest. Also, I didn't give Phoebe the appreciation as a young kid. Now looking back, I'm like, she was a fucking...

She was hot. Yeah, she was pretty. And she's a great comic actress. Very. I was on Conan with her once, and she was very nice. Analyze this, analyze that. She's fucking great in that. She used to date Conan. What? Is that right? Early on, yeah. Whoa, that's some tall fuck. I think probably while she was on Friends, I think. Yeah? I think so, yeah. I think in the early years of Friends. I heard that, yeah, Chris Robinson fucked them up. No, I don't know. No, I was on Conan with her. Counting hoes. They were...

Yeah, Romy and Michelle. Oh, yeah. That's a funny movie. That's good stuff. Who's that? Her and Christina Applegate? No, Mira Sorvino. Mira Sorvino. Not too shabby. Yikes. Mighty Aphrodite. The best. Mira Sorvino or Marissa Tomei? Tomei. Really? Tomei. Okay. Sweet spot. Soft spot. Tomei is going to... If we're doing like a bracket tournament, Marissa...

Tomei's like a one seed. Yeah, I agree. What are we doing? Dude, my cousin Vinny, that was insane. I liked her in The Wrestler. Oh, even better. Because she's also a great actress. Brilliant. But then she's also beautiful. And Seinfeld. That's right. Wow, that's right. She's from Bensonhurst. She's beautiful. Yeah, she's great. Her and my cousin Vinny, I remember seeing that as a kid and having like a little boner. Dude, I remember when she like, when she. That onesie that she wore. Oh.

Pull it up. When she was on the stand. Cisco and Ebert give a two thumbs up. Mark Norman, I had a little boner. I remember it was awkward, though, when they have that almost sex scene on the bed because Joe Pesci is so much like an uncle or something like that. But to see him in that sexy position. He's 5'1". Yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. It's weird when someone's that much older than their love interest. Yeah. It's a great movie, but you ever watch old school Sabrina with Humphrey Bogart and Aubrey? It's crazy. It's a great movie, but it's still like he is really old. He's 50, she's 15. Yeah. It's nuts back then. I'm listening. Talking to DiCaprio.

How about that, huh? 19. Yeah. Man. He's walking up to the line, and he is looking at the line. Yeah, he doesn't care. I respect that. Let him do him. It's legal. Is she European or American? Jerusalem. Yeah, that's fine. There you go. They don't care. They're old souls. Yeah, that's true. Iron Dome, that'll be fine. But yeah, what's fun about dating a 19-year-old is you get to show her stuff. Like, here's

Seinfeld. Here's Seinfeld. Here's ice cream. You're like, shit, you've never tried before. Don't tell your parents. Yeah. You ever had an affogato before? He's curating an entertainment experience for you? Yeah. Yeah. This is called the Empire Strikes Back. Wait, she's 19? She doesn't look 19. She looks amazing. Yeah, but that's what a pedo would say. Yeah. Nice.

She looks of age, Your Honor. No, Pito doesn't want them to look of age. I know, but that's their defense. I see. She looks 13. David Harbour from Stranger Things said that would be like him dating Eleven, the girl. Yeah. They're basically DiCaprio's difference between... Oh, she's also beautiful. Yeah, that's crazy. But she likes him.

Right? So she should be able to do what she wants. Sure. I'm in. You want everybody, obviously, above age. He is not. He's my age. He does not look like a fucking 47 or 49-year-old man. He looks like he's in his defense. Neither do you. I'm saying it's fucking Leo. What do you want? Yeah. Of course. Well, no one's more angry at this than a middle-aged white woman. Sure.

Sure. If you want to see some fury, watch the Ingram angle on TV. And she's like, how dare he? Yeah. Now, what if he was dating... I think she's pretty hot, too. Megyn Kelly's fucking hot. Megyn Kelly's hot. Let's go. That's undeniable. But what if he was dating a 19-year-old that was just pig? I mean, fat. Maybe like good for him. Exactly. Some chick that works at Hot Topic. I don't think he gets a good for him on a 19-year-old number.

Even if he's a wheelchair, fat, fat 19-year-old rascal. He would be a savior. Exactly. I think people are going to be like, what's he doing? Well, they'd be an angle. They'd be an angle. But, you know, he's got a great personality. You know, if you're fat in a wheelchair, you better be charming. You got to be bringing it. Yeah. Exactly. You better know how to sing or something. It's like Pulp Fiction. That's one charming motherfucking pig. You have to be in this shit. What'd you say? What was it? The pig from... Arnold.

They're Arnold from Green Acres. Seinfeld does that too, though. Would you date a woman 20 years older? He's like, you have to be real vibrant. Yeah. What is it, like shaking the room or something like that? No, it was when Elaine was dating the guy who put cookies in his mouth. Oh, yeah. Yankee beans. Yankee beans. That's not a bad one, too. That's another great off-air, you don't get to see it, but you hear the paramedics go, who put cookies in his mouth? Yeah, that's a great line. That's a great line. The paramedics are great, too. Not supposed to do that. It's hilarious.

With the chukkas. Yeah, yeah. Larry David's the VO in everything. Everything. And he kills it every time. Which, do you think that was a reason of, like, it's funny? Or, like, let me also just get this check at the same time? No, I think. Yeah, he's in everything. Yeah. He's the man in the cape. Man in the cape. He was the guy that wouldn't take the 20 with the lipstick on it. Yeah, that's right. Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner. Yeah.

That choice of Steinbrenner is so funny. Dude, it's so good. To just play it that way. He didn't like it. Steinbrenner was on paper was like, I don't like it. It's not funny. It's pretty damn funny. It was terrible. Really? There's a deleted scene. Steinbrenner. Pull him up. No shit. They said Larry David hated the way he did it. So he's like, I'll do it myself. It was just such a perfect time for New York and the Yankees. Yeah. They were just coming out of that. It's hard to be self-aware in a role like that, though.

That was another thing with Regis when Kramer went on. He's Bonkos. Bonkos. He didn't want to say Bonkos. We say that all the time. Because we say it all the time on the show. He didn't want to say Bonkos. Because he's like, I wouldn't say this. And Lars or whoever was like, you have to say Bonkos. It's Bonkos. Is that right? Because we're not doing you. We're doing a cartoon of you. Yes, yes. And the cartoon of you says Bonkos. Of course. And he's like, I don't want to say it. And he's like, you have to fucking say Bonkos. Damn.

And that became, I'm telling you, this guy's bonkers. It's funny because I'm sure it's the Mandela effect or whatever it's called. I think that I heard Regis say that before he was on the show. That sounds so much like something Regis would say. That's the thing. It's a Regis, it's the most Regis line. Fun fact, Seinfeld has never said what's the deal with. He's never said that in his act.

But it just became a thing, and it became bigger than him. I don't think Bogan ever said play it again, Sam. I think he just said play it, Sam. Pull it up.

Yes, no, he didn't. In Elaine's brain, what's the deal with airplane peanuts? But that's how you make fun of him. Yeah, he was doing it on the show. Kramer did it, too, with the styrofoam peanuts. What are these things? Bogart didn't say. No one ever says play it again. Yeah. It's the Woody Allen movie. You played it for her, you can play it for me. Oh, I love that he's a fucking good movie. If she can take it, so can I. Yeah, if she can take it, so can I. Bogey. He's not doing a lot of sports. He's getting these movies in.

Who were you before? What did you think? And what did you do? Wow. Play it again, Sam. If the boys are having one, I'll do whatever. Whatever's easy for you. Same. I got to do a fucking hour, dude. I'm going to show up to my show at the Cellar drunk. There you go. I got a midnight. We did one before this. Yeah.

We're idiots. Ooh, again, it's nothing wrong with that. Might as well do a car bomb. Thanks, pal. All right. I mean, while we're here. I don't think we have Kahlua. That's a fucking disaster. That's a car wreck. Yeah, that I can't tell you. You can use Kahlua, probably.

I do have Kahlua. I don't know if you want coffee. Oh, that's crazy. I don't wake you up like an espresso martini. Do you ever have a Yellow Submarine's good? What's that? It's Boddington's, which is a British. It's a bitter beer. Yeah, it's Boddington's. Psst.

What do we have in Epcot around the world at that bar? Have you ever done that? That's a fun thing you should just do, drinking around the world at Epcot because they have all the different countries. Whoa. And the rule is... Dirtbags make a fun game out of it of... They have one specialty drink in each country. I think there's 11 countries. So you drink...

a drink in each country, but you're not allowed to take it to the next country. Like, you have to stay in there and chug it. Got it. And I think we had, like, 11 drinks in, like, two hours. Wow. And it's like, you walk out, and you're like, we had to be carried out. It was a great time. Are they beers or cocktails? Oh, whatever. Like, you can get, like, a Japanese beer, or you can get, like, a margarita. Like, there's different ones. But what did we have at that English pub? It wasn't Harp. It was something like that, though. Maybe it was Boddington's. I think it was Boddington's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very good. Damn. Damn.

Did you guys hear, off-brand, off-topic, did you hear Tom Brady's doing stand-up? That's got to be a fake rumor. He's probably hilarious. Yeah, that's got to be a joke. I think it was a fake rumor, dude. Come on. Well, didn't Gronk do it a little bit? Yeah, Gronk tried it for a second. So did, what's the Asian lady from the Today Show? Connie Chung? Connie Chung? Maybe Connie Chung did stand-up. Oh, no, not Connie Chung. T.I. Yeah. T.I. Madonna did it for, she did Tonight Show.

They can't be real. What basketball? Blake Griffin kind of does it or something, right? He kind of does it. Yeah, he did my show at the New York Comedy Club. Tom Brady's new lady. Somebody was saying he's hilarious. Who, Blake? Yeah. Blake is a funny guy. Great delivery. He's a funny guy. He's a hunter. And he's a very nice guy, too. He came into that show and every female comic was like, oh. It was wild. It was fun to see them be inappropriate. Yeah. Yeah.

That's good. But yeah, Tom Brady. Everybody wants to do stand-up. It's kind of annoying that it's so easy to do stand-up because they just do it on a whim. Like, oh, this is my fucking bucket list thing. See, it's a clickbait. There's no way he would do that. No, I think he's doing the Netflix roast. Oh. So I bet he's just trying that shit out. Gotcha. Who are they roasting? Him. Oh, okay, okay. I wouldn't do anything.

I'd be done. You got the money. You got to get out of the house. Yeah, but they might just donate it to charity or something. It might be one of those. That's why Pamela Anderson did it. It was all donate to charity. Did you watch that documentary? Yeah, it was pretty heavy. Pretty good. Yeah, somebody heard something. All right.

I'd still do it. 100%. I keep telling him, it's a little inappropriate, but I keep telling him, I think Britney is way more attractive now than she was. I like that. Britney, pull up. Spears. Oh, I like to make Griner. Yeah, pull up, pull up Spears. Glad she's home safe.

She's definitely more available now without that dad in the picture. You definitely have a better chance. Your chances are way up. She's just naked dancing around the house all day? I mean, that's a really good picture. Her Instagram videos are pretty rough. Yeah, they really are. She's a pretty woman, though. She's got, like, meth mouth. Like, it's like she hasn't, you know. What is meth mouth? It's just like her teeth are all fucked up. I don't know if she's really doing meth. She's...

She's not flossing. She's in the middle of a manic episode, for sure. Yeah, you know, she's not out of that conservatorship, and I don't think she should be in one, but when she got out, I saw her vagina within seconds. That thing was out there. Maybe her dad was running it. It was like she had it waiting to release. Not even like she was like, the second this is up. He might have been running a tight ship. Well, loose lips. Get clicks. Amen, sister. All right.

Yeah, she seems like a nightmare to hang out with. Oh, man. Yeah, we'd all like to poke her. I don't know, dude. It could be a fun party. She's got some good tunes, too. You go through the greatest hits, she's got some good tunes. Oh, the hits are great. The hits are good. Coca-Cola.

I like, dude, she's not even a good dancer anymore, which is crazy. Yeah, she really is. That'd be like what I would do if you asked me to dance. I would do the same thing. We got to get you in this outfit. Doing the mashed potato. I'm watching now. I can't take my eyes off it. It's mesmerizing.

This is somebody's mom. As far as middle-aged moms, what are we doing here? No, of course, of course. That was your neighbor? 41.8 million followers. Crazy. Well, she's nuts, dude. And also, with no music, it looks way worse. Is there a music player? She's having a stroke. But look, she's having more fun than we are. I'm in a hotel crying. You think this is fun? Yeah, she's having a blast. She's on top of, she's so crazy, she's on top of the world right now. Yeah, I mean, you can't tell her anything. She dances like Elaine. Ha ha ha.

The little tiny kicks. She dances like when you're babysitting a little girl, you know? She's just twirling and shit. No, I don't know. Oh, okay. Wait, when who's babysitting a little girl? My restraining order's up. Yeah, this is a lot. This is... Yes, yes. That's what I'm saying. She's like kiddie vibes. Yeah, this is a tough following. Now she's tired. It's like a kid. Can you send me that link, please? Yeah.

Wait, who are these weirdos? Is that her kids? They're better dancers than her. Yeah, they're good. Who are these guys? Now we're just watching TikTok. By the way, I like how this is how addictive this shit is. Sure. We just stopped talking. We're just watching this shit. I forgot we were doing a show. Good for you, Brittany. Glad you're happy.

Free Britney. Also, here's a peeve of mine. The people who post their workouts. You're not inspiring people. I've never seen someone in the gym been like, I got to go to the gym. And you're ruining the gym. Now you got to set up a camera. I see this at the gym. There's starting to be some pushback. That girl that yells at people. She tries to get people. It's all clicks. Yeah, and it's like.

she'll be like oh this person came over and harassed me they're like they asked if you were using the machine like yeah it wasn't they're not trying to fuck you right well maybe they are but yeah but it's a slow burn yeah yeah i was being real subtle about it she got re free canceled like she tried to cancel some guy outside people went after her yeah whichever it's kind of nice to say i know it was yeah justice was yeah one for the good guys you know what i mean yeah here here i can still creep on people at the gym i

I don't like the rogue canceling, so it's nice to see it gone wrong. Yeah, well, she was just using it to get her prunked up. Attention. She's all attention. The one guy was just standing there, and he's like, what? I didn't even know you were there. Yeah, yeah. She'll snap. She'll be like, get away. I'm like, what the fuck? It's like the gym. You just kind of want to be alone. You just want to disappear if you're doing that shit. Of course, of course. You don't want to...

Yeah, the worst. I mean, have you had where I'm on the weight thing doing my dumb curls with like five pounders and somebody's like comedy. And I'm like, oh, shake weight. You spot me real quick. Exactly.

That's tough. What's the deal with ellipticals? All right. Do you guys have any peeves? Putting back the seat on an airplane. The what? Whoa, this is a big debate. We've been talking about this. Putting the seat back on an airplane. We've got to talk about this. It does kind of bug me, the seat back. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a back man. I figured. Do you give a heads up?

No. What if they got their tray out and they're eating? What if they happen to be a portly fellow, and when the tray comes back, it jams them in their stomach area and knocks over their 15 Bloody Marys? The seat does go back. Nobody's specific. I don't want to ruin your night, but the seat reclines, so I'm going to use it. Sure. I understand both sides of the argument. It does go back, but it's also like, I don't like...

I know how much it sucks when someone comes back on me, so I won't go back unless the person behind me is back. Have you been dropped back on where you weren't dropped back?

I go back immediately. Right when the wheels are off the runway, I drop back. If it is a morning flight, I drop back because I try to fall asleep immediately. Sure. But I agree with you. The food thing, when you drop back, or how it fucks up the whole TV situation. It doesn't bend enough. But then people can't get out, too. It jams them up. If they're trying to get out to go to the bathroom or whatever, you're all the way back. You immediately drop back. Immediately. Oh, I hate that. Really? I figured I'd get it done early.

You know, I'm not going to drop back three hours into a six-hour flight. I'm doing it right now just to set the table. That kind of makes sense. I can't remember if I saw it online or somebody told us this. Somebody drops back and they're being annoying about it. You take the air thing and point it right at their head. I like the air. He's trying to go back further. I just don't. If it reclines, it's like a window shade. You can put it up. You can put it down.

But don't have people have ever annoyed you with the window shade. 100%. There we go. That's the thing. So it's like you annoy people when you go back. There is an ethics. Like if it's a morning flight and it's cross country or something like that, everybody drops it down. It should be dictated by the lights in the plane. If all the lights are off and it's shutdown time.

He can't be sitting there looking out the window. I do think it should be an all or nothing. I do think, like, when the seatbelt, like, hey, we're here, the Wi-Fi clicks on, it goes, everybody go back. Okay. And then the last guy in the back is fucked, but he got bad tickets. Yeah. That's on him. That's on him. But everybody, it should be an all or nothing type thing. That back row is a tough situation. It's a tough look, man. Been back there a lot.

It's tough on every level. You're the last one off. You're next to the bathroom. Tough luck. It's just nothing about it's okay. I don't have to worry about the exit row.

I'm unqualified. Whoa. Because I need a seatbelt extension. FAA regulations. Found that out the hard way, traveling. Biden says he's too fat to fly. Found that out the hard way, traveling with my lady. Oh. We got a fucking exit row, extra leg room, chilling out.

Sit down, no problem. In the case of an emergency, I'm like, no, we'll take care of it. Don't worry about it. Then she walked back. I was like, hey, can I get a seatbelt extender? She was like, you're not allowed to sit in the exit row if you need any seatbelt extenders or assistance. So stands right there.

And goes, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This gentleman can't sit in the exit row. Was there anybody that would voluntarily switch seats? And these two fucking studs stand up. Like, we'll take care of it, ma'am. And had to switch seats with him. Chris Hemsworth. Yeah, literally. Rock. Fucking brutal. Holy moly. You had to change to their seat. Had to move to their seat. And tuck my nuts back.

And then they fucked his girlfriend. She wanted to stay. I'm going to hang out for a little while. Holy moly. No, these guys are cool. So you had to walk. Did you get up at least? A little higher up in the plane? No. Further back. Oh. Because higher up, I don't think is going back. Had to pass him in the aisle like, thanks, fellas. Thank you for your service. Appreciate your service. Damn. Tell my girlfriend I said hi. Damn, I'm going to try that next time there's a porker up in the... In the old...

But given we were flying back from L.A. or somewhere and you got it on.

Yeah. They were like, sir, you're not allowed to sit there. And we knew that kind of going into it, but someone else booked the tickets for us. So they were like, oh, we'll be nice. Got us the aisle or the emergency exit. It was a longer strap, so I was able to squeeze in. But it was like, they were like, sir, we just have to hear it. It was just click. They're like, we just need to hear the click, and then you can take it off. He's got it around his neck. Yeah.

Holy shit. I'm sorry, man. I was really rooting for it. I was like, man, just fucking let me hear that click. Just get it in there. Are you at the end of Foley's movie, the last scene? You just hear it click in. Everyone's like... Slow clap starts on the... It's like cool running. Is that what click is about?

Damn, I'm sorry, but you're a secure guy. Okay, I don't give a shit. You're good. Yeah, he's not going to cry after this. Keep the cheddar biscuits coming. I'm all right. These are good. You guys tried these? Give me a bite of this. Have you not had one of these? I've never had one. Is it rival Popeye's? Because I grew up on that shit. I don't know. I don't think I've ever had Popeye's. Popeye's are all right with the put a little butter and jelly on them. Oh, talk to me, Daddy. Good night.

Ooh. Nothing wrong with that. There's a place in Rittenhouse Square in Philly, next time you guys are in Philly, called Devon's Seafood. I used to work there when we were coming up. They do something similar to that.

Blow your brains out. Devin's what? Devin's Seafood. It's right next to Park on Rittenhouse Square. I'll be there soon. Phenomenal. Biscuits. That's good stuff. Love a biscuit. Oh, yeah. You like cornbread? You're a cornbread guy? I love cornbread. I might have gone there with Vito once. Vito's such a fucking food snob. Yeah. I mean, it's a corporate seafood place, but it's really good. But they just put those on the table with apple butter or honey butter.

Man. I think we went there. I think Vitor picked it out. Crushed it. I got doing Chicago for my special taping. I didn't realize it's St. Paddy's Day weekend. I'm terrified. No, it'll be great. It's a taping. They'll behave. I'm talking Green River, Beer River, you know, the whole thing. Are you taping on the 17th? Yeah.

But doesn't Chicago have their own St. Pat's? Wait, is it a weekend? Yes. Holy shit. I don't know what I was thinking. It's going to be mayhem out there. That's like Christmas Eve on a Friday. Yeah, what? Couldn't your agents have caught that, you think? Nobody caught it. But don't they have their own St. Patty's Day in Chicago? Am I completely dumb here? I don't know.

Yeah, but I think that's like the biggest thing outside of Dublin is Chicago. Yeah, it's not like Canadian Thanksgiving where it's in like July. I've had some bloodbath hecklers on – I've done Chicago and St. Paddy's twice. Does it look like they celebrate the 11th?

This dude fucking nearly came to the stage. It got so heated. Oh, no. He had me in toss. It was ugly. He was a piece of shit. Really? Yeah. It was when Zany's used to make you do three shows in a night. Oh, yeah. And Shocker, it was on the 11 p.m. I've had that. That wasn't a matinee that got you? No.

Oh, God. Bar crawl. God, I hope none of these animals are coming to the show. Friday, March 17th. No, I'm sure fans know probably, right? Worst case, you get a fucking money-ass takedown. That's true. How many shots are you taking? Four. You're going to get it, buddy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be good. Also, the pub crawls go from 4 to 10, so the show's at 7 and 9. You'll be fine. I think if your fans are going, they're not going to hit the pub crawl. They're like, we're going to see Norman. They know you're taping. I don't know. We do a show call. We might be drunk. We got a lot of boozy. We do get boozy people, man. But they know you're taping. Yeah. Nobody's going to want to fuck you out of a four-year. They're like, I'm going to get on the tape. You're doing four. You're going to get it for sure. Okay, okay.

Four is a good number. Yeah. And my man James Webb is directing it. You got that right. And we're doing Saturday, too, so maybe I'll... You'll be fine. Fourth of Vic, motherfucker. Look at that. Fun times. But Vitor's opening, and he's already hit me with about 38 Michelin stars. Are you going to go to Sean's?

I think we will, yeah. Shaw Seafood? Yeah. That's a great spot. You're going to love it. It's like old school Chicago. Gene and Giorgetti's phenomenal. Gene and Giorgetti's is great, too. It's a little steakhouse. Old school Italian. Real old school Italian spot. Gene and Giorgetti's. There's something about steak with a side of pasta. Yeah, it works. You feel like Jake LaMotta. Something just, I don't know what it is. I want to hit my wife.

Chicago is a great city. Great city, man. I would say number two comedy town in America. What's number one? Denver. Denver's great. Where's New York? Well, New York's up there, but New York's already. I think Philly's great. I'm biased. Philly's great, too. Philly's great, too. That's also the clubs are great there, too. San Diego, Phoenix.

Yeah, Sandy Yates. We did a La Jolla comedy, so I fucking love that. That's one of my favorites. Favorite stage ever. Kill Box. Bad Green Room. Oh, rough Green Room. Rough Green Room. Yeah, there's something about that stage in La Jolla. You feel like you're... It's carpet. It's padded carpet. You're on like a trampoline. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's fucking great. And the light on your toes. Five blocks away. It's wacky.

We went down to basements with rats and weirdos and, you know, Dave Attell's got a black hood up. And then you go there, sunshine, taco stand. There's mountain range and shit. Everybody's attractive. Seals. It's a great city and it's a great city for comedy. I mean, but Chicago, there's something about Chicago that I don't know, man. It's like also that Capone bar is so fucking cool. The Green Mill. Have you been there? Oh, I love the Green Mill.

I mean, we're biased because we're on the Eastern Sea, whatever. But Philly, New York, Boston. Boston's great. Chicago. Baltimore, D.C. Yeah, it's just something about them. Baltimore is shaky. You get sleepers. Like, Tampa can be fucking fun. Oh, I love that. We love Tampa. We're coming back. Second show added. Shout out, Brian. Fucking Cleveland hilarities. Now we're just naming clubs. Cleveland's great.

Yeah, Utah. Cleveland Hilarity. Yeah, I love Keith, wise guys. But, yeah, Cleveland Hilarity is another one that's like. You got to throw out Madison. Haven't been. What?

Yeah, we're trying to get it on the book. You guys haven't done comedy? No, we're trying to get it on the book. Here's a rec while you're there, and this is just a rec in general. If you go to a good farmer's market, got to hit a good farmer's market. He doesn't like a farmer's market. It's fried cheese curds for a block. I'll do a pharmaceutical market. See what the perks of Jewish are. It's a great biggest farmer's market in the country in Madison, Wisconsin. That's all right. What are you doing with the fruit, with the produce? Uh.

You guys eating it all there? You bring it back? No, I don't bring it back. Although I did. You bring it back? Some of them have hot sauces, and if it's really good, you can order it online. So I'll still support it. Peach with the red inside. Avocados, not too soft, not too free. I like them as a snack. All right, wait a minute.

Joe, that was pretty good. Joe's great. The other one was, it came to me, Fiore said, I forget his name, but it was Jake, the Carl Farman rep. The guy that worked for Carl Farman. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think I might have it. One-off, Brett, the Jimmy.

The Jimmy killed it. You know, Jimmy, he's taught you the third person. Ramone the pool boy was pretty solid. Ramone's pretty good. Ramone's great. Jimmy's getting upset. Brett was the name of the guy that worked for Fargo. What hurts is a lot of these people come back in the finale. Yeah. Right. They're going two offs. I was thinking like Babu is pretty great, but he's been a few. Yeah, he was in the Dream Cafe and then when he got deported. Right, right, right. In the finale. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Damn. John Panetta. John Panetta. What about just a straight-up supporting character? Obviously not Newman, but like... Putty. Third row. Putty's up there. Oh, Putty's... Yeah, Putty's fantastic. What do you got, a Clarkman? Peterman's great. Peterman's great. Peterman's so good. The voice is gold. Not in my office. He throws them out. Maestro is Bob Cobb. Maestro is great. Hey, ZocDoc.

There's nothing worse than going to a doctor's appointment and having your doctor seem like they have better places to be. Instead of checking you out, the doctor is checking the clock. Not with ZocDoc.

You'll find quality doctors who focus on you, listen to you, and prioritize you. ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient-reviewed, take your insurance, and available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Choose from thousands of patient-reviewed doctors and specialists, browse doctor profiles, upload and verify your insurance information, and get your free ZocDoc.

Get on it.

Remember sitting in your jammies watching cartoons eating cereal? Be a kid again with Magic Spoon. I love this stuff. It's really good. Tasty. Had it yesterday when I got off the road, the fruity stuff. Love those. I like chocolate. Magic Spoon gives you all the flavor and crunch of a kid's cereal that's healthy enough for adults. Yeah, I enjoy it. I mean, I like the peanut butter, the caramel. It's all good shit.

Here's what puts the magic in Magic Spoon. Zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and four to five net grams of carbs in each serving. Only 140 calories per serving. You'll be going back for seconds and thirds. While you may be a kid...

At heart, your body still has adult needs. That's why Magic Spoon flavors are keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, and soy-free. Don't know where to begin? This variety pack has the top four flavors, cocoa, fruity, frosted, and peanut butter.

Click the link below and grab a variety of Magic Spoon cereal and try it today. Use the promo code DRUNK at checkout to get $5 off any order. Or go to magicspoon.com slash DRUNK. Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they will refund your money. No questions asked.

So click the link below or just scan the QR code on the screen and use the code DRUNK for $5 off or go to magicspoon.com slash DRUNK to save five bucks today. There we go. Can't wait to eat it. Peter Meyer from Edmonds. That's right. And he was also in the Twisted Sister videos. Woo!

How about a little Bryan Cranston love, too? Oh, yeah. I did watch the one where he converted. I was spitting and rinsing like there was no tomorrow. That's just the same as the people for 3,000 years. 5,000. Even better. Yeah. One of the best lines of the whole show. You offended as a Jewish person? No, I'm offended as a comedian. Love it. Hand me a stick of fluoride. Ah!

That's a joke about mouth rape. Oral rape. In primetime NBC. You anti-dentite son of a bitch. They should have their own schools. Oh, Robert Wagner at the end there. Oh, yeah, that's right. I think non-series regular, but heavy guest star, Mickey.

Mickey was great. Mickey just showed up, right? He just showed up. Just showed up. All of a sudden, they were just boys. They were just boys. Oh, I got a good cameo. Tony. Hey. Tony. Hey, hey. It was only supposed to be me and Tony. I know you don't like tuna fish. What are you, 11? Mickey's own cameo. So is Benya. I met Mickey at Gotham once.

Really? I recommend Swordfish for you. Oh, that's a lot of fun. Oh, Bourbagne is a comic. You see his headshot at, like, really bad sea-level clubs. All the time. Like, JR's. I waited on him one time in Philly at a Marathon Grill. He was down there for something with baseball. He was friends with, like, uh... Tony Hernandez? Somebody like that. Ha ha ha ha ha!

He was friends with somebody, and I remember I didn't realize it was him, and I walked up, and he had his head down, and he's like, I was like, can I get you something to start, sir? And he's like, I'll have coffee. I was like, God damn it. I'm paying you. Thank you. I'm huge. Coffee, chef. Oh, my man. Oh, my man. Well, this is going to be a good promo for this week anyway.

All right, boys. Cheers. What's this? What is this? What's that, Yeager? Is it? It's Kahlua and Jameson. I thought there was actually coffee in it. Cheers. I was like, I could use a little. Peck me up. Cheers, boys. Here we go. 12 years sober down the drain. Ooh. That's goddamn delicious. Hachi machi. That's all right. One of the best Mickey moments. Him and Kramer get into a fight. He goes, you want to throw? Let's throw. And then they break up the fight, and he goes, you know, I work with Macaulay Culkin. He goes...

What's he like? Good kid. Damn, that's a fucking... It's just incredible how much... It's weird because overseas, Friends is so much bigger than Seinfeld. Yeah. So was like King of Queens, Ray Romano. Like, everybody loves Raymond. I mean, they remade that in other countries. What? Everybody loves Raymond? Isn't that right? Yeah, they tried. They tried. I thought they did. It was a documentary. They tried it in Russia. Yeah.

I thought they did that a lot. It was seriously called... He made a documentary. Everybody Loves Putin. It didn't do well. I think it's called Everybody Loves Vladimir. They were trying to... Everybody Loves Stalin. The problem is in Russia, there's no love. They have no love for people. Well, they didn't even have a sitcom. Oh, they don't have sitcoms. So this was to launch what a sitcom was. Oh, it ran. And people couldn't wrap their heads around it. Oh, wow. It's like that family guy, the communists.

That's hilarious. Quit Stalin. Married with children. Death of Stalin. Good movie. Really? Yeah, dude. I don't think I've seen it. It's a guy who did Veep. Really? And Veep. If you haven't seen Veep. Man, the first couple seasons of Veep. Fucking look out. Is that it? Joke a minute.

He's like, you say no to me again. I heard you. That's how Spacey keeps working. He becomes Raymond in Russia. He just turns to the camera. It was then I knew my wife. What was the Linsky show? What was that? Paddington Bear. He was on a sketch show. He was like a variety comedian. He was naked all the time.

It's so broad, their comedy out there. I mean, no offense to non-Americans, but their comedy, you watch like Mexican TV and it's just like a guy in the bumblebee suit with the pie. It's very... Those are spicy, those. Those Mexican variety shows. Those girls are rebellion. Oh my God. But not a lot of British people have some subtlety, some... Yeah, snarky. Sure. Yeah, smarter, sarcastic humor. Fawlty Towers, Are You Being Served? Totally. Benny Hill. Oh.

Benny Hill. Benny Hill was everybody's intro into. They used to rearrange the letters on the faulty towers on the intro of every episode, and one time it said flowering spots. No way. Pull it up. I never saw that one.

My mom liked that show. My mom watched Night Court, which they remade. They're coming back with. Yeah, I know. That's all they do. Every show on TV. Can I say this? It's a tough look. Yeah. What are we doing? What are you doing, man? What are you fucking doing? I mean, it's sad that young people like, you know, 22 year olds have to watch The Office because there's nothing for them now.

What's the show now? You got like South Park, you got Family Guy. Comedy-wise, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. Sitcom-wise. There's no good sitcom. What is it, Superstore or whatever the fuck that is? I don't even know what that is. Stranger Things and shit like that. Yeah. Well, they don't put a lot of money into comedy, I feel like. I know, but it was like we grew up on it. I built my childhood with these sitcoms. I feel like they try to skip that family aspect of...

People in their 30s that settle down and are getting married and starting families. It's like before or after.

Modern Family, you know, that was a good show. That was a great show. That's gone, right? But to sit down at a meeting and be like, let's remake Night Court. Well, half of the cast is dead. No, we're going to make it real cheesy and shitty. Get the girl from Big Bang Theory. That's what she's from, right? Get the fuck out of here. Big Bang Theory. I'm drunk. My buddy had a good point. He said they made the 90s show. That's a new show. And there's a gay kid in it.

And they don't call him gay. The 90s, that would not fly. And you're like, that's not the 90s. You had this great opportunity to get away with calling him a homo, and they won't do it. That doesn't make sense. That's not the 90s, though. That 70s show was all right, though. That 70s show was pretty good. The best, yeah, it was great.

Yeah, I don't get it. The original Night Court. Forget about it. Oh, yeah. Bull. That was must-see TV. That was genius. Harry Anderson. Yeah. We talk about Taxi all the time being on Taxi. Oh, that was great. I mean, James L. Brooks is a fucking man. A young shit. I remember seeing Taxi when I was real young and seeing Danny DeVito and being like, holy fucking shit. That's comedy. Him and Christopher Lloyd. Yes. The first episode I saw...

It was like 12 at night and I couldn't fall asleep or something like that. I was probably like fucking 10 or 11 years old is when he eats the pot brownies and becomes, he becomes Jim. He was normal before that. Oh, is that right? He's like at Harvard or something like that. And somebody has, they do a flashback and somebody has pot brownies and all of a sudden he goes, let's go like that. I was like, damn, that's good. Don't forget Andy Kaufman on there. Forget about it. Of course.

He would come on as Tony Clifton and just, like, get drunk, slap a lady, eat a steak. You know, he just was all in. Tony Clifton was great. For the longest time, I really thought he was alive. Who? Andy Kaufman. Daddy had faked it. Yeah. For the longest time. That would be the ultimate. I have a hard time watching Man on the Moon. It makes me, like, genuinely sad. I know. Brutal. Lots on Rodney's sketch show. He's the only guy to bring that character to life. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

What? Now, can I just say, now I'm drunk.

The Long Island alumni in comedy is bananas. It's crazy. David Tell, Rod... Oh, Rodney might be Queens. Shit. I think Rodney is Queens. But he was all in Long Island. Wasn't he an aluminum siding salesman in Long Island? I believe you're right. He was a Long Island act, I think. Then it's like... Oh, there you go. Seinfeld.

Seinfeld, Schumer, Opie and Anthony. What's his face? I think Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy was Long Island. I think Howard Stern. Not a comedian, but a funny guy. Saganlo. Saganlo. Shout out to him. Feeney. The boys are from Long Island. Yeah. No, but for sure, it's crazy. What is a huge territory?

Yeah, it's true. It's like a very large piece of land. Because New York City is pretty crazy, too. It's like George Carlin, Chris Rock, Colin Quinn. CQ. Yeah, all these guys. Geraldo. Woody Allen. Woody Allen, Larry David. Yeah, I mean, New York City. Sam Morrell. Sam Morrell over here. But I mean, you got fucking Jackie Gleason. Gleason from Brooklyn. Yeah. Giannis, Chris D. Yeah. Yeah.

But then Boston's no joke. Larry David? I said Larry David. Larry David? Yeah, Boston's killer. Lewis, yeah. Boston's crazy. That's Patrice, Rogan, Stanhope, Burr, Louie, Marin a little bit. Yeah, it's crazy. Gary? Goldman? The goal.

All right, now I'm just listing. All right. I love cities. Are we still recording? We're recording. We should plug dates. I mean, you guys obviously have the Are You Garbage podcast. It's amazing. We've both been on it. We love it. Yeah. Every clip that pops up is fucking hilarious. Thank you, fellas. You guys are killing it. Thanks, buddy. You want to plug dates on tour? Yeah, I got dates coming in hot. Maybe. We just started a new tour, the Stay Trashy Tour. It starts in the middle of March. We're going down to Timonium, Maryland. We're doing Magoobs. Woo!

We're doing Virginia Beach. We got Baltimore. Yeah, we got Timonium, Virginia Beach, Richmond, Virginia, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Houston, Austin. Second show added. New Haven, Connecticut, adding a second show there. Burlington, Vermont, Tampa. Second show added. Dania Beach, Florida, I think it's called. Yeah. Raleigh, Cleveland, and Columbus. That's a good club. That's outside Miami, right? Yeah, Fort Lauderdale area. Yeah, it's Fort Lauderdale. It's a stand-up show, and then at the end, we play a little AYG with the crowd. It's a fun time. Oh, that's a blast.

It's a great live show. You guys should really go see it. I love those added shows. Now we're talking. Every clip from the live show looks like so fucking fun. It's a really fun way to end the show because we each do stand up and then it's like you just go dick around. You know what I mean? It's like

like super fun i mean how happy you guys found a thing and it it just clicked yeah it was so relatable and whatnot it's very uh very crazy yeah yeah we're very excited very fortunate shout out to the bozos and the homies we're past these dates already i gotta update my website this is on html or htmi or uh i don't know what that is but uh yeah yeah come on out

The Vic recording's probably over because this is St. Paddy's Day. Oh, it does? All right. Well, hey, come to Chicago, the Vic Theater. Then I'm in fucking Toledo. And then I'm back laughing up and then doing Oxnard improv in L.A. And then it's back on the theater tour. Then we're going to Australia. We're going to U.K. We're going all over.

I love that. So come on out and say hello. We got the bus tour starting this week. Another bus leg, baby. We're doing Miami, Orlando, all over, Ponte Vedra, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville, Norfolk, D.C., Wilkes-Barre, Portchester, San Diego, L.A., Sacramento, San Francisco. More coming like Cincinnati, Columbus, all that shit. That crest is a beauty. Portland, Maine. We're coming back down.

from Portland, Maine, so I'm hitting a lot of places going back down on another leg. Bring the Veeder? Always bring the Veeder. You got a bus? We're doing a bus. Sick, man. Congratulations. Congrats. Megan. Please, yeah. Oh, yeah, please. Sorry. Joey Roses. I'm there during the week, sometimes on the weekends. Hit me up on Instagram. That's where I know you from. There we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to talk to you out front. Good to see you, buddy. Oh, I love the red lion. I was there the other night. On Bleeker? Yeah. Whoa. Whoa.

I was on a date there the other night at the Red Lion, and a guy walks over, buys me and my lady a round, who's in the band. Hey. I was like, I'll fucking take it, man. Wow. Wait, spasmodic. That's problematic. And he's an addict. All right.

All right. Well, hey, check them out. Thanks, man. Thanks, Patrick. Well, this has been an awesome episode. Thank you, guys. Love you guys. Guys, thank you so much for having us. This is a fun one. Happy St. Paddy's. Happy St. Paddy's. Have a great one, guys. Praise God. By bodegacatwhiskey.com. Yeah. What'd you say? I was going to say the day that St. Patrick chased the Dominicans out of Ireland. Is that real? No. I was like, oh, is that what it's based on? All right. Oh.

Norman's talking shit. I'm in danger. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't.