Ep 112: Vir Das & Guinness
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That was a quick pee. I'll tell you, this guy didn't even shake. Should we start? Yeah, man. Let's start with that. What the hell? Hell yeah. We're rolling. Oh, hey. Hey. Hello. Great guest in studio, Veer Das. Yeah. Check out his new Netflix special, Landing. Yeah.

Please do. Yeah, very good, man. Thank you, man. Yeah, I mean, a lot of controversy. Yes. You've been arrested. I was about to and then didn't. Oh, okay. So I've been okay. The cops like you. Yeah, they do. That really works in your favor. It does. Yeah, cops like comedy. You walk around New York, cops are like, hey, comedy, Norman, whatever, Attell. They love Attell. I bet the guys who arrested Lenny Bruce were like, we like you. Right. You just have to. Yeah.

I saw an Indian cop the other day. Really? Like yesterday in New York City. And I don't know if that's a thing or it's not a thing, but it just kind of made me happy to see one. Yeah. I've never seen that. And he was average Indian height, which is my height as well. So I'm like, I don't know who you're arresting, but I appreciate that you exist. You don't see a lot of Jewish cops.

No. We're not really representing. Never seen a cop with a... Would it be weird if somebody arrests you while complaining about their life? You know. We do the paperwork. But... Yeah, never seen a cop with a yarmulke. No. I mean, you wouldn't. They would have a hat. Ah, true. True. What about... So, for those that don't know, the controversy came from this...

you gave at the Kennedy Center. Oh, yeah. At the end of a show, it was the two Indias. So here's what I can say about it without beginning another news cycle for myself. Oh, shit. So I made a YouTube video at the end of my thing at the Kennedy Center. I'd done a show, put it up, and it was kind of in the vein of many YouTube videos I'd done.

And three days, really good stuff, lots of views. And then I think we all have the angry news channel. - Oh yeah. - Right, so we have an angry news channel, they picked it up. That led to angry people, angry comments, I was trending.

Angry people filed some complaints against me. We didn't know what was going to happen, and I had to turn my phone off for like 45 days. Trending is terrifying. Trending is terrifying. When you start comedy, you're like, I wish I was trending. And then when you're trending, you're like, oh, God, this is horrifying. Yeah, Cosby was trending. Exactly. You don't always want to trend. He is trending. He's still trending. He's back. Just got back from Pittsburgh, and boy, are my victims tired. I don't know if I like that we went from me to Bill Cosby. No, no, no, no, no. What you did was, I mean...

You know, this is pretty brave what you did, but do you... Is a part of you regret it? No. Uh...

I mean, I would probably work on it a little bit more. Like, you know, I think my lesson is... I wrote it at 4 p.m. That's why I have a paper in my hand. So maybe don't treat the Kennedy Center as your open mic as your new material night. Well, it was powerful enough to get by without being super punchy. I think so. And I think also it was... It kind of came and went. Like, I think there's a six-day news cycle. And if you can...

find a way to shut the fuck up and just keep your phone away and not counter the void for six days, you'll be okay. Come on, school shooting. Come on, baby. So I just kind of went and in that moment you feel like you're the center of the universe and you're really not. Right, right. And so I think the perspective of the special is that, is that if you can just shut up and lie low, love will find you at the end of it. And then...

I think I discovered just what it means to be a comic. You know, like, it's been a year since that happened. But I'm like, I haven't given one interview. Wow. Haven't been on the news. Never talked about the content. Still don't intend to. Because that's not my honor. It's somebody else's honor to critique the content. And I was like, the first thing I write about it has to be a joke. Hmm. You know, because that's the only option a comic has. Yes. But you were called a terrorist by BBC. Yeah. Really? That's the first joke I wrote. Yeah. It was...

is March and it happened in November. - You're our first terrorist on the show. - Thank you, man. - Hey. - Not your last. But then I think March I finally wrote down, like I was on the homepage of the BBC and the BBC had a headline that said, "Comedian Polarizes the Nation."

do you know how badly you have to fuck up before the British say that you divided them? That's a good joke. And then I'm like, okay, this is the joke that doesn't paint me as a victim, addresses that there's a fuck up, and hopefully makes both sides, however you felt about it, laugh. And I'm like, maybe that can be the tone

That's the goal of a comic is to unify people in the room and everyone laughs at it, right? And break that tension. But it's always so much pressure when you have this big looming thing and you're like, I got to write a bit about it. Well, dude, I got some strength from just watching Chris Rock, for instance. In two weeks of what happened to him, he's like, if you want to hear about my stuff, come see my special. Yeah. But I'm not going on Oprah and I'm not doing any of that stuff. So I was like, okay, just shut up.

and write jokes yes and it's also you build it for your people not their people yeah you go and your audience will be supportive and i mean and your audience grew like crazy from this right it did yeah it did i think you almost have to do something it's not in a way i would recommend it's a very stressful way to to gain traction so i wouldn't recommend it but i think i don't know who said this but maybe it was louis ck or someone he was like if you let somebody who's never coming to see you

fuck with your head long enough that you are not 100% but like 80% for someone who is coming to see you you're being unprofessional I agree with that you know so whoever is coming to see you you owe them to send them home flying on a cloud and

And I'm like, I just have to concentrate on making sure my brain is okay to write jokes for big or small, whatever that crowd is coming to see me. Here, here. It's crazy because some, I mean, look, you see the difference in countries here, like in America, we really, we complain about censorship, but like we get away with a lot. Oh yeah. But I think you have your own version of it right here. Like for me, that's par for the course in like a newer comedy market.

In India, so many people were watching stand-up and now so many more people are coming in and that's going to be a first time reaction. So not knowing how to react to darker material or edgy material or political material. And you got to kind of welcome them and say, okay, every reaction is a valid reaction.

In America, I think because you've been doing it a little bit, you know, you're like, but why this? Because everybody knows what stand up comedy protocols are. Right. And now you guys are pivoting to a situation where the audience's voice is as loud as you guys. I know. I hate that. Which is it's a tough pivot. It's a bummer. You know, I will acknowledge. Well, that's just Twitter, right?

Yeah. Everyone's got a voice. They're yelling out stuff a lot. They yell stuff out, but it's like, it almost keeps you sharp. But isn't that something that the two of you, I always see your clips, is it like a section of your show when you're done with material and you're like, okay, now you can talk to me? Yeah. Usually that's what I do. By the way, we should get a drink out here. Akoy, you're...

Subbing in for the beer juice this week. You better believe it, Fanny. Yay. Because you're a Guinness drinker, right? I'm a Guinness drinker. Thank you, sir. Thank you, boys. You know, I went to Dublin to do a festival, and they're like, you got to get the Guinness in Dublin. It's amazing. Same? Exactly the same. Totally the same. No difference. Cheers. Mazel. First terrorist. Hopefully you don't bomb. No problem.

That's pretty good. I like a Guinness. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Guinness is a good, it's a good like first beer. You go to the bar, you start with a Guinness and then you kind of move on. Really? That's a meal right there. Like, you know, I think they say like the average Guinness is like four slices of bread. Really? Don't tell that to him. He doesn't eat bread. What? I'm off bread. Since when? About three days.

No, no. I've been doing it about a year. And you're happy? I feel better, yeah. I mean, I love pizza. I love sandwiches. I love pancakes. But I just feel cleaner. And you don't do like one day a week where you go all out or something? Like a rock cheat meal or something? Nah, nah. It's crazy to me. We'll break it every now and then. Me and him will get some waffles or something. But it's like once a month. Yeah.

We have this in Bollywood movies. We have the six pack diet. You know, in a Bollywood movie, there's six songs, right? And typically for one of those songs, maybe your shirt is off or whatever. And that's brutal as hell because that's six weeks, no carbs. One week, no salt. What? Two days, no water. What? No water? And so you're drinking like cold green tea.

Just to keep yourself like some liquid, but it passes through you quicker and everything will just crunch up. You will look amazing. Really? But you will have the strength of an ant. So to dance in that moment or to do like an intimate scene in that moment is insane. Right. But you look damn good on camera. So if you guys ever have to take your shirt off on screen for anything. Well, he takes it off all the time. Yeah.

I keep it on out of respect for all the children out there. I don't want them to look at my patchy, hairy Jew body. It'd be weird if you did your act. Oh. Wrong guy. Yeah. That was me last week. You look great, dude. Then I ate some bread. And, uh...

Pakistani, for the record. Did he have to do that, though? Because I've read conflicting accounts where they were like, Kamal, you don't have to go this far. And he's like, no, I'm going to keep going. I bet Marvel's paying for it, right? Yeah. If you're on their dime, then it's kind of cool to just get shredded. And he's always an extra mile guy, even with his comedy. He always went hard, yeah. Hey, Pammo, what are you doing here? Hello.

She works with V or Hey, Pam. Oh, I didn't know you guys were working together. Yes. I thought you popped in. I feel like you're mad at us right now. That's her general vibe. All right, sit down. You're making us nervous. We're in trouble? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What were we talking about? Bollywood. Bollywood, yeah. So have you done those movies? I've done, I've been in 14 Bollywood movies. What? Yeah, man. Holy shit. You're a vet. Huh? I'm a vet, yeah. What's the difference between that and- Two of them were good. Well, you do those, and then you do the Netflix movie that Judd made. What's the difference between those? Oh, cash. And also, I mean, Bollywood's a different kind of tone of acting, and it's much tougher.

You know, because Bollywood, you have to reach an audience that is so gigantically broad. Right. And also, you know, I say this often, but don't think of a Bollywood movie as, you know, you giving two hours to a movie. Think of a Bollywood movie as those are the only two hours you get.

In the week. So like for me and my family, like Sunday morning, the only time we got, because everybody works hard, was two hours. The entire movie, the entire family went out for a movie. So it's got to be big and bold and escapist and have a little bit of everything. If you show a spotlight, we're going to kill ourselves. Right. Broad as hell. Broad as hell. And just really magnanimous. You need to take me out of my life.

It's like a road comic. You got to kill for everybody. Yeah. Or like your Marvel movies. Right. I think that's, Marvel is your Bollywood. Ah, yeah. A lot of six packs. Yeah. Revenge stories, ridiculous costumes. Yeah, beautiful hair. Everybody's coming back to life. Beautiful hair. Do you get to play badass in any of these? Yeah, I played a serial killer two years ago. I played a comic who was a serial killer.

Damn. Just like a shitty comic who needed to strangle someone right before he went on stage to get the juice. But then he goes viral and he gets a weekly show. So now he has to strangle somebody every week. So bodies start piling up around this film set and nobody can figure out that it's the lead guy. A comic who goes viral. How do you prepare for this that happened in your life? This is crazy. Well, we had a serial killer comic, didn't we? Bud Champ.

Really? I think he was a rapist. I don't think he was a killer. Oh, I thought he killed people. Did he? Never mind. But they found him because of his tour dates. They noticed somebody was getting fucked over in every city. Oh, this is like his Andrew Tate pizza box. He's in Romanian prison right now, right? Is that right? Was he not out? I would imagine he was going to jail in a T-shirt. He's still in. What?

Yeah. The thing is, he is a kickboxer. He's probably holding his own in there. Oh, yeah. And that comic was not a serial killer, but a serial rapist. Okay, sorry. And he got caught because the women's stories started coming together because after he would rape a woman, he would say, pray for me. And then they would say, pray for him. He had a catchphrase. What?

That was his good or done. As opposed to, what color is your Bucati? He was a clean comic, too, I think. They're always clean. Clean guys. Cosby, Nate Bargatze. Wow. We love you, Nate. Regan. Gaffigan. No, they're all not. Seinfeld fucked me in the ass. You know that Johnny Fawcett? What's the deal with buttholes? Sorry.

Wait, I cut you off there. No, I was just saying Johnny Carson. Oh, yeah. He was apparently a big asshole. Oh, yeah. A lot of hitting the ladies. Really? A lot of throwing whiskey glasses at staff. Allegedly. Allegedly. I just heard he was hung. Allegedly. Really? That's the rumor. It's weird that a guy from Mumbai across the universe knows about Johnny Carson's dick. His massive dong? Yeah. All right. Epstein was hung too. But...

No, he wasn't. In prison. Oh. Wow, I'm an idiot. Thank you. No, because the whole doc, they're like, he's got an egg-shaped penis. That's right. Remember that? Yeah, yeah. Amen, Ari. Look, we got a bulge. Now that eggs are harder to get, is an egg-shaped penis a little more attractive? I don't know what an egg-shaped penis is. I'm just imagining foreskin. Yeah, a lot of foreskin. Yeah.

Very thick. But yeah, the Bollywood guys, man, the hair. Indians got the hair. We have the hair. Whitey, I thought, had hair on lock, and then Bollywood came along and you guys took the trophy. But isn't it a trade-off to just have hair later in your life as well? Sure. I'd rather have hair longer everywhere in my body for the rest of my life than kind of lose it early and then not have it on my head later on. Of course, but you guys should have a hairy-off.

Are you a really hairy guy? You got those Robin Williams forearms I see right there. God's been kind though. I have forearms and legs, but like chest and junk is okay. Let's go, boys. Lift him up. That's weird. That's not a sweater.

No, I'm a hairy guy. Oh, yeah. It's coming out of the top. What do you... Oh, yeah. Do you do things about it? Or are you... I complain. Yeah? But you're not going like man waxing or something like that? Come on. Who has the time? I've done that for a movie. Really? The full body. I did it for a movie, too. It was on YouTube. Yeah. And... No, I had a girl make me shave my chest...

in like college and I was like oh that's yeah she wants it shaved I'll do that and then like later I was like I felt like violated yeah that she did that to me and also when the stubble comes out and just everything itches and then she's red because you're lying down on top of her and basically exfoliating her I hope that's why she's red yeah you're a jufa yeah Jewish loofah alright that was a stretch my dad was super hairy and he shaved his chest one day and I lost all respect for him damn it like hurt our relationship

Yeah. Because he was less of a man. I think as a kid, I couldn't look up to him. You just think, like, would fucking Bogey ever do that?

Would Humphrey Bogart shave his chest? No. What about pubes? Where are you guys at on the- A trim. A trim? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I like to do it on the road too. So do I. That would be their problem. Yes, put that pube everywhere. But what's your disposal thing? Are you kind of just leaving it in the shower? No, no, I do it over the toilet. I try to make as little mess as possible. And it never works, right? No. It's always like- There's a sprinkle. There's always stray stuff somewhere or the other in the bathroom. And why is there always a pube at the urinal?

I know I sounded like Seinfeld there. But there's always a pube at every urinal. I go to the airport, there's like six pubes. And what's with these glory holes? The walls are so thick. I leave them in case I get lost. Your breadcrumbs? Yeah. I'm off. This is a nice midday beer. Yeah, it's a little warm though, huh? What's going on here? Have you guys had a Guinness Black yet? What? A Guinness Black. We don't care for them. All right. No.

No, Guinness black is a Guinness but with black currant syrup. Whoa. So the entire thing becomes purple and it's like a sweet Guinness. Really? It's really tremendous. Well, we got to get that on the list. I've never heard of it. What's the one with black and tan? What is that? That's... Whiskey and Guinness or something. No, I think it's Yingling and Guinness, isn't it? Then there's a Stormy Daniels. No, Dark and Stormy. Oh, yeah. That's rum, though, I think. That's rum. What's in the... What is that? Guinness and what? What do you got there, Sally? Cider. Cider? Yeah.

Don't you guys have your, oh, that's your whiskey, right? Oh, yeah. Our whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. I launched a beer this year. Oh, yeah? Did you? It's called Fuck It. I like it. Is it really called Fuck It? Yeah. How do you spell it? F-A-A-A-A-K-I-T. Oh.

That's how I got around the thing. But the idea is you had a good day, fuck it. You had a bad day, fuck it. That's good. I like that. Is it an Indian pale ale? No. I was like beer alienates women and young adults. And there's this sort of macho beer culture. And I want a beer that's halfway between beer and cider. So it's not sweet, but it's kind of like a...

Drink it at 11 a.m. Don't get fucked up kind of a beer. Right, right. So it's called the Happy Beer and it's just called Fuck It. Get it online. I respect the people that will just get loaded on the flight. That's my beer. Good for you, man. You're hustling, right? This is great. Said the two guys with the studio and a whiskey in front of them. Wow. We're going overseas, though. Yeah, we're going to... It's going to get there. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, but it's coming, man. This is a hustle, but, you know.

And we got merch now. Oh, yeah. People are loving the Bodega Cat whiskey merch. We're cooking. I've tried so hard to be a guy who can handle or have a palate for whiskey. And I think my dad is a single malt guy. And then I just had a single malt and coke once in front of him. And he was just like, fuck off. You're never touching my whiskey ever again. Wow, yeah. That's a bad move. Because I did like a Lagerwoll in 26. Oh, yeah.

Or something with like Pepsi or something like that. Oh my God. No. Yeah, they get mad. A lot of people get mad if you put an ice cube in there. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'll do it like one cube sometimes because I like it a little chill. Yeah, let alone tab.

Whatever the fuck you put in there. Do you guys have an RC Cola and Glen Meringue? Have you guys done the factory tour ever? Like one of these, because you go to Scotland and they take you around, right, to these whiskey places? Yeah, the distilleries. I did the Heineken Brewery in Amsterdam. What a racket. Don't ever go, oh my God, it was so cheesy and touristy. Why? Well, it's the original brewery. It's like right on the canal, so it looks cool. Then you go in, they hand you a beer, and they're like, these are malts.

This is hops. See you later. That's it? Yeah, it's like so shitty. It's 40 bucks. Don't go. Big waste. That feels like the Hershey's store in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I went to that. Which I've done, which is another fucking racket. Because Hershey's, I'm sorry, America, not great chocolate. Hey, don't you dare. I'm just saying, you know, compare Hershey's to like Lindt.

or Belgian chocolate or German chocolate or really any chocolate. You know, it's okay. I had a good time there. I never did that tour. You know what's underrated? The Pez. Pez Museum is unbelievable. Really? Yeah. Why? It was just great. It was just so well done and it's a cool layout and they got all the old Pez from the 20s and the 30s. Really fun. Maybe I didn't... It's always about where you were on the road and I was in Hershey, Pennsylvania. So I was like, oh, this is great. Yeah.

Yeah, right. It's better than the shows I'm doing in the fucking motel. Yeah. I was literally like in the shittiest, I was like oogling a La Quinta across the street like I would kill to be there. In this dump, just bombing with Anthony DeVito. Just crying, eating a Hershey, hitting bed. I was in Amsterdam and, uh,

I was on tour and the girl I was with, we had space cakes. Oh yeah. And the guy at the counter was like, just have one. And I'm like, fuck this. We bought like two each and had two space cakes each. And we were staying at the Amstel Hotel on the Amstel River.

We walked up and down the river for four hours looking for the river. Whoa. Just finding people like, have you seen the Amstel River? And they're like, it's right fucking behind you. And then we got kicked out of the Museum of Medieval Torture. I went to that too. Right? Just because we were taking photos like in the guillotine. Yeah. It was like, fuck off.

So we got kicked out of that. That wasn't a bad museum. You know, none of that shit is real, by the way. What? They build all of that stuff. Like there's 17 of those museums. It's like a Madame Tussauds. Like they manufacture the guillotine and just age it up to look old. You know, same thing with the Holocaust Museum. It's not real. It's not real. It's crazy. I went in and I was like, I thought this was a... There's a guy called Alex Jones at the start. Welcome. Kanye will be your tour guide. I love the five people who are like, was that a joke? Is that...

No, it's, you've been here for a while though. It's like, what cities are you liking versus not liking? I like, okay, my favorite club, we were talking about this, but it's Zany's Nashville. Yeah.

Yeah. It was there today. Strong Indian population, which I need. Yeah. You need your safety net. But then there's enough comedy fans who will be like, okay, if he's at Zany's, he's probably good. And we'll go and see whoever the guy is. Right. So like that. And you have jokes. So even if a random honky goes in there, you're still going to laugh. Hopefully. Uh,

There was a couple things I didn't understand on the India thing, but that's literally an India speech. Yeah, exactly. But no, I'm not at Zany's Nashville giving profound speeches. That would not be a great evening. It's too India. Some kind of cowboy hats. Like, I don't know. Buy my beer koozie at the end. You guys like cows, right? Um.

I love Chicago. I think it's a great comedy town. I think second best comedy town in the country. New York number one. I did take my last special there. I love Chicago. And then New York. The Cellar. The special was at Skull Ball. But I've done Town Hall a bunch of times. It's a good crowd. How do you feel when you first started working at The Cellar? Is The Cellar known to Indian comics? No. It's known to comedy fans. But for me it's

I mean, I want to get better at tennis by playing tennis with people who are better than me. So for me, the cellar is where the best comics are. And it took a while, I'm not going to lie. When I first started working at the cellar and putting it out, there'd just be a lot of Indian people, right? And a lot of the comics are like, there's a lot of brown people in the audience tonight. That was Kevin Brennan. And then you kind of build your cred a little bit. Hell yeah.

That's the thing about New York is I think you need the comics to like you first and then the industry catches on. I think it happened because I followed Chris Rock in McDougal Street. I was in the basement and Liz was there and we were all bumped and I just kind of watched his new hour and then she was like, they didn't drop the check yet. So go up and do five. Oh, yeah.

And so I went up and did five. And until then I was guy from India who sells Indian tickets.

And then I followed strong. That can be a good spot. It can be. It's a great spot, by the way. People shit on it, but the crowd is so zoned in when you go up. And also, they're playing with house money. If they're from out of town, they just saw Chris Rock. Let's give the next guy a shot. And you're the underdog. So you get to go up and go, guys, I'm trying here. And if you address it, then the crowd is immediately on your side as well. Exactly. So I followed.

And then I think she made me do it like three nights in a row or something. So that was fun, too. But then, you know, I was at the comics table, I think, from that point on. Did Chris watch at all? No, I think he's out of it. He's out. But new stuff is great. It's great. He's got some killer new. I can't wait to see what he does about the Oscars. I haven't seen it yet. I've seen it. I cannot wait. It's pretty great. Yeah, he keeps it silly, which is fun. Because you can tell he's angry about it, but it's very playful.

Well done. Sometimes you need that distance and I mean he's one of the best at taking serious shit and making it silly and fun you know. He's doing it live which is Yeah what's that about? It's such a good idea. You think so? Regan did it on Comedy Central a couple years ago remember? Yeah the Comedy Central. I mean it'll be a strong live show but like

I've been talking about this a lot as well. Like, I think a stand-up special is very different from a live show in that I think a special is a piece of cinema. I really do. Because, you know, I've been waiting forever to have a box on Netflix that is the same size as Martin Scorsese's box. Right. And the only thing I'm competing for is attention. So I do think a special now has to be filmic.

and have like a three act structure and have silliness and discomfort and a bunch of stuff in it as well. And so to see him do that without any safety net of editing or going back or retrospect, et cetera, like he'll have to pre-orchestrate that show. What if Will Smith is in the crowd for the show? Just rushes the stage. He's like, you fucked this up. That'd be a great closer. Yeah.

Bring it all around. But I think you'll be able to do it. I really do. I think so, too. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if anyone can do it, it's him. And, you know, he's been doing it for so long, you know? But I once heard him say at the cellar table, a new special needs a new feature, you know? It should be like an iPhone. It should have a new feature. And that's... So I think he...

looks at specials like something new should be structurally. Yeah. He always says that that's not a special. That's a normal. So he's always trying to do some weird thing. But sometimes those can go too far. Like I didn't think the Johannesburg thing was that

I would have rather just seen a special throughout. Yeah, I felt like it gave away the trick a little bit. Yeah, yeah. But the material is still great, but it's just... Yeah. It's not my... Of his work, it's not my favorite. Same. Well, I mean, this special... I know what you're saying in terms of a new feature. Like, I saw...

a clip from the Prestige, remember that Nolan movie? - Yeah. - A two and a half minute clip, right? And it's where Michael Caine is talking about this, the pledge and the turn and the prestige and to get from the turn to the prestige, you need misdirection. So like, that's what I base this entire special on. - Whoa. - Where I'm like, I'm gonna arrive and you're gonna see some sand and I'm gonna pour it on and you're not gonna know what that is and that's my pledge.

And then at some point I'll keep showing you cuts of shoes that you don't understand, like random shots of shoes, which is misdirection. And then at the end of the special, I reveal that it's all Indian sand. Yeah. That I'm standing on Indian soil. So you can make fun of India. So I can make fun of India. So in the special, whenever I'm making fun of America, I'm on American soil and India is Indian soil. But I don't reveal it until like minute fifty five.

Well, she sure you want to say it here? Yeah, it's fine. It's been out long enough. Okay. But what about... We'll call it Sandy Hook. Wait, was that real? According to the museum, no. Oh.

Remember when people said that there were crisis actors? That was Alex Jones. Yeah. Does that mean there's crisis actor agents? She was in Pulse nightclub shooting. This is a star right here. I've been dying to make this movie. I met a Mossad guy in Singapore. And he was telling me that when Mossad conducted assassinations, they would hire actors to

and within like a one kilometer radius they would write scripts for every one of their actors. So if it's just like man and woman walking down the street with a baby they'd write down an entire scene for them. Whoa. So they'd hire film script writers and

To write scripts for the crowd during an assassination. Wow. That's a fucking movie. That's like Truman Show. Right. A failed script writer gets hired by Mossad or something to like script assassinations. Wow. Do those people know they're in an assassination? Are they also Mossad? Or are they just like they hire actors? They hire actors. Damn. Those are good actors. They'll populate the entire area with actors who are basically doing lines. Wow. Damn.

I mean, that's below gay porn, even. You've got to really be struggling as an actor to take that gig. Because, you know, as scripted content goes, gay porn. I don't know, though. You can at least show your parents a tape of this. Ah, good point, good point. It's on the news. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, does India, and this is an ignorant question, but do you, you know, you see the Bollywood, it's very broad, it's very big, music, dancing. Are there, like, Indian Saving Private Ryans? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

bulk of Indian movies are not the big Bollywood spectacles. I think that's what gets noticed. The only two Indian things that get noticed over here are sort of big spectacle stuff and then just sort of struggle movies. So Lion and Slum, they put tales in all of them. And those movies get noticed over here. Are movies like that well received in India as well? Because 99% of India is...

a flourishing, modern, successful country that wants a seat at the table, you know? And so, like 99% of movies talk about that, but you don't really see that so much. Interesting. And then you have like,

I don't know. If you ever get a chance, please watch the trailer of a movie called Basmati Blues, which exemplifies everything. It's a wreck. It's where Brie Larson... One of my favorite Indian actresses. Right. Wonderful. A white lady comes down to India and teaches us how to make rice. Oh, no. We're doing that now? So is it good? Actually good or shit? No, it's terrible. Oh, that's embarrassing. What about...

There's part of your special where you... Oh, yeah. Hold on. Let's watch this first. Let's see. Oh, I like that other one, though. Yeah. Oh, boy. You know she was so excited for this role. I'm going to be a hero. She's like, oh, no. Dysentery. The sequel in North Korea was even worse. I don't even like leaving my own neighborhood.

Oh, man. I'm sorry. Even the crisis actors turned this one down. Ah, this is cringy. You've got to put a Juno soundtrack in an Indian movie, right? We've got the cool, hot Indian guy. There's going to be some interracial love here.

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Okay. That's Indian garb. So you're talking about, in the special, you're talking about, there's a line you have where you say, you know, hate is yell, but love is felt. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's like, that was kind of a profound line, you know? I mean, because you've dealt with so much shit. Yeah. And you talk about...

feeling suicidal in this nice hotel. Because you were nominated for an Emmy the same night that you called a terrorist. Mixed feelings. Yeah, mixed feelings. Rough night. Rough night. Bittersweet. But I tried to do a suicide bit that kind of got to the laugh really quick. Yeah. And I didn't end up... But were you really that low? Yeah, man, for sure. But I mean, oh, suicidal comedian, you're really special. Let's be honest. So what I will say is...

that aside, any day you get to tell people your problems on Netflix is a pretty good goddamn deal. Life's all right, right? Good point. But I think that's part of it as well, that if you...

hate is always going to be louder and it's always going to trend and it's always going to be number one and it's very easy to assume that that's all the feedback coming at you and that's what now paints you. And then you discover that most people are sensible and want to pay their bills and go to bed at night and will not go out of their way to yell love at you. But then suddenly...

Eight months later, when you go out on tour again, they'll come and buy your ticket and they'll come and see you with genuine empathy and they'll be fucking awesome about it. Yeah. But you just kind of have to hang out and wait for the light to hit you. Yes. You know, that's a journey. There is a weird, I know it's a quote, but it's a fine line between love and hate. It's so true. If someone hates you that much, they got to care about you. Yeah. A little bit. Because some people are like, what do you, you hate this group? You're like, I don't even think about that group.

I don't care about the group enough to hate it. Yeah. Well, I think of that Howard Stern line from Private Parts where they say people that hate you listen for twice as long. Yeah, where they say people that like you listen for an hour and a half. How much do people hate you listen to? Two hours. Right. And they both want to hear what you're going to say next. Yeah. But I find that on either side, you know...

professions of hate or love say more about the person than they do about the person they're talking about. Here, here. Oh yeah, when someone is writing really hateful shit to me on social media, I'm just like, this is you. This is not... For me to elicit this...

I'm going to guess you're not in therapy. Right. I'm going to guess you're not someone who tapes a hard look. It's easier to hate outward than to look inward. Totally. Totally. And I also think hate or love, large expressions of it, come from a certain loneliness. You're like sort of going, is anybody else with me on this and can we be part of a tribe together? We do it all the time. You're in the bank and someone's taking forever in line. You look for someone to make eye contact with to be like,

This guy, huh? Yeah. This fucking ass. We're all just looking for the connection. Yeah. But also, you ever have a guy say something really mean on Twitter and I'll like it and they go, ah, I'm sorry, man. I was fucking around. I love you. And you're like, he just crushed me for a second. But 99% of those guys, if you met them on the street, would be really cool as well. I know. I know.

I'm not arrogant enough to say like I don't read the comments or it doesn't get to me. It totally gets to me. And I will go down a rabbit hole of, you know, cringe, sort of all the hatred and all of that stuff. I will go down that rabbit hole. I regret writing those. But also you talk about the difference when people in America talk about getting canceled by like a Twitter mob and you're like, I'm on the fucking news. Yeah. I mean, that's... But again, like...

Who said this? The worst thing that ever happened to you is the worst thing that ever happened to you. So I wouldn't judge an American comic book. I think that was Cosby also. Right. Why do we keep going from me to Cosby? I can't help it. He's in the news again. I can't stop. People are going to that tour. It's like selling out. Is it? You better bring a pillow and a butt plug for that one.

Is he going to talk? I've talked to a bunch of black comics. He's going to talk about it. He's going to be on stage like, so the first bitch testified. Yeah, I'm sure. I've been away. This is going to be weird. Just downtime. But no, I don't judge anybody harshly for that. It's a joke, right? Where it's cute that you complain about cancel culture. I do think the, oh, can I say this or can I not say this bit?

that all comics were now doing, that's going to outrun its time. Agreed. Just say it. Also, you're saying it. Yeah, you are. And also, I think I don't know where the line is and thinking about it is going to drive me insane. So how about I'll do the joke and you let me know where the line is. Yeah. And then you did the two India speech. You're like, that was the line. That was the line. But no, I'll work with you from that point on. Yeah. I'm not...

Any feedback is good feedback. As long as it doesn't translate into hate or threats is good feedback. If people can actually have it. The problem with the Twitter and stuff like that is there's no nuance and there's no attempt at a dialogue. There's actually a conversation to be had. Then it can be enlightening and interesting. Not cancel culture, counsel culture. Yeah.

Ooh. But I agree. You are jet lag. That's a good thing to say when someone gives you feedback after a show. I should have confetti. But you're right about the audience shows you where the line is, and that's all good and well. But...

Let me learn where the line is and then don't ruin me for trying to find where the line is. That's my thing. I think artists deserve the opportunity to be imperfect without systems coming crashing down on them. For merely imperfect art. And for you, it built your audience. I mean, it made you. Right. You went through this, you know, kind of traumatic thing that now you are playing bigger venues. I am. And also, it's a weird thing, right? Because you're not going to.

Come out on stage because now people are coming out to see you with a slightly more emotional connection. They are. And they're invested in your story. So you cheat them if you don't talk about it as well. Sure. It's the first thing they're thinking when they see you is, I know what you've gone through. I was kind of with you on it. So you do have to talk about it.

But my rule was very simply, the first word I say about it has to be fucking funny. I love that. You know? That's great. Otherwise, I'm not a comic. Yes. Here, here. I'll tell some of the comics working today that. Will you? Jesus Christ. We get it. You were molested. No, let's talk about all of it. One of my least favorite one-man shows, by the way. You were molested. That's the other thing I was talking about with somebody is, you know, comedy is now

I think comedians are learning to play the camera a little bit. Sure. You know, because like a special is like here, you know, it's not a big theatrical show. So sometimes you see a special where a comic is talking about something very intimate, but he's like, my dad died. Right. He's trying to reach like the third layer of the audience with the cameras right there. Right. Right. I think we're learning now to just kind of be like, my dad died.

you know, and keep it in. But I also think breaking through, like you're, to India's broke. That kind of what broke you. And that's pretty standard. Like you've done specials before that. I mean, but, but, but this, but this took it to another level. More than any of this stuff. It's like, you can't predict stuff. I know during the pandemic, I was depressed and wanted to do standup. So I ended up, um,

Like grabbing a speaker and a microphone and climbing up a hill to a forest near my house in Goa. And 35 people would come out and we'd sit in the sunlight and do stand up at 3 p.m. Yeah. With a PA that I set up myself. Yeah. And I did five YouTube videos about the world as such. So they were about cancel culture, freedom of speech, privilege in the West, comedy versus religion and death. Right. And the idea was, can I create...

Five or ten pieces of comedy that are, you know, about the world. Those five videos moved the needle more than like three Netflix specials put together. Really?

There's no predicting what people... Also, people needed content, too. I did a few videos in Central Park. I'm bombing under a tree with seven people sitting on the grass. And that one did well, too. Because it was just like, this is what they're going through? Man, these guys are diehards. I think it showed people how much we need it. Well, a lot of people dropped off during the pandemic. Yeah, good riddance. It got rid of some of those people that weren't going...

They weren't willing to do anything like that. Right. So you're a real comic. But the point is, you just don't know. You can shoot the most expensive special in the world. You can... Which you don't need to do, by the way. You don't need to do that. When certain comics would tell me how much they spent on a special, I was like, you do realize that all you really need is you and the mic. Yeah.

Yeah. We don't need a fucking swinging shot from a chandelier, you know? It's like a bit much. Work on the act more than the production. What about... How scared were you when you were home? I mean, how... Not so much. Really? I think we had a... It's not my first rodeo, you know, in terms of... I've been doing this a while. And also, I think you... When you have a... You know, God's been kind, so you have a larger audience. It's par for the course. So I was scared, but I was more scared for...

a family that hadn't signed up for this. You know, like my wife. I'm like, I want to make sure they're okay. That's tough. You know, I'm very privileged so I have a good legal team. You know, we'll be okay in that sense. What did your wife say when this happened? Did you run the speech buyer before? Yeah, my wife heard it at like 4 p.m. because I literally wrote it at 4 p.m. and then we found a wedding photographer who was unemployed on a Sunday and he shot it. Whoa! Good job, Salacuse. But my wife, I was like, should I do this? And she's like, yeah,

That's a good wife. What could happen? I love that. She's been a trooper, man. It's not been an easy nine months, but she's, you know...

We've hung in there. But it makes you hotter. It's like sexier. You're like a bad boy. No, no, no, no, it's not. No, it's not. Come on. Whip it out. Whip it out. Sorry. Guy lying in bed like, I think I fucked up. It's not sexy at all. No. No. Good point. Good point. You're just the hotel. How'd you let me do this, you bitch? Yeah.

No, women need safety, security, and some level of masculinity. Yeah. You know, so yeah. For sure. I hear you. Well, I'm working on that last one. But Bill Burr, he did the Philly rant and he walked off stage and he goes, well, my career's over. And then that's what propelled it. Have you seen that, the Bill Burr? I have, yeah. But again, like I thought my career was over three times. Oh. You know, so I once did a Bollywood movie that was like a...

Like an American pie sex comedy kind of a romp and it's called Masti Zadeh. And it's... You guys may know her, may not, but her name is Sunny Leone. And she used to be a porn star and then she became a Bollywood actress and it was me and her. Pull it up. And it was this gigantic studio movie that I was packaged as one of the two leads. And...

blatantly a movie that everybody did for cash and would not watch. And the phone stopped ringing for a good year. What was like the peak gross out scene? You said it's like an American pie. They fuck a pie. I'm guessing you didn't fuck a samosa. So like what's the gross out scene in the movie? I think I humped a horse. Really? Yeah.

You humped a horse? I think I humped a horse. Yeah. So it's just me and a guy behind me, and he's kind of humping me while I hump a horse. And the tail is like flapping me in the face. And I was like, yeah, I went to drama school. I don't know. You're kind of selling it. I can sell this. I'd like to watch this. I kind of want to see it. We have a movie called Horse. It's very different where a guy humps a horse. No, that's not the one. Don't click that. No.

So, no. And Freddy got fingered. He jerks off an elephant, doesn't he? That's right. And a horse. And a horse. But M-A-S-T-I-Z-A-A-D-E. But the point is, at that moment in time, you're like, yeah, I deserve this. It's going to be a dip, and then hopefully in a year, I'll find it and we'll come back. You've got to find these kind of ebbs and flows. Yeah. Did you read your wife that script at 4 p.m.? No, no, no, I did not. No, no. But...

What was the porn star like? She was amazing. Really? She's intelligent, funny, fucking amazing. All right. Yeah. Musty Zod. Yeah, we shouldn't dwell on this. All right, all right. We'll move on. But it's fucked up they call you Musty. Yeah. But...

Oh, wow. Look how big this is. It's so... It's magnanimous, right? Yeah. There we go. Guys, I'm going to pull up. All right, all right, all right. I want to see a little. It does definitely have that American Pie, National Mampoon vibe. Here we go. Oh, my God.

It's like a Harold and Kumar. This looks kind of fun. It is. It's a fun movie. It's just terrible. Yeah, you're telling me. But I'd watch this in a hotel room on a Friday before a gig. Both of you are on tour this weekend. Yes. Fuck the special. I'm watching this. Wow. All right. Well, good for you. You got to take a swing, you know? There you go. Yeah, man. So, I mean, how do you make the decision to be like, I'm going to tour in America?

Musties are there actually. Really? The phone stopped ringing and then I met these guys who were down from an American agency and they kind of found a clip of mine and they're like, we want to sign you so come to LA and take meetings which means give money to Uber and

Get free water. And I showed up and like I had been neglecting stand up. I want to say for like seven years or eight years. How long have you been doing stand up? This is year 16. And I went to the Laugh Factory.

And I had an eight minute spot. And I think I followed Whitney. And she killed hard. I followed strong. And I just kind of fell in love with it again, man. I was like, I feel more fulfilled by this than I have in the last five movies. And I'm like, I'm just going to start working America. So I had them send me out. So I spent a year traveling America. Just kind of see what stand up was doing.

So people in India are just like, why are you in a Days Inn? Yeah, like what clubs, what kind of cities were you hitting? Were you doing weekends? Yeah, I was doing like Charlottesville, Huntsville, Alabama. You know, just doing the road. Stand up live in Huntsville? Yeah, and like improvs. I was with Levity, so improvs were largely what I was playing. Nice. I did Carolines a bunch of times. Yeah. And just kind of. RIP Carolines. We love you. Yeah, man. Damn. There's Indians around.

Yeah, man. Because Huntsville has NASA, so you need smart people. So I just needed to learn what stand-up was again. Yeah. But it's the best. It sucks that it's the gutter of show business. These old actors are like, I'm out of money. I'll go...

tell some stories on stage about those 80s movies i was in is are there a lot of actors doing stand-up oh i feel like it's kind of the lowest pit but like you can make money at this so they're like oh they're agents like you should do stand-up because you can sell the tickets oh i thought when you use a point in your special where you're like you know you're going through all this bullshit and your others your lawyers your agents were like money and you're like my life you know yeah i mean that's like i remember doing a gig years ago uh

it was at the Mall of America in, uh, Minneapolis. And it was a fallout week. And I was like, I needed work, but also like, you know, I was, I was working every week, but like I had an open weekend. They're like, someone just dropped out this weekend and Mall of America, Minneapolis, it's yours. You should do it. And, uh, I was like the same, the same Mall of America that all Shabab just threatened to shoot up this week. Uh,

Maybe that's why I dropped out. They're like, we haven't heard about that. I was like, go to CNN.com. It's the first thing they're talking about. Those are actors. Well, I text Joe List. He goes, if you take it and get murdered, you're officially the dumbest fuck on the planet. Yeah, shit. But you took it. I didn't. Oh, you didn't take it. I didn't. I was like, I'll just do seller spots. I was like, I'll just do the next. I've never played that room. Yeah, it's huge. I think my low was TV shopping.

I've done TV shopping at some point. And you would be surprised how much money it is. Like, it's a lot of money. So you do it because you have no money. Yeah. And then it is literally nine times what you think you're going to get paid. So I get why people started and then stay. But it was literally like, how much do you think this plasma TV costs? Like, send us a message now and we'll give you a deal. I was that guy for a good two months. Oh, I thought you meant shop on a show. No. You're literally selling TVs. Yeah, man. What?

TVs, mixers, necklaces. Like just, you know, you have a shopping channel, right? Yeah, yeah. How was that guy? How many years into stand-up was this? This was maybe four years into a Bollywood career. Oh.

But they probably paid you well to do this stuff. Yeah, man. It's a ton of money. Wow. And they just feel like, we like this guy. He's got this cool TV. We'll buy the TV. That's their logic? No. I mean, the guys who produce it are like, no, his career just died. He should hire him. And then they give you enough to stay. Well, you have a good attitude. I mean, you know, it's... It's like I've hosted a game show, probably. Something like that. I could never host a...

I've been told anytime I've ever hosted anything I come off as sarcastic. Ah, yeah, same. Like I'll do a corporate gig once in a while where I have to emcee and it's a ton of money but then I'm just like, please welcome. Right, right. That's how I was when I used to hand out flyers on the street is people would, they'd be like, this is the fucking level of enthusiasm you have for your show. Yeah. I'd be like, I mean, yeah.

I'm out here five hours in the cold. What do you want from me? Have you guys done the Edinburgh Fringe Festival yet? I turned it down. You have to. Really? Everyone says that. I get some mixed reviews on it. So it's not...

I mean, you will need like a, it depends on what you want. If you want to work out your show, get your ass whooped and have an audience teach you something every night and then watch enough art that pisses you off that it clicks something in your show. Yeah. That's a good reason to do it. But if you're looking to like succeed or PR and all of that stuff, then you need a very narrative based, you know, kind of a show. You have to tell a story. Pam, you're a PR person. Do we have to do Edinburgh?

Thank you. She said no. Big head shake. It's lovely. Yeah, I don't want to do it. I feel like I can get the same workout just doing the road in New York. Or in the country. In this country. It's 29 shows in 25 days. Do a one-man show. A one-man show? No, I'm not. Although, I do have this great show idea about being molested. There you go. It's called Daddy. The diddler.

Yeah, everybody, I mean, it's beautiful. Daddy Diddler. Yeah, Daddy Diddler. Dude, you got to see this show. I loved it. Oh, really? Like, I did, I've never done a full run before. I was in a basement, 90 people in the basement. Yeah.

And for the first two weeks, you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah. And then something happens in the third week where suddenly your whole show changes. Like I went in with the show that wasn't ready and it was ready by the time I came out. Because you just, it's every night. It's every night. But then I was watching like nine things a day. Wow.

That would make me crazy, though. Yeah? It's too much. I wasn't watching stand-up. I was watching every other thing. Yeah. Can you watch stand-up? It's hard. I can. Same. I like it. It's very hard for me to watch stand-up. It's got to be good. It's got to be like, oh, Neil Brennan's got a special. He's a good writer. I'll watch that. I'll watch it here and there, but I don't like watching stand-up. I like to watch movies. That's kind of like my escape because it's not like what we do.

I'm at the club every night. I can see the source. You know what I mean? Right, right. That's true. But every once in a while, I'll see someone new and I'll be like, oh, wow, that was awesome. So that feeling is great when you discover someone new who you like. But isn't that what's great about this profession that on any given fucking night, the...

the kid with five years in can outdo the guy with 30 years in. It happens. And I've been on both sides of that. Sure. You know, where sometimes you're like, I just killed harder than that guy. Then some new twink blows me off the stage. And I'm like, God. Yeah. That's what got Chris Rock so good. You've heard that story. No.

He was off SNL. He was kind of fizzling out. He's doing a gig in the road. Martin Lawrence is opening. Martin Lawrence annihilates. Standing ovation. Roof comes off and Chris Rock comes out there and kind of eats it. And he's like, I got to kick it up a notch. We've all had that guy open for us where you're like, shit. That's why I bring Gary Veeder. Never a problem. Yeah.

No, but we all have had that guy where you're like, what the... Sometimes it's a high-energy comic. The worst is when they're nothing like you. We're all pretty... None of us are high-energy acts. And when you get someone who's a high-energy, like a yeller, and they've got good material, it's like... And they're dirty, too. Like, they've got everything. They've got some gimmicks, maybe a music cue, a dance number. They fall over. Oh, God. The worst. Of course, the first night, you're always kind of like, oh, he did pretty well. Second night, you're like...

He's really kind of burying me. And night three, you're like, give it up for the hack, everybody. Give it up for the fucking hack. On this tour, I did a strange thing where I used single songwriters. So we were in like 47 cities in India. And I was just like, if you're a kid, if you're unsigned, and if you have over a certain amount of views on YouTube, but like under a certain amount as well, where you truly like need the platform, show up.

You'll play while people are sitting down. So the minute house opens, you're on. I'll give you 25 minutes. But I'll film your shit and I'll send it back to you. Hey, there you go. And I think six of those guys have gotten signed. Hey! Look at that. So you're helping out a lot of young comics. But they were singer-songwriters, like folk singers and stuff. Oh, singers. And you'd be surprised...

How cool a vibe it sets. Like if you can walk into a stand-up show and it's not like some obnoxious DJ shit, but it's just like some, you know, John Mayer vibe. Yeah. Somebody's just playing while you sit down. It's a great vibe. Well, Mark and I both used to open for Amy Schumer and she had her brother was in a jazz trio. Oh, that's right. And it set such a good vibe. It was like a very classy thing for people to walk into this major show. Yeah. With, you know, these...

Really good jazz musicians. Killer jazz. I filmed Zarna's set at Caroline's and she had someone playing like a traditional Indian instrument. Oh, really? It opened up for like 15 minutes. That's really cool. Oh, wow. And it did set a cool tone.

I've thought about it. I've thought about it. All the Indian people are fucking loving it. She's a beast, man. Like she opens for me sometimes and you know, and she comes out and my crowd's really young and everybody's like, Oh, Indian auntie. Yeah. She says content under 30 seconds and everybody's like, fuck it. Let's go. She's working so hard too. She's just grinding and grinding. I love to see that. And she's what? Three years in four years. Yeah. Wow. So I,

I don't want to misstate. I think she's under seven years in stand-up. Oh, for sure. You know? Definitely. Which is great for her to be at that level. She'll get a sitcom or something. I mean, she's perfect for that. Yeah. I think so. It's coming. Or Bollywood.

There's no crusher in Bollywood. Sex comedy. Yeah. You know, there is a vacancy now. Musty's on too. I still might do that movie. Well, dude, even Sinatra fucking hit a low point. You got to remember, like, before he did that, what's that movie he won the Oscar for? The man with the golden arm? Venturion and Kennedy? No, the other one. The Burt Lancaster one. Out of Africa. You're very old Hollywood, right? Yeah.

that's your fascination. I love Hollywood. Yeah, so is Mark. And so is Matt, to be honest. I mean, Salamanca. But he won the Oscar for it. He dies in it. What's it called? He's in the military. Yeah, yeah. It's a war movie. Oh, Manchurian Candidate? No. I was watching, have you guys seen The Offer on Paramount Plus? I like it. About the Godfather? I read the book. It's called Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli. Great book. So just the way they do Sinatra in that is hilarious. Really? He was so against the Godfather.

Right. All the gangsters fucking hated it. Yeah. And that Johnny Fontaine is supposed to be Frank Sinatra. Right. So he kept kind of riling up people so that the movie wouldn't get made. And then they had to go sit down with Sinatra and be like, here's why he's not based on you. Then the movie gets made and everybody's like, that's Sinatra. Yeah. Is that a man with a golden arm? Yes? No. You've heard of it. So he won here.

Do you want twice? He's done me one supporting. Sinatra was apparently a big cunt. Like he wouldn't. He was not a good guy. What's her face over Rosemary's baby? Mia Farrow. He was also like 60 and she was 21. I'm like, what are you doing? I know. But like, how do you have a conversation?

I've heard a great story of him slapping a sound engineer in a studio, who apparently was Indian, which is how it got to me, but he was a mix engineer. The Will Smith. And Sinatra goes in, does a take, and he's smoking, and his voice is a little raspy, and he kind of does the entire song in one take. Yeah. And then they're all just like, we need another take. And they send the new guy out to tell Sinatra, you've got to do it one more time. And he just kind of says, come here.

Slaps him across his face and says retakes of the pussies. Whoa Whoa By the way from here to eternity How'd I beat you to that Google bitch what the fuck story here Don Rickles story when he said he did every that time that Frank Sinatra saved my life. He said okay boys. That's enough Damn Rickles is good

Sinatra really was just like a weird character. And he hated Elvis. Speaking of guys coming up who were younger, Elvis was like the hot new thing. And he was like, what the fuck is this? He was like, came up this like, you know, the Hoboken hummingbird. Yeah. This like pretty boy. Then he becomes kind of grizzled and cool. Yeah. And mobby. Did you guys see the Elvis movie? Did you like it? I didn't see it. It was well done. I loved it. Really? Yeah.

Just for personal reasons because I think everybody has a kernel in their life. Like, you know, every artist growing up has that fucking leech that finds you when you're young and you got to shake him off. Oh, yeah. So I was just watching it for that reason. I'm like, I've had seven of these guys in my life. Totally. I had to like move on. It was an early Bollywood film. Early Bollywood. Yeah.

But that's, I think the problem with the Elvis movie, the reason I didn't see it, there's too many biopics. I love a biopic. And there's too many true crimes right now. There's a lot of true crimes. The biopics, I liked, what's his name, Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody was incredible, I thought. Yeah. Although I thought they overdid the teeth. I thought so too. Oh, and also the AIDS when he just said, I got AIDS.

Oh, yeah. You might have to be more specific. I think you're referencing Dick Van Dyke in Harry Poppins or something. But yeah, the Elvis movie was cool, but it was so stylized. I don't know, but it's a cool story. But that's his thing, right? Baz Luhrmann? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mulan Rouge. Is he good?

I think so. But you're right. It's tough. I can't tell if he's good. Yeah, it's like a ladyboy. I'm not going to love Bollywood movies. Sorry, what? What the hell? Baz Luhrmann is a ladyboy, an artistic ladyboy. Yes, exactly. Like, am I into this? I don't know. Kind of. That's how he is. That's my favorite thing about playing like Thailand is just watching old British men

Holding hands with ladyboys, walking through the market, not making eye contact with each other. It's really sad. I got to go to Thailand. Can we take a quick pee break? Oh, come on. I'm dying, dude. I fucking had like four coffees before this. I'll talk shit about you while you go. Keep going. All right. Finally. Okay. Tell me South Africa. All right. Boy, it was unreal. We did Amsterdam first. Did some drugs. By the way.

Don't do mushrooms in Amsterdam. Yeah. They're called... They're truffles. Okay. So some American jumped off a roof on mushrooms, so they made them illegal. I feel like the American might not have needed the mushrooms. I know, right? Yeah. So he jumped off, so now they're truffles. And I was like, oh, that sounds fine. It's probably different over here. And I ate them, and it was hell. Just put me in a bad mood. Big mistake. So Amsterdam was kind of a bust, but then we flew right to Cape Town and had a fucking blast. Yeah.

It is supposed to be magnetically the best energy place in the planet. Is that right? Yeah. Like people say, like just magnetic energy in Cape Town, you will feel better than you feel anywhere in the world. Totally. Well, Amsterdam was rainy and cold. We went to Cape Town, it was sunny and 80 degrees. And, you know, I love segregation. It was great. No, I'm joking. But it was super fun. I mean, the poverty there is bananas. Yeah.

Do you fly into Cape Town or do you fly into Soweto? Fly into Cape Town. 12 hours, coach, because I'm a psycho. Yeah, okay. On which airline? It's called Air Link. Real trash. Okay. Don't do it.

And yeah, we just had a great time. And the Rand, everything's in Rand. And it's so cheap. You know, it's like, that is 450 Rand. You're like, Jesus. And that's like. And they were overcharging you anyway. Yeah, yeah. That's like $38 or something. Did you stay in like Champs Bay or Camps Bay? I stayed right on the harbor, but it was a five minute drive to Camps Bay. We did that every day. And just the sun was out. We'd have beers on the beach. It was great.

And then did you see like big cats and stuff like that? Did you do the safari? I did the safari. We flew to Mozambique and then drove two hours to the jungle. And it was life changing. I grew up in Africa. I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria. Oh, I didn't know that. That's kind of home for me. 17 years. Whoa. Why? Huh? My dad, my parents can smell when I'm happy and then they move me. But when I was, my dad was making tomato pulp.

And pre-cut potato chips in Lagos, Nigeria. Wow. And that's where we are. And then I went to boarding school in India when I was nine. But Nigeria was home for like the first 17 years. Wow. Damn. Do you speak... I speak a little bit of Yoruba and a little bit of like Pidgin English. Boy, you are fucking cultured. Yeah. Jesus. Outsider. Everywhere. Can you do their accent? Like when they speak English? I do it in the special a little bit. Oh, yeah? But like...

It's the pidgin English is kind of English that was spoken so that the English wouldn't know what was being said. You know, so if it is, I'm going to go have some lunch. It's like, I'll go chop now. It's almost like Ebonics. Yeah. Like it's like slang. Yeah. So it's, you know, so that I speak a little bit. Interesting.

Damn. But they're wonderful. Nigeria, I think, is one of the most sort of badass, just energy flying, sexual fun places on the planet. Oh, really? Do you ever go back? Yeah. I go back sort of once every three years. People in Lagos can party, man. It's a hell of a place. And comedy is just getting there. They have a comedy club in Kenya now and I think in Nigeria. Yeah.

But it's coming. So let me ask one question. So what's your type? Are you straight? Yes. Do you like Nigerian women or do you like Indian women? Like what's your like, this is my thing. Cause like, I feel like what you grew up with is what you end up liking. Nigerian and Indian women are very similar. Run hot, very emotional, very intelligent, uh, and don't take shit at all. So they're very similar, but I, uh, I've dated a Nigerian girl and I've married an Indian girl.

Damn. Yeah. Both at the same time. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Wow. Well, it's funny because Indians got hot. You know, growing up in the 80s, it was like top, what was that fucking Johnny Five? What's that guy's name? Johnny Quest. No, no. The robot. Short Circuit. Yeah. And I don't even think he was Indian.

I don't think he was. And then you had Apu. Wasn't that Brownface or something? I think it was. That guy. Yeah, Fisher Stevens. Fisher Stevens. No, I had so many Indian Stevens out there. That was Brownface, guys. This is a Justin Trudeau...

And then you got Cal Penn kind of came in and I think, you know, you got your knee meshes and your veerdasses. Yeah, but Indian women have always been hot. Always been hot, yeah. The problem is the distance between Indian women and Indian men in vanities is gigantic. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, because like...

I don't know, Scandinavian people, the women are as good looking as the men. Would you say that? Right, right. Sure. Whether you find them good looking or not. I prefer the women, but you know. Yeah, but like Indian women are beautiful and Indian men are with them. You got Hasan Minhaj. He's a... He's got a jawline. Disney prince, that guy. Yeah.

Big eyes, big hair. I've never heard of... And that makes so much sense. It's funny when your friend just reveals they find another man very attractive. He's gorgeous. But the guy at Disney Prince is such a specific... Oh, yeah. Well, I think about him a lot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But he's coming on here at some point. We're going to get him on here. Yeah, we got to get him on here. Yeah, he's a sweet guy. He did my other pod. He did my Games with Names pod because we got Mike Bibby on, who's his favorite basketball player. Have you guys had Aziz on? No. You don't think he's a Disney prince, huh? No, no, no. You don't want to see the Aziz cartoon? Aziz doesn't do podcasts. Yeah? Not really. Not really. I mean, we got Colin Quinn on, who really doesn't do podcasts. That's true. And David Tell. And we got a Tell on who's- Both of them Disney princes as well. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I feel like the old man in the tree. I met Atel for 10 seconds at the cellar. That's pretty good. Yeah. He saw me and he was like, ah. And he walked away and I was like, I think that was good. That's good. Yeah. How familiar were you with Atel before coming to New York? I knew, what was that show? Insomniac? Yeah. So that was on when I was in college in the States. So I remember him from that. But I...

I was ignorant to the comedic legacy of him at the cello. He's our goat, kind of. Yeah, and I think at the cello there are these things, right? There's the comedian's table, and then you have to earn your space at that table. So I learned all of that stuff. Right. Well, put a P on it. It's Patel. Yeah. True. He's right there. Yeah, yeah.

Comedy. It was a nice 10 seconds. Everybody thinks that Tell hates him, and he's the sweetest guy. He's just a little fidgety. Yeah. He is like a bodega cat. Mm-hmm. Guy who just keeps working a plug for his product. Yeah. He's grumpy. He's kind of like a cat. Yeah. You know, sometimes you just have to say, fuck it. You know? Yeah.

There we go. Musty's out, everybody. But to tell it was like a cat where you're just kind of like grateful. You're like, all right, pet. And then he just like runs away. Yeah, I got a second with him. Yeah. You just, you got to let him come to you. Like a cat. He's got to rub your leg. I go into like, for me, head movements are everything in terms of feedback. Because, especially with comics and movies,

Even in movies or whatever, if somebody comes out of a screening or somebody comes out of watching you, I find that if they do this, it's sort of up and down, you did good, irrespective of what they say. But if they ever go like... It's ever side to side. They'll say something nice, but you're fucked up. It's always like...

Those costumes. Amazing. Oh, this is a piece of shit. That's so true. Those costumes. You mean my outfit in my special? Seinfeld had that funny bit about how you can tell how bad a relationship's going by how high they touch their face. You know, I was like, how's it going with that girl? It's going pretty good. Or it's like, I got to get out. That's great. That's an oldie. Speaking of bits, our guest has to go on 15. So can we do bits?

Or peeves? Oh, yeah. Do you have any bits or peeves? Any pet peeves? I have peeves. Oh, please. Okay. This is very pretentious, but I do not like a hotel where the staff is cool, like the hotel desk guy is cool and calls you bro. This is a specific one. It's very specific. But you know like, I don't know, Soho House or something. Oh, like the W with the like, hey bro, welcome. I'm like, no. At this price, it's Mr. Das. No.

Shut up and stop being this Instagram person. Yes. I cannot stand that. We're not friends also. Yeah. Like, let's not go right to bro. I'll never see you again. Also, where did that come from? Bro is... I have a bro. There you go. He's my brother. But there are these, like, I think the...

the 60 range of hotels, like 60 LES on the lower east side. Yes, yes. Or like Soho House or the W. Soho's like some cool guy who has as many Instagram followers as you do. Right, right. And it's like, hey man, what's up? And I'm like, no, I cannot do that. I don't know why. Yeah.

What do you think it is? Do you think it makes you feel less cool that he's being cool? Or what is it? It's so not genuine. Not genuine. That's what it is. Yeah. You can just be like, he says that to everybody. Don't make me feel special. That's what it is. I also feel like he would have more fun in that hotel room. Like that's the guy the room is meant for. Right. He's sending me over. That's one. That's a good one. I don't like guys with...

barber done beards. Oh, easy Puerto Rico. If it's way too shaped and way too sharp, I can't do it. I'm with you. Right? Yeah, because it's a narcissism thing. Like you want to look in the mirror for a while and make it perfect.

I'm with you. I like the one side. Yes. I like a DIY beard. I feel the same way about guys who are really into their birthday. Like if a guy doesn't notice it's his birthday, I like that guy. You know, a guy like, oh, yeah, it's my birthday. So if a guy's depressed. Yes. That's my kind of guy. No, but I'm with Mark on this one. When someone's like, it's my birthday week. I'm like, oh.

I guess I gotta come up with seven excuses now. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Where do you stand on gender reveal videos in parties? Because that seems to be uniquely American. I don't know anyone who would do that. So that's the thing where like, it doesn't affect me. Yeah, like there's a lot of deaths with those. Like a lot of shit catches on fire because they always try to be really extravagant. Pull it up.

Yeah, you can't tell if it's blue or... Because it's red now, you know? So by the way, in India, Africa, many other Asian countries, you're not supposed to know, right? The doctor won't tell you.

China, they know. China as well. Well, there's a reason why they're... But like in Nigeria, for instance, the doctor will be like, oh, yeah, no, baby's healthy. Maybe buy a football. Yeah. Okay. But it's against the law. It's a lesbian. I got to pee for you. Hit me. How about this? This has driven me crazy my whole fucking life, and I forgot about it since we've been doing the show, and somebody did it yesterday. Okay.

I had a big question. Somebody got me something. I go, where'd you get that? Or I lost something and they found it. I go, where'd you find that? How'd you do it? He goes, magic. I hate the magic. Just tell me the answer to the question. You know that guy? Like, how'd you get that TV in here? Magic. No. Give me the answer. Do you think maybe that's a guy who just says magic all day? Good morning. Magic. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. How'd you break into my hotel room? Magic. Magic. Yeah. Yeah.

Even magic's not magic. You know, how'd you sell the woman in half? There's mechanics to it. It's not actual magic. But at least they have a reason for saying magic. That's true. That's their job. Right. You're just a fucking jerk-off. Jerk-off. And he walked away. I was like, well, I still want to know, but now I guess I don't know. How about this guy? I'll tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Yeah. Kill me. Just kill me. Kill me right now. Yeah. I hate life that I have to talk to you. I don't like the offer you both meals on the flight when she knows one meal doesn't exist. Ah, yes. That's a great one. Would you like the chicken or the vegetables? I'd like the chicken without a chicken. Bitch, you knew that. And make 80% chicken and 20% veggie. We're all going to want the chicken.

There's going to be a couple of stragglers, but come on. It's like when they do decaf and coffee. Oh my God. That's a peeve. I was in a hotel room once. I get three decaf packets, one regular. In what world does that ratio make a fucking lick of sense? Exactly. I once... Sorry, I got really angry. Yeah, I've never seen you so animated. I had a lot of regular coffee. That's why. There's a hotel called the West End in Bengaluru in India, which is kind of like this old colonial property where...

They'll unpack your bag. Like the guy kind of came in and put my bag down and I went to take a piss and I came back and he was unrolling my socks. What? And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, I'm your butler.

And I'm like, A, I'm an Indian boarding school child. So for me to make a man older than me touch my shoes is like hugely. So don't touch my socks and shoes. Also, like I have junk in that suitcase that you don't need to see. You know, like I have weed in there. I have other stuff in there. He's willing to join. Good evening, sir. Yeah, no, that's crazy. That's very intrusive. This is I'll tell you this. This is great.

sort of Dubai story if you're ever going to Dubai. So in Dubai, if you look like an artist, you get what's called the Dubai check, which is where, you know, if you have piercings, if you have tattoos, they will undo the lining of your suitcase, unroll every sock. It takes an hour at customs to see if you have drugs. And if you...

If you're caught with drugs in Dubai, you're not coming out for a while because they have a zero tolerance policy. Dubai, bye. And I know a musician who plays the guitar and he's been playing it since he was three years old and he had shoes in his bag and underneath the shoes, they found a stubbed out joint. Just like that much of a joint, right? And so he's like, I'm going away for fucking life. And like these guys are making calls because they're like, okay, we got one. Yeah.

And he picks up his guitar and he's like, I'm not going to get to touch a guitar again for the next 20 years and starts to play in the terminal. And all these guys just kind of sit down and watch him play for like 20 minutes and

And they're like, we're letting you go because we've never seen anyone play guitar at this level. Wow. We're putting you on a flight. Get the fuck out of the UAE and never come back. Wow. Brittany Griner should have dribbled a ball. That would never happen with comedy. Hold on. Let me do tight eight. Where are you from? What's up with airline security?

Hey, are you married, sir? They just start beating the shit out of you. Take my guitar, please. I got to peeve. All right, hit me.

Guy who got engaged messages me, who I'm not even close with, messages me. First off, yeah, the engaged already peeved. Just leave me alone. He goes, I got engaged. It's Mark. No, it's a guy who got engaged and he wrote me, you know, we got engaged and we're trying to pay it forward. So we want to set you up with someone. Pay it forward? How about you suck my dick? Oh, like a charity. Yeah, like, we want to help out. You think I want to be set up by your fucking candy ass? Yeah.

When the setup happens, because in India that's like a marriage, right? Yeah, right. Not the same case here at all. Not the same case, but do you only meet at the date then? I guess. I don't know. I said no. Good. You got Raya. You're good. I'm good. You're fine. Is Raya famous people Tinder? It's hot people. And him. And me. Yeah. And Harry Boyz. Harry Boyz. That's the Kevin Spacey novel. Yeah.

But the argument is they know what's good for you better than you do. And he's got engaged, so he's like, I know about coming together. You don't know. I mean, because they know the real you, right? They know you like you can't see yourself. People try to set me up a lot. I try to get set up a lot. You're a catch. Tall, full head of hair, successful comedian.

Or maybe they're like, he doesn't have long, much. He's got about 10 more years of hotness left. Ever since Mark called Hasan a Disney fucking prince. I mean, he's a hunk. He is a hunk. Would you? Oh, yeah. Yeah? You would? Well. I mean, you'd be in the new special then. That's true. That'd be a nice story about you. That's true. So you don't like getting set up at all? I don't like the, it's so much pressure.

I agree. I've somehow, I've never dated dated. Really? Like I've had one terrible first date where I, uh,

I was trying to date a girl before her and I was trying to pick up a girl on the Wednesday before I met this girl on a Friday. And this girl forgot that we were on a date. So, I kind of showed up at her house and she was in shorts and had like a... You know, just a bun on and I was like, are we going out? She's like, can we do this another time? At her front door. So, now this new girl, on the way to her house, I called her 20 minutes before the date and I'm like, are we still on? And she's like, yeah, I'm in the shower. I'll see you in 20. Then...

I forgot to open the door for her. So I ran over to my side of the car. Remember that I forgot to open the door for her, ran around the car.

Then realized that this looked weird, so ran around the car another time. So I ran around the car twice and then opened her door, which I guess she thought was for good luck or some shit like that. You're like, I'm OCD. Had four Long Island iced teas and threw up on her. That was my date. So that's like the last date. Yeah, Long Island iced tea is like, that's a bad drink.

Yeah. But I feel like here, at least in New York, there's protocol, right? Like there's the coffee. Yeah. And then there's the dinner that will not lead to sex. And then there's the dinner where you don't eat, which will lead to sex. Like, isn't that the... I just go drink sex. Yeah? Same night. Yeah, we're adults.

Knock it out. Knock it out. The sex is actually more... You romantic, you. Mark orders your one drink. All right, pick it up. Pick it up. Well, you can tell more about someone from the sex than the dinner, I think. Because the dinner is very phony. Oh, is that right? You have a master's. But the sex is like...

put a lampshade up my ass or whatever, you know? But first sex isn't real sex. That's true. That's true. 56th sex is real sex. Yeah. When she's just laying there, that's the real her. Yes, exactly. Or you get the weird sideways one. That's really lazy. Where you try to be porn stars. You're like, let me put your leg this way and do this. And she's like, what are you doing? Never works. Sorry. Yeah.

Weird ending of this episode. Because we're all thinking about something we tried, right? Yeah, that one. We do have five minutes for bits if you're kicking anything around, Mark. I don't know if I have anything good here. Viu, do you have anything you're kicking around? Like a premise, half-baked. I have one where I'm like, and it's not a great one, but I think, I was thinking about what America does about gun control, and I don't think your guns are going to go away.

And I don't think you're going to stop selling guns. So maybe for a one year period of time, only women buy guns. And what does that do to America? Interesting. So I was like, okay, murder would go down.

But assault would go up. Once a week, your girlfriend would shoot you in the leg. Lecture you, take you to the hospital, bring you home and fuck your brains out. Yeah. Make for some good sex. Yeah. For the first time, you'd know the anniversary. Like, I got it. I got it. Put the gun down. I think, what else was it? There would be no more unsolved mysteries.

Like crimes. Right. There would be no true crime. Like the body was found in the forest. They'd be like, no, we heard yelling in the forest for six hours until somebody screamed, you're making me do this. It's not you. It's me. And then that's it. That's what I'm kicking around. I like it. Yeah. I like it. Ladies with guns. Ladies with guns. There's not a lot of female murderers or serial killers. No.

No, they do murder, but not serial killers. But women murder with a drop of antifreeze in your oatmeal over six months. But I don't think women want murder. I think women want Stockholm Syndrome. They want to be heard. Right. They'd use the gun like a tool. Just be like, listen to me. Yes. And you'd be like, for the first time, I am. Can you put on the silencer? Yeah.

Yeah, I think you got something here. Yeah? Yeah. There's something there, yeah. I think, yeah, it would just be a threat. Like, oh, you want to get dinner tonight? Nah, let's stay in. She's like...

And you're like, okay, we'll get Italian. Yeah. Fewer wars, but wars would last longer. Yes. Because we would watch. Yes. They draw it out. Like Russia and Ukraine would never end. Just Olga Petrova running at Ivanka Zizka, whatever, with two guns. Right. Please fight. No. Yeah. Picking a movie would suck for the guy. What should we see? 13 going on 30 or Goodfellas? Like, we'll see. We'll see 13 going on 30. Yeah.

Like I said, not very good. I don't know what I have, man. I don't know if I have anything worthwhile quite yet. There's a lot there. Do you have anything more? I got one of you. Yeah. This is also just nothing here maybe. So I went on this safari and you got these guides, this like Australian guy. He's got fatigues on. He's driving the Jeep. He's super manly. And...

There's this animal rights lady in the Jeep with us, and she's very progressive. But yet, animal life is very conservative. It's strict gender roles. It's territorial. It's segregated. You know, there was one point where, like, a male...

wildebeest was humping another male wildebeest and the guy was like, oh, what's going on there? And he's like, nah, there's two males. They're not having sex. They're just playing. So it was very strict, you know, old school. It was like the 50s, you know? And I just thought it could be funny, like, what if a lion...

Didn't want to do the gender roles. You know, it's like the lion's got to get the food, the male lion and the female watches the cubs. And what if the male lion's like, fuck this, I want to do a podcast. Or, you know, the girl's like, I want to be a graphic designer. I don't want to do this either. Because we have the privilege to sway and run around and do different shit. Would also be funny in that world, like you need the dude to kill.

Yes. That's funny to me. They don't get to choose. Right. They're at war with other animals. And there's no victim shit. They'll just kill an impala and that's it. There's not a protest. We got to stop these lions from killing the impala. We're people too. They don't get to talk about the killing afterwards. If I had to kill for my wife...

I wouldn't shut the fuck up. I would bring home the body. We would talk about the body. There would be a selfie with the body. You would bang me for the body. But male lions are just like, here's a body. So no gloating. No gloating. That's good. Overkilling. All right. That's funny. I think we got something here. It's very old school.

This is just an idea I had. There's like nothing really here yet, but I threw this out there and this kind of got something, but it needs more, but it was about how...

I met with someone at TikTok and I was like, what's the deal? All my videos get pulled down on TikTok. Everything's like hate speech to you guys. I had a Nazi joke get pulled down. She goes, well, you can't. There's robots that can't detect sarcasm. So they, if you talk about Nazis, they have no sense of humor about it. And I was like, well, it sounds like a Nazi. Yeah. You know what I mean? So that hit, but I was like, I don't know where the fuck to go with that. But it's like, is that good for anything? Robots are monitoring robots.

That's who's in charge of comedy on your app is robots? Yeah, this is an art form. This is all subjective. And we got a robot at the helm? That's crazy. I don't want to... I feel...

I feel nervous calling this an art form because then the angle is like, you know, what if a fucking... If you saw like a Pollock and a robot's like, nope. Right, right, right. But you know what I mean? Like, maybe that is the angle. I don't know. Maybe there's... You go to like... There should be a... Like when you go to a comedy show at the cell or whatever, there should be a capture for a comedy show to get you in where you're like...

Pick whatever squares have buses in them. Yes. And if you fail, you're allowed into the comedy show. Oh, interesting. If you fuck that up. Robots. Yeah, robots. That's the future. Can't AI write a joke right now? AI can't stand up. Chat GGT or GBT. It's like writing rap songs. You can write 10 minutes on airline food and it'll do it. I know. All these kids are using it for term papers and shit. It's blowing up.

It's amazing. I remember like doing papers on, I mean, we were like the end of the beginning of the internet. So it was like, you find something, you're like, you fucking plagiarize this. Right, right. But now it's like, you really fucking can get caught. I know. In the back of Rolling Stone, there was an ad for buy your term paper. Someone would do it for you. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, in my college, we had something called the honor system where you could take a, you could take an exam, take a paper anywhere on campus.

as long as it was outdoors. So you could take your exam, go out into the lawns and kind of ride it and they had

16 students who were like the honor police who knew nobody knew who they were right and they would rat you out whoa like i cheated in 80 of my exams yeah because i was like nobody's gonna catch you so i just like go into my dorm room and like finish half my paper yeah no i did college online because i've quit college to go do comedy my parents got to finish it so i finished it in new york online and you just got the you got google right there you're you're it's so stupid but i got the degree

Well, uh, Vio, man. Sorry, we didn't do your bit. Oh, no, I mean, the bit is whatever. I'll figure it out. But maybe a Nazi would like the Jew jokes. You know, you go back to the Nazi thing. Oh, yeah, send him more Jew jokes. Yeah, that's how you get back into TikTok. Not Nazi jokes. Right. Send that robot Jew jokes.

Because it's a Nazi. Yeah, well, that might be. No, no, no. No, I'm thinking. I'm thinking. No, I think the angle. That is funny. If you're like the Jew jokes are. Those are working. Those don't get pulled down. Exactly. Man, this really is Nazis. Yeah, that could be the angle. Okay. They find these Jew jokes hilarious. Yeah, there's something there. Stole it from you. All right. All right. So here are some dates. Oh, we got some dates from here. Go straight to March because those February dates are pushed. Sorry. But yeah, that's where I'm at. All right. I'll read those.

West Palm, Huntsville, Nashville, Baltimore, Sacramento. Of course, watch his new special Landing on Netflix. My eyes are bad and that's far away, so I wouldn't be able to read that. Milwaukee, Austin, Providence, New Haven. Oh, Brea Improv. That's fun. That's a fun one. Yeah, San Antonio. Get the breakfast tacos. Good time. Houston, Pittsburgh. Nice. Oh, you got some good rooms. Yep, with my three new minutes. Hey, build it, though. I can't wait. That singer-songwriter is going to bury you.

Awesome, man. Do you want Sam dates? Yeah. Going on. Also get Bodega Cat whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Get fuck it. Get fuck it. Please get fuck it. I got Vancouver coming up, Seattle, Portland. Keep going down Salamanca.

What else? Salt Lake City, Huntington. Yeah, you read it, buddy. Atlantic City in February. There you go. Royal Oak, March 2nd. That's a good room. Minneapolis, March 3rd. That's a big one. Milwaukee, New Haven, Connecticut. Boston, Boston, Boston. Whoa, what's that? The Wilbur. One of the best rooms in the country. That many nights? Five nights? Yeah.

Four right now. We're going to add a fifth. Oh, yeah. Miami, Orlando, Ponte Verde, which is basically Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville. Tickets still available for that one. Norfolk, D.C. Added the second one there. Wilkes Bar and Portchester. More coming soon, but we love you guys. Thanks for buying tickets. Yes, and you've got a ton of great stuff on YouTube, too. So check out all of us on YouTube. We've got a ton of stuff.

I'm all over the road. Hawaii. Miami. I can't read any of this. Spokane Comedy Club. Mullet Arena? Oh, we're doing the Super Bowl with Kreischer.

That would be fun in Phoenix. Are you really? Yeah. We're not doing the Super Bowl. We're going to the Super Bowl, but doing a theater the night before. Five shows. I thought we were doing a halftime show. I'm like, it's you and Rihanna? Yeah. Holy shit. She's opening for me. I thought you would have mentioned that. No, no. You know, I hit her once. Let's see. Skyline in February, and then after that. Rochester, Comedy at the Carlson, Laugh It Up, all kinds of fun stuff. Poughkeepsie, New York. Come on by. We got a special taping in March, so I'm really trying to...

Hammer this thing down. In Chicago. Nice. At the Vic. All right. You were weird about saying it last week. I never know what we can say. You can say whatever. Nah, you're right. Fuck it. The N-word. All right. Thanks, guys. That's the N-word. That's an N-word. Thank you, boys. All right. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Veer. So next, Ben. Woman's talking dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't show.