Ep 110: Colin Quinn & Joe's Pizza
01:49:33 Share

Get Mark on! Get Mark on! I think this works. Yeah, absolutely. I'll try to be very passive aggressive in the beginning, just to stress him out. I think we should say all this shit. Yeah. Yeah.

And I hate fucking podcasts, as they know. I know. So let's save that all. I'm coming up. And I was like, you know, we should do it next week, Alex. He's like, no, no, no. Tomorrow. And I'm like, Mark. Then when I get here, Matt's going, well, Mark's coming from South Africa. I was like, why are we doing today? Is this filming right now? Okay, we're using all of this. Why are we doing today? Mark's coming back from fucking...

South Africa, I said next week, I ran into Sam in the street. First of all, I thought it was on University Place, which is where a guy like you should be doing a podcast. Yeah. Not in the middle of the fucking- I saw you on the street the other day. Trying to get rid of your goddamn heritage, but we're stuck here in Garmento, you know, the Garmento Center. I've never heard anyone say Garmento. It's a garment district, isn't it? It's a garment district, but they just call them Garmentos. I've never heard that.

You've heard that phrase? Garmentos? No. I'm really about to be gone from New York. Garmentos is a famous thing in the 70s. All the Jewish, eat lunch in 20 minutes. All these guys. Bill Sheft. Do you know Bill Sheft? The comic? Yeah. He used to do a routine about Garmentos at lunch, which was one of the funniest bits of all time. He goes, this is how different today's were. The bit was, here's every Garmento at lunch. A guy from Westchester ordering at his favorite restaurant.

Sweetheart, cookie, cookie. No, not him. Me. I was next. Not him. Bring me toast. Bring me. If it's burnt, I'm not going to. If it's undercooked, you know what? Actually, bring me the order and then I'll tell you what's wrong with it. Then you bring it back. Tell the chef, tell the cook it's for Mr. Fine. And he's just.

This is a great character. A little character bit. Yeah. But anyway, go on, man. A little bit like, remember Bobby Collins at the cellar? He always calls, he doesn't know anyone's name, so he calls all the guys handsome and all the women gorgeous. Yes. Hey, handsome. I'm like, wow, I guess I put myself together today. Someone else has done handsome. How are you? He's like a homeless guy. Hey, handsome. What?

This whole neighborhood was still a little bit of it. It was all garment center guys that, you know, and it was mob run, of course, the mob because they had the trucks. So the trucks don't move. They got to go to Chinatown to the sweatshops and then out to, you know, whatever, Gimble's or whatever stores, you know, Marshall's out in Long Island and Jersey. So they really had a stranglehold on this whole area. Yeah.

Those two Gambinos, the Gambino family, and the guys that ran it. I worked at a restaurant with the guys that owned this particular business in Gambino. I think Joe Gambino and Tommy Gambino. They were the owners. They'd come in like once a month. They're like, the owners are coming today. And like real gentlemen. Like you wouldn't say their name, but they'd come in. You could not see two guys less mob-like. They were just these tall, thin, like...

patrician looking guys and they were like the like the campaign you know half the guys there were like crazier than them you know were they polite no they didn't talk to me they were kind of dicks actually but i say that now of course they're dead there's a lot of you know what they were had a lot on their mind yeah they're just like by the way norman is running late that's why right now he will be here but mark uh i didn't

I didn't even know it was going to be an issue. I woke up today with a text from Mark saying, my flight's delayed. I'm like, delayed? You were supposed to get in a day ago. So Mark's coming in from South Africa. From South Africa, everybody. We scheduled this, even if...

So there wasn't a delay. Why would you and I blame you and Matt, who I just met and Mark Norman to schedule a thing, a time sensitive thing on a day somebody's coming back from South Africa? That's not intelligent. I blame Mark Norman because I didn't know that this was even an issue.

And he was so excited you were on. I'll be like, I'll be like Norm Macdonald. You didn't know South Africa was an issue? You know, you believe in it. That's what Norm would do. He'd be like, no, no, I didn't mean like that. You're a racist. You believe South Africa. No, no, I didn't mean like that. He, uh, no, he just texts me, uh,

This morning, you know, I'm delayed. I'm like, what the fuck are you? And of course, it's on the news. Pete Buttigieg is like, we're working on it. I'm like, this fucks up our podcast. Yes. Buttigieg doesn't understand that

Even though it's a computer failure, it has nothing to do with him. We're all going to blame him. Yeah. This is his legacy unless he comes out. Because he looks like he's powered by a computer. He looks like a robot a little bit. Yeah, he does. He was built in a lab. He was. Yeah. He was built by Zelensky. No evidence of a cyber attack, but also won't rule it out. Yeah. That's how everybody speaks about everything. Would they admit if it was a cyber attack? I know. It makes us look like pussies. I know.

The airlines suck. And also, Mark flew United. You never fly United. That's fucking amateur hour. You never go full United. No. No. Well, let's get Mark on the phone and just let him know. Can we get him on the phone real quick? All right, let's do it. Let me call him. He's going to be furious right now. Well, he's never faced the fury I'm going to have. Uh-oh. I'm excited for this. Let's see what we got, Mark. Should we pretend to tell him he's on a podcast? What's up to you?

yeah it's way too casual uh 24 hours colin's pissed dude yeah you know what this is the final nail in the coffin jerry was right about you you're unprofessional wow he said jerry was right about you you're not professional

well i'll be he's bad cop i'm good cop because i do i do feel bad that you 24 hour delay is insane a 24 hour delay travel day 16 hour flight coach it's almost divorce territory here she's furious i left her at the airport she's in the

You know what? That was my advice. And Colin said that I was crazy. I was about to float that you should leave your wife at the airport on your honeymoon. Oh, my God. Do you know how much it's going to cost you? Yeah. You're in the fuck. Are you in the doghouse? No. Later in 2028.

You left your wife at the honeymoon. She'll forgive you when your first kid graduates college. That's my prediction. What kind of agent puts you through D.C.? I would have been home at 8 in the morning. Your agent books your flights? Manager, yeah. Yeah, you got to not go through D.C. I never looked at it until we got to the airport. I was like, why are we in D.C.? I never looked at the itinerary. Oh.

This whole plan is terrible. What, 7 a.m.?

You know what? I'll do a Bodega Cat solidarity pour into my coffee for you. We're hanging, man. We're hanging. Tell them to fucking... We don't believe 20. Yeah, we don't believe 20, but I believe... We'll be here. Tell them to hit the gas. No.

Hit the gas. I'll get there. We'll talk about your gay Italian movies. He said, we're going to talk about your gay Italian movies. We want Colin Quinn movie racks this episode. All right. And yeah, dude. Is that Monday? Cause I'm going the same night. It's opening night. All right. Yeah. Opening night. All right. By the way, Colin Quinn's new show, small talk at the, at the cherry lane theater.

No, Lucille Littell. Lucille Littell. It's close. If you go to the Cherry Lane, it's only two blocks walk away, so you won't be, you'll be able to. I'll figure it out. Yeah. Great theater. Beautiful old West Village Theater. All right. I'll be there opening night. I can't wait. I've seen bits and pieces, and it's already. It's all coming together. It's all coming together. Best hour yet. That's it. Unfortunately, it was produced by United, but. Oh, okay.

All right. Gary wouldn't touch this one, I noticed. But either way, it's his loss. I wouldn't pull that yet, Mark. Collins, he's not having it today. Having what? I don't know. I'm not having it either. Having what? They're both in bad moods. I'm going to have to keep the good energy. You really screwed us. All right. Well, I'll be there. You're in pajamas? I love it. I can't believe. Oh, God. He's great. I just travel jizz all over me. You know that feeling you get from flying?

Yeah. I'm sorry, buddy. Bad travel day. I hope I get my bags back. There's a lot of drugs in there. Your wife's going to burn your clothes when she gets her bags back. This is the beginning. Look, just don't make the next wedding destination and I'll be there. Come on. Alright, it's a date. Alright, thank you. I'll see you soon. To the next one in White Plains. White Plains, New York. On 9-11. Get a discount.

Like Gary Veeder. He got married on 9-11, so we got the discount. Oh my God. We'll see you soon. All right. All right. I'll see you, Mark.

- Mark's not good over the phone. - Yeah, he's not. He's not a phone guy. - He doesn't have the same charisma as the phone guy. - Mark has only called me on the phone maybe twice, which is crazy in all the years of friendship. He's a texter. He doesn't like to be tied down. - He seems like that kind of guy. - That made him uncomfortable even, and I noticed he called me once. If I get a phone call from Mark, I know something horrible just happened. The other time he called me,

I don't even know if I should tell this story, but I kind of have to now. Sherrod Small choked him out after a set at the cellar. Oh, yeah, that's old news. Yeah, all right. I don't know if it's podcast news. Is it podcast? It's like 12-year-old news. Yeah, well. And he called you. Well, yeah, but he's a text guy. And he was like, what do I do about Sherrod? And I was like, fix it? I don't fucking know. Keep the beef going for 12 years. That's a good idea.

Well, he likes to text. There's nothing wrong with that. Unless you want to do a podcast. That is probably something wrong with that. He's great on mics. He's bad on phones. I don't know what that is, but... Shouldn't Dan be doing that? The hell are you doing? I mean, I was just going to pour some of my coffee. A little Bodega Cat whiskey. I forgot all about that. Yeah, it's our whiskey, man.

I think it's kind of a cool name. It is kind of, yeah. Yeah, I appreciate it. I don't want to give it up, but I will give it up. How do you feel about all the 7-Elevens in the city? Oh, it makes me sick. Yeah. But I'm so used to this. It started in 94. In 94, I came back to New York. I was in LA for a couple of years. I moved back to New York, and I was on Coney Island Avenue, which is really the heart of Brooklyn, you know? And especially back then, this is almost 30 years ago, and there was a Domino's Pizza. Yeah.

And I was like, it's over. I get mad when I see dominoes in New York. This is 1994. Wow. In the heart of Brooklyn. I mean, like, Coney Island Avenue is deep in, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, when that one right around the corner from Stand Up New York went down, I think it was like a Marshall's now. Yeah. That was fucking brutal. That was a good pizza place. That was a good pizza. I agree with you. Pizza, New York pizza- That was an underrated pizza. Well, even mediocre New York pizza is better than fucking Domino's. Yeah, but Domino's is terrible. It's fucking terrible. No, I feel like when New York pizza sucks, it's bad. Yeah. There's a million places. It's horrible. There's bad pizzas. This neighborhood right here has some of the worst pizza in the world. Well, not all of it. We got Joe's. No, Joe's is great. But I'm saying-

The dollar slices around the corner? Terrible. They're terrible. It's just all salt and crap. You against it, Beer Jew? I'm horrible. I work around here, and those are the only places open when I get out of work, so it's just awful. Just like cardboard. Well, I'll tell you what's good, but it's on 9th Avenue and 53rd, so it's a little 51st. What's it called? It's been there for 100 years. That's a good slice, but you're not going to work all the way up there. What are your go-to slices in the city besides Joe's? Joe's.

I don't know. I mean, Ben's isn't bad. Ben's... The grandma's good. Ben's is...

It's killed by association. Geography killed Benz from having a great rep. They price gouged during Hurricane Irene, and I'll fucking never forget it. That was a dick move. It was $60 for a pie. Wow. During Hurricane Irene. I'm like, it's a blackout. You guys have a generator. People are hungry. Yeah. So I go there less. I feel like because it was in Louie's intro, people were going there. It was like a tourist thing for a while. Wow. Benz right there. Yeah.

Yeah, I like the setup and I like the fact that it's not bad. Yeah, it's not bad. Joe's is fucking good. I know. And the truth is New Haven really does have the best pizza. Isn't that annoying? They fucking do. They really do. Pepe's? It's the best. It's the best pizza. Sally's and the other modern pizza. I haven't had that one. They're all good. Yeah. I haven't had modern, but I just said it because I figured nobody will know. How are people going to know I didn't have it?

We were pumped to talk movies with you because you're like an OG movie guy. I feel like you know so much about movies. I was just watching YouTube Criterion Closet and you're in the Criterion Closet, which is a fucking honor to be in there.

You know? Well, I don't know about that, but I mean- I think it's pretty cool. It is cool. I wouldn't call it an honor. I would say it was cool. But I mean, but yeah, the Criterion Closet was good. And I really did surprise myself, I have to say. You know, I thought you know about fucking everything. But remember I told the story of that lady in there. Which one was that? This old Iranian lady. I don't know if she was Iranian, but she was from somewhere around there. But she was a video store clerk back when they had video stores. On 57th Street. I lived on 56th.

And then she would go, this movie is good. And every time I went in, she would give me some movie I never heard of. And every time I was like, what? This is the greatest. Color of Paradise, an Iranian movie. Then she'd give you the King of Mask, a Chinese movie. Then she'd give you a movie from Yugoslavia. Then a movie from any place. Damn. Every day. And she was never wrong.

She had the best taste, but she died of cancer. She was sick even then, I could tell. She died of cancer. But...

She never, there was not one movie I saw where I was like, yeah, that was a little small. That's like an indie movie right there is you going in for the wreck and you could tell she's dying. She was the Quentin Tarantino of New York, you know? Dude, I used to, I like that. The movie store, you go, you talk movies. Yes. That was a New York energy thing. I remember Kim's video. It's small talk. That's what it's all about. Yeah. It shows about small talk because that is a New York energy thing.

And I feel like it's energy anyway. I feel like down south, you used to like the small town. All these places. Yeah. King Video, of course. I loved it. Yeah, it was classic. And the one in St. Mark's. Remember that one? That was Kim's, right? Oh, that was Kim's? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. That was great. That was like, they had all the indie shit. Yes. I used to go on runs there to get stuff. I was at Colbert. I would get them like movies from there. The runs were always to go there.

Oh, to get the movies. Yeah. But they had all the cool movies. They had all cool movies. I miss it was like the person behind the desk was like cool. They were like cooler than you. I like that energy. I wouldn't say they were cooler. They were the biggest nerds I've ever seen. Yeah, but in movie- Movie-wise, they were much cooler. In that world, they were cooler. But I was watching- And you turned me on to a movie, Mona Lisa with Bob Hoskins. Oh, the best. That's a great fucking movie. Great movie. I don't know if I wrecked it. Did I wreck it on the pod? I did because of Colin.

That movie's amazing. Yeah, Bob Hoskins. Kathy Tyson. That movie's amazing. Michael Caine is in that. Yeah, I went on a Bob Hoskins kick because of that. I just watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit right after it. He's fucking great in that movie. Long Good Friday. I haven't seen that. Is that good? That's Bob Hoskins. That's next to Mona Lisa. That's the best. He's fucking great, man. Long Good Friday is amazing. All right. You've watched Sexy Beast? Yeah, it's a great movie. Yeah.

One of Todd Barry's favorite movies. Every time I saw Todd Barry, you watch Sexy Beast yet? Yeah, because Todd Barry wants to be the Ben Kingsley of that movie. He wants to be a bald badass. He wants to be the small badass that comes in and starts threatening us and cursing us and forcing us to do whatever he wants us to do. I don't know what it would be. Sexy Beast is fucking cool. Sexy Beast is great. Tense as hell. Kingsley's scary as shit. Yes. That's a great movie.

It's a great movie. What are some of the Colin Quinn sleepers? Long Good Friday is definitely one. All right. That should not be, you know what I mean? Um...

From England, there's a movie called East is East, which Keith Robinson hates. So I stopped by putting that in there. There's a movie called Lady Bird. You ever see Lady Bird? The recent one. No. This is from like 1998. It's called Lady Bird, Lady Bird. All right. From 1996 or something. Amazing. There's a movie called Nilled by Mouth. So Nilled by Mouth, you know the guy in Sexy Beast, Ray Winstone, right? Yeah, yeah. He's in this movie, Nilled by Mouth.

Gary Oldman wrote it, and it's kind of autobiographical about Gary Oldman. He grew up in the projects, whatever they're called in England. And he had a stepfather who was a brute, and so it's his personal thing. Oh, shit. It's unbelievable.

Ray Winstone, you want to kill him. He's the most evil guy in this movie. It's amazing. You're not even watching a movie. You're like, I got to get out of this house. You're like, oh, wait, I'm going to watch a movie. It's like one of those. Same with Lady Bird, Lady Bird. You stressed me out because I told you to watch a movie. That's like an old New York movie. And you call me back, Mikey and Nikki. Yeah. And Colin calls me after 25 minutes and was like, this is the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen.

And I was stressed. I was like, I just, I made Colin mad. Then you call me like an hour later. You're like, all right, it was pretty good. Yeah. It definitely got better. It definitely got better. I just thought it was weird and slow. Like if I see like an old New York movie, that's like kind of got grit to it. I just think of you. I know. I do like those. I do love them.

Oh my God. Did he get here early? Holy shit. I'm here. You made it. We thought you were gone for another 10 minutes. We've been rolling because we're waiting for you. All right, all right. You must be burnt. I'm dead, man. Am I in your seat here? I'm jet lagged. I lost my luggage. I'm gay. I'm all over the place. What are you, a slice of Joe's? You feel better. Oh, all right. I'll have some Joe's. I was in South Africa. This is crazy. Today or yesterday. You know, I've actually...

Went to South Africa and I flew coach. All right! How long have you been married? 25 years. It took you so long to get married. Was that near? She's furious, but that's neither here nor there. We'll have a good episode. I came in, I said, why didn't you just leave with the airport? Immediately, Con goes, oh, you're out of your fucking mind? Yeah. I was like, I guess the single guy shouldn't be given marriage advice. Wow, I had to do the pod. I got a show to promote.

You know, I was going to tell him this Jim Norton story. Oh, please. About the airport. So we did a tour of Iraq, like 2004. So it's me, Norton, Loika Martin, and my assistant, I think, Ellen. And so we come back. All right. Sorry. Sorry. So we come back two weeks bonding, going over to Iraq, they're shooting, you know what I mean? Like we had a couple of... Yeah. We get back, get off the plane from Iraq.

And we go to get our bags. And Norton goes over there. I see him walking towards the exit. So I'm like, that's funny. He's pretending to just not say goodbye. He gets in the cab, leaves. So I go, that's even funnier. He's pretending. I call him later. I go, hey, what the fuck? He goes, oh, shit, man. I'm sorry. I go, you sociopath. You literally didn't say goodbye.

He literally didn't say goodbye to us because he was like, ah, the trip's over. Oh, man. Two weeks we were living in tents. Wow. Flying in these... I mean, we're having body moments with the troop and this bastard... And then he goes, I'm sorry, I got off the plane. I made an appointment with a hooker. So I had to get there in time. I was afraid it was going to be late. And he acted like...

That was the one I got. Right. All is forgiven. You go to the plane, the first thing you think of is a hooker. That should be a card. Thank you. I had to leave the hooker. Hallmark. He was on trans before anybody, by the way. It is where he beat. It comes around at a certain point. He was ahead of the game. Yeah. He was ahead of the game by far. But that doesn't explain. But the point is, that pissed me off when Norton did it. Yeah. It really pissed me off in many ways.

Imagine how his wife is going to feel. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, he's going to see a hooker right after this. It's pretty bad. It's going to cost you, Hill. Yeah. No, the fact that I said you should do it and Colin immediately was like, are you fucking dumb? And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess you shouldn't leave your wife at the airport for a podcast. After a honeymoon. Yeah, it's a bad move. Yeah, well, we're both.

Welcome to reality, sister. This is what it's like. This is big for you to take a vacation though, Mike. That's true. And, you know, international. Thank you, sir. I don't even know what that is, but I'm excited to drink it. But I gave it 30 minutes. I waited for the bag for 30 minutes and nothing. So I was like, I got to go. I mean, I would have been there by now. I would have been on time. But I stayed for a little bit. I could have been good with my wife, Joe. I waited for the bag for 30 minutes. And, you know, my wife was there. Did you give her the old...

Are you cool with this? I did. I did. And I was texting. I was like, I'm on the phone with United right now. I was snoozing in the back seat. And would she go, yeah, it's fine, and give you the look in her eyes like, it's not fine? I don't look her in the eye. But yeah, it's going to be ugly. You're not good on the phone. You're a great podcaster.

Well, I was furious. I was furious. But you're not a phone person in general. Not really. Not really. I'm not a huge... Certain people I call on the phone. Yeah, yeah. I don't mind a phone call. I'm not one of these fuck the phone guys, but I was just in... No, all you young guys hate the phone. That was a mood. You guys are text... It's a whole generational thing. A lot of voice memo people these days. You guys... Yeah. Oh, that's... That's the worst. That would bug me. That's the worst. That's a peeve? That's a peeve of yours? You don't like the voice memo? Yeah, voice memos annoy the shit out of me. I hate the voice memo.

Because everyone's like, hey, what's up? And then you're going to listen to their fucking bullshit. Right. I'm going to start leaving voice memos of all those people and see how they like it. You might be good at it. That's true. I don't want to be good. I want to annoy people. You can do cameo. I'll never do cameo. They keep bugging me. Me too. And I'm like, no, because I'll say some horrible shit and then it'll go online and then you're fucked. Yeah.

I can't imagine doing a cameo. First of all, I'm shocked by a cameo. Not the idea of selling myself for money, but the idea that the money is so low.

Well, you can make your own price. Yeah, you can make it. No, some people, you're like $800 for Emmett Smith. Like maybe in 1998. Come on. Yeah. Is that really $800? No, certain people. I mean, we can look it up. I'm saying it's like $60. No, let's not do it because it's going to humiliate our friends. We don't have to look at our friends. We can look at just regular jerk-offs. Let's look at non-friends. Yeah, get like Eric Estrada. I bet he's 60. I bet he's 60 now. Yeah, 60. Go to like athletes of...

Snoop Dogg does it? It's probably a high price. How much? Woody Allen?

Wow, Snoop Dogg. Yeah, that's got to be in the 50 grand or so. No. It's got to be 50 grand. We have a special relationship with Mark McGrath on this podcast. Oh, that's a long story. You do? No, but we found a video of him just screaming. He's a hothead. Yeah, he was just screaming at a fan. He called him Sugar Gay instead of Sugar Ray. Can you blame him for that? He lost it for like 20 minutes on the kid. Can you blame him? I'll kick your fucking ass, kid. But guess what?

He's been trying to be nice this whole time. People call him whatever, you know. All right, let's see what the money is first. All right, what do we got here? 300 for Ray Lewis. And guess what? You better pay up. I guarantee nobody stiffs him. That cameo slaps. Yeah, boy, yeah. I was thinking of the murder. Oh. I'm old. Yeah, Ray Rice is the slap. Oh, who did you say? Yeah, Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis, that's right.

Ray Lewis and the news. Where the hell is it? Football. I don't think this is entertaining for the fans. This is bad radio. Oh, wow. Okay. 330 for Ray Lewis and then 50 for Dave Weinstadt. Former coach. Okay.

All right. It's a fun thing, but it's just too cheap. We're kind of scraping the barrel here. I am in Ed 73. Some people, my friend did it and he just donated it all to charity, which I'm like, all right, that's something, I guess. That's not bad. But if you think about it as dinner, you go, hey, give me a hundred bucks and you go out to dinner.

It's pretty good. I think Mark's talking himself into Cameo. Maybe I am. Yeah, I think so. Maybe I am. You know, I've noticed it helps a lot of those Instagram people who do skits with voices. Oh, yeah. They clean up. And they're small time, but on Cameo, they clean up. It's like $30, $50 a pop. It's a 15-second video. You do 20 a day? What if I wished you a happy birthday as Owen Wilson? But who does 20 a day?

Owen Wilson. Exactly. Can't you do Owen Wilson? Here's the problem with Cameo, though. Sometimes you get like a, hey, my son is dying of cancer. Can you do a video? And if you get used to Cameo, you start going, well, how much are you going to give me, Dad? You know, I'm not going to do this for free. Right, right. I do the other ones for $100. It's just because your kid's got cancer. Why does he get treated? Pay up first, then you get the leukemia video, okay? Yes. He's going to die anyway.

Yeah, if it did impressions, that's a different story. Oh, it's a game changer, yeah. Oh, yeah, then you have to do them. But then you've got guys like Dan Soder who are incredible at impressions, but just don't do them. Right. He just keeps that to himself. Yeah, he just plays around, yeah. Give me Fred Stoller. Let's see how he's doing. Is he on there? I guarantee you Fred Stoller is on Cameo. No way. I'm telling you. I think Gilbert Gottfried cleaned up on this shit. Oh, yeah, Affleck, the...

Wow. I called it. Well, he's cheap as shit. Stole her. You deserve more. Yeah. I've known him forever. Funny guy. Funny guy. Funny guy. R.I.P. All right, let's get out.

Hey, folks, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. When you're on top of the world, you can do great things. But if life gets you bogged down and you can't do anything, you feel overwhelmed. Working with a therapist makes you more prepared to take on everything life throws at you. We love therapy. We're in therapy. Highly recommend it. Get the garbage out. It's building up in your head. You can't fester. Everybody's festering about something. I don't care who you are, Kanye or anybody else.

BetterHelp is convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. Fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Easy peasy. Tell them how to do it. If you want to live a more empowered life, Kanye, therapists can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash drunk today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk. Yes.

Why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month on your phone bill, you idiot? Right now, when you switch to Mint Mobile, you'll get their unlimited plan for 50% off. Mint Mobile lets you order from home and save with phone plans starting at just $15 a month. Holy moly. It's the perfect time to switch, but hurry because this deal ends January 15th. And any three-month plan and get...

Buy any three-month plan and get three more months free, even on your unlimited plan. Wow. All plans come with unlimited talk and text, plus high-speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Love your current phone? No problem. Use your phone with any Mint Mobile plan and switch easily in five minutes with eSIM.

Buy any three-month Mint Mobile plan and get three more months free by going to mintmobile.com slash drunk. That's mintmobile.com slash drunk. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash drunk. Hurry. Offer ends January 15th. Hell yeah. Well, he'll be missed. Look at this fucking thing. God.

I'm sick of looking at it. Oh, the passport. Oh, yeah. Look at my photo. I use this joke all the time. I say I look like an Albanian knife salesman. That's your joke for Anthony Cumia on one of the roads. I like that Louisiana, USA. You really do look like a Louisiana, like one of those crazy swamp guys. What do you make, Mark, by the way? Yeah, what is this? Oh, so this is kind of like, we'll taste it first and maybe I'll let you know.

Woo, that's damn good. So it's like a basil and ruby oolong tea simple with aviation gin and a little cranberry. Delightful. What do you call it? That's just... A South African delay. A South African delay. Nice. I just made it up so you can call it whatever you want. Yeah, an S-A-B. S-A-D. I'm sad. S-O-B.

I cannot believe you've been in South Africa for- I know, it's crazy. Mark doesn't take time off. Neither do I. Where were you? But he has to now that he's married. Well, how about this? Buckle up there, Fatty, because this is quite a journey. I did South Africa, this whole tour. You got to do the planning with the package. Do you want the elephant package? Do you want the giraffe? Do you want to shoot them? Whatever you want. So I go, give me the 10-day South African safari every day. Yeah.

remote lodge on the river in the jungle. Yes. I'll send you photos, Peter. Wow, look at that. Well, that's Cape Town. So, boy, I put too much filter on that thing. Jesus. But so I go, hey, we're going to South Africa, but we have some extra time before. Let's go to Amsterdam, do some drugs. So we go to Amsterdam for four days. We did shrooms. We got high. We did the canals. And then we went from there to Cape Town, which is a 12-hour flight.

Then from Cape Town, we went to this tiny little airport called Suzuka, and that's where you get off and drive two hours into the jungle, and you go to your lodge. What's the lodge like? Lodge is unbelievable. Unreal. I should have sent you these photos while I was in the Uber, but it's just crazy. And every day you get up at 5, you get a guide. He takes you out in a Jeep with a tracker, some African dude who sits on the front of the Jeep and just goes, hold on. And he stops. He goes like this.

And the car stops, and then he goes...

And you look over there and you see like a giraffe or something. And then you get back in the car and whatever and you see a lion. We saw a leopard. We saw a rhino. It was pretty amazing. Did some good thinking out there. You did the same, what your trip was like too, Colin? Exactly the same. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. We'd have breakfast. It was all inclusive. I drank my face off. So you'd get up at five. You'd go on a safari for two hours. You come back. You have breakfast. You sit by the pool. You drink. Then you go again at 4 p.m.

Is that what you did? Yeah, without the drinking, but yeah.

Yeah, and then you come back from that, you eat dinner, you drink more, you get to know all the other guests. There's people from Africa, Australia, Britain, and then you do it all over again the next day, and it's great. You're going to stay in touch with any of the guests? No. God, no. But nice people. My dumb wife lets the comedy thing out of the bag, so then the whole fucking trip's ruined. Oh, my God. Now you got every Tom, Dick, and Nigel out there going, hey, mate, tell us a quick one. And you're like, ah, no.

Now I'm doing Jew jokes in the middle of the jungle. Yeah. Well, there's no way to hide it. It's hard. Yeah, I tried. Because even when you go, oh, I'm in entertainment, they go, what do you do? I know. When I'm with Vitor on the road, we're in the back of an Uber, they're like, what do you guys do? He goes, insurance salesman. And he has like a whole gag running for it. And I'm just like, just take the wheel, Gary. Perfect, because no one's going to...

No one has a follow-up question for insurance. That's not true. Every once in a while they do. Insurance is very important. I know, but he's got his little gag. He wouldn't try that shit in Hartford. Yeah. What do you say? Everybody's got something. I said medical supplies. No, I always say comedian. Because I know they recognize my voice usually. They're like, what are you? I thought you were him. I don't know my name, but they know who I was. Do you do voiceover a lot or no? No, I'm terrible at voiceover.

When I started in business, everybody's like, you got to do voiceovers. You'll be great. And I went in a couple of times and just it went horribly.

Really? At this point, though, everyone knows your voice. You should do voiceover. Yes, crazy. I once turned down a voiceover, and they hired a guy that sounded like me. It was like, hey, that's you in that fucking pizza commercial. I'm so mad about that. Ah. That's the weird thing about voiceover, because I've gone into it. You got a weird voice. You should do this. And then you go in, and they go, take it from the top. And they go, oh, that was bad. Do another one. Yep. And I'm like, I thought you liked my voice. Which one is it? Yeah. But I guess you got to have inflection or...

Yeah, no, there's something about it that some people just are good at it. Some people are good at it, whatever they want. Who gives a shit? I don't care what these people want anyway. It makes you mad just to- I know. They're like, we like this. They go, shut up. Right. Your products sell well because of your stupid insights. And I'm the one with the voice. I'm the one with the jokes. Why do you matter? Thank God for comedy. It's the only thing where you can actually go, look-

all arguments to the side, put us in front of a crowd and then tell me how you feel. Right. We at least go all over the country and have to...

kill. They don't leave like a five mile radius in Los Angeles. And who is some chick behind like a fold table, folding table going, no. I'm like, who are you? What the hell do you know? But they have jobs. We do have to give you a slice of the Joe's before it gets good. For acting, they have a point though. I'm telling you right now. Acting, I should teach comedy acting, comedians acting.

You're a good actor, dude. Teach me. I'm a decent actor. I'm horrible. You're a good actor. I suck so badly. I'm not good. I'm fine. You're good. Because I'm not. But I was so bad for years because I did all the mistakes that a comedian would make. I would go into every situation. Like if we were sitting here talking right now in an acting scene, and I would say, I better be interesting. I better be funny. Better be on. Yeah. And guess what?

You have to... Actors know you just either are or aren't. You don't fucking try. When you're on stage... No, no. What about a commercial? Why the hell would you argue with me when I'm not even done making my point? I've gone through so many years...

I'll tell you the history of my acting. Then you tell me. All right. Well, you've been in four movies, Colin. No, no. You're not Daniel Day over here. As far as the bad. I meant the bad side of it. Okay, okay. Crocodile Dundee? Night at the Roxbury? When I was on MTV, and yes, I saw a couple of series that way.

They would fly me in for a year and a half. Well, I'm going to tell you, they're like, this guy, we're going to make a show around him. Yeah. One time they flew me in from Kansas. I was in the middle of a gig, a college gig in Kansas. And they were like,

In these days, they didn't fly people in like private jet. Oh, yeah. It's like the 90s, early 90s. And they go, they want you for this part. Whoever it was bailed out. The show's picked up. It's 13 episodes. It was a big network comedy, kind of a cop comedy show. They fly me in on a Sunday.

Fly me in. L.A. Beautiful, sweet, like real Beverly Hills type shit. I go there the next day, NBC, ABC, who knows. One of the big networks. There's only four fucking networks. Yes. So you're walking into luxury. Everything's the top of the line. All the executives there, about 15 executives lined up like this is it. And they flew me in. They studied me. Beautiful girl. Supposed to be my sidekick. We rehearsed a little bit.

I go in to meet them. I mean, I killed. Yeah. I mean, I'm talking to them and I'm killing the room. They're like, this is our guy. I'm joking. We start reading. I suck the energy out of the air because my acting was so bad because I was trying and the girl's looking at me.

And I could feel it's just... And it was gone. But maybe the script was really bad. No, it wasn't the script. I'm telling you, they could have fixed it. It was me. It was Cheers, dude. Because... The show was Cheers. So if I studied all these acting teachers, I couldn't really understand it. Yeah. I studied with a few people who were really great, who really showed me stuff. But one of them was this lady, Sandra Lee, this old lady. And one time I was in her class...

And I was still trying to, and we did this Arthur Miller scene as me and the girl. And she gives a girl notes and then she goes like this for the whole class to be. She goes, and you. Starts imitating me. But it was great. It really finally clicked that moment. I started laughing. Oh yeah. I'm trying. I'm acting. You don't fucking try. You don't try.

You just are, is what you're saying. Yes. Ah. Acting. If I'm trying to be, it's like if somebody goes on stage and does comedy and they're trying to be like funny. Yeah. It's fucking sweaty. Same thing with acting. Right. You're funny. If you're doing a scene, you don't have to, you can trust, you don't have to do funny shit. Yeah. You're going to be, your natural funniness comes through or it doesn't. You can't fucking fix it by trying. Right. That's what I'm saying. You're saying you felt like you were a faker or something. Yeah. A phony. Yeah. I was being fake.

I'm saying the point is trust that you're enough. Doesn't that come from just like practice? I mean, like anything. No, no. Well, yeah, practice. But it also comes from if you don't accept that you're enough for people to watch, you're dead.

If you try to add on to yourself in the scene, you're dead. Yes, that's exactly what I do. Every time. I've never gotten one audition. I've auditioned 9,000 things. I've never gotten one. So then why would you- Mark, in the middle of his audition, goes, comedy. Why would you argue when I'm sitting here saying, you're like, here I am giving you the fucking answer, and like a typical comedian, you're too cocky. Well, it's a little vague. Oh, you can't try. What does that mean? It's not vague. I need something I can use here. Maybe a little obtuse, but it's not a little vague. I don't know.

Patrice had the best audition advice I've ever heard. He said, go in for the part dressed as the thing you're auditioning for. I think that's pretty good. First of all, that's fucking amateur 101. What?

What about you? Don't try. Don't try. What is that? I want to see Mark in a police procedural. We found the dead body. Praise Allah. I'd like, yeah. I want you to show up in a mob movie in a pinstripe suit and go, hey, Bob De Niro. Tommy gun. But wait a minute. Don't try. You go in, you go, hey, do you know the lines? You go, no, I'm not trying. They kick you right out of there. No, I'm not saying you don't know the lines. I'm saying don't try to entertain. Oh.

Don't try to... I'm saying you go in there and if you're supposed to be... Like if I'm talking to somebody and the scene's supposed to be funny and I'm eating pizza, I'm not going to try to be funny eating pizza. I'm eating pizza. It'll be funny because whatever's going on in the scene, people will be like, oh, I get it. He's trying to get laid or he's trying to get money. Instead of being like...

Yeah, that's exactly what I do every time. That's it? You don't have to. Yeah. Look at that. I auditioned for something in LA. This was years ago. And it was supposed to be, it was me and an old guy. And I was reading a script. And we were watching a football game. It was my dad. And he dies next to me. Right. And they were like, all right, go, action. And I was like, oh, look, dad, he caught the touchdown. And he's like, you know, and I'm like, oh.

Dad, what's going on? You're dying on me? This is crazy. And they were like, get out. They didn't even think it was cute or anything. They just said, please leave. You reacting to a real emotional moment is just pure comedy. I know.

I know! I know! I'm a comedian. I don't know what to do. Oh, fuck. He's dead. Oh, shit. They sent me right out of there. I drove like three hours to Santa Monica. Dad! That was it. That's what the script said. Yes, that I could do. Little honeymooners to the moon.

Some of those old shows. But even the Honeymoons, yeah. Ralph Grant had those serious moments. Yeah, yeah. Because even though he was being big, and sometimes a little too big, for the most part, he was, you know, they were talking about the intention. Right. I mean, that's what it's about. Yes. So instead of, you know, once you're, I'll tell you the best advice, Michael Caine. I read the Michael Caine acting book. That also helped. Michael Caine. When you don't know what you're doing, he said he didn't do impressions. When you don't know what you're doing.

He said, just think in your head. This is great advice, I think. Because it takes the self-consciousness away. He goes, just think in your head. He goes, if you don't act, he goes, at least do this much. He goes, think in your head, I'm angry right now. So when you're in the scene, if I'm angry with you right now, I'm thinking I'm angry. So even though I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not thinking about, oh, the camera's over. Am I good? Do I know my lines? I'm just like, I'm fucking angry right now.

He goes, if you're happy, just think I'm happy. I love you right now. I love you. So whatever else is going on, I'm thinking I love you in the back of my head. And then whatever's going on, instead of thinking, hey, am I conveying my love? Take the focus off the self-consciousness. Yeah, it's really good. That's good. And it keeps the self-consciousness away because at least you have that intention. Right. And Michael Caine's a fucking Mona Lisa. He was in that. Yeah. Every time I see Michael Caine or Jack Nicholson, I'm like, I'm sick of these guys.

Every fucking... And by the end of the movie, I'm like, this son of a bitch is great in that. They're the best. They're just great. Nicholson's unreal. Oh, Hannah and her sisters, I always think of... He's just trying to fuck his wife's sister. Oh, yeah. With the lamest game of all time. The best. This poem made me think of you. Yes. Fucking... In the book. Imagine... That is insane. Read this poem on page 111. Yes.

We've all thought about this. We do songs. Sarah Silverman, before that movie, probably when that movie was already out, yeah? She read that poem, and we were hanging out with a bunch of people, and she goes, it's obviously a powerful poem, she goes, oh,

It was E.E. Cummings. She goes, he could Cummings on my back anytime. By the way, Michael Caine and Alfie, the worst body of all time. It was so easy to be a male in the 60s. You didn't have to work out at all. And you were a sex symbol. Yeah. And he was a badass. He didn't get Carter and shit. He just got to do everything. He's great in everything. He's a great actor. Yeah. Still going in the Batman movies.

Yeah, he's fucking, he's got to be up there now. Michael Caine. But I read his book. It was good. Yeah, he was a hunk. But that's the whole point. He never tries to, you never see Michael Caine overdoing it. No.

Yeah. And that's what I mean by not trying. If he was in Mona Lisa going, let me tell you something, whatever the guy's name was. Instead, he's like, so-and-so, like you can just see he's fucking annoyed by this guy working for him and he'll kill. The lines, the word, every bit of it, you know he's a mob boss, that does the work. Just you're annoyed. Right. And if you were annoyed and you were a mob boss, people would fucking die.

You don't have to act like, hey, I'll kill you. Yeah. See, I would dress up fully as the godfather and do that. You wouldn't say, Patrice told me to do this. Colin, we do peeves on this podcast, and you're like the king of pet peeves. Oh, yeah. You're so good at observational jokes. I like peeves. What are we doing?

I mean, we have a ton, but I mean, I think you have so many in your act. I think one of my, one of my always think about is a guy who's stretching while you're venting about something serious. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You have so many, like what are, do you have any recent peeves? You have the other one about the guy who's mad about something. So he starts yelling at you, you know, he's like this fucking guy. Can you believe this fucking guy?

Oh, right, right. When they put you in there. Yeah, yeah. Well, the recent one, which really is my biggest one, which I'll tell you right now, but it's been a while, is the people who are so sincere, they're full of shit, by which I mean, they're like, hey, how are you? Oh.

Yes. Yes. Hey, how are you? Good. Yeah. Hey. And they just, oh, it just drives me crazy because I know their motive. They're not, you know what I mean? Totally. Totally. Once in a while, they're imitating people that are really like that. Yeah. So once in a while, you run into somebody, some sincere person, whatever, you know. But in general, especially showbiz, when somebody's that sincere, I'm like, whoa, I'll fucking keep a step away from you. I totally get it. They have two hands around their coffee mug. Oh.

You know, you're like, oh, my wife had a miscarriage. Perfect. Perfect. Shut up. I'm joking. Let's do lunch sometime. Yeah. Let's really talk about this. Yeah. Shake your hands with two hands. Yes. It's so good to see you. Like, we haven't seen you in 10 years. We never talk. We have nothing in common. Exactly. Yeah. No, I have a guy in my mind. I have a lot of a few. Yeah.

I just don't like the new earnestness and the new sincerity. It's inferior. Yeah. I got one, and it's not as good as these, but it's happened the whole trip, and it drove me crazy. The people who can't tell you what time it is, they have to do math. You go, what time is it? They go, quarter to seven. And you're like, 645? 645. Right? What? Is that right? Yeah.

645. Right. Can't we just say 645? Why don't we just say quarter to seven? No confidence? Now, wait a minute. This is insane. Yeah, I don't get it. Why is that bad? I'm just saying, just tell me the fucking time. You don't do that with anything else in life. You don't go, how far is Wisconsin? It's 100 minus eight. Just tell me it's a fucking...

92 miles away. You want the exact number. Yes. It's absurd behavior. I mean, this is such a social norm at this point. I didn't even... I'm sliding in and seeing it from another angle. Yeah, which I like. But at the same time, I don't think it's the kind of thing that...

It's going to have an emotional effect on anybody except to think you've gone Stark Raven. I understand the peeve. It doesn't bother me personally. It drives me crazy. It bothers no one except Mark. Just say that we don't do that with anything else except time. That's why it bothers me. How much is that pizza? The pizza's $10. No one goes, it's five and five. Just say 10. But it could be a quarter of a pound. No, you mean it's a... No, you would have said it's three quarters of 10.

Let's see. Now I'm lost. The quarters are different with the $500. Nobody says, hey, it's 90% of $10. It was $9.50.

Okay, okay. I'm just trying to help you think. I appreciate it. This thing is really in trouble. Quarter past ten. Ten twenty-five. This peeve is really in trouble. How are you attacking my peeve? This peeve is a peeve of mine now. I'm just saying, it's weird because you hear other numbers. I just want the exact number. Now you got me on eight different numbers. I think it comes from analog watches. Ah, that makes sense. So when you look at it, you have quarter, quarter, quarter. That's a good point. No, but people said quarter seven when I was little.

But you're from the 40s. I'm saying there were no analog watches. No, that was analog. In fairness to me, in my defense, I don't know what analog means. The hands. Oh, that's analog. That's analog? Yeah. All this time, I was like, that sounds too hard for me to investigate what analog means. And it just meant hands?

That goes to show I could have saved myself a lot of trouble in life. I got a piece. I got a piece for you. Guy who cuts you in line gets busted cutting you and then acts like he wasn't cutting you.

Wait, go ahead. I'm in the coffee shop. This guy cuts me with his dog. And I just very calmly say, oh, you know, I'm in line. And he goes, yeah, I just wanted to get comfortable. And I was like, what? So then the guy, we're the only guys in the coffee shop. The guy goes, oh, who's next? And the guy gives me one of these.

Oh, what a dick. Fuck that guy. You're the problem. Yeah. You're trying to reverse it on me. That's what it is. And now he's trying to be the good guy again. Yeah. Here you go. He's like, you're in a rush. It's like, no, I was here, fuckface. Exactly. He's giving you credit for something that he didn't even do. The sarcastic one. Fuck you. Yeah. How about the side swindler? I think Larry David covered it. But the guy who does the side, he stands next to you in line and then just starts inching in.

I know what you're doing. Get in the back.

Yeah. Colin has so many peeves in his act. That's like a New York- I mean, it's a New York-style comedy. I do have a lot of peeves. I have a list from over the years in comedy. But I have like 200 of these little things like that. 200? Or do you have a quarter past 190? Ah, fuck. See? It's hard to do math. Yeah, I don't think- I mean, a quarter to seven, it's too common. It's been around before you were born. I know it's common, but- I could have said it would be a peeve.

Yeah, it is interesting, though, the way your mind works when you think about that. It's not enjoyable. That you're saying the subtraction is bothering you. Yes, try living with this thing. I couldn't register with the people. I thought you were annoyed that the guy was not confident in what he was saying in the time. Just tell me the exact number. It's just weird. It's 815. Don't say quarter past eight because now I'm doing extra shit. I'm just saying it's an efficiency thing to me.

But except that it's been around for so long, it's really, you know, you're coming in. Thanks. Well, so is gays not getting married. We changed that. What happened? Huh? Gays. I'm just saying, like, gays used to not be able to get married. I get it.

And you go, oh, it's been around for so long, you got to accept it. Well, maybe I'm changing the rules. That's what I hate about every argument today is people bring up anything like that and you're like, oh, fuck. Right? They bring it up and they win automatically. But it used to be this. It's like, okay. Yeah, you got to have some virtue. Yeah. Well, then you win. Roe v. Wade rolled back. Yeah.

Ah, shit. Right. Is it Roe v. Wade or is it a quarter past? The vagina? It's a mole past the hair. All right. Well, the other weird thing about Roe v. Wade rolling back is they did it when nobody even gives it. Even the Christians weren't celebrating. Nobody gave a shit. Yeah. It was so weird because everybody's like,

No, that's not even an argument anymore. Right. Well, you know what's weird about conservatives? And I just heard this. They're all about family values. But all the most divorces and most teen pregnancies, red states. Yeah. Fun fact. You have a new bit about the parents who leave the babies in the hot car. They always seem pro-life. They do. I mean, that's true. Yeah.

You gotta at least crack the window. That's what my parents did. Crack the window. He just did a pet peeve, which is he laughs at your joke and you go, they do.

Oh, yeah, that is a pet peeve. I did that? Yeah, yeah. But I think he didn't mean it. You laughed at your joke. What do you want to do? No, when people do that, you go, whatever, whatever. And they go, yeah. No, wait, hold on. You laugh at a joke and they go, no, I'm serious. And I'm like, I know. It's still funny to me, though. But what about this? Here's the real pet peeve. Not that one or not this one. It's the one where somebody goes, they say an obvious joke.

And then it's not a comedian. It's usually just a regular person. We go, and then you kind of politely, they go, I'm not joking. Yes, you are. Right, right, right. Oh, that's the worst.

How about this one? This drives me fucking crazy. At a comedy show, we might have covered this, but the guy goes, where are you from? And the guy in the front row goes, New Jersey. Whoa, easy, bro. Easy, easy. You asked the guy a question, he answered it. What is this? He didn't do anything wrong. It's true. I hate that. I like the crowd work guy who has nothing ready. The guy who's like, he goes, anyone celebrating their birthday? Yeah, he goes, happy birthday. Yeah.

That's it. So annoying. But I mean, if they did it for one, they'll do it for 12. Just think a little bit ahead of time and just go with it. Or write a fucking joke. How about that? But, or the guy who keeps asking questions because he hasn't found any gold yet. What do you like to do? I'm a construction worker. Oh yeah, a lot of two by fours? Yes. Hammer? Yes. Nails? Yes. Where's this going? Give me a bit. Get somewhere.

Yeah, we could do this all day. Your new hour is like, it's so much about, it's great. Everything I've seen of it is great, by the way. Killer. It's awesome. You do social commentary the way I love it, where it's just, you shit on everybody. It's not pandering at all. It's just funny. Yeah, right down the middle. Hey, guys, I'm an equal opportunity offender. But I mean-

I mean, how do you feel about this one right now? Because, you know, I mean, you do so many of these. I feel like I'm glad you guys aren't coming until the 23rd because I feel like it's close, but I'm still playing around. Tinkering. Yeah.

And it's like, you know, I mean, how much fucking time you can take? You can't take only... Right. You don't want it to be like, hey, I really have this thing. It's like, all right, get to it, asshole. But for a comic, the only way to get it done is you get that... Put that pressure on you. Because we'll just take a year and fuck around. And that's the case. Deadlines. But I feel like, yeah, I feel like...

I feel like it's the least social commentary, but in some ways that makes it the most. Because you know how it is now. Everybody's talking about everything all the time. Right, right. So it's sort of like, you know, you almost want to talk about it by being more general. Yeah. Because specifics are covered all day. You know what I mean? Yeah. And the other problem with going to see your show is...

You know all the ideas you have? You can't get in. You know all the ideas you have and you can't crack it? And then you go see your show and I'm like, oh, I had an idea like that, but I couldn't figure out where to go with it and you nailed it. So I got to drop it. Well, you don't have to drop it. I mean, it depends on, you know. I didn't want to be similar. No. Yeah. What was the one I saw at the Minetta Theater? The one on Minetta?

Remember we talked after- New York Story. No, no. It was after that. New York Story on Netflix. It was the one on Netflix where you had the people on the stage. Red State, Blue State. Yes. That one was amazing. And you had eight bits in there. And I was like, ah, I got to drop all these. Oh, shit. So you covered everything. It was so good. There's more genders than political parties. Right. That's fucking great. That's what I was like, oh.

But it's so funny, like, even that was like three or four years ago. Yeah. If I said that today, people would be like, what the fuck kind of a thing is that to say? Isn't that weird? I don't know. I think it's still great. I think it's great, too. I think there's little things that happen that keep, like, inching towards a...

True. Culture, people like... Like it might hit just slightly less hard now. Yeah. People would be like, that's questionable. That's concerning. And then you go to that and you're like, was it worth doing this if it's not killing? Right. I know what you mean. Right. Yeah. You have to be killing. But then you're also... But that's a good instinct. That's what makes you great is you're like, am I killing? Yeah.

But shouldn't you push back a little? No, yeah, but you still want to get... Of course, of course. You guys both know one of the biggest problems is people that don't elicit laughter in their act. Ah, obviously. It's an epidemic. It seems like, yeah, but you think that's a given. Every time I do these interviews with like...

on the road and stuff with whoever the papers are, whatever, you know. They always say, so, but like comedy, I go with first laughs. Like doctors first do no harm. If you're not getting laughs, it's irrelevant. Everything else is, don't advertise comedian. Get laughs, then I'll talk about it. And then, of course, the highest,

form may be you saying what you really want to say. Sure. But if you're not getting laughs, it's all I don't want to talk about. It's not even comedy. It's not even comedy. Agreed. But boy, has it gotten muddy these days. It's gotten real blurry. But then I think these critics get obsessed with

that don't necessarily get the laugh because maybe they think that's like something grander or greater. That's exactly right. There's an arrogance to it, whereas like I have a lot of love for comics that are, you know, bleeding on the road because it's- I agree. It's- They're fucking warriors. You have to kill. You have to kill. And yeah, exactly. It becomes this romanticism of the kind of tortured artist, but it's like, but laughter first, you know what I mean? And laughter is harder. Yeah.

You know? And laughter, I say it in the show now, laughter's a lie detector test. Ooh. That's the fucking thing. It's a lie detector test because you're speaking, there's something critical going on that people are suddenly involuntarily laughing. Yes, yes.

But that goes back to the point of the trans joke. You're like, can you do it now? I don't know. But it's still funny. Even if they're laughing less, it's less of a laugh because of this nervousness, not because the joke is worse. Well, yeah, but you also have to, you know what I mean? You have to factor in all that stuff. But that's why Colin, he's right. You do have to evolve to some degree. Sure, sure. Or you are that stubborn guy who's just trying. Right, right. But don't forget in Red State Blues, they would have said about evolving.

What was that? Don't you remember that line? I think you actually retweeted it. Did I? I said, people say you have to evolve with your audience. I go, that's why I came to comedy. That's a great joke. I can march in lockstep with society's contemporary conventions. This is what I'm saying. That's why I'm saying push back a little. But there is a hint of the evolving though, don't you think? Of course there's a hint. You don't want to be the old hat. There's always a hint, of course. But that's a fucking brilliant line. But that's the point. That's comedy. That line is comedy. Suddenly comedy became like, hey,

The audience will determine your... Fuck that. That's what I'm saying. And you guys said no. We're not funny. I might as well go to the audience and just sit around and have a conversation. Exactly. But to some degree, we do have to focus test. Totally. It's the only form of entertainment where we have to focus test. You also have to take them somewhere. You always have to take them to a place. Yeah, it is. Well, those are my favorite jokes of yours or someone like Chris Rock where you guys will kind of start a setup sometimes where you're like, where is this going? And then by the end, you're kind of like, oh, shit. Like...

It's unpredictable. So to that degree, I totally agree with you. Yeah, of course. I mean, that's the thing. And just walk that line and then just – Yes. And you do have to – I mean, comedy now does require somewhat of a lion taming in the sense that you have to tell people, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's live in reality. Okay? Yeah.

Not that I know totally, but let's not, you know, how many times have you said and say, you're getting mad at the thing. You don't even understand the joke. It's just the word. Right. Not the subject matter, just the word. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like, stop. Yeah. Get the point. You don't fucking understand. And then they laugh.

I know, but... That's the dumbest person ever. The person who just hears a word... No, but that's... That's common. That's very common. For sure. Way more than it used to be. It used to be about funny. Now it's about the lion taming and the funny, which is a whole other element, which we have to learn almost a new skill to tap dance as Seinfeld. But you see those comics that don't have that skill and they become irrelevant. Tap dance. Interesting. Copy.

But those comics that don't have that skill to kind of navigate, you know, it becomes thoughtless. And you've seen that comic kind of lose touch with the audience. Sure, sure. So you do have to have a hint of that for sure. Of course, of course. But then there's the other side of the comics that are literally speaking in preambles on each joke. Explain to people, here's how I feel. And it's like, okay, that loses something too. It's a Seinfeld episode, The Gate. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Right.

It's that episode. They do it every bit. No, for sure. Well, David Telgo, he always says, I was at a gay wedding. Are you okay? Is everybody okay? I love that because I'm like, yes. It's like you said, you got to tame them. You got a chair and a whip up there. If you have an audience that comes to see you, chances are they know you're not a fucking sociopath. So you don't need to explain yourself. Just tell the fucking joke. That's the beauty of it. When you go to the comedy club where you're doing a showcase show. Right, what we were talking about before. It's a bunch of tourists. If you're a random crowd, it can change. Yeah.

Yeah. Because all it takes is a couple of people and then you end up getting too mad at them. You know what I mean? Right. Right. And you're just like, what the fuck? And then the whole crowd's like, hey, you know, you're being kind of harsh. And because they might not even have heard or they don't understand how much the intent of what this has been building up. Exactly. Exactly. And the crowd's like, whoa, let's take it down, pal.

You saw me at the VU the other night. I was having a solid set, and I got off, and I was like, hey, all right. You were like, you sounded like you hated him. And I was like, yeah, I was pissed because one joke got a groan. Right. You got mad. I mentioned you got mad at them or something. Yeah, yeah. You can't. You have to keep perspective for them, too, you know? I know, I know. We see sometimes a comic will open with a joke that I'm like, you just shouldn't be opening with that joke. That's true. Now you're mad the whole fucking set. Yeah, yeah. Well, Larry David. You mentioned Larry David. He was famous because he would come out and do like a joke that was just, and then just

shut down in time because of the joke. Which I kind of get. Did you see him in the clubs in the 80s? Yeah. What was it like? It was, you know, he was always funny. Like, you know, like nobody was like, oh, this guy's not funny. No comedians. Everybody respected him because he was funny. But he was just, like I said, he would just turn too quickly. Yeah. He would turn on the crowd. Yeah.

You have to entertain. Because they didn't understand that, you know. It must be frustrating to know you're funny and not be doing well. I guess a lot of comics feel that way. But he like, if you're funny and you're validated by your peers and you're bombing, that's got to be, you got to be like, what the fuck is happening? Well, he was too cool to perform. He wouldn't perform because we all have that anger and you have to keep performing. Right. It is a show. But he wasn't willing to do that fake part.

Oh, I remember the first late nights that I ever did. The opening joke had like six punchlines and it didn't get near to what I wanted. And the next four minutes was me faking a smile. Exactly. The best acting I've ever done. You probably killed the next four minutes. No, I did fine. Oh, okay. But I was, I had to. What am I going to, what am I going to go? It's TV. Fuck you. You kind of have to power through. Yeah, but that's, that's showbiz.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it is interesting. But that is the only beauty is that at least it's reality in the sense that all this talk, I feel like a lot of jobs in show business, they can talk like this and then just talk about this the rest of their life. All three of us have to go in front of people tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year and live in reality. So all the speculation is fine, but we still have to live in the real world and go, oh shit, I forgot about that part. And so it's kind of

cool that we can't live in the, you know, this kind of high, you know, conversational, like, yeah, theoretical thing. We still have to live in the world, which keeps us honest. It does. It does. But it's also why not everybody can do it. Yeah. Because it's so harsh. You can just die. Comedy is harsh. I always get jealous of musicians because they just get up there and even if they're doing terrible things,

Nobody in that audience can play that music. Right. But if we get up, if I'm bombing and I'm getting no laughs, everybody in that audience could do what I'm doing right now, stand on a stage and not get any laughs. Everybody. They are equal to me.

But that's what's interesting about comedy. You could change one word and half of that and it would kill. Yeah. But you got to figure that out. Isn't that crazy when you're one fucking word away? I know. And it might be one syllable. I know. But when you find it, it's nothing better. Well, the worst is if things start to go south.

and you start stuttering and all these jokes it would work if you didn't stutter like yes every little stutter yeah yeah you kill the momentum and you you fuck up the setup and you're like well that's not gonna hit now why am i but i'm gonna still do it and you're like i knew that one hit that's why i don't do stories because i'm worried that i'll flub one thing along the way in the six minute tail and then you know it'll ruin the whole thing but you can't get out of a story you gotta do the whole thing you would do the funniest thing on tough crowd you would keep in jokes that didn't work sometimes yeah and

because I've never seen a late night host do that but you keep in a joke and after a joke went work you just be like yeah I knew that one wasn't going to be good you would just say that on the show I wrote all the monologues myself every night that's insane that was my thing I was like I'm writing all the monologues that's insane myself like I was just like that's it every day I could do this shit and so a lot of them were like not that strong but some of them were strong

But, yeah, well, we keep jokes in. The proudest thing about Tough Crowd, when I look back at it now, is the fact that if somebody tried to pander to the crowd, we'd go, stop. Yes. Go ahead. Hey, folks, they're good people. Right. Give them applause. Yeah. And we'd just be brutal. But we do that to – they do it to me, too. But whoever it was done to, it was just, oh.

Which you never saw on TV. You never see it on TV. You'll see it today. That's true. It's straighter now than it was then. It is. What's that about? I don't know.

But I mean, seriously, go see Colin's show. Yes. Every part I've seen has been killer so far. All his shows are killer. Mark and I copy how Colin and Attell and the great New York comics try to build material. Colin does the Fab Black at the cellar to work out. Mark and I do that. I know. That's why you guys are great. Because you do.

You do the work. That's why you always have new great material because it's not rocket science. It's horrible, humbling work. Yes. Well, you have the best line. You say a lot of people don't want to write because writing proves you're not a genius. Yeah. Because you go, I'll figure it out up there. But when you write, you sit and stare at a page and it's brutal. You have to confront your own mediocrity. Yes. Damn. Damn.

And that's beautiful Even though it's horrible I wouldn't be a genius But guess what I'll write something And I'm like Oh my god You know what I mean My aunt would have said that Nothing against my aunt She's actually very What I'm saying I know I picked the example I'm not like a soccer mom type Sure But yeah I'm just saying that Sometimes you write Oh I can't believe How corny I am I know but the beautiful thing Is we get to Show people the ones That worked Yeah You know on TV Yeah

Well, hopefully. Who knows? Speaking of pet peeves, I hate with a passion that your generation... I hated generations before, but I hate even more with your generation. We're certainly all about podcasts and YouTube and all this stuff that you guys still...

are so obsessed with, like, I have a Tonight Show set. It's been making me furious for years and years. It made me mad when people did it for Letterman sets, and now it makes me... It's baffling. Why? Why isn't it fun? It's fun to go on TV and do a set. Because it's... You guys are...

You know that's not going to affect your career the way any other YouTube or anything works. Now, yeah, you're right. But even five years ago, nobody's... It's not 1978 when The Tonight Show meant... I did a set at The Night... By the way, David Brennan, in those days, it really did mean... Yeah. David Brennan, they said the first time he was on The Tonight Show, he said he was broke or something. He had like 80 bucks in the bank. The next day, he got $70,000 worth of work. Wow. Back when that was like a lot of money. Sure. The next day. I go on Fowl and now I lose followers. Yeah.

It's true. It happens. It just makes me so mad when everyone's like, tonight's show's set. I'm like, oh, I get so irritated. But I've been irritated since Letterman for that. It gives you a little something, just something to put on a flyer.

And dumb audiences in the middle of the country go, hey, it's a night show. They do. People are like, oh, wow. People get excited about that shit still. No, comedians get excited. It's driving me nuts. If you want to pee, I'm giving you one. It's definitely dead now. It's pointless now. And if you tell one of those guys. And also, they fucking neuter your set. That's the problem. Yeah, yeah. That's a whole other thing. Well, I'll tell you what. Even back in the old days, I used to work in this, I mean, the late 80s.

I'd be working with somebody who did like three lettermans and I'd have to be the headliner. Oh, that's annoying. And I was like, this guy did three lettermans. Nobody cared.

That was in the 80s. This is all a delusion. Right, right. Well, back then when we didn't have all this kind of promotion. So if you went on Letterman and promoted, I'm going to be at Hilarity's next week, they would barely do a bump. Ask any club. But if you did local radio in Cleveland, you would sell tickets. Right. That's amazing. So it's all delusion. Yeah. But you get to show your mom.

Yeah, my mom gets excited. Moms don't give a damn. They're not comedy nerds. They don't give a shit about the Tonight Show. That's true. She's not a comedy nerd, but she'll be like, oh, that's a thing I can see. It's tangible. If you want, I was on Good Morning America the third hour, by the way, this morning. You didn't get those hot anchors who were hooking up. Oh, yeah. I did it with them once. They were great. They seemed great. They were great. But anyway, but I'm just saying that's going to affect people's moms more than the, you know, That's true. That's true. Well,

Letterman, if you do like Good Morning America or like, you know, Rachel Ray and stuff, that seems like it's more... Yeah, Ellen. I refuse to give up on this one. I'm dying on this hill. No, I see what you're saying. It doesn't move the needle, but it gives you little things. You know, when a club promoter says, what do you got? You can send them that link. Yeah.

And they see you in a suit laughing with Jimmy. You're right. It doesn't move the needle. But this helped us headline when we were young. That's true. It really did because club owners who live in the 80s are like, he's been on Kona. And they're like, wait, why is this guy selling any tickets? So yeah, it helped us get work. So I think we're on some level still locked in that. But I hate the fact that even my generation was locked in it when I met the guy that did three Lettermans. Actually, now I realize he did two Lettermans.

I don't know why I said three, but... It was a bit of a badge of honor, you know? I think I was trying to win the argument. I get it. Hey, you got to fight for it. I gave myself the benefit. It's a peeve of mine. People lying to win arguments. Then I realized it was true. What are you, Santos?

Yeah. I don't know. I won't do one now probably because they tweak my act so much. It's such a headache to like write it out in text. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, I know. I know. But let's write – I'd like to write right now. Not a bit. I'd like to write what are the bullet points Mark needs to hit to save his marriage when he goes home. That I need help with. I would say – She's going to be working on her acting. That would be a great late night segment. Number one is – listen.

I didn't even want to do this goddamn podcast, but I feel like it sells tickets. That's not bad. I'll use that actually tonight. We talked about the house. I'm just standing outside.

She must, on some level, realize how big it is for you to take this amount of time off, though. Well, I kept... Yeah, and I kept saying, Quinn, Quinn. She's like, oh, okay. I wasn't lying. He was excited as hell. Yes, I'm a fan. But that's why I said we should do it next week. If I knew you were coming back in the list from South Africa, I've been there, coach. Absolutely.

He's going to sleep like a beast. I hope you don't have a gig tomorrow or tonight. I'm flying out to Nashville tomorrow. Ten sold-out shows. You better go to sleep early tonight. I got a couple spots. Ten shows is a lot. Yeah, I don't know. I'm diving right back in because I got that vacation rust. Yes, and you got some vacation jokes. I do. I used to have some stuff on Safari. Oh, yeah. I'll sell it to you. Please. You do it in Nashville.

Put it in the new hour. How done is it? Would you say you're at like 85%? I would say... Or quarter past... 75. 50. 75. 75? That's not close at all. You've got to put that back in the oven. All right.

You know what would really put this over the top is if you did a Fallon appearance. I think that would really... I did Fallon last week. Did you? Oh, I thought it was no big deal. Why are these comics still doing Tonight Show? I love Fallon. I personally love Fallon. He's a nice guy. It's some of my favorite TV to do because we bust each other's balls and we go back a long way. And it's a guaranteed laugh. Yeah. But I just meant as far as... I didn't mean Fallon. I mean any of these talk show appearances...

Here's what bothers me about him. Let me just rephrase it. Okay. It's not doing them. It's the fact that it's this ritual now set up. And it started back then where everybody is being a comedian, being funny. And then suddenly it's like, let's make sure we tensely wear our nicest suit. And it's like watching a criminal in court. Right. They're like this. Okay. And then, okay, let's wait. And it just, it takes all the...

Fun out of comedy. And the edge. Yeah, totally. They make you less of you. I agree with that. Yes. And then it's all this precision shit. And it's all this precise. This joke. And then one minute before you go on, lose a minute. You're like, wait a minute. We worked this out to the T. And they tell you, lose a minute. Yeah. We're late on time. Or stretch two minutes. Right. It's like all this precise things. Yes. And now this. Maybe that's why the Sam Kinison Letterman is so epic. Yeah.

It's so goddamn epic. Because he really just breaks all the rules. He goes in the crowd. He fucks with a guy. He yells. He goes long. It is so epic. I mean, that was a career maker. That was... I don't know if that did make his career. I'm trying to remember at the time. I bet the Dangerfield thing helped. That was big. The Dangerfield thing was big back then. That show was big. And that felt like real comedy. It was.

It felt less precise. It was in a club and it was, dude, Rodney bringing people out and the intros being funny for Bill Hicks. This next comic, he's so far ahead of his time, his parents haven't even met yet. That's killer. He wrote a joke about the comic he's presenting. That's pretty great. Yeah. Those were great sets. Robert Schimmel. Oh,

Oh, they were great. Killer, yeah. Even Dice. Dice, hilarious. Tara Leifer. Everyone on those lineups was funny. Yeah, they were all funny. And Rodney was great, yeah. Bob Nelson, Robert Townsend. He turned me down. Oh, really? Rodney, he saw me, but he turned me down flatteringly. He goes, hey, kid, it's hilarious. I can't put you on for that. You know, you're like an inside guy for comedy. You're not. He was just like, you're great. Don't worry about it. I can't put you on.

Wow. At least he complimented you, though. At least he said it to my face. Yeah. He didn't call my manager. He said it right after the set to me. You're going great, kid. You're great. You know I can't put you on. Wow. That's pretty insane, though, for a guy at that level to do it that way. Yes, he did it directly. Yeah. He's a comedian. That's unheard of. Were you a huge Rodney fan?

Yeah, I mean, it's so funny. So funny. Now, what did Dennis Miller tell you? Because I think about this twice a week. Oh, Dennis. He goes, yeah, he came to see... I mean, this was a big deal back then. He was the guy. He came to see me. He was the guy. And he came to see me with his date. And he goes... I mean, so it was already like, that's the honor. This guy came out of his way to watch me do an hour. And he goes, you're great, man. You're great. Got it all. He goes, there's just...

I can't put my finger on it. There's something missing. And I was like, well...

Nowadays, I'd be like, could you put your finger on it? I think you did. I think you found the one man's. Yeah, maybe. That's your thing? The one man show is on Netflix, right? Yeah, of course. I mean, the New York one is like... The New York story is like... The New York one's a wow, especially for a kid from New York. But it's not just for New Yorkers. It's an incredible show. Yeah, I show that to my dad. That is like...

That is like in the top New York things for me ever. I love it. Thank you. That was the one I could die with. In fact, I did have a heart attack after I did that. And in the ambulance when I thought I was dead, I go, at least I get the New York story out there. Wow. That's how I felt about it. Damn. You're a comic to your fucking death. That's a comic. Holy shit. It was my story. I wanted it out there. Like what I thought...

What I think the world, how the world, what would work. So it was like, you know, that's part of our thing. When you're doing stand-up, you're going, you know, you want laughs, but you're also like saying, hey, here's how I see the world. Yes. And you want people to laugh like, okay, good, I see it that way too. You tell the EMT, it's on Netflix. I have a question about one-man shows for you is, you know, I don't think a lot of one-man show comics work out their show in a comedy club.

Yeah. Yeah. You might be one of the few who does that. I mean. It's always some queefy black box or something. Well, that's why I hate even calling it a one-man show because I feel like it's such a negative connotation to us. Sure. Not to the rest of the world. I mean, but yeah, no, that's exactly right. I love, I mean, if it works at clubs. But it is funny because you do develop a.

like a harsh, like a shell where like sometimes if I'm in the theater, I'll be like, I better get to the next show quick because it's too quiet. Some asshole's going to say something. Right. I'm going to have to fucking...

you know, stop for a minute and bust his balls. Like, you know, you're always ready. Yeah. Just because that's comedy. Exactly. That's every club. I mean, I was at Laugh Out Loud, whatever it's called, in Phoenix about a month and a half ago, you know? Oh, yeah. And it was going great. And then three quarters of the way, some guy goes, in the middle of the show. So, of course, I attack him. Everybody laughs. And I go, whoa, just make a joke. And the girl goes,

Right after. So now, it was funny before, but now I'm so mad. Ugh. What the fuck? I turn on her. Yeah. And it's like, only in the middle of a great show, and I'm like, stop doing that, because you've got to get back to the crowd. Yeah. You know what I mean? But you could just tell, I busted his balls.

But I should have just kept going with her. Yeah. Instead, I just got so irritated that she added it. Right after I went back into another bed. Of course. And she's not with him. Right. She's just drunk too. And then you just... You know what I mean? So that's the difference. You always have that side of you for better and for worse. Yep. At a one-man show where I'm in a theater, but I'm just thinking... You know what I mean? Like...

Watch out for somebody. You know what I mean? Yeah. You never fully trust completely. I'm jealous of those comics who can just take a beat and look around. I'm like, what kind of confidence do you have? Unbelievable. Isn't that wild? I'm joke, joke, joke. Just because I'm terrified of losing them. It's unbelievable. And-

That is a real skill. It's a real skill. It's really important. And I don't have a lick of it. But it's a real skill. A lot of those kinds of comics suck, though. A lot of them suck, but the good ones, it's impressive. It is impressive. When you can chill in the silence and then release that tension and get a huge pop, that is pretty damn cool. Yeah. But a lot of those comics I'm watching who are comfortable in the silence, I'm like, you shouldn't be that comfortable.

No, that's true. That's true. That's right. But I wish I had a little of it. Wouldn't you like to have a little of it? Yes. A little. No, I'm with you, man. I fuck up one word. I panic. Same. No, exactly. Frazzled. No, they really, there's things you can take from all these other comics. Yeah. Like that kind of thing where it's really like, that's something you should learn. I do regret not having that. Mm.

Because that's a real, you know, yes, I wouldn't have written as much and I wouldn't be developing. But you could still do that. You still have a work ethic and still have that. In fact, you should give yourself that gift because, you know, you're doing all this hard work.

You know what I mean? And then just to get – and the crowd, it even relaxes them to a certain extent. I know. I know. They like it too. Yeah. Because if – I'm so – that I think they get like lulled almost into this kind of like, I can stop listening because he'll just keep going. Right. But if you pause, they listen more. Because if you pause, you're saying, hey, guess what? This is important. I'm giving you a joke.

Well, I always say Cosby, bad example. But Bill Cosby had less jokes. He's good at putting you to sleep. Less jokes than any goddamn comedian. I know. I didn't even like his act. But the way he structured it, every time he did a joke, we got a reward in the middle of the story. Right, right. So he wrote one-twentieth of the jokes you guys have written. But it was a reward. And that's how those people structure their work. He put a reward in the drink, too, for himself. Yeah.

But yeah, he would do like three hours. Yeah, but I'm saying those weren't three hours of jokes. Yeah, that's a good point. And people loved it. Even comedians loved it.

And yeah. Because it was the structure was set up so you're just like, I'll get you the joke, but you're in the story like, oh, you know what I mean? It's like a nice restaurant where you don't mind the food taking a little longer because you know it's going to be spectacular. That's true. But there is something about the New York pace where you're following a guy at the cellar who's like machine gunning. You've heard that, right? He's machine gunning jokes. And then it's hard to go up there and just be like, what?

What else? But some people do it very successfully. Bargatze. Even in that thing. Yeah, I've seen Bargatze go after some high-energy black comic, and he goes, hey, everybody. And he gets them. I'm like, how did you do that? And you know who used to do that? Ray Romano. They used to call him the Bargatze of the night. Yeah.

Ray Romano would go up after like a killer show Yeah At the cellar Like you know what I mean And everybody just killed And he's like I got two kids It's all young people Not my wife And people are like What the fuck He's two of his kids And in three five minutes He just Get him and kill Wow He just kept his energy

You know what I mean? Now, he had Joke, Joke, Joke. It was a different sub. It was still in his, like, Borghese, in his body, you know, just like, here's the way it's got to be. And as you both know, the real...

The first thing in comedy that takes the hardest to learn is I'm all you've got, folks. This is all you've got. Nobody else is coming. I can't be what I'm not. Same with acting. Yeah. I can't be something. I can't be whatever comic you love. I'm not that person. All I have is me. That's all you got. So it's either enough or not, but nobody's, nothing's coming out of here but this person. And that's, I feel like that's the thing a lot of comics need.

That's the step that takes a few years. Right. When you're just like, this is it, folks. This is all I'm bringing. I can't bring energy. This is not my energy. It's weird because you do the road to connect and to make your shit tight. But then when you do some of those bad road rooms, as you said, you're used to the woo. And that makes you a little more guarded to slow down. Absolutely. How many of those shows have you done where you're like, I have to speed up my set because they're fucking talking? Of course. Well, yeah. Most of them, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's the only good part is, like you said, when you work them...

I mean, it's 50-50. It's going to go great. Or they're going to get thrown out. But sometimes you get great rewards when you're just like, hey, you know, you stop their conversation and bring it in. Sometimes you get some good things out of that. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. But the worst part is in the middle of that thing, you know what I mean? Because if you're not tense with those people, it's less tense. If you're like, hey, what the fuck? Then it gets tense. Right. But the worst part is the people trying to defend you and then starts a fight with another team. Ah.

Shut the fuck up. I can handle this, but it's too late. It's terrible. What do you think of those guys who will do stand-up for years, be great at it, and then just kind of fizzle out and then do maybe a movie here and there or something? Wouldn't you miss it?

You know, these people just kind of stop doing it. But do they really stop? I mean, I feel like everybody goes back to it. I think a lot of people go back because they have to. They're like, I need some income. No, not Kevin James, Ray Romano, Sandler. They don't need income, any of them. But they all go back. They miss it. There's something about the live show that you can't say. Yeah, it's honest. Who are you talking about? Maybe Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy are the two? Oh, yeah, they have perfect examples. But they didn't fizzle out. They didn't fizzle out, but they don't really do stand-up. They stopped stand-up. Letterman.

What the hell? Yeah, Letterman. But he only did crowd work, I think, from what I heard about him. Oh, weird. He didn't have bits. Oh, okay. He was just a crowd work guy. Because everybody blows Letterman, but I'm a Leno guy. Because he's, as a guy, I don't know if you want to talk talk shows, and Letterman's talk show was better, but as a guy, I like Leno.

Yeah, I mean, as a guy, yeah, I don't really know. Like as a stand-up. He seems like a better hang. Oh, he was a much better stand-up. Oh, yeah. Better hang, better stand-up, still doing it. He was a much better stand-up. He was great at stand-up. I mean, he'd go on Letterman and just do these great bits ahead of his time, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, God, you met everybody. What's that? You met everybody. Yeah. And half of them are dead. Yeah. That's the sad part. Yeah, I'm glad you're okay, man. I'm glad. Yeah, it's hard to tell. Well...

Seriously. I went to my, I really have a diet that's really a bit, it's like throwing, it's like a, yeah, I mean, it's a 12-year-old kid diet. Sure, a lot of calories. I went to my doctor, who's a very serious, strict doctor, orthodox, and about a month ago, but I take my medication. This is how good statins are. My diet is not, I did the stress test. He goes, whatever you're doing, keep doing it. Uh-huh. He said, you're in great shape. That's how good statins are. They're the miracle drug. What's a statin?

Yes. If you're old, you know all this stuff. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I don't know stat. Anybody over 50 is like a stat and stat. That's all you talk about. Is that a pill? Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, there it is. All right.

It's the miracle drug of all time. Really? Whoever invented statin should be as rich as Bill Gates. Now, are you cutting back on the bad food? Are you working out? Yeah. I was never in better shape working out than when I had the heart attack. Oh, really? It was because I wasn't taking the statin. I hate to keep saying the word statin, but if it saves one of your listeners, it's the miracle drug. You were in your best shape. Oh, Akira Endo.

Japanese guy. Ah, he invented it. Wow. Okay. Does that freak you out that you're in the best shape of your life and you're... And you have a heart attack. I mean, at the time, it depressed me, yeah. Well, obviously. How painful was the heart attack? Painful. I couldn't even believe how much pain it is. I literally thought you went numb. You know how they always say your left arm goes numb? I was in so much pain. That's what I do when I act about cursing because you feel like a

Like somebody's pushing their elbow or their fist into your chest. And it doesn't stop. I was going crazy. It really hurts. That's fucking terrible. How long does it last? It kept, it had to be an hour until I was finally in the operation. Oh, my God. It's like that Richard Pryor joke. Shouldn't have all that pork. But yeah. He had one of the greatest bits was that bit about his. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

All his medical stuff was really funny. Yeah. He would personify everything. You know, the heart would talk. Yes. The crack pipe would talk. But yeah. Yeah. He was really, yeah. I think that's been covered. Yeah, it has. He's a good comic. He's a good comic, yeah. Did you ever see him go up or no? Live? No. I met him once briefly for two seconds.

Yeah. I don't want to keep you too long. I know you got a thing to go to. I got a big important show. Where are you going after this? I got to go. I got to interview. Somebody wants to, like the New York is doing a piece. You're not doing James Corden? You're doing Five? Oh, yeah.

You got to do a late night set. I mean, James Corden at Balthazar. You still got it. Good to have you back. It's a little old, but it's still there. It still works. It still works. I still want to hear. I still am interested. So you went on the safari. First, you went at a hotel and came down for a couple of days? Yeah, I did the beach and a little nightlife. Where did you go? Cape Town.

It's called Camps Bay. We stayed in a five-star hotel. It's Rand out there. That's the name of their money, Rand. And it's so cheap. Like that pizza would be eight million Rand. So you live like a king. I stayed in these great hotels and we'd go on these tours and we saw ostrich and penguin and baboons. Did you go to that ocean where the ocean meets? Yes.

I did all that stuff. I got some photos of that I'll send you. It's so weird because there's this... You go to this ocean thing. I never felt like this in my life. How are you feeling in parts of Africa? They always go, oh, it's where like light be... And you just get this weird feeling, right? Oh, yeah. It's strange, but... It's weird. And...

We had this old driver lady, and she was sweet as hell, but she's so boring. You know, like, as a comic, you're like, you gotta bring it, sister. Give me some fun facts. So I kept being like, give me some apartheid stuff. She was like, well, that's a little heavy. And I'm like, you're talking about a palm tree. I don't care about the species of plant.

Give me the racism. But she wouldn't do it. Well, you should go to Belfast. I was in Belfast this summer. And they have ex-IRA and UDF fighter guys that give you tours now. Now we're talking. That's the kind of thing you would like. That's what I want. I want a Holocaust museum. I want a 9-11 memorial. I want the juice. It's interesting. Only we had the woman, but she was still interesting. The woman.

She didn't fight with the IRA. I see. Her family was IRA and, you know, it wasn't the one. You want the guy that was in the actual. We were all in Ireland together, remember? Oh, that was great. I still remember us being in that museum and Chris DiStefano farting. And we all start laughing and everyone just stared at us like you guys are fucking trash. And even that museum, it was all English. Yeah. There was no Irish museum. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That was fun as hell. We would meet up at about 10, have breakfast, and be like, we're going to go to the Bluffs, then we're going to go to the museum, then we're going to go to the brewery, and we'd stay there for nine hours and talk. And only one person made the most out of that trip and golfed every day, went all over the country. Nate Bregazzi. Yeah.

You went to the same cafe every day we were there. Yeah, yeah. You're such a New Yorker. You find your spot and you're like, I'm set. How about Borghese golfing? It pissed me off every day when I did it. I mean, I barely knew him, but I was like, what the hell is he doing going out there golfing? He'd go at 6 a.m. Yeah. Yeah, I remember we were sitting there with Chris D. and he just got a sitcom or some pilot or something. Right, right, right. And he was telling you about it and you go...

It's not going to go. And he was like, dude, we got Chaz Pimentieri. We got NBC. It's all locked in. And you're like, I'm telling you, it's not going to go. And it didn't go. Because I read it. Ah. That's tough. It was everything that's wrong. I mean, everything that's wrong with...

Showbiz. The creative thing today. Oh, yeah. Everything about it, I was like, it's not funny. It's resolved. It's all imaginary world. Yeah. Laugh track. No, no. Just the writing, the characters are imaginary. Damn. Well, he's doing fine now. Chris D.,

Funny guy. Love Chris Day. But yeah, see that fest, I don't feel like, I don't know if they would have us back. What? The festival? I don't think they would have us back. Why not? I don't know. I think it was fine, but nobody cared. Right. Look, we all did great, but there was no reason to bring us back.

Nobody's clamoring for us. Sure. Well, you were a thing. I feel like you're a big deal there. Quinn, come on. I thought I would be. We watched your show. You were fucking crushing for me back. Well, remember we saw Tommy Tiernan. Yes. Boy, did he fucking level. It was like 600 seats. Yes. Murdering. Murdering. He'd take his cap off, put it on the mic stand, and just zero to 60. Yeah.

That was great. I bombed a few times because I had to learn the rhythm of it. It's a different rhythm over there. Right. It's a serious... You know, it's so funny because I think you said it, actually, that even though they're drinking, some of these shows are at 9.30, we're in a tent, and they're drinking. So we all know what that vibe is like. Yes. Only the difference is here...

They're listening after each joke. Right. No momentum. Right? No momentum. No, you said that. It's joke to joke. No momentum. So it's a joke. Ha-ha. Okay. What do you got? Yeah. Even though they're drinking, it's deceptive drinking. Totally. The energy is not going to be like hysteria. Tight drinkers. Yes. Yeah. And they're just listening. Yeah. It's really interesting, right? Yeah.

They were great. Did you see the movie Belfast? Yeah. I did. Yeah, it was good. It was cute. It was a good movie. Horrendous. It was literally- They really softened the IRA stuff. The most boring movie I've ever seen. I like Kenneth Branagh, but I just was like, Jesus Christ. It was Disney-fied. There was nothing happening. Yeah. You know a movie I just watched on my flight back, like classic, I've never seen, but fucking amazing, Paper Moon? I'd never seen that. I'd never seen this. The youngest Academy Award winner. Great movie. Dude, it's fucking amazing. Great movie.

Great movie. And all the griffs are brilliant. Like, no one ever pointed out how great these... But they didn't lean on the griffs. They didn't lean. It wasn't about the griffs. Which I'm like, if they made that now, it would be all about the griffs. Yeah. Yes. And they wouldn't be as clever. Yes. But...

That's true. I mean, dude, she's amazing. She's great. It was like, I've never seen a kid act like that. I was about her age when I came in. I was so in love with her for years. Oh, yeah. I thought about it for like two years. That's all I could think about. Well, it was that perfect age. Yeah. No. Well, I mean... And Madeline Kahn was hilarious. Oh, she's underrated. She was great. She's always funny. Young Frankenstein, right? Oh, my God. And how good was she in...

You know, Blazing Saddles. Yeah. Oh, shit, yeah. So good. She was hilarious. Is it true? What a nice guy. She was great in the movie Clue, too. Oh, he was? She was, yeah. By the way, you know what's a bad movie? Speaking of Clue, that new Onion movie. Oh, you didn't like Onion? I didn't hate it. You hated it? You know what happened? I saw it in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

in the theater so i think that really i was kind of like thank god i watched movies on a plane and i'm like this is a great movie tell people like hey what's so good about it i just hate it i mean it was just it was fun it was bad the only good thing about it was well first of all that movie was jerking itself off the whole time was so proud of himself but you were it was christmas and i'm with my wife's family so i'm like put this on and it kind of saved it because it's just so awkward so you just put this movie on and we're all like all right did you like the first one or no

Yeah, it was okay. I mean, Daniel Craig, look, he did the best he could, but he's really not right for that kind of a guy. You don't think he's good? I think he's all right. I like him. For that part, you of all people, he's playing in New Orleans. I do declare. I mean, it's a bit of a blackface on the Southern accent. He's just that great. He's doing a great job for who he is, but he's not the guy for that part. You can't have a guy all jacked up like that. It's just not right. Well, he wants to get out of Bond so bad. He's taking everything. And he's...

doing he's showing his range but i don't need to you know what i mean benoit what have you seen that is good recently oh you see western front no all quiet on the western front the original no the new one no it's incredible it moved me i'd like to say it's moved me jerry so good i think it's up for some oscars what else is up banshee that was good that was really good i know i gotta watch that

Weird as fuck. Yeah, the weird part I didn't like. There was one thing in it that kind of was like, this is insane. But it's a great... I mean, the writing's so good. Like, the dialogue's so fucking... So good. Just a miserable... What's funnier...

Then two friends. Who just hate each other. They're not ruining it because the beginning starts. It's just two friends. They go out every day. There's 10 people in the town and this guy doesn't want to hang out with them anymore. Oh, that's great. So funny. It's funny as hell. And it's like, you know. Is it a spinoff of In Bruges? No, no. Okay. No, but yeah.

No, not at all. No, it takes place like in the 20s, I guess, or something. But man, Colin Farrell is fucking great in it. Oh, my God. It's like tragic. I know. He's so good. Yeah. He's amazing in it. He's got it all. I feel like he was in a ton of shitty movies for like 10 years. He's so handsome. In The Rise, he goes, he's got it all. He's got looks and talent. Yeah, he really was good.

Anything else you saw that's good? I don't know. I think of some other ones. I just rewatched Sexy Beast. You ever seen that? We were talking about it before you got here. No fucking way. Shut up. Really? The best. That's a great movie. I'm laying in a pool in Cape Town. That song Peaches in the beginning. Yes. Pull that up. Pull that up. I used to come on stage for that song. It's just so cool. You did? I love it. Yeah. It's amazing. Great. Yeah. What's that guy's name?

Ben Kingsley? No, no. Ray Winstone. Winstone, yeah, yeah. That's my ideal vacation, just laying in an Italian villa pool drunk at like two. Yes, Don. Yes, Don. You're doing it, Don.

I try to show this to the ladies. And who's the other guy who's the other scary guy? Oh, yeah. Ian McShane. McShane, yes. That movie fucking rules. That movie's great. It's real stylized. There's certain movies that I can't see and not think of Colin. Like Mean Streets is like a Colin movie. Oh, come on. Mean Streets is better than Goodfellas. I'll argue it right now. I'm saying it right now. Too long, maybe. What? It's a little long. Mean Streets? No, Goodfellas. It's about eight minutes too long. Whoa.

I don't like either of these takes. I don't like that take. I mean, I love the movie. I'm just saying. I don't like either take here. No, I'll tell you it was too long. Scarface. Scarface was this brilliant movie and then suddenly this whole montage. A little cartoon. We're like buying the place. I know they're trying to get it all in, but it's like you're covering too much. Right, right. Do a part two. Godfather, you know? Yeah. Scarface had the best character actors of all time.

Well, Mean Streets felt- F. Murray Abraham and- Oh, yeah. I'll tell you another thing that's going to blow his mind. How come there's never been a great character movie about New Orleans? The closest thing to a great character movie in New Orleans with those characters? We all know it. What? Oh, the book? No. Oh. The closest thing to a movie. I mean, a movie that actually close thing to New Orleans characters. Colin, you've got to talk into the mic. Sorry. Closest thing to New Orleans characters. JFK. JFK.

John Candy, Kevin Bacon, Tommy Lee Jones, Joe Pesci. I mean, these people, all New Orleans characters.

You guys are not moved by this. Now, listen. I haven't seen the movie in so long. I saw it as a kid and I was too young to- It's the best. The movie itself is good. Yeah. But the characters are so funny and so brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. I got to rewatch it. I went on an Oliver Stone kick as a kid and I think I was too young for like half of them. Yeah. Yeah. Salvador is amazing. Platoon, obviously. Platoon is great. Wall Street and JFK. That's all you need to see with him. They won't let him make another movie now unless it's-

A gangster movie. Isn't that weird? Oh, that's Coppola, sorry. Well, Coppola's got movie trouble now, right? Isn't there some weird thing happening? Why? It's like people are walking off the set or something like that. Yeah, pull it up. He walked off the set? I think Oliver Stone got a little QAnon-y. Yeah. Megalopolis. Oh, my God. He's been trying to make this for 40 years. Oh, Will Smith. Maybe that's the problem. Yeah, old slapperoo. Ray Rice. Yeah.

I heard Rock's got some great Will Smith stuff. Finally. Oh, I bet he does. Yeah. All right. What are we reading on camera here? All right, boys. Come on. I think it'll come out eventually. 80s in New York. Oh, boy. It's crazy that like Apocalypse Now, so that just kind of like ruined Coppola. I mean, he had a couple movies after that, but I feel like he couldn't. Do you think that just fucked him up?

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you know, all those movies after that were stupid, like The Outsiders and all that shit. I think that's what fucked him up. That was a hit, though. Not The Apocalypse Now, The Outsiders and One from the Heart. It's his fault. We're making all those shit movies after that. I never saw Rumblefish. That was him, too, right? Yeah, he did Rumblefish. That was another one, yeah. Yeah, that's dumb. Yeah, why would you make those movies? Why? Paycheck? I don't know. No, he didn't need a paycheck. He had a winery. Ah.

I'll tell you, he's probably pissed because George Lucas really made the money.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. George Lucas made the, oh, boy, he made the real money. He got the merchandise for Star Wars. Yes, yes. It's like Nicholson with Batman. He got all the money. He got a merch deal for Batman. And I think he got a piece of every Batman movie. That's the kind of thing that the last of those was, they're like, that'll never happen again. Never happen again. They're like, we're not going to let that happen. He got a piece of Batman. Yeah.

Yeah. That's insane. Especially because he had nothing to do with any DC Marvel before that or after that. He was just like, no, I just want a piece. And they gave it to him. That movie, he got so much money, he made Wolf.

Oh, yes. That was fun. I remember when, doesn't he piss on J.S. Vader's shoes? He's marking his territory. I remember that a little bit. Had some fun moments. A little R. Kelly. Even bad Nicholson movies are kind of fun. Oh, yeah. What about Ben Kingsley does that on the floor, right? Doesn't he piss on the floor? Oh, yeah. A little dominance. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Nicholson's always fun, no matter how bad. Even I watched It's Complicated or whatever the fuck he's in with. That's not him. Something's got to give. Something's got to give. I watched that because he's in it. He's fun. He's fun. I think, what is he? Is he in the 90s yet? He's 80. He's got to be, yeah. I'd give him one more year. Don't fucking say that. I don't want him to go. I'm just saying. We're not doing Death Pool on Nicholson. All right, all right. He's definitely close, though. But don't put it out there. Have you seen him at the Lakers games? Oh, he looks like ass. Have you seen the Lakers at the Lakers games? Yes.

Nice. Nice. Why go? Yeah, I mean, Duke, I love that he would still be courtside with Town. Yes. The two guys. Robert Town. Look at that. Holy shit. He looks like Susan Boyle. Jesus. That was young. That was years ago. Oh, that's when he's still sexy. Holy hell. I heard you guys used to close your acts with Nicholson.

That was a big insult when I was coming up. Guys, hold on. Let me, the turnaround in this. Jack Nicholson in the army. Oh, that's fun. Bucket list. Yeah. I don't know if I mentioned on this, but underrated Nicholson movie, The Last Detail. Oh, yeah. Great movie. Underrated movie. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Oh, Sandler. Banged a lot of porn stars. Nicholson? Sandler. Oh. No, no, Nicholson.

Yeah, him and Angelica Houston. Speaking of Sandler, man, grown-ups. Oh, man. Quink and Hoop. What's that? Oh. You got a J? I wish they would have had a couple more of my moves in there. Really? Yeah. I like that they're playing that hot chocolate song, Everyone's a Winner. Great tune. Oh, great. But how about the fact that we played every day. It was so relaxing and fun hanging out there. That set all day for like two months.

All comedians, everybody's just joking and shooting hoops all day, waiting for the, you know, between shots. I mean, what's more fun than that? Yeah. Just standing there shooting around. But the best player...

By far. The kid that played my son in the movie was like 10 years old. He had an outside shot. It was crazy. Really? And all the extras are sitting on them watching us. So every time we miss, oh, this kid, he was the – by the end of the movie, he was like – People just loved him. Really? He was the greatest. Wow. I never saw the movie. Well, it was a classic. You missed. Where was that kid? Anyway. Yeah.

Now, how fun is that? I mean, Sandler is just the best at like, we'll go to Hawaii. We'll do first dates. We'll live there for a year. That's how he is. Genius. Everybody stays top. And he works basketball into the movies. You guys just get together and he plays every break at lunch. He finds a court and plays. That's his thing.

Wow. And one day I'm like, I can't play it on sneakers. He goes, get him sneakers. And somebody shows up with sneakers for me. New sneakers, basketball sneakers. Wow, that's amazing. The Kyrie 5s. Yes. Well, not those, but yeah, good sneakers. It was crazy. That's amazing. I heard that you guys used to go do the cellar and just walk to West 4th Street and play until like 5 in the morning. We probably did. I mean, I remember playing late at night at West 4th here. And we used to play...

When, right before Tough Crowd, me, Patrice, and all these guys, Big Jay. Yeah. Big Jay can hoop. Really? I've heard that. Big Jay. So we'd go and play at Chelsea by 10th Avenue and like 23rd Street, 22nd Street, or 28th Street. They have this court. And we'd play. Everybody would go there and play. Little Kev, Kevin Hart can hoop. Oh, I bet. And Big Jay and Patrice would be against each other.

They were the two centers. And both of them could really hoop. Wow. And Big Jay had a little spin. I still remember his spin game. Yeah. Yeah, we used to play. It was fun. That's hilarious. Really fun. Big Jay and Patrice. One in the morning, two in the morning. Yeah. You know what's so sad about that is if you did that now, we'd all have to get content. Hold on.

Let me get Kev doing the spin move and we'd have to film it. I know, but aren't you kind of bummed you don't have any footage of that? That's a good point. No, I feel like the memory was, as long as I can remember it, it's fine. There you go. It'd be kind of cool, though, if we could go to it. It would be cool, but... Geez, you've got your late feelings. I've seen Kevin Hart. He does the All-Star Weekend shit. I think he tied Draymond Green in a three-point shooting contest. I believe it. He can really play. Berkeley. That's the kid? Is that him? That's him, huh? Wow, he kind of looks like you. Who's that kid?

Is that him? Oh, he's playing for Northwestern. That's his fuck shot. He played for Northwestern? Oh, that's why. Kid had experience. No, he was a little kid. That's him? I don't know. You tell us. I have to see him as a kid to really understand.

I guess so, yeah. But he really had a good game. Yeah, that looks like him in the corner there. Oh, he's a little guy. He played football. Yeah, but he was a really good hoop. Yeah, he was an athlete. Yeah, there he is. That's him. Yeah, I can see it. Little Quinn. Really good. I mean, he was just – He's eating up. He's like –

He was killing the whole crowd because the crowd, you know, we're all shooting. Anytime you miss, this kid's blasting it. The whole crowd's cheering every day. That must have been fun as hell. Oh, it was so much fun. Does this kid know what he had? He's playing hoop with Sandler and all these guys. What is this, a make-a-wish? That's insane. That's me and Super Shimmy.

What a life. I know. It's great. Yeah. All right, I better get the hell out of here. You're the best, Colin. We love you. Go see Colin's show at the Lucille Lortel Theater right now. I guarantee you're going to be happy you went there. Oh, yeah. One of the best.

Period. Seen parts of it. It's incredible. I think some of you are better. That Twitter chunk, I don't want to give anything away, but it's unreal. The Law & Order chunk for me is fucking unbelievably funny. Oh, the podcast bit? Oh, yeah. Thanks. So good, man. Killer. Check it out. Tickets are moving. Nice, guys. What's the website? Tickets are hopping. I don't know. ColinQuinn.com probably. I don't know.

ColinQuinnShow.com. It's not rocket science. You know, folks, no offense if you can't find that. I don't want it coming. I don't need Michael Lydian. All right, and this episode will come out in June. So...

Sunday. Oh, even better. Zadies. Oh, yeah. I'm back in the clubs. I got a special taping coming up, so I'm really hitting the clubs hard because I got to tweak this hour. It's a quarter past 80% done, and I'm going to Hawaii again, which that won't help my act. But in the Miami improv, you really want to run it through the mud, go to Miami. That's one you're going to have to speed that set up for. Yeah, exactly. Spokane Comedy Club, all the hot rooms. Skyline and Appleton, whoop.

baby comedy at the Carlson laugh it up and Poughkeepsie you go to Mark Norman comedy.com check it out we'll see you now we're starting off the tour New Orleans Austin uh Dallas Tulsa uh St. Louis Vegas Vancouver Portland uh

fucking Seattle all over Salt Lake Huntington AC Royal Oak Minneapolis Boston DC I'm all over samorell.com slash shows I'll see you on the road can't wait and get your bodega cat whiskey dot com bodega cat whiskey dot com beard you got anything to plug

The only thing I got to plug is that I'm just going on a long trip at the end of the month, at the end of this month. So if anyone's out there in like Malaysia, Singapore, Taiwan. Whoa, what are you soul searching? What's going on out there? You're going to find out. Might meet like a little lady boy. Got a new bartender here. You have a little bar back with you. Let me know.

And we're thinking about doing a little America's Got Talent style bartender off for his temporary replacement. So if you're a bartender and you think you got what it takes, get in here. We'll sample your shit. We love you. Thanks for listening. See the great Colin Quinn and stay safe. Yeah. Can I get another South African delay? Nice. I'm out to lunch here at noon. This woman does it.