Ep 109: Elf C*M
02:03:03 Share

All right, let's rock. You ready? Oh, yeah. Where the hell's this beer, Jew? Where is he? Hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. It's the holiday season. Uh-oh, wait. When's this come out? March? Early January, probably. Oh, okay. Well. Hey, we could do some resolutions. Hey, I like it. Now, when do you have the New Year cut off? Your happy New Year? I think early.

I think early on. I think you get the first week or so. Yeah. And then after that, it's like, what are we doing? Okay. It's a new year. It's a new year. We got it. We got some eggnog. I can't think of eggnog without Dave Attell's Elfcom bit. Elfcom. You can't look at eggnog without thinking it's Elfcom because of Dave. Sign of a good bit when you can't not think of it when you're just hanging out.

I said it before, Todd Berry. Anytime he sees a guy with a neck tattoo, he forgot to not do that. Let me smell it. I got a really good nose. I just put it in my coffee. Oh, shit. It's been opened before? He's like a toucan, this guy. He's a bloodhound. It's got so much sugar, it's probably fine. That's what they said about Ralphie May. All right, that's the last Ralphie May. It smells sweet, not sour. Oh, good. Tastes good in the coffee. Here, I'm the eggnog expert.

So do you load that with booze also? You put booze in that? Or does it come loaded? No, no. Beer juice running late, so we're starting with some eggnog. That's perfection.

I need more eggnog in my life. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like, why only once? I guess a once a year is good for eggnog. It would be weird to have it in July. Yeah. You see a dude in July with eggnog, you're like, that's a little real rich. Milk was a bad choice. Yeah, I just bought a quart. I've already finished it. But it's crazy to think, like, that size of eggnog is in my body now. I've been drinking throughout the week. A bodega cat. A bodega cat. A little BC. Get the morning started right. Before Christ. Before cock. Yeah.

So I'm watching Mad Men. I'm re-watching it. Oh, best show. So good. That's why you're in a drinking mood this afternoon. Yeah, maybe you're right.

But there's that one scene, I don't want to give too much away, but the alcoholic guy who pisses his pants. Oh, Freddie Robson. Yes, Freddie. The whole show, I didn't realize he's just pouring screwdrivers and shit. Like, you know, the one guy who has breakfast, huh? But I didn't catch it until seeing it again now that I know he whizzes himself. One of my favorite scenes, and I don't know if we ever pulled it. We might have played it on the show, but the scene where Pete tries to fuck over, spoiler, tries to fuck over Don. Yeah. By being like, you know, this man is a deserter at best.

Oh, yeah. And Burt Cooper just looks at him and was just like, who cares? He goes, this country was founded with men with much worse records. Yes. And he goes, and even if what you say is true, it's in the company's best interest to forget about this. Yeah. It's such a great fucking moment. Great moment. Now, this is a real alcoholic move. My dad does the old spinnaker. Did he ever do it to you? Oh, yeah.

A little Subway handrail on that one. Yikes. This is good. Oh, yeah. It's actually, it is hitting the spot. Is an eggnog usually rum or whiskey or does it not really matter? It started with rum. That was the original. But this works. Now it's rye. Yeah, rye. I like rye better. Yeah. Yeah.

So I got the Pete here. I'm not sure this is the one. He insults Peggy and then Don puts him in his place. No, no, no, no. It's a Bert. Put in Bert Cooper. I mean, I basically just said the scene. I don't know if we need to do it. You know what you guys got to see? Someone showed me this the other day. You ever see Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray snap on some fucking kid? No. It's one of the funniest clips. I hope I'm not building it up too much. This guy is out of his mind. Is this the one? I don't know. Let's see. Sugar Gay. Yeah, he calls him Sugar Gay. Oh!

Move it! I said sugar! I said that! Chip? You say that? No, I didn't say anything. You want me to be smart? Did I say anything? Did I say anything? Did you say something? No, I did not say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck, you didn't say anything. Chuck

Never seen this. Choke your fucking face, you see that? That's probably 2004. I don't know. It was a different time. That's all it took to set him off. Yeah. Well, he's heard it before. Plus the frosted tips. Imagine this guy when he discovers Twitter. It keeps going. Oh, it does? Yeah, look how long that is. Oh, yeah. Little bitch-ass fucking shit. I'll fucking choke your fucking face. Are you done? Yeah, you're done.

I'm standing right here. It's almost like he's angry at himself. He's like, this is like insults. You'll never make it in this business. He's like, why did we rhyme our name with gay? Yeah. It was a layup. Oh, wasn't he the host of extra? Yeah. He left touring for that shit. Wow.

He probably could have made Bank on the Road. Oh, yeah. And he's a hunk of a guy. Oh, yeah. They had a couple good songs. They were all right. I just want to fly. I think he just wants to fight. Like, who's that for? Who's he doing that for? Go to the end, because it gets crazy.

I just want to fly off the handle. Wow. Fuck you in the ass? This kid's got a poster. He wanted a signature. What a 180 this kid had. What did he say? He goes, you're nothing but my little fart?

What's the language? It's not exactly roast battle. He's taking pictures too. That's the most insulting part. This guy's badass. You got some new fans over here, Mark. I love sugar right now. See this? I'm going to go buy me a sugar.

Wow. What a find. What a find. Some Mark McGrath snapping. He's probably just a fan. Yeah. I know. I thought he was like a playful roast. Yo, beer juice in the house. Uh-oh, he's got to take a shit. Oh, here he goes. If I snapped on every fan who called me gay, I would be a busy guy. You'd be an MMA fighter. Yeah, exactly. MMGay. Man.

Man. I went out. I got fucking... I got kind of housed last night. I'm hurting. Admittedly, I text Peters and Norman this morning. I was like, how do you guys feel about an IV while we drink? Just to get me back on my feet. But I hit the gym. I sucked it up. I feel all right. But... This will help. This will help. But I did a benefit last night to...

The Ally Coalition, the singer Jack Antonoff puts it on. It was at Skirball. It was a big thing. It was fun. He's a huge comedy guy, right? Yeah, he was really cool. He's really talented, man. He's a really talented guy. That's a big room. Yeah, it was big. It was a cool show. Birbiglia was on it. Nice. Jackie Novak. Oh, yeah. I knew Jackie. And some musicians. I don't know anything about modern music, so I didn't. My friend John Weisberg's with me, and he's like, that's Phoebe Bridgers. And I was like, I don't know.

Is that the fleabag? No, that's what I thought for a second. No, it's the singer. It's the singer. And then she went out and got the hugest ovation. I'm like, I'm out of touch. She was amazing. They might not know who we are either. Yeah, but they're way bigger than we are. That's true. She's like a huge star, apparently. Good point. I mean...

Yeah. And burning bridges. All right. And then, yeah, we got sauced. It was a pizza guy from Raza, a Jersey City place, unreal. And then we, it was one of the things where we kept drinking through the night. So we ended up at a bar in the, all I remember is we ended up at a bar in the West Village. Right.

Saw Jared Freed there. That's hilarious. And then some people recognized me at the bar, so I'm just getting wasted with these people. And all I remember is them being like, where were you tonight? I said, I did a benefit. And I was so drunk, I was like, what was it for? And I was like, teenage abortion. It was for teenage abortion. And then we started singing the Hanukkah song and we walked them. Because we kept singing the Hanukkah. OJ Simpson. That was great. Not a Jew.

Paul Newman. Wrecked. Half. Yeah. Cody Hawn's half Jewish. Paul Newman's half Jew. There it is. Put them together with a fine looking Jew. That was a great song. That song changed the game. I'll put it up against any Christmas song. Easy. It's all we have. Easy there. Sandler. What a beauty. Where you been, man? I've been around. I just moved.

Yeah. Figuring things out. We started without you. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I mean. What are you in Queens? Upper East Side. Sorry. I heard. Upper East Side's got every fucking train now. Yeah, they got the queue up there now. And De Niro just got robbed up there. I saw that. Yeah. That's the story. I didn't hear it. Worst thing to happen to him since Little Fuckers 2. And the comedian. Oh, man. That was rough. We were in that.

Oh, yeah, our headshots were in it. Someone said that to me, and they're like, you're in a movie. I'm like, what? I wasn't so... I've been that surprised to have a headshot since Kennedy. All right, I couldn't get it out. The joke works, though. All right, I was floundering. No, but these are already hitting us.

No, we, uh, that's crazy. He got robbed. Yeah. Wasn't it by an extra in one of his movies or something? No, it was by a lady who was a serial robber, and she, they caught her under the tree. Literally, came downstairs, she's under the tree, and the cops ran in. Damn, if he's got kids, they gotta be like, Santa's a woman. Ah. No, because women just take. Yeah. She's 30 years old, and she had a string of robberies. Damn.

Mm-hmm. It's weird. I know. It's kind of like, I mean, Bad Santa's one of my favorite holidays. Oh, great movie. Great comedy. There she is. Shanice. 30. So she robbed his house or robbed him?

Under the tree. But he was home for it. He was home. Did she know it was De Niro's place? I don't think so. Imagine being a robber and De Niro walks out. Yeah. That's got to feel pretty rough. Robbing me? Do you think that's, like, as a robber, do you think that's, like, kind of cool? Or are you like, oh, shit, I love Casino? Yeah. Good question. How do you feel, do you think? I would have gone for the Oscars. Fuck that. Fuck the presents.

Get the gold. Yeah, once you see an Academy Award in there, you're like, ah, shit, this might be a news story. I know, but you're like, is this Polanski? Is this Harvey? It could be anybody. It's definitely not Polanski. Oh, yeah, he's overseas. Where did he go, Spain? Like 20 years, he'll be like, we should stop raping. Right, right. That's really where you get, you really can just get, or like where Switzerland is another one.

Where do you live? I guess Europe. You just go to Europe. It used to be Mexico, and I was like, go to Mexico. I feel like that's over. I mean, Louis said in his new special, he goes, so I've been in France for the last two years or whatever, for obvious reasons. So I guess that's where he went as well. Yeah, I guess that's the spot. Me Too Riviera. The French really...

They made a statement. The women made a statement. Not me. That was their whole thing. Instead of me too, they did not me. They did not me. Which is like, we should take a road trip. When the French president Mitterrand died, his widow sat...

next to his mistress at the funeral. They sat side by side. Whoa. This is what we do. Yeah. We both have claim to this guy's life. Carmella never would have sat next to a guma. Never. I mean, dude, how about Macron? His wife was his teacher. That's like a porno. What?

His wife with this fucking teacher. Like in college? I think so, yeah. She's like at least 20 years older than him. Wow. She looks so held together. Yeah, good looking lady. But I mean, she was his teacher. Uh-oh. She's got teacher vibes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's definitely younger.

Women love when a guy's dating an older lady or married, or they're like, oh, that's so sweet. And you're like, shut up, just because it makes you feel better. Better. But that's how it goes. This is hidden, dude. The problem is you can drink 17 of these, then you don't shit for a month. Yeah, all the milk and cream. Eggnog and rye? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is definitely a festive drink. Yeah. It's a time of year. Is there anything else? I guess like warm spiced rum is really good. Hot toddy. Hot toddy. Mold wine. Yeah, mold. Warm alcoholic drinks are kind of underrated. Underrated. What was the one you said we got to try? The wine one? I think that was the mold wine, yeah. We haven't tried that yet, though. We can definitely do mold wine. It takes like a day to prep. We can like fortify it with like brandy or whiskey. Make it like really have a punch.

Then there's hot cider. I love hot cider. That's one of my favorite drinks. Yeah, it's nice. Hot cider with some herbs in there like sarnas and cinnamon. Oh, baby. And a little bourbon. What is that? It's delicious. Hot watered rum? Whoa. Sounds like a gay thing. My nipples are hard. Yeah. Holy hell. Oh, my God. Who knew?

Where were you last weekend? San Francisco, baby. Oh, did you go to Sotomayor? I did. Oh, dude. Love that town. I had a great time. That town is magical. You know, you hear all the news stories like they'll cut your head off, they'll steal your watch. It was great. Oh, it's one of my favorite cities. Because you know what? As New Yorkers on the West Coast, that's as close as we get. Yes, exactly. You can take a walk. That great bookstore, City Lights. City Lights. City Lights.

Dude. Yeah, I just walked to the pier every day. Then I went to Little Italy. Then I went to Chinatown. And I'm just walking up and down the hills. And my ass hurt. That was from the Castro. But just a great time.

Crowds were great. Dude, I love SF. SF. The sun was shining, and it was kind of chilly. It was a perfect, perfect weather. The whole thing was great. Yeah, dude. Great food. That chowder. Oh, the chowder. Got dim sum. Where'd you go? Some, you know. Yang Sing. That's the spot there. Oh, really? Yang Sing. My boy Adam Swig is like the mayor there. He's literally like Lebowski. He just looks like Lebowski. Oh, fun. And he just takes me to all these spots. Oh, fun.

And he took me to a Giants game last time I was there. Fucking great. Maybe the most beautiful ballpark in the country. I know, and it's right in the city. It's gorgeous. Gorgeous, yeah. SF has got some problems, but it is a beautiful city. I opened with that. I was like, I went shopping today. It was all under $1,000, so I got it for free. And they were like, ah!

He knows about us. Cobbs is an epic weekend. And your photo's on the wall. Is it? Yeah, you got a bit like, you know, Geraldo, Atel, you. I'm honored. Yeah. Wow. It's fun seeing your peers on the wall. Because, you know, coming up, it was like, oh, there's John Panetta. Or, oh, there's, you know, Louis C.K. Or there's...

Yeah, Chris Rock, and now it's us. I'm like, oh, there's Soder. You move the Panette photo, it's room for three more. Yeah. Legend. He's a legend. Oh, yeah, funny guy. But now it's like Soder, it's all these guys we know, so it's fun. I love that dude.

Yeah, it's fun. I saw Soda at the airport the other day. It's fun. Just like Thursday when you go to the airport, you're like, who am I going to see? Nothing better than comics at the airport. Yeah. That is the best. It is really fun. You feel like you're both like paratroopers. You're like, where are you headed? You're like, you're both going to battle. I'm going to Denver. Oh, I'm going to Phoenix. Yeah, it is the best, man. Vita and I fly into...

We're flying to Tacoma last weekend, and six-hour flight. Yeah. There was a crying baby. No! The entire way. It didn't stop. That hurts. Six hours. Wait for the whole time? Stamina. That's impossible. Yeah. Wow.

Brutal. Six hours. How far back? Are you in first? We were in first. Veeder too? Veeder got the upgrade, baby. I don't know. It kind of bugged me seeing those feet dangling in first. Come on, man. You know, you could use a Delta Comfort. It is funny when there's a tiny dude in first.

Yeah, right? There's a baby in first. That's crazy. That should be part of first. You don't have to deal with the baby. That's true. That is true. Adults first. You want to see the flight attendant just walk over like, hey, can I just see the baby and just put a chloroform rag on it? Oh, my God. Just knock it out. Look, I used to fly with my ex-girlfriend. I had a tiny dog. We'd give it Benadryl, and the thing would be like, it was a yappy chihuahua. It was the biggest cunt of a dog on the planet. You like something about Mary? Yes, exactly.

And it would be like dead. You get to pet it and poke it. And it was great. Why not give a baby a Benadryl? That's all. Give it a half. You're going to be a great dad. All right. You know what, though? He's a good dad for the community. Yeah. Thank you. The community thanks him. Drug your baby. I got on a plane next to a baby, and the mother handed me a little Ziploc baggie, and it had a candy in it and earplugs. She was like, I'm sorry. Why?

Wow. Yeah, wow. Because she knew what was going to happen. See, I like that because I'm an anxious guy, and if I was crying, I would be freaking out. When you hand her a sleeping mask, you start masturbating. Oh, my. I'm sorry, too. I have a problem. Here's a Benadryl for you. I'm sorry for that one.

You know, we had... Vito and I were getting... I'm getting sauced on the flight. They were those tip-top old-fashioned cans. Oh, I love those. So I start getting smashed on the flight, and Vito and I keep doing... Whenever the baby goes, Vito and I just start going...

And I posted a couple of them on Instagram stories and someone responds, you know, come doing the Q&A thing. They respond, you know, it's really cruel to make fun of a baby for that because the altitude really hurts their ears and they're in a lot of pain. I was like, isn't it more cruel to take a baby on a plane then? Oh.

Good point. Come at me. It's a fucking vacation he's never going to remember. Ah. Right? Great point. Unless it's a funeral or something. Hopefully it's the babies. Oh, my God. In which case, the baby needs to be there for the eulogy. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

I've never been to a baby funeral. Do they have a teeny tiny casket? They do. Do they? We saved some money there. That's true. That's true. That's nice. That's something I've always wondered. Do bigger people pay more for clothes? Because it is more fabric. I think so, yeah. You do. You do.

I mean, it's only fair. I guess it isn't fair because you're born, if you're born six, eight or whatever. Yeah, I pay more for clothes. Really? Yeah. Well, I also have to get like special jeans and stuff because I'm not like huge and tall. I'm just tall. We're really attacking everybody in this. Going after babies. We're going after the big and tall. Uh-huh.

Man. Well, big shoes definitely cost more. It's more material, right? It's more material. Yeah, big shoes. They're also harder to find. Thankfully, I found a few places around the city that are just lifesavers. Yeah. What size shoe? 14 1⁄2. Wow, that's a hard size to half. Yeah, it's kind of annoying. At that point, do they even go halves? Sometimes, but not really. You've got to go one way or the other. But I wear a lot of boots, which helps. Boots help. Yeah. What are you? I'm 13. Wow. Wow.

That's a tiny little baby foot you got there. That's a hoof. Yeah, 89 and a half. Woo! Dude, wow. That was really cute the way you just did that. Yeah. Twirling them around. That was really, oh, dude. Peters. Adorable. Doing it for you. 14. 13. Wow. Big feet in here. Jesus Christ. Man.

I'm not going to say mine. I'm 11. I'm 11. But my dad ate size 8 shoe. Huge dong. So that is a myth. Yeah, for sure. When was the last time you saw your dad's dong? 1984. No, no, probably. It was a Tuesday at the wedding. He got really drunk. It was a rainy Tuesday. No, I still have the newspaper clipping. It was probably, I don't know, 89. Oh, well, that's...

I don't know. Your memory might be skewed. Yeah, exactly. You were tiny, dude. I was tiny. Yeah. But he would sleep nude, and it would just really flop and flip all over the bed. Nice. Yeah. Is it big to you because you were little? That's the question. That's how you do it. You become a legend when you're a kid. Just show him your dick once when he's like three. Yeah. And no matter how big or small, the kid's going to be like, my dad's got a nice hog. Exactly. That's how you do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, let the lore build. Child Services has entered the chat. Just get that dick nice and hard. Show it to your kid. Just once, on accident. I'd be like, whoa! But wait, you guys didn't sword fight with the dad?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We sort of fight it and lose our head to suck. It was tough. I never won once. So, yeah, you sort of fight it with your dad? Me, my brother, my dad. You know, all in the bowl. Oh, pissing cross-extreme. Yes. Okay, yes, I've done that with my brother. All right.

There you go. I think we called that crossing the stream. What was it called? Crossing the stream because it was a Ghostbusters joke. Don't cross the streams. No, every kid did that together. Okay. I think sword fighting has to do with touching penises. Yeah, that was a joke I was making. Oh, we didn't do that. They were limp. We intertwined them. Yeah. All right. Then there's docking. You ever heard of that? Oh, yeah. What is that again? I'll bring it up.

Pull it up. You want to put your penis in the other person's penis? That sounds horrible. I mean, how does your dick hole that big? That sounds impossible. Oh, it's not. It's a foreskin thing. Oh, it's foreskin. And they sort of overlap. All right. Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that. That's good. Also circ'd. Are you circ'd? Oh, yeah. Just so late. I assume we all are. Yes. Oh, okay. You ever do any docking? Whip it out, beard you. Any docking? No.

I'm going to surf. People say it's mutilation, but I'm going to do it too. Ah, the photos just came up. Fuck me. Yeah, I don't like that. You'll surf when you have a kid? You'll surf? It's not helping the nog. What if it's a girl? Will you surf? Yes, yeah, get that clit out of there.

Who needs it? No, but my friend is 34. He got circed at 31 because he kept getting infected. That's brutal. Oh, my God. That's terrible. I know. Isn't that like, aren't you in the hospital or something for that? Yeah, I mean, he had to get surgery. It has to be, right? He said it was a nightmare. But he's like, I'll definitely do it to my kid.

Yeah, I mean, a bris is such a weird... Remember Geraldo's joke about how he's like, I don't even know what you wear to a bris. I just wore a tie with the end snipped off. Oh, man, that's a great joke. That's a great jokey joke. I love jokes like that. That and clean. Dude, uh...

Yeah, baristas were so weird. I remember, like, you know, you have bagels and you have, like, whitefish salad and someone's dick gets snipped. Wow. No weenies? It's just weird to be like, what are we catering? Is it a wedding? Slightly different. Yeah. Separations. Yeah. Man, just that first time you celebrate with a cigar. It really is that. It's the same thing. Damn. Damn. Oh.

What a weird gig is a moil. You're next. Pull it out. Whip it. Whip it. What a weird... You're a child. You just get your... You don't know what's going on. You just start crying. Yeah. You just see a guy with a giant beard and a knife, and you're like, what the fuck? You know where they should do it is on planes. The kid's going to cry anyway. You knock it out. All right.

Hey folks, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. When you're on top of the world, you can do great things. But if life gets you bogged down and you can't do anything, you feel overwhelmed. Working with a therapist makes you more prepared to take on everything life throws at you. We love therapy. We're in therapy. Highly recommend it. Get the garbage out. It's building up in your head. You can't fester. Everybody's festering about something. I don't care who you are, Kanye or anybody else.

BetterHelp is convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. Fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Easy peasy. Tell them how to do it. If you want to live a more empowered life, Kanye, therapists can get you there. Visit BetterHelp.com slash drunk today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk.

Yes. All right. Drunk factor. Okay, wait, are we starting now? Start off 2023 with your own personal chef factor shops, preps. Okay, let me redo that. My eyes are fucking dumb. Start off 2023 with your own personal chef factor shops, preps, cooks, and deliveries to your door so you can enjoy chef crafted, dietitian approved food.

Minus the hassle. These fresh, never frozen meals are delicious and nutritious. We love these guys. They're chef's choice options. Always taste great. They're simple, like Kanye. And...

With calorie smart and keto options, Factor Meals are perfectly portioned to keep you on track with your goals. Factor now offers over 34 meals per week and over three dozen add-on options. Each Factor meal arrives pre-prepared by their team of chefs ready to heat and eat in just two minutes. Tell them how, Mark. Go to factor75.com slash drunk60. Use code drunk60 to get 60% off your first box.

That's drunk60 at go.factor75.com slash drunk60 to get 60% off your first box. Get on it. Oh.

Hey, you probably think you spend around $80 a month on subscriptions when the actual total is closer to $200. Most Americans do. You could be wasting hundreds of dollars each month on subscriptions you don't even know about. That's why we love Rocket Money, formerly known as Truebill. Rocket Money shows all your subscriptions in one place, even the ones you didn't know you were paying for, and cancels whatever ones you don't want. You may even find out you've been double charged for a subscription. It happens to

To cancel a subscription, just press cancel and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. Easy. Tell them out. Get rid of useless subscriptions with Rocket Money now. Go to rocketmoney.com slash drunk. Seriously, it could save you hundreds per year. That's rocketmoney.com slash drunk. Cancel your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney.com slash drunk.

No drink liquid. IV folks feel like your best self in 2023 with liquid IV in just one stick. You get five essential vitamins, two times faster hydration than water alone. I like, what's your favorite flavor, Mark? I like a pina colada. Oh yeah. I like the lemon lime. Use it first thing in the morning before a workout. When you feel run down after a long night, we've had a few of those fart like Mark just did and use it on long flights. Uh,

I use it after charity gigs where I get shit-faced. Free from gluten, dairy, and soy, Liquid IV complains. Complains. I complain. Liquid IV contains three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks. It uses cellular transport technology designed to enhance rapid absorption of water and other key ingredients into the bloodstream. Mark, tell them how. Good!

Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use promo code DRUNK at checkout. That's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code DRUNK at liquidiv.com. Get hydrated.

What's that? You're going to have a kid one day. Am I? You are. How do you know? He's barren. Wait, think about it. Wait, is that the man thing? No, it's women. What is men? Infertile? No. Sterile? Sterile. Yeah. There you go. Sterile Crow. Will you have him? That didn't impress me much. Give him a mask? If you have a mask. I got to soak up some sun. All right, so.

but you have him dip? Yeah, yeah. Just so it looks like your dick? I just want bagels. I just want to have a get-together. You can't do that without it. Yeah. That's the point. Now here's the question, and this is where we get weird.

Is a pedophile enjoying a bris or hating a bris? Because at the first glance, you're like, hey, baby dick, this is great. But is he like, ah, you're hurting the dick, the thing I love. I think it's like a movie where you love the first half. Ah. And then you're like. It's like the top 10%. Stripes, really. I got you. Second half kind of goes off the rails. A little too violent. It's like the opposite of Saving Private Ryan. Right. You're like, wow. Right.

Yeah, I like the storm in the beach, but yeah, okay, interesting. You're probably right. Abris. You leave early.

What are we drinking, by the way? I see you're like laboring over there. This is an intensive drink. Oh, we're waiting for you guys to kind of get down the nog a little bit. Making a cocktail. This is going to be a switch up from that a little bit. Not going to be as sweet, but still a little sweetness. Not going to work. Is it Bodega Cat? It's Bodega Cat Gold Rush. Ooh, a Gold Rush. I don't even know. I've heard of this. I don't know what's in it. So a Gold Rush is really simple. It's basically like a flip on a riff on the bee's knees. And

What was that again? Good band. Gin, honey, and lemon. So it was going to be rye, honey syrup, and lemon. And a little bit of nuttiness to it with some disaronno and a little cinnamon. Ooh, disaronno. Remember those ads? Those disaronno ads were kind of sexy. Chris Imperioli. No, that was... Michael. No, he did 1809, I think. Oh. He did the tequila. Yeah. Who did disaronno on the rocks? Yeah, it was like a hot woman, wasn't it? Maybe it was a woman. There was also this suave, like...

Spanish bartender who did a lot of those ads at first. Are those fireball shots? I guess. I didn't know what he means. I fucking hate fireball. I do too. It's so not my thing. It's Lady Jaeger. That's good. Jaeger. By the way. Doug Key over here. Oh, wow. You're right. Doug Key is kind of hot. Kind of. Is this the ad you're talking about? This is it. I guess it was just a hot bartender. You're right. 1809 with Centurioli.

Yeah, but she's getting, like, moist. You see her take that wave? Oh, yeah. Put a towel down. Yeah, this is what I mean. Look at the hot ass. Wait a minute. Whoa, she's anemic. Gotta eat ice. That's what anemic people do. But you know the most interesting man in the world? Jewish. Oh, is he? Yeah, not a Mexican.

Could be bald. Finally, we're taking their jobs. Yeah. They are replacing them. Huh? They are replacing them. Yes, yes. This is great. Not bad, right? Oh, I got to get this coffee down. A little lighter than, I guess, the heavy nog, but I think that's a welcome change. Yeah, this is great. Damn. Now, if I walk into a bar, I go, give me a Gold Rush, fatty. You'll probably be able to get it in most bars. I've been ordering paper planes at bars. They can all make them. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

I'm happy with how popular it's been getting recently. Huge. Everyone's really into paper planes, which is nice because it used to be pretty hard to find the Amaro Nonino anywhere. It's expensive. I didn't know how expensive Amaro Nonino is. Yeah, Amaro's pretty expensive. But you only need a little bit every time. You can also sub out other Amari or like...

If you need like Montenegro in a pinch or whatever. It's so good. You can also use that for a Tivano Nino, which is a little cheaper and comes in larger bottles. Okay. So there's a lot of like little substitutes you can get when, like a few people have asked me, like a few of our viewers have asked me like where to get that stuff like up in Canada and everything. Oh yeah. They don't know a good cocktail up there.

It's like the best. Well, liquor stores, it's harder because they're all like imports. Right, right, right. It's such a good drink. I've been making it at home. I ordered it at the bar last night. We were pounding them. It's satisfying. It's just nice, refreshing, but it's still bourbon, so it'll warm you up even a little bit. I think we started a movement. I was at a party once, and it was at a bar, and it was an open bar, and I said, give me a paper plane, and some lady goes, what's that? Then she had one, and I had like 18 guys drinking paper planes. It was great. Yeah, they're big. They're like...

It's entered my top five cocktails. Woo! Well done, Beer Jew. So apparently the only people in New York who watch our show all come to my club in Brooklyn. Ah!

That's fun. The other day, somebody asked if they could have a paper plane from the beer chew. Whoa. Hey. It's a club, though, so I don't have anything to make it with. I made something similar. All right. What do you make if you don't have those ingredients? I made a bourbon Aperol sweetened up a little bit and with some St. Germain or something like that. Stuff that I had on hand. It's just like an Unz Club. We don't have any. Yeah.

Boy, he must be getting laid. Aperol's solid, dude. He must be getting laid over there. It's literally only younger dudes who actually know about us at all. Oh, okay. Is our fan base very dude heavy? Oh, yeah. Well, we're drinking. How do we get more women on board? Yeah. What? Shirts off. Yeah, we'll snip the dick. Put on the Patreon. We got live on there.

Maybe we need more female guests. Well, this will help this story. Speaking of Mari El Nino Stoudemire, are you watching the Shaq doc? I haven't seen it. Is it good? You're so into sports docs. I love a sports doc. It's like backdoor getting you in a basketball. Yeah.

Well, I like the story. I like the personalities more than just the running up and down the court. I want to get behind the player. That's why I like comedy, because you get to learn about the guy. Or UFC, you get to know about the guy. This guy grew up on a farm, and he used to beat up his dad or whatever. I like that part. So the check doc, I didn't know he was a pill head. I didn't know he was shooting himself with Novocaine to get back into the game. I didn't know how bad he was hurting. I mean, he goes all in.

He's the best. He's great. He's a great guy. You just see every video of him. He'll be in a store and he just buys a kid a thing. Yes, an engagement ring. There's a great segment where he tells a kid, you never let a stranger buy something for you unless it's Shaq. Yeah. Oh, the bike. He bought a good bike. I love him, dude. He's a sweet guy. He was a cop.

His dad was a military guy. The general. Something Harrison, right? Yes. Sergeant Harrison. Yeah. Dude, he was such a great player. He's so underrated because his window wasn't as long as some of the other guys. Right. But at his peak, I've never seen a more unstoppable dude. Freight train. Oh, he was awesome. They talk about the Kobe beef, him and Kobe. They were like brothers, and then they got into it. Sad. I know. No.

Never knowing your boy's going to be gone, you know? Yeah. You ever hear Kobe tell a story about Shaq? He was like, how come you don't work on your free throws?

He's like, we would have 14 championships if you could just work on your free throws. He's like, I'm good with making 40%. Yeah. He always would say, I make them when they count. And if you look at the numbers, it wasn't true. It's just like a funny thing. Like, I'm making them when they count. Yeah. He didn't train. He wouldn't go to training. He wouldn't go to practice. It must be hard, though, if you're that big. It must hurt your fucking body. Yeah. He was in pain all the time. Kobe was a psycho. I mean, like in...

But as a player, that's what you want, a guy who just is like a psychotic trainer. Yeah. I heard that story in the USA doc where he's like, everyone comes back from a night out at like 4 a.m. and he's already training. Yeah. He's already got ice packs on his knees from waking up at 3 a.m.

He would just train like a crazy dude. I mean, he was like, I got to be that much better. It's inspiring, man. Crazy. They go into Penny Hardaway. They hit all the big ones. It's great. I got to watch it. I love Shaq. Oh, yeah. HBO? HBO. HBO's got some stuff, man. It's great. Yeah, it's like a five-parter. I just finished Larry Sanders. I've watched it so many times. Yeah. So good. I've watched it top to bottom. It's such a good show. Hey, now. What are your peak moments?

The episode where Hank takes over the show. Oh, my God. And he becomes a monster. I love that he has, like, one good set and he turns into a piece of shit. Yes. I love, dude, there's an episode where Alec Baldwin, he finds out he fucked his ex-wife. And he's a guest on the show. And he has to walk off set. He says to the producer, you know, Rip Torn, he goes, all I can do is picture him fucking my ex-wife. And she's on top. And he goes, lazy bastard. So.

So many good jokes. I know. Jeffrey Tambor's unreal on that show. He is a beast. So funny. What was the weed whacker? What was the thing he was selling? Oh, the garden weasel. The garden weasel. That's the pilot. Is it really? That's the fucking pilot. Wow. The whole scene with the woman where she says, that producer, they're trying to get him to do on-air ads.

And he goes, you know, if you were a woman, I'd take you outside. She goes, if you were a man, fuck, I fucked it up. If you were a man, I would take you outside. She goes, if you were a man, I'd do it. And he trashes her. She trashes him. And then it just cuts to him with a black eye. It's a great cutaway. He's just lying to the...

To the makeup person. He goes, yeah, I fell down the stairs. So cool, not to get all schmaltzy, but Larry Sanders was being shot at the same time Seinfeld was being shot. Both comics came up together. TV shows at the same time, so they would get lunch and hang out after, just...

Hammond and Hahn about showbiz and how hard it is to run a show and all that. How cool is that? That's so cool. Two best buds just show at the same time. So cool. Pretty crazy. And they're both two of the best shows ever made. Larry Sanders is underappreciated. Oh, yeah. It's a great show. Great show. Last season. Fuck.

I know. I got to rewatch it. Oh, dude. HBO's got so... But they're just getting rid of shit on HBO. Do you see this? Are they taking it off? They're just taking... Not that, but shows like Westworld. Oh, they go away. Which I didn't watch, but they just get rid of them, and you're like, they're fans of that show. That's got to suck. I wonder why they do that. Just keep it up. I don't know. It's streaming. Yeah. It's pretty... That must suck, though, if you're on that show, and you're like, how do I watch? And you're like, nowhere. Right. Well, you can watch it on... Uh-oh. Never mind. Never mind.

Cut it. Cut it. Your legal. Easy. Easy.

When did you get nervous about this? Well, he's here. If he wasn't here, I could really spell it out. I'm joking. Mark on every podcast. I got this great hookup. I got it from my good friend. You could go to his apartment. He's located there. Remember the old days? You had to go on the roof and steal cable. It was hard to steal cable. I never had a roof to go on. Yeah, we had to go up there, clean the gutter. Then you do a little finagling.

Those were different times. You get a little Playboy channel action. Oh, yeah. I remember, like, there was a woman. Remember Robin Bird in New York? Channel 35? Her tits were just out. It was a big deal. It was a big deal that you would just see a woman's tits out on TV. What? Like Elvira? No, no. They were actual porn. What? Wait, what? It wasn't porn. It was just a nude woman. She wasn't, like, fucking. No, she was not the way to spell it. You ever seen those... An actual bird came off? Huh. There we go.

Well, double-breasted. All right. Have you ever seen those Japanese porns where it's a lady delivering the news at a desk and two guys just stand on top of the desk and jizz on her? No. Oh, I'll send you a link. Geez, I would watch more MSNBC if they did that. The sea is coming. I'm like, man, Ari Melber's gotten really bad. Yeah, Maddow. Thank God she's wearing glasses. This is not a good example. She used to do interviews nude. What? And you could tune it in on your cable box.

Really? Yeah, and in between there were like ads for escorts and stuff. New York was a city place. Oh, she's pretty. That's kind of hot. Not so fast. All right, maybe not, but I'm into it. This is what it looked like. This is incredible. This is on regular TV. Just flip around past channel 12. I think it was channel 35. Yeah, channel 35. It's on your basic cable package. What the hell? And these people would get nude. I don't get why this was legal.

We didn't ask questions. We just kind of went with it. Isn't that wild? And then she would take these strippers and interview them. Oh, fun. Boy, New York was fun.

New York's kind of getting fun again, though. You think? I think so. I was out late last night, and there were a lot of weirdos out, and I was kind of like, this is where it's at. All right. I get worried when I see bars going away. Like old bars, you know, like Mars Bar went away, and then I think Doc Holliday's might be gone. No, that's still there. That's still there? All right. I went by there the other day. That's a classic. Classic. I went by...

You ever go to Pete's Tavern on Irving Place? Oh, yeah. That's a fucking classic. You feel like that place, just the wood, you're like, this place has been here 100 years or something. One of the best bars in New York, easily. Went there the other night, great night. Some guy sitting across from me, and he goes, we acted in something together. And I was like, definitely not. You don't want to see my acting resume. It's pretty light. He thought you were Totoro. After a few whiskeys, Sam's like, oh, that was at Miller's Crossing. Yeah.

Underrated movie. Great movie. Coen Brothers. You know what else is a great bar? About five blocks away from that one, going east, no, going west, is an Old Town bar. Pull it up. 18th Street? 18th and between Park and Broadway. Broadway and Fifth. Oh, I do know that place. Pull that up. And his ear bar is great on the west side. I've never been to that one. Oh, that's a classic. The ear in, right? Yeah. Maybe it's ear in.

Yeah, that's a beauty. Pull up, you're in. Remember Subway Inn?

Subway Inn. Ooh, that was a dingy one. Is that the one that was actually in the subway? It was right next to the subway. There it is, Ear Bar. What does that say? 1817? Get the fuck out of here. They had burgers there, right? I had a burger there once. Yeah. I went there during the day. See, there's like a little thing to tie off, that it ties ships with right there. Uh-huh. So if you go just a few feet down the road, that is where the water was. Oh, wow. And everything else was built out.

You know, by men. That's wild. I think I went there with Christian McLaughlin from Comedy Central. Remember? He's a good dude. Oh, yeah. He was a good guy. Yeah. Last one. Of course, we've got to talk about McSorley's. McSorley's. Old school. I've been going there once a month now. Really? I think that is the oldest bar in New York City now. Sawdust on the floor. Yeah. Yeah.

You guys ever been to Rudy's? Rudy's is classic. Do I love Rudy's? Hot dogs. Yeah. Yeah, that's when you, you know when you're on like hot dog number three, it's time to go home. Yeah, yeah. Three hot dogs at the bar. And with Sorley's, you just order lighter, dark beer. That's it. Because they have their own like, yeah.

Same thing with Rudy's, though. They have their own beers as well. Oh, really? I mean, back in the day, you could get a pint there for like, it would be like $6 or something. Yeah, you get two of them. Of the Rudy's red ale, it's still like four or five bucks for a pint. And I was at McSorley's two days ago. I look on the wall, there's all newspaper clipping and everything. They're all dingy and yellow. 1970, and it's a woman going...

That's the photo, and it says, women are finally allowed in McSorley's. There's a picture of it right here. 1970. 1970. Oh, is that this? There you go. 1970, yeah.

What a hilarious idea for a bar. I know. No women. I know. It's like a men's club, I guess. Yeah, it's like every bar is trying to do the exact opposite now. Ladies drink for free. They're like, no, you can't. Yeah, ladies night. Literally, I want to get drunk, and you're like, all right, let's get some women. No. Just dudes. I just want to get drunk with dudes. Just lock the door, man. Yes. Boys night out. That was like the old stories about Phyllis Diller at the Friars Club. She had to disguise herself as a man to get in. Wow.

I'm sure there's pictures of it. Well, yeah, wouldn't you want women around? It's so weird. That was like the old, that was like, I think all those dudes were probably married and that was like their escape. I think you're right. Like, it's weird. I had, I met this guy, old school guy from Queens, Irish guy. What do you call that? Four leaf clover tattoo. We sat down at a diner. He did this shit before he ate. And,

And I'm there with May, my lady, and he goes, this guy's really dicking you around. Pardon my language, ma'am. And I was like, whoa, I haven't seen that in years. Damn. It was fun to see. He was talking about you? Yeah. Yeah, and she was like, I don't care. I just drank his jizz 10 minutes ago. But it was cool to see that. I hadn't seen that in years. Yeah, it's kind of like an old school guy thing. Totally old school. Yeah, he was a construction guy.

It's weird when dudes, it's like you can't curse around women. I know people like that. Like, I curse in front of my mom. Yeah, but that might be not why they didn't want them there. Like, oh, we can't curse and shit if they're here? Fuck that. So they're like weirdly kind of, it's like out of respect. Maybe. We want to like, we're married. We want to go out and be animals. Yes. And it's just going to be around dudes. And maybe they play cards or some shit. It was just like your escape. Right. Mm-hmm.

Ah, should have had something. Oh, I got mugged outside of Rudy's. Really? I'm not surprised about that. 2009. What happened? Went to Rudy's. You know you're fucked up. Pull up Rudy's, because there's a big pig outside, right? Don't call her that. Well, I tried to hook up with the pig. That's when you know you gotta go. I was like kissing his cheek and whispering in the ear. I think you look great. But, uh...

Went drunk, stumbling down 8th Avenue or 9th Avenue, whatever it is, and went to an alcove, like a little apartment with some steps going down. I was like, I'm going to take a little nap there. What? Yeah. You might have invited this robbery. I did. I always have. It's always been my fault. And I sat down, and I just kind of put my head against the wall and just took a little nap. And I woke up, and like four guys are going through my pockets. And I was like, ah! And they went, he's waking up! Hit me. I went out again, and I woke up.

Phone was gone. Pen was gone. Wallet was gone. Joke book was gone. Keys were gone. My wallet's gone. Then you look up, they're like, oh, no, they left behind the jokes. I wish. No, that's like less of a mugging and more of just you passed out. Yeah, yeah. And scavengers found you. Yes, I got robbed. Although you did get hit. That sucks. I got hit, yeah. But at least I went out easy. They could have just...

rough me up. But I woke up and you know, this is 2009. So it was like pre iPhone, pre smartphone. So you getting back to your house with zero money and zero credit card, it's damn near impossible. So I had to jump the turnstiles, you know, run away, get on a train, make it home. It's a little easier though. Cause no one's harassed. That's true. But like, I know, dude, it's crazy. Now I, I was flying back from Lexington, Kentucky and,

And I left my phone in the guy's car. My phone is my wallet connected to it. So I'm like, I'm fucked. I have nothing. I don't have an ID, so I can't get on the flight. So I don't have an ID. I don't have a phone to have a ticket.

And I was just kind of at the front desk like, what do I do? And she was like, there's nothing. There's nothing. I was like, you know at the end of a weekend you're just fucking exhausted and you're like, I just want to go home. Yeah. And I was like, I'm stuck in Kentucky. He showed up. He found it in the car. Oh. Which is crazy because I've lost shit all the time and they never. Yeah. But that one I saved the day. Wow. I had a similar thing. Left my phone in an Uber on the way to the airport. Get out. I'm at the airport. And you go, all right.

"Ahh, my phone!" And the lady goes, "Oh my god!" The lady at United was like, "Call it!" And I'm like... With what? Wow! Yeah! And then she's like, "Well, give me your phone number, I'll call it." I'm like, "It's in the back of an Uber." So she calls it 18 times, nobody answers. So you're like, "What do you do?" So I just got on the flight. And I went to my gig in Phoenix. How were you able to get on the flight? I had my ID.

But I didn't have the phone. So you can print out a ticket. So you bought a new phone in Phoenix? No, I just figured it out. You went a weekend without a phone? I went a weekend without a phone. It was fucking hell. It was so hard. Yeah, why would you not just go to an Apple store in Phoenix?

I knew I'd get it back. You got it back? I got it back when I came back to New York. Damn. I think I would have bought a new phone. I think I would have buckled. It was tough. I was like a crackhead. I was with the draws. Like modern day Survivor Man. Yeah. I was using the business center at the Hilton. Like, oh, there's my email. Oh, let me go on Facebook. Oh, Facebook. You forget how easy it is. Just pull shit up, text people. I got the opener showing up at the club. He's like, I've been texting you. I'm like, yeah, no phone.

damn it's a little refreshing every now and then not when it's forced on you but not for a whole weekend i slept great yeah right yeah that is dude i've been using uh blue light glasses so if i watch a show or something before bed i you know those what i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah they sell them on amazon stuff you just put them on and it's like if you watch a show it's i guess it it's easier on your eyes yeah so it's easy you know you just watch a screen look at the screen all day

You don't wind down. No. It's bad for your sleep. I mean, I think about every study is like, what's healthy? Gut health and sleep. And we are literally both road comic drinkers. We're not healthy people. No. We just had a pint of eggnog. Now we're on...

What is it, a gold rush? Sleep is hard, dude. It's hard to get good sleep. I know, and it's so weird because you're tired, but you just can't do it. I'm laying there waiting for it to click in. Come on! Well, it's hard to shut off what we do. We got off stage. You're a performer. You're fucking amped up. Yeah. I think more or less about us. How about being a Broadway performer or something? That must be tough as hell because you really can't. I've gone on stage sick. They can't really do that.

No. You've got to be at top health. And we can go, hey, I'm sick, and make a joke out of it, you know, but they have to just plow through. That is hell. They also rehearse like several times each day, so I'm sure they're just exhausted by the time they get to bed. Yeah. But they don't have hecklers.

I got drunks yelling out shit all day long. But it's kind of fun sometimes. Sometimes. But how about the heckler when you haven't even gotten to the mic yet? I'm walking out and some guy's like, hey, douche. I'm like, Jesus, man. Like, this sets a horrible precedent for the whole show. Like, let me get here. Hey, douche. Sugar gay. Sugar gay is fucking insane. The whole thing is amazing. It's like an unwitty heckle followed by a dude being like, I'll fucking, I'll rape you. Yeah.

Anyway, this is it. That's great. Dude, I got to pee for you. Having the farts. Mmm. Look, man, something about Chinese food in the winter. We've talked about it. Sichuan Chinese, I think I mentioned it last week. Oh, man, there's a place by me sometimes I'll order that fish and chili sauce.

Not good on the stomach. Yeah. The next day I'm paying for it. I'm trying not to fart. Sometimes at gigs where the crowd is small, you know, you're doing a workout show and you're like, this is a small enough show that if I fart, they're going to know it's me. Yes. That's a tough position to be in. You really got to be like, let me work on it. Do a little Kegel here and make sure I tighten up. Yeah. I don't think Kegel's is for your butt though. Yeah, I don't think so either. We should make a Beagle. What the hell? Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about.

But I'm with you. And you know when you hold in farts for a while, you can feel your stomach like, it's like, come on, man, this has got to come out. And you're like, I know, but I'm in a social situation.

You know what gives me the farts? The fucking Delta Lounge. I scarf down everything in there because I'm just trying to get all the free shit I can get. Me too. I go to town on those. Town. That chicken, the way they're just dumping it in. I'm like, this can't be healthy chicken. No, no. I eat soups, you know. I eat so much of the soup. The tomato basil. Yes. A little chowder. I'm drinking it. Where are you at with farting in your seat on the plane? Well, that's what I'm saying. I really try not to out of respect to the... Although I was next to Vito, so I let it rip. But normally I try to really...

I fart on that baby. Maybe that's why he's crying. Grab his head. Hold on. That might kill a kid. They're so fragile that the gas might hurt him. You go to prison. You farted a baby. You farted him to death, dude.

I'm in cuffs. What are you in for? Murder one. Shit. How'd you do it? It was almost a two. Murder number two. Oh, my God. Wow, yeah, yeah. But that United Lounge, I'm like, what are you doing to me? I'm going to get on a six-hour flight here, and it's just...

Oh, dude, I can't. I have no willpower. No. The road is so unhealthy, you stress eat. I did this club in Tacoma, and it's like doused in candy. Yeah. Every drawer's got candy. I'm like, we did three shows Saturday. I'm like, you think I have the willpower being here 10 hours? Right. You think I'm not just going to fucking start chugging Skittles? Exactly. I hate myself. You're going to lose a foot.

in that green room because comics were indulgent people and it's literally like a chest of drawers and it's like Snickers Reese's Skittles M&M's what do you do I know it's cute and fun but we're not eight oh dude it's disgusting you say indulgent I'm like I'm literally eating I'm chugging peanut M&M's in one hand and downing bourbon in the other and I'm like wow this is the picture of indulgence yes exactly it's disgusting your childhood and adulthood are meeting in one hand

But yeah, it's bad. I'm the same way. And you gotta have some willpower, but it ain't easy because you're there for hours. M&M's are so good. Yeah, they really are. They're so peanut M&M's, dude. It's like, talk about a fucking home run. Whoever came up with that, I'd like to shake his hand and suck his dick real quick. Alright. You fucking nailed it, dude. Melts in your mouth. Do you know why M&M's were invented? No. Oh, yes. You tell us.

Soldiers? You got it! Really? Tell the story. The candy shell, the hard shell, would keep them fresh because they would need to carry them. They would put chocolate bars in their pockets and they would just melt. They would melt. So they said, how do we get them to carry chocolate without it melting? How could war get any worse? Right. I know. You're already in the fucking trenches. Now your fucking Hershey's can't even hold together. It's terrible. You're right. You're like, hold on, German. Oh.

I'm making all that up for rapper. Chew my shirt for a while. Yeah. God, you see those war videos, like the Ken Burns shit where they've got a bonfire going. They're putting their feet in it because it's snow and they're so cold. They've got these dumb little raggedy leather shoes on. Ah, brutal. Dude, did you see the Peter Jackson one where he colorized? Yes. Oh, my God. What was it called? Remember their names? Remember their young? Yeah.

Yeah, I know. That was so good. It was beautiful. I saw it in the theater because Chris DiStefano. Yeah, very briefly. DiStefano bought tickets, and it was back when he did the History Pod with Gianna. So they went, and then he got two extra tickets, and he brought me and Ryan Hamilton. We all saw it. That was beautiful. It was like, oh, my God. It was like. Unreal. I've never seen such a vivid picture of war. It was brutal. But, man, Peter Jackson's pretty damn talented. Oh, yeah. He's an indecisive.

So good. These are 18, 19-year-old kids. I know, dude. Isn't that fucking crazy? And most of them wanted to sign up. They were just bored. Wow, the British team thing. And then you think about what's going on in Russia right now. They're like literally dodging. I mean, I don't blame them. Half of them are like, we don't know why we're in war. I know. And then they're just dodging. Like, if you don't get the draft notice, you don't have to report. So it's just people hiding. Right. And by the way, is that who you want in the war? Nah, yeah. I mean, that's like, you know.

True. You think our fucking problems. I know, I know. I always say that. I'm literally like, there's construction out. These dudes are going to war. Yeah. Have you seen this video?

Oh, man. What is this? This is a small shit. What is that? This guy's getting a blowjob from another soldier. Oh, dude on dude? Yeah. Nice. And then they drop a fucking bomb on them and kill them. Why are we watching? What are you doing to us? How did they find that? It's Ukraine. Those are Russians. It's okay, right? Oh, sorry. Sorry, bringer. Am I? Oh, I thought you were. I'm like Polish. Oh, okay. I guess there's some Russian in there. There it goes. Oh, that's homophobic. Oh.

Damn. Wow, good aim. Yeah, I just hit the drone with a bomb and it's just like, let go. Two explosions. I stink. You didn't give us much to work off there. Dude's exploding while getting sucked off.

It's literally like sometimes your crowd will yell shit out and you're like, what do you want me to do with that? You ever have that at the show? Oh, yeah. I'm not a fucking magician, dude. A guy will say something horrible and you're like, all right. Yeah, yeah. I know. I had one this weekend. He goes, what do you prefer in New York, the pizza or the pussy? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. That's the question? Although in both cases, they're usually pretty good. True. Consistent. Yeah.

Yeah. But if you have a really bad one, you're like, how did you fuck this up? Right. It's so simple. How did you fuck this up?

That's how much corn you'll find them on. I just said blot it with a napkin, either one. And you hope there's not a hair in it. Stay away from Sicilian. Dude, you know what I saw the other day in New York? They have those little CBD, like weed, Delta 8 stores. 20% off student discount. And I was just like, we've come a long way with weed. Oh, you got that right. Can you imagine being in a car with a dealer in like 125th Street in the 90s? Like, I went to Yale, so it's going to be $80.

instead of $100. Yeah, we have come a long way with the weed. It's healthy now. It's like borderline healthy. People recommend it. My doctor says use it to sleep.

It's crazy. I was grounded for it. Yes, exactly. My parents would find it. They would. And my mom didn't try hard. She would just take it and put it in the closet. And I'm like, I'm going to get it back. Yeah. I mean, flushing it away is almost more incriminating, I guess. This guy's still serving time for selling weed. I don't get it. You got to let him out. That's pretty fucked up. Yeah. We got Griner out, though. Yeah. She had weed. Although it's still very illegal over there.

Well, that was Hash, right? Yeah. That was a great trade-off, the Merchant of Death. She's going to play this year. Fantastic. He's also going to play. Yeah, the Merchant of Death, he's in game shape. That was worth it. What about this? A black lesbian dating app, Brittany Grinder. All right. Did you believe she was going to play? I mean, that's a good saying. Yeah, I mean, good for her.

I mean, being in, remember when Plax ago burst? If you, remember when Plax was in prison for like, I mean, it's like, you're not the same. Yeah, he shot himself. Literally shot himself in the leg. He was pulling out a gun or putting away a gun in his sweatpants and it went off and shot himself in the leg. He was, he was a fucking New York hero too. He was awesome. He was a great player.

badass. Wait, why'd he go to jail for shooting himself? Because you can't carry. Oh, can't carry in New York. And also, he could have killed someone else. Yeah. I think he was in a club in sweatpants or something. Yeah. That's why he couldn't get it. Oh, damn. He could go to jail just for that. Yeah.

Yeah, sweatpants. Great way to show the package. You put on a sweatpant, no undies. Get the lady going. Oh, yeah. And I'm not even well endowed, but with the sweatpant, you get some help. You do get help. It's like a padded bra.

Yeah, it's nice, right? It's nice. They should make like a special one. Like Lululemon will come out with it. The cock compression pants. If I was single, I would wear that on dates. Just like, hey, ladies. Yeah, just get them excited. I think it doesn't look like you're trying on a date, though. That's even better. He's got a big hog and he doesn't care.

Doesn't care. It does go a long way. I wore pajama pants on a date once. The girl told me on the date, she's like, that's pretty hot. Really? Yeah, I was in college, but yeah. I don't think I could, I literally couldn't find my pants. But I was like, shit, I gotta go on a date. We should do a robe app. Ooh. I got a badass smoker's robe. We did one on Zoom, but yeah, we should do it live. We should do a lot. Batman and Robin. Good idea. You got any peeves? Oh, yeah.

Go ahead. Okay. This is, again, relationship shit. Love it. My lady, and tell me if you guys have this. You're married. You're married. I'm alone. You're gay. You're married. All right. She will talk to me from the other room on normal volume. Terrible. And I'm expected. I'm like, huh? I'm in the other room. And she's like, so what did we say we were going to get at the store? I'm like...

I can't hear you. And she's like, well, come in here. I'm like, you come in here. You're the one who wants to talk. So now we're fighting. Mark's beating off and noise canceling headphones. I can't, I can't get what you're saying. I'm like, don't text me. You'll ruin the screen. But yeah. Yeah. So that's a big one. She's I'm like, you want to get my attention. You got to come in here or yell.

I can't just hear you magically. Just come in. Just come in here. It's wide open. The yell is annoying, too. Yeah, the yell is actually worse, too. Loud volume. Maybe it's because I'm hungover a lot. No, I'm with you. But loud volume. I was in the store the other day, and a guy, it was this morning, actually, the other day. I'm in the store, and this guy comes in, and I have my headphones in, and he's still too loud. He's talking to the cashier. He's like, so what do you think about? And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, what is that? What is that?

Do you have the iPhone thing or the earbuds that close it up, the sound? Yeah, I like that. That is huge. Game changer. Game changer. AirPods? AirPods. Those are fucking, it's so overpriced, but God damn it. Oh, they're worth it. I lost mine. I re-bought them in a second just because I need them. Because you put it in the regular, you know, that cord ones, you hear everything. It sucks. You hear so little that sometimes you risk getting hit by a car. I'll take it. I'll take it.

But don't you feel like sometimes you're walking through... I mean, I look both ways, but a horn can honk and you might miss it. Yeah, that's true. It's crazy. Yeah. And some people are kind of annoying because they walk around with them in all day and talk to you with them in. And I'm like, can you hear me? I don't know what's going on here. Even more annoying is the one who takes the one out. Ah, the one. Like he's giving you like...

Impress me. Impress me, you might get the second, but right now, he didn't make it. He's going back in. You got a window here. I hate that guy. That's true. Is that a bit? That's not a bit. Could that be a bit? That could definitely be a bit. The one out, and then the two? The one out, dazzle me. Yes. Okay, Matt, you're going to have to do some research here, but that was my peeve when we were at the old...

Get out of here. The ear butt out? Guy talking with one ear. And I said the same thing. Whoa. Really? Can I just rip off his allergies? Maybe. Apparently. Wow, I'm going to feel bad.

That happens with deli guys all the time, too, because especially late at night, they're just talking to somebody on the phone. Yeah. They're like, how much is this? And they're just like, and you're like, is that $17? Yeah. And then he just says something else in English, and I'm like, oh, what? Sorry. He goes, oh, no. I'm like, how am I supposed to know which one is for me, which one is for you? I know. Cabbies are like that, too. They're having a full conversation with their uncle in the motherland, and then you're like, hey, is this the turn? Here's the turn. They go, da-ba-da.

And you're like, you're talking to me or the uncle? Are we facing back? What are we doing here? So that's a tough one. I do have other peeves. I'm looking. Oh, here's a fucking peeve. You ever see like this is my fault for being on TikTok at all. TikTok's the worst. But you

You see these videos like, would you rather stop racism or be LeBron for one day? And then it's just like a highlight package of LeBron. And I'm like, well, we know which way you're leaning. There's not a highlight package of you like standing down a racist. You've seen LeBron through that dunk. I'm like, you know what you want. Yeah. I hate that. I hate the one where they're like, this was like started on AOL back in the day. The people who were like,

forward this to 40 people or you're cursed for a year. I'm like, fuck you, you sorcerer. Fuck. And then these people, and they're like, you know, they do that on Instagram now. It would be someone like, like send this to people or your dick doesn't work for a year or something like that. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I hate that shit. You see these people, fuck these people. They're preying on OCD people too. I know. My friend is like, if I don't eat the sandwich, my sister's going to die in a plane crash or whatever the fuck it is. And that's going to fuck them up.

Now they're like, if I don't send this, I'll get STD or whatever. Yeah, some guy's trying to fuck a woman. His dick doesn't work. He's like, fuck, I should have forwarded that. Exactly. Should have forwarded that video.

Fucked up. Yeah, remember that was called, what was it, a chain letter? Was that what it was called? Oh, yeah, yeah. Those used to be very annoying. I think they're actual letters. You would send a letter to somebody and say. And it said, if you didn't write back and send it to someone else, you'll have bad luck. Yes. And it would fuck your head up. Imagine doing that with snail mail. That's what it used to be. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was called a chain letter. Oh, shit. You're right. Dude, I hated. Dude, snail mail in general is a piece.

Still getting mail. I'm like, what is this, 1992? I know. I'm going through fucking envelopes. I'm ripping. I'm like, what is this? It's so silly. I do like getting a check, though. I love getting a check. A check is nice. It's the only good. It feels good. But you gotta sift through. Don't you hate getting a bill? Hate bills. Hate bill. Flipped it. I'll tell you, I got an E-ZPass bill because I ran a couple toll bridges. Thought I would get away with it. But I got the bill, and it has the QR code. So I go, oh, all right. Now I can just boop, boop.

I'm paid. So that's nice. So thank you, Easy Pass. Online, if it's an online thing, but I'm like, just give me all my bills in email. Yeah. I just want an email. But sometimes you get the online. You got to sign in. You got to make an account. You got to start a password. I'm like, I'm already out. Oh, dude, I'm so lazy. I'm annoyed when I get like a DocuSign thing from my agent or something or my lawyer. They just send me like a, you got to sign. I'm like, I'm sorry.

I don't want to do it. Yeah. Same. I'm literally, and then I try to give my excuses. I'm like, please, I'm drunk at a sushi restaurant. Please don't make me. It's not going to hold up in court. Don't make me. Well, it's amazing how lazy we get. Like, sometimes I'm texting, and I'm like, I can't go to the numbers part. That's too much work to flip from the letters to the numbers. I'm out. I'm getting fucking lazy. Yes.

I mean, that's why you read young people's tweets and they're just like, no capital, no punctuation, no period, because they're just, that's how they tweet now. Yeah. And I'm starting to relate. Yeah, see you later with the C and the U. And I'm like, yeah, I'm starting to, I mean, like, look, I hate, it's weird, that's a peeve also, though. When I get, like, really bad tweets,

I am a little annoyed. Yeah. I'm like, phone it in with someone else. Give me your fucking periods here. Yeah, we're writers. Yeah. You give me a there there with the IE. Ooh, they fucked that up. Oh, yeah. There's some judgment going around. When you don't know you're theirs or you're yours. I think less of you. I think less of you for sure. One of my friends, I'm not going to say who, we all know him. He wrote a...

Where's our car? But he wrote, where's our car? A-R-E. And I was like, where's our car? Ooh, boy. You're an idiot. Maybe dyslexic. Ah, yeah.

If you're dyslexic, I give you a pass. That is an actual thing. It wasn't Hanley. It wasn't Hanley? No, it was a different guy. Just a dumb guy. It was a guy you were always like, is this guy dumb? And then he sent that. I was like, there it is. He's dumb. It's fun to get the confirmation. When you're on the fence about if someone's dumb, and then you find out, you're like, yeah, he's dumb. If I get it, will you tell me? Sure. Bobby Kelly? Nope. Who? Who's the first guy? Bobby Kelly.

Well, that makes you look bad to him. Your first guess was, that's not nice. This is a mean game. This reveals a lot about you, Salamanca. Well, you know, women look at that shit too. What? I've heard, you know, my lady has all her little hens over and they start cackling.

And she's like, they're like, this guy tweeted or DM me or messaged me. And he had all these misspellings. It was such a turn off. I didn't call him again or something like that. You don't suck my dick with no exclamation point. I mean, what a perv. He's so DIK. Yeah. That's a good. At least they're offended over that. Maybe they factor it in. That's nice. I guess so. I mean, they're thinking about having a kid with this guy. They're like, I got to have a kid with a down. That's a good point. Exactly.

I saw a good response to an unwarranted dick pic being sent to you. Yeah. You write back, you say, the group chat rated this two out of ten.

I've gotten that response before. That's a funny fucking response. Yeah. That's good. Wait, she wrote that? She writes that back. Oh, that's funny. That's funny. That's great. Oh, yeah. The ladies talk. Here's a theory. Men talk about who they fucked and women talk about how the sex was. I don't feel like if you get laid, I'm not like...

What moves did you do? How did she... Did she do that? We just go, did you fuck her? How was it? Awesome. All right. Women go, how was the fucking? That's interesting. I feel like we get the rep as being... As guys, we get the rep as being the talking about sex, but we're so in and out with it. It's vague. It's really like, got laid last night. Cool. Yeah. Seal the deal. Nice. That's literally it. Maybe they'll ask for a pic. Yeah. But then all you get is a nice, and it's over. Yes. But they'll go...

All in, like a full Faulkner. Yeah. It's quite literally in and out. Faulkner. I was like, there's a pun on the table and Mark hasn't taken it? What the hell? I was waiting for it. So you got another one? Oh, I had... Here's a wreck. Okay. Nostalgia.

Yeah. Wow, it's very popular. Very popular, but like, dude, you ever just go on YouTube and look up shit you watched as a kid? Oh, yeah. I was like, holy shit, I forgot about Guts on Nickelodeon. Oh, Guts! Legend of the Hidden Temple. Yes. Remember that shit? That was big. I started watching. Guts! I started watching. I was like, this is a good show. Well, we were the first generation, I think, where kids really got some entertainment. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Because before it was like, all right, you got Sesame Street, then you got to grow up.

Sesame Street's fucking great, though. It's great, but that's for like a three-year-old. We had shit for like a 12-year-old. Look at this. Dude, this looked like so much fun, though. And if you got on this show, I mean, you were the king of middle school. Yeah, but you better fucking listen. You ever see the big talking temple thing? Yes. You'd be like, in 1942, and then the nerds had to really pay attention. Right, right. You couldn't move down those steps. Yeah.

That's how when the guys grab the kids when they're going through the temple uh-huh they would lose I don't remember that you think anyone ever got abducted by that guy Grabbing

He just grabs you and never comes back. They're like, where's our son? Did that guy sign a form? Please tell me he signed a form. What is it? Legends of the Hidden Temple last round where they were going through the thing. Do you think there's more abductions now or there's more abductions in the 50s? Because in the 50s, you could do it easier.

But it felt more frowned upon, whereas now it's harder to do it with the cameras and everything. But it's probably easier to track kids online and stuff like that. True. That's why you have to teach your kid online safety and shit. Don't just put your location wherever you are all the time. I hear about it all day long. Abduction, abduction, watch out. But I feel like I never heard about it as a kid.

But it was easier then. Veeder's got a great bit about, have you heard his bit about the face on the milk bottle? The kid in the milk bottle, he's like, you know the kid's dead. He's like, that kid's expired like this milk. Oh, that's great. That was all they did. They were like, he's on a milk bottle. Yeah, that was it. That's all he had for you. Yeah, they're running through this temple. He's looking for the buzzer.

Some dude in like a fucking, uh... In some furry outfit just comes out of nowhere and just like captures you. You don't remember this shit? No, no. Oh, he's got to build some kind of a statue here. None of you remember that shit? Am I making this up? No, you're probably right. This drink fucking rules. Yeah, Gold Rush. Yeah, check it out. Okay. Kid's going down a... Some kind of a chute, an elevator. 50 seconds.

Yeah, what is this, the 90s? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, different time. This sucks. Oh, boy. That could have been a fire pole. They didn't need to do that weird elevator. I think they had those sometimes. Okay, up the mind, chef. This was quality entertainment. It would be hilarious if they just do this. I mean, I was on my feet like, come on, Billy! You got this! This reminds me of Saturday or Sunday mornings with a giant bowl of cereal. Yes! Cheerios.

Reese's Peanut Butter. Oh, those were good. Those were so decadent. Very decadent. That's a hard way to start the day even as a kid. You know what started all this off was Double Dare. Yeah. Double Dare was fucking good. Was that Mark Summers or something? Yes, yes. That guy was great. I think he was a comedian. Was that where you got slimed? Yeah. Holy shit. Nostalgia's fun, dude. Oh, yeah. There it is. Double Dare.

That was a big one. Look how 90s it is with the graphics. This guy fucked for sure. Oh, yeah. He showed up to the bar in that pink blazer, and you know the ladies flocked. You were so nice to my son. Are you a single mother? You want to get slimed? Oh.

Man, this is a good ep. We got some zingers this ep, baby. I'll tell you, I watched the Sheryl Crow doc on the flight home from San Francisco. I cried like a baby. Why? Well, she went through hell to get there. She's like a young Canadian lady. She got screwed over in the business, the harassment. She got breast cancer. It's crazy. Yeah, Lance Armstrong. Dated Lance Armstrong during the scandal they were together. She's like, God, I finally find a guy I meet and then this shit goes down. And they broke up.

Yeah, they broke up. Damn. Lance Armstrong. That guy's... I kind of want him on the pod. Oh, he's awesome. He's kind of a badass, dude. Big alpha. I know he cheated, but he's still a fucking... He's still a badass. In the words of Bill Burr, our roided up guy be your roided up guy. Yeah. It's still a win. His doc on ESPN was incredible. Killer. That was a great 30 for 30. Yes. Where he's just like...

You get him, man. I mean, it's like he was a psycho. Yeah. I mean, I know he cheated, but he was the best. He was the best. And when did you give a fuck about cycling before him? Oh, it's like Michael Phelps. Yes. Did you care about swimming? Nope. Nope. Same with Liam Thomas. Michael Phelps, he made us care. I didn't care about women swimming before that. Yeah. But yeah, it's true. You're right. He put it on the map and he had the arm, remember the bracelet? Yeah. Livestrong. That was huge. Yeah, he also had the cock ring. Livestrong. Put it on your cock. Yeah.

Well, he also had ball cancer. Yeah. So the first time I heard the joke, he must have jizzed on her tits. I think I moved away. I had to go to the mountains and think about how great I loved that joke. Yeah. Because she got the breath. I mean, it's too good. He fucking rolled. That's so scary. Do you see that cycling at like a fast pace? How scary that shit is? They're dropping like flies. They're going so fucking fast. Sharp turns. I'm like, that's...

It's muddy. It might be scarier than, it's not scarier than like Formula One, I guess. No, no. But it's like, it's right there. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. The road is like this thin and they're all like elbowing each other and then they fall and eight other guys fall. It's crazy. We need a good cycling comedy. Yes. Get Will Ferrell. Just do Talladega Nights, but cycling. Do it with women. Menstrual cycle. Oh, my God. It'll be like a bridesmaids. What a surprise we don't have more female viewers right now.

Yeah, we're really fucking, we're really bombing here. This is really a fucking boy. Why don't we have more female viewers? A room of six dudes. Why don't more women like us making puns about their pussies? What the hell? 1968. Mick Sorley's over here. Yeah. A woman comes in, we're like, get out. This is a boys club.

He's waiting two more years. Fortune Feibster, Natasha, Dina. Oh, yeah. Rosebud. We've had some good. Rachel Feinstein was the first guy. We've got to get Rachel back. Killer. She fucking rules. Killer app. Dude, yeah, the Natasha app just came out. That was a great app. That was a fantastic app. Yeah. Loved it. Loved the messages. A lot of good. Oh, great laugh. Yeah, she's like an old timey soul. Yeah, for sure. I like old souls, man. Good egg. Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of good messages about that. Love the app. Love the app. Yeah, men and women. She also has, like, really cool style. She came in that crazy green dress. Always. Just awesome. Always fun outfits. Style's fun. Yeah, it's cool because not everyone gives a shit. It's cool to give a shit. Yeah. Especially if you have your own thing where you, like,

take the time to like always do that because I wear the same three things and they're all black. It's tough for a guy because a guy can be like, wow, that's fun or like, what the hell? Come on. I mean, look, growing up, I felt like, I was like, man, suit comic, that's cool. But I'm like, I don't care enough to be. But then I see a guy go up in a suit like you see like a Tom Popper or someone. Yeah. Man, he looks real good. I know.

What do you think about that? Well, I think it's got to be you. It's just not you. It's not me. Yeah. So, like, remember Louie tried to do a suit for 10 minutes and it just didn't work? Right. Well, but then he kind of aged into the suit. I guess. He did that later special in the suit and I thought he looked good. Yeah, but he's already back to black shirt. Yeah, well, yeah. Maybe it was him at that moment, right? Maybe, maybe. Because, like, I remember we were talking about that half hour special he's in a suit and, yeah, it didn't look right.

No, no. But then when he got older, I thought it looked kind of... When you're older, you kind of age into a suit, I think, as a guy. Yeah, I think so. It is weird for a young dude to be in a suit. Yes. It looks like you're trying a little hard, I think. Well, Mulaney pulls it off. I was about to say Mulaney. He's got an old soul. He's rare. And also, he's playing in Radio City. That's true. There's a lot of factors here with Mulaney, where it's like massive venue...

Fits the style. But then I've talked to people who say, like, you know, I'd love to see him in, like, a fucking just a regular jacket or something. That'd be nice. Because maybe we're going to look dumb as shit in, like, 20 years in these bomber jackets. I know. The way comics wear, like, leather jackets. They're like, what's with these bombers? Oh, Seinfeld already. He made fun of me. He's like, you guys are all wearing this jacket. Don't you realize you're all wearing this? And I'm like, well, you're wearing a fucking sport coat. Yeah, with Nike Shucks. Yeah, exactly. So, like, what's the difference? It's just a different updated jacket. Yeah, we all look dumb. Yeah.

Exactly. Just get a fucking jacket that fits and you're fine. Who gives a shit? And comics have this huge fear of standing. We want to blend in because, you know, every comic book. Standing out is good. It is good, but we have that fear of every comic going, what the fuck is this guy wearing? You know, you walk into the room and you're like, ah. Yeah, but if you back it up, who gives a shit what you're wearing? It's true. You got to get over that hump. He looks fucking ridiculous and delirious, but he's got a great act. So who gives a shit? And he's cool as shit. Same with Chris Rock. He wore that crazy leather shit and it worked. Yeah.

Yeah. Because he owned it. It looks weird now. It does. It's a baggy leather jacket. Then he wore a red suit, that maroon jacket.

Oh, yeah. Dude, that looked pretty cool. That wasn't bad. Never scared, rock. I thought he looked kind of badass. It's good because it places you in that era when you look back at pictures. For sure. You're like, this is this one. This is that, you know, special. Yeah. And it's a great fucking special. I'm just saying, like... Like the Jim Carrey shoulder pad suit. You know, the mustard yellow one? Yeah. You know which one I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. That was ridiculous. Yeah, the Clint Eastwood faces. But if we're going to talk about comics dressing wildly on stage, Cat Williams.

But he's a wild guy. So I think if he wore a pilgrim outfit, yeah, exactly. He would not look good in a suit. I want Cat Williams on this podcast. Can we make that happen? That would be great. Can we will that into the world? Cat Williams? That would be amazing. Can we tag him, folks? We might be drunk. I think he'd be a great guest. I think he's funny as shit. He's hilarious. Would he? You think he would come on? I think he would come on. You just got to get it out to him. I don't know how long he can just sit for.

He's a wild maniac. That's true. That's hilarious. He's rambunctious. We need to put a GoPro on him. He'll just be running down the street. Yeah, I can see him getting real amped up and walking and talking and pacing down the hallway. No, because he has so much energy on stage. That's what I'm saying. He's sprinting across the stage constantly.

The ask this week was that Matt Peters, our producer with A Great Call, saw Simon Rex, a podcast favorite, was in town. So I did message him and ask him to come on. And he agreed, forgetting he just had back surgery. So he's recovering right now. And I was like, dude, you're on drugs and you have spinal surgery. And he goes, you're right. That's how much he wanted to come in. Wow.

Shout out to Rex. We love Simon Rex. Speedy Recovery Simon Rex. See his movie Red Rocket. He's on Pete Davidson's new show coming out. Oh, nice. A lot of guys on that. Yeah, and we love Simon. Good eggs. That's all we're saying here. We love you, Simon. If you haven't heard the other ep with Simon, it's one of our best eps. Oh, great ep. Killer ep. Feel better. Feel better, Simon. Got that back blown out. Is he going to get nominated for that many things this year?

Well, that I think already passed, right? Yeah, it's over. I thought it was 2022. Oh, yeah. Maybe you could get nominated, right? Oh, I don't know. No, that was last year. That came out last year. Oh. I saw The Whale over the weekend. What do you think? Excellent. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like an exercise in torture.

It is a little bit. No exercise. I heard it was mid. I heard that's how he walks. He waddles. Yeah, I heard it was just like so-so. It's like a real sad off. Yeah, it is. They show his body, right? Is it as good? Wow. Was it hard sitting there with an erection? Is it better than the wrestler? No.

Aronofsky's a great director. Yeah, he's amazing. Movies fucking, dude. Seen him in the theater? Get to the fucking theater, bro. Yeah, I saw it in Angelica. Oh, nice. Angelica. Good for you. Classic. I love that you hear the subway every 20 minutes. Yeah, right. You think it's part of the movie. Yeah, you think it's an IMAX. You're like, oh yeah, it's an indie film. It's probably not. How about this realization?

Angelica is on Houston. Angelica Houston. Come on. That's something. Blew my mind. All right. I thought of that while high once. Yeah.

Angelica Huston. She was fucking... She was sexy. I got a rec for you. Angelica Huston movie? The Grifters. I don't know it. Stephen Frears directed it. It's young John Cusack, young Annette Bening with Full Frontal. Really? Cans. Cans. It's a good movie. Yeah, really dark movie. I've never heard of it. Scorsese produced it. I didn't know that. Frears. I don't know Frears. Oh, he did High Fidelity, man. Oh, okay. It begins...

Oh, wow. She was... The lady with the loot. It leads to betrayal. You're working some angle. Don't tell me you're not because I wrote the book. Do you sell anyway? Self-confidence. You're not scheming this big movie. Oh, well, you know, flip the buck here and the buck there. Really good movie. I'm in. Who wrote the book? It's a famous book. Was it John Thompson or something? No, not Tom Wolfe. It's in the noir. Was it John Thompson maybe who wrote it?

Not John Thompson. Jim Thompson, I mean. My dumbest shit. Who wrote it? I've never heard of it. Yeah, you got it, Jim Thompson. Yeah. All right. No, it's like a cool... It's a really cool movie and dark as shit. Yeah. Really well made. Loved her in Witches. What's that? Remember Witches? Oh, man. It was like a kid's movie, but it was super dark. Oh, is that... It's an old book. Is that based on the... What's the name?

Matilda author? Yes, I think so. There she is. Great movie. She steals it. She rules. She's the head witch. But, uh... Dated Nicholson for all those years. I know, I know. Couldn't have been easy. No, no. Imagine that. Those nights out. The blow and the booze and the just driving up and down the Hollywood Hills in some convertible. Woo! Yeah, no, she's a Hollywood royalty, man. Oh, yeah. John Huston. She was great in, uh...

Life Aquatic. She's the wife. Yeah, Royal Tenenbaums. Yeah, Zizo shoots blanks. Dude, her fucking dad directed... Did he not direct The Maltese Falcon? Wait, he did The Searchers. No, he didn't. No, that was... That's a different Houston.

Sam Houston? What did he direct? John Houston. Sam Houston's the airport. That's the city's name. No, he did African Queen. Maybe he did some Bogart movies. Oh, Maltese Falcon. He did direct it. That was like his big break. Treasure of Sierra Madre. It says The Misfits, but I don't believe that. What do you mean you don't believe it? I thought that was...

What's his name? Skeptical Salamon. Leave all wiki. Howard Hawke. Oh, nope. Wait a minute. Dude, no. Maltese Falcon was a movie that they didn't think he had what it took, and it was a hit. That was like the big. He was fucking around, too. He was in the tabloids dicking around on her mom, too. Oh, really? Yeah. Wait, what about, who's the searchers? John Ford.

Oh, boy, that was way off. Sorry, everybody. That's a great fucking movie. Oh, yeah. Spielberg's favorite. Is his favorite movie? Oh, yeah. Dude, Spielberg on NPR, great interview. Have you seen The Fablemans yet? I didn't love it. Really? I thought it was a little slow.

Yeah, it looks great. It's well done. The acting's great, but it's... I gotta see it. It never grabs you. You don't care about anybody. You see a lot of movies. What else do you see? Well, I saw The Shack. I saw the Sheryl Crow. So I was on a documentary kick. The lady saw Whale and thought it was solid.

I'm not dying to see it. I want to see that movie Tar with Cate Blanchett. That's supposed to be good. Nah, we're talking. I'd like to see that. She's hot. Super hot. And great. Also, Babylon looks fun. Didn't it get, like, trashed? Oh, did it? It's Damien Chazelle. That guy's fucking great. The trailer looks amazing, yeah. Yeah, man.

Y'all check it out. All right, all right, yeah. The movie's fucking right. Hey, man, it's a long app. Sometimes we fucking... Sometimes we just talk. People throw this on the background, though. Who gives a shit, right? Do you think movies will be okay? You think they'll keep making them? You know what bums me out about movies? That they're like a lot hinges on the success of Avatar. And I'm like, well, I don't fucking like those movies. I don't like these... It is hilarious that every article is like, this is just about...

cultural appropriation. It's hilarious that it is literally... I know, but it's hilarious that it is the classic story of the white dude who becomes one of them and is the best. Oh, is that right? You know that they took the first Avatar and then took the official plot synopsis of Pocahontas and just changed the proper nouns? It's the same exact thing. The story's been told a million fucking times. It's a very unoriginal story.

And I think the first Avatar fucking blew. I saw that in the theater. Yeah, I did too. Because it was 3D. It was a big deal. No, I saw it too, but I'm left being like, I feel nothing. I don't know if it was, but I think the social network came out around the same time. I remember being like, that's a fucking movie. Great movie. You've got writer brain. You're not into spectacle, right?

I just don't... You like good writing. Dude, I think James Cameron makes some great fucking movies. I love Terminator. I love T2. I love True Lies. The Abyss. Yeah, I just am not that into...

Sci-fi. Blue fucking... It looks like you're watching a fucking scene in a video game. Yeah, I'll watch the Blue Band group. You know what I do when I'm playing Halo? I skip that horse shit because I want to play. I don't give a fuck about the little in-between scenes. I'd like to watch them fuck. Can we get an Avatar porn? They do fuck. They do? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. What color is the jizz? Is it also blue?

I got questions. That'd be a great review. I couldn't... I didn't see the jizz, so I can't... I can't wait. Oh, shit! Fullsuck.com. Fullsuck. Someone spent a lot of money on making this. I don't know. I don't like how quickly Salamanca had this live show. Holy shit. This guy really... He really was like, I got this fucking clip ready to go. Wow. It was bookmarked. You know what annoys me, though? There's so many great movies out. Why are we... It's like the...

It sucks that it's got to be a movie like that or a Marvel movie. I know. That's like that...

Movie theaters are depending on the survive. It's a bummer. You know, it's so many great... Well, we've dumbed it down. You need big explosions, blue people, you know, spaceships. We can't... Good dialogue and all that kind of out. People are lazy because... Exactly. You know, you have so much access to shit at home. You know, all these streamers. It's expensive, too. So going to the movies is expensive. But then you look at, you know, all the stuff you could watch at home.

And you're like, well, it better be a reason to get me out. And I think that's why the only reason the big budget movies are what they're depending on. But like, fuck, I wish they'd make like I thought Knives Out 2 was really good. Everybody's raving about Glass Onion. Glass Onion. People are raving about it. Edward Norton. It's cool to see a big budget movie with a brain. Yeah. It's good writing. Rian Johnson. I mean, he's he's made big budget movies that are smart. I thought Looper was a big budget smart movie. Oh, he's got a great resume. He's fucking great. That guy just did. What? What the fuck?

Oh, I got to listen to that. Yeah. He's great. Big fan. Hold on. Shit, I had another thing about him. I mean, what is the last great movie? The last great movie? Great. Like, the whole country's talking about it. I'm talking, like, Pulp Fiction-y kind of. I don't know if that happens anymore. That's what I'm saying. Kick and run.

I don't think the whole country is united on anything. White Lotus. I haven't heard anyone say anything bad about White Lotus. I don't like it. He's the one. There you go. But that's a good nominee because I thought it was great. The second season is phenomenal. Really? Do I have to go back to it? The second season is better than the first. You can start with the second season. Really? Yeah. It's all different cast and everything. I should give it a shot? Yeah, it's layered. It's nice. Very layered. Good dialogue. Makes you think. It has two sides fighting where you're like, well, maybe you got a point there. Maybe you got a point there. Right.

Which the country kind of needs right now. Maybe I'll give it a shot. You guys might have just fucking talked me into it. There you go. I mean, I'm watching Mad Men. I'm going, this is good writing. This is great and heavy and smart. And it makes you want to drink in the afternoon. That's what we're doing. Yeah. No, Mad Men is really...

Top, top, one of the top shows that we talk about it so much. I know. It's just so good. Draper's so hot. He's so hot. The chiseled jaw. So my friend went to the SNL party last week. It's the last one of the year. It's like a big deal. He said, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but he said the whole party sucked. Everybody's a queef now. But showed up, not even on the show, just showed up.

blacked out, sat on a... We shouldn't be saying this. All right, all right. I mean, he was there in public, but he was sat on a couch, Indian style, and like, just, you know, living it up. We can't do that. All right. He didn't do anything bad. He was just trashed. We don't want to say that, though, about him. I think people know he drinks, but all right, all right. I will say, that's a guess we need on this pot. Let's get... How do we get him on the pot?

One of my favorite drinking scenes. What the fuck? I was looking at Mad Men porn. I like that too. He's supposed to be like our footage guy. He's just watching porn now. Everything goes to porn. You're like, what, chicken run? Hold on. Pull that porn up here. He has rule 34 embodied.

No, that drinking, that was like one of my favorite drinking scenes or like bartending scenes in general where he helps the older like mogul make an old fashioned party. Oh, yeah. Like hops over the bar. Yes. That's a great fucking scene. That's such a good scene. And he does it correctly too. Yeah. For that time. Sure. That's the end, that's literally the episode where Roger Sterling does blackface at a party and you're like,

You're like, wow. They really throw you back and forth with some of these characters. Yeah. He's a great character. I mean, it's a great – fuck, that's a great show, man. How did they – They originally tried out to be Don Draper. Who? Sterling. Oh. If you rewatch it now, they do a disclaimer before they say, we don't condone blackface. Really? And it's like – I guess they had to keep it in the series. Otherwise, they'd have to take it out like they did with 13.

That's so fucking funny that they have to write that. Like, anyone's watching, like, this is still cool, right? Is this okay to do at a party? Yeah. No, they got rid of the episode of It's Always Sunny. And 30 Rock. Where they do black. And it's one of the funniest Sunny episodes. Great ep. It's where they do the lethal weapon. Oh, yeah. Yes, I'm getting too old for this shit.

They do it on Seinfeld. Kramer does blackface at one point. The chicken one. Well, no, he gets a really crazy tan. But that's what he's waving with the chicken, right? The chicken wing? I think it's before that. I think it's before that. I know that one. But that's Kenny Roasters. This is earlier where he gets a really crazy tan. He falls asleep in a tanning bed and he's dating a black girl at the time and he goes to meet her parents and they're like, what the fuck is this? They thought he was mocking them so they kick him out. It was funny. It can be funny. I know it's offensive, but that doesn't mean it's not funny.

Luckily, that was the only time Michael Richards ever offended a black person. Good point. You had it. You had it. No, that's the N-word rant. Don't pull that up. It'll get me inspired to start writing. There we go. Yeah, later up maybe. Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe it is the chicken one. See, now he's meeting the family. She's like, what the hell? Is this going to get pulled off YouTube for us showing this shit? Oh, it's on YouTube. Never mind.

That was it. Man, Seinfeld. There's a couple of dicey scenes, but, you know, it's 1993 or whatever. Yeah, you're not going to... Even Seinfeld's like low-key kind of edgy. Yeah. You're going to... Funny. That's Larry David. Yeah, you're going to walk that line occasionally. You're worried about the blackface Kramer thing, but not worried about like the avatar porn that I... Well, that's fake. Oh. That's a cartoon. Yeah, I just assume he's going to bleep the... Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's on it. That would be great if we got pulled for the blackface, but not the two blue people fucking.

Blue face. Blue face. I'm blue. I hated that song so much. Boy, does that get stuck in your head. That was an epic era of dog shit music. Oh, I'm a Barbie girl. I was going to that next. Holy shit. We're in sync. Periods. Another terrible band. Bye, bye, bye. Thanks a lot, folks. We'll see you. Should we wrap it up on something? Sure. I'm still proud of Menstrual Cycle. We got to get that movie made. We will.

We had some fucking clips in this episode, I feel like, right? We had some good moments. I mean, look, we did ramble a little, but we had some fucking moments. Oh, yeah. No, good stuff. Good ep. I felt like the last one, I wasn't on my game. You were great. No, no. This one, we were back. I was off.

Me and Salakius talked later. He agreed. Really? Yeah. Damn. Fucking twisted the knife, Salamonka. I mean, I had to stop him from watching porn for one second to talk to me, but yeah. We're at the diner. He's just fucking like, oh, fuck. Look at that shit. He's like, oh, when Harry met Sally porn. Even worse, when Harry met Sully porn. Fucking on a plane that just barely landed. I don't know.

How great is Sully? I know they made a movie about him, but that guy's a fucking real badass. That guy rules. Yeah, real hero, that guy. I think about that all the time on Turbulence. You're like, man, does this pilot have Sully balls, or is he a bitch?

If we have to land in the fucking water, can he stick it? Yeah. Talk about great movies. Flight. Denzel as the drunk. I only saw parts of it, but I remember liking it. Yeah, I do remember. So good. John Goodman, I remember being good at. There's that great scene where apparently something happens with the plane where it fucks up, something with the malfunction, and he lands it. And they go, we tested 10 other pilots in a simulator and nobody could land it like you did.

and you were drunk and they go we found two bottles of vodka in the garbage only you had access to it and he goes well it was actually three and they arrest him because he has to like convert the plane or something yes the plane goes upside down it's a whole thing man Denzel is a fucking treasure based on a true story right I think it is yeah I think they obviously embellished a lot I think all the flight movies are based on a true besides Airplane it is weird when you see someone watching them on a flight

Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? You're like, is this like the extension of the prep video? Well, the shaky plane. I don't like seeing it on a plane. No, no. I don't like thinking about it. Final Destination is one of the options on United. I'm like, what are you doing? It's crazy. I remember thinking that movie fucking stunk. Yeah, it's like putting Schindler's List on an Amtrak, you know? They don't have movies. The premise is they cheated death.

So now death is like pretty pissed off. Yeah. You fuck, dude, you fuck, you were supposed to die. Yeah. And now I'm going to kill you one by one. And we were like, death is a fucking kind of a woke cunt. Yeah. Death sucks. What a cuck. All right. Uh, do we do it? Do we do it? Rick?

I had a few. Okay, okay. Just checking. Can we do a bit? I don't know if I have. Oh, yeah. We got to do a bit. I don't know if I have any good bits, bro. I'm bad at comedy. I'm scraping the barrel here. Anything I can't... I have one I can't fucking finish. All right. It's not good. Here we go. Can I try it? Please. I have some... All the other new shit's just either hidden or not hidden. This is one I can't crack. So, I don't know if I ever did this in the pub, but I saw a man on a leash...

Wait, what? He's in full leather bondage on a leash getting walked by another man in the West Village. Where else? And my friend turns to me and he goes, hey, it's a little weird, but, you know, he's just doing his thing. You got to respect it. And I was like, do I? I accept it. I have to respect the man. Like, you know, like he's walking by. I got to be like, yo, that's fucking dope, dude. I love you. Like, I don't think that's what Aretha Franklin was singing about. This is very respectable. So I want to do a thing about how, like, you know,

This is the angle. It's like, I can't... Sometimes people will say homophobic shit, like, how do I explain gay to a kid? And I'm like, pretty easy. This, on the other hand, a bit more complex. If you're a dad talking to a kid, like, daddy, why is that man on a leash? Well, my guess is he was sexually humiliated at a very young age, and well, now he likes it. And he's like, well, why in public? Well, he's what's known as a submissive...

You know, he just, you know, he wants people to know. But what about the guy walking him? He's a dom. He likes to be in control. But why not just walk a dog? Well, anyone could walk a dog. A human, that's real obedience and power. And then he's like, Daddy, why do you know so much about this? Ah.

And that gets a pretty big pop. I don't know where the fuck to go. Right. I don't know where to go where it's like, because I'm a sick fuck too. I just dress better than these people. I don't know what to say. That's not the bib. It needs something like that. You know what I mean? It's like right there. I like it. Maybe something about how you do your sick shit behind closed doors. Yeah, with the shades. Yeah. That's like... I mean, how deep do you want to... That's why you're on a leash, Timmy. Like, I don't know. Right, right. Yeah, there's a lot of kids on leashes. Yeah.

How weird do you want to go with it? Well, it's something about how you're... I think the point in life is just... Also, the first thing I know about you should not be your fetish. Oh, that's a good angle. I should know what gets you off, but not your name. Yeah. You know what I mean? You can do an act out where you're the dad and the kid, and then the kid pulls his leash. He's like, why do we have this dad? That's a good twist at the end. I like that. Why do we have this dad? Because I don't trust you.

Also, you could save the dog thing. Don't mention the dog thing. And then when the kids walk in the dog later, be like, oh, is that your dog? Like, I'm a dom. You know, like the kids using the lingo. Yeah. Well, that's good. I mean, it's right there. It's right there. I think the kid on leash is not bad. Yeah, the turn is that he's on the leash. I thought of that originally. I just am like, is that...

I don't know. It's a very New York thing. Well, you're going to have to get full gross with it. It's like, but why am I on a leash, Dad? Right. Because you're not. Yes, yes. Put your snout back on, Timmy. And you keep harping on how weird it is, how weird it is, and then so it'll make the misdirect even harder when the kid's on the leash. Yeah. Pretty good. Your kink is weird if you can fucking shop for it at Petco. Yeah. Yeah.

Is the guy shitting, too? Like, is he full dog? No, no. He's just on a leash. You've seen that in New York, right? I've never seen that on a guy. I've seen it on a kid. No, I've seen it on, like, people walk around. Really? People on leashes. Wow. Have you ever been to, like, the East Folsom Street Fair? It's not a fair. It's, like, a huge, like, kink convention out on the street, like, in Hell's Kitchen. Right under the High Line.

So you see people getting paddled and shit. It's like four square blocks. Oh, wow. Also, maybe the angle is too, like, it's weird to see a fetish alone. Like, you see furries, it's a convention. They're together. This is weird because it's just happening. It's isolated. It's isolated.

A furry, a dominatrix. Because you were in the wild. Yes, yes. So close. All right, what do you got? All right, so I was in Spokane, Washington. Not bragging. And there was a white pride march. And I was like...

What are you doing? There's no black people here. Like it's the most pointless. You're, you're rebelling against something that's not even a problem. You know, there's no black people in the Spokane. It's all a bunch of like blonde toothless in Washington. Yeah. Yeah. Meth guys. And I'm like, that's like going to, that's like being like, we got to get rid of these Asians. And you're like, we're at a community college.

That's not here. They go to real college. I like that the turn is, I like that it's like, yeah, that's funny. It's also funny that you're like, yeah, you're, guess what? Everything's a white person march here. Right, right. You're just going to walk. It's a white person march. Yes. Oh, that's good. You don't need a parade. Yeah, well, that was my other angle is like, you could have a parade. We're celebrating. Right. The celebration would make more sense than the actual anger. Right.

Yeah, it's weird. It's like a white person. You hear about that all the time with places. It's like a white person march, and you're just like... But it's only white people. Yeah, it's pointless. It's like... I had a dumb line. It's like having a Weight Watchers in Somalia. It's unnecessary. I don't want to shit on Somalia. It's like...

Spokane, Washington. Yeah, you picked the one. It's funny. They did a thing in, I remember in Whitefish, Montana. There was like an anti-Jew march. I remember being like, Whitefish. Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Whitefish is where you're doing it? Where's the next fucking march? Smoked Salmon, Georgia? The Filth of Fish, Arkansas. No, but it's like, yeah, you're right. Google Arizona. There's something funny about the...

You're doing a march. It's pointless. They're not even here. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you angry? It seems like you picked the right place to live. Exactly. Exactly. That's my point. So the Asian thing is- What was the march about? It was just, it's a white pride? It was just like white pride, white pride, you know what I'm like? But you did it. It's over. Yeah. It's a waste of time. Yeah. You live in a shitty city. Yeah. Enjoy your whiteness. By the way, no disrespect to Spokane. The downtown's got a few nice parts, but it is one of those things where you're like-

the better cities are diverse. Yes. If you want, if you want to have like your white power thing, just fucking, you know, go to a hockey game. Yeah. Yeah. I think the bit, there's not much to it. That's the problem. I think that's the bit. It's like an Asian, a community college. That's funny. It's like, you're like, uh, yeah. I mean, this is, they're not even here. Yeah. That's why, that's why your tests are so, so bad. You know, you have no one to cheat off. Uh,

So that was one of these bits I tried to blow out, but it's really just like a two-liner. Yeah, it's done. It's done, yeah. It's funny. So I got another one that I need your help on, but it's quicker. Okay. Yeah.

NASCAR, you know, it's from Prohibition. Guys would soup up their cars to get away from police. That's how we got NASCAR. Huge American sport built from a criminal activity. Pretty crazy. No other sport is like that. No guy was ever banging a lady. Her husband comes home, cocks a shotgun. He runs out the back door, jumps on a bike, swims to a lake. Triathlon.

That's great. Didn't you do this last week? Oh, I think months ago. Oh, I get it. Well, triathlon is new. Triathlon is new. Maybe you can text this to me. That's a great bit. It doesn't kill. It does like a... Triathlon. Maybe it's too long. It's such a long setup. Maybe there needs to be jokes in it. I don't know. Say it one more time.

I try to spit out the prohibition thing quick. NASCAR, okay. NASCAR is a prohibition. Criminal activity. Yeah, criminal activity. Led to a major American sport. No other sport has an origin story like that. Yeah. Guy's banging a woman, husband comes home, grabs a shotgun, the guy runs out the back door, jumps on a bike, swims through a lake. Problem is that's not criminal activity. You gotta do like turnstiles is...

as jumping up what's that hurdles oh yeah there's got to be some criminal activity decathlon what's the one where you shoot a gun and swim biathlon is a ski and shoot ski and shoot it's got to be like you're robbing a liquor store the cops show up right you shoot your way out then you shoot a duck

Something like, it's got to be more like, what's a crime that's fun? Maybe it'd be funny if it was like a more white collar crime too, because it's so different. It's like, you know, you rip a bunch of people off. You, you know, you do a Ponzi scheme. You rub people off. You, you fled really quickly in a Lamborghini. You go in circles. Right. You go from the Hamptons back to your house in New York.

What is that, Formula One? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, okay. I can't. That's not the right angle. That's not the right angle. It's like... Could be, you know, Tour de France. Yeah. I do think the triathlon thing is funny. I think it's so long, and then it's just like triathlon. People are like, oh, okay. So the first part is... It's a crime. I need more of a crime. So the first part is this NASCAR. We did it... Maybe it's like something more opposing government.

And that way you make it about like abortion or something or guns. Like embezzling or something? Money laundering? Well, you're saying it's... This is... So something could be the high jump. Something could be... Oh, yeah, high jump. What's the thing when they're scaling the ball? Hold the ball with your leftover boner when you're running away from the husband. Oh, God. I'm not that well endowed.

That's a great punchline there. You're like, my dick is so fucking big that I just pole vault with him. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This one is like, it's a tricky one for sure. Cause it's like started with a criminal. I think another problem is people, people don't know this. It was like, they're learning something and then they're exactly, exactly. Cause I didn't know that. I'm giving a lot of information. It's, it's,

There's also a brilliant racist joke from like the 60s. Brilliant? It's clever. It's really clever. So it's like, hey, you know, black people steal, shoot, and something else, basketball. So they're kind of similar. I don't know if it's brilliant. Well, it's brilliant. Steel shins is another one. I can't remember what the other one is. Something about basketball. Damn it. But...

Not brilliant, but it's like, oh, that's clever. You know, boom, boom, boom. Run, jump, and steal. Run, jump, and steal, maybe. Okay. And shoot.

Run, shoot, and steal. Yeah. I don't know. So I was trying to think of something in that way. Not that I'm using the racist joke as my muse. It would be hilarious if all of Mark's jokes had origins. Right. I'm like, Mark, there's a joke from the Klan from 1914. Just the brilliant ones. He's like, it's really good. There's cleverness in these jokes. No, of course. Even ignorant jokes.

have something sometimes. So, okay, you're... How do you stop Blackie from jumping on the bed? Oh, boy. Let's not go down this road. All right. You don't know that one? We know it. All right, all right. I don't, but I don't want to know it. Okay, it would work for Sam, too. That's true. All right, do it for Sam. Put Velcro on the ceiling. All right. All right.

All right, all right, okay. The audience is laughing at home. The show ended ten minutes ago. I'm glad that most people stopped watching long into this episode. Well, we got the witches. They cut out. This is worse than your d*** chunk. This is f***ing...

What is it? Let me get us off the air here. Besides starting NASCAR, the Prohibition also led to the rise of Al Capone and all those. So it's like the Prohibition was also like the Prohibition against weed. So you can go into a little more historical fact. It gives you a little more room to make jokes. Yeah. I'm just scared about giving... I don't want to do a fucking TED Talk up here on Prohibition. But...

But that's true. It led to a lot of organized crime. Yeah, it started the American mafia. Also started border towns. That's how we got Mexican border towns. People were just like, I need a drink. I'm going to fucking Tijuana. I'm trying to think about this bit still. Yeah, something here. We just need the right sport. Full vaulting over the border? Oh, yeah. Ski vaulting is the ski one. It's funny because that's already a funny thing. Bobsledding is funny. If the sport is funny, it might help the bit.

Like, Seinfeld had that great bit. He's like, Bob's that. It's the weirdest thing. There's no sled. It's just Bob. You know? Great bit of his, but still nothing on that basketball black bit. But, all right. Joking. What is the fucking... I know. We need the right sport. I hate when there's not a... I also thought something could be funny about maybe that's why they drove in a circle in NASCAR is they were hammered, you know? So now you could go after drinking a NASCAR, connect those somehow. Yeah.

He was against government. You've been noodling on this for months. That's how I work. I feel like if you can't crack this, it can't be cracked. No, you whale. I got bits eight years in the making. Really? Really.

Oh, yeah. No, we all have. I mean, Mark can tell you my white night bit took fucking, what, five years? Yeah. Bits take long sometimes. And it turned out great. It was a closer. Bits take long. I almost put it in a special before thinking, and I was like, I'm glad I didn't. Yes. Sometimes you got to sit on some shit. And there's no rush. No rush. Pull this quote up. Einstein, I'm not smart. I just sit with problems longer. Where did I learn that one?

Einstein. Einstein. I can't jump on a bed, but I'm pretty cool. He also said creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. And he was a patent clerk. Is that right? Brilliant guy. It's not that I'm smart. It's just that I stay with problems longer. There you go. You just stay with bits a long time, and you eventually get it. Sounds like my ex-girlfriend. Yeah.

But you stay with a bit for a while. I'll tell you, you're all right. People don't know you sat with that bit for four years. That's the bit. When they see the bit, they go, that's fucking great. This guy's a genius. You're like, it actually took me 10 years, but they don't know that. My wife, she's all right. She's all right. It's kind of that point where I'm drunk, Rodney. Uh,

Good teacher. Really seems to care. Can I tell my Jeff Ross story real quick? Yeah, please. So, as you know, Carolines is closing. RIP to Carolines. Great club. New York State. Did we give them a... I think we did on the last show. Yeah, we had great times there. I heard they're moving, so there might be another iteration. I hope so, yeah. It would be an end of an era. Apparently it started in South Street Seaport. I didn't know that, and then it moved...

to Broadway 40 years ago. It started in Chelsea. Chelsea. It was a cabaret and they had Monday night comedy night and it did so well they said let's do Tuesday too and then it took over the whole thing. Sorry. No, yeah. Comedy nerd. So they're having like some big guys close it out so last weekend was Jeff Ross next weekend is Attell I don't know when this airs. Attell has done every Christmas. Christmas. So that's what he's

He's done it every year since I was in high school. I went to see... No way. I have a signed playbill from Dave Attell from like 2004. Are you going to be in town on the 28th? I won't be, unfortunately. I'd love to. The 28th is a Thursday. I know. I'm flying to Spokane, dude. I remember that playbill because you called him sugar gay and he got mad.

He was like, what the fuck? I'll kill you. He beat the shit out of me. I was like, Sugar Gay? Put me in a fucking headlock. Oh, yeah. He called me Sugar Gay. Then he made me suck his dick, dude. It sucked. Get to the store. I'm going to keep going with this. What's going on? And then I'm acting it out. Sorry. So, you know, Tell is going next weekend. But...

You know, comedy, people are coming out, families of like Gilbert Gottfried's family came out. Oh, nice. To pay respects. Rodney's family were sitting in the front row. Shut up. And Jeff Ross was like, so who are you guys? And she was like, I'm Rodney's daughter. Whoa. And he's like, oh, very nice. And who are these people? And there's like these older kids. And he's like, these are my kids. And then Jeff starts roasting them in Rodney's voice. Wow. With Rodney's material. Wow.

He's like, hey, you have any kids who've lived? And he just kept harping on it. At least you knew she wasn't Two-Face. She'd be wearing her other face. He was doing this to his family. Were they loving it? No. Arms folded.

I just picture eight kids in suits with a red tie. Someone animate that, please. This Ross guy is really bombing. No respect. I haven't seen a bomb this bad since that guy got blown in Ukraine. Wow, that's a wild sight right there.

Well, kids, you've got to realize the son or daughter or whatever of a comic isn't a comic. You ever seen Kelly Carlin? She's like a nice, normal lady. George Carlin, one of the greatest comedians of all time, is his daughter. She doesn't do comedy. No, but she gets comedy. She's cool. If you hear her talk about comedy, her observations are astute. She's a smart person. She gets it. Yeah, but she ain't one of us.

Yeah, it's a different life. It's a different life. That's what I'm saying. But she's a smart person. It's not like your wife has to be a comic. Exactly. Damn it. But yeah, touche. I came home. I see a guy jogging naked. I said, sir, why are you jogging naked? He goes, because you came home early. Yeah.

So my doctor said, you got cancer. He goes, I want to get a second opinion. He goes, all right, you're ugly too. Classic. Rodney is the best. Yeah. I was an ugly kid. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. All right. I was so ugly when I came out, they slapped my mother. I got no respect. I used to share a locker with a mop, I tell you.

That's a nice throwaway. That's a classic. Yeah. Oh, I love all those fucking old...

All those old Rodney bits, dude. He gives me hope because everybody goes, comedy doesn't age well. It rarely ages well. And Rodney, those Tonight shows still hold up. All the jokes are timeless. And they have millions of views, which I love. I love that young people are like, wow, this is funny. Yeah. Because they hate anything old. I went to the bartender. I said, surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said, who said he could sleep with my wife? He said, everybody. Ha, ha, ha.

Wow, that's a double. That's a double. Killer. What's that one where he's like, my wife cut me down to sex once a week. Some guys, she cut out all together. Yes! That's a great one. Brilliant. My wife, she told me once to have sex in the car, and she wants me to drive. They still work. They still work.

She wants to talk during sex. The other week she called me from Chicago. I've never heard that one. He's great. That's a killer. He's the best. And they're so short. And they still murder. I'm sitting here with Spokane nonsense. And this guy's got 20 in a row. Like 11 seconds. I asked if she wanted a cigarette after sex. She said, no thanks. One drag's enough. Oh.

He's great. Man. Now I want you to pull it up, but we'll be here all night. We'll be here all night. All right. Here all night. You've been all right. Sorry, I got my Rodney Tourette's going. I love it. RTs. All right, folks. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Happy New Year. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. See us on the road. Merch. We got merch for Bodega Cat, too. Oklahoma City this weekend. Then fucking theater tour starts, baby. So New Orleans, Austin, New York.

uh dallas tulsa tulsa st louis my eyesight's blurry vegas vegas las vegas las vegas vegas let's see vancouver seattle portland yeah february 4th big big big dates city valentine's day i'll never be more alone in my life i'll tell you huntington atlantic city royal oak yeah that's

Nice. Minneapolis, all that shit. Boston, I had a fourth there, so come out, please. My schedule's all out of whack here, but I'm back in the clubs because I need to build a new hour. Zany's in Nashville. We got like eight shows ready to go. Love that. That's fucking great. Then I'm going to Hawaii-E.

Blue Note. Tickets are not moving. Then Miami Improv. All kinds of fun day. MarkNormanComedy.com. We're going back to Spokane. And then Jacksonville. I'm doing some rough ones. Dayton. Toledo. I'm running it through the mud. Where in Toledo? Funny Bone. Oh, George, what are you doing? I don't know.

I don't know. City of Glass, my friend. Easy, Fort Wayne, on Thanksgiving. We don't love ourselves. No, no, it's a problem. But yeah, come on out. I need you to fill these rooms with our people so I'm not reminded I'm in Toledo. Toledo, the type of room you go into the hotel, you check the ceiling fan to see how much weight it could hold, I'll tell you. Oh, my God. Is that his? No, it's me. That's great. It's me and Rodney's voice. That's killer.

Yeah, I'll kill myself. That's what the tour's called. And yeah, we'll see you in hell. Get some merch, get some bodega, Beer Jew. Mark Norman voice, suicide. Beer Jew is at Good Room in Greenpoint every Friday. Otherwise, I'm at Say Less, and I'm in the U.S. for another month or so. And then if you want to meet me somewhere in Southeast Asia, hit me up. Ooh.

Oh, interesting. You're going to be the tallest. You're going to be like Mothra. What's that? That's exactly what I was going for. Jeez. Salamanca coming hard. What'd you say? You hear that, 14-year-old boys? Oh, yeah. He's going to be grabbing them like the end of The Hidden Temple. Anything to promote Salamanca? No, I'm just shooting this Caroline's last days.

Can't wait to see that. Can't wait to see it. It's going to be great. Excited for you. A classic club. So we're sorry to see you go, Caroline, but we can't wait to see where you end up. And thanks for all the gigs over the years and all the free drinks and chicken parms. We appreciate you. Hell yeah. Yeah. I think we both won contests there. I think I came in second. Ah!

Me too. I think we both lost. Oh, yeah. Good point. I lost the soda. It was a great night, though. I still had fun. I still had fun losing to Dan because he's great and he's a good friend. So it was a fun night. Yeah. Those Christmas parties. My God. Great time. I still remember Rich Voss spin kicking Jason Cantor and breaking ribs. Yeah. Crazy. Good times. Parties. Broke his ribs. All right. Those were the days. You guys, you good? We'll see you all in hell. We love you guys. We'll see you soon. Thank you.

I'm out to lunch here at noon.