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And we're off. Hi, guys. Welcome to We Might Be Drunk, the number one podcast featuring me today. Oh, yeah. My hosts today are Mark Norman and Sam Murill.
Thanks for having us on. You're welcome. Good to see you again. All right. Jew on YouTube. Boy, you might have beat Stavros' record. It's already at 4.3. Do you feel like you got a bump due to Kanye? No question. No question. We worked it out for a while. He was like, I'm ready to go off. I'm like, dude, give me three weeks. I'm releasing this thing in no time. Just give me a few weeks. He's like, all right, I got to meet Trump. Then I'll meet with you. He goes, it's the Arabs or you? I'm like, make it the Jews.
Yeah, Kyrie 2. You got a couple. You got a couple nice bombs. You know what's scary about the Kyrie stuff is I'll go click on it and it's just people going, facts, yep, sing it, sister. And you're like, oh, that's when you get scared. When it's some crazy guy's talking. It's funny about Kanye too. He posted, he was like, hey, I saw this. Here's a link to this thing I saw. Everyone's like, fuck you, fuck you. It's just on Amazon though.
It's not like he uncovered it from the hidden Nazi chambers. It's readily available. Everyone's like, no, that's fine. But him watching it? No, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah. I knew the anti-Semitism got bad because I got written up in this article recently as openly Jewish. Openly Jewish. That's how you know shit's getting kind of dicey. Yeah. Well, I think the eyebrows said that. This could be- That's true. That's true. You could blend. I could blend. You can do some casting. I got some Turkish in here. You could collaborate. We got some latkes. I want to try a latke, dude. Latkes with sour cream. Damn it. We just ate at a deli. We should have waited.
You can have a vodka. Idiots. Do you have vodkas there, too? No, I don't. Beef, barley, and a cabbage with the meat in it. Stuffed cabbage? Oh, I love a stuffed cabbage. Mark really is, like, this close to being a Jew. I wish. He really is. You're, like, on the...
Except for the hatred. I'll take everything else. I would say you're the Rachel Dolezal of Jews. Ooh, Dolezal. You're trying so hard. Yes, I'm Rachel Dolezberg. You're Rachel Dolezal. You're Rachel. Well, thanks, Peters. You really did it up here. This is almost offensive.
I was like, I didn't sign up for any of this. I'm just here to talk about my new book. Well, do you have a bit of a hatred? Because you went so far in and then you got the hell out. You were orthodox for a minute. And now you went the other way. It's like a preacher's daughter thing where you got hoary. So what are you saying? So I'm saying, do you have like a weird resentment towards the heebs? No, I did for a little bit. Now I kind of love them. But now you have enough distance. Now I have enough distance. I love them. Kind of like Jay Leno.
You know, he got off the air for a while. Fuck him. He sucks. Jay walking is lame. And then you're like, ah, this guy's got cars. He's all right. He's cool. I like Jay, man. And I'm glad he's okay. You heard he just went up the other night at the Comedy and Magic. No. He always does. Yeah, but he just was lit on fire. A menorah got him. Wait. Oh, no, I did not hear that. You didn't know he was on fire? He's all jacked up.
He's okay. He's okay. But his opener was, I didn't know it was a roast comic. Like, he addressed it. He had fun with it. Oh, that's great. He got caught on fire by a menorah? No, it was an engine gasoline fire, and it got on his face, and his face caught fire. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't hear about this? It was the worst episode of Comedian Cars yet. Very hot coffee. The show really is like Comedians in Cars, but for people with germophobia. Yeah.
There he is. And still in the denim. They got him denim scrubs just to be nice. We were doing an actor strike. I took out my SAG card. The commercials union was going on strike. And so we're out there picketing. Shit I didn't care about. I just needed that card. Yeah. And he rolled by. Rolled by three times. He's like, you keep fighting. Damn. Look at that. He looks like a sack a little bit. He's got the burns. He looks like he was taken by a flip phone. He looks a little off the chin.
I text him. I know him a little bit. Whoa. I know him a little. Really? I said, I want your okay text. And he wrote back immediately. Oh, wow. Who's this? No, he wrote back. Thanks, Sam. Wow, that's fire. All right. Who are these fucking nurses taking a picture with a man who's just been scarred? Let's take a fucking public picture now. He's a tough guy. He's already back at it, rolling with it. He'll never stop working. He hates the victim thing. There's a story that he went in one day on the Tonight Show with a broken leg. What?
He broke his leg and still went in the record. And just went in? Yeah, he just liked doing the night show. He was like, someone will take my job. I know it. Yeah, probably. What do we have going on here? Whoa, watch out, Leno. Oh, my God. High-priced drinks for low prices. You said thematic, right? Yeah. You got a shot of that there, Pete? How weird would it be if he lit himself on fire, right? I know. That'd be so appropriate. Get a lot. Yeah.
With the sour, great touch, Petey. How many Google sessions did you have to do to figure this out? Danielle Mays. What? Damn. Now I'm even more attracted to her. What are we doing, beer Jew? Is she Jewish? Danielle, come on. No wonder she likes soda. Soda could pass. How many comments could pass? A good amount. A good amount. What is the... What do you call this? Is that challah? This? Yeah. No, it's...
Marble rye. No, babka. No, babka. Babka gold weight. And then what's the tri-four there? That's a hamantashen. Hamantashen. You want a story of that? Please. Okay. Didn't Glassman tell this story? Uh-oh. What is it? There was a king. Hamant. No, there was a king. Achashverosh. And anyway, he didn't like his queen. He was like, hey, bring in this queen. Hey, dance naked for my fucking friends here. And she was like, no. And he was like, you're banished.
The story is she probably had herpes. Oh. Herpes scars. She wanted to show them off to the fucking card game. Nice. Anyway, so he wanted to hunt for a new queen. And this guy, Mordechai, Morty, as it were, told his niece. He had one hot niece. And he was like, Esther. And he goes, Esther, I want you to enter the competition for best queen. Ixnay on the unay.
Don't fucking say you're a Jew. It's going to work against you. Anyway, smart move by a fucking smart manager. She hides it. She wins queen. He's like, you're the hot one. Let's fuck. So they fuck for a while, you know? And then the king's right-hand man, Haman, says,
He wore this three-cornered hat. That'll come back. Yep, yep. And he goes, hey, you know the Jews? And Ahasuerus is like, yeah. He goes, we should, like, kill them, right? And he's like, yeah, whatever. That's cool. And so then he's like, everyone's like, all right, by eating the king, kill fucking Jews. And Jews, you can't fight back. And they're like, fuck, the law's the law. And so, and then right then, Esther's like, hey, Ahasuerus, I got some news for you. He's like, what is it, my love?
She's like, I'm a fucking Jew. Oh, shit. And he's like, what? Oh, you're going to hate this law. She goes, no, no, no. I know about it. Can you change that law? And he goes, you can't change it easily to the king. And he goes, okay, well, then how about Jews can fight back?
And he goes, all right, good compromise. So the big win was we were allowed to defend ourselves. And at that point, the people were like, this isn't as fun. So they went and got Hum on. They fucking strung him up. Three-cornered hat he always wore. So now... This is a tribute. Yeah, it's a tribute to the fucking... Who we hung...
Whoa. Yeah. And then something in there is we got, I think, Achashverosh dead drunk or something. And so now we're supposed to get drunk on Purim. Oh, wait, that's Purim. Uh-oh. That's a Halloween. Oh, yeah. No, completely wrong story. Ah, jeez. You should do a special about this. Can you hand me a hemoglobin? Wait, they're going for Hanukkah. Huh?
It's a Purim thing. They're still good. All right. You're like a cool rabbi. Yeah. There we go. Let me grab one. Ooh. You're not interrupting me. I feel like a congressman. Who's got that old joke? I went into the Jewish deli and I said, how much does the challah cost? That's pretty good. Al Franken? I think it's Big J, actually. Big J and the roast. He made me read it. That's a funny joke. Yeah. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla. Holla.
So, yeah, man. Hanukkah. What day of Hanukkah are we doing this on, by the way?
Is this the last day? Eight crazy nights. Yeah, when is it exactly? Do you still celebrate it or no? No, but I'll light up a menorah. If I'm going to a holiday party, it's fun to bring a menorah and you're allowed. You know? Regular fucking Christmas party. Look guys, I got you. And then everyone lights it up. It's so fun and odd. How do you feel about Christmas songs in a bar like this time of year? Not loving them. Yeah. They're not good songs. Okay. Some of them are good. Some of them...
Yeah, yeah. Santa Claus is coming to town. The Waitresses is a good song. They have a good song. The Waitresses? Yeah. It's like I'm skipping Christmas tonight. Man, those are great. Yeah, those are good cookies. It's the best song. Waitress is a Christmas song. That's it.
You got it. I was flying all day and I was literally just thinking about when I could have a drink. I don't want to blow the energy, you know? Thank you. I wanted some energy for this shit. Cheers, by the way. Congrats on Ari Shafir, too. Oh, yeah. On, uh...
I don't know where it's going to be by the time this comes out. Let's assume 5 million. Oh, yeah. That'd be very nice. Yeah. Welcome to the YouTube club. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, yeah. We're all in there. You guys fucking broke down the barriers. It'll be at 11 million. I remember we'd have these long sidewalk conversations, Ari and I. I'd be like, YouTube? And Ari's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a move. Like, it's the future.
You were thinking about it like a while back. Yeah. Where you're like, maybe I put it on Rogan's YouTube. Maybe. You were like, you didn't know, but now it's like you built up yours and now it makes the most sense. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm so stoked on it. So many people see it. Very good. Very good. And it's niche. You're the only guy who could pull this niche off. If somebody else did a show about just Allah or something, it wouldn't get four million this week. It'd be on the FBI's Most Wanted. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I tried to make it funny. That was what I wanted to do. Above all, get laughs. Yeah. And it did. Yeah. And it looked great with the candles. God.
It looks so fucking good, right? And I think it's at your place. Roulette, right? Yeah. Whoa, keeping the family. It's a testimony to fucking how if you just do some set dressing, like, things don't look the same. Oh, yeah. You can't really tell. Chris DiStefano shot a special there, Gary Goldman, so many people. Is that right? Yeah, they all look so different. I went and scouted it, and I was like, okay, have you ever done a special here? They're like, those two, Sam Morrill. I was like, oh, I was at
You were there. And I didn't even remember. I got a picture of you giving me the finger like two inches from my face in the green room. It's a gem. That is a gem. I don't know how to take pictures. Too autistic. Yeah, dude. Look how pretty. I mean, what is that? 4,000 candles? 6,000 candles. Wow. Almost 6 million. Almost. Getting there. All right. Yeah. It's been really good, though. Have any prominent Jews reached out to you? Ooh.
No, you would think somebody would. I'm waiting for Ben Shapiro to be like, what's up? Let's go. Yeah. No one. No one. There's got to be someone. Woody Allen. Prominent. No, you would think it would come across the radar. It's only been out for three weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Harvey's a calling. All right. I'm taking that call. If Epstein were alive. Collect call from. All right. Oh, my God. I just watched a Jelaine Maxwell Netflix doc. Have you seen this? There's a doc on her already. Yeah. It's what's the Epstein doc.
There is. It's the same one. Filthy Rich. Oh, okay. I've seen that. Hanukkah guilt, baby. Hanukkah guilt. The candy that's shaped like money. The people who can't stop thinking about it. Not doing wonders for our stereotype. Not really at all. Wait, it's called guilt? All right. No, that's what they call it if you don't get it. Oh, so it's the same doc. Yeah. All right. It's a new one, though. She got her own. Oh, she got her own. Yeah. Jelaine Maxwell, Filthy Rich. Oh, they couldn't even put her on the cover. No, she got her own. Okay.
All right, we get any side boob? She was a piece back in the day, dude. She was a piece. She was a dime piece. Oh, yeah, well, she's a rich kid. Imagine going from dime piece side piece to just groomer. Yeah. Bummer. That's how much you love money.
She couldn't stand being poor, so she's like, I'll just get this father figure. Some girls. Epstein. She's like, I mean, it goes to show how much the dad and parents that all play a role, but her dad was like Epstein, minus the pedophilia. Was he really? He was always fucking around the mom and a shitty guy. And then she's like, I'll just attach myself to another guy like my dad. But he's like, well, this daddy has got some even weirder quirks. Yeah.
Yeah, I describe pedophilia as a quirk. Quirk, yeah. That was probably a misfire. But she was in on it. She was... Yeah, she was scouting for him. Scouting, yeah. She was the front office. Right. Yeah, she was making the moves. She was making the public in the early days.
Oh, yeah. She was hot in her day, though. Don't love her eyebrows. Look at her with Trump and whoever the fuck that is with Trump. She's hot. Young Julianne giving those foot massages on a jet. Who's that chick with Trump? Was that Melania? She's one of the hottest chicks in history. She was something back then. She still looks good. I've seen her naked. Have you? Yeah, pull them up. Who, Melania? It's my wallpaper. But yeah, she was like a cover girl for a hot minute. And an escort, I believe. Remember when she was the first lady?
Oh, yeah. Wasn't that wild? There we go. Wait, that's Jaze, that's Melania? Oh, yeah. No, it's like Debbie Harry. Yeah. Debbie Harry. No hair on her. Look at that. I mean, come on. That's the first lady, folks. What a country. What a cunt. Tree. Man.
This is pretty good. This is pretty good. What do we do with this? Men with Ketam grape juice. All right, so there's this popular golf course drink called the Transfusion. It's just grape juice, ginger ale, and vodka. Okay. So we made it Hanukkah in light of...
In light of. No, in light of doesn't sound right at all. Well, we're lighting the monocle. In honor of. In honor of. Fair enough. So it's Ketam grape juice, ginger ale, and our bodega cat rye with a little bit of lemon. And then, you know, a little lemon with brown sugar roasted. What is Ketam? Is that a Jew thing?
It is. It's grape juice. It's a juice thing. It's just a grape juice that's used. Grape juice. Isn't it funny? In lieu of like red wine and stuff. Okay. Well, Norman's got that joke about how like we're lucky we're not attracted to kids. Like when I was- Oh, yeah. How does that go again? When I was a kid, I liked grape juice. Now I like red wine. When I was a kid, I was attracted to young girls. Now I like older women.
but I still like grape juice. Something like that. It's been a while. It's like, man, I think of that every time I see grape juice. All right. You own grape juice. That's so great. You see a bit, you can't stop thinking about it. Every time I see a neck tattoo, I think of Todd Berry's bit. You forgot to not do that.
So easy or so simple but so funny. And then his voice just like the sarcastic dick. Yeah. That's a nut. Atel's got a million of those where you're like, oh, that's an Atel bit. Oh, man, I was watching Atel on Ian Fidance. It was Wednesday night of Thanksgiving.
And I was just wasted. Liz and I were just pounding martinis. I love drunk Sam. And I was just in the doorway watching a tale on Ian. And I was just, it was like, you ever just like watch comedy? It's the best. We don't do it enough anymore. We're just dying, man. And you just hope Dave doesn't see you because then he's going to bring your ass in. He saw me and he was like, he goes, is that one okay, Sam? Yeah.
Come on, man. That's for a laugh. I'm dying. Yes, it is. Literally the quickest guy on the planet. I saw him talking to a lady the other night. He goes, ma'am, you like a vibrator? She goes, I just use my fingers. He goes, mmm, acoustic. He said to Ian, he goes, are you dating anyone? He goes, I just had a breakup. He goes, I didn't know you could break up with a cat. Ha, ha, ha.
It's nice. So good. So good. They have a great rapport. They do. They're so good together. Yeah, they really do. What a combo. And they share cigarettes, which is cute. They share cigarettes? No, they have, I mean, like packs. They don't like pass one back and forth. No, that would be weird.
That would be weird. Hey, Dave, let me get a hit off that. Boy, Jewish food, it gets a bad rep. I'm loving this shit. Jewish food's great. Yeah. You know why we get a bad fat? Gefilte fish. It's all basically what it is. That's gross. And guess what? Gefilte fish is kind of good. Come on. If you put horseradish on it. If you put the horseradish, the red kind or the white kind. It's jello, right? It's jello, right? It's jello. It's jello loaf. It's fish loaf instead of meat loaf. I love that this is so ingrained in who Ari and I are that we can't turn on gefilte fish. I know.
It starts with gefilte fish and then it goes to kugel. You can't have it. We're the NRA. Oh, it looks like hell. I like it. I know. We're going to get killed in the comments. They got me that in helium once and they're just like, we got you a thing of gefilte fish. And I was like, I'll play this place again. Oh, wow. He took it out of your pay. Oh, yeah. That's the natural kind. You want the unnatural kind. That's the original form.
Peanut butter, you don't want that oil. Give me the jif. The oil's too much. The peanut butter oil is like, get the fuck out of here. You're going to stir it like you're a wicked witch? What am I, Amish? Give me the jif. That's what you want, the unnatural kind that you're slicing up. That's what it looks like? That's the better kind. I thought it was green for some reason. What do you think it was? I was picturing jello.
You ever eat like, and also a lot of Jewy food is also like kind of that Ukrainian Russian type food. That I like. Borscht. Borscht. What do you call those? Polaroid? Polaroid? I got a baby that's a cholent sometime over this winter. I don't even know what that is. It's an Eastern European Jewish stew. Pull it up. C-H-O-L-E-N-T. Let's call it that. Cholent. There we go. This shows down. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm bringing it in. It's hearty. Looks like a chili. Mm-hmm.
pierogi that's what I'm thinking of slow cooked pierogies are great so good 15 hours wow that does look good it's like a slow cooker if you're not bombing anybody with it it's like a pot roast damn that looks so good
Oh, that's right up my alley. Especially in the winter, man. Yeah. Boy, that'll make you really shit. I kind of... Going back to the Christmas music. Oh, yeah, yeah. I kind of like a good... Like getting loaded in a bar with Christmas music playing. Rocking around. Wow, you already feel like you're a tourist. A little bit. You feel like you're passing through. Yeah. And then you go out and that cold wind hits you in the face. It's kind of fun to drink. Like also...
You know what I love about the winter drinking is the warm drinks. We got to get on that. We got to get on Liz. Yeah. We got to get this either mulled wine or hot cider. Hot cider is big. Mold wine. Hot toddy is a killer. Hot toddy is underrated. Love it. That's what we should call Todd Berry from now on. Hot toddy. I've been getting on it for years. Make a fucking mulled wine. Love a mulled. Don't do it. And you smell it in the distance. Smell it. Got the apple stick or whatever that is in there. Mold wine is definitely the move. Cinnamon stick. Over a hot toddy outside.
- Really? - Mold wine is easy, 'cause it's easier to bash and easier to serve out to a lot of people. - What is mold wine? - Hot toddies, you're gonna have to do it individually. - But you can just warm up something in the microwave or something. - Yeah, I mean, no, you have a kettle or whatever, but mold wine is just nicer. It's hot sangria, effectively. - It's hot sangria. - Ooh. - I don't know if I've ever had that before. - No, mold wine is delicious. - It's good, it's good. - And it's really, really good. - It will make me stop. If I see a sign outside a sandwich board that says mold wine, I'm going in. - 100% yeah, I think yeah. - Damn. And it warms you up. - We gotta do an ep with that. - It's so good. Well, we can absolutely do that. - All right.
Went back over the summer. And then what is in a hot toddy? That's whiskey. Whiskey, tea, cinnamon. It's for when you're sick. Usually cinnamon and other spices like cardamom. That's what alcoholics drink when they're sick. It's like Boston people are like, this will help you get better. Don't not drink. Just get better. Speaking of Boston people, I was in Fort Wayne over the weekend and we're just watching movies in between the shows. So Dina had never seen The Town. And I was like, oh, The Town is so good.
Such a fucking good movie. I love the town. It's so good. That's so fucking underrated, that movie. It's great. What do they take over Fenway? Yeah, of course. Yeah, like every scene, Affleck's rocking like a brun shirt. Yeah. Can I wear my own stuff? All right. Buy the movies you can wear your own shirt. No costume designer. There was a hot minute when the 10 year, nine year span where Boston was everything. It was like...
It started with Good Will Hunting and then it went to Town. It was like Townies. Departed. Mystic River. Gone Baby Gone. It was a lot of Boston. It's because of that writer Dennis Lehane. They could just adapt like every one of his books into a movie. They just like fit perfectly in movies. Right, right. What's the one he did with that chick from E.T.?
Drew Barrymore? Yeah. They had a romantic comedy. Oh, Fever Pitch. Fever Pitch. Another one. Boston. Now the Beantown. And then they just won every championship in sports for like 15 years. Yeah, that's true. Nobody liked that. No one rooted for them. Oh, dude. They had one Red Sox. Now Brady's gone. Oh, the cop. Can we play this? Yeah, we can play this. All right. They let him go.
He's like, get out of here, man. Do we kill this guy? That's very realistic. I could see a cop just being like, ah, fuck it. Yeah. Literally looking the other way on the nose. Also, the scene with the florist where he's cutting the rose. Oh, yeah. Scary guy. That's the one that really got me. Pete Pousselwaite.
How does that guy live with himself? How about... You know, he's like, fuck, I'm dead if I do anything. But also, they're gone now. Call it in. Oh, that's true. He made a deal with them. He's honorable. What about... Fuck. The classic, it's like such a cliche, but it's such a badass line where Affleck just walks in. He's like, I need you to beat up some guys with me. You can't ask me about it now. You can't ask me about it later. And we're going to hurt some people. And Renner just goes, whose car are we taking? Oh!
That's a badass moment. I butchered the line, but it's... That's a friend. Oh, yeah. It's badass as fuck. Oh, the fighter was another one? Yeah. Yeah, you nailed it.
This is his best role, Renner. Renner? This is before Marvel, right? Yeah. Dude, I did a commercial with him. What? You did a commercial with Jeremy Renner? My first commercial. We did two Kia commercials. He was in the other one. We had to go to the Grand Canyon. What? We had to go to Monument Valley. Pull it up. Wow. But yeah, he did the other one. Is that it? There he is. I was friends with that girl. I feel like Ari's about to get cut out. This wasn't the one I was in. Richard Boynton?
This is the other one, but this is the one he was in. Why? He's so young. That girl was so hot. I was friends with her. She looks like... Jewish. Branovich or the Miss Maisel. Maybe not. Yeah, I can't put it down. Was he reading the manual?
Here we go. No, that's Jeremy Renner's. I'm in a different one. We both shot. He shot that one. I shot mine the same day. He said he had just done this movie. They wouldn't release it yet called Dahmer. He said it's an independent movie. He won all these independent spirit awards because they won't release it. I'm on fucking SAG. They're helping me out with my rent because I can't pay my fucking rent. This movie's going to come out. I don't know. It might do something. They won all these awards. Boom, boom, boom. I didn't realize he was in a Dahmer movie. I didn't either.
Cool guy. This is... Oh, that was Ari. Yeah. Oh, that was the old Ari. Let me see. He had the hair and the beard. Hey! Oh, my God. Now, is this after Amazing Racist? Yeah, right at the same time. Man, you had a moment. Yeah, this is after. Good to have you back. Thanks.
All right. That's like the Ari that would have been a rabbi. Yes. I was shortly out from that. I couldn't feel how to put in both worlds. Now, where are we at on pay? Because commercials used to pay. Dude, that Kia commercial, it's not up there, I guess. But it gave me like 20 or 40 grand over a two-year period, which is like, you know, you get to make enough. The taxes on the shoe were the biggest check I've ever seen. How was the audition?
Easy. I just got out of my car and yelled. My fake car. Come to Mind My Valley. Look at that. Well, you had a look. I had a look. That's most of it. Can you pull up me in a Toyota commercial? No way. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy Central. Yeah. I remember this. I think I made, you know, six grand on this. But still, I remember you got that. I was like, whoa, it was huge. They closed down Brooklyn Bridge. I got to drive across it with a big. Oh, this is it. How did you find this? Salamanca. He's good.
Look how young I was fresh faced as me working on bits. Fakely in a place you can't afford. Thank you. This is me. The whole gag is I'm driving around and I see shit. I'm like, that's a bit like you would never be able to drive in New York. That's an LA thing. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. Old New York Comedy Club, too. Yeah. That took two days. Wow. That was a nightmare. Yeah, it was a nightmare. What was that Doritos one? I don't remember Doritos one. Oh, you did a Doritos commercial? I don't remember Doritos. That's a big ad. All right. Oh. Oh, I remember this. Yeah.
I was doing fake commercials to cover up for the fucking drug sponsors I'd always have. I can't put that on YouTube. I'm kind of loving these sweatshirts right now. Not bad at all. Matt Peters bringing the heat. Yeah. Should we light them in order and say the prayer? I want to hear it. I'm going to be all over the place, but I know the words. I just don't know the order.
Now, here's the question. Would the Defamation League go after you guys if you said an offensive joke, or is that okay? No, they've gone after me. I was in the Simon Wiesenthal Center for Hate Speech once. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Wait, there's a center for hate speech? How do I get tickets? You got it. Let the shamish first. You did it right.
Wait, all right, now do the prayer. I got to know it. Wait, wait, wait. You got to say the prayer first, then you light it up. You got it? Baruch atah Adonai. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, so far. Eloheinu melech olam. No, this isn't right. This isn't wrong. Yeah. Like we would know it. L'hadlik nersho Hanukkah? Yeah, that's the ending. Yeah, there's something else, though. Hava, hava nagila. You couldn't even get the right two words. Hold on, hold on. I'll get it. No, it's baruch atah.
This is adorable. I don't know. It's a beautiful language. Bring it up. Bring it up. I'm a shitty Jew, guys. I'm sorry. You're doing pretty good. It's been a long time for me. Don't forget to watch my special on YouTube right now. Yes. Wow. Hey.
Suck it, Kanye. Yeah, there we go. How do you remember that? It just sounds. Mixing up the order there. Ouch, you missed. Five million, that's for my hits. My hits on YouTube.
You got to do a party for six million. This one's for the Jews that died. We're even now, guys. Yes, yes. Seven is for the days we have to give before we evict you. And half a candle for Lenny Kravitz. And eight is how long the Jewish chicks' periods are. All right. Great blowjobs from Jewish chicks. Shalom.
Here's why this is not real. Because a chick's singing it. Not in my community. It's messed up, bro. Oh, I had a great moment on my Connect flight today where you have to gate check all the bags with the pink tags. And you're in that little thing where they pull down the thing and they have to lift it all the way up. You either get it handed to you, the bag, or you get the thing and they have to pull up the garage door. Yes. This woman was... We're all freaking out because it's Atlanta. We're trying to make our connection, all of us.
And it's all these fucking Midwestern people who are too polite to say anything. Thank God they got a New Yorker there. But all the people there, like the woman's like, I can't get it open. They're like all like, ha ha ha. But I was like, lady, we got fucking connections. Yes. Come on. And she was like, okay, I'll call help. And she called help. It's two other women with like long fingernails. I'm like, yeah, this is going to help. They come, they can't figure it out.
20 minutes of this where I'm like, I'm going to miss my connection because they can't figure out how to open a door. A thing that they've used multiple times. It's not, but it's their job. It's a janky, it's like from the 80s. We were talking about this. I've seen those. So then they call a guy, I shit you not, a guy shows up in a hat, kicks it, it just opens. Fonzie showed up. I was like, come on. And you want to vote? I'm like, guess what? If the New Yorker doesn't snap,
We don't make our flights. Yeah. There's a place for politeness. That's true. It ain't there. That's a good sketch. A New Yorker in certain areas where you need them getting shit done. We need a New Yorker. Yeah. Whoever you are. It's like, fuck, we're not getting anything done. And you need us to drive you somewhere. And we're like, yeah, we're fine. Yeah. Alec Baldwin shows up. He's like, all right, I'm out of here. Some tuk-tuk driver's trying to shake you down for some extra Thailand bot. And you're like, oh, I don't know. New Yorker's like, I know the price. You've got to be out of here.
We're good at confrontation. Yeah. One of our only skills. It's because there aren't guns in the city. That's why we're good at confrontation. That's a bit. I do have a bit along those lines, but that's not the bit. But it's true. That's why we are good at confrontation. Interesting. I still remember some fucking lady, me, Norman, and Lister, seeing an awful Casey Affleck movie about a ghost. Casey Affleck. Oh, that's bad. Spent 95% of the movie in a...
an actual sheet. It was so bad. It was trying to be artsy, pretentious, brutal. The worst. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. What? No. No, it's not. Pretty high up. Pretty high. Casey Affleck is a ghost? And Rooney's in it. That girl, Mara Rooney. Rooney Mara? Rooney Mara? Is it Rooney Mara? Yeah, a ghost. Look at him. He's in a fucking ghost outfit. Whoa, I didn't know that. That's him. That's Casey Affleck. Where'd he use your actor? It looks like a parody. Salacuse could have done this role. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
So bad. Sundance. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This must have been the cheapest movie to shoot of all time. 5.2 million views. Wow. Wow. For this trailer? A24 is a little bit on their own dick. Oh, yeah. A little bit like, you know when they throw up the- An A24 film. You could just feel them being like- Yeah. We're fucking A24, dude. That's right. We'll do whatever we want. But anyway, we're walking, strolling, eating some ice cream, and some lady's like, oh,
Like, yeah, she's trying to get by us. You remember this lady? Oh, yeah. And somebody, one of us was like, what's her problem? We were all like, she's going to die soon. She's going to fucking rush this fucking bitch. Fuck you. It was just like, why did I pick on comics? Yeah, we're trying to make a movie here, sister.
Yeah, that movie stung. I remember I stole a bunch of beef jerky. Stole beef jerky. He took the highest level priced item. I turned, bought some popcorn. You fucking five-finger discount. They serve beef jerky? What's one of these high-end theaters? High-end. 824 type theater.
And we were the only people in there, by the way. Yeah. Sushi turn for my popcorn. Snitchy snitch. Yeah. There used to be a theater on the Upper West Side. It was like 61st Street or something. And they had cashews. And it's like, you know you're getting some good movies. Yeah. And they're serving cashews. You're a high-level nut. You know you're getting a fucking foreign or a Woody Allen film. Right. If you do insulted nuts at the concessions. Yeah.
You're getting a nice snack. The Angelica used to serve quiche. No Joe. I remember that. I swear to God. They might still do that. They might still. Yeah. Yeah, I went there on a hot date in 2007. The quiche was the hot part. Yeah. It was warm. Did you score? I think I did. What did you say? Juno. Oh, good movie. Yeah, fun. That's a winner. Jason Reitman's got some fucking winners. Oh, yeah. Jason Reitman? Yeah. He's good. Thank you for smoking up in the air. Oh, yeah. He's got some bangers, dude.
What is Ivan? Ivan just passed away. He did? He did. Of what? I don't know. It was sudden. He was like 75. I met him once. I met Ivan. I met with his company a long time ago. He was a nice guy. Wow. Jason Reimann always came to the belly room. One belly room show. That's right. Either Roast Battle or Ding Dong Show. Roast Battle. Roast Battle. Yeah. Cool guy. Yeah, he's a fucking great director. Fuck him. Yeah.
Ivan's a legend. I mean, Ghostbusters, Stripes, that guy made so many classics. If there was a good comedy with titties in the 80s, that guy made it. Yes. He really used a titty. He did. He really used one. It was pre-porn. Yeah. Pre-internet porn. A tit was a big deal.
Yeah, he wasn't skating by it. He was letting you see it. It's funny because a tit still hits. Like I was on a, you know, we see tits all day long. You can put your fucking Instagram, they almost show tits. Twitter has tits. But I was on an airplane and I could see like eight screens over. A boob was on the screen. I was like, I could have put it on mine. But the fact that it was on someone else's was so hot. It's a more forbidden tit. Yes. Yeah. It's a voyeur tit. Yeah.
And it's a public place, too. It's a show me. It's also a voyeur envoyer. It's like meta. It's like a meta tit. Yeah, meta tit. Meta tit's the best tit. Yeah, there's something about it. He directed Isla and the Tigris of Siberia? Oh, okay. He produced Isla. He also made Todd Phillips' career. Really? He produced, he found Todd Phillips. Where'd he find him, man? Because he was Todd Phillips.
He did. No, I mean, he found him. I think he produced Road Trip, which was his first big movie. Do you think your presence in Joker put Todd Phillips over? Yeah, I think he was teetering on the edge. I definitely, yeah, I definitely helped. I heard that theory before. It's called the Murill effect. Oh, look at that pic. Fuck me. I hate him. You just see a picture of yourself, you're like, fucking kill me. Oh, yeah. Sam Murill on his role. That's a YouTube for you.
Sam's mom cut this. Oh, come on.
What are you doing? Oh, you can hear it. Yeah. No, but Todd, if it's a musical, I have got pipes. You need someone to sing Luck Be A Lady. I'm your guy. It's a musical. Luck be a lady tonight. They call you Lady Luck. Is that Moe Sislak? Yeah, if you're doing a Muppets movie, Sam is there for you. Dude, that Muppet Babies theme song has been in my head long and hard.
I can't believe no Jews have reached out because this is like your... I'm a little upset by the week, right? I'm a little upset that no Jews... I've been off the grid for the last 10 days. That's a problem. People have reached out and you haven't checked your Instagram. Yeah, maybe I'll ask Kyla. Any Jews reach out? Because she's like, I don't know, they all look like Jews to me. Yeah.
Well, we got lucky because we got Ari a day before he's going to disappear to Thailand or wherever the fuck he goes for three months. He's going to be gone like Rambo or something where some general has to find him in a hut. Except instead of a general, it's an assistant from CAA who has to knock on the door. Ari's meditating. Ari, we have a gig for you. Enjoy the beacon.
There you go. This was a banger in my day, dude. Now, do you have the thing where, because you did a special a couple months ago, you just had one out now. Yeah, right now. And now you got to go, you're going to sell some tickets off the back of this thing. You got to have a new shit. I was very lucky this time.
Because the Lakers came after me pretty hard. So I had to stop doing this hour for a little while. Oh. And I already worked on another hour. Right. Plus, it's so long building this one. All my leftover material, all the shit that was like. By the Lakers, who do you mean? Blacks from LA. Because I just picture like, you know, John Sally. Yeah. There's the pipe, you know. Rick Fox. The early Vlade. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So I don't, I'll plus I had leftover material, like any like a weird, like I got a dog. It's like, it doesn't fit in the Jew hour, but like I still do bits about it. So I had leftover jokes. I was already ready to go. Ah, so that was no problem. And I'll talk to Schultz about it. It is annoying. You finish a special, like, Oh fuck.
That's why he's in Fort Wayne. Well, Bill, I've got like a new 50 that's passable. I can get by with like 50. Well, it's not like special worthy, but I can get by with it. It's sellable worthy. Yeah, it's getting laughs. You can morally charge a crowd for this. Yeah, it's hitting all the way through. It just needs...
to be better to put be putting a special so i'm gonna take my time with this next one yeah yeah you know what i'm gonna do because i did it this time where i stopped whatever put it away went on fucking holiday for you know covid and then whatever else and then did other material and then was like all right let me try to do this fucking special so then i started doing it again for eight months or so but then when i left it for like a year and i was like damn i could fucking tighten all these bits i saw it like fresh again you know you guys are better joke writers than i am but like
But like I could see it from the outside going like, damn, that's too long a setup. These two jokes are almost exactly the same. Right. What's your process for that when you listen to bits? Like how do you cut the fat and how do you like? I have trouble with it. Cutting the fat. I'm like, this is good. This is great. This is great. This is good. I'm like, well, good and better. I want to keep it in. But you got to be like, nah, the good's not that good. Right.
Yeah, sometimes there's a line for you. That's the problem, though. Sometimes there's a line for you that, like, you want to walk that line between being indulgent. Because there's bits where, like, I'm, like, almost cut, and it turns out to be someone's favorite line. Well, yeah. When I was doing This Is Not Happening editing, I was, like, you know, showed the comics. Like, the comic section wouldn't let me, but I just did it anyway. I was like, hey, tell me your notes on this. I'll pretend like they're my notes. And so I sent one to Mark, and I was like, I'm going to cut this line, this line, tell me what you think. And Mark's like, no, no, no, that's, like, a catchphrase of mine. I want to keep that in.
Oh, yeah. I was like, okay. Like, I would never have known that. You tried to cut comedy? Yeah, I think something like that. When he's like, comedy, I'm like, that's a weird tick. I don't know what that was. I didn't get a laugh. But, you know, out of all the shows we've done, no one more hands-on with the editing than you. That was pretty great. I don't know if you guys saw. And you fought for comics fucking hard. Oh, yeah. Like, I mean, the Doug Smith set, which I think is like an old-timer. Oh, my God, what a banger. That's an old-timer. Him and Louis Katz, too. Yeah. Yeah. I had to go down to the New York Comic Club so many times to watch Doug do.
I was like, hold on. I got 10 minutes. I'll go watch it. Who's doing that, by the way? That's insane. That's very cool. Yeah. What's your show? I mean, you took pride in your show. I think that's how it should be. Came up with another way to lie to get New York comics in. Be like, we don't have the money to fly people in. It's first class and we have to put them in a hotel. We just don't have the budget for that. And I was like, what if they were just here randomly? Like, well, then we could look up as locals. I'm like-
I'll talk to you guys in a minute. Look at that. He made it happen. I booked Norman that way. I booked Big J that way. I booked Norman that way. And then Norman's agent called and was like, hey, where's this offer? What about the hotel? What about the flight? And I was like, talk to your client. I think he's going to be in L.A. anyway. Yes. I stayed on some gal's couch. I was plowing. You can get here. I can get you on. But I can't get you here. Yeah.
That's what the offer said. Mark's plowing. He's plowing this shit. It's plow contingent. I hooked up with your makeup lady, by the way, on that show. You hooked up with her? Yeah, yeah. I remember. Oh, yeah. Old blonde. Did she regret it once the makeup came off? The black face. Didn't you hook up with one of the strippers there? Huh? Didn't you hook up with one of the strippers there? I got a number, but I called it. It went, boo-doo-doo. This has been disconnected. It was a payphone at LAX. What's with the seven-digit number here? What the hell?
That's the right amount of digits. Hookers. Strippers and comics, we have a kinship, I feel like. We do, yeah. There's a weird, I mean, there's something about putting yourself in front of people. Right. Vulnerable. It's going to be rough. Bad childhood. Yeah. Parents are disappointed in you. Yeah. The good shows is bad shows. Although comics can turn it around at some point. Comics can turn it around. The higher up you get in the strip world, it could get worse. The worse it is. True. You don't want to be a world-renowned stripper. Yeah. But I guess that's kind of the goal.
I guess. Yeah, I guess so. But it's not going to turn around. I think it's comics almost like PIs, like those old books. Right. Comics are like fucking waiting for the phone to ring. Right. Weird hours. You're going to weird places. You're waiting on a check to clear. It's almost more like a PI situation. Hungover, pizza boxes. You go to a diner. Somebody follows you to your car to fucking beat you up. Yeah. Free days. Yeah.
You made a vinyl for Same Time Tomorrow? I didn't make it. Someone sent it in. Someone made it? This is all stuff from our listeners. That's not a working vinyl? No. Not that I think. I made a vinyl for Out to Lunch and they sold like hotcakes. Yeah, I gotta make a vinyl for Jew. I can give you guys the info. Do that. You got it. I just promoted it. The company ships it. They give you the money. I love that. Out to Lunch album.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, God. I don't know what that is. $25. Vinyls are the best buy for if you're going to see a band. Best value buy. They're like $25, $30. Same price as a t-shirt. Oh. Keep a vinyl for fucking ever. Do you sell t-shirts on the road, Ari? No, I used to. I just...
I need like 30 minutes to calm down after I get off stage. I know what you mean. What about like, didn't you used to sell those weed grinders? That was a great, for your fan base, it was a great. Yeah, Ed Brook was like, why don't you sell some weed? I told him a story of me in Toronto, before I was famous, but like an occasional recognized. And someone was like, are you Ari Shaffir? And I was like, yeah. He goes, can I smoke a joint with you? I'm like, have you got one? And he's like, let's do it. Smoked three hits. And he's like, keep it. Let's go. I told Ed Brook that. I goes, you got to start selling some weed shit. Yeah.
He's a fucking hilarious agent. Yeah. He is the best. You've got to lean into this drug shit. He's the least agent agent. He is very. Justin's very cool. He's a good dude. He was telling me once I was like getting, I don't know, I was like flying with weed. He goes, Ari, if you get caught with weed and you miss your fucking gigs in Minneapolis, this is a long time ago, it's going to hold you back. No one's going to want to book you if you suddenly get an arrest and can't do a fucking show. It's not good for your career. I was like, what if I get like big like Doug Benson? Like,
Won't it eventually help me? He goes, we'll get to that stage. And then at some point, like years later, I was like, hey man, if I get arrested for weed now, it would be cool. It would help my draw, right? He goes, yes. Do you think the Kobe thing, obviously the initial shock was bad, but do you think it kind of
a little in the end because it was a huge splash. Yeah. Yeah. When I got, when I got during COVID, I think these black kids were like, hey, Ari. And I was like, uh, this is like, this is like 24 year olds like, hey, can we get a picture? Okay. And they're like, Kobe. And then I was like, oh, I think I'm the guy who they trust goes for it. Oh,
Doesn't worry about his own safety. That's funny you say that because I remember hanging out with Gillis after that whole thing happened and all these Asian guys were like, we got to get a photo! And they just loved sending that photo of him. My old roommate Dory, Asian guy, fucking loves Gillis. There you go. I think he's my favorite comic. And I saw him go over to Gillis and tell him. I could see Gillis turn to me and like... I remember when Ari, after the Kobe thing, we were at the stand and I was like, I'm going to the cellar and Ari's like, I'll go with you. And I was like...
Walk ahead. Let's take a cab. Like taxi? Everybody was so worried. I don't want to walk this with Ari. Sam's reaction was one of the best. Norman went hard on me for me. But like...
But Sam, they came out their comics like disown Ari. It was so weird. And you're like, what do you think about Ari? And he goes, oh, he's consistent. He's just pretty much like, I'm not getting involved with this. I don't know. He's hated the Lakers for a while. I love Kobe. I was a basketball fan, but Ari's my actual friend. Yeah.
It's great. I was opening for Hannibal after the Cosby thing broke, and he was like, no, no, enough. Leave me alone. It's too much. We'll give you 10 grand for five-minute interviews. He's like, no, leave me alone. Wow. The women said to Cosby, too. You didn't listen. Yeah. 10 grand. Leave me alone. But yeah. So they went on it. Yeah. I think overall, it increased my fucking...
Who I am. Damn, that's a pretty good D you got there. Thanks, buddy. You want to feel me up? What are you doing? Yeah, what is that? Oh, there we go. Yeah. Wow, that feels all right. Dude, dip your face in it for a sec. Let's see what... Oh, yeah. Give me a mortarboard. Give me that one. Mortarboard? For your age, they feel great.
Look at that. Damn, Ari, look at that. I just passed out at a bar. No big deal. Oh, what? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I totally mind it. Oh, man. That brought me right back to my childhood. This is Mark's mom. I actually met her. It's nothing like that. Oh, no. She's dead. Lovely parents. The wedding was so great. I'm sure you talked about it. Oh, yeah. We did. I mean, that gas station, Ari. Oh!
The Stavro fucking Muriel Shafir disgust out. By the way, we're eating all this fried food in the hotel lobby and Ari just dips. He made us feel so fucking cheap. I didn't want you to dip before I dipped. Well, we were staying upstairs. I dip, you dip, we dip. But Ari just fucking finishes his hero and he just runs away. We're like, what the fuck? I felt like he just nutted on us and ran out.
I called an Uber six bites out. I was like, it'll be a ride at the right time. And then it was like, I won't finish. Bye. Was it any good? It was great. It was great, but it was disgusting. I mean, it was like great, disgusting. We were eating fried seafood, but if you're going to do that, do it in a New Orleans gas station. Yeah. Sam got the splitskis like a fucking boyfriend, girlfriend combo. That was hot. We looked at each other. We both knew it. Who would be the first to break the silence?
I want to know what guest. Because we couldn't decide. And then it is good when you can split with a friend. Sam, I'm going to throw something out to you and you're like, I'm already ahead of you. Yeah, yeah. Because we couldn't decide between fried oysters and soft-shell crab. And I was like, what if we split?
And then Stav is like literally calling the drink. He was calling us rookies. What did he order? He ordered the thing to get that wasn't on the menu. Fried catfish. And he was, were you on the flight back? He waited until 30. Should have ordered first. What? He got like a po' boy to go. He got like, on the flight back, he had just finished another po' boy. Liz from the cellar sees him covered in mayonnaise. What? You're disgusting. If that guy doesn't be careful, he's going to get fat.
I like to picture Stavros walking in and going, the guy's like, free catfish? I know you. I've heard. He's like, Norm, and cheers. The highlight was when I was fucking wrecked just saying, man, imagine eating this shit sober and Stav goes, I haven't had one drink. No.
He can hang. He can hang. What a fun hang. When you're sober, everybody's drunk, it's hard, but he doesn't budge. He doesn't flinch. Right. He's not worried about it at all. It sucks to be with a shaky, sober alcoholic. Yes. Those are no fun. Yes. And they're judging. You got to be able to spit wine in someone's face. Yeah. Yeah.
No, we definitely. That was a fun wedding. Yeah, it was a fun hang with you guys. That was mad fun. I mean, and that second night, too. I mean, shit. There's a great picture of Ari and Stav where Ari just looks fucking gone. That was my. That's a classic. That's the closer on my. Dude, May. So we get to the bar after the wedding. Look at it. Oh, yeah. We get to the bar after the wedding, whatever bar that was. Our bar. Yeah.
May and her friends. Lunchrooms. It was also very interesting because there's two separate ages of comedy at that wedding. Yeah, it's a bunch of headliners and a bunch of openers. Yeah, so it's like, oh, hey. I don't know. I know everybody or know some of them. Anyway, so May and her openers, they're like, Ari, Ari, come here, come here. And I'm, I mean, fucked up. And she goes, hey, we have these mushroom chocolate bars. Can you pass these out?
Oh, that's fun. I was like, okay. There it is. That was my closer on the reel. That looks like the cover of a buddy comedy. Yes. That's like the new Harold and Kumar, but Ari and Stav. Yeah, right. Ari and Stav go to Po'boy Central or something. It's two New Orleans detectives. We got Mardi Gras and boudin. Damn, that left eye is left. Oh, yeah.
Good times. Wait, what was I talking about here? I'm just so fucking fun. Oh, yeah. He really is. He's just the best. He's so good. He looks like a chef.
all right so what's she saying so she gives me this chocolate was four big chocolate bars oh yeah all right hand them out so i just find one guy i go to fucking class you're doing a line off his cock i'm literally like about to stop stuffing your head down i'm trying to stuff it down with him mainly making his 10 minute appearance yeah i know right what a diva handed one chocolate bar to one guy found somebody else like hey mushroom chocolate bar sure then to a third guy and then one of may's friends like oh no no break it up
I'm already on mushrooms. Why did you give me this responsibility? You're the shaman. I guess so, but fucking talk to me yesterday. You are kind of weirdly trustworthy with shit like that. I'm $19.20 times the perfect doser. Really? Yeah. The 20s was Bert? Yeah. And I will say, I got the right amount in him. I saw Bert then. I can vouch. He had a fucking ball.
yeah he was having a great time he was having a great time yeah he was fun i mean i didn't know he had dinner with his kids and had a flight at 6 a.m but he had a great time yeah or you're gonna serve you all the drinks with napkins on top that was enough you had a good domino of uh scandalous shit yeah yeah but you've cleaned it up it seems i'm all hanukkah i'm a jew jew i've rediscovered religion watch my special orish fair jew on youtube right now hell yeah but people don't
realize there's a dark side. You know, you're the fun guy. You're the go for it guy. You're the do-si guy. Do-si-do. I like these are the fun sides, yeah. But, there is the guilt where people go, what are you crazy? And you have to go, am I? And they go, are you a bad person? You go, am I? So it's like we say with Hemingway. Sure, he was a fist fighting, whiskey slurping, gun toting,
booze bag. But at the end he shot himself. But I'm sure he had some mornings where he's like, ah, I gotta clean it up. I get anxiety. I get hangover anxiety like a motherfucker. Dude, I did Sober October and I never felt less anxiety. Really? I was like, dude, I'm free. I thought it was the weed. I talked to Bert though and he was like, I feel nothing too. It might be the booze. Booze is bad. Booze is great. Who would have thought that alcohol is Bert's problem? That's crazy. That's...
I thought it was shirts. Who would have thought? No, I get hangover anxiety. I get it before I go to bed. Like, I definitely had a few too many last night because, you know, I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and it's Sunday. Thanksgiving weekend. What do you want from me? Going to bed before his flight? No way. I had a bunch of glasses of wine in the green room, and I'm like, you know, I'm fucking... And then I'm up late at night, like, fuck, I'm anxious. Yeah, I get that. How was your video? Hey, folks.
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Did you guys get party buses in high school? No. We did a couple. It was just a BJ fest. It was great. On the bus? On the bus. Girls didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do.
It's all seats, so you can't really... What should I do? You can't really dance. Also, we all have our dicks out. Should we have a conversation? Yeah, we should just suck everyone off, right? Yeah, you're on to things to talk about. Dude, we gotta get this party bus. Just us four in a towel sucking each other's dicks. Mark is right. Oh no, I got Salicus. Oh, fuck. It's just coming on each other's faces. Everyone's like, this is the worst episode of We Might Be Drunk Yet.
What were we supposed to do? Talk? Yeah. On a podcast? We blew each other. We sucked each other's dicks. Oh.
Oh, man. No, I'm actually, like, actually it was weirdly, I was excited in the cab from the airport to come here. Yeah? Because it's like- Oh, so you've just been on the road alone? Yes. No, I DNA hash him with me. Oh, okay. We saw movies. We had fun. But, you know, we, no, I'm coming from the airport. It's a connect flight. I'm tired. I knew booze would put me in a better mood. I knew seeing friends would put me in a better mood. It's like, you know. It is weird. You get excited. You always come back, go right to the comedy store and just like-
Rejuvenated. Yes. I'm at the cellar right after this. I might have to take my fucking luggage, but what are you going to do? Winner move. Oh, is that it?
That's your luggage. My luggage. Nice. Oh, I love people's luggage. You're a roll-back person. So you got to carry on with the side bag. Yeah. Nice. Laptop in the side bag. Oh, you got to have the laptop with you. Oh, yeah. Since the show has bottomed out, let me ask you. You guys got any new bits? Hold on. I'm doing my Toomey. Oh, I fucking love you, Salaguse. God damn it. Doing a Toomey review here. You got any new bits, bro?
Yeah, I got some bits. You guys got bits? I got a Jew bit I wrote for you guys. I'd like to run it by you. I think you're going to hate it. Oh, yeah. All right.
So, you know, with the anti-Semitism bubbling up, I've been... Thank you, my media. I've been talking to people... By the way, this is how Mark starts every conversation. So I've been talking to some people and one guy was like, oh, these Jews, come on, they're acting like babies. It's no big deal. They're acting like babies. And I was like, I don't know. I think it's, you know, whatever. But I do think, however, babies are acting like Jews. Yeah.
I was at a diner with a friend and he was Jewish or he's Jewish and there was a baby a table over and they were doing the same shit. You know, they both had little hats on. The baby spit up. My friend got indigestion and I could do eight examples. And then the bill came and they both started crying.
Jews don't cry when the bill comes up until then. It's funny. I think. Oh, well, it's a satire. I think it works. How about the bill came and they both pooped their pants and made an excuse to leave. I like that better. Really? Yeah. Okay. Okay. They both pooped their pants to try to get out of it. And make no mistake, these babies will replace us. I would say the babies both went to the bathroom and tried to get out of it. Oh,
Oh, that's good. That's what an adult would do. Okay. There we go. It's a hard time to get in that bathroom. That's a funny bit. They faked their... You already had me laughing when you said babies are like Jews. Because I defend the Jews and I do a reverse flip. No, it's funny. It's a good bit. All right, I'll try it. I like it. I had one that was tried last night that is new, but I think there's maybe more here about like sex robots, how everyone's going to have sex robots in the future. We're going on all these dates.
You go on the dates and then you're like, well, in the future, we won't go on dates because we'll just like, I mean, you get lazy when you jack off. Think about when you have a sex robot. Even poor people have sex robots in the future, right? You'll have the high-end ones. It's like Spotify Premium. Then you'll have the shitty ones. That's like you get an ad every once in a while. You're fucking it. You're fucking a sex robot and like right as you're going to come, it's going to be like liberty, liberty, liberty. Yeah.
Me undies are coming off. There's something there. Yeah, that's funny. The ads during sex is great. Ads during sex. Yeah, you should get a Casper. Your bed sucks. You call this a bed? Yeah. All right. Early ad for, I think, Sotva matches is one of those places.
Segura got it for everybody. He was like, hey, they're giving money out for ads, doing ad read. And I did one and it was all about how fucking Christina straps a strap-on on and fucks Tom in the ass and fucks him, makes him bleed and just he's crying but his knees are very soft on the sofa mattress. And I mean, they loved it. Everybody loved it. Safa was like, no.
No. Absolutely not. Take that down. Who was that who said we need an ad but we can use anybody but Ari? Did you hear about that? Yeah.
Who was that? Chuck told me. Who was it? Blue Chew. Blue Chew was like, hey, we need an ad done. I'm going to go ahead and say this. Shame on Blue Chew for having an ego. You're dick pills. They came around, though. They came around. They said, hey, do you want to do a sponsor's post? I'm like, wait, what? I was the name you couldn't use. But why you? I mean, they didn't say Harvey Weinstein. They said Ari Shaffir. I did an ad for them. I don't think they're doing ads with Harvey either. Well, he could be.
good user I did an ad for my skeptic thing it was about dogs me and Adrian and I was like for blue chews like let's say you want to fuck your dog but you're not sexually attracted to him don't know where you can get there by using a blue chew the only way to connect you're not attracted you're not a fucking pedophile here's the thing though you are still endorsing that their product works that's what I was saying
I'm just saying, if you want a good ad, he's going to get you there. Good point. And then they were like, no. And I was like, all right, we're done. All right. All right. So what's the bit? How about this? I've only done it a couple of times, but I don't know if it'll work yet. Pill. Pill.
You know how you say your friends keep you in check, you're all corrected, but I don't think that's true. Your friends rarely ever give you real advice and say like, hey, what are you doing? That girl sucks for you or whatever. It's a pill that turns you temporarily autistic and allows you to have no shame and say whatever you want to anybody. I think I'm taking it. You got to take the antidote. Wait a minute. Why? Why would you want to do that? Your breath smells. I don't like it.
Oh, and they go, what the hell, man? You go, oh, I took the pill. Oh, right back. I'm sorry. I'm on something. Yeah. You can do it better. By the way, they have that already. We're drinking it. It's cold. You can pause and be like, actually, you know what? I just invented alcohol. By the way, I'll do another if we're still rocking. I don't know. I just got to top off. Retardol. Retardol? I don't know. I need some names. I need some names. All right. All right.
A pill that makes you autistic. Temporarily. It's almost like a truth serum. Yeah. Truth. That's, I think. Have no shame. Suddenly, you're just like, do whatever you want to do. Don't feel bad about anything. Interesting. And you can hit three pointers. Because autistic kids fucking nail those threes. You can also do your taxes. Just knock it out. Because you're autistic.
That's not bad. All right. All right. What about peeves? Do we have peeves? Anyone? Oh, I forgot about peeves. Shit, I just had a peeve in my head from last night. I got one. All right. And just notice this. Just come back. I was in Mexico City for Thanksgiving. Mexico and Mexico City. Man, you get around. Do get around. Notice this.
You love Mexico City? Great town, right? I've never been to Mexico. Really? I should go. Roma Norte? Yeah, Roma. North Rome. Soon as we land... I'm listening. I fucking love you, Norman. What the fuck? I know a little Spanish. What the fuck? As soon as we land, we haven't even got to the gate yet. They start standing up, opening up the fucking...
What's it called? Overheads. Yeah. And they're like, guys, sit down. We're not at the gate. We're not even like there, but not docked. We're not even there. We're still moving. Yeah. They sit down and they immediately start standing back up. Like, guys, stop. We're not there yet.
Notice the same shit. Thank you. Going to Dominican Republic. I asked Jesus Trejo about it. He said it's a Latino thing. Those Latinos don't trust their stuff with white people. What? So they want to get it immediately. What are we going to do? I don't know. All right. It's a weird stereotype about whites, I guess. Interesting. Damn.
Yeah. So that's the peeve? That peeve. Sit down. It's a peeve. Sit down. A bunch of people, a bunch of honkies tried to move to Mexico City during the pandemic. And there were so many of them that they gave Whitey a 10-day allowance. What do you mean? Like, you can't live here. You can come here for 10 days and visit and do the bullshit, but you can't live here. Who were they sad about? They said they're going to build a wall and they're going to make us pay for it. Oh, wow. Crazy. They're not happy about the Americans coming. No. There's a lot of Americans in Mexico City now, in Roma and in La Condesa. And they're like, what? They're driving up home prices. Yeah. Yeah.
Back up to fucking normal prices. So I'm fucked because the lady, I was complimenting her on the wedding. I was like, you did a great job on the wedding. And she was like, yeah, maybe I get a knack for event planning. And I was like, yeah, plan some events. But she's never done it? No. And so she goes, maybe for your 40th, I'll have a big party. And I was like, no, I don't want to party. I hate a party. I don't want to be in the center of the party. You already married Joe List. I know. I'm like, I don't want to party. So I said, I want to go to Mexico City. I've never been. She goes, all right, we'll do that.
Do a party there? No, just go. I just want to go there. I'd rather go somewhere than have a party for myself. What do you use Chick for? Huh? What's she add? Well, she'll plan it. Kayak will plan it. That's true. Well, I'm married to the woman. I should bring her. Oh, May. Yes. Oh, I thought you meant the event planner. No. May. May did most of the wedding. I was like, damn, Ari's kind of callous. I was like, let's see where this goes. I was like, what's going on here?
No, it's a... Yeah, man, I got to do a vacation again at some point. I don't do that shit. I got to really... You need a girlfriend. I know. I went on one alone. I do. I went there for one night and I texted my friend Chase. I was like, get the fuck up here. And he came. Go with a buddy. Go somewhere with a buddy. We did it together. It was actually really fun. We had a great time, dude. We go with a friend. It's kind of fun. It helps. I think I'm going to make a group trip to Iceland this summer. Whoa. Iceland's beautiful.
Is that what you've heard? Yeah, I've heard it's fucking incredible, especially in the summer. I heard it's weak. I heard everybody kills themselves. Those Nordic areas? No, that's Syracuse, New York. Ah, got it. Same weather. But there's a lot of suicide up there because there's no sun. In the winter. Yeah. But the summer's supposed to be beautiful. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's great. And a cheap flight, I hear. You can do stopovers on the way to whatever. Free stopover for as long as you want.
on Icelandic air. If you want to England or Glasgow, whatever, you can just lay over in Iceland and stay here for five, six days in your layover. What? No extra cost. Wow. Air. Have you been there? Yeah, three times. You're fucking traveling. Man. Your passport must be just covered in stamps. You got a new country and what? You have to sew in extra pages? No, but I'd love to. I want to make a wallpaper out of all the stamps.
Oh, that's good. Yeah. When's it come out? Hanukkah? Guess where I'll be, right? Guess where I am right now. Where? Guatemala. Damn, dude. Never ends. Leaving my phone at home, leaving my computer at home. I'm just going to fucking bring my credit card. Mark and I are not like you. It's interesting. Like, we're so...
and not that way. Take some buses. You are like the rambling man of comedy. I just picture you without a shirt on just like walking through a desert. That's like Lawrence of Arabia or some shit. Walking stick, get your shirt around your head, tie it up. I just picture Ari like Moses. Ari's the most biblical comedian. Yeah, he's like the Israeli Jew. You're the American domesticated Jew.
Right. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere, Jew. It might be cold there. I don't want to go. Yeah. Are you going? I'm on the road every week. Yeah. Yeah. That's a different road. I like it. I like it, though. I do like it. Fort Wayne is tough. What about a European tour? I would do that. You should. I'm going now. You already planned? No, but I'm thinking about it. Who are you with?
My agent? Do we have to talk about this on air? This is like an off-air conversation, I think. But you know what? I'm with William Morris. Okay. They have a UK department. Yeah. Yeah. I'm planning mine for April, May. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. He's going with your girl. Yeah.
Who's April? April, Macy, and May. Good for you. Yeah, Europe's so fun. You did it with Burr, but you've never done your own thing. I did London. You should do it. And that was awesome. I'm trying to... I slossed for recommendations. It goes, go to Estonia, go to Slovenia. Wow. A couple off the radar things. Estonia's like the weak country in NATO. That's like the one we're kind of babysitting. Oh, really? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, something like that. We're like, eh, we have them for fucking namesake. Yeah.
It's another name. Just toss them on. Good name for a weed pipe. Bastonia. But yeah, Bastonia, Belarus. Louie says Poland. We have jumped the shark on this episode. Dr. Pepper, whatever the fuck we're drinking is so good. These are for sure good.
No, I mean, I'm fucking, I've got a nice little buzz on right now. Oh, yeah. Estonia, by the way, fastest internet connection besides South Korea in the world. Look at old slur factory over here. Why is that? That's all they got.
Well, I'm just saying, anytime you go to a shit place, they tell you what they have. When I went to Fort Wayne, they're like, you know, we invented the sewing machine. I'm like, that's it? I just got off the plane. How about a nice restaurant? What's a good bar? Sewing machine. Guess what? They make clothes fucking everywhere. I know. I know. Also, they were bragging to me. They have the big microphone thing. They have a big microphone company in Fort Wayne. I'm like, the mic went out on me. Three straight shows.
It's hilarious. I have two long stories in my set. Every time it went out, it was in the middle of a long story. Wow. Building the fucking momentum. Wow. And I was like, you guys fucking kidding me? And it wasn't the club's fault. It was this goddamn camera guy.
who was trying to connect the thing and he was like, I got you. And I was like, you don't connect to the fucking thing again. And he was like, I won't. And I was like, you did. You fucking did. Well, you got Arthur running the camera over here. That was a lush. I am so sorry. I didn't have much to drink.
You're a prostitute. I thought I was just doing very well with you. That's pretty good. That's a damn good new author. I've seen that movie so many fucking times. Well, we lived it. If you haven't seen that movie, that's a fucking old timer. You're talking about the Russell Brand version. No. No, no. Yeah, who wanted to redo that movie? I know, right? It was a nasty redone.
It's like when I heard they were going to redo Back to School. I'm like, dude, who's popping Rodney? Who's doing Rodney? The other guy, the son? Anybody could do that. Well, yeah. He was young Downey Jr. though in that time. That was pretty fun. Downey Jr. in it. He's the son's friend, the weird artsy friend. And then you got Burt Young. I loved Downey Jr. before he burned out. Oh.
Oh, yeah. That's pretty good, right? Less than zero. Yeah, less than zero is good. Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring us one every ten, all right? All right. Sam's got two impressions and you saw both. You're all right. You're all right. I got this album. There you go. And this one.
Oh, play this. This is classic. Classic. Oh, nice pop-up, Salicus. You know what? You're watching it all. Oh, my God. Hey, sexy. What is this, college? You're a bad boy, Matt. Oh, man. Oh, my God. She seems as good. Good girth on that guy. That guy's girth was off the charts. Solid girth. She wasn't seeming happy about it. Yeah. Yeah, she looked in a mood, huh? Yeah, yeah. No. I can't find this clip.
You just don't want us to see what else is going on. I know. Jesus Christ. These do get you after a little bit. Oh, yeah. We're drinking hard whiskey, brother. They catch up on you. Oh, here we are. This is one of the great soundtracks, too. In Jerry's Dad. Oh, yeah. It's Jerry Stiller. No, no, no. Jerry Seinfeld's dad. Really? Yeah, the guy who plays Jerry's dad in Seinfeld. It's not Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, I see. I see.
All right. Well, great movie, folks. Check it out. 1981. Check out Arthur. That's a fucking old timer. Some old New York shots, too. Oh, Liza Minnelli is fucking great in that movie. That's a classic. I didn't realize Scorsese was married to her until recently. Yeah. No way. Really? Yeah, I didn't know that. You know, they used to play Liza Minnelli version of New York, New York.
when the Yankees lost and Sinatra's version when they won. What? And now it's just always Sinatra. She heard and complained. What? Yeah. That's fair. What? It's sort of fair. You don't want to be associated with losing. I guess, but then just don't play the song when you lose. Just don't play the song. They got to walk out to something. They got to leave to something. Do something else.
Play fucking Jay-Z. I don't know, man, but you can't play the same song for a win or a loss. There's nothing to it. There's something magical about walking out of Yankee Stadium. You can't do it to New York, New York, though. That is the...
I think they should play a win or loss. They should play Sinatra. That makes sense to me. I watched New York, New York recently. It's like 1977. Yeah. And the whole movie is like De Niro and Minnelli. She wants to be a singer and he wants to just, you know, be a writer. It's basically La La Land. Ah. And he's like, I want to stay true to being a jazz musician. And the whole time he's like composing New York, New York, the song.
And I'm like watching him compose it and watching her like write the lyrics. I'm like, this is so trite. I know it's going to happen. The song's going to be great. The truth is that song wasn't a song before that movie. Oh, really? Yeah. They wrote it. They wrote it for that movie. That's amazing. I didn't know that. And it became a hit in 1980 when Sinatra sang it later. Wow.
Well, wait. It's the same song, though. Yeah, same song. How bad is hers that they play it on the losing? Well, imagine Sinatra's version sung by Lazio Minnelli. She can sing. Fuck her. I mean, she's famous, right, for singing. For singing, yeah. Yeah, no, she's good. Hey, we just brought in some gay fans with Mateo and Fortune Femes. Don't push them all away. They're right now. They're like, what the fuck?
fuck. Fuck has a chance. We're getting everybody. We've got Jewish fans now. This is good. Godfrey brought in a black guy. Now, fuck you. Oh yeah, sorry. Piece of shit. Well, they heard your prayer. They checked out. I tried. That was their part.
Guys, in this silence, don't forget to watch Ari Shaffir on YouTube right now. Almost, probably, over 5 million views right now. Yeah, even if you're anti-Semitic, just put it on and let it play. Get it to 6 million so we can remind everyone of the fucking greatest story in Jewish history. Well, hopefully, because when yours ends, it rolls over to mine and vice versa. Hopefully, you'll get in the mix. I think I'd go to Shane's. Oh, all right. Well, there you go. Even better. Mine goes right to... But yeah, there'll be a mix of YouTube comics. Good cycle. Isn't that nice? Yeah.
Ah, this one they should play when the Yankees lose. This is a bummer. Yikes. You start to get the anti-Semitism. Some guy walking out and he goes, you call that a fucking swing stanton? I just see some kid lighting these candles. Ah, God.
I'm picturing the lady in Schindler's List, the girl. Goodbye, Jews. Goodbye, Jews. That's a great Louis joke. That's a great Louis joke. Great joke. How did we miss that one? Bye, Jews. Bye, Jews. Try it again. Okay, hold on. Man, Spielberg. Here's another wreck. Spielberg on NPR Fresh Air talking about his new movie. Oh.
Yes. He does a rare interview. He doesn't do a lot of interviews, Spielberg. He's just talking movies. And you're like, man, his life is so fucking interesting. He's like, I mean, he's American royalty. Oh, yeah. Like, you think of the movies he's made. Like, Jaws is fucking. You know nothing about him. Exactly. And Jaws is fucking. We're talking about, like, blockbusters. Like, think about what blockbusters are now. Avatar is fucking trash. Jaws is a great movie. And Avatar was 18 years ago. 15 years ago. Yeah. But they're making a second. And they spent $2 billion on it. $2 billion. $2 billion.
But Jaws. What's his peak? Spielberg? Yeah, what's the one that's like, this is your Hall of Fame class? Schindler's List. Jaws is up there, though. Saving Private. Jaws is up there. E.T., I feel like, was the blockbuster. Maybe it's because I was a kid. Well, Jaws was the first summer blockbuster, and it's his first movie. Isn't that insane? No, really? Well, dude, he came up with Lucas, and they were like, it was like Star Wars and Jaws. Oh, is that true? Yeah.
And then Indiana. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, Indiana Jones. Well, that's where they came together. Right, right. That's when they met. That's like a young Sagalow on my cannon. I would say Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the coolest fucking movies. They were trying to make the shittiest action movie they could make, and they ended up with Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah, they were just like, okay, what is the basis, the lowest thing that we can write?
And they ended up with Raiders. It's a great fucking movie. It's great. College professor turns, you know, archaeologist. And the fucking score. It shows how far a score will take you. Yes. Like Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Like, you hear those songs forever. John Williams. Iconic. Iconic. Yeah. It's important.
Yeah, yeah. He's a ball. Don't forget. He's one cool motherfucker. Never mind. I was going to say Back to the Future. That's not Spielberg. That's not Harrison Ford either. No, that's Zemeckis. Zemeckis. Also great. He did that and fucking Retardo, Forrest Gump.
Yeah. Benjamin Buttons, which is exactly like. No, that was David Fincher. Yeah. What? Yeah, bro. Come at me, bro. Oh, same writer. Sorry, same writer. All right. Good save, Wario. Nice try, bro. All right. We went into movie land there. We're nerds. Yeah. We love movies.
I drank this episode in the last seven episodes. This is a good fucking app, though. We're rolling, man. I do like hanging out with you guys. Yeah, this is great. I can tell I'm getting drunker because I keep eyeballing that butane fuel. Like, what? Play with that thing and light this whole thing up. Dude, the best was at your wedding. So they had the... Woo! Woo!
Just explodes. Don't do this indoors. We had the sparklers. They had everybody line up and then Mark goes through it, you know, like a fucking hora. Hora. Easy. She's my wife. We're lighting up. But there's some drunks there. Oh, yeah. And we're waiting. We all dip it in fucking alcohol. And then we're just waiting. And this girl's like this, like, whatever. They're like, all right, light your things. And she's like, all right. She's trying to hold it. She keeps trying to, like, hit people with it. She's like...
You can barely hold it right waiting for you guys to come out. People are like, watch this. He goes, I am watching it. Oh, jeez. Oh, my God. Damn, I didn't know that. I definitely got cornered by a few of Mark's drunken childhood friends at the end of the night. I was like, holy shit, if I got married, my friends would be cornering Mark. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? I saw the photos, and you can see them. They're like... And you're like...
Where's Stavros? That was just Jason Cantor. Well, yeah, my childhood friends, they literally... I was at the altar, and I look at my phone, because I got there a little early, and one guy goes...
Don't get married yet. I'm in an Uber. And I'm like, that's a classic text from a childhood friend right there. Don't get married yet. I'm in an Uber. That is a great picture. Stav just stuffing Ari's face. We're such fucking degenerates. Such degenerates. And by the way, that cock tasted great. Greek. Yeah, it tastes like tzatziki. Wow. I have no memory of this at all. No memory.
Boy, that might have been the ugliest group at the wedding right there. Jesus Christ, what a lineup. Whoa, Big J had the best line. Big J, he goes, man, I heard you got married at Joe List concert. Oh.
Damn, that's hilarious. Joe fucking ruled on the fucking mic. That was so good. Sober guy. Killing it. And he's like, I don't know what to do. Just right in. By the way, Sally, we paid a douche to take photos, which I regret. I still haven't gotten his. He's like, I'm editing. He's not topping what you did, man. Pull up some more of those pictures. They're fucking incredible, man. What the hell? Oh, that's a great one. Oh, wow. That's our bar. Oh.
Oh, we brought those cigars. They were great. Who's that chick? That's not fun. There's her dad. Hey, that's a classic. That is a great pic. Is that the walk around the block? Second line. You can see the horse manure right there. Oh, we got some liver spots coming in. Hello. Where did that come from? Well, a leopard. Wow, that's your John Goodman Lebowski sunglasses. Yeah. No, Donnie.
Will Silvins is Donnie. Wow, that's a great one. That's great. I love that one. Insane outfits. That's a picture to post when Joe List dies. We were friends. I think he might outlast us based on the path we're all on. Well, he has McDonald's three times a day.
Yeah, he told me. He actually texted me recently. He was like, yeah, I went to the doctor and some of my health is not good. I was like, gee, it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you eat chicken parm three times a fucking day. And two cigars. Yeah. And a Diet Coke. You think a fucking one green tea a day is saving you from all the fucking degenerate shit you're putting in your body? That's a good point. Oh. Soda. That's a great action shot. I wonder what's going on there. Yeah. Ian Sodes. He's calling you Jew and you're saying, that's the name of my special. I have the beard.
Good times. What a fucking fun town to do this in. Now, aren't you glad? Imagine if you saw these photos and you weren't there. No offense, everybody else in the room. But you'd be like, ah, come on. We missed it. Oh, that's a divorce coming right there. Get out of that one. The caption of that picture, I'm sorry I left the baby in the car. I thought I rolled the window down. Woo.
That background is so good. That wallpaper. Peters, are we going to show these pictures during the pod? Can you? Yeah, why not? Yeah, they're on the ground. Oh, that's a good one. Let's see it. Pull that one. What is that? Oh, look, it's a fun one. I love the velvet jacket, Mark. Oh, thank you. That was my after ceremony jacket. My feet were killing me. I got Band-Aids on my feet. Tarantino's going to love that one. That's how we book Quentin. Mark's feet. Yeah.
Oh, badass. That's a Bodega Cat photo. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm banged up right there. Yeah. Oh, there's Stavi. I took a similar one. Yeah, Stavi. It was hard to find a pic without Stav holding cake. Yeah. That's my childhood friend. That's one of them. Yeah, he was fun. I was talking to him for a minute. He's a good egg. I liked him.
All right. Is this bad pod? Hey, Doug Key. This is visual stuff. All right. We're sorry, guys. We've been drinking. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash we might be drunk. Ari Shafir. Or is it we might be drunk pod? It's what? We might be drunk pod. Was we might be drunk taken?
Yeah, my dad had it. I love your dad. Wow, you're the one. He's so quiet. Well, there was one moment where... I do declare. Stop, and I were doing that the whole weekend. I do declare. Just taking dollar bills. I do declare. Sir, you have insulted me.
If any fine woman would like to suck our pecker, we are strapped full of cash. I guarantee I will come quickly. My dad, he was talking to me at one point, and I'm talking to him back. He won't respond. You were there. I think you had checked out. Very quiet. And List is across from me, and List is getting all uncomfortable. And my dad walks away, and List goes, I've never felt closer to you. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, your dad is more awkward than my dad. And I was like, all right. I'm glad you got to see it.
So that was a nice moment. Damn. Couldn't get a word out of him. Then he roasted the shit out of me on the speech. Oh, yeah. He got you good. Oh, yeah. Oh, fucking bed wetter over here. Hey, Mark, remember when you pissed your fucking bed for years? Yeah. Pretty much. That was a speech. That was about it. Well, good luck getting married now.
I know. He's like, I've been sitting on all this. He's giving you shit for being too old to do it. I'm hearing that. I'm like, I guess the clock's ticking for me, too, then. I'm nowhere close. It's so funny. He's like, you know, he's 30. How old are you? 39. He's like, he's 39. I'm like, that's not old in my world. I don't know who you're talking to. Both of you live, damn it. Live. Live. I'm living through you at this point. This is the Billy Madison screen where you grab your cheeks. Yes, yes. Stay here as long as you can. Yes.
Dude, every time I go to the beach with my high school friends, we go to Dewey Beach all the time. They're like, you're going to fuck this weekend? I'm like, no, I'm hanging out with you guys. We should fuck some slut. I'm like, guys, calm down. Do you bring your lady to Guatemala or you just go? I go. I just hang out by myself. You don't bring your lady? I hang out by myself. Wow. I didn't see the world. You don't want to bring your lady? I feel like that's the point of being in a relationship. Mexico City. Some on, some off. This is exploration. I love it. How does she respond to that?
I don't know. I turned my phone on silent. She knows what she signed up for. She knows what she signed up for. In the words of Bert, Ari's good for small doses. I've been sitting on that for about a week and a half. Oh, boy. Mark, thanks for pulling us out of a 10-minute lull. We're literally commenting on photos for 10 minutes. Mark's like, I got one locked and loaded. Just call me Sully. That joke just knocked out the shamish. I don't know what that is. Is that shamish? It's a middle candle. Oh!
That juke flew higher than Kobe, I'll tell you that much. I'm just trying to work with what we have here, folks. We should have brought some Kobe beef. All right. All right. Mamba. The black mamba, yeah. You could have gone after his kids. You didn't.
That was nice. All right, let's not paint him a hero, you fucking idiot. He's a good guy. Fucking idiot, come on. I'm not saying the kids. I'm just saying he could have. Let's not get carried away here either. It's not like he's bringing dates up. I guess we're getting clapped off here. Oh, no, we lost a tit. We lost a tit. What do you have, cancer? No, dude, those tits are fucking important. I'm not going to
I'm not going to be able to get them. We need the tits. Come on. Use those arms. All tits matter. Come on. Yeah. Tit for tat. I got the tits. Yeah.
All right, plug some dates coming up, man. This is a Bob Nelson gig right here. Pittsburgh in January, Salt Lake in January, Tampa, February, Denver. I'm doing a greatest hit show. I've never done this before. What does that mean? My best hits from over the years. That's fun. Oh, wow. I don't remember mine. Yeah, I got to look them up. I got to really prepare. You listen to albums. Vancouver in February, show just added. San Jose, I got Seattle, which just went on sale. And the Beacon Theater in New York City, the biggest show I've ever done. Wow.
Whoa! March 24th. Get tickets at arieshafair.com. That's big, baby. It's going to be fucking awesome, man. You're going to compete with Seinfeld. Is he there March 25th and 3rd? He's way back at the beacon. I don't think my audience is... We got Spokane, OKC, and then all theaters from here on out building up. So New Orleans, Austin, Tulsa, Dallas, St. Louis, Vegas, Vancouver added a show there, Seattle, Portland added a show. The Vogue.
So you're not, you're doing it a month before me. Oh, you're not doing the, uh, sold out. Nice bro. We'll keep going. Go down. I just did that one. It's a killer theater. We got fucking, uh, Salt Lake City. Hopefully I get into that NBA all-star weekend. We'll see what happens. Uh, AC, Royal Oak, Michigan, Minneapolis. We're adding there. I think we did already. I don't know. Madison, fucking Milwaukee. What are you going to be in New Haven, Connecticut? New Haven. I don't know. March 9th. Oh, I'm doing that this weekend. Boston. We got a couple there. We'll add another in a second. So fucking finish that one off. Uh,
Miami, Orlando. We're almost done here. You got this Atlanta, Charleston, fucking Durham, Charlottesville. That's going slow. You're big. You're not Norfolk big. No, I'm not. I'm fucking not, bro. Norfolk, D.C.,
And Wilkes-Barre PA along with Port Chester. See you on the road. SamRoyal.com slash shows. Let's go. Hell yeah. You're doing like the country run. Damn. Virginia and North Carolina. Tour bus, baby. We're doing a tour bus? We're doing a fucking bus, bro. I'm thinking of doing that next year. It's going to be fun. Who are you going to go with? I'll blow you. Me, Vitor, James Webb. We're directing my special and fucking, we got a tour manager, Brian. Hell yeah. What's James Webb doing? Videographing or opening? No.
No, video. Great. Good video on that bus. You and Vitor playing video games. Who gets the big room? I think I'm just going to do two lounges and bunks. Yeah. You're going to take a bunk too. We'll do a quiet lounge in the back and a loud lounge in the front if people want just some space. I like it. Because I don't need that. I don't think you sleep in that bed for real. I don't think anyone actually sleeps in that bed. Nah, no one does. I think everyone sleeps overnight though.
But let everyone sleep in the same situation. I think we sleep in the bunks. I think we kind of all do. Bunks are probably better anyway. Is it quiet though? Oh yeah. The bunks is quiet? Bunks is quiet. They lull you. But doesn't that open into the main room? There's no door. No, no, no. We get the
back lounge where we can just kind of chill and be I'm like that one will be if you want to get away from the hang right in the front one will be if you want to hang videos we'll put on like you know a good movie maybe a fucking game or something play some ps5 wait wait scroll up shit you missed it back
But yeah, we did the... You can see that's the Veeder door down in the bottom middle there. The doggy door? Yeah, the doggy door. Come and go as he pleases. You can't poop on the bus, but he has a little litter box. Veeder does represent the Lollipop Guild. Lollipop Guild. Mark, where are you going to be, man? Yeah, Mark, tell me about your dates. I have not updated my website, but I got it up here. When is Hanukkah again?
December 20th. Start January 12th. Oh, no, no, no. Hanukkah does not start in January, dude. Oh. 17th. 17th. Oh, okay, okay. Maybe this is over. Cops might be over. Then I'm at Zany's Comedy Club. The Blue Note in Hawaii. Done it. It's great. Really? Yeah. In Honolulu? Hold on, hold on. Now, hold on. How are you going for? How long are you going for? Uh.
Well, I was going to go for four nights. No. I got a place in Kauai. You got to stay. Kauai? Yeah. Yeah. A letter? I'll hook you up later. I was waiting for that. I was going to jump on that. I'll hook you up later. You can add a show to pay for it if you want, but I got a spot for you. Yeah, let's go. Then doing Miami Improv again. I'm doing a bunch of clubs. No, I like the Miami Improv. It's good, dude. Miami Improv is great. Miami is great. Gross.
I mean, I was just in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Good people. No, no. It'll be a good show. Good people. Miami is a good hang. We get some good Cuban food. Oh, yeah. Go to the beach. I don't hate Miami. South Beach is cool. I hate Miami. I'm going there a day early for my tour because the Knicks are playing the fucking heat in Miami the night before my tour starts in Miami, motherfucker. That's great. Me and little Gary are going to be fucking behind the bench giving middle fingers to Jimmy Butler. Yeah.
Not really, because Jimmy Butler's scary. And I respect him too much. Slightly behind your own finger, just like, you know what's bad here. I'm friends with Duncan Robinson, but I'm scared to ask for tickets because I'm going to be rolling in a fucking Knicks jersey. You can't do it. I can't do it. When you ever get those, like, the fucking, you know, producers or whatever, like, agent tickets for the Knicks or the Rangers, they're like, come, you cannot wear the opposing. And I'm like, well, I'm not a fan of the Rangers or the fucking Knicks. What am I going to do? Yeah, I am. Yeah, you are.
Go Pals! The Knicks have been quite a... Pelicans. Yeah. The Knicks have had quite a roster of celebs at the front lines. You notice that? Gaffigan came out. I saw that. What do you mean front lines? Well, no, what do you call it? Courtside. Courtside. He calls front lines... It's not war, Mark. It's a good thing. Ha ha ha!
Did you see who was in the trenches of the garden last night? You mean third row? You see the foxhole seats. That's what I call the box. By the way, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Yes! I met the guy in Austin. He's a great guy. He gave me a fucking bottle. I met him. He's a great guy. He handed me a bottle for someone else. We love him. We love Chris. Good egg. I'd like to add, fuck him. There you go. Yeah, you know what? Fart that guy. He changed my mind. Did he come to the wedding?
No, I invited him the day before. Last minute. Yeah, I told him to invite him the day before and Mark was like, I'm on it. And I was like, probably doesn't work the day before. Yeah, but it was still like you remember, you're like, oh shit, yeah, he's close. I bet he'd come. There you go. We tried. All of Mark's invites were fucking Evites. That's right. He did it well.
I don't know. I didn't do any of it. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. Watch Ari Shafir's special Jew on YouTube right now. He's a good friend. Damn. We're proud of him. We're happy he came in today. Salamanca, Akoy, Peters, Beer Jew. Beer Jew, what do you got to promote here, brother? Good cocktail. Beer Jew, all I got to promote is that I'm here in December at, say, Les Sill. I see.
You've been drinking these, bro. Not at all. What are you talking about? I have no idea what you're talking about. I love a slurry drunk because you can tell, like, I know what level you're at. And then after that, if anyone is in Malaysia, Indonesia, hit me up. That's where I'll be traveling. Where are you going? Malaysia. I got some spot in there.
Damn. Your juice got sassy on you. Oh, yeah. Silver tongue. Right in my face. And then a little bit of Vietnam and then South Korea and Japan. How long are you going for? I have a one-way ticket to Kuala Lumpur and then work from there. Nice. Shouldn't this be a gingerbread temple? Come on. It should be. Jewish in the front. Oh, is it? Yeah. What does that mean? It's circumcised? Yeah, that's what I call my haircut, too.
All right, all right. Well, this has been a great episode. We love when Ari comes by. Classic, as always. Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk, and thanks for listening, guys. Get a glass and free Palestine. Free Palestine. Day three's about to go out. All right. Day three's out. We're the Knights of Hanukkah. Never long ago, when our family got to.
*Music*
Bobby burned the latkes every Hanukkah Forgot them in the frying pan each year While we were having fun playing dreidel Smoker lines were wailing everywhere Firemen were breaking all the windows Sadie closed his eyes, began to pray Those latkes had no luck Our mouth been down and stuck But Bobby made us eat them anyway Those were nights of Hanukkah I remember long ago
We got together, little eyes aglow. Flirt candles burning, as the joyous songs were sung. How I loved our lives when we were all so young. Uncle Jake bought donuts by the dozen. He warned us that it'd burn for cake. But Uncle Jaime ate while singing. And that was Uncle Jaime's big mistake. Our parents stood there beaming as they called us. And handed us the presents one by one.
Those were the nights of
I remember long ago when we got together in a light of love. We called every boy a songbird song. Now I miss the nights when we were all so young. I miss the nights full of fun. I can still hear it so much. I'm so exhilarated. For Bob is Bob is still.
Those were the nights of Hanukkah, remember long ago, when our family got to go glow. Multicolored as the joyous songs were sung, how I miss the menorah lost so young. Those were the nights of Hanukkah, spent with family and filled with dreams and laughter. That we thought were never, it's what Bobby would have done.
We wish a happy Hanukkah to everyone!
