Ep 106: Natasha Leggero
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Yo! Hey, hey! We're here. We might be drunk. Welcome. How are you? We got Natasha Leggero here, one of our favorites. Good to have you. Very happy to have you. Thank you guys for having me. Thanks for coming in from L.A. Yeah, uh...

Man, it's really hard to get around here. It's a nightmare. Are you one of those LA people that hates coming? I lived here and it's just bringing back memories of just pounding the pavement crying. I feel like that was me for like five years in New York. That's most of it in the beginning. And then I sat at a sad sandwich shop and just ate an egg salad sandwich because it was like snow raining. And you guys were like right across the street. So, you know, I was like waiting for an hour. Is it raining?

It's like snow rain. Oh, I thought that was part of the sad New York story. That was just mad? Holy shit. That's what I'm saying. It was like bringing back memories. And then I was like, this happens to me too now. Like I sat down. Because you don't sit down by yourself in public in L.A., you know? And I sit down and then this like old man was sitting at this like communal table across from me. It was Al Franken? No, it wasn't Al Franken. But the guy did smile at me. This is starting to happen to me where I'm like...

Do you think that this would ever happen? Like men in their 60s. I don't know what kind of vibe I'm giving off. Well, you probably thought you were a Disney princess, I think, with the outfit, maybe. I don't know. But yeah, you know. Thank you, Mark. No, but you look great. Fashion comes naturally to you. Yeah. I got an 11-year-old skateboarder. Come on.

This is like every male comic. I know. Sam's wearing like a nice adult shirt over it. He's got a nice jacket going. Yeah. I had to bring one. Natasha. I should have brought it. I was on a date last week when Natasha texted me to come on. And literally 10 minutes before she texted me, this girl goes, you know who my favorite comedian is? No. Natasha Leggero. Stop.

Oh, come on. She said Michelle Wolf. You must have gotten some action after like showing her the text. Not as much as I should have for showing that text. I feel like that should have gotten me more. He just got pegged. Yeah. That was it. Fuck me in the butt.

That was after I showed her, yeah. I opened for you a year. Do you remember that at Caroline's? You know, people say this to me and I really have a bad memory, Mark. I was not a member. I was a new comic. Was I nice to you at least? You were so nice and Todd Berry was a dick and you stood up for me and I never forgot it and I appreciate it. Wait, Todd was a dick to you?

Well, look, I was so green and annoying. You're doing the guest spot, Mark. Yeah. Still running the lay. Todd was running a letterman. This is how long ago this was. Todd was running a letterman. So you were like, yeah, sure, come do five. I'm at Caroline's. And I was hosting, and I was excited and annoying. And you guys went out after. And I was like, oh, where are we going? And Todd's like, not you. He said that? Something like that. I mean, he was half joking but half Todd-ing. And-

And you were like, no, no, don't worry. You can come. And you said it like off to the side when he couldn't hear you. You're like, you come, you come. And the whole time I was like, I didn't say a word because you guys were talking. Did you come? I weirdly showed up and just hung out to the side. And we went to some hotel bar and you guys talked about show business. That is brave, Mark. If someone told me to not come, I like that. Well, it was probably a bad idea. Actually, usually when a woman tells me not to come, I come instantly.

So did I. Yeah, I still came. Well, I'm glad that we hung out with you, and I'm sorry that you came to the side. It was fun. I mean, you know when you're so new and so green, you're just like watching people who are successful was thrilling. And now you're so successful. Wow.

But he still dresses like this. And Todd's still a dick to me. I saw him last night. Oh, good. Tell him I said hi. I mean, Todd is so funny, though. We love Todd. Let's just let him act how he wants. If you haven't listened, he has so many albums that are just like lights out. I used to listen to him when I started in New Orleans. I was a huge fan. But what are we drinking there, Beer Jew? Well, who's the time? I...

pick the drinks for you guys, but this time you get to choose your own kind of

And we'll figure out. Wait, it's a taste test? Wait, am I? Oh, this is three different ones? Three different Tom Yum Pops at three different price points. I don't even splurge for this at the restaurants. Thank you so much. This is like the flight. Right, right. Exactly. And whichever you like best, you get a full glass of or many more if you like. Oh, lovely. And we got the, what is that, a charcuterie? What do you call that? Cheese plate? That's the word. I think the kid's called charcuterie board. Charcuterie. I don't know what you mean.

I think I dated her at Harlem. This is amazing. All right. I did this at my wedding because I really wanted to buy expensive wine and Moshe was like, there is a wine shop up the street called Trader Joe's. And I'm like, I am not giving my guest Trader Joe's wine. Right. So I made this huge deal out of it and then my wedding planners came and we did a taste test and we all picked the Trader Joe's. Nice.

It was so even. And here's the worst part of the story. I still bought the expensive wine because I don't want my friends, like, I bought, like, half expensive wine because I was like, I don't want my friends to see, like, we're pouring Trader Joe's, you know, Trader Giato. Yeah, it always has some name. Trader Giato. Trader Jose or something. Funny that you mentioned Trader Joe's. I'm kidding. Oh, is there a Trader Joe's here? No, but they are three different, massively different price points. Maybe we should all do the same one at the same time. Are they in the right order? They have numbers on them.

They have numbers on them. Oh, they do? Just choose which one you like. I'm an idiot. I'm starting with three. Oh, jeez. All right. You can start with whichever you like. Okay. Are these all Sauvblancs? They're all Sauvblancs. Sauvblancs. This was Natasha requested Sauvblancs. Well, you said, what is your cocktail? And I don't really drink cocktails. I always picked you for like a martini.

If I drink a martini, I would definitely vomit. She's 5'1". Martinis are so strong. They are. And those glasses are not fun to hold. No, they hate the glass. This is pretty good. A little oaky. What are we starting with? That's one? That's a three. Wine has just started to taste like water to me. That's bad, right? They always say, why is it so hard to drink a whole bottle of water, but so easy to drink a bottle of wine? It's not hard.

Well said. This is good. I like it. And I'm not a wine guy. You're not a wine guy? Nah. I'm not a white wine guy. I like a red better. No, red is obviously better. It just gives me headaches, so I can't drink it. Oh, yeah. It'll kill you in the morning. Okay, number two. This is number two. Number two we're going for. Okay. A little fuller.

A little nutty. This one tastes more like... My ex. I think I like the third one better than the second. Okay. Yeah, I think so too. I'm following your guys' league. This tastes a little bit like... I'm ignorant. I don't know, like raw alcohol. Like they put a splash of vodka in it or something. Interesting. I feel that, yeah. It does smell a bunch of vodka, really.

All right. It's definitely got a kick. I don't like the aftertaste. It's got a sting to it. Okay, number one. I feel like these are all kind of like flat, simple, dry. Maybe we didn't give you guys the best. Flat, simple, and dry. They're nothing exotic. Don't worry. Okay. Much different, right? That's dry. That's number one, right? That's what dry is? When people say dry? I think that's pretty dry, yeah. I'm learning. I'm learning.

Okay. I think three is the best. I agree. I'm a three person. I would say three as well, and I'm clueless. So we're all going for three? But what is it? Oh, if it's Trader Joe's, I'm going to ship blood. All right, so for the big reveal. Okay, I'm wearing a diaper. Let's go with the least favorite was number two, correct? Yes. All right, well, you guys have some samples of taste. That is the cheapest one. Hey! Look at us. That's the cheapest one. All right. That's cupcake. Don't ever buy cupcake, you guys. It's cupcake.

Cupcake Vineyards. It's like a budget wine. They have Pinot Grigio, soft longs, everything you need. It's the thing you grab at the 7-Eleven when you're going to a party. You hope that no one sees what you drop. Right. Because that is not... Everyone knows cupcake is like $6. Effectively, yes. It's like a $12 bottle. $12. And then our favorite was number two. No, number one, number one. No, no, no. Three. Three, rather. So three...

was strangely enough, strangely enough, you guys picked the middle best as your best, which is Kim Crawford's. - I drink this all the time and also restaurants do not serve cupcake, but they do serve Kim Crawford. - Actually my restaurant serves Kim Crawford.

Yeah, it's a very popular house sauv blanc. Because it's good mid-tier and it'll get you there. And it's nice to pair with any kind of light meal. How much is the Kim Crawford? Kim Crawford is about $25. $25, $26. It's not too bad. And then obviously the higher tier was Cake Bread Cellars at $45. I want that one instead.

And that was when you guys said, oh, that's dry. That's dry. That's like when you feel that extreme dryness when it's just been completely barrel aged for a good amount for as long as a white wine should be. Get that. Wow. I seriously would rather have the expensive one. You know what? Let's drink the expensive one. I like the Kim Crawford. Well, I drink Kim Crawford all the time. Yeah, let's do the good one. Let's do it.

Maybe it'll be lesser of a hangover too, right? This isn't the mental part of me. I'm tasting the second one we liked and it tastes better now that I know it's the good one. Isn't that fucked up how the mind works? Yeah, we're really trash. What is that, cake bread? Oh, no, that's me. There you go.

Americans are just trash. We really are. We really are. It just sucks. I always think of that Richard Jenney joke, how the French have the croissant, and here in America, we go, we made a croissan'wich. Yeah, so true. That's what we did. Even Canada is better. I went to Vancouver, and it's even a little more refined there.

Did you guys know that in other countries they have like full maternity leave? Oh, yeah. In Finland, they give you a box. It was full of like a box. The box is for your baby to sleep in. And then they give you like all of this like baby supplies, anything you would need. You get like 400 days off. Right. For the year that you can use whenever you want. You know, it's like America. We're just like, do your thing, you know, like don't get an abortion. Right. I'm not going to help you with any of this. Yeah. But.

That's just my biological father talking to my mom, by the way. Wait, so your dad's not a lawyer? That's your stepdad? No, yeah. Okay. All right. At comics, you know, we all have a story. That's the most polite way. It's a bumper sticker. To be like, ew. Well, it's true.

though I mean that was what really attracted me to comedians you've dated some comics but not even yes dated I always date comedians but also like just when I first got to New York or I think when I from New York I got to LA and I would start going to auditions and the actors were so annoying and I'd be in a green room with actors and they were just like all competitive and bragging and boring and then all of a sudden you go to an improv audition and like everybody's funny and yes I mean there's still like

vain assholes but you know at least they're like funny they're giving back yeah totally so I just always wanted to hang out with comedians but then you start talking to them it's like oh you got stabbed when you were little oh yeah you know someone accosted you in an alley oh your brother died you know it's like

always something like this is always an inciting we all have something that fucks us up but like there's something about actors having to hide in other roles that makes me feel like they don't work on it as much comedians we have to live with like ourselves we have to like be in our head for like who we are on stage so I do feel like on some level we work a little more on it than actors oh yeah oh for sure we work on

Ourselves. Ourselves. Oh, more than actors. That's a good point. You have to address the shit. Right. They're just like, sometimes do you ever look at someone who's like a really good actor and like, they just look, it looks like there's nothing there. Vessel. Vessel. The best actors have like nothing to say because they just like become something else.

Yeah. That's what they do. They're the shapeshifters. Yeah. You know, they're not real. They're chameleons. They say you can always tell an actor from the glazed look in their eye whenever someone else is talking. Oh. But maybe that's comedians too. Yeah. Well, that's when you meet a comedian's significant other. You're like, oh yeah,

Let me get back to this comedian that helps motion is fucking awesome Your wife what let me guess did you marry a chef a nanny? Keep going dominatrix. That was yours Let me think nurse. I'm trying to think what male comics like nurse very giving right? Yeah Okay, let me see

Gosh, I think I've run out of professions. I don't even know what the job title is. It's like a real office-y job. He hasn't asked her what she does yet. No. But you just got married. So what does she do? She works in HR? She works in marketing, but also a comedian. Okay.

comedian yeah yeah so you're good yeah i'm good we we gel that's good yeah because i think it's really important to have a someone who at least understands the lifestyle totally you're just like on a whim gonna be like i'm gone wednesday i'm gone thursday yeah i'm gonna be i'm staying out till 11 you know it's like i remember some girl when i was coming up this like beautiful model and she was doing comedy and she was always getting in these like passionate fights with her older husband who was like you can't go out you

You can't go out tonight. She's like, I need to go out to, you know, and it was like they were always fighting. Oh, yeah. You don't want that. And a lot of people will be into comedy and the dating, you know, that kind of world. And they're like, oh, I love that you're a comedian. And then when you start getting serious, they're like, come on, stop that now. And you're like, no, I'm the same guy. But once you get serious, there's some kind of cutoff. I had that with a girl recently where she was like,

it's the weekend. We should be hanging out. And I was like, I have work. What do you mean? I work at night. And she's like, well, it's important to me. And I was like, let's just not do this then. Let's just. Sammy, give up that

Yes. I gave up. I was like, I'm out. Well, I mean, it's your job. It's your livelihood. It's your passion. If you don't accept me on date three, then yeah, I'm fucking out. It's really important to me that we spend weekends together. Yeah, that's a nail in the coffin right there. Kiss of death. You know, Moshe's been going away. Like, he's away performing all the time, but last week he went to some post-Burning Man party. Ah!

for three days. That's divorce. I mean, I was like, I kept asking him. I was so confused by it. I'm like, are you sure you want to go to this? I go, this is doesn't seem like this just seems like work. Well, it also seems like something you do. Like if you're like single, it's like in a hotel. I don't know. And I'm like, you really would rather do that than hang out with your cute family. Then he explained to me the other night, he was like, you know,

I want to just sit home and watch The Vow with you. But like, I start to feel like if I don't

Make an effort to do things like life slips by and for him to feel alive, he needs to be social. That makes sense because it's real easy for us to just slip into that cocoon as comedians to just stay home and watch shit. Burning Man sounds so bad, though. This isn't even Burning Man, though. This is like a post-Burning Man in Tahoe. And he's sober, right? Yeah, so he's doing this sober. Oh, my gosh.

What the hell? Oh, man, that's a lot of Molly talking. Yeah, I went to Burning Man three times. It was pretty rough. Whoa. Three times? Let's hear it. You know, before the pandemic, I think I was just more game. Yeah, I could see that. You know, I was just kind of like, oh, it's cute. That's true. Now I'm just kind of like, no, no, no.

Right. That's not happening. Yeah. Well, you try to be adventurous. Then you go. And right when you get there, you're like, what was I thinking? This is a fucking nightmare. And Moshe wanted to go so bad this year. He wanted to take our kid. He went with friends or what do you do? He has like a whole group. He used to work there. So he has like a whole group that he goes with. And he really wanted to take our kid. And I said, listen.

if you don't take our kid, how about you? How about I go? How about we do the thing that you asked me before we got married? And because he came to me before I got married. He's like, what if I just we can open up the relationship just at Burning Man? And I was like, no. Whoa. What? That was his pitch.

Because he had never been in a relationship before. Ah. Oh, he was kind of a player. He was a player, but also didn't have much experience, so he didn't know that that's not okay. So then this past year, I said, you know what? Wait, so he can only fuck around at this festival? No, but we said no. Yeah, I'm guessing. That was his pitch, but he doesn't think things through. Yeah.

Because then what? He goes to Reno or he goes to Louisiana, wherever he's doing stand-up, and then Raleigh. And how do we know that he's not going to do it there? But also you just want a monogamous relationship. Husband. I would prefer that just because...

It makes it. He's like, all right, no to Burning Man, but Coachella? I mean, I get that it's like a fantasy to be able to open up your relationship. But for a woman, for a mom, I mean, imagine like this, like, you know, a lactating mom, you know, sidling up to the bar trying to like talk to men. Like, it's just not fair for a woman. Like open relationships are definitely it's I think it's more challenging for the mother. Of course, especially in that state.

so then i don't know though i think i think i think women have a easier well it's easier to get laid as a lady but but not if you're a mom or you're like i'm not breastfeeding anymore have you heard of this porn category milf does pretty well very popular very popular i was gonna say depending which bar you know yeah well anyway the point the point is i told him if you how about you can go do whatever you want at burning man but

In exchange, you don't take our child there. Wow, that's a great deal. Wait, so he is allowed to do that or no? Well, then I like, so I told him this and I think he was like, okay. He didn't know if I was kidding or not kidding, you know. And so then I told my therapist about it and she was like,

When's he leaving? And I was like, in two days. She's like, you should probably get confirmation. Like what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I came to him with it. And he was like, oh, I thought you were kidding. I would never want to mess up our family. So that was right. Oh, wow. Mark's confused. I'm so confused. This is strange. He deletes Tinder. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, I got that was a joke. What are you talking about? I mean, this is probably one of your first big relationships, right? That you just got married? No, no. I was in a 12 year before this. You were.

Yeah, yeah. I did not see that. 12 Years a Slave, they made a movie about it. Yeah. You were really? I was a relationship guy and then I got out for a couple years and just, you know, went nuts and then got back in. Oh, with a different person? Yes, yes, yes, a man. Okay.

No. But no, a different movie. You were a beautiful child. Did you see her? Yeah, when I was at your place. Pull her up. Don't pull her up. All right. You can pull up any baby. I'd believe it. I mean, maybe Mark's married now. Do you have any advice if he wants to maybe have a kid? Because you have this new book out. My book, The World Deserves My Children.

There's my child. He's beautiful. Thank you. I mean, so you want to have a baby? Eventually, yeah. How old is your wife? 31. Okay, so my advice is by 38, she should freeze her eggs. Oh, really? And that's the cutoff. And then...

She's an aspiring comedian or up-and-coming comedian. So I'm assuming that she wants to keep working on her career. I mean, 30 to 40, those are your peak money-making years. You got that right. Those are your peak fun years. Those are your peak...

you know, development years. So it's like having a baby and then being in survival mode, you know, in your 30s and 40s. Yeah, so, and I had my baby at 43. Wow. So this egg technology is really cool. It's amazing. It's giving women like a new lease on life. Yeah, of course. It's giving us what men have always had. Right, right.

The ability to start a family, second family in their 70s or whatever you guys want to do. I think Mick Jagger just had a kid at like 91. That's a little much. Yeah. Come on, Mick. What are you doing? That is pretty crazy. Well, he's got this Burning Man ultimatum thing going on. It's pretty good. I didn't explain that very well. I only fuck around with women at the Fyre Festival. Yeah.

I don't. But yeah, so I think Moshe didn't quite get that like you a relationship is monogamous, I guess, for a reason. Right. Well, it's a different time, too. You know, things are all wacky now and fluid. You never know. I didn't I didn't know Moshe was like that. He seems like such a adult. You know, he does. Yeah, he does. But you're married to him.

He seems like kind of a wise guy. He does have wisdom. I saw him at the improv last time I was in L.A. and I did this bit about a terrible hookup story. And he kind of like, he was like talking to me after the set. And he was like, is that a true story? And I said, yeah. He's like, never go to bed with someone you wouldn't have lunch with. And I was like...

Wait, what? That's pretty good. That would mean I'd never be cut in half. That's insane. No, I know, but I was like, that's like an adult thing to say. I never thought about it like that. Yeah. Well, he does have wisdom, and we have a podcast, the Endless Honeymoon Podcast. I've done it. It's a great podcast. Yes, and I don't remember who called when you called, but there's all these- She DM'd me. Whoa. What was her question?

I can't believe she DM'd you. I don't remember, but I think she had a breakup and we were helping her through it or something. She was hot. Would you have lunch with her? That's the question. How do you find that out if you'd have lunch with someone, though? You can get a vibe, I think.

Yeah, I don't know. Well, I'm sorry that one of our callers DM'd you. No, don't be. That's very inappropriate. Thank you. He liked it. But all these 20-year-olds and even 30-year-olds, I feel like they don't have a lot of guidance and nobody really knows what to do, especially since COVID. Everyone wants to be dating. They're sick of online dating. No one's going out. It's like, what do you do? It's tough now. I don't envy you as a single man these days. That's all right. He's confused.

He's killing every night on stage in New York. I bet he like. Ups and downs. Do you do that thing that male comics do where you hang out by the bathroom? I can't anymore. Is that the move now? That's where all the girls go. You know, they go to the bathroom and then they can be like, oh.

Oh, that's interesting. I do that in my 20s. You did that? You fucking did that. I never did the bathroom move. Not the bathroom, but like by the bar. Oh, I just sit there with a roll of toilet paper. Hey, I got you. One or two. You definitely hung out by the bar after a show. I did the bar, but the bathroom I never even thought about. Well, that's the comedy store specifically. I see. The bathroom's right where the male would have been. Oh,

Oh, yeah, in that hallway. They're always in the hallway with their arms crossed. Good point. It's so funny because, like, the idea that I would get off stage and want to talk to some guy going to the bathroom, like, waiting in line for the bathroom, that would never happen. Especially in L.A., they're going to go vomit. In that sense, for sure. And in other ways, too. But for sure, the...

By the way, I don't like hooking up on the road either anymore. I'm getting older. It's not fun anymore because I'm fucking exhausted usually. I'm on the road every week. Is it like the waitresses usually or is it the customers? Almost never a waitress. That's a bad idea because you've got to be there the next night. I opened for a comedian. I can't say who it was, but he would come out, look in the aisle, see who was hot, and then he would go tell.

The waitress, get them chicken nachos on me. And then he would get them like the hot girls chicken nachos. I want to fuck the woman who's bloated after the show. Yeah. You're busted, Todd Berry. Get her some jalapeno poppers too. And then...

And then he would invite them backstage afterwards and just kind of, you know, let them figure out who it was going to be. I don't have that kind of confidence. I'd be like, get her the chicken nachos. And then after, I'd be like, where is she? Oh, shit. It wouldn't work out for me. Off camera, I want to know who it is. Oh, I'll tell you. All right. It'll be very obvious. Patreon. RIP Gallagher. That was a hilarious one where...

There were like not that many nice obits for Gallagher. Oh, that's true. Wait, Gallagher died?

Yeah. When? Two days ago. That's interesting because like didn't his brother go on? His brother was touring as Gallagher too. That's right. And I remember he was a dick. By the way, how do you know it's not a great comic? Right. There's no Carlin too. Or maybe it's just Gallagher. He's like, I wore out my welcome. So was he hated? Like Woody

you think he was like to his peers like how we like was he like Carlos Mencia or something I heard he was a dick everybody that was the buzz about him that he was a mean guy or the person that people yeah I don't know but think about how much we want to love comics you know like this is like such a

it's like a family. Not to sound corny, but you want to love your fellow comics. But comics like shit on each other now publicly. I just, I wasn't trying to shit on Carlos Mencia. I'm just saying, I remember when I was coming up, people were like, we don't like him. And I didn't understand why. But he's like an unapologetic joke thief and he's kind of got a bad vibe, I feel like, you know, where it's like, I'm saying if you're,

You have to do so much for us to turn on you. I feel like the public will turn on you, but comics rarely turn on other comics unless they're really shitty, I think. Sam, that is not true. You don't think so? No, because people talk shit about people on their podcasts now. Ah, that's a bummer. We try to avoid that. I don't do it either, but there is... Except for Gallagher. I apologize. He won't hear it. Rest in peace, Gallagher. You're one of the greats.

Wait, there weren't any nice obituaries for Gallagher? A couple were like, you know, he was nice to me one time. Right, right. Do you think 20-year-olds know who that is? No, of course not. No way. They don't even know who Martin Scorsese is. We lost all our 20-year-old listeners after we had Al Franken on.

What was Al Franken drinking? Beer. He was drinking a not funny juice. No, I'm joking. We have a dignified lady here. Oh, sorry. It's okay. It's the fourth time he's done it. Oh, sorry. I know. I'm used to it. Next time I'll sit on Sam's side. I like it. All right. All right. I'm sorry. Do you like it? I do. I'm used to it. That's cute. Last one. I'm used to it. I do kind of like the bell. I've never seen French wine make someone burp. I can declass anything.

But, oh, you were on Andrew Dice Clay's show. Remember that show? That was a good show. Now we're just like Googling like comics. I saw this photo. What, yeah, what was that like? How was Dice to work with? Well, at one point, I remember he was like, he was like, hey,

We were doing a bedroom scene. He's like, can you give me a massage? Like in between. In between takes. Oh boy. And I was like, no. And Adrian Brody was there that day. I was like, why don't you ask Adrian Brody to give you a massage? And he's like, fuck no. You know, like.

So now he just made it sexual. Right. Well, I mean, but that's the thing. Like, he wasn't trying to be rude. It was just like, he's like, hey, you know, we're in a bed. You know, my back hurts, whatever. Oh, boy. But that's the beauty of Dice. He's just like, he is that. He's just like, he's, you know, he's over the top. Yeah. Right. I mean, he would go through customs smoking cigarettes. Yeah.

And they'd be like, excuse me, sir. You're not supposed to be smoking. He's like, oh, I didn't see the sign. That's hilarious. I mean, he's just like, who does that? Like one of these two? Yeah. With the x-ray thing. Woo, woo. Going around. He's got a cigarette in there. That's hilarious. And then it's just like he gets in a mood and it's just like, walk away. Walk away. Oh, wow. But he's a great father and his kids really loved him. And I think that's always a good sign. Agreed. Yeah, I opened for him once and-

I'm not the biggest Dice guy, but I was like, he's a legend. I'd like to meet him. So I go up to him and I go, Mr. Dice, I'm your feature. Just saying hello. And he goes, you want a photo? And I go, no, no, I'm just saying hello. And how much time do you want me to do? He goes, give me the phone. And I was like, all right. So I just gave him my phone. He took a photo of us with my phone and gave it back. And I didn't know how much time to do. I mean, when you think of the trajectories of comedians, like to be...

To be at the very top. I mean, the way he explained it, it was like one day Madison Square Garden selling it out. The first one ever. The very next day backlash on New York Times front cover. That's right. I mean, that is like a massive thing to deal with emotionally. And, you know, I don't know how people would cope with something like that. So funny that Dice is playing MSG. Like one night there's like the Knicks or the Rangers. And the next night he's like, this chick is sucking my dick.

dick right 20,000 people but a lot of comedians have played it since right oh yeah but he started and then he did the next album's hilarious the day the laughter died yes it's just dice bombing a danger field for an hour it's kind of it's kind of like a weird artistic choice that I really respect I know garden to just eating shit I actually have that record my friend Brendan Walsh gave it to me and I'll play it when I'm having a party and I want people to leave laughing

It's like it gives the right cue. People are kind of like, it's jarring in a way. If you ever divorce Moshe, put that on. And he'll be out there in a bag. I'm packing. Yeah. How long have you been married to Moshe? Seven years. Woo! The seven year itch. Thank you. And yeah, we have this child now and...

it's really amazing to have a child. You should do it, Mark. Yeah, you think? Although Moshe told me I should stop telling everyone to have a kid. Well, it's not for everybody. But it is once you have it. I promise you. I mean, unless you get a fucked up one. That's true. Yeah, you don't want to. Because we had a bad kid growing up, my brother, and he

One of my brothers. Your brother was bad? He was like a problem child. Is he still bad? He lives in a van that he put an address on. And he spent the pandemic on probation because he got into a fight at a gas station parking lot. Because he basically, he's like, and it's never his fault. You know, he's like, yeah, I'm in the 7-Eleven. And I just said to this guy, I'm like, hey, brother, why don't you put on a mask?

And then I'm pumping my gas and the guy steps to me. Because guys like my brother who've been to court a lot, they know what all the laws are. He's like, he steps within 11 feet of me. I'm like, what?

He kind of knows what the cutoff is legally, how close someone can get to you. So, of course, he's like, so, you know, I pound him in the face. He was so close. He was within his feet. And then he's got his license taken away. And, you know, it's like always something heavy. You know, I feel bad for him. Wait, he was pushing the mask or the other guy was pushing the mask? Surprisingly, my brother was pushing that this guy wear a mask. Ah, okay.

You don't hear about the liberal badass. Exactly, exactly. He's like, hey, buddy, you for a woman's right to choose? No? Let's fucking dance. So I think he's gotten his license back now. But, you know, it's just... Good for him. Yeah.

All right. So your other brother, you're closer to? I'm close to my other brother, yes. But, you know, I do feel bad that my kid doesn't have a playmate, you know? I mean, have you ever tried to play make-believe with a five-year-old? It's exhausting. Oh, it's a lot of work. It's so much work. I zone out, you know? I'm just not good at it. I like, like, art activities, but she doesn't want to do that. And then, you know, Moshe's just at a loss. He's just like, okay, we're going to the mall. Or, like, he'll just take her somewhere, you know, just to, like... Because they can...

You'll wake up at 7. They'll wake up at 7 on the weekend. You give them TV. By the time you wake up, it's been two hours. Right. That's already how much TV they're supposed to watch in one day. Good point. Then you have from 9 a.m. till 8 p.m. to fill up. It's a lot of time. It's a lot of work. I thought you were trying to sell him on having a cat. I know, right? Yeah.

What's the pitch for having a kid? Because he has a wife who will, if he's lucky, give up her stand-up career to help raise their child. And then he can go on the road. You'll pay for everything. You're kind of like, you know, exploding right now. While you're fucking, you're going to quit, baby? Yeah. You're going to quit? No. I think that, you know, you're young. Well, yeah.

Yeah. All right. You're selling it pretty good. I'm not trying to sell it. I'm not trying to sell it. I would like to sell my book, though. Yeah, sell the book. Hold it up. That's your real baby. So these are comedic.

no, comedic essays, because it's all real, based on my experience of motherhood and, you know, parenting at the end of the world and freezing my eggs and, you know, help free and paid. You know, I feel like no one ever wants to talk about the people we have to pay to help our kids, the nannies. You know, you can't really be like a working professional and not have

people you're paying to help you with your kid unless you have parents or something. Parenting at the end of the world. I mean, this was a big thing that I went through because...

the pandemic happened and you know you're like taking care of this thing and the stakes are so high and then just like if i go get her a haircut am i potentially or eat eat eat dine indoors am i potentially going to give her long crobit and you know it's like every single decision it's like this was this was like i'm still traumatized yeah it was a nightmare time i feel like mothers and like kids who missed middle school they probably had oh like wasn't

your whole personality developed in middle school? Completely. So kids were like in fifth grade and now they're a freshman or something? It's like so weird. It's weird. I just feel so bad and I have so many friends, kids who are like 10 and 12 and they just keep wearing their masks because that's just how they feel comfortable now.

Yeah, it's a tough time. Missing your prom, missing your graduation, starting college, all that is gone. It's not the same. That's a bummer. So I think we have it, families, single men, jobs.

Newlyweds. You guys, we all have it. Where you at on the, my brother has two infants and he doesn't allow phones, he doesn't allow TV and isn't on iPad, nothing. And... Well, infants, no. You're supposed to wait until two. Sorry, I don't know what infant means. One's nine and one's four. But... Wait, are you serious? Yeah.

You know, children. What's the word? Kids. At what age should you be giving a kid a phone? But these kids are so smart. They do puzzles. They write plays. They've read more books than I have. They do art. Oh, because they're nine and he doesn't allow phones? No, no. And I don't know how he does it. Does he have a wife who doesn't have a day job? She's a doctor. He works from home. Ah. So I guess he knocks it out at home while working, kind of. He sounds like he's killing it. Maybe he'll be a good dad too, Mark. He's killing it, but he's miserable. Yeah.

Why is he miserable? Well, it's just a lot of work. It's like she's, you know, it's like you ground them from the iPad for like saying something rude. And then you're like, oh, wait, I wanted you to get on the iPad. Yeah, me. So you're like, OK, you can watch the iPad. But, you know, it's it's it's your it's your downtime. But again, this is how people did it for thousands of years. And now all of a sudden we're like, that's crazy. But they had a bunch of kids. That's true. They raised each other.

Oh, that's that. I never thought of it. So we didn't have, this is like the past 10 years you could like stick a device with anything in front of it. Exactly. Before you just sent them outside and they figured it out. My daughter asked me the other day, she's like, Mom, how do you French kiss?

She's four. And I go, where did you hear that? And then she was like, oh, I don't know. And that's like when you just kind of pivot and change the subject. But sometimes on Netflix, she's watching cartoons. But they might be for like teens or like preteens.

Well, she's definitely not watching Big Mouth. You don't know? Well, I have the settings for kids. But then I'm like, okay, I guess I have to vet everything. And then she starts watching these things on YouTube. I don't know what... Oh, YouTube. YouTube is the worst because I'll hand her a TV show, like Bluey or something. And then all of a sudden she's on the phone and then I'm listening and there's like...

some like it's like bad acting it's like a mother and two kids pretending the mom's pretending she's mad at the kids and the kids are like showing some product it's like some weird like the people no i don't even know what it is it's a genre of like people in the philippines renting out a mansion and like what i i don't it's it's so strict i need to find out what it is and now my daughter knows it's like these empty mcmansions that people are renting

Is that it? It's a kid's show? And they like when...

I don't know, but I was listening. I was reading this article about, you know, Cocomelon. That's a big one they all like. And so basically there's these dudes in Silicon Valley and they are testing the shows. So they put a two year old in the room and then in the corner they have on an iPad someone doing really boring things like pouring tea or, you know, just like putting dishes in a dishwasher and anything. Anytime the kid looks at that instead, they flag it.

So they only want like the things that grab the kids' attentions the most. So one cartoon that they mentioned, this is in the New York Times. One cartoon they mentioned, they said like kids love school buses, but they also love minor injuries. So then there's a school bus that has a bandage wrapped around it. And so like that's how you can get the kid to not look at the coffee pouring or anything else. Oh my God. We're just helping pedophiles at this point. Pedophiles are like, holy shit. Wait, do you go back?

What is that? By the way, they're just doing this to adults with the news, by the way. That's true. You're right. Same shit. Maybe these parents are getting money to show toys. These are unprofessional videos, and this is all my kid wants to click on. And one day she even goes, she goes, Mom, this is bad sound, right? Oh, wow. She knows sound. She knew it was like they didn't have lobs on. Wow.

And this is just like. That is an L.A. kid. The quality's low. Low res. But yeah, it's just like. So anyway, back to your brother. I mean, he's clearly doing the right thing. It's just that takes so much energy. He's an animal. I don't know how he does it. Is there any difference between like, you know, showing this shit to kids and then adult? It's just like, look who Pete Davidson's fucking now. And you're like. Same shit. Same shit. Same shit. They know how to grab us.

too. We're not so sophisticated ourselves, you know? Yeah. I'm sure that, well, that's what the algorithm is, right? That's it. They're like testing and figuring out what grabs, what grabs the most amount of people at, oh my God. This is scary shit. Yeah.

I hate it. This is weird. You're trying to get us to have kids. I don't want... Look at this shit. Look at these pacifier looking weirdos. I know. They're trying to make a buck, too. Everyone's trying to make money. I know. I know. But it is like... I guess I just love living with this little spirit angel who doesn't know who Trump is. It's innocence. It is just so special. And she just always wants to be with me. And she thinks I'm so cool. And she's just like...

you know, we have fun together and I just... - That's great. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm a lot of steps away from this right now, but Mark, you're close. - I don't know, the French kissing thing weirds me out. I hate to tell you, your kid is an OnlyFans. I don't know if you knew that. - Well, that must be like an older boy at her school, right?

It's got to be. Maybe. The pacifier thing creeps me out, too, though. I don't like these. Who are these guys? There's some guy who's like, I'm a child distraction actor. That's what I do. Yeah. I distract children. It's my job. I mean, it's harrowing. And yes, I don't want my kid's face up there. And I don't know if this is true, but I heard someone saying that...

on some of these videos of kids, you'll see like a time code in the comments. And if you go to the time code, it's like where the kid shows their underwear or something. So it's just like everybody like...

It's just like we have to fight against every pedophile in the world is on the internet. Like, why would you want your kid on the internet? Jesus. We'll find a way to make anything sexual and creepy. That's what humans do. I didn't mean to go so stark. No, no. We have a big pedophile fan base. Anyway, you guys should really have a child. And get my book. Get the book. Unless you're a pedo.

You don't deserve her children if you're a pedo. Now I've been drinking. Do pedophiles have kids? I doubt it. I mean, it's, you know, it's a good question though, Mark. I'm curious. It's an honest question. I'm just saying, I mean, it's just in the house. You don't have to go to a playground. Mark. I'm just, I'm raising a point. Maybe there's some snooty pedophiles who are like, I'll fuck a kid, but not my kid. I'm sure there is there. That's incest. Yeah.

These are the things I think about. We're losing all of our listeners right now. Let's bring Al Franken back. That's a bad idea. Oh, yeah. I brought a pedophile around him and he froze. He did not like me. Or me. Yeah. Us. Or the show. I bet he was thinking you guys were cool and he wanted you to think he was cool. No, we didn't. I don't think he liked us. Sweet man. He's 71.

He does not care for us at all. He's 70, really? He looks good. He is a good, he looks good. So I heard that like actresses are all taking diabetes medication to stay skinny. Is that right? Uh-huh. I've heard like three different people tell me that. Who's taking the diabetes? I'm not going to say it. Come on. Calista Flockhart. But I wonder if like 70 year olds are doing something too, right? Like some kind of, you know, like what was the thing? HGH? Yeah. Maybe he's on something like that.

He's in politics. They know all about that shit. Possibly. I don't know. Interesting. I heard the amount of female comedians doing Botox blew my mind. I was shocked. Wait, you didn't know that women did Botox? I didn't know. I thought you did it maybe when you were, you know, 48. I didn't know it was so prevalent. I know girls in their 20s. Is it? You should not. By the way, if you're 20 and you're listening to this podcast, you should not get Botox when you're 20. When do you get it? What age?

I don't know when you, because I used to hate that Kardashian lip, like that puff. They all have that puff around their mouth. But if you look at what the opposite of that is, like, you know. A little crinkle here. Yeah, it's like. It's not bad. I don't mind a crinkle. That's natural. You know, but I guess, I don't know. Just whatever you do, don't get your lips done. And honestly, men shouldn't do anything. Have you seen Perry Farrell? I don't know who that is. You guys don't know who Perry, from Jane's Addiction? No.

Oh, no. Well, any man who gets... That's like when you get your eyes done, you know, when you get... Looks like he runs a haunted toy store. That's crazy. Plastic surgery does not look good on men. No. Gay men maybe could get away with it. He's not gay. I don't know. I don't think he's gay. Maybe he is. But see how cute he was? He was a hunk.

I mean, he was like so hot. Yeah. Yeah. It's the eyes. The eyes are bad to do. You don't want to get your lips done. It's like a picture that you just keep drawing, you know, that you're like, oh, a little more, a little more. But if you actually step back and look at it, you're like, oh, I did too much. I think that's the thing with plastic surgery. They just keep going. I don't know if I know any guys who have done that. He doesn't look bad there.

Wait, so Al Franken didn't have plastic surgery? No, no, no. But he looked good. He looked great. I mean, he's got a full head of hair and he's hanging in there. He looked really good the way he said, huh, after every joke I bombed. We're focusing too much on Frankie here. You can cut this out. Keep it. Give the people what they want. He doesn't know what podcasts are, even though he has one. But yeah, nice guy. Nice guy. Sweet kid. My best friend.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. But what isn't these days? Am I right? Good point. No, duh. Get 20% off at lucy.co with code DRUNK. Yeah. He's the new co-host. How did you two get together? Are you just like both hilarious comedians? We've known each other forever. Years and years. Open mics, the whole thing. Known Mark forever. And then we, during the pandemic...

We tried this on Zoom. It was that thing where we talked about the spirit of the pod was like the end of the night. We were like, ah, one more drink. And it turns into 5 a.m., 6 a.m. We're fucking wasted. And it turned into, we tried it on Zoom. We're like, we'll have a cocktail on Zoom and do a podcast. And it was really fun. Yeah. And it turned into a thing, you know? That's the one thing I will say about having a kid, that feeling you have when you're younger where you're like, let's keep the party going.

You know, like that one where you're like, okay, I could go to bed now, but if I like smoked three more cigarettes and like smoked some pot and then you have another drink and then you're kind of up till three or four, like that instinct, you kind of have to like squash that.

As an adult. Well, you don't have to, but as a parent, I find, because then you have to get up at 7. Thank you. I'm away from my family this week. Yeah, especially with a kid. If you don't squash, you end up fighting people in a 7-Eleven. No, I know what you mean, but think about being a kid. What was the most fun you ever had? It's when you had a friend's

You're sleeping over. And you're pulling all night or watching movies, eating junk food. You're like, that's the best night you'll ever have as a kid. The best. Oh, staying up all night. You're just like, let's watch a fucking movie. Yeah, sleep books. I remember sleeping at my friend's place. And we're like sixth grade just chain smoking cigarettes, watching a bootleg fight club. You were chain smoking in sixth grade? Maybe seventh grade. Love it. Really? We were bad kids. He lives in a van. I don't know what he does.

Did your mom know you were smoking? No, of course not. Until one day. You didn't smell it. Well, we were at a friend's house. But I remember, yeah, my mom found them once and was really pissed at me. I blamed her. I smoke because of you. She's like, why? I don't smoke. I was like, I don't know. Yeah. I remember my dad hit me once and I said, I'm telling social services. And he was like, where the fuck did you learn that? That was my big move.

Yeah, the other day my daughter, she kind of hit me and I was like, ow. I said, don't do that. And I just brushed her arm away and she started screaming police. Whoa. And she's clearly like playing, but also like she must have heard that on the playground because their school's kind of mixed. So there's some older boys there and stuff. But she was like, police. I think she was like, my mom.

And I was like, that was you. Like, you hurt me. And I said, I moved your hand. That's pretty smart. That's like diabolical. She twisted it. Oh, no. Yikes. And then somebody comes over. I heard police. She said defund. Yeah, it's so hard. I'm trying to get over the idea that every decision, you know, like I want to make the perfect decision. Of course.

Can't bat a thousand. I know. As Dr. Drew would say, just the fact that you're worried about that is already a good sign. He would say that? Yeah, that's what he always said on Loveline back in the day. So as long as there is like the instinct of love and trying to figure it out. Yeah. Like somebody would call in and go, I'm worried about my daughter. I'm worried about my son. He would go, just the fact that you're trying to fix this problem and worried about it means you're a good parent. Yeah, being present, it seems like such a big part of that, right? I know. And like the whole...

so much about having a little kid is like, let's wrap it up. You know, like every activity, it's just like, so do you want to play pirate ship?

You know, and then you can't look at your phone. Bonnie McFarlane told me she used to set a timer to not look at her phone when she was with her kid. And that whole time she has to listen to Rich Voss. That's very hard. We love Rich, by the way. And I love Bonnie. So I'm team Bonnie. We're going to get Bonnie on here, by the way. I love Bonnie McFarlane. She is so funny. I mention her in my book. So dry and so witty. She's hilarious. And she has...

That was the last one. She has a great book out, too, that Anthony Bourdain did the foreword to. Whoa! And a great documentary, Women Aren't Funny. But she also, she has a really great relationship with her kid. Like, her kid really loves her, and they just seem like, you know, like, that's kind of how you watch My Kid's Gonna Hate Me. Well, she did start saying this thing lately, where she's like, Mom, don't tell people things I say.

Jesus. I know. And I'm just like, okay. So then I was like, I guess I can't put this material into a special. Yeah, you can. She can watch when she's 12. Yeah. Meh.

Louie did it. He turned out fine. It's going to live, right, if I put it on tape. Yeah, of course. And then, you know, I think someone's like suing their parents right now for putting them on Instagram. People are like very into their rights, which I understand, you know. Yeah, well, then you should actually give all the money back from when you raised them. You should get the sue back. Good point. Yeah.

Yeah, I won't joke about you. Goodbye, college fund. Yes. Raise yourself, motherfucker. I had to pay for my own college. That's why I went to City University. I went to Hunter College, but it was a good education. Yeah. 1200 a semester. Wow. What's it like being a college kid in Midtown Manhattan?

It was pretty awful. Really? I mean, it was just like being poor, you know? Yeah, yeah. I guess so. I really didn't like my time in New York. So it is always nice to come back here and be able to afford a cab. That is helpful, yeah. There was a lot of like buses and subways and rats. That's the problem with New York too. Like anytime where the rats are like, like in the summer I would see a rat every day.

I know you guys do too, right? Look, you gotta learn to live with the rats. Is that what it is? You learn to live with them? I can't, look, I'm a native New Yorker. I love New York. I can't defend certain elements of the city. You just have, I was trying to get my ex to live here and it's like, you know, we'd be walking around and she'd be like, this is just like bad. And I'd be like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's bad, but it's home. Spoken like a true New Yorker. But, you know, look, there's going to be rats out. Sometimes you'll see them fucking. That's fun. No. You'll see a homeless cock. Have you seen that? Sure. Oh, yeah. That's a good thing to see because you're like, all right, they're not worried about me. Yeah, yeah. They're just fucking each other. I am the prize. Yes. You'll see a homeless cock every once in a while, but here's what we have. LA doesn't. Pizza is slightly open later. Ha, ha, ha.

So we got our stuff too. Yeah. Here, here. It is getting less. The things are getting less.

No, New York has got a lot of problems right now. But I do think some of the crime stuff is being blown out of proportion by the media. I think they like to create fear. Oh, same with L.A. Everyone's saying it's dangerous to be in L.A. too. So I think it's the same thing that those people are doing with Cocomelon. They're trying to figure out what will not avert anyone's eyes from the story. Right. I'll hear from people and they're like, I hear the crime's getting pretty bad in New York City. And I'm like, you live in downtown Indianapolis. Oh.

What do you think this is, a fucking Whitehaven community? Right. Shit. In urban areas, there's always going to be crime. They're densely populated. New York, there is crime occasionally. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Yeah, there is. But I don't think it's as bad as people are leading you to believe. There's millions of people here, so there's always crime. But now it's being kind of a show. I will say this. I saw a guy shooting up on the fucking corner here.

I saw a guy shooting heroin into his hand as I'm fucking walking in here. Today? But that's not a crime. It is a crime, I think. It's a crime, but it's not a crime against another person. Yeah, hurt yourself. People are going to start getting pissed. Yeah, the drug use is up, I will say. A lot of needles. A lot of needles. Oh, really? I took one before your wedding, buddy.

Stav and I got IV dripped in my hotel room before we went to a wedding. It was great. I was hungover as fuck because I ended up at a gas station with Stav eating fried food and Ari. And we end up in the hotel lobby. And then I was so fucked up. Wait, is this the wedding when you did our podcast? You were on your way to a wedding? No, that was Dana Gould's wedding. Oh, right, right. That was a great time, too. But this was a week ago. And we were so fucking...

We had a funny IV drip guy. Oh, really? He was calling us gay. He was like, I'm going to put some gay porn in this IV drip. And we're like, we don't know what that means. That doesn't really work. But Stav's like, throw it in there, buddy. How did you feel after the needle? Great. It really does help. It helps. It does? Oh, yeah. It's an absurd waste of money. Do you guys do this a lot? I've done it. Drink or IV? IV drip. I do it more than I should. Like once a week? No.

10? That's a lot. I've worked with Bert Kreischer. He does IV drip? Oh, yeah. It's the only good thing he puts in his body. Yeah, that's true. And what does it do? Is it feeling high? It just replenishes you. No, it's just nutrients. Hydration, electrolytes. Zofran, so that kills nausea. Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah, so they're putting a lot of vitamins in there, and it's just saline. It hydrates you, and...

You're back. You're like, all right, I can drink again. Could you get that from pounding water? No. It just won't get to you as quickly. No, no way. That's why you usually need to sleep it off. This is like right in your vein. So you're like, oh, I'm back. I mean, you literally, I felt so ill. Yeah. And then I put it in me and I'm like, I could drink. Exactly. Really? Yeah. I pour a little wine in my bag there. Get it right to the vein. Cake bread or cupcake? Cupcake. Cupcake.

Yeah, the nutrients even out the cupcake. This is pretty nice, actually. It's growing on me. Now that I know it's more expensive, I'm really learning to enjoy it. I like white wine. Red wine can really give you a headache, and so I'm just kind of over that. Same. I can't do it with the kid. No. It's so hard to stay healthy being a comedian, because it's the only job where someone asks you four times if you want a drink before you go. It's like if you're like, no, I'm not drinking tonight, and then someone else comes in, they're like, hey, can we get you

something no I'm good and then by the time the third waiter comes in you're like okay fine alright fine I'll get drunk oh I know and they'll send shots on stage I'm like they don't do that at Broadway you know

It's just us. Right. Or theater. If you saw a theater actor drinking before they went on stage, you'd be like, that guy probably has a problem. Exactly. Wouldn't you think that? But also, it's hard to shut down after the show, too. So sometimes I'll have at least one or two because you're just like. After. Take the edge off. It's hard not to. Yeah.

Well, you probably do really well on stage. Sometimes I'm like, I'm glad that's over. You know what it is? My problem is, you guys, maybe you can help me because you're both master comedians. I will kill, but then like I never end strong. It's like, it's almost like against my principles. Like it feels very like...

sports like I'm gonna crush I'm gonna destroy like I used to open for John Caparulo remember him oh yeah funny guy he's very funny but he would get a standing ovation every night and it would be like at the exact same spot and I'm like what is he how many new hours was he putting out though

I don't know. I mean, I heard he repeated a lot of stuff. I think he's very funny. Oh, you think he figured... I think when you're playing hits, you're going to crush harder. And some comics like to do that. But I think if you're constantly trying to do new stuff, you're going to have dips. And that's just part of the gig. But I will say... I bombed last night. It's part of the fucking job. You did. Sure. I was doing new shit. It sucked. You got to work it out.

- Well, I did this one person show a while ago and I hired this tap dancing troupe of kids and their teacher to come in and do a number and they would do this thing and they're like, "Okay, well if we go like this "and then to the side and then do the shuffle, "then we'll get a standing ovation, "or then we'll get the applause break." So they kind of knew physically what people needed to hear to then have everyone erupt.

And so it was like this form, you know? Right, right. And so I'm always like, I wonder if there's something I could be doing. You say you're crushing in the beginning. Why don't you just move that material to the end? Yeah, is it an energy thing or what is it? Are you doing newer shit at the end? It's almost like I just, I just, I'm done. I think they can feel that. They can feel like she wants to go. And if you want to go, they want to go. I have, I don't know. I don't know what it is. I guess it's just this idea of making people like...

Right. I don't know. I get it. The closer is always the hardest to write. But you're right. Maybe I should put the opening thing. That's killing. And then try to put that at the end. I'm like 23 years into comedy. But it's like I enjoy it so much till the end. Interesting. I don't know why that is. You got to listen to the sudden. Maybe it's the order or something. But also, as what Mark said, maybe it's the enthusiasm. Maybe you're checking out. Possibly. Maybe you're thinking about getting home.

Possibly. But I do, yes, I do think that I would love to feel that sort of... Crescendo. That feeling where I needed to have a couple drinks to come down. Like Sam. He's like in his hotel room, like all wired. I'm so wired. I don't sleep. It's a problem. I don't either. You don't sleep? I'm so bad with sleep. Yeah, I'm on pills to sleep. Well, Moshe too, he's like...

You're on pills to sleep? Yeah. Seroquil. You should not be taking it. I know. That's a strong pill. It's horrible. That's horrible. And it doesn't work that well either. Yeah, what are you doing? That's very strong. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. Have you tried weed? Like Indica? I'm doing that too. I'm doing the edibles or whatever. Indica. The gummies. Yeah. But don't take the ones that like activate you. No, no, no, no. And melatonin. So funny the word activate for a weed. Yeah.

I've been activated. Well, that's how I feel when I smoke weed because I smoke like the more strong, you know. Yeah. You smoke a lot?

Yeah. That's all right. No judging here. You have a very pleasing energy. Your energy is like very... You're chill. You're like an easy hand. Yes. Do you do that a lot? Well, I asked my therapist, I was like, should I not smoke pot? And he's like, I think it kind of works with your personality. I mean, I haven't smoked today, but yes, I'm pretty chill. I definitely didn't used to be. Really? Well, I was like extremely ambitious. I was just like, I wanted to like...

you know, I thought I should get into Juilliard. Like I was just like, I was just like, I had my eye and then I like when I pivoted to comedy, I was just like, I would work so hard. I remember Ari at the time. He was, were you talking about Ari Shaffir? Yeah. He was just such a hard worker and he really inspired me and he would like, he had this like,

sign on his in his bedroom that said you're not good till you bomb 50 times Bobby Lee and then he had like the numbers and then he would cross out every time he bombed and he was like on 20 and he was trying to get to 30 he's at 4,000 now you beat me to it

But I remember I kept a little full. I had like a little, you know, like a calendar and I would like make sure I counted every, you know, I was trying to like beat my record. I went up like 10 times a week or this. I would like take a bus to an ice cream shop and like do a 5 p.m. show, then a 7 p.m. show, then a 9 p.m. show. And I was just like so ambitious for it, for whatever it was, you know, and I think that you have to be in the beginning. That's.

That's the reason, I guess, what I'm saying is like having a kid just puts it into perspective a little bit more. Sure, sure. And I just feel like my time is more valuable and, you know, I just don't have the energy to close strong. I just want to get home to my children. Well, that is an extra incentive. I mean, you're thinking about getting home to a kid. That's not...

an issue that we have. But I also know comedians who had kids and are like, oh shit, I gotta, I gotta step it up now. They're gonna say, I gotta stretch. I'm doing another hour. I don't wanna see this fucker. No, that's how you know a guy just had a baby because like all of a sudden he puts out his tour schedule and he's in like a different city every day.

night just gone. Right. Yeah. I don't want to be there. But I do think you're right, Sam. Like really challenging yourself to do new stuff is hard. Like I followed Sarah Silverman the other night and she was kind of like she had like a notebook and she was kind of going through all this stuff and

you know, the crowd was like, whatever. And then I went up and I was like, I'm going to kill, you know? And it's like, cause Sarah was always someone I looked up to and I was like, okay, you know? And then I, I got off stage and I was like, wow, I can't believe I'm doing, I was so strong out there. And I was like, wait, Sarah was like making herself do all

new material you know and like I'm like throwing out the hits and like doing crap you know like killing it and it's like you have to be able to balance and make yourself maybe not when you're headlining on the road on your like tour or whatever but you know just being able to go up there and force your because you do have to bomb a little bit like you don't know if this thing's gonna be funny and when you're at Sarah's level like where are you gonna try your new stuff you're not like going to like a cafe you know right right

And by the way, she was killing, but like, you know, they were definitely laughing, but it was like she was clearly trying new stuff. And it's like I forget to do that sometimes. But there's a middle ground. You can do your A shit, then try the new, then go back to the A, then try the new, and then you're golden. I wish we had like a workshop and we could all like work. Do you have a bit you're working on? Because I want to throw one out too after you guys. You go first. I'll go first. Tell me, there's something here. It did not hit the other night. I think there's something here. All right.

I had a girl over and we hooked up. I came pretty quickly. So I felt guilty. I was like, let me go down on you. I want to make sure you get up. After you come inside her, then you go down? I was wearing a condom. Oh, okay, okay, yeah. I haven't done condoms in a one night stand. Well, I was thinking, I forgot people use condoms. Yeah, I can't believe you're still doing that.

Still? Come on. I'll be doing it until I'm fucking married. All right. Okay. Yeah, so I... So you came quick. You went down on her. Yeah, and I'm down there for a while. And I've got a bad neck. I'm counting the fucking minutes. I've got a bulge disc. Hot, Sam. So yeah, I'm counting. But it was a good 20 minutes for sure. It's a while. Love to smell that stubble. And then...

And then finally she just goes, she goes, okay, I came. And I was like, that's it? You think she was lying? I think she was. So I said like, did you really come? And she goes, yeah. And I was like, would you tell me if you were lying to me? And she goes, yeah, I came. And I was like.

All right. I'm like, you promised you'd tell me. I tell you. And then we're hanging out watching a movie and she's like, you know, it's a long drive for me home. Do you mind if I spend the night? I was like, no, spend the night. And she goes, are you sure that's OK with you? And I was like, of course. What do you tell me if you were lying? And I was like, sorry to make you come. Is that something there? I think that's something there. Yeah.

It just hits me there. Yeah, I like that. I'm trying to think of a way to make it more clear to the audience. Yeah, there's like a step is missing. Yeah. I'm so lost in the dynamics of like she has to ask you to spend the night. It's all making me stressed. She lied to him and now you have to lie to her. Right. Okay.

But that's clearly not clear in the bed. Maybe there's got to be some wording that's the same. Yeah, it's like something in between. Like if you say, ah, I'm trying to think. Maybe it's the same thing you guys say to each other. Like, yeah, babe. It's hard when you don't know the person.

I wish I had a little more sarcasm. Of course you can. Of course I did. Of course I came. Yeah, like if she says something about coming and then you say the same thing later that she said, just so that it really hits home with the audience. That's what I said. I said, she goes, are you sure? She goes, yeah. And she did the same thing to me. She goes, are you sure? But I think you need something more accentuated than are you sure. You tell me if you didn't. Yeah, like something like that.

Just so it really hits home. Because, you know, the audience, they're idiots. Well, it didn't hit with you guys either. I laughed. I laughed. Okay. Oh, come on, Mark. That was the last one. I swear to God. That was sexy. Hell yeah. I'm trying to fill the dead air here. That was hot, bro. Cut that out. Wait, but we're taking a quick pause. Can we cut in your burp after my fucking bomb of a joke? I can go if you're looking.

I think that's a bit. Okay, okay. I have one very quick joke that has been bombing that I thought was funny. All right. Let's hear it. Okay. I was saying, like, you know, it's kind of nice getting older because now I feel like I'm, like, no longer a rapist's first choice. Ha ha ha.

And so I can kind of like relax a little bit. But all the women in the front, you know, like the hot women, like then I tried to do that with a woman in the front. I'm like, but you're doing like good work, ma'am. Like I'm here for you. You're in the front lines. Right. But I think it's like. Do the women laugh or are they freaked out? I think.

I think you don't do rape jokes anymore. No, no, no. That's not true. That's a funny angle. First off, it's a funny joke. I think it needs one more line to really, because jokes that always push people a second, I think they need one tag. I think that's really funny. But I think I would say something like, I'm no longer a rapist's first choice. Now, I used to walk quickly home. Now I take my time. Now I linger. Yeah, I linger a little bit. I throw on my AirPods. It'll be fine. What about

someone who's one out of three women are sexually abused. It's like, I feel like now we have all of these like statistics and numbers like pressing down upon us. And it's like, I don't want to ever be a part of the problem that makes someone uncomfortable. You've been in LA too long. Holy shit. I think you can say that up top. You're like, man, this statistics one in three women. Oh my God. That's why I

feel good now because I'm obviously the second choice or something like that soften it a little bit yeah but let me tell you something you take that to the Midwest that joke's killing you think oh yeah that's funny these are LA crowds that are fucking like are we part of the problem if we laugh

you know what i mean where it's like it's a joke you're clearly i think are you condoning sexual assault of course not are you mocking victims no you're this is a self-deprecating joke well it's actually making me it's actually because i remember like

As a woman, you walk through society and you're like always on edge. You're like, who's going to assault me? Who is going to bother me? I mean, you could, you could, you could, what if you opened it with that? That's funny too. And then you go, and that's why I love getting older because I'm no longer. Oh, that's good. So just a little bit of context.

- That's the one thing I-- - 'Cause I think a rape joke coming out of nowhere, people are like, "What?" But if you build it up a little bit-- - That's what I'm saying. - I hear what Mark's saying. And then one more line, like, you know, something like, "I can take my time, I can, you know--" - Right, talk about the perks of getting older. - Oh, oh, I'll stop and like adjust my-- - Yeah, yeah, there you go. - My nylon, you know, like try to--

But then it's like I'm trying to woo them. I mean, come on. No, that's funny. That's funny. I mean, we're doing comedy here. I feel like we didn't help you at all, Sam, though. I'm going to come up with a wording that she says. I'm like so jarred by like coming, like all of the... I'm like putting myself in this world of like you trying to make this girl come. And like, I'm just like, I don't know. I feel it's very...

It's vulgar. That's not like a rape joke. Well, I think it was also something funny about just like 20 minutes of me going down there and her just going, I came. I'm like, it's like the end of an indie film or something. You're like, I guess that's the end. Right. That is how indie

films end they just end lost in translation credits just rolled that's a funny I'll throw that in there the credits just rolled I don't know right even if you're going she's like I came and you're like did you come she's like oh yeah that was great or that was good or something and then she's like should I stay over and you're like oh yeah that's a good idea please stay oh yeah because

You don't want her to stay either. Maybe you need to bring... That was a joke. That wasn't clearly. That was not clear. It's all... See, they helped me. It's all fair. All right. What do you got, Mark? All right. Well, mine sucks. Mine's weird. Well, mine sucked and was weird, too. Mine sucked and was weird, too. Okay. Well, mine will be weird. We all suck and are weird. All right. Well, that's a new joke. They're supposed to be new and half-baked. See, we're not afraid. Yes. We're putting our

line i love vulnerable cake and we bomb natasha they've watched us bomb so many mostly in the al franken episode but yikes they've watched us bomb so many bit ideas it's been a while we haven't done enough bits on here we should i agree and we should do more wrecks and peeves make sure we always get those in there but true give me give me a bit okay so i saw a headline that said uh

Transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner. And I thought, holy shit, where's that porn? You know, like, it's a news headline, but it feels like I've been watching porn my whole life, and it's always elaborate, you know, these ridiculous videos where you're like, that would never happen, come on, that's silly. But now I feel like I watch the news, and I'm like, this is insane. Like, I feel like when I'm an adult and I have kids, I'm gonna go turn the news off, put some porn on. Like,

Like porn has gotten so quaint now. It's like teacher has sex with student. I'm like, that's nice. You know, I like that porn has gotten quaint porn. Quaint compared to the news. The news is like Jesus, you know, like Jewish space laser, kids in cages, mass shooting. You know, it's insane. It's also funny that like teacher fuck student is just the news too. It's like, it's all so connected. Right, right.

That's true. Mark, that's definitely something. There's something there. There's something there. Like telling the kid to turn the news off. What's the headline again? Transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner. And you're like, that feels like a porn. It's like a prison trans porn, you know? And I'm like, that's just a news story. So the news has gotten so nutty that I'm like...

I like the idea that all of the school shootings and all of the, you know, everything that's all the violence and, you know, the porn is quaint. I think you got something there. Okay, that's the meat of it.

I think so. All right. Maybe... Yeah, I'm thinking of porn categories. Don't make it about trans people. No, I'm not. That was just the headline that grabbed my eye. Porn... You know, it's kind of hot. Pregnates female prisoner. I'm like picturing them in a prison, you know. It feels like a porn...

There's not really impregnate porn, is there? Oh, yeah. That's true. I used to date a guy who always wanted to fuck a pregnant woman. Or he always thought it was hot. There is pregnant porn. If you saw one in the grocery store, you would turn it off. That's a category. Is that a pregnant woman? That is a category. Why? I don't know. I know guys into pregnant women. Yeah, but why is that? Why are you into pregnant women? Because it's such a feminine. That's a woman. Big? I don't know. A belly? Voluptuous, maybe? Yeah.

Being a man must be exhausting. Are you watching The Vow? It's just like people are so... Men are so horny. This guy Keith Raniere, he's got a cult, but he's just like...

every person who comes in the cult, he's like, no, you gotta suck my dick. And it's just like, the girl was like, I knew that every time we were alone, it was my, you know, I had to immediately start sucking his dick. It's like, wow. But I think some guys, they just, they need sex. Gotta start a cult. Yeah, you said being a guy sounds exhausting. Like, that sounds pretty restful to me. I don't know. Wait, how many times a day would you guys like your dick sucked? I don't know.

Ideally. If there wasn't like a weirdness to it. You weren't having a cult. It's like Muslims with praying. I think five. No, I'm joking. I'd be good with one, I think. One a day? One is good. You don't want to abuse it. I think if you do it too much, it's not going to be special anymore, you know? So one a day. And then what about jerk off? Is that like if you don't get the dick sucked once a day, are you probably trying to jerk off once a day? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'd probably jack off once a day. Okay. Two on the road. Because you got that extra time. You got the extra time and you want to just... That sweet internet access. Yeah, exactly. I want to be clear-headed for the show, too. And does jacking off help you be clear-headed? It helps me from making a bad decision on the road. That's what I was getting at. Then you don't fuck

the the fans or the well yeah i remember i was talking to a comic once he's married now and he was like how do you not cheat on the road i was like i just jack off a lot and he helps and he was like yo that's fucking genius and i was like that never that never occurred to you to just jack off that was uh whoa that was adam levine he didn't take my advice um wait he's the guy who just um

Was he like DMing the porn star? He's got a Victoria's Secret model wife, I believe. Well, but did you know what he did? He DMed the girl he was cheating on his Victoria's Secret model wife with and asked her. They were fucking, then they stopped. Then he asked her, do you mind if my wife is pregnant? Do you mind if we name the kid after you? Oh, that was it.

He liked the name Sumner. Sumner. Damn. And so they named, yeah. He was fucking Sumner Redstone? That's crazy. Who's that? It's like the head of Icon, right? It's like 95. Oh, okay. Pull up a picture of him. The joke works with a picture mark. Oh, it's a guy. Oh, okay. That's even better. But that's pretty fucked up.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's quite a move. Man, if we had this picture during that joke, I said it would have been pretty fun. Damn. If we had a time machine. Look at that guy. I'm just saying. That's classic. I wonder who he thinks. That guy makes Orville Redenbacher look handsome. He had a fucking, he had a young ass wife, obviously. I mean, I'm trying to think like. Oh, there you go. There she goes. Same cheekbones. I don't know what work he had done, but it like suckled the face and the neck. He's actually taking diabetes medicine. Yeah, look at that shit.

Imagine fucking him. I was thinking the other day, like, I don't like big tits necessarily. He's got them. But in a woman, like, if you don't have big tits, you pretty much can't be an A-list actress or marry a billionaire. That's not true. They all want big tits. You can be an A-list actress. What A-list actress has A boobs? I don't know, Matt. Look it up. Selma Blair? I don't know if she's A-list.

Claire Danes. Claire Danes might have small boobs. Okay. Look up hot actors with small tits. Keira Knightley. Natalie Portman. Boom. Okay. All right. All right. Your search history is going to be really weird for that wife later. Charlize Theron does not have small tits. She's just a tall lady. These are just like- Those are- No, but Cameron Diaz does not have small tits. Okay. Okay.

Look at that. That's Keira Knightley. All right. Her, I believe. Miley Cyrus? I mean, that's just a picture of her as a child. She has some more tits.

Okay, well, you know, marrying a billionaire? Marrying, but you might have us there. Okay, all right. Oh, Keri Russell, she was pretty. But those are not, that's... That's a bra, that's a push-up bra. Keri Russell was hot, dude. She's probably still really hot. Probably. Oh, yeah, Gwyneth Paltrow. I like a small boob. Oh, Kate Hudson's got real small ones. Small tits definitely age better than big tits, for sure. But, you know. Small boobs. All the models have small boobs. What?

Just... snapping. The agreeance snap. He's pretending he's in fucking West Side Story right now. Just snapping at Noah. I can't believe I haven't been talking to the bartender enough. Address him as the beer Jew, please. Yes. The beer Jew? It's a long story. Okay.

Kanye named him. I'm not at all. Well, there's the beer Jew in Glorious Bastards. He's a big burly man, so we just called him the beer Jew. Okay, well, I really appreciate you going to all this effort for our drinks. Look at him. There's vibes. Eli Roth. He's a hunk, huh?

You like Jewish men? No, no. That's who we're basing him on. Oh, okay. I didn't see that movie. He beats up Nazis. Yeah, there was something else I was going to ask you about and now I fucking lost it. You wrote a book. You're not on the road. No, I have a tour, but by the time you hear this. Oh, it's over. Okay. What about Peeves? Do you have any Peeves? Oh, yeah. Good question. The booze is going to my head. We've been drinking all day. Mark and I. Franken. I have a recommendation. Please. Okay.

Three words. Ooh, movie? It's a movie. Oh, okay. We're doing charades. Triangle of Sadness. I hear it's great. I don't know this one. It was so good. Pull it up. It was definitely my kind of movie. Like very like class commentary, but comedy. I mean, that's not a great picture.

I've heard the movie's incredible. It was so good, and it just reminded me what... Did you ever see Force Majeure? Yes. Same director and writer. About the guy who, like, there's a snowstorm coming, and then instead of saving his family, he grabs his cell phone. Right. Brilliant. They remade it. Wasn't that good? But great social commentary. Really amazing, funny...

I loved it. All right. And I kind of hate everything. Yeah, yeah. Are you a hater? For sure. I just did Drew Barrymore, and she's one of those people who...

She's just like, she can't say negative things. She's like female Jimmy Fallon, kind of. As a comedian, it is so hard to like... Because everything I want to say is dark, you know? Yeah, of course, same. And it's just like, to get out of that... It is refreshing being around people like that. But I do... I am so drawn to the darkness. I am too. I think most comedians are, you know? And I think that...

You know, it's just... Why is it only 69%? That was such a good movie. I don't believe this stuff. No, that shit's off. There's nothing funny about like, well, isn't this great? I mean, that's literally why we do peeves on this podcast. But they're not trying to be funny. People aren't trying to be funny. That's what it is, yeah. They're just like trying to connect. No, that's my point, though. But that's why we're like, as comics, we're drawn to like complaints. Complaining's therapeutic. Complaining's funny. Yeah.

And we have to be very conscious while we're complaining to not be a drain because there's nothing fucking worse than being cornered by a person at a party who's just a drain. Yes. I read that the royal family, that their motto in life is never complain, never explain. Whoa. And I was like, whoa, if you could do that-

That would be so epic. You might become royal. Yeah, yeah, or divorced. My lady would hate that. She complains a lot. You've been married for four days, Mark. I know, it's terrifying. But we both complain, and she's always like, I don't know what you mean. You've got to talk to me, because I'm a psycho who bottles everything up, and she's a normal person who's like, no, let's talk about it. I'm like, talk about it? No, we'll just go through life being miserable.

No, you gotta talk about it. You gotta talk about it. So she's getting me through it. I never went on a vacation until I met her. When you, it makes me, you know, it's like, you know, like speaking in I statements, this kind of helps instead of like accusing, accusing, accusing. Right, right. I feel like

scripts help me to communicate sometimes like when I was navigating my relationship with Moshe sometimes I would be like I'll just call you and we'll have this talk and I would have like bullet points you know sometimes you just have to like get the right script that's like not accusatory not gonna set them off you know it's like there's a way to all right dictatedly manipulate people I like that it

Yeah. Kind of sophisticatedly manipulate. This I'm going to see because I'm worried about movies. You should definitely go see it. Movies are in a bad place right now. The new Martin McDonagh is supposed to be really good too. What's that? Banshees. What's it called again? Pull it up. A lot of good horror out now and I'm not a huge horror guy. Well, horror is the new comedy. Exactly. I haven't seen this. The Banshees of... Isherin? Yeah, it's Martin McDonagh who did like Ambrose. Oh, it's like a sequel. I've seen his... He had a play recently that I saw. He's awesome. He's so good. Yeah.

Oh, good. I'll watch that. We're going to see that. We're going to see Triangle of Sadness. I like the new Neil Brennan special. I saw that in Montreal. It was amazing. Very funny. Hey, he ended on something serious. Yeah, that was weird. But the jokes were great.

No, we love Neil. We'll have him on. Yeah, Neil's coming on soon. We love Neil. Check out his special. I got a piece for you. Hit me. People posting photos on social media and just the caption being like, so this happened. Yeah, we know. That's the fucking picture. That's the photo. We saw. No one's commenting. I'm confused. We know what fucking happened. Right. For some reason, that bugs me. I'm with you. I'm with you. What about when people are like,

Something really big's about to happen. I'm posting it Wednesday. Big announcement. You guys like that? No, because it's never big. It's never good. Sometimes it's big. Something big's coming next day. I'm getting divorced. Things are bad for me. It is big. That's pretty big. That I would be interested in. Something bad's happening. Something bad's coming. I got another P for you. Not every fucking murderer deserves a true crime on Netflix. No.

Every fucking one. And they stretch it too. Sometimes I'm watching something and I'm like, why are there six episodes of this? Oh my god, the bodybuilding woman, Sally. I watched that. I watched it. I fucking hated this woman before I knew she was a murderer. She was a little slow. This woman's not interesting and then she murdered her husband. I'm like, still not interesting. So you should do this bit instead of the one where the girls really come. I might. I might have to. You should do both.

I fucking hate it, dude. Yeah, that was a weak one. Are you boys on TikTok? I am. I pay a guy to do mine. I mean, I've just been starting to do it. Speaking of peeves, because, oh, she is quite something. Oh, yeah. So she's a murderer? I'm actually interested now. Well, her husband was abusive. Would you let her do squats on your face? Yes. All right.

Now. There aren't a lot of, how many female murderers are there? Not enough. Are you kidding? There's women who kill. My wife watches all these female murderer shows. That's how women do it. I don't know if she deserves a pose. She's a murderer and the fucking poster is this. She was a Marine. I know, but I don't know if you deserve the cover of your murder. It looks very heroic. Right.

You're not in Rambo 2. You murdered your husband that you have kids with. That's not a picture of Dahmer with an American flag behind him. Just like this. Yeah. He's playing volleyball at the beach. But yeah, yeah. There's too many murder docs. They're scraping the barrel. Do you have a recommendation? Oh, let me see.

I got a million peeves and now I'm blanking on them. Well, I just had a wedding, so... How was your wedding? It was great. Beautiful wedding. My lady planned for months and months and we fought over it and we spent a ton of money and all that and it turned out great. My thing, if anyone's planning a wedding, was always just get the cheapest option. Really? Because they'd be like, here's what... Well, not with the wine, but like...

every there's so many decisions yeah do you want white chairs do you want brown chairs do you want bamboo chairs and like everything's like an uptick you know oh yeah when everyone's sitting in the chairs it doesn't matter ah here here here you should I wish you would talk to her she went the exact opposite route uh I mean it happens and I did it in some ways but like sure you know I had a food truck I was just

Mark, you look so... Look at Ari. Drunk Ari on shrooms on the right. Wait, Mark, you wore such a cool outfit, too. That's red velvet. You guys look so cute. Look at those cufflinks, baby. Why don't men ever wear anything besides a dumb black suit? I went for it.

There's style forcing oral sex on Ari. I was going to say, this does not look like. No, that's post rehearsal time. No, that was the day. You got a gorgeous wife? I mean, come on. We're all surprised. She was mail order. It wasn't cheap. There you go. There's Joe List. List singing Springsteen. That was fucking great. What was your bachelor party? Did you have one? We went to Florida.

and with Bert and got after it. Yeah. I wish I was there. You let Bert be in charge of your aftercare? Well, we didn't let him. He took over. But it was fun. I mean, I'm sure you traveled in style. We had a great time. Yeah. That's all I'll say. Great, great wedding. We buried a few ladies. Yeah.

Just kidding. Remember that movie, Very Bad Things? Oh, yeah. Christian Slater. Yes. That was a big cast. That was a fucking dark. Imagine trying to sell that now. We kill a stripper in Vegas, and then we all turn on each other. And the lead is Jeremy Piven. It's based on a true story. Well, your wife is gorgeous. I'm a lucky guy. I loved her wedding look. Yes, good look. Headband, cleavage, you name it.

A girl I was talking to at one point grabbed her headband. I'm like, crazy. You're crazy. I did my Norman voice. Yeah, that'll do it. At the end, I went, marriage. It was fun. Did you make your wedding funny?

A little. We had Sean Patton do the officiating. Killed it. He was great. And Joe List gave a funny speech. See, I had a traditional Jewish wedding, and Moshe was mad that I was kind of like, I had to do a dance where I dance around him. And he was like, oh, you kind of made it funny. But it's so hard to not do something funny. And it's such a serious event. So you're a Jew. You converted, right? I did. Whoa.

I mean, that's a big deal. It's not easy to convert to Judaism. That's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. And now that I have a kid and Christmas is coming and she's five, I'm like, ooh. You can have Christmas, though. What was I doing? You can have both. Yeah. Hey, we got the Hanukkah song. Okay, would you be okay if you had a Christmas tree? Yeah. He's not going to marry a Jew.

Let's be honest. Ah, okay. That's not true. Come on. I might. No, you guys would clash. Two annoying people going at it. You need a little yin and yang. Oh, you marry a girl who converts for you. Wouldn't that make you feel like a man? Yeah. That's a move.

Baby, you better fucking become a Jew for me. You know what? A real power move is getting a Muslim to become a Jew for me. Give up everything. Now we're talking. Give it all up for me. Palestine coming in. No, you know what? I think...

I would marry a Jew. I would also marry a non-Jew. But I do want. Here's the thing. What about a black? We'll get it. We'll get a menorah for Hanukkah. But I'm cool with a Christmas tree. And also the kids are going to be Jewish if I'm the dad. Let's be real. They're going to pick up on a lot of shit. A lot of Judaism is cultural. That's true. Taste and mannerisms and behavior. Did you have Shabbat growing up? No, we weren't that religious. See, he's a very loose Jew.

I'm a loose Jew. A loo. Yeah. Someone's seen my butthole. I just can't wait for your kids. Four-year-old. My back. What did I eat? Baby food's room temp. He falls off the jungle gym. Oh, I got a herniated disc in my neck. Fuck. And my digestion. I think I'm the only comic who has Pepto-Bismol on his rider. Yeah.

Do you really? I do. I have caviar for two in my rider. What? And no one's ever given it to me. That's hilarious. Yeah, right there. Tell that to Eddie Griffin. How do you get the pent up? Well, we do do a drinking podcast. I have chugged that many times before we have to drink on this because sometimes we come and hung over and I'm like, dude, Mark and I had spicy Chinese food the night before we drank.

You know, it is one of those things. So you literally will drink Pepto? Yeah. Rick Glassman gives me endless shit for this. He's like, you should be taking peppermint pills. I'm like, dude. Peppermint pills? What is he, your uncle? He out-Jewed me. You should just drink every other night. No, we don't do it every night, but we try. It's an addiction. You can't just tell a heroin addict. Yeah, we got a problem. I'll tell you, we got a real problem here. You're right. I just realized every baby is Jewish. You bring them to a restaurant, they're like, oh.

They spit up. They hate the food. You just come up with that? Yeah, that's my bit for the week. The baby. Send it back. Yeah. I don't like it. You guys are funny. You're funny. We're fans. We're glad you came through this week. Great to have you. I'm literally, this is how much we want you on the pod. I'm moving in the mornings.

And I was like, I want Natasha in here. Aw, well, thank you for having me. No, we're glad you're here. Yeah. Buy the book. See Natasha on tour. Check out her podcast. Yeah, Endless Honeymoon's hilarious. But this is all in November. Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero have a podcast together called Endless Honeymoon. They give you advice. It's good advice. We have a Secrets Hotline.

line where you can call in leave your deepest darkest secrets you can also just go to youtube and you can get all the information if you can hear me uh above mark burping last one uh you keep saying that it's like you're like okay sorry it's cute hey you know what you just got married so you're living your life you got that right obviously it's okay with her oh she's a farter

Anna Kwefer wait she has farted in front of you and you've only been married for four days she was farting in front of me a weekend that's how I knew she was the one

Well, that's good. Yeah. She was sitting on my face all the time. Stop it. It was a fun gag. I gagged. Now we know this one's run its course. It was a literal gag. Yeah, there you go. Buy her book, The World Deserves My Children. Where can you get it? You know, wherever you get your books. Amazon, Barnes and Nobles. Just go to my website. Hell yeah. NatashaLeggero.com Definitely.

Definitely. Hilarious comic. Make sure to pick up a bottle. Bodega Cat Whiskey, folks. That's our whiskey. Our whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. I will be at Tacoma, Spokane, Oklahoma City. And then bigger tour stars, New Orleans, Austin, Tulsa, Dallas, St. Louis. The I Will Never Meet a Woman Tour. Ha ha ha!

Las Vegas. He's bringing his Pepto, ladies. Seattle. Portland. Salt Lake. Atlantic City. Royal Oak. This is quite a tour. Minneapolis. Madison. Milwaukee. New Haven. Boston. It's like you just had a newborn. Ah.

Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville, Norfolk, D.C., Wilkes Bar in Portchester, and we'll add more soon. Holy shit. That's a lot of dates. Samorelle.com slash shows. Loving it. Hey, we're in Buffalo. We're at Cobb's Comedy Club. We're at the Wilbur. We're at Zaney's. We're at the Blue Note in Hawaii, and then I got to update my website because my-

My website person's a pothead. But we'll get on it. MortonNormanComedy.com? Oh, yeah. I'm in Miami. I'm coming everywhere. It's going to be fun. It'll be a good time. Can't wait. Praise Allah. Love you, beard you. What do you got to promote, buddy?

All I got to promote right now is I'm at Say Less right now and Paper Plane NYC for all your hospitality needs. Are you like a traveling bartender? I'm a bartender and bar consultant so I can help you build your bars. Come hit me up. By the way, speaking of bars and liquor...

Specs in Texas. Over 200 liquor stores carrying Bodega Cat right now. Just legalized in Texas. It's moving. Yep. Bodega Cat's spreading. I think by the end of December, this shit's going to be legal in New York City and hopefully you can drink it at the Comedy Cellar very soon. It's going to be everywhere. And shout out to Gotham Studios, Matt Peters for everything. We fucking love you. Akoi, everybody here. Salicues. Salicues. The whole gang. Natasha. Natasha. We love you. And...

And all right, we'll see you guys very soon. Comedy. Sunday's the day for my next offender. In the same way. Above the roof like a dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in Newark. This woman does look like I remember.