Ep 105: Bobby Kelly & Liz Furiati
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There you go. Bobby Kelly in studio. Oh, hey, we're here. Let's start the show off on a nice note. One of our friends is dead. Here's a GoFundMe. Ah, yeah. Well, we got to plug it, you know? Yeah, you do. We love you, Steve. I mean, they're almost there. Here's the problem with GoFundMe. They always, no matter how much they do it, they do too low. Right. You got to just drop a mil. They're already at 100 grand.

If you put a mil, you would have got 500 grand. So does it stop? Like if I give a thousand dollars, it'll just not do it? It keeps going. But when I look at it, I'm like, look, I'm out. Right. You got what you wanted. The bar was too low for the kindness. They always put the bar too low. Aim higher. Yeah. Well, Steve, if you don't know, is our beloved head of security at the Comedy Cellar and a great guy. Great guy. Was there 22 years? Yeah. Yeah.

Dante put this up. His cut is 40%. And then another 10 goes to CAA. Yeah. Dante's going to roll up on a new motorcycle. He's going to have a new earring, like some type of gazelle bone earring, a real rhino tusk earring. How does he do it? Every time I show up at a club, he's parked insanely illegally, and he never gets towed, never gets a ticket. He's got a giant Jeep on jacked up tires. That's how you do it.

Is that the secret? 100%. Not one ticket. Pull up in a Hyundai, and they're going to give you a ticket. You pull up in an apocalypse vehicle, and you look like a- Mad Max vibe, for sure. Mad Max vibe. And he literally has animal bones sticking out of parts of his body. He does, yeah. He's an ex-pimp, right? Yeah, he's an ex-pimp and a stripper. He was a stripper.

What? Dude, he was a male stripper. Wow. He would smack himself when he got out of line. With his own cock. Yeah. That's crazy to be a stripper. That's like a crazy job. I got asked to do it once. Really? Young Bobby? Sexy Bobby. Oh, thank God. Sexy Bobby was a stripper? This girl who I knew was a stripper.

And we used to tan together when I went tanning. Sexy Bobby had to go tan. You got to go tan. Listen, you got to play the role. If you're going to go in, you go in. I'm going to wear tight jeans and a wife beater and not tan. Yeah, you don't want to be pale with the veins. Yeah. I'm going to have tan arms and then some farmer shit. So you lay in one of the beds with the little things on your eyes. Fuck the little things. I went in and get those cancer eyes. I manned up. Yeah.

I had two little dots on my butt. I don't know if you know when you go tan and when your bone presses against it doesn't tan. So you have a little, all tanning people have two little dots and they're white dots in their butt. Yeah, we used to tan together. She came up one day, she goes, can I ask you something? I was like, what? She goes, I dance, I strip and I do private stuff.

But sometimes they want bachelorette parties and stuff, and I'll do... We'll do like a... I like they want a couples thing. Would you do that with me? I was like, did you just ask me to strip? Wow. Nice. That's a compliment. It was a compliment. Did you think about it? For two seconds, my... Rob and Patrick Kelly, I don't have the peace...

I don't have a piece to be stripping. The Irish curse. Yeah. Plus, back then, I got hard too quick. You know what I mean? I just got hard at anything. So I would just show up just with a rod, just like a five and a half inch or just sticking out of my little gold-made G-string. Five and a half? That's not terrible. No, I mean, yeah. For your height, that's all right. It's not bad. It's not bad.

When I was a kid, we had a strip club, and if you turned 18, they'd bring you on stage, and all the girls would dance on you, and if you got a boner, you'd have to pay. But if you didn't get a boner... You were gay. Yeah. You had to pay later in life to your father. You had to suck the owner's dick. That's how I met Mateo. Well, that's like, you go to those... Remember Bachelor Party, the two strippers in Bachelor Party? Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

Liz. Wow, look who's late tonight. Wow, you're late. This is who's late. Is that Godfrey? Is that Sherrod? This is weird. Jeez Louise. It's fun because you yelled us for being late and now you're late. I know. Dude, what the? You don't like Midtown? Why is your clubhouse in the middle of hell? What the fuck?

It's unbelievable. I'd rather do this in the favelas of Brazil. You're just like the free prostitutes in Brazil. That's true. Not free, but very cheap. Very cheap. Basically free. Basically free if you're American. Great. Good to have you. You both drove in, that's why. Yeah, but...

But we're regular people. I didn't think it was going to take fucking 45 minutes in an Uber to get here. Wow. 45. Take a train. The train takes three minutes. Not all of us have Van Wilder just walking through the city every day. I got it. Is that what he did? I don't know. That's what Van Wilder did. I think he was like a college party guy. I just love Ryan Reynolds. I like to squeeze him in where I can. But sometimes it doesn't work. He's very cute.

By the way, we had his gin here, Aviation Gin, and when Phil Hanley was on, he's a gin snob. I only drink Monkey 47. Monkey whatever. I only drink that. So we literally got Aviation Gin, that bottle. That's all we had. And we just put a fake sticker of Monkey 47. And he had none.

the water I've never seen I've never seen this bottle before and we're like we never told him he just drank gin they were like this is a great drink we're like hey you fucking piece of shit he's a fake snob there you go first of all Canadian hack I mean it's hack at this point we love Patrice it's our wall of death it's just dead people oh these are all dead people it's all dead people you were almost on there oh Bobby oh Bobby

You have half a picture of Keith up here? Just a silhouette. He was booked a month ago. He's still not here. He's working. This area of town sucks. I know you got a deal or whatever it is. I don't know what happened. This, to get here, if you don't live in this city, stinks. The train is up there. You can't take the train. You'll get murdered.

I took it with me. I should have fucking just taken the goddamn A train. We're taking the train back. Clearly. Yes. As you should. Leave the car. Come back another day. I took a loan out to park the car over here. How much was the parking? It's a hundred something bucks. Probably. We'll pay for it. I got it down to 55. I gave him a hand job. Did you? Yeah. Young Bobby, dude. Yeah. Young Bobby.

Bobby. Yeah, he had uncircumcised, so I knocked him down another 10. I was like, that's gross. I'm not doing that. He was like, okay. Dude, look at that. Look at that hair you have. Yeah, that's American Indian Bobby right there. Wow, Theo Vaughn looks good. Yeah, that's sexy Bobby. A little after that, though, when I had my... And you took it down, I think. What? What?

I don't know. The what? The seller photo. The sexy one. Oh, that's a hot pic? Hot Bobby? Hot Bobby's still there. No, no. Estee likes to rearrange. Well, I got... You know where I am with Estee. I love you in the E Street band. What is that? No, that's Rock and Roll Bobby. Toxic rock. Dude, what about Eyebrow Bobby? Pointing Eyebrow Bobby. What is that? That's sexy ball Bobby. That's hot. Who is...

That's, oh. Oh, damn. There's Puerto Rico Bobby. Puerto Rico Bobby. How did you get your beard like that? Dude, it took a lot. If you fucked it up, you had to start over too. Wow, did you do it with a switchblade? Yeah. Ha ha ha.

It's so nice. Yeah, look at that. I'm hanging myself because I'm so disgusted with my- You do look like the hot dude in prison there. Oh, yeah. Fucking smoking hot. You got great skin. Look at those cheekbones. I do. I do have great skin. I think my great-great-grandmother fucked a Filipino woman. Nice.

Yeah. How many women do you think you've laid in your day? Yeah. How many have you bedded? At the cellar? Bobby? Yeah, let me tell you. Oh, my God. That's for first. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Colonel curse. I'm going to stop you. That's doctored. Now I'm fat. Somebody did something to that. He needs a doctor. Oh, my God. That's not.

- No. - That was real. - No. - That was real, that's real. - That's Brando. - Yeah. - That's in, I, can you make some more noise? I feel like I'm in a shitty comedy club right here. - Oh my God. - Fucking traffic, I got this fucking shidrool shaking a fucking drink. - The blender's next. - I'm sorry buddy, take your time. Yeah, those are all, that's Dr., that's Dr. - No, no way. - No, what is that? - That's a good image, that's real Bobby. - Oh no, that's real, that's that.

fat i was gonna die you were gonna die i went on the wall anyway you should be happy i want old bobby dead that's not a doctor that's you need to go to a doctor yeah yeah i did and go to you and get my stomach thank god dude cut down yeah was that scary what get my stomach yeah yeah tell us everything you got the operation was terrifying because you know you want to do it i did it tried to do it for years i couldn't do it so finally i was like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna do this thing but it takes a while you have to

you can't just go in and get it some doctors do that but if you have a doctor that's like yeah come in Tuesday I'll cut your stomach up you're don't do it right he answers his own phone yeah and it's there's a lot of people yo what's up what's your dude yo dude I saw you special I'll be in midtown what's up fatty I don't want my doctor knowing my like following me on Instagram but um

There's people that have done it. It's like being gay because all these people have done it that I know, but they're not out. I came out. Good for you. Thank you very much. I can't wait for you to do it. It's the same with the hair plugs. A lot of guys hide the hair plugs. I was going to say it's like the hair shit, right? Soda and Mateo are very open about it. Oh, yeah. Soda got them.

Oh yeah, he talks about it. Well, now he's out. Now he's out. It's in his act. It's in his act. Oh, okay, okay, okay. You're that guy that outed the kid by accident growing up. He's a Jew. Get him. I feel bad for Mateo. I think I was the cause of Mateo getting hair plugs. No, no, no. What? Mateo was as bald as you are. Well, he was going, one day we were getting in. I didn't notice it. We were getting into it. He always yelled at the right way. That shit was. One day we were getting into it and I was like, listen, buddy.

Your hair is going. You did say that. If you gain eight pounds, you're out of the business. You're done. I made it like this. You did say that. I felt bad about that too. He's such a funny guy. And a hunk. He's a hunk. You have a perfectly shaved head. There's no chance. My mother takes care. She rolled me every 20 minutes in the crib.

I swear to God. Really? Every 20 minutes, you're supposed to roll the baby. If you just let the baby sit. I don't know about that shit. If you see a dude with a flat back head, his mother didn't care about him. Oh, no. She just was smoking cigarettes on the front porch talking to Helen. Why a flat head? I got a waterfall back here. It goes straight off a cliff. Your parents didn't care about you. Yeah, your mom does give great head. But yeah. She has a mediocre head. Yeah.

I'm pumped for these. Beer G, what are we drinking? I hope it's fucking good. Espresso martinis. Oh, God. Wow, looks great. Breakfast. I mean, this guy's real. Oh, he's a mixologist. I mean, look at that fucking apron, man. He paid money for that shit. Yeah, he's got steampunk jewelry and everything, right?

There's leather on that. Holy shit. What's going on with the rings there? What do those say? They don't say anything. They just say, don't fuck with me. Oh, shit. Well, there you go. That's the end of that fun. He doesn't have an excess of the rings on. They're fucking with each other. They're tougher than a guy in an apron. You can't fuck with a guy with a hairline like that. That's a beautiful Russian head of hair. That is legit. Are you Russian? Yes, I am. Oh, perfect. This is great. And Ukrainian, so don't.

Oh, great. That's awesome. He's the guy you want in a comedy podcast. He's the guy who's going to spice things up. I dare you to say you don't like that drink. You got the little bean in the top, too. The garnish. Oh, that's great, man. Well done. This is fancy. Thank you very much. Now what do you do for the rest of the time?

To Bobby's health. All right. Let's toast to Bobby's health. Thank you so much. Thank you for being back. We love you. We're so glad to hear it. Glad you're healthy. New special out. Check out his new special. Killbox on LouisCK.com. Yes. One of the funniest dudes in comedy. One of the hardest follows. Please check this out. LouisCK.com. Oh, shit. That's so good. There's cinnamon. Sorry. I got distracted by the cinnamon. Hey, Liz, you want to shut up while they're doing my plug? No, no, no. I got distracted by the cinnamon. Holy shit. What an ass. Oh, my God. Out of anybody.

who supports me. It tastes like cake. This is so weird. Bobby, you would have been distracted too. This is delicious. Oh, this is really alcohol and food. This is what you want to do to me on this podcast? Oh, that's delightful. Why don't you bring us? So sweet. That is ridiculous. No dairy at all. Wow.

I'm going to need another one. Oh, yeah. Mark sees Liz last night at the cellar. He's like, do you think you can handle day drinking? As he's saying it, she's got an Aperol Spritz this tall. I think so, yeah. Oh, no, actually, it was a martini. It was a big martini. Yesterday was a martini day. She was drinking a pint glass martini. Oh, yeah. And it was not her first, I don't think. No, and you were in the basement alone. The second. I got to come back. You know I haven't worked a cellar in over a year. What?

I have been on the seller stage in over a year. Why? Is this because of the operation? No, no, no, no. Because I went away for the summer. I've been on the road. I got a family. It's like I go and I do Tuesdays, and I don't need to...

you know friday and saturday night i've been on the road for months and then you come home and you want to spend the friday and saturday covid fucked and ruined me yeah up until then i was i was there at least yeah three times a week on weekends if i had a weekend off i'd be there at least four or five shows i i lost like i don't even know how to be funny anymore like i don't know how to write a joke i have a bunch of things that i write down but i don't know how to take it

I don't know how it becomes a joke anymore. Come on. You'll get it right back. You go up two, three times. You just put out a special. I did a special, but I have nothing left. Yeah, but that's how you always feel after a special. You just put out one out too. It's the worst feeling in the world. I got gigs coming up. Fear is good. I think it's a good motivator. It's good to have nothing because you have to figure it out. You have no choice but to figure it out.

Yeah, I think so. I guess so. I mean, but it's a fuck. Like, I got to go this weekend to Cleveland. And it's like. Oh, yeah. Hilarities? Hilarities. Top five club in the country. Top five? I think it's in there. Great club. First one.

We're not, we don't count the, can't count cellar or lake clubs. I'm talking like road clubs. Side splitters. Side splitters in the mix. Solid. I would say top five. Bobby loves that. Great club. I love it. I love side splitters, but hilarities is like,

Like, it's... Everybody loves Hilarity. Hilarity is great. Comedy works, I would say, but comedy works in Denver? Yeah. Yeah, but she don't work me no more, so I gotta take her out of my head. So, she's gone. I love Wise Guys in Utah. I don't know. Isn't that weird? I have no idea. That is the worst. I mean, work there consistently, great club...

It was cool, but then... It's funny because we're all going to have beef with one of these clubs. I love Madison. Love Madison. Top five. Yeah. Top five. Hilarity has got to be in there. Top five. Okay, top five. Top five. But then there's a couple sleepers like Utah. I love Utah. What does that one call? Wise Guys. That's a great club. Wise Guys. He's the fucking man. I love that club. Wise Guys is a great club. Tempe Improv is solid.

I don't know. I just did CB Live and I liked it. Oh, really? I really liked that club. I just did Stand Up Live. I love all those. I like those three clubs. Phoenix is cool, man. Stand Up. That's all brands. We won't have balls. Let's talk about the top five suck clubs right now. Oh.

I remember a club I did called Looney's with two E's. Colorado Springs. Wow. One of those clubs where all week the guy was like, you gonna drink? And I was like, I'm just not feeling great. He goes, come on, have a beer, you pussy. And I was like, all right, fine. So I started drinking. Then he hands me a bill for all the drinks. Same thing happened to me at the Funny Farm. I'm working the club. Yeah. Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio. Suck my ass.

That guy, he upsold me. He's like, you got to get the swordfish. And he's like, here's a good wine that goes with the swordfish. I'm like, okay, you know, I'm the comic here. And then he gives me a bill for 200 bucks. No way. Holy shit. That was like half my pay. Jesus Christ. Youngstown, Ohio, famous for their swordfish. Yeah, exactly. They're good. Landlocked. What is it? Any club with the guy's name in front of it? Vinnie Brand. Vinnie Brand.

Nah, Stress Factory's solid. I love Stress Factory, yeah. Not Bridgeport, but. Oh, that one, holy shit. If you do Bridgeport, Stress Factory, at least one show, you're going to get near attacked. There's going to be heckling that borders on the point. I mean, I got chased off stage in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Really? At the little Bijou Theater. Someone chased me off the fucking stage. They were right. At Vinny's Club?

No, it was at a different venue, but it's like, that's the vibe. Bridgeport's tough. Well, they keep saying, oh, dude, it's coming back. It's not. Where's the camera? That camera? It's not coming back. Guess what, Connecticut, Bridgeport, you're what you are. You're like my mother. You ain't ever going to change. That's it. That's it. That's a man who's in therapy right there. Yeah, he's got it right. It's not coming back. It's not coming back. I don't care how many brew houses. They think.

they had a brew house and a nice breakfast place with lesbians and said, town's coming back. That only happens in New Hampshire. Right. That only happens in the woods. In Vermont. Portsmouth, New Hampshire is like a cute little city. Portsmouth is great. It happens in woodsy towns. Yeah. You can't take an urban city that fell down. You can't make Detroit

you can't take a couple gays and three lesbians and make Detroit have a big comeback. Yeah, they can save a neighborhood, but not a city. Yeah, you can save a neighborhood with a piece of pizza. Right. You can save a certain section. Detroit pizza's underrated. Yeah, but you can't walk out the door. You have to get right into your car. Yeah, right. Seamless. That's what you do. Let him get shot. I'm not doing it. Yeah, you can't. You know,

Always be the first person to walk out. Never be the middle person. It's like snakes. The middle guy gets bit. Is that right? Yeah, dude. When you come out of a place in a bad neighborhood, get to the car. All right. Don't be the second or third guy because that's the guy they're like, go, go, go, go, go. I think the first person is the guy who gets bit. Yeah, right? No. I thought it was the first, yeah. No, no, no, no. When you're outside and you see a gang of kids or something like that, they're going to notice.

right? They're going to be like, yeah, man, fuck that. What the fuck? What's this shit? You're by there at the car. You're second. You're just talking about how you grew up. They're going to go to you, hey, and you'll go, what? Huh? Come here. What? And you'll walk over. I don't know why we just walk over. You ever have somebody do that? Some fucking lunatic go, come here for a second. You walk over. What? What's wrong? I've been there. And then they knock the books out of your hand. Yeah, because they don't have, they've never been beaten up. It doesn't, in their head, they're not like,

This guy might need some help. Right. Did you ever do that when you were a kid? Like, hey, hey, come here. And then kick the shit out of someone? 100%. Yeah. Really? That's why you know it's the middle class. And I feel, I still feel bad about, because let me just say this. I got beat up a lot. I got really abused by kids a lot. I got beat up all the time. I used to have to hide in sixth grade.

I would I was full we were all wrestling one day and one of the kids got hurt and he told his older brothers that were in seventh and eighth grade oh shit they all would every day for months I would I would have to they would dismiss us I would go into the bathroom and hide look out the window and you'd see kids in the bushes waiting for me and then I'd hide under the stairs until like three

And then I'd make my way home. Every day I walked home with fear like I was going to get killed. That's so sad. Until seventh grade. And then seventh grade, this kid used to, I mean, I used to get picked on, bullied. And there's one blonde kid. It's always like a ginger, yellow teeth and braces, that fucking Christmas story douchebag. Yeah, the white trash kid. Yeah, it's always that just Irish asshole. Right. Right.

He got me in the hallway, but I broke my wrist and I had a cast on my wrist. You broke it hitting him? No, I broke my wrist playing. Then he had a weapon. He got me in the hallway. I was going to the bathroom and he got me in between the stairs and then there's the door and then the hallway to the classes. So yeah, he got me in there and I got so...

So it all just came out. I just started beating the fuck out of him with my cast. Nice. Until it was bloody. Damn. And he was crying. And I walked away. And I go, don't ever fuck with me again. Nobody ever did. And I went back to class and I was just shaking. And then over the PA you hear, anybody with a cast on their right arm, please report to the office. So I went to the office. It was like two other kids with cast crying. And I walked in with blood all over my eyes. I was like, I did it.

Whoa. That's a tough lineup right there to get out of. Yeah. Yeah, no, I did that stuff. And then I hung out with kids. I mean, the kids I hung out with, I was 13 hanging out with 30 year olds. Damn. And I was hanging out at parks with these, I mean, drug addicts. I was like Epstein or Spacey. Which one's he going to pick? I was just watching. Yeah, dude, I got beat up a lot. We used to drink. Yeah.

At my park, we'd have potion night. So the oldest guy. Just like Kevin Spacey. That's actually Bill Cosby. The guy would go down. Everybody would give all your money, $1, $5, whatever. You give it to the big guy, Mikey Katz. He would go down, 30-year-old guy. He'd go down and buy mudslide mixes, all kinds of mixed drinks. They called it potion night. He would come back, and you'd get cheese cups, and he would mix all these like you. He was you, except he murdered me.

people. Not that you don't murder people. I understand. He's killed a few hookers. Tell about your fucking John Wick beard. But he would make drinks and he'd give you a drink and he'd walk around and when he'd go, here's how we know how, you had to drink, you had to trug it. What's a cheese cup? Cheese cup. Red cups. Oh, like a red solo cup. I've never heard anyone call that a cheese cup. Well, that's what they were for back in the Italian delis. They would put grated cheese in those. Oh.

So we called them cheese cups. Look, Kasha's Bakery had the cheese cups. You get those. And if you didn't drink your drink, he'd fucking, you'd get punched in the face. What did he say to make you drink? Here's how we know how. We'd all have to just drink whatever was in your, as much as it was. The cult? I'm kidding.

At 13, you're chugging down these drinks. And if he looked in your cup and saw a little bit left, he'd wrap you right in the head. I mean, these are the guys I hung out with. Right. At 13. He was 30. 30, yeah. And then other people in this group were like, how old? 18, 20, 25. We hung out at this park at night. During the day, it was a regular park for kids. At night, it was our little gang or whatever. Not gang, but it was all the Italian kids hung out there. And we would hang out and just drink and do drugs all night and stuff.

and fuck with other fuck with people you know if you walk through that park at night it was a scary thing are you in touch with any of these people still no once in a while they came to the cellar two of them came to the cellar one night and they were fucking trashed they were like fucking Bobby we saw your fucking name dude what the fuck

And I got him in the side. Guys, you got to calm down. I will calm down. We'll calm down. Who you fucking here, dude? Yeah. And I got him. I said, stand in the hallway. They watched me go up. And they were like, what the fuck? They were nuts. And they were like, we got to go. They didn't. We got to go. They were like, we got to go. We're getting some. They were doing drugs and all fucked up. But yeah. They're walking up to an old lady. Finish that drink. Yeah.

I mean, dude, they taught me at, I think, 11, no, 12, how to drink alcohol. Like, you would get a pint or half a pint of Soco, and this guy, Jake Gagliotti, taught me how to one-sip it. So you drop your tongue. That's how you suck dick, Bobby. If it doesn't hit your tongue. Different story. Well, I taught him how to suck dick. You got me a drink. This is very similar. We're on the same trajectory. I really am.

Yeah. Yeah, but if you drop your tongue, it doesn't hit your tongue. You don't taste it. You don't gag. Got it. Yes, exactly. I could one sip a pint. Really? I could do a half a pint of... My drink was Alan's 101 Pepman Schnapps and a rack of Toss. Oh my... What?

I would half sip. You were 13. Go easy on him. I guess so, but schnapps is hard. I'd rather not get you like schnapps. No, but schnapps is sweet. Like when you were a kid, peach schnapps. Peppermint schnapps though was like. Peppermint schnapps. I had a saying, Allen's 101. Double your pleasure, double your fun, double your vision with Allen's 101. Nice. Thank you. And then. You're good. You're a kid. What are you doing here? You got a future in ad sales. You're a poet.

Yeah, I remember that. And I used to drink Wild Hour's Rose. What is that? They're called bum juice. Very cheap. Like a whiskey? It's whiskey and wine mixed. Yikes. Oh my God. Yeah, but you can get a gallon of it for wine. Whiskey and like $2.50. Right. So when you're 13 and you're- Oh, it's like Mad Dog 2020. Yeah, it's Mad Dog. Mad Dog 2020. Same thing. It's syrupy. I know that stuff. I hate that shit. But get you that right there. I used to get that and I would hillbilly it. I would just whip it on my shoulder, drink half of it, be fucked up for the night.

I remember, yeah, I drank a lot of that shit right there. Remember the kids who would do the peppermint schnapps and just pour Hershey syrup in it and make a peppermint patty? No, I didn't know about that. It's fucking disgusting, but it tasted pretty good. I don't know. But then you're like, did I just get drunk on peppermint? It's like, you feel horrible. Of course, it's all sugar. But it's, dude, it tasted pretty good.

What's that drug that you take that you don't get a hangover? That doesn't work. Heroin. You take heroin, you don't feel the hangover. You don't feel any pain. No regret. You just keep going. It's great. I hate myself the day after these. Oh, yeah. And the day before. Yeah. But I saw heroines up in the village. I saw a couple of heroines last night. Oh, they are everywhere. They're doing it. I got out to do Jim and Sam a couple of weeks ago, and the guy was just doing it.

Two dudes just shooting up right there at the parking lot. Yeah. On 9th Ave. It was Opie. Oh. Wow.

It just sucks. That's a shame. I don't know why that made me feel bad. I don't know why it did. I didn't feel good when I said either. I don't know why. Dopey. All right. Yeah, heroin's up. It's all up. It feels like old New York again. Subway slasher, a guy at McDonald's with the fucking hammer. It's getting wild out there. Yep. There was a stampede at the Halloween parade. What do you mean a stampede? Just a bunch of guys running. Somebody take their dick out? Yeah.

It's got an energy back. I know it's a little dangerous, but you do feel like it's kind of fun. It does feel like a video game down there. It's GTA. It's not fun. No? No, I mean, I understand because I was here in the 90s and it was still fucked up. This is like that again. It's like that again, but I think it's a little worse than that. Because back then we had Giuliani who was...

literally just setting up a mobile cop unit at Washington Square Park. Really? Yeah. And it got so bad though with Bloomberg, they were giving out tickets for being too loud. What? They went too far. Yeah. It was a loud ticket. Well, this is now the opposite end of that spectrum. I mean, literally like on Bleeker Street, it's just dudes, just needles in every part of their body. Yeah. Just heroin nodding. Yeah. They break into my building all the time. Really? All.

Oh, that's scary. That will stop way with all. What happened in your building? There was someone in the building recently that you saw, right? Yeah, there was. They're like all the cellars are connected in those old tenement buildings. So someone went in like two blocks away and came out on the kitchen at Carbone and was like, what's up? Whoa, that's hilarious. They're like rats. They're just popping up everywhere. They're rats. Yeah, me and Billy Burrell lived on 97th, I think in 97 or 98.

And we would come out on our stoop in the morning and there was a regular chick who'd just be shitting underneath our stairs. And she'd be like, don't worry, baby, I'm going to pick it up. And she would. Like a dog would just scoop it up with her hand and take it with her. And I'd be like, thank you. She just wanted a little cubby hole to take a shit. She didn't want to do it between two Buicks. You should have invited her in. Oh, my God. Yeah. Me and Billy used to hang out. We used to do our laundry in the projects.

Like two blocks up. We'd have to go on the projects to do our laundry. 97th and what? 97th between 3rd and Lex. Oh, yeah. Over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 96 is where, yeah. Yeah, I mean, taking the train home from the, we had to walk to Astor Place, wait seven hours. Yeah. And take the local. I mean, there was no AC trains back then. Well, you get that express. You can get it on 96. Oh, there you go. 96th Street. Yeah. 96th Street. Walk over. Go to the bodega. Grab a little treat. And then go back over to the stoop. Yeah.

That was dangerous over there. I thought you guys lived in the... Hell's Kitchen. No, the Italian. Little Italy. No, we lived in Hell's Kitchen. Billy moved to Hell's Kitchen. Joe DeRosa moved in with Billy. And I bought an apartment on 47th in Hell's Kitchen. And we lived there for... I lived there for a long time. Was it gay then?

Because it's super gay now. No, it's newly gay. What do you think I moved there for? My wife was hot. He dropped his tongue. Hell's Kitchen is pretty newly gay. I mean, it's... It's not anymore. Now it's families. It's like... Oh, really? No, it's still pretty gay. Hell's Kitchen? They call it Hell's Kitchen now. What? Yeah, it's Hell's Kitchen. Is that where you live?

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I see gay flag, gay bars. It's still gay. Okay. Oh, it's gay. I had a gay club across the street from my house, which I had a joke in my act about where I said, if that was a regular guy banging every night, Tony, you fucking get the fuck in the car.

The gay club is so quiet, you don't even hear them. Every once in a while, the door opens like, you spin me, right? And that's it. I remember that bit. I remember seeing you at the back of the day. I felt bad. Me and Patrice one night, Patrice would drop me off some nights and we pulled up one day and in front of us, we felt so bad about this, but in front of us, there was a car just rocking.

Just someone was fucking in this Toyota. The windows were steamed and it was rocking. And then this old guy just stuck his head up and looked around. And then this young little twink was like looking around me like, oh shit. So we called the cops. What?

Oh, poor. Not because they were gay. We didn't realize like we felt bad. We just called the cops to fuck with him as a joke. So the cops just the cops pulled up like somebody's having sex and blah, blah, blah. And they pull up and they walk up to the thing and they knock on the window and he looks in and he just spins around and went back into his car.

But then they got out. We were like, ah, this old dude was getting some nice dick. Yeah. And we fucked it up. We were like, we felt, we almost talked to him like, hey man, we're sorry. We did it. Your cock blocks. Yeah, we cock, we literally cock blocked these two guys. I felt bad, but fuck you, dude.

It is a different time. Go get a room. Right. Go fuck in the bathroom. A good car bang every now and then is fun. That's my favorite line. You ever see Meet Wally Sparks with Rodney Dangerfield? He walks up to a couple making out at the dance floor. He goes, you two should go get a room. Then he walks up to a fat couple dancing. He goes, you two should go get a warehouse. That's a great joke.

Classic. Yeah, but that street I lived on had a crazy house across the street from it. And they would, now those guys were all in the street, but they would walk around the street all day long just screaming shit. Yeah. I confronted a guy one time because he was just like screaming at me. And I was with my wife and he's like, what the fuck are you? I'm like, shut the fuck up. Then I called the place. I go, you guys out front. And they were like, hello. Yeah.

I'm like, the guy, they're like, hello. They were just fucking with me. He's probably getting six bucks an hour. He's like, hello. And I'm like, there's one of your people out fucking. And I started to get crazy. I was like, dude, fucking with citizens. I used the word citizens. What does that mean? And all of a sudden he went, hello. Hello.

I was like, it might have been one of the guys, the crazy motherfuckers answered the phone. But if it was the staff, problem. At what point were you laughing at that? At the fourth hello. I was like, this motherfucker. I was enraged and laughing.

at the same time because now I didn't want to give up. I wanted to get him. Then he went, hold on. And he just never came back. So I called again and he went, hello. I missed it. Years ago, I did a thing. I booked a flight on something called Cheapo Air. I know Cheapo Air. Cheapo Air. It used to be... So it's...

not Expedia it's cheaper because you get connect flights sometimes but they'd be different airlines so if you miss the flight you're rolling the dice neither airline's accountable you're just fucked so I remember doing a festival in Grand Rapids I missed the connect flight I'm freaking out I go to complain I think it was Delta and they're like we're not doing anything and the guy just he's just laughing at me because he's like cheapo hair and I was like fuck you dude I was so mad and he just kept looking at me like this like yeah

And him just holding that laugh, I got me. I was at like 583 bucks and I was still fucking, I was like, it's pretty funny. If I take myself out of this, it is pretty funny how dumb I am. Cheap O'Air. Jesus Christ. It is funny when they get you at the airports. Those people are professional people.

at making you snap and then stepping back. I mean, they have no poker face. Better than wives. Because they have all the chips. They're holding all the chips. There's nothing you can do. They literally read like TSA and then they'll have you arrested. There's federal shit behind them. No, what they have to do is get you to swear.

That's it. Or threaten them. Once they get you to swear. Doesn't take much. Once they get you to go, you fucking bitch. Yeah. I'll fucking murder. You're done. You're never getting on that bridge. Yeah, that's all their goal is, is to go. And they do. It's all tone. It's like your wife or your. Can I help you? Excuse me? I'm so sorry. Oh, no, that's fine. You can do that. Is it fine? You fucking. Do you know what? It's the head tilt. Because I do it. The head tilt. It's the head.

I literally do it. Uh-huh. No, it's the waiting. It's this at the airport where they're like this. One second. Ah, the clicking. One moment, please. And you know she's not doing nothing. There's nothing. She's hitting buttons. Yeah. I missed my first flight ever coming out of Skank Fest. Hmm.

No. I had first class coming out of Skank Fest. You were the only one. I went to... I got the bump. I got your seat. I got your seat then. I was so mad. Just the eight juggalos walking right past you. Right, right. A lot of fingerless gloves on that foot. I get...

This just happened. I just happened. Skank Fest was awesome. Yeah. It was so great. It looked amazing. I heard it was great. It was so good. It was one of the best festivals I've ever been to. The way it was set up, the rooms were all connected, but it was huge.

It was awesome. Hell yeah. The clip of you, Norton, Attell, and everyone. I mean, that looked so fun, man. It was fucking great. Also, can I just say, though, the most respectful, amazing comedy fans I've ever fucking seen. The best crowd. The best. I mean, I went to that show that you did with Tony Woods, Attell. The Legends. The Legends show. Oh, fuck. And Voss, but he hosted. He was not a legend. Ha ha ha.

He's just a legend in his own shirt. I have that shirt. Not one person filming. Not one. They don't? Not one. And I'm standing by the bar. They love comedy. And like, that's like, you know, I see that shit. Like, I can't turn it off. They're the best fans ever. Not one phone out. Easily. The best fans ever. Because they listen to the podcast. They're more sophisticated fans. Yeah. I mean,

Comedy fans have become smarter. Hard fucking core, man. They love you. They're podcast fans too, though. Hard core. Right. The podcast, from us talking about what we kind of, what a good fan is, they've kind of, all right, cool, I can do that. And those fans are the best. I had such a great time. I get in, the car comes, I get to the airport, I go to the, I have the Platinum, so I have the Centurion Lounge. Whoa! That is banger, yeah. Never been in there. Dude, they got...

Fucking risotto I mean I mean it's nuts You know we could I don't know about that Centurion Lounge in Vegas You didn't like it? Eh

Listen, breakfast was not everything I hoped for and more. I feel like we're married right now. I mean, you're really just jumping. I know, I'm sorry. I'm trying to build a story. Go ahead. I'm going from fucking Skank Fest fans, Uber came, Centurion loud. We're building. Yeah, you missed the flight. You're missing the flight either. Yeah, I'm getting there, but I had fucking my fucking comedy wife step in. It is me. The eggs were a little,

It's me. Oh, fuck yourself. Liz is like Mormon where it's like you've got a lot of comedy husbands. You've got a lot of people that annoy you. A lot of us annoy you. So I get, I'm in the lounge. I take American Airlines, which I hate. I do Delta. Terrible airline. Horrible airline. I'm for ISIS. Here's why they're fucking terrible. Yeah. On the app, Delta app, it says boarding departure. Yes. On American Airlines, it says departure land.

I don't give a fuck when I get there. I want to know when I need to be at that stupid gate to get on before all these fucking savages start panicking for overhead space. And they close the door on you. And they close the door. I looked at 850. That was departure. I show up, 850. Oh! The plane's still there. Oh. And she's going...

You know that and get new keyboards, by the way. We don't need that. Right. It's so loud. I mean, get an Apple keyboard. You're on a fucking Dell. What is this? 1997? It's a gateway. They want the click. They like it. They want to go old fashioned. It's annoying. Hear that?

It is annoying. Oh, it's so annoying. And they're just typing in, this guy is a piece of shit. He's on Facebook. I'm going to make him snap. Fuck him. Fuck all his family. I hope he never sees his kids again. That really is annoying. I go, the plane's right there. Can I just, I start begging. You know, you beg first. Can I please? And then it goes into lying. I got to meet my kid. Yes, yes. He's got cancer. It's a make-a-wish. He just lost a leg in a bullfight. Can I?

So, no. Sir, I can't. No. 15 minutes, they say. It's right there. Just open the door. I'm here. They love it. They live for this. She looks up. She goes, I already gave your seat away. Oh! No! My stomach. First class seat.

Oh, you know, Dave Smith sitting there like, woo! American, yeah. So he would. And then as I get more, she starts controlling the situation more. She knows the powers that are in her. And she goes back to the keyboard. She starts typing and looking up every once in a while. Sir, I can try. I can try to get you on the next flight. Because now I'm pissing her off. Now,

So I'm like, ugh. So I gotta go, I gotta swallow it. I gotta swallow it. Or attack her face. Bite her Achilles off. Right. I gotta really maim her so she'll never forget this. You either have to hit her with a smile or you have to say, is your mother a piece of shit too? Yeah. You have to pick one. You have to pick one. You have to do that. Is she white?

No, she's... You hope for white just so there's not an extra weirdness. You don't want there to be like a racial barrier. You heard Mark here first. American Airlines only hire white people. Yes. Yeah. And you get 20% off Yeezys right now at adidas.com. I'm just saying if she's black and you're yelling at her, it's a different look. What are you going to say about Jews?

Jesus Christ. I don't know what she was. I think she was Asian, if that matters. All right, Asian's fine. You can yell at an Asian. Nobody cares about that. He's trying to fucking muffle you out right now. You know what I'm talking about. Also, that glass is still up at the airport, so you have to do the fucking...

Thing where you yell through the hole there. What airport are you at? What airport? I fly out of Newark. I just tried to say yes. It's a little dicey. That's gone. Bulletproof glass. Come on, catch up. All right, all right. And then she puts me on the wrong flight. She puts me on a flight that left Sunday. Thank you. So she fucked.

to be totally I was she fucked up I was good no she fucked me again because I was being an asshole thank you she put me on a wrong flight so I called Dawn panicking I'm like I gotta go I'm going to Austin I'm going to do Segura and Rogan oh you can't miss that so I'm like I gotta go I gotta get there I'm such a I'm gonna lie about my kid having fucking you know and then you say I'm on Rogan she's like okay you should have said that I know that's a bigger deal Rogan

She's never heard of your son. Will you talk about the benefactors of ginseng? Please bring that up. I love elk and aliens. Dude, I had the same thing happen to me on American Airlines. They fucked me. It was when I was coming from Rogan and I was flying to... I had to go from...

to Vermont so we had to connect in Philly and I know I'm not going to make the connection like the flight's on the ground too long so I sprint to the gate and as I get there the woman's shutting the door and I scream please don't shut it and she looks at me and goes I'm sorry and shuts the fucking door I was like why no

Oh, that makes me feel so good. I said, please. And she goes, I can't do anything. Now that the door is shut, I was like, you shut it. You fucked me. Yeah, they're bad people. I missed the gig. They're bad people. They're bad people. I lost my shit. No, that lady is a saint. Thank God. Thank God no one's filming. I was looking around. I go, no.

Yeah. I was just screaming in the airport. They were like, this is a good... It was literally the day my special came out. I was like, I'm about to go viral. Welcome to show business. For getting arrested. For airport behavior. I put my foot in the door once and the lady looked me in the eye and she goes, if you don't move your foot, I'm calling security. I was like, come

on it's not closed yet she she got me what is the clothes thing it's just a made up what is it is it minecraft and it's like another universe happens why is it with the clothes fucking thing once they close the door like what is that is it no but it's before that is he is he the resident genius he does look like it he looks like the guy in the closet and real genius pull him up too while you're at it i'll get that visual

Oh, my God. Salamanca. Now you frazzled him. He can't Google. I'm going to get you guys the new shirt I have. Fuck the check spot. Oh, I love it. We got to get rid of the fucking check spot. So people, if you don't know what the check spot is, it's when they drop checks while a comic is on stage. Not a comic. The comic. The headline. They paid for a...

There he is. Oh, there you go. I always wanted that guy. Oh, that's funny. Dude, the guy, they flew there. They flew there. They're paying all the money. The people came to see. That's a great point. They came to see. What you're going to do.

you're going to give the best spot of the night to the local middle guy. 100%. Who does 25 minutes. God bless you. I love feature acts. I know it's a feature, not a middle. You're welcome, Rich Voss. Right? But you get the best spot. So the guy goes up, warms him up for 10, 15 minutes. Then you're going to give that guy the primo fucking spot. And he's selling merch. They're not too drunk. I hate that. They're not too drunk. They're focused. They're ready to laugh. And you're going to put him up for 25.

five minutes right and then bring me up at the end right and you're right when I'm gonna 15 minutes before the movie's gonna end everything builds up I got him you're gonna send a fucking team a horde of waitresses yeah that could give a fuck about me yeah or stand up they're just trying to get to a cigarette or a joint or a drink somewhere they want the fuck out which I understand bless them it's a fuck god bless them all because it's a fucked up job to do you

They're going to just pass. And the good ones are like on another level. Like if you're a quiet waitstaff, like we fucking notice it and we appreciate it. Yeah, 100%. That's a tough gig. I had a girl give me the finger at CB Live. First of all, she walks out in the front. Okay, now you said it here. I'm texting Brandon. I'm telling him. I'm telling him. Walks out in the front. I got a video of it. I got the video. Yeah, put the video. Send me the video. You want me to send you the video? Send me the video. I'm going to bring up the video and you can send it to yourself. Yeah?

I don't know how that works. I don't know what that meant. What did that mean? What are you talking about? I'm going to give him my phone. Oh, that's okay. So he can do it. Because I don't want to go, what is it? Brandon765. Can you also send it to me so I can send it to the club? Yeah. All right. But this is my question with the check spot that I don't understand. You have one show on a Saturday night. Yes.

The next show is an hour later, half an hour later. What the fuck are they dropping the checks in the middle of your shit for? Like, they don't have anything else after. The seller doesn't do it. You guys have like 10 shows. Seriously. There's no point. I don't understand the logic of it. I asked the club owner.

Because I said, hey, can we do no check spots? He goes, what do you want? What do you want this week? I'm a big fan. We sold some tickets. What do you want? I go, no check spot. He goes, we can't do that. He's like, we'll give you champagne in the green room, whatever. Champagne. I'll tell you why. Yeah. He goes, A, we don't have a bouncer here. So people could just run out. I'm like, nobody's going to run out. Secondly, he goes, it fucks over the wait staff. Why? Because people tip less after. No, they don't. Which I'm like, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. And then at the end, he goes, we just don't want to do it. We know how to do it this way. We don't want to change. Want me to drop it to you?

It's all about change. They're just used to doing it a certain way. They don't want to change. That's it. That's all it is. It's laziness, too. Also, hire a fucking bouncer. Well, that, too. Are you kidding me? You don't want to just put the fucking bartender at the door. You don't need a bouncer. Here's how you solve the fucking problem. No, you need a bouncer at a comedy club. Here's how you do it. You do. But here's how you solve the problem. Ready? You take the host. He goes up and does 10. Then you take the feature. God bless you.

Go up and do 20. You do 20. And then I go up and I do my time. I do an hour. As a headliner, I believe you should be doing an hour. You do 45 minutes. Okay, God bless you. I understand once in a while. But if you're doing 35, 40, you're not a headliner. Right, right, right. Okay, but go up and do your hour. And then have the MC go back up and do 10 more minutes. Number one, it gives him... It makes him a better comic. He's going to go up. Do all your dumb ads. They already know who he is. He's the host. He's the host.

he's the guy let him go up fuck with the people hey you had a good time how about that thing blah blah blah make sure you tip your weight let him go up you're adding so the time that they're still paying the checks that I'm not up there they're just getting entertained you're dropping all your bullshit instead of letting them know that a better comic's coming next week in front of me right hey guys Damon Wayne's coming next week oh good fuck why don't you just give them their receipts now so they can yeah

Have them do it that way. They're bullshit. These clubs, they don't want to change. That's it. That's what I say. They don't want to fucking change. They're like an Applebee's. Right. They just fucking churn out riblets and this and this is how we do it. And fuck them. I'm done with the check spot. It's so unnecessary. I love all the waitresses. God bless them. Sure. I'm not a fucking monkey.

You know, this girl is funny, though. She did give me the finger and it was kind of funny. Do we have it? It made me laugh. I can't wait to send this video to Phoenix. The finger didn't bother me. The finger made me laugh, actually. It really did kind of arouse me. Watch this confidence. She's not even a duck. The chick, the blonde? Where is this from? How long ago? This is two weeks ago. The blonde? Yeah. It is. It's the worst. It's the worst. She don't even bend down. She don't give a fuck.

I mean, stop. Pause that for a second. She's having a blast doing this. Look at, she walked in front of everybody and stood there like not even quickly. Right. You know what I mean? And I'm just like, wow. Go ahead.

Sorry.

Where is this? Phoenix. Oh, nice. Well, the problem is a lot of people hire people who want to be comics. And so that to her, that was like her moment. I mean, look, she, I don't, I don't, she made it funny and all that. It's not, I don't give a fuck about that. And it, and it relieved the pressure of it. She was actually pretty cool. But when you, when you don't teach a staff to even duck down, sir, from behind, from behind, you don't,

walk out you're literally taking them do you understand how the joke works I know I gotta fucking get them into the story the setup and they're going wait who had the Mai Tai hold on wait you only put two dots that's comedy poison unbelievable no other fucking thing do they do this in by the way and here's the nail in the coffin yeah they don't do that in Hamilton you know here's the nail in the coffin I did a show I did a gig once I did an album there at this club not gonna say the club say it what's it rhyme with say it

Comedy on hate. And it's a great club. This is your first album. Yeah, first album and second album. So then they go, all right, since you're doing a taping, we won't do checks. We'll do them after. So they can do it. That's the worst part is you basically told me you can do it. Anybody can do it. Don't tell me you can't do it. I know. If the comedy seller does it, 17 shows a night. Oh, my God.

Sold out. I taped a special at the cellar. They didn't serve drinks. We didn't serve drinks. Everyone ordered drinks at the beginning. Two drinks. Everyone orders drinks at the beginning so there wouldn't be waitstaff in the fucking shot. They're fucking smart and they know the show is the most important part. If you distract these people at all, it's going to fuck up the show. Of course. If you let them watch the movie, they'll enjoy it. Yeah. You know what's great for comedy? Reminding yourself of your finances.

That's what I want to think about right now. Or having some fucking a Phoenix 7 walk in the front row while you're with your Phoenix 2 wife. Can you imagine you're with Avatar 2? Someone comes in. Who got the Mai Tai? Screwdriver? Exactly. Old fashioned. We didn't leave tip on it. So if you want to leave good tip, shut up. Right, right. What a...

Do you have other peeves? Other things that are bothering you? Either of you? Yeah, I got a real bad one. I'm the peeve. That's a good peeve. That was my peeve. Why is he a peeve?

Sam why is he a peeve Why is he my pet peeve I just want him to go off Yeah Do it hoops Come on Come on Every fucking day He does Bobby I What do I do I want to get you I don't understand what I did I want to get you a little backpack And one of those boom boxes With the hoops With the whole outfit It's very chola today I know I slept in I slept in I don't understand what I did I don't understand We'll do Phil Hanley next

Sam, I'm telling you, Bobby, this is literally every day of my fucking life. Liz, you mad? Liz, you mad? Liz, you mad? Liz, please? And not P-L-E-A-S-E. He texts me P-L-S, which also fucking infuriates me. Just fucking write please, motherfucker. Write please.

Liz, Liz, Liz, you mad? You mad? Why you mad? Why do you have anger issues? You mad? You're my fucking anger issue motherfucker. Like every fucking, every day. He's needy. Sam's really, really needy. You do the K as well. He's needy. You don't say, okay, you write K. Come on, man. Give

You have an iPhone. Really? Yeah, the K is tough. Are you mad? Because it does seem like you're... I can't tell if you're mad or not. Shut up. I love you. Shut the fuck up. You maybe come to Midtown. That also pills you up, but whatever. We're getting you day drunk. It's fun. There you go. After this one, she's going to be in a better mood. You got that right. She's an espresso martini drinker. I do like the espresso martinis. For Liz, it was either Aperol Spritz

Dirty martini or espresso martini. How good was the espresso martini at Arturo's? Arturo's, coal oven pizza. Delicious. Great spot, right? You've never been there. Have you been there? I've never been. Wow. Oh, I should say this. I've never been invited. Oh. You were on the road. My pet peeve. We'll go on the just salad next week and we'll bring it. It'll be killer. I always get invited too. You guys sneak away at night too. It bugs me. We do? Yeah, you and fucking Liz and fucking Thin Phil. Yeah.

He is the... Yeah, you sneak away. He is cactically the... Where's Liz? I don't know. She's gone. And you guys are at some fucking trendy spot sucking down something...

Sticking something in your face Yeah And Phil's talking about His dumb set Or some watch he got And you're pretending To be interested And pretend to be his friend I don't pretend to be interested In the watch stories Nobody does I've never pretended to be I'm not interested in watches At all Do you know if Phil dies I get two of his Rolexes Which one? When Phil dies He told me I can't remember Because it means nothing to me But I get two I'll kill him if you give me one

All right. Because I have no idea which he told me. I want the Thunderbird or the Thunder, whatever the fuck it is. Are you a watch person? Yeah. Yeah. Show them, Bobby. Holy shit. Show them, Bobby. It's beautiful. Liz and Phil actually came with me to get this. What? You're just trashing us. What am I going to do? I'm trying to be funny. I'm going to fucking tell you how much I love the guy and how much we have in common. I'm not a big watch guy. I'm a huge watch guy. That's a great watch.

great watch but I'm worried I just think like walking around with a Rolex you're like a fucking mark well you're a mark if you don't know what the fuck you're doing Phil Hanley's a mark you know what I mean Phil Hanley Phil is a mark yeah what's he get he'll bore somebody to death though we should jump him in a ski mask I'll

- I'll do it. - And take his watch and then give it back to him. - Let's do it. - He showed up to Phil, he's like, "I should bogey." - No, if we corner Phil and we're just like, "Give me your, just the watch. "I don't care about your phone, just your watch." He's like, "Ah." - Then let me do the talking. Your voice is not threatening. - I know. - 'Cause you sound like a kid trying to be, "Let me get the watch."

Hand it over, mister. Give me your fucking watch, you cocksucker. I'll fucking murder you right now. Now, you fucking thin Canadian piece of shit. Oh, you hit him in the face. It worked. It worked. Here's your wallet back. Dude. I would be nice immediately. If you went on for two more seconds, he'd be sucking your dick. I mean, he... Well, that was very... That was fucking better than carrot topping. He threw a prop right at me.

Let's do that to Phil. Yeah, watch Phil Hanley's special, Ooh La La. Also watch Ronan Hirshberg's new special. Oh, and Ari's is out. Yeah, and Ari's special, Jew. I mean, but if you want to laugh, watch Kill Box on LouisCK.com. But if you really want to laugh, LouisCK.com, Bobby Kelly's new special. Yeah, watch that. I've seen it. You got to pay for it, and that's why it's worth money. What is it, like $10? It's nine something. Oh, there you go. Yeah. I bought it. You bought it? I bought it. I'm going to buy it. I bought it. Now, here's the thing. I've boughten...

boughten? No. I've bought comedians. Thank you. Thank you. Who have you bought? The guy in the closet. I bought Louis. I told you. The fucking super nerd in the closet saved the day again. He's good. I bought specials. Anytime it comes out, I just bought Gillian Keeves. Oh, yeah. I got to buy that. I bought that. It's so good. I buy it and I watch it on the road or the plane just to support. You know what I mean? You got to. So you can still watch comedy. A lot of people, a lot of comics are like, I can't watch any of the comedy. I...

I actually was becoming, I think, maybe six years ago, that bitter old fucking... What the fuck are they? But now that I watch comics, I like comedy again. I actually... I watch comics and I'm like, wow, it's funny. Like...

What's his name? Mateo. That asshole, man. Dude, he makes me... His jokes are fucking... He's so good. Yeah. And it's funny because I remember him when he first came in. Right. It was all right. You know what I mean? So that's why I was kind of like, what the fuck?

These young guys come up. Even you guys. I watch your stuff and I'm like, this is a fucking great joke. Like, I laugh out loud. I try to comment on it too, but I enjoy young comments now. You notice, right, like how people get funnier? It's wild. It's crazy, right? Yeah, you guys all got funnier. Joe List is so...

funny right now night and day shit it's like yeah well it takes time you know it's like you find yourself you get comfortable i mean it's a process but it's like i came out like when i first saw you guys i was here doing my thing and then i was like yeah and then i came out of it and all of a sudden i'm looking at your comedy on instagram like the bits and i'm like that's fucking great so it's a weird feeling for me to be to see the i never i didn't see the transition it just happened

Over time, right? So now you guys are all killers. It sometimes feels like... I mean, I see these idiots every fucking day. And it feels like all of a sudden today I'll be like, oh shit. When the fuck did this person get funny? It's like all of a sudden the penny drops and you're like, what the fuck? It's so crazy. That's why I'm so...

To come back to I gotta come back to the cellar I gotta start doing spots again You gotta come back Gotta come back But I'm nervous about Spots You'll bomb I'll love it It'll be great I know but I'm I'm so Just good to be around that energy That comic energy You just see people You're like Even when you're not on stage Being around comedians is When I was out And I did the Rogan He was like I'm doing the Vulcan tonight You wanna go on? I was like yeah

But I was so nervous because I haven't really done spots. And they had all these young bucks in front of me and they're going up and they're great, hilarious. And then I went up and I was like...

You know, that thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, where you go to the cellar and Norton's on or someone's on and they're crushing and like, what do you want me to say? And then they're like, you guys, you got to slide on the stage. You're up there and you're like, fuck it. You touch the ceiling and then you get, as soon as you get that laugh, you're good. But on that stage with them, I was killing and I was like, oh my God. It's like, it takes over. Yeah. And then I was off and I was so jacked.

Oh, yeah. I got to go back to spots. Yeah, comedy. It's a good skill set to have. Like you kind of get too caught up in the hour structure because you're writing a new hour and the bits get longer and it becomes harder and harder to do 15. But it's a necessary skill set. It's like auditioning to acting, to getting the gig, to booking the gig. Auditioning is a way different animal than actually acting. When you get the gig, it's a whole different thing you got to do.

Right. But when you audition for it, you got to go in that room, you got to look around, look at the people in the eyes. You have to kind of absorb their energy, take away their power, kind of absorb it and be like, oh, this is my time right now. And who am I? I'm working with you? Hey, what's up? I'm Rob. What's your name? Great. I'm going to do this. Okay. I'm going to over here. Where's the camera? Take over. Yeah. It's like a whole thing you have to do. And then when you're ready, go, I'm ready. Can we start? Great.

You know, do your thing and then just you and that person until you're done and then you go, great, that's it. Like, if you don't do that, if you walk in and that's the way spots. Yeah. Like, it's so much pressure and it means nothing only to you. Right. No one else. Well, it's like it sucks when you're doing a set and you just see someone you respect walk in the room and you're like, fuck, I'm working on shit, dude. I know. I hate when comics come in and watch when I'm doing new jokes. That feels like when comics watch the most. How about when they leave? Yeah.

I had De Niro walk out what? I almost said something I went Bob this next one's good what happened? I had Ricky Gervais I bombed in front of Louie and Ricky and they were laughing Bobby bombs are the best Bobby bombs are the best bombs there's nothing better than seeing Lee when she knows she has some sick sense when I'm gonna bomb and she'll stand under the light

Right at the Village Underground, there's one light. So if you look over, you'll just see her like this. Waiting, waiting. And just watching you just eat your own shit for like 15 minutes. And I got energy, so I'm like...

- And there's nothing. - Dude, I was in the, fuck, it was after your bachelor party when we did the episode and we got shit-faced. - I can't wait to go to the wedding, man. - It's gonna be awesome. - We'd love to have you. - Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get to fucking invite you. - I sent it to Phil. - That's his worst, did you do Rogan? No, not yet. - We do.

We do Norman's, we do get wasted on the episode here. We go to an old homestead. We get drunker there. Then Mark and I end up at the cellar. I'm on stage struggling to get through the set. And I just see Liz and Rachel Feinstein in the doorway. Oh my God. The entire set they're doing this. I'm just trying to keep a straight face. I'm struggling enough just to enunciate words. I think he winks at us at one point. Yeah, I did. I got a huge laugh. I looked at him. I go.

That's the drunk little wink. But we literally were like... That was the worst. We were assholes. It's the worst. He was wasted. Why did De Niro walk out? Oh, dude.

I just have no charisma. Like, I don't have it. You know what I mean? Like, is that the number one guy that like, like that's like who else would hurt that much walking out? I don't know. It hurt. That's like top of the fucking. Yeah. That's happened to me a bunch of times. I mean, Conan O'Brien, people were doing a, a showcase. Yeah. I stand up New York.

And as soon as I went on, they walked out. Wow. I fell to the floor. What? I just started talking to the ceiling. I was just like, I worked all week on this set as they're walking out because they told me that I might get a chance to get on Conan O'Brien. And as I'm on, this is, I go, God, you hate me and I hate you, God.

And I hate you back. I was just talking to God. And they were like, that's Jessica Kirsten's bit, what you're doing right there. That's Newhart. Yeah, dude, it's happened. But De Niro was bad. He came in to see people for that movie. Oh, the movie, yeah, with Kirsten. And he came and he was watching everybody. Wow.

And then they go, hey, give it up for Robert Kelly. And somebody, it just, all of a sudden, I saw a couple seconds, maybe 30, 40, maybe a minute or so. Hey, what's going on? Blah, blah. And I just, I had nothing that caught his eye. Oh, man. Well, if it helps, the movie sucked. This is Cape Fear. The greatest laugh ever. This is what he didn't hear.

Damn. I love when they spoof this in The Simpsons. He was a very sweet man. I got none of that. That's what I thought. I was going to get Cape Fear De Niro. Right. No, I didn't. I got the one where he was retarded in the chair with Robin Williams. Awakenings. I got Awakenings Robin Williams. He could be, I think, a great guy, but I also read like, dude, I've read he was such a dick to Sybil Shepard on Taxi Driver. Like such a fucking dick. De Niro.

Really? Oh, Taxi. I thought... He was probably better. I was thinking the show Taxi. I was like, who is he? Who is he? De Niro, famously. Well, he only likes black women, to be honest. Well, I think he just didn't think she could act. Don't we all? Yeah. Yeah, he... Well, dude, it's funny that... He's a huge Jim Norton fan. I know. De Niro is? De Niro. Oh, he was in the opening of Norton Special. That's right. Can you pull that up? He's a huge...

Norton fan, and that's from that movie. But he was... Bobby, he was so sweet. He was like the nicest man. Was he? Really? I heard he was very sweet. He was really... He wanted... I'm blaming myself. I'm blaming the lack of it. Don't blame yourself. Honey, if you walk on stage, if you're there as De Niro looking for comedians for a movie about comedy, and a guy gets on stage with me, hey, what's up, blah, blah, and it does nothing for your palate, like...

You literally go, you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. And you walk out, you don't get it. Yeah? Yeah.

I would agree. Bobby, you have it. Thank you. You have it, buddy. You have it, Bobby. You have it. You're the guy. Type 2 diabetes is it. Not anymore. I'm so happy you're healthy. That makes me happy. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. You'll be back. Me too. What the fuck? Can we get Bobby an actual cheese cup with cheese in it? I want to get on this wall.

I have a gold medal. We're not putting you on. But yeah, DeRosa was here, not bragging, but we had him on and he was saying like, I don't do spots in the city. It's worthless. I go on the road. He doesn't do comedy. Shut up. I know. That's what I said. It's not that he doesn't do spots. He can't get spots. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think he said that.

Yeah, he has liver spots at this point. He's such a booze bag. He's like, I'm an 815 with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Right. And a 1025 with a turkey club. Yeah, I'd rather be here than slinging sandwiches. You can't find it? I guess. Bummer. What is on Netflix? It's Norton's... The movie? Yeah.

I heard that movie was terrible, though. Maybe he could have watched a little more Bobby. It's never too early to play holiday music, and it's never too early to start thinking about gifts. Whether it's just for a friend or the friends of your pants. It's your penis and your balls. You can make this season to be jolly with Manscaped. Their platinum package has it all. The Lawnmower 4.0 Body Trimmer and Weed Whacker Nose and Hair Ear Hair Trimmer.

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I'm not good with famous people, dude. I'm just not good. I'm not really either. Oh, you have the Jerry, the famous Jerry. Oh, oh my God. That's a great story. Get your hands off. I was at a Rolex. I can't have another drink. I'll have another drink. Yeah.

You heard the lady. I think everybody heard that story. Not on here. Tell it again. It's the best story. I'm going to give you, you have to go buy my special right now. There you go. Buy his special right now and he's doing, and it's louisck.com. Louis. Louis. Yeah, don't do Louis. Don't do Louis. There it is. There it is. Fourth of July, right there. Stop anymore? What the fuck? But you're in that movie too. Scroll down. Where is it? You look amazing in that movie. Where am I? Jesus.

Jesus. Oh my God. She got buried. Text. Text somebody. Text somebody. Text that son of a bitch. Go ahead. I love that you're under his special sorry. Right. Under his next special, I fucked up. I mean, what's going on? Text. You're texting, right? Yeah, I'm calling. Oh. Get him on. Speak it. Yeah. This is Leah. Call Leah. Ah.

We love Leo, though. We love Leo. Hey, Leo. You're live on Mark. Mark, you're on the podcast. I'm promoting Killbox that you are a producer on. Hey, Leo. Executive. Yeah, we're promoting it, but we're sending them to LouisCK.com, but we can't seem to find where it is. It was at the top, and we don't know where it is at LouisCK.com.

Oh my god, I'm not at the top home page. I'm making a call right now

I mean, I still got big. I got two weeks of promoting this special left. We're in the money. We paid. This is profit time, Leah. And you got that movie Fourth of July. I mean, that's over. You're in Fourth of July, though. It did it. I'm in Fourth of July, but look it, I didn't get any money out of that. Listen, me and Leah trying to make some cash. Fourth of July. I mean, good movie. Fuck your list. Fuck your list. That's a rip. It is now.

It is no... That's a great movie. Fourth of July is a great movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. Get that. You can get Louie's special, but go... I mean, we gotta have it. No, it's a whole series. Oh, I bought it. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's great. It's a great show. As soon as I get off of you. I steal cable, so... Why not? All right. Go to Shows and Specials. It's right at the top. Go to Shows and Specials. Okay, here we go. We're gonna get it back on.

All right, we're going to have it right up. This is great podcasting, by the way. I'm a whole voice talking about your web. Tell the Jerry Seinfeld story, please. All right, listen. So this is why. And Colin Quinn, if somebody famous comes in, will take me out of the building. He will say, Bobby, it's time to go home. In the middle of hanging out, like...

Ray Romano's there. Anybody famous comes in. Colin will go, Bobby, it's time to go. And I'm funny. He goes, Bob, we need to go. And he'll take me outside and go, because no, he knows that I'm bad with famous people. Oh, okay. So Jerry's coming down with the crew to film Comedian. Comedian. This is, you know, you remember Jerry used to hang out a little bit? Yeah, yeah. I'm scared to text him. I'm like you. Sam had to save it. Be a friend. He, he, he,

He's filming all this stuff. Jerry Seinfeld, I mean, he's the biggest comic in the world. He's filming this thing. The camera's everywhere.

I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be that guy. In my head, these are thoughts I had. I'm letting you in on the inside. I don't want if we become friends to happen organically. I don't want to be in this. If you wanted me in this, he'll have me in it. I don't want to beg to be in it or kind of suck up to be in it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because there's comics there that are just sitting at the table trying to have a combo to get in the fucking movie. I stay away. I don't even say nothing to him while he's filming it to respect his fame or whatever.

So one night I'm sitting there, we're talking about the Rangers. And we're talking about the year Gretzky won. Was he there the year they won the Stanley Cup? I'm saying yes. I don't know. They're saying no. Big bet going on. Dollar. I'll take a dollar. He goes, I'll take some of that action right there.

Jerry, $20 million. Right. And a car. The producers, the camera guy, I'll take. All right, so we have this organic connection. Mike Cole broke the ice. We talk. All right, boom. You're in. You're in. Jerry's in. Bang. So now I got to go away. I got to do a gig. I have to fly into Buffalo. It's an afternoon gig. I have to hire my own. They won't pick me up.

I have to hire my own guy. So I hire a guy, shows up in a minivan with captain's chairs. Oh, yeah. Okay. I get in. There's a VCR with headphones. He's got headphones. Every episode of Seinfeld. This is that weekend.

So he goes, I love Jerry Seinfeld. Well, I watch him all day long. I pick people up. He's all like whipped up. He goes, yeah, put it on. We'll watch. It's a sign. So we're watching Seinfeld episodes. I'm in this thing in the back of a van, like, you know, those 80s love vans. Oh, no. Your old duct taped in the trunk. I love Seinfeld. So we go to the he takes me. I take him to lunch.

Because the show's at three o'clock. You take the minivan guy to lunch. I gotta go to lunch. So he comes with me. He's calling me Jerry the whole time. He's like, I love it, Jerry. I'm Bobby. He's like, I know, but I just love Jerry. I'm like, okay. This is sick. This is like Kathy Bates in Misery. Yeah, right? We don't even have time. So the gig, I don't know this gig. It's a college thing. It's outside. It's a beer fest. Outside. Bad news. After a metal band. In Buffalo. This keeps getting worse. In Buffalo. In Buffalo.

on and off rain showers next to a skydiving simulator. So every five minutes a jet engine will go off. A college student drunk will be just flying next to me. So the band gets off. I get up there. It's hell. It starts raining. They go, you know, 50 yards back under another tent. It stops. They come back out. I'm fucking working it. I'm like, boom. I get them. I lose them. The fucking jet goes off. Guy comes by. Phono.

They're fucking wasted. The sun's out. The rain comes. It's so bad. I hit 45 minutes contractually. Thank you. Good night. I'm like, but the guy grabs me like the A-team, takes me through mud, throws me in the back of the van. I got like maybe an hour and 10 minutes to make my plane.

goes all the way as we're driving I'm gonna get you there don't worry about it Jerry I'm like it's Bob we get to the airport I make it to the plane he goes can you just do me a favor can you get me a signed autograph of Jerry I go listen dude I met him the other night it might happen I can act oh my god you can't say that I got the best story in the world right this hell gig this is up his alley yes right so I go back to the cellar the next night

I'm on right after Jerry. Wow. So I walk downstairs. The hallway's packed with people watching Jerry. Of course. The camera crew's there. He's on stage. This is 2002, by the way. He's the biggest he's been. The biggest he's ever been. He walks off stage organically. We're friends. He walks off, and I go, hey, dude, you won. Gretzky wasn't on. And I had the buck, and he looked at me like, who the fuck? Oh, yeah. And he took the buck.

And then he walks up two steps. I go, hey, dude, but I got a great story for you first. He goes, you want your buck back? And I was like, oh, no, whatever. Takes another two steps. He turns around. He goes, hey, listen.

I'm going to be up at the table having food. As soon as you're done, come up. We'll talk. We'll have some food and we'll talk stuff out. And I was like, dude, I got a great story for you, man. I went to Buffalo. You're going to love this story. I can't wait to tell you it. He goes, not you. Oh. He was talking to the lady next to me. Oh. Not you. She just looks at me. She goes, sorry. And he just walked away, never to talk to me again. Oh.

That's worse than if he stuffed the dollar bill in your mouth and kicked you down the stairs. Not you is more painful. You know, Jerry, not you. And then he walked away. And a crowd of people around me, too. It just went silent. Do you remember the comics you were there? Oh, dude, it was like somebody... Was it Norton? Somebody got caught fucking somebody in the ass. That type of silence. Like...

That's a bad silence. You're fucking her in the ass, dude. Oh, man. It was bad. It was so bad. That's amazing. You feel this big. But that's my company name now, Not You, Inc. Oh, good for you. It's like the N-word. You spin it. How do you spin it? Did they put it back up top? No. Absolutely not. Let's see. No. Yes! Oh!

Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Holy shit. Text her and tell her she's a fucking champion. That was impressive. Because she's a fucking champion. Louie's on a podcast promoting his special right now, and he's like, where the fuck is it? There you go. Good for her. Man, that's a pro. That's a pro. She's a hell of a sister. Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah!

I got work tonight. I'll see you later. Thanks for putting it up. Two more weeks, baby. Two more weeks. Two more weeks. Two more weeks. All right. She's the best. She's the best. Great. Do buy Bobby's special. We love Bobby. He's one of the funniest. Really is. Killer.

It's annoying. Yeah, thank you so much. You guys too, dude. I tell you what the best part about promoting this special was for me is getting to do everybody's podcast and not to be faggy, but the love of the...

Keep it. Keep it. Leave it in. Hey, not to be a silly bitch. There we go. That's the name of my production company. Not to be a retarded homosexual. Which you don't see a lot of. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Not to be a, you know... He just says the N-word. We're like, all right, this is not going to be good here. Not to be an emotional asshole. How's that? Or too, you know, sappy. Sure. But the love of the comics, all the comics, podcasts, the fact that we don't have to...

We don't have to go to people and get a yes from people I don't even know who might not be fans. That we can just do this and we can sell our albums, put our stuff out. We don't have to ask permission anymore because we're just taking care of each other and getting our fans to like Skank Fest, Rogue, and you guys, all the podcasts I did.

promoted me more than any show I could have ever went on or anything I could have done. Well, these late night shows, they're such a bitch to get on. And then it was like, you didn't even move the needle. I know. You made me kill my joke. Yeah. You got to jump through hoops. Yeah. It's great. And the comic love is real because we are a family. And not to be sappy as well, but not to be a homosexual as well. Silly bitch. You are. You are. No, we...

It is a family. That's why we talk about Steve earlier in the episode. We love him. If you've been to the cellar, this is the dude who let you in. This is the best. The best guy. The best. We all loved him. You should have seen the scene there. We were there the night after it happened. And it was like, dude, there were flowers in the seat he sat in that people from the neighborhood were dropping by. Literally like...

people from the neighborhood, people walk by and were like, hey, we heard. Everyone from the Blue Note came over one at a time last night. He was the nicest guy because every time I was there, he... You go away for a while and you come back

And there's a new person at the door. Right. It's like, hey, excuse me. It's like, what? Yeah. Fucking, what are you, out of your mind? You know what I mean? But 22 years, man. Every time you, 22 years. He tried to get in, he goes, not you. But Steve was just, you know, he would talk to you. Yeah. It wasn't a yo, what's up? It was, hey man, how you doing, Bobby? Right. Yeah, man, how you doing? How's your wife? How's your son? How's the, fucking this piece of shit had him saying, hey Liz, you mad? Yeah.

We were filming it because he would go up to her and he'd make sure I was in earshot so I could enjoy it. And he would go, Liz, can I ask you something? She'd be like, oh yeah. And he'd go, are you mad? And she'd be like, ah!

Fucking awesome. Dude, my parents, I texted my parents and they were like, he took such good care of us. My parents said the same thing. He would like, literally when my parents were there, he would like recognize their family. I think Luis Gomez said it the best. When I showed up at the cell, they didn't ask me who I was. Yeah. Wow. Which is huge. That's a first. That's crazy. That's like, wow.

That's crazy, yeah. But Lewis told me that, shout out to Lewis for the skank fest. You're doing great things. But he said a guy, a big corporation tried to buy it and he said, nah, because it'll ruin it. You can't do that. They're starting to show up. Oh, really? What I said. Those industry came this year. I told you. I'm like, you can't let them. Don't let them in. You can't. They're going to ruin it.

- You can't. - There's no way Lewis is gonna let a legitimate company with legitimate lawyers and accountants show up. - AT&T presents Gang Fest. - Absolutely not. - How's he gonna afford his Lexus? - Absolutely not.

There's no way he's letting them in. - No, God bless him 'cause he built it. I mean, and it's really cool and it's for the fans and it's not just Louis, it's Jay and Dave and Christine. - Christine. - And the staff. - The staff. - It's very cool. - Let me tell you something about that staff. They're so good. - Yeah, they're on it.

They're so good because they know who you are. They know what you mean to the festival and they treat you. I can't tell you, dude, I was like, I need a chair. We got a chair for you, Mr. Kelly. This is a guy who's probably a comic, but he's, you know, there's no ego involved. They're like, look, man, we're glad to be here too. And they work all day, all night for four days, five days straight. Longer than that, like setting up, all that shit. Like they're looking at it, walking in. There's so much that goes into that. They're working for months. Oh, yeah.

It's going to be bigger and bigger and bigger. It was so much fun. And it's all based on fucking atrocious, evil, fucked up, hilarious comedy. It's not...

bending one second. I walked in on whatever, Saturday. The first thing I walked in on was that boxing match where it was four dudes with shock collars, blindfolded, kicking the shit out of each other. It was amazing.

Look it, I'm not going to trash meaningful comedy. I think that's what I call it. Sure. God bless you. Meaningful. Meaningful comedy. It's the opposite of comedy. It's like important comedy. But people want...

Look, the fart is still king. Sure. Assumptism is king. I mean, when everyone's trying to make a point, what makes you laugh harder than just pure silliness? Totally. When every late night host was like, Trump this, Conan would just go out and do jokes. Yes. And there was something kind of beautiful about that. And if you're all doing Trump, it's over. It's ruined. It's not edgy. No. No. I was next to Luis Gomez. He lost the bet with Jay. We're in front of thousands of people on Twitter.

streaming on moment and they stuck a Nintendo duck hunter gun in his bum. I held the mic to his mouth. Play the music. The sound effect for the duck hunt. And it was, I mean, dude, dude, Jake Shields, a champion and fighting.

Yeah! That's Lewis' ass. There was all the girl comics. Everybody was on stage. They raffled off two stage seats for guys to watch it at $1,500 a pop.

And Big Jay stuck a gun in Lewis's butt. Yeah. And it was the greatest, one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I love it. It was so funny, outrageous, and stupid. It made no sense. And I think comedy, all kinds of comedy should exist. Like you say the movie comedy, that's great that exists.

Yeah. But you need, if you have that, you need the other end of it. But no one's trying to take away meaningful comedy. That's what feels weird about this. People are like, hey, we got to shut that down. It's racist. It's homophobic. If you do meaningful comedy to me, you better fucking take it on the road and focus test it a little bit. And get laughs. Yeah, you better. Because when you're just doing it. Well, make it comedy. You don't have to. You should do that, but they don't have to. You don't have to, but you should. Because it'll make it better. It'll make it tighter. And it can still have meaning.

meaning and be tight and honed and good there's something about not being famous that makes you funnier because you're in a room full of people that like you and then there's a bunch of people that don't know who the fuck you are and you have to get them yes so when you're at a club and you have to get 25 of the room who just came because they got tickets or whatever yeah that makes you have to you know what i mean bring it when you show up and they're all there to see you which is awesome

Sure. Greatest feeling in comedy. That's the goal. But you get away with a lot more silly shit. But on the other end of that, when no one knows who you are, you have to kill every time and you can't write new shit. Absolutely. That's definitely the middle. Yeah, I think you're right. There's a middle ground to that, but it does make you better. But the meaningful comedy, which I, dude, I don't hate.

You know what I mean? It's good. Gary Gorman's depression. Great writer. Brilliant writer. He's a real comic. But that special moved me so much because I know I love him and the fact that he went away to get healthy first and then came back and was a comic second. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Those are brilliantly written jokes. If you haven't seen it, The Great Depression, HBO, Gary Coleman. Yeah, go to LouisCK.com first. It's on the homepage. I met you guys for the first time together in Atlanta. It must have been like 2010 or something. I was a fucking young-ass comic and you guys were both so cool to me. That was a mistake.

Yeah, we really fucked up. Yeah. You fucked up. Are you mad? Are you mad? I'm a little upset, Bobby. A little upset. Let's call this episode You Mad. A little upset. You mad? I saw Gaffigan downstairs at a comedy club and Legion of Skanks were upstairs doing their...

crazy horse shit. And Gaffigan's like, man, thank God for them. And I'm like, what? He's the cleanest comic on the planet. I'm like, you like them? He's like, they keep moving the line. Otherwise, other people will just move it all the way that way. Without them, you need both sides to keep moving it. You needed Dice. You needed Kinison. You needed Pryor. You needed this motherfucker. You need those guys to push

as far as they can push it and then we have so much room to play in. Right. So much more people can exist. Yes. That's a good point. I mean, even though if he was around today, he'd be a corporate shill. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He wouldn't be around. There's no way he'd be around today. That's true.

Unless he got that surgery. Look at this shit. Have you seen this? The Richard Pryor singing? This has been going around. Oh, God. It's amazing. He has a good voice. Before you play it, before this ruins everything in my life. That's what I say. It's weird. I get it. He's a good singer, but this is- Why does every comic, when they make it, a lot of them think they can put out a song? This is before we made it. No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 1966. 1966.

He hadn't made it yet. I mean, he's still a comic at this point. Oh, my God. Yeah. I can't. Please stop. It's incredible. Are you going to cry? No, Bobby's going to cry. No, I'm not going to cry. Are you going to cry?

This literally is ruining Pryor for me. All right, close. That's how I feel. It's great. That sweater is ruining it for me. I love that singing ruins him for you, but him freebasing and lighting himself on fire is good. That helps. That helps. That brings him up. Dude, if you saw Burt Kreischer sing like that, you'd be like, that's the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, that'd be a mindfuck. The fact that he has that ability. Dude, what are you talking about? He grew up in a whorehouse. What?

That's how he made his money when he was 10. Yeah. Fucking walk around. Baby, go sing for the gentleman. He is Don Draper. He's basically the Don Draper of comedy. This tragic fucking life. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going to throw up. Oh, wow.

All right. No. No. His tits alone are bothering me. Yeah, I know. That's a lot. That's a real milker. What's that? Yikes. Any other peeves or wrecks, anyone? I mean, you can't really top the ones we do. I mean, I have pet peeves. I just have people who break the law, but not the law of the land, human law. We have law, like Halloween. Halloween.

This is the first year that our neighborhood had kids in the last few years. Our neighborhood dies. I don't know if he knows, but neighborhood will die. Families move in the 50s. They have kids. The neighborhood's popping. Those people get old. The kids move away. The neighborhood dies. Those people die. New families move in. They have kids. The kids get older. They play on the block. It's rejuvenated. That's what happened to my neighborhood, my street.

never did trick or treat on my street because there was no kids. So old people now there's kids. So we did trick or treat. We had a party and, uh, we did, we walked around the neighborhood. We sent out flyers. Hey,

Number one, if you have a pumpkin, if you have lights or any decorations for Halloween and you don't have candy or you're not answering your door, you should be slapped in the face. You're right. You're a fucking piece of shit. Interesting. If you lit your house up orange and had a pumpkin...

a hologram pumpkin on your fucking side of your house and my kids ring your door and you and I can see your TV your hundred foot plasma on the wall watching the fucking stupid sports and you don't answer the door I should be able to crawl in your window and slap you in your fucking face and then take your remote and throw it in the woods I just have a picture of Bobby like banging on someone's door screaming you have

- I do it from the street. - With these kids behind you. - Where the fuck's the candy? - I do it from the street. I'm going, I just kept going, we see you. - Of course. - We see you. And now here's another one. - You guys are like, hello? - Hello. - Damn. - That was impressive. - That was long enough. - That's what's going on. - What candy are you giving out at your home? - Dude, we gave out everything.

Full size or fun size? You can't do full size. That's too much. You can't. It's too much. Full size was like an 80s thing, 90s. Killed Ralphie, man. Yeah. You got to give, but I let them take as much as they want. There you go. That's what I say. Wow. Take as much as you want.

Now, let's not get carried away. If the little streety fucker goes in and grabs you, he's like, I meant three. Yeah, right. As much as you want is three to four. Right. You go five, six, I'm slapping your hand. I'm looking at your dad going, this is what you raised? This piece of shit? Right? But here's another thing, too. That's a good one.

That's what happened with the bowl on the... Oh, shit. Here we go. I'm telling you. What the fuck? Because these savages... They take all of the bowl. They took the bowl. It never works. This is a gateway to juvenile hall right here. This is why communism doesn't work. But why do you leave the fucking bowl outside? Yeah, I raped a girl. It happens. What'd you do? I stole a bowl of candy and white planes. It started with a box of Whoppers. It ended with a knife at

The guy was in there. I saw him, but he didn't come out. So I took the whole bowl. My ring camera went off probably no joke 15 times Halloween night. All of it. And I took some screenshots. All of it. Hey, take one. Not the whole bowl. I'm not kidding. This is a thing now. These scumbags, these piece of garbage kids who don't have fucking morals because their families suck.

are just going up taking there's a bowl first of all I blame you you lazy cocksucker

If you're in there, open the door. Open the door. No, I'm blaming the person between these two. Okay, okay. The resident. The resident next door. Yeah. If you're in the house, open the fucking door, get a mask, do something, and say, hey, how you doing? Participate. Teach these for your job as a candy dispenser on Halloween is to teach these little kids one fuck face. You got to regulate. One. One.

And then they know they go to the next house. One, one, one. You hear one, one, one, one, one. You know to take one. But all these lazy fucking Halloween couple millennial shit people who left New York to go to fucking Westchester and get a house. Like you, Bobby. I know. I know. But I have morals. I have good morals. I don't have a dad, but I have good morals. You do. You do. Not you.

Not only do they, this is why these kids suck. They take all the candy and they have a bag to put it in, but they take the bowls. No. I'd kick them fucking ass. Literally? The bowl, the physical bowl. And some of these people are using these great bowls, these nice bowls that they like, which is stupid. That's not smart on their part, though. But why can't you leave a bowl out?

You should be able to, but I still don't think it's... In 1953, you could leave a bowl out. I don't think you could... 1980s, leave a bowl out. 70s, leave a bowl out. Dude, in the 80s, when I went trick-or-treating, first of all, two pillowcases. I would go out by myself, and we went up... He was a Klansman. That's what I meant. Yeah, that was my outfit. I needed one for the outfit, and to get into the club later that night.

I didn't think I was going to see my uncles. Oh my God. Mom's stealing the candy too. Oh, there you go. That's where he gets it. They're garbage people. You can buy it at Amazon soon and it's going to shoot up and you can threaten kids. Right. It'll shoot little things. Here's what I'm going to invent. I'm going to invent a steel thing that you drill into your deck and it dispenses one candy. Like a

a Halloween Pez dispenser. It dispenses one candy. This is all COVID shit too. People don't want to touch little kids and I get it. Nobody wants to be touching a bunch of little fucking rugrats. But you don't have to. Just fucking have the bowl and be like. Trick or treat. I get it. People just want to stay in the house. But then don't do the candy. Yeah, you're right. That's who it is. I blame them. It's one or the other. And the

fact that you're not going out with your kids there's 10 year olds going out you got to go out your kids now but kids suck now our generation my generation we had morals you got an ass whooping if you got caught stealing the candy what that's how you get them you got there you never got beat that's why you sit there well you threw your what you heard one loud voice you threw your wallet across the road i've

I've never heard an older person say that their generation was better before. This is crazy. You guys are better at a lot of things. Listen, Bobby was 13 drinking in a park with 30-year-olds. Let's not say his generation is better. They forced you to get drunk at 13, Bobby. We're trick-or-treating. If I took more than one candy, I'd get a beating.

I don't know. I blame both people. I blame the scumbag kids, but the people who don't, who just, when you just put a bowl out,

You're a piece of shit. Yeah, absolutely. Stay home. Stay home. Where are you? Where are you on? What was it, Monday? Yeah. Where were you? Where are you at on the no costume kids taking candy? I think you got to dress up. No costume, no candy. I'll tell you what. If you catch them, you should be forced to dress them in whatever costume you want to put them in. Ah, blackface. Well, what if- Now you got to go home with that.

I mean, most of them. Norman just stands at the door with tar just waiting for it. Once we start making clan and race jokes, we know that the booze has hit. Oh my God. Should probably wrap up soon. Yeah. You have a black face on black face? Get down. That'd be so funny.

Watch Bobby Kelly's special, Kill Box, lewisck.com. It's at the top. Home page. Love it. Top of the mountain top. What piece of shit that was like, let's move this down. Probably Lewis. No, no, I blame Joe List. Why? For his dumb move.

Because his shitty movie Was on the top Jesus Christ I mean it's a great movie And you were really good at it Yeah buy that too I've had three drinks For breakfast No it's a great movie Fantastic I mean Fourth of July is amazing Everything Louis is doing Is great Because he's literally Making his own Netflix And then giving other people Opportunities Like myself and Joe So cheers to Louis Hear hear Yay

Yeah. All right. Well, thanks, Bobby. Thanks, Liz. And let's plug some of Bobby's tour dates as well. Yeah. I got a podcast, too. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. You know what, dude? You know what, dude? Oh, you got Bargatze coming up. Tonight, we got the Regs, Louis, Joe, Dan, and Nate tonight. Woo!

And we might have a Louis CK might stop by. No. I'd like to get you guys on it sometime. I'd love to. I'd love to come by. That's great. I'd love to. It's so weird when you ask somebody to do a podcast. You're like, really? They're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be everywhere. Comedy Connection in Rhode Island. Laugh Boston. That first time in three years I'll be back in Boston doing a club. Mic Drop Comedy. Mic Drop in San Diego. Off the Hook Comedy Club. Ugh.

Governors. Tim Gage is opening for you at Governors. Helium Comedy Club Buffalo. Easy. Yeah. You and Tim Gage? Easy. He's on the verge of suicide. Who, Tim Gage? Oh, yeah. Fingers crossed. I watched his audition set. It was wild. Fingers crossed. Fucking hell.

Fucking Lace. He doesn't have a podcast. Fuck Tim Kitch. All right. So yeah, RobertKelly.com. Yeah, RobertKellyLive.com. There you go. Robert Kelly Live on Instagram, all that shit. Follow me on that. I guess that's what the kids do nowadays. Remember, don't take all the candy. Just take one. You got to get the watch and build an hour. Dude, that looks like Blade Runner. Yeah. That was James Webb who made that. We love it. Kansas City coming up, Tacoma, Spokane, then...

Okay, see, we've moved that. And then the real tour starts. We got St. Louis, Dallas. I don't fucking know. Go to samroll.com. Go to the website. It's always on his fucking Instagram. Dallas, all this shit. It's going to be nonstop. You can't have a family. I don't have a life. He has no family. Do you want a kid someday? Oh, please no. Yeah, I'd love to. What? Yeah, I have a kid.

I'm a few steps removed. A few? Sure, sure. But hey, let's go one step at a time. I'm literally hitting every city, Boston, D.C. That's not your website. Literally everything. That's Norman's. So just go to the website, Class Act. Mark, look at Mark does not like being married. He's away every fucking weekend.

I mean, you hate your wife. She's opening for him. She's going to take my wife to her. Yeah, I'm in New Haven, Wilbur, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Nashville, Buffalo, you name it. Blah, blah, blah. I like the road. I like the road. This is like fucking ACDC's tour. We're married to the sea, my friend. Yes, yeah, we're married to the sea. Exactly, C word. And...

She's very nice. She's a good egg. Huge tits. Very lucky guy. Queef. Mark trying to express you doing your vows. I love you. You're the best. Queef. Something. Wait, wait, wait. Are you writing your vows? I got another comic to write them. But I paid them. Orny Adams. You're good. I'm the best. But you're good.

BodegaCatWhiskey.com Buy the whiskey We love ya Liz you can see It would be nice If you could sell it In New York And you could Oh Jesus And we could have it At the cellar It'll be here by Christmas At the cellar The merch is coming too Might be out already by now I need merch Bobby it's delicious I know But I'm just letting you know It's worth falling off The wagon for Bobby No it's not First of all I'll come back here And slap you in the face If you don't drink it Ha ha ha

This is awesome. Good for you guys. This is like you're in money. We're trying. This is Ryan Reynolds. You're going to own a soccer team. This guy loves talking Ryan Reynolds. I love him. I try to squeeze him in wherever I can. What was the name of that poem you guys said when you drank? It's double your pleasure, double your fun, double your vision with Allen's 101. There you go. All right.

All right. You two, what do you got going on? Still a say less. NYC on 38th Street and Peter Plain NYC for all your house of hospitality bar restaurant needs. All right. Salamanca, Liz, anything? I'm directing Daniel Simonson's special. Whoa.

Comedy on State. November 18th. No check spot, I hope. Yeah, no check spot. All right. I love those people, Comedy on State. Good egg. Great club. The best. Eve and Anna. If you can, please donate to the Steve King GoFundMe. I mean, buy my special first. Yeah. Listen, spend $10 on Bobby's special. Worth it. I mean, they did hit the hundred. He also spelled Comic-Con. They both kill. They should have put a million. Yeah.

They both killed. We love you. And we'll see you very soon. Thanks for listening, guys. Up on the roof like a cop.

We'll be right back.