Ep 102: Matteo Lane - Gobble Gobble
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Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. We did different ones. Gobble, gobble. Shit. Here we are. Gobble, gobble's a peeve.

Already with a peeve. I got a peeve already. I don't like gobble gobble. Okay. What do you say on gobble gobble? To be honest, I don't think I've heard anyone use it so freely until right now. I should have seen my ex. Gobble gobble. All right. Well, you guys can both get stuffed. I have yesterday. I think he wanted to. Yeah, yeah.

Well, we're joined by one of our good buddies, a comic we love. Give it up. Mateo Lane. Happy Thanksgiving. The perfect Thanksgiving guest. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Not related to Nathan. No, but someone said to me at a restaurant the other week, this waiter comes like, I'm such a huge fan of your work. I love you, Nathan Lane. And I said, you know what?

I said, that's wrong, but honestly, it's right. Yeah. And then he gave me a discount. He was like, sorry for messing up your name. It's the Nathan Lane discount. I was like, okay, work. There you go. I love Nathan Lane. I'll take Nathan Lane. He's a legend. The Birdcage is one of the best movies of all time.

Huge. Time. Take that, bros. Just kidding. Well, how about, dude, Guys and Dolls? Isn't he Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls? I know he's in the producers. He's in Guys and Dolls as well. Guys and Dolls from like the 50s with Frank Sinatra? Yeah, they did a redo with Nathan Lane. Oh, they did? Yeah. Guys and Dolls, because he's got that very, I can see what's happening. Yes. Haven't got a clue. Oh. Wow, now I'm gay.

That's all it takes. Let's switch seats. I want some of that. All right. Get in there. I want some of that voice. It won't help your career, apparently. All right. We'll talk about that later. Sorry. That was off mic. You know, if I was straight, I would have already won an Oscar. Really? I'm teasing. Speaking of twinks, can you hand me a twinkie? Yeah. Thank you. These are not shaped like twinks. Are they pumpkin spice twinkies? I don't know. Oh. Hey, by the way, Dan Soda, we tried these for you. They hated them. Awful.

I thought it was decent. No, they're eggs. I like the normal sweet tarts. These are awful. And nerd ropes are great, so don't try and come for nerd ropes and be like sweet tart ropes. Grow up. Are these pumpkin Twinkies? No, I'll tell you right now, but they don't look like it.

I don't know. I don't like Twinkies. I did try the pumpkin Oreo, and it was very good. Oreo's getting cocky. Oh, dude. Oreo's everywhere. It's like, Oreo's really... What are they doing? I saw mint Oreo. They're like the Pop Heads. Oreos are now like the Pop Heads of flavor. It's just like... Do you know what I'm talking about? Those like Pop Heads with like every character is like one of those Pop Head action figures. Am I the only nerd here? Okay, sorry. This reference is not hitting. Oh, I know what you're talking about. It's very Asian.

It's like a Japanese thing. Yes, yes, yes. It almost looks like a Hello Kitty, but it could be anything, like X-Men. Those are cute. They are very cute. Yeah. I've had two fans make me them, and I'm very easy to do because I'm just Freddie Mercury's head and Storm's body from the X-Men. Remember we did a roast battle thing? It never aired. It was on Crashing. Why didn't they air that? They didn't air it. I'm still credited for Crashing. I was like, they took me and Sam out. By the way, they said, we have to cut you for time. I'm like, it's HBO. It's HBO.

There's no commercials. That's a great point. And then, so one of my lines in Mateo was, you look like you got Freddie Mercury poisoning. This is when you were skinnier, though. I know. This is before you were jacked. Before I had all my muscle. Now you're shredded. That's a great joke. And you ran those by me, and I was like, these are great. You're going to kill it.

I forget what my jokes were. You had some good ones. You had one about like... I'm not a good roaster. You were good. It was funny. You had something on me about like... It was something like Sam loves basketball and you can tell because he's tall. His career is going to end in his 30s and he's never met his father. That's pretty good. That was a good one. That was a great joke. I think I had one on you. It was like Mateo... What was it? I'm very easy on roasts. Mateo's from Brooklyn but he spends all his time in Queens. That was one. Yay!

Was it fun? That's a car. I had fun. I love roasts, but I'm bad at roasts. I'm easy to roast, and I'm bad at roasts. It was on TV, so I was like, I'll tell you, because you were nervous, I remember, before, and I was like, I'll tell you all my jokes about you. Nothing's mean. Right. I had a roast that I wrote, because they asked us to write roasts for Pete Holmes, and so my roast that they said, which I still think was funny, and I love Pete. I'm friends with him, but I said, Pete, why does your face look like the third version of the Mrs. Doubtfire mask? I thought that was kind of funny. That's good. Toodle-oo!

I had one they used on him. I think I gave it to Jamie Lee where it was like, you know, Pete's a born-again Christian. Pete, Jesus isn't coming back and neither is your wife. They both got nailed in a better place. Oh, God, Sam. That was mine. Yeah. Man, you got to keep that in your back pocket. Just reuse it? Yeah. For anyone, yeah. Twinkies are fucking good. I haven't had one forever. I wonder why they last. Give me a Twinkie. I'll try it. I haven't had a Twinkie in so long. Oh, God, Sam.

What are these we're drinking by the way? Yeah, so today we're drinking kind of like the trendiest cocktail in the last month Spagliato with a splash of Prosecco a Negroni Spagliato That was going around no, so the girl in Game of Thrones the new Game of Thrones how to drag him she bent to say Negroni Spagliato which already has Prosecco in it. So it's for some reason it took off online. She was like, oh

My favorite drink is Negroni with Prosecco Spogliato. Like, she just said it wrong. And that was everywhere. Like, it just blew up the internet. And, like, every bar has them because people are asking them. Because of this actress? Yeah. This is good. It is a pumpkin? I don't think it is. It is. I don't like Twinkies.

These like went through the Holocaust. Can't they like last 10 million years? They don't go bad. It's like cockroaches and Twinkies. It's Cher. That's how you know it's not good quality food. I know, I know. It's just a couch cushion and shit. I was trying to be on my diet and here I am sitting in front of a bunch of... I was eight, like I ate everything in Italy last week. You don't get a diet, dude. No, I did a lot. I was smoking cigarettes, drinking. You smoke cigarettes? Only in Italy. I'm one of those white women that's like, it's disgusting. And then the second you get there, I'm like, I'll have a cigarette. Yeah.

I was vaping like a motherfucker the other night because I'm out with my agent Gab and she just takes a vape out in the bar. And I'm just like, I guess I'm just, you're drunk so you're just dragging it all night. But is it a nicotine? Is it a hookah? Oh, okay. But it was like some weird flavor. Never satisfying as cigarettes. No, never. No, no. Cigarettes will hit you. Yeah, it's old school. Did you guys ever smoke? I've had a few in my day. Yeah, back in, drinking smoke, you know. Never, I was never like, I need a cigarette sober. I'll do anything when I'm drunk.

And we're neighbors. Oh, that's right. That's right. Don't pick up if I call. Don't pick up. Get married. Oh, my God. You got married. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Unless you got cold feet. Yeah, well, we might die down in New Orleans. You think so? Well, we're going to go hard, I'm assuming. I'm getting there a night early. Good.

And I think you're flying out the next morning. Oh, it's going to be rough. That's going to be real rough. Yeah. That's going to suck. I'm going to try to get a later flight, but I'm going straight to South Carolina. I don't have a lot of options. Oh, that's true, but it's not too far. I know, but the options suck. Yeah. You don't want to drive the six hours either. I don't want to drive ever. No, me neither. You're so New York. I love you. You're such a New Yorker.

I can't because it's someone from Chicago. It's kind of fascinating and exotic in a way to meet someone growing up in Manhattan. You have public. You have public. Yes, but nothing. You were like 13 getting on like the four or five six. That's crazy to me. Younger than that, I think. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that is why this is disgusting to pumpkin. So we got to try pumpkin soda. No, you need an opener.

I already got Gary Veeder. Same size. That's fucking rough. With the fixins? Hold on. Y'all get your fixins. Where did you find this shit? Clan Rally? Why? Pumpkin is overrated. I'm going to get sick, you guys. What is this? Pumpkin by Lester's Fixins. It's the McRib of spices. It comes out once a year. That's right.

That is disgusting. That's not good. You see that place in Cleveland, right by Hilarity's, it sells like 500 of those different flavored things. They have like vomit flavored pumpkin soda. Like the Harry Potter beans. Remember like the beans that had all those flavors together? Boy, you are a nerd. I am. I have no idea. I wasn't a big Harry Potter fan, but I mean, I just tried watching Lord of the Rings, the new Lord of the Rings, because I'm watching House of the Dragon and Lord of the Rings, and Lord of the Rings was really terribly written.

I never watched it. They spent a billion dollars on this show and it was a flop. Really? Yeah. It was the new Lord of the Rings. Amazon did a TV series and it just was terribly paced. Really, Mark? You like it? Give it a little kick. House of Power was great. Or House of Dragon.

Oh, is it good? I loved it. I'm very much a... I never watch Game of Thrones. Oh, it's fun. It's good. You know what? You're on the road a lot. You should start watching it. I might start, but you know what the problem was? I really started getting pushed to watch it the last season, and every week they were like, you gotta watch it. And then after every episode came out, they're like, it's the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen. Right, it got way worse towards the end. Just the last few episodes. No, I heard it's great. I gotta watch it. But if you're... Like, we're all...

I don't know if anyone travels more than us so it's like if you're on a plane just watch it because it makes the flights fly by you know what I was watching again that I never finished so I started from the beginning and I started watching again is Atlanta it's really good I never watched Atlanta it's such a good show Donald Glover is fucking good he's great

He's great. He can rap, write, sing. It's like Black Louie. Yeah. Yes. That's perfect. But about music and not comedy. But it's like that type where it's like one episode could just be like anything. Yeah. He's too talented. I just started watching The Office again. Oh.

Still good. I love The Office. I got into it during the pandemic. Yeah. You never watched it before? No. Wildly offensive. When you watch it, you're like, whoa, that was a retard joke or that was a gay joke. That was a black joke. Like they went for it. Early seasons. And it was NBC. The episode where the Oscar was gay and then Michael was like kissing him. I mean, even it's so even as a gay guy, I was like, oh, this is so painful.

It's so painful to watch. It's so, Michael is such, but he's like, cause George Costanza, I'm obsessed with Seinfeld, but George gives me Ajita. I get so anxious watching George. And, but for some reason, Michael doesn't in the office. It doesn't give me the same kind of, well, it's so over the top, you know? Well, I think the problem with George is, you know, that Larry David really did a lot of this shit. Right.

Whereas with Michael, you're like, well, this is an insane. That's how they get away with, or at least got away with that type of behavior where they're like, well, this is clearly an imbecile. Right. But that's comedy. You should be allowed to make characters like that. And I do think it's harder to make even like an anti-hero. Like you couldn't make Eastbound and Down now. You don't think? No way. No one would make that shit. Well, it's the same with All in the Family. You got a racist. He's the center of the whole show. And people are like, you can't have that. But like he was the punchline. He was the butt of it. Yeah, but it worked because like, and then you have the over the top liberal. Right.

Maud. That's where Bea Arthur came by, was discovered with Maud. Oh, that's right. She was the sister and she came in and then they were like, she's so good, they gave her Maud. Yeah, yeah. Same with Frasier. Frasier was a spinoff of Cheers. Oh, that's right, off of Cheers. I never got into Frasier. Frasier's so good. I never, I think you would like it. Dude. It does seem like they're all gay. Oh,

Oh, yeah. It's a very gay straight show. Yeah. I mean, it was like Will and Grace before. It's like Will and Grace with no butt-to-butt. It was high society, but it's gay. Will and Grace is also... Oh, Leslie Jordan just died. Will and Grace was... I met him once. Really? He could not have been any nicer. We did a gay cruise together, which I'll never do a cruise again. I absolutely hate cruises. What's a gay cruise like? Isn't it just a cruise? Literally, it's the worst part. Yeah, it was pretty horrible. Cruising. Cruising, just because...

Have you seen that movie with... It's been a while. With Pacino? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So offensive. I got all my gay knowledge from that movie. Was from cruising? Yeah. This is more fun than Family Thanksgiving. It's going to be by a lot.

And I love my family, but this is more fun. Yeah. Thanksgiving wasn't a big thing for my family because it was my dad's side of the family. My mom's the Italian-Mexican side, so my dad's side was just the Irish-white side. And I love his family, but they're not as many or interesting. So all my cousins and I were just missing each other on Thanksgiving because we were like, we can't be with each other. And then obviously Christmas was all Italians. That was fun. But Thanksgiving was always just kind of American food and not fun. Really?

I love it. I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this. I think we should just do Chinese food on Thanksgiving. Whoa. Easy, Jew. I love it. What the hell? You crazy? We got the turkey. We got the stuffing. We got the gravy. I don't like turkey and I do not like stuffing. I don't like gravy. I said it. There's a turkey shortage. What? There's all these turkey problems. No. Or at least let's start slow. Turkey's dry and bad. Gobble, gobble.

Drying bag. Kind of like my last relationship. That was my last relationship. This thing on. But at least we'll start it slow. We get a side of General Tso's in there. Maybe some Mushu, a couple egg rolls. You're like China. You're inkling in slowly. Your troops are at the gates. But very like...

I love Chinese food, especially... And I'm the... Because I get mad at people when they don't know what real Italian food is. I know I'm the dumb American that has no idea about anything about Chinese cuisine besides what's in Manhattan. But there's a New York... There's a style of New York Chinese food. Yes, yes. Very much so. Sichuan around... In this neighborhood, dude? Pretty good. Pretty damn good. Yeah. No, I...

And you have to get something like General Tso's chicken, you have to get in the restaurant. Otherwise, it comes too soft. You know when you order it online? Oh, yeah. It comes mushy. Mine's in the last relationship. Also same. Don't order it online. Yeah. I know what you mean. But I'm not a big fan of turkey. I know it's controversial. I'm not a big fan of turkey or gravy. Mashed potatoes I like. Turkey. I like deli turkey. I don't like like. I'm hanging out with ISIS here. Come on.

We gotta have turkey. We gotta have stuff. Green bean casserole. No, not that goddamn green bean casserole. I do like the marshmallow yams on the top. Marshmallow yams? Why don't you put these on, you fucking eight-year-old? Jesus Christ. I like when someone makes macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes. Mac and cheese is overrated, too, unless it's got the good bread. Get out. You've never had good macaroni and cheese. The breadcrumb crunch on it, I'll give it to you. But if it's just soft. That's why people marry that guy. Get in here.

That is white people macaroni and cheese. Real macaroni and cheese does not have breadcrumbs on top. No one wants breadcrumbs on top of their macaroni and cheese. I want a crunch. Because the cheese is supposed to be so like cooked on top that that's your crunch. Okay, then that's acceptable. But I think I've had a lot of mediocre mac and cheese. I will take you to a place that's got great mac and cheese. Take me. Yeah, there's restaurants that just do mac and cheese.

Smack? That's the one. Smack is alright. I've never felt that. Although, can I say something really, I mean, also controversial? I do still love Kraft. A box of Kraft mac and cheese. I don't mind Kraft either. It reminds me of college. Yeah. My friend from Italy, Alessandro, was like, I don't understand why your cheese is orange and powder, but it is very good. Yeah. I'm like, I know. It's not bad. You're freezing it, you know? Yeah. I like it, but I...

If I have a cheesy craving in New York, it's like pizza every time. Sure, of course. Of course. Now, what kind of pizza do you guys like best? Because I'm born in Chicago, of a super Italian family, not living in New York. I love Chicago pizza. I prefer thing first. I got Chicago pizza with you for the first time. We got Giordano's. No, we did Luminati's. Luminati's, yes. Luminati's was good. Luminati's. But it's a day-ender, that type of pizza. You have two slices. You want to put a rope around your neck. Yeah. But you're so heavy after that shit, it would break the rope. It's fentanyl. You know what I mean? It's terrible. Yeah.

Break their rope. No, it's... I like Thin Crust, Cole Lovin'. We just went to Arturo's last week. Oh, that's a classic. Me, Liz, Rachel, Keith Robinson, and we... Oh, Keith. We had fun. We got Arturo's. We got... I love Joe's. Joe's is good. Joe's for like a late night slice. I love...

Shit, John's. We've done John's before. John's is good. John's on Bleeker. I've not gone there yet. Pies only, no slices. Really? That's their thing. I could get down with that. I had a slice on, it's on the Lower East Side. I want to say it was like another famous place. Chris DiStefano's picture was on the wall.

Really? Yeah, yeah. It's all Dagos, all guineas. And I was like, oh, there's, of course, Chris and stuff. I was like, I fucking love this pizza. It's so fucking good. It's my favorite. My daughter loves it. Fucking Titi loves it. Everyone loves it. Yeah. It's fucking great. I know. Lombardi's.

Lombardi's is good. It's good, but it's a little overrated. Best pizza in New York, which is a Naples pizza, is Robalta on 12th Street and Broadway. We went there together. I don't know that one. And it's only brought Andrew Santino there, too. Only Diego. He loved it. He's such a wop. Good pasta there, too. Really good pasta. Yeah, we did it up. We got to go back there, man. What's it called? I want to go. Robalta. Robalta. Kitty Corner to the Strand. Oh, all right. Great. But everyone's from Italy. Even the clients. It's all Italians. Okay, because Joe's is all Mexican now.

Have you been to Joe's? Yeah, of course. That was the old Michael Che joke. I remember Michael Che had that bit where he was like, I want some authentic pizza brought to me by Mexicans. Yeah, yeah. That was great. Being both Italian and Mexican. You know what's funny? Is like at restaurants where there's Italians and Mexicans working with each other or Italians and at least Latinos is the mix of Italian and Spanish. It's like its own language. Right. Because they're so similar and you can hear this like, it's like, there's just a bunch of just some kind of documentary. It's literally this

made up language in these restaurants that the Italians and Latinos are speaking. Oh, really? They combine them. They combine the languages, which is great. This is Revolta. Okay. This is like, they have two types of pizza, but like the individual style, like the ones above are like, a dock is what I get on the right. A dock. Yeah, that looks good. That's all I have. Ooh, a broccoli rabe on a pizza with sausage. That sounds pretty nice too. They also have a great, uh,

really soft. Not like, you know, you have some, what did Martin Scorsese's mother say? You take some, you throw it against the wall, the wall cracks. Yeah. Really good dessert. They have something called, Dude, I didn't realize Scorsese had like five wives, by the way. He has? He's had like, I think maybe at least three. Really? Also, Dennis Hopper had like five wives. You know,

All these guys from Hollywood, you're like... Scorsese kind of shocks me. I just went down a Scorsese rabbit hole the other day on YouTube. Yeah. He fucking partied. Really? Oh, my God. In the fucking 70s and 80s, he was like uncontrollable. You know what? Good for him. Hell yeah. He married Isabella Rossellini? Yeah, dude. Gorgeous. Beautiful. One, two, three, four, five. Helen Sherman. Not all. He dated Elena Douglas. Oh, yeah. Damn. She's in a few of the movies.

I think he dated or at least slept with Liza Minnelli. I'm not kidding. He did. No doubt about it. Yeah, he was banging her on a movie he was directing. It was so fun. Maybe you're king of comedy. Wait, so the mascarpone. That was Sandra Bernhardt. I think they're both in it. Oh, maybe you're right. You're right. That is, it's whipped mascarpone, like sweetened. I can't describe it, but it's fucking, it's great. Oh, boy. It's really, really, really good. All right. Love it all tough. Is that your favorite dessert, mascarpone? Yes. In New York City, this is my favorite dessert. Okay.

All right, well, James Corden will hate it. What did he do? He went to Balthazar, which, by the way, I'm a native New Yorker. I've never been to Balthazar. I went once. It's fine. It's not great. It's a thing, I think. It's a scene. It's a scene.

I was drunk walking by with a friend the other day and he's like, we have to go. And I was like, all right, all right. But I hate being like making forced plans. I also hate waiting in lines and there's always like huge lines around. Unless you like know somebody or I don't know. Yeah, the real housewives are there. I was there once. I saw Jared Leto. He's so hot. He looks fucking great. He's like 50 or something. I know. He's 29. Would you?

Jared Leto? Are you fucking kidding me? If he was like, eat my shit, I'd be like, yeah. You'd eat his poop? No, I wouldn't go that far, but you know, I'd at least consider it. I mean, he's hot. That's how you know you're hot. When you're like, would you eat my poop? And you're like, give me five. Yeah, it depends on what you eat. Let me call my friends. Let me consult. Jared Leto? He's a gonzalist.

He looks, doesn't he look fabulous? I mean, he looks a little, he's looking a little like right there. He's getting a little Kristen Stewart. Yeah, holy shit. He's transforming slowly. I feel like he doesn't have a gender at this point. Right. Like he hasn't picked it. Damn, he's fucking ripped. He's a guy. He's ripped. All right, he's back. Did you guys hear about how he found out about the quarantine and pandemic? Because he was like doing a retreat in the desert in Nevada or Arizona or somewhere for like three months.

And then came out in the middle of it having heard nothing about it because there's like no cell phone service or whatever. It's just like a little cultist shit that he's doing. So he came out and he goes, you know what? I'm not doing this. I'm going back in. Just like retreated back into the desert. That sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, I know. A desert. Like everyone who goes to fucking Burning Man, I'm just like, no, thank you. Who are you? Miss...

No, Mary. Oh, my God. I was just talking. A girl was messaging me. She's like, I got to tell you all. Let's get a drink. I'll tell you all about Burning Man. I was like, I'll get a drink with you if you promise not to talk. I know. Because that's the most interesting thing that she's done in her life. She wants to tell you about shitting in sand and having sand in her fucking armpit and nose and vagina. If you went to Fyre Festival, I'll listen. Yeah.

Oh. All right. If it's Bernie, man, I don't give a fuck. I'll tell you, I had chlamydia twice one year. They called me Bernie. All right. Yeah. Does Stefano get chlamydia three times in one summer? Oh, he beat me. The summer of Chrissy. Yeah. Chlamydia is worse than chlamydia. Oh, yeah. By a long shot. You get some, what do you call it? Discharge. Oily? With the Ghana. Yeah. It's rough. Yeah. Thanks again for that. Yeah. No problem.

You said you needed sugar and one thing led to another. So Jared Leto, who else is like a hot celeb? Oh, that's a good question. Hot celeb. You know who I used to love back in the day was Eric Bana. Oh, yeah. I thought he was fucking hot. And he's Munich, so he's fucking up. Yeah, he's like a badass Jew, so extra points. Oh, is he? Oh, have you not seen Munich? I have.

I didn't know he was Jewish. That's a great movie. No, no, he's always... I'm thinking of him in Troy. Oh, he's playing a Jew, right. Type in Eric Bana in Troy. This is when he was like... I was like, I remember being like...

He's so hot. Where did he go? He kind of went away. I think he's probably making better films. Yeah, let's see what he's been up to. Oh, yeah, he's a hunk. Yeah, he's really hot. I mean that. He's like a manly or Hugh Jackman. Why were we looking at Brad Pitt in this movie? Oh, just because he can sing? He's fucking Wolverine, dude. Ah, good point, good point. It's enough of Wolverine. I'm done with Wolverine. It's enough. Really? It's enough already. I haven't seen Logan. I hear it's great.

It's fun. I don't care about that fucking character. What do you want them to be doing? More music? I want, like, let's get Storm right. Jersey Boys. They've got, like, seven. Storm! Don't. Mark, get out. You are. This is the gay Marvel corner. This is the gay Marvel corner. Gay dudes love Storm. Why is that? Because she was. Because she was, like, a drag queen kind of. She was so over the top. Like, every time they would use her powers, they'd be like, Storm, can you open the windows? She's like, winds rise!

She was a sorceress dramatic she had the hair the way I mean amazing I'm so wet Rain joke, but Halle Berry fucked up that care why she was just like it should have been Angela Bassett I feel like that's what everyone said yeah, she's in Wakanda and Black Panther So we can't now it's you can't mix it can mix the mix. Oh

You know, what's his name? Brolin is Thanos and Deadpool, right? Excuse you? Wait, you're thinking of Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool? No, he's Cable in Deadpool. Oh, shit. He is? Yeah, he's like the main villain in Deadpool 2. Come on. Well, you know what? Maybe because... I can hear the vaginas drying out there. All this nerd talk. But all the dicks are going up? Yeah, I guess so. All right. Demographic. Would you guys have more men or women? Men for sure. Yeah. Men for sure. I think two are probably gay.

Yeah, they're hosting the show. Get over it. Yeah, my demographic is mostly men. Although on YouTube, it's more women. Really? Interesting. I think it's like cook or something. I don't know. Ah, yes, yes, yes. My lady will suck up any cooking stuff. Really? Loves to cook. British bake-off, all that shit. Obsessed. But yes. The plight of a comedian.

You got to bitch. Bitching is part of the job. I agree. I love complaining and I hate when you hang out with normal people and they're like, you complain a lot. I'm like, God, I miss comedians. That's New York energy too. It's not just comics. It's New Yorkers. This is how New Yorkers relate to people. You complain for 30 minutes and then you go, but life's good. Yeah. That's how we talk to each other. And we get it out. And it's more fun to complain than going, life is great. How great is everything? I hate...

There's no sense in being false with one another. You know what I mean? Yes, exactly. Like, we're all like, everything's wonderful and great and grand. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, well, I've collected a good crew. Just make the bitching somewhat funny. I mean, that... Yeah, that's the key. Because she goes, all you do is complain, and now you have a peeve section on your podcast. You're monetizing your whining. Hell yeah. That's called comedy. I love your mother.

I mean, what do you think Seinfeld and all that? Like Patton Oswalt has that great joke about, he's like, ah, it sucks. I love my wife, you know, which is not really funny. Hey, hey, cuddle time. Love you. Hugs and kisses. You know, it's not funny. Complaining is funny. My crew of like, my crew of gays are very, very funny, bitchy, mean to each other type of people. What? Gays? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Gays are pretty mean. No. In a fun way. In a fun way. In a fun way. New York gays at least are culturally sassy, I think. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I think just like, you know, we sort of run this town. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you got Broadway. Got Broadway. We've got all the West Side. Yeah. And it's also funny, like dead of winter, there's still walking around with an iced coffee. Yeah.

I'm never a nice coffee guy. Me neither. I'm always hot coffee. Even in the peak of summer, I'm still hot. Same. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the gays are interesting because they get labeled as like wussy, you know, twink boys, but they've Irish. What is that? Hell's Kitchen used to be like Irish gangs and now it's all gay. They won. The gays beat them. The

The Village, Chelsea. Yeah, you got the whole west side. It's impressive. The gangs step back for a sec. They're making this area pretty nice. Yeah, exactly. Fuck the gangs. Gang bang. Let's go all in. Gang bang. What a...

I assume that happens. So what other actors? Other than Banner? Michael B. Jordan. Okay. He's a hunk. I can't even look at him. It's so hot. Like that kind of face. You're like, I wouldn't even know what to do if you were in the room with me. I would literally jump out a window. Like too good looking. Yeah.

I don't know. It's cool when you get a gig where you just have to be in shape. So he's just got trainers all day making sure he's ripped for like another creed. Yeah, what am I training for? Yeah. Pictures. I haven't done those kind of photos in a long time. Now I just do comedy.

Ooh, go back to the pics. Oh, come on. I don't feel anything for Helmsworth. Really? Why not? The ladies love him. I think they're beautiful, but I just... No Harry Styles. No? I'm not into Harry Styles. I think I like what he represents and I like his music, but as a sexual... Do I want to have sex with Harry Styles? Why is that? I don't. Because he's a homewrecker? Yeah. Or also with The Rock. I'm not... He's hot. I understand he's hot. He's basic.

Is he basic? Yeah, he's just boring. He doesn't seem interesting. Okay, Brad Pitt, of course. I mean, beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Idris Elba, yeah. Yes, I could. Okay. Yeah. All right. I think Idris Elba's hot. Oh, my God. Look at Michael B. Jordan. I mean, he is like the hot. That's fucking hot. He's got like an eight pack. Oh, yeah. What is his arm doing on the right? I know. It's bursting through that sleeve. I mean, it does look a little Photoshopped. I'll be perfectly honest with you. Oh, you would know. Yeah, dude. We all look the same shirtless. Come on. Fuck that shit. Whoa. How did he make it in? Paul Rudd?

He's like 50-something. Jewish. Is he? Yeah. Hey, score one for the tribe. I'll tell you, we're all right. He's my number one. Really, Henry? If I was going to go for a guy, that would be my guy. Top or bottom? Oh, he's got to be a top. I would take the hit. I would check your sources. Oh.

Really? I'm kidding. I have no clue. You are sassy. I have no clue. That was sassy as fuck. Speaking of Game of Thrones, I just hated Aquaman so much I have no respect for him. Oh, wow. I was watching it at Stav's place one day and we're just watching. I was like, damn, Amber Heard is really hot.

Not that wig. She was. I like that red hair. It's kind of sexy. Oh, it was awful. That wig was worse than that divorce trial. Zac Efron, who fucked up his jaw, almost died, and I think had to get reconstruction surgery. How? How'd he do that? And probably got some, like...

other filler something to even out whatever happened and people just read him for filth they were like he fucked up his face look at his fucked up plastic surgery how'd he fuck his jaw he ran into a wall or something and like his jaw dislocated and then he like made some comment about it he was like yeah i almost died but thanks for making me feel like shit i was like okay working interesting jason statham yay or nay nay nay he's pretty cool though fine that that's all it took

I don't know. You can do worse. George Clooney, this photo is awful. Yeah, he's young here, though. This is an awful, awful photo. Really? Well, it looks like one of those, I don't know, Ann Lebowitz, like a child gave birth, we're putting it in a flower type photo. Like, what is this picture? It's a weird one. It's a weird photo. I'm uncomfortable. Robert Downey Jr., I do not think he's attractive. I like the smoking. Okay, you're like a bad boy.

Jared Leto, we've discussed it. I said yes. Is he your number one? No, no, no, no, no. He's number one. He's up there. Probably Michael B. Jordan. I mean, that is... I also... Bradley Cooper's hot, but also just not like... I don't know. Sometimes we're told people are the hottest men ever. I hear that. I'm like, are they...

I agree. There's a lot of ladies like that, too. Like who? Well, they tell you, like, Julia Roberts is so hot. I'm like, she's pretty. She's like a pretty lady. She's very beautiful, yeah. There's no sex appeal with her to me. Really? Yeah, I just think she's like a pretty lady. I wouldn't say you don't want to throw her down and give her the business. I met Johnny Depp. I was...

for some reason I was at Jimmy Kimmel. My friend was working there or something. And I was, when you go in, I went through the back and he was outside smoking. And this must've been a rough time in his life because it was a little,

than usual. Oh, boy. But when I walked by him, he was smoking, and I thought to myself, that person would be a perfect Johnny Depp imitator. Oh. But they might be a little too unkept, a little doughy. Because I was so used to- You'd be a great Johnny Depp if you weren't so fat. Can you imagine? Yeah. And it's not even, I'm not using the word fat, it's just I was used to one Johnny Depp, and he looked very unkept. And I think it was during his drinking- He stressed.

Wow Amber Heard's not the only one throwing shit Alright It was wild when she shot the bat Anyway so It was funny that I walked by him He's very attractive Like young Johnny Depp is very hot Insane Gorgeous Oh my god Gorgeous Ed Wood Yes He gave me Ed Wood We were all thinking the same thing Thank you Good actor really seems to care This is kind of a fun Is that it? That's the end of the list? Oh Cho-Cho

He's good. I don't think I know who Jon Cho is. He's in a ton of stuff. Oh, I know him. Oh. I think that guy. He's handsome. I think he's a handsome guy. Yeah, he's handsome. Ryan Gosling. Cute. Cute.

And fucking great in the nice guys. Come on. Leonardo DiCaprio is a little... I don't quite get it. Well, he's aging out a little bit. As a kid, he was... Well, that sounds gorgeous. Wouldn't it be funny if he just went the way of Brando and just got super fat but was still fucking everyone? He might. He might go there. He could go there. He could totally do it. He could be like Apocalypse Now Brando and we'd be like, nah, whatever. So when you're a 22-year-old Victoria's Secret model and you go on a date with Johnny Depp, you know the expiration date. Like, he only dates 20-year-olds.

Leo, you mean? He's going with Leo. Yeah, Leonardo. That's all he dates. Right. Because then it's like, then he breaks up with him. Once they reach like 26 or 27, it's like done. Yeah. So in my mind, I'm like, do you think like the girls are thinking, well, I'll just go along for the ride. This is kind of a credit. Or like, I'm going to change him and marry him. Probably a little of both. I think there's a lot of...

I get to bang Leo. You know, that's on my resume now. And I bet I, it's like a comic, you know, what a bad crowd. You're like, I'll get them. Yeah.

There's a lady probably like, I'll get him to the last. You see the comic, a comic you respect bombing before you're like, they don't know how to reach him. I'll turn it around. Exactly. How do you handle like when like a really bad heckler, like not even in a fun way, just keeps like kind of fucking up the vibe. I hate it. I go nuts. And I've been getting that more and more.

Like, I'm getting the super fan who's so excited that he's ruining the show. Yes. I just had that, and I kicked him out last week and a couple weeks ago in Dallas. Drives me insane. They're like, I love you. You're great. I'm a fan. Like, all right. You're ruining me. That's what you get in Texas, honestly, because you get a combo of, like, the best people and just animals. Like, you get Dallas. Houston's another one. Houston. Dude, they fucking party in Houston. Oh, yeah. So you get that, like.

You get that like fun guy energy. So part of the crowd is like the best crowd you've ever had. Yeah. I had one dude, the whole show was like, please just take a picture with me. I'm like, now? I know. And I was like, fuck it. Just to shut him up. I like take my mic. I would go down. I take a selfie with him. And then he just keeps going. I was like, God damn it. Yeah, you rewarded bad behavior. I did. I didn't know what else to do. Because I go to great lengths to not get someone kicked out. Yes. I don't want them to get kicked out. I do. Really? Because I...

what bothers me is I'm on stage. The, my biggest thing, I don't mind if someone's like, you know, like the worst thing to me is if I'm in the middle of a bit and someone's talking at me, it fucks up my, it's like music. It fucks up my rhythm. Same. And then I can't get into the rhythm and then I'm stuttering. And now I've lost the rhythm and the connection with the crowd. Yeah. And it's like, because this guy won't shut up. And I'll say, I'm like, if you don't stop talking, like I know you're, I'll give him a warning. I'm like, Hey, I'm like, I know you're excited to be here, but just like, I'm letting you know, like,

you're talking it kind of messes me up blah blah blah and if they keep doing it I'm like you gotta go I get warnings too but I really really don't want I feel for drunks I really do I've been there I do not well Mark and I drink more than you so I think there's a part of us that's like

We've been that young drunk kid. So I think there's... Then this is where they learn their lesson, how to hold their liquor. Maybe. Otherwise, you're rewarding bad behavior. And the next comedy show they go to, they drink even more. Because I just got the worst message ever. I'm sure you guys hate this message. Let's hear it. I'm coming to your show in D.C. next week. A bunch of friends and I... Oh, I thought you were going to say I'm pregnant and it's yours. But okay. I...

A bunch of friends and I were going to get wasted and come to the show. I get that all the time. I hate that. And I wrote back. I said, okay. I said, just letting you know, they will kick you out if you, if you disrupt the show. Yeah. That's what I wrote back. People, there's this weird misconception that a comedy show is a party, you know, like the Bert Kreischer's of the world. We're all going to take our shirts off and, you know, fist pump and do shots. And that's the after party. That's the after party. Yeah. But, but I have a set. I got a performance. I got to do it. I think people see the videos. Most,

I'll say most of my crowds are very well behaved. It comes out to seem... I mean, you have some wild people in your crowd. But I do. But I also... You have to realize I record every set and I do a shitload of sets. So people think that. But I just do so many shows. Yeah. So...

what is that one out of like 10 shows there's a weirdo sure it's nothing maybe even less and you get the clip and you get a funny clip to promote shit where I don't have to burn material but no I think they're actually my crowd's really well behaved we have a similar channel by the way mine too oh dude I just did your show and they were awesome that was so fun but

Yeah, I will get that occasional message. People are like, it's my friend's birthday. Can you roast him? I'm like, no, I don't know anything about roast him. I know. That's like for your close friends. It's a kind of narcissism. It is. It's a real narcissist. I always say to people when they interrupt shows, like there's 600 people and one person. I, what I, my go-to line, cause we all have go-tos. I'm like, I will point them. I want everyone to see this is what a real narcissist looks like. Yeah.

It's so loaded coming from a person holding a microphone. Isn't that shocking? How ironic. But it's true. I said so many people flew here or got babysit. Well, not babysit. No one has kids at my shows. But I'm like, you know, I'm like, the people came from long distances and you came here and thought tonight's about me. No one else has behaved this way, but for some reason it's okay by me. So everyone, this is a real narcissist in front of you. That's good. That's good. It's a good title for a special though. Real narcissist. A real narcissist. At least we get it out in a healthy way.

That's true. We're getting it out. I guess so. I think so. It's entertaining. It's entertaining. And then you can kind of shut off and be a person. I think that's not bad. Because they do like seeing like what's going on behind the curtain. Oh, they love it. Once you stop like the performance aspect and you get really real. You know, because for the most part, they really do think like we're just talking off the top of our heads. Right. So when you're really getting real, they're like, come on. Some of it's off the top of our heads. Right. I mean, we always...

I mean, no one show is the exact same as another show. No, no, no, no. Not at all. Ideally it would be. But yeah. But also, but you know what? I kind of like being thrown just a little bit. Just a little bit. It keeps you from going on autopilot. Yeah. Yeah. Just a hint. Even you want it to be different. I feel like it's bad for your brain to do the same. That's true. I'm forcing myself now. I said, I know I have my hour and I'm working. I'm just doing the first 25 minutes or just.

Well, good for you. I just can't. And it's the best to do on the road because everyone's excited. Exactly. But I'm like, I'm so sick of my jokes. I heard a comic once say, if you have a joke where you say, so five years ago, but just the next time, say four years ago. And the time of that, say six, because it makes you not go on autopilot. Because you have to remember to change it. I heard stories that David Tell, I'm sure he still does this, but...

He would just... He would have a tag that killed and he would just do a different tag every show. Yeah. And people would be like, you have... It works. Why? And he's like, well, I just want to try... I mean, it makes sense. It keeps you present. It keeps you looking for more. It keeps your brain alive. Isn't that strange that you're in front of like a thousand people and you're like... You're fighting with yourself. You're like, get into it. Like, you know, like if you go on autopilot, you're fighting the autopilot. I know. Do you know what I mean? Not that it happens often, but the times that it does and you're like...

Isn't that strange? It's crazy. But we're not Broadway actors. I mean, this isn't a scripted show. I mean, look, there's a script that we break. It's almost more closer to a Curb episode than it is. You know where it's going to go, and you have lines, but I think you do have to keep trying different things. You do. Or you'll get bored. Yeah, that's for sure. I was trying to run my hour in Dallas, and I had six shows in.

And I was like by the fourth show, Caitlin Palufo, who's a fucking amazing comedian. We got to get her on here. We got to get her on. She drinks too. She'd be perfect. She's the group. She's so amazing. Killer. Killer. And, uh, and fun to hang with. Great. Um, yeah, we did a gig together a while back and we had a ton of fun. Oh, she's the best. She's like an old sailor. She'll throw them back. She, um, uh,

But the last two shows, she kills. Oh, yeah. Hard follow. But it's good, though. I like that, too. I'm like, she's murdering right now, so good. I got to step up my pussy. I got to get up there and really try. But the last two shows was like, fuck it. I just took out my notebook of the shit that I'm working on at the cellar, put it on stage, and just did as much as I possibly could. And it was like, you get off stage, and I'm like, I feel like I have a soul again. Yes. Like, it just...

fills you up so much. I know. What I do is I do a full 45-50 and then I do a Q&A and I can tell they're like, oh, we can relax a little. I was going to ask you about that. Do you just say, like, ask me any question? I go, thank you. That was the set. They applaud and I go, you guys have any questions? And I say, shout out a news story or something. Yeah, I do the same thing. I've been doing it for a while because I'm just like, I get bored and it's a way to...

to scare myself. Like, yeah, can I do this? Exactly. I remember opening for Dave when I would open for a towel, he would bring me up on stage or whoever was opening. Cause he would get bored. Right. I think it was a way to like challenge himself and be like, I can, you know, make this work. And I, with news stories, it's a way to be like, all right, I read the news. I have an angle on everything. I don't have a bit, but I always have a way of, I have an inkling where I could go. And that's enough.

It's fun. To guide you and to scare you in a, like, you know, trust that muscle memory. Like, I'm a comic. Let's fucking think of a joke on the fly. Yeah, you're on your toes again. And I love that. And the crowd is so invested. They're on the edge of their seat like, oh, what's he going to say? Or what am I going

yellow i think that too they're like i wish i said i should and they asking their friends like should i ask this yeah you know what it's like it's like it's like you're a power hitter and the pitcher throwing the ball all over the place and there's like a ball over here and a ball over here but every once you get one right down the fucking pipe right just destroy it and you get that extra love yes because they're like holy shit spontaneous i just had a crowd work special but i called the advice special so i did just that i said it should be november 20th so maybe by now but

Who knows? On YouTube.com slash Matteo Lane. Yeah, Matteo Lane. And it was shot beautifully. We did it at the Village Underground. We did two shows back to back, but the first show was like, we got it. Was I on that one? You were the second show, which I'm going to do something with also. We had fun. I had a blast with you. You didn't know I knew that much about musicals, did you? Ha ha ha ha.

Well, then I'm like, oh, you're New York and Jewish. Like, of course you do. Like, you know what I mean? But it was it was like kind of like that where I said, just ask me. Give me it. Ask me a question. I'll give you advice. So instead of me being like you, you, you, they started shouting, you know, of course, it's all gays.

Right. So it's not just going to be like, you know, I think my boyfriend's cheating on me. This one guy was like, so I'm sleeping with this guy and he lives on the floor above me, but he doesn't speak any English. And he told me that he has to stop seeing me because he needs to get closer to his wife. I'm like, this is great. Like I spent 15 minutes. Yeah. We did Q and a at the end of your show. That was so fun. It is fun to do that. Cause it's like,

It is testing our skills in a way. Yeah, like am I actually funny or can I just write some stuff? And it's fun. But I think you get into this because you're naturally funny. But there's two types of comedians. There's comics who are like in their head, kind of writer types. And there's people who are just like on all the time. Right. And then there's some people who have a little bit of both. Classmen. Classmen.

Rick Glassman. Shout out Rick Glassman. I think my, I always like, because I can't, I know like, do you go to coffee shops and write? No. I used to all the time. I don't have a fucking free minute anymore. I know. It's crazy. You need to rest.

Really? Yes, because you and I are going through the same thing. And he texted me that he's like, I'm exhausted. I said, same. Don't put it in at the cellar. Come home and do nothing for two days. Right. Two days to do nothing. Two days. Oh, that's crazy. I have to. I'm in two days. Come on. Well, you go to the gym and have sex or something. Oh, okay. Yeah, I should do that. I should do both those things. You should. The way I grew up with all my cousins and stuff, everyone was very witty. It's very one-uppy. Like, everyone one-ups each other. Here, Mark, take mine because I'm not going to drink. Mmm.

I'll do another one. So I realized like. Your family's very cool. Yeah, they love, they're obsessed with. We met in Chicago and they're so nice and warm. And they're very funny. And I think now I'm like, oh, when I'm on stage, I write the best because it's like the same sort of bouncing off energy. Yeah. So that I need an audience in order to write. Interesting. Yeah, I've gotten so many, not so many, I've probably got like five bits out of the riffing.

It's good. It's good for you. Did I make this too serious about comedy? No, I love it. Hey, man, we go up and down. All right. I think this pod should have us in depth. How do I get to talk about stand-up a lot? It's great. You guys have the best stand-up. Hell yeah. I get to talk to you guys. Dude, I love watching you because you're always doing new shit. So I'm pumped to see the special. This is going to be cool. My special that I'm hopefully going to make in January, God knows what's going to happen with it. But my hours, I'm very excited about my hour. But the crowd work special, it was like I was really –

I had a fucking blast. Yes. It was amazing. Amazing. I can't wait. Those are fun. And those do better. People like those better, I think, than written stand-up. Yeah, I think so, too. It's like freestyle rap versus an album. They're like, holy shit, they came off the top of their dome there. It's kind of cool. Oh, yeah. It's like a bar fight versus a boxing match. It's a bar fight. What is it? MMA? MMA. MMA. Yes. Do you have any peeves lately? Is anything bugging you a lot lately? No.

I'm traveling a lot and I hate sick people on planes. I was just flying back from Italy. Because it's like, it makes me so, this woman next to me on the plane was coughing like she should be in the ICU. Really?

I mean, literally. And she did have a mask, but I kept putting that air thing to like, to blow, like to defend myself. Just the noises is. But also too, it's like you knew she was like sick. Yeah. I was like, bitch, you knew you were this sick and you got on an eight and a half hour flight. This is how Ebola started. I know. And then you could hear the gurgle. There's that phlegmy. That's when you know they're really sick when it's like wet. Yeah. Ah.

That'd be a great, just be a short sketch. Just like you're just sitting there kind of reading a paper and the person just like, oh, oh, they just die next to you. I do the thing. I give the gay look of disapproval. Yeah. So every time she coughs, I do the, ah,

Because I wanted to know she made a mistake. She shouldn't have done that. I was so mad. No, I do get annoyed. Sick people. I was pretty sick on a flight recently. I was really sick coming back, but I was like, I don't want to make that noise. I was like fighting to not. Did you wear a mask? I had a mask on. I didn't have COVID, but I just don't want to get people sick. Sure, sure. I just had a really bad upper respiratory infection. I was sick as fuck, and I'm just like.

Just wear the mask just to not get people sick. I had an allergic reaction. I ate an octopus in Spain once years ago. Is that gay code? Honestly, that's the straightest thing I could have ever said. That I had octopus in Spain. This is like one of Hemingway's early works. Yeah, right.

It was 1874. I had octopi in Spain and the Liberian. And it caused a rash all over my body. I had like a really bad reaction. And the girl next to me like kept like going like that. Like I was going to give her leprosy or something. I'm like, bitch, it's just an allergic reaction. I looked like a freak. I mean, I looked like people were like, oh, like flight attendants were scared of me. Yeah. Well, the coughing in the words of Theo Vaughn, since COVID, coughing is the new N-word.

You know, like when someone coughs, you're like, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? But if a black person does, I'm like, it's okay. Yeah. You made it cool. No, it is definitely, the coughing does make me uncomfortable, but I'm like, I also realize I'm like, part of that's the media. I'm programmed to feel that way now because of how much I've watched with sickness. But I just don't want to get sick. No, I don't. Because I'll perform sick, but.

It is, dude, do what we do, sick. Like, thank God I'm a low energy comic. I'm in Phoenix, sick as a motherfucker. Really? My agent's like, can you go on? And I was like, if I were Sebastian, the answer would be no. Oh, good point. But because I'm like, this is my energy. Yeah. And I talk like this on stage, I'm going to tough it out. You'll Lavelle Crawford it. You got the rag. Whitney Houston. Yeah. She's always, the top of her wig is sopping wet. Yeah, I. I wish my hotel had a tub. Ah.

Oh my god, Whitney. That new movie about her was horrible. You loved Whitney. She was amazing. It was pipes. Whitney was just... Anahot. Just, yeah. And you're a big Mariah person. I'm a big Mariah person. I've had a tempestuous relationship with her in the past. Why is that? Well, I used to make a bunch of jokes about Mariah, and I don't make them anymore. Uh-oh. I publicly apologize. I was an angry young homosexual. Ha!

And, you know, the more you're in this business, the more you get it. Yeah. I see. You're so not. I mean, we all go through like phases of anger, but you're such a chill guy. You're so you don't you don't strike me as an angry person. No, no, I don't get angry unless I'm unless I'm arguing with someone about like pasta or something like some stupid arbitrary. But yeah, with Mariah, you get a rabbiata.

Arbiata? Angry? I do get angry, yeah. Bravo. Parli bene. That's the type of pasta. Oh. Wait, what? Arbiata. Arbiata, yeah. It means angry, but they call pasta all'arbiata when it's like spicy pasta. Oh, interesting. I think it's calabrese, like a bunch of spices in it. Mmm. Yeah. Are you seeing someone now or no?

No, I had a thing with this guy who I really liked. And we're still friends. But like, it was almost five months of talking every single day. And then we had a great vacation with each other. And I said... I brought up... I was like, hey, like, should we do long distance? And he...

And rightfully so, in his own right, he was like, I just can't. I can't do long distance. And I was kind of gut punched because I was like, oh, but like, well, then what we were working towards, you know what I mean? And honestly, whoever dates any of us has to deal with long distance. You got that right. Because we're not home. No. Anyone who wants to be with me is a red flag. Agree. Yeah. Same. Hey, what the hell? But I know what you mean. That's why the road is great because like my lady gets it, obviously. But.

It's a built-in relationship saver. Like, I go on the road for three days. It's the perfect amount of time where you start to miss them again. You come back. You're excited. Then when you get annoyed, you leave again. Yeah. It's perfect.

for a relationship. I don't know. I really like this guy. I liked him a lot, but it just does not... Are you still talking to him? Like, less. I mean, I basically was like... Where does he live in? I don't know. He lives far enough. America? Yeah, he lives in America. It's shocking for me. Usually my boyfriends are looking for a green card. My girlfriend lives in Canada. How's he packing? How's the noodle? Is it rigatoni or angel hair? It was... It was a nice manicotti. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

He was great. He was a great guy. But I get it. He couldn't do it. So it's hard to date. It's hard. I feel slightly more isolated than before. We're so busy that just giving up a night. I know. I'm like, this girl better be cool as fuck if I'm not doing cellar spots. I get this more and more as women will like...

They'll be like, I can't do before nine. I mean, after nine. Right. So I'm like, well, I want to do at least one spot just in case this date sucks. Exactly. You know, and then they're like, already he's choosing his job. I'm like, you're damn right. Yeah. What the hell? Yeah. It will be the never ending. The unwinnable battle.

war of trying to date a comedian to see if they can overcome the comedy. Dinner is a sign of stability to women. Yeah, and dinner and a show, a movie, a play. I mean, it's all night. I'll do dinner, but why can't we do like a 9.30 dinner? Yeah, that's not too much to ask. You know what I mean? New York. Up normal. And guess what? I'll breakfast and lunch the shit out of you. You got that right. But like dinner, it's tough for us. I'll do it some nights, but like, oh man, I'm

I'm gone so much on the road that when I'm here, I really do want to go up at the cellar. Yeah, but here's why I'm a cunt. You would never go, hey, I'll meet you at 1130 a.m. Well, I'm at work. Well, hey, bitch, I'm at work at nine. That's a great point. I said the exact thing to a woman recently. She goes, I'm always working around your schedule. I say, well, the fact that you're saying that just shows you'll never accept my lifestyle. But it's also about they don't respect. They don't actually respect what we do. You would never say to a doctor,

I'm always working around your schedule. Obviously, doctor saves lives. We're not saving lives. But I'm just saying it's a respect towards the job. You're saying to me you think what I'm doing is just fun. Sing it, sister. You don't think what I do is legitimate. And also, why can't you take a night off? Because it's a slippery slope. You get me to take this night off. I don't take any night off. And it's like shit I was fighting with for years where people were like,

Well, I can't do this. It's routine. I have to do it every night. I won't. Once you break it for anything, you'll break it for everything. And more and more. Yeah, exactly. Although I have been taking off because I'm home for three days and my body is... Health reasons for recharging because the road is the truth. So that's where... But a date isn't recharging. No, you're right. A date is work. The road is where we make our money and where we find our new jokes because it's hard in the shorter sets in the city. But it is a routine thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm home all December, so I'll be putting in spots every night. Yeah. I'll be putting in spots, but that's a healthy way. Like, I was trying to do the road, then come back and do spots, and my body physically cannot take it. Really? I just can't take it. Certain performances... We go to the gym how many of those days a week, too? Yeah. Listen, I... That's different. But no, I mean, and that's also being physically healthy also helps me on stage. Like, I have to eat healthy. Tell me about it, dude. I...

I exert a lot of... Some comics... Give me a cookie. Yeah, I know. Those Oreo cookies are pretty good. But I do exert a lot of energy on stage and I kind of come off like collapsed in a way. I get that. I get that. Yeah. And then I drink on the road so that doesn't help. Then you get... How do you... First of all, how do you maintain a great body and also drink on the road and have enough energy to like...

It's not easy, but I don't eat bread, and that really helped me. Okay. You eat a lot of bread. I eat a lot of bread. I don't eat bread. I've watched you eat bread. Have you? This is fucking delightful. Sam, what are you eating? I don't know. This is like a pumpkin cupcake. Well, where'd you get that thing? Pumpkin cupcake? Whoa. Uh-oh. Is it because... Let me try it. I just want a bite. The arm.

This is solid. God damn, there's cream in the middle too? I'm just so sick of pumpkin. I blame white women. It's whitey. Oh yeah. That's solid. It's dry as hell. Yeah. That was my X right. That was not good. You don't like this? These are solid.

that was the worst one i have oh i like this one a little cream cheese frosting or something on there right but yeah see i thought that was the fun part about oh being gay is you could just you want a relationship i don't know what i right now i'm so career for better better than this oh yeah um i don't know what i tell you i do not know what i want right now i'm so career focused because i'm on a nice little momentum momentum um so i don't know i'm kind of just like

Throwing caution to the wind. The career, weirdly, everyone's like, comedy's such an unstable pursuit, but it's the only thing that's ever been stable in my life. Same. You know, I mean...

in that regard. Yes and no. I mean, it's with, the only thing that matters in comedy are your jokes and other comedians. I've decided. Yeah. Nothing else matters. Right. Like, what I'm doing on stage, is this good? Yes. So the audience is included in that and then my relationship with other comics. Everything else is like, yeah, who cares? And when the jokes are good and your relationship is good and you're sane, the career gets better. That's right. So, but the hard, here's what annoys me and this is where I'm going to get shit online is

But like a lot of these ladies are like, hey, you know, you don't take off. What the hell? You can't give me a night. And you're like, well, look, I'll hang out with you. But what...

Are you going to be fun? Like, if you hang out with her, are you still shucking and jiving? Well, that's a hard mentality to go into it when you're like... Don't go into it. Well, you better bring it if I'm taking a night off. But I definitely think that way. But you're going to bring it. Yeah. I always bring it. Yeah. I think we always do it like, okay, I'll do what normal people do. And then 45 minutes in, you're like, how do they do it? So true. I miss Keith Robinson. Come to this party and you're just like... Oh, party. You're like, bar, bar.

Bar. Yes. Bar. Yes. Never a party. I want a table with comics chatting. We're friends with our coworkers and that makes life so easy. I'm literally excited to go to work every day. Right. You check the lineup. Ooh, who am I hanging out with tonight? I just am at the table. Sometimes you're like, oh, God.

Oh, yeah. No, don't get me wrong. Some of those are rough. But you just sit at the table. Someone you love sits down. You're like, oh, this is so easy. Keith sits down. My heart just swells. Yeah. I mean, I know we're going to... His new material is fucking incredible. He's so good. He's so good. I married him. We were dating during the pandemic. It was like him, me, Liz, and Jose. We saw each other every single day, made dinners at the cellar. He's a new bit about...

Taking a Viagra as his flight lamp. He's piss drunk. He knows he has a second stroke coming. But he's about to get laid. So he ignores. This is the second time he's ignored a stroke. Wow. You'd think he'd know better. He goes and fucks this woman. He tells this whole story. But the only part of his body that's working is his dick. He's walking to this woman like it's the night of the living dead. And he still fucks her. And it's like...

dude you had a second stroke that's amazing he did it for sex and then he ends up basically being like i don't want to give away too much but the gist of it is like don't you ever tell us that you think you like sex as much as men yeah i mean it's like you're like jesus keith he said something we were at dinner together and he said something so offensive and i just looked at him said keith god has smited you so many times and he's still going and he's that's the beauty of it he just keeps saying fucked up shit i remember a

Immediately after the Me Too thing, he defended Cosby. Like, kidding, obviously. Come on, Keith. But he's defending Cosby on stage, and it's killing. I'm like, that's how you know the joke is fucking hilarious. Then a guy goes up there and goes like, oh, come on. He's a real guy. He always goes against the grain. During the height of BLM, he was like, I look at black people like fire exits.

There's one over there, one over there, one over there. That's a great joke. Well, he likes to sort of like see, he gets excitement. It's like a science experiment. If I add this chemical to that chemical, what's the reaction I'm going to get? Right, right. That's where his jokes spark from. He's poking you, but it's never maliciously. No, that's the thing. That's the beauty of it. You can tell with Keith. Some people you meet, you're like, oh, there's like, you ever talk to someone and like,

You can just tell talking to him, like, there's a dark side. Oh, yeah. Like, real thinly veiled. Like, there's a... With Keith, he can say the most horrible shit, but you do see very clearly, like, Keith has a great heart. And he's a good father. Very good father. And he's a questionable partner. But he's a great father. And he's a hilarious guy. And he's supportive of comics. He is. I do remember...

auditioning the comic strip many years ago doing that dumb late night thing they got judges they got comics judges it was awful they tried doing America's Got Talent type thing with the judges oh I was furious who was Paula Abdul I don't think they had one I think it was all brutal and then we I remember going on and uh

A lot of comics were kind of dicks to me, but Keith was like, nah, that was good. He was the only guy on the fucking panel who I respected. It meant a lot, but I was like, holy shit. Harrison, by the way, has a great gig in Vegas. What's he doing? He's doing magic. He's killing it. Magic and hosting. I'm like, that is...

Good for him. Good for Harrison. But he has to live in Vegas. Some people like Vegas. Some people like Vegas. I haven't asked Harrison what he thinks of Vegas. I asked him how he likes it. I hate Vegas. I don't think he likes it. I absolutely fucking hate it. Vegas is terrible. I'll be there at the Mirage late January. Terrible place. Two shows. I like the part of Vegas that's not the strip. I won't really.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, yes. Like, you're in normal Vegas. It's like, oh, it's cool. Like, you're just hanging out. There's good restaurants and stuff. Yeah. But it's that strip life. Yes. That is the worst. It's like soul. You get there and you're like, God. Like, I just. It's awful. I grew up in New Orleans. That's like real Vegas. Like, with its culture, there's food, there's music, there's architecture. Then Vegas is just all corporate. Vegas should be a bigger bachelor party destination than New Orleans because you have casinos, too.

You say New Orleans should be bigger. That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. New Orleans, you have Harris, right? Yeah, we got Harris. You can't bullshit in New Orleans. Yeah, that's true. You can bullshit in Vegas. You can act a fool and bullshit. New Orleans is not going to put up with that shit. No, you'll get jumped or something. People leaving Vegas look like they just got the shit kicked out of them. They look like people...

Going into Vegas. Even if you won, you look like you got the shit kicked out of you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the flight there and the flight out is very different. The flight there, the plane lands, everybody claps. They've been drinking Jack and Cokes the whole flight. And then the flight out is like, I'm getting a divorce. There's paramedics waiting for you. Give me a coffee. But the saddest thing is to see a woman in her early hundreds with an oxygen tank smoking a cigarette. And it's ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Right. And you're like, God, the indignity. I know. It just makes me like...

Social Security check gone. New Orleans, there's music, there's food, there's life. It's a party. The house and your body has gone against you. Yeah, yeah. Terrible. Oh, yeah. It's bad news. Yeah. But we know it's sadder than Vegas. Reno. Thank you. Oh, I had to do two weeks there, I remember. Two weeks? Yeah. Where were you? Silver Legacy. Okay. Where they shot the last scene in Casino, by the way. Oh, not Casino. Kingpin, rather. Oh.

well that makes more sense they shot the last thing in kingpin that's where they did the championship oh i had to do lake tahoe oh that's different lake tahoe is much nicer than well it was the dead of winter and it was lake tahoe and it was um uh some casino like a casino gig i mean just just like i felt like the shining like and like i just wanted to get out i was like oh i just want to kill my

The only thing I could watch, the only thing on TV was the Harry Potter marathon. And I was like, I guess I'll watch Harry Potter. I don't even like it that much. Entertainment. There's entertainment that has saved my life on the road. Oh, dude. Tell me about it. There's shit that's been on TV. Video games. Video games is good. I remember when we were on the road. We were both in Dayton, Ohio at the same time. Mateo brings his N64. We're playing Mario Kart. This motherfucker is incredible at it. I know.

I am so good at Mario Kart. It's so annoying. You don't lose. Never. And we did it on the tour bus with Aziz. Remember that shit? I always win. Yoshi. And watching... I usually pick Tanuki Mario. Oh, okay. And... I don't even know what that is. He's got like the raccoon outfit on. Oh, the raccoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when we were open for Aziz together, Phil Hanley, I never saw Phil, because Phil is always very like chill. Put together. He was lousy.

His last words, screaming, I was in the mix.

I could have been a contender. Literally. And him and Will Silvins, I mean, the two of them playing and yelling at each other. It was comedy gold. Dude, that's a web series. Comics playing video games and trash talk. Should we do that? That could be huge. We should do a Patreon in here where we play video games. That's fucking brilliant. Oh, my God. Yeah, get Soder in here, Big Jay, all these guys. That would be great. Let's get an N64.

Let's get a fucking PS. Perfect Dark. Or no, Goldeneye 007. And get the original controllers. But you have to find the right TV because I just bought an N64. You're annoyingly good at every video game. You're one of those dudes. We gotta brush up. Let's get Madden. Let's see how he fucking holds up. I used to like Madden. Madden 64 was good. Okay. Because it wasn't just like football. You could fight each other. Wayne Gretzky 3D hockey? Pack it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

All right. Finally, it wasn't the beer juice that it was. GoldenEye, though. Oh, my God. No odd job. No odd job and no proximity mine either. What was odd job thing? I like remote mine. Too short so you miss them. Yeah.

Damn. Fortnite was kind of revolutionary. I would play... Oh, I could nerd out about this a lot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love your nerdy tendencies, man. All I do is play video games. Fortnite. Wow. And you play with like Yamanik. We got to get Yaman. Yaman is so fucking funny. We were playing... Her new shit's so funny. I watched it the other night. Yaman is the best comedian in the country. She's a hilarious comedian. I'm just putting it out there right now. I love her, dude. She's killing it. She's literally the best comedian.

Yamanika Saunders, follow her. She's so funny. She says shit when you're playing Fortnite. I mean, now don't get it wrong. Her and I fight like cat and dogs. We scream at each other. But there were times in the pandemic because we played every single day with each other for a year and a half. And I mean, when I say we were laughing with tears, Yamanika playing Fortnite is one of the funniest moments

fucking things ever. But that is how I survived. Before I was putting shit up online and all that other stuff, I was kind of tanking. And the only way I could pay rent during the pandemic was Twitch. What? I would play video games and do like six hour shows and it was kind of great. I wrote a ton of material. Wow. That's not relatable. I wrote a ton of material and it was like... You gotta hear my new Tanooki Mario chunk. Yeah, right. Can you imagine? I mean, that's really not relatable. Tanooki Mario. I think that's a new heart. Tanook!

When you click on him, I go, Tanooki! You're so good at voices. Oh, thank you. How much voiceover do you do? Not as much as you would think. I did a cartoon show once and I played like an evil villain. I was this close to making it in Luca, Pixar's Luca for the villain. They flew me to Pixar and

I met with the director. He's from Italy. We spoke in Italian the whole time. I did the audition and it went to the one other person. And then who was cut to a year later, I'm having lunch with my friend Salverio in Rome, who's a comedian in Rome. And he goes, yeah, I just did the voice for, you know, I said, I was the other person. Like, oh my God, Mateo.

Then you hit him with a red shell. I did. It's like the talent of Mr. Ripley. Just beat him and throw him off a boat. I don't know what happened to him. I do like doing voices. I do a lot of like women voices and stuff. Because Evan Williams is my best friend. He does all like the male impressions. Can you pull up Evan Williams on TikTok doing... It's so funny. You got to pull up Evan Williams doing like...

What are the best ones on TikTok? I could just call him. No, no, no, but we want to show one of his clips on TikTok where he's doing Guy Ritchie or any of the shit he does. You'll send me these clips. I send them all the time. I love Evan. I'm going to call him and make him do impressions. Oh, great. Will that come through, Matt? Yeah, yeah. I do this all the time. I call my friend Nick all the time. But get him on...

Evan Williams. Oh my- I'm gonna- Ah, we got him here. Restart- Oh, this guy, yeah, I've seen this guy. You've seen him? Restart it, Matt, and just- Every Guy Ritchie movie, Evan Williams. Now I do the perfect Evan Williams. Oh, okay. I'll show you, I'll show you. Yeah, we gotta hear him first. Alright. Boss Sideway Susan. Name's The Cash. You know the boss? Big John. Who's Big John? I'm Big John. That's Big John.

Wow He's done other shit. What are like the best ones he's done? Why is there a car burning outside he goes oh well I grabbed his car and

And I crashed it and it started burning and then I walked in here. I never played GTA. Really? Nah, I never got into it. Really? I stopped after Tetris. All right, here's Evan. Hold on. Oh, here we go. All right, Evan, you're on with Sam Morrell and Mark Norman. We'd want you to do a bunch of impressions. Okay.

Wow. Okay. What's up, guys? Hey, we're big fans, and give us the hits, baby. Yeah, what are some impressions you do? It's never too early to play holiday music, and it's never too early to start thinking about gifts, whether it's just for a friend or the friends of your pants. It's your penis and your balls. You can make this season to be jolly with Manscaped. Their platinum package has it all. The Lawnmower 4.0 Body Trimmer and Weed Whacker Nose and Hair Ear Hair Trimmer.

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If you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code DRUNK. Here, here. What do you need? Who are you best at? Someone we've all heard of. Who's your best? Something mainstream. I'm walking outside. I don't know how good the audio is going to be. No, it's perfect. Jesus Christ, Evan. All right, all right. I mean, I'm Jason Statham. Hey.

I was in the movie Snatches when it's not stuck in two smelling holes. Dead on. One man, one desire. Pablo Francisco has a cocaine problem. Damn.

One more. One more. One more. Skeletor. Skeletor. Yeah. Wow. All right. One more. One more. One more. One more. One more. Figure it out. Sorry. I don't know, dude. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Uh.

You know, yeah, Christians with George Floyd. He's still very... We put you on the spot. We put you on the spot. We love you, Evan. We're promoting you right now. We love you, Evan. Check him out on Instagram and TikTok. His TikTok is so good. Wait, scroll down. So I do a perfect Evan Williams. So you'll see that one. Mateo does Evan's sketches and I just do all of his... Whoa. Turn up the V. What you do is so easy. What's that?

Yes, it is. Just showing off his biceps here. Huge. Did you ever see his Mad Lib things? No. They're great. This is all Evan Williams shit. By the way, he directs everything, writes everything. Yeah, yeah. We can turn me off. I'm so tired. It's fucking incredible what he does. I love it.

I hate you.

That's great. And he just came out. I'm teasing. I'm joking. He's not gay. He's hot. He's a hot guy. He's so hot in every game. Oh, my God. I can tell he directed it because the last shot was him like this, shredded, showing off the veins in his arms. He's got the guns for sure. That's so funny. No, dude, he's excellent. And a good comic. Yeah, he is. A really good comic. Does he do the road with you at all? We do. We just did that cafeteria together.

Oh, quit bragging. No, I... Okay, I'm not going to say the name of the club. It's a legendary club. And I get there and they go, oh, this is our temporary club. I go, excuse me? And they go, yeah. I walk in. It's a cafeteria. What? And they didn't tell me or my agent or my tour agent. I was...

Losing it. Did you get the cafeteria food? I called you. Oh, yeah. Remember? I called you in a panic. I was like, Sam, am I being a diva or is this incredibly rude? Because I sold out on the show. Am I being a diva or is performing in the cafeteria shitty? And not telling me. Yeah. Can you imagine though? I'm like, I can't even believe I should have walked out. But everyone paid for the tickets. Comedians are so much more low maintenance than any. Can you imagine if a singer was like, you're in a...

You're in a cafeteria. Yeah, you're at the DMV tonight. Although they probably get similar shit, honestly. Maybe. Nah, I don't know. I don't know. You're starting out as a musician. It's got to be pretty rough. Yeah, I guess that's true. Although you're not starting out. You sold a shitload of tickets. So did your fans show up to it? Oh, yeah, it was sold out. Oh, okay. I rose to the place every show. Did you get your sloppy joes? Yeah. Here's your sloppy joe. Was it hard with the school bell going off? Kids moving, running around. Yeah.

Everyone's like, keep it down. I did a cafeteria once. Me too. At a college? Yeah, me too. University of Delaware. Oh, damn. Tommy Pucciani, who's now a fucking agent. Excuse you? He's an agent now at William Morris. He reps like Phil and Joe List, a lot of comics we're friends with.

Oh, yeah. He was a University of Delaware kid, and he booked me. That's how long ago it was. He saw me open for Jim Florentine in, like, 2010. Wow. And he was like, I got to get you in my school. So he's at William Morris. I'm like, oh, he's, like, a legit fan. He really is. But he booked me, and I brought Chris DiStefano with me. To open? Yeah, and we performed in a fucking cafeteria. Wow.

And Chris is playing Bieber the whole fucking ride. I want to kill him. I fucking love him. I think he's great. Isn't it funny thinking about back in the day? Like, I moved to New York 10 years ago. Exactly. 10 years ago. September 2012. And it's just so funny. Like, all the open mics were like, you, you, Michelle Waller.

Yeah. Michael Che. Michael Che. Like all these. But you rose up quick. I feel like you had a talent. You had an it. You could sing. You were confident. You were comfortable on stage. I will say. When you're a good performer, you can make up for other shortcomings early on. And then the rest comes together. That's right. It was a quick rise because I was different in doing. But then it was like I had to play catch up. I had to really learn how to write jokes and be taken seriously. And so there was a big dip.

And I just spent all that time writing and writing and writing and writing and writing. And then it slowly, you know, I've always just kind of okay. And then the last year, I just started putting everything online. And then it just like erupted. Sure. How long did I tell you to fucking do that for? You know, it came at the right, everything happens at the right time, you know. And I, because I had this hour a year ago that I was trying to sell to streamers and everyone said no. And so I, then Schultz was like, just cut it up.

and put it online and then a year later I've done that and it's like okay doing the beacon there you go wow really sold it out whoa when is it March 2nd love it dude excited Jesus congrats man thanks but I still can't sell a special well it's okay it's alright well why do you want to sell a special to sell tickets

That's right. That's right. That's right. Good for you for taking the dip and like working on the act and getting it good, getting good at comedy. Because a lot of people will just go off and that's short money. It is short money. And I do think too, like I really like being a comedian and I never pull the gay card, but there is a...

I'm doing a little bit of a battle to be taken seriously because I think people think, well, he's talking about being gay. This is a, uh, he's, uh, it's a clutch or whatever. You know what I mean? Like he's using this, but like I have to really balance your life, right? I'm at the balance. Like I also date and I, you know, like, so how do I describe my perspective? I think that people do it similarly with women when they dismiss them as dirty. And I'm like, no one says that shit about men. That's true. I do think I do. I mean, if they're,

criticizing you for being gay it's like that's your fucking life well you get both i mean a recent criticism was uh you know we want to hear more about your personal life and not about arbitrary things and i'm like but i also and it's just such a weird balance that a lot of people don't have i think women have to go through anyone who's sort of marginalized kind of has to sort of figure out like yeah how do i how do i do this in a way that i'm getting respect and also showing that i'm a good

It's tough. It's still challenging, yeah. But it should be challenging. It is. And I enjoy the challenge. And I, you know, recently was offered a TV role and I said no to it because I would have had to cancel my entire tour. What was the role? Uh.

It was, you know, like a gay character and it was a fantastic role and show. But I said, you know, I was like, I take stand-up really seriously. Like, I don't look at like the TV thing is more important and then I'll get the stand-up. Like, I view stand-up in my mind...

Just as important as anything else so yeah to me. I was like I bet you're making more money on the road than you are That's what I mean, so it's kind of like it's less about this new hair This is this is my old hair the new hasn't come in yet, but this is a sculpture Michelangelo would blush at and Like you the hair is taking a while to come out

No, my hair. I came out way earlier than my hair. I did not take me four months to come out. So wait, what's it going to be like? Because it looks full right now. Okay, so right now I have it pulled forward. And then I have to straighten it because I have really curly hair. And then my hair is exactly like Mark's. Really? It's the exact same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pies on.

But once it grows out, I'll show you. But I have a really bad widow's, like really pulled back and I was losing my hair. A widow's what? Widow's peak. Is that a widow's peak? Is that for hair? The widow's peak is in the front. Yeah. But it comes down like this. Oh, I see what you're saying. And in the crown too. And so I just kind of mask it. I use a topic spray and hairspray. But then it's like avoiding wind, avoiding pools, avoiding anything. The rain. Oh my God. Just horrified. I just don't see you until April. Yeah.

Right. Honestly. So then I found a really good doctor in New York and I went to him and he asked a bunch of questions. I'm writing all these bits about it now, but one of his questions was, he goes, is there balding in your family? I said, no. He was like, your dad? Nope. He's your brother? Yeah. Balding? Nope. He goes, what about your mom's dad? And I said, he was a Mexican with a one inch forehead.

Like my grandpa, Mexican grandpa's hairline started there. He's got a two head. Literally. So, you know, but I can show you the picture. I don't want to show them. I can show you the picture. You want to see when I got the. It's fun. I did show you. That's right. Is it with the bandage and stuff? No, I didn't get to do the bandage. Because I saw you right after. But that's where they put the hair. You can see like. You can see where my normal hairline is. Is this you? Yeah. He does a good job. A day after the surgery. Holy shit. But see where they put the hair? Wow.

Yeah. And then it falls out. The hair they put in takes 10 days to lock in. And it's such a fucking process. Ice your head, sleep like this, spray that. Yeah. And then after 10 days, you can resume your life.

Okay, well, this is impressive. And I didn't have to go to Turkey and shave my head or anything. Wow. But in four months, you start to see the results, and by a year, it's like finished. Are you excited? It's like a gift from – that's my Christmas present. Yeah, I'm excited to watch the whole thing go down. I'll be unstoppable. Because this is going to be exciting. I know you will. It's going to be exciting. Sky's the limit. Is Christmas your favorite holiday? Yeah, I think so. Hmm.

What's yours, Mark? Well, it was Thanksgiving until you guys trashed it. I like Mardi Gras, but I know that's biased. I still like Thanksgiving. Look, I trashed the turkey. The ritual is very American. I respect that. I just love Chinese food. I like Chinese food, too, but you can have that on Christmas. I do have it on Christmas. Let us have the turkey.

I will honestly say, this is going to sound weird coming from a Jew, but I fucking love Christmas. Because Christmas is now, it's not even like a, who gives a shit about Jesus? It's about like the music and the lights and the food. Religion is out. This is what I do on Christmas. I order Chinese food and I watch basketball for 12 hours. And then I usually end the night at the cellar. Well, I end the night at the cellar. It's great. I thought you loved balls and traveling. All right.

Not the traveling part, but the balls I do enjoy. Like in Italy. I love... Good point, good point. You're right, you're right. I love... I had a good date last week, too. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I love Christmas. I love that time of year, too. There's something magical about New York City in the winter, but it hasn't gotten really bad out yet. It's just kind of a little cold. That is nice. There's also something magical about...

being drunk and leaving a bar to barge in and the wind just hits your face i love that yeah and there's a there's a couple christmas lights in the distance the trees at rockefeller center there's a the dirty santa with the bell i love the whole thing i love it i love it i mean i love that time of year i don't know i mean thanksgiving is nice so it is nice to just be with family it's such a

dumb. I don't like Thanksgiving. It's just like shitty foreplay to Christmas. Like, just get to Christmas. I know, but it starts the insanity. It starts it. There's no music to Thanksgiving. Okay, and you don't get sick of Christmas music? They're playing it by Thanksgiving. I started listening to it today. Well, you're like Mariah, so that's a lock. Oh my God. She made eight...

on that song. She wrote that song in a Casio keyboard. No. In less than a day. She writes all of her own music. Pull up how much she made on that. I mean, because just the residuals alone has got to be more than Elon. Damn. But yeah, yeah.

By the way, Carrie's done a good job. She really looks good. She looks great. She's still hot, I think. I jerked off to a poster of her and she had roller skates on in some video and like short jean shorts. It was fantasy. Yeah, and I jerked off to a still photo of that. Wow. Remember back in the day? Sears catalog. Oh, the underwear guys. How many kids did Nick Cannon have with her?

Just two. They had twins. Oh, okay. Twins? Mm-hmm. All right. She seems like a good mom, too. How many kids does she have total? Just two. Oh. Wow. Just two, yeah. Cannon dumped the load and kept on moving. That's right. Yeah. That's right. All I want for Christmas is alimony. Is two. That's better. But yeah, I think I'm getting... She's coming to... Alimony. She's fucking...

He's getting the alimony. Yeah, good point. I think she's coming to Madison Square Garden. Oh, you going? Yeah, but I've been to her Christmas show nine times. Wow, she'll probably hear this. She won't. Yeah, you're right.

We got a reach. We don't have that big a reach. Yeah, you're right. I did meet her once. Really? Yeah, because the... There used to be a show on MTV where like your biggest... The fans would be surprised on an elevator by their favorite celebrity. So like people would be on an elevator and then Backstreet Boys just walk in or whatever.

Oh, that's fun. I got a call from Stucky, who was a producer at Geico. And he's like, Mateo, we got a surprise for you, but I can't tell you what it is. I just need you to be at MTV. I said, I know it's Mariah. He goes, God damn it, boys. He knows who it is. So they had me go there. The elevator door is open. And there she was.

She was well lit and nervous as I imagined her. And I sat on an elevator with her and fans and her makeup artist for like probably 15 minutes. And we all sang Always Be My Baby. I was on her good side so she couldn't quite look at me.

She was lit and every once in a while a hand would just come out. I had no doubt she was lit. No, she seems very sober and together. But every once in a while a hand with a brush would come out and just like paint her face and then like curl back into the corner. And yeah, she was very nice. And everyone's freaking out. I think because we're comics, we're used to adrenaline. Right. So I was quite comfortable. And she had just been on tour in China. So everyone's like, everyone.

I was like, oh, how was your tour in China? She was like, fine. You know, like she talked to me. She hugged me like I was the help. But she was great. She did a whistle tone. That's a good guess. If you did a show with me, it would be like me and Elliot Gould in an elevator. It wouldn't be as exciting. Hold on a second. We got Leonard Cohen. 20 years ago. Rodney Dangerfield. You're all right. You're all right. Get out of my way, kid. All right. Oh, my God. Good elevator. It really seems to...

What do you think he was like one-on-one? Dangerfield? Yeah. So fun. I think he was depressed. Depressed, but I bet the highs were great and the lows were dark. Bathrobe, hooker. Balls out. Balls out, weed, booze. But enough about me. So stupid. Good cupcake really seems to get it.

It's elevated. I'll tell you, it's got its ups and downs. Did you guys try the Oreo yet or not? Because that's the only thing I like. This is the best one for me. I don't like Oreo. Give me an Oreo. Try the Oreo because at least it's got like a kind of saltiness to it too. Is it all pump? Ooh, look at that. It's all right. You didn't even have the cookie part of it. You need both. It's fine. I'd like to dip it in maybe an eggnog.

Mmm. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's right with the it's not bad. I'm just sick of pumpkin or I'm done even good after today I mean this is enough. I want to I want to beat this should have a pumpkin Yeah, I'd do a baseball bat and fucking break a pumpkin. We should do on Halloween. You wanna do that? Sure Let's do it tonight. You guys car pumpkins this year. Nah, I bought a few and put them on the other the stoop Mm-hmm. Oh you bought a place

Yeah. You guys bought a place. You move in yet? No, it's a long story. We're suing our contractor. He tried to screw us. It's a whole thing. The place is still dilapidated. But are you still keeping your apartment in where we are? Probably not. Okay. You think I should?

You could rent it out to people and make a lot of money. It's a really good location. Yeah, I might do that. Do it, dude. But I did that first, and we had this cute, nice Asian lady, and the whole building hated her. And they're like, you gotta get rid of her. The board. Damn. You know the board? It's all these stuffy old New Yorkers. I fucking hate boards. Hate a board. Oh my god, there's a woman in my building. You know, we got a lot of old Jews in my building. This woman, it's like...

Are you allowed to have a trainer in here? I said, yeah, we ran it up the ladder. It's all fine. I got doctor's forms. They're stuffy about having trainers in the gym. I know. And they go, well, I'm on the gym committee. And I go, well, look at you, the gym committee. And my trainer's laughing. I'm just mocking him. I'm like, the gym committee. You're so fast. What did it take to get on there? Nothing? Yeah. Let me see your six pack.

So we fucking, Oh, and she's got a trainer with her. It's a fucking, it's madness. There's another guy was rude as hell. He's rude to my fucking trainer. Oh man. He goes, I want to use the bench. I said, you can use in a minute. We're almost done. And he goes, well, I've been waiting. I said, what was the first you've said of it? And he goes, he's just being so rude. And I was like, Hey man, uh,

you know, there's a way to talk to people. We're speaking respectfully to you. And then, and then he goes, well, you know, I'm having a bad day. I go, I don't care. Right. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about your day. And then finally goes, I've already apologized three times. It's like, you haven't apologized once. Right. Wow. In his head, he thought he did. Isn't it funny? Like when,

when normal pedestrians come up to comics and like we already have 50 jokes lined up you're never gonna win this oh my god I was like literally thinking of roast jokes while I'm looking at them like you're fucking old you're a loser I'm like I'm like sizing them up like you're fucking jokes are just insults oh yeah yeah not jokes I'm like you're gonna be dead soon like that's not a joke I've been waiting yeah yeah so has God coming up there

But, yeah, I hate that shit. And also, you're like, I could attack your appearance, but I'm being nice. You know, I couldn't disintegrate you. That's what I said. I could say that you're going to be dead soon, but that's not the type of person I am. Joan Rivers had one of my favorite jokes where she was like, I hate old people because old people, if you're here, get out. I don't want to see you. And I hate old people that buy at Costco. Like, you're buying 18 jars of large mayonnaise. Unless God likes sandwiches, you are an asshole. I was like...

Good one, Joan. We love to be... We have Joan on the wall behind you. She's my favorite comedian of all time. Yeah, she's lovely. She made me want to do comedy. Really? Yeah, because I... The first... I first got into comedy with Kathy Griffin. Sure. Because, I mean, not to sound so sad, but it's like, comedy wasn't really for gay people. No. She was specials on Bravo.

That's what I'm saying. She was the first person I remember in my entire life ever speaking positively about gay people in a funny way. Like she still roasted us, but in a way that I knew was accepted. Oh, good point. I was so internalized with my homophobia. She was an ally for you guys. I remember thinking to myself, she shouldn't do that. She'll lose her career.

That's how internalized my homophobia was. And she made it like she was the first person in my life. I was 16 that I ever heard say anything positive ever about gay people. Well, she did lose her career, but it was over something completely unrelated. I know. But then I saw Joan because she did some special on Bravo when I was in college. And I was like, oh, Kathy was always sort of lauded as like the new Joan Rivers. I'll check out Joan.

Pencils down. Yeah. Hands like this. And I thought, I want to be a comedian. It's just joke, joke, joke, joke. And she commanded that stage. She's like, you know, one of the greats from Mount Rushmore. And she got done dirty. She got done dirty by. She was one of his favorite comedians. Really? Yeah. I believe that. She was done dirty by Carson. I thought that was pretty funny. I think so too. I think so too. But the fact that if you don't know, I mean. That's his ego. She was a regular guest host when Carson sat out. And she was very popular. And then.

And she was told she would not get the show. She was told that when Carson's done, it's not going to you. You're not on the list. And she got a show, a late night show, and Carson basically was like your death to me. Blacklisted. Told every show not to book her. Really fucked up. Her husband committed suicide. Her husband did? Oh, yeah. Really? Because of her show. What? He was getting into arguments with the producers of the show. When she lost the show, he committed suicide. Wow. She was a tough person. And I used to watch her. First of all, I watched the D-list. Yeah.

That's how much I love comedy. That was a great show. She had the fat husband. That was fun. But Joan, she made red carpet bearable. Oh, yeah. For a guy like me, I'm watching the red carpet, and she was merciless with the, what are you wearing? Ugh, why? It preceded Ricky Gervais, right? Yes. The way Ricky was kind of mean to celebrities, Joan was doing it. Joan has the same thing Keith has.

Where like she can I play a 30 second clip of Joan, please? Do you want us to play it on the thing type in Joan Rivers red carpet Anna Nicole Smith speaking of crutches Keith as a crutch And speaking of D-list those titties don't lie You could what you're about to hear No, it has to it's a 30 like it's you go to YouTube actually and

And type in Joan Rivers and Nicole Smith. That's like, oh, this is cocktails are fucking money. Beer Jew. What she says, you could never. There it is. Top one. You could never, ever, ever say this today.

Ah! Wow. Ah!

That's great. Balls. The balls. Ha.

Oh, damn. Wow. Andy Griffin's still on. Wow.

Imagine. Wow. Imagine saying that today. I mean, that would be lose your sponsorship, lose your network, the whole thing. She lost so much she didn't give a shit. Yeah. What are you going to do to me? When you were punished like that, I mean. But that was comedy. That was gold. I mean, you could never do that now. They would cut the whole show and go for the Indian head and the whole, you know.

What was that thing called? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I don't know the name of it.

But yeah, that is crazy. It's just a different time. Yeah. It's just a different, she's from a completely different era. You know, Phyllis Diller did 20 minutes of how fat her mother-in-law was. Right. 20 minutes of it. Yeah. It was just fat jokes. It was a different time. Well, you didn't have social media able to write in immediately going, that was despicable, that was unacceptable, you know. And to be fair, look, the point, well, the point, Joan said that because she was, she meant it to be mean and she meant it to be,

Yeah. Despicable. That was the goal. Yeah. Exactly. There's something, I mean, obviously I, you know, the comedy's changed a lot, but I watched that in the same way I watched like, you know, I don't know, like a great painting or something that defined a certain time where you watch it and think, okay, this wouldn't stand for today, but it is cool to see like,

how monumental she was in comedy and like the fact that she was able she was a she was able to do that is just so badass badass I completely agree yeah I always love that Lichtenstein where they call Kissinger a pussy no long timelines alright

But yeah, she was great. But I would watch her as a kid and you'd go, oh, that was wild. Oh, that was fun. But then you'd move on with your life. I never stewed on it like, Jesus Christ. Well, you didn't have anywhere to go with it. Yeah, I guess so. You know what I mean? No, it's cool to just go balls to the wall and just

Have fun. And you don't sense that she was malicious. You sense that she was, like, fun. She was malicious, though. But it didn't feel that way still. No, it didn't. Even though as mean as she was, it didn't feel mean. It felt kind of silly. I think it's... I think she was crazy looking. That helps. If you look like that... Harder to be an insult comic if you don't look like Don Rickles. Or Jeff Ross, yeah. I think, too, it's like, I think you can hear, like, she's mastered her voice so much. Right. The way she speaks, like, she's saying this, like, hey...

I get it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Because sometimes you hear people say mean things and you're like, what am I going to mean? Right. It's like, why is Keith? Keith gets away with saying the worst shit. He gets away with it. But it's like, oh yeah, he's a good guy. When it really matters, he's a good guy. It matters when you do that type of comedy that people can sense you're not an actual monster. And I think with her, it probably helped that she had so much plastic surgery that they're like, well, this person doesn't like herself. My face has seen more knives than a Benihana knife.

And then Dave Lederman was like, you don't look like the Joan I remember. And she goes, I take that as a compliment. Wow. Yeah, I think you nailed it. She hates herself, too. She's also insecure. You guys would love, there's a lot of drag queens you would love. Oh, drag queens. The ballsiest joke tellers of all time. Lady Bunny. Yeah, they're the craziest. Yeah, Lady Bunny. Have you ever seen Lady Bunny?

Can you real quick, would you mind if I do this? Bring it up. Just type in Lady Bunny stand-up. We're fucking hanging out. It's Thanksgiving dinner, bro. Hell yeah. Okay, click on...

Yeah, you can click on the first one if you want to. So, Lady Bunny, we have paused real quick. Is Lady Bunny still cooking? Is she still? She's still. Oh, yeah. She's a DJ. She's been around forever. What she does is she writes all of her own jokes, records her jokes, and then lip syncs her jokes, and then adds a beat in between it. So, between each insult, if she's an insult comic, she does it to damn good.

Oh, wow. This is warning you now. If you're triggered, you'll be triggered. I can't wait. Listen, folks, if you're triggered. It's like Bernie Mac. I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. Okay, okay. Hi, my name's Lady Bunny, and my preferred pronouns are slutty and sugar tip. Some are really cheesy, and then some are like the best jokes. Okay. I said, I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman.

He said, just pull your pants down. I said, no! He said, you're a woman. That's clever. That's a great joke. A wise old man once said, my name is Caitlyn Jenner. Where is this? Is this New York? Yeah. Khali Kardashian is pregnant again? At this point, Caitlyn must have the smallest pussy in the family. Too bad she's also the biggest asshole. Ah!

I love it. A new study has shown that women who sleep better have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby. That's great. That's a great joke. Now there's hashtag me too, hashtag time's up, and don't forget my movement, hashtag where's mine. I love it. I love the pull the pants down joke. At this point, I'd be grateful if a doll counts better.

Be careful. The dog humps my leg. And who needs hashtags? I've got skin tags. This is fun. That's a fucking dad joke, though. Yeah. Phone sex, but they make the phone so small these days. I mean, it's so silly. I'm having a blast. This is real New York. Yes. Black joke and a Mexican joke. You've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. Oh!

That's a great pun. It's weird that it's like an offensive dad joke. Right. It's like...

That's fun. I like it. I'm going to book her. That pull your pants one is a killer. It's always a Cosby one. Shit. Great stuff. I love that. That is real drag. Yes. That's real drag. New York drag. And you'll see Lady Bunny everywhere. And sometimes I don't know. She usually DJs at the Monster in the West Village on every Sunday night. But every time I run into her, I never remember if she's going to remember me or not remember me. It's because she's wild.

yeah she's a legend lady bunny's legend writes all her own jokes does songs writes all her own songs she like does song parodies were like once she's richard she did a duet with richard gear's mouse in her ass so she's like singing a duet with him and like she just like she and she does long interviews about like political correctness and what that means and what like you know she's she's really smart really fascinating and and um has she been in you know gotten in

hot water at all. Well, she did get kicked off Twitter, but then everyone voted to get her back on Twitter. So we got Lady Bunny back on Twitter. Hell yeah, we need her. But she's kind of the perfect example of someone who's like, she survived the AIDS pandemic, she survived homophobia, she survived everything, and she's coming out just still doing her... She's a legend. This is like fun New York energy for sure. Do you remember Lucky Chang? Did you ever go there?

Yeah, of course. It was on 1st Avenue or 2nd Avenue. Lower East Side, East Village area. It's gone now. It was a drag bar. Yeah, I did shows there all the time. Then drag queens would come on after you. I thought I was edgy. Then they would go on. I was like, Jesus Christ. It was cool. Bianca Del Rio, Bob the Drag Queen, Trixie Mattel, great joke writers. Yes. Really great joke writers. Wow, I love it. Good stuff. House of the Drag. Yeah.

It's fun, man. That's also too, it's like, it's fun. I think that helps jokes that walk that line is like a smile, silliness, like this type of shit where there's, I mean, just showing that you're not a fucking monster. I mean, a lot of it's presentation, like gift wrap that shit. For sure. What's the intention? We've lost that. Bloggers never fucking take attention. Exactly. I got canceled once. I did that comedy seller show. I have a whole bit about this, but...

I'm trying to think of how much I can get into without ruining my bit. The news show where you do the news headlines. This Week at the Cellar? This Week at the Cellar. Yeah. And one of them was the subject was Mike Pence. And so I was like, I'm gay. I'll cover that one. And I did a whole joke about how he wants to jail gays. And if they sent us to jail, I'd be like, you want to put me on an island with a bunch of gays? I'll come and I'll come. We'll just reenact all the musical scenes from Chicago. And this...

And before people put stuff up online... By the way, they gave us a day to write those jokes. I know, right? It takes six months sometimes for a joke to come up. Of course, of course. So I put it on... And you don't care. And you don't give a shit. I don't give a shit about this news. I was just trying to eat. Right, right. They paid well. They gave us the stuff and I put it on my Twitter, which I don't have anymore. And...

this gay blogger got wind of it and said, Mateo Lane is dangerous to the gay community and, and promotes gay men going to jail. And I was like, what? Promote? I was like, what? Or supports gay men going to jail. Jesus Christ. I know, it was crazy. And then like thousands of tweets like, you monster, I hate you. Like, what about Uganda? I was like, what about Uganda? Like,

how did we get to you guys? I love when they start bringing up separate stuff. I'm talking about Mike Pence. And also too, the point of the joke was the target audience of Comedy Central at the time was white men 18 to 35. So I was like, all right, I'm gay. I'll let them know Mike Pence doesn't like gay people. That was the point of the joke. So the intention of the joke was to tell people about how destructive he could be. Yes, and they spun it. And they spun it for themselves to say like... That's how they get eyeballs. And they're the good guys. I love that. That's...

They are trying to make their name in a way that's trying to destroy you. Them getting clicks is all they care about. Right, because they use someone who actually has to put themselves in front of people. Right. And then say, you know. But, I mean, it was kind of a good experience in a sense. These people never get dragged the way we do.

No. Who? Drag queens? They get dragged. Trust me, they get dragged. No, these blogger types who are like trying to go after you, but you're like, none of your shit is out there. You don't have to deal with any backlash. All of our shit is out there.

And we're trying to get laughs. We're trying to evoke humor. But look, I mean, that's the deal. That's Patrice's set. Patrice was like, the jokes you like and the jokes you don't like came from the same place. Yeah, well said. And I've had disagreements. I don't like everyone's jokes. And there are a lot that dislike it. But when you try to drag us and try to take out of context what we said for your own gain, you're a fucking pig. You're a piece of shit. You're the monster. You're a pig. And you're masking as the virtuous one. And our shit's all out there.

and their shit isn't and it's not in that way it's not a fair fight but at the same measure we will usually have a bigger following than they do because we earned it by putting that shit out there people read like Keith always says people see bullshit and so like I think like

For me, it wasn't a bad experience. At the time, it was a nightmare because I hadn't experienced that. I also had no followers. I was just trying to be a comic. But I got to see what it was like. I got to see what it was like for everyone to hate you and to misconstrue what you say. It hurts. It hurts. But in fairness, I was like, you know what?

that's his gig and how I react to it is what he says is not my problem. It's how I react to it, which is such a kind of gross thing to say. Mature, very mature. So, you know, and now I'm using it as a bit. I'm talking about it on stage and, you know, I have a bit about a person who had to cancel me in 2013 right now. That's hitting pretty hard. That's when I met you. I met you eating a burrito at the cellar and, or at, uh, the Creek in the cave. Wow. And you were going through that. Oh,

Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. And I came up to you and I said, I never met you before, but that's where I first met you. My very vivid memory. And I was like, I'm sorry, like what you're going through. And you're like, ah, you know, like you were very Sam about it. You're like, ah, you know, sucks. What are you going to do? That's a bitch. They don't get it. And you're just like going into this burrito. That was just an open mic. Some things never change. Yeah. Yeah. No, but at the same time. Same way it's pussy. Fuck the world. Where's the hot sauce?

No, it happens to you and it's a good taste. It really is. I mean, it shows you what...

lot of people's intentions are and because our intention I get it look I've even had podcasts where we argue with each other and stuff like that you know I'm certainly not mr. PC and don't want to tell anyone what to say but there's also times I'm like we have to distinguish what a joke sure because just saying words doesn't make it a joke yeah but that's a whole other topic I think generally speaking all comics are just trying to just

trying to make people happy at the end of the day. Make light of things, dark things. If you have a school shooting joke, I did a joke in a New York comedy club not too long ago and it was a joke about school shootings and that's already a dicey topic. I have this whole bit about how like a

A lot of these guys are incels. They just need to get laid. So we should... That's a whole prostitute bit. And a woman's like, fuck you, fuck you. You're promoting sex trafficking. And I'm like, promoting? I'm doing a bit about... It's a silly bit about bringing prostitutes into school to fuck the weird kid.

And she's like, fuck you. So they're throwing her out. And she's like, suck my dick. I have it all on tape. But I had some good responses. But I was just like, you're so off. I'm not a government official. Yeah. This is how laws are passed. What you're talking about. But it was her moment. To your point, I think people have confused everything to be. Everything used to be different. In other words, a comedian was a comedian and a politician was a politician. Right.

I haven't gotten shit before. But now anyone with any kind of platform is viewed equal. And so in a way, people have confused because of online. We all see the same thing on one app. So whether you're a dog trainer or a politician or a comedian, we view you parallel. It's all on the same plane. So we expect everyone to have the same morals. But in reality, people are upset online. It's like this isn't a comedy show.

So there is a kind of agreement we make, a subconscious agreement. We've signed a contract to say I'm sitting here to listen to some things that could offend me. But under the agreement that it's funny because we all know what happens when you make a joke and everyone laughs in a comedy club because you've built up that –

You've built up the environment to show that I'm safe and I'm not trying to hurt anybody, right? Which gets cut out and then thrown online. Exactly, exactly. Like I'm at some sort of rally. Right. I'm like, I'm at the Ha Ha Hut. Yes, yes. Oh my, literally, that was literally my response to a woman who just yelled out free Palestine in my show. And I go. That was fascinating. And I was just like, what? And she goes, I'm trying to make a point. I was like, at the Omaha Funny Bone? Right. Exactly.

I do love that we're making... We're trying to have this hardcore comedy discussion. Mateo's in his gobble, gobble, gobble shirt. I love it. You're in my he's my sweet potato. Yeah, we're trying to be fun. I love it, dude. Hey, you keep it fun and light. I'm with you, man. I think you have to understand we talk about intent. We talk about being silly. We talk about like...

Anyone who gets really offended at a show, it's not about the joke. It's something internal. It's about some other shit that happened to you that day, that week, maybe that you haven't dealt with in therapy. I can't tell you how many...

people I've you know dealt with in my life where they're screaming at me I'm like this isn't how I communicate yes I go to therapy I've kind of worked on myself you work on yourself then come back and we'll have this conversation or don't I don't want to talk to you or don't work on yourself I don't give a fuck walk in front of a bus I could give a shit I do feel I mean I don't go quite as dicey in my I mean you guys really go into subjects and it's it's

I really admire it because I don't have the forza. I don't have the strength to like go on. I think it's more boredom. I think it's more just silliness. Let's go. Let's talk about riots. I don't think we're being edgy. I think we're just fucking bored. It's not edgy, but I'm saying is like every comic has like their different side. You know what I'm trying to say? But it's like I never I've heard a bunch of I've heard gay jokes that I don't like, but I would never think to walk up to someone and

say anything to them I mean people have asked me about gay jokes and then I'll if they ask me I'm saying well you've asked me and I'm guessing that you want my opinion I'll give you my opinion but generally speaking I've heard some gay jokes that are great like your pride joke I always go back to like the sex is brutal

Oh, wow. That's all. Thanks. But that's one of my first memories of you. Right. Also, my first memory of you was you got Conan. You ran it at the Creek open mic and farted on stage. That's my first memory of Mark. My head's my big closer. Yeah. I got to the best comment. There was a gay waiter at the cellar years ago. He had glasses. He was a short guy. I forgot his name.

Darren, I can't remember, but he got fired or something. And his last day, he goes, every comic has gay jokes. They do the gay voice. It drives me crazy. And you never did that. You have gay jokes. You never did the gay voice. Hello. I don't like that. I don't like it either. I never liked the gay voice. And I never did it. And he was like, that meant a lot to me. And I was like, oh, great. All right. But I never forgot that. I don't like the making the gay dudes into one guy.

I never liked that. I don't like that either. Or a black guy or a woman or whatever. I don't do a black voice. Why am I doing a gay voice? So I was kind of like... I will say as a gay person, it's very fun to do gay voice. It's a fun voice. It's fun. It's a fun voice. But I was always kind of like, if the joke doesn't stand on the writing, I don't think it's worth doing. Right. My joke on gay voice is that it's so funny because in my head I sound like, yeah. But in real life, we just don't know we have gay voice. And you hear your voice back. You don't know? Like...

Well, now I know. I listen to my sets every night. You know what I mean? But before that, I was like, I sound like Gaston. I sound like Tony the Tiger. So it's so funny. Tony the Tiger. Yeah. That's so funny. That's your idea of a strike. I thought you were going to say like John Wayne. He's like, you know the guy from the serial? John Wayne is as gay as a picnic basket. Really? Let's get one thing straight. You don't think so? The costumes, the drag, the horse, the role play. He wasn't gay. Oh, please. Please. Howdy, partner. Yeah. Yeah.

He was always eating beans. Clearly it was a bottom. Wow. You heard it here first, guys. Yeah, but gay voice exists in every language, too. Like in Italian, you can just hear gay voice. Oh, really? I'm like, it's so funny. We all have that voice. Spanish. That's fascinating. Why is that? Why does the gay...

make you sound a certain way. I were more fun. Yeah, probably. More fun, more musical, more... It's also like a mating call a little bit, right? I mean, like, you have a different sound, so you're attracting people to hear you. And by the way, my brother's also gay. You would never...

Stereotypically in quotations you would just would never know what Tim Dillon's gay he doesn't have the gay boys Tim is it Tim has you have to listen to what Tim says not how he sounds cuz Tim has some of these funny like quick Like oh that only a gay man could talk about sassy. He's got sass him is really funny Yeah, he but but he has that like long island voice like I work on a truck

You know? Yeah, he prefers a fairy. But... But, yeah. Yeah, it's funny with gay boys. It is so strange. Yeah. I love it. I used to be so ashamed of it. Now I love it. Go with it. Embrace it. Yeah, yeah. Do you feel happy right now in life? Because things are going well for you. I feel... It's weird. A gay used to mean happy. Back in the day, yeah. And it's so ironic because no gays are happy. Well...

Especially not New Yorkers. No. New Yorkers are just cranky fucks. But is there a better place to be gay than New York? Well, it's like an oxymoron. You get the hottest guys, but you only see them once for three minutes. It's over. And then everyone's rude to each other. But then you have great... I don't know. Yeah, the bodies, the six packs. But my life is so... I have a bit of a... I don't live that life. And I sometimes feel left out. Like...

I see all these gays and getting up in costumes and going out to parties and doing these, you know, like dancing and stuff on comedy. I'm so my, my, I'm just so knee deep into comedy that like, that I don't get me wrong. I love it. If I walk into a club, I feel I'm being judged by my looks. If I walk into the cellar, I know I'm being appreciated by my intellect. And I, I love the cellar. So I don't ever look back and regret it. Cause you know, yeah,

You don't have to... The problem is we're sick of proving ourselves. We're sick of trying because as a comic, you prove yourself for so many years and you just walk into the cellar and you're instantly accepted. Yeah. You know, you go on these dates and it's like, dazzle me. You're like, I've been doing it for too long. It's like being an open mic. I'm done. I'm done. I'm tired. So I think that's kind of why we love the comedy cellar and the comedy family. I mean, you know, I think about Steve, you know, who we just lost. It's just absolutely tragic. And it's like...

Weird how hard, like, comedy is. The head of security at the Comedy Cellar just passed away. It's weird how hard...

comedy family deaths hit you. I was thinking about that. I was like, man, I'm really fucking sad. Yeah, I see him every time I go to the cellar. I have a show at the back. You shake hands every night. We're silly together. You have that kind of weird... Because you have so much time to kill together. So you just have to create this silly relationship. Yeah, and he was like the antithesis of a bouncer. He was like super intellectual, super well read. He took photos. Did you ever see with his camera? Yeah, oh yeah. He was like...

Brilliant guy. And then he's like this giant bouncer guy. Super warm, super friendly. You'd always say, whenever we're like a tank top, he's like, Mateo, why are you out here making all of us look bad? Just stop it, Mateo. Big hugs. Good to see you. How are you? Yeah, it's really quite... Also, because sometimes he used to be at McDougal. He's been at Village Underground more recently. But at McDougal, he loved watching comics sometimes.

sets yes and knew our jokes and knew we were working on new stuff yes it was like that kind of stuff I fucking love and hated a few guys by the way yeah which also means he was watching which also meant he was a part of the conversation yeah like gossiping I got into it with a guy on the sidewalk outside of the cellar you know a guy was like you know there's just rando weird guys just walking around and this guy was giving me shit and

And I was walking towards the cellar to go to a spot, and I just had enough. I was having a bad day, like your old tenant. And I was like, fuck you, fuck you, bitch. And we started going at it, and this guy would have killed me. Sean Patton walks up. He shows me his knife. Like, if anything goes down, I'll stab this motherfucker. Sean Patton is just a pirate. He's a pirate. He's a fat pirate. You should have a parrot, like, right here. Yeah. And, uh...

And I was, like, kind of backing up, and the guy was, like, coming towards me, but I knew I had Steve there. Yeah. And that's all I needed, because, like, even if this guy beat the shit out of me, Steve would just pick him up like this. Oh, my God. They protect us. They protect us. I mean, we run our mouths, and they're the guy, like, oh, you got a problem? Yeah. Check out this guy. He got between us, and he was like, get the fuck out of here, and the guy was like, whoa, okay. There's another cellar bouncer who saw some guy. I got to know the guy out there, because it's madness down there. It's madness. And he had a fucking weapon on him, and I was like, hell yeah, dude.

Just knowing he had that, you do get cocky. Yeah. Not a dangerous weapon, but enough. What are we talking? Pistol? AK-47. It was like a black... Was he Raphael? A nunchuck? Oh, is that a Ninja Turtle? I didn't know if that was your ex. Raphael! Wow, a nunchuck. That's always a weird sign. That's the one thing I love about the cellar is like, you know, I think we're all lucky enough to be like,

working there for a long time. Yeah. And it really does feel like a home. It's very nice. You get to go in and catch up and... I'd go in less if it wasn't so fucking fun. And other clubs are good, but it doesn't have the same vibe. No, the cellar is completely different. I love walking in and seeing how mad Liz is at me every night. Yeah, yeah. The manager of the cellar, she's always mad at me. Liz is good too because Liz... Literally the best summer of my life was June, July, and August of 2020 because...

I got a new apartment near the cellar, near our home. Oh, yeah. And it was like, it was kind of a strange time because no one was working. There was no FOMO. Everyone had left New York. And the only people that were there was Jose and Liz. And so at 12 o'clock they open. I go downstairs and I would leave at 8 o'clock.

Yeah. We'd grow a garden. We'd figure out what are we eating for dinner tonight. We'd hang out in the street like it's the 1970s. Yeah. And then the next summer when everything came back, me, Liz, and Jose all texted each other like, oh, I'm going to miss. That was like such a special time. Yeah. We would cook in the cellar kitchen and make dinner and invite Keith and like set out a table. Wow. And then all eat.

It was fantastic. That's great. It was weird. That community. That FOMO was weird. I mean, I think about that with my ex. We would just cook dinner every night, and I was like, you know, I do miss that weird peace. Well, nothing brings you together like that. Just movies and dinner and pajamas and dessert. Night with Yamanika. And not having gigs to go on every weekend. So I was like, holy shit, we were being together. It was like a family. This is actual togetherness. Right.

Maybe we should take time off. We're not healthy or happy. No, no. I do feel happy. I'm happy too. I have one moment. Do you have a moment in your life where you realize the life I'm living is not what I want? I'm missing out on something. Yes. My whole childhood. Basically. You're delivering. It's not DiGiorno. I was

Di giorno. Do you know what that means? No. Of the day. Of the day? Di giorno. Of the day. Of the day. Oh, okay. But I remember I was in Michigan in the winter. My friend got a cabin and all my friends went up. My friends, I grew up in Chicago and I love them. But everyone was drinking and just da-da-da-da. And I remember laying in bed really depressed and I was like, I just don't. That was like 24. I was like, I just don't think this is what I want. And then the second I started doing comedy, I never looked back.

Same here. I would get blackout drunk to hang out with my friends. And I didn't think that was weird because we all just drank so much. We were like degenerate pieces of shit kids. But then when you found comedy, you're like, oh, I have a goal. I have something to work towards. I have a bit to write. I have a show tonight. And isn't it crazy to think about where we started and how many people just peeled off? I know. There's so few left. Well, there wasn't meant for them.

Yeah. Yeah. And also I think like, man, how many degenerate pieces of shit we drink with now. So we've grown. But at least we have something in common. We have something in common. And it's easy. And that's the thing. If you're young and you haven't found your group yet, you'll find your group. Yeah. You'll find your people. And keep looking. And keep looking. Don't settle for people that you don't connect with because your people are out there. And if you're thinking about ISIS, that might be for you. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Still a group.

I have to say my gay crew, Bob the Drag Queen, Monet X Change, my friend Nick, all very similar. Drag queens are very similar to comedians. Very similar. Same life, writing jokes, getting on stage, dealing with assholes, something that bonds you with other people in a very specific

type of performance. Yes. So when I'm with drag queens like my friends Bob Monet and I feel very much like I'm with comedians. Yeah. I want to meet these drag queens. Oh my God. Let's all go out for an Italian dinner. I would love to. Great. Bring us with you. And plug dates man. There's been a killer app. Oh my God. Sorry. Yeah. I hope I wasn't long winded. Oh there's my dates right there. We've added a bunch of shows. Oh.

Slice Guy's one of my faves. Great club. Sold out? You love to see that sold out. Most of my... Yeah, it's pretty crazy. All right, he's at the Pittsburgh Improv in December. You know what I'm doing? I'm...

I'm at the Cincinnati Funny Bone in January. Oh, Stand Up Live Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, that's a big one. We have one show left. So if you want to come, that's November 18th and 19th. And then I'm going on a theater tour. Queen Elizabeth Theater, February 9th and 10th. Added our third show. Ace Theater downtown Los Angeles. Added second show. Neptune Theater. Added our fourth show. Hell yeah. Palace and Fine Arts San Francisco. And then Beacon, New York. Oh.

Alright, I love Toronto. That's gonna be fun. Alright, okay, what day is this, Matt? God, Mark, your schedule, aren't you fucking tired? I'm wiped. I'm wiped. I'm shitting blood. How do you look so good and this is your schedule?

You know, black don't crack. Joy Theater in New Orleans. The Wilbur. We got a fourth show at the Wilbur. College Street Music Hall in New Haven. Fillmore in Philly. Helium Buffalo. Cobb's Comedy Club. Always wanted to do it. Zany's in Nashville. The Blue Note in Hawaii. Oh, yeah, that'll be fun. And yeah, marknormancomedy.com for dates. Thank you. Hey, we got Springfield, Missouri. Fort Wayne, Indiana. Oof.

uh kansas city missouri tacoma spokane oklahoma makeup date i'm sorry about that then the theater tour starts new orleans austin dallas tulsa st louis vegas vegas baby vancouver just added a late show there uh seattle portland salt lake city all-star weekend basketball i'm hanging that week

Atlantic City, Royal Oak, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, New Haven, Boston. Had the late show there. We'll hopefully add more there. Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville, Virginia, D.C., all this shit. Wilkes-Barre, PA, and Port Chester. Yeah, bro. Oh, really? Are you really? Yeah. SamRoyal.com slash shows. Tour bus, baby. Let's fucking go. Whoa.

beaters on there. Little Gary's going to be getting fucking tortured on that bus. I taught Gary how to make coffee. Oh, dude, we're going to have a great time and get Bodega Cat Whiskey, the best whiskey in the business. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. You got that right. Subscribe to this podcast. BeerJu, what do you got going on, man? BeerJu's still at Say Less NYC on 38th Street. Come check us out. We're rolling out the new fall menus and pay your plan NYC for all your hospitality consulting needs.

Let me help you make your restaurant or bar. We love it. I mean, shout out to Matt Peters, who's been crushing the studio. I mean, look at this layout. This is better than my house in New Orleans. This is great. I love it. I wish you were my dad. Now it's Bill Burr waiting outside.

Last time Mateo was here, Burr went long and Mateo had to leave and we felt fucking horrible about it. You guys were so sweet. I was like, Bill Burr can do whatever the fuck he wants. I am never going to tell... Bill, can you hurry up so I can talk about Mariah? Like, no. This is a great app. It's a killer app. But in our defense, Bill's like, I'll give you an hour. I can do an hour. And then he wouldn't leave. Yeah, because you guys are great. And we'll fucking... Hey, man.

We were grateful to have him. Thank you so much for having me on the show, you guys. No, we love you, man. We love you. We're proud of you. And you're a buddy. I mean, this is a killer app. We might be drunk pot. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Subscribe everywhere you get this shit. Yes. And drink this fucking Bodea can. Everyone's loving it. It's killer. Follow me on Instagram, Matteo Lame. Hot, hot, funny. The whole package. It's on there, too. We love you. In jeans.

And get on the Patreon. Get a bodega. Give them hell. Ciao.