Ep 101: Bachelor Party Pt 2
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Oh!

Oh! We went from the hottest guy to the least hottest guy. From stripper to cancer. Who ordered the cancer patient? Come on, sir. Make a wish. He is. God.

Gnome is here. Just put him in Mark's pocket real quick. All right. Get right between us there, little boy. There you go. That was great. This guy looks like a fucking moron, right? Was it hard crossing paths with Rudy on the way out? There you go. There's a hat to commemorate. You guys share a cab?

Your make a wish. This is real? This is part of Gary's make a wish, guys. Let's make it count. Yeah. How's the leukemia going? How's the, what's that called? Oh, God. The laughs. Chemo. Thank you.

What is that? A moment of quiet. I'm driving. Are you? Oh, shit. Gary, I know your wife. You told her you're stopping drinking. I think for today, we mix it up a little bit. What do you think? Have a drink, Gary. Come on. I'll take a sip. Gary, don't fold. Have a sip. Do a bump. Why'd you stop drinking? Paper plane. Why'd you stop drinking? Some thing.

You've got two kids. Yeah, two kids. I don't know. I just slow it down. I drink with him every once in a while on the road. Get Gary a drink. I'll do a paperback. Hold on. Gary's going to slow it down. We're not going to see you at the hyper pace we've witnessed you in for the last 10 years. I get pretty good.

I'm crazy. I know. This breakneck speed can't stop. I know. I can't help myself. Have you been drunk this whole time? Yeah, yeah. I've been pretty fucked up. Really? No. I drink every while. I stopped after. I would drink for four years. Then I went to Vegas for one night. And then I broke my sobriety. What happened there?

I was with Andrew Santino, and he was just like, you know, it's not a big deal if you drink or not. Santino's a fucking pig. He's an enabler. Santino's an absolute pig. Oh, yeah. He's an absolute pig, that kid. He drooled. I know. I'm fucking with him. I've been like six of these cocktails, whatever these things are. These will fuck you up. These planes are fucking me up, dude. They're good. Yeah, they're putting their fucking lettuce dog, what's your whiskey called again? But they can't. But they can't.

How dare you? I don't know what that means. That sounds like one of your sandwiches. All right. Wait, real quick. Gillian Keeves is out. Gillian Keeves is out now, dude. Season two. Hell yeah. It's on. No, it's behind a paywall. Smart. To make some money. GillianKeeves.tv. Are you going to put it on YouTube later like Schultz? I don't think so. Okay. I think maybe like a sketch or two to try to get someone to watch it. Smart. Smart.

Some of the best comedy out there. What do you guys think about Newsmax? Gary, you're new. What do you think? Newsmax? Yes. I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it. It's a great platform. I'm trying. Now, it's hard for you to break away. You live in deep Jersey. You've got a wife and kids. I've wifed one kid, another one on the way. You're living his life. This is where he's headed. Jersey. Jersey.

Go ahead. Tell him about setting up a trampoline. Where in Jersey do you live? Burton County. There I go again. Trying to get rid of all the comics. There I go again. Easy. Someone had to be urban in here. Uh,

Oh, my God. Yeah. The guy with the no shirt on. Let's talk about the price of parking. How much more time do we have on this never-ending podcast? This is what everyone in the Midwest wants to hear about. New York parking. Poor us. A long time. Really? A couple hours. Since two. It's quite a party. Yeah. We're going hard here. You're fucked up. Oh, we should.

Shane, we wanted to... You were banged up. Shane was supposed to come at 2 p.m. I know. I fucked up. I wake up to a Shane Gillis text with Mark on it. It's supposed to be a surprise. I didn't know it was a surprise. And Shane goes, I can't make it to Mark. He goes, Shane's coming? All excited? I was like, I don't know. That's nice. Yeah, I was excited. I thought you set something up.

Oh, yeah. Well, I did. I ruined it. You did. You said a nice thing. I didn't know. I didn't know. Hey, well, Matt Peters really set this all up. Yeah, Peter. So shout out to Matt Peters. Matt, you made it again. How'd that stripper go? What was he up to? I wish I was there for that. That would have been nice. He came in. He was bummed that we didn't care. It was uncomfortably hot. Yeah, I bet. I was uncomfortable. It was a slightly shaved body. You could see some stuff. It was like an intervention of strangers. You look at us like, what? This has nothing to do with my coding problem, does it? Yeah.

And now, to bring it home, Shane's going to read us the Turner Diary. Good book. And now, to bring it home, Gary, tell us about the traffic cycle. Oh, my God. It is miserable out there. What are we talking, Holland or Lincoln? I took the Lincoln. What are you thinking? I took the Lincoln. You seem like a bridge man to me. I'm a bridge man every once in a while, but every once in a while, I decide to take the Lincoln. You got them started, they won't stop. Yeah.

Gary's just all coke in college. Oh, yeah. What? Very unsuspecting. There you go. Are you serious? Yeah. You still? Yeah, yeah. I knew this fucker. He was ready. That perked your ears up. Where's my coke? Dude, give me a blue chew and some blow, dude. We were talking about that earlier. That's the Russell's nice combo. Back in the day was Viagra and some blow, but now it's blue chew. Hey, whatever keeps you behind that merch table, I say God bless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sitting there for hours watching people walk out. I don't let features sell. Sam? Yeah, no, I let features sell. No, but can I apologize to Shane for a second or no? Yeah, of course. Because every time I'm at the cellar and I'm there late and Shane is just hanging out, you know, just wants to hang out, I always try to involve him and he...

He doesn't want to be involved, so I apologize for doing that. I love when you talk to me while I'm on stage. I like when all the comments do it. But I feel like it makes you very uncomfortable, and I'm sorry.

Yeah. Wow. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. You're just, yeah, I'm not good at it. Well, now compliment me back. Yeah, I do. No, I really feel I'm like, this guy definitely doesn't want to do this. Well, no, I just want to watch the show. I want to watch a tell. It's fucking nerve-wracking. You want to watch the show. And I even sit, I don't stay in the doorway. I sit in the corner where hopefully he doesn't see me. Yes. And I'll be like, Shane, you like vibrators, don't you? And I'm like, yes. He's like, good answer, dumbass. I'm like, what?

All right. Jesus Christ. What do you want me to say? A little more artful than that. It's a thing at the cellar when you're on stage and somebody goes, I got to pee, but I don't want to walk through the room because Dave is going to yell at me. And you go, fuck it, I got to pee. I'm sorry for using you guys instead of writing material. As you're walking through the room, you're just...

You know? Yeah. Hey, so... And we'll be standing. Sam, what do you think about this? I love when Dave insults you in the setup. And then if you don't... Hey, hold on a second. Gary, back me up on this. Oh, yeah. No, totally. I'm with you. I'm scared. When you're on stage, I'm scared. We have a saying, all right? Only yes. Agree to agree. Yes.

If you don't respond snappy enough, though, I've had you go like this to me, where you'll ask me a question, and I'll go, ah, ah, and you go, moo. You want to start a deep conversation? I just want a quick laugh and move on to the next. You can't see it, but in the back, if you hit a comic and we're with other comics, it's like, oh, fuck. It's like, oh, he's getting you. Go, go, go. And then you say the wrong thing. I like how you guys hide in the doorway.

Real Anne Frank of you either step out into the game or get out of the room. Well, we want to watch you. Anne Frank got caught. We're just trying to... We're in the corner. No, Dave, we're intimidated. Well, you got to step it up down there. I mean, look at me. I'm an old hack.

And I need all that help I can get. Yeah, but should we be funny back? Because then I feel corny. Oh, no. Now you're making it feel like it's a whatchamacallit. So I try to just answer exactly correct. No, you should try and be funny. Try to be funny. We've got to keep it going down there. All right. People on Groupon love this stuff. The people who come down there, they love to see the interchange. It feels like too much of a risk to try to be funny to you. No, what are you talking about? I just answer. I'm like, yes. I mean, you're killing it right now. But, no, I'm saying...

No, I'm just saying that I felt bad and I really respect you so I didn't, you know, because not everybody likes to do it. I actually, I do enjoy sitting down there. It's very fun. Now, I know right now you have your emotional paywall up, but... I just got, give me fucking ten minutes. I know, I'm sorry. God damn it. Give me ten minutes, I'll be fighting DeRosa. 100%. That would be fun. Yeah, right when I walked in with your little fucking...

I said, Bert Kreiser's here. Yeah, what was that? What's that mean? It means you're fat. Whoa! You're chewing right now. You're disgusting, dude. Joe, you... It's so annoying. I didn't say I wasn't, dude, but... Joe is definitely the... You're not even the fifth beetle. You're the sixth beetle here tonight. No, you're ugly. You're disgusting.

That's nasty stuff, dude. We have such a nice time. You always get drunk and nasty, dude. When I see your eyes like that, when I see his eyes like that. Two straight birthdays, I left Joe's birthday, and I remember two straight years, Joe goes, you fucking piece of shit. And I was like, it's 2 a.m. on a Monday. I came to your fucking birthday on a Monday because you guys have spots every other day. That's why I put it on a Monday.

You can't curse people out for leaving at 2 a.m. Oh, we lost Dave. You know it's not a real curse. No, no, I know, I know. It's a lovingly curse. We love it, dude. Dave's having an episode. My knee fell asleep. I see. That old war injury. Listen, you're literally out. I need to massage it with punchlines. Joe, what was it about?

on that Monday. I mean, come on. Now it's Tuesday, huh? Well, I think we've learned we've got to make a black friend. Well, stay tuned for your next guest. Oh, shit. This is not really the inclusive environment that Sam promoted. Who'd you get? Sam Jay? You wish. Oh, actually, I think I know who it is. Uh-oh. I'm just going to say he was arrested recently. DJ Youngfly?

Who do you think it was? T.I. No. Who was your best friend? No, I'm kidding. He wasn't. He's just black. Hannibal? Now that show is taking a horrible turn now that Rudy left. I knew it. That guy was the glue, man. That's a white rage. Oh, Rooney. Yeah, he was hot. Did he grind on it? No, thank God. Is this airing as we speak or no? Huh? Is this airing now? No. You got a few weeks. All right. So I'll be at the...

Yeah, where are you going to be, Dave? I don't know. Which funny book? I don't know. You got a lot of work in the fall? I guess you got it now that you're getting married. So, you know, you got to... Is she going to go on the road with you? No. Why not? Well, somebody's got to take care of the home. What home? That apartment you bought? It's an apartment. You still live in there? There's no one in it. Yeah.

Does she like that? She doesn't like that. Yeah, she loves it. The nine walk up to a closet thing that you got going there? That's a nice place. You guys won't be living there by next year. No, no. We're looking at Westchester. You really? Are you joking? I'm not allowed in the suburbs. You will not. Yeah, you got to stay near the clubs or something like that. Yeah, I'll be by the clubs. Yeah, but you got to get a...

you know, a proper home. Yeah. What neighborhood are we thinking here? I'm thinking Fort green. I like it. All right. Yeah. I,

i kind of want to move to brooklyn too come on yeah we'd love to have you the neighbors you'd be a good brooklyn we could not do spots together oh dude i'm an awesome brooklyn guy yeah yeah gary what do you think about this damage waitresses we're both drivers here what do you think about what you said congestion pricing congestion yeah for the uh cars i don't even know what that is what's congested congestion they're gonna they're gonna uh charge you extra to come in during the day

No. To drive into the city. This might hurt the podcast community. I'm paying a fortune right now. I can't make it. This might hurt the podcast community a lot. Yeah. It really could. Gary's ears perked up when you mentioned getting ripped off. Oh, my God. I mean, any moment I get ripped off, I'm going to circumvent. I was in a cab once with this guy, and the guy, you put a $100 tip in on accident. Remember that? Oh, yeah.

And the guy was like, oh, I can't fix it. I'm sorry, my friend. And you were like, I'm not getting out of this cab till you fix it. Yeah, we almost fought. Yeah. Hey, what's with the accent? Oh, I can't do Asian accents. I can. I can.

I still got it in that car. I went and did a set, came back, you're still in the car. Get your money's worth for God's sake. A hundred bucks. And the guy was like, all right, I'll fix it. So he could do it. He might have given me cash for that. I made him give me cash. I'm like, you know you have money. You solved

I was a good podcaster. I know. I would have walked. Now, if the person who says they can't do something when they clearly can do it. Yep. Lady closing the door on you at the airport. Oh, yeah. That was a nightmare. Telling you that they can't do something, but then they have the power to do it. Yeah, I got the door shut on me. She shut the door on me on a Connect flight. I missed the gig. Oh, yeah.

Actually, you were like running down there. I was running to get the Connect flight. She shut the door. I said, please don't. And she goes, I'm sorry. And she shut the fucking door in my face. That must have made her day, though. Yeah. You know what? I tried to put myself in her shoes. I'm like, that must have felt pretty good. There's another Morrison. I missed a gig in Vermont. It's like the Titanic sealing the fucking... Sorry, fellas. Like he's in the engine room. I had to... I watched a guy get kicked off my flight this weekend. What'd he do? Before takeoff, he's... I thought he was on pills, maybe blacked out drunk, but he's just vaping.

just sitting there vaping and a stewardess comes over and was like sir you can't do that and he was like he fucking shooed him away and kept vaping and I watched the gay stewardess go up there like into the phone I knew it was on I knew something was coming so they act like we're taking off first class or coach first class and they rolled I know this guy was first class on perks just yeah but they left the gate circled around went to another gate

Two black dudes came on and sabotaged him. They're like, sir, you need to come with us. And he woke up. He was like, I was just sleeping. What's the big deal? And he gave up right away. No fight. I was disappointed. I wanted to see his stats. I wanted to see a fight. He got up, hit himself. There's no harder job than a flight attendant. That's a real tough job. Well, they have to fight now.

Yeah, they have to fight. They're always like, I mean, that is a tough job. They just signed up for United. They didn't think of being one floor over the cuckoo's nest. It's a mess. I know. Yeah, he got off without a struggle. I was ready to be a hero.

Yeah, you wanted to... He was next to a black lady. I was ready to rescue my black queen. Beat the hell out of someone. Beat the shit out of a white guy. Yeah. It would have been nice. You would have made the news. It would have been nice. But then I was thinking if he knocked me out. Just get sucker punched by a guy on Perks. That would go viral. Yeah, it'd be rough.

The vape on the floor. You got to know you can't do that. He kept vaping. Damn. The guy comes over and says, please stop. Shoot him away. Is there a danger risk with the vaping? Yeah, with the lithium batteries. Right, Sam? They catch on fire. That's what they say. Remove them from your thing. How do I get out of this shot and make him do it? Here's the thing. I will say this. When you are on drugs, you don't have any concept that things can go wrong. If you're doing coke...

You're just like, nothing good. Everybody's doing drugs. That's what you feel. You feel like everybody's on drugs. Thanks. I didn't know he had an expert in the room. You missed it. We were talking about the airlines. It's great to be a kingpin at the University of Buffalo. I walked away with 25 grand.

You must at least miss the travel of being a comic out there. Where am I going? Oh, delayed. All right. I'll have a quiet snack. But you'll give me a chance to work on my blog. Remember that time I got us out of Tampa on the United flight? Yeah, it was two weeks ago. Oh, shit. Ari never paid me. He said he did. Yeah, well.

I haven't seen a dime. Well, I got my money back for my influx. Oh, my God. You can use all these laughs for every podcast if you want.

He didn't pay him. We were fucking jammed out in Marcos. Let me try this place. I'm not saying a word. Let her talk. We're like, this flight is 100,000 miles. And he was just like, all right, I got it. I got it. You got to get those points. A million miles, yeah. Let's talk points now. Gary, what do you think? Yeah, what do you got? You sound like a Marriott Hilton kind of guy. Yeah, Bonvoy all the way. Woo!

Yeah, yeah. Wimps are a dragon. I got it. Treat yourself to a warmed up scone. Why not? You got no honors?

I don't have Hill of Honors. I got the, what's the one that gives you, oh, Double Tree gives you the cookie. Oh, I love the cookie. That's always a sad moment. The morning after Mark and his lady enjoy all the pomp and circumstance of a, where would it be? Embassy Suites, perhaps. Oh, free coffee. The two of you in the breakfast in the morning, the free breakfast. We were the residents in last weekend. My lady would be like a crate. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. We were at a residence inn over the weekend, Gary and I, in Omaha, Nebraska. I love a residence inn. Anytime you're in a hotel with dish soap, just fucking end it. Yes! Extended stay. Oh, the amount of divorced dudes in this hotel. Oh.

Well, the vans in the parking lot. And all their shit in the vans. Yeah, you're right. You can hear babies crying and shit. That was pretty good stuff, dude. Bodega cat. I usually don't like it. Yeah, good shot. Definitely a good shot. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Hell yeah. Mm-hmm. One time. Yeah.

I'm not a story guy, but I'll tell this one. One time I was in Pittsburgh and we all went out and then we came back to the hotel and somebody had robbed the hotel, which is really big, robbed the hotel. And we're like, what did they take? Like the little soaps and stuff like that? Like, did they take all that little stuff that you take out?

But they basically came in and was like, can I help you? And they robbed the hotel. I was like, how cool is that? Wow. Just the guy behind the counter. Because we all know late night in the hotel they have that. The Indian dude sleeping in the back. The internet security thing where you have to buzz in. The buzz. That was before that. It's the Indian family behind the desk. Yeah. The guy comes out at 3 in the morning in his pajamas. Yes. Hey, what's up? I know that guy. He's cooking something in the back. You can smell the ramen or whatever. Yeah.

Good time. I kind of made a doc about that guy. It did not go well for him. Very difficult.

I miss the poo. What are we going to do? I like a nice residence in. Do you like it? I like where you can do your laundry while you're there. Oh, that's nice. Coin up. That's nice. As far as the mainstream chains go, I like the Marriott. I feel more as a boutique hotel man. Give me a beanbag chair. Yeah, a little Airbnb. I like a boutique. A gigantic TikTok toe board in the lobby. You sleep inside of a Pac-Man machine. Yeah.

There's a hammock in there. No, I really, as far as the chains go, Marriott, I find, always kind of delivers satisfactorily. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Middle of the road is the best. Because the four seats is too much. Because the Wi-Fi is $18, the breakfast is $90. You know what I hate? Can I say this? Can I just be honest? The W. I can't stand the W. I hate the W. I'm with you. Really? You talking about women? Okay.

The W is a little over the top. Who is this guy? Guys, guys, guys, guys. Too much neon. The W is too much neon. There's like, oh, look, there's a telescope next to your bed. Right. Or an Etch-A-Sketch or whatever. It's stupid. The most overrated hotel chain. I agree. I agree. Keith Robinson, it's his favorite hotel chain. I tell him, I've said to Keith, you are the most...

white trash human being I've ever met in my life. Do you think that W is a good one? You didn't have to say it right after a second stroke, I didn't think. Hey, different strokes. For the same folks. For the same folks. But he loves a W. I feel like slapping you, Joe, because I know he can't.

No, no, no. With one side, he can. No, W's suck. I hate it. Kimpton can be nice. Kimpton's all right. I'm trying to bring him back. You're saying he's white, trash, and black?

Which side do you think is white trash? Probably the side that's still working. Come on, Dave. I did that for you. I really need a black guest to show up to make that one land. Who's this black guest? We need him quick. Where is he? No more black jokes when he gets here.

This is talk you only hear at the Indy 500. Oh, yeah. You want some milk? You want to dump some milk? Is he late? All right. Wait, who's coming? Guys, thanks for having me. We don't know. Could be anyone. Anyway, I stayed at a Grossman Hotel, your buddy. Oh, nice. He has hotels? I didn't know he had hotels. You know what I mean. The ones that he puts you up in. Yeah, the one that he puts you up in. Oh, Sinesta. And it was just the worst fucking places. Sinesta and Philly. Found pubic hairs in my bed in St. Louis. You sure it wasn't a condo?

It wasn't a condo. No, it was a hotel. It was a hotel. Some pubes? They gave him pubes in the bed, pubes on the towels. That's a lot of pubes. Yeah. I mean, clearly it wasn't coming from him. I know, yeah. I wish. I wish.

I shave everything. Are you sure they were pubes? Oh, I was sure, yeah. Just curly hair? Probably just a black person. What? Curly? No, like they're small, little, and then... Can you sleep through the night in a hotel? Because I have trouble, and even when I get home now, I feel like it carries over to there. It is. It's like some interrupted sleep. You know, I have to run out and smoke anyhow, but it's still like a...

The hotel, like, I don't know. It doesn't really work for me anymore. Really? You know, sleeping in a hotel. How about you guys? I'd take drugs. You do? What do you take? We take a little something to put you down. It's called Seroquel. So it helps you sleep through the night. Nice. You take that shit? No good? I mean, that's like hardcore stuff. Is it? Yeah. Is it prescription? Yeah, weren't you taking fucking... I buy it off of... You got it from Mann's, right? Oh, jeez. Yeah. That's Ambien. You started taking it off with the alcohol. Yeah, because when you buy even like legit...

Let's call them legit drugs. It's legit. When you buy them from guys that aren't official, they're putting the... What the fuck is this stuff they're putting on all the... Fentanyl. Fentanyl. Dude, they've seized... You already took fentanyl once, you fucking idiot. What are you doing? That was a different... You're talking about getting... They've seized thousands of pills at the border where they've said, like, these are...

to like Adderall or whatever it is and they're just fentanyl pills. You have to be careful with that. I'm very serious. All right, all right. Well, the guy I'm getting him from is pretty up and up. That's what you think. You think everybody is. Is it Dr. Oz? Are you getting him from Dr. Oz? I wish. No. He's getting him from John Fetterman. I'm not saying he's not, but you got to be careful with that. All right, all right. You got to be careful with that.

Fentanyl, you better be very careful. You better be careful if you're doing fentanyl, dude. Oh, boy. Yeah, exactly. If you're doing fentanyl, make sure you do it well. Yeah, okay. You're down to just smokes and caffeine. And drill wrap. That's my guilty pleasure. Ah!

You give a shout out on a corner where you're going to be and tell me to take care of business, I'll come down there. I will. Guys, thanks for having me on the podcast. I love that you guys, you know, honestly, this is so much fun and, um,

Mark, really, congratulations to you. Thank you, Dave. I appreciate it. It's great to see everybody. It's good to see you. Love you, Dave. Great to see you, buddy. I'll see you tonight at the Cellar. Fire and ice, my friend. Yeah, we'll see you at the Cellar. Please don't talk about me when I leave. No, we won't. How long will this go on for? That's what I want to know. Apparently, we've got a black guest. Another year going, probably. Wow.

Who's the next guy? Dave's going to be in Skankfest in Las Vegas. He's also going to be at Mark Ridley's on October 20th. And he's going to be at Louisville Comedy Club. Yes, Louisville. And Helium Comedy Club in St. Louis. And Pittsburgh Improv. And Good Nights in Raleigh. Check out Dave's website for more dates. He's a killer. He's one of the best. DeRosa's relapsing on pretzels. Dave, we love you. Thanks, man. Thank you, Sam. You're the best, Dave. So who else is coming in? I want to know.

Oh, it's a surprise. Is there really another surprise? Yes. One more surprise guest. Who did we get? Linnell? I smell a ventriloquist. Please. Is it Piff the Magic Dragon? DeRosa, get over here. Piff was busy. We tried. I want you here. Those Americans got there. I want you to instruct me this, sir. Yeah, I tried.

How was that show? Was that a nightmare? That was the worst experience. Why was that so bad? You did it. I did it. I can tell you what it was. They keep you waiting. Yeah, they know what they're doing. What's this? America's Got Talent. You feel like a piece of shit when you're doing the show. They really do ruin your life. Oh, yeah. I did Last Comic. It was the same format.

Yeah, just I mean the constant waiting around they have you know they fucked up you have to bounce I'll catch up

I gotta go to dinner with my fucking girlfriend or family after that. What? I don't want to get fucked up. Oh, no. I don't know. You can limit on me, your friendly neighborhood boyfriend. She's a great egg. You don't know where you're going yet? We'll see. Thank you for saying that. Your girlfriend's awesome. Yeah, she's very sweet. Where are you guys going? She sent me a history book. Yeah, that was right. What? Where are you guys going together? I don't know. I don't know. I'm hungry.

But in the city? Somewhere in Long Island. Long Island? Yeah, her sister and brother-in-law live in Long Island. So we're going to meet between Queens and where they live. Are you going with the family? Yeah, they're great. She's from Long Island? They're all like nice Midwest women that are like, hey, buddy. Oh, you're having a couple drinks, yeah? Yeah.

No problem with alcoholism. Yes. They're all of them. How long have you been dating her? Like almost two years. Nice. She's a fun lady. Yeah, she's fun. That's great. You know what she does? What's very nice is she gets so drunk she falls asleep. Oh, wow. Every time. I'm polite drunk. My wife would punch me in the face. She's an alcoholic. She's a plate thrower. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. It was a while. That's why I stopped drinking. Every once in a while I catch a bad drunk with my girlfriend and she's like, yeah, man. Like out of nowhere it'll be like, yeah. She seemed like a cheery drunk. She is. Yeah.

She's very happy and then she falls asleep and it's like, all right, let's go home. Yeah, let's get a big gay photo.

The podcast is still going. Apparently. Taking a group photo. Thanks for letting me smoke in here. Yeah, yeah. Are you kidding me? You guys don't mind me. One more. Cool. Let me do it with the iPhone too. We missed it. Rudy would have been so good. Hold on.

Alright, there we go. One, two, three. Thank you guys. Thank you. Alright. Thank you, Dave. Thanks, Dave. Thank you. We love you, Dave. Alright. I'll see you guys later. Yeah. We'll see you tonight. I can't believe we got Dave here. Hey, man. We tried to pull out all the stops. Yeah. You didn't tell me it was his secret party. I think I mentioned it early on. I thought it was just a partner show. No, I was kind of like... No, I think I mentioned it early on in the text, but it might have gotten lost. I was like, who will make Norman excited? I was like, Gillis, Mattel...

In my head, I'm like, who's a guest that will make Mark? Peter. He just showed up. I didn't know. He didn't like that. He didn't pay for parking. He just comes here. He gets on the elevator. DeRosa, I knew would make Norman excited. I was thinking people that would like, that Mark's super pumped to see always. DeRosa's.

I love the rest. Look, he doesn't know I'm saying this. I love the rest so much. We all do. He is such a little bitch, though. He might be the most podcast goal, dude. I get why he's adopted. I get why his family dropped him off. Those Egyptians. They did the right thing. Yeah. He's the best. They knew. He was adopted by an Italian family. He does have pharaoh body, though. Oh, yeah. Very royal Egyptian body. Where are you going? Look at him. He's getting more fucking chicken.

Possibly the most underrated actor. I swear. It better call solid. Incredible. Underrated rapper as well. I've seen that. Rapper? Yeah, he can spit. What? Yeah. You rap? I do still. I'm glad that's over. Sandwiches, rap, comedy, acting.

Beast, dude. Great hang. Arguably the best hang. Oh, yeah. Such a good hang. I can't tell if you're being nice. No, we fucking love you, dude. You saved the best of the party. I never doubt your sincerity. What are you talking about? Every time we're together, I need to note it. He takes the first shot.

Every time. True. I come in, I try to be nice. I don't want to take shots. You're saying that as if that's like a character thing. Joe has a drinking problem. And a cook problem. So do I. I don't go around being mean. How dare you both. And a sandwich problem. You have a lot of problems. Actually, you got pretty good sandwiches, dude. Yeah, the body's a problem. Those chicken nuggets are weird. They're like ranch flavored. Wait, where are the spicy chips? Because Beard, you wanted us to try these spicy chips. Where?

Good catch. The one-chip challenge. Should we try these one-chip challenge? Holy fuck. Fuck that, dude. Ari did that on Taste Buds. I'm not doing that. Really? Extremely spicy tortilla chip inside. Now it's a bachelor party. Reaper pepper. Guys eating chips. Damn. Thank God Attell's gone. We can be fine. I know. We can be ourselves. Holy hell. I love Dave, but I don't want to upset him.

He apologized to me? That was crazy. He did? Yeah, right there. He was like, sorry, I'm at the cellar. First of all, it's not like I'm hanging out. I'm always right before him. Right. I'm always on the late show. Yep. And then, yeah, I thought I did well the last time. Yeah. It was like, nice. Why do people have a chip mark you down? You did well on that exchange. Are you down for like half a chip? I need to have a chip. Just a bit to get this open. Guys, I'm telling you, it's RE81 on Taste Buds. It's brutal. Ah!

Like, not fun. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Yeah, but Ari's... I like how you guys are still opening and just ignoring the rose. You guys can do it. Go for it. It's going to be fine, I promise. Jeez, it comes in one singular pack. Dude, I'm telling you guys. Do it. It's brutal. Do it. You said your piece. Let him do it. Ari was literally like this. He was going like... By the way, your mouth's numb right now with the alcohol. He was like sweating and almost... Do you know how many pages I can't handle this? Yeah.

Oh yeah, get that oat milk. You're not going to be able to handle it, I'm telling you right now. Smell that. That's a weird scent. Yeah, that's tough. Jesus. You'll be fine. Oh man, it already hurts. Just the tap on the tongue. You are the best. One chip in the whole thing? I know, that's how you know it's serious. And it's built like a tombstone for your girlfriend.

Just having on my tongue it hurt. No I have to this is gonna be bad It's kind of a wasabi where the no my god the fucking packet is spicy. Oh I got it. You're doing it. I already did it How much I'm killing me how much I did a nibble. I'm trying nibble Have you tried this beer Jew?

Beer Jew? Yeah. That's what he called him. The Beer Jew. Have you tried this? The spicy chip. Oh, yeah, I did. Wait, is he actually Jewish? No. No. I was going to say, he's tall as shit. Yeah, he looks like Eli Roth. He'd be the tallest Jew of all time. Although, you're a pretty tall Jew. Yeah, he looks German. 6'3".

Goal is a huge Jew. That's a huge Jew. Can we get a round of shots, Bear Jew? Oh, we don't need shots. Oh, shut up. All right. Don't disrespect DeRosa. Don't you dare disrespect him. Whose bachelor party is this? Don't you dare disrespect DeRosa. Yeah, I took a nibble and it's heavy duty. My tongue is hurting.

Oh, you're fucked. You're a goner. You can't handle anything. Fuck. You hate spice. I can't believe you did that. I like spicy food and I'm hurt. Ew, your mouth's disgusting. It's blue, dude. It's like eating ass. Oh my god.

Jeez. Someone join me. He's done for. Thank God Dave's gone. We can have a good time. God, I was nervous. Oh, you're eating chips on a podcast. I'm really sorry. Yeah, exactly. I told you. Why didn't you listen? Because I don't listen. Just a glass of oat milk.

Dude, that's that stripper's cum. Oh, no! Rudy! Why'd you do that, dude? I told you. Oh, my God. Hungover with that chip. Tomorrow's going to be hell. That chip in your belly tomorrow. Tomorrow? No, bro. God fucking damn it. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's no joke.

I just took a nib. Get Vitor some Coke to sell. Yeah, yeah. I can't, I can't. I'm driving. How do people have that whole fucking chip? Jesus Christ! I'll crash. Dude, Ari ate the whole thing, dude. I'm telling you. He was like, the whole gag was you have to eat it and then like debate with us. And he ate it and he was like, as he was debating, he was like shaking. I'm like...

Tears and sweat were coming out of his face. I don't think I've ever said it. Can we say him on Taste Buds is my favorite? Literally my favorite clips possible. Come on, dude. I watch every one of them. No doubt. DeRosa being a cunt about food. I love you guys. It's perfect for you. You can really dissect and just shit on a thing. And you're very good at the faces. Just like, eh. Eh.

Sal's so likable and you're so unlikable. It's a perfect marriage. You're the least likable dude. I don't know what the fuck I need to do with my body. What are you doing to me? Let's do a shot. Cheers, dude. I'm hurting, but I took less than you. I'm going to dinner with Shane and his girlfriend. Cheers, G. Where we going, dude? You're old enough to be her father. Where we going, dog?

How about the KFC in Penn Station? Remember going down there? Yeah, we did that. You remember the TGI Fridays? Yeah. And the McDonald's, of course. With a late train. Me, Norman. I think James Smith, possibly. Wow. Dude, I miss James Smith so much. Love James. I remember one night I was leaving Gotham and it was raining hard out.

And I watched James. All these women were trying to get a cab, and I watched James just cut right in front of them, take the cab. They all screamed, you fucking asshole. And I just watched him laugh getting in the cab. He didn't even know I was there. I witnessed that just as like, oh, this is James Smith. He's the funniest dude. He said one of my favorite things ever to me. We were hanging out drinking. It was me, him, and Rachel Feinstein. And he goes, James Smith goes. Oh, man. He goes way back in the day. He goes, he goes, he goes, he goes.

what the fuck do you do during the day, DeRosa? Right? And I go, I don't know. I'm a comic. I do shows at night, whatever. And he goes, shame your days aren't filled. And I go, what do you do during the day? And he goes, a lot of administrative work, mate. LAUGHTER

Damn, dude. And we were like, what? I don't get it. Like, what are you talking about? It's all right. The Rose of Telling Stories is great. That shit sucks. But for real, you telling it's great. Huh? That was like one of my stories.

But you're telling us better. But did you lean in and laugh hard at your own story? No, no, no. No, you didn't. He does a good job. That's how a guy tells a story. I see. I don't know, man. I was gripped by DeRosa's story. No, it was still good. I was gripped. It's funny that he said he does all of it. I don't get what he means. I get paperwork. I don't know. No, I didn't get what it meant. That's the point of the story. Nobody got what it meant. Oh, okay, okay. Now, James Smith is a fucking great singer. Another shot.

For the viewers at home, it's 11 a.m. What is this here? James Smith, I rode in a cab with him once, and he's going, oh, the B.O. in this cabbie. What's the deal, mate? And the guy's like, fuck you, fuck you. And he's like, no, why don't you get a shower, mate? And the guy's like,

Fuck you. And I was like, shut up, man. What are you doing? I didn't know you could do that. Foreigners, no problem. Yeah, just the B.O. is coming through the glass. No, no, wait. Where's James Smith from? Australia. Yeah, that's what I meant. The foreigners, the white foreigners are like, fucking Indians up here, disgusting. It's like, yo, bro, chill the fuck out. Exactly, exactly. It was weird. They have no idea how good whites are in America. I know. I know.

You would love James Smith. That dude's a fucking... Sounds like him. He's an Australian. Is he alive? It's wild. The shit he would say... We went into a deli once. When I lived in Hell's Kitchen, we went into the bodega. I haven't pissed once, by the way. I think Sam's got a coke problem, guys. I've seen it. We went into... We went into my bodega at Hell's Kitchen and he goes... Shut up. And the guy's ringing us up and he goes, when's the next attack, mate? Ah!

Holy shit. And I was so embarrassed. And the guy started laughing. He goes, ah, fuck you, man. Fuck you. And he goes, no, let us know, man. I was like, these guys can just, like you said, they can just get away with anything. Yeah, Australians should be, they should be the best at stand-up. They should be. I think they're going to be.

Well, you got Jeffries. Give them another 10 years. Australia's going to be the best. I thought they were most politically correct over there than anywhere. They are. They're Canada now. Yeah. They're like pussies. I was just over there. Australia's Canada. But when they come over here, they let loose. As far as like... Oh, it's been up on the floor. Yeah, shit just came out of your mouth.

But yeah, when I went there, they were like... Because I think they're so racist that they go hard the other way. Like they overcompensate by getting mad at the comedians. You can't talk about Aborigines. Yes! That's the thing. Yeah, of course. You're like, hey, listen, this doesn't matter. We're allowed to make fun of Aboriginals. Yes. And they're all like...

No. No. It was darn... Hannah Gadsby ruined it for them. No, that's fine. Look... They were so fun and funny and now she's like... No, they're still fun and funny. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, probably their social pressure to make them more PC is going to make them funnier. You think so? Yeah, you're going to get a bunch of Australian dudes being like, fuck that. Fuck you, eh?

That's funny. Because they're animals deep down. We've met them. They come to comedy shows. They're fucking wild. Yeah, they're the wildest. They're drunk. Yeah, they're the wildest. They're the wildest. Yeah, it's like a real ragtag kind of thing. But you're saying they're getting soft. Yeah, they got hit with like... It was pretty strict during COVID. They got like Canada... Pretty strict. It was really... Yeah, they got strict. And they're very... So when we went through BLM, they got...

every other country had to pretend they were also not racist. So they all had to be like, yeah, here's our thing that we need to atone for. So Australia went hard with Aborigines. Right. Aboriginals. I hope I'm saying it correctly. Yeah. I don't want to offend the natives of Australia. You know what I mean? It's never a good word when you're not trying to offend. I think the term is savages. I thought natives is totally fine. The,

The... Yeah, they're native. They're usually like original people. Guys, what are we off of? All the fucking different... Original people? No, but I thought... Good one. I meant coming from other people. What are we off on the fucking... Another round of shots. I'll do another one. I remember... Wait, you didn't even do the last one? I'm sipping. Me and Sue will do one. Why me? I got a night ahead of me too. What the hell? We got four shows. Where are you going to go?

We're going to dinner, Norman, me and V. Oh, we are? Yeah, we're going to dinner. Oh, we're going to dinner. I'm driving us there. You guys are going to dinner? You guys didn't invite us? You didn't invite us? You're all invited. Come with us. You didn't invite the rest of us? Old Homestead, you in?

Oh, are you kidding? You want to come? I wanted to go there last night. Are you serious? Shut up. Fuck yeah, bro. You got to get a bump in you. You're on a level. We'll get a bump in him. Look how small he poured the shots. That's a good bartender. He needs one. Finish that one and get another one, you coward.

Oh, who's talking? Where's yours? Right here, bro. Oh, shit, dude. You do still got a full paper plane here. This is beyond mess. Dave knows when to leave. God, I had six pink drinks. I'm flying. Pink drinks. Ah!

Bodega Cat's got you fucked up. That's a rez at Old Homestead. 6.30. Do you have spots tonight? I do, but I might have to cancel. I do too. I'll tell you right now, you're going to have to cancel those, dude. Really? Wait, 6.30, that's two hours from now. Oh, bro, we're just getting warmed up here. Anyway, cheers. Hey, Mazel Tov. You better take that as a shot, Mark. I just took the last one. Holy shit. Take this one as a real shot. Holy shit. I just touched my dick with the chip.

Oh no! The hand that touched the chip touched my dick and I'm starting to feel the burn. Welcome to the party. Fuck! Why'd you do that? That wasn't very strong. I wasn't thinking! Don't wipe your eyes. Yeah, how's your tongue? That's the worst. My tongue hurts, my dick hurts more than my tongue. Well, your dick's not used to this kind of spice. A lot of guys don't know, eyes worse than dick. Fuck, alright, hey.

So wait, is there anyone else coming? Yeah, there's one more guy, and he's going to be ambushed. You all say, do the shot. I can't be sober around this. This is terrible. It's not Godfrey, is it? I was going to say, is it Godfrey? I can't tell you who's coming. Is it Greer Barnes? He likes a cocktail. Is it Sherrod? If it's Sherrod, this is going to go sideways right now. I wish. We can't handle Sherrod. This is like Clue. We should get Sherrod. Black guy with the beard.

the beer. Or guess who, rather. Sorry. Mark. Mark. Yeah. Yes, dude. You're gonna die. Yo, you're gonna be dead. Dude, we're going to old homestead, dude. Hell yeah. You're gonna be full of all these... Is Hanley coming? Yeah. He's coming to the steakhouse. Sweet. Man, you guys... I am actually hurt a little bit that you guys were like...

You didn't invite me to the... You are invited. Now. Now that I've addressed it, it didn't hurt my feelings. I made a larger reservation. I would hope everyone would come. Nah, that's fucked up. What do you know about Old Homestead? My mouth is on fire. Really? It's the most famous? It's my favorite. Oh, it is? It's one of the oldest. Ew. Dude. I went to Smith & Wesson last night. Cancel with your girlfriend's family. I truly can't. Come and get drunk with us. No, I can't.

Hey, you can come if you want, Peter. I'm going to go. Stop chewing into the mic. Bring her with us, dude. Who cares? No, I can't because it's not just me and her. It's her family. And she was like, what day is going to work? That makes sense. And I was like, all right, here's one day. And she was like, all right, block it off. 1868. Wow. Old homesteads from 1868. Liam Neeson died in Gangs of New York. Whoa.

Whoa, the dead rabbits. No, it's not. Dude, my dick's on fire. My dick is hurting so badly right now. That sucks. Put your dick in oat milk. Should I do it? Yeah. Get me the cop uniform and I'll do it. You wouldn't. No. You wouldn't be able to dip your dick into a cup. Who couldn't? It's a cup.

You should fill it up high. My friend was a real piece of shit in college and he used to fill people's beers up with his dick in the glass. And he'd look at me and go, ah! And he'd give him the beer and we'd laugh. That's pretty funny. Disgusting sack of shit. He was a bad guy. What a real terrible guy. I think it's funny. I feel you're the guy who would always shit in the top of the toilet at someone's house. Yeah, the upper deck.

That ruins the toilet. Really? That may not ruin it. Somebody's got to fish it out. I remember watching my friend. We were at a house party. It was one of those grates on the floor for the heat, and he shit in that. Yeah, you're the best. You're the best. Yeah. Real fucked up for your ladies dinner. I don't give a fuck. At least I'll be able to talk. Are you on good terms with the family already? Yes. That's good. Normally, I'm pretty quiet. If I'm sober or something like this, I'm just...

Same. Dead silent. Especially because the whole time they'd be like, oh, the sketch show came out. I know. You are so good at Trump. Dude, I will say, I love all your sketches. The Trump one hits me different just because to take Trump and make it not hacky is...

It takes a lot of skill. Thanks, dude. It takes a lot of love, dude. Well, no, it does. You kind of have to... Yeah, you got to not... Dude, I was watching Colbert last night. They had fucking Nancy Pelosi. Really? Dude, it was nuts. She was on there? Yeah, she was the guest and they were like, how about they showed a picture of Biden with

Kamala Harris and her behind him at the State of the Union and they were like, isn't it cool that you broke the glass ceiling and now there's two women behind the president? And it was obviously they wrote this out and she was like, what if it was just three women up there? Not a female president and two females. Shut up, Pelosi. Dude, there was literally a dude in the crowd that was like... You can listen to the crowd react and there's a dude going...

That's for real the gayest dude of all time. It's so weird. You can hear the gayest dude of all time. Yeah, what happened to funny? He's like, dude, that would be incredible. You know, the lineup is ratings wise. It's Gutfeld, then Colbert. Gutfeld dominates. Dominates and then Colbert. Folks, I got to be honest with you. I call her Pagrosi. Pagrosi.

Nancy pig low season. She's hot. She's got great cans. Those cans, I want to see those cans. Yeah, well, they're old now. No, but people are saying that they're not old, that she got implants. Oh, no. I don't know.

I want to see those kids. Clearly those are real. You think? You think those are real? Pull them up. She's like 80. Pull them up. Yeah, she's got work done. You think 80-year-old tits look that good? Well, obviously she has a brassiere holding them up. No, but even still. She has massive cannons. We all agree on that. Huge cans. Joe, you're a statesman of jacking off to older women. Joe, you've got massive cans. You know this.

You're the Nancy Pelosi of comedy. Old and giant tits. The

Joe's never done Colbert. She's got huge cans. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. Colbert brought her on and then they talked about how important it was to vote during these elections so that the Democrats come in. Oh, he's gone.

Yes, dude. Last night, we said hello. Hey, get in here. I called it. I called it. I knew it was going to be a Nigerian. I could feel it. I could feel it. Even though we didn't make it to World Cup. It's all right. You guys have made some noise before. Hell yeah.

Look at all this money. I need it. I'll be right back. How many spots did you do yesterday? Yeah, I did four or five, I think. It's like weekend spots here, right? You just missed David Tell. David Tell just left. Of course he did. Yeah. He had to go do a spot at the Port Authority.

Fucking Joe. Man, Nigeria didn't make it? We were trying to guess who was going to show up. And we were like, is it going to be God? Really? You just guessed it? I knew. I just saw him yesterday. Oh, yeah. No JJ at coach this year, huh? No one coach all that old school shit, huh?

Yeah, what's up? What's up, dude? Do you need a drink or are you good? Yeah, Coke. All right, all right. Give him alcohol. Joe's got Coke. I'm not good at alcohol. Wait, you never drank? Not really. Even in college. You'd be a good drunk. Bless you.

Life of the party? Or the worst. But it's strong. Corona? A lot of Pacino. We're doing fewer planes right now. They're not too strong. I do. Oh, you know what I do? There's a thing called a shandy. You ever heard of that? You take like...

No, no, no. You get like Sprite and mix it with Guinness. Whoa. That's a Jamaican thing. It's so good. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Dude, Jamaicans. Because Nigeria is low. My father always had a lot of Guinness. We had a lot of Guinness. Guinness, which is an Irish drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the lager, it's thick. So I always had Guinness in the house. Oh.

And we'd mix it with the 70s. It's so good. You know what else is nice? Red Bull and Guinness. Oh, really? Red Bull and Guinness. Red Bull and Guinness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the Jamaican drink. Yeah. You'd think it'd be terrible. It's not bad. I mean, you will. You're going to throw up. Really? I drink some of it, and I can't drink like you guys. You know, Jamaicans invented chocolate milk. I can't. Fun fact. Is that true? Yeah. Fun fact. Wait, what's up? I said Jamaicans invented chocolate milk.

Hey! I like that black history. It ain't even February. Go ahead, Mark. Yeah, I got one. You know what's nice about the steel drums? You know why that's Caribbean? It's because it was all the steel drums that they were using to ship out all the exports they were using. But the black dudes down there were like, we can make some drums out of this. Hell yeah! Let's go!

all this black history amongst white men finally well we we do love Mark I got you some oat milk for your bachelor party real shit real shit I love it God Mark take a sip of the oat milk uh oh is it jizz what no no

Wait, what are you doing? Why are you guys doing drinks? Why are you guys doing this? I almost heard you do that.

from the Flaming Hot Ships. Why would you do that? He told me to do it. I didn't drag it. Thank God. Why would you do that? Because he told you that it would be funny for the bachelor party. That's disgusting. This is the type of shit. You know what this reminds me of? When Eddie Iff and Jim Jefferies had a podcast on Venice, I did years ago, and it was me, Segura, and some other, and they were all jerking off in glad bags. What? No, no, no, Ziplocs.

And I didn't do it. I was just like, what the fuck are y'all doing? And that's why it reminded me of... You did stick your dick in there. You did, didn't you? That's fucking disgusting. How fucking despicable do you feel? I feel like I have a lot of growing to do as a person. And...

No, no, that's cool as shit, dude. Don't worry about it. That's cool. That's cool as hell. God damn it, dude. Our first black guest just showed up. You didn't do the white, the whitest shit possible? Fuck. You're predictable. I knew some shit was going on. The whitest shit possible. The jizz is never right.

Thank God Godfrey showed up. Yes, I am the control of this. I control your antics. We had a sleepover when I was a kid and we had our one black friend stay over and we put his pinky in water because we wanted him to piss himself and he flipped. He woke up and he was like, what the fuck? We're all standing above him and he just started swinging. He started swinging? Yes. We all got hit. Courtney Reynolds, he's a comedian. He's a Jamaican dude. He's from Philly.

I do this nice little fun trick. I go, you see where the horse hit me? I did that to him. He's grabbed my balls. I did that to him. Gil is just grabbing my balls. That's a fun joke. What are you, black or black? But you didn't even flinch. He can't feel his dick right now. He went to summer camp. I did it to Courtney, and Courtney, with no hesitation, socked me in the dick. I dodged him, and he goes...

And I was like, all right, I got to take this. I do deserve this. Normally that's a fight. When you play ball, right, we do a lot of locker room shit. They always fucking did that. Of course. White's always like, oh, they're going to twist your nipple. Here's my dick. Snap your, yeah, weird shit up your ass. But then it's funny because now you got like the black dudes in the locker room, they're like,

It makes it funnier. You show everybody your dick and the black dude's like, man, you got some facts. Because the white dudes would be naked the longest. We're like, what the fuck? Black guys came up with no homo. Right. Oh, really? Yeah, before they go, yo, no homo. I think Hitler. I think Hitler. They even say no homo. I think Hitler came up with no homo. What?

Pretty severely. They were on the train. Dude, I literally tweeted that I was watching the Kenberg, something about watching the Kenberg and a management company who's trying to sign me literally wrote me a text today saying, uh,

We also watched the... We want to sign you. We also watched the Ken Burns Holocaust doc, and we were equally disturbed. I was like, this is your fucking method? Wow. We found the Holocaust to be horrible. How would you like to team up? No shit. Jared Logan had a really funny no homo joke. He's a funny guy. We talked about how guys say no homo when they compliment each other. Yeah, when they compliment. Yeah, and he goes... He goes...

I compliment. He goes, I compliment guys. And I say, Jesus. And then I dropped to my knees and put my mouth up to their crotch and go. Jerry Logan is fucking. Dude.

Remember Jared Logan's bit about you go to a friend's home and you're like, oh, you own Great Gatsby where the red fern grows a separate piece. You seem to be a huge fan of required reading. It's a great Jared Logan bit. He's funny, dude. He's funny. He's still alive, right? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he just moved to LA. That's how we talk about people who went to California. That's a death.

We think he's alive. We're not sure yet. You leave the East Coast, you fucking die. Bye. It's never too early to play holiday music, and it's never too early to start thinking about gifts. Whether it's just for a friend or the friends of your pants. It's your penis and your balls. You can make this season to be jolly with Manscaped. Their platinum package has it all. The Lawnmower 4.0 Body Trimmer and Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer. No, the Lawnmower 4.0 Body Trimmer and the Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer.

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Free Palestine heckle. I had a heckle in Nebraska over the weekend. A woman yelled out, and Gary was there. By the way, Free Palestine, you fucking dirty Jews. You told me on the phone. Yeah, Godfrey called me over the weekend. Really? Yeah, I said, I want to do your fucking bug. Yeah, yeah. And he told me about this. So what happened was this woman, this woman out of, I'm doing an Epstein joke, and she goes out, Free Palestine. I was like, weird timing. All right, whatever. Actually, she's exactly right. He was Mossad. Go ahead.

So we start rolling with it and she just keeps going and it turns into a whole thing. And I'm trying to be as calm as possible and nice as possible, but I fucking post the thing because I think it's a hilarious encounter. And the Jerusalem post, the headline is, a woman at a comedian show yells out, free Palestine. The Jewish comedian offers her a drink. Ah.

Really? That's the headline because I said, what are you drinking? I'll get you a drink. That was my... The Jewish comedian offered her a... That sucks to be identified by a race like that. How about the San Marino? The Jewish... The Jew offered her a beverage. In the article, it says openly Jewish comedian. I was like, openly Jewish? I didn't know I had a choice. I'm going to win! Ha ha!

I didn't know I could have come out to my parents. Mom, sit down. My foreskin is gone. The Jerusalem Post. The Jerusalem Post. Folks, my remote control has more range. What?

Was that Andy Kindler or Dice? I couldn't tell. Yeah, which one was that? Andy Dice. Andy Dice. Andy Dice. DeRozan's fucking wrecked. Look how drunk DeRozan is. We're not making it to dinner. The Jerusalem Times, folks. Folks, my exercise machine has more strength. This is a fucking mess. You know how much I want to fucking Sparta kick him right in the ass? Look at this.

That was a great bit. That was a great bit. Your adoptive is showing. What the fuck? Well, we made a plaster for you. We knew you were coming. What the fuck? We're the cunnilingus expert in here. We objectify black people.

It's a fetish. That's a fun thing we do as whites. You know you right, man. I love this man. You got this shit, man. You woke, man. Yeah. You'd be surprised. I'm not surprised, motherfuckers. I should Sparta kick you down, dude. For what? For that joke? Just being a disgusting Egyptian, dude.

He's a North African. Disgusting. North African. Right on, West. That's what Patrice used to say to me. He would call me every... He talked to you a lot. What would he do? He would call me every Thanksgiving and he would go... Me too. Yeah, he'd go, Joe, man. It always sounded like it was a thing I burdened him with. The invite was a thing I somehow burdened him with it. He'd go, Joe, man. Yeah.

I'm just trying to... I'm having Thanksgiving, man, so I just want to invite you. You know what I mean? And I go, Patrice, I can't. I got to go see my mom and dad. And he go, Joe...

You a dirty African motherfucker like the rest of us. Stop upholding your bullshit white traditions. He would call me for the summer barbecue and he'd go, hey African, listen. He's like, I know you don't gotta get a lot of food.

But listen, African, you can wipe the flies off your face and come over to the pool. Oh, my God. Oh, that's how Patrice talked to us. He just shouted, but he wanted you to come, but he had to shit on you first. Yes, yes. Before, that's what Patrice was. I remember one of the last conversations I had with him was he trashed me on Opie and Anthony. We were on Opie and Anthony together, and they were plugging my dates. And he goes, after they plugged my dates, he goes, Joe, who you opening for on those dates? Right? And I was like, ah, Pat.

And then he called me late that day. I remember I was at my mom's house. I go, hey, hello. And he goes, Joe, man, listen, man, the only difference between me now and me then is

I wouldn't have called a motherfucker back then to say, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. And you're like, dude, you're calling me to apologize right now. And you sound like it was my idea. Yeah.

I didn't think you was going to pull out of that story. Yeah, yeah. You sound like it's my idea. I didn't ask you to call me to a pub. Remember the fucking, what was it? Charlie Sheen roast? Was it Charlie Sheen? Yeah. He called me after that. I remember when I was living in Brighton. He called me. He said, hey,

did you see that last night i was like yeah i watched it i said you dude you were dope as you made it so like different it was different he goes yeah they just wanted to see the fat bomb all right

He said... They got me last. He was mad that he was last. Yeah. He was pissed the fuck off. Well, that's a tough spot to reverse. Yeah, he was so angry. But it's also tough to go first, and they always put Geraldo first, and that's a tough spot, too. Yeah. I'd rather go first, though. Yeah, knock it, get it out the way. Well, Patrice said that was the 20 years of experience he pulled out of his ass just to make that work. Yeah. All those rough gigs. Well, it felt like... They didn't feel like jokes. It felt like riffing. Yeah. That was his genius. Yeah, that was really dope. Wait, wait, wait.

with William Shatner where he was going, Captain Kirk, you a fucking asshole. Fuck you. I was like...

Like you said, I was like, I think he just is riffing this. Yeah. He goes, Jeselnik, that was the last white name I want to remember. Galifianakis was hard enough. That was all. You could tell he was writing that while sitting there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, Jeselnik, I don't mean... It's an open mic or some shit. No, no, no. I'm trying to remember how he said it. He goes, Jeselnik, and he goes, I refuse to know his fucking name. Yeah. I refuse to know his fucking name. That was it. And he goes, Galifianakis was the last...

hard white goofy white goofy white this funky town yeah that's a great sentence yeah goofy white names amazing that was a good one whatever happened to him oh shit oh shit i didn't know he was sick were you really close with him godfrey yeah very man i was very close to him i would sit in his truck and he'd just be talking shit you know and and i remember he'd talk about gigs like he said i don't leave the house if it's over if it's less than five thousand i ain't leaving the fucking house

Damn. Like, I'm like, oh, well, I got a gig and I'm going. I'm going to get it for $4,500. $1,500. I got to go to West Niagara. Yeah, I'm going to hit that. But he wouldn't leave the house. Then he would say, yeah. He goes, man, listen, man, I fucked up a lot of shit on purpose. Because I was talking to him about Twitter at the time. I said, yeah, man, I'm trying to get followers. He goes, man. Yeah.

He's like, I would rather have 10,000 motherfuckers that fuck with me than 100,000 that ain't shit. He said, yeah, he would give me a lot of good advice, man. God, I wish I was blacker and say stuff like that. I know. Fuck, I'm sorry. So I got to be white, and I'm like, well, you need to work on your social media. Robert Reed Bradybunch. Well, Bobby, you know what we always say. Social media is very important.

Better to have quality than quantity. TikTok, YouTube shorts, and reels. Can you bleep this name if I tell this story? Oh, shit. I need to say the name in the room to get the laugh, but can you bleep it? All right. Pete Robinson. No, we were both being managed at the same time by the same guy, and so was this other person. And I was standing on the street waiting to go in and meet with my manager, and

And Patrice was coming out from a meeting and he was sitting in his car and was walking down the street. Uh-oh. And was going up to have a meeting with them too. And he kept walking up and Patrice just went and pulled his window up. And Patrice put the window back down and he goes...

I'm sorry, Joe. I just couldn't get any of that on. And I know that's the thing.

dude i love him wow it was awesome huh it was amazing that game show did you do that which one the game show you were hosting oh it never it never took who are you hosting i had a i got a called in to host this game show because somebody dropped out and who dropped out do you know i don't know but

bigger than me more important than me and so they called me in and I did my thing but I don't think my thing is what they want you know yeah especially the guns yeah should have blown on it prices right that's what I did that's what I did you got it wrong you thought you had the right answer but no he's the winner is this sociopath

You are a psycho, dude. Well, I'm doing comedy. You're the biggest psycho. He is crazy. You are crazy. I'm doing comedy. I thought that's what people were saying. You're a good psycho. But he's a mellow psycho. Sure. You are. You could have gone the other way. That's true. You could have dommered out. I could have murdered people. Yeah. Instead, you just do okay on stage. Yeah. You could have.

I thought about it. I thought about it, obviously. I got a family now. I feel like I let them down. Now it's time to get a couple guns and head up to Mandalay Bay. That sounds like a great idea, actually. Get some guns, dude. Get a hotel room. New York, you can have guns now, man. Really? Yeah, you can get a license to have a gun in New York.

It's about damn time. You know how I knew it was going to shit? Finally, people on the subway will be packing heat. Artie Fuqua. Artie wants to get cunts. That makes me... So when he's hosting, that makes me... He's got to have posters with those tight suits. He can't even have the... He might have the detective hat.

Show through his jacket. I can just see him showing it going, yeah, huh? You like that? You like that gun right there? And he'd have a new vest every time. Yeah. Let me get them some champagne. By the way, that does, they should, if I was a Democrat, I'd be running a commercial of Artie buying a gun. And just being like, are you sure you want Second Amendment rights? Yeah.

Just a dude dressed like Conor McGregor buying a fucking handgun. He's taking a lady's purse. Keith Robinson calls me one day and he goes, I saw a dumb party last night. That's really good. You might be drunk enough to be nailing Keith Robinson.

I'm drugging him. I'm stroke drunk. I'm stroke drunk. Goddamn stupid Arnie. Holy shit. I was making fun of his peewee Herman suits. He's like, hey Arnie, I'm sick of you. You bug me. Can't stand your suits. Can't stand nothing about you Arnie. Do Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey. Oh,

Hell no. I'm going to tell you right now. This is a goddamn good podcast. That's unbelievable. I'm telling Sam and Mark, you some bad motherfuckers, boy. Do Steve Harvey as Mark hosting a game show. Jews. I'm going to tell you something, Jews. Hey.

Who's the winner? Black family, white family? Controversy. Controversy. Controversy. David Tellhole said, oh, look. The black family's leading the white family. Racist.

Do you still do Statham? Oh, yeah. I did Statham for Statham. Really? On Opie and Jim. I did it for, because Jim called me and said, dude, you got to come. Statham's promoting a movie. You got to come. And so I come over there. I meet Jason Statham. Holy fuck. And I'm like standing in. We're talking. I go, when the fuck am I going to get embarrassed, right? So fucking Opie just kind of

finagles his way and goes, you do state them right. I go, fuck. And Statham is like, all right, I ain't waiting to shit. Oh, that sucks. He's like, I told you I'm the transporter. He's like, you do me better than me. Fuck. Wow. It's on YouTube. Shut up. You're walking around now that a black guy's here. What the hell?

What the hell is that? And why are you running off like Blackpink? Why'd you got to run off like a... Yeah, start smacking his neck. Stop acting like that. We're these Egyptians. That's bullshit. Statham's a cool dude. That's a great impression. He's a fucking amazing little guy, man. Like, you know, he was a diver. He was a professional diver. I didn't know that. When he had hair, you could look it up. He's like a diver. Like, they show him dive, hide, dive. My mustache dominates people. Really? Yeah. Wow, he keeps getting sexier. Yeah.

Yeah, he was very cool, man. Really? Oh, man. Sexy guy. Cool guy. Badass. Badass. You know, just a bad motherfucker. You go, oh, I see why. Yeah. He's that dude. He'd be a decent Bond. He would be fantastic as Bond. Yeah. I kind of want Elba for Bond, man. I want Elba for Bond, too. I want Elba. Look, I usually hate black people taking white rolls. Jesus Christ! Fuck! Fuck!

Spider-man they'd spider do that rocky fuck that multiverse Sweet-ass bond I like I like a more seasoned Rocky is a white guy taking a black roll who's he's a boxer from Philly that should I thought the Wepner wasn't a Chuck Wepner story Rocky

What about the mermaid? The mermaid's white, dude. No, mermaids are from Syria. Fuck out of here with that. Really? Yeah, in the coast of Africa and Syria. They're not even white. In fact, very light-skinned Arabs. Okay, okay. Their call is different. Yeah, man. Did you see the clip?

Now, the lobsters and crabs, they're black as shit. They're Jamaican. That's the catfish. They're Jamaican. Under the sea. It's always going to be Little Mermaid, L-I-L, Little Mermaid. The flounders? Blacker than hell. I think it was on Fox.

Shut up, Joe. You wouldn't have dark skin if you were underwater. The sun reflects and goes through the water. Fuck you. That's embarrassing. He's like, listen, fine. We don't have to put too fine a... Although, honestly, anglerfish are definitely black. Your skin would be darker.

My thing is... The deep sea creatures are translucent. It was wild fucking. No, he brought up some good points. If Paul Mooney were alive... Uh-oh. Let me tell you something, Joe. If Paul Mooney were alive, he was like... Dude, it was better than Paul Mooney fucking with Anthony on...

You guys ever listen to that? No, I never heard that. Paul Mooney on opening Anthony. He fucks with Anthony so bad. Really? I remember the first time I listened to it, I didn't understand how funny Paul Mooney was. He's so goddamn funny. I was a white guy from Mechanicsburg. Just guys saying stuff I don't like. And then you get a little older and you realize he's literally just fucking with Kuvia. White folks don't want to hear the goddamn truth. They don't want to hear the goddamn truth. Oh my God.

A mermaid can be black. They want it to be a goddamn catfish. That's a great Paul Mooney. Was that a mermaid? That was a goddamn seal. You know it was. Goddamn seal. Dude, Paul Mooney was so fucking funny. So funny. With Paul Mooney, there's a lot of the racial stuff. Yeah, of course.

at white people so i i didn't understand it so i was not in on the joke but once you know once you realize he's being a dick all right he knows he's being funny yeah but the thing is with him and anthony like he knew what he was doing dude i remember he was like oh shut you gotta know where he came from these guys came from the 50s bro like these guys were from the 50s and the 60s when he was legitimately going i used to drink out of colored water fountains

Yeah, I got a problem with white people. People think it was like, yeah, dude, by the time we were around, him and Richard Pryor came from... Richard Pryor's from Peoria, Illinois, not that far from Chicago. Shithole. Yeah, he had to fucking drink out of... They had to go through the back door and shit like that. You ever see that roast of... Oh, Richard Pryor? It's fantastic. Richard Pryor talking with...

about being gay? He's like, Paul's a faggot. Really? Paul can suck some dicks, Jack. I just want to get ahead of it because Paul's a faggot. It's incredible. He goes, I'm going to say this before he comes up here. Yeah, he got it on him first.

It's wild. I remember I did a roast at the Friars Club when I was 21, and Paul Mooney was the roast master. What? And I bombed so hard. I was a kid. I was 21. I shouldn't have been there. But I fucking killed some things. Oh, you were Jewish, so you were there. You were Jewish? You were already in. I killed an audition to get in there, and they fucking... And then the actual roast, I bombed so fucking hard. Was it Omarosa? Yeah. Yeah. And Paul Mooney's intro for me. He goes, this next comic said he's a fan of Bill Hicks.

George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Sam Kinison. I knew all of them. All dead. All close friends of mine.

Sam Morrell, everybody. Jesus Christ. That's my intro. Wow. Did you wear the sailor hat? I did. Wow. And I went down with the ship hard. It was fucking ugly. But no, Mooney was cool. He was a cool dude. Even though I bombed my dick off, he was still very cool. He put you around some greats. That was fantastic. You were cool too, dude.

I remember the first time I met, this is a great story. I remember the first time I met Godfrey. I was in school. I was at Kutztown University. I was on the student activities board when I was there. And I booked...

A comedy show, and it was you as the headliner. We saw you at NACA. Oh, God, I remember that. National Association for Campus Activities. And you came through with Jason Endors. You came through with Jason Endors. You brought Jason Endors with you to open. Jason went out and bombed his ass off. Did pop locks and breakdance. And I was talking to Jason outside, and he goes...

I don't get it, man. The fucking break-in shit always fucking kills. In a black club. But you went up, you crushed, and then I was talking to you afterwards because one of your credits in your intro was, it might have been your only credit at the time, was he's the warm-up for the Cosby show. Yeah. You didn't know that?

Eight hours I have to do that shit on Thursdays. Sure. You got a good Bill Cosby. For the second Cosby. Do Bill Cosby. I know you got a good Bill Cosby. Hey, man, you know what you got to do. I know you got a nice Bill Cosby. You know what you're going to do for it. I was talking to you outside because I wanted to. I thought that was Bill Cosby. I was so enamored.

I was so enamored. Yeah. And I was like, because I wanted to do comedy and I hadn't figured it out yet. You still haven't. Yeah. I figured it out. Godfrey. I don't like this guy. Yeah, and you did. I hadn't figured it out. Godfrey. Godfrey. Now you've found your voice. Godfrey.

Can you do Cosby talking to young Joe DeRosa? No, listen, listen. I can do Cosby talking to me in his office. This is what I'm getting to. This is what I'm getting to. This is the story. No, I'm getting to what he's saying. This is the story. Okay, go. I said to you, what was it like? What is Bill Cosby like? And you said, you know what's funny?

People think he doesn't curse. Oh, he does. But he cursed. It was crazy. And then you started doing Cosby cursing, bitching on the set. So please do it. He would do this. First of all, other than all this fuck shit that's been going on, he was genius. He was genius. That motherfucker, when it came to sex. They knew what they were getting into, those girls. Yo. Yo.

My man. Please, please. He would be like, what are you doing? The motherfucker said, and he would do motherfucker. No, what the fuck are you doing? Like the fuck are you doing? But it didn't feel like a curse. What the fuck are you doing?

Wow. He would slur it like, what motherfucker? Listen, when I come and then you put in there, what the fuck? And then he would, you know, of course, when the cameras roll, he wasn't cursing. It was, it felt like it was the first time I'd ever talked to anybody that worked in actual show business and

when you were telling me that, I was like, this is it. I felt like I was my own private tabloid. When I lived in Queens, I lived in Queens. Yeah. It was, it was still Kaufman Astoria studio right next door to Sesame street. I live right by there. Didn't fucking know. I,

I remember I'm warming up the crowd. It's like two, three hundred people. So you're talking, you're showing everybody the different parts of the studio because I have to bring Dr. Cosby out. Bring Cosby out, Felicia Rashad, Madeline Kahn. The good doctor. And another guy. The pharmacist. Yeah, Sanjit Chowdhury was a famous Indian comedic actor. Dougie Doug. Dougie Doug. I brought him out. Yes. And...

And then I saw the lady, one of the ladies from Sesame Street, like hanging out in the top. And I look, I go, oh, shit, this lady from Sesame Street. Everyone's like, oh, my God, it's the lady from Sesame Street. I said, why are you over here? She goes, you know, we're right next door.

Holy shit, I didn't know. And then I see Gordon, the bald-haired black dude in the elevator. I go, oh, motherfucker. T. Elmo? Yes, I saw Kevin, whatever. And I went, and they took me on a tour. Almost teared the fuck up. It was unbelievable. Wow. And they're doing the puppets. And I was like, what? It fucks you up. I don't give a fuck who you are. You're going to be like, holy shit. It's Kermit the Frog. This is fucking crazy. Yeah, you just see Kermit laying on the ground. I was like, what the fuck?

Then you see some of them like the puppets. Yeah, yeah. And then you see Snuffleupagus, you know, on some rigs. Kids would be crying if they see him like floating out. That would be a big deal. We did the Nasty Show in Montreal.

Otto and George came down and watching Otto take the puppet apart. And it was disturbing. It was disturbing because he was like, he was sitting there with the puppet across the room. He's like, that crowd fucking sucked, man. Boo. Whips the head off. Puts it into a trunk. And it goes to a compartment, which makes it more upsetting. It's like, here's the head compartment. Oh.

I told you, Joe. You feel like you're in Vaudeville. It was wild. Joe's fucking ancient, bro. Yeah. Yo, because I remember, because I was there when Cosby's son was murdered. I was working at the time. Holy shit. I was roommates with Mike Epps, and I go, and Leslie Jones. You were roommates with Mike Epps? And Leslie Jones was sleeping on our couch. Wow. I didn't know her. Just big motherfucker in a couch. I was like, who the fuck is this? That's a huge guest. My next guest, wow, big. Shit.

Good stuff. That's a big guest. You're going to be a star. And I was like, yo. And when his son was murdered, I came to the studio. I said, oh, where's Doug Cosby? Oh, he had an emergency. Oh, OK. I didn't know this yet. Then I go back home and I turn on TV and it's his son, his car murder. This motherfucker came back a week later and did stand up.

He did stand-up about the funeral. Jeez. Killed, murdered. You know the thing about funerals. No doubt. Really? He talked about what should we put in the casket. It was fucking dope. And had people crying and laughing, crying and laughing. And he just tosses the mic to me, and I got to follow that shit. Oh, my God. How do you follow that? You just keep going, Dr. Cosby, everybody, and just keep going. You guys ever murder a guy's son? No.

Speaking of murders. Murdered? Murdered who? Speaking of murders, the Menendez brothers challenged me. I remember when Cosby challenged me one time because I would be on a roll. Sometimes I'd be killing, killing. Then one day they said, Dr. Cosby wants to come out and do a set. I was like, oh, really? Because he never comes out. They go, he wants to come out. So I was like, yeah. So he came out, destroyed the place.

Tossed the mic to me and said, follow that. Wow. I walked away. I said, I love this shit. I brought his punk ass out. He was that. I was only four years into comedy. Wow. I was fine. I was like, what am I going to do? I have to work. I have to keep going. I have to keep talking to the audience. But he told me to follow that shit. Because he was hearing me. He would hear me. I would be killing, dude. He'd be in the green room just like this guy. He's like. I bet you can't stay awake. Right.

I'm about to knock this kid the fuck out. And you could walk into his office and talk to him. He was cool as fuck like that. And I remember walking to his office. I said, hey, Dr. Carpenter. And he had his cigar, man. It was all Cosby. I remember explaining this to Pete Correale when it happened. The day it happened, I saw Pete after that. And he just had his cigar. He was like, hey, how you doing? And I said, yeah, I just, you know, some advice. I don't know what the fuck. I said, your advice, I've been doing it for you. He said, and I remember.

He goes, writing. You've been doing it four years at that point? Four years. He goes, writing. You got to write, son. You got to write. You got to put it on the paper. I remember this shit. You got to write, man. He goes, you know, Sinbad, he knocks it out the park. Sinbad. He loves Sinbad. Sinbad's fucking funny. The baddest mom. Really? Sinbad doesn't get the respect he deserves. I like Sinbad. Sinbad's a black dang cook.

No, no. I'm saying as far as disrespect goes, that a guy that does kill. I love Sinbad. There's a guy that murders. I love Sinbad. By the way, Dane Cook, his presence was incredible. I loved his half-hour. Dane Cook's first half-hour. Dane Cook wants to come on here. Dane Cook's coming. Dane Cook wants to come on this live. I would love to have Dane Cook. When he hit the camera, I thought it was dope when he came into the camera. When he goes to aliens, when he goes to the aliens,

There was a wet and shit, and he dumps the whole fucking bottle of water in his head, and he starts doing the fucking alien. I was like... I loved it. This fucking guy is so fucking... And then he had a tank top on. He said, fuck a suit. Fuck it. He had a tank top on. Then he jumps in the camera. What's the movie with Arnold and Sinbad? It's amazing. Turbo Man. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah.

Yes, that was wonderful. Jingle All the Way. Jingle All the Way, classic. Great movie. Arnold and Sinbad. The Dane joke in the half hour when he goes, when you were talking, he goes, waiting in line at a DMV. Yeah. He goes, you're all just waiting there and he's doing like,

all the shit you do anyway. And he goes, but we're all thinking the same thing. Go! Are you telling somebody else's funny story again? Why is that joke so funny? Do you want a slap, dude? Do you need a slap? Do you need a slap? Oh, boy!

First time I saw DeRosa. Uh-oh. I got it. What are we talking, OTB? Yeah, first time DeRosa, yeah. Jenny Craig. No, first time I saw DeRosa. That's all I could get one. Take it easy, dude. I don't want to say one mean thing in podcast. You want to criticize bodies? Gotham Comedy Club. It was a benefit.

And it was a terrible show. I was in the audience. This is like the first comedy show I've seen. Maybe it was a terrible show. Joe was doing great. No, but he was killing it. I found it very funny. Hold on, dude. I think there's a comic. I think there's a comic.

compliment coming. It is a compliment. You were bombing, but you didn't deserve to bomb. You weren't doing well, and you were talking about your ex-girlfriend. You said, I already feel bad about the breakup. Now I gotta feel bad about the breakup jokes. And I was like, that's just such a funny line. DeRosa's a damn genius. DeRosa, we love DeRosa. You were constructing a joke, bro, and he saw that. It had scaffolding over it. We gotta get you to do comedy again. We'd love to have you. I'm still doing it! You're not. You know what you reminded me of?

When you said, yo, just calm down, there's a fucking video of Richard Pryor shitting on Milton Berle.

He's going like this, man, shut your ass up. Goddamn, this motherfucker here, shit. Oh my God. That was a great Milton Berle. Pick your spots, baby. Pick your spots. He's fucking getting pissed. Really? Pick your spots, man. That Pryor was fucking next level. Dude, when Pryor was, did you see the Pryor when he's in drugs outside? Yes, yes. What do you think about Charlie Chapman? That motherfucker didn't say shit.

Fuck him. Shit. Goddamn. That's the one where they go, what's it like working with Gene Wilder? And he's like, you're just like, hold dude. I'm not going to say it. What's it like with Gene Wilder? What's he say? He says Gene Wilder is an F. That motherfucker's a fat ass.

Give us some impressions you can do that we haven't heard. Because I know you can do everybody. I can't do everybody. You can do a lot. No. He doesn't mean Paul Mercurio, but no one knows who that is. Hey, what about the black guy? Paul?

Paul is an 80s bully. By the way, that's a very good joke. If you fuck with my girlfriend again, you'll be wearing your nose on the back of your head. Just get out of here. Dragons, move. Hey, hold on. That's my entire act. You're just not a white guy. Hey, hold on a second. That's exactly what I did. That's not a white guy. That's an 80s white guy. Give us another that we haven't heard. Because you do so many good impressions. You got a good Trump. Your Trump's good. Oh, fuck. Can we do a Trump off? No, we're not doing a Trump off. Trump off. Trump off. Trump off.

I do it. I've never heard yours. Very good. Very good. It's very good. There's a lot of guys doing... A lot of people doing me. You're a very good impersonator. He's nice at it. Not bad. Joe DeRosa, what a pig. Disgusting pig. I would love to put the country on your shoulders, but Joe, it might slide off. Oh.

I'm a very good comedian. I could be a comedian. A lot of guys say Joe's built like a worm. I don't say that. But Joe is built like a worm. He looks like the Men in Black aliens grew up.

Mike Turner. Mike Turner. Very good. Very good. That was incredible. We did it. That's the only impressions I have. We can still do something visually. It would be nice to do a white and black Trump. It would be fire. It would be great. It would be nice to just two dudes that watched Trump enough that they adopted it and then our lives, like just us going to a store. Yeah. I'd like...

Mint skull. Do you have mint skull? I would like detergent. Tight is the best. I need the pods. I don't play with time. We could do paint on the street type shit. That's Joe. Why did I? I'm blacking all the guy's name. Uh, he's on, uh, fuck. He's on Twitter. Uh,

J.O. Colvin? J.O. Colvin? Yes. J.O. Colvin does a nice Trump. Bob De Bono. He's a funny guy. J.O. does some great impressions. Bob De Bono's is nasty. Oh, his is good, too. Bob De Bono? Excellent. I'm not sure who that one is. Bob De Bono. The guy on SNL is good. The video where he responds to Jamie Foxx doing the Donald Trump impression, and he responds to that, and he goes, he was in a show called In Living Colored.

I know you can't say that anymore. And he goes, the white guy was the funniest. I know we can't say that. That's awesome. Because I know Jamie started doing that and everyone sent me a thing. Yo, Jamie Foxx doing Trump. I go, I don't give a fuck. Are you buddies with Jamie Foxx? Not at all. But do you know him at all? I know Jamie. I opened up for Jamie in Indianapolis. What do you mean not at all? I mean, I just don't hang with him like that. I know him, but I know I'm not his best friend. But you're friendly. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, he's... Good for you. I'm quick to be like, yeah, me and him are best friends. I've talked to him twice. The last time I... No, not Jamie. The last time I saw... Anybody I talk to twice, I'm like, yeah, we're good friends. The last time I saw Jamie was on the set of Law-Abiding Citizen because I'm good friends with Gerard Butler. So Butler called me. In Philly, they shot it in Philly. Yeah, Law-Abiding Citizen. And Gerard's like, yo, come down, man, hang out, blah, blah, blah. So I came down and I saw Jamie on the set and that was about it. I didn't even...

Art is cool shit, right? Unbelievable. He's the nicest dude in the world. How did you not get any given Sunday? You have some football background. I mean, I wasn't really doing shit. Do you do a denso?

Uh-oh. I saw the twinkle in the eye. Denzel is my favorite impression of all time. There's a guy named C. King. Is that the guy who was doing it on? He's dreads. He's un-fucking-believable. His Denzel, it's like you close your eyes, you go, motherfucker. But that's his best one. Everything else, he tries to do Steve Harvey, but he's trying to copy mine, which I get. You have Steve Harvey. Steve always goes, I'm going to whoop your ass, boy. Yeah.

Dude, you know what was a rough one for me? I do Nate Diaz. He got me. Who's Nate Diaz? He's a UFC fighter. You guys are buddies though, right? Yeah, but we went out to dinner. We've talked twice. We're best friends. We went out to dinner and he was like, I don't sound like that. For real, genuinely, I was like, yeah, you're right. Meanwhile, people are like, dude, that's... I had Shannon Sharpe. I was on a podcast with Shannon Sharpe.

Because Skip, let's Skip. I'm going to tell you right now, Skip. I've been in the NFL for a long time, Skip. And my grandmother always said, if you a frog, you better jump, Skip. But I do it. And he was on the podcast with me.

And the dude was like, yo, God, you do a fucking shit. I was like, God damn it. And then Skip was like, you know, I used to get mad at the time when people used to imitate me. But now I see once you at a certain level that people, that means you're famous now. That means. That fucker, that fucker warms up with 250. So you see that shit? But you had to do him in front of him.

I did him on a podcast, like on an audio thing. And he was cool to you? He was cool as fuck. Dude, getting drunk and having a Godfrey coming up to me like, no, no, no. You're like, you do a Denzel. I'm like, what is this? David Frost legs. Turn it on me. I'm complimenting you. You do a Denzel, don't you? You do look like a dead frog spread out.

You look like about to be dissected frog. You know who started Denzel? It was Dean Edwards. I know, Dean. Who was first doing Denzel because I had no, I never thought about doing Denzel. Then I saw Dean do it. I go, oh, wow. He found nuances of Denzel going, yeah, all right, all right. You know that whole shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like, fuck. So I came on my own. But it was more like a subtle Denzel. I was like, all right, so what are we going to do, huh? Yeah.

Is that what you're doing? Everybody in here. Huh? So that's where I got mine from Dean. Dean was the one that set it off. Who's the guy on Comic View that did it as his set? Comic View?

There was a dude that did it as his set. Black guy, right? There was a... No, it was Big Jay Oakerson. Rich Voss. Voss, Jason Andors. Who's the dude who did Poppy on... Poppy? On BET.

Poppy. He's like, Poppy's never going to tell on you. Poppy will be like, no, no, that's none of my business. Who's that? Now, obviously, that's not how it went. What the fuck is going on? I thought you guys would know. I thought you guys were students of the game. I didn't know you were making sandwiches and gave up. Oh.

Yo, how's your bar? I think it was so hard, dude. You went hard, dude. I think it was so hard, dog. I'll be honest. I did eject and I tried to put it on you. Yo, is bar in Canada? I apologize. You closed your bar? No, it was great. The bar's open. I thought he shut down after you said you made sandwiches and gave up. No, no.

No, I was just being mean because my story sucked. So I tried to blame it on him. My favorite Denzel is the Equalizer 2 when he's at the kitchen table with the guy that plays Mandalorian. Oh.

And the phone rings and he goes, tell me it's not true. Tell me it's not true. He knows he caught the guy that he killed. That was a good man. Equalizer is amazing. So give a... No. Please. Please give a second. I don't remember that scene. Get out of here. Hey, knock it off, dude. I don't like your building scenarios. Ah!

No, I'm saying do it. Let's say. I literally made sure Godfrey was the last guest because I knew he would energize us and come with the fucking heat. You guys are ready to go. Oh, no, dude. I knew we'd be fucked up. I was trying to book guests and I was like, Godfrey's going to come with fucking heat. Because I'm undrunk. I get it. You're undrunk and...

You're at the fuck, you're last in the cellar all the time. I knew you'd tell me it would be fucking pure. I'm last in the cellar because I got shit to do during the day. What are you doing during the day? I do. There's auditions all the time. They always got me tap dancing for that. You know, I got to be like, I told you. Fuck that.

So you'll dance for that, but you won't give me a little dance out right now. You motherfucker, we're friends. I just gave you something. I just wanted a little subtle dance out. Because I remember everybody was doing Christopher Walken. Yeah, that was big. Like Jay Moore was doing it. A lot of people were doing it. I said, can I do Christopher Walken?

I don't know. Then I was, and I watch, everybody has this, you know, a man, everyone's doing that shit. Then I was listening to Chris Walker. Okay, he's from New York City. So I was just very like subtle, like, you know, comedy, very difficult. You know, I've always wanted to do standup, but I'm scared. Yeah, so I got it. I had to, I had to,

How about Nicholson? Can you do Jack? Who? Nicholson? Nah, I don't do Jack. Who else can you do? Man, Jack was like such a mainstay of every hack. Everybody's... Yeah, they would always be like, hey, hold on. Hey, folks. Turn around, put on glasses. I'm Jack Nicholson. Yeah, they would always do the... They would always turn around and go... You know what? It might be hack. By the way, the whole crowd would be like, holy shit, that's him. Right, right.

I can't believe Jack's here in Harrisburg at the Conner's. It never didn't put a smile on my face. I love movies, so like a Nicholson hack impression, I was like, yeah, why not? Yeah, it's wonderful. It's fun. I remember a great joke about that where he goes, I am one of the ten men in America that does not do a Jack Nicholson. Actually, that sounded like Jack Nicholson. I remember...

Byron Allen with, you know, Comics Unleashed. You ever watch... He's in a big lawsuit right now. He won. He won? He won against McDonald's. He won. Hell yeah. He fucking won. By the way, this is basically Byron Allen. We're like, all right, so you know... No, wait, wait, wait. No, this is what I'm going to tell you. So my first...

Comics Unleashed 2006 was with Dennis Miller. And they were like, he goes, Byron goes, yo, Godfrey, I got Dennis Miller. I was like, okay, cool. I love Dennis Miller. His Off-White album is my favorite album. So I was like, cool. He goes, and people are like, yeah, be careful. He's like a right wing. I don't give a fuck. He's a comic, man. Who gives a shit?

He was the nicest man. He loves comics. He loves comedians. So we're sitting next to each other. We're laughing. Everybody's having fun. And he goes, hey, Byron, you want to make this a little more carny? Huh? Hey, I heard you like dogs.

Go. He was fucking with him because they know each other, but it was fucking hilarious. Then he's like, we're talking. Then he gives me his number. He said, anytime you need some advice, blah, blah, blah. So I leave a message for him. I say, hey, Mr. Miller, thanks for being cool. So I used to have, you know how I used to put like sounds on a voicemail? You know how you put shit? Yo, I'm not here right now. Leave a message. You know, shit like that. Oh, yeah. Definitely, I did that. He left a message. It was around Christmas. He goes,

Hey, Cha-Cha. I guess that was Bruce Lee. Nice. Merry Christmas, Dennis Miller. Bam.

Coolest shit ever. I kept it for years. I met him once. I did a show. He took over Larry King's old weird interview show, and it was me. And I was kind of so starstruck that I was just off. I sucked. Really? Because he was just so nice. Yeah, he is. Yeah. Okay, babe. That was weird. That was weird. Watch out. That's a wet candle. That was weird. That hurt. You got a deep tissue on that. That hurt, dude. That hurt? Give me some dead jelly, motherfucker.

I don't see why you won't do it. You're doing wingnut, left-wing fucking Dennis Miller impressions right now. They're not even in your repertoire. You won't give me a little fucking... Easy, Joe. You're going to pop an artery. You look like you're in the middle of your act. You won't give me any of that, too. I just gave it to you. I've never seen this worked out. Give me some more. I don't want more. Like you. You're pulling shit on me. You know what I tried at Christopher Walken once? I did it. I did it.

I gave you a piece and it's all a wrap. Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. You're my damn nurse. I'm tired of you, Joe. I'm tired of your passion, Joe. Your dumb passion. I'm tired of your talk show legs. Joe, stop it with your talk show legs.

Jim Norton would be like, oh, I hate you. Yes. You're the worst. Clicking your legs. Funny thing Gene Robinson ever said to me. I woke up to a voicemail from Gene Robinson once 10 years ago. I just, I see it on my phone. I listen to it 10 a.m. He goes, ah,

I'm just sitting here thinking about your dumb face. I'm going to drive up to Harlem and knock your fucking teeth out. We always do that. We'll send messages to each other. Knock your teeth out. We'll send messages to each other. We just go, hey, Joe, yuck. No.

You call me, you call me. I was on a road trip. I was driving my car back from – I bought a Bronco in L.A. and I was driving it across country back to New York. Beautiful car, by the way. Old school Broncos? The new Bronco. The new one, but it looks old school. But I bought it and I was driving it back from L.A. to New York and I was driving through – I dipped all through it. I was driving through Nashville and you called me when I was in Nashville.

And you go, hey, stupid, where are you? I'll tell you what, I'm walking out of a nice racist cracker barrel. It makes me feel good in my heart right now. I should tell them what you really are.

Keith Robinson. He's one of those Egyptians. We were laughing so hard. You and Dante called me. I was walking out. Yeah, it was awesome. I was literally walking out of a Cracker Barrel. Two of the most militant brothers are like, where you at, bro? Cracker Barrel. Walking right out of a Cracker Barrel. Not bad. If you're on the road, they're not bad. I gotta tell you. Oh, no, I would go there. My mother would take me to all that shit. Chicken fried steak is solid.

I heard the breakfast is fantastic. It's very good. I haven't had it in so long. It's been so long, too. I went in for breakfast, and I got potatoes with the sausage gravy, and I got fried chicken as well. Oh, hey, that's not. Hey, you got fried chicken? It was good.

It was very good. I just saved it. Vitor and I, Vitor is such a food snob. I forgot you were here. I know. I'm back. Shut up. Vitor will always, dude, we were in, where were we? Buffalo, and Vitor, we got a fucking takeout oysters. Oh,

The dumbest decision of our lives. You want to sit down and eat that? We ordered the food, and then they didn't have the app that we wanted, and then the waitress took it upon herself at the club. It was like, oh, they should like oysters. So I look at it, I'm like, oh, we can't eat this shit. It's not even on ice. And Vitor goes, shut up, we're fine. So Vitor eats them, and I'm that idiot where I'm like, yeah, I'll fuck it, I'll eat it. So I did too. Vitor gets off stage, he goes, I can't stop burping. I was fucking up my entire set. It was brutal.

I was burping and everything. That's disgusting. Take out oysters, bro. Oh, dude. We had, yeah, from fucking Buffalo. Were you slurping it out of the shell, bro? We were slurping it out of the shell. That's disgusting. I figured they wouldn't know. No home. Go box?

And it's a go box. I figured they wouldn't allow it if it was going to be bad. Not that. If you didn't eat it, I never would. It should be on the ice, man, and you sit down and eat that shit. Yeah, we realized that. The fact that we only had vicious diarrhea. Put it in a plastic bag. We got so lucky. Yeah. I didn't feel well for that. I didn't feel fucking oysters. They were terrible. Yeah, it did not feel good. On the road trying to eat oysters. That's wild. No, never again. We got lucky that we only had diarrhea out of that shit. Did diarrhea hit you on stage?

Next day from now. Yeah, it was next day. Diarrhea never hits on stage. Stage hell. Whatever reason your shit shuts down. You ever have that? It's like your body knows. But five seconds before you're cold, you might shit your pants. Then you have to shit. Everyone takes like a dump before. It's the worst dump of all time. It's amazing. You don't even have to eat anything. You just go bong. Then you're ready to fucking go. Take ten tiny dick pisses.

Yeah. I hate those little dick pisses. Little dick piss. Disgusting diarrhea. Spit something out. You can fart on stage in between. You can never fart. I can fart a little bit. I've walked a little bit on stage. You can fart on stage. That's why you're a psycho, dude. I shit straight. Michael farted in the mic. Yeah, I love farting. Wait, you farted in the mic? Yeah. Wow. Me and my friends have always talked about this. Are you farting in the mic? Holy shit. It's almost impossible. Yeah.

What? I've done it on Rogan with you. No, but I mean like on stage. You did it in front of people? You just said, Oh, no, but I'm farting up there while talking about Jews. That's crazy. You're like a girl.

Quietly farting? Did you practice? Did you practice all the practice? I mean, I'm just saying, it might not be practice. Yeah, we took jump shots. Let's give Mark a shot of whiskey. Three shots of whiskey. One shot of whiskey from Mark. Four. You guys are worn out. You guys are...

Really

I am wasted right now. Are you not? I'm pretty good. I'm going to bust. What day is that? Saturday or something? I love you, Joe. So I can still do the road. Maybe. Yo, you know, I'm going to look. Fuck. He's getting married. That's why I got married in New York, just so I could freaking. Yeah, that was a great wedding. People wouldn't have to fly. So that was considerate. Yeah, man. I did half a glass. What's it called? The cinnamon one? The fireball? Fireball.

I've done that. Can you get Godfrey one too? Godfrey's going to do a shot. Whoa! Shut up! I've never seen you shoot this. Godfrey. I just saw you warming up. Godfrey, will you do some type of funny impression while you do the shot? As we toast to Norman, will you do some sort of... Why don't you do Christopher Walken? No, I didn't want Christopher Walken. I wanted Denzel. Can you do Trump? No, I didn't say that. We've got a lot of gay guys here.

Hold on, my shot's too small. My shot's too small. That was for your own good. Okay. We've got a lot of straight guys, too. Pretty straight of them. Pretty straight. Pretty straight. What do you got? Cosby for Normand?

I could do Norm Macdonald. Oh! Norm Macdonald. I did a show with Norm. I did a feature. Really? Norm Macdonald toasting Norm. Norm, you'd either catch shaved Norm drunk or bearded Norm sober or bearded Norm drunk. I would catch him and he goes, hey, God, man, man, I saw you up there, man. You're talented, man. You know? He's like, you're really funny. He's like, you ever do SNL? You ever do SNL? I go, no. He goes, fuck him. Ah!

He goes, they hate me. NBC hates me, man. Yeah. He called me and hit me with that. He was like, really? Yeah, I thought, you know. He was like, comedy, I thought. There's not a lot of guys in comedy anymore. You know what he means. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what he means. Exactly. For real, I thought it was crazy. Pussified. Yeah. It's been pussified. Sean, uh.

Puppy Cones. Sean O'Connor was opening for him and I was in Atlanta and I was going to interview Sean O'Connor. It's Bodega Cat. You got that right. It's the hit new whiskey. It's Bodega Cat? It's their whiskey. It's called, it's your whiskey? Yeah, we're selling it. You have a whiskey? We have a whiskey. Look at that. He didn't even know it was theirs. He said that wasn't so bad. Yeah. Meanwhile, fucking Rogan. Oh,

I love that. He didn't do us any favors. He wins. There's always a cat in a bodega. It's a good whiskey. I don't care what Joe says. We love Joe. He's wrong on this one. Incredibly. Yeah, it was great. He's like, it's not Buffalo Trace. He's like, all right, well, it's Mark, so shut up. Hey, it'd be nice. Oh, there we go.

i'm not saying that to like tell the story i'm saying like ah all right nobody wanted to hear this joe on camera

Yeah, we want to hear your story. I don't want him to be. We're not using this camera, right? I don't want my sloth. Hey, we want to hear your story. You know what I like about Joe DeRosa? Joe, yeah, very funny. He's got the best stories. Every time I see Joe DeRosa, I'm like, oh. We love DeRosa. It's going to be a great story. Yeah.

You're the best. You're one of my favorite dudes, Roros. Everybody thinks you're the best. Everybody loves you, JoJo. Everybody loves you. Wow. This is pure drunk love at this point. Everybody loves you. Pure drunk love. I'd say Mark probably has the most friends out of anybody here. Mark has a lot of friends. Yeah, which is weird because he doesn't like anyone. Exactly. Yeah.

He does, buddy. But he has a lot of friends. Everybody's fun to remark. I watch a lot of their videos. Really? Oh, I'm always watching. I watch yours. Do you have a lot of clips? I don't. You watch my videos? I watch your clips when you're in the suit. No, you don't. I watch you going live sometimes. I'm like, I hope he doesn't see this. I hope he doesn't see me. I love your videos. I think you're funny. I hope he doesn't see me when they're done.

All I do is just try to go with the flow. I get on live. I just try to do it. You know, if you're not on a hit show and you're not selling out within weeks, you got to do this shit. Yeah, right. You know, I'm one of those guys that everybody's on fucking podcasts going, what the fuck? How is Godfrey not? What the fuck's going on? Yeah.

So I got to use. You should be doing more podcasts. Jesus Christ, you came in here. Everybody was like, go, go, go. You go. And you speak movies. Shut up. That's what I was like before you got here. We were sitting here. We were going, Gary. But then you know what? You know what's fucked up, though? You know what's fucked up? You know people in positions, they don't bring you in. They just don't do it. And I know a lot of people in, and they just kind of, nah. Nah.

You know what I mean? It's like I can do a lot of voices. And my buddy from high school, my fucking high school teammate, created Dexter's Laboratory. What? Yeah, Gendy Tarzowski. That's my buddy from 16. I know him since we were teammates, high school. He did, he's Transylvania. He's Powerpuff Girls. He's Samurai Jack. Wow.

He's doing Popeye. He was doing Popeye. I don't know if it's happening. But yeah, that's my high school buddy. I've never done a voiceover for him, though. I don't ask, but I just never did a voiceover. DeRosa's never asked me to come down and make a fucking sandwich. Yeah, you're like stingy. You want to talk shit, dude? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you talking shit now, dude? Vitor's actually voicing Bubbles on Powerpuff Girls this year. Pretty awkward. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah.

I'd love it. Hey, shut up over there, dude. Yeah, Samurai Jack and Clone Wars. He did all that shit. He does so much. He's an animator. He's like, I mean, I remember when he was... Dude, let's get on Clone Wars. Let's get on Clone Wars. Get this guy on... Get this guy to get us on Clone Wars. Dude, let's get on Clone Wars.

Where's paper going? Why you fucking with me, fatty dude? Oh, shit. For real, why you called me fat? Your fucking gigantic, beautiful jugs jingled. You've been here like six hours now? Yeah, yeah. Shit. We had a headburn. We've had everybody. Yeah, he was here. Me and Mitch Hedberg did new faces in Montreal. Me and him were the last two guys.

It's this horrible showcase at the Comedy Nest in Montreal. And it's just me and everybody's bomb. It's fucking horrible. And I'm the last. I'm just coming from Chicago. And Hedberg is like, hey, how you doing, man? What's your name? I said, ah.

Godfrey, like, oh, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch Hedberg. I said, oh, cool. He's like, I'm going after you. I said, I'm going after you. I said, oh, cool. So everybody's bombing. I go up. I'm used to killing and shit with my goofy shit. I did okay. I did decent. Didn't do what I wanted to do. I was like, ugh, that motherfucker. Meh.

Because no one had ever seen that style before. He was just down there like this. He was different. He never looked up. He just was like, yeah. So I just want to say it was just like, what the fuck? That's how I knew Mitch. I knew Mitch since 98. Wow. And that's why he always showed me love. He's like, God, man, what's up, man? Hey, man. And then when I saw him when he was limping, when he was doing the heroin shit, I saw him at CVS in LA. So not too long before he passed away, I saw him limping.

Yeah, it's weird. Where's he from? Minneapolis. Minneapolis? Yeah. So when I started, I knew this dude in Florida that was like, he claimed he was a manager of his. And he was like, when I talked to him, I was like, man, you got to stop doing these drugs. He was like.

You think the Beatles came up with Sgt. Pepper Sober? I was like, alright, good comeback. Keep going. I think it was more than just drugs. That was me quoting somebody else that was funnier than me. That's all your stories, you bitch ass. I feel like Michael Jordan might have pulled it off. You're lucky I don't titty fuck you, dude. I might titty fuck you, dude. Really? When I started in Chicago...

It was me, Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac had an open book. This guy used to do comedy for MJ. Yeah. For Michael Jordan? It was when I was just like my first two years in comedy. It was me, Dion Cole, D-Ray Davis, Corey Holcomb. It was all the Chicago guys. And, you know, Common would be there. I knew Kanye for a long time. And a lot of, it's all Chicago people. White Lives Matter. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Do you still talk to him? I don't know what you guys are. Last time I saw him was a few years ago. I remember he got his jaw shut, his thing thing, and then they brought his video to my house in Harlem before they released it. Have you seen the documentary? Isn't D-Ray in the video? He's from Chicago. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was great. Cootie's a filmmaker. I'm sorry to cut. Isn't D-Ray the one in the video? Like, without an arm, I spit. Right. Through the wire? Yeah. They brought that to my place before they released it. They said, yo, you got to check out this video we're about to release. I said, well, bring it. I was on a one-teeth and Lennox. They brought it. I said, oh, that's going to be dope. It's so Chicago, blah, blah, blah. And then we used to do open mics. Bernie Mac had a variety show.

At the Cotton Club on Southside. So we would go there. Bernie Top Five. We would go there and, you know, Bernie Top Five. Yeah, and then Michael would come because the Bulls were winning at the time. So it would be Michael, Scottie Pippen, who was a dick the whole time. See, before Larsa Pippen was dating Michael's son. Scottie's ex-wife is banging Michael Jordan's son. That's crazy. That does suck for Scottie. Jordan was...

Jordan was always cool. Right now. Jordan was cool. I met him a few times. And they're not on good terms. It does suck for Scotty. Yeah. That was right in the middle of that. Scotty was nasty. Scotty and Bernie were like that. And when they won their second championship, they were going, who you with? Because Bernie would say, hey,

motherfucker who you with and so Jordan would go who you with it was like it was amazing you know who the best NBA players are

Larry Bird. No. Pistol Pete. Pistol Pete. Maravich. Pistol Pete. Louisiana. Oh, was he from Louisiana? Oh, yeah. Louisiana, baby. Oh, wow. Look at that, dude. I think Bob Cousy. Fuck that. How about that underhand? White people invented the no-look pass. Yeah.

No, dude, I will say. Now the slam dunk? The slam dunk? I'll be honest. That was you guys. Of course. The no-look pass was when they were like, I don't want to look at the black guy. Let me just give it to him. That was in the 50s. It was actually a racial thing. They didn't want to look at the black guy. So he just threw it without looking from his peripheral. That's almost like, okay, you please. You do detail. Shut up!

Dude Denzel talking about the Nova Pass. God damn it. I did it already. He did Denzel. Shut up. God damn it, Godfrey. Dude Denzel.

I love his Joe DeRosa fucking Robinson. Joe DeRobinson. You're Joe DeRobinson. He's like, dude, they drive me. He's Joe DeRobinson. I fucking love it, dude. Yo, you're Joe DeRobinson. I'm so glad you didn't bail. I was so pumped Shane was coming. I was worried he was going to bail. Joe DeRobinson goes like this. Dude, they drive me.

You know who the best black player of all time? Tim Duncan, dude. Fundamentals. He passed. Tim Jackson. He played all the sports. I would say Dennis... What is it? Dennis Rodman. No, no. Dennis fucking... The other guy from the Boston Celtics. Dennis Johnson? Dennis Johnson. You talk about basic, just never fancy. Fuck it. What's his name from the Pistons?

Dumas? Isaiah Thomas. The white dude from the pistol. Bill Lambert. That's you, man. Shout out to him. You should do a Bill Lambert. You should do a Bill Lambert. You just elbowed, motherfucker. I had Lambert like the White Hammer. They were like, all right, shoot.

Dude, I had... He's white-charging. I used to have a sports show on the Knicks Network, and Lambert was a guest, and we had some shit... Phil Lambert is a goat. We had such a shit budget that Vito was on that episode. That's how shit the budget was. Wasn't it cool? Our budget was so bad that we couldn't get a second guest, so we literally switched people out while Lambert was on the panel, and Lambert turned to me after the episode and goes, did you trick me into doing two episodes? And I said, I'm sorry. And he goes...

Respect. He respected that I fucking condom. How big is this guy? He's a unit, by the way. And he can shoot it. I got to get a Bill Ambeer Notre Dame jersey. He went to Notre Dame. Did he go to Dame? Monster. He was such a nice guy. White guy, seven foot? He was a mountain. Obviously, he was good at basketball. He played great. He could shoot at three, too. They were like, these are the bad boys of the NBA. Literally, all he did was foul the shit out of us. I love the documentary. That doc is fire. That was awesome. The Pistons.

They made Jordan better, actually. The bad boy pistons with Mahorn and Isaiah Thomas. Dumas and Isaiah Thomas. No, no, wait a minute. It's John Sally, who was a good friend of mine. John Sally. Biggest penis, Lisa Ann said. John Sally. The porn star? Yeah. She said he had the biggest dick she's ever seen. Well, he matches his height. Yeah. Fun fact. John Sally. He's a yoga guy. Dennis Rodman? Ah.

Rodman was the chef. I've seen Rodman at some parties. Microwave Vinnie Johnson. Microwave with the threes. Nasty.

All right, let's go back to Bill Embiir and how great he was. Basketball is a shit, dude. I think Robin is trying to get Griner out of jail. You guys switched. He's trying because for some reason he went to North Korea. Jews love to be baseball. Today's our day. Sandy Koufax. Today's our day. Yeltsin Koufax. Nolan Ryan beat it. Nolan Ryan.

Nolan Ryan. Did you see Nolan Ryan? Did you see the documentary Phenomenal? Fucking badass. The Nolan Ryan doc on Netflix is, I love him. What a good guy. Same girl, same wife. Just a regular dude with a fucking heater. And then Bo Jackson charged the mound and he said, I'll never be, sorry. Not Bo Jackson.

Who was it? No, it was Robert Ventura. Robin Ventura. Yeah. Charged him out in the cannonball. He hesitated. Bo Jackson charged that man. Nolan Ryan's dead. He's dead. I'm sorry to say. Somebody charged him out and he goes, that was a mistake. I'll never be the non-aggressor. Bo Jackson hit a home run. That.

Off of Nolan Ryan. Smack that shit up. And Nolan Ryan beat the shit out of him. He probably gunned it in his head the next time. Yeah, Bo Jackson broke bats on his leg and his head. Bo Jackson's still the biggest freak in sport. Remember when he ran up the wall? Hey, there you are, Gary. Yes, yes. He ran up the wall. He ran up the fucking wall, dude. I know, right?

I realized that could be perceived as bad. What did you say? Bo Jackson was the biggest freak in sports. Oh, don't be racist. I know. That's fucked up, dude. He's one of my favorites. But Deion Sanders was kind of a freak, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Playing baseball and football. Have you seen Deion lately with Jackson State? No. Yeah. It's pretty fun. He's like, I'm going to tell y'all right now. I love him. Hey. I can do that. Yo. I'm going to tell y'all right now. We got to win. You got to have that attitude. Yeah.

Don't disappoint your mama or your dad. Or me. He's like very like... Prime time. I'm Deion Sanders. You guys are lucky to be here. People thought I was Deion Sanders. They thought I looked like him. People used to come up and say, Yo, Deion Sanders? I'm like, come on, man. Nah, that's pretty good. What the fuck am I doing here with you? I apologize for that. That's actually pretty nice. You get Deion. No, I love that. Deion's the... His son's the quarterback of the team, too. Whoa! Yeah. Deion Sanders is the quarterback? For Jackson State, right? Does he have the speed of his father?

I don't know, but his son's a quarterback, freshman quarterback, and he starts. But Deion got his toes, like two toes amputated. Oh, is he a diabetic? Why? I don't know. You know what was nice? Watching that You documentary where they were like, everybody that went to Florida State was a fucking preppy, pussy,

All the you guys were like, fuck Deion Sanders, that fucking sellout. And Deion was just like gold chains, like, fuck those pussies. He hung out with MC Hammer. Deion rules. Deion does the shit. Deion's the shit. Deion was fantastic. Ran a 4-1. Get the fuck out of here. He was fast as shit.

I remember people didn't believe it. They didn't believe he ran a 4-1-40. Then he goes, I'm going to do this shit one more time. I'm doing a podcast with Julian Edelman right now. Damn, 4-1. I hated his perfect routes. Oh, he rules. Hey, that's just good white route running. It's like Steve Largent. He's Jewish. He's the coolest guy you'll ever meet. And on top of it, it's hilarious the amount of respect he gets versus what the guests look at me as. Literally, Kurt Warner looked at me like...

You disgust me. You should have told him his movie was stoned. Really, Kurt Warner? Did you? I knew he would not like me, so I doubled down and kept making Jackoff jokes. And every cut to him is just like, he didn't like you. Why didn't he like you?

Isn't Kurt Warner worked in a grocery store? Yeah, he did. Yeah, but he's also religious and he's a good person. Yeah, they made like a Christian movie recently. Ay-yi-yi. Yeah. But Julian's the fucking man. He's cool. He's the greatest show on turf. Yeah, he's a Jew. But Julian's the fucking man. He's a great dude. Turns out Tori Holt was blessed with white God.

Isaac Bruce. Isaac Bruce. Turns out Isaac the Bruce. Ricky Prohl. He's a wide receiver. Marshall Falk was blessed. Marshall Falk was the nastiest running back I ever watched. Really? I mean, just live, that dude was on another level. He just burned dudes. I like Peter Falk. Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders, too, for sure. All right, who do you think the best, top five whites? Go ahead. What, football? Hitler. Anything? No, no, sports. Oh.

What happened? Top five whites. Larry Bird. Top five whites? I go. Wait, in what? In what? Gretzky? In everything. Gretzky? He's up there. You had Gretzky, Babe Ruth. You had Bjorn Borg. Not greatest, but I'm saying. Novak. Novak's up there. Jake LaMotta. Wait, what are you talking about? American whites. In what? Oh.

Just like you got to pick Randy Johnson. No, you just pick a sport first. Yeah, but you got to pick a white that like stays a honky. Jack Lambert? Jack Lambert? That's white as fuck. Bradshaw? Bruce Jenner was pretty good. How about Joe Namath? He's even better now. Joe Namath is a little flashy. I'm talking like Brett Favre whites. Ah.

Taking people's money from the poor and Fred Favre is in some deep shit. He's fucked. He fucked himself. He fucked that. And he had money. I mean, if we're going boxing, Tyson Fury. Greatest white of all time. Greatest as white. The greatest heavyweight of all time. Well, that's Rocky Mountain Central.

That's when Italians were considered white. They weren't considered white at first. Every time we talk about boxing, we gotta bring him off here. Wait, who? Rocky Marciano? Tyson Fury. I'm talking about white, white. Jack Dempsey. Jack Dempsey. Lou Furpo. What? No flair. I'm talking white. Jack Dempsey. Larry Bird. Randy Johnson. He's one of the greatest boxers ever, yeah, but he was Italian. No flair.

I don't know if he's super white, though. Italians are Mediterranean. Oh, that's a good one. I'm talking white, white. But he's considered white compared to a black guy, yeah. If we were talking racism, I said, no, no, he's Italian. Italians were...

categorize as white after a while when they got to Ellis Island they looked like they were from India go watch the Ken Burns PBS Italian American and you'll see what the fuck they look like shout out to Ken Burns Ken Burns baby I know his daughter Lily Burns Lily Burns they married to the fucking line producer Louis Fernandez Tony Hernandez the new Ken Burns Holocaust doc shout out Ken Burns is it dope killed it you guys

Pete Rose. Is it good? That's a good one. Pete Rose is one of the great whites. Pete Rose is actually a good call. Who should be in the Hall of Fame? Now, then we're talking like Ric Flair.

No, no, no. How about Randy Savage? Yeah. That's a good point. I got Ty Cobb. My psychiatrist said I'm OCD. One cool dude. Yeah, brother. Yeah. You don't understand what Randy Savage said. If you're going to talk wrestling, why it's greatest of all time. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Hulk took it to the next level. Hulk Hogan.

Hulk Hogan is the Britney Spears of wrestling. I met Hulk Hogan when Shaq was wrestling. I was doing a show with Shaq. And he said, hey, you want to meet Hulk Hogan? I said, yeah. He's like, you know, I'm wrestling now. And we meet Hulk Hogan and we do a little sketch. And he's like, what's up, brother? How you doing, Godfrey? It was fucking amazing. Me, Shaq, and fucking Hulk Hogan. You got Shaq. Godfrey.

Shaq. You can do Shaq. Oh, Shaq. DM me. Shaq's walking. He FaceTimes me every other week. So he tries to do Denzel before you do another ancillary impression. For the love of God. Let me try and call him. That would be good for Sam's thing. Sam's from now on. You're taking requests.

and you won't do Denzel. He doesn't want to do Denzel. Dude, shut up. Shut the fuck up, man. He's trying to get into a movie with him. That's all he's doing in Chicago. Man, shut the fuck up. Yeah, bitch. When you do it like that, even if someone's talking to you, man, shut the fuck up, man. We got to wrap this up. This has been a fun time. No, no, we don't. We got to...

dinner reservations. I think one more shot for you guys. You gotta come to dinner then. We've been here for four hours drinking. You've been here. We've been here longer than that.

I don't know.

Before we wrap up

Can I make one quick toast? Godfrey, everybody, can we make one quick toast? Okay. Oh, my God, dude. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. It's going to be great. I made it. First off, Matt Peters, thank you for helping put this all together. Great producer. Second off to Mark Norman, who we love and who's getting married soon. Hey, Mark. We all love you. Mark, great choice. Thanks for having me, guys. Hey, great choice, Mark. And you're all here...

Honestly, you're all here because we love all of you. Thank you so much. You guys are part of this. And Martin. Great comedians. We're so happy that this could come together. We love you, buddy. I'll see you all in hell. We love all you guys. You guys are the great whites of comedy. As a black man saying it to y'all. Can I please be the Bill Lambert of whites?

Enough, Joe. No. He doesn't want to do it. Thanks for listening, guys. And thanks for coming. We might be drunk. You're the best, guys. Yeah, you're welcome.