Ep 99: Halloween w/ Dan Soder
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Hey, folks, here we are. Oh, it's the super.

Mario Podcast. Happy Halloween. Thank you. I was waiting for that. Hell yeah, Peter. All right. We are fucking virgins, huh? Look at these nerds. Holy shit. We got candy and video games. Speak for yourself. I'd clean up in Japan right now. Dan Soder's with us. Our boy. Yeah. Our boy for so long. We've been tight with him for so many years. This is fun, dude. Billions. Netflix. HBO. Comedy Central. The Bonfire. Bonfire. Bonfire.

Every time you say my credits, I got to eat it like a coin. Who is your go-to in the Mario Kart? Who's your driver? I do like Yoshi, honestly. Yoshi's fun. Yoshi's my guy. I'm a big Mario Kart on the Switch. So I love it.

Oh, is this a little N.A. for your boy? Absolutely. What is this? Today we're doing just like a little simple haunted fruit punch with some nice cherries on there. Spooky. All right, dude. Love it. This would be funny if you guys planned all this to get me off the wagon. Yeah.

This was it? I don't want you back on the wagon because I remember you were a beer and a shot drinker. Yeah, this is a reverse intervention. We can plan all this to get you back. This is a lovely non-alcoholic drink. Ooh, that is tasty. I bet if you put booze in that, it'd be real spooky. I have a confession to make. What? Well, last, I tried to get soda on the bachelor party episode, which comes out next week, and-

- It took a year off my life. - It killed me. Partially 'cause DeRosa, every fucking 10 minutes, shots, shots. - Yeah, it's like four in the afternoon. - We're all on the road so much that I can't tell when I'm sick anymore 'cause I just never feel good. So I go and feel him pretty rough, but I'm like, "Is it allergies?" I don't know, but I'm like, "Eh, whatever." Probably had 10 to 12 drinks that night easily. I mean, we went out for steaks after. - Easy, easy. - I mean, we easily had that many. And DeRosa even at dinner is like, "Drinks, drinks, we're wasted."

And, you know, I went on stage. I'm like, you know when you're on stage struggling to enunciate? Yes. That was at the Comedy Cellar, the late show. That was one of the shows I realized that it was time to pack it up. Oh, really? I got so drunk at Triona's because I never wanted to see, I never wanted Esty to see me drink. Ah.

Because on Friday nights, you're there for like four spots. Yeah. Triona's is a bar down the street from the cellar. In the West Village. And so I'd go around the corner and just do shots with beers. And dude, I was on stage at the late show and I was like, I just couldn't talk. Yeah. I was like, damn. I remember when I got into the cellar, I saw Colin Quinn, you know, hero. And I was like, any advice? He goes, just don't drink. And I was like, oh, yeah. And I had a whiskey. I was like, fuck, this is bad.

But he's right, because you get too drunk and it gets ugly. He just keeps going. He's like, no observational humor. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Saying comedy, that's pretty stupid, you know? No praise Allah. But a bachelor party drinking, that's a long, that's a marathon. We did four hours, and I mean, the episode's a banger next week coming out. Big guess. But dude, it set me back so many fucking days. Same. I was in Phoenix.

last weekend I was dying I took a COVID test I was negative but I was doing those shows where I'm like I'm of like the mentality if I can perform I'll perform sure but it was like this that 90s Knicks Patrick Ewing knees in the ice bucket I'm like I'll power through but holy shit were you at stand up live I was at stand up live so you can go right to the hotel after that right to the hotel I was with Vitor yeah uh

Every time I got off stage, I would, like, collapse. They would hand me NyQuil. I'd just down it. Damn. It was that level of sick. I'm telling you, yeah, that was your Jordan Flu game. Right. You have to... Man, taking a week off... I don't even drink and I take weeks off. Really? And I feel it where I'm like...

Take a week off the road and you're like, all right. Yeah. I'm watching Sober October with these guys and they're all looking better. They look eight years younger. They're all like on the treadmill. I'm like, damn, maybe I should do that. I quit drinking and everyone was like, hey, good for you. I quit smoking cigarettes and everyone's like, you look 10 years younger. Oh, the cigs have got you. I think it was the cigs that were getting me. But man, do I miss those the most. They work. Cigarettes work. The second Putin threatens nuclear anything, I'm buying a pack of cigarettes. Lighten up.

You know Leonard Cohen, he said if he made it to 80, he would start smoking cigarettes again, and he did.

Oh, wow. He died very soon after. That's fucking awesome. Good for him. I said 70. Yeah. 70, I'm going to start drinking and smoking again. All right. Well, so I guess you'll never be drinking and smoking. I don't know. We'll see. All right. I quit at 29 so I could get fucked up at 70. There you go. But then your body is, a hangover at 70 has got to hurt. Oh, take me to my wife. Eat your own.

You're already in a wheelchair probably, and you got the IV. You got the feedback. And you got Jamaican Annie. You got a Jamaican lady that's going to give you a hangover cure in the home. Because being old is basically the same as hungover. It is. It's just a life hangover. Right. You just lived all your life.

and then now you're hungover and you're fucking sick. I'm looking at my grandma who's 94. Bad hangover right now. Exactly. She's like, everything she does, she's just like, where's my fucking keys? Yeah. That's how you feel on stage when you're sick. You just feel old. I'm just walking slowly. My voice isn't great. And then people woo. They're like, woo. Shut up. Phoenix is a tough city to be sick in. Oh, they go hard. They're rowdy. It's also hot. Hot.

Hot as shit. Hot cities are not easy to be sick in. Yeah, but you have a great voice, so you never got the smoky Steve-O. I started getting it. It started coming. It started getting a little raspy. Look at Chappelle. He's getting a little... Oh, yeah, the way Dave's like, everybody knows what...

but now it's even smokier. JL Colvin does it perfect. Oh, really? I do more Chappelle show era Chappelle. Killing him softly. Yeah, I do killing him softly Chappelle. JL can do the smoky one. Oh, wow. You gotta understand, man. It's pretty good. Yeah, but Dave's got, he's been smoking for... Well, have you heard Tom Waits? Oh,

I mean, Tom Waits already sounded terrible. I know. He came in with a gruff voice at like 28. Yeah. Now seismologists have to say what he's saying. It's like, it's rumbling. I'll decipher. The piano has been drinking? I don't know.

Is he the one? Who am I thinking of? He's on Letterman and he's hilarious. He's mad funny on Letterman. He's super quick. Tom Waits? Yeah, he's good. Tom Waits rules. He's a sexy guy. Something about him. He's a guy that, yeah, he's not like classically. He's not a handsome guy, but he's got it. Yeah, dude. Tom Waits has got some fucking bangers. There's an hour and 26 minute clip of him. That's more than most comedians. You know, if Letterman has you on that much, it means you're fucking funny. Right, right.

I think he's got a couple great lines. Even this young Tom Waits, he looks older than us. Yeah. Yeah.

He sounds like if an old house could talk. You know, like in Pixar movies? Right. You don't want to live in me. I'm an old house. Isn't that the dream? I just want to be on Bob's Burgers and then do stand-up, and you'll never work a day in your life. That's it. That's where I'm gunning for. Do you do a lot of voiceover? I do voiceover stuff. What have you been doing? Recently, I did Paradise PD on Netflix. I do NFL Films, Top 100. Wow.

So I told the NFL Films, because I've been doing it for six years, I'm like, hey, when your guy dies, I want the season recap job. I want to be like, that year the Raiders knew that fall would bring, you know, and then just do it where they score it. Yeah. I want that job. You could be the next Attenborough. Dude, I would fucking love, just get high and talk about seagulls. Yeah.

Look at this guy. Yeah, the rhino presents himself. I'd like to watch that shit all day. Yeah, they go pause. They go, are we going to see this rhino fuck? It's just like the scrapped ones. Somebody had a bit about how it'd be fun to narrate dudes at a bar with Attenborough. Oh, yeah. Like picking up a chick. Well, they kind of did that on Chappelle's show with When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong. They did the NFL Films thing. Remember when he was like, but he wasn't there.

Instead, it was a, yeah, we're keeping it real goes wrong. That was a great one. Man, Chappelle's show was a banger. Oh, hey, look, Sally's on it. Oh, you know what it was? It was great moments in hookup history. That was when they did NFL films. Dude, I did a few voices on 10-year-old Tom on HBO. Oh, hell yeah.

That's a great show. That shows... I mean, that whole... That's like... Steve Dildarian rules. Did you ever watch Life of Times of Tim? Oh, that was good. Jay's obsessed with it and got me into it. It's a great show. It's very funny. Yeah, I love... Nick Kroll. Yeah, Kroll's great on it. It's got a lot of great shit on there, but...

That's awesome. But when you do the voiceover with him, you do the script and then he's like, all right, let's riff a few. And you just keep riffing and he's fun to riff with because he'll just go in weird directions. Yeah. Oh, all right. Yeah, I always liked... Like, I remember when we were all doing mics or whatever and Bob's Burger came out, Bob's Burgers, and Todd Berry did the voice of a cow. Wow. I was like...

Yeah. Because I was like, Todd Berry. That's Todd Berry. Of course. Gene Merman was like the son. Yeah. Because it seems so great just to get a voiceover job. I mean, did you hear Michelle Wolf got the new GTA? I'm just setting you up. Get out of the fucking car. I'll kill you. That's my car. I'm sorry. Are you comedian Michelle? Don't leave my fucking face. Oh.

motherfucking last one of you. You need the Pulp Fiction music right there. Be cool, honey buddy. Yeah. Any of you motherfuckers move and I'll execute the other fucking last one. Ah.

I heard Macho Man Randy Savage on GTA 5 as well. That's who I play on Paradise PD. They let me do Macho Man on Paradise PD, and they were like... At one point, they were like, just cut a promo. And so they gave me things that I was supposed to say, and that was the most fun. Damn. Because I was in a big, you know, a fancy sound booth with the headphones on, just being like, yeah, and another thing. I cut it as his...

As his ghost. Oh, dude, God bless Mean Gene. Yeah. That guy was the killer. Most of Cream rises to the top, dude. Is it? No, he's got the purple shirt on when he does Cream. Yeah. They're like comics. They have to build a persona. Dude, and the way that he would like...

you know he has like little isms like the way he would go down and pop and he'd be like yeah i'm telling you something right now there is no way yeah and it was just like my favorites my favorite line is when he goes cup of coffee he starts off with a coffee and he goes cup of coffee yeah cup of

coffee in the big time yeah I hated him when I was a kid cuz I was such a big Hulk Hogan fan Wow I was such a macho man guy I don't know why it's always that it's like his breath is he just took a giant hit of weed yeah yeah how do

How do you create that? How do you craft that? Did he just pull that out of his ass? There's a great interview with his brother where his brother talks about the two guys. It's like comics. We're all influenced by people. The wrestlers are influenced. So there's guys that work the territories, and his dad was a professional wrestler. So there's two guys that he liked. So when he was coming up, he was practicing, doing that breathy. It's not Bruiser Brody, but it's somebody like that that does the holding in your breath, like, I'm going to talk like that.

And then he just added in. Yeah, so. Dan, do you know the origin story of the cream? That he just took it from catering? Yeah, pretty much. They would challenge each other backstage. Be like, do something with this. And they'd throw it at him. Oh, really? Yeah. Like freestyle battles? Yes, yes. To like work, yeah. Unjustified, we in a position that I'd rather not be in. But the cream is the best.

I also love that that t-shirt looks like a short-sleeved turtleneck. Yeah. He's so muscular. He's like, even a little more. See, yeah, I got to lift the arms out. They're basically like improv. Yeah. Savants. That's why, like,

wrestling kind of sucked for a while because Vince McMahon controlled their promos. It was like, what would they do to us with TV sets? Right. That's what Vince McMahon did to everybody. You can't fuck with the artist. And then they were like, because this is back in the day. This is roids and cocaine, dude. Anytime you let the performers do what they do, it is going to be better. That was what happened with Louie. FX...

Let Louis make it. And then everyone was like, that's so genius. And you're like, oh, the guy made the thing he wanted to make? Exactly. And then now they're like, that's what a concept. I know. Everybody wanted the Louis deal. Because this is something that networks don't like hearing, but it's the truth is there's a lot of people that work there that really don't do anything. Of course. And they feel like they need to do something. Yeah, so their job is to be like –

I think we should change that. Yep. And then if you challenge it, you're like difficult to work with. Yeah. I don't think that's why I do that. I'll work with people who will like literally change something and then change it back in the next paragraph. And I'm like, you're just wasting. Right. This is crazy. They, they canceled family guy twice. I know. And then it's, it's,

been as big. It's just under the Simpsons as far as how big it's been for Fox. Right. That's true. And it's so great. Everybody loves it. And it's like the funniest show. I remember when they canceled, we were all in college and you had to get it on like Morpheus or like LimeWire. Yeah, Kazaa. You'd have to go download it on Kazaa. That's true. Holy God, the industry sucks. That's why the Internet's winning, you fucking cum guzzlers. But you know what's funny is that now the Internet's just letting too many people in. Now the club...

Now you did the thing where you're like, I'm going to throw a party in a field so no one gets uninvited. And then everyone showed up and you're like, I should have got a bouncer for this thing. Right. Gatekeepers did have some merit. They had some merit. They had too much power. Too much power, but some merit. But they were keeping some real shit bag.

We just need the little thing you put when you have a toddler in the doorway. We need like just a little bit. If you can figure out how to lift it up, you can come in. The little knob thing. Yeah. But yeah, now it's no gate at all. And like, you know, Chappelle, I love Chappelle, but I don't. He could use a gate. The recent stuff, I'm like, Dave, what are we doing? Yeah.

I know, right? I'm going to sit on stage and read my tax returns. I know. Now this is going by how I filed it by state. Yeah, part of me is like, maybe I'll stab him. Yeah. I'll go up there. That guy was just yelling, structure! That's what he was yelling at Dave. He's like a comedy guy. That guy loved him.

I preferred your earlier stuff. I loved when you had a clear premise on a bit. Dude, I thought it was funny when Mulaney had Chappelle do a set and everyone got mad at Mulaney. You're seeing two of the greatest comedians of all time on the same bill and you're upset about it. In Ohio. Think how that would have played in Portland, Oregon. They would have burned the city. Holy shit. But also it would have been funny if Mulaney just did super anti-trans stuff the whole time.

- The penis went up there, he goes, "You know what I don't understand? "Trends, well, what are you? "Are you a he or a she?" - And then Chappelle goes in there. - And Chappelle, they tag in. He goes, "I was gonna say, "I don't know if they're peacing out." They got a new pod coming out calling, "What is it?" - Peters, we need one for it. We need one, get us. - Give me a . - You gotta be way more liberal with these.

Uh oh, we're getting nothing. Oh no, dude. Hey! There we go. Mario. Mazel. That was a red shell you threw just then. I don't know.

Oh, yeah. We were talking about Mario Kart, though. I played it on Switch. Ah, yeah. You know what? I was playing with Mateo on Switch once, and he's so good at the game. And he's keeping rules from us that you have to hit that R, I guess, to turn. Yeah, the slide? The power slide? I'm like, dude, of course you're keeping rules from us. Gotta be transparent. Gotta be transparent. You gotta know about... Also, when you jump off jumps, you get a boost. Yeah. What?

I didn't know any of this shit. I've been playing it for 20 years. I didn't know that. That's a new rule, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's just, you know. Oh, okay. How about that Rainbow Land? That's trippy. Dude, I love it. I love it. Mario Kart, to me, signifies the end of a two-show night when I'm just eating candy in my hotel room. Oh, yeah. Just laying there, and I'm like, damn, dude, I'm a child. Yeah.

Yeah. Playing Mario Kart. Well, that blew my mind. I think I worked with Nate once, and he had like a – him and Big Jay had NBA Jam. Oh, yeah. I was like, I didn't know we could do this. It felt like overload of too much fun. Comedy, booze, video games. You just get all the stuff you wanted? Yeah. Big Jay and I were both once in Indianapolis. We were both playing the different crackers clubs. Yeah. Quit bragging. Yeah, it was not great. But –

Jay brought his Xbox and we're just playing NBA 2K. I'm like, this is... Dude. Does everyone do this? Yeah, Vitor and I used to... We worked comedy on state one year. We were doing Valentine's Day, so they did three shows in the night. In between shows, we'd go back and play a game of NBA 2K. And then by the time we got back to the club, it was sat and ready to go. Yeah. It was awesome. It was like you just reloaded it. You're like, all right, reload, reload. It was so fun. I wonder if comics in the 60s are like, we got Scrabble. We brought it. Yeah.

Jenga. When Jenga broke. Chutes and ladders. But you know what's funny is there was a part I read in Bill Hicks' biography where they said that when Nintendo came out, he bought a Nintendo and he was sober and that like him playing Mario Brothers was like a big deal. I wouldn't have survived in the 80s. We would have all been dead. The blow alone. The blow and the lack of. There you go.

That's my heart at a fucking, you know, side splitters. But here's what, because of all the drugs, the comedy bar was so much lower. Like, have you ever seen clips of like Richard Belzer in the eighties? And they're like, he was a crowd work genius. And you see the clip and I'm like, I don't even know what he's talking about. Look at this homo. Look at you. There's just saying words that you're like, well, that would end my career right now. My favorite is on that Paul Prevenza green room. I used to love that show. When, uh,

Stanhope's talking about his book. Yes. And then Belzer goes like, what is this? I forget what Stanhope's talking about, but he's talking about something. And Belzer goes, what is this? What are you selling a thing? And then Stanhope goes, Belzer, I bought your book. Yeah. Yeah. So good. I love it. He's called him out. Well, it's old hack versus hilarious guys in their prime. He is good on Law and Order SVU. All right.

Well, he's good at that drama show. Yeah. We got to get on that show, by the way. What the hell? Yeah, Colin Quinn's got that bit about how he's a New Yorker, and he's like the only New Yorker that hasn't been asked on Law & Order SVU. He's like, I have stumbled onto the set by accident multiple times. I love that bit. Anytime he goes to that bit, because then he does what he thinks his Law & Order episode would be. Oh, that's fun. You know, you mentioned Nintendo with Bill Hicks. Nintendo should mark it as like, hey, hey, quit drinking.

This is healthier. Yeah, that's a great little way to sell more units. Yeah, you're absolutely correct. That would be a way for alcoholics to be like, hey, I can go play Zelda and not ruin my family. Exactly. Yeah, but drinking on the road is fun. Oh, it's...

It's sad now that it's almost Pavlovian. Like, I get into the club. I have tequila on my rider, so I don't have to wait for a waitress. That's how bad of a booze town I am. That's a problem. Yeah, that's a problem. Like, I don't want to wait for eight minutes for this, you know, Bob of Three to bring me a tequila soda. I need it right now. Yeah. So I make it right when I get there, and I'm like, all right, I'm back. Do you have a specific tequila? I've been... This is going to get ugly. Why?

I'm out with Casamigos. What? I'm out, Jared. What happened? Well, I've been reading all about tequilas because if I'm going to drink this much, I'm trying to stay somewhat healthy. I hate to do this and out these Cloonies of the world. He's out now. He's not with it anymore. It's full of garbage. It's all yacked up with all kinds of shit. It's stepped on. It's got all kinds of condiments and additives and all this shit. Really? Terrible.

all the way. No, not terrible. The rocks? Yeah. I've had it. It tastes pretty good. I'm doing research here on what's better for you. It's all poison at the end of the day. It does make sense that the rocks is cleaner. It's cleaner, yeah. Give it a goog. I'm telling you there, Toadstool. I don't know. I don't know why we're plugging the rocks tequila in here. He doesn't need more press. No, I'm not even trying to plug it. He's doing okay. Well, what's funny is that Mexican restaurant I used to work at, they made us get...

in tequila. Oh, wow. So you know a lot about tequila? I did. I don't think I retained it. But Vince Neal came in. Oh.

Oh, the Cabo Wabo. He has like Trace Rios. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking of Sammy Hagar. Yeah, that's Cabo Wabo. Yeah. Every celebrity has a tequila. Yeah. It's crazy. It's like a podcast with comedians. Yes. If you're famous, you have to fucking. That's a tweet. You have to have a tequila. And we have a whiskey, so. Yeah, exactly. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, folks. Changing the game, motherfuckers. But he was like, you guys have Trace. It's Trace Rios, right?

He asked for his own tequila? Yeah. And then he got drunk on the cafe, and I just kept looking at how his face looked. No, look for Tres Rios. I can't tell if that's really cool or really sad to get drunk on your own tequila. I'll tell you the tequila that I love the most. Yeah, but we do it like with it in the studio. Oh, alone. To show up to a restaurant alone and get drunk on your own. Oh, yeah, no, that's weird. Is that Vince Neal's? That's weird. Yeah, dude.

Try Partita. Partita? Partita is the, that's the shit that I would like. You think Guy Fieri shows up to his restaurant and he's like, garbage nachos now. Yeah. Need them. Put them in me. Any restaurant he eats at. He should have a hot sauce holster. Wouldn't that be fun? Or if he had it on his shoulder holster like a detective where he was like, you guys want some awesome sauce? Yeah. He'd just like get a thing of it. Yeah.

That would be fun. Every fucking, every famous person has a tequila. Partia? Partita. Yeah, the Breaking Bad guys have a tequila. Partita Reposado is the one that, I mean, this is like 12 years ago. Jesse Pinkman and Walter White have a tequila together. Oh, really? Jeez. That's a good way to stay in touch, too. I should have done, I'm going to do a rum cocktail.

For my dead father. That's my liquor. I'm going to do a rum because that's what killed Gary. What are you running? What are you? What are you running from? That'll probably be the tag. Yes. Yes. Hidden rum.

I might call it hidden rum's good or every other weekend rum. Oh, that's good. Partial. What could you call it? Panic rum? No, no. That's a negative. Or you could call it child support. I'm trying to get more into court lingo. Right, right. You're not my real rum? Okay. That was a big reason you quit, right?

No. What? No? What? My dad was alcoholic? Yeah. No, I quit because I loved doing comedy. Yeah. And I just was like, oh, I'm going to be one of those guys where if I drink, like right now, I would have been living in like Syracuse with a lady I got pregnant. Right. Drinking and being like Sam and Mark.

Fucking great Fuck we're on these just same shows a time You were a fun drunk you were at the weed yeah, that's what say you were a lot of fun drunks Don't quit and you were a good you were never bad vibes ever they started getting like I started a little chippy really Yeah, I started getting a little chippy and never around me ever thought I just get chippy with people I didn't really like and started coming out. No

And then I was like, I should probably smoke weed. Wow. Because I was smoking weed already. Right. Because I started with weed, booze came in, and then booze came out. Well, I watch fistfights online probably too much. Yeah. And it's all booze-fueled. Yeah. There's not anybody at a library like, let's go. I got some great Twitter follows for you. Oh, please. Baked fights rules. Baked fights. Okay. Is that high people fighting? No, it's just wild fucking fights. It's just people making...

pie. Yeah, it's on Twitter. Baked fights. And Twitter, you know, there's no limits. No, no, no. Like Instagram, they edit. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. The porn on Twitter. I can jerk off to it. That's pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy. If you follow any porn things and then you're just scrolling. Yes. And you're like, whoa, that lady's stuck in a baby's house. I know. And she's getting fucked. I know. Right under Sam plugging his dates. I know. You look at it and you're like, this is too much for the grocery store. Yes. I'm going to leave this in line. Martin's so clever. Holy shit. Or you're on an airplane and you're like, yay. Yeah.

They'll put some nudity in airplane movies, by the way. They are? Oh, yeah. There's a lot of movies with nudity. Dude, I was flying to London to do shows at the Soho Theater, and I watched Jackass 3, or Jackass Forever. And it was like the screen was so bright, and it's just Steve-O being like, I've got bees on my nuts. And he's just like, his whole dick is covered, and he's like, ah.

And there's just this old British lady sitting next to me being like, where do you want to go? She's like, ah!

I can't stop! My fucking cock! I remember watching, I remember they had Secretary on a flight once. I don't know if you've ever seen that movie. Oh, yeah. It's a hot movie. It's James Spade. The one about the horse? No, that's Secretary. I was like, dude, Sam's coming out. He's just spanking a horse. He's like, oh, is that hot? Look at all that power. The lady next to you is like, hey!

But he's, you know, that scene where he's like, basically she makes a mistake and he keeps circling the mistakes. He's like spanking her. Oh, yeah. Bent over. He like jerks off on her. Pretty hot. Wait, that's the movie. Did you guys see the Army Hammer documentary, House of Hammer on Discovery Plus? Nah, I can't. I can't have it. That's the movie he would make every girl watch. Whoa. Before he would start. Jeez. It's a pretty good movie. Conditioning. It's pretty good.

Gyllenhaal, right? Yeah, she's great in it. Yeah, dude. That's funny because Dahmer made you watch Exorcist. Three. Oh, three? Not even a good one. What? I make women watch Weekend at Bernie's, too. Yeah. I make them watch Comedian, the documentary. And I go, doesn't Colin give good advice? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I just rewatched that. That was an old bit of mine that never worked. It was, it was, it just never ever worked. It was like, you know, I always invite women back to watch a movie and here's my, here's my trick. I only have shitty movies. It's like before streamers, I'm like, face off or weekend at Bernie's, which one? And she's like, all right, I'll fuck you. Fine. You know, it's a Sophie's choice.

It's like, I'll just fuck you to get out of these movies. Yeah, right? Netflix and chill. That was before Netflix and chill. Oh, yeah. It's weird you have to say something to a woman. You can't just be like, let's go have sex. Sometimes you can. Now some women I think you can just say it to. I don't know. I've tried it. Blockbuster and bus. Yeah.

Oh! That's good. That's pretty good. That's not bad. Alright, alright. You look like you have a big brain with that hand. Yeah, I know, yeah. It looks like you can move things with your mind. Damn, these sounds! These sounds are... Nah, it's just losing its luster, though. Just hit them earlier, just in case. Oh, there it is. Now it's warmed up. What else do we have? Give us another one. Gotta hit it hard.

I like that. That's a good one. That's the one up, dude. Let's see if I can guess them. I'm going to shut my eyes. I mean, we know that. That's a classic theme song. Oh, it's classic. Death? Yep. Yep. Death. That's through a tube. Is that through a tube? No, it says Mario oof. Fuck. We got hit. What else you got? Let's see.

That's through a tube. That's my favorite. Fuck, you're good. That's all a star? You got a star? Oh, that was such a happy temporary... Gold coin, obviously. Death? Oh, it is death.

I can hear the vaginas drying. Hey, Stinky! We'll lose it all over. It'd be funny if it's just like super Italian-American views. It was like, the election was stolen! A Biden should do nothing to the president! Yeah, I wonder... Oh, that's a good one. The queen? This is N64, I think. Oh, wow. Dude.

Do you think Italians like Mario or hate? Love him. Really? You gotta love him. He's a plumber. He's a lovable guy. He's very lovable. The movie was terrible. Remember John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper? Pure money grab for Dennis Hopper. Yeah. As Koopa? Now they got the new one coming out with Chris Pratt and he doesn't even do the Mario voice. Oh.

He just goes like, hey, I'm Mario. Oh, that's appalling. Hey, I'm a plumber. Ooh, I'd give him shit for that too. I think it would be funny if someone online tries to say that Mario Brothers is union propaganda. Ah.

Sebastian to play him he would have been like a perfect Mario. He's too handsome nobody's voiceover Chris. Oh, it's animated Handsome guy he's handsome, but I thought it was real you know motion picture. Did you steal the prince? Mario

Oh, wow. Yeah, this is it. You gotta do the voice. He is an epic, it's an epic character. Oh, yeah. You need a guy being like, SME! Yeah, but he's Japanese, right? That's where it's made.

I mean, Nintendo's Japanese. So it's funny to think that it's Japanese people being racist towards Italians. That's what I'm saying. What a fun workout. Yeah. Look at that. The Italian-American Declaration League. I made character Italian diploma. That's like what they tell their children. There's so many levels of racism. Oh, it's a sandwich, dude. Good luck. Come find me in this casserole.

But I think he's so likable, and the sound effects, you can't hate him. You can't find racism in him. I just love the idea that that's what Japanese parents told their kids they would be if they didn't do well. You will be a Japanese, you will be Italian primer. I will not father. I will do better. Well, that's why there's a dragon in it, because that's where the Japan comes in. We ought to put something Japanese in this. Lizards that eat coins and fucking dragons. Yeah.

It is. It is like you're certain some of this old video game shit. You're like, yeah, this is if you're a dad our age and you take your kid, you're at least like, all right, well, this is my childhood. This is my shit. But that's what's weird now is so much shit is made for when we were kids. I know. That we're like forcing kids. Remember how we used to make our parents watch us play video games? Yep. Like, watch me play this. And they're like, I don't I don't get it. Dude, I lived in the 60s. Right. And then now we do that. But with our kids. Yeah. We're like, hey, watch it. Then they're like, ah.

The amount of technology now is like, it's insane. Because now if it just doesn't work immediately, I'm like, what the fuck? That's how dependent you are on it. Dude, that Louis bit. That's the classic bit. The Wi-Fi. Yeah, give it a second. I was in the deli the other day and I'm like,

I'm so used to just – you're just used to it working. So when it doesn't work, you don't even think. So I put my – I was listening to an audio book on movies in like the 60s and I put my headset in and it doesn't connect. I didn't even realize it didn't connect. And I shit you not, the part it doesn't connect for is some editor for Sam Peckinpah and Robert Altman movies. And he goes, you know what the difference between Peckinpah and Robert Altman is? Peckinpah is a prick and Robert Altman is a cunt. Wow.

I just had people in the store hear that line. Really? Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. But it was a fun, I was like, this is the perfect line. Yeah. Just one guy signing it. No one paid attention. No one like gives a shit. One guy signing it and doesn't look up. He goes, he's not wrong. I'm a dick and bum. That was a grip on the wild bunch. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. It's like if my internet doesn't work on my phone, I get like huffy. I get crazy. And it's gotten worse. Of course. Yeah, you expect it. It's weird. Somebody, Neil deGrasse Tyson, had a great point. He was watching a horror movie with his kid. His kid's like five. And he's running from the monster, gets in the car, and it doesn't start. And he's like, Dad, why didn't the car start? And he's like, oh, cars used to not start sometimes. Now you just get in like a Prius, and it just boop, boop, boop.

Yeah. Connecting. Yeah. So we're just so used to things working perfectly. It's crazy how quickly technology goes to where you'll see, you'll be watching like a movie or show from four years ago and you're like, that's like an old iPhone. What the fuck is that? Oh yeah. Even the way the cameras are. Jay brought it up on the bonfire recently. He's like, you look at sports highlights from like 1994. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Shitty camera. So grainy. I remember the first HD camera or the first HD TV I saw was at college. This rich kid had one. And I walked in. He's watching SportsCenter. I was like, Jesus, this is fucking crazy looking. It will fuck us, though, because like it looks great now, but it's going to keep going. And you're gonna be like you're going to be on TV doing a set. You're like, look at that fucking scar from 1988. Look at that mole. You'll be able to see everything. Every yellowness of your tooth. I don't know. The makeup will keep getting better, too. That's a good point.

True. I don't know. That is true, but it'll be crazy when we watch our old sets. Oh. Look how grainy and weird it is. It's kind of cool that we have them, though, that we have sets from before shit looked really good. I got tapes. I have VHS. Oh, God, I have a mini DVD. Wow. Do you think it's harder for kids of this generation to watch a movie from the 60s?

Oh, yeah. I think it was hard in the way that it was hard for us to watch stuff from the 70s. But I love that shit. I love those. Yeah, Mark and I are obsessed. So maybe they are. Maybe they will be. Maybe they'll love shit because the 90s are coming back around again now. That's true. But the difference is when we watched, you know, Raging Bull or whatever the hell from the 70s,

You didn't have 8 million zillion things coming at you that day from the present. New movies came out, but it wasn't like this onslaught. Well, I think people want to watch good shit less because they just want to go home and space out. They're like, I'll throw something on. I'll scroll TikTok while I watch. So you don't want to watch something that's like – if you want to watch something well-made, you really have to just shut off.

And people don't want to shut off. Yeah, you got to focus. Focusing is... Shut off everything, I mean, not shut yourself off. Yeah, but if you shut yourself, kill yourself. But it will be like... Jesus Christ, man. That's who ran out of continues. Oh, nice pull. I think. I'm pretty sure. Somebody had no followers. Yeah. Someone was raised by video games. It's so hard to turn... When you turn everything off now, you feel like a Tibetan monk.

Yeah. Look at me disconnected. I know. My phone's in the other room. I'm like, God, I'm so present. And you have to let everybody know. You have to go back online and go, look at me. I better tweet that I'm not going to be near my phone. Oh, I watch a foreign film now. I feel like I just did three years in a fucking monastery or something. It's incredible. I'm so intelligent. Reading a book.

Reading an actual book, like a paper book. I do it before bed, and it fucking is great. It helps sleep. Because you can't, you can't, I can't fall asleep. Sometimes I'll watch a funny show before bed to watch something light. But like, if you read a book before bed, you just, it's so much easier to sleep. Yeah, it's true. Or if I watch a show, I do blue light glasses because we sound so fucking old. Yeah, we do. This is so sad. We just lost everyone of their tones. Your beads. Your beads. I'm going to tell you what I love. My prescribed nasal spray. Yeah.

That helps me sleep better. You know what I'm into? My rec for the week. It's me, sleep apnea. I get that everybody. My rec is prunes. Oh.

I'm a big prune guy. You know, for me, Viagra. Yeah. I love getting old, dude. You guys like Belvita cookies? Oh, so much. Cookies with nothing else. Yeah. Just well-baked cookies. Oh, my gosh. No! My grandparents would eat Snackwells. Oh, yeah. That was the greatest. They were trying to stay fit, and they couldn't give up dessert. That was big. I took down Snackwells.

My mom was always dieting, so I always had Weight Watchers or Snackwell's snacks. They were worse for you, by the way. Were they really? They were way more sugar. They just had less calories. I would have Weight Watchers Fudge-sicles. Ooh, that sounds nice. They were good. Yeah. I mean, look, it's not horrible, but it wasn't... You have an Oreo after one of those, and you're like, this is dog shit. I know.

I know. It's like heroin. Back to the reading thing. There was literally an Instagram page called Hot Guys Reading, and they'd show a guy on the subway reading a book. That's how rare it is. It's like, ooh, look at this hunk. He's smart. He can read. Dude, Hot Guys Reading. Let's check out Hot Guys Reading. I don't know if it's still around, but it was a page. It's got to be. Girls just flicking their bean to thoughtful dudes. There it is. It'd be great if they're just reading dumb shit, too. He's a bookie. You're like, R.L. Stine.

He's reading the pickup artist? Also shows the difference between men and women. We're like, let's look at these hot chicks flicking their assholes with shit. And they're like, hey, look at these guys with books. That is hilarious. It is. It's just honks reading. Yeah. Wow. Wow. This is insane. That's how rare it is to read.

Also, you get really nervous that you're gonna click on a picture and like see your girlfriend being like how do you know people just taking photos of strangers on the train I do swear

It's pretty weird. People have gotten too comfortable with it. Taking one of you? No, just anyone. Just taking photos of strangers on the train. Oh, that's weird. I think it's a weird move. It is weird. You can't get caught, that's for sure. Oh, you've gotten caught taking a picture of somebody? Oh, yeah. Really? What are you going to do with that? What's that? Delete that. I'm like, okay. Or are you just like, the way you acted off, where you go, oh, it's a... Yes, yes. Could you try to shoot it down here? Dude, I'm sorry. I was going to say you look like skinny Mario Batali. I didn't. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I just wanted to make my girlfriend wet, so I had to take this picture. Right, right. By the way, pull out that candy ranking, will you? Let me get a potato chip first. Oh, please. Oh! What the hell? What a spooky surprise. No!

We have Betty White's body. Oh, man. Luckily, I'm a necrophiliac. Yeah. It's a victimless crime. Oh, it is. It's really just, you know, it's no calories. This cap is hurting my head. All right, so we're ranking some candies. Is that what we're doing? What are we starting with? This is right here? These are the ones in the bag. Oh, in the bag? Yeah.

Dude, you guys are coming to a... Hand me a Reese's just so I can eat it. You guys are coming to the right guy. All right. So we have to guess and then move on. Oh, give me that one. Because take five, what you're holding in your right hand...

Go ahead and put it at number one. No. I don't even need to see what's in there. This is going to be my committee. So we do have a good one. So good. If Koopa and fucking Yoshi can agree, we are two different types of dragons. He's Sunni dragon. I'm Shiite. Easy, Matt. What are you, Ray Rice? Woo! Woo!

Big cup. Big cup. Let me tell you something about a Three Musketeer. I'm going to tell you something. I'm already putting this shit last. Thank you. Get rid of it. My shitty half uncle likes that. You have to try this. Throw it out the window. I'm going to tell you right now. Three Musketeers, here's what you want to do. Uh-oh. It's like feeling for avocados. When you go to a gas station and you feel a Three Musketeer, give it a little push. That is the most pot-headed thing I've ever heard in my life. Make sure it dents a little bit. Ah!

And then you got yourself a good three musketeer. Good call. Good call. I'm taking this one home. That's a softball. Hold on. Watch the heat. How do you guys feel about 100 grand? Love 100 grand. Not a top five. Underrated. Not a top five.

I think Snickers is up there in the top three. It's a top five for sure. I know it's, there's a bar called Top Five in there. Really? Take Five. Sorry, Take Five. All right, Take Five is excellent. Take Five is in the top five.

I would go ahead and put it first. All right, we'll vote on this. What is a take five? Payday, I don't even know why this is here. Take five is every candy bar you can imagine in one glorious bar. It's a hermaphrodite. Yeah. It's got both, dude. You can suck, fuck. You can do whatever you want. Payday. Oh, I do. Payday is the candy bar that is left last in a vending machine. Yeah.

I'm a big Twix guy, dude. Love Twix. Twix to me is easily top five. Now we got to get into it. Sour Patch Kids. Oh, they're classics. And I'm going to say this so it's permanently on record. Uh-oh. I had an ex-girlfriend teach me that if you take Sour Patch Kids and dump it into popcorn at the movies, it's delicious. Yeah.

Since then, Luis J. Gomez has said that it's his that he created. It's not. I can give you the woman's name, address, and phone number. And she was the one that told me back in 2015. That's an amazing discovery. It's so good if you just don't Sour Patch Kids and popcorn and mix it up. I do chocolate in there, but I've never done the Sour Patch Kids. Yeah, that's too much. That's like a speedball. I can't handle that. You'll love it. I don't know. I did it during Top Gun. This sounds like some sober guy shit. Maybe I'm flying.

Listen, follow me. This is like in a recovery meeting. You're like, sometimes I want to get a fix. You guys brought me in, right? You brought me in for the candy episode. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Twix is a fucking, just so it's, I mean, that's a tough. Love Twix. Love Snickers. Mm-hmm. Damn, I don't want to disrespect Kit Kat. These are the ones we're ranking, right? Kit Kat's garbage. It's not garbage. I don't want to say garbage, but it's not great. I mean, first off, 100 grand, you forget these things. They're bangers. Oh, we're going to get that. You're going to go under the middle. We're going to lose a foot on this app.

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Six boxes. That's code DRUNK130 at go.factor75.com. All right. I hope I got that right. Yeah, it's go.factor75.com slash DRUNK130. Thank you. I don't like Twix. I know I'm in the minority, but I don't like them. What? I don't like the crunchy, wafer-y bullshit. You don't like crunch? No. It's crunch with caramel and chocolate. I hate hard food.

I put Twix. A hundred grand is good, but you got to put Twix ahead of it. Give me that a hundred grand. I took a bite. You got to go the other end. I'm fine with it. This is very underrated.

This right here? Peanut M&M's could sneak into the top three. I could see it too. It's that good. Top three. Peanut M&M's is a fucking classic, and I like that you can keep picking at it. I like that. They go hard. They go hard in the paint. Love a peanut M&M. All right, all right. Right now. Are we all more chocolate than gummy? Yeah. I mean, I love Swedish Fish. You want to get into it. Swedish Fish fucking rules. Over Sour Patch?

No way. But then you're also stuck picking them out of your teeth for the next few hours. True. If you've got a lot of fillings, you're fucked with Swedish Fish. Don't pull that shit up. Sour Patch Kids are... Here's the deal. Sour Patch Kids...

Swedish fish are heroin. These are fucking, dude, these are classics. I mean, you can't go wrong with a peanut M&M. This is heroin. Swedish fish is heroin. Gets sticky. Sometimes it's hard to use. Really in a pinch. Sour Patch Kids, fentanyl. It's just a little bit. Harmless. It's hot.

You're gonna get fucking nuts on this Keep those away from these are better than the classic the watermelon sour patch kids. Yeah. Yeah, this is this is that Chinese fat No, yeah shit that they'll reship. I got you to say I don't fuck with your fat That's not for me. He was about to get some fucking diarrhea. Oh, yeah, you ready? Oh

Unnecessary. Yeah, dude, hit me with one. Shoot it up, dude. Come on. Shoot her all over your keys. Ready? All right.

I've got to make the Yoshi noise. There you go. Hold on. Let me see if I can do it. Let me see if I can do it with full costume. Come on, man. That was close. That was an inch. An inch away. Okay, right now we've got it again. We're going two for three. Oh! In and out. Come on, Yoshi. Come on.

Wow, if that would have gone in, I would have blown all of you. These are fucking phenomenal. All right, well, we got to try this. Watermelon might be ahead of regular. Get him away from me. I'm just going to start it off. All right, I'll try it. Get him away from me. Who are you, my aunt? We're going to start with this. Payday.

Not horrible. It's not even on the list. I don't think... Because we're going to start like this. I prefer direct deposit. Take five. Got to show Starburst respect. Absolutely. Take five. Put take five at one. This is heroin or fentanyl. That's fucking good, dude. That's fentanyl. I'm telling you, and popcorn.

Don't listen to Louis J. Gomez. All right. He's killed that woman. Okay, but you gave me so many options here. So the Reese's Big Cup, are we doing the Big Cup or just regular Reese's? Just regular Reese's. I think we got to go regular because now we're getting into semantics. Just regular Reese's pieces. Here's the stoner secret. You freeze them. Yeah. Whoa.

No, no, no. Best frozen candy out there, period. Charleston Chew's in the mix, though. I'm peaking, by the way. I'm twitching out. I'm not well. I'm like Michael J. over here. Dude, I live off sugar. Really? You look good. No, no. With the shirt off, it's a mess. Really? Yeah. You look like a 50s movie star. You look great clothed. Oh, my God, dude. Michael Caine. I'm just a bowl of pudding.

Pull up Michael Caine and Alfie. You're going to shit yourself. And pull up, and after that, pull up Jimmy Stewart rear window shirtless. You're like, this is the fucking leading man. This is before Ty Bo, for sure. Oh my God, dude.

Michael Caine. I've got the sloppiest body. I love you. You've never seen. Remember Hannah and her sisters? Yeah. That bow made me think of you. This is young Michael Caine getting shit. This is when he's supposed to be, he's a sex symbol. Have you seen his wife? No. She's hot. Still? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, she's a hot woman. She's like, is she like Egyptian or? What? That's why. Whitey doesn't age.

Jimmy Stewart shirtless shirtless. I mean you just get a picture - yeah, yeah you on YouTube That's no good. You gotta go goog. All right. What are we missing? All right, so I'm gonna tell you kick kick kick. It's pretty good Yeah, they're probably not right. All right, fuck off dude too salty. Yeah

You got to show some respect to Reese's. Reese's is in top five. I agree. It's got to be. Agreed. Let's put it at five. Is that too high? Just the start. No, I like it higher. But we can move. It's Velcro. All right, I'll tell you what. Four. Let's put it at four. Put Kit Kat at five because I think everyone besides Norman will agree. I'll let you have it. I'll let you have it. He doesn't like Kit Kat, but we can all agree. I need Snickers in top five.

I can do that. Let's do Snickers at two. See, we're making trades here. I'm going on the top five two for Snickers, guys. You think over the bottom like a gay? I don't even see a Snickers here. It's right there, right in front of you. Right on top of the Sour Patch Kids. There you go. Three? Ah, two. Put it at two. It's such a classic. It's a classic. You can't go wrong with a Snick. It's got everything in it. Snicker, please. All right. I say 100 grand M&M's. Oh!

Put him at three for now. Put him at five. Put him at three. Get that Kit Kat out of here. I want to bump Kit Kat out. All right, bump Kit Kat down to six. Yeah! Norman's passionate about it. Now we're talking.

Thank you. Where you been my whole life? All right. All right. John Candy. That's clever. How about Starburst, dude? You know what? I'd say put Starburst at one. Oh, what are you crazy? I love Starburst. Wait, can I follow up with that? What flavor? What color? It's original. Now you're breaking down Christianity. Now you're getting into... I can't do artificial cherry flavor. I don't know why, but the reds are... Reds are great. I just say you're throwing the whole pack.

That's what I mean This is all Christians. Yeah, you know sugar is an alcohol though. Oh Really? I quit drinking. I didn't drink for a month. I mean obviously lost 40 pounds Wow

Because I'm drinking whiskey and beer. Wow. Whiskey? You think whiskey's just... No, it's all sugar. ...cowboy water. Your beloved take five. I don't know where that goes. That goes number one. It's the best candy bar. Whoa. What about Twix? I'm going to have to back that up. Here are the left ones. We're expecting five. You would back that up? Absolutely.

And Take Five is so underrated, too. Like, nobody gets it for some reason. It would be a sleeper upset. Okay, how about, I mean, where do we put the watermelon Sour Patch Kids has got to eclipse the Kit Kats? Suck my dick, Kit Kat. The Kit Kat just keeps getting pushed. Well, you know what, Kit Kat? Give me a break. They make Kit Kat out of old Kit Kats. You've been around forever. Sour Patch Kids is sick. They make Kit Kats out of old Kit Kats. Starburst? They do. People are going to be furious. Yeah, yeah.

People are going to be furious about this Starburst. Well, you know what, Starburst? You had enough. You had jelly beans. You had your gummies. You've been out here fucking around on us. Good point. So you get seven. Really? Is that? We might trade. We're going to need a producer way in here. Let me throw this out. Let me throw this out here.

That's rough. I think that's a tough break. I agree with him. But we're men. You've got children. Now, let me say this, though. Reese's has two things in the top four. Because we're just good at business, baby. If we had pieces, I would toss them on there, too. Really? I love Reese's pieces. I'm just saying I'm willing to move Reese's because you have a number one already. Do you know what's the most fat shit?

stoner thing that I do that I used to do when I exercised regularly before the pandemic I'd get a pint of Talenti double double dark chocolate oh that's the good stuff and then I would have a bag of Reese's Pieces and then as I ate another Talenti I would toss some Reese's Pieces I gotta get out of here that sounds fucking good Jesus that sounds good

Can't do it anymore. Talenti is fucking... I don't work out. That's some high-end bodega shit. Yes, it really is. Everything else is like whatever, and then you get to the Talenti, and you're like, dude. Shout out seafood in Queens. That's got to be, what, $8 for that pint? $8.99, dude. $8.99.

for ice cream. Are you out of your mind? Yeah, dude. Holy shit. It's that good shit though, dude. It's that good shit. It's that gelato. Gelato is fucking nice. It is, dude. It is. It's ice cream with a college degree. Aha. It's like, if you get ice cream out of a fucking paper thing, that's a GED. And then if it's got a top, that's a high school diploma. Right. And then if it's glass and you can turn it off, dude, that's

That thing went to Ivy League. Yeah. I used to do a bit about biscotti. That's like the other, Chips Ahoy is regular cookie and biscotti, I studied abroad. Same with panini. You get a sub, sub, like a, you know, construction guy. Yeah, panini's like, I'm bisexual. I learned I'm bisexual in Rome. Right, right. All right. Something about the smush sandwich is all hot. It's hot. Oh,

It's like a face smashed into a couch. It's great. Yay! We all got boners. That was the boner sound. Huh? Okay, I mean, I think, yeah, I agree that payday and good and plenty don't even... Get out of here, good day... I'm not high on Swedish fish either. Yeah, I didn't fight in Vietnam. Get out of here, good and plenty. Good.

I didn't travel up the Nang River. Can we get some CCR playing? Yeah, Nixon ate good and plenty. I'll tell you, they call you a baby killer if you eat good and plenty. I don't even like it, it's licorice covered in candy. Oh, no! Hey, there you go.

All right, okay. Where are we at? We're doing pretty good. We're moving. I'm going to say Three Musketeers. Over... I think Kit Kat's ahead of Three Musketeers. Is that crazy? Three Musketeers is... Three Musketeers is... Here it is. When it's soft...

It's great. Unlike a dick. It's the opposite of a dick. Yeah, you want a soft Three Musketeers. Got it. I want a hard Reese's Cup. Yeah. There you go. Okay. You want a hard, you slut. Yeah. Veiny. How about that Snickers vein? That made the rounds. I'm a size queen, so give me a big snuff.

You like big tits. Or also, have you seen the ones where they shove the Reese's Pieces into it? The DP of candy? Oh, no. Where they put Reese's Pieces into... Oh, yeah, I've seen it. Oh, what is that? Mr. Marcus? Is this disrespectful to put $100,000 at $10,000, though? Yes. No, it's not.

I say put it at 10. Is Kit Kat 10? Well, here's the thing. Let's put them up on the board and then we'll move them around. All right. But Three Musketeers at eight, I feel like, is a solid move. So does our guest. We've got to honor our guest. But we can move it around. Are you hearing this, moms? When your kids are trick-or-treating, hook them up.

up this is the list yeah what do you think I mean this is is this what do you think of this list I think Kit Kat here's the thing about Norman swayed my vote on Kit Kat all right he really made me see that it's kind of a shit candy I don't think it is not there's way for us have this conversation shit I love way for stuff

A good vanilla chocolate wafer if you like the real wafer shit. If it's airy. Airy. Airy Spears. It's making little kids oil their feet or whatever. I like a dessert that can do a DMX impression. I like a candy that does 90 minutes on a Wednesday. The comedy club staff hates them. No kids going to his house on Halloween. Or he's got the best candy. Oh.

He's got Godiva. Is that a Tell's joke? Ferrio Rocher. Holy shit. Halloween is the Super Bowl for pedophiles? Oh, yeah. That is a Tell's joke. Dude, Swedish Fish didn't make the cut, and I'm okay with that. I think it's overrated. Good and Plenty's doesn't even belong here. Good and Plenty's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's horrible. Good and Plenty's...

That's like... You give it to prisoners. That's like college loans. It's a candy that our parents' generation gave us that's just a burden. Right. Thanks, Boomer. Yeah, that's Boomer fuel. Let's all try one just to see how it is. Let's have some Boomer fuel. Boomer sounds like a candy. It does. Sounds better than good and plenty. It looks like medicine.

It probably was. It tastes like medicine. It's liquor. Isn't it black liquor? You know what? It's actually not. Oh, that's too many. Sorry. I actually don't hate it. It's a weapon at this point. It really does look like... It's not horrible. With my good and bad. But it's bad liquor. With my good and plenty, my penis works all the time. Give me one. Give me one. How did we not get Twizzlers on here? Those are classics. Ew. Ew. Ew.

It's better than I thought it would be, but it's not in the list. I like it. Yeah, it feels like I'm chewing road tar.

The Scandinavians love fucking black licorice. Do they? They have no soul. They love licorice. They're dead inside. Yeah, they're like, well, it is so cold up here that we must eat licorice. Yeah, you been to Ikea? Yeah. Okay. Here's my only issue now. Starburst has a whole bunch of flavors. We're going one flavor here. But Sour Patch, I think, represents the brand. All right. Interesting. I'd get down with that. What's the bonus round over there? We do have a bonus slot. All right.

Swedish Fish would fit nicely. Is that just like honorable mention? Yeah, we got to give them some love, I guess. All right. I'm fine with that. You know, I agree with that. Now, here, we can talk about this top five. Okay. Twix ain't going to break the top four because Norman's not on board. Sorry. And that's fine. It's my committee. It's my committee. Committee. That's fine. That's fine. I would say I like the way this looks.

I think this is a good topic. This is a classic. I mean, you have to give credit. Here's my only issue with Take Five. These two have stood the test of time. Sure they have. But you know what? It's about reinvention. It's about adding. It's about Reese's was like, I got new stuff. Right. Sure you love the classic hour, but you want to see him do good new stuff. Why is it tell the best comedian of all time? Lenny Bruce, George Carlin. Because he keeps pumping out good new stuff. This is Madonna. Yeah.

Yeah. Reinventing. Twix is kind of like... Twix showed up and everyone was like, no one's going to top this. Yeah, and it got lazy. It coasted. Tried doing cookies and cream. Get the fuck out of here.

Whoa, have you done the Hershey's cookies and cream, though? Ooh, that one's awesome. That's a fucking banger. Also, we don't have, like, Crunch and Hershey's bars. Hershey's should be on it. That's a classic. And I would also say, I'm back on classic M&M's recently. They're good. They're very good. Yeah, they help. Have you had the peanut butter ones? I love it. Phenomenal. Anything peanut butter, I'm on board with. I'll tell you what's underrated is a fucking, you ever have a Crackle? Oh, I love a Crackle. Crackle!

great. The bag of those, those little ones. I love that bag. Good bar. Yeah, that's the elite Halloween candy. Yeah. A bag of that mix. Yeah. Mr. Good bar and the Hershey bars. The variety. Look, he left. He got so mad at us.

We just lose Salicus? Oh, yeah. Sorry, dude. Have fun. Oh, hey. Have fun with Johnny Depp. I hope it's tasteful nudes. Johnny Depp photo shoot. Can I say that? Okay, okay. Wait, it's with Depp? Yeah. Wait, really? He's in New York? Oh, yeah. He's doing the trial. The retrialing. No. Tell him to come on the bonfire.

We've talked about him for... Tell him to come on the Podfire. Is he? Would he come on We Might Be Drunk? I'm going to tell him about it. I'll say I'm coming directly from We Might Be Drunk. But also let him know that we had a podcast during the pandemic called Sixth and Jump where we re-watched 21 Jump Street. That's a great idea, but I would open with We Might Be Drunk. Yes, yes. Yeah, but just let him know that the Bonfire is... It's available on SiriusXM, Channel 103, Monday through Friday. And We Might Be Drunk is available everywhere. So...

Just your option. Dude, tell him to have a spot of purple and just relax. Also, quote anything by Hunter S. Thompson and he'll love you. Oh, dude. Also, call him the good doctor. What does that mean? You like that? He just called him the good doctor. Tell him I think The Rum Diaries was his best work. It sucked. And it was an incomplete Hunter S. Thompson novel. Oh, they published it after he died.

All right. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, Dad. This is going to break the internet. This is going to be like Kanye and Tucker Carlson talking. This is going to be like Kanye and Pete. Yeah. All candy bars matter. Yeah. Yes. Now, can we get a year? What year is Snickers established? Or even M&M or Reese's? You know what M&M, how M&M got made?

They put a little bit in them because the candy shell, they could last longer. So they give them to the troops. So they put them in their lunch pails. So they're patriotic. That really is freedom. It's almost 100 years. Still going. How long with M&M's? It's 92. I bet M&M's is longer. 92 years. Yes, yes. Did you see how long it took me to do that, man? Yeah, I get it. I am dumb. Original M&M's, 41. 41. So Snickers right now. Wow.

How about a Hershey bar? That's got to be the longest. That's got to be... That's all American right there. Pennsylvania, baby. 1894. That should be on the list. Do you think... Out of respect, we should add a Hershey bar. Yeah, but you know what, though? That's like watching Lenny Bruce. Ah! You're like, I know it did a lot for us. That's pretty good. When I go back... But there needs to be a foundational piece. Yes, yes. I would probably go bonus as Hershey bars. Now, here's my question. Clark bar was...

150 years. 1761 was a Clark Mark. Reggie Jackson was the face of Clark Mark. Really? Really? Yankees, baby. They used to hate blacks. Obviously. When was Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? Because I wonder if it's going to be older than we expect or younger than we expect. It's going to be later. I'm thinking 60s, 70s. Oh, God. 1928. Oh, I was way off. Woo.

It's older than Snickers. Wow. It beats Snick. That's big. That's big. That is huge. We can't have Reese's in the top two. Reese was a former employee of Hershey, and he broke away. Damn. You got to love that. Then now there's friction between the Hershey's. I love it. Oh, man, look at this. Is there a good book on the candy bar wars? There's got to be. We're about to write one. Yeah. We're about to sit around eating candy and getting fat and then write a candy freak. It's like entourage. Yeah. I think Lizzo wrote it.

Well, I think we got a hot list here. That's pretty good. Candy free. Did we miss anything else? I mean, listen, we can get into it because, as I've told you, there's Hi-Chews, which are like Japanese Starbursts. I would expect you to say that dress is Yoshi. Is Skittles even in the running? I love Skittles. All right. I would put Skittles in my top five. Wow.

How about sour Skittles? Yeah, it's all Skittle. What about Jolly Ranch? Nah. Those are a little weak. Nah, those were better when you were a kid because you could hide candy. It was for hiding in class. Green apple and watermelon were dope, though. Watermelon Jolly Rancher fucking slaps. Very good when you infuse vodka with Jolly Rancher, by the way. That's true. Big thing.

I would also say, like, I mean, you could get fancy with the chocolate. You could go, you know, like Lindt. You ever had a Lindt? I don't know what a Lindt is. Lindt, L-I-N-D-T. Oh.

Jeremy Lind? Yeah, Jeremy Lind. He should have came out with, Lind should have came out with Jeremy Lindballs. Oh, Lind. Lind. Oh, shit. How do you say it? Lind? I don't know. I've never read it before, but I'm a dove man myself. God, dove chocolate is unbelievable. I know. This is like, this is 1% chocolate we're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. We're talking every man. This is Bezos shit. Yeah, this is on a boat in the China Sea. Now he's having shit we've never even heard of. That's true. He's having Mars chocolate, like actual Mars chocolate.

He's having like cacao healthy. Yes, yes. You know what's crazy? This actually makes me more ripped. This gives me muscle definition. No one knows about this yet. No one does. What is that circular gold ball? That candy? That's the Ferrero Rocher. Oh, sorry. Okay, I've never said that name out loud. You've never said out loud. You just devoured it. I'm too scared to say it. I got one for you. I get it. I can't believe we haven't mentioned it. I think it's a classic. The Butterfinger. Oh, that is a big one. Love a Butterfinger. What about Heath's?

A Heath bar. Heath is solid. Throw some Heath in coffee ice cream or vanilla ice cream. Throw some Heath in a fucking chocolate blizzard. Yeah. Or in a vanilla blizzard. Come get it. Is it hard to break in? Like, we invented a chocolate bar. This is what we're talking about, boys. You guys are getting in the hooch game. I know. Let's get over to this fucking sweet treats. You're right.

I'll tell you what. Just use my mind. Hook up wires to it, and I'll lay in a tub. Like weird science? Yeah. Or like Minority Report with the oracles. I'll just lay in a tub with other stoners and make them delicious things. You're laying in a tub of eggnog. Yeah, like, ah.

It's like a milkshake. It's an old milkshake. It's an old vanilla milkshake. Let's try the payday just so we... Because I feel bad that we... All right. I think we got to... If we're going to trash it, we have to try it. Well, get ready for something that was popular when Brown v. Board hit the fucking... Yeah, we should be in charge of abortion. I mean, look what we can do. Look at this shitty... It's just like old peanuts. Look at this shitty candy bar.

Look at this. Do you know what this is? This is dog food. This is Schlitz beer candy. Is it that bad? My dad likes Schlitz, or he likes Payday. It's all right. It's peanut butter and caramel. I want to try it. I haven't had this forever. You feed a horse when it wins, when it loses. You put a wreath on it and give it to Payday? It's not very good. No. Well, we have to know what we're trashing. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. I like that.

All right. Wow. I'm having a crash. Yeah, it's not good. No. Dude, I'm going to have cocaine energy on the bonfire. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah. Remember that one you lick and you dip it? Fun dip? Fun dip. That was fucking fire. Fun dip.

It's better than... You remember it better than it actually was. Remember Pixie Stix? Oh, that was coke. That was coke for kids. Yeah, all the kids you saw doing the Pixie Stix, all are dead now. Coincidence? Coincidence. They went Pixie Stix, autoerotic asphyxiation. To the kids that would make themselves pass out? Yeah. I did that. Remember that? Those kids now are just adding this to it. That's true. Ah.

That's great. I left the kid with a pig's dick and he's like, dude. Offering the teacher to suck his dick for a better grade. Come on, man. It ain't molestation if I touch you. Hit it, Peters.

Yeah! Oh, it's mushroom. Hell yeah. You hear when... That is like, I think, what a kid picture coming feels like. Yeah. It's like, I'm getting bigger. I'm gonna mushroom. That's what we're calling it now. I'm gonna mushroom. This is when you're... This is when you're fucking... All these sounds when you're banging. And then when you're just too early, it's...

Oh, that's the gun. Don't burn out. That's like, oh, you're so beautiful. Let me go down on you now. I'm so sorry. You're so beautiful. Your compliment's going to save him. It's so beautiful, I'm so sorry.

I'll never leave you. It's the only compliment followed by an apology. I know. It is a compliment, jizzing early. Yeah. Or the other one is like, my reload time is crazy. Don't worry. You make the false promises? That's a big one. Give me 30 minutes. 30 minutes, you always say. Let's throw on an episode of Seinfeld. Now that we're bearing down on 40, it really becomes like a, well, that's all we got. Yeah, give me until Wednesday. Yeah.

You're just an old sea captain now. You're from an Uzi to a fucking bazooka. Yeah. One shot. One shot. That's true. You're a sniper. Right. Take the shot. You miss, sorry. Can't hesitate. But you do learn precision. Yeah, you do. And to hold your breath. Yeah. You're like...

I used to date this gal. We kind of had a thing. And she was the only girl I knew. I'm not great in bed, but if you put it in, she'd be like, meh. And it was over, and you could just have your way. It was heaven on earth. What uncle primed her for life? Ha ha ha ha.

She was a SoulCycle chick, I remember. So I think the bike got her all primed up all day. That's it. And then I got over there and it was just easy peasy. That sees work in the clit. Then you come and you finish the job. She comes in. It was so easy. Like a cat in heat. Yeah. And I felt like what a girl must feel like. Like, oh, jeez, you're done. But the beauty is women can just...

stay there. Is that why women like cycling more than men? It's much more comfortable in the vagina than it is in the balls. Oh, probably. That's a great point. My question is, does she talk dirty like it's SoulCycle? Or is she like, okay, I've got a big one coming up. I need you to fuck, Mark. I need you to fart and fuck it. Get it.

Now pick up the weights. Yeah. Let's go. She's like, you don't need no man. I'm like, wait, what? Let's go team. Who else is here? There's a big black guy waiting behind me. Let's get this going. I feel like that's a good list. I know we threw it together fast. Solid. Schindler's list right here. Who are we saving?

I don't, yeah, I do feel bad. I think Starburst is a classic. I do feel bad having it all the way up here. All right, you know what?

Switch it with Twix. That's what I was thinking. I like that. Mark, do you agree? But you love Twix? I think Twix is a fun... I would say Twix is top five for me personally. Me too. Okay. Okay. All right. You know what the hell? I think Starburst just went against a lot of good biggie schools and... You know what? Yes. That is true. Starburst had a harder schedule. Yeah. Okay. But...

Twix is a fucking classic. Oh, you freeze a Twix. That's a good fucking candy bar, too. I thought the Twix candy bar was underrated, too. You know which one's great that my girlfriend does? What? Frozen Charleston Chew. I said that before. It's amazing. What the hell's a Charleston Chew? Oh, you pull on them, they're fucking... Charleston Chews are great. They're like chalky, though, a little bit. A little chalky. I guess when you freeze them, they kind of go... Yeah, the mini ones are bad.

Bad bitches. You got to update your package. That package is so dated. I love it. It's classic. Sweet Tart Rope, I'm going to tell you right now, the best candy on the market, and it's hard to find, are Sweet Tart Rope Bites. This shit, I will siphon gas for you. That's heavy duty. That's how good Sweet Tart Rope is.

Bites you can look Simon it with the rope well here's what the rope I saw these are the ropes sweet tart rope bites are little ones that are then rolled in sour sugar Jesus Christ nerds nerds are actually nerds blue sweet tart rope bites

Wow. It's pure. Can we get, Matt, can we get those next week? I just want to try them. I'm going to tell you where they sell them. LaGuardia Terminal C. Damn, that's a road dog right there. You know the Terminal Airport candy selection? Yeah, dude. We landed in Phoenix and Vito goes, this looks like a nice Shake Shack. I'm like, we have such sad lives. Yeah.

That's a nice one. A nice shake. That's hilarious. But yeah, if you go to the big market at LaGuardia Terminal C, the Delta, you can get some sweet tart rope bites. Because pretty much, they're off the shelves. Is it like a real rope? No, it's just a little bite. Oh, okay. And it's got the white, chewy shit surrounded by tart. Fuck, it's good. Damn. I think Twizzlers took a stab at this type of shit, too, like the sour. So did Airheads, and Airheads...

missed big time. Airheads back in the day though was a banger. I'm back on Airheads. Yeah. That was actually Halloween candy too. Airheads is great. This is a great sober episode. I'd get the big bag for Halloween that you could pack. They're the minis too, yep. Can I make a point that's not popular and I understand we're in Halloween right now?

Easter's the best candy holiday. Whoa. I'm more of a Passover man, but we get it. Chocolate matzo, bro. Listen, it's a goy's day for candy. No, the eggs are phenomenal. Really? You're putting these eggs over this? Mini eggs.

Mini eggs. The mini eggs are good. The eggs are good. Cadbury mini eggs. What about Kinder eggs? Kinder eggs are all right. Now, when you're checking out- Cadbury mini eggs are better than anything on this list. When I'm checking out at CVS around Easter, you best believe I'm grabbing a mini egg. The mini eggs are solid. I'll go full egg, too. I'll go full Cadbury egg. Whoa. Even the bunny?

I like. Oh, dude. Straight up chocolate bunny? Those Dunkin' Donuts fucking jelly beans, by the way, or dog shit. I got them. How are we not all 400 pounds when we've all tried this shit? What about oatmeal cream pies? Love them. You know they made an oatmeal cream pie? No, no, no. Cookies are fair. It's a sweet. It's Halloween. There's Fluffernutter in it. It's a candy. Hold on, though. But that's a whole different list. Oatmeal cream pie, which, by the way, made famous in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. That's right.

When they find it and feed the ant to that, that's how they control the ant. That's right. Through food. Oatmeal cream pie. We got COVID.

Katie and I got COVID at the same time. Is this the Utah Wise Guys COVID? Yeah. And we did GoPuff. That Mormon COVID. Yeah, it's that fucking multiple wives COVID. Yeah. You get COVID and then you soak inside your girlfriend. You're like, oh, don't move. We GoPuffed because they would deliver to your door. Whoa. And so we didn't have to have contact with anybody. GoPuff had for like

Four days, maybe five days, oatmeal cream, made by Little Debbie, oatmeal cream pie cereal. It was fucking awesome. That's a lot. It was fucking unbelievable. How little were they? They were like that big. Oh, that's fun. And they were airy, so you get the water in there. Ooh.

Oatmeal cream pie cereal. You're not going to find it on Amazon. It's not available. Whoa. I think they pulled it from the market. Whoa. Probably is going to give me cancer. We got to go to Mexico. We can find it at LaGuardia Airport, Terminal C. Hold on, smart guy. It's Terminal D. Smart guy. Uncle Who cereal? That's too much. No. That's enough.

Oh, there it is. Oh, you guys mind if I do this real quick? This looks like something you'd see in Times Square. This is weird. Or Japan. The Yoshi jerk-off. Yeah, yeah. First up. Guys, can I tell you guys what I'm really into? It's Yoshi jerk-off play. I catch my own cum. Matt Clipberry right now. Just Clip Soder jerking off at Yoshi. Yeah.

That's a gif. Dude. Irish potato. We were in the Delta Lounge and they have the, you know, they have chocolate chip cookies. I'm almost like, I know chocolate chip cookies are good, but it's like almost too, I've had too many. So I see a white chocolate macadamia, my fucking nipples get hard. That's me right there. White chocolate macadamia is my favorite.

favorite cookie of your It's so good. You get a fucking oatmeal cookie in there. Oh, not raisin. We took a red eye back. I love an oatmeal raisin. I don't understand the point of adding raisins to random bullshit like chicken salad or chocolate chips. It's the fruit of chocolate chips. And it's also stolen valor. What do you mean? What do you mean? Oh,

Because you're like, you're getting people from afar being like, I might be an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. Good point. I'll fucking go all day. It's like a trans person. Like, oh, I know what this is. Wait a minute. I need you to call my filling by what it's called. Yeah. And you're like, well, it's already in my mouth. Dude.

You're taking that red eye flight. There's something really sad about a red eye. We just want to get back. Oh, yeah. We're in that red eye. And we're just pounding desserts in the lounge. Yeah. And Vito's doing that thing where he's like, are you going to have another? I'm like, I'll do it if you do it.

Did you do this after the Saturday show? After the Sunday show. What? So we took a... Well, I just wanted to get back. So it was a 7 p.m. show. We take the 11 p.m. back. I'm impressed. I'm impressed. So, dude, I do the... Last chopper out of town. I do the upgrade. I'm trying to get the upgrade to first class, and I'm in line, and there's...

This has never happened to me before, but there's a guy trying to get on. He's trying to buy the last first class ticket. And they're like, sir, you have to wait. We have to see if him buying it go through. And he had a bit of a language difficulty. And I think it saved me getting that first class seat, brother. All right. Immigrants. Hell yeah. I think he was like, they were like, sir, it won't go through. And he's like, oh.

So we're shutting the door. Was it Spanish, Indian? I wasn't paying attention. Asian? I think it was French, but I did a Spanish guy. Yeah, because I don't know any French. Sam just wanted to do an us versus them. He wanted a standard us versus them. But I said, you know what?

They may be taking our jobs, but they're not taking our seats, brother. That's a good win. That's a very good win. You know, he didn't get on the flight. It was great. It was a great moment where she was like, sir, it won't go through. And I was like, and Vitor's like, did you get it? I was like, I voted the guy. You got it. And then you're like, get to the back.

between three people you're 28b now where are you guys on this because i know you're an animal guy you love animals my dog is one of my favorite things on this earth okay well this could get dicey because i was just on a plane and i noticed i looked on the seat map and i said oh 5a is open i'm taking it yeah i took 5a it moved me way up from like 22b sure get to 5a

There's a lady there, nice little lady, German Shepherd. No. Service dog. Yeah. Now, the service dog is sitting between the seats. Is the service dog an actual service dog? Was she blind? Nothing. Nah, I don't like that. I think it was an anxiety thing. Here's why I don't like that. I have a dog. Our dog probably weighs 50 pounds. She's a mutt.

She stays at home. Yes. Or driving. She came on the road with me. Okay, that's cool. Is it leaking over into your seat? Of course. Yeah, that dog, a German Shepherd's too big for a plane. It did the thing where he put his head on my thigh, which was cute. I love that, though. But I'm like, you're in my area. And I'm like, it should be in your area. Why is it in my area? Did I ever tell you this is how much I love dogs? That we were on the Impractical Jokers cruise, right? And Jay...

And I and Christine bought an ounce of weed and got it on the boat. And we like had spent the whole night rolling joints and putting it in a cigarette pack and we get it in.

And the first night we smoke weed. Everything's fine. I have a half a joint and a bunch of white chocolate macadamia cookies that I got from the fucking, you know, the kitchen or whatever. And that's what I had in my room. And I fell asleep watching the Carbonara effect or whatever it's called, because that's all they play is Impractical Jokers or whatever. So I leave it on the desk.

I go to sleep. We dock in the Bahamas. I wake up to the sound of a dog. And my first reaction is like, all right, someone brought a dog on this thing. Yeah. And it was a drug dog. Oh. And got right up to my door and started scratching. And I got in trouble. I didn't get like kicked off or anything, but I got in trouble. They took the cookies? They took the weed. There was no weed in the cookies. The cookies are legal. I thought it was a weed cookie. No, it was a regular cookie. Oh.

It was weed and regular cookies. They're just shitty drug dogs. You're like, we're taking these too. That's for the cops. But they did. I mean, I got in trouble because apparently the half a joint smelled enough that this dog got it. Whoa. Damn. But I love dogs so much that I was like, my first reaction was like, dogs. And then I was like, wow. Why are they searching? Why are they drug sniffing dogs? Because there was a lot of people that got in trouble. Oh.

It could have been Midnight Express for you, dude. I should have just jumped over the side. That would be funny if it was like Sal's in the back going, go into Soder's room. Go into Soder's room. Okay, now ask where the cookies are from. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Well, the dog is man's best friend until it's drug sniffing. Yeah. Then it flips, you know? He's a prick. Yes. He turns on you. But dogs on airplanes, man, that's like, and if you're moving, I get it. There's situations where I understand it. But most of the time, you're like, leave your dog at home. Yeah. There's all these studies now that- Or get someone to watch it. Or for trauma, though. Take it. If you just pet dogs, it stimulates brain activity. It's really good for you to- I get it. Do you ever see Dan St. Germain's-

joke about he got sober and he's like I knew I was in trouble because they were in a field teaching me how to pet a horse he's so underrated he's one of the funniest human beings alive hilarious yeah Dan St. Germain fucking rules when you relapse come on the show I'm joking I'm joking you ever hear Soder's bit about

He was on a date. He was about to kiss a woman and some homeless guy. He goes, don't kiss him. Oh, St. Germain's good? Yeah. Do you guys have a great one? Don't do it. Where he gets on an elevator. And he goes, best case, that's me from the future. Oh. That's great. It's gold. He has one about getting on an elevator with a little girl and like two flights in, she goes, I don't like him. I don't like that.

He's holding a pizza and then he leaves and she goes, I'm glad he's gone. That's what it is. I'm glad he's gone. I fucked that joke up. That was fucking hilarious. I'm glad he's gone. Dan St. Germain. He's like, I wasn't even doing anything. I was just holding a pizza. Follow Daniel, either Dan St. Germain or Daniel St. Germain. It's DSG, yeah, DS Germain. Yeah. Of course he is a fucking weird person.

Yeah, dude, he's so funny. Wrestle Roast is a great, if you're into wrestling, hilarious podcast where they just roast wrestlers. But he's a great comic. Oh, yeah, with Mike Lawrence? Yeah, Lawrence and Scott Chaplin. They got a great comic. Oh, I love those guys. Yeah, yeah, St. Germain's great. I had to sleep in the same bed with him once in a comedy fest, which, you know, I love the guy. We've known each other, but, you know, the lights go out and he's just quiet and he's like, you ever kill a guy?

Come on, I'm trying to sleep. We got into an Uber in Tacoma. We were going to a dispensary in Tacoma. We got in the Uber and immediately St. Germain just goes...

Hey, what's up with that Green River Killer? And it just looked like the guy was like, oh, yeah. I'm like, dude, this isn't the conversation I want to be in. He's one of those sweet guys who knows way too much about true crime. Oh, yeah. It's great. He's dark. He's the fucking man. I love Dan. He's the man. Yeah. He's such a great comedian, man. I know. He's at the cellar every now and then I see him, but who knows? I think he's writing for stuff. But yeah. All right. We got the list. We tackled Mario.

I think we're good. Do you have any peeves or rags or bits or anything? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The three things. I forgot my phone. Name the three things. I don't remember what it was. Pet peeve. Pet peeve is people who comfortably FaceTime in public. Oh, great one. If I can't see you react with a little grimace of like, I know, I know. Yes. Fucking dumb. Oh, with no headset even, you mean? Yeah, just loud. Oh, my God. I know. I know.

And out. Yeah. I'll be walking my dog and I'll see people just FaceTiming and I'm like, I'm hearing your whole conversation. Yeah. That doesn't bother you? It's even, I had a guy doing a flight next to me once, no headphones and his voice got like louder. Right. I do that. That's like crazy when you're just, you should at least be like, hey, what's up? Yes, that's all we ask for. That's the phone voice in public. I don't know what it is. You put me on speaker, I'm like, yeah, I'm right here. You want to make sure they hear it. But pet peeve is, um,

No remorse. Public FaceTime. Great. I love it. Love it. Why is a phone call? That's not great either, but it's still way more respectable than like a FaceTime. You know what? Because the FaceTime, they're going to see if I'm like in line behind someone. They're seeing me. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. I don't know.

Have you noticed that those people always get pissed off that you're like hearing their conversation? Yes, that's why it's my debut. Like you're in my world as well. Not only that, but it's like you're doing this to me. You know why it's shittier than a phone call? It's because it's a combination of talking on the phone and texting. Yeah. Because you're not looking live and you're fucking on the phone. So you're looking at the phone. None of your senses are there. Right. You're locked in. That's it. Good point.

Don't like it. All right. Don't like it. Good peeve. I got a peeve. I got a peeve for you. I was in line at Mamoon's last night. This person's asking a hundred fucking questions about the food. No.

And I was like, there should be a separate line for people who have questions and then a line for people who know what the fuck they're doing. Totally. There should be a novice line and a pro line. Yeah, because that's also the thing I loved about living in New York and learning how it worked was over time when we lived here that I could walk into a deli and be like, boop, boop, boop, boop, and then have my sandwich. Bacon, egg, and cheese, plain bagel, boom, I'm over to the side. Yeah. I got it paid for. I got my milk paid for, my chocolate milk.

I'm good to go. Well, the city has a rhythm. And when you're going up there, well, what does that one taste like? And how much for that one? You're breaking the whole system. Makes me think of that Russ Meneve bit where he's like, I tried to get a pizza bagel because I was hungry. And the lady said, what happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened. I woke up in my apartment and I was hungry. And then I came here for a pizza bagel. He's been quoted on this podcast a lot. He's got some bangers. Yeah, dude. All right. After Peeve, what was it? Rick.

Recommendation. Recommendation. I'm not finished with the book, but I'm reading a classic that's so good. Why hasn't anyone told me this book? East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Oh, yeah. That is a classic. I don't know. I never did, actually. You would like it. Steinbeck's a beast. What a good fucking book. It's thick, but

But it's like I'm halfway through and I'm like, I enjoy when I start reading it. Really? Which is very rare. Yeah, it's just about like about these two brothers and this fucking psychopath lady. And that's where I'm at. And one of them married her and the other one fucked her. It's fucking crazy. How do you write a book? Like a fiction book. But that's what's crazy is Steinbeck's like...

this is like, he's like, this is my best one, but he's also got grapes or wrath. This is like our specials for them. Yeah. Right. Mice and men too. Of mice and men. He's got the pearl. He's got like, he's got travels with Charlie. He's got so many good books. He's got a lot of good ones too, but east of Eden, that's the one I'm reading right now. The one all the way to the left from Amazon. I bought it and, uh, it's fucking great. Why? What made you buy it? Uh,

There was a quote that I saw somewhere where it was like, I don't need to be perfect, so now I can be good. And I was like, oh, I like that. And I was like, what's that from? East of Eden? And I love Steinbeck. And I was like, I've never read East of Eden. So I ordered it. Amazon shows up the next day.

Started reading it. I was like, this is fucking good. I love a good quote. There's something fun about reading a classic, too. Oh, yeah. We're like, well, even if I don't love it, I'm going to be glad I did it. Yeah. Yes, yes. So true. But I love to hear a quote, and you're like, that grabbed me.

Yeah, exactly. Not the whole book. And that, you know, I think we live in the age right now where everyone acts perfect and everyone acts like, ah, there's too many goats. Everyone's calling everyone a goat. Everyone's a goat. You can't. Goat means one. The greatest of all times. You can't be... I saw someone put out a tweet where they're like, a podcast with a couple future goats. And you're like, that's incorrect. That doesn't make sense. That is incorrect. Only one of them can be the goat. Only one of you. Well, now it's turned into, yeah, when people say a few of the goats. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

I've been saying on stage, it's like the way that right wing people, right wing people use the word Patriot, the way hot girls use the word literally. I don't think, I think you're just using that because it makes you feel good at this point. Yes, yes, exactly. Literally. I'm like, I believe it happened. Right. And then the right, like hard writers are like,

I'm a patriot. I got it. You love America. Anytime someone texts me an American flag emoji, I'm just like, on Rogan, I said how much that bugged me. Whenever someone will send me an American flag emoji or when they have that in there, there's something about the flags that bug me. And now everyone tweets flags at me all day. I think that's very funny.

That's very, very funny. And I'm like, it was pretty good. I walked into that one. I deserved it. But you got a lot of range. I mean, this guy can jerk off as Yoshi and eat his own cum and read Steinbeck. Wow, let's go. What a catch. And he can do impressions. The Salinas Valley. Oh, there you go. Come on.

I got to pee. Now, this one's a little bit more general, but I can't stand when people watch me eat. When someone's not eating and I'm eating, and they're like, boy, you're really inhaling that thing. Boy, hey, look. You like mayo on there? Really? You go mayo, huh? Do you go to gas stations and talk about how they pump their cars? Yeah, exactly. You go, wow, that's a lot of unleaded. Right, right. You're eating a burger like the tomato comes out. Like, oh, you lost that tomato. Yeah, yeah, I got it.

I know. Stop watching me. Who are you, fucking Al Michaels? This is a play-by-play. I hate, it's an intimate thing to be eating. It's very annoying if someone, it's like literally, it's like one step away of someone commenting on you fucking. You're feeding. Yeah. Right. That's you feeding. Right.

So it's like, don't watch me feed. Yeah, and there's those weird little moments where you get a little ketchup over here, and you're like, oh, shit, and I see all that. It's too much. It's too intimate. Yeah, Bobby Kelly was on the bonfire yesterday. Oh, he eats. No, not anymore. Now he looks great. He looks good. Oh, okay. He looks great. He lost like 50 pounds. Whoa. I think he lost over that. Over? Yeah, and he looks great. Pull him up. And Jay and I got pizza in between our shows, and we were eating, and Bobby's like, see, this is why I'm a good friend, Jay. You got something in your beard. I'm like, it just happened.

It just happened. He might have caught it. That's why you're a bad friend. You're eating pizza in front of a guy who's clearly on a diet. Yeah, no. Yeah, that was probably the mean part. But look at him. He looks good. Oh, he looks totally different. Yeah, even the face looks different. No, thank God. Thank God he did that. Good for him. Dude, he got into it. We'll have him on here soon. We were in a revolving door. His new special, by the way, is awesome. It's on louisck.com. Killbox. It's called Killbox. Yeah. Louisck.com.

But he, Bobby got into the rotating door with me as a joke. Oh, really? And we got through. I went, Bobby, I'm so proud of you. Don't ever do that again. Right. But I'm so proud of you for doing it. Wow. He looks, he's like Brando in the Island of Dr. Moreau. Holy shit. Holy shit. Oh, my God. What is this, The Freshman? Yeah.

He looks so good, dude. Damn. I'm so proud of Bobby, dude. Good for him. We'll have Bobby. I mean, does anyone kill like Bobby? No. Like the laughs and the bananas. One of the worst experiences comedically of my life was I ran my hour before HBO at Edinburgh. At Edinburgh. At the Fringe Festival. And then went to Vegas to do The Cellar Vegas. Mm-hmm.

We're out there for a bachelor party, and I was like, I'll stay and work the weekend. And Bobby was taping Netflix's Degenerates. Oh, wow. And Liz put me after Bobby every night. Wow. Of him running his Degenerates. Oh, my God. So it's not like it's TV clean. Yeah, he's filthy, and he's murdering. He's filthy, and it changes.

The hardest follow there is, is a filthy killer. That's true. And it was, dude, it was like, I would go up there and you just felt the room. You know how you can feel it? Not that he's filthy, but it's like- You know when you can feel it crackling like a fire has been put out? Oh, yeah. And everything's, dude, I bombed four shows. Wow. And then, you know, Bobby's like, you fucking pussy, what, you can't follow me? Yeah. And Liz is like, you fucking schmuck, you stink. And the whole time I was like, this is-

It was brutal, dude. Wow. You got to love that about Liz. She's the manager of the cellar for those at home. We'll get her on for Bobby's head. We should get her on. Liz is the fucking best. She never changed. The cellar has changed a little. It's gotten more inclusive and all that, but Liz is still like, I'm going to be a hard-nosed cunt until the end. I love it. I don't give a shit. But when you win her over,

When you win her over? Oh, she's the best. And she's the most loyal person on the planet. Yes. She will just trash you all day, but if there was ever a jam, she's got you. Oh, yeah. She helped me. I did like a, you know, after you tape a special, you're like, I'm supposed to do something. I taped a special in New York, so I was like, I'll have an after party. And she was like, do it at the Fat Black. I'll help you out.

We'll do this. And she, like, organized it. And I was like, this is so easy. Yeah. I've taped multiple things at this cellar. Yeah. You know, like, albums, specials. And she organized it all. Yeah. We do live bonfires every Christmas because of her. She's the best. And it's crazy. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, you know, when you see like a show, there'll be that character who's like really nice, but is full of shit. Yeah. She's the mean one who actually is a heart of gold. That's exactly. So true. Where you're like, is this person mean? And then you're like, oh, no, she's the best person. Yeah. It's unbelievable. It's part of the it's part of the vibe. But it keeps the seller the seller. Liz keeps the seller. Yes. You're a little scared of her in a good way. And the new people being afraid of her. I like it.

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, shut the fuck up. Yes. She never takes a day off. Never. They better be paying her well because she could be making- I don't think they are. I don't think they are. I asked her once. She was like, ugh. We need to do a podcast and a Patreon and then just give that money to Liz. Yeah. Like, this is for you keeping the integrity of the podcast.

of the cellar together. The cellar is the cellar because of Liz. It really is. Absolutely agree. Vitor did his album in Vegas only so we could call it Vitor Las Vegas. That was literally the only reason why I did it in Vegas but we all went out there. We like, you know, supported. He filmed like 10, 20 minutes. Oh, that was the weekend. What? That was the weekend I was out

there. Oh, really? Did we see you? No, because you guys came Thursday, Friday. You guys were like Wednesday, Thursday. Yeah. Yeah, because I came out Friday, Saturday. Oh, okay. Well, it was Ari, it was List, it was Fun and Vecchione and Liz is out there every night watching Veeder with a clipboard and going like, okay, that joke killed. And she did all the legwork and she loved

it it was like a spreadsheet it was she's one of those people that needs to be doing shit yeah and i i one of us has got to make her an executive producer of something so she can have fuck off money now you're talking someone needs to put her if you're another comic watching this and you know liz and you have a big tv show coming up give her a producer credit so she can have fuck you money the sad thing though is she got too much money she might leave the cellar yeah which we need her there too so it's kind of a tough god

How do we keep her indentured? Yes. Yes. No, she once told me even if she was like hit it filthy rich, she would still like work for like the Dania Beach Improvisation. And just work. She's like, I need the stimulation. There's something to do. She's one of those people that, you know those people that like they can't retire. Yeah. Because the second they retire, they'll drop dead. Yeah, it's like Paterno. The second he had to stop working, he fucking died. And she used to watch me shower. Yeah.

And I used to fuck kids. You'll bleep that so YouTube doesn't pull this. Oh. Oh.

Dan Soder, everybody. Let him hear it. Dan Soder, we love you. You're the best. I love you guys. Plug some dates. I got Nashville Zanies coming up. I got Philly Helium coming up. I got... When is this coming out? October. Halloween. October 30th, right? So November and December, I've got Zanies. I've got... Oh, Comedy Castle. Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Another great club. Classic. And Philly Helium. Also, two shows. Bell House...

in December in Brooklyn gonna have a very fun show that's gonna be Saturday I believe December 20th hell yeah Bell House New York and Dan St. Germain's gonna be there gonna have some other friends come through or Mike Racine

Oh, nice. Oh, looking good there. Wait, Soder just, I mean, uh, St. Germain just texted you? Yeah. Oh, did he really? Yeah, so there it is. He's drunk in a tub and he's naked. Zany's Nashville, Comedy Castle, and Houston Improv. Oh. Never done it. Oh, it's a banger. That's a great club. Yeah, December 1st through the 3rd, and then Bell House in New York, December 10th. Love it. Uh, two shows at the Bell House, Philly, Helium after that. So, danceoder.com. Maybe our liquor partner, Chris Hart, will go see you. Yeah, go see him. Okay. Ah,

All right. I'm all over the road. This comes out later. You got to hit that puppy there. Shit. Oh, I'm doing Houston as well. The Joy Theater in New Orleans. The Wilbur in Beantown. New Haven. More Wilbur. Fillmore in Philly. Buffalo Helium. That's going to be a tough slog. Toronto again. Cobbs, baby. Cobbs in San Francisco. Always want to do Cobbs. Never done it. You never done it? No. I'm excited. Have fun, and then I'll see you back at the Punchline.

Oh, damn. Okay. It's the same owner. All right. Nashville. Hawaii. That'll be interesting. A lot of fun dates. Come on out. Got a lot of stuff coming down. We're doing... Sammy. Brunswick. OKC. Springfield, Missouri. Fort Wayne. Kansas City. Tacoma. Spokane. New York.

Theater tour just went on sale starting in January. That's New Orleans, Austin, Dallas, Tulsa, Missouri, St. Louis, Missouri, Vegas, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Salt Lake City, Huntington, AC, Royal Oak, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, New Haven, Boston, Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Virginia, Charlottesville, D.C., Wilkes Bar, and Port Chester.

Hell yeah. SamRowe.com slash shows. Get fucking tickets now. Yeah. We love you. And buy BodegaCatWhiskey.com and watch all of our specials. Soda's got a great HBO special. Son of a Gary. His Netflix half. He's got Comedy Central special. Watch HBO. That's the only one I'll claim. No, you're a killer. HBO, I'll kill it. You're a killer. Check him out. One of the best New York comics. Norman's, I'm sure, going to tape something soon. Yeah, out to lunch. Check that out.

Get the bodega. Same time tomorrow, Netflix. Get a shirt. Yeah, watch Sam's Netflix. Netflix special. Praise Allah. Beer, too. Anything to plug here? Still say less. If anybody needs... I just started my own little consulting agency for bars and restaurants. So pay-per-play at NYC. There you go. I love it. For all your bar and restaurant needs. And check out Gotham Studios. Yeah. And if you got a problem with this list...

Tweet about it. Start your own chain. Let's get the internet cooking. Thank you. I'm out to lunch here in New Brunswick.