Ep 98: Steve-O
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Hey everybody, here we are. We might be drunk. Good to have you. Sam's hungover, Steve-O's sober, and we lost the Peruvian dog. You found that dog in Peru? I did. And I was videoing as I found her. Like I approached her with the camera rolling and I just kept filming the whole time I was in Peru. This is where I found her, in the streets of Peru. And I put together this video about how we fell in love and how I brought her home with me to America.

And that fucking video got more views than anything I've ever put on the internet. That's the internet. It's a slippery bitch. You can't predict it. Yeah, well... You never know. I'll tell you, it was... That dog's a slippery bitch. It ran away from us. Yeah, right? It was a real kick in the nuts to learn that after...

A lifetime of attention whoring. Exactly. I just couldn't come up with a goddamn thing better than rescuing a dog. You put a Hot Wheel car up your ass. You know, a couple views, but this, you can't beat it. Those are the things you think of that pop, though, on like TikTok or YouTube. It's like...

Self-harm for animals, right? Yeah. I mean, anything with animal cats, my girl's into cat stuff, and that all just blows up. Yeah, my girl actually just scrolls and scrolls and scrolls nothing but animals. Wow.

Yeah. There you go. Because you know what? There's so much hatred and vitriol just being spewed on Twitter and all this shit. And then you see a little cat and you're like, oh, the world's not awful. Yeah. Kind of nice for bestiality people because they're like, oh, I love animals. You know, you have an out. That's kind of convenient. I never thought about that. Oh, man. I'm a fan. I'm a fan.

I'm a fucking man. Obesityality? Hey, you think that does well, just rescuing a dog. Yeah. Fucking a dog. That's going through the roof. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you guys gave me this annoying homework. You know, I have to come up with all this different stuff. I was thinking about how do we do a bit about fucking a dog? Yeah.

I tried to write a bit years ago about how we make fun of bestiality people, but we talk about women as if they're animals. She's a fox. She's a hot chick. That's a cougar. Or if she's ugly, that's a dog. She's a pig. We always go back to animal. Right. Okay. Russ Menevious have a great bit where he said, doggy style, that's too kinky for me. I like human style. That's when I put my dog on his back. Ah, that's funny.

That's a great joke. Great little mystery. Great. Russell Peters. Russman Eve. Oh, okay. I was going to say. Russell Peters. That doesn't involve an ethnic person or an accent. Yeah, man. So you're in New York just hanging? Promoting my book. That's right. The book. Yeah. I have a book. It's my second book. It's called A Hard Kick in the Nuts. New York Times bestseller. I sure hope so. That would be...

I would be mortified if it's not, but we don't receive official word about that for another, presumably, a week. Uh-huh. Did you ever think you would write one book, much less two? I did. I did. I'm such a rabid attention whore, and always have been, that I kind of just viewed my life as...

Something that I was doing so that it would be a really crazy book. Hell yeah. Wow. You got everything. What I've learned from a lifetime of terrible decisions. Yeah. I love that. It's a book of wisdom. Get on it, folks. Unfortunately, memoir part two I learned is not a thing. Right. So you got to have some kind of an angle on it. So I went with a book of wisdom gleaned from a lifetime of terrible decisions. Yeah. Is that part of your sobriety?

Is what part of my sobriety? The bad decisions? I have managed to make awful decisions in sobriety, yeah. That's impressive. Yeah, for sure. I love it. I love a good bad decision. I know, but the sobriety part sucks because you can't blame it on drugs or booze, you know? That's it, you know, like the book has its fun, it's funny, and it's serious as well. And...

That plays into the serious part that it's a motherfucker when you're a piece of shit And you don't have drugs and alcohol to blame. Yeah, that's hard. Did you do the whole rehab thing or did you just? Oh, yeah. Oh you did. I did. I did. It started, the sobriety started with an intervention which was organized and led by Johnny Knoxville. It's the funniest intervention of all time. That was one of my first jokes.

you know, in standup was, uh, you know, you've got a problem when your interventionist is Johnny Knox. Right. Right. You walk in a bucket of waterfalls on your head. Come on, man. We need to talk. Wow. So what, what, what was the drug of choice? Uh, I was,

I was what we referred to as a garbage can. So that's everything? Fairly non-discriminate. I never did heroin and I never smoked crack. But other than that, I was indiscriminate. Never really got into meth, but at the same time, I never turned it down. Gotcha. That's pretty good. I feel like there's a lot of crackhead comedians and actors out there.

And then heroin, you never did that. I think you're doing all right. Right. That was what I learned from my first time in rehab in 1995. Oh, multiple times. Yeah, 1995. I was only 20 years old. I was on a string of bad luck. I ended up in rehab totally by mistake. And what I learned in there was, wow, crack is bad. Yeah.

So is heroin. Yeah, David Cross talked about doing crack in his book, and he said, like, he did it once or twice, never did it again, but he gets why it's so popular. He's like, you feel great. I mean, I understand. It's absolutely delicious. Yeah. Crack is great. Crack is, like, kind of... No, that's tough. I mean, that's... You see people on the street, and you're like, well, you're not doing great advertising for crack. Right. You know, or meth or whatever. I mean, I don't like drugs where you're just always on the drug.

I like that moment with Hangover Sure, like, I am a piece of shit. I hate myself. Let me text a friend. The dude who's on meth is not waking up the next day like, did I almost rob and rape someone last night? Right. If you don't have that moment of clarity. Yeah, you just keep going. Yeah. That's got to be tough. Yeah, I remember that first rehab. It was always everybody was in a circle sharing their feelings. Yep. And on...

Just about every day, there was somebody who left and somebody who arrived. And the arrival entailed walking up to the circle and introducing yourself and stating what your drug of choice was. Okay. And I really quickly got the impression that whenever anybody said their drug of choice was crack...

everybody's priority was making sure that that fucking person was not their roommate. Whoa. Wow. Like, I don't just, I don't, like, they would avert eye contact. It's like, I don't want, like...

Why is that? Because just coming off it was a nightmare? That and just like... It's a bad personality type? Just a bad person that I don't want to have to deal with. You hear that, Tom Sizemore? The piece of shit? He was about to crack it. Right. And I also got the sense that when people's drug of choice was heroin, they didn't walk up to the circle. They were more like kind of carried into the...

And then we would meet them in a couple of days. Right, right. They were a zombie. Wow. That's crazy. So it's like the movies with the circle and the, it was very, did you share your feelings even as a 20 year old? Yeah. I remember then, uh,

I would always introduce myself as, I'm Steve-O, and I'm an alcoholic, or whatever it was. They knew you, though. Yeah. Oh, that's even weirder. Oh, no, no, they didn't know me in 1995. Okay. But I was introduced myself as Steve-O. Got it, got it. Yeah, now I'm a little bit more...

I try not to be Steve-O in those circles and the recovery community out of respect, I feel like. Sure. You're not supposed to use a stage name. Yeah. I'm the amazing Jonathan. Exactly. That's fascinating that you went at such a young age. It didn't stick. It didn't stick back then.

If you can believe it. It was when I was 33 that I got sober. Okay, that's pretty good. Really fucking good, man. Yeah, congrats. That's the thing with addiction is that it's a motherfucker if you just kind of have it. If you're an alcoholic...

But it's not so bad. Yeah. You know, it can continue. Yeah. It just kind of turns into quicksand. It just slows you down. It fucks up your relationships. It precludes you from like really realizing your potential. Right. But it's not so bad that it needs to be addressed. Exactly. So it just continues and continues.

continues and the years turn into decades and then the next thing you know you're an old dude and you're just fucking sitting there and like fuck I blew it so true yeah when it eats away at just a little it's almost worse than if you have a rock bottom moment oh my god I'm so fortunate that I had it so goddamn bad I was just like it was so not okay the way I was carrying on that it had to be addressed and so you know it's the only disease like

Where you become a better version of yourself. Any other disease, the best you can hope for is to be restored to the health you enjoyed before you got sick. Right. But when we treat alcoholism and addiction, we actually become a better version of ourselves than we ever were before. It's unique in that way. Because you think the gratitude as well? I think the gratitude. I think that... That...

You know, it's like a spiritual solution. You know, we kind of get plugged in. We make sure we're doing the right thing when nobody's watching. That's like the big deal. What about sex addict? That's a tough one. It's a tough one. Yeah. It's a tough one, but I would maintain the same thing. If anything, I think the sex addict is almost...

almost a heightened example of that because when you bounce back from the kind of shame

and guilt, you know, that can be associated with sex addiction, then you're coming out of that with like a level of humility and, you know, and like precision care for doing the right thing. Yeah. I think most guys think they're a sex addict, but then they come and they're like, I'm not.

You know, like I've had that thought. I'm like, maybe I'm addicted to sex. Then it's like, no, of course. I mean, you were actually, but did it go hand in hand with the other addictions? I would say like my life played out at like sort of an addiction whack-a-mole, you know, a game of whack-a-mole. Like one, you know, address one thing and the other thing just rears its head, you know, like.

I had to address the sex stuff when I was well into sobriety. Yeah. And that was crucial, man. I mean, if you think about it, like...

As far as like falls from grace, you know, like just absolute like devastation of people's careers, their reputations, livelihood, very little competes with sex as far as just taking down huge people. Oh, for sure. For sure. Army Hammer.

Yeah. He's gone. That's a bummer. What about food addict is tough, too, because you have to eat. You don't have to do heroin. You have to eat to stay alive, so that's a bummer. That's where I'm at now. You got food? I'm in and out of the food thing. Dude, I've never appeared to be somebody who's got a problem with food, but man...

Sugar's a motherfucker. It really is. I remember when the Joaquin Phoenix Joker movie came out. This is him thinking like... He's in it. Ah, dude, epic. I'm thinking it was like 2019 when it came out. Yeah. Like...

I sat in that fucking theater with an entire tub of caramel popcorn and a jumbo pack of fucking red vines. And I sat there and like took a huge bite of red vines. And then as I chewed it, like filled my mouth with caramel popcorn.

To chew it all in concert together. It's like a speedball. You're mixing drugs. Yeah, and I found it to be the most fucking delicious shit I've ever eaten. That's pretty good. And I did not stop until I'd eaten the entire tub of popcorn and the whole jumbo pack of red vines. And I was like...

I have a problem. It's crazy to be watching that guy on screen and be like, I'm sick. I've got a problem. Phoebe Herman's next to you going, this guy's got to get his act together. That guy got a bum rap. Yeah, he did. Our boy Ronon has a great joke about it. We owe him a big apology because he was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing.

In that movie theater. Right. A hundred percent. Yeah. But I get, I mean, the sugar addiction, like you feel the sugar high sometimes. Sometimes I'm trying to behave on the road. Like Mark and I are well-behaved drinkers. So that's, it is a problem. Well, I,

I mean, to be fair, let's not characterize you guys as having alcoholism a little bit. Right? I mean, it's sort of either I have alcoholism or you don't. Right. And it seems evident to me that you guys are not having problems, you know? It's affecting stuff. Yeah. Yeah. You know, beat my ex. No. But...

It's all, you know, degrees and levels. Sure, sure. And I think it's evident to me that you guys are functioning at a very high level and that nothing I was saying about quicksand applies to you guys. Oh, geez. I definitely heard that and I was like, that might be. Yeah.

I had a late night laugh. And I'm definitely one of those people that, like, my friend texted me. He's like, that was so fun last night. And I was like, I was fucking wasted. And he was like, you were? And I'm like, oh, that's not good. That's not good. Better than you were there? I wasn't like, I was, I just felt like I blacked out. But I was like, oh, I was drunk. Right. Whoa, shit. Where were you? I didn't see you. Yeah.

I cancel spots. Oh, well, there you go. I need a night off. Yeah, I get it. We work very hard. I've been burning the road hard. We go hard on the road. Yeah, I was hearing that, like five different spots a night. Yeah. At a certain point, it's not even helping, though. At a certain point, you're like, what are we doing? Yeah. Definitely not. I mean, I believe strongly in...

doing some 10 minute spots when I'm putting a show together. Yeah. You know, like right now I'm in the swing of a tour. The last fucking thing I wanted just to do, you know, small sets at a low, you know, like I'm not hurting for stage time at all. I'm fucking touring my dick off. Yeah.

And soon enough, I will be putting together the chunks of the next hour. Nice. Man, you're burning the midnight oil. You got a hot sauce, a book, a podcast, and you're on the road, and you have a dog. Yep. The butthole destroyer hot sauce. Yeah, that's my name.

new and hotter version of steve-o's hot sauce for your butthole i just put a drip of it on my wrap and it smells really good check out the top three ingredients oh here we go fentanyl wow and chili peppers wow oh damn good band uh scorpion

Yeah, the top three ingredients are the three hottest peppers in the world. What? Carolina Reaper. That's a MAGA. It's a NAGA Jaloka, which I think is the technical term for ghost pepper. Oh, really? Wow. Carolina Reaper Chili Reaper. Carolina Reaper is the hottest. So this will fuck you up. It's designed to fuck you up. Yeah, it was hot. I put a dab in it. Dude, there's this guy named Johnny Scoville on the internet. Oh, I know Scoville.

He fucking chugs an entire goddamn bottle of that shit. Chugs the whole thing and he's just sitting there chilling. Unreal. That's fucking spicy. It's really spicy, yeah. It's good. It's really good. Well, thank you. A dash on your eggs might be nice. Very good. Yeah. I mean, it's like whenever I'm out,

of the original steve-o's hot sauce for your butthole yeah that's the only time i use this shit and when i use this shit i'm so careful to pour tiny drops oh yeah what about the uh have you done hot ones i have i've done it a couple times that guy can take some heat he can he can okay okay he can you think you're tougher i don't think i'm tougher

I do think that they are a little bit, they could go hotter on that show. Oh, really? I do believe that's the case. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I love that fucking guy, Sean Evans. Yeah, great interviewer. I love that fucking guy. I love that show. To this day, my most viewed interview I've ever done, I believe, is my first hot one.

Oh, nice. It's amazing how everyone tries to come up with these crazy ideas and then you're like, we eat hot wings. That's the show. And talk. Yeah. That's it. It's amazing, too, how the format endures. You would think that it would be like kind of get played out, you know, like...

they just do the same fucking thing and, and, uh, well, we like seeing people in weird, like, it's fun seeing Paul Rudd, like, oh God, I'm dying here, you know, because you never get to see, they're always cool as a cucumber. It's vulnerable. It's a vulnerable thing. Right. I remember my first time on there, I was like, so determined. I knew it had a huge audience. I knew that Kevin Hart had done it before me. I knew that like,

I was like, man, I'm going to be talking to a lot of people when I do this interview. And like, I was just belligerently refusing to let the heat of the wings preclude me from communicating effectively. Hell yeah. I fought through it. And just, bah. Yeah. And then after I was done, I went and took a piss in some bushes and my dick was on fucking fire. Yeah, because you touched the wings, right? Oh, yeah.

You got to dip it in oat milk or something, right? My dick was burning like a motherfucker because I took a piss in some bushes after. Ha ha!

You're like, the chlamydia's back. Damn it. Wow. I'm fascinated by the sex addiction. What does rock bottom with a sex addiction look like? Oh, man. Do you fuck a cantaloupe and you're like, I can't keep doing that? What is it? That's the case. I'm going to rehab tomorrow. I've fucked every object in my home as a child. You guys didn't do that? The couch? Yeah, I did it. All right.

I mean, it- Sister, you know. Grandma would come over, like, don't sit there, don't sit there. Yeah, exactly. It, I mean, it depends, man. In general, like the, I would say the definition of addiction is when you continue a behavior despite there being serious consequences for the behavior. Mm-hmm.

And, you know, with sex addiction, I think more often than not, the consequences are just generally shame. You are ashamed of yourself and you just hate the way it feels and you keep doing it anyway. My particular pattern was involved like really...

pouring on the charm to get like a woman really into me and then like sort of you know acting out sexually and then losing interest in ghosting you know it's just like there's this terrible kind of sociopathic pattern of just like

routinely harming people. Right. It just made me feel like the fucking worst piece of shit ever. Especially when they're like, hey, what are you doing? You're like, oh, I'm done with you already. Right. Yeah. For sure. And, you know, and like the constant anxiety of like the health risks associated. Sure. That's fucked up too. You weren't wearing a condom either? I was really pretty damn good about it. About, about.

you know, acting out sexually in a responsible way. Were you more scared of STDs or knocking someone up? I was way more scared of STDs than knocking someone up. You can get rid of a baby. You can't get rid of herpes. Some of those states it's a little harder. That's true. That's a tougher phone call in Missouri than, you know. But there were exceptions, man. There was, you know, there's one particularly horrifying thing

story that I recount in my new book, which I'm super reluctant to share right now because my fiance is sitting over here. Oh, hello. But I

But, you know, and I had told this same story on Mark Maron's What the Fuck podcast, like, years ago. Okay. And all of a sudden, I just had this fucking panic attack and reached out to the producers of Mark Maron's podcast saying, please, please fucking cut out that story I told about so-and-so. Right. And then I went and put it in the book. And what it was... Smart. Was...

I mean, really, and it's basically the answer to the rock bottom question. You know, it was one of those exceptions to the rule where I was having unprotected sex. And it was a situation where I had a...

This woman I met on tour, we arranged her to fly in. Oh, boy. She was staying with me for, I don't know, like four or five days. Wow. And we were, as the exception to the rule, just going ahead and having unprotected sex. Yep. And about halfway through the visit, she just casually tells me that her last relationship was with a guy...

Whose last relationship was with a guy and I'm like, oh shit. Okay So now I just landed in the fucking highest possible risk category Her last partner was a dude who has sex with dudes which is like by far and away The highest risk category. I'm freaking the fuck out uh-huh

I mean, I'm just not okay. I remember, like, as soon as she said this, I was like, oh, I gotta go walk the dogs. You know, I'm fucking walking the dogs. I'm freaking out. I'm Googling the scariest statistics. You know? And when I get back to the apartment, I'm like...

Well, like, you know, I already did it. You know, like. Yeah, might as well live with it. Well, no, I already did it. You know, there's no, like, might as well do it again. And that was the moment where I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, wow. You know, like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah. And I was just like, that was literally. It's literally like you got poison. You're like, I'm going to finish the dish. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And I mean, that's how fucked up it was. And that was specifically... I remember I drove that girl to the airport so that she could fly home and I went racing to the doctor's office like, oh my God, I need to be... And in equal...

reached out to somebody I knew who was in the sex program and was like, dude, like enough is enough, man. I need fucking help. And that was where the journey began. So how is it living with AIDS? Fortunately, I've been tested many, many times in the years since that happened and seem to have gotten away with it. Hell yeah. Yeah. A heist. So it was a...

Not an expensive lesson. A valuable lesson. There you go. Not a costly one. There you go. Yeah, that's... And there we have it. My girl is sitting over there now. The scary part of the book that she's afraid to read. She doesn't have to read it. She's heard it now. Hey, there you go. Look at that.

Oh, I did? You were drunk. I've told that story before. How about that? I did not know that. I honestly thought that you were hearing that for the first time.

there you go okay how about that i got points for being considerate yeah yeah that's uh that's a addiction is tough man i mean you tell that story and i'm like oh man that's uh like i i feel the shame like i understand how you the fear and i mean it's got to be crazy you walking into like a clinic though and they're like is that fucking steve-o do you have that moment where they're like that's fucking the dude from jackass yeah i mean i remember uh

I remember the, like, really weirdly, like the one doctor that there were a couple of times I went running to this doctor like, dude, you know, and the doctor is a gastroenterologist.

Who is the one doctor that I have like an ongoing and regular relationship with because I have an esophageal condition called Barrett's esophagus. Okay. Which is legitimately scary. It's often like develops into like esophageal cancer.

And so, like, it's kind of a precursor to esophageal cancer and as such needs to be, like, really closely monitored. So, I get what's called endoscopies where they put a camera down and check it out. It's since become a stable condition.

It's not like they're like, oh, you're good. Like no more endoscopy. It's not yearly endoscopy anymore. Now it's like we'll check you in three years. So that's good news. But yeah, when like my freak out over STD scares sent me running to the gastroenterologist and it's not the kind of like office where it's like,

Oh, I saw Steve-O at that place. Is that, I assume that's esophagus. And is that smoking caused or just hereditary? You know what? I don't fucking know. I'm not, I think, I do know that acid reflux is a big contributor to it. Yes, exactly. My friend has it. He has cobblestone throat, Joe. And he can't have spicy food. He can't have caffeine. He can't have mint. Oh, God. There's all these things. I just sent him like four cases of this hot sauce. That's it.

That could fuck him up. But yeah, years of eating shit. Yeah. Damn. Catches up. I'm fascinated because it's like you've lived kind of on the edge for so long in so many ways. Not just like this stuff, this outside stuff, but your career is kind of on the edge. Do you think they're linked? Do you think like you took such risks in life?

As a professional, do you think that the sex addiction and the other addiction, like, it comes hand in hand? I don't know. I don't know about that.

I wouldn't say, oh, because I'm a risk taker in my professional life, it spills over into my personal life. If anything, I would say it was the other way around. Just a fucking loose screw fucking nut job, and I found a way to make a living at it. Hell yeah. You got to love showbiz. Yeah. But here's what I got to ask. So we like to drink. We like to party. You're sober, flying straight.

Beat the sex addiction, beat the booze, beat the drugs. You guys clearly aren't having sex. Is it boring? Are you going to make it? I mean, it's hard to hang on. I am absolutely fucking psycho about...

about work, I think, is what, you know, like, I just channel it all into trying to accomplish it. I'm sure you guys are no different. Yeah, we work a lot, but we also play. How many podcasts do you have? You told me you've got, like... I've got two or three. Yeah. So, it's... I think we work a lot, we get stressed out, we want to kill ourselves, but...

We also can take the edge off with a nice high ball. I mean, I basically just never stop working. That's the key, I guess. But how do you relax when you do take your foot off the gas? With my girl, I would say. I mean, I get my girls over there shaking her head. He never takes his foot off the gas. Do you ever just have like a movie night or you chill? I mean, I suppose that sometimes we can watch something on TV or something, but...

I find that I'm busy enough that it's... I mean, I don't know. And I like being busy. I do too, but sometimes it hits you. In my book, the last chapter is sort of the culmination of it all. And it starts with the question, in quotes, are you happy? And I acknowledge that...

For all the fucking countless times that I've been asked that question, am I happy for countless years?

It's just given me anxiety. It's just fucking... It's annoyed me. It's been... It's just made me uncomfortable because, like, my gut reaction when I hear that question, like, I can scan my body. Like, no, I'm not fucking happy. I can tell. And, like, it's not, like...

In our society, it's just not okay to answer that because no, I'm not happy. Because it's like one thing like, yeah, what's up, man? How's it going? That's totally different from, are you happy? Of course. It's a loaded question. It's such a more invasive question. It's a great question to ask though in the elevator. Yeah. Are you happy? Right. It's such an invasive question and, you know, I kind of like really...

I'd get into it and, and, um, because it, it, it bothered me for a long time. And, and, and so I just, I kind of asked myself, why does it bother me so much? And what I arrived at is that I truly believe that to be happy is essentially the equivalent of to be content with

And if you're content, then by definition, you don't need anything. So you become fucking lazy. And that's what makes losers. So what I arrive at is that, no, I'm not fucking happy. I'm a constant ball of stress and anxiety. My default focus

mentality is that everything's not okay, that I'm not gonna be okay, and that I better fucking hurry up and hustle and work to make it so that everything might be okay. And that is just my perpetual state. And I would, you know, if I could actually have a choice,

I would not choose to be fucking happy. I'd choose the hustle. I love that. I think you can have both. I get what you're saying, but I think on the other end of it, to be depressed is to be crippled. Depression can be crippling. Right, right. I'm not talking about depression. So you want someone in the middle. I'm not talking about depression. I'm talking about like sort of anxiety. Sure. The feeling that- It's a motive for you. It's a fire under my nose. I just feel like I'm not okay. I'm not okay.

I gotta fucking make shit happen and I do not know how to turn that off. I'm similar. I wish that I could be like okay I've worked and now I'm gonna flip the switch and now I'm just gonna chill. Same. Last night was the first night I took off in forever and I felt guilt. Yes! And I will say there was a part of me that like obviously this is an insane thing to say but like

Sometimes I look at you know people who are ignorant ignorance is bliss So I see someone who's smiling. I'm like look at this fucking dickhead. Yeah, it's more on smiling. What are you happy about? You know right? Wow what a dumb observation But you know I see what you're saying. I'm not too far off of that you know when I

Submit that intelligence is a liability. Sure. You know, like dumb people are way happier, I think. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because think about it. There's got to be some dumb, miserable people, though. Yeah, for sure.

Definitely. Yeah. But, but, uh, but you would imagine that, uh, intelligence affords wisdom, knowledge, right? But, but, but, but what is there to know? The history is a bunch of bad fucking news. That's definitely going to repeat itself.

The more you learn, the more fucking much of a bummer it is. Yeah, but I think we look at, not to get schmaltzy, but we look at happiness like it's this big state, like being in New York. I live in New York. But happiness comes and goes. It's not just this all-the-time feeling. It's not something you're just sitting in. It's like, today I'm happy, or this hour I'm happy, the next hour I'm not. I mean, we act like you have to be happy.

Right, right, right.

We just say happy like it's a general thing. Don't worry about getting the things you want. Worry about wanting the things you have. Oh, yeah. Yes, exactly. I like this way this is going, man. Yeah, this is heavy. No, I relate to that. And Mark and I talk about this a lot. But like sometimes you're in a funk and you're like force yourself to go to the gym. I'm not saying that is the answer. But there's stuff you can do to help, you know? Right. I was feeling this morning. I was like I'm working out.

You know, I feel a little better. Yeah. Sometimes the thing you want to do the least is actually the thing you should be doing. Yeah. Yeah. It's easy to pick up that cupcake. So, like, as my annoying homework, like, I've got this bit, and I do talk about it in my book about how I used to try it and it would bomb. It's an unpopular topic. All right. The bit was...

And I would just come out and say this. I have a theory. I might even say I have an unpopular theory. I think God hates us. It's like, ooh, you know, like that was abrasive, that kind of like, and then, so now follow me. I like it. Follow me. We, human beings, are the only fucking organism that got fucked by the awareness of

The hypothetical awareness, no less, that we're going to die. And what's fucked up about that, we have but one instinct, which is to survive. And one guarantee, which is we won't. Yeah, you got that right. So...

Come on, this is a fucking, a fucked up cruel prank on us. The one fucking thing that we care about not happening is the only thing that we know will happen. Inevitable. And as we barrel down this fucking dark and scary fucking path towards our inevitable demise...

We wilt. We fucking wilt. Our bodies deteriorate. They fail us. They wrinkle. They bruise. They wilt. This bit is going to struggle on Fallon. I think they're going to see you and they're like, holy shit, this is kind of cerebral here. This is deep. Right. I don't know.

I think that is actually the popularity of Jackass is that you guys are death defined. You're doing these crazy stunts and I think... Right. And living. And living. So it's almost like you're saying like it's kind of hard to die actually. Perhaps. I mean, definitely like this whole existential fucking crisis of the, you know, the human condition. Yep. And like, oh my God, this sucks. Like we're going to die, you know, like...

There are two things about that that... Like, fuck, man, it sucks we gotta die. And so...

People address mortality in three major ways that I identify. Number one is they turn to religion because the promise is that they're going to go to heaven and everything's going to be great, so it's totally okay that they're going to die. Yeah, must be nice to think that. Yeah, and some dumb people. Did we not tell you this is a Scientology podcast? We'll get you. We'll get you. The second way people

you know, wrap their head around mortality is to reproduce. They feel like, oh, you know, I might not be here, but the family jewels have done their job. My bloodline, my lifeline, the family name, like I'm leaving my legacy and my children. And I'm not into that either. You know, I got a vasectomy, you know, and filmed it for a stunt. And, you know, with my girl, we just don't want to have kids. Then the third category is,

is people uh like the caveman scrawling the stick figures on the cave wall it's like this fucking i'm gonna be gone but that fucking you know like we leave our shit behind yeah we're doing with our act our specials our books exactly and um i uh what was very much you know like at the point when i really committed myself to this uh pursuit of um

you know, uh, fame and being a crazy stunt man. It was 1993. I had failed fucking miserably at the university of Miami. And cause I couldn't bring myself to go to class. I couldn't help but get kicked out of the dorms. I upped and physically dropped. That's also a school where it's probably very tempting to party. Yeah. And, and I didn't do well. And, and, and I also knew, uh,

Beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not keep a job like every job that I ever had Every job I ever had I failed at so bad got fired on like every denomination of days right from like one through seven I have a job where I got fired on that day I could not I couldn't I couldn't get through school and I couldn't keep jobs. So I was just confronted with this

realization that the likelihood was I was going to fail at life and die miserably young having failed. And that made me mad, you know? It made me mad. And I was like, the one thing I love is video cameras. The one thing I want to do is fucking be an attention whore with my video camera. I'm going to film stupid stunts and become a crazy famous stunt man. And I didn't think I was going to have any success. I didn't think it was going to work out. I thought that what I was doing was just

trying to film the craziest fucking shit ever and effectively you know

fill my message into the bottle so that I could be discovered after I died having failed and maybe be like the Van Gogh of the home video camera. Yeah, sure. And the idea that I was going to fucking die having failed in life kind of pissed me off. And I think that that did inform my choice to be doing this like death defying. You know, I was mad at fucking death. I'm like, well, I'm going to fucking jump up this rooftop and you're going to think maybe I'm going to die because I'm fucking

mad fuck you death yeah cheating death taunting death lashing out at death like that was very very I really think this is the popularity of jackass I think you're right I think people see that and they're like the way like people like we'll post like a heckler video sometimes and people fucking love it because I think it's like why can't

Tell off my boss. So there's like some weird justice in this moment. I think for you guys, it's the death definer. Like, well, I'm too scared to do that. Right. But I get to live vicariously through you doing that. And I get a thrill watching that. Yes. Same with Charlie Sheen, who does, you know, blow and fucks porn stars. You're at your office job going, wow, look at this guy. He's living life. And he came out the other end. And it's fun to watch. I mean, he got AIDS. Yeah.

HIV. HIV, sorry. Yeah. But I think he was fucking your ex. We'll get you one day, Sheen. Yeah, we love you, Sheen. But I'm just saying it's fun to watch people go through that. He's a bucket list guest on the pod. Oh, dear. We want Charlie Sheen. But let me throw this at you. Do you want a fucked up Charlie Sheen story, Dan? Oh, boy. Absolutely.

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He had this little party before the taping of The Roast to get everybody over to his house. Everybody meet each other and kind of hang out to sort of maybe establish a rapport before we taped the show. Very cool of him. We're at his house and he pulls me aside and he's like, Steve-O-Man.

And mind you, this was like right at the kind of the end of the tiger blood trail. Yeah. He pulls me aside. He says, man, Steve, oh, dude, fucking you and me. Well,

When we go down, we're not fucking around. When we go down, we go down in flames like fucking big time. Like serious. And I felt like that was a particularly bonding moment. Oh, of course. We taped the roast. It was great. And then when the roast aired, we were...

invited back over to Charlie Sheen's house for the viewing part viewing viewing power and it was um, I think there was by design that they premiered that Charlie Sheen roast Immediately, I think different networks but immediately following the very first episode of two and a half men to feature Charlie Sheen and not a

I started to feature Ashton Kutcher and not Charlie Sheen. Whoa. And of course, his relationship with the Two and a Half Men production was frayed. Of course. And he was absolutely oblivious to how they were going to handle the killing of his character and the introduction of... And I was in... I mean, this was the half an hour before. I was there. Yeah, yeah. And I was...

I was in his living room. So you watched the episode with him? I watched the episode with him. In his living room with him. And I saw his reaction to... What? To realize. And what they did with his character. It was like his character had died. And like here was an urn with all the ashes. And then somebody like jumbles the urn and it flies up in the air. And there's a cloud of the ashes coming out of the urn. And as the cloud dissipates, Ashton Kutcher... Ashton. You know, like...

Yeah, like the cloud dissipates and then to reveal Ashton Kutcher behind the ashes. Whoa. And he was like... Very subtle. And Charlie says, I got to give it to him. That was good. And a little later in the night, a little later in the night... He sounds like a fun hang. Dude, totally, totally. A little later in the night, I'm talking to Jeffrey Ross and it just strikes me. I say to him, I go, dude...

I think we might actually be in the world's most expensive crack house. What's this place like? The most expensive crack house on earth. And I went running over to Charlie and...

took a photo with him. I was like, oh, here's a selfie. And I'm like, take this selfie. I still had my black eye from running into Mike Tyson's fist. And Charlie just looked like shit in that photo. Yeah. We both looked like shit in that photo, but I was just so excited. I said, Charlie, can I tweet this photo? Yeah. With like the text that says, I think I'm in the most expensive crack house on earth. And he goes, hilarious. Go for it. Totally, man. I love it. You know, like,

And that was not a hit with his management. And then the next morning, I was performing. That weekend, I was at the Ontario Improv or the Brea Improv, one of those comedy clubs. And I was at the news to promote it. And some news person, like...

pulls me aside like oh I've got this side thing here I'm gonna film you on my cell phone and they asked like is Charlie sober and I was like

I don't think so. And then later that day, I got a call from his manager saying, what the fuck? You're fucking saying Charlie's not sober? Oh, boy. Like, the fuck? We had your back. We were down with you. He fucking unleashed like a tirade. Oh, wow. I've heard that tiger blood has caffeine. I mean, so in any case, like, I too can effectively, I think...

just have Charlie Sheen as a bucket list guest for the rest of my life. Yeah. Because I got the sense that, I don't know, I mean, maybe I'm cool with him, like,

Maybe I'm like, I didn't mean to do any harm. That's manager bullshit. Yeah, I like to think so. He okayed the picture too. He okayed the picture. He thought it was fucking great. Well, you said crack house. I said crack house. Give me, what's the rundown? What's this place look like? Is it great? Oh, dude, it was palatial. Yeah. Oh, wow. It was the most fucking obnoxiously palatial fucking place ever. Give me, like, what are the rooms like?

Just massive? I mean, I would just say, like, when you think of a palatial, massive mansion, I mean, it's exactly what you would picture it to be. Yeah, yeah. If anything, though, like, the gated community that he lived in was, it did kind of feel a little bit like all the houses looked very similar. I'm not going to say cookie cutter. All right. But.

it had a similar vibe to it. Got it. Well, let me just go back to the death thing, because you got something in my head here. It's horrible, it's inevitable, we're all gonna die, and we know we're gonna die, which is a bummer, which means God hates us, but...

isn't it better to know because now we can live damn it you know some mongoose is just like trying to survive trying to get a meal trying to survive and live and get a hut but we can do all this extra shit because we know there's an ending i think you're on to something there and i don't know if this falls into the category of comedy but there's absolutely a very powerful message in in uh

pointing out that people go through their fucking life with blinders on. It's like, la, la, la, la. They don't want to think about, don't remind me of my mortality. I don't want to, la, la, la, la, la. They do everything they can to not think about it when in fact, probably the way to have the most fulfilling and

meaningful life is to think about it every day. Agreed. And to really be deliberate about living every day, knowing about, like really focusing on the finite nature of our existence. Hear, hear. But we talk about like, you know, ignorance is bliss before and that dog wagging its tail because it doesn't know. Yeah. That's true. If that dog, you don't see a lot of goth dogs. No.

You know what I mean? They're usually pretty, like, you know, upbeat. That's true, yeah. Right. And they can eat their own ass. Or they can blow themselves. That's pretty good, too. Yeah, it's really pretty cool. Can you blow yourself? I cannot. Oh, that's shocking. I cannot. Seems like something that'd be right up your alley. It, uh...

If my damn dick was any bigger, I would have had a chance. Yeah. I've tried, too. I've pulled a muscle. But, yeah. Boy, this is deep. We really tackled some shit. This is great. Tackled some shit. How's that bit doing? Is it working? The God hates us? I haven't worked on it in a long time. But I am...

super committed to my next hour really serving to explore this, you know. It's kind of the premise of my next hour because my next hour is going to be... Well, Sam has been replaced. That's hilarious. My next hour will be an exploration of my...

My experience with confronting middle age. Oh, nice. There you go. And the breakdown of the physical body that I've relied on for my livelihood. Well, you got hair, you got teeth, you're thin. I mean, you're sober, you're in a good place. Well, thanks, man. Physically. Thanks. I'm glad.

I'm going to hang on to that. Hell yeah. I'm going to clutch to that for dear life. And you got a... I assume anxiety dog? Because you're not blind. Right. I mean, she's a service dog. Service dog. But what's the service? Well, she's...

Mobility assist. Oh, nice. Yeah, because I'm not fucking going anywhere without her, pal. Yeah. Good point. Yeah, don't expect me to be very mobile without her. I need a hangover dog. Just a dog that can help me out when I'm hungover. Like, all right, we're going to get you to the gym, you piece of shit. The dog said the N-word years ago, and now it's not allowed to speak. All right.

We're having too much fun here. Did I tell you, honey, how fucking great this guy is? Oh, come on. We go way back. I have nothing else in life except for jokes. It's good, man. Yeah. And we get to tell them into a microphone to hundreds of people. We got it made. Yeah, hundreds of people. And yet we still get sad. Yep. But that's the brain. It is. It's very relative. You know, they say that...

So was it Einstein was it some fucking philosopher? I said that that money has never made a man happy They in fact quite the opposite what money does it creates a void Where an insatiable void mo money mo problems? Yeah, well like the more money, you know, like I

I know, it's classic. Talk about marking your territory. There you go. Right here. Perfect. They did some survey I heard about. They surveyed like...

People with over 10 million bucks. Maybe people of all kinds of financial status. And they found that the more money people have, the more financially insecure people feel. Interesting. That people with over 10 million dollars...

in their bank account. - So Elon Musk must be freaking out all the time. - He's probably thinking about it. 'Cause you get knocked out of that top five. - Right. - And you're probably like, fuck. - Yeah, I'm out, I'm on the way out. - Right. And I think that there's a saying that really illustrates that, which kind of knocked me on my ass, which is that a man who has nothing

Doesn't have to worry about anything except his next meal. But the man who has everything has to worry about his last meal. Is that fucked up? That's heavy. Still leaning toward the billionaire. Yeah. Here's one that fucked me up. Every man has two lives, but his second life starts when he realizes he only has one.

I might have fucked that up. No, I think that makes sense. Okay. Like he, once you accept your mortality...

Yeah. You're really living. Exactly. I did not realize you'd be doing so much death talk. I know. This is heavy. It's great. It's nice. Good to get it out. Because everybody thinks there's some magic pill you can just take and it'll all work out. But you got to work at it. You got to. Like somebody once said, like, oh, I want to learn another language, but it's so much work and I want to get buff, but it's like I got to go to the gym. I want it to be easy, but it should be hard because that's the fun part. Like earning it.

Very little of supreme value is easy to... Exactly. Yeah. So Mark asked me, or he just said, going back to the death thing, he asked me how'd the bit go, how's it been going? And candidly, I've not really worked on the...

existential crisis bit about death in some time but i'm very much committed to my next hour that i put together really being an exploration of my experience with confronting middle age the breaking down of the body that i rely on for my livelihood like the the fucking you know it's not like middle age is a motherfucker no matter who you are death sucks for all people

Yeah. But for Steve-O, it's like, it's extra fucked up, you know? Of course. This is gonna be rough at 78. Yeah. You know? So, I really do need to work on this bit and get it somewhere. Yeah. And then, like, what I do with my comedy, it's multimedia. Like, right now, I'm on the Bucket List Tour and each item on the list is a bit in the show. And at the...

After the bit, I screen the footage of the culmination of the bit. Oh, that's great. So, I pay off every bit with an actual video of the fucked up thing I did that I just told you the hilarious story about. Right. Oh, that's interesting. That's great. And so, I plan to do the same thing with my next tour.

And kind of going down like the list of the different like major concerns that middle-aged has confronted me with. Impotence? No, I've been fortunate that impotence isn't always a problem. Yeah, yeah. Well, no one's perfect. Right. But like the one thing...

I got fucking man titties, dude. This is a middle-aged deal. I don't see it. Dude, there's dimples, dude. Really? No. I'm developing fucking man titties, dude. See, look. Dimples. Get out of here. I got fucking... Dude, I'm sorry, man, but I have fucking underboob, and it's driving me nuts. And my... My...

about this just because i want to raise the bar for crazy i want to like the god that fucking fucked me and now has has relegated me to fucking walking around with man tits i'm lashing out at that god and getting breast augmentation surgery hell yeah yeah that's gonna be one of my things one of my i'm getting fucking double d tits i'm sure she loves this she's backing

back and forth with it. All right. I mean, they're fun, but you guys are on. This is like half a transition. Yeah. You're going like, I'm just going to do the tits. That was my dad, like ever the homophobe. He said, and how long are you going to wait until you do the bottom half? You're just going to be meatloaf in Fight Club? There's so much fun. There's so much fun stuff to do with...

With that in my view. Sure. Like there's so many great bits to... You could clean up on OnlyFans. Yeah. Stay-at-home tits, I'd pay for that. Yeah, for sure. And I consulted with the person I believe is the world's most famous plastic surgeon of botched fame, Dr. Terry Dubrow. Okay. He says, don't keep him in for more than three months.

And then the stretching will be manageable. He can really put me back together. Okay. So. Three months. You'll be bi for three months. Yeah. My girl, her name is Lux. She says, I will be in Europe for three months. It's a good time to take a vacation. Yeah. So you're really going to do this? Yeah, I'm absolutely. I'm sure I'm going to do this. Well, now you got your closer for the new hour. Yeah. Well, that's not the closer. Oh, really? Wow.

Yeah, that's definitely not the closer. But, yeah, it's everything about what I'm seeking to do. Oh, wow. So we were donating some implants. So that's going to be your future. Yeah, dude. Epic. Yeah, why not? Everything about what I'm seeking to do with the next hour is challenging. I love it. Challenging. The confronting mortality, like alienating...

I love you doing heady material with just big cans on stage. You're like, what's up with God? I think that I will have been restored to normal before actually going on the road. Right, right. Part of me thinks, dude, don't fucking half-ass it, you little bitch. Keep the tits for the whole tour. Yeah. But my girl doesn't want to hear that. Are you going D? Double D. It's like a doctor's.

I got Dr. Terry DeBros and I can do D or double D. Oh my lord. There's a saving grace of middle age that my man titties are fucking malleable and I have potential. What about a dick implant? Not a dick implant. I'm getting a dick tattoo on my forehead. No. Yeah.

No, don't do that. I love that that bothers you more. My girl has absolutely no problem with the dick tattoo. Really? Because you're still a man. You see, because back to my formulaic approach to this, you know, everything needs to be motivated and in my view...

The wrinkles that are accumulating around my eyes and on my face in general are not fucking okay. But once I get a big dick tattooed on my forehead, that's all anybody's going to be able to see. So I will be young again. Most of the housewives would do that. All the Botox. Go full dong. Jeez, the dick. But that's unremovable. No, it is. Laser tattoo removal. And it's counterintuitive. But the one...

color of tattoo ink which comes out most easily and completely is black. Ah! So you have a black dick, yeah. Finally, she'll be satisfied. Now she's gonna really want to sit on your face. Yeah, you're in an interracial relationship. How about these guys, honey? They're fucking great. Fantastic.

Yeah, dude. We can't take a compliment. Now, I want you guys to know that as annoying as it was having homework for this podcast, I did do it. Oh, all right. Really? What do you got? I appreciate it. Well, I mean, I've thrown out more bits than it makes sense to throw out. Appreciate that. I'm the kind of guy who can actually cough up his ideas because nobody's fucking taking my ideas. No, no, no. Yeah, no, no.

I can comfortably put it out there into the ether and know that nobody's going to steal it. I don't know. You and Maria Bamford. No, but so you got to... All those joke thieves out there. I feel pretty... Carlos Mencia is like, he's in surgery right now. Do you have a peeve? A pet peeve or anything that bugs you? You know, the one thing that really came to mind

I see it fucking so often, dude. Is when someone says, I was so glad to be a part of it. But a part is one word. Oh, how about that? A part of something. Yeah. A part. It's a different meaning. Right. Yeah. It's not only a different meaning. It's the exact fucking opposite meaning. A part of it. Oh, I'm so glad. I'm so glad that I got to be a part of it. When they're saying a part is one word.

Not apart. Whoa. Because apart, when the words are together, the letters are together, it means... It means far away, separate. But if you make two words out of it, it is a part. So it's a part. Completely fucking opposite. I feel like it irks the shit out of me when I see that. Like, no, you are not a part of it. Fucking asshole. We love you being a part of this podcast. I love you.

When you get the tits, you guys will be apart. Man, that's a good one. Apart. That's good. Apartheid. Yeah, it's just a silly fucking little thing, but it irks the fuck out of me. Well, the English language is a real cunt. Imagine trying to learn the English language late in life. We have a thing called a dress shirt.

You know, we say he's pretty ugly. It's so many fucked up twisted linguistics in English. He's pretty ugly. What's wrong with the dress shirt? Well, it's a dress shirt, but it's a shirt. Oh, not a dress. So it's confusing maybe if you're a foreigner. I mean, yeah, but get dressed.

Yeah. You get dressed. Yeah, then you dress a sandwich. Yeah, dude. That's true. We're turning into Seinfeld here. I have a peeve for you guys. Oh, please. A good friend of mine, one of my best friends, he will do this a lot. He'll just say, I don't know why it bugs me so much, but he'll say, I had a great time giggling with you last night. Giggling? What the fuck are you talking about? I hate that.

What are you, an Asian teenage girl? What the hell? That sounds like a very homophobic peeve. Really? Giggling? No, I don't think it's a gay. He's a straight guy. It's not gay. It's more childlike. It's childlike. Weird. Giggling. I'm like, what are we, children? Yeah, giggling. Hee hee. I have the same thing when a guy will write back, hee hee. How about a ha ha?

You give me a hee-hee? Oh, wow. H-E-H-E. Hee-hee. Giggling just sounds like, well, what were we doing last night? Yeah. We had a real good giggle. Yeah. A real belly giggle. Yeah. I picked you guys holding each other when you're giggling together. Get in here, bro. Yeah. Kill a giggle. There's one fine giggle, dude. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. You keep joking. I'll bring the giggles. I'll see you next week. Matt.

Now, I recently put a video together of 10 things that really pissed me off. Hit us, dude. Fucking urinals was big on the list. I mean, what the fuck, dude? Like...

Well, you just want a regular toilet? I mean, I sit down to pee. Oh, really? Yeah, I sit down to pee because all fucking standing up to pee is is just an exercise in pissing all over the fucking place. I mean, dude, it's so absurd that they actually put special mats for collecting piss on the floor in front of the urinal. Right. Because they know.

They know. They know that this is just a fucking battle zone of fucking... Yeah, I wear these pants. They're very nice. But look, one inch of liquid and you got a mouse could jizz on these and you would see it. And I was at the urinal yesterday and I was all... I had the back spray. And it was like, I had to sit down and do this shit for a half an hour while it dried because the backsplash was so bad. But with jeans, you don't really notice it. But with these pants... How about this? Yeah, I drip. How about this? When women...

become irate because you left the seat up. Oh my God. Okay, like think about this. No good deed. The guy that these women are getting mad at had the forethought, the courtesy, the decency to not piss on that fucking seat. Right. He lifted the seat so as to not piss on it and he left it up as a sign of that courtesy and that respect. Right. Whereas,

Whereas the other guy never fucking put it up in the first place, pissed all over it. And the lady's like, oh, what a gentleman. Right. I don't think they say what a gentleman if it's covered in piss. Right, right, right. Maybe he fucking did a slapdash job of wiping it off so it's not visible, but it's covered in his piss. Dried up piss, yeah. No, that's a good point. I do the foot. I pee on the seat and then I use a sock. That's my move. That's it.

I don't know if you guys do that. So the whole like standing up to piss thing, like I had – especially because when I get – when I'm on the airplane, I take off my shoes. I would rather have my shoes off and then I go to the bathroom and

And the flight attendants are disgusted by me. They're like, oh my God, you're going into the bathroom like barefoot or in your socks. You should be like, have you not seen Jackass? Have you not seen the shit I've done? Right. Going in there, it's so disgusting. I'm like, well, how about this? Like I personally, out of respect, I pee sitting down because I don't want to be one of these guys pissing all over everything. I go into the bathroom barefoot and that's nothing compared to when I sit down on the toilet.

I'm sitting in some fucking asshole's piss. You know, that's a lot more disgusting than what's going on with my feet. Flight pissing is a real peeve of mine because I'm... First off...

I'm tall. I have to sit down. Really? Oh, my God. Dude, on those little planes, I can't. My neck's already fucked up. I can't stand upright. What's wrong with your neck? I just have some disc damage. Degenerative disc disease. Me, too. Whoa, look at this. Yeah, man. All right. You know what's fun? I used to get... I went to a basketball camp when I was 17.

And all the black kids call me Steve-O. Oh, wow. Because I had a shorter haircut. Cool. Yeah. They were like, Steve-O. I consider you better looking than me. I don't know, dude. I don't know about that. I do. It's funny. He went to camp and they called him Jew face. Another thing that fucking pisses me off, and it pisses me off in a serious way, is cemeteries. Oh.

Think about this, okay? When you bury a dead human being, what you have done is you have taken a plot of land and rendered that piece of land utterly fucking useless for...

Feeding people for sheltering people like you've just you've just fucking completely Disqualified that land for being of any use and on top of that you've made you've not made that land creepy Oh, that's great with George Carlin has a whole bit about this, but I go I go to my grandparents graves sometimes I'm like this could have been a fucking Walgreens. Yeah, sure. Yeah, exactly and Spooky is interesting and the whole

life cycle the the the nature of of of life everything changes right you've you've done that to this land fucking forever so so like you know generations go by generations go by and then now like like all the world is a fucking cemetery now it's true it goes on and on forever it's just never like you're stunting growth yeah in a way you're not stunting growth you're you're fucking like

Ruining. Land. Yeah, you're just disqualifying land. Right. Although if you live near a cemetery, that's nice. You're in a quiet neighborhood. That's true. That is kind of nice. That's true. In New Orleans, cemeteries are like a big deal. People walk through them. There's like a tourist thing. But during Katrina, a lot of the graves rose up. Yeah. Which is like horror movie shit, you know? And so a lot of the, we have mausoleums because of our flooding is so bad.

Right. Yeah. I just think it's fucking stupid. Now, the solution to this, it's pretty cool. All right. I think two and a half men nailed it, by the way. Yeah, right. Yeah. Cremation. Yeah. I think cremation's solid. But they also have what's called, I think it's called a tree pod. Yeah.

where it's like that you can fit the fucking body of your loved one in like a fetal position in this egg shaped pod which you do bury in the ground and it turns into a tree whoa that's way better way better well i think alu bell used to have a bit like why do we bury ourselves lying down as opposed to standing it would take up less space right i thought that was interesting how about

that yeah good angle yeah it's just fucking stupid it'd be funny if the tree came out looking like us like you're a palm tree and it'd be like a shitty bush laughing

Oh, do we have the tree pod here? Tree pod burial. That's brilliant. 99 bucks. Plant a tree. I'm doing this. Yeah. All right. Cheaper funeral too. How about that? Yeah. Super cheap funeral. Dude, how annoying is it? The fucking, all these GoFundMes for fucking funeral costs. I know. Caskets are so expensive. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy.

That open casket is such a weird tradition. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, the queen, they lined up, dude. Yeah. Did you see the image of the body in the fetal position fucking in the pod? I mean, it's very symbolic. It's like kind of how you come into the world in fetal position, right? Exactly. And then you... And you go out. Yeah. There's a...

There you go. Oh, look at that. There you go. Whoa, that's heavy. Yeah, we should be doing this. This is a great idea. Big ass potato. Yeah. We have a lot of people at morgues who are like, look, he's sucking his dick. But you're right. He's in a ball bag and he's going to come out as a tree. Yeah. A kumquat.

Sorry. It's just that we cover all of my homework. I got the peeves. You crush it, man. Yeah. Oh, things that we recommend. Oh, you're on fire, Steve-O. We weren't going to push for it, but we're honored. Okay, things that we recommend. Besides fake tits. I can't...

I cannot fucking I was gonna say that we're all podcasters here so let's take this opportunity to make ourselves some money let's talk about Tushy which I absolutely do recommend do you use it I fucking use it yes I use Tushy I have it but my do you guys promote it and not use it

Are they sponsored? I think they gave us one, maybe. Yeah. You'd be crazy not to use it. I would love to have a bidet. My asshole is a graveyard of shit. Crustaceans on that butthole. Terrible. It's like a...

Yeah, I really am. I cannot recommend the use of a bidet enough. All kidding aside, I love to promote Tushy. Now, here's what a maniac I am on my podcast. When I'm promoting Tushy, I out loud into a microphone identify them as my favorite sponsor, which is actually saying all the rest of the sponsors of my podcast can go fucking suck a fart out of my asshole because I'm giving preferential...

favor to Tushy. All right. And I can't help it because I'm an honest guy. I hear you. I fucking love Tushy. Everybody should be doing it. We have stuff in our butt cracks all day long that we don't know about. It's out of sight, out of mind, but it's better to get that cleaned up. I'm definitely pro bidet. I just haven't set it up. Now, in lieu of

Now, I will say something somewhat critical, which is that Tushy also sells a, I think it's called Tushy On The Go, and it's like a collapsible squeeze water bottle. And you flip up the nozzle, and you're supposed to sort of reach between your legs and squeeze the water bottle. I don't find that super effective. No, no.

And there you go. Thank God I don't need water picks. That would be awkward. And in lieu of actually having the proper bidet set up on the toilet, like I swear by fucking flushable wet wipes. Oh, people love these. I use those. Next month. Oh, you do? Yeah. Next month.

I will be receiving the first shipment of 10,050 packs of Steve-O's butt wipes for your butthole. Oh, I'm going to get my butt wiped. How are your butt wipes different than like a standard one? Like the dude wipes? Yeah. Well, for starters, dude wipes is very misogynistic.

Okay? Good point. I mean, dude, I'm not alienating anybody, dude. Women have buttholes too, bro. I love it. Yeah. War. You're starting some beef here. Yeah, starting some beef. Are they scented or no?

Mine are not scented, but God, do they feel great. I can't wait to wipe my ass. You know what? I'm going to get these, dude. And I have to say, public apology, my ex would swear by these and I was always like, ugh. And then we broke up and I started using them and she was right. I mean, dude, dry toilet paper does not do the trick, man. It does not do the trick and like...

Invariably, like an hour later, I got to go find a bathroom and wipe my ass again and there's fucking shit on the toilet paper. Yeah. Not cool, man. I hate it. It's true. If a girl shat on your chest, you wouldn't use a dry rag. You'd use a wet rag. Don't ask me how I know. Right. That would never... I'm too hairy for that to even be a possibility. It's like peanut butter in a carpet. I mean, come on. Look at this. A woman...

Oh, yeah. That's true. What wouldn't be... This is the most cleavage we've shown on a podcast between me and Steve over here. What wouldn't be a possibility with the hairy chest? Oh, my God, Poop. I mean, I could shit on there. Really? All right, Patreon. Anybody could shit on there. What's the problem? But he's saying getting it off. Oh, getting it off. Yeah. With dry toilet paper, you got a problem. Yeah. You got it right.

Yeah. Yeah. But now with Steve-O's butt wipes. Yes. Butt wipes for your butthole. It's like a whole kind of a line that I'm going. I've got hot toss for your butthole. Oh. Butt wipes for your butthole. Yeah, yeah. This is all under my company name. I've got a special company called Whole Foods. I love this for you. Yeah. Great. Whole Foods, but without the W. I love it. I was thinking if ands or buts. Yeah.

But this is great. All right, we got a wreck. We got a peeve. We got a bit. Steve-O, you killed it. You killed it, man. Hey, man. You know, I'm a neurotic homework doer. I love it. A hard kick in the nuts. Any bookstore, Amazon? Anywhere books are sold. Yeah, anywhere books are sold. Beautiful. A hard kick in the nuts. I mean, it sounds awesome. Get the hot sauce, too. It is shocking what I fucking admit in that book. I will say that. Oh, that's good.

That's a good tease. I can't wait. Yeah, this looks awesome. Yeah. Awesome, man. Dude, I enjoy you guys. You the man. You too, man. Thank you. And that's a high compliment because on my first date with my girl, who's now my fiance, I said, I enjoy you. Whoa. Ah. Yeah. All right. So maybe we'll fuck. We got some tour dates coming up. Oh, yeah. Where are you going to be, Steve-O? These next dates. I don't know how soon you guys are getting this up.

Yeah, I don't either. Probably late October. There you go. Okay. A lot of them in Canada. We're talking to you. Hell yeah. Got a big run going through Eastern, no, sorry, Western Canada. Okay. What's the site name? What do you- It's just Steve-O, man. Oh, perfect. Steve-O.com. Steve-O.com. Check it out for dates. Go see him on the road. He's working on his new hour. I won't be working on my new hour. This is the bucket list tour. Oh, sorry. This is the bucket list tour. This is where you're going to see-

You're all over. Look at that. Jesus Christ. You're going hard. Ooh, New York Town Hall. That's a great venue. I'm touring my fucking living dick off. Yeah. Go see those tits, folks. Hell yeah, man. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, sir. We're not capped. Butt wipes.

Wow, what an episode with Steve-O. He was such a great guest. Coming up, I guess it's coming out late October, right? So I'll be in New Jersey at the Stress Factory, OKC, right after Norman's wedding. Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Kansas, Missouri, Tacoma, Spokane. Big tour coming in January. I'm fucking coming everywhere, so get ready for that announcement too, if I haven't made it already. Come all over me.

I think that's Segura's tour, I'm Coming Everywhere. That's a great... Great title. That's the hard thing is coming up with a tour. What's your tour called? All Over the Road. That's good. You know, I'm all over the road. It's got a double meaning. Yeah. Double meaning's big for that stuff. Yeah, huge. But Coming Everywhere is just so silly. It's great. I'm all over the road. I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska. I'm in Minneapolis. I'm in Seattle, Portland. Seattle again. Vancouver, Houston. New Orleans, Boston, New Haven, Michigan.

Philadelphia, Honolulu, Nashville, Miami, you name it. All kinds of fun stuff. It's going to be a hell of a year.

New hours cooking. And, yeah, get on the Patreon. Get a mug. Get a shirt. Get a glass. See Mark now when he's cooking that hour. It's going to be killer. And get that Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Oh, yeah. Watch my Netflix special, please. Yes. You know, see us on the road. Yeah. We got tons of great guests cooking. We got hours on YouTube. We got a lot of content out there for you folks. And...

We love you. We'll see you next time at the bar.