Ep 97: Phil Hanley
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Where did the drinks arrive? Oh, they're coming, baby. Let's start with Phil saying where did the drinks arrive. That's perfect. Take it again. Our buddy Phil Hanley is in the building. Hey!

pH. One of our best buds. Yeah. This is the first time I've ever been excited to do a podcast. How do you like that? You always dread doing pods, right? I do. Yeah. I mean, they're fun when you get there, but I'm injured in my back and alcohol helps. Yeah. And I generally can't drink this early, so I'm excited. How'd you injure?

It's been fine for like six years or something like that. And I flew four times last week. And my back was like a little funky. And then I stretched the shit out of it. And it's like, yeah. Wait, do you stretch it or you get a helper? I normally will like pre-pandemic. I'd like work out and stretch and do all that shit. And then I haven't been. And while this guy's going to town on these cocktails. He's a pro.

man he's a mixologist and you're a Negroni guy like when I think Negroni I think Phil yeah it's my favorite beverage you're either drinking a scotch or a Negroni yeah yeah Glenn Fittick he either drinks a Glenn Fittick on the rocks Macallan no I like Macallan okay do you oh yeah people buy me Macallan sometimes because they don't know the difference but yeah it's oh thank you so much oh thank you beer Jew

Look at that. That looks good, dude. Well done with the twist. Yeah, love the twist. Oh, yours is submerged. I think that's the move. Isn't that the move? Well, I like to put it on the side, and then you can drop it in if you like. I mean, smell that. That's a smell right there. Yeah, I like giving the option. Yeah. Oh, mine fell in. Ooh!

That smells perfect. Holy shit. Are they pubes too? Yeah, those are mine. I think you said pubes for a second. That's what I heard. Sweet pubes, dude. What is that, a gray one? Those are great too. Don't worry. I'll confirm.

Wow. This is not... I mean, something about a Negroni in the summer just hits. Yeah. Perfect. Wow, that's great, man. Look at that. Color, too. Perfect redness. Not too thick. That's a good red. Not too thin. Cheers. Well done. Beer Jew. Beer Jew. Beer Jew. And for the folks at home, I think that just the one secret to, like, really upgrading your Negroni game or your Manhattans in general is to get a nice, sweet vermouth. That's what I have in my fridge. I really like using Carpano Antica. This is, like, the one that you'll find...

most common sorry we were raising our classy level for a second with him explaining Vermouth and then Mark just brought us right back down hey the high low lifestyle you know but yeah Carpano it's good if you want to up your game go grab it it's the easiest to find and the best uh

This is the thing you're supposed to put from you vermouth in the fridge right people know that yes, you refrigerate your yeah, yes Yeah, okay. We can last for a little while outside, but after a while it'll go back into like Foodie mode

Yeah, because after a while outside, it'll smell like one of Mark's farts, so keep it in the fridge. Good to know. Great note. What is vermouth? Great question. Vermouth is like a super, super concentrated sweet wine.

Ah, I never knew that. Okay. All right. That's why, like, over time it turns a little bitter but still keeps its sweetness. Okay. All right. Cool. Just like a comedian. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect. Yeah. Hey, dude, yeah, that's like Hanley's go-to drink, man. It's good to have you here. You're like one of the...

first guess we want, but you wanted to wait till you had a special to promote, which is now available on YouTube. How about that? Came out September 22nd. Hell yeah. Yeah. Great special. We were both there. Okay. You killed it. You were there. You were both there and I remember being...

Being on stage in the second show and being like, oh, this is, I feel like this is good. You know, nerve wracking and it's doing a special. And I was like, I think this is, you know, I think it's, we got it. And I looked over and I could see you cracking up. Yeah. Well, you know, what's great is we always talk about this. Our friends were all so busy, which is good. But we used to see each other all the time, watching sets. All the time. Always in the same room.

and now we're always on the road. We're running around. We're doing pods. So it's all fresh. The material, I've never heard it. So I get to just laugh and enjoy it like an audience. Yeah, it's funny because, and the beauty of that is the people that you respect most, like you'll see a set and I'll be like, oh, fuck, I did so much old shit tonight. And then you guys haven't seen it in so long. You're like, oh, I love that new bit. You're like, oh, thanks. Meanwhile, it's like a year and a half

on the road like tight and ready to go of course yeah and then you think man I suck but you realize this guy's been doing that bit since 88 yeah I got busted from Sam last week because I I was dicking around for most of the set I was trying new stuff and then I closed with an older joke and I came off Sam's like oh that was you know a great set or whatever that was like you know and I was like yeah I was kind of dicking around he goes wasn't that your closer from your special oh

I was just fucking with him. Oh, but it wasn't my clothes. Because he goes, yeah, I was just kind of trying some stuff out. I was like, I think that was your clothes from your hour. But he was just trying to get off stage. I had to fuck with him. But yeah, I mean, that's the fun too is like,

you know, we're all on the road so much that like, you know, we were at the cellar on a weekend together and it's like, holy shit, that's how you kind of dream it up when you're a kid. Yeah. The three of us in the cellar. Hell yeah. That never happens. And I will say, you two are my two first comedian friends in New York City.

Hear, hear. I felt like Norman greeted me when I got off the plane. I tried. Yeah, I like to welcome. Yeah, very welcoming. And then... You used to walk around in that little paper boy hat, remember? During the day, yeah. The newsy hat. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I just chalked it up to Canadian. Yeah, I know. And then Sam and I, when I first moved here...

We lived across the street from each other. What? Yeah, you remember that. Oh, Williamsburg. Yeah. We used to go to the same coffee place, you and I, with a special little coffee place. Yeah, it was so good. That was like our afternoon thing. Yeah, we'd walk over. But when I met... So Norman was so friendly when I first got to town. But Sam was like a love at first sight thing because we were playing that crazy show. Remember that show? Lowe and Esme. Yeah. Oh.

With that Powley motherfucker. Yeah, Powley. Yeah. It was like six people in the crowd. There was a huge screen and there was like aerobics being played in the background. Yes. So you'd be on stage. Not a good idea. No, it'd be like a woman's ass right where your face was. Very distracting. You know, it was a post-show thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it would be so fucking distracting. It was 80s aerobics. But anyways, I remember seeing Sam and I'd probably been in the city for like a few months or whatever and seeing Sam and it was like, holy fuck, this guy's got bits. Yeah, you had bits. Well, you still do. But like back then, I was so blown away because it's so rare. You see so many comics, but so few of them, you're like, holy fuck.

Yeah, yeah. I think there were like eight people in that crowd, too. I think we bonded because you were like, I got to do this college. I remember that a little bit. And yeah, that was a weird show because John Pally, who would run the show, he'd have the aerobics on the background. The show was called Buns and Puns. That's right. He would walk around with jello shots to the crowd and-

cinnamon buns. Yes. And they were free. So you're just performing for a crowd and you're like, this is the althiest show in the history. It is, yeah. And it was a weird room. It looked like the bar from Clockwork Orange. It was all white. Yes. It was totally white. Everything was white seating. That person beat me with a dildo that time. What happened to Pally? He was a character. I've seen him on the street a couple of times. Really? There were some great stories about him. I mean, he had...

quirky character we used to hang with John Powley. I remember one time he was in a bar and he noticed a guy was pickpocketing people. So he followed the guy out of the bar. He goes, hey, can you come back here? And the guy was like, I didn't do anything. And he goes, I'm following you. He chases the guy for like 10 blocks on the phone with the cops. What? The cops get him just as a guy tries to get away into the subway. What? He got some sort of like badge of honor type thing. Really? Because he brought the guy in and all the wallets were returned. Wow.

That ass. Powley. Yeah. And he's not an intimidating figure. He looks like a fucking flamingo. Yes. He might be the least intimidating. So friendly, though. But I remember that show. He would just like, he was barking, but he'd like, a girl would walk by and he'd like walk down the block and then like, they'd turn around and come back in. He'd pick her up. Yes. Yeah. He had that skill. He was so, what's the word? I guess fearless, but he was like warm. Non-threatening. That's the one. Yeah. Oh, look at that.

What is this? Is that Buns and Puns? How the hell did I get on there? Wow. Jonathan Pally. There he is in the top left. Oh, yeah. Look at that, Tim. Yes. I haven't seen that in years. It was funny because you guys talk about this show having eight people. That was the highlight of my month doing that show because I did so many bad gigs. It was hit or miss. It was sometimes when it was like 150 people in a tiny room and sometimes when it was like

12 people but yeah I mean that was my favorite and he would put us on like whenever we wanted he spoiled all of us he was so lucky for that so lucky I see Vecchione there every now and then that was a Nick Vatterot would go on there that was fun

Different time. We were scrounging for shows. I always think it's crazy. Like, we take for granted. I particularly take it for granted because I grew up in the city. But, like, you know, you came from another country. You're from Canada, from Oshawa originally. Yeah. And you grew up later in life in Vancouver. Yeah. And then you move, I mean, across another country. It was... Yeah. And I had done... Like, I remember...

And then I started all over. I'd done comedy maybe eight years. I had done the Craig Ferguson show, which felt like a credit. I was a bully in New York. No one gave a shit because I didn't get it from New York. Ah, interesting. I remember when someone vouched for me, I showed up. It was an open mic at Three Cups.

There was like five people in the crowd. I just moved. I hadn't lived here. I was staying in here. I'd rent like an Airbnb for three weeks and just try to like meet people and do shows. And I showed up. There's this terrible open mic. Everyone's bombing. And I go to the dude that's booking it, RG. RG Daniels. Yeah. And I go to him. I'm like, yeah, you know, so-and-so wrecked me. He said he could do a spot. He goes, yeah, send me a tape. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm like, oh, this city's going to be fucking brutal. Brutal. But yeah, to immigrate, you're the only one that, Sammy, you're the only one that recognizes that. I had to get like two work visas and a green card. Wow. How's that process for the folks who live here? I mean, it's brutal. I mean, I'm dyslexic, so any forms, it's like this many forms. And yeah, my mom would help me. But yeah, it's,

It was probably... In total, probably $25,000 to get the three things. And as a struggling comic, $25,000. Yeah, it was... Get out of here. Yeah, totally. Yeah, it was rough. And then it took so long. But now, obviously, I'm so glad I did it. But goddamn, it was a pain in the ass. But the dream was always... Like, you never...

flirted with LA no didn't no because I watched right before I started I watched Comedian and Seinfeld was doing the cellar and hanging out in New York and I was like oh like that just seemed like the thing to do yeah that's the way to go LA would have been better because it's so close to my family but no I wanted to be yeah just New York seemed like the place to be yeah you chose New York over your family yeah yeah

Totally. You want to be a good comedian. New York, yeah. You're such a New York comic. I mean, it's like, you know, your shit's so tight. And I remember that Ferguson set. You have one of my all-time favorite jokes in that set. Because you say, I quote this joke all the time, but you say, you know, when you meet the right person, you know right away.

Oh, yeah. How can we meet the wrong person? It takes a year and a half. Oh, right. Yeah. That's a fucking... That's one of the shortest, most perfect jokes. And there's an old novel in that joke because you just picture all the bad relationships. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, I did a lot of research to come up with that. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But it's funny. I remember that was one of the, that was like probably the first good joke I ever wrote. I had that and I had a twin, a joke about I was dating a twin at the time. And I wrote them that afternoon and that's comedy where it's like, then four years later you write another one. You know what I mean? Like I remember they both came out the same afternoon and I was like, this is it. This is going to be a piece of cake. And then they're just like.

You write one of those and you're like, cool, I need 75 more. That's exactly it. And then you're kind of scrounging and you're like, milk. What's funny about milk? You're trying to write a joke and there's nothing coming. That's what we first bonded about because we both would try to write every day. And I remember you talking, but you still like pace on your roof. Yes, that was my big move. Because I couldn't write. I can't write at Starbucks. These guys are sitting on a Starbucks. That's crazy to me. I'm like, I would just look at everybody or check my phone.

So I need to pace. So I don't look at the phone. You got the TV off. But then I live with my girlfriend. So I couldn't write jokes in front of her with a hairbrush going, Uber, huh? You know? I have to talk out loud. So I'd have to go on the roof for privacy. Girlfriends suck. Yeah. Right, right. I'd like to fuck other people. She hated that bit. Yeah. You're like, yeah. You don't like that premise, babe? Yeah, yeah. But then sometimes I'd be on the roof and there's some other guy on the roof like, what

What's he doing over there? This crazy guy talking to himself. He's about to jump off. Yeah. So that was tough. You had to make it work back then. You had to figure it out. I was a janitor and I would write in the boiler room. That's incredible. Because I didn't know where else to go. That's incredible. You never had a job here. No, I've never had a job. Ever, ever? No. Yeah, I had a job for a couple weeks in high school and then I worked in like a couple bars briefly. Bartend? Uh.

Yeah, I was a terrible bartender. I was a bartender in England in a gay bar. What the fuck? What are you, a spy? Where'd this come from? Bartender in England? You were a model. That's a job. Yeah, that's a job. But it's like, yeah. So, no, I did have jobs. I was a bartender in England and I got hired because I was a model. I was a gay bar. And they made me like head bartender and I'd never bartended before. This is your sitcom, by the way. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Come on. Model, gay bartender? Yeah. The modeling thing didn't work out. They're like, kid, we got one last stop for you. Gay bar. No, it was when I first moved to England before, like I was just started modeling and I worked in this gay bar. I was head bartender in the main bar and it was such a mess. It was brutal. Yeah. Yeah. Boy George would come in. Who? Boy George. Oh.

Wow. So it was a gay bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Man. Yeah. Boy, George, can't go wrong there. No. Do you really want to hurt me? Was that a fun gig? Yeah, it was fun. It was just wild. I was like 20 or something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was like...

The food service, whatever industry is bananas. I mean, it's just blow and hookups. Especially like the gay scene in England at that time. Like I thought I'm from like basically like a mini Detroit and people fucking party hard. We partied hard. But then that like England is just like next level. I don't know if they still party like that, but like, yeah. How about the modeling? Yeah.

Yeah, modeling. Yeah, that's a... How did that start? Like, how did you just get into that? Well, I had a friend who she was, like, successful. And I came... She lived in New York. She moved out of Oshawa when she was, like, 16. She was, like, very successful. And then she lived in New York. And I came to visit her. And all my friends are going to college. I'm dyslexic and was in special ed. Couldn't go to college. And she was just, like, brainstorming what I was going to do with my life. Because...

The options weren't very, there wasn't a lot of options in Oshawa. I applied to work in the convenience store across the street from my high school. Damn. Which would have been fucking depressing. Like a 7-Eleven. Yeah, it was called One Stop. But yeah, it was, could you, all the teachers who said you wouldn't amount to anything would be there buying a sandwich and a Coke. Yeah, being like, yeah, I still got it. Yeah.

And so, like, my parents were, like, tripped out that I was going to get, like, stuck in Oshawa. And... Yeah, then I... Isn't it funny that you're basically a writer? Like, you're dyslexic, but... Ah, true. I mean, you're writing a book. Yeah, I sold a book. You sold a book. You're writing comedy. You write your own act. I mean, you're a dyslexic writer. It's kind of cool. It's so... Yeah, everything I've done has always been the biggest pain in the ass you could fucking possibly do, including moving to New York. Like, it was, like, such a fucking pain. But it's because...

As of the first day of grade one, if you can't read or write, it's difficult. Yeah. You know? So I was like, whatever. But yeah, England was fun. Tons of people did tons of drugs. But I did drugs in high school. So by the time I got to England, I was like kind of over it. Well, you were an acid guy. I took some acid. Yeah. We could tell by the shirt. Obviously. I took... Yeah. But you know what? I took a lot of...

Okay, there's a great... Oh, here's a rec. I have so many recommendations. Please. Here's a rec. The other one on Netflix, it's a documentary about Bob Weir, the rhythm guitar player for The Grateful Dead. But he's talking about The Grateful Dead would do acid every Saturday afternoon. Damn.

And I was watching it and I was like, I used to do it every Friday and Saturday. Like I did it twice as much as the dead. As the dead. Yes. Jesus, man. I always felt there. And I fucked more than Wilt Chamberlain. I heard that. That sounds very unhealthy. Yeah. You would think it was a, it,

I think, and I don't recommend LSD for people because it doesn't agree with everyone. Some people take it and they're just tripped out forever. For some reason, it agreed with me. And yeah, you would do one on Friday and then I would double it on Saturday. Wow. And... Did you even have time to come down? You'd come down a little bit. I'd come... I was brutal. I wouldn't sleep all night because you're up all night. And then my dad would want me to cut the grass. Sure. But...

Cutting the grass, it's pink and shit. You're pushing this unicorn. My dad's like, why is it Paisley? But, sorry, what was that? Oh, then you Saturday, you doubled down. Oh, yeah, double down. I was like, LSD and acid really agree with me. Wait, what was I saying? Jay, what?

Where's Sam? But no, but what I was going to say is I felt really like dirty because I took drugs in high school and all my friends were older and I felt like dirty for taking so much acid because it was like a full pot at the time. And then I saw a therapist, one that we're all very familiar with. Sure. And I told him and he goes, you took acid because you were in special ed. You were super frustrated with school. You felt completely misunderstood and you needed a break from reality.

And then like this, I was like, yeah, I had like, it's the same as when you have a shitty day and you're like, I want a drink. I had such a shitty day. I just needed, you know, something a little stronger than a drink. Right, right. I love the idea of Phil being like 13 years old, just hanging out with a bunch of like 40 year old bearded dudes. He's like, I hang with an older crowd. Yeah.

Special ed. Yeah. Thanks for the hells. That makes total sense why you would do that. You needed an escape and you found one. Absolutely. And then I, and then, so I finished high school and moved to England and started modeling and stuff. And then drugs were very plentiful. You know what I mean? Your friend got you into modeling. Yes. The friend from Oshawa who moved to New York. Yep. She got you into, and she's a successful model. Yeah, she was successful. She lived in New York and stuff like that. And at the time, New York, the,

The guys that were like models were like all-American guys that actually looked like models. And I had super skinny and I was long hair. And that was kind of... Can we get a picture of you, Phil? Oh, please. Do we have a picture of that? There's one if you go on my Instagram. Oh, boy. Very exciting. You were a big cardigan guy for a minute. I did, yeah. I did. Okay. But...

Yeah, so then by the time, and if you're like a straight young dude working at a gay bar, the drug options are very plentiful. But I was kind of over it by then. Okay, a lot of clips. You're in for a treat, Matt. Oh, man. Do you follow me, Matt? Keep scrolling, keep scrolling. Oh, now he does. You want to go down. That hurts. You want to go way down. This is like old school. Uh-oh. That's a good barkeep right there. Yeah. It's way down, sorry.

Damn, dude. There you go. I saw it. Oh, my. Is that Jared Leto? Holy shit. There's a bit. That photo's altered because it's a bit. But that's without the mouth moving. Look at that straight, straight black hair. I like it better with the lips moving. Wow. Got a pretty mouth, boy. Yeah, he does. Holy shit.

Holy hell. Holy shit. This is wild. Look at that. Look at that hair, dude. That was my first fashion show. That was the first big, that was in Milan. That was my first like fashion show. So when did you come out as a straight guy? Dad, sit down. It's not what you think. Maybe it's dad stand up. And leave. Holy hell. But yeah, great jawline. Good eyes. I got a comedy special in Canada way, way too early.

Yeah, they do that over there. Oh, yeah, because it's funded by the government. They have to give a certain amount out. Holy shit, that's crazy to think of comedy funded by the government. Yeah. Hold on, I want to see you handling it. Give me just the top of me.

Atta baby. I got shows tonight. I got shows too. And we recorded another ep. Phil, we're going to be fucked up here. You have another episode after this? No, no, no. We did one before you were here because we're both on the road for a while. So we backlogged a couple of these bad boys. What were you drinking in the previous one? Paper planes. Oh, okay. I've never had one. Whiskey, app. I mean, dude.

Just make him one just so we can have a sip. Just so he knows what he's missing. I mean, it's a hidden gem. Really? I think it might be my favorite cocktail. You've talked about them. I've just never had more than an old-fashioned. Old-fashioned is like...

I like Manhattan's better than old fashions. I love a Negroni. I love a martini. Paper plane's in that category for me. Really? It should be a classic. It's just not as simple as the other ingredients. I agree. It should be in the mix of like the staples. Really? Oh, yeah. It's that good. It's so good. I was at a bar the other night and they had it and I got...

fucking excited and it was like you're damn right I'm getting one oh god when you want a drink and then you're at a bar it's just nothing better when you have a weird taste and they can deliver on that shit I was in Costa Rica last week yeah and uh the

we did a show and the guy who ran the show was like, I'm taking everybody out for a nice steak and the whole thing. So we go to this Costa Rican steak house. It was amazing. And I just got a, I said, you know what? Give me a dirty martini. And it was so fucking good. You get the exact thing you want and it hits the spot. So good. And when someone does it right, it's like executed properly. Yes. Tinis are, you really got to be careful because you don't realize how fucking strong they are. Yeah. They go down. Yeah. I went on a date and I had,

I want to say like, you know, four or five. Gee, that's a lot of vodka. But they're serving them with a little side thing. Oh, yeah. So it's like you kill one. I'm like, oh, I have a little extra pound. Oh, like a milkshake. So I probably had like eight. And I'm like, holy shit. I woke up that next morning puking my guts out. One of my favorite quotes from my dad was when I was a teenager. And he must have, we were going to drink martinis.

And he must have heard me planning it on the phone or whatever because I was like saying goodbye to him or whatever. And he put his arm around me and he goes, you see my ear? He goes, martinis are murder. Yeah. And they were. They were. They were fucking deadly. Someone kicked over the vodka and we were just drinking vermouth all night. Yeah. That's a bad hangover.

Dude, it's funny as hell that that's like your dark story. Like, you're playing in a heist. Like, we murder him at noon. We're going to drink martinis. Your dad's like, don't do it, son. Yeah. Don't do it. Sounds like a noir film. Martinis are murder. But they are. Like, they fuck you up. What was that thing that Tom Papa said about martinis? Like, one is not enough. He said it's like tits. Yeah, there we go. One is weird. Three is too many, and two is perfect.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I feel like that. I've heard that with just drinking in general. I don't know. I feel like four are pretty good. You like four tits? It's two women. It's a threesome. Or a fat guy. Another type of mammal. A manatee. Five martinis on a date. You must have been rolling. I was on fucking Enfuego for the moment. For the date, I was killing it. The next morning, I was just like...

Yeah, that's the worst. Puking up nothing. That's the worst. When you're just like, I'm just here to puke, but nothing's coming out. Yeah, you're a puker. I was looking for... I was looking for...

for these pills. I used to have this doctor that would just hook me up with like anti-nausea prescription pills and I couldn't find them. So I'm like, I'm like, I don't know, all four of them are like, pill? I can't fucking find these pills. I had to just tough it out. I was able to fall back. I also have to sleep a certain way because my neck is still fucked up. So I'm like, I can't sleep on my side. I have to kind of fall asleep on my back.

So I'm like, it's hard for me to pull. You're going to die Jimi Hendrix style. Yeah, right? It's terrible. Puke in your own mouth and suffocate.

Look at him go, dude. That's a good mix. Just a smidge. I just want a smidge. Just give him a taste, dude. Just rub some on your gums, dude. You want the rest, Peters? Oh, shit. Oh, he's an alcoholic. Tell me this isn't a fucking dope-ass cocktail, the paper plane. All right. I like the glass. Is that a traditional paper plane glass? Usually you want it either in like a smaller coupe glass, but we just used all those. Or you can do what's called like a Nicanor glass, which is like...

One of the small... Is that Nick and Nora Charles? What's up? From The Thin Man? I guess so. I'm not sure where the... Whoa! Yeah, I'm not sure, but it's basically, it's like this, but a little smaller. Like a very small... Like a flute. Almost, but it's like a short stout flute. Got it. Like a gore flute. Like a chode. Is that where it comes from or what? Yes.

There you go. I love the little, is that a paper airplane on the side? Oh, wow. Nice touch. The deep devil's in the details. Yeah, I nailed it. Look at that. Nick and Nora. That's a good rec if you haven't read it. The thin man, a married couple. You know, he's a retired detective. They married. He married her. So now he's like this badass retired detective who's just written. Norm and I always say like,

You want to make a movie cool or a book cool, just make the character rich because you can do anything. Yeah, sure. So the character. Batman. So he's just a rich, cool badass and they solve mysteries together and get fucking wasted. It's a fun. They're fun. I mean, it's by Dashiell Hammond, who is a Pinkerton, who was an actual detective. Really? Yeah. Badass and big inspo for Raymond Chandler.

If you like murder mysteries that are fun books. And the movies, Thin Man movies are great too. Yeah, dude. That drink is insane. You like it? I do like it, yeah. Paper plane.

We're trying to bring it back. I'll order one when I'm out. Oh, yeah. You'll look cool. You'll look like you know your stuff. Yeah, they're getting really popular, too. Oh, yeah? I think we might have something to do with it, hopefully. I might be drunk. We're bringing it back. Bringing it back. Just like in, what is that, Clerks 2? I got a rec for you guys. Clerks 2. And Ari Shafir already made this rec on our podcast, but I'm going to double rec it.

Everything, everywhere, all at once. The movie? I gotta see it. Oh, I gotta see it. We're the only people who haven't seen it. It's just visually... I've never seen a movie. Have you seen Impeters? Okay. Visually, it's like unlike anything you'll ever see. I've never heard one bad review about this movie. Not one. The one thing I will say, it's a little long...

for what it is because it's just like fast paced like bam bam bam for like two hours twelve minutes but it's gorgeous it looks I would say if anyone ever seen like Kung Fu Hustle like the Stephen Cho movies like they're in the same vein okay okay 95 it's a comedy it's weird as hell it's a comedy yeah but it's like a heartfelt comedy it's the kid from Goonies it's

Grown up. Data. Really? A short round also from Indiana Jones. That's right. Let me show you. Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis, thank you. Jenny Slate. That was one of my early comedy crushes. Was she? Do you remember that show she used to do with Brooklyn? Big terrific. Where they would line up out the fucking door. Yes, yes. That show was hot with the dangling, the white tampon strings or whatever those were. Yeah, that was a hot show.

I saw Chris Rock there once. Really? Yeah, yeah. How was that? I saw Zach Guff and I kissed there before. Really? Yeah. Well, he was there with Aziz. I think he was watching Aziz do something and then they were like, you gotta go on. He was like, fuck it, I'll go on. And then he tried a bunch of shit that scared the hell out of him and he left. Because that crowd was a little precious. Oh, they were soft. Soft, exactly. He's too good for them. Now, let me ask you this there, Acid.

You like the acid. I don't touch acid. I did in college. It was too intense. I go all shroom. Oh. Where you at on the mush? I like... I mean, I don't do hallucinogenics anymore, but...

Like, I mean, I would be open to down the road someday. But for me, we just couldn't get the mushrooms. Like, I remember, like, thinking as a teenager, like, oh, mushrooms. Like, it seems so exotic and cool. So we rarely had them. But it's a similar feeling. I feel like... I feel like acid is liquor and mushrooms are beer.

Yes. I was going to say that acid is like mushrooms is like a dull saber and acid is like a sharp one. Yeah. Well, to me, acid was just like, whoa, holy shit. My brain is exploding. I'm seeing and thinking too much where mushrooms are like, I'm laughing. I'm giggling. They're so similar, though. They are very similar. Same vein. You don't microdose ever? You don't do this? I did briefly during the pandemic, but I don't really do it anymore. What brought that on? Just sheer boredom. Yeah.

I remember I was going... I remember I was microdosing. I was going through... I was going through a breakup and I was like super bummed and then I saw... We were hanging out or something like that. You go, you seem like so much better today. And in my head, I was like, yeah, because I'm flying on acid. Really? Yeah. Can you function? Yeah, I just took... I shouldn't say I was flying, but I was a little like I like microdosed...

times two type thing. Wow. But I did feel better during the breakup. But yeah, I don't know. Now I'm just like, whatever, I'll have a coffee. I had a friend in high school. That's the most, I grew up sentence of all time. I used to do that. I'm like, no, just, I'll have coffee. All right. Coffee. Yeah.

I had a friend in high school. I used to trip balls. Now I do Nespresso. Thank you, guys. It's a great commercial for Nespresso. Yeah, right. All right. Take it easy, Beer Jew. Thank you, Beer Jew. Thank you. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you, brother. He swoops in. He swoops out. He's like a drunk Batman. So I had a friend in high school. He got into a fist fight. He was kind of a nerdy guy. He got beat up, whatever.

We were hanging out like a month later. He's on acid. He's flying. He's through the roof on acid. Eyeballs huge, chugging booze, being crazy, climbing up trees and shit. We see the same guy.

who beat him up. He was like a jock. He was like a tough guy and he goes right up to him, beats the shit out of him. No way. Because he was on acid. He was juiced up. He had no fear. Whoa. And just the intimidation. He had the crazy eyes and he was like a foot short of this guy. He was like a football guy and my friend was like this, you know, nerdy skateboard dude, kind of scruffy and he beat the fuck

out of him wow do drugs ad I know just walks up to him with a skateboard like yeah we're like dude don't do it he fucked you up so badly I remember he punched him and he pierced his lip through the tooth like the tooth came through his mouth if that shit happens to you you're probably fearless I

I guess. Once you get your ass kicked like that, you're just like. We grew up in similar situations because you talk about seeing people get the shit kicked out of them. So much fights. I saw it too. Yeah, they would just be like, they would look like they had that disease that the elephant man had afterwards. Oh, yeah. Their face would be all swollen. They'd have like, it looked like half of a tennis ball knots. Yes. It was so brutal. Brutal. I saw guys get kicked in the face when they were down, you know, with a Doc Martin just boom to the face like a soccer kick. It was horrific. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I don't know what that was. Oh, that's horrible. Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, yeah. It's a great ad for Wilson, though.

Wilson? The tennis ball. Yeah, you know, yeah, dude, I mean, that's getting the shit kicked out of you like that. I knew I had a friend like that who would do that. Really? See, New York. He was fearless. He was like one of those dudes who didn't look tough, but every time he fought, it was like game over. I know. It was like something possessed him. Yes. In that moment, he was the most gentle guy. He beat me up once. We were both drunk, and I made the mistake mouthing off to him.

That's hilarious. And he just took my face. I think I swung at him and missed. He took my face and just smashed it on the fucking floor. Bloody nose everywhere. Fuck. And he just fucking... And that was kind of it. I mean, it was like he just kind of kicked me a couple times. I was like, I'm done. Oh, my God. And then when he got in it with other guys, that's when it was like... He sent one guy to the fucking ER. Yeah. And he didn't know what the... You know, just fucking...

I get a fun... And he didn't look like he can fight. Those are the scariest, dude. Of course, of course. But it's such an athletic thing. The coordination and the, like, it's insane. I know, but back then it was adrenaline. Like, it was just like...

It was more like, what's going on at home? Yeah, it is quite revealing. There's just so much anger. Maybe the dad hit you or you had a death in the family or you're gay or there's something in you that's just like, ah, I've been holding this in. I'm angry. I grew up with a guy who had taken... He was like the toughest guy in...

uh, Oshawa and you could even, you could, that sounds like an insult. Oh, he's the toughest guy in Oshawa. If you wanted to, you could, you, he didn't even have to, he was so tough. He had such a reputation that you didn't even need, he didn't even need to be there. You could just remind someone you were friends with him and they would, they would leave you alone. Right, right. It's like a fable. Yeah. And, but he wasn't, he was like a fucking athlete. He was a great hockey player. He had studied Taekwondo. Oh,

So he was graceful and a badass? Dude, it was crazy. He would do like roundhouse. It was like Karate Kid shit in a street fight. He would do like roundhouses and...

crazy. Have you seen the new Karate Kid on Netflix, Cobra Kai? I loved it. I watched the whole thing in like two days. It's so dumb. I mean, it's fun, but have you seen it, Phil? I saw the first season. It's a kid's show. It's a kid's show. Yeah, but I tried to watch the newest season and it's just like all these arcs of like kids like flirting and they're in like

eighth grade and they're like, I can't watch this shit. What am I, a fucking pedo? And then I love how the whole arc of that show is like, remember what happened in ninth grade? I'm like, no 50-year-old talks about this. No 50-year-old is just hung up on a karate tournament. It's part of the fun. That's funny. William Zabka's incredible. The guy who plays Johnny Lawrence. Kills it. Who? Is that the blonde guy? He's incredible. It's such a bummer. It's the acting's like that where he just...

He just nailed it so hard in the original Karate Kid that he didn't do anything since then, right? He had a couple bully movies. Back to school bad guy. He was typecasted. Oh, right. Yeah, because he was the bully. He was the blonde bully in 80s movies. God damn, he's a good actor. But he also is so good at being the vulnerable guy. This is a three-dimensional character. It's funny how that character is so...

And Ralph Macchio's character, you're like, fuck this handjob. This guy, you got a hot wife. You got a big thriving business. And you're just fucking with this dude who lives in like a Motel 6. Yeah. Fuck you. That's true. Oh, yeah, he's worked. Look at that. Oh, really? Maybe I'm wrong. Don't you feel like it was like 20 years where you didn't see him in anything? Oh, definitely. You know the same guy who wrote...

Cobra Kai wrote Harold and Kumar. He worked a lot. Harold and Kumar is great. Really? Great. Bombed at the theater. Yeah. It bombed? It bombed. Really? And it was like a huge thing where everybody's like...

Like, okay, we'll make it. It was a big stretch to make it. Like, everybody's like, we'll take a shot on this fucking weird movie. That's a great comedy. And it's great, but it killed in DVDs. Raunchy. I think that's what happened with Austin Powers, too. I think it killed him in Rentals. Yeah. I don't know. I think that was pretty theater big. We might both be full of shit here. I don't know. Harold and Kumar. Big Lebowski was like that, for sure. God, he worked a ton. I just didn't see any of these movies. Well, first of all, I don't know if any of these are...

Getting out there. Some of these might be direct-to-video. Let's be honest.

Let's scroll over. Let's see some of these. He got nominated for an Oscar for writing a short film. Really? Yeah. That's what it said over here. Oh, wow. All right. That's a great moment in a comedian. Yes. When Orny Adams goes, Stephen Wright, what has he done lately? He won the Academy Award. Because he just got nominated for an Oscar. Oh, he won? Oh, he won an Oscar. He won an Oscar. And he goes, what else? Yeah. What do you mean, what else? Yeah, talk to me when he's got an Emmy. Yeah.

Did you hear Orny on What the Fuck? I listened to the- Sam was listening to it the other night. It's a wild one. Really? Well, he just reveals a lot. The tension is so real between them. Yeah. Mark Maron, I love him, but goddamn, is he like- He's a pill. He's easier to- He was nicer to us, I feel like, Mark, because we're of a different generation. Yeah, we don't threaten him. But if you came up with him- Yep. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. He comes hard at you.

He's just like, I never liked you. Tell me why. He'll open with that. Yeah. I don't know. Goddamn, he's such a great interviewer. He's good. He might be the best. He's like, you know.

He's incredible. I want Marin on this pod, dude. I'd love to have him on. He would trash us. He would trash us and we'd do something. We'll get like Jew food for him. We won't do. That's good. That's what we did with Bert. You guys are chewing Nicorette. We did with Bert. We did root beer floats. We put alcohol on ours. We didn't, you know. But we won't do alcohol. If you don't want to drink, you don't have to drink on here. I can see him sitting there going like, so you guys have to drink to be interested.

You need alcohol to be funny? Oh, I got it. Okay. Oh, you guys drink? You're like bros? You're alpha? I got it. All right. Thanks, Mark. Yeah. Good. Thanks for coming on. We're not alpha at all. I would have been... Were you guys nervous before doing WTF? Oh, for sure. Yeah. I'd be thinking about it the day before, I think. But it was also... I did it like at the height of like the very beginning of COVID where they're like, you're going to do it in person? I'm like, yeah, it's Marin. I'll do it in person. But it was one of those things where I was like...

The world's fucking over anyway. I was at that point, I was like, but yeah, I respect him a lot. I grew up respecting Merrill. Yeah. Like his album. I listened to his albums as a kid, you know? Yeah. And Obama sat in that chair. Exactly. And you go in and he makes you at ease because you go in his house and he's like,

ah, my cat shit on the carpet. And you're like, oh, okay. And he's in shorts and sandals. And so it really comes down a peg. It's not so intimidating. And he's making a tuna fish sandwich. He's like, oh, we're recording five minutes. Let me take a shit. And he makes a coffee. So it was actually kind of loose. Yeah. But... The shit? Yeah, yeah.

Took a loose shit. It fucking helped a lot. I was like, dude, that's a loose turd. He's like, fucking pow. Do you ever go to L.A.? I feel like you don't make that trick. No, I don't make that trick. You got to make that trick every once in a while. Yeah, now that the special's out, you can make that trip. Anything that has happened, anything I've ever done, Sam gives me the advice, and if I do it, it's like a game changer. So yeah, I'll go to L.A.

Yeah, do the rounds. I mean, don't go a ton, but like go enough just to get on the pods and bullshit. I had a CD or like I recorded an album. Wasn't going to put it out. Wasn't happy with it. Sam listened to it. He's like, put it out. And just like it changed everything. I was able to like not have roommates. Yeah.

There you go. 100% thanks to Sam. Why wouldn't you put it out? You just didn't, you weren't happy with it? I didn't know. I was like, ah, I didn't like it. Self-destructive fucks kind of. I guess. Yeah. I was like, I don't like my cadence. Like, it was like, I don't know. It was weird. I just didn't, I wasn't happy with it. But it like, No one's happy with their shit. I guess. And also, you started doing clips, which took a minute. Yeah.

100%. Sam is like, well, you're still good at crowd work. Like Phil is one of the best crowd work comics. And he's a great joke writer too, but he really is like, it is some people they're doing crowd work and you're like, whatever. Phil is genuinely, there's people like, you know, Todd Barry, Phil, like there's certain people you like enjoy watching do crowd work, you know? Phil is so fucking good at it.

He does his own style where he kind of negs the audience. It's a unique way to go into it. Oh, yeah. For sure. But Sam had been telling me for years, just post crowd work clips. Because no one does it like him. And I just didn't do it. And then I started posting clips every other day. And it made a huge difference. This is like in the last month. Wow.

Wow. It took 10 years. But it's just such a different business. Clearly Phil values my advice a lot. He's like, I did it 14 days ago. No, he gives great advice. Yeah, well, it's just a different game. Like we thought, oh, I'll be funny. I'll write jokes. I'll get crowds to laugh at me. But that's like a drop in the bucket now. Being funny is like 7% of it. It's so, I know. I mean, not really. It's like 80%. But you know what I mean? It's like fucking...

Yeah, you got to do all the other shit. And I just hated doing the other stuff. I hate it. I pay people to do it. It's such a pain in the ass. Did you pay people to cut the clips, though? All of it. How do you trust that they would cut it? Well, they go, hey, is this good? And they send it to me. And I go, put that joke back.

in, take that one out, whatever, and then they recut it. But yeah, it's a little scary, but at this point, I'm just like, put it up. I don't care. You start to lose faith after a while because it's so much work. It's so much work. You can't live a normal life. You need to stay relatable as a comic, and you need to do shit. You need to live a life. And when you get this caught up on phones and social media and stuff, you're not going out and doing things. No. And being a person is part of what makes the material relatable. Of course. Yeah, because like...

in New York being it's not a normal activity to do a spot at the cellar then hang with comedians for two hours then you know go home watch two hours worth of TV and go to bed at four get up at noon like you know what I mean that's a great life oh yeah that's all I want you're telling me that's all I do yeah

But, you know, now we were talking about recently, like clips are so important now that I'll have an opener who's like, okay, at comedy, but he's like, oh, I'll cut clips. I'll film the whole weekend. I'm like, you're in. Oh God. Yeah. And that's how it is now. No. Yeah. Also the people that do the clips and the subtitling, they are fucking, they just disappear into the night. That is like the ultimate vagabond. You have someone, you're like, this is great. Yeah. And then like three weeks later, you're like, ah, yeah, I don't know.

I don't shine shoes no more. Yeah, exactly. You get a postcard from like India from the dude. He's a senator now. You're like, that guy? Yeah. Holy shit. But these young comics now, they know how to edit. I'm like, how do you know how to edit? They're like, I learned it, man. I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do to make it in this business. So they know Final Cut Pro and Avid. They take all these classes. It's a smart thing to do if you're like, if you want a little side gig as a comic. It's,

You know, you get extra work. You will, you know. You used to just be having a license. You'd get opening work. A driver's license. I know. That was the car. The clips of the new car. Yeah, clips of the new car. Damn, yeah, you're right. Having a car back in the day. It was huge. That was what they say. Car was the beginning of career. Car. Yeah. That was some quote. Damn. Somebody told me when I started. You can see why I didn't catch on. Not my quote. But yeah.

But dude, I mean, I'm pumped for you. The special I think is really going to pop off. I think so too. It's such a good special and it's like, Oh, thanks. And it's like, you know. Jokes. It's jokes. Yeah, it's jokes. Hard jokes. You film with the seller. Shout out Liz. We love you, Liz. Yeah, Liz is the best. The manager, the seller, the comedy seller, the best club in the world. I'm hot and cold on her. But no, we love you, Liz. We're going to clip that part out. I can't.

It's like Liz manages the cellar and then she also like somewhat manages my life. She's another. Really? Oh God, she helps me with so much shit. It's crazy. I'll see, we live in the same neighborhood, me and Liz, and I'll see her walking a dog. I'm like, what are you up to? She's like, I got to walk the dog.

Then I'm going to turn the lights on at the cellar. The kitchen is fighting with each other. And then I'm going to go feed Michelle Wolf's cats. And then I got eight shows tonight. I'm like, who are you? It's so crazy. I mean, you see her working. Like, tonight at, like, 2 a.m., she'll be at a table, like, da-da-da-da-da-da. With an Aperol spritz and a glass of tea. And the best part is that, like, she took a three-day vacation, which she never takes. Well, good for her. And I swear to God, I had just given her shit. I was like, three days off? Like, you know, I need to...

I was teasing her. Someone walked up to her like, where have you been? And she was like, uh. Yeah. Imagine never taking even one day a week off and you take a three day vacation for the first time all year and everyone's like, where were you? Like, that's your impact. Yeah. That's a hard life. That's your impact. She was getting texts on the beach and shit too. 24 hours a day she gets texts. She manages all the shows. How many shows are at the Cellar a week? Like, eight or something like that. She manages all the shows. All.

All the comics. Yep. Which, you know. We're all a mess. Yes. Then all the staff, all the barbacks, all the fucking sound people. Right. The waiters, the bouncers. Yes. And I'm sure Phil's like, what is Spin Cycle? Which one do I put in? Is it colors and whites? She's like, Jesus Christ.

Then all the crowds. Right. It's insane how many people go in through the cellar a week. I saw her. I don't know if I should say this, but this is how badass Liz is. Here we go. And we'll move on after this because she's going to hate this. But also, you never see Liz go like, ah, I'm just overwhelmed. No. She just keeps it all in and just keeps working. She's a fucking boss. Her fucking...

that she just, it'll be fine. She always says that. Yes. That's her mantra. Her mantra is what she says to me all the time. Interesting. Yeah. She said that the pandemic, I was like, the pandemic, what are we going to do? Is comedy over? She's like, it'll be fine. And that was in like 2020. Two things she says to me. That's what they said in the 9-11 flight. It'll be fine. Two things she says to me is, it'll be fine and Phil, no one cares.

No one cares. That's kind of profound. Yes. In a weird way, like, hey, it's all meaningless anyway. I got my food last night and I got home and I got it to go. And it said, Phil, no one cares. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. She needs a hug. She's the best. Somebody hug Liz for Christ's sake and give her a pounding. I think she needs a good railing. Let's be honest.

God damn it, Mark. We were there one night and this woman was being really rude to her. They're like, you know, the show is sold out. You have to get there at 8.30 for a 9 p.m. show. Everyone knows that. You get there 30 minutes early to get seated. And the person got there at like 9.10 and they're like, you gave our seats away? And Liz was like, you know, the rules is this. I'm sorry. She's being very nice. Yeah. He just...

gave them away yeah like non-stop just berating her and at a certain point I couldn't stand as I went over I was like Liz we just had like a couple seats open up you should give them to them two seats just opened up and she looked at me like smiling and she goes the seats opened up I was like no they didn't you stink and Liz starts laughing hysterically

Oh, that's great. I'm just like, and Liz was like, the person walked away fuming and Liz was like, I hate you so fucking much. That was pretty funny. Yeah, your interactions with her are the best. The Yelp reviews on the cellar are not pretty because it's the best club in the country, but they don't, they're,

There's no nonsense. They mean business. So if you're late, they get rid of your seat. If you talk, they throw you out. They can't. Yeah, that's why... When you're the best, you can kind of get away with it. I guess so. But that's why it's the best. Exactly. Because they don't fuck around. If you show up drunk 20 minutes late for a show, some clubs are going to let you in because they want the ticket price. Sure, sure. But you know that person's going to suck. Exactly. You're 20 minutes late and you're bombed. And they don't let you in. You're hurting the product.

groups in. You know that. You can't have more than what? Four or six people or something? Something like that. That's a great thing. We waited an hour in line. One star. You didn't wait an hour in line, Shardelia. What kind of name is Shardelia? Patrick Murphy's in that one star too. I knew they were bad. The beer was cold. What a fucking horrible thing. Cold beer? Who likes cold beer? The beer was cold. The comics were amazing.

Staff was very rude and quick to quiet you down. Quick to quiet you down? Patrick, you noisy son of a bitch. Patrick, you're a dumb cunt. Comedy's a two-way street. One star again? I knew these reviews were bad. I never even looked at these. It is the best club on the planet. Is it the best club on Earth? It is, but that's why these reviews don't matter. Guess what? If you don't like how you're treated, they're probably better to us. Yeah. Woo!

What's that? Good point. They're probably better to us. You're getting better comics. Yeah. Comics are great. It's the best club. I mean, if someone gives them a rad review, it's the same person that is told to be quiet. Are these literally all one star? I'm telling you, man. If you haven't already, it's smooth.

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So one time I saw a giant comic on stage. I'm not going to say his name. Hugely successful, big, famous comic. And he was hammered. And he's up there like, man, I'll tell you another thing. And one guy was in the crowd like, this sucks. What the hell is going on? Because it wasn't great. I'll be honest. And he was hammered.

and the comics saw this guy doing that he's like what's your problem and he was like i'm just saying your hammer this is weird and he's like you think you're better than me and it was it was ugly whoa eventually they threw that guy out they threw the guy out in the crowd and the guys in the in the wings like why are you throwing me out what did i do this show sucks they were like good games they just shoot him in the head you gotta get out of here and he's like wait what and they're like shimmying him out of there he's like what the

the fuck did i do and i was talking to liz he's like he's gotta go flip back the guy's taking his shit on stage yeah exactly he's doing heroin i was like this smells bad like kill her too but that's how much they love the comics that they're like throw him out because we'd rather have this drunk celebrity on stage and it was pretty you know it was the right move yeah yeah it was like liz was a mob boss she's like him get rid of him kill the cat the cellar is the best club in the world man the best club on the planet the best

I have a show there every Tuesday at 1030. Thank you. I'm going there after this. Oh, hey. I'm pumped to drunkenly bomb some new material. Ooh, I got my spots not until like midnight. My agent just texted me, we're coming tonight. I'm like, great. I've had five drinks. Yeah. Well, it's- It should go well. It's usually my crowd and their, oh wait, you're here tonight.

I'm doing the, I'm doing a longer set with Will. So Vince will host, he'll do time. I'll do like 30 of new and I don't have an hour yet. So I'll just bring them back up and we'll fuck around. Oh, that's perfect. But, but he's, he's great at that. I love Will. Yeah. He's the best with the crowd work and the riffing. Uh, it's remarkable. You have a new 30 minutes. It's not good. It's going to be an ugly 30, my friend.

It's going to be fucking terrible. But still, that's probably... List has a new 45. Yeah. He just put a special out. I don't know. What, he put a special out a month ago? Really? No, the special's been out for a few months. Oh, has it a few months? I don't know, but... But he's a tank. It's pretty early to have... It's going to move again? No, but...

He's getting into stories more. Okay. And so he's putting together like an eight-minute story here, a seven-minute story there, and it adds up. I was just texting Sam last night. I was walking home from the club. I was like, I need a story. I know. Just to have a five-minute chunk. You got to make some worse decisions, my friend. That's where they come from. All my fucking best stories, they come from me getting...

They come from me getting lit on the road. Yeah. And I'm like, there we go. It's true. Yeah. Drinking helps with comedy. Drinking is healthy. I think so. Yeah. For art. BodegaCatSpirits.com.

I got to admit, I did not have high hopes for Big Mac. But you love it. It's so fucking good. It's good shit. And I'm not a rye drink, you know, whiskey or scotch, but yes. Rye's underrated. Yeah. Everyone's on the bourbon train. Everyone's on the scotch train. Get on the fucking rye train. And all these celebrities, they're starting whiskeys and they're all doing tequila. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, stay over there. Let us have the rye. Yep. Kevin Hart is a tequila. I'm like, you didn't even drink. Get out of here.

Come on. Let us have... You have everything else, Kevin Hart. You got Jumanji 9. Unless you want to come on here, Kevin. Yes, we'd love to have you. We'll get you a booster seat and the whole thing. I brought my... I brought Kevin Hart up once at the cellar. Like, I was...

They were just like, bring up Kevin Hart, you know, not even to the host, to me. I was on stage. Yeah. And I was like, all right, thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart. You know, I did my thing, my dumb thing. And then I was like, you guys are in for a treat. Kevin Hart. And I thought he'd be like, why'd you say you're Kevin Hart? But he didn't even hear it. Oh, really? Yeah. I was waiting for like a fun little exchange. He was literally, he got a call from his agent. He's like 40 million. Cool. Oh, I meant, what did he say? Yeah. Yeah. Hold on Spielberg. I gotta go on. But.

He was fun. He's a nice guy. Great guy, nice guy, funny guy. I met him once and he was fucking awesome. Great guy. Just very cool. Super nice. I was standing beside him right...

basically where that photo was taken and he was saying he was about to go on he was doing new stuff and he turned to me he goes yeah the car's picking me up like for set tomorrow at like 630 and it was like 1.30 or 2 in the morning like he works and he's working new stuff he's working laps into a set he's like gets a huge laugh he's like oh

All right, back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's his act, though. I was doing the, what's that, Mohegan Sun. I was in the comedy club. There's an arena there. He was at the arena. I was at the Mohegan Sun comedy club. And I went to the gym. I made it to the gym at like 11 a.m. He was already in there, just alone, just going at it. Wow. Working out. I leave. I see him. I don't bother him. He's working out at the gym. I leave at like noon.

You know gamble little whatever start drinking hang out hooker go to the buffet I walked back to the pool I was like maybe I'll take a dip and the pool is connected to the gym and this is like for Still in the gym no Kevin Hart. Are you serious? He maybe does like two sets even still so I mean it's still there Insane so he is just that guy. He's a he's a warrior. He's a stop. He is fit. Oh, yeah. He's ripped. Oh

Huge dong, apparently. Really? 10-inch. Yeah. That's what Patrice would say. Really? Keith Robinson, too. Keith, too. Keith has a huge... Keith Robinson, dude. Keith, his new material is so funny. He's great. Have you seen him? Keith Robinson has a new bit. So, Keith is a great comic who mentored Kevin Hart. And a lot of... And a lot of Philly guys. Yeah. But Keith has, you know, he's had his second stroke and he's a new bit about how...

He has a new bit about how he sometimes forgets he's disabled and will catch himself laughing at other disabled people. That's a great premise. And they just look at him like, yeah, you too. He's like, all right, shit. That's brilliant. It's fucking great. You want to talk about having a new hour. He just had a second stroke and has a new hour.

He's doing hours at the cellar. He's like working on it. I love Keith Rock. Stroke is genius. He might be one of the coolest dudes I've ever met in my life. The funniest. Yeah. Funniest, coolest. The best ball buster on the planet. Because he does it. He actually loves everybody. Yes. Comes from love. Yeah. And his laugh is so fucking funny. If you hit him back,

He laughs. Oh, 100%. It's not mean. It's supposed to be like play. Yeah. You go, I go or whatever, but it's just great. He's a classic. But he tells stories about the old school seller when Patrice and everyone would bust balls. And he told me a story about cruising in with a new sweater.

And he's standing in the doorway. He's standing in the doorway. And someone yelled from the table, like made fun of him. He knew, like, okay, I'm like, you know, this is a risk. Yeah. And he said he just remembers, like, you just turn around and leave. Because you couldn't spend the whole night. You know what I mean? Yeah, of course. Of course. It's so different now. I know. He followed me on stage the other night. And they were bad. They were really bad. And I got off. I was like, dude, they were really bad. And he goes...

We'll see. Like cocky. Yeah. And he went up and he goes, they were really bad. I didn't believe you. And then we followed each other. He followed me like three straight shows. And after every show, he'd be like, you better not fuck me again. Yeah.

Put it on you. That's great. So, yeah, he's so good. And a lot of people try to do what he does, but they don't have the – he's special because he has some warmth to him. He'll laugh at you. These other guys are like – they're just cocky and mean. Yeah. He's cocky and mean, but he's got a heart and he likes you. It's an art. It's an art.

Absolutely. He perfected it. He's cocky, mean, but also he's busting your balls and he's got that thing where he's so revered that it's an honor that he's even focusing on you. Of course, of course. I remember when I was brand new at the cellar, he was trashing me all night one night and Gary Goldman drove me home one night and Gary in the car...

I said, is it weird how much he shits on me? And he was like, are you kidding me? I'd kill for him to shit on me that much. He was jealous that he was shitting on me that much. It's like Rickles. You want him to trash you. You want it, yeah. And another thing about Keith, how Sam was saying earlier that you gotta live a life or whatever. Keith...

life experience. Oh my God. Just the depth. That's why he's so great. Yeah. We got to get him on here. Yeah. Yeah. He's got, he's got some stories. He's got like 12 baby mamas. He's got nine kids. It's great. It's fun. That's not true. I'm trying to make it more. That's a complete lie. Well, he's got, I think he's got one kid. He's got some stories about, I,

I peppered my own interpretation in there, but he's got, he's got some fun stories. Baby mamas. Where the fuck did they go? And only nine kids. He's got a, like the old lady throwing the shirts out of the window story. He's got that shit. He's got crazy stories. Plus he, like Sammy said, he like fucking mentored everyone. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I,

think we need a little of that. I don't want comics to be mean. I don't want people to hurt other people's feelings, blah, blah, blah. But there needs to be a little put in check in comedy. Yes! We're missing that. And also, he does it with warmth. It's not done in a way like, I'm gonna hurt you. It's a way like, I'm gonna fucking... I'm gonna... Like, dude, I've had Bodega Cat. I was...

Liz bought a bodega cat at the cellar the other night. And the second Keith heard it, he was like, oh, you and Mark Norman have a whiskey. Colin Quinn starts shitting on me. There you go.

Even Ryan Hamilton, you know, you don't expect to be the guy to shun you. Ryan goes, oh, with a name like Bodega Cat, you know it's going to have widespread appeal. Everyone's trashing us. Colin Quinn's like, I'm furious. I'm furious you guys are making a whiskey. But then, of course, at the end of the night, I'm texting Norman about it. He's like, but you're glad they're saying it to our face. Yes. There's nothing worse than leaving and being like, get a load of these jerk-offs. They're like, great idea. Then you leave.

I mean, if this wasn't being recorded, we could name 10 comics that don't get it to their face. Of course. And that's the ultimate insult. Oh, that's the... Because that means we mean it. Yeah, exactly. You're not really a comic. Nothing worse than someone being nice to you. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Incense. Yeah. Well, that's what, you know, like, oh, I love your haircut. You know, like women do that. Then they walk away and like, she's fucking lesbian. She'll never get laid or whatever the hell. You know, you want the truth. 12 baby mamas. Yeah.

That's the name of the zip. But, yeah, like, that's from, okay, going back to watching the comedian and moving to New York, that's what fucking blows my mind is, like, tonight, shooting the shit with Colin Quinn. I know. It's,

Who's cooler? No one is cooler. We still think of like, you know, that's the thing. It's like, we're still comedy nerds. So it's like crazy that we know David Tell and Colin Quinn. Insane. Like, he'll call me at like 3 a.m. last night. It was one of those calls where I get it like, he just texted me at 3 a.m. and I'm like, I'm up. Yeah. And it's like, it's like a you up text, but just a check-in call. Yeah. And we're just shooting the shit and I'm like...

Holy shit, I'm on the phone with David Tell. He's like the greatest comic ever. I know. Yeah, crazy. I talked to him today and my lady walked in the room and I'm like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't want to, I was like in the zone. I was talking to David Tell so I didn't want to like have any distractions. Yeah. She was like, what was that? What were you talking to? I was like, David Tell. She's like, oh, okay. I get why you were behind the couch. You know, you didn't want any sounds. I was naked. Yeah.

It's hard. But I had to just, I had to be present with Dave Attell. Oh, yeah, 100%. You don't want to be on the sidewalk like, hold on, Dave, there's a guy walking by. Why did you throw the cat in the window? Almost, almost. Hmm. Now.

Yeah, yeah. Was he asking you if someone had a bit like that? No, he was asking me about some clubs he's doing. I told him that he was asking about a club in Louisville, and I said, Norman's just played there. So he called me. I'm playing there. I wasn't ready for it, so I was like, ugh. Oh, that's, yeah, you want to be ready for that. Oh, yeah.

It was out of the blue. But we did like 30 minutes on call. And I got a couple laughs and that's all you want. He's the best. I had a call like that. And then you, I don't even know if you knew that I was on the phone. Huh? It was like two Sundays ago. I was visiting someone and out of state. Phil was talking to his baby mama. One of the 12. One of the dozen. I was visiting someone. This is a great episode.

This podcast is getting more and more cryptic. You talk like a Baptist preacher. Like, hey, I was visiting someone. Anyways, this could be one of nine women that Phil is talking about. Whichever one. Good job. Whichever one, I love you, baby. I was scantily clad, just, you know, had, you know, whatever. Post-coitus. Something like that. Okay. And the phone rings. It's like an L.A. number.

And like, pull the butt plug out of your ass. Yeah, not yet. No. So I pick up the phone. It's Bert and he's recording a podcast and he's asking me. Yes. He's, and I'm like, eh, yes. And he's asking me about watches and we're talking about watches or whatever. And then he's like, oh shit. And then, so we're talking and then Whitney phoned you. Yeah. And, uh,

I realized how much better you are at podcasting than me because they asked you about shoplifting or something and like at a drop of a hat, I was like, I answered and was like, oh, hey, oh, what's up? Like it took me a minute to figure out it was being recorded or whatever. Norman was like off to the radio. He's like, ah, shoplift, you're going to kill me. Yeah, he's like going off. I'm like,

I didn't know you were on the phone. We were wrapping my segment up. I had no, to this day, I think it was being recorded. I don't fully know. I'm sure it was. I'm sure it was. I didn't know, but for a minute, I thought they were just asking me like a watch question. Yeah. But it was funny because he's like, oh, I think Whitney's calling Norman. And within two seconds, you were off like talking about shoplifting. Well, I figured if they're calling me, it's going to be recorded. I didn't know who, it just came up a blank number. Ah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. His business is so silly. I know, I know. If that person calls me, it's going to be for everyone. Yeah. Exactly. That's what it means. That's crazy. I know. That's crazy the world we're in. Yeah, it's a lot of pressure. I'm seeing him soon. I'm excited to see him. Who? Bert. Where are you seeing Bert? Pod. Oh, you're doing the LA pod? Yeah. Oh, dude. It's at his house. Wait till you see his house. Can't wait to see his house. Really? Dude, he lives next to a...

Are you supposed to be saying this? Probably not. He lives next to Henry Winkler. Bleep that out. Famous dyslexic. Right? Yeah, he is. Princeton dyslexic, I think. Yeah, that's where we met. Jew from Brooklyn, I think. Yeah, legend. Check that. I think he's a Brooklyn guy. But either way, his house, it's everything you want in a house. He's got a giant gym in the back in a shed. Really? Does he know that? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, the gym had a lot of dust on it. But, oh, Manhattan. I was close. Okay. Einrich. I heard he's the nicest guy in show business. I heard the same thing. Yeah. Everybody says he's the best. Yeah, he's so good on Barry. God dang, he's good in Barry. Barry's a great show. Yeah, Barry's good. 76.

So yeah, Bert's out. He's got the fire pit. He's got the pool. He's got the hot tub. He's got the back deck with the barbecue pit. He's got a podcast studio. He's got the man cave. He's got a home theater. It's insane. Wow. Incredible home. Yeah.

You know, all you see is like L.A. in the news and it's like homeless and fires and, you know, shootings. And then you go to Bert's house, you're like, I get it. I get why people live here. The weather's perfect. I'm in the hot tub with the high life, you know, just living it up. That's the thing about being super rich. You're like, yeah, things are going to be okay wherever you are. I know. I know. Exactly. You can be in Saudi Arabia. You got money. You're like, things are good. Yeah. I don't know. I'm looking around. Yeah. Yeah.

It was pretty cool. And then he was in, I got there early and he was shooting a podcast with Mike Birbiglia. So then Mike Birbiglia and Bert walk out of this garage and you're like, where am I? This is the craziest life. Yeah. Fun, fun showbiz. It's fun. Showbiz baby. Showbiz baby. Then Bobby Lee showed up and we did an episode.

Love it, man. Good times. Any recs, Phil? Ooh, good question. Oh, and I haven't done my pep peeves. Oh, shit. And I haven't done the new bit. Whatever you got. Oh, yeah. What I recommend, one thing, and you listened to it and you loved it, I recommend, and you'd get a kick out of it too, I think. Lay it on me. The Ween Country album. Whoa.

Sammy? It's mad good. It's so good. I like Ween. So Ween- I didn't feel pushes as hard. I'm like, I got to give it a go. It's damn good. Ween- So Ween- I believe the story was that Ween owed like one extra record on some contract and they were like-

wanted to like we'll show you this could be untrue but okay we'll show you and they went i do know they went to nashville and they recorded this album with the jordan airs which were elvis's backup band whoa japanese cowboy so they do they it's a country album and each tune is a different type of country like there's like that like 70s like trucker like driving an 18 wheeler over the town line country then like a country ballad right and uh

Yeah, the lyrics are hilarious. It's fucking great. So I recommend the Ween country album. But also listen to the fucking Grateful Dead. Listen to American Beauty. Listen to Working Man's Dead. Then go live with Europe 72. And then treat yourself to like Spring 90. Okay, boy. And this guy, nobody knows more about the dead than you. I know for a civilian, I know a lot. Yeah, well, what do you think about the Garcia Band?

Oh, fuck. Love the Garcia Band. I love them too, but I feel weird. I'm like, it's not the dead, but it is the dead, but they're part of the dead. Jerry Garcia Band. I mean, it feels very spiritual. People, like heads, call it like church music. Yeah. And you know what's great about the dead is they give you hope as an artist. Quote, unquote. I hate saying that, but they never hit it big, really. But they're tour everywhere. They're sold out everywhere they go. Did they not hit it big? No. Well, they started.

They started in 65 and they built their following by basically they did what comics do now by telling fans to follow them. They sent out one of their albums said dead, dead freaks unite. Who are you? Where are you? And people would send in postcards and then they would mail out information about the tours and all this stuff. They let all their fans, they had a section in the stadium where you could tape all the shows. So once they played it, the music was the fans. So there's over 2000 shows you can listen to.

And they started in 65. Their first hit was in like whenever Touch of Grey came out in 87. Yeah. Oh, my God. It wasn't even number one either. And that's what – 22 years in. Yes. But that's where the problem was because then they became super, super popular. But in the 90s, they were like the most popular. They'd sell out Soldier's Field like two nights in a row. Wow.

Yeah. Well, there you go. You see? If it's good, it's good. It doesn't have to be commercially successful. Look at that beautiful man with the smile. Yeah, and Jerry was just like, to see him perform was... Oh, you saw him? Yeah, when I was a kid. Yes, it was unlike anything...

What was so special about it? He just had a thing. And there are people that put it more articulately than I do. And like, you know, like famous musicians ever. He just had this thing you can't put your finger on. He was just such a great performer. And everyone would focus on him. And everyone would follow each note. And he would do things. I remember once I had my eyes closed. And I said to, I was with like an older like friend of the family. So I was like.

what just happened? Cause the crowd goes crazy. Sure. What just happened? They go, Jerry lifted his leg. Oh my God. People were so focused on him. Yeah. Um, yeah, he was just such, he was just such an incredible performer. But if you, if you listen to Jerry Garcia band, you kind of get an idea of, cause he's got the backup singers and he just, he like a comic, he just worked, he tour with the dead and then he would want to go back on the road and he'd immediately tour with, um, Jerry Garcia band.

Yeah. But that's like, it feels like it's got like a gospel, like spiritual... Total community vibe. Yeah. It's a love fest. How did he die? He died. It's really sad. So he went into rehab and he died that night in rehab of... OD? Heart attack? Heart failure or like heart attack, heart failure. But he also, he did...

You know, he did partake in narcotics, but he also, he didn't have a very healthy diet. Sure, sure. He's a big dude. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. But, so I recommend starting, because people are always like, where to start with the dead? I'd say American Beauty. I'm going to get it. I'm going to do it. Yeah. I mean, it's just great.

And then Working Men's Dead. And then if you want to delve into live, then Europe 72. And then just go crazy, maybe a little Spring 90. Yeah, the music's so... I listen to it when I write a lot. I'll put a Grateful Dead kind of mix. Yeah. And it goes all over to the Garcia band, Grateful Dead, and then other shit later. But...

I write all the time on it, but then when that one fucking song, the Clarice... What is it? Charisse? Ruben and Charisse. Yes! When that song... Whoa, this is a deep cut! I'm impressed! Oh, really? Yes! That song is so beautiful! I have to stop writing and just listen to it. It's amazing. I have a story about Ruben Charisse. Oh, please! So...

Ruben and Sharice was a Jerry Garcia band tune. The Dead did play it like a couple times in the 1991. And you hear the live, if you put Ruben and Sharice live, Dead, 91, you hear the crowd because they knew it was a Jerry Garcia band and for The Dead to play it. The crowd just goes fucking bonkers. It's my favorite song of theirs. Dude, it's amazing. But...

But Ruben cheats on Sharice. And I met a woman one night. We were in Vancouver. We were partying. And there's this girl named Sharice. And we were partying. And da-da-da-da. We're hanging out. And at the end of the night, we're like, everyone's saying goodbye. And I said to you, I go, I love your name. I go, it's the name of my favorite Grateful Dead tune, Sharice. And she started crying.

And she goes, I know, but Ruben cheats on Sharice. And I'm like, he doesn't cheat on her. He doesn't cheat on her. And then years later, I found out, yeah, I listened to the lyrics over again. I'm like, hey, don't cheat on her or whatever. But she was quite uplifted when she found out that Ruben didn't cheat on her. I thought she was the girl in the song. No, no, no. She was just a woman that I guess her parents were deadheads and they named her after Sharice.

Damn. Yeah, but that's a great tune. Great tune. It's a beautiful love song, but I think he does cheat with someone from the audience. Oh, there you go. Yeah, Ruma with a comic. Wow. Yeah, and they're so like, I mean, this guy does not look like a rock star, but he just is. I love that, too. They all were like that. They never gave in to any trends. I mean, Jerry's their...

I'm sure wearing black track pants. Yep, yep. And they all look totally different. Bruce Hornsby's in the house for the early 90s. Yeah, it's like Dave Attell. It's just about the art. It's not about the look or how cool I am or the celebrity. Yeah, look at Phil Lesh. He looks like a shop teacher. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Can you turn it up a little? Oh, is this it? Oh, okay. Yeah, so they only played this tune a few times because it was a Jerry tune. Oh, yeah.

And then, of course, Scarlet Begonias and all the other big touchy-gray classics. But this is a deep, deep... Really? Well, I mean, not for Jerry Band, but for the dead, yeah. All right, this is my favorite by far. What I like to do is I just put in a show in YouTube, and I just... So I don't look at the thing. I just have it playing in the... You can put in anything. Like, we'll go MSG and just listen to, like... They used to play eight nights at MSG. So do you dig fish and all that?

No, I never got into fish. I never did either. But again, talk about following. Yeah, they saw the garden four times. They sold at the garden 13 times for they did this like baker's dozen. Unbelievable. Yeah. No, I don't know. I just like the dead. I never really got into fish. I understand why people like it.

Yeah. But, and I think if I, yeah, I just, I don't know. I just had this thing for the dead since I was a kid because Bob Weir was dyslexic. And when I found that out when I was a kid, I just liked it. How about that? Yeah. There you go. There you go. Yeah. He was an acid guy. Bill Willey Alwarp. Yeah. Well, there you go. All right. Good rec. Good rec. You see the passion. I mean. I love it. People have told me you got to do a dead pod. Me? Yeah. Yeah. I've tinkered with it. It's like hard. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

I've thought of it. It's such a wealth of information. It's my favorite topic. Yeah, it's basically all I like to talk about. Let's give a shout out to Marcus Price. Yeah. He did the special. Yes. Yeah, Marcus did a great job. Great guy. Marcus Russell Price on Instagram and stuff. Yeah, I can't wait to see the finished product. But, I mean, I was there. It was killer. So, definitely. Yeah.

big big i mean he does like our shit schumer shit your shit pete davidson john mulaney aziz he's like hannibal he's everywhere it's basically if you see a great comedy photo a live photo chances are he took it of someone these days he does everybody oh yeah all right and uh you should we do bits or is that crazy uh yeah let's do a bit all right is that crazy i don't know i don't know how long we're going or whatever yeah phil well you got something

I have a... Okay, so this is a bit... So can we just do premises? Yeah, that's what we prefer. Uncooked, half-baked. This is fucking... I've tried to put this in the oven so many fucking times. I love an oven. And you both know it in poor Sam. Better not be a Jew. Sam has heard this a million times. I've probably talked to you better than you, Norman. Okay. But I have... The premise is that hooking up with an ex...

is the closest we can come to time travel. I love this already. Great premise, yeah. But it will not... Is it just for people that sleep with their exes? No, I think you just need the perfect time travel cliche. You know what, dude? I've spent like... I think the movie Back to the Future, but instead of like an old guy with white hair, it's a woman who just knows a few new sex positions. Right, right. I don't know, like...

I tried the angle of going back to the future because you've had sex with a bunch of other people. All of a sudden, you know a bunch of old moves. It's like showing up in the 80s with an iPod. That's funny. You pull the person away. I cannot get the audience on board. Yeah. And I've tinkered with it for a long time. Yeah.

right. That is a tough one. And I've Googled. This bit is like a time machine. It really is. Yeah. But you can't perfect it. I've tinkered and I've like Googled like

excuse me, time travel cliches and all that shit. Yeah. It's hard. Maybe the problem is that Back to the Future is so, is kind of the ultimate time travel movie. Sure. And it's so old that a reference from Back to the Future doesn't fly anymore. Time travel. Time travel. There's also that other thing of like, you know, they say you go back in time, you step on one twig and it changes the course of the earth or whatever. Yeah, like I've tried that, like about like pregnancy,

Like wearing a condom and all that stuff. Yeah. It is wild though. Hooking up with an ex is a monumental event. Yeah. Cause it is kind of like time travel. You're like, should I be doing this? Yeah. Am I going to fuck up something in the future? Yeah. Right. You know, like, uh, right. Damn. Am I fucking up the balance?

Yeah, the balance. Exactly. It's tough because it needs to be simplified. It needs that one perfect angle because it's a good premise, but it's loose. Yeah, oh, it's loose. So we've got to dilute it down to that one thing. People always say I would kill baby Hitler, but you're like, I would fuck Sharon one more time. Oh, yeah. And if she had a baby, I'd kill that one too. Something like that. Oh, damn. That's good. Oh.

Oh, yeah. What's the cause? Remember David Tell had that bit about you ever want to go back and fuck somebody you fucked 20 years ago to show them how much better you are at it. Look who's not crying. Yes, yes. Classic Attell. Classic. Yeah. Made it past your thigh. Ah, then maybe. Ah, shit. Yeah, I don't know. That's a tough one. It is tough. Let me noodle on it. Noodle, baby.

I almost want to pull out a Jules Verne book and leaf through it for some ideas. Yeah, I want to Google Jules Verne. He wrote The Time Machine. Oh, really? Yeah. There's a book called The Time Machine? Oh, yeah. Really? Or is that H.G. Wells? H.G. Wells. It's H.G. Wells. Sorry. Jules Verne wrote 20,000 Leagues. Under the Sea? I actually don't know. Oh, boy. He's a writer. What did he write? Oh, boy. Okay. He wrote...

Didn't he write Journey to the Center? There it is. Well played. Around the World in 80 Days. Yeah, I don't know. Time Travel. Ah, shit. Yeah, it's a tough one. Going Back in Time. I think we're looking too hard. I think it's a simple thing. Yeah, I think it's never for free.

It always comes with a consequence, right? You're going to hurt the future in some way. That's why you wear a condom. Did you step on a leaf? You're like, no, I fucked her. Like, it's like now you're like, oh, shit. Space-time continuum. Maybe, you know, what you always learn kind of in these time travel movies is that the future is kind of like accepting the present is better than the past. Oh.

Maybe the angle is you're like, hey, man, turns out that wasn't a good idea. You know what I mean? The future is bleak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I think maybe the problem is there hasn't been a big time travel movie recently. That would help. What about Inception? Isn't that, is that time travel? That's like time bending. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay.

It's like in dreams and stuff. Can you relate to that? When you do sleep with an ex, it feels like all of a sudden everything feels like it was 10 years ago. 10 years ago, yeah. You go right back to it. That's why I love the proud. It's so relatable. Yeah. You're laying in her bed again. The smells. Her bed, the smells, the feet. Like even, I swear to God, your genitals have a memory, man. Yes, yes. You're like, oh, here we go. The inside jokes are the same. Yeah. I'm thinking of a memory foam joke.

With the mattress. I once pitched a memory foam joke to you, and it's the only time you fucking let me have it. Well, there's a lot of those out there. I didn't know. I hadn't been going to open mics in a long time. It's been done. Yeah, it was done to death. I learned a valuable lesson. Yeah. Is it hot in here or am I gay? It feels warm. Maybe it's the flannel. I think it's the flannel. Yeah. I'm sweating. All right. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, there's something with this. I've been in a memory foam confrontation. I know. You saw it.

All right, what do you got? So this one I might have pitched by you guys. I can't crack it. There's something here. Okay. I haven't said this on the pod, have I? About the Elon Musk joke, have I? About how, like I say, he's got like eight kids, and I say what I think unites the ultra-rich and the ultra-poor is that they will come in anything.

That's my premise. They will both come in anything. I think it's like the ultra rich are like, yeah, I'm rich. It'll work out. And poor people are like, I mean, I'm fucked anyway. I can't afford one kid. I'll just have 12. It's so true. It's like the ultra like luxury and also like, yeah, I'm fucked. Let's have some fun. Uh-huh.

Let me nut inside this person. I can afford eight kids, and what's the difference anyway if I have eight kids? Right. That's kind of the angle. Yeah. I don't really know where to go. There's a mom in a trailer with eight kids running around. She's on welfare. She can't afford any of it. Or a mom with eight trailers. Yeah. And Elon Musk is like, I got eight kids. I'll just go to Mars. I can't believe he's got eight kids. Yeah. He might have more. I think Nick Cannon has more than that, by the way. Nick Cannon has nine. He's got a lot of kids. Damn. Yeah, that's funny.

You don't want to be a middle class person with eight kids. Well, yeah, they're like, I have some things I could lose. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's just a hard eight right there. Boom. What about Nick Cann? He's got nine. Nine. Wow. That is wild. That's child abuse if you ask me. Yeah. I guess he can afford it. Oh, he's got eight. One died. I think he has nine. All right. He's got one die. Yeah, he got rid of one. Maybe number nine. Wait, that's confusing.

All right. I like the kid's name is Zen. We don't think about you. The ninth baby's name was Oops. Yeah. Oops Cannon. That's not bad. Oops Cannon. That's the... Never mind. All right. Let's see. I'll figure it out. It's funny. We're fried. I don't know how to go with it. We're fried. We've been drinking all day.

We're bad at comedy. Poorest and the richest. That's where they intersect. Yeah. Maybe that's like the only thing they have in common. Yes, yes. You don't know what it's like, you know, the poor people are mad at Elon Musk. You don't know what it's like to be broke like us. You rich piece of shit. And he's like, well, we have the same amount of kids, you know? Right, right. Or you do the same thing to commiserate or to celebrate. Right.

And you're the same. Yeah. Yeah. Or like ejaculating. And they're both apparently against abortion. You know, they're both like, no, that's wrong. Because Elon's all about, he's like, we got to populate. Really? And then the porpoise, we just like fucking. He's all about, we need to populate. Also, he's like, we got to get to Mars. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. He wants to populate and leave. Which one is it? Yeah. Interesting.

What do you got? Mine sucks. You guys, yours are like, you guys both have like a rich idea. Mine is silly. We can't fucking go anywhere. We can't crack them. Yeah. I got a couple of those, but I'll try a quick one.

So, you know, I think like most kids when I was younger, I'm talking really young, I wanted to be black. You want to be black. It's cool. They're cooler or whatever. Yeah. And so I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. I went to public school. So if you got called the N word, it was exciting. So I wonder if there's people transitioning who like a guy transitioning into a woman and somebody's like, ah, you can't. They're like, I made it, you know, because I'm a woman. You're calling me like a bitch, you know, like they get called a bitch like.

Thank you. He realizes I'm a woman. Yeah, the word cunt is like, it's not appropriate, except for this time. It is kind of welcoming. It's kind of welcoming. Like, hey, this guy's a dick, I guess, but at least he sees me as a lady. Someone says, this bitch is on the rag, and they're like, thank you. Yeah, yeah, I feel recognized. I feel recognized. That's a good way to put it.

Yeah, because, you know, obviously not black, but if you got called an N-word, you're accepted. Yeah. And you're in. Even though that is a horrible word, much like cunt. You don't get called a cunt. But if you're in that position, it's the best thing you could ever hear. Not the best thing, but it's... It's something for sure. You know, it means like this guy definitely thinks I'm a lady.

Yeah. Who I feel like inside. Yeah. He's like, you bitch. You're like, that means so much to me. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. All right. There's something there. Louie had that old bit about he grew up with this guy who was like the meanest kid. Then he transitioned and he tried to reach out to the lady and she was mean to him. And he went, he went, he goes for it. You went from a dick to a cunt. That's Louie's bit. That's solid. Yeah. Yeah. But all right. I think there's something here. The N word, cunt, maybe. Yeah.

We'll try. I'll try it tonight. Fuck it. Well, watch Phil's special on YouTube right now. Please. It's called Ooh La La. Yes. Ooh La La. It's killer. Killer. Great special. The time travel bit is not in there. So give it a check. Great comic, Phil. Yeah. Can I plug San Francisco? Please. Yeah. You're in SF next week, right? Come see me in San Francisco from the 5th.

To the 8th. One of the best clubs. It's like San Diego as well coming up. Yeah, San Diego. Oh, great. Yeah, the 27th, 28th, 29th. Two of the best cities. Yes. SF for me, San Francisco, that's the first... Molly was the first person to like...

For me to feature in America on American Ground. Whoa. Yes. What a great room to start in, by the way. And then the first club to headline me. Amazing. And I normally play there the weekend before the Dead play Shoreline. Oh, my God. Yeah, so I do the punchline and then I go to the Dead. That's a magical week. I know. San Francisco, I love it. And to me, San Francisco feels like half...

Vancouver, half New York City. I could see that. Really? Do you see that? Some people argue with me. No, I love it. The weather. SF is beautiful. The airiness and the water, but it's still got the architecture. Yeah, exactly. You could walk there. Yeah. Yeah.

Good call. That's a great week. And SF, just a magical place. One of the best places. Capodega Cat, bodegacatspirits.com. We love you for supporting it. Please watch my Netflix special same time tomorrow. Yes. Let's blow that up. I'll be in Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, OKC, Springfield, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Woo!

Some of the worst cities. Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. Kill Me Now Tour. Oshawa. Auschwitz. You're going on a televangelist run, you know? I'll be in a tent in Fort Wayne. The Lord has risen.

I'm in San Jose, Orlando, Richmond, Iowa City, Lincoln, Minneapolis, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, Vancouver, New Orleans. Vogue Theater? You're doing the fucking Vogue Theater? You know it?

course i know all right that's the hometown boy yeah phil modeled there he was at a g-string i'll be in wilbur you're doing the wilbur we're doing zadies we're doing the philmore we're doing uh something in new haven the toronto the blue note in hawaii that'll be interesting whoa i'm taking some wacky gigs folks yeah do it up yeah yeah wilbur is really wacky do it for the story what are you thinking

Well, Blue Node, that's a jazz club. That's just, I want to go to Honolulu. Yeah, that's what the fans want to hear. Well, they know Honolulu's good.

You guys are the best. We love you. Thanks for listening. Get our whiskey. Subscribe to the Patreon. WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. Email us. Send us packages at 251 West 39th Street. Nice. We Might Be Drunk. Phil, the special's awesome. Thanks for having me. We love you. You're one of our best buds. I love you guys. Thank you for having me. Drink Bodega Cat. I'm not making any...

money off of but god damn it's good i was shocked appreciate it sir and yeah check out phil's special and apparently got an album out there ooh la la i got yeah please don't chit chat while i'm pursuing my dream that's that's old that's old but check out ooh la la please follow on instagram for clips instagram phil m hanley clips great bits follow phil phil m hanley on uh instagram follow him on all the stuff uh youtube tiktok all that stuff we love you guys thanks for listening comedy

sunday's the day for my next event