Ep 96: Daniel Sloss
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Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. We're doing it. We're drinking. We're drinking. Is this our first international app? Ooh.

Daniel Sloss. Yeah. Am I popping the overseas cherry? Yes. It might be. You're the hymen. Yeah. I'm excited, man. I'm excited. We tried to get you last time, very early in the We Might Be Drunk days. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think I would have been. That was about to be a lie. So I would say I would have gotten more drunk then than now because now I'm a dad. But that's not changed my drinking at all.

Like, if anything, when he wakes up in the middle of the night, you just have more energy because you're like, oh, yeah, fuck it. I'm in the mood for crying. This is good. Yeah. But hungover as hell, but hungover with a baby has got to be rough. Yeah, it does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't smoke weed. Oh.

Hey, there you go. More drugs. Yeah. If you're willing to just sit through a hangover and have a baby during that time, then yeah, that can be shit. Or you can just coast out the other end because you can be high with a baby. That's true. You can't be high with a toddler, I don't think. Once they start recognizing the smell or you're around other parents who know the smell, that's when you've got to nip it in the bud. No pun intended. No pun intended. Both eating the baby food. Strain pee.

baby. Yeah, one for me, one for the baby, one for me, one for the baby. But yeah, being high with the baby is good because you, you know, I'll stare at plants for 45 fucking minutes if I'm baked as well. We can just go in the garden, touch some fucking flowers. Great day. That's a fun day. I can't smoke. I get so paranoid on weed. I can't do it. I didn't realize until I was in my 30s that now marijuana is

starts giving me anxiety. But when I was younger, because I was such a cocky piece of shit who thought he was God's gift to the world...

like i think the paranoia did me a lot of favors because like i would remember being high my brain would be like you're not as good as you think you are everyone probably thinks you're a dick and that was the first time those thoughts had ever occurred to me yeah and i was like oh my god maybe they do and then i started being like do you think i'm a dick and people were like yeah definitely and i'm like oh this isn't paranoia this is just the truth holy so you stopped

No, no, no. I just smoked more weed and reflected more on it. And then I now have an unhealthy dose of anxiety, which before I meet people, I'm like, no, they already hate me. Yeah, now that you have the healthy dose of self-hatred, it's not working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't get that early on. Just was straight into, I'm the best. Because I started on a much smaller...

than the New York scene. Did you guys start here? I did, yeah. Pretty much, yeah. And like how long was that before you managed to like, I mean, is it open mic nights? Like with the musicians? Mark and I met at open mics. But you know, then you find other ways to get on. Like we do the comic strip and,

Late night. Late night. There were clubs that would put you on, but you just get the shitty spots. You either, while they're getting the checks or you go on at the end of the night. And it's funny, you get so mad about that shit. And I just wish I could have told myself, none of this is going to matter. You're mad because some dude named Angry Bob cut the line.

Yeah. That was his name, Angry Bob. That's true. And he was like, I'm going on first. And I was like, there's no justice in the world. And I'm like, none of this. Unfortunately, your name's just Sam. I'm Sad Sam. Obviously, we're going to put Angry Bob on first. He's angry. He flips the fuck out. Yeah, that was his act. What are we drinking here? Today, we're doing Bodega Cat Rye Manhattans. Woo!

On the rocks. Thank you. Here, Jew. Cheers. Can we get one for Mike as well over here? Yeah, Mike wants one. All right. Who is Mike? Are you the agent? Publicist. Publicist. Oh, even worse. That is delightful. That is very, very nice. Love a dark sherry, too. Do you guys not get that? Is there not any fucking weird, like, drinking... What's the word I'm looking for? Like...

Fears that you've got to do. What do you do? What's this? If you have to tap the floor before you go on stage. Oh, like an OCD or superstition? Superstition is the word I'm looking for. One in the UK is you have to make eye contact while cheersing someone. I don't like that. Otherwise you'll have sex for like seven years.

I guess that's happening. So, I mean, we got to... Cheers. Hey. We got to be... Yeah, yeah. There it is. Hate eye contact. I usually do the eye contact when I cheers, just out of respect. Well, cheers apparently comes from, like, the fucking old days of, like, if you were in a clan and other clans came to visit and you were hosting them, like, you had to fill your beers and your ales to the top and you put all...

your drinks in the middle so that your drink would slosh into theirs and their drink would slosh into yours just so nobody was poisoning anyone. And it was like, if we all do this and we're all drinking each other's drinks, then we're all cool. MARK BLYTH: One guy's still getting poisoned way worse than the other people. Just like a teeny bit of poison. MARK BLYTH: Everyone else is just getting like a mild LSD high. Just one of them like choking, holding his throat like Joffrey. And they're like, this cunt can't handle his ale. It's unbelievable.

So much of life back then was just trying not to die. Yeah. Just survival. Matt, that's what handshakes were, was to show you're not armed. That was, hey, here's my sword arm. There you go. And there's nothing in it. That's there. That's wild. You're like a real drinker. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you been drinking already? Not today. Not yet. Good job, Mike. I used to shit on Americans so fucking hard when it came to drinking just because... Because we sucked at it? Well, that was certainly my perception because you'd get Americans being like...

Because you guys don't get to drink until 21. We find ways. Yeah, but I remember being 18 and coming over here and meeting 19-year-olds who'd be like, we're underage drinking. I'm like, 13 is underage drinking where I come from. You're a toddler too. Yeah, I guess it does. I know it happens, but it feels just so much more fucking...

you know, strict here. But it feels more punk rock too where like, I imagine drinking during prohibition here, that type of drinking must have been fun. Yeah, yeah. Because you're breaking the rules. You're not supposed to be doing it. Yeah, like vodka goes like down somebody's fucking drain in a fucking bottle, goes under seven houses and pops up through a chimney in the back and like the cops outside. No, it's time for chimney vodka. That would have been...

That would have been the fucking best. That's our next booze we're going to sell, Chimney Vodka. But that's where NASCAR came from, was bootleggers trying to escape the cops. Really? That's the origin of NASCAR. Wow, I didn't know that. Give it a goog. And they were only escaping in one circle. This is never going to end. They didn't know. They were hammered. But yeah, they would soup up their cars to escape police. And that's NASCAR. There you fucking go. Just in case no one believed me.

Moonshine that fueled the growth of stock car racing. Wow. In Appalachia. It led to the rise of NASCAR. Interesting. It wasn't gasoline. All right. There you go. The big problem I discovered with drinking over here in this country is, one, the...

I never know what to tip. I remember the first time coming to New York and not understanding what the tipping culture was. And I can't remember which comic it was, but they gave me this advice, and you can tell me if this is bad, but it seems to have worked for me since, which is whenever you get your first drink...

I first of all didn't know there was such thing as like drinking then a chaser whiskey like I'm from Scotland whiskey's the drink yeah and I don't really drink beer because I think it tastes like piss but I would go for like a cider and a whiskey and I was like this is fucking great but UK measurements are 25 mils or 50 mils and you cannot give beyond that because it's literally measured out whereas here you guys are just like

How much is too much whiskey? And you're like, about seven blinks of eye contact to go was when you should have stopped. You're cheering the whole time. Cheers is not breaking. That's the problem. I couldn't look down to check. He goes, just tip like five on the first drink because then that bartender will not leave you alone any time you're up at the bar. Then beyond that, every drink, you tip a dollar.

And then by, like, the fourth and fifth drink, they'll just give you, like, a free drink. Buybacks. Yeah, yeah. Which, again, not a fucking thing. So, for my first time in New York, I did that and it all fucking worked. I can drink five whiskeys in Scotland and, I mean, not be fine, but I know how much I've had there. Whereas I'm three whiskeys in in America because I've tipped this guy. It's just...

up to the fucking drip. I'm drinking it at the same fucking rate. If it's a gin and tonic, I'm like, this tastes different to the gin and tonics back in the UK. And that's because UK gin and tonics are 25% gin, 75% tonic, as opposed to if you've tipped a bartender $7, it is $7.

a bit of vodka. And then they basically just whisper the word lemon on top. Like, here you go. Here's your favorite cocktail from home. Yeah. There's something though about that. Like, you know, where they think they're hooking you up and the drinks is horrible. No, like I got you and you're like, that's, I just, I would have just ordered a gin. Yes. I can't drink this. It's poison. But I,

I can't not drink a drink. Same. Got to finish it. Even if it's a gin and tonic that I know is going to be a problem for me. It's my seventh one, and I know this is another four shots of gin. I'm like, a mature, emotionally strong adult would be able to self-reflect and go, I don't need that because it's already going to be hard getting home. And I'm like...

But I remember being 16 years old and asking people outside of shops to buy me booze and them not buying me booze. And then having to go to that party sober and being like, I'm never going to put booze away again. If it's ever in front of me, I owe it to 16-year-old me. There's some sober kid in Africa who needs me to drink this. But I'm the same way. I mean, remember when we were younger? You go to bars and we couldn't buy booze back then. So you just...

I'll just chug this lady's wine. Then I'll drink this whiskey that's got a cigarette butt in it, but I'm putting it down because you just need to get a buzz. Yeah. Yeah. Let that be a lesson. If you can buy kids alcohol, do it. Do it. Yes. Because otherwise, they're still going to drink it. Right. But they're going to drink stuff with cigarette butts in it, previously spiked drinks. Yes. You'd be doing all these teenagers a favor if you just bought them some Mike Hart lemonade. You ever get the bar...

Another thing they do here in the States is they will, you'll get them at hand sometimes and you're like, maybe it's like 18 bucks. It's like, damn, that's really expensive. But they pour it up to here. So you're like, that's a fucking, that's three drinks. I know. You ever go on a date with a girl and they're like,

Okay. And they don't drink it. You're like, come on, you're killing me. That was $19. I was, it was back when I was single, single made me realize how much, I don't think I'm an alcoholic because it's not like I need it to function. I just love it. And when the opportunity arises, we, you know, I don't do it in the mornings. I don't do it and drive. Yeah. But when I was on dates with girls, um,

By the way, that did not make you not sound like an alcoholic. I don't do it in the mornings. I don't do it while I drive. That still leaves the afternoon. Public transit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. They stopped public drinking on the tubes in London. And as the protest the day before, every single tube in London was just people drinking on it, getting shit-faced, handing out booze to each other because they're like, we'll enjoy this while we can. Hell yeah.

And how else are you supposed to get through public transport if you're not shirt-faced? The problem is most people I know who I drink with are good drinkers. You get on that train, there's a lot of bad drinkers on there. They don't know how to behave. They become the loud drunks. I'm like, these are the people that should have quit. Yeah. Have you got any friends that like...

you get to a point, you hang out with them a couple of times. You're like, oh my God, this is like being at summer camp. I've got new friends. We hang out. Oh my God, we're texting a lot. This is weird. And you hang out every time and it gets better and better and you learn more about each other. And then there's one time you hang out with them and it's either they drink too much or you see the coke side of them. Oh yeah. And you just go, ah,

now I've seen the demons in the brain. Like, we left the top off and I've seen the very dark side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how this podcast started. Well, this podcast was originally called One More Drink. Right. Just based on the fact that

Mark and I used to hang out like every night and drink and then at a certain point you're on the road every week and you don't see each other that often so it goes down to like maybe one or two nights you get to hang yeah it would be me and Mark would be at the comedy cellar and you guys we never see each other all right one more drink there you go 2 a.m. one more 4 a.m. one more turns in it we're leaving at 7 a.m. yeah and so we're like it's that it's that

Spirit of like friendship Where you're like Oh we need that One more drink And that's We didn't change it Because there was some Podcasts with like Five episodes Yeah We could have done One more drink If they've only got Five episodes They cannot call themselves One more anything They're quitters One more episode

That's true. Yeah, we'd had a lot of long nights. But the thing is, you do have that friend where you see the dark side. I remember a friend. He's like, he'd be really funny sober. And then he'd get drunk and you'd see him at the bar, shit face. The bartender like, sir, get out of here. And he'd be like half awake, like, get me a beer, you bitch. And then he'd fall over and I'd be like, I think I should get him out of here probably. Fucking dead. Yeah.

But there's always the one who gets coked up. Then you have the friend who's a fist fight guy. Then you have the guy who's grabby. And then you got the racist guy where you're like, oh, wow. Yeah. That came out. The fist fight guy can never fight either. Yeah. Oh, that's my fist fight guy. We have to like he's on a strict. He's not allowed to fight anyone anymore just because I refer to him as scummy Batman. Yeah.

Because he'll never fight someone who doesn't deserve to be fought. Right. It will always be... He'll be sitting in a McDonald's and then he'll see like... He phoned me once from Australia. He's a comedian. His name is Kai Humphries. He phoned me from Australia and he was like, please answer the phone. I might be going to jail. And I'm like, great, here we go. This is vintage Kai. He was drunk and...

He got shit-faced and then about three in the morning decided to go get like a McDonald's in just fucking middle of Melbourne. And there's a guy there with his girlfriend. They're having an argument and like the kids behind them make like a little joke of being like, keep it down or whatever. And like the adult guy loses his shit. He's like, Annie, you can't speak to me like that again. I'll put you through that fucking window. And like she starts crying. And while she's crying, he gets like the tray of fucking food and like

throws it in her face. Oh, wow. And is like, you're fucking embarrassing me. And goes back to yelling at the kids. So Kai just like licks his fingers, finishes his juice and goes up to the girl and is just like, do you want me to knock him out? And like through tears, she just went, yeah. He was like, okay. And he tapped the guy on the shoulder. The way he tells the story is he's like, he's left-handed. So I swung back, put through. The guy was like six foot three, goes through his fucking jaw. And the guy like,

turns around and he's like, and he could be going down, but he could be coming back for a swing and he's way bigger than me. So I touch my shoelaces and I swing from there and just knock his jaw through the top of his fucking mouth. He falls down to the fucking ground and all three kids just go, run. Yeah.

And he fucking runs out the McDonald's. He fucking sprints down to the place where he's fucking staying. That's where he's called me from. And I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm going to hide here for the rest of the night. This is like, you know, I've sobered up now. Like, that's dangerous. He could have smacked his head on the ground. He could be... Like, I'm really worried. Like, that second punch was every...

outs of my fucking being into him. Like, and he was not getting up. She was just over him. And I was like, well, man, you have to find out whether this guy is okay. Like, you know, that same woman's like, why did you do that? Well, I love him. He goes back to McDonald's like 14 hours later with a friend. And he's like, I'm not going to go in because everyone will fucking recognize me because I'm the scumbag that knocked out the giant. He sends his friend and she comes out. Why did he go back?

He was so guilty that, you know, the guy could have been smacked his head in the ground or dead or whatever. Like he was, you know, after the, he was in his head. He was like, I was doing a nice thing. Yeah. And I was de-escalating the situation. Oh, you never returned. Yeah. But there's nothing more de-escalating than death. So like maybe I de-escalated it too much.

sends a friend back into McDonald's and she came back out and she'd been speaking to all the McDonald's workers and they were like, yeah. So like there was this loud guy in a queue and some kids behind him and then just this random guy came out of nowhere and punched him in the kids. Oh no. And he was like, no that's not. He got consent. Yeah.

But like fucking Chinese whispers has happened in that 14 hours of just gone from him being the absolute hero of the story, literally getting consent from the partner. Do you mind if I knock your husband out? Yes, please. To I'm just a random man that beats up men and children. Good.

A couple of weeks later, they're like, he rapes babies, dude. Oh, you heard his next. You know, the sweet and sour rapist. They always give him a fun name. But it's just like Batman. He's misunderstood, you know? Everybody thinks Batman's this devil, evil guy, but he's trying to help. Because he's scummy, he doesn't have any of the cool gadgets. It's just a regular belt that doesn't fit.

That's a badass way to say, do you want me to knock out your boyfriend? That is pretty badass. Chivalrous. Yeah. Oh, man, there's points when we've been in pubs together or situations. I'm not a fighty person. I've never been in a fucking fight in my life. I've been Glasgow kissed once.

that got headbutted. Oh, yeah. Glasgow Kiss, it's called. Yeah, yeah, Glasgow Kiss. Glasgow Kiss is a headbutt. Glasgow Smile is... This is back from, like, the real horror days of Glasgow in, like, the fucking 60s and 70s. Glasgow Smile was... They would get two razor blades and put the... and sell to them...

face down on either side of a credit card. And that's what they would use to cut your cheeks. Because if you cut somebody with just a regular razor blade, you can just stitch that up and that'll heal fine. But if you leave the extra two millimeter thickness there, then those are scars for life. And that's what the-- MARK BLYTH: Whoa. MARK BLYTH: Yeah, yeah. Real gnarly shit. MARK BLYTH: Thought out. MARK BLYTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heroin in Glasgow was a fun time for a lot of people. MARK BLYTH: Yeah.

The Glasgow Kiss was me and my three friends, four friends, including Scummy Kai, were walking to a nightclub and me and my three friends thought we were shaggers and we'd watched How I Met Your Mother and we liked that show because we were like 21, 22 and we were like, we'll suit up because that's what they do in the show and that's how those guys get laid so it must work for us. So we're just

Three gawky fucking early 20s cunts walking through Edinburgh City Centre with their suits on with Kai who's in tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie because you can't buy him anything. Right. This big ginger guy sees me and my friends basically, I think at this one point, holding hands and he just yelled at you. He's like, you look like a bunch of faggots.

Right. And I'm drunk and I'm a young liberal. And so I just start like lecturing, lecturing, being like, even if I am gay, even if I was gay, I would rather spend my entire night taking cocks on my ass and down my throat than spending an hour looking like you, you kidney bean looking motherfucker. Right. And my friends laughed and his friends laughed and he went to say something else. And I went, no, no, I won. Yeah.

Like, everyone laughed at my thing, so I won the exchange, and this little thing is over. And the next thing I know, I don't remember it, but, like, I was sort of falling backwards, my friend caught me. He stuck his fucking... He headbutted me right up with my fucking nose. My friend sort of caught me, and so I get back up to, I don't know, give him another lecture. And Kai already has him on the ground, and it's just like that fucking scene in Sin City with the yellow bastard. It's just like...

his fucking face into the fucking ground to the point where I have to like pull him off of him and like his friends come over and like what are we doing? You pull him off and you're like and another thing about gay that word is harmful. Well to be fair the guy said we looked like a bunch of faggots I gave him a lecture on how I wouldn't mind cocks up my arses and then my boyfriend jumped in so

In retrospect, I think he had a point. Not the way he should have iterated it. He should have asked first. Do you want me to knock him out? So Kai can fuck shit up. Oh, he's on a strict fucking ban now from his wife, which is you've, because we've seen him knock heaps of cunts out. And again, every single time, always somebody that started it or was bothering someone else. And it's always just been Kai finishing it.

but man, people knock their heads off of carbs. Like it's just one of these times you're going to do it and somebody is going to fucking die. And that'll be the one cool story that we can't tell. And he's just going to be Nicholas Cage and Con Air. Yeah. He was a bad guy too, but yeah. Oh yeah, man. If you, if you, if next time Kai's in New York, get him onto this podcast, get him drunk and just get him to tell you every knockout he's done in the wild because some of them are un-fucking-believable. Well, that's just a confession.

There's going to be somebody listening like, wait a minute. That was me. Damn. We all have that friend. You kind of feel safe around them. You can say crazy shit because they're there. Man, for years it made me a fucking arsehole because, I mean, the reason I, you know,

The reason I don't get into fights is because I can't fucking win them. The reason I don't do MMA is because I know if I were to learn how to choke someone out, I would be in jail within six months. Because the second I know how to do that, I'm going to start applying my own justice to the world. Does anyone here think I'm a faggot? Please. I'm dying to use this shit I learned. It's like guns in this country. I couldn't live here because if I had access to guns, I would... A hundred fucking percent of the...

at one point in my life, I would fucking snap at a minor injustice I saw. Whereas here, I just, I get road rage in the UK. I shut my fucking mouth in this country. You could cut me off on the fucking highway and make me slam on the brake with my baby in the back and I'll be like, have a nice day. You're clearly having a rough time there, ma'am.

I wish you all the best. Hope you get to your destination right on time. No complaints from old sloss balls. That is our rep. I do think people from other countries are like, oh, if you get heckled, you can just shoot the guy on stage. You can't, right?

Self-defense. In Texas. Yeah. No, we... I was just in Louisville and I'm doing bits making fun of guns and out of the gate they're like, boo! And I'm like, perfect. Let's fucking do this. Like, that's what I'm excited about bits when they fucking hate the setup. Yes. You know what I mean? Right. But yeah, they love guns there and...

Most places in this country. Oh, I've had guys show me a gun. I was like, what's this guy all about? And he's like, I was like, carry on. I did a religious joke in Indianapolis and the guy in the front row just showed me his gun. Damn. And that was... I don't think he was threatening me. I think it was like gun banter, but I come from a place where gun banter doesn't exist. So I was just like... Yeah, we actually have a term called gunplay in America, which is the weirdest...

like a euphemism gun play. Oh, it's, I was in Indianapolis once and I'm, I'm going back to the hotel. Everything's boarded up. Like the, the, the street shut down. I asked the cop, what the hell happened here? Is it, Oh, there was a shooting, right? There's some kids shooting around, shooting around. That's basketball, right? That's not murder. Exactly. But that's how they, that's how casually, I mean, also the amount of gun violence in Indiana is insane. Oh really? I think like per capita, it's worse than,

I could be wrong. Yeah, but to be fair, there are more people worth shooting there. I'm not saying they don't have it coming. I'm just saying. Right. Damn, I didn't know that. A lot of guns there. How about that? Well, it's amazing, actually, more people don't get shot in America. We got all this mental illness, all this opioid stuff and guns. Yeah. We're doing all right. Yeah.

Do you not think you have a lot of shootings in this country? Oh, I'm sure there's one happening right now that we'll hear about in an hour. There's probably one in this building. Yeah. Not in New York City. We have the amount of, that's how you know guns are the problem when, and not mental health because of the amount of crazy people in this city. True. And it's like, you never, on the subway, guys just come on screaming. You're like, yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do another. That's true. We see dicks because they have dicks. Yeah, yeah. They don't have guns. There was a one subway shooter, but he didn't even hit anybody. He stunk. He hit like... We don't have practice. Yeah. He was a storm tripper? Oh, no, he stunk. He was like an Indian in a John Wayne movie. He couldn't hit shit. Because we're not used to it. Well, we only just introduced them to guns. There's no way they could have, you know. He'll get there.

Have you fired guns? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Shooting range is like a pastime here. It's like, you know, fun. I fired guns when we went to Vegas. It was the first time I'd gone to Vegas. Oh, yeah?

Was that you who did the shooting? Yeah, yeah. Out of the hotel? I was in my hotel room, yeah. I couldn't believe how accurate it was, but I tell you what. I fucking hate country music. And I'll prove it any way I can. It's funny to be singing about guns while getting shot at by a guy with a gun. Do you reckon anyone in that crowd was like, I mean, this is ironic. I love my six-shooter.

We went to just a gun range because I was like, when am I ever going to get to fucking fire a gun in my life? And they gave us like a pistol and it was the most terrifying thing because, man, I was accurate immediately. Like, it's just like computer games. Like, you aim at the thing and you shoot. Right. And you just go, this...

This movie should never be enough to take somebody's life. This is barely enough to make someone come. Like you can't, you know, just that there's got, you know, stabbings are brutal, but there's more like honesty and effort involved. It's intimate. Yeah. They give us shotguns fired to those. Those are obviously accurate. I'd rather be shot than stabbed though. Stabbing is like it's repeated.

Yeah. It's more than, it's like, Swartzen used to have that big, remember that Nick Swartzen did? People get shot multiple times. True. They do, but, yeah, maybe you're right. But stabbing it right on, it's almost like a hug. It's like they're fucking you. And also, it's a bit on you. Like, if you got stabbed, you're like, oh, God, somebody was within five feet of me. They got within my range. I wasn't, you know, ready to use my black belt in karate. Whereas, you can just be shot from across the street, and you're like, that's unfair. True. It is unfair. Yeah.

It's my biggest level, my biggest fear of unfairness happening to me is I regularly gig in Los Angeles. And if I'm in that state when...

the earthquake that they are 400 years overdue for takes place. Oh, yeah. I just don't feel like it should be allowed to happen while I'm there. Like, just like, I would, you know, it's so overdue for this fucking natural disaster. And I'm like, I would just be there trying to show the earthquake my passport. But I'm like, no, I come from a country that doesn't have this. Don't. Come on.

Like the one time you go visit Yellowstone is the one time it goes off. And you're like, well, I know nobody else is going to get these photos, but, you know. I feel like the one time I went to Wuhan, I caught something. The one time I flew to Malaysia. No. Yeah.

How'd you make it back? I don't know. The joke doesn't work. Ah, shit. Yeah. Oh, we're doing, you switched us to scotch here. Yeah, we're doing something a little closer to home for the guests. This is Lagavulin right here. Lagavulin. Oh my God. A Lagavulin 16 as well. That's good stuff. Yeah. Cheers. Good year. I assume you take it neat, right? I absolutely take it neat. I'm not a fucking Englishman. That is so good. God damn. That's one of the best scotches. Yeah, it really is. I mean, the smoke is fantastic.

Yeah. Do you want on the rocks or need as well? I like a rock. I'm an Englishman. You can be, I will, you know, I mean, you are, you're American. Yeah. You know, you're an Englishman from like.

Four generations ago. Yeah. When did you guys become a country? 1776? 1776, yeah. Not long ago. That was when our queen that just died, she just got in there. How do you feel about that? You okay? You gonna make it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, the hangover was fun. I'm from Scotland and I'm one of the Scottish people that supports Scottish independence.

So, you know, I tried my best to remember what Thumper said in Bambi, which is, if you can't say...

something nice, don't say anything at all. I respect the fact that there are people in the UK who are grieving the Queen because she was on their money and their stamps and they liked that and they were able to look past the fact that she spent £12 million of UK taxpayer money in order to not have her son extradited to out the whole Epstein Island thing. Like, you know, if people can look past that and grieve...

fair enough I'll not take away from that

me and the boys got drunk and had a party. There you go. I fucking, I hate the royal family. I hate the fucking monarchy. I think it's one of the dumbest, oldest institutions. A crown is very silly. It's all fucking silly. I feel weird wearing certain jackets. Right. And you think you're entitled to a crown. Yeah. I just, there's a level of self-awareness. I also, when Boris Johnson said it was the darkest day in the history of England, I'm like, settle down. Yeah. No, no. What he means is the darkest day in UK history that we'll write about. Yeah.

You've got to remember, when Britain discovered India, this was before social media or the news properly existed. So they just got to lie about what they were doing there. We were trying to colonize the world. And they were like, hey, we found this big, lovely landmass. It's hot. There's heaps of food there. And we were like, are there any people? And they were like, huh? Huh?

Like, were there any people on that landmass? And we got tea. Look at this new tea we discovered. Yeah, that's great. Can't wait to have the tea. Just out of curiosity, were there any people there when you were right? We taught them cricket. We only gave. We only gave. Ignore the massive totems of smoke coming from that general area. Thanks.

My problem with the monarchy is especially, oh, she did so much, she did so much. Britain is very like America in the sense that

written by the winners. So the stuff, the reason people think they like the Queen in the UK is because they're taught about the Queen through the English education system, which was, and one time she said hello to a dog, and there was another time she kissed a leper on the head. Well, it was via FaceTime. She did it on the screen. Anything about Nazis in there? What about the

pedophile son the pedophile son that we all know like he was on television basically meant to be it's weird to be a known pedo yeah and to get to live in a fucking castle like the amount of fucking do you think you can still get a massage is it harder to a playground yeah that's for sure but it's the best of both worlds you got to be a pedo and get away with it yeah I'd live in a fucking castle man like oh

The dream. But it doesn't, I mean, maybe I'm just trash, but I look at that castle and I'm like, it's so cavernous. It's so like. They got AC in there. They're doing it. Central AC? Maybe in some rooms. And the internet connection. Oh, God. Instant access to the dark web. Is she buried yet, by the way?

way I mean they've really been putting that off she gets buried on a Monday so it's there's the whole fucking pompous ceremony and things people in the UK like so

It's the exact same in this country. There's the left and right fucking divide. Comedians sometimes fall far to the left and far to the right and most of us fall in the middle and we're like, can we just fucking please make jokes? Because we're entertainers and it's our job to unite. The job is to entertain. And observe. And it's to make jokes about anything. Nothing and absolutely fucking nothing is ever off. But when you go to every part of the country, you kind of learn to connect to every part of the country and your act does fall somewhere in the middle. Yeah, yeah. And you can work out, you'll be like, okay, so this...

pro-abortion bit that I have in this part of the country. I don't need to preface it with anything because I'm in New York and it'll just get fucking rid of the plots. I know that when I go down further south, I'm not changing the fucking joke. My material is my fucking material. But I will have to spend...

maybe five or ten minutes beforehand, explaining more about Scotland, more about where I'm from, more about how I was brought up, so that when that joke comes in, you know, they still don't agree with the sentiment of it. It's something they completely disagree with. But there's enough jokes in there before that still find me funny. And at that point, it is just a, hey, this is a disagreement of opinion. And I'm not in any position of power where I'm changing anything. No. I'm just discussing shit and occasionally making...

The fucking underhanded jokes that we all know and love. You open with like, look, women are objects. We can all agree on that. But, but. Joke is coming. Yeah, sorry, men, could you please turn your objects to silence? Because some of them seem to have taken umbrage with that. I wouldn't regret that. Silence option on that. Oh, wow.

The amount of fucking UK comics there are now, the writer-leaning ones, that are on Twitter being like, you know, this isn't the time or place for jokes. And you go, what, on Twitter, after one of the most powerful women in the world died? I can't... This is exactly... If you want to mourn, fucking do it in your house. Put the fucking news on. But this idea that you cannot punch up

to a literal pedo harboring monarchy and be like you know they were jokes about Kobe on Twitter and Kobe's death is far more tragic and Kobe was good at something Kobe didn't make it to the Lakers because his fucking dad died he had talent

Right. No disrespect to the queen. Full, full, full disrespect to the queen. And every other apple that fell off the pedo tree. Fucking no problem. She was good with corgis. Yeah. So no, there were jokes about Kobe and I fucking personally loved Kobe. I'm a basketball fan. Yeah. You know? I had a few. I mean, somebody dies in the news. You write about the news.

Yeah, that is our instinct with everything. They go, how can I make this funny? Of course. There's no malice. It's how can I make this funny? Because that's our job. I do think it's important, you know, in the moments of tragedies afterwards. I mean, Jesselnick said it best in the...

Thoughts and prayers? Thoughts and prayers, which is the jokes on Twitter aren't making fun of the people affected by the tragedy. It's making fun of people who are online making the tragedy about themselves. Ooh, that's good. Those are the people that, you know, the people that are actually grieving the thing are never online to witness the fucking jokes. Right. You know, we're just making fun of everyone who's like, and I'm also sad today. Yeah.

Our job is to make jokes about literally anything. Nothing is off fucking limits. But I do believe that there is a level of fucking responsibility occasionally to just, you know, we don't get to choose how people behave.

consume comedy or art. You don't get to choose how people interpret what you say. So, I mean, comedians like Jim Jefferies, who I think is fucking amazing. Yeah. I imagine he might have a bit of a dislike to some of his audience who don't see the irony or only particularly like the women are cunts bit.

Yeah, yeah. Some of his bits are like some of the most thoughtful. I mean, the gun bit. The gun bit is one of the fucking greatest routines. Maybe the best bit of the last 25 years. Hits every angle. And then I think of Jim's storytelling as, you know, the muscular dystrophy brothel bit is like... Yeah. Oh, brilliant. But there's so much fucking empathy in that. And nuance. It's not just like this, like, let's get fucked. It's not some like teen comedy. It's like...

I'm seeing someone I grew up with in abject misery. Let's make this funny. And if you're talking about taboo subjects, which we all have the right to do and they should be fucking joked about because the only reason they are taboo is because nobody else has the fucking courage to talk about them.

If you're talking about those, you do have... Empathy has to be in there. And just so the audience go... To make sure that the laughs are going in the right direction. I'm going to make jokes about cancer. Not about people that have cancer. Not about people that have died of cancer. But about the journey of cancer. Things that you go through there. I think there are some comedians out there...

who are earlier on in their career will watch people like Bill Hicks, Carlin, Jeffries, Barr, and they'll miss the extra layers of understanding. They'll just watch Jim Jeffries and they'll be like, oh, rape is funny. Right. No, that's, you missed the three other fucking layers that made that cake palatable. Exactly. I hate when they go, oh, so you think rape is funny. It's like, well, like,

I made it funny. That's my job. You make it a joke. I don't think rape. I think Jeffrey Dahmer said the same thing. He was like, I think it's funny. I don't know what the problem is. He was a great comic. Yeah. Well, people were always like, do you find rape funny? And like, I don't find rape funny, but I can find you five rape jokes I find hysterical. Of course. Sarah Silverman's got some really good rape jokes. Like, people have that. I mean, you said it perfectly. Do you find this thing funny? Then why do you find jokes about it funny? And you go, I don't know.

Because of the word joke. It's like the main thing that made that different. The thing isn't funny, but jokes are better. But that's the curse and the blessing of mainstream success. Like you're talking about guys that big. Like, yeah, you're going to get fans that are, you know, really understand what you're doing. You're going to get fans that...

don't know shit and latch onto the wrong things. It doesn't just have to be taboo. It goes the other way. Jim Gaffigan, bacon is not inherently funny, but you make it funny. Yeah. And now it's a big 12 minute chunk. Oh man. Fucking, uh, who's the, uh, his name's, uh, um,

I'm on the moon. Man on the moon. Brian Reagan. Brian Reagan. Brilliant. I've watched stand-up since I was like fucking five or six years old. Started on the UK stuff just because my parents went to comedy clubs before I was born. So they just watched it religiously. So I ended up watching all of their favorite comedians.

And then I was about seven or eight. My dad introduced me to Bill Hicks and I didn't get it, but I, I understood a man swearing into a microphone and finding that funny. Just being like, he can just say, fuck shit. Can't, this is amazing. And then started getting more into American standup in my fucking teens. And it's still, who are your guys in America? Uh, um, uh, back when he was alive, Louis CK, uh,

RIP. I liked, I loved Bill Burr. Yeah. I loved, UK wise, I was like Dylan Moran, Ed Byrne. Love Dylan Moran. I loved, I think Stuart Lee, I think Stuart Lee's great, but sometimes he gets, you know, so far up his own arse. Yeah. Yeah.

But then in America, when I started getting into it a bit more, in fact, when I started performing over here, I kept... I'd never seen him on stage. I'd never heard his specials. People kept saying Brian Reagan. And I'm like, who the fuck is... I'm here on an American podcast. I'm like, who the fuck is Brian Reagan? And the one thing I keep hearing about him is he's clean. He's clean. He doesn't swear. He's not rude. And I'm like...

there's no way this guy's good, let alone one of the best. There's no way this guy has fucking material that I couldn't fucking write myself if I gave myself two hours in a fucking office. You do clean jokes about fucking airports, fuck off. And then I hear Bill Barr talking about him with genuine respect in his voice. I'm like, there's no fucking way this clean cunt can be fucking good. And then I watched

man on the moon and was just like

Oh, my fucking God. And the entire time I'm just watching it going like, he's not sworn once. And none of it's rude. None of it's like... There's no victim except him. No. Yeah. Truly, truly fucking mind blowing. I can't believe that. He makes little things funny. He's got this whole bit. That bit is taped in a comedy club. It's just a set, like an hour set. And he does a bit about when you're a kid and you do like ramps in the front yard and, you know, you break your arm and you're like, Mom...

Bobby broke his arm. And if you get peanut butter, get smooth. It's like something a kid would say. He's so good. How do you write that? We almost had him on here. I will get him. But like, no situation to you or I hit him up and I was like, I see you're in town. He goes, I'm leaving today. And I, but he said he'd do it. And he drinks and he drinks. And one thing I've learned about Brian Reagan from, uh,

worked with people who have worked with him apparently is sincerely one of the nicest guys like it's just like the sweetest a guy that opens for me and Madison met him and he was like and he just took me on a night out because he found out I was another comedian there you go and that's you know whenever comedians at that level still remember what it was like to be a newer comic like that's and you're that newer comic and that night might have kept you going oh

Exactly. 100% just having that fucking, not even just to have that fucking story to be treated like a fucking peer by somebody who you think is so far above you can be fuel for the next four fucking years. It's always the funny ones who do that because all the dicks are never funny. The guy's like, hey, don't talk to me. You're not at my level. And you're like, well, you suck anyway.

And I'll pass you in five years. But Regan, one time I was bombing in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone. This is 12 people in the crowd bombing. There's one cackle in the back. And I'm like, well, at least I'm killing with that guy. Blah, blah, blah. Pouring sweat. I get off. It's Regan. Great. And I'm like, what? We've never met. We've never hung out. And he's like, I was doing the theater in town. I was lonely. You want to get drunk? We ended up getting drunk for seven hours. And it was amazing. Yeah.

And that was it. I met him in Jamestown, New York, like Lucille Ball Comedy Fest. They had an awful... Pull up the statue of Lucille Ball. Oh, I've been there. It's the worst looking thing. No, just while you're telling this, can you remind me of who Lucille Ball is? I know the name. Oh, I love Lucy.

Right? Classic. Oh, I thought you were fucking around for a second. No, no, no, no. That show didn't... And by the way, I never saw the show I Love Lucy. I just know that reference. I mean, that is not... Oh, I thought that was Rosa Parks. What the fuck? Pull up what she actually looks like. She's a beautiful woman. She's a beautiful woman. Hey, that's a better statue. Yeah, yeah. Also, that's a...

She was a hot redhead in real life. Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, the second one that you pointed out was way more accurate than that first fucking Apollo. Yeah, I mean, look at that. That's a pin-up right there. Did you ever see the god-fucking-awful statue that somebody did of Cristiano Ronaldo? No. Oh, man.

And he's like a hunk, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got an eight pack. I'm pretty sure he put out a hit on the guy that did this. Looks like Sloth from Goonies. Oh, man, the teeth are all jacked up.

Holy shit. But the only difference is that statue is actually allowed in America because it hasn't raped anyone. But it is in blackface. But I met him at the Lucille Ball Fest and he couldn't have been cooler. Ronaldo? No. He's not allowed in America. Yeah.

It's like he's just hung, drank with us, nicest guy, and seen him a couple times since. And he is the nicest. He's our scummy Batman. He just shows up. He's like, I heard there was booze here. We need to drink. Yeah, great guy. He's a legend. So he was one of your guys. And I remember I discovered you from your Conan set. Your Conan sets are great. Yes, we're all Conan guys. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

and then let's do what Conan never ever lets anyone do on his show, which is appreciate what... He's such someone for giving back to the fucking comedy circuit. Like, truly understands what it's like to be a younger, newer comedian and just...

I mean, the support... I would not have my career in this country if it wasn't for the fact that he took a fucking risk on having me on. The day that he had me on, because I still couldn't fucking believe it, like going up to the venue, Warner Brothers Park, and I'm like, this is going to get cancelled last minute. There's going to be something. All good things are taken away from me. Get there. Nelson Mandela dies. And I'm like...

Motherfucker. Like, this is bullshit. Like, obviously, obviously I'm not going to be on the show because they've got to talk about fucking Mandela. Sure enough, Conan does like five minutes to the top. That's the epitome of what a comedian is, which is one of the greatest men alive could die. And you're like, but how does it affect my career? Someone got bumped from Fallon because of the Queen the other night, I'm sure. This is worse than the apartheid. You think he was in prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This green room is awfully isolating. No. But you went on that show? Yeah, went on. Had a great one. And then afterwards, I think he tried to boot me in for the next day. And then J.P. Buck was like, just let him enjoy. We love you, J.P. J.P. Buck's the man. J.P. Buck is the fucking man. He gets it. He's the booker for Conan Who, basically. And the thing I respect. And he's a producer. He does a ton of other stuff now. Yeah, yeah. But the thing is...

particularly fucking loved about JP every year we go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival oh yeah just to see what the UK was doing he was like I'm gonna find the best comics here and I'm gonna put them on TV in America because that's my job was to find talent from around the world and he would watch any shit I'd send him to yeah like he'd come over take recommendations for the fucking weird stuff for the great stuff for the fucking surreal and then yeah I mean and then ever since then Conan just kept having

me and Michael were talking about this before we don't exist in the generation of comedy where there is an overnight success anymore sure like I mean if like realistically if I could take you back in time fucking 30 years do you reckon Carson's calling you over to the couch probably not I don't think so I mean it's tough like I mean there's that rare set it happens maybe like if you keep I mean I do think like

We all write a lot of jokes, so I think the hope is we get back on and eventually make it over. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the first time, my first Conan set wasn't great. No? I stand by the jokes, but the crowd just gave me fucking nothing. And my second one's my best TV set. It's the hardest I killed on TV ever. It was like I had a few drinks in me. I was fucking, let's go. But yeah, no, that first one hurt. I was the opposite. First one I did great. Second one I struggled.

Yeah, I didn't like bomb, but it just was like every laugh was like, haha. Yeah, but it's... Dude, I'm trying to get fucking that rolling. Yeah, you want it to be magic. But it's... I mean, it's as well as it can be set up for comedy because they do have such an intrinsic understanding of, you know, JP... Unlike so many TV producers in the UK, I know for a fact that Conan producers regularly attend comedy clubs and know what it is. But you're in a studio, there's lighting, and also we're all slightly darker than Conan. Yes.

And the JP was fucking crazy. JP let me do jokes on that show. I never thought I would get to do. Like there was a joke. There's mass shooting jokes on there. Yeah. All kinds of stuff. I used to have a joke, which was every time I was doing British television, which was there's one joke that I knew it was just there. So the censors felt like they'd done their job. It was an un-televisable joke. And you put it in there and the censors go through and be like, get rid of this one. You're like, well done, dickheads.

That's why I put it in there. So they ignored the rest of the stuff because they felt like they did the job. Very smart. I sent that entire set through to JP and he was like, great. And I was like, what? Can you tell us a joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very easy joke. My mum's sister... Oh, no. My mum said...

four kids and you can tell she stopped loving us over time because she was blessed with me gifted with my sister had my brother and then she was diagnosed with the other one but my mum's my mum's sister is anti-abortion which is a cruel nickname but she's had five ha ha

That's tame. But abortion in this country is a ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But TBS, because it was on cable, that helped a little bit. The only time he ever said, I can't do this joke, I used to have a joke where I wish cancer on someone. It was just a part of the joke. And he goes, you can't wish cancer for Conan's national audience. And you're like, you've not seen my last 15 birthdays. That's exactly what I did every single time. Yeah.

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It was really a pleasure working with JP. A lot of bookers, and it's not their fault. You're dealing with standards and practices on these networks that are just like...

Most of these hosts are more concerned with being liked than funny now. Yeah. And that's not what we're going for. Yeah. You know, and...

That... It will fuck up a set. Yeah. Of course. But Conan was always so warm. Like, remember he... Did he come in your green room and do the whole spiel? Oh, yeah, yeah. Came in beforehand. Also, like, one of my favorite moments is my first Conan spot is... Conan hadn't seen me before. He just trusts JP, which, again, is another great sign of a good boss who just goes, delegate and fool 100% trust. Yeah.

final 30 seconds of my clip on Coden, you can see Coden coming over to me and he's like, that's great! And there's genuine shock and surprise in his face that I was good. And it was the... It's one of the clips that I fucking go back to and I'm like, oh man, in that moment I had genuinely impressed one of the fucking greats. The greats. And you look up and you go... Oh, he's so big. He's such a fucking tall man. He also... I mean, he was so generous and...

I mean, to kill in front of Conan is the best. And I could tell when it wasn't my best. Every once in a while you have one. But yours, I watched all those late night sets at that time. Yours all went viral, too. They all have a million plus. You had great late night sets. I mean, they were...

You watch a bunch and be like, fuck, this guy is somebody. This guy's good. Yeah. You shared it with me. This guy... Because we'd always judge people and go, this guy got on because of this or he sucks. Then when we shared yours, I was like, this guy's a comic. Well, I can't tell you how much that fucking means to me because I don't know if it's the same for you guys, but the respect of your peers is worth a thousand laughs from any audience member. Oh, huge. And also, for me, I love...

I never in my career thought I would ever actually get to come over to the States and perform. Because growing up being nine years old, watching fucking, you know, Bill Hicks and Pryor and knowing that this is where they come from and how different British comedy is and how different the fucking scene is. And so few comics from the UK have ever fucking made it over here. I mean, I think it's like... Jimmy Carr. Jimmy Carr. Russell Howard's kind of... Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Billy Connolly certainly made it into movies. Sure.

Russell Brand but he's not a comic or a peer do you know him at all I know heaps about him that are unrepeatable oh boy but not a not a good man great chest hair great for getting a martial loop and it's easier to come to terms with because he was never ever ever good at stand up at any point in his fucking career so it's

You know, I don't feel like I'm bad mouthing somebody that went through the trenches like we did. He was somebody that skipped a bunch of fucking levels, became a fucking TV presenter and went, I'll just be weird. He stole somebody else's act in the UK. Oh, you hate to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I got to fuck Katy Perry. Yeah. Yeah. Is it worth it?

And then dumped her. Really? Like 20 minutes before she went on stage. There's a Katy Perry documentary. I haven't watched it. Sure. But the advert for it is apparently literally 20 minutes before she goes up.

he her husband like if you're the way there's officially too many documentaries yeah it was a katy perry documentary like crazy she's like still young yeah i know wait till they're like 70 or something you know yeah but what if she dies before then and you know we can't we will never get a good winehouse documentary because she had too much fun too young what happened to her

So yeah, so she dumped her right before she went on stage. Oh, like, again, the advert for the documentary is like her getting a text backstage and then like 20 minutes later, her in tears being like pushed up from the thing going on the stage. First of all,

I have, in my younger years, dumped someone by text. Now, as an adult, I'm like, it's impersonal. You shouldn't dump people by text. There are some times when it's fine. Like, if it's a crazy person and you're getting out of that relationship and you're like, I've taken the stuff. The house is yours. Goodbye. You can break up with someone if it takes that. You can't...

divorce someone via text like that you can't just be like you can't just screenshot like take a picture of the divorce papers and then just via whatsapp send that through and then you're like just reply with a tick the lawyer says that counts like she's just like I

Can we not discuss this? No, sir. No, can't do, baby. I'm playing London. Wait, divorced? Divorced? Oh, shit. Yeah, true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. You get the papers, though, they're still buffering. She's got to sing Teenage Dream after hearing that shit. Damn. Damn. All right. I had no idea about the Russ. Yeah, no, he's not. I mean, I'll tell you most off camera. I can't wait. Patreon. Yeah.

So you came over here. Conan was awesome. Were you doing weird American markets when you came on over here? I was. So my big thing when I first came over was just to... I didn't want to fucking skip. I didn't want to cheat, but I also didn't want to be sent

like to be sent back a couple levels. Like, so when I started in Scotland, I worked my way up to become like doing 20 minutes there. And then when I, after two years, I started going down to England and they were like, and now you're doing fives and tens. And I'm like,

okay, I get it. I understand it's a bigger fucking market. I've come from Scotland, 6 million people overall and the population of London, the capital city of England is 8 million. Fine. This is a different thing and this is the main comedy scene where I am and I go down there and I restart it again and I worked my way up through the fives and tens and eventually became, you know, fucking headliner at places like that and then when I went to Australia and they were like, great, so we'll have you in for 10 and I was like, uh-uh, uh-uh, no. But,

I had to do it a bit again I had to do the 10s and 15s and then I'd done like

Think I own on fight my first gig in America. I need me done corner. I think I just done setlist. Oh, yeah Yeah, and it was that show man. I was so fun and again I loved the fact that they filmed it so for people listening setlist is basically you just get you just get a word, right? Yeah, well like my setlist for tonight would be like a

dead old lady like a kiddie airplane but whatever and these are just the notes that we have that let us know what the next two minute three minute five minute whatever that is whereas what setlist is is fucking troy would just come up with random scummy batman scummy batman on the screen you gotta go with it i

You've got to make it funny. And you have to pretend. Not only do you have to make it funny, the people that sucked at set list were the people that went, oh, this is a weird one. The whole point was... Yeah, you've got to own it. You had to pretend this is the set that you do regularly. This is your normal set. And every comedian... This is a weird one. This is such a great response. This is a weird word. You're a comedian. Yeah. You're a professional comedian. Get it fucking going. Yeah. So, I mean, they had so many great comedians on it because...

I mean, I would be on with comedians who've been going for 25 years and it was the first gig they'd ever been nervous at. Right. For so long because, you know, you're going in front of an audience that you know is hot. You've seen everyone else have a decent enough fucking gig. But you do not know what you're going to say and you don't have any of our jokes to fall back on. Like, we've all got bits when we're like, if something's going badly, there's one joke I'll do. And if that joke goes badly, just in my head, I'm mentally shut off.

I'm like, if they didn't like this, there's nothing. I'll get through it. I'm professional. Here are the words. Here's the performance. Whereas you don't even have that in a set list. You have your weapons if you're on stage where you're like, this doesn't work. I'll save it. But yeah, in that environment, you've got to save it.

You can't even go to fucking audience stuff because the audience won't respect you from going away from the thing. And then you keep bombing. So where are you guys from? Part of this. I saw Kyle can ain't do it in Melbourne and it was amazing. He is so good off the cuff. Yeah. Yeah. He's great. Um, so I did, I done the cellist TV show, which I don't think I fucking accounted for anything, but it was still in the middle ages of this sort of internet. So enough Americans, um,

had watched like British TV shows on YouTube and stuff. So I did Denver Comedy Works as my first ever comedy club in America. Spoiled. Oh, beyond spoiled. One of the best. Like truly one of the fucking best. Magical everyone. Oh, and the staff. Thanks for the memories. The Tells album was there. Is that what? I had no idea that was there. Yeah, yeah. Demetri Martins. Greg Giraldo, Good Day to Cross the River. That's recorded there. Some of the best comedy albums ever. I got in there on like a,

I got in there on a Wednesday or Tuesday and then the first show was on the Wednesday and then I do the show and it was everyone was so nice like obviously some fucking teething problems with like references that don't fucking make sense sure and then I say to the staff afterwards and they were like that was great and they're like and I was like I'll see you tomorrow they're like it's Thanksgiving tomorrow I'm like okay I'll see you on Thanksgiving and they're like no it's it's Thanksgiving nothing's open right like did nobody tell you this and I'm like

Yeah, British don't really celebrate. It's kind of fucked up to bring you in on that. Yeah, yeah. But I get the hotel paid for and everything, but I didn't realize. And they're like, are you not doing anything for Thanksgiving? I'm like, I'm Scottish. I'm not doing anything for Thanksgiving.

The staff from fucking Comedy Works took me to their staff Thanksgiving. My first ever Thanksgiving was them cooking stuff I'd never seen. Fucking yams with fucking marshmallow on it. Oh, man, man, man. The judgment that came out of my mouth when that went into the oven and I'm like, you know what? Some stereotypes are true. Yeah.

you fat piece of shit that is that is a fucking abomination like we never should have let you become your own country this is disgusting and then and then three hours later after like fireballs gone round and I've smoked unlimited spliffs I'm like this is a gift from God yeah

And we sat at the table and I remember like, because it was, I mean, Colorado, I think it was like two months before they'd legalized marijuana. Because we went to a guy's house and his entire bottom floor was just him growing weeds. And he's like, if the police don't arrest me in the next two months, I'm living in a golden mine. Denver. And we got so fucking high and they made us, you know, they were like, everyone shared what they were thankful for. And it was really fucking...

And like, I'd been shitting on Thanksgiving in America for so fucking long. And then to actually be in the moment, I'm like, oh, this is actually really nice. I can't remember any of the next day. Like they made me... Because like weed over here is a different fucking concoction. It's wild. You know, to get the...

to get wheat in Scotland, you have to get in the back of a teenager's car where his child is strapped into a seat. And you're like, and he's like, what are you after? And you're like, wheat. And he's like, okay, here you go. And you're like, and what type of wheat is this? And he's like, wheat, get out of the car. And like, that's where it is. When I was in fucking Denver for the first time. It's overwhelming. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Yeah.

man in a fucking... Some of them have like cheese and crackers out. You're like, you have... There's like a maitre d'. They're like, this is the Glasgow smile. Right here.

Way better than the Glasgow headbutt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But one will knock you out. Yeah. But Matt, they were like fucking scientists in there. Oh, yeah. The guy went to me because he could just hear my fucking accent. He's like, well, you're not from here. And I'm like, just give me some wheat. And he's like, buddy, you can't walk into a chocolate store and ask for some chocolate. Like, what type of high are you after? And I'm like...

Like, I just get, like, shitty Scottish weed. Like, I just want to get high. He's like, all right, what's your plans for tomorrow? I'm like, well, you know, I'm waking up. I'm going to go for breakfast. And then I've got a show in the evening, so I don't want to be too fucked for that. You can go on stage high. Yeah. Really? I can't at all. I can't do that. Really? No, we're not weed guys anyway. We can maybe drunk. Oh, well, if you're not stoners, then fair enough. But, like, I'm...

There's a question for you. Are you yourself on stage? Are you 100%? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. A little more elevated, a little more energetic. It's a heightened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are jokes I believe in. There are jokes that I can stand behind, but yeah. I'm a fucking stoner in real life. So there was times when I would be on stage doing jokes that I'd written high, and I'm like, well, this isn't genuine. Right.

Right, right. To be fair, I didn't, I never used to, I would always drink on stage, not heaps. But like when I was first starting out, I remember exactly, it was my 14th gig. And I was in a place called Dundee in Scotland. And there were, I'm going to say, about 30 people in this audience. And up until this point, just being a comedian, I was just, I mean, at that point in your career, you're just doing impressions of other comedians. There's no you in it. You're just doing what comedians do.

I didn't have the ability to take a drink during my set. Like, that was such a, I'm like, to take away your weapon. Right. You're on stage, you're talking to everyone, and nobody's heckling. But, like, if you do this. It's silent. And you feel it. Yeah. It's like holstering a fucking gun while everyone else is aiming at each other. Yeah. Couldn't do it. Finally got to the stage where it wasn't even an alcoholic drink.

but it was water and I remember coming off stage and my dad who was still driving me to gigs at this point I was like did you I drank water on stage that was my fucking achievement what a dad yeah it is a power move to take a sip on stage it's such a power move well the biggest thing I learned from early on in comedy which was I would always run to the mic get out of the stand and start talking while it was in and it was Frankie Boyle who said to me he was like mark your territory like mark your territory go up

Take the mic Acknowledge the audience Don't acknowledge them Don't be rude You don't have to talk to them Take the mic Out the stand Put the stand Wherever the fuck you want Look at the stage Work at how much You've got to work with And all that is Is just going I am 100% Fucking comfortable up here Wow This is mine That's yours

And because it says you're in good hands too. Yeah. Because I always say the audience are the smartest and dumbest people at the same time. They're Schrodinger's audience. If you are nervous, if you're genuinely fucking nervous and scared, they will sniff that out from the street outside and they'll not come in. They'll be able to see it so easily. But

If you can fake confidence, which is surprisingly easy to fake once you learn how to fucking do it, they can't tell the fucking difference. That's true. Like, if you're on stage and you're eating fucking shit, because they don't know you're eating shit, because they don't have...

10,000 reference points that we do. We have a gig and we're like, this is about in the bottom 20% of my gigs. They don't know. The average audience member sees... Every once in a while, I'll tell them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you guys know, it's a pretty bad gig for me. That's true. You guys suck. Well, that was the biggest thing I learned from doing the Edinburgh Fringe is everyone was like, you cannot ever blame the audience. And I was like, well, that makes sense. Yeah.

I still do it occasionally. During the Fringe, you're doing the same show, the same show at the exact same time every single fucking night with the same fucking cadence and you go, oh no,

Oh no, this is you. This works. This is absolutely fucking you. That's the most frustrating thing about comedy. You shoot a point in basketball, it goes in the basket. It counts. But our joke that works, they don't laugh. You're like, whoa, whoa, I've done this joke 900 times. This is on you. Yeah. Come on. There is. I fully changed my stance of it's never the audience's fault. I think comedians have the skill to make any room fucking playable. Yes.

And if you're in a position where you have to make that room playable, you can. But also you get to a certain point in your career where if you're successful enough, you look at a room full of people that hate you and you're like, I don't want to win you over. Because I don't want any of you cunts at the next show. I don't have that yet. Well, no, I look at them and I'm kind of like, I

I think they also value self-awareness. So sometimes I'm like, if it's going badly, I'm like, I'll tell them like, I know this isn't going well. I don't want you to think that this is a fucking win for me. And that helps. Sometimes it helps. But then also, as you're saying, like if it's going badly and I'm doing new shit, like, and I know there's a way I could win them. Sometimes I'm not done doing that new shit. I'm here to work too. I'm here to build an act.

There is that. So I can adapt at some point. Sometimes I'll even tell them, I'll get you, but I'm doing these fucking jokes. Yeah. I'm here to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And also, there is sometimes just that audience where you go, I'll fucking get you, and it's not in a way I could ever repeat. Like,

If I've recorded this show, none of the material I'm about to use can ever be used again. Yeah. Very specifically calling you out, you old specky cunt, and you, you miserable fucking bitch. Right, right. And like turning the, you know... I think... I always admire comedians that are, you know, when I sit at the fucking back of the room and I go...

I'm just worried about how my material is going to go down and I know I'm not really going to stray from my material. I'll change the performance obviously. I'll cater in that way but the jokes are going to... But comedians that just go on and be like, you know what? Fuck it. Play the room you're given and I'm just going to, you know, be weird and be wonderful and fucking get them back on site because then you get to follow them with normal stand-up.

And you're like, right. Now that you all remembered how to laugh, did we all have a slight refresh? Right. Don't you hate that? My fucking mother-in-law, let me tell you. I hate that, though. I had a set last night where I had to do eight minutes, and then they're like, all right, we trust you. And then I did another seven. And you're like, what? I'm the same guy. But that's the breaks. Too long. Yeah. They don't know you. And there is a humility, I think, the way we all approach stand-up, where if you try to turn over material a

You're going to bomb a lot. You have to. And you're just not going to get a big head. You can't get a big head if you're writing a bunch of new jokes because you're going to fail too much. Yeah. True. True. I mean, Louis C.K., we say like he would go to New York and R.I.P. Yeah. But he would bomb for three months in New York. And you're like, oh, this is the guy. What the hell happened? What's going on? And then three months in one day. And you're like, that was brilliant. I don't have that cottage.

Really? You'll cushion it? But he was doing an hour a year. I won't cushion it, but I certainly like... So the way I've done this show that I'm doing now is... My son was born in February and this tour finished in like... The last tour finished in like June.

but they were spread out enough that I was kind of writing jokes in between. So I did at most eight or 10 spots over the course of six months at the comedy clubs in Edinburgh, just trying like the new thoughts that I had out and then just went to the Edinburgh Fringe and the show was a work in progress show.

and it was pitched as a work in progress. I didn't give them any fucking artwork to use. It was like the lowest price available. I'm like, people need to know that they're coming to see me just go through fucking notes here. Yes.

And... For the... Biggest mistake... Man... I don't get nervous much before I go on stage... Even with fucking new stuff... This job is too... If you truly love this job... And... I think it's silly to get nervous beforehand... Unless it's a particularly big gig... I trust myself... I trust my work... And I... Why would I let...

the greatest thing that I get to do be dampened by some fucking stupid little illogical fucking fear. I've always been able to... Very healthy. Yeah, I've been able to nip in the bud. What if you do badly? And the other part of me is like, well, statistically, we're good. Like, I got the same memories you do, buddy. I know anxiety is powerful, but here's cold, hard fucking logic. We'll be fine. It's the boner mentality. Well, it's like what you said about Carson, how, like, that overnight success no longer really exists, so neither does that overnight failure, really. Ooh. Oh.

That's good. I mean, to some degree with the people in the woke mentality and shit on social media and both sides. Obviously, not just the woke. But it is harder to get ruined overnight, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, also, man, cancel culture and comedy.

Yeah, we're all doing alright. I don't worry about jokes. Did you get cancelled or did you get a bunch of free publicity that you couldn't afford? Like, shh. The people that were never going to see you are still never going to come and see you. And now a bunch of people know you say controversial shit and that's who you want in your audience. And now we get rewarded for saying crazy shit when we said crazy shit before.

I'm still the same guy. Any time any of my friends have been fucking cancelled, I've just been like, first of all, you're just being yelled at online, which, don't get me wrong, is an unpleasant experience. It's very unpleasant. They're hugely unpleasant, and also people take it too far. There's doxing, there's fear, it's scaremongering. If you dox someone, that is insane. So I'm not saying that aspect of cancel culture doesn't exist. Of course it does. That's fucking horrific. But if we're talking about it from a comedy perspective...

If you have a joke that goes out there and it's a joke that you're proud of that you'll fucking stand by regardless and a bunch of people hate it, good. Those are people that were never going to come and say, those aren't your audience members. Oh, when I get, when people hit unfollow, I'm like, okay. Yeah, goodbye. When they write like, oh, you just lost a fan, I'm like, you weren't a fan. Yeah. Mmm.

If that's all it took. I had a fringe where one year, basically, I'd gone from being like sort of cheeky, chappy, young teenage comedian, like, oh, aren't mums weird? And, you know, underage drinking, blah, blah, blah. And then I did a show which was basically God's not real, drugs are class, and fuck everyone that's not me. And every day during that fucking fringe, I would watch minimum, I've got the ticket sales to prove it,

15 people a day walking out of that show because they'd all seen me do TV in the UK but it was all pre-watershed TV so it was all very clean no swearing and nowhere near to the degree that Brian Reagan does any of it but

And every day I watched 15 people leaving and there was that constant temptation in my head of the comedian to be like going, I could win them back. I could win those people over. I could do jokes that got them to come back in the room. But I'm not going to because the people that are staying, like our art isn't for everyone. And that's the fun of it.

Is this art, do you think? 100%. I think so. Really? I hate to say it out loud. I don't think it's... If we take art as a spectrum, and I know how the right hate spectrums, but if autism is a spectrum and success is a spectrum and all this stuff, on the spectrum of art, I don't think we're necessarily up there with musicians and...

And actors, despite the fact that some of the best actors in the world happen to be comedians by the, you know, Robin Williams was particularly fucking good. Bill Barr is becoming a surprisingly good actor. And actors can't do what we do. They fucking cannot. And musicians cannot do what we do because Madonna bombed at fucking Jimmy fucking Fallon. Yeah, I open for her. I think...

What we do is... Yeah, my love to Fender's Hill, I think it's absolutely a fucking art. But it's not a high-end art. Very low-end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what's great about it. The low-end is good. That's why I find it so funny. Because occasionally you do get comedy snobs, and you're like, man, you've got to understand, all of this, all of this entire sense of humor...

comes from lower class. Humor itself comes from people at the bottom trying to make anything good out of that situation. And sometimes the only thing you can make out of that bottom situation is laughter. People at the top living in fucking castles don't need to make each other laugh. I heard Prince Andrew was funny. But no, you're right. Look at all the minorities, the oppression, they're all the funniest. Some of the greatest jokes in the fucking world must have been told in Auschwitz. Oh.

Realistically. Oh, my God. We'll never know them. Jews are pretty cool. Slow down. Some of the fucking greatest comedians in the world came from that fucking time. It's absolute proof that it comes from... The Bush Belt. Yeah. Like, comedy comes from the bottom laughing up. That's where it comes from. And just laughing from bad stuff. And more bad stuff happens to you when you're down. Yes. But we talk about people getting mad, and I do think if comedy is a low-end art, then...

If it is, people getting mad is a good thing because what do people get mad at? They get mad at fucking Tarantino. They get mad at Spike Lee. They get mad at these filmmakers who are considered artists. So if people get mad at comedy, I think it legitimizes it as that type of low-end art. Comedy's not low-end art. It's just not high-end art. The reason that we hate saying that it's an art form is because whenever we think of art, we think of...

fucking museums we think of yeah we're gonna do this big weird fucking sculpture that cost 20 million to make and it doesn't mean anything and it's made out of spoons and that means and it's about the artist's relationship with his mother and you're like we spent 20 fucking million that's upper class fucking art but when you look at lower class art which is jazz

which can be done by fucking anyone. Well, I mean, not anyone, obviously, you've got to have access to musical instruments, but original jazz didn't come from that.

Comedy is lower class art, which is making its way up to the fucking middle classes. And I don't think the upper classes will ever truly get it, but that's fine. They keep imposing opera on people, fucking orchestras. That's all their shit. All these 25 million pound paintings is all them being like, this is our art and you all have to value it. Whereas I think comedy is art from the bottom and it's much harder to get it to that middle section because they don't care about what we do, but we care about what they do. Hmm.

That's interesting. That's well said. Yeah, sometimes you see what those Christie's auctions go for, a piece of art, and you're like, are you out of your fucking mind? You can take any fucking bit of art from the center of fucking New York and take it to some of the poorest people in America, and I guarantee you 99% of them wouldn't fucking appreciate it. You can take a fucking comedian from New York and put them in any part of America, and I guarantee you they'll get more appreciation from that. Yes. Comedians, I think, are...

unwilling to call this an art form because of the negative stipulations that come from it's pretentious and comedy is unpretentious it has to be it has to be well you've not seen my comedy you've not seen me do how long are you at the Soho Theatre for I'm there till Sunday but

but I mean, this is just, first of all, I just want to be on the show. You're ever, you're ever in New York, you gotta come back. You're such a great guest. Um, I've, I've, man, I'm coming, I'm touring America with this show. Eventually I've got three specials coming out later this year, just my website. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I had, uh,

When Netflix gave me the Dark and Jigsaw specials, I already had... The way the UK comedy scene works is you write a new hour every year because that's how the fringe is. The fringe is every August. So you write a show for August, you tour it until December, you bin that show, and then you spend January to July writing a new one to then take to the fringe again. And that's the class. That's how high school works in the UK. Yeah.

So, I mean, no, I don't do it in that way, but I... Do you feel like that's too quickly ever? Oh, at the start, yes. If you ask anyone about my first, second, or third Fringe show, they were probably utterly fucking diabolical and shit and was way too long for a comedian of my experience to be on stage doing what was, let's be honest, 30 minutes material stretched out to 60 minutes with other stories that didn't fucking make sense. Sure.

But it did absolutely give me the work ethic of turning it fucking over every year. Now, I'm not doing it every year now. Now, I'll do a new show every two years. But I would not be able to do it had it not been from...

You know, the first 10 years of my career was 10 brand new shows every single year. Wow. Do you ever feel like at that nine month, 10 month mark, you're like, I got to really pull some shit together here. Yeah. Man, I'll be dead honest about all my work. There's some shows that I think fall well short of other ones, but also natural. Yeah. But I've also learned again, because this is an art form.

We do not get to choose how audiences consume our art and how they take it. So there's shows that I've done that I hate that...

that are the most popular ones amongst my fans. Oh, isn't that interesting? Yeah, and it's really interesting. Like, I'll come off stage and be like, I fucking hate that. And there'll be people saying, I'm trying really hard now to basically not ever let my audience know how I feel about any show because my perception of it is so far removed from what

Yeah, why do you think there's that discrepancy? Why do you think? Because it's still imposter syndrome on my part. Like, you know, I love the fact that I get to gig in America and I love the fact that I'm invited on shit with you guys to do shows like this. And, you know, the comedy sellers are always so nice to me whenever I go down there. How have I never seen you there? Because, man, I don't jump up.

Oh, really? No, no. Because for me, and this is all me issues, it's not any way anyone at the cell has ever made me feel. I kind of, like the staff have taken me on fucking nights out there. Like there was a party that they made me come to and get fucking done. I love the cell. I love every part of it. Every time I've played those rooms, it's been, you know, again, you've got to understand, Scottish comedian who grew up as a teenager watching people play clubs like this. That's fucking...

But it's still... It's just when I feel like a foreign fucking exchange student. Of course. Who's just put into this fucking school. And it's a new pecking order. Of course, yeah. In the UK, I'm not really on the scene anymore because I just tour. And then I come to the States. And I didn't have to start again here, thanks to Conan's stuff. I was able to sort of get in with the clubs here. But then getting straight into the fucking clubs here, I...

absolutely felt like, oh, fuck, I've skipped the queue. And people have been like, who's the fucking Scottish cunt? Right. He's international. Yeah. Was it weird? Because, you know, in the UK, you were probably moving tickets. And here, was it weird to be like, oh, I'm not selling as many tickets? Was it a weird transition? Because now you are, obviously, at that time. Well, no, no. Well, I mean, when I was still in America for the fucking first time, man, I couldn't... The good thing was...

especially Comedy Works in Denmark, they were all sold out because the Comedy Works has such a good reputation that people will just come down to see what's ever on there. So there was a bit where I wasn't shifting tickets to a certain place, but I never perceived it that way. I always took it as, man, I'm in America and 30 people in Indianapolis have turned up to see me live. Like, that's a fucking achievement. It's not how I want to play the room, but I can't punish the 30 people in the room who made the fucking time to come in there.

But, you know, the New York scene to me is the most respected and therefore the most fucking intimidating one. And I remember, you know, the first time I was invited to fucking sit down at the comics table at the cellar, which, you know, growing up listening to podcasts and watching fucking Louis was like, this is unbelievable. I can't believe I'm part of that.

you know, to go away for a year and then do the rest of the world where my career is going and then come back and set that table with a different group of people who've got no idea who fucking Scottish Macaulay Culkin is. Right. And again, nobody else has made me fucking feel this way. I've never felt fucking unwelcome. I've never felt ostracized. This was like, what do you want to say? 10 years ago that I was texting you about Daniel. Yeah. Like we've thought you were funny for so long. So it's, it's funny. Like,

you know, you do have that feeling like, oh, New York, but you know, you're, you're killing it, man. Yeah. You're doing great. The Soho Playhouse is one of my fucking favorite venues because they were the first one to put me on when I came over to here. Like, and they, like day one, day one, I played to nine people. I was a six day one day when I played to nine people and,

Day two, I played to 13. Day three, I think I played to about 40. And then on day five, it's like 180, say, a room. And you can see bits of them. And I'm on stage and there's about 50 people in the audience. And it's New York. And I'm like, everyone's in New York. You know, everyone tells all these stories. And I look in the crowd and I'm like, oh, my God.

That's... That's... That's... That's... That's... That's...

And then after that, I'm like, I'm almost certain that was Calpain. And I go downstairs and I get into the bar of the Soho room, Soho Playhouse, and there is just an Indian man there. And I'm like, oh...

I'm a racist. There was just like an Indian guy in the room and he does look a bit like him, I guess, but maybe the stage lighting makes me less racist. And I say hi to him and I take a photo with him even though he doesn't want one, but because I have all this like white guilt of like, oh, I thought you were just another famous brown man. And then I go outside and I check my Twitter and Cal Penn was like, hey man, I came to the show, I'm around the corner if you want a drink. Whoa!

Thank God. Oh, thank God. Yeah. Thank fucking God. For so many reasons. Yeah, yeah. And when I turned up, the first thing I said was like, buddy, you'll be pleased to know I'm not a racist. Because I recognized you from one other Indian guy. And I did a show the other night and I was like, I think Martin Luther King is in the crowd tonight. Yeah.

Must have been a dream. That was a dream. I'm sorry. Well, at least Cal Penn, he should be thankful for cricket. Yeah. So whenever I come over here, I tend to do the Playhouse because I also...

Man, I do 75 minutes. And because I'm fortunate enough to be at a position where when I'm touring the world, I'm doing 75 minutes. Going back to 10 and 15 and 20 is fun and challenging and sometimes I fucking love it. But they've asked me to be on this cellar a bunch of times here, which was my fucking dream when I was, you know, even in my 20s for the cellar to be like,

please drop in would make 25 year old me rock hard yeah but then i'm just like my show finishes at half nine and my son's in bed i gotta go yeah yeah yeah that makes sense yeah uh

Well, I got a show there at 10.30 if you want to pop in. Tonight? Yeah, just throwing it out there. But I know you don't want to be a bad father. No, but if... Choose Mark over your son. Yes. And I could because you being there would get me over my fucking... Even though all the staff left me and are consistently welcoming and happy to see me. You need a bridge.

I just, yeah. Dude, I'll be there too. We'll hang. Yeah, I just need a playmate. I just need like a little fucking, you know. You got both of us. Are you there tonight as well? I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. I mean, I'll have to... I mean, I'll... When I say run it past the fiance... Well, hey. Yeah, I'm running some new stuff. Oh, yeah, me too. I got some horrific new. Me too. It stinks. Oh, great. Then I'll absolutely come back. This will give me fresh fucking perspective. Those long sets are the best where you just are like, oh, I got to like really...

Like, why would you want to do 20 minutes when you could do 75? That's why people make fun of me for doing the road. I'm like, that's why I do the road. I get material out of it. That's where you work out. But you both did the, I mean, and, and, and user the, I don't know if you know this, but you're the example that's used in the UK when it comes to how there was this period of time in comedy that fucking existed where Netflix was suddenly there. That was, and, and as someone that had two Netflix, Netflix specials, I can tell you the experience of that almost, um,

Carson level of overnight fucking success where things fucking changed. But there was this huge gap in between, between like everyone wanted specials on Netflix, Amazon Prime were offering them and we were all like, yeah,

Yeah. I can wait. I'd rather work in one of your warehouses than give you an hour of my fucking material. Yeah. Because people browse Netflix. Nobody browses Amazon. I do sometimes, but not for comedy. But it's on Amazon and chill. I know, dude. You fuck with Bosch.

I like Bosch. Bosch is great. And then there was just this huge fucking gap. And then you guys finally, I mean, you know, you released them on fucking YouTube. And for so long, that was such a...

I think it was seen as almost a... Counterculture or outside the box? Mission of defeat, I think. Yes. Oh, it was a failure. I think it was a failure. I'll put it on fucking YouTube. And then you proved there wasn't. Because I'd said for years to my fucking agent, I'm like... Because I'd seen when Bo Burnham... Remember, Bo Burnham released What on YouTube before Netflix fucking bought it. Like, it got 100 million views on YouTube before Netflix were like, oh, fuck, we need to take this. Wow.

Wow. I knew from that fucking moment. I'm like, if you can find your way. They know how to spot talent. 100 million views. We're in. Yeah, right. But comedy should be a meritocracy. And sometimes it is. There are certain stages in this job that it is. If you're on the open mic scene, it's a meritocracy because-

the best comic will eventually arrive. So, we're on top of that. And then you'll start getting on other places. But then there's this new layer, which is kind of meritocracy, which is you're the best, but there's also agents involved and producers and TV. And there's all these other things that are coming in that are fucking up the audiences, not their enjoyment of it, but how it's being...

translated into work thereafter. They're like, okay, you obviously were brilliant, but we've got two of you. So we actually want this person who did much worse, but that's a different market. And this would start happening. And don't get me wrong, I still think because of this job, because of the nature with the audience, there is the chance of meritocracy of people getting to the job. And that's why I think

the internet now in the past two years has become actually such a powerful tool for comics. Because the comedians that, and I'll hold my hand up,

was one of the comedians being like, I'm not doing TikTok. I'm not doing Instagram reels. I'm not doing these shitty little... I'm not going to write my subtitles on a fucking 15-second stand-up clip and burn that material. There was this real snobbery from comics like fucking three years ago being like, well, no, we're not doing that. And then certain people fucking did and it fucking blew up because, of course, you were giving your material in the best possible format just out there to the world. And you know what? Let's say...

At best, 50% didn't fucking like it. But the 50% that did came in and went, we want more. Because that is how capitalism works. You've got to stop playing to the back of the snobby room comics and start playing to the people that are buying tickets to see you. We just want to sell tickets. Yeah. And also, they're jokes. How many people, some of those comics who are snobs, who are shitting on us, are posting pictures of sunsets.

I'm posting my fucking act. Yeah. I'm a comic. Oh, but, well, because you two were more, I would say, especially from the perspective in the UK, you took the jump into that well before most of our comics. Because now...

We've reached critical mass. So many people are now doing... I'm even fucking tweeting and fucking Instagramming stand-up stuff because I'm like, oh, this works. We now agree this is a system that works. Yes. When you guys were...

Was there any of that like... Of course. Yeah, I hate it. I still hate it. Comics I respected shit on me for and it didn't feel... Now that I could tell, they're like, I should have done that but I shit on them and I can't. You know? You turned a YouTube special into a Netflix special. Right. You're the first person to do it from the opposite fucking direction. You know, I don't know if I'm the first. There's other people but like, you know, I went a weird route where I did two Comedy Central specials then YouTube. Yeah. Then another YouTube and then...

And now Netflix. So it's weird to go starting with the industry love, but it's Comedy Central, so it doesn't do shit for you because no one fucking watches TV at 11 p.m. on Friday. So I have to build a special? Come on. And then YouTube. So then back to the industry and industry side that actually helps.

with Netflix, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You got to make it your own way. So it's weird to go, to go like, like that kind of, you know, but, uh, but whatever works, you want in the end, YouTube is now becoming oversaturated because so many comics are doing it. Like I swear to God, we get hit up every week, but my comic, like I've got a special coming out and we're like, yeah, there's a special every fucking week. More than every week. Cause there's more than 50 comics. Oh yeah. But the market has to be, is you put your stuff out on whatever the socials are, whether it's fucking Twitter, tech talk and Instagram. And you,

pardon me, you put out your content, whether that's a 15 second clip of standup or if you can't get two minutes out, what you're doing is you're just sewing seats. You're going, here's what I do. And obviously you get some people that are like, we hate that. We don't want that shit. And you're like, all right, well,

Fuck off. But people who like it will then come in. And I think that's what TV ignored for so very fucking long is the fact that if people really like something, if they really find something that resonates with their fucking heart, they will go out of their way to fucking consume it. Like I had one of my Netflix specials, for whatever fucking reason, I'd never expected this, went cult. Like a show that broke people up.

Right, I remember this. Yeah, it was never the intention. It was just a show about toxic relationships and about me getting out of this relationship. And it was sort of like a real rally against people in fake relationships.

Man, one of the 13 shows I've done in my career, for whatever fucking reason, this hit a part of- How many couples did you break up? At the moment, well, I can't even- Couples were at 500,000 and divorces, I'm at 550. I'm still mad at you. I loved her. You're right. You never know. Like Bill Burr said he walked off stage after that Philly rant and he was like, well, that goes my career. I just fucked my career up. And then look at that.

It's one of the most badass moments just because it was insane that Bill even had to deal with that, but the fact that he just didn't bend, you're like, he's just... I mean, the most quotable fucking bit, and I've done it when bombing just to make the comedians in the room, back of the room laugh, is you just go, seven minutes! LAUGHTER

Like if your gig's ever going badly, you're like, four more minutes. He goes, one minute in the period. He just keeps going. He goes, hockey terms. I mean, yeah, Bill just, I mean, that was like the moment where I was like, I already thought he was a great comic. I was already a big fan. But yeah, the fact that he just didn't bend. Oh, man. That was when I watched a level of stand-up that I was like, all right, I'm never going to reach that. I'll never have the courage to do that.

And I'll never have the brazenness. And also, because he was able to do it because I think he did have such a love of Philly itself. Right. With that audience, you know, he was able to just, you know. But they just booed you for no reason. They were animals. I mean, they booed you.

Dom Herrera offstage Dom is a fucking amazing comic great comic Dom has been an amazing comic for almost 40 years yeah that's why he was Bill was pissed he was like you're gonna boo this guy fuck you Dom's got one of my favorite bits you ever heard his bit where he when comics will go true story he goes who cares say something funny like anyone's getting like anyone's after a show it's like man that Dom Herrera stunk but boy did he have integrity

That's a great Dom Herrera bit. Great joke. He's great. Yeah, but you never know. I did a million of these late nights. They don't sell tickets, you know. But then I did a morning show with some lady and I was drunk or hungover and that popped. You never know. Yeah, but your clips from those shows sell tickets. Clips from the show. I'm not saying they were worthless. They look professional. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Look, as we said, there's no more Carson. No. No.

It's the internet. But I think when there was no more Carson, comedians sort of trusted it to be left up to Hollywood or in the UK, the fucking BBC to make these careers. And there's just been this time when we just sort of trusted executives and producers to pick us out of the tree and decide where we wanted to go. Whereas what we're realizing now, and look, I could be wrong in the same way that when the internet came out, people were like,

And now the internet's here, we'll all become more intelligent. And somehow we all became dumber. So this might be me saying one of those things, Priyam. But I believe now that because of the way social media is working and comedians' abilities to put their material out there regularly into a wider audience...

I do believe we're going to see a slow death of television because you're going to have comedians that can just, thanks to their social media tour, because people will eventually find them. Because there's this algorithm that another company created that certain people will be watching certain bits of material, and then they'll be introduced to your stuff or my stuff or your stuff.

And then they're suddenly in our algorithm and they watch our stuff. And without watching television and without ever going to see stand-up comedy live, they're now introduced to us as a person and they'll buy tickets to a show. And people that work in television will go, wait, hold on. You're selling out 3,000 seats every day, yet you don't have a television on the BBC. And you're like, yeah, it's because you don't know what's going on anymore. They're almost middlemen.

They've always been fucking middlemen. But they had power before. Yeah, they had middlemen before because there was no other alternative. This, because they were the, they chose what audiences saw.

And that right has now been taken away. But it used to be people that worked in television... You're right. Gatekeepers. Yeah. They chose what was entertainment. And now, thanks to the internet, nobody gets to choose what entertainment is anymore. People get to choose what they're entertained by. And thanks to this algorithm that was created for the opposite fucking reasons...

People are now finding artists that they've never seen before and can now... It's the most... I mean, this is why Patreon is so successful now because this is the first time in the history of entertainment that there's ever been such a direct fucking relationship between artist and fan. And it's not for other people. You don't have to soften your material for other people. You know, you don't need to weaken what you're doing to appeal to the fucking masses. You can offer them the opposite of that, which is what the audience want, which is...

more you. I like you. Right? I think you're great. Whatever this is, I fucking subscribe. And it takes a while to become used to that. Like, it still blows my mind that I have fans. But when you realize you don't have fans, man, they love you. It's like, you know, you just have to look at it in the same way that you look at musicians. I love this and I'll listen to everything they produce. There are people that

feel that way about comedy which is crazy there are people that feel that way about paper mache yeah sure welcome to the fucking weirdness of the world yeah I mean furries yeah no no no they do all have to be killed on air every furry like I'm not here to fucking kink shame

But if you're a furry, there's... Die. Yeah, die, die, die. Eventually the static electricity will get them. There is something about, you know, these gatekeepers. I get emails from my agents now. They're like, this company wants a general meeting. And I'm like, I'm good. Yeah.

Yeah, what a great feeling. Oh, this company, they produce Penis Island. Can you meet with them on Zoom for 60 minutes? I'll be all right. You know what? I'm going to go to the fucking coffee shop. I'll audition for that. Penis Island, big show. I didn't get it. No. You auditioned for the island. They wanted me to be the penis. Yeah, you're right. Epstein's Island. Sorry, never auditioned.

Yeah, it's true, but that's freedom. That's nice. That's the nice thing about having fans. You know, you got your own people. You got your own army. And eventually they want you. They want your people. And that's when it's just easier. That's when you just make the show you want without concessions and all that shit. That's why I don't do any circuits as much. Man, I'd fucking love to, you know, spend two weeks here doing all the fucking clubs every night. But in 100% honesty, it's...

laziness. I have my audience. You have family too. Yeah, he...

Don't justify my laziness. I need to punish myself mentally and I'll not have you ruin that. But no, even before my family were over, whenever I was in New York, I would be right down to the cellar, but I'd be doing shows here. I'd be like, no, I'll not do it. And I should because I love going down there. But I'm at a stage now in my career where I'm so fucking fortunate. The fact that, you know, wherever I go, I'll find my audience. And that is...

whether they know it or not, that is the comedian's dream, which is, you know, we don't want to appeal to the fucking masses unless you want to be, you know, the worst of comedians. Sure. You know, I don't know who the worst comedian is publicly seen as in America, but in the UK, it's Peter Kay. Nobody messages to the show, it's absolutely Peter Kay. I don't know who that is. No, you don't, and you never will, because he's a...

fat Manchester comedian who just did nostalgia on stage. Look, I'll insult him because I think he's personally shit as a comedian. Cunt sells out arenas. Oh, wow. He's one of the most quoted comedians in the UK. His work ethic is second to none. Can't take him on in that. Good fucking joke writer. Really good with audiences.

But you hate him? Yeah, yeah, I fucking hate him. Okay. Oh, because there's enough stories about Peter Kay off the circuit where you know what his stage persona is different to his actual real life persona. And also, it's straight down the middle comedy and not with the skill and humour that Brian Reagan does it. Don't compare...

Just because he's clean doesn't mean he's Brian Reagan. He doesn't have the talent that Brian Reagan has. I didn't even know he was. I wasn't comparing. Oh, yeah. And if you were to watch, you wouldn't understand it because it's very specifically British. It's nostalgia about British youth. But he's huge. Oh, yeah. And man, again, again. Do you know him at all? I know of him through people that have worked for him, which is why I have my perception of him as a human being.

And that is an awful one. But... I love the fucking shots fired on this episode. I know, honesty. I'm into it. Oh, who's going to touch me at this point? Well, we've got Russell Brand on after you. So that'll be fun. Or there was a joke I could have done there, but it would have been cut immediately. Oh, we don't cut. Yeah. Oh, you would have... Oh, really? Oh, boy. All right. There's no more cutting in the city now that Dear Evan Hansen's closing. So...

So, I got to – we stay around America. We do Canada. We do England. You know, maybe Ireland. What's a crazy country or city that loves comedy that we don't know about? Like out there overseas. I don't know if you did that intentionally but you genuinely listed every other country apart from Scotland there.

Oh, yeah. I put that all in there. I got to go there. Do I have to go to Scotland? I've performed there once. It was wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should go to the Fringe, but not do an hour there. Okay. Because the hour, especially with your – you would do a good hour. I think you'd do an exceptional hour, but I think you would not enjoy it because it wouldn't be like doing an hour at a comedy club.

Like, when you go to Edinburgh, it's the largest arts festival in the world. You have to understand that there's only two things globally that sell more tickets than the Edinburgh Fringe, and that is the Olympics and the World Cup. Wow. The third is the Fringe. It doubles the population of the city. There are 2,000 shows on a day, 500 of which are comedy. The drinking laws change. It's the city... I live there the rest of the year on the...

The city fucking changes. Yeah. The mistake that a lot of American comedians make when they come over is they're expecting it to be like a comedy club vibe, which if you do The Stand or you do Monkey Bar or the comedy clubs, you'll get that, but you're doing an hour. There's nobody on before you. There's nobody on after you. It's just you, and that's a difficult transition. That being said...

I've seen plenty of American comedians smash over there because you don't fall into what the Brits do over there. You don't create a narrative. You don't write about your dead dad. You don't have a musical number at the fucking end. You just do a solid fucking hour, 50 minutes of fucking material. And don't get me wrong. First week is difficult because audiences coming in and working and what they like, but then word of mouth helps. And then by the rest of it,

you're having a great show because I mean fucking Britannic American sketch duo came over and I only saw them on the final day and they were one of the best things I've ever seen yeah why do I know them do we see them in Ireland Mark I think we do maybe one of them is the brother of Michael Henney oh okay okay so yeah yeah yeah

I think it's absolutely worth you doing the fringe, but the way you should do the fringe is you should come over and do three nights there. Because what the fringe does and the mistake people make with the fringe is you have to go back to the fringe every year because you are building your audience every year. You go on stage, you play at 70 people, 70% of that like it. Next year, you move up to 100 people.

you get 60% fucking turn rate, but word of mouth has helped to take it up there. Then the next year you move up, then the next year you move up, then the next year you move up.

Australian comedians are famous for it. They'll come over, have three great fringes in a row, and then not come for a year. And then they'll come back and they'll be like, where's my audience gone? They're like, they thought you died. Right. Like, this is the fringe. If you want to become a fucking fringe comedian and successfully keep fringe, you have to do it every fucking year. Every year. But you can, you can come in and drop in.

Bo Barnum is coming in to be fair to Bo. Bo did two full fringes and then came back and dropped in. Bill Burr has dropped in to do three days at the fringe.

This year, his name escaped me. People come in and just fucking drop it. Yeah. To Sean Patton, who's done the full fucking run as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the most underrated comics in our country. And he's got a new special on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean P. Orpheus. And was underappreciated in Edinburgh for about two weeks until eventually the audience found him, and then he started fucking smashing it because that's the way the process works, unfortunately. Well, to be fair, he's underappreciated here, too. So that's just his thing. We love him. It's because he's so aggressive. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But yeah, three days. All right, that's the move because a month is such a commitment. No, no. Come over for two weeks and do three shows. Man, experience the festival. Whatever I tell you about it,

doesn't matter. You have to experience it for you to... Because you'll experience a different festival to me. You'll find different places that are actually really good to play. You've got to understand, this city opens up rooms that are closed for the rest of the year to become venues. So you go into...

old fucking room where there's water dripping off walls and 15 people are sat in there and you're like what is this for the rest of the year and they're like nothing this is where people used to be tortured like we just like the people have performed in a coat closets to three people the there's tops of buses like it's just don't I

Whatever I sell you and whatever I tell you about it will be a lie because your experience at the Fringe will be different. But that doesn't make your experience at the Fringe any less. You have to go over and 10 days is the best because 10 days is the ultimate holiday anyway. Two weeks is too long. One week is too short. If you were to go over for 10 days and you were to put on two shows at a good venue, which I could put you on with,

And the other eight days you decide what spots you want to do because there's a thousand spots a night. You could do late and live. You can do fucking Spank. You can do Monkey Barrel. You can do any of the fucking weird shit that's going on. There's other weird comedy shows where I did one this year where the comedian was, there were two actors on stage and your job as comedian was to just direct them doing Macbeth.

No stand-up comedy, just for an hour. Two people do Macbeth and randomly you just, as the director with the microphone, chip in with how you think they should be doing Macbeth. And that's the show. That's fun. That's weird. I enjoyed it so much. At the time of my life, they were such funny comedic actors. You know,

You could go to the Fringe a thousand times and never experience it in the fucking same way. There you go. You just gotta... That's a good sales pitch. Yeah. Maybe we'll go the same year. I would love to go. All right, maybe we'll do it. I hear it's beautiful. I'll set you up with a call. Maybe we'll do it live. We might be drunk. I'll set you up with... See the shows. We never do it. Now we're talking. Do they drink out there?

Let's do it. I've always been intrigued, but I keep turning it down for more money. No, no, no. Man, do not do the full run and do not buy in technical. If you want to, if you want to fucking take the risk, it can work out for you. And I would recommend it. If you can do the full run, I think there's so much learning in it. And I think it's such an important bit of fucking learning that if you want that, you'll benefit from it hugely. If that's what you want, then definitely do it. But

Before that, I would recommend you just go over to the French, because there is nothing like it. So you cannot make any rational decision on how you want to do it before...

there and being like, oh, fuck, this literally doesn't happen anywhere else in the world. Right. I hear you. All right. It sounds... I mean, Michelle Wolfe had a great time. Ari loves it. Patton loves it. Canane. Oh, Ari gave us horrific mushrooms one year on the second last day of the Fringe, and

I met him at one of the artist bars and he was like, a fan gave me these. I took one 20 minutes ago and it's great. And I was like, I don't like mushrooms. He's like, I do. And I'm telling you as a friend, this one's safe. And I took it. And then like 40 minutes later, he came up to me. He was like, I made a huge mistake. This is fucked. By the way, the number one guy who tries to get me to shroom. Yeah. Is Ari. He's like, we got a shroom.

Terrible fucking endorsement, Ari. Terrible fucking endorsement. And because of that, I say, fuck the Jews. Whoa, whoa. He represents you all. Come on, man. Is that going to get us flagged on YouTube?

We had a killer episode and they were like, we're pulling this. It's not called YouTube. Plug some gigs, Dan. Oh, yeah. Just, man, before you buy tickets to come see me live, go on Netflix, watch my Netflix specials, YouTube specials. Jesus.

Watch Dark and Jigsaw. I will also be releasing three specials on my website before the end of the year. Wow. Yeah. But they're from previous shows that weren't picked up by other places, but we filmed them anyway to a professional level. Hell yeah.

And they're good. In fact, if you enjoy Dark and Jigsaw, they're better than those ones because they came after those ones. Yeah, there you go. That's the way to do it. Highest endorsement. Great comic. Yes, killer act. Yeah, and plug some gigs too.

Oh, you want me to plug the fucking Dublin, Newcastle, Vilnius, all these weird places in Europe? We might have some friends over there. Go to danielsfloss.com. I do Europe heavily. I do Lithuania, Estonia, Belgium, Germany, France, LA, all the ones. Go on my way. Yeah, I do everywhere.

I'll tell you, I've done Europe a good bit, and I ate my ass in Belgium. Have you ever been there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can take a while. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, did I die in Belgium. Everything else was great. Antwerp was weird. Was that with Bert? Yeah. Yeah.

You've been to Antwerp? Oh, you went with Bert Kreischer? Yeah. Well, that explains why it was weird. Yeah. Like Belgium wasn't ready for Bert Kreischer. Scotland was amazing. Yeah. What did you do in Scotland? We did Glasgow some...

Some kind of warehouse-y looking place. Oh, the garage. Yeah, the garage. Yeah, yeah, the garage is fucking classical history, man. Yeah, great time. I got Lexington, Kentucky. I don't know. Did we do Phoenix already? Lexington, New Brunswick, OKC, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Kansas City, Missouri, Tacoma, Spokane. More shit's coming. Big tour announcement coming soon. And watch my Netflix special, Same Time, Same Time.