Ep 95: Lewis Black
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All right. Thanks for joining us, Lewis. Well, I'm right down the block, so this was really easy. Oh, great. Yeah, we worked out on all levels. You look good. Thank you. Well, thanks. You do. You look good. That's weird. That's why. Did it look like on other things? You look better than you used to look. That's what people say. That's one of the things that, that thing where people come up and go,

God, you lost weight. Right, right. Well, thanks. So I was, what, a beast? Yeah. You fuck. I thought I was okay. And if I really needed to lose a lot of weight, and obviously I was in danger. But why didn't you say something? Oh, wow. I didn't know you then. But Todd Glass has that great joke about, he's like, you ever have somebody tell you you look like somebody that's super insulting? Like, you look like John Goodman, but a thin John Goodman. You look like a good-looking pig. That's a good one. Yeah. It is. Todd, it's good. The...

Yeah, no, but thank you. The only thing about the pandemic that was good to me was anxiety really kind of helped. Oh, yeah. How did it help you? Because I lost weight. It's the best dieting. I mean, I really did. And what really irks you is your doctor. My doctor had said, you know, it'd be really good if you lost 15 to 20 pounds. And I lost more. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

And then the thing is, is you're supposed to, one would think you, you know, because he said one of the great things he said about it was, you know, when you have 20 pounds extra on you, when you're wandering around, it's like carrying 20 pounds on you. Sure. It's like carrying a fucking Belize with 20 pounds all day.

Well, I lost the weight. Yeah. And then I lost even more. And then I go back to see him and I go, yeah, well, that's a great concept. I still feel like I'm fucking 30 pounds. I still feel like I'm carrying an asshole. Yeah. It didn't go away. It went away and I still feel it. So explain that. That's just the stress on your shoulders. You got the anxiety. What do you think is the key to your anxiety? What causes it?

Well, no, that was the pandemic. Oh, it was the pandemic. I had never had it before. Really? I'd never had anxiety. I thought every comic had anxiety. No. Uh-uh. Really? No. No, not every. There are some comics. No, there's some. I go in the L.A. green rooms. There's some comics. Oh, good point. Like Tai Chi in that green room. Yeah, but I don't do Tai Chi. And I'm certainly not happy. But there are a lot of happy-go-lucky comics. Yeah, Cosby was happy. Yeah. He had a good time. Wasn't lucky. Yeah.

Exactly. But now that guy, that guy raped a lot of women. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently. You shouldn't do that. No. That's a big no-no. That and stealing jokes are the two things. I do. I did realize that like, you know, sometimes I'll get really pissed about a comic stealing jokes and then you're like, well, now I definitely got to speak out if they rape. Yeah.

You know, I can't be the guy who's only tweeting about the, you stole a joke. Yeah. He'll be like, rape is bad too. Yeah, I guess because no one's going to rape us. So the joke, you could steal my joke, but you're not going to rape me. So it's just selfish. Well, I'm pumped to have you here because I've followed your career forever. I mean, like, I used to open for Dave Attell a lot. He told me about touring with you. Oh, yes. I mean, the tour was you and Dave Attell were co-headlining and the opening act was Mitch Hedberg. Wow.

Yeah, it was pretty remarkable. That's insane. It was really insane, and it was also insane because...

David and I, for some reason, become the faces of Comedy Central. Yes. Even with The Daily Show being on, Dave and I would do these fucking interstitials at the end of the week. They would have a show, like, you know, some bogus fuck show where they'd have six different comics and some sort of bullshit sketches, whatever the fuck. And they'd have Dave and I introduce this stuff so that we were always kind of on. Yeah. You know, and he was doing Insomnia...

and I was doing the daily a lot and all of a sudden they said you want to do this tour yeah hell yeah and did he tell you about the the great David tell story oh I can't wait it was one of the great ones was uh we had we had a lot of fun and uh he was still drinking oh God he did one thing that was the most the most brilliant thing I've ever seen in terms of dealing with we'd have we'd want to go out afterwards

so uh he would uh he would in our in the rider he had him give him a bodily ager yeah of course and i said jesus you're gonna get a bottle every night that's crack you can't drink it that much he said watch so we go to the we go to the whatever we're going to the bar and he walks up to the bar and

puts that bottle of Jager down, slams it down in the bar and goes, drink up, drink Saronas. And then we would walk to the back of the bar and they like fucking minnows would go... Right, right. And they'd all scatter and get up to the bar and he and I could go in the back and just basically not be bothered. Wow, that's brilliant. It was really smart. But he... One night we were... I can't for the life of me remember what fucking town we were in. Yeah. But he gets...

I left the bar before him and got back. And he apparently walked back to the hotel and then got a cab. He's at his hotel. Yeah. Gets a cab to go to his hotel. Ah.

He was that fucked up? That's great. Oh, my God. How good is that? I've done it before where you're shit-faced and you use your credit card to try to get on the subway. I've done that. Which now you can do. Yeah. Right? But back in the day, you would try to swipe like a Visa. Yes. You're ahead of your time. You're just hammered. Yeah. But this was really something because he sent them to the, he said, I think it's this. And then he would name the hotels. And eventually, he named the hotel he was at and they drove back to the hotel.

It was really splendid. And it made me feel so good about my blind, you know, shit-faced drinking. Right, right. I thought, wow, I've been fucked up, but I didn't do that. Yeah. I mean, I'm almost scared to ask, but how was Mitch?

Mitch was just Mitch was Mitch. Yeah. Here's Mitch. Mitch is we the first day we're going to Austin. We're in a van. We go get out. We hop out in one of these places. We're picking up some gas. And it's and there's a whole bunch of these red solo cups there. And he goes up with about 12 of them.

to the guy and he says how much can I buy these and the guy goes yeah how much are they and he gives him some money and he comes out beaming with these 12 red solo cups going said you know you're never gonna you never know when you're gonna you need one of these and I just went wow we are in I thought this is going to be one of the strangest that was it you think he was fucked up

He must have been. Well, if he's not, then it's just... Then it's dementia. Yeah, then something... Poor boyish excitement. Yeah. Well, I mean, those Red Solo Cubs, I thought, you know, you live in Minneapolis, for fuck's sake. You were born and raised there. I know they have Red Solo Cubs. Yeah.

You know, you can't be trying to impress Dave and I. No. We've seen those fucking cups. Right, right. I guess those cups equal a good time. It's like a party or a barbecue. Beer pong, yeah. But he was very funny, and he was there for... But we had said at the beginning that we were not... Dave and I both made it very clear. You are not expecting us to be in charge of him. No.

- Wow. - You know? - Yeah. - You cannot ask Dave and I who are going, who are gonna go to the bar. - Right. - And gonna be fucked up to be in charge of the other fucked up guy. - This is like a hangover movie right here. - Yes, totally.

I just throw in heroin. That's the only difference. But was he sober-ish on the road with you guys? Well, I mean, the first day, it was one of those things where you get your... You know, you have your rider. And we'd never had... None of us. We all wore clubs. We never had a rider. So it was like, I'll get a... I got a vodka. Dave got the Jaeger. And Mitch got a bottle of vodka. And it was like...

And he was supposed to be in a sobriety thing at this point. So it was kind of like Dave and I looked at each other and went, oh, okay, well, okay, well, that's that. You know, this is not, this is not, we're going to have to call the guys again and say, you know, we're not,

And he got a bottle of vodka each night for a while. And then I don't remember because, I mean, I literally, okay, a bottle of vodka each night. What happens is by the third night, you go, I got two and a half bottles of vodka. Yeah, exactly. This is completely stupid. Yeah, well, you got those solo cups. Yeah.

Fill them up. Can I ask, though, like back in the day, I feel like in Comedy Central, they used to air all these tours. I remember seeing your tour with David Tell and Hedberg. Then I saw the Geraldo one. Then you'd have tour guys. They used to put these on TV. I don't feel like we do that anymore. Do we? No, not comedy tours. No, no. What they do now is then they get.

which goes back to before that when they'd get four people and they'd go, tonight is, you know, here's the best of the scooters. And here come the scooters. And these are every comic who talks about scooters. We're going to have them on tonight. Right.

And there'll be four of them. You know, they just do it. They package it. They package it. It's not a long. Yeah. It's not the way that, you know, they did. And they only really did some of that. Yeah. I feel like being a comic at that time was so rock and roll. Like so much of comedy. A lot of comics seem to be going through a health phase. But you're in this time when it was like, you're drinking. It tells drinking. Hedberg's doing God knows what. You know, and I think of those stories. I remember, I don't know if it was in your book or in.

Jim Norton's book, I read about you guys getting arrested. Oh, yeah, it was Norton and I. Ooh, let's hear it. Oh, yeah, well, that's the one. It's the naked party bus. I can't remember what they called it. God damn it, there was a name for it. We were doing Opium Anthem. Oh, right. Jim was starting to become part of that group.

but hadn't reached that, you know, hadn't been brought on, right, as a regular. I was on there at least once every 10 days. Yeah, wow. And it was great. They were on in the afternoons and...

And I was really comfortable. And Anthony and I would just scream at each other. It was just great. He was so full of shit. And he thought I was so full of shit. And we'd just bellow at each other. And it's this whole thing of now we live in a great divide. He and I were on a great divide. But neither of us took it seriously. Right. Both of us knew that we were full of shit. Yeah. So, you know, I'm yelling at him. He's yelling at me. Then they say we've got a bus coming today. Right.

there's gonna be These we've gotten these girls are supposed to be these these these girls are gonna be naked on the bus and Did Jim and I want to go on the bus? Well, you're fucking yeah You know and it was and it never crossed my mind if they go teenage and this still is not registering until later when but we we

We get on the bus and the Boyer bus, they called it. Ah, there you go. It was called the Boyer bus. And the deal was, is they were driving around the country and there was one girl who was in it at that point. I think there may have been two of them, but one at that, he'd come to New York.

And they drove around, the whole idea is you drove around a city in order to express our First Amendment rights. Oh, good on you, sister. Really? Isn't that like something you think? The first thing you think of is take naked girls around, and that's our First Amendment. Now, are they attractive? Because sometimes these First Amendment gals can be a little rough around the edges. I know what you're thinking, but no. Oh.

No, it was really... That's the way to express your freedom of speech, I think, is tits. Exactly. But it's also the same. I said at the time that we were doing it, it's like saying, you know, you don't yell fire in a theater. It's like saying the equivalent of saying, well, don't yell fuck you in a theater. Right. That's, you know, that's... I mean, come on, guys, the First Amendment. Just say it for what it is. Whatever it is that you're trying to sell...

let's go sell it and thank you for inviting me on the bus yes now did the Santa send this bus up here this was this was back when when when things were fun yeah remember when this was not a political statement oh my god I know these breasts are making no statement whatsoever except to the delight of Norton and me and there was another producer

and along the way we picked up a friend of mine who was the artistic director of a theater that i did a lot of work at in the summers i said you know he was married and i said i think you're going to want to do this yeah and so he hopped on the bus you're his wife's least favorite friend and here's a big one it's it's uh you know who kate burton is i don't

I don't know. You don't? Really? Wow, that's great. I can't wait to tell her. It's Richard Burton's daughter. Oh, okay. And a really fine actress. It's her husband. Isn't his son an actor, too? Yes. He's...

But she's the one. Well, who's Richard Burden's son? Because he's also famous, isn't he? I don't know. I know her. But what I really know, and I know her husband really well, so I got him on the bus. Now we're driving around. It's just before Christmas. Okay? Okay.

So we're driving all over. We're driving. We're coming right down fucking, you know, right down Ninth Avenue, right down fucking Ninth. Coming from the where that we were on 56th Street. We spin out of there, come down and we move through the city like a bat out of hell. Oh, yeah. And these girls are standing there and then we would roll up and they'd be we'd be sitting there.

these guys will be looking up and these girls are standing there kind of doing a little bit of a dance and going, yeah, that's right. Go fuck yourselves, you pieces of shit. So that's what they're saying. The whole thing was just magnificent. Of course. Because they're getting back at them. They think they're getting the show. And meanwhile, what's extraordinary is these

old ladies who were the ones you think, they're thumbs up. Yeah, yeah. They're like, couldn't be happier. Nobody bothered. It's Christmas, you fucking idiots. Everybody is happy. Here comes a bus filled with tits. Yes. Who could complain? So we go all the way around. Now we've gotten around at fucking four o'clock.

3.34, 4.30. So we're getting into rush hour and we're moving like about out of hell and we get through the city in 40 minutes. Wow. Well, you get out of the way for tits. You got to. The lanes open up. And the cops who would listen to Opie and Anthony because the cops weren't stupid.

We're always on top of the fact that if they were going to do something idiotic, they need to kind of have to deal with it. Right. So they knew they had to help us get through. And they did. And there was no sense of traffic being fucked up. Spectacular. We're three blocks from the studio. We dropped my friend off.

He's so fucking lucky he got out of that fucking. He gets off. We drive three more blocks. We're three blocks away from where we have to be. And the cops stop us and basically drag, take us off the bus. They put us in those fucked up handcuffs, those plastic handcuffs. The zip ties. The zip ties. And they took all of us.

Including the girls, everybody. Everybody get off the bus. And it's because at that point, Rudy Giuliani was the mayor of New York and he was going to be sure. He said that we were disturbing. There it is. It's my friend. And he said we were going to be disturbing the peace. Oh, wow.

Come on. And it was like, fuck you. And it was also, here's the, it was like, it's always amazing how this shit that's the most honest thing you can say is funny. So why did we, why did they also take us off the street? Because within an hour and a half later, an hour and a half max, I mean, probably, he was coming through was Bill Clinton. Hmm.

who was the president at that point. So he's coming through. So we're basically being busted. He's gotten a blow job. We're getting busted for being on this bus. And we're not breaking the law because why? In New York City, women can be topless. That's right. So the whole thing was madness. What Bill Clinton did was worse.

Yes. Getting your dick sucked by your employee in the Oval Office is worse than a titty bus in Midtown. It is. It would seem to me he should have waited a lot longer to get by. Or they should have told him the bus was coming through. Would you like to join us? It was really something. I mean, it was one of those things. And then they took us and we were in jail for a day and a half. Wow. A day and a half? Yeah. Well, they took us in. Yeah. No, they took us in that night.

Is there a mug shot? We had a gig. Not that I remember there was no mug shots because we didn't even get that far. We went in. We stayed there. Jim would remember. The next day, we had to be tried by a certain time. If we weren't, we'd be there the whole weekend. This was like a Thursday, I think, when we got caught.

We go in there in the evening and then they put us into Gen Pop, which is a general population. So now we're sitting in there. Jim and I, and Jim at that time, as much as Jim would talk of good ballgamer, I could certainly go, go fuck yourself.

pretty easily we're like going ah yeah this has gone too far and then we're going you know I think maybe I said did anybody card those girls did anybody card the girls did anybody card the girls that's all we need Jim yeah we're gonna have we're gonna get busted for this now we're gonna get busted for being on a bus with topless girls god damn it and they're underage we're

Oh, no. So that's also... You're next to Jeffrey Epstein in the cell. He's like, I got their age. I think they're good. And I was in... And to boot, I was in Jeffrey Epstein's house once. What? Really? Yes, with Bobby Slayton. I've got nothing. Yeah, this is... When they got up to go to the bathroom, did he smell the seat? No. How was Jeffrey Epstein's house? Unbelievable. I mean, but what was the occasion? Bobby Slayton, I...

Woody Allen and Sun Yee. Oh, my God. This is like a Mad Libs. Exactly. Holy moly. It is. That's a very good one. That's nice, man. There was Dick Cavett. Wow. And not...

i can't think of his name i can see him harvey no epstein not a good guy but he throws a hell of a dinner party yeah i mean these are some good guys but it was and then there was one other comic and i can't remember he's passed away greg it's another one louis anderson norm bob zagat gilbert it's nobody he'll reach oh okay i mean it's one further back it's he's he was i know everybody's married not richard jenny

No. Freddie Roman. Alan King. No, no. We could play... Sounds like. Okay. So what's going on with Dennis? I think it began with a G. Yeah.

And he was, I can tell you this, he was married to Ty Babylonia. All right, that's all you need. Ty Babylonia's husband. And I can't think of his... How do you get invited to Epstein's? Fucking Slayton called me up and said, you know, he really likes comics. Randy Gardner. No, that's a figure skater. No. All right. Blind Boy Tano. Tony Harder.

He was a middle act. So, yeah, what's the occasion for this? It was that Bobby had gotten this. He had invited a bunch of, you know, Epstein was like, let's go, you know, let's get a bunch of hoo-hahs together. I mean, if you looked at the list of people he hung out with. So he liked Bobby's work. And then he said he liked he wanted to meet me, apparently. But Bobby goes, he's got really unbelievable wine.

We're going to drink really great. I said, okay, fuck it. Now, I know nothing about him. Yeah, it's David Brenner. David Brenner. David was here. Wow. And he was really funny. It's so funny to go to Epstein's place for wine. Yeah. How old is his bottle? 16 years? So I'm there. Nothing is... This is...

This is like seven years before the shit hits the fan. Oh, yeah. And we're there, and it was just kind of wild. And then the capper of the evening is at the very end, David Blaine shows up. Whoa. Can you make these charges disappear? So that was our night. And I'll tell you,

There were young girls flitting about, but I didn't know, having not figured out anything on the voyeur bus about age, I had no idea. I didn't know how old or young they were. And there was a woman who was an older woman who was really, really attractive. And I thought she...

I thought she was the one that was Epstein's girlfriend. That's what I thought. And it was the kind of thing you go into his...

When we got here, here's what's... It's weird from the beginning because it's like you go in and he's got a whiteboard and there's all of this stuff drawn on it. And he goes, you want me to tell you what that is? And I go, yeah, well, sure, Bobby and I. He goes, you know, I had the Israeli defense minister here last night for dinner. And then he's got me and Bobby Slayton. I mean, what kind of a fucking... Are you shitting me? And then he said, and so we were talking about, he was showing me what kind of defense systems...

Israel would use in case of attack. Wow. And I thought, you know what? First up, what is the Israeli defense minister? What the fuck is the matter? Why would you tell me this is already, now it's weird. Yes. Nothing else is weird, but I know this was like a honk, honk, something is wrong in this house. Yeah. This is a guy who's working on his defense many years before. Right. I mean, that's interesting. I mean,

And this place was outstanding, right? I mean, it was just gorgeous. Yeah, it was major. You can see it. What is it, Upper West? No, it's between Madison and Fifth. Oh, okay. In the 60s. And it kind of is like a big...

And it didn't have a lot of furniture in it. It was very bare, but it looked, it was done well. Yes. And the wine was stupidly expensive. Yeah. It was a great wine. It was really great wine. Can you tell when you're having, I can't really tell. I can because it's just another way to hide your alcoholism.

Right. You can go, boy, now I can take, I have a sense now of what's good. Yes, I'm a connoisseur, not an alcoholic. Yeah, exactly. That's how they were in Kentucky all week, and they're like so proud that they're like these bourbon sommeliers, but I'm like, you're still, good job you can tell that they're caramel notes. You're still wrapping your car around a fucking pole, you know? Yeah, exactly. Heroin addicts know when it's pure shit, you know? Versus... But it was really...

And we got invited back again. Bobby said, you want to go? I said, I ain't going to that house again. Oh, really? No, absolutely not. I don't care how good the wine is. I said, something is fucked up in there. And I don't know what it is. Not going Bobby Slade for the voice of reason. It was one of those things, too. You know this thing. It's that thing where somebody wants...

to hang out with you and they may be able to give you something. Right. But you go, I don't fucking, I don't want it. It feels weird. Then you're indebted to them. Yeah. Bobby's like, we're getting massages. What, did you know Woody Allen? Well, I mean, I remember you were in Hannah and Her Sisters. Yeah. It's a great movie. Great movie. It turned his career around. One of his best, I think. I agree. Top three. Turn.

What was that like to be? I said, I kept saying, I think it's the first movie he made money off of. And I said, and I'm the only person in it who really brought it over the top. It was, it was, I had a good time working with him. I mean, I really, here's something. I mean, if you, if I don't know if you guys have ever done a movie, but here's the smart thing he taught us. It was me and a guy named Christian Clemens who did a bunch of television afterwards and

and films and we were doing our first scene it's the first scene I've ever done in a movie uh-huh and you must have been shitting bricks I mean this is terrifying Woody Allen this is your opening movie yeah it was I was and it was really and uh and I I kind of could

fuck with him because I've been in theater. So I had... And I knew his work in terms of theater and stuff because he'd been... So I could fuck with him on that level. I said, you know, because there's all this shit on there and we're going to go do this scene. And we shot the first scene. We shot it. We said we're going to rehearse and we did it. And we got back in and there had been a bunch of fuck-ups and I said, oh, I guess...

I guess this is, you know, you wanted to do this instead of theater. Yeah. And he didn't really laugh, but I thought, okay, well, at least I gave it a shot. And we...

And then he said, okay, we're going to rehearse it again. And then we said, we got one more and we'll get the cameras right. We did it again. And once we did it again, he said that we got it and let's move on. He said, I want you to think of everything that we're doing is a rehearsal. Oh, interesting. Keep you loose. It was. And that was huge. Wow. Yeah. Because you realized, oh, fuck, you know, I didn't think about it.

I didn't worry about it. And I still, to this day, I will try to use that, but you still, they go roll them and you still tighten up. That's good. But it's a great, it really is one of the few lessons I had in my life in terms of just basically dealing with a camera in terms of film. Because you sometimes run it for three minutes, five minutes, whatever. If you don't think of it as like something that's got to be done right,

And just think of it as we're just doing it. Yeah, that's good. Your Woody Allen joke was, too soon ye. Oh, wow. He's not a guy you seem like you can really, you don't picture the roast of Woody Allen. You're roasting David Hasselhoff. You're not roasting Woody. What's funny was how that he's, outside of that set, he doesn't seem to be

He's more introverted. On the set, he's that guy. That's when he is that guy. And he's a very good director. And the kids were around.

And I didn't, you know, I'm the one who goes, I don't, you know, that was the weird thing is I didn't notice anything. The kids seemed to be, what do I know? Yeah, yeah. You know, people, Jacques Hughes, you work for them, you son of a bitch. What the fuck was like, you know, what are you fucking? Yeah, what was that, 92 or something? Yeah, and I still, I could go through the whole history of it, and we'll do that on the next one. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You're bringing me back for Woody Part 2. Oh, yeah. Epstein Part 3. And whatever did happen inside the jail. What was interesting, though, to get back to that, was after they took Norton and I, we went in. Once we got to the fucking... Because we had to be out of there. Now it's like 8 o'clock, and they've got until like 8.30 or something. And they bring in the first group, and the judge...

goes, are you fucking kidding me? I mean, basically, it was a female judge who said, you've got to be kidding me. She said, of all the things going on in New York City, at this point in time, just before Christmas, that you are really going to tell me that you want me to try these people? All right. And keep them in jail? What is the matter with you? You know, what planet are you on? Nothing bad happened. It was fine. And they got through and a half. And

Here, here. And they got through the first four, the next four, and the next four. We all were like, we were out of there. But when we got up, it was like, stop. Yeah. Just really go. Get out of here. Damn. It's a different time. Because just think about being on that bus now. Everybody would have phones out. And all this would be recorded. And then even the jail stuff. You're like, I got to get content at the trial. You take your phone.

phone. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying, like, it's just a better time when you could just live. Now everything is recorded and filmed. There's much more freedom, for sure. There was a lot. I mean, it was really, and it was funny, and it was just silly, and it was goofy. And then they tried to get us...

And it's like, you know, you're talking to Norton and I were paranoid enough that you've got internal affairs there. We're trying to bust the cops who have become now. I, you know, become because of that fucking show. All the cops know who I am. Oh, great. So it was like these are people don't fuck with, you know, fuck with my friends. You fucking idiot. What are you kidding me? You're going to come here and investigate the cops who got all these people through.

Yeah. All they did was do their job properly, and you're seeing it as a crime. Fuck you. Hear, hear. That's one thing I'll say about cops. They love comedy. I got my moped stolen recently, and I went to go. They found it, and I went to go pick it up, and they were like, we've heard you. Are you on OPN? Are you on this and that? I was like, yeah. And they were all going nuts. It was great. Yeah. No, it is. It makes it. They listen to it. Oh, yeah. And they're great. Yeah. They need a laugh. Yeah. A lot more now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so have you been on the road a lot? I just started. Hey! I was so pissed because I had to stop. You pissed? Get out of here. Because I went from December to May 15th. And May 15th, I did a new special. Oh. And then because everybody was using... Because all of these people were trying to get back into theaters, I couldn't get back in until... They had to push stuff that I did until...

Till this, till now. Yeah. I'm kind of, you know, still cleaning up the stuff that I hadn't done before. So I went, I was on the road and did New England. And then I go to Warren, Ohio this week and tomorrow.

Quit bragging. Yeah, no, are you kidding me? I don't even know where that is. I don't either. It's near Akron and kind of near Cleveland. Okay. And then on to Dayton. There you go. Carmel, Indiana. I know that. Please, get a pen. Get a pen.

This is the Build Your Hour Back Up Tour. Yeah, yeah. Totally. So I got to say, you know, I'm a fan. I've been watching you for years. Did you know, and you probably do know this, but George Carlin was interviewed years ago, and he said, who do you like? They said, who do you like, you know, coming up? And he said, you and Hedberg. Yeah, it was unbelievable. I mean, what a, yeah, what a tip of the cap. It was huge. And it was huge for me because nobody knew me.

Oh, really? No. I literally was just on The Daily Show for two years, maybe. I was just starting to get known. But not... I was playing clubs and wandering around, and I had...

I don't even know if I had my first CD out. Wow. But you were crushing in the clubs, though, I heard. I heard, like, you were a dude that when I was even, like, I mean, you had been, this is, you were further established at this point, but people would say, like, Lewis used to crush, like, Stand Up New York, all those local clubs. It was fun to do. Yeah. It was really fun. And it was fun to, and I miss, in a way, I really do miss being in that lineup, like, with Gaffigan or Kevin Meaney or...

uh Mario Cantone I mean the people who I was in the lineups with were it was just fun yeah you know you and Mario Cantone back to back is a fun show that's a lot imagine I'd be standing there screaming about Reagan at the top of my lungs and then and then Mario would follow me yeah and uh

And that was what was great, too. None of us had any. We all got such a kick out of it. It wasn't like you were competing with somebody. It was like, great, great. Now I get to follow that. Great. This is good because the room is really bouncing around. And Mario wouldn't be on the stage. They'd introduce him. And then he in the corner after I just come off would start singing his Tina Turner. What's love got to do with it?

And he would sing that song all the way onto the stage. So now the whole fucking... Now the room's going crazy for another reason. I love it. And then... And I saw the best...

They don't do it... I don't know if they do it anymore. Where they come in, somebody comes in from, like, Network or from Comedy Central to watch you. Not really. That shit go on. So they were coming in to see Kevin Meany. It was... I forget the show. It was one that John Candy had done, the movie, and Kevin was going to be on the TV show, and they were coming in to look at him. Okay. It was ABC, and he...

he did a thing called We Are the World. Yes. Which is really just spectacular. That was his signature bit. It was his signature bit, and it was right at the point where he had it perfected. And I'm following him. Yeah. And they're all there to watch him.

And the thing to me was always in terms of that, there was always an inordinate amount of, you know, you're going to go from, you know, eating fucking gruel to eating gruel with nuts. But it's just a rehearsal. That's how you got to look at it, you know? But he got up there and cried.

It was one of the most extraordinary auditions, because I'd seen the piece 17, 20, 30 times. And I was like, holy, how did he find, you know, that thing where you go, how did he find the next level? And the audience went berserk. Yeah. Berserk. I love it. And then I had to follow him. Oh, geez. And I walked on stage and I said, you have no desire to see me. So here's what we're going to do.

We're going to take some time right now to just admire how fucking funny he is. You've got to do that. And how good this bit was. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to sit down. And when you're done, I'll get up and talk to you. Ha!

And the audience was great. Yeah. Well done. And they went on for like, but they went on for like seven minutes. It was great. I did. I remember we used to do the competitions in New York called March Madness and it was like comic versus comic. I called it Eight Mile for Jews basically.

But you go head-to-head against another comic, you know, your minute versus their minute. Then it would go up to like four minutes versus their four minutes. And I went against this comic, James Mattern, who is unbelievable at crowd work. Unreal. So he goes up there, and I just have to watch him just fucking eviscerate. Just the room is on fire. He's just going, look at this guy. Look at this. Just murdering. I'm like, I can't follow this. Because you've got to do standard material. I'm doing bits. So I just had to go up, and I said...

i can't do that and it got a huge laugh and that kind of like saved me i was just like i can't do what he did and uh and then and it took a minute they all kind of applauded and i was able to go into my jokes yeah but it was like but you do have to acknowledge you guys or you just get buried yeah you gotta i mean that's the thing that i never understood and you see it all the time where you got that idiot on stage and the audience hates them yes and they're acting

A, either that they love them or B, you know, that they're missing the point. I call it the Dale Carnegie School of Comedy where they just, you know, couldn't be happier with the shit that they're doing. Yeah. And it drives me fucking nuts. And there's no connection at all. No connection. So I don't, I never understand how you, how you don't,

that and say, I mean, when I've hit the shitter, when I was first working and hitting the shitter, I would make jokes about it. Sure, yeah. You know, I would lie down, I would say, what I'm going to do now, I think it's seeing me that's bothering you. I'm going to lie down on the stage and do the material. You know, whatever it took

But you have to acknowledge it. You have to. And that's something you only get from just doing reps and actually bombing every now and then. Yeah, exactly. And being able to see that you can get comfortable up there. I have a question for you because I saw you, I think it was on CNN. It was many years ago. It must have been like...

honestly, like close to 15 years ago. So I don't remember the exact context of this, but you were on with a bunch of politicians and you were just being funny. And they were asking you serious questions about policy. And at one point you went, I'm a comedian. Yes. Like, why are you asking me this? And I do feel like comics now, like not every comic, they weren't always this political. Not every comic feels political now. So much feels... You have to have a take on everything. Yeah, I guess my question is basically like,

Did you feel like they were, like, what are they doing? Like, what is this? You know, like, why are they going to you for those types of answers when we're not in this for that? No. And then I stopped going on their shows. Oh, good. I said, you know, I'm going to go on as a comic, and you're going to talk to me as a comic, and that's it. I'm not here. You're not going to push me into the position of being, you know, a commentator. You're not going to push me into a position of,

I'm an editorialist. I'm not. I'm sticking with my comedy. And so I fucking... Ben Stein. Oh, yeah. I was on a show with him and there were a bunch of others. I made a joke about Schwarzenegger.

The fact that he's he was running for governor or was governor of California And I said something in fact that you know Jews never never really trusted Austrians, and I can't remember what the kind yeah It's a stupid joke It was a Jewish joke that was you know and it and it's a funny and I'd done it before and it's a funny joke and the people there laugh but Ben Stein went well you know that Arnold has given a lot of money to just shut up

Come on. You know why we're here. Yes. I said, do you think, I said, Arnold, why don't you call him tonight and tell him I said the joke? Okay? Yeah. You know, what is the matter with you, Ben? Jeez. And he's a comedy guy. He should get that. Yeah, but not. And if anyone shouldn't trust him, it's his wife. I mean, that's, you know. All of them. All of them. Yeah. Yeah.

It is amazing how articulate Arnold could be where you'd watch him and he's giving these, he gave that speech about the night of the broken glasses and you're like, wow, he's so articulate and interesting. And then he's just grabbing asses as they walk by. I mean, it's really an amazing. It's unbelievable. He's a charming guy. Pumping iron was awesome. Movie star. Pumping iron was awesome.

He's an A-list movie star. He's like, they know how to charm you. He'll be back. But yeah, Jon Stewart said the same thing. He was on, I think, Tucker Carlson. This is 10, 12, 15 years ago. And they were like,

What the hell, John? He's like, I go on after puppets. You know, I'm a comedy guy. It's a jokey show. But everybody now feels the need to have an opinion. Yeah. Really. An opinion is easier than writing a punchline. You get more retweets being like, this is an outrage than just writing an observational joke. Exactly. Seriously? I think so. That's the tough, I mean, because I find it.

I find it, I always get irritated when I get, which happens because I get, I've been up there and I'm like bellowing like a lunatic and I don't really have a punchline. I'm still trying to find the bit. And I'll finish and they all go, you know. Yeah.

And you go, no, no, no. And all it reminds me of, yeah, you got to find out. I got to fucking think about this again. I got to find a lab somewhere. I know. If they applaud at the end of a series of punchlines, it's like an acknowledgement they like the bit. That's fine. But if they applaud just because they agree, you're like, who gives a shit? Clapped her. Yeah. Clapped her.

Yeah, it's a very, it's true. It's weird. It's weird. It's more of an agreeance show than a comedy show. It's weird when they do it and you'll be in New York City and some guy's like, I think gays should be allowed to get married. You're like, yeah, it's Manhattan, dude. Yeah, right? This isn't an edgy take. No, no. You see anything like a pro Roe v. Wade, you better have a fucking good punchline if you're doing that in the West Village. Yeah, tell me why you don't think gays should get married.

Now we're listening. Now that's comedy. Like, I want to hear that take. Yeah, really. And there's six good jokes there. There are. I mean, I forget who it was. It was the first time I, you know, the first one who did the joke. And there were probably 10 people in the country during the, you know, that said, you know, the gay thing is like, you know, really let him get married. Right. You want to suffer? Fuck.

Let them get married. They don't know what suffering is. They have no idea. Exactly. This is what they wanted. You know, there's 500 variations. Of course. Fran Lebowitz said that in her book. She was like, you guys want to, gays want to get in the military and get married? What the fuck are we doing? Yeah. And it's really, I mean, it's sitting there. That's...

that's where you go and then you might go further with it yeah but then there's people with no sense of humor going wait so you don't think you're homophobic you're like wait how'd you get a homophobic i'm trying to get a rise out of you yeah i know i and i get i have to now but i go right now but i mean part of it is is basically punching both sides yeah it's like you're kind of going okay you left the idiots over there and then i'm punching over here to the right and then i gotta punch the left

You know, because that woke shit is, I mean, it's madness. It's kooky. It's exactly, you know, they meet right, they don't have any clue that they meet right here. It is bad for comedy. I mean, it really is bad. I believe it'll pass. It'll pass. It'll pass. But you guys are getting fucked.

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Hell yeah. Who you are. I mean, it really is. It's bullshit. Well, we push through, but it's just like a gnat where you're like, all right, come on, get out of the way. It is cool to see live comedy now more than ever because it does have almost like a prohibition effect.

Right. Where you're in the club and you're like, this is the place we can say it. You know, I was doing these jokes about the queen in Louisville and they're killing. And I'm like, I can't say this shit on any show. Yeah. No show will let me say these jokes. Right. But in a club, they were loving them too much to the point where I'm like, all right, guys. I mean, she is dead. Go easy on her. It's funny, isn't it?

They're like, fuck that bitch. I'm like, bitch, you're dead. Bitch, yeah. Where'd you get bitch? They were getting pretty mad. I'm like, I mean... But this is why comedy is so popular right now. Live comedy is... We are in a huge boom because I think...

It's like the Jimmy Fallons of the world. I was on Fallon recently and my best joke got cut because it involved Amber Heard or something like that. I can't remember what I said. Or it involved Biden or something. And they're like, ah, we don't know. And you're like, oh, so you're out on comedy. We're more concerned with being likable than funny. Yes. Death to funny. Death to smoochy. I mean, I did The Daily Show yesterday and I had a great time. My best laugh got cut. And I'm like...

You were scared to put this in there and it killed for your crowd. I know. You did it what? I did it yesterday. Oh, you did it? Yeah. Oh, wow. And my best joke got cut. No shit. That's the state of the industry today. That's why it's all going online. I'm sure they were like, we don't want to deal with the pushback. Sure. But it wasn't a malicious joke. But I can tell that they were nervous. What was the joke? The joke was, okay. Let's see.

We'll cut this later. And I'll be sure to cut it before I send it out to my social media people. They could have been nicer when I was there, and I want to preface it. I don't know who cut it or why they cut it, but I said we were doing a bunch of talk about trans jokes, and I had a joke go viral with the trans world for being a pro-trans joke. So that's, I think, why it caught people's attention.

steam because you know yeah there aren't a lot of pro trans jokes out there so then i had a thing where this blogger came after like all these people like this is our guy and i was kind of like slow down i don't want to be your guy whatever and i'm i'm just nervous i don't want any responsibility i'm just a comic you know and

This one blogger who tried to ruin my career in 2013 basically said he made this horrible joke in 2013. He's a bad person. I shit you not, she's now a man. Look at that. And I said, you were a woman in 2013. It's not possible that I'm a better man. Yeah.

They got an applause break on the show and they cut it. And I was kind of like, oh man, that was my biggest pop of the show. So it was a bummer. But I don't know the reasons they cut these things. Were you doing stand-up? I wasn't.

I wasn't doing stand-up. It was an interview. Oh, wow. Oh, that's great. And Trevor couldn't have been nicer and more gracious, and I don't know why the joke was cut. Oh, good. I didn't know. That's great. Yeah, it's on YouTube. Check it out. No, I will. I'll watch it. That's great. But that joke got cut. Yeah.

That's a fucking funny joke. That's weird. That's my issue. That's my fear with kind of the wokeness and the words. It's not based on fact. But they yelled at him about stuff. That's why. I'm sure he gets plenty of time. They do. I mean, I've watched him yell about stuff. Yeah. And I've been there. I bet it wasn't him. I bet it talked to him. I bet it wasn't him who did it. And it could have been Comedy Central. Of course. I would imagine. But I'm sure they didn't want to deal with it.

That's all it is. No, I'm sure it was Comedy Central because it's just so because Trevor's been caught on certain things where you're not caught. He is one of the most supportive of comics that I've ever met. Yeah, he's a real comic. He's a great dude. Yeah, no, he gets it. I don't think it was him. No. No, I can't imagine. I think it was some scared producer who was like, I don't want to deal with this shit. And it wouldn't be a producer there. It's somebody at Comedy Central because they will step in and do their thing.

You know, look at it. It's the... We got, you know, it's... That's it. It's that. And nothing... There's hardly anything on this fucking station. I know. I know. But they don't realize that that's the reason that it's failing. Like, look at the Emmys this year. It was, like, the lowest rated ever. Jimmy Kimmel does some, you know, bullshit joke. It was very innocuous. And he got called a racist and a Klan member and all this. And you're like...

This is why no one's watching. We're just done with it. - The problem is these shows already seem out of touch and then you throw that on top of it, they're dead. Of course they wanna watch a podcast where nothing's cut, it's just people talking. Of course that's the popularity of podcasts. And I still like the idea of shows where you do an interview for a crowd 'cause you have to turn it on, you have to be funny. - The lights, the camera, it's fun. - I love that. - Showbiz.

That's a good one. And Trevor is easier, I think, probably to have done it with. He didn't do it. It wasn't a lot of set up joke stuff, was there? No, it was just a conversation. Exactly. Because that's what drives me nuts when I do those things is that.

Now we're going to go over what you do. What? You can just say Byron Allen. Can't we just talk? Yeah, I know, right? I don't understand it. When I literally was a kid, that's what they did. There were people like on certain shows, Jack Parr, which is legendary way back. Yeah.

He'd have somebody on the show literally in the course of a year a hundred times. Wow. And they were on the show for specifically the person, for what you're talking about and what you guys do here. They were on the show for conversation's sake. Yeah. I watched an old Tom Snyder interview with Jerry Seinfeld, and Tom Snyder is such a great interviewer. It was so different than what you see. It was almost more like a podcast than a show.

than a show. It was pretty cool. And the one thing I did like was when Ferguson was on. We got along immediately really well. So the second time I came on, he literally took the card and put it in front of me and ripped it. And then he just started talking. And what you found out in those conversations is much more interesting. Of course. Than...

I don't want to sit there and go, you know, and I was in the movie with two weasels and it was really, it's going to be spectacular. And I love the weasels. Fuck you. He would, we were talking about living in the East Village, then got down to the specific bar we would go to, then realized we were both at

at the same fucking bar at the same fucking time. - Wow. - And he was raging. This is when he had really made the switch. He wasn't gonna drink anymore. This is when I said I was going into high gear. And so we were at the same bar. And then sit there and discovered that we're in the same neighborhood at the same time.

Unbelievable. And drinking at the same bar and didn't see each other because that's how fucking drunk we are. Wow. You can't beat that. No, no. Yeah, we met at Epstein's. So, yeah, coincidence. But, yeah, that's the way to do it. Real conversation. And that's why TV kind of feels like it's fizzling out a little bit. But you were on like a golden age. Like that Daily Show lineup you were on is epic. I mean, that was like, it was you...

Corral. Yeah. Colbert. Colbert, yeah. Who else was on it? Was that Helms on that one, too? Helms came on later. Wow. After Corral left. Was the Tell on when you were there? Huh? Was Dave Attell on when you were there? Dave Attell. Everyone. Because they were all on. Because I was on from the very... I was on from the first week. Wow. Wow. I'm the longest. I'm the Andy Bruni of that fucking thing. Just in terms of longevity, I just...

you know and i i went to everybody i mean being there and when corell and colbert and me oh the best remember beth beth littleford yeah she was yep she was our wyatt i was terrific jason and uh but corell and colbert was in asif was he was terrific uh i um the the uh vance the generous who then ended up having to work with

He ended up working with his sister again. Oh, fun. A. Whitney Brown was at the time really something. Uh-huh. He's somebody who was really one of those guys who came on and then he kind of disappeared after that. Yeah. He's very Hassan. Yeah, it was a great group. But Colbert and Carell. Unreal. I mean, I'd be there about once every two weeks and then...

And you just watched the two of them, and it was like fucking, are you kidding me? They're brilliant. Yeah, that was. Just brilliant. Comedy Central was banging. And that was before they were considered brilliant. Right, right. Yeah, they had to earn it. Yeah. Yeah, you had that. You had South Park. Comedy Central was really humming back then. I mean, they still have South Park, and they still have The Daily Show. What?

But these other shows, they're supporting it too. I mean, I remember Root of All Evil, the show you hosted. Oh, yeah. I loved it because we were big Greg Giraldo fans. Oh, yeah. That cast of comics we had on that show is Giraldo, Patton Oswalt, Kathleen Madigan. Wow. Paul F. Tompkins. Yeah, Tompkins. It was just a great group of comics.

And you'll love this story. This is perfect. This will help you when you're sitting in Los Angeles wondering who you're going to find to hold the sword that you can run against. So they call. We had done basically two seasons, and we had finally figured out the show. And I had figured out that I was never going in the writer's room again and made a speech about it and said that's...

It's going to be best for me and best for you. You guys are really great. We're not going to be, as far as I'm concerned, bringing in comics. You talk to them from the beginning and punch up their stuff. This is not brain surgery. I'm tired of fucking nitpicking about this shit. Everything you write, they will get a laugh. These are the best fucking comics you can find. Andy Kindler. Yes. We had a spectacular group. It's like there's no need for this.

So we had every... We finally had figured out how to do it because the setup was kind of odd, the way in which we were trying to do this. It's debating two things. It was an odd something that we had to figure out in terms of the math of it, the math of the comedy of it. And we'd done it. Yeah. And then we get a call from Comedy Central going, you know, we really... We want to do another season with you, but could you come back in and...

pitch it again. We've done two seasons. I went, I'm not... It's like when the Yankees tried to make Joe Torre take a pay cut mid-contract. Remember that? That's insane. Yeah. So I just said, I'm not doing it. And then my two other producers, well, I said, you go in and talk. I'm not doing it. I'm not going in there. That's so disrespectful. We've been on for two seasons. They put us on in the summer.

And I said, that was a mistake. That's why the numbers sucked. Well, they sucked because it was the summer. And the people watching it were the kids who were in college who they would get around and they'd go, fuck, we were the show to watch on that night, you fucking morons. So it's not like, you know, we were like Wednesday or Thursday. You know, we were on, I don't think on a Friday or a Saturday. It was like a perfect shot, you know. We have to go on again. The numbers will go up. And I said, no.

You fucking assholes. You're going to fuck me. Yeah. And I'm not going to let you fuck me. Good for you because I would have just been like, all right, I guess we have to pitch this again. I couldn't have pitched it again. Wow. I literally, by about the fourth time they were, by the second, third week they were giving notes, I just told the other two producers who were really good.

I said, I can't listen to them. I can't listen to their notes. I'm not going to be here. I said, it's just crazy. You expect if you're on cable to not get those notes. Yeah. Especially after, you know, HBO had established the fact that you might want to let your creatives do it and figure it out. Yeah, exactly. Well, that'll never be a, not a thing. You know, which is why, you know, you guys, here's what, here's what you guys really need is a director. Yeah.

Seems like nothing great creatively comes from committee. Mm-mm. Let alone suits in a boardroom. The smaller the group, the better it is. Oh, yeah. Mob is when it gets fucking bad. Yep.

That's true. Every hang is better. This is perfect. We add another person, it's going to get worse. Yeah. Maybe four is okay, but once you get bigger than four. Once you get bigger than four. That was generally the case. I mean, that was the thing with Tough Crowd. Another good show. Yeah. Classic. Bill Byrne, there'd be four or five of us on that. And their regular group. But having Geraldo on that show was spectacular. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There was just nobody like him. No, smart and biting. He did his homework, always prepared. And also the master of coming up with substitutes for dirty words. Oh, really? He was brilliant. Interesting. He was insane. Yeah? Oh, I mean, literally, they would say, you can't say queef.

Well, all right. I'm out. That's where I draw the line. You can't say this. And so he would go back, and two days later he'd come up with some fucking other particular... Vaginal fart. Yeah, that's good. Sometimes that makes it a better joke. Yeah, that was really... Vag-woosh. Yeah.

Yeah, tough crowd with Greg was like, when he got cooking, man, I mean, everyone talks about that Dennis Leary moment. I mean, it was like the ultimate comic versus kind of celeb. And I was like, oh, man, it's like justice for all comics. And not just comics, but like the guy who thinks he's too cool for school. And then the guy who actually is cool and doesn't have to fucking act cool because he just is. Yeah, Leary's literally wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket.

In front of comics, it's like, you need to hang out with more comics. Yeah. Because they'll fucking crucify you for that shit. You show up to the comedy cellar with the slightest fashion risk. Oh, I know that Keith Robinson's going to be like, oh, look at what we have here. I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah.

I thought I could pull off a jean jacket. I fucked up. I still have that at the Gap. I'm trying something on, and I'm like, I just can't. I picture people shooting on it. I take it right off. Rachel Feinstein showed up one night in a blazer, and he's like, oh, the assistant DA is here. Yeah, you have court today. Yeah, there's a million picture day. Oh, yeah. I got a convertible. I ran out of car last weekend, and they upgraded me to a convertible. Couldn't put the top down. I just couldn't do it. I was like, ah, I can't put a top.

down. I'm too vulnerable. I'm not a cool guy. So yeah, left it up. I started wearing, I made the fashion choice to wear not in New York, but a bit in New York even early on, but really on the road I started wearing suits. Not suits, but a coat and a tie. And generally the tie was kind of the way it is on the Daily Show. I really would not, the tie, that was a thing that I always believed in. You don't bring it up. It's like you're

because if you it's to me it was the way i wore it when i was working in a government office right it was the one it was the way in which i could wear that i had to wear a tie and it had to be knotted but i wouldn't you i'm not taking it the whole way up so i would but i would wear the i would try to look nicer than anybody in the room because i knew it might shut them the up because they'd be stuck trying to figure out where

He's saying this shit, but where did he get that? How do you get those clothes? Right. Saying that crap. So in a sense, it was like, yeah, you see, I'm doing okay, you fuck. Right. I'm a professional. And also, and I initially would talk about it, I'd say, you know, you wear a coat and tie, you can say anything you fucking want. And that's why you listen to these assholes who come on TV who are like your senator and shit. Yeah. Because they're wearing a tie. Yeah.

That's why I'm wearing a tie. Yeah.

It's very smart. I mean, it really is. But it is, I mean, the dry cleaning, which has drive me crazy. Oh, yeah, but that's, it's a small price to pay. And you don't have to think about what you're wearing. Just throw the suit on and move on with your life. A suit does look badass on stage. It does. Yeah, and it was really, the biggest pain in the ass was never dry cleaning. It was dragging those fucking things around. Because you wanted to, you had to have at least a couple of sport coats. Right. God damn it. But,

A suit is nice, but a wrinkly suit is worse than a t-shirt. Yes. It brings you all the way down. Yeah. Yeah, you look like you're one of the losers in Glen Gary Glen Ross. Coffee's for closers. So I've just rewatched that movie over the summer. It's fucking incredible. It's a great movie. So good. Bam it. Yeah. He's an asshole, but... Do you know him? I was... I wrote plays. I know. It was in Yale, right? Yeah, drama school. Yeah. Whoa.

I call it drama school. So you knew him a little bit. He was a tutor there, a mentor. Oh, wow. He was not a mentor, but he was hired. They had four playwrights that they brought in.

that were basically to work with the the uh the playwrights at the school and one of them was david mamet and he was just an yeah and he was my age so it was really it was like you're sending in a guy my age to tell me and he would say to us this is you know you know in order and he was right but you know you don't tell us this we're really there to kind of learn how to write so

You know, in order to get your work done, you need to spend at least $2,000 a year sending out your scripts. Jesus. And that's where we're fucking broke. Yeah. It costs us a fucking fortune to come to this fucking place. And where are we supposed to put the money together? Yeah. And then he would quote Russian. Oh, boy. And he would... And so my girlfriend at the time said, do you speak Russian? And he goes...

No. She goes, well, you're an ass. Yeah. Damn. He was kind of a dick. And it was this very kind of, there was an arrogance to him dealing with us. Here's your reading list. Well, we don't have to read the books. Okay. It was kind of like. What did he want you to read? You're going to go. Boleslavsky. You heard of Boleslavsky? Yeah.

Stanislavski, he's in the same school as Stanislavski. Okay. There's both of these books on acting. Ah. You know. Oh, that's like a method, right? Yeah. Yeah, right. You know, it's the way in which to go at it. And I can't remember what Stanislavski was so fucking, I was so angry that it was on the reading list. And my friend tore, my other friend tore the reading list up in his face. It was like, we were really pissed. Yeah. You know, it was just, and the other guys were pretty, you know,

I'm going to read you stuff. He read his stuff. Right. We're supposed to read our stuff. He's reading his stuff to us. That's all I got to say. That really cuts to the chase. Edit those other two. Who was cool? Like, did any big playwrights come in that were really cool? Nobody that you would know. Arthur Coppett, who you wouldn't know, but who wrote some really great... Oh, Dad, poor Dad. Mama's hung in the closet and I'm feeling so sad. Tidal Alone, great. Yeah, sure. And then there's...

The other guys, I don't think Bob Oletti, you wouldn't know, you wouldn't know some of the others. They were really... Robert Penn Warren was there, the one who wrote All the King's Men, but not to teach playwriting, but he was...

So old. It was just, you're going, God, Robert Ben Warren, this will be great. Yeah. One of my great books, one of the greatest books. And you went to that first kind of seminar he's teaching. You're going, oh, boy, I'm not going to last 10 minutes. What's he saying? I mean, he's really genius, but you really had to care a lot more than I did. Yeah. Well, isn't comedy so much...

More fun than playwriting? Oh, yeah. You know what's funny? It's people, you know, comedy is tough. Playwriting is tougher. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, the isolation's got to be tough, right? Everything about it. I mean, think about it. You know, we create our own realities up there.

it's just us and we can you know we're and there's a certain bit of uh you know you learn there's a certain bit of like not magic magic but there's a certain bit of to the thing that you once you kind of that you could live on certain comics do oh yeah but at least what you're you know the or the the tools you turn to to save your ass yeah but playwriting jesus you know because if you think they come after you as a comic you you write something then really

Oh, fuck you. I didn't know that. Imagine, you know, you go there, you write something, and then it ends up, they write about it in the New York Times and say that you're a piece of shit. Wow. But it's a play. It's fiction. Yeah, but they don't care. That crowd is more easily offended than the comedy club. Who do you think is going to get more easily offended? A writer for the New Yorker or some guy at a strip mall in Missouri? Yeah. But you devoted three years of your life to something, and they come in and say, you know...

It didn't work. Right. That's the other. It's not just, you know, it's one thing to go into a club and they don't laugh. It's another thing that somebody writes down, everybody hated you. Right. Everybody hated you is a good title. Yeah, that's true.

My favorite was, I got a review in something called New West, which was the New York magazine of the west coast of California. So New West had this thing where they wanted to, they reviewed a play of mine, and it was not a good production at all. There were real problems with it, and...

I, like, tried to get... Early on, tried to get one of the actors just fired because it was going to kill the play. It was the center of the play. It was... I needed...

I needed Broderick Crawford in the part. I needed some fucking mean heavy, and I got like some fucking... The guy wanted to be liked. Right. No, I can't. You can't stand on stage with a rifle in your hand doing stuff and talking about being nice about fucking you. I need you to blow people up. So the thing didn't... It just didn't work. But the review I got was that it began with...

First, let it be noted that none of Louis Black's plays should ever be produced in the state of California again. Wow. Kicked out of the state. Kicked out of the state. Jesus. And by that point, I'd been through enough stuff.

that I could handle it a bit. And one of the reasons I could handle it was that if I got this guy so upset, I'm doing something right. Yeah, that's true. And it was the one thing about it. Plus, you got people... It's the same thing if you're going in to pitch a project.

and you got somebody sitting across from the table from you that has never done what you do yeah and that's what you're dealing with a lot of the times of these critics who you you know who who also they they don't you know if they know anything about you know they should be able to separate the acting from the writing from the directing that's what their job is but it never they never know i don't never know it like we know it yeah yeah but what a psycho to write that down and publish it that's

What's the name of the guy in The Sweet Smell of Success? Every critic still thinks they're that fucking guy. They still think, like, I'll destroy you in my column. And you're like, it's 2022, dude. Yeah, right? You don't have the pull you thought you had. Yes. And now I can find you. It is amazing to see.

Fuck that guy. That's like so harsh. I hate this guy. They can hide behind their little pen and their magazine and their newspaper. Now, I'm going right on Facebook and Zillow and on GPS. And I did a show with Mark Lynn Baker at the Public Theater that both of us, the audience went nuts every night. It was a short show. It was 55 minutes. And it's one of those shows I described as you're home for three hours before you realize you didn't like it.

Because it's so short, we didn't take up your time. And you're in the bar by nine. Yes. Best show ever. That's great. And is theater dead? Not dead, but now it's all Mamma Mia. Well, Broadway's in trouble because of COVID. I mean, COVID. Broadway's got problems. There's some real, there's stuff, it's like stand-up. There's some really great stuff that's fomenting, it's over here, and then there's some just, you know, we're going to be dealing with.

Phantom is finally finished. And Dear Evan Hansen, which was kind of shocking because that was a hit. That was like the hottest ticket in town a couple years ago, and now it's just dead. But if you go to Strange Loop, it's unbelievable. I'm going to just say it. It is un-fucking-lievable. Okay. Strange Loop. It's a musical. Is that your rec? That's a good rec. Good rec. I mean, it is. It's one of these things that it got. I think it won the Tony Award.

He got it for best... I think it's the way Hamilton is great and it's really remarkable. This one is also that good, but it's good in the sense of this guy gets so much off of his chest. The two of you, I think, will go nuts. I think you'll get a kick out of it because he just... He really goes after like

you know, this thing where we go through our careers and get the shit kicked out of us. Yeah. And he goes through every moment of it and does some of it musically. Right. And his parents really are, and he's, you know, he's gay and he's overweight. Hmm.

and it brings in all those problems, but it's done really blisteringly funny. It's unbelievable. Oh, wow. All right. It's one of the few things that I've said to people, you know, go to it, and they've liked it. And Ari, let's get something straight right now, those of you who are listening.

If this is the kind of thing you're going to go, it upset me. If you get upset about shit, you don't go. Yeah. Don't go anywhere. Yeah. Stay home. Close the blinds. Really. Turn your phone off. Run into a sword. Yeah. And I normally do not push anything, but that's well worth the time and energy and effort. All right. Good rec. I love it. Wait a minute. I'll stop. Go back down. I just want to read that up a little. Right there.

Strange Loop is the big, black, and queer-ass great American musical for all. That's a hell of a review. This guy did not write your review. Let's do it. No, he didn't. But it is worth it. And he is really funny. All right.

And relentless. Oh, good. It's one of those things you go, it's that thing where you kind of go where somebody does five toppers and he does like 12 toppers in a song. You go, God, he's got to stop now. Yeah. And you're really laughing and he doesn't stop. And it's partly because it's so bitter. And I think you guys enjoy that. Yes. Hell yeah. It's really something. I want to feel something. All right. Bring it on. Lewis, do you have any pet peeves?

Is there something I'm supposed to like? I like this musical. As you can see, I like this musical because this guy is so fucking angry, can't see straight. I got a lot of things that bother me. If they don't stop taking this fucking...

And it's everybody. And it bothers everybody. And it just has got to stop. You pay for somebody to be on the phone and answer the phone and direct you to who to talk to next. Oh, yeah. And you don't have a machine that goes, what is your problem? Is it A? Fuck you. My problem isn't A, B, or C. My problem isn't, is it something technical? Yes. Yeah.

explain it in just a few words. I can't explain it. That's the worst. You fucking asshole. Yeah, because press one, at least we're getting somewhere. This is now very vague where I'm just speaking. I always curse into it too and I wonder if cursing, they have like some robot sensor that pushes you further back on hold. Oh, maybe. They can be like, this guy sucks. Put them back. I've had that paranoia but I don't care anymore. Yeah. I'd rather be back there. Because what I find is if I continue to yell eventually it goes away.

it kind of can't deal with you and it sends you to somebody. Squeaky wheel. Yeah. Because the zero doesn't work. No, that used to be the move. The operator, the zero, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, that was the move. That used to be the move. Gone. Yeah, they got hip to that.

I always wonder if a celebrity has ever called in to yell at customer service like a musician and then their song comes on when they're on hold. Oh, wow. I've always wondered. That's got to have happened at some point. I don't think Springsteen is doing his own customer service. You don't think Stevie Nicks is on the phone with Orbitz? All right.

Yeah, that drives me nuts. There's a lot that really makes me crazy. That's a good one. It's gotten to the point with a lot of things where it's kind of like... Stupid makes me... There ought to be, and it has to be done, whether we like it or not, and I know this is a stupid thing, but it's true. You have to teach civics, whether anybody likes it or not. You have to actually teach...

Did you ever have to take civics? I did, yeah. Did you? No. See? Yeah. And that explains a lot of your work.

Louis Black, everybody. Thank you. Is there a... I want to ask... Well, first off, is there anything you want to plug? Is there anything like tour dates? You've got Indiana coming up. I've got... If you go to louisblack.com, it can tell you more, but I'll be in... This week, it's Warren and Dayton and...

Carmel, Indiana. Fort Wayne, Indiana. Then we go to Albuquerque and Tucson. And then we go to Phoenix. And then we're coming into Riverside.

Fuck you, closed. And then it's San Luis Obispo. Very nice. It's one of the few places they didn't allow you to smoke outside early on. God, did that enrage me. Talk about being a peeve. And then San Francisco and Palm Desert, 3,000 degrees. San Diego, Los Angeles, Eugene. All right, you are out there. Yeah, I'm going to be doing that. I don't get back until... The other thing I'd like to plug, which is you guys like...

Did you ever read Vonnegut?

Yeah, of course. Well, you wonder. I mean, you know, but most people do. But it seems to be as nuts as you do. But most people do. Yeah. And but there's a Vonnegut Museum now in a library in in in Indianapolis, Indiana. Oh, nice. And due to circumstances that seem to be problematic for them, they I'm there. The chairman of the board of their

No way. Yeah, I am. That's amazing. That is really cool. It is. I said, are you sure? Yes. Yes, we're sure. Are you really sure? Yes, we really want. Look, I'm just telling you, you have to sign something, since I don't know what I'm doing, that I can't go to jail. Because I really don't know what's up. But it was mainly to help them fundraise. And I said, if you really think I'm.

can attract money, great, because it's a great, when you're out there working, it's great. I'm down. It's really good. It's got stuff that he wrote. It's all sorts of things that really are interesting. And there's a letter that's worth seeing just from the standpoint. There's a letter sitting there that he wrote to his father. His father wrote to him either, I think, just before he went to war,

or during that time frame. And Vonnegut never opened it, and in his will, he said he wanted no one to open it. And it just sits there. That's worth going to the museum for. Because you never walk out of the museum thinking, what the fuck was that? You know, and there's some really great stuff there, and they do some great work. It's banned book. Is it downtown Indianapolis? It's downtown Indianapolis? Yeah. Wow. All right. And it's banned books week, and

Slaughterhouse-Five has been banned in a ton of places recently. Really? Crazy. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. By the way, whenever you say a book is banned, that is reason to read it. I mean, it's like when they said you can't read Maus.

Oh, yeah. You can't read about the fucking Holocaust? Yeah, I know. That is like, that's a level way from Holocaust denial. There's a nude cartoon. Yeah, a nude fucking mouse. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't a mouse. Was it a mouse? Yeah, I think it was a mouse. It was a naked mouse. Some people just don't like fiction. But it's well worth the,

But it really is unbelievable. I'll definitely check it out next time. Now, finally, I won't be dreading Indianapolis as much. No, it's worth the... And if you go, let me know, because I've got some suck there, man. I can get you two free lattes. By the way, we're drinking coconut. We didn't even say we're drinking this week. Coconut milk latte. Never had it. Pretty good. It's not bad.

It's not a bad... I just wanted it because I fucking... I can't drink in the... I drink wine normally and I can't drink in the afternoons. Oh, that Epstein wine. Yeah, phenomenal. Next time we'll get you some really good wine. We'll do this at night. We'll make it a night up. If we do it at night, I'll do it. And the other thing I wanted to say before I left was that I don't know if you knew that they...

the thing we were going to talk about at the beginning that I got these emails. We did a new t-shirt. Oh, I did hear about this. Yes, yes. And there's the t-shirt. Yeah, I got a similar t-shirt. And yours has an exclamation point. Yeah, yeah. Mine's more fun. It is. Comedy. It is. And mine's more dry. Fuck you.

And the E is actually turned around the other way. I don't know why it's presented like that. Okay. And I wanted you to know, because I got these three emails about it. I mean, three tweets about it.

And one guy had said, you fucking old man, fuck. You steal this guy. You've got nothing left but to steal some really brilliant young comics. Fucking T-shirt idea. And I just wanted you to know we would not have thought of it. Great lines. And I'm sorry I wrote that to you. And I really feel badly. And I'll get you two of those if you want.

We should wear those. We'll swap. Yeah, we'll swap. I love it. We really should, because then I'd wear yours. Because it's really ludicrous. But we're going to stop selling it online. Oh, good. And yours are five cents cheaper than mine, you son of a bitch.

Damn. That's like, remember that Tom Green sketch where he would follow around undercutters pizza? Yeah. A guy would be, he'd follow a pizza delivery guy around with his own pizza and he would try to undercut and he'd say, what toppings do you have? He'd pull out all the toppings and he would just charge like five bucks less. It's a great gag. Yeah.

I also have Queef. Nice. And there's comedy. I almost sold the Against Baby race. You have it in black and white, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Sorry to tell you. Demetri Martin wore comedy on his special with the no exclamation and no period. So we're all in the same ballpark. Who did? Demetri Martin. Has comedy on his? Yeah, but he just wore it on a special. It's not his merch, I don't think. I bet it is. That son of a bitch. I know him, too.

He's always like that sneaking around. Yeah, he's a slippery one, that Greek. He was also on the Daily Show, too. Oh, that's right. You've got to get him on here. Yeah, you should. He's terrific. Big fan. He's coming on? Oh, great. Yeah, he's great. He is really, really good. Brilliant guy.

But we're going to stop selling it because I felt badly about it. No, you can sell it. Are you sure? I don't want to. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you got the period. I got the exclamation. We're different. I feel like it is. I feel like and I think we approach the whole bullshit differently. Yeah, yeah. I hawk mine after the show personally. Do you? No, I actually we have not been selling stuff.

We're going to start again. Well, let's... Let's all start. All right. I'll get you one of these. Please. I have a shirt I'm thinking of selling. I'm worried people aren't going to wear it. It's the... I have a joke in my special about how people wear shirts that say, like, fuck racism. And I'm just like, all right. Like, do we have to wear obvious beliefs on the shirt? So the joke is basically like...

I'm gonna wear a shirt. This is against baby rape and people like why you wearing that I say are you for baby? I want to make a shirt Do we have a picture of it man? Because now people are just selling it now people make money I posted a graphic of it saying should I sell this and now I'm getting people all sending me Other people are selling your idea. Look CSM again. You gotta get on that. No, can you pull it up?

Yeah, look at that. That's my graphic. And they're making money off it. That's great. Would people wear that? I would wear that. You'd wear it against baby rapes and all that shit? Hell yeah.

Look, if it's there, they'll wear it. My mom saw it. It's also the picture is what makes it. Yeah, it's good art. My mom saw it and she said, I'm so ashamed of you for this. And I was just, I think I'm going to call my next tour the jokes that upset my mother tour. And that upset her. I told that to her and that upset her. And I was like, I got to do it now. You got to do it. But against baby rape, that is, you know, it's funny. It's a good cause. It's a cause I care about very deeply. Now, elderly rape, I'm for. Yeah, cause it.

But, yeah. Or, yeah, you could put at the bottom in case they were whining a cause to care about. You fuck. Remember, that was a big thing on, like, a bumper sticker. It'd say, like, if you have any comments, here's the number 1-800-FUCK-YOU. That was a fun gag back in 88. You know, when you had no internet and you had to just stare at a bumper sticker for entertainment. But, hey, in the words of Kurt Vonnegut...

Make no mistake, we're all just here to fart around. Mark, where are you going to be, man? I'm all over the place. I don't know when this comes out. Probably the week after next, right? Royal Oak. Royal Oak, great. Yeah, I love Royal Oak. Yep. Music theater, Roxanne Theater in Pittsburgh, Orlando Improv, the Anglert.

Rococo in Lincoln, Nebraska. The Rococo's great. Oh, really? I played there a million years ago. Wow. Pantages in Minneapolis. Perfect. More in Seattle just added. Revolution in Portland. Neptune in Seattle. The Vogue in Vancouver. MartinRoman.com doing the Wilbur. A lot of fun stuff.

Omaha, Funny Bone, Stand Up Live, Lexington, Kentucky, New Brunswick, Oklahoma City, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. Building up new material here. Watch the special on Netflix same time tomorrow and buy our whiskey. Yes. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Is that your whiskey? It's ours. Yeah. Nice. Take a bottle. Yeah. Do you drink whiskey at all? Yeah. Oh, it's right. Take a bottle. Yeah. It's good stuff. It's good stuff.

All right. Well, thanks, Lou. Thanks for listening. You're the man. That was great, guys. That was fun. Thank you. I had a great time. Sunday's the day for my next extender in the same way. I'm out to lunch here at noon. This woman does what I remember.