Ep 94: Rick Glassman & Paper Plane
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All right, you get out of the way. You want me to do a walk-in? Yeah, please. All right. Christopher. You can keep this in. People see a little behind the scenes. They get excited. See, he's going to take over. Also, I'm not sure what type of music you want. I could give you some music, but it might be cool if we do like a hip-hop, maybe black and white. If you could like do this shit, we could do it in digital. Oh, yeah, that's cool. And then I think it might be good if I... I don't know what's going on, but I trust that it's all going to come together. Yes. It's an athlete. Yeah.

Microphone.

The OCD leaves you for comedy's sake? Truly. Truly. So I stopped doing stand-up for a couple years during the Holocaust. Yeah. And I started back up again in January. And I was always wiping the mics. And it made me talk about OCD, which I didn't want to. And one day I decided I'm just going to do it. And I grabbed the mic. And I was just like, I'm fine. I'm still, you know, difficult. But it bits fucking... Oh, they're flowing in? Bits over...

Emotional, obsessive responses. Good for you. Well, you're a creative guy. Let the juices flow. And you're a germaphobe. Don't say that to my ex-wife. Wait a minute. Do it again. I'm going to walk in. All right.

No, we have a good time. We have a good time. It's fun. This outfit is very 90s. I think the 90s are coming back. My lady is dressing 90s. He had a push for White Man Can't Jump. I think you should have been cast as the Woody Harrelson lead. I appreciate that. No. In White Man Can't Jump. What are you kidding? He can hoop, dude. Really? We'll cut to a clip. Fuck. Fuck. My bad. Okay. Have you guys hooped together? We haven't. My neck's been bad, but I'll be ready for you, dude.

Ready for me? This would be. If we hoop, you have to be ready for me? This is big. Well, maybe we'll be on the team, the same team here. Drunk versus shoes off. This is a league. This is epic. He'll take me. He'll take me easily. You think? Oh, yeah, dude. Come on, Manhattanite. Yeah. B-baller. He'll take me. We've never met outside of a podcast, so we only know each other on camera, so you may think this is me being hyperbolic. Okay. I am so good at basketball. Really? That you'd be like, why did you pick comedy? And it's going to be corny. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Say it. I should say it.

I should say it. All right, say it. No, maybe. You know what? I want to hear it. You can't leave the song. Comedy picked me. Oh, comedy picked you. Wow. That's beautiful. Well, White Man Can't Jump is basketball and entertainment coming together. I was rooting for you to get the part. We were together when you told me you were up for the part. Well, auditioning. I don't know if I was up for it.

That's up. At the point. But at this time, yeah. Now, Blake even told me, friends of Blake Griffin. Whoa. And he told me that people won't believe that I can't dunk. So it doesn't make sense. Oh, do you 6'3"? Today, yeah. Uh-huh. I'm 6'3". I cannot come close to dunking. Really? No.

No hops. Yeah. I'm below the rim. I'm like a Z-Bo. You could touch the rim. Yeah, yeah. Okay. You could touch the rim. I can get the net. Yeah? Oh, yeah. With a boost. That's good. You should put that on reels or shorts. Do you guys more shorts or reels? What do you think is better for careers? I'm short. I'm both.

I do both. And TikTok. Remember those shoes they used to make? Pull these up, Matt. Yeah, the strength shoes. I had them. The ones that you put on, they were like this tall? Yes. Oh, they helped you jump. Moon boots. There's one. I think they're called strength shoes that I used where it's a regular shoe, but then there's this big...

thing just on the toe which stay on off the heels yeah it forces you to stay off the heels yeah yeah those right there the white and blue but that's it those ones yeah no I was thinking of something else they're like a whole thing they're crazy are you talking about shoes to make you taller no they help you're supposed to walk around and they just help you jump

Oh yeah, those get a, you get a killer calf after a month of those. I don't know if it's because of that or just getting older, but I used those senior year of high school, couldn't dunk, used them for a few months, started dunking. Whoa. That's not necessarily because of this. Yeah. But. Dunking trussel. Dunking donuts. The guy they picked over you, the guy they picked over you for white man can't jump, I don't think he can really play. You know what, I don't like to speak poorly about other people. But I'm going to be honest, I don't think he's much of a player. Is that Marlo? Who is that? Jack Marlo? Are you a dad? Yeah.

I don't know. Jack Harlow. Harlow, sorry. I don't know the hip white rappers these days. Harlow, he's a cute, cute kid. Cute guy, but pull him up, play him. He looks like... Admit the form is off. All right. What's the actor? He's Jon Snow, the brother, the king. Kit Carrington? No, but the other one, the one that dies at the Red Wedding. Spoiler alert, sorry. He kind of looks like a...

A musician version of that guy. Oh, okay. Well, he's a musician. That's all. There you go. I see. Small world. What about Woody? Was Woody decent form? Woody could hoop. Really? It looked pretty good. Here's the thing that Woody could do. Not to say anybody can't. Is this the kid? Yeah. All right. Look at the form, though. I don't know. He's like doing this. What is this? Interesting.

Woody had unbelievable has pardon my French. Unbelievable charisma. He's fun. He's lovable. I don't know much about Jack Marlowe, but I will say, are you sure? That's what I'm reading on the jersey. I know.

Oh, Jack's here now. Hey! This is our bartender, Beer Jew. You can walk in front of him. That's such a cool thing that you guys have a bartender during it. Oh, yeah. I know you're not a drinker, but you've got to have at least a sip of this because you're going to love this drink. So I have a work thing in a couple hours. This will help. I did take a little bit of an edible that will be kicking in soon. Gate porn?

I just call it porn, but yes, there's a lot of mostly men. Okay. Well, this will help you get through it. I also think it's important to acknowledge that. People, we call it this fetish shit or gay porn or black porn or Jew porn. It's just porn. Nobody's watching Jew porn. No one's watching. That search has never been entered once. That's actually...

That sucks. That's what I'm that sucks. You're going to but I'm not trying I don't want to I don't want to be known as a Jewish Pornographic actor I say an actor has done beautiful. Yeah, all right. Do you do you identify as a Jew? Yeah, do you like that as an identifier today? Yeah, why not? Did you choose it? No chose me Rick Glassman CAA Chosen people yeah, yeah, you're you're big peep. I

I mean, I can't get away from it. Not that I want to, but truly I don't want to. Yeah. But I'll tell you what I don't love. Nazis. Thank you.

But what about the, you always hear nebbishy, short, balding. You guys are the exact opposite of the stereotype. You're tall. We're three of the same people. You got full heads of hair and you're not that nebbishy. I mean, you got the germaphobe and the neck, but. What's the neck? I got a bad neck. Yeah. You knew that. Yeah. The neck sounds like a physical attribute, but I get it. I got some arthritis all around. Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. I had surgery here, here, and here.

Whoa. There we go. Triple hernia, elbow, and shoulder. And boy, are my arms tired. We'll be right back. Triple hernia? What happened? You lifted a couch? I had a... I got to tell you something. Even though I'm Jewish, I'm so athletic that my hernias are even athletic. Wow. Because it wasn't the intestines. It's actually called, and look it up, a sports hernia. Ah. Yeah, I had sports. If I'm going to have a hernia, let it be sports. Yeah. And while they were there, they did the belly button. The belly button? Yeah. Were you an outie? Well...

I was. Or a different kind of car. I like that they get specific with the ailments now. Yeah. It's like a towel STD. Right. What STD? Towel. Yeah. Monkey box. There's a tennis elbow. There's athlete's foot. Yeah.

Those are the big ones. Yeah, Achilles heel. That's just a body part. There's a lower back. A knee. Uh-huh. Yeah, there's no bowling finger. Yeah, there's the bowling finger. I have it. Oh, yeah?

Should we cut to a clip? Sure. Can you bowl? Very good. Are you serious? He's a Midwestern kid. That's right. I used to bowl a lot. Not so much anymore. Arms are tired. But I do have a cool... I almost bowled a perfect game. I did first 10 strikes. First 10 rolls were strikes. I was two away from perfect. That's pretty damn good. I mean, you basically did the perfect game and you couldn't get the last... Yeah. No. You know, when you get that close...

It makes it a little bit harder. But it taught me a lesson. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Maybe it's corny. Come on. No, it's stupid. Come on, glassy. When you chase perfection, you're only going to be disappointed. But when you're grateful for what you've accomplished and who you are in that moment. Hell, I'm a 288. I'm damn proud of it. 288? We'll be right back. That's insane. That's what the sneeze is at. I mean, that's my ex's weight.

Is that why? Did you break up with her because she's so heavy? Well, she died. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, the wheelchair got caught. It fell down the stairs. We got caught on what? I put a broomstick in the spoke. It's a whole thing. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You killed her? Well, I was cleaning. I was sweeping up. I fell. She, I dropped the broom. It went in the spoke. She went down the stairs. If this were on my podcast, I would pitch to you. We filmed this. We cut to a clip.

All right. We get an actor to play Norman. We dramatize it. Yeah, he plays the girl in the wheelchair, though. Yeah. Ah, but Jack Harlow will be me. You know, I rewatched White Man Can't Jump, the original. It's so good. Very, very good. Wesley Snipes is amazing. He's magnetic. Magnetic. What does magnanimous mean? Is it racist? I was just thinking that. Then there's magnesium. Right. That's not racist. Magnesium is, I think if you call a black guy magnetic...

Because of, because you know all the X-Men, like, he's always been white. Yes. Because he's repelling against the race, although now they're trying to say he's repelling against racism. Huh? Yeah. It's metal. Where were you getting racism?

No, no, because he's the only X-Men that has never been characterized as black. Because every other incarnation has been a black Wolverine, has been a black everything. I think they're hesitant to cast the villains black sometimes. Can I say something? Look at the Joker. If you look at Magneto as a villain, it's because you're not understanding oppression.

But he's white. He's a mutant. And he's a Holocaust survivor. I don't care for that term. Sorry. He's a mutant who was a concentration camp survivor. Got it. And those Nazis must have felt pretty dumb when they got Magneto in there. That's a show I would like to see, by the way. Magneto during the Holocaust. Oh.

Because he was still a kid. He didn't understand his powers yet. Right. Do you know this? I didn't know that. He's a survivor? He's a survivor. I didn't know that. Yeah, he's a survivor. Which is what makes things a little complicated in the universe now because he ages, yet now he would be 100 years old almost. Right. So it's a little confusing because his storyline is, yeah, he was a Holocaust survivor as a child there. But much like Black, mutant don't crack. Right.

I'm just saying, you know, you got these mutants that can heal themselves and shoot fire and all this. Why would they age? Right. Some of them do. Okay. A lot of people would call you a mutant with your amazing ability to go up on stage and tell people, you know what you do that I like? You tell it how it is. Yeah. Try to keep it real up there, you know? I don't want to let the people down.

Hey, we got a good shake. What are you making for us today there? So today is my version of our most famous cocktail, the Paper Plain. Yeah! This, though... This is our biggest hit. You know that drink? Oh, yeah. This is like our biggest hit cocktail. People love it. You choose them? You curate this? Most of the time, unless someone has specific flavors. Right.

But this is my version of it. It's a little lighter because instead of Amaro Nonino, I use this thing called Italicus, which is like a clear Amaro. It's very delicious and very good for like a hot day as well. Amaro Stoudemire. And Italicus sounds like a Jewish scroll or something. Sounds like rock music to me. Nothing else matters. Metallicus?

So how do you... Are we picking up audio? We got a good room mic in here? You could hear all that? He's got a mic on his apron there. Look at you guys. Yeah. And the chest hair is killing it. You got a good swoop going. You know what? I gotta get a haircut. It's too hot. No! It keeps flopping down as soon as I leave the house. The flop works. I have a question. It's good merch. I used Campari once instead of Aperol. It didn't work. It's a little too bitter. Aperol's a little sweeter on the side, so...

And especially if you're using Amaro already, you already have some bitter notes there. But this stuff is actually delicious. It's made from bergamot oranges. So it has this really light flavor, but it still kind of has that depth of Amaro flavor. So it's super interesting.

We should say for the folks at home, it's about 9,000 degrees in New York City. I mean, Dan's sweating like a Jew at an audit. But I'm glad you're here, and I hate this heat. It's brutal. Magnanimous. Oh, thank you. Is Jennerster forgiving, especially toward a rival or less powerful person? I would argue. In fact, I'm going to. So I'll move that away so it doesn't peak. Ooh.

Magneto is not magnanimous. Right. He's not generous and he definitely ain't forgiving. Not to the weaker human race. Yes, yes. Good point. That's kind of like a big comic when they're nice to the open micers. He's magnanimous. I was watching you guys, I think it was Ostavros, where you were talking about how now that you're more successful and experienced, you understand not being the most...

connected to your feature or opening act because you're working and it's tiring. Yeah, we try to bring our own friends. Right. So it's too much work sometimes meeting a new guy or gal and getting to know them. Getting a rapport. You can't have a rhythm of a show you need. When you're on the road as much as we are, you kind of have to... Yeah. It helps to... And also it helps the show when you know...

I care about the whole show. A lot of the time, the person they book is terrific, but it's a gamble. It's a gamble. Gambit. Played by a black man once. Really? Yeah. Well, he's... Damon Wayans Jr. From the Bayou. Really? Pitching it. When we first met on my podcast, the first one we did, I told you about... I have...

At the time, I think I said 40 or 45 minutes of funny in me a day. Yeah. And like a controlled one. Exactly. And you're saying, well, just like a runner, you've got to practice that and work up to get more. You should have an unlimited amount. And I think this is kind of the point.

point that what you're saying is when you're talking to people in the green room before a show or something it's not that you can't be funny but I do I do believe that energy is finite and as you do it your your energy meter goes down a little and you only have so much right that's why the meet and greet is so hard because it just sucks the energy it's way harder than a show because you got to go hello get out of here you

You get the one guy who decides to grab your stomach here for the picture. Like, all right, dude. Yeah. The ass grab. You get the headlock guy. You get the spit on you guy. And it just wears on you. The spit on you guy was gross before COVID. Yes. Now I'm just thinking like, I'm going to get a cold. I'm going to get sick. Yeah. There's so many spit. People that didn't realize how gross things were until COVID. I've always thought.

That blowing out a birthday candle was gross. It was a big, big thing. Thanks for joining us, Rick. Yeah. Spitting all over a cake. I only have a little sip here. Just have a sip. It's just pretty light. It's not going to get you all twisted. It's not going to fuck you up, dude. I mean, you took an edible before a table read? Is that what you're doing? Whoa, really? Ooh, this is delicious. Best drink, paper plane.

I don't know what to call this one yet, because it's a lighter version of the paper plane. I was thinking like the model airplane or something like that. The Wright Brothers. The Wright Brothers. There you go. What about Comfort Plus? Well, it's a lesser version. Economy paper plane. It's a more expensive version. It's just lighter. Oh, it's more expensive. This is delightful. This is so good. Dude, we need a...

I can't wait till we do first class till we get bodega cat or whiskey. We get RTD those little cans. Yeah. Those ready to drink. Oh, yeah. We need to do a paper plan. Yeah. No problem. Here, here. Yeah. Cockpit. Oh, that's good. Do you ever do sets where you don't have a drink?

Yeah, you know, in the city, I'm not really drinking. But on the road, I don't drink before, but I'll have one during. That's my weird double rule. Literally, like, you'll bring your first one drink up on stage with you? Yep. Does one drink do anything for you? No. But it, you know, it gets the wheels moving, I guess. What is the wheels moving? Is it a sense of ease, or is it a sense of silliness? It's more of a mental thing of, like, your brain's going, oh, this is familiar. Yeah.

I think it's like one cup of coffee. Does it really do a lot if you're a major coffee drinker? It gets it going. Gets it going. You grease in the pan before the eggs. What do you use to grease a pan? I go butter. Yeah, you did the spray. I thought you were a Pam guy. No. Come on, Pam. Get out of here. That's our publicist.

But no, I go butter. We have the same person who does our publicity stuff, and she's such a New Yorker. Yeah, oh yeah. I was on the phone with her the other day, and she's like, I want you to do this, I want you to do that. And then she goes, ah, fuck. And I was like, what? She's got bird shit on me. Anyway, doesn't even break conversation, just keeps going. That's a pro. Mid-bird shit. She's so New York. You know, they say bird shitting on you is good luck. I've heard that. And I think that's just a really, it's almost like a small version of,

The origins of religion, I feel like, where like here's something that maybe scares you or is not good. But if we could, I guess professionally we call it a spin. Yeah. Right. But like, you know, I know you're unhappy, but a bird shitting on you is going to bring you great wealth. It's a spin. You know what? Great wealth better than bird shit. Right. You might be a redneck or however it goes. Well, get her done. But I think, oh, sorry. I think 80% of everything we talk about tradition is religion and the other 20 is nautical.

Hear me out. So you go, hey, goodbye is God be with ye. Just shortened over the years. So that's religious. But then you got stuff like, oh, I'm going to break the ice, which comes from ships coming in, breaking the ice. The cargo ships would break ice to get to the shore. Right.

So that's, I think nautical is big. Do you think there's anything about being like, being captain, being this type of alpha energy where somebody who is good at breaking the ice in conversation is kind of leading, steering the conversation? Maybe steering too. Starboard bow, you got the big circle thing. I actually heard that everything is 80%, which I also heard religion, 15%.

Nautical. Nautical. And 30% physical. Little Giants. Oh, wow. Little Giants. Yeah. Good pull. Icebox. You know, you said, oh, Captain. I'm thinking of that. What's that Robin Williams movie, Dead Poets Society? Great movie. Oh, it's fucking so cheesy. You like it? I love it. It's so fucking corny. As a troubled youth and a guy who needed some guidance. I loved it. Have you seen that? I went to Catholic school. I don't remember it. I don't know.

Oh, it's classic. It's definitely schmaltzy. It's very huggy-duggy, and the kid shoots himself. Spoiler alert. But reading poems in a cave by firelight, and that's how you seduce girls in high school. I mean, that's what I tried to do. It kind of worked. It worked. We learned what to do with girls from what we watched. I was an American pie baby, so I would go to the library to learn how to...

Eat a girl's pussy. Oh, yeah. I tried that, too. All those movies always have the older brother who just knew how to eat pussy. Older brothers always know how to eat a pussy. I've never talked to my brother about eating pussy. No. I've never been like, Greg, here's what you do. He's like, I'm gay. There's a book under my bed.

You wrote a book about eating muff? Yeah. Isn't it just alphabet with the tongue? I did. That's all I learned. I did. I didn't kiss until I was 17 and I was too scared to kiss. I recently started talking about this on stage and I get insecure if I say something that I'm doing as a bit in conversation. So I feel like I have to just acknowledge that. Bring it on. We do lots of bits on here. This isn't a bit though. I'm going to less bit it. Okay. Okay.

I bought a book because I didn't know if I was supposed to how to kiss. I didn't know if it was supposed to do top lip on top lip and bottom lip on bottom lip or you stagger the lips. And I was a little late to like be asking because everyone else was already getting sucked and fucked and stuff. So I bought a book, but it wasn't about kissing. It was Kim Cattrall's book on how to eat snatch. She wrote a book on that? Oh, yeah. She really leaned in, huh? Yeah. Good for her. Yeah.

And then I heard she had a divorce because her ex-husband wanted to fuck her too much. What? That can't be the reason. Pull it up. Pull it up. I'm her ex. But, gee, that's wild. Well, I mean, she had Porky. She was the chick in Porky's who is just like, ah, ah. That's her whole character, the scream. Yeah, exactly. While she gets fucked. She's a very sexual woman. Believe me. Very sexual. Yeah? Well, I read her book on how to eat pussy. Oh.

Cost me my marriage. Sex in the city, divorce. Mark Levinson. Schedule meant she was never home. Wait a minute. That's a little different. Yeah. That's not what it is. She's a sexy lady. Yeah. I don't know. This is kind of a taboo thing, but I think all women are beautiful. Wow. I hope they don't clip that. I don't want to get in trouble here. Caitlyn Jenner? Mm-hmm. She's brave and beautiful. Okay. But you're doing brave. So brave. Ha ha ha.

When you're throwing brave, usually. When you're a public figure and you finally have the courage to stand up for yourself as opposed to worry about the shame that is projected from society's standards and just go out and do what makes you happy. Listen, if you're not stepping on anyone else's toes or dick or pussy, do what you want. Can we get a picture up of her? I think she's so...

She's very attractive. Very brave. Very brave. Good for you. Empowering. Very brave. Man, this is an inspirational episode. Yeah. Well, she hates Sarah Jessica Parr. Oh, I thought we were talking about the other girl. Huh? Weren't we talking about... Kim Cattrall. I thought we were talking about Caitlyn Jenner. Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry. There's too many women I can't keep track. Tell me about it. But Kim Cattrall...

Your boy had some fucking spicy diet this morning. Are you Jewish? Oh, yeah, dude. I know. I was going to say. We need a spot. Guys, get on board. Give us a little sponsorship, Pepto. I should have brought you some. I have these peppermint pills that are made. That's not sustainable. Oh, yeah, it is. I've been going this hard for. Yeah, but that's because you're going to keep needing that. Oh. Can I tell you something that a lot of people don't realize about stomach acid? Come on. You got the time? Push it on me.

People think they want to get rid of their stomach acid because that's what's causing the reflux and coming up. But the truth is when you have food, it needs to be submerged under the acid. When you get rid of the acid, what happens is the food is sitting on top and not digesting, and it's going to make it worse and worse and worse. Don't get rid of the acid. Peppermint oil. So you're saying that was a cop out what I just did. I'm saying this is what your practice, and now here we are, and I'm offering you a piece of intel that you use as you'd like. So how does he wean off of it? Peppermint pills. Oh.

Can we take a note of that? Peppermint pills? Peppermint pill. I had some spicy diarrhea, and I will say I was on the toilet. I forgot I had a cleaning lady come. I forgot she was coming. She came a little early. So I thought someone was breaking into my apartment. So I ran off the toilet, pants down, like, ah! What were you going to do if it was somebody breaking in? I don't know. I didn't think that far ahead. I just had to act. Shit all over him? Yeah.

Well, I just had to act and I ran out and I went, ah! And she goes, hi. I'm like, man, I'm so not scary. I tried to make myself big like it was a bear and I was like, ah! And she was like, hey. Just like getting extra hard. I had to fluff. Were you in boxers? I was in my boxers. Oh, okay. But it was down on the butt side. Did you have to shower? I did shower. Right after? Yeah, yeah. Because did it get a little...

Nah, it was alright. When you fart and a little comes out, do you consider shitting your pants if it's all over your butt but it doesn't get in the underpants? Yes. You really gotta let the water go down. And look, as you get older, the water going down that butt crack, it starts to feel nicer and nicer. Oh, it's the best. And I've been wiping. I gotta get a bidet. Oh, they're a necessity to me. I've been wiping and getting some pink. Hard to install? Pink as in, no.

As in my favorite color. Blood. Yes. Because you're wiping too hard? Yes, and too often. Do you poop a lot? Eh, but I want to clean it. This guy's like a fucking gerbil right here. He poops all day. I haven't pooped since I've last seen you, to be honest. Wow. What? Too much acid.

It's breaking it all up. I think it's the anxiety. I take magnesium, incidentally, at night. That helps me poop. Helps you sleep, too. I take a certain kind of magnesium. It's kind of like a cleanse. It's called Mago 7. We'll put it up on the screen. Ah, you're a Mago guy. When it comes to my bowels. Uh-huh. Yeah. Krav Mago. Talk about a piece of shit. Ha.

I don't have a point of view on that. All right. It's hard to stay on one topic with you because you're all over the place. He buried Ivana on his golf course at the first hole because he got a tax break. I guess you're one of the funniest. Is that true? I heard that you don't have to pay taxes if it's a golf course or if it's a business. She's right by the first hole, which is also what he called her. No, she's right by the – that's amazing. Wow. What a move. That's hilarious.

Is it like a lump in the grass you have to get over like in a putt-putt? Or it's just like her mouth to go through to get to the hole like those clown teeth. Yeah, and there's a windmill in front of her mouth. But we should respect it. Sure. How did she go? Staircase fell. Nice.

They're making a 13-part documentary on it. It was an owl. What's it called? The Stairs. What would you name it? I would call it Don't Stare. Good. I would call it Alcoholics Anonymous with an Extra Step.

Hey, 12 steps. 13. Parts. There's some talk about was it, you know, did she get pushed? Who knows? But also, like, it's very possible at that age to be looking at your phone. Sure. And just. The slip. Yeah. We'll never know. We'll never know. Tell me how much you agree with this statement. It's none of our business. What about stare not well? All right. All right. We're up too late. Stare well. Stare not well. No, I love it. All right. I cut you off there. No, you didn't. You had something.

This is our most Jewish ep yet. Yeah, I know, right? I feel so goy. We should have gotten a little lock spread for you, man. Yeah. Oh, that would have been the sweet. Yeah, next time. Do you practice?

Yeah. Judaism? Yeah. No. I mean, I guess. Probably the same as you. I'm not very religious. Yeah, but we still practice. You're taking Pepto-Bismol. Yeah. But I'm going to wean off after what you just said. Yeah. But even the way you get off is Jewish. A wean is a very Jewish way to get off. That's how I get off. What's that? Jew porn. I got to send you a link. Send me a link. Please. I've been doing it. And I'm not even joking. On my Patreon, I've been posting. Not my face, but I've been posting. I mean, porn. Just getting blown and stuff on my Patreon. Yeah.

What? Really? Actually, I'd like to promote. If you want to see me getting my dick sucked, go to patreon.com slash take your shoes off. Is there a sizzle? I guess I could send you something. You could put it in. I'll have it blurred. Okay, perfect. Like Asians. Yeah, I've been doing porn. Do Asian people blur their porn? They blur their penises. I think in Japan. Yeah. Really? Is it Japan or China? I think it's Japan, but that's why they're so repressed.

Because they don't get it out with the porn. Well, porn has only been mainstream and accessible the way it has for the past 10 some years. That's not enough time to build a resentment for suppression, is there? Oh, yeah. So in the 80s. I think we were suppressed in the 80s pretty bad. Think about what you used to jack off to when we were 13. Oh, my. Just cleavage or whatever. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Think about what they're jerking off to now. Maybe one more time. It was the first music video I jacked off to. Yeah, dude. Three months ago. Ooh.

Ooh, drive me crazy? No, no, no. Just hit me, baby. Just hit me, baby? Yeah. I didn't feel great after masturbating to it. Yeah, oops, I did it again. Yeah, I felt like, I just felt like I was doing too much to get to this thing. I had to put a tape in. I had to record it. It was too much. You were VHS masturbating.

Honestly, I was masturbating before I knew it was sexual. I used to put, when I was eight or so, pre-cum, pre-COVID as well, I would put myself

Yeah. You know, before a shower, you have the best part, but then there's the part where every shower is a little different. Why is it coming out of here? Yeah, yeah, sure. You got to find a knob. I used to have it coming out of here, the shower part, and I would kind of like go up next to it, and I would take my... Clit. Yeah, take my clit. Yeah. And I would put it under the water, and sometimes it would take five minutes, sometimes it would take like a half hour, and I didn't know what it was. I just know if you leave it there long enough...

It'll feel good. I didn't know it was sexual. Whoa. And I remember I did it. And after I would want to go in and I'm like, just keep doing it. It feels so good. Yeah. But every time I would finish, I would not want to do it anymore. And I remember one time I was going to do it. I'm like, Rick, you're not going to want to do it a second time. But I'm telling you now you're going to want to do it. So do it twice. Whoa. And I couldn't. That turns out it's kind of like, you know, when you have an orgasm, sometimes it takes some time. Yeah. I have a question. When you heard the Britney Spears songs on the radio.

Did you get excited? No. Good question. Although I did like her music and I did buy, while we're on the subject of Japanese porn, I did buy her album, the Japanese version, because it came with a special insert that had more pictures. Damn. You see? We had no porn. You had to get creative. Victoria's Secret catalogs. Big.

Yeah. That's what's so, sorry. Who were you, like, oh, I'm sorry, man. I'm talking about a Jewish podcast. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Great Josh Gottelman joke. You know, you got the Irish goodbye when you leave without saying goodbye. Jewish goodbye is when you say goodbye to everyone so long that they leave. His joke. But that's what's crazy about like a Pete Davidson now. A comedian fucking all these hot women, celebrity women, because that wasn't happening when we were coming up.

I forgot why this is related. We were talking about what were you a jerk off to? Oh, yes. Cindy Crawford. Cindy Crawford was your gal? Oh, yeah. Well, she was a Victoria's Secret gal and then Pete Davidson banged her daughter.

So I used to, I once got a Playboy and my mom had an laminating machine. I'm getting the silent treatment. What do you mean? From God. She's a woman. She's a woman. Oh. No, it was very good. I'm so sorry. No, no, no. I threw it in too late. I was a little slow. I was on bubble bath. You say it again. Do it again. No, it's over. It's over. I think God is a woman. Yeah, I'm getting the silent treatment. I don't get it. All right. Well, I appreciate that.

All right. So you were saying there. I laminated this Playboy, these pictures of this Playboy. And I would. You laminated. I laminated it when no one was home in my parents' bathroom. So you could clean off the semen. Well, because I wanted to bring it in the shower. Because the only way I knew to feel that way. Good point. This is when I started. This is pre-cum and pre-COVID still. But it was sexual at this point. You were a resourceful child. I know. What a nerd. Laminate it. That's adorable. Yeah.

Well, I wanted to bring it in the bubble bath. You take it to Hobby Lobby? You got a laminator? My mom had a lamination machine. She does crafts all the time. I don't know what. She would laminate pictures. This was before frames. You masturbate like a 50-year-old woman. You're in the tub, scrapbooking over here. Hey, shut the fuck up! You shut the fuck up! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That's funny because I used to print out naked women photos, print them out like... That whole thing using all the ink. Sounds like a bad psycho impression. And then I would fold them up, put them in my pocket. I remember I was mowing the lawn one time. Literally? Literally, mowing the lawn. It was a hot summer day. I was probably like 11, mowing the lawn. And I'd be like...

I would look at it. It would keep me going. It would give me strength. You're like a fucking vet. Yeah, yeah. I remember my friend had a color printer and we would print a bunch of porn from the internet and we just stapled it together and called it Play Amigo. We used like a graphic and we sold it for five bucks a copy in school. Whoa. And we got busted by our gay homeroom teacher. Ah.

He was like 70. He was awesome. He didn't give a shit. He just saw it. He goes, I'll just tell them you were selling lingerie magazines. Out of trouble. What a guy. Incredible man. What's his name? We'll put his Instagram handle up here. He died. Mr. Jones. He was the man. Mr. Jones and me.

How can I sell porn? I used to sell Dragon Ball Z VCDs that would burn the series. You didn't kiss until you were 18, huh? They don't all come together. Okay, keep going there. Four eyes. 17, sorry. Good magazine. Yeah, I remember selling stuff. Yeah. You know, being resourceful, we would make our little businesses. And now we're podcast kings. Yeah. Selling mattresses. And now we're selling whiskey. Yeah.

Do you guys have whiskey sponsors? This is our whiskey. We make it. Wait a minute. This is your brand of whiskey? Oh, yeah. I didn't know you guys had a... Pardon me for... BodegaCatSpirits.com. We're trying to retire on this puppy like Clooney. You know, I've never smelt a whiskey that I like. I'm sorry. This is the one. This is a very nerve-wracking moment here. Well, I'm not going to like it. I'm just curious if it makes me barf. I feel like we shouldn't have him smell it. No, no, no. That's a rye. This isn't whiskey. It's a rye. Are you kidding me?

No. I would drink the whole bottle of Bodega Cat in any type of glass. This is so good, and it feels so smooth. Here, here. Wow. Thank you, Rick. That's like a shower drain right there. Yeah. It's great. Good stuff. What about that big mop you got there? That's going to take a while to dry.

That's why I carry a hat with me. I like to get, when my hair is wet, I put a hat on. And when it dries in the hat, it keeps my curls. It's a little trick I found out. Yeah, as also a curly haired douche, I don't like to wash my hair a lot. You don't like to wash it or even wet it? Either or. Because once you get it the way you like it, once you wet it or shampoo it or whatever, it's over. How much do you spend on a haircut?

Too much. How much is too much? 50. Really? You were complaining about your haircut. We both were complaining. We didn't like our haircuts. I think you look squaffed. H-A-T. High and tight. Dude, I got a haircut. The woman was panicking. It was like a $30 haircut. Was it her first haircut? It felt like it was her first haircut. She was panicking with the blade. She was like, eh. I was like, you're making me nervous. You're nervous. You don't feel comfortable asking her to stop?

Once you're halfway through, you gotta just, it's like sex. You gotta finish. I have a question for you. You finish? No.

If you're getting a massage and you're paying for this massage and it's not a, there's just not hard enough for the doing weird spot. Do you just sit there and take it or do you let them know? Do you give them a little direction? One time I had to leave because she was, she didn't know what she was doing. She was terrible. She was so bad that I was like, you're going to injure me. What? How was it? Elbows and shit? Just like in the, on like my bone. I'm like, you don't know what you're doing. Whoa. See, I'm so dumb. I would have thought maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe it's supposed to feel like that. Well, it was really painful. Wow.

Good for you for leaving. I felt that way once I gave a lot of trust to Netflix. I remember back when you would rate stuff with five stars. I remember I was about to rate something three stars, and I saw Netflix suggested I would like it four stars, and I thought maybe I did like it more. That's where they got rid of the rating. It was causing Jews too much stress. But I just got a haircut. The guy hated me, and he was fucking with me on purpose. Why did he hate you? Well, here's why. It closed at 7. I got there at about 6.15, and I walk in. It went cling-cling, and I went...

And he goes, old Italian guy. And I was like, too late, too late. He goes, all right, sit down. And he whipped the chair hard with the towel or whatever. I don't think that's because he's angry. He was probably getting the hair off the chair. He was angry. I mean, it was coming out of his eyes. Dude, he was Italian. He still is. And I sat down. He whipped the smock on me all quick. And he goes, how do you want the sideburns? I go, I like it right here. And he did it up here. How long ago? This is two days ago. Your sideburns are great.

No, I like it down here. But he chopped an extra inch off just to spite me. And then he goes, how do you want the back? And I go, rounded. He did the square. He did. Damn. Yeah, so he was screwing me. Even the guy next to me was sweeping up like, oh, boy, you pissed off Vesuvio or whatever. Vesuvio. That's the name of the restaurant in fucking...

Sopranos. Oh, is that right? Yeah. It's also the volcano. But that's Vesuvius. Yeah. All right. But yeah, so and then I said a little this, a little that. And he just did everything wrong. And I would say, can you do this? And he wouldn't answer. And I would go, excuse me, can you do this? And he'd go, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was fucking with me. And I almost walked, but I didn't. And I still tipped him.

Yeah, I always tip well. No matter what. She did a bad job and she... The second she's done, I was like, ugh, and she goes, I'm sorry. She said I'm sorry. She admitted she fucked up. You can't say I'm sorry. I don't. I would rather that than my guy. No, I would have liked if she was like, you look great, you're crazy. Oh, okay. I would prefer that than she's honest. I like it when...

You ever at a restaurant and all the food comes up and it's missing something and then they say, oh, the kitchen's whatever, but you know they just forgot to put it in? Yeah. I've had waiters say to me, I forgot. I'm sorry. I love that. I'm tipping more. Yes. I love it. They're human. I do like honesty, but not when you're like, it's a tip job and I need a haircut. Right. I want her to say...

Yeah, I would have liked if she faked it a little bit. Okay, it's kind of like a doctor. You don't want a doctor to be like, Jesus, what the fuck is that? Right, you're saying bedside manner for a beauty. Bedside man grooming type thing. Well, barbers, it's a weird thing because you ever go to a place where they have the game on, like a soccer game on? I'm like, I don't want you really passionate about a team while holding scissors next to my ear. So true. Or they're in a conversation with a guy next to them like, oh, you see that game, man? And I'm like,

Look at me, motherfucker. And I also hate the haircut because you have to watch it happen. You're sitting there looking at your dumb face and you guys got the comb going through it and then he snips too much and you're just watching it and you got to just take it.

It sucks. I always say what I want it to look like. And then I say, but cut off a little less. Ah, that's good. Always. Because they always go too short. If it's a new person. Always go too short. Especially for us with curly hair. Yeah. I cut my hair once during the pandemic. Oh, boy. And I thought I did a good job until I showered and then it wasn't curled. It just this much, but the curl then it went. Goes a long way. Yeah. Because it doesn't have that strength to...

What they do with guys like me is they'll do the cauliflower look. They'll just do this and leave it here. I'm like, yeah, that's not what the fuck I want. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you are high and tight, though. Is that not how you like it? Eh. This is solid, though. It's a good look. I have to say so. All right, I'm trying to take away what she did. But you also are basically, you want us to. Yeah, you want us. You said to us you want people. Yeah, exactly. That's true, but I went to Barber, not my friend. All right, all right. I did have a lot of people do the, you got a haircut, but they didn't say, they just acknowledged that I got the haircut. I'm pouring it on.

It looks good. You look sharp. All right. Thank you. Yeah. When they acknowledge but don't say. There are people who say, hey, I saw your show. But they didn't say. I'm sure that they liked it if they're telling me they saw it. But still, you know. Okay. But you can't say thank you to that. And it sounds aggressive. But I go, okay.

Yeah, that's fair. I mean, it's a Mitch Hedberg joke. The guy's like, I saw you at the airport, but he did not say whether I was good. I don't remember that. I'm fucking it up. But he's like, I saw your show last night, but he didn't say if it was good. So he goes, I saw you here or whatever. I'm fucking it up. No, dude, you're okay. Ah, shit. Put that clip in. I was at the airport. A guy came up. He said, dude, I saw you on TV last night.

But he did not say whether or not he thought it was good. He just confirmed that it was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute. Then I turned it back. I said, dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. You were good. I'm becoming, I'm like, my period is, Jewish period is sinking with you guys. Oh, that's sweet though. It's a man of Shevitz. Is that right? Are you into Jew food?

I love delis. Kugel? Jewish pastries outside of the Homan-tashin, I don't favor too much. Homan-tashin's fucking solid. What the fuck's Homan-tashin? Pull it up. That sounds like a Native American. Homan-tashin. So there was Purim. You're familiar with Purim. I know Purim. That's the Jewish Halloween. Yes. And the villain of this is Haman. Magneto. Do you remember that? Did you have that growing up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever you say Haman. But he would wear a hat.

And I always thought that Heyman, Homan, Tashin, I don't know if that's the case, but he wore a hat that was kind of like a triangle, a pointy hat. Okay. So I think of Homan Tashin as Heyman. And it's also from that same Purim. Have you made this association? Sam, speak on that. No, I've never made that. But he was actually a Holocaust survivor, Heyman. Oh, hey, man. No, this was way before that. Queen Esther? I was trying to do a fucking Magneto thing. I don't know. Yeah.

All right, I want to see this Haven because this is a whole world I have no idea. I actually heard that Thanos was a Holocaust survivor too. Thanos was? Really? He was the thickest Holocaust survivor there was. That guy was thick.

I don't know this guy. Yeah, I don't know if that's how you spell it. Type in Haman Corum. I never saw it. You never saw it? Nah, that's not my cup. Well, it's not my cup either, but I ended up going. What, Avengers? Yeah. It's everyone's cup. My mom loves it. You watch the last two, you'll love them. Yeah, the last two are fun. Okay. I just got into The Boys. You guys watch that? I haven't seen it. Oh, so fun. Such propaganda. Click on that other one. Have you seen Peacemaker yet? That's next, but people are raving. It's good. Peacemaker's good. This is how people see Jews. Ho!

Holy shit. But doesn't that hat look like a, I've never seen this picture. Doesn't that hat look like a Hohentaschen? Yeah. It looks more like an Irish guy if you ask me. Pull up a picture of a Hohentaschen, would you? Yeah. Yeah, look at that. Oh, wow. That's the hat. That's what I'm saying. That's an Napoleon hat. Oh, they're delicious, a Hohentaschen. Yeah. What is that, grape in there? There's grape, strawberry. My favorite is apricot. Apricot's good, dude. It's a Jewish Danish, right? Got it. Got it. It's a little drier. Is rugelach considered Jewish? Yeah. Rugelach's fucking good, dude. People love it.

I just, I don't like to speak bad of pastries. We used to put it in the freezer, even better frozen. I don't know. Wow, Jesus Christ. What the hell? What are you on, the fucking Daily Storm here? What the hell? What are you pulling up? What the fuck? Daily Storm. Ah, ah, ah.

Is that a WNBA team? What's the Daily Storm? I'm glad you don't know. I've never heard of that. Mark was like, oh, I get that one bookmarked. They feature my stuff. Well, what's the Daily Storm? By order of deduction, I have to assume it's like a news anti-Jewish propaganda. I've never heard of it. I thought he made it up, but the reference sounds like something. It sounds like a weather station. Oh, is that what it's called? Jews love the weather channel.

Wait a minute. Daily Stormer. Okay, there we go. Is an American far-right neo-Nazi white supremacist, misogynist, Islamophobic, anti-Semite. I don't think they wrote this bio. I'd have more respect for them if they did. I feel like we're going to lean into it. Yeah, that would be fun. Kind of like what the girl who cut your hair did. Yeah. Oh, Alex Jones' top build.

This house. I stand without Alex Jones. You see DeRosa's clip up there. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Free Ricky. That's you.

Free Ricky. You know, my brother... Did you guys have senior quotes in your yearbooks? Yeah, sure. My brother's was from Major League. Forget the curveball, Ricky. Give him the heater. And there was a teacher. I forgot his name. But he came up to me and said how beautiful my relationship is with my brother and how great advice that is. And he thought to me, like, Rick, don't worry about just trying to dodge stuff. Just go right to what you want. I like that. Well, I met your... You've got a great family. Thank you. I met his dad. His dad owns like...

This carpet land. Oh, Marshall. Carpet One. It's amazing. It's like high-end, top-shelf, beautiful carpeting. And your dad's the coolest. Thank you. Great guy. He looks like Sam Elliott. Cleveland classic, right? Yeah, well, Marshall Carpet One and Rug Gallery is... The problem with it is a lot of people get confused because you go and a lot of times you're a customer... One sec. You're a customer for these rugs, but we don't have any customers. Ah.

It was a little empty. We have family. Oh. Wow. No, we had people going through. You were the first one we recorded at the rug store. There was customers going through. It was an honor. Yeah, we're doing a podcast. Some guy behind us is like feeling the material and shit. And he was happy. And Jews know about materials. That's true. Oh, yeah. You know why? Because they had to learn the trades because then they were leaving Eastern Europe. They couldn't necessarily take their brick and mortar stores. That's why you see a lot of lawyers and doctors and salesmen. Oh.

Because it's a trade that you could teach and bring with you wherever you go. You don't need goods. Correct. But then you guys had fabric as well. Well, and spices. But that's just because that's what the resources are over there. I see. A lot of fashion. Jews brought that over. A lot of- Ralph Lauren changed his name. Lipschitz? Lipschitz.

Not for me to decide. I think that's his real name. Also, if you think about who created all the superheroes, it's a lot of Jews. Yes. And a lot of them had like dark... The original one. Superman is Jewish. And Spider-Man, Stan Lee. Jesus Christ was Jewish. The original superhero. That's right. But a lot of them came with like a dark secret that they were hiding, a double life kind of a thing. It made sense that it was like... No stomach acid. And the Jews were great boxers. The early Superman season was like this. Yeah. Yeah.

What's that? The early Supermans. He's always chugging Pepto. That was his weakness. His stomach acid. It was Krypton and then the bad stomach. But yeah, yeah. I think that's what they thought goys looked like with Superman. You know, because you guys couldn't throw a ball and stuff. Also, in order to fit in, you have to wear glasses and be like, well, I think my dick may be a little too small. That was Clark Kent. In the Daily Planet. Right, exactly.

Exactly. Originally, he was at the Daily Stormer. That's crazy. That would be a fascinating comic book. Just anti-Semitic Superman? In like North Korea, the way they repurpose these stories and change them and stuff? Yes, yes. He's just stopping bar mitzvahs and stuff. He's bringing to the wall of a temple. Good times. You know, that's why I just officiated my first wedding.

And boy are my arms tired. Did you really? I did. Eric Griffins. And I did a thing and it was great and it was Jewish. He's Jewish? He's married a Jewish into Judaism. Good for him. And you're stepping on the glass and I've heard all these different things. I never knew what the stepping on the glass was at the end. And I learned that it's to symbolize the destruction of the first two Jewish temples for people to remember that even on this blessed joyous day to still remember

where you come from and paint and it just feels like what such a Jewish thing I know we're having a good time but I thought it was in reference to Die Hard when he had to walk on the glass and I think Die Hard maybe used that in it because Die Hard came from

Way after the destruction of the temples. Yeah, good point. You always get the best joke about the broken glass. You know Mike Kaplan? Yeah. He's a joke. He goes, you know, I had a divorce. It was a Jewish divorce. We took a broken glass. We put it back together. That's great. Is he Jewish? I'm just kidding. Yeah, that's funny. You on a first date not knowing where to go. You guys get bar mitzvahed? Yeah. Oh, fun. Should we cut to some footage?

This is a translation of my Torah portion, Yitzhavim, from the book of Deuteronomy. You make a couple bucks? A little, yeah. One thick eyebrow, the picture, I'm like, I can't look at this shit. Oh, really? Do you have to take care of that now? Oh, yeah. How often do you do it? Not often. Not too often, thank God, but it's, yeah. How do you do it? I pluck it. I get a little tweezer. You pluck? Yeah. Whoa. Are you familiar with laser? Should I do that? I had my back lasered. Really? What? Whole back. Can we see it? Yeah.

No, for the camp. Damn, that's a smooth back. There's nothing there. Nothing? So your lower back was it? My upper back's the problem. I had my whole back. Really? Upper and lower. Is that expensive? I don't look at prices. Did it hurt? It hurts a little bit. Yeah. I mean, no more than, you know, what you would think it does. How long does it hurt?

It's... They have to... And it's probably... For like a whole back, you're probably looking at a half hour. That's not bad. But it's fine. And they also give you this numbing cream that you choose to, which I did. But I mean, a week later, you... No, right away. Right away, you're fine. Wow. I mean, there are some... Like, you stay out of the sun for a few days. There are some bumps sometimes. Sure. But...

I was so insecure about my body hair. Why? What about the chest? Well, that first... So I didn't have really body hair coincidentally until I started eating pussy. I really do think it's a coincidence.

So you started at like seven or eight years old? No, no, no. Seventeen. Oh, okay. And I'm sorry to negate you. I just didn't want to lie about my... I'm not eating pussy before I kiss. Sure. I do now, but... Finally. So I didn't have chest hair in high school. When the girl was dating in high school, I also dated freshman year of college. And I remember I went to her dorm and they shared a floor, the guys and the girls, and I showered in the guy's shower. It was a different time. And when I walked down to her room, I was just a towel on my waist. And she goes, Frank, you have so much chest hair.

And like that, I just became so for years until now.

ironically i saw hugh jackman as wolverine and i thought he looked great great i'm like i don't have all of that but like that that's kind of the thing pull up hugh jackman as wolverine shirtless yeah it would be the first one man's man peak of a man i just thought yeah you know what chest hair is okay but i still love chest hair back hair shoulder hair that's tough it's tough it's debatable but magnum pi was all chest hair you gotta do the older one because he less chest hair yeah i'm a little annoyed that he shaved it there he looked

Cool Harry. Tom Selleck. Yes. That's more my mom is into that. I think. My mom too. Well, I'm trying to get your mom on board, dude. Dude, chest hair, I usually, women are into it. Oh, yeah. I had one girl when I was in college. Yes, pecs don't have it as much. She was still young. She was young. I bet she grows into that. Yeah, chest hair is fine. You know, a lot of people talk about these beauty standards that are impossible to connect to by, you know, having large breasts, a large ass, fat lips, a juicy wet pussy.

and a narrow waist and just beautiful and skinny. Sure. But not everybody could look that way. But guys have that too with hair. Yes. And a lot of people, because a lot of these chiseled model types don't have hair, I feel like girls...

Until you hit maybe 25 or older. Because I remember back when I was younger and I was fooling around with some girls that were a bit younger. Oh, yeah. They usually, they didn't tell me I hate your fucking chest hair, but you could tell. Really? And then when I once maybe like hit 27, definitely in the 30s. And you started hooking up with younger women again? And I was hooking up with younger women. I don't think I've ever. Yes, I have.

I fucked a 17 year old once. Really? Well, I was 17. That's a key word right there. That's allowed. Yeah. Um...

But yeah, older, like, I don't know if it's rude to say older is 27 or 30, but that's around when I started recognizing that. Like once I was in the upper, in the 20s, women tend to like chest hair. They love it. My gal says she wants me to have more, which sucks because I'm like, well, it's not going to happen. Well, now I know why Dane Cook waxes his chest. He likes them young.

I don't like to speak of other people. Or of other pastries. I think most guys like a young lady. I was going to say I don't think I've ever dated a younger girl, but that's not true because my last girlfriend is younger. My girl's younger. Other than that, it's older. Yeah, it's usually been my age, but yeah, my last one was younger. But, you know, these are my... When I met her, she was 26, 27. Happy birthday. Thank you. Huh?

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Interesting. So you're the opposite of Hugh. Hugh has a lot in the middle. The middle's where you want it. Is it? Yeah, look at, look at, look. You want to, you want to dress there? And he can have anything. He can have anything. And I'll give it to him, too. Hugh Jackman's fucking talented, man. He's awesome. I'm trying to get him on the pod while I'm here. Really? He can sing, dance, muscles. He's doing the music man, right? Elephant man. Elephant man? Oh, that was Bradley Cooper. Yeah. What? He should be the elephant.

Do you ever see Hugh Jackman in the one with the magic? Christine. Yes. That's a good movie. Great movie. What about the one where it goes, From now on. From now on. Do you remember that one? The circus one? No, I never saw it. No. What am I talking about? The Greatest Showman. Yes.

Jewish. Is it good? Oh, really? When the last name ends in a man, it's usually Jewish, right? Good point. Showman. Yeah. True story about Hugh Jackman. He used to do a Broadway show, and apparently my biological father's in the crowd one night. He is doing like crowd work, brings him on stage, and he wrote like a jingle for like an ad, you know, an advertising thing back in the day, whatever. He used to do jingles. Like Rick Vaughn in Two and a Half Men.

Yeah, a little bit, kind of. And he had a jingle. Charlie Sheen, dude. Oh, okay. Act like you've been there. We're trying to get Sheen on the pod. I thought it was named Rick Vaughn and Major League. Rick Vaughn was played by Charlie Sheen. I get that, but you combined Rick Vaughn. I know, I put it together. Okay, okay. Just put together the Sheen stuff. I love your Sheen. By the way, we got a Sheen update from our buddy Simon Rex, who is trying to get Charlie Sheen on this pod. We desperately want Charlie Sheen. Are you a big Charlie Sheen fan? We just think he's like...

A perfect we might be drunk at. Yes. Yes, we are fans. Yeah, he seems fun. Yeah, he's got the sneak. But yeah, apparently he's hiding in the hills. He doesn't do a lot of public appearances. He just does porn stars. But Simon Rex...

For those of you who loved the Simon Rex episode, now he's a great guest. He's a great guy. He's pushing for Sheen. Hell yeah. We're fighting for Sheen. We're going to get Sheen one day. But anyway, Hugh Jackman brings in my biological dad on stage. And it was like, play. What are you doing? And he goes, oh, I used to do advertising. Now I write songs and stuff. And he goes, well, play one. He goes, I can't. I can't sing. And he's like, please, play one. He gets the whole crowd to be like, play it. Play it. Plays the song.

Shits his pants. No. Plays the song. Falls over the stool. Drops dead. No, he plays the song and everyone, like he can't sing, but everyone just cheers because he did it. Yeah. It was crazy. And Hugh Jackman's like, that's incredible, that song. I love that song. He's like, I'm going to make that song. I'm not kidding. I'm going to make that song. Never got in touch. He got fucking ghosted by Jackman, dude. Damn.

I think in his heart he really did want to, but he's probably just too busy. He's busy. He's got 10 movies in the works, but that's wild. I don't remember if we talked about this, but you obviously have a non-biological dad as well. Who's the best, yeah. Biological dad, though, is in your life? Not really. He lives like seven blocks from me. It's very strange. They walk by each other on the sidewalk like this. Do you guys bond over issues with your family?

I think we're both pretty good. My family's good. I mean, it's always his. I mean, we're well adjusted. Our parents had dinner the other night. Oh, how did I know that? I saw that on something. I think we posted it. We posted it somewhere. Yeah, I saw either a clip or something. The Normans and the Morels. And you didn't know that. They called you. No, we both got blindsided with it. We were having dinner with the Normans. I was like, what? Oh, that's so cool. But not your biological dad. No, no, no. But your biological dad. Yes. Well, no, but my mom is my biological mom. My dad is...

technically my stepdad but he legally adopted me he's my dad how old were you when he adopted you well when they got married they were like I was probably like seven so right around then good age that's when I started masturbating yeah dude you were fucking in there well I called it shower play yeah dude bath play yeah now did you guys fuck stuff around the house

Who didn't? All right. I used to, I remember. Nothing's safe in a young boy. No, no. In a young boy, you what? Well, if there was a mattress, you're going to fuck it. Yeah. Can I tell you the best mattress I've ever fucked? Honestly, you could get one at helixsleep.com to save up to $200 off all mattress orders. Here's the best part. And two free pillows. Hey, nothing wrong with that. Yeah. You know they have a 20-day guarantee? What?

Psych 100 days. Risk free. And if you don't like it, they'll come to your house and pick it up for free. Take the two minute sleep quiz at helixsleep.com slash Tysa. What about the drool though? What if you drool on it? Will they still take it back? Yep. All right. Because I'm a drooler. Do you drool on your sleep? You drool on your pillow though, not on your mattress. Pillow? Yeah. But you said pillow. You caught me. All right.

I used to have, I remember when I was a little boy, I discovered that if you put pressure on your penis, it feels good. Yeah. So I would have, I remember there was a sleepover with another heterosexual friend.

And we would put pillows on our schwances and step on it. Whoa. Yeah. Doesn't this feel good? Like you don't know what it is. Doesn't that feel good? And remember we tried, we would lay on our stomachs and put a pillow on our butts and stand on it and you can't feel it the same. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's, I used to do the circle jerk. How old?

36? No. You were younger. No, we didn't get in a circle, but he would take the couch, I would take the bed, he would take the closet. There were four of us, we were square. Wait, and do what? Are you being serious? And we would put on a porn and jerk under a blanket or a sleeping bag. I've heard people do that, but really, you wouldn't just masturbate next to your friends? I mean, it was like where he was. Yeah, next to your friends. I have a bit about this in my new special. Oh, really? Yeah, about how we used to do that. Oh, okay. I think that's pretty common. I'll start doing a bit about that if that works. I think we all got to do it.

I think we should do a circle jerk bit of us doing a circle jerk. Sure. And there was no embarrassment? No. I mean, we were young boys figuring out. We didn't know what was going on, really. You know, very young. And I remember one time my friend finished, and we're all talking about it. Cummed. Yes. Say your friend cummed. Say what it is. Yeah, he jizzed. And he had it on his hand, and I go, I dare you to taste it. And he goes, I don't want to. And I go, come on, taste it. And he goes...

We haven't talked since. Really? That was like 20 years ago, yeah. I guess you can say it. Let's get him on the phone. You can say a 13-year-old jizz. I don't think you can say a 13-year-old nutted.

nutta doesn't sound right right no no it is what it everything needs to be contextualized and we've kind of lost that right now with these sound bites and these bubbles that we left this right that the truth is when you're 13 and you nut it's not about a 13 year old nutting it's about you and your peers nutting but everyone needs to define this stuff you have people on the left saying that trump is you know that stuff yeah okay and then you got the

People on the right saying, you know, all the stuff they're saying. Fuck the jukebox. The Daily Stormer. And we're picking teams like it's the Cavs versus the Bulls, man. I know. Instead of picking policies. And we'll just go with whatever team we decided. Oh, I like LeBron. Only if he's on the Cavs. Fuck that. God is a woman. Hey, here, here. Silent treatment. I don't like to choose sides. I like to choose people. Yes. There you go. There were no Jews in the building.

Oh, that's 9-11. I thought that's what you were doing. Oh, okay. I don't know. I don't have any platitudes. You don't have any good ones? You don't have any? The same exact thing. All you have to do is just turn it on its head. It's the same exact thing you do. Switch one variable. Ah. Wait, what? Uh.

you know, uh, fucking guys are, have huge dicks and they, they're awesome. Right. That's like something you could do, but instead switch it to either say women have, or guys have small. Oh, I see. I see. Okay. What's one of your jokes that's cutting. That is like, that is like, what's a good one or two liner that you have that people at first might be like, Ooh, black people are lesser right now. Switch it. Okay. Black people are on top. Same job.

Just different point of view. Okay. Well, this is not going to help anybody's career. This one has been flagged by YouTube already. We have lost all our sponsors. There we go. And it's been a good run. We will be moving to the Daily Stormer for future content. Helix stuck with us, believe it or not. What's your Helix code? You should get the code. You guys have Helix? I'm a Casper man. Are you? Ooh.

Yeah. I've had the same mattress forever. He's friendly. I've had the same mattress forever. I'm going to have to update at some point. My friend Ryan Hamilton has a new thing that I guess he heard on the Tim Ferriss podcast. It's like a cooling thing that you can control from your phone. Makes your bed cool as ice. Can make it hot. You can set the temperature of your bed hot as hell. Cool as ice or hot as hell. You guys don't have hell.

Yeah, we don't. We don't have heaven either, though, do we? Oh, I think we ought to have it. No, I don't really. No, I think we don't. Unless, of course, you're talking about Jack's Deli. No. Look at that. Yeah, something like that. I would urinate on that and short it out. I saw on Shark Tank there's a thing that you could buy that. That thing. What is that? Where you could heat or cool, and you could do different temperatures on different sides. Looks like she's about to suck the old clit.

look at all these new inventions I'm way behind I'm sleeping on straw you ever get into a bed and the pillow's cold and it's just like oh I love a cold pillow I think this is supposed to give you that all night with my ex the whole bed was cold alright no I don't like to speak negative people no she's great she's a good person just for a joke just for a joke

She was just cold on the inside. Okay. All right. All right. All right. What is that one? Seven best bed cooling systems. Okay. So this is a thing. I didn't know about this. Yeah. Remember the old days? You put a nickel in the slot and it would shake? Is that where you... That was in movies. I'd see that where they go to a hotel. It was like a shit box hotel. Oh, yeah. They put a border in and it would go... They call them Jewish beds. All right. It's only a nickel. I thought they were called Michael J. Fox beds. Oh.

I don't like to speak to the camera. Fucking blew it. God damn it. There it is. Relaxation service. Yeah, I think of it as a quarter. What do you think that does for you? I don't know. I think that people... It's just vibrating, right? We just had so little entertainment. Remember the thing you'd go do at the gym and you'd put it around your waist and it would jiggle you? I mean, from the 30s. Yeah, I went to a cheap gym. This guy's trainer was Jack LaLanne. Remember the football game where they would just go...

Bullshit it was some bullshit, and then you see dude pull up what NBA 2k 23 is gonna look like oh Just a clip of just a game. Yeah, what the graphic is though I mean this is the most realistic looking that's not who gives a shit about it, but look at their face You could see like this Wow look at that. Yeah, 2k when 2k first came out is for Dreamcast. It was like unbelievable Yeah, dude, she's 99 99. Yes. Yeah, I

They got to get domestic violence in these games, though, if they want it to be real. I heard in the new Madden game, Deshaun Watson, you can cum on a masseuse. It's crazy. But would that be for, isn't that more of a football thing than a basketball thing? Yeah, yeah. No, I said for Madden. Well, gotcha. That's your team. That's got to be kind of weird, right? The Browns? Well, he's talking about the Browns. I don't really watch football because of the abuse.

I just like basketball. Are the Indians still Indians? Now they're called the Guardians. Oh, the Guardians. You know, I just actually reposted it. I have this clip of my family that goes viral whenever I post it. It's wild. Let's hear it. And, well, maybe we'll put it up. Okay. But my dad, this was five years ago, he's wearing a Chief Wahoo shirt. And so many comments. I think it's people trolling, but still so many comments about how

unacceptable it is, but nobody thought it was unacceptable until somebody told them it was. Exactly. I don't have skin in the game. I really could care less. You don't have red skin in the game. And if you went downstairs in the basement and got a soda, what was the fucking rule? Okay! I don't like the people who are like, who are like,

I want to feel good about myself. Let me tear a dude. Times were different. People make mistakes. I don't like the ganging up on people. You used to masturbate with little boys. Yeah. It was a different time. Still do. Used to, yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ, this guy's the king. Yes, come on. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I bought Epstein's Island. You bought it? Yeah, yeah. It was cheap. You're a YouTuber, huh? Bargain bin prices. Damn. I can still call it Epstein's Island? You can't change it as a brand. You should keep it. Just lane. You should keep it. One of us, we got to get his jet.

I bet it's a disc. You know, I heard he got that jet from, what's his name? The guy who started, found Victoria's Secret. He's from Ohio, this guy. Oh, yeah? What's his name? Oh, wow. Look at what you're talking about. Super rich. Yeah. And he gave Epstein power of attorney for all of his finances because he was a finance guy. So there was some stuff that he...

all the things that he acquired but he bought the jet and it's not public at the price but it said at a discount rate or whatever yeah apparently it was like gifted to him so I'm saying like he got it for very cheap so maybe you can interesting look up uh uh Jew look up Ohio Jew Victoria's Secret I like I like the idea of buying it why is this so cheap well uh

Last guy in this jet was a pedophile. That's why. That's it. Les Wexner. Yeah. Shout out to Lex. We'll put his Instagram handle up here. He's very rich. Bath and Body Works, Abercrombie, Victoria's Secret. How bad is Victoria's Secret if people want to do this? You know, an interesting back story on Les Wexner is...

His father was in the clothing business and he worked for his dad and things, it just wasn't working well. He said that he wasn't a good, like good at his job. The father said about Lex. Yeah. That's where he went because Lex suggested our sports bras are the thing that's selling the most. We should really focus on that. He goes, you'll never be a salesman.

So Lex went and started his own place called The Limited because it was a limited selection of just the things that he thought would do really well. Yeah. And that turned into The Limited and then he did all the other stuff. I love a good origin. Yeah. Love a good origin. Yeah. You know, well, this is not really an origin, but I heard a fun fact lately for doing those. Yeah. What do you guys think? Okay. So Uber, let me see if you can guess this. Uber...

Came in, you know, it was new, an Uber, and, you know, changed the game. But the city lost a ton of money on Uber. Can you think about why? Why they lost money on Uber? Why the city lost money. Less tickets. Close. Less parking, less...

Less drunk driving incidents? That's it. Really? So DUIs went way down with Uber coming in, and the DUIs make a lot of money for the city. No one thinks about that. And they lost hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars. Damn. I mean, they want you to get a drunk driving license. They want you to get it. It helps the lawyer fees, court fees, jail, tickets, car reimburse, whatever the hell. Bus deaths?

Less deaths. Yeah, but you know, it's all about money, man. It is. It's all about money. Mo' money, mo' power. Mo' money, mo' problems. Mo' money, mo' Welsh. Mo' Mandel. Well, you got two Mo's in there. And none of the Stooges. I was thinking, but I can't remember his name, his last name. Does he have, he has to have one. Mo' Rocka.

That sounds right. I believe you. He's on CBS Sunday Morning. Is he? Old school daily show. No, I'm talking about Moe from The Simpsons. His last name is Roe. Oh, Sizzle. Thank you. Yes. Maybe the best Simpsons character. He's one of the best. He might be the best. He's got one of my favorite Simpsons jokes. Carl? No, they get him up on the lie detector when Mr. Burns dies. They go, where were you on Saturday night? He goes, I was on a hot date. All right. Dinner with friends. All right. Dinner alone. All right.

Alright, I was ogling the women in the Victoria's Secret catalog. Eh. Tears catalog. Ding. What a way to go for that joke. Oh, dude, can you pull up his NRA speech? The Moe NRA speech? It's one of the best fucking... It's incredible. I don't know this one. Oh, dude, please get it. Flaming Moe. No, the...

Uh-oh. What happened? Oh, he's putting the speakers on so we can hear it. We were all in the floor. Warm you like a hug. Happiness is just a flaming moment. Wow. You're down in the woods. Wait, I want to... I didn't know you could sing. Homer was about to give one. Are you allowed to show stuff like that? Do you care about that? I don't know. I think it was short enough.

Yeah, how are you going to bowl a little bit, Matt? My favorite Simpsons joke, and it taught me this joke structure that is one of my favorites, is stonecutters. Oh, great ep. When he goes, Homer's trying to get away because he wants to see what Lenny and Carl are doing because he doesn't realize they're in the stonecutters already. Yeah. And Marge doesn't want him to do that kind of stuff, so he's getting up at the dinner table, and she goes, where are you going? And he tries to figure it out, and he goes, I'm going to stock.

Lenny and Carl just said what the thing was. And it blew my mind that you could just say the thing. Say a worse thing. Well, you're just saying that he's just saying the truth, but in the cadence. He's like trying to figure, you're not going to drink. No, I'm going to have a drink. Just the cadence in that you could lead people by speech patterns. I remember I used to VHS, try to tape everything.

everyone I could just so I could just bang and just watch chorus 10 in a row sure pre-tevo I used to do that with Britney Spears oh yeah that was fucking hot one more time yeah do you have any peeves Rick I got some peeves do you I have some peeves I got a peeve should I buy you some time or are you ready I'm ready but you could go no no you go you're the guest

But let me zoom in a little bit because people can be like, everyone hates lying. Lying and not, also, I hate lying. So I'm not just categorizing this peeve. I'm just separating the peeve from the thing lying. What are we doing? But the peeve is where it serves no purpose. And now you're just discrediting everything. I'm on my way over. Let's say I'm going to be here in 18 minutes. Okay. I'm five minutes away. Ah.

Just tell me the thing. I did that yesterday. I feel bad. Because you're trying to soften it. Yeah. You're trying to soften it for the other person. You're trying to soften it. Was he pissed? Oh, man, did I get my ass reamed out. Did you make the gig on time? We made the gig. It was all fine. Oh, this is the Philadelphia thing. I was late. No, no, no. Well, Pennsylvania. But either way, it was ugly. But I thought I could make it because I had the A train. I was literally on the A train. I said, I'll be there in five.

You know, five is a loose term, but I thought I could make it in five. It's three stops. His whole peeve is that it's not a loose term. It's not a loose term. People just take it because it's divisible of ten? I guess. It's just one of the idiosyncrasies. I would almost call it, even though it's not, but you said you don't do them, it's your version of a platitude. You're just offering something that's going to ease them, but it's not sustainable. Yeah, and it bites you in the ass later. It's better to bite it up top. That's why I like that she said, I'm sorry. Yeah, I like the sorry too. About the haircut.

Although I do think you look, I mean, you honestly look so good. It's why my legs have been crossed this whole episode. Let me see that fucking hog. No, no, no, no. Come on, let me see it. What if I didn't? It's just a fucking rock hard pocket. Blur it, blur it, blur it. Patreon.com.

funny about lasers we built these lasers we thought it was gonna be shooting aliens and burning people's eyes out and it just ah we got some jews hair off yeah that's about it and a vagina so much is so much technology is is is to be weaponized and is created for that

It's nice that something that was originally meant to shoot aliens and burn people's eyes out, or at least let's give this Jewish person a little less neuroses. Yeah, and LASIK is pretty amazing. It's kind of burning their eyes out, though. Ah, true, but it helps them. Have you had it? No, my friend had an idea to give him a ride. Because, you know, when you get out of there, you're a little wonky. You can't drive after LASIK? No, it's like an abortion. Right.

Although you could drive after an abortion. It's not like an abortion. There aren't people protesting outside. Don't you dare get rid of those eyes. I'll tell you something. If prescription glasses were part of the same pharmaceutical company that all of our drugs are, I bet you it would be an issue. The government has... They don't care if you're sick. They just want to keep you alive so you can pay for more. My eyes, my choice. Good merge. Yes. But you make choice look really blurry. No.

That's great. We have a good time here, though. That's fun stuff. Any other peeves? That's a great peeve. Good peeve. Go ahead. I'll tell you. All right. How about this one? This is a relationship peeve, so no offense. Are you seeing anyone?

No. Not with those eyes. But all right, so... You have great eyes. I have astigmatism when I take a picture. Holy shit. Man, I take it back. What the fuck? Put those back on, Googly. Good Lord. Oh, holy hell. Jesus. All right, so...

How about this one? Oh, fuck. I'm drinking here. Good God. You're hideous. Okay, so got to regroup. But how about this one? My lady does this. Hey, have you seen the remote game?

And I go, huh? The remote? There's like three places the remote could be. The couch, the table, or the chair, or whatever. And she's like, I can't find the remote. But she never looked. She's doing the where is the remote without looking. You got to look first, then ask me. Because then I walk in the living room and I go, it's on the arm of the couch. What are you, crazy? But she didn't look. She just goes, where's the remote? She had two seconds of I need this in my hand. It's not in my hand. I don't feel like looking. I'll ask you.

No look. It's kind of like when you text, when you're talking to somebody on text and they ask you a question that they could have Googled. Ah.

That's a good comparison. It's not a pet peeve of mine. I'm just saying it's like you just want me to do it for you. You want me to do it. That's what it is. You could have looked. I looked. So now I'm coming in and doing your job and giving it to you when you want it. I don't even want the remote. You want the remote. I'll go a peeve to jump off your peeve. Jump. Is when people say, where's the, and then they go, oh, here it is. You didn't even finish the sentence. You didn't finish the sentence. All the time. Yeah. Where's the, you just found it. Same vein. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you know, like, you didn't look. It's like you said, you just wanted me to do it.

And that one was so egregious that they didn't even finish the sentence before they found it. Yeah. So. Fuck, dude. I'm sorry. No, I'm just saying. That's horrible. We need a peeve. I'm furious. Yeah, yeah. Hey, bud. I'm sorry. Thank you. I needed that. It's not your fault. Thank you. Don't fuck with me, Sean. Yeah. How about any regs? You got a peeve? No, that was kind of my peeve. Oh, okay. I have another peeve that's in the lying category. Yeah, give it in. But it's more subconscious. When somebody tells you something that is when it's not. But they think, like, how do you spell Pepto-Bismol? P-E-P-O-N-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I-S-T-O-B-I

P-T-A-M-O-S-O-L. Maybe they put a question mark in there. At least with the question mark cadence, I know that you don't know. That's good. But what if you don't know? They say it and it's like, say, I think it's. Yes. Or it might be. People are so afraid to say, I don't know. They really are. Yeah. Talking to you, Twitter. Uh-huh. Pull up Twitter.

No, don't pull up Twitter. Just say, I don't know. Just say, I don't know. You're right. I don't know is hard. Yeah. No. You know what's hard? Having an identity that you might not know everything and projecting that onto other people. No, that's not hard. I'll tell you what's hard. 15 years in a Honduran prison. That's fucking hard. Yeah. I'll tell you what's hard. Rick's dicked after that haircut. Yeah, dude. That shit looks... That's a rocket. That's a cross leg for a reason. You have a sweet dong, dude. Thank you very much. I can tell you got a decent dong. You know how I can tell? Arm. Arm.

See that forearm? Does forearm show length of forearm? And then you got a solid bi, and you don't work out. I started working out again a little bit recently, but it's more physical therapy after my surgery. That's very different. I had a penis reduction. Your penis reduction? I did. I really did. Damn. I may have a short coming out of it. I really did. I'm so sorry. It's all right. It's 10 inches now. Oh, all right. You should have kept it small. Hard.

The guy doesn't know how to emphasize the thing to make it squirt. Yeah, my dick's only eight inches when it's hard. Well, they had a kid who was born with a gigantic dong and the doctor was like, we got to do surgery because he's going to die. And so they were like, we'll knock it down. So they left it at nine. Yeah, that's about bad. Your son is six pounds. His dick is five and a half. Yeah, yeah. Do you know that some people that penises, they don't get bigger, just fills with blood. So it just goes like this.

Oh, wow. I like the idea of one of those labs, like a little tiny baby in a pickle jar and his dick is just floating around. Shoot a laser at it. Yeah. Any wrecks?

Well, one that I have I kind of already did, which is if you have heartburn, stomach problems, indigestion. Diarrhea. Peppermint. Peppermint oil. Now, there's this brand that I love. This is going to be huge for us. And I've pushed it a lot. For me. It's called iB-Guard, and it's incredible. However, I mean, it's really a magic pill, and I've been pushing it to a lot of people. But I looked recently, and I didn't. I apologize. It has a green dye in it that is not one of the better food coloring dyes.

So I recently switched, although I still take it when I need it, but I recently switched to just natural peppermint oil. What the hell is that? It's really magic. Happy guard. Irritable bowel. If you're not feeling well, take it within 10 minutes. Whoa, cramping, diarrhea, bloating, constipation, gas. It gives you all of those. This just does the same shit as Pepto, but it's not as bad for you, you're saying? It's not getting rid of your acid. It's calming it down.

You know, I have a quick little anecdote. I had a lot of pasta. What a classy way to say I'm going to shit myself. Immediately. It's kind of like saying instead of saying poor and hungry, saying like food insecure. Yeah. You tell like they talk to some, you know, not obese. It's a person of size. That's a real one. Oh, yeah. So what's the anecdote?

I ate a lot of pasta and I put a lot of basil on it. It felt great. The next day I finished the pasta. It was out of basil. I had a stomachache. I thought, is it the pasta? Is it the basil? Later I found out, much like mint, it helps you with digestion. So eating basil, mint, is actually really, really good. But if you don't have it on you, IB guard.

You gotta try some, man. I'm gonna try some. Dude, I'm gonna order all this shit tonight. Hell yeah. You think this is a game, Rick? I'm fucking all in, dude. I'm getting magnesium, too. Magnesium helps you sleep, too. That's what I heard. But Mago 7 helps you shit. Oh, okay. And Magneto helps you get out of the Holocaust. And Magnanimous is what we should sometimes do to people in the room because we remember what it was like masturbating in a bath. Yeah, dude. Baths? Baths? You're sitting in your own semen. Well, yeah, you would have to shower. I always shower after a bath. What? What?

What are you doing? Three hours in the shower? I take a bath to relax, not to clean myself. And I almost only bathe in a hotel. I get nice hotels. I love a bath. You're like a rom-com. Thanks, man. Okay. My friend Nick Griffin, our buddy, has a bit where he said, he's on the phone with his friend. He goes, hey, I'm taking a bath. Let's go get lunch. He goes, that's cool. I'm not hungry anymore. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You're just sitting in your own stew. Your own filth. That's why you shower after. Or you can shower before. I know some people shower before getting in. Yeah, you gotta shower before so it's not like... I told you to shut the fuck up! Easy! But you gotta shower before. That's what they say. Oh, okay. I'm learning a lot here. This is a weird one. I have a rec for you that I haven't tried yet. Yeah. Um...

First, I'll tell you what I have tried. I don't do a lot of condiments. I know. I'm my mother's child. I guess she does, but unrelated. I love condiments. Very limited. But when you eat turkey, you need something. And a lot of these fun oils are not good oil. So I don't eat them. I recently started putting hummus. Hummus, pickles, turkey, and a lot of lettuce. I like that. But somebody suggested to me because I want to eat more fish because...

And I don't love mayonnaise, but I like tuna fish. He suggested, I haven't tried yet, instead of mayonnaise in your tuna fish, hummus. Whoa. Never heard of that. Yeah, me neither. I go ranch. Oof. Wow. I want to be goyish. It's like mayonnaise, but flavorful. Yeah. All right. Try it. Do you eat ranch? I'm not a big ranch guy. Okay. I like mayo, though. All right. I like mayo. I like mustard. Yeah, mustard on turkey is...

I do because I'm a deli boy. I'm a deli brat. And I love to get potato pancakes. So sometimes either pastrami or turkey or both. I'll get rid of one of the buns, one of the rye breads, and I'll make it the potato pancake on the top. And then I dip the whole. So it's pastrami and or turkey, lettuce. A lot of times I'll take the pickle. I'll cut so I have some slices, pieces of pickle. And I dip the whole sandwich into applesauce. Wow.

A great... I think I might do that tonight. Where's that at Subway? I think we're all done with the honey oat and the fake crab. Aren't you doing well?

You eat at Subway still? Well, I'm just saying they could add that to the roster. No, I don't eat at Subway anymore. You're trying to connect to the common folk by talking about Subway? Well, I like kids. But no, I don't. I ate Subway every day for like five years. I used to too. Yeah. I don't like Subway, but I thought Jared was terrific. Yeah. You heard what happened, what he did with him and Chris Rock, right? Huh? How he hit Chris Rock. Hit him? Like Will Smith? The Oscars. Jared Fogle? The Subway guy.

I thought that was Will Smith. I'm confused. You just confused Jared Fogle and Will Smith? Yes, and I'm embarrassed. I want to say this out loud. Yes, they were two very influential people when I was a kid. True. And I truly just messed up the subway pedophile with the king. And I'm sorry. All right. No problem.

They look alike. I'm not saying Subway is good. I'm saying it'd be nice if Sandwich Shop started carrying some shit like this. What's a sandwich shop? Quiznos, Jersey Mike's, the other one. That's why there's all this fucking trash fake bread bullshit. Yeah. And then there's proper delicatessens. Yes. And if you want to go to a sandwich shop, go to a deli.

Yeah, there's also so many good sandwich shops in New York that aren't those chains. I mean, you could... And same with Los Angeles. You could support these good sandwich shops, you know? Yeah. Also, just like better quality everything. Yeah. Papa John's. That's their slogan. Better ingredients, better quality Papa John's. A few more schlurs, but better quality. It's crazy. Like, anybody that is at like...

Dave from Wendy's anybody that is a character, but also a person from something Yeah, Colonel Sanders. He had plantations. I think oh yeah like all these people have all this history So if we think about like when you you know who's the one good one and it's also it's made up and he does so much for children and charity Ronald that's right Ronald McDonald Ronald McDonald house. Yeah that helps kids Yeah, Ronald McDonald. They had to have a fake owner and

to be the spokesperson because everyone else has so many demons. And you get to write. Whoa. Well, look who's talking, Dad. Look who's talking too. Bruce Willis, glass on the floor, not Jewish. Aha. But I was going to go with Dad with the Chief Wahoo. We all got skeletons. Should we? We do. I mean, if we're lucky. That's a good point. And if you've got a skeleton in your closet, there's been a gay guy in there for too long. Nah.

This has been a fun one. I think the weed just kicked in, by the way. Oh, good. It took a little bit. Right in time for your table read right after this. I didn't have much. I didn't have much. Oh, good. Is that an anxiety thing? Does that help you medicate? I just love it. And I was excited when we were doing this. And we had to change the time because of this work thing. And I don't really drink. So I wanted to get like...

I wanted you guys to get drunk and me to get really high to have a very silly time. So I just had it in my head. I'm like, I just did another podcast today and I didn't want to do anything. But for this one in particular, I'm like, I want to get a little something. All right. We like that. Kind of the tone of the show. Yeah. But I had it too late.

A little altered. Well, Rick. I'm an altered boy. Is there anything you want to plug? I mean, obviously, Shoes Off Podcast. Take your shoes off podcast, sure. Great pod. I have a thing that's coming out, but. Look how cute. Wait, go back up. Look at those photos. Boy, you photograph well. Thank you very much. Look at that guy. Thank you. Hello.

Would you? Yeah. Thick head of hair. Good chest. He said, would you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's sweet. So I... Zach Braff, man. Killing it. Yeah. Well, it's all downhill after that. But I mean, really good stuff out of the gate. No, look, I got Fahim. He's big. We love Fahim. I got my family right there. Taren Killam, he's on SNL. Yeah. Oh, Giannis, Will Sasso. Okay. Jim Jeff. Look at that. 140. Hey, Muriel. 148.

How do we get Jim Jeff? What do you know that we don't know? Look at that. He's never in New York. Oh, yeah, true. Hey, pull up. You could cut this out. I don't know if you guys have seen this. Hit 144. Watch the beginning of this. Edit this out because this is self whatever the thing is. Self-promotion. This is good for your pod. All right. Well, if you guys don't care, but I want you to watch how cool this intro is. I can't wait to see it.

Holy shit, it's like a Street Fighter 2. Yes, it is. Street Fighter 2 is an inspiration. Okay, big flight to New York cross-country. Shout out to Tom Bates who animated this, but we worked on it together. Tommy! When he did it. Okay, we got a giant green dick on the Empire. This is insane, dude. Wow! This must have cost you a fortune. Whenever I do a sleepover, whenever I take my stuff on the road, it's called the Sleepover Series. Oh, wow.

This is bringing me back to my youth. Damn, I miss these video games, like Streets of Rage. Come on, how cool is this? Look at this. You got Home Alone. You got Jay-Z, Will Smith, Howard Stern, Trevor Noah, me. Oh, my God. I have different outfits. Now we're in your hotel. Comedy cell. Oh, my God. You're picking the location. Come on. Isn't this awesome? This is incredible.

Let's just play the pod. Can we make this a double length podcast? And this podcast will play at the end. Well, you guys should get an Emmy for that. At least a nomination. It's really, it's really. So cool. So plugging the podcast, I guess. I mean, I'm really, really proud of this podcast. And my team and I do such a great job with it. And I just. I have no memory of this. It was cold out, I guess. There's the germaphobe coming out. Oh, I wiped my nose on that one. Sorry. Sorry.

Are you going back on the road, Rick? I've never... I went on the road for a year, like five years ago. I've never done the road. I'm starting just now. I've never done it. I've done like 15 times ever. Oh, the public, they're clamoring. We don't need to look at this anymore. But I have this basketball thing that's coming out. What's that?

Sam, I talked about it on our podcast, but I was kicked out of a basketball game five years ago, which was kind of the inciting incident to a real-life discovery into self-awareness. And it was a really big, powerful moment in my life. But the email that was sent, I was in Bill Lawrence's basketball game. He's Scrubs, and he did my show on Datable and Ted Lasso, and he's a very successful guy. Big showrunner, producer. I'm in his basketball game, and he sent me an email saying some of the guys in the game don't like playing when you're here. Whoa.

Too aggressive and blah, blah, blah. Well, your shoes weren't on. And they... Incidentally, one of the issues was I tied my shoes too much. That's hilarious. Because I kept having to... But that wasn't why I got kicked out. But...

they've invited me he invited me back um but he said maybe you should leave for a little bit because in my head in my head you're playing to hard and you're doing whatever you you feel like you need to do and also being silly and loud and whatever it is and a lot of them they're some of them are you know close to 50 and they're comedy writers and they're just looking to like have a good time cut to the fucking hoop you know and uh but he sent me this email that was a beautiful email it was what I want a barber to do for me which is just hey Rick I don't know if you know how people see you yep but there's some issues here um

and that email was beautiful and also really hard to... I felt really bad. Ouch. And I made this thing. Joel McHale plays Bill, and the script is the email that he sent me. Whoa. We added stuff to it. That's awesome. I saw Joel McHale in the trailer thing he made. Yeah, it's called I Am Phenomenal. That's so cool to use this heartache and make...

art out of it oh i was writing something incidentally pitching it with bill this was years ago and i ended up working on something else and i wasn't allowed to but i filmed this thing that was just for me to help me write it because when you i found that when i edit stuff i come up with ideas so let me do that once um and then we were pitching the show and i never finished it and i filmed it a few years ago yeah and i was watching it with my editor shout out john michael recently and it's really funny so we made a new ending and we kind of frankensteined it together

I'm telling you guys too much about this. Well, is it out? Can we see it? What is it? It'll be out. It comes out August 29th. Oh, I can't wait. That's very exciting. Because I think Rick Glassman has this great photo of him playing against LeBron James in high school, which is just an insane thing. Now, I heard he's really good. Rick's really good. Somebody told me that he was, I think, playing a pickup game with someone, like somebody in entertainment. And they're like, hey, man, you got to dial it back a little bit. Hit that, Baldy.

Catch the fucking ball, dude. You're not aware of how other people perceive you. What are you talking about? Good take, you idiot. Whoops. Are you not entertained? Got it. Are you fucking nuts? I am phenomenal. I got big balls. I got a cool guy haircut. I got...

I love that, though. Love it. It looks awesome. Yeah, I sent you some clips. Yeah, it was really funny. Thank you. Oh, man. I'm curious as to... Joe McHale, amazing comic actor. Oh, he's great. Great timing. Man. I re-watched a few community apps recently, and I'm like, God damn, is that guy funny. Oh, yeah. He's great in TED. Remember we were watching TED? Yes, that's right. He's Bill Murray-esque. Yeah. He worked with Chevy Chase on Community, and he played Chevy Chase in A Futile and Stupid Gesture, and...

He did Chevy Chase. Yeah, he killed it. I mean, he's so good at that. It's also a very similar alpha energy type of thing. Yeah. You know? I love that movie. That movie was so fun. Yeah, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, there was something I wanted to ask you. Now I'm blanking. I hope you're getting some love on this pod. You put so much work into it. It's been doing well. Okay, good. I hope so. I'm not part of any of the groups. You know, like incidentally, I love that you guys had me on this and I love when you do the pod, but...

That's why I came out to New York to do podcasts. I want to start doing other people's stuff and try to have other audiences find it. It helps. Yeah. You got to share. Spread the love. Definitely listen to Rick's pod. He puts so much work into it. Thank you. It's fun. This is nice. You throw me for every time I do it, I think it's going to be this and then it's that. Also, people love you, but you've done it, I think, four times? No. Three times at least.

Three. We'll say three. I've done it just once. I know. Whenever you're back in LA, I'd love to have you. I think you had a clip go viral off of that. Did I? I think you did. I don't know. Pretty sure you got a big clip from that. I can't remember what y'all talked about. The amount that I first found out about you, no offense, this was years ago, everybody was commenting to have you on. Well, we have a weirdness that gels with...

Pun intended. Hey, there we go. Yeah, there's a weirdness. It's nice seeing you...

Be so accepted for your... Obviously, you developed a craft around it. Right. But I could so empathize, and I'm projecting, I don't know if it's true, but being a kid, what it was like for you and all the jokes that you had to do and how uncomfortable you were. Sure. And then to be able to figure it out. But I connected to you very fast over that. Well, I think... You got kicked out of a basketball league, basically. And I think that's the key to comedy is...

I'm a weirdo. You're a weirdo. You're a weirdo. You got to find the worst thing about you and kind of it.

That's why you see fat guys who are comics are like, I'm the fat guy. Because they're like, I hate this about me, maybe. And that's what you guys love about me. I remember the year we all met was we were on New Faces together in Montreal. And I remember Mark, it was like 2013 or something. I remember Mark came up to me. He's like, there's this guy, Rick Glassman, on my show. And he's so weird and great. I loved it. And I was like... Oh, cool. So Mark was talking you up to me. And I was like, oh, I don't know. And then, you know, and then...

I think we just knew each other by face. I just know. I see your clips all the time. For years, I don't know. I remember when you came on, I didn't remember that we met at New Faces. But I thought you didn't know who I was. I feel bad remembering that. I only remember a few people from our New Faces. There's two shows of 14, right? There's 28 people or something? I remember everybody in my class. Pete Davidson, Chris D, Damian Lemon. We had a good group.

But what you were saying about using this thing and heightening it, I feel is definitely a big device in comedy and probably one of the first ones we learn. But it does come from a place of defense. Yes. And shame and fear. And you're using it and you're turning it. And that's a great tool. Yeah. But to me, it's a bit surface. And then once you kind of get what it is and who you are and

And I mean this as corny as it sounds, like truly learn to accept yourself. You're not needing to heighten those attributes, but you're not running away from them. Yes. It's like the N word. It hurts. It's horrible and it bothers people, but you can spin it and make it endearing. Sure. Give me an example.

Well, let's see. He only does that off camera. There's N-words and there's black people. No, no, no. And N-words have got to go. But yeah. I don't even want to talk about pastries. Well, we got to wrap because we got, we got. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. But, but, uh, Mark, both of you guys plug some stuff. Yes. You guys literally are just on my website. All right. All right. I'll be all over the road. Uh,

you know, clubbing, coming to clubs, theaters, marknormancomedy.com, San Jose, New Haven, Toronto, Royal Oak, Michigan, Orlando, uh,

Iowa City, Lincoln, Nebraska, Minneapolis, Portland, Oregon, Portland, Maine, Seattle, Vancouver, New Orleans, Boston, Philly, Nashville. It sounds like you forgot the song. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, but you did it on order. Oh, I don't know that song. You never learned that song? Remember all the states? No, no. I got them up here. Check out the Netflix special, please. Same time tomorrow. Oh, when does it come out? September 1st.

That's right around the corner. Hey, Bodega Cat. Yes. Beards.com. Get on that. I'll be in Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, Oklahoma City, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. See you on the road. We might be drunk pod.com for all the merch. Beards you. We love you. Matt Peters. I do a thing. Please. I could tell you after or now, but I want you to keep it wrong because I want this for my podcast. I want to show it. Hit me.

Go to this website, please. Tyso, T-Y-S-O, cards, C-A-R-D-S dot com. Oh, you got your own playing cards. I do. No, I do trading cards. Scott Hepburn, unbelievable artist. Click here, and I make them a previous guest, and I would love to make you two with your permission and tell me who you... How cool are these? Whoa, it's like a caricature.

There's Eric Griffin, there's Mark Maron, there's Blake Griffin. That one looks awesome. Yeah, aren't these amazing? The new ones that just came out, click the Vegas Dads, that's my family. Eric Griffin looks like Wario. He's Mr. Potato Head. Ah, Cousin Teddy. These are the Dragon Ball Z guys. Aren't these awesome? These are so good. I mean, this brings me back to my youth, that kind of art.

Love it. I'd love to be included in the card game. Sam, would you like to be a card? I would be honored. Who would you be? Jeez. Could be from any universe of any inspired. I love the Mariners. Isn't that amazing? That's phenomenal. Yeah, he's unbelievable. I want either Wolverine or Captain America. I'm already Wolverine. I'll be Captain America. Tell me why you see yourself as a Captain America. I just liked him always. Did you really? Could he be Captain America before he goes in the chamber and gets strung?

Okay. I don't want him anymore. I'll give you the shield still. Really? You have the shield, but he can't pick it up. Who else could I? Who's a good person for me? Spider-Man. Yeah, because you're lanky. You're Peter Parker-esque. You're long. All right. Give me Spider-Man. Who do you see yourself as? I want like an old school detective comics. Dick Tracy? Dick Tracy?

Dick Tracy. Or like Detective Comics as in like actual DC comics. Like Robin or Batman, but that old yellow background, very primary colors, they're swinging in. You know who you'd be great as? It's obvious, and it's Detective Comics. Uh-huh. Well, technically it wasn't, but it's Batman. I'll take it. No, no, not Batman. I'm saying it's in Batman. Riddler.

Yeah. I don't see that. I don't know. Well, you're not Joker because Joker doesn't have jokes around him. But as a comedian. All right. I don't know. I see you. You have his frame. You're doing little riddles. Like remember what you did about the Uber? Yeah. And it was about DUIs. Yeah. That's more of a fun fact. You don't connect to it. All right.

I don't know. We got to roll because we got a friend waiting for us. We love you guys. Rick, you're amazing, guys. This is a great episode. Thank you for having me. Thank you for my last four minutes of commercials. Thank you, guys. Thanks for listening. Sunday's the day for my next event. Hold it the same way. A father in danger. I'm out to lunch here at noon. This woman does it all.