Ep 93: Raanan Hershberg
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Hey! Yeah! We're here. We're doing it. We're back. We might be drunk.

Good to have you. How the hell are you? We've got a buddy Ron on Hirschberg with us. He's got a new special out on YouTube. What's the name of the special? Jokes from the Underground. I was there. It was a great special. Watch this special. Good to see you, man. Thanks for having me. Yeah, it's great to be here. Yeah, if you want me to relapse on the show, I can. Really? Really? Would you do that? We got you non-alcoholic beer.

Am I your first sober person? No. Who else? We had List on. We had Burr. Right. Yeah, never mind. That's crazy that I thought I'd be your first. There's a lot of sober comics. There's so many sober people now. You're saying you had List before me? How dare you? You're saying you had Bill Burr before me? Yeah.

You know, um, they beg to be on, but, uh, yeah, no, I won't realize, but I'll drink, uh, yeah, I'll drink the non-alcohol. It kind of gets me drunk. Really? Well, it's like a psychological thing. Um, right. Cause it's like the, the, I don't know. It just makes me feel drunk. Um,

yeah i guess i guess i'm susceptible to hypnotism well i mean they say like 68 percent of pills are placebo really and they just people buy it the mind is such a fucking cunt yeah and my mind is especially cunty you know like if i if i think you know during the covid shit when like

if I thought I had COVID, I'd have all these symptoms. And then the minute the rapid test came back negative, they'd all go away. That's so true. Isn't that crazy? That happened to me too. I mean, do you, will you have these ever? Will you drink these? Yeah, I do. But I, I really need to stop because I'm just getting fat and not getting drunk. It's like, you get all the bad parts. Yeah. It's like decaf coffee of alcohol. You know, you just get the shits, but you don't have the energy. No one's ever like, I need a cup of decaf coffee.

No, no. It's the same with, do you ever fuck women you're not attracted to on the non-alcoholic beer?

I mean, I've done it sober, so I guess I've done it on the non-alcoholic beer. I'm going to have a regular beer, but I do want to try the non-alcoholic. Yeah, yeah. I've never tried it. It's good shit, man. It's like beer, but it doesn't give you the thing that you want from beer. Yeah, right. I always looked at non-alcoholic beer like a blow-up doll. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Where I'm like...

Well, why not nothing? Right. You know? Right. You mean it's better to just not. To just not. Just have like a soda or something. No, for sure. Yeah. I mean, the only reason I drink it is because it actually does get me drunk sometimes. Oh, that tastes pretty damn good, though. Well, maybe I'm about to take this back then.

Yeah, well, I heard somebody compare having sex with a condom is like having non-alcoholic beer. And I'm like, that's not true. Because condom sex is still fucking. Yeah. It's still sex. Yeah, there's still a person there. Yeah, exactly. It's definitely true, because I'll have this and I still won't have sex with a condom. So I feel like I definitely have a difference. Ah, good point.

Well, that's speaking of mental. I mean, how many times have you seen ingrown hair on your dick and you just go down this spiral of like, what have I done? Who am I? I got to make some changes. I hate myself. I got to call my mom. Every day. It's just, if you go through, like I went through like a day once recently. I was like, I had like, I think 14 different fears that day. Just like different. Oh, yeah. And it's just like, with everything now, it's just like COVID, monkey pox. Right. I'm always terrified of bed bugs. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I had those. I think it feels like God doesn't want anyone to interact with each other. Yeah. It's like stay away from everyone because everyone's just going to give you COVID and herpes and bedbugs. God talks to his messengers on Zoom. Yeah.

Yeah, just all do it on Zoom. Yeah, because it is like, it's just so much, yeah, so much fucking stress. It doesn't taste bad. It tastes great. You know what? It's missing that, the kick. It's like there is. It's missing the purpose of beer. Yeah, it's missing like, well, you know when you have that one little like, there's like that little, I don't know. It's alcohol. It's missing alcohol.

You're like, it's missing the thing that I like alcohol. The one thing it's lacking is the point of it. I feel like I'm still here. That's the problem. You know what it is? It's like a body without a soul. Hey, there you go. That's a good ad. It's a body without a soul.

Who needs a soul? Fuck, we've got too much soul. Yeah, but I don't know. I get susceptible. I guess it's part of my hypochondria. I get susceptible, so when I drink this, I feel a little woozy. Yeah. Well, didn't Tom Cruise just have a big flip out about... Or no, he had a flip out about antidepressants years ago, and it resurfaced, and turns out he was kind of right or something? They're saying he was... I don't know. You always say they. I'm like...

The internet is they. They keep saying like he was on it. Like doctors have gone back and been like, he was on to something here. Well, I mean, definitely not from where he's coming from. Because he's like, Xenu told me not to do it. Sure, sure. Like that's not, like the scientists aren't like,

Yeah, Xenu and Ron L. Humbert, they were correct. But I mean, I think it depends. I mean, I'm on antidepressants. It helps me. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't. I know it fucked up, right? I'm pretty depressed on it. Yeah, exactly. You're like a wet blanket over here, not working. Yeah, imagine if I wasn't on it. Yeah. Well, I got to tell you, I grew up with a scary dad, like pull up in the driveway, dad's home, you know, battle stations, go hide. And he got on antidepressants and he's like, how are you?

He's like Henry Winkler now. It's great. It's weird. And I'm still like flinching around him. But it's wild. And obviously, I don't think it works for everyone. I do think it's over-diagnosed. I will say this. Everyone who's ever committed suicide...

should have been on antidepressants. You don't think there's some suicides? Except for Hitler. Except for Hitler. We could have saved Hitler. It's a real tragedy. Hitler, Epstein, if they were only medicated. Well, Hitler got a lot done. They both did. They both did, yeah. Very efficient people. But...

you know, I just read biographies on Hitler now. That's all I do. I'm like obsessed with Hitler. I've always said you need more Holocaust jokes. You don't have enough. He's got six million of them. Someone recently was like, I forget who, some guy was like, what's up with you Jews all being into Hitler? Well, I mean, he started

I wouldn't say we're into Hitler. Well, no, I'm pretty into Hitler. I mean, he is fascinating. You can't deny it. He definitely began the interest. We would not have been into Hitler if he was showing signs he was into us first. Yeah, yeah. Of course, of course. Wasn't he a halfie or something? No. You always hear that they always say he was a half Jew. His mother's Jew.

No, no, no. I've read 12 biographies this month. Come on. I'm on the internet. The internet is not... This whole they thing, that was a theory, but it's not true. I'm just trying to be nice to trans people. They, them. It would suck if he was Jewish. He'd be like, I guess he's a victim of the Holocaust. But I did read... This sounds like a joke, but it's true. His father, his...

His father changed his last name to Hitler. Oh. And so he had a different- It was originally Goldstein. Yeah, no, it was. It was. I'm not getting this right, but it was something that-

would have hard to get a hail going, because hail Hitler sounds good. It's great alliteration. And in the biography, they're literally like, he probably would have become Hitler because it's hard to get like a hail Schicklgruber going. Yeah. It was literally like Schicklgruber. Really? Yeah. It was Schickl, you can look that up. I believe it was Schicklgruber. So if he didn't take his name- He would have just opened like a bratwurst restaurant. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, he might have been like kind of a Nazi there, like a soup Nazi, just to that level. Right. A bratwurst Nazi. But like the service here is really bad. That's it. But that's it.

But yeah, Schicklgruber. Like, Hail Hitler is so catchy. It is. Because he changed... It's like that Call Me Maybe song. Yeah, exactly. Because he changed... Because the father changed his name to Hitler, six million Jews died. That's fucking fascinating. If it was Schicklgruber, no one's like...

do you hear about this new Schickl Gruber guy? Like, no. You're right. That's true. Hell Schickl Gruber. You wouldn't have got it going. Name helps. Yeah. Name does help. Maybe like, can we call you Schickl or Gruber? And then you think about how many Jews change their name in show business. John Stewart's John Leibowitz. Why do you think I'm struggling so much? I just fucking changed my name.

Your agent's like, we can't get you booked in the Midwest. It's just that Hirschberg. You can't even fucking spell my name. It's insane. Yeah, well, you got a lot of A's in there in the first name. It's insane. I should have changed it, but I'm from a different time. You can't change names. Now you have to change names to be more ethnic. So I came from the wrong time. You know what I mean? I'd have to change it to like Ronan Hirschberg Bagel Lox and Cream Cheese. I don't know. You have one of my favorite jokes, the one about your grandparents, uh,

Going to... Are you like a Jew from Kentucky? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd that go again? It's like... I live in New York now. People are like, how did a Jew end up in Kentucky? Because I'm from Kentucky. And I'm like, well, when my grandpa left Europe before the Holocaust, he wasn't very picky. He wasn't like, I don't know. I'll switch to Louisville. Let me think about it. That's a great bit. Well, it was...

It is like... I don't know. This is not the pet peeve section, but... Lay it on us. Lay it on us. There's no order. Jews in New York... The Jews only live in New York, in Israel. They don't realize we're like a scattered tribe. We're all over the fucking place. There's Jews in Tucson. There's Jews in Tucson. There's Jews everywhere. It's like they really are just cockroaches. They go...

I get why anti-Semites hate us. We just show up everywhere. We're just going to click Jews or cockroaches. And just think, how many would it be without the Holocaust? I know. Jesus Christ. We kind of needed it just to keep that. I know. It would be overwhelming. Someone else said that. Someone said, who was that? Maybe it was Joe. Someone was like, you know, there was less Jews in...

There's more Jews in Germany before the Holocaust than there are now or something like that. And I'm like, yeah, the Holocaust was a real setback. Yeah, you didn't know that, huh? It is interesting how Hitler, it's like Trump where the ratings just go up if he's on it, you know? Yeah. Like there's a Hitler, the History Channel is called the Hitler Channel. CNN plummeted after Trump. Exactly. Hitler, I will say Hitler's, I've been,

basically a historian now. The minute I turned 38, I just started reading Hitler biographies. They just come in the mail. And I've read like seven. I'm watching movies now where I'm like, that's not historically accurate. You're Neil deGrasse Tyson with Gravity. But with all just like Schindler's List. That's who you like to see movies with. The guy who sits down and goes, ah,

Right. Well, you know, but yeah. I know what you mean. It is just, I've gone in deep, you know. Oh, yeah. And it's, you know, not good because I know it's good qualities now. Oh. You know, I'm just like. The painting or what's the good stuff? Well, he was a shitty painter, but he loved dogs, you know. Against smoking. Smoking's not great. Really?

Hated Jews. Yeah, yeah. Good point. Good point. I'll give you that one. But yeah, I don't know. Evil is interesting. It is. It's just fucking interesting, you know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, Trump just got raided, you know? I don't know.

That's fun. That's what they said. Yeah. That's going to be an interesting thing. Did they find anything? Apparently, Milani was flushing all the coke down the toilet. I don't think they're not going to be able to release the information, I think. Oh, really? We shouldn't talk about this. This is coming out in like a month.

Oh, good point, good point. Yeah, we should just talk about Trump being in jail. Or being a president. We'll do a choose your own adventure. Which one do you want to hear? Is Trump going to be president or in jail? We live in a real all or nothing type society. Are you going to be the leader or at the very bottom? Martyr Lago. Oh.

All right. I'll see you all in hell. But yeah. Oh, I saw a giant, the biggest fight ever. I was telling Sam on the, I did a show at Tacoma Comedy Club, a giant fight in the audience. Oh, yeah, like a melee out in the crowd? I mean, huge. Worst I've ever, I've never seen any. One time I did a show, it was opening for Madigan at the town hall here, and the lights just came on in the middle. Some old lady smacked someone else and they escorted her.

out, but I didn't really see it and it wasn't that big a deal. This time I'm on the show and

And they apparently asked this guy to leave. And the security asked him nicely three times. And the third time, the guy... And I got to get this right, because I kept on saying chokehold. And Joe List was like, don't say chokehold. That's like an MMA term. That's not nearly as bad. He strangled him. He started choking him. Like, actually choking him. And the security guard passed out for a second. Five people jumped on him, punched him. The lights went on. I'm just standing there. How big was the security guard that he did it to? What? How big? He was small. Yeah.

Yeah, he was small. There's an epidemic of tiny comedy club security guards. That's true, yeah. Well, I'm looking, I'm like, that dude's not going to help. He was small, yeah. It's a failed comic. I'm pretty sure it was an elementary school kid. I was at Caroline's once, and there was a guy in the front row, and he just wouldn't let me get a joke out. And he was a scary-looking dude. It was like 15 minutes of this, and I kind of turned, I'm like, are you going to toss him or not? And the guy walks over, and he whispers. And the guy, he just was like this and walked away. I was like, what? He said no. Uh-huh.

Whoa. That's usually not what toss means. Yeah. At the same time, like, yeah, I don't blame you. I'm scared of him too. Wow. Would you mind leaving? No. All right. All right. That's valid. What if the cops did that? OJ, we're taking you in. Nah, I'm good. All right. Well, that's why you didn't go the first time. But yeah, I mean, no. Well, good for him for trying. He did a great job. And I talked to him after in security guard. He was unfazed. I was like in a trauma blanket on the street. But he was like...

He was unfazed. They did a great job of kicking the guy out, but the lights turned on, and I'm just standing there. This is like 30 minutes into my set. And the guy in the crowd choking him is a tough-looking dude? Yeah, really tough-looking. How old? The population of people I think are tough-looking. It's pretty wide, but yeah, he was pretty tough-looking. How old are we talking? He's probably like 30s, but this was like Manchester by the Sea, like abrupt violence. I'm like, how did that guy...

in society. The guy quietly asked him to leave a third time and he just started strangling him. I'm like, how is he? Well, Tacoma is like a blue collar kind of rough belty tough town, you know? It's a snowy city. Yeah. Well, the worst part is I was doing abortion material and it was kind of tense. Yeah. And then they kicked him out and the lights went back down and I just went back to tense material. So there was no relief. Yeah, you're like,

They should have aborted that guy. I did say that. Okay, good. All right, you gotta say that. I was like, thank you for proving my point. But here's the saddest part about all that. It's a horrible thing. A guy got strangled. It fucks your setup. You're in a trauma blanket. But at the end, you're like, did you get the clip? I didn't get the clip.

I didn't get the clip. I did it. That happened to me at one of their clubs once. I had like the greatest crowd work moment I've ever had. Yes. And I was like, did the camera roll? They were like, is that a bad one? I had the same thing in Phoenix. Have you all seen Nope? It's like the camera just breaks whenever there's anything. No, I haven't seen it. Well, you'll get it eventually. What did you think? I heard mixed. It's interesting. It's fascinating. But I...

Yeah, it was I didn't feel but I don't know if I want to capture him But it would have captured my like in those situations Comics people love comics in that situation because it's not that hard to come back. Yes. Yes as long as you don't shit yourself in the fetal position They're like you're a fucking genius. Exactly. Well, you say really in material, right? Moment is like he just was composed. Yeah Yeah, it's really all you have to do is not shit the bed. Yeah, exactly

It's the same thing if you're before an all-black crowd. If you're the one white guy and you just don't shit your pants, you're like, I like this guy. You know what I mean? But I... I want to see the one white guy go up there that's all black. He's like, ah! I shit myself! If you just act like a white guy, you'll kill. You're like, oh, man. It was scary on the way up here. They're like, ah!

I always thought that'd be so funny for a late night at comic to just come out and just be like, oh, I just shat myself. But I was really in a bad mood too because the club is great, but fucking... I don't know. Can I... I was headlining earlier and Carlos Mencia was headlining later that night and he wouldn't let me use the green room. Damn. This is recently? This was the show. Oh my God. So I get there and they're like, you can't use the green room. Carlos Mencia's merch is in there. So like my fucking...

What the fuck? I couldn't be in the green room because of a fucking hacked fucking merch. Wow. You got outshined by merch. Not only that, I hear he's doing a bunch of Holocaust material on the road right now. Well, I wanted to leave my joke notebook in there to have him talk about a loud Jewish mother. He's Mexican, right? Yeah. Half Mexican, half Irish. Carlos.

My mother was always like, Carlos. I think it's Ned Hellness. The worst part about growing up Mexican is your loud Jewish mother. So I couldn't go in the green room, so when the fight happened, I got nowhere to go.

know where to go. Yeah. His merch is fucking protected, whatever that is. A shirt with a joke he stole from George Lopez or whatever. Oh, damn. Going in. Does he still sell a lot of tickets there? Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I think he does well. That's why that happened. Yeah.

Well, we got to let you go. We got Sam's shirts are coming in. We got some bugs. We got Mencia on coming right after this. Next episode is just you all and Carlos Mencia's koozie. You're just talking to that. Mencia's like, this guy keeps kind of coming to my green room. That's where my shirts are. At least the club, I mean, I know the kid went down. He got strangled, which sucks, but at least he had your back. Club was great, yeah. Yeah, I did a... That's a good club. If we're naming names, I did Bananas and not Poughkeepsie.

- Hasbro Heights. - Hasbro Heights. - Right off that highway. - Right off the highway. - One of those. - Route 9 in Jersey. - Hasbro Heights just sounds so tough. - Oh my God. - Route 9. - The only good thing is you get those classic Jersey diners right around there. - Yes! - That's the only thing that area has going for it. - So true. So I'm doing bananas and I'm getting heckled mercilessly by a giant table of electricians. It was some union.

And I'm just dying out there. And I'm like, is anyone going to do anything? Like, this is fucking crazy. And the lady goes, there's 80 of them. That was her answer. And I was like, okay. And that was it. And I had to go back into material. That's why you don't sell to a group. The good clubs don't sell to groups that big. No, you can't. It becomes a private event. It's a corporate event. They control the show. Yeah, they had me by the balls. And I just, it was dance, monkey dance. And I just had to count the minutes. I once kicked. It was like an office party. I once kicked somebody.

30 people out of the show once. Wow. And I was the feature. It was a very, it was a very, it was a shitty move on my part. Let's hear it. How the hell did that happen? It was like an office party. They sat up front. I didn't realize it was an office party. And it all just get kicked out at once. Oh, okay. I like demanded, I think I saw Gary Goldman like demand someone get kicked out on a video or something. I'm like, I like that. Yeah. I'm gonna do that. I forgot he had been like headlining for like 50 years. Yeah, yeah. I'm like featuring at the Looney Bin. It's like my third time. Which one?

This was... God, shit, which one was it? It was Tulsa. Oh, okay. Or Oklahoma or Auschwitz. One of the three. And I was performing and it was just... They were just heckling right away. And I actually learned an important lesson because there was a cruise ship comic after me. And, you know, he...

They don't always have the best material, not always, but he had some really good insights. And I learned a big lesson because they were heckling so much that the minute I got on stage, I just started yelling at them, which is always bad. Yeah. To just not even let the audience see you. You're right. Like my first impression, their first impression of me was like, fuck you, you piece of shit. And then I'd also try to go into a joke and they'd be heckling and I wouldn't get to the end of the joke. And the cruise ship guy afterwards said, let yourself get to the end of the joke. Get to the punchline.

Then do it. But don't let them see you like, because you can still get laughs. Even if it's talky, you can still get laughs. I learned a lot from that. And just be quiet and let the crowd hear that. Yeah. When you're like quiet as possible. Exactly. Yeah, I learned a lot. The cruise ship comic later killed himself. But I learned a lot. I'm joking. But I learned a lot.

I learned a lot, but I kicked out three people and they kicked them out. Oh, wow. I'm like, get these fuckers out of here. I'm doing the Bill Hicks speech. Yes, you cunts. But they kicked out three, but the rest of the office party, they were still heckling, so they just kicked them out throughout the show. Wow.

So like 30 people by the end of the show. Are you addressing it? Like, yeah, get good riddance. Yeah, get him too. Oh yeah, fuck his wife. Yeah, I mean, yeah, fuck you. Yeah, yelling shit. Oh, good for you. They're yelling. That's kind of fun after a minute. Yeah. Like after the 13th one, you're like, this is like whack-a-mole. It is fun. I mean, they're yelling like, we'll see you in the parking lot, Jew. Oh.

Tulsa. We'll see you in the parking lot, Jew. Dane Cook's shirts are in the green room, so I don't know where to go. But so, but yeah, I learned a lot from that. But yeah, it's heckling. You shouldn't have to, like at a certain point, you don't want to have to like be good at dealing with it. It's brutal. And it's so frustrating too, because a lot of these crowds are like, you

You're like, shut up. They're like, well, you're not funny. I'm like, you haven't listened. The only way to get the joke is to, you got to listen to the setup and the punch. But they listen to the setup for four seconds and they go, I'm not laughing. Fuck this guy. I was at the airport. Not funny. Exactly. Nothing funny about you being at the airport. If you listen, I was going to get to a 9-11 twist, but you pulled out. I love when they yell. I was doing something about dating app because I'm a hack and I said something about Bumble. I was like talking about Bumble and I clearly understand.

Clearly I like a joke and I don't think dude did it yet. Materials hack. I was just joking. But I was doing a joke and someone yelled out, you should put a video of yourself on Bumble. That's what I said.

That's how you do it. I'm like, you think I'm just up here trying to get a dating advice? Yeah, exactly. Like, you really think I don't have a joke about this? I'm just like, how was the show? It was great. I got some really good dating advice. That's the main point. Oh, the worst is when they're just talking at the table and you have to be like, what's going on? I know. I had it the other night at the cellar. There's a table and I'm just like, they're talking so loudly. I'm like,

How's it going? You know one of those? And she was just like, oh, we were just talking, which I'm like, yeah, that phrase should never be uttered. We were just talking about what? We were just talking about a friend that's just like what you just said. Oh, cool. I got an excuse. The post-joke reflection, of course. Thank you. So, you know, I have to deal with them, and they're just... And I'm...

you're mad at yourself for not kind of slamming them, but at the same time, like, how do I do... What I'm trying to do is just get this back into material. Yes, yes. You can't look angry. You can't look angry. Definitely on the road. Sometimes in New York, you can be like, fuck you. Back in the day, you could. Back in the day, you could be like, fuck you, you whore. Now you'll get, like, a restraining order. Cancel. Right, tased.

Now you have to be like, fuck you, you respectable citizen, whatever. Yes. A lot of young comics saw that clip of Bill Hicks where he's like, you fucking cunt. And I'm like, yeah, that's not how you're supposed to do it. He's a great comic. That's not the move. He's a great comic. He might not have been consistent. Right, right. But he also was playing shitholes. That's the thing is when you have those ideas and you're playing dumb shit.

in the South. - Yeah, of course. - You know, he's not playing the eight rooms in the South. - No, he's in the sticks. - Which is amazing how well he could do doing like-- - Yeah. - He was a master at that. I mean, he really, I mean like, I've talked to comics who say like, yeah, he would go to the places that disagreed with him as opposed to the people now who are like,

I only play San Francisco and Portland. Yeah, exactly. That's like the modern Bill Hicks. He's like, I only do Burlington, Vermont. I'm doing 20 minutes at Chez. And they're like, I do jokes about making fun of racism. I'm like, that would be controversial if you're in Oklahoma. But if you're in Seattle, it's just pandering. Sometimes the same joke is pandering. And you really got to go to the sticks of Oklahoma. Oklahoma City is not. They're not on board with that shit. Tulsa's not on board with that shit. You really, you know, it's...

Yeah, he really was an incredible comic. Oh, one of the best. But some of those clips, you gotta be, as you said, you can't look angry. When you look angry, they've won. When you look angry, and this is much truer, I think, on the road with a view of comics, because there are times where you're having a great time, and then if you snap,

All the audience, even the ones who liked you are like, whoa. Because the truth is, even if you're doing well and this is part of it, most people in the audience, especially on the road, think of you as a birthday clown. And the minute you get mad, they see it as like a birthday clown yelling at a little kid. What kind of fucking balloon do you want? You know, they start getting mad because they think that you're there just to entertain them. Yes. And you are. And you are.

I mean, it's that, you know, comedy is a balance. Sure, there's some dignity to it. Artistic versus entertaining. It's like that beautiful yin and yang. But, like, when you snap, they're like, oh, like, wow, the birthday clown's getting mad right now. You know, you have to, like, you can't show real emotion on stage. But you snap a lot more early on when you're playing those. Yes. When you're just consistently in bad rooms. Yes. I don't really snap anymore because I'm pretty spoiled with the rooms I get to play now. Yeah.

But starting out, I was like, man, my fuse was like fucking. Oh, same. And we all snap. I think Pete Holmes said this once. I was like, it really stuck with me. He's like, you can always tell an amateur comic because they snap too soon. And I was like, that was just me. A hundred percent. Yeah. Whisper. I'd be like, shut up, you fucking kind of fucking. Same way. It's just like you just snap. You just we were just crazy back then.

It was just a different time. And you're young and you're bombing more and you're not making it. You're poor, so you're letting a little out on them too. You know how many shows I've done tonight? Fuck you. This shit works. All the anger, all the struggle just comes out in that one thing. Exactly. But it is. You can't. You got to. And I think now when people heckle, I'm pretty fun about it and just do it in a way where I'm like... Because you got to do it in a way where you can kind of like...

makes them look bad while not looking upset. Best thing I ever did, because you ever go to a club and they go, what do you want us to say if somebody heckles? If somebody heckles, do you have a thing, like a phrase, like get them a water? That means throw them out or whatever that bullshit is. Get them a water. And I always say, if someone heckles, don't do anything. Chit chat, get on that.

Get on the – because chit-chat to me is way worse than heckle. Heckle I can handle. I can make a joke out of. Chit-chat I'm just like – it's like a gnat in my ear and you're throwing me off and you start flubbing words. Like I just – what's going on over here? And it just ruins the show way more than a heckle. I actually mean – when I say heckle, like I mean chit-chat is the worst because it's indifferent. Yes. It's indifferent. It's just – heckle is actually fine because it's someone yelling out something. I can use that. You can use that. You can rip. It's not fine, but it's doable. It's doable.

It's doable. Chatting is just, A, it's indifferent. And then if it's a big room, only you can fucking hear it. Yeah. So you look like fucking, you look like Donnie Darko talking to like an imaginary person up there. No, a heckler is almost like, like a pussy being like, I'm guard. Yeah. Like, let's go. Let's go. But, you know, the chatter, it's like a dude just who keeps like flicking your ear. Yes. Where the hell is that coming from? Exactly. I was on stage at that same show. The fucking guy was doing a toast loudly in front of me. Oh.

Give it up for Charles. He was a good guy. He was in the Navy 20 years and the other guy's doing a thing. Not to sympathize. Like a one-act play. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, you know, I didn't. Not to sympathize. I'm like, what are you all, I go, what are you all toasting about? And they all look at me like, mind your own business. That's the funny part. Oh, that's the worst. You're the bad guy. Yeah, yeah. You're not. This isn't about you. This isn't about you. I seriously brought that up. I'm like, if I have such low self-esteem, I'm like, am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be. But it's like, I don't.

I don't go on stage with a microphone because I want to be ignored. Of course. I clearly want attention. So when someone's giving a toast in the front row, it's a perversion of the craft we're doing. Yes. And then we look especially like assholes because we're like, look at me with a microphone still being ignored. We look like even bigger assholes calling this a craft. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Did you have a code word for kicking people out? No, but I heard, I think what Mark was saying about the water. Mine was get that fucking cunt out of here. Yeah. Yeah.

I really, that's what I usually just say. Like, if it gets that bad, I don't mind looking bad. I mean, if I'm once, I never kick people out almost ever. So if it gets to that point, then usually they do it before I do. They're like all your fans, too. So it's a complicated. You know what the smoothest is? I think I was at the Houston Improv and I did a bunch of jokes. And, you know, you heard like,

something might have been weird for two seconds, like whatever. And then a couple hours later, you're having a beer in the green room. They're like, oh, we kicked like 12 people out. And you're like, what? Like, yeah, yeah. We just kept it quiet. I was like, man, you guys are good. Like ninjas. Happened to me at Houston Improv too, is that people in the front, I didn't even ask to kick them out. I was trying to save them. They were so drunk. They were like, do a shot with me. I'm like, I'm good. They're like, do a shot. I'm like...

Fuck it. What the hell? I'll do a shot. So I do a shot trying to save them. Yes. I'm getting drunk during the show trying to save this table. They're like, he's your biggest fan. Can he just have a picture with you? I'm like, during the show? All right, fuck it. I bring the mic over. I'm like, this is me trying to save this table. With the mic, I'm like, did you get your fucking picture? I'm fucking with him. I'm trying to save this. Basically.

They just keep going to the point that the staff kicked them out. And I was like, I tried. Yeah. I tried to help you. You did more than your part on that one. Yeah, but Houston, they're drunkers, man. They're drunkers and they're rowdy. Big room, too. That's the other thing. At the end of the day, it's just alcoholism. It's not personal. It is. You're literally just fighting alcoholism.

There was a comic, I think it was at Hilarities, and I forgot who it was. It'll hit me at some point, but his code word to kick someone out was, get this person a cola. A cola. And he was like, apparently kept saying, hey, get this guy a cola, because the guy was bad and no one does anything, and he just keeps saying, will someone get me a cola?

Fucking guy in cola. Get him a fucking car. I love those old stories. This guy, Jesse Pop, great comic. He started writing for Kona. Yeah, funny guy, hilarious. But he was at some show in Michigan, and the headliner was like this classic hack, you know, bag, like literally a briefcase full of props and jokes and tricks.

And Jesse Popp is featuring. He gets off. The host goes back on to stall because the headliner isn't there yet. He runs in with his bag of tricks. He's got a trench coat with a rubber chicken in it, the whole thing, and rainbow suspenders. And he goes, I'm here. I'm here. I'm ready. Okay. What's the mall in this town? What's the mall? And Jesse goes, the Starline Mall. And he goes, all right, Starline Mall. He's got an opener about the mall, the local mall. So he's sweating. He goes out there. And he goes, hey, everybody. I was at the Starline Mall.

mall today and Jesse goes oh shit that burned down five years ago so the crowd's like boom my uncle died in that fire he went from prop comic to edgelord in a second yeah the whole room just turned on him and he did like an hour after that to silence he's just Anthony Jezelnik now in suspenders yeah people being pulled out in blankets and uh women crying and

It was like a candlelight vigil. That's so good. Went to the bar. It was pretty hot. Yeah. Jesse Pop was so funny. I mean, I remember he had a bit. This was like right, the Huck Finn controversy. You remember the whole, you know, N-word gym thing? Sure. Yeah. He was the first guy I heard do a bit like this.

he was like you know do they censor n word jim do you know do you censor art do you censor old books right and he goes you know n word jim he goes i got a crazy idea how about just calling him jim that was such a great like that was right in front of all of us yeah he was great he had a million of those where you're like oh that's so good um yeah the worst i guess the worst echo but it was my fault did i ever tell you this the story i was i was at a

For the first four years, I was just performing at pizza restaurants, in the back of pizza restaurants in Indiana. I don't know why. That was just the market. And I'll have this show. And you know how when you're younger, you want to be edgy, but you're also like...

don't have the confidence or you're like a little kid with a gun. Yeah. I don't know how to use this. I'm going to say the C word. I don't know how to use this. You know what I mean? Which by the way, very relatable in Indiana. Yeah, exactly. There was some kids with guns in the audience. And I was doing a joke about SIDS, you know, dead babies, which is like, that's a hard joke for me to figure out now. Sudden infant death? Sudden infant death syndrome. That's like the hardest, like I couldn't, I wouldn't do a joke about that now. Right. And this was like, I was like four months in, it's like time to take on SIDS. Yeah.

I've gone through the ropes. Now it's really, I really got to challenge. I'm like four months in. It's time to challenge myself. See if I can get the audience back on my side. It's like, how about I try to get them on my side in the first place? So I go up and I do, I was probably a couple of years in, but I was doing, it was a couple of weeks ago, but I was doing, I was doing a Sid joke and this one guy was grilling me in the audience.

and like really grilling me. And even that, I'm such an asshole. Oh boy. I'm not even like, I'm just like, what the fuck's your problem? Meanwhile, Papa John's in the back going. Yeah.

You didn't say the N word enough. But other than that, no, that's, I did it too, dude. I did that early shit where like, well, you're just trying to provoke a crowd. Right. Because you're just trying to get, you're not funny, but you want, I'd rather be memorable. Right. But so, so what, what are you, what, you don't like the joke? And he goes, we had a kid who died. No.

And I just go straight into like my cleanest material. I'm just like, man, you ever been to the airport and gas prices? And I'm so fat. And oh, I overdrafted yesterday just doing like my cleanest stuff. You know what I mean? And after like 30 minutes, I guess I kind of get them back a little, you know? And then afterwards, I go up to the guy and say to his wife, and I'm like, I'm really sorry. And he goes, I was just joking. Ah!

I'm like, that's the best heckle ever. What a badass. I don't want to see that Fallon set where you do just like, oh, like sponges are weird. Then you get to your closer. So sit. What do you guys think? Dead babies, huh? But that taught me a lesson too. It's like, don't do a joke. If people get offended, you're going to crumble. Right. You can do a joke about whatever you want.

But don't fucking, but be prepared to stand behind it. If you can't stand behind it, because I deep down, I'm not like deep down. I want people to like me and I'm not like. Yeah, same. There's some things where I'm like, you know.

I'll do a joke. I think it's good. But overall, I don't want people to hate me. So if they do, I'll crumble. So it's like I just can't do those jokes. We always talk about that group that's like... The comic is like, I walked half the room. I'm the real deal. And you're like, that sucks. We're entertainers. I remember there was a comic who did that when I was young. And this article was like, but the real people stayed. And I'm like...

No, the real people left. You gotta perform for everybody. They're all real people. Right. Exactly. And that's like civilized for them. Those are the good people. To not like a joke, to not like a comic, and then just leave is kind of the civilized thing to do. Yeah, that's true. You're both yelling shit out. And I'm sure the club loves that, too. Like, oh, thanks, asshole. No, it's tough. Because you learn when you're younger, you learn. You want to be... And these are great comics. Like, Doug Standup and Bill Hicks are great comics. But part of being a comic is...

learning not to be too influenced by them because they're yeah they're their own thing and like but here's the problem is like you want to like you could have a great sid's joke yeah it's possible like what's that guy junior stopka you know him yeah he's got that brilliant joke i hope i'm not giving it away but he says uh you know the holocaust actually had a lot of retarded people in it but there's no photos because they're all smiling yeah that's a great and you're like damn that's fucking brilliant but obviously dark as hell

but what about when he had to figure that joke out? Yes, exactly. And that's the hard part about these edgy jokes is like, there's brilliant, amazing, smart-edged jokes that people love, but they had to play with it. You have to play with it, yeah. Stan Hope is also like, he would have been a great clean comic. Yeah, yeah. True. I mean, so it's like, he happens to be this type of comic, but he's great. Young comics learn the worst. They make the shit look easy, and then it's not, and then young comics think it's easy. You should be able to write clean,

when you're starting. Even if you're not a clean comic, I mean, Dave Attell will write a great clean joke. Killer clean stuff. Well, I just think, and I guess I learned this from Louis, I mean, it's true for all the great comics, you've got to have variety in your act. You've got to have variety. So if you have variety, you should have clean material just from the sense of having variety. You know what I mean? You just shouldn't have... Fuck that, dude. I'm doing an hour of fisting jokes. It's crazy. But Louis also said something that I also really stuck with me is that logic...

If you can stand behind the logic of the joke. I love that. I completely agree with that. If you can stand behind the logic, even if it feels offensive, if in your head you're like, logically, I'm making a solid point. If you can do that, then even if people get offended, you can still stand behind that and it can help you.

the way the audience perceives you. Because you're like, look, I'm just making a point. What's a good example of that? Well, my Sid's baby joke lacked logic. I think I was like fucking the dead baby in the joke. And I'm like, there's no logic. What's an example? I've got a bunch of these logic jokes. Well, like...

You know, the guy goes, I don't see color. And I go, well, I'm black. And he's like, no, you're not. And I'm like, ah-ha. Exactly. So it's a cute joke, but it's... You said it, so I'm going off your sentence. And you're using the logic. Like, you're not trying to... In another sense, you're not trying to offend people. No, no. I think most, like... I'm trying to think what other, like... But we go off gut reaction so much now that it's a bummer. A lot of those jokes are...

I saw something that I disagree with. Let me break down why this is stupid. And that's a logic joke. It's kind of a social norm that we all accepted, but it is flawed. And here's why. Right, right. Well, I guess, I mean, not to keep on quoting, but I guess a logic joke for him that is offensive is that joke he does where he's like, during the COVID, there was every, it was like three thousand people died and they're like, every day it's another 9-11. And he's like, when do we start...

gauging death by 9-11s. The Holocaust was like 400 9-11s. But then he's like, the 9-11 wasn't that bad. It was just one. And it's like, that's something that's offensive. But you're like, if you get called to task, you're like, there's logic there. The math is there. I'm not trying to offend, you know? Yeah, I love jokes. That's the great thing about comedy is you get to kind of tell that truth and not be an asshole. I mean, you could be considered an asshole, but I'm like...

It's just what is. Right. It's a good thing to... It's not just simply like... It's a good thing for you personally to think about if people get offended. Like if you're on stage and people get offended, in your head just be like, no, no, no. I'm following the logic here. Right. And that's a good way to react. Sorry, it's just... Yeah, my old joke. Women will always be like, when Caitlyn Jenner was new and fun and everybody's like loved her. Oh, I love Caitlyn Jenner. She's so beautiful. And I go, well, you look like her. And they go, fuck you. Perfect. You know?

But when I was thinking my dad's acceptance, by the way, that we don't like her for who she is right now. Yeah. Good point. Good point. Yeah. I would say Ellen was was pushed back on. She was gay. And now she's a cunt. That is that is a quality. Yeah. Yeah.

exactly i'm not saying she's a cop but i'm saying no i mean you should see people as like yeah you should be annoyed you should be able to be annoyed by content of their character the problem is is that like most people in any group are just awful because most people are awful so it's just like it's just like anytime you talk shit about someone like you're racist like no no just most people in every group are shitty yeah yeah and you're shitty too you just haven't gotten caught exactly yeah especially people in power they're just gonna be an asshole did i cut you off there come on i was

I was going to say, didn't someone object to one of your jokes this weekend and speak to you after?

I like the formality, object. I object. Like after every joke, you're like, if anyone has any objections to this material, stand up or forever say your prayers. I do declare. Objection, your honor. There's no logic behind this joke. So I've been bringing this up a lot because it's a fascinating debate and I'd like to hear what you guys, your input. We'll deliberate real quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Recess? No. So, uh...

I have a joke with retard in it, and a woman was just not laughing the whole show. And I kept, you know, when you're doing well, but one woman in Kentucky, one woman was like just, and I'm like, oh, you almost smiled. Hey, almost got a smirk out of you. And that's killing, just calling her out. And then I keep fucking with her, and I'm like, is she laughing? And they're like, she's not laughing. You know, they're loving it. And we had a good time. And then I'm selling merch after, like a fucking sellout. And she comes up, and I'm like, oh, she's probably going to.

chit chat and want to buy a shirt and make amends. And she goes, would you say the N word on stage? And she said the word. She said it? Yeah, yeah. She said it? It's Kentucky. Yeah. So...

- She said it! - I feel like the person who's offended by the first one and not the second one. That's a good-- - Isn't that funny? Yeah, so we're already off to a bang. I'm like, oh geez, okay. But I didn't think twice about it. I'm like, nah, I probably wouldn't. And she goes, so why do you say retard? And I go, well, it's a joke and it gets laughs and whatever. It only works with that word. And she goes, well, I have a Down syndrome kid or whatever. And I was like, well, I'm sorry.

But what'd you think about the Holocaust joke? She goes, those are fine. And I go, so it's only when it affects you. And she's like, well, it affects me greatly. And I'm like, I get that and I'm sorry, but...

If everyone in line had a son with cancer, a suicide mom, whatever, like we could do this all day and then now there's no act. Yeah. And also, I mean, like the N-word was never the scientific nomenclature for black people. The N-word was never like in that. That was always kind of like pejorative slang. Yes. Yes. And we didn't enslave people.

retarded people as well it's just no one first of all whether you think the r word is offensive or not no one thinks it's equal to the n word like that like he does he needs a mentally challenged uh rappers to take the word back yes and call each other that it's always like the parents of the kid because they really just all they want is to be like you have had a really hard life and i get it and i said i've had that too and i and i do i'm with you i i do sympathize but uh

Now we're just weighing things. Oh, no, no. I don't sympathize. You know what I mean? No, you got me completely wrong. I don't sympathize. No, no, no. I was just saying, no, I think they're assholes and they want to be like, they want to stand out for what they're doing. Right. And I actually don't, I don't, I sympathize if you have a mentally handicapped children, but if you're going to like,

openly get mad at someone for telling a joke about that. It's like, you're kind of just saying, I really hate my life taking care of him and I want this to be appreciated. It's like, it's just like, you want to be acknowledged and that's like, just love your fucking kid. Sitting in the front is tough too because it's like, if she was in the back, I don't think it would have, it wouldn't have affected the show at all.

But when you're in the front and you're looking for a reaction, like she doesn't have to laugh at that. That's okay to not laugh at that. But then making it a thing, that's kind of where I think. Making it a thing is where I, yeah. Obviously anyone can be offended by anything. You have a right to be. You have a right to not find something funny. But when you're like making it a thing, costing the person, you're being a fascist. Because on a sense, you're saying I want everyone subjected to what I value as being untouchable.

Yeah. But that same person is setting themselves up for hypocrisy because that same person who says don't make jokes about that is going to laugh at something else that someone else thinks you shouldn't make jokes about. Yes. The Holocaust is worse than your mentally challenged son. Yes. Yes.

And not by a little. By like a lot. By like a shitload. They were mentally challenged people who died in the Holocaust. I mean, a lesser kid was Jewish too. Like there was more minorities in the one than the other. But like it's just like, yeah. But I just think it's like,

Yeah, if we did what everyone wanted, like you said, there would be no jokes. Yeah. And they just get mad because obviously mentally challenged kids wouldn't get mad. Mentally challenged people wouldn't get mad by that joke. No. They would laugh. I mean, they laugh at everything. Yeah. But they would laugh.

But like, it's just, to me, that's more like, that's more just wanting acknowledgement in an arrogant way. And just, here's the thing. And like, why'd she line up for the shirt? She wanted a moment. She wanted to be like, here's where you went wrong. Here's the thing. Just because you have a men, look, having a mentally challenged kid is hard and it's a noble job, but just because you have one doesn't mean you're not already an asshole.

Of course. Good point. Anyone can have a mentally handicapped kid. I'm an asshole. I could have one. There's no like- Maybe that's why she had God smited her. Yeah. Said, I'm going to punish you. If you have a mentally handicapped kid, it doesn't mean you're not a prick. Just like if you get offended by any joke and stand up and get offended. Yeah. Yeah, I get it, but you're a prick. Just like most people are pricks. It also doesn't help that my merch is helmets. Just give her one for free. I gave her one. I signed it.

With the N-word on it. She was also late to the show, and I said, hey, you're tardy. Okay, we're having fun. We're the ones who wear helmets. I feel like their heads are the ones we should care about. Well, we lost her as a member. She was on the Patreon. Thanks a lot. We're the ones who should have helmets.

It is true. I held it on a... It's like a little too late. I'm sorry. My brother's mentally handicapped. There you go. So is my son. No. You little Asperger's. Who isn't these days? Every time he sees like that. Hey, yeah, you can say it. That's what you should have said.

You're right. A tit for tat of a, what do you call it, affliction. I could say it because I use Asperger's to get out of conflicts. There you go. Didn't Kevin Spacey do that? No, he said gay. He said I'm gay, yeah. He said I'm gay, but he was accused of underage. Yeah. Which I'm like, yeah, that's not gay. Yeah. What a crazy time. No one's ever been like, you homo, when you catch...

A guy with an underage, that's not the problem. Jeffrey Dahmer's like, look, I'm gay. All right, no, it's a problem. I'm gay and I have sex with men. I think it's more about the eating. No, no, no, no. What a weird time to come out. Ted Bundy, I'm pushy. I'm pushy. I'm a pushy guy. Fume is the safe way to quit smoking. Fume is 100% Canadian maple handcrafted inhaler is made to replace the hand-to-mouth habit.

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All right. I hope I got that right. Yeah, it's go.factor75.com slash drunk130. Thank you. Yeah, he said it like it was the string in a parachute. Like, I'm gay. I'm out. That was a tough one. Yeah, he did gay. It's also Norman's catchphrase. I'm gay? Oh, yeah. Maybe it was just a Norman fan. Yeah. It had nothing to do with the apology. It was just like, I was terrible. I didn't do any of that. I'm gay. Follow Mark Norman.

As he got arrested, he actually said, comedy. Yeah. Ben Lott was a huge fan. He kept saying, praise Allah. They got it from you. That's a weird twist. You know, some kid told me he saw a kid at an open mic go, I'm Kevin Hart. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. Like, that's a weird thing to steal because it's, I don't know. You steal a joke and go, I thought of it, but that. I'm like, come on. At least say someone else. Yeah. At least say, I'm Mark Norman. Oh, yeah. That's not bad. A good segue into the bits.

Well, yeah, but I mean, first off, do you have peeves?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got peeves. Mentally handicapped kids. Yeah, what do I got peeves? I tried to write some down today. You got one? I got plenty, dude. Okay, well, yeah. Should we get to Bill Maher music playing? New rules. New rules. I kind of need that music to get. I need the music to get, like, Ralph. Man, he gets the easiest applause breaks in comedy history. He's like, so I stepped in gum. And he gets...

the maddest of this crowd ever. I know! One joke, he's murdering for like 20 minutes. One joke, it's a bomb. He's like, oh, okay, liberal pussies. I'm like, they're your fans. That's actually a pet peeve, but we'll get to it. Right there. This thing where it's like comics who think they're edgy. I don't know, but Bill Maher, whatever. I think his show is good. His show is good. I'm not talking about Bill Maher. His show is good. Some of his jokes are not great, but his show is good. He makes some good points. But just outside of that, I just mean...

who think they're edgy when really the joke is just not that great. Not great, yeah. And then they think the audience is just sensitive. Yes. And they just go through their whole life not realizing they're just not that good of a writer. You don't get it. Yeah, they're just sensitive. They're just like, you know, like, they're like, I want to rape every Jew in the Holocaust. Oh, I guess you're all sensitive. It's just like, what are you? I was fucking a baby corpse the other day. Oh, okay, San Francisco. Yeah. They always do.

They're like, I think Hitler was really right about everything. Oh, I guess you're not World War II buffs. Yes, yes, I do do that. I think slavery made some good points. Okay. Okay, woke crowd. So it's like... Triggered. And that is the... Triggered. ...challenge when you have jokes that are edgy. Yes. Because you're like, that didn't work. Is it because... Right. Is it because they're pussies or is it because it's not that good of a joke? And I do think once...

The joke is good. It will work. Yeah, I agree. I think that's the edgelord, like the edgy but not that edgy, and then blaming the audience for sensitivity. Sure. That's a new rule. I hate the flip side of that, too, which is, hey, where are you from? The guy's like, New Jersey. He goes, whoa, okay, man. Geez, why are you yelling at me? It's like...

He's on the spot. He's not a comedian. He said New Jersey. He said it kind of erratically, and now you're mad at him? Yeah. I hate that. The where he from is also a pet peeve. Well, yeah. I just needed an example. But yeah, yeah. Anything like that. You guys married? No, we're just dating. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. What are you waiting for? Yeah. Okay, I got a peeve. I got a crazy. Yeah.

Okay. I'll do it as Bill Maher. Okay, people. I'm sitting on the train. It's hot as balls. The train's not air conditioned. Already a peeve. Yeah. That's like a big peeve right now. That's a problem. Dude, it's a sauna in there. Yeah. It's crazy. Dick's out. Fucking hot as balls. No. But it is hot as balls. I'm on the train sitting down in one of those two seaters, right? Yep. Dude, she sits down. There's other seats. She sits down right next to me. She's overweight. Mm.

Okay. And she's fat, okay? And then I said it. And she sits down next to me, sleeveless shirt, too. So there's skin contact. Yeah. Smushes me in a thing. And I'm like, there were other options. Yeah. I'm annoyed by this. So now I'm uncomfortable. So I have to get up.

Now I don't get to sit. I got a lot to say about this. Sure. Well, first of all, the overweight thing, like nobody has any problem with overweight. I was a fat kid. But I don't like it. You're also mentally challenged. I saw that as Down syndrome. Andy was black. Yeah. I was black from 8 to 12. I was Indian in high school. And I was a woman in college. So all these jokes are fun. Here's the problem with fat.

It's not... No one cares about fat people or worried about fat people or hate fat people. It's the secondhand fat. Like, I don't care if you smoke cigarettes, but when you're smoking cigarettes in my face, now I'm smoking. So your fat is affecting my life. Secondhand fat. Secondhand... I tried to make this a bit... Okay, people. Okay. But you see what I'm saying? Like, your fat is now my problem. Oh, yeah. Your fat. Also, like... And this is a pet peeve in general. Like...

I don't think you should feel shame for being fat, but you don't need to feel pride. No, of course not. It was an aggressive move. I'm smushed like this now, and I'm like, I can't. And I'm very much in, like, say the line is here. I'm like, here. There's space to give. I'm purposely. You're a thin guy. You're spindly. You should be like secondhand fat kills. Can you take your fat outside, ma'am? Yeah. 20 feet away from the entrance. I should have yelled out, rape. Rape. Rape.

Well, yeah. That was a peeve. That's a woman. You know what she's doing? She's fat spreading. Oh. Men have the man. Wow. I love it. I love it. She's fat spreading. Yeah. Fat spreading. Everyone talks about men, which, by the way, I've never seen in my fucking life. I think that's a made-up stereotype like that. I do it. I've seen it. I've seen it. He's kind of doing it right now. Yeah, I've seen it. But anyway. I went on a flight last week. You would hate me. One time I went to a movie theater, and I wasn't thinking, and there was only one person in the movie theater. Yeah.

And I wasn't thinking, and I just sat down next to him. Oh, you lonely loser. Well, I got up. I just wasn't thinking at first. But that was a fun thing to do. If it was a woman, that'd be a pretty, that's a me too moment. There was no one else in the theater. That's where we're headed. That's a great Galifianakis joke. He's like, I like to go in an empty theater, sit next to the one guy and go, shh, I'm trying to watch Keanu.

What movie is it? The guy goes, what are you doing? He goes, shh, I'm trying to watch Keanu. That was the tag. That's great. He had some great stuff. But yeah. Galifianakis is great. Yeah. I guess that's another pet peeve too. It's like some things people have like, I think it's great that people don't feel shame for shit. I don't think you should feel shame. I feel shame for being overweight, but that's my issue. But I think some people...

But I think my shame is bad. I think some people, like, have gone too far and feel pride about shit. I agree. Like, I saw someone talk about how they thought their OnlyFans account was just as...

creatively as their stand-up. And it's like, well, then you're not working that hard on stand-up. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, it's one thing. Look, I don't think you should feel ashamed for doing OnlyFans. No. If you want to make money, make money. Go nuts. But don't act like a Nigerian is getting a meal every time you come on camera. Like, don't act like you're doing... Well, you don't know where that money's going. That's true. But I'm just saying... Philanthropy OnlyFans. Just do it. That's true. That would be great if every time you jack off, someone gets... Oh, yeah.

Oh, we'd have no poverty. But like, I'm just saying like, you shouldn't feel ashamed for doing it, but it's still capitalism. Don't fuck it. Like, I just think there's too many things that people feel proud. We've gone too far the other way. Pride and shame. There should be a middle ground. Yeah. Good point. Just be. Yeah.

Just be. Yeah, it's not wrong or good. And let us tell you. I don't think you should feel shame for being overweight. Yeah. I don't think people should. I'm just saying when it affects anything that is inconsiderate is when I'm like, all right. Second hand. Just be considerate. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yes. And by the way, I know some people are going to be like, shut the fuck up. It's the peeve section. We're running out of peeves. Yeah. We're going to have to get to

toast we're gonna have to switch this to toast soon but it's like to your point about the pride thing she has you by the balls now because you could go hey Jesus lady and she'd go what are you fat shaming what do you hate fat phobic are you a bigot and you're like well actually I hate the fat when it's on my lap yeah but uh so you're alright there because we've all been next to that person on a flight where they don't respect space

- Yes. - And when you're with that person for a few rides on the subway, I can at least get up on the subway, on a flight, this is your person. - Yeah. - Yeah. - What we do with BO, we go like, if someone has really bad BO, now it's affecting other people, and now we have to smell your BO.

And fat people have really bad BO. Yeah. So like they go, oh, I BO, sorry. But what's the difference between having BO and affecting you and having fat infecting you? That's what I'm saying. I was once on a flight. Phil Hanley was on the flight with me. We were sitting across from each other on opposite sides and I'm next to someone who smells like just absolute shit. One of the worst smelling people I've ever seen. And I'm like,

let me see if I can pull off the ultimate heist. I get up and I, and I sort of the woman sitting next to Phil, I say, I'm so sorry. This is my good friend. Would you mind switching seats with me? Oh, diabolical. Total dick move on my part. I love it. I'm one of her peeves. She goes, of course. She switches. As she goes over, she gives me a look like, I saw the moment the smell hit her and she was like, oh, like why? And I was like, you smell.

Because you can't go back. There's nothing you can do. You can't go back. You can't be like, he smells bad. That'd be hilarious. Too bad. Wow, that's a sketch. That'd be hilarious. He's just like, wait a minute. No, no, no. I didn't realize that he just smells like shit. I want to switch. You tricked me. Wow.

That's amazing. You tricked me. I'm not to mention that smelly piece of shit. The guy's like, please. You didn't mention that in the offer that this guy smells like fucking stale shit. Wow. He's just sitting there. Stale shit. That's a bit. That's a great story. That could be something. Um...

Yeah. Yeah, I'm just an asshole in that bit. Well, the smelly guy's the asshole, too. There's no morals on that plane. It's all for yourself. The rules go out the window on the plane. Yes. I was trying to write something. You got to be decent, too. Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course. But once you move, all bets are off. Yeah, you won that battle. What are some other pet peeves I had? Oh, anyone who, the people who, yeah, because I was thinking what you told me, pet peeves. I hate when people tweet out, and I don't even disagree with this line, but I hate when

But I hate when they tweet it out when people are like, if you think the pandemic is over, guess again. Like, even though, you know what I'm saying? I'm in the middle. I think that's true. But I also think those people should be executed. Because I'm a centrist. Because it's like, you know what you're doing. You're just trying to create hysteria and upset people because you've made that part of your identity. And it's fucking such. I hate the hysteria tweets. Like, anyone who's like, guess again.

get like why are you trying to upset people yeah it's like you're excited by it yes if a fucking meteor was coming and we had no choice you'd still have people tweeting every fucking day that's so true this meteor is big news quit ignoring it we're just trying to enjoy life for the last 20 days and every tweet's like you can't ignore this meteor it's bigger than we've

than we think. It's like, shut up. Let us just enjoy whatever left we have of life before these fucking, and now they're doing monkey pox, even if it's fucking serious, just like, and I'm not saying don't take monkey pox seriously, but some people are like, this is going to be so much worse than, and it's like,

Shut the fuck up. They were saying hit the panic button on this shit. It doesn't help, though. It doesn't help. It doesn't help. They get to look better than you, too. That's also part of it. Also, it's like no one's trying to get monkey pox. Yes, I know. No one's like, yeah, I'll roll the dice. No, if you see open sores on someone...

Go end the date. Yeah. Don't fuck him. Well, the CDC says don't have multiple partners. That's going to work. Yeah. That's how we're all trying to live our lives. Well, you guys maybe. I don't know. It's just like, it does feel like God does not want us to get together. It's just like monkey pox. I've got one. Give us a tweet, Peeves Salamanca. I hate it when people say, I don't know who needs to hear this, but. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, that is annoying. Yeah. What was the expression before that? Dear. What?

You know, you'd say, dear Jeff. But now it's like, I don't know who needs to hear this. It's just a way of saying, like, no one asked for this, but I'm still saying it. Or attention. Attention blank. Or this. Anyone who goes this and then shares a tweet. I feel like we got to do, like, we did...

New World. I feel like we've got to do the George Carlin. Those people should be, anyone who tweets this should be put in a port-a-potty and thrown into a river and that river should be nuked or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Here's another group of people I hope find an inoperable tumor at the base of their spine.

And then it's someone who just uses a grammar. Just guys named Todd for some reason. Like Jesus. George Carly was like equally angry about like the war and like people who didn't have right syntax. He hated what we did in Iraq and he hated. Driveways being called driveways. And guys in visors. Yes. Man, your rage really. It's consistent. Which is fine.

funny by the way because George Carlin I know he's best he did have a ponytail that's a bald ponytail yeah that should be on his fucking list for people who should be hit over the head with a mallet he was that good he was that good away with dude the 90s was such a great joke I've quoted before in this pod he is underrated joke writer he had a joke where he goes guys who are bald with a ponytail it looks like all their hair got together and hung itself oh

Oh, that's brilliant. That's a great joke. That is so good. Yeah. George Cronin. Here's another group of people whose mom I wish had a health care plan that included abortion. That's a mouthful. He had like nine of those. That's a fun album. Yeah, it's a great album. I saw him when I was at college. He was super old, and I saw him at the theater there. And it was funny because he had it all written down on notes on there. So it was weird to see him look at the notes for something like Murderous Rage, just like

Here's another person who should be raped by a giant monkey and just looking at the words. Which special is that, Thief? I'm working out. I can't remember. I don't remember a single thing from it. I mean, this was like, I was like 19. Did he kill? Yeah. I remember...

I think it was by the time where, like, you know, he got a little angrier than funny. Oh, yeah. The last one was really good. I liked it. I think that was a good one. But the one before was a little weird. I struggle with him because I obviously think he's brilliant, but he doesn't really make me laugh like other, you know. He's peppered in. Like, he's got stuff where you're like, that's fucking hilarious, and then it's ten minutes of ironic. I know. And then people share it and be like, this is brilliant. I'll watch it. It's just, like, rhyming. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like reading a poem. And he's just like doing word like, you know. But someone like Bill Hicks always made me laugh. Sure. Because he's just a funnier character. And he was jokier. I saw Carlin about 05 at the Biloxi Casino. I drove there from New Orleans and it was bad. It was really bad. First, it's a casino. Second, it's Mississippi. Yeah. And third, he was getting heckled the entire time. Everybody was hammered. And he was going, I'm uptown, but I'm downloaded.

Back door, but I'm front and center. And they were just like, oh, what the fuck? He was trying to work out one of his limericky bits, and they weren't having it. And they were like, do the seven dirty words, you pussy. He kind of became Dr. Seuss at the end. A little Dr. Seuss-y. Carlin just up there bombing. He's like, get this fucking guy a cola. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Pro-life, but anti-death. Yeah, he's just kind of like, yeah. I don't know. I think it's also, I think he was so groundbreaking. When someone's so groundbreaking, sometimes you watch again and you're like, there's no jokes. It's just like a statement. It was cute and clever and fun. He did on Tonight Show. There's so many good specials. Of course. I'm a huge fan. I can do his whole album, his whole catalog. I think you know what it was sometimes? There are bits of it I think are brilliant. I think it was so right all the time.

that sometimes I think to be really funny, you have to be a little wrong. You know what I mean? I think he was kind of on the money. He did some pretty provocative stuff, though. That's true. When you think about how he got excited by multiple people dying, there's some shit where you're like, Jesus. I know, I know. I mean, he called feminist cum catchers. He called Eddie Murphy the N-word. He went for it. That bit's pretty amazing. Yeah.

Of course they don't care. I love that joke. I sent that to you and you're like, I don't know about that one. I was like, this is gold. It's hilarious, but it's like one of those jokes where you're like, that's not flying today. That's part of the fun. But I mean, like, obviously the abortion joke is one of the best ever. I mean, his bit about like,

the planet's going to be fine. We're the ones dying is like one of the most insightful. That's like 11 minutes. Yeah, that's one of the most insightful things ever. Yeah, plastic bags. Yeah, that's a great thing. Because that is true. We're always like the world's ending. It's like not real.

No, we're ending. Yeah. We're going. Worlds are going anywhere. Mountains are going to be fought. The mountains ain't worried about climate change. He's also one of those brilliant guys where liberals and conservatives on Twitter are like. Misinterpret him. They misinterpret him. And they claim him. He's like the Bible now. I know. Where they're just like, this is what he meant. And I'm like, I don't know if that's what he was saying. Liberals and then neo-Nazis are sharing that Edward bit we just talked about. Exactly.

Exactly. And liberals are sharing the abortion bit. See, he said it. What can I say? Yeah, no, he does work for everyone. What are the other pet peeves? Oh, well, I do a bit about this, but I do think hot people using body positivity is something that I really, like, hate.

Like, hot people posting pictures where they're really hot on Instagram, but then acting like they're brave about it. Is that happening? I feel like that happens. Oh, wow. I see that. Really? Just being like, I'm no longer ashamed of this mole on my knee. Oh, God. Perfect body. Shut up. I'm trying to masturbate over here. Yeah, right. Feel more shame. Can't get up with this pride. Yeah.

I feel shame. You want to hide that mole in your knee, get on your knees. The problem is pride. It really keeps you from coming. Not me. I jerk off to the gay flag. By the way, can someone send us a Joan Rivers and a George Carlin on a wall of death here? How do we not have a Carlin? I can bring in an album. Oh, shit. I've been saying they should do this at clubs for years. You know how comic clubs have the picture on the wall? I think they should always put the picture of the people who died on their own wall. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is a death wall?

Pretty much. Yeah, Norman's, he's going soon. Yeah, I got AIDS. Oh, Norm looks so weird in that picture. Why? It's a great photo. There's like a light from like a light shining on him in a weird way. He was an underrated handsome guy. Oh, young Norm is very handsome. Good looking. Matinee. Good looks.

I like how you only put the dead comics you like. Like, I'm thinking about all the dead comics. I like Panetta. I like Louis Anderson. I like, yeah. No, we got to get more. But where do we send, where do we tell them to send stuff, Matt? 251. 39th. West 39th Street. You got to get Gilbert. You can't have Bob and Norm without Gilbert. We need Gilbert, too. Love Gilbert. Love Gilbert, yeah. That was a great doc. People send these in, man. We're not. Oh, they send them in. Oh. Uh-huh. I picked up one of the prior ones, but.

Rapping Rodney, baby. We had Paulie Walnuts before he died. This one might be bad luck. Oh, yeah. One of the great moments in Sopranos. You love Sopranos like we do. I do, too. I was listening to like someone was doing an impression of a scene the other day on video. They were doing an impression of Paulie Walnuts and James Gandolfini, but the lines themselves they were doing were from the movie or the show. It just made me realize like...

how fucking funny that show is, and yet they play it for straight the whole time. And yet the lines on the page are like fucking hilarious. So funny. It was like a scene where they're like, have to re-dig up an old body, and they just start reminiscing about that, like the good old days of when they murdered him. And it's so funny, but that whole show is just...

like comedy played completely strange. Yes. You know what I mean? We always talk about the, uh, the intervention for Chrissy. That scene, I'm on the floor. One of the funniest scenes of all time. Like I also think about, I think we've talked about it, but, uh, the, the episode where Michael Imperioli takes the acting class. I mean, that's the show. I know. I know. That's a great show, but I mean, you know, yeah, there's so much, there's so much there. Yeah. But that intervention scene when Pauly's like, incredible. We're trying to be constructive. Fuck.

that yeah let him take his medicine ah you're weak he calls his mom a whore but it's so detailed that scene and that's the thing like it could have been broad in a bad way like analyze this and it's not and it created its own tone where it's like on one hand it's a mobster telling someone they're weak during an intervention which is seems like a sketch sure i mean right it's not so real to the point where one of the most real moments in that scene is

is when Gandolfini finds out he killed the dog. Yes. He's like, you killed little Cosette? The fact that you know Tony Soprano would know the name of the dog. Yes, he's a sociopath. And he just loves animals. Exactly. He's always a sociopath who loves animals, so he just always knows everything. So what he's like,

You fucking kill little Cozette. He can't let it go. He keeps bringing it back. It's just comedy gold. I mean, the thing about that show that I think the detail in the dialogue, the history of people's lives in the dialogue is unmatched. I mean, I remember there's one scene where she has a crazy roommate in college. Yeah. And the girl just at one point just says, I feel like they should teach us in class. She just says, I really miss my ferret. And it's just...

perfect. That's so good. You're just like, yeah, she would have a pet ferret. But you're like, any other screenwriter would put like cat or dog, but they're like this minor character. And you're like, that's a pet ferret. That's a great observation. Because she's a weird person, you know? It's just perfect. The show is just full of... And the kids are just so well written. I know. There's a scene, I love the scene where

Jamie Lynn Sigler, you know, they're trying to punish her and she's like, whatever. And she runs and Carmela has some line along the lines of like, what are we going to do? And they realize we're powerless. Yeah. There's nothing we can really do. Like, holy shit. They nailed the home life. Yes. That humanized him. Yeah. I also think it's the only show. I mean, some people probably, I think it's the only show where both the husband and wife are equally interesting.

I think most shows, one of the characters is usually way more interesting. I like Breaking Bad, but that wife's a dullard. You know what I mean? She's right. There's usually one character, even in the best shows, but that's the one show with that. Yeah, she's kind of a wet blanket. Yeah, yeah. Just let the guy sell some meth. Yeah.

I don't know. Have you seen Young Sheldon? No. You pointed out something to me that blew my mind about how it's the only show with that much character development. Like, Ralphie, you know what movie every character likes. Yeah, that's the thing. Which I've never thought of. Gladiator. Gladiator. So him. That's one of the great details of the show. You literally know what everyone likes in terms of pop culture. You know how they all fuck? Yeah. You know that Richie likes to fuck

with a gun to her head. Yes, yes. You know that Ralphie likes it in the ass. Yes. But knowing what people like, the only other thing that's similar to that is Big Lebowski where you know what everyone is interested in. Right, right. But like in Sopranos, you know Gandolfini loves the History Channel, Hitler stuff. You know he loves W.C. Fields, Cagney.

me yeah you know the godfather you know he likes godfather 2 more than godfather 1 yeah they go back to italy you know you know carmella like certain books you know whatever the uh movie she's watching uh totally remains of the day or whatever at one point you know what they all are you know the kids at the south park it's just like seeing what someone likes it's just very rare movies because most movies the characters aren't really seen that detailed in a real way it really makes you feel like i love it so much connection yeah no it's the best show

It's the best show where actually the first season, I think it's still the best season. Wow. You think? And I still think it's the best show. What did you think of the scene of the pines with the Russian guy, the Green Beret? It's interesting. I love that episode, but a lot of people are like, I didn't like that one. There was a scene they deleted where they go to the... I guess it reveals what actually happened. There's a scene where...

They go to the guy, the head of the Russians, and the guy who they shot is there. He made his way back, but he's kind of brain dead. Oh, interesting. He can barely talk, yeah. And he's in a little plastic thing on his head. So from the perspective of the screenplay, that guy did survive. And if you watch it, actually, you can see it's not like – I don't think it's –

definitely a kill shot yeah but they definitely intended for him to be alive it's probably better to leave it open though I know didn't Imperioli write or direct that one I think he did actually Buscemi directed that one Buscemi did Imperioli directed some other ones I think but Buscemi directed that one damn yeah I listened to some of their podcasts and Imperioli's great yeah oh yeah it's like him and what's his name Steve Schrepper yeah

Dana Gould told me that he worked a club that Steve Sherpa managed in the 80s. I heard it's scary. Yeah, it was a casino. And Dana, by the end, told me he was sick of the gig. So he just went on stage with his underwear over his jeans and didn't address it and just did his act.

Just as like a fuck you to the club. And I guess after he got off stage, Steve Schrepper walks up to him and he goes, you disrespected me. You disrespected the club. It's like he is that guy. I think from what I've read about him, he's actually much scarier because that's like the nicest guy in the world.

Right. In Sopranos, even though he does kill someone. He murders people. But he feels bad. Yeah, yeah. And he's nice to Junior. Yeah. No, he's definitely the nicest guy on that show. This is Bacala? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. His dad rules. I think he's much scarier. Oh, the best. But that's kind of funny that he did that. I once, on a show, this is the early days, which is just the worst early days. You're just having cancerable moments every second. Yes, yes. I thought it would be really funny to go on stage with one, my zipper down and one ball hanging out.

I thought it would be so funny. Just the idea. In my head, I was like, it's a hilarious idea that someone doesn't know a ball is hanging out of their zipper. Yeah. But what I didn't realize, it's funny that it took me this to realize why this joke wouldn't work, is that there's no moment where I'm like, see? Right. Because the people have to just look and be like, is...

ball out yeah so it's just like a weird turn yeah there's no turn and there's no moment where they realize that I'm in on it yeah yeah you know I mean so there's no moment where I'm like gotcha so I'm just doing jokes and they're just like you're just doing dead baby jokes with a ball yeah they're just like yeah and they're just watching like like that's why that guy got strangled it is a ball it's not a ball

I always take my balls out. Yeah. But so anyway, so that's what I learned from you. Sometimes you just got to take your ball out on stage to realize that it's not going to work. But you need to learn. You need to workshop. Yeah, you got to workshop. And I have a photo of Ari at Denver Comedy Works. He's got huge balls. And he pulled them out, no shaft. And he's doing a set. And I have a photo of it in case he ever fucks me over. Yeah.

Joe used to make fun of me because I've been complimented on my balls being big. And he's like, he tried to do a bit of it. He has a lot of bits about me being big. He does have a few bits about you. Yeah. He's like, I wrote a bit about you. And then it's all staged. He's like, I got a friend who's so ugly. Yes, he does. I've heard those. But he said that if someone compliments you on having big balls, it means you have a small dick. But I don't think so. No, you can have big balls. Two things can be true. I don't think my dick is that small, but I do have big balls. Separation of balls and dick. Right? It's not like...

It's not like you have one dick right next to another dick. It's different things. Yes. You know? Yeah, very different. Maybe I have a small dick. I don't know. Whatever. What an ending to this episode. Call in if you think it's small. We should get a phone in here that could rig and it's just your mom. It just doesn't work. We should get one of those duck phones. Remember those? Like quack, quack. Hey, look how cute.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Jimmy, I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. No, he's. Yeah, that actually is a mannequin. He wasn't in the room. Oh, yeah. Those are my dates from like last year. The good ones up. I see. My mom texted me the other day. I posted it, but she said this was the best of your shows. I still don't like the leg joke.

But other than that, she's trying to write peg. Oh, that's adorable. That's your special. No, no, no. She just saw me the other day and I did the peg thing. But it's funny. You did the getting peg joke in front of your mom? Hell yeah. Jesus. That's impressive. But yeah, it is. I never thought I'd get to a point in my life where I now know my mom tried to type peg in

And it auto-corrected and she sent it to me. It's just like an interesting... Probably for the best it auto-corrected. You don't want your mom sending those texts out. It is crazy. I do talk about getting fucked in the ass with a strap on. Yeah, I don't know how you do that. In front of my mom. Yeah. And she doesn't like dirty language. Well, yeah, what were you thinking? Was that like a fuck you mom? No, I just don't... When my parents come, I just do my act and like...

Leave the cards on the table. Yeah, I don't like changing shit for people coming. No, I don't either. I mean, there is a bit I talk about, like my mom's pussy. I didn't do that one. Ah, okay. Considerate. I guess it'd be weird if she was like, I love the peg joke.

why didn't you do the one about my pussy you've gotten soft do you change your material if your parents do that oh yeah oh really I don't but I only had one it's funny I did one when I did the beacon my parents came I did one joke about my mom that I don't think she enjoys and

and I asked my therapist who was sitting behind her, any reaction on her? And he goes, I don't think she liked that one. Ooh. Wait, your therapist was sitting behind her? Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. That's like some symbolism or something. But, uh, he just wrote back, maybe it's your mother. Uh, he,

But the funny thing is the joke didn't even make the special. So I'm like, I probably didn't have to do that. Hilarious. Your therapist. The next session was like, by the way, your mom wouldn't stop fucking talking. I had to strangle her. I tried to kick her out. We got to wrap this because Mark's got a gig. Oh yeah. Should we do a quick bit or just plug gigs? What do you think? Well,

Well, I mean, if we do a one-liner each, we can make it. Maybe you just do a bit because you're the guest. You do a bit. Do a bit? I've been doing this since something new, right? Yeah. Undone. Undone. I've been working on this joke about how I'm like walking with this girl. It was a true story. I'm walking with this girl in New York, and there's like a homeless guy jacking off in a cardboard box, and she's like, I've never felt so violated.

And I was like, you feel violated. We just walked through his room unannounced. Oh, I like that. You know, imagine if you're masturbating and like a couple just barges in like, ew, gross, disgusting. I've never felt so violated. That's a good point. But the part I try to work on, then I go, and this is I guess where it doesn't work. I go, granted, if someone barged in my room while I was masturbating, I'd probably stop masturbating. Ah, that's good. I wouldn't just watch them while they're walking around.

That part doesn't do it as well. What about the chutzpah on her thinking it's directed at her? It could be directed at you. That's true. Yeah, exactly. It probably was. Yeah. Interesting. But yeah, so that's something I've been doing. That's been doing okay. It's kind of a genius diabolical move on the hobo's part because he has the upper hand. I really thought you were going to say a genius bit. I was so excited. Oh, sorry. I like the bit.

But it's a great bit. But it's funny that he's like, hey, well, this is where I live. You're coming in. Well, that's the part. I've been trying to explore it. It doesn't work. But I guess I've been trying to say, like, it's not. And this is the thing I can't formulate.

very well but like people get grossed out about people masturbating and they're like it's disgusting they're doing it in public and it's like but that's all they have right there is no private and it's actually not wrong that they're masturbating because everyone masturbates right it's wrong that they don't have walls around them yeah tell them for woke people like you have wall privilege yeah exactly it is wall privilege it is if you think it's fucked up build up a house because build that wall because you're like new rule yeah if you rule

Because it's hypocritical to get grossed out by someone masturbating when you also masturbate every day. You just have a house, right? Well, I don't know. I don't know if that's going to hold up in court. I said this on stage. I was like, it's not funny, but it's a good point. And then I was like, I don't think it's a good point either. Maybe compare it to shitting or another thing that's like also we all do that's private. Right. You know? Yeah, like where do you shit? McDonald's bathroom. That's where you should be jacking off.

Yeah, because if it was, it's something, the sexual component changes it. Because if he was shitting, you go, oh, this poor guy doesn't even have walls. He's got to shit in public. But if he's jerking off, you're like, what a creep. And you're like, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. You're sexual. Yeah, you're just sexual. And you do it. You do both. Both are needs. Yeah. And also, it's like, the only good thing about being homeless is you can't get canceled.

Like it's the one thing you can't lose. You're not going to take away your box. You're not going to take away your TV show. They can put you in jail, I guess. That's a home. It's the backfire. All right, all right. I don't know if that's a home. It's a house, not a home. If anyone walks into a prison cell, home sweet home. All right, not a home, but it's a house. It's a hostel. You can't get canceled because your life is shit.

What? That's what canceling is. Yeah, exactly. You can't bring someone down. Right. So, of course, you're going to jack off in public. If you couldn't get canceled, you'd also jack off in public. Ah, yeah. Good point. And maybe you could do a silly turn at the end to make it a little levity. Like take out my dick and jack off? Well, take one ball out. No. Like you go, maybe this is a good way to stop rent hiking. You know, the landlord comes in and you're like, and he's like, never mind.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Just to, you know, tie it up. I'll try. I'll take all those notes. Take a note. Make sure to watch run on special on YouTube now. Jokes from the underground. Jokes from the underground. I taped out the comedy cellar in April. Salacuse directed it. Brilliant job. And.

I heard your mom gave it an A-. Yeah. One joke. Not enough peg jokes. Oh, wait. You're talking about Salakus? No, no, no. But yeah, it's on YouTube. I'm putting it out myself and all that shit. Good for you. I spent all my savings on it, so go check it out. Go to my YouTube channel, I guess. Ronan Hershberg. R-A-N-A-N-A-N.

H-E-R-S-H-B-E-R-G. Used to be Ron on Hitler. He changed it. So check it out. It's a killer. I saw it live as well. And it was one of those, like, I never get to see you do an hour. Yeah. Because we're all busy doing our own shit. And so to see you do a full hour is like, this is killer. Oh.

So check it out. It's been a lot. Check it out. And BodegaCatSpirits.com. Yes! Please get Bodega Cat. The whiskey is out. You can get merch at WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. The Patreon, WeMightBeDrunkPod at Gmail.com. I got a Netflix special out. Please watch that same time tomorrow. Mark, we're going to be on the road.

I'm all over the road. I'm, you know, Jesus Christ. Richmond, Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, Toronto, New Orleans, New Haven, and Boston. Check out MarkNormanComedy.com. San Jose as well. I got Louisville, Irvine, Omaha, Phoenix, Chicago.

Jesus Christ. New Brunswick, OKC, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana, all over the Spokane, Tacoma, Kansas City, all over samorell.com slash shows. Watch the special, please. Yes. Appreciate you guys. Oh, yeah. I'll be at Comedy on State September 22nd. One of the best clubs in the country. One of the best. And follow me on Instagram, Ron on Comedy. You got new stuff?

Yeah. There you go, folks. Consummate professional. All right. We'll see you. Sunday's the day for my next offender. The same one. Up on the roof like a con-danger. I'm out to lunch here at Newark. This woman does what I remember her.