Ep 92: Juice & Pedialyte
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Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We got a full house today, huh? Salamanca. Sally, baby. We got Jamie. J-Mo, good to have you back. It's been about a year. Yeah. All right. Well, you didn't do a great job, so we wanted you to build your... I didn't bring a milkshake this time.

What do we have today? What are we drinking? Well, you need to take a break, so you have some healthy juices here to help you guys detox from whatever happened to you over the weekend. It's been rough. Yeah. People assume we just drink on this podcast. Ha ha ha ha.

It's a little get well soon. It's a rough weekend. Oh, what's, do we know what's in these? Yeah, talk to us. Judging by the colors, I'd say there's carrot in there and some kind of green veggies and a little bit of everything from the earth just to help you out. All right, well, chase it with a little Pedialyte. Yeah, how you doing? Oh, the paper, I really don't like the paper straw. I hate it. I don't like it. They get mushy. Yeah, halfway through.

The turtle thing's a myth. They made that all up. Oh, this tastes pretty good. I taste a little ginger in here. Ooh. Ginger. We're being healthy this week. That's the Irish people. I closed a bar on Saturday night, and it's like...

There's no worse feeling when you're in a bar and someone flips the lights on. Oh, the worst. It's so aggressive. Yeah. You see the cockroaches. You see the dirt on the ground. There's a passed out dude. And you see how ugly everyone really is. You know, because with the booze and the lights off, people are looking pretty good. Yeah.

The cockroaches and the one old guy at the end of the bar. The two survivors. Yeah, exactly. Nuclear holocaust wouldn't get rid of them. So I saw something on the street on my way here and I had to grab it for the studio. This is a real Salamanca move. But I pulled it this week. Saw a guy selling records. Oh. Hey, all right. I just thought it was a cool look, this prior one. Check this shit out. I don't think I've ever seen that. Yeah, I don't know this special actually. But look.

I thought this just looked cool as hell. Whoa. That's gorgeous. Doesn't it look good? Love it. What year do you think that is? It's got to be 79. Yeah? 80. What year was Sunset Strip? I've got the computer here. What am I asking you for? There you go, Google bitch. This is 78. Oh, got it.

All right. That's exciting. Finally, we have a black on the wall. It was getting a little weird in here. We got Pryor up there already. Oh, we do? Okay, okay. The ones we need are Patrice, Carlin, and he said, the guy on the screen was like, who else you got to do? I'm due for a Joan Rivers. I was like, we should have Joan on that wall. Joan, for sure. We should get a lady up there. She met Joan. Did you? Yeah.

How was that? I met her twice in the same day at two different situations. So my mom got to meet her the first time, which was awesome. And then I got to her book signing. So she wrote me a nice message in her last book that she came out with. Wow. That forever. That's amazing. I saw Patton Oswalt made a great point about how everybody gets mad about jokes and offended or whatever. And he's like, she...

was a woman doing it and opened the door. It cost her a lot, though. It cost her a lot, but imagine if she didn't sacrifice, we might not have any funny ladies. Yeah. That was his point.

And also in that documentary of her, you see there's that guy where the guy's offended and she's like, fuck you. I was like, fuck you. It's cool when an older lady says that. Shut the fuck up. I mean, I used to watch the fashion show because I thought she was funny and she would just be like, what are you wearing? You fucking look like hell. And you're like, what the hell?

But she was so ghoulish and old that you let it slide. Well, she was a cartoon character the way Rodney was. Yes. Where she was like, ow, ow. Like that voice. That's cartoony. You get away with being meaner. Totally. Same with Rickles. He's fucking Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story. Yeah.

When you're a cartoon-looking dude, you can get away with saying some shit. When you look like that, you can shit on Sinatra, and they're like, ah, he's lovable. Yeah. He would trash Sinatra, and they would all just go with it. Yeah, and Sinatra, when you're that arrogant and you're that much of a complete lunatic, you have one friend that's allowed to shit on you. But you know anyone else that shit on Sinatra, he was probably like, he's out. That's true. What is it about... Joan Rubens is from Brooklyn.

Rickles is from Queens. Dangerfield is from Queens. Insane. Just that tri-state area has bred so much. Larry David, Brooklyn. Seinfeld, Brooklyn. Chris Rock's Brooklyn. Mel Brooks is Brooklyn. Woody Allen. But then the last generation, it was like very Boston if you think of all the great comics that came out of Boston. That's true. It was like Louis Burr, David Cross, all these great comedians. Dane Cook, Rogan Stanhope. Patrice. Patrice. DePaulo. Yeah. Goldman. The shittier you're upbringing, the funnier you get.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Albert Brooks, he had a regular life. He's L.A. He's very funny. Yeah. I think funny's funny. I think there's a good combination with Boston and New York with blue collar meets scholastic.

You got Columbia here. You got NYU here. You got the other one. And then you got Boston, MIT, Harvard. But yet they're all working in a mill. They're all fucking Irish and angry and they fuck with each other. It's a good mix. New York, we're all in everything together. Like Bloomberg took the subway.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I know it's a publicity thing, but like, it is actually the best way to get around. So you think about that, like Bloomberg and a guy sucking on his foot in the same subway car. Right. There's something beautiful about that. Yes. You know? That's true. There's a guy jerking it. And Koch. Koch took the subway. The guy jerking is Jeffrey Toobin on the same subway car. Just jerking his dick. There you go.

Yeah, Seinfeld always said that New York keeps you funny because you can't relax. Well, there's so much stimulus. Go to Westchester and you're like, what am I doing? There's nothing to do. Exactly. Nothing shuts the brain off like just boredom. Totally. You can take...

Yeah.

You know, because you need it. So it's like you said in Westchester. When are good times, though? Every time is kind of shit, right? Well, it's always shit to somebody. Like people say, hey, the 50s, it was magical. It was, you know, unlock your door and families and suburbs and all that. But then black people were getting fucked over. And women. And women. And black women. Yeah. Maybe some Jews. Oh, yeah. Commies.

Commie, the Red Scare. Yeah. That's true. Everything was bad. People were like, you know, these are tough times. And what, were the Crusades easy? It's never good. There's always something. The 90s weren't bad. I like the 90s. Meredith Brooks, I'm a bitch. Those are simpler times. Well, Rodney King had a rough go. But OJ got off.

His wife didn't. What does that mean? Call it even? Yeah. All right. I think the 90s were maybe our peak and then 9-11 happened at the end of the 90s and 2000s and it was all downhill. Yeah. I mean, flying before 9-11. Oh, holy shit. Great Daniel Tosh joke. 9-11 sucks or I like it because I used to have to walk with my girlfriend to the gate and

I love that joke. That's good. I remember going with girlfriends to the airport and you just have to wait there until the flight took off. What about how was Houston over the weekend? Houston is better than Austin. I'm saying it right now. Austin's all hip and cool. Keep it weird. Everybody's moving there. Houston's a better city. Is Houston your number one in Texas? Yeah.

Probably, yeah. It's very diverse. It doesn't get as due for diversity. Sure. It's every group, every race. Huge Vietnamese pop. Huge Vietnamese, Indian. They're all overweight.

So that brings them together. Because it's a foodie city. It's huge food, and it's got a little everything, and it's got different neighborhoods that are very interesting. I love Houston. Great crowds, great club. Great crowds. How'd you like it? You were just there. I had a great time. I was worried that your tickets would hurt mine.

Yeah, I worry about that too when we're like back to back. Right. But you did well? Went great. And I even popped over to the open mic at the secret group. You're sick. I know. Well, we had nothing to do. We were bored. And my friend, you know, Andrew Youngblood? Yeah. He owns this club. So he's like, you want to go drink for free at my club? We'll get out of this green room. And I said, let's do it. And then the open mic was going on. I popped on.

How was it? It was good. It's usually a nightmare. Every time I've done that, I always regret it. Yeah, you're dancing with fire. You're playing with fire. Dancing with fire, that's not an expression. Dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight. That's what you meant. Dancing with fire, is that a new album? I don't even know what I'm talking about. No, but I mean, you come off that good late show usually, and then...

you know yeah you want to you want to lose that feeling that's true it's the weirdest thing about comedy you got this hot show sold out you're killing and then you go do an open mic for 11 people and you've never felt worse you like this is a general thing people this is just you no one else does this well what would be an equivalent to that like maybe you're playing in the majors and then you go hit a you go to like you play an nba and then you go to like a

There's a story that Gary Payton did that. Really? And I don't know if it's true, but so the story goes. Gary Payton, if you don't know him, The Glove, played for the Sonics in the 90s. He was a badass. His son is in the NBA. The Glove. Also Michael Jackson. I mean, OJ. Ah, shit. I'm trying to bring him back. Well, he added Glove too, Michael Jackson. That's true. That's true. No Glove, no love. But that's a great nickname. That's how good you are defensively. You're The Glove. Right. Yeah.

So the story goes, he's at like a nightclub and like boat shoes and some guys like I could beat you one on one. And he's like, no, you can't. And he's like, yeah, I can. And Payton, like he keeps to the point. He was known for shit talking like this. Pull up the picture of Payton and Michael Jordan and you just see him in Jordan's face. Like he didn't beat Jordan, but you got to give the guy props for just getting in the dude's face. Like, fuck you. I love that. Um,

And, yeah, get that image. He was the glove, but in basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meaning he was on you. That's how tight he was on you. Ah, that's good. Yeah, look at that picture. No, the one in the corner. No, the other one. No, no, the one was in his face, dude. Come on. Come on, Google, bitch. There you go. Oh, look at that. That's not even the one I'm thinking of. That's heated. I was talking top right. Yeah, but look at that. Yeah.

I mean, he's way smaller than Jordan. He should not be. Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about. Look at him right there. Oh, he keeps saying an F word. He's saying, fuck. Oh, well, maybe another one. Well, the thing is that they say is like he wasn't the best trash talker, but he just didn't stop. Like it was just the whole game. And they're like, dude, shut up. Yeah, right. How bad could he be? Like, hey, you fucking honky. Nice legs. Like, what is bad trash talking? Like, you stink.

Dork? I think like knowing shit about your personal life. There are people that do homework and they're like your wife. The famous one was Kevin Garnett on I'm Carmelo. Your wife smells like Honey Nut Cheerios. What does that mean? I know your wife smells because I've been with your wife. It's like a specific. Oh, wow. I know that box.

Yeah. So anyway, some guy's challenging him in the story. I don't know if it's true. One-on-one. And he just keeps, he's like, fuck it, find a park right now. He goes to take him one-on-one in his street clothes. He has an NBA check, which is like probably one check, like for whatever, a couple games, 48 grand or something. Maybe one game. Who knows what it was for. Yeah. Puts it there. He goes, if you can score one basket on me, you can have this. Oh!

You know how it ends. Damn. He locks him the fuck up, embarrasses him. Oh, that's great. You don't realize how good. I popped by West 4th, the park, to watch some hoops just before my cellar spots over the weekend. And you're like, these kids are incredible. Oh, really? I mean, they don't miss a shot. I'm watching with my friend. We're like, these kids don't miss one shot. Think how good pro athletes are.

I know, right? Was it a game game or was it just a pickup? No, it's a game. Oh, okay. There's uniforms and stuff. There's a ref. There's a guy in the mic, which looks fun. Yeah. You know? Because I walk by there every single day to go to the subway, and there's always some good, some bad. There's a little mix. But there's one son of a B who stands there, and when you walk by the chain link fence, he goes...

Point to a spot. I'll make a shot. And the first time I was like, all right, I got a minute. So I go right there. Shoots it. He makes it. He goes, give me another one. Give me another one. We'll go till I miss. And I'm like, all right, he'll miss eventually. Right there. He shoots it. He makes it. Give me another one. He's like an old white guy with a ponytail. So I'm like, how many shots can this guy actually make? I was there for like 28 minutes. The guy kept sinking it. The guy's a beast. I had no idea. I was like, I got to go, man.

Yeah. Damn. That was it. You got to love the old man in the park. Oh, yeah. I used to play on like 110th and there was like an old man who just like, he's just like a fat old man, but he could play. Yeah. Which is like nothing better than an old man, but he's a chubby old man. Yeah. And he had handles and he could shoot. And like the kids weren't locking him up like they could have. Sure. But it was fun. Yeah.

You know that guy's got some stories. He probably played with Isaiah Thomas in 1981. Any peeves, dude? Oh, I got a peeve for you. Buckle up for this one. And I hope I haven't said this before. I mean, we repeat on this podcast like you've never seen. Repeave. Beat you. All right. Repeat for a dream.

So, how about this guy? The guy who has to let you know he's not a certain thing when he tells you something? You know, he's like, look, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you should be drinking that much. And you're like, do you need to be a doctor? First of all, we know you're not a doctor. Or, hey, I'm not a scientist, but you better not mix those two whatever. And you're like, we all know you're not a scientist. No need to say it. And I'm mixing whiskey and gin. Okay.

What does that have to do with you being a doctor? Like we all know that's bad. So that, that pissed me off. I had a guy doing that all weekend. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm no, this I'm no, this he was, he was the waiter at the club and he kept being like, I'm no bartender, but, uh, I don't know about these long islands or whatever. And I'm like, all right, we got it. No, no, I'm just, I'm making an example, but I,

I hate that. You don't need to tell me you're not a doctor. You're a waiter. You have an apron on. You're at a comedy club. We know you're not a doctor. Yeah. No, it is. I know what you mean. After the third time, you're like, we know. Yeah. And you could tell he thought he was cool saying it. I'm no architect. You don't like cliche expressions. I hate them. I hate them. And then if you use them a lot, it's even worse. Yeah. I hear that.

Why? What do you got? I mean, I'm no therapist. But I got... You know what bugs me? And it's... I don't know if I've said this either, but...

You ever behind like one person in line and they take forever? I can handle a long moving line that takes even longer. Just mentally I can handle that. But when you're behind one person and they just won't move. Yes. What's happening? I know. What is going on? There's this guy in front of me at the bank. He just keeps going. I'm like, this has been 20 minutes. And then I hear him go, how was your day to the person? I go, oh, no, you didn't.

Don't you dare make small talk. How's your day? How's your day? Turn and say how's your day to me. I'll tell you how it's going. Fucking bad. Yeah. You're ruining my day. Damn. Speed it up. No small talk when you're holding up a line. No, that's crazy. This is a couple of New Yorkers here. But how about this guy? I go to Chipotle four times a day. You're obsessed with Chipotle. I love Chipotle. But nothing worse because you've got to go down the line. Give me beans. Give me tomato. Give me guac.

The taco guy kills you. Because if you order tacos, you get three tacos, and they go, a little bit of chicken on that one, that one beef, no cheese on that one, and it just triples the length of the ordering. So I let a guy in. You know, you both get to the door at the same time, and I go, all right, I open the door. Him and his friend go in. They both get tacos, and you go, ah, why did I let this chooch in? That's it. No, I know what you mean. Anything holding up a line...

Especially in New York, this is a fast-paced city. You're a New Orleans guy. When you're in New Orleans, maybe it doesn't bug you as much. So slow. It bugs me now. I've been New Yorkified. I went to school there for a year and a half, and I remember being like, wow, this is making me crazy. It made me crazy, too. Even the way they speak to you. So, how you doing? You're like, get to it! Yes!

Get the G out. Right. Gaffigan had a joke about how people from the South, they move like gravy. Like, we're just so slow and like... That's so good. Slovenly. And it's so true. I think it's because of the food. It's hot. We're eating gumbo. We're weighed down. Yeah, the South, the pace...

It's a different type of person. The pace here, you got to move it a little bit. I'll tell you another peeve. You ever behind like four people and they're perfectly spread out so they block the whole sidewalk? Yes. Yes, exactly. People who are slowing you down in any way in this city, even when I have nothing to do, I'm in a rush. Yeah. That's part of the city. So the four all spread out or in the rain. I'm not an umbrella guy. So the people who have like- Oh.

That's bad. The two people with the two umbrellas perfectly apart, now there's no way through. Yep, yep. Or even when there's one person, but they move kind of with you. Yeah, yeah. You're like, how is this happening? They don't see you. That's true. The Red Rover thing is so crazy because I'm like, I know you have four friends, but do you all have to be side by side? I guess-

what do you think that is why can't people walk yeah what are you the reservoir dogs movie poster yeah that's true it's brutal don't build that wall with your friends it does uh now there's gonna be someone commenting see walls work um but no it makes me crazy uh

The perfect formation. It really makes me, I don't know why. Or the, yeah, we're just annoyed by anyone in the way. My thing is just, what do you expect the rest of us to do? You think you're holding the whole sidewalk? You get the whole city? Avenue of the Americas is you? Yeah. Come on. What about the rest of us? We have to slide by you.

Not to mention they're all on their phones and the whole thing. This straw is terrible. Hate the paper straw. It's already melting. Yeah, it's closing up like a fucking vagina around Mark and I after listening to this podcast. I'll tell you. Hey. Vaginal walls. Build that wall. This is really. That's pretty good. It's really good. But the straw sucks. Yeah. The straw is terrible. And it doesn't make a difference. Oh, you got the donuts. Oh.

Oh, fun dad. It wouldn't be a we might be drunk if we weren't putting something poisonous in our body. You got that right. This is a carcinogen right here. Good save. Look, we got the glove here. Well done. That's not my... I'm a righty, so that's not the right hand, but... Ah-ha. Here we go. Oh, we got a lot of donuts.

They won't let you buy one. Here's a little, this is a fun life hack for you kids at home. Go to Dunkin' Donuts, get a coffee, and then go, can I have one munchkin? And the guy goes, get the fuck out of here, you chooch. And he throws it at you. That's fucking good. Because one would be like 11 cents. They should be paying us for this shit. This is good. Wait a minute. Are these jelly? It's a mix. Oh, jeez. It's like New York. It's mixed. I don't like the jelly. I gotta put a towel down. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

She didn't tell me. I didn't know. Damn it. You lied to me about the men's food. I'm no chef, but these are good donuts. You want one? Yeah. There we go. All right. Put hands on this pod. My gal's got an IUD, no period. Really? Yeah. And no pregnant. I don't know why every woman doesn't do this. The IUD. It hurts.

It hurts. She hated it for a day or two. And also, you ever feel the tip of it sometimes in your pee hole? I do. It's not great. Yeah, but at least you're long enough.

It's like the little Microsoft Word paperclip popping up, like, hey, may I help you? Like, ugh. Two urethras now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it feels like that. It's a weird... You feel that poke? It hurts. Yeah, you can't cap that off with something? Yeah, we can put a little, like... How about, like, a little pocket pussy at the end of that thing? Oh, a double putt. I hear puss on puss. Yeah, puss on puss. Puss on puss.

Hey, turf fucking. I like it. Why can't we put that at the end of the... Is that impossible? Well, this is where my girl would go, oh, sorry. I put this thing in my body. It hurts like hell. Then you get poked. Oh. You're like, well, I do get poked. It's a sensitive area, but I get it. Oh, yeah. Why can't we both complain? Yeah. We have a problem with that in America. Like, well, I go do this. Like, well, I go do this. Like, yeah, but mine's worse. Like, all right, but if you cut my leg off...

And I cut both your legs off. Sure, yours is worse, but can I complain about the one leg? Yeah. All right. No, I think you can complain. I mean, but don't you ever complain like a shitload and then you see someone in like the worst condition ever and you're just like. We were just talking about this at lunch. I'm just like, what am I doing with my life? Sure, sure. You're like, this guy's living in just abject misery right here. He's got no legs. He's in a wheelchair. It looks like he has like a brain injury. Yeah. And then you go like two more subway stops and you're like, can you move? Right.

Can you move? It's human nature. It's all relative. It is. But when that guy's around, you're like, God damn, I complain too much. But I think it's all about gratitude. So last night, I'm at Bert Kreischer's house. He bought this new house. It's unbelievable. The pool, the hammock, the hot tub, the fire pit, the deck, the barbecue. He's got a gym there. It's insane. And he's using all of it.

I go out there, he's laying in the pool. Then he hits the gym. Then he does a podcast. And then he's got these big dogs running around. And I was like, this house is incredible. We did a shoot. We had cigars after by the fire pit. He really uses it. And he really loves that house. And I feel like a lot of people get rich and they go, I'm bored. What's next?

He's like utilizing it and enjoying it. And I think that's the key. Do you remember when we went to Whitney Cummings place in LA? Not a room. There was, every room was empty. It was a giant mansion. One room was being used as a podcast studio. That was it.

It had pools and tennis courts and rock wall. I've been there too. It was under construction. Okay, I'd rather shit on her. She had one room just to cry in. But yeah, that's true. That house was very underutilized. In New York, that's just our only room. Right, right. That's just where we cry.

And that's the other thing. We live in Manhattan. So when I went to this guy's house, you're just like, oh my God, the front lawn is huge. But you still don't want to move, do you? No, I'm not going to LA. I'm not saying that. I don't want to catch on fire. But...

It was just really sweet how grateful he was. Isn't it funny when California people are like, we've got weather. I'm like, your city is literally on fire in Los Angeles. You're bragging about weather. God is sending you a message. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, this is fucking serious. Yeah, yeah. The crime is bad, the fire, and then the homeless, they have a skid row. Yeah. Where'd that term come from? I'll look it up. Please. Google, bitch.

I've always wondered what that means because there's a band. Little Shop of Horrors, too, has the song Skid Row. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Lumberjack camps in the Pacific North. LA's fun in small doses. It's fun in doses. Like I was excited to be there and excited to leave. That weather, though, is pretty nice. Skid Row has its origins in the lumberjack camps of the Pacific Northwest. There you go. Early pioneer days.

I don't get it. Alright, they would cut lumber along a carved out area of the wilderness. I guess that's Skid Row. I don't know why it's called Skid Row. This is like when the teacher explains something and you're like, I still don't understand. Still don't get it. I'm no professor, but I'm confused. Alright. Alright.

All right. Well, the homeless is getting out of hand. Everywhere. Here, too. They're just popping them up. Yeah. But in L.A., they're still handsome. They are. In L.A., you're like, shit, this guy was on The Surreal Life a few years ago. Theirs are more handsome, but I feel like ours are more talented. I think here you get a guy juggling or playing some buckets. You know, you got to work for it. Broadway versus TV homeless. Exactly. We have the song and dance homeless here. Right, right.

Because, you know, millions of people, you got to stand out. Yeah, you're like, this dude was on Cats and Broadway five years ago. Yeah. He can still crank out Mr. Mistoffelees on the F train because he's still got it. The homeless in New Orleans fucked up because they all do the same shit. They all found a rusty trumpet somewhere and they learn how to play it. Or we do the bottle caps on the bottom and they tap dance. And it's great, but I'm like, you see the same...

Shit block to block. You're like, yeah, yeah, when the Saints go marching in. Come on, move it. Exactly. But they get pretty good when you've got all day to practice. I used to have a joke about that, how you see a homeless guy come on the train and he's singing. You're like, oh my God, this guy's incredible. Then another guy comes on and he goes, I'm homeless. I don't have any money. And you're just like, ah, you came at a bad time. Ha, ha, ha.

You don't want to follow the really talented homeless guy, you know? That's true. You got to bring it. Yeah, that was the angle. It was like, you know, it's like here, it's like America's Got Talent. They're like, I'm homeless. I don't have any money. And you're like, and what will you be performing for us this evening? You did that show. Awful. Let's hear it.

Was this Howard Stern? No, I think if I had Stern on, I would have done better. Yeah. I think Stern really liked comics. Our boy Gary Veeder made the top five. That's right. He likes comics a lot. Howard Mandel is cool as shit. He's cool. But I was on when Simon replaced Howard, who's like, he was really nice. Oh, God, kill me. Look at this promo. Ah!

Kill me. How cool. What a cool dude. There we go. What do you think? It's five, six years ago? You got to have a story. My cousin will be famous in a few years. Ugh. So 30 for 30?

I gotta say, that was the best part actually, because they had to cut together me. I got a standing O at this show. Whoa. It's like a 5,000 seater in the Palisades. What? No, Pasadena, not Palisades. Pasadena. But I'll tell you the backstory for this in a sec, but yeah, keep going here. No, no, keep going. When the elevator the other day, I farted, I laughed. When the door, when the pretty girl came on, I was like, that's not funny anymore. And it was my stop. I got off, door shut. She stopped with a fart. Funny, yeah.

The cut to them all standing here. No, leave it. After a fart joke is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. And by the way, that set was in LA. I'm walking. They were like, we'll make it look like it's... I'm like, you're a New Yorker? Yeah, we can make it look like New York. They just have a set on some lot. Oh, that's great. They're like, this is a New York set. I'm like, I'm so unhappy right now. And then... They play in the Warner Brothers lot. I love the way they cut together. I'm just doing a fart joke. Everyone's like... Yeah. That's very...

And then, yeah, I remember before that set, these two Jewish rappers went on. And I thought they were kind of good. And Simon's like, you're terrible. You're the worst, least talented people I've ever seen. I'm just like, oh, my God, I've got to follow this. They didn't feed us for the longest time. I was panicking. I remember there was like, I'm texting my mom. I'm like, I'm so anxious. I have to be here for like 12 hours. No, no, hold on a sec. Everyone's like freaking out back there. And it's one of the things where they're like,

yeah we after I got off I got a standing O after I got off they were like we don't know if we're gonna use any of that and I was like I just flew to LA wow and I got a standing ovation like against like you picture you see comics bomb on this shit oh yeah I'm nervous and they're mean to you you don't just bomb you get picked apart yeah and it's like you have no like that's our biggest fear is not getting final cut and I remember uh

Yeah, I was freaked the fuck out. So after that, I was like, you might not use it. And then later they're like, we're going to use some of it. I was like, thanks.

God. Yeah. All this shit. Did you get a bump? Because that was a huge show. Yeah, when it aired, it was like a four-minute segment. I mean, it was like the biggest. It was like 10 million viewers. Four million. I mean, four minutes is a lot. Yeah, no. I mean, it's better than... Way better than like any... Because you think like... Think what like a late night set gets now. Like one million? Maybe. It's like 10 times that. Yeah. Wow. Or more maybe. You know, it was... Yeah, that show, when I did it, was huge. Damn. If I went far, I think it would have... But I don't think those...

Those fans are as loyal as real stand-up fans. No, no. Because you see people get a big bump from it and then it kind of fizzles. Right. I don't know if they stay with you. But they know what they're doing, those chit-chat.

Cheeky bastards. I did last comic, and they herd you like cattle. Then they don't feed you. They want you to get a little testy because it helps the bickering and the fighting and all that shit. We did last comic. They left us in a van for like an hour. They're like, sorry, guys. We're coming along. We got lost. We're sitting in a van. Now we're all fighting with each other in the van. And then I farted. Somebody got pissed, and it got ugly.

And they don't let you out of the van. They're like, stay in the van, blah, blah. Then we go and there's no lunch. They had tofu wraps. So, you know, these like fat black comics are like, what the fuck? You know, like pissed off. And then you got to perform. It was brutal. I did a last comic. I mean, those shows are painful and they really I remember the second. So I moved on in that round in the second round. God.

God, it was like they put me in some hotel where there's construction so I couldn't sleep. So it's like you're irritable. I'm like, I feel like they knew. Yeah, exactly. They're like, what place is getting like drilling early in the morning? Then you get there. They're trying to get me to shoot another comics in the show. I'm like, I'm not going to do it. How did they try and provoke that? They'd be like, what do you like? A comic was on bombing. And he's like, what do you think of this? And I was just like.

Some crowds are tough. I'm just avoiding them. I'm not giving them shit. I'm not going to tear someone down on fucking NBC. Good for you. That's messed up. Although it was bad. A lot of hacks. I'm not going to say that shit. No. And then I went on at midnight. I got there at 9 a.m. I went on at midnight. I did well still. I did do well, but...

By the way, George Lopez was a special guest judge. And I was like, come on, comic to comic. Give me that golden buzzer, dude. And I remember...

There was some Latino dance troupe that went on earlier. And he was like, you get the one golden buzzer. I was like, goddammit, you went Latino over comic. Come on. Yeah, Latino's going to win every time. And they were really good. And it was like, you see these people. There's like 12 of them. It's so funny. There's like 12 people. They all have to be in perfect order.

you know, sink. Yeah. They're stretching. They're doing all their thing. I'm literally, I can go on drunk. Like you realize what a ruse, what we're doing is because I'm panicking. I'm texting my mom like, Oh, I'm so nervous. And she's like, read a book. I'm like, read a book. There's two fucking slobs from Atlantic city dancing. Mambo number five next to me. I can just like get lost in literature right now. Come on. Right. This is insane. So I remember, uh, going out, uh,

And I do pretty well. I mean, the clips online, you can see it. I'm doing, I got like a, it was like a two and a half minute set. And I probably got at least one or two applause breaks. I did pretty well. Nice.

And I remember Simon's like, your first set was better. I'm like, it's midnight. Yeah. Jesus. This crowd's been here for 10 years, 10 hours. He was really nice in the first round, too. So I was like, maybe Simon's going to, maybe he'll be like my guy. Maybe Simon and I are going to have a bromance. I got a beef. My ex-girlfriend loved Simon. She's like, he's so sexy. I was like, what? That guy? He sucks. And she's like, he's something about him. He's sexy. I'm like, if you fucked him, he'd be like, your vagina sucks.

Your tits are bad. You need to change genders or whatever the hell. Your pussy is just dreadful. But when I did Last Comic, they hated me because they do the, so how do you feel? And you're going to wipe the floor with these other guys? And I'd be like, I don't know, maybe. And they were like, come on, come on. Like, what are you going to do? Are you going to take these kids to school? I'm like, well, some of them are pretty good. I might flub a line. And they cut the camera. Like, you got to be...

competitive but i'm like i'm not i'm just i just want to do well and they hated that they don't realize you don't want to it's so nerve-wracking to give someone your life story and see what they do with it like it's nerve-wracking enough to share it and you have control but then when you give it to someone else right you know it's in their best interest to make you look foolish because that's what people respond to yeah it's failure like we know a comic who went on agt and it's

They made him look worse than the actual set was. Like, they'd cut away to people like, what? Can you imagine going on and doing okay, and then they just cut to people like... Yeah. That was Louis C.K. Yeah. But yeah, reality sucks. Oh, what is that? What are they trying to show? That he got work done or something? Yeah, he got some neck suck in. You can see. Is it possible that he just lost weight? I think women find him a trick. He's mean and rich.

Yeah. Does he do anything for you as a lady? No, really? Who's like an older guy that you're like, that's a hot older guy? That's a good question. Clooney? It's kind of cliche. No, I don't think so. Yeah.

Harrison Ford. Sometimes I just see some nice zaddies on Instagram out of nowhere. Like the algorithm just puts them in front of me. I'm like, okay. But I don't know who they are. Yeah, that algorithm's pretty good. I mean, you go to my For You page and it's tits, Norm MacDonald, and...

That's it. That's hilarious. And like a little bit of skateboarding. I've got tits basketball on comedy. Yeah. I got Michael Jordan over Byron Russell in game six, or I have just some random milfs cleavage. Yeah. That's mine. Tits on your algorithm? Or is it just us? They're just mine.

Yours are on mine as well. But yeah. Tits. Tits. They keep the world round. So we do have some news. Oh, let's do some news. You guys want to jump into it? Jump in. Let's do it. This is a post. Uh-oh. Anne Frank still in the news after all these years. Tiverton Restaurant. That's in Rhode Island, right? Yeah, they wrote...

Can you widen that out? I'm trying to. A full screen. Tiverton Restaurant receives backlash for Anne Frank's social media post.

It's hotter than an oven in here. And I should know. Holy shit. That's not a good promo tactic, probably. The guy who posted it said, I didn't know that was Anne Frank when I posted it. That makes no sense. Yeah, what did you think? Was it Greta Thunberg? We all know that face. What do you think? Wait, so he's like, wait, so my perfectly structured joke no longer works. Right, right. Who do you think it is? Ha ha.

Even if he thought it was just some victim from the Holocaust. Yeah, it's still fucked up. Oh, not the famous one. Yeah, you really don't know where the world's going to go. You're like in an attic somewhere writing a diary and they're like, someday some dude with a bar in Rhode Island is going to use you as a punchline. Right, right. I think she's dealt with worse.

She can handle it. Oh, yeah. Tough, tough lady. All right. Well, Boomer Man is really struggling with the old HTML out here. She can handle a computer, man? Good Lord. All right.

Yeah, Anne Frank. That's like saying don't look down. You're just going to look at them. Did you read the book? Of course. Yeah. Yeah, did you? Pretty good, yeah. She's a good writer. Hey, we should make that the comedy we write. It's an Anne Frank comedy. It's about an addict. Like Springtime for Hitler? Yeah, exactly. Female heavy, strong female lead. She was pretty light by the end, I think. That's a good point. All right.

Woke warriors say identifying race of ancient human remains contributes to white supremacy. Activists don't want gender of human skeletons identified either as they can't escape their assigned sex. Wow.

Well, that's not going to be a problem for this generation because you can just pull up their Instagram and be like, look at that ass. Definitely a woman. That's true. Yeah. We got a lot more evidence these days. But that woman who had the ass can change. They could.

But also, it's like, I mean, you could just, I think we can say shit going forward, too. I don't know. Like, I, it's like, are you looking at, like, what does that mean? You're looking at Hitler, you're like, I mean, he identified as a man, we think. Yeah, he presented as white. I don't know what that means. I, you know. Yeah, what does that, what does it matter if they're, we get their race? What does that have to do with white supremacy? It doesn't. They're fucking dead. They're not going to be hurt by who they're assigned. Exactly. But I don't even get where white supremacy comes in.

I saw the story also. It had an angle saying it was like, don't assume their gender. When you dig up a Neanderthal, don't say it was a male Neanderthal or a female Neanderthal. Just say it was a Neanderthal. I think they had bigger problems back then. Yeah.

I think where's my next meal coming from? Right. Was a pretty big one. Yeah, here comes a mammoth. Yeah, exactly. Wow, we got too much time. Oldest known gay. All right. All right. Have archaeologists uncovered the remains of the first known gay man? The male skeleton was found on its side facing east.

Obviously a homo. And was surrounded by domestic jugs. Well, maybe not gags. Objects previously seen only in female graves. An oval egg-shaped container, usually associated with female burials, was also found at the feet of the skeleton. Hmm?

Well, I saw this article, and I think it's because some men were, you know, they were buried with like a bad lax or something like that. And this guy was buried streaming The Real Housewives. I think the true test, if we got the skeleton, you got to go off wrist. Yeah. You know, if we got a fucked up limp wrist, that's the gay test. When I see egg-shaped container, I'm thinking that's the vibrate. Ooh.

Is that a good vibrator? The egg? Yeah.

You remember that old DePaulo joke? He's like, I was hooking up with a girl. She pulled out a dildo. It looked like a pepper shaker. Big black thing. Pepper shaker. That's great. My gal texted me this weekend, which I don't know how to take this. She goes, I can't find my vibrator charger. And I'm like, all right, well, it's fun. I know you're about to jerk it, but also I'm not there and you're jerking, but also I

You have a vibrator? I don't know. It was a...

You thought of me for a weird reason. Yeah. You didn't think of me to help you come. You thought of me to help you find the thing that's going to help me come. That's a great point. That's weird. Yeah. I don't know. That shows my role. My role isn't getting her off. It's, you know, helping her fix shit. Yeah, you want to be on the fucking, on the floor. You don't want to be an assistant coach here. Right. But I wasn't there. You're the IT guy for her coming. Yes. There you go. Hello, customer service. Ha, ha, ha.

Thank you. Come again. All right. What about, yeah, that's weird. That's interesting. Although we never have to notify them when we're going to jack off. Ah, good point.

I still do, though. I don't have to, but I'm like, just want to let you know. I'm jerking one. Yeah, Phil Hanley, our boy, had us a joke about a girl's day and said, do you jack off to me? And he goes, oh, yeah. He goes, it's an easy crime to cover up. That's true. His other one. I don't know if this isn't a special. Maybe we'll cut this out if it is. I mean, it's going to be out soon anyway.

special yeah, the girl I'm seeing sent me a Still photo of her boobs, and she said I want you to jerk off to this and he's like what am I a world war 2 GI ah That's true. It's hard now. We've with the porn we have it's very relatable women will someone's ask you like like oh Did you jack off to that and you're like you do you want to see my browser history? Do you want to see what it's taken for me to nut yeah, I?

Now, here's why women and men are different. 1980s comedian. Let's get him a fucking blazer real quick. Please. I'll roll the sleeves up. If Phil Hanley sent me that photo of her tits and I jerked off to him and I was like, hey, I saw your tits and jerked off to him, she'd be like, what the fuck? But if I sent my gal a dick pic and she sent it to her friend and her friend jerked off to my dick, I'd be through the roof. I'd be on the moon.

I'm with you. Okay. I think you're right. It took me a second to process, but I think, yeah, it's a fair point. It's less violating. Yeah, if a woman saw a picture of my dong and had to rub one out, I don't care who it is. It could be my aunt. I'd be flattered. Eh, maybe not the aunt. Maybe the uncle. Also, Phil's girl sends him a picture of her tits.

It's less exciting than if you saw his girlfriends. That is also true. You're not supposed to see them. I had a woman dump. I want to do a bit about this. I had a woman dump a bottle of wine in my bed, like by accident. And I was like, oh, my God. And then she goes, she just grabbed my dick. I'll make it up to you. And I'm just like, that's fucking female privilege. Yeah.

I can't ruin your shit and be like, all right, whip out your vagina. That's so true. No, I'll make it up to you. I was with you the night after that. You told me, you're like, I just had the worst night. You were up all night, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a bad night. Tough night. Che had that great joke about how on his girlfriend's birthday, he would get her flowers, chocolate, take her out to dinner. On his birthday, she would blow him. And he's like...

That should be a Tuesday. Yeah, that should be a birthday. We should just be blowing each other all the time. Again, female priv. Yeah. You're not going to turn down a BJ, but yeah. No, it's not. Didn't you have another privilege joke you just told me an hour ago about your sneakers? Oh, that wasn't even a joke. One time, me and Che were hanging out, and I showed up, and I had some New Balance on. I had a hole in the sneaker, and he goes, that's white privilege. Because I think, as we were talking about, I think black people...

They dress so sharp because if they don't, people are like, what's up with that guy? Wow. So that's like, oh, you never think about that. Wow. You know? Yeah. Like Bill Burr had that great bit about how he's like, black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me. Which is, that's kind of profound. Wow. His bit. Speaking of, didn't you see the new Burr special? We did. We talked about it on here. We really blew it up. Yeah. We blew it up. We loved it. Yeah, I love Bill. He's excellent. So good.

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I think therapy is important. I'm in therapy. He mostly blames my mom. It works pretty well for me. No, she's a great woman. It's just therapy is good. You work on your shit, you deal with it. So you don't, you know, blow it up on someone else. It's like, it's like jacking off your way to let it load too long. You become horny as shit. You try to fuck everything. Do that with therapy.

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash drunk. All right, so Brooklyn Bishop robbed during sermon, taking over a million dollars in jewelry. Damn. Whoa.

Sure this was a bishop and not an old lady from Boca? Why does a bishop have a million dollars in jewelry? He doesn't. I think this is a work. I think this is a WWE work. What just happened? To like, raise money. He's laying down while the robbers come in. Oh, wow. Oh, there's a robbery. This guy on the left is like a assistant pastor or something, just not moving. That's a good cameraman, though. He's like, let me get all this. We'll get it captioned. We'll blow it up on IG. What the fuck?

This guy isn't doing anything? I'm so confused. Yeah, everything's off screen here. Is there an audience? I think it's recording it on TV. Oh. Where's your God now, bish? So they're robbing him of his jewelry here. Man, it's taking a long time to do that. Wow. Oh, robbing a bishop. I wonder if that's a worse crime than robbing a regular. Is it? I don't know. I don't know. I think that's like only with cops, probably. Officer down. Yeah. Yeah. You shoot an officer, it's way worse punishment.

Is that what it was? That was the whole thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. We didn't need a video for that. It wasn't like a very exciting video. Damn. Gunpoint, you saw the hooded guys come in and everything. That was wild. Yeah, dude. You know, my parents got held up at Gunpoint when I was 14 at my house. Yeah. That's why we moved eventually.

Damn, I remember in New Orleans, the one night my friends went out without me. Like, I was just like, I stayed in. They went out. They got held up at gunpoint. New Orleans, man. Oh, yeah. Scary. What happened with your parents? I was at a Mardi Gras parade, and it was like a Thursday night. I was out with a bunch of friends, catching beads, getting drunk. And I came home. There's a bunch of cop cars, and, you know, I see my mom talking to the police. I'm...

I cry. I'm freaking out. I'm like, what the hell happened? Because you just assume they're dead. You see all the cop cars, the neighborhood. Yeah, this is the movie. You're running in slow motion. Yes, exactly. And you run in. The cop goes, you better not. He's holding me. I push him off me. You're on your knees. They're playing Gimme Shelter. Yeah.

So I see my brother, my dad, and they're all talking to the police. And the cops are doing this shit. And I'm like, oh, okay. They're all okay. And then one of the cops told me what happened. And I just broke down. And then this is stupid 16 or 15-year-old boy thinking. I go...

Get in the car, boys. And me and my friends drive around New Orleans aimlessly. Like, we see those guys wearing my mom's pearls and my brother's shoes or whatever. We're going to get out and beat the shit out of them. Meanwhile, it's like two scary ex-cons with guns.

But we're like, let's drive around. You know, my friends are like, okay. And I'm looking out the window. Let them run out of steam. Just keep driving. Yeah, exactly. The second you see them, you run out. You're like, you piece of shit. Immediately get shot. Yeah, yeah. But they caught the guys. Did they? They went because they took the credit cards and the ATM and they went to the ATM. And then we got the video footage. My dad ID'd them. They're wearing clean sneakers, but they turned out they were your brothers. So that's how they... Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. So they got him, but that was like the last paper straw, and we got the hell out of there. Did your mom give him the code to the ATM, Bosco? Yeah. Did that happen? Oh, yeah, all of it. Did you say Bosco? Bosco. That's a Seinfeld. Bosco's pretty good. But did she give him the code?

Yeah, yeah. That's scary. That's right, Bosco. George likes Bosco. And after that, my mom had to go to therapy, and that was in the 90s when it was like, oh shit, she needs therapy. Damn. To cut to every person we know in therapy. Yeah. Now it's like we're in a real therapy...

movement right now oh yeah it's a good time to be a therapist that job was really pandemic proof too like holy shit that was like the only job that got like better during the pandemic you're like oh i don't have to pay for an office anymore i just chill at home and right good point did you do therapy yeah i was gonna say they're at home mine had to like check on muffins well oh yeah i

Ding. Oh, mine would have his wife like talking to me. He's like, I'm in a session. And I'd be like, hold on one second. Let me just deal with something. Yeah, this never happened when I went to your office. Yeah, my therapist is running a restaurant. He had an Anne Frank poster. It was crazy. But his jokes were good. Yeah.

By the way, if you take a text while you're in therapy, your therapist will be like, this is really hostile what you just did to me. Meanwhile, this guy is taking – I take texts in therapy sometimes. You do? Not face-to-face. No, I don't. Okay. On Zoom. Well, it's because it would pop up. I have to – I sometimes forget to shut off my messages. Oh, right. They pop up. And if it's nothing important, I don't respond. But, you know, sometimes something pops up. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. And you can't help but see it. If a text pops up on your phone and you see it, you can't ignore it because now your brain is...

Thinking about that and processing that. You ever feel like that one hour is when Hollywood's going to call, like, they want you to be the new Spider-Man. I'm like, dude, I missed it. Yeah, I was bettering myself. Andrew Garfield's out. Sam Morrell's in. I'm like, no, it expired. It was only for 13 minutes. But that's the thing is every time I go, I'm taking a phone break. I'm putting my phone down. I'm putting it on airplane mode. And then you open it and your mom's like, I'm having another conversation.

kid what's going on here you just look back it just says rape 40 times you're like what yeah

The hell? You look behind you, a guy's raping you. Fuck. Should answer by text. You do. That does happen though with like question mark, question mark. I'm like the one time I put my fucking phone down. I know. I know. But then really, do you ever really miss anything? I know. I know. My therapist doesn't. I mean, he's pretty good about it. But the one thing is he's older, so I will deal with like tech shit on the phone.

uh, on the zoom sometimes where he's like, I can't hear you. I'm like, I hope this isn't coming out of my time right here. Yeah. Right. That's true. You ever had them cancel on you? Feels pretty good. That's a good feeling. It is good. Cause you're like, yeah, I got, I got some, I'll do something else. Yeah. Cause I don't really want to go, but I know I have to. Right. So when they cancel, you're like, it's, it's nice. What do you add about a once every two weeks, every week, every week. Wow. What are you doing? I do once every two now. Yeah. I've been spacing it out. Yeah. But, uh,

I don't know. The weekly was, I was making up stuff. You know, I was like, I'm out. I'm out of shit. Like, how about those nets? You know, you're making up shit. Well, yeah, I was running out of shit, but I had to fill the tub and pay it for the guy. Yeah. You're running bits. Yeah. It's not a bad place to like sneak a bit in. That's true. Cause this is like, he's not faking laughs. That's true. You know, and I've told you shit that, that Alan has said to me and you're like, that's a bit.

So I've gotten bits out of it. And so have you. You get bits there. And also, yeah, because also it's like a place your mind is free. Like if you don't look at text for like an hour, you're like, holy shit, my brain is moving at a different speed. And you're unloading and you're vulnerable. So it's almost like a podcast. When I do get a laugh out of him, I'm like, I take it down. I'm like, how many people take notes in therapy? And he goes, you're the only one. I was like, all right.

You take notes? I take notes. Whoa. If he says something really heavy, I don't want to forget it. Oh, see, I just... If he says something really good, I know I will forget it if I don't take a note. I don't do that. That's a good observation. I film it. I film the whole thing. I bring a camera in there. Well, speaking of bits, you guys cooking up anything? Oh, I got a hot one. I got some ideas. You go first. I need your help on an ending, but it's...

I finally have a good one. I feel like the last four weeks I've been bombing with the new bits. That's kind of what this is for. I feel weird when I bring something too prepared on here. True. But sometimes my shit's either so bad it's not worth bringing in or it's kind of finished. Exactly. It's hard to find that middle ground sometimes. Exactly, yeah. Yeah. So...

One of our friends is sober. I wonder who this could be about. Yeah, exactly. We've got a couple sober friends. That's true. But he's sober because the last time he got shit-faced, he fucked somebody and got herpes. So now he has herpes and he's sober. But every time we hang out,

we can't drink obviously cause he's sober. So we have to like have all these activities. We have to go fucking bicycling or canoeing. And I'm like, or repelling. And I'm like, dude, just cause you have herpes doesn't mean we have to do the commercial. Wow. That's funny. And that hits. And now I'm like, all right, now where do I go with it? So I thought about like, what about the side effects? You know, you always hear herpes medication side effects. And, uh,

He's like, yeah, there's medication. I'm on the side effects are like depression, laziness, suicidal thoughts. And I'm like, maybe I have herpes. And that's one way I might go with it. Well, I would take out laziness because you're being active in the joke, too. So I would say like depression, suicidal thoughts, you know, hiking, anxiety or neurotic. Yeah. Neurosis, explosive diarrhea. You're like, shit, I think I have herpes. Right. Right.

So the first part is hitting, and I might try that one tonight on some show, that second part, because I feel like a joke has to have, it's got to have a little more than just that one laugh. Yeah. It feels like I'm leaving shit on the table here. Yeah, no, I think that's funny. I mean, I also think it's funny that, like, you have to be more active because he has herpes. Yes. Like, his mistake is making you do cardio now. Ah.

Oh, that's good. You're like, I have to go shoot hoops in the park because you fucked a chick with an STD? This is crazy. But it's making my life better. Hopefully you get chlamydia. Next thing I know, I've got a 12-pack. Next thing I know, I'm in a triathlon. It's like the new P90X. Your friend's getting... Yes. He drank a 12-pack. You've got a 12-pack. Ah, there you go. There we go. 12-pack. Salamanca. Nice. Hector Salamanca.

Okay, what do you got? So I had one. I don't know where to go yet, but the idea is I'm looking at apartments, and it's a lot like going on dates.

You know what I mean? Like you look at the apartment and then you're like, wow, this is at first you're like, this is great. And then like and then after a minute, you're like, oh, shit. Whoever was here last did a real number on this place. I don't know. That's good. Like the last guy might have fucked this up a little bit. That's good. I mean, that's good. Like the first part did OK. Well, I'm just like, yeah, it's a lot like Internet dating. The pictures always look better online. That there was like whatever. Yeah. And this that's the line that hit.

The line where I'm like, whoever was here last really fucked it up. I don't know where to go next. It's like one of them was like, it'd be easier to go dating if you had like a dating realtor. Like someone to like make you... Who built up the person you're dating with. I like that. Someone who's like...

This girl, have you seen this girl? She's already gotten multiple offers today. Like this girl. Because I was looking at a place and this guy was like trying to show... You ever go to one of these places? This may be a different bit, but this guy is like... He's like, dude, this building is going to blow you away. We're in the elevator. He's like, do you see how fast that elevator was? I'm like, you're not going to sell me on an apartment. I'm not Amish. Yeah, yeah. The elevator is not shocking me. Yeah, well...

I tried to do a bit like this, and Dave Attell had a similar bit, so I dropped it. But I was doing Tinder and Zillow, how similar they are. But this is different. Yeah, yeah. But I dropped it. I know that Attell bit where he's like, I'd like to dump a load in that, like washer dryer. Exactly, exactly. I'd like to dump a hot load in that. Yeah. It's a great bit. But how about the difference between dating and apartment hunting is you want to make it serious immediately. Like if you like the apartment, you're like, I'm going to do it.

That's the angle. I'm moving in. You know, with a girl, you're like, I'll move in in a year or two years or whatever. I'm not signing shit. Yes, exactly. You're like, hey, with an apartment, you're not like, what else do you have? Yeah, yeah. Oh, and how about the last guy fucked this up, but she's got a lot of work done. You know, fake tits. No, the difference is work done on an apartment is good. Ah.

Work done on a woman is not as good. Yeah, we go. You're like signing a lease and signing a prenup. Right, right. New kitchen, new face. Yeah, yeah. New kitchen, new tits. Although, come on. Oh, how about this? Here's your tag.

That last place was really fun. I mean, we went in the back door. All right. I'll see you all in hell. Thank you, Sponsorus. He's doing... I mean, considering we feel like shit, this isn't like the worst, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, I did a KFC radio. Today? No, no. This is like last week. And, you know, it's at Barstool. Yeah. I go in there. They're all watching us. Every monitor is me, you, doing this show. And then I saw one they were watching Kreischer. One was watching Tiger Belly. I'm like, I was walking down the halls there. I was getting high fives. Dude, I got to go in for you. So I closed the bar down on Saturday night. Yeah. I'm drinking at a classic New York place called Corner Bistro.

Oh, great spot. One of Bourdain's favorite spots, too. Great late-night burger. Mike Myers there a lot. Really? Yeah, all the time. Does he have butcher's knife? He's a regular there. Wrong Mike Myers. Thanks, Joke.

But, you know, we were there all night, and my boy John Weisberg, we're hanging, getting lit up. That's a great spot. The bartender is cool as shit, this guy Jack. And he goes, he made some comment, and then he was like, we were talking for a while, and he's like, what do you do? I said, I'm a comic and whatever. And he's like, oh, man, I used to bartend at this place, and they get all kinds of huge names popping in. Like this guy Mark Norman. My friend and I, we both started laughing our ass off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a low bar for a huge name. You can scrape a barrel at this place. I knew we wouldn't be able to take that compliment. You know what? The new compliment is my friends are sending me shit on dating apps, and they're like, guys, like I know a girl, and she's like, guys are using you in their photo as their cover. That's a big one. That's kind of nice. Yeah. That is nice. Yeah, so thanks for sending those, ladies.

Hell yeah. Wait, this is Corner Bistro? Yeah, yeah. Go in there sometime. I love that. I go there all the time. That's one of my favorite village spots. Very village. We were drinking a lot of vodka all night, and then at some point we were drunk enough that we switched to White Claw. And let me tell you something, man. White Claw is fucking good. It goes down easy. I like White Claw. Black Cherry White Claw. Let's fucking go. That's my favorite flavor, too. Love it. But the hangover is nothing nice. Yeah, why is the hangover so bad? Because it's all corn syrup. It's all chemicals. Is there a lot of corn syrup in it?

it's malt liquor yeah it doesn't say what the liquor is so it's like a malt liquor exactly yeah it really fucks you I really was hurting yeah it's a smart drink though because it's so light and airy that you feel like you're not doing anything then three later you're like woo I'm hammered yeah I was not feeling good yeah you don't want to end on White Claw so you close the place out like what 4am what is that 4am yeah wow that's impressive thank you

Yeah, it really is. Impressive is really the right word for that. Not sad and pathetic. Well, that's the problem with Houston. But in New York, the bar closes at 4, you go home, you go to bed. In Houston, the bar closes and then we would go to a friend's house and drink there because everybody's house is so big and there's a big couch. You don't bring people to your house in New York. Yeah. You know, it's too tight. Tight. Yeah, any recs? By the way, I watched The Bear on your rec.

It's incredible. It's pretty good, right? Man, that main, all the acting's incredible. Acting's great. That main dude, I'm like, holy shit. Like, that's like, and the guy who plays the cousin, I'm like, that's like a. He steals it. That's like a De Niro, Mean Streets. Yes. Eric Roberts, Pope and Greenwich Village type of character. He's from the last season of Girls. He's excellent. Oh, really? Amazing, yeah. They're all, and the cast is so good. It's beautifully, it feels so Chicago. Yes. The big Malort sign. Yes.

Yes! I love it. I love when something is a love letter to a city like that. It's so good. It captures it with the L train and everything. I know some people that don't like it. I talked to a couple people that don't like it, but it's so up our alley, I feel like. The way that tension... So fast. Yes. That last episode is so good. Oh, I haven't gotten to it. Have you? I finished it, yeah. Oh my God. Not to give anything away, but the first half of the last episode where they just...

It's heavy. Get there, baby. I also have heard, I haven't seen this show, but I've heard the new show also on FX, The Old Man is Incredible. I heard that too, actually.

My parents love it, and our boy Ronon was like, it's so good. Oh, and he hates everything. He hates everything. He's such a fucking hater. Interesting. Are you guys watching The Offer? People keep wrecking that to me, The Offer. I know, I haven't seen it. Miles Teller. Yeah, yeah, it's the story of the... It's about the making of The Godfather. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you can't go wrong with Jeff Bridges and John Lithgow. I know, right? Two titans. By the way, we see you guys harassing Charlie Sheen on social media to come on this podcast. Keep coming, baby. Keep doing it. Keep hitting up the Sheen. Even Simon Rex, our boy, even texted me. Did he text you? No. He said...

I'm listening to the pod. I hear the sheen. It's all loud and clear. I've already texted him about it. He said, I haven't heard back. He might have changed his number. He changes his number a lot. We're getting that. That's one degree of separation. Exactly. We're there. We're close. That's what cool party dudes do. They change their number a lot.

Yeah, that's true. I got to do that. I have the same numbers as high school. Me too. I ran into someone on the street. He was like, same numbers? Yeah. Yeah, same, same. People always go, what's your number? And I write it down. They go, 504, New Orleans. I'm like, yeah, same number. That expression, I've got your number. Oh, yeah. Where's that from? That's got to be that. It's got to be that. I've got your number.

Yeah, 917. Are you 917? Damn. When 646 came in, I was kind of like, I want no part of that. What about 314 is the other one? There's a third New York. I don't know. I think it's 314. 212 is a New York one. 212 as well. That's it. 347. Sorry. Damn. Late bloomer over here. Sorry, bro.

Sorry, dude. Nerd alert. Put the gun down, Matt. Put it down. Oh, fuck. He's dead. Yeah. He fucking killed himself. Sorry. I think we went a week without a shooting.

Did we? Hey, look at us. Depending when this comes out. Yeah, good point. And also depending what you consider a shooting. That's definitely not true. That's true. That's 100% not true. Yeah, you got me there. So you're doing a wreck there, Mark? I'll look this up. Oh, yeah. I didn't even give one either. You did the bear. No, but that was Mark's wreck. I was commenting on the wreck that he gave that I now watched. Well, I could wreck Pedialyte. Also, I want to give a shout out to High Noon because that is the best seltzer, I think. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I can't wait till we do those RPDs. Is that what they call it? Those little canned drinks? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

RTDs, sorry. What do I call them? RPDs? Yeah. Role-playing game. Yeah, RPD. RTD. Sorry. I want to do Old Pals. I want to do Manhattan's. I want to do Boulevardier's. Yeah. And you don't see those, so that'll be... Exactly. Old Pals. That sounds great. And I got to give a shout-out to our guy, Chris, who's the whiskey distillerer.

And I had lunch with him in Houston. He got us steaks and shrimp and oysters. It was amazing. I saw that. He was texting me. He gave me some great bottles to take home. Did he give you some bottles? No. No, what the hell? He took you to dinner. Yeah. But I drank some of it last night. It's great. He gave me great whiskey. Oh, he knows his stuff. I'm pumped. I mean, he's been fun to work with. I think we're going to have this. I know Bodega Cat's been taking forever, guys. It's really, we're this close. Now it's like getting past some bullshit.

Yeah. State laws, but we're there. It's coming. It'll be online first, and then eventually, he said he's going to send us 10 cases. Dude, it's going. And we'll send it to our friends and families. I'll bring bottles out. I mean, I already brought it to the cellar one night. I was drinking it with Phil Hanley, Liz, the manager, Shane Gillis. They were all very, very impressed. Yeah. It's going to be at the Comedy Cellar by the end of the year. Hell yeah. And you can order it at the Comedy Cellar. Yeah.

That's gonna be fucking cool. How New York is that trip? How New York is that trip? You go to the cellar and you get Bodega Cat? Yes, good point. Wait, you're a distributor? Yeah, I work with the distributors, so hopefully it comes my way. See, it's all locking in. I would love to get that on menus. Please. Let's get that shit. She's in with every bar in the city.

Let's get into some classic bars in New York. What are some classic bars that need a corner bistro? I mentioned it to him, and he was like, we'll see. I'll bring a bottle in, man. Oh, please. I'll fucking bring a bottle in. Mark, you do it. Oh, yeah, I'm a big shot. He's a big shot. I'll bring a head shot in. Holy shit, are you big-name comedian Mark Norman? We got stopped in the street on the way here. Some guy goes, hey, man, I'm a comedian. No, no, he first said, hey, you're sexy. Oh, yeah, hey, you sexy beast or something. And I was like, oh, hey, and he goes...

I gotta talk to you, which immediately I'm like, I'm out. I don't want to talk to you. You're out of the closet? Yeah, I'm out of the closet.

And he goes, I got to talk to you. And I'm like, all right. Well, there you go. And he goes, I'm a comedian. I go, all right. That's sweet in the deal. And I got out of there. Literally everything that Mark doesn't want to hear. Yeah. Do my podcast. And you're like, all right. Right. There's no chance that will benefit me in any way if I stop. Oh, I know. You know, it'll be like, can I do your pod? Can you give me some tips? Can you take me on the road? Whatever it is. Yeah.

How's that Pedialyte treating you? Grape is a good flavor. Do you want to try it? I'll take a sip. It's fucking delicious. Love a little grape. It's a great flavor. Grape culture. This poor bastard was on the red eye today. Oh, yeah. Got off a red eye this morning. Yeah, dude. I took, listen to this cocktail of sleeping pill. I took three melatonin, half a Xanax, one sleeping pill, and an edible. You got to be careful there. I slept the whole thing. I didn't even plug my phone in because I fell asleep so early and I woke up to eee.

Oh, yeah. A bad landing is really the worst thing. It was bad, but it woke me up. I had a bad landing recently. It was the last flight I took.

really bad landing and just like we just went boom everyone's like oh my god what's good about that is you don't have long enough to be scared that's true it just happened you're like what the fuck man try not to make a kobe we're gonna keep it moving but yeah yeah bad landing is rough you know what else is a bitch in a flight is uh when you do you sleep on planes i'm i can't uh not even a cat nap

If I'm in one of those lay flats, I can maybe. Oh, yeah. But I'm still sick three, so those fucking lay flats are even. Even in those lay flats, my toes are kind of peeking out. That's true, yeah. Can you sleep? I can sleep pretty good. I can get like an hour, but I drool. So first off, I wake myself up going, ah, shit. Then you're all embarrassed, and then you're like, ah, and it's on your shirt.

So it's a mess Terrible But it's worth it for the shoot I sat next to a really bad guy on the way back from Costa Rica I did a red eye too and every like, so it was dark in the plane, quiet Yeah Every so often you just hear This is the guy next to me I hate that loud yawn guy And then he like would ping the, you know, the guy Do you think he was trying to get your attention? No, he was just, that's just him, something was off Cause then when the guy came he'd be like Can I get a Pepsi with ice like screaming He's right here

And everyone just woke up. Yeah. I don't want to get you guys riled up here, you two. But we had a nice, peaceful plane ride. You know, it's red-eye, so those lights go off immediately. Orthodox Jewish kids...

They wouldn't shut the fuck up. Everybody hated them. Brutal. They had the hair thing going and everything. The pay-us. Yeah, brutal. Don't make a pay-us joke. I'm not. I did it once. I got it out. Don't do it. But every kid on the plane was fine. Hispanic kid, black kid, white kid. But those Orthodox Jews would not shut the fuck up. Well, there was that story years ago where these Orthodox Jews would not...

Like they won't sit next to women on flights. So they won't change seats until the flight gets delayed. And it's like, you've got to check your religion on the flight. Exactly. What does your religion say about the red eye or being on a plane at all? So, like, what does it matter? I mean, it didn't help I was throwing bacon at him. But, all right. Fuck you, pay us. Fuck you, pay me. Leave your religion off the flight. Do you hear that, ISIS?

We're on the plane. Take it easy. Well, that one more so. That one's more upsetting than the loud Jewish kids. It's close. I hope this episode doesn't get flagged on YouTube. No. YouTube is cooler than Instagram, right? Instagram will flag fucking anything. Everybody's getting flagged now. I'm fucking shadow banned still. Really? So what is going on? I don't know. How do you get out of it?

Like, be a nice boy. It's only one way out. A John Wick-type revenge journey. Here's the movie. We got the pitch. But yeah, Billy Wayne Davis, a comedian, friend, funny guy, he did a Tucker Carlson joke and it got flagged. Wow. So it's like you get it on both sides. Yeah. It's crazy.

Everybody's nervous. I got a toast. We haven't done a toast yet. Oh, toast. I love a toast. Never done it. We haven't done it in a while. I got a new one. This is a weird one, but a toast to pantry items. Pantry items? Peanut butter, tuna, beans. They're fucking clutch. Sometimes you're just like, I don't have time. I just want to open a can of tuna. I want to make a quick melt.

Yeah. I like the pantry items. I like how you can kind of bust them open whenever you feel like it. They don't go bad. They don't go bad. That's true. The peanut butter, you don't have to refrigerate it. You just pop it open. You take a scoop. I do that every morning. Love a pantry item. All right. I never heard of it referred to as a pantry item. Is that not a pantry item? It's a pantry item.

What about a cupboard? It could also be a cupboard item. All right. All right. Well, my side checked out. Okay. I like some tuna. Tuna's always salad. Tuna. I eat it out of the can. I'll put a little olive oil and salt on. That's what I do. You know what I do sometimes? A little olive oil, everything bagel seasoning. Oh, I got the same thing. I get crazy. I go ranch.

You mix it up a little. It's like a tuna salad. That sounds nice. I mean, you do mayo. Why not a tangier mayo? Have you seen the tuna in a bag? Oh, the sealed, hermetically sealed. Yeah, it's kind of like a meal ready to eat. They have a hotel lobby sometimes. You're drunk at the end of the night. I'm like, give me that tuna and the saltines. I've done the same thing. That's a sad moment right there. You're like,

I got leftovers at a restaurant, put it in my mini fridge in the hotel, forgot about it, got drunk, woke up. Now I got this, it's basically beef stew and rice, congealed, no microwave. It's four in the morning. I got no fork. I don't want to be an animal and use my hands. I noticed there's two coffee stirrers on the little coffee thing. Chopstick situation? Exactly. I take them and I...

force fed myself that fatty brown viscous jizz all night and went to bed love it yeah I had the eating ass ring around my face when I woke up the rocky music plays he's like figuring it out yeah

Nothing worse to when you wake up in a hotel and the sheets are dirty from doing this shit. Oh, dirty sheets in a hotel. You're just like, who raised me? What kind of animal am I? It looked like a big skid mark. Gotta leave that extra tip too when you're like, I'm really gross. This is a really, I left this room gross. Yeah. You ever get in a, I know we gotta wrap this thing up, but you ever look down a hotel, you're walking down a hotel hallway and you look in some rooms, they have the door open, there's some wild shit going on in there. Like,

boxes of snacks and waters and just stuffed animals and you're like how long are you living here

It's gross. - Pelican players? - You think we have the rights to Bill Conti? - Is that who that is? - Isn't it? - Wow, good, it is. Wow, what a pull. - Oh, you better believe this is on my gym playlist. There's a fucking rec for you, a gym playlist. - Yeah, that's big. - Love a gym playlist. - That is big. - That'll fucking get you ready to go down. I mean, you're hungover, I forced myself to just bike a little bit, do some pushups. I had to force myself 'cause I was so hungover, but I was like, I'm gonna hate myself if I don't work out and take a cold shower.

Yeah. But, yeah, you got that Jim Playlist. Got a little of that shit on there. Got a little bit of do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight. Great composer, too, Jim Playlist. I don't know if you know him. What do you got on there? What's on my Jim Playlist? I go, sadly, I go 90s alternative. Like what are we talking? Like, I feel alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pearl Jam, shit like that. Mark's getting yoked to Third Eye Blind. Yes. Semi-chopped kind of life, baby. Yeah, Mambo No. 5, Thong Song. It's all 90s. Do you really have all that shit up there? I love the 90s. Sugar Ray? Oh, I can fly.

That's the only guy who left a rock star life to be on Extra. That's true. What a weird... It's like, do you want to tour as a rock star? He's like, no, I'd rather be the guy who comes down when you're in a hotel on the road. Yeah, him and Smash Mouth. Yeah. Well, actually, no. Do they still go on? They're still touring. They're still touring. They have some fucking... They're catchy. They have some hits, dude. You can't deny it. Lead singer, like, wasted. Like, not doing well. Oh, good for him. Singing on stage. Pull him up. He looks like an evil Guy Fieri. Yeah.

They've got some... You can pretend you don't like them, but when you hear... You're in a good mood when you hear that shit. Yeah. It's fun. That was in the movie Shrek. Look at that. That's Guy Fieri, the twin, the evil twin. Guy Fettuccine. Jamie's singing. All right. We got... I mean, some of those songs are fun, man.

All-star. Yeah. I mean, they're cheesy, but they're fun. They're fun. Walking on the sun. Hits for a reason. That made them billions, I bet. I think those are heavily sampled songs. Billions? I think it made them billions. Billions? Not even close to. I think someone else owns those songs because they're very heavily sampled. All right. Maybe not billions. I don't know anything about numbers. Billions? Billions?

good show we gotta wrap this thing up we gotta wrap this up tour dates should we do some tour dates oh yeah what do you got here I'm going off the dome well my special's coming out on September 1st Netflix you better fucking watch that shit wait what did you say Netflix yes sir same time tomorrow did you just announce that just now no it was last week good for you Jack thank you bro now are you doing a I don't

I don't know, what do you do on the internet? Like a premiere thing where you talk to the fans and an hour before? I'll figure it out. Same time tomorrow, September 1st, Netflix, tell your friends. I'll be on...

I'll be in Burlington, Vermont coming up. Dania Beach, Louisville, Miami. Not Miami. What does that say? Irvine. I'm fucking blind. Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, OKC, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. See you on the road. Samuel.com slash shows. And those are the shows you want to go to because Netflix will be out. So you'll be working it out. Yeah, dude. I'm working it out. Go see the Craftsman Crafting. I will be in. Oh, geez.

Well, I'm going off the top of the dome. Seattle, Portland, Maine, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, Toronto, New Orleans, Boston. Keep going. Keep going. Show all dates. Keep going. Keep going. Richmond, Funny Bone, Red Rocks Amphitheater, Atlanta.

Something in Bakersfield at the brewing company San Jose Improv. Toronto, Canada in October. Oh, Lincoln, Nebraska. Oh, Pittsburgh, the Roxian Theater and Royal Oak, Michigan Theater there. Oh, Philly at the Fillmore, Nashville, Boston, New Haven, Connecticut. So come on out and say hello. Best pizza in the country, brother. Pepe's. Yeah. Very good. Sinatra used to get it delivered to his house.

All right, that's it. We might be drunk. Get yourself a drink, a Pedialyte, a fake tit. We'll see you out there, folks. Thank you. Thank you, Jamie. Salamanca. Sally. Gotham Studios, Matt Peters. Hey, I got to piss.