Ep 91: Tom Papa & Martinis
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Hey, hey, here we are, folks. We might be drunk. We're really doing it. We got cheesy bread, homemade. Sam's here, and we have our guest, Tom Pop, everybody. Hurrah! Thanks for having me, fellas. Are you a bread snob? I know you eat a lot of bread. Yeah, so you'll tell us if this sucks. Yeah. And you made this from scratch? Holy shit. You did.

Good for you. How long have you been baking bread? Off and on all the time. Off and on? It's cheaper to buy it. Yeah. Is it? And it's better. And what is in this? Sausage. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Two cheeses. I'm off bread. Why? This is good. Oh, it's warm. Really good.

Nice job. Once sausage hits, you're just like, what bread? You're just carrying sausage. Right. Good job. Would you say it if it wasn't? I would. Okay. This is really good. I have no problem saying it. When I saw it from afar, I was like, I don't know. That crust looks a little pale. Ooh. But it's that kind of bread.

You nailed it. And there's nothing people love more on podcasts than hearing chewing. My whole podcast is about eating with each other and hanging out. And anything crunchy, the people, I'm like, that's what the podcast is. Stop the goddamn chewing. Yeah, you wouldn't do that with porn. All I heard was smacking.

And you don't, you're here chewing all your whole life. You're sitting with people, you're here chewing. It's a big deal. Great job. Nice work. You have other, this is your go-to bread. Yeah. Do you have like one bread that you've mastered and this is it or do you fuck around with other breads? Can't go wrong.

Sausage. So good. Oh, my God. Very good. Yeah. Well done. You filled his market of non-gay bread maker lover. Yeah. That's pretty rare. It is very rare. If I was single, it would really be a thing. Oh.

Women are very attracted. It's kind of a fireman thing. Like a guy who bakes. I've never seen a baking calendar. Yeah. You haven't been in my world for a while. The fireman who eats bread. It's a grocer calendar. A fireman with a sausage bread. So good. All right. Well done. You're right, though. You think fireman chili. You do think of the cooking.

Oh, that's true. You have a bit I love about how everyone's frantically working out. They don't eat bread. And you're like, you're three pounds lighter. And you're miserable. No one will ever know. Yeah. No one will ever know. Yeah. I was at, I can name drop, I was at a dinner before Largo set for Judd Apatow's charity show at Largo. And we're at dinner and he's going on vacation in like two days. And

And he really, really, really wants the chicken parmesan. He like really wants it. But he's like, but I want to look good on the boat. Judd, you could have five chicken parmesans. No one's going to know. In your head, you feel swollen and fat and shitty. But you look for the outside exactly the same. And no one's looking at Judd for hotness.

No offense, but that ship has sailed. Except for Judd, like in his mind. I guess so. I guess so. Former guest. Former guest. Oh, yeah, he was on here? We actually didn't drink. We didn't drink on that episode because we had Bert Kreischer on the day before. Oh, God. And he nearly killed us with his drinking. Did he really? We drank so much on the app, and then he's like, let's go to a bar. We're like, dude, we're fucking dying. We did three hours. He cried.

He laughed. He did everything. It was a lot. Is he... I guess he's our Ron White, right? Like, he's... Yeah, I guess so. Ron was like a so-slip... Ron was like a slow-sipping whiskey guy or tequila guy. Bert is like a throw-em-all-dead... Party guy. The way Homer Simpson would eat donuts, that's Bert with alcohol. You know?

Yeah. And Ron quit drinking. I don't know if you saw that. No, I didn't see that. So he's like, his crown is gone. Now it's all burnt. So it's all burnt. I guess so. This is like The Wire, season four. Yeah. It's crazy. Wow. Because I remember learning that it was legit, like that Ron was legit drinking like all through the sets and everything. And I was like, oh man, because-

That's like, you know, Dean Martin faked it. Right. You know, like he started with it, but then it was just like... But then at the end, he was a real alcoholic. Well, then at the end, we got really sad. Yeah, they said Frank Sinatra spilled more than he drank. That was the old joke. Right. But Stanhope's still hanging.

Is he still going? I mean, what are we doing here, Beer Joe? Today we're doing dirty martinis. I'm assuming that everyone is a vodka guy here, right? I like vodka, yes. Vodka, there we go. I think of you as like, you're like an old school drinker. Because you, I see you in the top hat sometimes at the cellar. There's always a martini. So when you said you were coming in, I was like, we got to get martinis. Yeah, thank you very much. That's exactly what I drink.

Yeah, I love an ice martini. Especially if everyone likes blue cheese olives, then this is the perfect time for it. Blue cheese olives, yes, absolutely. Bring it on. Oh, I need it. We've done 78 podcasts today, so I need this drink. I like it pretty dry. Do you make them dry?

Well, if it's dirty, I don't usually even use driver movement. Oh, this guy's good. That's my thing. I think it should be one or the other. And there's two centuries of really intense, really knowledgeable...

bartenders and mixologists and then random viewers who disagree with me but I think it should be one or the other it should either be like olive juice or brine or a dry vermouth because otherwise they're just like contending with each other and fighting it's like get up your nose and it's just this like really weird taste it's like an old New York 80s thing to do both but uh

Oh, really? No. It's like a steakhouse thing. Yeah. You got to really like that vermouth taste. When I'm at home, I just rinse the ice with the vermouth and dump it. Keep the ice and then just go all the way. A good rinse is a good way to start out. But...

I personally just like olive juice. And I never like it shaken unless I'm doing just straight up, like with nothing in it. Yeah. Because otherwise, if you have olive juice or dry vermouth and you shake it, it has like an effervescence and just comes up into your nose and bites you. You really just want it in your mouth and not in your face. That's what she said. Tom just turned so quickly to Margaret. Yeah.

You came up with a good martini app because the only other app I think we did martinis was with Chris DiStefano and we did not have beer juice. So I'm pretty sure I was drunk enough to stir them with my finger. Yeah. That's where the flavor is, man. A lot of the old school bartenders will tell you that. That's where the flavor is. My dad used to get drunk when I was a kid and he couldn't find his toothbrush and he would do the...

Did your dad ever do the toothbrush finger? Yeah. That was a bad childhood. When you come up a little short and you got to fill the glass like you're doing now, that's

Same ice is good, right? You don't have to dump and go. Same ice is fine. Honestly, nobody's been in there. It's all good. I also have to compliment you. I love the glasses because I hate when you get the small martini glasses and it's dripping over the edge and now I can't walk through a room. If I get bumped, the drink is compromised. This is the right type of martini glass. Come below the rim. My favorite is for martinis and many other drinks,

in general is the coupe glass. In the coupe. Oh, a coupe. But then if you're doing a coupe, then you got to leave the shaker with your guest. That's very true. Oh, like a milkshake. That is very true. And I love when that happens as well. I mean, you might as well leave the bottle as well. They do that at Musso and Frank's. Oh, we tried to go there last time we were in LA. Oh, yeah. It's so great. The three of us got to go. Cheers. Cheers. The old gang. Yes. Good to be back.

Dude. Wow. It's got like a thickness to it. So this is the brine from the blue cheese olives. It's a little oilier. Yeah, I don't want to say greasy, but it's there. But I love my martinis just filthy dirty. If I'm in an Italian restaurant, I'm saying make my martini like your pasta water.

Really? Briny like the ocean. I want a dirty whore of a martini. This is a real whorish martini. Whorish martini. No, no, I want a dirty nun, you know? I want dirty on the outside, or rather clean on the outside, dirty on the inside. There's no bite at all. There's no that vodka sting. Very impressive. If you stir a martini enough, there shouldn't be a sting until it gets warm. It does leave a little thing on your lips like you have chapstick. Yeah. It does. It's nice. That's what the bread is for.

Right, soak it up with sausage bread. You guys are really living. You're like an old school, you really do feel like an old school drinker to me. You're almost like an at a place in time comic. I feel like we all have a little of that. But there's certain comics, like a three maybe. Mulaney definitely has it. Natterman. Natterman. But you do feel like you could have been a comic

today or in 1957. Yeah, I do feel that way. I do feel that way. And that's why I'm starting to dress this way. I'm starting to go like, I want to be like the dad. I always think you have these images of what you are. And I'm no, I'm really the guy like at the barbecue when there's kids around just like taking out some money. Here you go. Don't.

Don't tell your mother. Don't tell your mother. You guys doing all right? You doing all right? Here you go. Here's a five for you. Here's a five for you. So I'm trying to incorporate that and just kind of own it a little bit more. It's definitely a Don Draper on Saturday. Right. Yeah. We're Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. No.

That's the danger zone. No. I don't know if I want to. We praise Sheen constantly on this pod. We love Sheen. I mean, imagine getting him on here. I love Sheen, too, but I didn't like that. He wore the socks with the big white socks. I don't know. Yeah, that was horrible. He was supposed to be like the bad boy, and he had a stripe on each side. Like, whoa, he's wearing a bowling shirt and shorts. Oh.

Who's the bad boy? Or CBS. What do you want him to do? I know, but give the guy a leather jacket or something. I want to lean more towards Rodney in Back to School. Yeah. That kind of thing. The best. That's my role model. Rodney in Back to School is like a top five comic performance for me. He's on the whole movie. Yeah, yeah. It's insane. I mean, every fucking line. In the beginning, oh, you're impossible. Oh, yeah? And you're easy. Every zing. Ah.

They just said, do stand up in the movie. Every line is just serving to set him up. Yeah, exactly. That's how we just all picture the world on some level of comics. And then he just wrote that movie. I know. Just walking in inappropriately to every situation. And then Kinison was in that one. That's right.

Kenison is the teacher. Young Kenison, yeah. When they get in the bar fight, I think of that line constantly drinking when he goes, bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out. Then bring us one every ten. Classic. Come on.

The can. Great. And then you start to realize when you look at his style in dressing and all that stuff, it's a lot of golf clothes. Yes. It's a lot of like his upgrade from this kind of a shirt is always a cardigan with a wide lapel. Right. And red slacks. And like red slacks. Yeah. Or like plaid. Yeah.

That's so true. It's like golf obnoxious. Right. He's like the loud guy. Caddyshack, that's what he is. Yeah, same thing. The barrette with a pom-pom thing on top for no reason, but it works. We were watching Caddyshack.

Pointing at everybody. Hey. Yeah. We were watching Caddyshack in the Houston Improv Green Room. It was me and Gary Veeder. And I have a young guy named DeWood who's like 19 filming us. And he's a kid. Yeah. So we're watching Caddyshack and we're laughing our ass off. He's like, this is so cheesy. We're like, you don't get it. No.

It's Rodney. At a certain point, he started laughing really hard. But that's Rodney's gift. He will appeal to any generation. Yeah. I said something to Neil Brennan.

He was talking about guys who made it later and everybody uses Rodney or Louis Black as the example. Right. Guys who made it after the 40s. Every time. Yeah. And Neil's like, right, so you're either Louis Black, this amazing writer, or you're Rodney, a living cartoon character. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

He really is. Rover Dangerfield was like less of a cartoon. Rodney as a cartoon dog was like less than Rodney in real life. More subtle. More tame. But also, you know, when you think about the energy that he had behind it and all, and then, you know, it was the era of Coke. Like people were doing a lot. When you think of how hard we work, and it's like show business fueled on

It's like they were cheating. You know what I mean? Like we're doing all this straight, like with no, like just down in coffee and trying to keep going like with espresso and stuff. Right. Rodney was doing rails and then going on to the set. And you know what I mean? I never thought about that. It is the steroid era for comedy. Yeah, right. Exactly. Like Barry Bonds. You're like, yeah, it's easy to hit 73. Yeah.

when you're yoked at you're not easy but like you got an advantage also a testament how funny is because comedy got really cool and it was like carlin with the beard and prior was fucking awesome and you know robin williams was fun as hell and all over the room but rodney was just in the pocket suit on red tie but relentless relentless with the jokes though like there was no it was it was gonna be by submission you were yes he's just gonna keep coming at you ever have those times when you're in trouble like

at a corporate gig or some kind of weird room and you're like it's just like you know you're in you're in trouble this could go either way and you just say fuck it I'm just relying just rely on the act just just just

Pull it in tight and just keep it going. And then slowly you start to gain control just from the material. Yes, yes. That's what Rodney lived by. That's true, but he never lost them is the only difference. We would use it to get him back. Well, as soon as he walks out, you're laughing. You're like, what is this? You're one of the smoothest at that. I mean, I think about like...

You do believe in your material in a way like you have such polish. I remember watching you once you hosted the Greg Giraldo benefit at the Beacon. I remember that gig and it was a kind of a hell spot. You hosted it. People are still walking in. And I was kind of like, oh, I know Tom Pop is a killer, but this is this is like I'm nervous because this is so bad. And you just slowly start crushing. Oh, really? And you wouldn't weren't doing any tricks. You were just kind of doing your act. No, just hang on it.

Yeah. Because that's what you got. And it's like to start calling audibles and jumping into, especially in a room that big where

There's no crowd work or other ways to get out of it. Just believe in it. Slow down. You know the stuff's there. You know you've got it. It's solid. Yeah. I used to hear those horror stories. Back in the day, the comedy cellar would have four people in it. And even if it was empty, you'd have to do your act in case someone walked in. Yeah.

So they would see you doing comedy and sit down. And so you're acting to be so good that people could just slide into it randomly. And that's kind of what you're saying. You just have to be so good that people will just glom on you slowly. Right. Well, you both work that way. You guys are living on your material. There's not a lot of... There's not... You have real faith in it and...

Well-written jokes. You know you've got really well-written stuff. But don't you get annoyed and frustrated when you're like, ah, now you're on board, but you missed some gold back there. But I guess it's like soldiers where you have to lose them early in the war to keep going. You're a dude I'll listen to sometimes just because I'll listen to an album because you're so – we're very different, but you're a joke guy. So you're doing bits about your family and stuff, but you do family material in a way that's so –

It just kind of works for anyone, I think. I love your family material. I love your bits about your kids. Why do you think that is? Why do you think it works for 18-year-olds at the Laugh Factory and 60-year-olds? Because it's just so honest. You paint a picture in a way that's just funny. You do a thing that Burr does where Burr does this too. He'll just say the image and it's in your head.

And you're just laughing. Like you've a bit about, I think about a few, you, you, you've been mentioned on this pod a lot, but there's a bit I think about of, uh, you know, you talking about having, uh, uh,

I quote this bit all the time. Well, you have three daughters, right? Two daughters and a wife. And you're like, yeah, I always dreamed of living in a house with three people who hate everything I love. And then you see like just me retelling his bit is getting a laugh in here. And then you do the whole act out of like, you know, you're sharing the bathroom. They're putting their hand under the door. There's no escape. Then there's the cat's paw that's under the door too. Like you paint a picture and I'm like, this is,

Either it happened or it's basically happened. Right, yeah. No, it totally happened. Yeah. I thought you were going to say the other one. This, I saw you do this at Bananas. I opened for you, I don't know, what was that, 2009 or some shit? Didn't I drive you out there with my wife in a minivan? We went out two nights. First night was me and you. Second night, I think she was there. Yeah. I remember when Mark was opening for you, I was like, holy shit, you're opening for Tom Papa? I was blown away. Yeah, Bananas. Yeah.

you're opening the side room of a marriott off a highway couldn't wait it was like carney hall back then to me i was ready but you had a bit where you said uh oh i still think about it you go people are like oh my god you got a beautiful wife you got kids how how how do you do it you go on the road all the time like how do you leave them it must be so hard you go well the hardest part is try not to whistle while i pack like come on it doesn't get any better than that that

That's gold. That is such a great. Whistle. That's a joke that you just get. I mean, it's just like, I think the thing is you just make it

You just make it feel so real. So it's just I think that's why it's accessible. Right. I mean, don't you feel that you connect with younger audiences, older audiences? No, I always kind of I don't know, like the why of it, but I I always feel like you don't have to be the head of the family to you just have to have been a part of a family. Right. Right. You just have to have been a kid or a teenager.

daughter or son or wife. Like, we all know that he's from all these different angles. And I do try and express it, like, from the kid, you know? Like, now I have this other... This newer joke that's, like, coming from the kid's angle. So, yeah, I think it's just...

Unless you're an orphan who never was raised by anybody, you should be able to get the jokes. Yeah, because even a wife can hear that whistle while I pack joke and be like, I get it. I want to leave too sometimes. It hits everybody. As a younger audience member or fan, you don't make it like...

Right.

perspective. Oh, yeah. I agree. Yeah, you're not like, it's not like, oh, my old ball and chain. It's not that type of material. You're saying it in a different type of way. Right. There's more vulnerability to it where you're like, I'm almost a prisoner in my own house. It's almost that. So I gotta ask, as a guy who started in that era, I mean, it was Patrice, it was Bill Burr, it was Norton, it was DiPaolo. These are like

angry, maybe a little, maybe throw some misogyny, just peppered on top, whereas you're like a nice guy, married guy. Was that tough kind of navigating through those ball busters? But you were friends with those dudes as well. Yeah. We liked them as well. Yeah. No, Geraldo was like my best friend in comedy, but Gaffigan was also a really good friend. Oh, yeah. And he was kind of off on his own thing. It was hard in the very beginning when I first came to the cellar.

Well, before that, like at the comic strip, it was a little difficult 'cause that's where I first showed up.

And I was very, I was more actor-y out. I would like, I was broad. I was like, you know, I didn't have much, you know, I was just showing up literally. Yeah. So I would act things out a little bit more, but I would kill, like I would do really well. And that didn't go well with the guys that were not like the guys, even the class ahead, like the, um,

like the Louies and the Kevin Brennans and all of that, they saw me not as a real comic, but I was killing.

And you know what I mean? And I did. There was a moment where I was like, should I try to kill less? Yeah. Which is such a messed up place to be as a comedian. That's what they do to you. Yeah. But that's what they do to you. I was like, should I just be like kind of like backing it off? But I couldn't. I was like, it was the only thing. And I knew what they were saying. Like, I knew what the impression like I was. I was just I was trying. I didn't have the material knowledge.

to just stand at the mic. Like, I needed to kind of act it out a little bit more and do that kind of a thing. Well, those dudes are like... A guy like Louie's probably working on, like, a new hour or something. He's trying to, like... At that point, what was he? Well, that was before that. It was earlier than that. And, yeah, he was just mean. He was just straight-out mean. Damn. Are you guys cool now or no? Yeah, like, I don't really see him that much. But, you know, he was friendlier later on. But, yeah, back then, he was...

He was kind of a dick. What do you think it was? I don't know. He wasn't Louie yet. You know what I mean? Those guys were kind of relentless of really believing their way was the right way or whatever. And then you have a guy...

a fresh faced guy who's up there like you know acting stuff out a little bit more and not like of the New York pedigree like of that thing yet and going up like you don't give a shit and like what else which is totally cool but you don't have to go up to a young comic and be like I don't like you wow you know what I mean like it was that aggressive damn and

and i just kind of played it off i was like so we'll be best friends well it's weird because we all follow comics that we don't like following at times but it's also kind of like it's new york man figure it out right you know i i think like that's the challenge too and you know we're all trying to work on new hours and you know the cellar can be a tough place to work on that new shit because you're following some young comic who's bringing the heat and

Right. And I'm doing new shit. Yeah. And I'm like, wow, I got buried a little bit by some young killer there. Yeah. You're following someone like Daniel Simonson or Sam Jay who murdered the other night. Right. There's people just straight up murdering. I'm like, this is my freshest 15 I have. Yeah. And you picture the audience leaving going, that tall, lanky, kind of ugly guy. Sorry. No, no.

I don't know why they have to mention my looks at the end. They already insulted my act. You picture them going home like, he wasn't that good. And you're like, no, I can do it. I just saw New Stuff Night. That kills me. And, you know, so maybe it's that vulnerability of those guys at the time. And you just kind of like, you know, they want, you know, like we all, when you show up, it's...

you don't just get to sit at the table like there's an initiation it's not said but you gotta kind of win your way one of the crew has to think you're good and they kind of like all of a sudden just like welcome you in who was the first of that crew who welcomed you in probably I don't know like Kevin Brennan like Kevin Brennan was like it was Brennan Attell DiPaolo

you know, Patrice was just emerging, but those guys were like the juniors. Yeah. Like we, and then it was, we were all that next kind of class. So those guys, I mean, I remember being at Boston comedy club and waiting to go on. It was like this Monday night. They had this amazing Monday night thing where he had to go and like beg to get on and the regulars would come in this small place. And it was like this, it was really like a,

a hornet's nest of like, and it was intense and great. And just seeing Kevin Brandon, like walk in in a trench coat, you know, like just walking to the back and like, Oh fuck he's, he's here. You know what I mean? And he was, he was like, he wasn't off the rails mean he was just old Kevin mean, you know? And, uh,

And it wasn't, you know, and then a tell just like, you know, and, and you think back, like they were just finding their way. It's like when you think of like your dad, like when you picture like, Oh, he was my age when he did that. Like when you think of like Kevin, he was a kid too. And he was, it was a lot of bravado and trying to, they were the guys and finding their way and doing their thing. And,

I'm all for you have to chip away and find your way in. Yeah. Louis was the only one that outright, right up to me, just gave me shit. And not shit like, hey, you're doing this. I remember these two comics in LA. I'll mention them off the air. And the one guy was crushing and came off. And the other comic was like, if you actually had material, you'd be amazing.

And it was a total douche thing to say. And the guy did not take it well. But the guy critiquing him was like trying to say, you're amazing, but you need to just focus on the jokes and you'll be unstoppable. It's almost like a basketball player just like doing fucking ball handling shit. And it's like, take a shot, dude. Shoot the fucking ball. Yeah. Yeah. I know what he's saying. I get that. But yeah. So it's like a slow creep. Like Kevin was like one of the first guys who just like, you know, start talking to you in the hall.

It's like, you know, that kind of thing. And then Attell took a while. How dark were things that Kevin Brennan was the warm guy? Yeah, right. Exactly. It was pretty rough. And it wasn't like, it was because like,

The cellar didn't have crowds and you know, the Boston was like this rough place and you comic strip would be great on the weekends. And it was like comedy had fallen on its ass when we showed up. So it was like kind of this new kind of frontier in a way. And everybody was just kind of scrambling. So they, so it was a little difficult then, but then going to the cellar for the first time, like back to your original question of like how all those killers mean killers, you know, like Patrice and all of our guys, uh,

I did have a feeling like when I first got there, like I was following a tell every night. Like she just kept putting me after a tell. And I was like, well, I guess I've got to like, I don't know, lean against the wall or like get a cigarette. Like, how am I going to, I got to be, I got to try and be, I was cursing more like, and I don't really curse in my life, but I was like, right. You fucking, right. And the audience was like, what are you doing? Like, you didn't even know me, but you could tell like, what are you, what are you doing? Yeah.

And it wasn't until I really just put the blinders on and didn't watch him or didn't watch anybody and just waited in isolation until my spot that I could calm down. That's good advice. And not start. The influence was too great of all of this stuff. So I was just like, just go be...

alone and then I could be authentic so then I could walk up and just be myself not knowing what happened before me just do my thing and not think of like where it fit like I wasn't it didn't matter that Patrice or Bill Burr or whatever was or Geraldo was going on because I didn't really know what they were doing and I was just doing my thing and then it slowly emerged like

Tom's getting up there talking about his girlfriend. Yeah. You know, and it wasn't... Like, it had to come from the outside. Uh-huh. Does that make sense? How did your friendship with Greg start? He was the first person... First comedian I ever saw. I walked into... On June 12th, 1993, I...

Had a bringer show at the New York Comedy Club, which was upstairs from this like cowboy bar. It was like five in the afternoon. So it was like light out in the summer. And I just called it from my apartment in New Jersey and got the date.

and uh and brought my friends in and walked in and the only other guy on the show because it was five o'clock uh was greg greg was just sitting there waiting pale face no beard sweating scared out of his mind just like shaking like how's it going man i'm good good and i'm just equally as freaked out yeah and we just started talking and

We both liked each other immediately, and we went up and did this half-assed show. It was my first set of my life. Wow. And we exchanged numbers quickly, and that was it. That was it. I knew then that I was going to be a comedian. That was it. That was all sewn up after that horrible five minutes. Yep. And I knew that I'm going to... And I have to attach myself to this guy. Yeah. Because...

He thinks I'm funny. I think he's funny, and this is going to be okay. Was it wild? Because he came up pretty quick. I mean, he just had it. He was just gifted. Yeah. Was it wild? But I guess you guys...

stayed together we did toe-to-toe so that must have been fun coming up with a friend like going through the ranks 10 TV it was like him and Gaffigan and myself at least like in the New York scene we all quickly were hosting shows like all that bringer stuff you know we quickly just emerged and start getting hosting stuff or like moving out of the bringer stuff and letting us get a spot and you know

The three of us moved quickly. And the one who was the biggest doubt was Gaffigan. Really? Because...

because he was sticking to his thing. And Greg and I were like, I was really loud and moving around like crazy. And Greg actually told me, you know, you don't have to lunge when you tell jokes. You could just tell him, like, you've got stuff. Just do it. And I was like, oh, okay. And Greg would kill. Did you bounce bitch with Greg a lot? Yeah. You like workshop stuff? No. But we tag stuff. We never like sat and wrote together. That kind of thing. But Gaffigan would just be like,

Greg would kill, I would kill, loud, blah, blah, blah, you know, just all pure energy and fear. And then Gaffin would get up and just start pacing on the stage like, oh, why is he saying that? What you doing? And we were like, you guys got to get it together. Ha, ha, ha.

That guy is just... He's going down. Does he know he's bombing? Wow. And he just stuck to it. He just stuck to his style and just stuck to it. And then, of course, started crushing with that. Yeah. And the rest is history. That's hilarious. But we all rose quickly. You guys, from what I could tell from the outside, you would...

you guys and Joe and like, you just kind of like, you were at the same pacing. Yeah. Just having friends like that. Like you had Greg and Jim, I mean, having Mark and Joe list and the other people in our crew is like, we had such a, we had such a crazy talented crew. Like I watch Mark and list and you know, all the people, Phil Hanley, all these seller comics, you know, I'm just like, damn, he's got another new bit. That's so funny. You know, we're talking about how like Phil just would shit on us off stage in a way that made us laugh. So,

like having friends like that where you're like oh shit it makes you want to be just funnier it just makes you want to your act you're like I gotta put more work into my act yeah I know yeah and I had this thing where a girl I was with her her father passed away and

and uh i had to kind of like take care of her and i dropped comedy at like a year in you're like fuck i gotta miss a weekend of bananas yeah i wasn't even doing bananas yet like it was just it was just city spots i don't even know if i had a road gig yet and it was that it was that early like a year you know like when you're doing like one spot every two weeks kind of a thing and and um so anyway i i just started working and i just felt like i had to take care of her and not

do comedy I'm like you know it was all fucked up like she I gotta get a job and

make some money and replace her dad yeah and giraldo called me every single day i worked in a little ad agency and he called me every day what are you doing what the fuck are you doing let's go what are you what are you doing you got to come back what do you do no i know i just need you know if i if i just need to make some money we'll fucking make money let's go and he just every day wow and that's that that's like the real personification of what you're saying it's like

you encouraged each other like even fucking around you're like you're pulling each other and pushing each other yeah at the same time and when you're that new those those days are essential you need every every spot you can't take a week off you'll fall behind they'll they'll get higher than you so it's yeah you can't take that time off so fuck that girl's dead i'm glad

He was a cock block for comedy. But you know, Mark was another one where like he was so hardcore. I mean, it's funny when you start in standup, you kind of are with your friends and you kind of go your own way for a while. Cause you have to, you have to go your own way, but you stay in touch, you, you know, but I have friends who like I started with and then you just kind of don't see him for a while. Cause they're working the door somewhere. You're working the door somewhere. Then you, uh, you come back together and,

and it's like a moment hasn't even passed. I know. You have that weird friendship, but yeah, Mark was so hardcore. I remember Mike Lawrence was so hardcore. Oh, yeah. I mean, Mike, if you don't know Mike. I love Mike. I used, I, yeah. Mike opened for me a couple times and then I, he wrote on a couple things that I was doing. I just, that guy was brilliant. He's a machine. Machine. He's like a savant.

that guy yeah he really is he really is and he's just you know but he was a dude and I was like holy shit this guy at open mics is terrifying yeah he would judge you whoever he goes up after they're getting torn to shreds yeah I'm like you wasted your two and a half minutes just ruining a guy's night yeah

But then Mike starts getting success. He becomes like... He chilled out. He chilled out. And he's such a good writer. He was so fun to be around. So fast. Guys like Dan St. Germain we started with. Comics were so funny. And you keep pushing through. And...

I always tell young comics, they're like, what's your advice? I'm like, surround yourself with driven, funny people. Yeah. That's perfect. It will change your life. That's perfect. They're motivated but not annoying. Yeah. Right. I was thinking about that today because I had to go to Bobby's studio to do a bunch of stuff. Bobby Kelly. Yeah. And I'm walking...

I'm walking down 3rd and crossing McDougal in the middle of the street. It's just that quiet morning village thing. And when I lived here forever, it was like... And I guess I had you guys on my mind as I was crossing. And I was like... It just brought me back to when...

I was like so excited that I could see the cellar. I was so comfortable enough to like go sit at the cellar during the day. Yeah. That kind of thing. Right. And it really is like, we all had our packs and our moments. And I know you guys had like, your time was the time and my time was the time. And now that he's,

guys oh i don't know who were there and they're emerging and they're gonna build that same thing it's so good it's so great and it's good when you see new guys who are you know and they're just crushing and you're excited for them because you're like oh my god yeah i wouldn't know how cool this is or you see i'll see like young comics bouncing bits and i get like happy i'm like oh my god yeah yeah they're hungry who's the uh who's the kid i think he's from atlanta

Oh, Mike Rowland. Yeah. Very funny. Short guy. Really funny. Yeah, kind of a pretty short guy. Yeah, he's funny. Yeah, I really liked him. And I think of everybody as the same age. I just think everybody's like from Colin to that guy. We're all kind of like just, we're not that far off in years or whatever. And I just like complimented him and he was like bugging out. And I was like, oh, right. Like I forget like this would be like,

you know DiPaolo saying holy shit you can really tell jokes I would have been like riding that for like two weeks yeah you know what I mean exactly yeah it's really impressive can I ask you something could I have a another martini but just do it without the juice sure

Just do it straight up, clean. And I'm going to drop these olives into it. No problem. And I'm going to join them, but with new olives. Absolutely. Sweet. Thank you. This is nice having a bartender. Oh, my God. Beer Jew. Beer Jew. Beer Jew. Dude, Colin Quinn is a guy, like we talk about Colin a lot on here. You get a lot. Your name gets mentioned a lot. We've quoted your bits a lot, I feel like. That's good. But, you know, so you and Greg were tight. I mean, that's like...

Greg is a guy we talk about so much in here because we all know he was brilliant. I feel like he should have been a bigger comic. Obviously, he passed away so young. I remember you in the documentary. Is that insane to just be in a documentary? This guy should have been one of the biggest comics ever. Yeah. He would have been, the timing of it, if he had stayed straight, if he had handled that.

He would have, I think he would have taken The Daily Show after John. Whoa. Wow. I felt like, because, you know. Comedy Central loved him. Comedy Central loved him. Smart as a whip. Yeah. A Latin voice. Columbia. Good crossover. But he never played that up, and I think that, in a way, hurt. Maybe a little bit. With the industry, not with comedy. Helped with us. A little bit. But I think, like, it also, the times were, he didn't do it in a time when it was kind of,

wasn't emerging like as a cultural phenomenon. You know what I mean? Like they weren't, they didn't in a way have like that cultural place yet. I just felt like the time he was going to be and the stuff he talked about, it was all very political. And like today it wasn't like, you know, evergreen. It was, I'm going after all the shit we were dealing with right now. Yes. I just felt like he was our, he was going to be our Bill Maher or Jon Stewart. Wow. Material wise, poise wise. Yeah.

And then in his Hispanic way, I felt like that was gonna be his path. That was gonna be the thing that-- - He deserved it. - He would've done it. - He really deserved it. - He really could've done it. - 'Cause he was as quick as a whip. He was hyper intelligent. - Oh yeah, for the folks at home, he went to Columbia College, I think he was a valedictorian or whatever you call it. Then he went to Harvard Law. - Right. - And then he was top of his class in that. And then he became a lawyer.

and then he just gave it up to be a comedian. Yeah, that's when I met him. I mean, he really was... And he went to St. Regis in New York through and through. He was a master at social commentary. It's like when guys like that die, you're just like...

as a comedy fan. You're like, I want to hear what you would have said about Trump and Biden. I know. I want to hear what you would have... The vaccine, COVID, all that shit. Who else? Patrice, the same way. Patrice is the same thing. He would have loved Trump. The same way, yeah. He would have. He would have. That motherfucker's so funny. You're telling me. Yeah, he would have loved it. Yeah. Can I ask you about Seinfeld? Because I know you tour with Jerry a lot, and...

I mean, you used to. Yeah. But how did that I know I know you do your own thing for a long time, but like, yeah, how did that start?

New York, Stand Up New York. I was at Stand Up New York. After he did his show, he was coming back poking around in the clubs. He wasn't doing sets yet. He was just checking out the scene and he was just kind of coming and hanging out and watching stuff. And two nights in a row, you know, at Stand Up New York, you could see through the window to the bar. And two nights in a row, he walked in while I was on stage. Wow.

Was he shooting the documentary? No. Okay. This was like a year before that. Did you see him peek in while you were on there? Yeah. I saw him watching through the thing. Oh, my God. When I saw him coming the next night, like the second night, I quickly abandoned what I was working on and showed him other stuff. You're looking at your notepad. What else? Here's my closer. Yeah. Play the hits. Yeah. And I came off stage, and he took me aside, and he was like, you're really funny.

You're really funny. And I was just like, ah. Right? It's like Wayne Gretzky coming up after hockey practice. How long in were you? That was like 97. Thank you, BeardJuice. 98. Thank you, BeardJuice. When did his show end? His show ended in 99. So you were five years in? His show ended in 98. Thank you. Yeah, because I had met Cynthia. Yeah.

uh at like in 98 and then his thing so 99 i guess is when i met him do you know you got the show 98 oh you have it up there look at you sorry i don't know if this is your job i just saw a laptop yeah it's him he's all over it oh 98 you're right 98 yeah so that was may 98 so i either met him like the end of 98 i think he took a year off so i'd call it 99

99. So I'm six years in. Six years in. That's nothing. Yeah, it's nothing. That's pretty new. It is pretty new. But he was very cool to you. He was super cool. And we kind of had the same sense of humor. And it was the greatest gift to me as a comedian. When people ask what your break is, it was meeting him. Because once people said, once he endorsed me,

like people started paying a little more attention. And, but more than that, just being around him, like when you talk about all the angry guys at the cellar. Yeah.

Like I didn't write, I didn't work like that. I didn't get, go out and drink at the end of the night. I was, I wanted to sit with my pad in the day and work on my jokes and go do my thing. And then maybe go get something to eat with my girlfriend and go home, you know, drink a little bit and hang late at the cellar. But I wasn't like getting high. And, and I was like, I was longing for an example. And then he came in and he's like,

yeah, you get your pad and you go to work in the day. And then you go do your set and you go home and you work on it some more. And that's how you do it. And it was like a confirmation that,

My way was a way. You know what I mean? And kudos for you for not conforming and just being like, well, I'll just become an angry guy on stage. You're stuck to who you are. Yeah. Well, there's no choice, you know. But that really confirmed it. So I just soaked everything in that I could. It was just like a... Just the way he carried himself off stage, the way he just treated... The greatest... I call him the comedy chiropractor. Like anytime I'd feel fucked up about my...

my set or my place in the business or whatever kind of funk we all get. One call with him and he just made you realize that

We are the luckiest people in the world to be a stand up comedian and be in a world of standard. You would hang up every phone call. I didn't even have to talk about my shit. I would just talk with him and he'd throw out bits and we'd just bullshit and make each other laugh. And I would hang up and be like, oh, everything's OK. Everything's everything's all right. You know, he just had such a love life.

for it and such respect for it. And he can tell when you do and that means the world to him. That's why I think he galams on to people who also have that love that he has. I have to go back just because it's been in my head since we did it. That line that you said back at Bananas about whistle while you pack. Yes.

Jerry and I had a disagreement about whose line that was. Uh-oh. Yeah. And I could swear, like, it was my line, not even a stand-up line, and that when we would go on the road and we'd, like, he'd send the car to get me and then they would pick him up and then go. And then when I did the line on a show and he was like, that's my line. Oh, yeah.

And I was like, I don't think so. I think it's my line. And I really truly is one of those things like no one's out to fuck each other. This is just like two comics like, you know, who are so connected and together. Yeah. You know, eight years of almost every weekend. And it's just this gray area. But he's Jerry Seinfeld. So I give him that line.

Oh, no. Yeah, I got to kind of give it to him. I didn't record it. Pay it forward. But I do feel like, you know. That's weird. It was, yeah, it was one of those things. Is that not in the special views? No. Wow. Damn, I thought it was. Uh-uh. It's the Mandela effect. Damn. Yeah. Should we bring...

You ever see him and go, hey, how's that pack line doing? Yeah, well, you know, because it's been out there and people do bring it up every once in a while. Oh, and a coupe glass. Thank you. Wow, that's wild. Yeah, it's a little bit of a strange area. If Seinfeld ever said that to me, like, that's my line. I'd get that pit in my stomach. Like, oh, shit, did I steal from you? But it's hard. You could just pause and say, Jerry, you don't have enough?

Yeah. But he's such, you know, I don't know. I mean, look, just out of respect, it's like, of course. No, he's a legend. Yeah. I'm fucking around here. I give it to you, but I would, but it's such a great line and I really thought it was mine and, uh,

So, yeah, but I can't. But I see that you're cut from the same cloth as Jerry, and I get that. I mean, you're an old school comic. The way Jerry is very inspired by Robert Klein, I see. You're a dude that could have been a Tonight Show guy in the 70s or 80s, too. Oh, yeah. We mention your jokes all the time because you have great drinking jokes, too. How does one go where you're... You talk about drinking over the sink. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. How is that again? Uh...

I've been drinking a lot more since I had a family, I think. I've been drinking a lot more. Not that fun, happy hour, woo-woo kind of drinking. It's more like standing alone at the kitchen sink kind of drinking. So relatable. God bless America and God bless sheath underwear. Mark's wearing them right now. I'm saving them for the weekend. Sheath underwear keeps your balls off your leg.

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All right, so you said if there's any jokes that I'm working on. We welcome it. Oh. You do? You got a newbie? Yeah, it's pretty much a newbie. And I did Colin's spot last night at the Pussycat because he wasn't around, so I ran my longer set. And I'm really hesitating from saying the hour. I think there's a disease in comedy that we're all working on the hour, doing the hour. Everyone's working on the new hour. Have you had your hour? Are you doing your hour? What?

I don't even say the YouTube anymore. Yeah. I'm like, how are we all lemmings all of a sudden? Can we just... I'm working on my new comedy film. And it doesn't really fit in the act because it's new and there's no place for it. Yeah. But it's a joke about...

How there's no rules anymore. Like we can do whatever we want now. Everything's collapsing. There's no real rules. We kind of like we need some new ways of doing things. And five billionaires have all the money.

Now, we have all these problems. Only five guys have the money. Let's kidnap some billionaires. Let's go after some billionaires. They're out there. They've got the money. You can be a billionaire. I'm all for it. I'm all for you achieving and changing the world. Great. You're a billionaire. You get to be a billionaire for 24 hours. And if you don't start giving that shit away by morning and helping some people out,

we're coming to get you. And there's a guy in my kid, there's a guy at my kid's school who needs a leg. He needs a new leg and not even a real leg, a fake leg. This guy needs a fake leg. I don't know what a fake leg costs, like a starter kit leg.

is like 50 grand, 30 grand, and they can't afford it. So what do all these people, all their resources, what can they come up with? A bake sale. Yay! Let's have a bake sale. Let's make snickerdoodles and sell them for 50 cents a piece. Yay!

Yay! Should we charge a dollar? No, that would be greedy. At the end of the day in the hot sun selling snickerdoodles, they make $37.50. If they have 700 more bake sales, Mr. Johnson's still hopping around town. I like it. I love it. It's...

It's super timely, too, because the billionaires, the Bezos, the Musk, they don't give the money to us, but they have all of it. And we're the ones who need the money. So what if an angle could be billionaires are the new Santa? Yeah.

you know, like I need a new leg, dear Mr. Mr. Musk, you know, and you send him the wishlist instead of Santa. Just start like in a, it's a, a miracle on 34th street where they just start dumping letters on his desk. And then on Christmas day we can have, we can sit on his lap. I want to see Bezos in like an actual, uh,

blowtorch sled it's electric he just floated through the air penis shaped jumping shit yeah he could totally do that the blue origin sled right right I love the idea that they've like you're already a billionaire you've got the head start hire some fucking dope security or you're going down yeah it's like Hunger Games right we used to evade Iraq now we invaded Bezos' compound right we need oil yeah and how are you going to stop all of us

If we all come after you at once, the front line might get it. Some of us are getting over that wall. Yeah, maybe that's why Musk is boring. He's like, when they come for me, I'm ready to get out. Well, this is America. You can achieve your dreams to a point. Yeah, then we'll come after you. Fuck the IRS. They're going to knock you down. Fuck the IRS. Watch over the U.S. We're coming at you.

I mean, it's really funny. It could be. Our shit is usually way worse than we run. We usually run way looser. We run way looser. I feel like my shit's either working or it's fucking terrible. That's my shit. Yeah. Usually. I feel like I'm a little leery of billionaires because I know...

but it should be at the same time. It's like, it's, you should run this bit. Late, late night PBI. What do you say? We kidnap all the billionaires. Fuck you. I'm almost a billionaire. Not a good bit. I'm close to being a billionaire. You ever want to work with me again? Oh,

I'll kill you, you piece of shit. Are you in the Pop-Tart movie? I'm not. Are you? I'm not either. I thought it was some kind of message. It is a message. It is a message. Because I know a couple of comics who are in it. And I'm like, that guy's in it. I heard some comics whistling all the way to that movie. He wrote that. Gaffigan came over for dinner because he's in L.A.

And I invited him over for dinner a couple Sundays ago. Oh, you make your own bread. And he came in and he immediately wanted to diffuse the obvious elephant in the room, which is, why aren't you in the movie? I feel like it should be, it's in the 1950s, like guys making Pop-Tarts. It should be you and Ryan Hamilton and me all running through the hallway. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, it should be. Yeah.

What's for dinner? Pop Tarts, actually. Sorry. Well, you're such an old school movie guy. You're in The Informant with Matt Heenan. Oh, my God. That's right. What was that experience like? Amazing. That was the first time. He seemed like the coolest fuck guy. The coolest guy. He's been at the cellar a few times. Yeah. He's the coolest guy. He's exactly like, he would not disappoint in any hopefulness you have for him being a good guy you could hang with. Loves comedy. Really? Him and Ben used to, when they first came to L.A.,

They would just go to the improv. They had no friends. They didn't know, you know, they were making their way and they would come sit in the improv, which, you know, didn't have much of a crowd at the time. And,

Excuse me. And they would just watch comedy. They watched like Alan Havy. Wow. Rick Overton. Because Havy's, I think, the oldest guy we can get on here who would still drink. Yeah. That's true. Havy's hilarious. If you guys don't know Alan Havy, YouTube is Letterman Sets. Oh, yeah. I mean, you might know him as Lou Avery from Mad Men. Yeah. He's a good actor. He's done a ton of stuff. An excellent actor. Really good actor. He was in The Informant with me. Oh, wow.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. There you go. Billions. He's done a lot of stuff. Yeah, he's really good. And do you ever see his talk show? I've heard of it. I've never seen it. No, I know you haven't. It's so good. It was on Ha, which was- The original. The original. It was like the Comedy Channel and Ha, and they merged and became Comedy Central. Right. I think that's the way it went down. I think so. And I was just out of college-

and i wasn't a comic yet hadn't done a set yet and i would watch him do this like late night weird talk show he had the audience of one where it was just one person that would write in and they put a little um velvet rope around them and they would be the audience member for the show and he would do great bits he was really smooth and funny yeah he was cool he had loudon wainwright on the show wow yeah it was like he was really and then i got to meet him like that was like

a quick lesson in comedy that you can get to your idols really fast. Yes. You don't have to like get parts and really you just like walk in and they're going to be there. Right. In the back.

yeah it was pretty great you were saying something um i was talking about alan havey and the informant oh the informant yes the informant that matt is he was a huge comedy fan and uh so he's such a cool like he's always thinking jokes and just hanging around all that kind of stuff and i got that was the first film i did with them and i auditioned and i think it's i got it because i look like uh the guy it was a real story oh okay and um

The first scene, it was at this house. So Matt knew you were a comic. Matt knew I was a comic. And the scene was I come out of the... He...

I come out of the house and he's talking to me. He's in trouble. I'm his boss. And then a car pulls up and we do the scene in the headlights of this car. And we kind of like meet for the first time and someone's making noise and Matt starts quoting Tom Waits. He's like, what's he building in there? Ah.

you know that song by Tom Waits what's he building there it's just like this abstract song so I'm like alright this dude's quoting Tom Waits right off the bat alright this is gonna be cool so then we go to run it and I come out and Matt's like complaining and I'm all freaked out and we do this thing and they're like um we wanna run it again and the car comes up and they go you wanna run it again

And they're like, okay, so we go to do it again. And I'm thinking we're still in rehearsal. And they're like, all right, that's good. Yep, moving on. And I'm like...

I thought we were just rehearsing. And you don't want to act like you don't know how movies work. Yeah, yeah. So I got someone on the side. I'm like, what's up? I didn't even see Soderbergh. Where's Soderbergh? I had met him earlier, but where's... There's no cameras here. What do you mean? Wow. We're moving on. Soderbergh is in the car that pulls up. What? In the back seat, holding his own camera between his legs and shooting the scene that way. Wow. And...

He clocked us twice. I thought we were rehearsing. We were just doing it. And he did that on purpose. And I don't think he did it to... I think he was thinking probably more about his camera position and stuff. And he probably assumed that I know... They probably said a word that meant this is for real. You worked with him a couple of times. You did a Liberace movie. So yeah. So then I worked on... I did the Liberace movie with him and the Nick...

Damn. How was Mike Douglas? The coolest. Really? Oh, my God. You just hear that voice. Yeah. And you're in the same room as that voice. Wow. You're like, oh. God tried to take that voice away just because of Catherine Zeta-Jones' sweet vagina. How dare he? How dare he? Yes. Don't you ever deprive us of that sweet Michael Douglas voice. What a good husband. What an icon. He is an icon. He was dressed as...

as Liberace and like this really flamboyant, like giant thing. And I played like the camera between his legs. I played his tour manager and we're not, we're not mic'd. We're just off on the side. It's Matt scene with whoever. And, uh,

And they're running it. And Michael and I are just making pretend small talk in the background of the movie. And he's like, how's it going? Yeah, are we going to go tour? Yeah. And Soderbergh is like, two, three takes and you move on. Like, he's quick. He knows what he wants. And this one's going like four, five, six takes of the scene. And at some point, he turns to me and goes, in the Liberace voice, he's like...

Man, he's really doing a lot of takes. I really got to take a dump. Michael Douglas. Yeah. You're like, holy shit. He is Hollywood. What's the best Michael Douglas movie?

Fatal Attraction, Wall Street. Basic Instinct. Wall Street. Oh, yeah. That was hot. Sexy. What about... Wall Street's badass. Yeah, Wall Street. Gecko, my God. He's in a movie called The Game, which is... The Game is great. Great movie. David Fincher. Yeah. What's his face? Sean Penn's in that movie.

Yeah, that's great. And he produced Cuckoo's Nest. Is that right? Yeah. He produced Cuckoo's Nest and his father wanted the role. Wow. He was roommates with Danny DeVito at the time, I think. No, yeah, Cuckoo's Nest is fucking incredible. Oh, disclosure. That was a hot one. He was like the hot guy for a while. He was like the guy who fucked. Romancing the stone. Yes. There you go. There's a great, I wonder if we could find...

There's a Tonight Show with him, Danny DeVito, in Romancing the Stone. And who is the woman in it? Kathleen Turner. Yeah, and the three of them are out there hammered, smoking cigars, and just trashed. And there's a lot of innuendo of what went on on the thing. Ooh, I like that. And the three of them are just... Kathleen Turner, man. She was something. Body heat, remember that shit? Do I know body heat? Body heat. That's a classic. So I lost my hymen.

Wait, can you tell the Steve Martin story at some point? Wait, but do you think that... Do you think that...

- The billionaire thing is worth working on? - Yeah, we all fucking were laughing. - 18 tags on that, yeah, that's definitely good. It's a great idea, it's a rich premise. - You should hear the horse shit we're throwing out week to week. - What do you got? - What's the deal with cucumbers? - I mean, I'm embarrassed to break out whatever shit I have in my phone right now 'cause that was like a home bit. We're throwing out like premises usually, that was killer. - Yeah, that's a done deal. - Oh, it has a ways to go. - What do I have?

All right. Let's see. Check on the old. See, I got horse shit here. I got terrible bits. Being a big breasted woman. Yeah, mine are like throwaways. I got this one about liberals, how they love guns in movies, but they don't. Oh, this is good. Yeah. I ran this by Norman the other day. I'll bring this up. I just want to make sure this wasn't like a bit. Yeah. But I said, you know, liberals love guns in movies, but you don't want to be near them in real life. I'm like, yeah, is that crazy that I can separate the art from the artists?

Is that weird? It's like, you know, I look at Guns Away, I look at R. Kelly from an entertainment standpoint, outstanding. Don't want him near a high school. That's my new one. That's good. Mark, what do you got? I hope you don't have anything. Entertainment standpoint. What do you got? I hope you don't have a bit like this because it sounds like it might be something you would have. Hey, man. Yeah.

Having a one night stand with me is like watching a trailer for the whole relationship. You know, it might be exciting at first, but then I'll just totally give away too much and let you down in the end. I don't have anything like that, but it's so funny that I have a one night stand that I just wrote down. But no, it's not. OK, that's nothing like what I have. I feel like there's a lot more here. That's literally just the end of the world.

I wrote this down for one night stands. Hold on. It's amazing how quickly you change your opinion of someone after a one night stand, like the night of. I'm like, I'll move to Dallas. You know, the next morning, I'm like, if you died, I would feel nothing. Yeah.

That's what I wrote down. Yeah, see that one has a punchline. This is the premise. That's a good premise though. The whole scope, the whole thing encapsulated in one night. Yeah, you know how people leave, see a movie trailer like, I don't need to see that, I got the whole thing. You know, that's what it's like fucking me. Like, I don't need to date this guy. I got the whole world, the fucked up apartment, the bad jokes, you know, the small dick, whatever it is. But really charming in the beginning, when you're over, filled with lies, and then the truth comes out.

It's all smoke and mirrors. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny. Maybe there's something like Michael Bay joke where you're like in the trailer, it's like, oh my God, this is high production. Then you see it, you're like, that's it? Right. No, you only tried to get me in. You didn't, this is a terrible movie. Yeah, yeah. I feel, I mean, I relate to it a lot where I feel like I'm very charming on the first date. Oh, yeah. By date number two, they're like, that's it? I know. It's just so boring. You got nothing more. Right. Do you ever have girls come to your, that you met doing standup?

And then they do. They lose the charm of the stand up. I had that once. Like that magic trick of seeing you the first time. And then they quickly realize. I try to push off stand up as long as I can. Yeah. I try to avoid that because I'm like, that's like a trick. That's like a Hail Mary if I need it. I don't want to open with stand up. Yeah. I'm the opposite. Really? I go all act. Because that's a polished version. Where you're from. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like if you have a good set in front of a lady, I feel like you're like 60% better off in a one night stand. Well, if they see you at a show, great, but I'm just saying if you meet in other circumstances. Oh, yeah. If they come straight to a show, that's fucking mental shit. I see. I was with a comic at the store.

I forget who it was. And she had three Tinder dates in the audience. Oh my God. Like they were three separate ones that she had hooked up with. That's a, that's a dating show by the way. It's like a limit date, but at the store you fight it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were all out there. No, I do. I don't remember that. It was like trashy or blind date. Remember blind date? A limit date was like, it was like, you remember it, Peter. Peter's just fucking smiling. Well,

It's like four chicks or four dudes and they'd all be fighting for the affection. So one gets eliminated each round. And there's always, with the women, it's more fun because one will be a huge whore. By round three, they're like, I'll show you what it's like. And they make out with you and you're like, all right, this chick. You can tell if the dude's looking for love or he's just trying to fuck. Because he'd always be like, this one's looking for the real thing, but this one played with my balls in the last round.

round right that's why I love that show catfish because like they haven't met yet he's like I'm in love with her this is the love of my life oh my god I've never felt this way it's my soulmate then he sees her and she's like kind of chunky he's like I

I gotta get out of here. It was good to meet you. Hey, here's a bus fare. We're in love. You're like, oh my God, you're a fat man from Syracuse? This is fucking bullshit. Oh, yeah. What about all those new ones, like the Love Islands and all that? Oh, I can't. There's too many. Fuck boy. Nikki Glaser's hosting one. I still... Oh, yeah. People love it.

People love it. I can't watch a dating show anymore. Reinventing. I should. I bet they're fun. Yeah, I'm sure they're fun. Who has time? I know. I know. I want to watch a good show. No disrespect to those shows. I want to watch something that's not horseshit. You want to watch a good show. I still romanticize the scripted show. I still love like Mark was praising the bear. I'm going to watch that next. Oh, yeah. Everyone loves the bear. It's pretty fun. Yeah. It's so well done. It's great.

They say that anyone that works in food service knows. That's it. Yeah. What are your favorite shows? What are your, like, now and forever? Oh, man. Forever shows are, like, the obvious of, like, The Sopranos, The Wire, Breaking Bad. Yeah, yeah, we said these. Yeah. Were there great shows before streaming?

I guess HBO was. HBO's been great for a while. It was The Shield was fun. Remember The Shield? Yeah, I didn't really watch The Shield. It was cool. Oh, that was kind of a groundbreaking show. Love Walton Goggins, though. Yeah. That dude fucking rules. It was all sitcoms when I was young. It was all like whatever funny, whatever, you know. Do you have a show that is your comfort show on the road or something or no? No. No.

No, I like garbage. I like trash on the road. Yeah. Anything like ridiculousness or... Oh. Like...

Really? I would never have guessed this. Just throw on whatever as I'm getting ready and just leave it. Because I don't... Before bed, you don't have a show? I'm not seeking out stuff to stream. When I'm on the road, I'm just... It takes too long. I'm not logging in and doing all that. I'm going to rerun my road. I usually throw on a V for like a... You'd never think that shirt would watch Ridiculousness. Yeah. That doesn't feel... Those two connect. They don't. And I was anti-Ridiculousness because I'm friends with Daniel Tosh. Oh, yeah.

And it was like, it seemed to me like the bad version of that. Yes, yes. But the girl over in the corner that's laughing is so cute. She's very cute. And it's just, and it's over in 20 minutes. Are you still tight with Tosh? Where is Tosh? Yeah, Tosh is a mystery. We get messages about Tosh because I guess we have a crossover base because we're cruel white men. But where's Tosh?

Tosh is still doing the show and he still goes out and does spots. He's still on? Yeah. I think it might be coming. I think it's a real testament to how hard Comedy Central sank. Yeah, man. Nobody really knows what's going on. The big part with it is, yeah, it sank as a word. Titanic sank. Yeah, it sank. There we go. Sanka. Do you think it's needed or do you think that it's, do you think it's lacking or do you think it's not needed that

Like the Comedy Central was a spot where like young comics could get like their first TV spot thing. And now it kind of like doesn't exist. There's no like. I think it's both. I think it's not needed and it's lacking. Yeah. But I was grateful for it at the time. But yeah, I mean, we were taken advantage of. We were paid too little for I think the material we gave up. And I think they did their best to do nothing. I mean, like, what are we doing in like 2014, 15 or whatever? Like, yeah.

man that was a tough time to be on cable and it's only gotten worse yeah and there do you think there could be like a young comedians show now or do you think it's too blown well they've got charlamagne who's a huge guy on comedy central now they've got the daily show they've got they've got big names it's just south park and tosh south park yeah i mean they're all huge but

Who's watching Comedy Central? I don't know. You watch a clip online later probably. Right. I mean, I'm sure The Daily Show does well on social and shit like that. Right. But I can't imagine...

The only time I watch cable is for sports. Yeah. That's about it. That's what I like about being in a hotel on the road is you just flip through and stop random garbage. Yeah. Just in whatever person dropped in the woods naked or whatever guys. I don't know.

Yeah, that's great stuff. I'm not looking that up at home. No, no. It's like the radio. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Boogie, boogie, whatever the fuck. You're like, help me, Rhonda. I love this song. But you're not going to go buy Help Me, Rhonda or put that on at home. No, exactly. The hotel, it is funny that we've combined our job into some sort of weird vacation. You got that right. It is weird. I think it helps a marriage.

I mean, you're married. Don't you feel like the road keeps it... Gives you a reset? A little bit. Oh, 100%. It's like a built-in thing. You're excited to see her, right? Yeah. Yeah. If we were there all the time, just...

eating dinners with other couples. I don't know if it would last. A lot of people are just trying to fill the time. That's a great show, Detroiters. Have you seen that? A lot of these non-comedy people, they're just like, oh, all they talk about is this show is out and this, are you watching this stream? I know. Have you tried this restaurant? Have you gone to this bar?

That's it. That's their whole life. I know. It's horrible. Yeah, that's a good show. I've never seen Detroiters. Oh my God, they're so funny. Those guys are both great. He just got nominated for an Emmy. Oh really? Sam Richardson and Tim Robinson are so funny. I love those guys. So they've still got stuff. So why not put a

Because this app that they are like, you got to do the app. No one gives a fuck about your app, comedy. Yeah, all right, here we go. And you're done. They've always made four lines of instructions of how to get on the app. This is how you attract young people with no attention span. Have them fill out a bunch of forms.

Follow instructions. Quick, easy steps. Get it. Oh, this isn't easy. That's not easy. Essential premium. Sub my premium fucking credit card number. Right here, dude. Blow me. Oh, forget it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you going to do this? This is going to take a month. Don't do it, dude. Don't do it. Don't give them what they want. Yeah. They've taken enough from us. What's your mother's maiden name? Exactly. It just makes me want to read. Were you ever sexually assaulted? What are you talking about?

Broad City, they've always hit shows. And then you're like, what? They're behind a wall. It's like Fort Knox. What are you doing? But do you think that young comics are getting shorted because there's not like a thing that we can do? It's bittersweet. You just post your shit on social media. You can make your own destiny. It's a lot of extra work. I mean, it's a lot of work.

especially you want to stand out now, the production value on YouTube has got to be decent because you're competing. Like I've always said that, like I remember with comedy central, I did an hour special with them and they were like, uh, we'll put it out for free on our, on our website. I was like, Oh my God, this is going to be huge for me. I just knew this would be huge. And then they put a commercial every two and a half minutes. Uh,

And I was like, okay, I'm competing against the best comics in the world here. Yeah. And there's no commercials on these other ads. Right. No one's going to, I can't watch my own shit. Right. Yeah. But so, uh,

That was tough. I think they've made it really hard on themselves on this ad-based subscription model. Whereas just a subscription model like HBO or Netflix or Amazon, it's just obviously easier. And now maybe Netflix is going to have ads. Yeah, they're going to have ads now. What? Yeah. I think you're probably like Hulu. You pay higher to not have ads. When will that start? They're going to do it. They're exploring it now. Oh.

this guy's got a special coming out soon oh yeah finally i finally get in just as the fucking ship is sinking thanks netflix did you record it yet it's done yeah it's done fucking that's good my career it's done uh no the specials uh yeah the special is pretty much ready to go nice name uh it's called same time tomorrow it's on netflix september 1st nice uh

That's great. Very exciting. I'm pretty happy with it. Hopefully it's not horse shit. I don't know. It's tough. I was just talking to Cristela Alonzo. She has a special on Netflix that just came out. How does she feel? Relieved. That's what we said. You're never happy. You're just relieved. It's like, oh, it's out. People aren't killing it. People seem to like it.

- She's cool. - Yeah, she is cool. - We should get her on here. - We should. - Yeah, she's great. - I just don't know. Yeah, I never feel that good, honestly. - No, it's nerve-wracking. - And it's just like, part of it's probably deeper than comedy, but you're like, when do you feel good?

You know what I mean? I don't know. That's a funny question. You're working on it. You feel bad because the material's not there. Then you're honing it. You're starting to feel okay because you're killing. Yeah. Then you tape it. You're sick of the material, so you're fucking miserable. Yeah. Then you're back to square one, and you're like, I hate myself. I'll tell you when you feel good. When you get that billionaire bit working, that's a good feeling. When you get the new one working, that's great. And then killing is fun, but you're not.

But yeah, you're right. I never feel that good, though, because when you're killing, you're like, well, these should be killing. I worked on them really hard. You got to get therapy on this. Yeah. I'm going tomorrow. I need some gratitude. We'll bring this up. Gratitude's the power force. Go in. Yeah, gratitude is key. That's the thing that kills...

envy and resentment and all that. It's great. I'm not envious or resentful. I just, I just don't like myself, I guess. I don't know. Join the club. We're drinking at noon. Yeah. But yeah, I think you got to let it in. I will let it in. You're right. I hope short lived though, even if you obtain it. Sure. Well, cause I, I think you,

The need for content is her quality in a way where I'm just kind of like, wow, I really have got to keep churning it out and I feel fucking burnt out. And then you're working. It's like it's hilarious. We're like working on this. This is how you know stand-up's not an art form. I'm working it out in West Palm Beach. Yeah. This ain't a fucking art, okay? These people are shit-faced. I know. Yeah, but you know.

I don't know. It's the expectation of it that kills it because it's... Look, the whole job, the whole career is...

As I see it is just to create stuff. You're always, you have to make stuff. Yes, for sure. It's why you're doing this. It's why you're doing your act. It's your funny little character and you've got to, and it's your job to make funny shit. It's a good special title right there. Funny little fella. Yeah. And I had that with the pandemic where you realize like, oh my God, it's all gone now. I didn't realize, I mean, I always knew I loved it, but you're like, I need this. Yeah. I need comedy. I need standup. I need it. And you're up on a roof.

you need it like yeah if it went away you'd kill yourself so what i mean look i fucking i i was miserable but i i was so grateful i mean we talk about gratitude yeah i was like on those roofs and i was like this is special just yeah just surviving right sounds like you were happy i was happy i am happy i was fucking around but i mean like but you do but you do get on those roofs and you're like wow we lost so much and now yeah we really can't create our own destiny in a

way i mean you really if you make your own shit i mean yeah these streamers only have so much power over us anymore now we really can't say oh you don't want it that's cool yeah youtube exists yeah we've built up enough people who listen to this thank god and who uh uh

and who I guess like our comedy who will watch. So Netflix is great and I'm grateful for the opportunity, but thank God for YouTube. Thank God for other options. - TikTok. - Dude, I mean TikTok's amazing. - Are you talking about his lifespan? Oh, okay. - This conversation. - I got another 30 seconds.

So, you know, thank God for all that shit. Yeah. TikTok, YouTube. Instagram. Instagram. All that. I make a lot of money on Facebook. Just putting out videos on Facebook. Go watch them. I will say Instagram, though, and Facebook, it's just poison. The shit that they post...

What? What?

Really? I have to go sit there for a while. And did they tell you that's what they did? Yeah. Your numbers just go down. You feel it. You can put your name in the search and it won't come up. But they posted that my content is harmful because I do like Q&A sometimes where I just say therapist Sam, which is hashtag the rapist Sam. But it's – I do like – tell me your problems and I'll tell you why it's going to be okay. It's like my little like uplifting thing. But someone – it was –

a dumb, not even a good joke, but someone wrote like, some guy hit me with a golf cart and I said, run him over with a real car and they wrote, this is inciting violence. And I was like, you know it's not.

it's not. Oh God. I'm getting punished by a fucking robot and an algorithm. The future is bleak. Yeah. Thank God YouTube is not this crazy yet. I know. Yeah. But it's going that way. It's going that way. Yeah. Oh shit. What happens when those things all were fucked into that? Cause clean comedy, you can think you're a clean comic and then all of a sudden, right.

No. Well, clean as chain. No, even if you say something and it's misinterpreted. Exactly. I had this opportunity for this TV thing, and someone took a joke of mine, total misunderstanding of it, and the opportunity went away. And it was just because someone who I never met or knew or got to explain anything. Yeah.

Can you go into detail what network? Seinfeld was like, that was my bit. Whistling's mine. You're finished. It was his bit. It was a TV thing. I don't want to say exactly the networks or any of that stuff. And they took a bit you said or like a joke? It was a joke in one of my specials. Wow. It was an old joke in one of my old specials.

Well, if you're going down, we're all fucked. You're a clean comic and you have bite. I mean, you're not at all like a vanilla clean comic, but you have bite like any like 30 Rock has bite. But you're a clean comic. The joke was it was the beginning of one of my specials and I

And I was... I'll tell you what the joke was, but then also it was an Asian joke. And then when Trump came out and said his shit, I was like, I don't want to leave this open for misinterpretation, so let's edit this out for now. And somebody...

saw it, but wasn't like a hate. I was afraid of like hateful people being like, you know, if the joke is, uh, I don't like Chinese people, uh, not some of them, all of them. And it's because it's based on fear and, uh, fear comes from ignorance and I'm ignorant of that culture. And that's why they scare me. And then I go into this stupid joke about, uh, Chinatown of like eating, uh, like frogs or something. Yeah. Um, so when I wrote it, I was like,

I want this to be a joke about being ignorant of people's cultures, you know? Yeah. And get to the frog joke. And saying, I don't like Chinese people was the way to be like, what? What are you saying? And the crowd laughs because they know it's me. You know, I don't hate anybody. Clearly it's a joke. Yeah. So I'm like, I don't like Chinese people. Not some of them, all of them. And that is based on fear. And fear comes from ignorance. And I am ignorant of that culture. You're explaining all of it. Wow.

It's all right there in the thing. And also... Wow. And that joke... You wrote people in by... Like, you build an audience. You show that you're not ignorant. Yeah. And then you explain your ignorance. Right. And there's still a problem. And there's still a problem. And you're trying to say... You're trying to say this is where people's problems with other cultures comes from. It comes from fear, which comes from ignorance. And this is an example of it in a lighthearted way. And that joke probably cost me...

600 a year? That's horrible. Because one person interpreted it the incorrect way. And we have to cater to that one weirdo. No idea who they are. No idea what they are. One person in an Apple store looking office with slaves was like, I find this joke to be lacking in taste. Yeah. And then a kid jumped out the window. Then he shot a Chinese person for no reason. So then they go through. So as they were parsing it out,

And I had shot all the episodes, by the way. Oh, it was already done. It was done. And so they come to me and they say, what's with this joke? And I said, it's about being ignorant of people's cultures. And then I said, just so you know,

a year before I met any of you people, I was afraid when Trump was being such a cunt about China and the virus, I took that, I talked to my editors and despite them seeing no problem with the joke, I said, let's edit it out just in case it's misinterpreted by some horrible people out there. So when they come to me and they're like, and I'm like, doesn't exist anymore. Like, I don't know even how you found it.

And we pulled it. So then in the interim as they're deciding what to do... Wait, so you pulled this clip and they still somehow found it and then tried to get you in trouble? Yeah. That's insanity. So, I mean, you can't scrub everything from the internet. So they probably found it in some... You know, some people repost your specials. They looked... They searched to ruin you. They did. So then to bolster their case...

They decided to go through all of my shit For 25 years 25 year career I hope whoever this person was Gets fucking colon cancer Including Untreatable I hope it stays in his asshole for a long time Including all of my rogues Three hours of pop

I don't know how many times, 10 times. I don't know. All of my stand-up specials, all of my TV appearances, all of my radio appearances. Couldn't find one thing. Wow, that's impressive. Couldn't find one thing. So you have...

Like if you couldn't find one thing and the joke was horrible. Yeah. Child molesting joke. You'd be like, well, it still outweighs it. But you have a joke that you're on the fence. And we pointed out this is about people being ignorant of people's cultures. And then they go through all of that and they can't find one thing that this guy is doing. Shouldn't that be enough? That should bolster the case. That should do the thing.

and they dragged on dragged on for like six months wow and it honestly it's you know it wasn't my proudest work it was you know it was it was money it was a money gig um so it's not like the money gigs to other shit but and they yeah they fucked you in a sense to pull it over that yeah completely

And you're such a decent guy. I mean, like, I've known you for so many years, and you've never been anything but just solid. And if this can happen to you, imagine, like, a guy with a ton of podcasts where he says horrific shit. Yeah.

Mark and I will never work in this town ever again. Mark and I are finished. Oh, yeah. But that's one of the quiet kind of things where this is the first time I'm telling the story because it's pretty much put to bed. Yeah.

but that's kind of like the, we're aware of the big time cancellations of people being torn out for something that they tweet or something after they've had success or whatever. This is under the rug. But how much of this is happening at all these young, smaller levels? Protect their neck, fear-based horse shit. That's what it is. Were they...

They know that this is bullshit, but they have to. It's not a dumb organization. Right. It's they go. It's not worth the mess. If this could be any bit of a mess, it's not worth it for this show. And there were several parties involved. And then they went to like the the big production company that she over the whole thing. And that president was like, what are you showing this to me for? Do you realize how many how many people are coming for people every day?

So much worse. This isn't a thing. Why are you giving me this? Oh, good. This isn't a thing. But ultimately, that wasn't enough. Wow. What does your agent say in a scenario like this? Holy fuck. What is going on? What is happening to the world? Yeah. If you... That's why I keep hearing. If they're coming after you... Right. Did you consider litigious? I don't think... I thought about it in my fantasy, but I don't know...

- On what basis? - Well, you just put a lot of work into this. It was in the can, right? - I got paid for that. - Okay, okay. - I got paid for that. But yeah, you can't sue 'cause your show didn't get picked up. - You're dealing with people who are just cowards. You're dealing with people who-- - Corporations. - Right. - They're protecting themselves to the point where like look,

We don't like racism. We don't like assholes. You're so not that. I mean, you're so clearly not that. Yeah. The fact that you can't separate that shows that you're just out of your fucking mind. So the problem is not racism, but the fact that you can't identify what racism is. Right. Well, there were a couple people on the staff who came out and defended it who were Chinese Americans who were like...

It's this kind of false attacks on people that dilutes the real problems and the real Asian hate out there. So true. It really dilutes all of it. So now you're going to have this story as part of the narrative. Doug's stand-up was a bit where he says, I hate Jews and I'm a Jew. And I've never for a second thought that Doug's an anti-Semite. Of course not. I mean, it's like...

yeah my point is yeah there's comedy and then there's real beliefs i mean like there's real bigotry in the world instead of combating that you're like we'll we'll do what we think is helping it's not you're hurting they're not hurting they're not even they're not even thinking about a cause they're not they're not thinking about defending i thought more by by

editing my joke and like putting it in a special place to keep it off. They're not thinking about that at all. No. They're thinking is this person

And I imagine it has to be, is this young person down the hall who works for us going to cause so much shit? Yes, exactly. And if this thing goes on the air, are they going to start up shit and be a headache? And we're going to have to, are we going to get dragged in because of what this person, this ignorant person who doesn't have the maturity or the intelligence to parse what this really is? Yeah. But are they, is it worth it?

the firestorm that they're going to kick up. Yeah, and the sad part is this ridiculousness won't go away until companies stop catering to that one person. That's right. But they still do because it's scary. Yeah. And they don't want to lose one figure. They do. I mean, that's kind of the beauty of Netflix is like it's the one place where they're like,

You guys have to act like grownups. This is, this is ideas. This is whatever. And if you don't like it, you do with the, like all the normal way of operating. I thought about that a lot. And I do special. I have like some pedophilia jokes. I'm like, if I throw this on fucking Instagram, they're going to pull it down on Netflix. But Netflix, right. That's our, it's a huge thing.

That's huge. It's a huge thing. That Chappelle thing, whether you like him or hate him, was big for stand-up comedy. It was. Keeping that special on there. Yeah. And by the way, I saw the numbers for all the specials. You know, it's like Manis Galco, Bill Burr, Seinfeld, Closer. It was like quadruple the rest of them. Wow. Because obviously the controversy sparked viewership, but still, it's like...

Just because you don't like it or disagree with it doesn't mean it shouldn't exist. It was like the Howard Stern thing. Remember back in the day when it was like, how long does the Howard Stern lover listen? Two hours. How long does the Howard Stern hater listen? Three hours. Or whatever it was. Why? They want to know what he's going to say next. Same shit for everybody. Yeah. Exactly. This martini is dope, by the way. Very good. I'm feeling it, bro. We've been drinking all day. That's the idea, right? Good job. Want a martini?

You know how they say about martinis? What? Right? What is it? It's like tits on a... It's like...

It's like tits on a cow or tits on a whatever. One is not enough. Two is perfect. Three is too many. Something like that. That's not bad. I think Seinfeld wrote that. You know, I opened up to you. We bonded over because I had a faux pas with Seinfeld as I've told a million times. But you got to tell your Steve Martin one. What's your Steve Martin story? Which one? The...

Uh, the gag you tried to pull. Oh, the beacon? By the way, his new show is killer. Man, I just saw the first two and I love it. Only murders? I love it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Martin Short, they're all so good. Selena Gomez is amazing. Yeah, Short is a hero. Yeah. He's just still on. He's still like, you see him on the screen, he lights up. Just that subtlety. Yeah. Subtle. What happened with Steve Martin? I was opening for Jerry at the beacon and...

uh, I hadn't been opening for him for a long time and we were going to go and I was going to open for him at the beacon and then go to this next city. Um, right after that. And, uh, I got there early and I'm psyched to see Jerry and stuff. And, you know, it was my friend from the road and, uh, I'm in the green room and Jerry's not there yet. And, uh, I hear the elevator, you know, the beacon thing, right. You sold out the beacon recently. Right. And, uh,

You hear that elevator coming up like that horrible green room dressing room section. So I'm sitting up in Jerry's room and I do a gag of laying down like I'm asleep, like he's late. So I'm laying down on the couch and then the door opens and I hear him talking. I think he's with his manager and they come in and Jerry's like,

Oh, and I opened my eyes and it's Jerry Seinfeld, Steve Martin and Tom Hanks. And I'm doing a C-level bit. What did they say? Hey, how are you? I'm like, hey. It was pretty awkward. But then we just kind of like hung out in the green room and I got bumped because Steve was going to go out and do...

the first stand-up he had done in 30 years or something without the banjo. He was going to go and he took my spot to go open for Jerry. Did you put up a fight? And you know what? I think maybe Ben Stiller was there. Jesus. I didn't put up a fight, but I sat next to Steve while he was pretty nervous and has lists out and was like going over the jokes and he starts reading me some of the jokes. You think this is funny? Yeah.

He's like reading me the jokes and he's not really selling them. He's like whistling when you go away from your family on the road. And I'm just like, you know.

You have to say yes. Everything's funny. Of course. It's coming out of Steve Martin. Yeah. He's a legend. Yeah. My God. And just being around that upper echelon of that's like superstar. You're not just star. That's Tom Hanks. Was he cool, Steve Martin? They were all gentlemen. They were all really funny. And they were nice. But chill. Everybody was just kind of. How about Hanks? He's the best. Yeah. Yeah. He's the best. He's like, yeah, he's going to make you feel great. And.

he's got like real empathy like he's gonna you know steve was kind of in his own thing and like doing and and hanks is like you're doing okay over there you're doing all right you're having a good time you're having a great time yeah this is great and tell us a great story he's such a fucking icon yeah it's weird like what's time for us to comedy hanks almost is to film yeah yeah well he's just like so american classic like yeah norman and i were talking because mark and i want to make a movie

And we were talking about like classic 80s, like Bachelor Party, dude. Those don't exist anymore. We want to parody one of those. Yeah. Almost like that, but more like a self-aware now. Raunchy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, what buttons not to push. It's like they were cranking out, Fortune and I talk about it all the time, like what happened to like...

10 comedies a year. Exactly. You can't tell me they don't still make money. 70% of them sucked, but they were still some laughs. You had John Candy show up. Yes. It was just like you cranked out comedy, but I think everyone's a little frightened about making comedy. Of course, yeah. Fuck that shit, dude. I know. It would crush. People are frightened. Guess what? That means that there's a hunger because your fear, fear, what you're talking about with the corporation you're working for, fear in film,

There's a hunger with an audience and that's why these podcasts have exploded. That's right. And that's why we need a new comedy. I mean, I think of Todd Phillips movies like Hangover, Old School. There's a reason they blew the fuck up. I know. There's an appetite for that.

100%. And obviously, Todd is a fucking beast. I'm not saying it's not just like anyone can make them, but there is an appetite for that. Judd is another one. Yeah, where's the guy making hangover for half the money? Yes. You know, just young people and cranking them out. Exactly. You don't have to go to fucking China. We can go to fucking Jersey. We'll go to Lithuania.

We don't even need a plane. We'll just shoot it at Newark Airport. Yeah. It's the hangover, but in Slovenia. There you go. Yeah. What stays in Czechoslovakia? Do you have a peeve? A pet peeve or anything? Yeah. You want to get out? I think we got to wrap this thing up here. Yeah. Oh, it's seven. Do you guys have spots tonight? We do. I got a couple. Yeah. Yeah.

Seller, let's go. I've got a nice sweet buzz on for these sets. Sorry, Liz. Sorry, Liz. Sorry, comedy seller. I'm fucked up. Are you going to let it ride or are you going to cap it? I'm going to let it ride, bro. Yeah, me too. What do you mean let it ride? Keep going. Oh, keep going. Keep a through line. Drink when you get there. Yeah. I'll have like a light drink to ease it out. To kind of ease it out. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't like drinking and performing. I don't like it either, but here we are. This is my first choice. I linked up with this fucking alcoholic, and I got myself in a pickle. Oh, yeah. Start repeating jokes. The worst. The worst of all the worst. So you guys ever whistle while you work? That was the ninth whistle callback. God damn it. We'll call this episode Whistle While You Work. Yeah.

I stole the joke. What peeve do you have, Tom? I don't like, and I'm sorry to make it travel oriented, but that's where I live. We live for these. I just got a million miles on American Airlines. American? I got like one email and like 10,

10 000 miles i saw a guy on tiktok and he hit a million miles they like met him with champagne coming off the plane they drove him to the next gate i was like i got nothing what i really thought like balloons were gonna or maybe the captain would chime in hey tom's with us yeah nothing i wonder if he's a tiktok guy or something so they maybe like a travel guy maybe he was building it up yeah yeah you're probably right but i don't like when i'm sitting in the aisle

And people come up and they want to sit in there. They have the window seat or anywhere. I don't like that people don't use excuse me anymore. They just stand over you with their mouth agape.

And just wait for you to notice. And it's really obvious on the airplane because there's a string of people behind. And sometimes I'll just quietly wait to see how they're going to handle it. Yeah. How are you going to get around? Just say, excuse me. Right. Just say, excuse me. I'm in. Sure. Welcome. Sometimes I'll give a little like, ugh, ugh.

Yeah. You know, you're like, say excuse me, I want to hear it. Yeah. What is this, 2001 Space Odyssey? Yeah. Be a fucking human. You primate? Come on. Yeah, be a human being. Oh man, I'm on flight with Gary Veeder last week and like, we just fuck with each other the entire flight so whoever's next to us, I genuinely feel bad for them. Our characters are basically like, guy who gets whacked on The Sopranos so we go, shut the fuck up you big mouth fuck and then fake shoot the other person and people are like, who are these idiots?

But I'm coming back from the bathroom and I get through the seat. Vitor's in the middle. I just started humping him. And the lady's laughing. So I'm like, all right, we're doing something right.

She's in the window? No, she's in the aisle. Oh, you're in the window. I'm in the window. So I'm humping here and it's like, fuck you, you fucking prick. But Vito and I now do these characters that we just call, like, let's just pretend to be the worst people on the planet. But then my Vito will be too loud with it. Wait, you guys are terrorists? Yeah. Well, this woman cuts in front of him. She's in the row behind and he goes, this bitch is cutting. Dude, she can hear you. Still from Long Island. Yeah.

He goes, this bitch is scouting me. She heard you. And he goes, that don't work any issue. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're taking this character too far. Guy is the worst person. He needs some Rodney outfits. Yeah, right? Dude, I'll tell you, when you're on the road with your friend, it's making it horrible. Get a load of her.

It makes the trip fly by with a guy who's just making dumb shit jokes. It's hilarious. Gary Beater, my brother. It makes my pet peeves seem very small.

It's funny. Well, it's really good hanging with you guys. This is a great app. You're the best, Tom. We love you. I mean, Tom's got so many albums online. Netflix specials. We've shouted him out so much, so it's nice to have him here. One of our favorite comics. Got a Netflix radio show on Sirius with Fortune Feimster.

I mean, on the road, anything coming up the next few months you want to plug? I've got a big show coming up in Seattle. I'm doing two at the at the theater up there. I've got the Wilbur Theater in Boston. Nice. Beautiful. I'm doing a bunch of clubs through the summer of getting ready for my Netflix special.

And yeah, just TomPapa.com. I'm everywhere. One of the best comics. Go to TomPapa.com. You guys are the best. We love you. We really do. And we'll be all over the country too. What do I have? When does this come out? I think we got this.

Okay, I got San Jose, Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, Dania Beach, Louisville, Irvine, Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, Oklahoma City, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Happy Thanksgiving to me. Fuck you, my agent. Kansas, Tacoma, Spokane, all over the place. SamRoth.com slash shows. I love it. Hey, Mark is coming too. Choo-choo.

Providence Comedy Connection. Improv in West Palm. Big room. The Aura in Portland, Maine. Richmond Funny Bone. The Amphitheater in Brandon, Mississippi with Burt. San Jose Improv. Red Rocks Amphitheater. The Dartmouth. Danforth, sorry. Canada. Waterloke.

Royal Oak, Michigan, and you know it. Roxanne Theater, that's in Pittsburgh. Pantages in Minneapolis. The Revolution Hall in Portland. Neptune Theater in Seattle. Vogue in Vancouver. Joy in New Orleans. All kinds of stuff. Fillmore, the Wilbur.

Zany's in Nashville. Say hello. Come on by. Have a drink. We might be drunk. We're in all the same places. Uh-oh. We might be drunkpod.com for all the sweet merch. You got the cool glasses, the shirts, everything. Nice. The Patreon's kicking it. It's a real show. Tom's got books out on Amazon as well. Check out his books. I mean, truly a great comic. Yes. One of the best. You guys are the best. We love them. We're pumped to have you, and we love you guys at home. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

♪ Sunday's the day for my next offender ♪ ♪ In the same way ♪ ♪ Above the roof like a dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here at noon ♪ ♪ This woman does what I remember ♪