Ep 90: Tequila Soda
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Hey, folks. Here we are. WFRQ Cincinnati. No, just kidding. We might be drunk. We're here. What do you got there? A little lip balm? I got a peeve already. Look at this shit. Uh-oh. It's overflowing. The lip balm overflowing. Yeah, it looks like a prolapsed anus over there coming out of that. This looks like the start of a dog dick. Look at this. The old lipstick. This is brutal. The Red Rocket. Good movie. Good movie. Yeah. Great app, by the way. This one. Oh.

Maybe the best. If you haven't heard the Simon Rex ep, one of my fave eps. But nothing worse than when a dog dick or a cat dick gets hard. Yeah. That's a sad to day ruiner. Yeah. It's really gross. It's gross. The dog just spread eagle. That thing's pointing at you. Yeah. And then you just start sucking it. Yeah. So gross. Weird. Tastes like puppy chow. I know. But hey.

That's a whole different summer. What do we got here, Peters? Tequila Soda. Ooh, Reposado. Nothing wrong with that. Nice summer drink. I got a bone to pick with tequila. Yeah. So everybody was telling me, you know, ten, five years ago, I'm like, ah, my hangovers are bad. They're like, tequila and seltzer with a lime, no hangover, get the clear stuff, goes down easy. I'm hungover every night. Now...

I've switched to vodka. That's really good, though. It's good stuff. Yeah, I'm not a big tequila guy. I thought you were always a tequila guy. I love tequila, and I still like the taste, and it's my favorite shooter. But vodka to me, the hangover is better. Mine was Dylann Roof.

Dylan Roof. By the way, not my favorite. John Wick. Really? If we're breaking it down. Way better shooter. Gotta go fictional. Yeah, yeah. What about Lee Harvey? Lee Harvey. I mean, he had one shot and he nailed it. One shot. Mm-hmm. Just like Eminem. Yeah, yeah. Mom's spaghetti all over that back seat.

Sorry. Poor Onassis. She was holding his brains. Damn. Maybe the first hot first lady. I thought you were going to say a hot load of brains all over her. That was the first Bukkake. She was a hot. Is she the hottest first lady? Where do you rank her as hot first ladies, Mark? Well, nobody wants to admit it, but Melania is the hottest. Yeah, I think so. I think Michelle's in the mix. Yeah.

You don't think so? I think people give her a couple extra points. I think she's hot. I think Melania is probably one. Where's Jackie? I put Jackie over Michelle. Michelle.

Michelle's got the best arms. Oh, my Lord. That's wild. She is hot. Look at that. How about that MILF on the train on the way here with the arms? Oh, my God. We looked at each other. We looked at each other quickly and then didn't waste any time and looked back at the MILF. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. She's very Greek. Jackie is hot, dude. She's hot. Her dad's an oil tycoon. Yeah. Franklin Onassis or some shit. That hair is not helping her. She's got the Hillary. Well, yeah, it was hot in the 60s. That Bob...

Not a big fan of the Bob. No, no, no. Most attractive first ladies. Oh, geez. Come on. We're going back to Victorian times here. Laura Bush.

I did hear that Nancy Reagan was a real Hoover. I did hear that. To bring it back to president. Laura Bush. She's got Bush. What happened to Barbara? Barbara Bush looked like a regular lady one day. The next day she turned into where's the beef lady. Yeah, what the hell? She ended up looking like fucking the coach from Rocky. What the hell happened overnight?

Melania's too? All right, all right. Michelle's not bad. I take it back. Michelle's good looking, man. Great cheekbones. Michelle's an attractive woman. She is an attractive lady. Her hands are bigger than mine, but she's an attractive lady. Yeah. It's not scoring you any points in these hand jobs. No, no. God. But Melania is hot. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Although Melania, I feel like they all have things that turn me off about them. First off, Michelle's got too much to do. I feel like she'd always be out doing shit, like side projects. Whereas Melania would be doing side projects where I'm like, we're selling jewelry in the Hamptons again? I know. Come on. I know. They always have to have a cookbook. Oh, wow. Melania's hot. That's her?

There's a porn star who looks just like her who might have the best porn body out there. I can't think of her name. There is something about, I mean, how often do you think she and Trump actually fuck? When's the last time you think they actually fuck? Not that often, but geez, look at the cans on Ivana. Is it Ivana? It's Ivanka. Ivanka. Ivanka fell down a staircase.

Who? Trump's wife. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, I thought that was an abortion joke. No, she died. She died? You didn't know that? No, no. She fell down a staircase and died. Holy hell. Which is, look, let's be honest, like tragic, but also you lived in a pretty nice place in Manhattan if you had a staircase. Right? That's true. The only way that's more first world is if like a butler pushed her and then a Pomeranian fed on her remains. Right.

Once a dog has human flesh, it can't go back. You got to put it down. Really? Fun fact, yeah. Damn. I ever tell you the old story? What story? My dad just became friends with this old guy in the neighborhood. And he would go over there and kind of feed him lunch every day because his wife died. So my dad would go hang out with him to be nice. So one day, knocks on the door. The old guy doesn't answer. And he's like, oh, maybe he needs some alone time. Maybe he's in the shower. Knocks on the door the next day. Nothing. Next day, a week goes by. And he goes, you know what? I'm going in there.

Who knows what happened to this old guy. And he's pushing the door in. He has keys. Door won't open. Like, unlocked, but won't open. There's something blocking the door. Push the door open. Corpse blocking the door. Damn. Dogs had eaten it. Wow. Yeah. What kind of dog? What? What kind of dog was it? It was two Dobermans. Damn. Yeah. So they had to put him down.

Oh, yeah. I made the whole thing up, but a hell of a story. At least they got their last meal. Yeah. Very important. Yeah. What are you thinking? Last meal. Prison.

It's a tough one. You know, I don't even want this, but for some reason lobster mac and cheese just popped into my head because it's covering a lot of food groups. Good point. Good point. You're getting like some seafood, but also some cheese in there. I mean, my gut says steak probably. Yeah. Steak frites probably. Hey, that's not bad. Yeah, that's not bad. Well...

Part of me is like, I want to go something. Give me a slow cooker. You know, maybe a brisket just because it'll buy me a few more hours, you know? I think they're getting it pre-prepared. I don't think you get the extra 10. All right. Good point. Good point. How about... I'd go back to New Orleans. You know, I'd get boiled crawfish, seafood gumbo, crawfish etouffee, shrimp creole, something like that, just to go back to the roots. Yeah. You got a local hero. Yes. Here, here. It's like, sure, he murdered 12, but...

He had gumbo. Right, right. I'd get some old black lady in New Orleans whose restaurant is struggling. I'd be like, you cook it. Maybe get a little publicity. Hopefully she knows voodoo. She puts a little pin in the guard's neck. He's like, fuck, it got me. Mark breaks free. Exactly. I like, yeah, steak is tough not to go with. I do love a good seafood. Oh, apple pie for James Dean. That's what he said. They were asked what their death row meals would be. Whoa.

Good one. Grilled cheese for Sinatra? What? That is such a disappointing answer. Interesting. Although, you know what? I will say grilled cheese is comforting. It's comfort food. It's never not good. It's never not. You can't fuck it up. Can't fuck it up. It's a rainy day with a tomato soup, maybe a dip. Woo.

That's a great combo, too. The tomato soup and the... I mean, that's childhood. What else? Classic American cuisine for Abe Lincoln. That's it? A little vague. A little vague. You don't want to leave that up to interpretation. They could come in there with a ham sandwich. French onion soup for Julia Child. She knew her shit. Yeah. Breakfast of champions. What is that? Wheaties?

For Napoleon? I think these are what they ate right before they died. Oh, not what they would choose. Death by dessert for Elvis. Damn. I know he was a fan of the peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Yeah, they do the Elvis burger at some places, which I've never really had the balls to order figs for Cleopatra. They were probably exotic in Egypt. Braised pork knuckle. That sounds like a sex move. Yeah.

Bourdain. Bourdain was, yeah, what did it say? A braised pork knuckle with horseradish.

Surveillance sausage and sauerkraut. Well, that does sound delicious. Don't you want to be international? Like these guys are like, oh, I was in Prague and I got a phone call that my wife fell down the stairs and died. So I got to go fly out to meet her. Like, I wish I was like a jet setty. I'm not, you know, you got to be rich, but like, wouldn't you love to be like, ah, Sinatra's like, I'm in London, but I'm coming back.

Yeah, come fly with me when he wrote that. That was like a pickup line. Yes. He's like, I can get us on a plane. Oh, I would love that. Come fly with me. And they're like, you have plane access? I know, because we're all over the country every weekend. Denver, Florida, LA, Portland, you name it. But to have the world be your oyster like that. Yeah. You know, let's go to Monaco. I got to clear my head. The world is your oyster. Oysters, aphrodisiac. That's true. The world is your oyster. Oyster.

So is vagina. Here, here. Something about oysters that is, I mean, it is kind of like eating a vagina. It is, yeah. You're in there, you're slurping. Right, right. You stick your finger in. Yeah, some smell worse than others. Yeah. Some are a little briny. Yeah.

I like to put my vaginas on a cracker, too. Put a little Ritz under there. A little saltine. A little horseradish. Love it. It's the best. And you know what? Kind of like an oyster, a vagina, it's always a toss-up. Is it going to make me sick? Yeah, am I going to regret it later? Could this be a bad idea? I mean, we are in Albany. Right? Yeah.

Yes, and as I reach for my coaster slash fake tit. Hey, can't go wrong with fake tit. Can we use this as a coaster, you think? Try it. Is it too risky? I think you can do it. It's like a beanbag chair for a drink.

There you go. Ah, maybe not. That's a sign of a good tit. That should be how you test it. Yeah. Can I hold a drink on it? No, that's a good tit. These tits rule, man. I know. It's hard to not squeeze. It's a great gift. And she reposted us, this lady. Really? Yeah. Whoever she was. Lentil soup. Trey Parker's wife. Lentil soup belushi. Ah. This is from Trey Parker's wife? Yeah. Isn't that right? Oh, yeah. Are you serious? Yes.

Man, if you're listening. Oh, the dream guest. We want Trey and Matt on this podcast. We're South Park. Hell yeah. Super fans. Come on. We'd love to have you. We've seen all the movies. We've seen the show. It's probably one of the last ballsy societal commentary shows out there. They're grandfathered in from the 90s. Yeah. So it's kind of like.

They kind of get that pass, which is awesome. Okay, now here's a quick, because a lot of people say, well, Family Guy, South, they can do this horribly offensive stuff because it's a cartoon. It's animated. What if we animated ourselves as a stand-up and just did crazy fucked up jokes and

Like 9-11, Holocaust, all this shit. Rape, race, gay. All these horrifying jokes. But we're animated. Here's the problem. No one wants to watch stand-up animated. Yeah. Here's the closest you can come. And I think I get what you're getting at. Think of like a ventriloquist. But that's...

kind of what you're saying the ventriloquist the dummy says the bad shit oh that's true Otto and George although wasn't Otto I think that he was the bad guy with that no I think the dummy was the dummy was a dick yeah well the ventriloquist dummy is the one who you know that's like the closest because no one wants to watch stand up animated I don't think

Yeah, I guess not. That's a long hour. It's already... You're already losing something with it being on, like, a screen and not in person. And then you're, like, taking another step away, I think. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You're not getting any facial expression. You're not getting any real body movements, no crowd. You're probably right, but... But I know what you're saying. I mean, and South Park takes it a level further where it's like, it's kids. Yeah.

You know what I mean? They're kids, so you're like, it's adorable that they're dumb. Yeah, and not just kids and animated. It's horribly animated. It's very primitive, and you can't see their mouths, really. It's genius. Yeah, the best. You got any peeves or wrecks? Let me do this one as a peeve. Did a guy's podcast...

I don't want to say he's a no-namer, but he's a young guy, and he asked me to do it, and I said, sure, and I regretted it, and yada, yada. But I did it. Podcasting the new one-night stand. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, exactly. I'm like, I said too much. But I did it, and I'm on his podcast, and he's going, so you know the format, huh? I'm like, no, I don't know the format. And he's like, oh, I guess he doesn't listen. And I'm like, yeah, I don't. I've never heard of this. I've never heard of you. Why would I listen? This really is starting to sound like a hookup. Someone doesn't listen. Ha ha.

No, I don't. Podcast and One Night Stand is very similar. Both might ruin your life at some point. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it comes back to haunt you. Yeah. It lives forever.

So he was annoyed you hadn't done your homework. He's annoyed I didn't listen. I'm like, dude, I'm here. Like, that's enough. You're mad. You're giving me shit. And he was like, God, I'm half joking here. But I'm like, I won't listen to this either. I'll still never listen. So like, just, you're giving me shit. It's kind of like when the comedian goes, the host, he's like, well, what credit you want? You're like, I don't know, just say Netflix or whatever. He's like, whoa.

Somebody's been on The Tonight Show. And you're like, yeah, I'm a comedian. Blow me. You asked. You asked. Yeah, I think the thing with the comedy podcast is like, do comics really listen to comedy podcasts? I guess like some do. Well, there's just so many. There's so many. Like, I'm going to pass.

Let me pass up Marin and Rogan and all these other giant ones for this little guy over here that I've never heard of. Yeah, I do know some people who will listen to a little of an episode just to get like, all right, I'm doing this. Let me just see what the vibe is. But I'm not one of them. No, God, no.

I don't listen to many comedy podcasts. I have too much comedy in my life. I'm at the club every night. I don't want more comedy. Give me sports or the news. Give me an escape from comedy. I hear you. I hear you. Yeah. Other things are good and...

You know, you listen to a comedy stuff too much, you can start mimicking and shit seeps in. You never know. So I get it. But I do love a good hour. I'll rewatch an old hour of people sometimes. Stand up? Yeah. I might not watch the whole hour, but I'm like, oh, let me put on Bigger and Blacker for like 10 minutes. Yeah, such a classic, man. The big piece of chicken, Robitussin. Damn. Shit, I don't have six friends now. That's three on three with a half court. Pussy or pancakes? Pancakes or pussy. Yeah. Yeah, no. Rock, rock.

Top of his game, just murdering. So good. Yeah, like sometimes I'm like, let me hear the first part of Chewed Up where he does the N-word thing.

uh cunt chunk you know it's amazing it's like it's like a masterpiece and i just want to see that part and that's your opener yeah it's your opener coming out the gate with some fucking heat i remember seeing that and going to an open mic and being like you know a new comic around all these other new comics and we'd all seen it we were like can you believe that that was incredible it was it was a great time it's also you have that moment too you're like what are any of us doing

I know. I felt that way watching Burr's new special. I was like, man, he's such a master at towing that line in a perfect way. Yeah. He pisses everyone off a little, but you don't feel bad after watching it. He makes you feel good. Yeah. It's interesting to see an angry comic that actually gives you life. Yes. Yes. I was fist pumping because here's the problem with a lot of comics is

They'll have a good bit or whatever, but you're kind of going, I don't know about that. I mean, it's funny. I see what you did there. There's a lot of tricks. With Burr, I'm like, he's absolutely right, and that was hilarious, and it's hilarious because he's right. He hits all the holes. He covers everything. He covers his bases. Everything he said is correct. It's gold. The new special rocks, dude. It's so good. I loved it. Red rocks, baby.

Yeah, outdoors. Yeah, and it still worked because there's a couple outdoors ones out there that aren't exactly magic. But this one is killer. It's great. Mike Binder killed it. Burr killed it. Yeah. Hour and a half. I didn't get bored. He does that whole mushroom chunk about having an epiphany. It was fucking awesome. I posted about it, and Burr wrote, thanks, man. It means a lot. I'm like, means a lot? What are you kidding? Means a lot.

Means a lot you wrote back. Yeah, he's the best. And it's interesting, man. Like hour and 20 something, whatever. Yeah, you don't get bored to hold your attention. It's tough these days. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Which is tough. We never say that shit about movies.

Movies are getting longer, I feel. They are. It's strange. All we do is talk about attention span, attention span, and then movies are like three and a half hour, three hour 15. I'm like, what are we doing here? Every show just knows how to keep you watching, too. It's almost like that's the medium now. Every episode is like, she's the killer, actually. And you're like, huh? And they're like, all right, I'll watch the beginning. And then you're like, oh, no, she wasn't. We missed something.

We misspoke. Yeah. All right. But something else happened. Right. They just drag the staircase. We're going to have 12 hour episodes. You're like, we can knock this out in 20 minutes. It was like 15. Was it 15? I don't know. Look, that is banana. But it was so good. I thought we need an episode for every step of the staircase. It's ridiculous. It was incredible, though. Yeah, it was pretty great. Yeah. I love that lawyer.

He's a man. The owl theory? Come on. The owl theory! I mean, an owl killed the woman? That's what they're saying? If you haven't seen this show, The Staircase, the woman fell down a staircase and died. He had two wives who died that way. One was Ivanka. Yeah.

That would be crazy if they started dating right before. Oh, my God. And he's like, again? That would be hilarious. No. Two wives, which is like, you did it. You killed them. That's too crazy. No doubt about it. A coincidence. You're either the most unlucky person on the planet. No, this is the show you're pulling up. I see, but they made a TV show about it. That's how big of an impact that is. Yeah, but the one we're talking about is on Netflix. Yeah, yeah. It's like a docuseries show.

There it is. Yeah, but they say it's an owl theory. Like a woman, she got hit by an owl and then fell down the stairs. It's like, all right. I mean, this lawyer's got balls. I'll give you that. I know. The owl. There's no feather. There's no nothing. We brought in a surprise witness. Yes.

It's you. It just turns out who's on first. Hey, that's not bad. Who's on first with two owls? 13 apps. 13 apps. But I will say, making a murderer dragged, for me, this was really good all the way through. I thought it dragged a little, but it was good. I'll give it 94%. Some say it dragged. Others say it fell.

I don't know. But no, it was a great show. It was beautifully shot. Yeah, it looked great. True crime. That's my number two, I think, ever. Number one jinx. Number two staircase. This is two, huh? It's incredible. It's beautifully shot. Oh, wow. Only 78 audience score. I thought it was...

Oh, that's the show. Oh. Yeah, what do we got for the other one? 82? Yeah, that's better. 82 is good. See, I preferred Night Stalker to this. I didn't love the Night Stalker. But I think the story was more compelling. It was a guy running around killing people. This is one guy and his wife. Two wives. Two wives. Night Stalker. That guy was a fucking creep.

No, maybe it's called something else because it came out like 2021 or 2020. Netflix. No, I know you're talking about that Hispanic guy in L.A. Yes, yes. Robert Rodriguez? Was it? Richard Ramirez. Richard Ramirez. That's it. The other guy's a director. Yeah, yeah. He murdered a bunch of women, but he did make Desperado, which is pretty cool.

Yeah, he put Salma Hayek on the map. How about, yeah, I love the grizzled detectives on these shows who are like, we were going to find this sick fuck one way or another. Yes. And it became my mission. These sleepless detectives who all they do, like you just think about their poor families at home. I know, I know. Daddy, will you play catch? He goes, I'm looking for the night stalker. But it was a different time. It was back like the wife would like, you never see your family anymore. He's like, shut up, whore. Ha ha ha.

I got a badge to protect. He becomes a Night Stalker. She just keeps nagging him. Shut up. It was a different time. It was like 1970s San Francisco. What a great... Like the Zodiac Killer. It's such a great moment in time. It really was a different time with all these murders. I mean, I think about the pre-DNA shit. It was like...

Home runs in the steroid era. It's not even fair. You're just putting up numbers. Good point. They're inflated. That's a good point. They are inflated. Yeah, these guys had no roids. They had no internet, no forensics.

Remember that Mulaney's old bit? What was it? He's like a John Dillinger back in the day. He's like, these cops were trying to chase. They couldn't find him. He's like, how did they do it? There was no DNA. He's like, the head detective, sir, there's a pool of blood in the other room. Gross. Now, back to my hunch. I was thinking of the one how they used to shoot a...

Oh, the bullets. Were bullets free back then? Yeah. And you just say it was, we did it, you know? Yeah, the Dillinger gang. Whenever I see, like, Peaky Blinders, like, that's how they rob you. They're like, it was the Peaky Blinders who did it. And you're like, that's how easy it was to get away with shit. Yeah. You announce the gang you're in. That's hilarious. Tell everyone. So true. Ah, Mulaney. Mulaney. I got a peeve. Please. Let me see what I got.

I'll tell you what. How about a toast to tits? Yes, tits. New segment, toast. Here, here. We do a lot of peeves. We should be spreading some positivity. New segment idea, a toast. I love a toast. I'll give a toast.

Not just boobs. I'll say this. Positive energy. You always have positive energy. Oh. You're easy to be around. Hey, I'll take it. Thank you. Wish I could say the same. But no, I'm kidding. But no, I try. I try. I heard a quote once. You wouldn't bring your bad breath around someone.

why would you bring your bad attitude? And it blew my mind when I heard it. I was like, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Because people will come in, if you go, you got bad breath, they go, Jesus Christ, oh my God, they're so embarrassed. But if you go, hey, you're being a dick, they're like, well, fuck you, you don't know what my life's about. You're the best. And you're like, all right, all right. So treat it like the bad breath. Be ashamed of it. That's a good point. It's a great ad for Listerine, too. Your mouth stinks, and so does your fucking personality. Work on it. We should do commercials. We really should. We could have a side biz. We could.

Oh, yeah. Toes. Toots. I want to say this as you age.

The smaller the tit, you're finer with. Really? Well, I think when you're growing up, you're like, big tits, big tits. Oh, my God. You know, Baywatch, all this shit. And, like, as I get older, I'm like, I like a small tit, a big tit, a medium tit, a no tit. Well, you're marrying a well-endowed woman. Ah, you got a point there. So you are. I mean, this is bullshit, I think. Maybe. But, I mean, look, I'm in porn, and I used to be like, oh, where are the tits? Come on. Who's this? A little boy? Get out of here. I want some cans. That was my computer. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And so, yeah, I'm like, now I'm like, yeah, look at these great little guys. You know, I don't think the same goes for dicks. So you type in your browser, little guys. Yeah.

Hey, little buddy. Give me a kid with a catcher's mitt, God damn it. And a big lollipop. Celebs who have, wait, what was the headline? Celebs, man, you're crushing it. By the way, a toast to Peter. Yes. Crushing it on the fucking computer at all times. The ones and twos. And the Gotham studios. 11 celebs who prove having small boobs is seriously hot. All right, let's see. We'll tell you if you're right.

Yeah. Paris Hilton? I mean, yeah. You got to give it to her. I think she's underrated as a sexy lady. Underrated? I don't think she... No one ever was like, Paris Hilton's sexy. I've met her once. She just oozes sexy. Yeah, dude. Oozes.

All right. Well, this is weird because they're just hot women. They're just hot women with clothing. Yeah, Natalie Portman. What a mixed bag to be on a list like this. Can you imagine celebrities who prove having a small dick is actually kind of cool? Well, there's a whole TikTok trend now. Oh, Rihanna is so hot. Rihanna is so hot. There's a whole TikTok trend of women who like small dicks.

Really? And I'm like, where was this when I was a kid? Not only you kids banging teachers, but you're also rocking a small dog and getting praise for it? I was getting laughed at. Dudes with tiny dicks shamelessly sliding in. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, who gives a shit? All right, all right. These are like tens. What are you talking about? Yeah, these are hot women. What do I have for a peeve? Also, I need to see the tit. These are just women in clothing. But that's another show. Here's a peeve. You ever have that friend who's like, they have too much pride to apologize for the shitty thing they did. So now they just over-apologize for other meaningless things. Oh, interesting. Well, they do something really shitty to you and then they're just like, oh my God, I'm

Three minutes late. I'm so sorry. What are you doing? It's like OJ. He murdered his wife, but we got him on the clothing scam. You know, we got him on the merch. Memorabilia. Yeah, the memorabilia. It's a memorabilia apology. Yes, exactly. You cut your wife's head off, but we didn't get it. Same with Al Capone. Al Capone is a murderer, gangster, but we got him on tax evasion. And syphilis. And syphilis. And ended up killing him. Yeah.

It is something that bugs me when the friend, like, they've done something shitty and then now he does it all the time. Right. He's like, oh, I really messed up on this thing. I was like, no, that's not the thing. That's not the thing. Yeah. I mean, I think girlfriends do that. You know, they're like, you left the dishes out again. You're like, Jesus. All right. What are you freaking out? But you actually, you know, fucked your sister or something. That's what's really going on.

That's an extreme version. Either way, you wish you could have scrubbed this whole thing clean. Yeah. Here, here. Her sister's name was Dawn. But all right, all right. Yeah, so that's a good one. Yeah. That's very relatable. The guy who does horrible shit and then apologized for the little thing. Yeah. Apologize for the fucking felony here. Yeah. Well, where are you at on the lending a guy money thing?

asking for the money and then he gets mad at you. I mean, where am I at? It's insane behavior. Okay, okay. What are you talking about? Who's siding with that guy other than that guy? I feel like this is a common trait in people. I lent this guy a hefty sum and then years went by and I go, hey, any luck with the finances? And he's like, gee,

You piece of shit. What are you, a Chase bank? I'm like, well, I mean, why am I the bad guy? I gave you money and now I'm the bad guy for bringing it up. I mean, I think you gave him too long a leash by giving him years. Yeah, you might be right. If you expected the money back. I did. I said, I'd like you to pay me back. He goes, I'll pay you back. I swear to God, I'll pay you back. And now he's like, give it to me. Posting vacation photos. Yeah, I might kill his wife. I'm in Cabo St. Lucas. Are you kidding me?

Exactly. And then he'll be like, oh, hold on. Jeez. Let me see what I got. He gives me like a 20. I'm like, I'm not trying to nickel and dime you here. I want the fucking lump sum. What a fucking prick. Yeah, he's a prick. Damn. Is it a comic? No, no, no. It's an old friend from New Orleans. Damn. Yeah. But, you know, then they start going like, oh, well, I saw that Netflix half hour. That must have paid pretty good. It's like, yeah, it did. I earned that.

I earned that, you cum stain. Cum stain. Jesus Christ. Cum stain's a good insult. I like it. I'm trying to bring it back. Cum stain, jizz rag, anything like negative jizz related is pretty fun. Yeah, cum guzzler. Cum guzzler, yeah. Although my dad, he got me pretty good. He said, I wish you were cum stain.

Wow. No, I'm joking. That's a good insult, though. Pretty good for a dad to say to his son. Yeah, man. That's a peeve. Any other peeves? No, that was all I had. I had those two. The payback. I was going to save the payback for a later guest. All right, save it. But I might have blown the load on that one. But I'll have something else happen within two hours.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll annoy you. I got a rec for you. Give me a rec. Are you guys watching the show The Bear? I hear it's amazing. It's pretty great. You're always a little ahead of me on shows, I think. I think it's because you're in a relationship. That's what it is, yeah. Yeah, you guys were watching the full catalogs. You guys had seen everything. But this is like...

It's so well shot that I had to Google the guy who's doing it. That's when you know a show is good, where you're like, this is incredible. He also did 8th Grade. He did the cinematography on Dan Soder's HBO special. Wow. And a couple other great things. Some people call him the bear. That's true. And they're actually on Christopher Street. Yeah. All right.

So, really cool show. The acting's great. It's almost like an Uncut Gems where you're just like, oh, God, it's so tense, so stressful. I'm freaking out. And I worked in kitchens. Or not kitchens. I worked as a waiter. So, I was a restaurant guy for like 10 years. So, it brings you all back.

And you're like, how has this never been made? This is a show about the life of a waiter and the kitchen staff and the dishwasher and the management and all the infighting. And it's got like the coming home element too. Yes. Yeah. So what's the... Yeah, it is shocking that a show like this has never really been made. I mean, they made the movie Waiting, I guess. Oh, yeah. Very different vibe from what it looks like. This is gritty. Yeah. And...

I mean, FX will do shit like this every once in a while. I feel like FX is a little up its own ass sometimes when they post things like, FX, fearless. I'm like, shut the fuck up. It's like when a comedian's like, I'm edgy. I'm like, you don't say that if you're edgy. You just make the shit. Fearless. Oh, you bought all the Simpsons. What a risk. Big gamble on this brilliant cartoon we all love. But yeah, this is like, look, I mean, just that shot. You can see they put time into it, and it feels like,

It feels like real art again. You're watching art on TV, which is so rare now. They have made a lot of good shit, FX. I mean, the first couple seasons of Fargo were great. Louis was obviously a great show. Yes. I'm missing, I'm justified as a classic. I heard Wilfred was good with Elijah Wood. I never really gave a shot. I never did either, but I heard it was good. It was always on after Louis, and I was like, I'm good. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like when you're watching SNL as a kid and the Apollo comes on, you're like, it's 1 a.m. Ha ha.

Yeah, when I was kid, I'd watch cartoons and then Donahue would come on. You're like, ah, I'm good. But yeah, really cool show. It looks great. And the premise is so good. It's this...

Kid in Chicago, inner city. His brother owns a restaurant. Brother's an addict. Shoots himself in the head. He became a culinary genius, moved to New York to work in these fine dining French places. And then the brother dies, so he has to go operate the restaurant back in Chicago. So it's a huge step down. It's all these ragtag, misfit cooks. They're all...

It's like basically a diner. And he's trying to make the diner kind of snazzy and they're all fighting against it. And it's pretty great. Oh, Abby Elliott's in it. Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing this show. I hear it's great. I want to see the fourth or fifth person to tell me. And I've seen articles about it.

And I'm going to watch... I also heard The Old Man on FX is really good with Jeff Bridges and John Lithgow. Oh, I never heard of this. Yeah, it's supposed to be pretty good, too. The Old Man, huh? But, I mean, hey, man, they're fearless. They really do. Yeah, that's exactly what networks don't want, an old white man, and they put him on. The Old Man. That is pretty fearless. I heard the original was the old straight white man. They really went for it. Yeah, but Jeff Bridges, you can't go wrong. Oh, John Lithgow, too, man. Oh, yeah. Two heavyweights. But...

Yeah, man, it's supposed to be is that good Rotten Tomatoes scores like audience and critics. Let's see what they got. Oh 84 90. I mean, this is gold. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it looks solid I'm always looking for a new show to watch. I'm gonna I'm gonna watch the bear first probably but uh It just TV drama is inherently flawed because they have to make up these they have to keep getting more ridiculous with the scenarios and the conflicts that it the show tends to suffer and

So it's hard to make them good for a long time. Right. But. Absolutely. These writers today are pretty great. But, yeah, no, I heard it's, I heard the bear is awesome, man. It's fun. It's fun. You feel like, whoa, I'm watching something. It's cable. You're like, I can't believe I'm watching something this good on cable. Sometimes I'm watching something before I go to bed, though, and those like panic attack-y type shows. Yes. That is the problem. It's hard to be like, oh, oh, oh.

It's not a wind downer for sure. I got a good rec for you. A weighted blanket. Oh, I don't love them. I love them. My lady likes them. I don't know. Well, why don't you like them? I don't want any constriction in bed. I want to be flappy and free like a loose vagina. I want to be all labia. I want to kick my feet out, put my feet back in. I want to throw the pillow. I want to be, what's the word? Frictionless.

I like a weighted blanket. It keeps you down, you know? Yeah, that sounds bad. Kind of like a straight white man. They keep you down. No, they, I like it. It helps me sleep. Okay. You're not alone. They're very popular.

My lady likes them. She's like, it calms me. I'm like, calm. Yeah. Improved sleep quality. I do feel like it helps the quality of the sleep. I know what you mean, though. Like someone breaks in, the last thing you want is like, hmm. Yes, yes, exactly. I hate that feeling. I feel like I'm in a, one time I got rolled up in a rug when I was a kid and you want to kill yourself. You're like, this is the worst day of my life. You overdosed and your friends were like, toss him. Ha ha ha.

Like, not yet, not yet. I was like a crepe. I was in there. I couldn't move. A crepe. Yeah, it was brutal. The French drug addicts are like, he's like a crepe. Statutory crepe. I was stuck. And you're just so claustrophobic and you can just kind of see a little light above you because that's where the hole is. And oh, my God. It's like you're being reborn. Yes. Not good. Smelled worse. But yeah. And when I got out, they slapped me.

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and free shipping with the code DRUNK at MANSCAPED.COM. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code DRUNK at MANSCAPED.COM. It's smooth sack summer, boys. Get on board or get left behind with your hairy ball bag. I got another rec for you. All right. Movie. Colin Quinn rec'd it to me. It's awesome. And I apologize if I'm doing... I don't think I've done this yet. Have I?

You tell me because I definitely repeated a peeve. Yeah, same. I did one too. We drink on here. What do you guys expect? Sometimes I'm going to say the same shit again and again. And that's how you know it's genuine. If he said it twice, that means you really do hate it. All right, here's my rec. A weighted blanket. No, it's the movie Mona Lisa. Colin Quinn told me to watch it. He's a big film buff. Yeah.

Not Mona Lisa Smile. No, no, no. Mona Lisa. I've never heard of it. Yeah, Bob Hoskins, Michael Caine. Oh, 86. Yeah, it's really good. Some call it the British taxi driver. Whoa. Kind of a slow-paced guy. Gets out of prison, drives around a prostitute. Oh, Neil Jordan made it. He did, like, The Crying Game and a bunch of shit. Okay. Yeah, it's good. It's a good flick. Is it a thriller? Yeah, it's kind of like a slow-paced...

weird story about a guy driving around a hooker and you kind of slowly learn more and more about both of them. All right. And, and they're dynamic and it's, uh,

British? It's a good flick. All right, I'm down. It also just shows you what a different place, you know, British movies were than America's. If you made a movie about like a black prostitute and a white guy driving around in America, that'd be like the whole movie. Yeah, good point. They'd be like, we got, this is the whole thing. It's the racial tension. But in England, you're like, yeah, they're just, that's just who they are. Right. Yeah.

You know, that's why I'll check that out. It looks right up my eyes. It's almost got a noir vibe. It's very noir. Okay. This is what Patrice O'Neill said in an interview. He's like, I went to England because in America, I'm a fat N-word. And in England, I'm just a fat guy. Okay.

So he's like, I don't want to be seen as black. I just want to be a comic. People are going up to him. You're fat. He's like, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Then he comes back to America, JFK, like, hey, you're fat. But he said he got good. Like Elephant in the Room was from going to London. Wow. He did London for three years. Not to mention he was kicked out of about 11 comedy clubs, banned. Wow. So he had to move on. He kind of got like canceled.

Before the internet. Why don't we have a Patrice thing? We gotta get it, Peters. We have all these passed on comedians. There's no Patrice. We'll get one. It'd be nice. Yeah, he's... We could just get his toe. Also, I gotta say, you know, I don't know when this is coming out, but, I mean, Jack Knight, it's horrible. Oh.

Yeah, that's crazy. Very funny guy. Funny guy, cool guy. Very talented. Didn't go super far. Already had a huge career. I think he was writing on Big Mouth. For five seasons. Wow. And there's clips of him being so damn funny on it, like his character. And he's 28. Yeah. He was doing so well at 28. And he was just like a guy. I'm not going to sit here and act like I knew him well, but every interaction was just like he was just, he just.

had a funniness about him yeah it was just in him certain people positive yeah yeah no i only met him a few times and uh always nice cool first time i met him i was hosting a showcase in los angeles uh for like jfl or something and i'm hosting it it's a lot of young guys a lot of them aren't that funny he was funny and he was confident and he i mean dude he must have been like 20.

Yeah. He was a baby. Wow. And he was funny and like immediately ball busting me and silly. And I was like, oh, I like this guy. Yeah. Really nice guy. Funny guy. Yeah. He was good. I saw him at the stand like a year ago and he was great. Did a Netflix 15 with a lot of people we know like Tim Dillon. That's right. And Ian Carmel and Kate Willard, a lot of comics we know. Damn. Yeah.

And it was suicide. Yeah. Oh, my God. You never know what people are going through. And look, here's a little lesson. I'm sure there's a comic out there who he had beef with, who was friction. And then look what could happen. We're so petty and we forget that this is all so flimsy. Everyone's got something. Everyone's got something going on and you never know. And, you know...

Yeah, you don't know what people are dealing with. Right. And also people you're friends with who are just silly at the club and then they go home and you're like, you don't know what they're going home to. So I think there's so many comics I know that are like these like beaming forces of just nonstop funny. Yeah. And then they probably are exhausted. Yeah.

When they go home. So you don't know. And a lot of people think like, he got this. He's a writer on Netflix. He's got it made. But you never know what's going on in the head. Of course. Yeah. If you think money, fame, credits...

You know, if you think that's going to turn shit around for you, like there is emptiness at the end of that shit. Yeah. I mean, you got to find and you can look at me and Mark's tour schedule. We're still chasing it nonetheless. But no, it's a dragon, baby. But it's a it's a tragedy. And he just had a new show on Peacock, which I haven't seen yet. But I hear is great called The Beatdown with Langston Kerman and Sam Jay. I love Langston. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Great guy. See, he was working. He was doing it. And still.

Still, you never know what's going on in that head. You never know. So, yeah, if this is too late when this comes out, you know, I apologize, but we'll do something sooner, too. But RIP. Toast. Toast to Jack. There you go. There's your toast. All right.

Now this is that weird moment in the comedy show where you have to seg back into material. Let's do news. Let's do some news. Oh, good call. Hey. Good save. And squeeze a titty to get it light again. Yes, yes. Woman. Oh, you go ahead. Oh, sorry. Woman buys sex doll for her husband that looks just like her as an alternative to having a threesome as well as take the pressure off when she's not in the mood. The UK couple who earn a living on OnlyFans can't.

Damn. Now, here's why I get a little fucked up with this, because...

It's an interesting compromise. The guy wants to have a threesome. She doesn't. So let's build a sex robot that looks just like you. First of all, why would you do that if you want to have a threesome? Now you're just fucking the same lady twice. And secondly, does she really look like her? She's got the same dress and blonde hair.

That's it. Doesn't look like her. And also, how little do you move around that emotionless doll as your replacement? Good point. How lifeless is your body during sex? Yeah, where you're like, I'd rather fuck this two-dimensional...

skin sack whatever this thing is over you it's not a prize it's like it sounds like a punishment if you're just like yeah i'm not in the mood go fuck that doll yeah cool uh this relationship is really healthy for both of us but then she's like the guy's like i gotta tell you the dog has a better head somehow the head is better

I mean, I think it's great the idea that if like they have a threesome and he just is all over the doll. She's just like, because that's always a woman's biggest fear that you have a threesome and you're more into the other person they bring in. Right. That'd be great if she's just laying there. He's just like fucking the doll like crazy. She's like, this is. I know that would hurt.

Yeah, I don't know. The doll thing. To me... What are we doing? Yeah, it's a waste. It's just taking up bed space. Put an Oculus on your head and play a fucking video game if that's real. That's not bad. Yeah. I'd like to try that. The Cockulous. That's the new game. There we go. Yeah. But yeah, that's silly. These people are dead inside.

Man pushes peanut up Colorado Mountain. What? Huh? I wish this guy had a peanut allergy. 53-year-old Colorado man didn't crack under pressure as he pushed a peanut to the top of the 14...

1,115-foot summit this week. However, he didn't use his hands to move the peanut along. 12.6-mile route to the top of the mountain. He decided to let his nose do the pushing. This makes no sense to me. I don't understand how this... Yeah, what the fuck? He pushed a peanut up a mountain with his nose for 12 miles. That's insane. It's funny because it's like one of those accomplishments you tell people and they're like...

Yeah. Yeah, right. It's not like a cool Guinness book. It's like, yeah, cool, you did it. But no one's going to be like, wow, that's a really cool idea. I know. You're just like, oh, you have that much time? You're that much of a loser. Good job. You take this to the planner CEO and they're like, okay. Yeah. You don't want to do business with them? No, no, it's fucking weird. We're trying to get peanut eaters who aren't fucking weird. Yes.

I guess in a weird way he might be good at cunnilingus somehow. Maybe there's a tie-in. He dips his nose in it. Yeah, yeah. Lady's like, all right, well, if you can do that for 12 hours, you can do this for 20 minutes, you know. So maybe there's that. He's got a better neck than I do, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, the neck is impressive.

But yeah, what a dork. Rhode Island, Duncan Donut says it accidentally ordered free coffee to white residents. A company spokesperson said the offer was copy pasted from a similar offer in White Plains, New York, but only the word planes was deleted. So, yeah, just white people.

Free white coffee. This is how hungry we are to, like, gotcha somebody. Like, you just put white residents. Like, yeah, I was supposed to put white planes. You know what? I fucked up. I could have put planes instead of white, but it happened to be this way. Come on. Yeah, apparently they got in worse trouble on their electricity bill. They accidentally copy and pasted white power. Got way worse. Yeah. And then they also...

accidentally deleted the word out and they said, ah, it's a black. All right. Dolphins recognize each other by tasting one another's urine. Hmm. Ah, the old R. Kelly flipper. New research suggests that the ocean mammals have a unique sense of taste that allows them to sense friends and family members through piss and other excretions. I'm really sick of people saying dolphins and humans are so similar. Yeah.

Yeah. They're always like dolphins have the most similar brain. I'm glad I eat dolphin. How about that? I'm glad I fucking eat. You're not dolphin safe anymore. You're eating that dolphin. Have you seen that documentary, The Cove?

Yes. That's fucked up. The dolphin slaughter in Taiji. Holy shit. Wait, isn't that the one where the trainer jerks him off? Or is that a different one? That doesn't sound like that movie at all. Oh, never mind. I saw a different dolphin movie. No, The Cove. It's like dolphin slaughter and they're feeding it to the kids. It's got crazy sodium levels. They're slaughtering these dolphins. People are really mad about it. Oh, wow. It's funny. You can get me on the side of any environmentalist if they make a documentary about it. And then like two weeks later, I was like, yeah, I need to watch it.

dolphin yeah why not bring it on well why do we eat tuna not dolphin what makes a dolphin better than a tuna i think tuna is more nutritious right so that's it probably okay because we act like oh this guy's a monster he ate a dolphin but if it just comes down to nutrition then well don't lobsters have similar nervous systems to humans yeah we put them in a pot

And they live forever. Dolphin meat sees very high in mercury and may pose a health danger to humans when consumed. That's probably it. That's it, huh? I don't know. It feels like there's some moral thing about eating dolphins. But if it's just a nutrition, because, I mean, a Twinkie's not nutritious either. It's known as a mahi-mahi in the Pacific. Early answer for another rather delicious fish known as the dolphin fish. Someone wrote, can you eat giraffe? Let me see that. Ooh.

I just want a yes or no. This is the problem with the internet. They give you all these fucked up answers. But whoever came up with that's higher, that guy's higher than giraffe pussy, that guy needs a high five. I love lines like that. We have no idea who thought of it. Yeah. You know, there's a million. Like, even the first guy to go, is that clear? Crystal. Like, somebody had to think of that. Yeah. And we just don't know who did it. A toast to the people who thought of things. Yes. Yes.

The unsung heroes. The unsung heroes. Yes. So giraffe pussy. I'm sure you can eat anything at the end of the day. Like if you ever watch that show alive, these people are out there in the middle of hell and it's like Alaska and they're just start eating squirrels and nuts and berries. Squirrels. They're eating like one guy ate a bunch of slugs. Feels like a lot of work.

Yeah. Squirrels, they get through all that hair and stuff. I know, I know. It's like a bushy tail and stuff. Yeah, it's probably pretty gamey. Yeah, it's gamey. Yeah. You know what's cute about squirrels? What? They hide acorns. Like, they gather all these acorns, and they hide a bunch, and they forget where they all were, and that's how a tree grows.

Is that true? How cute is that? Give it a go. Wow, I did not know that. That's adorable. It feels like a Pixar plot. Have they not made a good squirrel Pixar movie? Ah, that's a good question. Squirrels are kind of adorable. They're adorable. I mean, they're full of STDs, but... For sure. But that fluffy tail really saves them. And they're so quick. If they had a grosser tail, we'd look at them like rats. But that little fluffy tail really... Yeah. And in the words of George Car... Wait.

Estimates the number of new accidental squirrel trees planted each year range in the millions globally. Come on. Wow. But in the words of George Carlin, where's all the squirrel shit? That's like a great Carlin observation. I love this joke about how mice don't have shoulders. Such a dumb observation. I love that. Or how about Patrice's bit about how he's like, we feel bad when we eat animals, but we eat fish all the time because they don't have eyebrows. They're not like...

That's such a good point. It's a great point. Eyebrows really help. Yeah, well, we know. Thanks. No one's eating me. What about this? Oh, yeah, you're pretty hairy. You'd be like, ah, shit, I got another one. It'd be a lot of work to eat me. A lot of work. You'd have to shave it. Yeah.

It's a lot of work. Now, have you heard about this? I did. This is pretty wild. Comedian Craig Robinson evacuated from North Carolina Comedy Club due to gunfire. An unidentified man brandished a firearm inside the comedy zone in Charlotte and discharged his weapon. I mean, this is a club we both play. Yeah, you got that right. Great club. Great club, but it's such kind of a vague... I read the story and I was like...

was he in the room did he shoot did anyone get hit why did he brand a weapon what was his motive there's no information on this story yeah something's missing and then craig robinson said he went next door to the arena and played there and i'm like so you were lucid enough to go play a show the same night i mean wouldn't that fuck you up a little bit if somebody shot in your in your show i don't know something's off here yeah i don't know that's he appears in court okay

I feel like we're missing a step or something. Very strange. But, okay, in lieu of events last night, we'd like to thank all the amazing people that worked day in and day out. Blah, blah, blah. Boo is going to take a short breather. Okay. All right. That's a hell of a closer. Pulling a gun out. I guess Craig Robbins has got new merch now. Hey, get the gun shirt.

Andrew Tate in hot water again after telling women to stay home. Oh, this guy. This guy is just like a provocateur. I don't know who he is. He's one of these internet guys who's like, women should be in the kitchen and let the man do his job and the woman is the subordinate. He's one of those types. I don't know. Yeah. There's always one guy like that. What's the clip? I don't see it. Can I play it? He's trying. What would you do if I was going on a girl's holiday every other month?

I have to shut that down, I think it's disrespectful. Do you go on a holiday? Do whatever I want. You're with me, you don't want to. We go on holidays together, we go places together. When I have to go places with just the boys, you stay home. It could just be, like, women just go on holiday to have fun. And men will try and sleep with you. So? Does that mean the women are? Correct. This is what I'm saying. Agreed. No, no, agreed. Agreed.

But to be honest, we don't agree. It's not what we're telling you, because we agree. Yes, you do. We agree. No, we don't move on to the next question. No, we agree. We agree. You're right. They're going to try, and you're not going to let them. I agree. If I walk out to the car park, it doesn't matter how good the locks are on my car. If someone's trying to break into my car, am I going to let them keep trying? No.

No. It's disrespectful. It's mine and no one comes near it because it's mine. No one's gonna try and steal it. For me to put it in a place where people are gonna try and steal it is nothing less than irresponsible. My female is taken care of and has a fantastic life. She does not need to go on holidays to f*cking make an awesome B.A.H.O. on some random table. On some random table because her friend met some dude on f*cking Tinder.

No, stay home. Stay home. Interesting. I just don't know why he's getting so worked up. I mean, he says all that shit in a calm voice. It's not making headlines, right? Yeah, probably. I mean, it's not cool, but also, like, yeah, comparing a woman to your car. Right. It's like there's a lot. Like, we're basically just calling her an object here. Yeah, yeah. Boop, boop.

Yeah, that's true. It's tough. I mean, I don't know really the context of what he was saying, but I think he's just that guy. There's always one of these guys. Like, remember the guy, what was that book that went viral that everybody liked? Oh, Tucker Max. Not Tucker Max, the other guy. Like, how to nag a woman. Oh, the game guy. The game, that guy. And it's all bullshit. It's like, you got a peacock. I'm like...

I've seen some losers in fedoras. I don't know if that shit works, dude. That's true. I think this works for you.

But also those dudes, like I've seen dudes try to follow that shit. And I'm like, you just look like a tool. I know you're getting laid, but like you've sacrificed who you are. Yes. Yes. They're wearing sunglasses inside at a casino. They got flames on their shirt and they're like, oh, they got a weird soul patch, you know, and a chain wallet for some reason. And they're like, hey, whore, get me a drink. And she's like, what? This is your thing now? You're going to be this guy?

Come on. What's up with that shirt? Oh, this shirt? Oh, I didn't even realize I'm wearing it. It's because you're so hot that I'm on fire now. Exactly. I know. Cool.

And their whole life becomes like slaying puss, which look, I get it. We all like a good clam. But also, if you got a thing going, like put all that time into playing the piano or writing a book or something, you know, into a career or a hobby. I just think it's gross when people reduce women to their body parts.

There we go. Tits. Toast. Yeah, no, Mark's right. These types of dudes are always, it's like a vibe. It's like a thing. He's like, this is who I am. This is my audience. It's like, yeah, your girlfriend is a nice, I don't get it. So it's like she can't go on vacation is what he's saying with Adam. I don't get it. I think so, yeah. Because somebody's going to try to bang her a la breaking the car. I mean, look, we all have trust issues, but.

I mean, it's just like, what do you, why the passion? Like, why, like, to me, I'm just like, oh, this guy's been hurt in this way. Yeah, something's going on. That's what I hear. I don't know. Needs a hug. Maybe mom wasn't around. You always hear about daddy issues. What about mom issues? Those exist, too. Oh, yeah. This guy might have mom issues. Mom issues? I feel like we talk about them now. It feels like a magazine I would buy, too. Mom issues. Hey, what's going on here?

Denise Richards showcases her cleavage in racy red lingerie as she continues to promote her OnlyFans. Last month, Denise Richards launched her own OnlyFans page after her daughter, Sammy Sheen, started one. Oh, shit. Wow, so instead of telling her daughter not to do that, she's like, I'm in. Yeah, you can't beat...

mom here you know she I created your ass and I can also uh out tit ya I will say I mean you never know where life's gonna take you I had such a crush on Denise Richards as a kid I mean I remember uh I remember being like oh wait does it tell you how many followers they have and stuff

This is Denise Richards OnlyFans page. We're on here. I've never seen this. I've never been on OnlyFans. I mean, either. This is exciting. Yeah, Denise Richards, Wild Things. I mean, Starship Troopers. I remember all that shit. Of course, of course. Charlie Sheen's wife there. Charlie, if you're listening, we want you on this podcast. Yes. Everyone immediately start commenting on Sheen's Instagram right now. Come on, we might be drunk. Tag at we might be drunk so he knows what you're talking about.

Everyone go to Sheen now. We've been trying to get Sheen for a long time. Oh, yeah. We'll take Emilio Estevez also. Whatever you can get us. But we want Sheen. Now, who would you rather? Would you go mom or daughter here? Jeez. They're both very attractive. Both very attractive. I'm going to say neither out of respect to us pursuing Charlie at some point. Ah. But is that Charlie's kid? Yeah. Oh, it is. Sammy Sheen? Oh, jeez. I didn't see that. Okay. That makes sense. No, it's Martin's kid. Ha ha ha.

What are you saying, Mark? I got to go mom just because, I mean, look, if you've been with Sheen, you're going to be an animal. I mean, there's no way she doesn't do anal. They're both beautiful women. Both very attractive. Both gorgeous. I don't love the younger one has a bit of a...

Oh, I'm innocent. Is this okay? I like the mom. She's like, let's go. Put your balls on my forehead. Seasoned. Seasoned. Yes, and my balls, they're salty. Sorry. I like a vet. Yes. Give me a vet. I support the troops. Yeah. Here, here. All right. Sammy. I know a couple of ladies on OnlyFans who I'm friends with. Really? Part of me, I could just go online and...

And I can see a nip. Yeah, it's crazy. Isn't that wild? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, this is...

People are making crazy money on this shit. It's a very interesting time. Hey, don't objectify women. Hey, we're all equal. Hey, I'm not an object. But check out my OnlyFans where I show every body part for money. It's a very strange world we're living in. Well, we'll say there's something very, you know, my body, my choice about it. That's true. How could you be pro-choice and against this, right? I mean, I will say that like, you know. Well, no one's getting hurt, I guess, is the argument. No one's getting paid off their abortion.

Yeah. I made $120,000 last month on abortion fans. I've actually paid for a few abortions. Oh, yeah, but you're not getting any. But I didn't get any. Yeah, neither did she. She actually lost something. But, yeah, good point. All right. Well, hey, good news. Good news, brother. Denise, maybe I'll get on OnlyFans. Who knows? Would you? Do you have to pay per...

I've never done it. Oh, you gotta pay per. So you really gotta fall in love with somebody and want to see it. See, if it was a buffet, that'd be different. Here's what bothers me about it in theory as a consumer. If you went to a strip club, you leave. The OnlyFans, you never leave. You're always there, right? You can always just log on. They have your credit card, yeah. I mean, it seems crazy. I don't know. That's true.

Wow. See, this is female privilege, by the way. Yeah, who are the top male earners? I want to see. $3? Mia Khalifa. I can watch her for free on porn. Cardi B is on there? Whoa. Cardi B? Bella Thorne. I've heard of her. Wow. I wonder how their agents respond. They're like, what are you doing? And then they're like, give me a cut, please. Yes. Please give me a cut because I'm subscribed. Wow. Who are the top men on there? Oh, interesting. Interesting.

Bella Thorne. Isn't she famous? She's very attractive. Yeah. She was on Bill Maher's podcast. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. He was all over. Club Random. Yes. Okay, people. All right. Why would you have kids? Okay. The best Dunnigan, Kyle Dunnigan. Oh, my God. So good. That guy is underrated. Oh, yeah. Well, this is a new low. We've just sunk to Matt trying to hack into OnlyFans. Are you trying to see the men? No.

Yeah, we're really fucking up your browser history. Oh, yeah. I love Matt's wife coming in like, what the fuck? He's like, it's not what you think. And she scrolls back a few. She's like, you want to have a threesome with a sex robot that looks just like me? He's like, no, no. All right. Well.

I think we've got to wrap this thing up here. Should we do a bit or something? Oh, we should do a bit. Yes, for sure. What do you got? Here we go, baby. Pulling out the master list. And hopefully Bodega Cat is here any day now. Yeah, we got a nice text today. We might have to just open the episode with the push.

What do you mean? Like, we'll just add something, you know? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. I got that Amazon thing. You saved me on that bit. Really? Yeah. Which bit? Your angle was the one that worked. Hell yeah. Just about how Amazon... I was like, isn't it weird that adopted kids don't have reviews? Yeah.

And then I was like, Amazon, man, you're like, it should be Amazon should get into the adoption game. And that took it into the right direction. Sweet. But hold on. You got something I'm still looking. I had one I think could be something. The other day I saw a guy peeing in broad daylight just on the street. And this woman walks up to him and she goes, what's wrong with you? And I was like, what?

what do you, you want like an answer? Right, right. You think this dude is going to like be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Like to me, I'm like, who's crazier? The crazy person or the person who thinks she can communicate with the crazy person? It's like you see that person on the train. It's almost like a guy's just like, ah,

And she's like, keep it down. Right, right. Keep it down. Yeah, it's weird to ask a question. You can be like, hey, get out of here, sicko. Or hey, you pervert. Or hey, you piece of shit. But to ask a question, like, what are we doing here? Are you trying to get to the bottom of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want an answer is funny.

And also – Like that guy – the guy – you think he knows he's not supposed to – like he doesn't care regardless. You think he's going to pull his dick back in? He goes, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Years ago I was at Broadway Comedy Club and no one was looking and I was so broke that I opened the cooler and I stole a bottle out of it, like a beer bottle. And I was drinking. Some guy goes – like a worker was like, what are you doing? You can't steal that. I'm like, yeah, I know.

I was like, I thought no one saw me. Also, every other club doesn't charge us for this. You're the only club that's trying to make money off comedians having one beer. I had to steal it. Yeah, it was bad. We used to get lit up at Caroline's for free. I remember that shit. Those were the days, baby. Old fashions. Yeah. Bud Lights. I think you got something there because it's so relatable. Like-

What is wrong with you? I don't live around here and I got to piss. Yeah. It's pretty easy. It's like that James Smith joke. It's like, well, why do men cheat? Oprah is like, why do we want to fuck other chicks? I love James Smith. I miss that guy. Simple answer. Nice and easy. Thing is, of course, we want to fuck other chicks, Oprah. Yeah.

All right, I've been trying to crack the code on this bit, and it's missing an element. Yeah, hit me. Sometimes a joke is just missing an element. Yeah. So I talk about how my dad, he's kind of out to lunch, like he doesn't give a fuck or whatever. People are like, is he proud of you? And I'm like, I don't know. And I want to do this whole thing about how dad's...

don't really care that much like he's a good dad he was a provider whatever but that's why there's no fathers against drunk driving you know we got moms getting drunk driving shouldn't it be fad isn't it weird that there's no fathers like how did that go down like the wife is like we got to get together and help these kids and the dad's like hey that's a great organization honey but i've had 12 beers and i gotta get the car home maybe there's this all right you drive

Yeah, that's not bad. I think it's, you know, yeah, I hear what you're saying. I think it's a great premise. This is an old premise of yours. I remember you bringing this up to me once. There's not enough there, I don't think. Well, it's funny, like, the idea that, I mean, I feel like men just drink and drive more. Right. I just feel like that's, like, I could be totally wrong on those stats. What do you think? Is that crazy? I think it's something about, like, a guy will be, like,

Like, I'll be like, I'm thinking, like, how kids were made. I'm like, I bet that guy came over drunk or something. Right. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Like, guys just think of their high points drinking and driving. Yeah. Like, I made it to this chick's house and I fucked her, you know? Yeah. You don't think of the lowest. Uh-oh. Is this new or is this a joke?

Oh, no. Hilarious. Wow, that bit's over. Fuck. No, I think you can save it by saying, you know, there's a father's against drunk driving, but you never hear about it. You never hear about it. And why wouldn't they combine? Shouldn't it be parents, pad, parents?

Isn't it weird that... I think maybe that's the joke where you say... They're rivaling. You have a guy on that, they're like, yeah, yeah, do you know there's a Fathers Against Drunk Driving? They're like, why don't they combine? They're like, we don't know, but they are getting crushed. They're raising no money. They're spending it all on drinking. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because the moms, we've all heard of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. No one's heard of FAD. Wow. And why are there women in there? Oh, those might be the kids.

It's just weird that those are separated. Shouldn't the parents come together on this? Maybe the angle is like there's nothing else like that. There's no organization where a mom is like, we got to stop these kids from doing heroin. The dad's like, I'm out.

But with Fathers Against Drunk Driving, it's somehow they are out. Mothers Against Date Rape, we're like, we're going to do our own. You don't want to combine? They're like, we'll see who wins. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. Like, hey, why are we separating fundraising? Yes. And why are we reducing it? Like, some women are like, can I join? They're like, are you a father? Yeah. Yeah. Then no. It shouldn't be by sex. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. There's something there. Something there. I'll play with it. I'm going to... A good point where I got, like, all the stuff I need to get working, and then I have no new ideas. Oh, I have not. My new shit sucks. Hard to work on new stuff in West Palm Beach, I'll tell you. Oh, I can imagine. Not a great...

I mean, look, they were good crowds, but I feel like I'd be killing for like 45, 50, and then around the 50-minute mark, they're just like, whew. Yeah. I'm like, oh, you're done, huh? I know, and they start late over there a lot. I don't think that helps. That doesn't help. You can almost tell when the booze kicks in in a whole unit of people. Like the feature has a good set, you're killing up top, first 20s, lights out, and then it's just like, that's how I felt when I was there, and I'll be there in two weeks.

I had a great time, but yeah, that is definitely the, it's hard to work on shit in Florida. It really is. They get rowdy. Yeah. And they don't like an unpolished bit. You got to come at them.

Yeah, I feel like Tampa's like the only place you can kind of work on shit. But like Miami, Orlando, fucking... Jacksonville. Yeah, you got to bring the heat. You got to bring it, folks. They want to party. They're ready to go salsa dancing and we're in the way. Like, anxiety sucks. I got fake tits and cocaine. They're like, what? What is that? Yeah. I feel great. The weather here is awesome and we do drugs, so... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Should we plug dates? Hell yeah. Where are you going to be there? Make sure to get our merch at WeMightBeDrunkPod.com. Sign up for the Patreon. Yeah, we got some cool shit going on. This tequila was good. And we got...

A lot of great guests coming up. A lot of awesome stuff. Tell your friends about the pod. I feel like it's growing so quickly. We got Los Angeles added another show. We might add another as well. Bourbon Room, August 17th through 18th. Pittsburgh Improv the following week. Dania Beach, Florida. Louisville. Irvine. Omaha.

Phoenix, Lexington, Kentucky, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Oklahoma City, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana on Thanksgiving. Wow. Glad I agreed to that one. Talk about dads not being around. That's a tough one. Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. A lot of, you know, when I hit all the, I see people getting mags at San Jose and SF.

I'm coming, dude. Yeah. I'm working on a new act. I don't want to hit every fucking city quite yet. You got that right. I will be there. It's not because I don't like your city. I fucking love your city. Uh-huh. What about maybe a special, you got a ballpark on a date? September 1st. Whoa!

Okay. Netflix. Wow. Peter's jaw hit the floor. That was adorable. All right. All right. Well, geez, way to sneak that in at the end. Just like a pinky in the pooper. Came out of nowhere. And like a pinky in the pooper. It was nice. Well.

Yeah, that's exciting. All right. Tune in, folks. I mean, that's right around the corner. August is going to fly by, and here we are. Don't remind me, bro. But you got a little time to start polishing up that pissing on the street bit. Kill me. No, you'll be fine. The crowd, they get it now. The audience is so comedy savvy, they know what's what.

All right, I'm at the Comedy Connection. We already added shows, so get those tickets. We're at the West Palm Beach Improv. We just trashed it. Portland, Maine at the Aura. Back with Bert in the fully loaded Brandon, Mississippi. We've got a make-up date. Richmond Funny Bone. Red Rocks Amphitheater with Bert. Some kind of brewing company in Baker. Terabor? Terambler? Terambler? What does that say, Peters? Terambler.

Oh, Temblor. Okay. It's in Bakersfield, California, it looks like. Yeah, that'll be interesting. I've never been to Bakersfield. San Jose Improv, the Danforth Music Hall in Toronto, Royal Oak, Michigan. I'm actually with Jeff Ausmus on that one. Rockshin Theater. Just got passed to the cellar. Hey, Mazel Tov. Killer comic. Great comic. We'll follow Jeffrey Asmus on Twitter.

It's pronounced Asmus. It's spelled Asmus. Yes. On Instagram. Great clips. Funny guy. Revolution Hall in Portland. Pantages in Minneapolis. Neptune. Vogue. Joy. New Orleans. Vancouver. Seattle. Portland. Boston. Philly. Nashville. Come on by. We might be drunk. Say hello on the road. Buy a shirt. Get on the Patreon. Check out our specials. And congrats. September 1st.

Thank you.