Ep 89: Dina Hashem & Nasty Wine
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Yo! Hey, hey, we're doing it. We might be drunk. We're back. We're here. Still hungover. Different day. It's a problem. But hey, what's more appropriate than being hungover on an alcohol show? Speaking of hungover, last time I saw you, I was...

Way worse. I was like handicapped, hungover. Dina Hashem, everybody. Let her hear it. You guys can clap or something. Mark says that. All right. Is there someone I should be looking? No, it doesn't matter. Oh, okay. Look off into the distance. Thanks for joining us, Dina. We've got a little natty wine. We want to use the globe.

Yeah. Love a globe. I just found some natty wine. Nice. Looks good. Hell yeah. Is that Pharrell on the bottle there? Who is that? It looks like Pharrell. Love it.

We might have to turn Dina's mic full volume here. Yeah, totally. She's got the voice of a gay mouse. So we gotta get that cooking. You could have said quiet mouse. I don't know why you went with gay. Going for comedy here. Gay people are funny. Have you seen Fire Island? I haven't. Is it good? Oh, it's great. Really? It's good, yeah. I heard it's great. It's Pride and Prejudice, right? Mm-hmm. Pretty much, which is also super gay.

Yes. Oh, you're going to crack that. All right. Notice a lot of these wine bottles are going unscrew now. So I like the cork. It's got a cork.

I think corks are bad for the environment. Did you hear that? Quarks? I don't know. Give that a goog. I think it's like Keurig. The Keurig pods, they're ruining everything. Oh, for sure. I mean, well, plastic is just, in general, going to kill us. And Keurig coffee is dog shit. I'm drinking one right now. They're fucking horrible. Yeah, but they're so convenient. You gotta admit, they're in every office in the country. Did I sell you on the Grind and Brew, though? Oh, I love the Grind.

Send in some more bags of coffee, by the way, folks. Are you a coffee person, Dina? I have become one my whole life. I never drink coffee. And then I had a cup and I was like, oh, my whole personality was defined by not having coffee. It's so much better to live this way. But now I'm addicted to it. Like I feel tired without it. I don't even enjoy it.

It doesn't taste good. I don't like the taste of it. The first cup, when you're like, you ever sick for like 10 days, and then you just have one cup of coffee on day 11, and the coffee hits you so hard? Oh, it's the best. You went 11 days without coffee? When I'm sick, I don't drink a ton of it. Oh, man. It's like brushing my teeth now. I just have a coffee. It's an antidepressant, I'm told, too. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. It is not working on me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right. Tell me what you think. This could be weird. Natural wine is always very funky. No sulfites. A little cloudy. Okay. Yeah, it's very thick and it's more juicy than actual wine somehow. It looks more like a juice. Tell me what you think. That's pungent. My God. Damn, that's strong. Oh, oh.

Tina hates it. We have other alcohols. It's very tart. It's like sort of nail polish remover. I'm getting hints of nail polish remover. Well, Mark and I like sucking on fingers, so that's what we're doing. I think you've got to give it a minute, but I think this could be good. Oh, I like it. I'm into it. I like it better than regular. If you're not into it, Tina, I'll make you a cocktail. We've got a full bar. Oh, my God. That'd be really exciting. Yeah? All right. What do you want? What do we have, Matt? Do we have a ton of shit? Roll them.

You want to mic me up and I'll go over there? I haven't seen you that appalled since you had bacon that one time. Well, this is my mom's worst nightmare. When I first started doing stand-up, she was like, I don't want you hanging around bars and men. It's beautiful. Your mom is very religious. Yeah. I mean, she's a different person now. She's like chilled out, but she was a nightmare when I was growing up. Oh, really? My dad was the same way.

Not like that. Well, no, he's not a muscle. But he was just the scary dad. And then as he got older, he just chilled out. And he's an old man now. And he's like, how are you? Because they want to keep you in their life. Exactly. And they're weak and tired, I think, also. So it's a survival thing. Like, I got to be nice. This guy can beat me up now.

Whereas as a kid, it's a hairy knuckled guy and a wife beater. What about, was the mom, was she a hitter? Only once. Only once when, you know, one time. And see, it makes me feel bad to tell bad stories about her because she's so nice and gentle now. Like, I don't want that image of her in the world. Oh, we don't have to put it out there.

What are we talking? Curvy sword? A wooden spoon? Yeah, she took a scimitar. Is that what those are called? The curvy sword? Yeah, a scimitar.

No one. What do you like? I do tequila usually, but I'll have anything. I'm already drunk from this wine. It's so strong. It's heavy duty. The natural wine is no joke. Is that mint in there? I'd love some. Oh, yeah. This is our second ep.

So buckle up, sister. I love that you just drink all day for work. Not bad, huh? And then when we do stand-up, we have a drink there. Oh, yeah. I was literally just talking to a girl. She goes, I have interviews all day. I'm like, I got to work, too. Oh, yeah. Not too shabby. Not too bad. Every comic on earth has done the joke, but it's such a great joke. You understand why things become hacky? Because they work.

But you've heard the joke where the comic goes on stage, takes a swig, looks at his notes, checks his phone and goes, you're telling me when you get to work, you start right away? Yeah, yeah. Kills! Classic. Classic. Whoever the first person to think of that was, hats off, but I have no idea.

I've heard it 8,000 times by nine different people. Dina, you were just writing for a show in California. How was that? I was. It was really fun. It was my first time writing a joke for something other than myself and then seeing it be used in a script. I'm excited to watch the show now to see someone say my joke. It's a very exciting feeling. It's an animated show, right? No, it's Sex Lives of College Girls. Oh, but you were writing for an animated show.

Oh, before I was writing for a Muzzy cartoon. Wow, a Muzzy cartoon. The first of its kind. Hey, groundbreaking. What's the premise? Is it about a woman not talking? I wish. No one's interested in showing the female Muslim perspective. I have to complain. It's just really difficult. That's the one I want to see. Really?

Well, the struggle is real. I mean, the burqa, is that burqa? The burqa is part of it. Yeah, yeah. And then the rocks and the no driving. Yeah, yeah. I think, well, you know, Saudi Arabia is really playing, they give a lot of money to American entertainment. They have a large stake in it. So this is my conspiracy theory that they're saying, don't give anything to a Muslim woman. We can't.

I see. I only like conspiracy theories that protect me from feeling failure. That's what I like. Do you ever get nervous about the backlash? Well, I mean, I'm sort of desensitized to it after a certain incident. I'm sorry, I was over there. The backlash from what? Like a Muslim backlash, I mean. Yeah, no, I think one day if I were to get some sort of like...

large special or something like that. It could be an issue, but that's exciting. I guess. You've dealt with it already. I feel like the worst that could happen, you already got hit with. And we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to. I don't care. Well, the thing is, I think Muslims would actually carry out their threats of violence. Exactly. Charlie Headbow.

That's an example. But you said it in a funny way. That's why we're laughing. Usually I go, 9-11. That's why we're laughing. Katrina.

Yeah, yeah. But you dealt with it in a way that was so unfair where like, I thought your joke was funny. Great joke. You posted a joke about this rapper. Not even me. Comedy Central posted it. They posted it. Good point. But what we do as comics is we write topical jokes. I didn't think your joke was mocking a dead person. First off, I think comics kind of have free reign to begin with, but...

You made a joke that was like, it's the perfect ad for Venmo because he got killed with a lot of money, right? Yeah, basically. That's a funny turn. And it's not against him. No, in the joke, I say it's tragic that he died. So I...

Exactly. They see blood. Young people on the internet see blood and they're like, it's a way. It's sick. Well, it's just that fan base. I mean, the guy who just got, who did, what was the last mass shooting? I lose track. What was the last one? Oh, the park. I mean, this is coming out in three weeks, so there'll be about five or ten more.

The Chicago. Yeah, so the guy who did that was like one of those guys. He was an emo rap guy with like the face tattoos. He probably sent me a death threat during that time. Probably. That's why I was so scared with the Doc thing. It could only take one weirdo to like see your address and actually want to do something to you. That's true. That's true. Yeah, and that guy, it's like really the...

the classy well-read murderers are a thing of a past. Yeah. Like the ones who like quote Shakespeare and like, like we were talking about John Wilkes Moote before. Like you like shouted out something from Julius Caesar, right? Meanwhile, yeah. Now, now it's like when someone murders someone, they're like, they're like, it was something from, uh, I don't fuck it. You find your SoundCloud. Yeah. Lime wire or something. I don't know. Right. My face tattoo.

I mean, this dude was a fucking loser's understatement. My girlfriend tweeted something about R. Kelly, like, hey, I'm glad he's in jail. And she got a ton of shit. Usually with him you get pissed. Hey, clip it. What is going on here? You can't be mad at the guy who kept women in a dungeon and pissed on them and all that? What are we doing here? You really want to be on that side of it in this Twitter fight?

It's weird. It is weird. I mean, but you know what? All it takes is those diehard fans and those people, like, they have fans, man. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it be nice to have a fan base like that that would, like, kill for you and defend you to the death? Sure. Hell yeah. Yeah, but it's dangerous. Look, any mumble rapper, if there's one less, I'm happy. I'm all for it. It's a shitty art or whatever you want to call it. It's a bad genre. Yeah.

It's got mumble in it. It sucks. How do you sell a dude that looks like that a gun too? Like he, that look is fucking terrible. If I saw a dude like that, I'm like, you just, I was on a bus. I went away out of the city for a few days and I was on a bus and there were two dudes that look like that. And I was like, I'm fucking dead. Yeah.

You just visualize, they're gonna just kill everyone on the bus. - It's becoming more mainstream now. It's actually gone into basic bitch culture. Like now you can find white blonde girls with face tattoos. It's becoming a thing. - I got a message from a fan and she was like, "I got this face tattoo." And I wrote back like a joke,

Because I have this app community where you can text. You know that one? I don't know this. Well, they can text you. You know when people say in their Instagram profile, you can text me here? Yeah. It goes to this. It's not like my real number, obviously. That'd be crazy. But it's like...

Thing you can blast it tells you the city there and so you can blast the city when you go So this woman text me and sometimes I respond she goes I got this horrible face that - and I wrote a joke back and she goes no I'm serious and she sends a picture and she goes it's it's like a Wiccan tattoo. That's been appropriated by Nazis I'm like, I mean, yeah, I mean you lost me at face tattoo. It's already a bad idea But you picked one that got that's like a Nazi. Uh-huh

You have a Nazi face tattoo? Well, appropriated by Nazis. That's a funny reason to be mad at Nazis. They stole my idea. Wow. It's like a picture where you're almost like, I thought she was kidding. It sounds like something that's a joke. Yeah, but it is getting more normalized for sure. You see a guy with a face tattoo and it was like a teardrop thing. He was in jail. He killed a guy, whatever. But now it's like a Post Malone.

There's more job opportunities. That's what it comes down to. You used to get a neck tattoo and it's like, you can't get a job. Yeah, remember that old Todd Berry joke? He's the guy with the neck tattoo the other day and you think, man, you forgot to not do that. Great joke. So simple.

Yeah, the face tattoo. I mean, it has to be that way. I mean, you have to keep ramping up. But now how do you prove now that you're really a freak? There's like no way to do it. Like you have to be normal in order to be counterculture. It's just to look normal. Tip to be square. I think you're right. That's punk. Khakis are punk. Yes, dockers. Whoa, easy there.

Dude, the stainless dockers, those khakis, those were made for alcoholics. Those were made for drunks where you're like, you literally can spill nothing. Yeah. That's a genius. All pans should be stainless. You know who would be a great spokesperson for that is Monica Lewinsky. Like, I should have been wearing these. I thought you were going to say Burt Kreischer. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. That's a different stain. But yeah. But you... So you're working on these shows and you're in a writer's room and this new one, it's Mindy Kaling, right? Yeah. And what season is it? Second season. I wasn't on the first season. Just...

And it's like younger characters, right? Yeah, they're all in college. And they're just, you know, fucking, doing a lot of fucking. I have no experience. Like, I cannot bring any personal experience to the show because I was still like a recovering Muslim in college. It's just funny that I'm. That's hilarious. That's the name of your sitcom, though. Recovering Muslims. That's the show. You're an AA. You're an AA. I'm Muslim Anonymous. I'm trying to get over it.

But, I mean, it's great you're getting experience in these rooms now because we need a Dina Hashim sitcom. Yes. I've got it. I've got so many ready to go and people are excited in a meeting and then I imagine they get a call from like the royal family in Saudi Arabia. It's like you can't do this. You can't. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. That TV world is tough. The meetings are so funny. They're the worst. We're huge fans. Well, you own a network. Yeah.

Yes, you can make it happen. Exactly. Look, if it was our choice, you're Netflix. It is your choice. Yeah, it's like when Biden tweets like, oh, this is terrible. It's like, yeah, you can do something about it. Right, right. I think the Brittany Griner shit, just to me, I'm like, how are you not doing something about that? I know. She's in fucking prison. I think Trump got like ASAP Rocky or something. Yeah, but that was like Sweden or something. Oh, that's Sweden. Russia's a different animal. I'll give you that. Yeah. Yeah.

But also, like, dude, it's like 100 days. I mean, more when this comes out. Hopefully she's out. But, I mean, that's like, that breaks you. It was CBD oil. It was like the least harmful. Or hash oil. Oh, okay. That sounds worse. You don't want to be the person that corrects the guy there. It was actually, it was hash, which is still fucking nothing. I didn't know that. But they're athletes. They got joint issues. Exactly. It's helpful. It's medicinal.

And then LeBron got a ton of shit because he said something like, if that was me, I don't even know if I'd want to come back to America because they're not fighting. But then he was saying, no, I love America. I'm just saying that I would feel hurt that they're not trying to fight to get me back. Well, we need you to tweet about it. Because apparently that makes waves. But yeah, that's one call. That's all. Yeah, but Russia probably wants us to trade a terrorist for him. Ah.

That's probably the move. They're like, we'll give you this innocent WNBA player, but you got to give us a guy who slit someone's throat for no reason. Yeah, take Yakov. We'll call it even. That's an old reference that people got. Do any of our listeners know Yakov Smirnov? I don't know.

You don't, Peters? Okay, okay. He was big. He was huge. He's still in L.A., I think. Oh, yeah. Nice guy. Nice guy. You met him? I've met him. I met him at the store once. Sweet guy. Funny guy. He's the in-Soviet-Russia guy. Yes. Soviet-Russia. Car drives you. Or whatever. But it was a hit. It was the good or done of his day. Yes. He's the Russia. He's Larry the...

This wine's growing on me. I'm getting into it. I'm sorry you hated it, Dana. It's all right. I mean, in my mind, I like organic stuff, but this is not it. It's weird. It's vinegary. You know what it tastes like the first time you taste your mom's wine and you're like, oh, that's what this tastes like. Takes me back. Yeah. I like it. It's got a kick.

Yeah. It is tough. What the hell were you thinking? What was that orange one you had last time? I like to mix it up. Why do we always have to do orange one? I want to fucking experience shit, dude. You're like, should Peter's get it or should I get it? I'm like, you get it. You'll get the right one. And then you come back with old... I rolled the dice. They said this was a really good one. This feels like Welch's. Somebody jizzed in a Welch's.

Alright, sorry. We got a guest here. I fucked up. Nah, you're fine. I'm not to be trusted anymore. I get it. It's natural though. At least it's natural.

This is, I'm going to be just always apologizing. This is my relationship dynamic. I'm sorry. I fucked up. So wait, back to the writer's room, because I've only been in like two writer's rooms, and it was for award shows. And so that's easy, because it's in and out. It shoots once. This is a TV show that has multiple episodes. But would you prefer stand-up, or do you like to mix it up or do both?

My ideal world is that I have my own show and I can create the room and have people like my friends in it. That seems like the most fun thing to me, just having a room of your friends and coming up with jokes and stuff. It's a little harder with people you don't know because you don't know if your sense of humors will clash or something like that. But I got lucky in that room. Everyone was really funny and cool. Were there stand-ups or were they all just pure writers? No stand-ups, yeah. Writers are actually great for improv people.

It's like the one thing they really should do and like have the skill for because you're just sitting in a room and saying whatever comes to your head. Right. Yeah, they can keep the ball in the air. Exactly. Whereas with stand-up, I'm like, it's my like little dark art. I want to be in a room secluded and writing things, but that's not how it works. Exactly. And stand-ups are all about the end of the joke. We want the punchline and that's it. And they're like, they can just keep yes anding. Volley. Volley. And they find more stuff. Yeah, they're team players, right? Stand-ups are selfishness.

We're such selfish people. I know. We're really brutal. It's true. I was talking to my therapist today and I was like, I'm selfish. And I was like hoping he would be like, you're not. He was like, yeah. Oh my God. Good therapist. Are they allowed to be honest with you guys? They should be. I like it. Yeah. The writer's room. You know what seems like a fun writer's room was I watched a documentary on Arrested Development and it's just the funnest thing.

It was right before that time where things got a little dicey and you couldn't say this or that. And they said crazy shit on Arrested Development. And the writers room just looked so fun. And they're all droning. That guy Chuck Martin who's at the cellar sometimes. He was at Arrested Development. Oh, yeah. He's funny. He was a producer in there, I think. It just seemed like...

they were friends being funny and then they made a show around that. That's the dream, right? Like we used to watch, you see those clips of those like Friars Club roasts and they're just buddies shitting on each other as opposed to now it's like a hired gun being like, hey Chevy Chase, no one likes you. And he's like, no.

What the hell happened? Well, they both used the N-word. Chevy Chase and the Friars. But yeah, those roasts did seem fun. But who knows? They probably walked off stage and hit a lady or who knows. Yeah. Those are different types. I'm not saying they were model citizens, but I just meant the vibe of like the friendship culture is... Yeah.

It's true. Now, Dina, Dina's the hiccups. Is it the tequila? Do you get hiccups when you drink? I mean, you know this, I have them every day anyway, but carbonation definitely triggers it. Damn. Hiccups every day. She gets the hiccups a lot. Every few hours. How do you, how do you kill that?

It's just a disease. I don't know. Oh, is it a disease? I mean, I don't know. I've had them every day since I was like 14, so... Well, like for about a half hour or so? Well, I get like three, and then it's over. And then a few hours later, I'll get like three more. It's just some sort of diaphragm thing. I don't know. Wow.

That's a wild ailment. The scaring doesn't work, right? No. No, but people try. People try. I know. I've tried. We've been in the green room like, boom. And she's like, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that. You're like, you're off the show. What? All right. What? Jeez. Is there a name for that?

I don't know. I went to a doctor once when I was young and they were just like, get out of here. You know? It's not important. Who cares? That is true. He's got a cancer patient in the other room. He's like, I have hiccups. Please. Every day. They're really annoying. I get three of them. Come on. That's not a respirator. Is the drink okay? It's great. What was this? Just tequila soda? It's just tequila soda. We're keeping it simple here. Nice. Well, I thought we had a more impressive bar, Matt. We got to get some fucking...

Hey, if you're listening, send us some fucking alcohol to Gotham Studios so we don't have to pay for it. But we need some gin. I mean, like, you never know when you want to have a Negroni. I mean, there's like basic cocktails. We got to have we got Tom Papa coming in next week. We need vodka and gin for a martini. I mean, he's a martini drinker. You got that right. I

That's a good one. We just need the, you just need to have a full bar if we got this studio. You have to get fun mixers, like Elderflower is really in right now. What is that? I don't know. It's like an herb, isn't it? Yeah, it's one of those things. Oh, all right. You know what Elderflower is. I've never heard of Elderflower in my life.

I'm not against it. It's an older flower. I guess it is. I don't know what it is. Is that like a really old virgin? I don't know what that is. But yeah, I'm down. But yeah, it'd be nice to have a mini fridge with a bunch of soda water and lacroix. Well, we do have that. We have it right there. We have a mini fridge. What are you talking about? Well, maybe some like, you know, what do you call it? Bloody Mary mix, some limes in there, you know. Bloody Mary's is big for this because we come in here feeling like dog shit a lot.

And then we have to work. Yes. We're doing our job. So the first writing job, was that like, did you submit or was that, were you brought in? The first one was just through Rami. Rami Youssef. Yeah.

Good dude. Yeah. Yeah, that's the Muzzy cartoon that's going to be coming out at some point. And it's also my first voice acting gig, which is something I really just have always wanted to do. You have a great voice. It's about time. Thank you. You do. Thank you. And someone finally noticed. I mean, some would say it's a game out, but I think it's wonderful. I think it's very nice. Well, actually, the role I got is not far from that. It's a suicidal lamb. Isn't that me? That's me.

That's you. They nailed it. Now, if it has a hiccup problem, we're in.

A suicidal lamb. That sounds like a hell of a punk band. Suicidal lamb. Voice over is the dream game. I look at Hank Azaria and I'm like, that's like the dream career. The best. Aside from the documentary made against you by Hari. Yeah. It's a good career. But he also does like nine voices too. Some people are like, you're just going to do your voice. Not saying you're not talented, whatever. I was watching his show Brockmire. It's a really good show. I got to get on that. It's really fucking good.

He's just a great actor. He's a talent. I mean, Birdcage, he fucking killed it. And he's in all these great 90s movies you forget about, like Heat, Gross Point Blank. Hank, if you're listening, I emailed you and you never responded. I'm serious. You never responded to our email. We met once at a dinner. It didn't really work out. I think he's scared of comics after Hari. I know. Well, we like him. You know what happened? William Morris, our agency, set up a dinner.

And it was just a bunch of people. And I sat down. And I didn't plan it. I just sat down next to Hank Azaria. And I'm like, holy shit, I'm sitting next to Hank Azaria. This is cool. And then I got up to take... It was winter. I got up to hang up my jacket. As I got up, someone sniped and took my seat. That was a coveted seat. I'm on the other end. I had no end. Damn. Come on, Hank. We need you.

Talk about being a voiceover guy. Like, as comics, we go, oh, you're a comedian? Tell me a joke. He must be like, come on, give me Moe. Give me Barney. Oh, we would do that. Oh, my God. No, he's not Barney. That's Dan Castellanato. Oh, shit. But he does, like, Moe. Who does Hank Azaria voice in The Simpsons? Groundskeeper Willie, maybe? Does he really? I think so. Otto? Does he do Otto? He might do Otto, yeah.

He's also in Ghost Point Blank, which is one of my favorite 90s comedies. Great movie. He's in Heat. He's in a lot of great movies. Crazy, he's in Heat. Oh, he does Comic Book Guy. Snake. Dr. Nick. Chief Wiggum. Moe. Damn, these are some classics. And you know, they had another Moe, but apparently the guy was a dick and they just got rid of him. Oh, really? Well, they nailed it. Look at Apu's last name. It's hilarious.

Oh, he does Lou and Wiggum. Man, Kirk Van Houten, Disco Stu.

Disco Stu. Oh my god. See, it's impossible to get these jobs because there's like three people who can do anything that you want. Like John DiMaggio and other, he does like Bender and like every other voice. That guy's amazing. So good. Remember when we did that funeral home in LA and Mel Blanc's tombstone was in there? What's that place called? Masonic Lodge. Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Yeah. Well, they got that cemetery right there. Mel Blanc. Yeah. His tombstone just says, that's all folks. Oh. How fucking cool is that? That's the best.

But that guy did every voice. He was like a savant, that guy. Next level. Yeah. So you're getting a double paycheck because you're writing and voicing. Yeah. I wrote on the first season and now I'm voicing. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. And that's on Amazon. It's still being animated and stuff. It takes forever for a cartoon to get made, but I don't know when it'll come out. But when it does, I'll be the suicidal lamb. What's the name of the show?

I don't think it's been named yet. I'm not sure. Damn. Interesting. Well, look out. You'll hear about it. I don't even know if I'm allowed to talk about it. I hate to break your bubble here, but there is a cartoon already called Muzi.

Pull it up. It's a French cartoon I had to watch when I was learning French as a kid. Oh, Muzzy. Muzzy. Oh, my God. I've been saying Muzzy so often as like a nickname for Muslim, and I totally blanked that that's a word. So, well, I'm just saying that can't be the name of the new one, the new cartoon. This wine's growing on me. Yeah, it's getting there. You know what's good? This natty wine gives you no hangover. That's true. I was drinking it. There it is. Ooh, look at that. I remember the commercials. Oh, yeah. That was big in my school.

Dude, what was the show that... There was a show they used to show at my school. It was Ben Affleck. Was it Voyage of the Mimi? Remember that shit? No, I think it's Meme.

My dad still says Mimi. Have you seen this Mimi about Elon Musk? Yeah, it's Ben Affleck on that shit. What? Look at that. He's blonde. Wow. Too cute. Kevin Spacey's getting hard somewhere. He looks like the kid in Big Daddy. It's fucking crazy. Oh, yeah. Same haircut.

Oh, Philip Seymour Hoff. Yeah, he's classic in it. Gwyneth Paltrow. Who plays the British guy who's really great in it? Oh, like the older guy? Yeah. I don't know.

Jude Law's dad, you mean? Yeah. I don't know, but... Great movie. Oh, and Philip Seymour Hoffman, my favorite actor of all time. I forgot she's in this shit. Holy crap. Oh, Baker Hall. Baker Hall, who just passed away. RIP to a legend. Wow. James Rebhorn, that's who the dad... Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. ...who also passed away recently, who's an amazing character actor and is in every movie you've ever seen. Blanchett. PSH has such a small role and somehow steals the whole movie. He's...

Such a creep in it. I love it. Boogie Nights, he did the same thing. He always did that. He was incredible. Incredible. He's great in Magnolia, too, but I saw him on 2nd Avenue once, and it wasn't a pretty sight.

He was barreling down Second Avenue and everybody's like jumping out of his way. And he clearly had something going on. Cate Blanchetta somehow got in hotter. I don't know how this happened. Oh, so hot. That last movie, she's in Nightmare Alley. Not a great movie, but she is so hot. That's interesting. I mean, the word I would classify her as beautiful. Look at that. I mean. No, she's hot. Really? Okay. Go to the one in the red with the hair up. Yeah, that one.

Look at those cheekbones, baby. Come on. Sit right on my face. I love that. I love loving older women. That's so nice. I love older women. You know who else is getting hotter? And this is a weird one. It's Tilda Swinton. Love her. Similar vibe. Similar vibe. Kind of strange looking, but it works. Tilda's very androgynous. I love androgyny. It's my favorite. Yeah, look at that. She was hot in Trainwreck.

That was not an androgynous role, though. No. She's very, very feminine in that role. I love Laura Dern in A Marriage Story. Is that what it's called? Marriage Story? I haven't seen that. Oh, you've got to see it. Great movie. Unreal. Yeah. The acting, it's so passionate. Excellent movie. That's like modern day Kramer versus Kramer. Yes. I don't like the guy. What's his act? Driver. Yeah, I don't get it with him. Really? It's a great movie. Oh, yeah. Noah Baumbach. Yeah, that's a great movie.

Yeah, great movie. I mean, talk about just like raw passion acting. It's all script. It's all... Shockingly good. Like, I didn't expect... I mean, I'm with Norman. I think it's like...

It delivers a blow, especially as someone who's only dated people who want to live in California. It delivered a real fucking gut punch to me. Right. Yeah, I mean, R.I.P. Ray Liotta, who's great in it. Oh, yes. Laura Dern is great in it. I mean, it's a really solid movie. If you ever had a bad breakup, this is going to hit a nerve. Okay.

Yeah, she's... Who else? Hold on, I had another thing. Oh, wait, you don't like Adam Driver? He's the one I never got. I don't get it with him. I don't get it either. He's a great actor. Look at that face. That's the face of the devil. People think he's attractive. Who gives a fuck? Dustin Hoffman was a leading man. He's cute.

Hoffman's cute. A young Hoff. Like, Driver is appalling. I think talent should trump everything, and I think he's talented. To be honest, I've only seen him in Star Wars, so... Oh, come on. Yeah, he looks fucking good here. What are we talking about? Facially, and he's a Marine, by the way. He was a Marine, right? Yeah, he's a badass. That doesn't hurt. I think he's a really good actor. Great actor.

No one denying the acting. I'm a fan. Ah, I'm drinking here. Come on. What are we doing? Jesus Christ. I'm joking, driver. I think he's great. I heard Patterson's great, too. I've never seen it. I heard it's good, too. I don't know Patterson. I like that it's about Jersey. I feel like that would be your type of movie. It's like a brooding poet type thing, you know? Yeah. And it's Jersey, right? Patterson v. Jersey? Ah, interesting. Whenever I drive through there, I always think, somebody should make a movie about this town. Yeah.

I did the Patrice O'Neill benefit and he was in the audience. Really? Yeah, that was fun. I did that once. I did a really crazy one. What does that mean? Oh, the lineup was just stacked. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it was a great time, man. That's a great theater, a great event. Town hall. Yeah, amazing.

Yeah, pretty epic. Yeah, he was there and he came backstage and Bill Burr was talking to him. Oh, wow. And by the way, he's like 6'4 or something. And Bill Burr's like, hey. He's like, what are you doing here? He's like, I'm doing a movie about a performer and I want to watch.

That's a little, that would make me uncomfortable. An actor being like, I'm studying your movements. You're like, ugh, just fucking laugh or don't. I'm scared. I don't know why, yeah, I mean, I think it's cool when actors aren't like typical looking. I like when, like we're talking about Tilda Swinton. Why can't we have this guy, you know? I'm not saying we can't have him. I'm just saying every girl I talk to is like, oh, Adam Driver, he's the sexiest man alive or whatever. I'm like, all right.

I've seen the face. But I think the face for a lady isn't as important. Who's like an actor that you're like, that dude's hot? I hesitate to say just because I'm such a loyal girlfriend and I know he's going to watch this. These are celebrities, though. I know. I'm just, that's how good of a person I am. Wow, you're a good fucking person. I know, right? Damn. You won't even give a, yeah, I respect that. How about like from like the 40s or 50s? That way it's not, they're dead. They're dead. Let's go dead men.

All right. I mean. 60s. You like a honky. You're not too into the. No, I've dated every couple of people. Oh, okay, okay. I don't care at all. There's no pattern between everyone I've been with. They all look different. I mean, he's gay, but like Rock Hudson is obviously. Really? Everybody loved Rock Hudson. I've just never heard that. I like it. He's got AIDS. Yeah.

That was the catch. You get the Bang Rock Hudson, but you do get Ares. I never knew he was a hot guy. He's a handsome guy. Yeah, I guess you're right. Look at that jaw. Look, he's got the manly chin, too.

I am actually rarely attracted to men. I think it's really unfair that women on the whole are so much more attractive than men, right? I mean, look, we're drinking. We'll go with you all day on this one. I'll say this right now. I would much rather fuck a woman than a man. Yeah. I don't care who I piss off. I think I'm with you. I mean, every day on the train, there's like 20 beautiful women. You can just turn your head and see one. But men, it's like never. My body's disgusting. Yeah.

I look terrible shirtless. Yeah, I don't know. The fact that women can be turned on by talent and charm and personality, that's our only saving grace. Thank God. Thank God. But you don't care about that in women. You don't care. We care. We care. But it doesn't... It definitely elevates them for sure. Definitely elevates. If a woman is self-aware, smart, funny... Personality when you're young doesn't...

doesn't matter you're just turned on but when you get older yeah I very much value a great personality especially if you want to like talk about dating and you know becoming more of a thing you definitely need all that stuff I go on some bad first dates I do I get a lot of like you can use this in your act I'm like let me use this instead blow my fucking head off a little Kurt Cobain no it's I mean look there's

Women look the other way on looks for sure. Men, we do look the other way on personality a lot because we value looks. But what I mean is like, you're less likely to go for a woman who's like average looking but who has like very accomplished and talented. Like you need the attraction whereas... You need it, yeah. Well, I think men are much more shallow. Yeah, we're just wired that way. It's kind of like biology. Hey, reproduce good offspring, whatever. And then the other stuff will come later. But also, how are you supposed to know the personality immediately?

You can see a woman walk by and go, holy shit, she's gorgeous. But it's not like you can go, she's funny or smart or whatever because you've got to have a conversation. I just think a lot of men are just... We're just shallow. I think we're just often looking for like...

That's going to sound crass. Where we can dump our next load. Whoa, wait. Oh, jeez. Well, that's inappropriate. I walked Mark. No, but I do think... I said, are you writing for Hallmark these days? Happy Valentine's. No, I think when you're in a relationship...

Like, look, I very much value a relationship when I'm in it, but I think a lot of guys, does that sound terrible? I think a lot of guys are very much shallow and looking weird. Of course, it's just how we are. Yeah, I do think that. It's a fact. If you meet someone great, of course, like monogamy, one woman, I'm all in. But when you're not, when you're seeking them out, I do think there is like a, think about how much more men masturbate than women. Yeah, yeah.

Is that wrong? I don't know. That's probably true. I'm not the right person to ask. Oh, really? Her mom's listening, too. My gal, Matt. Here's what's weird. For a guy, it's like an oil change. You knock it out, you're done, whatever. My gal will rub one out for like two hours. Really? Yeah, but rarely. Maybe like once a week or twice a week. That's how long an Adam Driver movie is. Yeah, exactly. So...

That's the difference. I'm done in 30 seconds, 40 seconds, you know. One, you know, AARP commercial and I'm done. You know, but she's got a... She watches three modern families. Wait, so you know... She loves that O'Neal. How do you know this? She'll tell me. I'm like, hey, where... I called you earlier. She's like, oh, I was rubbing one out. Wow. Yeah. We're very open. Damn. Yeah, I just... I'm not... I think once you're in, you're in, but I do think there's like a...

A lot of guys on apps are just looking for sex. Of course. You know, and I think a lot of women on there are like long-term only. No hookups. Yeah. I think that's why they have to put that out there because they know that guys are shit. Sure. I think that's changing though. I think there's a lot of women who also just want to hook up, but it's like, I don't know, maybe weirder to say that out loud. I don't know. Yeah, it shouldn't be. I feel like we've, you know, we say, well, society, this and that. It's like, well, let's change it. You know, like...

Well, guys try so little already to begin with. The effort is so minimal on these dates that if a woman said that, they'd put in zero effort. No woman wants a guy to be like, come over. That's a good point. That's what it is. But don't you ever just want... I mean, I know you're in a super hardcore relationship here. You can't even talk about a celebrity you're attracted to. Tony Danzen taxi. He was cute. He was cute. But...

I forgot my point. You said Tony Danza. She's in a hardcore relationship. Wanting to hook up, just to hook up? Yeah, yeah. Don't you ever just have that? When I was 25, when I turned 25, that was the point when I was able to have a one night stand. Before that, I couldn't imagine having sex with someone who I wasn't emotionally attracted to. I don't know what happened when I turned 25, but suddenly...

I was able to hook up with a comedian who was only able to accept a blowjob before coming and then handed me a Clorox wipe and said, "I have to go to sleep now." - A Clorox wipe? - Bill Cosby, everybody. - Wow. - Jesus Christ. - Who is this guy? - I won't lie to you. - A Clorox wipe? - He was just like a goofball. He didn't know what he was doing. - Man, you're so cool.

I'm gonna try that. Of course, Dina, she's like, he's a character. Wow. Instead of just a fucking egregious scumbag. I got a fuck in the ass. I'm a goofball.

He was a really nice guy. He just he warned me that he was out of practice with women. I was like, that's fine. I'm horny. Let's just go. Yeah. And he wasn't lying. So I'm out of practice with women. You call me like lunchables. What do we do? I don't know what we do here. You know, you walk on a plane and they hand you that wipe. That's what Dina does. This guy would come over. Here you go. All right. Right when you walk in. That's amazing. I mean, fantastic.

Look, the single stuff is interesting. It is wild out there. I don't envy women for what they have to put up with and what they have to deal with on first dates. And I think the apps kind of hurt you guys in the negotiation department. Because before it was just like, I got to take this girl out. I got to buy her drinks just to maybe get a shot at grabbing a boob. And now I feel like Tinder has just ramped all that up and the woman has no bargaining chip anymore, really. No.

But you tell me. You're the gash. That's my stage name. But, you know, I feel like that women had a lot more power before because it was like, hey, you know, you want to hook up with me? Well, I mean, there's debates about this. Yeah, like birth control would like change the game where it's like now you don't have to find a partner that's like willing to provide and all this and everything.

I don't know. I think we're all monsters, to be honest. I agree with that. I agree. Like, I've had some experiences recently that make me agree with that for sure. Oh, yeah. Where I'm just like, wow, people are fucking lunatics. Yeah. Yeah.

on both sides and then alcohol fuels the lunaticness i do feel like i'm the guy that women are like i'll fuck him just to show my ex and i'm just like i didn't need this i was i was that guy too and i was like i'll be that guy and it still bugged me it bugged me because then occasionally get the woman who's just like you're like is everything cool and they're like and you're like you miss him she's like yeah i'm like yeah we don't have to have sex oh yeah shit yeah i had a guy text me once he's like

This is when I first started doing comedy, like 2006. He's like, did you fuck my whatever? And I was like, oh, I didn't know she was your ex. And he's like, you piece of shit. I ought to come fight you. And I'm like, well, first of all, you're done. You guys are exes. Like, you're allowed to fuck someone's ex. And then he's like, well, she only did it to get back at me. And I was like, yeah, whatever, asshole. And then it just stuck with me. And then I texted her when I was drunk. And I was like, I thought you liked me and all this. And she was like, grow up, you pussy. And I was like, oh, jeez. Oh, my God.

But I was also like 21. This chick sounds hot. She was so hot. Grow up, you pussy. And I'm glad I got to have sex with her. I was very lucky because she was way out of my league. But I didn't think that would bother me. And it did.

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Save money by eliminating cigarettes and save on your initial purchase of fume. That's 10% off your entire order at B-R-E-A-T-H-E-F-U-M dot com slash drunk and use code drunk. Dina, do you have any peeves? Oh, yeah. Um...

Wet wipes. I don't want outside clothes to be inside. Like if I make my boyfriend change his clothes if he wants to get into my bed, if he was wearing clothes that were worn outside. I think that's normal though. No.

I rebelled against this for a period, and I've understood that women feel this way. I hear this. I mean, the jeans that were on the subway in the bed. I understand that. Yeah, interesting. I never thought about it. Makes sense. It does. I mean, I definitely rebelled, and I remember I dated a woman who I mocked for this, and then in retrospect, I was kind of like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, what about shoes off?

Shoes have to be off. I was dating a guy, and we were in the middle of an argument, and then we went back to my room while we were still arguing, and he was about to step in with his shoes on. I was like, what are you doing? Take your shoes off. And he was so pissed because of the argument that he stepped in and started stomping on the floor. Oh, no.

I wanted to be angry, but the comedian in me was like, that's really funny. And I just started laughing. That is the thing. If you land a great joke, heated argument, it's a great bomb diffuser. It is. It kills the tension. Wow, man.

I didn't know you were this much of a neat freak. I'm not really. No, no, no. I'm really not. This is the one thing that I'm like obsessive about cleaning with. Right. Interesting. It is the bed. I understand like if someone holds their bed like sacred. Yeah. Like don't fuck with my, the place I sleep. I get that. Yeah. I get it more and more. Did you have the friend growing up was like, I have to change into my sleep clothes. I was like, sleep clothes. I just go with a boxer and the shirt. Yeah. I was always an underwear guy. Yeah. Yeah.

I have sleep clothes. What are sleep clothes? Just like a huge t-shirt. Yeah, that's fine. I feel like that's the PJs. Any PJ friends? That's fucking weird. No, I don't have like designated like matching PJ set. My gal's got it. She's got the full button with the pocket. I'm like, what are you wearing? Like a little tux. She had Mad Men? What the hell? I know, right? Like a smoking jacket and a pipe. The like snoopy hat. She married to Pete Campbell? Yeah.

But it's very strange. But I think it's just how you get brought up. Peeve? Oh, here's a peeve for you. What's going on with this one? The hard to find garbage can. I'm at a friend's house. I got a banana peel in my hand and a beer can in the other one. And I'm like opening drawers. Turns out it was like one of those slide out garbage cans. But it was like this slim drawer that's under the sink. I would have never, I couldn't find it. Just put the garbage can out.

Yeah, I don't like the weird drawer garbage cans. They piss me off. Like, you gotta press a button, it rolls. Right, right. So, I'm just holding garbage for 12 minutes, like, looking around and everything. What do you, what do you have in the garbage can?

I'm trying to think of where my garbage can is. It's out in the open. It's next to the dog food. All right. You have a dog? I have half a dog. It's my roommate's dog. Oh, boy. He's my best friend, and we went to adopt the dog together, so I consider the dog half mine. Right. Yeah, he's the best. I grew up Muslim, and we're not allowed to have dogs. Why, right? Yeah. Why not? It's an abusive religion. I don't know. They don't let you have a dog?

Yeah, like pork is considered filthy and then dogs too. And it's not clear to me why. It's just like an arbitrary thing.

I don't agree with, but I understand why the pork is a no-go, but why? I don't get the dog. You picked the one thing that you guys also do. Why eat pork? I know, I'm just kidding. But the dog thing, I don't understand. Well, it's sad because, look, this is a big generalization about Muslims, but I feel like dogs, cleavage, and bacon would really lighten the mood. Yeah.

I didn't even know about the dog thing. Dogs, like, relieve stress. Can we get Mark a meeting with Mohammed? I think Mark could really change the vibe. Mohammed, love what you're doing. If we could just loosen up on the women, the pork. Shave the beard. Maybe that beard's ridiculous. It's really hot out.

It's a lot of sand. Come on. I don't know why, but yeah. So it's life changing. It's life changing. Do you think maybe you and your guy move full time together? Do you think you get a dog? I can never live without a dog anymore. I just, it's so pacifying to just look at him and say, oh yeah, the simple pleasures of life are just like eating, going on a walk, like licking your asshole, whatever. Right. It's just like simple pleasures. Or getting it licked.

Yeah. Shane Gillis has this great joke about how Down Syndrome kids are like dogs because they're always happy. They mean well. They're ingrained. I'm not going to do his bit because I don't know if it's out there yet, but it's so true. The dog, it's nothing but positive. It's rarely, you know, sure, they'll shit somewhere every now and then or puke on the carpet, but it's all an upper. It's just one big valium. They're love machines, which is what humans are supposed to be, but we get all screwed up. Screwed up. Thanks, Twitter. Yeah.

It really does fuck you up. Yeah, yeah. You look at it. As long as I'm in a bad mood, I'm like, why am I in a bad mood? I'm like, oh, I looked at Twitter too much. I know. You have to stop looking at it and it'll change your life. The algorithm will punish you and you'll never be able to get a tweet again that has a lot of likes, but it's worth your mental health. It's worth it. Trump is happier than any of us. Well, he's on a new one now, I think. Yeah. There's like eight Twitter copies. What do you call those? Can we do a couple of news stories, Matt?

Do we have anything? Justin Timberlake went viral for the wrong reasons. Now he's saying sorry. The singer was caught performing an awkward dance routine during a performance in Washington, D.C. And he had a hilarious reply. D.C., I want to apologize to you for two reasons here and here. He said on Instagram stories zooming to a close-up of his feet. I had a long talk with both of them individually and said, don't you ever do that to me again.

Weinstein did the same thing to his dick on Instagram stories. I don't get the dancing. I don't understand. What did he do? I don't know. Isn't that his job? There he is. He's bringing sexy back. Oh, he did a crip walk. Is that appropriation or some shit? It's the bad dance.

He has to apologize for his job, isn't it? Oh, man. This is getting out of control. What are we doing? I don't know. Lizzo apologized for saying spaz. Really? You can't say spaz? No. And that was in a rap song. It's like they talk about murdering people. I don't think his dancing is that bad, honestly. I'm a terrible dancer, but I mean, I don't fucking know. I would kill to be able to do this. I'd cut a woman's hands off to be able to dance like that. But what do you think? Good looking guy?

No. Really? Interesting. Jessica Biel? Oh. I think she's unbelievable looking. She's great. Unreal. Box office poison, though. Is she? She can't make a good movie to save her life. That show she was in is a hit, though. Yeah, she was in that show people like. That show's a hit. Oh, all right. Well, good to have her back. But I'm talking movies. Movies are dead anyway.

Yeah, nobody saw Top Gun. Well, Top Gun and Thor, and then what else? Unless it's like a fucking summer blockbuster, no one's going to the theater, man. I know, it's sad.

I'm sure you had a great time at the Beacon with full room laugh from a movie. I was in between Phil Hanley and Dan Soder. We're watching Joe List's movie, and I'm like, this is special, man. It's our buddy. It's beautiful. It was a special night. But yeah, who gives a fuck about this shit? I mean, come on. What else? Beyond disturbing, anti-assault billboard sparks controversy after resurfacing. I've never heard of Inverness, Florida, but it's in Florida. Yeah.

Getting drunk is never an excuse. She's your daughter, not your date. We're calling incest out. What? Refugehouse.com. I mean, first off, what the fuck? What the fuck? We need a billboard to tell you that incest is bad? I don't need alcohol to molest my daughter. Thank you very much. This is Florida. She's hot sober. This reminds me of the end of Chinatown where the dad is explaining how he could have raped his daughter and he was just like,

At the right time in your life, you can do anything. Just gloss right past it. Right. John Huston, legend. Best picture. Incredible movie. Polanski. One of the best movies of all time. This is wild. Who paid? Somebody paid for this. The anti-incest. I'm telling you, mark my words, 50 years, incest will be accepted.

I'm telling you, because it's love. We'll be in our 80s and we're just like, I don't get these kids. Yeah, I'm telling you. I don't get them. You wait and see. In 50 years, we'll reconnect and we'll all be fucking our cousins. Jeez. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with people? Yeah, well, we got too much time on our hands and everybody's got a voice. That's got to make you feel bad about where you live if you're driving by and you see that billboard.

They don't have that shit in Manhattan. No, we haven't needed it yet. Florida, baby. We have the options. You're on some of these fucking Ivernus Tinders. You run out real quick. You're like, I guess I'm going to my family. Right. But her personality was great.

Damn, what else we got? 6,000 bees removed from inside a wall of Omaha couple's home. About 6,000 bees were recently removed. That's the same thing twice. 100-year-old home Thomas and Mary Lou Gautier told the Omaha World Herald they have been planting bee-friendly flowers inside or outside their midtown home, but they never expected the bees to move in. That's insane. This is good, though, because aren't we, like, low on bees? Yeah.

This is great. The bees, they keep the world going around. They're putting bee-friendly flowers. It's like if you decorated your home for Halloween and then got annoyed when kids showed up. Right. Right. Good point. You set this shit up. You put candy outside and a plastic pumpkin. It's, you know, look, I'm in New York. If I lived on a ground floor, I would not put cheese outside. Yeah. You know, like you got to be aware of what is out there.

Good point. I've never been. I'm going there in a couple months or a month or so. Hey, well, you might get some honey because there's got to be some good to this. There's got to be a good spin. Do they get honey in the apartment? No. You just get dead fucking bees. Are they dead? Oh, they're dead. They're just like gross dead bees. Oh, I'm picturing buzzing healthy bees. No, that's fucking gross. I'm drunk.

Dina's fucking sauce. I'm still thinking about the incest thing. Can we go back to that? Let's go back to the incest. Yeah, what do you think, Dina? I thought of a bit. Oh, here we go. I have something to say. It's really hard to find someone you relate to. Write that down. Here we go. Write it down.

Good drunk brain. That's a writer. That's a writer right there, folks. Matt, clip it. Hire her. We got a whole incest chunk you can clip up for this one, Matt. But this is what it's like in the writer's room. They move past something and I'm like, I need more time. And then I'm like, can we go back to like an hour ago when we were talking about that other thing? I have a good joke now. I always think of Gaffigan's bit when you see a movie too late. He's like, I want to talk about heat now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys seen Heat?

This wine is going down like fucking sugar right now, dude. I'm sorry. Booger sugar. But I will say a good joke's a good joke. It shouldn't matter if it took you an extra hour. But also another perk of incest, you've already met the parents. There we go. Now we got a joke.

UK tribunal rules calling a bald man is sex. So let me do that again. I've been drinking too. UK tribunal rules calling a man bald is sexual harassment. The tribunal whose members alluded to their own experience with hair loss also compared calling a man bald to commenting on the size of a woman's breasts. Interesting. This is absurd.

Interesting. Calling a man bald is never sexual. You're calling a woman's breasts out. That's sexual. What if you're attracted to bald men? Okay, fine. If you're saying, fuck me, you bald motherfucker. In that case, it is sexual. But I think for the most part, breasts versus bald is not an equal level here. They used the wrong term. It's body shaming, if anything, not sexual harassment. Ah, yes. Good call. Body shaming, exactly. Yeah.

Sexual harassment, exactly. Unless you have a bald fetish, which is different. Yeah. Wow. Well, we pick and choose with the body shaming. You know, we go, hey, Chris Christie's a fat fuck, eh? And then we all go, yeah. But then we go, Lena Dunham's a fat fuck, eh? People go, hey, hey. And you're like, well, which one is it? This is a bit I'm trying to work on. Oh, really? Body shaming. I remember in my first body shaming incident, I went to the dentist and he said, I have a clinically small mouth.

But it sounds pornographic, right? It sounds like he's hitting on you. What is he measuring my mouth for? Like too small for what? Right. You know, it would look big next to that mouth. Yada, yada, yada. He said he wanted to install a widening tool.

Oh, that's filthy. It sounds like clinical dirty talk. Yeah, it does. What widening tool? Like the thing that pushes it out? Yeah, it's like a retainer sort of, but permanent. Do you have a small mouth? I do. Really? Trust me. She has a slow eater. No, I'm not a slow eater. You're a slow eater. I mean, I'm a fast eater. It's like a married couple over here. I'm a fast eater.

Anyway. I think your mouth looks perfectly normal. Thank you. Could use a widening tool. Yeah. Joe List has a type 2 mouth. His doctor said the same thing. He's a small mouth? Yeah. Really? He said your mouth is like abnormally small and we can't get certain tools in there. Damn. Yeah. All right. He was a dentist, but either way, it's called a type 2 mouth.

Teacher turned only fan star pregnant by student is keeping the baby. Zoom in on what the caption says. What does the caption say?

Teacher turned OnlyFans star. Oh, yeah, she's an attractive teacher. If this is out of Florida, I'll finish that bottle of wine. Really? No. That's actually a horrible bet. I'm taking you up on that. Yeah, that's not a good... I don't know. You didn't do yourself any favors. I did it backwards. If this is not in Florida... I might have it on my phone. I'll eat my hat. I can read it.

A lot of teachers fucking their students nowadays. A lot of female teachers. Well, that's the ones that report on the hot ones. Is that what it is? I think so, yeah. All right. This lady's a kook. And by the way, kids, they don't know how good they got it. Because we all had a hot teacher growing up. And back then you could pay $4.99 and see her naked? Your teacher? I mean, come on. It's pretty crazy.

Oh, that happened at my school. There you go, lady. Yeah, she was a history teacher. She had implants, and then she got fired for hooking up with a student. Wow. Fascinating. I guess I don't know. Oh, here we go. Yeah, here it is. Anonymous. She wrote, it's crazy that I'm having a baby with a former student, but the same thing could happen in any profession.

That's not true, by the way. Teachers and professors. Right. You can't have a baby with a student in any profession. In her defense, it's a former student. And he was 22.

So that kind of makes it okay. Yeah, that's actually... But they met when he was 16. He was 22? That's the story? She met when he was 16, but they... Well, how about President Macron from France? He's married to his T-shirt. How is that any different? Mmm. 33-year-old. It's crazy. She seems very urbane. Is that why it's different? I mean, what's the difference here? I mean...

She seems, I guess, more sophisticated maybe, but... So it was totally legal. He was an adult when they had sex? I think so. Oh. But the problem is that they met when he was 16, so she's in trouble. I mean... And she's an OnlyFans star. It's a good headline. This shit would never happen in France. That's all I'm saying. He's married to his teacher. She's like 30 years older than him. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that right? 25 maybe? Yeah.

Do you remember when it was normal to count down to when the Olsen twins would be legal? We were just talking about that last week. That was a sign in New Orleans. Like, hey, counting down. Two months to go. Oh, my God. That was a big joke. I guess technically they're keeping it legal. But, yeah, I mean, it's gross. But it's also like at the same time.

It's a strange move, but that was like people were high-fiving. Look at that. They're taking photos with it. It was like a big deal. It is also weird that the ultimate fantasy, I mean, I know it's taboo, but it's like,

Isn't that the ultimate porn search? My hot teacher? Of course. We all fantasized about it. It's a rock song. Any guy who claims he didn't jack off to a teacher of his is full of shit. Oh, yeah. We all did it. Yeah. I had a gym teacher who was a hot guy. Jacked off to him.

But we all did it. Oh, yeah. Of course. I mean, it's an adult woman in the room who knows your name. Yeah. You have to do it. It's like your friend's mom. We all jerked off to a friend's mom. Yeah. Or dad.

There you go. There was a dad that you found attractive? No. Never? No. Was it the religion that? Yeah. Well, first of all, I didn't know how to masturbate until I was like 22. Really? So that would not have been. Damn. Weird. I cracked that code very early. Yeah. I was like, I got this down. Oh, totally. Yeah. An expert by, you know, time.

12, 11, 13. That's nice. And then you'd ask friends, like, you ever do that? And they're like, oh, my God. Now we're off and running. The first time I had a wet dream, I thought it was like, I thought someone played a prank on me. I was like, maple syrup? What the fuck? Yeah.

Wow, that's some dark jizz you got there. Yeah. It was just the texture. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah, I thought I wet the bed. Yeah. For sure. But there was never dads that you were like, that dad is attractive? You didn't even feel that side of you? Well, I mean, there were people I was attracted to. Like, I had a... There was a...

My homeroom teacher, everyone had a crush on him. He was great. One time we went to the mall and saw him with his girlfriend. We were like, ah. As though we couldn't come up with him. Did he have a hot girlfriend? Yes, for sure. Yeah. So, yeah, no, of course. I had those feelings, but, like, I didn't know what to physically do with them. Sure. Confusing. Interesting. I also never had a door for a long time. Oh. Like...

So we had an apartment that only had one bedroom, so my brother got to take it. And so I had a sectioned off part of the living room that was my room, so I never could have done anything like that. Got it. Maybe in the bathroom. Yeah.

I guess I guess I didn't it still just wasn't a thing on my mind yeah yeah you were oppressed and yeah it was the religious element for sure yeah my my gal said she didn't see her vagina until she was like 21 why you just I mean they're hard to see yeah they're they're you know downward facing dog there she didn't want to

Like, what are you going to do? Step on a mirror, I guess? You've got to go out of your way to see your clan. For sure. You know? So it wasn't until... Mark's self-help book. You've got to go out of your way to see your clan. It's available at Barnes & Noble today. I mean, it wasn't until I pulled out the old Super 8 that, you know, she saw that thing. But, yeah, I mean, I think a lot of ladies... And look, I'm speaking out of school here, but I think this is a weird area. You know, even, like, tampons. She was like, that was the first time I...

I had done stuff with it. Yes. Another thing in Islam, you're not supposed to use tampons. Whoa. Wow. Nothing's got to go in there except for the dick of the guy you're married to. What about it? So what do you go? Maxi? Yes. It was pads. Damn. Wings or no wings? I've seen one maxi pad commercial. That's crazy. Yeah. And does your mom abide by all this?

I haven't asked her. Yeah. It's tough to ask. Bring her in. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Bitch, you don't know me. All right. That's tough. Yeah. I mean, that sounds damn. Being a Muslim woman does not sound easy. That's why I'm here. Fight the good fight. Get the message out. Yeah. We got to make this cartoon. Yeah. Muslim lady. The first episode, tampon. Yeah.

Damn, Deanna. Wait, is that all the news? Okay. Is that it? All right, cool. All right, well, hey, you got any dates you want to plug? Um...

I'll be in Wisconsin from the August 17th through the 20th. It's just random places in Wisconsin. You can DM me if anyone's over there and wants to know. Yeah, hit the website. Oh, yeah. You have tickets on the site, huh? No. Oh, my God. I haven't updated this. This is a nightmare. I have not updated this. Look at that tiny mouth. What the fuck? That is a small mouth.

Yeah, there's nothing on that website. Make sure to follow Dina on all social media platforms. Dina Hashem, Twitter, Instagram. Yes, great writer, great jokes. Good stuff. Thank you.

funny comic and where are you going to be there sloppy jalopy should we do bits before we go oh geez sorry I'll plug some days I mean I got a lot coming up but let's should we do bits first hell yeah any bits let me see if I have anything worthwhile I mean I got I got a few minutes I got a mind on my phone here

All right. What do you, you got one other D me? Yeah. Yeah. I have a line that I just tried and it bombed so horribly that I'm not sure. I'm just trying to build on my abortion chunk. And I have this line where it's like, you, you really feel old when you tell a doctor that you're pregnant and they assume that you want to keep it. Is that something? I don't know. That's funny. Yeah. Uh,

I think it's, the crowd might not have, it's, I think it needs more of a connection, like a clearer leap. I feel like they're like, what do you mean? If you say it's bombing, I don't know. Yeah. If you have, if you tell the doctor I'm pregnant and they assume you want to keep it, yeah, you're basically being like, no, I don't, I don't want this. It's like, it's a, it's like a thing. Like, I'm just a little girl. I can't be, I mean, look at me. Right, right. Yeah, I can't be a little girl. This little mouth, I can't even feed myself. Yeah.

it's like the opposite of you know how women will get carded and be like oh i'm so complimented it's the opposite of that like oh shit yeah i'm pregnant now i gotta keep it that is that is like almost like a new york thing i feel like too like any other part of the country they're like yeah i'm keeping right it's like a coastal elite thing where we're like yeah we're not we're not i still got a lot of me to take care of yeah i still have dreams yeah ah

I still have dreams. You're saying you don't want to keep it. I went to the doctor and be like, we got to get rid of this. I thought it was implied. Sorry. Okay. I fucked up. Maybe it needs more context. I get it now. I get it. That's funny. No, I think I'm just a little girl is funny. Yes. I don't know. I had a similar, not a, the joke's not similar, but it was a joke I couldn't really crack in my last hour and now I'm kind of tweaking it for the next set, but it was about like

I slept with someone who was very different from me. We obviously couldn't have a kid together, but you know, I made the mistake and you know, plan B we took care of it. But then she texted me like we should hang out again. She texted me two and a half weeks later, got my period. I write back, love it. You know, I was excited. Yeah. She said, uh, we should do it again. I said, well, I can't just get you a plan B every time we hook up. That's, you know, she's very different from me, very different beliefs. And she said, well, um,

Yeah. Well, I mean, we can't do that. And I said, well, if we got to that point, I've never paid for this, but we would have to get an abortion, obviously. And she goes, I would never do that. I was like, wow, you ever think you're for a woman's right to choose? And then it just, it turns out you're pro-abortion. Like I thought I was a feminist. It turns out I'm a monster. Right, right. So I think my angle is like, I'm pro my life. Yeah. That's what I am. That's a good line. It hits sometimes. Sometimes it's like,

Yeah. It's such a touchy sub. Yeah, it's not because of the joke. It's just because people freeze up. Yeah, I feel like structurally it works, but it's one of those where I'm like, oh, we don't like you right now. It's like one of those things where you have to earn it. And I think I have to preface where I'm like, I'm not saying you should get abortions willy-nilly. I'm saying this is for special occasions. Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and maybe the end of the bit could be something like,

She had a miscarriage and we were both satisfied. You know, because no one had to get an abortion, but you still have the baby. I don't know. It's like a nice middle ground that everybody wins. I mean, I guess she doesn't win, but you don't have the kid after all. I mean, a miscarriage. Everybody wins.

Except the kid. What do you got, Mark? But I'm saying it's not, you didn't get an abortion, but you also don't have a kid. So it's kind of a nice compromise. There's something to what you were saying. You made me think of an abortion joke. So what we're doing, Mark, are you going to keep the abortion trend rolling? I had a dumb idea. This won't work, but I'll throw it out there just to stay on target here on topic. But I looked into adoption because, you know, you hear all these kids out there with nothing going on. Nobody wants to help them.

It's a shame, though. We buy everything online now. Everything's all over the place. You can read all these reviews, but you can't review a kid. Wouldn't that be nice if you could have a review on this kid? But then I realized nobody would buy the or nobody would adopt the fucked up one. Like I hung out with a little twitchy one star, you know, I don't know if there's anything there, but it's definitely bombing. Yeah.

I do like that idea. I mean, I just want it to be real. So I don't know. Well, you know, you can buy a fucking mug and there's 18 reviews like, oh, the mug, it's too heavy. It doesn't work, whatever. But kids, the biggest adoption of your life, you can't. This is an 18-year commitment. Right. Can you tell me if he's going to bite me for no reason? Exactly. There's no return policy there. No return. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something.

So, yeah, that's the idea. No reviews on an adopted kid. Here's the twist. We need Amazon to get into the adoption game. There we go. That might be the bridge it needs. I like that. If Amazon got on board, my God. Shit on Amazon all you want. They would get tight on the adoption game. Yes, they would. Overnight delivery. How come this kid's so good looking? I got prime. Yeah.

I got a kid and a subscription to watch Bosch. Pretty cool. Bosch.

You love Bosch. It's a good show. It is good. It's a dad show. Sorry, I feel like I didn't get your bit, now I get it and I fucked it up. Did we all just do Kid Bits? I love it. There's like a theme here. Kid Bits is the name of the Epstein doc. I think we got about nine Epstein jokes in this episode, so that's good. I'm all over. I'm going to be on the road. We're going to be, yeah, fucking...

San Jose, LA, Pittsburgh, Dania Beach, Louisville, Irvine, Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, OKC, all over this shit. So Springfield, see you on the road. Hell yeah. Same here. Comedy Connections in Providence, San Antonio, Lexington, Houston.

you name it uh portland maine portland oregon seattle toronto vancouver uh new orleans philly boston so come on out say hello check out dean and stuff we'll see on the road get on the patreon buy a mug get a shirt we might be drunk pod.com the merch is outstanding bodega cat yes it's like it's either out or it's almost out so you know if it's already out you know but if it's

Almost out, it's like this fucking close. Yeah. And it's the best whiskey you're ever going to try, so I can't wait for you to try it. Have an abortion, adopt a kid, and save a Muslim. We love you. All right. Thank you, Dina. And follow Dina. Make sure to follow Dina. She's a great comment. Hell yeah. Stay for my next Fender juice close. Norman's talking shit about up on the roof like you're dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in Newt. This woman doesn't remember. Leave.